#their developing physical relationship would be tied to everything else they do together!

[graciereadshannigram]

re: sex, power, and hannigram (the bees in my head have struck again)

y'all know the quote, everything in the world is about sex, except sex – sex is about power? Will, someone who has been consistently denied agency and power in his life especially by Hannibal, and Hannibal, a man who has kept himself under such strict control around other people, despite desperately craving true connection to another person – sex would be a natural extension and exploration of these pre-existing dynamics. 

Will and Hannibal’s entire relationship is based on their emotional and intellectual connection as they play this cat and mouse game where the power dynamics are fluid and unstable! the mental arousal they provide one another is an integral part of their connection. and that’s what attracts and excites them! and you know what increased psychological arousal leads to (or at the very least, enhances)? physical arousal!! 

which brings me to my next point: we know that Will is mentally aroused by the prospect of both saving and taking lives (s/o to our boy Chilton, man was a rat, but he was right!) because doing bad things to bad people feels good. 

so when Will finally Becomes by killing the dragon with Hannibal and they start exploring how they kill together, of course bloodlust and regular old lust are going to start blurring. not because either of them are sexual sadists who get off on the act of murdering someone, but instead on the power they each hold over death, the thrill of being truly seen and accepted by the other. 

not to mention the fact that sex provides an outlet for some of their more destructive urges, as well as a way to rebuild trust and psychological safety, two things they haven’t really had much of?? which is not to say that i believe everything they’d do would be safe, sane, or consensual, but i do think they’d be providing each other with what they each authentically need to move forward with one another. 

basically, i'm trying to say Hannibal tried his own brand of therapy on Will and look where it got them. i think the next logical progression would be sex as therapy and therapy as sex.

[clambrulee]

Ok but one of the things that people miss is that Rika is basically the reincarnation of Hanyuu's actual daughter. And that makes her a bit more nuanced than what some people take away from her character. It's always "Hanyuu is selfish and only kept Rika in the loops because she was lonely." I know it's outright stated at some point. But I feel like that's a very surface-level take, if you can't get anything else from their relationship.

Of course she'll be sad when Rika's gone. They've been physically and emotionally connected since she was a baby. She basically raised her. She knows her better than her real parents. They're literally inseparable. Not to mention, Rika is the spitting image of her real daughter. It's literally her chance to start over as a mother, without the guilt of the burden she placed on Ouka.

And although Hanyuu loves Rika, it's only natural that after being together for so long, she would be terrified of going back to being a single entity. Their existences have been intertwined for so long that the thought of being apart-of being independent- is terrifying.

And I'd go so far as to say that Rika feels the same. Hanyuu does get on her nerves, but she's relied on her for so long that the thought of losing her isn't even something that crosses her mind. Because Hanyuu has always been there. She'll always be there. Hanyuu is the only person who understands her grief on a personal level. She's the only person she's shared her pain with for all those years.

Rika is Hanyuu's daughter. Hanyuu took on the burden of raising a child who wasn't her own and in doing so ended up in the position of a mother who would do anything to ensure her daughter lives a happy life. Especially after she loses the ability to send Rika back far enough to even attempt to save her parents. At that point it isn't just a desire to protect Rika, but a responsibility. The responsibility she must bear for selfishly touching the world of man and choosing to adopt a child who wasn't hers to begin with.

Sure, she places the burden of having to live through endless suffering on Rika. But at the end of the day she only wants Rika to live. She wants to see her reach her happy ending. Being lonely is just an excuse, so she doesn't have to divulge into the deep-rooted guilt she associates with her powers. Her powers are what got Rika into this mess. They're the reason Rika will never eat dinner with her family again. The reason Rika began to reject her real mother and sabotage any semblance of a good relationship she had with her. And even if Hanyuu isn't the direct cause for that, she probably still blames herself for it, as someone who meant to keep Rika safe.

She can't let Rika go until she knows for sure that she'll be fine without her. Even if she doesn't really believe it will ever happen. She needs an excuse to hold on. Because the thought of letting Rika die for real without doing everything she can to prevent it is too much to bear. Maybe Rika resents her for it. But Hanyuu is fine with that. So long as her daughter survives.

One thing I can't wrap my head around is that, if Hanyuu really truly didn't want Rika to be free, then why did she decide to put her feelings aside and fight with her in the final hour anyway? Why did she decide they'd succeed and attain happiness together when she could have easily kept Rika trapped forever and prevented her from ever accessing the final fragment? And then she leaves after Saikoroshi/Sotsu/Meguri anyway once she believes it's time for Rika to be independent. She lets go willingly despite the uncertainty, because she thinks that's what's best for Rika's development and she wants her to be able to move forward and live the normal life that was robbed from her so long. So sorry. but I can't see Hanyuu as just some irredeemable bitch who only wants Rika to suffer.

I get making the Umineko connections with Featherine and trying to come up with an explanation for how everything ties together between the connected universes is fun but this one just doesn't sit right with me.

[levaagrace]

The thing about JMart isn't that I think it's toxic or poorly written or came out of nowhere or any of that. Cause I don't. At all. When I take a break from drinking haterade, I do agree with a good few points people make regarding their relationship in season five. I don't want to, but I can give Martin little a grace. As a treat. When people aren't acting like he's morally in the right for every action he takes.

Because, though I think there is some veracity to not attributing malice in Martin's actions, the actions he does take DO show disregard for Jon's... everything. Because, though I do agree that they both take steps to purposefully not fall into the same habits, Martin adamantly refuses to believe Jon is trying. At all. And why do I think that? Why do I, in my heart of hearts, think there's no way for either of them to get any better when it comes to moving forward in their relationship?

Martin flat out tells Jon that he believes, in a world without the horrors they face, that they wouldn't even be able to stand each other. That Jon's best-case-scenario, the scenario that he's tied up all his hope into, the very idea that they could've been doing normal things as normal humans instead of whatever they became, was so far-fetched as to be something Martin had to bring him down from.

"No, Jon, we're both too unlovable on a fundamental level and wouldn't even find each other worth speaking to in any other world."

That's, essentially, what I hear when I think of that scene in the penultimate episode. Actually, I don't think Martin includes himself as being unable to be loved, cue the "I am Martin Blackwood" scene, but as I said I'm giving him grace in thinking he's not, as usual, putting all their problems on Jon.

This isn't even bringing in the 'trauma-bonding' mention, but that's also a sticking point for me when thinking about whether or not the two of them SHOULD even attempt to salvage a relationship with each other post-series, whether somewhere!else or not.

All the trauma they went through needed to MEAN something, to Martin, so he placed their relationship in that role. So the question begs, when adding in that quote above, what would've kept them together after Martin's 'kill Jonah, pull the lever, save the world, kiss the Archivist' dream scenario? The one he legitimately thought he was going to accomplish mere hours later? Without either of them needing to rely on the other in a world gone mad, without either of them needing each other to be sources of comradery when everyone else in the world can be, then why would Martin even stick around?

Nothing, according to Martin.

Course you could say that both of their insecurities would mean neither of them would see themselves as worthy of being with anyone else but each other. But that's not sustainable a foundation to build anything on. Especially if, god forbid, they go to therapy and develop any form of self-worth not tied to each other or their places in the apocalypse. Eventually something will give and I don't think many of the 'relationship growing pains' they went through will be that easily forgotten. Or forgiven.

Here's the point where I would point out how all the issues they had actually are mostly issues MARTIN caused by not listening to Jon when he said anything about anything at all, but as I said. Grace. So I won't. Just know, though, that the 'hurdles' they went through are uneven, in my eyes, at least, and I won't say no more.

I suppose, when it comes down to it, what I'm trying to say is... telling someone you love them. Means nothing. When you think that loving them. Can only be the result of total and complete psychological, spiritual, emotional, ethical, physical, and mental destruction of the very fabric of your being.

But yeah.

[ateez-himari]

Romantic Relationships

"Everyday and night I'm gon' chase you...I'm in love."

.......

ASTRO - Cha Eunwoo (January 17, 2019 - January 21, 2021)

They met shortly after debut through their mutual friendship with Jungkook when he had invited her to a small dinner with other '97 liners as she was already acquainted with a few people present. They were both hesitant to speak to each other at first until the topic of upcoming performances appeared, which then prompted him to ask a few questions about her group and finally broke the ice between them. Having become at ease with one another they exchanged numbers and began texting almost every day, quickly growing close to one another to the point where they took every opportunity possible to spend time together.

Eunwoo decided to make the first move when it came to their relationship and confessed his feelings, a confession the maknae was hesitant to respond to as she was worried about what would happen should they get caught, yet after some reassurance from him she agreed to become exclusive. Despite taking great care in hiding their dates suspicions arose when she was seen greeting ASTRO members rather warmly, specifically her boyfriend, during music shows. Since their fandoms had little interaction between them, the couple was able to constantly wear matching jewelry and he was even able to lend her some clothes without people making the connection.

Unfortunately with ATEEZ quickly rising in popularity her schedule became much too hectic for them to keep seeing each other so they reluctantly agreed to break off their relationship and see what the future holds for them. Despite their separation there are no hard feelings between the two and they are still in contact to this day as they knew it was simply due to their line of work and not the other's loss of interest. For a long while they hoped that the other would reach out to mend their relationship back together yet neither made the first move as they did not want to burden the other with the weight of hiding their relationship.

.......

SEVENTEEN - Mingyu (March 3, 2021 - January 10, 2021)

They met through the '97 liners friend group and instantly got along very well due to their very similar personalities, despite the age difference. At first they would only truly speak when Jungkook invited her out with the group yet over time their friendship developed to them being comfortable talking about mundane things, texting almost every day just to check up on one another or even simply sending funny posts they found through their somewhat limited scrolling time.

Following the breakup with Eunwoo he was there to comfort her through it, alongside her own bandmates, and on one customary gaming night when they were left alone in the Seventeen dorm, things escalated unexpectedly rapidly. From this day forward they agreed that the new situationship they found themselves in was nothing more than them 'helping' one another. Unfortunately both ended up developing romantic feelings for each other yet never acted on them and once Mingyu was about to in the midst of a movie, she had realized her romantic feelings for Mingi. While neither were toxic to one another the relationship itself was, as she was extremely unwell at the time and using this as an escapade from reality, to escape whatever else was echoing in her head - though her crush was genuine.

The reason she waited so long to break off the situationship was because she was afraid of what would happen if she was left 'alone' again, without something or someone to distract her from everything. Mingyu became aware of this and helped her come to terms with the fact that she indeed had fallen in love with her bandmate while tied up in this arrangement. To this day they remain very good friends and although they do not act as though none of it happened, neither bring it up nor have they kept the easy physical closeness they had developed at the time.

The older members of each group were aware of what was happening behind the scenes yet due to their large presence in the industry, both were extremely careful when meeting up with one another, so much so that their own friends remained unaware. When they talked about telling their groups, both agreed that since it was nothing romantic - though exclusive - there was no point in anybody knowing, and so the only ones who found out did so on accident while using their respective bandmates' phones.

.......

ATEEZ - Mingi (February 25, 2022 - Present Day)

The two were already relatively close to one another as their extroverted traits helped them learn more about the other quickly through small conversations, yet they grew even more so after the rapper came back from his hiatus as they both spent this time wishing for nothing more than to make up for the fight that had preceded it. Having been nothing more than friends for around 4 years, any romantic possibilities were pushed aside until one particular night when Mingi came into the studio late to find her relentlessly working, his worries turning into their first kiss. At first neither dared to speak about what had happened let alone take part in any sort of skin-ship with each other, yet the more time passed, the more unbearable the tension between them grew until one night of drinking during a small group party resulted in her blurting out her feelings as he brought her to bed. The next morning while the two were on a silent walk he finally brought the subject up, explaining her drunken confession and clarifying that he too felt the same way, that he couldn't stand being "just close friends" anymore.

After they officially entered a romantic relationship that very day, they slowly became one another's healing through the harsh struggles with mental health that both were facing. They became the pieces that the other was missing which led to the members finding out, all of them growing suspicious at the different sense of happiness that showed itself any time they were together. While they started out very careful to not attract the same hate that had just begun to die down, their interactions became more free over time with a few slip ups catching the fandom's eyes, such as one of their concerts during 'The Fellowship : Break The Wall' tour where the rapper seemingly forgot they needed to be discreet and almost kissing her. Logbooks contributed to the now growing speculation as well, with the editors failing to catch an instance of Himari sitting between his legs whilst his hands rested on her thighs. The borrowed clothes and matching jewelry within casual wear could not slip past their keen sight either, bringing more attention to their ship with most ruling it as the simple fact that they are very close friends like most group members.

During the second Coachella weekend they finally showed themselves publicly through a heated kiss as well as footage captured by attendees in which they seemed strangely 'coupley'. A live on July 19th following a Los Angeles concert saw a slip up from the rapper who accidentally referred to the maknae as his 'girlfriend', only for him to confirm it himself on August 1st through messages on the Fromm platform.

[the-bi-fangirl-biatch]

go bestie expose your feelings about the ending😔✌️

before i say anything, these are my OWN opinions! no one take them as me speaking for everyone. you can either respectfully discuss in the reblogs/replies or make your own post if you disagree that much, thank you!!

everything else is under the cut bc oh gosh this is actually pretty long lmao (dw, I have a TL;DR at the end)

let me start with the LOWS of the episode and work my way to a more positive light :)))

first off, we had no resolution to the fob watch/timeless child arc. I can still understand this bit because it's part of the mystery, but it feels like there's so much plot whose ends they still haven't tied together. did she just drop the fob watch containing ALL HER PAST MEMORIES inside the TARDIS and ignore it?? did the doctor really not tell yaz about the memories? did she do that offscreen? like- what? they set up so many plots and didn't even end up continuing them like they deserve

next is how they handled sapphic ships, specifically lesbian ships. I don't know much about the classic companions but from what i've seen, tegan and nyssa are supposed to be together and ace is lesbian-coded, but what we got was retconned tyssa and ace flirting with graham?? and I also disliked how they implied that tegan's life was so dull after being left by the doctor.

they also didnt resolve thasmin at all like?? they gave yaz SO MUCH character development and it looked like her relationship with 13 was gonna have a better resolution because of how they added more of it in EOTD and LOTSD but no?? what happened to "I want to tell you everything" and "if it was gonna be anyone it would've been you"? they just ended it with a nod and walking away silently? now here, I can understand that they both don't want to say goodbye (the doctor bc she hates goodbyes and yaz bc she's holding out hope that they may see each other again) BUT we deserve more than just that. (maybe this is bc I was imagining a killing eve s3 finale-esque goodbye wherein both yaz and the doctor stop in their tracks and turn around for a final goobye kiss, but that's on me lmao)

in addition to that, why is it that the first sapphic doctor is the only one who didn't get a kiss in her entire run, when she had so much chances to kiss yaz? and please don't say "we know it's confirmed to be romantic so we don't need the kiss" bc we have had enough shipping based on subtext and post-show confirmations. i agree that physical touch doesn't define a relationship but can't we have it this once? would it be so hard to give us this on their final day?

finally, imo they hardly gave enough time for jodie to say goodbye to her role properly. it would still have been ok if the episode was only filled to the brim with classic who nostalgia, but then they made her regenerate to 10. instead of giving her (the first female doctor) or ncuti (the first black doctor) the spotlight, they decide to bring back the most popular (and most used) doctor, david tennant. don't get me wrong i LOVE david as a person, but there's a difference between bringing someone back for a cameo and overusing them. with all honesty, I'm tired of him and ten 🤷.

and not only that, they took their most popular (white male cishet) doctor, aka the one that most if not all NMDs compare jodie to, and put him at the end as a cliffhanger? like he was the one they should have been waiting for? they must know that they're diverting people's attention away from appreciating jodie's ending and ncuti's beginning. I keep seeing stuff on twitter like "finally, the good doctor who! they're gonna restore doctor who back to its formal glory! this will prove that the female doctor was a mistake!" which is UTTER BULLSHIT

now here are the HIGHS of the episode because there were a lot of them too:

I LOVED how this episode gave closure to some of the classic companions, aka tegan and ace. I squealed when ace called the doctor "professor" and I'm glad they didn't shy away from showing that a previous companion was (rightfully) upset with the doctor. and all the callbacks! the nitro 9, ace's jacket, and her bat, too. don't even get me STARTED on the "support group for former companions" because that was amazing. IAN WAS THERE?!?!? and it gives such a good open end to them, not only for future projects but also for fanfiction lmao.

the plot of this episode was impressive and fun. its length contributed significantly because it defo wouldn't have worked if it wasn't as long. I really wasnt expecting it to make as much sense as it did because it was a great undertaking, but I'm glad it did. it showed the best parts of chibnall's take on doctor who (utilizing iconic classic who elements well and his own take on history).

THE CHARACTERS!!! gahdamn I loved how they gave the characters their own jobs that only they can handle, like kate and tegan with the cybermen (bc of their history with them), ace with the daleks (same reason, her history) and yaz saving the doctor (bg their PARALLELS here I wanna bawl).

I was also obsessed with the master in this episode!! Sacha played him as such an unhinged little pathetic brat man (affectionate) but he also proved that he was more than capable of delivering powerful scenes. compare the humour of the rasputin dance sequence vs the master so desperately wanting to be the doctor because he feels lonely. he's one of the consistently great things about this episode. i will be hearing RA RA RASPUTIN on repeat in my head for the foreseeable future (as well as thirteen's theme 😭😭😭).

Yaz taking charge!!! my little badass who's grown from being unsure about facing a potential threat in s11 to kicking (the master's) ass, saving ace, flying the tardis like it was nothing, and reversing a regeneration?!?! and not to mention Mandip's acting. she's proven that she has the range of badass action, deep emotion, hilarious comedy, and just raw heart. she's amazing, showstopping, phenomenal. and out of my favourite companions, yaz is the one I connect to the most, both with her struggles (in her mental health, in growing as a person, and in learning she's queer) and her strengths (hopefully her heart, her love for friends, her courage), so to see her grow at the same time as I have is so special to me.

finally, people may disagree with me on this, but I love thirteen's regeneration speech, due to the fact that she did not do it on her own, she didnt just talk to herself on that cliffside (that was just the last bit). most of her speech was to YAZ, her companion, her friend, the one who's supposed to be the viewer's stand-in. her entire message of "goodbyes only hurt because what came before was so special, and it's been so special. no body else got to be us, no body else got to live our days, no body. and my hearts are so full of love for all of you" was not just the doctor to yaz, but jodie and mandip to us. and idc if yall don't like her last words, "Tag, you're it" is SO THIRTEEN and is instantly iconic.

TL;DR I disliked: the abandoned fob watch plot, how they handled sapphic/lesbian characters, the way they hinted at thasmin but never properly resolved them, nostalgia overtaking Jodie's time to say goodbye, and yet another doctor played by david tennant, who I think is overused I LOVED: the closure this gave to tegan and ace, both of them and kate being given unique spotlight, the Former Companion Support Group™️, Sacha Dhawan as the Master, Mandip GIll as Yaz, seeing how much yaz has grown, Jodie Whittaker as The Doctor, aaand 13's regeneration speech (which was directed to yaz and to us, not just to herself)

[wonda-cat]

Misconceptions About Tommyinnit’s Character That Genuinely INFURIATE Me

Since the recent events following the second L’Manburg Festival and subsequent war, I’ve seen many, many hot takes surrounding the nature of Tommyinnit’s character on the SMP. Some of which annoyed me to the point where I felt compelled to sit down and actually write this. I’m going to only be highlighting the most common complaints or questions I’ve seen, one by one, in hopes of providing a better understanding of Tommy’s character for anyone interested. (I also briefly discuss Techno and Tubbo’s characters as well.)

