#the thing is i know the terminology as a transgender myself but also am always focusing on something else

[scriptlgbt]

What would pregnancy symptoms be in an trans guy who is on T? How can my character find out he's pregnant because the main sign of missed periods doesn't exist? Might other signs differ? I can only find info on trans guy pregnancies when they want to get pregnant and they stop T and go for fertility treatments.

I've had to do some research myself on this. We've been asked a number of questions about this before, so I'm going to give general information as well as do my best to answer your questions.

I've found this quote from this survey-based study, in reference to the experiences of their sample size (which was relatively small tbh). Please note their survey only interviewed trans men who came into their identity prior to pregnancy. And in general, I highly recommend reading the full report (it's all free at the link) because it provides a lot of really useful information on this. Including terminology, which we're asked about all the time. For example, some trans men referred to pregnancy as "heavy time" or referred to themselves as "gestational parents" or "carriers" along with "dad" and others. There were also some questions about the general experience of pregnancy for trans men.

Nearly half of the transgender men who had not used testosterone had an unplanned pregnancy, a proportion comparable to that of the U.S. population. Comparatively, one fourth of those previously on testosterone had unplanned pregnancies. By design this study cannot speak to incidence or prevalence of unplanned pregnancies among transgender men. However, given the financial burden and risk of increased morbidity from unintended pregnancy as well as the contraindication of testosterone use during pregnancy, these findings suggest a potential unmet need for contraceptive services for transgender men.

I also want to mention that as a general thing, people on hormones long-term are recommended to get bloodwork done around once a year to check a variety of things. I have other issues so I usually test more broadly, but my iron and B12 levels get checked, cholesterol, my kidney function. Often, a part of this experience, for me anyway, is pee tests. I believe the last few times I did it they were testing for something else besides pregnancy, but there were a few times when getting it re-prescribed (switching from patches to injections) where it was for pregnancy. I think it's possible someone could just tack it on to their requisition.

Here's also a thing from Planned Parenthood's Tumblr about pee stick tests:

Pregnancy tests only test for the presence of a specific hormone in the body: Human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG). HCG is a hormone that’s produced after a fertilized egg has implanted into the wall of the uterus. So taking “T” will not interfere with pregnancy tests.

If a trans man gets a positive pregnancy test, he should talk to his health care provider about his options, as testosterone could have an effect on the pregnancy.

As for your question, here is an article written by a trans man who became pregnant while on testosterone, (BIG TW: framing abortion as "killing" a baby, by the author) and here's an excerpt that's relevant to your question specifically.

Line breaks added for accessibility.

Despite being on testosterone, and taking a testosterone safe form of birth control, I was/am in fact, pregnant. It was a complete shock to me. And not only am I pregnant, but I am also already (now) 5 months along, and hadn't even realized it.

The morning sickness was very brief and masked by food poisoning and the fact that it wasn't unusual even before this for me to get nauseous now and then for different reasons. I never had the strongest stomach.

And as far as other common symptoms, I did have some of them but they were spread out and random, and most were things I also dealt with normally just because my body is the way it is, and having never really looked up symptoms of pregnancy, I had no idea that the symptoms were in any way connected either.

Being on testosterone meant that I had no monthly cycle to keep track of, at least not that I had physical signs of, so I had no way of knowing I had "missed" anything. It was only when I started getting later symptoms of pregnancy as I got further along, that made me wonder enough to take a test. And lo and behold, positive.

I want to mention that later on in the article he mentioned the pregnancy was totally healthy and fine despite having taken testosterone up until then.

That isn't the case for everyone though, and it's not always due to testosterone. I'm not going to quote it, because the specifics and descriptions could be triggering for some. But this is an article which describes an instance where a stillbirth occurred after a trans man's labour symptoms were not taken as urgently as a woman's would have been. (It was evident from the article that the lack of urgent enough care is what caused it.)

I also know, in one of the articles I read (I can't remember which, maybe the first one?) that trans people who carry a pregnancy are much more likely to opt for non-traditional birthing situations (ie outside of a hospital, like with a doula or something) in order to avoid discrimination.

- mod nat

[fereldenturnip]

rando trans thoughts

My own personal Trans Story, feel free to scroll past!

I often see a lot of positivity posts trying to explain being transgender through wholesome analogies. I like them! I feel warm and squishy when I read them! I even share them with the friends I’m out with and they share some more back!

But there’s also this component to a lot of them that somewhat, er, chafes me. It’s the common notion that ALL trans know they’re trans at the earliest age possible. No ifs, ands, or buts.  How accurate is that though? It borders an ideology I’m uncomfortable entertaining, least of all because it has the potential to isolate those curious or anxious about their own identity.

“If I didn’t have a solid belief I was born in the wrong body, than it’s impossible I’m trans, right??” 

I don’t believe that. It’s super splendid if that was the case for you! To be that sure of yourself is a marvelous thing and I don’t want those people to ever minimize their self-belief. But I personally struggled with my identity in the world, and I know plenty more besides me do as well. 

As a kid, I wanted to run with the boys and play with their toys and laugh at their jokes. But because I was "a girl”, I was stuck in a world not of my choosing, with gender roles that felt like a pair of undersized shoes. Not enough for me to kick them off, but enough that I was weary by the end of the day. This lead me to feeling like an outsider (at worse, a failure) when it came to “womanhood”. I could read the script and execute the lines perfectly, heck, even enjoy it from time to time. Yet, whatever I was doing felt like a pale imitation of The Role that seemed forever out of reach. But what role was that exactly?

Anyone ever watch The Muppet Movies? [Bear with me!] There was a scene from Muppet Treasure Island, where Rizzo is introducing himself and his friends: 

Rizzo: I’m Rizzo the Rat and this is Gonzo, the, uh... Gonzo: The Whatever! 

It was that line that led to a mini epiphany for itty bitty Turnip. I remember, quite distinctly, thinking “Hahaha! Wait... He can be a WHATEVER?? That’s a real thing?!” From then on, that just stuck within my child brain all the way up to adulthood. Turnip, the Whatever. Maybe I was already thinking in Nonbinary before it was even a thing. It worked. For a time. 

Like all terrible moments in life, puberty hit. Oof. As I grew older, I started feeling so uncomfortable, even when I couldn’t pinpoint why. It was my skin, my hair, my body, my clothes, everything! Even my name felt odd in my mouth. It was as if people were calling out to some figure standing behind me, but I was the only one in the room. I started taking on male nicknames like it was a perfectly normal thing to do. I always dressed up as male characters for Halloween. I started painting beards on my face for cosplay; for once, looking into the mirror and seeing that Tony Stark goatee on my face felt like I was matching up to... something.

The thing is, I didn’t know that this was dysphoria. I never once thought I was trans until I was in my early twenties finally hearing more terminology thrown around. But even then, I balked. No! Surely not! I’m just WEIRD! I grew progressively more feminine in an attempt to play catch up with all the women at college getting boyfriends/married, going to clubs dolled up, GALentines (okay, I’d still do GALentines because it’s sweet and wholesome), etc. Basically, I saturated myself in femininity to prove I wasn’t as broken as I felt on the inside. 

That eventually backfired. Those innate feelings had to manifest somewhere, and it burbled up in the bedroom. I started purposely seeking out partners that let me explore my desire to top, my inner need to be seen as manly. I’d shut down whenever I’d hear ‘pussy’ and ‘womb’. Somehow, they were the wrong terms to describe my parts (parts that I just often ignored or disassociated their entire existence out of my head). I preened whenever they asked for ‘my dick’, for me to manhandle them, to spoon them or take care of them. 

Two years ago, I decided enough was enough. What truly helped was when my coworker came out as Nonbinary to us. They started a dialogue that inspired zero shame self-reflection. I think people underestimate the profound impact open dialogue has on the human existence. Being open, honest, and welcoming? It had me questioning my own identity in weeks when previously I spent over two decades ignoring the obvious.

So here I am, a 31 year old trans man, finally making strides towards living as my truest self! I’ve come out to my closest friends and they couldn’t be more happy for me. They’re already planning my new reenactment outfits and helping me find homes for all the dresses. My coworkers (turns out, they’ve all got some claim to a letter in LGBTQ+ lol) immediately changed my name on the schedule, on all the inboxes, and started chatting about throwing me a celebratory Bar Mitzvah. Hearing my chosen name and the right pronouns feels like a monumental weight has lifted off my shoulders; a cosmic shift has occurred and for once the world feels right.  This “late bloomer” realization happens all the time! Life is crazy and every experience is uniquely individual. So I hope that by telling mine, it helps someone else take one more step closer to happiness and clarity. What I want others to get from this massive spiel is: you can be 8 years old, 15, 31, 55, 72, 100! Whenever you decide come out, no matter how you expressed yourself until that point, you are valid and we love you!

[phoenix]

So I’ve been trying to write this for awhile now.  Somewhere between years in general, and the last few months specifically.  I’ve hinted at this, joked about this, for almost my entire life online.  But over the years, I’ve come closer and closer to finally admitting it out loud.  I dropped a pretty obvious clue a few months ago.  And just to spare everyone a lengthy post, I’m gonna get to the TLDR right here, and then ramble for a bit more behind a cut.  So y’all can skip out whenever.

I am transgender.

...And I feel like such a fraud every time I say it.  But I’ll get around to that.

For people who have known me since before Tumblr, I figure there are a range of three reactions to this statement;

Uh, yeah dude, we figured that out ages ago.  Worst kept secret ever.

Oh...oh!  OH!  That explains a LOT.  Like, everything.

And at least one person is out there going “I KNEW IT!”

First off, as I ramble, I am probably gonna phrase something poorly, since a lot of my thoughts on this, terminology for it, come from decades ago, and are still ingrained in my head.  I do my best to not use outdated terms, but I am imperfect, so please do not take offense if I stumble.

So, why do I feel like a fraud when I say I’m transgender?  I was assigned the gender of male at birth, but I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me, and at a very early age, I identified more with feminine things.  I’ve always thought “I should have been born a woman” but for the longest time, I never thought there was anything I could do about it.  And to do anything about it was wrong, in some way.  Just accept things the way they are.  I thought that even if I did do what was available at the time, the results would not satisfy me.  And I acknowledge even that is a minefield to get through.  And I have come to realise that it’s not so much about the results, but getting to be yourself.

It felt like something out of my control, so I resigned myself to the gender I was assigned, to the face I saw in the mirror, and over time, I did actually come to accept it.  I have never had major feelings of dysphoria.  Over time, I came to accept I was Jason, and that’s who I’m gonna be.  I even at this point in life, largely LIKE myself.  Oh sweet twist of irony.

This was helped very much by the internet, where I could be me a bit more and compartmentalise things.  And even though my gender identity became a bit of a running gag, and even though many folks eventually figured out or was told I was Jason/a man - I never made it a secret or intentionally lead anyone on, the internet still gave me an outlet to explore fiction, find a few like minded people, and have an outlet to be a bit more myself, because my face and gender didn’t matter.  It was about my words and the personality that people online cared about.

So I say I’m transgender, I identify in many ways with being a woman, and yet at the same time, I’ve accepted myself?  And really, that is out of a lot of inertia and comfortablity than anything else.  Still, I feel like there are people ‘more’ trans than me, and I should step back and keep my mouth shut, but at the same time, that’s not living my truth.  A truth I am still trying to figure out.  Hi, I am confused and trying to figure shit out I thought I had sorted. ;)

Recently though, in spite of how comfortable I may have become, and how much I had let go of things I thought I had no control over, I have been revisiting these feelings that always remained present in the back of my mind.  More and more prominent transgender people have been getting the spotlight, and making me revisit these things, and think well, maybe, it’s not as cut and dried and as much of a closed issue as I made it become in my early teens.  I have felt more seen, identified more with characters more, than I ever ever have.  Representation actually matters.  Who knew?

So...what now?  I’ve been using male pronouns for DECADES and typing ‘she’ feels *weird* more than it feels natural.  I don’t know if that will ever change.  Same with my name.  I hated my name as a kid, for a number of reasons.  Only some of which were because it’s a boys name.  But over time, it became MINE.  I have thought a LOT about what I would want my name to be, and I have never come up with any name that sounds right.  That might be a discussion for another day.  And the few names that have caught my attention, always felt like “Oh, it’s just me being obsessed with whatever has caught my eye lately” and again, feels false.  But I know that’s just me overthinking things and being confused about who I am.  Also, I’ve been just as comfortable being known as “Foe”.

Feel free to call me whatever, be it Jason or Foe or he or she.  I know what my preferred pronouns are, but as they still sound so strange to me, I’m not gonna harp on anyone that deadnames me, or misgenders me.  I’mma be doing it plenty, especially since I’m still going to be Jason out of virtual space.

I also have so much masculine bullshit crammed in my head, I don’t know how to even begin clearing that out.  Or if I have to (I know I don’t, but at the same time, I feel like I’d be a TERRIBLE woman and should just stick with what I know.)

Will I ever transition?  I don’t know.  I don’t even know if I want to.  Part of me does.  Very very much so.  And something I thought I would never do has become something I have at least begun considering.  But there’s something to be said for keeping things the way they are, where things are comfortable.  But it’s also not me and...

Aaargh.  I feel so good getting this out there, but at the same time, this entire post is a disaster of flailing and rambling.  I’ve said a lot, and it’s bounced all over the place, and I still have so much more I want to say.  But yeah, there you go you get the idea..  I’m a transgender woman.  Where do I go from here?  *shrug emoji!*

[ionizedyeast]

Statement of Nelson Briar (pt. 2)

Title: 0181105 - Graduation Gift Part: 2/3

“Secondary statement of Nelson Briar, Head of Folklore and Legend Research of the Magnus Institute. A followup containing when he was first exposed to the Spiral.”

