#there was just a lot that required expensive purchases

[l0ganberry]

HOLY CHRIST, SHE'S A SAINT!!!! THIS VIDEO CARRYS ALL MY WORRIES!! THANK GOD AND ALL THE HIGHER BEINGS ABOVE!!!😇🙏

[sophiamarieispinkbunny-chan]

Forger Fam and WISE Budget😅

Sylvia’s current concern according to Endo: Balancing WISE Budget

I mean how couldn’t she be concerned when maintaining Strix is so financially consuming.

I mean look at all the expenses the Forger family has made in less than a year:

1.Anya’s tuition that costs about $35,000 to $40,000, and that doesn’t include the uniform and school supplies.

2.Anya’s clothes and she seemed to have new clothes regularly and Endo said these are mostly bought by Loid/Twilight.

3.That castle rent that costs more than $77 000 and added the other check, I'm guessing for the furniture they used, that costs $17 600. (Yes, it costs more than Anya's tuition fee, I mean it's a castle 😂)

4.Loid could also not just be purchasing clothes for Anya. It looks like he also pays for Yor’s wardrobe and Yor mentioned that he got so many clothes for her in the boutique before the Eden Interview.

5.Loid is also the one who pays for their dates, seems like, and his dates with Yor doesn’t seem cheap at all, they seem to dine at fancy restaurants that require reservation.

6.The big heap of cash he pays Franky every time he babysits Anya and Bond.

And here it looks like the check his giving Franky costs 20,000 dalcs that is equivalent to $44,000 (one dalc is quivalent to $2.20). It's even more expensive than Anya's tuition, what?! 😂😂 (Twilight is literally willing to spend a lot money just to be sure that Anya won't be home alone ever again, he's not taking a chance on her being kidnapped again when he left her alone on ep1)

7.Loid didn’t seem to also hold back in spending a good amount of money for their apartments furniture and for Anya’s bedroom and even bought her a lot of toys and picture books.

8.And of course their out of town/out of the country family trips featured in the Code White movie. Those must’ve cost a lot considering they have to book a hotel and all. And according to a movie spoiler from tiktok, that wasn’t the last time they went on a family out of town trip.

Loid Forger does have a high paying profession. However, according to Endo, his earnings as a psychiatrist were only about $140,000 per year, not per month, PER YEAR. How could he cover that much expenses? Of course WISE covers the rest if it was crucial to the mission, or when Twilight insists it to be. I mean he always says that everything he does is for his mission so the one who has to pay was the one who gave him that mission.

(Most of these expenses didn't even contribute to the progress of Operation Strix. It just funds Twilight into sinking deeper into his fake fam and keeps the family even more attached to each other😂)

Endo said WISE is not really generous when it comes to paying their agents but they seem to be lenient on spending their money on the Forgers. I mean they have to invest for their Top Spy's family and World Peace do depend on them.

So Twilight, pile the bills and let Sylvia handle the rest😂

[honoviadakai]

What the Diaboys smell like: Sakamaki brother edition

(CW for Laito’s section, mentions of sex/sexual themes and blood for all the brothers)

Shu:

Top notes: clean linen, violin rosin, spruce wood

Bottom notes: blood, old books, cheap body spray

Shu always smells like clean, freshly pressed, linen sheets

Not because he does the laundry, that’s Reiji’s job

He sleeps in his bed for days or even weeks on end if he can get away with it

So he tends to smells a lot like his clean bed sheets because of how often he takes depression naps

While he’s the least active member of the Sakamaki family, he still has hobbies

His is music, specifically the violin 🎻

Now if you’re a musician then you’re familiar with the maintenance required for keeping your instruments in tip top playing shape

Violins need rosin in order to properly “grip” the strings and create the right amount of friction necessary to play music

And if you’ve never smelled rosin before, it’s usually a bit piny

It’s not really that strong of a smell, but given how old he is and that playing the violin is one of the few things he’s willing to do over an over again

The smell is now apart of him

Specifically his hands

Boy do his hands smell like a pine tree 🌲 💀

He also smells a bit like spruce wood

There’s 2 reasons for this

Reason 1 is because violins are typically made of spruce and therefore, smell as such

Now reason 2…

Shu met Edgar when he was just a child and one of the activities he did in his short time with the boy was to help him with his chores

Specifically, he helped Edgar cut fire wood

The area they lived in was very abundant in spruce trees so Shu grew to love this smell

However…after the fire…he began to hate that smell…

But he could never bring himself to purge himself of that smell

Instead, all of his violins from then on were specially crafted with the wood of spruce trees that grew in the area that Edgar and his family used to live in

He even chops the wood himself to give to the violin crafters

It’s his way of remembering his first friend…

On a far less somber note!

Let’s circle back to the fact that he’s a lazy ass!

His personal hygiene is not great

The only reason he does it at all is because Reiji will nag his ears off if he smells even a little bit funky

So he does buy perfume once every 6 months

…I say perfume because he goes to a store that sells both men and women’s fragrances…

This man is so lazy that the moment he sets foot in that store, he reaches for the first box that’s available for purchase…

He doesn’t even look at what he grabs!

He has bought women’s perfume for himself on multiple occasions and no, he’s not gonna return it!

It’s too much work for this mf!

So for the next 6 months he’s just gonna smell like Victor and Rolf Flowerbomb and we all just gotta accept it

He also just naturally smells like old books

Part of it is cuz his mom use to make him study till steam started coming out of his ears

Sometimes he’d even have to study so much that he’d actually just fall asleep at his desk, using the book he was reading as a pillow

For this reason he enjoys sleeping in libraries

They’re quiet and they smell nice

The smell also reminds him of his mother

They may not have always gotten along, but he did love her

So he sleeps in libraries so he can smell a scent that’s similar to his mother’s and have it permeate his being

It’s his way of remembering his mother

Now a smell that never leaves him is that of his victims blood

He’s been alive longer than he cares to remember, so he’s had more than his fair share of “meals”

And he’s not exactly a clean eater…

Sometimes the blood of a sacrificial bride will stain his expensive silk shirts

He doesn’t bother cleaning them right away, so the smell of their blood always lingers for weeks, even months sometimes

But unlike the triplets, he’s able to hide the smell and even has a good excuse as to why the smell is sometimes strong on him

He likes rare steak 🥩

Rare steak is a bit bloody

Literally every time he says that to a human they just laugh and tell him what a messy eater he is

If only they knew just how true that statement was…

Reiji:

Top notes: tea(depends on what he’s feeling that day), old books, expensive cologne

Bottom notes: detergent, mystery chemicals/poisons, blood

Reiji is pinnacle of refined gentleman should be…at least on the surface

All of his clothes are meticulously washed and pressed before the start of a new day(night?)

So he always has the light scent of whatever detergent he used on his clothes

He also buys the most expensive cologne in the human world that peeks his interest

Right now it’s Frederic Malle The Night Eau de Parfum (estimated at around $2,125.50 USD)

Honestly he doesn’t even buy it cuz it smells nice…he just likes flexing on Shu 💀

But it does smell nice and it adds to his “prim and proper gentleman” aesthetic

Something else that adds to this aesthetic is that his natural scent is that of tea and old books

Both stem from the fact that the few times he got his mother’s full, undivided attention…was when they had tea time together…and talked about the books they had read in the past month…

Yes, he was responsible for her death, but it’s something that he deeply regrets even if he won’t admit it to anyone…not even himself

Something else he won’t admit is that this is why he often reads and drinks tea at the same time

It reminds him of the few happy memories he has of his mother, so he unconsciously has his tea while reading to remember his mother and make himself happy

He also subconsciously picks out tea and books he thinks his mother would have enjoyed

The smells then linger on his body, so it’s almost as if his mother is with him as he goes about his day

Now he’s also a brilliant man

He dabbles in chemistry and specializes in creating poisons and drugs that could incapacitate even some of the mightiest of monsters he’s come across

The smell of those chemicals he works with tend to linger

It’s never to a noticeable degree…but humans who linger too close for too long tend to notice that he smells…odd…like chemicals…

It’s simple enough for him to dismiss

He’s part of the school’s chemistry team, obviously he’s gonna smell like chemicals 🙄

So humans tend to take that answer at face value and not give it a second thought

His brothers all know better though…he’s making a new neurotoxin…and they know better than to get close, least they end up his next Guinea pig…

And of course…he’s a vampire…the smell of blood sticks to him like glue…

Unlike his brothers though, the smell of blood is weak on him

He’s not a messy eater like his brothers are

And he also will clean his clothes much sooner than his brothers would

So while he will have the faintest smell of blood on him, he can hide it with a few good spritz of his expensive cologne

Laito:

Top notes: blood, sauvage mens fragrance, fish(in a bad way)

Bottom notes: the perfume of whatever woman he was with last, vanilla, Cordelia’s favorite perfume

Oh boy…this one…

Buckle up…this one’s a doozy…

So let’s start with the fact that he always has a fishy smell to him…

….

Listen, there’s no easy way to say this but this man answers booty calls like it’s his full time job

Did you really think he wasn’t gonna smell like a man whore? Cuz he does

It’s such a prominent smell that he literally can’t lie to anyone about it

If he answered a booty call 15 minutes ago and just quietly walked into a room, everyone knows

He’s not even gonna hide it

He’s proud of himself so he’s not gonna bother coming up with a lie or using fragrances to cover up the smell

But if he does use cologne…

His favorite is Dior Sauvage Parfum

He likes how it smells and he thinks Johnny Depp is a pretty good actor for a human

Also some girls and guys like it so it also helps him score

Why would he not stock up on this fragrance?

Especially when he needs something to help cover up the sex and blood smell

Like the other triplets, the smell of blood is STRONG on him

He’s the only one that gets away with it though

He claims he likes having periods sex with women and the smell just sticks with him

He’s not even lying, that is in fact a kink of his

….but he is lying…

Sorta

While it is possible he a bloody horizontal tango session with a human female earlier, it’s also possible he found time to drain a human of blood sometime before going back to class too

Hell, it might have actually been a female classmate that he banged and killed cuz he was too hungry to wait

But no one can prove it was him cuz he was smart enough to burn the body till not even her ashes remained…

And if he did get his clothes stained, he won’t even bother going back to interacting with humans

Humans shriek too much at the sight of blood and while he does find it entertaining sometimes, he doesn’t wanna deal with humans asking him a million questions over a meal he just had

So if he is clean of blood and he smells heavily of his favorite cologne….he probably just ate…

….for your safety, mind your business and do not ask him questions…

Also if he smells like Bethany’s favorite perfume, no he doesn’t

You can’t prove shit!

You didn’t hear this from me…but he does like nuzzling up to his lates plaything and smelling like them, he’ll even take a article of clothing of theirs sometimes

It’s his weird way of feeling love and giving love back to his prey

He smells like them, they smell like him, romantic right!?

….

He got that idea from Cordelia….

Whenever she and Laito had…playtime…together 🤢 she’d always make sure she smelled like him and he smelled like her…

“That’s what lovers do after all”

Even though she’s dead, he still sprays her favorite perfume on himself….

It’s his way of showing his father, uncle and even his brothers that even if she’s gone…her love permeates his body and only his body…

He does this less and less once he gets a lover who truly loves him

The “Smelling like Cordelia” bit I mean

Cuz now he just wants to smell like his lover! 🥰

He also kinda smells like vanilla

He really like Macaroons

Like he’ll eat 5 boxes in one sitting if left to his own devices

Eating so many leaves him smelling like sweet vanilla

It’s kinda funny tbh

He’s a big scary vampire

But he’s got a bit of a sweet tooth

And it leaves him with the faintest sweetness in his natural scent

Even his own scent is proof that beneath the twistedness he exudes, he’s a bit of a sweetheart

Kanato:

Top notes: sugar, blood, wax polish

Bottom notes: strawberry pound cake body spray from bath & body works, lavender scented detergent, vanilla

So remember how I said Laito was a doozy…

Kanato is on a whole different level….

So of all the Sakamaki brothers

Not even just the triplets…

He violently smells like blood…

So much so that the brothers have to lie and say Kanato has a medical condition where he gets constant nosebleeds and that’s why he often smells like he just arrived from a crime scene

To be fair…

Look at him…

Just…look at him…

He looks anemic…and he’s abnormally small for someone who’s supposed to be 17 years older

So humans will 100% believe it when given that explanation

….UNTIL HE FUCKS UP AND DOES SOMETHING THAT NORMAL HUMANS CANT/WONT DO

For example!

For a guy who’s been labeled as “anemic” by his brothers…he sure does have quite a lot of energy…

He’s so energetic that he punched a classmate in the ribs for calling him a shrimp…

And said ribs broke…

And his hand is fine…and he tries to bite the already injured student….

On the neck….

…..this is why he’s the least “human passing” of his brothers…

That and he smells like a blood bank!

He’s the messiest eater of his brothers and he won’t wash his clothes!

Reiji has to play the waiting game, steal his clothes and then DEEP CLEAN all his clothes!!

You know what else he smells like? Sugar

Like, a metric fuck ton of sugar

I don’t think vampires can get diabetes, but Kanato is definitely limit testing his body

Like he smells so much like sugar it’s almost kinda gross

Especially when the bloody smell mixes with the sugar smell

It’s such a weird dichotomy of smells but that’s what Kanato smells like

Bloody sugar

And wax finish…

…did I mention taxidermy is a very bloody hobby and that he smells like blood yet…?

Cuz it’s true…

He spends hours making new “toys” and he doesn’t always clean himself, his tools or the room he was working in when he’s done…

He does like to wax his human “dolls” when he’s done and the wax smell juat kinda sticks to him but it doesn’t do much to cover up that he smells like the walking embodiment of death sometimes….

