#the second sequel i really just want to be a complete surprise. i've been writing it alongside this one bc i'm excited about both

[luvcherry]

Let Me In [6] ✾

Natasha Romanoff x Reader. Word Count: 6.6k.

Part Five || Fin. ✾ Complete Chatroom Masterlist  

Summary: Y/n's last day is marked by a realization.

Content: slight angst, slight fluff, bittersweet feeling all around.

A/N: It has been a long, long time since I've posted and I'm sorry about that. This is the last chapter for let me and subsequently my last post on this blog. I had a lot of anxiety when writing up this chapter because I didn't want it to be disappointing. I never intended for Chatroom to become a series nor did I intend to do a sequel, but everyone's support on those fics and wanting to read more kept me going. A lot of the themes of this fic were drawn from my own life, and the ending makes sense for where I stand on old relationships. Happy new year everyone.

Natasha has been thinking about Y/n all night and all day.

She thinks about what happened during and after their outing together, how Y/n will be gone soon, and how she might be feeling. Natasha did not expect Y/n to occupy such a large part of her brain after what felt like a satisfying conclusion to their open-ended relationship. She had to ask her, and answer truthfully, did she really want things to end?

There is no alternative universe where the two end up back together, she believes. It wouldn't be the healthiest thing for either of them. Yet, she finds herself saddened that they may not have any type of relationship, period. Natasha will never be awarded the prize of greatest friend on Earth, but something nags at her to just be a friend for Y/n.

Against what might be her better judgment, she picks up her phone to call Y/n. Her finger hovers over her name before colliding with the screen. She is uncharacteristically nervous; a woman hasn't made her sweat like this in years. Each ring was agonizing as it continued for what felt like forever. What if Y/n blocked her number? What if last night was it for them?

When she closed the door on Y/n last night she felt content until the sun began to set. She wished she had walked Y/n back to the university to keep her company and to spend more time with her. What they did wasn't just a hook-up for Natasha, and she doubts it was for Y/n. There was something special about the way they touched each other -- something special about how Y/n was desperate to be touched. Every moment was euphoric, but in between her existential thoughts, Natasha could not stop thinking about the particular moment where Y/n grabbed her wrist and guided it between her legs to feel how wet she was. It made Natasha gasp even though she wasn't the one with a hand brushing against her clit.

"Hello?"

"Y/n it's me."

There was a few seconds of silence between the two of them. Y/n was wondering why she was calling and Natasha was starting to wonder the same thing.

"Hi, Nat. How are you?"

"I'm good...are you not at the university?"

"No. I went in this morning and walked into a surprise going away party and then they let me take the rest of the day off. It was nice."

"It seems like they liked you. You must have charmed them well."

"Ha! Doing their dirty work? Yes. Charming them? Hell no," Y/n jokes. "But I do think I made a good impression on them. They offered for me to company and with, quote, 'better accommodations'. I think they're trying to entice me to stay."

Y/n spoke to her with ease, taking Natasha by complete surprise. There was no shakiness in her voice or any awkwardness from her. Usually it was Natasha speaking with confidence and leading their conversation. However, this change is nice (even if it's mostly caused by Natasha thinking about how she heard that voice moaning her name about 24 hours ago).

"I'm sorry...I'm rambling," she says sheepishly as she comes back to reality.

"No, it's okay. I was just calling to see...to see if you wanted to do something today?"

Natasha didn't mean for her words to come out so shaky like she was a scared child, but it feels like a lot of pressure is on her. For one she feels like she owes it to Y/n, but she's afraid that Y/n will say no. She's well within her right to say no, but that doesn't mean it would make it easier for Natasha.

"Okay, sure. What did you have in mind?"

Natasha felt a mini panic set in. She was preparing to hear a disappointing 'no' come from the other side of the phone, but here Y/n was saying yes. She indeed wanted to spend her last day in the city with Natasha. She wracked her brain for things the three of them could do together. There is no way she would be able to take a five year old to one of her favorite restaurants. As long as she has been friends with Wanda and been around her kids, she doesn't really know where kids like to go to have fun. The park seems a little bit too boring for a last day treat. 

"How about the zoo?" She rushes out.

 Does Natasha like the zoo? No. She hates the smell and how it's always crowded. It's a gorgeous Saturday morning that it almost feels like Summer is here, so of course she doesn't want to be at the zoo. However, she's not immune to doing something she doesn't like for someone she does like. Plus she remembers how Kennedy has that stuffed giraffe; maybe she would enjoy seeing one in the flesh.

"The Zoo? Kennedy's never been," Y/n sounds like she's contemplating whether it's a good idea or not. By all means, if she wanted to say then Y/n would be more than welcome to. Natasha could just take them to the much calmer river-side of the city. "Hold on, let me ask her."

Y/n steps away from the phone leaving Natasha to simmer in the silence. Her mind fills with doom scenarios in those moments alone. What if Y/n has a change of heart and doesn't want to see her on her very last day? Natasha would be devastated. It hasn't sunk in that she may not see Y/n again for months, years, or even ever again. They haven't exchanged any form of social media yet. All she has is her phone number that Natasha will be too cowardly to call.

"She wants to go! What time do you want to meet up?"

The sense of relief that washes over her almost disgusts Natasha. She's excited to go to the zoo for the first time in her life.

"Great...want me to pick you up?"

"Isn't the zoo going west? You would just be going backwards so we can meet you there."

"Okay. So 11?"

"11 sounds like a plan."

---

Kennedy was ready to drag Y/n through the entrance of the zoo. Y/n had to keep reminding her that they had to wait for Natasha to arrive.

Y/n wondered what made Nat want to do this. She's been extremely kind on this trip, but going to the zoo doesn't seem like her thing. Compromise is maybe a component of the current Natasha. Y/n tries to play it cool when she spots Natasha walking her way. The last time she saw her was when she was between her legs...

"Did I keep you waiting?"

"You kept this one waiting," Y/n gestures to Kennedy, "but five year olds aren't known for patience."

Natasha feels like a stranger with them. Yesterday really threw her for a loop for some reason. She feels unlike herself and hopes Y/n doesn't notice.

"We should go inside now, shouldn't we? Before she throws a fit."

The zoo was just as expected: loud and crowded. It was full of families pushing strollers and fathers holding tiny kids on their shoulders. Kennedy grasps onto Y/n's hand so she doesn't get lost and in-turn Y/n holds onto Natasha's hand to keep her close. She doesn't want to think about it, but Natasha can't stop looking at their hands currently melded together.

"Where should we start?"

Y/n turns to Natasha for her guidance. This was her idea, so she must be familiar with this place, right? It was so much bigger than anywhere Kennedy has ever been before and Y/n doesn't want to overwhelm her. Natasha could see it all written all over Y/n's face; a hidden concern that resides within most parents.

"We could try to find the giraffes," she suggested. An idea that is popular with the child with them.

Y/n was really relying on Natasha, self-proclaimed zoo hater, to guide them through this thing. If there was one thing that was consistent about Y/n through all these years, it's that she finds crowds unnerving. It felt like an instinct to cling to Natasha, the older one who has always been bold no matter what. Their hands are still locked together. Natasha takes advantage of that and leads them onto the zoo's path without saying a word.

Away from the main entrance, the crowd gradually thinned out. Y/n feels like she can breathe again. Natasha herself feels a sense of relief at seeing Y/n relax. The sunlight cast on the trees above caused soft shadows to fall over them. The path of trees brought over a sense of tranquility. Natasha glances over at the two and can't help but think about how beautiful Y/n looks. It made her forget about how much she really dislike this place.

They ease into a leisure pace as they come upon the first few animals on their path. Kennedy was insistent on being the smartest among them and correctly naming every animal before either Y/n or Natasha could. She was a smart kid, naming over half of the animals correctly, but everyone she didn't know was an "annie lope." Y/n would giggle at her silly answer and walk her closer to the dens to read the info cards. She would tell her the correct name, what class of animal they are, and their home of origin. When she was crouched down next to Kennedy like that, it was like they were the only people to exist. Natasha can't help but feel her heart squeeze from two emotions; hope and grief

If her parents had ever done something like this with her when she was young, she certainly doesn't remember. She would remember the warm, unique embrace that can only come from someone who loves you that much. Watching it happen in front of her eyes almost makes her feel like she shouldn't be here with them. She and Y/n's live completely different lives, they always have. Lives that were never meant to fit.

Y/n turns her head and looks at Natasha before gesturing for her to come over with a tilt of her head. Natasha's feet move for themselves and she joins Y/n and Kennedy to become three. Every fiber of her being is telling her to run away; she doesn't "belong."

Kennedy is too young to notice the stiffness in Natasha's body. Instead she begins to list off the facts of the red kangaroos before them as if she had discovered the information herself. The innocent fascination reminded her of everything unobtainable in her life. But, the last thing she wanted to do was ruin the mood.

It soon came time for them to move forward as Kennedy reminded them of their true mission of finding the giraffes.

Y/n let Kennedy keep a tiny bit of distance between them. She wanted to give her that sense of space and freedom she never had, but she kept her eyes directly on her. The distance did allow for Y/n and Natasha to have a moment for themselves. Y/n was too nervous to take it, but Natasha seemed eager to.

"Did you enjoy your trip?"

Y/n takes her eyes off of Kennedy for a split second to look over at Natasha.

"I did," her answer was short and to the point. The awkward dinner and tension aside, this trip wasn't so bad.

When her eyes land back on Kennedy, she finds the comfort to be more vulnerable with Natasha.

"I don't know if I'll come back though."

"Why?" Natasha asks rather quickly. She would hate to be the reason Y/n doesn't want to step foot in this city ever again. Yet, at the same time, she wouldn't blame her. "You didn't enjoy the university?"

"No, that's not it," Y/n sighs. She'll be damned if she talks about her personal life within earshot of Kennedy, so she keeps the topic on her career. "I just have a lot of conflicting feelings after these two weeks.

"Like what?"

"My current career if I'm being honest."

Despite nearly a decade apart, Natasah still understands her. She can hear in Y/n's voice that she's not truly happy, and that she’s confused. Y/n tries to let experience give her the insight she needs but always seems to come out even more confused. She's never truly asking herself the right questions.

"I don't know if I want to do this anymore, and that's so scary. The amount of time and money put into getting me here would all be wasted...it makes me feel shameful even thinking like that."

"Did you think you would love this forever?"

Her question sounds more brutal than she intended it to, but Natasha is curious. And that sincerity in wanting to understand her beyond the surface almost made Y/n give her an answer. She can't bring herself to do it though.

"I can't give you the answer that will solve everything, but one thing my boss told me-"

"The world famous Mr. Stark" Y/n jokingly mocks.

