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rianafying · 3 months

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i feel like we don’t talk enough about what it feels like to love someone you know is not the one for you. like i fully know that you and i will never be compatible, or work, and i don’t even wish for us to work, because that would require at least one of us to change, and i know better than to wish for that. but in this moment, much more than i yearn for you, i love you. and i guess it’s like that with love. or with intense little crushes that feel like love. i wonder if the word crush was invented because it feels like being crushed underneath the weight of your desires. i wish i wished you desired me. but it’s so unlikely, i don’t want to waste my wishes on something so impossible. but i did. at 11:11 earlier today, i was walking home through the park and without thinking i wished for him. what a waste of a wish, and i take wishing very seriously. because i always wish for things more thoughtfully, and i never wish for other people. for example the last time i wished at 11:11, i wanted to wish for him but instead i wished for he strength to deal with however things turn out with him, best case scenario being he contacts me, worst case scenario being he blocks me. and this was a much better wish than the one i made today. actually it’s more than just a waste of a wish. it throws of the balance in my universe. i’ve been extremely spiritual and weird lately, and i take this stuff very seriously. signs and wishes. i just. i’m a little sad that’s all. most of the time i’m fine knowing that this is unrequited but once in a while, it just sucks, unprompted. it’s not like i learned something new, and that this new bit of information has changed my perspective. it’s the same old story, that is harder to swallow at night.

my costar says “Today you’re worried that you’re cutting yourself off from new experiences and retreating into yourself. But some bad company needs to be avoided. If other people don’t tend to your needs, can you step up for yourself?”

humans are more inclined to take risks after a car crash than after a series of psychological defeats. Slow down. Try not to reject every suggestion.

This month, you are ready to take time to regenerate, recover, and care for yourself. This is a commendable move for someone who either undervalues or overvalues what they have. Don't waste time.

The general theme of your life during this period is to learn to appreciate restrictions in your life for the structure they give you. There are many ways to let people back into your life. When you are matter-of-fact about who you are, the space between expectation and disappointment collapses. You will not fall apart right now. A few fragments might splinter off, but you'll remain whole. The deeper you seek, the more is your wonder excited. There is a space between action and reaction. In that expanse lies your power to choose a response.

Try stepping outside your comfort zone. Scaring away anyone who challenges you only reveals your possessiveness.

This month, you are ready to practice noticing signs of boredom and find ways to unplug that restore your strength. This is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. Know your worth.

This month, you are ready to take time to regenerate, recover, and care for yourself. This is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. Take time to improve your relationship to your self-esteem. Use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.

You’re in a group, but you feel alone. No one seems to understand you. Maybe it's time to plant yourself somewhere new. Either way, don’t force yourself to stay in a situation that isn't feeding you.

Today you feel torn between the pressure to fit in and your love of unconventional relationships. It's good to challenge social expectations if that's what you need. Just make sure you're not doing that thing where you detach from people, and then start to believe that you're so different from everyone else. Discomfort and fear can be a signal that you're on the right track.

Your work this month is to dismantle your superiority complex. This is a big step for you, who believes every boundary was made to be broken. Stay feral.

Notice how what you think you lack makes you vulnerable.

Your vision has been clear regarding your romantic or creative life. There will be a chance opportunity that affects the fields of your natural talents. Try not to be too stubborn. Keep your eyes open.

This opportunity will see its beginnings in significant relationships where they meet with the ways you find joy. Keep an eye on projects you share with your partner, an affair, or a casual relationship becoming more serious.

Whether it’s fate or chance, now is the time to take advantage of anything that seems too good to be true.

wow this last bit is so on the nose, holy shit. i was kind of waiting for a solid sign or a push to reach out to him, this isn’t necessarily that push, but i’m definitely adding it to the list of small signs. i know he’s too good for me, yet he wanted me, yet he showed me kindness. you know, i don’t necessarily believe costar’s predictions because i don’t believe in future telling as a whole but i’ll be really happy if they’re right. i don’t want to take that leap, i have no faith. it’s too big of a jump to make. i have to be able to gauge how unrealistic it is. as cute as being delulu seems on tiktok, it’s pretty bad irl. especially when reality comes crashing down inevitably. there’s so much think about. is time running out? or do i need to be more patient. it’s always so difficult when dealing with lack of information, trying to read someone else’s mind. i have to remember it’s not about him. it’s not. it’s about my wants and needs, which will become bearable or fulfilled. i don’t want to chase someone. a love i have to beg for is not mine to keep. attention i have to fight for is not meant for me. whatever is meant for me, will not be so elusive.