Weirdly enough, he does try to cover it up sometimes

Key word here being try…

Cuz he’s not good at it…

One of his favorite human stores is Bath & Body Works

I’m dead serious

Walk past one and you’ll immediately understand why it’s his favorite place to buy personal hygiene products from

His favorite product is their strawberry pound cake body spray

He LOVES how it smells and wants the entirety of his natural scent to just be that smell

Hasn’t worked yet but he’s trying

Reiji also washes Kanato’s clothes with Lavender scented detergent

He heard lavender has calming effects and wanted to use it on him to make him less chaotic

…..

It hasn’t worked yet…but Kanato likes it so he allows Reiji to continue using the lavender detergent

His sweat and saliva also naturally smells like vanilla….

Do with that information what you will 💅

Ayato:

Top notes: blood, sweat, axe body spray

Bottom notes: takoyaki, musky oak wood, bat musk

Ah yes

The youngest triplet

Let’s get this out the way

He smells like blood

MF eats like he doesn’t know what a napkin is 🤦🏻

He at least has the decency to give Reiji his bloody clothes as soon as he can

Ofc Reiji also has to clean his face cuz…ya know…he’s covered in blood…

The triplets are something else sometimes man…

He at least tries to cover up the smell…with Axe body spray…

And if I’m being honest, I think he uses it to cover up the smell of his sweat…not the fresh blood that was on him after drinking his fill…

His priorities are a little scud…don’t mind him…

But yeah, he’s a sweaty guy after playing several games of basketball and he masks it with Axe body spray 🤦🏻

What a dweeb(affectionate)

He also faintly smells of takoyaki 🐙

What can I say, it’s his favorite food

He eats it every time he has the opportunity to do so

So the smell is just apart of him now

Hope you like takoyaki 😌

He also smells a Leta’s like musky oak wood

I’ll get to the musky part in a bit, but there’s quite a bit of oak trees near the lake his mother nearly drowned him in

He hangs out there a lot tbh

He and his brothers use to play around there a lot

In a way he’s hoping the good memories of him and his brothers will overshadow his awful memories of his mother

Hasn’t worked yet but he’s hopeful

Now onto the muskiness

So Ayato has the muskiest/sweatiest smell out of all his brothers

Reiji hypothesizes it’s because he’s the most active out of the 6 of them

And that’s partially true

But it’s also cuz he’s the brother who interacts the most with their familiars

And most of their familiars are bats! 🦇

You ever smell a bat???

They’re musky af!

He mostly hangs around them cuz they’re good listeners

Sometimes he just needs somewhere to vent, ya know?

They’re also great spies

If he takes a great liking towards a sacrificial bride, he’ll send his familiars out and have them report back where they are and what they’re doing at all times

So if he smells an awful lot of bats lately…

It’s because he’s been spying his crush prey

You didn’t hear that from me though 😌

Subaru:

Top notes: roses, silver, Christa’s favorite perfume

Bottom notes: blood, silver polish, sandalwood

We’ve finally made it to the youngest Sakamaki son!

He’s got a surprisingly delicate natural scent

Which is so weird given how he is

He’s also the second most active brother out of the 6 of them

So you’d expect him to smell musky/sweaty right?

Well he doesn’t

Reiji theories that it’s cuz he’s the youngest and therefore has the most amount of stamina out of all of them

So he requires triple the amount of physical activity that Ayato normally does to even start breaking a sweat

And because of that, his natural scent is delicate and sweet

Yes, he smells of blood sometimes

Buts it’s only very prominent after he’s had his fill

The the third cleanest eater of his brothers and he tried to get clean as quickly as possible so the smell of blood doesn’t send him off the rails

The main thing he smells like is roses 🌹

Is that really a surprise to anyone?

Look at how many roses are around the compound

I’d be more surprised if he didn’t smell like roses

It’s so ingrained into his being that I’m positive that even if you were to bathe him in the harshest of chemicals, the rose smell would never leave

He also smells of Christa’s favorite perfume

He has a habit of spraying the key around his neck with her perfume when he’s feeling extra sad and lonely

The smell remains him of the good memories of his childhood…when Christa was able to hold herself together long enough to give Subaru a big hug and tell her she loved him like she meant it

He sometimes brings her new bottles of her favorite perfume when he visits her

She deserves a nice gift every now and then

He also smells of silver and silver polish

He tends to hold onto the knife his mother gave him so hard when he sleeps that the smell of silver is practically burned into his skin now

He also cleans and polishes the knife daily…

His mother gave him that knife in pristine condition..so he will maintain it in good condition…

It’s also hard to deal a killing blow with a dull knife…

So he takes care of it as best he can, just like he promised his mother he would…

He surprisingly smells of sandalwood

There’s quite a lot of sandalwood trees near the manor actually

Quick fun fact about sandalwood!

They not only smell really good, they’re very easy to carve

Subaru actually picked up wood carving at some point in his childhood

He doesn’t do it often but he is quite talented at it!

He tends to mostly carve little statues of animals

His favorite animals to carve are rabbits

He will never willingly say that out loud though

So you didn’t hear it from me 👀

Sometimes he gifts some of his carvings to his mother

Sometimes he leaves carvings in his brothers rooms as surprise gifts when they do something nice for him for once

And if he REALLY likes a sacrificial bride that’s staying with them, they get a wooden rabbit that looks extra cute

If he manages to establish a romantic relationship with them he might actually give them a new carving every month or so cuz cuz he loves them so much

Hopefully they don’t mind him smelling more and more like sandalwood when that becomes his full time hobby 😉

[rarepears]

Ok I was rereading your "Break news: Westeros lord marries a stranger?" Fic and I am almost sure Jinwoo would be the kind of parent that would gift those super expensive security stuff (like those necklaces that point to your ubi and stuff like that

But of course he can just teleport himself to the child and they have the shadows to protect them

But I just imagine him looking through the system's shop and seeing these jewelry that looks beautiful, maybe has a leon charm or a sword that looks like one of Jaime's drawings and he goes: why not?

So he buys some, cause the children are the kind of using different accessories for the week and he just thought that those earrings were very pretty and that bracelet wouldn't interfere with sword practice

And look! That ring would look really pretty on Tywin (cues their drama cause one of Jinwoo's books told about this tradition) and why not? :D this isn't the first gift he gave to him

So yeah, in my mind Jinwoo is the parent that buys his family everything they want and doesn't see a problem, they work very hard and deserve a reward and he likes to spoil them

Firstly, what is "ubi"? Because I'm thinking "universal basic income" and that's not what you're referring to. If you were thinking more along the lines of "gps", that wouldn't be possible since GPS requires satellites to circle the planet that Westeros is located and the GPS chip uses said satellites (on a very precise orbit) to decode and compute the precise location of said chip. Unless Jinwoo starts importing satellites to float around Westeros...

Something that I was consciously writing into this fic was Jinwoo and Jinah's kind of over the top gifting/shopping. They went from buying only the bare necessities (and some times not even that) to now having more money than they could ever spend. This sudden swing in financial purchasing power is making them go a little crazy like how Jinah is buying waaaaay too many clothes for Jinwoo to wear and paying a lot of attention to Jinwoo's PR. At least Jinah has a bit of Sudden Wealth Syndrome - a bit of an identity crisis because she can suddenly afford to spend money on her hobbies and other wants, fear that Jinwoo needs a backup plan in case he gets too injured to keep clearing gates, and also not quite knowing who she is going to be as a person (because she is just a teenager).

Then there's Jinwoo's mom who doesn't quite know if it's her place to say anything about the siblings' shopping spree. These kids are so incredibly independent from what she remembered before her coma; do they really need her, a parent, around? And it's not like they can't afford to spend with Jinwoo's current income. Their mom doesn't really know her place in the family dynamic now, so she's kind of backed off and is quietly looking on. She's not spending money if she can't because it's not her money; but she's also not sure what she could or should be doing, so she does things like make a cloak for a lion, cook meals for what she thinks are Jinwoo's friends, and try to make herself useful and not appear overbearing to her suddenly-so-mature-and-independent-children.

And then there's Jinwoo who is just a hoarder and now finally has the means to spoil all his loved ones because he feels very guilty that he couldn't give Jinah a proper childhood while their mom was in a coma. Jinah missed out a lot, he thinks, because of his inability to provide.

So yes, here's a mini character analysis about the Sung family's relationship with money and gifts.

[your-tutor-abacus]

The Color of the Sunspot's Milk

We don't drink milk on the Sunspot.

It's not really a thing for us.

We did not evolve from mammals, so we do not produce milk ourselves, typically. Actually, our life can't really be divided up into the same categories as Terran life, anyway, and the Evolutionary Engines that are used to create people now produce such a diversity of biological development that we can't use sweeping statements like that meaningfully. But, we strongly suspect based on evidence at hand that the Ktletaccete did not originally have anything like mammary glands.

And, on the Sunspot specifically, we do not consume anything produced by animals. It just never even occurred to the Founding Crew to set up the ship and our culture that way. The ecological balance of the Garden requires that we let the fauna live as naturally as possible without interference from people. So, we do not milk animals.

But it turns out that we drink something that is kinda of vaguely like milk. It often serves a similar culinary utility, particularly in baking.

We know this because we have been talking to our Earth custodians of the Terran Tunnel Apparatus, and they have tried a product they call Ryze that is an approximation of what we use on the Sunspot, and we've been trading notes.

So, in the search for accommodation, the ancestors of the Sunspot Ktletaccete developed a mixture of pureed fungus and algae that could provide a very young child or a disabled or elderly person with nutrients that might not otherwise be readily available to them. And we have been calling this something that our translators have decided to call "formula". We understand that this echoes the term many of you use for a fortified milk that you feed your infants, and that's acceptable.

But our formula comes in many varieties, customized for each person's needs and even each use they might have for it.

Fungal and algae farming has always been abundant and easy for us, so it is the least expensive food to create. It may not have been central to the diet of ancient Ktletaccete, but it has become pivotal to survival in space aboard our Exodus Ships. And now we use it in nearly everything.

We also eat a variety of nuts, fruits, grains, tubers, leaves, stalks, and other vegetable matter (or their Sunspot equivalents to what these words mean to you). And some of those things provide proteins and lipids that compliment what is provided by our various formulas, so depending on how we combine it we can create foods that sometimes resemble your breads, quiches, meat loafs, stews, etc.

But, also, Artisan crafted beverages is a huge thing here, which I understand some of your cultures might relate to. And our formula is central to that.

So, what are the main differences between our formula and milk? And what are the differences between our formula and something like Ryze?

Well, obvious, our formula is made entirely differently from milk, and does not share it's color. It's not white or even white-ish, typically.

Though some varieties of it can come close to white so that Artisans can add vibrant colors to it more easily without it turning brown, but the processing tends to remove a lot of nutrients from it, so it's not terribly popular outside of that visual utility.

It's also usually somewhat low on lipids, though those are definitely added for many baking purposes.

It's more of a suspension than an emulsion most of the time, as a result. But again, that varies on it's purpose.

And because of that, and the fact that it's made from fungus and algae, makes it very similar to things like Ryze, which is apparently currently available for something you call "a lot of money" by purchasing it over your Network (or Internet, as you say).

There are other drinks like Ryze, but it so happens that the girlfriend of our counterparts purchased Ryse specifically, so that is the one that they are trying. In particular, they are trying Ryze Matcha, as opposed to Ryse Coffee, since we don't have anything remotely like a coffee bean on the Sunspot, but we do have a green stimulant kind of vaguely like Matcha that can be added to our formula.

We can't really truly compare the sensations of drinking our various forumlas to drinking Ryze, because there is an enormous physical gulf between the Earth and the Sunspot, and we cannot transport either liquid nor taste buds and nervous systems across that distance. And translating words, even with in the same language, between two individuals' personal experiences is inherently inaccurate to begin with.

But we can make some conjectures.

As far as flavor is concerned, we can infer some things. Humans are omnivors with a variety of sensitivities to flavors, and apparently our counterparts are something called a supertaster. They are more highly sensitive to flavor than their typical peers.

They report that Ryze Matcha tastes "green". Not just that it is green in color and therefore the flavor it has can be described as green, but that it reminds them of other green things that they have eaten. There is a bit of a spinach flavor, they report, but its very faint. There is also a faint green tea flavor. We don't know what either of these things really mean, but we know that spinach is a leafy vegetable and that green tea is also made from leaves. But then, they also say that these flavors are not like either of these things, either. They're similar but different.

More specifically, they report that Ryze Matcha does not taste like most mushrooms they've eaten. In fact, it bears a closer resemblance to the flavors they get when they drink from an old jug of water that maybe has some green stuff growing on the inside of it.

"Why would you do that?" I asked them.

And they replied with, "Carelessness."

Anyway, this seems relatively in keeping with our experiences with formula. Usually, it tastes kind of like some other vegetable matter, but different. But, whether those ways are similar to how humans experience Ryse and vegetables on Earth, we really don't know.

What we do know for sure is color. That's something that can be measured quite precisely via the wavelengths of light.

Of course, we may perceive that color differently than you, but thanks to technological measuring devices and mathematics, we can use the same names for the same wavelengths of light. So, when I say that something is green on the Sunspot, you will be able to trust that if you somehow visited your neurology will interpret that thing as what you know of as green, adjusting for the difference in our ambient lighting, of course.

And, yes, some formulas we use are nearly as green as Ryze Matcha, and they are gorgeous.

But most formula ends up in a wide spectrum of color between what you call khaki and a deep vibrant purple, thanks to the dominant colors of most fungi and algae found on the Sunspot.

Our sun produces more ultraviolet light than yours does and there is less shielding between it and the surface of the Garden, so most of our plant life has developed its own shielding, which comes in varieties of purple. Mostly, it's the algae that carries the purple coloring. Most of our fungus isn't green, either, but even when it is, the purples of the algae shift the colors to brown when mixed with it.

