#theres no world where they couldve just. been together. even if light had wanted

[infizero]

rewatched the scene where L calls light his first real friend ohhhh im gonna be sick

[the-artist-rae]

Trolls 4 au idea

Edit: i just realised theres already a thistle (who apparently s real name is Dennis??) so i gotta rename my character 😭

So basically im writing a mock script for a trolls 4. I want to write one for trolls 3 but .... I WANT BROBBY CHILDREN, so here we are. Basically in my au, poppy and branch have a set of twins. A girl named Aster who is bright blue with pinkish purple undertones and a boy named Thistle. But, theyre shocked and suprized to find out thistle comes out of his bright purple egg, grey!

A time skip happens and a argument between him and his father causes branch to loose some of his colors.

The argument is set up like:

Branch finds his son in his pod sitting in darkness.

Branch- so ya like it dark, huh?

Thistle- yeah, so what of it.

Branch-Nothing i just was wondering if u wanted to-

Thistle- I dont.

Branch- look i just want you to be happy and find your true colors...

Thistle- sounds like you just want me to be like Aster!

Branch- Now hey now, i didnt say that! Ive been in your place before and i know how you feel, and i dont want someone i care and love to feel that way!

Thistle- You dont know what i feel! All you want me to be is the same happy annoying and insane troll... Just like everyone else!

Branch- Hey, No-

Thistle- I HATE YOU!

Thistle stops for a moment and looks at his father to see his skin darken, widening his eyes. He gets angry at himself and runs away.

Thistle runs to his friend Fern in hope of him knowing a way to get his true colors in hope itll reverse the color loss on branch. Fern tells thistle of a guardian troll of purity who live in a mountain who can give him his colors. Thistle tells his parents that hes going to travel and see aunt Barb, and they go on their adventure!

On the first day they run into a rock/classical troll who lives in the Forrest by herself because her parents are deceased and she had no idea there was other people (basically a tarzan situation but she knows how to talk and has basic understanding of most things) ... The situation is, Thistle and Fern stop to make camp, roasting marshmallows. And out of nowhere a arrow zings right in front of Thistle's face! Him and Fern crowd together to see a dark figure come out of a bush and she says "Who are you?" In a somewhat demanding tone. And they shiver in fear " We're just travelers!! Please dont hurt us!!". She sighs and and chuckles," Oh, i thought you were here to hurt ME!".... This all comes to a conversation that Fern leads and that she'll join them cuz she knows her way around the Forrest.

In the background through out the story, villain trolls are introduced into the story who gave Fern the map and everything about the purity troll who can grant only one trolls wish. And throughout the movie they follow the gang and get caught into their hijinks.

Having Button (the female troll) in the mix has gotten Thistle to come out of his shell and he slowly starts getting happier and sings throughout the movie.

When they finally reach the mountain they come to a cave with paintings and rural architecture. At the end of the cave is a clearing with a waterfall. The waterfall spreads to find a troll pure of white and glowing in a deep sleep in a coven.

The villain characters seep out of the darkness with evil laughter. " Nice job Fern you got us where we need to"

The rest of the gang gasps and gets tied up.

"Well take it from here". Turns out, the purity trolls was sleeping on a gem. And the gem was the wish granting miracle not the troll. They grab the gem and head to troll village where they plan using the gem to destroy it.

Thistle and button get into an argument over whether they should try to save the village. He believes its too late to save anyone. Button unties herself with and arrow tip that was seeping out of her back pack. And says," Well , i do!". She unties Thistle and makes her way out of the cave.

Thistle sits there and sings a song thinking about his family and Button which gives him the courage to start running also.

He makes it to the village before the fern and his crew. And runs straight to his mom and warns her of whats happening. Before he can explain she starts off saying how he looks so different and brighter and why hes back early. After he explains, she tells branch of whats happening and puts everyone in the bunker. The villains make it to the village and one says, " well isnt this a nice beaut, its about to get a whole lot MESSIER!".

Fern is shocked to hear their plans of wrecking the village, he just wanted to be the new ruler in a world where trolls respected him. They tie him up. And the villain crowd together to think of the exact words on how to word out the wish. The leader gets up and points the gem outward "alright get ready for my wish to destroy the village" and at this second and arrow hits the gem and falls down the hill they were standing on and lands into the village. She and the villains start running to gem. Alas, branch grabs it. Poppy stands beside him. "Not today!". The villains look at him and scoff. "You think we were the only ones?". They gasp and turn around to find villainous trolls surrounding them. They fidget before the leader says " dont even think about saying no" and two trolls come out holding button. Thistle, who had been sitting on the side lines murmurs to himself," no this cant happen! No, no,no..!!" And starts running and startles the villains grabbing the gem. Suprizing everyone. Branch says," Son.... Dont..!".

Thistle looks at him with scrunched eyebrows,"i have to." The leader says with a slight panicked voice,"i wouldnt do that boy...!"

Thistle whispers to the gem ," i wish for this gem to be destroyed" . the gem floats into the air, shining brighter than anything they've ever seen and deteriorates into glitter falling to the ground. The light from the gem had flushed through the crowd causing them to have a slight amnesia and questioning "hey,why are we here?".

The trolls in the bunker come out celebrating. Buttons runs to Thistle and hugs him and he hugs back. Poppy and branch run to him. Saying things things like ,"what were u thinking you couldve got hurt?!". Thistle looks into his fathers eyes and replies," Because, i love you.". His parents both look back at him shocked. And slowly but surely from top to bottom his true colors fill in. A bright purple pink. His parents exclaim in happiness and branchs colors get brighter as well. They get excited,hugging and laughing and crying. Thistle points out Button who had wondered a little father to give him space with his parents and brings her into the hug. In which poppy winces," ughhh whats that smell???" And button moves to the side chuckling nervously. "Uhhh... Shes been homeless for awhile give her a break." And chuckles.

The purity troll comes out flowing from the sky to everyone saying how she thanks Thistle for awakening her from her slumber by destroying the gem and continues ,"Ive been asleep for sometime, now lets paRTY!!".

Then theirs the end song where everyone sings. The purity comes up to Thistle and aster and gives them crowns of flowers and robes. Everyone cheers. And we fade to black with a circle transition popping up of fern tide up, " Uhhh hey guys anyone here??? Can someone please tell me whats going on??!!!" And the screen goes black showing the rest of the credits.

These are just the main points. Of course Aster is more involved in the story. I just didnt wanna type all that down cuz i have a big phone and small hands haha.

But as for my trolls 3 au ... Its basically the generic set up of branch trying to propose to poppy throughout the film...and id like to add a backstory of his parents and them not actually being dead and survived escaping the bergins.

But anyways here are some of my character designs!!