“Oh Jon, much better that time. See, now I’m not as inclined to only talk about how lovesick I was and still am. Now we can really start to get to the meaty bits, can’t we? Sorry, I sound a little overly excited this time, don’t I? I can’t really say it’s unexpected. The part about Michael and him leaving clues for me was only the tip of the iceberg. That story was really very simple. My romantic partner was consumed by the Spiral in Sannikov Land, and I started to lose my mind a little trying to find out what happened to him, only to land myself in the midst of the labyrinth as well! 

But you see, now that you’ve added the bit about me being touched by the Spiral, you’ve given me the opportunity to go further back. To long before I met Michael. To long before I even began work for the Magnus Institute. Hell, even before the Usher Foundation. We get to go all the way back to my high school graduation when my grandmother gave me a book.

You know, I know Greek very well now. I spoke a little with my mother growing up. But I was never quite fluent in it. I know it rather well now. Part of my studies in university required me to study Greek, Latin, Hebrew, Arabic and a few other languages in order to appreciate what I was reading on a deeper level. So, when I started learning Greek properly, I should have noticed that Noris Andras was not the correct way to say the phrase ‘early man’ in Greek. That book should have been called something closer to Prooros Anthropos. But I only knew a bit of conversational Greek from my mother and my yiayia back when I received the book. Now, mind you -- my yiayia did not buy me Noris Andras, my fathers mother did. Old Scotch woman. Wouldn’t know the Greek language from a Greek salad. 

My entire family knew I was going to start my undergraduate degree in classical literature. I had always been a fan of myths and legends and ancient stories. I had always been ambitious as a kid -- still am -- I almost chose Icarus as my name when I transitioned but well. My name’s very personal to me. I have my reasons for it. Icarus Briar just doesn’t have the right kind of ring to it. Anyways, fact of the matter. My grandmother on my fathers side wanted to send me off with a very special gift. Apparently she and my parents had been regularly scouting used bookshops and antique stores and old library sales to see if they could find me any especially rare books on the classics. It had been a tradition in my family since I was a child that I would always get a new book of classics to read. I’d always eagerly show my parents where myths would differentiate between publications and where names were spelled differently. Comparing and contrasting these differences was always a delight for me. It thrilled me. So when I opened my grandmothers wrapping on my graduation day and found what I can now say was an exceptionally beautiful book amidst the paper, I was over the moon. It was bound in leather that had been intricately detailed and tanned and bore in Greek letters the words Noris Andras. I knew individually what each word meant but I knew it to be grammatically incorrect. My mother and I briefly conversed over how it must have been a poor translation in Greek, sharing a laugh at my grandmothers expense, of course she had no idea. But it was truly a gorgeous book. It was old. I could smell the age of the pages, all brushed around the edges with gold leaf for a particularly lovely sheen. But its condition was stunning. We supposed there must have been a dialectical reason for the grammatical faux pas of the title, but either way, I was in love with this book. It felt like it belonged in my lap. If you asked anyone else in my family about the day I received that book, they would say it was just me, my parents and my grandmother sitting in our living room, eating appetizers as we waited for my cousins, aunts and uncles to arrive for my graduation party. But I’m the only one that will tell you that there were five of us in that room.

My brother was there too. My twin, but he had graduated early and had finished his first year at MIT. He was so proud of me, but anyone could tell you -- if they remembered this correctly -- that shortly after I opened Noris Andras and held the book upon my lap, my parents and grandmother were immediately fussing over my brother. My brother. . .the real Nelson Briar.

Nelson, the-the real Nelson, that is -- he was the star of the family. He was brilliant. Highly intelligent. Charming. Well liked by just about everyone. And he was my best friend. We both had lived a life of constantly lifting one another up, supporting each other and doing our best to be in each other’s court through all our struggles. But even through it all, my entire family always found his achievements far more impressive. He was going into engineering. He had graduated early. He had a 4.0 at the end of his first year. Nelson was perfect. 

Now, I suppose you’re wondering, ‘So why did you choose his name when you transitioned. Isn’t that confusing.’ Well, it would be if there were still two of us. But I’m getting there, hold your horses Jon.  As you no doubt have concluded by now -- Noris Andras was a Leitner. My grandmother found it in an antique bookstore covered in dust and filth and she’d brought it to a book restoration center to get it repaired. So that’s why it was so nicely maintained when I received it.  After the graduation party was over, Nelson and I went up to our roof. Our bedroom at home had a stairwell that led to the roof and we’d often go up there in the summer together. While he was away at school I often went up there to smoke and think when I’d had especially long days. I had brought Noris Andras up with me because I was truly fascinated by it, and Nelson seems really interested as well. So he and I ended up flipping through it while we were on the roof, just fascinated by the content. The entire book was clearly written in Greek, but neither of us seemed to have much of a challenge reading it. Perhaps it was all very easy for us because of our occasional conversations with our mother, but Nelson told me, he had never seen my eyes light up while reading like I did while skimming that book.

It was filled with stories and legends I had never ever read before. Legends that I swore must have been lost to time. Or cultures that only had one written document in their entire community. I was astounded. There was nothing in those pages that even hinted at being a retelling of another story. They were all completely new to me.

Nelson left me to my reading and turned in for the night. Morning came and I was still on the roof. I had read almost the entire thing. And I felt like I knew secrets that no one else in the world knew. I felt like a god that morning. There were deities and demigods I had never heard the names of. Heroes with names that could be broken down into Forsaken Daydream in terms of its translation. Tales of growing women from tufts of their hair, who would grow and grow and become titans. I had a book in my possession with myths that were as old as civilization. And I was the sole keeper of these stories. 

I did some research, naturally. Tried searching the names of characters but nothing came up online. What I had was purely original and I was thrilled. And I needed to know if more of these stories existed. I searched Noris Andras online both in English and Greek and only found sources trying to correct my grammar. Nothing like this book existed and my pagan heart told me I had been blessed by Athena herself and she was bestowing knowledge on me that was too important for anyone else. Of course, Nelson thought I was out of my mind. He told me to call him when a story existed about a gorgon made of pillows would prey upon those who denied travelers blankets when staying anywhere as a guest. Or something to that extent. I told him I still had a small portion of the book left to read and I’d get back to him. Now, I don’t think it will come to any shock to you, of course, when I tell you the very next story in Noris Andras was just that. I stopped reading for a spell after seeing that. And I thought there was absolutely no way this would be the case. So I thought incredibly hard about another concept. Just something I conceived for shits and giggles. A transgender young man who could create his own myths and legends simply by willing them into existence. It was ego stroking but if my brother could pitch an idea to this book and for it to be on the very next page. Surely, I could do the same?

But the unfortunate part was. I was at the very end of the book. There was only about six or seven pages left, and I assumed it was an appendix covering terminology in the book. But as I would soon check. A story appeared on those final pages. It bore the name I had been using at the time -- Nigel -- and told a story of a young man who could weave stories in and out of reality. How he could simply will it and wish it and bring the stories he so desired into our world. And the story read like what my very heart had always wanted. A power to make fiction real. To make the mythology I had loved so very dear real.

And as I got to the bottom of the page, I saw the only English in the entire book. It was a small contract. It simply said: “Do you accept?” I wasn’t sure what to make of it. But as I had flipped to that page, I gave myself a paper cut. My blood dripped on the page and like invisible ink -- it vanished.

Any normal person would tell you this is abnormal. Blood doesn’t just vanish. But part of me just accepted that this was normal. And so I closed the book. My gut told me to simply close the book and leave it on my bed. And my gut also told me to make a wish. I made it simple. I wished for my shoes to be untied. I looked down. And the laces lay loose on either side of my foot. I could brush that off. Maybe they had always been untied. I made another wish. I wished for my bedroom door to open. And it did just that. Very well, my house had always been a little drafty. So I went a step further. I wished for Noris Andras to be back in my hands. And it was. 

I don’t think I need to explain that I had discovered I had a new power thanks to this antique book. But it wasn’t something I could just tell anyone about or just indulge in. I didn’t know if it was something on a limited use factor. But I did know what it did was very, very real. And I suppose, I didn’t realize how dangerous it was until I used it for the wrong reason. As I mentioned before. I used to use the name Nigel. It was my preferred name back then and truthfully, I’m glad it’s not anymore. My dead name did not begin with an N and my parents were still calling me by my dead name at the time. I’d not yet come out to them, but I had come out to Nelson. Nelson was beyond supportive. Often would do whatever he could to help me feel comfortable in my own skin. Used my preferred name and pronouns in any situation he could without outting me to our parents.

I’m still not sure why I turned Noris Andras against him. I don’t even think I did it on purpose. But you know, they do tell you to be careful what you wish for. He didn’t out me to our parents. A friend of ours did. On accident. I don’t hold it against him. He thought I’d come out to our parents. Our parents were not exactly the most accepting. Sat on the couch listening to them tell me about how they weren’t going to cover my college expenses anymore. How I was going to work instead and pay for my own education if I wanted to go so badly. Whole slew of hurtful things. Nelson tried to diffuse the situation. He did his best. Until I just said aloud. “If you can’t stand me so much, then how about I just wish me and Nelson were one and the same.” I asked if they would prefer if they only had ever had one son. The perfect, wonderful, flawless Nelson. And just like that. It was my graduation party again. I was sitting on the couch. Noris Andras was in my lap. My mother kissed my forehead and told me “We’re so proud of you, Nelson. You’re going to do so wonderfully in college.”

Nelson was gone. Or rather. Nelson and I became the same person. Somehow. I looked down at Noris Andras. I opened it to the last page, and beneath the words “Do you accept?” was a name, written in the dark brown of dried blood -- Nelson Briar.

I was still trans, mind you. When the party ended, I went to my room -- it had always only been my room. One bed. One dresser. One desk. I stood in front of the mirror in just my underwear. I was in my binder. I examined myself. I didn’t look like Nelson. I still looked like me. But I was more mannish. I was on hormones. My wish, whatever that wish was. Gave me all the love and support my family had given Nelson -- but at the expense of his existence, as it were. I lived my life ever since then as Nelson. That’s who I am now. Kind of funny, isn’t it? The Distortion became Michael just as Nelson became me. Very juxtaposed. 

I should add, in all my years of research, I never found another copy of Noris Andras. Nor did I ever find the other myths mentioned. I can only assume the people in these stories were also affected by the book as well. Maybe none of these stories are even from Greek mythology. Maybe they’re from another world altogether.

Oh, and before you ask. No, I don’t have Noris Andras anymore. If I did, MIchael would still be here. I would have wished him back ages ago. I caught him holding the book when we were sort-of-living-together. He asked me where I got the book and I told him it was something of a keepsake, but he wanted to borrow it. Naturally, I let him, thinking he was going to leave it in the apartment, but well, I have reason to believe he brought it to Gertrude and she disposed of it. If not it’s buried somewhere in the Institute. Either way. . .I don’t think I want it back. It’s not like it ever did me any favorites.

I believe that’s all I have time for, Jon -- I have a meeting to attend. Sort of. I think Peter’s still trying to tempt me back into the Lonely along with your boyfriend, but I’m going to have to tell him to sod off. I’ll be seeing you. I’m sure you’d love to hear the rest.”

[julia19945-blog]

My transgender story > Julia Irish trans girl

My story......

My name is Julia, I am from Derry, I am currently 26 years old. My parents were born in Ireland. I wasn't born the person I am today the doctor said it was a boy. As I grew up from as far as I remember, I’ve always felt different, I felt like I was the black sheep of the family I felt that there was something wrong with me. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was but didn't feel entirely like a boy. For instance, as a young child I was socially, being told boys play football and girls play with dolls, I was thinking why I can’t wear pink and play with dolls. I was dressing at my earliest memories in girls’ things, secretly using mum or sisters, make up or shoes and clothes, I wanted to be barbie not ken. I never told anyone how I felt, I never told anyone anything relating to what I was thinking and how different I felt. So I went on the internet and typed in "boys feel like girls" and the results that came up was "transgender" which is the terminology for trans women and trans men and nonbinary people and so on, I felt like this was relating to my identity as transgender women. Television, for instance portrayed trans people as a joke, a punch line. When growing up in m teens it was never spoke about in TV or media in a nice way , but as the years went on so many more positive icons such as celebrities came forward who were trans such as a favourite of mine is Laverne Cox from Orange is the New black. So, when I found the transgender community online this was a relief to me.  

I felt like I wasn't alone anymore. I felt like that I could relate to people who were going through the same thing and you know for the first time I felt like I belonged. I am on hormones for about a year, and my mother and family are transitioning with me in the aspect of acceptance and understanding in such factors such as name change and pronouns and losing a son and gaining daughter. In my early days of my transition while trying to explore my identity I struggled with finding my true self, fell into bad habits as many know how easy it can be to turn to the party scene in our community. Got myself into horrible circumstances such as assault. In the last year something horrible happened I was sexually assaulted and took me to very bad place mentally was like a step bad from me, but I am here and fighting and not giving up!

When I look back, I wish I knew then that there were organisations out there to educate and to help overcome issues with my transition such as depression, low-self-esteem and general vulnerability associated with my transition. The reason I am happy with my life at this moment is because of the support networks I have made contact with, friends I have made and the love and I knew I didn't belong in this shell for years this annoyed me and all I could ever think was "I AM A GIRL , HOW CAN I GET OUT OF THIS BODY", So when I finally came out as Transgender , I had some form of support. I know for many people this isn't the case and coming out can lead to more emotional turmoil.

Throughout my life as a 'transgender women' what I’ve experienced so far, has been both good and bad, it's not just being transgender that I must deal with. It's also waking up in the morning feeling like I am suffocating inside a body that doesn't belong to me. It's being told by doctors 'your number 48 on the waiting list'. I'm depressed and being ATTACKED in my local town centre of Derry and even getting things thrown at me or names shouted or sometimes even being spit on when in reality if 'I just got the transition over and done with I know this would have a positive impact on my mental health and the only reason, I am depressed is because of the hate and the length of time I have to wait'.