But green mosses, ferns, and algae are found in the darkest, deepest parts of our forests, where the sun never reaches the ground directly, and we find that color to be captivating, so our ancestors bred a small variety of green food algae strains specifically for culinary variety.

And the flavor of that stuff is definitely what we could call green.

[trivialbob]

This morning we took four dogs to the Minnehaha dog park. Three of them swam in the Mississippi River, then ran through lots of sand. Oliver is too dignified to get dirty like that. He took one sip of the very clear water and declared that to be enough for him.

Much of the sand on the other three dogs later got washed down my bathtub drain. They were so dirty that when we got home I put them outside, then took one at a time upstairs to get bathed. Oliver was the only one who wanted a bath. He didn't need one.

Minneapolis off-leash parks require permits. For years we duly purchased a permit for each dog. I affixed the metal tags to the collars. I even kept the paper permit with me because it said dog owners may need to show that paper permit.

Only once in about 10 years have we ever see a park patrol agent checking permits. Being a rule follower finally paid off! No ticket for me. The agent barely looked at my dogs' permits. Maybe a ticket would have been less expensive than the cost of all those annual permits, I wondered.

Someone that day didn't have a permit. The agent didn't write a ticket; instead she lazily told the guy to just put his dog on a leash.

And that is when I decided I had purchased my final Minneapolis off-leash permit.

[copperbadge]

Radio Free Monday

Good morning everyone, and welcome to Radio Free Monday!

Ways to Give:

Anon linked to a fundraiser for littlestpersimmon, an indigenous trans man who has struggled to support himself and his family this year and has been taking commissions to cover the gap. You can check out some of his work here and read more and find commission/giving information here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for Nisha, whose father was recently hospitalized with a brain infection and now has neurological issues that require a home nurse, as well as new medications and physical therapy; Nisha has had to stop working to help care for him. You can read more and support the fundraiser here.

coffeecocoatea-me linked to a fundraiser for a friend, actor and audiobook narrator Umi Markkanen, whose cat Blondie recently had to go to the emergency vet for sudden health complications; they had thought her pet insurance was current but it had been cancelled in October despite ongoing payments. You can read more and give to the fundraiser here.

Malcolmschmitz recently rescued an older kitten from a parking lot, and is fundraising to cover the unexpected costs that go along with rescue, including food and litter, rideshares to get the kitten to a foster home, and other expenses. As part of his fundraising, you can purchase a copy of his new book "The Cats and the Cockatrice", a novella about a plague doctor veterinarian and unruly cats. You can read more and reblog here or purchase the book here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for bakchang, whose cat Ellis just had cleft lip surgery; he's recovering nicely but the surgery was costly, and they're hoping to raise some funds to help cover it. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here or give through Venmo at lucifer_mp3 or Cashapp at $lucifermp3.

Anon linked to the St. Louis Zoo and its Zoo Parents program, which allows you to "adopt" an animal to help pay for its care and feeding. They're recommending support to adopt an Hellbender, under "Reptiles and Amphibians" at the adoption link. Adopters' names do appear on the website but you can designate that you wish to be anonymous.

Recurring Needs:

thegeeksqueaks is a high school science teacher (who has fundraised previously for supplies and comfort items for her students, particularly her neurodivergent and queer students) who has been seeking a diagnosis for ongoing migraines, vertigo, and head pain for most of the year; she now has a diagnosis and a procedure date, but needs to raise $1.5K to cover the post-insurance payment estimate. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here, give via Paypal here, and give via Venmo here.

rilee16 is raising funds to cover utilities, to afford medication and possibly an upcoming move without local support; they've also had expenses related to a recent incident where their roommate, who has been a problem for some time, got violent and the police got involved, and for their own safety they've had to stay elsewhere at times. Currently they are dealing with a shorted paycheck and an overdraft because of it. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

gwydion linked to a fundraiser for a friend, whose dog Rosie needs medical care, dental work, and special food; you can read more and give here at gofundme.

And this has been Radio Free Monday! Thank you for your time. You can post items for my attention at the Radio Free Monday submissions form. If you're new to fundraising, you may want to check out my guide to fundraising here.

[moontaingoat]

Shoplifting Tips for Beginners:

(compiling some of my tried and true advice in no particular order. these mostly apply to grocery stores because i find grocery stores the easiest to steal from, but you can apply most tips to other stores. none of these tips are guaranteed to keep you safe but they've always worked for me. also this is only about shoplifting small items that can fit on your person, because stealing large items is too risky for me personally.)

- be aware of who is around you without constantly looking around or appearing nervous. stay casual. don't let other customers witness you stealing, you never know who's a snitch.

- case the joint days beforehand without taking anything, buy an item or two. watch how vigilant the employees are, locate all the security cameras, find good unpopulated corners of the store where you can subtly stuff something in a pocket.

- FOOL THE CAMERAS TOO. i cant stress this point enough. most stores don't have someone consistently watching the cameras, but they'll roll back the footage to watch your whole trip if they see you being suspicious enough. ideally you'd like to find a place in the cameras' blind spots but it's not always possible. the footage is low res and limited by angle which can be exploited if you're smart about it. don't just stuff things in your pocket when no one's standing nearby. trick the cameras with sleight of hand. example: hold a small product in your hand. take your phone out of your pocket or purse and hold it in front of the product in the same hand while you pretend to text or something. then casually place both the phone and the product back in the phone's place. example 2: open a freezer door and stand between the door and the camera so the frosty glass blocks you as you fill your pockets or purse.

- purchase a couple of things when you steal. the more you actually buy, the less suspicious employees will be of you. you can get away with stealing a LOT just by going to a self checkout with over $100 of groceries and "forgetting" to scan several small items. (of course this requires the investment of actually buying groceries which not everyone can afford.)

- know the habits of the store you're stealing from. most walmarts ive been to check receipts after self checkout, so make sure any items not on your receipt are hidden under items you did pay for. ive never had my receipt checked at target but you never know.

- learn what kind of items have concealed security tags. usually this is limited to clothing, perfume, jewelry, and expensive meats or seafood, but stores that get shoplifted from frequently will often add their own. those ones are usually just a sticker that you can stealthily remove before taking the product past the security detectors at the door.

- speaking of detectors, they're imperfect technology. a lot of stores ignore the detectors going off unless they already suspect you of stealing because they glitch so much. pay attention to this and see if a store near you has this problem you can exploit

- if a security detector does go off while you walk past, you can just keep walking and pretend you didn't notice. employees will almost never follow you unless they already suspect you of stealing.

- if you do get caught with an item you didn't pay for, you can just say "whoopsie! must have missed this one!" and then go pay for it. as long as the employees don't recognize you as a repeat offender, they're not going to call the cops on you if you immediately act innocent and pay for the product.

- try to look well groomed. if you're stealing for survival you might not be able to dress well and look your best before a shoplifting trip but the "poorer" you look, the more employees will keep an eye on you.

- don't bring a big purse or a backpack. instantly makes you look suspicious. go for a small bag with barely any contents or baggy clothes with concealed pockets (weather permitting, because a huge jacket in the summer is another red flag)

- go during the busiest hours. at grocery stores, early afternoon on sunday is the busiest time of the week. especially the first sunday of the month because the food stamps customers have just gotten their month's supply. this means more customers and employees that could be witnesses, but it also means employees will be too busy to worry about you unless they think you're stealing a LOT. alternatively you can go in close to closing time where there won't be many witnesses and employees will be too busy getting ready to close to pay much attention to suspicious behavior.

- most grocery stores don't mind if you eat or drink the product before buying it, especially if you're feeding it to a fussy baby. you can exploit this rule by eating or drinking an entire single-serving product and then stashing the packaging somewhere without paying for it.

- if you're going to be a regular, be a friendly one. stealing from the same store too often is risky, but there's no good reason not to slip a block of cheese into your pocket instead of your cart on a routine trip, so to protect yourself from suspicion it helps to be a friendly regular. if you go a little past polite small talk with cashiers and bond with them, they'll trust you more.

- if youre underage stealing alcohol, don't be overconfident. limit yourself to 1 can of high abv seltzer or beer at a time and make sure your pocket bulging isn't obvious enough to give you away.

thats all i have for now i think. cops and losers and idiots who think law=morals dni

[boxoftheskyking]

So you might want to buy a house

DISCLAIMER: all of this is based on my own experience, and I am in no way a real estate professional. This is just some stuff that I’ve learned and some steps that I wish I’d known more about in advance, in hopes that it might be helpful for some people. I might get some terminology wrong, or make mistakes, but hopefully the general info is at least kind of helpful

ABOUT ME: because real estate stuff is specific. I am 33, single, employed, and live in a city in Minnesota, USA. This is my first home purchase, so most of this is specific to being a first-time buyer. I’ve been renting in this area for 15 years. I closed on my house in August 2023.

NOTE: The real estate market is super weird, and varies hugely from region to region, neighborhood to neighborhood, and week to week. What shook out for me will not be what shakes out for you.

This is SO LONG, so it’s under a cut, and I hope you will take it with the good faith in was intended!

Where do I start?

So you want to get started but want to talk things over first. This is a good idea! Even if you have friends and family who have bought before, it’s nice to talk to official type people where you can ask any and every question and know they’ve heard way dumber questions than you could ever come up with over the course of their career.

Employee Assistance Program -If you work a job that has benefits, you might have what’s called an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Some companies get it along with their health insurance as kind of a bundle, but a lot of people don’t talk about it or know about it. -EAPs are all different, they’re basically a resource hub that you might have access to if your employer covers it. Some things they offer are limited therapy/counseling sessions (usually around a specific need like a breakup/death/life transition), consultation about adoption, personal financial advising, and consultation on housing and buying property. -I used my EAP to find a bunch of organizations that work to support first-time home buyers. The one I went with, NeighborWorks Home Partners, is specific to my area, but there were other options listed. -I didn’t actually talk to anyone related to the EAP, I just logged in to a site that had a bunch of links. But I could have talked to someone if I wanted -If you work a job and have benefits like health insurance, retirement, dental, etc it’s worth asking whoever does your benefits (and HR person, general manager, office manager, etc) if there is an EAP. Again, a lot of people don’t really talk about it.

Homebuyer Education -There’s a bunch of different organizations that provide homebuyer education. I didn’t know many of the details about homebuying, and it’s super confusing and anxiety-inducing, so I found it helpful -There’s a few ways to do this—I did both a one-on-one consultation and an online class -The one-on-one consultation was free from the org I chose. We talked on Zoom and went over monthly budgets (which I didn’t really need to do, I make budgets for a living lolllll), a soft credit pull (will talk more about this below) and talk about what goes into a credit score, and all the different expenses that go into a house and what that might look like. At the end of the day, it gave me the first sense of what my budget for a house might be.  -They did a soft credit pull (see below), which gave me a sense of my credit. It was more accurate than a thing like Credit Karma or my bank. -One note about the consultation - my down payment assistance program (will talk more about this later) required me to redo it, because I did it over a year before closing. So depending on your programs you might need to pay attention to the timeline. I also got a certificate saying I did it that I submitted to my assistance program. (Redoing it meant like a 10 minute call where the guy just helped talk me through my closing documents) -It cost me $75 to take an online class that took a few hours. It was in 8 parts and included watching some videos, reading some short articles, and then taking quizzes. You had to get 80% right to pass, and you can redo it if you need to. It went over most of the things to know and had links to read more. I also got a certificate for that to submit, and it didn’t matter how much time had passed for my assistance program. 

Credit -I’m not going to explain everything about credit, because it is complicated -A soft credit pull is when they check the three major credit reporting agencies to get a general sense of your score. It’s not 100% accurate. -A hard credit pull is what lenders will do when you actually go in for a preapproval (more below). It will be the most accurate. A hard credit pull will have an affect on your credit score, so if you’re ever doing something that involves a hard credit pull, it’s best to do all of that within a month so that it only really hits once. -There are 3 credit reporting agencies, and your score will be different from each one. Why? no idea. They all have a different maximum number that your score can be. Why? again, no idea. It’s around 850 though. -Generally things get easier to do if your score is above 680ish. It’s not like you can’t get a house with a lower score, but sometimes there are other hoops to jump through. -I’m not very useful when it comes to buying a house with low credit, but I bet there are people who are!  -You build credit by owing money and paying it regularly. It’s annoying and dumb, but it’s the way it is. Paying rent on time builds your credit, having a credit card that you pay off every month builds credit, paying utility bills that are in your name builds credit. (Note: This stuff has to be in your name for it to count, so if you pay your roommate every month for the electric bill and it’s in their name, it won’t count. So if you’re in that situation, you may want to put something in your name like a card to build your score). Paying off a car or phone or student loan also helps. -I have really good credit, and I’m neither rich nor special. I just set everything to autopay, including my credit card bill. I use my credit card for most things that I just shop for in the world like groceries, etc, and then I have all my bills autopay from my checking account. How did people do this shit before autopay? I have no idea.

Mortgage vs. Rent -The benefit of paying a mortgage vs rent is that you’re building equity if you pay into a mortgage. This is a surprise tool that will help you later. Which means that if you are in a situation where you need money, you can borrow from what you’ve paid into your mortgage. So like if you get very sick or have a kid going to school or want to throw a big party, you could get a loan based on your equity -Equity is confusing, don’t ask me about it -For me, I pay a bit more per month than I did in rent at my last place. BUT mostly that’s because I’d been living in the same place for many years and my rent hadn’t gone up that much. One of the first things I did when considering buying is look at how much it would cost to rent a house like the kind I would want to buy. And those rents are over what I ended up paying monthly to my mortgage. -Keep in mind that you will be taking on some extra expenses that you don’t have as a renter (like maintenance, repairs, etc). Note: if you’re buying a condo, that’s different. I don’t know shit about that. -So for me, paying my landlord every month for him to occasionally (half-assedly) fix stuff (on his schedule, where he decides who to hire or how to do the work, where he is a stranger in my space for the duration) was not as appealing as me paying the bank every month so I can have some equity  -The first 6 months of owning a house feels like hemorrhaging money out of every orifice, but the majority of these expenses are one-time or rarely-reoccurring things. But I didn’t quite prepare for this the way I wish I had, so when you’re thinking about building your savings to buy a house, you’ll want to consider things like furniture, small repairs, pest control, duct cleaning, gutter cleaning, many many visits to a hardware store, realizing some of your stuff doesn’t fit the way it did in the old place and you have to get new things.... etc. 