"Yea -- that one," she jokes with her before continuing. "When I was hired by Stark Industries, two other people were hired in with me. One was alright, she works in another department these days, but the other was brilliant. His resume was stacked and he was fresh out of the Ivys. To make a long story short, he didn't even last a year. It's not an easy job, but if you never wanted to be there from the start then the burnout will eat you alive -- and quickly. Tony told us that this job doesn't have to be our life's passion, but we simply have to want to be there. He would say something like 'even the brightest minds dim under an unwilling heart'," Natasha recounts.

It wasn't anything groundbreaking, but it made a lot of sense to Y/n. No one has ever reminded her about that reality. College was an escape from her parents and she picked the first thing that sounded interesting to major in. She wasn't particularly passionate about anything besides finding freedom. Now that life has caught up with her, it's settling in that she has never been living for herself even when she was out of her parent's reach.

"But there was also a time where I absolutely hated my job. It's normal! It's normal, Y/n."

It felt easy to talk to Natasha, something Y/n didn' think she would ever feel again. She remembers those years ago when she would confide into her about her life growing up. That was a time where she felt complete trust in her. That trust was broken years ago, yet she's not hung up on being vulnerable with her. It even felt right doing so.

"I guess you're right. I just worry because this job is really all I have. I could teach, but I don't really see myself teaching," she admits.

Maybe Natasha wasn't the right person to receive career advice from (or at least that's how Natasha felt) because her career is all she has too. Hearing Y/n worry about that while it's a comfort for her that reminds how they're always opposite.

"We're close!" Kennedy's voice interrupts their fading conversation. She points at the sign indicating their close arrival to the giraffe den. Y/n moves her attention back to Kennedy. All NAtasha feels like she can is watch. She watches as Y/n takes the young girl's hand and how she uses all of her might to pull Y/n faster towards the giraffes. "Faster!" She cries out as if the giraffes will disappear any second now. Y/n laughs before telling her there's no rush. It was surreal to see Y/n parent her.

The trip climaxes for little Kennedy when she catches a glimpse of her first real-life giraffe. She can see its head, but nothing else. Groups of people stand along the rail making it impossible for her to get closer. She looks up at Y/n with a desperate look in her eyes. She reaches up at Y/n and jumps up and down. She whines without a single tear falling from her eyes. The usually composed child acting as if she's a toddler again.

"I got her," Nataasha says without a second thought.

If Y/n was shocked then Natasha was absolutely dumbstruck by her own action. She checks back into reality when she has Kennedy in her arms. She was smaller than Natasha realized. She handled her like precious cargo as she lifted her high. "I'm going to sit you on my shoulders, okay?" Kennedy nods even though Natasha can't see her. She has never done this before so she was scared, so she held on tightly. Y/n stood nearby in case she got too scared. Her short legs dangle over Natasha's shoulders as she grabs onto her head. She was fucking up her hair, but Natasha didn't care.

"Can you see them?" She asks, hoping her efforts weren't in vain.

"I can! I can see a baby!"

Y/n couldn't concentrate on the animals in front of her. Her eyes were glued to the figures of Kennedy and Natasha. She was still shocked by her ex-girlfriend's actions. She was frozen in place. No matter how nervous she knows Natasha is, she looks like a natural at this. Kennedy hasn't been personally around that many adults in her life, let alone someone from Y/n's personal life. Y/n was watching her two worlds collide in front of her; the old and the new. It stings herself of years past that this unspoken moment with Natasha is what makes her feel the normalness she has seeked her entire life. Life has the most bitter ways of teaching it lessons.

---------

It was nearing 4 o'clock when they reached the end of the exhibit. Kennedy, of course, wanted some sort of souvenir to take home. There were gift shops filled with all kinds of things to buy, but she went straight to the stuffed animals. Another giraffe seemed like overkill to Y/n who tried to talk her into getting another stuffed animal which was a failure. Kennedy was unsurprisingly insistent on getting a "brother" for her beloved giraffe. Y/n lost the little battle once Natasha chimed in and sided with Kennedy, reminding them both that "everyone needs family."

No one in the city was happier than Kennedy that day. Her excitement wore her out, and it showed in the way she dragged her feet. Y/n took her into her arms for the lengthy walk back to the car. She ended up being lulled to sleep. Natasha walked them back to their car. She wanted to say something, but didn't want to wake a 5-year-old.

"This is us," Y/n announces softly before coming to a stop. "Can you hold this real quick?" Y/n gestures to her tote bag.

"I told you you should've let me carry it on our way back," she pokes before swiftly taking it off her shoulder.

Y/n puts Kennedy in her car seat, moving gently not to rouse her awake. She has alone this what feels like a million times over yet she's always anxious about it. Yet, she skillfully places her in her car seat and buckles her in without an issue. Natasha has been in awe all day by the sweetness with which Y/n cares for Kennedy. She was once a super shy, naive 19-year-old.

"Thank you," she grabs the tote from her, "for holding that and for today."

"It was nothing...just wanted to make sure your last day was fun."

"Well it was something. Kennedy surely enjoyed it, but she wore me out. We don't go out much back at home, so this was surely a treat for her."

"But did you enjoy it too?"

Natasah was growing beyond the point of caring if she sounded desperate. Today had been sentimental for her. She wanted today to have been just as good for Y/n as it was for her.

"Yea...yea it was. I realized I don't really like the zoo, but I do love seeing Kennedy have fun. So it was worth it for her."

Natasha felt a sense of relief at Y/n's admission. She hated that place too. However she agrees with Y/n, it was worth it to see Kennedy happy.

"She really enjoyed being with you," she continues. "I was shocked -- not because it's you or anything -- Kennedy isn't used to being around new people. She can get really shy, but she was comfortable with you."

"I'm happy to have the Kennedy stamp of approval."

Y/n holds an appreciative smile on her face, but she feels stuck. She doesn't want this day to end. She doesn't want to get on that flight tomorrow and head back to her quiet life. It would be painful to admit that out loud. She's enjoyed many moments with Natasha on this trip just as much as she didn't want to be around her. Her name and face are a reminder of such a good and dark time of her life. For the first time since early this morning, she imagines her between her thighs again. She felt a bliss that almost seemed to be never ending, but she'll be gone tomorrow.

"We should probably get going," she blurts out, which she instantly regrets. She's desperate to just stay in her presence for a moment longer, but her heart is beating too fast.

She regrets what she said when she sees her face fall. Natasha didn't want their day to end at what feels too early, but both are too cowardly to admit.

"Right...right. You probably have a lot to do."

She doesn't.

It feels impossible to look Natasha in the eyes. Y/n knows she'll go weak in the knees if she looks at her again. She's too oblivious to notice how close they're getting. She doesn't look up until Natasha makes her. Her thumb begins to stroke her skin.

"I hate how you're always so shy around me. I'm not scary."

Her words burn in her brain as Y/n leans in to kiss her. Her entire body feels like it's on fire as she just stands there while they kiss. She reckons she's already kissing her back, but she isn't aware of her temporary paralysis until her lips move with Natasha's. How a kiss in public feels more scandalous than Natasha's mouth on Y/n's body is beyond her.

---------------------

Natasha was at the age where she didn't quite know how to comfort Yelena.

When her younger sister was just a baby she would stand over her crib and try to quiet her cries by shushing her. It didn't help at all, and Natasha felt like she was doomed with the inability to care for her little sister.

"What happened, Yelena?"

Her little sister looks up at her with big eyes; eyes too beautiful to be red and filled with tears.

"I-I got hurt."

Yelena wasn't supposed to be outside. Natasha was with her friends from the neighborhood when she heard Yelena's familiar cry. Yelena was too young to be outside by herself, but old enough to be able to escape the house. Nat freaked when she saw her sitting on the steps to their house and subsequently the scrape on her knee; gushing and bright red. Yes, Yelena wasn't supposed to be outside, but Natasha knows she's responsible for her sister whenever her parents aren't around. It didn't matter that she had snuck outside to find her older sister to play with it. What matters is that Yelena is hurt.

"Stay here, okay?"

Yelena is afraid to be alone again, but she nods her head, trusting Natasha wholly. Natasha feels shitty for letting this happen even if it wasn't her fault. She could've stayed in with her and seen her friends another day. Though the idea of 'another day' was scarce, it didn't matter.

She hurries to find the antiseptic and band aids in the medicine closet. She didn't want to leave Yelena alone for too long in a paranoid fear that she would somehow get hurt again.

The tears had stopped by the time Nat came back, but she still feels bad seeing Yelena's red face. She kneels in front of her and begins to tend to her wound.

"Be still, okay?"

Natasha felt like her words were warning enough to brace Yelena for the sting. However once the alcohol meets the wound, she begins wincing in pain.

"I said be still!"

"But it hurts!"

Natasha sighs in frustration, but she tries not to show it. Yelena is too young to withstand pain like she is able to. She's annoyed that Yelena won't stop wincing as she tries to clean her up. Annoyed that this only happened because of Yelena's persistence to be around her big sister. The love and admiration that fills in her little sister's eyes annoy Natasha. She wishes she could do more to take away Yelena's pain, both physically and more. She feels useless even as she places the band-aid over her skin to begin the healing process on her wound.

"All better?" Yelena asks with a shaky voice.

"All better, kid. Now go back in the house before mom and dad find you out here."

Despite being sent inside, there was a big smile on Yelena's face. That's all she wanted. Natasha found that she couldn't stay out for too much longer. Not because it was getting late, but because Yelena needed someone, and she was that only someone.

------------

"If you did it the first time, you can do it one more time, okay? There is nothing to be afraid of. I promise!"

Y/n was confused as to why Kennedy decided at 6am that morning that she's afraid of airplanes.

She remembers how excited she was at the airport in Arizona to get on a plane for the first time. It was Y/n who was on the verge of a breakdown when it came time to board their plane. The switch over two weeks is what's confusing her, but she finds that it's futile to try to question the mind of a 5 year-old.

"Don't you miss Ms. Bridgette and all of your friends at school?"

"Y-Yes...I'm just scared," she says with a pout.

Y/n feels like her worries about pulling Kennedy out of her usual environment too early may have messed her up. She had gotten used to this hotel room and now she has to leave.

"It's okay to be nervous and scared, Kennedy," Y/n grabs onto her hands knowing that it brings her comfort. "I get scared too, but I think about everything that makes me happy to feel better."

If Y/n were to name everything that makes her happy, the list would not be that long. Leaving her and Kennedy's home for the first time in a very long time made her realize how quiet and mundane her life is. She takes Kennedy to kindergarten, goes to work, picks Kennedy up, and they come home. Here it feels like they have unlimited options for everything: food, fun, and opportunities. Maybe the reason for Kennedy's fit was her reaction to the vacation ending. She can't really blame her for that, she found herself feeling sad about it too.

