#the things who make me who i am haven't changed for the past year

[batshikns]

i just realized- 6 more months exactly until my birthday- that's... depressing- 😓

[theultracharmingladynoire]

Added a 'not ml' tag for posts about shows other than ml!

[noxtivagus]

I'M SO EXCITED FOR MORE FF

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not having time to read my mutual's writing?

Met a mutual on here, bonded through fanfic, have been tight with them for a few years with pretty much no bumps in the relationship, just overall had a really good time hanging around them when I could. We both write a lot and share our writing, and occasionally we talk about that writing/workshop it in passing.

In the past few years I've gone through a ton of life changes. Most notably I went from a multi-person household to a single-person one, and I've been living alone in a prohibitively costly city for a while now working 40 hour weeks and barely scraping by. As soon as the transition started I spent the last of my free income on a shitty little laptop so I could still write, putting down words on my bus/train commutes in the morning and quite literally writing on my breaks at work because I feel insane when I can't create. I bring this up to really stress that I don't have the time for the hobby, I force myself to make the time and even then it never feels like enough.

The only thing I can really stand to do with my 3 hours of free time at night is hang out with my moots online. I'm an extrovert so being around people recharges me. If I don't have designated social time I get super depressed and can pretty much feel my soul withering away. I also feel like I should probably mention that I kinda have a slew of mental issues, personality disorders and PTSD and AuDHD and the works. Point being, shit is rough my dude, but I am a person who likes to work hard and face challenges head on and even though we strugglin, we doing it with a positive outlook.

But! I am an incredibly solution-oriented person and I have found what I personally believe to be a good balance. No one should have to live like this, but I do, and I have found a way to be happy. My writing and my social time is all load-bearing. It is not something I just choose to do on a whim, it's all planned and scheduled and I adhere to those routines very strictly because, I cannot stress this enough, I will go fucking bonkers if I don't.

I'm mutuals with a lot of writers obv, and I sadly don't have time to read their work anymore, unless I get some extra time on my days off or something gets cancelled or like, I end up taking a vacation. I carry a great amount of guilt for this, though, even though I logically know it's reasonable. I try to support them where I can, cheer them on when I see them writing and tell them how cool their ideas sound, hype them up even when I can't actually read & review.

One of the things I do is sometimes I leave a kudos on fic I haven't read. I'm not trying to be ingenuine, and if they asked me I'd tell them like 'Oh I didn't read it yet, just wanted to show support!' but to me it's kinda like ripping a paper tab off a poster so that other's feel inclined to do the same. Plus my pals get a little email and a hit of serotonin.

Except one of my acquaintances, the one I mentioned at the start here, saw that I left kudos on a couple pieces another mutual of mine wrote this year. They more or less blew up my DMs with a ton of accusatory (like, literally presented like a 'GOTCHA!') stuff about how I was selective in who's fic I read, more or less implying that I secretly held some sort of grudge or negative feeling toward them and was making the conscious decision not to read or interact with their writing because of. Something, I don't actually know what they were trying to say. They also told me they vented to their friends about this MULTIPLE times, but they never once approached me to let me know they were feeling paranoid or neglected, they literally just took the most bad faith reading of it possible and then presented that to me like it was something I intentionally did, while the whole time I was unaware.

I tried to explain to them the kudos thing, that I didn't do it to every story, just ones I caught/noticed in my busy schedule. And I laid all this out and asked, multiple times, what free time am I supposed to read with? They didn't answer, and doubled down, kept trying to show me 'proof' that I was shorting them and no one else. Once they started to realize how wrong they were they backed down, but they didn't really apologize, or admit they were wrong, and they tried to end our relationship and left every single server we were in together. Because of some other unrelated stuff going on in my life, I didn't really consider them to be a close friend, but they were someone I really held dear and would've walked through hell for if they'd asked.

I still feel like there is something I'm missing here, and that's why I wanted to ask if I'm TA. I'm a pretty good communicator but one of the things I told myself when talking down my disordered thoughts (guilt about this prior) was "no one in their right mind would use reading fanfic as a metric for friendship." Now that I've had that exact thing happen, I'm starting to think maybe those thoughts weren't so disordered. Maybe this IS a big deal, and I should think about it more, but I don't even know what the solution to that would be. I just. Don't have time to read something lovingly crafted and appreciate it for what it is. All the hours in my week are used up, I'd have to lose sleep for this and with my mental health the way it is that is not an option.

Feel free to be a brutal, my skin is thick. Thanks!

What are these acronyms?

[minervas-hand]

Right to fear, wrong to believe

Just had a horrible realization and needed to meta it out.

How different they were before Edinburgh, when Crowley was sucked down into Hell.

Look at this flirty babygirl in the Bastille:

I mean could he climb that tree any faster?

(This is why I really like fics that place a more physical relationship here, pre-Bastille or just post-Bastille, because c'mon look at them. )

In S1 the next thing is 1862 and Crowley asking for insurance (with a cane ffs). And Aziraphale freaking out with his "fraternizing" BS. It's jarring, until we get 1827 filled in for us in S2.

@takeme-totheworld notes in this post:

Crowley sure went from "our respective head offices don't actually care how things get done" and "nobody ever has to know" to "walls have ears" FAST after Edinburgh. And Aziraphale went from looking at Crowley with hearts in his eyes to "I've been FrAtErNiZiNg" just as quickly. I'm more convinced than ever that Edinburgh was the first time Crowley ever actually got caught and punished for fucking around with Aziraphale/doing good deeds/whatever it was they yanked him back down to Hell for, and it scared the absolute shit out of both of them and changed the whole tone of their relationship after that.

Yes! - it's clear to me as well that the Edinburgh graveyard was a very bad turning point, where they both saw that Hell was listening and would intervene. And it did change their relationship drastically, for over a century and a half (really, until looming Armageddon loosened up the stakes for them).

But what about Heaven?

See the thing is, we know Azi's been worried about Heaven watching him for the past 6000 years.

But they haven't.

[GIFs posted by starrose17]

All this time, and Heaven had not seen them together. Hadn't noticed. Had not even LOOKED.

I want to mention what @starrose17 says about this here in this post:

What I love about this is her choice of words, “went back through the Earth Observation files.” This implies that these photos were already filed somewhere meaning somebody had to have been watching them which meant somewhere in the depths of the bureaucratic heaven there’s an underpaid angel clerk tasked with watching angels on Earth, and he’s been hording photos of his favourite Angel/Demon couple not reporting them to Michael because he wants to see what happens.

And that's exactly what this fic covers!: Spying Omens by @ednav

(Give this a read, it's fabulous.)

While I am here for this being exactly how that happens, the other scenario is colder and worse - there's no one watching, at all. It's just filing automatically and never seen until some Scrivener is called to pull a file.

From @fuckyeahisawthatat's comment here :

I found this scene to be quite chilling, actually. Not only is the idea of Heaven as a surveillance state brilliant (way to make “God is always watching” sound way more ominous) but this is exactly how modern surveillance states work. They don’t actively watch everybody all the time. That’s not physically possible for humans, and even if it is metaphysically possible for Heaven, it’s not a very efficient use of resources. Surveillance states watch people they deem “suspicious.” And once you’ve been put in the category of “suspicious,” they have massive amounts of data that they can comb through to collect a lot of information about you–to retroactively build a case justifying why you’re suspicious, to collect information about where you go and who you associate with, etc.

Yes.

So we either have secret collusion in the rank and file, or we have a surveillance state that is constantly reinforced to its subjects for fear's sake, for control.

(Well, it obviously could be both.)

BUT my point is… Up until Edinburgh, Hell has not been watching (or caring at least). And up until near the end of Armageddon't, neither has Heaven.

Oh, my poor Angel. Thousands of years, of denying yourself, of pushing Crowley away, of carrying around a tension that is it's own constellation.

After 1827 you might have reason, but for the 5000+ years before that?

Thousands of years and Heaven was not watching nor cared.

You were right to fear. And you were wrong to believe.

And that just breaks my heart.

[cho-aaacho]

I looked at you, I thought it was love

Masterlist

Summary : "I talk as if I know all about love, and I act as if I'm going to cry, saying I was truthful back then and saying it hurts me too. I'm sorry."

Warning : Angst

"Satoru-kun..."

A weary sigh escapes, audible when that name is uttered. Satoru doesn't turn around; instead, he remains silent, sweating, as if weighed down by something.

After three years of his absence, you found yourself summoning the courage to meet with your ex-boyfriend. 

Though you hadn't planned on it, a single thought lingered in your mind: you should meet him. You wanted to explain everything and clarify your relationship with him.

"Satoru-kun?"

Your voice echoes, calling once again with a slightly emphasized tenderness, puzzled by Satoru's lack of response. He had never been like this before; he always cared about you and loved everything about you, making it clear that you were his. 

You could always feel the tenderness of his love, the smoothness of his lips on yours, the gentle kiss on your neck, and the way he hugged your presence within his warm body.

Also, there are the tranquil eyes that imprint the soul, the serene quartz that clouds your thoughts, and the soft strands that evoke memories, most of which you wish not to forget.

But when did he change into this? Maybe when that woman came into his life—his old friend, he claimed—the one who had been involved with him since high school.

You couldn't wrap your mind around how someone like him could betray you. Even though you heard it from others and denied it at first after seeing him embrace that woman gently, kiss her in public, and boldly announce her as his new girlfriend, everything around you seems to fall.

You both were still young at the time, you knew that very well. Such things often happen in young love.

Satoru inquires, "How did you find me?"

"Haibara-san mentioned your art gallery; it looks like I'm the only person you haven't informed about this," you respond.

As you tried to compose yourself, you noticed a faint smile on his face. It was the same smile you'd always seen, yet there was something different about Satoru's eyes...

...they seemed

empty.

He chuckled, shaking his head. "I didn't expect you to come here."

He seems to be trying to not care and hide the truth that he yearns for you, eagerly awaiting your return, longing for your sweet scent and the lovely endearments as in the old days. 

"It's been three years; how's your day, Satoru-kun? Are you still with her?"

"My day?" He chuckled. "Not as good as when you're around."

The void is engulfed in silence, hanging thick in the air as Satoru wrestles with his tears, battling to keep his emotions in check. A painful flashback hits him like a tidal wave when he sees you.

Looking back on it only fuels his frustration, leaving behind a pain that leaves no visible scars on his fragile heart. 

Why does everything feel so bad? So agonizing? Even the surroundings seem out of place and surreal.

Satoru asks softly. "Are you seeking revenge? By leaving me and going with him? That's what you want to tell me?"

You laugh amidst tears. "Look at yourself before speaking."

"Are you here because you're marrying someone else?" he asked. "I couldn't care less about that man, but why are you here to inflict such pain? Am I the one at fault? Tell me."

You bite your lower lip. "Well, you're the one who dumped me back then, aren't you? You chose her over me. Did you think I didn't know? For a long time, I held onto faith in you, but you shattered my trust. So why are you causing me more pain when I couldn't do the same to you?"

There's a pause, and you continue. "I'm sorry if my actions have caused you suffering; yes, I know, I can't forgive what you did. But I need to heal my heart now, and unfortunately, you're not the one to do that. I'm sorry if that sounds naive or perhaps cruel."

"I hope I still love you the way I loved you in the past, but unfortunately everything has changed. I don't want to lie to myself." You added and peeked at the wedding invitation on the table where your name and Geto Suguru's are on it.

Is it all right? All of this? Did you really want this? 

He stood up and reached out to you, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you into his embrace, and hugging you from behind, keeping you by his side for a while. You could feel him crying, trying not to let himself be swept away by the sensation, and convincing himself that all of this was just a dream. 

He bit his lower lip, checking if it was a dream or reality, only to realize that he was hurting himself by doing so.

He leaned down, placed his chin on your shoulder, and whispered, "I'm not afraid of you leaving; I'm afraid you'll forget me. I don't want to die with us hating each other. Please, come back to me, I'm sorry."

He continues. "Could we still meet, even though the world we tread upon doesn't allow us to meet each other? Will you always be the love of my life?"

But why now? 

Why, after you've found another man who's willing to heal your heart? Why did this happen to you?

Was Satoru just acting? Or were all the things you saw in the past just illusions? How could Satoru act in such a way and make you feel at fault?

Was he trying to manipulate you?

You never know.

[letsgetrowdy43]

Not strong enough (Rowan's Version)—

reader x usntdp u18 2018-19 team

Based on the song "Not Strong Enough" by Boy Genius

Warnings: Sexism & Men (they deserve the tw)

Ro's 1000 follower celly

Au Masterlist!!

"Black hole opened in the kitchen, every clock's a different time. It would only take the energy to fix it, I don't know why I am"

“She’s the glue,” Jack grinned and looked over to Cole who smiled back at him, “every team has that person who keeps the group together, and for us, she’s that person.” “She’s our everything really” Trevor interjected as the interviewer nodded her head.

The woman wore a red blazer, in her hands were a few cue cards, messy handwriting full of questions covered the tiny pieces of paper as she grinned at the boys sitting on the couch in front of her.

“How about her game? Explain it to me,” she smiled as Alex sat up. “She’s electric, elegant almost with how agile she is,” the other boys nodded, “her IQ is above all, and her playmaking is so effortless.”

“We wouldn’t be half the team without her,” Cole added. “These accomplishments are because of her, none of these records or wins would’ve happened if she wasn’t in that locker room,” Jack finishes off the interview with a grin as the camera shuts off and the industrial lighting goes out.

“That was an amazing boys, thank you,” the cameraman and director said as he shooed the boys out of the room.

★★

"The way I am, not strong enough to be your man, I try, I can't stop staring at the ceiling fan and, spinning out about things that haven't happened. Breathing in and out"

Y/n watched her interview with tears, a huff leaving her lips as she stared at the ceiling in defeat. “What about the boys? You find them cute?” The woman in the red blazer said with a chuckle.