Soundtrack ideas-

Aster design i havent yet finalised so yeahhhh but i plan on her having two ponytails!

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[lizziebennet]

AURORA. Very important question for you on this Tuesday night - what is your opinion on the HP scores and could you order them from fav to least fav?

what an excellent and essential question. i admit that it’s hard for me to approach this matter from an objective point of view as obviously my opinions of these scores are very intensely affected by nostalgia and my experience w the film itself, but i shall try my hardest to just evaluate the scores on their own merit. 

RANKING OF THE HARRY POTTER FILM SCORES, FROM WORST TO BEST:

7. deathly hallows part 1&2 by alexandre desplat

i remember when it was announced desplat was going to be doing the last 2 films and it was so exciting to have such a Hot Composer taking on the final two films… but i gotta say he severely disappointed me and i haven’t forgiven desplat since. these films–especially part 2–were the culmination of the entire franchise, and should’ve been fucking epic masterpieces that evoked the previous films’ score. instead, desplat largely ignored the iconic potter themes that williams and others created and went in his own direction which like… isn’t really the right move for the last 2 films of a franchise imo. 

and im just not super a fan of what he came up with?? like ‘lily’s theme’ is good, but im not sure it really fits potter?? and i just feel like a lot of the final battle stuff could’ve been so much more epic and emotional like. it doesn’t take a lot for a bitch to cry in a harry potter movie but desplat wasn’t helping me out u know. anyway i honestly like the score he did for fucking new moon better than for potter which …….is not great. 

6. order of the phoenix by nicholas hooper 

i am trying not to let my hatred of this movie cloud my judgement here but like even so i think this is one of the weaker scores. there are just so many annoying tracks lmaooo that like they blast at the wizarding world parks u know. like umbridge’s theme… i get its SUPPOSED to be annoying but still its not a fave. and like i think again the stuff in the ministry of magic during the fight scenes couldve been better. its just not a fave tbh but i do like a few themes like particularly the track ‘a journey to hogwarts’ is very sweet and sirius’s death moment was well done. but overall there are more tracks on this one i skip than play. 

5. chamber of secrets by john williams

this is where things get rly tricky bc i legit love the rest of these scores. but i have to put chamber here because i feel like a lot of its greatness piggybacks off the genius of the score of sorcerer’s stone... which isn’t a bad thing at all but. it doesn’t bring a ton of new stuff to the table. however i do love the ‘fawkes the phoenix’ theme!!! so!! much!!! and lockhart’s theme is very funny and cute. we do edge into a saccharine territory a bit when it comes to tracks like ‘reunion of friends’ but like i cry every time so who fucking cares. 

4. half-blood prince by nicholas hooper

i really really love this score as a stand alone score, and i almost put it higher on this list but i feel like this score totally abandons all the potter scores that have come before it and does its totally own new thing. this isn’t really the scores fault, as im sure like david yates told hooper to do this you know, but it deviates so far from the original themes instead of just adding onto them, so much so that if you just heard it without watching the movie you might not even associate it with the potter movies at all. again, this probably isn’t hooper’s fault but i think this was a big mistake for the sonic evolution of the movies. the potter movies failed to create a cohesive sound across all the films, and i think it is worse for it. can u imagine if the harry potter movies were like the lord of the rings movies, where they bring back themes from the first movie in the final one and the audience recognizes them subconsciously and the moment is all the more emotional because of it? tbh just a missed opportunity imo. 

but anyway just about this score on its own, it has some of the best standalone tracks in the entire movies tbh. the one that stands out the most to me is of course ‘dumbledore’s farewell.’ such a hauntingly beautiful song--i remember seeing this movie for the first time and this track pierced me to my core. i also love how this score uses harp like in ‘when ginny kissed harry,’ and how it uses choral arrangements?? like in ‘in noctem.’ honestly i adore this score so much but i have to rank it lower because i doesn’t feel like it serves its purpose in the potter movies as a whole well :( 

3. goblet of fire by patrick doyle

idk why patrick doyle only did the 1 movie because i really like this score. i know its super hard to follow up john fucking williams lmaooo but i feel like he did a pretty good job of drawing from the original williams themes but also incorporating some new stuff to fit the darker tone of the movie. there are some of my favorite potter tracks of all time on this score like ‘death of cedric’ which is so haunting and perfect and ‘harry in winter’ which is so beautiful and potter-esque. he also did a really good job with the action scenes in the graveyard which is v important to me. and the diegetic music in the yule ball stuff is so funny and lovely at the same time. 

2. sorcerer’s stone by john williams 

the fucking classic. the og. like, what is there to say?? talented brilliant incredible amazing showstopping never the same totally unique. like only john williams could create such an iconic theme. it’s hard for me to be objective here because i was young enough when the first movie came out that ‘hedwig’s theme’ /is/ harry potter to me, they are one in the same, you cannot separate them in my mind. but truly williams captured the magic of the harry potter world in music and enchanted everyone with this score. 

i also love the little medieval-y influences in this score that were dropped by chamber of secrets. like with the harp moments and in ‘diagon alley and the gringotts vault’ and ‘in ‘hogwarts forever!’ there’s just a very majestic and antique vibe that i really dig that didn’t really carry over to the other movies. 

i will say sometime williams gets very... williams-y in his very uhh loud?? and kinda frantic composing u can hear in like ‘the quidditch match’ which isn’t my favorite way to do action scenes, but like who the fuck cares u know the pros of this score far outweigh it. 

like. just. so manyyy iconic themes that have so much EMOTIONAL WEIGHT!!! like the moment u see hogwarts for the first time and the choral vocals... and the bells in ‘christmas at hogwarts.’ and who can keep a dry eye during ‘leaving hogwarts’??? NOT I!!!!!!!!!!! such a gentle theme of longing and home and yearning and family and bittersweet loss. it starts so small and intimate but then swELLS to this grand and sweeping tune. it’s stunning. 