Natasha would be here in about 30 minutes. She wants Kennedy to settle before she comes to get them. Y/n was more nervous about seeing her again than for the flight home. She feels some sort of regret for agreeing to let her take them to the airport. She wanted to use the excuse that she couldn’t drive her rental, but she simply agreed to let her do it. "It's the least I could do" she kept telling her, and that seemed to be the sentiment she has held her entire stay.

She grew anxious as the time ticked away for the two to check out of the hotel and for Natasha to pick them up. She was going to drive herself crazy by continuously checking her phone for the time or to see if she had reached out to her. Y/n’s anxiety was more palpable than she would have liked to admit. Kennedy could sense it and clung to Y/n as she checked every single corner of their hotel to make sure they had packed everything.

How would their final goodbye go?

If anything, Y/n was more scared of some big epiphany hitting her seconds before boarding the plane. A deep part of her accepted this trip to receive some closure, but what closure was becoming blurry. Would she maintain some sort of contact or even friendship with Natasha? She likes the person she has become, she thinks. She seems like she’s trying her best to not be the pompous bastard she was in her 20s. It seems like she’s trying to be more considerate but it’s funny to Y/n because it’s a little too late. All she wanted for years was an apology, and indirectly her acceptance. Yet she can’t shake the feeling that accepting ‘the least she could do’ means she’ll always be dependent on her.

Y/n’s phone starts going off which breaks the daze she was in. It was Natasha calling her.

“I’ll be down in a minute. We’re gonna check out.”

She hangs up the phone without letting her get a word in. She doesn’t mean to be so rude, but her own anxiety and Kennedy’s fit this morning has her on edge.

“You ready?”

The child was hesitant but nodded her head and grabbed onto Y/n’s hand.

It feels as if the whole hotel is checking out today as Y/n navigates her way through the lobby with Kennedy. Natasha was there waiting for them, something Y/n didn’t ask her to do, but something she felt was necessary.

“Do you need me to grab anything?”

“Yeah, can you grab my suitcase?”

She was there every step of the way to help them. Y/n didn’t calm down until her back hit the passenger seat of the rental. She stared out the window, looking at the skyscrapers in a similar fashion to Kennedy when they first arrived in the city. Every building and all the people in them make her feel so small, but in a way that comforts her.

“I hope you enjoyed your trip,” Natasha interjects into the silence. She notices how quiet Y/n is and it’s sort of bothering her. She knows she is likely the reason for the prolonged silence, but she knows things don’t have to be this way.

“I think I did. At least I hope I did too. I feel like it’s made me more confused than ever before,” she admits. Y/n is hesitant to delve into the details with Kennedy in the backseat. However when she looks back to check on her she sees that she’s dozing off. It’s going to take some time to get to the airport with the traffic, so it’s no surprise that she’s out before they even arrive. Seeing her sleeping, relaxed face feels like a weight lifted off of Y/n’s shoulder. They were getting on that plane regardless, but she wanted to do it without a major public breakdown.

“Do you think you might come back?”

Y/n turns forward again, her eyes lingering over the side of Natasha’s face in the process. She could never, ever read her. It’s the pangs of the past that make a part of her wonder if she’s being sincere or if he’s just waiting for her moment to make a power play. However, it seems like she’s the only one who understands what she has to say.

“I don’t know. It’s definitely an exciting feeling being here, but I assume it gets boring if you visit a lot or live here. I liked the university, but I’m not sure if I would fit in.”

“You don’t think you fit in anywhere though, Y/n.”

She doesn’t intend to come off as harsh, and luckily for her Y/n doesn’t take it that way.

“I know, that’s the problem. It feels like something is wrong with me even though I’m able to function in “normal” society with everyone else. Still, that’s not enough to make me feel stable or like I know myself.”

“If I can be frank with you, you’ve got to stop worrying about old shit. It’s written all over your face. I know it’s easier said than done, but I say this to try to get through to you. What keeps you up at night is not going to matter when you wake up in the morning. Not your parents, not whatever happened in college, and not me. You’re too young and too pretty to be worrying about all of that.”

Y/n feels her face growing hot from Natasha’s words. The mentions of her college years and indirectly their relationship. And the fact that she called her pretty. Since she took responsibility for Kennedy she finds that she thinks less and less about herself and her appearance. It’s a nice break from those insecurity, but much of what Natasha says rings true. She has too much time ahead of her to worry about a failed college relationship. When she thinks about the people she knew in college, she remembers fondly how they had a handful of their own failed relationships. Y/n is not alone in her lack of successful relationships no matter how isolating it feels. Natasha herself doesn’t have anyone romantic in her life and that’s probably due to her own hang-ups. Y/n, never being the one to pry, wonders what goes on in that head of hers.

“I guess I should get over it, and you, shouldn’t I?” Y/n doesn’t believe the words that’s coming out of her own mouth, but it feels like a victory. She always fantasized about giving Natasha a piece of her mind for breaking her heart like that.

Natasha swallows hard, not knowing what to say next. She wants Y/n to get over whatever is holding her back, but she doesn’t want to say it in a way that will make the situation go left. She’s surprised that they’ve even gotten this far in this particular topic without someone getting riled up.

“If there is still any part of you that likes me as Natasha your friend, can you promise me that you’ll get out of your own head?”

“If you do the same, then yes.”

There is unspeakable code between two people who share similar traumas. There is an understanding that you can either come out feeling like you appear unscathed or you feel like you’re completely marred and everyone sees it. There is struggle every step of the way. Y/n and Natasha's restricting and uncertain upbringings turned them into anxiety-ridden adults always worried about what's going to happen next; they just show it in two different ways. Natasha is not as tightly wound as Y/n is. Her anxiety is concealed by her workaholic nature; busying herself as a distraction. Natasha took advantage of that, she knows it, and she will be sorry for it for what feels like forever.

They have these conversations where they, admittedly mostly Y/n, skirt around the direct topic of their relationship, name the difference in age and maturity. She’s always felt so young and naive that it felt natural assuming that role in the relationship. She’s gonna be 30 in a few years and she doesn’t want her life to be marked by this naivety. She’s not a little girl being held hostage by her overzealous parents. She’s free to do what she wants.

“We could both treat ourselves a little better, couldn’t we? You’re trying to work your problems away and I don’t leave the house to avoid them.”

“We’re both dysfunctional.”

“We’re both dysfunctional.”

There’s a quiet lull the rest of the way to the airport. Y/n may have not gotten every little thing off of her chest, but she knows Natasha can read between the lines of their own secret language.

Y/n feels like she’s in a movie where one little trip, two weeks out of her comfort zone, has changed her. She knows it’s a change and she’s hoping it’s for the better. Natasha will always be the first person who broke her heart, but she will also be the person who made her feel as comfortable as possible here. Kennedy seemed to like her too.

Airports are consistently busy. There were just as many people dropping off cars and piling onto the shuttles to head back to the airport. Natasha was able to squeeze her way onto one with them much to Y/n’s objection.

“How are you going to get back to your car?” She had parked in the parking lot of the bank next to her hotel. There were so many steps for her to take simply just to do this that it felt like a big inconvenience for her.

“If you saw my uber history to and from the airport, you might pass out.”

Natasha’s insistence to be there every step of the way was still slightly baffling for Y/n, but she appreciates it. For a moment it feels as if they’re operating as a unit: Natasha, Y/n, and Kennedy. It felt that way yesterday at the zoo too, but she didn’t want to think about it then.

They make it to the airport and quickly to the departures’ terminal. This is where it ends for the two of them.

“Well, this is us.”

“This is you.”

Natasha is tempted to walk them inside to the point where she can't go any further with them, but she doesn’t make that suggestion.

“I’m going to miss you, okay?” She admits.

It’s a little shocking to Y/n that he’s showing this kind of emotion when she feels like they hadn’t done that much together over the course of her trip. But about 80 percent of their time together was enjoyable. Y/n enjoyed the second dinner, the trip to the couch, and yesterday’s day at the zoo. It was lovely to do something with someone she felt understood even if she wanted to hate her. She can’t hate her, especially not when she looks at her face. Her features had softened over their years and there are obvious signs of aging that Y/n finds attractive. A part of her wishes this fresh start between them could continue and Natasha could come with her, but life doesn’t work that way and she can accept that this time around.

“I’ll…I’ll miss you too Nat. Maybe I will come back to visit, who knows. Maybe Kennedy will drag me back to that little weird café. Who knows.”

Natasha would be damned if she let their goodbye be any more awkward than their first meeting in years. She grabbed Y/n and wrapped her arms around her. Y/n was stiff in her arms until she felt her relax. Y/n inhaled her scent, something she had never forgotten even years later.

The two of them feel a little arm wrap around the legs and look down to see Kennedy hugging them both. She hates to be left out and joined in on a moment she doesn’t quite understand. To those around them they probably look like something they are not; a family. How other people perceive them, and her, doesn’t seem to matter that much to Y/n anymore. She’s happy. Happier she’s been in a long time. She feels soft lips press against her cheek before one last tight squeeze. Neither want to let go, but it’s important that they do.

“Will I see you again, Y/n?”

The desperation in her voice was hard to ignore. Y/n sort of liked that.

“Maybe, Nat.”

[lalogawrites]

Since I'm very new to tumblr, I've mostly been lurking, trying to figure out a) the community culture so I don't make an ass of myself, and b) what exactly I want to use this app for.

While I figure that out, here's a little about me if you're curious: Like it says in the little tagline up there, I'm a writer. Though I'm new to this platform, I'm not new to writing; been at it for decades. I started writing original stuff and fanfiction, though for many many years, fanfiction was my refuge, my safe haven. I met and made lifelong friends through writing it, and had a ton of fun in the process.

But, as is human nature, I had a dream of more. I wanted to be a Professional Author, so I stopped fanfic and turned all my attention to the original stuff. And I succeeded - to an extent. I published six novels and dedicated several years to being a full time indie author. But despite my plucky, can-do attitude, the actual money making part of this venture went...badly. 😆 I'm proud of what I accomplished, because I gave everything I had, but as it turns out, (to no one's surprise), the stuff I want to write isn't the stuff that makes money.

The books are good. This isn't the books' fault. Macro-level, I blame capitalism, but the reality is that I'm not cut out for the indie author life. Everything I created needed a plan to be monetized. Every ounce of energy went to "honing my craft" and figuring out marketing "strategies." It was soul crushing, almost as much as the shitty retail/officer worker jobs I left to fulfill this "dream." Writing became work, and I started to resent every word.

The end result? I *almost* killed my life long love of writing and storytelling. Thankfully, I pulled my head out of my own ass and realized I didn't want whatever this was. So I pulled the plug on the business, let my mailing list know I was taking a hiatus, and completely stepped back from everything. Even writing.

I spent most of 2023 trying to refill the creative well. Fanfic helped. A lot. I started a Mandalorian fic that I may or may not continue, (depends on where the show goes lol), but it was the Ninja Turtles who really rescued me.