 I'm thankful for the NHS and the fact we have this in our country and doctors and professionals who have helped me and so many people in my position, but I do think with the circumstances within Northern Ireland it is a lot longer than the rest of the United Kingdom. With no functioning government the NHS and gender Identity Clinic is majorly affected, and this can cause people to have more mental and physical issue as they have with me.

I will wait, I will transition, and I will ignore any negative transphobic comments that come my way, I'm sharing this to raise awareness for younger teenagers and children and possibly adults who are in the same position as me. DON'T GIVE UP, as much this is so easy to do, we must remind ourselves to carry on as we will get there.

I wish I knew it was okay to be trans. I've always been a woman just before my body didn't match and each step towards my final goal is rewarding.

People like me, we go through quite a lot, and we could use friends and more allies.

 Julia brown

[neshabeingchildish]

Poly Wanna? Ch. 2

So, whenever I said I wasn’t gonna tag again, I didn’t think about the fact that I could simply copy and paste, so I did. Lol. This chapter has a little bit of language (this story will too), but I probably won’t think to put up disclaimers every single time. It’s a Charlotte chapter, basically showing you a little more of how she is in this fic and how she was raised. Hopefully, the story is still enjoyable. I’ve got the thing up on ff.net as well, if it’s easier to follow there because of the emails. At any rate, here is the second installment and let me know if I need to remove you from the next copy+paste tags. 

@adorkable-blackgirl  @chenoahchantel @cactus-con @up-the-tube @riebellion  @itsyaapollochild@oof–musicals @lesbian-so-what @woahjusttakeiteasy-man @meadowstryingtobepretty @imma-sensitive-btch @okaygal21 @midernacht @divinereign4ever @xoxoemille  

02. Born This Way

Getting into the jeep, Charlotte put the key into the ignition, paused and said, “I have to tell you something. I don’t know how to feel about things, right now.”

He looked a little panicked, “What? About me?” He asked in a kind of tiny voice.

“No. About all of that,” she gestured one of her hands towards the brownstone and shook her head, “I mean, on the one hand there’s not a person in this world that I dislike more than Henry Prudence Hart. Seeing him again just brought back a lot of that. Of the dislike, the love, the hurt.  Because, that dislike comes from a place of hurt, because there’s also not a person in this world that I’ve loved more than him and he just… you know… didn’t even care at all.”

Jasper took her shaking hand into his and assured her, “Look, I know that feeling, but I promise you, he did care. He didn’t know how to show it, but he really loved you when you were together and he was extremely hurt when it ended. He knew it was his fault and he hated that he had hurt you. But, also, if you think you can’t do this, we can call him up right now and tell him we’re out. He’s resourceful. He’ll manage.”

“I really want to do it, though. I think it might give me a chance to kind of be seen for who I am and explain myself. To my parents, you know? To familiars that might tune in. Maybe it’ll help me take a look at myself, even? You know? Jasper, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but I have to start somewhere in figuring it out. I can’t just coast by on autopilot.” He nodded his head, kissed her hand and let it go. “So, you seemed fine, though. How often do you see him?”

He paused and shook his head, “Not often at all, but anytime I do see him, it’s almost like nothing’s changed. Like, I forget for a moment that we went through the things that we went through. That he put me through what he out me through. It’s like he charms me into being warm with him and then I walk away and wonder why I was so cordial and why I seemed to forget my anger when he’s there, but remember it when he isn’t. But… I figure that’s because he wants me to forget about it. Henry is cunning. He helps people look at relations and find solutions. He can finesse an ex or two in a heartbeat and not bat an eye. When all is said and done, that part of my life is over with and me still being angry about it is only gonna hurt me. So, I just shake it off.”

“Like the Devil,” Charlotte said and nodded. Jasper raised an eyebrow. She was finally ready to start driving, humming the tune to “Shake the Devil Off,” as she did.

.

To be clear, Henry was her first. She had consciously made a decision, and he was her top choice. She grew up with what she now classified as “two potentials.” That was Henry Hart and Jasper Dunlop. They were both stupid, gross boys for her childhood days, but eventually there was puberty and the hormones mingled with the close proximity swayed that viewpoint a little bit. She could honestly say that she felt like she had crushes on both of them, at different times - like when they needed her, or when they weren’t annoying her, or being stupid… So… you know, a little bit here and there. 

It wasn’t until her mother decided that it was time for “the talk” that she ever really thought about it, though. Honestly, she was friends with them and for her, that meant that she loved them. She wasn’t thinking about dating or anything sexual, really, though she had imagined a kiss or a hand hold or something and figured whenever she was ready to try it, it would be with a friend. She only had two, so it wasn’t something she had to juggle, or anything.

The talk for her was a painful and irritating experience. Charlotte had to have several “the talk” talks with her mother. She had one when she first went to school. She was going to be out in the world, by herself and needed to know about the danger of strangers and the threat of racial discrimination. Her mother had taught her that whenever she was in trouble, try to find a Black woman, “you know, yours and Mommy’s color,” because ‘find an adult’ just wasn’t sufficient for many kids, much less for a Black one and even though Black women weren’t perfect, by a longshot, Mrs. Page leaned on the side of hope that one would see herself in the young girl and attempt to assist her. There were just too many horror stories for her to feel comfortable advising her to find just any adult. 

She had one when the school first contacted Mrs. Page about Charlotte’s “unruly hair.” That was more of Mrs. Page coming down to the school and reading everybody in the administration office for filth about her beautiful daughter’s natural hair, with her own big afro swinging with the sway of her head. She had fussed at those people and educated them at the same time, right before withdrawing Charlotte from the school and enrolling her at Swellview Elementary. Charlotte learned a lot that day, so she considered it a talk. The ride home was her mother telling her about how when she was little, her grandmother put chemicals in her hair to make it straight and that half of it fell out and some parts still didn’t grow properly. She told her that businesses and institutions often tried to penalize girls like them for how they were naturally made. “Not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because there’s something wrong with them. There’s something evil inside and they don’t even know it, but it’s thought to be normal to say that a child has ugly features because they don’t look exactly like white girls’. If you ask me, that’s what’s ugly - saying that a child needs to change her looks just because! You’re healthy, clean, clothed, and happy. Never let their judgement change that last one. It isn’t worth it.”

The talk whenever she “became a young lady,” was more like a Q and A, fill in the blank type talk. She’d asked her if she knew what was happening to her body, instead of presuming that she needed it explained, and then she filled in the parts that Charlotte was not exactly clear on. And her mom was the best about periods. She hadn’t heard many stories from friends about it. But Mrs. Page had “period packs,” which included vitamins, medication specifically for this time, a selection of sanitary supplies for fluctuation in the flow, heating pads, safe period snacks (stuff that you’re actually supposed to eat, as opposed to the crap your body might crave), a fun period journal, a scream pillow, and books about it by Black gynecologists or specifically targeting Black girls. 

At this point, some of you may be thinking, “Wow, Charlotte’s mom is OBSESSED with Blackness/Black girl things…” And the short answer is, yes. She feels like she has to make sure that Charlotte didn’t have to relearn how to treat herself and love herself in her body, in this town. Which… isn’t an openly bigoted town, but an American town with a low population of other Black people. All subject matter generally has whiteness and their experiences as a default and an audience. Charlotte’s mother internalized a lot as a dark skinned girl child with “nappy” hair that needed straightening and next to no representation in media or her environment. She didn’t want Charlotte to ever have to battle loving herself. She had promised, before she was ever born that she would be a different kind of mother than the self-loathing woman who brought her up. Anywho…

The “some people say the birds and the bees, but this is really about your body and what you want to do with it,” talk was something else. It was the first time since that racism one she had going into Kindergarten that she was confused about every part of this. Now, her mother never gave her anything to have to relearn about her hair, her skin, or her body itself… But what she wanted to do with it? That woman had Charlotte ALL discombobulated after their talk.

Mostly due to “the choice.” They had went through the biology - yes, Charlotte was a girl, she knew it and didn’t have any other thoughts or need any hormone blockers, or have any dysmorphia or even general questions about her gender identity. She had always been a girl and never had a doubt. But, taking that time to learn about transgender identities and her cis-privilege was extremely fascinating to her and stuck with her. “Just how you would want someone to treat you with the respect you deserve and have your back in spaces where they have privilege, I hope that I’ve raised you to stick up for those who don’t.” Of course. They went through the process of the reproductive system via sexual intercourse and the possibility of same sex attraction. Charlotte didn’t think that she was attracted to girls, but she couldn’t say for sure, because honestly, at that point, she wasn’t exactly sexually attracted to boys either. So, her mom covered some same sex topics, as well, just in case and stressed the importance of Charlotte knowing that she wouldn’t judge her and would love her no matter what. So, HERE’S where Charlotte’s confusion came in… 

Because, she was too young to know the terminology for all of this and because it wasn’t really an accepted form of relationship status - she couldn’t really grasp the concept where her mother said things like, “When you choose a partner,” or “the person that you are involved with,” or “the boy (or girl) that you like and want to share yourself with.”

“So what if it winds up being boys AND girls?” she wondered. Her mom gave her a description of bisexuality and how she’d still be able to consider herself as such, even if she was with a boy. “Yeah, but what if I’m with a boy AND a girl, I mean? Like, at the same time?” Her mother looked uncomfortable, but explained that sometimes people had threesomes, but warned her that it wasn’t always good for people to do. Sometimes, it hurt their relationship with (here was that phrase again) “the person that they’re actually involved with.”

Charlotte sighed, “Okay. But, like… I feel like I’m not expressing myself very clearly. I mean like… What if I have a boyfriend, and at the same time, I have a girlfriend? I mean, they offer two different things, really any two individuals can, two boys, for instance, or three, you know? I’m asking you, relationship-wise, I guess, what is the reasonable way to have relationships like that?”

Her mother now looked kind of horrified for a moment, and she didn’t usually look at Charlotte that way, so immediately, red flags went off and Charlotte just knew that she had entered into a space that was unacceptable and now they were there and she would have to tough it out. At that moment (she realized much later), she internalized some disdain for herself, because of her mother’s reaction to a question that Charlotte identified with.

“Well, that sounds like cheating, to me,” her mother said. “Sometimes, they do stuff like that in sex cults and hippy communes,” she said. “But, civilized people don’t date two of three boys. Ladies, if they’re good and respect themselves will only date one person at a time and just pour all that love that they think that they have to spread around into that person.”

She winced, but she really needed to clarify to her mom, because what if her mother thought she was some depraved sex cult potential, because of this. Surely, there was a classy way to explain her feelings… “But, what happens if you like more than one person at the same time, but for different reasons, and they like you back? What if the two people are very different and you love each of them, a lot and have the love to pour into both?” 

Her mother nodded and blew out a gust of air. Charlotte felt like she still must’ve been explaining her feelings wrong. Her mom just said, “Well, in that case, you just have to figure out what’s best for you, and remember that you can’t have it all.”

Charlotte asked, “So, if I like them both and they both like me, and - I should have said this part earlier - they’re fine with sharing me with each other, and me pouring love into both of them, I should just pick one of them? They’re equals, but individuals. I can’t find in one what I have in the other, and everyone is fine with it. That’s okay, right? That’s a consensual and valid thing, yeah?” She asked, getting more nervous with each troubled movement of her mother’s eyebrows.

“Charlotte… are you having feelings for two boys?” She asked.

“No!” She lied, having already seen that her mother would disapprove if she admitted the truth and feeling super guilty about lying about something like this, because she and her mom were pretty tight with their talks and this one was going completely off the rails. “I’m just still learning.”

Her mother nodded, “Well, to that person, I would say, sure… you can do whatever you want and be with whoever you want, as long as nobody gets hurt, but I would have to seriously wonder how possible it is for such a dynamic to continue without anybody getting hurt.” And that was that on that. Charlotte felt like if she ever did what she now knew to be a “polyamorous” relationship, somebody might get hurt. She still to this day felt like that, even though technically, she knew better. It was more accepted now and it was valid for those who were actually seeking it, not just some of the people like her mother probably imagined who just cheated on people and claimed to be poly, without ever acknowledging things for their partners. 

But, on that day, of that talk… She made a choice. The “best” choice. She chose Henry. Not out loud, or even to his face, but in the back of her mind, as that person. The one that she might date. The one that she might kiss. The one that she might hold hands with, or whatever else. In the back of her mind, because once again, she wasn’t thinking about sex, at all, or romance, or marriage, or anything of the sort. As long as she could still be friends with both of her boys, she had everything she needed for the era that she was living in. The only reason that she felt like she was even thinking about all of this now was because she’d subconsciously made that choice, all those years ago, and whenever it did come up, she made the choice out loud. It was clearly the wrong goddamned choice, considering! So, she backtracked and made the other choice and by the way, the way that she was feeling about Jasper, she would have loved to have been hip enough to make this choice a long time ago! 

Jasper was the epitome of carefree and could be the poster boy for self love and positivity movements. He always made everybody around him feel warm and cared for. He was a loving friend and dedicated lover. He loved you more than he loved himself, which was saying a lot, because he loved himself so much that he ALWAYS knew that he was dope in a crop top, even when everybody thought he was on some BS. He felt fine with that 11th toe above his ankle and sometimes, jokingly called it his ‘ankle rack,’ he wore an anklet that went sideways because he’d not put it beneath the thing, and he got his outie pierced, It had a damn bucket charm hanging from it. Motherfucker used to call himself a buckateer! In mixed company! 

