#the pain has finally chilled out enough that i am ok (ish) now

[machinedramon]

I'm gonna attempt to sleep and pray that my pain is manageable tonight bc I don't really have a choice abt going in or not

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Mount Everest Ain’t Got Shit On Us (Fezco x fem!reader, Part 2.)

Description: You were always told that your life will be as you wish it to be if you’ll study enough. That it will pay off if you work hard. And some people were given you like the scary example of what will happen when you don’t obey. But sometimes it feels good to disobey.

A/N: I think we found the right ground for this... Something (it ain't one shot but I don't know if we can call it series either, we'll see). I like to start with something like Rue did - a bit of narrating and then slowly slipping into the "episode". Let me know if something will not add up for you, ok?

Word count: 2.5 K

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety and drug addiction, strong LBGT themes, age gap, Rue's maniac/bipolar episodes. The normal things.

Masterlist and declaration: H E R E

Sometimes the feeling of not belonging somewhere grows over your head so much that you actually feel like you don't belong anywhere, to no one. That you don't even have a place to come back to. It is scary to go through a place alone when all those people look at you because they see for the first time. It feels like they are whispering things about you, that they are laughing at you and you can feel the anxiety inside of you growing. 

It hurts. It hurts so much that you just want to crawl onto the toilette cab, sit there and cry to your own knees until it's over.

Those shared looks judging your appearance, your looks, your make-up or your old favorite shoes. Those are the things that slowly kills you from the inside.

The people smoke there even tho they shouldn't, snorting because of some jokes,  looking all cool and chilled and for you, it is a walk of shame. Your head is kept down and you continue to the building at a quick pace, hoping that you will not be too exciting for them. And it doesn't matter if it's a new workplace, new school or a new home for seniors for that matter. It's the same over and over again.

A neverending cycle.

To find the office where you had to pick up the paperwork that needed to be done and taking your schedule was probably the hardest thing you have ever done. It felt almost impossible. The crowd and groups of people your age took you from one side of the building to the another and you felt so lost. Like never before. 

The door finally appeared after first class already started. When you slowly stepped into that small room, you looked like a mess. It was a small room with one window, it's walls were calmingly green and the pictures and motivational posters with kittens made you grin.

An old lady smiled at you from behind the desk. She appeared to be a kind person. It comforted you a bit, sitting in her office, looking her to her hazel-brown eyes with the last bit of confidence you were able to find somewhere inside of you.

“So you are new here, I see, I see.” - Mrs. Smith told you when she prepared the papers for your parents to sign up and printed you your own class schedule. Her heart-shaped face lit up with a smile when she leaned closer to you. - “Don't worry about being late. No one showed you around and you could find me anyway. It is totally fine if you will be lost in this building for the first couple of days, sweetie. You need to learn a lot.” - Her fingers patted your wrists knitted together tightly. You accidentally exhaled out loud because you held your breath again, smiling at her lazily. 

“Hope that the professors won't be mad.” - A giggle came out of your mouth and Mrs. Smith stood up to brew you some tea. 

“You can be here for until the end of your first class if you’re so scared. You seem to be feeling uncomfortable, am I right?” - She gave you the cup, sugar to add-in and a cookie. Your head nodded. - “I am a granny of two, I can sense when you don’t feel good."

A couch in the corner was the place you chose to chill at. You sat in a small ball there with your knees crossed over each other, your earbuds plugged into the small jack on the top of your phone and sometimes you sipped a bit of the tea.

The feeling of melancholy took over you as you went through the new post on Instagram made by people who you were used to seeing daily. Once again, you felt like you didn't belong to that place, like on a short trip to Disneyland. But this trip was permanent. And the harder the reality dropped on your shoulders, the worse you felt.

You couldn't say that you hate this whole place. You liked it, it was a normal city, normal neighborhood, nothing too weird. But that little worm of knowing that you're not at home anymore was keeping that feeling alive. For a few moments, your eyes and your mind drifted away into a place far away in your head.

The bell-ringing was a sound you almost welcomed. It brought you back to reality, leaving Mrs. Smith's little office. It made your mind occupied with different things, your nose shoved into the piece of paper with the schedule. Mrs. Smith was kind enough to print you a map of the school and gave you how you should go. That was a thing that made you smile. Kindness. Random kindness from a woman who saw a strange girl for the first time. It was her job most probably but you were thankful for it either way.

Sometimes all of us feel like a hero of a novel or a movie. The days slowly become on a long, neverending surreal piece of art as the faces and colors mash up into one painting. Your mind seems to be too occupied to actually take notice of something. Too occupied to take a hold of itself and you drift away into places far, far away.

You couldn't seem to remember or recall a single word the teachers have said to you. And they seemed to ignore you as well, it was like a symbiosis. Why should they be excited about you? A new face in the crowd was not that interesting to ask for a name. It was just one face between many ones. Why should they care? Your face wasn't anything that has the power to change the whole world. Or your name.

First moments you actually took notice of were when you made it to the cafeteria. Nobody looked at you anymore. You just took your plate and ordered some food like a normal student. 

A table in the back of the cafeteria felt ideal for you. You sat there with your lunch and ate, just watching the others and looking though your notebooks and what have you written down. To your surprise, your hand wrote automatically for you and there were truly some pieces of information written down in your typical messy handwriting.

"Hey, loser. Why you're alone?" - A girl's voice asked you in a cocky manner. At first, you thought that it's finally here - your first bully. But when your eyes found her face, she seemed to be strangely kind with a cocky smile and raised eyebrows. Messy brown curls framed her face while her skin had the color of darkened caramel. Your clothing style was really similar - but her Converse shoes were all tied up and not torn.

She had a tall girl next to her. Her make-up was heavy, her hair was a color extravaganza and her clothing style reminded you of anime cosplay and San Diego's comic con. Her skin was almost white, Albin-ish or what. Something made her really pretty. Whether it was her large nose or her eyes, you couldn't tell. But she seemed nice, her presence felt nice as well even tho you saw her for the first time ever. Her lips were giving you a graceful smile, she rolled her eyes at the brunette's questions and then she pinned her eyes on you.

"Fuckin' hell, I'm just kiddin', girl. You're lookin' all like holy shit I'm busted, like in the series about that cheating bastards. Oh man, you should see yourself. But you're sitting at our table." - The brunette said less cockily and more jokingly, slowly sitting down with her food.

"Does that mean I should leave?" - Your voice trembled and you sound panicked. Brunette took a good, long look at you and the other girl sat next to her.

"Of course you can stay! Don't be angry about Rue. She's a pain in the ass when she has her episodes. Right now, we're in the manic phase so she won't shut up. And she has mean comments that don't make sense most of the tomes." - The girl with pretty the make-up offered her hand for a handshake and you accepted it. - "Name's Jules by the way. That's Rue." - Just as Jules said Rue's name, Rue managed to pull of Eminem's old rapping pose from one of his album covers and nodded at you with a weird cocky smile.

"Wazzup', newbie?" - Rue said with a high laugh while Jules looked like she's about to kill her in the next few moments.

"I'm Y/N." - You said quietly and Jules let go of your hand.

"Ya all brand new out 'ere, aren't ya?" - Rue entwined her fingers on the table and you looked you dead in the eye, being serious all of a sudden. Like a detective. -"She thinks she's like Morgan Freeman or what when she has her phases. A detective or what." - Jules laughed.

"But Morgan Freeman is the man, Jules. Just the man. He's all cool and shit." - Rue laughed at her. Those two seemed to be a funny pair of... Friends? A couple? You couldn't tell. They acted like friends, but they looked at each other with tender smiles. You could only guess.

“What did bring you this part of the world? Adventure or lousy parents?” - Jules gave you a slight smirk and playfully raised her eyebrows.

“Dads work brought us here. But I and my siblings are kinda cool about all of that. We can have a new experience.” - You shrugged your eyebrows and took a bite of your sandwich. 

“If you're looking for a drug paradise, ya are right where ya wanted to be, whaddayasay?” - Rue wiggled her eyebrows and opened her yogurt, sticking her spoon inside of it, drolling some pills into the vanilla pudding with her long, delicate yet strong fingers. Your eyes instantly popped out and your it almost fell out as you watched the pills. 

“What. The. Hell?” - You squealed in a high pitched tone and rose her eyebrows, asking you about what is the matter.

 “I have BPAD, what did ya expect, man? This is the better way to take the medication. Ya want me to gulp all of it or what?” - Rue said in a joking tone, she was ironic, but she gave you that addict look. 

“Trust me, I searched through her bag. This is really only the medication for her BD. It's cool. No drugs.” - Jules assured you. You nodded slowly with a frown on your face. Could Rue had some history with addiction? Or what was Jules talking about? You watched the way Rue slowly mixed her pudding. 

“Just the way I love it.” - Rue hummed happily with her eyes closed. She had a tired look on her face, the bags under her eyes made her gaze look more devilish and her cheeks were too sharp. But she had a beautiful mouth and full lips. 

“If you don't mind a pair of weirdos as your friends, we agreed we could make a trio out of our duo. But we are something between girlfriends and friends so I just want to warn before any weird situations happen.” -  Jules put her head on Rue's shoulder and smiled happily. 

“After ten minutes you know me? Wow, that was a quick one.” - You joked and Rue pointed on you with her spoon. 

“Ten minutes is everything you need to know if a person is a dickhead - trust me, I would know if you're a super dickhead. Ya seem to be cool.” - Rue winked. Was the situation that bad in here? Just ten minuted to know if a person is a dickhead? That was something. 

So what was in stock for you? An ex-junkie with a BPAD and an all-anime-about girl who looked like a colorful extravaganza. Better than a jock with his nose rose up and an attitude of a dickhead or a chick with anorexia you thought to yourself. As always you were lost in your head for a moment - thinking about Rue's disorder. They told you that Rue is in her manic state, how was she like during her depression moments? Will it be alright? 

“Okay. Cool.” - You said in the end. New people and new friends, just as your older sis said. It felt really cool. 

“Welcome to the losers club.” - Rue winked at you playfully. 

At three p.m. Fran waited on you and your brother in the car. You stuck with Rue and Jules for the rest of your day, Rue's manic ass making you laugh all day. You didn't find her bickering and manic shit annoying at all, you laughed at it a lot actually. Both of you walked you back to your sister's car, do not letting your anxiety get over your head. 

“See ya tomorrow, the new one.” - Rue giggled and threw her hand over her girlfriend's shoulder and brought her closer to her small, thin body, hugging her tightly.

“See you tomorrow, guys.” - You smiled and crawled into Fran's car. Your sis was smiling at you proudly, waving to Rue and Jules. You could feel that Fran is excited about that. You lean from the car's window and waved at them excitedly. Rue was dramatic, holding her entwined palms on her chest, sending you some kisses and pretending to cry. 

“I told you, shithead. You have friends! Nice!” - Fran patted your upper thigh and grinned in front of you. You two took the same route you took on your way to school. 

The gas station came up to your sight quicker than it did before. Nobody was there this time - no smoking boy with a blue design t-shirt and jeans hugging his upper thigs. The spot which came significant to you that morning was empty now, no boy in your sight. 

“What you're lookin' at, shithead? Some magical place you're searching for? You did the exact same thing in the morning.” - Fran told you quietly, lighting up her cigarette before mom could see her smoking. 

“Nothing. Let it be.” - You smiled at her shily and sat back to your seat. 

The feelings of loneliness can be a long time thing. But sometimes, just sometimes and when you are really lucky, someone can show you wour place and make you feel like someone cares about you. You can meet new, special people who take you as you are. 

And when you are this lucky, nothing can be better than that. But not to give you false promises - it isn't a thing that does happen every time. 

[therainroguefanfiction]

⁂ Lazy in Love (Shikamaru Nara)

Genre: Angst, Romance, Fluff ☁

Word Count: 2,198 ☁

Pairing: Reader x Shikamaru ☁

World: Naruto ☁

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Soft, fluffy white clouds drifted peacefully through the clear blue sky, hiding the sun from view. The breeze was gentle and calm, sending a nice chill through the air. Only a few, low ranking missions had been given out by Tsunade-sama.

You walked through the forest, looking for your lazy friend. You found him laying on his back, arms folded behind his head and eyes closed. You stood over him, a smile coming to your lips as you stared at his content face.

“Did you need something?” he mumbled, tiredly, not opening his eyes.

“Nope. Just bored.” you shrugged, looking around at the rustling leaves on the lush trees. “You’re the first one I thought to bother.”

“I’m flattered,” he mumbled again, sarcasm dripping from his every word.

“You should be.” you smirked, kneeling down next to him. “Is this how you’re planning to spend your whole day off?”

He lazily opened his eyes and looked up at you, a look of boredom playing on his features. “That was my plan until you showed up.”

“Oh come now, Shika. Am I really that bad?” you asked, cocking your head to the side, a grin on your lips.

“You’re a troublesome person.” He murmured, closing his eyes again. “It’s not enough that you bother me when I’m working but you have to bother me on my day off, too.”

“What can I say? I just love ya too much.” you smiled softly, looking away into the trees.

He had no idea just how much you meant those words. Shikamaru Nara is not only your best friend, but he’s also the love of your life. It started out as a simple crush a little while after you met. Then it turned into a full-blown love. Though, you’d never tell him that.

To him, you were just another troublesome person for him to deal with. That’s all you’d ever be and, even though you wish you could be more, you were happy to have him as just a friend rather than not have him at all.

“What’s on your mind?” His words snapped you back to reality. Shika was sitting up, looking at you dully.

“Nothing, nothing.” you smiled, standing up. “Are you hungry?”

He looked at you suspiciously before standing and sticking his hands in his pockets, “Let’s go.”