The first fic I ever posted was TMNT. And in November of 2023, when I sat down to do NaNoWriMo and finally write book 2 of my second original series, I instead started the sequel to that first TMNT fic. Then I went back and started "revising" the first one, because if I ever posted the sequel, it just made sense. 😆 (Even though I swore I would never touch that story again!)

I'm currently working on both of them now, and it's fair to say my love of writing has been rekindled. I'm still debating on what (if anything) I'll do with either fic, but I'm leaning toward maybe one day sharing some of my work publicly again. (That's another blog post/journal entry entirely haha.)

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. Stay awesome. 💜

[sareinadale]

please tell us more about this helsa series you are writing 👀💕

nonnieeee!! but it wouldn't be a surprise now, don't you think so?

okay honestly, i wasn't planning on working on a long helsa series, though i did have a similar plan with the 'marriage of convenience' trope as the core of the series.

what started out was really just a series of twitter banters with my friend that expanded into fully fleshed plots, with some spanning over a month or three depending on how far the plot develops.

truthfully, i've been yearning to find a writing partner who could match my writing style and be excited to write SO MUCH about a ship. while helsa initially wasn't my OTP ( yes, i started out as jelsa ), somewhere in 2022, i turned into an ardent helsa shipper thanks to my other friend.

ANYWAY, back to the series ( me and my big mouth can't hold it back anymore ):

the entire premise of the story takes place after the events of Frozen 1, but not until Frozen 2. her magic is still there, just not at the forefront as it did in the first movie. and oh, yeah, it's in the mid-1800s! there's also inspiration drawn from ( majorly ) the frozen musical, a frozen heart and a little bit of dangerous secrets.

others may have written something similar like mine, but this is really an extensive series of ‘what-ifs’ that mainly focuses on the aftermath of her coronation, her struggles of trying to be a good queen for arendelle and all the times she shouldn’t hang out with hans, who showed up on arendelle after serving his prison sentence for two years ( roughly ) – which led to her falling for his pretense like anna.

of course, there's a few original characters that we made for this series! besides that, i personally have a pinterest board dedicated to hans and elsa, alongside a spotify playlist that follows their entire journey :D

there’s also an element of hans’s morally grey side, which, as santino fontana said, hans isn't what he seems to be ( meaning he has personal motivations like any other people ) and my lovely friend who writes as hans has the most detailed lore on him and everything, and i honestly couldn't be luckier and so SO grateful to know them and write together ❤️

obviously, when we started plotting, we realized that their story's going to be LONG, and we've decided to break it down into three major acts. the second act is arguably going to be the longest and where we are currently.

so, the theme of the story is the title of the series itself: 'in hindsight'.

in hindsight is basically a sequel to a prequel titled 'shattering ice'. in this one, the story explicitly deals with her first visit to the isles and meeting the star-studded cast of the westergaards whom, again, my friend here has built – completely tragic, awful, and all things negative that shows who they are as a family.

also the prequel will serve as the starting point of their relationship because we don't want to jump on that chemistry building with haste.

right now, we're mostly focusing on in hindsight and pretty much pausing shattering ice. also, because the former became a full blown series, i had to upgrade my g-drive storage hahaha so all of their past plots and current ones are safely stored in there.

all in all, this series is arguably the most special endeavor i've ever done. it's got a TON of emotional realism in there, soft moments in the form of jane austen-esque longing touches kinda way, gut-wrenching angst and a bittersweet ending ( i'm not ready for the last part, but we've planned on how the series will end ).

even in spite of our busy schedules, we found time to keep writing out the replies, info-dumping personal headcanons of our characters and hyping each other whenever the ship had their fluff / angst moment. i seriously could not thank my friend enough, and i really appreciate her for all the helsa brainrots ❤️

and finally, the reason i've not put it up on AO3 is because i didn't want that invisible pressure of needing to update it. i mean, yes, it's still ongoing, but imagine if i just upload the complete series and voila? basically giving a delight to potential readers that the series is done hahaha.

i don't foresee we'll finish it by end of this year, even though we started out since june last year. but who knows, it could end well until the following year?

okay nonnie, there you go 🤓

[daystarsearcher]

Thanks for the tag @envexenveritas. Saved it for the weekend when I had a bit more time and brainspace:

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

88

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

481,422 (Damn, if I wrote this much on my original fic, I could have a second novel done by now)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently, Doctor Who/Big Finish and Holby. In the past I've written for Star Trek: the Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space, and I went through an intense Law and Order: Criminal Intent period in college.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The World Has No Place In Our Bed: Doctor Who, Kate/Osgood. You all love a fake marriage fic!

So Then This Happened: Doctor Who, Kate/Osgood PWP. There are things I'd change about the writing in this, but I guess you all like it!

Empty Spaces: Star Trek: the Next Generation, I looked at the whole Lal situation and decided to make it worse. People love being sad about Data, and who am I not to oblige?

Ghosts in the Machine: Doctor Who, TARDIS POV. One of my earliest fics and I still love writing her POV.

I Know My Sister Like I Know My Own Mind: Doctor Who, Kate/Osgood with Bonnie as the wingman. This was a fun one to write that I still have a soft spot for but kind of surprised to see it crack the top 5!

I do think it's very interesting how this differs when compared to comments. There's definitely a bias toward fluff for kudos (even the sad Data story ends on a hopeful note), while I get more comments on angst. (And I tend to get the BEST and most detailed comments on my absolutely unhinged stuff.)

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes! But I try to give it at least a week before I respond. If I respond to one right away, then I'll feel guilty for not responding to others right away, and then it starts to feel like a responsibility rather than a fun interchange of ideas and gratitude, and I don't want it to feel like that! Anyway, that's more info than you needed about my OCD but that is why I take awhile to respond. I do adore comments and often reread them when I am feeling down.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmmm, I have been trending towards endings with a tinge of hope, so even though Two Birds in A Cage may be my darkest fic overall, I don't think it wins this. In my Osgood Must Suffer verse, Nor Yet Favor to Women of Skill ends in a really dark place with Osgood totally brainwashed, yet the sequel It's True the Girl They Speak of Died sees her reaching for recovery. Similarly, in the Modern U.N.I.T Infernoverse, The Pieces That Get Sacrificed ends on a dark note, but Chess sees the promise of working towards a better self.

I think we have to reach back to some of my earlier, more edgelordy work, like Snuggle for LO:CI, which is just an autopsy of the two main characters, or Goodbye to Ugly Words and Yesterday and Everyone You Knew and Were, which sees Odo losing every bit of his hard-fought individuality and identity. Oh, or Vermin in the Lower Zoo, my AU of an evil First Doctor, that's a pretty dark ending.

Oh, wait, no Plaything, my AU of Pyramids of Sutekh where I slowly strip away everything the Fourth Doctor loves. Oh wait, no, final answer: Careful the Wish You Make: Wishes Are Children, in which I do the same thing to Sarah Jane, but worse.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm, what makes an ending happier, the overall level of happiness or the contrast to the sadness or pain earlier in the story? I think this question is going for the former, so I'll say either Come to Me Softly, Come to Me Sweetly or The Completely True and Canon Story of Oswin Oswald Seduced Jo Grant, or Jo Seduced Her, or Something.

(Or if you want *waggles eyebrows* happy endings, maybe Respectful Discourse on Power Dynamics in the Workplace?)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really! I feel like I've maybe got one or two mean comments on a fic on FF.Net over the years, but nothing memorable. Edit: oh, I remember! One person got sooooo mad at my characterization of Goren and Eames in Give and Take. Sorry, buddy, people are going to have different opinions about characters than you and write porn about it!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Fuck yes I write smut. It's one of the great joys of my life. I write predominantly F/F these days, though I've written quite a bit of of F/M, and a sprinkling of threesomes. I've made liberal use of the BDSM tag, and I like things that play with power dynamics and trust.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

A few! One of my first fics was a cracky crossover, The Good Ship [Name of Ship]. I also did a LO:CI/X-Files crossover so Eames and Scully could have sex. It's not my favorite genre, but I'll do it for humor and/or smut.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware of, but it would be a great honor!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not really, but The Good Ship [Name of Ship] was written with the input of my best friend from high school, and she (with her fanfic author name) and some of her favorite characters do star in it. This is an important developmental stage for teen fic authors and I refuse to be embarrassed about it.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Impossible to choose. But have this handy summation:

Picard/Crusher, Odo/Kira, The Doctor/Sarah Jane, Bernie Wolfe/Serena Campbell: these ships changed me as a person and filled my heart to overflowing with yearning, making me believe in love across time and space and alternate universes

Kate Stewart/Osgood: I want the older authoritative one to top the shy nerdy one. A lot.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I am fully committed to eventually finishing every WIP. That said, it has been over a decade since I updated Loyalty's Price and that one has some intense worldbuilding that I would have to recall or rebuild from scratch, so uh, don't hold your breath for any updates soon.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I feel good about my ability to replicate character voice and to situate emotions in the body as physical sensations.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

My god, the amount of times characters speak hesitantly, as if their words are testing a fragile sheet of ice, or touch each other carefully, as if the other is wet paper that might tear, or a dozen other metaphors that my brain has just decided to go to constantly. You absolutely see this with published authors all the time so I don't feel bad about it, though, just amused at my dramatic-ass self.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Not something that's come up a lot for me, but I would treat it the same as using another language in original work--seek out a real human to proofread, offer something in exchange for their time.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

My first fic was a Star Trek: Nemesis fix-it fic written in a spiral notebook in high school.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

This changes all the time depending on what mood I'm in, but right now I quite like Chess.

Tagging @ktlsyrtis and @bonnissance if you're up for it!

[letsrilakkusu-blog]

An ode to Given

A few days ago the internet collectively freaked out - myself included - when it was announced that the next chapter of Given would be the final chapter, ending its 10-year run. I'm honestly still in shock and while I'm trying to stay optimistic that maybe the big announcement that's coming with the final chapter will involve some kind of sequel, a second season of the anime seems more likely. It's difficult coming to terms with the fact that I may have to say goodbye to a series that I love so much, and with an ending that I most likely will not find satisfying. Regardless, Given has taken up a huge space in my heart for the past two years and I just wanted to write about how I found it, my experience with it, and what it means to me.

I've enjoyed manga and anime ever since I was in middle school, but toward the end of college I got too busy to keep up. Fast forward to years later in 2020, I was stuck at home during the pandemic and decided to dive back in. After rewatching a BL anime that I really liked in high school, Given came up as a suggested series. A quick Google search told me that it was a great romance story between boys in a band, cool.

The first episode starts with Mafuyu's melancholy monologue about the dream he keeps on having and I see right off the bat that I've signed up for a bit more than a cute love story with music. Then the opening song Kizuato hits and I'm totally captivated. It's probably one of my favorite opening sequences and truly captures the feel of the series with its hard-hitting instrumentals, Cenmilli's emotional vocals, and the moody art.