The cue cards of in-depth questions were nowhere to be seen as the teenage girl sat on the couch in her Team USA jersey. Embarrassment filled her face as she looked behind the camera to see the direct, wondering how on earth this question was even real.

“These boys are like my brothers,” she smiled, tone a little peeved as she stared at her hands, “they are my team, the ones I go to battle for.” A semi smile worked its way into her face as she thought back to the past years with the boys, and how life-changing this team has been for her and for her game, “on the ice we are dynamic, and off the ice, they are my best friends,” she answered honestly

That’s about as far as she could make it into the video before having to turn it off.

The boys received such beautiful questions and were given the opportunity to share such meaningful words. While on the other hand, she was painted out to be some narrative

It was total bullshit.

★★

"Drag racing through the canyon, singing "Boys Don't Cry" Do you see us getting scraped up off the pavement? I don't know why I am"

“Give ‘em hell my girl,” was always Ellen’s words to the teen before she stepped on any ice, whether it be a game or a practice. It held such a strong sentiment, and Ellen was such a strong role model in her life.

They were also the first words said to her the moment she got the call inviting her out to the draft combine in Buffalo, her billet mother pulling her into her arms hug as she cried into Ellen’s arms “I’m so proud of you y/n,” she whispered as the tears subsided with the entrance of the boys who had been waiting for this moment.

“Are those good tears or bad tears?” Alex asked as y/n wiped them away. “Good ones,” she croaked as both Jack and Alex lunged at her.

Not only was this the biggest moment of her life, but this was also one of the biggest moments in female hockey history. The first-ever teenage girl prospect in an all-male league, it was overwhelming, but it was the first step in the direction of change.

★★

"The way I am, not strong enough to be your man, I lie, I am just lowering your expectations. Half a mind that keeps the other second-guessing, close my eyes and count"

“A female prospect?” The interviewer mumbled as he looked through his list of draftees. “It’s progressive,” another man with a clipboard mumbled with a shrug as he sipped his coffee.

“It’s unorthodox,” another person mumbled as one of the interns left to go and fetch the girl from the next room over, “politics and sports don’t coexist,” he added causing a few chuckles around the table.

The only female interviewer tapped her pen on the wooden table, her brows raised and her anger levels starting to rise as she looked at all of the men in the room. “You are making decisions for a billion-dollar company, every single decision and movement you make is due to the outcome of the political climate,” she said hastily before the door opened and all of the people in the room stood to greet the young prospect

The older woman’s hand was the first one out for the young girl to shake as she greeted her with a warm smile and a firm handshake. “Please take a seat, we’re so glad to get the chance to sit down with you!”

★★

"Always an angel, never a god. Always an angel, never a god"

Draft day had to of been the most stressful day ever, the NHL reached out a few weeks prior hoping to include her in their “Welcome to NHL” mini-documentary about her experience on the draft day.

Her hand shook as she stared at herself in the mirror, a small smile on her lips as she looked towards the camera. “Ready to make history?” She mumbled as she looked back at herself she fixed her lavender suit jacket.

"Always an angel, never a god. Always an angel, never a god"

Jack pulled her in for a hug as she got down to the bus, his hand cradling the back of her head as he held her tightly, “I can’t believe this is real,” he mumbled as she pulled away with a proud smile.

The second her heels hit that red carpet she was immediately anxious, she spun the gold ring on her thumb as Quinn and her older brother each patted her on the shoulder and sought out to find their designated entrance as she went through the carpet and the media.

“This colour is beautiful,” the interviewer said as she took in the bold outfit. “The man who designed the suit was very adamant that it was my colour,” she mumbled as she unbuttoned the loose-fitting Jacket.

The interviewer grinned, “As most draftees do, are there any little things about this suit that make it personal?” The girl opened her blazer to showcase a listen of names written in a deep shade of violet on the inside of her suit lining, “these are all of the women in my life who have pushed and haven’t received the recognition that they deserve,” her fingers ran over the writing as she smiled.

“These are the women and the role models who have fought for me to be in this place today, and have given me this opportunity to make history,” she nodded and unveiled the other side. A tiny embroidered quote that said “give ‘em hell,” was sewn into the other side, little flowers decorating the message as the interviewer grinned.

“And this is an ode to the woman who went above and beyond, and fought for me to be in this position,” she smiled as the interviewer wished her luck and sent her on her way

"Always an angel, never a god. Always an angel, never a god"

“Hold my hand,” she whispered to her dad, the man pulling the cell phone out of her hand to get her off Twitter for a moment, “people hate me,” she frowned as she looked at her father who shook her head. “People are afraid of change, you are strong you have worked harder than any of the boys in this room,” he whispered as her eyes filled with tears, nodding slowly as she leaned her head against his shoulder, “you are so worthy of greatness, and it'll come when the time is right,” he finished as her attention turned to Gary Bettman who was beginning to walk across the stage.

The boos began, and so did the anxiety.

"Always an angel, never a god. Always an angel, never a god"

One by one her teammates were picked off, proud smiles on her face as they each stopped by her to thank her for everything.

She sent each one of them off with a hug and some choked-up words as they made their way to the stage to live out their dreams. And one by one her dream slowly crumbled, like a glass castle that had been shattered, as the Blues picked their final pick on the second day in the seventh round Y/n felt the emotion rip through her. But instead of cracking, she held her head high and walked out of the arena with the entirety of her family behind her.

The second she was away from the cameras and the fresh air hit her lungs she began to crack.

A sob ripped through her as she sat on the curb, her hands pulling at the roots of her hair, “I was supposed to- I was supposed to make a difference,” she cried as a hand ran over her back. “I'm sorry sweet girl,” Ellen's soft voice sounded as the tears kept coming.

“I worked so much harder than the boys, I trained my ass off, I sat through the sexist interviews, but none of it will ever be enough,” the cries grew louder and louder as she leaned against the woman. “I did everything I could, and I will never meet my dreams,” she said defeated as Ellen held her tightly.

“I know baby, it's unfair, you deserve it just as much as the boys” she whispered, tears staring in her own eyes as she watched the girl who had been a daughter to her shake with a look of distraught on her face.

The girl wiped the underneath of her eyes, her fist finally unclenching as she sniffled, “I will never be enough,” she whispered and looked up to see the photographer taking a photo from across the street too which she just shook her head and sighed.

★★

"I don't know why I am the way I am, there's something in the static, I think I've been having revelations. Comin' to, in the front seat, nearly empty skip the exit to our old street and go home"

The draft had come and gone, and the boys each headed off to the new destinations in their lives. She ended up in Minnesota, as a freshman on the women's hockey team. Division one college hockey had always been on her list of things she wanted to experience, and it was everything she imagined.

It was slow, life slowed right down when she stopped putting that pressure on herself to always be the very best. The girls were sweet, but they knew what she had gone through during the summer, some a little envious, some a little sorrowful to know the struggles that she'd endured in the pursuit of her possible professional career.

The boys called often, to tell her about the little things, shared what their lives now entitled, whether it be in the league, or in university, wanting their favourite girl to know that they were always thinking of her.

Jack was a constant call in her life, a rookie who now carried the burden of being one of the potential greats. "It's really not all as great as they paint it out to be," he mumbled tiredly. It kind of felt like a stab in the heart sometimes, for him to be so ignorant to the pressure she had been other previously and then tell her that maybe she was lucky she would never get to experience the so-called 'torture' he was experiencing.

"Jack, do you know how badly I would kill to be in your shoes right now, to be worthy enough to prove myself to an entire league," she scoffed as the tears started, "do you know how much I wanted that, do you know how much I pushed myself to make it to that draft and then to be turned away after all of that work?" "I know," he sighed. "I don't think you do, 'cause at the end of the day you're calling me to complain about an amazing opportunity," she huffed as she heard the sniffles on the other end, heart squeezing a bit knowing that she was being hard on him.

"I'm sorry, it's just you have such talent, you're just in a slump J," he hummed in agreeance on the other end, "and you're gonna do such amazing things, you just need to push through it." "Should I give 'em hell?" "You need to raise Hell J," she finished her pep talk as he whispered a quiet Thank you and then hung up.

★★

"Go home alone"

She remembers the phone call so clearly, sitting in her dorm in her junior year, moving in only a few days prior as she started to get ready for her classes.

the phone rang twice before she answered the call, and an unknown number appeared on the screen as she stared at the random digits. "Hello?" "Is this Y/n L/n?" "This her," she said with a clear voice, brows furrowed as she held the phone a little away from her face to see if maybe she now recognized the number.

"Great! This is Tom Fitzgerald, GM of the New Jersey Devils," her heart dropped, and she sat up quickly as she looked at her roommate with wide eyes, "we would like to invite you to Jersey for the weekend, Lindy Ruff would like to meet you and have a chat about some sort of deal!" "Of course, I'm free whenever," her hand covered her mouth in shock as she felt the slight tremor of her hands, "thank you for this opportunity Sir," the man hung up the phone as she stared at her screen with wide eyes.

A smile rested on her face as a notification popped up.

My turn to tell you to raise hell! 😈❤️

Jack's number appeared just above the message as she looked up to her roommate. "Holy shit"

-

-

-

Kinda scared to post this 🫣

[topichoon]

Like A Summer Breeze - Lee Heeseung

genre(s). fluff, smut, crack, and friends to lovers trope

pairing. bestfriend!heeseung x fem!reader

WARNINGS: pet names, reader shares about their insecurities, kissing, public sex (in hot tub), fingering, p in v, oral (f receiving), any more..?

a/n. I felt very in the summer mood ig sooooo I decided to write this! it was so much fun to write as well like i was enjoying it the whole time😭

The scorching hot sun shines into my room peeking through from the window. This reminds me that it’s the first day of summer break finally. Last year was my freshmen year in college and it was quite hard to adjust since I'm not good with big changes, but overtime I got used to it. Sometimes it makes me sad to think about my old friends from high school since I haven't talked to most of them for a long time, but I honestly can’t wait for what the future will bring me. I'd prefer a healthy relationship, since that's been on the top of my list for years now. I’ve had a few boyfriends in the past, but they never lasted. I try to tell myself that I just haven’t found the right one yet but when I see all of my friends happily with their relationship it makes me doubt if someone will even love for who I am.

Just like my last relationship with Choi Beomgyu, the school's frat boy whose most known to get himself around whenever he can. I should’ve known not to fall for one, but I just couldn’t help myself. Whenever a man gives me the slightest amount of attention after I've been in so many bad relationships it makes me think they actually want me. And not just for all the sexual aspects like they’ve always wanted. Of course, I like doing sexual things with my lover but when that's the only thing they truly want from me that's where I have to draw the line.

One time with my first boyfriend back in my junior year of high school, he wanted me to give it up my virginity to him, and I did because I thought he actually loved me for more than sex. But right after I gave him what he wanted, he got up and left then ghosted me. I hadn't seen him in ages since he suspiciously switched high schools but to my surprise he applied to the same college as I did. And I always see him around campus with another girl wrapped around his finger. I wonder if he changed but to my assumptions and seeing him with a new girl practically every day I wouldn't doubt if he's still the same.

That's why I’m very thankful for my best friend Heeseung, we’ve been best friends since birth basically since our moms were friends' way back when, so we were prone to being friends as well. He’s always there for me when something went wrong and reassuring me that everything going to be okay. Every time one of my relationships had ended, he was always there to comfort me. He’s sort of in the same boat as me when it comes to relationships, but as the male he isn’t the one taking advantage of the girl, it’s the exact opposite.

He hasn’t told me much about his romantic life but when he does, I make sure not to forget it because that's usually a sign that it was bad. One particular relationship with a girl he had last year was terrible. And I’ve never seen him cry so much in his entire life, which made my heart break for him to see how much he cared about her and how she just threw him to the curb.

The girl had been cheating on him their whole entire relationship but never said a word, I guess Heeseung was too oblivious to figure out right away. But I don't blame him because he was so in love and when you're truly in love you have your full trust in your significant other, which is what happened he did trust her with his entire life, but she took that for advantage. Overtime he had grew some suspicions due to her always getting back past 12am and making excuses that it was for "work" or something stupid. But the real way he found out himself was he caught her with a guy in her car late at night when he was looking out his window waiting for her to arrive back from "work". At this point when he saw those two in his car his heart shattered completely, he couldn't believe the girl he thought he was going to marry did this to him.

When he finally opened up to me and told me what happened with his ex-girlfriend, he didn’t tell me what they were doing in the car but from how upset he was I can almost guarantee it was tragic. So, what better option is there to cope than applying for an ice cream shop job on a pier. We both applied a couple weeks ago at the same time by filling out an online application, and we finally heard back a few days ago. We made it a competition to see who would get in because they were only looking for one person at the time. But to our surprise their last employee quit, so the owner reached out to us and said we were in.

Most people would take employees quitting as a negative thing, but we were just excited that we would be doing this job together for the rest of the summer. Same time, same hours, same everything. The dress code on the other hand isn’t even bad, but the owner said that we could wear whatever we wanted to since he doesn’t really care anymore as long as we’re doing our job. So, I’ll probably just settle for a bikini paired with jean shorts on the bottom because I don’t want it to be too revealing since basically all of my swimsuits are not very family friendly and technically the real job is to be serving ice cream not dressing like a prostitute for goodness sakes.

Hee 😼: You ready for our first day on the job 😭

Me: yeah…definetly😐 bro what do i do if someone tries to hit on me??!

Hee 😼: idfk! Just go along with it…? Also did you just brozone me

Me: you’ve been brozoned your whole entire life 🤣

Hee 😼: i’m. Blocking. You.

