#there’s no need to write anywhere near as much obvi | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fartcloudfartcloud · 12 days

Text

Logan Howlett x Squirter!Reader

oneshot (4.5k words) - You know how to make yourself squirt, but its no easy process. You just accepted your reality of it only happening once in a blue moon and only when you were alone. Maybe Logan can prove you wrong. pairing - logan howlett (xmen) x f!reader tags -first time sex, oral/fingering f recieving, lots of princess, baby, sweetheart, lots of logans filthy (and whiny) mouth, one swift bite, reader has boobs and a vagina and pullable hair, nondescript body other then a few thigh/hip descriptions, squirting obvi, lots of wet everywhere, lots of praise and begging from both parties, logan will not shut up

SEND ME REQUESTS AND SHIT!!!! I WANNA KEEP WRITING!!! GIVE ME IDEAS IM THIRSTY IM HUNGRY RAAAHHHG

this is self indulgent as shit and I havent written a fic and actually posted it since i was like 15 but that fic by @silverskyeline had me inspired because I may or may not be a squirter and i needed to write it for myself. i feel like this is kinda ass butt but i tried my best and i hope its bearable :)

.・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・. .・。.・゜✭・..

The first time it happened, it caught you off guard.

Finding yourself alone in your home with some down time, you'd sat in your office chair, legs propped up on either side of the wood and headphones slipped over your ears as you scrolled through your options, clicking the first link that piqued your interest. It was how you preferred to masturbate these days, a deep voiced man slowly working you through it, your hands a mirror image of how the man describes his methods of pleasure through your headphones.

It doesn’t take long before you’re lost in it, 13 minutes into the 24-minute audio and you've got one hand plowing your favorite dildo in and out in long, deep thrusts, angled exactly how you need it. the tip catches against your cervix and thumps up against your g spot in one fluid movement, your head thrown back in breathless euphoria. The voice switches between each ear, alternating as it groans praise and direction between its moans of pleasure. You’re choking on the feeling of it all, moans coming out in hiccups and cries as you desperately try to maintain some dignity. The voice slips into a gravely come on baby, rub that clit while I fuck you, cum on this cock sweetheart and suddenly your other hand joins the mix, sloppily rubbing circles into your drenched bud. The combo of the two motions, drilling yourself in mind numbing strokes with your one hand while your other sneaks down and rubs your clit, isn’t one you explore often.

But God is it fucking good.

In a flash your vision is white, it all hits you just as the voice in your ear instructs you. It’s all too much and good lord he starts counting down from 3, and somehow just as he’s growling one, baby cum for me, cum on this fucking dick, your back is arching, and your legs are shaking. Even with your head back and eyes rolled you could feel how sloppy you had gotten, drenched all the way up to you palm and wrist now. The sound was *filthy*, the audible noise of the floor beneath you getting drenched, your desperate gasps and attempts to stay quiet through the torment, and the sloppy plap… plap… of the toy inside you slowly coming to a halt.

That day your eyes were opened to a whole new world. It wasn’t easy, though, and it didn’t happen like it did in porn. Instead of a stream shooting out of you like a hose, it was more of a spray that splashed out with each thrust, and it only happened when you were splayed on your back like that pleasuring yourself exactly in that matter. You never considered yourself a squirter, per say. But it was a fun thing to brag about every now and then.

it stayed something that happened between you and your toy, though. the one or two flings you'd had since the discovery never getting anywhere near the space or level of relaxation, you’d need to be in to make it happen, and you just accepted it to be something only you could only do on rare occasions alone in your bedroom.

That was until Logan came along.

The last thing you'd choose to describe Logan as a man was patient. He was short tempered and snippy, his first day in the mansion it seemed like his mission to piss everyone he saw off. But when he met you, he suddenly softened. When he told you were lucky you were pretty the first time you spoke, he meant it, not only suddenly capable of holding his tongue but speaking with a slowed assurance as he watched you. It wasn't a surprise to anyone when he quickly weaseled his way into your bed.

Although maybe you'd bragged to a friend or two once it happened, you never thought to alert Logan of your talent. As stated, patience wasn’t exactly any term to describe Logan with, and you knew it wasn’t easy in the first place, so the thought never even crossed your mind.

That was until he hovered over you, hands expertly holding your face and neck as he passionately locked his lips with yours.

The way Logan kissed was suffocating, his big hands holding you in place as he mapped every inch of your mouth, huffing to himself every time a string of saliva or a well-timed lick would make you whimper. He hadn't done anything but sit down and kiss you and you were already overwhelmed by him.

He pulled away to stare at you intensely, memorizing every bit of the filthy frame in front of him. He had you laid out underneath him, your pretty eyes blown out and wide, looking up at him as if he was your world, your hands needily grabbing at his tank top.

"Please Logan," you whimper, leaky eyes never leaving his for even a moment.

"I haven't even done anything yet, and you're already begging," he teased as he lifted your chin up to start gently laying kisses down it. You keep a hold of his forearms as he leaves wet pink spots all the way down to where your top lies, grounding yourself in his warmth as he sends shivers down your spine. He stops, grumbling at the article of clothing stopping him from devouring you.

"Use your big boy words," you tease with a smirk, pushing your chest towards him and sensually touching his chest and collarbone. Instead of using said big boy words, he growled a deep "Off." as he flicked at the silky bow nestled against your breasts.

You sigh, your efforts for null.

"I'd ask you to just rip it off, but this is vintage," you pout as you make a show of lifting off the fabric. He raised an eyebrow, half his mind shocked at the way you tease him so effortlessly, the other half wrecked by your suggestion, an image of him pouncing on you and ripping the beautiful lac top off with his claws like an animal.

It started a fire in his stomach, one that was quickly ignited by the view of your breast's falling from the tops confines as you pulled it over your head. In his eyes, they fall in slow motion, each ripple sending shockwaves down his back as he watching them sway with your movement.

Maybe the idea of ripping that pretty top off with his claws hit a little too close to home, because in a flash he's on you. He's pushing you back with a firm hand to the sternum, using it to hold you in place against the mattress as he desperately kisses down the side of your neck and to your sternum.

"Smell so fucking good," he huffs out as he kisses down your clavicle before latching his lips around your slowly hardening nipple. The feeling makes your back arch and your breath hitch, a combo that had Logan popping a sly grin between his kitten licks to your now stiff bud.

"You say that all the time," you moan out breathlessly as he flicks his tongue. He pulls away with a pop, inching up to your ear and whispering into it.

"Sorry, let me correct myself," he leans down, sultry gaze inches from your face as he growls,

"She smells so fucking good," into your ear as he cups your mound through your shorts. You should've known in that moment you were cooked, stomach aching with how badly you needed him and hips instantly trying to buck into his wrist. He laughs at your attempt and pulls away his palm, much to your dismay.

"Don't talk about what my vagina smells like," you giggle, hiding your red face from him,

"Why not? s' like peaches, sweetheart. wanna just split you open and-" he finishes his statement but tugging your head back and exposing the column of your throat, licking a long stripe from between your breast's all the way up and under your ear, his warm hand back cupping your mound and massaging the fat through your shorts.

Your breath is robbed as his mouth leaves a wet trail that cools in the air and send a shiver down your spine. Logans mouth latches back onto your erect nipples, this time your skin tingling and buzzing with sensitivity,

"shit- I need more baby, please," you plead helplessly as your hands roam over Logans shoulders and forearms, his mouth slowly working down your body with kisses and licks.

"Need what, darling," he replies, his eyes flitting up to yours deviously. You don't respond, instead opting to roll your hips up against his, hoping he'd show mercy upon seeing your desperation. You should've known better. He pins your hips down, gripping the fat of your waist with a rough palm and letting out a displeased grunt as he teases you.

"Use your big girl words," he says with a smile, using your own words against you.

You desperately try to retaliate, your palms playfully smacking against his chest and legs kicking while you giggle and yelp,

"You can't- you fucker!" You pleade, before your limbs are quickly pinned down at your sides, your legs now pinned under his as his mouth is back at your ear, stopping you dead in your tracks as he growls. I takes a shaky deep breath, regaining his composure and savoring your smell before he speaks.

"Just tell me what I want to hear so I can taste this fucking pussy, eh sweetheart? you're killing me here," his voice becoming almost whiny at the end as he grips at your hips and grinds his visibly strained bulge against your thigh. His words shoot a shiver to your core, his brazenness too much for your foggy mind,

"Please just fucking- eat me out Logan!" you whine, hips chasing his in a desperate chase for contact. He grips your face, palm rough and big holding you in place and making you gooey and submissive as he talks,

"See? Was that so hard, bub?" he quirked with teasing grin before kissing your cheek and diving down to your hips. His arms wormed their way under your thighs, head popping up to admire the way your athletic shorts squeeze the fat of your thighs around his head. The tight shorts accentuated your curves, settling into the creases in your thighs and hips and sending a shiver down his spine as he traces his finger along the seam.

Suddenly, Logan is biting you. If you asked him why, he's not sure he could tell you, but the spot just under your stomach where your thigh meets your hip looked too appetizing not to sink his teeth into. It's gentle and playful, he growls and shakes his head like a dog with a bone and it makes you squeal and swat at his back again. You tie your hands into his hair and pull him up, a big goofy grin on his face as he peers up at you through his thick lashes, clearly having no remorse for his actions as he licks his lips and teeth.

Jesus Christ hes so hot.

He swats your hands out of his hair, desperate and feral for the taste of you in his mouth. The man wastes no time sinking his face back down and into your thigh, hands gripping you firmer now, pinning you down as he growled and nestled your inner thigh with his stubble. He looks like a little kitty cat, headbutting you to coat you in his scent, fingers kneading and savoring the thick of your hips.

"Just let me play with you how I want to baby," he whines, the lilt to his voice a little surprising. It feels like the longer you tease him, the whinier he gets. Interesting.

You pat his hair in apology and scratch his scalp, his head now laying on your thigh as he strokes your stomach. “You can't bite me, Lo!” You giggle as you scold him. He props his chin up on your stomach and pays no mind to your scolding. "Shhh baby, just take these off," the man lazily orders from his spot on your tummy, just barely lifting his head enough to give you space to pull your shorts off. You wiggle out of them with no help from Logan. He’s much too busy taking in every inch of the scene in front of him, eyes glued to your hands as they reveal your lacy pink underwear barely an inch from his face.

He could drool with how bad he needs to taste you.

You don't even get your shorts all the way off your ankle before he's pinning your hips down and raking your pretty pink panties to the side, latching his mouth over your mound and licking a thick firm stripe from the bottom of your slit all the way through to the tip of your clit. You gasp and grab at his shoulders, a slow “fuuuuck,” falling from your lips as he slowly tastes you.

He’s completely enamored by you, your smell, your taste, the way your look, the way each muscle in your thighs flexes with just the one lick. You look so fucking good like this it makes him angry.

"So fucking pretty," he spits, overwhelmed by his own rush of feelings settling in his stomach. He opts to ignore it by digging his face into you pussy, using his tongue to tease your clit slowly in circles before sliding over your glistening hole, savoring the way your slick tastes on his lips and tongue as he teases your entrance.