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Upon arriving at the ramen bar, you saw Naruto and Hinata sitting there. Hinata was red as a tomato and Naruto had pieces of ramen stuck around his mouth. You chuckled, catching the attention of the shy girl as she turned around to look at you.

“H-Hello, Y/N, Shikamaru.”

“‘Sup, Hinata?” you asked kindly, sitting next to her. Shikamaru sat on your left.

“Hiya, Y/N!” Naruto said loudly, smiling that fox-like grin of his.

“Hey, Naruto. Where’s Kakashi and Sakura?”

“Dunno.” He shrugged before going back to stuffing his face.

You shook your head at his bad habits and ordered some miso ramen.

“W-Where have you been, Y/N?” Hinata asked, quietly, not meeting your gaze.

“Eh. I was just hanging out with Shika in the forest.”

“Oh yeah! You haven’t told ’em you lov-!”

You quickly slapped your hand over Naruto’s mouth before he could finish his sentence, nearly knocking Hinata off her chair. Was he really that stupid? Could he not see Shikamaru sitting there? You could only hope he hadn’t been listening.

“Shouldn’t you be training with the perv, Naruto.” you hissed through gritted teeth.

He gulped and backed away slowly before disappearing from the shop.

You sighed deeply, running a hand through your hair. “I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll uh, see you guys later,” you muttered, quickly leaving the shop. You could feel both Hinata and Shikamaru staring after you, but you ignored it and continued on. How were you supposed to act? Naruto almost gave away the biggest secret you had.

You groaned, holding your head in your hands as you walked down the street. Big mistake. You ran straight into a brick wall, bouncing off of it and hitting the ground. “Ouch!” you exclaimed, rubbing your behind. Upon closer inspection you realized it was Kakashi. “Why are you so brick wall-ish?”

He raised his eyebrow and held out his hand. “You really shouldn’t zone out like that. It’s bad for you.”

“Sorry, sensei.” You bowed and started to walk again, Kakashi at your side. “Telling me zoning out is bad for me is about the same as telling you those books are bad for you.”

He smiled, resting his hand on my head. “True. Now, what was on your mind to cause you to zone out like that?”

“Your damn student almost gave away my biggest secret,” you admitted, scowling at the ground.

“Oh? I’m guessing you mean Naruto and your love for Shikamaru.”

“Sometimes I think you’re too smart for your own good, sensei.”

“You should tell him how you feel,”

“Not gonna happen.”

“It’s your choice, but you’ll regret it if you don’t.” He smiled before disappearing.

You stared at the spot he had just been standing moments before. Would it really be best to tell him? Would you really regret not telling him and finding out what could have happened? Are you really that afraid of the truth?

You set off for the forest, plopping down under a cherry blossom tree and closing your eyes. Your heart was telling you that you should tell Shikamaru the truth while your heart told you it was a bad idea. People always say logic is better than following your heart. Then again, there are those who feel the opposite.

“What should I do?” you whispered, staring up at the sky, hoping it would give you an answer. You got one, but it wasn’t from the sky.

“Depends on the problem.”

Your eyes shot over to meet with Shikamaru’s. He was standing beside you, brow raised.

“What is the problem? You’ve been acting weird, lately. And what was up with you and Naruto back at the ramen shop?”

“It was nothing,” you responded, switching your gaze to the grass beneath you.

“Don’t give me that. You always say it’s nothing,” he said, bending down and grabbing your chin to make you look into his eyes. “I’ve been your best friend since we were little. You should be able to trust me by now.”

“It has nothing to do with trust, Shika.”

“Then what does it have to do with, Y/N? Why can’t you just tell me?” He had confusion, worry, and frustration swirling within the depths of his eyes.

You pulled your face from his grip, turning your attention back to the grass.

His fists clenched at his sides. “Fine, don’t tell me. I don’t care anyway.”

You listened to his footsteps fading away, feeling a knife pierce your heart. You hated making him mad or hurting him but you had no other choice.

You just couldn’t tell him the truth.

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“Y/N!”

You turned around to see Ino running towards you. “‘Sup, Ino?” you waited until she caught up with you before taking off walking again. She followed in step.

“Is it true?!” She squealed, excitedly.

“Is what true?” your eyebrow raised in both confusion and question.

“That you’re crushing on Shikamaru!”

You froze, rooted to the spot. “W-Where did you hear something like that?”

“I heard it from Asuma who heard from Kurenai who overheard Jiraiya telling Tsunade! Is it true?”

‘What the hell is with this weird-ass rumor chain?!’ your fists clenched as you took off running towards the training ground. You didn’t stop when Ino called out to you. You didn’t stop when Kakashi greeted you. You went straight for Naruto and held him to a tree by his neck, his feet dangling above the ground. “Naruto, you little rat!”

“W-what did I do!?” He struggled to break free from your grasp, which you tightened, eyes shimmering with pain.

Within a matter of seconds, Kakashi had ripped you off of his student, holding your arms behind your back. You struggled in his grip, but he was much stronger than you.

“What did you do to her, idiot!?” Sakura demanded, hitting Naruto in the head.

“He told Jiraiya that I… he told him my secret…!” your breathing was heavy, head bowed so a shadow covered your face. “Jiraiya opened his fat mouth and now everyone knows!”

“I-I didn’t know he’d tell!” Naruto squeaked, bowing repeatedly. “I’m sorry, Y/N!”

You were fighting back tears, struggling in Kakashi’s grip. You just wanted to run away and never be seen again.

“Everything ok, Kakashi?”

You stopped struggling, swallowing hard. If that was who you thought it was, then that meant…

“Everything’s fine, Asuma,” Kakashi answered.

You started to struggle harder, slamming your foot down on his. You finally broke free from his grasp and took off at full speed for the forest just outside of Konoha. Multiple people called out your name, but it didn’t even reach your ears.

‘This can’t be happening! This has to be some sick nightmare! Everything I’ve worked so hard for is being broken down before my eyes. All because of that damn Jiraiya. No, it’s not his fault, it’s mine,‘

You landed on a tree branch a hundred miles outside of Konoha, breathing heavy. Your head was lowered as you fell to your knees, clutching your stomach.

‘It’s my fault. If I would have kept my mouth shut… I never should have told anyone. It’s my own fault this is happening. I should have been more careful. I shouldn’t have let my emotions get the best of me. How could I have forgotten what Itachi had taught me?’

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Flashback

As a young child, you ran through the forest, searching for your elder friend. He was the big brother you had always wanted and you knew you could confide in him with anything and everything you might need.

“Are you looking for me, Y/N?”

Your face lit up as you ran up to the boy, hugging him tightly. “Itachi! I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Sorry. I’ve been training.” He smiled, ruffling your hair.

“Ita~chi! You know I hate that!” you pouted. “What are we going to do today, Itachi?”

His smile softened as he held his hand out to you. You put your small hand in his. Itachi led you to a hidden waterfall just outside the village.

“It-It’s beautiful!” your eyes sparkled happily as you took in the sight.

“I thought you might like it.” He picked you up, setting you down on a large rock. “Today, I’m going to teach you a life lesson that you should always keep with you.”

“Alright,” you sat on your knees, giving him your full attention.

“This may not seem to make sense to you now, but it will when you get older.” He paused, “You should always hide your emotions from others. Never let anyone get to close to your heart. Never show your emotions to people. It’ll only end with you being hurt or killed. You should remain emotionless at all times.”

“Alright, Itachi.” you smiled brightly, throwing your arms around his middle.

He smiled sadly, gently rubbing your head.

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“How could I forget something so important?” you whispered harshly to yourself.

“Forget what?”

You jumped in surprise, nearly falling out of the tree. You had been so wrapped up in your thoughts, you hadn’t noticed Shikamaru approaching you, a look of concern on his face.

You stared at the ground sadly. “Itachi taught me once… that I should always keep my emotions hidden. That I shouldn’t let anyone get close to my heart.”

“Why would you want to do that? Look at how he and Sasuke turned out. Do you really wanna be like that?” His voice was soft.

“It’d save me a lot of emotional trouble,” you muttered under your breath.

“Is this about that rumor going around?”

You didn’t respond, but he noticed how your body tensed at the mention of it.

He walked closer and you stepped back. This continued until your back was against the trunk of the tree. He reached up, his hand resting gently on your cheek. His eyes met yours and you couldn’t look away.  “You really are a troublesome person,” he sighed, a smile slipping onto his face. “But I do love you.”

“W-What?” your eyes widened, heart pounding in your chest.

He smiled, bringing your face closer to his own. “You heard me, Y/N. I’m in love with you and I know you love me, too. I’ve always known. I didn’t need a rumor to tell me that.”

“Shika…” you whispered, unable to stop the tears from rolling down your cheeks. He moved closer, his lips ghosting over your own. “I… I love you so much it hurts…”

“I know,” he whispered back, pushing his lips against your own. He cupped your cheeks, thumbs wiping away your tears. You grabbed a handful of his shirt, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss.

After a few minutes, he pulled away. “You’re mine now, Y/N.”

You smiled through the tears, hiding your face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you, holding you close.

‘Maybe… maybe Itachi was wrong after all.’

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[mingiswow]

Soulmate!au Series | Jooheon

Pairing: Jooheon x Reader

Summary: Everyone got their entire life to get ready for the day they were going to meet their soulmate, except for you, whose soul clock has been reset since you were born.

Words: +1,9k

Every morning you woke up with the sunlight in your eyes, the yellow-ish strings touching and warming your skin. Eyes slowly opening and, as soon as they focus, meeting the big frame on your wall.

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” Lao Tzu

Those words soothed your soul and mind for a while, until you looked to the little red numbers on your skin. Where it was supposed to be marking the time until you meet your soulmate were a bunch of zeros.

Is your soulmate dead? Do you even have one? Did you already met them and haven’t noticed? 

The questions filled your mind every day since you can remember. And ashamed of your “condition”, you hid the soulmate mark under a large real watch.

A shiver ran down your spine as you felt the soft and fluffy tail of your cat touch your skin as feathery as the winter wind.

“‘Morning, lollipop” you played with his ears, caressing his soft fur and earning a loud and soothing purr. “Are you hungry?” he meowed and you laughed. “C’mon, moma will feed you” another shiver went up your spine as your warm feet touched the cold tiles of your room, and you cursed yourself for not having bought a carpet yet.

The grey cat followed you along to the kitchen, waiting for you to fill his bowl with the food so you could finally do something for yourself. You decided on your usual egg roll and black coffee, taking your time before falling on the rush of Seoul.

You entered the Starship building greeting your coworkers as well as some trainees and idols that were there and walking straight up to your office.

“Good morning people” you smiled to the people there, that greeted you back, your best friend hugging you.

“Good morning, Y/N” Sooyoung said happily, her smile wide in the thin lips of her. “Boss said he’ll be coming over for a meeting at 10 am”.

“I don’t know why you keep calling him boss” your bags thudded on your table. “He’ll be your husband in a few months” she shrugged. “And I still don’t know why you’re still my PA when you can literally be one of the bosses of our department”.

“I like working with you. Besides, if I went to boss things up, you’d go with me-”

“And this department needs you” your boss arrived and ruffled your hair, it was incredible how he loved to treat like a kid even though you were already 24. “How’s the brainstorm?” he asked you, sitting in your chair and the you noticed three of the seven Monsta X members. You waved at them happily, after so many years working there, you grew a soft spot for them.

You, your boss, Shownu, Kihyun, Changkyun and other people from your team spent the whole morning and good part of the afternoon discussing the concept and the visuals for their up and coming comeback, only stopping to eat the takeovers Sooyoung brought.

“I think that we should mix it up a little bit” Changkyun spoke, holding two of the concept boards. “I don’t know, maybe make it a little more urban and edgy rather than dark”.

“Like the one we did for our last Japanese comeback?” Kihyun asked and the maknae nodded. You analysed the boards in front of you as well as the lyrics and meanings. “Call Jooheon and Wonho, they helped produce the album” the boy nodded and sent a message in his phone.”

In a matter of minutes, the two known faces arrived and took their parts in the discussion, expressing their thoughts over the ideas.

Your eyes tried to concentrate on that creative mess in front of you but they unconsciously traveled over the face of the so well-known boy. You and Jooheon were born in the same day, the same hospital, with a difference of seconds, making him older than you - which was enough for him make fun of you and try to piss you off.

Ever since then, your parents became friends, consequently, you two too. Jooheon has been in the most importants parts of your life and you on his. When he became a trainee, when he took part in the survival show, the debut, every single bit of his life you were there. It was more than clichè to tell you’d fall for him, but can someone blame the heart? 

Yes, you can. And you did. Every single day of your existence.

Because while you were there, with your soulmate clock stopped, his was counting. He had someone. And it wasn’t you.

“Y/N? Y/N~ah!” you woke from your daydreams with Sooyoung shaking you angrily. “Are you okay? What do you think of this?” you nodded and smiled, just letting an  I think that’s great almost inaudible. “Then that’ll be!” the woman clapped her hands excitedly, being followed by the others in the room.

Everyone started to either dissipate from the room or talk to each other about the work to be done from then on. You just wanted to go home, put your feet in a nice and warm bucket of water and stuff your face with pasta and wine, when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You didn’t have to look to know to who that gripped belonged to.

“You. Me. My place. Movies and food.” he said excitedly pointing from you to him. His brown eyes shining galaxies that made you never wanted to stop looking at it. “Oh! And I won’t accept a no as an answer” you rolled your eyes and sighed. You could be 50, 60, and still would act like kids with each other. “Yah! C’mon, Y/N! I’ve finished everything for the comeback, I’m finally free and I want to spend some quality time with my bestie”.

“Kyunnie! I think Jooheon is talking to you” you called the youngster, earning a laugh from the boy in front of you. “Are you serious right now?” he nodded and nudged to your sides, basically cuddling you. He always did that when he wanted attention. “Ok. But I’ll go home first and take a shower and change” he nodded and kissed the tip of your nose, running away from somewhere you didn’t know. “He’s nuts”.

