#the spy who ravished me

[strawsojuberry]

[obssessive]

[yanyandere]

死にゲーに転生したマフィア嬢は偏愛スパイに手籠めにされる / The Spy Who Ravished Me ~Reborn as a Mafia Princess in a Deadly Game~ // support the artist (eng)

[yumeurl]

these two pages from an h manga has haunted me ever since i saw it bc i couldnt stop thinking about tomdraco lmfao

[cinnamonest]

Female-Targeted Doujin Masterlist

Thank you anon! Sooooo, I have decided to compile a female-targeted/yumejoshi masterlist, I'll add this post to my main masterlist soon.

These were the one I could think of from memory, I’ll come back to this list and add to it if I get more, I'm sure I missed a few from my bookmarks. Feel free to add to it in the comments, and I'll try to find and update it! Also, several of these were recommended from anons in the past, so thank you all <3

FYI several links lead to nh*ntai dot net, so be aware of that.

Umekoppe

As per the post anon is referencing, Umekoppe is a doujin group that consistently puts out exclusively good content!

“The Yandere Prince Won't Let Me Slip Away”

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: Isekai/pseudo-reincarnation trope, premise basically explained by the title, MC is isekai'd as prince's lost lover.

"The Sacrificial Maiden Corrupted by Coupling With an Oni"

(Link)

Premise: Historical Japan setting, the "MC is an offering sacrifice to the Creature, but the Creature chooses to keep her instead" trope.

"Until the Trashiest Boy Toy Exorcist Ren-kun Crushes Me in His Embrace"

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: MC is a girl that attracts malevolent spirits, exorcist-kun is obligated to help her ward them off (with orgasms, naturally).

"The Spy Who Ravished Me ~Reborn As a Mafia Princess in a Deadly Game~"

(Link)

Premise: Isekai, MC reincarnated into a game where she knows who the guy who is most likely to kill her is, but in her attempt to avoid getting killed by him, ends up taking actions that make him grow into an obsessive love-hate instead. Top tier, this boy is probably the worst (in a good way) of how all the Umekoppe love interests treat the girl.

"Heibon Onna wa Downer Kami-sama ni Izon sarete Modorenai" (this one didn't have a translated title, sorry)

(Link)

Premise: MC discovers her friend is a shrine god and wolf-boy. Wolfboy fun times ensue (and in the end she's apparently unknowingly trapped into being with him forever, so that's nice).

You’re Cutest When You’re Pathetic ~Obsessed Golden Retriever Boy Haru’s Disciplinary Sex~

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: Softboy™ neighbor finds MC's phone with lewd stuff on it, gets her confessions in drunk conversations, turns out to not be so much of a Softboy behind closed doors.

Oniben Katze

Another group that also does a lot of fem-targeted stuff.

Serious Sex with my Brutish Boyfriend

(Link)

Premise: MC's lover gets mad over rumors that she's a slut, decides to get possessive and rough over it.

Dog Eat Dog Era

(Part One)

(Part Two/Extras)

Premise: a personal favorite, an isekai'd witch adopts two dragon boys who grow up to have a strong fixation with her and noncon ensues.

Parasite Garden

Makes notably darker stuff that contains more controversial subject matter/themes, so be warned.

The Corpse of a Goldfish is at the Bottom of the Swamp

(Link)

CW: INCEST

Premise: possessive brother wants to corrupt/mindbreak sister to keep her forever (spoiler: he succeeds)

The Neighbor in Room 203 Disappeared Leaving their Keys Behind

(Link)

Premise: stalker girl meets her match, as it turns out the boy neighbor she's stalking pulls a spiderman pointing meme and has actually been her stalker for even longer and to a much greater, darker, and more more extreme extent, and is intent on not letting her go.

My Sweet Bunny Cage

(Part One)

(Part Two)

Premise: tiny girl is kidnapped by a crazed guy convinced she is the reincarnation of his lost pet rabbit.

Other

(artist listed below titles)

If you wish, hypnosis ~Maki-san's secret love therapy~

(Link)

Artist: Meeo

Premise: pretty straightforward, after she doesn't believe it's real, MC's coworker uses hypnosis on her for Certain Specific Purposes.

Sakaki the Lazybones Shows His Talents at Night

(Link) (Contains all chapters' links on the page, you might have to scroll down on the chapter list to see chapter one on some phones)

Artist: Potsunen Jin

Premise: (Another personal favorite) MC's younger coworker, peak innocent idolizing softboy, is in love with her and takes advantage of a situation while she's drunk after watching porn to "learn what girls like." Clingy, possessive relationship ensues.

Lady K and the Sick Man

(Chapter One) (site's menu is a bit awkward to deal with, but you have to click in the corner to view the menu to go to other chapters).

Artist: Rororogi Mogera

Yet another personal favorite, this one does have slight male gaze to it in that it focuses on the girl quite a bit, but it still focuses on the guy way more than the average doujin. Also the guy is an older bigger guy, if you ever tire of the twink/twunk standard in yumejoshi stuff.

Premise: guy moves into an apartment with a ghost lady and just kinda accepts it because he can't afford to live anywhere else, but quickly decides he’s down bad for ghussy.

I Became the True Love Object of Mr. Segawa, Who Has a Huge Attitude and Body

(Link)

Artist: Haruo Haruyama

Premise: very straightforward office coworkers to lovers, coworker is a big guy who turns out to be kinda sadistic, which is good for the masochistic MC.

The Man Who Saved Me on my Isekai Trip was a Killer

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Part Three)

Artist: Ahan Horihori

Premise: this one got kind of infamous and shock-valued the mainstream crowd due to an animated advertisement I believe, it's essentially self-explanatory from the title: isekai'd lady gets saved by a guy who turns out to be a violent murderer, dark and sometimes pseudo-incesty plot twists ensue.

[thesparklingwriter]

the blush hypothesis

“There are simpler ways to get me to blush, you know. You needn’t compose such convoluted plans.”

tags: established relationship, fem!reader, fluff, literally no plot to this sorry

(if you have seen this before its cause i accidentally deleted it el oh el)

masterlist | ao3 link | taglist | next

You glance at Zhongli over the top of your book, trying your best to hide the fact that your interest does not lie in the pages and rather with him as he methodically dresses for work.

Despite the fact that your husband is putting his clothes on, not taking them off, the nature of your spying makes your face heat up in embarrassment and you bury your face back into your book as realisation hits. 

“You do realise I can feel you watching me?” Zhongli chuckles, doing his shirt buttons up as he approaches. “You’re not very subtle, my dear.”

You feel your face heat up more, putting your face against the pages of your book, hoping that if you stay there long enough, Zhongli will let the topic drop. Of course, that’s wishful thinking—he rarely lets things go, or gets flustered by you. In fact, you’re convinced you’ve never actually seen him blush in all the time you’ve been together.

“I was not watching you.” You protest, face still in the pages of your book. Zhongli raises an eyebrow, not that you see him do it, and chuckles to himself again. 

You continue talking. “What kind of pervert stares at their husband changing? That’s ridiculous.”

“You, my dear, are a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black.” He sighs, sinking down on the bed beside you. You don't look at him, still flustered from being caught in the act. But as you’re trying to ignore his presence until your face is no longer hotter than the deserts of sumeru, a thought floats into your mind. What would it take to make Zhongli as flustered as you are right now? 