The series pace is on the slower side but there was enough drama and intrigue to keep pulling me in, and it's full of comedic gold. And then... episode 9, A Winter Story. It shook me to my core, everything about it was absolutely amazing. Ue's talk with Mafuyu before the show where he admits that even he doesn't know what he is doing or how to express himself, all he knows is that he loves Mafuyu's sound. The song itself, interspersed with flashbacks of Mafuyu and Yuki's relationship and Mafuyu's monologue (his "I'm lonely" is truly devastating, major props to Yano Shogo). THE KISS. A genuine surprise, so quick and so gentle from inexperienced Ue. I had to watch the episode twice because it left me in complete awe and I needed to experience it again. Then episodes 10-11 were the perfect wind-down with a lot of cute and legendary moments, aka Ue experiencing increasing levels of gay panic. The series became an instant favorite and I rewatched it immediately. I can't find the words to properly express what it did to me but it just made me feel so many things, things I don't think I've felt for a long time. I couldn't shake it.

After that, I was still hungry for more Given so I read the manga, which is a totally different and wonderful experience. The art is beautiful, and the way Kizu-sensei portrays emotions through the characters' facial expressions is unparalleled. Soon after that, the movie came to Crunchyroll, and I've been keeping up with the series in every form since. I read the chapters as they come out bi-monthly. I watched the drama adaptation (not great but not the worst I've seen). I watched the OVA many times (my favorite, all the precious RitsuMafu moments I was missing from the movie). I splurged on a second-hand DVD set of the stage play (really well done). I even watched the anime dub (tolerable), and I hate dubs. Rereading and rewatching the series are routine. Safe to say, it's consumed me for two years and the flame has not died down one bit.

Lots of fans joke about referring to Given as our comfort series when it actually hits on a lot of heavy topics and has eviscerated our emotions on more than one occasion. But it truly is my comfort place. Just as I had finished watching the anime for the first time, I lost a very close friend to illness. This friend was a fellow anime/manga enthusiast and was probably the one who introduced me to the world of BL. Although she didn't watch Given, I like to think that it could have been something we would have enjoyed together if we had the time. And although the circumstances are different, I could relate to Mafuyu prematurely losing an important person in his life. Because the story is equal parts pain and healing, Given kind of provided me with a space where I could dump all of the emotions I was experiencing, whether they were happy or sad. It taught me about loss, grief, and above all, the way music and love can heal the wounds that these things have left behind.

I also have to speak separately about the music of Given, it's just so well done, with so much care and attention to detail. You can tell that Cenmilli worked closely with Kizu-sensei or really dived into the source material when working on the music. Every song created for the series relates very clearly to an event or element of the story. I could write praises upon praises for all of them, but some of my favorites include:

Fuyu no Hanashi, for obvious reasons. Yano Shogo's raw vocals are haunting and the guitar riffs are insanely cool. The way the lyrics change from Mafuyu being stuck and unable to say goodbye in the first chorus, to finally moving forward despite that in the last chorus, show that he's getting the closure he needed.

Kizuato - The lyrics perfectly express the series' tagline "can't say goodbye, I'm still drifting with your echoes." And the pre-chorus is so, so good.

Hetakuso - A simple but insanely sweet song that is definitely Mafuyu's response to Ue's admission that he is bad at expressing himself. I squealed when I saw the lyrics mention "covered by the heat of summer" and "not being afraid of the next winter" in reference to the two of them.

Bokura dake no Shudaika - As I read the lyrics, I can't tell if the song is referencing Akihiko and Ugetsu's relationship or Akihiko and Haruki's (maybe it's both), but I actually like that ambiguity. I also love how it beautifully incorporates the violin as a salute to Aki and Ugetsu.

Uragawa no Sonzai - I know Mafuyu is singing the song but I like to think of it from Ue's perspective. He is aware that there is a side to Mafuyu that he doesn't know, his past, a time when he cried, a person he cried over. But he embraces this "existence on the other side" as a precious part of the person he loves and vows that he will fill up for what the other is lacking, and vice versa. I'm crying.

Now that the series is coming to an end, I don't know what I'll do with myself. If it's truly ending for good, I do have my complaints, but I'll save that for another time. No matter what though, Given is solidified as one of my top anime/manga series of all time, and I'm sure I'll keep revisiting it over the years even after it's finished. It's given me so much - joy (RitsuMafu soft moments are my serotonin), sorrow (Strawberry Swing, anyone?), laughs (too many to count), and some of my favorite music - and for that, I'm incredibly thankful.

[late-to-the-fandom]

End of Year Wrap Up

Tagged by the super sweet @mrsmungus, who I'm so glad to have met this year. Along with everyone on here! I'll tag @shipping-through-eternity @mousterian-writes @residentdormouse @frostedlemonwriter @aurhia @unknownogre @laplumedemaureen @lady-grace-pens @bad-at-names-and-faces and anyone else who wrote this year and wants to talk about it!

Total number of completed works: 18 stories but all in the same series. It could have been one fic with 20 chapters but why make things straightforward when you could make them weird and confusing!

Total number of WIPs worked on this year: Mainly the one series (Renathal x the Maw Walker), although I did also make forays into the sequel and a totally out-of-the-blue AU story. Plus, an entirely non-related Denathrius WIP. So, I guess it's 4 different series worth of WIPS?

WIPs neglected this year: Well, there's my now almost 3 year abandoned fic that I'm unlikely ever to finish. I've made my peace with that and now I'm just hoping I don't add this series to that list.

Fandoms I've written in: This year belonged entirely to Prince Renathal.

Total word count: Published? 89,946

Looking back, did you write more than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you expected? Both more and less. The week's worth of drabbles I did in November were not part of my original writing plan, and I wasn't expecting to dedicate a couple of weeks to AU brainstorming either. But I also didn't finish my series which was my goal.

Did you take any writing risks this year? It was my first time actually living out my dream of a story written out of chronological order, but I found I adored it. I'm not looking forward to going back.

Do you have any goals for the new year? I'm starting small. I have two stories left in my series and I want. to. finish. When I'm on the other side of that, I'll see about setting new goals.

Biggest disappointment? Not finishing on schedule was disappointing. Pissing someone off enough to leave me 23 mean comments was also.

Biggest surprise? The very end of the year @hpcraftlove showed up with what is now my avatar which was one of the coolest things to ever happen to me.

Most popular story of the year? The Harvester of Dominion

What's your own favourite story of the year? So hard to choose. It changes all the time. I think I've personally re-read An Ember Court to Remember the most. That or Last Minute Preparations.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: I never got comments on my Keys for All Occasions backstory fics, but I expected that with no smut, fluff, or romance really.

Most fun story to write: Interrupted was great. Fastest, easiest, least painful writing process so far.

Most unintentionally telling story: I don't know … maybe Vices and Vows? Maybe Lost Souls? Maybe the second part of Mortal Reminders if I ever finish it?

My favourite part of fandom this year: Meeting some really great people! Seriously, for all the hate, I got to know some very talented and encouraging people in and out of WoW writing fandom.

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Watches Anime (Nov 5, 2022)

I gotta start putting the year in these things because I've been on Tumblr for too fricking long.

Anyways, I've been getting back into anime which is why my doctor is very concerned (I'm not even joking about that one).

These sequels are good (obviously)

Pop Team Epic

Honestly, the last few episodes have been mediocre. For one, I expected more out of Asanuma and Toyonaga's bit. Second, the writing, like all comedies, is extremely hit or miss. Pop Team Epic in particular is niche to many memes that people haven't even heard of. I'm watching it for the seiyuu and the bad jokes. Yuuma and Enoki's 3B part is what puts it under the "Yeah, I'll keep watching this" category.

Spy x Family Season 2

Yeah, it's good. Wholesome stuff right here. This is the type of content that's okay to put on your search history. Yor is also one of the few characters that Shonen Jump can sexualize without being put on a watch list. Not that they need to. We all show up for Anya.

Mairimashita Iruma-kun Season 2

My only complaint is that there isn't enough Clara antics. I have already written a post about this show. It's good. Go watch it.

Mob Psycho 100 Season 3

Takahiro Sakurai scandal? What is a "Takahiro Sakurai scandal"? For real, that scandal did kind of rock my enjoyment of the show, and I really wouldn't want Reigen to be played by anyone else, but that's up to the people involved with the show. Either way, this season has already been recorded. I just don't see how they can top that previous season with Reigen's revelation arc. Just remember kids, separate the artist from their work. Sakurai is just a small part of what makes Mob Psycho 100 good. There's also some controversy with the dub cast too, so don't think that watching dub will protect you from that.

Recently finished

Koi wa Sekai Seifuku no Ato de

The fanservice interferes with this show. Honestly, I've been watching anime for quite a while, and even this show really sticks out for some reason. Besides that, it's a cute love story that doesn't diverge too much from the usual "Romeo and Juliet" type fare.

I was really surprised about some of the casting decisions for this anime, but I think it worked out for the most part. I don't think I've seen Yuusuke Kobayashi play a meathead before.

Heaven's Design Team

Okay, this is the one show where it genuinely doesn't matter that the cast is never developed because it isn't that type of show. It's ecology mixed with creationism, and even though you'd think those two would never mix, it leads to an almost theistic brand of evolution, and I think that's okay. Just enjoy it for what it is. I watched it for the seiyuu who made the show fun. It's a nice watch, but I can't say it's mindless because you do actually need to pay attention sometimes.

Also, I accidentally watched this out-loud on a VC and still cringe every time I remember that. It was during one particular scene too. Ouch.

Shinchou Yuusha

I pretty much watched this for the voice actors. For one, Aki Toyosaki was really funny in the clips I've seen. Second, I got it spoiled for me and wanted to see the build-up for said spoiler. It was alright. Not a complete waste of time, but it still wasted time if you get what I mean (I watched it on 1.5 speed). I should've been productive. I feel like some of this stuff could've actually been abridged. Besides the two main characters and a few gag characters, the cast is extremely forgettable. It's almost like they made them forgettable on purpose. The fanservice interfered with the show a lot. I could not sit a minute without having female MC's boobs hanging out.

Romantic Killer

Yo, I made a post for all the reasons you should go watch this show. You should go do that. Quit reading this and go watch it. It's good. I like it. Makes the little dino in my brain boogey.