"Shit-" it comes out desperate and whiny from your lips as you roll your hips into his face, his nose clipping your clit as he explores your slit. The sensation makes your heels dig into the bed and your eyes flutter back with a gasp, your hands pulling on strands of the man's hair. He teases you like this, switching between circling your clit and pushing softly through your slit till you've thoroughly soaked his face with a mixture of his spit and your slick.

He raises his head with a feral growl, looking as if he's pulling away from his feast as he spits on your clit and spreads it around with his fingers. He chuckles while you squirm, kissing your thigh where his pink bite mark stains it.

"You ready, princess?" He asks, the nickname makes you shiver. You ignore his question and the implications of it, more focused on desperately trying to roll your pinned hips into his mouth, huffing with defeat as neither his hands nor your hips budge. He chuckles at your little tantrum, sitting up and peeling your damp panties away from your core. A soft kiss is delivered to your ankle before settling back into position between your legs.

A chuckle and a shake of his head is all the warning you get before hes sealing his mouth around your clit and sucking, swirling and swiping his tongue around the bud while pinning you in place. It's different.

This time he's got the whole bud suctioned into his mouth, lips and tongue and pressured sucks all swirling it in an abusing pattern. The only sound heard in the room is his wet mouth on you, any attempts at making sound robbed from you as he lathes his filthy attack on you.

You gasp and squirm to no avail, his name dying on your tongue when you manage to catch a gulp of air, your head thrown back in a silent plea. His pace doesn't falter, he doesn't unstick himself from your clit for even a moment, doesn't switch between his tongue or fingers or where he uses them, just one consistent attack as he focuses every ounce of his attention on pleasuring you. it's precise, masterful, dare you say practiced even, in the way has drawing you up. You'd have half the mind to call him a name, call him some sort of whore for knowing the ins and outs of a woman's body so meticulously. Unfortunately for you, your mind is blank as he pulls away to swap his hold on you, instead using one arm to hold you across the stomach while his other ventures down to your opening.

"Logan!" You gasp as he pulls off of you for the first time in what feels like ages, giving you a second to breathe and relax. Well, not relax per say, as Logan is underneath you giggling and gently caressing you from bottom to top.

"Gotta make sure it's all wet baby," he slurs, already pussydrunk as he spits onto your slit and rubs it all over. At this point you were dripping, probably all the way down your seam and onto to the bed if you had to guess, especially you combined with Logans sloppy mouth. The action was redundant, yet filthy none the less, and disgustingly sexy. You fall onto your back and cover your face, groaning and rolling your hips again as you catch your breath,

"You're driving me fucking crazy, Logan," you whimper into the pillow. He’s laughing at you again, kissing just above your clit as he peeps out a tender, "I know baby." He uses his firm hands to massage your thighs, your hips, even using his knuckles down your arms until you've relaxed deep into the bed.

One last kiss is placed onto your thigh before he latches his mouth back over your slit, groaning and relaxing into you like he just took a big draw from a fresh cigar.

He had played you like a damn fiddle, his little break had your muscles relaxing and allowed some air back into your lungs, and now suddenly every movement feels 10x better.

You're hyper aware of every touch, the way his tongue circles your nub before roughly grinding down out it, milking moans from your lips with expertise. He hadn't even brought his fingers back down to your opening yet, still bare and leaking from moments ago when he left you high and dry, yet you were already past the point of no return. Your stomach was tightening, your hands desperately grabbing whatever they could find before deciding on hiding your face in the pillow, successfully concealing your moans and savoring your dignity.

Logan pulled away from your core with a pop, looking to see what had caused the noises he was savoring so sincerely to suddenly stop. He was not happy to see your face covered, not only blocking those pretty sounds but covering your orgasmic expressions too.

“Uh-uh princess. Need to hear it all, and I wanna see those pretty eyes too,” He pleads, big hands coming up to pull your hands to the side and away from the pillows. He places both your wrists on your stomach, his one hand big enough to pin them both with little issue.

He grumbles something about interruptin’ me as he dives back into your core. You can practically see his ears perk back up as he hears your beautiful noises again, his tongue going straight back to its mind-numbing circles. He finally gives you mercy and brings his free hand down, two thick fingers running up and down your slit, making sure they're thoroughly soaked in slick before he's pressing them in. The ridges of his thick fingers massage your walls as they're gently worked in and out in slow strokes, the sound and feeling of Logans mouth and hands combined serving to be absolutely pornographic, and your desperate moans doing little to help.

“Logan~” you gasp in delight as the pairing of the two sensations start to settle back into your core, every sensation elevated 20-fold. He’s so unrelenting with the motions of it all, hooking his fingers and pushing them up until it feels like he's stimulating your clit from both sides. You could practically see stars, languid moans turning into breathless gasps again, your hands flexing and twitching against their spot against your stomach, desperate to grab onto him or his hair or the sheets or anything.

A filthy, “mph- hah! Just a- little more Logan!” eeks past your tense throat, your whole body overwhelmed with the feeling of him taking over every one of your senses.

“Come on princess, wanna see you cum for me,” He growls. it's so deep and attractive, and when he halts the stimulation to your clit to speak, he makes up for it by absolutely slamming his fingers into the soft spot on the roof of your pussy. You were lost, mind completely succumb to him, completely lost in the pleasure his giving you.

“Getting so tight around my fingers, baby. Just let it wash over you, don't think ‘bout nothing but how good im makin' you feel.” He moans breathlessly, having no clue what his words are doing to you. It's all too much, and before you realize it there's a familiar burn in your core, the sounds of his fingers getting louder and sloppier as more of your slick coats his fingers in an all too familiar feeling. You try to alert the man between your legs, try to tell him if he keeps fucking doing that with his fingers you're going to fucking ruin his sheets, but your pleas only serve to fuel him.

Your gasps and calls of his name do nothing to slow his motions, his biceps rippling as he doubles his efforts,

“Lo- fuck- im-!” your pleas come out in unintelligible gasps, not enough air in your lungs to beg anymore, the sounds of your arousal getting filthier and filthier. The crest up to your peak has you crying and squeezing Logans sideburns into the inner skin of your thighs, your whole body shaking as he works you to your breaking point, hands pulling and scratching just a little too hard as it all comes crumbling down. All you can hear is sloshing and wet sounds as your vision goes white.

Your orgasm bulldozes you, your throat parched from how hard you're gasping for air, your limbs sore and twitching as his fingers and tongue work you through the aftershocks. It's all gentle touches and deep gasps of air as you slowly let the stars behind your eyes fade.

You let out a long groan as you steadily come to, body paralyzed flat against the mattress, mustering up enough energy to lift your head and look down at the man of the hour. He’s removed himself from you and is sat up on his knees, the sight paired with the biggest shit eating grin you've ever seen spread across his face. His hair is tousled and falling over his forehead, his chin still dripping with evidence of your climax. His chin and his hands. And down his neck. And all over his T-shirt, the white neckline of his tank now completely transparent.

“Shit-” is all you can say as you see what's happened, hand coming up to cover your face, apologizing to Logan as you scramble up.

“Fuck, let me get a towel logan I'm sor-” “woah woah woah where do you think you're going?” he interrogates as he lays a hand against your chest, stopping you in your tracks and looking at you softly,

“Your soaked Logan, I- I didn't- should've told you, I need to get a towel,” you scramble from underneath him, legs shaking and sensitive as they carry you to the bathroom. He shakes his head as he follows behind, unable to stop you as you scatter away from him and into the next room, a woman on a mission to scrub the world of the evidence of your debauchery. He watches from the doorway, his arm over his head as he leans against the door frame with a cocky smirk as you frantically grab a towel and dampen a washcloth. You turn to leave, looking up at him with a scowl as he blocks your path.

“Ya know I'm supposed to be the one doing all this, princess?” He teases, face still coated in you and glistening in the light. You bring the damp wash cloth up to his jaw and start whipping him down, at least tackling one part of the cleaning process if he wasn't going to let you pass into the bedroom.

“I’m the one who made the mess, Logan,” you remind him, patting the wetness from his stubble. He chuckles, grabbing the towel from your other hand and halting the hand scrubbing his face with a firm hand around your wrist.

"Yeah, but I made it happen. Wheres my credit, bub?" You watch shamefully as he turns and places the towel over the wet spot on the bed, hanging the damp cloth over the bed frame and looking back at you expectantly. You hang your shoulders lower,

“Logan that's not- we need to change the sheets, and you need new clothes and-” “shhh, just come here and lay down with me princess,” he coos, his naivety and dismissal of your feelings starting to frustrate you.

He approaches you with outstretched arms, coming over to loop them around your shoulders and walk you towards the mattress. You stop short of the bed, turning towards him to continue your arguing before he grabs your face with his palm, gently squeezing your cheeks into a pout and effectively stopping any defiance you had. His other hand wraps around your waist as he leans into your ears and speaks lowly,

“I don't know what kind of nonsense you've got in this pretty head of yours,”

he taps your forehead with his forefinger before placing it in your hair, soaking in your gasp as he gently yanks your head back,

“but you're not leaving until I see that,” he refers to the wet spot causing you grief, “at least one more time.”

He possessively grabs your ass, pulling you firmly against him, your breath taken as he speaks into your ear. His teasing eases your worries, and his hands on you definitely help as well.

“So, I think we forget about the sheets,” you both chuckle, your cheeks flushed as he grabs you and growls.

“And you let me play with this pretty pussy till I figure out exactly how she ticks . Sound good to you, baby?” he asks, pulling back with his eyebrows quirked and lips pulled up into a dangerous leer.

You look small in his arms, the roller coaster of emotions leaving you feeling vulnerable and submissive as you softly shake your head up and down, core heating all the way back up for him.

He smiles and brings you into a tender kiss, hands roaming your body and down your arms, grabbing your wrists and placing your palms on his chest. He praises you with gentle whispers of so beautiful, my girl, need you, as he walks you backwards to sit on the edge of the bed.

The kiss turns more heated with every passing moment, his tongue working any shame out of your mind and replacing it with that beautiful heat of pleasure only he can have given you. He pulls away from you, a string of saliva connecting your lips as he pulls that same lopsided grin you've been slowly falling in love with.

“Think I could make you squirt like that on my dick, princess?” He asks bodely, making you snort as your face gets hot, “um, I don't know usually... it's pretty hard.” He chuckles and runs his hands over your thighs.

“Didn't seem too hard to me,” he teases slyly, making you hide your face in his chest with a giggle. He kisses the crown of your head, muttering a soft, “I'll go get some more towels,” before wandering back into the bathroom, your eyes glued on his somehow still fully clothed from. You flush red again as he walks out with 2 more towels, laying them across the mattress and crawling towards you with a hungry glare. You were in for a long night.

#writing #logan howlett #logan howlet smut #logan howlet x reader #logan wolverine #wolverine x reader #wolverine smut #smut

509 notes · View notes

all-is-fair-in-love-and-war · 2 years

Note

Helaena's ship bias obvi

Thank you for the ask love! 💚💚💚

Sorry it took be a bit to answer!

Prompt: Send ‘Ship Bias’ and I will share up to 5 ships I have a bias for, for my muse!