And thus, you make it your goal to make him blush. For you, no tactic is too low, especially since it’s for the sake of science—your first idea is to compliment him incessantly. You’re not particularly the type to declare your love for him with words, preferring to show it in other ways, so his surprise at your words should make him blush, even if the content doesn’t. 

And so it begins. For the next week, you try all the compliments you can think of, waiting to see that flush on his cheeks. His reactions are varied, a slight smile some days, hearty laughter on others. But not once does he blush or show any kind of embarrassment.

“My, don’t you look ravishing today?” you grin, flopping onto the sofa beside Zhongli, who is absorbed in a novel. He looks up at you, a pleased look in his eyes, despite his somewhat neutral smile.

“Thank you, dear,” He replies, not a single tinge of pink anywhere on his face. Infuriating. “As do you, as always.” He shifts himself, making more space for you to sit comfortably.

“That’s it?” You reply incredulously. Zhongli looks at you with innocent eyes, confused at your sudden hostility. “That’s all you have for me?”

“I seem to have missed your point,” He says brightly, as you scowl at him. “Did I  offend you somehow?”

You frown even deeper. “Seven days. For seven days I have been using my extensive poetisicm to flirt with you and you haven’t blushed once. Not even even a smidge. What are you? Some kind of monster? Am I not good enough for you anymore? What’s it going to take to get you just a little bit flustered?”

Zhongli looks at you in mild confusion. “So the sudden influx of compliments was just a part of testing your hypothesis?”

“Yes.”

“There are simpler ways to get me to blush, you know. You needn’t compose such convoluted plans.” He chuckles, draping his arm across your shoulders casually and stroking your hair. 

“Pray, tell.” You grumble. As if you spent all that time planning compliments, only for Zhongli to tell you you were doing it all wrong. “I suppose all those years being worshipped by all of Liyue has desensitised you to compliments, huh?”

“I suppose so,” He says. “However, I much prefer the ones you came up with. I quite liked the one in relation to the Cor Lapis and the Jade.”

It’s you who hides yoru face in embarrassment, feeling it heat up. Of course he’d manage to turn your plan against you. When does he not? The silly man knows exactly when to do to have you like putty in his hands, and he enjoys it—you know he does. There’s no other explanation for his actions.

“Don’t remind me. That one took me two days to come up with, and you ruined my delivery of it.” You scowl. “When someone asks what you and a random item have in common, just say ‘what?’, okay? Don’t start listing the qualities that you and a precious stone have in common. It’s a real vibe killer.”

“Why would I do that when the alternative means you’ll respond so adorably?”

You glare at him halfheartedly. “Don’t you dare.”

Zhongli ignores you, a devious smile growing. “That said, it has been a while since I last blushed. It was our wedding night, if I remember correctly.”

You laugh at that one. “The same wedding night where Venti laced your wine with hard liquor? That flush was from the alcohol, not me.”

Zhongli shifts himself so that you’re pressed right up to his side, his face in the crook of your neck. “Venti never laced my wine. I would have tasted it.”

“So you weren’t drunk? You’re trying to tell me that you had that stupid lovestruck grin on your face whilst you were stone cold sober? That you bowed like a knight before literally carrying me home before the reception was even finished?”

“Perhaps not stone cold sober.” Zhongli amends. “I’d say lukewarm.”

“That’s not how the saying works.” You try to pull away from him, but his arms around you are firm. “What now, Zhongli? First you resist my attempts to seduce you, and now you won’t let me sulk in peace?”

He rests his head against the crook of your neck, and that’s when you realise how warm it is. “All I had to do was bring up our wedding night? Are you kidding me?”

“In hindsight,” Zhongli mutters. “It is somewhat embarrassing to think about.”

“It was hilarious. Highlight of my life. I’d do it again in a heartbeat if I was given the chance to.”

© 2023, thesparklingwriter. please do not copy, edit, repost, or translate.

notes: heyyyy whats up y'all (no one mention that its almost been a year since i started this blog and i STILL haven't finished flufftober thank u) aine if you're seeing this i took you off the taglist this (1) one time because i know you've seen this already :3

taglist: @thelonelyarchon @aixaingela @medusuu

[cutel3wdstuffz]

This scene omfg

Manga is: The Spy Who Ravished Me ~Reborn As a Mafia Princess in a Deadly Game~

[aghostwrites]

Look at your high lord

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*WARNINGS* Unprotected sex, NSFW, fingering, oral (male receiving), featuring semi-nice Tamlin, lewd Lucien, overstimulation, threesome, orgasm (male and female) OC character, she/her pronouns, mention of female genitals and male genitals.

paring: Tamlin x f!reader x Lucien

word count: 2k

MINORS DO NOT ENGAGE

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Calanmai is fast approaching and the entire female staff of the Spring court is buzzing with excitement. Well, almost all. Alis has been monitoring the food preparations for the upcoming festivity, her temper is beginning to run high. Tamlin refuses to tell me what Calanmai means or what happens during the event but Lucien has been making more lewd comments towards Tamlin. Lucien seems to want me to attend this event whereas Tamlin is adamant about me staying in the house. Lucien and I are taking our usual ride in the forest, pretending to be hunting. 

“Bunny, have you thought of what you’ll be wearing to Calanmai?” a grin spreads across Lucien’s face.

“Tamlin told me to stay out of the festivities” I tried to copy Tamlin’s tone of voice when he told me, “It isn’t the place for a human female.”

Lucien laughs at my attempt to mock the high lord. “That's because he knows what he will do if he catches your scent. I know what I would do to you if it were me performing Calanmai.”

Lucien and his cauldron damned remarks. Bastard. 

He does make me wonder if maybe I should disobey Tamlin’s command. The females cannot stop their gossip about how exciting last year was. 

I must admit, I’m interested. 

⟴

I’ve picked up the habit of eavesdropping on the household staff and I’ve become pretty skilled. Their fae hearing seems to miss my careful footsteps these past couple of days. That or they don’t seem to care. I’ve learned my place among the high and lesser fae. As a human, they don’t care about things I could overhear. Odelia is my favorite staff member to eavesdrop on, she never quite knows when to keep her mouth closed and she is the most nosey as well, always wanting to know and share information.

“Who do you think Tamlin will choose this year for Calanmai? I must admit, I never knew what kind of lover he was until I saw him ravish Genesta last year. She was giggling like a youngling and wouldn’t shut up about it for ages”. The other ladies giggle.

What does she mean lover?

Divva gives Odelia a light smack on the shoulder, “You know Tamlin would never fuck you, stupid”.

Fuck her?

Odelia gives an obnoxious smile to Divva, “It doesn’t mean I can’t fantasize about it. Seeing him inhale that smoke” she purrs, “watching the animal that lies beneath his skin come to life, it's thrilling”.   

I start to feel a little uncomfortable listening to these two. It seems too intimate to think about Tamlin this way. Of course, he is handsome, especially with that mask. I shouldn’t think of him as anyone else besides my captor, I shouldn’t. However, in my dreams I do. I dream of having his hands in my hair,  his lips on my skin, body against mine. The worst part is, that I dream of what he would look like as I’m displayed underneath him.

“Are you alright? You smell… enticing”

I jump back a bit from my spying. “Lucien” I stammer “ what happens during Calanmai?”