If you’ve said similar things to what I’m going to be discussing below, please know that it’s perfectly understandable how you’d come to these conclusions. Some of these aspects of Tommy’s character are not always obvious; especially if being watched from another streamer’s POV. This may become quite lengthy, so bear with me for now.

“Tommy’s motives are all over the place. He can’t decide whether he wants the discs back or not.”

Tommy is actually one of the most motivationally consistent characters on the entire Dream SMP. Even Techno, someone completely confident in their ideals, does more motivational flipping than Tommy. From the very start of the story, Tommy has always cared for three things; L’Manburg, Tubbo, and his music discs. However, him caring for something is not itself a motivation. 

Surprisingly enough, his motivation isn’t even just, ‘Get my discs back,’ like many assume it is. Tommy’s one true motivation, since the end of the Independence War, has always been, ‘Keep things the way they are now.’ 

Tommy’s one fatal flaw is that he is resistant to change and refuses to let go of the past. This is seen through all of his actions and words; in all conflicts involving him. This flaw is the drive to all of Tommy’s mistakes. Burning down George’s house, an action which resulted in him getting exiled, was done out of a desire to pull pranks the way he used to before the first war. His friendship with Ranboo started because Tommy said he reminded him of Tubbo, back before he was President. 

Tommy still talks highly of Wilbur because he chooses to remember him as the wise, kind mentor who cared for him. This motive is the reason he defends L’Manburg so fiercely; it’s his memory of a better past. This is why he holds grudges more often than any other character; especially refusing to forgive Techno after he killed Tubbo during the Manburg Massacre.

It’s why Tommy falls under extreme distress whenever Tubbo or Quackity tell him that something will never be the same again. This motivation is entirely formed from an underlying desire for peace and comfort, something Tommy has been denied since being forced into a life wrought with war and death. To accept change, to Tommy, is painful and terrifying. But he will only ever truly be happy when he finally learns to let go.

“Why do the discs matter so much to Tommy? They’re not actually worth anything.”

Tommy’s discs are much more than just any ordinary pair of music discs. They were never important for their material worth, but for what Tommy was willing to sacrifice in order to keep them. Tommy is entirely what gives the discs their value. 

Tommy also commonly operates under the Sunk-Cost Fallacy, wherein he’s invested too much of himself into something to just abandon it, even if it’s causing him problems. This mentality is a huge piece of what keeps him tied to both L’Manburg and to his discs. He’s sacrificed too much at this point to simply let them go. If he admits the discs are worthless, then he’s admitting that he wasted all this time and effort, just to keep them.

The discs also act as a constant source of hope for Tommy because they are directly tied with his motivations as a character. They’re something he’s had since the very beginning. They’re something he used to listen to with Tubbo on their shared bench. 

To Tommy, they symbolize a life before war, filled with comfort and peace. They are a love letter to his country and his late mentor Wilbur. They are a physical representation of Tubbo’s companionship. They are the only thing, besides L’Manburg and his best friend, that gives him the hope that he can one day return things to the way they used to be. 

This ideal, paired with Tommy’s refusal to let go, has left him ruthlessly pursuing the things he’s lost. Not his music discs, but his peace and comfort, his friendship, his country, his mentor Wilbur, and his life before war.

In his desperation to hold onto his prized possession, it has only hurt and pushed away the people that love him. If Tommy continues to ignore this reality, while still refusing to resolve his major flaw entwined with it, he will lose all that the discs had once stood for. He will lose his country, then his friend Tubbo, and then he will lose himself.

“Tommy never grows or learns from his mistakes. This makes him a badly written character.”

Characters do not have to constantly learn from their actions to be well-written. Tommy is one of the best examples of this. The fact that his growth is infrequent is the entire point of his character; it’s completely stemmed from his fatal flaw. 

By addressing himself, he would be accepting change, something that terrifies him; something he stubbornly resists until he is absolutely forced to confront it. Contrary to popular belief, Tommy knows when he makes mistakes, but he pretends to be ignorant as to avoid facing reality. He digs his head in the sand despite knowing better, puppeteering the person he used to be during happier times, now gone.

In spite of his infrequent growth, the idea that Tommy still hasn’t learned anything isn’t quite correct either. Tommy, as of the last three plot streams, has shown incredible character development. By giving up his discs again, he had finally demonstrated that Tubbo is more important to him than his possessions. Speaking as a makeshift leader, he put aside his issues with others to rally them together against a common threat, something which Tommy had never been able to do before. He owned up to all of his mistakes openly, apologizing to everyone he’s ever hurt in one place. 

He apologized to Tubbo after they were reunited and came to terms with the fact that Tubbo was forced to exile him without choice, finally forgiving him. He was kind to Sapnap and learned how to be his friend after months of bitter rivalry. And these are only a few examples. This isn’t to say Tommy has overcome/fixed everything because he clearly hasn’t. There are still major things Tommy needs to work through that remain unaddressed, the biggest being his complicated relationship with Technoblade.

“Tommy only cares about himself. He does everything in his power to be the hero, always putting himself in the center of attention, especially during Doomsday.”

Tommy, since the start of the L’Manburg War for Independence, has never set out to be a hero. Not once. He may fall into the role of the protagonist, but his identity as a hero was pushed onto him by others. Giving up the discs was his only option during the Independence War. 

So when Wilbur called him a hero for it, Tommy said he didn’t feel like he was. During the November 16th War, Tommy again said he didn’t feel like a hero because he had lost what he thought was everything at the time. During exile, Tommy certainly knew he was no hero. And upon reuniting with Tubbo, he admitted to feeling like the farthest thing from it. That he’d hurt everyone and all he wanted to do now was fix it. 

The day before Doomsday, Tommy only took a leadership position because no one else was willing to, filling the role for Tubbo, who was crumbling under pressure. He had no choice but to try to bring everyone together, or fight alone. Most viewers never saw this during Doomsday, but before the battle, almost everyone who had vowed to fight alongside L’Manburg had abandoned them the very next day. They were convinced it was going to be destroyed either way, no matter what they did, so they chose not to see it through to the end; ultimately leaving Tommy and those who remained to fight a losing battle, alone. 

After about a third of the way through the battle, it became clear to everyone that they could do nothing to win. One by one, everyone stopped fighting and stood by to watch their country go up in smoke. Tommy was the only person on the battlefield who refused to stand down and give up. And so he took over the role as leader again, trying his best to keep them alive, to keep Tubbo hopeful; to keep fighting, no matter what. 

However, what most people don’t realize, is that this isn’t Tommy trying to be a hero or force himself into the spotlight. This is Tommy trying to convince himself to keep going. Because whenever things start to look hopeless, Tommy simply chooses to ignore them. He puts on a happy face and soldiers through it because that’s all he knows how to do. Tommy, at his core, is someone who wants peace through stagnation. He doesn’t want to fight, although causing the occasional friendly conflict is how he finds fun. He doesn’t set out to purposely hurt others. 

Tommy may come across as self-centered, but this is because he is an extremely extroverted character. He finds energy and joy in the attention of others, both good and bad. It’s why he’s always seeking the approval of others and, oftentimes, will destructively insert himself into another person’s life in order to find it. 

Out of every character in the story, Tommy is the most drawn to praise and positive reinforcement. He is constantly seeking out mentors and friends because Tommy needs someone else to help him feel confident in his own identity and abilities. It’s why Wilbur was such a positive influence on him. His boisterous confidence has always been a front because if anyone were to actually hurt him, he knows it will make his self-esteem crumble instantly. 

This is part of why Dream’s manipulation was so effective against him. By isolating him, he’s left without energy and looking to another person’s guidance. Tommy outwardly may seem independent and rude, but just under the skin, he’s unconfident and lost when he’s by himself. Tommy will only grow from this flaw when he finds his own identity and inner confidence; when he finally learns to be okay with being alone.

“Tommy goes to the festival solely to get his disc back and then tells Tubbo to give it away immediately after. That doesn’t make any sense.”

Before the screaming match between the two friends during the second L’Manburg Festival, Tommy had been in exile, manipulated by Dream for long enough to lose his will to carry on. It is because of him that Tommy’s reality becomes distorted, long after fleeing from his abuser. This mangling of ideals leads Tommy to subconsciously believe that L’Manburg and Tubbo are unsalvageable. 

Therefore, the only thing he has hopes of retrieving are his discs, which are easier to manage than the latter two things. And so Tommy does reprehensible things at the behest of Techno in a vain hope of getting them back, going so far as to kidnap and torture for them. This ultimately culminates in a confrontation between the ex-friends, quickly turning violent. It is in this violence that we see Tommy has sunk to his absolute lowest point in his journey. 

Swinging his axe, he nearly kills his friend as he delivers a string of words that cause the room to silence instantly. He says the discs were always worth more than his friend. Within the quiet of the room, Tommy is forced to reflect on everything he’s done. How he kidnapped and tortured Connor. How he accidentally drowned Fundy. How he traumatized Ranboo. 

And now he’s hurt Tubbo, the one person he has always sought to protect; someone he vowed to never hurt. This realization causes Tommy to break. He’s so ashamed of himself that he can’t look at anyone. Tommy knows now that he is worse than anyone he’s ever hated. 

With pain in his voice, he tries and fails to apologize to Tubbo in the moment. The only way he knows to redeem himself now is to prove to Tubbo, after everything, that he can still put the discs aside. And so he does.

“The fact that Tommy is still trying to get his discs back after L’Manburg was destroyed is unreasonable and ridiculous.”

Tommy deals with grief in an interesting way, doing something very similar to Techno. His grief almost instantly becomes anger and a drive to prove himself. It morphs into a need for vengeance in response to injustice, always. 

After the destruction of L’Manburg, Tommy saying he wants the discs back is a double-sided motivator. The obvious side being: Tommy still needs them to feel comfort. The subtle side beneath it: Tommy is using them as an excuse to find Dream and kill him. To make him pay for helping destroy their home, hurting his friends, and abusing him in exile. 

Upon the loss of his home, I’d also argue the discs have only grown more important to Tommy in the aftermath. Typically, in grief, people hold onto things that survive devastation far more than if the tragic event never occurred. If your eldest child dies, one may hold their surviving children tighter. If your house burns down, one may deeply treasure a box of items that survived the flames. Tommy’s desperation after losing so much is entirely understandable.

On top of this, the discs are still the core to Tommy’s fatal flaw. They are what keeps him from achieving total happiness, so him getting over this intrinsic part of himself so easily would make for an unsatisfying character arc. He still has to work for his happiness in order to change for the better. 

To add, I’ve seen a lot of people complaining that Tommy is still prioritizing the discs over Tubbo, especially in that moment. And while I mostly agree, there are some interactions that stand out to me as being different between the pair that may imply otherwise. Tommy says a few times that despite L’Manburg being destroyed, he still has something left to lose; each time, turning to look at Tubbo. 

This subtly implies that losing Tubbo would be as devastating as losing his home. Tubbo also never voices disagreement over Tommy’s continued pursuit of the item. However, Tubbo frequently does what he thinks will make others happy, so this doesn’t implicitly mean support for Tommy either. Besides these two things, this is still Tommy’s fatal flaw shining through, continuing to hurt others around him. 

I only hope Tubbo can learn to stand up for himself and voice his real thoughts to Tommy now, after everything. It would provide at least some desperately-needed closure for Tubbo’s character.

“How could Tommy betray Techno like that? Techno told him upfront what he was going to do.”

While it’s true that Techno was obvious about his plans, Tommy was also just as upfront with Techno about what he thought of it. In fact, maybe even more so, considering Techno attempted to hide them from Tommy for a good portion of their partnership. Whenever Techno brought up the idea of destroying L’Manburg or hurting Tubbo, Tommy would always remind Techno that he didn’t want to hurt anyone. And that if Techno ever did, Tommy would be there to stand in his way. He never once stopped saying this. 

Tommy’s two major positive character traits have always been his undying loyalty and his strength to never give up, even in the face of death. Two classically heroic qualities, both of which, ironically, reinforce his fatal flaw. His refusal to change makes him stubborn; stubbornness being the only quality that makes unwavering loyalty and extreme persistence feasible. 

Because of these two traits, it was impossible from the start for Dream to completely break Tommy’s spirit and for Techno to get him to agree to anything too extreme. Despite this, Techno already had no hope of keeping Tommy on his side after the events of the day before the Festival. During it, Tommy had asked multiple times for Techno to give his word not to hurt anyone. That they’d only threaten to spawn a wither, get Techno’s remaining weapons in exchange, then leave. That’s it.

Techno avoided directly promising Tommy but still agreed not to regardless. So when Techno chose to spawn the wither anyway, despite Tommy urging them to leave multiple times, whatever trust Tommy had with him went completely out the window. Thus, when the threat was finally real, that Techno would make due on his promise to burn his home country to the ground and slaughter his friends, Tommy intervened. It would be unreasonable to expect Tommy not to stand against him in that moment, especially after his mental breakdown which ensued as a result of him nearly killing his best friend. 

Adding salt to the wound on Tommy’s end, Techno decided to also align himself with Dream, someone Techno knew Tommy was afraid of. This might have been a way to purposely hurt Tommy. More likely, it was because Dream and him shared a common goal in the moment and Techno desperately needed allies.

However, the implication of Techno siding with Tommy’s abuser most certainly hurt him, regardless of its original intentions. This is possibly why Tommy kept insisting through Doomsday that Techno betrayed him, avoiding actually telling anyone the reason as to why. If he couldn’t find the words to describe what Dream did to him, even to Tubbo, he certainly wouldn’t be able to tell Techno either.

“Techno gave Tommy everything, only to be repaid with betrayal.”

This statement regarding Tommy is the one I see most often. (It is also the one I get the most heated about.)

Dream’s character is well known for his manipulation tactics against other characters; pitting them against each other, crushing them under his heel, bending their will to conform to his own. It’s what makes him an interesting villain. It’s something fun to discuss. 

But is it still fun to discuss manipulation tactics if they’re so subtle, almost no one notices them? This is the paradigm Technoblade’s character falls into. While people know Techno for his laid-back personality, dry humor, and complex motivations, many fail to recognize him as a manipulator. The reason why this is so hard to spot is because it is mostly unintentional on behalf of the character. Dream performs his craft with intention, Techno does it without realizing. 

As well as this being unwitting, it is sandwiched between Techno’s actual attempts to connect with Tommy and care for him. Thus, making the manipulation feel less damaging. The only problem is, this still hurts Tommy just as much, regardless of the intentions behind it. Especially after just escaping Dream, Tommy’s reality and sense of identity are horribly distorted. In this vulnerable state, he desperately needs healing and someone to help ground him. This is what makes him even more susceptible to Techno’s influence. 

And because it is much subtler, it is harder to notice, and much harder to break free from. Despite Tommy claiming to hate Techno for what he did on November 16th, he still chose to flee to his house because it was the only place he could think of going, as well as being the safest area possible. After the failed execution, Techno mentioned potentially hurting Tubbo through a vengeance plot. Tommy voiced extreme distress over this, to which Techno threatened to kick him out of his house. 

Tommy then says he’s fine being homeless because he doesn’t want anything to do with someone who would hurt his friend. This is when Techno decides to weaponize Tommy’s own trauma against him. To be fair to Techno again, Tommy never told him the extent of the abuse he suffered in exile. But Techno isn’t stupid. He knows Tommy is extremely afraid of Dream, and for good reason. 

So he tells Tommy that if he were kicked out, he’d be defenseless. That if he were out there all alone, Dream would find him very easily. That Dream would drag him right back to Logstedshire in an instant. He notices the way Tommy reacts to this, how quickly he changes his mind about being kicked out. He continues to use this trauma repeatedly in order to keep Tommy under his roof, no matter how disagreeable he gets about Techno’s plans. He knows he can’t retrieve his weapons alone because he has no leverage. 

Therefore, using Tommy like a wild card was a major side strategy. Techno knows it will hurt Tubbo by doing this and may make the President more willing to compromise. In addition to this, many of the strategies Techno utilizes are Narcissistic manipulation tactics, categorized by their intent to keep the victim in a position below the abuser in terms of worth. This includes Techno using the silent treatment as a punishment, something which hurts Tommy since he craves affection from others. 

He also attempts to isolate Tommy by telling him he doesn’t need anyone else; that everyone abandoned him during exile (something which Dream has also said.) He tells Tommy that he’s only alive because Techno is there to defend him and supply for him, as well as constantly reminding Tommy to not let any compliments he receives get to his head. These are both meant to make Tommy depend more on Techno and doubt his own abilities. Techno also occasionally engages in subtle gaslighting, attempting to sow doubt in Tommy’s mind about his relationships with Tubbo, Quackity, Ranboo, and Fundy. 

It’s also vital to keep in mind what exactly separates Dream and Techno in this regard. The most important thing being that Techno actually does care about Tommy. He trusts him and wants to earnestly help him. He knows Tommy has been traumatized and abused in some way, but he doesn’t know how to help because he’s not that great with people. It also doesn’t help that Tommy is unable to tell anyone what happened. 

In the end, Techno really does want to be a shield for Tommy. Despite debating handing Tommy over to Dream, it’s more likely Techno was using this as bait for Dream to waste his favor on something useless. After all, he could always save Tommy, should he ask for him to. Techno’s warnings about Tubbo and L’Manburg also come from a place of love, as Techno was personally hurt by them and wants to protect Tommy by telling him to leave it behind. However, just because something is done out of love, doesn’t mean it’s automatically helpful or good for someone. 

There’s no better example of this than in Techno’s most damaging and frequently used tactic: ‘Buy Their Love,’ a technique commonly used on children by narcissistic parents. At first glance, nothing seems wrong. Techno gives Tommy most things he asks for; providing him with food, gifts, protection, and a place to sleep. The manipulation within this arises when the act of kindness is counted as a debt against the person who receives it. That by receiving so many good things, they would be ungrateful to go against their abuser. Doesn’t matter if they emotionally or physically hurt you, they gave you gifts, so you should shut your mouth and allow the abuse to continue. 

Whenever Tommy speaks out against Techno’s violent actions or his plans to hurt his friends, Techno would frequently bring up all his ‘good deeds.’ He consistently reminds Tommy that he could’ve just thrown him back to Dream, but he was too kind. That he went out of his way to give him gear, food, and a roof over his head. That he was kind so Tommy should be quiet and let Techno plot to hurt the people he loves. Or else he’s selfish and ungrateful. Or else Techno will take all of his gifts back and leave him with nothing.

Knowing this, it is horrifying seeing people justifying this behavior by mocking Tommy’s character and calling him ungrateful using this very same fallacy. (Especially for those who grew up being controlled by this very tactic.) 

It is through knowing Techno’s use of the ‘Buy Their Love,’ method that makes Tommy’s, ‘I am worthy,’ response, not one of betrayal, but one of triumph. This moment is a major positive character change for Tommy for many reasons. When Tommy decides to stand against Techno, this causes him to fall back on his most reliable tactic. He insults Tommy and then asks for the Axe of Peace back. Instead of caving, Tommy refuses. 

By keeping the Axe of Peace, Techno’s final gift to him, he is not only rejecting the destruction of all he loves, but he is breaking free from Techno’s manipulation. He says, ‘I am worthy,’ because now he knows his own self-worth. He doesn’t need Techno or Dream to decide it for him. This moment is Tommy finally breaking free from not just Techno, but Dream as well. He is finally free.

“Tommy was only using Techno and never thought of him as a friend.”

Tommy and Techno’s relationship is complicated, which is why pretending only one side was in the wrong isn’t entirely accurate. Their friendship, in summary, is tragic when fully examined; being doomed from the start. Techno and Tommy are brought into conflict often because they are simultaneously so similar and so different. Techno and Tommy both deal with grief in the same way. They both long for a life of peace and comfort. They each long for companionship, hold their ideals in kind, and are both naturally resilient in the face of adversity. 