They pulled up home and she simply smiled at him. He smiled back and looked a little confused, but still happy, “What?” He wondered.

“I wish I would have skipped him and gotten to you, first,” she said. 

He smiled wider, but tilted his head a little, in disagreement. “I’m glad that you found me when you did. I think that the things that I’ve experienced have been really good foundation for building things with you. Like… You know, you’ve gotta make a few mistakes before you realize what you’re doing and I’m glad that I’ve made my mistakes with other people, so that you can have the best version of me to be with now.” 

She sighed and turned off the jeep, “Alright. Let’s get inside. My entire body is ready.” He chuckled, getting out of the vehicle and collected her from behind while she was trying to run inside to get busy. “Hey,” he said gently. She turned and looked at him. “I’m sorry that he hurt you, but I’m glad that he lost you, because of what I have.”

“Dude! My panties are literally melting off. Are you trying to make me jump you, right here?” She asked. He picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder and she let out a playful scream-laugh that probably got at least a couple of nosy neighbors glancing out to see what was happening. Sure, Henry stirred up some pain today, but this was the end result. Jasper was right. This was the best version of him. Her mother had been wrong. She could have everything. As of right now, that’s precisely what Jasper TBD Dunlop was.

[livingwithkami]

Shinto and LGBT+ culture: Connected from the ancient to modern era

Throughout the years and even now, I have often been asked the view Shinto holds in regard to LGBT+ people and culture. As someone who is both nonbinary feminine and pansexual, with most of my loved ones being apart of the LGBT+ community, and some who practice Shinto as well, this is a topic that is very close to home and personal for me. I wanted to write about this for a very long time, and talk about this in my last article about Shinto and sexuality, as they are related. However as this is such an important topic to me, I felt it deserved it's own article. There are so many things I want to express in regard to this topic so this won't be the only article about it!

Historically speaking in Japan, there are many examples of LGBT+ people and practices that were present, a prominent and most-cited example being that it was commonplace and even a part of samurai culture to be in gay relationships. It wasn't until the Meiji era in 1868, and the influence of Western culture, that it began to be viewed as uncivilized and wrong. As a result, a stigma began to rear it's ugly head, and many important LGBT+ rights began to be lost. Under pressure, openly gay and lesbian relationships; writings and art of them too - began to disappear. Trans and gender nonconforming people began to be pressured to conform to their assigned gender at birth, instead of being able to be who they are freely. In addition, stricter gender roles and heavier patriarchal ideals were enforced even further. While it wasn't absolutely perfect or progressive and there were still plenty of issues, with the advent of the Meiji reformations, any sort of openness and potentiality for progression was completely shattered.

However, much time has passed since 1868, and in the current era in Japan, thanks to the enduring influence of the past despite the Meiji reformations, and the present influences of Buddhism, and especially Shinto itself - the hostility towards LGBT+ people is not as severe when comparing with other countries. Despite the old Western influence remaining in that we still lack full legal equality in Japan, progressions and reforms are happening fast and in great number, despite the current political party's objections - and for that I am very grateful.

Thankfully, there are lots of excellent resources about the LGBT+ history as well as the present situation in Japan and Japanese culture in English, in published books and online - so I won't get too far into it for this article since I want to focus on the Shinto side in particular which isn't as often talked about.

The answer to the question on everyone's mind of this topic - "What is Shinto's view on LGBT+ people?" isn't an easy answer. Shinto is the farthest thing from a monolith. There is no dogma, and no unified organizational structure overseeing all of Shinto in itself. Jinja Honcho comes close to a sort of unifying organizational force, but there are still the 12 government registered sects of Shinto, hundreds of individual shrine faiths that while not officially registered as sects, are essentially as such in that they don't align with Jinja Shinto's common views - such as the focus on Amaterasu Omikami - for example. Shinto also encompasses the thousands of varied folk practices in rural areas; and holds a very long and complicated history.

In other words, to put it simply, there is no true existence of an authority to speak for all of Shinto in and of itself as a whole practice. There are authorities in each tradition, such as the Head Shrines where the faith and worship of a kami began, that maintain the general beliefs, history, myths, stories, and rituals. But as Shinto in it's very essence is not dogmatic - every tradition, shrine, and each individual priest can and will have differing views and opinions about the various different aspects. It can even be as split down to two priests working at the same shrine having completely different interpretations on beliefs.

While Shinto is a practice that has a lot of freedom in interpretation and encouraging individual thinking, I strongly feel, personally speaking, this is not a "free card" excuse to dishonor the core values that makes Shinto, well, Shinto - the Way of Kami. Respecting and honoring nature, supporting each other, caring for each other, respect to our ancestors, working to be good people, taking care of the community, and so forth. This is the common thread that unites all of Shinto - the different traditions, the shrines, and the practices.

That being said, while there isn't a simple and direct answer to Shinto's view on LGBT+ people as a whole - I can say one tradition at the moment has made a groundbreaking announcement on matters for the LGBT+ community. This year the Head Shrine of the tradition I follow, Konkokyo Shinto, openly, officially announced and confirmed support of the LGBT+ community. This makes it the first Shinto tradition to do so. The Head shrine is also supporting the Konkokyo LGBT Kai (Group), run by LGBT+ clergy, with other clergy and laypeople members who work to support the activities of our group - myself and my partner included.

Many of our Konkokyo shrines had been holding same-sex marriages for many years, but with this decision, we now are also actively supporting the community as a whole, with our shrines being safe spaces for LGBT+ folks. Having the official approval from the Head Shrine is so validating and I feel so proud and happy to be a priestess of Tenchi Kane no Kami and of Konkokyo. I wrote a full article about the announcement here: http://witchesandpagans.com/pagan-paths-blogs/living-with-kami/konkokyo-lgbt-kai.html

I can only hope other traditions follow suit, and have their support be clearly defined.

Informational pamphlet from the Konkokyo LGBT Kai, about clergy and laypeople, as well as terminology

While there may not be an official support from Jinja Honcho, other Head Shrines, or traditions (yet!). I still know of there being a lot of openness and acceptance. For example, Tsubaki Grand Shrine of America has also been holding same-sex marriages for over 20 years, and welcoming of LGBT+ parishioners and worshipers. In Japan, many other shrines have been holding marriage ceremonies for same-sex coupes too. Within the Jinja Shinto sphere, I know an ordained priestess who is a trans woman, and openly bi and gay priests too. Generally speaking in the Shinto community as a whole, it is very open and accepting. I have only encountered a few people who have not been accepting, but thankfully they are not the majority.

This makes sense as well, as historically Shinto has generally had LGBT+ friendly views - being LGBT+ was not seen as tsumi, or a "wrong deed that went against nature - a crime". There are records of ancient miko of the Izu Islands, who were said to be "men who lived and thought of themselves as women", but it was very clear in the ancient era only women had the power to be miko - female mediums, spiritworkers, and priestesses in the ancient era - so the miko of the Izu Islands were truthfully trans women. There are other examples of miko not from the islands who fell in the same definition in ancient times. In addition, even some of the nature-spirit and ancestral kami themselves were viewed and are still viewed as being gay. For example, an excerpt from "Male Colors: The Construction of Homosexuality in Tokugawa Japan" by Gary Leupp writes,

"During the Tokugawa period, some of the Shinto gods, especially Hachiman, Myoshin, Shinmei and Tenjin, "came to be seen as guardian deities of nanshoku" (male–male love). Tokugawa-era writer Ihara Saikaku joked that since there are no women for the first three generations in the genealogy of the gods found in the Nihon Shoki, the gods must have enjoyed homosexual relationships"

In addition, one could understand quite a few nature-spirit kami as transgender, genderfluid, nonbinary, and agender too. For example, the first three kami, Ame no Minakanushi no Kami, Takamimusubi no Kami, and Kamimusubi no Kami could be interpreted as agender, as they are said to be genderless in their myth. The next example would be Tenchi Kane no Kami, who is said to be a kami who is encompassing of all genders, but also genderless too. One could interpret them as nonbinary or genderfluid.

Then we have Amaterasu Omikami herself as well. In one myth, she dressed in masculine warrior clothing and hairstyle when she confronted her brother, Susanoo no Mikoto. One could interpret this in many ways in regard to how she expresses her gender as a kami that is not always fully feminine. In addition with regard to her sexuality, depending on one's interpretation of the cave myth and Ame no Uzume no Mikoto's exposure of her breasts, one could see her as having either lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual attraction. This interpretation can be further supported in the ancient practices of the miko priestesses of Amaterasu Omikami. In some of these practices, the priestesses would ritually be wed to Amaterasu Omikami, and also share of an intimate bond with her in sacred ceremonies.

This practice was not only limited to Amaterasu Omikami, but many other female kami as well, such as Ame no Uzume no Mikoto herself, and Konohanasakuya Hime no Mikoto. Since both Ame no Uzume no Mikoto and Konohanasakuya Hime no Mikoto also have husbands, Sarutahiko Okami and Ninigi no Mikoto respectively, this also can be interpreted in a lot of different ways that is not particularly heteronormative.

Inari Okami is one of the most prominent examples, and often seen as a LGBT+ icon - sometimes they are a man, sometimes they are a beautiful woman, and sometimes they are androgynous, sometimes they are no gender at all, and sometimes they encompass many or all genders. One can interpret this as Inari Okami being known as a shapeshifter, or some may see Inari Okami being multiple kami as one - I feel the interpretation of Inari Okami as genderfluid, or nonbinary, or any other expression, is also just as valid.

People may not agree with these interpretations or even see the concept of kami having gender like people is incorrect, or foolish to believe. However, if the kami mythologicaly and traditionally are said to have genders, have sex, attractions, and marriage - I believe it is not out of place as an interpretation. Someone personally seeing some kami as a part of the LGBT+ community for their own personal belief harms no one. On the contrary, it can help to develop a deeper bond, trust, and understanding between us and the kami. Which that sincerity is key and most important.

Now, I say this in regard to nature-spirit kami in particular, but in Shinto, once-living humans are also worshiped and respected as ancestral kami, often referred to as "mitama-no-kami". Someone who is a part of the LGBT+ community and has passed away is worshiped and enshrined as a mitama-no-kami just the same as anyone else, and to be properly respectful, they would still be honored as who they were when they still had a physical body - that does not change.

In addition, as I mentioned earlier, samurai had various romantic gay relationships. They too are enshrined as mitama no kami. One may know famously about Oda Nobunaga, who is enshrined as a mitama no kami, and Ranmaru's romantic relationship. As well, there is one such famous example of a mitama no kami who was most likely a trans man - Uesugi Kenshin. Many have said he could have been a woman in disguise - but - he had various medical checks and observations of his body by professionals at the time, and was still referred to as a man and could act as leader of the Uesugi clan without falter.

It is even recorded he experienced illnesses pertaining to his abdominal area every month around the same time of the week, but this did not change any existing records in regard to his gender. It is also extremely odd that for a daimyo (samurai warlord) at that era, where it was common to have multiple concubines to secure a successor, he did not have any biological children and even faced a succession crisis that led to adoption. Of course, there is no way we can confirm historically of whether he was a woman in disguise or a trans man, but there is a lot of evidence historically pointing to him being trans. He is now enshrined as a mitama no kami at Uesugi Jinja in Yamagata Prefecture.

While there is still so much I want to talk about on this topic, and I could most likely write a book! I want to mention something perhaps not directly related as much but a fun mention: the rainbow's colours are sacred in Shinto, as seen in the 5 sacred colours used for many different sacred items in Shinto. Red, Yellow, Green, White, Violet. The colours are said to represent the 4 directions around the world, and our own soul.

I hope then, that in all 4 directions around the world, people can come to realize that LGBT+ rights are also human rights, and we aren't odd, strange, nor dangerous. We are all apart of nature, all apart of this universe together. Let's respect the various colours of everyone's own souls, and work to uphold and support each other as a whole, unified community with love.

[anxious-patton]

I honestly had so many emotions watching Dan’s new video tonight. I was ridiculously happy for him, I laughed. I cried. I audibly gasped a few times. I related to so much.

I thought I started to recognise my sexuality when I was 11, when I first came across a fan fiction about two girls in a romantic relationship, and thought, “Hmm... Not a boy... Wonder how that would feel?” But then I had this vivid flashback of me asking my mum if you could have two mums because boys were gross and that would be better, when I was 4. So I guess unknowingly I’ve literally always been how I am. As it stands, I think I’m just specifically not into cis straight men, because so many of them have zero understanding or empathy.

But oh boy did I hate myself growing up. The first wave came when I kissed my best friend when I was 12. I’d been thinking about doing it and just fucking went for it. And the next day I hated myself for it and I couldn’t look at her because something told me what I’d done was just wrong. It took us a year to work through that and we actually haven’t spoken in around 5 years.

So I kissed the next boy to show interest in me. And the next day I felt wrong, and I hated myself for it. It just felt off. I felt like something was wrong with me.

It didn’t help me that I was a Huge Nerd. It didn’t help me that I used to really love physical affection? I hugged my friends, I’d sit on their laps if they’d let me. I didn’t care what was in their pants. So people started calling me a ‘dyke’ and though I never got punched or slapped, I was cornered a lot and people would just hurl abuse at me. But I was notoriously stronger than I looked after some guy tried to punch my arm after I’d gotten a shot so I twisted his behind his back so he couldn’t move. So no one tried anything other than emotional abuse.

I went through a dark time from around 13 to 19. Super dark. Self harm and suicide attempt dark. Purging and eating disorder dark. Anxiety and failing classes and alienation dark. I shut myself off. I’d spend some days just talking to my few online friends and staring at the ceiling. I’ll be honest, I still relapse sometimes. Quite often, really. But I know how to catch myself now.