“ Bunny” He chuckles. “I was wondering when you were going to ask me that.” He puts his arm around my waist, leading me away from my eavesdropping. My breath quickens as I feel the heat of his body against mine.  “Calanmai or Fire Night is a magical celebration, the crops depend upon the magic in the Great Rite on Fire Night. Each High Lord must perform the Great Rite, which consists of allowing powerful magic to enter their bodies and seize control of them. Causing the High Lord to attempt to find the Maiden and claim her for the night to release magic that will spread through the lands and allow crops to grow until the next Calanmai. In this case, the high lord is Tamlin.” He smirks. 

“Claims?” I ask.

“They have sex,” Lucien says flatly, my cheek burning red. “Maybe, my little bunny you should attend. After all, the spring court is your home and you should know of its traditions. I’ll take you as my guest” He finishes.

I can’t help but notice the way his eyes linger on my face. As his eyes make their way to my body, he licks his lips and smirks. I feel my insides turn and I don’t know if it's fear or excitement. 

⟴

Calanmai has finally come, the palace grounds are bursting with high fae both male and female. I’ve never seen such beautifully dressed people, rich fabrics of all different colors flowing. Back home, these clothes would have been able to buy a mansion or two. Lucien told Alis that I was to attend Calanmai as his guest and that I must be dressed accordingly. I’m dressed in a velvet green skirt that has a slit on the side and a sheer white shirt that hugs my curves and accentuates my chest. Flowers are placed in my hair and it's a wonder how they don’t fall out as I walk. Lucien is standing outside my room waiting. He is dressed similarly to me, velvet green pants. 

Oh cauldron, he’s not wearing a shirt

I forget how to breathe.

He is beautiful to look at, his red hair, his body perfectly toned and full of muscle. A warrior.

He doesn’t speak to me, only grabs my hand and gives me a smirk. The trip to the spring court grounds is overwhelming. Bonfires are lit, thick smoke hangs in the air, music, and dancing. High fae are laughing, kissing, and touching. I grab Lucien’s hand a little tighter as I notice four high fae pleasuring each other, three males and one female. I look away in embarrassment.

“Come on Bunny? Aren't you tempted to watch?” Lucien asks, he has an animalistic smile across his face like he is hungry. Like he is hunting.

I can’t form a coherent response.

Fuck, I might be. 

I’m about to face the group of high fae when I see him.

“Tamlin?” I gasp, my voice so quiet only Lucien can hear. 

Cauldron, he is beautiful. Completely bare for the mother above to see, a god. I can't help the heat that rises to my face as I try to look away. Lucien's hand grabs my face, making me turn my head, another hand holds me close to his body as he whispers. “Look, look at your high lord of the Spring court”.

Heat begins to rise elsewhere. I feel Lucien’s breath on the shell of my ear and it draws my attention back to the high fae before me.

Tamlin draws in a deep breath and lets out a loud sign. “I can smell her, bring her to me.”

Can he smell me?

Lucien begins to move in Tamlin’s direction, walking me forward, his hand on my waist. I would have turned around and gone back to the palace if it wasn’t for the way Tamlin is looking at me. The way Lucien is looking at me. Hungry. Lucien places me in front of Tamlin, his hands on my shoulders, holding me in place.

I have nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, everyone is watching.

The music seems to stop, the high fae now all have their eyes on Tamlin.

On me.

“Your high lord has chosen his maiden, it is time for the celebration to begin.”

At once the high fae begin to cheer, some kiss, and some of the female high fae give me glares of pure jealousy. Their attention finally begins to dwindle away, absorbed in their own lust once again.

Tamlin comes closer to me, his lips brushing my neck. I can’t help the small squeak that I make. “How would you like us? Rumor has it that human females like it rough, that they like to limp home, that they want to cry with pleasure.” He growls.

Us?

Lucien starts to caress my backside as he whispers “Or would you like us to be gentle?”

The two of them?

I want to back away and tell Tamlin to pick another. Lucien seems to sense my thoughts as he turns me around to face him.

“Little bunny, you’re not going anywhere”

He kisses me. Slow and deep, full of desire. His tongue teases my bottom lip. I can’t help but open my mouth to let his tongue in. My body betrays me, no matter how much I want to walk away, I can’t. Not with two perfect males before me. Their excitement showing.

Lucien is the distraction.

I nearly forget about Tamlin before I feel his hands cup the back of my thighs, he lets out a low groan. 

“How does she taste?”

Lucien never leaves my lips, only lets out a low sigh of pleasure that makes Tamlin laugh, and my cheeks flush. Tamlin continues on my thighs, rubbing little circles, closer and closer to my pussy. Heat begins to spread through my body as he finds my clit. I arch my back and let out a small whimper. Low enough that no human could hear, but these are fae males and they hear everything.

“Fuck, she’s eager”

“And who do you think for, My Lord? You or me?”

“ Who do you want, Bunny?” Growels Tamlin.

Both, please let me have both.

I can only give a small nod that makes both the males smile. Their work begins.

Tamlin lets a claw slide from underneath his knuckles and shreds my clothes while Lucien begins to take his pants off. I can't look away from either of them. Both of their cocks are hard, dripping with anticipation.

Dripping for me.

Lucien moves first, his hands on my breasts, kissing my neck lower and lower until he puts my nipple in his mouth and sucks hard. I’ve never felt this pleasure before, I grip his hair and let out a small moan that makes Lucien smile against my chest.

Tamlin moves next, his fingers rubbing my clit before he slips them inside me. “Oh, fuck” Tamlin groans, “She’s tight.” He presses his fingers against a bundle of nerves, moving at a speed that I could never achieve, nor any mortal man. Tamlin places his lips on my neck, making my back arch more into him. Biting my neck, showing that I have been claimed for the night. He pulls his fingers out and I feel my walls close around the emptiness. Before I can tell Tamlin to keep going, that I want it, that I like it, he slips his cock in. 

Fuck he’s big.

The feeling is surreal, Tamlin is able to reach everything, and he begins thrusting into me at a slow pace. It makes my head dizzy, I need him to move faster, to go harder. I must have done something to let Tamlin know what I want. Maybe it's the way I wiggle my body to try and get him to speed up. 

“Bunny, are you impatient? I heard human females have needy cunts.” Lucien murmurs, still giving my breasts the attention they crave. Tamlin seems to understand Lucian's hidden message. He grips my hips pushing my chest forward. I need stability now that I’m bent over completely for Tamlin. I grasp around for anything before my hands land on Lucien. Tamlin quickens his pace until I see stars. I rock my hips to the rhythm. Cauldron he’s big, I’m completely stretched for him as he hits a spot deep inside, over and over relentlessly. 

“Bunny?’ purrs Lucien “I want to see your pretty lips around my cock”

How can I say no?

Between the movements of Tamlin, I grip Lucien’s cock, wrapping my mouth around him, running my tongue up and down the length before drawing my mouth up and bringing it back down. “Oh cauldron” he moans as he begins thrusting his hips to meet my mouth.

I don’t know how much longer the three of us can last. Tamlin pounding into me mercilessly, Lucien’s hand in my hair, guiding my head up and down. It's just a matter of time before one of us breaks first…..

I felt the pressure begin to build which causes my legs to shake. 