(also a comment on that gif: If this was your normal average harem with a male protagonist, MC would've definitely accidentally groped someone. Anzu never fall on their ball sack. I appreciate that it just stops with a kabedon and her accidentally stomping the crap out of him)

On-going

Akuyaku Reijou nanode Last Boss wo Kattemimashita

I just realized that I may have watched too many anime with Yuuichirou Umehara as the lead, and the funniest part is that all of the three characters in the past three anime I've mentioned have the exact same voice. It wasn't a whole "voice actors have such range" kind of thing. Umehara does have range, but I swear the past three entries have had him to do the exact same or extremely similar voices (closer to his natural voice). He was also in Heaven's Design Team where he did give the character a different voice. So yeah, he's been in four of the anime I've watched lately, and I think it was done by choice? I don't know. He happened to align with a lot of my stuff on my "watch later" list. Meanwhile, Rie Takahashi has given such range as Anzu and the MC of this anime. Man, I have slept on how good she is.

Anyways, this anime is alright. Honestly, go read the manga which covers the first four episodes. From episode five on, the anime goes at a snail's pace compared to the first four episodes which adapted at light speed. Bro, choose your pace then STICK WITH THE PACE YOU CHOSE.

Chainsaw Man

You know, I thought this while reading the first few chapters, but man, it feels both refreshing and insulting to have a straight-forward pervert as the protagonist. Thanks for being honest with us and what you want to project, but man, I am not part of the crowd that would relate to this (asexual). It beats all of those "I'm a good guy who just happens to grope women in my spare time" MCs, but man, how am I supposed to get behind Denji as a main character? Also, screw those people who dislike the casting. I strongly like this cast. Tomori deserves support and so does that trombonist playing Denji. Also, RIP to all of them peeps who are falling for the Makima x Denji stuff. We all know how that's gonna turn out given the tone of the show... and the manga readers screaming spoilers at us from 100 kilometres away.

[missmonsters2]

Hello. :)

Just wanted to leave a message after reading for maybe the 6th times About You. This story is so, so, so amazing.

I will not be able to describe it completely, which explains why I am only talking about it after yet another reading, but your story has marked me enormously when I have never experienced grief, but I have already gone through a stage of depression and it was very easy for me to put myself in Wanda's shoes, to feel her emotions, her despair and wanting to stop everything.

Her relationship with the reader/OC (because it felt very much for me that it was your character, something very original and treated to be read that way) is probably one of my favorite I could ever read. The way they heal each other, make each other better and how Wanda wanted to live because of her makes me very emotional. If I'm being honest, your story kinda gave me the same heartbroken post-fiction experience I have completed, I feel like it's going to stick with me forever with the way I constantly think about it and keep coming back. 🥲

I find that there is something poetic in your writing, your words, your way of describing the characters, what they feel, what they have experienced or are experiencing.

Also I find it extremely good to have mentioned from the beginning that the story does not try to glamorize these emotions or this situation, because unfortunately Ao3 is a site with several stories that are horrific in the bad sense of the word and which can incite bad things.

+ I haven't watched Wednesday but I know the character well enough to understand how hard she is to write, just out of curiosity and because, like I said, I appreciate your writing, I wanted to read about her from your style and I was pleasantly surprised that the character was treated so well, I cannot wait to get more of her by you and I've seen that Wednesday's Dictionary of Emotions may get a second part, which makes me super excited.

Have a nice day/night. ☺️

😭💘😭💘this is one of the nicest things someone has ever said to meeee😭💘😭💘

I don't have too many people talking about the fic 'About You' anymore esp since it's been a longgg time since I finished it, so I'm glad there's someone out there that still loves the fic as much as I do.

I particularly was really happy that you felt my reader was like an OC because that's how I tend to typically writer the reader character to give them plenty of personality even if not everyone can fully relate to them.

Ahh i can't believe you experienced post-fiction completion sadness for this fic!! That's literally such a compliment <3

I feel like Wanda's character and lizzie olsen just plays grief so well that I really wanted to do a deep dive into it.

As for Wednesday, thank you so much for thinking I'm treating her character well in my writing! She is probably one of the more difficult characters for me to write, so I'm glad it's paying off ^^ Yes! I'm still working on the sequel but I have yet to decide whether I'll wait for the show season 2 to start and base the fic off of the new information I'll learn or if I'll completely deviate while we're waiting for season 2.

I hope you are having the most wonderful day/night & staying hyrdated 💘

[blmpff]

Getting to know your BL mutuals - 2022 Edition

Simple, answer the questions. @ some people. Include the tag 'g2ky BL mutuals 2022' on your post so we can find everyone's answers!

Thank you kindly for the tags @lelephantsnail and @gillianthecat ❣️ I enjoyed reading your posts as well! ❣️

(I got tagged on my main account @asdfghjklmpff but I'm answering here as I've made it my bl dedicated side blog 😊 Sorry for the wait!)

(just a heads up, I don't keep any lists nor master spread sheets or anything, I'm just writing down what comes to my head as I read the prompts)

What has been the BL that took you by surprise this year?

First that comes to mind is Eternal Yesterday that's ending this friday, I completely wasn't expecting to be so into it, as I'm more of an action packed, and fast paced shows fan, but every week I am sat with my eyes glued to the screen.

Also Big Dragon, because I was expecting it to be like The One That Shall Not Be Named Fahlaruk level of toxic and trash, but it was surprisingly layered and meaningful, with lots of nuance.

Ghost Host Ghost House started slow for me, and I even considered dropping it, but when the main couple got together their chemistry blew me away and it made me appreciate the show more. I think the show didn't do a proper build up to the second conflict, but the couple ended up talking about the issue and it kinda made it up for me. Kevin and Pleum's chemistry is definitely one of my favorites this year.

Honorable mentions: Semantic Error, Old Fashion Cupcake, Minatos's Laundromat, DNA Says Love You, Blueming, My Only 12%, More Than Words, My Tooth Your Love, My Ride, To My Star 2 (bc we all know that sequels more often than not don't live up to the previous parts, but oh god was it good)

What has been the BL that you felt a bit disappointed with this year?

Plus & Minus, I did genuinely like the show, but it really threw me off with that random break up at the end, and now I don't want to rewatch it at all, even up until those last two eps....

Check Out and Fahlanruk bc yeah... (hopes and prayers that P'Jojo gives us the proper enjoyable messy show we all want and deserve, and not the annoying (gestures everywhere) whatever these two were),

Ocean Likes Me I was really looking forward to seeing Holland act, and surprisingly I did like his acting, but what I had issues with was that it felt like half the plot/story ended up on the cutting room floor and it didn't feel put together enough to draw me in. Also, idk if it was the make up, lighting, or what, but the other guy looked so pale and sick all the time to me.

The Tuxedo!!! The actors had such great chemistry in all the bts footage I saw on my socials leading up to the release I was so hyped, and then the show came and I was so let down... The story made sense, but the execution wasn't there, and the directing/scene choreography was also lacking, and overall I ended up so disappointed... (funnily enough, it was my second time seing The House that's everywhere now lol, I had no idea it's going to be in half the thai productions this year)(The first time was in The Player, and the rest is history),

Love Class, I truly enjoy kbls, but I really didn't feel that one, and I'm surprised they got a second season confirmed.

What has been your favorite BL this year?

It's impossible to choose just one ;-; also it's almost all the same as the ones that surprised me, probably that's why they're one of my favorites

Korea: Semantic Error, Blueming, and Choco Milk Shake.

Thailand: Big Dragon, Between Us (duh), Ghost Host Ghost House, Bad Buddy and Not Me (they finished airing in 2022 it counts shh), Something in My Room (yes I know it's slow as hell, but somehow it charmed me and I ended up binging it till late am on a work day. also wtf was up with that alien plot)

Japan: More Than Words, Old Fashion Cupcake, Minato's Laundromat, Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai, Seven Days,

Taiwan: DNA Says Love You, About Youth (fuck those parents tho, and the father in particular)

What are your favorite BL couples (not just of 2022)?

(not the order of favoritism, just who comes to my mind first)

Pat x Pran - Bad Buddy

Da-woon x Si-won - Blueming

Nozue x Togawa - Old Fashion Cupcake

Jae-young x Sang-woo - Semantic Error

Seo-joon x Ji-woo - To My Star & TMS2

Jin Xun An x Bai Lang - My Tooth Your Love

Win x Team - UMWA/BU

Choco x Milk x JungWoo - Choco Milk Shake (not a couple I know, but try and tell me I'm wrong, I dare you)

Kevin x Pleum - Ghost Host Ghost House

Cake x Eiw - My Only 12%

Qiu Zi Xuan x Xia Yu Hao - History 2: Crossing The Line

Meng Shao Fei x Tang Yi - History 3: Trapped

Igawa Shun x Hibino Nagisa - His (2020)

Dan x Yok - Not Me (it's criminal how little time they got. hehe get it?)

If you had to suggest a BL for someone what would it be?

This is going to sound the same as 99% of people I saw doing this, but it's true so here goes:

Softer ones: Semantic Error, Bad Buddy, Seven Days, Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai, Light On Me, Be Loved In House I Do, About Youth, We Best Love, Life; Love On The Line, To My Star 1 (then 2 if they're invested).

And more action packed: History 3: Trapped, Manner of Death, Long Time No See, 3 Will Be Free, KinnPorsche The Series (for VegasPete).

What's your non-BL favorite for this year?

Weak Hero Class 1, At a Distance Spring is Green (when I tell you I bawled my eyes out, and I don't cry like at all)

The Sandman, Bastard Son and The Devil Himself (recommended for all you 3 Will Be Free enthusiasts, like myself), Wendel and Wild (bc I love Coraline and it's by the same guy, also the rep)

Barbaren

I probably missed a lot, but it's long enough already 😅

As for the tags I feel like everyone's done that already, but if someone haven't yet and would like to, consider yourself tagged! <3

@loooreleii @seung-sung and @varis-world maybe, if you want to? 😊

[gabenvrhappened]

BooksOr... Aristotle and Dante Dive into the Waters of the World

Sequels are a funny thing. They can be the best decision, but they can also be the worst. Just like the second season of Heartstopper, the second book of Aristotle and Dante didn’t hit as hard as its predecessor. When I first laid eyes on it, I was excited because it was longer than the first, but now that I’ve finished it, I see how this was more of a disadvantage than anything.

It all started the same, though. When I first started reading, I learned a lot about myself, but here, during the sugarcoated love passages, I rolled my eyes so much that I felt like my orbits would pop out. Then I understood the reason behind that effect that I’ve been noticing in many LGBT books I've read (like the Adam Silvera ones): I resented love. Seeing pure love and all its affection being described made me aggrieved because I never had those moments nor did I think I would ever experience them. So I rejected them. Yes, they were too sugary, but they made me realize that, all this time, I didn’t connect to it out of fear.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good read, but I struggled to finish it most of the time. It starts right after the first book ends, but the way Ari acts in it is completely different from the last time we saw him. Throughout the pages, it felt like I was reading a fanfiction. Ari changed too much and too soon. He soon became romantic and sentimental as hell. Out of the sudden, he was another person, who wanted, loved, and knew how to write about his life and feelings. Out of the sudden, he wasn’t a rebel anymore. All that changed with a kiss in the desert. If we had had a time jump, I would’ve understood it, but that was not the case.