It was almost 8 pm when you parked your car in front of the condominium, giving it to the car keeper of the fancy place.

“Hey!” Jooheon greeted you with a hug, even before you rang the bell. “I saw you coming from the cameras” you giggled at him. You absolutely loved this silly and caring way he had. After all, that’s one of the reasons that made you fall for that man.

Stopping to analyze all the situation, the main reason that you fell for Jooheon is that you allowed yourself too. You never had anyone to wait for, never spend your days dreaming about how your soulmate would look or how they’d be. You had enough time to pay attention to the tiny details of the man you trusted and cared the most. The little things that made Jooheon himself. 

You only wished you could understand why you were different from everybody else and why your soulmate couldn’t be your true soulmate, the one you chose.

“What will we do tonight?” he asked pulling you to the couch perfectly placed in the center of the room.

“You were the one who invited me. You decide” his arms hugged your waist and pulled you to snuggle on his chest, which you gladly did, hugging him back and hearing his fast heartbeat. “Are you okay, Joo?” he only nodded, his hands caressing your hair like the rarest feather from a phoenix.

“Y/N…” his voice came as a whisper, loud enough only to travel slowly to your ears.

“Jooheon” 

“I have something to tell you” the chill that ran down your spine the day you saw him shirtless was nothing compared to the one you felt that moment. Every single pore of your body was awaken. Those simple words made your heart to beat at the same pace his own and, only then, you could tell it was because he was nervous. 

You nodded after a while, waiting for him to say something. The boy lifted his and your body, eyes meeting too close for comfort. His right hand pulled his left sleeve, revealing his soulmate clock, the remaining time almost ending. 

“Joo-” you could feel your heart traveling from your chest to your mouth then coming back. With a swift movement, he took his clock out. revealing another one underneath. Your eyes blinked quickly, trying to assimilate everything. “What’s… What the fuck, Lee Jooheon?” you screamed, louder than you wanted.

“The company gave me a fake clock the moment I entered so I could figure it out what was wrong with me and my soulmate” you listened carefully to the boy in front of you. “I never really cared about it, I didn't have time for it after all. But the fake clock was running and time getting tighter, so I had to figure it out what to do, especially with monbebes already knowing about my clock” he sighed, holding your hands on his. 

“That means you already met your soulmate?” the question was low, the pain in your heart being too much. His clock was reseted. The zeros adorning his arm.

“My clock always showed zeros. I can’t remember one day it had numbers on it. I didn’t know what was the problem until my mom realized. My clock never worked because I already knew my soulmate. I always did. Our clocks didn’t work because we met each other the moment we were born” you blinked a few times, too much information to handle. 

“So… Me and you are…” he nodded.

“I guess, but there’s only one way to know for sure” his body came closer than already was, chests close, knees brushing each other, foreheads touching and the hot breaths mixing it with each other. You closed your eyes and waited. His soft lips ever so gently touched yours, just enough to tickle the muscle and make your body shiver even more than it already was. You were the one who closed the space between your bodies, hand holding the back of his neck and pushing his head torwards yours.

As soon as your lips finally met, an eletric wave ran from your lips to your wrists. The numbers burning your skin, the forms changing to become each other's name. Your fingers gently touched the red-ish name imprinted in his skin. The tears threatening to scape your eyes as you felt your whole body warm up.

“I love you” the words came so easily out of his lips, like they were waiting on the tip of his tongue for so long to be spelled out. “I’m more than happy to know that you are my soulmate” his nose caressed yours, arms wrapping you up in a tight hug. “I love you so much, Y/N”.

“I love you too, Joo” it felt so good saying those words with the real meaning. “The only bad part is that we won’t have all that cute fluff shit of getting to know each other” you pouted.

“Says who?” he left your embrace and got on his feet, you following along. “Hi, I’m Lee Jooheon. Your soulmate” you laughed at his silliness. “Nice to meet you”.

“I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you too” you shooke his hand, but quickly enough he pulled to another kiss.

And another.

And another.

Shownu | Wonho | Minhyuk | Kihyun | Hyungwon | Jooheon | I.M

Requests are open

Masterlist

[artificialqueens]

A dream you're having (Thorcid) - Saiphl

This is a repost of a work I’ve shared a long time ago, unfortunately and for unknown reasons it disappeared and now I’m reposting.

So, for those who are new here and haven’t read it, this texts is highly triggering and here are the warnings: gun shots, homophobia, violence and references to many deaths.

For those who already knew this text, thanks for giving it another shot and I hope you enjoy the now betaed version.

My most sincere thank you to Alexandriabelle for helping me to tame it.

=================== A dream you’re having

“How do you know this isn’t a dream you’re having, and if this is a dream, does that make it any less real?”

He woke up with the first traces of sunlight that hit his eyelids. His whole body was aching like hell.  He exhaled while moving his torso, lying on his belly as he was, it took a monstrous effort to turn to his back. It was worse when he tried to cover his eyes with his left arm, the sun outside casting a very bright light.

-What the fuck?- He mumbled, the smell of fabric softener making things confusing for him. It didn’t even smell like the one he used on his own bed clothes… He didn’t remember how the hell he got to bed, a fuzzy image of him still in drag before everything faded black. His pounding head was a reminder to never, ever drink black pearls again.  Taking a deep breath, Jamin finally managed to sit on the bed, allowing his eyes to adjust to the morning light.

A funny clock with music keys working as the actual numbers greeted him, letting know that those lights weren’t the first lights of the morning. It was actually noon and he was still confused and trying to figure out where he was. Everything was messy around him, instrument cases on the shadiest corner, clothes, shoes, wigs and pumps here and there, a comforter full of makeup and a huge mirror holding colorful pictures.  

Jamin got off the bed, feeling dizzy and realizing he was butt naked, his drag neatly folded over the only chair on the messy bedroom of what he realized was Shane’s place in Brooklyn. He catches a glimpse of his face on the mirror: smeared yellow and dark orange makeup, his lids still sticky with mascara and eyeliner, the fading shade of his overdrawn lips of the night before, and a non subtle path of hickies going down through his chest, belly and abs.

Ok, he had better mornings, but still he couldn’t help the smile spreading on his face; engaging with Thorgy after a gig would always be a blast, especially if you wake up gloriously naked on her bed and still wearing what’s left of your makeup of the night before.  Still smiling to himself on the mirror, he started cleansing his face.

- And that’s what I call a well-rested-arrogant-self-satisfied-and-totally-spent-bitch face-, Shane said, lying on the frame of the door with his arms crossed, the dreadlocks going everywhere down his shoulders, back and chest, making Jamin’s smile grow wider, just to turn and face him

-Guess I’m a self satisfied bitch right now, the Hansel and Gretel-ish path to my dick says that we had a great time -, Shane couldn’t help but smile at Jamin, with the same self satisfied expression.

-Well, if you are into fucking the dead, it was a great night- Shane answered, with that little spark of the teaser. Not noticing at all, they took a couple of steps to each other, and there was it, that magnetic force that pulled Thorgy to Betty’s bed the first time working its magic again, this time, dragging Jamin to Shane’s bed… for the we-lost-our-count-a-long-while-ago time. A tangle of limbs going here and there, soft whispers and parted lips.

==

Jamin is awake again, feeling disoriented and with a headache threatening to make him blind, he’s not sure where he is, the only thing he knows, is everything hurts… from the blinking of his eyes, to the attempts of deep breathing; but most of all, there’s something that hurts most than his body, a deep pain on his chest making him sure that anything is alright and will never be again.  He had never been a fatalist, but everything in that moment felt as wrong as a saint shooting two guns at the same time to the crowd.

His mouth was dry and his throat felt like he haven’t used it for ages, an attempt of sound formed on the back, making him sound like a wounded beast, exhaling the last of its life, a muffled voice coming from beside him, something like “he’s awake… he’s awake!”, immediately followed by what it seemed an acute beep that hurt his ears badly, making his headache even more intense.  Soon the place was full of voices and silhouettes that Jamin couldn’t see at all, he already tried to produce a word, but his voice wasn’t helping at all.

-Where am I?- he finally produced, when a soothing wave of painkillers flood through his veins, making him able to focus on see what was in front of him, the worried face of Christopher was there, who produced a little smile when he heard him talk.  

-It’s a long story pal… thank god you’re back- he said to Jamin, quickly looking to the other side in a futile attempt to hide the tears that were falling down his eyes.

After a couple of minutes, what seemed to him, like an army of nurses and doctors left them alone, and Bob took again the place beside Jamin’s bed.  -Jesus Betty, you know how to keep a bitch awake- he joked, with a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Jamin sighed, being blasted by the sting of pain on his ribcage.

-Where am I, Chris?- he asked again, making Bob exhale so slow that if it weren’t for the heavy weight Jamin felt over his arms, could’ve slapped him to bring him back.

-We are at Brooklyn hospital, J- was the cryptic answer from Christopher, that made Jamin get the chill, he didn’t remember why he could end at Brooklyn Hospital, but something in Chris’ face, told him that something was really wrong and it had something to do with the big hole he felt all over his chest.

===

Shane was pacing around like a defenseless caged animal, his face tense as the strings of his violin, it has been more than three hours since Jamin’s last call, he were supposed to reach him at the club, they had a gig together, and as far as he found himself busy doing his face and bringing Thorgy back to life, he didn’t noticed how much time passed since the tone of her cell announced that call, that made him smile.

He was about giving the thousand u turn on the dressroom when the door got opened, Jamin’s tired face finally showing through it, Thorgy ran straight to him, rushing some kisses over his face and lips -I was so worried, it’s been three hours since we spoke and…-  

Jamin took Shane’s hands on his -and I’m here… I’m sorry I’m so late, my luggage took ages at the conveyor belt and things got nasty when I came from the airport… but I’m here babe, I’m here-.

Thorgy gave one more peck to Jamin’s lips and look straight to his blue eyes, -Let’s get you ready, do your face, I’ll get your clothes hun- .

Shane’s head was running wild, but he managed to be outcoming and cheerful as he has always been on the stage, few hours later, they were heading to Kim’s place in Chicago, the car windows were darkened, so they could easily go through the streets without being noticed.  They hadn’t call a cab for some years now, it wasn’t safe anymore, but at the end of the night, they always had each other to soothe the awfulness of the world around them.

Kim greeted them with a meaningful smile as soon as he opened the door, and that was everything to them, there were still few safe places, there were so little chances to get together and feel that everything didn’t change.  That night, when they crashed on the guest room of Kim’s house, Shane kept a strong grip on Jamin’s t-shirt while he slid in a less than peaceful sleep and Jamin caressed his hair until he felt calmed enough to fall asleep too.

They have been together for some years and Jamin was worried, most of all, that the violent times they were living could reach them; by that time, he was sure enough that waking up to an empty spot where Shane’s smiling face should be, was the last thing that could happen and he was not taking that risk. He should take Shane and himself away from the US as soon as he could.

===

Jamin woke up again to see Christopher’s face again, looking even more tired and showing dark circles under the eyes -what time is it now?- he asked, still with raspy voice -it’s noon, you’ve been sleeping for a while, lazy bitch- both of them smiled to each other, too exhausted to actually laugh.  -So… what’s the story, Bob? why am I at the Brooklyn hospital with your ugly face beside my bed?- the smile on Chris’ face faded again, He stood as tall as he was, making Jamin feel small and defenseless, the hole in his chest more evident with every second passing.

-Well… guess you were fucked up enough to not remember but…- Bob covered his face with his hands, to finally look at Jamin again. -You and Shane were at this drink and draw thing you were invited to, downtown New York, many of our friends were there too- he said, starting to pace on the little hospital room -one of those radical groups found out and there was a shooting- Bob’s voice cracked, his eyes full with tears -we… we’ve lost many of them, Michael, Greg, Jaremy, Dan, his husband… they all are gone-.

Jamin started feeling numb, Michael and Greg were close friends to him, they have always supported his approach of drag, and were more than loud on encouraging him to keep faithful to his style and aesthetics. Knowing those great human beings were lost, felt like someone kicked his nuts so hard that he couldn’t feel anything else, but most of all, he caught Chris’ avoidance to mention the one he cared the most - how long I’ve been here? where’s Shane?- he asked, feeling the bile rising up his throat.

-It’s been a week, the doctors were not so optimistic on you coming back with us, J- Christopher said, in a darkened voice - about Shane… I need you to keep calm, you shouldn’t do anything stupid- he continued, noticing how his voice became lower-.  Jamin looked straight at him.

-Where’s Shane?- he asked, his voice raised in a high pitch -is he…?- He couldn’t even think on a world where Shane wasn’t spreading his light and optimism. A world where Shane will not be apprehensively gripping his t-shirt to sleep, or to kiss him good morning.

Bob took a deep breathe, unconsciously taking his fingers to press the bridge of his nose -he’s here too… - he said, after long seconds, trying to find his own words and not to hurt even more his dear friend -he’s got a couple of shots… certainly less than you got, but he lost lots of blood, and he barely made it through the hospital… he hasn’t come back yet, but with each day the hopes are less… and less- Christopher finished that last sentence sobbing.

He wished to have better news to Jamin, he wished to tell him Shane was ok, that he was going to make it, but not even him could dare to make such a stupid promise.

Jamin felt like he was going down an everlasting spiral, his head spinning madly and the hole in his chest even heavier than before, he wanted… no, he needed to see him, he needed to be with him, to hold his hand, to talk to him even if it was for a last time.  He tried to move, but his body didn’t respond, all those painkillers and what he realized at that moment that was a cast holding the whole of his left leg and the surgical pins on his right arm didn’t allow him to move at all. Silent tears flood from his eyes, making him feel useless and alone.