1. prisoner of azkaban by john williams

this is PEAK!!! potter for me. again, hard to be objective because this is the best my favorite harry potter movie, but i also truly think this is the best score because it carries over the iconic themes of the first two movies but adds a quirky and dramatic flair that fits the tone of the movie cuaron was trying to make u know? i think u can really tell that cuaron had a lot of imput on the score and didn’t just let williams do whatever he wanted, because we get a really interesting, stylized sound that is really different from williams usual fare in such a great way. but, it still is a williams score and because of that it shines and also weaves in the past movies’ themes to give us an outstanding amalgamation of sound and melody. 

like we start with ‘lumos!’ which gets us right back into the potter universe but then we get a series of quirky new themes, like the waltz for aunt marge, the jazzy knight bus theme, and the medieval choral rendition of ‘double trouble’... iconic. and we get the dark and disturbing dementors theme (’apparition on the train’) which is very understated for a williams score and extremely effective. 

however ,,,, we do not abandon the themes from prior movies!!!!! a great illustration of how williams takes those old potter themes and adapts them for this movie can be seen in ‘secrets of the castle.’ this minimalist take on hedwigs theme is a completely different tone from the original, but still establishes that we are in the same sonic world as that film. you can also see this in ‘the portrait gallery’ where an old potter theme is played on some kind of woodwind (idk sorry) and a harpsichord, giving the odd, quirky, vintage feel of the movie but still keeping with the established potter musical world. 

i really love the ~medieval vibes~ that this score gives me and i wish this was something later scores went back to (instead of going in a jazz direction..looking at you hooper). theres a lot of traditional sounding instruments used that give it a real rustic, celtic feel rather than the grand classicism of a full orchestral sound that the first 2 movies use. a lot of harps, strings, and woodwinds!!!! 

some of my favorite tracks of all time are on this score. ‘window to the past’ is just... a triumph of emotion. its absolutely stunning in its simplicity in the beginning, and how it builds toward the end. the return of that theme in ‘finale’ when sirius is saying goodbye to harry...i truly sob every time. the isolated vocals in ‘the patronus light’ truly embody the purity of that awe and joy when the patronus is cast. and of course, of course, ‘buckbeak’s flight’ is an absolute magical joy ride captured in sound. williams refrains from using a full orchestra for most of the score, so when everyone plays together in moments like this you get the full grandeur of the scene just... bAM! it’s so fucking well done and just... perfect. 

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[yukippe]

UGH im rlly back in my anne of green gables phase press f

ok now im going to talk about my feelings on Anne. 

books = blessed. i will admit that its wack that anne’s a conservative bc her family is n she really doesn’t know anything about the tories fsgfhhdhs but! i will also so that the amount of god n praying is rlly funny n my mom made me catholic just by giving me these books like. little me mustve been holy based off all this praying n sunday school in the book. n . i Dig it. wack. its also blessed that anne doesnt actually start liking gilbert until halfway through the 2nd book like - bruh i love that she just full up like competing with him for top marks n barely cared about him el oh el. also EVERYTHING from redmond college hits me right. like anne n the weirdo...anne getting engaged...anne’s fiance’s sister being surprised she isnt bored by him...anne breaking the engagement n falling in love with gilbert n realizing it when hes so sick he might die n then he gets better n rushes to her side n They get engaged. like. im soft babey. BUT! its not a love story! even though in anne of avonlea theres the line, “If Gilbert had been asked to describe his ideal woman rhe description would have answered point for point  to Anne, even to those seven tiny freckles who’s obnoxious presence still continued to vex her soul.” like gilbert has been in love with her since he saw in her class and called her carrots bruhhh. Okay that was not the point whatsoever i just read that quote and wanted to include in anyways. anne doesn’t have romantic love story but she has a love story with the world and thats what the books are about. so like the first movie was rlly off lol, the others were better but i think a good bit of them focused too much on gilbert when she actually barely talks to him until like half way through the second book. while she definitely stresses about his opinion in book 1 its the second one when she acknowledges hes attractive and values him as friend. but! its the THIRD book where they actually start shit at the end of the book but AGAIN- windy poplars is just letters. no contact. we literally have to wait like 4 books to see them together all the time n then they have kids and the story starts to be handed over to the kids like.  anne’s story definitely highlights gilbert but it also highlights marilla and matthew and diana and mrs lynde and stella and priscilla and even jane andrews and ruby gillis. if they are not all highlights then wyd.  tbh i think anne with an e captures that her story is MORE than dianagilbertmarrillaandmatthew and it gets that shes also in love with the WORLD the only thing i have with anne with an e is that it forgets for the most part that anne is always supposed to be the light story that brings your day hope, that avonlea and green gables is where she reached everything gentle in her life. she found god, and friends and family and puffed sleeves! and that should be the focus! her imagination should always bring her better things! and anne with an e is definitely realistic i guess but its always way too dark for me to really be able to love it truly. like i love the cast, its one of my favourite casts for anne n co (except for ruby tho my personal favourite ruby gillis actually goes to my school so that might be a bias but whatever) but yeah! and i think part of the problem with anne with an e is that its told through a tv format and i think with certain books tv is a rlly bad field! n anne’s story is just not told best thru the current trends in tv. anne with an e is a rlly good show that i like but i cant love it as an anne adaptation, i have to love it separately, yaknow?

n of course, like it briefly mentioned above the books r dated n not perfect n dont have the best outlook on tings n honestly is probably not the best book for the average person bc its about an 11-17 yr old ginger white girl in the late-early 1900s which is why the anne with an e series is better at looking to a bigger more modern n diverse audience. if only it couldve captured more hope along with tackling important issues n having diversity n rep :,). but i guess it being “realistic” is more important or smth. idk.

nyways. stan anne shirley <3

[la-knight]

BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage. 

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

[mymagnificentself]

driving home from work during "rushhour" in the heat

i probably nearly killed myself several times.

i for sure almost drove into other people more than once, and i was CoNSTANTLy stressed out and freaking out.

im not good at driving when there are many people around, maybe i have like a sensory overkoad thing going on but i cant CoNcentrate on everything thats happening and Drive properly at the same time.

and it already started out great bc when i was just about to leave the parking spot and was already half on the street, my steering wheel and the brake shut down almost completely and that doesnt HELP when youre already Nervous about driving all the way back on your Own in soaring Heat.

amd there was fucking construction work being done everywhere so there were Traffic jams all over and that is god AWful especially if you have Very Little driving experience, no one to help you with (and a god awful fucking satnav that keeps falling from the olace its meant to stick to in your lap while youre driving like whAt the FUCK) and PEOPLE BEING ASSHOLES ALL AROUND.

so yeah i tried to leave the highway, or not highway highway maybe like lower highway i dont Know what stupid Ways are called in english i dont CaRe either, but then i ended up on anoTHer one going in the CoMPLetely wring direction, when i tried to go right to a place that MiGHt have been somewher ewhere i couldve Stopped to take a breather for a bit, there was a CAR to my right that i aLmost drove INTO but thabk god they HoBKED or i WOuLdve (and also the amount of people overtaking me from the right and not putting on their turn signals like exCuse YOU) anyways so that happened, then i got freaked out, of course, that never helps,

tried to do a uturn (which my fucking satnav told me to do) at the next traffic light, but i didnt fully get AROUNd with my fucking car (and its a small car and i had TWO ways i dont kNOW WHATS wrong with it or me driving, lack of experience or ANYTHing helpful apparently..) so i was STuCk in the middld of the ROAD and i full on PAniCKEd at that point, (and there was a curb with a fucking TRAFFIC LiGHT POST in it so its not like i couldve just kept going) so i reversed a bit (still panicking about all the other cars amd they all probably thought i was a fucking idiot (which i am but no matter) and then sped off to take the route through the city bc i figured thered be less traffic.