I have to take my mouth away from Lucien to catch a breath. “Tamlin I-I’m close, please don’t stop.”

“Never Bunny.” Tamlin purrs as I wrap my lips back around Lucien. Tamlin starts playing with my clit again, rubbing hard and fast circles that cause my muscles to tense. Then I break. My climax pulsing through my body as Tamlin continues to fuck me through the high. 

I feel Lucien twitch in my mouth. “I think I’m going to,” he doesn’t finish his sentence before he releases himself into my mouth. 

That leaves Tamlin left to break, his strokes start to get sloppy, and he lets out an animalistic groan. I feel claws gently rake my back. Finally, he lets go. Not letting any drop of his release be spilled as he thrusts his cock all the way deep into me a final time.

All of us drip with sweat, and both of the males give a chuckle. 

“You did well, Bunny,” says Lucien as Tamlin kisses the back of my neck.

“Next year,” Tamlin says, “I’ll make sure everyone has their eyes on you while we claim you over and over again.” He nips my neck gently before saying. “Next Calanmai, you’ll be begging for us.”

[justafairytailofinnocence]

Hii hope all is well 💜. Can I please request Jack Sparrow being in love headcanon? Thanks if approved! 😊

Hello dear 💖, thanks for your request.

Jack sparrow being in love 😍

This wasn't planned, nor thought out in any sense of emotions.

Jack being in love was something rare.

Sparrow had his ways with women. A corsair of the buccaneers, a Casanova of the seven seas.

Jack had many admirers and lovers; angelica, giselle, and scarlett, esmerelda, even Tia Dalma at one point.

Jack avoided you, and he deceived you. He didn't want to believe he was in love, such a cliche thing, really. A pirate falling for a woman/man/person and they live happily ever after on the pearl.

Jack sparrow hid in the most unusual places, even when you weren't expecting it.

Jack spent nights in tortuga ravishing himself with pretty wenches to take his mind off. But even then, when he came lip to lip with them, he didn't kiss them. Instead his mind thought of you.

He couldn't be in love, he didn't want to. He valued the freedom and the sea. He was committed to the sea and his ship.

Jack spent his days trying to figure out what his feelings were, why he valued you, or rather felt the "weird things" when you were around.

One night Master Gibbs was out with his bottle of rum "a yo ho ho, a pirate's life fo-".

"Psssst, Matser Gibbs" Jack whispered.

"Cap'n, be tha yer? Where ar' yer" Gibbs looked around the main deck.

Master Gibbs walked up to a bunch of cargo with a big barrell.

Gibbs looked inside the barrell to see Jack, hidden inside.

"Did they see me?" Jack's pupils turned left and right.

"What's wrong Jack, why ar' ya hidin', who ar' ya hiding from" Gibbs asked.

"Is it tha' kraken? As Jones spotted our ship, Gibbs looked worriedly.

"No mate, even worse than that," Jack stood up from the barrell.

"Her?/him?/them?" He whispered.

"Her?/him?/them?" Gibbs replied.

"The lass/lad/y/n," Jack muttered.

"The lass?/the lad?/y/n?" Gibbs questioned further.

Gibbs soon caught on to who Jack meant. "Ye mean, y/n, the landlubber."

"Ohhh, ar' they a spy from tha navy." Gibbs tried to realise,"I knew it, Jack, tha's why I said I didn't trust them from the moment they first docked."

"I've been having these," he gestures with his hands. "Things."

"Wha-what sort o' thins, ave' ye caught scurvy?" Gibbs still couldn't make sense of what Jack meant.

"You know, things, things that make you feel... funny," he couldn't make into words. How could he? It's not like Jack's ever felt this way before.

"So yer feel funny when ye see--ohhh Jack" Gibbs realised finally what was going on.

"Are ye, in love?" Gibbs smiled. "Aye I remember the first time I be tha way, and let me tell yer, she was a fine lass, one I couldn't forget".

"Turned out tha next mornin', I couldnt find er'-- or rather, she wasn't even human, Aye, Turned out ta be but a sack o' oranges" Gibbs rambled about his drunken tale.

Jack got out of the barrell and took Master Gibbs's rum and swung it down his gullet.

"Aye, I remembered that, bieleved that sack was named sally or martha, hm, also that night I do recall nearly losing a finger or two from that wager, was worth it though, got that map in the end" Jack explained.

"Aye, Is that how we ended up cursed" Gibbs leaned against the big oak railing of the main deck.

"The pearl's already cursed mate, I'm just the captain of it" Jack threw the rum over board.

"So whaddya gonna tell er/im/em then" Master Gibbs asked.

"I'll do em one better, ill set them off at some fancy port and they can tell their friends of how a devlelish, delightful captain Jack Sparrow saved them from the clutches of a bunch of rutheless scoundrels" Jack agreed.

"Now that sounds like a tale to behold, don't it?" Jack smiled.

"Jack, ye can't just abandon tha poor thing" Gibbs sympathised.

"Ye did that already--on an island" Gibbs recalled.

"Jack" a woman/man/person called from the distance.

Jack gestured with his hands for Gibbs to move.

"You never saw me, savvy?" Jack scurried away.

Jack would be like this for a while but eventually you would confront him about why he was acting strang-er.

Jack would come clean and admit "the world's a funny place innit darlin, things I can't explain between you and I, happens from me always wondering about you, wondering in Tortuga, wondering when I drink rum, wondering about these...things". He continued with a smile, "Things for you mate".

"Hm, does sound a bit cliche to say 'I love you' don't it" Jack places his first finger on his chin.

Jack leaned toward you "Hmmm, how about rather, your enduring, I can't figure out why I'm besotted to you"

"Suppose it ain't gonna sound cliche to say--" he admitted. "I loved you mate, I always have, I always will".

You blushed with astonishment. You had no idea yet it made sense for Jack's behaviour recently.

You could kiss him, and that would be that. You could marry him, and that's the end of your love story. You could sail with him, entailing the fantasy of many countless women, men, or anyone with pirates--or--rather.

You chose to endure the freedom as Jack did, being two souls that understood each other when no one else did.

A rather more passionate romance then the tales of Will and Elizabeth.

Jack was no fool when he was in love. A legendary captain like him would grant you protection.

Though for Jack, would it truly be the end? No, of course not, it only means another chapter is written in the tales of the captain.

Anyways that's all I have for now:

Ta Ta ✨️

[strawsojuberry]

[obssessive]

[meiliarotten]

Team Fortress 2 Kinktober Time

Day 23: Under Control (Pegging)

🔞MINORS DNI🔞

Pairings: Spy x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spy gets taken down a peg (ha) after you gain some confidence with a strap

Tags: Pegging, edging, dom/sub

Word Count: 2k

The Masterlist

You kissed your way down Spy’s neck, earning short little moans of appreciation. The glow from a few candles and the light of the moon shining through a far off window was all that illuminated the room. You cupped a hand over Spy’s cheek, turning his flushed face to you in order to press your lips to his. He moaned against your mouth as he continued to prepare, thrusting his fingers into himself. He was already making such nice sounds for you.

“I believe I am ready, darling.” Spy leaned over to whisper in your ear, and his words made you pause your endeavor of marking up his neck. You pulled further away to look at him. A few bruises were already blooming on his skin. He laid back on the bed before you, so ready to submit. Your hand unconsciously went to the strap on you wore, feeling the smooth silicon attached to you by a well fitted harness, which Spy had thankfully helped you put on after you struggled with the buckles for a solid ten minutes.