Christopher held his hand while the both of them cried and finally, Jamin fell asleep again so conscious of the illness of his body and how broken his heart was, the only thing he wanted was to see him, his Shane, even if it was to say goodbye.

===

Shane has never been an early bird, but that morning he felt full of energy… more than usual, he carefully left the bed, went for a walk and stopped at the grocery store to get some fresh fruits, went back home, sang a couple of songs and cooked a perfectly-done tower of pancakes, brewed some fresh coffee and went as silent as he could back to the bedroom, where Jamin was still asleep, gloriously calm and all tangled with the sheets of the bed.

That sight took Shane’s breath away, it wasn’t by far, the first time he saw the new morning feeling Jamin by his side, but this morning was very special… ‘cause that was the first morning he was able to see his brand new husband, sleeping in the place they will share for, what he expected, was going to be a long, long, long, long time.

By that time, everyone knew they were officially together, but they decided to keep it just for the two of them becoming a married couple. They exchanged a couple of silver rings in front of a peace judge, with the promise of a forever that started with them spending their first hours together walking through a winter night in DC.

Back to Brooklyn, they moved together to Jamin’s place, something that was natural after the time they had been a couple, and even when the department was a mess, Shane finally felt at home when he saw the resting face of Jamin, who started moving in the bed, looking for him on the empty spot of the bed, and finally opened his eyes, barely seeing the blurry shape of Shane on the door.

-Morning sleepy head- Shane greeted him with a full mouthed smile while taking some steps to the bed, and once on his reach, Jamin managed to pull him back to his side.

-Why are you up this early? you know, I didn’t get married to find an empty bed when I wake up- was the sleepy response he gave to him, who was already kissing his forehead and nose.

-It’s not my fault that you’re a lazy bitch, it’s close to noon and you’re still sleeping- Shane said him playfully just to tickle his ribs.

==

A sting of pain on his ribcage made him open the eyes, by that time he was already sick of being in bed, but his arm and leg will not let him go far from that place, and feeling that new burning pain wasn’t helping him at all, being alone on that room took him by surprise, by that time, Davis, Derrick, Sang and even Zavion had taken turns with Christopher to take care of them both.  The everlasting optimism of Derrick helped Jamin to make progress on getting sit most of the day, and the kindness of Sang kept his morale up high, but all of them refused to talk about Shane.

Jamin was getting impatient with that silent policy, and while he managed to beep calling a nurse, he was expecting for Zavion to go and bring him some news… whatever it was, he wanted to know about the outer world and most of all, he wanted to know something, anything that he could tell him about Shane.  Zavion crossed the door still smiling reassuringly to Jamin, but his face grew stressed as soon as he saw him

-Good Lord, Betty you’re bleedin’, lemme get a nurse for ya-, the dark skinned man ran to the hallway and was back in a second and behind the glass, while three nurses managed to strip him from the hospital robe and started working, followed a few seconds later by a doctor who decided Jamin was going back to surgery.

Zavion walked beside Jamin, talking to him and telling him everything was going to be alright. Then the elevator door closed leaving Jamin alone with the personal, feeling in pain and even more weak, the last thing he saw, the lights of the operating room fading through the plastic of the anesthetist mask.

—

Derrick and Mackenzie were  on each side of Shane’s bed, laying on that place, pale and thin, he didn’t resemble the unstoppable energy that always surrounded Thorgy wherever she went.  

Mac was fixing Shane’s nails, while Derrick spoke to him about how things outside seemed to get better, also about Sutan and Karl pretended romance and how people were rooting for it in an attempt to keep up their hopes, when his phone vibrated, making him leave the ICU room. Just a second later, Derrick went back with a worried expression and told Mac he was joining Zavion in the surgery floor… something was wrong with Jamin.

Mac sighed loudly, and kept working on Shane’s nails, thinking of something else to say, something to get him distracted from the idea of Jamin going again to surgery, of how much will it hurt losing two of their closest friends, especially after they’ve lost Nick in the same shooting.  Mac gave one longing sight to the door where Derrick walked away and went back to Shane.

-So… Zavion and Sang had a blast of a gig last night, at least, they had a very good crowd watching them and… -  Mac was unable to continue, Shane’s hand was holding his, still with closed eyes, and the slow breathing, becoming heavy.  

Mac’s eyes were wide open, and started calling for help. Mac stood outside of the window of the room, watching the doctor and nurses work their magic, while Shane’s confused eyes were looking with a note of desperation to find out what was happening.

In the surgery floor, Derrick and Zavion were pacing with a pregnant silence heavily surrounding them until a very tired looking doctor went to them. -How is he?- was the barely audible words that left Derrick’s mouth.

-It was a tough surgery, Mr. Ruhren lost a lot of blood again, we repaired his lung but we will have to wait until he wakes up to know if there’s any collateral damage, he’s weak and will be sent to ICU to get him under close surveillance- after those words, the doctor left and Derrick finally collapsed.

Zavion barely caught him, leading him to sit on a chair. -We need to stay strong D, there’s nothing left for us to do,- the southern man told his friend, still holding him by the arms -we cannot let them see us fall apart- he continued as Derrick started sobbing loudly.

-I can’t… no more, it’s like having Nick dying again, what if one of them doesn’t make it? how can we tell them the other half of his life is lost forever?- Derrick asked Zavion, on the verge of hysteria, they hugged in silence, lack of response, and losing what was left of their hope when Derrick’s phone buzzed making both of them jump…

“Thorgy’s back I need at least one of you here please”, Mac’s message caught them off of guard, but almost immediately, both of them ran to the elevator to join Mac on ICU, where they found Mac holding Shane’s hand, and whispering something very fast.

==

Jamin plugged in the lights and the Christmas tree came to life, showing sparkling colors here and there, caressing his face with the neon colors they both liked so much, it was their first Christmas married and it had to be perfect, even when he was a Jew, he wanted everything to look as bright as Shane’s pre-christmas good mood.

-Oh my God! oh my God!- was the first that came to Jamin’s ears after the door of their home was open -this is so beautiful babe, thank you- Shane told him, going to hug him from behind, pulling him close to his chest.

-Well, everything for my Thorgles-, Jamin answered, caressing the hands of his husband on his belly, they stood there, watching the lights shine for a moment.

-You know, this is incomplete, I always imagined sharing this with some loving husband while we danced slowly to the view of Brooklyn at night- Jamin said, teasing Shane, who immediately laughed and allowed Jamin to be free of his embrace.

-Dear husband, you actually have a loving husband and a Brooklyn night outside the window, so allow me to give you the whole fantasy.- Shane kissed Jamin’s jaw line and then went to the stereo, turning it on and picking an old CD from the rack they recently installed to put his collection in.  Some seconds later, Shane offered his hand in the most elaborated floriture to take Jamin’s and pulling him to slow dance to an Elvis Presley song.

They kissed in front of the window, caressed by the christmas tree lights and, still dancing, even after the music ended, even when the lights of their neighborhood started to be turned off.  

-Guess I could have this forever- Shane said, still lost in the warmth of his husband’s body,

-Now I can tell this is like the pre-christmas I’ve ever wanted- Jamin replied, caressing Shane’s dreadlocks.

Shane kissed Jamin’s lips once more and then looked into his eyes -I think… I think I’m ready.- Jamin seemed a bit confused and Shane smiled to him -we should tell our friends that we are officially married-.

Jamin smiled to him -I don’t know… I’m not ready to share you with the world, you know, I like you being just my husband… being just mine.-

Shane pulled him closer, to rest his chin on the other man’s shoulder. -Silly, I will always be your husband… I’ll will always be just yours,- with these words he closed his eyes, to let Jamin’s body fill him

-I can handle that, I guess… but only if you promise to keep being just my Shane.- As a response, Shane started kissing his collarbone.

===

Shane’s eyes flood with tears, as Mac’s whispers kept going, a soft smile that didn’t reach his eyes greeted Derrick and Zavion as he saw them coming, Derrick went in without thinking and Mac kissed Shane’s cheek goodbye.

Derrick took Mac’s place and Shane spoke with raspy voice -how’s my babe? Mac told me… how is he?-, Derrick took a deep breath and spoke -he’s not so well, his lung bled again and the doctor repaired it, but they don’t know what will happen- was the honest answer he gave to his friend, who closed his eyes and sighed.

-We… we wanted to talk to you all, but seems like fucking fate is refusing to let us do what we decided to do- Shane said to Derrick, who stared at him puzzled

-What are you talking about?- he asked, falling for the curiosity.  

-The one who’s lung has been repaired is not just my partner, best friend and lover… he’s also and most importantly, my husband- Shane said, half laughing, half crying again. -Could you please ask them to put my husband close to me, as far as I can’t take care of him, I want to be by his side if one… or both of us are close to death?- Shane asked, his voice cracking.

Derrick went to the medical central to check if getting them together could be an option, as far as their condition was so delicate, and the most he could get, was getting Jamin across the hallway, to get both of them as close as was medically possible.

Even when Shane’s condition was improving, they were not so optimistic on leaving or even moving him to a regular room, his organs were still regenerating and getting him in too much movement would imply a higher risk.

On the other side, a week later, Jamin was still asleep, breathing steadier, but asleep and Shane was put on a recovery room a couple of days back, falling to his own anxiety, as far as he didn’t allow none of his friends to keep the truth away from him.

When Sang went to see him, Shane just held his hand, waiting for any news, whatever it came, but he just sighed -why do you keep doing this Thorg? things are exactly like yesterday and the last twelve hours, you should stop torturing yourself-, Sang told him, being as honest and caring as he had always been with his unstoppable friend.

Shane silently cried again, he knew Sang was right, and as much as he wished to see Jamin’s blue eyes staring at him, asking every now and then how was everything going in the ICU room, was not going to improve anything -it… it’s just I miss him so much, I’d rather sit beside his bed than staying here, being useless- Shane answered in a whisper, clearly frustrated and in pain.  

-You almost bled to death from a hole in your stomach and your right kidney is still failing, baby, you’re not so much better than him, you need to take care of yourself before trying to take care of him… you’re actually helping him by getting better- the Korean man said matter of factly, with the same ease as if he were talking to a stubborn toddler, and Shane just sighed as an answer, letting the silence rise up around them.

===

Jamin had been travelling in South America, and as much as he loved performing, he missed being at home with Shane, who had travelled to Canada few days before Jamin had to go to Brazil, they had very busy schedules, and the Christmas Tree was silently waiting for them at the same place where it lit them up to dance for that magical night.

It was December the 15th, and he had been invited to a drink and draw event, he was meant to be there by himself, but he couldn’t stand to be apart of Shane for another day, so when he picked up his luggage from the conveyor belt, he made his best to ignore the unease spreading on his belly.  As soon as he got home, Jamin joined an unconscious Shane that fell asleep on the couch zapping the TV, on the screen some random cooking show making a comfortable background noise.  

-Babe… come on honey wake up, I’m home- Jamin whispered on Shane’s ear and giving a kiss on his jawline, making him jump a little and half open his eyes to hum some unintelligible response. -Come on sleeping beauty, time to kiss your prince- Jamin said, and Shane slid his arms around his waist

-No… if I’m sleeping, the prince has to come and kiss my…- not allowing him to finish the sentence, Jamin kissed him hungrily, almost with desperation and getting a loud whine from Shane when he broke the kiss -and now you’ve got my attention, are you ok Elizabeth?-  

Jamin made himself comfortable on Shane’s arms and Shane stared straight to his blue eyes -nothing… I guess, I have this drink and draw invite, and I’m not feeling like going.-

Shane pouted his lips -but you actually changed bookings to be here for that, you should go- he said, adjusting his body on Jamin’s embrace

-I know, but I missed you much more than I wanted to go to that event- a soft smile painted Shane’s lips, and an echoing one on Jamin’s face  

-Ya’know wha? we both are going, but not before I get you-, Shane said, sliding his hand down Jamin’s pants, making him moan at the contact.

===

Christopher went down the emergency stairs taking two steps at a time, even when it took less than 5 minutes, he felt like it took hours and when he finally reached Shane’s room, bent at the waist and gasping to catch his breath, he looked at both the man, that were looking at him, with puzzled looks.  -Guys, Betty’s back! babbling incoherences about some nordic god- the tall men told them, unable to keep the grin out of his face.

Sang jumped off the chair and clapped his hands, making Shane quiver on the bed. -How is he?- Shane asked with cracking voice.

-The doctors are still checking up on him, but everything seems to be fine, his lung is working better than they expected, and that bitch was just taking a beauty sleep.- Bob half laughed, and coughed again, just to walk towards Thorgy and reassuringly take his hand. -If everything’s alright with him, they’ll take the pins off in a week, looks like the both of you made it through the worst part Thorg-.  

It felt weird to be called that way, all of them had been calling his birth name since he woke up, and thinking about Thorgy, Betty and their colorful existence seemed like a long lost dream.

-I want to see him- Shane said, matter of factly -I need to see that bitch and tell him how much I’ve missed him.-

Sang held his wrist intending to keep the man on the bed -you’re not going anywhere without a doctor supervising it, remember getting better helps him to get better-.  

Shane stared at Sang in clear surrender, making Christopher’s mouth fall open -don’t be that surprised… I can be reasonable sometimes- Shane said, getting a cautious glare from Christopher.

-I know you better than that Shane Thor Galligan-Ruhren, so I guess I should go to get some medical approval to get your ass to your man- Shane giggled as a response and then asked Sang to give him a mirror to fix his dreadlocks.

A couple of hours and a long last discussion across the hallway later, Sang was pushing Shane on a wheelchair, and he was twisting his hands in a weird way, keeping his shoulders as straight as he had a metal line guiding his back. The somber expression in his eyes fading slowly as they reached to Jamin’s room, whose voice can be heard from the hallway.