Me: NO WAIT PLEASE DONT I BEG🙏

Hee 😼: why are you begging you weirdo😟 (do it more often)

Me: okay nvm pls block me now i’m not talking to you anymore🙄

Hee 😼: you know i could never block youuu

Me: stop this lovey dovey stuff NOW my friends just asked me if we were dating.

Hee 😼: you know you wish we were dating😘

Me: ...

Hee 😼: well i’ll be there in 10 see you soon my beautiful girlfriend😜

I roll my eyes and throw my phone onto my bed and put on my pink bikini set and slid my jean shorts on. And then slide on some sandals paired with one of my seashell bracelets that Heeseung got me as a kid on our “10-year bff anniversary” or so he calls it. I always wear it no matter what even when I’m not with him.

I just feel protected whenever I wear it because I know it’s from him. And he always wears my handmade coastal styled necklace I made him everywhere he goes. I finish tying my hair back into a low braid and take a quick check in the mirror before heading to the front door. I take a peek out the front door window and see him parked in the driveway. I exit my house and go into the passenger seat.

“Hey y/nnn!” Heeseung smiles while looking over at me. I take a moment before responding because I was a bit distracted with his choice of outfit. And because he looked good. Like really good.

A white button up polo with all the buttons undone. Finished with his black shorts. He seemed to notice how long I was looking at him, so he decided to speak, “y/n~ my eyes are right here” he points to his eyes with a sly grin plastered on his face.

“Oh whatever..” I playfully roll my eyes in response to him. He laughs before backing out of my driveway. He turns and grabs my seat tightly while backing out, the grip and veins from his hand makes me think some very interesting thoughts.

But I quickly snap out of it once I realize he would think that's probably weird of me but in all honesty, my self respect is long gone just from seeing his hands if I'm going to be honest. “You look really good by the way.” Heeseung says softly, the blush on his face getting redder by the second.

“Thank you hee, you don’t look too bad yourself.” I attempt to say confidently but instead sound shy. But how could I sound confident in myself when this is THE Lee Heeseung after all. Even though we’ve been friends for many years I still get nervous around him because his aura is so damn intimidating.

My friends say it’s because I like him, but I honestly get nervous around every guy. I think it’s normal, but I guess they think otherwise. Although in their defense I did get upset and jealous when he was with another girl, but it’s solemnly because I didn’t want him to get hurt again!

We arrive at the ice cream shop 1 hour before opening so hopefully we can learn our way around and see how everything works. The shop is pretty spacious and much bigger than I expected it to be. So, I am very thankful that we came here early because if we didn't, I would not know what to do.

“Y/n if I’m going to be completely honest with you, I don’t know how to make ice cream...” Heeseung curls his lips trying to hide his laughter.

“What?! How do you not know how to make ice cream?” I look at him with my jaw dropped and a shocked look on my face totally missing his joke for being serious.

To which he returns a loud laugh and replies, “I was just messing with you! You should’ve seen the look on your face!” He continues laughing while pointing at my still confused face.

I laugh as well while shaking my head in disbelief. I can’t believe I almost thought this idiot didn’t know how to make ice cream. I mean there could be a chance but he’s not that dumb to not know how to scoop ice cream and simply put it into a cone.

We finally get all set up in the shop and get ready while standing in front of the 2 cashier registers, one for me and one for him. “Let’s make it a competition to see who can get more people to come to their register. Okay?” I challenge him with a smirk on my face.

“Game on. I already know I’m going to win.” He pats my head gently before returning back to the register since the customers are already walking inside.

We had already served a lot of customers and it was close to ending time but just before we were going to start packing up one more girl walked in. She had nice freshly done beach wave curls, along with a skimpy bikini. The more I analyzed her closely she had a way better body than me, she had bigger tits and a big ass.

As she walked in further, I could already tell who she was going to go to. Heeseung. I almost felt jealous. I already knew I wasn’t good enough for him but damn just seeing her hit hard enough. Heeseung got off his phone and looked at her.

I took a deep breath in and out, curling my lips anxiously. As she walked closer, I felt very insecure, I didn’t have big tits or a big ass they are way smaller, and I am just skinny. I mean I have a flat stomach and a good set of abs, but guys don’t seem to like that anymore from what I've seen.

She transfers her gaze away from Heeseung to me surprisingly. She smiled at me brightly and came to my register. I was quite startled to be honest because I wasn’t expecting her to go to mine. I was so sure she was going to go try and hit on Heeseung but I thought wrong.

“Hello! I was wondering if I could have 2 mint ice cream cones, please?” She looks at me softly.

I quickly nod and type it all up into the register getting the total. Heeseung goes to the back and starts scooping up the ice cream.

“Will that be all for you today?” I return her smile and wait for her response.

To which she nods, “yes! My girlfriend and I are on vacation here, so we decided to stop here!” She says cheerily. I nod and grab her card from her swiping it across the side and return it back to her.

Oh my god. I was jealous of someone who was already in a happy relationship. How fucking sick am I; I should’ve known not to be jealous of someone at first glance. But in this case...I was.

Heeseung brings the ice cream cones up to the front and she grabs them from his hands saying a quiet “thank you” and walks out.

When she walks out Heeseung turns and looks at me and walks over “you were jealous weren’t you?” He chuckles while shutting down the registers.

“Why are you asking?” I question him out of curiosity. Quite confused why he would ask this out of the blue. But also, I wanted to know how he knew was it clear on my face that I was?!

“It was pretty obvious y/n,” he laughs quietly in between “but just know you’re beautiful just the way you are ynnie..I would pick you over anybody else if you gave me the chance...” he walks over to my and hugs me from behind.

“And also…I love your body.” He runs his hands up and along the side of my torso. “So, if you ever are insecure about yourself, just know I think you’re fucking hot and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.” He buries his face into my neck while saying this.

“Just so you know if that girl was trying to hit on me or make any moves, I would’ve shut her down right away.” Heeseung’s warm breath hitting my neck causing shivers to get sent down my spine.

"And also...I won~" He pulls away smirking and collects his tips from the tip jar. While I just stand there completely dumbfounded from everything that just happened.

HEESEUNG’S POV

Ever since I hit puberty, I saw y/n in a completely different way than before. I felt this romantic connection with her, and it never went away no matter how many relationships I got in. And sometimes it feels like she actually wants me, but other times it feels the exact opposite. Like she could honestly care less about me and just ditch me for someone else better than me. It's hard to understand her you know. Which is why I've tried so hard to not have feelings for her because I know it would never work out, we're best friends and she probably just wants to stay that way. Which I'm completely fine with it hurts to think that way but I would never force her into something that she wouldn't want.

I tried at least to prove my feelings for her last night at the ice cream shop by calling her “gorgeous” and “hot”, so if she does supposedly happen to have feelings for me, she would know I feel the same way. But I don’t think she got the memo and she most likely thought I was just being nice to her or something. But I’m willing to do whatever it takes if it means I can have her. Yesterday when I noticed her looking upset when that one girl walked in, I immediately felt bad. I want her to know that I wouldn’t choose any other girl over her.

It will always be her.

Y/N’S POV

It’s been about 2 months since we started the job and its now August. The last month of summer before we'll have to go back to college and go our separate ways again. Time flew by so fast, and I’m so upset that it’s almost coming to an end.

Sadly, we don’t go to same university, so we won’t be able to see each other as often. But last year we did manage to make it work as we facetimed frequently and hung out about once a month in person. If I’m telling the truth I don’t think that was enough time. But I’m glad to have the summer so we can grow back closer again before we grow apart over the school year just like last year.

Me: hee! do you wanna hangout today?

Hee 😼: yesss where?

Me: I was thinking your house? Because I know you got a hot tub recently 🤭

Hee 😼: dang I should’ve known you didn’t want to go because of me🥲🥲

Me: says who? Maybe I did want to see you as well🤷‍♀️

Hee 😼: knew you did😮‍💨 but so do I 🫣

Me: okay well I’ll be there in 5 does that work for you?

Hee 😼: anything works for me when it comes to you

Me: hmm okay then perf😩 I’ll see you soon

Hee 😼: bye ynnieee

I pull up to his house and get out of my car. Walking up to his door I quickly readjust my bikini as it was all over the place and showing basically everything from the car ride. Partially from being my most revealing bikini I have, but if I want to impress Heeseung that’s the way to go, I guess. And it's the last few weeks of summer so if I want to get his attention I don't have forever before he finds another girl on his campus.

I ring his doorbell and wait patiently but definitely not for long. Before I know it the door is already flung all the way open. Revealing a tall and handsome guy which is Heeseung.

He gestures me inside and shuts the door behind me. I catch him checking me out and it’s blatantly obvious to me. I grab his jaw and move his head up so now he’s looking into my eyes. When I get a clearer look at his face I notice his burning red cheeks. How cute…

He looks down at my lips for a split second then looks back up at my eyes. Licking his lips, his eyes are filled with need and desire. But I’m not going to give him that, yet I’ll make him work for it just like I've had to basically my whole life trying to get him to like me. I let go of his jaw and smile at his disappointed reaction.

“Wanna go in the hot tub now?” I ask him excitedly. Waiting for his answer he interlocks his fingers with mine and nods his head.

“Yeah, let’s go.” He mumbles. He leads me to his newly finished backyard.

We make it to the hot tub and he asks me, “what color lights do you want in the hot tub” he gulps before finishing his sentence “there’s blue, red—“

I cut him off before he can finish saying the colors before I blurt out “red.” He looks at me a little surprised but smirk’s instantly when he gets the memo.

He grabs the light switch cord and changes it to red and turns on the jets. I go to the stairs and slowly walk into the hot tub, getting used to the warm temperature. Heeseung walks behind me very closely.

We both sit on one of the ledges inside the hot tub and I turn to look at him. “Thanks again hee for letting me come over,” I say smiling widely.

“Anytime, I love seeing you as much as I can.” Heeseung fidgets with his fingers nervously. Of course, I notice this, so I decide to scoot a littl closer to him. Maybe he’ll get what I’m implying, I hope.

And to my surprise he does notice, and his cheeks feel like they’re on fire. “You know if you wanted to sit on my lap, you could’ve just asked?” He builds up the courage to ask.

I look at him with a small smirk and get on his lap like he said. His hands almost instantly go on my thighs massaging the inner corners. No man has ever taken their time to touch me like this, they just fucked me raw. But Heeseung…I’m determined to figure out how he fucks.

Our lips connect and move together at a perfect rhythm. It’s almost as if our lips were made for each other. Heeseung continues rubbing my inner thighs making me moan in between kisses. He inserts his tongue in my mouth, roaming all around. He tastes so sweet I’m addicted to his lips at this point. His lips so soft and plush and they work absolute miracles.

His hands working their way dangerously close to my throbbing core. Fuck I am so into this, I know this is wrong and this will ruin our friendship. But I could care less, the way he’s teasing me with his every movement makes me want him even more.

“Do you want this...?” Heeseung asks carefully before going further. I nod quickly but that doesn’t faze him. “Words yn.” He waits for me to actually confirm verbally.

“Yes, I want this so bad hee!” I whine desperately. He wastes no time before removing my bikini bottoms and starts rubbing my clit. Starting at a slow pace then working the speed faster overtime.

He takes one of my tits and wastes no time before taking it all into his mouth. He sucks on it likes it’s his last day on earth. His free hand playing with my other nipple making sure it doesn’t feel left out. He softly bites down on my nipple that’s in his mouth making me whimper in return.

My head drops back into his shoulder from the pleasure. His fingers felt so good, almost too good to be true. Along with his mouth working wonders his tongue licking all over my tit. The way he was doing so much to me at once made my eyes roll back.

He continues these movements before inserting one finger in. The feeling of his finger going inside me makes me go insane. A fleeted moan exits my body as he plunges another finger in.

“Doing so good ynnie…” he says in a dark huskily voice his voice vibrating on my tit. Thrusting his fingers in and out while my moans get louder. His fingers going deeper inside of me at a quick tempo makes my mind wander to how his dick would feel inside me.

“Fuck! I’m s-so close heeseungie..” I cry out my body squirming all over his clothed cock. Heeseung's swim trunks suddenly becoming 3x too tight from how painfully hard he is getting just from hearing these beautiful sounds come out of my mouth and the feeling of my warm walls clenching against his fingers.

“Oh yeah? Come on cum all over my fingers...” he whispers darkly in my ear.

Those words made me cum right away, immediately coating his fingers with my sweet juices. Part of me can’t believe I’m doing this but the other part of me wants to discover more.

He removes his mouth off my tit while placing one last peck on my nipple and says, “did so good f’me fuck, can’t wait to see how good you’ll feel around my cock.” He takes off his swim trunks and grabs my hips.

He lines me up and I slowly sink down onto his cock. His long shaft going further into me and going places no other man could ever reach. I wait for my gummy walls to adjust to his big size and length before I do anything.

“Okay I’m ready.” I breath out giving him the okay to start going.

He wastes no time before gripping tighter onto my hips and making me ride him. I grab onto the sides of the ledge inside the hot tub and grind my body along his lap. This throws him over the edge, and he moans.

My tight hole clenching down on his cock tightly that he just can’t get enough of. He bucks his hips up making me whine, “sorry baby you just feel too good...” his noises become more audible as I start bouncing up and down on his long cock.

“F-fuck..I’m going to cum if you keep doing that yn.” His head throws back his hands traveling all around my body. Once he says those words I speed up, his thickness stretching me out, but the pleasure gets rid of all the pain.

“Shit— I'm going to cum yn.. cum with me,” Heeseung grunted while his fingers dig deeper into my skin sure to leave marks the next morning.

“How about me make this a little more exciting,” he pauses building the anticipation “let’s do a countdown...” he growled bringing his face closer to my revealed neck. Placing love bites and hickies all over my collarbone.