The Money Stuff

Lenders -It might be appealing to start by looking at properties, but especially in a hot market that’s not what you want to do first -The first thing to do is to look at lenders! Lenders are basically the institutions that give you the loan to buy your house, and the ones you will be paying monthly for the 30 years of your loan (or until you sell) (or die I guess) -I talked to like 13 lenders, because I love an excuse not to move forward on scary things, so I just do research and research and research until I run out of steam. So i don’t necessarily recommend doing that. But you definitely want to talk to at least a few. -Lenders can be banks (like Bank of American, US Bank, Wells Fargo, etc), credit unions (like Affinity, RCU, etc), or smaller mortgage companies. -You can also talk to mortgage brokers, which are companies that have agreements with different banks or companies and can shop around on your behalf. -I got my list of people to talk to from: my consultation (above), friends who had bought/were buying, friends who like their bank/credit unions for other things -You’ll have a specific person you’re working with, so who that person is matters. -Things you’ll want to ask about 1. How is their communication? How big is your team? If you see a house on a Saturday and they need offers by Sunday afternoon, how likely is it that they will get your preapproval letter ready in time?  2. Are they good at explaining things to you? Do they work with first-time homebuyers a lot? Do you feel dumb talking to them? Are they mortgage nerds and genuinely seem like they care about finding you good deals and cool programs? 3. What are their interest rates at the moment? Know that this will change between now and the time you have the option to lock in, so don’t put too too much weight on this 4. Most importantly: What assistance programs do they have access to? Everyone has different ones, which we’ll talk about below. Don’t assume that because a bank is huge that they have a ton of assistance. Some small places have really great programs. Likewise, some of the banks that are more well-known for big ticket mortgages (like Jumbo loans for mansions, etc) actually have crazy good programs for low-income and first-time home buyers, because they need to show that they also work for the little guy -I ended up going with a small local mortgage company because they had a kickass program ($10,000 in down payment assistance that is forgivable in 5 years. So as long as I don’t sell my house in 5 years, I don’t have to pay that back). -You may be tempted to solely base your decision on who to get a mortgage from on the politics of the lending institution. This is a lovely instinct. HOWEVER, your mortgage can be sold to anyone at any time. Within a month of moving in, my mortgage was sold to Freddie Mac. I still pay the credit union that is the servicer of my loan, but it all goes back to the big guy in the end. So basically you have no control of where your money ends up. (or maybe you do somehow, ask someone else about that) -At the end of the day, you should apply to like 2-4 different lenders. Once you fill out your application, they’ll do a hard credit pull and look at all your income, bank accounts, etc, and they’ll pre-approve you for a certain amount of money. -This is really where you’ll get your house-hunting budget. There can be a pretty big range in what you’re approved for! One lender approved me for $220K (”maybe $225K” they said). Another approved me for $280K. You’ll want to pick a lender based on all the above information, along with the amount you’re approved for. Being approved for $280K doesn’t mean that’s what you should spend (you can, but I don’t recommend it), but it does mean that your budget can be more like $250K, compared for $225K. You’ll want to look around at your area to see what’s reasonable for you.

Downpayment Assistance -for a lot of first-time buyers, the downpayment (and closing costs) is the thing that’s standing between you and being a homeowner. So that’s what a lot of organizations focus on -The more you put down (i.e. pay right off the bat), the lower your loan will be, and therefore the less your monthly payment will be. So it’s worth it to try and pay down as much as possible -(Likewise, if you buy and house and then get a windfall and are like What do I do with all this cash, paying down your mortgage will save you money) -This is because you pay MORE in interest than you pay for your house, so the less your loan is, the less you’re paying in interest. If you find a way to pay off your loan early, you end up paying less interest! And you win against the bank! If you get a raise and are able to put even like an extra $100 towards your mortgage each month, that can cut years off your loan and build your equity more quickly, thereby cutting down on the interest you end up paying. So unlike paying more money to a landlord who will eat it with a spoon, maybe more in your mortgage early is helpful for you. -Lots of downpayment assistance (hereinafter DPA) is stackable! So you can qualify for multiple programs and use them all -Many have an income requirement (for one of mine, I need to make 80% of the median income in my area or less). -Many are location specific. Some of those you can look up in advance and try to focus on properties in those areas. Some are super super specific, like this block only, or these specific addresses. That’s true for one of my programs—whenever I was considering making an offer on a house, I’d email my lender and she’d tell me if that specific address counts for the assistance program -At the end of the day, I got $30K in assistance. $10K of that is forgivable in 5 years (so I don’t have to pay it back unless I sell in that time). The other $20K is from two separate no-interest loans. This means that if I sell the house, I have to pay back that amount. Ideally by that time I’ll have enough equity in my house that will cover that. -Interest rates are super high right now, so if you’re buying now you want to think about refinancing. Refinancing is basically when you negotiate a new deal with your lender. There are fees and things (I’ve never done it so IDK), but the benefit of doing that is getting a lower interest rate. So my rate is 6.25%, and in 5 years if the rate goes down to like 2.3% I may want to refinance so I’ll be paying less in interest over the course of my loan. -If you’re getting DPA that’s a loan, you will want to ask what happens when you refinance. They’ll probably tell you either you have to pay it back when you refinance (so don’t get stuck in that situation if you don’t have that $$$ on hand) or they’ll say it’ll be subordinated -this took me like weeks to get a straight answer on wtf is subordination. Basically, you pay your loans off in order, right, so you pay your mortgage and then after that you pay off your DPA loans. So if you refinance, then your mortgage ends up being “newer” I guess. So in order to put the mortgage back “on top” of the pile to pay off, so to speak, you pay that (and it’s interest) first, the DPA loans get shoved down underneath the mortgage on the list. 

Interest Rates -You can’t control interest rates. Honestly markets are so volatile and the world is so close to ending, I would say it’s not worth waiting for them to go down. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. No one fuckin knows -So many global, political, circumstantial things affect these, and who knows what might happen. My friends happened to be closing during the time the debt ceiling almost freaked out, which was outside of their control, so they got screwed with a super high rate.  -After you get an offer accepted and you’re working on setting up your loan, you’ll usually get the offer to “lock in” an interest rate. Basically, if you have reason to believe rates will go down before you close, don’t do it. if you think they’ll go up, then do it. Who fuckin knows. I did it bc I didn’t think it was likely stuff would go down. And I haven’t looked it up bc if they did I don’t want to know -There are more complicated things you can do with interest rates, like “floating down” and APRs and other shit. Don’t ask me about them, I do not know.

Looking for houses

Realtors -Who your realtor is MATTERS y’all. Here is what a realtor will do: 1. Give you access to a Super Awesome online listing of properties (much better than Zillow! Updates constantly). They will set your search filters based on what you specifically want and your specific budget. That includes size, amenities, location, school district, garage, yard, etc etc 2. Arrange showings for you. Sometimes you might want to go to open houses, but you don’t have to wait for those to see a house. You tell your realtor what you’re interested in and they can set up a time for just you and them to see the place 3. Access houses with funky lil lockboxes. Heist teams should include realtors—I’ve seen my guy get into the weirdest of devices in no time 4. Recommend places to you 5. Talk on your behalf with the seller’s agents or the sellers themselves 6. Take you all the way through your offers, acceptance, all the way to closing (basically, most of the rest of this post) -I am really lucky that a friend of mine is one of the best realtors in town (in my humble opinon). It really worked out for me, because when it came to negotiating price and terms with sellers and their agents, people already respected him and his expertise because he was a known fixture in the field. I’m not saying that an early-career or unknown realtor is bad, but reputation can do a lot of heavy lifting for you (as you’ll see later) -My realtor, S, is not only a friend, but also someone who has owned, rented, built, remodeled, bought, and sold everything from high rise condos to alpaca farms to tiny houses built in shipping containers. That experience was super useful to me for a few reasons: 1. He was very very good at looking at a roof, foundation, or basement, and saying “absolutely not, this is a mess” —I could only rarely see what he was talking about because I know nothing 2. If I looked at a space and said “what if I wanted to add a shower there?” or “could I make this basement area a bedroom?” S was able to pretty accurately estimate what that would cost. So that became part of the math as we looked at places, which was really useful and saved me so much time doing research on my own 3. He’s a queer artist who grew up in a nontraditional family and has lived many fascinating and non-standard lives. I only mention this because when I wanted to talk about my future and what my home could look like, I didn’t have to worry about S making assumptions about what “family” consists of or what my “role” would be. And as a single woman who is looking to adopt, that really meant a lot to me! -(side note if you’re in the Twin Cities and want S’s info, hit me up) -The most important thing about working with S, for me, is that he never made me feel foolish. I gradually got really good at talking about and looking at houses, but even when I asked questions that were obviously, or made incorrect assumptions, he never treated me like I should have known the answers, or like the process was supposed to be easy. And the guy genuinely loves houses!

What to Look For -You’ll want to find a house that fits what you want your life to be, not necessarily what it is at this moment. So think about what you want your day to day to be like. Will you be working from home at all? Do you have or want kids or pets? Do you want to be a person who hosts out of town guests? Do you want to have band practice at your place? Do you want to host D&D? Large holiday meals? Do you want to garden? Grill? Have a firepit? Do you have a car, or do you think you will? Do you have physical access needs based on your body, like particular types of doorways, floors, stairs, size of spaces, etc.? Are there furniture pieces that are important to you that you want to plan around? (For me, I have an electric piano, and placing that was super important).

-I’m a single person, and I want to adopt a kid, and I know I’ll need a roommate in order to afford my mortgage. So it was vital for me to find a house that either had 3 bedrooms, or had 2 bedrooms and a 3rd could be easily finished/added. it was also important that my roommate would have their own private space that was decent size for me to charge rent -Think about all year round. I live in Minnesota, and you better believe snow was top of mind at every house. As a renter, my landlord was supposed to deal, with anything over 3 inches (did he always? of course not). Now it’s my responsibility. What kind of trees are around? Do you have big storms? You need to pay attention to big branches and power lines. Is it getting super hot where you live? You probably want to prioritize central air, or shade.

-On the topic of central air - It’s pricey to add it to a house that doesn’t have forced air heat, because you have to add all the ductwork. If that’s the case and you don’t have that $$$, you can either go with window units or something called a mini-split. It’s basically mini air conditioners that heat floors separately, but have a better range than a window unit. -Does the house have a yard you want to deal with? How about a sidewalk you have to shovel (woe unto you in corner lots) -How does bussing work for the schools in your area, if that matters to you? -Some houses will be empty. Empty rooms look smaller than rooms that have shit in them -Some will be staged. People who stage houses don’t fill them with STUFF, so you’ll notice few bookcases, coatracks, etc. Think about the stuff you have, not the stuff they put in the house. -You will be AMAZED at how some people live. Seriously. Some people have a giant ass oak tree literally leaning on their roof and just deal with it. Some people have 3 bedroom houses, and the only bathroom is only accessible by going through one of the bedrooms. Some people have their fridge down a flight of stairs from the kitchen. Some people have their laundry in the basement, but the only access to the basement is through an outside door. In some climates that’s fine, but I live in fucking Minnesota -I had the instinct when I started looking that I needed to be entirely open to everything, and not be too picky. After about two weeks of looking (and S had me going to like 4-9 showings a day some days), I got real picky real fast. This was helpful for S and helpful for me, so we weren’t wasting time on houses that weren’t contenders. I learned that the houses’ feelings did not get hurt by me not wanting to buy them -Likewise, I started out being entirely open about where I wanted to live. Anywhere in the Cities or near suburbs, I said. But then I went to see houses in these places and realized I did not want to drive that far to work, or that the only way to access places was by the highway, so if it shuts down or there’s a bad snowstorm, I’m stuck. -To that end, i found it really helpful to make myself a Google map (you can make some and save them) of where I go. I included work, church, my bandmates houses, bars I like to go to, and my friends’ houses. Then whenever I was considering a house I’d plunk it on the map and see how it lined up with the realities of my life. -We’ll talk about offers in a sec, but remember that people can technically list their house for whatever number they want. So it’ll be up to you and your realtor to decide what’s fair. I mention this here, because a house may be listed way cheaper than others on your list—there’s likely a reason for that, but if it looks promising, give it a try! It could be that the reason it’s listed low doesn’t matter to you (i.e. it’s next to an annoying business that you don’t mind, or doesn’t have a garage but you don’t have a car, or the other houses int he neighborhood have yards and this doesn’t). Or it could be the seller needs to move it FAST and you can take advantage of their situation. -If you’re a handy person, a cheaper house might be a great option if fixing it up to be what you want is affordable for you. (Again, this is where a realtor like S can be super helpful to come up with those costs). For me, I didn’t want to do jack shit to the house, and I knew I’d be paying for that. (not that I don’t have a whole spreadsheet of eventual projects....but that’s invevitable) -Likewise, it can be helpful to set your filters to include houses a bit above your budget. Some people list their houses WAY higher than they should, so if you see a property that’s been on the market for a while (when I was looking the market was hothothot, so “a while” could mean anything over a week/10 days. In a slower market, you’ll want to look at those that have been listed for 30+ days), it might be worth checking out and then offering low. Chances are the seller will need to reduce the price anyway if they’re not getting any bites, and you could get a good deal by jumping in before they do that. -IDK where else to put this, but measure the garage. I didn’t, and I discovered like a month ago that my car (a little compact Toyota) is too long for my damn garage. It’s not that I wouldn’t have bought the house because of that, but I could have included it in some negotiations.