-C’mon Chi Chi, you can convince the doctor to take me there… do it for this old bitch.- Zavion’s laughter filled the place for a second.

-Not the first time you request that bro, and the answer is the same. No! You can’t get out of here. You almost died, we are not taking those risks-, Jamin grunt as an answer and then started laughing to finish in a light coughing… Shane’s heart skipped a beat when he heard him laugh… he was alive.

===

Shane jumped in Jamin’s arms, making his husband slowly awake -Thorg? what happened baby?-, a bit disoriented. Shane looked for Jamin’s lips with his own, there was something bitter and desperate on that kiss. Something that made feel Jamin like Shane was trying to make sure the moment was real, that they were together on that old couch that Shane refused to give away when they moved to their apartment.  Jamin caressed his back trying to soothe him.

Once he made sure he was on their living room, still naked and with the Christmas tree still shining, Shane sighed in relief.

Keeping a firm grip on Jamin’s biceps, still feeling too overwhelmed to speak, but doing it anyways -what time is it?- he asked, and Jamin glanced to the music keys clock on the wall.

-It’s late for the drink and draw, but a perfect time to cuddle with my husband-, Shane cuddled against Jamin’s chest, while Jamin reached with his free hand for the remote.

-I guess we both missed each other a lot more than we thought, as far as I’m unable to get away from you-, Shane said and Jamin laughed, drawing patterns on Shane’s back distractedly.

-Why did you jump like that? were you having bad dreams?- Jamin teased Shane, who got pale, almost greenish, and Jamin looked at him feeling his stiffness. -What happened baby?- he asked, starting to soothe him again by caressing his back. -You know you can tell me anything-.  

Shane buried his nose on the hem of his neck and took some minutes to make his head clear -I… had this dream, where we both were about to die, away from each other and nothing knowing that we are married, and no one allowing us to say a proper goodbye and…- Jamin reached for Shane’s chin and kissed him tenderly.

-We are ok, babe… we are more than ok, we are healthy, and together, and butt naked and… at least in my case, really horny.- Shane giggled at that statement, he was getting horny too.

-We may throw a Christmas Eve Dinner and share the news with our people- said Jamin, before kissing Shane again, who was by then pumping his shaft with a hand and making him moan.

The remote that Jamin had been holding fell to the floor, and they got lost on each other, while in the night news they were broadcasting live from the drink and draw event.

The event had been attacked by a group of extremists, the police still assessing the damages and the injured and dead people.

[malum-af-cth]

time after time

Summary: You and Ashton have been trying for a baby, it hasn’t been really working out, and you have been struggling. (Lol Father’s Day USA.)

Pairing: Ashton x Reader (lace)

Warnings: Angst, mention of miscarriage

a/n: this literally took me forever to write I started writing it like a year ago. Today I sat down reevaluated what I had and finished it. This is what I got. :) thanks for reading.

Word Count: 1878 ish

masterlist. 

I had just gotten back from the store with another box of pregnancy tests. I had run out a couple days ago, and I was gonna need some more. Ashton and I had been trying for a baby again for a few months, and we had not had any luck.

I got out of my car in the parking garage of our building and made my way upstairs to our apartment. I was hoping that Ashton wouldn’t be home so I could hide the new box of tests and clean up a little before he came home.

I made my way to the front door and went inside. I decided to hide the box of tests somewhere that my husband would never look, the spice cabinet. Once I put the tests behind the cinnamon and garlic salt, I made my way to the bedroom to get the laundry.

Washing my clothes and Ashton’s was going to take a while seeing how he had just gotten back from tour about three weeks ago. It had been about three days since the rest of his belongings had arrived at our apartment. While I was going through some of his clothes, I found some new ones. I assumed that some of the shirts could have belonged to the other boys, but Ash had probably bought some things while he was traveling.

This wasn’t our first time trying for a baby. We had attempted before, we were successful, in the beginning. I was pregnant for about five months. Then one night when I woke up, with a sharp pain in my stomach.

“ahhhhhhhhhh”  I screamed, clutching my stomach. The pain I felt in my stomach was like no other. It was worse than any period cramp I had ever experienced. I could feel the bed shift next to me as Ashton was waking up. He immediately turned on his bedside lamp and then quickly held me by my shoulders trying to comfort me.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Are you ok? Is it the baby?” he said slowly rubbing my back trying to soothe me.

“It’s my stomach, I think it is the baby,” I said frantically, “we need to go to the hospital now!”  

“ughhhhhhhhhh!” I screamed again, the pain was excruciating. I couldn’t see as well, due to the pain. From what I could hear Ashton was quickly putting on some clothes, as I sat trying to understand what was going on with my body. I could hear him shuffling around the room, and then I felt him helping me up off the bed. As I got up, I saw a blur of red on our white bed sheets.

I pulled some of the clothes that I had washed and dried out of the dryer to fold them. I took the bundle of clothes to our bedroom, along the way there, I saw a small bag on the floor hidden under a table in the hall. I had finished putting away the clean clothes when my thoughts were brought back to that small bag I saw on the floor. I picked it up and looked inside, I saw a small piece of clothing and pulled it out. As I looked at it, I realized that is was a baby onesie. It was black with long sleeves, and footie covers. On the front it read, “rock out with your blocks out.” it also had a picture of some blocks that resembled legos. I slowly ran my fingers across the front of the outfit, craving the feeling that being pregnant had brought me.

I was so engrossed by the memory of my miscarriage, I hadn’t realized that I had been crying. I wiped the tears from my face and placed the onesie back in the bag. I put the bag back where I got it from. I was feeling curious and impatient, so decided to go see if I was pregnant yet.

I pulled the test from its hiding spot and made my way to the bathroom. I was nervous, a little more than normal. This was the first time I was taking a test this week, and it was only Tuesday. I began pacing around the bathroom, waiting for the need to pee come back. I had been drinking a lot of water earlier with the intent to be able to take this test.

To say I was afraid would have been an understatement. I was trying everything just to pee. I turned on the sink and thought about water. I even thought about doing some kind of rain dance just because I thought the constant moving would work, and I got lucky because it did. I had to practically run to the bathroom without tripping. I knew Ashton was gonna be home soon. 

I was afraid of him coming home while I was waiting for the results and it not being positive. I didn’t want to disappoint him again. Ashton and I have been together long enough for me to know how his brain worked. Being a father has always been at the top of his list of goals. I couldn’t stop laughing the first night we ever talked about having a future together.

“I mean just imagine it, Lace having four or five jr’s running around the house,” he explained walking around the living room. This was the most animated I have ever seen him be about something that was not music related.

“Ash, baby, we have only been dating for four months, and you already want kids?” I knew he didn’t want to have kids unless we were married, but at this moment I knew teasing him would bring me more humor than the show playing on the tv behind him.

I had thought that he barely heard me, but after I asked him my question, he stopped in his tracks, put his forefinger and thumb on his chin as he was thinking. The next thing I knew he ran over to me on the couch. Scooped me, my blanket, and my water bottle up in his arms and ran to the bedroom.

“Ashton Fletcher, what on earth are you doing?” I said trying not to fall or drop anything.

“We definitely are not ready to have kids yet, but we should probably start practicing for the future…” he said with a chuckle and a wink.

I laughed at the memory, knowing that at this rate we had learned that practice doesn't make perfect. At least in our book, it made progress. I was just about to check the results when I heard Ashton yelling for me from the kitchen. I quickly shoved the test in the bathroom drawer without looking and went out to greet him.

“Hey babe, did you just get home?” I said rearing the corner to see Ash with Mitchy Collins and Josh Raven. They were all drinking beer and chilling. I walked over to Ash who was sitting on our island, gave him a kiss, stole his beer and went to the couch.

I loved his friends because they were my friends too, but I was a little too stressed out right now to deal with anyone other than my husband.

Ashton had started to respond when I heard Josh say, “Welp, I guess that's our cue to leave mitch.” He and I had been pretty good friends since ash helped Josh and his band with some music. I heard them start to say their goodbye’s. I didn’t want them to leave because I was having a moment, so I went back over to Ash and gave him his beer back.

“You guys don’t have to leave, I just need ya’ll out in about an hour,” I said with a smile. Turning to ash, I whispered in his ear, “You are good to have them here for a bit, I am okay. But don’t forget you are the one who wanted to do a little practicing when you got home today.” I heard him release a heavy breath as I pulled away. I took another sip of his beer, set it in his hand. Bid adieu to our friends, each with a hug, and went to my office to get some work done while they were hanging out.

The guys were at our house for another half hour before I heard Ashton going into our bathroom, and a partial panic arose inside of me. I had forgotten about the test and was kind of hoping to find out if we had been successful or not before him. I never wanted him to be disappointed again. I knew I couldn’t protect him forever.

So I got up from my desk and started to make my way to our bathroom. As I got closer I heard a faint sobbing, I started to walk slower, afraid of what I was about to encounter. Seeing Ashton with the test was what I was expecting, but it still took the breath out of my lungs. I wanted to rush to his side and comfort him because his reaction was leading me to believe the worst right now, but when he stood up, turned to me, a smile spread to his face, I knew I could have hope.

He wiped away his tears and asked me with his eyes when, and how long I knew. At that moment I couldn’t wait any longer I ran to him and hugged him in the hope that we had become a full family again.

“Ashton, what does it say?” I asked with my arms wrapped tightly around him, hoping for the best. Afraid to let go and find out the worst. He rubbed my back with his free hand and then pulled away. We were still so close that our foreheads were resting on each other and he started to speak softly.

“Baby, we did it. We made progress.” with his words; I opened my eyes and looked at his hand to see the two pink stripes. I was finally able to breathe again. I looked up at my husband again brought my hands to his face and kissed him like there was no tomorrow.

We were soon out of breath but in such a desperate need for each other. I could feel my husband start to back us up into the hallway.

“Josh, Mitchy!” he yelled, and the boys popped their heads around the corner “um so… my wife is pregnant, and I gotta make sure my kid stays in there this time. So ima need you assholes to get out of my house so I can make love to her.” the boys looked at each other, then back at us. I was now leaning against the wall with Ashton towering over me, his left hand on the wall and his right on my waist, my arms wrapped around his torso and my right foot on the wall behind me. I heard them scrambling shouting their final goodbyes and rushing out the door.

Ashton chuckled as his friends' actions, shook his head and turned his focus back to me. I could see the glow of happiness in his eyes, and at that moment I was ready to do this again with the love of my life.

He brought his lips to my ear and whispered the most beautiful thing I’d heard all day, “Now where were we my love? Ah, yes celebrating our victory.”

tags: @5sexonds-of-smut @ghostofbabylon @winkwinkluke @irwinstuffs

[zalrb]