“5….” Heeseung’s thrusts becoming rougher and reaching undiscovered spots.

Wet moans release my mouth from the way his tip is hitting all the right places. From the way he is breathing and groaning I can tell this countdown is as hard for him and it is for me. “4...come on you can do this yn” his eyes shut close at the extreme pleasure.

The way I’m clenching so tightly on his cock makes him go feral. He doesn’t know if he can even last 5 seconds because he needs to cum now. “Fuck— 3…” moans and grunts filling the area that the neighbors can for sure hear.

But we could care less the only thing we’re focused on is trying not to cum. Thank goodness his parents weren’t home today because they usually are since Heeseung has to go back to university in a week.

“2.... we're so close just keep holding on baby...” he rasps his voice low and dark.

“1...” the moment this leaves his voice is when I completely come undone onto his cock. Along with his warm seed spreading all over my insides.

Our breaths heavy and clothes gone if anyone looked out their window, they would now what just happen. But thankfully no one did, and we stay like this for a couple more minutes before we start collected our swim pieces.

He helps me tie my bikini top on along with my bottoms so we can look at least good enough to walk back in the house. Before getting his swim trunks back on he places a small kiss on my neck.

"Holy shit...I can't believe we just did that— but that was the best sex I've ever had in my entire life..." he chuckles while tying his swim trunks.

"Yeah, me either...but I do have to agree with you that was fucking amazing." I nod agreeingly watching him adjust his trunks and shake his wet hair.

"Here we should probably go inside so I can clean you up..." He grabs my waist and helps me get out of the hot tub since my legs basically feel just like Jello. That was most definitely the best fuck I've ever and probably ever will experience. And I am more than thankfully I had this opportunity before it was too late.

We walk in the house together to our relief his parents weren't home since they were on a business trip for a month. So, we went into the bathroom and undressed ourselves once again like earlier. I would love to do that again but I'm not quite sure if he can handle it.

He turns on the water and waits for it to get warm enough before we walk in. I immediately spot a ledge inside the shower and sit on it. I lean my head back and close my eyes. It's not long before I feel something wet lapping at my clit. So, I quickly look down and see a needy Heeseung desperately sucking on my clit. I smile and put my hands in his hair tugging slightly to give him a sign that I see him doing this. When he feels me pull on his hair he goes faster. Eating me out like it's his last meal but I am not complaining because this man is pussy drunk at its fullest.

The shower filled with echoes of my moans and whines making Heeseung proud to know he is making me feel this way. He is so determined to make me cum again and from the way he is sucking on my swollen clit and inserting his tongue in my entrance makes me almost positive I will.

"Pussy tastes so fucking good..." he groans while thrusting his tongue in and out of my hole. The vibrations of his voice on my clit makes me let out a wet moan.

"Fuck— f-faster! Heeseungie please..." I grip his hair tighter and start riding his face desperately. Heeseung smirks and tongue fucks me just how I asked for.

"I'm gonna c-cum!!" I whine bucking my hips upwards and slamming my eyes shut tightly.

"C'mon darling...cum on my face." His slurps and words being the only thing I can focus on at the moment. Everything around me feels like it's spinning from how good I feel.

I let out a breath and do as he says. Cumming all over his pretty face with my warm juices. "So good f'me..." he licks around his lips where some of my cum landing. Trying not to waste a single drop because he is so addicted to the taste.

We finished the rest of the shower washing each other's bodies off making sure not to miss any spots. But we ended up going for a round 2 anyways due to him getting hard and horny from washing my body. Later that night he had asked me to be his girlfriend and expressed his feelings he had for me ever since he was a kid, and I of course said yes. At last, we understood our feelings towards each other, and I was almost certain this relationship was going to last.

Ever since then work has been so much funnier and enjoyable when working together because we both had finally realized our feelings towards each other. We spent more time together outside of work and slept at each other's houses very often. Which was basically every single day, it's as if we were making up for all the lost time we could've spent together if we had expressed our feelings sooner. But in all honesty, we were just so in love that we didn't want to go without one another.

But of course, with every good that happens there is always a bad that follows with it. Summer break ends in a week which would mean we would have to separate for an entire school year. I knew it would be hard, but I was determined to make it work and so was he. I just hoped that it wouldn't be like last year when by the end of the year we barely talked to each other at all. But I have higher hopes this time that it will work out since we are actually official now.

Because I will always love him the first time and the last time. Forever and forever till death do us apart. I know he is the one for me which is why it took me a bit to realize it was him. Lee Heeseung. My one and only love. He has proven so many times this as well, he is such a gentleman and we even told our parents, and they were so happy for us. They had told us they knew this moment would come eventually which made me laugh because I had heard their conversations before about me and Heeseung and this topic was definitely brought up more than once.

The week had already passed, and it was now time to get back to college. I cried the whole day and Heeseung did as well, it felt as if it were too soon for us to leave each other. I knew it wouldn't be forever but it made it even harder knowing our colleges are very far apart so we couldn't just visit each other in person on a regular daily basis.

The first to go was Heeseung since his college was the farthest away, so he had to get going earlier than I did. It broke my heart seeing him load away his luggage's into the trunk because it made me really remember that we're separating. This whole summer we had grew so close, closer than any summer we've spent together. And to know that we're just going to grow back apart anyways.

I feel a small tear roll down my left cheek, the saltiness of it burning my skin. There was so many emotions I was feeling at once which made me so overwhelmed that I just was numb. What I do know for sure is that no matter how tough it will be to keep this relationship going I won't stop trying to make this relationship work.

He slams the trunk door shut quite loudly making me bite my lip realizing it was because he doesn't want to leave either. And is trying to take out his anger on regular things that have to be shut hard in his attempt to try and disguise it. But instead, I see right through his actions.

He walks over to me with tearfilled eyes and immediately wraps his arms around me hugging me tightly.

"I can't leave you..." He sobs into my neck. It hurts me to see him like this and I wish I could do something about it but I really can't.

"And also...I have something for you yn," he grabs out a necklace and places it in my hand, "don't open it until I'm gone, okay?" he waits for me to answer and I return him a quick nod.

He gives one last tight squeeze and long kiss before he has to leave. While opening the door he turns and waves at me while blowing a kiss. He turns back around and sits down into the seat. His driver slowly backs out of the driveway, and I see the faint outline of Heeseung's hand in the tinted window and I give a small wave back.

Since he is gone, I take out the necklace he gave me and take a further look at it. It's a heart shaped necklace and it has an opening; I open the heart and see a photo of us together from a long time ago.

But I notice something about the photo it's the summer of us when we were kids, but the specific day is when he kissed me. I now remember it all so clearly, the memories of us when we were out swimming in the ocean, and he "accidentally" kissed me.

I went out to deep in the ocean and couldn't swim very well so he had to swim out and rescue me. While bringing me back to shore he pressed a soft and short kiss on my lips he claimed that he "slipped on one of the rocks" but I always knew he was lying. Which I found super cute and adorable of him and it's also how I realized my true feelings and really understood who they were for. And of course it was for Heeseung.

I look next to the photo on my necklace and spot some writing on it. The words say,

To my one true love, who made me realize what love is actually like. I’ve always liked you more than you ever knew. In the end I’ve always wanted it to be. I love you so much yn. It’s you, it’s always been and always will be.

From: Lee Heeseung ♡︎

He went in and out of my life just like a summer breeze.

[bellatriestowritesometimes]

To Know - Part 2

aaron hotchner x reader

you can read Part 1 here!

warnings: none i don't think? just the usual angst.

tags: @jazzimac1967 mrs-ssa-hotch

word count: 6,4k

A/N: (scott foley (jake from scandal) is who i picture henry as). i'm aware that timelines don't match up, i simply just took the characters i wanted and wrote them into this story the way i needed them to fit.

**i haven't proof read this so there may be errors which i'll get to tomorrow**

hope u enjoy xx

It was 8 am when your alarm went off, however you were already awake. You hadn’t slept at all, a mixture of guilt and confusion kept you awake. Avery was still asleep next to you so you decided not to wake him.

You made your way into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting the water get warm whilst you slipped off your pyjamas. Once all of your clothes were off you stepped back in it and let the scolding water run down your skin. You began your shower routine but your mind was elsewhere.

You still couldn’t figure out if you regretted your actions. If you regretted going up to his room with that damn phone instead of leaving it at reception. You hadn’t thought about him for a long, long time and you were adamant that seeing him at your best friend’s wedding wouldn’t make you feel any different, but you were very obviously wrong. If you had known, you would’ve told Henry to remove him from the guest list.

You were happy with Avery is what you kept telling yourself and you never once questioned that until today.  Henry was the one that introduced you to one another and you were dating for over a year before he proposed and the two of you had eloped a few months later in Rome.

That was the fastest you had let anyone in, especially someone you were dating, but you thought surely things couldn’t end up worse with Avery than they did with Hotch.

-

You were now downstairs, fully dressed with a cup of coffee in your hand. You received a text from Henry informing you that there was a change of plans. Him and Luca were going to skip brunch but he didn’t want you to miss out on spending time with your former teammates so he left the reservation in place. Henry knew you didn’t get to see all of your friends from the BAU often anymore so he thought this would be a perfect time for a catch up. He had already paid for their flights and the hotel for the weekend and thought this would be a good way to end the trip before they all had to head back home tomorrow morning.

You heard shuffling upstairs which meant that Avery was now awake as JJ and her family were staying in the guest house which was situated towards the back of your garden. A few minutes went by and there he was in the kitchen with you.

“Good morning my love,” he spoke softly and placed a kiss on the top of your head,

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” He asked as he headed straight for the coffee machine. He was still in his pyjama bottoms and had thrown on a sweatshirt, you assumed it was because he didn’t know if you were downstairs alone or with JJ. As you watched him make his coffee, you couldn’t ignore the twinge of guilt that took over you.

“Just thought you deserved some extra rest,” you mustered up a small smile.

“Besides we don’t have to leave until just before 11,” you continued.

“Did you get home okay? I didn’t even hear you come in” Avery asked as he sat down opposite you.

“I did. Got in just after half past 3 I think, you were already asleep,” you replied and saw Avery furrow his brows slightly.

You could tell he was trying to silently work out why it had taken you close to two hours to get home when the hotel was only a 10 minute drive from where the wedding reception was, and it was only a 20 minute drive from the hotel back to your house.

“Emily threw up as soon as me and Spencer managed to get her upstairs to her room” you lied, “I stayed with her for a bit and got her settled,” you explained hoping that would be the end of the conversation.

You didn’t like lying to Avery. In fact, this was the first time you had done it, but you decided that for now you would keep what happened between you and Hotch a secret.

“That was nice of you,” he spoke and gave you a smile.

You heard someone slide the kitchen door open and turned around to see JJ making her way in with a cup of coffee in her hand.

“Good morning,” she chirped and took a seat next to you.

“Morning,” you and Avery both replied in sync.

“Looks like everyone is on the caffeine first thing today,” Avery joked as he stood up and saw the grip JJ had on her mug.

“Tell me about it – I could barely get myself out of bed let alone the boys so I’ve left Will in charge of getting them ready,” she replied.

Avery had excused himself to jump in the shower, leaving just you and JJ alone in the kitchen. 

You indulged in light conversation with her about the wedding yesterday, leaving the minuscule detail of you sleeping with Hotch out. She was showing you the pictures she had taken on her phone and you did the same.  She was swiping through pictures of Emily and Rossi until she got to one with Beth and Hotch. Her thumb hesitated slightly over her phone as she decided on what to do. She eventually continued swiping to the left, showing you the rest of the photos she had taken.

“Did you get a chance to speak with him last night?” She treaded lightly as she locked and laid her phone down to one side.

“Uhm no not really,” you lied once again. Although that wasn’t a complete lie because you genuinely didn’t… You were busy doing other things to him.

“Are you going to…?” she questioned sympathetically.

You let out a sigh, not out of annoyance but out of defeat. You couldn’t deny that you wanted closure, to know why he did the things he did. You weren’t stupid, you could piece most of the parts together, but you longed for the explanation to come out of his mouth and not out of your head. But that was something you were too stubborn to admit out loud. You had acted like this didn’t hurt as much as it did. You had put on a happy face for everyone and pretended that everything was okay and that you were fine, until one day it began feeling like this could eventually be okay, and that one day you were going to be fine and move past this. 

And you truly felt like you had reached that point, up until now where everything you had suppressed was coming back up.

“You need closure Y/N,” JJ said as if reading your mind. “I know it’s been years since the incident and you both have moved on but do you really want to waste any more time trying to figure things out on your own when you have the chance to do it now with him?” She placed her hand over yours, giving it a squeeze of encouragement.

“Just this once swallow your pride and go get the closure you deserve,” she finished.

-

The drive to brunch didn’t take long, you and Avery had taken both of your cars. JJ and the boys came with you whilst Avery and Will followed behind. It was a sunny day out and you welcomed the warmth you felt as you stepped out of the car. You had been to this brunch place several times with Avery before. It was a cosy little restaurant decorated with plants and flowers, with large floor to ceiling windows looking over the seating outside in the garden, which was where Henry had booked out a large table for everyone.

You made your way through the little restaurant until you reached the doors leading out to the garden area, you noticed everyone else was already seated and immersed in light conversation between themselves. Emily was sat at the end of the table so you took the free seat on her left with Avery sitting next to you. Opposite you sat Penelope and right next to her sat Beth along with Hotch.

You greeted Beth politely as you sat down, avoiding Hotch but you could feel his eyes on you.

-

The atmosphere seemed easy going as you all waited for the food and you had managed to avoid any direct conversation with Hotch or Beth, until the topic of wedding locations had come around.

