#the way her expression just SHATTERS when she asks 'why wasnt that good enough?' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shhhlikeme · 4 years

Text

“Losty Aone” / “Losty Mountain Man🏔” Series:

Outtake Collection #18.5:

———————————

A/N: I know y’all wanna know what happens here sooo I’ll meet you down at the end with more of my authors notes!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

———————————

EARLIER THAT NIGHT - 10:36 PM - ISSA MESS AT THE MOVIES - PART 2 😭🤡

“Hey. You sure you don’t want us to go with you? I can cancel with my parents and—“

You interrupted your friend, waving her off nonchalantly as you jumped out of the back her car. “No, no, Kusa. Thank you for driving me. You guys didn’t need to! But I really appreciate it. I need this time by myself to just…. You know…. Breathe.”

Kusa frowned at you, still look unsure as to whether she should leave you alone at the theatre or not. Going to the movies alone is a little weird in her opinion, and she knows that you have still been so heartbroken from your breakup, so the fact that Aone had been asked out by one of the girls on the Date Teko cheer team that you considered a friend really hit you hard.

Despite it all, she and Katana have agreed to let you deal with this the way you see fit, because forcing their desires on you wasn’t the right way to go, and the last time they tried that you cut them off for a week. They had to tread very carefully, as friends.

“Okay, babe. Call us when you want to get picked up, Okay? We don’t mind.”

You nodded, wrapping your favourite jacket around you a bit more tightly. The sweater-jacket that actually belonged to the man you were in love with. “Thank you.”

Shutting the door, you stepped back so that Kusa could drive away.

Katana, who was sitting in the passengers seat, pressed the button to roll up her window and You gave them one last wave, ready to see them off, but just before you could Katana—quiet and deep in thought, pressed the same button to roll the window back down. The car didn’t budge.

“Y/N.” The pretty cheer captain said in a small voice, staring at her lap. You had to lean in to hear her.

“Hm?”

Big brown eyes looked into yours as your bestie stared at you. It was silent for a moment and the intensity in the air was palpable. Finally, the brunette spoke.

“I’m worried about you.” She finished, looking more serious than you’ve ever seen her.

Earlier this Saturday night, you found yourself crying in the shower after you heard that an ex teammate of yours, Sutairu, is interested and has decided to pursue Aone.

This girl was gorgeous, sweet, and has noticed your Mountain Man from day one, unlike you. There is not one bad thing you can say about her, and you were sure that eventually—especially with Futakuchi’s help—Aone would some day let his walls down for her. One day you would see the most perfect man in the world with another girl because you let him.

And even though it’s what he deserves: a girl that is better than you, the thought alone shatters you every time it crosses your mind.

Aone was on this girls instagram story,—a photo of him in another hoodie standing in front of the students he teaches with a caption saying: MCM🤫💋❄️

What did that mean? Could they be dating now?

Enough was enough. After crying in your shower, You decided you needed a change in scenery, so you got dressed, only putting on concealer and keeping the natural state of your hair when it’s wet. You threw on a huge cardigan, a tank top and some jeans and told the girls what you had planned. Kusa wouldn’t take no for answer, so they insisted on dropping to you at the theatre to see this action-thriller you found on the website.

So here you are, heart dragging behind you on the floor. You needed to be alone and you needed a change of scenery, that’s all you knew. So now hearing your besties and seeing the absolute fear for your well-being evident on their faces, made your stomach turn even more. Mainly because you couldn’t help them help you. No one can. So that’s why all you answered was,

“I’m worried too.” Staring into the eyes of the two beautiful females you call your best friends. You then Added, “But I need this hour, okay?. I’ll see you guys later. I have my phone.” Without waiting for a response, you spun away from the car to walk into the large building downtown, straight to the bathroom so you could cry in the stalls prior to the movie.

After you spent a good 10 minutes using toilet paper to wipe under your eyes, then reapplying some conveniently packed concealer there in the mirror, you stuffed the Fenty Beauty case in your purse and walked out of the bathroom so that you can purchase your ticket at the self-serve automated machine. You had grabbed your ticket when it slid out the slot and were began walking to your designated theatre when you heard a familiar voice call out to you.

“Hey! Y/N?”

Turning toward the voice, you looked over to see a group of 4 boys, all of which you’ve seen before, but in volleyball practice gear. While they were all staring over at you, naturally—your eyes settled on the one in the middle that you recognized the most. And the one who called your name.

“Takeru,” You breathed, honestly relieved that it wasnt someone from school that you had to pretend you wanted to speak to. Takeru is someone you genuinely liked, that you actually got close to at the Volleyball/Cheer Camp last summer.

“One sec!” He called, and you stood there waiting as Nakashima handed his card to his friends that were waiting at the ticket kiosk. One of them must have said something annoying to him, because Takeru blushed and told him to shut the fuck up. Feeling scrutinized by his friends, you wrapped your arms around your torso as he stealthily limbo-ed under the rope that divided the line from from the rest of the theatre.

***

“Ouuu dudes, look. That’s Takanobu’s super hot girlfriend that you fell in love with last summer! This is your second chance bro, don’t fuck it up!” Takeru’s friend nudged him with his elbow and teased him from where he was standing in line. The other boys chuckled when he said that.

Takeru went red—mostly because he knew it was true. “Shut the fuck up, I’m over her!” He defended himself. He resisted the urge to hit his friend for saying that out loud. Getting out the line because he couldn’t risk his dumb friends exposing his past crush like they almost did multiple times last summer, Nakashima escaped the line to approach you, finding himself jogging over, instead of walking.

🤨

SLOW DOWN, Takeru told himself. ARE YOU REALLY THAT EXCITED TO SEE HER?

“Hi, Y/N!” The ex-high school volleyball player greeted you with a warm smile that neither of you had any idea was reserved for only you. “It’s been a while.”

You forced a smile back, but you could see by the way that his own smile faltered that Takeru noticed your smile didn’t reach your eyes. “You okay?” He asked, concerned.

Lying, you nodded, looking down at your boots and Nakashima resisted the urge to reach forward and tilt your head up. To touch your beautiful skin like he’s wanted to do since the first day you approached him for help, he really thought those emotions had fled… but being around you again made him realize that obvioulsy they hadn’t.

She’s taken, idiot. The athlete reminded himself.

“Is Takanobu here?” Nakashima thought to ask, distinctly remembering how much just mentioning his name would bring a big smile to your face back at camp, lighting it up in its entirety.

So imagine Takeru shock, however, when you winced at the sound of his name instead of beamed. Still staring at your boots, you shook your head. “No, I’m here alone.”

Alone?

Ask. He told himself. ASK!

“Um-ummm—“ is all he could stutter out.

S m o o t h, idiot. he chastised himself for being so lame.

“Please, Takeru-san,” you lifted your head to look up at the man you considered to be a pretty good friend. “Don’t.”

Even though his mind was buzzing with a million questions, Being the smart volleyball player he is, Takeru shut his mouth because the tears welling up in your eyes was enough of an answer than any. His heart sunk seeing you look so unbelievably broken. Without missing a beat, He switched gears. “—What movie are you seeing?” He asked instead.

You grinned weakly but gratefully at his change in topic, a smile that actually did reach your eyes. “Uh, I don’t even know,” you chuckled pathetically. “I just picked any random movie, um, because, yeah.”

She’s so cute, thought Nakashima. “Well it’s written on your ticket. Shall we see?”

“Oh, uh, right.” Feeling dumb, you lifted the ticket in your hand and read the movie title aloud,

“Jet Down 2.”

A large amused smile graced Takeru’s face. “Really—that is probably the biggest ‘guy’ movie ever made,”

You nodded, not wanting to mention that hearing the title made you remember that your ex loved the original of this movie. Your nod introduced Takeru and yourself to an awkward silence. You weren’t about to tell him that you picked a movie that you’d be the least interested in so that you can cry in peace because the sounds of shit blowing up will drown out your sobs, no ma’am. If this was any other time, you would have been so happy to see and catch up with this boy. Asking a million questions and telling him how happy you were to see him. But unfortunately, all you could think about was the “MCM” Snapchat you saw earlier. You were devastated, and Takeru caught on to it.... seeing you about to shatter, yet again. He offered his help.

“Want some company? Uh—“

You immediately shook your head. “No, Takeru-san! You came here with your friends. Enjoy that. Don’t mind me, I....“

Nakashima stared down at you like you were a work of art. When you stopped your pathetic babbling, he nodded slowly, recognizing the same expressions he’s seen his sister’s wear when they were on the verge of crying over a boy. Right before they yelled him to leave their room, leave them alone, and shut the door. The same rule probably applied here. Like an expert, Nakashima backed off. “Okay,” he continued nodding. “I guess I’ll go then. It was really nice seeing you.” He opened his arms and you leaned in for a chaste hug, immediately wishing the male arms around you belonged to a certain white haired volleyball player instead.

Takeru, on the other hand, didn’t realize how much he missed the feel of you in his arms again. He didn’t want to let go. He wished that the feelings you had for Aone-san were for him. Stupid.

Uncharacteristically, Nakashima turned his head to whisper something in your ear before you let go. Before he never saw you again. “But, tonight, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m just one theatre over… Okay? I have a pretty comfortable shoulder, so just text me.”

Holding back tears, you nodded, removing yourself to make your way to the bathroom again.

***

Better late than never, you thought to yourself as you sadly sat in your seat in the theatre solo, unsure of how much time has even passed. You didn’t realize this stupid movie would be so packed, but you were thankful for assigned seating (since you specifically chose an aisle seat in case you needed to make another fast-cry escape). You just sat in your seat, curling into a ball and trying to hold it together the best you can.

You couldn’t.

Another 10-minutes later, you found yourself ugly crying in your three-quarter eaten popcorn, completely drenching the salty snack and making it soggy.

A MESS, you called yourself. This movie was about guns and cars and shit blowing up—but all it took was one tiny little subplot romance scene to break you. LIKE I SAID: A MESS.

One little stupid ‘be safe’ scene and you were thinking about the time you went to the movies with your ex boyfriend and current love of your life. That time, you had insisted on watching this scary movie but you were getting so unbelievably scared, refusing to leave when your boyfriend offered because you are strong af, so when you resorted to hiding yourself behind his bicep and whimpering instead. Takanobu had enough when he heard you make those sad noises, so he scooped you up from your seat so that you were sitting in his lap. That way, you felt his strong arms around you on boy sides and you were easily able to bury your face in his chest or finish the movie. You finished the movie.🥰

You would like to say that that was one of the sweetest things that has ever happened to you, but what with being in a relationship with Aone Takanobu for the past year—that absolutely tooth rottenly sweet gesture wouldn’t even crack the Top 10.

Your tears poured down your cheeks, and you imperceptibly wiped your tears on the sweater of his that you were wearing. Then you realized whose sweater it was and cried even harder! Your heart hurt so much.

And to make matters worse, you ran out of tissues.

Knowing that with your luck you’d run into someone you knew if you left now with a completely drenched face. A/N: or turned around :/desperate and sad, you decided to text your friend Takeru about your dilemma. All you asked him for were some tissues because he sort of knew what you were going through even though you didn’t spell it out for him. You hoped he could help for now and then later tonight you’d send him back the money he spent on his movie or something. You kept erasing the message but decided to send it when others in your row were possibly on to the fact that you were sniffling so much for more serious reasons.

You sent it. Received a response within seconds saying he was on his way.

Nakashima stumbled in to your the theatre not long after. You waved to him where you were seated in the dark, and he came over like a good friend, giving you a brand new popcorn and a set of tissues. You smiled weakly at the kind gesture and remembered that Aone is the entire reason why this boy Takeru is even here right now. Your tears re-established themselves as your date on this your solo movie night as you leaned your head on Nakashima’s shoulder, who told you that if Aone broke up with you he was an idiot.

“I’m the idiot,” You whispered to him, because even if it was just a fleeting thought—Aone didn’t deserve any blame. Ever. He is undoubtedly the best person on this planet. “It’s me,” You whispered again, glad that your whiney voice was no match for the volume of the explosions on screen. You blew your nose in a tissue and resumed your position on Takeru’s shoulder. The gesture was platonic enough, but you realized then and there that there was only one shoulder you felt comfortable leaning on, whether it was friendly or not. You sat back up in your seat and met the gaze of a concerned volleyball player.