This episode was SO jokes {TVD 8x15 Review}

Hi all! You know the deal. I write my thoughts in real time so anything I saw at the beginning that might be a mistake may be corrected by the end. This review will have anti-Damon, anti-Delena, anti-Steroline, anti-Bamon, anti-Bonenzo sentiments and will most likely have references to other shows and to the misogynoir, anti-blackness and racism in the narrative. If you do not like it, you do not have to read this. Are you ready? OK! Let's go. 1. So I'm stopping a very promising Kdrama to watch this. The Kdrama is called Mirror of the Witch, I'm on the first episode and already there are more consequences in this drama than all eight seasons of TVD. So far it looks exceptionally dark and mean-spirited, I think it might actually disturb me. Anyway. It's still entirely ridiculous that Cade's last words are “Go to hell.” Like why? Also why would Stefan say, “You first”? Wasn't Cade already in hell? Like didn't he sort of create it? And now he's just ... dead? What was that dialogue? 2. I like how opening the door to Cade's world will only destroy everything for “miles”, like that's such a small scale, shouldn't it be the end of the world if the devil is walking among us? Or is he not the devil, is Katherine the devil? I'm confused about the Hell hierarchy, you see. 3. Also I should mention I have a cold and I took cough syrup and it SAYS non-drowsy but last night I was knocked the fuck out so if I get a little loopy near the end, it could be that. Or it could be that watching TVD has finally addled my brain. Who knows. 4. They really do hype Katherine way too much. 5. Sorry, pausing because my cat is being extremely affectionate and I would rather play with her for a little than watch what trash this episode is going to be. 6. But now she's on my keyboard. It's like she's trying to spare me. 7. The lighting in this episode seems to be darker than normal, I can barely see anything. 8. I think it's funny that Caroline keeps waking up expecting to see Stefan and he's not there. 9. Matt's hair is SO stupid though. LIKE WHY. 10. I have it paused because the video is loading still but like seriously, he looks thoroughly unattractive like this and out of character I think Zach is pretty cute, so like ugh, why am I subjected to this. 11. Why do we care about Matt's dad again? 12. Or his mother for that matter. 13. Like remember when she came to town and then made out with Damon and then they discovered Vicki was dead and she made out with Tyler? Or was Tyler first and then Damon? Either way, she's messy af. The only interesting dynamic was her and Caroline and Elena. She's pointless. 14. “That was a lifetime ago, things have changed since then” that should just replace the title of TVD. “Didn't Damon kill your sister?” “That was a long time ago.” “Didn't Damon kill your brother” “That was a long time ago.” And now apparently abandoning your family because of man pain and cowardice and immaturity is “a lifetime ago” too but oh no, Stefan was a ripper a literal century ago and we need to harp on it forever. 15. Real talk, I already feel kinda woozy but it's fine it's like being buzzed and it's probably the only way I will get through this episode. 16. Why would Dorian agreeing to help them on how to get rid of the “Queen of Hell” be misconstrued as him being “cool” with Stefan though? Isn't getting rid of someone who is supposed to be the devil Plus be in everyone's best interest? Like whatever, it was just another chance to take a shot at Stefan. Transparent as fuck. 17. That red looks nice on Kat. 18. I like how Katherine is in this world, everything is supposed to be going to shit and Matt isn't like “Mom, Dad, I hate you but you need to leave town because you could possibly die” he's just like yeah fam, I'm rescheduling our awkward dinner date. Like lol. It would be more interesting if he didn't give a shit if they died but this is just the writers being the writers. In Buffy, when the Mayor is supposed to devour all of Sunnydale, Buffy forces her mother to leave town and tells her if she doesn't her presence will get her [Buffy] killed. 19. I love Stefan's face when Damon says “she's obsessed with Stefan” like BITCH WHO TOLD YOU TO TALK? 20. Why does it have to be a wedding though? It could just as easily be an engagement party or a rehearsal dinner, like sooooooooooo forced. 21. I mean, I don't blame Bonnie for hating Stefan but Damon was responsible for killing Jeremy and kidnapping Jeremy, Enzo was responsible for suffocating Jeremy and she's cool with both of them, hell she fell in love with one of them so I'm just like girl, I guess. The writers are ridiculous because it just feels like they don't know the web they've created with these characters and understand that they've turned pretty much everyone into a hyprocrite. 22. And as a non-Beremy shipper, I still think Bonnie loved Jeremy more than Enzo and Beremy was a problematic af ship but at least some things were halfway earned, Bonenzo is pure dialogue, fam. 23. Oh and looks. 24. I don't even know why Damon needs to tell Stefan that what happened to Enzo will haunt him like Stefan isn't new to guilt. Why are they making it seem like this is Stefan's first rodeo? 25. My video keeps fucking buffering. I might switch sites because I love myself too much to drag this out longer than I have to. Because I am only eight minutes in, that's not gonna fly. 26. OK so everything is just buffering. I was supposed to have my data back, what is this. 27. Right now I have it paused on Damon. I really don't get what anons mean when they tell me his arms are huge. Like I don't see it. 28. WHO CARES ABOUT MATT'S MOM? What's her name again? Kelly? 29. Is she dying? 30. She's dying. 31. Oh she's dead. Ish. 32. “Oh please don't be mad at me, Caroline” that actually sounded like Stefan was talking to his mother. 33. Yeah this BE scene is giving me nothing. 34. Liz did a TERRIBLE job protecting MF, who are we kidding? And toasting with your rape victim about how her mother became your best friend and now her daughter will be your family is disgusting. 35. Lol yes use the SE necklace that Damon kept taking to give it to Caroline on her wedding day for Stefan because we're ignoring how important that necklace was to SE, sure. 36. Seriously, Caroline looks at Alaric with more love than she does Stefan. Like just marry him, y'all are more compatible and have more chemistry than you and Stefan anyway. Like omg. 37. “I hope I get to see this one day with you and Elena” lol the FLATTEST delivery ever. Like do you even mean it? Do you REALLY? Think hard, Stefan. 38. “I want to be a part of your happiness” I mean I guess. I don't like Bonnie being arbitrary in her blame for Stefan but like can the girl be selfish and feel what she feels when she feels it for once? And indulge? Like?? 39. I also find it interesting that Stefan and Caroline don't have a private moment before the wedding, like I know this isn't how we wanted to do this blah blah blah. They're so segregated even when they're together. 40. Do the writers not know of any alcohol other than bourbon? 41. The slow mo doesn't change the deadened expression on Paul's face, guys. Sorry. 42. Also Alaric's speech is stupid, who becomes “family” with the people who have continuously terrorized your life and are responsible for the people you've lost? Like that's when you see a psychiatrist because you have serious emotional issues. 43. “You saw light in me when all I saw was darkness.” WHEN WAS THIS? NO LEGIT WHEN? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. Madly in love, you don't even look madly in love, you look SO chill. OMG. 44. LOL bout you've been ready since you saw him at school. You were on his jock for one episode, then you onto Damon and were unfortunate enough to be his victim, then it was Matt, then it was Tyler, then it was Klaus, then it was Tyler then it was Jesse then it was Klaus then it was Stefan. Girl bye. 45. That SC dance looks SO AWKWARD. LOL SLOW MO DOESN'T MAKE SHIT BETTER UNLESS IT'S ALREADY GOOD 46. Of course Matt's dad isn't dead. I mean he got stabbed when it was light out and now it's dark but he's still gurgling. Jesus. We met him THIS season, Julie, you can kill the irrelevant fucker off. 47. I don't know why Caroline is STILL wearing the necklace. 48. HER NAME IS KELLY. I WAS RIGHT. 49. Why isn't Caroline vamp speeding into the house? 50. Really? That's your reaction to your kids potentially dying? 51. So like the smoke is having no effect on Bonnie? 52. And them siphoning her doesn't hurt? 53. Caroline is legit calm when she thought her kids were dead for a minute. 54. LMFAO SO WHO ISN'T IN HELL? Vicki was in hell, Kelly was in hell, so like ERRBODY GOES TO HELL THEN? WHAT CRITERIA IS THERE? Like if I run a stop light do I go to hell because it's against the law? What if I jaywalk or accidentally step on an ant or something? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY. 55. STEFAN WHY DON'T YOU EVER CHECK ANYONE'S PULSE? Final thoughts: This episode didn't enrage me like I thought it would, it's just thoroughly ridiculous because it attempts to haphazardly rewrite history and Paul was such a lacklustre groom, like faaaam, those vows were horrible. And Caroline and Stefan are just so isolated from each other, like they don't feel like a couple or a pair, they don't feel like one, it's so very cold. Kelly coming back with her daughter to destroy MF is like, I mean I guess, Katherine's plan isn't even original, Stefan was going to burn MF to the ground first anyway, like we're seriously recycling plots in the same season too? This was actually laughably bad.

[pansexualbatgirl-blog]

So like. Some people were kinda confused by the scattered posts and talking from my mutuals bout my new medical issues so I’m just going to quickly explain stuff here rather than to everyone individually. Anyways below this is my horror story of my gallbladder so far. No I did not have surgery yet but I’m scheduling stuff tomorrow when their office is open from the holidays. I’m alright now but occasionally still in pain and have been p much forced onto a diet.

Anyways without further ado, have the extended story of how 2016 fucked me up one more time right at the end. Anyways, I’m avoiding the majority of the gross details (the worst being probably my ultrasound and the pain which was bad)

My gallbladder got infected AND has gallstones (which is like a complicated thing im not gonna explain but long story short: OW) which happened some time just before christmas (the infection part).

Anyways I thought I had the flu the day after so I was tryna rest and stuff but all day on the 26th and 27th I was sick super bad and wasn’t able to eat. and on the 28th i was STILL sick superbad but the pain i thought was just the flu had just gotten super intense. And by that I mean when my moms boyfriend drove me to the hospital I cried at every bump. I was in so much pain it had just taken over my whole stomach and made it hard to walk and move and do anything p much (which was why I had been going to the hospital)

So anyways my mom had work in the morning and so did her boyfriend so nobody was able to stay there with me (and hospitals terrify me, for the record). So anyways I finally get to a room in emerge and the doctor comes in and THANK GOD it had been long enough for the initial tests to come in so I didn’t have to tell them I was a virgin and therefore Not Pregnant 30 billion times (because as a girl going to the hospital for stomach issues, thats their first thought). So he has me lay on my back and then starts pressing on my stomach and I screamed really loud and was caught between shaking and holding still because it hurt so bad i didnt want to move but like. He kept pressing on different places trying to find out where the pain was worst and it was on the right side (which I couldn’t really tell before since it had p much taken over half my body) which is Bad. Like, pain in the right side of your stomach is bad and they thought it was my appendix maybe so I got told I was going to get an xray and an ultrasound.

Which freaked me out.

So after he left the room my nurse came in and told me that it’d only be a few more minutes and then I was having a small anxiety attack so she helped talk me through some questions I had about the type of ultrasound the doctor had planned (bc it was originally gonna be one of the insert-smth-in-your-body ones) and told her I had anxiety issues (which will come up again later). Anyways she explained things in a way that made me feel less scared and then told me it would be painless and how it worked and made sure I was ok before going.

A few minutes later a guy comes in and puts the thing they put IVs in you into my arm and then injected me with morphine and some fluids and then walked me down to wait for my xray (which was so fucking painful lemme tell you. hes lucky the drugs were good or id have passed out by then but again: anxiety. I was too scared to ask for a wheelchair to go there).

So then they do my x-ray and the lady walked me to the ultrasound room. Not sure why (either from dehydration or because the nurse told them i was anxious about the other type) but I got the normal type of ultrasound. Which, idk if all of you have gotten one before, but theyre generally painless. Generally. They coat your belly in gel and then rub it with this thing that shows them your stomach-- painless. And by then the screeching roar of pain had dulled down a bit. Enough for it to only hurt in some places rather than all.

Anyways, she starts and I start crying right away. Like not moving, but tears everywhere. She had to guide my breathing the whole time (okay hun I need you to breathe. deep breath and hold it. okay now breathe, i know it hurts im sorry) and like I don’t know how long I was in there but it felt like forever and I was just in SO much pain the whole time even with the morphine in me.

Anyways bless her soul when she realized I had walked there she just “haha fuck that no i am wheeling you back you are not walking” only more polite and like when I answered I had walked she had this “im going to kill someone on your behalf” look on her face. So yeah she wheeled me back and told me she couldnt tell me about what she had seen on the thing (as they send it to a professional to get the reading) but she had a worried look which left me super anxious.

Ten-ish minutes not even later, the doctor comes back in, along with the nurse. He tells me that theyre admitting me and that it’s my gallbladder. He mentions its infected and my mind just goes blank with terror because when my mom had her gallbladder out it got infected amd she almost died. And at that time it didnt matter that my older sister and like two or three of my aunts had gotten theirs out with no problems, my mind just went straight to “oh my god I am going to die immediately there is no hope Im going to die alone right here in this room”. And the doctor is a bit patronizing and keeps asking me if I understand whats going on and what hes telling me and I just keep nodding and saying yeah and he left me with the nurse to go over the other stuff and I lost it. Like I had asked if I could call my mom (who I knew would understand WHY my anxiety attack had turned to a panic attack) and the nurse had been about to say that she had to go over some medical stuff first but when I broke down she quickly (bless her soul) got me my phone and let me call my mom right away (because again, I was alone at the hospital).

So yeah Im full blown panic mode and I get my mom on the phone and I barely get out “mom its my gallbladder” before i can no longer talk because I’m having trouble breathing. So my moms talking and asking me things (trying to see how bad it is) and I just am having trouble keeping up the conversation because I’m crying so hard so the nurse offers to talk to her and explains what all is going on to my mom for me properly and how bad it is (again, bless this ER nurse because she’s literally my hero). So my mom had mentioned “yeah when I had mine out I almost died from an infection” and my nurse just “yeaahhh lets not tell her that” but the thing is I already knew it was one of the scariest parts of my life and my mom said that and she kinda got how bad it was. Anyways so she gives my phone back and left to go get me something for my anxiety and my mom is telling me to call her if anything comes up and I knew she had to work in the morning so I’m trying to be calmer (because my mom needs p much all the hours that she gets, our family never has had too much money) and I went to ask if she could have her boyfriend or my sister or aunt or someone come sit with me the next day and my voice broke and it was a big sobfest and she just “I’m going to call in right now and drive up there” and Im trying to tell her not to but she just “I wouldnt be able to work with you there alone ANYWAYS” and stayed on with me while she was getting ready then when the nurse came back let me go so she could call her work (it’s community living so theres someone there 24 hours a day to answer, but either way its like one in the morning)

So the nurse brought me a pill for anxiety and chilled with me until it was time to send me up and ALSO had the pill ordered for the floor I was on so Id be able to have one if I had another attack. Now, like taking care of patients is one thing but she was an honest to god angel okay. Like she went way above and beyond what she needed to do and was super kind the whole time and even helped me pack up the little bit of stuff I had. Like good nurses in my hospital arent anything new but she was incredible and I can’t express that enough.

anyways when I’m up in the room they let me wait for my mom to get there (I was put in the old ppl ward because it had the first bed open on that floor, since it shares one with OB). When my mom got there they went over stuff with her and they said they’d know by morning if I was responding well enough to anti-biotics or if I needed an emergency surgery (which wouldve meant the inflamation/infection was very, VERY bad and not getting better). By then Ive mellowed out because morphine + anxiety medication = the highest Jean you ever did see. So I sign some papers and my mom asks more questions and then the nurse leaves (again, I was super high on the crap they gave me so I don’t really remember this part too clearly). But my mom stayed with me until I was falling asleep then gave me a hug and kissed and promised to be back in the morning when the surgeon would make the call.

Morning comes and I wake up and I woke up in too much pain to even try moving enough to hit the red page-y button for a good few minutes. Anyways when I do they bring me pain meds and they take a little while to kick in (as it was oral ones and not morphine this time) but kick in they did and by the time my mom got there (like half an hour later, its a 20ish minute drive from her place) I was very much high again (albeit still in pain).

So we wait for FOREVER for the doctor to come in and I get the news that I don’t need surgery right away but DO still need it. Annnnddd then I’m told Im spending another night there which was blah. I was also told that I wasnt allowed to eat or drink anything and that I’d be on antibiotics and fluids through my arm since they had to flush out my system or whatever.

She sat with me most of the day and chatted with the older lady’s son who was my moms age nd really nice to me even tho i spent most of the day half asleep nd full of painmeds. Anyways aroundlike 2ish? they took me to another room with a new nurse (this one in OB where I was supposed to be) and the guy wished me good luck and joked around bout how they’d loan me a wheelchair because his mom had like 4 different varieties in there ok. So in OB I had my own room and it was super big and the bed was super comfy,

Anyways my mom had to leave and let her dogs out and take care of my animals at my place so I laid there and napped off and on between pain meds and messaged some people and such. I kept dozing off on everyone though and needing to take breaks from talking and honestly theres not much to tall about this part. I slept and slept and my mom came back later and brought me a colouring book, a change of clothes, toothpaste nd toothbrush. Whcih is important because the morphine made my mouth taste gross and I wasnt allowed to have water even. Toothpaste with a gross mouth is a blessing. Boi, the things you appreciate when in the hospital lemme tell you.