“I don’t think I asked you where the two of you got married?” Beth asked innocently, aiming the question towards you and Avery.

Your eyes briefly shifted to Hotch who was watching you attentively. Bringing your eyes back to Beth, you answered her question.

“Rome” you said, “We got eloped in Rome,” you gave her a smile and placed your hand on Avery’s as you turned to him, your eyes silently begging for him to take this conversation over.  

“Aw that sounds so lovely!” Beth replied.

“Yeah it was quite sudden actually, we had been engaged for a few months and were on holiday and just decided to do it then and there…” Avery continued explaining, but you had zoned out completely and all you could focus on was Hotch, and the way his eyes hadn’t moved from yours since Beth’s question.

….

“I can’t believe we’re married,” you whispered in disbelief to your husband as he held you close during your first dance.

“I know. I am the luckiest man alive,” Hotch whispered back as his lips grazed gently over your ear.

He wasn’t much of a dancer and you knew he hated the attention so the two of you gently swayed to the music whilst your friends surrounded and watched in awe, probably all just as relieved that this day had finally come, knowing they didn’t have to watch you and Hotch hide your feelings for each other any longer.

“I want to go to Rome,” you declared softly, “just you and me, away from everyone and everything for a little while.”

“We can go wherever you want baby. I’ll have the flights booked for first thing tomorrow” he agreed.

The music continued to play and you moved closer to Hotch, resting the side of your head on his chest, feeling him breathe in and out which brought you some sort of tranquillity.

Everything after that happened in slow motion. Your breath was suddenly knocked out of you and your whole body felt almost on fire. You couldn’t understand what was happening, until you felt another blow to your chest. You had looked down, and what was once a white wedding dressed had now quickly turned into a deep shade of red.

You felt your legs give way and felt Hotch’s arms wrap around your waist in an attempt to catch you and gently lay you down. You remembered him taking off his blazer and using that to try and stop the bleeding that was coming from your chest. You could see his lips move and you could hear the commotion around you but couldn’t make out a thing he was saying. It wasn’t long until your vision got worse and the blurriness took over.

…..

“I’ve never been to Rome,” Beth’s voice brought you back to reality, “I’d love to visit one day.”

“You should, its beautiful,” you replied and looked at Beth bringing your attention to her instead of Hotch.

“Just going to use the ladies room,” you said quietly to Avery as you stood up and excused yourself.

You were trying to blink back the tears that were threatening to spill as you rushed to the nearest bathroom. You didn’t know if it was your mind playing tricks but you could’ve sworn you felt someone run after you. Your suspicion was quickly confirmed as you saw a hand reach in as you were shutting the bathroom door. You hesitated slightly and considered slamming the door shut anyway, but Hotch had used a bit more force and managed to get the door open just enough for him to squeeze in.

You turned away from him and gripped the sink as you threw your head down. You really didn’t want to do this, especially not now but you heard the lock click and knew he wouldn’t let you leave until you had spoken things through.

“Can we talk about what happened last night?” Was the first thing that came out of his mouth.  The bathroom was already small enough as it is and it had now felt even smaller with Hotch standing behind you watching your every move. The air felt thick and your heart was beginning to race.

“Nothing happened Hotch, it was a mistake. A mistake that you need to move on from instead of locking me in a bathroom and forcing me to give you an explanation - I’m not the one who needs to explain myself!” You raised your voice slightly and turned around to finally face him.

“Have you told Avery?” He asked calmly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Have you told Beth?” You retaliated getting visibly annoyed.

“No,” he stated simply as you looked away trying to focus on a painting that was hung on the wall.

The more you looked at him the more you wanted to crumble and you hated that. It made you feel weak. You had your own way of dealing with your emotions, which frequently involved supressing everything down and acting like everything was fine. Although it wasn’t the healthiest way of coping, it helped you become stronger. But there stood the man that was going to completely break down the wall you had spent so long trying to build up in a matter of seconds. 

“I wrote to you every day,” were the next words that fell out of his mouth.

“Where? In your diary?” You questioned knowing damn well you hadn’t received a single letter, email, text or call.

“I wrote you letters every single day,” he kept his tone gentle and calm as he tried moving closer to you.

“I didn’t receive a single fucking thing from you aside from the divorce papers!” You spat trying to take a step back but that was as far as you could go without falling into the sink.

“Maybe you should speak to Henry about that,” he replied dryly.

“So let me get this straight. You followed me into the bathroom, have practically trapped me in here just so you could blame my best friend for your own actions-“

“That’s not what I’m doing,” he interrupted to defend himself.

“That’s exactly what you’re doing Hotch, and the worst part is you’re telling me all of this now when Henry isn’t here to speak for himself!” You were having none of it. You couldn’t believe the audacity he had to try and spin this on Henry, who was the one that was actually there by your side when you needed him to be.

“Y/N I did what I thought was best. What everyone thought was best to keep you and Jack safe. I tried reaching out to you once Jack and I were safe to come out of witness protection, but you sent me a letter saying that you’ve moved on with your life, and that it was best for us to go our own separate ways.” He took another step closer trying to grab you but you pushed him away.

“Get away from me!” You warned as you tried to process everything that he was saying.

“Y/N please. Why would I lie to you? Do you really think that low of me?” You could hear the desperation in his voice once again, just like you heard it the first time in his hotel room. 

“You don’t want to know the answer to that,” you let out a laugh. You felt dizzy, like the rug had just been pulled from beneath your feet. You could hear what he was saying but none of it was making sense, or you didn’t want it to make sense because that would mean the one person who was pretty much the only family you ever had, had spent years lying to you.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, you didn’t deserve to go through any of it. You may not think much of me now but you have to believe that I didn’t want for any of this to go the way that it did. It killed me leaving you behind, not knowing if you were going to be okay or not. I waited until you were out of surgery but I couldn’t stay any longer without putting anyone else at risk.” He was finally saying all the things you wanted to hear but instead of them bringing you comfort or relief they brought you anger and pain.

“You need to go,” you tried to keep your voice steady.

“Please just go, I need a minute,” you spoke as you turned your back to him once again, trying to focus on the sink that was in front of you.

After a few moments had passed, you eventually heard the lock click again and the sound of the door shutting told you he left. You walked back to it and locked the door once again ensuring you had the privacy that you wanted.

You let out a sob that you were trying so hard to contain when Hotch was in here with you. Your hands flew to your mouth in an attempt to stop the uncontrollable cries you were letting out. You let yourself have 3 minutes to get everything out of your system before you left the bathroom and made your way back to your seat.

You looked just as you did when you left and no one even batted an eye when you came back.

“Everything all good?” Avery leaned into you.

“Yes love, just got a text from Henry. I’ll need to stop at his once we’re done here if that’s okay? Something about a case he’s working on,” you lied to your husband once again, but it was absolutely believable. Henry was a workaholic so Avery didn’t even question why he was working on a case just a day after his wedding.

Once everyone had drank, ate and spoke as much as they could you all decided that it was time to wrap the afternoon up. The group began dispersing with some going to do some sightseeing, some going to do shopping and some had headed back to the hotel.

JJs family had decided to do some sightseeing and decided to walk from the brunch place so you didn’t have to worry about driving them anywhere, but you and Avery offered to pick them up once they were done.

Your incident with Hotch had left you feeling even more confused than before and there was only one other person you could go to for answers. Avery had some errands to run and you told him you might be a while with Henry so that pretty much cleared the rest of the afternoon for you.

You made your way to Henry’s and Luca’s apartment, you weren’t sure if they were going to be home but that didn’t matter as you had the spare key that Henry had given you.

-

You had banged several times on their door and were about to use your spare key until Luca opened it.

“Hey what are you doing here?” Luca asked, surprised to be seeing you.

“Where is he?” You yelled as you stormed into their home, completely ignoring Luca’s question.

“He’s in his office, is everything okay? Has something happened? What’s he done now?” He questioned whilst trying to catch up with you as made your way to Henry.

The door to the room was slightly ajar and he was sat behind his task typing away on his computer.

“Where are they?” You shouted angrily, marching into his office.

“Where’s what?” Henry replied not even lifting his eyes away from the laptop.

“The letters Henry!” You called out and slammed his laptop shut almost trapping his fingers.

“What the hell was that?!” He asked as he abruptly stood up from his seat.

“What letters? What the hell are you on about Y/N?” He continued but once he took a good look at your face his confusion was replaced with realisation.

“You know exactly what I’m on about,” you hissed, “the letters that Hotch had sent me. You know the ones you forgot to tell me about?”

You heard Luca mumble an ‘oh god’ before he turned around and left the two of you in his office.

“Fine! You’re not going to tell me where they are I’ll just fucking find them myself!” You spat and began pulling everything out of his cabinets leaving a sea of papers all over his floor.

“Okay! Alright! I will give them to you, just please stop and let me explain,” Henry finally blurted out after having enough of watching you wreck his office.

You stopped in your tracks and watched him as he moved to a cupboard near his desk which had a safe inside. You heard him enter his pin and shuffle around inside until he pulled out a shoe sized box.

He cautiously handed it over to you, and you took one of the seats opposite the desk Henry was sitting behind before you stormed in there. You opened the box slowly and began pulling the contents out. It was filled with letters; some were opened some were not but it looked like there was close to a hundred of them in there. You couldn’t stop your hands from shaking as you tried opening an envelope that was on top, and immediately recognised the handwriting as you eventually pulled the letter out.

“What is this…” you whispered “Why do you have these?” You began taking more out, skimming over the writing.

“Why do you have these?” You asked again but this time a lot louder.

“Henry why the hell do you have these?!” You asked for the third time whilst shoving them back into the box and standing up.

“I can explain everything Y/N but you need to promise me that you’ll see my side of this too,” Henry pleaded.

“Promise you? You think you’re in a position to be demanding promises?? You’ll be lucky if I ever talk to you again after this! Now you better start explaining why you have kept these from me for all these years!” You swallowed the sick that was rising up your throat.

“You have to understand that I didn’t want you to end up like Haley…” he began, “I was scared of losing you okay? I couldn’t live with myself if you had ended up dead and I did nothing to protect you. So myself, Rossi, and Hotch all agreed that it was best to put Jack and Hotch into witness protection as soon as possible once we realised that it was Peter Lewis who shot you. He was stalking both you and Jack for weeks before you got shot. You were still in surgery and it wasn’t looking good so we agreed that whatever the outcome was going to be, that I’d stay with you at all times and as soon as we would get the OK from the doctors we would have you moved to a private hospital in London.” Henry explained, but you already knew this information.

“Henry – I already know all of this. Can we skip to the part where you tell me why on earth you hid all of these letters?”

“I am getting there Y/N. Hotch only agreed to go into witness protection if he could still get updates on how you were doing which we agreed would come from me. Once you had come out of your coma and understood what had happened I had obviously told Hotch the good news. He wanted to reach out to you, but I thought it was too risky as we had gotten nowhere in locating Peter Lewis and I didn’t want to endanger you again. We then eventually agreed that I would set a PO box up where he could send you letters, which was still too risky for my liking but he wouldn’t give up. You were recovering well and it was such a relief to know that you were going to be okay...” He paused, “but then Lewis had kidnapped Tara’s brother and managed to escape once again, and that was enough of a reason for me to keep all of his letters away from you and ask Hotch to divorce you.“

Your mouth had practically fallen on the floor after you heard his last sentence.

“But that wasn’t your choice to make Henry,” you began sobbing.

“I know but I didn’t care Y/N. I was not going to have you at risk again, and this time if Peter Lewis came looking, you wouldn’t be a target anymore. Hotch had left you after you were shot and served you with divorce papers. That didn’t sound like much of a reason for Lewis or anyone else, wanting to get to Hotch to come after you again.”

There was a few minutes of complete silence before you spoke again.

“And what about me? What about how I was feeling or what I wanted?” You cried. “How could you do this to me? I am not some doll that you get to play with and control!” You felt the angriness come back in full force.

“How could you face me every single day knowing that you were lying about something this big and not have an ounce of guilt? How many times did you listen to me cry over Hotch and what a fucking mess my life had become and never once did you have the decency to tell me the truth!” You yelled.

“I was going to tell you everything once Lewis was caught but when that day came you were seeing Avery and you were starting to look and act more like yourself and I thought that it was better to not bring the past back up, so I decided to keep the letters to myself and-”

“You wrote one back to Hotch pretending it was me, telling him that it was best to go our separate ways,” you finished his sentence.

“You make me sick,” you uttered as you stood up and made your way towards the door not wanting to be in his presence any longer.

“That’s okay you can hate me all you want. I’d rather have you spend the rest of your life hating me than for you to not be here at all.” Henry replied.

“And I would do it all again if I had to!” You heard him yell as you left his office.

You made eye contact with Luca who was sitting at his kitchen island. He gave you a sympathetic smile knowing how cruel Henry could be when he wanted to.

“He’s despicable,” you sighed in defeat.

“I know. But he cares about you,” Luca replied.

Without saying anything else you left the apartment, making a run to the nearest bin and had threw up everything you ate at brunch.

-

You had spent what felt like hours in your car, reading through the notes and letters that Hotch had sent you. He had wrote to you almost everyday up until him and Jack came out of witness protection.

His letters were filled with apologies and things you had never gotten the chance to hear him say to you. They felt intimate, like he had taken the contents of his heart and spilled everything out on pieces of paper.

Once you had enough of torturing yourself you decided it would be best to head home. So you took the longest route back hoping the drive would help clear your head. That’s what everyone always says, that they’re going for a drive to help clear their head. Well they’re liars because you felt no different when you pulled up to your house. You felt like you needed to down at least 4 bottles of wine and that’s what you decided to do.