and technicakly there was, but people are even WORsE idiots in the city apparently, and of COURsE there were CoNsTruCTiOn SiTES all over

and in the end it took me LOnGER than it wouldve taken me had i taken the fucking bus, i was in a LOT worse of a mental position than i wouldve been (even with having existential crises over where i belong into this world) and i was Sweaty af (bc of course the ac doesnt cool ShiT down), and couldve possibly ruined the car, or myself, or someone else,

ssssoooo i think its safe to say

were not doing that again.

and if i have to get up half an hour earlier to get the bus then be it like that, ill take everything if that means ill never have to make it through That again.

and yeah maybe i couldve turned off my music earlier but i doubt that wouldve helped all that Much

it was just overall really SHiT on the way back, and at work dnot much better, even the favt that we git to keave earlier bc of the "heat" dint help much, but what i should do is just go and take a fucking nap.

bc i am running on aboit 4 hrs of sleep on top of that, bc we have a gues and my sisters didnt want to sleep together anymore so my older younger sister slept in my room and we (or to a great part she) Talked for So Long.

and bc work is so far away i need to get up really Early to get there on time which also Doesnt make things Better, and all in all these past few weeks have been a fucking roller coaster and it better settle on a good, neutral middle ground some time soon or i night have to go back to my therapist for serious bc i am nqit nearly as sturdy and able to withstand stress as one might think.

[199716]

my lost youth

i want to laugh and run in the rain with my friends, feeling the droplets on our skin, not caring if it might make us sick the next day

i want to laugh so hard talking about the wack shit that happens in aikol while having ayam gepuk at econs with my friends in between classes

i want to strategize the easiest and fastest way to win at monopoly deal and curse my friends when they are simply better than me at the game

i want to sneak out of iiu and stay out until the sun rises. i want to sleep in the car and wake up in genting just enjoying the cold

i want to go to Nina’s room and cry about something that makes me upset

or plan what to cook, what to wear, what to study with the rest of my roommates

i want to play music so loud in the store room and do HIIT workouts with my roommates

i want to wake up late and still deciding to go to class bcos late is better than absent

i want to cry every time theres a test and im just not made for memorizing

i want to say good night to my roommates or randomly barge into their room to rant about something that happened to me that day even when their lights are off

i want get on coffee shop trips outside iiu in the morning just to have some change in my routine

i want to see my girls in class with their sleepy eyes and see them light up at the mention of “eh, ada tealive and ayam kunyit kat parking”

i want to go to awe or deens with shuffla detura and never run out of things to talk about. i want to send them funny tiktoks and see their reaction in real life

i want to take my classes seriously, ask questions, be attentive, see my lecturers often and say thank you

i want to get anxious for my live trial. i want to gag so much that people think im pregnant

i want to celebrate small wins with my friends. dress up and go to eat at klcc or jibby east

i want to just sit in my car and watch people just living their lives not knowing where theyll end up next

i want to let the girl whos walking alone in the rain ride with me

i want to send my girls back to their mahallah, and spend an hour in the car catching up because we missed lunch together

i want to walk by myself by the river from hafsa to uniq and get the best banana milkshake in town

i want to go get dumplings and chinese noodles alone at the cafe while watching modern family

i wanna call up aqilah and get in the car with her and just talk about our existential crises or just about boys and how they can be so emotionally inept

i want to be excited for thursdays - where classes end and the real fun begins

i want to dread mondays - but still have the best lunch and best conversations with my friends

i want to go out there and be happy doing the things i love most, singing, performing, taking over the world with my hate for the government

i want to go on dates with ash, hold his hand, watch him glow. i want to give him flowers and let him sit in the passenger seat. i want to adore him close up. i want to feel his warmth 

i want to feel all that is left of my youth, i want to embrace all of it. but i have been robbed of probably the most crucial phase of my life. its not just the pandemic but its also the incompetency of the government. i couldve had all this still. i am a sucker for experiences. i romanticise mundanity. and i am being robbed of them all.

i am terrified of the prospect of the future, having to adult and navigate life on my own, i wish this never happened.

[stainedglassmaiden]

spoilers ahead - okay - so i just watched the siren on xfinitystream.

im so disappointed - or maybe ive just gotta think harder about it/watch the ending again - because it wasnt a common kind of style of a movie, and during most of it, i felt like it was going somewhere interesting . but thenn, at the end like in the last 5-10 minutes, idk, there were flashbacks or fantasies or something, i wasnt suree what was real or not, and it made the end confusing, and there be wayy less closure than i feel like there could have been!!! cause i feelll like maybee if they picked maybe onee of the confusing scenes/fantasies or something at the end, it could’ve made the closure and whole movie seem like 40% better and have more of a clear message. ughhh! they were soo close to having something interesting [and good+clear]!

some ppl had very negative reviews of it, because they didnt understand how the details related, but i think those were some of the most significant parts, and found how i thought they related, to explain and explore some themes in the story.

--

so the movies about a young man, whod never been in love and is mute and v christian, who is taking a break from his life in the church, to stay at a cabin on a lake. [although he had lost his voice in the first place when he was drowned type thing when he was young]. and his neighbor is a man whos lookin kinda rough, cause he lost his husband to what he thinks is a folklore of a monster in this lake, who drowned the husband. so now, this widower wants to find the monster and get revenge and kill the monster. and the background is, that the monster is supposed to be a woman based on like a siren [bc of the title] orr? -a slavic myth of a woman whos undead and haunts a body of water where she had drowned herself when she was unhappy with her husband/was heartbroken.

-

so! i thought it was unique bc it was a very simple set, and not much dialogue probs cause the man was mute, but that was alright with me! it wasnt uncomfortablyy quiet. it was fun for a rainy day, like a little melancholy and a little spooky and a little lovesick . idkk, it was a moodd, if youre in that mood lols, and want solidarity with a movie.

fun how they had diversity, with an asian woman playing the siren - you dont see much asian representation in western movies. and a gay man just casually thrown in there, not a big deal, which is also cool uncommon diversity representation a little bit . andd likee, ability-diversity with a mute character, and its not like a big deal, but maybe people like that would like to see people like their own selves reflected/represented in movies tooo, so they dont feel on the outsidee of the realm of “kinds of people who can be starred as kinds of movie characters” usually, you know? :).