Through this I was also struggling with gender identity. Because the only terminology I had was ‘transgender’ for anything other than cis. That’s all I knew. So I guessed I was. For a while that felt so right, and I got so close to coming out to my mum. But she wasn’t as progressive then as she is now, and I didn’t. But then a while later I felt fine as I was other than my name and my cup size so I figured I had been wrong anyway.

And I’ll be honest. When I was introduced to the term ‘nonbinary’ I didn’t understand it at all. It took me two years to understand the concept and when it FINALLY clicked it came with this realisation of “shit, that me” made even better by the fact it clicked during a Sociology exam! But I didn’t love they/them pronouns for myself so I sort of switched between he/him and she/her depending on how I felt. I came out to like, two people and asked them to call me Alex and they never did. They both just avoided calling me by name. I’ll never share my birth name online, because I hear it so much already and while I’m desensitised to it, it feels so intrinsically WRONG I just don’t want it in my safe space.

I’ve cried and screamed over gender and hatred of my own body and I still do. It’s still an ongoing battle and it never just stays in one place, which I hate, because it makes it hard to commit to making changes. Sometimes my fave looks too masculine and sometimes my body looks too feminine and sometimes I love one or the other of those things and it’s confusing. And it’s tiring. It’s something I hope not to struggle with one day.

My dad is seriously homophobic. I hate having family dinners because I will have to listen to him saying shitty things about how wrong everything about me is, while also not knowing any of that applies to me. Because at this point I feel he’s lost his right to know me. He’s lost the right to EVER know who I am. And that sucks for him. I can’t honestly say I love him. I can’t honestly say I hate him. I’m so ridiculously indifferent to him. I know I’ll never hear any part of my name from him, and if I do it’ll be said with contempt.

I felt like getting some of this out. If anyone wants to vent with me, feel free. We can exist together.

So, I’m Ren Alexander Tobi. Or Rat for short. And I’m like, really not straight, and really not cis. And it’s taken me 21 years, but I’m happy with it. I’m proud of myself even if I’m not open about it. Even if my rainbow flag is literally tucked away in a drawer. I’m happy with who I am, and one day it’ll be safe enough for me to be loud about that.

Tell me if I missed any triggers please ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[jackmfvegas777]

What Being Trans Is Like; A Guide For Allies

Hello, let me introduce myself. My name is Atom Yorke. I am a 16-year-old transgender and pansexual man, and you should probably get some popcorn ready because I've got a lot to say.

I'll split this up into categories so you can go page by page.

DEFINITION Now to begin this, if you're not sure what transgender means, transgender people are people whose brain does not match their body in gender. For example, I am a man. However I was born in a body most would call "female". I am a transgender man. This may be a radically new concept for some of you, but the truth is that we've been around since the dawn of humanity. Our history has been heavily modified and erased. In fact, any history that's not white, christian, heterosexual & cisgender has been shoved down to the darkest confines of information, where people have to look to find it. The truth is even ancient cultures have records of trans people, of nonbinary people, and of other LGBTQ concepts. This was one of the things they most heavily tried to erase during the ruthless colonization of Christianity.

You may be surprised to learn that yes, you yourself have met a trans person! Chances are you've met a lot of them, actually.

The reason why we're never seen is because until a little ways back, we would be imprisoned, killed or worse just for being out.   Now that we finally have a voice, we're speaking loud. But still, some trans people do not wish to be that way, and they will stay quiet their whole lives and blend in with the rest of society. Because of many people living in hiding, surveys are skewed and we have no real way to quantify just how many transgender people there are in the world. But there are a lot. And we matter, just like you.

MISCONCEPTIONS First off, there are a LOT, and I mean A LOT of misconceptions about transgender people. And it's not an accident. The lack of information and the stereotypes that have been given have been due to not only ignorance, but intentional covering up of the truth of who we are, and blatant propaganda against us. Many people think trans people are "out to get them" like they're some kind of "cross-dressing predators looking to peep in on the other gender". I can assure you, we are nothing of the sort. This falsehood would be laughable, if it didn't hurt so many people. Nearly 60% of trans people in America are outright TERRIFIED to go to the bathroom, (or go anywhere, really) due to them being harassed, assaulted, and worse inside. We are the ones being attacked in bathrooms, not you. We are the ones being attacked out in the streets, not you. We are not predators, we are quite literally the prey for the real predators. And this has to change. And the way it changes is through spread of information, and actual facts.

A trans woman is a woman. She is not a "man in a dress". A trans man is a man. He is not a "woman in disguise". A trans person is a person. They are not "confused".

There have been multiple scientific studies done on transgender people's brains, and they have revealed, every time, that your brain will match your gender, even if your genitalia does not. The reason for this is due to how you develop in the womb. In utero, the brains form one way, and the genitalia develops another way. Most of the time they match, creating what is known as a cisgender person, aka a person who is not trans.   Occasionally, the brain will develop in one gender and the sexual organs will develop in a different way due to an influx of different hormones during pregnancy, causing a trans person to be born.

To restate that; A trans person's brain matches their gender, not their genitalia. It has been scientifically proven. To argue that trans people "do not exist", are "confused", are "pretending" or anything else of the sort is foolish, and a rejection of science and reason altogether.

TERMINOLOGY Also, before you say "Well, if they existed forever, where are all these new terms coming from and why are we only now seeing trans people?" The reason being is you have seen trans people. You haven't seen these words because they are helpful labels we have only created recently for concepts that are ancient. The reason for all this new influx in trans activity is due to the internet and the spread of its information, which causes so many people to feel much safer and begin to come out. Now, let's take a look at the vocabulary of trans people, so you have an easier time understanding the lingo!

LGBTQ - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer. Refers to the community. FTM - Female to Male. A trans man. MTF - Male to Female. A trans woman. T - Testosterone E - Estrogen HRT - Hormone Replacement Therapy. The medical procedure of hormone replacement to look more like your actual gender. Binder - A form of undergarment that is like a very tight sports bra that binds the chest of trans men & sometimes nonbinary people so they can appear flat-chested. Packer - A fake penis (or sometimes a rolled up sock, etc.) used to make trans men look like they have a bulge. Tucking - A technique trans women use to make them look like they have no bulge. Top surgery - Surgery on your chest to correct it to your gender. Bottom surgery - Surgery on your genitalia to correct them to your gender. Coming out of the closet - Telling the world and everyone openly that you are LGBTQ, or in this case transgender. Stealth - A term referring to trans people who go completely "undercover", and keep the fact that they're trans hidden so they can just enjoy a normal life. Gender dysphoria - A feeling of heartwrenching, guttwisting wrongness in a trans person's soul when someone calls them by the gender they are not, or sometimes when reminded of their body. Gender euphoria - A feeling of either complete contentedness, or giddy joyful excitement when their gender is affirmed.

HOW IT FEELS; A WATERED DOWN VERSION Now that we got all that out of the way, I wrote a short summary of what it feels like to be trans, from my perspective.

Imagine you're in the womb. It's a clean slate, nothing but peace. Then from the moment you're born, you're immediately categorized by your sexual organs and colour-coded. "It's a girl!" They say. They wrap you in a pink blanket. Your whole life you're told to be a girl, and so that's what you are. It was the first thing someone decided that you are. But the whole time you live in this fake life you feel... empty. Every time you use the girl's bathroom, there's a gnawing part of you that says you shouldn't be there. When kids around you are playing on a bouncy slide, playing a game of boys vs. girls, you always feel like you belong on the other side, for some nagging reason. Your grandmother keeps buying you skirts, bras, dresses, because you ask for them. You think that's what it takes for you to feel normal. You never wear them. "Maybe I'm not girly enough." So you try to be even more of what you are not. And every time, you feel this pit, this twisting gnawing void that aches and only aches more as you grow older. You don't know what it is. It gets worse every time someone says the word "She". "Girl." "Have a nice day, ladies." You tear through your room, looking for anything that doesn't look like the dresses your grandmother buys you. You cry and cry like you've never cried before, and you don't know why you're crying. What is it that's wrong with me? And after a while you decide you want your hair cut. Maybe that's what it is. Then you think, "Maybe it's because I eat a lot. Girls are supposed to be self-conscious of their weight, right?" So you blame your weight. Until you realize that's not the issue at all. Because one day you wake up. It hits you. And you put the pieces together. I'm not what they forced me to be all my life. There was a reason I was always uncomfortable. I'm not a girl... That was an option? That was even an option? I'm not forced to stay in this cell? There's actually NOT something wrong with me?

All I felt was profound relief at first, but soon enough the relief turned to paralyzing fear. This was the beginning, and also the end of my life, and I was only thirteen. But some people don't find out until they're adults, sometimes even until they're in their old age. It doesn't make anyone any less who they are. But man, does it uproot your whole life to fix things. If you realize at a young age it's easier because then you don't have as much paperwork to deal with, but you still no matter what have to deal with it, and people make it as hard as they possibly can for you, because of petty ignorance. I've had multiple cases of people straight-up refusing to give me my legal documents back (such as my insurance card which I need for my literally life-saving medication) because of ignorance or malicious transphobia. I had to actually argue with people to put my insurance card through, something that was common sense, that I had all the legal documentation for, that could be typed in at the push of a button, and costs nothing for them. But they had "never came across this situation before" so they argued with me for a good while about doing it until they finally gave in.

I've had cases of family members, family friends turning on me and calling me "tranny", a "confused girl", I've been told that there was "no masculinity in my eyes" when they looked at me. I was yelled at, screamed at in front of family and friends that I would never be a man. I've been insulted in front of people, I've been ridiculed and humiliated. But I will stand tall. You know why? Because it is A MILLION times better dealing with all this than dealing with not being who I truly am. I'm myself, and if anyone's got a problem with that, they can take it up with me.

The sad truth is, if you're trans, you unfortunately are going to experience horrible, horrible things like this. It's an inescapable reality. But that does not mean it's without hope. Every person can be educated, even if it may not seem so at first. Don't give up hope, because there is so much more beauty than you're seeing right now, and wouldn't you like to get to see it?

If you're an ally, you're here to make sure this feeling they have happens less. So, here is how to treat a trans person, written from the perspective of a trans person.

HOW TO HELP TRANSGENDER PEOPLE (from the perspective of a trans person)

1. Treat them with basic human respect. Aka refer to them how they want to be referred, you know, by their ACTUAL name and pronouns, not the ones you're clinging to desperately. You may think "What's the big deal?" about being misgendered, because as a cis person you've never been forced to live in a body that's not your own. You have ZERO frame of reference for how a trans person feels, or experiences their life, and so the very least you could do, even if you may not understand, is treat them with basic human decency. It literally costs you nothing to just be a civil human being.

2. Ask questions! (to a point. Don't be creepy or disrespectful.) If you are concerned you are not treating a trans person completely right due to not knowing, or you have something you're curious about, or you just don't understand us at all--ask! Please ask! We love it when you consider our needs, it makes us feel more appreciated. And asking questions opens important communication pathways, that lead to higher understanding, empathy, and acceptance of each other, which can only lead to higher growth for everyone involved. However, if you start getting really nosy about it by asking us weird questions when you barely know us like "Have you had the surgery yet? What do your genitalia look like?" Or the much dreaded "What's your original name?" Then you know you've gone too far. I mean, come on, you wouldn't ask a regular person that question, so why would you ask us?!

3. Speak up for them when they have no voice. This is probably by far the most huge thing you can do for a transgender person. A minor example; If they're in a very uncomfortable situation, like say for example they are getting misgendered by the cashier over and over at the grocery store and you can see they're too nervous to correct them, or even if they have corrected them themselves multiple times but the person will not give them that basic respect, the best thing you can do in that moment is step in and correct them for them.  I've had someone do it for me, and it makes me feel euphoric that someone actually stood up for me. Just back us up when we need back up, cause we very rarely have that support. A lot of trans people have no support whatsoever. Any support you can show a transgender person will help them exponentially more than you know. Some allies will post LGBTQ positive things on their social media pages, meanwhile some others take this to extremes by becoming huge supporters of LGBTQ communities, and standing up and giving a voice everywhere for them through words, art, many different forms of media, pride parades & riots.

4. Physical Support If you are very close to a trans person yourself, such as one of your children, your spouse, etc. or even if you just want to go above and beyond by supporting trans people everywhere, giving a roof over their heads, a warm meal, and some kind words would change people's lives. Consider donating to a charity (a charity you research before donating into, a lot of them are fake and will collect the money) that goes towards help for transgender people, or LGBTQ people in general! We really need it, especially in the days of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named as our president.

5. Don't out them if they're not ready! This goes for all LGBTQ people, but please, if someone is closeted due to safety reasons or even just because they're not ready, do not under any circumstance out them for who they are. This could potentially throw them into massive danger, or it could just throw a massive wrench into their lives in some way. Please ask first.

6. Give positive, gender-affirming actions toward them! I absolutely LOVE IT when people do this. I have a friend who not only does bro-fistbumps with me, the two-pat hug thing, highfives me, but also always uses gender-affirming language such as calling me "man", "dude", "bro", etc. and it just always makes me feel so good to be around him! It creates a pleasant, safe space for us to be ourselves when you treat us for who we are, and it honestly makes us more happy than you know. So next time you see a really fabulous trans woman, tell her she looks lovely and classy today! When you see a trans man on top of his game, mention that he's handsome. And mention the things you know they feel insecure about in a positive way! It gives us majour gender euphoria. I know I've always been so ashamed of my round baby face due to it being the main reason I don't pass, but my friends on a call once had started all ooh-ing and ah-ing about how nice my cheekbones and jawline were and all that day I was ecstatic! A simple compliment that you might not even remember giving could change someone's life. And that goes for all people, not just trans people.