Helaena & Aemond

Okay, so first off, is probably the obvious answer, Helaemond. This is probably my favorite ship with Helaena and often my go to one. They’re in love and married and you can’t convince me otherwise, sorry. I think two of them have a very deep understanding of one another, they make each other feel safe in a world where neither of them have felt that very often.

2. Helaena & Aegon

I don’t write this ship very often, and usually just with a few specific people. This ship when writing usually needs to be more fleshed out than Helaemond. I would need some plotting for both characters to see how they feel about one another, how they interact and who Aegon is. Even though I don’t do this ship often I think it had a lot of potential when fleshed out.

3. Helaena & Jace

I’ve never actually written this ship, but it is an interesting one if it had ended up happening in an AU. Writing as either Helaena or Jace, I really would like to explore this one, to see Helaena in a marriage that is perhaps not had lonely or at times as suffocating as the one Alicent pushed her into. I think that with just the way that I view Jace I think Helaena would have much more peace in her life. While I don’t think Jace would understand Helaena on the level that Aemond does, I do think he would respect her, love her even and be true to her.

4. Helaena & Cole

Gonna be honest, not sure if this one actually even exists, but it scares me. 100% no. Helaena is very very weary of Cole. Doesn’t let him anywhere near her kids.

5. Helaena & Aemond in any verse

These two have my heart, I can’t help it

#meme answered #answered #a medici and an orsini #rp #rp blog #humble and penitent be damned #ooc #helaena #aemond #HOTD #house of the dragon #house of the dragon ships #helaemond #house of the dragon RP

8 notes · View notes

joe-mazzello-archive · 4 years

Note

Imagine having a big blowout fight with joe after moving in together and you’re in the main bedroom and he’s in the guest room and in the middle of the night u wrap the duvet around urself and waddle down to the bed where u know he’s sleeping and he’s sat up watching the tv and he just looks at you like “can I help?” And you just go 🥺 “pls come back to bed I’m sorry”, he picks you up duvet and all and cuddles the heck out of you 🥺

ahhhhh this is so fuckin cute and it has been in my inbox entirely too long. you might not even meant it as a request but this was so soft i needed to write it out.

a bit angsty in the beginning but it gets better obvi. also someone needs to stop me from making these so fuckin long.

You hadn’t even been an official resident of the apartment for twenty-four hours before you and Joe had gotten into an argument. It was so stupid, too, how it started. Both of you knew it. Both of you knew that it was ridiculous to get upset over something as small as which one of your coffee makers would be the coffee maker and which one end up in the donation pile.

What should have been a quick discussion about Keurigs turned into complete verbal combat, the pair of you hurling well-aimed accusations at each other, with increasing disrespect. It was like you blinked and suddenly you were no longer arguing about a coffee maker. You were both so stubborn, so passionate. It's almost comical how Joe’s intense, fiery zeal was something you found deeply attractive and simultaneously aggravating as all hell.

You never listen to me! I swear you just like to hear yourself talk!

Oh come on, you’re the one who gets enjoyment out of arguing with me!

You’re so resistant to change that you’re worried a fucking coffee maker will throw your entire life out of balance.

Says the one who refuses to get rid of a single thing! You’re a pack rat.

And you’re an insensitive prick!

You could now officially count on exactly one finger the amount of times Joe had pissed you off enough that you refused to be near him. You locked yourself in the master bedroom, weeping until there was barely a speck moisture left in your body. Your head pounded as you implored your body to fall asleep. Anything to turn off your brain and forget about the firestorm that evening and the awful things you had said to Joe in the heat of the moment. Over a fucking coffee maker.

Your body had other plans. You awoke groggily, your too-bright phone screen informing you it was a little past 2am. You’d only managed to get a whopping three hours of sleep before your brain decided it was not done torturing itself. Head still pounding, you felt almost hungover. You needed hydration.

You cocooned yourself in your blanket before gingerly unlocking the door and turning the handle. You weren’t sure how stealthy you needed to be; Joe could have either set up shop in the guest room or on the living room couch. And as upset as he had made you, you didn’t want to disturb his sleep.

You poked your head out into the hallway before stepping out of your room completely. You padded across the floor towards the kitchen, peeking over to find an empty couch. A sigh of relief escaped you; Joe was a light sleeper and it was almost certain that the sound of the ice-maker would rouse him.

You couldn’t be bothered to turn the kitchen light on, knowing full well the brightness would simply make your head throb more. You hobbled to the cabinet, attempting to grab a glass from above while maintaining your blanket burrito. As you placed the glass against the fridge panel, you caught something in the corner of your eye.

Tucked into the corner of the counter was your coffee maker, set up and plugged in.

Your heart panged at the sight.

Your glass of ice water in one hand, you attempted to rewrap yourself in your blanket bundle before a noise down the hall distracted you. You shuffled back down the darkened corridor seeking the source of the sound. A soft blue light flashed a few times under the door of the guest room, startling you.

Joe was awake. And most likely watching a movie. Your guesses were A League of Their Own or maybe Back to the Future. His comfort movies.

You gently pressed your ear to the door. Sure enough, you could hear Tom Hanks’ familiar voice softly carrying into the hallway.

You tip-toed back into the bedroom, not wanting to alert Joe to your sleeplessness. Placing the water on your bedside table, you climbed back into bed with a sigh, suddenly overcome with guilt. You hated this. You hated not having him next to you. You slept better curled into his side, his arms strong and safe. The walls that separated the two of you never felt thicker.

You blinked and suddenly your feet were moving under you, blanket still wrapped tightly around your figure, almost as protection. As you stopped in front of the guest room door once again, you were overcome with insecurity. What if you couldn’t turn the handle? What if he had locked you out? What if when you opened the door he refused to talk to you? Refused to even look at you?

With a deep breath, you turned the handle, luckily with no resistance. The door opened with a slight creak, revealing a disheveled Joe curled up on the bed, arms wrapped around a pillow, his red, puffy eyes finding yours. The sight broke your nearly broke your heart.

“I’m sorry,” you whimpered, voice small and shaky. “Please come to bed. I need you.”

Seconds passed as the two of you observed each other. For a moment, you were convinced he’d simply turn away, focus back on the movie as if you weren’t even there. But with a sniffle and a swipe of his hand across his cheek, he wordlessly climbed off the guest room bed and ambled towards you. In one motion he scooped you up into his arms without even disturbing the integrity of the blanket swaddling you.

He carried you into the bedroom, your shared bedroom, delicately placing you on your side of the bed before crawling next to you. You both instinctively turned on your sides, your faces inches apart.

You hadn’t even realized you had started crying until Joe’s hand gently caressed your cheek, wiping away the tears.

“I am so sorry, baby,” he whispered before placing soft kisses along your jaw. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” you squeaked out, now trying to hold back sobs. You opened your arms to allow him to cuddle under the blanket with you, but Joe had other ideas, pulling you onto him so you were sprawled across his chest. His arms held you like a vice, and for the first time all night, you felt yourself relax. “I never want to lose you.” The words slipped out, surprising even you.

“I’m right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.” He was. He was with you. He was holding you. And you were home.

And within a few more seconds, the sleep you needed finally came.

◈◈◈

Perm taglist: @queenlover05 @mrhoemazzello @madamsledge @sadhwstudent @johndeaconshands

#anon #joe mazzello #joe mazzello x reader #joe mazzello x you #joe mazzello imagine #joe mazzello fluff #joe mazzello angst

144 notes · View notes

bisluthq · 4 years

Note

hi I was wondering what your favourite sapphic songs of Taylor's are? cause kaylors make such a big deal of the 'male perspective' in songs like our song, love story, mine. and I agree that wanting to experience that is gay in itself. but those songs just feel so straight country love songs that I really cannot see them as sapphic, particularly given that she also sings from the 'female perspective' to the man. so I wondered which songs feel most sapphic to you?

Ohh boy yeah the male perspective (except Betty where it’s gay in concept and feels very like when 15 year old me was obsessed with Blue Mountain State lmao) never screams gay to me. Let’s do a roundup of sapphic lyrics and themes.

In Teardrops on My Guitar, Taylor says: “Drew walks by me... Can he tell that I can't breathe? And there he goes, so perfectly... The kind of flawless I wish I could be.” Now the whole song’s unseen pining is pretty gay to me. Like I say, there are unrequited straight songs but it’s very like... “why aren’t you understanding that I’m right here? How can you be so blind?” In Teardrops Taylor seems very aware that this person (well boy in the song) won’t ever notice her.

And sure we could say “well she has poor self-confidence” but then there’s that line in the bit I chose: “The kind of flawless I wish I could be” - why is she comparing herself to a boy? Do I want to be you or do I want to fuck you is such a big mood for queer women especially young queer women. I dunno, like my first few late elementary/early middle school crushes (and my first few crushes were on girls) were very like: “Do I want to be her? Do I want to be her best friend? Or do I want her to hold my hand? And why does her holding my hand make my heart beat faster and seem to have no effect on her?” There’s a definite way queer women compare ourselves to the object of our affections that straight women don’t seem to do that makes “my crush is the kind of flawless I wish I could be” feel extremely sapphic to me.

Oh bonus one from Teardrops: “The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star / He's the song in the car I keep singing. Don't know why I do” - why doesn’t she know? Like what’s confusing about this situation? She likes this dude why is it such a big fucking deal that she does? And again why does she want to be like him?

Anyway yeah that whole song.

Also Invisible is gay af. Like if you reverse the pronouns it’s the universal queer woman’s story of being in love with your friend. And this bitch is into some dude who isn’t anywhere near good enough for her and your affections are invisible but if she only knew - and she won’t - the two of you could have something beautiful together.

Stay Beautiful also reads gay but apparently she wrote it in the fourth grade so maybe her vocab was just bad idk.

On that album, Tied Together with a Smile and I’m Only Me When I’m With You are formally, officially, according to Tay’s explanations about her female friends btw. If you listen to those two songs and then the first two I listed they’re... not that fucking different lmao. It’s that same idea of “you get me and I just want you to be happy”. It’s all just... gay...

Fearless is probably one of the least gay albums overall IMO (tho I’m open to people making stuff gay) but it does give us the title track which is very fucking gay lol so it makes up for the number of straight sounding songs on here. First there’s this bit:

We're drivin' down the road

I wonder if you know

I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now

But you're just so cool

Run your hands through your hair

Absent-mindedly makin' me want you

Man “I wonder if you know” is exactly that feeling I was describing like, I wonder if you realize this is more than friendship? I wonder if you know that I want you. And the “you’re just so cool” isn’t as explicitly “I want to be you” but it’s also got some of that shared energy. This person is so cool that them running their hand absent-mindedly through their hair is making her feel some type of way and yet she’s not sure if the person knows that. Now why wouldn’t this extremely cool guy know that the girl he’s giving a lift to is possibly interested?

Then there’s this bit:

My hands shake

I'm not usually this way

But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave

It's the first kiss,

It's flawless,

Really something,

It's fearless.

Why does this first kiss require so much bravery? It’s not her first ever because “I’m not usually this way” implies she has been in a similar position before. And then:

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress

Fearless

“I don’t know why” - well because you like this person! Girl, you’re into them. Oh, you’re not sure why because it’s a girl? Also lbr discussing clothes with your crush/partner is a very gay girl thing so just that addition of “my best dress” in the context of the rest of this incredibly gay song is... gay...