The whole book seemed to have been written just to make a point. All the time. There was always something to be said and something to be proved. And since the book is from the point of view of a kid, that didn’t feel genuine. Benjamin Alire Sáenz, the author, brought the AIDS event to the story, and even though it's so important for the audience of the book to read about that, the delivery made me only feel the cheesiness flowering from the words every single time. Conversely, it was nice to read the love growing between them, but the coming out felt shallowly uninteresting. And even though the sex parts — which were an awkward thing to write about two kids — were sweet and profound, they still felt really unnecessary. Therefore, coming back to my review of the first book, I noticed how well Benjamin knew how to write about young love, but it seems that he forgot a bit while writing this.

While Ari was a completely new person, Dante stayed mostly the same and had the development you would expect from him. With love on the horizon, he became needy and dependent on Ari. As someone with a lot of emotions as a kid, I could relate. The dynamic between them also stayed the same, and was also something you would expect, even with the new Ari. As the story unfolds, we’re introduced to new characters, and the flaw in the writing remains unchanged (which surprised me, since I praised this in the first book). These are not '80s kids. It feels like the author had never met or been one; he’s just writing what he thinks a kid is. I highly doubt they talked like that in 1988. Everyone is so in touch with their emotions, it’s insane. It felt like reading the daydreaming texts I write here over and over again, but picturing a 16-year-old horny writing them. Again, awkward.

The new friends we meet are sweet, cute, and kind (yeah), but, just like the premise of the book, they’re there just to make a point. All the time. Talking about revolutions and rights wrapped in cliché phrases of love and acceptance. I get that this is a hopeful book to make life feel a little lighter and sweeter, but I also believe there’s a fine line on how that can be conceived to feel credible.

That’s how you understand when the author says that it took five years to write a book he never intended to write: the book goes nowhere. It feels like a heap of random stories stitched together on a tapestry that someone throws under the bed because there’s no place for it in the house. The first book goes on a linear path and has a defined storyline, which now I see as understandable since we’re seeing two kids learning how it feels to fall in love. But here they’re already in love, and the possible struggle of coming out and figuring it out how to love each other (since they’re two very different creatures) was already overcome, so what’s left to develop? Maybe the fact that they’re growing up and growing apart soon because of college, but that’s not the point of the book, at all. Especially because the book doesn’t have a point. It’s all just happening. That’s why the number of pages became something I loved at first but dreaded as I delved into the pages.

Speaking of delving, the title is another random thing. At first, it looked like we had a place to go. Ari wanted to become a cartographer, and that felt like a tangible thing that could lead the story, but that was only a metaphor to give the book a title that made semantic sense within the universe created. What a shame. Being just random stories, we had random follow-ups. The brother storyline, for example, which I expected to be more developed here, was resolved in a few pages, in an uneventful turn of few pages that it was almost disrespectful to what the first book has built. And the tragedies created to make the book deeper only made it feel shallow. Ari being this new romantic guy got in the way of the most important and impactful moments feeling important and impactful. The way that now he related to his family changed drastically from one book to another, and being the total opposite of what you would expect from a teenager. And differently from the first book, here I didn't find any moment that made me speechless. No passage could come close to the feeling I had while reading the bath scene or the pot scene in the first book. It's unfair to compare, but I don't care.

All in all, even though I loved learning more about myself while reading, I strongly believe that this book wasn’t supposed to exist because it doesn’t add anything to the original. It felt great having this at my bed, making me company every night I went to sleep, but I feel that it could have been much more. And in a sea of so many random things, what felt most important to happen, didn’t: Ari giving to Dante the many letters he wrote (yes, he wrote many letters in this book [Dante wrote none]). Who knows if a third book will show us that. If at least one of them had died at the end.

[pin4tacademia]

life update!!!

Soooo it's the second week of uni. So far, so good. I definitely feel like the general workload of this semester has eased up SO MUCH. I'm actually so surprised bc so many engineering guys have scared me saying it only gets worse, that I will hate 2nd year, that electrical is the hardest, and tbh, my workload is already eased up so much compared to last semester. I not only have ZERO prelecs (last sem I had 2 classes with weekly prelecs), but I also have like around half the amount of lectures than last semester. On top of that, only three of my four classes have weekly quizzes (last semester 4 of my 5 classes had weekly quizzes AND THERE WAS ONE WEEKLY QUIZ THAT TOOK A WHOLE DAY TO DO I HATED IT).

Anyways, so I'm off to a good start.

I will say digital logic, circuit analysis, and physics has been pretty good. Not too difficult yet. However, algorithms has been a lot already. I am forseeing that I will probably spend a lot more time on algorithms than anything else. I have also been warned about the circuit analysis class, so I suspect it will get much harder later in the semester. Physics has been my favourite class so far, which is good bc I will have to do 2 more physics classes for my degree.

My research internship ends this week. I already have my final presentation mostly done, just need to tweak some aspects of it, but other than that I am fully ready to present. In the next two days I am planning to finalise my report (which I already have mostly done anyways), so I will probably have to spend most of my time on that until friday. Ngl I spent last week procrastinating A LOT, so I will have to make up for that mistake this week. I have also applied to two societies: a rocketry one and a motorsports one. These two I have been planning to apply to for ages, as they're basically work experience that I can put on my resume and they supply a HUGE amount of work hours (I need like 700 or smth to graduate), so hopefully I get in. I am a bit scared in applying though, because I've heard it is quite intensive and I am already working a part-time job already. We'll see. I'm sure I can leave anytime if it ever gets too much.

Because of my procrastination, theres already a lot to do:

watch + write notes for physics lectures

go over physics tutorial sheets

prepare for the physics labs

complete the physics weekly quiz

complete the algorithms weekly quiz

go over digital logic content and labs

go over circuit analysis tutorial (and prepare for lab)

complete motorsports activities

go over algorithms content

finish research report

anyways, in terms of more personal updates:

Finished netflix's ATLA!!! Tbh it wasn't incredible in a way I was hoping for, but it also wasn't dogshit, and I think everyone can agree it was better than the movie. I'd give it a solid 7/10. If they made a second season, I would definitely watch it.

I've also been going out a LOT more. I spent last weekend doing escape rooms and mini-golf and fun little activities. It feels really good to actually go out again, and I definitely want to do it more, especially before the sem gets hectic.

And finally, there's really a lot to look forward to. The first two episodes of Shogun has come out, and I am really looking forward to watching them. I've read approximately the first 100 pages of the book, so I am curious to how they'll adapt it. Also, FF7 Rebirth is coming out tomorrow!!! How exciting!! I probably won't be able to play it, but I might be able to watch someone else gameplay. I have played FF7 Crisis Core and a little bit of FF7 the remake and the original, so I should probably try and finish FF7 itself before the sequel hehe.

anyways that is all, peace out <3

[mymarifae]

still so mad that and what's a little kiss between bros? is going to end up with two sequel-esque pieces. but it's fine.

--

len homophobia arc

[princessofbookaholics]

MID YEAR BOOK FREAK OUT TAG 2022

It’s the first day of July and it’s time to check in on those reading goals! I've been doing this tag for the past two years and I'm happy to see that this year so many other booklrs are doing it too!

My reading has been going fine. I have started DNFing more books which is ultimately great so I have fewer 2 star reads than usual (I don't count DNFs towards my reading goal). Thrillers are supposed to be my favorite genre but this year I've had such bad luck with them, they're either 3 stars or lower. Romance is the only genre that's making me happy. As always I have multiple answers for everything so here goes:

1. How many books have you read so far?

I’ve read 97 books woohoo

2. What genres have you read?

Here are the genres by stats:

31 romance books

27 mystery/thriller books

12 contemporary books

10 fantasy/sci-fi books

6 non fiction

5 graphic novel/manga

2 historical fiction

2 anthologies

1 poetry/in-verse book

1 classic

3. Best book you’ve read so far this year

This is the year I've read the most romances and they've been making me the happiest

4. Best sequel you’ve read so far this year

I read the entirety of the Green Bone Saga by Fonda Lee in the first half of the year and both Jade War and Jade Legacy were fantastic sequels and the trilogy itself was so good! I also read The Brown Sisters trilogy by Talia Hibbert and Act Your Age Eve Brown was my favorite among them!

5. New release you haven’t read yet, but want to

I'm in such a summery mood so I might just read all of these asap

6. Most anticipated release for the second half of the year

7. Biggest disappointment

I hyped these up too much in my head which ended up with some average reads:

8. Biggest surprise

I didn’t expect to love these as much as I did:

9. Favorite new author (debut or new to you)

I haven’t read enough from these authors but I would surely like to read everything they write:

Mariana Zapata

Fonda Lee

Talia Hibbert

Akemi Dawn Bowman

10. Underrated gems

Not enough people have read these books:

11. Newest fictional crush

Oh man I don't really have a bookish one so far this year although I finally binge watched Gilmore Girls and read plenty of Luke and Lorelai fanfiction and now I have a huge crush on him 😍

12. Newest favorite character

I would have to go with Anya from Spy × Family because she's so funny and we basically have the same name 😂

13. Book that made you cry

These made me cry:

14. Book that made you happy

If you wanna smile then read these:

15. Most beautiful book cover of a book you’ve read so far this year

Romances have the best covers so it was hard to narrow down to these (I guess I just love the sky+water combo):

16. How are you doing with your year’s goals?

So my year’s goals were:

Read 100 books (on track)

TBR Buster Challenge 2022 (14/25 books read)

Read a non-fiction every month (6 books read so on track)

Complete 5 book series (3 series finished)

17. What books do you need to read by the end of the year?

The only books I have planned to complete by the end of this year are in my TBR Buster Challenge!

[loonysama]

2021 Fanfic Year in Review

Thanks @bad-at-names-and-faces for the tag!!!

Total Completed Works: 21 (plus 3 WIPs)

Word Count: 584,486

Fandoms I've Written In: Frozen, Brave, The Little Mermaid, Tangled, Rise of the Guardians

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you expected? I haven't even been writing fanfic for a year yet, so definitely more! If you had asked me a year ago whether I'd be writing anything at all, I would have laughed and said you were funny. I'm frankly astounded at how much I've accomplished.

What's Your Own Favorite Story Of the Year? That's a really hard question because I love all my stories. I'll narrow it to three: Sophisticated Grace, Uncertain Uncertainties, and Always.

Fanfic goals for the new year: I want to finish posting my WIPs - Sophisticated Grace, The Refugees, Seeing Is Believing, Hearing Is Deceiving, and The Best Pick-Up Line There Is (my rewrite of The Office and the Orphanage at FFN). I've also started on three multi-chapters I'd love to start posting this year, but it seems ambitious. ALSO - I want to run two more challenges. One for Anna's B-Day/Midsommar and another for Halloween.