Anyways I had to stay another night, this one less eventful and with less pain. I slept the whole thing nd in the morning I was feeling good enough to get up without pain meds (which i didnt need the rest of the day either woohoo). And my appetite came back (I hasn’t eaten since christmas night and even then, not that much as i didnt want food really. I hadn’t really been eating much at all that day or the couple before it) which was both good and bad... good because it meant I was getting better and bad because I was FUCKING HUNGRY OH MY GOD. But I had been dying for a drink since the day before so when later that day one of the peeps came in with apple juice and ice water I was so happy. When I was able to handle that ok I got a liquid lunch (jello, a popsicle nd broth and MORE APPLEJUICE!!!) and it was good. I got discharged not long after nd then got to go home after getting antibiotics nd pain pills.

So now the plan is to book a follow up tomorrow (since the office was closed due to the holidays) and then i go in for surgery round the middle of february. Which means I’ll probably be in the hospital on my birthday which is, you know, wonderful. Although the bright side is I’ll probably get pity presents. Maybe I’ll get a pity party. BUT I’M NO LONGER ALLOWED CAKE SO IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER.

Like I’m not on an as-little-fat-as-possible diet until its out since fattty stuff will iritate/inflame it again. I also have to avoid sugar or eating a lot at once so. Bright side I’ll probably lose the weight ive been trying to get off downside i cant eat fucking anything and i hate everything 60% of the time.

But ya that’s my story if you read this far ilu nd thanks for listening to me bitch

[artificialqueens]

A Dream you're having (Acid Betty/Thorgy Thor) - Saiph

AN: This was originally posted on AO3, but I’d like to give it a chance here in AQ, as my first shared story, and if you like what you’re reading, let me know, that will count as an inspo booster for a new job.

I must warn you, this turned to be more angsty than I thought when I started its writing, we’ll deal with some serious names counting as casualties, eitherway, we’ll have some hot moments within Thorgles and Elizabeth, so take this to consideration.

And now, have a happy reading.

A DREAM YOU’RE HAVING

“How do you know this isn’t a dream you’re having, and if this is a dream, does that make it any less real?” -RuPaul Charles-

He woke up with the first traces of sunlight that beated his eyelids, his whole body ached like hell, just as he has been carrying extremely heavy weight upon his shoulders.  He exhaled while moving his torso, lying on his belly as he was, it took a monstrous effort to turn to his back, even worse when he took the left arm to cover his eyes from the extremely brilliant light from the outside.

- What the fuck?- he mumbled, feeling alienated by the smell of fabric softener on the sheets resting on his oversensitive skin, it didn’t seem like the one he used on his own bed clothes, actually he didn’t remember how the hell he got to bed, as far as he remembered being still in drag when he lost the count of how many drinks he had, reminding himself to never, ever drink black pearls again.  Taking a deep breath, Jamin finally managed to sit on the bed, allowing his eyes to adjust to the morning light.

A funny clock with music keys working as the actual numbers greeted him, letting know that those lights weren’t the first lights of the morning, it was actually noon and he was still confused and trying to figure out where he was, everything was messy around him, instrument cases on the shadiest corner, clothes, shoes, wigs and pumps here and there, a comforter full of makeup and a huge mirror holding colorful pictures.  

Jamin got off the bed, feeling dizzy and realizing he was butt naked, his drag neatly folded over the only chair on the messy bedroom of what he realized was Shane’s place in Brooklyn. He catches a glimpse of his face on the mirror: smeared yellow and dark orange makeup, his lids still sticky with mascara and eyeliner, the fading shade of his overdrawn lips of the night before, and a non subtle path of hickies going down through his chest, belly and abs.

Ok, he had better mornings, but still he couldn’t help the smile spreading on his face; engaging with Thorgy after a gig would always be a blast, especially if you wake up gloriously naked on her bed and still wearing what’s left of your makeup of the night before.  Still smiling to himself on the mirror, he started cleansing his face.

- And that’s what I call a well-rest-arrogant-self-satisfied-and-totally-spent-bitch face-, Shane said, lying on the frame of the door with his arms crossed, the dreadlocks going everywhere down his shoulders, back and chest, making Jamin’s smile grow wider, just to turn and face him - guess I’m a self satisfied bitch right now, the Hansel and Gretel-ish path to my dick says that we had a great time -, Shane couldn’t help to smile at Jamin, with the same self satisfied expression.

-Well, if you are into fucking the dead, it was a great night- Shane answered, with that little spark of the teaser. Not noticing at all, they took a couple of steps to each other, and there was it, that magnetic force that pulled Thorgy to Betty’s bed the first time. working its magic again, this time, dragging Jamin to Shane’s bed… for the we-lost-our-count-a-long-while-ago time. A tangle of limbs going here and there, soft whispers and parted lips.

==

Jamin is awake again, feeling disoriented and with a headache threatening to make him blind, he’s not sure where he is, the only thing he knows, is everything hurts… from the blinking of his eyes, to the attempts of deep breathing; but most of all, there’s something that hurts most than his body, a deep pain on his chest making him sure that anything is alright and will never be again.  He had never been a fatalist, but everything in that moment felt as wrong as a saint shooting two guns at the same time to the crowd.

His mouth was dry and his throat felt like he haven’t used it for ages, an attempt of sound formed on the back, making him sound like a wounded beast, exhaling the last of its life, a muffled voice coming from beside him, something like “he’s awake… he’s awake!”, immediately followed by what it seemed an acute beep that hurt his ears badly, making his headache even more intense.  Soon the place was full of voices and silhouettes that Jamin couldn’t see at all, he already tried to produce a word, but his voice wasn’t helping at all.  

-Where am I?- he finally produced, when a soothing wave of painkillers flood through his veins, making him able to focus on see what was in front of him, the worried face of Christopher was there, who produced a little smile when he heard him talk.  -It’s a long story pal… thank god you’re back- he said to Jamin, quickly looking to the other side in a futile attempt to hide the tears that were falling down his eyes.  

After a couple of minutes, what seemed to him, like an army of nurses and doctors left them alone, and Bob took again the place beside Jamin’s bed.  -Jesus Betty, you know how to keep a bitch awake- he joked, with a half smile that didn’t reach his eyes.  Jamin sighed, being blasted by the sting of pain on his ribcage, -where am I, Chris?- he asked again, making Bob exhale so slow that if it weren’t for the heavy weight Jamin felt over his arms, could’ve slapped him to bring him back.

-We are at Brooklyn hospital, J- was the cryptic answer from Christopher, that made Jamin get the chill, he didn’t remember why he could end at Brooklyn Hospital, but something in Chris’ face, told him that something was real wrong and it had something to do with the big hole he felt all over his chest.

===

Shane was pacing around like a defenseless caged animal, his face tense as the strings of his violin, it has been more than three hours since Jamin’s last call, he were supposed to reach him at the club, they had a gig together, and as far as he found himself busy doing his face and bringing Thorgy back to life, he didn’t noticed how much time passed since the tone of her cell announced that call, that made him smile.

He was about giving the thousand U turn on the dressroom when the door got opened, Jamin’s tired face finally showing through it, Thorgy ran straight to him, rushing some kisses over his face and lips -I was so worried, it’s been three hours since we spoke and…-  Jamin took Shane’s hands on his -and I’m here… I’m sorry I’m so late, my luggage took ages at the conveyor belt and things got nasty when I came from the airport… but I’m here babe, I’m here-. Thorgy gave one more peck to Jamin’s lips and look straight to his blue eyes, -Let’s get you ready, do your face, I’ll get your clothes hun- .

Shane’s head was running wild, but he managed to be outcoming and cheerful as he has always been on the stage, few hours later, they were heading to Kim’s place in Chicago, the car windows were darkened, so they could easily go through the streets without being noticed.  They hadn’t call a cab for some years now, it wasn’t safe anymore, but at the end of the night, they always had each other to soothe the awfulness of the world around them.

Kim greeted them with a meaningful smile as soon as he opened the door, and that was everything to them, there were still few safe places, there were so little chances to get together and feel that everything didn’t change.  That night, when they crashed on the guest room of Kim’s house, Shane kept a strong grip on Jamin’s t-shirt while he slid in a less than peaceful sleep and Jamin caressed his hair until he felt calmed enough to fall asleep too.

They have been together for some years and Jamin was worried, most of all, that the violent times they were living could reach them; by that time, he was sure enough that waking up to an empty spot, where Shane’s smiling face should be, was the last thing that could happen and he was not taking that risk, he should take Shane and himself away from US as soon as he could.

===

Jamin woke up again, to see Christopher’s face again, looking even more tired and showing dark circles under the eyes -what time is it now?- he asked, still with raspy voice -it’s noon, you’ve been sleeping for a while, lazy bitch- both of them smiled to each other, too exhausted to actually laugh.  -So… what’s the story, Bob? why am I at the Brooklyn hospital with your ugly face beside my bed?- the smile on Chris’ face faded again, He stood as tall as he was, making Jamin feel small and defenseless, the hole in his chest more evident with every second passing.

-Well… guess you were fucked up enough to not remember but…- Bob covered his face with his hands, to finally look at Jamin again -Shane and you were at this drink and draw thing you were invited to, downtown New York, many of our friends were there too- he said, starting to pace on the little hospital room -one of those radical groups found out and there was a shooting- Bob’s voice cracked, his eyes full with tears -we… we’ve lost many of them, Michael, Greg, Jaremy, Dan, his husband… they all are gone-.

Jamin started feeling numb, Michael and Greg were close friends to him, they have always supported his approach of drag, and were more than loud on encouraging him to keep faithful to his style and aesthetics, knowing those great human beings lost, felt like someone kicked his nuts so hard that he couldn’t feel anything else, but most of all, he caught Chris’ avoidance to mention the one he cared the most - how long I’ve been here? where’s Shane?- he asked, feeling the bile rising up his throat.

-It’s been a week, the doctors were not so optimistic on you coming back with us, J- Christopher said, in a darkened voice -about Shane… I need you to keep calm, you shouldn’t do anything stupid- he continued, noticing how his voice became lower-.  Jamin looked straight at him, -where’s Shane?- he asked, his voice raised in a high pitch -is he…?- he couldn’t even think on a world where Shane wasn’t spreading his light and optimism. A world where Shane will not be apprehensively gripping his t-shirt to sleep, or to kiss him good morning.

Bob took a deep breathe, unconsciously taking his fingers to press the bridge of his nose -he’s here too… - he said, after long seconds, trying to find his own words and not to hurt even more his dear friend -he’s got a couple of shots… certainly less than you got, but he lost lots of blood, and he barely made it through the hospital… he hasn’t come back yet, but with each day the hopes are less… and less- Christopher finished that last sentence sobbing,  He wished to have better news to Jamin, he wished to tell him Shane was ok, that he was going to make it, but not even him could dare to make such a stupid promise.

Jamin felt like he was going down an everlasting spiral, his head spinning madly and the hole in his chest even heavier than before, he wanted… no, he needed to see him, he needed to be with him, to hold his hand, to talk to him even if it was for a last time.  He tried to move, but his body didn’t respond, all those painkillers and what he realized at that moment that was a cass holding the whole of his left leg and the surgical pins on his right arm didn’t allow him to move at all.  Silent tears flood from his eyes, making him feel useless and alone.

Christopher held his hand while the both of them cried and finally, Jamin fell asleep again, so conscious of the illness of his body and how broken his heart was, the only thing he wanted, was to see him, his Shane, even if it was to say goodbye.

==

Shane has never been an early bird, but that morning he felt full of energy… more than usual, he carefully left the bed, went for a walk and stopped at the grocery to get some fresh fruits, went back home, sang a couple of songs and cooked a perfectly done tower of pancakes, brewed some fresh coffee and went as silent as he could back to the bedroom, where Jamin was still asleep, gloriously calm and all tangled with the sheets of the bed.

That sight took Shane’s breath away, it wasn’t -by far-, the first time he saw the new morning feeling Jamin by his side, but this morning was very special… ‘cause that was the first morning he was able to see his brand new husband, sleeping in the place they will share for, what he expected, was going to be a long, long, long, long time.

By that time, everyone knew they were officially together, but they decided to keep it just for the two of them becoming a married couple. They exchanged a couple of silver rings in front a peace judge, with the promise of a forever that started with them spending their first hours together walking through a winter night in DC.

Back to Brooklyn, they moved together to Jamin’s place, thing that was natural after the time they have been a couple, and even when the department was a mess, Shane felt finally at home when he saw the resting face of Jamin, who started moving in the bed, looking for him on the empty spot of the bed, and finally opened his eyes, barely seeing the blurry shape of Shane on the door.

-Morning sleepy head- Shane greeted him with a full mouthed smile while taking some steps to the bed, and once on his reach, Jamin managed to pull him back to his side -why are you up this early? you know, I didn’t got married to find an empty bed when I wake up- was the sleepy response he gave to him, who was already kissing his forehead and nose. -It’s not my fault that you’re a lazy bitch, it’s close to noon and you’re still sleeping- Shane said him playfully just to tickle his ribs.

==

A sting of pain on his ribcage made him open the eyes, by that time he was already sick of being in bed, but his arm and leg will not let him go far from that place, and feeling that new burning pain wasn’t helping him at all, being alone on that room took him by surprise, by that time, Davis, Derrick, Sang and even Zavion had taken turns with Christopher to take care of them both.  The everlasting optimism of Derrick helped Jamin to make a progress on getting sit most of the day, and the kindness of Sang kept his morale up high, but all of them refused to talk about Shane.