Yet, their personalities and courses of action are polar opposites. What makes this friendship one of tragedy is the fact that not just Techno, not just Tommy, but both of them, actually thought the other was their friend. They had each wanted to be the other’s friend since the day they’d met. Tommy never stopped wanting to impress Techno and get on his good side, even if his methods annoyed the target of his affections. Him calling Techno ‘The Blade’ was never meant to dehumanize him; it was a title of adoration. 

Along the same spectrum, Techno is a character who generally longs for friendship, but pretends not to after a lifetime of hurt. He’s been burned too many times, and so he chooses to stay alone. Techno is generally very reclusive and awkward around others, so when he likes someone or cares for them, it’s noticeable from a mile away. Their friendship has a very brotherly dynamic, and the fact that Techno allowed him to stay in his house, implies Tommy is a step above pretty much everyone else but Phil. Putting up with Tommy’s shenanigans is itself a sign of affection. 

However, when their goals come into conflict and the two start to drift apart, they deal with this in massively different ways. With Tommy devastated and enraged, and with Techno withdrawn and hurt, once more burned by someone he slowly learned to trust. They were once both friends, neither one was pretending. Yet, both of them thought their companionship was unreciprocated. 

On top of this, both Techno and Tommy were using each other. Techno used Tommy to get his weapons back by manipulating and lying to him. Tommy used Techno to protect him from Dream and get his discs back. They each hurt the other and refused to listen, both shouting valid complaints at the other that they refused to hear. 

Their relationship is also deeply affected by the themes of vengeance in the current arc, which is something I haven’t seen many people talk about. Most of the current conflicts this past month have resulted from characters being unable to forgive, resorting to revenge as a way to cope with loss. L’Manburg was the first to initiate this, through the influence of Quackity. The Butcher Army was formed to punish Techno for a war crime he committed. And while this is perfectly reasonable, what isn’t is the way the incident was orchestrated. It was an unchecked abuse of power to execute someone without a fair trial, as well as punishing Phil, who was not involved whatsoever. 

This was also particularly unfair to Techno, as many projected their anger at Wilbur onto him. Even Tommy did this, finding himself unable to blame his late mentor, so Techno was the next best option for him. However, it was Techno’s response to this that was interesting. He chose a path of vengeance, the same way L’Manburg did, after vowing to live his life as a pacifist. By doing this and following through, he hurt everyone, not just the people he claimed needed to pay for their actions. 

Instead of just picking the weed in the garden, he set the entire flower bed on fire. Through L’Manburg’s destruction, he gets what he wants. He destroys their government, but he also scars the earth and shatters the sky. He leaves uninvolved people homeless, deeply hurting Ranboo, Eret, and especially Ghostbur. Philza turns to vengeance as well, taking his anger at the death of his son out on people who do not deserve it. 

Tubbo, a day before the second Festival, was given another chance to seek revenge when Techno had spawned a wither on their land. Instead, all Tubbo could say was, ‘We do nothing … It’s pointless, vengeance. It’s poisonous.’ By doing this, he has managed to be a bigger person than even Techno was, with the strength and maturity to turn the other cheek. And now with Tommy’s plan to kill Dream, the conflict continues to escalate; only ending where forgiveness begins. 

It’s sad to think, if Techno didn’t choose a path of vengeance and Tommy was strong enough to tell Techno how he really felt, the two might have remained friends. Who knows? Maybe they still can.

“Tommy was the one in the wrong. Techno was right to destroy L’Manburg.”

Techno is a lovely character. He’s well-written, engaging, funny. He has many values and quirks that are generally relatable and interesting. His motives are deeply understandable and sympathetic. And yet, he is perfectly capable of being evil, in just the same way that Tommy can be deeply flawed despite being the protagonist. 

I’m sure most people already know that Technoblade is a villain. Or more accurately, a tragic antagonist. Techno (the streamer) knows he is and he’s having fun playing that part. Just because a character is morally in the wrong doesn’t mean their values and ideology don’t have merit. The best character I could compare Techno to is Thanos. 

They have completely valid concerns and points, but it is the way in which they go about achieving their goals that makes them into evil people. And despite this, many will still agree with them, even after they do something reprehensible. Contrary to popular belief, Technoblade’s tendency towards violence isn’t a good thing, no matter how you look at it. Even Techno himself knows this, that’s why he decided to reform and become a pacifist with Phil. He was not a good influence on Tommy, on top of also manipulating him. 

Techno caving to hatred and vengeance makes him no different to the resolve of the Butcher Army that pursued him. It is precisely the fact that he went on to destroy the home of not just Tommy, but also Ranboo and Ghostbur, that puts him in the wrong. He is allowed to despise all government and remove himself from it, but the moment he decided to insert himself into someone else’s country and take their home from them in order to destroy it, he abandoned an integral principle to his own values. 

This principle being: ‘Choice.’ The act of letting others be free to decide what they want for themselves. It is a huge component to the concept of anarchy, the freedom to choose. And yet Techno robbed this from, not just the ruling powers that hurt him, but individuals who were not even involved in the first place. He justifies this by saying it’s for their own good, that he’s helping; while acting in a self-serving manner. 

In his anger, he became the punisher, stooping lower than L’Manburg has ever gone. There is also the issue of Dream weaponizing Techno to destroy the one thing that has been a thorn in his side since the very start, manipulating Techno’s grief to achieve his goals. Tommy’s biggest sin in the Doomsday War was standing up to Techno and getting in the way of him hurting his friends and destroying his home. 

This isn’t to say Tommy is perfect, because he still hurt everyone he ever loved. But the only way he knew to redeem himself was to fight for what he knew was right. And so he chose to fight alongside his best friend, Tubbo. However, just because Techno is in the wrong doesn’t mean others are wrong for wanting to side with him, or by finding joy in his ruthlessness. The biggest appeal of Techno is the fact that he opposes people like Tommy. 

He knows how to put people in their place and it’s satisfying to watch. Some people love rooting for villains and it’s entertaining to see a being with so much power crush everyone else down so effortlessly. Especially because it’s so easy to sympathize with Technoblade. Sympathetic villains are the best kind; where they have understandable motivations, relatable flaws, people they love, and something they can lose. Dream is a villain you love to hate. Technoblade is a villain you hate to love. Simple as. 

Despite the destruction of L’Manburg being either devastating or fantastic depending on who you are, there is one major good it has done. It has pushed Tommy more towards the completion of his character arc. By losing one of the three things he loves, it will be impossible for him to pretend any longer. He will be forced to confront reality very soon. It all depends on whether Tubbo will have to die first for him to finally see it.

[erimeows]

For You (NSFW)

Optimus Prime wasn’t good at confrontation; physical, verbal, emotional- none of it. So, as he stood with his digit hovering over your doorbell, he could feel his spark beating in his throat. His anxiety was killing him, and the part of him that was so anxious was tempted to just turn around and walk away.

He could save it for another night, couldn’t he? ...No, he couldn’t. He’d been telling himself another night, just one more night, next week, later for months now. It was time. 

Now or never.

Three, two, one-

With a sharp inhale, Optimus rung your doorbell and wrung his servos together in front of him. He could feel his faceplates burning red with a heavy blush as he waited for you to open the door, but thankfully, he didn’t have to wait for too long.

The door slowly came open, revealing you behind it. You wore a (f/c) robe that was loosely tied, revealing part of the white teddy you wore underneath. It took everything in Optimus to tear his optics away from the beginnings of the chest that he so desperately wanted to bury his faceplates in, but when said optics landed on your face, graced with a sultry smirk and lustful (e/c) eyes, it didn’t help. 

You grabbed his servo with one hand and pulled him far enough inside to shut the door behind him before pushing his back against it- and, of course, he let you. The second you went to lean up and kiss him, though, Optimus shook his head and pulled away. 

“We can’t keep doing this.”

“You say that every time,” You rebutted and rested your hands on his hips, gently massaging circles into the metal plating with your thumbs.

It was true, and he knew that. Every time after the first time you two had met up like this, he’d argued against it, but you always pulled him right back in with your charm. 

“No, I mean it this time,” Optimus stopped you, a bit awkward as he placed a servo on your shoulder and backed himself further up against your door to put some distance between the two of you. He wasn’t ready to do this. He wanted to keep you forever, but it wasn’t fair to you. You deserved better and he needed to tell you the truth. “We need to talk.”

You seemed to know what was coming, so you pulled away and crossed your arms with a huff. Your eyebrows furrowed. 

Honestly? The situation was uncomfortable. Optimus could see the candles lit in your house, smell the perfume of yours flooding into his olfactory sensors, and the lingerie under your robe... You’d assumed he was coming over to interface with you like usual, and as much as he wanted to, he used all of his willpower to resist the urge in favor of watching you storm over to the living room couch. You plopped down onto the corner seat in a dramatic fashion with your arms still crossed. 

“At least come in and sit down here if you’re going to do this to me tonight, Optimus. I’d rather you not do it in my doorway.”

You knew, and he knew. Shaky in his movements, the Autobot locked your front door and walked over to your couch so he could sit next to you. 

Your relationship had always been complicated, to say the least.

It started when him and his team had started battling the Decepticons on earth. With all of the news coverage they received, they were well-known amongst politicians, media outlets, law enforcement, and citizens in Detroit, and the Autobots had not only captured their interests, but yours as well. You were a scientist interested in doing studies on Cybertronian creatures to figure out what they were and how you could apply them and their technology to life on earth. There were plenty in the scientific community who were interested in them, of course, but you were the only one who had written a heartfelt letter about the matter, promising not to do anything too inhumane- the occasional metal sample, recharge studies, strength tests, and so on. 

Then again... You’d included a picture of yourself in your first letter to the base, and that may or may not have been what captured Optimus’s attention initially. But then he met you and allowed you to conduct your experiments with Ratchet as your assistant on base, and not only were you gorgeous, but you were smart, creative, kind, easygoing, loving... You were everything Optimus Prime wished he was. So, even when the experiments stopped and you moved onto your next project, you still came around the base and Optimus still came around your house behind his teammates’ backs. 

‘Why is she still here, Prime? Her study’s over.’

‘Yes, I know, Ratchet. She’s just... Helping me with some things.’

Ratchet commented on it the most, skeptical as always. Bumblebee always asked where he disappeared to in the middle of the night. Prowl was starting to get concerned by how tired Optimus seemed, and Bulkhead was the one who constantly snapped him out of his lovestruck dazes when he got caught up thinking about you.

The first time Optimus Prime made love to you was still a blur. He had developed feelings rather quickly, but it wasn’t until months of building up the courage to make a move that he’d finally done something; shown up to your house in the middle of the night and taken you into his arms the second you opened the door. It had escalated from there with you wrapping your arms back around him and pushing your lips against his, slamming the door shut behind the two of you and tumbling in a pile of warmth and metal onto your living room floor without any regard to how sore you’d be the next morning.

It had turned into a regular occurrence after that. Optimus showed up to your house, showered you in kisses and praise, and the two of you would interface, no matter how hard he tried to resist. And trust me, he tried to resist because he knew in his spark that it wasn’t right.

You’d shared your hopes and dreams and body with him, and he didn’t want to let all of that go, but how could he love what he didn’t deserve in the first place?

He was putting you in danger by being with you, anyway. Being with you was selfish, especially considering that neither of you had dared to say the ‘L’ word or put any sort of label on it. It was just the two of you spending an increasing amount of time together, talking, making love, falling in love when there was a good chance of it failing in the end. And both of you knew. 

“It’s hard for me to come out and say this,” Optimus started. “But I love you, and I know you feel the same way.”

Your reaction was surprisingly restrained. No denying, no deflecting, nothing except for a small nod. You allowed your (e/c) eyes to fall shut and took a deep breath before speaking. 

“I do.”

“It’s remained unspoken for far too long, but part of the reason I haven’t addressed it is because you deserve better,” Optimus reached over and set a servo on your thigh, offering a comforting squeeze, though that seemed to do nothing. You flinched, not even able to look at him for a moment. “I know it hurts, but you’re worth more than this... (y/n), darling-”

“No, you don’t get to tell me that after everything we’ve been through, Optimus,” You hissed, finally gathering the courage to look right at him, (e/c) burning into aquamarine. “Why do we do this to ourselves?”

“I don’t know,” He confessed with a half-hearted shrug. The simple answer was because the two of you loved each other and didn’t want to let go, but the complicated answer was... Well, complicated. “But what I do know is that I don’t want this for you.”

“Then what do you want?” You snapped.

Optimus understood. He had no right to dictate your life, your romantic interest, or anything else about you; you were a strong, intelligent woman with your own hopes and dreams, and unfortunately, he somehow fit into all of that for you. Still, he answered your question honestly.

“I want you to go live a normal life; meet a human, start a family or get married, stay single if you want, even. I don’t want you to get too attached to me and regret it when you start thinking about the little things later down the line... If you stay with me, you’ll always be in danger, we won’t be able to have sparklings of our own, and I could leave you here on earth or die any day now. Is that what you want, (y/n)? You can still leave me-”

“Are you stupid?” You asked, which made him blink.

The Prime hadn’t expected for you to be happy about this, but he hadn’t expected for you to outright insult him either, let alone call him stupid.

“What?”

“Do you think I would’ve done all of this with you without considering the consequences!?” You raised your voice and jerked away from him, holding a hand to cover your chest, offended. Optimus took the hint and pulled his servo away from your thigh to avoid angering you further. 

He crossed his arms in frustration. 

“You know what? Yeah, I do,” He answered. “Because you care about me too much to realize how big of a mistake this is going to be if we go through with it. Let’s say you’ve fully thought this through and don’t care about anything I’ve brought up- even if that’s the case, I’m not good enough for you, (y/n). I’m so large compared to you that I’m afraid I’ll hurt you one of these days, I’m selfish, I’m inconsiderate, I mess everything up at every turn, and Primus, I’m so unattractive-”

“Is that where all of this is coming from?” You asked, suddenly a lot more quiet, and Optimus winced at your tone. “I knew something was up, too; you’ve been keeping the lights off when we have sex and most of the time it feels like you can’t look at me anymore, but I... I thought I’d done something wrong, why couldn’t you have told me earlier that you were feeling like this?”

You were giving him the look; (e/c) eyes peering up at him, full of love and passion and so much more that was burning into his processor to make sure he wouldn’t ever forget it.

“Because I knew you were going to react like this- I knew you were going to look at me like that and tell me I’m wrong about myself, and it’s making it ten times harder to break it off with you, but what I said is final. Being with me is dangerous, you deserve to live a normal life, and I’m not good enough for you-”

Optimus’s self-deprecating rambling was cut off by you throwing yourself into him, wrapping your arms around his neck and holding on as tight as you possibly could. He uncrossed his own, unsure of what to do with them- he didn’t want to hug you back and give you the wrong idea, but he so desperately wanted to feel your warmth on his digits and palms. 

“Shut up! Have you ever thought that facing our problems head on would be better than giving up everything we have?” You argued, pleaded, voice cracking as your tears fell onto his shoulders. “You think that being with me is selfish, but what’s really selfish is you not giving me a chance to make this work! You’re wrong, Optimus-”

“Leave me, (y/n),” Optimus reached forward and caressed your cheek with a servo. The amount of tears he found himself wiping away with his thumb made him frown- was this really for the best? Was he in the wrong here? No, this was exactly why he had to go through with it; whatever hurt came from this point on would be much, much worse if he allowed your relationship to continue. “I know you’re hurting right now, but you’ll thank me later. Cut your losses and leave. Go live a happy life, fall in love again- with a human- and focus on your work.”

“I can’t do it, I’m sorry,” You apologized, only making things worse. The fiery anger that you had expressed initially was fading into something much more melancholy as you hung onto him tighter and buried your face into his neck. “I love you too much. If you really mean everything you said, and you don’t want to be with me, push me away; I’ll leave, and we’ll never talk about it again... If that’s what you really want. Push me away, Optimus.”

“You’re making this harder than it needs to be, (y/n), I...” He stopped when he heard you sob into his shoulder, the sound muffled by his metal plating. Part of him knew that if he had to leave earth in the near future, the impact would be more severe on you than this, but he couldn’t see and hear you cry and push you away like you had asked him to. He couldn’t leave you, couldn’t let you go, no matter how much he hated himself for it. “Oh, to hell with it, I can’t do this anymore- So what if it’s selfish?” Before Optimus could stop himself, he found himself moving his servo from your tear-stained cheek to the back of your head, wounding his digits in your (h/l) (h/c) hair and dragging you into him for a heated kiss. You hummed and leaned into it without hesitation. Optimus sighed through his nose when he felt the tension leave both of your bodies, your hands resting on the side of his neck, his spare servo resting on the small of your back to support you and hold you close to him. Your much smaller lips molded into his the best they could, tasting of sugar and a human spice called cinnamon as you swiped your tongue across his bottom lip plate. His servo in your hair ran through the locks and wrapped them around his digits to yank at them- heat consumed his body to the point that his cooling fans were already turning on with the feeling of his spike pushing against the constraints of his interface plating. After what felt like forever yet not nearly long enough, you pulled away from Optimus and looked up at him, lips swollen from the intensity of your kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” You responded, a little rushed. 

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” You choked out, sniffling and clearing up the remainder of your tears before shedding your robe and kissing his neck, cautious and soft yet needy and desperate. The white teddy contoured your body perfectly, hugging your plump ass and highlighting the shape of your breasts as your nipples perked up against the lacy fabric. Your sides were exposed by the slits cut into the outfit. Optimus found himself drawn to the exposed (s/c) skin instantly, so he rested his servos on your hips and took a deep breath in. You were so small compared to him, too; both of his servos covered the entirety of your waist, back, and stomach when he had them like that, and oh Primus, he could already imagine how you’d look splayed out underneath him with his spike buried in your core. He was sure that if he didn’t open his interface panel in the next few minutes, he was going to burst. “I need this, need you... Optimus.”

The next few minutes were wordless, with Optimus picking you up and carrying you to your bedroom. There were candles lit there, too, and while he was sure that was a fire hazard, he appreciated your attempt to set the atmosphere- even if it had been temporarily squandered by his earlier spiel. So, he shut and locked the door behind him and followed that with gently setting you on the edge of the bed. 

When he kneeled on the floor in front of you, you blinked your (e/c) eyes, (s/c) cheeks lit aflame when he took your hand in one of his and pressed a kiss against your knuckles. And, as he looked up at you, he realized something; maybe he didn’t think he deserved you, but you deserved him if that’s what he wanted, and instead of shoving his own self-deprecating sentiments down your throat, he wanted to try to be more thankful that he had you, wanted to stop worrying about what was ahead and enjoy what he had in the moment. 

“(y/n), I want to tell you everything tonight, I...” Optimus cleared his throat and continued to hold your hand as he leaned up and nuzzled your neck. “I’ve never loved anybot or anyone like I’ve loved you. I don’t think I could live without you; without the mornings I wake up with you and bury my face in your hair, without the feeling of your skin on mine, without seeing how the sunlight pours through the windows and onto your skin when the sun rises and how your lashes flutter against your cheekbones when you wake up-”

“Make love to me,” You cut him off, looking up at him, and oh, how he could see the utter love and adoration in your eyes. He wondered how such a small being was capable of holding so much love for him, but he didn’t dare question it, doing as you’d told him and reaching up to unlace the front of your teddy, the ribbon that kept the two halves of the front together coming untied underneath his nimble fingers within seconds. It fell off of the upper half of your body, revealing rounded shoulders and supple breasts, a soft tummy and feminine hips. You didn’t hesitate to lift yourself off of the bed just enough to pull the rest of the lingerie down your body and kick it across the room. Now, all of you was exposed from head to toe. This was the point at which Optimus would usually get on the bed and pick you up by your waist, pull you over so you could sit on his faceplates, but he was so emotional and pent up at this point that he knew he couldn’t wait that long to be inside you. “Hurry up, please? I’ve been thinking about this all day.”