as firmly as i believe that in this moment, there are times when i have doubts about the whole system. is there even such a things as meant to be, because that would mean believing in fate. who feeds fate, who influences fate. does fate think? does fate change its mind? is it weirdly too close to believing in god? as if god has anything to do with anything that happens to us. is everything random? this thought always scares me a little. i’m not my best self when u believe everything is random. but believing in fate gives it more structure, more harmony. even though it doesn’t change what happens. fate could be chaotic, and randomness could be organised, there is no way to know. what do i want and why do i want it? a lot of my recent wishes have come true. i wished to keep what i have, and for things to not get worse. things are not only not worse, they’re actually so much better? so hard to stomach the news. what i want is, for things to keep improving, not just stay where they are. slow and steady. i also want to not have so much worry in my heart. so much misery and restlessness. specifically, i want my health to improve, i want to have a clean room so i can work on my fashion collection and also have my friends over or to increase the chances of bringing my crush home, for dinner and drinks. i will be honest, i am trying to lose weight, but i’m trying to do it in a healthy way, like not starving myself, but it is hard to maintain the balance since i’m so much more familiar with spiralling rapidly into an eating disorder. i have these moments when i feel so ugly, and others when i feel pretty and they happen in a dizzyingly quick succession, but i rarely feel normal about the way i look. for the longest time it didn’t matter because i didn’t care about looking good. (even though it negatively affected my self esteem because i let myself go a little too much) but all of a sudden i do care. i want to be pretty. i want to be desirable to someone specific. which is so lame. because it’s like changing myself to be someone’s type, but so far what i’m changing is my literal health and wellbeing, fixing which is an objectively good thing to do, regardless of my reasons and intentions.

^all of that i wrote at 1am last night and now it is 2pm the next day. i’m less heartbroken more stressed about life and everything. whether im eating too much. also about my medication. one of my best friends just asked me if i wanted to go out for dinner tonight, and it’s a cheap place, but it felt like it wasn’t cheap enough? plus it’s all you can eat and i won’t be able to take advantage of that today as i’ve been trying to eat less lately. i should go on a day when im really hungry and actually want to eat a lot. also im broke, as always, so it’s hard to justify eating outside. i really need to get a job. omg now my friend wants to make dinner for me, i don’t deserve such kindness. i love my friends. there is good in the world. my faith has been restored.

it’s later in the day and i’m feeling angry and skeptical. maybe because i’m on a call w my dad. he’s literally so evil. so is my mother. now i’m just angry and worked up. it’s hard to be nice to them, it’s so unnatural, and it’s exhausting to be fake so they keep paying my tuition fees. anyway, yeah im bummed out. about a lot of things. i’m sick and im tired and im heartbroken, and i dont feel so good. i’ve been feeling pretty gross being covered in mucus all day, and also applying my meds and cling wrapping my limbs. my room isn’t getting cleaner from just wishing it. i have to actually do the cleaning. why can’t i be worthy of love and romance? why does it always end with me, alone in my room, scared of intimacy, wishing for a better life. it’s like i’m never happy, never content. how can i be? my body and brain hurt. my heart hurts. i like just one guy, after so long. and idek what i should do about it. if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. plus he’s so out of my league. like what am i even expecting will happen, it’s like having a crush on angelina jolie or something. entirely unrealistic. there is nothing there for me. i’m just so pissed at my parents actually. that is where all this negative energy is coming from. i just need to drink a lot of tea and gather my head. i wish i was perfect and my life was perfect and maybe this way, maybe my crush would want me back? idek him. i just like his face and energy and voice and vibe so far. i don’t know nearly enough about him but everything i do know has just been so good, like, how can someone be so perfect. and how could i be so far away from perfection.

it’s gonna be fine i’m gonna be fine. i was on the phone with a friend. another friend brought me dinner to my house. a delicious bowl of tofu and mushroom curry with rice. there is order and meaning to this universe. today was an emotional rollercoaster, but i’m going to be okay. hope has reentered the chat.

#personal #journal entry #the prettiest man in the world

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