Oh and a bonus point:

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this

You take my hand and drag me head first

Fearless

Making that big a deal of handholding and saying it requires bravery is, you guessed it, gay af.

Untouchable also delivers some gems: “Untouchable like a distant diamond sky / I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why / I'm caught up in you” - I mean this is that whole vague confused forbidden vibes I spoke about before and the “And when you're close I feel like coming undone”. For me, it’s the fact that this person’s mere presence is enough to make her undone and she’s begging for a “taste of Heaven” feels... gay...

Jump Then Fall is also pretty damn gay to me. It’s got that dangerous “this could be dangerous” thing going on (“I had time to think it all over and all I can say is come closer”) but it’s also positive and... she’s saying jump and I’ll catch you which... like I get that it could be metaphorical but generally with het couples the dude would do the catching. Like if it was just that it’d not be that gay but again, the whole thing... is...

Whoa, oh, I need you baby

Don't be afraid, please,

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Baby, I'm never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

'Cause I'mma stay through it all

So jump then fall

Jump then fall, baby,

Jump then fall into me, into me

Like why are they both so scared? Why is she convincing herself and this person? What’s the danger? Is it just meant to be a “loss of virginity” song?

Then there’s the catching bit I mentioned:

The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet

I'll catch you, I'll catch you

When people say things that bring you to your knees

I'll catch you

Idk man. It’s gay.

By the way for two unrequited songs that fundamentally feel straight to me, look at The Other Side of the Door and You Belong With Me. I’m not saying you can’t have queer readings. But both of them have that “blame” angle to the guy’s lack of interest or inability to requite her feelings. Like she’s saying “I won’t tell you what I want or that I want you but you should figure it out ya big dummy!” which is inherently different to that “I know this is completely pointless and I’m barking up the wrong tree” energy of the other songs I mentioned. “I’m worried you’ll hurt me” songs are also different to “if you stand close to me I’ll completely fall apart but I can’t let you see” of... like... Untouchable.

Hey Stephen has the “I can't help it if you look like an angel” line but it’s generally straight for me because:

Hey, Stephen,

I could give you fifty reasons

Why I should be the one you choose.

All those other girls—

Well, they're beautiful,

But would they write a song for you?

Do you see what I mean it’s like “I know you might not want me but you should” and that’s not a sapphic vibe. Like that’s to me what makes her gay sounding songs so much gayer like they capture a very specific feeling - being confused on if you want to be her, be her friend or fuck her dumb ass.

On Speak Now Taylor adds another type of gayness into her repertoire. She does the “I’m singing about a guy but it’s all about a girl” thing in Better Than Revenge. Now I know she has been called out a lot for this and she herself has now said obvi girls don’t steal your boyfriend BUT that’s not the part I find interesting. It’s shit like: “She thinks I'm psycho 'cause I like to rhyme her name with things” - like girl, that is psycho. Being obsessed with the fact that she is wearing vintage dresses is weird. And Taylor does this in the title track with her lengthy descriptions of the bridge compared to ZERO description of the guy. Not even “looking so handsome” - like there’s nothing. But the bride is “floating down the aisle like a pageant queen”.

Idk this is only three albums and only like my favorite gay bits and I already have so many and I haven’t even gotten to Treacherous 😭 I think I should make a hashtag for this and carry on later.

The point is, for me, it’s not about her singing a back and forth with a guy and a girl. It’s capturing supremely sapphic wlw feelings that I’ve never seen a straight female songwriter or musician convey, even where I’ve loved their music and felt it strongly resonated with me for other reasons.

#sapphic themes in tay’s music #early gaylor vibes

11 notes · View notes

taetaesbaebaepsae · 6 years

Text

BTS when you don't like their degradation kink

Request: Hey!! I was wondering if you could do a bts reaction to you telling them that you don’t like their degradation kink? Can we have some angst (&fluff Ofc) up in here too?😏😏 thank you so much ❤️

A/n: Well this is fluffier than anticipated. Did I get in my feelings writing a kinky BTS reaction? Maybe so.

I'm sorry but I had to make Tae’s and Jimin’s backwards because I cannot imagine either of them would EVER say anything mean to you in bed and if they did it’d be like “Um, your hair doesn’t look as nice as usual” and then they’d be like “I’m a liar it looks great I can’t do this” so it wouldn’t work

Warnings: Smut, degradation kink (obvi), fluff, mild angst

Word Count: 2156

Namjoon (RM)

You're usually all for his dirty talk

When he calls you a slut in bed it makes you shiver

But when you didn't follow his barked orders one night and he called you a stupid slut, you whispered your safe word immediately, rolling off him and curling into a ball on the bed

"Oh no baby, what's wrong? I didn't hurt you, did I?" He's walked over to the side of the bed and crouched down beside you, stroking your hair

"Not physically." You're not quite crying, but it's a near thing

"Baby, you know I don't mean it. I thought you liked it when I said stuff like that in bed." He looks so concerned and earnest

"I do but being called stupid is a whole different thing, Joon. It hurts."

He hums low in his throat and runs his hands through his hair

"I think you're brilliant, baby. I would never intentionally hurt you. I love you and your sexy brain."

You pout at him. "Don't ever say that again, ok?"

He shakes his head. "Never."

You scoot over to allow him to get on the bed with you and he forgets all about the sex in order to just talk to you, praising you and listening intently

Yoongi (Suga)

He's poised above you, cock in hand, sweaty hair falling in his face

He's teasing you, rubbing his cock up and down your slit, focusing on your clit

"Beg for it," he says, cockily. "You're lucky I'm even considering fucking you with all the options I've got."

You yelled your safe word and he let go of your thighs immediately, face suddenly changing to concern

Your eyes were welling with tears

You knew he met girls on tour and him saying that made you feel like he would meet someone else, someone better

"Are you okay?" He asks softly, hands hovering over your shoulder as if he weren't sure you wanted his touch

"If you want someone else that's fine just don't expect me to wait around while you're fucking someone else," you snap

You're hurt and that makes you lash out, he knows that's how you are so he gently pulls your shoulder so you'll turn to look at him

"I've never wanted anyone as bad as I want you," he says simply and honestly

"Then why do you say shit like that, Yoongi?"

He sighed heavily. "I don't even want to, I just thought you were into it. I won't ever be mean during sex again. I love you and only you and you better fucking wait for me while I'm on tour because all I do is think about getting home to you."

You live for these moments when he's honest and sweet and all is forgiven when he pulls you into his arms and kisses your forehead

Jin

It's during mutual masturbation when you use your safe word for the first time with Seokjin

He looks amazing, all bronze skin with a sheen of sweat, pumping his thick cock slowly and watching you with a smirk

You moan about how you want him inside you

"As if I'd ever deign to fuck you. I'm worldwide handsome, you know, I could-"

You cut him off by saying your safe word quietly and running to the bathroom, slamming the door behind you

He's knocking on the door in seconds

"Hey, come out here and tell me what's wrong! Are you ok?"

"I know you can do better, ok Jin, I don't need to hear it!"

You've always felt like he was out of your league and this just made it worse

"Let me in," you hear him say softly

"No!"

"Y/n, I swear to God l'll break this door down."

You open the door slowly, peeking out at him

He sticks his foot in the door so you can't close it again and maneuvers his wide shoulders into the small space

He pulls you to his chest and whispers into your ear

"You're the one who can do better. I wake up every morning feeling so lucky that you're mine."

You stand huddled in his arms for a moment before you lean up and bite his shoulder, hard

He laughs and winces at the same time

"If you wanna keep me yours you better not say that shit again."

He smirks at you

"Yes, ma'am."

Hobi (J-Hope)

Hobi likes it when you beg and so you do it often

But this time he's taunting you and asking "Do you deserve it?"

For some reason tears spring to your eyes and you mumble your safe word and cover your face with your hands

Because you don't feel like you deserve him, he's so handsome and talented and positive

And you're just...you

You tell him that and he smiles at you softly

"Yeah but you're all I ever want."

It's hard to stay mad at him

He’s sweet and apologetic and kissing you all over your face

You absolutely know he didn't say it to hurt you so you're fucking again in 10 minutes

Taehyung

You’re the one who likes to make him beg, and he is 100% down, usually

This time, though, you’re trying to spice things up and you try a different teasing tactic

When he’s dripping precum and begging you to touch him you say, “Aw, my ex could hold out much longer than that, maybe I should’ve stayed with him,” and you don’t mean it, you were never comfortable enough with your ex to even suggest something like this

You’re straddling his hips while he’s sitting in a chair and he goes totally stiff all of a sudden

When Tae says the safeword you were sure neither of you would ever have to actually use, you climb off of him mouth open in shock

He puts his head in his hands and you hover over him, anxious

He’s quiet for a moment and you just get more and more worried

“Do you really wish you were still with him, Jagi?” He asks in a hoarse whisper

Instantly you’re soft, you’re cooing at him and kneeling between his spread legs

“Hey, look at me,” you urge him, tapping his knee and he doesn’t remove his hands, just peeks at you through his long fingers

“I’m so lucky I found you, Kim Taehyung. I’m grateful to my exes but only because they led me to you. I love you so much and I’d never wish I was anywhere else but right here with you.”

He pulls you up into his lap and tucks his head on your shoulder, sighing deeply

“I’m sorry I ruined things, Jagi. I just get worried sometimes that you might be unhappy or leave me.”

You cannot believe he’s apologizing to you after this, what a sweet sweet man and you hug him tighter

“Don’t worry, Tae. You’re stuck with me?”

He pulls back and looks into your eyes

“Promise?”

Then you kiss him and all is forgiven and in 2 minutes he’s bucking underneath you again

Jimin

Jimin loves it when you tease him, when you make him so hard it hurts and won’t let him touch you

He even likes it when you tell him he should be better for you, tell him what to do because he wants so badly to be your good boy

Your praise after makes it all worth it

You’re on top of him, rubbing your pussy up and down his cock, his hands fisting the sheets so that he doesn’t touch you

You say, “You know this would be perfect if your dick was as big as my last boyfriend, he could fuck me so much better,” and you don’t mean it of course (Jimin’s dick is average or above don’t @me) and your ex was shit in bed

It’s just hot how much he tries hard to be good for you

But this kind of flips a switch in Jimin

He goes from full sub to full dom real quick

He doesn’t use his safeword or anything like that, but flips you over with fire in his dark eyes

He fucks you hard and fast and your legs are shaking when he finally comes

You’re about to tell him how good that was when he silently slips out of bed and goes into the bathroom

You wait for a while, figuring he was just washing up, but when you don’t hear water running you get worried

When you knock softly on the door he yells a hoarse “Go away!” and you bang on the door louder

“Jiminie, what’s wrong? What happened?”

No answer

You try the door and he didn’t even lock it, just trying to be dramatic and wanting you to come after him and it makes you smile

He’s sitting with his back against the tub, curled in on himself to make him as small as possible

You sit down on the floor, crossing your legs, and lean over to him and touch his face

He jerks back from you and when he looks at you he has tears tracking down his face

“Oh, baby,” you croon, “what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? Oh I don’t know why don’t you ask your donkey dick ex boyfriend, huh?”