The Autobot gave you a nod and stood up, so you laid down with your back on the bed and watched him open his interface panels. He couldn’t help but watch your face as he released his spike, already fully pressurized- because no matter how many times the two of you had done this, you always seemed to be taken aback by the sheer size of it, your cheeks glowing red and eyes blown wide with lust in a manner that flattered him. 

You didn’t speak, only gulping and squeezing your thighs together in anticipation. Optimus Prime crawled over you on top of your mattress with his knees on either side of your hips to cage you underneath him. The slit of his spike was already wet with prefluid and lubricant, and he wanted to fuck you so bad, but he knew he had to wait until you were ready.

As embarrassing as it was to admit, before you’d probably even thought of him in such a way, he’d done his own research on human mating rituals to prepare himself for you; enough research to know that human women needed thorough foreplay and preparation to take a human’s spike, let alone a Cybertronian’s, which was usually larger. Due to that, he was always very careful with you, giving you plenty of time and prep before you ever had sex. 

So, as he balanced himself on his knees and pinned your wrists above your head with one servo, he circled two of the digits on his free servo with his glossa to lubricate them and get them ready for you. You spread your shaky legs and moved your hips up, almost as if to tell him to get on with it. Your impatience was evident in the way your body moved, your breaths heavy and a pout of frustration taking over your face.

Unable to help himself, Optimus chuckled at the feeling of you trying to move your hands out of his grip to no avail. It was nice to know that despite what had happened earlier, nothing bad had happened to your usual dynamic- and the sound of you bashfully giggling in return made his spark swell with the love he had for you.

Having had enough with making you wait, the Prime prodded his pointer digit at your entrance and slowly pushed it in. He followed with his middle digit and waited for you to adjust, the both of you letting out a sigh. You were so different than any Cybertronian he’d ever done anything with; piping hot, wet, velvety, and sensitive, he couldn’t help how his spike throbbed at the feeling of you moving your hips to fuck yourself on his fingers as you hummed. With him holding your wrists, you couldn’t move your arms down, but you managed to grip one of the digits that was assisting in holding you down. 

You’d adjusted quickly enough to his fingers, so Optimus began a steady rhythm of pulling them most of the way out before pushing them back in, over and over and over again, getting progressively faster with each push. You rewarded him with your sweet moans in return and tilted your head back with your mouth agape in the depths of your pleasure.

“You’re so beautiful when you’re like this,” Prime praised you without hesitation and dipped in until he was knuckle deep. That made you say his name especially loud, so he continued doing it, wanting to hear that sound again. “So gorgeous with your face red and eyes half-lidded. I love how you always squeeze one of my fingers during it because your hands are too tiny to fully hold mine; you’re so small I fear breaking you sometimes, but the fact that you still trust me when I’m big enough to crush you like this makes me feel so good.”

“I think your eyes are beautiful,” Surprisingly enough, you praised him back, looking him straight in the optics. “I love it when you look at me when we do it; the face you make is what sends me over the edge, and the noises you make in my ear drive me wild. The way you have so much physical power over me just makes it even more exciting than it already is. It’s like you could do whatever you want to me, any time you want, and I’d let you.”

Your words were rushed but confident, though as soon as you finished, you hid your face in the pillow your head was currently on to stifle a moan at a particularly rough crook of his fingers. 

“Ah, you’re embarrassing me now,” The Autobot murmured, able to feel his normally cool-colored faceplates drowning in a heavy pink blush. You seemed ready enough and he was growing just as impatient as you had been earlier, so Optimus slowly withdrew and positioned himself between your legs with the head of his spike at your entrance. He bit his lower lip and rubbed his tip against your slick folds before teasing your clit, which made you emit a cracked moan. “You’re ready, yes?” You gave a hurried nod and moved to rest your cheek on the cold pillow. “I need to hear it, baby. Use your words.”

“I’m ready, please-” Optimus didn’t wait any longer after that, wanton and revved up, the Autobot sheathed his spike in you in one deep stroke and reveled in the debauched cry of yours that followed. Your pussy enveloped him completely, taut and scorching and slick, so much so that his hips stuttered with the willpower it took him to let you adjust instead of fucking you raw like an animal the way he wanted to. 

“(y/n), my dearest love,” Optimus groaned and pulled back about half away, then pushed back in, only for your heat to pulse and twitch around him. You moved your hips up to meet his and grinded them in a circular motion in what must’ve been an attempt to urge him to get on with it. “Oh, Primus, if you know what’s good for you, you’re going to stop that. Tonight is not the night to test my patience, because you feel absolutely delectable right now and it’s taking everything in me not to fuck you so hard that you won’t be able to walk or sit down without feeling my spike in you for weeks.”

“Yeah?” You taunted, voice breathy as you dared to test him by wiggling your hips even more and purposefully clenching down around him. The thread that was the last of his patience snapped at that, so he gripped your wrists even tighter in his servo and used the other to balance himself over you so he wouldn’t crush your body. You only continued your teasing.

“Yeah,” Optimus finally responded to you, his lips pulling into a tight smile to keep himself from making any noises that were too embarrassing. When he regained his composure, he leaned down to whisper in your ear. “This is going to get a bit rougher than usual, so don’t say I didn’t try to warn you earlier. You earned this.”

With that, the red and blue bot withdrew until it was just his tip inside you, and then thrusted all the way back in- so hard and deep that he could feel the back of your inner walls. You cried out to him again, your legs trembling as you clenched them together around his hips. Optimus could only smirk- for as teasing and impatient as you’d been earlier, your cocky demeanor was certainly washing away with every rough thrust of his spike, replaced with desperation and heat. 

“Optimus,” Your back arched off the bed as you were split open by his spike, but as much as you tried to move, all you could do was lay there and take it with your arms pinned by Optimus’s servo and your lower body trapped in place by his legs between yours and his spike deep inside of you. “Optimus!”

You looked at him, (e/c) eyes clouded over and rosy lips parted in heavy moans and pants that drove him wild. Just to see how you would look, Optimus pushed his hips into yours particularly hard, feeling his spike twitch at the sight of your eyes rolling back and your lips trembling at the sensation of your upcoming orgasm.

“Say my name, darling,” Optimus leaned forward and nipped at your shoulder as he adjusted his angle so he could slam the head of his blunt, thick spike into your sweet spot and pick up his pace. Your eyes went wide before you squeezed them shut again and yelled out at the sudden change, a sliver of drool falling from in between your lips. “I want to be all you remember for the rest of the night, so say all of it...!”

“Optimus,” You practically sobbed as the Autobot made love to you like there was no tomorrow in store. The sounds of his metal hips slamming against you and your broken moans echoed in the room and drove him closer and closer to the edge. He was already inside you, but he found that he still wanted to be closer, so he found himself making out with you yet again. “Optimus Prime,” His name fell from your tongue and onto his lips in between your passionate kisses with every thrust of his spike into your wet heat in a way that made him shudder. The arm that was holding him over you shook with the strength of his upcoming overload, the hand that was holding your wrists above your head on your pillows squeezing just tight enough to leave red marks on your skin in the shape of his large digits. 

“That’s it, sweetspark, overload for me, won’t you? I can hear you’re getting close, so why don’t you be a good girl and finish for me? You look so beautiful like this, can’t wait to see you cum around my spike, princess,” Optimus egged you on as he felt your pussy flutter around his spike, quickly bringing him closer and closer to his own climax. Thrusting into your soft, small body was so addicting that he didn’t want it to end, but when you gave a broken moan of his name and tensed so hard that he was sure your fingers digging into his fingers left dents in the metal, he couldn’t help it. You came hard around him, squeezing down to keep his spike deep inside of you in a way that triggered his overload. Optimus Prime gave a soft groan when he finally finished, the electricity in his abdomen and spike exploding and making his entire body go numb as he spilled into you. “Fuck, (y/n)-” Optimus slammed his lips into yours one more time, filling you up with his transfluid and giving you a few more weak thrusts. You kissed back, albeit sloppily due to your current blissed out state. Your tongue lazily intermingled with his. The grip on his shoulders loosened, and you pulled away when you felt him depressurize so he could pull out, close his interace panel, and sit next to where you laid on the side of the bed.

When the afterglow faded and you laid down with your back facing him, Optimus usually laid next to you the best he could considering his size and wrapped an arm around you. However, as he remained sitting up, staring at your back and the (h/c) locks that were splayed out upon your pillow, he found tears of lubricant welling up in his eyes- it had never happened to him before, and though he knew Cybertronians were fully capable of it, crying was primarily an organic behavior. The warm light of the candles in your room bringing out the hues of your (s/c) skin and the scent of your shampoo and soap flooding into his olfactory sensors seemed to bring out all of the emotions at once; fear, relief, love, regret, guilt, and everything else that came with loving you. And, as much as he tried to conceal it, the way his voice cracked when he tried to clear his throat gave it away. 

“Optimus? What’s wrong?” You asked, clearly panicked as you turned to face him.

“Nothing, I just-” Optimus stopped and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to cry in front of you, but he figured it was part of learning to be vulnerable, and he was done hiding himself from you. “I love you a lot.”

“I love you, too.”

“Don’t leave me,” Optimus pleaded, letting his guard down for the first time in a long time as he moved to sit on his knees on the floor. You sat on the edge of the bed with your feet planted on the floor, just close enough for him to be able to move between your legs and rest his head on one of your thighs. “Don’t ever leave me, (y/n). I’m so scared I’ll mess this up somehow. What if I hurt you? What if there comes a day that you can’t stand to look at me anymore?”

“You just have to trust yourself,” You murmured. 

“I don’t yet,” The Prime admitted as he sat up again and leaned forward to rest his forehead against the middle of your chest. “But I’ll try to learn how to... For you, (y/n).”

“Do it for you, too, Optimus. You deserve to have a good relationship with yourself.”

You looked down at him, the smile on your face laced with your concern and exhaustion. You softly ran a hand over the top of his head in a clear attempt at comforting him. Though Optimus was hopeful for what was to come despite his earlier worries, he felt guilty that you had to deal with him like this; anxious and soft and unsure of himself.

The Autobot let out a gentle sigh and pressed a kiss against your collarbone. You smelled like vanilla, jasmine, and something uniquely you; all mixed with his own scent, evidence of the entanglement of your two bodies that would remain until you showered in the morning. Your arms still lingered around his neck as you stared down at him. 

It was peaceful, and the second you leaned down to peck his forehead with your kiss-bruised lips, Optimus decided that he’d try his hardest to make it work; for you. 

[charcubed]

Let's talk about Supernatural 15x07, "Last Call."

Or as I like to call it, "the episode that makes me go feral because it tells us so much about Dean's sexuality, character, and arc." 

YES others have written meta! YES I will talk about it myself for the satisfaction! I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

This post was originally a thread on Twitter and I am crossposting it to my blog.

Alt image IDs are included in that linked Twitter thread!

Join me on this journey.

What's the context of this episode? Dean's been kind of down/depressed, feeling hopeless in the face of the idea that they have to defeat God (and not really working towards that goal much), and he's mid-divorce with Cas. He goes out on this solo case to try to clear his head.

And he ends up at Swayze's Bar. 

 Look, there are many things to be said about this. Dean loves Patrick Swayze. Arguably has a CRUSH on Swayze. It's very tied up in Dean pretending not to like "chick flicks" but he secretly does, which is queer coding. This was a Choice™️.

Speaking of Choices™️: professional actors made many here. Deliberately. 

 Dean is smacked on the ass by a woman and then Lee smacks him on the ass too. Dean and Lee CONSTANTLY have physical familiarity and fond eye contact. I will limit myself to 1 paragraph about this lest I list it all.

My point is that I just really need every person to digest and accept the fact that this is textually bi Dean. Not subtext; it's TEXT. 

Dean and Lee had a relationship. Their history is alluded to in touch and in words. They had an orgy together. Dean's bisexuality is not repressed.

It's also now canon that Dean tries to hide that he can sing well. Most people don't know (like Sam) but some do (Lee). Hence "Eye of the Tiger" callback.

And so: that's also the implication for his sexuality. Dean singing ON STAGE with bi lighting is him being ready to be Out.

They dedicated an entire half an ep at minimum to emphasizing he's bi... and to Dean having a conversation with someone he (initially) trusts about potentially having a break from hunting, and what that could mean.

LEE: You're chasing missing persons, huh? I thought you'd be on to something bigger by now, like the Loch Ness Monster... Bigfoot.

DEAN: Trust me, uh, bigger doesn't always equal better. Besides, who's gonna look out after the little guy? God certainly isn't.

LEE: Damn, brother, that's dark.

DEAN: Yeah, it's been a rough, uh... it's been a rough decade, Lee.

LEE: Yeah.

DEAN: But that's a conversation for a different time, 'cause this, this right here, this is all right.

LEE: Well, I'm glad you approve. This is nothing you can't have, man.

DEAN: Oh, come on. Who's gonna kill the bad guys?

LEE: Somebody else. Dean, how many lives you think you saved, huh? Hundreds? Thousands? You deserve a break, bro. Hell, you might even deserve two.

"But Lee turns out to be a villain!" some might say. "Isn't the point that giving up hunting is bad?" 

Nope. 

Lee's a DARK MIRROR for Dean. He exists to exhibit the truths behind Dean's desires, and then what they'd look like if they turned bad. Take it from him: "I am you."

There are LAYERS here. You can't focus on the dark side and ignore the truths that take place in the (often bi) light. 

The singing? The conversations about taking a break? Throwing men out of the bar, which is framed heroically? "Road House rules" (another Choice™️)?

NONE of that was bad. It shows what Dean wants. 

Things only get bad–literally and visually–when Dean's tied up as Lee suddenly says wrong things in the dark. 

The contrast exists to show that maintaining Goodness is a choice, and Dean would have no problem upholding that.

LEE: It's called a marid. It's a freaky-looking little thing, isn't it? [Lee laughs, and Dean stares at him, incredulous] Ah. As long as you feed it, it gives you money, it gives you health, everything you dreamed of.

DEAN: And so, what, it just costs innocent lives?

LEE: Dean, you and I both know no one's innocent. After everything we've done, aren't... aren't we owed a little happiness, huh? Don't we deserve that much?

DEAN: Listen to yourself. "We're owed." "We deserve." Come on, man. You're not God. Hell, God's not even God.

LEE: Good or bad... the world doesn't care. No one cares, Dean.

DEAN: Well, I do.

LEE: Yeah. And that's what got you here. Now, takes a while to drain a man, but listen to me. Don't worry about it, all right? Don't worry because once you lose a couple of pints, you just fall asleep, and then it'll be over.

[Lee pats Dean on the shoulder]

DEAN: Lee.

LEE: This... this is not how I wanted this to go, Dean. When that blonde girl walked in here last night, I should've know, you know, Dean Winchester, the righter of wrongs, you were gonna keep digging, and you were gonna figure me out. And if it's got to be you or me, well, I got to pick me, man.

"No one cares, Dean."

"Well, I do."

It's a reminder to himself as much as it is to Lee. It's a re-centering of purpose that he sorely needs.

And what's also key? Lee is human, but is now a "monster" in Dean's words. Because Lee lost his ability to care, Dean can't abide by that.

(Side note: bonus for the fact that Lee dies up against a wall by being impaled and he coughs up blood. You know who doesn’t cough up blood in their very weird and unrealistic death scene? Dean in the finale.)

Remember: Lee is a dark mirror for Dean. "I am you." 

By fighting and (tragically) killing Lee, Dean "kills" the darker side of himself. The side that's struggling to keep going right now... AND the side that fears eventually wanting a break means you must be selfish and stop caring.

He can keep going. He can find strength to fight God–and in the end, take a break and CHOOSE peace. It won't make him dark. He's the most caring man on Earth, even when it's hard. That’s reinforced later. 

Isn't he owed a little happiness? And that's not in the having. It's in just being.

The bonus is what's going on with Cas in this episode. 

Dean's clearing his head and finding his center again while Cas is calling him. 

Come home. I need you. Remember what matters.

And again, contrast: Lee turns out not to be "real/true" in the way Dean thought he was. But Cas IS.

And after Dean goes through all of this... he's grounded again, he recognizes that even amongst questions of what God controls there are still choices to be made, he's reminded that letting his caring heart lead him is priority, he's lost another friend... 

He comes home to Cas.

It's awkward. They're still distanced. 

But this episode is a turning point for Dean. He's not angry at Cas anymore, he wants to talk, he's ready to move forward... he just doesn't know how to yet.

And if you follow the through-line... then you get Rowena saying "fix it"... and then after that is the Purgatory prayer.

I just !!! 

S15 is packed with Dean development to hone in towards the end of his arc, but "Last Call" manages to hit SO many buttons. 

• He's always been bi, & is ready to be Out

• He can want a break–& maybe run a bar like the Roadhouse

• Caring is at the core of who he is

It's about the CHOICE. It's about wanting to live your truths, and that "caring" can mean many things–from defeating God and saving the world, to making the hard choices when it counts, to maybe running a bar where people are safe.

14x10 and its matching Texan Star also say hello:

DEAN: How come you always have a boyfriend?

PAMELA: How come you only want what you can't have?

DEAN: Whoa.

PAMELA: Besides, you don't want me. You just like to flirt. I'm a psychic, so I kinda know.

DEAN: All right.

PAMELA: So, still not ready to sell the bar, huh? It's a lot of money.

DEAN: Sell? This bar? This is my dream.

PAMELA; Yeah.

And I recognize that rereading this info is sad(der) now because of what we got in the end, so uh... sorry. 

But that's half the point: it's repeatedly blatantly clear what we were meant to get, down to deliberate echoes in word choice–caring, happiness, deserve, even Roadhouse.

Dean was meant to choose to take a break, maybe run a bar–whether on Earth or in Heaven. At minimum, if Dean was meant to end up in Heaven, he was meant to choose it with eyes wide open. And the next time the phone rang with Cas' name (15x19), he RAN for him. He was VERY ready.

And the whole season tells you that. This episode is just my favorite.

So... thanks for letting me ramble on about it!!! 

DEAN WINCHESTER: BI ICON, ONCE-LOVER OF LEE WEBB, THE MOST CARING MAN ON EARTH WHO DESERVED TO CHOOSE PEACE AFTER GAINING HIS FREEDOM, & SOULMATE TO AN ANGEL

And a very big thank you to the talented kings Jensen Ackles & Christian Kane, and their longstanding friendship. They gave me many rights with their acting choices. 

Here's an iconic bonus for the road.

[highfaelucien]

While on the topic of wishing sjm had done something different for her characters, I really wanted something more for cassian. For example, cassian’s wings going from being completely ruined in the end of acomaf to being 100% healed in acowar made no sense to me. I think it would’ve been an opportunity for the growth of cassian’s character to see him go through the loss of losing the ability to fly and instead retrain himself to be a warrior in other ways and find other things about himself that prove his own worth to himself. Given the fact that cassian’s confidence is aligned with his ability to protect and serve others, it just would have been sooo good to see him overcome his grief and become even stronger of a character. And how wings, in general, are a sense of male pride among illyrians. I think this would’ve been the perfect way to write cassian and have him break away from his own idea of masculinity. He could have redefined what it meant for him to be a Man ™. Ugh, it just could have been so GOOD, imagine the character we could have gotten from him.

Listen, after ACOMAF, when this happened, EVERYONE was buzzing about this. Most people thought he wouldn't outright lose his wings permanently, but there would be a LOT required.

And then ACOWAR came and approximately nothing happened whatsoever. Oh he had to be healed. the healer had to rebuild his wings. he had to do strength training every day. But fundamentally: not a sausage.