Offers -So you found a house you like! Now the scary part. 

-You’ll get a sense of the market from your realtor, and they can usually advise you about how quickly you need to move on a potential offer. Sometimes a seller will give a deadline themselves: they call this “best and highest.” So they’ll say “we’re hearing offers at 3pm tomorrow” or “we’re asking for best and highest on Monday.” Generally that’s the cutoff for receiving viable offers. -In the market when I was buying, it was pretty common for houses to sell for 20-40K over the asking price. Again, some houses would be listed too high or too low, as I mentioned before, but on average that’s what I was working with. There were also a TON of offers on all the properties I liked. The lowest number of offers on a house I tried to get was 5, the highest was 19. That is kind of insane. In a slower market, when you’re not competing with that many people, you can offer closer to the asking price (or some people just say “asking” as in “20 over asking”) -The first thing I did when I decided to put in an offer, was to talk to my realtor so he could start getting the paperwork together. You can’t just email the seller and say “i want your house,” there are legal documents that have to be drawn up to make it a binding agreement if it’s accepted. -My folks bought their house without a realtor and did all the negotiating, etc, themselves, but they still needed a realtor friend to do the paperwork for them. If you go that route, you can probably do more informal offers, but IDK how that works. -The next thing I did was contact my lender for the following things: 1. I gave them the address and asked “Does this fall within certain DPAs?” 2. I asked them to run some numbers for me. Usually it was a version of: “What would my monthly payment be if I offered $240K and put down $5K in earnest money, and if I had $20K of downpayment assistance? How about if I offered $245K or $250K? What if I only put down $2500?” This helped me figure out what kind of offer I could reasonably make, and what it would actually cost me monthly if I got the house. 3. Then, when I decided what I wanted to offer, I would ask for a preapproval letter that includes the address of the property, basically saying “hey we’re a lender and we will give Jay a loan of $XX to buy this house, pinky promise” -I copied S on all my communications with the lender, so he knew what I was considering and he could give advice -(sometimes I saw a house on Friday and had to make an offer by noon on Saturday, leading to me trying to call my lender at 9am on a Saturday morning, which sucked. This is why knowing who’s on your lender’s team and how to contact them matters) -There’s no hard and fast way to decide on a good offer, because you won’t know how many you’re competing against. Sometimes your realtor might be able to chat with the sellers agent and find out how many people saw the property, if they have a sense of how popular it is, but sometimes you want. You want to be able to afford it, but also not go so low that you won’t even be considered. -Usually, your realtor will ask you to write a love letter to the house to include in the offer. “Dear seller, I love your house because of blah blah blah, I can see myself doing blah blah blah, specifics specifics.” Do these matter? I don’t feel like they do but whatever. Make a template and update it for each offer. -One thing to note about this is that you DO NOT want to give information about yourself regarding your status in a protected class (i.e. “we’re a young queer couple; I’m a neurodivergent person; I’m an immigrant/veteran/belong to X racial group”). It might seem like that would be helpful in certain areas, but sellers aren’t legally allowed to pick a buyer based on those things, so it ends up working against you.  You can talk about what you do as a job or as a hobby, if you’re an artist, if you’re a parent, if you have pets, if you know who else will be living int he house with you, etc. You can hint at things. But S was very clear with me about keeping it pretty general and about the house. -Once you’ve decided on the $$$ you’re offering, you need to decide if there’s anything else to add to “sweeten the pot.” For some people, that’s saying “my timeline is totally flexible, so if you need to close in a month that’s fine, and if you need to close in 4 months that’s fine.” A lot of people choose to waive inspections. -OHHHHHH Ye olde inspection. Dear God. -The inspection is basically a thing where you hire a professional to look at the house before you officially seal the deal, and they tell you if there are things you need to be concerned about. So if the inspector comes in and says “yeah this roof is going to cave in in a year,” you can use that in your negotiation and say “look, I’m going to lower my offer by $15K, because I will need a new roof in a year.” then it’s up to the seller to decide if they want to agree to that, or if they want to try again to find a buyer who hopefully would not get an inspection. -to “waive an inspection” means that you’re agreeing to skip this step -OK so my instinct was always “I will NEVER waive the inspection,” and a lot of people feel that way. HOWEVER, I did not get certain houses because the people who did offered exactly what I did and waived the inspection. There was a buyer who had made SEVENTEEN OFFERS and beat me out on a house, and they got that house after SEVENTEEN OTHER TRIES because they waived an inspection. -I did get an inspection with my house, which was lucky and also thanks to S being a great negotiator. -I waived it on one of my offers -I would say I’d be comfortable waiving an inspection if: 1. You or your realtor knows shit about buildings, codes, etc. S knew a lot, so was able to look at things like furnaces, windows, basement beams, foundations, etc etc. 2. The important parts of the house are easily visible. Usually this means an unfinished basement. if the basement is finished, you probably can’t see all the structural things you’d need to 3. You’re already planning to do a bunch of work on a house, so you’re offering a lower bid and budgeting to do renovations anyway -At the end of the day, it’s your call. More about inspections below. -Most people who buy houses have mortgages, meaning that they can’t just drop $250K on a house. However, some people got it like that, so they make what is called a cash offer. Cash offers will win out every time, because they are usually higher, are easier for the sellers, and will often waive inspections. Depending on your region and your budget, you may or may not see this. I got screwed SO MANY TIMES and so did my friends, by all-cash, no inspection offers. The majority of these are from people who are buying properties to rent out or Airbnb - they won’t live there so they don’t really care if it’s solid, and my budget range seemed to be about where rich people who don’t want to flip a house felt comfortable buying. It was annoying. -but hey if you got it like that, go for it. -Once you have all the terms of your offer figured out, your realtor will send you the official offer paperwork that you’ll sign (prob. digitally). Then they’ll send it over to the seller and be in charge of all that communication. If the seller comes back with a counter, or with questions, your realtor will bring that to you. They may advise you, but at the end of the day it is up to you what you’ll offer and what you’ll accept.

You got accepted!

-Holy cats, they said yes to your offer and your terms! This is a huge moment to celebrate! I cried! And obsessively looked at pictures of the house over and over -The seller may come back to you with some proposed adjustments. In my case they wanted to round the selling price up by $1K, which I agreed to. (IDK why they cared, but in the grand scheme that was fine). They also wanted to change some of the verbiage in the offer that didn’t actually affect anything. -The first thing you’ll need to do is put down the earnest money. That is usually held in a trust or something similar until closing. But basically, if you said you’d put down $5K of your own money in the offer, you have to prove you have it right away. So don’t offer to put down earnest money that you don’t have! -The higher this number, the more appealing your offer generally is -There are a lot of things that will need to wait until you close, so this period of time feels really weird -You’ll have a purchase agreement (along with any addendums or changes) that basically says “I’m Jay and I offer $XX, the seller agreed to the price and the terms, we’ll see how it goes from here and if it all goes well, this deal will go through” -I’m gonna say it now, don’t ask me about escrow. Escrow is basically like an account where money lives between you and the bank. You pay extra into this account so that if something happens and you can’t pay what you agreed, the bank still gets the money for a certain period of time. or something like that, I don’t know, it gives me a headache. I’m sure other people understand it better.

Next steps

Inspection -If you included an inspection in your offer/purchase agreement, you’ll want to set that up within a few days. (Don’t worry about booking “last minute,” inspectors pretty much always work on that kind of schedule. Very few people are booking inspectors weeks in advance. This was something I felt bad about, but it’s okay)

-Inspections are pricey, and usually have different packages that include different things. I chose to do the sewer scope bc I had a friend who found some crazy sewer issues and I didn’t want to deal with it. Your realtor can probably give you advice on what you might need. -Inspector look at a lot of things: all your systems (like heating, cooling, pipes, electricity, etc),  your windows, roof, foundation, gutters, attics, floors, plumping, appliances, etc. -They do NOT open walls/ceilings/floors, etc. So if it’s not visible, they won’t be able to report on it.  -They’ll send you a big ol’ report, and if you can be there with them they’ll do a walk through with you to talk over big issues. Your realtor should come to that as well, as they might have good questions. -After you have the information, you have to decide if there are any big issues that need to be addressed. The inspector will flag things that are a problem legally, but it’s up to you how much you care about them. Some will be easy fixes. Others might be deal breakers that mean you decide to walk away from the property entirely. Most things will be in the middle.  -Note that some things are legally “issues” but practically may not matter. There are certain outlets on the outside of my house that aren’t right, but I don’t intend to use them much and if it turns out I need to, it’s not that expensive to switch them out. My basement stairs are an absolutely death trap, but my laundry is upstairs and so i dont really need to use them much. I could spend like $4K to replace them, but I don’t care at this point, and it’s not a big issue for me. But legally they are terrible. -Some things may be an absolute problem that the seller needs to deal with before you’ll agree to by the house. -You and your realtor will come up with a list of things you want to tell the seller to fix before closing. They might fight you on some of them, and again that’s why the realtor being a good negotiator matters. -Generally, you want to ask for fixes on the important things, without asking for every little thing, so the seller doesn’t decide you’re too much trouble and they could probably back out and get a better offer that wouldn’t cost them as much in repairs. -for me, the garage door was busted so they defnitely needed to fix that. There was a pipe that was put in wrong that was a quick fix. And there were birds in the attic, so they needed to clear those out and go through and block up all the entry points in the room. All of these requests were reasonable, and the sellers agreed to them. -At this point, it’s up to you if you want to pay for a re-inspection (i.e. the inspector coming back to verify that they did all the work they were supposed to). I didn’t—instead I had them give me all the receipts from the work that was done along with photos and video of the work. That way if something is a problem in the future, I can contact the companies that did the work and take advantage of warranties, etc.

Home Service Warranty -Speaking of warranties! There’s a thing called a Home Service Warranty that you’ll need to decide on. Mine is through American Home Shield. Basically this is a warranty that covers things in your house. There are different levels of coverage, so some just cover the big things like windows/roof/furnace/water heater/etc. As you upgrade, it’ll include things like stoves, fridges, dishwashers, etc. -If you’re getting your own warranty, you basically pay a certain amount per month for the coverage. Then if any of the covered things break down, it get’s fixed for free (plus a small service charge. For me that’s $125). So if your inspector tells you “hey, you’ve got about a year left on this water heater” or “the furnace has some issues that might come up in a few years” you could save a BUNCH of money by having this coverage. -My realtor got this warranty included in my purchase agreement, so the seller is actually paying for a. year of my coverage at he upgraded level. This is SICK AS HELL and not every realtor will think of it—definitely mention it to yours. I didn’t even think of it as an option. Basically what this means is that if any of my stuff breaks this first year, I can get it replaced for very cheap AND I don’t even have to pay the monthly coverage fee. -When I moved in, my shower was broken. I tried to fix it, but the called AHS and I only paid $125 for a plumber to come look at it, order parts (which would have been pricey since my house is pretty old), and fix it for me. I hate my fridge, so I have a goal to break it this year so I can get a new one for free.

Appraisal -Okay, so you got the seller to agree to your fixes, everything is moving apace. It is time for the GOD DAMN APPRAISAL -(for many people, the appraisal is fine and is not GOD DAMN anything. For me, it was a nightmare and I didn’t sleep for like 2 weeks) -Okay so what is an appraisal. Basically, the seller said “my house is worth $XX” you said “I’ll pay $XX for it.” Your lender said “we’ll give Jay a loan for $XX.” But now someone else has to look at the house and determine if it’s a fair price for the house. This is what really determines the loan you’ll get (this is also why what you’ve gotten so far is a pre-approval. They’ve basically said “you’re capable of paying back a loan of $XX, but we need an outside agency to determine if this house is worth is”) -The appraiser will look at the house, inspection reports, and other sales of similar houses in your area. Ideally, this helps them determine if the price you and the seller have agreed on is in line with what is reasonable. -Banks are not going to give you a $400K loan on a potting shed in a ditch -It’s all complicated and this is where a lot of shit in the Housing Crisis came from -Basically, you want the appraisal to come at or higher than your purchase price. (if it comes in higher, do a little dance bc you got a deal) -If it comes in lower, you can be in trouble. That’s what happened to me. -A note about rules & regs - lenders cannot talk directly to appraisers. This is because of the housing crisis and all the shady backroom deals that were happening (i.e. if you appraise this house at this price, we’ll give you Mr. Appraiser Guy some kickbacks from the extra money we’re making in mortgage interest or whatever). In practical terms, this means it takes FOREVER to get messages to all the parties involved.  -If the appraisal comes in low, you can ask for a reappraisal. It’s up to the appraiser if they agree. There are rules about this. -What Happened To Me: OK so my house is in a historically Black and immigrant neighborhood (read, historically redlined). This means a lot of the properties here are undervalued based on other locations. In a hot market, even undervalued properties can go up in price in a big way. In a slow market, that doesn’t happen so much. My appraiser only wanted to pull comps (meaning comparable sales of similar houses in the same area) in my exact neighborhood. However, there hadn’t been any sales of similar size/age/etc houses in my exact neighborhood since last winter. Guess what the market is like in the winter in Minnesota! Fucking SLOW boy. So these comps were coming in like $20K lower than my agreed price. So my realtor and lender took a look and said “look, if we widen out a little bit to these nearby neighborhoods, we can see all these more recent sales that are closer to our price.” It took two weeks of back and forth to get the appraiser to agree to add some of these comps to the appraisal. He was really reluctant to look outside my immediate area, because my neighborhood is of “lower value” than the surrounding areas. Structural racism, baby. Not against me, but against my neighbors and everyone who’s lived in this area for the past 150 years. Hooray. Finally, I got a re-appraisal that was $8K lower than my purchase price. So I was in a pickle. I had an agreement with the seller saying I’ll pay $XX, while the bank is now saying “we’ll only give you a loan for $XX-minus-$8K.” So either I need to come up with $8K MORE of a down payment in earnest money, or I need the purchase price to go down. Or i need to find more assistance. HERE IS WHERE HAVING S MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. He went to the seller and basically used his status and significant experience to say “Look, you can either agree to lower the purchase price by $8K, or we all walk away. If we walk away, this means you have to re-list the house, wait for more offers. And then even if you get an offer as good as or better than Jay’s, that person will still need to go through the appraisal process. So...  you’ll probably be right back here. The only chance you have of skipping appraisal is if someone comes in with a cash offer, meaning they won’t need a loan and no bank is involved. But for a lot of the reasons the appraisal is low, those types of buyers (who often want rentals/vacation rental properties) ain’t looking to buy in this neighborhood.”