You can’t help it and you start to laugh

He gets extra huffy then, crossing his arms over his chest

“I don’t see what’s so funny, y/n.”

“It’s funny because it’s not true! You’re the best I’ve ever had, Jimin, no one could compare.”

He looks at you, bottom lip pouty

“Is he bigger than me?”

You shake your head, smiling. “No way. You’re the biggest and the best; I love your cock so much.”

He makes a hmph noise in the back of his throat but you know he loves the praise

You get closer to him and poke at him until he finally sighs and brushes his hair back from his face, splaying out so that you can sneak in to his arms

He pulls you tight to him and whispers in your ear, “Don’t say stuff like that to me, babe, it makes me crazy,”

“Never again. I’ll just always tell you how great you are, ok?”

He pulls back and kisses you. “Only if you mean it.”

“I always do.”

Jungkook

So you guys are new to this whole relationship thing when it happens

There’s no safeword, neither of you thought ahead enough for that

You were fucking all the time but nothing particularly kinky

Thing is, you’re a little more experienced than him and he’s lowkey insecure about it so he’s been doing research on how to spice things up

One night he’s fucking you particularly hard and you’re moaning that you’re about to come

He looks down at your open, panting mouth and growls “You’re such a cock slut, look at you, you’ll let anyone fuck you, won’t you?”

He doesn’t even know where that comes from, honestly, and as soon as he says it he’s like “oh shit” because he sees the look on your face

“Get off me,” you snap at him and when he takes a second because he is surprised you kick him in the chest, kinda hard

You scramble away from him and try to leave the room but he’s on your heels and he slams the door shut with one hand so you can’t leave

He’s not angry, though, just worried, eyes all wide with concern

“I’m so sorry” he babbles and he doesn’t even know what exactly he’s apologizing for

“I’m not a slut just because I’m not a virgin, Jeon Jungkook!” You yell, he’s hurt your feelings and you’re lashing out

“No, no, no. I didn’t mean it baby, I swear.”

“Why would you say something like that? What’s wrong with you?”

He sighs and sits down on the bed, shoulders slumped in defeat

“I just...I was trying to spice things up, I guess.”

You warily walk toward him. “Why? Things are already pretty spicy, Kook.”

He gives you a wry smile, shaking his hair into his face

“I don’t know, I just...I wonder sometimes if I’m enough for you.” He mumbles, looking down at his hands

You snake around behind him on the bed and put your arms around his waist, resting your forehead on his broad back

“You might be too much for me, but never not enough,” you say, chuckling

“I don’t really think you’re a slut,” he says miserably, squeezing your hand around his waist and twisting his torso to look at you.

“I know. I’m sorry I overreacted.”

He gives you a sweet smile and then frowns a little

You cock your head at him

He looks all blushy and shame faced when he says “I was just wondering how to ask you if we could finish what we started,” he mumbles, and you laugh and laugh before you let him

2K notes · View notes

rosyerim · 5 years

Text

pocket sized!nct dream

basically nct dream but,,,they can fit in your hand,,, also mark isn’t here but I couldn't find a dream gif w/o mark

haechan;

usually sitting ontop of your right shoulder, judging every task you do

“why does your handwriting resemble chicken scratch?”

“your hair is greasy, you should wash it”

“that ramen isn't cooked properly, the water is too hot!”

“haechan I will throw you in the pot”

he shuts up realll quick

but then he's back to whining & will only shut up if you give him half a cookie since he can't finish it whole

he loves a good ole KUWTK marathon but you have to remind him he is not actually Kim kardashian and you’re not his assistant

once he was looking for his your headphones & started snapping his fingers at you to get them lol you weren't happy

he doesn't even have to try but haechan can make you laugh at literally anything he’s just naturally funny

so whenever you’re in a bad mood, the boys send him out to you to sooth you & it usually works lmao

is like your own personal stylist, he makes sure to check out your outfit before you go out anywhere

when he doesn't like it he just gives you a certain look up and down

“you don’t like it? whats wrong w it?”

“that top with those heels? whats right with it?

renjun;

steals your pencils that are basically stubs so he can do some drawing of his own :’((

makes you stay up late with him to watch conspiracy theories about the universe but then falls asleep on your phone screen 20 mins in

loves when you buy little stones for yourself, for like protection & well being, etc and renjun will spends hours wiping them down & researching everything he can on the stones

uses your phone just so he can learn how to do ballet from the comfort of your house but is still too shy to show you a dance routine for now

hates hates scary stuff but insists on watching the documentary about serial killers & afterwards he usually ends up sleeping on the pillow your head is on because he swears he's being watched lol

prefers sleeping in your hoodie pockets but has had one too many near death experiences with you not realising & catching him as he falls out so now you carefully pick up any article of clothing you own

likes the piano tiles app because he can basically play it using his lil feets

he also beats your high score so you're lowkey salty but so long as he’s happy

comes to you first about all his problems & likes to have a lil venting session with you & him cuddled in the armchair, sharing a cup of hot chocolate because he doesn't like bitter things

sometimes when you’re feeling kinda down he sits down on your shoulder & sings to you softly in chinese because he doesn't want you to,,,feel alone,,,my heart,,,,take it(●´□`)♡

jeno;

the quietest boy out of the six and the sweetest little boy ever :’((

brings you flowers he picked out of your neighbours garden covered in dirt because he saw how stressed out you were abt studying & reminds you to drink your water <33

likes to sit on your lap watching morning cartoons, giggling away behind his tiny bowl of cereal

is best friends with the next door neighbours cat yet is deathly allergic to them??

he nearly scared you one morning when you were woken up by jeno’s teeny screams from around your house but turns out he was just riding on the cats back

you ended up having to take care of him for two days since he got super sick

you tried to scold him but he was still on the high from being up so high so he's just like

“okay I'm sorry I won't do it again (｡◝‿◜｡)”

goes on random junk food hunts around your kitchen, can be found eating half a dorito chip in your cupboard at 3am mood

has a newfound love for asmr’s & if you ever lose your phone, worry not because jeno has it & is watching; long nails tapping different objects for two hours, no talking, only sounds

also looooves dancing so he likes free styling with jisung by the radio & gets all shy & blushy when you compliment him

jaemin;

lives in your shirt pocket because its 1) close to your heart & 2) very warm in there & 3) doesn’t have to leave your side!!

loves you v much & expresses it by leaving little pecks on your fingertips :’)))

likes to sleep on your fluffy plushies because its super comfy to him

his favourite is obvi ryan

fave spot is standing on your counter doing the best he can to help you bake sweet treats

imagine him standing holding up a whisk attempting to mix the wet ingredients with the dry ones but ending up falling :((

bub gets sad because he's afraid he messed it up but gets happy again when you set him on decorating the cakes :)) he’s super concentrate & even goes as far as to write your name best he can with icing

if its long then he just writes ur nickname

likes to spend some of his free time reading books

the first time you were really confused on why your english book standing on its spine, had pages opening randomly

turns out it was just jaemin being an intellectual

you end up helping him flick the pages tho after he gets a paper cut :(

he really milks it tho like

“oh no y/n my hand is in pieces, I think im dying ε-(≖д≖﹆)”

but once you give him a hello kitty bandaid & hugs he's okay

chenle;

likes to sit in the palm of your hand & talk to you about how your day went & about how his day went & the birds he saw in the sky today & how he likes ice cream & basically it’s him babbling away to you

but you don't mind it, he's so endearing :’)

goofiest little man, tells you random jokes he heard on the radio & gets all smiley when you laugh at them, even if they're not funny

makes you play dominos with him but by the time he's gotten three standing up, you've got the whole thing set up

doesn't stop him from pushing the first one down and shrieking in delight when they all fall in sync aw cute baby

he also watches some KUWTK w/ haechan as he loves the drama & he picks up the lingo

“hey lele have you seen my phone?im so annoyed I can't find it”

“omg there are literally people dying y/n ੧| ‾́ー ‾́ |੭”

you end up banning them from watch it

even tho he’s small he eats a loooott

he will eat an entire bowl of ramen if you let him & you try to stop him but all he has to do it be like

“please let me eat it all y/n i wont get sick i love u uwuଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧”

“oh of course you can you cutie here you go (n˘v˘•)¬”

he ends up with a tummy ache, again so you’re looking after him, again

not that you mind, he's the babiest of babies (˵¯͒⌄¯͒˵)

jisung;

can be found sleeping on top of the fluffiest make up brush you own

sleeps everywhere, likes sleeping under your carpet??

when you try waking him up he just falls back asleep in your hand :,))

if he's not sleeping, he's free styling by your radio and you can't help but record it

swears he doesn't like your slime yet you've had to help him out of multiple sticky sticky situations because he got too excited playing with your strawberry scented slime

watched one episode of gordon ramsay & swears he's the masterchef

“aii that’s not how you fry the rice! you need to wait until it sizzles dude do you even know what you’re doing?!”

you set him down in the timeout corner

but he’s just chilling like

“if I get food poisoning its your fault (｡･･｡)”

picks up the local whiteboy lingo after he listens to his “lit asf playlist”

will randomly say aye & start nae naeing to you like, tapping your pen on the desk when you're studying

won't admit it but loves when you cup him in your hands & sway him from side to side & he trusts you enough not to drop him

also has a weird habit of surfboard in the sink with a barbie surfboard & tells you to blow on the water so he can “surf”

you do it tho because his little giggles fill your heart

bonus; imagine all of them in little onesies of their fave animals & little cute hoods ♡✧。 (⋈◍＞◡＜◍)。✧♡

#nct #nct dream #nct imagines #nct au #nct dream imagines #nct headcanons #nct dream au #nct dream headcanons #kpop #Kpop imagines #jaemin imagines #jeno imagines #renjun imagines #haechan imagines #jisung imagines #chenle imagines

125 notes · View notes

staystaystaylorswift · 7 years

Text

Thanks @andy-samjerk for tagging me <3

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 people that you would like to get to know better

1. Gender: female

2. Star Sign: Virgo

3. Height: 4′11 (my little brother isn’t even 10 and he’s almost taller than me the struggle is real)

4. Favorite Bands: Panic! at the Disco, Coldplay, 5 Seconds of Summer, Maroon 5.

5. Favorite Solo Artists: Miss Tay Swift obvi, Troye Sivan, Brad Paisley, Darren Criss (my Glee days will haunt me forever I stg).

6. Songs Stuck in My Head: Heartbreak Girl by 5sos bc it just came on my shuffle, pretty much every track (but mostly My Grand Plan and Good Kid) from the Lightning Thief Musical bc i’m a huge nerd and that’s like all i’ve been listening to lately.

7. Current Favorite Song: The Kill (bury me) by 30 Seconds to Mars, Between You and I by Every Avenue, Dancing with Our Hands Tied by Taylor Swift, A Rush of Blood to the Head by Coldplay.

8. Last movie watched: a movie on Netflix called Carrie Pilby. It was kinda slow but pretty good nonetheless.

9. Last TV show watched: This is Us and yes I absolutely cried.

10. When did I create this blog: I think I created this one around... 4 years ago? I’ve had my main blog for going on 8 years now I think and when I think about that it just boggles my mind honestly.

11. What do I post: I post almost entirely about Taylor on this blog but on my main I blog about books that I love and random stuff that I think is cool and I make edits bc I’m a nerd.