Most popular story of the year: Love, Essentially. It's about ER nurse Anna and train conductor Kristoff meeting and falling in love during the Arendelle Pandemic. And Ariel and Merida are Anna's daughters. It's about second chance romance and found family. Also super steamy. One of the three stories I am gonna try to post this year is a sequel to this one where Ariel and Merida meet their half-brother Harry Tarzan. I'm excited about it.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, IMO: The Rose Gold Ring Leap (part of the Ahtohallan Olympics series). It's about an OC (Anna and Kristoff's daughter Amber) and Ryder Nattura so understandably it's not that popular (even though it does have background Kristanna and a pretty sweet bromance between Kristoff and Ryder). It's a proposal story that takes a little from Kristoff's failed attempts in Frozen II and the outtake "Get This Right." Plus gymnastics! I think it's so cute and sweet and I love it. And it was so much fun writing Kristanna's daughter!

Most fun story to write: Heart of Gold. Hands down. It was a spur of the moment idea I got while watching Olympic gymnasts this summer. I took some story ideas from the news and my observations, and I did a lot of research on gymnastics moves and history. Plus there were some readers that left lots of nice comments and that always makes it more fun and easier. I liked it so much that I expanded the universe with 6 other stories!

Most unintentionally telling story: I really can't pick just one story for this. Let's just say that I had almost total amnesia from childhood trauma before I started writing and now I sort of know what happened. I think that's pretty incredible.

Biggest disappointment: I had to abandon Seeing is Believing, Hearing is Deceiving! I plan to pick it up again in time for Halloween, though. I just had too many things going on in the story and with contests and all that, and it just got too frustrating for me, so I had to let something go. I also had to take long breaks in the middle of some of my longer multi-chapters due to emotional burn-out, and I know that's ok, but I feel like I lost some connection to the stories after that, and now I really regret it. I'm trying to pace myself better now so it doesn't happen again!

Biggest surprise: So, I write a lot of pretty graphic NSFW stuff... Again, a year ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me. And I've also met some wonderful people in the fandom community that I've become close friends with, even though we live on other sides of an ocean! And just to know that people are reading stuff I write and liking it is sort of unreal.

Tagging:

@hiptoff

@hyggescribble

@true--north

@anywhozits

@thecassadilla

[readingoals]

Mid Year Book Tag Thing

I wasn't tagged by anythone but I thot this might be a bit of fun

Best book you’ve read so far in 2022

This is a very tough choice cause I've read some absolute bangers this year but at the moment I think my fave would be Why Didn't They Ask Evans by Agatha Christie. I just loved the characters so much and I think their relationship was one of the best I've read in any Christie novel. Plus the mystery itself was very well done.

Best sequel you've read so far in 2022

I've not read a lot of sequels (I don't read all that many series) so I think it has to be Amongst Our Weapons by Ben Aaronovitch. I adore the Rivers of London series and AOW was no exception. If I'm being honest the last couple books of this series I've found harder to follow/remember what happened in them (which is more to do with my headspace than the books I think) but AOW had me completely invested. The start was a little slow but once I was in I was in. Favourite re-read

Okay there are two because I literally cannot decide. The first is Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. It's one of my all time favourite books and I re-read it every couple of years. The other is Zigzag Street by Nick Earls which I hadn't read for quite some time. Very very different books but I just adore them both. Genre you've been loving/reading the most

It's really no surprise that mystery has been my most read genre this year. I'm following the 2022 Read Christie challenge which means I'm reading 1 Agatha Christie book per month so mystery is definitely right up there for me at the moment. My second most read is Historical Fiction I think. New release you haven't read yet, but want to

I'm gonna be honest, I don't really keep up with new releases. Like if I'm in a bookshop and one catches my eye I'll pick it up but I have no idea what are new releases and what aren't. Looking at my shelf I don't think I have anything that was released this year that I haven't already read. Most anticipated release for the second half of the year

Like I said anticipated releases aren't really my thing. But I do know that Taylor Jenkins Reid has a new book coming out sometime towards the end of the year which I'll definitely pick up because I've liked everything else I'd read from her. Biggest disappointment

Take Me To Your Nerdy Leader and Sincerely Confusingly Yours by Hailey Gonzales. I really wanted to love those two because the series has an aro main character and I'm aro and I just had very high hopes that the books did not live up to. Biggest surprise

Parker Pyne Investigates by Agatha Christie. This one is very different to what I expected and to other Christie's I've read. It's a short story collection for one. And also very romance focused. I mean it's still a mystery book and Pyne solves a number of cases, including murder. But a lot of them are relationship based mysteries - unhappy marriages and the like. Which was definitely not what I had in mind when I picked it up, although still very enjoyable. Favorite new author (debut or new to you)

I don't think I have one. Most of the books I've read have been by authors I'm already familiar with. Of those that weren't - the two Hailey Gonzales books were disappointing, Crossroads by Jonathan Franzen was good in patches but mostly I hated it, and The Woman In White by Wilkie Collins was enjoyable but I'm not desperate to read anything else by him. I think the closest to a new fave author would be Emma Brodie since I really enjoyed Songs In Ursa Major but again I'm not like scrambling for more of her writing. If I saw she had another book I might pick it up but she's not a guaranteed buy yet. Newest favourite character

I think it has to be Frankie from Why Didn't They Ask Evans. I just adored her. Bobby also should get a mention since they worked as a team to solve the case. Book that made you cry

I don't think anything I've read this year has made me cry. Songs In Ursa Major might have made me tear up a bit, same with The City of Mist by Carlos Ruiz Zafon but I don't think either made me properly cry.

Book that made you happy

Zigzag Street obviously. It's so funny and because it's set very close to where I live it's just always a joy to read because I'm familiar with so much of what is mentioned. Special mention to Mostly Void Partially Stars by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor because the nostalgia of revisiting early Welcome To Night Vale episodes made me very happy also. Most beautiful book you've bought so far this year (or received)

I think these three count as the prettiest books I've acquired this year. The first is a collector's edition of Frankenstein. It's got foiling on it so irl its all shiny and pretty. The second is The Complete Novels of Jane Austen. I'm a sucker for flowers and stuff and I really like the colours on this one. And then the third is A Long Petal of the Sea by Isabel Allende which I'm currently reading. I actually borrowed this one from the library I work in, partly because of the cover. It's hard to tell from the image but there's a lot of gold foiling going on highlighting the title and the lines of the sea and sky. What books do you need to read by the end of the year?

I don't have anything specific in mind. Obviously theres another 6 Agatha Christie books to read but I don't know what all of them are yet (the next one has to fit the prompt "takes place on holidays"). I'd like to finally get around to The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and maybe re-read Cloud Atlas. Then theres the rest of the Welcome To Night Vale books. And in my yearly goals I said I'd like to read 3 non-fiction books and I haven't picked up a single one yet but I've got a few I'm keen to get to - The Regency Revolution by Robert Morrison in particular.

[silenthillmutual]

director's commentary on o tempora, o mores?

ohohohoho >:)

well. first. i am writing a follow-up to this. i have an outline i am following and it should be around 30k by the time i'm done with it. that's the projection i have so far for this.

other thoughts from the text below the cut!!

i def wrote this fic with more of p2 in mind than classic, but the last sentence of this section:

"Privately, Daniil thinks of running into the steppe, because whatever horrors await him out there surely can’t be more painful than whatever the inquisition has in store for him. He’ll be surprised if he’s not made to commit suicide by this time next week."

the first sentence is a reference to the nocturnal end but the second is a reference to him threatening to kill himself in haruspex route & aglaya suicide-baiting him in changeling route! since we don't really know what is going to happen in bachelor route yet i tend to take bits and pieces from classic and mash them in to make a sort of rough sketch of what he might be getting up to while we've been following artemy.

‘Volatile,’ he’d called them, because he thought ascribing them something stronger would get him branded paranoid, not that it mattered anymore.

i talked to my therapist recently about struggling w paranoia and apparently this is just something that can come along w the ocd, bc the obsessive thoughts aren't rational and at its most severe you can have little to no understanding that the thoughts aren't rational. and i wanted to represent daniil at his absolute peak in this fic, so he got the severe end of the stick. if sirens existed in tog, he'd think the police were coming to get him.

i have not talked about daniil's religious trauma yet i do not think but it will be making an appearance in other fics. i tend to bounce back and forth about how i hc daniil's relationship to religion but since scrupulosity is a religious term i figure he will have to Face It at some point in time during the sequel

His lab in the Capital, the rats that they keep.

oh i guess i need to talk about The Thanatica Rats in the next one but i hc Daniil has four rats at Thanatica that were supposed to be experimented on but everyone got too attached to. they are named athos, porthos, aramis, and d'artagnan. no i have not read the book yet<3 but i think daniil has.

if i were to completely re-write this fic (which i won't. but if i did,) i would probably have it take longer for daniil to get fixated on artemy's name. for him it's just stimming to say it / think it because the syllables sound nice and sometimes you just get names in your head. i think that's more of an autism thing, but i had to try and differentiate stimming from compulsions and sometimes it is difficult for me to tell the two apart!

fun fact: in between writing this fic and starting the sequel, i got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which explains how i interpret daniil at some points as being buzzing with energy and speaking and acting before he thinks, like when he flashes back to threatening artemy at gunpoint. sometimes while hypomanic you say and do things that you wind up regretting later on. i even wrote "he feels manic" in the outline of the sequel and that didn't clue me in, lol.

"They’re very similar, Daniil and Aglaya, in ways he finds it difficult to explain. He wonders what she’s seen in Artemy, if she’s felt the same pulls to him that Daniil has."

i've compared p2 aglaya and daniil before on this blog way, way back when i first played pathologic 2, but i do think they are quite similar in some ways. i can't quite articulate how at the moment, i'd need more time to review my notes, find that post again, but for one, they were both (like block) sent to the town to die, and for another, i think both are quite motivated by spite.

"Then, he takes up his pen, and writes down the words, ‘I am writing to you because’."

i find myself having daniil write letters so much in fic because a, i think he'd excel at writing letters as a plague-ridden gay victorian, and b, because getting letters from him is such a prominent fixture of the haruspex route in classic that it's kind of a bummer they cut letters out of p2. like come on. give us "your friend (hopefully)" again

all in all regarding this fic, i think ethics are actually very important to daniil, he just...doesn't have a bedside manner. because his work is with the dead and he is a blunt fellow and there are any number of reasons you could decide that is the case, but i think his ocd might also manifest in enforcing his ethics on others and getting quite nasty about it. i'm very excited to be working on the sequel to this fic because i find writing about the struggles i go through to be very empowering!!!

ty for your ask!! ^_^