(or that’s what I imagine he said. It was probably smarter)

ANYWAY, all that to say a MIRACLE occurred, and the seller agreed to lower the purchase price of the house by $8K. I can tell you the whole story of how I found out over a drink sometime, but let me tell you I wepttttttt

-Anyhow, once the appraisal is good and you’re pretty sure the deal is going through, you gotta get insurance. call a bunch of places, figure out what coverage you need, see if it’s cheaper or easier to put car/life/etc in the same place. You have to have insurance if you have a home loan - basically the bank owns the house, so it’s in their interest to have it covered in case of disaster.

Closing

-I’m going to be quick on this, because it’s super technical and I only kind of understand it. -Closing is basically the day where you sign all the paperwork, after which the house is yours! Then you can start moving, renovating, decorating, whatever you want. -One of the things that’s part of closing is the Title and Title Insurance. Basically, you need to pay to have the paper that says you own the house, and then you have to pay for insurance on that piece of paper. Why. IDK.  -At this point there’s so many random fees and charges, I just kind of looked at the totals and made sure nothing was way out of range of what I expected.  -A few days before closing, you should have the following: 1. receipts/evidence from any fixes made to the house or a re-inspection report 2. Closing disclosures, which basically means any information that’s attatched to the deed for the home. This can include unpaid property taxes, any weird liens on the property, any easement agreements with neighbors you should know about, etc. 3. All the paperwork you will sign! -It is in your best interest to read ALL OF IT if you can. (the title person was surprised I’d read mine, which I found super worrying lol) -If you are buying a house by yourself, you will not BELIEVE how many times you will read “Jay, A SINGLE PERSON, is buying a house ALONE AND BY THEMSELF, as a SINGLE UNMARRIED ALONE PERSON” Very judgy. What are you, my grandma? -One thing about disclosures—it’s up to your title company to do research on weird shit that might be attached to your property. You can technically choose your title company, but I wouldn’t not recommend looking for the cheapest option if the company doesn’t have much of a track record. I had an issue come up with a payment the seller owed that was delayed, and my title company had to be the one that caught that. My friend and his husband got in trouble because some seller 5 years ago didn’t pay property taxes, and so the IRS came for THEM. The title company should have caught that before they closed and had it dealt with. They won’t end up paying it, but it’s a huge pain and they have to argue with the IRS which is never fun. -On closing day, you’ll do a final walk through with your realtor. This is your last chance to bring up any issues! You DEFINITELY want to do this walk through. If the seller left the door unlocked and an entire family has taken up residence in the living room, you need to know! If the contractor they hired to fix the plumbing knocked a new whole in the wall, you need to know! Don’t expect that the seller will tell you about any new issues that they caused. -This is your last chance to say “Hey, there’s a new major issue that wasn’t reporting, i ain’t signing shit until we re-negotiate” -If you find yourself in this situation (hopefully you won’t!) PLEASE don’t be afraid to say something! Don’t worry about how much time and money has already been put into it, or about calling out a seller who is acting in bad faith or fucked somethign up. This is your house! It matters! And your realtor should have your back. -But most of the time, the final walk through is fine! Then you go somewhere to sign all the paperwork. If you’re like me and have 3 different types of DPA, it will be two giant folders worth of paperwork.  -Once you sign the paperwork with the Title Company, they’ll put the paperwork through. After that happens, the bank should transfer the whole ass agreed amount to the seller. Also, if your DPA is in the form of other smaller loans from other sources, those should be paying to the seller at the same time. -in MY case, one of my DPAs took 3 hours to process for some reason, so I had the most anti-climactic closing ever. I signed everything, waited for an hour and a half, and then they were like “you can go, we’ll email you when you officially own the house” So I just awkwardly hung around and ate pancakes until I got the email. -Let’s say you have a relative who wants to help you out with your downpayment (Yay! Every little bit counts!) Or let’s say you’re living with someone who doesn’t want the house to be in their name, but they want to contribute to these initial costs. You’ll want to talk to your lender about this as soon as you know about it. There is special paperwork for “gifts” that basically let’s it go directly to you downpayment but it doesn’t count towards your income. So if Grandma Bob says “I got $10K for you” and you just deposit the check in your account and plan to pay $10K more in earnest money, that will suddenly look like you have $10K more money to your name, so might change how your loan and DPA shake out. But if you get Grandma Bob to sign a particular document and give you a certified check, you can just give that right to the Title person and it goes right to making your downpayment bigger, therefore making your loan smaller! Thanks Grandma Bob! -”Cash to close” is essentially what you are paying at closing via all sources. So that’s your downpayment (including all assistance) any gifts, your earnest money, etc. Sometimes you have additional closing costs. They may be covered by DPA, or you may be on the hook to write an additional check. You’ll know this in advance. -Hey, check it out, you own a house now! -(keep all your paperwork0 -They’ll give you a document you have the file with the city called Homestead filing, basically telling the city that you own a house and you live there.

NOW WHAT?

-Now I’m done telling you things. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more, but also talk to professionals in your region who know things. -I started writing this post before I closed in July 2023. It’s now mid-November, and I’ve been living here for 3 months. Here’s some stuff I’ve learned that might be helpful: 1. It’s good to know what kid of walls you have (drywall vs. plaster and lathe, etc) because that determines how you can hang things on them. Also if you have plaster walls, just get a cheap magnetic stud finder. The fancy electronic ones often don’t work 2. It’s good to have a drill. It just is. 3. If there’s a big project you need done (say your garage is too short for your goddamn car), you may qualify for a home improvement loan from the same kind of orgs that give DPA. I’m doing it just because I don’t want to drop $3K in one go. Technically I have 4 years to pay it off, but I’m going to make larger monthly payments and pay it offer quicker than that.  4. We can talk about contractors and permit and zoning all day. Suffice to say, it’s good to look up who to talk to at the city about construction permits, and they can be both incredibly confusing and very nice. Often at the same time. 5. If you’re gonna have a roommate or partner or non-child family member who is paying you monthly to help with the mortgage, DRAW UP A LEASE. You want shit in writing, and they have rights as tenants that need to be respected. Many a relationship has been saved by PUTTING SHIT IN WRITING. (there are templates you can find) 6. FEELINGS: People always tell you “You won’t know how you feel about X until you do it.” Getting a dog, moving away from your folks, living with a partner, whatever. I am here as an old man to tell you, they are right. I had no idea I would have such BIG FEELINGS about this lil old house. When I come home and my roommate has the lights on and it has a glow, I feel so much that sometimes I cry! Setting things up, making decisions about organization, learning how to be in my space, means so so much more to me now than it ever did when I was renting. The stress is greater, too, because I have to make all the decisions! It’s exhausting! But every day in my house I am so happy to be here, I’m so glad my other offers weren’t accepted, because this is the best of the houses I looked at. It is my 117 year old baby and I love it forever.

Also I never want to do this again lol I’ve decided to die here.

[birdlibrary]

if yre not first searching ebay when u need to buy something online yr absolutely doing it wrong. ebay rules i love ebay. ebay has almost everything you need. it's easy to find a good seller bcuz the reviews will always be pretty honest & reliable. although it is not *required* it is a huge part of ebay culture to review all items you purchase as a buyer, which is part of what makes ebay so great since it allows you to weed out sellers who have been unreliable or sell kinda bad quality products. you will also get reviewed as a buyer. a lot of things have free shipping and most of the time it's coming from an actual person who has chosen to run an ebay store. they likely package up your item themself and mail it to you directly from their home or something. one time I ordered a new notebook and got a note inside from the seller with $2 saying that shipping wasn't as expensive as he thought so he enclosed a couple bucks as refund. today I got a power cable for my sewing machine in the mail from a seller who, upon viewing his profile, is clearly passionate about recycling old junk and sells mostly hard to find power cables, parts for fans, paper furnace instructions, just the most random stuff like that. and in my package today he included a little piece of cardboard, presumably to maintain pkg rigidity in the mail, but he also drew a little smiley face and wrote 'thank you' along with something else I couldn't even decipher in a thick sharpy scrawl. literally how cute is that!!!! im over here thinking about this guy collecting things, rescuing power cables form tangled thrift store bins, packaging all these items up for people and mailing them out, writing little notes; it must bring him joy to do so. fuck amazon so hard but also the whimsy and joy of ebay is so nice!! im literally having fun buying an $8 sewing machine cable from some dude in indiana and so is he. thx for reading my ebay love letter next time you need something pls keep it in mind

[swordsmans]

Hello! As someone who really really wants to attempt bookbinding, could I ask how you started? I am very overwhelmed with the amount of materials and equipment bookbinders use and it is not within my budget to get most of them, which is really discouraging :,)

I would love to know some cheap(er) alternatives to certain materials and which materials, in your opinion, is the most essential and worth splurging money on! I particularly have a lot of issues with using leather because it is WAYY out of both my budget and skill level haha!

Additionally, what are some of the reasources you used to learn how to bookbind? :o

Thank you!!! (It's alright if you don't respond to this! I was just wondering :])

hi, hello!!! im sorry for the late reply!!

to start with--i definitely dont use leather for the same reason!! even imitation leather is expensive, and tbh i like the ability to play around with colors and shapes that working primarily with bookcloth and paper affords me. you can either make your own bookcloth using regular fabric, a binder like HeatNBond, and tissue as long as you have an iron--or you can purchase it from places like amazon, hollander's, or other bookbinding supply companies. leather is ~fancy~ shit.

as for essential tools, that sort of depends on what youre trying to set out to do. western "cased" bindings require more material as a baseline, but glue-free bindings like coptics and japanese stabs require much less! really, as long as you have paper, a needle, thread, and cardboard, you can make a book! here are some of the tools i use, as well as some alternatives:

bonefolder(s) - i have two, a "traditional" one and a square angled one, both real bone. this is something i would consider an essential item, because you will use it for almost everything. you can buy a cheap teflon folder at your local craft store, but really anything you can use to crease your pages and evenly tuck your folds would work. a firm piece of plastic, a thick card--hell, a 6in ruler would work!

ruler(s) - god, i have so many rulers, both imperial and metric, in so many different shapes and materials. the ones i use the most are my 12in/30cm double sided metal ruler and my 3x4in/70x100cm double sided metal square, but as long as you have something you will be set. you can find cheap wooden or plastic rulers at your local dollar store!

weights - this includes freestanding weights and a press. while i do use a press, i also have some bricks from my local hardware store that ive wrapped in craft paper (because cleanliness is essential), a mason jar filled with rocks, and a giant stack of cookbooks. i use all of these for different things, but getting a few bricks would probably be your cheapest option; mine were $0.62 each at lowe's, lol! you dont need a press. anything that will get you even, heavy pressure will work!

waxed thread - you can use any sewing thread you want and wax it yourself by running the wax along the thread! small beeswax blocks are relatively inexpensive and will last quite a while, and regular sewing thread won't break the bank. you can certainly buy pre-waxed thread, but making your own works just as well.

awl - i have two awls and a punch cradle, and genuinely none of these are "essential". straight up just stick a sewing needle in a wine cork, bestie, and youve got yourself an awl. punch cradles are also totally optional; just make a guide with some cardstock so you know where to punch your signatures and youre set.

paper - this is the big rabbit hole, of course. fancy handmade papers can get REAL expensive and dont even get me started on procuring paper with the proper grain direction. HOWEVER, im currently using a mid-tier premium "printer" paper as my fill (though ill be switching to proper stuff when i run out) and you can definitely use regular sheets youd find anywhere with only minor issues. as for decorative paper--anything works! regular scrapbook paper is perfectly fine, and you can buy 12x12 booklets online or at your local craft store for cheap--it seems like theres always some on sale.

bookcloth - mentioned above, but making your own is probably the cheapest way to do it! however--bookcloth is only essential if youre doing a cased-in binding imo. if youre doing coptics/stabs/open sewn/glue-free/etc. bindings, you dont need it.

glue - glues are tricky. traditionally people use a combination of paste and PVA. however, you can use whatever glue you want so long as youre okay with the drawbacks of using high-moisture stuff. gluesticks, craft glue, whatever. you can also make your own paste with flour and water! if youre looking for some of the things id recommend getting the "good" version of, though, i would pick PVA. i buy mine by the half-gallon and its worth it, and i actually prefer it over nori paste (what can i say--im impatient! and paste takes 24 hours to dry).

cutting tools - this is the one absolute thing i would recommend getting: a good boxcutter with replaceable blades and a large cutting mat. this is the essential tool of all time, because while you can use scissors its nearly impossible to get a straight line on anything. i have a workpro w011043a, an xacto xz3601, and three pairs of scissors of various lengths--and my workpro is what i reach for the most. cutting mats can run a little expensive, but i cant stress enough how much easier your life will be with an open blade + cutting mat as your primary cutting setup.

chipboard - i use several different thicknesses of greyboard for my covers and spines, but you can genuinely use whatever cardboard you have on-hand. got an amazon box? that works!

of course, this is by no means a comprehensive list of tools--but these are my go-to tools for every bind! a lot of the fancy stuff like edging, foiling, bookmark-making, etc, is totally optional and opting out of those will significantly reduce your overhead costs. you can also start out with the inexpensive stuff and upgrade as needed! bookbinding is daunting and yes it does have a bit of an initial investment, but there are definitely ways to make it work if youd really like to get into the hobby. you can also look at starter kits on etsy, too! theyll often come with some of the essential tools as well as materials to make your first book, so you can try it out to see if youd like the hobby without going ham.

as for resources to get started, here are some of what ive used!! also not comprehensive because everyone is different, but a great place to start.

hope this helps!!!