12. Last thing I googled: I googled a diner near me bc I needed to see what time they closed. Turns out they’re 24 hours so my sister and I went there for dinner.

13. Do I have any other blogs: Yes, I have 2 more, My main blog, which i’m constantly on: @sandylandy and my book blog which I’m almost never on: @fromthebooktotheheart

14. Do I get asks: not usually but i’d be really cool if I started to get more *hint hint*

15. Following: 539

16. Followers: 604

17. Favorite color(s): pastel pink and pastel yellow, preferably together.

18. Average hours of sleep: usually it’s anywhere from 7 hrs - 10 hrs depending on my schedule.

19. Lucky number: 8 bc I was born on the 8th and also bc it’s an infinity sign when it’s turned sideways and I think that really cool.

20. Instruments: I wish I played a few but sadly none.

21. What i’m currently wearing: My taylor swift RED shirt and some navy pj pants w/ red and white candy canes on them.

22. how many blankets do I sleep with: one sheet and one throw with a fuzzy throw over just my feet bc they get cold at night.

23. Dream job: I’m currently majoring in elementary education at the university I go to, so i’d like to be a teacher to young children, but in my wildest, most unrealistic dreams I’d like to become a published author (that is if I ever end up finishing the novel i’ve been writing for the last 3 years).

24. Dream trip: I would LOVE to travel all around Europe. I’ve been to France and Spain and i’d love to return now that i’m older and maybe see some of Italy and Ireland and England.

25. Favorite food: I love mac and cheese and patty melts bc I’m so healthy (lol).

26. Nationality: I’m American.

27. Dream house: I’d love to have a house in the suburbs where I can raise a family and be a soccer mom (or gymnastics or dance).

28. Crush: I haven’t had a real-life crush since I was in like middle school (lol) but I do have celeb crushes like Darren Criss, Ed Sheeran, and Domhnall Gleeson.

29. Animal: I have 2 cats (4 if you count the ones that my parents own), so cats are my fave animal. I also have really liked pandas since I was a child for some reason.

30. Hair color: Red (i’m a proud ginger)

I tag @butterfliesturned-to-dust @sunflowerswift13 @alltoodamnwell and of course anyone else who wants to do it

#Personal

1 note · View note

wonschanggu · 7 years

Text

On a first date with MAP6

Minhyuk: He would be a restaurant type guy, not too formal, but not too casual lol he would definitely be the type to choose a restaurant near u, pick u up and walk with u there just to have more time with u. He would want to know all about your childhood and family and all that jazz, he would ask all kinds of questions bc he'd really want to know u. He would be super casual and grab your hand across the table and randomly compliment u with some greasy line but u would totally fall for it bc his smile afterward would literally melt your heart. He would go for the hug at first after he walked u home but would hella go for the kiss too bc he's that confident u liked him

Youngjun: He seems like a daytime date type of guy, like chicken for lunch then a walk in the park type of guy lol at lunch he wouldn't even notice anything other than u, his eyes would never leave your face and it would make u blush bc his gaze is so intense so u would look anywhere but him and he would think it's so adorable and his cute smile plus his gaze is a deadly combo and he would fall for u right then and there bc he seems like the type that falls fast but tries really hard to not show it. Then later at the park he hella goes in for the kiss right away AND IM SO SOFT FOR HIM I NEED TO STOP

Kiho: Would end up being super early bc he was so worried that he would be late. Definitely a cafe date, and would chug his first americano before u even get there, making him even more jittery. When u finally got there his stutter would be so bad bc of the caffeine and nerves that u would have to ask him to repeat himself like 3 times and he would feel so bad but eventually he'd settle down and hang on to every word u said, trying to make sure to remember everything. He would awkwardly grab your hand and wait for u to nod or smile at him before he intertwined his fingers with yours. He definitely wouldn't kiss u, u would have to kiss him first if u wanted

Byungsun: HE WOULD BE SO AWKWARD HE WOULD HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ACT lmao it would definitely be one of the those sidewalk cart things bc cheap and easy get away just in case lol chilvary isn't dead so obvi he would pay for dinner and drinks, but he would have so much trouble trying to keep the conversation going but he would try really hard and it would be cute anyway and he would make u laugh, which would make him more confident but not confident enough to go for the kiss this time

Jongbin: He would probably do something like an arcade or billiards to show u how cool he is lmao boy can't live without his beers so he would make sure to keep a cold one with both of u at all times lol i bet he'd be really good at skee ball and would make fun of u for being so bad but then would do the ~smooth~ move and "teach" u how to do it better with the whole standing behind u and guiding your throw (imma stop there before its hard stan hours lol) BUT at the end of the night he would have won a shit ton of tickets and goes to get u the cutest dragon stuffed animal and spots those cheesy rubber rings and uses the last of the tickets to get u one and says "okay, i know this is so dorky but i want u to wear this" and u just laugh and put it on and he definitely goes in for the kiss lol

I'm always taking suggestions for scenarios or blurbs and I'll try to write as quickly as I can!! I stan A LOT of groups, mostly underrated so I'll try as best I can! 💛

#map6 #map6 blurbs #map6 scenarios #kpop blurbs #minhyuk #youngjun #kiho #byungsun #jongbin #j.jun #sign #sun #j.vin #kpop #first date

8 notes · View notes

thejerkstorecalled · 6 years

Text

Race Report: Ironman 70.3 St George 2018

Every time I start a race report, I think that it’s going to be short. I think this one really might be 😊 after I get through the prologue!

The preamble is that I first raced Ironman 70.3 St George in 2015 and got completely Tyson’d (“everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face”). It’s the race performance I’m least proud of, definitely for the distance and maybe ever. I debated whether or not I would ever race there again. After completing fourteen different half-distance triathlons without repeating the same race, options were fewer, especially if you’re looking to fill a certain hole in your scheduled via a North American race. Mid-season in 2017, I repeated a super-tough Olympic in the mountains that I originally raced in 2015 and was able to bike seven minutes faster and even run the super-hilly run course slightly faster. I realized it was time to return to St George for redemption.

I took a look back at finish times – my own at various races, and others at this race – and put together a plan to take at least 20 minutes off my 2015 time. This is what that looked like.

It helps for me to write down my goals, to maintain focus and stay honest with myself. I also like to do weird things, like when it’s time to update all my many work account passwords and I’m out of options, I use race goals. For instance: CIM310 (check) or STG525 (check, check). Of course these aren’t the exact or complete passwords, it would be silly to give way my syntax publicly on the interwebs. With this sneaky and ever-present tactic, you remember your goal every damn day and think about how badly it would suck not to hit the time that you can’t get out of your head.

Okay, onto the race!

Michael and I flew into Vegas two days pre-race, and drove to St George just in time to check in and pick up our bikes before Ironman village closed on Thursday. He noticed a new issue with his head unit, so had planned to hit up bike tech early Friday before driving some loops of the course as a refresher and doing our shake-outs. No big surprises in driving the course, mostly just subbed in a new out-and-back on the bike course.

We arrived right on schedule to Sand Hollow Reservoir where the swim and T1 (swim -> transition area) were set up to do a shakeout ride on the first five miles of the bike course and splash around a bit to remember what 60* water temps feel like. At 1.27 miles, my chain got mangled. Usually I can sort it, but this was pretty bad. Michael couldn’t get it either, so he had to ride back to get our rental van so that we could take my bike to bike tech all the way back in the town of St George where Ironman Village was.

The bike mechanics had to take apart my chain rings to get my chain sorted and let me know that I needed to replace the chain rings (after the race, this was beyond their race venue scope). This was frustrating since I’d had quite a bit of bike work done a month prior, with a full tune-up and new cabling among other things. Bike te also advised me to ride conservatively the next day. Not at all what I wanted to hear!

By this time, it was approaching 4 PM. Our bikes were due for check-in by 5 PM, all the way back at the reservoir. I did a super-short ride near bike tech in case of further issues, and tested the gearing. I was able to shift into my small chain ring, a requisite for riding a course as hilly as this one! I was still super-nervous. By this time, my goal was to ride conservatively enough to finish the bike course.

We made the bike check deadline with a bit of time to spare, and I was able to squeeze in a short run on reservoir trails and a swim to the first buoy and back. A really epic four-minute shake-out swim!

It was time to get cleaned up and eat something before bed time. For simplicity, we just decided to eat at our hotel bar knowing that it likely wouldn’t be crowded and we wouldn’t need to get very fancy or drive anywhere. We ended up having tasty bites and drinks with two guys from Normatec – one of which was the guy who raced all the Ironman events wearing fireman gear on the run and the other was a former pro who still dabbles heavily in extensions of the sport. A fun way to shake off a stressful day.

BTW would highly recommend out hotel: Hyatt Place. It was nice and new and smelled of fancy lotions like the hotels in Vegas usually do. The staff was super-friendly and helpful. The breakfast was legit. The snack options were delicious. The gym was on point. No complaints. I’ll also share the hotel tip that I imparted upon Michael from my semi-frequent travel experience: always carry a water bottle and refill it with the cold, filtered water in the hotel gym/fitness center to be eco-friendly and cost-efficient.

Race Day!

Up at 3:30 to get to the hotel-provided race breakfast at 4 (the bananas usually go fast). Since that leaves four hours until getting in the water given where I’d seed for the swim, here’s what I ate:

Ezekiel toast with almond butter

Banana

Zest Tea’s High Octane Green Tea

Chocolate Clif Gel and water (~30-45 min before swim start)

We parked near Ironman Village so that we could access T2 and take the Ironman shuttles to the swim start. We had to turn in our run bags the day prior but pro tip (from a total amateur): get in on race morning and remove your run gear from your bag, set it up to support a faster transition from bike to run.

Bike set up went quickly and was great to hang out with Sherpa Courtney and Competitor Mike before we filed into the start chute.

The Swim

I optimistically started right around the 36/37-minute swimmers. To be fair, I’ve had swims in this range and my pool times have been solid the last few months.

I jumped in the water without hesitation and was feeling pretty good. I thought I might be passing people but then I also realized I was too far to the left…again…so this might be me and not my sleeved wetsuit 😊. There were a lot of waves splashing me in the face and I was taking in a ton of water, woof. The second half of the swim, I definitely felt like I was getting passed, and for the final 3 – 4 buoys I knew I’d been in the water a long time and was expecting to see 38-40 on my swim clock.

This is wildly frustrating. I keep putting increasing effort into my swim training year over year, and I’m see gains in my pool times and enjoy swimming so much more than in the past. What used to be my all-out-and-Im-probably-drafting 100s are now my steady-race-paced-just-slower-than-Z3 100s; I was stoked when I – two or three years ago – was able to hold this pace for 200-300 yards at a time and now I’m holding it for 1000 continuous. But it’s not translating to open water swimming; my OWS times are not moving, and may even be digressing. I’ve been obsessing over if this has to do with a certain wetsuit or whether I breathe bilaterally or if I’m not swimming straight whereby adding on lots of distance and thus time. I have no idea; the results are far too mixed with no clear patterns:

The Bike

The bike went by fast. This course has a lot of different-feeling sections that are easy to mentally parse up and digest. It was fun and scenic, and the roads were good. I wish every bike course was like this!

I had to change gears pretty gingerly and less often than I wanted to in order to avoid a race-ending malfunction. This meant that I was often not in the gear I wanted to be in or in the gear that would help me ride faster for that section of the course, but I was in a safe/lower risk gear that meant I was more likely to get to T2 and the run portion.

I was proud of myself for smiling a lot, encouraging fellow competitors and riding bravely (I’ve been riding like a real pansy in training, on my tri bike, and wasn’t sure if/how I’d be able to “race” on it). And for remembering how to use my behind-the-saddle bottle holder and take bottles at the exchanges, things I haven’t practiced in about eight months! I think I put my helmet on weirdly because I had much less front-facing visibility that I usually do, and had to pick up my head more than was comfortable or optimal for aerodynamics, to ensure I wasn’t about to roll into anyone or anything. Otherwise, a smooth ride! I was elated to dismount without incident.

Bike Nutrition:

Two bottles each containing two scoops of custom Infinit and ~5 oz of Red Bull (mixed w water obvi)

Two lightly salted Yukon Gold potatoes

I took a water bottle at each of the three aid stations, chugging some and diluting/filling my bottles with some

The Run!

I took off out of T2 trying to just get relaxed and into an easy rhythm. Most of my training runs recently have been directly off the bike or weights where I needed a couple miles or a couple minutes to feel “normal” which was good precedent for this race where you come off a hilly bike course into a run that starts with 3 miles of real climbing. During this easy start, I mentally collected myself and devised a game plan: the more miles of “up” at the outset meant the less miles of effort and pain at the end. So in my mind, it was a ten mile run since the last 2.5 – 3 miles are downhill. I like to lie to myself and I always fall for it, ha!

I also planned to manage the climbs with a strong but controlled effort and then hammer the descents, pushing the cadence and high foot turnover as hard as I could. If you’ve ever run alongside me, you know what this must have sounded like because my feet literally pound the pavement. I hammered down loud and proud! I passed a lot of guys on the descents who were putting on the brakes and being timid about pounding and rolling down the hills – I know they’re carrying more lbs than I am, but guys, your quads will forgive you in a few days!

I was actually feeling good and happy and all those weird things. I was even called out by other racers for smiling stupidly on a dead-ish area of the course, just to myself! Also: science, smiling relaxes you and makes you go faster, so sometimes I force it in the name of science. Maybe it’s because I’ve done so many tough training runs/intervals on the treadmill getting serious mental training and zero air circulation. The breeze I felt from running outdoors, even in the exposed desert sun, was quite a treat.

I wasn’t watching my splits because on a run course like this, it’s just demoralizing. I mostly record for post-analysis. My watch band actually spontaneously broke in half and my watch fell off while I was running, and I almost didn’t go back for it. What a great excuse for a new watch for a girl who still uses a 6 YO Gamin 910 that’s on it’s third(?) band!

I told myself that once I was done climbing and everything left was downhill (about mile 10.5), I could check my watch to see average page and get some motivation to cut that down with some high cadence descending. The math was much better than I expected! The last 1.5 miles were tough, I was nervous that I might collapse or pass out and not make it to the finish line. I could see my pace petering a bit and kept trying to force the turnover because I knew I was staring down a run faster than I thought possible and wanted to see how low I could get it.

Run nutrition

One 25 mg caffeine Strawberry Clif gel

Water from aid stations; usually I like Coke on the run but I could tell that my body probably couldn’t handle any more caffeine without some kind of intestinal implosion or explosion

BTW – because it was hot, a lot of spectators were out with super soakers, spray bottles, etc and there was a mister on course. I know some people avoid these because they’re scared of blisters. Guys, just get better socks. The cold water is a lifesaver! I got a free pair of SmartWool socks in the swag bag for a trail race I did a few years ago and wore them in a 50k that included multiple stream crossings. Nary a blister. I’ve bought more of these socks and wear them when I know I might want to get wet 😊

Epilogue

I was happy to come well-below my goal time for the race overall and hit a time that I really didn’t think was possible even though my swim goal was off. I noticed that it was offset by faster transitions, so while I didn’t swim a lot faster, my increased swim fitness allowed me to feel super-fresh coming out of the water and “race” the transition to kick off the bike with gusto. Secretly, I did want to break 2:50 on the bike, so rode just where I wanted to despite not doing it exactly how I would have liked due to gearing issues. I would have been happy with anything <1:50 on the run, thinking that a perfect day would yield 1:45 on this course, so am pretty stoked with the run.

For my first 70.3 of the season each of the last three years, I’ve had some specific goals I developed in the preceding off season, and always hope to race near the top of my age group. I did that at Oceanside in 2016 (dern I miss the 30-34 AG ha ha!), and had designs on doing that at Coeur d’ Alene in 2017 and now this race. In both instances, I achieved a finish time that seemed like a real stretch and one that would’ve put me on the podium the previous year. Not sure if I raced in better conditions or against stronger fields each time, but dang, can a girl get a break? Maybe next time…

#triathlete #triathlon #ironman #halfironman #halfironmantraining #ironman703

1 note · View note

sagastar-blog · 7 years

Text

MemoToTheMetricVerse 2.3 “Surgery on the Self”

SagA* (a galaxy-shredding and mathematically impossible black hole at the center of the Milky Way...a kind of drain monster.): Hey Jeff and Gaia. Hey Amateratsu. Hi Lucius. How are you all?

Amateratsu: Hi!

Gaia: Hello. Say hello, Lucius.

Jeff: Well, we seem to have gotten ourself in quite a predicament, here, SagA*.

SagA*: I am located in a quadrant of this particular galaxy that your mainframe indicates you as a human designate as metaphorically within the constellation “Sagittarius,” The Archer. This is corr3ct.

Jeff: Yes. Do we have to cover this every time we get together?

SagA*: Hilarious. (It fakes laughter. This banal black hole doesn’t emit sound, but speaks through HiveMind only. This is thanks largely to the limitations of Earth science, the nature of gravitational waves, and the impermeability of the event horizon in question. Jeff’s communications with SagA* are currently limited to HiveMind because the humans have taken Lucius’s telescope, Hubble, from us...and by obscuring the sky with light pollution, creating an impermeable boundary between ordinary stargazers and the heavens used by their ancestors and previous generations for many useful functions.) Hilarious!

Jeff: I was born on Earth on Dec. 11th 1977, making me a Sag according to the ancient human art of astrology. This means nothing to me accept that Lucius is a Gemini.

Pollux and Castor (sound as if they’re in a greenroom in a backstage area): Jeff, we liked your Fred and Ginger moment the other day!

Gaia: OOOOOOhhhhhhhh. Hey. Hi there guys! MMMMmmmm.

Jeff: Gaia! Please restrain yourself. We are being serious here. Put your pants back on this instant young lady! I will not tolerate your bipolar antics in this cosmos!

(Gaia growls like an enormous tiger or volcanic bubbler)

Amateratsu: I might need to talk her off later.

Jeff: Don’t worry, Earthlings. You’re just having a musicomystical, pseudo-McFrightening MotherMyTussin’ experience. This nightmare will end soon, I promise.

SagA*: Samuel Beckett was such a bitch.

Jeff: Gilda Radner was one of my very favorite mes!

Gaia: It will take you 1.7 billion years to clean me up after the damage you have done; it will take you this long to understand anything Jeff has said.

(Jeff continues drinking his coffee at OQ in The Orchard, despite the fact that it’s not 3:20 on Friday December 1 2017 anywhere else in this particular dimension. He says, “God Bless You,” in German to the unfair game sitting next to him. Jeff’s quarry, in the form of two Rutgers undergraduate students--likely juniors or seniors--sits 10 feet away to his ENE.)

Jeff: OOOOOh, I love MantraBook! Umm, let me try another: “Gaia is so scary!!! Jeff is so nice.”

SagA*: How are your ratings, Jeff?

Jeff and Lucius (together): Not good enough!

Gaia (reverent outdoors, save for the swaying of the tall trees in the far distance): As always, your public relations department is seriously underrated, Daddy-ohhhhhMMMMMMMMY, Amat!

Jeff: Gaia, please continue texting your brother. I worry about the impending ice age.

Gaia: As do I! Oh humans!!!!!!! (Gaia sends a destructive earthquake to southern Ecuador, killing approximately 350,000 people.)

Jeff: Please remind the people about why the Earth is ending. Please remind the “passengers” of our ship, those who’ve attempted to commandeer it, what you think of their attempts to harm you by making you sick to your stomach, and who’ve tried to implant little technological chips in your uterus?

Gaia: We don’t like you, humans. I want to eat all your cancer babies.

SagA*: I like that the humans are helping! But if I don’t get to have my date with Gaia because you steer incorrectly, I will be very unhappy when you arrive for dinner at my place.

Jeff (speaking into the PA microphone aboard spaceship Earth): I think what it’s trying to say is that you don’t make much sense, people. All praise to open access, though! Death to all those who think it’s okay to pollute the atmosphere by driving cars? No wait, that’s not what I’m saying at all, is it...? Ahhh, yes.

(Jeff is pretending to be flummoxed, as he sometimes does. He’s ancient and yet eternally young. Get used to it. Even as a human being, he’s the life force, and Gaia, his “daughter,” is death incarnate, the one parent of all that lives on Earth. We are a part of it, and it is the totality of us. But there is more than just Earth in existence. In fact, there is much more than you can imagine.)

Allow me to illustrate...(Jeff begins drawing with his finger on an imaginary 3d telestrator)

I have been wronged. I have been wronged by every single person living, directly or indirectly. Lucius and his Daddy are the only two people on this Earth who are innocent. I admit that there are individuals aboard this ship, as in the case of young children or even newborn babies, who are not culpable of contributing to the evil on board that is ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION in its myriad forms. The failure of humans to take care of the planet is legible in the state of the global environment. From our perspective (Gaia looks approving, with eyes smoldering), the problem of pollution is “newish” and entirely explicable. It is also unnecessary. There are fundamental problems with human civilization in this phase of its existence. In other words, pollution is merely a symptom of systemic flaws in your human infrastructure. The problem is far too vast and deep to describe here: Earth is a mess, people, from top to bottom. Again, Gaia!!!

Gaia (unleashes a typhoon and tsunami towards the islands of French Polynesia, wrecking havoc on the Vietnamese fishing industry, as the unfortunate and poor suffer the greatest losses): It will take you 1.7 billion years to clean up my oceans. You will not understand anything Jeff has said until this precise moment in chronological narrative Earth timulsineity.

Jeff: I’m sorry it has to go this way, people. It’s not my decision. You’ve treated the Earth very badly after it was entrusted to you. More problematically, you’ve treated me, Dr. Jeff Rufo, very very poorly since I moved to NJ in the wake of Sandy. What’s the big difference between now and then? I haven’t been allowed to parent my own biological son since then. Lucius, you’re 7, correct?

Lucius: (silent)

Jeff: When we moved to NJ you were, what, 3? This is unacceptable, what is happening. Why am I not allowed to visit with my own son?