Now, you might have heard a lot of negative things that happened to me because of my being transgender, but I'm here to tell you there is so much hope. Cut forward to 2019. I've been out and proud for three years, and by God, I am so, SO SO much happier than I was. I am proud to say I was lucky, I have an amazing support system in my mom, dad, siblings & grandmother that have helped me so much through this. I'm about to start T soon, and I am so unbelievably excited. The person who had yelled at me in front of family members? They are now supportive, and make an effort around me. The person who called me a tranny? They apologized profusely and learnt from that experience.

So to fellow trans people out there--Things do get better. And they get better soon. You just have to hold out for a little while longer.

And for the allies who want to do better by trans and LGBTQ people everywhere, thank you. Thank you for showing your support, and thank you for your willingness to learn about those different from you. That shows extreme emotional maturity. On behalf of all LGBTQ people, thank you.

- Atom T. L. Yorke

Atom T. L. Yorke is a visual artist, cosplayer, writer, musician, and comedian that has also dedicated his life to helping LGBTQ people in need, especially the transgender community.

[flying-elliska]

You said it feels cool to have a specific identity but isn't that exactly why we are seen as the special snowflake generation? Not to mention wasn't the whole point to be free from stereotypes and dress however we want, love whoever we want etc? And yet there's now so many identities, labels, flags which create an implicit pressure to define yourself so you'll be included. Idk I think your french friends are right,it still feels like we're pushing people into boxes; they're just woke boxes now.

Hey anon ! Thank you for this very interesting question. I hope you’re ok with getting a mini-essay as a response (that’s kind of my brand now lmao)

So first of all, if you don’t feel like you personally need labels, you are totally valid. And so are my friends. I think you have to find out what you’re most comfortable with. It’s true that labels can be used to exclude, esp in the LGBTQ+ communities. I think we focus our activism a little bit too much on words and online stuff and media representation nowadays, as opposed to practical political action, and that’s an issue. And we focus too much on people not having the correct, latest approved terminology and labels as a way to show you’re a good person, as opposed to what people are actually doing and their lived experiences, and who is authorized to use what label and those debates often just exasperate me to the highest point. It’s like, don’t you have anything better to do ? It becomes very clique-ish, school courtyard drama at times. There should always be a place for questioning, fluidity, no labels, a place for discovery and uncertainty, shifting identifications, multiple labels at once, words changing, and questioning what place they take in our lives.

But, on the whole, I still like my labels, and I’m going to try and explain why. 

Labels are words right ? They have the benefits and drawbacks of words. A rose under any other name would still smell as sweet, of course. But we are a fundamentally social species, and words are a way to create bridges between people, between our experiences. It signals that you are not alone ; it’s a way to make visible things that are usually invalidated, ostracized or just plain erased by the mainstream and the status quo. The development of a vocabulary for the queer community was what made their political struggle and pride possible ; before it was “the love that dare not speak it name”, all euphemisms and shame. It honors, too, the struggle of those who came before us ; it places us in the continuity of a history ; it says we have been here before, it gives us memory and context. Of course words are going to betray us, because they can never retranscribe the fullness, complexity and confusion of lived experience. But they’re a conversation starter ; they bring people together ; they create spaces of freedom. 

I’m going to give you a personal example : a few years ago I fell in love with a girl for the first time ; after that I seriously started thinking of myself as bisexual. There had always been a thing there but because I had been mostly attracted to boys before, I’d swept it under the rug. But finding the ‘bisexual’ label made me realize - no this is a thing, this is valid, and it made me look back at all those instances in the past of having weirdly intense feelings for some of my girl friends, of being obsessed with certain actresses, etc…that back then I didn’t understand, I just thought I was weird…and I always thought that bisexuality was something that something Hollywood starlets did for attention. But finding a community behind that word that was seeking to reclaim it from the stereotypes and being proud about what it meant, it was so healing.

 After that I immersed myself more in my local LGBTQ+ community ; and in particular I volunteered for the European Bisexual Convention - that one in particular was incredible because it felt so…liberating. In the general LGBTQ community, people expect you to be gay until you say otherwise. In the student association I was in, it was cool, but it was also…very normative in a way. Lots of stereotypes about how we were expected to be, what we were expected to like, behave like. So for Eurobicon, to have all of that lifted, it was amazing. And it was also so much more inclusive - of disabled, neuroatypical, transgender ppl, different body types and ethnicities, like you could feel that they had made an effort. I also met several nonbinary ppl for the first time of my life and I was like…oh wow there’s something here that feels very important and real. We shared experiences that we did not have a space before, that were specifically bisexual and that tend to go unheard in general queer spaces because they’re not part of the dominant narrative : the daily hesitations, the lack of visibility, the much higher rates of staying closeted, feeling like you are not really part of the community, but also the really cool aspects too - there was this incredible energy of fluidity too of thinking, here is a space where everyone can potentially be into everyone, there aren’t as many barriers as we usually have to think about. And there was this one party and we were all dancing and flirting in a very sweet kind of way, people of different ages and body types, gender presentations and configurations I hadn’t thought about before, a girl in a wheelchair swirling around and being treated like a queen, guys in corsets and cool butches and just some beautiful people - and there was this euphoria in the room, of recognition and kinship, and it felt so…normal, not freakish like I had been led to believe it would be. Nobody was putting on airs or trying hard or whatever, they were just being themselves. And I was like, wow, this is something I need more of in my life. And this freedom was made possible by people coming together under a certain label, recognizing that certain people have specific needs and experiences. Especially after growing up in environments that never tell you that those things are possible, finding the right label can be like coming home. 

I have other labels for myself I am less public about because I don’t want to deal with the social aspect of it, or I’m like this is none of anybody’s business, or I want to give myself the time to figure it out on my own. But they’re tools for self-knowledge, they allow me to think about things, to conceptualize, to research (and lol I’m a nerd so…). And to be less hard on myself sometimes, and to stand up for myself in a ‘I know who I am and it’s okay’ kind of way. Because society tends to pathologize, ostracize or demonize the things it doesn’t understand, and labels can protect you against that. 

In an ideal society maybe we wouldn’t need labels - to have a right to exist or survive, and that’s definitely a goal, but I think we would still make some, because that’s who we are as a species, we need to classify certain things in order to think about them. The problem is when those boxes become cages instead of like, beautiful pots to grow seeds in, like art or poetry. And of course deconstructing the boxes we don’t want remain important. But I don’t think we can ever be box-less, it just to me doesn’t compute. 

I just wanna come back to the ‘special snowflake generation’ thing. If you don’t want labels, like I said, that’s fine. But I hate hate hate that term, and I don’t want to define myself in reaction to it. To me it’s used by a) bigots who just hate the fact that natural human diversity is becoming more recognized and discussed, and want to put us back in the artificial, stifling boxes that dynamics of power, patriarchy and imperialism have made us believe were normal when they really weren’t. And b) older people who are uncomfortable with increased levels of emotional intelligence and lability among younger generations. It’s a thing I’ve noticed over and over again ; people used to talk so much less. When they had feelings in general, or experiences out of the norm, they were taught that stuffing them down and sitting on them and repressing the shit out of them, was the noble/normal/grown up thing to do. So they did and they suffered in silence. And maybe some of them now feel bitter, or at least bewildered, by younger generations refusing to do so and inventing and or reclaiming all those new ways of talking about their experiences out in the open. And so they’re like ‘it’s too much ! you’re spoiled !’ because they want to believe that their sacrifices had a point. They don’t want to realize they could have done things differently all along. It’s very sad. But I don’t think it should be a barrier to us using them like…just as we shouldn’t refrain from using washing machines because our grandmothers suffered to wash everything in a bucket…There’s nothing entitled about wanting a better life than previous generations… And to me, having more words and more space to express myself will never be a bad thing. 

[dyrwoodan]

no one talks about how hard it is to come out and explain shit to your family if you're not from an english speaking country. or.. from a very conservative, out-of-date country that doesn't even have proper words i can use my mom would maybe understand some things if i told her in english (or i was even thinking about writing to her because when i talk i'm incoherent i can't finish one sentence without starting another one simultaneously) because she speaks english but i would still have to explain some new concepts to her because people here, the older generation, simply don't... know about these things. they don't know the terminology, they don't meet the "examples" of that terminology in their daily life, the media isn't mentioning it either. they know the word gay or homosexual or transgender but already something as normal as the word lesbian is usually used in an... ugly manner? it's an ugly word and people use it when they want to shame someone for being a lesbian, i think. i'm not saying everyone, i don't speak for everyone in my country i speak from my experience which made me wary about merely mentioning something irl, but really not once have i heard someone say it in a normal way.

i want to be comfortable in my own home, i want at least my family, with whom i have to live, to take me seriously and to understand me. at least this once. but how?? so basically i'm nonbinary, if i had to use a label which i hate btw because i hate using labels but whatever i guess. i feel like even if i tried explaining it to them they would be like "...and??" or "you're just making things complicated" or "you're just making it up" or "you just put something in your head by yourself, you need to take it out".

like they wouldn't understand why am i talking about it and i would feel stupid for even thinking about it so much and for bothering them with it. and i do feel stupid for thinking about this so much. then they would no doubt say the other things, like they did when i talked about something else with them and i got that response. i'm just making it up, i'm delusional, i'm at fault for feeling bad because i made the decision to feel bad, it's just in my head and i put it there and it's my fault.

and this is all bullshit but hearing it over and over again makes it sometimes hard to... shake off. what if i'm making it up? what if i'm delusional and i'm at fault?

and sometimes even i'm like "ugh why does it matter, i can just be myself without having to say something" but also... no. that's not right. i'm not comfortable, my comfort matters, my feelings matter, i'm not making things up things just fucking are. i didn't make them up. you think i want to feel shitty every morning? that i willingly make up fictional problems so that i have something to worry about?? you think i don't just want to be uhhhhh happy and content??

and i do feel stupid thinking about this so much because the things i've heard them say are engraved into my brain but i shouldn't feel stupid because they are not right, i'm not making things up i know i'm not, i'm not a child with a vivid imagination who sees monsters under the bed i know what i'm talking about but everyone is making me feel like i don't.

and i thought... being like this is mainly about accepting things to myself first. at least to me it was like this because i was in denial for a long time exactly because of stuff other people say, because of the enviroment i was raised in. and i thought that when i admit things to myself it would be enough and then i can move on to making others accept me. and i know myself, and yet i have these annoying doubts. that i'm just making things up. for attention, to be special, to do whatever tf. it's not true, it's not true, it's not true, i just want to be myself. i don't care about anything i just want to be comfortable and content and at peace with having to be alive, i want nothing else. but still they are lingering inside my brain.

because there is always, always, this image in my head where everyone is looking at me like i'm stupid and delusional and they will say "okay fine whatever" just to make me shut up but they have that look on their face that says they still don't believe me and with every second that passes i feel smaller and smaller and suddenly i'm 5 again and my opinions and my feelings don't matter because i'm a child and i already said it but this is so hard to block, these thoughts, because then I don't believe me and well, if i stop believing me.. then i'm just lost.

anyways. that's why i sometimes felt triggered when watching gentleman jack because i felt so many of the scenes with ann and it hurt to see them. when she was in denial as well, because of stuff everyone else said, and when she wasn't being taken seriously even though she was a grown up woman but everyone didn't deem her opinions and feelings worthy because they all thought her delusional. i felt that.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Are genital preferences transphobic?

Lee says:

Personally, I am attracted to women and some non-binary folks. I used to call myself a lesbian before I realized I’m transmasculine, and now I use “queer” as my sexual orientation label.

And I also do have a genital preference. I’m not turned on by penises and penises aren’t something that I think about when I’m fantasizing about stuff.

But that isn’t something that determines who I’m attracted to, because when I meet someone who I think looks cute then I feel attracted to them, and that happens before we’re at the point where I’ve taken off their pants and underwear to view their genitals.

For example, I met my partner (mod Devon) in Algebra II when I was in high school, and I thought they were cute but I hadn’t yet taken off any of their clothing before I formed that opinion. I just saw them and (eventually, like several months later) talked to them and then hung out with them and so on.

Generally, I don’t inspect someone’s genitals before I decide if I’m attracted to them. For me, seeing people’s personal parts is usually something that happens in the relationship after I’ve already developed feelings for them and found them attractive, otherwise I wouldn’t be in the situation where started asking questions about their body or taken off their clothes.

So I am not attracted to people with vaginas as my sexual orientation, I’m attracted to women and some non-binary folks because those are the genders I’m attracted to.

And if we get to the part of the relationship where genitals come into play, what parts they have is going to be relevant for me. How a couple chooses to navigate that depends on the wants and needs of both people, and it might mean finding alternate ways to be sexual or having an open relationship or even breaking up. But their genitals aren’t what determine my sexual orientation or initial attraction.

I think most people find someone attractive before they know what genitals that person has, but they don’t always realize that’s true because they’re so used to assuming that they can tell what genitals someone has based on their gender identity.

So it’s fine for you to say “I am not interested in having sex with someone who had a vagina” or “I’m not interested in [doing a particular sexual act]” (not every person with a penis wants to perform penetrative sex, and not all people with vaginas are interested in receiving vaginal penetration) but it’s transphobic when someone assumes that all women have vaginas (given some trans women have penises), and it’s transphobic to assume that all trans men do have vaginas (because some trans men have gotten lower surgery). Basically, don’t assume you know who has what parts or assume how/if they want to use those parts.

Genital preferences can exist, but that isn’t covered under the word “sexual orientation”. And while it isn’t inherently transphobic to say you prefer one part over another, the issue comes in when people make assumptions on who has those parts when the person in question hasn’t told you about their parts or shown their genitals to you yet.