Personally? I think Maas chickend out. I think she was unable to commit to taking Cassian's wings, or figuring out how to write him as anything other than what she's established him as: fun jock man who likes to hit things real hard and make dick jokes sometimes.

Having to see Cassian vulnerable? Having to see him broken, and struggling, and having to reevaluate his entire life and self-esteem and sense of masculinity would have been an incredible option for a character arc.

Most of the theorising/Nessian fics involved Nesta helping him. The two of them being broken/fundamentally altered by their experiences in Hybern - she being killed and Made with a dark power, Cassian losing his wings.

There was expected bonding over that, peeling away the masks they both wear to discover the softness underneath. The two of them being able to reach one another, because of their bond, in a way the others could not. It produced some pretty epic stuff, honestly.

And how badly I wanted that I didn't FULLY realise until the disappointment of ACOSF, when it hit fully.

Because instead of stripping Cassian back and seeing the tactician, the strategist, forcing him to put his other skills to use, to develop those skills, rather than 'smash with sword and ask questions later'. This man is a General. All the combat training in the world doesn't let you be good at this job if you can't command, if you can't use tactics, if you can't strategise.

And THIS is where I wanted to see Nesta. Nesta, the woman who calculated how many ships would be needed to save the humans of Prythian. The woman who looked at Greysen's manor and assessed its capabilities and saw a prison. The woman who devours history novels, who has a tactical, cunning mind. Who has never been a warrior or a creature of brute strength or physical abilities.

THIS is how I wanted to see Nesta evolve. This was how I wanted to see her develop. I didn't want her taken out of lady's dresses. I didn't want her forced into fighting leathers, to basically become another copy of her sister, and follow down that path.

I wanted her to take her own. I wanted her to finally be in a place where she could learn, and strategise, and contribute. And I wanted her to work with Cassian on this - who was grounded because of his wings, who couldn't command on the frontlines anymore, or even fight. Who had to stay back, and see how he handled this. How he maintained his authority. How he maintained his sanity without his wings.

We could have had so fucking much. Such a powerful narrative about survival. I wanted her in the library, with the other survivors, (and with fucking MORRIGAN - not sidelined, not dismissed, not being bitchy and catty for the sake of it. But someone who visits the library frequently, who interacts with the women there, and sometimes just is a woman there herself, because there are still hard days.)

But no. No instead of something nuanced, and original, and actually tailored to Nesta's strengths as a character, we got Yet Another Weapon's Trainng Montage.

We got the narrative that the only way to heal from abuse is to be able to beat the shit out of your abusers. Because that's #GirlPower, right?

It makes me so furious I almost want to just. Just fucking rewrite the whole damn fucking thing myself the way it SHOULD have gone.

And I know you talked about Cassian and not Nesta, so I do apologise, but they were tied together. But I agree.

We all wanted Cassian to evolve from that 'Lord of Bloodshed' / "savage brute" because reading between the lines and forcing some nuance from these books, which is the only way to survive: Cassian has a lot of layers. There's a lot of trauma there. A lot of insecurity. A lot of angst. A lot of heart. A lot of fucking INTELLIGENCE. (I'll fight on that point, I really will. Cassian is not a dumb himbo who can barely add 1 and 1).

But sjm was too busy writing him having a hard on for Nesta to explore....anything about himself. Or his relationship with Azriel, and Rhys, and Mor, and everyone else.

The removal (even temporarily) of his wings would have allowed for a LOT of that exploration.

Firstly, the fact that he injured them by CHOICE, saving Azriel's life. That would have been such a deep connection and bond between them. The guilt that Az would feel - but the potential for Cassian to step in, even with his wings gone, and say that he'd do it again.

Because Azriel is his brother. He loves him. And it was worth it. It would be worth it a hundred times over to save him. Because he's worth saving. And he's worth sacrificing for. And what that would have done for Az as a character, too. Who always offers himself up first for dangerous missions, puts himself in peril to protect the others.

And having Cassian join Feyre and Az's flying lessons? Because Cass having to relearn how to fly once (if) his wings healed to that extent, means letting Azriel train him. Because those old instincts aren't enough. And he has to learn how to strengthen them, and train with them. And how this affects his perception of himself and his masculinity, as he said. But also deepening his understanding for Az, and the bond the two of them share, in having this experience together.

Bonding with Rhys, who FINALLY fucking opens up to someone and has some nuanced therapy-like conversations about what happened with Amarantha. The sacrifces they've made for their people. How they'd do it again but it still hurts, and changes them, and how they have to learn and grow and move on from that and heal together.

Rhys working with Cassian on his other talents, using him as the skilled strategist and tactician he MUST be. Helping him to develop that, keeping his brother from losing his mind while he can't fight or use his physicality to solve problems, as he usually does.

Mor personally healing and tending to Cassian. Mor being there at his bedside every day while he was bed bound. Mor becoming as possessive and overprotective of both him and Az as any mate ever has been.

Mor speaking to him about her own rehabilitation after what her family did to her, the physical toll that took on her. Mor's heart breaking because she nearly lost both him and Az and she couldn't handle that at all. Mor reiterating how much she fucking loves him, and how she needs him.

Mor helping him through the darker days of his depression because she's been there. And she knows what it is to put on a front. To always be laughing, and joking, without the seriousness of life -leave that to the others. But sometimes it's too much and he needs to break down. And be angry. And furious. And hopeless. And scared. And that's what she's there for. Because she understands.

Mor winnowing him to his favourite spots that he can't fly to anymore, just so he can be there. The two of them spending time, and bonding, and developing that relationship we got in ACOMAF beyond 'we bicker constantly and drink together and make sexual innuendos'.

Even Amren showing up and doing her part. Snapping at him to stop brooding so much. But also bringing him some of her puzzles. Some of her favourite military history books (which she has anotated and edited to highlight the bits that have been incorrectly reported). Spending time with him to stop him going mad. Exhausting herself those first few days personally attending to Cassian's wings, and snarling at anyone who tried to interfere.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH.

IT COULD HAVE DEVELOPED SO MUCH WITH THE INNER CIRCLE. AND CASSIAN. AND NESSIAN. AND JUST. EVERYTHING WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER BUT NAW. IT WAS BASIC ASS AND BORING AND I'M GONNA DIE MAD ABOUT IT.

[maoam]

the person who sent the anti sns ask and said itachi would be a better option for sasuke to be in a relationship with...his BROTHER who abused him and ruined his life...i wouldn't respond to them because of that alone 🤢. and i don't care to defend naruto either even though i like him and sns but i'll just say team taka isn't a better relationship option for sasuke either, he doesn't see them that way at all, it's based on nothing. sasuke should have other bonds other than naruto but kishi just didn't develop team taka at all they are barely even friends and taka teamed up with him for their own personal reasons not because they cared about sasuke's justice. like it's unfair but sasuke having a great relationship with taka is fanon :/ naruto is flawed but him and sasuke just work together perfectly flaws and all. i don't know how else to describe their whole relatinship in a couple of sentences lol. maybe their relationship is hard to understand for people who can't read idk. and sasuke loving naruto is just part of his character, he can't help it. you can't say you understand sasuke if you don't get their relationship because it's basically the whole story and sns is a well developed relationship. you don't have to pair sasuke up with random characters he's not romantically interested in just because you don't like sns

It's so annoying to me how these people assume so much about me based on short vague answer to an anon, like that I'm Konoha stan or that I agree with everything Naruto did or said, or that I'm even talking about the kind of saving they were referring to. Especially when I specifically said in said answer that the ship might not be completely healthy but I do not care.

Sasuke's most important people are unfortunately very tied to Konoha, but let's not pretend Naruto ever did Sasuke the damage Itachi did. Not only he killed everyone Sasuke loved, but also forced him to watch it repeatedly, physically beat him, told him to live a miserable life and his final plan was literally to brainwash Sasuke. So I don't know how Sasuke is going to have a healthy relationship with someone he not only is unable to see in a healthy manner because their relationship was broken at the time Sasuke was 7 and looked up to him, but also because of how Itachi is.

As for Taka, I don't have as negative opinion as you, but the idea they completely understand Sasuke is wrong obviously. And I don't think Naruto and Sasuke can really have a successful relationship with other people.

[c0smicheaux]

Synastry House Series-Ascendant in the houses

First house-

With one’s Ascendant falling in someone’s first house for some can mean they have the same rising sign, if not the ascendant sign often has to do with first impressions that we show to the world and this can show that these two will more than likely be able to see the world in the same view and have similar likes and dislikes. While this may seem like a favorable indication for a relationship, too much similarity tends to create tension and sense of boredom. Both partners understand how the other person approaches the world the way they do. There is understanding why each other feels the way they do or why they might put on a face even if the other themselves do not approach the world in the same way. It feels as no one has to explain themselves.

Second house-

There is an attraction for the Ascendant person’s style when the second house partner sees them, almost immediately drawn towards them. House will be drawn to the Ascendant partner’s style, beauty, and the confidence that the Ascendant person radiates, the house person will bring up the ascendant partner’s confidence if it’s low, boost up physical attraction and feelings of passion in house. There can be some comfort in similar things that they both enjoy.The house person may bring out a more indulgent side of the Ascendant partner, the house person can also give the Ascendant person comfort and feelings of security in a relationship.

Third house-

There is a familiarity for third house person when someone’s Ascendant lands in third house synastry, a familiarity of even almost sibling like. There can be at often times an easy, smooth harmony flow between these two and the house person can get the Ascendant partner to open up quicker than anyone before. The basic spiritual awareness of the Ascendant person will have an influence on how the house partner’s thinking and mental attitudes, may even be able to manipulate house depending on rest of the chart. The ideas and mental confidence, the way that the house partner does communication more than likely have an influence over the self-image and basic attitude and of the Ascendant person.

Fourth house-

There will be strong emotional ties in the fourth house’s family relationships, whether they are good or bad when they met someone whose Ascendant lands in fourth house synastry. The ascendant partner’s actions and self-expression can have quite a strong emotional impact on the house person as the fourth house represents our deep locked away emotions and seeing how the Ascendant person shows that willingly to the world, could try to open themselves up a little more than they normally would. There is also an influence that can involve the house person’s family and domestic affairs. The house partner can provide a home and comfort for Ascendant to be able to freely express themselves without judgement.

Fifth house-

The house of romance, children, creativity, and pleasure is the theme of this synastry, most likely to be a romantic attraction as the fifth house partner is quickly find themselves in an immediate interest in the Ascendant person. This overlay can also bring a strong competitiveness between the partners as the Ascendant person will inspire the house partner to bring out their creative ideas to show the world. To the house partner, the ascendant person is their ideal or dream romantic type, but it’s the ascendant and appearances can be misleading, regardless, these two can have a lot of fun together. The house person could bring a boost to the Ascendant person’s ego, placing them on some pedestal, but house needs to be cautious about this as they may not receive the same attention in return.

Sixth house-

Sixth house synastry for someone’s Ascendant to land in brings an attention to house person’s overall health and routine, possibly enhancing house’s life and health even bringing a positive boost to the self-worth of the house partner. This can indicate a smooth working environment or where there is cohabiting in some form together. The house person is able to show the Ascendant partner a orderly structure to the relationship, being helpful towards Ascendant, the Ascendant person ends up willingly want to become a better person. This can be a good placements for roommates and coworkers if the rest of the chart is good, other wise there is a chance that the Ascendant person could bring on more stress and tension to the house person’s routine.

Seventh house-

There may not be an instant connection like there is with fifth house Ascendant synastry, but when in the seventh house there is still a strong connection between the two partners that cant keep the two away from each other, there may just be a phase of awkwardness to overcome. The Ascendant person represent everything the house person sees in a partner and may not realize til later how much they want the Ascendant partner around. The Ascendant person may be the one who approaches the house partner as they are quick to catch the Ascendant’s eyes quick. House here is able to make the Ascendant partner feel cared about and whether this is a relationship or a friendship a sense of balance and comfort for each person here to be relax and themselves freely. 

Eighth house-

This may not be an easy synastry when someone’s Ascendant lands in another’s eighth house at first for sure, the Ascendant partner is openly what the house person see as intense and taboo sort of style. There is along the road as the relationship grows, an encouragement for each other to make greater efforts towards physical and spiritual self-improvement as the eighth house also represents the house of transformation. The house partner can have a strong spiritual or occult influence on the Ascendant person’s consciousnesses and self-awareness being able to show Ascendant person the complexity and depth of their mind and what they likely take for granted that they do not realize they are doing,  all while the Ascendant person can help open up the house person, getting them to talk about things they consider taboo.

Ninth house-

It can feel like these two have an endless amount of topics to talk about when there is Ascendant ninth house synastry. The house partner will feel like the Ascendant person sees the world pretty closely to how they see it, the Ascendant partner can give an energy boost to help support whatever active cause that the house person is doing. There is an encouragement from the house partner to help the Ascendant person to work on bettering their spiritual self, bring on improvements to their self expression, and anything else that will bring a positive effect. These two can be natural friends and enjoy each other’s company, able to talk for hours about their worldview they can also find themselves getting excited about similar things and the Ascendant partner could talk house into making whatever dream come to reality while house can make the Ascendant partner question everything.

Tenth house-

When there is is tenth house synastry there will be some attention to happen, including Ascendant synastry. The house person will have an influence over the Ascendant person to become  mature and serious with their self-expression and approach to their career life and status taking more cautious steps in personal actions. These two can have a very similar view and approach to the world, agreeing often and having similar career choice or pursuits, and if the rest of the chart is not badly aspected there could be help from each other to achieve those goals for their path. Of course there may be some envy going on for the house partner as the Ascendant person is exactly what the house partner dreams to be.

Eleventh house-

Having someone’s Ascendant land in the eleventh house in synastry can have an instant connection for these two people. The Ascendant person will feel like they are truly accepted by the house partner and feel welcomed with the feeling they can be their true self around house. The house partner will be accepting of the Ascendant person quickly because the Ascendant embodies outward what the house person holds dearly, but there needs to be some caution as it could turn out the Ascendant person is not what they seem at first and come off ass a completely different person from when they first met. An encouragement for these two however can happen as they both can have a spiritual awareness develop and together they are able to express their unique creative skills.

Twelfth house-

Twelfth House Ascendant synastry can be tricky as this is the house of enemies and soulmates. The house person can have this strong psychic influence over the Ascendant partner, which can be either very spiritually uplifting or feel like there is gonna be a psychological war going on. The house person can help show the Ascendant partner learn how to embrace what they enjoy that they normally wouldn’t do around anyone. House could also help open them up spiritually, being able to go deep into the mind of the Ascendant partner able to examine their dreams and subconscious desires and help become a better person.

[radiorenjun]

twisted strings || lee donghyuck

➶ pairing: lee donghyuck x reader

➶ genre: angst. angst. JUST ANGST. twisted string soulmate!au, non-idol!au

➶ word count: 3.1k

➶ synopsis: you and donghyuck were one of the rare soulmate couples unlucky enough to be cursed by your own string

➶ warnings: y/n and donghyuck have somewhat of a toxic relationship, mentions of surgery, injuries, drinking, arguments, hyuck being selfish, character death!

➶ a/n: I am not romanticizing or support toxic relationships. This is purely fictional and if you do not like such topics, kindly move on. Have a good day. 

➶ based on the song 'Evelyn, Evelyn' by Evelyn Evelyn

“Y/N.” 

“Donghyuck.” 

God makes mistakes sometimes. One of the greatest mistakes was the soulmate system. It is often believed that if you meet your soulmate before the age of 14, you were set for a doomed relationship. Unfortunately for you and Lee Donghyuck, you found each other when you both were only 5 years old.  Upon meeting each other for the first time, the string tied to your pinkies had intertwined the both of your hands together, making it impossible for the two of you to physically separate.

The day you met Donghyuck was considerably one of the worst moments of your life. You were both trapped in each other's special bond. The string that was supposed to connect the two of you together became a cage, one that you could not get out of until death tears you apart. Soulmates were supposed to love each other but the twisted string binding the two of you together only made you desire for freedom even more.

“Why do we bother to stay?”

“Why are you running away?” 

You two were soulmates after all. The twisted string was a rare phenomenon that only happens to one in 50 million people around the world. You’ve been sticking to each other for so long, you can’t stand being with each other considering you couldn’t have your own privacy anymore. When your parents took you to the doctor back when you were younger, the doctor suggested surgery to remove the bond.

But the risk was too high. Removing your string could result in one of you dying, your parents didn’t want you to go through with it. But as you grow older into your teenage years, your relationship becomes even more unhealthy. Donghyuck was beginning to think the risk of getting the surgery was worth it. While you, on the other hand, all you wanted was to get along with Donghyuck. You didn’t want to run away from your relationship, you wanted to fix it. But unfortunately, Donghyuck didn’t have the same mindset.

“Don’t you feel like severing?”

“Everything’s just come together at last.” 

“We’re broken, why would you want to play?”

Donghyuck felt like this life was all just God’s game. An entertainment for him. He couldn’t bear the thought of living by your side at every second of the day, but yet again, you would always turn down his offer of getting the surgery. You were scared. He was too. You both wanted to be happy. Donghyuck felt like the time you spend alone with each other was a complete waste, he rather used his time to do other things like developing talents and doing things he used to enjoy like playing soccer or baking cookies with his mother.

You, however, felt like you should be more grateful for this opportunity. You’ve heard a countless amount of stories about those who lost their soulmates before they could meet them or those who never found their soulmate. You didn’t like the toxicity your relationship holds, but you couldn’t help but hope that maybe one day that things would change between the two of you.

After all, at some point in your lives. There was a time when the two of you actually fell in love with each other. 

At least, that’s what you want to believe. 

“We grew up closer than most”

“Closer than anything”

When you were younger, your foolish selves believed that the two of you would get through living a happy life living by each other’s sides for the rest of time. But of course, those are just nonsensical ramblings of young children. Nothing good lasts forever. You’d like to believe that Donghyuck loved you at some point in your lives, just like you loved him. Even if that love is no more, you couldn’t help but hope.

Life was playing an amusing game with the two of you. The longer you both spend time with each other, the more broken your relationship becomes. The more broken your relationship becomes, the stronger Donghyuck’s urge to cut you off from his life becomes. And as more time goes on, you start to think if things would be better if you get the surgery. If one of you dies, at least one of you will have a chance of living a happier life, right?

“Shared our beds”

“But wore different clothes”

Your parents didn’t know what to do when you first met. When you were younger they would arrange an organized schedule of who gets the two of you in their home for the week like a child with divorced parents. It wasn’t like your parents didn’t like you being together like this. Your parents treated Donghyuck as their own son and his parents treated you as if you were their own daughter. But you both knew that deep down, they’d like to have their own child back without their soulmates sticking to them like some kind of weird sloth.

“Talked about everything”

“Spoke about so many things”

You spent years of your life together talking about anything and everything in an attempt to heal your relationship despite the fact that you two knew that it was getting you nowhere. You often asked questions like “what shall we wear tonight?” or “what shall we do today?” 

“Can we go ice skating?”

“But we just did that yesterday”

You were both different people with different personalities and different interests. Unlike Donghyuck, you had thrown away your hopes of ever achieving those big dreams of yours a long long time ago, but always felt nice to dream of what you could be if you weren’t so hopeless. 

“Should we be firemen?”   

“Can we be astronauts?”

You were often looked down upon by your classmates when you were still in elementary school. The teachers would always scold them for constantly making fun of your intertwined hands being stuck together by the string. They would always tell your classmates to be nice and to invite the two of you to play with them.  But alas, children are children. They don’t understand what words and actions could do to someone else.