[morsking]

next month is my birthday!

wednesday september 6th is the special day that comes once a year for yours truly. and i like it when people celebrate my birthday and give me things for being god's most special boy

mind you, i'm not in any particularly financially precarious position. there are people out there in much greater need of mutual aid. so if there's anything you can spare, you can give to those causes if you so desire. i would just like to get some nice, ultimately non-luxurious things for myself on top of being ready for anything that will be required of me. more specifically, i'll be starting what is hopefully the beginning of the end of my higher education after many, many years of setbacks.

so i'd like to be prepared for any expenses that might arise from professors asking for specific purchasable materials not outlined ahead of time (you know how it is). or just so i can get myself a nice treat. i like doing that a lot. because i like me :D

here's the link to my prospective internet purse from where i will pull out a copy of witch on the holy night, which i will have no platforms in which to play. i desire it purely to admire it in a glass case and have it be my family heirloom over which my descendants will fight in an endless battle.

thank you, and remember to read fate/stay night.

[warsofasoiaf]

Given how much the US spends on defense why isn't our manufacturing sector more robust?

Part of it was the end of the Cold War. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, there was an infamous "banquet of the damned" where the large defense contractors were told that many of them would not be existing in a few years. Sure enough, there were a lot of closures and mergers between the big defense contractors (this is why we have Northrop-Grumman as opposed to the Northrop Corporation and Grumman Corporation, or Lockheed Martin as opposed to Lockheed Corporation and Martin Marietta). There simply wasn't a large demand for military vehicles with the end of the Soviet Union.

Another related part was doctrinal. The US Armed Forces pivoted to counter-terrorism which requires smaller deployed forces. That in turns means less demand for high quantities of artillery shells.

Now, all of that leads to factories closing up and lines not being produced. You can build capacity, but it's very expensive to do so, particularly given the high cost of domestic manufacturing labor. To add factories like this is so expensive that many companies simply cannot do so. The way many companies got around this is by negotiating for long-term contracts with guaranteed purchase quantities to ensure that they don't go bankrupt building a massive industrial complex that ends up not having its product being purchased and no way to sell to pay back the loans the company took building their new facility. Military equipment is not like other goods, you can't just sell it to another buyer if your first one decides they don't want to buy it. Arms contracts are an extensive affair requiring as much political will as economic.

So the reason why the US defense industrial base is so anemic is that the government is unwilling to invest in it, and companies aren't willing to risk going bankrupt with significant capital expenditures.

You might also want to look at this Perun video.

Thanks for the question, Cle-Guy.

SomethingLikeALawyer, Hand of the King

[seabeck]

Trout fishing for beginners on a budget!

Do you ever look at salmon fillets in the supermarket and water at the mouth but find the price far too high? Well this guide is for you! I tried to keep this guide fairly short and to the point so if you need more info, feel free to ask.

Reasons to fish for trout:

Trout taste quite similar to salmon, a fish that's typically unaffordable expensive even here in the PNW (I find trout to be better because they're much more mild and don't overcook as easily, ymmv)

They can be caught without a boat and you don't need an expensive set up.

Fishing licenses fund conservation!

It's fun and allows you to see where your dinner is coming from, from start to finish.

Before you start: Get your fishing license. You can purchase these at Walmart in the sporting good section, stores like Cabellas, online, and many other places. Some states have separate saltwater and freshwater licenses (you want freshwater), others may require a separate stamp to keep trout in some areas. Once you have your license, find a place you can fish. Check if it’s been stocked, when, what size the fish were, and how many. Bigger fish and more recent is always better. Regulations can very a lot from body of water to body of water and state to state. Some lakes may be catch and release only, no barbed hooks, etc and it is on you to know. There are also disabled only lakes (with wheelchair friendly docks). Your fish and wildlife department will have the info online. Some states, like WA, even have interactive map apps and you can always email or call them as well. 

Gear on a budget: Rods and reels are expensive new, even low end ones. Check out garage sales, thrift shops, outlet malls, Craigslist, etc. You can often find a good rod and reel combo for cheap. Check to make sure all the parts are in order, things that spin will spin and things that don’t, don’t. Minor wear and tear can often be repaired with a dab of superglue. When buying second hand spools of line, make sure time and the sun hasn’t made it brittle, give it a test tug to see if it breaks. You’re less likely to find artificial bait and hooks used but luckily those are fairly cheap even new, and sometimes you get lucky.

Rod: 5-7′, rated for no more than 10lbs is perfect. It should be flexible to allow it to cast far and not snap when you get a fish on. Ideally your rod should split into two pieces for ease of storage.

Reel: We’re going to be talking about spinning reels and spinning reels only. You want a lighter weight one where the line comes off smoothly. Make sure everything spins as it should and doesn’t make noise (some older styled ones have an intentional clicking sound that will drive you up a wall very quickly, apparently that used to be cool). The side the arm is on can be changed easily.

Line: 8-10lb test, anything more is overkill and may scare the fish. Braided for the mainline, fluorocarbon or monofilament for the leader line. Mono can be used for the mainline too but braided is tougher/stronger. Good line is worth it, here’s what I use for my mainline.  You want your reel full of line so it doesn’t catch on the reel and so you don’t hit the end while casting. I recommend a cheaper mono line to tie onto your reel for the first many feet to help fill it up, then tie on your good leader line to the mono line using a double uni knot.

A leader line is useful when you get a snag or a fish takes off with your gear, instead of losing all your line, you just lose your leader.

Hooks: Size 6-8 octopus, circle, or bait hooks. Barbed if legal and if you plan on eating what you catch, barbless if you plan on releasing or regulations require it.

Swivel: Medium/small sized, get snapping ones

Weight: Get egg sinkers in a variety of sizes (they often come in mixed size kits). Note: Most fishing weights are lead, do not consume them or allow pets/children to play with them. Steel weights are an option but they have less size/shape variety and will be bigger than their same weighted lead counterparts. Some places do not allow for the use of lead weights.

Bead: Used to prevent wear on the line/knot from the lead. I personally only use one on my leader line, not below my lead, and that’s my weird angler superstition. They’re very cheap, buy a smaller sized one if you plan on using them.

Net: Seems really self explanatory but I recommend a catch and release friendly net (not knotted, typically a softer material). It's better to have that kind than the kind that may damage their scales in case you need to or decide to release.

Slip/sliding sinker rig:

Ideal for floating bait, the leader line length will depend on the depth the fish will be at (which varies with weather and body of water, 2′ is a good starting point). The lead will sit on the bottom while the bait floats and suspends itself in the water column. The sliding egg sinker weight means the fish won’t feel resistance when it tugs on the bait, fish don’t like resistance. Watch for your line moving away, then set the hook with a quick upwards motion with the rod. Sometimes you won't even need to set the hook because the fish will already be running with it.

Fixed bobber rig:

This set up can be used with or without a leader line but as always I recommend a swivel + leader line (this would be below the bobber). This set up is ideal for sinking baits or when you need to keep all of your gear and line off the bottom of the lake because of weeds, snags, etc. Most bobbers allow you to easily change the length of line below it, useful if you started out with too much or too little line. Since bobbers float, they will move with the current or the wind, this may be a pain or may be a blessing.  When the bobber goes down, fish on!

Bait options:

Earthworms/nightcrawlers. This is your cheapest option, you can dig them from your own yard for free. Earthworms sink so they’re best with a bobber set up unless you buy worm blower. I do not use live bait as I find it rather cruel (and most earthworms are not native to my area, no need to help them spread further) but ultimately it’s up to you. Crickets, superworms, mealworms. waxworms, etc are also options, some of which you can breed at home easily. 

Fake worms: some float (1, 2), some don’t (1, 2). Don’t get those giant rubber worms meant for bass.

Dough: Ideal for slip sinker set up. Scented Playdo textured dough. Roll enough out to cover your hook and make it float, but not so much that it’s a waste. While this stuff works well, it doesn’t like to stay on the hook. Treble hooks will hold dough on better but they aren’t always allowed and are not suitable for catch and release (if that’s your goal). Also comes in nuggets (costs more per oz). I recommend pink, orange, or yellow. 

Artificial eggs: Ideal for slip sinker set up . My preferred bait, I use 3 on a hook and often can reuse the same eggs for several trout. You don’t even need to buy these, they can often be scavenged from places where anglers gather. My mom did this (or used ones I bought) for months with great success. Power eggs and similar ones typically float but there are sinking ones, always check the label. I personally use red, white, or gold ones that are half clear but I’ve also caught them on solid yellow and pink. A family or group of friends could buy multiple colors and split them. 

Trout Magnet(tm): Never personally had much luck with these, they can be recasted over and over as a lure or used under a bobber, they do sink. Also useful for panfish.

Lures: I’m not really going to go over lures much since that’s a whole other can of worms, but they are very reusable and can often be found for free in bushes at lakes. They require a different set up and more work to use than bait still fishing. Some do function under a bobber hence the mention.

Now to the actual fishing!

Set up your rig, whichever one you're planning on using, and adjust your leader line accordingly.

Hold the rod with your dominant hand, you want about a foot of mainline hanging off the tip of your rod

Align your line roller (labeled diagram of a reel here) to be pointing your rod.

Use the index (or if you're weird like me your middle) finger to hold the line against the rod

Use your non dominant hand to flip the bail up. Line can now freely fall from the reel so it's important to keep your finger on the line.

Bring the rod over your head, I personally have mine like this before casting. Use a forward throwing motion and release your line. The last step will take lots of practice and I personally recommend practicing at home with just a swivel + weight on. Always be aware of your surroundings, you don't want to hook someone or lose your gear in a tree.

When you feel a bite, set the hook with a quick upwards motion while holding the rod. Sometimes the fish will hook themselves just fine.

Once you have a fish on, reel in! Large fish may need a looser drag and to be played a bit (let them run with the line, then reel in, repeat until fish is tired) but most stocked trout come quietly.

Once you've reeled your fish in, use a net to catch it (if needed) and decide if you're going to release it or keep it for dinner. Fish you're planning on releasing need to be handled gently and with wet hands to protect their fishy coating. Don't take them out of water for too long. Remove the hook quickly with fishing pliers.

If you're going to keep it, it needs to be killed quickly and humanely. Please don't be that person with a bunch of half dead fish on a stringer, or letting your fish aspirate, it's cruel. How you kill your fish is up to you and will depend on the size. For smaller ones I do cervical dislocation, head bonking and cutting the head/spine also work. If I'm killing a fish I always wait until after to remove it's hook so it suffers less.

Cleaning your fish: Ok you have a dead fish, now what? Find the fish butt, it'll be before the tail fins. Insert your fillet knife in and carefully slice up the belly. Ideally you don't want to slice too far in lest you rupture the intestines. Remove the guts. I personally toss all the guts back into the water, as to return the nutrients but there are fish organs you can eat. Use a fingernail to scrape the kidney off of the spine and rinse. From there you can fillet or cook the fish whole. Here's the video that helped me learn to fillet. Keep fish on ice until you're home. They can be frozen, cooked immediately, or refrigerated for a few days.

I hope this guide helped you and as always, if you have questions feel free to ask!

[paimonial-rage]

slitherer-outer - zhongli

synopsis: in which reader (unknowingly) attempts to teach the god of commerce how to stick to a budget

ship: zhongli x reader

notes: chapter 5 of the bookkeeping!verse

This was the day! This was the day!! After nagging the Director for what felt like ages, she finally gave you control over purchasing. From here on out, no purchases could be made without the Director’s approval, and you were there to enforce that decree.

What did that mean? It meant the Ferrylady would no longer accompany Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s most troublesome consultant to procure supplies anymore! Yes, you had everything planned out: a shopping list, a strict budget, possible vendors… This was the day you would finally start beating into teaching Zhongli how to properly use and budget Mora!

You had to stifle a creepy giggle as you reviewed your plan one more time. You both would be purchasing supplies for an upcoming funeral rite for a prominent family within Liyue. The family had a long history tracing back to a little after the Archon War. Because of such, the items required to perform the rite were going to be expensive. After conducting a bit of market research, you came out with a budget of 150,000 Mora. At the very least, 125,000 Mora would be spent today. However, wanting to teach him a lesson, you told him the day before that the Director only allotted 100,000.

“You seem to be in a good mood,” came an amused chuckle at your side.

You glanced away and cleared your throat, doing your best to wipe the grin from your face. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Zhongli. I’m the same as always.”

You did your best to feign interest in the different shops you passed in an attempt to calm your raging spirit. It was going to be a long day, after all. Not only were the shops located all over the harbor, but you would have to compare prices too. Return trips would be inevitable. That wasn’t even mentioning the irritation Zhongli’s cluelessness was going to put you through. Speaking of which…

“Remember, okay? We only have 100,000 Mora to spend. We will have to be picky with the quality and price of everything we come across. There’s no shame in refusing to buy something that does not match our budget.”

“Yes, of course. Being that I am, as you say, not ‘well-versed in Mora,’ I’m sure I will learn much from your guidance today.”