You noticed that Avery’s car was still gone and none of the lights inside your house were on. Part of you was relieved that he wasn’t home. He knows you well enough to know when somethings wrong no matter how well you try to hide it, and this was the last thing you wanted to explain to him.

You had grabbed the most expensive bottle of wine you had along with a glass and set up camp on your sofa, intending to completely drown your sorrows and be too drunk to explain anything to Avery once he finally gets back home.

You were well into the first bottle when you heard shuffling in the kitchen and JJ popped her head into the living room.

“Hey I didn’t know you were home, I thought you were still out, come sit!” You patted the seat next to you.

“Yeah we were, but the boys were shattered so we came back home. Will and Avery both left not too long ago for a drive and said they were going to grab some food. Is everything okay?” She asked as she sat down next to you on the sofa.

“Let me get you a glass before I explain everything, trust me you’re gonna need it.”

You retuned back to the living room with a glass for JJ and another bottle of wine and then you told her everything. From the hotel room, to the bathroom incident at brunch, to when you went to confront Henry, and lastly about the letters Henry had hid from you.

By the time you fished talking, the second bottle of wine was almost empty and her face was in complete disbelief.

“Wow,” was all she could say.

“I know.. But there’s one thing that I don’t understand,” you said taking a sip of your wine and JJ nodded her head indicating for you to continue.

“Why would Hotch agree to divorce me simply because Henry said so.. I mean I can certainly blame Henry for keeping the letters from me and feeding me all these other lies but at the end of the day it takes two to tango..”

“Henry could be very persuasive when he wanted to and Hotch would’ve agreed to anything if he felt it would help keep you safe, even if it was something that he didn’t want to do,” JJ spoke softly.

“I guess..”

“They had a fight at the hospital you know,” JJ revealed with a smirk.

“They did?” You almost gasped as this was news to you.

“Yup. Me, Morgan and Rossi were outside so we didn’t see it but Henry had stormed out with a bloody nose and a cut up lip…and then the weirdest thing happened..” she paused.

“What?” You urged her to continue.

“I don’t even know how to describe it.. But once Henry left the room Hotch had let out this noise. I can’t even compare it to a cry more of a wail or something. It was frightening.. Rossi went in to check on him but told me and Morgan to wait outside,” she shrugged her shoulders slightly and neither of you were smiling anymore.

“Believe me Y/N when I tell you that this has hurt him just as much as it has hurt you. I don’t think he wanted for any of this to happen at all..” JJ finished.

You considered her point. This whole time you had thought of Hotch as almost the villain, but you were thinking what Henry wanted you to think. You never considered how he must’ve felt, to have to watch his wife get shot on your wedding day and then not be able to stay with you through better or worse without putting you or his son in further danger.

The sound of the doorbell brought you out of your thoughts but JJ was already up on her feet and offered to get it.

You split what was left of the wine between yours and JJs glasses until she was back in the living room with a wary look on her face.

“Who is it? If it's Henry tell him to go away," you said to JJ but noticed there was someone was behind her.

“No Henry just me,” you heard Hotch speak as he moved from behind JJ and was now standing next to her.

“I’m uh going to check on the boys,” she announced as she grabbed her wine glass and disappeared from the living room.

"May I come in?" Hotch asked as he shifted his weight from one foot to another with his hands in his pockets.

"Why are you here?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay from earlier." He kept his tone soft and gentle just like he did when he had followed you into the bathroom.

You couldn't believe that this was still the same day and it still hasn't ended.

"Well I'm obviously not Aaron, you were right," you sighed in defeat and watched him take a seat next to you.

"I'm sorry," he whispered for what had felt like the hundredth time.

You sat in silence for a few minutes, neither of you knowing what else to say. Without realising the both of you were now inches apart, with your eyes on the ceiling whilst Hotch watched you from the side.

"We're horrible people," you mumbled and turned to face Hotch.

"I think we're just two people who are still in love," he replied as though it was the simplest answer in the world. As though it didn't matter that both of you had cheated on your partners.

"It doesn't matter, you're with Beth and I'm married to Avery."

"I know, but if things had been different you would still be married to me," you heard him say as one of his hands gently cupped your face and his thumb traced the outline of your lips.

The gesture alone was enough to make you melt into his skin. You had missed his touch so much.

"But they're not, you have a flight to catch and I have a life here.."

"I would move here for you. I would move to wherever you wanted me to. I would wait until Jack's finished school and we could both move here, all you have to do is just say the word, it would be a fresh start for him and me."

He was talking like a crazy person. You would never make him and Jack move to another country. It wouldn't be fair on Jack having to leave all his friends and family behind and start all over at a new school, that poor boy has gone through enough. In all the years you had known Hotch he never did anything on a whim, he always thought everything out to the last minuscule detail, so to hear him say that he would up and move his and Jack's whole life made you feel like he hadn't thought this out properly.

"But I don't want you to," you lied to yourself and to Hotch. "You ever thought that all of this has happened for a reason?"

"Please don't tell me you're into signs now, you're a profiler you should know better," Hotch rolled his eyes and you could see a small smile playing on his lips.

"Don't you dare laugh at me Aaron," you gave him a playful shove on his shoulder and at that point he couldn't contain his smile or his laughter.

The sound of him laughing was intoxicating and you couldn't hide your own smile that was now sprawled across your face as you joined in. You had to laugh or else you would cry.

"I'm serious, we already had one chance and look at the way that turned out. Maybe this is for the best.." You said as the laughter died down reminding you of what the reality was.

The light from Hotch's eyes and his smile were now gone, replaced by a stoic expression.

"You should get back to Beth Aaron, we're only making this worse for ourselves," you spoke and placed one of your hands on his knee giving it a squeeze and began standing up.

"I don't want to leave you again," you heard him quietly say as he followed your lead and stood up.

You didn't reply, you just slowly walked through your hallway and stopped at your front door.

"So I guess this is a goodbye?"

"I guess it is.." As much as you didn't want it to be, your gut was telling you that this was the right thing to do.

You took one last look at him as he took one last look at you, neither of you wanting this to be the end.

"Take care of yourself Y/N."

"Wait!" You called out.

"Kiss me before you go!"

And that's exactly what he did. He took three long strides to get to you and wrapped one of his arms around your waist whist the other ran through your hair as he pulled you in. All the tension between the both of you unravelled in the kiss. You parted your mouth allowing him to slip his tongue in, feeling his hot breath against your lips. It wasn't a soft, gentle kiss it was rough and longing. You had spent many nights thinking about how he would taste, how his mouth would feel on yours, and now that it's finally happened you didn't know how you could ever survive without him.

You were both almost gasping for air as he pulled away.

"Go before I change my mind," you breathed.

"But just call me sometime," you added as he placed one last kiss on your lips before leaving.

[iisasarcasticlittleshite]

We've created a Monster Pt.II

Diavolo laughed at the screen of his DDD, hurriedly gesturing for Barbatos to join him.

'Come see this, Barbatos, Lucifer just shared the most delightful video!'

'I'm sure it must be of great importance for you to neglect your paperwork, my lord.'

Sheepishly, Diavolo turned to screen toward him, presenting the still image of an envy demon dwarfing their powerless exchange student.

'Oh my, lord this image is far from amusing.'

'Trust me, just press play.'

So he did, and was very much not expecting what came next. 'I see, it seems MC has grown rather more capable than I gave them credit for.'

'According to Lucifer they were rather unbothered by the threat, he even called a family meeting to address the event and MC just...laughed them off?'

Barbatos couldn't help but smile. 'How remarkable, expected though. MC has seen demons far more frightening than a lesser envy demon.'

'That's what they said to the brothers, though Lucifer seems to find it far less amusing than we do.'

'I imagine, it is not the sort of scenario he would find at all pleasant. Threat to our young human cause him a great deal of unrest.'

Diavolo grinned a conspirator's smile. 'Just him?'

'...fair point.'

'Why are the incantations so long? I'm trying to light a candle not summon a hurricane.' MC huffed, slouching into the armchair with the grimoire laid open across her thighs. 'It's like a religious text.'

'Magic's way of making sure you mean to get what you're asking for.' Solomon's smile was beguiling, almost sweet, but not.

He's a menace, and no one knows that better than MC, who's been taking magical instruction for him for months.

The sorcerer crossed his legs, flipping through a new spell book MC brought over from Satan. 'So, I hear you had some fun at RAD this morning.'

MC rolled their eyes, reluctantly going back to memorising incantations. 'You too? Does the entire Devildom know about that by now?'

'I'd say so, everyone who matters at least. We haven't told Luke, poor thing would loose his mind if he had actual proof of how dangerous the devildom really is for you.'

'I'm not in any danger, you're starting to sound like Lucifer.' MC huffed. 'Next thing I know you'll be off on a lecture about my lack of self preservation and needing to be careful.'

'I would never, watching you get in trouble is my favourite pass time.' He winked teasingly, kicking his shows up on the coffee table. 'I am curious though, what was going through your head when he threatened you? I remember being a little intimidated the first time a demon tried to kill me.'

'I'm honestly surprised you remember your first anything anymore.'

'Don't change the subject.' Tutted Solomon with that congenial smile of his that was neither friendly nor threatening. 'What were you thinking?'

MC sighed, closing the grimoire and turning their attention to the plate of cookies Luke left for them. 'It was annoying, I went into RAD early to get ahead on a project I was supposed to be working on with Simeon. Could have expected that reaction when I told him Levi wears envy way better. That time he tried to kill me gave me nightmares for days.'

'...MC, how many times have those lunatics nearly killed you?'

'Pfft, you think I keep count? Between Beel's tantrums, Mammon's schemes and just existing in Lucifer's radius I nearly die at least twice a week. It was way more when I first met them though.'

Solomon had to resist the urge to gape. His sense of normal may be a few thousand years past twisted, but this is... odd even for him. A human this young should not be this comfortable with domestic danger, let alone love those who put them there.

Several, times, a week.

MC carries on eating their cookies happily, reaching for another one when their eye catches something on the table, half hidden behind a book, but that beastly silhouette is unmistakeable, and they immediately curl into the chair as though they've been burned.

Pitching a whine to alert the house, their wide eyes fixate on the eight legged monstrosity, arms coiled tight around themselves as their skin immediately begins to crawl and twitch as though being assaulted by hundreds of the tiny beasts.

'What?! What is...oh, hello there.'

Solomon is almost left a aghast all over again. Here sits the most desensitised human he's ever met (besides himself), curled up in a ball, over a spider.

Fair be it a decent sized spider, probably the size of his thumb, but a mere spider nonetheless.

'You looked a 20-foot snake in the eye, you take Cerberus for evening walks with Lucifer...' he trailed off, carefully nudging the arachnid into an empty glass and caging it with a book '...and you're afraid of a spider?'

'Fuckin' right I am! And I'm not going to justify it to you so get rid of it before I set you on fire!'

Solomon laughed, and laughed until he couldn't hold himself upright anymore, wiping a tear from his eye, but when next he looked up, MC was still staring at the spider, eyes so full of genuine terror and brimming with tears, he felt guilt strike him.

'This...genuinely frightens you, doesn't it?'

MC nodded, lip jutted in an involuntary pout, skin raised in goose bumps. 'I wish it didn't.'

'Alright, I'm sorry. I'll get rid of it.'

And he did, and made a point of making sure everyone knew about MC's phobia, and didn't make fun of them for it.

Was it ironic that someone who looked death in the eye and waved was afraid of spiders? Absolutely, but no one chooses fear over comfort, and MC has chosen to be brave one too many times for anyone to begrudge them one or two irrational fears.

[athingofvikings]

Two More Stalkers

So I'm drafting this post on October 19, 2022, hoping that I won't have to use it, but getting it set up as a contingency. Just in case.

Lots of screenshots under the cut, but TL;DR:

I have two stalkers who feel entitled to my work and writing, and have been stalking me because I didn't write their historical blorbos to their personal satisfaction and because I haven't written queer characters to their exacting specifications (specifically, they want what amount to Gold Star Lesbians with modern-style adopted children). In the course of their stalking, they have made a hate-blog specifically to target me with insults, and when that failed to get a response, escalated to making a new AO3 account specifically to write hatefic of my work and "gift" it to me.

If you see this post having gone live, I ask you to please review it and reblog it, because I am preparing this contingency in case they escalate to the point of trying to publicly defame me, and if I've hit "post", that means they're actively trying to get people to hate me.

So, without further ado...

Here are screenshots of their intro posts (still available on my Discord server if anyone wishes to see the evidence). Essentially, they came because of their interest in the historical King Macbeth and the mid-11th century, which is where and when my story, A Thing Of Vikings, is set. The basic concept of the story is that the first How To Train Your Dragon film is dropped into Real Life history in the 1040s AD in the Scottish islands, and events ripple out from there, changing history as a result.

Some red flags began to wave in regards to these two, as nessie wanted to know what the status of his historical blorbos would be in my writing, and did not take it well that they would either A) be dead, B) be reduced to insignificance by changes in the historical timeline, C) be someplace else, or D) not exist at all, due to changes in the timeline. He ended up quietly leaving after the following discussion:

He then left a few days later on Aug 28th.

Fast forward to October 2nd.

the threat of tortellini starts a discussion as follows:

At the end of this exchange, the threat of tortellini leaves the ATOV Discord server. To sum up the above, they wanted for me to jettison the core conceit of a piece of writing that I have been working on for six years because they wished to see specific developments catering to their personal desires happen in the text. In short, "Screw your writing integrity, I want you to write it for meeeee!" and then stormed off the server when they were told no.

Two hours later, I am followed by @courtlycringe. Now, I vet my followers for personal safety reasons, due to having experienced harassment and stalking in the past, and immediately saw that this new follower was... unique.