And in many cases, genital preferences are used to prop up transphobic assumptions and beliefs— how many times have we heard a certain group say something along the lines of “all trans women have penises so my sexual orientation is cis-women-only because I’m not attracted to trans women. I can always clock trans women because they’re not real women, so I’d never accidentally find one attractive because I like vagina!”. So I think the trans community has rightfully become suspicious of people who say “my sexual orientation is penis!” or “my sexual orientation is vaginas!” because that’s A) misusing the term sexual orientation, and B) indicative of a certain set of assumptions about trans people’s bodies.

Personally, I don’t meet someone and say “I don’t know if you’re cute yet and I can’t tell if I’m interested in you because I haven’t taken off your pants yet. Could you take off your underpants real quick and give me a good look at your junk from all angles before I decide if I think that you’re attractive?” And if you try that with a potential partner before you ask them out on a first date uhhh…, good luck… I think you’d be single for a real long time.

Again, we aren’t saying that you are required to be interested in having sex with genitals you aren’t interested in, but we are saying that you shouldn’t assume who has those genitals and recognize that it’s possible to be attracted to someone without knowing what their genitals are.

And if the genital preference is a relationship deal-breaker for you, and you discuss your options with your potential partner and you don’t think you could have your sexual needs met in a relationship with someone who has those parts, or you aren’t interested in a hookup, or whatever the situation is, then it’s fine to say you don’t think staying together is the right choice and that isn’t transphobic. But it isn’t fine to give someone a once over in the club and decide that you’re attracted to them because you think they have a penis because you can’t actually know that for sure.

One thing I think you might find helpful here: When you’re watching a TV show or movie, have you thought that any of the actors are attractive? Have you ever had a “celebrity crush?” And did you actually need to inspect this celebrity’s genitals first before you determined that you found them sexually attractive? Probably not, right?

I don’t know if there is a term that means “preference for penises” and I also don’t know if a term like that is strictly necessary because you could just say it in words, like “I like to have sex with people who have penises,” instead of inventing a new label for that. But a lot of trans people are also wary of adopting new genital-based attraction terminology because we know that kind of label is likely going to be immediately misused by people who are going to apply it in transphobic ways (back to the “assuming you can tell if someone has a penis” thing) and use it to mean they’re not interested in trans people, even if that’s not what the label was meant to convey.

TLDR; there isn’t a sexual orientation word for “attraction to penises/vaginas” because sexual orientation is about the genders you’re attracted to, it isn’t a term that describes whether you prefer a certain body type or body parts. 

So sexual orientation is about gender, not genitals. Genital preferences are a different things, and they aren’t inherently transphobic but it depends on the assumptions you’re using about who has what genitals and what they want to do with said genitals.

And because sexual orientation is about gender and not genitals, if you say you’re attracted to women that means you’re attracted to cisgender women and transgender women because trans women are women too. Similarly, if you say you’re attracted to men, that means you’re attracted to men, which includes transgender men and cisgender men because transgender men are also men just like cis men are.

Kii says:

Whether genital preferences are transphobic depends on a few things. 

First things first:

You are not ever required to have sex with anyone you don’t want to have sex with. We are not going to tell you you’re required to have sex with a trans person or you’re transphobic. The only reason you should have sex with someone is because everyone involved mutually consents to having sex.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s some other information.

If you find someone attractive, and then you find out they’re trans and are instantly no longer attracted to them, that’s transphobic.

If you are a lesbian and dating someone who later comes out as a trans man, and you want to break up with them because you’re not attracted to men, that’s not transphobic. (Same goes for if you are a gay man dating someone who comes out as a trans woman.)

It’s okay to not want to touch, penetrate, or directly interact with a certain type of genitals during sex, but if you have a partner where this would be an issue, you can choose not to have sex with them, or you can work on alternative sexual situations that you’d both be comfortable with. (Examples may include: use of toys, touching through clothing, mutual masturbation) If you’re making assumptions about how a specific type of genitals is going to be used during sex, that’s generalizing. (ex: just because a penis is involved doesn’t mean the penis has to enter an orifice / just because a vagnia is involved doesn’t mean you have to put something in it.) Sex is very personal and individual. If you like someone, you two can work out what your sexual needs and wants are and you might find they match up even if you didn’t expect them to. 

If you say you refuse to have sex with trans women because you don’t like penises, or you refuse to have sex with trans men because you don’t like vaginas, that’s transphobic, because you’re generalizing what trans peoples’ bodies look like. Some trans men have penises, and some trans women have vaginas. Some trans men are some of the most typically masculine people you’ll ever meet and they still have vaginas and some trans women are super stereotypically feminine and still have penises. Some trans people are intersex.  Some trans people seek out alternative bottom surgery (two examples). Bottom line: you don’t know what’s in a trans person’s pants until they tell you. 

If you’re cis and you’re only attracted to trans people, that’s a fetish and you’re still generalizing trans bodies. This is generally referred to as trans chasing.

If you’re trans and you only feel comfortable dating other trans people, that is generally a safety and security concern, or wanting to date someone who first-hand understands what you’re going through, and that’s okay.

Genital preferences are often heavily skewed against trans women with penises, so it’s important to evaluate why you dislike penises if you feel that way. Transmisogyny is a real problem, and many people use “I don’t like penises” as a blanket statement to avoid dating trans women (yes, this includes some AFAB trans people).

Another person explaining it, via @otherparenthesepleasespecify’s post:

‘what is it called when im attracted to only a certain sex?’ nothing. thats not an orientation, thats a physical preference. one might generally only find themselves attracted to blondes, but that just happens to be what theyre into. one might find penises the most attractive genitalia, but that just happens to be what theyre into. it’s not an orientation to be attracted to physical characteristics, it’s an orientation to be attracted to people.

‘what if i am attracted to a gender but dont feel comfortable interacting with a certain set of genitalia?’ nothing. thats not an orientation either. you are whatever orientation you are, with a repulsion to sex with certain characteristics. thats fine. there are heterosexual people that are sex-repulsed. there are asexual people who aren’t. people of all orientations might be made uncomfortable by certain types of sexual interactions and not others. your comfort with sexual interactions and comfort with certain genitalia can be defined by your personal preferences, your history, trauma, or just complete happenstance. it is perfectly valid to be attracted to men, for example, but not want to get involved with cis men, because of perhaps a history of abuse or oppression. you do not have to justify your choices to participate or not participate in sexual or romantic relationships with anyone, regardless of your orientation. ever.

what would be problematic would be identifying your entire orientation as trans-exclusive or -inclusive, because that quantifies transgender persons as a holistic group who have a single identity, which is not true. anyone you know could be trans without your awareness, and if your interest in or perception of them would wane upon this knowledge, you should consider inspecting yourself for internalized transphobia.

And now that you’ve read all that, please return to the main idea at the beginning of my answer:  The only reason you should have sex with someone is because everyone involved mutually consents to having sex.

TLDR: No, genital preferences aren’t inherently transphobic. But it is transphobic to make a blanket statement saying that you wouldn’t date a transgender person because you assume that all trans women have penises (this is wrong because some trans women have gotten surgery and do have vaginas). 

It’s also transphobic to equate gender to genitals and say you’re interested in women because you’re attracted to vagina, which assumes that all women have vaginas (this is wrong because some trans women have penises). You can say that you’re attracted to women and you can say you’re attracted to vaginas, but those are two separate statements and saying the first doesn’t necessarily mean saying the second one for some folks.

So don’t assume that all trans people with a particular gender have a particular set of genitals, or assume that you know if/how they want to use those genitals, and then you’re fine.

[aroworlds]

I just want to let you all know that my health still isn’t good: I spent awareness week struggling with insomnia (not to mention before and now after) and trying to cope with making content for it while operating on almost no sleep just about broke me. I’m glad I did it, but I’ve spent this week trying to recover from it, and I struggle to find the energy needed to talk to people when I’m that worn out.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out more about transition options and support as a queer, transgender person, since it’s been made clear to me that my current environment is not ever going to be truly supportive. This week I had a really good conversation with my GP so my new pronouns are as officially on the system as they can be (with a system that doesn’t really support it, but at least referrals will correctly refer to me) and a conversation about my queerness that was summed up as “sexual attraction irrespective of gender, romantic attraction to nobody, no gender”. It’s not completely accurate because you all know I’m abrosexual, but given that I mostly use queer like a safety blanket in offline conversations, it’s as accurate as I get to someone who doesn’t already know me. I’m looking for a new psychologist, and there’s a few queer-centred clinics in my state’s capital (Melbourne, Australia) I’ll be checking out.

The extreme degree of lack of sleep is almost certainty a response to everything that’s happened this year with regards the incredible invalidation from my former psychologist and family, but it’s making it hard. If autism makes a lot of the above difficult, insomniac autistic cranks the playing level right up!

I’ve been thinking about the direction of this blog, since I would like to open up the ask box again. The problem is that this blog was becoming a little more community-conversation-support-and-validation than is easy for me to handle. It takes a lot of spoons to be available to provide that kind of response and support, and there is always going to be a greater need for it than I am able to provide. To be frank, it’s overwhelming to me to constantly see it in my inbox and my messages, and that’s not something I well handle as an autistic.

I’m a creative. I write, I sew, I scrapbook, I design, I make. I’m hampered by my disabilities and an inability to have or afford real workarounds in terms of accessibility aids, but as much as I am able to, I make things. I was quietly proud of myself during awareness week for being able to get past the “I can’t do it perfectly so why do it at all” tendency of mine to make pride-related pieces that weren’t perfect (lack of tape, time, editing, fabric, marker pens) but still existed, as that’s something hard for me. And it meant the world to me to see some of those pieces get likes and reblogs!

My highest shape of activism is always going to be creative media, yet this blog, combined with the limitations of my disabilities, was making it harder for me to do that. It’s not coincidental that I’m able to write more stories with the ask box closed!

The other problem is that a lot of the conversations I was getting more concerned aro-ace folks, aro-ace experiences and aro-ace relationships to the aro-spec, ace-spec and a-spec communities. I’m not saying that you don’t need or deserve the support, and it is by no means wrong that anyone sought this out, but I felt like I was providing more reassurance to folks with issues that don’t impact me in quite the same way, without the time to talk about my own needs (because I am disabled, my spoons are limited and I never had the ability to do both the way I wanted). That felt like I was working more to support other people than I was to support myself; my activism slowly moved further and further away from my own needs in the aro-spec and a-spec communities.

I hope folks appreciate that providing reassurance, validation and support to fellow community members is a lot of work--something that takes a lot of time, a lot of physical ability, a lot of physical energy, a lot of emotional ability, and a lot of emotional energy. It’s work, it’s skilled work, and it’s hard work--something I don’t think we always stop and acknowledge in activist spaces where the need of people to be supported is sometimes pushed ahead of the ability for people to provide it. Particularly when the people who are doing this work are unpaid, often unsupported in their providing of this work while at the same time being applauded for it, and have to face a never-ending need for it should they begin to offer it.

I’ve had asks that have distressed and triggered me, asks that need all the empathy and validation I can provide but at the same time distress me to the point where I can’t cope myself. Where do I go to talk about that? Where do I go to find help? I can’t write a post about it here; that would hurt the person who needs help and has done nothing wrong in seeking it. Psychologists see other psychologists for support, but we have a grassroots situation where folks are providing nearly the same sort of work on an untrained, volunteer basis, for a community in incredibly desperate need of it and can’t actually go to a psychologist who doesn’t understand aromanticism, without any kind of support network ourselves.

Without that, it’s very difficult not to succumb to overwhelm and burnout ... and for much the same reasons folks came to my ask box, I can’t easily see a psychologist myself for coping with this, or afford to do so as frequently as I need even if/when I do find someone supportive.

I think a good thing for the aro-spec community to discuss would be the ways we can support other community members in their community-support-and-community-building activities, in terms of making sure that the people who are working to build our communities are physically and emotionally safe, have spaces where we can discuss the challenges and problems in providing community support--in the same way psychologists also have these support networks--and have their labour acknowledged in the sense of our promoting their PayPal, Ko-fi and Patreon accounts (it’s hard to manage the emotional work of providing deserved support for our own when we’re panicking over having $5 in our bank accounts and a $100 bill to pay next month). We shouldn’t be taking it for granted that the people who are helping prop us up can do so unaided, not when we all know the struggles we face in a capitalist, amatonormative world. Let’s please acknowledge this, not just for me but for every other aro-spec who is putting their works out in posts, answering asks and creating the content we need and appreciate.

Let’s do our best to support the people who are supporting us and have open conversations about the struggles and stresses of activism, because I honestly feel that the only options for me include shutting down the inbox forever, being seen as selfish and demanding if I talk about the problems of being a source of support because I’m supposed to be helping people, quitting the blog entirely, or struggling through it all until I shatter.

In the meantime, though, as a disabled aro-spec, I have to draw a line.

For me, this comes back to what I want to do--run a blog about aro-spec creativity while making more original aro-spec creative content--and activism that directly concerns and impacts me. That means, specifically, allo-aro activism, because I’m increasingly finding a disconnect between general aro-spec approaches and my own needs. Activism for aro generally isn’t resulting in a-spec spaces that feel safe for me, and that’s where I want to direct my conversations.

For this blog, @aroworlds, I’d like the ask box to be an easy way folks can recommend media, discuss content, squee about something cool they read/saw/heard/found, share pride merch, give their thoughts on something with regards representation or creativity. I won’t say that I won’t make my own posts about activism here and there, but I’d like to get back to a focus on creativity. I am asking, therefore, that people please keep messages, submissions and asks to topics of aro-spec creativity and creative media. I am no longer taking support-providing asks, community information asks or community terminology asks on this blog.