“Takeru, I’m so sorry. Can you bring me home—“ the request died on your tongue as you witnessed, or at least you think you did— a dark blur of a a large body with…silver? No, white hair racing down the stairs as if he’d been pushed down them. The figure turned on its heels and fled the theatre in a faster speed than should be possible for a body so large.

The oddness stopped you in your tracks for a second.

Why did that person-?

You were confused, until a waft of fresh mountainous breeze hit your nostrils, making you gasp. It was The best scent in the world. The scent that was vaguely imbedded in the sweater you were wearing. The scent that belonged to—oh God. You choked on your tears.

“Was that…..?” Your tear stained face scrunched together, trying to piece two-and-two together as your losty brain overworked itself.

“What were you going to say? You want a drive home?” You could faintly hear Nakashima’s question even though he was right beside you. You were too busy thinking about how that couldn’t have been Aone who stormed out of here, would he choose this movie—oh my—

Lightbulb turning on, you whipped your entire upper body around and searched the seats for someone recognizable. While your scanning stopped momentarily on a few students from school, they ultimately swam to the person or persons you were looking for: There! Kenji-san and Koganagewa-san, two males who were looking at you and Takeru as if you two were the villains in the movie that just popped out of the screen.

So that WAS Aone!

Why didn’t he come say hi?!

Your heart started racing. Because you loved him.

But if that was Aone.....

Then why did he leave in such a hurry like that…?

And why were his friends looking at you and Nakashima like we…..?

Hold on.

Your eyes take a mind of their own, whipping from Futakuchi, to Kanji, to Takeru, to Takeru’s shoulder that you ere just laying on, back to the vacant seat where Aone must have been sitting in the between his two friends, and then you looked down at your sweater—his sweater. You thought back to Aone’s shattered expression when you broke up with him by the Ferris wheel and then you saw your own brisk walk from that night redone in his body in the way he just left this theatre blur.

Oh no, You thought. Did this look like a…? With Takeru…?!

OH GOD NO.

Your heart dropped like one of those rides at the amusement park:

“Y/N. Are you okay? You look like you’re going to be sick! I can bring you home if you— Y/N? Y/N WAIT LET ME GET MY KEYS—!“

You were already gone, leaving your purse, wallet, phone and everything behind—not having to jump over anyones legs to run down the stairs and out of the theatre. You weren’t as fast as Aone, not by a long shot—but you’d be surprised how fast a girl can move when she’s running to the love of her life.

Running around the empty theatre because everyone was watching a movie, you quickly checked the boys bathroom (not caring that you shouldn’t be in there) before realizing it was empty and then sprinting outside in to the cold night.

Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone, you chanted.

Your head snapped left and right, eyes scanning the parking lot for Aone’s car, and when you spotted it signalling and waiting to make a right out of the theatre, you dangerously raced toward it! Heart pumping, you jumped in front of the vehicle with both hands extended in front of you as if you had the strength to stop the car from moving if you could.

The horn of the car honked dramatically, followed by a head that was not your Mountain Man’s sticking out the window to shout profanities at you to get the fuck out of the way.

Stepping back shakily, you automatically went back to scanning the lot again for the same 4 wheeler, because locating that car was ALL that mattered right now.

Finding HIM was all that mattered.

You had to be more cautious now in your search. More purposeful.

Far back, hundreds of meters from where you were standing you could make out a car that you somehow knew was his. Something, just something, told you it was, and your heart started racing even faster. The lights had turned on like the driver was about to leave, and then it shut off again as if the driver changed their mind about leaving. Without thinking about it, only listening to the pull in your heart that said your man was over there, you used your years of cheerleading experience to catapult you toward the parked vehicle.

When you got closer, your heart squeezed on its own accord as if someone was making pizza dough with it. Slowing down, you took in the sight that was your ex boyfriend sitting in the driver’s seat of his car, white hair visible only because his head was down, forehead kissing the steering wheel, his shoulders vibrating slightly because he is crying. It’s him.

Position:

Not stopping to think anymore, acting on pure love and instinct, you sped over to the driver’s side and tugged the door open. Thank God it was unlocked.

This giant mountain man didn’t move from his position crying on the steering wheel. Only muttering a broken, “Kenji-san, please leave me—“

“Not Justin Bieber look-alike!” You croaked loudly, heart pounding when this gorgeous man’s head lifted as soon as you uttered your first syllable. He looked you up and down and your breath caught in your throat. You’ve NEVER seen such a beautiful man cry before, and although it tugged at what was left of your heart—you thought he looked breathtaking.

“Y/N…..? D-did Kenji-san send you out-t-t he-here? I apolo-pologize—“

You shook your head, unable to stop yourself from pouring your heart out.

“Hey. Remember the other day after you helped me film my cheerleading tryout, you said that you were happy we were fr-friends?” You asked sharply, ignoring his apology for now, and forever grateful for the fact that you had major cojones when you wanted to. They came in handy at times like this.

With red puffy eyes, Aone wiped his face and then nodded, making you melt.

“Well,” You took a shaky breath, sliding your own tears to the side before you left your heart out on the table for this man.

“Well, I’m not your friend, Aone.”

Aone visibly swallowed, his eyes welling up with tears again. He hated himself so much for crying like this.

“I-I know, not y-yet, bu-but I was hoping one day you’d-d—“ Mountain man didn’t even know what he wanted to say, he was dead.

“No. I’m not your friend.” You repeated yourself, watching a shiver run through Takanobu due to the chill in your voice and the intensity your eyes held.

You could sense that he wasnt getting where you were going with this play on words, so you cut to the chase. Hopefully he would get it after hearing what he had to say next, just like you did when he said these same words to you once in a bowling alley.

“The reason I can’t be your friend is because I like you so much more than a friend, Aone. You have no idea how much more.”

Aone shivered again, his beautiful lips separating because his jaw dropped slightly. He recognized his words on your lips now, you could tell. He was understanding how you felt now, so you continued anxiously:

“Everything about you drives me absolutely insane, Takanobu. Your spirit, your love, the way you are the only man I will ever love……even the way you can’t notice that your ex is still madly in love with you, and that she only came here tonight to cry over you alone but ran into someone, and even though she was dumb enough to break up with you.”

Aone’s jaw had just dropped wider as you spoke, his mind reeling.

You stepped in closer to where he was sitting in his car, closing the distance because you just couldn’t stand being any further from him anymore. You also wanted to whisper this next part. You wanted him to know that his confession to you was etched in your brain so much so that you could recite it in a moments notice, even if that said moment was full of pure emotional madness like right now.

“I’m not your friend, Aone.” You repeated once again. “I don’t want to be. I want to be everything else for you. Everything more. Takanobu, I have a confession to make.” You used both of your cold hands to cup his cheeks, his beautiful, red, stubble filled, wet cheeks.

“I love you. I love you, my Mountain Man. I love you more than I did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. I loved you on the Ferris wheel, and I loved you when you filmed my tryouts. I love you Right now, and I will forever. I will explain everything, I promise. But there has never been, nor will there ever be anyone else for me other than you, Aone-san.”

You giggled through your tears because Takanobu looked so confused but happy. It was an odd expression, but very cute. You continued,

“I know we get called Losties a lot which used to bother me, but you know what: maybe we are, but that’s besides the point—because all I know is that I used to hate being called that…. Until I met you.” You leaned in so that your foreheads were touching. “When I met you, Aone-san....... I stopped caring about being lost….... none of it mattered to me.......insofar as we were lost together. Together with you is the only way I want to go through life, Aone, so I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for letting my insecurities drive me and I’m sorry for possibly confessing to you when you have someone else. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m—“

Mountain Man imitated your gesture of cupping your cheeks in his large hands, wiping away your tears like you did to him.

And then, without saying another word like he was good at—

He slid you into his lap sitting in the front seat, back in the same position he pulled you in the last time you two were at this theatre—

and then he kissed you.

It was a kiss so passionate that you gasped into it, needing him, needing him like a hiker needed their mountain. A kiss so passionate it l lasted for the remaining duration of the movie (no word of a lie) because you refused to let each other go—but most importantly: it was a kiss that made you realize that you and Mountain Man weren’t just two losties lost together like you mentioned a bit ago—no. Absolutely not. Actually, this kiss was so passionate it made you realize that you were really two losties that were lost in every aspect in life—minus one:

Because you two could never be lost when it came to your feelings for one another. Finding true love happened to be the only aspect of life that most people on this planet remained lost in, which happened to be the exact aspect of life where you and Aone have both been….

Found.

🐢

———————————

A/N: That’s it! I am secretly here to let y’all know that there will be one more collection post next time I write, and that post will be the end of this losty series. I will cry when that time comes lmao but for now tysm for reading this marathon - I would loooove to hear your thoughts! I literally die when you guys comment or send me private messages reacting. It makes my whole day istg. Anyways, Wishing you all the best as always. See you next time. Xoxo

Taglist: @galagcica @chaichai-the-weeb @nairobiisqueen @bisasterrr @juminly @simply-not-the-same @marvelousbakugou @qyuanon

#haikyuu fluff #haikyuu boys #haikyuu angst #hq headcanon #haikyuu!!#aone x reader #aone x y/n #haikyuu headcanons #hq headcannons #haikyuu headcannons #koganegawa kanji #kenji futakuchi #haikyuuwritersnet #aone takanobu stories #aone takanobu x you #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #date tech

134 notes · View notes

krabmeat · 3 years

Text

𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚌𝚛𝚒𝚖𝚎?

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜: c!Quackity, c!Techno, c!Tommy, c!Tubbo, c!Schlatt 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: violence, fighting, threats, weapons, panic attack, manipulation, yelling

𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚎:

another lore fic for my dsmp persona, this wasnt a request just something i wanted to post! enjoy! :]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

The molten and glowing netherite dented into the ideal shape that Krabs had in mind. Currently she was in her smithy at home working on a dozen netherite tipped arrows. She hadn’t tried making arrows before but when Techno asked her for a commission for it, how hard could it be, right? By the looks of it, it seems to be turning out well. She managed to make a strong, dense metal fit the characteristic requirements of an arrow that should be light and steady.

On about her 5th one, 4 steady knocks come from her door.

‘I’m not expecting anyone today…?’

The same knocks rumble from the spruce wood. Krabs puts down her welding tools and goes to put on her worn and ripped navy trench coat.

“Yeah, hold up! I’ll be there real quick!”

Grabbing Axe My Beloved and heading for the door, she places her weapon next to the door out of view in case she needs to use it at all. Opening the door, she realizes she needs her weapon in her hands once she sees the man on the other side.

“Ah, Krabs! Just the lady I wanted to see!”

Krabs furrows her brow and gets in a defensive position, grabbing Axe My Beloved and holding it in front of her.

“Why are you here? How the hell did you get past the forest and what do you want?”

Her words are like venom, the hostility practically oozing out of her body. Quackity takes a casual step back and holds his hands up in surrender.

“Relax, relax! I’m not here to hurt you, maybe- just here to discuss some…business.”

He can see the confusion on Krabs’ face along with how dumb she thinks he’s being. Deciding to humor his request, she pretends to think about what he said and acts like she’s taking it into consideration before dropping her expressions that made Quackity hopeful.

“I don’t think you see how much of a contradicting dumba$$ you sound like right now. We have nothing to discuss so get off my property, you’ll lower the property value.”

She walks away and waits for the door to slam shut after swinging it closed, but it never happens. Instead the door is met with Quackity’s foot as he opens it and lets himself in without warning. Krabs turns around and he’s already right behind her.

“What the- QUACKITY WHAT THE F*CK?! GET OUT!”

Krabs swings her axe at Quackity, making them easily dodgeable as to not hurt him but more so to scare him away.

“Well you let other people talk to you about what’s on their mind! Cmonnn, how is this any different?”

“Man, I have no clue! It couldn’t possibly be because you always want me dead whenever I see you! You tell me Quackity, why is it any different?” Krabs says.

He then gets a small smirk grazed across his lips. He knows that she’s being sarcastic, but pretends to play dumb.

“I have no idea what you're talking about! You're really just gonna ignore someone who needs to talk to you? Wow...I thought you were better than this.”

Krabs stops and rolls her eyes, sighing as she walks to a door expecting Quackity to keep up, which he does.