-

some details that other people thought werent relevant and annoyingly random, were things that i thought weree very interesting and related to a message of the movie!

-like i thought the music was significant. it was this very like, etherial possibly what would you call it - like monk like, cathedral echo-y singing. you  know how theres that kind of music like in cathedrals? etherial? -andd its like the kind of music that sirens are traditionally thought to sing. like echo-y and kinda haunting. so i thought that tied the siren and the religious mute characters together. andd they were falling in love anyway. andd it sounds haunting-y and theyre both kindaa haunted by stuff in the back of their minds, like she, by her curse and her lost love in the past or whatever, and she wishes she could come back to land and be normal, but this curse is keeping her in the water - and him, by whether he should return to his church or not - since he had gotten a phone message from them saying like, dont strayyy from the churchh and dont sinnn come back to us!

thenn, i dont think his mute-ness is random either. i think it signifies the theme of like, misunderstanding and miscommunication [and how that can be frustrating]. like how she is frustrated bc shes seen as a monster [and is one] but shes also, sometimes just a normal girl, when the curse isn’t taking a hold of her. and the widower thoughtt he misunderstood her, when he wasnt sure if she wass actually the monster, because sometimes, she just acts like a lady, and he felt sorry that he was blaming her, since he was like, “theres probs no such thing as monsters, shes probs justt a normal lady”.

thenn, i dont think him being gay was random either i guess . people were annoyed about all these random choices about the characters’ characteristics, because they seemed random and distractingly irrelevant. but i think its relevant because idk i thought maybe because sirens were originally supposed to lure menn to their graves. so it makes it easier for him maybe, and more believeable that he wouldnt be able to be more focused, to try to kill her, and not be lured. even if it wouldnt literallyy work, maybe its just supposed to be symbolicc for their repellant -rather than luring - relationship.

something lacking in love - is another theme i think it was cool how they explored it in different ways. like how the mute man had never been in love, and when talking about that, the neighbor was like, “i dont know if i should feel sorry about that or not. can you imagine that?!”. and even when he did nearly get love with the siren, they could never really comfortablyy be alll the way in each others’ worlds, either on land or in the water. -not on land, because she has to always have atleast part of her body in the water, so shes always just kinda soggily, uncomfortably, sitting on the edge of the dock. they cant comfortably be in the water either, because firstly, he doesn’t know how to swim/is afraid of getting in the water, since thats how hed lost his voice as a child - and, because i guess the curse starts to take control of her when shes near other people when theyre in the water, and she needs to drown them. and, how both the other couples had had love, but then i guess they either lost their partner, or it ended in heartbreak.

it made me sad but was moving in a good way, how when she wasnt feeling the siren curse, they did try their best to change to be able to hang out. like she triedd to resist the curse and climbb out of the water to join him on land (although it didnt work). and how since she couldnt come out, hed lie on the dock withh her so she could stilll put her foot in the water. that was cute and thoughtful.

v low lighting though. like, i know we’re trying to make it spooky and a bummer, but also, i can barely see what youre doing. ever heard of likee, idk, a gray or dark blue filter for the camera, so its like the illusionn of night time, but doesnt actuallyy make things too obscure to see things?!

the choices of casting were nice though. i feel like the mute man and siren had chemistry you can feel, evenn if they couldn’t even talk much!.

the ending couldvee been clever. i just didnt really understand. but there wass a flashback or fantasy where idk, i think it was the mute man ended up becoming a siren tooo! (you could tell because his eyes became as big and dark as herss when she was under the curse being a siren), and then that was cooll cause thenn they were shown just bothh being sirenss in her little cove in the waterr, so they couldd be happy and togetherr all the time actuallyy, in the water! thatd’ve been a nice ending. although they would have to explain why hes a siren now, cause they hadn’t. i guess hed have to drown himself or get drowned, with/from a broken heart, just like she did, to become one. but why would his heart be broken, cause theyre ablee to hang out pretty much, when shes nott a siren, and shes not dead ..

butt, they did just end the movie (spoiler!) with him deciding to leave the lake (i didnt understand why?), and when he leaves, she seen kinda swimming up in the distance, to/towards his empty cabin. maybe thats just saying, “and thenn, they were never ablee to be together anywayy, and itd alwayss be like this imagee for them - how it was in the first place, with him on just on land, and herr, only and forever just kinda stuck lurkingg in the distancee, in the waterr - tooo far away from him/remote/[misunderstood! -and cant fix that [monster part] about herself] - to ever really be with him for real. :(.

hm. so i think idk, either make it clearerr, which of these endings are just fantasies,/why, or just choose onee of them, and committ to thatt message. for the movie. lols. orr if you choose the ending where he becomes a siren too, you gotta explain why that happened better.

plus, (spoiler) when the widower got killed and joined his husband at the bottom of the lake, i feel like that couldve been used to say something significant or to bring something full circle or make a point of some kind. but it didnt, so.. i kind of dont understand why that was done. although i cant think of a better ending for that character, and cant think of how else his story could’ve played out - because either he has to get killed by the siren, he has to kill the siren, or he has to never be able to catch and kill the siren - but either way, idk howw youd make eitherr of these possible endings come to an interesting and satisfying solution, for the scheme of the rest of the movie’s story. i guessss its kindaa cool that atleastt he ended up with his husband againn.. [at the bottom of the lake..] which is kinda dark - but its like , ..so ? that wasnt even his/the goal..!

so yea. i like this movie. its quiet and oddly sweet and kinda moody, which sometimes youre actually in the mood to watch. just kinda chilly. and spooky and nostolgic. im just frustrating cause i felt like it was onto something brilliant, then the ending was kinda noncommital and a flop.

but it seemed kinda thoughtful and cool how it was somethingg about like - the themes of frustration, misunderstanding, things not quitee fitting together in life, longing. which are things that arent usuallyy the point of most movies, so it was cool to get to reflect on those things [in media], uncommonly/for once, through watching this one.

[maybe the point/message of this movie was: Sometimes, you just try your best to make things work out (from the various examples of this being tried throughout the movie), but its okay to be sad and bummed when it doesn’t work out how you wanted it too, because that is how it has to end up sometimes (likethe husbands wanted to be together - and they didnt quite get what they wanted cause they didd end up together - but it was when theyre Dead at the bottom of the lake, -or how the siren wantss to overcome her curse, by healing and moving on from her previously broken heart, by trying to overcome riskss to fall in love againn with a neww man, and defying the curse trying to climb out of the water - but (for some reason?) sometimes, i guess thats just a fantasy, like all their flashbacks. so now shes just gonna be soggy and dripping and uncomfortable (physically and emotionally) in her humans clothes (not like, traditionally fun and comfortable and alluring like how mermaids who weree made to originallyy belong in the water, look.), just watching her potential [future] lovers and things she thoughtt were opportunitiess to heal from the curse, pass her by on land - while she watches them from very far away in the water. [im not suree how the mute one fits in to this message perfectly - but i guess maybe hes just the accessory to the siren’s part of the message].