For my other blog, @alloaroworlds, I’m happy to have more conversations about aro-spec community issues, identity experiences and creative media as concerns allo-aros. This is where I want to focus my activism outside of creative media, and this is where I want to have community-issue conversations. I’m not yet at a point where I’m really able to provide much in the way of emotional support, but if I ever get my life to a point where I can, that’s where I’ll be providing it. In the meantime, though, let’s talk the aro-spec and a-spec communities and where allo-aros fit into them--and anything else allo-aros want to talk about.

Thank you so much for reading this monster of a post, my lovely followers. I won’t be opening up the ask box here today or even this week, but I will hope to be soon. Because I really do miss folks telling me about something cool they’ve found, and I hope we can get back to that and other projects and discussions focusing on aro-spec creativity.

In the meantime, if folks could wish for me a week where I sleep every night, I would be exceptionally grateful!

[dimitrippy]

Pride month may be over, but it is also important to retain some sense of it. So here are some book reviews. If you've read these books, you might not like what I have to say. If you haven't, you may find that you don't want to. Or maybe you're so intrigued by what I've said, you'll want to read them anyway. The books I've chosen to read and review are (in order): This Book is Gay by James Dawson (2014), Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan (2003), and Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World by Sarah Prager (2017).

Note: I am an independent person with no affiliations and I am doing this for fun, I am by no means a professional book reviewer.

This Book is Gay by James Dawson

I'm gonna start right off the bat and say that this book is... out-dated. Published in 2014, this book is a crash course on all things gay... but that's it. Despite many a disclaimer within the book itself, I found the writing to focus almost exclusively on homosexuality, with very little focus on bisexuality or being transgender. 'Well' you may say 'the book is GAY.' And right, it is, but the author, James Dawson, touted it as a guide to all things LGBT, which it wasn't. I understand the lack of nonbinary genders being mentioned, as the term did not really become widespread until very recently, but many trans people will find themselves unhappy when their eyes flick to the words 'transsexual' and 'transvestite'. Not to mention, in a later chapter about sex (skipping this chapter is an option, Dawson makes that clear) diagrams that equate genitals to gender. Overall, incredibly cisnormative. I'm not going to lie, Tumblr may have made me overly bias to any sort of queer literature created by a cis, gay man, but a good LGBT book should really spread out the attention between all of the letters.

I also found the writing style to be, for lack of a better word, trite. And I guess another good word would be condescending. Don't believe me? Dawson refers to sex as 'sexyfuntimes' at least 3 times, if not more. I understand that this book was written to appeal to young adolescents who might be questioning their sexuality or gender, but the word sex was already being used. Why change it to sexyfuntimes? Anyone reading the book should KNOW what sexyfuntimes means. Once was funny, but to keep using it to refer to consensual bedroom business made me feel like the author didn't care about his target audience. Speaking somewhat from experience, an adult talking down to me always made me feel like shit. Teenagers aren't stupid. Us adults need to start acting like it. ( that's not to say that teens can't be stupid, but generally when consuming content that is meant for them, it can be alienating.)

Then the author wrote a chapter on religion that I felt was written from a Christian-centric point of view. The author himself said he had limited knowledge about certain religions but went ahead and wrote about them anyway, assuming knowledge. This is a book that contained interviews with other queer people, you couldn't have found queer people of faith to interview? That just seems lazy to me.

Another big BIG problem that I had with the book was the chapter called 'Gay Saints'... or something to that effect. I had to return the book and I'm writing a lot of this from memory, which is quite good but can't always remember everything...

Anyway, I'm sorry, but however they may have felt while functioning as a boy-band, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are NOT gay icons. They're nothing more than two young men that over-zealous straight girls wish would get together. Sure, they may support the queer community which is all well in good but to refer to 'Larry Stylison' as a gay icon just... left a bad taste in my mouth. Also, Dawson referred to Macklemore as handsome which is just... not correct.

Honestly it felt like a lot of these 'icons' were straight people. And of course gay people have been idolizing straight people for basically forever (look up Friends of Dorothy) but one moment of activism does not a gay icon make.

Not to mention that leaving out Billie Joe Armstrong out of a list like that is criminal, considering he's been an open bisexual and supporting LGBT punk bands since Green Day became popular.

… Also a crime to leave out Prince but there are some battles you can't win...

Still, it would be remiss of me to not mention that this book was meant to be read by EVERYONE, not just by LGBT kids. I definitely understand the need for a book like this, but the queer community has become so fast paced and new terminology is updated and accepted on a near- daily basis. And I, personally, would not recommend this book to my friends (unless my friends want to know the book i'm slamming – LOL ). Perhaps a companion book titled “This Book is Trans” or “This Book is Queer”? Or maybe keep the title and come out with a second, more inclusive edition.

I would, however, recommend it to young, questioning kids and their parents – should said parents be aware of their kid's situation. I also recommend it to straight people who have very little interaction with LGBT people but who want to understand us a little better. I know I said the writing was condescending at times, but it is a good resource for people who aren't gay or who aren't sure what they are yet, especially if they don't wanna dig through Google, trying to find non-homophobic sources.

My overall opinion in a nutshell: Mediocre and non-inclusive

Score: 4/10

Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan

I'm not going to lie, if I had read this book in middle school or high school, I probably would have LOVED it. Pretentious teen romance was probably my favorite genre. (Something I don't talk about very much because everyone on Tumblr has a boner for hating the king of pretentious teen romance novels, John Green, and I rather like him.) Now, however, it is... to be honest it's uninteresting drivel.

The story focuses on local gay high schooler, Paul. Paul has ALWAYS known he was gay and everyone in his small, shockingly liberal town (shocking because it's so small) doesn't really care, except for the parents' of his friend, Tony, another gay high schooler. (only Tony's parents are homophobes and they have to lie about stuff just to get him out of the house)

We have other great characters! Such as Kyle, the bisexual who won't call himself bisexual because he doesn't like labels, also Paul's ex. Infinite Darlene, a trans girl who Paul does not call trans, only drag queen. She is homecoming queen and captain of the football team and also the other drag queens in school (???) don't like her because she's too masculine. Cis drag queens hating trans women, what else is new?

We also have Noah, the pretentious artist new kid and Paul's crush. And Joni, who was Paul's best friend but dumped him for her crappy boyfriend.

Right? The sheer amount of characters made my head spin too. And the drama with everyone was... too much. The only redeeming moment was when Tony finally stood up to his parents. Which he did so in, again, an unrealistic way.

And I'm not even going to mention the motorcycle cheerleaders.

So by the end of it, I was pretty disappointed.

Until I read the author's note. 10 years after it's original publication, David Levithan answers some questions about the book and gave a myriad of reasons as to why he wrote the book the way he did. He explained that he knew how unrealistic some parts of the story were, and that that's why they were there. Because as unrealistic as it was, it is something that he wants to one day be a reality. And that while we're far from that reality, it's something we should always, always be working towards.

There's something very brave about that. It's definitely true that there are far, far too many tragic stories featuring LGBTQA+ characters, but this is nothing short of a very happy story published in a time when stories like that simply didn't exist. A jaded queer person (such as myself) might brush off the pie in the sky life that Paul leads, but ultimately there really is nothing wrong with writing happy endings for people like you.

Should you choose to read this book, I recommend the new edition that comes with the author's note. It puts the entire novel in a much better perspective. It also has a short story featuring Infinite Darlene.

My overall opinion in a nutshell: Pretentious but well meaning

Score: 6/10 (points taken away were re-added after reading the author's not

Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World by Sarah Prager

As an avid history nerd who doesn't read nearly as much historic shit as they should, I loved this book. Clear, concise, and with a detailed bibliography in the back, Queer, There, and Everywhere gives us undeniable proof that people like us – queer people – have always existed.

Starting in ancient Rome, through the civil rights movement and up the the present, Prager makes the context easy to understand by using modern language and beginning each chapter with a brief flashback to each figure's time. While many scholars look at things from a cishet lens and use the language to match, Prager does pretty much the opposite, making a disclaimer at the beginning of each chapter any time modern terminology or certain pronouns usage needs to be used for clarity.

This book doesn't just cover cis, gay people over the course of history, it has something for everyone across the spectrum of gender and sexuality – trans and nonbinary people, lesbian pioneers (no, not 1800s pioneers),George Takei, and much, much more.

While queer history can be a touchy subject, Queer, There, and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World makes it so that our history can not, should not, and will not be erased.

My overall opinion in a nutshell: Fantastic and a necessary must for any person who needs a brief course in queer history.

Score: 8/10 (some of the historic figures she picked struck me as far-fetched, plus use of the outdated terms transsexual and transvestite)

[warrenkoles]

just being whiny abt today , very long rant ahead

i went to this lgbt health symposium thing that was nearly an hour away that my boss really wanted “us” (as in, The Organization, as in Me By Myself) to go to and i thought i was going as an exhibitor but i was just an attendee, which is fine and i prefer that bc there’s less pressure to like. talk to people during it then. but it was super awkward bc it was definitely just for like healthcare professionals and i am. technically. Not One Of Those always i was the only like. super obviously queer person there other than a trans presenter from philly but like i know there were a few other cis gay ppl there too but they were a lot older and so it was just very. uncomfortable for me as a queer trans guy

there was one presenter who was cishet but has been doing this big research project on making a nursing standard of care for transgender patients (so that nurses actually know how to treat us and not be ignorant at best to us when we end up in their care) which is super cool but then used terminology like “transgenderism” and called trans people “transgendereds” but i really could not tolerate when she was like “you need to know when you are dealing with , say, post operate male to female anatomy bc the procedures are different than normal anatomy” and i had to be super annoying and be like Um As A Transgendered Myself Can You Please Not Call Cisgenders The Norm bc My Anatomy Is Not Abnormal THanks ! she was really nice about it and kept shaking my hand and thanking me for correcting her and i was just like Please.....May I Leave.......

the guy presenting after her was a cis gay dude and kept looking at me directly whenever he mentioned transgender people which i would have thought coincidence since i was sitting in the direct front in front of the presenter bc i got there late except he did it every single time and this has happened to me a lot when i was in classes as the only openly trans person so like Yawn !

also it was pouring buckets all day which meant having a headache which nothing would fix which is the norm but still annoying. i know i shouldn’t complain because i am so privileged to even be able to go to these things at all much less for WORK but like this was just. such a waste of my time on an awful day and i wish i could’ve just been in the office and at least then i could’ve felt productive but whatever.

[torvus-bong]

oversharing #5: gender journey

this is impromptu rant about my journey with gender and sexuality.  

When I was 12, I found myself infatuated with a boy half way across the world. But because we were, well, fucking 12, it didn't work out (at first).

So I'm in middle school. I'm finding myself looking at the girls in my classes rather than the boys. After some deliberation with an older friend I had on the internet (she was in high school), I decided I was bisexual. This did not go over well: I told one person, and they told everyone. In turn, I was bullied relentlessly.

I went to a high school out of my catchment area to avoid them. I took fucking IB classes to avoid the tormentors of the last 3 years. And, since no guy had ever shown an interest in me - and since I seemed to be heavily fixated on girls (even when I was in grade school!), I decided I was a big ol' lesbian.

Pretty much the same thing happened. I was ostrasized, but not with the same intensity as before. This only made me louder, and prouder. People who remember what I was like back then, describe me as being, "a little too forward." That's okay. I can live with that. I've seen on social media, people that were my peers, that are coming to terms with their gender and sexual identities now. It is beautiful, and I can only hope that witnessing me take all that shit was inspiring to some of them. At least my suffering will not have been for nothing.

Years pass, and I still think I'm a cis lesbian. I've had sexual and emotionally intense encounters with women, but they never worked out. I felt so different from them. Even the masculine/butch women - I felt a disconnect from them that I couldn't describe. I didn't have the terminology to convey what I felt I was inside.

In my early 20s, I reconnected with an ex of mine from my teenager-on-the-net days. They told me about nonbinary genders and transgender people, and my entire world opened up. I knew about transgender people, of course, but I'd never thought about it in the context of myself. I pounced on the nonbinary/two-spirit label and made it mine. I knew I wasn't a woman, and I wasn't ready to face the fact that I might be a man.

I changed my name to the gender-neutral Alexander, and asked people to refer to me using they/them. Again, this didn't go over well, with my grandparents in particular. But nobody in my meatspace life was willing to even try to use the correct pronouns. So, after squirming around in that identity for about 1.5 years, I realized something - I was not simply NB or two-spirit.

I took note of the things I just thought were normal. I vehemently hate my breasts, and they physically ache. Clothes marketed towards women make me intensely uncomfortable, and I feel "exposed" somehow. I did not feel like I belonged in "women only" spaces, like changerooms or washrooms. I've always thought it would be easier to have a dick, and I take depo even though I'm not sexually active. I have just always hated my period (nevermind the fact that they're unusually painful). My shoulders are broad and strong and I like them. They would look amazing with pectorals instead of these useless fat lumps. I'm also a spitting image of my father, to the point where when I was still IDing as cis/wlw, strangers would refer to me with male pronouns. It used to upset me a lot. Denial is a hell of a drug.

As I talked this through with the reconnected ex, I came to the conclusion that I am a transmale. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. A friend of mine added, later, "It makes sense that you're actually a gay guy. How many gay dudes have fixated on women in their youth? Whether to emulate their style or to pretend they were het." And that hit me really hard, because I'm with the guy I mentioned in the first sentence, now. We're turning 25 this year. He knows, of course, and is so supportive.

I told my mother, and she went over all the little things in my childhood that didn't add up before but sure as hell do now. It was extremely validating, and now she refers to me as her oldest son.

this is a shoutout to everyone who has walked a similar path. butch lesbians who later discovered they were transmen, effeminate gay men who discovered they're actually heterosexual transwomen, and all the variants in between and beyond (I'm just not very good at remembering them all). You are all beautiful, I see you, and most of all, you are fuckin valid.

thanks for coming to this impromptu rant about my journey with gender and sexuality