Often, the teachers would make you join in on their little game of tag or hide and seek. It was quite difficult for the both of you to participate, it wasn’t like the two of you were telepathic. You constantly spend the first few seconds arguing where to go or where to hide which ends the two of you being caught before you could even have a chance to actually have fun. And eventually, your classmates would ignore your presence if the two of you participated.

“What if they find us?” you asked one day while playing hide and seek with your peers, crouching down to ensure that your body is safely hidden. Donghyuck lets out a small scoff, outstretching his legs as he leaned his back against the wall with a heavy sigh before looking down at your intertwined bond. “They’re not looking anyway,” he shook his head. 

These days, your conversations were always the same. Dull and monotonous. Filled with hopelessness and despair. Eyes filled with exhaustion and distress. Faces void of emotion as you both stared at the dull grey ceiling. 

“Y/n.” 

 “Donghyuck.”

“Why do we bother to stay?”

“Why are you running away?”

“Don’t you feel like severing?”

“Everything’s just come together at last”

“We’re broken, why would you want to play?”

“Fill my glass,” Donghyuck ordered, making you reach your hand out to fill his glass with wine. At the age of nineteen, the love between the two of you was nonexistent. You both had to deal with the excruciating truth that you’re going to be stuck together forever. “Why are we weeping?” you muttered under your breath as you slumped against the sofa beside him. Donghyuck ignored you as he sipped his drink with an annoyed roll of his eyes.

“At your side”

“I feel like a ghost” 

You never knew about this. But Donghyuck was always the one to wake up first every morning. And every morning, he couldn’t help but turn over to stare at you as you sleep. Knowing how creepy it is, Donghyuck couldn’t help but admire your content expression. The way your eyelashes hovered over your skin, the way your lips part slightly. He would never tell this to your face. But he loved waking up to see the innocence glossing over your sleeping state.

Despite the many arguments you two get into with each other on a daily basis, it felt nice to lay down in silence with the comforting thought of the two of you having your own peaceful moments every morning. But of course, as soon as you wake up, Donghyuck is back to looking at you as if you were the bane of his existence. 

In retrospect, Donghyuck viewed you as someone who needs to get off of his back. Quite literally. He wanted you to let go of him, he wanted to live his own life where he doesn’t have to put up with you being constantly beside him. He knew you were his soulmate, but he didn’t know if he loved you or hated you. All he knows is that he just wants you to leave him be and have his privacy.

Everyday was just the same. There was nothing new to the two of you. Your days of living with each other always goes by the same questions over and over again.

“What shall we wear tonight?”

“What shall we eat today?”

“Do you think we’ll get married someday?” you asked him one day, looking at the loving couple across the street from you as you both stood in front of the bus stop side by side with equally emotionless expressions. Donghyuck took a small glance at you, unsurprisingly you were saying it with a hopeless expression. Why did you have to ask such a question when you know very well what the answer was going to be?

“We discussed this yesterday,” Donghyuck replied shortly, keeping his eyes on the empty road as people continued to walk past you. His eyes wandered to those who walked alone with hands in their pockets. Then his eyes wandered to those holding hands with their soulmates, gazing lovingly at them as if they were the brightest star in their eyes. Donghyuck then looked back at you, his half-lidded eyes scanning your broken figure that mirrored his own. Was he willing to marry someone as broken as he is?

“Should we be movie stars?” 

“Will we be millionaires?”

But can someone broken still talk about dreams as if they still have hope in their lives? Donghyuck never knew what’s the point in these wishful conversations. It was just hurting the both of you even more as time went by. You knew conversations about the things you know you’ll never be was just getting your hopes up. But life seemed too dim for the both of you, you couldn’t help but hold onto these late night conversations as if it was the only thing keeping you grounded.

“I want to be famous.”

“They’re watching us anyway.”

Donghyuck had always wanted to be a singer since he was a child. He loved to sing and dance before he met you. His parents were ready to support him in his dreams, his future was bright as heaven’s gate when he realised he had actual potential of being a star. But that can’t happen. Not with you by his side.

A part of you thought that the reason Donghyuck had always hated you was because you ripped him away from his dreams and his own privacy. You couldn’t blame him for being angry at you. But you knew that deep down, he was also at fault, too. If the two of you hadn’t met all those years ago, you’d probably be in a much healthier and happier place by now. 

You both would probably be in a better place by now if fate hadn’t decided to let you meet that day.

“We grew up so very close.”

“A parasite needs a host,” Donghyuck spat at you, venom and malice lacing his tone as he pushed away his plate of food aggressively across the table. It was another one of those arguments. You two were getting sick of each other. You were at a breaking point. Donghyuck was discussing about getting the surgery again and as usual, he snaps at you harshly whenever you decline the offer. But you couldn’t help but retort back at his snarl.

“I’m only trying to do what is best for us!”

“Well I never wanted this. I never asked for this. All that I want is some time to myself!”  

“Donghyuck…”

“Just get away from me! Please just stop touching me! You’re always trying to be somebody else!”

Donghyuck believed that deep down you were just putting up a fake act. He believed that all this talk about you not getting the surgery for the sake of the both of your safety was all just buffoonery. He thought that you just want to see him live a miserable life along your side for the rest of your lives. He views you as some kind of parasite sticking onto his body. 

He was too blinded by selfishness to see the good side in this situation you were both stuck in.

“I just realise I’m not alone.”

You were afraid. If you took the surgery, you were afraid that Donghyuck was going to die instead of you. He may not like you, but you didn’t want to live with the overwhelming burden that you killed your own soulmate, even if it wasn’t your idea to do the surgery. You didn’t want to live without Donghyuck either. You wanted someone to love. Unfortunately for you, Donghyuck didn’t want the same thing.

“Well you’re only scared of me.”

“But you never cared for me!”

“Why don’t you let me free?”

“Cause you never dared to be!”

 Spewing insults and cries back and forth was all the only thing you’ve been doing the past couple of years. You were both tired. Tired of living like this. Living in misery and despair. You knew you weren’t going to be happy in this life, but you also knew you didn’t want to sacrifice Donghyuck just because he wanted it. In Donghyuck’s mind, all there is to think about was how life would be so easier if you cut the damn string off of your body. How everyone would be much happier if you just agreed to the surgery.

“Cause you never listen, you’re always insisting!”

“Just stop reminiscing!” ¦¦ “I’m just reminiscing!”

“I feel something missing.”

“I just want you here with me.” ¦¦ “I just want my privacy.”

“God, can’t we just get along!?” ¦¦ “God, won’t you leave me alone?!”

That was it. That was your breaking point. 

You finally agreed to the surgery without hesitation, your eyes no longer held a single ounce of light and hope in them as you signed the papers willingly. Donghyuck couldn’t say anything else to you either. He finally got you to sign the papers and do the surgery but why didn’t he feel as ecstatic as he should be? Why was his heart still so empty? Why couldn’t he find the enthusiasm in him as you both got into your robes, preparing for the surgery.

You haven’t spared the slightest glance at him since the argument you two had the other night. But then again, why would you? You finally agreed to signing either yours or Donghyuck’s life to death, there was no need for you to feel anything about it. You prayed to God that Donghyuck would be the one to survive, no matter how bad he has treated you in almost the past two decades, you still prayed for his survival.

“Y/n.”

“Donghyuck.”

The doctors placed masks over your mouths, informing you that they were going to start the anesthesia with a concentrated expression on their face. Donghyuck looks over to you to give you one last look, his eyes becoming half-lidded when he sees your content face resting right beside him. The way your eyes slowly shut when the gas kicked in, he practically saw your hopeless pupils shining before his own eyes started to get droopy. For once in years, he squeezed your hand encouragingly in his, feeling the string tighten around your body as he does. 

“Y/n.” 

“Donghyuck.”

He felt your hand squeeze back softly, making his heart flutter for the first time in ages before he finally succumbs into a deep sleep. 

“Y/n.”

“Donghyuck.”

As Donghyuck opens his eyes, he finds himself in a hospital room, A heart monitor placed right beside him, beeping loudly to signal the calming beating of his heart. He sat up slightly, his body feeling weak and sore. He examined his body, stitches and gauze were everywhere and all around his arms. The strings that he had gotten used to seeing wrapped around his body were nowhere in sight. 

It worked. The surgery worked. 

“Y/n.”

He was no longer stuck to your body anymore. He was finally able to live his life as freely as he wanted. He could hardly believe his own eyes as he pressed both of his palms against his face, pinching himself to see if this was just some kind of weird dream. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. God, when was the last time he smiled like this.

He couldn’t wait to do the things he’s always wanted to do. He couldn’t wait to go home to his parents and see the baffled looks on their faces once they see him as a whole happy person again. He couldn’t wait to tell all his friends that he could finally drink with them without you getting on his back for drinking too much- 

Wait. You. Where were you? 

“Y/n.”

His head shot up, looking around to see if you were in the same room as he was. His heart raced when he saw the empty bed next to his. Have you gone home without him? Or did you wake up way earlier than he did? Why didn’t you wait for him to wake up? Where have you gone? Why weren’t you right next to him? He was supposed to be the first one to wake up to see the peaceful expression on your sleeping face. He was supposed to be the first one to tell you that this surgery would be the best decision you two have ever made.

The clipboard filled with data the doctor left on the table beside him had all the answers to his question. Donghyuck used a weak hand to grab the papers and set them on his lap, carefully picking each and every one of them up, his eyes quickly scanning the letters printed onto it. From what he can conclude, your soulmate string was cut off and donated to science. The surgery took about 4-5 hours and he had been resting for about two days.

He also concluded that you had died in the middle of surgery. 

“Y/n.”

“Y/n.”

“...”

“Why didn’t we try to stay?”

“You wanted to keep running away.”

“Why did we agree to severing?”

“Everything’s over at last.”

“I’m broken. Let’s play this game again.”

if you haven’t noticed. Hyuck is in bold. Y/n is in italic. Both is both. 

This was a new writing style I wanted to try out and it’s not my best work but I think it’s pretty good enough to post.

[whatisgoingonpaul]

Lost boys backstorys

I made a post while ago on my ideas of the boys past but now I want to update it. I just want you to know I’m still a firm Prequel lover/follower however we don’t get much info on the boys Pre 1906, so that’s what this is for! However personally I would have had more Max so this is going to be both pre 1906 but also include relationship with Max a bit.

I am also including my personal ideas on Last names and age. However I am under the idea that they wouldn’t know/take their last name seriously if the did know it cause- ya know. Orphans. This is going to be lengthy and I’m going to pin it, not just because I want it seen but also to remind myself in fic writing (when I don’t follow these ideas in a fic it’s gonna be Marked as Au- as I’ll probably be messing around with a different past.)

I’ll be doing appearance but only physical as there’s some stylistic changes. For clothing? Honestly so thinking workers clothes/cowboy esc

Also! Their stories are all going to kinda intertwine so I’d there’s not enough info under one theirs a solid chance there’ll be more for them under someone else’s!

David Hardy-

Age(as of 1906): 19

Born: 1887

Appearance: Average height, his hair a dirty blond- near reddish and is around shoulder length. Bearded. (Think doc but with slightly updated clothing)

Backstory:

David Is the only of the boys to grow up with at least one of his parents, living with his mother until her death when he was around 7. They lived in a decent, though cramped little space in San Francisco, by the docks. His father worked on and off- a not so stable style ending in him getting involved in not doing saviory things - getting arrested. His mother worked as a washerwoman. David worked the streets awhile, as a young child now left alone, he learned to pickpocket and live off what he could manage. It was around this time he had found Marko- doing the same thing he was - though arguably less effectively do to his more sporadic nature. At around age 10 the two became extremely close and rather inseparable, Marko even looking up to him despite being the older of the pair. However david wasn’t one to living completely criminal like... he did NOT want to be his father, which lead him to not drinking , EVER. (Even as a vampire he still doesn’t do alcohol.) he poked towards more honest work, also forcing Marko into doing the same , which he wasn’t exactly thrilled about- but did anyway. Tried. David did a lot of work on the docks, odd jobs and stuff like that- but it never paid even half as good as nabbing a wallet or cheating at cards. He wouldn’t be his father- he’d be better- better then all the nobody’s. More level headed then Marko though  ambitious, big headed and still wildly child like- eventually Paul , Dwayne and Jasper joining the pair. Well now, David had himself a full on gang. Never robbery, not that far. The group pickpocketed , cheated at any sort of game or match, that sort of thing... they were still young after all. Smart enough not to go wild like some famous bandit (Though David will admit to his slight admiration of Billy the kid.). He’s a quick learner, and when he learns something- he learns it well- becomes a damn near expert. When he is good at something he is good at it. He is the leader out of the groups mutual respect towards him , quick thinker. Notable flaws: Huge ego, hopeless romantic.

Marko Connelly-

Age(as of 1906): 20

Born: 1886

Appearance: on the shorter side, golden - darker brown hair in this fluff of ringlets it’s long about just past his shoulder blades and typically tied back. Usually dirty somehow (Think Poli but with longer hair and updated clothing)

Backstory:

Born to a rich family , one of those who moved from east to west and actually did make it big. He was a pretty little thing, more a doll to his mother then particularly a child- only taken from Nanny to be dotted over or photos taken. However around the age of 3 or 4 things had tipped, scandal! Missing. That is what the newspapers said anyway he was found missing- was it that he was given away? Or stolen? He was never particularly a child to be quite or sit still or anything such as that... so who is to say? Marko doesn’t remember a lick of that either way as he was far far to young for it but he does remember being alone. This is how he had grown his attachment to birds, they always stuck around. He grew comfortable with being alone, having himself to depend on, getting good at grabbing what he needs- A mansion is stark contrast to dirty winding alleyways. He was always cursed with his looks- even filth covered at 6 he could make sad eyes and tend to swindle whatever he wanted... but he wasn’t completely quick. He’d get in trouble, his face memorable he could rarely pass the same trick again. At 11 David came across him, the two started working and living together (that is where they could find a place to sleep.) he sort of gained this complex. He felt he owed David , in some strange sense he became attached at the hip- a helper, a second- almost servant like the guy had saved his life and he is now the others. It didn’t help that at a young age, Marko had developed what was come to be understood as a deep crush- at times as teens this was reciprocated. As loyal and loving as he was to the other male he wasn’t nearly as cautious, as rule following... he had come to despise authority, to despise the fancy, the rich all of the crowd. He was never sure why. Even regular work got on his hate list... but he gave in and would try to do a normal amount pf work.. it never really worked as there was something, how he would sass, how he looked or smelled or spoke (neither him nor David really spoke ‘proper’ English - meaning no slang or accent). Around when Paul came things started to shift in the group, more mouths- more work and more thinking. Oh yea David and his thinking. Marko is a bit hostile right off the bat when it comes to people he doesn’t know, eventually he cracks and will be more loyal to you then to anyone you’d ever know. He opened up to Paul, a lot sooner then he would have thought the guy was funny and sweet - lil stupid too. David had this grand idea of a little gang, naturally Marko was all for it because illegal activity is fun- it was like a game to him. A liked stealing from pockets and playing distraction for David, as time grew he began to hate how young and gentle his face appeared to be. He LOATHED absolutely appalled the pity glances he would get, the hand outs the whole “oh you poor fragile little dear 🥺” he hated being babied and still does. He hated the stares he got on the opposite direction ... at first, it was funny, it was nice to be wanted in that sense rather then some baby. However... it grew creepy, it wasn’t women or a fella his age...it was more the gaze of older men. Marko detested it so much- he KNEW he’s seen what some of the guys... even younger then him ended up doing- he could see the occasional look in david’s eye. No he would never really consider....no. Paul was more his shoulder to cry on, someone to go to , to ramble to to speak with and just be with. The two were touchy, always leaning against eachother or grabbing their arms, laughing or sleeping or- eventually it became more then casual, it was serious. The two started ‘dating’ at some point- none of them were ever serious on titles but it was good to put a word to it.

Paul campbell-

Age (as of 1906) : 18

Born: 1888

Appearance: tall and lengthy, he has a mole on his left cheek, he has stubble/shadow opposed to a beard. He’s also usually dirty, dirty blond , long hair think Buffalo bill with volume and his hairline not receding

Backstory:

Grew up in a orphanage, hundreds of kids all stuffed together into a few rooms, often sharing beds and everything else. He was never a still child, he would always figit and move and shift - whenever he’s supposed to be quite or still like lessons or Mass he just couldn’t. This - got him most of the attention from the mistresses and overseers- much more quick to slap then to explain... he was docile , quick to flinch and try and stop. Never worked well. Once you get to 7-8ish you work if not adopted by a decent age. Sweeping, factory work he tried it all. He was particularly desensitized to violence at a extremely young age while working in a textile factory- he’s seen a kids arm come clean off. Terror turns to fascination eventually. At some point he’d stopped returning at night finding David and Marko at 15, he started hanging with them- it was safer in numbers that sort of thing- Paul could read a bit , David could write a bit- the three worked it out together. always so distracted- the others learned right off the bat he wasn’t built for pick pocketing no matter how hard he begged about it. Instead he’d do real jobs- sweeping , fighting, placing crooked bets that sort of thing. He always complains. A massive softie since he was young, Paul can’t quite handle being on his own- he’s used to having at least one other person around him at all times causing him to get quite hooked onto the other boys. He hovers around the same places. He is also a fan of dancing- Paul- is music obsessed the moment he heard the first noise of any sort of music he was hooked. He is one about fun- being restrained from it for so long as a child- always to sit out and watch or to think about whatever he did.. oh. Dancing, drinking, drugs, clubs, all of it is his kind of deal- he would drag the others with him when they had a bit of extra cash to deal with. Dwayne and his brother, when they joined on he was instantly accepting, unlike Marko he didn’t have the deep seeded trust issues, he was immediately touchy and happy to share a joke or a comment no matter the glares. He is the one to get Dwayne to lighten up a little bit, to smile he loves to see that smile :). He got around to dating Marko, when they finally put a label on it he was really giddy about it, making jokes and comments- he adores the little names like ‘sweetheart’ or ‘bo’ - he eventually gets around to just plain ‘sugar’ . Marko is the one who really entertains Paul’s love for dancing, the two of them trying to get the others to do something lighten up- eventually their pawing would bare fruit. Paul makes the best out of the worst situation, even if they end up sleeping on the beach more often then not- he somehow makes it seam alright. Except that one time he had gotten sand in Dwayne’s eye and all hell broke lose. He is the current youngest member of the group after Jaspers passing.

Dwayne Maher

Age (as of 1906) : 22

Born: 1884

Appearance: Tall, muscular , tanned(I will establish this now but Dwayne is Native American.) long Black hair with burnet highlights, reaches half down his back.

Backstory:

Born out more Midwest unlike the others he was not born in San Francisco, eldest son of a decent sized family of four kids. Do to conflict he and his younger brother skipped town, skipped state and fled to California.. better options you know?. He’s strong built, hard working and good with his hands though, rather playful most of the time. He looks after his younger brother closely, when there is work they work the same place, when there is not they both still do the same. Quickly took to David and the gang , having a tight knit bond with each of them. He was sort of the muscle - if there was trouble, he knew how to fight and it would likely work better then the knives the boys carried around or the gun David could barely shoot. It was Paul who got him to open up more, about himself and just to speak in general, he’s much more under his breath and jokingly commenting then he is saying something out loud- however if he dislikes something or thinks it stupid you WILL know it. Like David he carries the occasional thought of caution, however he’s not nearly as quick to worry. Maher is not his actual last name , nor does he ever mention it- he simply uses this one when it’s needed as some sort of identification or document. He’s surprisingly good at money, he ends up counting with David and is better at budgeting no matter how he may want or need something. He doesn’t speak on his past as he tries to make it seam he has little of one, he likes to make things mysterious he finds it amusing.

Jasper Maher-

Age (as of 1906) : 16

Born: 1890

Died: 1906

Appearance: shoulder length black hair, typically tied back and braided , tanned, string bean.