[comicteaparty]

March 14th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on March 14th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on Sketch Dump by Aleks Stock.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Sketch Dump by Aleks Stock~! (https://sketchdump.org/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

one scene i particularly enjoyed was the scene where its revealed clear as day, no holds bar that Iladyl is a slave. https://sketchdump.org/post/179755402309/sketch-dump-c02p06-i-wanna-hug-iladyl-qaq the way its revealed is so straight forward but so simple really works i think. cause its just treated as a fact of life and that is indeed how it would be for the world.

i also loved the animated shattered screen effect because its both grounded in familiarity yet the way its illustrated kind of gives it that scifi fantasy tech feel that lets you know that nope, definitely not from earth

i also find the scene where Brogod meets Jen to be kind of fascinating. mostly cause i think Brogod is an interesting character since his first inclination is to make contact and help. meanwhile in the "real" world, cause i get the impression of simulation, his brain seems to be kind of exploding. but mostly i like it for the interactions cause its not the first reaction you really expect when meeting some crazy alien entity in a weirdo simulation world of sorts.

khkddn

im not done reading through the archive but i really like the scene in the beginning where the lights are flickering, it looks so cool

RebelVampire

yes i think the lighting effects are pretty cool. especially cause of how its animated because the animation kind of feels like the world is glitching. which fits with the whole world we see jenna in later

ezzy

i also like the beginning scene with the séance. just nice to see the characters fucking around. it really gives you the sense that they've known each other for a while

khkddn

it's a great artstyle overall, love it

ezzy

same!

khkddn

yeah i liked seeing the characters interacting too during the seance, some good moments there(edited)

ezzy

i love any sort of multimedia webcomic but the use of animations is rly good

it makes the world a little more vibrant

RebelVampire

yeah i agree it is really great to see the characters kind of just being them. no life threatening quest. no world to save. just a silly seance thing as an excuse to get together, hang out, maybe get some food later. i think it was a good way to introduce them since it gave more breather time to get to know them.

ezzy

i like the little hints that there's more to the characters, like that dudes scar

RebelVampire

yes or some of the subtle looks passed between certain individuals. it was interesting to see a little back history at play that we dont get to know about yet

ezzy

it really makes you want to read more

khkddn

all caught up now! definitely agree w @RebelVampire about the scene revealing Iladyl is a slave. a few pages prior to that i think lyral says something to the effect of "i stole you" which i didn't understand at first but once it got to that page i was like ohhhh

RebelVampire

haha i kind of suspected from that line but it was one of those lines that makes you go "hmm maybe not"

and then the story said nope, it was the worst thing you could expect

khkddn

harsh, harsh reality

RebelVampire

although im really curious about what gave it away. like i assume the horns or something, but im not sure what about them announced "slave over here everybody"

khkddn

i think it was the horns, since there is a panel focusing on them when those people say to leave the slave alone

maybe the hair color too but idk

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. At the start of the comic, we’re introduced to a slew of colorful characters. Which of the characters shown so far caught your eye the most? What about that character in particular interests you? Further, which of the character dynamics intrigued you the most? From what has been shown so far, especially of the human cast, what do you make of everyone’s relationship with each other? How do you think this devil summoning ritual began, and why is everyone simultaneously showing up and being grumpy about showing up? What do you make of every character’s choice of sins, and in what ways do you think that might come into play later?

ezzy

i like jake and jen a lot, mostly based off their designs

RebelVampire

while brogod definitely interests me, i think the character who caught my eye the most was Jake. Of all the humans he seemed the most down to earth and cool. that and of all the characters jack couldve called at the beginning, he calls jake. and that really makes me want to know their past relationship history cause who you choose ot call first is pretty revealing.

ezzy

i think there's a lot of things being set up for the future and i'm rly interested in seeing where it's going

obviously these are characters who've known each other for a good while and have their own rituals and inter-relationships

the devil summoning is being done for the sake of ritual rather than anyone (besides jackson) caring about the results

so i guess it will be interesting to see why it worked this time and how it will shake up their relationships now that its worked

RebelVampire

yes, definitely. cause if this doesnt test their friendships, nothing will XD

there definitely is a lot of character stuff being set up though

i think from the opening scene the character im most worried about sin wise is allen. cause allen chose sloth and life and while jake played it off as him just being a millenial, umm, yeah. i mean you dont pick life as a sin for nothing

which since allen is the one with the scar

maybe hes got a serious case of survivors guilt

and survived something horrific

khkddn

im really curious about that scar, since it seems like he makes a bigger deal of it than anyone else

RebelVampire

yeah especially when it really isnt that bad of a scar

so theres gotta be emotional ties to it

and not just vanity

since vanity is a sin and was not the one he picked

ezzy

oooh i didn't make the connection between the scar and the sin he picked

khkddn

if there is a connection, it could go multiple ways. maybe it was a situation where he got the scar through inaction, or maybe something happened to him that made him a more passive person

RebelVampire

that could be too

that would combine it well with sloth

the character dynamic i think i want to know most about is blake and ana. cause of this page https://sketchdump.org/tagged/comic/chrono/page/13

there are so many ways to read that conversation and that look

khkddn

oh that's true, i didn't notice that the first time reading through

ezzy

(can i just say i really like the composition of that page)

RebelVampire

yes, i love the visual flow on this page, the slight animation, and all the shot choices. it was a really good build up for that look

ill also point out blake wrote love as his sin

so that is a blush

khkddn

the was blake is in the second panel vs the last panel are super different. if it's related to why he picked love, then i wonder why he and ana haven't haven't seen each other in a while (based on the "long time no see")

RebelVampire

ok wait. im rereading this and the papers are sin and sacrifice. so love isnt the implied sin but what blake wants to sacrifice

so is it like...ana is his ex hes still in love with but he wants to move on?

khkddn

hm that would explain them not seeing each other

RebelVampire

yes and the awkward response from blake

ezzy

oooh

RebelVampire

if life is allen's sacrifice, then thats even worse tho and stands to reason that hes probably guilty of inaction

QUESTION 3. Within the comic, an “innocent” devil summoning seems to go horrifically wrong. What do you think exactly happened to everyone involved? Why did this summoning go so awry, and why did none of the other attempts before have the same results? How does all this tie into what Brogod was doing regarding summoning and translating? Did Brogod somehow cause what happened to the human gang, or were both sides victims? Also, why was Brogod found unconscious and barely breathing after making contact with Jen? What’s even going on with Jen? Lastly, do you think Brogod is okay and, if so, will Brogod try to make contact again?