“Leave all your weapons outside the room. I’m keeping mine next to my chair because I still don’t trust you but other than that I won’t have any weapons either. This is the best you’ll get from me.”

The room contains 2 small navy couches across from each other, 3 black leather stools along the wall and a small coffee table between the 2 couches. A big window with open, white shutters is on the right wall and the rest of the walls are a plain grey tone. Sure enough, Krabs grabs a stool and sits down after leaning Axe My Beloved against it while instructing Quackity to sit wherever he wants after he places his weapons outside the door. They are both seated when Krabs nods at Quackity, signaling him to start speaking.

“Well it looks like you’ve got a nice place here! I have to say, I saw some of the weapons you’ve made in your workshop and your work is amazing!”

He’s seated on the couch, looking around at the small room and taking it all in. He can sense the uneasiness from Krabs and it makes him smile.

“Yeah...I was working on a new commission before you came knocking at my door. Some netherite tipped arrows for Techno.”

Krabs starts fidgeting with her hands, scratching her thumb against her index finger. She’s reluctant to make eye contact with the scarred man in front of her. She knows he’s staring her down and it makes her wanna shrink down into her seat, but she won’t. Looking vulnerable isn't exactly up her alley, so she takes on a more casual look but still avoids eye contact.

“Hm...look, we’re both busy people so I’ll cut to the chase. I’m sure you've heard of the new country I’m starting up, Las Nevadas. Everything’s built, there’s a bunch of casinos and it’ll be one of the most economically prosperous places you’ll ever see. I’m asking you to join my country Krabs. Join me.”

“Um...excuse me, what? Out of all people, you’re asking me to join your country? Man, how desperate are you? Of course I’m not joining! Let alone a country led by you, Quackity.”

Quackity tilts his head to the side in amusement as if he was expecting this response. Which he was. He’s not surprised that she reacted that way. I mean, one of your worst enemies who’s always out for your throat asking to stand side by side with you? That’s practically asking to be labeled as suspicious!

“You’re still holding onto the past, I see. Krabs, you need to stop looking back. L’manburg is f*cking gone and there’s nothing we can do about it. I don’t care anymore that you helped blow it up because I moved on. You should too.”

Krabs lets out a long, aggravated sigh and tightly clenches her hands together to relieve pressure.

“Maybe if you would take the f*cking time to listen for once, our sh*t could have been resolved a long time ago! I tried telling you why I had to help build the detonator but YOU decided to not let me speak and instead shoved me to the damn ground and made stupid false accusations. Why the hell do you think Tommy isn’t mad at me for helping? Or Tubbo? Because they had the common sense to let me EXPLAIN, QUACKITY! Our issues with each other are all on you, so quit trying to shove it all down my throat. Either way, I’m not gonna join you. I’m not Techno, Quackity. I don’t team with my enemies, you’ll just stab me in the back later.”

“Your ‘reasoning’ for why you helped is for another chat. It’s funny how you bring up Technoblade, though. You guys seem to work with each other a lot, right? I mean, he trusts you enough to let you live in the same area as him! But...what else is there to you?”

“Hm, well as you know I’m a welder, builder, blacksmith, redstone intelligent, pretty good at PVP and the general therapist of the Dream SMP. I also have my fair share in historical events, so there’s quite a bit to me actually.”

A long sigh and a slow head shake of disapproval comes from Quackity.

“And yet, you’re still as significant as a grain of sand.”

Krabs doesn’t get offended or angry, but rather curious and suspicious. Her eyes squint at him, tilting her head slightly to the side waiting for him to continue.

“Krabs, what word have you built for yourself? What title? ‘The Laborer’? ‘The Therapist’? You block out everyone from yourself, you’ve made yourself dull and boring. You have nothing to hide if you join me, Krabs. You’ll be someone!”

“Did you just completely ignore everything I just said?”

She finally looks up at Quackity, squinting at him. Accepting his request to chat is something she regrets now.

“I’m not ignoring anything, I’m telling you the cold hard truth. All of the sh*t you’ve been a part of was never you. All you are is an asset to peoples victory, and since you jump around so much your help isn’t as respected anymore as it used to be! You’re just Technoblades assistant. You’re just Tommy’s assistant. You’re just your ‘fathers’ assistant. And sooner or later they’ll realize your worth and drop you. They’re going to leave you, Krabs.”

The last phrase sends chills of anxiety and paranoia down Krabs’ spine. Was that really true? I mean, she had always known that she was less than her friends but pushing those kinds of thoughts away were a normally practiced thing for her. Her vicious shaking proved why she always tried to shove away the thought. Tears threatened to dump from her eyes as she downcasted her gaze to try and hide her sorrow, her breaths shallow and shaky.

“Shut the f*ck up…”

Quackity is a bit taken aback by her current state, but quickly tries to recover and recoil with an answer.

“It’s not my fault you’re too much of a p*ssy to-“

“I SAID SHUT THE F*CK UP! SO F*CKING HELP ME QUACKITY IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SLICE YOUR TORSO IN HALF-“

Krabs’ yells, sobs, and threats choke to a stop as her neck is held at knife point with her axe kicked away from her reach by Quackity.

“Try to kill me and I’ll slit your throat right here with your own f*cking finger, Krabs.”

Both of them know what he means by that. He snuck in the knife he made after chopping one of Krabs’ iron fingers a while ago. She welded a new one back, but he got it made into a pocket knife just to spite her. And now here she is, being threatened with her own material. Her head is tilted upwards exposing her neck more but not wanting the knife to be in more contact with her skin. It feels like time stands still for a couple of seconds. With Krabs trying to fully process the situation while also trying to not look as weak and shattered as she does, and Quackity feeling both prideful yet slightly shocked that he has one of his longtime enemies finally backed up into a corner. Tears are running down Krabs’ cheeks but she can't wipe them away in fear of the blade being pushed further into her skin. But the silence gives her time to calm down and recoil.

“So, you're gonna take a life? Go ahead. Attack when your opponent is at their weakest, like always. Pathetic. Killing me wouldn't do anything, it would be a dishonorable kill and you would lose a precious member of Las Nevadas.”

His thoughts linger on the first part of what she said, when he realizes the last part. The knife hesitates and releases pressure from Krabs’ skin, giving her the chance to slowly back away from the knife. Once she's leaned back into the stool enough, Krabs dives for her axe but Quackity reacts before she can get to it and slams her stomach into the wall harshly with his shoulder. He crouches down in front of her aching body as she hisses in pain, cradling her stomach with her right arm.

“This is a dangerous f*cking game you're playing here, Krabs. Repeat that last thing you said.”

But no words come out of her mouth. They're all stuck in her mind. Her eyes are squeezed shut and hard breaths are escaping her nose. The words in her mind are ping-ponging all over the place and it feels like everything is both in and out of her grasp. Both her thoughts and her body are shaking- she's having a panic attack. An event that Quackity is all too familiar with from his Manburg days. The way Schlatt was like during their partnership in running Manburg, the abuse was both mental and physical so panic attacks aren't a foreign thing for Quackity. After he realizes this, he waits. Obviously he's not the person to help Krabs with this, and he doesn't think she would want help from him after what he did, so he lets her calm down on her own before engaging in a preferably more calm conversation.

“Are you able to listen to me now?”

A genuine question, no sarcasm, annoyance or malice laced in between. Krabs nods her head while keeping her gaze on the spruce floor in front of her. Quackity takes on a less menacing tone and instead speaks casually to not bring attention to Krabs’ current state, as well as to make things easier and less tense.

“Look, I heard you say something that hinted you were joining me. Were you telling the truth?”

Krabs takes a deep breath. Her voice is quiet and raspy, but she manages to mumble out a response.

“Admittedly, I said that to throw you off guard…”

Quackity chuckles quietly. Of course she would do that, how did he not realize? Still though, he's gotta admit it was pretty clever.

“You’re really hard to convince, aren't you?”

“Considering I'm your enemy, of course I'm gonna be difficult.”

“Well, then how about we make a bet for it then? It is a casino dependent nation, after all.”

Krabs looks up at Quackity, her eyes bloodshot but still wanting to know more of this bet Quackity has in mind. Her right eyebrow raises in wonder.

“We duel. If I win, you join me in Las Nevadas and capitalize off of the plot of land I'll be giving you. As well as pledging loyalty to the nation, following our laws, etc etc.”

“And if I win?”

“Straight to the point I see! If you win...not only will you not have to join Las Nevadas, you will also have immediate connections to me- the owner of the nation- if you ever get into any sh*t and you won’t need to owe anything in return, and I'll also keep the little episode you just had completely under wraps. Deal?”

Quackity holds out his hand to Krabs, waiting for her to seal the deal. She stares at his hand, thinking about the offer.

‘Seems fair enough…wouldn't want news spilling out anyways.’

“Hm, deal. When is this duel of yours taking place, and where? What are the rules?”

She shakes his hand then lets go, listening closely.

“It'll be in The Needle in Las Nevadas in about an hour or so. Bring as many weapons or materials as you wish, but no armor to make things more interesting. The first one to put down their weapon and surrender loses the bet,”

He gets up from his crouched position and heads for the door.

“See ya in about an hour, Krabs. Start preparing! I know I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Krabs looks down at the small piece of paper with the coordinates sloppily written on it. Quackity had placed it on her workbench before leaving, so she followed it after packing everything she thought she needed. A huge red and white sign stood proudly next to the concrete walkway.

Las Nevadas

read the sign. This was the place, she knew it. Not only from the obnoxiously bright sign, but also because of the golden winged man sitting just below the sign. Krabs whistles at Quackity, causing him to spot her walking towards him.

“Alright then, let's make this quick. Follow me, we're going to The Needle.”

To say the country was impressive was an understatement. Casinos, food joints, gathering places scattered all across the roads. The sun started to slowly set about a minute ago, making everything a beautiful golden orange hue. Krabs keeps her comments to herself, but looks around in wonder. She hadn't seen such a beautiful place ever since before the detonation of L’manburg. Krabs didn't say anything, but Quackity could see the look of amazement on her face and felt his ego boost a bit.

“Yknow, we don't even have to fight if you already like it here-!”

“Now who said anything about that?”

The elevator dings, and the two exit the small glass room into the highest and most spacious level of The Needle. The view is like nothing Krabs has ever seen before. The sky started taking on a darker hue, meaning that lights were being turned on throughout the country. And man, what a sight it was.

“So, are you ready?”

She snaps out of her trance, only to be met with Quackity standing in a fighting position on the other side of the room, sword in hand with potion effects floating around him. Krabs nods and proceeds to take out Axe My Beloved and eats a gapple.

And with that, the duel starts. Quackity is first to react, lunging at Krabs and slicing his sword at her. A swift move to the left and she evaded the attack and hacks her axe into Quackity’s torso. Dislodging it, blood drips from her weapon, yet he hasn't dropped. Instead, his skin has woven back together leaving not a scar behind, only a tear in his shirt. Time feels slow but is moving fast when their weapons strike each other, they both reposition their weapons to a flatter angle to try and shove the other away. 5 distinct seconds are gone, Quackity takes a potion from his inventory and quickly down the bottle, smashing the empty glass to the side while overpowering Krabs with one hand on his sword.

‘Regeneration and strength potions…’

Quackity managed to push her to the ground on her back, his sword striking against her axe she's using to block. His strength potion hasn't worn out yet so his sword is getting closer and closer to Krabs’ neck before she swipes her foot at his legs, making him fall over but getting a light cut on her arm.

Both of them are breathing heavily. Quackity’s regeneration potion has worn off but his strength potion hasn't. It's become clear to Krabs that he's relying on potions to win, which is perfect for what she's been saving. Clang after clang from blocked attacks, they've been going at each other for a good 10 minutes now when suddenly Quackity disappears after downing another bottle.

‘That f-cker had an invisibility potion!!’

His steps are quiet and he's making no noise, making things almost impossible to locate him. Krabs orbits around the center of the room, being cautious of any noise she hears or any potion effects she spots. Her eyes catch the familiar colorful potion effects rushing for her, she takes out a splash potion bottle filled with milk and smashes it in the general area of the potion effects. She wasn't sure if this experiment was gonna work, so she was surprised when all of the potion effects Quackity had wore off immediately, making him both visible and weaker. His sword gets a few inches stuck in Krabs’ metal arm that she had used to block herself with. It's wedged in enough that Krabs can yank the sword away from his grasp, dislodge the sword from her arm and throw it out the window. Glittering, clear shards scatter everywhere, and Quackity has been disarmed. The perfect opportunity open to her, Krabs rushes Quackity, holding her axe to his chest. The only thing behind him is the velvety sky, a cool breeze dancing through the few hairs exposed from under his beanie.

“Well, this has been a good fight! But you should have been more precautious, after all-”

For what seems to be the millionth time, he downs a potion from his inventory and tosses the bottle out of the already shattered window.

“-I am a gambler!”

He leans back into the night sky. Krabs expected an immediate death until she saw him slowly float down from the top of the building, laughing in overwhelming pride and satisfaction- he got away.

“HAH! GOOD FIGHT KRABS, BUT I HAVE A COUNTRY TO RUN AND I CAN’T RUN IT IF I’M DEAD! THE OFFERS STILL OPEN THOUGH, HIT ME UP IF YOU WANT THAT PLOT OF LAND!”

Quackity’s feet softly hit the ground, picking up his sword and walking away from the building with his own little victory. Krabs scoffs as he walks away, but not in pure hatred or anger. More so amused. Maybe she would just take the plot of land. What could go wrong, right?

12 notes · View notes

justsomegruviastuff · 5 years

Text

Loosing control / gruvia fic part 2

This is the last part of the fanfic ! It look me a long time to write it and I wasnt able to draw a good picture I tried 2 ideas and they both ended up trashy so no drawing in this one ! I hope you enjoy it and thanks for all the love in the last one 🌹

Seing Juvia on the ground unconcious with her neck covered in bruises drove Gray crazy . The strange marks started once again appearing on his body . He stood up and saw Laxus maniacally laughing from afar and the thunder legion standing ready to attack .

" You're going to regret this " Gray hissed and he was now fuming . His fists clenched the second Freed approached casting a spell in the process. He quickly dodged it and in a split second he grabbed him by the neck and threw him on a wall leaving him unconcious since he was already badly injured . Evergreen was next , she used her wings and flew near Gray but before she was able to attack he froze her wings with a swift hand motion and she fell to the ground . Bickslow came running towards him and his babies circled around him . Before they attacked he covered the space around him with ice walls and pushed them hard in their direction , smashing Bickslow and his babies .

" Oh finally , I was getting bored " Laxus smirked as Gray walked step by step near him .

" Come on Gray ! Or should I say demon ?" Gray stopped moving slow . He punched Laxus with an ice fist .

" Is that all you can do? " Gray casted a spell that surrounded Laxus in an ice circle and was ready to smash him but with his lightning he destroyed the ice .

" Come on I'm sure a demon can do better than that " Gray hissed and punched Laxus .

" I'm not a demon " he screamed. Laxus grabbed his fist and gave it a hard squish.

" We both know who you really are Gray ! You're just like me , you're evil you were always evil! You might be fooling everyone else but I know how it feels , to have this darkness inside you that urges you to do horrible things ! You seek for blood just as I do , I tried the nice act but it didnt work ! The white doctrine showed me a better path and you should be a part of it ! " with every word he squished Grays knuckles.

" I'm... not like .. you " Laxus laughed

" You're worse than me " Gray was struggling but he managed to escape Laxus grip . He stood in front of him .

" You killed your own master . You tried to kill your father and you went completely demon on your best friend Natsu . You're trying to protect her from me ? You should be protecting her from yourself, you left her alone and completely shattered her ,theres a reason why you always fail to keep her safe . Drop the goody -two- shoes act Gray you're not fooling me , you're pure evil . "

Grays mind went blank his head turned when he saw Juvia coughing and Laxus smirking .

" I'll show you evil " in mere seconds he froze the whole landscape , encasing half of Laxus body in ice . He smashed the ice with his fists and sent him flying to a wall . He punched him twice in the face and kicked his ribs , Gray was so fast with every attack Laxus wasn't able to react . Grays fists hit Laxus again and again and he was tossed around by smashing on the wall and falling on the ground . He was now seriously injured and bleeding but that didnt stop Gray .

" You're evil "

" you're a monster "

and other things that Laxus said were ringing in his head replaying every second . He had seriously injured Laxus and he wasn't going to stop there .

" Gray - sama " he barely heard her voice and he continued beating Laxus . He punched and punched until he heard footsteps approaching.

" Gray - sama .. stop " all he was hearing were Laxus words again and again .

" You're a demon "

" You're a monster "

his body shivered when he felt a warm hand touching his shoulder, he quickly turned around and with his fist encased in ice he scratched Juvias body .

" I'm not a monster !" He screamed while he ripped Juvias remaining clothes with one hand motion . His eyes widened and his blood went cold , he shivered and his heartbeat increased. In front of him was none other than Juvia , she clearly had struggled to get near him. Her neck was badly bruised and she was coughing blood . Her clothes were ripped and covered in dirt .

His heart skept a beat when he laid his eyes in the direction his hand went . The ice part of his hand was covered in blood , juvias stomach was bleeding and she had a hand over it trying to stop the blood from flowing . What made his heart burst was the spot that he had cut , memories flew through his mind when he saw the familiar scar that he had just reopened.

It was like the whole world had stopped moving it was just him and her . He was unable to move , unable to breathe , he couldn't believe what he had just done . No , that wasn't him, he would never , ever hurt her, not in a lifetime . He was not a monster and only monsters hurt the ones they loved , he wasn't one of them , or was that what he thought? Because the picture in front of him said otherwise.

Finally he came to his senses and reached to her , trying to help her . What made his heart ache was that when he reached his hand she jerked away terrified . Her hands were covered in blood and she was groaning in pain, he did that to her . Grays gaze was focused on Juvias scar that was now covered in blood . His head turned immediately when he heard a sound coming the other way . He saw Laxus groaning, laying on the ground badly injured , he was bleeding everywhere and he was covered in bruises .

Gray then realized , he got up from his feet to look around , the whole landscape was covered in ice . From a far he could see Bickslow covered in scratches and bruises laying on the ground unconcious, in the same condition were Evegreen and Freed , his friends , that he just hurt , he did that to them . Gray hated himself even more with each passing second,he tried reaching to Juvia but she would jerk away scared.

" You're a monster" he heard Laxus whisper before he completely lost conciousness. Gray lifted his hands to his head and started shaking . His whole body was trembling. Suddenly he punched the ground and started screaming.

" I did that ! I'm a fucking monster ! Why did I fucking do that? " he was pulling his hair maniacally and punching the ground while screaming. His body froze when he felt her touch again , even though it wasn't warm like before because of the blood covering it , he still recognized her touch .

" Gray - sama ? " he turned his gaze towards her and when he saw her his body immediately relaxed . She wasn't jerking away , she wasn't afraid of him . His eyes fell back to her scar . He reached his hand on top of it and froze it so she wouldn't lose too much blood, even though she already had .

" I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry " he whispered to her and his voice cracked , a tear rolled down his cheek . He felt her thumb wiping it away and he let himself enjoy her touch , but it didnt last long, he quickly realized . He suddenly jerked away .

" No ... you shouldn't be .. comforting me ! I ... this is my fault ... your bleeding because of me ! " juvia had a sincere expression on her face .

" It wasn't you Gray - sama ! Whoever did this to Juvia wasn't you! " Gray raised his eyebrow confused.

" It was me , I lost control and I hurt you... and everyone else ! You should hate me right now " Juvia gently cupped Grays cheek and removed another one of his tears .

"Juvia will never hate you Gray-sama ! Juvia loves you too much to do that !" Gray was looking her straight in the eyes .

" Then why did you jerk away when I tried to help you ? " juvia didnt answer , she couldn't. Gray got up from his knees and still kept his gaze towards Juvia.

" You see ? You know that I'm a monster ,you just cant say it !" Juvia suddenly got up herself struggling a little because of her wound .

" No no ,that's not true ! Gray -sama is not a monster! "

" Then why were you afraid of me ?" Juvias eyes fell in the direction of his body , she gulped loudly.

" Juvia wasn't scared of you ! Juvia was scared of that... " juvia pointed towards Grays body , where his marks were . Gray was once again confused.

" But.. that's a part of me !" Juvia gently grabbed his hand .

" That you have to learn to control or it's going to control you , like it did now! "

Gray started caressing her hand . More tears rolled down his cheek .

" I'm never going to be good enough, am I? Juvia came closer to Gray and grabbed his other hand too .

" Good enough for what darling? " he raised one of his arms and started playing with her locks .

"You! ... you deserve so much better than me " juvia chuckled.

" Gray -sama , you made Juvia better ! "

"What do you mean ?" Gray asked concerned .

" Juvias wasn't always like this ! Juvia was a horrible person once , I was moody and depressed and mean , Juvia wanted to hurt people, make them suffer like she did !" Gray cupped her cheek and brushed some hairs and dirt of her face .

" But you're not like that now ! Now your cheerful and full of life . You give nothing but love and happiness to everyone and you dont expect something back" Juvia smiled .

" Gray - sama you did that ! You made Juvia the person she is today ! If it weren't for you she would have lived her life thinking that she didnt need love " Gray slowly got closer and he gently rested his forehead to hers .

" You deserve all the love in the world " Juvia caressed Grays cheek .

" Gray -sama does too . So please let Juvia show you that you deserve love , like you did to her " Gray finally let out a sincere smile and admired Juvias ocean blue eyes .

"This is a dream " he chuckled and so did Juvia .

" And we deserve to live it , toghether! " Gray smiled and their lips were now a centimeter away .

" Yes , yes we do !"

And finally he did the thing he'd been dying to do for ages . He kissed her. I'm not going to say that the kiss was magical because that's an obvious understatement.

•~ Let's just say that her lips were for only him to kiss , her scent was for only him to smell , her taste was for only him to taste and her heart is for only him to keep .•~

The end

Yep I wrote that last paragraph and I'm proud of it just as I am for the rest of the story so I really hope you like it 😍🌹

@sweetmemories2606

@juvialos-blog

@lovelocksers

@allie-and-her-fandoms ahhh I cant find you its frustrating sorryy !

Thanks to all of you for all the love in the last one I appreciate it I hope you like this one !🌹

#gruvia #juvia lockser #gray fullbuster #gruvia angst #gruvia fanfic #gruvia fanfiction

85 notes · View notes

swellwriting · 6 years

Text

idontwannabeyouanymore

Fandom: Harry Potter (Marauders Era)

Pairing: Remus x Reader

Warnings: Uhm angst kind of, Reader is insecure so that’s kind of a touchy topic for some.

A/N: This is based off the song idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish, take a listen try not to let it get you too emo.

Word Count: 2.3k

As you walked down the hallway you pulled your sleeves over your hands and folded your cardigan around yourself tilting your head slightly down so your hair fell to curtain your face, the usual routine when you became aware that people could be looking at you. Remus noticed right away, he always did.

“Don’t be that way.”

You frowned and then forced a smile, your insecurities swallowing you whole, you hid your shame and self-hatred with a witty response.

“What? I’m not allowed to fall apart at least twice a day?”

“Maybe once, but not twice.”

His response was also witty but held a serious tone, not letting you brush this aside as usual, with no witty response to that you stayed quiet.

“I just wish you could feel what you say about others.”

“Mhm like what?”

“Like the way you ignored Sirius’ reputation and gave him the same clean slate you would anyone else. You didn’t have to hear his side or work your way in to break down his walls to hear the truth behind the reputation, you believed in him since day one. Don’t tell James but I think he would have come to your house instead of James’ that night he left home if you weren’t on vacation.”

“Oh yeah don’t tell james that, I don’t wanna come between their bromance.”

Remus let himself smile but grabbed your hands and pulled you to an empty hallway.

“No Y/N, im being Serious. Why can’t you treat yourself the way you treat others?”

“I’m not trying to treat myself differently.”

“You should be as forgiving to yourself as you are to me when I shut myself away from everyone.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“And you’re at fault for something?”

“Well…”

“No excuses, you give everyone unconditional love except yourself.”

“I want to.” You said frowning, trying to hold your composure, the hallway was no place to have an emotional breakdown. Remus watched your face fall and grabbed your hands pulling you down the hallways swiftly wanting to bring you somewhere else. But luckily for you the hallways crowded and the bell rang, class would be your escape from this unwanted conversation.

You managed to avoid Remus after class too, swiftly making your way to your room to hide yourself away, your room was a comfort, your own slice of heaven in your eyes. Your roommates unprying, but still nice to you. The comfort of your sheets, an open window and a book was all you thought you would ever need. But as you made your way to your bed you passed your mirror accidentally meeting your reflection in what you hoped would be an empty room, forced to face yourself for what should have been a fleeting second to anyone else but you dwelled there, staring yourself down.

You stepped closer looking at your reflection picking out all the flaws no one else could notice with a magnifying glass. Things that maybe existed solely in the expanse if your mind filling it to the brim with self hatred and insecurities. You wanted to cry or scream at your reflection, have her scream back and tell you all the things you were feeling in your mind but the room was silent aside from your shallow breaths getting deeper as anger boiled in your chest.

Was it normal to look in the mirror and feel hatred? Not love for your smile or admiration for your kind eyes, without adjusting your hair out of your face so elegantly like everyone else did while passing their reflection.

You wanted to punch the mirror and watch it shatter, so angry at your reflection you wanted to physically hurt her. But you knew it was too dramatic and your magic and mental state were not one on the same, you’d be too weak to conjure up a spell and repair the millions of shards leaving a permanently cracked mirror in your wake to constantly remind you of your self hatred on days like today. Making every day feel like this.

You might as well write your thoughts on the mirror and force yourself to read them every morning, feeling as though you deserved to feel like this everyday, like the good days never mattered when you had to go through a bad one. But you wouldn’t do that nor would you smash it.

You whispered instead of yelling, talking to yourself so quiet only you and the mirror could hear, telling the mirror what you know she’s heard before.

You pressed your forehead against the mirror in defeat, you would hug your reflection if you could just to provide yourself with some much needed comfort but that wasn’t an option.

You instead gripped the sides of the mirror so hard you thought it might end up cracking anyways, but after a few labored breaths and as a few lines of tears slowly trickled down your cheeks curving over to your mouth making you taste the salt, you finally backed away, half expecting there to be two dents in the mirror and two bloody shard filled thumbs at your sides.

But all that was there was a few smudges you would never take the time to clean and your own reflection staring sadly back at you. When you finally turned away from her your eyes met Remus’ who were wide and filled with even more empathy than usual which you didn’t think was possible, the boy would overdose on empathy if he wasn’t careful.

He was standing in the doorway and you didn’t know for how long, you didn’t know if he saw you cry and whisper to yourself, if he saw you get angry and then try to seek comfort in yourself going through a whirlwind of emotions.

How often did you do this? Do you always feel like this? Did he make you feel like this by not telling you how he felt about you, how the face you hated made his heart melt and his knees week, especially when you would smile, specifically at him.

“I didn’t want to talk before and I don’t want to now.” You spoke up, lifting your chin as you did faking a strength you knew was not within you.

“Well now I can’t ignore it, you can’t do that to yourself Y/N, you can’t be so harsh so judgmental!” Remus pleaded, wanting to close the space between the two of you.

“Well I just did and I always do and I’m fine.”

“You are not fine you're ripping yourself apart!” Remus felt like crying too, he felt helpless not knowing how to help you.

“I just don’t want to be stuck as me anymore. And I know it's selfish for me to complain about to you of all people.” You admitted sitting at the edge of your unmade bed, looking at the book that lied within the messy sheets. You would much rather be reading, escaping to a world where all the problems were fictional.

“Well you’re you for your whole life, if you can’t learn to love yourself you’ll be living life like an enemy in your own body, and I know what that's like, I don't want you to have to be like that too!” He spoke with so much emotion, always a caring soul but usually dripping with sarcasm and a cheeky grin which were both nowhere to be found right now. Just raw emotional Remus wanting to scream I love you but not having enough nerve.

“That's how I feel already.”

“Well I think you need to make amends even if I have to endlessly tell you how beautiful you are inside and out, how you catch the eyes of everyone in a room including your own and that’s why you never notice, then I will.”

“You don’t mean that Rem, you've never said that to me before.”

“Because I was selfish.”

“How?” You asked so timidly, completely unaware of what Remus was talking about.

“I didn’t think you needed to hear it I didn’t want to say it out loud.” Remus admitted coming to sit down beside you, fiddling with his sleeves pulling the the loose strings.

“You didn't want to tell me you think I’m pretty?” You asked him so dumbly, so naively having no idea the emotions the boy beside you had been harboring for your for so long and how deep they really ran within him.

“No I can’t just say you’re pretty without saying your smile is the most enticing thing I have ever seen it makes me smile, it makes me want to never stop. The way it lifts your cheeks and you squint your eyes a bit, especially when your really happy.

“Stop it.” You interrupted and he ignored you, something he usually never allowed himself to do.

“And the way your eyes are like traffic lights with how much you can say through them I know when you’re happy or when you’re sad and want space just by looking at you. I can’t just tell you you’re pretty without describing every single thing I love about you and if I start now I might never shut up.” When he finished he was out of breath, like you knowing all of this was suddenly more important than his brain getting oxygen. “Especially about your smile and those lips.”

What he said wasnt fixing you, it wasn't a missing piece you had suddenly found, like you were nothing without Remus, but it was still good, it was the reassurance that you needed for so long and it wasn't solely mending you and putting you back together but his words were like the thread and you yourself held the needle, sewing yourself back to one whole. It gave you the courage to change the entire tone of the conversation with one sentence, a more challenging one. “What about them?”

“Your lips specifically always look so soft even when you bite away at them I want to kiss them better and I’ve been watching you chew your lips while I’ve been talking and it’s rather distracting.” Remus instantly picked up on your change of direction, glad the conversation was still just as serious but not as heavy as before. You smiled so wide you could barely see his expression of waiting and patience so you continued to challenge him, push him and tease, a little unsure of where he would take it, if at all. “Then distract yourself Lupin.”

Maybe the confidence boost he had just given you helped spark those words but the love and actual spark from the kiss that ensued could lead to a lot more. The kiss was short lived but sweet, it tasted like you thought Remus would but felt like a question and confirmation all in one. When Remus pulled away he took a deep breath and you prepared yourself for what you assumed was inevitable, the i love you but. When Remus spoke it started with an apology so you prepared yourself for him to say exactly that but he didn't, not at all.

“I'm sorry, I can’t help but feel guilty for you feeling this way about yourself, even if it’s not directly my fault I sure as hell did not help you.”

“You didn't do anything wrong Remus. You were always there for me, even when I pushed you away.”

“I told Sirius to stop calling you hot and endlessly telling you empty pick up lines, I told James to stop calling you cute and acting in awe when you would put your hair up using your wand. I know we all kept you busy and out late with us that you missed out on the girl talks, sleepovers, and the support and compliments that you would have gotten from important girl friendships.”

You remained silent, thinking about what would be different if that stuff was a constant in your life, girl friends to confide in instead of the basic politeness you held with your roomates and the fact that the Marauders treated you exactly like on of the boys compared to when they acted like you were in fact a girl. Remus took your silence as a chance to keep explaining himself in endless apologetic rambles.

“I know how much you doubt your knowledge and your assignments, I should have know that self doubt would be just as bad about yourself and your looks. I should have noticed sooner. So even though I hate it I’ll tell Sirius he can say you look hot when you wear jeans even though I know he’s staring at your ass. I’ll ask James to compliment your messy buns because you’ve had your hair down for weeks to hide yourself away and I don’t want you to hide anymore.”

This didn’t magically make your self resentment go away, but the flood had gone down to mere puddles you could walk around, you would have to work on loving yourself and the maybe the boy in front of you as well, who was looking at you like a puppy dog begging to be loved. You were looking at a boy who just poured his heart out to you. And it would be so easy to get a cup and scoop up some of that love and emotion and take a sip and feel the love warm up your veins and fill your body, so you looked at him sweetly and smiled.

“Would you ever lie to me Rem?”

“I never lied, just withheld the truth out of fear.” He answered honestly.

“If I love you was a promise, would you break it if your honest?”

“No, i’ll tell you everyday and it will never become less true than the day before.”

“As happy as I am right in this moment I wish you didn't have to see that, I wish no one would, not even me. Only you know the way that I break.”

“That's okay, I’ll memorize exactly how to put you back together like my favourite puzzle that never tires me, and i'll never lose a peice.”

You felt a tear slip from your eye and hit your cheeks that were stuck out from your wide smile, a tear of happiness instead of pain and anger. “Then I guess I’m all yours solve.”

Tag List: @fortisfiliae @sjriusblck @theboywhocriedlupin @moonynprongs @starlitfawkes

239 notes · View notes

iamsonyeondone · 6 years

Text

plus one // kim doyoung

♥ florist! doyoung x wedding planner! reader

♥ fluff!

♥ 2.5k words

as much as your job required you to run multiple errands and search for whatever the bridezillas were so persistent to having

it was still something you had fun doing especially when you get clients who were unexpectedly easy-going

but even if they werent, you tried your best to look at the brightside

and maybe also confide in the multiple shop owners you had gotten to know through your job

irene, the owner of the boutique that you would always recommend to your clients, is always a sweetheart to you whenever she sees you drop by to check on the dresses

when i meant sweetheart, i meant the kind where she really takes care of you like a motherly figure

“are you sure you’ve gotten enough to eat? wendy stopped by with lunch and she brought some extra. have lunch with me?”

or “did you stain your dress shirt again? change into this one and i’ll take care of that stain,” as she casually whips out detergent and fabric softener from in between the dresses????

but you also have the bakery where you accidentally become the food critic for kun because he cant trust his nephew's friends because they’ll eat anything edible

especially jaemin who may or may not have sneaked behind the counter to make his own concoction of coffee because kun wouldnt’t let them in

but thats because the last time they went into the kitchen, they nearly burnt the building down

anYways, whenever you meet kun its always the usual “try this” “yn what do you think?” “is it a little too sweet?”

and you try your best to give whatever knowledge you have from cakes that your clients have ordered

and kun would have this big smile, thanking you before he rushes off to the kitchen again

aside from the two most loveliest people you’ve ever met on the job, theres was one other person who wasn’t as lovely

or at least not as welcoming

kim dongyoung, the florist you always order from but you just wished he would be a little less,,, sarcastic

it’s not like you hated him for being him

you just cant wrap your mind around the fact that nearly every sentence that comes out from his mouth would be sarcastic

like that one time you couldn’t pronounce peonies and pronounced them as ponies instead and he looked at you with That Look

as if you couldn’t pronounce cat or something

“this isn’t a stable yn. if you wanted to see horses, this isn’t the place you should be going to,”

and sometimes he gets on your nerves when you call out to him and he just ignores you because you’re just dropping by to check on the bouquet order

and he just goes like “did yall hear sumn?”

but one day, when you were absolutely exhausted from tending to a third-level bridezilla aka the second worst kind, and you had your last stop at the flower shop

you went in as per usual and asked if doyoung had already prepared the bouquet you asked him to prepare the day before

and doyoung scoffs, “you think?”

and it wasn’t even half as bad as he usually teased you

but you’re suddenly in tears and it most definitely caught doyoung off-guard

like he’s always seen you remain firm and strong no matter how annoying he gets most of the times

but to see you in shambles like this made him feel like the biggest douchebag on earth

instead of showing you the bouquet, he brings a tissue box from his desk and wipes your tears, repeating his apologies as much as he could

and as your sniffling and hiccuping from your breakdown, doyoung curses in his head

because he’s the biggest idiot, getting his heart shattered just by looking at your distress

“kun came by because he wasn’t on shift today and knew you would be coming later so he dropped off some bagels and coffee if you wanted. he said it was another experiment,”

while your throat still felt like a pit was stuck in it, you nodded your head slowly while doyoung fetched the paperbag and a cup from his desk

the two of you sat in silence while you nibbled on the bag, thinking to yourself to thank kun when you see him

and doyoung just sits on the opposite side, leaning back on his chair with his arms folded

and you feel like he’s burning a hole through your head with his eyes and couldnt help but take a few glances his way

and he’s just staring right at you

as if he was too far into dream land to notice you were looking back at him

the way his face looked a little solemn, which was unusual for you to see him in that state

that was until you remembered the little breakdown from earlier and your eyes shift away from his dark ones

you couldnt handle the silence any longer, fidgeting in your seat as you sipped your drink

“im...sorry for earlier. it was a rough day and-”

“i’m the one who was supposed to apologize, you don’t have to,” he cut you off, sighing as he combed through his hair with his fingers

“yeah but it must’ve been awkward seeing me be a crybaby,”

and doyoung bites his tongue from agreeing with you

“we all have our moments, im just glad you dont see mine,”

you gasp dramatically, placing a hand on your chest, an obvious attempt to lighten the mood

“kim dongyoung cries too,”

“ha ha very funny. I’m not a robot you know,” he rolled his eyes and somehow, seeing you with that growing smile on your face lifted a weight he didnt know had been on his shoulders

“anyways, i need to close up shop now so make sure you got all your things,” he waved his hand, dismissing you as he locked up the back room and packed his belongings

just as you slung your bag over your shoulder, a picture of him and kun as well as their friends were framed and put on his desk

and you weren’t sure how you weren’t able to spot such a striking photo full of a huge group of guys

but when you see doyoung smiling so brightly in the photo, you couldn’t help but smile as well

“if you’re done oggling my friends, you could maybe get out before you get locked in?” he raised a brow, leaving the door open as he waited for you to leave

as he locked the main doors, you couldnt help but imagine that big grin on his face

“why don’t you ever smile as often?” you questioned him out of the blue

“i dont see a need to.” he replied nonchalantly, walking off once the entrance was locked

“whatever floats your boat i guess. by the way...” you trailed off, stopping him in his tracks as he turned back to face you

“thank you, doyoung,” you smiled, waving him goodbye before rushing off to the other direction

for some reason, your cheeks felt like they had been lit on fire and the tightening feeling around your chest felt unfamiliar

and while you were too busy fussing over symptoms that would have been obvious to the public eye, doyoung watched your figure disappear while a smile grew on his face

with a small chuckle he turned the other way and huffed

“maybe smiling isnt that bad,” he mumbled under his breath, taking slower than usual in his walk back home

a week passes and said third-level bridezilla's wedding had finally arrived

and you've never felt more tired than you did in your entire college life

with barely 2 hours of sleep, you rushed around the venue with your clipboard in hand, checking things off your list once they were prepared

after the main hall had been done, it was finally your time to do your job as councellor for the bride but a tap on your shoulder stops you from rushing to the waiting room

"yn? cant believe you forgot something so important," doyoung smirks, pointing to a bouquet of fresh flowers in his other hand

you sigh, thanking him profusely as you took it carefully into your arms

your concealer wasnt doing a good job in hiding your dark circles, and the stray strands of hair that were sticking out from your once styled hair made you look unkempt

"is there anything else you need help with? im free for the rest of the day," doyoung asks without hesitation

remembering the mental breakdown you had that day was a good enough reason to ask you

"i dont- i dont think so but i need to go and see the bride before it starts and then check if the groom's ready and most importantly the rings and the ringbearers are probably with the groom too-"

"I'll check on the groom and the ringbearers, while you go tackle that monster in the waiting room," he chuckle

and you see this wide smile plastered on his face

and for a split second, your heart nearly jumps right out of your chest

but when the thought of the bride comes wrecking through, you thank him once again, running down the hallway with your clipboard close to your chest

while doyoung jogs off to find the groom, his heart racing for one reason only

as your calming the bride down with the second box of tissues, trying your best to maintain the makeup that the makeup artist had painstakingly done for 2 whole hours

doyoung was more than ready, already ensuring the groom’s outift as well as the ringbearer who was the groom’s adorable nephew

all that’s left was to wait for the event to begin

once the bride had calmed down and successfully did not wipe the hours of work on her face, you checked on the bridesmaids before heading off to the venue

just as you walked down the halls, you see doyoung walking ahead of you

as quietly as you could, you sneaked up behhind him, grabbing his shoulders and scaring him

yet doyoung didnt even make a sound

until you pouted and he couldnt resist letting out the most sarcastic yell paired with the most unamused expression

"sheesh, you could've just stopped at not reacting rather than give me the shittiest one you've ever given me," you huffed, brushing your stray strands of hair as the both of you walked side by side

"but it was entertaining seeing you fail, so it wasn't really a failure was it?" he teased

and yet the endearing gesture of his to brush the annoying strand of hair behind your ear is the only thing you can notice

"y-yeah whatever. besides, is everything ready on the groom’s side?” you questioned, avoiding his eyes

“he’s practically ready to say his vows right now. what about the bride? heard she had the sixth mental breakdown today,” he chuckled while you groaned, massaging your temples

“she started crying about her double chin because she’s been stress-eating the past week so the make-up artists had to contour her chin a little more,” your story made doyoung burst out laughing, and although it caught you by surprise, you laughed along, relishing in the rare moment

“let’s get this over and done with,” his smile still shining after his laughing fit

“we?” you raised a brow

“you really think you can handle this bridezilla alone?” he smirked

“let’s do this then,” with a final look and a loud thump of your heart, you and doyoung head over to the venue

everything went on smoother than you had planned - the bride only started crying after her vows, the cute nephew didnt trip over his own two chubby feet and everything was done just as it did during rehearsals

you couldnt control the relieved smile on your lips and doyoung might have not be able to control his eyes from watching you every once in a while, his smile mirroring yours

“now all that’s left is the reception in two hours. see you later then?” you asked doyoung while everyone else scattered out of the venue

“of course you will. before i go, wear something blue,” he flashed you another smile before rushing out of the doors

did he...ask you that for the two of you to match?

you shake your head from the clouds while your heart raced once more

doyoung really has a way of creeping into your heart

as the reception began and you were walking from one end to another to ensure everything was ready, you dont notice doyoung walking in with a navy blue suit, his hair swept back

because if you did, you would have stopped entirely and knocked into one of the waiters

which was something you nearly did if it werent for one of the bride’s sisters

“did i see what i think i saw, yn?” in a second, doyoung was now in front of you and that damn smirk of his on display

“shut up, you didnt see anything. and anyways, why did you ask me to wear blue anyway? i had to ask irene to borrow me one,” you sighed, brushing off imaginary dust off of your outift to distract you from how good-looking doyoung had become

not like he wasnt good-looking in the first place

“to match with me obviously, i can’t come here uninvited so i guess i’m you’re plus one for now,” he shrugged when in reality, its making it hard for him to breathe and difficult for him to not only focus on you

“i completely forgot-”

“yn! thank you for helping my sister with her wedding- oh is this your boyfriend? is he the one in charge of the bouquet?” the sister’s bride grins wide while the two of you exchanged anxious looks

“y-yeah, he’s the one who arranged the bouquet. how is the outfit change going?” you mustered up a sweet smile to cover your raging heart as you linked arms with doyoung, nudging him to play along

“oh everything’s fine, dont worry about it. by the way, if you guys ever plan on tying the knot, dont fret to call me, i will gladly lend a helping hand,” but before she could go on about marriage, she was pulled to the side by her cousin, leaving you and doyoung

“to make this easier, why dont i just be your actual plus one?” doyoung shrugged, sneaking his fingers to intertwine with yours instead, making you freeze on the spot

“what?” you nearly snap your head from turning to look at him

“did i stutter?” he squeezes your hand, a small smile adorning his face

“wait, the feelings are mutual?-” you stutter, still wide-eyed from his sudden confession

“oh god you’re such an idiot, but i guess you’re my idiot now,” he let out a tired chuckle, holding you by the waist and pressing a gentle kiss to your temple

kim dongyoung was actually a lovely florist

he just had no idea how to handle ‘feelings’

a/n: its been so long since i wrote that im having so much trouble making sense of my words but i hope you guys like it!!

#kpop #imagine #scenario #writing #fanfic #fanfiction #x reader #reader #reader insert #bulletpoint scenario #nct #nct 2018 #nct u #nct 127 #kim dongyoung #kim doyoung #doyoung

37 notes · View notes

citrontartellete · 5 years

Text

Heyy, so this is a holidays fic. Is a nice soulmate AU after some tarot reading. It will be in two parts. I sincerely hope you like it.

Written in the Stars - 1/2

‘And now guys I’ve brought Madam Laney to read our fortune for 2019 based on our star-signs !! Isn’t that amazing?’ Marlene announced a little too excited for Remus’ liking and he thought she had a bit too much already and that wasn’t really necessary for the small firm Christmas party. A fortune teller. Seriously ? Remus did not believed in those things, he did once and he ended up with his heart broken and feeling empty on his insides, as if a bunch of printed cardboard paper could actually tell for who are you going to fall in love with, when and how, Remus told himself. a little after that, he started a small debate with himself because, he did believed in God, spirits, destiny and love coming from another lives but, he never thought it would happen to him and when it happened and he put all his heart on it, he was left with a shattered heart and too many scars Remus swore that he didn’t believed in love anymore or this kind of shit. Because honestly! so he listened to everyone around him get their predictions and giggled with his wine glass on his hand.

‘And now for Pisces..’ Madam Laney said ‘Hm, for love I see...Someone that is dark. With a dark past and such emotional baggage’ she said examining a card ‘Someone that is cladded in dark clothes and in name. Someone that is fun and nice but so very dark....’ The woman frowned her eyes squeezing behind her big glasses a worried expression on her face ‘...Someone that feels as broken and lonely...’ then the woman giggled and Remus just frowned, he didn’t know why exactly but his hands were sweating and his heart beating increasing more and more, a prickly sensation on his stomach that could be only as nervousness and anxiety ‘I see wealthy, cursed wealthy but money is always good isn’t it ?’ Then he arched his brow. Wealthy. ‘The stars are always with you, for what I’m seeing and you will meet on a unexpected way but when you do, everything will make sense. Perfect sense’

Nonsense. Remus thought to himself on his way back home sitting comfortably in a cab’s backseat, his satchel bag at his side, his hands gently smoothing his trench coat fabric, licking his lips gently and a million thoughts swimming on his mind. Was it actually possible for him ? To be happy with someone after all ? He really wanted to believe it, is just so much bad things happened to him already in this love life thing. Isn’t like someone is going to fall out of the sky just for him, he laughed bitterly, of course not. Oh God, he is an almost 30 year old man believing in cardboard cards. But he still hoped for it and he could not help himself from thinking that maybe Lyall was right:

‘Remus son, you consume so many romances that you will end up creating a illusion of a non existing thing. This kind of love, you are hoping for, written in the stars is only for books and movies, my boy’

He had spent so much time reading and watching romances, not the too sugary ones tho, that he end up like this. He confused fiction and reality once and wasn’t going to allow a mad woman words’ to make these silly ideas come up to him again.

Finally he arrived his house, a small flat near central London. He was waiting for the lift when a man stopped at his side, his arms full of shop bags and a creamy strawberry cake, despite the dark clothes he was a wearing a santa hat and a fake pine garland around his neck as an scarf. Remus snorted.

‘I know what are you thinking....’ the man said not meeting his eyes yet.

‘Oh... I didn’t know you were a wizard’ Remus said looking up to check on which floor the lift were in. 7 floor. Funnily enough his hands started to sweat with that prickly sensation on his palms.

‘Well, you caught me !!!’ the stranger answered and laughed. Something inside Remus shook, from that moment and on he knew, he knew he couldn’t be able to stay away from that laughter ‘Is just, I just moved for this building and today was the place I work in party, you see I work with my best friend and his wife just pushed all these in my hands’

‘The strawberry cake included?’ Remus asked glancing at him.

‘The strawberry cake included. Would you mind helping me with these, please?’

‘Not at all’

Remus adjusted his bag on his shoulder and moved to face the stranger in santa hat and fake garland scarf. When he finally faced the man, his jaw dropped, the stranger was the most beautiful person Remus ever seen in his life. A little shorter than him, medium black hair, an angelic face and high cheekbones, he could be a noble for all Remus knew and his eyes.

When their eyes met, Remus felt himself go weak on the knees, the butterflies on his stomach were like crazy and somewhere deep inside him made a ‘click’ sound, like some sort of flame had been lit inside him. The man stretched his hand to pass him the cake and their fingertips brushed against each other. The man jumped with the act and Remus wasn’t able to hold the cake. Too startled by the electric waves provoked by this simple touch. The cake shattered on the floor but, both couldn’t bother about it.

‘Tell me you felt it too...’ the man asked him half shock and half despair in his voice.

‘I’m sorry for the cake, I didn’t meant to not hold it...’ Remus babbled, he was sure his mind made up all these ‘...I... I....’ Remus said and tried to calm himself. What was happening to him here ? ‘I will repay you...I swear’ he said in a rush and fled to the stairs. He heart beating like crazy. Leaving the stranger behind screaming at him to wait and what his name is. He locked himself up on his flat and threw himself on the couch. That could not be real.

#wolfstar #au #soulmate #tarot #remus x sirius #remus lupin #sirius black #soulmate au

10 notes · View notes

irregulardiaryposts · 3 years

Text

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like ->#june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

0 notes

outpostzeta · 6 years

Photo

[Day 7: Wedding]

Commander T'Sala

<Federation News Network Special report> With an anniversary of the “Emerald Wedding”, as it’s come to be known, just ticking past it's fifth year, VIM sympathizers continue to struggle to gain favor in elections. Some are asking if he movement will ever truly recover, asking 'How could have this demonstration truly have been putting Vulcan first when so many Vulcans were killed in the slaughter.'" T'Sala stands paused in the bar, eyes on the screen as her own image is flashed across it along with others who were harmed or lost.

Captain S'uvok

S'uvok steps into the lounge as the tail end of the report's introduction can be heard. He doesn't seem to react when he walks inside, moving to the final remaining Mark I replicator, dialing an order for tea

Commander Gillaine

Gillaine, off duty, is enjoying a glass of lager. Her eyes shift to the TV monitor, watching as the talking head begins recounting the events of the VIM's uprising. "Absurdities breed atrocities." She says in reply to the TV talking head.

Ens. Juvelyn Dex-

Juvii has a rather... rambunctious kitten in her lap as she drinks a milkshake by herself in a corner.

Commander T'Sala

<Continues> "House Lir was often accused of being sympathizers. Their silence until that point was taken as support from the extremist groups who had a long history with other conservative groups of backing the ancient Great House. It wasnt until the movement brought a series of deaths upon Vulcan that the House spoke out against it. Not three months later did the slaughter on Mount Saleya occur which was organized by a even further extremist faction called the NVO, or New Vulcan Order...."April 8, 2018

Captain S'uvok

The measured, calculated words filter in to S'uvok's auditory perception, perhaps in spite of a willful effort to ignore it. The door to the Mk I slides open, and the Vulcan retrieves a mug of tea, Vulcan spiced, a blend from the central equatorial region, prepared in the style prevalent in the province of ShiKhar. As he held the mug in his left hand as he moved to a tale to sit, he looked to the knuckles on his right hand, scars remaining from when they split on the armor worn by the butcher Skove

Commander T'Sala

T'Sala moves over to S'uvok's table and slides over him, eyes also falling upon the scar, then raising up to the man himself.

Commander Gillaine

Gillaine, having grown sick of the ongoing media report, ventured over to where Chip was standing. "Never a rosy picture these days?" She asks, mostly a rhetorical before making her way to the counselor's tables. "Counselor, may I join you?"

Ens. Juvelyn Dex

Juvii smiled sweetly and nodded pulling Hephaestus from clawing up her shoulder. "Of course Commander." She took another sip of her milkshake

Commander T'Sala

<Further> Many accused Lir of waiting far too long to firmly shatter the perception of silent support of the movement, asking why it took such death to insire the House's now intense hunt for sympathizers within the government, working closely and backing Minister of Internal Affairs. A middle aged Vulcan stands on the screen, shoulders square and flanked by the current Minister of Defense. "Throughout history, the Isolationists have taken a concern for our safety from those who do not understand, and turned it into hatred that would only honor our fallen ways. The VIM issue is not only a problem for Vulcan, but they made it into a Federation one when they attacked my daughter’s wedding and it's attendees. My brother and I continue to work tirelessly to defend Vulcan from such threats. These attacks upon our own kind, and upon our Federation allies will not stand. The line was drawn five years ago, and we have not nor ever yield to them. These terrorists will not decimate Vulcan. That is left to the will of the people and the people of Vulcan have said 'No More'......"

Commander Gillaine

The older woman nods in thanks, then settles into the chair. She takes a small pull of the dark amber drink, then rests it on the table. Her gaze fixes to the little kitty clawing up the Orion's shoulder. "He's living up to his namesake. Hephaestus, I think you called him?"

Ens. Juvelyn Dex-

Juvii nodded at the little ash grey tuft of fur that as now trying to bat her little green finger tips. "I believe so. I was unsure he would make it for a while. He is sort of a runt." She wiggled her fingers and winced as he clawed and bit down on it.

Captain S'uvok

S'uvok tunes out once more as the Patriarch of House Lir takes the screen, and the Captain sips from his mug of tea. He looks to T'Sala with a nod of greeting, lowering the cup "Greetings, T'Sala."

Commander T'Sala (Laura)

T'Sala seems to have trouble tuning her father out, but does turn her attention to the Captain. "Greetings, Captain. Are you well today?"

Commander Gillaine

"It's my understanding that runts of the litter are often survivors?" She takes another small sip of her beer. She then looks to her, "You did well today, with the colony. You, Chip, the three doctors."

Captain S'uvok

"I am in an... acceptable state, Commander." He replies to T'Sala, as he sips his tea thoughtfully before nodding to the empty seat across from him "Do you wish to join me?"

Ens. Juvelyn Dex

Juvii dips her head and smiles. "I'm glad I could contribute."

Commander T'Sala

She slides down across from him and watching him quietly. "Only acceptable?" she asks in a low tone

Captain S'uvok

"Simply distracted , momentarily. The state is transitory only." S'uvok says in an easy dismissal with a single nod "You need not be concerned."

Commander T'Sala

"Do not permit Father to concern you either." she nods, glancing back at the screen. "It is times like these when I observe the veritable nature that is perception of time. In aspects, that feels as though it were last year.... in others, it feels a decade ago."

Commander Gillaine

Gillaine offers a plain smile, first to Chip, and then to the counselor seated nearby. She then replies to Dex, "Simply, it was refreshing to visit a world where someone was not trying to do us harm. Moreover, the colonists we aided directly seemed to appreciate our efforts. not really something you see with the Cardassians,"

Captain S'uvok

"He does not." S'uvok replies simply before sipping from his tea, savoring the familiar flavor "I find it fascinating to find the number and scale of events that the events on Mt. Seleya book-ended. A precursor for years of conflict and struggle to come."

Ens. Juvelyn Dex

Juvii tilted her head some. "I tend to favor a more... um.. humanistic belief of people in general commander. Everyone is capable of good. Their efforts, what they want are inherently good." She swallowed another gulp of her milkshake

Commander T'Sala

T'Sala takes a slow breath. "Salak's death was the start of that for me from a personal level.... however.... in terms of our careers... yes. Indeed. In the end, I am almost grateful to Telik for this infidelity. It lead me to you."

Captain S'uvok (

"Your sentiment is well received, though the memories of that time are... difficult." S'uvok's words had momentary hesitation, before his expression softened slightly and offered T'Sala a small nod

Commander Gillaine

"A view I have been contemplating frequently lately." She takes another sip of her lager, "I suppose I can appreciate why peace might be frightening for some, namely the Cardassians. Honest peace is often in the company of profound change."

Commander T'Sala

"He would be proud of you, S'uvok." T'Sala assures him. "He gave his life to help rescue us and no parent would hesitate to go any other way. These dates which pass are difficult, but you are not alone through them. Never forget that, Adun." Her two fingers brush over the scars upon his hand. "I am with thee."(edited)

Ens. Juvelyn Dex

"Change is the only thing that is permanent." Juvii noted quietly as she winced as Heph clawed into her chest

Captain S'uvok

The past has presented a series of challenges and sacrifices, admittedly. But in light of all of that loss, through Surak, and logic, I maintain balance." S'uvok takes a single, deep, cleansing breath

Commander Gillaine

The older woman looks reflective for a moment. She bites her lip some and shifts her gaze to the carpet below. She then responds, "To everything there is a season, as was said by some wise figures long ago?"

Commander T'Sala

"You have come a long way these past few years." T'Sala observes. "My hope is that you are proud of yourself as well." she glances at the screen then back to him. "You are more calm and balanced than ever before. I know that I am proud of you."

Captain S'uvok

"I leave the pride for others. I have seen enough in my career to know that the challenges only manage to go greater and greater. I leave pridefulness to a younger man." He inclines his head to her in a momentary show of appreciation

Commander T'Sala

"It is my duty after all." she brushes the back of his hand with her fingers. "Someone must do it. I find it appropriately agreeable, however." T'Sala perks a cool brow. "Even when you -are- being prideful."

Captain S'uvok

"I thank you for the complimentary disposition, T'Sala. It is appreciated." He looks to the small contact she offered.

Ens. Juvelyn Dex

"I think that was a song too, Commander." She smiled. "I happen to like that one."(edited)

Commander Gillaine

Gillaine nods, "Perhaps I will play it for the next music night." She finishes her lager, "For now, though, I think should retire. Though, I believe I am due for a counseling session in the near future."

Ens. Juvelyn Dex

"Oh I'd like that. " Juvii smiled. "Please let me know when it is so I can attend." She scooped up Heph. "as for the session, just any time you have a moment I'm sure we can squeeze you in."

Commander Gillaine

She nods, "I will let you know." She then returns her empty glass to the counter and exits the replimat.

Ens. Juvelyn Dex

Juvii, similarly brought her glass to the bar, still partially filled with shake. "Sure...." She dipped her head and took her kitten to bed . " Good evening, Commander."

Commander T'Sala

"Of course, Captain. Perhaps a bit more in ----" she pauses and takes a breath, waveing the matter aside, seeing his face. "You are tired."

Captain S'uvok

"I'm afraid my time available for leisure, and rest are both in short supply, T'Sala. I should retire for the evening, Alpha shift is in less than five hours." He looked to her, letting his eyes meet momentarily, before standing and nodding his head in farewell, before turning to depart

Commander T'Sala

T'Sala watches the Captain depart and takes a cleansing breath, the news special wrapping up. <NEWS> "... while it does appear that House Lir has recovered from the political fallout, no one is certain if the VIM ever will." With that she stands and departs.

#vulcan #VIM #star trek online #captain #commander #30 day challenge #day seven #wedding #red wedding #emerald wedding #vulcan isolationist movement #rp #outpost zeta #sto #sto rp #kitten #love

1 note · View note

anatomiedunfantome · 7 years

Text

Balance

What is balance? is it being able to juggle a job, 2 children with 2 different schedules, bills, car maintenance, a love life and self care all at once? because if so i may be on the heavier side of the scale. I looked at my mothers facebook today. I saw blurry selfies, an old picture of what used to be my family, meaning my children and their stepbrother, some more blurry photos of my sisters and lots and lots of Jesus propaganda. From this fb profile you would never guess what this woman was capable of. From this face book profile you see a god fearing woman who is grateful for her children, for her grand children and for life itself.