He had been the one to suggest this in the first place. It was just a few days ago, and at the time you had eagerly agreed. But now, as you climbed atop him, nerves were beginning to get the better of you. You hesitated, glancing around nervously, unsure of what exactly to say or do next.

“What’s wrong, my dear?” Spy asked, noticing your worried expression.

“I guess I’m scared of messing this up,” you confessed, your face reddening slightly. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

A hand came up to brush against your cheek. You looked down at Spy, who offered a reassuring smile. “You will do just fine, mon amour. I’ve thoroughly prepared myself, so I won’t get hurt. And of course, we have this.”

He gestured towards the nightstand, where a small bottle of lube sat. You nodded, letting his words build up your confidence once again.

“Well, I suppose you are the expert when it comes to things like this,” you admitted, leaning over the bed and reaching for the lube. The cap opened with a rather loud pop.

“Deep breaths, darling. You can do this.” Spy said, watching you as you poured lube liberally onto the palm of your hand, using it to slick up the strap on.

“Think this is enough?” You asked, closing the bottle and setting it back on the nightstand.

“Yes, that should be sufficient. Now…” Spy spread his legs a bit, clearly tempting you closer with the lewd display. “Baise moi, s’il te plait.”

You managed to control the blush rising in your cheeks as you situated yourself between his thighs. You lined yourself up, and finally began to push in. Things went slowly at first, and you entered at a gradual pace until you were in to the hilt. At that point you paused to look at Spy for approval.

“Very good, my love,” he said, sounding quite pleased with the progress so far. He shuddered as he adjusted to the feeling. “Now, start moving slowly, find your rhythm.”

You nodded, proceeding with caution, gauging Spy’s reaction to your every move. It was awkward at first, but soon you became more sure of yourself, establishing an even pace. Spy squirmed beneath you, sighing softly as he laid back and let you ravish him.

“I take it I’m doing well?” You asked, grinning at the sight beneath you.

“Oui, darling,” Spy moaned, grasping your waist as you thrust firmly, but gently into him. His hands traveled upwards until he could wrap his arms around your shoulders. “That’s good mon amour, but you don’t have to be so gentle with me.”

Again, you hesitated. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m not going to break, my dear.” Spy pulled you closer and his lips captured yours in a short kiss, assuaging your nerves somewhat. “However, perhaps this will encourage you to be a bit more rough?”

A devious grin spread across Spy’s face, and before you could ask what he meant, he had retrieved a small remote control from beneath his pillow. A button was pressed and your breath hitched when you felt the strap on begin to vibrate. You let out a harsh moan as the base pressed perfectly against your clit. Spy gasped when you jerked your hips forward, spurred on by the sensation.

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry!” You scrambled to apologize for the sudden movement.

“Non, darling! Please, keep going!” Spy said, his tone shifting into something far more desperate than before. Oh, he did sound quite nice with that tone of voice. Any remaining hesitancy began to fade away. That vibration did feel really good, and you were more than eager to chase it.

You began thrusting harder, still gauging Spy’s reactions carefully at first. This time though, the moment you were sure that he was enjoying himself, you began to let go a bit, allowing yourself to indulge in earnest. You moaned as you began to lose yourself in the sensations, letting the vibrations send shockwaves of pleasure through your body.

A sudden change of angle led to you hitting a very good spot. It was evident by the way that Spy arched off the mattress, eyes rolling back, moaning especially loud. It was quite the sight, and you immediately wanted to see more. Between the way Spy writhed beneath you, and how heavenly the vibration felt against your clit, any hesitancy you had harbored almost completely disappeared.

Spy was quite impressed. He hadn’t expected you to become so confident so soon, and he certainly wasn’t complaining. He probably would have offered up some praise, if it weren’t for the fact that every thrust of your hips rendered him unable to do anything other than cry out in pleasure.

“Oh fuck, yes!” You gasped suddenly, your hips stuttering as your orgasm overtook you with little warning. You stilled in order to let yourself ride out the high, the vibration never ceasing, even as you came down from your climax.

You stayed there, panting for several moments until you realized, with some embarrassment, that Spy hadn’t finished yet. He was still trembling beneath you, hands clutching the bedsheets in tight fists, barely able to say a coherent word. Unbeknownst to you, you were still pressed right against his prostate, where the vibration now tortured him to no end.

The normally well-put together man had become a shaky, moaning mess beneath you. He looked so painfully hard, his cock leaking precum onto his stomach as you buried the strap deep within him. You let out a shaky sigh, surprised at how quickly your arousal was renewed by that sight alone. After a couple more moments of gasping and begging, it occurred to you that Spy may not be able to finish from prostate stimulation alone. You could certainly have fun with that.

“I’m not done with you yet,” you said, a wicked grin spreading across your face. You began thrusting again, powering through the overstimulation. Leaning over Spy, you took hold of his wrists, pinning them beside his head and adding an element of restraint to the mix.

In any other situation, Spy probably would have been able to break free of your hold, but he was far too lost in a haze of desperation to do anything about it as of now. Or perhaps he wanted to be controlled by you. Whatever the reason, you were allowed to overpower him for now, and you enjoyed every moment of it.

“Oh mon Dieu! Please my dear! S'il te plait mon amour, touchez moi!” A dizzying blend of French and English poured from Spy’s lips. While you struggled to understand most of it, you could easily recognize the tone of someone begging for release, no matter what language they were speaking.

Now that you had become keenly aware of where his sweet spot was, you made a point to aim there, thrusting and grinding interchangeably to create an intoxicating blend of sensations. You could do this forever, but you also felt your second orgasm already building, and you weren’t sure you would be able to handle any more overstimulation after that.

Still, you endured. You held back and continued pounding into Spy. His cock twitched as you leaned over him, so desperate for the stimulation that you continued to deny him. You were effectively keeping him right on the edge of orgasm, and you had never felt so in control. It was an incredibly rewarding, almost high-like feeling, and you used it as your motivation to keep going for as long as possible.

“Je suis près! Touch me, my darling, please!” Spy’s desperate pleas finally formed into a few short coherent sentences. As your own orgasm threatened to overtake you, you finally decided that Spy had been teased enough. You reached down, trailing your palm down Spy’s chest and stomach before finally dipping low enough to stroke his cock. At this point, it only took a few firm strokes to push him over the edge that you had been keeping him on for so long.

Spy clutched at the sheets beneath him, his body jerking harshly as he finally came. You chuckled as you watched him spill over your hand and onto his own torso with an intense moan. Those moans persisted for several moments before ebbing away and turning to soft gasps as the waves of ecstasy faded into smaller and smaller aftershocks.

You continued to grind until you brought about your own climax as well. The vibration intensified every sensation, at first immensely pleasurable, then overwhelming, then borderline uncomfortable. You pulled out with a whimper, fumbling with the straps of the harness until the strap on finally fell away, relieving you of the overstimulation and leaving you with just the pleasant afterglow of such an intense orgasm. You collapsed next to him, a satisfied grin on your face. Resting a hand on Spy’s rapidly rising and falling chest, you noticed that he was still quivering.