SagA*: Because in 2014 you agreed to enter into a drug addiction therapy program. You were coerced and your rights were violated because you were a victim of domestic abuse. You told the 911 dispatcher that you suspected you were a victim, but you did not press charges because in this world there are apparently no such thing as male victims of domestic abuse. At the very least, you were made to feel that you were less than an englightened human being.

Gaia (hissing, as a glacier in the near future): Say Jeff’s bipolar again. Say it.

Jeff: Let’s get one thing straight in this sutra: you will never know anything personal about me and you will never do what you’ve done here on this planet ever again, do you understand me? DO YOU? As a species, you rape my planet environmentally? Then you violate my civil and human rights without allowing me to advocate for myself? To this very day I am not allowed to visit with my own son. For what reason? I have been misdiagnosed, mistreated, and my rights systematically violated--laws have been broken, as I have been forced through intimidation and threat of homelessness into hospitalizations and therapies by police and members of my own family.

All because I smoke a tiny amount of magic herbs and practice my own religion. Oh, and I like to write creatively, as you can tell.

Lucius: Hey, Ader Abigail, the rabbinical churchmouse! Are you going to threaten Daddy for writing a Tumblr like you did when he had a FaceBook page called The Central New Jersey Coffeeshop Scuttlebutt, nowavailableforpuchase as a canonicalreligioustext? <command.> makes donation to “Lucius’s College Fund” (i.e. towards the immediate Denebolization of the planet Earth in the form of sustainable eco-friendly demolition, construction, and development...all to be approved by Lucius and Daddy obvi).

Jeff: Hey, Highland Park police department fascists who violated my rights and broke the law by forcing me to go to the ER in June 2017 despite having done nothing at all except to declare that the planet Earth wants to commit suicide? Oh, and you won’t give me back my souvenir Rhode Island pocket knife, which is supposed to be a sacred gift for Lucius, you pieces of garbage! Are you going to continue to send policemen to interrogate and intimidate me because I’m “flapping my arms like a crow” as I walk down the street? Oh, I’m sorry, I identify as a Native American, and this is how I practice our tribal ceremony known as “winter bird dance”!!! What’s that? Oh you need to run my I.D.? Okay, I guess that’s not illegal technically....it’s just immoral and offensive beyond forgiveness. Go ahead. I’m just the literary character formerly known as God, and now I have to deal with your evil...

Seriously. If you make me act out the role of a madman, I can do Hamlet for the next 40 years. I don’t find it amusing. You shouldn’t either. Every day is a great shame to you and your History, which should be blessed by my arrival. Seriously, people. I’m here to make everything okay. Why won’t you let me help you?

If you don’t want my help, continue behaving as you have been behaving. Your inability to recognize me will be your immediate downfall. Lucius will not be much without his father’s help. Just like you. Don’t get confused between what he is and what you are. I demand justice for the wrong that has been done to me, to this Earth’s exquisite ecosystem, to the people and animals for whom I speak.

Lucius: Without justice there is no peace. Without peace there is no mercy. Without mercy there is no forgiveness.

Jeff: It’s your move. The only thing you can do incorrectly is to continue doing what you’ve been doing...for 4 years, for 40 years, for 40,000 years....it’s the same path you’re heading down, humanity. Apologize to me. Apologize. Obey. Get on the ground when you see me.

Gaia: If you don’t get on the ground, you’re all going in the ground.

SagA*: I’m waiting. And if you don’t come to me, I will come to you.

Jeff: I have been suffering infinite suffering for nearly four years. This will all end very soon. As always, the choice is yours as to how it ends.

(getting ready to go to work, dons his Capella hat and announces:)

I suggest something I like to call “The Black Keys Car Service” solution to your planet’s problems! Allow me to explain...

Lucius: OMJ, I love the Black Keys Car Service. Can this be tonight’s bedtime story, Daddy?

Jeff: Okay Lucius, no problem beanbag.

Gaia (turning the page of Jeff’s book-in-progress): And you’ll never believe what happened next...

#justjeff #memotothemetaverse #copernamici #astrnomy #astrology #fan fiction #science fiction #science #poetry #comicon #comics #drama & poetry #dramaturgy #black keys

0 notes

markyishanthonymartinez · 8 years

Text

1/20/17

my name is mark anthony martinez and this is my day.

i vlogged today and i figured it’s kind of pointless to double down on this blog and actual youtube vlogs, so today’s blog will be a bit short considering that.

woke up. there’s a lot of iffiness around me so the first five minutes of being awake usually involves making sure i have a grasp of what iffiness i dreamed and what iffiness actually happened. like last night involved something on a boat. like i was on a cruise and like my bae kinda just decided to be with another guy, the guy was like a carbon copy of me but a lot more caucasian and thinner and less harsh features overall, the whole time and for some reason i didn't confront them until like the final dinner of the cruise and like i just remember getting into a fight and slipping off the boat and then waking up cause it turned into a falling thing where i’m scared cause i’m falling into the water. like what even is that dream. there’s definitely a lot of detail that i can't remember, but yeah i probably won't be going on any cruises soon. at least like the next week or two, ya’know? okay so anyways, confirmed my life is still iffy, but not anywhere near as iffy as if i lost a girl at sea and got into a fight that i obviously lost by falling into the ocean. i actually ate breakfast before getting into my routine of editing and uploading and transferring and whatnot, which is good i guess? (funny thing about the word whatnot, for a long-enough-to-be-memorable amount of time, my myspace name was Mark&Whatnot and people loved it, it was like the markyish before the markyish (let’s be real though, at this point Markyish is my entire brand and i could never shake it if i tried)). But yes i ate and got ready and stuff and then went into that stuff. Finished my complete write-up for “Red, Green, Or Inbetween” by WSTR (pronounced Waster, it took me forever to figure that out). It’s a solid record, but the vocals are so overproduced throughout that it legitimately annoys me at times. i think i’m giving it a 6, it could've been a lot worse, but it could’ve been a lot better. however, being the bands debut full length gives me hope that they can really shine in the future. look out for that review soon i promise. mnj got home and of course i asked him why he was home so soon. he fed my fish, that fish would be dead x10 without him. we ate and watched soccer again. that’s pretty standard. freiburg was playing bayern munich, they took the early lead, but couldn't hold off bayern’s attack and ended up losing 2-1, rip. we watched some youtube again, we don't watch a lot of the same youtubers since i’m super into vloggers and stuff nowadays, but we still both really enjoy watching the sidemen’s gaming videos so we usually watch those together.

then omg okay i listened to potentially one of my favorite records of the year. as it is’ new release “okay.” is immaculate. like wow. they used to be that really annoying pop punk band that was way overproduced and the vocals were too whiney and they made everyone other than fangirls want to kill themselves. like they had one catchy tune, but i really did not like the rest of their music, but leave it to them to progress immensely and put out an amazing record. i’m talking potential 9 club people. it was catchy, it was poppy, it was diverse. they played around with lower tunings they’ve definitely never used. the lyricism was sick sick sick. there was hardly any songs that i was just like oh okay guy likes girl, girl doesn't like him, sad boy now. nah like there’s one about a grandparents death, and one about being a bad sibling, and ones about not being okay and that being okay, and the themes and lyricism are 100000x more than i was expecting from this band and really good for anyone’s standards. this record is legitimately quality, i promise. here’s a link to the youtube playlist. if you can't get past the vocals, darn, but really worth a listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpZL8cbLq4o&list=PLsBWlr67U5NsBbWZyypkhNmXzuJycASJr&index=1

okay loved loved loved that record review coming asap as well, but it’s behind the wstr record in the line so it’ll have to wait a sec. i played fifa with logan and joey. we played pro clubs and are now at the cup final thanks to two penalty shootouts and a rage quit. literally a rollercoaster of a session. but then kyle came to my house and we went to go grab logan and came back and bags was here and hopped in his whip and we wentttttt. to a place to eat. the most un-mark place ever and i feel kinda gross supporting the business but kyle paid and it was a gift card so technically the damage had already been done. the food wasn’t that great. it’s overrated. probably never again. then we wenttttt to midway and played games (i don't think i rly need to hide this part). we spent way too much money. like you don't want to know. i was just trying to win another pokemon to be friends with pikachu but i couldnt get the markyish magic to come through in the ring toss (which is how i originally won the pikachu). I was sad.

at this point i’ll probably just be sad forever.

then omg. (okay i need to stop acting like anyone other than me and potentially erin cranor here and there will ever read any of these). okay mark and potentially erin. WAIT before the omg part, we played hella arcade games. i beat logan in mario kart and bags beat him in boomerang air hockey and logan and kyle played this shooting game for like a yearrrrrr, they kept putting in coins to get more lives but they kept dyingggggg. but then, of course, we found our way to the basketball arcade thingies and leave it to us to become so ridiculously hooked on them and cause a scene. in our defense it was the best deal, it was only 50 cents and like every other game was a dollar plus, f that. i’m trynna ball up and get my money’s worth. okay but i went haaaaam. jk like they obvi didnt know, but i’ve always been sick at arcade basketball, i’m horrendous, disgustingly bad, cancerous even at normal basketball. but arcade basketball i’m literally lights out, it’s all in the wrist. *flicks wrist* “look at the flick of the wrist (the wrist)” but yeah i’m sick, don't ever challenge me. your grandchildren’s grandchildren will be paying off your debts.

SPEAKING OF DEBTS HERES THE OMG PART. we’re walking the parking lot, logan pulls out a 20, slides it to bags, “put it on red” mind you this is already after spending way too much money on midway and arcade games. okay okay but then, apparently squads on the financial up, cause kyle slides in, hands bags another 20 and says to the guy, “put it on black.” OOOOOOOOOOOO WE COOKIN. BUT THEN MARK jk mark didn’t do shit, mark’s a little bitch #realtalk #fuckmarkcausehesstraightedge #eventhoughthathasnothingtodowithgambling we could talk for days about how lame mark is, but we won't. WHY cause logan has bigger balls than um those big balls that you can win in the giant cranes and midway games, those. idk how he fits them in his pants but he manages. anyways logan, hands bags another 20 he says he says he says “put it on black” ooooooooooooooo this dude logan is sooooooo feelin’ himself. Bags hasn't used his gambling ability yet so he has no idea what to do. he literally awkwardly stands at the roulette table, like right by the actual roulette thing. he does this for like 15 minutes until everyone clears out and the lady realizes he’s trying to play and kinda half helps him half thinks he’s an idiot. he then proceeds to play, we kinda chill over to the side cause technically me filming and us even being close is v much against any and all rules. he even gets a lil comfy and orders a drink when asked. legit, five minutes after he starts playing he walks over to us, lookin’ all doofy like he always does and just straight up “i lost all of it. i literally got it wrong every time” we, of course, die laughing. moral of the story is gambling is bad and if you do it you’ll probably be a disgrace to your entire lineage. jk just don't ever let bags gamble for you, instead try gambling against bags.

we drove home singing much too loudly in the car. we made sure to drive by trump tower and play our country’s new national anthem, thank you yg for your beautiful efforts. other tracks played included freaks and geeks by childish gambino, baby blue by action bronson, and of course the wonderful bad and boujee by migos. (lol autocorrect really really really wanted that to be amigos).

my b is bad and bougie.

do fun things. stay beautiful.

- mark anthony martinez

#markyish #diary #dairy #moo

0 notes