Backstory:

The younger brother of Dwayne who is much much more open on how he grew up, casually mentioning things he learned from his parents of his brother (he doesn’t remember his parents that much.) young hot shot sort of kid who’d much rather have action then he would some serious job, loud, energy filled and one for violence- however he’s surprisingly sweet. He often got himself and his brother into trouble. He was a quick and fast young child who grew surprisingly closest with Marko, the two having a habit for breaking every possible rule they could manage together. Their close friendship lead to Marko naming one of his birds after Jasper long after his passing.

Max-

Unknown age but he is seen as extremely old and powerful

Relationship with the boys:

After finding them he has decided to take them under his metaphorical and physical wing, acting as a sort of guardian. Food, clothing, shelter, he was everything the boys didn’t have and was surprisingly inviting in the beginning. ‘I do this for you, you on occasion do this for me’ sort of deal. He wasn’t a leader so much as he was a usual figure, the boys knew and understood him to be above them... so they followed you know? The whole new vampirism thing and the clueless kids- he had to explain and show nearly everything... especially to David, he wasn’t so much harsh to him as he was strict- more of a lead by example sort. Honestly he was father like in a strange sense- that someone is almost like a parent but very much your boss. See... with Max’s strength, there’s this almost automatic level of control- you can’t say no to him. You literally can’t not do what he asks (some supernatural level messing-). There’s something dark about him, in him that the boys still don’t understand in the 80s- but it scares them. It’s strange, it feels unlike him... he seams just like a Dorky , sweet man until...

Some random thoughts that don’t really fit anything

The boys are explicitly religious, past what you’d hear in passing or remember from growing up. Saying “oh god” and respecting religious officials are about what you’ll get

Whoopsies! This was a extremely long post lmao. Sorry for the long read but I could go on and on about them this was just a small blurb to all of it. If you ever wanna hear more do tell me. Also tell me if I should add tw for anything as I know I got a little dark at some points.

[aks3raao1]