“Are you alright?” You asked, a bit concerned that you may have gone too far. However your worries were soon quenched when Spy responded with an enthusiastic nod. He threw an arm over your shoulders, holding you close to his body. The soothing rhythm of his breathing and heartbeat threatened to lull you to sleep, but you merely rested your eyes. You knew that Spy would probably insist on a shower once he regained the strength to stand, and honestly, the promise of hot cascading water and steam sounded quite nice.

You heard Spy begin to chuckle softly to himself, feeling the rhythm of laughter in his chest, which you were currently resting your head on. You opened your eyes, fixing him with an inquisitive look.

“You enjoyed seeing me so helpless beneath you, didn’t you, darling?” He asked.

“Yeah,” you whispered in an almost shy manner. It was ironic, given how bold you were during the actual act of pinning Spy down and making him beg for release.

“You managed to surprise me. I’m quite impressed,” he admitted.

You smiled, practically swelling with pride. Spy held you closer, his arm now hooking around your waist firmly. He pulled you in for a surprisingly deep kiss. You threw a leg over him, trying to pull yourself impossibly closer. Spy was the first to break the kiss, leaning down to whisper in your ear.

“Of course, this means I simply must find a way to make you just as unbearably desperate as I was.” A wicked grin spread across his face, which was still a bit flushed. “It’s only fair, right chérie?”

You shivered, anticipation sending jolts of excitement throughout your still sensitive nerves. He rolled atop of you, wasting no time pressing your wrists against the mattress just as you had done to him. You were amazed at how quickly he had regained his strength, and even though you were still so over sensitive, you couldn’t deny that you were looking forward to what he had in store for the rest of the night.

[romanoffsbish]

Happy Feet

Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader

Requested by: @mostlymarvelsstuff

Sunshine/Grumpy Prompts

“No, no, please don't look sad. I can't handle that.”

“Will you dance with me? Please, pretty please!”

Tony Stark was akin to royalty amongst the commoners, it shown on their stupid smiley faces as he perused about his party. To you though, the only royal thing the billionaire was, was a pain in the ass. If he's not always needing you to heal him with your powers he's forcing you into skimpy outfits for parties thrown with the sole purpose of stroking his massive ego.

This morning you'd woken up in a good mood, and the breakfast that Wanda made and then shared with you only served to make it better. You felt like you were on cloud nine after leaving the kitchen, and it lasted up until you had made it back to your room. The petty note on your door reading out: "Wear this or find a new place to live.," made you want to hurt someone—Tony—in complete opposition to your bodies trained capabilities. Then to add insult to injury the jackass played upon those powers by leaving you a "sexy nurse" costume.

—————

—————

So, when you finally made it to the party you were already in a sour mood, and just the sight of his cocky smirk had you ready to pounce but your best friend—the ever knowing spy—was two steps ahead of you., "Well don't you look positively ravishing.," she teases while forcing a mixed drink into your empty hands., "I know what you're doing Nat, and I want you to know you're only postponing the inevitable."

The redhead quirked a brow at you in search of elaboration., "Upon the witching hour the powers at be that fuel me require a sacrifice, and it will be Tony who graciously takes that spot.," the redhead laughs at your words, and the slight quirk of your lips as you sip your drink tells her that you were indeed joking., "Call me if it gets too messy will you?," she muses while going to leave, but she stops to whisper in your ear., "The hot witch at your six isn't even hiding her want—don't waste the night being a brooding healer, like a total walking contradiction.," and with a parting wink and evasion of your fist the redhead runs off to find the Shego—Maria—to her Kim.

You huffed, shaking off the need to turn and face the women of your dreams to see if Nat was telling the truth—you knew she was, but Wanda was just far too good for you, and in your current state you'd just bring her down. Wanda frowned when she saw you walk the opposite way towards the bar, and if not for the sudden emergence of Tony and his following men with suits she'd have followed you.

The music was too loud, your outfit too tight, and the capacity for your forced niceties was at an all time low as you sat alone on this couch. Bored eyes traveling the expanse of the room to find your fellow Avengers doing their parts, flawlessly even with their beaming smiles and soft tones as they engaged with the crowd, and if like clockwork your eyes made their way back over to the gorgeous Sokovian woman.

Wanda was stood their engaged in what looked to be a riveting conversation with one of the many rich patrons, but you could see just how much she wanted to escape the interaction. You had even considered interrupting them, but then you shared a quick glance with Natasha and her knowing smirk convinced you that the couch was surely the safest bet.

After another three men tried and failed to use the Halloween gala as a means to pick her up Wanda was actually beyond fed up. All she wanted to do tonight was to be with you, she even bought snacks and rented movies, but then Tony had to go an throw a last minute party. Then there’s been your evasions, her gaze has yet to be able to catch yours even when she knows it was you who’d been staring, and the one time she got close enough you were conveniently going to top off your drink.

With the use of her powers she quickly readjusts this silly man’s route, then she uses the lack of barriers as a way to get to you, and this time you’re too busy pouting with an arm over your face to notice her approaching. Heels clicking against the linoleum is to be expected, but being an Avenger and a night owl you’ve grown pretty aware of all your teammates foot patterings. You sighed upon realizing Wanda was hastily making her way to you, and you knew with the force that her feet hit the ground that running would be a really bad call.

Once she was stood before you the soft smell of the woods infiltrated your nostrils, and so you slightly lifted your arm to get a peek at her. Beautiful was all your mind could scream, and it took everything for Wanda not to smile, too afraid to let you know she could hear them. The costume she chose was simple enough, but you knew it meant the world to her to get in touch with her roots, and fortunately for you she looked rather beautiful while doing it.

You cracked a small smile at the witch who’s eyes had yet to stop studying you, she just couldn’t get enough of your beauty—you were a total work of art to her, and this outfit you were wearing was nothing short of stunning. It was just a bit of a shock for her to see since you live exclusively in baggie hoodies and ripped jeans. She loves you just the same in that way, but she also can’t pretend that being able to see you in such a way doesn’t leave her wanting more.

That smile of yours also had her heart skipping a beat since it was the only one you’d cracked tonight, and it is what gave her the confidence to speak., "Will you dance with me? Please, pretty please!.," Wanda pleaded with a hopeful smile, she knows it's a long shot but she's taking it anyways with her hand outstretched., "Wands, you know I can't dance.," you immediately rebut and her shoulders fall and a pout takes the place of her once beaming smile., "No, no, please don't look sad. I can't handle that."

Inwardly she feels the urge to chuckle at the way you whine like a child, but if she wants to get her way she has to play up the sadness., “Nobody’s wanted to dance with me.,” she dramatically lies and you look up at her with eyes that know the truth., “Yeah right Wands, you mean to tell me that all of those drooling men were talking to you about how to make the world a better place?,” she smiles innocently to keep up appearances, but really her happiness is stemming from the jealousy lacing your tone.

“Detka, I meant to say nobody that matters.,” your heart melted at her sweet confession, and without another moment wasted you took her extended hand, allowing her to pull you out of the dented couch and onto the dance floor., “Better not make me regret this witchy.,” she giggled at your baseless threat while she not so innocently pulled your front flush to hers, her lips laid a gentle kiss to your cheek before she was settling her face against your chest, and you prayed to the heavens above that she did not feel your heart beating irregularly.