From this facebook profile i see a facade. i see a sick woman who has found the most appropriate platform to rebuild herself and present herself as she wishes to be seen. Pretty, warm, great color contrast and the right details will make any living room the family tv sitcom we see on a television. My home, my clothes, my hair had just that. Very well taken care of on the outside, but on the inside, cold, scared, lifeless. At 8 years old i found myself waiting. Always waiting. Would she come out of her room today? would she feed me today? if i knocked would i receive a response? if i broke in through the sliding door would i find her again naked with one of my abusers? or would a glass cup come hurdling towards my skull. id rather wait then to find out. My days would be spent flipping back and forth through television stations, disney channel, cartoon network, nickelodeon, mtv if i was feeling edgy. If i was hungry id rummage through the fridge and see what i could find but mostly survived off snack packs, untoasted bread with butter, and hardly boiled eggs. I loved playing with my barbie dolls, creating dramatic worlds like id seen on tv. id always have one doll be the victim, and thered always be a boy to understand, to save her if you will, from her own thoughts, from her abuse. Sometimes id get really bored and start looking through drawers, cabinets, closets, bags anything really. id read everything i could, books, labels, cd covers. My mom hadnt caught me at this point and id discovered some old vhs tapes with the title scratched off. It was maurice sendaks’ most loved stories in cartoon form sung by carole king. this vhs, and his stories to this day are extremely soothing to me. Among one of my explorations i found a Linkin Park CD and a cd player. Definitley was going through my brothers things. I ran to my room and i remember being afraid to play it. i was afraid that it would be the scariest thing i ever heard, demons or people screaming and dying. i cant tell you why i felt that way but thats what i felt. when i finally mustered up the courage to listen i couldnt believe it. i couldnt believe that someone else in this entire world had felt what i felt. alone, scared, sad, angry. He had so much to say and every word correlated with how i felt about my mother. i would listen to “hybrid theory” over and over on repeat, mouthing the words in my room, imagining i was screaming them at her face. I would find myself crying out for my father, for my brother, for God. Wondering what i had done to deserve what i had been dealt. I wondered why, if i had been so well behaved, she still hated me. i wondered why and how my brother could leave me alone with her. Or where my father was. and if he had loved me so much why hadnt he taken me with him. why did everyone leave me alone with this person who so obviously couldnt stand me. Every now and then shed come out of her room and id smell food and id hear Brenton Wood singing, and i would crawl into the hall to peak out and see if it was real. If she was there. Her response was never the same. Sometimes warm, sometimes shed pretend she was on a cooking show like Ina Garten or Paula deen, and begin to tell me how to make what she was making. Other times, shed spot me and id receive threats.” That room better be clean or im gonna kick your ass!” “Hija de su chingada madre, you came in here and ate all the fucking bread and the butter” “how have you been walking around this house and not cleaned anything up you son of a bitch”. SOmetimes shed be on cleaning binges and i was forced to help, and recieve beatings with the remote (her favorite) a sandal or whatever was near for something as small as scuffed shoes or trash under my bed. No matter the reaction i received i always remained quiet Shed still have her parties and id still have uninvited guests in my room. Or her guests would sit and bounce me on their lap even tho i was much too old for it, nobody ever stopped them. nobody ever said it was inappropriate. My mother had a boyfriend, George. George had come and gone from life quite a bit and he was my favorite of all her boyfriends. I loved him. he spoke mainly spanish and he would listen to me ramble and watch me play. hed buy me taco bell and take me for walks. At one point i expressed to my mother that i loved him and i wanted him to be my father. Her expression was startled. As a grown woman i could tell you that George wasnt smart. he was very air headed and a drunk.He was raised in cartel country mexico. the last time i spoke to him i was 16 and he revealed to me that my mother had accused him of being in my bed with me. My life was shattered that night. i had never turned around. i would never look to see who it was. it became so normal to me that sometimes id sleep through and think they were dreams. George had abused me too. My mom had married this man and she became pregnant with my sister. At some point during this time my brother was released and i remember them speaking in hushed tones about him staying at our house due to confrontations between him and his father. When my brother came back i was so desperate to be loved and accepted by him. id shown him the cd i found, id shown him the clothes i was wearing that were his, and i could feel the distance. I honestly had wanted things to go back to “normal”, abuse included. Soon enough the abuse did come back tho not as strong, more lap bouncing, once even in front of my mother for a substantial period of time. My mother was pregnant and emotional and maybe she just wanted her family together as a whole, no matter how torn up we were inside. We had many adventures with my brother. He was a funny guy, probably still is. very silly and has a beautiful smile.Hed say the most clever things and have us holding our sides from laughing so hard. Somewhere along this pregnancy my mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i remember the adults discussing it and my brother attempting to explain it to me tho i cant recall what he said other than shes sick. Soon after there was an argument and my brother was screaming and my mother was screaming and things were being thrown and george was just watching. I remember my brother screaming “ I FUCKING HATE YOU” and walking out of the house. My mom would take me on endless searches for my brother, calling his friends, his ex girlfriends, driving to each friends home and making me get off the car and beg my abuser to come back and see that she was a good person. she would prompt me on exactly what to say before exiting the car just like she had done in mexico each time i visited my father. but thats another story for another post. When we would find my brother he would come out, with tears in his eyes and his teeth clenched. he would tell me he loved me and ask my mother what she wanted as calmly as possible. she would cry and babble not really knowing what to say i assume. and he would leave he would never come back with us. I would go home to more hatred more of her screaming at me and at george. her drinking became violent, shed push and instigate physical confrontations “hit me puto” she would say “fucking hit me”. i was always used as a tool for her “this is what you want fucker, for my baby to see this! he raped me!” she would scream “he raped me!” and george would always try to calm her down. ive only seen him give in to her violence once or twice, hiting her and then crying. She probably had his simple mind so emotionally fucked just like she had mine and my brothers. These fights happened often and continued to happen often through out my childhood. I hated seeing her like that and i never knew who to defend. What is balance? i know lows, i know the lowest of lows. and i know highs. Highs are much more brief, but in between, what is that?

#balance #abuse #motherdaughter #alone #depression #relatable #young adult #perspective

0 notes

viralhottopics · 7 years

Text

‘Feud’ star says President Trump has created ‘great unity amongst women’

Alison Wright as Pauline Jameson, a fictional 'Feud' character who is all too real.

Image: Kurt Iswarienko/FX

Shes the one Feud: Bette and Joan character whos largely fictitious but what she represents is truthful today as it was in the 1960s.

Pauline Jameson the capable assistant to What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? director Robert Aldrich who harbors ambitions to become a screenwriter and filmmaker herself is not to be confused with a British actress whose career was in full flourish around the same time as the series was set: they share only a name.

But as actress Alison Wright (The Americans, Sneaky Pete) reveals to Mashable, the character a composite of many smart, creative women working in Hollywood at the time represents an untold number of ladies hoping to shatter its many glass ceilings. Pauline herself may not be real, but the creative struggles depicted in her story were and in many ways still are as genuine as it gets.

Aside from what was on the page for you with this character, what did you need to know about her about women in similar positions as her, from that time period to wrap your head around what you wanted to do with your performance?

Wright: I had the good fortunate of Pauline being a composite character. Obviously, Ryan had a couple of guiding lines that he wanted her to be: book smart and cool as a cucumber was the character description. And that he wanted her to have a little feel of Eve Arden, and the ladies of that era and that sort of quirky personality.

So what I did was I started researching Bob Aldrich. We came up with the idea that Pauline had worked with Bob for quite a few years, and that she had worked on the previous project that he had done with Joan Crawford, Autumn Leaves. I came across a really great quote that Bob mentioned, a story that he was interested in telling, and the kind of characters that he was drawn to were characters that prevailed: characters that were struggling against the odds for their self-determination, for what they wanted their life to be. But no matter what the prevailing odds were, they didnt really concern themselves with those odds or focus on them, they just fought through and fought against them.

SEE ALSO: ‘Feud’ star Jessica Lange on the ways Hollywood is still failing women

I thought that was a really great personality trait that would make sense for me to build Pauline around that. I obviously watched all of Joan and Bettes films, the ones that I hadnt seen yet. I read a couple of books about Bob Aldrich. I watched a ton of movies from a little bit earlier than that time, movies from more like the ’40s and ’50s, just because thats a time period that I really like, and something that I could take the opportunity to tip my hat to in my creation of Pauline, since I did have a little leeway.

That was probably where I started from and what my basis was for it. In terms of being a woman, I know how that goes.

Once you solidified your vision for her, what did she begin to mean to you as an individual character, and as a function in this bigger story thats being told?

I like the idea that its 1952 and she was somebody that had a broader scope for the picture of what she wanted her life to be than just being a mother and a wife. I like that shed somehow gotten the gumption in that time period to have those aspirations and dreams, and not really be bogged down with the difficulty of achieving them or how impossible it might seem or how the odds were all stacked against her. That is just what she wanted to do, and that she was going to try and do it.

Shes not in the victim corner, but she was quite proactive and had her head screwed on and sensible, and not living in a dream world. I think its very valuable for women to see characters like that on the screen reflected back at them. So I was very proud of that.

Jessica Lange as Joan Crawford, Alison Wright as Pauline Jameson.

Image: Suzanne Tenner/FX

Of course, the election actually happened right in the middle of shooting episode 4. Literally, the day before the election happened was the time I was shooting a scene with Fred Molina as Bob Aldrich, and I was asking him, Would he read it? Would he read my script? Would he even consider producing it? He said that he would, and kind of laughed and joked a little bit at me. He said, Why are you so surprised that Im going to help you? Shes very able and competent. I had some sort of line like, Well, some men just dont like the idea of a woman in charge.

There was a certain sense of irony in the place in the storytelling, and the time in history that this was set, that I imagined once this was shot and people were watching it, that there would be a little bit of a tongue-in-cheek look back to how things were for women 50, 60 years ago.

Then of course, it turns out that its resonating on a much deeper level, because things are really just exactly the same and really havent changed that much. So it is very timely and important and had something to say. Its great as an artist when you get to be part of something thats more than entertainment.

Is was poignant to see these female characters from all different levels of Hollywood, from Mamacita to Pauline on up to a star of Joan Crawfords caliber, having to conspire together to achieve their dreams and ambitions. Has it changed significantly in your experience in Hollywood? Or is there still sort of a sisterhood alliance thats needed to push things forward?

I think its still needed, and I think we still need to cultivate it more and work on it more. I do think that given the current situation that were now in, women are empowering each other more, and trying to lift each other up more, because a divide and conquer will do just that. Theres not just room for one woman. Theres enough of the pie for everybody. Even for actresses.

When we get that through our head that were not all competing for this one top spot, theres just not just one of these places, there is enough for everybody. Then if we can understand that more, and band together, and lift each other up to support each other more, everybody wins.

SEE ALSO: Meet the woman behind ‘Feud’s’ most fascinating character

I think its something that feels like its a movement thats happening now, in no small part thanks to the person that is the president now. I feel like weve had this great unity amongst women at the moment, in every walk of life. I hope it continues. We need more of it. We need more women to try and shake things up and make room for other women.

Were discriminated against as women for so many different things, in just the casual sexism and misogyny that we accept. Things like Throwing like a girl, all these expressions that we have. If we could all just take a second to actually point a finger at those things, and hold the mirror up, maybe they will change. I feel like were really at a moment in my lifetime where that stuff is very tangible, and hopefully pushing forward in changing things Im sure they said the same thing 40 years ago.

You clearly leaned into your research. What were the great takeaways of studying all those classic era films?

Theres no negative takeaway at all. Its fabulous entertainment. I dont know how many times I watched The Women, the original one the excellent one, not the dreadful remake. The one from 1939, I watched that over and over, just to get an idea. Even if it wasnt for Pauline, just the kind of women that Pauline would have to have been used to being around. Its very specific that she could hold her own against anybody, but she wasnt a wallflower. Shes got her own wit, and cheekiness about her.

I read a lot of their biographies too, I saw all of their interviews. I tried to read anything about any women that worked in the studio system and what it was like to have to shuttle between departments to try and work your way up. I read about what life was like in Hollywood in the ’20s, ’30s and ’40s.

Pauline obviously came from somewhere else. Shes not from Hollywood. And obviously Im foreigner, and I live in England. I got to read all about the development of California and Los Angeles, and the business itself as well. Theres no downside to any of that. Thats part of being an actor: the random pockets of knowledge that you get from all the stuff.

It came in really handy when Im doing it, because one day I was with Sarah Paulson and shooting her scene when shes Geraldine Page. She has a phone call with Joan Jessica couldnt be there she was away, so they asked me to step in and be Joan Crawford off camera for Sarah Paulson. So I got to do that, and luckily Ive been watching Joans movies nonstop. So I got to have fun, and sit on a toilet around the corner in the dark and do my best Joan Crawford impression to the bathroom walls all day long. So that was a really awesome moment too. Id like to think I was pretty good, but who knows?

Since Pauline is a composite character, if you could write her ending, what would you love to see happen for her in her ambitious Hollywood career?

As luck would have it, I by no means claim that I got to decide on anything about her, but since she was a composite character, there was a little discussion about what her story may end up being. Tim Minear had a few options, and we talked through them. We had the luxury of deciding what was going to be the most exciting for the end of her storyline.

I had my input, and they took it on board. They chose the ending that I wanted the most, Im sure because they wanted it the most too. But I did happen to have a little luxury to actually do that in this case, which is wild. So of course I want to be a great example for women, and of course wanted her to succeed, and not fail, and not be beaten.

Feud airs Sundays at 10 p.m. on FX.

WATCH: Viola Davis makes Emmys history, dedicates incredible speech to women of color