For obvious reasons, I promptly blocked the two people in the notes for these posts, as well as the courtlycringe blog itself. The next morning, October 3rd, I remembered nessie's fixation, and promptly pulled on the threads with the intro posts, putting together that @themischiefoftad is the threat of tortellini and that @malcolm--of--scotland is nessie. (Note the dates on the posts, too; Nessie had this hate blog already going before his friend stormed off of the server)

Confirmation came after a few of my friends interacted with them:

(Although it should be noted that I don't believe that courtlycringe is/was run by anyone other than my two stalkers, given the timeline).

I do a little more work, track down their AO3 accounts, and block them. I expected that to be the end of it.

It wasn't.

In short, these two made a new AO3 account, MillieMilkTea, and wrote some extremely nasty hatefic using my characters and targeting my work. The Necessary Components For The Fall Of An Empire is a giant middle finger to me personally, with my male main characters being brutally and graphically murdered by the female characters (especially their personal blorbos) and having everyone cheering for the deaths, and the female characters going off to be good pure lesbians. Nothing more and nothing less.

I declined the "gift", and have reported them to AO3 Abuse as of the writing of this post on Oct 19.

However, given that they have written thirty-three thousand words of targeted hatefic, likely just in the past few weeks (the account itself was created Oct 11), I am sure that they will continue to escalate. I will keep this post updated and ready to post in case they shift from targeted harassment to defamation and libel.

[prettylittlels]

I Can See You

summary: You meet Rachel's costar at the academy gala, what will happen next? (tom blyth x actress!reader)

inspired by I Can See You (Taylor's Version) by Taylor Swift

💋⚘️❤️‍🔥💥🍬💄

As an actress, I spend a 70% of my time meeting and interacting with actors, actresses, singers, directors, producers, and people who work in the same industry as i do. A 90% of those people are just passers, travelers that only visited my life. Only very few manage to stay, important enough to make me care for and about them: true friends. Like Rachel Zegler, for example. I met her at the 2022 Golden Globes afterparty, and we kicked off a nice friendship. And a rather weird one, might i add. Rach and I enjoy playing rather exquisite games: i make her try the most horrendous food i find, and she tries to find the perfect man for me.

-Rach, I already told you- i tell her, laughing without even trying - I've lost hope! You gotta accept that i don't have a love life!-

-You're lying to yourself! - she smiles with me- You think I haven't seen the way you look at every couple we meet?-

Maybe she was right. I haven't had a boyfriend in years, maybe I am a little touch-starved. But that was until I met him.

You brush past me in the hallway

And you don't think I, I, I can see ya, do ya?

I've been watchin' you for ages

And I spend my time tryin' not to feel it

As an actress, i spend a lot of time bring invited to galas and events. Tonights entertainment was the Academy's annual gala. I picked out a gorgeous black sparkly dress that caught everyones attention, as I imagined. Getting out lf the car, I slowly made my way to the red carpet, starting to pose for the flashing cameras. Shouts and screams came from everywhere i went. Not only for me, of course; in fact, thay were yelling Rachel's name too when i arrived. She came up to me and gave me a big hug, as we started to take pictures together. I also noticed that a certain co-star of hers, was looking our way. Don't you think I can't see you?

But what would you do if I went to touch you now?

What would you do if they never found us out?

What would you do if we never made a sound?

As an famous actress, I can't just do whatever I want and say whatever i please. The cameras are everywhere. But God, did I want to go talk to you.

'Cause I can see you waitin' down the hall from me

And I could see you up against the wall with me

And what would you do, baby, if you only knew?

That I can see you

As an actress, people expect me to be there when they need me, available for everyone and waiting for directions. But, only this time, I was waiting for something else to happen. When I walked down the hidden hallway on my way to the women's bathroom, you were there. I didn't want to do anything reckless! But here we are.

And we kept everything professional

But something's changed, it's somethin' I, I like

They keep watchful eyes on us

So it's best that we move fast and keep quiet

You won't believe half the things I see inside my head

Wait 'til you see half the things that haven't happened yet

Tom and I started dating shortly after the gala. Being with him was everything I needed: he's a gentleman, a caring person, a funny one, and of course, a very sexy one. The weeks passed and we were both as happy as ever. After the night we met, the cameras that caught our longing stares published the photos and the public strted going crazy, speculating and giving their opinion about our encounter. Oh, they have no idea.

That I could see you throw your jacket on the floor

I could see you make me want you even more

What would you do, baby, if you only knew?

That I can see you

They had no idea that how it was being In a relationship with tom. The envious fangirls wished they were me. They don't I know that I can see him for what he truly is. They don't know that I can see him discarding his clothes on the floor. Yes, even that leather jacket of his that I love so much

I could see you in your suit and your necktie

Passed me a note saying, "Meet me tonight"

Then we kiss, and you know I won't ever tell, yeah

And I could see you being my addiction

You can see me as a secret mission

Hide away and I will start behaving myself

I remember how I pulled you closer by your tie, and unbuttoned your shirt. How you admitted you've been watching me for ages. How we agreed to keep this a sceret, However, I knew he'd be like a drug. And I get drunk on it whenever he's around

I can see you.

I can see you, Tom.

[a-freemaniac]

News from a crazy mind...

Sherlock, mental health and the support from a fandom.

When Sherlock becomes what the doctor ordered....

100 days lie between those moments.

100 days since I wanted to die.

100 days since I emailed Dignitas.

100 days full of struggle and hope.

100 days later I made it out of hell again.

A handful of people who showed me unconditional love during the hardest setback of my disorder career.

I will love them till the day I die.

And once again the Sherlock world saved my soul before I destroyed it myself.

A fandom full of kindness and support and a detective and a doctor who saved me in more ways than they can ever imagine.

Had a doctors appointment on Friday and I have one hell of a doctor.

Not as good as John Watson but highly supportive of anything that increases my strength.

We talked about a little miracle.

A miracle that sounds so incredibly stupid but it is such a huge thing.

For the past five years I have to take besides my regular medication in mornings and in the evenings a little extra cocktail of meds in the afternoon to keep my extreme nervousness in check.

I'm nervous and tense 24/7 and it takes a toll on my body sometimes.

It makes it very hard to sleep and to find a way to sit still.

So the extra meds are necessary..

Ten days ago I started to listen to Podfics and quickly discovered a new way to enjoy the Sherlock universe.

I'm 43 years old and retired since I was 39 because my body couldn't take the stress anymore.

I have some free times during the day and I made it a habit for the past ten days to listen to Podfics in the afternoon and again at night.

And suddenly I could sleep and, and here comes the miracle..

I forgot to take my afternoon meds.

Even more my body relaxed in a way I haven't experienced in decades.

My body was obviously as surprised as I am because since a few days I have to drink a coffee in the afternoon, otherwise I would fall asleep.

I can only drink coffee without caffeine which tastes awful but otherwise my nervousness goes through the roof and I shake like a leaf.

But now instead of taking an extra dose of anxiety relief pills I take a real good old black coffee full of caffeine after listening to Podfics.

And that sounds incredibly ridiculous but for me it is a miracle because for the first time in over 15 years I feel calm and not because of a chemical reaction but because of a human reaction.

I know @totallysilvergirl had no idea what would happen by telling me about Podfics but I will never forget it!

Back to my incredible doctor who saw the change from a person who was determined to end this endless circle of depression and anxiety to a person who smiles again.

Now he ordered a six months try of daily Podfics ( no joke) to see if my blood levels improves and accordingly my medication can be reduced.

He knows that in the past three years my disorder was always better during my Sherlock highs so he is actually happy about the new development.

Long story short ( too late I know)

Do whatever feels right for you!

Invent your own therapy!

Do what makes you happy no matter how unconventional it might be.

Because you matter!!!!

I attach you my new and exciting Podfic collection for you.

Maybe you will find something you like.

Of course everything is available in Reading form as well.

Be happy in your own, weird, wonderful way.

@keirgreeneyes @discordantwords @a-victorian-girl @bewitched-bullet @lisbeth-kk @whatnext2020 @inevitably-johnlocked @barachiki @babaybo @jobooksncoffee @rey-jake-therapist @missdeliadili @helloliriels @podfixx @johnlocky @johnlockpodficclub @johnlockficclub @peanitbear @strawberrywinter4 @chocolate1elise @kettykika78

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for headcanoning deadnames for trans characters for symbolism purposes?

im a trans guy (minor if it matters) who's been a fan of this one show for a little over a year. none of the characters are canonically trans, but there's a lot of trans allegories to be drawn from the material if you're me or my mutuals at least. the two main characters are both male and i ended up developing an au where they're both explicitly transmasc as a way for me to just explore trans themes in an alternate narrative. i haven't begun writing it yet but definitely plan to once i feel like it's solidly locked in my brain, and i've been sharing snippets & concepts every so often.

part of this was thinking of how they would've chosen their current names, and name symbolism got me considering what they would've changed them away from as well. one character i thought could've initially been named after his mother so i can draw contrasts between the two, and the name i decided on for her has a meaning that highlights her relationship with her father (and the character's relationship with his father in turn); it's also the name of the character's daughter figure in the show. a lot of the other main character's backstory kind of revolves around his dead sister, so i thought by making his deadname that sister's name then i could turn that into an allegory about transness and childhood and sibling death (and sororicide but we don't have time to unpack all that). i don't plan on ever explicitly referring to the characters by their deadname in the narration, except maybe in an ironic tone, but i think it would be cool to sort of sprinkle in references as subtext to just give the readers something more to chew on.

the thing is i've seen posts around talking about how nice it is to make trans characters/headcanons without once considering their deadnames, or how weird it is for people to consider them, and i definitely agree with the sentiment; one of the biggest goals for many trans people is for their past selves to be completely irrelevant, and i feel a bit guilty for perpetuating something so painful for the general community.

but i still don't think i'm an asshole in any way since these are literally just characters and obviously i'm not going around talking about real people's deadnames or anything. i just don't want to make people uncomfortable/trigger dysphoria if they find someone talking about deadnames for a trans charactsr they're attached to (i've definitely had that happen myself when reading trans fics, enough that i had to stop reading, and i don't know how you'd even tag for something like that). if the general gut reaction to this ask is negative then i'll probably consider just not talking about the deadnames unless someone asks about it, since they're not crucial to the plot at all, just some uhh not so fun tidbits.

anyway sorry this is so long for something i feel like might be a non-issue that i'm overthinking. if you somehow guessed the fandom have a chocolate 🫀 if you're one of my few mutuals who knows who i am from the details of the au then um pretend you didnt see this post.

What are these acronyms?

[jwirecs]

RECOMMENDED BTS FICS OF OCTOBER 2023💖

hello, hello! here are my bts recs of october! hopefully these beautiful stories get more recognition as well as the writers 💝

** anything in parentheses and bolded are my thoughts that can be disregarded if needed **

🔞smut || 💔angst || 💕fluff || ✅completed || 🔄ongoing || 💯favorite

Photograph || @i-am-baechu💕💔✅

↳ Jimin hated Y/N. Y/N didn’t know why. It all changed with a photograph.

Beside You || @nochukoo97🔞💕✅

↳ you miss your boyfriend after not seeing him for a long time, so who could blame you if you couldn’t resist him once you saw him?

Claimed || @bethschamberoftales🔞💕💔✅

↳ He promised that he is going to fuck you hard so you won't be able to walk after that. You took that lightly but the thing is, Jungkook never breaks his promises.

Finish Line || @bonny-kookoo🔞💕🔄

↳ He's one of the best, no race too tough to handle, every track a new challenge he takes on- especially when it's you who's waiting at the finish line for him.

Loverboy || @kookslastbutton🔞💕💔✅

↳ After a startling conversation with your coworkers, you start feeling insecure about your sexual prowess. You don't initiate as much, you haven't worn lingerie yet, and you're still timid about doing much seducing with your body–are you giving your boyfriend boring sex? Taehyung reassures you that you are perfect and have nothing to worry about.

Never Goodbye || @smutlvrrr🔞💕✅💯💯💯

↳ It’s never goodbye, I’ll always see you again…

Support System || @bangtanfanfiction🔞💕✅

↳ You’re the support system Hoseok needs in times of uncertainty without his members. And you make sure he knows it. 

Masked Miracles || @remedyx🔞💕💔🔄

↳ It wasn't supposed to happen this way. A quick in and out. Infiltrate and bring down a hybrid trafficking ring. Saving lives while we're at it. But things hardly ever go to plan. And being locked in with seven hybrids that meant more to me than victims forced into a life they didn't deserve was definitely not according to the plan.

Safe And Sound || @bearr02🔞💕💔🔄

↳ You have worked at a hybrid rehab and adoption center for years, enjoying being able to help people others only see as their animal side. You thought you might end up taking in one or two, what you didn’t expect however, was to take in 7.

A Thief's End || @eleni-cherie🔞💕💔✅

↳ he thought he was done with the criminal life and ready for some peace and quiet. but his plans collapsed in the form of a strange girl who was in trouble.

Best Served Cold || @anotherbtswriter🔞💕💔✅💯

↳ Yoongi is at the bottom of the organization just trying to stay alive when the story starts.

City Of Lights || @sunnebeam🔞💕💔🔄

↳ (theres no summary, but i will put the warnings instead! - warnings: gangster squad au, smut (18+), cheating, mafia shit, minor character death, murder, mentions of blood)

Cruel Intentions || @explicit-tae🔞💕💔✅

↳ You adored your eldest brother - you truly did. Before his addiction got the best of him, he was amazing at caring for you and your other siblings. Now, however, it was your turn to care for him without the help of your siblings who long abandoned him, advising you to do the same. Once your brother manages to get himself imprisoned, you realize just how much trouble he got himself into. Once your family is threatened, you offer to pay off the debts your brother owes with the one thing any powerful man couldn't resist - your virginity.