Me, to Luja: So tell me about yourself

Luja: No

Me: ...ma'am I need to write the story—

Luja: Good luck <3

[now that I do think of it, ALTERNATIVE's main duo that's established right at the beginning is literally a chiller but edgier Katsuki and way worse sUrViVe Nagito genderbends]

~~~~~~

Luja Sen, she/her

Anyways, Luja and Romila are friends from middle school (the story starts with the beginning of their high school at AoS (Academy of the Specialised) which was essentially founded by Nyx). Luja gains her Specialisation (Ferrokinesis: The Ability to bend metal) at the age of twelve, so she has it for a lesser time period than Romila.

Luja primarily wants to become a scientist. Her family is happy with that, because it's praised and everything, especially in our society.

She has a gifted child superiority complex. Being a gifted child + Specialised means that she hardly had many friends in school. Her family had tried to get her to socialize....which didn't go down too well.

She believes that most people are annoying because they waste too much time on useless things like gossiping and what not, which she never showed much interest in and doesn't like to be dragged into those nonsense.

She is friends with Romila since they do share the same taste in stuff and were the only Specialised ones in their class. And they kinda stuck together for most of middle school and went into high school.

She has a problem when it comes to seeing Romila since she tends to see her bad parts and is like, "It's a phase" considering that it's not necessarily affecting her. Romila doesn't get too cranky with her since she fascinates her, with her passion™ for science. Also because she isn't all self sacrifice UwU.

Luja cares for her own self above others (but tends to put Romila pretty close to that hierarchy, which is why she's one of the only two Romila trusts during the Mansion of Death (the other person is Kratanos)) however she also does want to keep what friends she has and is generally caring towards them.

She has a genuine love for science and loves to discover how things work and why, and her favourite facet is Physics. She does want to invent things and honestly just make stuff easier for the Specialised who face a LOT of issues, especially when it comes to amenities since the government is an ass about accomodations and they gained the Fundamental Rights like ten years or so ago in the ALTERNATIVE timeline. And they gain an additional right ("The body won't be harmed for science") when they graduate from school, after signing a contract that they dedicate themselves to helping the government when called upon. (The whole contract is stupid and basically oppresses them more especially the punishment for not abiding by it).

With her goal of becoming a scientist, she wants to use her talents to make accomodations specifically for them so that she could have done something.

The things she fears the most is failure. Failing as in being unable to accomplish her goals. She is afraid of it because it's an unknown variable that's constantly haunted her and she's working hard for it to never reach her.

I suppose there's a way for her to confront that fear during the Mid terms at AoS where she essentially "loses" in the practicals due to her......teamwork issues.

Everyone thinks of her as stuck up and isn't interested to listen to her much and since she views the others as annoying people with annoying habits, she tends to fail to regulate them, causing Romila to win instead (yes, it's THAT unfortunate of a situation) in their match, which causes her to review a LOT of things and she tries to see what caused her to lose after having a severe breakdown.

She develops an inferiority complex in respect to Romila and then spends a long time wondering where she went wrong.

Rena (who somehow clung to her) tries to cheer her up but gets turned back halfway, but she still stays on and Luja is like, "Wtf" until she sees Romila going entirely off the deep end (she presents an interesting contrast to how Koldin sees Romila as well, she sees Romila's behavior and considers it as a justification for her own self....she uses Romila to justify herself a lot (since if you asked Romila, Luja was more or less fine according to her since she wasn't being a doormat and stood up for herself) while Koldin sees Romila as the reason he should cling onto his own stuff) and realises that she could be on the path to destruction herself and accepts Rena's help and tries to be more open to others which leads to the Mid terms parallels in the Archenemy of Society arc where she "succeeds" instead and manages to get the class together enough to escape the situation.

However it doesn't mean that her fear of failure has entirely vanished into the blue, she just reviews the ways she can fail better now and works around it to avoid it and has more confidence in her own self. But she is still scared of failing and would love to avoid that more than anything. However she's chiller after that.

Her intelligence is more or less on par with both Romila and Kratanos, making them the three main strategists in the final battle against the bigots (which is basically a rerun of the Mansion of Death situation but way way worse and fucked up and has different leads to it).

....

The thing is that, no matter what I do, she winds up feeling like one dimensional/repetitive, which is something I am trying to amend about all the characters (I mean, I had to revamp a lot of characters so it will probably take me a long long time to actually get to writing.........sigh besides she stands up like a cardboard amongst people (I mean, you have Romila and Kratanos with extremely complicated storylines and then you have her. Just there))

So the main question is how to make her more interesting as a character and on par with the rest while still keeping her character flaws and personality?

I think the easiest way to go abt this is to view her as a sassy Bakugo. They have the main points in common. They're salty, don't like to socialise, feel inferior to a certain someone while still having some semblance of confidence and a terrible fear of failure

Now as much as I hate to compare your character to another one, it makes it a lot easier to have them become - as my English teacher would say - more. So I am sorry if this comes off as offensive-

For Bakugo, he became interesting by playing a big part in the mc's main story and we do get a few scenes where his vulnerability is shown. I assume it's the same with your character but...what rlly ties the knot for me when it comes to Katsuki is the fact that his problems...are more than just an inferiority/superiority complex. His whole thing stems from background especially (*cough* abusive mom *cough*) and the fact that he's not the main character (or rather that the story isn't being told in his perspective).

These facts make us over think and want more of him. The mystery draws us in which is why I think Luja's character is so perfect for someone in the background. She doesn't like to reveal things abt herself and is pretty dismissive to most things on top of that (plainly just salty). Her character rlly draws you in and the best way to portray those kinds of characters is through another character. Ofc, you'd have to get to their POV eventually but it's important to note that most of the details should come from someone else's POV (an observer, if you will) instead of info dumping and starting straight with hers. A character that's mysterious with a very simple yet relatable story attracts a LOT more attention and interest when seen from someone else's perspective than when you kickstart it from theirs.

Ofc, if u are planning (or already have) started the story from her POV, that would be a bit problematic in terms of interest. But not a train wreck. This is where my other point comes in. The point of making a character have more than one problem

Different ppl as well as characters have a main problem but also different ones, no matter what way you look at it. It seems that even you are confused with all ur character's ins and outs (dw, we've all been there... I am still there tbh) and a solution to that is backtracking a bit and looking at their life from the very beginning in HEAVY detail (like more than u already did). Think abt what other trauma could have been caused, what doubts and fears could have slowly crept it's way to her heart and head (I am a sucker for long-lasting doubts that develop over time) and anything you can even so much as GRASP on. If you look at it and see it as a possibility, try to fit that into her character and add it subtly in different places (as subtext or a creative pattern, wordplay, doesn't rlly matter as long as it's not openly stated bc, remember, the key thing to these types of characters is mystery).

For example, a fear of failure can stem into anxiety before the character has even lost smth later in their life. They probably get rlly anxious when evaluating smth but don't show it much or at all so no one notices. This adds even MORE to the character bc you can build it up after other events. Like once they have failed, they could probably get even more anxious and then develop a bad relationship with the person who beat them (double the points if it was a friend). You could build all that up and turn it super toxic instead of jumping right to the healing. It makes it more interesting, doesn't it? Plus, reevaluating almost everything including world views after 1 loss is...kind of hard to believe even with anxiety (no offense)

Adding a lot of little problems and thinking abt how Luja's behaviour can impact other characters helps a terrible lot if ur doing most of the story from her POV. Especially since she's probably the most relatable character (from what I've heard anyway). I have a certain saying... it goes like, "It's better to have a relatable and connecting character than one with a problem that is too big for normal people to fathom."

I like characters with heart-wrenching problems that I would never be able to relate to (take maybe Shigaraki as an example ig?) But my favourite are the ones that make me feel as tho I made a real connection

Also, I would like to say...if ur looking to progress her character even further, I would debate on whether it's the complete end to the novel or if there'll be a second part. If it's a second part, keep some of Luja's issues. Make her get better but not completely "YAY, I AM DONE BEING TORMENTED". If it's the end of the novel/series/etc., make it so that she's resolved most of most of her issues. They don't have to be completely gone but they have to be a lot better compared to how they started. And how i would work that out is a mind map but knowing ur a scatterbrain...lets talk it out where everything is all over the place

Luja's main thing is to gain confidence in herself and be finally ok with losing, right? If you ask me, that's a tough one but not impossible. I think to get her from point A to point B is to put up a bunch of events like:

Get her super anxious when doing smth

Lose to *insert person*

Have a breakdown and over think on what she could have done better (on the project or whatever she lost at)

Get even more anxious and totally mess up the next thing

Lose once again (double points if it's the same person as last time)

Overthinking abt how she's not good enough

F i g h t i n g f r i e n d s c o z d r a m a

"YoU'rE nEvEr GoNnA gEt BeTtEr If YoU kEeP tHiNkInG aBoUt YoUrSeLf"

Over think abt no. 8 bc out of options and ideas and ✨a n x i e t y✨

Try listening to others more and become b e t t e r

Win smth (bc creator forbid 3 losses in a row to start depression)

Lose again (there is gonna be a bit of back and forth but is necessary for development)

"I tHoUgHt I wAs FiNaLlY dOiNg SoMeThInG rIgHt AnD nOw LoOk"

"Losing is not th3 3nd of th3 fucking world, you lunatic"

"WELL, IT IS TO ME, BITCH"

*insert psychology somehow idk*

Another loss

"I'm angry...but I'm ok"

Note that idk where bullying would come in and these are only how I would think it to go-

A character like this isn't rlly my strong suit when it comes to them resolving their problems but they are fun to write and think abt-

................................did I just give you advice on how to traumatize? I-

[wannabe-fic-writer]

Natasha Romanoff x Reader : Prove Me Wrong

Summary: She can trust you, even if she doesn’t know it yet.

Warning: 18+ Mental Health, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Violence, Smut

Chapter 7

****** 

You’d stepped outside of being professional. Childishly you began to avoid Natasha, not that it was hard since she was avoiding you as well.

She hadn’t been to a session in two weeks and you hadn’t said anything to her about it. 

All because you’re crushing on her.

Which you really can’t understand. 

What had happened between you two for you to develop these feelings? It couldn’t be your sessions. If that were the case you’d have feelings for the whole damn team. Stronger ones at that because the woman was the furthest from opening up to you. 

On the third Friday as you’re sitting in your office working you realize how hypocritical your actions are.

Your whole time here you’ve been telling everyone to address their feelings. Telling them that letting their emotions in was the first step to coping with them. And here you are blatantly ignoring your feelings and not coping at all.

Taking a page from your own book, you pull out an empty notebook and start writing it down. Everything you can think that brought on your feelings for the woman, minus the fact that she’s drop dead gorgeous. 

By the time your page is full, even the little space outside the red margin, you don’t see how you ignored it.

It’d taken you merely a few weeks to start falling for this woman. Her loyalty, her stubbornness, her intelligence, her sass, her confidence, the way she challenges you, her dry sometimes missable humor, that damn smirk, and those green eyes. 

Even scarier, is looking at the page and realizing that she hadn’t even fully opened up to you. If you’ve already started falling for her over this, obviously, little bit of who she is, you’re for sure to be a goner if you ever learn everything about her. 

Groaning, you slouch down in your chair, the force of your fall pushing the wheels back a little. 

Suddenly you feel the brush of, what feels like, silk across your calf. It’s warm, and despite it’s firmness, it seems to mold around your leg. 

You jump back a little, eyes snapping down to the shadow underneath your desk.

Before you can fully panic though, it moves into the light of your office. Tiny brown eyes stare back into your e/c ones and the small black cat cautiously brushes against your leg again.

Confused as to where it came from, but still finding it adorable, you reach down and run your hand over it’s back. You feel the purr coming from the feline before it actually sounds and the second it does, you relax a little. 

“Where did you come from cutie?” 

It’s head tilts at your question and you nod. 

You pick the little thing up and stand, going in search for where it could’ve come from. Honestly you wouldn’t be surprised if it managed to sneak in here. The team could spot an enemy from yards away but definitely not have noticed the presence of this little cutie.

They hadn’t noticed Goose until the day Carol left. Shocked and confused expressions passed when she picked the cat up. So yeah, this one could’ve easily slipped pass them.

Surprisingly, the source of his presence, makes itself known about halfway down the hall. 

The red head you’d been avidly dodging rounds the corner, a small red collar between her fingers, and a determined look on her face.

A grey cardigan flows out by her legs, opened wide enough for you to see the black stretch pants and green crop top she’s paired with it. 

You hadn’t added ‘Abs’ to the list but you should have.

“Missing something?” You teasingly ask, just barely holding up the black cat in your arms. 

Natasha’s brows raise ever so slightly, the only sign of relief you get. She approaches, collar now gripped in her hands as she keeps her gaze trained on the animal. 

“He snuck into my office, scared me half to death.” You tell her.

“It’s a she. Her name’s Liho.” She speaks and god you hadn’t realized you’d missed her voice. 

You nod, and hold her out to Natasha. The red head takes her, careful not to let your fingers brush under the cat’s belly. 

Biting your lip, you let your eyes wander over everything in the hallway but her. Missing when she finally looks at you, eyes racking over your form, lingering on your face. 

The silence is awkward. While before it had been a little tense but mainly empty. 

You hate it. 

Natasha is just about to turn on her heel and leave when you sigh.

“Can we talk?” God it sounds like you’re about to break up with her. Like something bad had gone down in your relationship when in reality there had barely been one to begin with. 

Her green eyes move to you, looking at your nose instead of your eyes.

“In my office, please?” Begging, nice. 

Silence. 

Just before you can mumble out a never mind, she nods. 

You smile, only a little, and nod. Turning around to head back to where you came from, this time accompanied by the source of your anxiousness and her new feline friend. 

Once in the room, you shut the door, and settle yourself on the edge of the couch. Whether this is a long talk or not you figure it be best you not stand.

Like she use to, Natasha opts out of sitting, instead walking around your office. She’s canvased the room some many times you aren’t even what she could possibly have to really look at anymore.

But she finds something.

“Reasons why I like her?” She’s reading the statement right off the page but her tone is questioning.

She’s unsure what it is but you know. It’s why you internally panic. 

Is it physically possible for your heart to drop? If a doctor checked your body now would they actually find your heart in your stomach? Because it feels like they would. 

Natasha stands over your desk, fingers brushing the inked pages, Liho in her other hand looking on as if she can read it too. 

“Wit. Green eyes. Stubbornness,” she keeps reading,“ gorgeous red hair. That damn smirk.” 

You’re frozen. Like, giving Cap a run for his money, frozen. 

All you had to do was close it. Maybe put it in one of the many fingerprint locked filing cabinets, hell even a drawer. But no. 

“Are these about me?” She looks from the paper to you, green eyes as intimidating as you’d ever seen them.

There has to be a god at play here. Maybe Hera, the goddess of love setting this up knowing something you don’t. Or Loki, the god of mischief playing at what would soon be a good laugh. 

Natasha abandons the notebook, rounding your desk to step just a little closer to you,“ Y/N?” 

“You weren’t supposed to see that. I wasn’t supposed to see that.” You stand, taking barely a step towards her,“ I shouldn’t have written it but I didn’t know how else to make sense of what I’m feeling and I’m sorry.” 

All over the place, good job. 

Her head raises a little. Not to look down on you but to still herself.“ What are you feeling?” 

“Isn’t that my line?” 

She cracks a smile at your little joke, but those eyes retain the question. 

You sigh,“ if I could explain it the right way I would but, I guess, I think I like you. Which is insane cause it’s not like we actually know each other. It’s not like we’ve spent that kind of time together. Still, here I am, thinking and rethinking and making lists.”

Pushing yourself to stand up, you walk over to your desk. Fingers brush over the words on the paper. You now notice that you wrote so hard it bled through to the other pages. 

“I’m sorry if my honesty is scary. It terrifies me. We barely know each other and here I am saying I like you.” 

Her eyebrow quirks at that. 

“Do you really believe we don’t know each other?” She turns to face you,“ I know I misjudged you but I think I have a good idea of who you are.”

You watch her, suppressing the urge to laugh when she lets Liho down on your desk, the cat walking over to you and pressing itself into your stomach. 

And Natasha watches you.

Is she really about to give in, again? Admit her feelings for you just like that.

You notice her eyes had drifted from yours and you search them for the reason why. When she’d spoken before it was with pure confidence and now her eyes hold insecurities. 

Whatever she’s thinking has made her unsure of what she had meant to say. And makes you all the more curious.

Her thoughts continue to race. Is it worth the risk? Are you worth the risk? 

Taking a deep breath in, she releases it and looks into your eyes again.“ You’re compassionate, smart, patient, annoyingly adorable.” She gives you a small smile,“ and even though I’m sure there’s more to learn,” the insecurity lessens replaced with something else, something stronger,“ I like you for everything I already know.” 

You were able to recover the last time you froze, now though you don’t think you will.

Did she just say she likes you? 

Natasha ‘I want nothing to do with your therapy’ Romanoff likes you?

Carol was right! You should’ve known she was. 

You’ve been avoiding each other for weeks all because you were to tied up in your own head. 

“Now I feel dumb for not telling you before.” 

Once again she’s frowning, head tilted a little.“ Before?”

“At the anniversary dinner. When I danced with Carol she said something about you liking me and I disregarded it because let’s face it I thought you barely tolerated me. It seems I was wrong.”

Slight annoyance passes her expression at the thought of Danvers outing her to you. But she pushes that away to focus on the situation at hand.

The woman moves to lean on your desk,“ I have to apologize for the way I acted towards you when you first arrived and recently as well. You were nothing but kind to me and-”

“You don’t have to. Really. I didn’t expect, well I actually kept myself from expecting anything when I was called in so nothing you did hurt my feelings. And it was much nicer than some of the reactions I’ve received.” A breathy chuckle leaves your lips.“ Besides, I’m assuming it’s water under the bridge?” 

Her eyes narrow,“ is it?” 

With wide eyes, you look at her in panic. 

She smiles amusedly,“ it is. I was just joking. Though, I’d like to make it up to you.”

Biting your lip, you ask,“ how so?”

“A date.”

******

taglist:@username23345 @muffliat-o  @aaron-despair @natasha-danvers​ @wildhoney32 @criminallyhamilton @fayhar @nat-km-mh @chicken-wang09

[thetravelerwrites]

Ravadhi (Part 9)

Rating: Mature Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationship: Female Human x Male Half-Orc Additional Tags: Exophilia, Half-Orc, Monster Boyfriend, Interspecies Romance,Angst, Slow Burn Content Warning: Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Alcoholism, Drug Abuse Words: 4148

Holly finds out what her mother left for her in the deposit boxes. Afterward, she and Ravadhi settle into a comfortable routine until it's suddenly shattered. Please reblog and leave feedback!

The Traveler's Masterlist

Holly arrived at the bank only ten minutes after leaving, which was not at all enough time to mentally prepare her for what she was about to find in the deposit boxes, left for her by her dead mother.

She waited in the line anxiously, her fist clenched around the keys that Tonri had given her and her chest tight.

“I can help the next guest,” The teller called. Holly knew him distantly from school, he was a Ratfolk man name was Auro. The two of them hadn’t been friends or really even spoke to each other, but like everyone at school, he knew who she and her dad was, and speculated along with everyone else. Despite that, he hadn’t ever bullied her or ignored her existence out of guilt.

“Hello, what can I help you with today?” He asked as she approached

“Hi, I inherited the keys to safety deposit boxes--” She checked the paperwork she’d received from Tonri. “F152, F153, F154, and F155.”

“Okay, I’ll just need the keys, a photo ID, the death certificate of the decedent, and inheritance letter?”

“Uh, yes, right here.”

She handed the documents to Auro, who took them and scanned them briefly, stopping on the name and glancing up uncomfortably. It was a well known fact that Holly’s mother had disappeared when she was young, but she guessed the news that she was dead hadn’t made the gossip rounds yet.

Auro cleared his throat. “Of course, right this way.” He left his desk and led Holly to a private room. “Wait here a moment and the boxes will be brought to you,” He said.

“Okay, thanks.”

She waited tensely for about five minutes. Then, Auro returned with the four boxes, setting them on the table in front of Holly. He also left a large bank bag on the table.

“Would you like privacy?” Auro asked.

“Yes, please,” Holly replied in a small voice.

He nodded and smile sympathetically, then left and closed the door.

Feeling tears prick her eyes, she sat in front of the four boxes, steeling herself to look inside. She picked the one on the right and pulled it toward her. With shaking hands, she turned the key and slowly opened the lid.

The first thing she saw were the pictures. Hundred of them. Pictures of her, of Holly as a baby, of the two of them smiling and happy and together.

Holly cried softly. She thought all the pictures had been destroyed. She spend a long time looking at the photographs of her and her mother. As she shuffled through them, and envelope fell out from the pile. She picked it up and examined it, and on the front, in her mother’s handwriting, was the word, “Holly.”

Sniffling and attempting to stem the flow of her tears, she carefully slit open the envelope and took out the contents. It was a letter. It was dated seven months before Holly’s mother disappeared.

            My baby girl,           I’m so, so sorry.        If you’re reading this, it means that son of a bitch actually killed me and my attempt to escape with you has failed. I’m sorry. I tried. I tried so hard, but he was always one step ahead of me, no matter what I did.        You once asked me, when you were very little, why I was with your father if he made me so sad. I couldn’t answer you then, because you were too young to understand. I was hoping to tell you this story in person one day when we were free of him, but it looks like that day will never come.       Abusive relationships never start out that way, you know. Your father started out sweet and kind and affectionate, and I was fooled. By God, was I fooled. He spent the first year of our relationship waiting on me hand and foot, doing anything I asked, lavishing me with gifts and attention. I was so struck by his attentiveness and loving nature that I fell for him very quickly. Looking back, I realize it was too quickly. I didn’t realize that his attention was manipulation, or that a pattern of dependence was beginning to develop.       The change was so slow that I didn’t even see it. It started with comments, off-handed observations. “Your mom was kind of rude to me today and your brother doesn’t like me. We shouldn’t go over there as much. Your friends talk about you behind your back. You should dump them and get better friends.” He began to drive a wedge between me and all of my relationships, until he was the only one left. He’d convinced me that my family hated me, that my friends were jealous of me. I started cutting ties with people who I loved dearly, and when no one was left, all I had was him. Which is exactly what he wanted.       Then there were sudden negative criticisms about my appearance or how I cooked or cleaned. I was gaining too much weight and wasn’t as pretty as I had been when we first started dating. I was spending too much time at school or work and not enough time with him. He began questioning where I went, how much money I spent, who I was with, why I was out so long. Whenever I protested, he simply said he was worried about me and that he didn’t want anything bad to happen to me, that I was careless, even reckless sometimes, and that I could get myself in trouble. I started questioning myself and actively avoiding things that would upset him. I thought he got angry with me was because he loved me. I didn’t realize he was trying to control me.       Before we got married, he had been pressuring me to leave school, saying that it was too expensive and he couldn’t afford it. I told him I could apply for grants and scholarships, but he wouldn’t hear a word of it. His temper was getting shorter and shorter by the day, and before I knew it, it seemed like he was always angry. He started drinking not long after we were engaged. But I loved him, and I figured it was just stress because of money. It was easy to dismiss the emotional and psychological abuse as stress or concern, but now I know it was never any of those things.       The physical abuse started shortly after we got married. By then, I wasn’t speaking to my family or friends anymore and we had moved to Willowridge for his work, so I was completely isolated. We had another argument about school, and it was the first time he laid a hand on me. He slapped me so hard that he knocked me to the floor, and I was shocked. Looking back now, it’s almost comically obvious that the relationship was heading in that direction, but at the time, I was terrified and so very confused. I was a smart person; smart people didn’t get into abusive relationships, it wasn’t possible. And now that I had alienated all of the people who could have helped me, I felt powerless.       My mother died, and I wanted to go to her funeral and patch things up with my family, but your father convinced me that my family didn’t want me there. They hadn’t called me, after all. There had been no invitation to attend. So I didn’t go. Then my father died, and shortly afterward, my brother took his own life. Suddenly, I was without family and it was now too late to reconnect with them. I dropped out of college due to a mental breakdown, which was what your father wanted. It was then that the abuse became extreme.       He would beat me for any small thing. I had no money, no friends, no resources, and I was now living in a town of which I wasn’t familiar. I felt trapped, but I also felt like it was my fault for falling for it, so perhaps it was what I deserved. I developed an eating disorder, lost a lot of weight, stopped leaving the house, and fell into a deep depression. I always felt anxious and sick. I didn’t even realize I was pregnant with you until I went into labor.       You were a month early, and so tiny. I hadn’t been to the doctor since before our wedding and the eating disorder made my period stop for months at a time, so I had no reason to believe I could have been pregnant.       When you were born, everything changed. I may not have been able to get out for myself, but for you, I would move mountains. I made a deal with your father; you know what it was. He wouldn’t let me work, so I had to scrounge and save any way I could. I was the weirdo who took all the coins from the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray. I dived into wishing fountains and scooped up handfuls of quarters. I’d lie to your father and say I lost the receipt when I went to buy groceries and couldn’t remember what the total was. It always earned me a beating, but it was worth it if I could manage to squirrel away even five dollars. I even sold my wedding and engagement rings. I expected to tell him I had lost them and get a beating, but he never asked about them. Someone who controlled every aspect of my life for years didn’t care that the proof of our marriage was missing. Fitting, I suppose.       I’m not sure how much I’ve managed to save; I’ve never had the chance to count it. I’ve also put away all of my jewelry, collectables, and any small thing I thought might be valuable sentimental or otherwise. I hope beyond hope that you’re free from him as you read this, but if you’re not, I hope I’ve saved enough to give you a chance to get away and live a better life. If there’s only enough for you to buy a bus ticket and get out of this godforsaken town, it’ll have been worth it.       I love you, Holly. I love you so much. If any good thing came out of that miserable bastard, it was you. You were a surprise, but once I saw your little face and your tiny hands gripped my finger, I’d have done anything to keep you safe. I’m sorry I fell short. If you hate me, I understand. But please, never doubt that I loved you. I only wish I could have been a better mother and protected you, and I hope you’re not too disappointed in me.          Forgive me. Forgive me.                    Mommy

There were tear stains on the paper, old ones from when it was written, and new ones as Holly read it. Holly held the letter to her chest and wept bitterly.

“I don’t hate you,” Holly sobbed. “I don’t.”

It took several minutes to compose herself. When she’d sniffled to a stop, she turned her attention to the other boxes. In the first, she found jewelry, coins, stock certificates, and the proof of purchase on the house. In the second, there were trinkets she’d saved from Holly’s childhood, like her footprint, her hospital bracelet, and the blanket in which she’d been wrapped in. In the third was a single item: a bank account card.

Holly took all of the items in the boxes and stepped out of the room, walking back up to the teller’s desk.

“There was this account card in the box,” She told Auro. “Do I have access to this?”

“Yes,” Auro said. “Your name is on the account.”

“Oh,” Holly said, surprised. “Can I check the balance?”

“Of course,” Auro said, entering the number into the computer. His hands stilled and he stared at the screen.

“Well?”

“Right,” He said, clearing his throat. “At present, you have $53,640.35 available in your account.”

“Fifty-three…” Holly trailed off. “That’s… mine?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Auro said. “You can use it whenever you like. I can give you a checkbook before you leave, and have a debit card mailed to you within the week.”

“Yes, please,” She replied faintly.

She rode home in a numb fog. When she arrived, Ravadhi and Sarah were sitting on the front porch as if waiting.

“Are you okay?” Ravadhi asked, immediately pulling her into a hug. You accepted it gladly. As soon as he wrapped her up in his arms, she started sobbing again, unable to stop, and started to collapse, her legs crumpling underneath her.

“Hey, it’s okay,” He said softly, moving to sit her down on the porch. Sarah sat on your other side and rubbed her arm.

“What happened?” Sarah asked.

“She left me some things,” Holly managed to gulp out, pulling some of the things from her bag to show Sarah

“Are these you when you were little?” Sarah said. “I’ve never seen pictures of you as a kid.”

“Dad got rid of them all,” Holly replied, shuffling through them to show her. “Or, I thought he had. Mom managed to save some.”

“You were really small,” Sarah said wonderingly. “Even smaller than me.”

“Mom said I was a month premature. I didn’t know that before,” Holly whispered.

“You’re mom said?” Ravadhi asked.

“Oh, she wrote me a letter,” Holly replied, pulling it from her pocket. She began to read the letter out loud to Sarah and Ravadhi. As private and emotionally charged as the letter was, Ravadhi and Sarah were the only two people in the world who Holly felt she could share it with, and because she could, she did. Not only that, she knew they would understand it in a way that no one else would.

“Do you hate her, like she said?” Sarah asked.

“No,” Holly told Sarah. “No, I couldn’t hate her if I wanted to. I wish she had been your mom, Sarah, she was such a good mom. The best.”

“Dad tricked her,” Sarah said, looking up at Holly sympathetically.

Holly nodded. “Yeah.”

“He didn’t trick my mom,” Sarah said bitterly. “All he had to do was pay for her drugs and vodka.”

“I’m sorry, Sarah,” Holly said. Sarah shrugged.

“So you own our house?” Sarah asked, changing the subject. “Are you going to kick mom out?”

“No,” Holly said. “It doesn’t matter what my feelings are for your mom, I will always make sure you have a home to go to, no matter what. But I think it’s best if she doesn’t know I own it, so maybe keep it under your hat.”

Sarah nodded knowingly.

Holly sighed heavily, wiped her face, and stood up abruptly. “Well, I am absolutely starving. Do you guys want breakfast?”

That night, Holly lay in bed, unable to quiet her mind. She had decided to keep the news about the money to herself until she knew what she wanted to do with it. There were a million possibilities bouncing around in her head, and she couldn’t pin one down. She could fix up the house for Sarah, put it away for Sarah’s college, put a down-payment on her own house, go back to school, anything. But deep down, Holly was worried.

Ravadhi had said at the beginning that she was to stay with him until she got back on her feet, but now they were dating. Would he want her to to find her own place since, she had the money to do it? She liked living with Ravadhi. It was the healthiest environment she’d ever lived in and she didn’t want to have to start all over again on her own. Was that co-dependent? Maybe, but healthy co-dependence was better than depressed, anxious solitude, as far as she was concerned. She didn’t want to leave, and she didn’t think he would just kick her out. But, as her mother’s letter had taught her, you could never be truly certain of a person’s motives or intentions. Ravadhi had been nothing but kind and caring toward her, but… people can change.

What if she could get custody of Sarah? That would be amazing. If she could prove Diane was an unfit mother, would they even let Holly get custody? She knew that they wouldn’t let Sarah live with a convicted felon, though, so if she could get custody, the matter of continuing to live with Ravadhi in his house would decide itself. As much as she cared for Ravadhi, Sarah was her first priority.

What if she lost the custody case and they put Sarah in some kind of group home? Ravadhi’s tale of being in a group terrified her and she’d never subject Sarah to it. Was it best to leave her in a neglectful environment where at least Holly knew she could take care of herself and be safe? Or try for custody and run the risk of losing her in the system?

Maybe she could ask Sarah. She had a good head on her shoulders and could make good decisions for herself. A lifetime of neglect from her own parents as well as having to take care of her beaten and bloodied sister on a regular basis had aged her prematurely, so she was used to it. Unfortunately.

There had been another thing that had been weighing heavily on her lately as well, even before learning about her inheritance: she and Ravadhi had been officially dating for about a month, but they had both cared about each other longer than that. Would… he be expecting sex? Even if he did, she didn’t think he would be the type to pressure her into it, especially given his history.

Eventually, she fell asleep, wondering if she should ask him about it. A few days later, when they were alone with each other and just sitting down to dinner, she broached the topic.

“Ravadhi?” She piped up shyly. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, anything,” He said, picking up his fork and getting ready to tuck in to his pork stirfry and rice.

“Do… do you want to have sex with me?” She asked.

He immediately began to choke on the first bite of his food, and Holly rushed to get him some water in alarm.

When he was able to speak again, he asked, “Before I answer, is that an inquiry or a request?”

“An inquiry,” She replied.

“Okay,” He said, taking a deep breath and bracing his hands on the table. “Okay.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Holly said, wincing.

“No, no, it’s okay,” He replied, clearing his throat and taking another sip of water. “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough with me to ask. That’s really important to me, that you feel safe and comfortable.” He knitted his fingers and took a second before answering, pondering the question over in his head.

“The short answer is: yes, I do, because I care about you in both a emotional and a physical way, and part of that is wanting to be intimate and sexual. The long answer is: yes, I do, but.”

“But?”

“Yes, I do, but… I know that it scares you and that you’re not ready. Yes, but I never want to do anything to hurt you or make you feel unsafe. Yes, but I’m willing to wait as long as it takes until you feel the time is right, even if that never comes. I’m here for you because I love you, not because I want to have sex with you. Your happiness and well-being is more important to me than that.”

Holly blinked and her mouth fell open. She stared at Ravadhi in silent shock.

His brow furrowed. “What?”

“You said you loved me.”

His cheeks darkened. “Oh. I… well… yeah. I do. Love you, I mean. It’s okay if you don’t or don’t want to say it.”

Holly’s heart raced and she felt confused. “Give me some time?”

He nodded. “Yeah, absolutely.”

She nodded in return, relieved. “Thanks. And… I appreciate you being cool with everything. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it means a lot to me.”

He smiled fondly at her and continued eating.

The school semester came to an end, and Ravadhi passed all his exams, despite working two jobs and having taken Holly in during the month when he needed to study the most. Now that school was over for the summer, he took some more time to work on the house, which he hadn’t been able to do for a long time. Holly was happy to help him, and it became a new bonding activity for them both. Sarah slept over often since it was summer break, and the three of them were happy.

It was becoming easier for her to be physically affectionate with him, holding his hand and giving him hugs and kisses more casually, which was a huge step for her. He never brought up sex or being more intimate, and Holly appreciated it.

Ravadhi still had the plumbing and overnight security job, but now that school was out, he was able to take more shifts. Holly would stay up and text him until at least his lunch break at eleven P.M. to help him stay awake.

On a warm Thursday evening as the sun was going down, Holly sat on the back porch overlooking the closed-in backyard and watched some videos on her phone while texting Ravadhi back and forth. He was bored, like he always was during his shifts at the power plant. He worked alone at the front lobby and watched the cameras, which Holly was sure was nothing short of riveting. At least he was allowed to listen to music.

>What have you got playing? She asked.

>Sevendust. It’s my go-to band. Very effective at keeping me awake.

>I bet. Do you listen to any female fronted metal bands? I think you’d really like Epica and Otep. Epica has got a great opera vibe. Oh, and Sister Sin is a really good hard rock band. Great vocalist.

>I haven’t heard those bands. They sound awesome.

>I’ll make you a playlist.

>Nice. What are you up to?

>Enjoying the nice evening. I was going to clean up the kitchen before I went to bed, but I was tired. I’ll do it tomorrow after work.

>Going on rounds. I’ll text you back in a minute.

Holly switched back over to watching true crime videos on YouTube. She blinked, and when she opened her eyes, suddenly the sun was completely down. She looked at her phone and realize she must have fallen asleep: two hours had gone by. She went over to messages and texted Ravadhi. He hadn’t texted back yet, which was weird.

>Sorry, I fell asleep. Find anything?

Holly decided to go inside and actually clean the kitchen. By the time she was done, Ravadhi still hadn’t texted back.

>Everything okay?

Ten minutes passed and there was no response. Holly began to feel uneasy. With a pit in her stomach, she dialed the power plant’s main line. Ravadhi had to answer that phone, it was part of his job. The phone rang and rang and rang. Ravadhi never picked up.

Holly’s breath stalled in her chest with panic and she called the sheriff’s department.

“Sheriff’s department,” Holly heard.

“Hi, um, look, my boyfriend is at work and he’s not answering the phone, which is part of his job, and I’m worried something may have happened to him,” Holly said in a rush.

“I’m sure he’s fine, ma’am,” The deputy said dismissively. “He’s probably in the bathroom or something. I’m not sure this warrants a welfare visit.”

“I’m telling you, something is wrong,” Holly insisted. “I haven’t heard from him in hours. That’s not something that happens.”

“You’re probably overreacting,” He said. “Just calm down--”

“Who am I speaking to?” Holly asked, getting angry.

“Deputy Reynolds.”

“Well, Deputy Reynolds, my name is Holly Stevenson. Do you know that name?”

There was a few seconds of silence on the other end. “Yes, ma’am, I know who you are.”

“Then you know you owe me. You owe me.”

The deputy didn’t respond.

“The least, the very least, you can do is make sure the person who saved my life is okay. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, ma’am,” The deputy replied. “I’ll send an officer right away.”

“You do that,” Holly said. “And I expect a call when you get there.”

“Yes, ma’am,” The deputy said.

Holly hung up the phone and waited anxiously, biting her nails and pacing. A full thirty tense minutes later, she saw red and blue lights outside. She rushed to the door and threw it open. The sheriff himself stepped out of the car.

“What happened?” Holly asked.

Since my work is no longer searchable, please do me a favor and reblog this story if you enjoyed it. Help me reach a wider audience! To help me continue creating, please consider buying me a Kofi, becoming a Patron, or donating directly to my PayPal!

Thanks for reading!

My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist