#there's still a lot id like to get better at and improve upon but..... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dangerous-advantage · 11 months

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concerning the new changes (07.10.23)

all right fuck it i wasn't gonna do this but then i ended up filling the tags on the post i reblogged.

so here's my thoughts on staff's 'Tumblr's Core Product Strategy" post and the things that i think could actually be good!... if staff respects tumblr's culture in implementing them.

to note, i am referring to this post. for better context, please go read the whole thing and try not to skip details, since i think it's important to understand the post through your own perspective if you want to participate in the conversation.

this post worried me at first, both because changes in the tumblr ecosystem with as much weight as this post carries have, historically, been pretty bad for the userbase.

starting off with a focus on creating a larger user base and inviting more, new creators rather than with a strong plan to focus on improving the current state of tumblr sets off alarm bells.

reading through the rest of it leaves me with... mixed thoughts. while it honestly does seem like they've heard a lot of the things we've been screaming at them about and might actually take steps to make things improve, i'm still wary.

this isn't a post explaining specific changes tumblr plans to implement. in fact, there are relatively few examples of actual strategies being communicated. it's just an overview with a lot of implications for the future.

i mean, not even the new tumblr labs group has any idea what the exact changes are going to be. just look at this:

[ID: A screenshot containing text from a post made by the aforementioned account. It reads, "But we're not sure exactly what that change looks like, so we've assembled a new team, called Tumblr Labs, to figure it out as quickly..." It cuts off here. /End ID]

and i think that's the problem.

so, the post. staff explains that the issue, as they see it, is that the platform is fundamentally flawed-- i.e., because tumblr is difficult to use if you don't have an understanding of the site before, it tends to scare off new users rather than encourage engagement.

this isn't untrue. however, it should be noted, the tumblr userbase has cultivated a culture of teaching newcomers how the website and the website's culture functions. (see: the many posts made as 'guides' in the wake of the twitter and reddit fiascos, as well as @/strange-aeon's video on the topic.)

(not to say that this system isn't imperfect and could be improved by directing new users to the these posts, buuuuuuut i'll get into that later.)

now: i (and i think most of the userbase) agree with staff on the main point-- tumblr, as a platform, is broken. we have long complained about the bugs and the messy reblog chains and the notifications overwhelming you if a post gains traction.

(though, we've also just integrated that into tumblr culture, but that's a tangent for a different time.)

here's the thing: staff does mention these things as problems they want to fix.

here's a short list of some things the post mentions that i honestly agree are a problem, and that a lot of people have wanted to see change!

[ID: Screenshots of items taken from the bulleted lists on staff's post. These read as follows: "Improving Tumblr's search engine optimization (SEO) practices to be in line with industry standards." "Making it easier for users to follow the various conversation paths within a reblog thread." "Build mechanisms to protect creators from being spammed by notifications when they go viral." "Improve performance and stability: deliver crash-free, responsive, and fast-loading apps on Android, iOS, and web.""Improve quality: deliver the highest quality Tumblr experience to our users." /End ID]

again, these are things that i agree are issues and would be cool to see improved upon. but staff doesn't tell us how they plan to do this.

in staff's response to the userbases' assumption that they're going to remove the reverse-chronological dashboard, they state they're 'surprised' users came away with this assumption.

i, for one, am not.

the relationship between tumblr staff and the tumblr collective has been strained for a long time. mounting frustrations about users' actual issues with the website being ignored while new features are implemented that are almost unanimously disliked doesn't help.

and don't forget, the last time a change as drastic as this post is making it seem came into action, the porn ban was implemented. a change that had an overall negative effect on the community and tumblr's culture at large. it tore away crucial aspects of tumblr's identity that we'll probably never get back.

so while this post does address issues users have wanted to see fixed, of course we're still going to be wary.

the bottom line is, users don't trust staff to implement changes that will be beneficial to improving the platform for the tumblr userbase. (the recent reddit and twitter debacles don't help things much, either.)

i think staff needs to realize, as the final poster put it, tumblr already has innate value. value created by the community.

if staff focuses on improving tumblr to be easier to use-- in accordance with elevating tumblr's culture-- it will attract more people, simply by being less broken all the time.

this brings me to the other (main) issue i have: putting new users first over the current userbase.

this may not have been what staff meant to imply, but the emphasis seems to be on improving the userbase for incoming users, rather than those of us who are already here.

to be clear, i don't think that making tumblr easier to navigate for new users is bad. i mean, there's a reason we were writing guides. joining tumblr if you aren't already exposed to it can be daunting.

allowing new users to rely on an actual, working algorithm (although i think a user-driven algorithim is possibly one of the best parts of tumblr) isn't inherently bad. using that algorithim to elevate new creators isn't bad, either.

it's the way they choose to do this that makes us wary. like i mentioned before, we already have somewhat of a system for on-boarding new users to the site: word of mouth from more experienced users. this helps with both learning how to navigate tumblr and introducing new users to tumblr culture.

with all this in mind: where do we go from here?

in my mind, the solution for these problems comes down to communication. if staff wants more trust from the tumblr userbase, they need to show they are willing to listen to feedback from the tumblr collective.

when implementing changes, a great way to avoid the immediate backlash and distrust of tumblr users is by clearly outlining the changes they plan to make and the strategies by which they will be carried out.

another user made the analogy that websites should be like cities, where the users have a say in (as staff puts it) the 'evolution of tumblr.'

(mmmmmaybe we could use that spiffy new poll feature, too? everybody loves polls!)

for on-boarding new users, staff could take inspiration from the userbase in implementing a system by which new users are given the information needed to navigate tumblr. tidy up the site, remove bugs, and make it easier to use, and a lot of problems will sort themselves out.

then, we can go from there.

regarding the rest of the stuff i brushed over, i don't feel i can really say much without knowing what they actually plan to do, or where they plan to go with these things.

for example, here's another list of images of things from the post that i am cautiously intrigued by, but am worried will be improved for the worse:

[ID: Another series of images, showing more of the items listed in staff's post. They read as follows: "Move faster: provide APIs and services to unblock core product initiatives and launch new features coming out of Labs." "Get creators' new content in front of people who are interested in it." "Improve the feedback loop for creators, incentivizing them to continue posting." "Allow engagements on individual replies and reblogs." "Improve our algorithmic ranking capabilities across all feeds." /End ID.]

the bottom line is this: if staff wants the support of the userbase in upcoming changes, they need to show that they respect and value us and the culture at large. in my opinion, staff has made strides in embracing tumblr culture, but we need to know these changes are not just motivated by profit.

if staff intends to keep it's current users, they need to to recognize that we deserve a say in this, too.

without the userbase, tumblr wouldn't exist. end of story. we are what keep tumblr alive. as stated before, expanding the userbase is not a bad thing. but doing so to the detriment of tumblr's culture is.

in this regard, i do truly hope that staff means what they said in the conclusion of their original post:

[ID: An image of the conclusion of staff's post. It reads: "Our mission has always been to empower the world's creators. We are wholly committed to ensuring Tumblr evolves in a way that supports our current users while improving areas that attract new creators, artists, and users. You deserve a digital home that works for you. You deserve the best tools and features to connect with your communities on a platform that priotitizes the easy discoverability of high-quality content. This is an invigorating time for Tumblr, and we--" The words then cut off. /End ID]

so, @staff. if you really do believe this: prove it.

#(btw i would love to hear other peoples thoughts on this as well)#there are a million more things i could get into but this post is already ungodly long #so unless staff somehow listens to user feedback and actually communicates their plans for the future #take this as an overview of my thoughts #tw long post #long post #hellsite #tumblr culture #staff #not fandom #hell site analytics #described

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jennycalendar · 8 months

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i'm not going to be posting this to ao3 until i know what i'm going to do with it, so for now, have it as a special tumblr preview: xander and sonia's first meeting in the 'verse of what you make!

(for those who would like to read this without the larger context, all you need to know is that this takes place post s7, and xander is working for a new iteration of the watchers' council in a slayer-locating capacity.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The girls he met reminded Xander of Buffy in a way that made his chest hurt a little. Though their responses to their calling varied widely, they were always remarkably unremarkable—always concerned with how this would impact their homework, their time with their friends, their bid for Prom Queen—and it always made him think about how Buffy had looked, holding those pom-poms with her chin jutting out. She had been so determined to still be normal, not yet knowing how hard the world would make it to just be.

They were trying to make it better for the girls. They were. But the New Council was still in its baby stages, and the loose framework they’d set up wasn’t always enough to convince the girls that they wanted to join up. Most of their fledgling resources were being devoted to making sure that the little Slayers weren’t going to be walking demon magnets, whether or not they were actually planning to take a stand against said demons. And the worst part was that Xander couldn’t even blame the girls for not wanting this kind of a life. Who would?

Well. Him. But he’d chosen, and they hadn’t. Buffy had wanted to give the girls a choice, and that was what was happening. Two girls of the seven he’d met had chosen, and done so with youthful exuberance that had torn a little at Xander’s heart. More often than not, excited optimism about a calling like this one was a recipe for disaster.

“Are you here for anything?” said the secretary archly.

Xander blinked, shaking his head a little to clear it, before giving the secretary his best winning smile. “Can you, uh, call Sasha Rivera up to the office?” he asked.

The secretary gave him a thoroughly unimpressed look. “No, I cannot, uh, call Sasha Rivera up to the office,” she said. “For one thing, it’s the middle of the day. She’ll be in class. For another—”

“Yeah, see, I’m here on business,” said Xander, flashing his official Council ID in the secretary’s direction. “Our organization wants to recruit Sasha for—”

“What organization?”

“We’re a lot like a Gifted and Talented program.”

“Are you a lot like a Gifted and Talented program, or are you a Gifted and Talented program?”

“Look, I talked to the principal on the phone,” said a bemused Xander. “He said he’d be fine with me sitting down and talking to Sasha about some of the opportunities our organization offers. Is there some kind of a problem?”

Before the secretary could answer, a well-dressed older guy rounded the corner, bustling with cheerful importance. “You must be Alexander Harris!” he said, clapping Xander particularly hard on the back and smiling with unctuous importance. “Welcome, welcome! And thank you ever so much for your charitable donation towards the restoration of our gymnasium! Not that money is tight here, of course it isn’t, but we can always improve upon the existing infrastructure, can’t we?”

“Uh,” said Xander. The secretary was still staring daggers at him for some reason. “Yeah?”

“Splendid,” said the guy, who Xander was now starting to recognize from the briefing packet that Willow had sent them. Principal Tom Sanders. Kind of an asshole, interested primarily in the care and keeping of money, possibly embezzling but nobody had been able to make charges stick just yet. The important thing was getting him to let Xander have a conversation with Sasha, which had been pretty concerningly easy the minute that Xander had made a “charitable donation” to the school. This really wasn’t helping Xander’s feelings about principals in general. “Sophie, why don’t you call Sasha up to the office?”

The secretary’s lips pursed. She stabbed a few buttons on her phone with particular violence, then spoke into the receiver. “Would Sasha Rivera come up to the front office, please?”

“Try to smile a little while you do it, why don’t you?”

“Oh, hey, that’s really not necessary,” said Xander uneasily.

The secretary looked up at Xander and smiled—all teeth, and particularly unpleasant. Xander’s heart flipped over. “Thank you for your charitable donation to Silverfish Middle School!” she said, making charitable donation sound like extremely contagious butt rash. “Sasha will be with you posthaste. Will anyone be looking into making sure she has access to the lesson plan for the time she misses in class?” she added towards the principal.

“Why don’t you ask me that when you’re not on the clock?” said the principal pointedly. “There’s gotta be a separation, Sophie. As my secretary, your job is to make sure Mr. Harris here is able to meet with Sasha Rivera, and frankly, it’s hard for me to see why you wouldn’t be over the moon about her having an opportunity like this.”

“An opportunity a lot like a Gifted and Talented program?” said the secretary.

“Sophie,” said the principal.

Clearly there was something going on here that Xander was missing. He was just about to ask some kind of clarifying question when a girl stepped into the office—tall, gangly, dark hair in two big poofs. “Is everything okay?” asked Sasha Rivera, holding herself in a way that was somewhere between anxiety and defensiveness.

“Sasha, you’ve got a visitor!” said the principal brightly. “This is Mr. Harris of—what was it?”

“The New Council,” said Xander.

“The New Council!” said the principal, clapping Xander on the back again. Xander lurched forward and almost rammed into the wall. “He’s here to talk to you about an amazing academic opportunity that he believes you’re perfect for.”

For some reason, Sasha’s eyes flitted to the secretary. “An academic opportunity,” she said, drawing out the words. “That I’m perfect for. Me.”

The secretary pinched the bridge of her nose.

“…Do you mind if we use your office?” Xander asked the principal.

“Oh, no, go ahead!” said the principal jovially. “Anything at all for such a generous—”

“Great!” said Xander. “Thanks. Sasha, could you come with me for a second?”

“Okay, you know what, I am at my limit,” said the secretary, standing up at her desk with fire in her eyes. “Tom, my name is Sonia, not Sophie, and this is not the way you run a school. Do any of us have any idea who this man is or what his program is espousing? Just because he hands you a big, fat check, you’re willing to let him come in off the street and spend some time behind a locked door with my sister? How is that remotely safe in any way?”

The principal’s smile went all plastic. “Sophie,” he said, “I think you and I can have this discussion later, and not now, especially not in front of—”

“Oh,” said Xander, who had somehow, finally, put two and two together. “No, uh, Sonia, if you want to sit in on this, you definitely can. I didn’t know you guys were sisters!” That did not sound like a thing a Professional Scholarship-Giving Man would say. He tried again. “I mean, look, I can’t really get into the academic stuff until this guy isn’t here—”

“This guy?” said the principal, a little testily.

“Whose office, time, and patience I am very grateful for,” Xander added hastily. “Obviously. I just mean that this is something I want to run by Sasha first, and if Sonia is concerned, as a family member, I can completely accommodate—”

“Now, hold on,” said the principal. “Sophie’s on the clock. I’m perfectly fine if you’d like a meeting with just Sasha, but someone needs to man the phones—”

“Well, if someone needs to man the phones, couldn’t you do it?” said Xander before his brain caught up to his mouth.

Sasha snorted. Sonia pressed her lips together, but her eyes were sparkling with mirth. “Mr. Harris,” said the principal. “I think you should remember that I am allowing you a meeting with one of my students when she should be in class, not suggestions as to how I should run my office.”

“Got it,” said Xander, holding his hands up. “Sonia—”

“Sophie is not a part of this conversation.”

“No, she’s not,” said Xander, not missing a beat. “I was talking to Sonia.”

“You’re a regular little wise-cracker, aren’t you?” said the principal, still with that plastic smile. “Listen, Mr. Harris, that donation of yours doesn’t go far enough to cover my secretary’s salary. If you want to talk to Soph—Sonia outside of school hours, you can, but—”

Ignoring the principal, Xander leaned over the desk, warmed by the fact that Sonia was no longer looking at him with outright antipathy. “I’m obviously not gonna get into the details in front of Principal Moneybags here,” he informed her, his heart doing a funny little twirl when her mouth twitched, “but I would like to talk to you. Both of you. I don’t want to exclude you; you’re involved in this as much as Sasha is. Most of the time, we come to the school, we talk to the girls before we talk to the family, because the girls are the ones who need this information the most. But if you’re receptive to listening, this is definitely a conversation that it would be okay for you to be there for.”

“Mr. Harris,” said the principal testily, no longer sounding quite so friendly.

Sonia looked up at him—gorgeous eyes, Xander thought, as dark as the night sky—and said, simply, “Okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They met at a café a few blocks away from the school, Sasha cheerfully guzzling down a hot chocolate while Sonia delicately sipped black coffee. “I hope I didn’t jeopardize your job there,” Xander started uncertainly, eyes on Sonia even though they probably should have been on Sasha.

“No, it’s fine,” said Sonia tiredly. “I’ve been thinking about quitting for a while now. He keeps calling me Sophie and asking me to handle all the Black History Month stuff because I’d know more about it than him.”

“Which is racist,” Sasha chimed in. “He’s a stupid old racist.”

“Definitely do not say anything uncomplimentary about your teachers within their earshot,” said Sonia, fixing Sasha with the same terrifying Older Sister Look that Buffy had perfected. She looked back towards Xander with a lopsided smile, took another sip of her coffee, and added, “But yes. He is a stupid old racist.”

“…Uh,” said Xander. Usually, the talks with the girls were pretty straightforward. He did tend to fuck something up in the process, because he wasn’t always good at tapping into his inner Confident Xander, but this was the first time that talking to one of the baby Slayers also involved talking to someone this intimidating. And pretty. Intimidatingly pretty. That described this situation very well. “So. Look. I have something I need to talk to Sasha about.”

“Really,” said Sonia.

“Soso, don’t be mean,” said Sasha reprovingly, setting her own hot chocolate down. “Mr. Harris—”

“Xander,” Xander corrected.

“Really?” said Sonia.

“Again,” said Sasha. “Don’t be mean.” She turned expectantly to Xander. “Xander. What kind of academic thing am I up for?”

Now came the hard part. “Not an academic thing at all, actually,” said Xander carefully. “More like…” He hesitated. “Sasha, have you been experiencing anything unusual in your day-to-day life as of late?”

Sonia stiffened. Sasha’s gaze went down to the table. “So, what is this, some kind of X-Files investigation?” said Sonia, defenses up all over again. “You’re zeroing in on my sister with your perfect suit and your effortless charm and you’re going to cart her off to a government institution to do experiments on her?”

“Okay, first of all, if you want to cover up the weird happenings, you might not want to accuse me of being an undercover government operative,” said Xander, not sure whether he should be amused or concerned. “Second of all, if I was a government operative, I’d be the worst government operative ever, because I did just invite you guys out for coffee. And third—” Something caught his attention. “Effortless charm?”

Sotto voce, Sasha said, “My sister likes dorks.”

“Stop that,” said Sonia to Sasha.

“Do you not like dorks?” Sasha gestured to Xander. “Is he not totally your type?”

Xander decided to change the subject. Effortlessly. “HA HA HA ANYWAY,” he said, hoping to God that he wasn’t blushing. “UNUSUAL OCCURRENCES?”

“Why do you wanna know?” asked Sasha. It wasn’t as defensive as Sonia, but there was something of a warning to the question.

Relieved by a topic of conversation that wasn’t whatever the hell had just happened, Xander transitioned back into the usual Slayer spiel. “There’s a lot of stuff I’m gonna tell you right now,” he said. “Pretty much all of it is going to be hard to believe. When I’m done, I am going to show you categorical proof that my word is good. If you don’t want proof, or if you think I’m a total nut-job, that’s fine, but you need to understand that burying your head in the sand is going to put you in more danger than you’re already in right now.”

“Danger?” Sasha repeated skeptically.

“Danger,” Xander confirmed. “So listen up.”

#fic #never mind the years of wasted time #xander x sonia #why not????#anyway xander as a grown-up is more adorably james bond than he realizes #he has not yet clocked that he's actually a pretty cool dude at this point #sonia has tho.#SOMEDAY this will be a full length fic. but it isn't rn. so.

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bitchoftruth · 16 days

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i finished meguri manga yesterday, and overall despite going strong until the end, i dont feel like it was a significant enough improvement upon sotsu in the actual ending, and in many ways it was worse. I still prefer it overall to sotsu.

here are a bit more detailed thoughts copied from discord , i dont feel strongly enough about this story to rewrite them better

i finished meguri [19:45] while it definitely adressed a lot of my criticisms of sotsu , and is overall better… it kind of confirmed to me that this is just a flawed premise for a story. or at the very least, neither version is partuclarly good at resolving the conflicts it introduces [19:45] the set up to the end is very good, i like how all the characters are involved in ways that make sense for them. but then it sort of……..ends [19:47] the climax of the story is essentially satoshi walking in, and while rika and satoko talk, i really didnt feel like what they said in the end meant much. rika even notes that satoko is barely making sense lol. the satoko rika phyiscal fight in sotsu, at least communicated their conflict better, and actually served as a climax (edited) [19:49] and on the meta end of things, eua just fucks off? satoko doesnt even know for sure whether she will keep looping or not. im not sure HOW that would get resolved, but is that really the best? why not make satoko confront eua in any version of the story? esp when this version hsa her even more directly being the villain

earwen — Yesterday at 19:53 i think in the end, another end version of the story, even if it isnt a complete story, is what makes most sense among the options we do have. its more of a lambdabern story than a satoko & rika story, i guess. but "we will keep looping together endlessly bc we are weird and fucked up" just feels better than the non resolutions the others have [19:54] but going back to the question asked here when the final ep of sotsu aired….id still rather none of this shit was part of the franchise , and i still consider saikoroshi the canon end.

#gousotsu liveblog #i forgot what my tag was sorry

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acethatlovesdinos · 6 months

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Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

#body dysmorphia #body positive #self love #self care #vent post

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chelzone · 9 months

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Assorted Thoughts (08/26/23)

got a bunch of random thoughts bouncing throughout my head lately that i feel like spillin in one post rather than multiple ones so ummmmmmmmmm

ive been acting a lot more responsible with my time lately, especially when sticking to my working schedules for projects. recently, ive been making a good effort to change my drawing plans about to make sure i start recording video stuff at a reasonable time instead of too late in the night / having to scrap said video plans cus its too late

having a webcomic has been a godsend lately for two art-focused reasons. on certain days i might feel too tired to do a full-scale drawing, so working on my webcomic acts as a good way to get something done that is still part of a big project but is absolutely not stressful nor super time-consuming at all to draw. second reason i appreciate working on it is that on nights when i DO wanna do more work at night, the webcomic is a great choice for said work!!

ive been playing Terraria lately and jesus christ this game is so much fucking fun, no matter how many years its been since i last played it (may 2020?). like,, for starters, my partner zajac has been playing it too lately so it has a sort of communal feeling as we play it at similar times these days. second its like,, the whole progression thruout the game's arcs / acts / ''''story'''' is so fucking fulfilling and fun and the grinding aspect is somehow relaxing as hell. i wish Minecraft had this feeling for me, cus i fucking hate going thru its survival mode honestly

i feel like im doing well since i started doing art digitally (2013) in terms of improving upon it AND experimenting regularly. lately ive been having fun messing with lighting a lot, doing it in a form of blocks in harsh alternating chunks. you can see it especially in the pieces i have uploaded of my characters Brady Bray and Celeste Mateus. sure, it's not '''realistic''' or '''clean''' but thats never EVER been a goal with my cartoony art.

making new characters AND writing down stories for them to debut in textually lately has been so fucking fun like oh my GOD!!! i can feel myself getting better and better at both, and using the new characters and stories to build upon the already established lore, factions, and older characters' lives has been great and feels correct as hell. also having fun dabbling with more characters of different real and fictional species alike!!!

i know it's been some time since my last music release (Jan 2023) or game release (Nov 2022) but like,, i need to realize that that is 100% OKAY!! things take time, and it's entirely reasonable that as the scope of my projects grow, so will the time to development them. its not a race, and id rather put in the longer time to make something shine than rush to get it out to stay relevant. one day at a time!! regardless, the current plans still are for my next game release to be the kinky text-adventure Hallowed Discharge and the music release to be the soundtrack for the semi-romantic wizard-focused visual novel Enchanted Bliss (which said game is slated for release after the former mentioned here).

i think thats all i can muster for thoughts rn, my head is about to asplode if i write anything else rn oops

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wangxianficrecs · 3 years

Photo

Fic Finder

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1. Hi, I'm looking for an Untamed fic, maybe you'll be able to help. It's a canon divergence AU in which WWX doesn't lose his core, Jiang Fengmian lives and it's implied that his core was transferred to JC (heavily implied; JFM retires as the Sect Leader after that). This is absolutely not the most important part of this fic but it's a paragraph that I've got stuck in my head and now I'm searching for the rest @_@ Thanks in advance! ~ @otemporaetmores

FOUND! by @notsobabblespace, who was reminded of I’m aching and I know you are too by edenwolfie (part 3 in series, M, 23k, wangxian)

FOUND! by @jim-is-spocks-thyla, who suggests ❤️ to arrive late is better than not to arrive at all by Moominmammashandbag (M, 35k, wangxian) [ETA: Oops, not this one. JFM has no core, but he didn’t give it to JC]

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2. Hi Mojo! I’m in need of you/your followers help in finding a fic that I read a little while ago. It was a fic where Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi lived together in Cloud Recesses and their children were Sizhui and an OOC that was younger than him. I remember SiZhui faced a lot of criticism for not being the chief cultivator’s real child? And they were happy he had a younger sibling that would be sect leader in the future because he was blood. Come to think of it, this is probably an ABO fic too. Thanks for your time 💜

FOUND! @andidontmeanto believes this is Blue Blood by PotterheadAvengerDemigod (T, 91k, wangxian, my post)

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3. Aksks it's like 3 am but I just remembered a fic and I can't find it?? I'd really, really appreciate your help. It was a wangxian fic, maybe a oneshot idk, and lwj was kind of a nerd and wwx a badboy? So basically lwj has a massive crush on him and dresses up like wwx etc. (i think he even got an undercut) and after a party they sleep with each other at lwj's place?

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4. i’m looking for a fic set in the where lwj’s mother killed his father? i don’t think that was a main plot point but it did show up in his backstory - any idea what this might be? ~ @thehype

FOUND! @rentslirott thinks this could be ❤️the best of you by sysrae (E, 42k, wangxian, my post)

FOUND! @castaways-logbook offers The Right to Care by travelingneuritis (E, 39k, wangxian, WIP)

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5. ... same as #6 ...

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6. Hello friend, sorry for the inconvenience but I wanted to see if you could please find me a fic that I lost but I only remember more or less the final part, it goes more or less like this, lan zhan and wei ying are kidnapped by jin guangyao and lock them up if not I'm wrong in some cells next to lan xichen after the fights jin guangyao dies but lan xichen did know how bad jin guangyao had done and he didn't care and then to get revenge he wants to kill wei ying but lan zhan kills him and sizhui gets scared It was more or less like that, please help me ~ @isa0123lol

FOUND! by @wangxiansfics who says that tragically it’s no longer available, but @dulachodladh found it on WaybackMachine here: Thread and Needle by haysel (M, 86k, wangxian)

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7. Hi, Mojo! I'm glad that you're back but I hope you enjoyed your time off tumblr! Can you and/or your followers help me find a fic? I think the summary was talking about wwx and somehow they were asking mingjue for help since he's the only one who can help. The summary was in italics and it's a dialogue from some guy? And a shorter summary below. Sadly this is the only thing I can remember but I hope you can still help me

FOUND! @alwayswenning suggests love, in fire and blood by cicer (E, 360k, wangxian, has it’s own fanfic here, I just finished this last night!, my bookmark)

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8. Sorry to bombard you as soon as you're back, but this one's driving me crazy--a modern AU where they met online. WWX thinks LWJ is an old man from how he talks. I don't remember much except the excerpt made it seem like he still was amused by/enjoyed talking to him, and Wen Qing was telling him it was a bad idea and to stop. It's not How to Fall In Love With a Catfish, tho that one is brilliant! (Also any top notch identity porn would be great) Hope your break was restful, you deserve it! Thanks

Here’s my #identity porn tag, but I’m not sure about this exact story.

I'm the anon for #8 on the fic finder. Though I'm excited to read it, the suggested fic isn't the one I was looking for. I swear I thought I saw it on here around a month ago or slightly more, but searches have failed me.

FOUND! Rating: General Audiences by Mishaa (T, 18k, wangxian WIP) - mysterious author LWJ (speculated to be an old man because of his formality) and infamous artist WWX paired up for an Untamed Big Bang (in an AU where JGY was the series’ antiheroic protagonist; this fic was written before the release of CQL.)

FOUND? could you be looking for Something Real by Latios (G, 5k, wangxian, my post) - wwx thinks lwj is an old man, but there’s no WQ. There are many pictures of bunnies.

SIMILAR! @emilysidhe thought of ID Bro Saga by Bowandtie (T, 39k, wangxian)

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9. Hey, how are you? Could you help me please? I've read 3 fanfics once, but I can't find them anymore. 1 - Nanny Problem, Wei is going to be the babysitter of A-Yuan, he is an omega and Lan is an alpha. 2 - Doctor Perfect, Yibo is an omega nurse and Xiao is an alpha doctor. 3 - The Baby of my Omega, Yibo is omega and Xiao is alpha, both of them are bodyguards, but Yibo has to protect Xiao in the beginning. I think they were at ao3, but I really can't find them. Can you help me please? Thank you!! ~ @weallmad

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10. Hi! Im happy you’re back. I hope you had a good break. I missed your recommendations, but at the same time i got a break from fics and actually studied to my tests haha. [Ah! I’m glad to hear your time was spent productively!] I’m looking for a fic like Linger in the Sun by etymologyplayground. In the fic im looking for wangxian slowly lose their senses instead of all of them at once. Like they lose their hearing, then touch, sight etc, They can’t see each other or hear each other. I’m sorry i can’t explain very well.

FOUND? Could you be thinking of ❤️shadows in the sun rise by Yuu_chi (E, 25k, wangxian)? Only lwj losese his senses one by one in this one, though.

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11. heyyy im trying to find this fic where wwx died the first time he was thrown in to the burial mounds then 10 years later he gets resurrected or something. I can't find it on AO3 and it's been bugging me for days. Thank you!

FOUND! Well, @moku-youbi offers both of these as possibilities:

Did I Not Explain Why the Sunset Turns Red? by 3988Akasha (E, 100k, wangxian)

we're starting at the end by Miss_Enthusiasimal (M, 95k, wangxian)

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12. Hi I am looking for a fic where wwx is a witch (/mage?) in a world where magic is being persecuted (especially in Gusu) except for Yunmeng/Lanling I think but they're still frowned upon nonetheless. Then after accidentally hurting Shijie, wwx runs away, and ends up hiding in Gusu pretending to be a servant to lwj (lwj is a prince, lxc is the emperor) but lwj actually knows of his identity and tries not-so-discreetly to protect him from being caught. Thanks!

FOUND! by @bibliobasilisk who gives us Witchfinder by misbehavingvigilante (E, 86k, wangxian)

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13. Hi! Firstly, I'm glad to see you're back, and I hope your break was a good one! I'm trying to find a LWJ/WWX story that I had planned to read and ending up losing before I could. It was set in the immediate aftermath of the 33 lashes, LWJ is in the Jingshi recovering when a healer(?) discovers he's pregnant (by WWX). It may have been a/b/o verse, but I'm not 100% on that. Part of the story was a flashback to when WWX was still alive. Thank you!

FOUND! by nonny themself. It’s Unexpected Surprise by Glucose_Gremlin (E, 4k, wangxian)

SIMILAR! @mondelgel suggests my heart is kept as pure as ice in a jade vase/一片冰心在玉壶 by Daledesu (M, 21k, wangxian, WIP)

SIMILAR! from @impending-cuttlefish: something new, something white, something blue by ariskamalt (E, 140k, wangxian, WIP)

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14. I'm trying to find this one fic where Jin Ling finds this diary that Wei Ying wrote as the Yiling Patriarch that basically reveals everything, including the golden core reveal and it even has training tips that helps Jon Ling improve. When Wei Ying comes back, he tries everything to keep him there because he is THE best uncle now. I need to find it because it is a N E E D.

FOUND? by @theladypeartree who says, “The Truth (Untold) is jl reading jyl's journals, not wwx's though. And mordant is jl returning wwx's journals that he found, not grew up with. Neither fit #14 properly, but I seriously could not find anything closer after two solid days of searching. Good luck!“

The Truth (Untold) by anxiouswreck0_0 (g, 3k, wangxian, jin ling & wei wuxian)

or this one on ffn:

mordant by tennisnotensai (M, 18k, wangxian, here’s the link for mobile)

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15. I have heard tell of a Sizhui/Jingyi fic where the boys end up going to Wangxian for advice about how to be intimate. Can you help me find it?

FOUND! @manaika-chan says this one is On Advisement by LaMachina17 (M, 19k, wangxian, zhuiling, chengyi)

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16. nm

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17. Hi! Sorry, do you happen to know that nsfw fic where wwx is still studying in the cloud recesses and he’s reading a novel (im not sure if it was from nhs) that features a cultivator couple and there’s a scene in the book where the woman was pegging her husband? Basically wwx got curious about this and tried fingering himself. I remember he was hiding in the back mountains and then lwj eventually caught him

FOUND? Could you be thinking of Deep in the Woods by malkinmalkout (E, 5k, wangxian, my post)?

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18. Ahhh I'm going crazy trying to think of a fic that I've read where Lan Zhan killed Wen Chao in a locker room and nie huaisang stood guard outside the door! Then lan zhan went to lan huan and said I killed someone and he said did they deserve it? Then it's fine. And I can't remember the name of the fic! Have you heard of it? ~ @uchihaautumn

FOUND! @artemisisdiana offers So Full Of Love (Wouldn't Know Where to Start) by witchupbitch (M, 54k, wangxian, WIP)

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19. Hi, I was wondering if you could help me find a fic. I read it a while ago and I don't really remember all the details but it was a modern au where Lan Wangji was a police officer in this small town and Wei Wuxian comes back after years, having left the town due to some stuff. Thank you in advance.

Btw love your blog. I live for your fic recs. [Thank you!]

FOUND? Could you be looking for medium blues by dark_and_terrible (E,193k, wangxian)? It appears to be taken down atm, but it might come back (it’s done it before).

FOUND! by @grannyweatherwaxshat who offers When a Bird Flies, It Leaves Feathers by Bem_Kofi (not rated, 75k, wangxian)

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20. Hi mojo!! First of all I luv your blog Thank you so much for all those ficrecs. [You’re welcome!] Actually I’m looking for a fic I read months ago. I probably found the fic from your blog. But I can’t seem to find it now 😢 it was a modern au wangxian fic (inspired by call me by ur name?) wwx was like 5 years older than lwj. (And lwj was like 16?) Wwx lives in another city but he spent around a year in cloud recesses with lwj in the past. And wwx yanli and jc visits cloud recesses again and wangxian gets 2gether

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[My ko-fi.]

#wangxian fic finder #wangxian #mdzs fic finder #wangxian fic rec

146 notes · View notes

mianavs · 3 years

Text

Ameliorate

Your life was always a dark abyss until Matsukawa came in and made everything better

Matsukawa x f!reader

a/n: hands down the most difficult piece I’ve worked on but it’s finally done. not sure how i feel about it but i hope you all enjoy it anyway! kind of a slow burn fyi

tw: smut, oral (f!reader receiving), heavy angst, mentions of death/grieving

wc: 5.8k

It was a call you didn’t want to take. You were at work going over some accounts when the screen of your cell came to life and angrily vibrated on your desk. Sighing, you reached over to swipe on the red phone icon but the caller id caught your eye leaving you stunned.

[Mother]

You almost missed the call, lost in the negative emotions that the title unburied from the dark recesses of your mind. On impulse, you answered last minute and took a deep breath before you spoke to your mother for the first time since you left home four years ago. In the second it took for your mother to speak, you held out for an apology but instead received the news that your father had passed away the night before.

You exchanged few words with your mother, who was as frigid as ever, but nonetheless agreed to return home for the funeral. After informing your supervisor and taking off the rest of the week, you collected your things to leave only to be bombarded by your coworkers offering their condolences. You accepted their sincerity but felt nothing except for a queer emptiness.

Upon reaching the ground floor of the building, the elevator doors opened and a familiar voice caught your attention. You looked up to face your ex-fiancé speaking animatedly on the phone—until he saw you and his smile faltered.

It had been a mutual decision. After two years of dating, he’d wanted marriage and you—well, you weren’t sure what you wanted but marriage sure wasn’t it. The last you’d heard he had gotten married to some girl from HR and he looked happy. You plastered a smile on your face and greeted him with a nod before heading out.

At least one of you was happy.

On the train to Miyagi, memories of your parents occupied your thoughts. Your relationship them had always been strained. As the only child of a prestigious university professor and a retired news anchor turned housewife, they expected a lot from you academically and socially. Throughout your childhood, you struggled under the immense pressure they placed and you , more often than not, disappointed them.

It seemed that no matter how hard you tried to be their perfect daughter, you always fell short and got reproached accordingly. Your above average grades were never good enough. Your clumsiness and constant slouch made you unladylike, and your awkward mumbled speech was shameful. No matter what you did, the scrutiny never stopped and your imperfections only worsened over time. Your grades fell, you avoided going out with your parents to social events, and you spoke very little to your parents.

A quiet girl with no self-esteem, you started high school at Aoba Josai and everything changed when you met Matsukawa Issei. He approached you first during homeroom on your first day of school and never stopped talking to you from then on. He was patient and kind with you but also pushed you to get out of you shell. Before you knew it, he became your best friend and the two of you spent all of your free time together.

Issei’s friendship raised you up in many forms. Your grades increased after all those study sessions with him and Hanamaki. You stopped looking down at your shoes and found that the sky was much nicer to look at. You laughed, yelled, cried, and talked to Issei about anything and everything.

The change had been so sudden that even your parents noticed and treated you better. They stopped criticizing your every movement and that did wonders to your confidence. While the relationship between you and your parents slightly improved, your relationship with Issei bloomed like the cherry blossoms that fell on the day he confessed to you. For the first time in your life, you were truly happy until everything shattered when your parents found out about you and Issei.

You were reckless with the lies you told your parents to sneak out and see Issei. Your mind was clouded with thoughts of your boyfriend that you hadn’t noticed your parents had been awake when you snuck out at night. That night your parents caught you outside on a park bench with Issei’s head on your lap. As a result, you were confined to your room for a week with your mother becoming your personal jailer and after getting a taste of love and freedom—you refused to go back to being that insecure girl.

You rebelled against your parents. You got into screaming matches with your mother and argued with your father. The worst part of it all was the guilt that you felt after you’d yell at your mother or insulted your father. In that moment, you’d see the hurt in their eyes and the hesitation before they sent you to your room. You hated those looks because it proved that they too had feelings and you were capable of hurting them just like they’d hurt you.

Until you graduated, you lived like a ghost in your own home avoiding your parents as much as you could. You filled the emptiness you felt with Issei, who became your whole world. You went to all of his volleyball matches, he picked you up after work, and you spent most of your time at his house and with his family. The two of you planned a future together during your first year at college in Yokohama until the news of your mother falling ill sent you back home.

“Now arriving at Tokyo station”

The announcement interrupted your musings and you pulled out your phone to distract yourself from the bustle of people exiting the train. You scrolled through your social media page until a rare post from an old friend caught your attention. Oikawa had uploaded a photo of a historic site in Argentina and you found yourself searching for Issei’s name among the thousands of likes and comments. While Issei’s name hadn’t popped up, Hanamaki’s did and you clicked on his profile thoughtlessly. It didn’t take much digging on your behalf to find what you were looking for.

Only a couple of posts down was a photo of Hanamaki and Issei from a year ago at a restaurant you would recognize anywhere—after all, you’d worked there for two years. You couldn’t help but admire how good they looked. You memorized every detail of Issei’s face before a thought crossed your mind and your finger hovered over the screen.

A tap on the photo revealed Issei’s account and you hesitated to wonder if stalking your ex-boyfriend’s social media was the right move before you tapped on his username anyway and his profile opened up. It was on private to your dismay but his account picture showed you more than enough. It was one of Issei with one arm swung over a pretty woman’s shoulder. Shutting off your phone, you tried to convince yourself that you didn’t care but the tightness in your chest proved otherwise.

Gazing out the window at the rural towns the train passed reminded you of your father and his love for the countryside. You hated to admit it but, after living in the city for three years, you came to share the same sentiments as your father.

After returning home following the news of your mother’s illness, your father moved the family to rural Miyagi believing the fresh country air would do her good. Moving back with your parents wasn’t as difficult as you’d feared after leaving everything behind. Your mother still nagged you over everything but not as cruelly and would occasionally compliment your cooking when you fed her.

It was the relationship with your father, however, that changed the most which was why his deception hurt you the most. Your father was the one that helped you transfer to the university he taught at. The two of you always left for school together and conversations about school eventually filled the quiet void during those hour-long train rides to Sendai. Your conversations became personal at night over tea or sake and, in those moments, you felt as if you could forgive your parents and develop a relationship with them.

You should have been more suspicious about your mother’s condition. Whenever you asked your father about it, you’d attributed his wavering gaze to concern over your mother. The improved relationship between you and your parents distracted you from the unchanging condition of your mother despite constant medication and hospital visits. It never crossed your mind that the sickness had only been a ploy to guilt you into coming back to Miyagi so your parents could resume molding their matured daughter into what they wanted.

You found out by chance while listening in to a conversation amongst them but that was all it took to turn your newfound affection for your parents into resentment. For the entirety of the confrontation, you bit back tears when their reactions confirmed everything had been made up. After packing up your things and disowning your parents, you left home vowing never to come back.

“Now arriving at Sendai station”

The long drive to your childhood home did nothing to prepare you for the meeting with your mother. She looked tired and beat down; a sharp contrast to the strong woman she used to be.

“You look awful,” She chided, eyeing you with her sharp gaze. “You’re thin and sickly.”

“So are you.” Your retort was immediate and thoughtless but it shut your mother up. After a moment of deafening silence, she offered to help you with your bag but you declined.

“Come downstairs after you unpack. Dinner is almost ready.” With that, your mother left to the kitchen.

You were surprised to find your room in the same state it had been when you left for college. Palming through your old notebooks, opening your drawers to sift through old clothes, and collapsing on your bed to bury your nose in the sheets made you miss the simpler days of high school.

In the end, you were too distracted by your room to unpack but made sure to wash up before heading down to dinner—a habit your mother instilled in you and returned after only being in the house for twenty minutes. You also took your usual spot across your mother while the chair that your father had once sat in stood bare at the head of the table. The empty spot was disconcerting but your eyes remained fixed on the chair while your mind worked to restore the image of your father on it. Your trancelike state stopped when your mother cleared her throat.

“The wake will be tomorrow morning so ready by nine.”

“Do I need to do anything?”

“A small speech is expected of you.” She stated and left no room for argument. “There will also be familiar faces so behave accordingly.”

The meaning behind your mother’s warning dawned on you when the two of you entered the funeral home and were greeted by the one familiar face you didn’t expect to see—Issei.

If he was surprised to see you, he didn’t show it and was all business when he addressed your mother. Your shock only increased when your mother didn’t go off on Issei and instead treated him like an actual human.

When his sharp gaze shifted to your form, the air around you seemed to thicken and breathing became impossible. Standing in front of Issei took you back in time to those days when Issei would wait for you in the mornings to walk to school. You could have lost yourself in his eyes but the purpose of your return tore your eyes away and you bowed in greeting, not trusting your voice. He bowed as well and offered his condolences before turning to your mother and discussing the schedule and other details as they walked into the building with you in tow.

The discomfort you felt during the service increased tenfold with the arrival of the guests. Former colleagues of your father, friends of your mother, and neighbors crowded the small funeral home and they all had their eyes on you. The condolences, hugs, and pats left you suffocated and desensitized. Before long, their words fused together into a clangor that left you disoriented. You thought you were going to pass out until a former professor of yours asked a question that destroyed whatever remained of your composure.

“…so when did they find out the tumor was malignant?”

Tumor?

Malignant?

Your overwhelmed brain pieced together the information until you understood what had caused your father’s death—cancer. In that moment, everything ceased to exist and there was only you and your thoughts. Your blood ran cold and all of your limbs went numb. While your mouth hung open, not a syllable fell from your lips. As opposed to your frozen body, your mind raced and a whirlwind of emotions wreaked havoc on your being. When you came to terms with the fact that you hadn’t known your father’s cause of death, a strangled cry escaped your mouth and you darted out of the room.

The urge to leave and never return overcame all logic but, before you could make it out the door, a pair of large warm hands clasped your shoulders, gently stopping you dead in your tracks. The faint smell of cologne and musk hit you and you knew it was Issei before you looked up.

Warmth radiated from every part of his body and all you wanted was to bury yourself into him and hide from the world. His eyes widened slightly before he looked around and guided you away into a small room away from the guests. There was a sofa that he led you too and sat down next to you. Suddenly, Issei’s hands were on your cheeks wiping away tears you didn’t know where there.

“God…I’m a fucking mess.” You cursed and buried your face into your hands.

“Funerals are…difficult,” Issei offered. “Trust me, I work here.”

“I didn’t know,” you muttered raising your head. “I didn’t even know how my father died. I never asked my mother and she never told me. She just told me he died and I took a train here without thinking.”

“Everyone processes death differently, Y/N.”

“Fuck, Issei—I’m his only daughter for crying out loud!” Your voice broke as a fresh set of tears threatened to spill. “We’ve never had a stable relationship…but still, what kind of a daughter doesn’t know the cause of death of her own father? I just feel like I’m suffocating and I-I…”

Sobs tore out of your chest inhibiting you from speaking and Issei didn’t hesitate to envelop you in his strong arms that rocked you while he whispered calming reassurances in your ear.

“Shhh…it’s okay.”

“Everything will be fine.”

“This will pass.”

Your cries eventually ceased but neither of you let go. It felt easy to cling onto Issei while he held you just as tightly. The return of your wits, however, brought you back to reality and you let him go knowing it wasn’t right to cling onto anyone’s boyfriend—even if he’d been your friend before he’d been your boyfriend.

“Thank you, Issei. I should really head back now.”

Issei’s grip loosened slowly until he faced you with his thick brows knitted with concern. You smiled hoping it was convincing enough to reassure him before the two of you stood up and left the room. Near the entrance of the hall stood your mother angrily pacing back and forth until she saw you and Issei and opened her mouth to speak but stopped. You decided to speak first before she misunderstood the situation.

“I needed some space to calm down and Issei helped me find a place.”

Her piercing eyes took you in and lingered on your eyes; they were no doubt red and puffy from crying. The anger seemed to dissipate and her shoulder’s relaxed before she finally addressed you.

“It’s time for your speech. Are you ready?”

Coming from the woman that never asked you anything, her question caught you off guard but stirred something in you. You answered by nodding and followed your mother into the packed hall and up to the front where your father lied in his coffin. You stood to the side while your mother addressed the guests and you looked at your father for the first time in years.

The sight should have made you feel anything but the relief that washed over you. He looked at peace and it reminded you of the rare glimpses you’d caught of him talking with his students, fishing in the small pond of your country home, or drinking sake at night. It was with those memories that you replaced your mother and spoke to the guests.

You were composed for the entire speech despite your distraught state only minutes prior. It felt like a blanket of serenity had wrapped itself over your shoulders and shielded you from any remaining guilt. In the end, you wished your father well not because you forgave him but because you wanted to close that chapter in your book.

The rest of the ceremony was easier to stomach without the turmoil in your head. After the last guest left, you and your mother spoke to Issei and his boss about last minute details for the funeral the next day. Your mother offered a brisk thanks before heading out first and Issei’s boss followed, leaving you and your ex alone. The desire to ask him for his contact info was immense, but your better judgement won and you offered him a quick thanks before following your mother.

Very little words were exchanged with your mother that night and you headed up to bed completely drained from the day’s events. You’d just finished hanging up your mourning clothes when your mother knocked on the door and waited until you let her in—something she never did.

Still in her mourning gown, she held out a letter addressed to you from your father and seeing her up close, you noticed the wet cheeks and puffy red skin around her eyes. In all the years you lived with your mother, you had never seen her cry. Crying out hysterically? Yes. Witnessing actual tears or the evidence of tears on her face, however, not even once. Which was why you stood stunned as your mother placed the letter in your hand before leaving you to your privacy.

You tore open the sealed envelope and opened the letter to see that it was dated one year ago.

{Daughter,

If you are reading this, it is because I am no longer on this earth. As the disease weakens my body, I know that I will never see you again and write this to convey everything that I could not in life. I am well-aware that I lost the right to your forgiveness and I do not wish to receive it. Nothing will ever justify my actions towards you. I failed you as a father and caused you to grow up in a miserable home. I held you to expectations that not even I could achieve and I will regret the pain and suffering I caused you until my last breath.

I remember the day your mother brought you into this world. When I saw your frail little body and held you in my arms for the first time, I was struck with an immeasurable amount of fear. I was terrified of being a father and didn’t want you to suffer the way I did. I wanted to prepare you for the world in the way my parents never did for me. However, in the end, my own selfish desires to re-live my life through you tainted whatever intentions I’d had. I will never forgive myself for the irreparable damage I caused you therefore I ask that you do the same.

I wish to end this message by expressing how proud I am of the strong woman you’ve become. Everything you’ve accomplished is derived of your own merits and in spite of the suffering I caused you. Your mother and I are happy to hear of your successes and wish you happiness in your married life. I know you will live a long and happy life because you are not like me. You’re a fighter. You know what you want and take it without regrets.

With this, I hope that you will continue to grow and forget me as I am undeserving of living in your thoughts.}

What began as tears trailing down your cheeks, ended up as wails mourning your father. The proud man that you knew him to be in life came undone in that short letter and every word pierced your heart. In a manner reminiscent of the past, you disobeyed his requests and genuinely forgave your father while engraving each of his words into your heart.

The urge to see your mother led you to tuck away the letter and open the door only to find her already there. Muffling her sobs with her hands, her whole body shook as she gazed up at you. The fragility of her state stirred your compassion and your arms wrapped around her. Collapsing onto the ground, the two of you clung to each other and truly mourned the death of your father.

You woke up enveloped in motherly warmth like you were an infant again. Her eyes that once scrutinized your every move, were softer now as she talked about your father’s last days over breakfast. The hand that had disciplined you in the past now held yours during the Buddhist priest’s chant at the funeral. The circumstances were wretched but you finally felt at peace with your parents.

The funeral and cremation passed with you and your mother holding each other up. As the two of you jointly picked up the bone fragments with chopsticks and placed them in the urn, you came to terms with the fact that the relationship with your mother would never go back to what it was. A sense of filial duty stirred within you for the first time in a while only it wasn’t out of guilt—this time, you genuinely wanted to take care of your mother.

You found yourself outside of the crematorium waiting for your mother to settle things when Issei walked up to you. He’d been at the funeral ceremony, of course, but the crematorium wasn’t a part of his duties so you were surprised to see him. He still wore his black slacks and matching button down but his tie was nowhere to be seen and he’d undone the top two buttons of his shirt.

He began by inquiring about the cremation to make sure everything had gone well. You assured him everything went well before an awkward silence pervaded the space between. Desperate to fill the void with anything, you asked Issei a question only to find him simultaneously asking you one.

“Talked to Hana—”

“How long are yo—”

Your face flushed and Issei rubbed the back of his head as the two of you apologized for interrupting each other.

“You go first,” Issei gently insisted.

“I was going to ask if you’d talked to Hanamaki lately. I saw that you two went out…” The implication of your words caused you to clamp your mouth shut while your face burned even more.

“You saw…us?” Issei sounded amused and you looked up to find that same smirk from six years ago that produced butterflies in your stomach.

“Er…yeah,” you admitted. “I kinda found Hanamaki’s social media and happened a picture of you two.”

“Oh, that picture. That was the last time I saw him since he lives in Tokyo now. We still text though.”

“So Tokyo, huh? Good for Hanamaki.”

“What about you?” Issei asked, his eyes more intense than before. “Your mother mentioned you live in the city.”

“Uh yeah,” You said fidgeting with the material of your kimono. “I live in Yokohama. Got a job offer after graduation and I’ve been there ever since.”

“…Are you going back now?”

Issei avoided your eyes by looking away—an old habit you instantly recognized. Like the old days, you moved in the direction of his face and stood on your tippy toes with a cheeky grin on your face. Surprise flashed on his eyes before his mouth broke into a fond smile.

“I’m staying for a couple more days.” You replied and the next word flowed out naturally like water in a stream. “Why?”

“I wanted to catch up with you.” He admitted before his expression sobered. “Only if you’re up for it though. I don’t want you to feel like—”

“I’d love to catch up!”

And with that, the two of you exchanged contact information before your mother approached you. As you watched Issei walk away, you mother piped up next to you.

“He’s a good man. I regret not seeing it before.” It wasn’t exactly an apology but the effect was the same to you.

“And I regret letting him go,” you lamented.

“You still have a chance.” She replied and you met her gaze.

“I don’t. He has a girlfriend.”

“Then why did I overhear his boss trying to set him up on a date with his niece?” Your mother countered and then started to walk towards the newly arrived taxi.

“Wait, what?!”

Heeding your mother’s advice, you dressed up for your meeting with Issei. He picked you up and the first thing you noticed was the similar colored clothing the two of you wore. Laughing it off, you got into his car and made small talk about the changes in town while on route to the restaurant.

The conversation gave you the perfect excuse to admire him at ease. Issei had always been handsome but you had to admit that he’d really grown into his looks. Any lingering teenage awkwardness was gone and replaced by an air of confidence that he exuded in his speech, mannerisms, and voice. From his defined jaw to the protruding veins on his exposed forearm, you memorized each detail and replaced the memory you had of college freshman Issei with it.

Issei took you to the same restaurant you spent most of your evenings in during high school waiting tables and chatting with the volleyball team after closing time. Unlike the rest of the town, the tables, chairs, and décor remained the same and you were overcome with emotion the moment you walked in. After chatting with the owner for a bit, Issei led you to the table the boys would always take after practice to wait until you got off work.

“I can’t believe this place remained the same after all these years.” You commented after placing your orders.

“I know,” Issei replied grinning. “I can’t imagine this town without it.”

“Just sitting here brings back so many memories of us…” you trailed off when you noticed Issei’s unwavering gaze on you.

“Ah! And the boys too!” You added letting out a nervous giggle before taking a sip of your beer to cool your heated head. “How are they, by the way? I’ve seen Oikawa’s posts of Argentina but what about Iwaizumi?”

The conversation about the whereabouts of the volleyball team lasted until the food arrived. You asked about his family in between bites and Issei answered each of your questions about his siblings and parents.

After finishing your meal and ordering a second round of drinks the conversation switched over to work with Issei eager to find out what you did.

“Financing! Can you believe it?” You laughed. “Specifically, in the mortgage department.”

“Seriously?” Issei chuckled. “Whatever happened to being a novelist?”

“Life happened.” You answered and raised your glass in a mock toast.

“Ah, trust me. I completely understand.” He clinked his glass against yours and the two of you laughed before taking a sip.

After finishing your second beer, the warmth in your cheeks and your animated speech were all clear signs you were buzzed. It wasn’t until you asked the question on your mind since you’d seen that picture that you realized just how buzzed you actually were.

“So…are you seeing anyone?” Your eyes were lowered, but when Issei didn’t respond you looked up.

Issei’s eyes were darker than they’d been. The intensity of his gaze locked your eyes on his leaving you vulnerable. You were suddenly keenly aware how intensely your heart was beating and wondered if Issei could hear it.

“Why do you ask?”

His strained voice sent chills down your spine making you painfully aware of the building tension in your core. You knew what you wanted and you suspected he wanted the same thing but you needed to confirm your suspicions.

“I saw your social media account and the picture you used. The one where you’re hugging a woman…smiling…”

The more words that spilled out, the more pathetic you sounded and you eventually trailed off while averting your eyes.

“We broke up about a year ago.”

“What?!” The word slipped through your lips when your eyes snapped back to see him sheepishly running a hand through his wavy black locks.

“We wanted different things. I felt like I was holding her back so I let her go.”

“I completely understand,” echoing his words, your hand reached across the table to his. “My engagement got cancelled for similar reasons. He wanted marriage sooner than later and I wasn’t ready.”

The two of you shared a moment when, out of the blue, Issei took ahold of your hand and used his thumb to run slow circles on your palm; a gesture he’d always used to signal he wanted to be alone with you. Your breath hitched and a lazy smirk graced his face as he lifted your wrist and pressed a kiss on your pulse point.

“I-Issei,” you gasped and darted your eyes around the room to ensure no one had seen.

“Let’s get out of here. Come to my place.”

His voice was like honey to your ears and you nodded as the tension that’d been building spread to other parts of your body. With that the bill was settled and Issei drove you to his place while keeping a hand on your inner thigh that would occasionally drift and tease your clit.

By the time the two of you made it inside his home, Issei’s tongue had tasted every part of your mouth while his lips left yours swollen. Flushed and whimpering, Issei planted wet butterfly kisses down your jaw until he reached that spot on your neck that elicited a moan from your parted lips.

Issei groaned before sucking on that spot and you to pulled him closer by tugging on his hair—a move you knew drove him crazy.

“Fuck,” his warm breath fanned on your neck. “Fuck—not here.”

He picked you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist. You pulled his lips into another wet kiss that had him groaning into your mouth as his erection pressed against your soaked panties. He set you down on his bed and broke the kiss that left the two of you panting.

His hungry gaze traveled all over your body. Your dress was hiked up and he could make out the darkened material of your panties—the proof of your arousal. With a groan his stripped out of his shirt letting you take in his broad chest that you ached to touch. Grinning from your cute reaction he pressed a kiss to your forehead before snaking his arm behind your waist and laying you down on this middle of his bed. You reached for his clothed erection but Issei gripped your hand and placed it over your head.

“Not yet, pretty girl. Let me spoil you today.”

Issei’s skilled hands worked on your dress and slipped it off you followed by your bra and panties. His eyes raked over your body taking in the flushed skin, erect nipples, and trembling legs.

“Beautiful,” he murmured and leaned over to lick and suck on your sensitive peaks. Each flick against a nipple had you gasping. Each bite had you arching your back. The longer he teased, the more desperate your need to be touched and filled became until you took his hand and placed it between your legs.

“T-touch, me Issei, p-please...”

“That’s my needy girl,” he cooed and pressed one last kiss to your chest before settling between your legs and admiring the way your dribbling cunt clenched around nothing. “Such a pretty cunt.”

He flattened his tongue on your throbbing clit sending shocks of pleasure up your body. Issei’s mouth that alternated between sucking and biting down on your clit had you in tears from the immense pleasure and you lost count of how many times you came on his face. When his tongue delved into your aching cunt, you rutted against his face to push his tongue in deeper.

“Nghhh—Isseiiiii! Need y’now, please!”

Issei’s head rose from between you legs and just sight of his face covered in your arousal had your cunt pulsing again.

“What was that baby?” He teased and licked the translucent substance off his lips. His hands began to work on his pants and your eyes greedily took in his tented underwear. “Is this what you want, pretty girl?”

“Y-yes! Need it!”

It’d been so long since you’d been with a guy let alone one of Issei’s size. In fact, you were certain Issei was the biggest you’d ever had. That being said, the sight of his erect cock had you whimpering from both apprehension and desire.

Issei, always so attentive, noticed your reaction and settled himself on top before pressing a sweet kiss on your lips and assuring you he’d be gentle. You nodded before wrapping your arms around his neck while he rubbed his cock between your folds and against your clit in the way he’d always done before filling you.

Once your slick coated his cock, he lined himself at your entrance and slowly sheathed himself into you. The stretch was still painful even with the prep but as soon as he was halfway in, your walls relaxed and pain turned into pleasure. After bottoming out, Issei waited for your cunt to relax around him before he started moving.

With each thrust, Issei hit that spot near your cervix that built up your release time and time again. Every time your walls fluttered and your cum coated his cock, your nails raked over his back and Issei’s groans filled your ears until he too found his release. The two of you were insatiable and continued your lovemaking until the early hours of the morning.

In the end, you stayed the night and woke up mid-day with your head against Issei’s chest and his arms wrapped around you. Listening to his steady heartbeat and feeling the rise and fall of his chest convinced you of the thought you’d mulled over since your father’s funeral.

You wouldn’t return to Yokohama.

268 notes · View notes

mandoalorian · 4 years

Note

If you’re taking requests RN can you hit me with them fighting about something big and they think reader is gonna break up with them but then the reader is like uhm no it was a fight but I still love you and then they get all soft afterwards with Maxwell, Frankie or Javi? You choose I love them all equally (BTw if not that’s okay obvi)

follow up: “ (I meant Javier Peña from my last ask 🥰) “

Thank you so much for this request!! I’ve had a pretty lousy day but writing this for you was really the highlight so I hope you enjoy! I was going to write for Maxwell because he’s my number one favourite, but I thought I’d challenge myself with Javier since I haven’t wrote for him yet.

Lie To Me [Javier Peña x Reader]

READ PART TWO HERE

READ PART THREE HERE

Word count: 3.3k

Warnings: mention of drug trafficking and general Narcos topics, blood/a little gore but not too much, angst anGST ANGSTTTT!!!

MASTERLIST | SUBMIT REQUESTS

"I just can't believe you'd be so reckless!" you exclaimed, dampening the wash cloth and carefully dabbing it into your boyfriend's arm. Javier stayed silent, although it was hard not to hiss and curse in pain as you washed away the blood seeping from the deep cut in his bicep. "It's not like you at all Javi. I don't understand."

Your boyfriend had a history of being impulsive, yes, but ever since you became 'official' and started living together, he had changed. It was like this new experience had grounded him. Javier wasn't offering you any information about the incident which, truthfully, infuriated you. The cut was deep but everytime you brought up the hospital, he'd grumpily tell you he was fine. That he's had worse. After just a simple look over his wound, you knew he needed stitches. This was serious, and you knew he never really liked to discuss his work with you, but this was different. His whole demeanor had changed.

And this wasn't about work, really. Javier was closing himself off, shutting himself out from you. Once upon a time he'd make a habit out of this. He found that it was just easier to bottle away his emotions and not talk about them. But that was no good for either of you; not healthy at all. Javier knew this. He was trying to change for the better— improve himself, all for you. That's how he got in the entanglement in the first place. You didn't know this, but he was trying to protect you.

Javier was so sure his disguise worked. He wasn't a spy, he didn't often go undercover. He had very little experience; but he was so close to catching this kingpin, he just went with it. Lucky for Javier, he was blessed with the charisma of a criminal and could charm his way out of most situations if it became necessary. Unfortunately for him, the cartel was already one step ahead, playing along with his little charade.

"Javier Peña, DEA." the kingpin grunted, reaching into the pocket of Javier's leather jacket and snatching Javier’s ID. "You really thought you could fool us?" the kingpin chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. Javi's jaw ticked when he saw that his abrupt action had caused his wallet to drop on the floor. The kingpin picked it up and clicked it open. Luckily, Javier had nothing of value in there. Maybe ten dollars and a condom. At least, that's what he thought.

He watched the kingpin's face soften under the dimmed amber light as he adjusted Javier's wallet, tilting it in his hands. His eyes narrowed and a smirk wormed its way across his lips. Javi knotted his eyebrows together in bewilderment.

"Quite the pretty lady you scored here, Agent Peña," the kingpin snaked, gesturing for his lieutenants to come on over and take a look. The one on the left took a drag of his cigarette and wolf whistled when he caught an eye on the picture. "Nice tits too." The kingpin shrugged his shoulders, lighting a cigarette for himself. "Would be a shame if something were to happen to her."

His threat set fire to his heart and his job felt like it had just gotten a whole more personal. He had been working for the DEA for over a decade now; he knew how dangerous cartels and drug lords could be. He would not and could not ever let anything happen to you. He swore his life depended on it. But now he was standing before the Capo and his men, and in typical Javier Peña fashion, his first instinct was to fight.

He went to throw a punch at the kingpin, but one of the lieutenants grabbed Javier's wrist mid-air whilst the other one flicked open a pen knife, dragging the blade through Javier's bicep and ripping open the sleeve of his cream coloured shirt.

Javier groaned at the stinging sensation and his crimson red blood began to stain through the material. The kingpin laughed again, before tutting and shaking his head. "So, you have a soft spot for her? I expected better from you Agent Peña. Last I heard, your reputation wasn't one for commitments. But myself? I'm a family man too. I love my wife. Our kids. So here's the deal. I'll let you go, but you tell the DEA your so-called undercover mission was a bust. You go home, into the arms of your woman, and speak nothing of this. This stays between you, me, and my men. Do you understand?"

Javier was never one to follow rules— especially not ones made by cartel leaders, but he was outnumbered and he knew the Capo had an upper hand. Javier nodded, pressing his hand on the cut and applying somewhat pressure to stop him from bleeding out. "Can't go to hospital either," the kingpin told you with a roll of his eyes. "If that wasn't already obvious. No one can find out about what went on here. Agent Peña, I have thousands of falcons all over Columbia. They can find out where you and your pretty lady live. And I promise, it won't be pretty."

Javier gulped, not wanting to imagine and nodded his head. There was no need for anymore fuss. The kingpin popped Javier's wallet and ID back into his jacket pocket and pat him on the shoulder. "Agent Peña, I hope I never have to see you again." the kingpin narrowed his eyes before gesturing his lieutenants to open the door and let Javier out. Javi scoffed, but stayed silent. The situation could've gotten a lot worse. He walked outside to his truck, guided by the sicarios of course, and made his way home.

When Javier stumbled into your shared apartment, colour drained out of his skin and blood seeping through his fingers where he was holding his bicep. Your heart sank. His hair was stuck up in places from his cold sweat and he leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. "Baby," he grumbled. "Could you- could you help me with this?"

"Javier what happened?" you gasped, a knot forming in your throat. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes when you took in the state of him. Sure, Javier had scars, and you didn't mind— but this was the first time you had ever seen him so injured. "I- I thought it was an office day." you exclaimed, holding him gently by his shoulders and guiding him into the bathroom.

"Was," Javier gritted out. "But you know how unpredictable work can be. We got a lead. So- I was sent out. But uh-, everything is fine now. I sorted everything out and erm-, you know." Javier gasped when you ripped open his shirt and pulled it off his torso, dropping it to the tiled bathroom floor.

"Jump." you ordered him, pointing at the sink. Javier obeyed and hopped onto the corner of the counter nearby the sink. He watched as you wet a washcloth under warm running water and padded it gently over his cut. As the faucet was still on, Javier leaned over and rinsed his blood stained hands from where he had been applying pressure on the open wound. "Javi, this cut— it's so deep. I think you need stitches." you said with worry, carefully analysing the depth of his injury.

"No." Javier spat immediately, the aggression and urgency in his voice making you jump slightly. He saw your reaction and placed a hand on your cheek, cupping it and taking a good look at you. You were his angel. He had done the right thing, and he wouldn't screw up now. He couldn't lose you. "No," he repeated, this time with conscious effort to sound less stern. "I'm a big boy, okay? Please just bandage me up."

Your eyes flicked from the cut to Javier, and you hesitated for a few moments. "Okay," you agreed quietly. You knew Javier well enough to know that there was no point in arguing with him. All of this sounded highly suspicious but you knew that you had to trust him. You kneeled down to the cabinet under the sink and took out the green first aid kit. Unbuckling it, you located some bandages, tape, and a tourniquet. "Shit Javi, it's still bleeding." you sighed, pressing the now ruined wash cloth back into his cut.

He choked up at the sudden pressure you applied. "It's okay," he reassured, running his free hand through his short dark hair. "Once I'm bandaged up, I'll be fine."

"Javier, who did this to you?" you frowned, carefully removing the washcloth and unravelling the tourniquet. "Who hurt you?"

Javier stayed silent. He wanted to tell you. He didn't want to have to lie to you, or keep secrets, but he was too caught up in the moment— he didn't want to risk your safety. His paranoia settled in. What if the kingpin's sicarios had followed him home? What if they were listening in? Javier's fists clenched around the cabinet he was sitting on, knuckles turning white. Between his injury, and the thought of losing you— he knew which hurt more.

"Are you just going to ignore me?" you puffed out, folding your arms across your chest in annoyance and looking at him in the eyes. Javi looked down at his feet, not saying a word. "So that's a yes?" you questioned further. Still no response. You shook your head and finished bandaging up his injury. Javier hopped off the counter and followed you into your shared bedroom where you opened your closet.

You threw him a clean shirt and he mumbled a 'thank you' before pulling his arms into it, careful not to disrupt his now bandaged bicep. You rummaged deep into the back of your wardrobe and pulled out a duffel bag, unzipping it and throwing piles of clothes into it. T-shirts, jeans, socks and underwear. Javier watched you, bewilderment written all over his face.

"Baby, what are you doing?" he asked eventually, standing with one hand on his hip and watching you intently.

You didn't respond. If he wanted to ignore you, fine. But two could play at that game. You zipped up the duffel bag and hung it on your shoulder, grabbing your car keys from your bedside table. As you left the bedroom and walked to your front door, Javier raced after you. "Hey- where are you going?" he demanded, panic coursing through his veins.

You couldn't leave. What if the sicarios were outside— watching for you. Waiting for you. Javier grabbed your arm and for a second you felt the slightest touch of empathy when your gaze met his anxious blown eyes. You quickly washed away that feeling. If Javier wasn't willing to be honest in your relationship, you weren't willing to stick around.

"I just-" Javier took a deep breath. "Figured, um- please. Please stay with me," Javier begged, dropping his hand to your hand and intertwining your fingers. "I'm sorry. Can we just forget what happened? We can go to bed, order take-out, watch a corny movie? I need your comfort." Javier compromised.

The idea did sound appealing but you wanted to know what had happened. It drove you insane. You sighed and shook your head. "No Javier," your gaze was cold and empty. "You're a big boy, right? Comfort yourself." And with that, you left the apartment, slamming the door behind you.

Javier raced to the window and watched as your truck pulled out of the driveway. He looked up and down the street for any suspicious cars that might be stalking you or following you, but thankfully, there was nothing. Nevertheless, he cursed himself for letting you get away. That was the last thing he wanted. He kept the information from what happened with the cartel a secret from you because he didn't want to fill you with worry.

Luckily, Javier knew that there were only a handful of places you could go in Colombia. You weren't too familiar with Bogota and so he ran with the first place that came to his head. Connie and Steve's. He raced to the phone that hung on the kitchen wall and dialled their home number.

"Hey, Con? Is Steve there?" Javier asked in panic. He didn't really want to talk to Connie about this because there was a very good chance she'd take your side over his. And, rightfully so. There had been plenty of times Steve had kept work business away from Connie in fear of hurting or worrying her. But she always found out in the end.

"He's with Olivia," Connie replied. "Javier, what's going on?"

"Uh," Javier ran a hand through his hair in stress. "Listen. I think y/n is on her way over. We had a fight. She's not talking to me. Everything is a mess. But, I'm on my way too. She took the truck so I'll have to walk but- I'm coming, okay? So just, keep her there. Keep her safe."

Connie scrunched her nose up at Javier's words. "Safe?" she repeated before lowering her voice. "Javi… what did you do?" she asked sternly.

"I'll explain everything when I get there." Javier promised and slammed the phone back down on the hook. Not even bothering to grab his jacket, he raced out of his apartment and ran to Connie and Steve's.

Of course you were first to arrive. Javier can read you like an open book. He knew you'd be going to see Connie. You let yourself into their apartment and flopped down on the sofa. Connie, who had of course been expecting you, entered the living room to greet you with a cup of hot tea. You didn't even know she was already brewing a coffee for Javier and Steve in the kitchen. You took a sip of the herbal drink and smiled appreciatevly.

"So, what brings you here this evening?" Connie asked, raising an eyebrow with inquiry.

You sighed, nursing the mug in your cold hands. "Javier." you mumbled, as if that one word was enough of an explanation. Connie nodded her head understandably when Steve stumbled in.

"I put Olivia to bed," he announced before his eye caught on you. "Oh hey y/n."

You offered Steve another smile.

"Javier's being a dick again," Connie rolled her eyes and Steve shook his head.

"No," you replied. That felt unfair. "He's just being distant. Shutting me out."

"Well that's Javi for ya," Steve shrugged, sitting on the arm of the sofa and taking a box of cigarettes out of his pocket.

"No but— we had gotten better," you explained. "I mean. We talked a lot. He'd finally started opening up."

Before you could say anymore, the front door to Steve and Connie's door burst open. Javier stood at the doorframe, heaving and panting like he had just ran a marathon. Steve looked confused, but Connie just smiled, knowing that he had sprinted over just to try and fix things with you. You didn't know how to feel. Javier's chocolate brown eyes were sparkling with unspent tears and his heart blossomed when he saw that you were safe. That no hard harm had come to you.

He approached you and fell to his knees. You placed your mug on the coffee table and let your boyfriend take both of your hands. His thumb rubbed soothing circles into your wrist. Once again, Javier was speechless— just wanting this moment to last forever. Wanting you to be safe and healthy in your arms.

Connie nudged Steve who cleared his throat. "Uh, we'll give you two some privacy." he said before dragging Connie out of the living room and into the kitchen.

The second it was just you two, Javier dropped his head and his heart broke. "I'm so sorry," he sobbed, warm tears falling down his cheeks. You shuffled off the sofa and fell to your knees, facing him, and pulled him into a hug.

"Don't cry," you hushed. "Javier… I just wish you could be honest with me."

"When you left earlier, shit, I thought I had lost you for good. I thought you were never coming back." he admitted, his voice croaking as the ache in his heart intensified. Your face softened at his revelation. "I know it might not seem like it, but everything I do, I do it because I love you."

You ran your fingers through his hair and planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. "I worry about you Javi," you whispered. "And seeing you so injured today, it really scared me. You weren't telling me anything. Do you understand how that might make me feel?"

"I do," Javi promised, squeezing your hands tight. "When I said the DEA sent me out on a mission… that wasn't exactly true. I found a lead myself. And I didn't tell anyone. I went out to pursue the lead and got in an entanglement with the Capo himself. He saw the photo of you that I keep in my wallet and he threatened to hurt you. He said if I told anyone about my findings at the cartel, he'd get his sicarios to hunt you down and… listen, my love. They do bad things to pretty girls like you. And I couldn't risk it. I was so afraid."

Javier felt ashamed. Ashamed for lying to you, and also, he didn't want you to see him as weak. But you could never think such a thing of your boyfriend. He was the strongest man you knew. So brave and compassionate. And after this revelation, you saw a whole new side to him.

Your finger gently brushed over his bicep. "The capo did this to you?" you whispered, feeling your cheeks burning with rage at how a drug lord had gaslit Javier into staying silent by making threats over your safety.

"No, but one of his men," Javier explained. "When, when they mentioned you. I got so mad. I raised my fist and-"

"Oh Javi," you whispered, wiping the tears that filled your eyes. You pressed your forehead against his. "You could've just told me."

"I wish I had now." Javier admitted. "I really thought you were going to break up with me."

You pulled away from your boyfriend, but your hands were still resting on his shoulders. You looked deep into his dark eyes and found nothing but guilt and remorse plastered over his face. "No," you shook your head and offered him a small smile that immediately eased him. "We had a fight, but I still love you."

Javier smiled back, the corners of his eyes crinkling in delight. "I love you too." he grinned. "Come on, let's go home." he said, taking your hand and pulling you to your feet.

"Okay," you hummed. "Cuddling up in bed with take-out and a corny movie sounds great right about now." you reflected back on Javier's previous compromise and Javier let out a hearty chuckle, pulling your hand up and brushing his lips delicately over your knuckles.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." he professed, his eyes sparkling. "So please baby, there's going to be times I fuck up- but please don't leave me."

"Whatever the future has in store for us, we will get through it together." you assured him with a soft kiss on his lips.

Permanent taglist:

@goth-topic @supernaturalgirl @phoenixhalliwell @ah-callie @luvzoria

#javier peña #javi peña #narcos #javier pena x reader #javi pena x reader #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #request

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jwillgoose · 3 years

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The record is finished... what now?

We finished our fourth album last week, so I thought it might be interesting (spoiler alert: it probably isn’t) to do a quick post about what happens once a record is ‘finished’ these days, and why it can seem to take so long between an album being completed and actually being released.

Before I stumbled upon a career in making music, my attitude would’ve been similar to that of many fans, I imagine - why not just put the record out as soon as possible? It’s done, you spent (presumably) ages on it, surely you just want people to hear it and shower you with praise and damning reviews? After all, that’s what Radiohead and Beyoncé seem to do, and they don’t mind if the vinyl follows several months later.

Well, Radiohead are Radiohead and Beyoncé is Beyoncé, and both of those artists (and only a handful more) releasing records is Big News in and of itself. Smaller bands and artists need to use their new record as something to build around, to try and fight desperately for attention in a very competitive industry, to route tours around, even simply to remind people that you still exist (often, admittedly, to their distress). Otherwise it’s all too easy to put something out only to see it burn out very quickly, for it to fall to the bottom of people’s ‘recently played’ streaming algorithms and swiftly fall out of the public consciousness pretty much altogether.

That's why it’s better for 99% of bands and artists to wait until everything is ready and to try to go for one big, focused ‘bang’ (often still a whimper, admittedly), rather than trying to hit the front page of Pitchfork with a near-instantaneous release. And the main thing we’re all waiting for these days, especially with its continued resurgence and importance to artists, labels and fans, is vinyl.

Vinyl lead times pre-pandemic were already a bit ridiculously long because a large number of the pressing plants from back in the day went under or severely reduced their capacity, so we’ve been left with a relative handful of potential suppliers and an awful lot of demand from all corners of the music industry. I think The Race For Space (released Feb 2015) was mastered at the end of October 2014, so made it out there in just over 3-and-a-bit months, and that was with two test pressings after the first failed. By the time Every Valley rolled around (released July 2017) we were already at four-months-and-counting, and don’t even get me started on the White Star Liner EP (tail end of 2018, and the vinyl was late because of test pressing issues).

Anyway, you get the picture, and that’s all pre-COVID, which obviously has done precious little to improve any aspect of the economy, besides enhancing Jeff Bezos’ already undignified / obscene wealth. We were initially quoted 7 months for this album but have managed to get it down a bit from there - still, you’ll no doubt have noticed a lot of delayed releases recently and I am taking nothing for granted, on any level, with this record.

We might seem like a modestly successful band but we are also still very much a small team of people. The sheer amount of work it is to get everything ready, besides ‘just’ the music itself, necessitates a bit of a delay between completion and release. Even now, the artwork, liner notes, credits, administrative aspects (PPL IDs and so on) are queueing up for attention; that’s to say nothing of band photos, press releases, updated bios, pitches for various media features (often with ridiculously long lead times of their own), music videos, remixes, instrumentals... in short, a lot.

Then for a band like us there’s the whole tricky chicanery of designing, building, programming and rehearsing a quite fiendishly complicated live set, all while navigating the risks and uncertainties of doing so during what we hope is the tail-end of a pandemic. It normally takes me about 2-3 months to get an album ready to play live, and that’s just the music side of it - then I need to edit videos to run concurrently, give various assets to Mr B so that he can have more to play with than just an on-rails video, then all get together in a room to see what works (hint: not much) and what needs more work (hint: nearly everything). Mr B also needs a lot of time - justly so - to put together his fiendish set creations as well as creating a lot of original video output himself. Popping up on the radio to do a quick session somewhat belies the amount of work it takes to get new material ready for that stage (should it arrive - we certainly don’t assume it will).

But the main thing, still, is to try to garner as much attention, wake as many people as possible up to the fact that yes, you still exist and yes, you’re still flogging the dead horse that is your band and creative output in a perhaps vain attempt to try to prolong an unlikely career and yes, you can order the Amazing New Record soon in at least 5 different colours to ensure its safe arrival in your homes at the very second of its official release. Hello! We’re still here! Hello! We have a new record! Er.. anyone?

Anyway, that’s just a few items from the very long list of things preoccupying me and the other denizens of PSB Towers between now and release. Hopefully everything will run smoothly, the record will come out when we say it will come out and we can even entertain modest hopes of another reasonably-well-charting album. On that note, a brief aside - chart positions are still incredibly important, if only within the record industry itself. A high chart position makes a lot of people sit up and take notice - bookers, agents, festival promoters and so on - which is another reason why it’s important for those of us who aren’t in Mr Yorke’s merry gang to try to get everything out all at once (in its right place, if you will) rather than staggering digital / vinyl release dates.

Hopefully you found this mildly diverting. It’s mostly served as a nudge in the ribs for me to remind me how much I still need to get on with, so without further ado, off I will go, and on with I will get.

Yours pre-releasedly,

J. Willgoose, Esq.

(PS I’d like to make it clear I love Radiohead, and none of this is even a mild dig at them. They are one of the most wonderful musical outfits ever, and they also have the rare privilege of being able to do what they want, when they want to, which really must be lovely.)

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luna-tormenta · 3 years

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(heyo luna, this is todayinmagicalhistory!!) 2, 8, 9, 14, 15 for the spirit/deity/astral asks!!

2. How did you know you were experiencing a calling towards a particular deity?

I'm going to answer this with my most recent calling towards Hekate! I first noticed Hekate and felt a "tug" towards her when I was researching Lilith. It is said that a "face" or a separate aspect of Lilith, is Hekate. It was weird because as soon as I read that, my candles popped and fickered. I didn't think much of it at the time because I assumed it was one of my Spirit Family members trying to get my attention.

Next, this was a couple days after Christmas, I was looking online at Barnes & Noble and came across Keeping Her Keys: An Introduction to Hekate's Modern Witchcraft by Cyndi Brannen. I saw some excellent reviews of this book on here and thought "hmm might as well try it". Upon receiving the book, I felt a huge pull to read it before the other 6 books I purchased. Within the first few pages, Cyndi sets up "Cycles" for you to read the lessons in a timeframe of 1 year. These cycles are just guidelines, and take place on the New Moon of each month.

Literally, I received this book 3 days before the New Moon, which gave me the right amount of time to prepare my Keeper Notebook and begin Cycle #1! Upon reading Lessons 1 & 2, I felt as if something just clicked and felt like I had known Hekate for YEARS. She is the Guardian of Children (Kourotrophos) and Mother of All (Pammetor), and I thought these epithets of Hers sound a lot like who I am as a mother and friend.

I actually made first contact with Her last night, and She made me feel so warm, welcomed, and loved. She called me "My Child" and "Dear", and told me She has been there "since the beginning of your life". I am glad to have officially talked with Her, and am excited to see what experiences come from working with Her. 🖤🖤

8. What do you consider your spirit work ‘area of expertise’?

Great question! Honestly, I believe there is so much work I need to learn about spirits and spirit work still! I already have a huge knowledge of them, but the list of learning is never ending! 🖤

My area of expertise would definitely be using divination, specifically pendulum, to communicate with spirits!💀

9. A type of spirit you think is unappreciated and deserves more attention by spirit workers?

I know I've said this before and I will say it until the end of time!

Demons. Demons! DEMONS!!!

They are very stereotyped due to Christianity and Catholicism, and they're just the most beautiful, unique little spirits. It's said they are "evil" and "bad" and "possessive" and what have you. But, any species of spirit can be that way!! All spirits have their malevolent type, not just demons!

And UNSEELIE AND DARKER ALIGNED FAE!!! They are not bad and mean, they love and understand truly the meaning of Life & Death! I wish they weren't stereotyped as well.

14. What’s a misconception about the spirit work community that you wished could be cleared?

Hmm, I haven't really given this much thought before! So, Id have to say the misconception that spirits will and can do anything for you!

Just like us, spirits draw lines. They cannot do everything you ask of them. If they refuse to do something, leave it at that! They aren't your "genie in a bottle", they have their own lives and limited acccess of energies and powers.

15. How do you think the spirit work community could improve/what do you think the spirit work community could do better?

I think we all need to work closely together as a community more, and not be jumping down one another's throats.

There's already a lot of misinformation crawling around, not just on here, but in books, articles, etc about spirit work. I believe if we came together as a whole we would have so much more information and experiences out there for beginners and all witches alike to use as resources.

I also believe we could be better at communicating about different opinions/practices, rather than making someone feel awful for the way they view spirit work/practice spirit work. We all are different, we learn differently. Just because someone's practice is different than yours, doesn't make it less valuable. 🖤

Thank you dearest one for sending these in💀🌙🌻

#my spirit family #my posts #my deities #lúthiena's adventures #luna tormenta #asking lúthiena #spirit work ask game #spirit work #spirit community #spirit communication #my spirit companions #spirit companions #motherly hekate #my companions #lúthiena speaks

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sloppyjoekinz · 4 years

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y'know what? i think it'd be fun to list my pros and cons about webkinz next so far, for anyonr whos on the fence or hasn't played yet.

pros:

ngl, the pets kinda grow on you after a bit. or at least the orange tabby did for me! i dont like all of the pets but some of them look okay enough or cute!

decorating your house is shaping up to be pretty fun! you can place items anywhere you want, which isn't always possible with classic.

some of the themes from classic carryover, like the modern theme for example! not all classic themes have been added yet, but there's a few!

the little wave your pet makes is cute! so are some of its other animations like the face palm

you get medallions for playing well at games! im not sure if trophies are still awarded yet since i haven't played far enough past bronze medallions to check.

neutral:

missions are okay? not really my cup of tea but some of them award free diamonds sl theres that at least. you can also get kinzcash from em

ms biscuits could look better, and so could the pets. sometimes they look a little uncanny.

it's available on mobile (android and ios) and pc (microsoft store), so you have options as long as your device(s) are compatible.

you can make baby pets. im a bit ehhh on it but i havent made one yet so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

as of this post the curio shop and kinzville academy are still unavailable, but the buildings are cool so theres that.

with the exception of the new two plushes having classic codes, the games are not compatible. but we know this already. might be a dealbreaker for some.

there's crafting! you can make stuff like wallpaper now. havent tried it myself yet though, but its there!

it might just be me, but floaters are pretty common? i get a few whenever im on. they can be pretty distracting during games because they do show up while you play. :/

cons:

all stovetop recipes (with the exception of shepard's pie, the first one you make, and event stuff like the bat potion(?)) need recipe cards to be made. without them, they can't be made.

if you don't like microtransactions/in game currency then diamonds aren't for you.

a virtual pet is 150 diamomds (around 15usd), but you have to spend 20usd in order to buy a single pet. this can be a dealbreaker seeing as classic pets are a bit more flexible on the estore as you can use cash or estore points, although some are points only. editing to add that you can also find classic pets with codes for around 20 or less depending on the pet so :/

the camera controls in the house are...bad, imo. they need to be improved.

its hard to control my pet sometimes. while doing the scout mission my cat got stuck on the merry go round 3 times.

there are a lot of texture + other glitches! which is fair enough because it just launched, but it can be real inconvient sometimes, or a bit weird. (one time i saw a pets head move like an owls! no joke)

regular minigames like cake it up, lily pads, or goody gumdrops are all limited to 6 plays a day, unless you use play tokens, where as on classic you can play most games (with the exception of wheels and some others) as many times as you want.

i have not been able to access one of my accounts on webkinz next or change my password for it so i could access it again. i figured i should mention this here. im not sure if id want to spend real dolla dolla bills on next if im having these issues, yknow?

overall, these are my current thoughts about webkinz next! i definetely prefer classic but hopefully ganz will improve upon both games!

#kinzblr #webkinz #webkinz next #long post

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kendrixtermina · 4 years

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Further reactions to "The book of lost tales":

I appreciate that Idril canonically wears armor and does swordfighting.

I feel like I can actually imagine adult!Idril much better now like in armor and with open hair, distraught but ready to fight while babby Earendil does not yet realize the danger...

My first thought is that Earendil was probably cute in that baby chainmail. My second thought is OUCH, Idril and Tuor always made sure their growing baby had fitting chainmail cause they felt the apocalypse might get them at any moment. Imagine that, imagine them having the baby armor fitted every year or so :(

Its fun how much of the basic structure already exists but most of what you'd consider the main characters doesn't exist or is scattered across various minor roles The only Prince anywhere in sight is Turgon - Except for Team Doriath, theyre all accounted for. I suppose Maeglin is kinda there in name only with vaguely the same role & motivation, but looks personality and background all did a 180 since. Luthien is still pretty much "princesd classic" at this point, not quite the fearless go-getter from the final version - markedly this version tells Beren that she doesnt want to wander in the wilderness with him whereas the final one says she doesnt care and its Beren still wants to get the shiny so as not to ask this of her and also for his honor.

I mean in the finished version Id consider the 3rd and 4th gen royals to be the main characters (well, alobgside Team Doriath and the varioud human heroes) and theyre hardly here. Imagine the silm with no Finrod!

Feanor had no affiliation with the royal family whatsoever, and is also generally less super. He's just the guy who won the jewelsmithing competition, not the inventor of the whole discipline. Still seems to have been envisionad as a respected member of the community who gets called to the palace for crisis meetings and is listened to when he stsrts giving speeches. From the first he already has the backstory of going off the deep end (or at least growing disillusioned with Valinor) after a family member is killed by Melkor and theyre still the first to die, but its just some other rando unrelated to the royals

The situation regarding the humans is different - instead of Melkor leaking their existence, its Manwe who explains that the other continents were supposed to be for them eventually. So Feanor goes off on a tirade about weak puny mortals comes off as a more of a jerk unlike in the final version where Melkor barely knew about the humans and described them to the Noldor as a threat. On the other hand in this one, also very much unlike in the finished product, Melkor dupes even Manwe into being unfair to the elves as a whole. In this the final version is a definite improvement, both Feanor and the Valar come off as a lot more sympathetic and though still deceived he's partially right in some things at least, so you have more of a genuine tragedy rather than a simple feud

There is something to the idea of Commoner!Feanor tho. I guess some of this survived in his nomadic explorer lifestyle and how both his wife and mother (who arent mentioned here) eventually were the ones to get that background of being not especially pretty ladies who are not from the nobility but got renown, respect and acclaim for their unique talent and contribution to society, with each having invented things and Nerdanel also being renowed for her wisdom. Hes sort of an odysseus-like Figure in that sense. I suppose later developements necesitated that Maedhros & co. have an army not just a band of thieves, which means they needed to be nobles/lords. That said this being a society where artisans are very respected and half the lords have scholarly/artistic pursuits going, the gap was probably not as big to begin with as it might have been in say, medieval England. Esoecially since Nerdanel's father had been given special honor by one of the local deities and that the social order might have been a very recent thing in Miriel's time. One might speculate that the first generation of Lords started out as warriors during the great journey, or perhaps just Finwe's friend group.

Also found that bit intetesting where the Valar have to deal with the remaining political tensions and effects of Melkor's lies on the remaining population in Valinor... - i guess with the change of framing device it was less likely for news of something like this to reach Beleriand. That, or the existence of Finarfin and his repentance made this go smoother this over in later cannon

Turgon's go-down-with-the-ship moment reaaly got to me. Im half tempted to write a fic where his wife, siblings and dad glomp him on arrival in Mandos. I dont care that none of them exists yet in this continuity i want Turgon to get hugs

I love all the additional Detail that got compressed out in the shift from fairytale-ish to pseudohistoric style especially all the various Valinor magic insofofar as it is compatible with the final version - particularly love the idea of the connection between the lamps and the trees that is now integrated into my headcanon forever

Its actually explained what the doors of night are

If I had not already read unfinished tales or volumes X to XII where this is also apparent, this is where I would say: Ah so the Valar were supposed to be flawed characters. Manwe has an actual arc; by the time he sends Gandalf he finally "got" it. I think in the published silm the little arcs of Ulmo and Manwe are mostly just lost in compression/ less apparent when only some of the relevant scenes got in but not all

It occurred to me way too late that the "BG" chars are the most consistent because theyre at the start and most stories are written from beginning to end. Finwe doesnt get a dedicated paragraph of explicit description until HoME X but my takeaway was that he's described pretty much like I always imagined him anyways/ same vibe I always got from him... charismatic, thoughtful, enthusiastic, sanguine temperament, brave in a pinch but at times lets his judgement be clouded by personal sentiment (though that last bit is more apparent/salient as a character flaw once he became the father of a certain Problem Child) ...i guess this would be a result of jrrt having had a consistent idea of him in his head for a long time.

This means Finwe's still alive at the time of the exodus which is just fun to see/interesting to know... Interestingly he sort of gets what later would be Finarfin's part of ineffectually telling everxone to please chill and think it over first while Feanor simply shouts louder (which is consistent with his actions before the sword incident in later canon where he initially spoke out against the suspiciozs regarding the Valar) - but its not exactly the same, he's more active than Finarfin later in that when "chillax" availed nothing he said that then at least they should talk with the other Kings and Manwe to leave with their blessing and get help leaving (This seems like it would have been the clusterfuck preventing million dollar suggestion in the universe where Feanor is related to him and values him) but when even that falls on death ears he decides that he "would not be parted from his people" and went to run the preparations. I find it interesting that the motivation is sentiment/attachment (even phrased as "he would not be parted from [his people]" same words/ expression as is later used for the formenos situation), not explicitly obligation as it later is for Fingolfin (who had promised to follow Feanor and didnt want to leave his subjects at the mercy of Feanor's recklessness )

Speaking of problem children. It seems the sons of Feanor were the Kaworu Nagisa of the Silmarillion in that originally all they do is show up at some point and kill Dior as an episodic villain-of-the-week. And then, it seems their role got bigger in each continuity/rewrite... probably has something to do with the Silmarils ending up in the title later making it in the sense their story that ends and begins with them. They have zero characterization beyond "fierce and wild" at this point, though in what teetsy bits there is we already have the idea that Maedhros is the leader and Curufin is the smart one/shemer/sweet-talker, though not the bit where Maedhros (or Maglor, or anyone really) is "the nice one". Which I guess explains why "Maglor" sounds like such a stereotypical villain name.

"The Ruin of Doriath" was purportedly the patchworkiest bit of the finished product, but I never noticed and it actually left quite an impression of me upon first reading, the visual of Melian sitting there with Thingol's corpse in her arms contemplating everything thinking back to how they met... she had the knowledge to warn him not to doom himself but couldnt get him to understand it because he doesnt see the world as she does.... After reading this though I wish there was a 'dynamic' rendition that combined all the best bits like, youd have to adapt it to the later canon's rendition of the dwarves, have Nargothrond exist etc. But i mean that just makes Finrod another dead/doomed relative of Thingol's whom bling cannot truly replace, like Luthien and Turin. In the Silmarillion you could easily read it as just an "honoured guest treatment" but here and in unfinished tales I get the impression that Thingol actually did see Turin as a son.

Already you see the idea of trying to make the stories all interconnected but there is less than there will be (the human heroes aren't related yet and there is basically no Nargothrond, which is later a common thread for many of the stories - a prototype shows up in the 'Tale of Turambar' tho complete with half baked prototypes of Orodreth and Finduillas

O boi im not even through yet

#silmarillion #the book of lost tales #history of middle earth #baby reads HoMe

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ronnytherandom · 3 years

Text

Media n Stuff

2/1/2021: American Psycho

Excellent, truly. Has a lot to say about those on the top of our social hierarchy, the wealthy and influential and how our modern system facilitates them at the expense of everyone else. A very stylish film, well edited and directed. Rests upon a truly magnificent performance in the case of Christian Bale’s Patrick Bateman, who does a fantastic job of playing something pretending to be human. Soundtrack is a bop.

3/1/2021: Se7en

All right, not my kind of thing ultimately. There are some thoughts about legacy and what doing good means here but I feel its slightly obscure and could be more clearly stated; perhaps I wasn’t paying close enough attention. Directing is top notch. The acting also is good but nothing truly incredible. The suspense is very effective but on occasion can be defeated by pacing, excess time creating boredom. Further it was partially predictable, which harmed the effectiveness of the piece. Though the point of the state of the victims is to inspire disgust this especially did not fit the remit of entertainment for me.

4/1/2021: The Martian

Highly Enjoyable. As usual, weaker than the novel but not to a Golden Compass level. Any work that bends heaven and earth to save a single life is good in my books. Retains the wit and the scientific backbone to good effect to offset the bleakness. Likewise, the back-and-forth structure between Mars and other locations helps to make the survival scenario less overbearing. Star-studded cast, and I think rightfully so here as the performances are generally very good. Matt Damon as Mark Watney has many moments of excellence. Mars is beautiful and I’m glad Ridley Scott captured that well, on top of doing a job that lives up to his reputation.

5/1/2021: Dredd

Good. Though I worry about the implications of a “Not All Cops Bad” message, it could be interpreted elsewise and is decidedly sympathetic to civilians which works in its favour. There is the aspect of portraying Police and Criminals as two sides of the same coin, with Dredd and Anderson existing outside of said dichotomy to some degree, but ultimately implying that the existing system just needs the right people in it without severe reform, though again that’s up for debate. Otherwise, good spectacle and very nice presentation; the film can be beautiful at times and when it isn’t it has excellent action. Something I appreciate is a clear view of the action, rather than the choppy action of modern superhero films, and an unflinching approach to the depiction of gore even if I was flinching at times. Though I’m unfamiliar with the original work I find this an interesting dystopia, even if Dredd himself can be a little cliché. Performances haven’t left much of an impression though.

6/1/2021: The Wolf of Wall Street

Meh? It’s well made don’t get me wrong, everything looks and feels high quality. Of course, Scorsese is a good director. Of course, DiCaprio’s acting is fantastic, as is the rest of the acting to be frank, but it just doesn’t come together for me. I don’t feel like there was a compelling reason to sit through that for three whole hours. I can see meaning in the depiction of excess; of Belfort’s alienation, losing everything that should be dear to him; of the animal nature of people who just want to make money. I can appreciate the powerful performances and the craftwork on display. I just didn’t enjoy it.

7/1/2021: Enola Holmes

Enjoyable. Has a more juvenile tone than I like, that’s to be expected from a coming-of-age story, but it certainly does a far better job with the gifted sister idea than the BBC Sherlock series did. At times this film was truly joyous and inspiring and I would attribute that to a cast of endearing characters and a strong thematic core which is carried throughout the story. However, from a more radical perspective I cannot endorse a seeming admonishment of direct action, as much as I appreciate the idea that getting new blood in politics is a progressive step forward. Performances are good, Millie Bobby Brown does well in the lead, though I am not so keen on her 4th wall asides, and I always appreciate the sight of Henry Cavill. Also, proud to see Burn Gorman portray the most accurate Normal Englishman I’ve ever seen. I also wanted to make note of what id consider good editing, felt very snappy and effective.

8/1/2021: Shaun of the Dead

Very good, but maybe doesn’t quite live up to its reputation. Very put off by the use of F and N slurs even if the prior is in context with English slang at the time. Id say this is the lesser of the Cornetto trilogy films but with such competition it’d be hard to come out on top. Quite dry humour, I don’t think all the jokes land, but there are a few true laugh out loud moments. Similarly, it works emotionally only some of the time but at moments, especially in Philips last words, there’s some genuine power. I do feel like the pace lulls slightly too much at moments but is generally very good and saves itself for a fun final sprint. The Zombies themselves are true to Romero’s style of zombie and though the satire is light in comparison to character-zombie parallels it is still effective. Performances are good, and serve well in demonstrating the range of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in comparison with the later Cornetto films and Bill Nighy is always a treat. I only ever have praise for Edgar Wright as a fan of all his later works, so I’m glad to see even his first feature demonstrates his ability well, stylish young man is our Edgar.

8/1/2021: Avatar: Legend of Korra: Series 1

Not by any stretch a worthy successor but good by its own merit. Has powerful emotional moments and excellent action, I cannot get enough of any kind of bending in this universe. Some characters are likeable; Korra is a good lead, Tenzin is my personal favourite and I want to hug Naga. Bolin, however, can get shafted. his particular brand of comic relief inspires in me an absolute hatred I cannot fully fathom. I have many little gripes though. I find the love “square” (?) plot annoying and do not understand what purpose it serves. Just be honest with each other goddamn! In universe I wonder at the limits of metal bending, but the police are content simply to launch cables with it. Why are the Chi Fighters such an obstacle in the first half and yet become cannon fodder by the end? I also feel like a lot of the “powerful moments” I feel are dependent on nostalgia for The Last Airbender, such as any moment where the original theme is played, or when General Iroh appears etc. This is particularly egregious with the feature of cabbage corp. Really? It is frustrating to me that Korra spends the entire series past the second episode tell-not-showing us she can’t airbend before having it essentially gifted to her, similarly with the avatar state. As much as she does endure hardship, I feel like the series would be improved even slightly if Korra’s bending is taken away completely and she uses the avatar state to rescue Mako from Amon, when she is actually at her definitive low point. I find with most episodes there are moments which I’m absolutely invested in and really enjoying but then a gripe or two will pop up and marginally ruin the experience for me. But again, these are minor and as much as I fuss over these details the ultimate product is enjoyable and watchable. The setting is certainly interesting but (probably by design) New Republic City clashes too harshly with the magic system, and I think it harms the series. The animators and artists however should be lauded, as the spectacle here is magnificent.

9/1/2021: Ex Machina

Magnificent piece of work. This is what I imagine is actual good cinematography, rather than the usual “pretty stills equals good cinematography” take. Every frame a painting indeed, aided in that way by fantastically beautiful set work. Each actor deserves applause but I feel especially Alicia Vikander. As Ava she does brilliant work and at times uses an alien affectation which is an impressive highlight of attention to detail here. The director knows exactly what they’re doing, the whole thing has a kind of spotless professionalism. Special Effects are minimalist but used so very well, especially the work of making Ava and the other AI look so real. I love that this is a film which doesn’t stoop to explaining every little thing and treats the audience as an equal, and how the tension is reflected in all aspects of the piece and builds to such a mighty crescendo, though I was quite put off by the self-harm scene and would rather that were not a thing. Not only all of that but its deeply meaningful with a lot to say about our own minds (I don’t think Nathan passes Turing test) with a decidedly feminist angle too. It really is a treat.

10/1/2021: Sourcery (unfinished)

Even as a fan of early Pratchett, this ain’t it chief. I don’t like it. The jokes don’t land, the only character I like is The Librarian and the whole thing just kind of bores me, so I’ve stopped somewhere just past halfway as I can’t be fussed for the rest. I don’t care about Coin, or the wizards, or Rincewind, even the Luggage has lost that pariah charisma it usually has. Conina feels weird? I feel like there this constant unnecessary sexualisation of her and Rincewind’s affections seem more than mildly inappropriate. I’ve been reading it a week and I’ve barely been able to drag myself to it these past couple of days so I feel its time for something a little fresher.

10/1/2021: The Two Popes

Very good. There is excellence in all aspects of this films craft. Johnathan Pryce gives an endearing performance; Anthony Hopkins is likewise very good as you’d expect. I think this is a film to listen to through a good sound system, the sound work struck me as exceptional in its attention to detail while the soundtrack is good fun. Direction is dynamic and effective most evidently in the camera work which tends to feel Just Right. Dialogue is very well written and feels very organic. I enjoy the themes of change and reconciliation and feel contrasting the character of the two popes expresses this very effectively, however I would much rather see evidence of genuine change that surely must’ve occurred rather than a simple implication of change as we see. There is the argument to be made that fully reconciling the old and the new without altering material reality, beyond giving speeches encouraging others to do so, represents the will to change being co-opted and perverted by the conservative establishment. But its still a nice sentiment and a well made film regardless.

#film #books #series #opinion #american psycho #se7en #the martian #dredd #the wolf of wall street #enola holmes #shaun of the dead #avatar the legend of korra #ex machina #sourcery #the two popes

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