I do think Brogod was responsible for why everything went awry. Cause its like he was trying to summon the summoner which probably created an extreme magical paradox

ezzy

my guess is that the two "summonings" happening at the same time is what caused everything to go all whoopsy-fucky

khkddn

i think the previous seances never worked because each time, there wasn't someone like brogod on the other end doing their own seance

it's weird that brogod got all messed up but the humans didn't. maybe it's because there was one of him and seven of them?

RebelVampire

i assume brogod got messed up more from making contact with jen

rather than the seance itself causing it

like had he bailed and said "no lets not talk to this person" he mightve been fine?

ezzy

i think the thing with jen is like... either happenning in his head or he's like projecting his conscious to another plane and thats why he's fountaining blood

RebelVampire

yeah

i got the simulation impression

like brogod was tapping into another world

another world i would not be surprised was purgatory or something

whereas the humans got physically transported

simulation world also cause last i checked human eyes dont glow blue like that

unless jen was secretly a cyborg all along

khkddn

im trying to figure out what jen is saying in the non-translated parts.... too hard >_>

RebelVampire

by process of elimination i believe jen was the one who chose to sacrifice limb, so i hope that thing brogod put on her doesnt have long term consequences

khkddn

sacrificing limb sounds pretty straightforward in terms of making it literal, wouldn't want to pick that one

the only non-translated part i think i understand is the one on this page https://sketchdump.org/tagged/comic/chrono/page/32

p sure she's saying something about his tail

RebelVampire

makes sense

i can read "That's a

but the rest i cant figure out

im really curious why brogod seemed to have all those translation bug things as the thematic colors we keep seeing to represent each character

khkddn

they also flew away into the void (i think they did, he tried to catch them) so im wondering where those lil things went

RebelVampire

i mean the most likely conclusion is to the other characters

considering in the latest page we can confirm emily made contact

and clearly the language barrier would still apply without help

ezzy

yeah, it would be silly to have the characters run around without being able to speak the language

so thats a neat solution

RebelVampire

also interesting. cause magic shenanigans must be at work

i do think brogod is gonna be fine and be back again to figure out wtf is going on. cause i think after he wakes up he might realize he had something to do with it. or hell make contact with jen and gleam info about their situation and go "whoops"

ezzy

im really curious about what's gonna happen lmao

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. As the comic has only gotten so far, there’s a lot of speculation to be had about the future. Do you think the human gang will ultimately get back to their homes? At the very least, do you think they’ll at least be able to find each other given they all seem to be quite separated? How do you think Iladyl will be involved with the plot considering his friend seemed to have located Emily? Why is the friend interested in involving Iladyl in the first place? Do you think everyone else has made contact with someone like Emily and Jen? On a different note, what about the world interests you the most right now? Finally, in general, what sorts of conflicts, events, or anything else are you hoping to see or think might happen?

so in line with the topic of sin and sacrifice earlier, im really concerned ana is gonna die. cause thats one way to sacrifice love

ezzy

i feel like they'll be separated for a long time and will have to deal with their relationships while being apart and thrust into a new and foreign situation

you know, like college

RebelVampire

yeah i dont think theyll find each other anytime soon. although the characters who know them may find them. like maybe brogod will find Iladyl's friend and they can chat about their alien friends. but i assume the humans are kind of like in pockets where they cant make contact with each other until theyre out in the actual physical world where there isnt a white void everywhere.

ezzy

they'll probably have to reevaluate their relationships under duress and will be different people by the time they see each other again

RebelVampire

yes, definitely. i mean not even their relationships. theyre gonna have to evaluate themselves cause they all seem to be early 20s or younger with exception to jake who seems to be working at a hospital

tho exception in the sense that im not sure what his job is there

ezzy

the description does say 2 teens and a number of young adults

i wanna say five but i cant fucking count

RebelVampire

i assume most of them are around jack's age

again minus jake

cause it really depends on what jake does

cause if hes a nurse or doctor or something hed be a lot older cause med school takes a long ass time

ezzy

if hes a nurse he might be younger i think(edited)

because nursing school doesnt take as long

RebelVampire

true. but tbf jake could also be some sort of genius and did the whole college thing at 10. hes mostly just the wildcard i wont put eggs into the basket

on a different topic, i bet the others are not having as great as time as jenna or emily. cause i will be surprised if they all manage to meet someone who legitimately wants to help them

ezzy

my guess is that theyre all within 4 years of each other

it will be interesting to see if they all have like... a demon counterpart to play off of

RebelVampire

i think thats plausible, just all their demon counterparts might not be the best of ppl. like knowing slaves are a thing in this world makes me think one of them is kind of destined for it

ezzy

yep

RebelVampire

the bit of world im most intrigued by is from this page https://sketchdump.org/post/174655505354/sketch-dump-c01p24-minor-seizure where brogod gets mad about almost damaging the most priceless artifact in the palace. cause i cant decide what hes talking about, although i assume its the lighter. and if so, wtf happened in the world that its the most priceless artifact

alternative could be talking about the computer, but considering technology seems rampant idk

khkddn

it does look like an ordinary lighter, but who knows

(ordinary lighter w blue fire, that is)

ezzy

hmm the computer says something about a gift and lyddal(?) also mentioned a soul gift

maybe its a soul lighter

lladyl lmao

RebelVampire

hmm that could be

but now that tells me why the friend probably wanted to get Iladyl involved

maybe Iladyl's soul gift is something that will help

with emily

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Aleks Stock, as well, for making Sketch Dump. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Aleks Stock’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://sketchdump.org/

Aleks Stock’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/sketchdump

Sketch Dump’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/sketchdumpcomic

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel upset today because there is a continual expectation for me to put myself out for other people and get next to nothing in return as they ask for everything. and if i ask for something, it just goes ignored. 

i’m tired of my work being devalued. i’m tired of people just taking it for granted and using it to their own benefit. i felt nothing but anxiety and animosity at the last show our group put on because i was knowingly bullied on more than one occasion by another member and then forced to put on a show with them - and was even questioned why i might pull out my art. 

i was going to perform at this event. but as the weeks passed i realized i was putting in more work than anyone else and when i asked for certain things, they were ignored or put off. and yet there was an expectation for me to complete something for them ‘asap’. this made performing for the first time really devalued. like sure, i worked hard to create the event but why? what was the purpose of this? it was never to bring anyone together, it was never to showcase anything but the organizers themselves and the lack of good promotion means the likelihood of selling something at a venue not known for after hours shows and not joining our marketing is pretty low. 