The songs were fast, but being in your own world with the witch your movements were anything but, Wanda’s hands on your hips helping to keep the dancing tempered., “Wanda, honey, if you wanted to cuddle all you had to do was ask—we can even slip out now.,” she quietly gasps when she sees you caught onto her motives with the slow dancing to rave music., “Would you really do that though?,” she asks with a nervous voice, and you’re not sure why she’s feeling so insecure, but you know it’s up to you to settle her silly fears.

“Oh Wanda, I’d literally do anything for you.,” you softly admit while looking into the soft emerald eyes that were already staring at you, your anxiety instantly gone when she smiles., “Yeah?,” she asks, her lip catching between her teeth as she awaits your response, you nodded dumbly as the gravity of the moment rendered you speechless., “Then you can start by being mine Y/N.,” you smiled widely before leaning in to peck her lips., “I’ve always been yours.”

Wanda’s lips surge forward to close the gap, as minuscule as it was it still bothered her a lot, and your soft confession made her need for you almost unbearable. Seeing as how she never wanted the moment to end her hands that were already on your lower back pulled you in until you’re completely flush against her, and once you are one slides up to tangle into your hair to keep your lips on hers. Forgetting the fact that the space around you was bustling with partygoers your lips began to trail down her jaw when she could no longer hold the kiss.

Wanda was panting while you left behind the marks you’d always wanted to see her littered with., “Detka—I pro—fuck.,” you smirk against her soft skin, feeling a twinge amused at her inability to speak, but mostly you felt proud., “Go on.,” you lightly teased, pulling away and chuckling lowly when she whined at the loss of your lips on her skin., “I—.,” she pauses and you find her sudden shyness to be adorable., “Detka, I promise you that I will protect your heart for the rest of my days…,” any urge to tease her went out the window as you looked into her glossy eyes that held only truth., “I’ve seen the way others have mishandled you, and I vow to be the one who’ll heal your heart.,” she continues on with a strong conviction.

With the hand on your head she pulled your sweet face into her chest, and you couldn’t contain your tears anymore as your body warms at her promises of unconditional love., “Going to put my healer back together one day at a time.,” she sighs softly when she feels the way you smile against her chest., “I love you Wands.,” and at that she feels a tear run down her cheek, the words she’d always wanted to hear from you finally holding their truest meaning., “I love you too my grumpy girl.”

———

1,776 Words

❤️ Kaitlyn 💃

[shaisuki]

If you like yandere male lead/chubby reader then I recommend you the author/artist "Umekoppe", you can read her works on Batoto.

https://mto.to/series/145113/the-spy-who-ravished-me-reborn-as-a-mafia-princess-in-a-deadly-game

The female character is not really chubby, but she got a quite realistic body (kinda ig?).

cause nonnie, damn. makes me want to write similar to it and i kinda wished i'm not piled with the other requests cause it's really good. i read the first pages and holy s—.

you give me the best recommendations, nonnie.

[dwreader]

A Meal to Remember by @iwtvfanevents

Part 3: If this fic doesn’t update soon I will dieeeee (aka WIPs)

1. Hold me tight and fear me not by boltcutters - louis as a fairytale girl protagonist, lesat as the scary man in the woods who ravishes him, armand is also there I’m not sure why yet but yay.

2. See-through by verseau - I need to know what happens next in the saga of louyonce, jaystat, claudia ivy and co!! I’ve never even watched the voice but I would in this au.

3. Ruthless in love by themasterletters - you are reading this already, your mom is also reading this fic, you are fighting each other in toni’s inbox, we are all obsessed with it, we are all rooting for Louis to homewreck every relationship ever.

4. A holy love by dirtygoldensoul- loumand sexy spy au!!!!! Louis femme fatale secret agent and Armand criminal mastermind, they’re past lovers who aren’t over each other. loumand girlies are winning!

5. Like a heathen clung to the homily by thelioncourts- the last chapter featured my absolute favorite Louis/Jonah writing, there’s a super intriguing set up that I can’t wait for the payoff on.

6. Beautiful liars by dirtygoldensoul - cruel intentions au with step siblings lesmand and sweet innocent mark louis. love this concept and its translated so perfectly to these characters.

7. i am in love with him (i gut him as i say it) by vampdf - canonverse post-s1 loumand and claudia ongoing fic that feels SOOO true to show canon.. the chapter of claudia’s diaries I don’t think the show could do any better!

8. wolfsbane by themasterletters- medieval feudal lord loumandstat?? sign me up. louis hasn’t been introduced yet but when it happens I’m popping champagne.

9. Backslide by emofujoshi- this is such a hilarious and insane human au where rockstar lestat stalks college student louis and is all around crazy in the best way. also the background loumand dynamic kills me.

[sshbpodcast]

Character Spotlight: Garak

By Ames

No one here but us plain, simple tailors this week on A Star to Steer Her By. We’re finally scrutinizing fan-favorite recurring character Garak, who’s definitely more complex and nuanced than even some main characters we’ve discussed before. As we assembled our classic Best and Worst Moments lists, we found that Garak has the most moments that somehow end up in both. That’s how morally (and physically) grey this guy is.

So let’s get our measurements taken as we spotlight DS9’s resident Cardassian spy, played so stunningly by Andrew Robinson (have you read his book yet? It’s amazing). Scroll on below or decode some ciphers with us on this week’s podcast discussion (jump over to 48:23). Of all the moments we’re spotlighting, which are the best and which are the worst? My dear reader, they’re all best moments. Even the worst moments? Especially the worst moments.

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

Best moments

Let us haggle Our very first introduction to Garak in “Past Prologue” sets him up as mysterious, sneaky, and downright sassy. It’s always nebulous just how far his covert information extends versus how much he’s ever just toying with Julian, but in this early episode, he helps the doctor uncover some shady dealings that the Bajoran terrorist Tahna Los has been engaging in. And it’s delightful.

Schemes within schemes Garak and Bashir team up again in the season two “Cardassians,” in which Garak sees through decades’ worth of Cardassian scheming (the best kind of scheming) to expose Dukat’s war orphan plot. The details are convoluted and Rube Goldbergy, but the tailor puts together all the pieces and concludes that Dukat is looking to undermine Gul Pa'Dar, some-freakin’-how.

Personally, I find this style a bit too radical Listening to Garak’s smoothtalking is always extra fun because he’s always saying more than is just on the surface. Even when he doesn’t have to! In his own way, he warns Quark that Natima Lang is in danger in “Profit and Loss.” By the end of the episode, he goes so far as to shoot Toran, saving Quark’s lady love and her students before they go “out of fashion.”

My best friend, Elim The first episode to appear on both lists is “The Wire” because it’s just so Garak. While he never tells Bashir the truth once, he’s at his most vulnerable when he’s telling his various Elim stories. In his own Cardassian way, he connects with his dear doctor and expresses things about himself that, though not empirically true, are him at his most real. And the shippers rejoice.

Major, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you looking so ravishing We give Major Kira major props for her role in the stunning “Second Skin,” but Garak plays a large part as well. When Kira and Ghemor’s backs are up against the wall, Garak comes through for the DS9 crew. And like when he killed Toran in “Profit and Loss,” he’s able to put his Cardassian patriotism aside to kill the hell out of Entek and quip about it at the same time.