Darkest Little Paradise || @sunnebeam🔞💕💔🔄

↳ (theres no summary, but i will put the warnings: mafia au, smut (18+), sex work, mentions of past accident, amnesia / memory loss, more warnings to be added upon series completion)

My Beauty, My Blood || @7cypher🔞💕💔✅

↳ With Namjoon out of the picture, Jeongguk has to step up and be the sole successor to the organization laid out before him. However, guilt doesn’t escape him very easily, and neither does your persistence.

Vixen || @star-my🔞💕💔✅

↳ The door to the opulent room swung open soundlessly, allowing the tall, muscular man to enter unnoticed. He cleared his throat, gaining the attention of the young woman seated at the vanity.

After Hours || @archivedkookie🔞💕💔🔄💯💯

↳ staying after hours with Yoongi for months proves to be a mistake when your heart falls for him.

Champagne Confetti || @busanboykoo🔞💕✅💯

↳ “you won't regret me, champagne confetti” or maybe just jungkook wants you to tell him what you want him to do to you.

Flower Girl || @nochukoo97💕✅

↳ you’re in charge of mentoring jungkook, a convict who’s currently doing community service. as time goes by, you grow closer and closer to the man, finding out more about him and his past. jungkook makes you crazy with his small gestures, he makes your cheeks turn the same shade as carnations, he makes you dizzy. most of all, he makes you his flower girl

Mami || @kithtaehyung🔞✅

↳ you somehow have a conversation with yoongi, and you tell your roommate about a date date.

Nothing New || @myg-butterfly💕💔✅

↳ You get hurt and have to find a replacement. You just didn't think that replacement extended to your relationship with the BTS members. Will they still want you when you're nothing new?

Oh, Angel! || @yoongiofmine🔞💕✅

↳ Ever since he met you, Hoseok just couldn’t resist you. Even though you were off limits -many years younger than him and an intern on his sister’s company-, he just had to make you his. You were the perfect baby for him, docile and pliant. What happens when you decide to be a little brat instead?

Oh, Darling! || @yoongiofmine🔞💕💔✅

↳ Starting your second semester at one of South Korea’s most prestigious universities should be stressful enough. Between juggling classes, good grades and a social life, your plate was full. Hoping to spice up your academic career, you thought it was a good idea to enroll as an assistant for your literature professor, whom you've held a very secret and very forbidden crush on for the past several months. What will happen now that you’re forced to work closely together? And what if your crush isn’t as one sided as you thought?

Peek-A-Boo! || @namfinessed💕💔✅

↳ at a camp that you hated, you find yourself falling for a man that tries to sneak into your tent.

Punching Bag? || @bonobonoyaatheart💕💔✅

↳ You care and worry for Jungkook? In return, you feel like his emotional punching bag, despite of his intentions being different.

Set Me Free || @casuallyimagining💕💔✅

↳ Tired of being told how to live his life and unsure of where he stands in the world, Yoongi--your soulmate--yearns to be free. When you give him what he wants, it causes a rift in your relationship that seems irreparable. 12 years later, you find him back in your life. Can you mend your relationship? Do you even want to?

Sun Chasers & Moon Watchers || @foredelweiss💕💔✅

↳ after constantly transferring from school to school every couple of months, you've long accepted the impermanence of many aspects of your life. you never expected to want the world to allow you to spend a little more time with seven individuals. your days with them were one of the most beautiful moments in life.

The Five-Year Plan || @jknoah🔞💕💔🔄

↳ you've always had a very strict life plan. when you were twenty you sat down and made your five-year plan, you would get married, get your dream house, have your dream career and then at the end of those five years you'd have a kid. everything was going perfectly to plan, well until your husband came home with divorce papers. now you're somehow trying to stay on track, maybe you could convince your best friend to have a baby with you?

The Monster In The Dark || @themochiverse🔞💔✅💯

↳ Sleep paralysis is a common concern for everyone, but once your episodes start to become more frequent, you meet a horrid monster. A horrid monster who has only come for you to join him in his world. You can't run, you can't hide, but you can only watch whatever the hell is going to happen to you right now.

Ungodly Hours || @explicit-tae🔞💕✅💯

↳ That time you - a broke college student - were willing to do just about anything for a hulu account after your brother kicks you off of his - (and Jungkook would do anything to have you).

Venom || @nochukoo97🔞💕💔✅💯💯💯

↳ after a nasty breakup with your ex, who was a boxer, the person who introduced you to the sport, you decided to make life easier for yourself and switch clubs. little did you know that your club leader, also known as ‘venom’ in the ring, would eventually spark your interest. no matter how much jungkook interests you, you can’t bear to risk another failed relationship, you’re still hurt and traumatised from the inside. but will jungkook manage to crawl his way into your heart?

Do check out all of the other BTS Fics that i have reblogged as well!!

** if there is any fics that you guys would like to recommend, please do! i am slowly running out of fics to read **

[asgardian--angels]

Talking on the phone with my mom I finally broke down and cried thoroughly about the cancellation. I think I'd been holding it in for the last two days, or two months. And honestly I've been wondering all along why this show means so much to me. I am not queer, I am not neurodivergent, I am not POC or disabled or any of the groups that this show has been so important for in terms of representation and being treated with respect and dignity. I understand and completely empathize with all of you, and fight for this show and your rights worldwide alongside you, but it still left me wondering why I myself have latched onto Our Flag Means Death. I suppose part of it is that despite being white and cishet and the privileges that have always come with that, I have been treated like an outsider and ostracized my entire childhood and teenage years, for being ugly and having "disgusting" interests (primarily liking insects, reptiles, other creepy-crawlies - aka the thing I literally do for my career now). I was bullied relentlessly from preschool through early college and became a very lonely introverted person - I still am. Undoubtedly Our Flag Means Death gave me renewed hope that I haven't missed some key window for finding love or relationships of any kind that matter, as I sit here typing this at age 28 having never dated anyone.

But it had to be more than that. And with everything that's happened the past couple of months, and the last few days, I think it finally clicked for me.

Followers of my blog may or may not know that I am a conservation biologist, or pollinator ecologist, whichever hat fits best on a given day, they're quite close. I don't make many original posts like this anymore on here because my job is so busy. Basically, I do a variety of things - academic research, habitat management & restoration, and public outreach - to try and preserve biodiversity and ecosystems on our planet. I'm just going to say it: it's a thankless job. Nothing we do ever feels like it's enough, and burnout is common in our field because we sit with the guilt of feeling like we are the only thing between survival and utter destruction of planet Earth, and work ourselves to exhaustion. It's one of those jobs where your work is your life, and your passion is your work, and it's inseparable from who you are on a molecular level. We are often faced, on a large scale, with hostility, from people that don't believe in science and are more than happy to pull a shotgun on us, or rich old men in power who are content to watch the world burn for another penny in their bank account. There are days when sometimes it sinks in just how bad things are, and it's terrifying, and I feel like we will never be able to do enough, to change enough, before it gets catastrophic. It's paralyzing.

My ability to do my job is dependent on hope. Unwavering, unrelenting hope. Hope beyond hope. We have to believe what we're doing matters, otherwise we'd fall down and never get back up again. I'm no big-shot, I give talks to a few hundred people at a time, and make urban pollinator habitat on a local scale. Is any of that going to make a difference compared to the ramifications of a single oil mogul deciding to cut corners and cause an oil spill that kills millions of seabirds and damages ocean food chains for decades to come? If people in my field let thoughts like that linger, we'd be paralyzed to inaction. I have to hope that the people I teach choose to do something good with that knowledge, and go on to inspire others, or that the patch of habitat I make allows a declining species to maintain a foothold instead of going locally extinct. You just have to keep going.

And Our Flag Means Death got wrapped up in that for me. The Stede Bonnet effect, if you will. He set out to do pirating differently, treating his crew with respect and helping them grow. In return, they internalized that mindset, and it spread to how they interacted with others. It changed the trajectory of individual lives, and also at least began to change how the society of pirates operated as a whole. It was a beacon of hope that choosing small acts of kindness did matter, even if you yourself could not see the ripples it made. It renewed my faith that love persevered and would win. That we could all make life a little better for each other and ourselves through kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and mutual support. I think a good chunk of that is from Taika - these are running themes in his projects, and his films move me deeply for that. This show became in some, perhaps subconscious way, a source of strength for me to keep putting myself out there in my line of work to do whatever I was capable of to help the cause.

The cancellation was devastating, but the second cancellation (turbohell cancelation?) was even more so. Because now it's so clear that this is largely the work of David Zaslav and the regime he's built. It's petty, it's greedy, and more than anything, it's cruel. Indifferently, indiscriminately cruel, when one person at the top can have such power to make or break the lives of thousands, millions, beneath them, and though it would have been barely a drop in the bucket, a hand wave, to renew our show or let it pass to another streamer, he actively chose to shackle it to this sinking Titanic of a company WBD has become. I have always operated on the belief that you can do anything if you work hard enough at it, and believed deep down that there was some order, some justice in the universe, atheist though I be. We as a fandom did everything we possibly could, we loved this show harder than anything. The numbers were there, the awards nominations were there, the critic praise was there, and we were loud and loyal every single day. I felt like we could do this - how could we not win when we've done so much, and the show deserves it so much? Surely cause and effect will prevail.

This fight seemed small, though really it wasn't; we fought for the right of artists and creators to make quality, original stories and have them told to their natural end, we fought for diversity representation to be more than a token character - OFMD raised the bar so much higher on all fronts, we fought to shed light on the chaos and impending collapse of this industry silencing art and exploiting writers, actors, and all manner of production workers. It was a small fight from the outside, one that I really felt we could win. And I put my heart and soul into it, because if we could win this, if we could save this simple, kind love story about two guys on a boat, then maybe there was hope for the bigger, badder stuff too. It shouldn't seem an insurmountable task for several thousand fans to convince a streaming service that they'd turn a tidy profit to give our show one more season.

Yet we lost - through no fault of our own. I am so proud of us. But that really struck deep for me. If one peabrained CEO of a media company wouldn't budge on greenlighting a show that was in his every best interest business-wise - perhaps enough to even save Max from going under in the not-too-distant future - my god, what hope was there for changing anything bigger? The 'real' problems of the world? When no amount of ethos, logos, or pathos can penetrate these men at the top, where's that hope to fight? Lately the world seems like it's just going belly up all over. If we gave everything we could, and it still wasn't enough - if it could never be enough - what hope is there? It's like chaining yourself to a tree and the bulldozer plowing right on ahead. And I think that broke something in me. It shook me to my foundations because it broke my rules of how things are supposed to work. We believed hard enough, we worked tirelessly, and we deserved it for how important this show was to so many people. And it didn't matter. Our best wasn't enough. And that caused an avalanche of all of the horrible, scary things piled on my shoulders - we're losing the Amazon rainforest too fast to save, climate change is going to turn the corn belt into a dustbowl by mid-century, a border wall is going to devastate imperiled wildlife in Texas, deforestation and hurricanes on songbird wintering grounds could lead to entire species extinctions, saltmarshes are our lifeline and they're shrinking and we're still building stupid concrete stormwalls, invasive diseases will completely alter the composition of our forests to be unrecognizable to our children, and if you don't make every slide of this powerpoint utterly perfect and you fail to convince every single person in attendance to get rid of their lawn then you've failed and the world is doomed.

I've struggled with being a perfectionist my whole life. This didn't help.

That's where I was a couple hours ago. But I took some deep breaths. I know the world isn't fair. But I really thought if we could win this one battle, then we could win the war.

But here's what I realized. Everything we did mattered. It mattered so much. Because there's the show, and then there's everything that was birthed out of that show. The community, so many of us around the world who have been uplifted by Our Flag Means Death in a real and lasting way that we will take with us and spread to affect those around us. The Stede Bonnet effect goes global. We raised thousands and thousands of dollars for charities around the world, real people whose lives have been improved, or maybe even saved, because of us and this silly pirate show. We brought a hell of a lot of attention to WBD and their shitty practices, keeping the momentum going in a way that I think is only going to build - and I sure hope it leads to Zaslav getting deposed. We have demanded more queer stories, more BIPOC stories, more disabled and autistic and middle-aged stories, stories with exquisite costumes and award-worthy wigs, dear lord, and we are being heard. We have expressed such love and support for the cast and crew, showing them that we appreciate their hard work and that we will be behind them in their future projects. So many of them have told us how the show and its fans have changed their lives. We convinced Rhys that his career isn't winding down but winding up, and to be unapologetic about his wonderful weirdness - we've proven to everyone through this show that your weirdness is what someone out there is going to love you for, not in spite of. We rallied to help writers and actors during the strikes in a way that was taken to heart and remembered. We have been out here talking it through as a crew, and turning poison into positivity, for over two years now, and that impact is permanent. They can cancel our show, they can try and slap copyright notices on our fan merch, and spew bullshit excuses about the numbers not being there. But Our Flag Means Death sparked a movement, the biggest pirate crew the world has ever seen, using our power for good.

We may not have any more new material for our show for a while, or ever. But I maintain hope that when the dust has settled and streaming has entered its 'new era' that they'll remember us and throw us a lifeline. Because hope is a part of my genetic makeup, and even in cancellation my hope has been renewed that the fight is worth fighting, that our individual choices of kindness are having an effect, and making the world a little easier to live in bit by bit. No one can take from us what we have built out of this show. And thanks to pirating, they can't take the actual show from us either. Despite this, no matter the outcome, I am so happy we got two seasons of this wonderful series. That was more than almost anyone expected. The story belongs to all of us, and it will always live on. We did not truly lose this battle, because in the process we gained more than we could have ever imagined. And I know there's still so much more to come. That gives me the strength to keep doing what I do, every day.

To me, Our Flag Means Hope.