i am 27 years old now. i have no fucking desire to put on shitty teen shows that are half assed thrown together with a bunch of my friends. thats not what this is about for me - it lacks a certain amount of organization and class. it lacks a curation in performers. i thought i might be the worst one - and that’d be okay. they cant all be winners. but now it’s just open mic - and if i really wanted to perform at a open mic, i’d go to a real one. if i’m going to do a large amount of the work - outside of meeting with the owner one time and putting up 5 flyers on street poles - i want the results to be worth the work i put in. and IMO it’s not. it’s mediocre and thrown together. 

and i feel a personal insult about this because of how much work i put intothe group itself. ive dedicated time on a semi regular basis to all the admin work, the promotion, keeping social media active, posting new submissions, fielding a majority of the questions and i’m not asking for praise - i’m asking for people to respect the work i’ve done. don’t come in and draw on it with magic marker and tell me its acceptable quality when theres folks painting in oils. i dedicated time to create an entity that could be used and harnessed; i ask for the quality of our output to match whats already there. 

and i think it’s asinine that i would hve to argue doing better than average. if this is just a hobby or random activity for you - fine. it’s not serious. you’re not serious. none of this matters. but it was presented as serious. it was presented as a showcase of people’s craft. there is no effort into making it somewhere one would wnt to be. we’re all going for the ~decor. we print posters because we want to see our name on a poster in the street - not becuse we’re really advertising an event. it was acceptable that the only people in attendance would be the performers and a few of their friends. acceptable!! that’s an unsuccessful house party, in my opinion. 

you know whats missing  locally? proper use of social media to network between people. it’s impossible to find other artists in the area unless you scour through obscure hashtags. but yet theres dozens and dozens if not hundreds of artists in the local area. this means you get stuck in one influence and within that influence you may be chastised for going against the “norm” of their influence. instead of new ideas being welcomed, they’re constantly turned down or argued against. 

i’ve met all of the people i know through facebook and instagram in my art world. thats a very powerful tool.i know models who only book through instagram. and ive had arguements about the use of hashtags. as if theyre not relevant. 

i’m tired of questioning what i know. tht honestly gives me the most anxiety. and its not like im tired of questioning what i do - its healthy to question your actions - but what i know and believe makes me feel unsure of myself and the skills i have. i have had experience working in the creative industries since i was 17, freelancing. and i have a wide variety of skills in graphic design, retouching photos, photography of models & landscapes & products, glamour modeling & product modeling (of which i’ve done for dozens of photographers in the local area), web design & blogging + knowlege of e-commerce platforms, wordpress, seo, promotion & marketing both online & offline, i’ve sold crafts online for almost four years and switched my primary creative tool from artisan crafts to trditional & figure art that i studied & practiced extensively for over two years, i have skills in copywriting & journalism, i have a handle on the basic laws of creative works & how they can be used, basic knowledge in building & selling a brand, communicating with clients & customers (of which i’ve had no complaints in regards to my communication - ive had complaints about shipping because post offices are not so nice), creating organized file systems which can be used by multiple people -- i have paid my dues. i am still growing, absolutely. i am not the best at any of the above things i listed. i could be even better. i could spend two hours today on one of these skills and be better than i am right now. i can always be better.

but just because i can be better doesnt take away from what i know now, what i have learned, what i have studied - like i took the time to study and read up on research and marketing & promotion techniques. a good portion of my first shop was spent reading about how to sell stuff, not so much making stuff to sell. as i did not realize at the time how much work went into being successful online. and i did not realize until my shop closed how i had taken that skill for granted - because i had done all that work & effort, it was able to pull in a few sales a month with little to no effort now. if i worked harder, maybe i couldve been even better. 

i also (un)willingly have worked full time as an artist and only an artist for at least two years. this is the “luxury” ive been allowed in  life even though i am the definition of starving artist. i didnt have it as a part time job or hobby - it was something i did every single day and i marketed & promoted for hours a day. an acquaintance of mine upon hearing of my mental state now told me that i had gone so hard for so long - and i kind of appreciated that he saw that on the outside. that someone could see that i actully did work incredibly hard. that i was dedicated.. that i AM dedicated. 

i’m not saying any of this makes me better thn anyone else or knowing more - it just means i’m experienced. i am very very experienced in not only practicing a craft but marketing that craft to sell, displaying that craft in it’s best light, knowing the best places to sell. i also work in quality over quantity. i am not interested in doing 9  - 10 shows a year. i’m not interested in shitting out  5 - 7 paintings at a time. it means before i touch anything to paper or canvas or wood - i’ve thought about it. i’ve really, really thought about it. i didnt just sit down and throw paint on the canvas. i couldve been thinking of this image for days before i do it. or the craft itself - my bone jewelry came because i absolutely neded to make a necklace out of fish bones i found and they needed vials attached. why? i dont know. but it just needed to be. 

when i started the group, i asked about names. i didnt choose a name or dictate the name. i was given a suggestion by someone i actually dont like at all and was given a reson for why he felt it was a good suggestion and i agreed because business-wise it was a good suggestion. i respected that he hd different ideas and experiences that shaped that suggestion that i did not have. i learned through it that i should expand my reach - both in my personal creative life and my ‘business’ creative life. 

my ~partner was disappointed i wasn’t going to perform. i could tell it was frustrating and dissappointing to him because i think he thought it wouldve been good for me and that i would hopefully find something in it that would bring me something. and through his disappointment he told me that it wasn’t totally right to drop out of something you planned to do or that peopl expected you to be at.

but i’d like to turn that around - my partner is someone who also puts himself out for others on a regular basis. and for a long, long, long time he was fucked around and fucked over by many people. an old friend came to his door and asked to borrow money and he allowed him to despite knowing he might be a drug addict now. he had no obligation to this person but it was like since he was asked, he should. and i think if he lerned to say no, or learned to walk away from an unhealthy situation, he would be happier as well. i’ve learned first hand the benefit of walking away from something toxic. and you will feel misplaced guilt for a bit, i feel some guilt now but it’s for the best. 

i try to think how i can change my perspective on it but i cannot. i wold not walk down the street if this was held in the local gallery, nevermind 20km away. like once i took myself out as a performer i realized i wouldnt even want to go. i dont want to see anyone perform but my partner; who will already be subdued because of the venue. ive been completely taken out of the organization of the event - despite having been continually involved in the promotion and a few conversations since the lst one where i said i didnt want to keep doing this. so ive deleted my advertisement efforts online andi’m just halting any further promotion on my part of this event. i’m 97% sure i’m personally not even going to go. i no longer ant to see half of the people there on a personal level so it’s not even worth going to to hang out and i dont care about displaying my art.