The spy who loved me It’s no wonder people ship Bashir and Garak so much when there are episodes like “Our Man Bashir” to fan the fires. And when things go awry in the holodeck, Garak is able to quip his way through the Bond-style holoprogram that they find themselves trapped in, all the while mocking what Julian seems to think the spy world is actually like. And he pulls off a tux pretty well too!

Excuse me, my dungeon awaits So many times that Garak saved the day have seemed to just be convenient for the character, but he’s especially heroic in “By Inferno’s Light.” He fights through his fears to go into the claustrophobia closet in the Jem’Hadar prison and remote into the waiting shuttle. Without Garak doing what needed to be done, surely the Jem’Hadar would have killed them all.

I promise you I will come back While the relationship between Garak and Ziyal always seemed kind of one-sided to us, we must admit that it was good for both characters to have someone whom they could relate to on the station. We see between “In Purgatory’s Shadow” and “By Inferno’s Light” that they care about each other, though sadly Garak never understands why before her untimely death.

A very messy, very bloody business Another episode that belongs on both lists is “In the Pale Moonlight.” We already gave Sisko some guff for this one, so let’s start off by being impressed by the layers of Cardassian scheming Garak does. Sure, it’s unethical and kind of monstrous, but it’s also a thing of beauty watching all the pieces of Garak’s plan come together to trick the Romulans into getting into the war. Not only can he live with it, but he sleeps like a baby.

Alan Turing, eat your heart out Garak uses some of his Obsidian Order talents to do some code breaking for the Federation in “Afterimage.” His arc in the final season of DS9 is a hell of a journey because he knows the work he’s doing for Sisko and crew will hurt the Cardassia he loves, but he also knows it’ll be for the best in the end to rid the quadrant of the Dominion so they can start rebuilding.

We might have a revolution on our hands Speaking of the Cardassia that Garak loves, he joins Damar and Kira’s little resistance in “The Dogs of War” and goes down to the planet to incite a revolution against the Dominion. When even Damar has opened his eyes to the atrocities the Founders are commiting in the Alpha Quadrant, then you know that it’s got to be something worth fighting for.

The last Weyoun In the siege of Cardassia Prime in “What You Leave Behind,” Garak gets to be the one to shoot Weyoun 8 after the two chirp at each other first. Turns out this is the last of the Weyoun clones, which Garak has firmly put to rest as the Federation ousts the Dominion forces from Cardassia. Garak’s story finally complete, his exile has ended in time to return to the ashes.

—

Worst moments

Nothing to look forward to but having lunch with you We’ll also see later in the series that Garak isn’t one to prioritize his mental health, so his abuse of his feel-good wire in the titular “The Wire” portrays how bad he is at taking care of himself or getting help when he is at his lowest points. When he attacks his friend and doctor when he’s going through withdrawal, you just wanna see him get better because this isn’t healthy, Garak.

Initiating counterinsurgency program level four Though Garak apparently has access codes that no doubt Sisko revoked after “Civil Defense,” he still utterly fails to stop the station’s counterinsurgency program from locking out the Starfleet personnel. In fact, per the “Attention Bajoran Workers” protocol, he’s made things that much worse by insisting they have to shut down life support only for a laser ball to replicate in Ops.

You can’t waterboard a goo It’s hardest for us to forgive Garak from ruthlessly torturing Odo in “The Die Is Cast” just to get back in the good graces of Daddy Tain… but we’ll probably do so anyway. We see just what Garak is capable of with these glimpses into his Obsidian Order past. We can absolutely easily picture how he could torment someone with just his unblinking stare. His eyes. HIS EYES!

But have you considered… murder? I may have found it adorable for Garak and Bashir to play spies in “Our Man Bashir,” but he has no idea how holoprograms work. Garak is so fast to jump to the conclusion that they kill everyone that it leaves one’s head spinning. This isn’t real-life spying, Garak. This is Julian’s sexy adventure, so of course the answer is seduction, not murder, and you should’ve known that.

Is this a date or an assassination? Ziyal is looking for company and invites Garak to sunbathe on rocks like the lizards they are… and Garak spends the whole of “For the Cause” caught up in highschool drama of what Ziyal’s inventions are. Does she like him or LIKE him? Or does she just want to lure him in to present his head to her father later? It’s all below Garak, frankly, when he could just, I dunno, talk to her.

Something swift and painless and preferably bloodless I gave Quark most of the stink for this one, but I can’t let Garak off the hook either. It’s a complete missed opportunity for “Body Parts” to necessitate Quark asking Garak to assassinate him when instead he could have enrolled Garak into some even more nefarious scheme. Garak himself should have suggested faking Quark’s death and it would have been excellent.

They’re dead. You’re dead. Cardassia is dead. I always found Garak’s plan in “Broken Link” to be tenuous at best and contrived at worst. He tags along to the Gamma Quadrant for seemingly no reason, then it turns out he wants to ask the Founders if any of the Cardassians from “The Die Is Cast” are still alive (a possibility never alluded to before), then he straight up tries to destroy the Founders’ planet until Worf beats him into submission. Huh?

It looks like I’ve captured your last piece, Chief The pretty decent horror episode “Empok Nor” has got a lot going for it, but every single time they made the kotra metaphor more and more blatant, I started checking out. Dear writers, your metaphor stood on its own without you announcing it twenty-five times. Have a little confidence that your themes are working because it was a good one… until it wasn’t.

Do you feel lucky? Do ya, Chief? But that is far from the worst thing Garak does in “Empok Nor.” The psychotropic drug is mostly at fault here, but that doesn’t mean Garak feels completely innocent. He straight up murders the Cardassian sleeper guards AND crewman Amaro in cold blood, and then kidnaps and threatens Nog so he can get at the Chief, taunting him like a serial killer the whole time.

Star-crossed lizards The sweet friendship Garak strikes up with Ziyal belongs on our good list for sure, but frankly the romance between them never quite gelled for us. We see in “Call to Arms” that they kiss goodbye when she flees the station before the Dominion swoops in, and it just feels… unearned? Garak admits in “Sacrifice of Angels” that he doesn’t know what that was all about, and neither do we.

When the devil asks you to dance, you say yes I may have marveled at Garak’s precarious plan in “In the Pale Moonlight,” but that doesn’t mean I condone any of it. Even the writers make it clear in Sisko’s actions that he finds it reprehensible how many casualties there were to pull it off: the cold-blooded murder of Vreenak (and his innocent guards!), the assassination of Grathon Tolar, the deaths of literally all of Garak’s contacts. This one’s on Sisko’s list too of course, but he at least knows it’s wrong.

You’re not worthy of the name Dax One final episode that’s on both lists. Classic Garak, playing both sides. In this case, it’s more evidence that Garak does not seem to value his mental health because, when he’s suffering panic attacks and more claustrophobia in “Afterimage,” the first thing he does is lash out at his therapist, Ezri Dax, who certainly doesn’t deserve it! The poor thing.

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Well I hope we got in some cutting remarks about the good tailor of Deep Space Nine. Next week we’ve got another frequent guest star of the station to spotlight: Keiko O’Brien! Stay tuned for that while also tuning in every week as we venture through Enterprise over on SoundCloud or wherever you podcast. You can also quip with us over on Facebook and Twitter, and remember: the truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.