Leave it to him to lay it on thick…

The first item on your list was a box of incense. Not just any incense would do, though. Qixin wasn’t a common ingredient used in incense, but that was what the funeral required. Seeing that the flower only grew at very high altitudes, the incense was typically quite pricey. You were estimating it’d be around 25,000 Mora, give or take a few thousand. 

You knew how it was going to happen. You could see it playing out before you. Zhongli would choose a pricey shop, the shopkeep would rip you off, Zhongli would agree to pay, and there you be to would swoop in to teach him that the budget most certainly had to be followed! You would crush his expensive tastes into the dust! So as he began leading you to the priciest shop in Feiyun Slope, you vibrated with excitement. Things were going to go just as you expected!

…

…

…

So… things most certainly did not go just as you expected. In fact, if you had to be honest, you had no clue what was going on right now. 

It wasn’t normal from the very start. When you took a step inside the shop, the shopkeep already didn’t seem to be in a good mood. And when he noticed you both, the glare on his face intensified. It took a bit to realize it wasn’t you he was staring at, but Zhongli. Which was strange. You knew the consultant got around a lot, but you didn’t think that anyone hated him. Sure, you didn’t exactly like him, but you never felt that strongly!

But your companion didn’t seem to notice a thing. Pleasantly, he inquired about the incense without missing a beat. Not much to your surprise, the shopkeep didn’t reply. He simply stared. After a few seconds, slowly and purposefully came his voice in a low gravelly tone.

“You. You Mr. Zhongli?”

Then the man stood up. His arms were thick, and his frame a hulking build. You’d mistaken him for a bear if he were covered in hair. And when he took a step forward, he loomed, no, towered over Zhongli.

“Ah, yes. May I help you?” Came Zhongli’s polite response. 

You wanted to scream. You wanted to cry. You wanted to throw up. You wanted to take Zhongli’s hand and make a mad dash to the Millelith. 

“There’s something I want to say to you.”

Tears pooled at the corners of your eyes; your legs threatened to collapse beneath you. The Wangsheng Funeral Parlor’s best consultant was about to be murdered and it would all be your fault. What in the world were you going to say to the director?

The man took another step forward, his hands clenched into fists, veins bulging. You had to do something. You had to do something!!

“Zhongli, I–”

Then the man dropped to his knees, took Zhongli’s hands…

And began to cry. 

…

Uhm…

Long sobs wracked from the man’s chest as tears dripped to the ground.

Umm??

The man wept as he broke out into a long story about his recently deceased wife. His wife was ill with an incurable disease that often left her in pain. Having no way to pay for her medical expenses, he was forced to pawn off her most prized hairpins to cover the cost of medicine. Sadly, after his wife eventually passed, he did not have the Mora to buy the hairpins back. But right before he gave up all hope, the “lady from the creepy funeral place” visited him with his late wife’s hairpins saying that the debt had been paid off by Zhongli. 

Though he could not give the incense for free as much as he wanted to, the shopkeep offered it for a greatly discounted price of 10,000 Mora. After much thanking, you both paid the vendor and left and…

What in the world just happened?

“Shall we head to the next place, First?”

You opened your mouth to reply, but no sound left. You still had no clue what just… What???

“Did you… know that man, Zhongli?”

He held his chin in thought.

“No, I’ve never met him. But I do remember finding a pair of beautiful jade hairpins collecting dust in Mr. Bolai’s shop,” he replied. “It would have been a pity if I left them, so I asked the Ferrylady pay them off.”

You narrowed your eyes as you searched through your memories. 

“Yes, I think I remember that. The Ferrylady even asked me to put some funds on the side for living expenses…” You groaned as your hands clenched tightly. “That wasn’t a business expense! You should have used your own funds for that!”

But Zhongli gave his usual smile in response to your frustration. “Perhaps, but it did turn out to be a suitable investment for us both in the end.”

He did have a point.

“W-Well, you can’t say that will happen in the future,” You blustered. “A-Anyway, let’s head onto the next place. We need a pair of jade bracelets.”

And as you took off ahead of him, you were going to make sure the rest of the day fell into place the way you planned.

…

So… the next visit also did not fall into place the way you planned… The moment Zhongli mentioned he would be visiting a “friend,” your mood took a turn for the worst. Just like before, you took a step into the shop, Zhongli asked for the items, and you both walked out with a huge discount. This time, in particular, 60,000 Mora dropped down to 40,000 in an instant. When you insisted on paying full price, the owner protested saying he could never charge the great Zhongli anymore than that “after all he’s done for the shop.”

What made it worse was Zhongli’s utterly infuriating amusement with the whole situation. 

“I am relieved. It seems we are well under budget. I did not expect things to run so smoothly.” 

Your nails dug half-moons into your palms as your lips pulled back into a smile that showed all teeth.

“Yes, almost as if someone planned this all ahead of time.”

“They all were coincidences, I assure you.”

“Mhm.”

But no big deal. You saw your fault. You would choose the next shop. The last item on your shopping list was a pair of high-grade raw Noctilucus Jade. From your research last week, you estimated it would range between 55,000-75,000 Mora, no lower. Out of the many shops that sold ore in the harbor, you chose to visit one near the end of Chihu Rock. That specific vendor specialized in high-quality ore and artisan products said ore. Most importantly, he was known to be quite pricey. There would be no discounts here! 

When you finally arrived, you were shocked that the shop was much smaller than you thought it’d be. Though the doors were open, the owner was nowhere to be found. Supposing he was in the back, you moved to examine the lefthand side of the shop which housed the artisan goods. 

As you examined the various goods, you couldn’t help but be impressed. You heard they were of fine quality, but that didn’t even come close to seeing them in person. There was one particular figurine that caught your eye. It was a bird made of iron with Cor Lapis embedded into its eyes and wings. Though small, the details were intricate and fine. If you saved up, you wondered if you would ever be able to purchase–

“It’s 165,000 Mora if ye were wonderin’.”

You immediately spun away as if burned with fire. There at the back of the store, the shopkeep stood, probably having just returned from the storage room. He was an older man, though not withered in the slightest. And with that intimidating glint in his eye, you almost wanted to hide behind Zhongli. 

“I-I was just looking, thank you,” you stuttered.

After composing yourself, you gave him your best smile.

“My companion and I are actually here to see your supply of Noctilucus Jade.”

“Yeah? What grade are ye looking for?”

Zhongli stepped forward.

“Your highest quality, boss.”

The shopkeep’s brow rose before walking into the back room. After a few moments, he came back out with a basket of jade. You took a step closer to examine them curiously. Even though you did not know much about precious stones, even in their unrefined state, they still somehow managed to look clearer than the polished jade jewelry you found being sold on the streets. Honestly, they were so beautiful you were half-prepared to skimp on the other supplies just to purchase one.

“95,000 Mora.”

Well, that was definitely out of budget.

“... Is what I would say normally,” he continued.

Uh-oh…

“Yer in luck. Our guys found a new deposit of Cor Lapis recently. High grade too.”

Oh gods…

“Dropped the price down to 45,000 Mora.”

Was the sound that just came from you a bark of laughter or a sob?

“F-Forty-five… That’s much lower than my research suggested,” you let out weakly.

“That fits within our budget, yes?” Butted in Zhongli with a twinkle in his eye. “We’ll take it, boss.”

And as the boss wrapped up your Cor Lapis, you simply stood there dumbly. And as Zhongli paid with the wallet he took from your hands, you were still in a state of shock. And as you walked away from the store items in tow, your brain was still blank. You were simply gone. 

Your companion, on the other hand, was not. 

With amusement emanating from him like waves, he gave you a smile with the brightness of a thousand burning suns.

“I am surprised. Although I was worried today’s task would be difficult, it proved simpler than I imagined.”

He then paused for much added effect.

“It most surely was due only to your exceptional guidance.”

You screamed.

—

As you placed all the items purchased within the parlor’s storeroom, you couldn’t help but feel impressed with your coworkers. The moment you stepped inside, they immediately avoided your gaze and glued themselves to their paperwork. Was it because your nearly tangible fury was making its goal to ooze into every nook and cranny there? Perhaps. Even Zhongli was quick to remove himself from your side once he could. 

Coward.

As the events of the day replayed over and over in your head, you couldn’t figure out where exactly you went wrong. This really should have been a simple task. There never was a time when Zhongli spent at a discount. He always opted for the premium option. So how in the world did every single occurrence today equate to not only spending less than your budgeted amount, but also less than the impossible amount you set up as a prank!?

You groaned and collapsed into your desk chair. You rubbed at your temples, hoping the pounding in your skull and the ache within your muscles would ebb away soon. In the back of your mind, you thanked the gods for not being able to turn down the director’s offer of ending early for the day. She giggled about how you would not regret her offer, and didn’t allow your hubris to refuse. You hated that cheeky grin of hers, but she was right. The sooner you got home, the better.

In your rush to pack your things, you almost failed to notice a small drawstring bag on your desk. It was simple, an unassuming blue, but the way it stood with ease indicated something inside. Reaching inside brought you face to face with something familiar: an iron figurine inlaid with Cor Lapis eyes and feathers. But who–

“Oh, Mr. Zhongli left that for you. He said it was a gift for your assistance today,” called the Ferrylady’s voice across the room.

But… wasn’t that strange? You only saw the figurine for the first time a couple of hours ago. It wasn’t like he could’ve gotten it in advance. You had a tight grip on the wallet the whole time. Not to mention you were the one that paid for every–

Wait a minute…

You lunged for the parlor wallet and poured the mora onto your desk. You counted its contents once, twice, three times, then once more. Something wasn’t right. Zhongli had a history of using parlor funds to purchase gifts for coworkers and friends. Not only that! He was the one that paid for that last transaction, the store that housed the iron bird. No doubt he must have taken advantage of your shock to make the purchase! 

But not a single mora was missing from the wallet.

Nor a beautiful phoenix of iron and Cor Lapis listed on the receipts.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

We're Through Pretending

Imagine you go to the store to get groceries, because you're hungry and you need to eat. The grocery store happens to be thousands of miles away, and many people die trying to get there every day, but you're hungry, you need to eat, and that's where the groceries are. There's a big lady holding up a torch outside the store and she's got a big sign that says "GROCERIES HERE!" So you go, right?

There are so many groceries at the store. You've never seen such groceries. Kinda expensive, but that's okay! You pick some out and get in line. It's a real long line. There are plenty of groceries, that's not the problem, but there are very few people working the checkout. And a lot of 'em have guns. And a lot of 'em don't seem to be to happy that people are here to get groceries. A lot of people are getting imprisoned or yeeted right out of the store. Many of them children.

A minor dispute on whether to surround the checkouts in razor wire seems to be going on. Also, they are trying to build a wall. A lot of people are getting hurt, and dying, due to all the razor wire and shit around the checkouts. People are building little makeshift shelters, and dropping dead of hypothermia and dehydration, and getting sick. But you need groceries! You gotta eat!

Someone walks up and screams at you that you're breaking the law by loitering around the store like this and not making a purchase. But you are trying to make a purchase, the line is just that damn long! Years long! You are in the legal place to make your grocery purchase, according to the store rules. It is required that you loiter. The only other thing you can do is get out and head back home with no groceries, where you will suffer and probably die.

Well, that's not the store's fault, says the person who's screaming about your illegal loitering. Actually, although it's very complicated, you're pretty sure it is? At least partially? Something about the price of the bananas? And the pharmaceuticals...? Couldn't they at least have a few of those guys with the guns take a turn scanning the barcodes?

But before you can even get into that, someone new rolls up and says that the store rules have changed. Too many people are trying to buy groceries. Now, no one can buy groceries. They may make an exception for unaccompanied minors - they love incentivizing sending children on a dangerous journey alone, so they can put them in cages! - but otherwise, nobody's buying groceries today.

But you have money! (Skills/labor/tax dollars!) And they have groceries, you can see them! Don't they even want your money?

No. And it doesn't matter why. No groceries today. Go home, or go camp in the parking lot and hope too many people don't want groceries tomorrow. We are allowing some people to secure a place in line via phone and remote locations, but by the numbers, far too few to meet demand. Also, we may not necessarily allow them to buy groceries either. Why? Bottom line, we're afraid if we let you pay for your groceries, you'll buy all of them, and there won't be any left. Hasn't happened yet - everyone who comes here to get groceries brings the resources needed to stock more groceries - but it might!

You notice it bothers the store people way less when white Europeans buy the groceries. They're not as worried about scarcity then.

So you say, "Fuck it, then I'll steal these."

And, ya know, maybe you'll make it. Some folks do, God bless 'em. But now everyone's pointing at you and screaming, "SEE? WE CAN'T SELL MORE GROCERIES NOW! PEOPLE ARE STEALING THEM!"

And God alone knows what new rules the store will put into place to keep people who need groceries from accessing the groceries next.

The latest bill, the one that says we might fix the grocery line problem by shutting down the whole thing for most of the year, is dead in the water. This is only the case because, due to a truly hilarious chain of circumstances, Republicans don't want to give Biden a "win." Yes! Shutting down the border and backing up the line even further, with the intention of making more people turn around and go home to die, is a win! We're just so damn worried about the potential scarcity of our groceries, we kinda like it when people who need groceries die. Phew! I mean, at least they didn't get any of our groceries!

And this is collateral damage. We've accepted, as a nation, that people will die on the border (and lots of other places) so that "we" (career politicians who don't care about anyone) can bank some political capital to do other things. This is what "harm reduction" looks like in real terms. Whom shall we throw under the bus so that others might not get run over quite so much? Might. No guarantees, but you are free to soothe your conscience by imagining the never-ending carnage could've been way worse. Look! Maybe this trans child got maimed slightly less because the brown one was crushed under the wheels! That's progress!

I can't make these decisions anymore. If you can, OK. God help you. God help all of us.