Jamin was getting impatient with that silent policy, and while he managed to beep calling a nurse, he was expecting for Zavion to go an bring him some news… whatever it was, he wanted to know about the outer world and most of all, he wanted to know something, anything that he could tell him about Shane.  Zavion crossed the door still smiling reassuringly to Jamin, but his face grew stressed as soon as he saw him -Good Lord, Betty you’re bleedin’, lemme get a nurse for ya-, the dark skinned man ran to the hallway and was back in a second and behind the glass, while three nurses managed to strip him from the hospital robe and started working, followed few seconds later by a doctor who decided Jamin was going back to surgery.

Zavion walked besides Jamin, talking to him and telling everything was going to be alright, then the elevator door closed leaving Jamin alone with the personal, feeling in pain and even more strengthless, the last thing he saw, the lights of the operating room fading through the plastic of the anesthetist mask.

—

Derrick and Mackenzie were both on each side of Shane’s bed, laying on that place, pale and thin, he didn’t resemble the unstoppable energy that always surrounded Thorgy wherever she went.  Mac was fixing Shane’s nails, while Derrick spoke to him about how things outside seemed to get better, also about Sutan and Karl pretended romance and how people was rooting for it in an attempt to keep up their hopes, when his telephone vibrated, making him leave the ICU room, just a second later, Derrick went back with a worried expression and told Mac he was joining Zavion in the surgery floor… something was wrong with Jamin.

Mac sighed loudly, and kept working on Shane’s nails, thinking of something else to say, something to get him distracted from the idea of Jamin going again to surgery, of how much will it hurt losing two of their closest friends, especially after they’ve lost Nick on the same shooting.  Mac gave one longing sight to the door where Derrick walked away and went back to Shane.

-So… Zavion and Sang had a blast of a gig last night, at least, they had a very good crowd watching them and… -  Mac was unable to continue, Shane’s hand was holding his, still with closed eyes, and the slow breathing, becoming heavy.  Mac’s eyes were wide open, and started calling for help.  Mac stood outside of the window of the room, watching the doctor and nurses work their magic, while Shane’s confused eyes were looking with a note of desperation to find out what was happening.

In the surgery floor, Derrick and Zavion were pacing with a pregnant silence heavily surrounding them, until a very tired looking doctor went to them. -How’s he?- was the barely audible words that left Derrick’s mouth, -it was a tough surgery, Mr. Ruhren lost a lot of blood again, we repaired his lung but we will have to wait until he wakes up to know if there’s any collateral damage, he’s weak and will be sent to ICU to get him under close surveillance- after those words, the doctor left and Derrick finally collapsed, barely caught by Zavion, who put him on a chair -we need to stay strong D, there’s nothing left for us to do- the southern man told to his friend, still holding him by the arms -we cannot let them see us fall apart- he continued, as Derrick started sobbing loudly.

-I can’t… no more, it’s like having Nick dying again, what if one of them doesn’t make it? how can we tell them the other half of his life is lost forever?- Derrick asked Zavion, on the verge of hysteria, they hugged in silence, lacking of response, and losing what was left of their hope when Derrick’s phone buzzed making both of them jump…

“Thorgy’s back I need at least one of you here please”, Mac’s message caught them off of guard, but almost immediately, both of them ran to the elevator to join Mac on ICU, where they found Mac holding Shane’s hand, and whispering something very fast.

==

Jamin plugged the lights and the Christmas tree came to life, showing sparkling colors here and there, caressing his face with the neon colors they both liked so much, it was their first Christmas married and it had to be perfect, even when he was a Jew, he wanted everything to look as bright as Shane’s pre-christmas good mood.

-Oh my God! oh my God!- was the first that came to Jamin’s ears after the door of their home was open -this is so beautiful babe, thank you- Shane told him, going to hug him from behind, getting him close to his chest -well, everything for my Thorgles-, Jamin answered, caressing the hands of his husband on his belly, they stood there, watching the lights shine for a moment.

-You know, this is incomplete, I always imagined sharing this with some loving husband while we danced slowly to the view of Brooklyn at night- Jamin said, teasing Shane, who immediately laughed and allowed Jamin to be free of his embrace -well husband, you actually have a loving husband and a Brooklyn night outside the window, so allow me to give you the whole fantasy- Shane kissed Jamin’s jawline and then went to the stereo, turning it on and picking an old CD from the rack they recently installed to put his collection in.  Some seconds later, Shane offered his hand in the most elaborated floriture to take Jamin’s and pulling him to slow dance to an Elvis Presley song.

They kissed in front of the window, caressed by the christmas tree lights and, still dancing, even after the music ended, even when the lights of their neighborhood started to be turned off.  -Guess I could have this forever- Shane said, still lost in the warmth of his husband’s body, -now I can tell this is like the pre-christmas I’ve ever wanted- Jamin replied, caressing Shane’s dreadlocks; Shane kissed Jamin’s lips once more and then looked into his eyes -I think… I think I’m ready- Jamin seemed a bit confused and Shane smiled to him -we should tell them, our friends that we are officially married-.

Jamin smiled to him -I don’t know… I’m not ready to share you with the world, you know, I like you being just my husband… being just mine-, Shane pulled him closer, and rested his chin on the other man’s shoulder -silly, I will always be your husband… I’ll will always be just yours- , with this words he closed his eyes, to let Jamin’s body fill him -so I can handle that, I guess… but only if you promise to keep being just my Shane- and for all response, Shane started kissing his collarbone.

==

Shane’s eyes flood with tears, as Mac’s whispers kept going, a soft smile that didn’t reach his eyes greeted Derrick and Zavion as he saw them coming, Derrick went in without thinking and Mac kissed Shane’s cheek goodbye.  Derrick took Mac’s place and Shane spoke with raspy voice -how’s my babe? Mac told me… how is he?-, Derrick took a deep breath and spoke -he’s not so well, his lung bled again and the doctor repaired it, but they don’t know what will happen- was the honest answer he gave to his friend, who closed his eyes and sighed.

-We… we wanted to talk to you all, but seems like fucking fate is refusing to let us do what we decided to do- Shane said to Derrick, who stared at him puzzled -what are you talking about?- he asked, falling for the curiosity.  -The one who’s lung has been repaired is not just my partner, best friend and lover… he’s also and most importantly, my husband-  Shane said, half laughing, half crying again -could you please ask them to put my husband close to me, as far as I can’t take care of him, I want to be by his side if one… or both of us are close to die?- Shane asked, his voice cracking.

Derrick went to the medical central to check if getting them together could be an option, as far as their condition was so delicate, and the most he could get, was getting Jamin to the across the hallway, to get both of them as close as was medically possible. Even when Shane’s condition was improving, they were not so optimistic on leaving or even moving him to a regular room, his organs were still regenerating and getting him in too much movement would imply a higher risk.

On the other side, a week later, Jamin was still asleep, breathing steadier, but asleep and Shane was put on a recovery room a couple of days back, falling to his own anxiety, as far as he didn’t allow none of his friends to keep the truth away from him.  When Sang went to see him, Shane just held his hand, waiting for any news, whatever it came, but he just sighed -why do you keep doing this Thorg? things are exactly like yesterday and the last twelve hours, you should stop torturing yourself-, Sang told him, being as honest and caring as he had always been with his unstoppable friend.

Shane silently cried again, he knew Sang was right, and as much as he wished to see Jamin’s blue eyes staring at him, asking every now and then how was everything going in the ICU room, was not going to improve anything -it… it’s just I miss him so much, I’d rather sit besides his bed than staying here, being useless- Shane answered in a whisper, clearly frustrated and in pain.  -You almost bled to death from a hole in your stomach and your right kidney is still failing, baby, you’re not so much better than him, you need to take care of yourself before trying to take care of him… you’re actually helping him by getting better- the Korean man said matter of factly, with the same ease as if he were talking to a stubborn toddler, and Shane just sighed as an answer, letting the silence rise up around them.

===

Jamin had been travelling in South America, and as much as he loved performing, he missed being at home with Shane, who had travelled to Canada few days before Jamin had to go to Brazil, they had very busy schedules, and the Christmas Tree was silently waiting for them at the same place where it lit them up to dance for that magical night.

It was December the 15th, and he had been invited to a drink and draw event, he was meant to be there by himself, but he couldn’t stand to be apart of Shane for another day, so when he picked up his luggage from the conveyor belt, he made his best to ignore the unease spreading on his belly.  As soon as he got home, Jamin joined an unconscious Shane that fell asleep on the couch zapping the TV, on the screen some random cooking show making a comfortable background noise -babe… come on honey wake up, I’m home-  Jamin whispered on Shane’s ear and giving a kiss on his jawline, making him jump a little and half open his eyes to hum some unintelligible response.

-Come on sleeping beauty, time to kiss your prince- Jamin said, and Shane slid his arms around his waist -no… if I’m sleeping, the prince has to come and kiss my…- not allowing him to finish the sentence, Jamin kissed him hungrily, almost with desperation and getting a loud whine from Shane when he broke the kiss -and now you’ve got my attention, are you ok Elizabeth?-  Jamin made himself comfortable on Shane’s arms and Shane stared straight to his blue eyes -nothing… I guess, I have this drink and draw invite, and I’m not feeling like going- Shane pouted his lips -but you actually changed bookings to be here for that, you should go- he said, adjusting his body on Jamin’s embrace -I know, but I missed you much more than I wanted to go to that event- a soft smile painted Shane’s lips, and an echoing one on Jamin’s face  -ya’know wha? we both are going, but not before I get you-, Shane said, sliding his hand down Jamin’s pants, making him moan at the contact.

===

Christopher went down the emergency stairs taking two steps at a time, even when it took less than 5 minutes, he felt like it took hours and when he finally reached Shane’s room, bent at the waist and gasping to catch his breath, he looked at both the man, that were looking at him, with puzzled looks.  -Guys, Betty’s back! babbling incoherences about some nordic god- the tall men told them, unable to keep the grin out of his face.

Sang jumped off the chair and clapped his hands, making Shane quiver on the bed. -How is he?- Shane asked with cracking voice, -the doctor’s are still checking up on him, but everything seems to be fine, his lung is working better than they expected, and that bitch was just taking a beauty sleep,if everything’s alright with him, they’ll take the pins off in a week, looks like the both of you made it through the worst part Thorg-.  It felt weird to be called that way, all of them had been calling his birthname since he woke up, and thinking about  Thorgy, Betty and their colorful existence seemed like a long lost dream.

-I want to see him- Shane said, matter of factly -I need to see that bitch and tell him how much I’ve missed him-, Sang held his wrist intending to keep the man on the bed -you’re not going anywhere without a doctor supervising it, remember getting better helps him to get better-.  Shane stared at Sang in clear surrender, making Christopher’s mouth fall open -don’t be that surprised… I can be reasonable sometimes- Shane said, getting a cautious glare from Christopher. -I know you better than that Shane Thor Galligan-Ruhren, so I guess I should go to get some medical approval to get your ass to your man- Shane giggled as a response and then asked Sang to give him a mirror to fix his dreadlocks.

A couple of hours and a long last discussion across the hallway after, Sang was pushing Shane on a wheelchair, and he was twisting his hands in a weird way, keeping his shoulders as straight as he had a metal line guiding his back, the somber expression in his eyes fading slowly as they reached to Jamin’s room, whose voice can be heard from the hallway. -c’mon Chi Chi, you can convince the doctor to take me there… do it for this old bitch- Zavion’s laughter filled the place for a second -not the first time you request that bro, and the answe is the same NO, you can’t get out of here, you almost died we are not taking those risks-, Jamin grunt as an answer and then started laughing to finish in a light coughing… Shane’s heart skipped a beat when he heard him laugh… he was alive.

===

Shane jumped in Jamin’s arms, making his husband slowly awake -Thorg? what happened baby?-, a bit disoriented, Shane looked for Jamin’s lips with his own, there was something bitter and desperate on that kiss, something that made feel Jamin like Shane was trying to make sure the moment was real, that they were together on that old couch that Shane refused to give away when they moved to their apartment.  Jamin caressed his back  trying to soothe him.

Once he made sure he was on their living room, still naked and with the Christmas tree still shining, Shane sighed in relief and keeping a firm hold on Jamin’s biceps, still feeling too overwhelmed to speak, but doing it anyways -what time is it?- he asked, and Jamin glanced to the music keys clock on the wall -it’s late for the drink and draw, but a perfect time to cuddle with my husband-, Shane cuddled against Jamin’s chest, while Jamin reached with his free hand for the remote, -well, I guess we both missed each other, a lot more than we thought, as far as I’m unable to get away from you-, Jamin laughed, drawing patterns on Shane’s back distractedly.

-Why did you jump like that? were you having bad dreams?- Jamin teased Shane, who got pale, almost greenish, and Jamin looked at him feeling his stiffness, -what happened baby?- he asked, starting to soothe him again by caressing his back -you know you can tell me anything-.  Shane buried his nose on the hem of his neck and took some minutes to make his head clear -I… had this dream, where we both were about to die, away from each other and nothing knowing that we are married, and no one allowing us to say a proper goodbye and…- Jamin reached for Shane’s chin and kissed him tenderly.

-We are ok, babe… we are more than ok, we are healthy, and together, and butt naked and… at least in my case, really horny- Shane giggled at that statement, he was getting horny too -we should offer a Christmas Eve Dinner and share the news with your people- said Jamin, before kissing Shane again, who was by then pumping his shaft with a hand and making him moan.

The remote that Jamin had been holding fell to the floor, and they got lost on each other, while in the night news they were broadcasting live from the drink and draw event that had been attacked by a group of extremists, the police still assessing the damages and the injured and dead people.