#theres zero plot to it

[corkinavoid]

DPxDC "Pick Me Up"

The stream goes live on the first day of the school year. It's the usual song and dance - mad laughing, threats, poor jokes, terror, and about thirty kids huddled together in a classroom behind Joker's back. Tim recognizes it as one of the Gotham Academy classrooms. Dick can't imagine the horror those kids' parents must be feeling right now. Jason jokes about middle school traumatic experiences. Damian is feeling very justified for skipping classes today.

Bruce, all suited up in his Batman garb, is making his way to the Academy as fast as he possibly can. Those are kids.

Gotham is once again anxiously kept on the edge of their seats, watching as Joker decides to interview the kids on their learning experience so far. Something about leaving a good first impression on the new generation or some other bullshit. Most kids stutter over their words - it's true that Gothamites are way more composed when facing life-threatening events, but those kids are only fourteen or fifteen for the most part. They are not old enough to keep their cool in the face of a murder clown.

That is, until Joker points his camera at one of the girls. Black hair in a high ponytail, blue eyes without a trace of fear, a slightly displeased, even bored expression on her face. She looks straight into the camera, not even waiting for the laughing madman to finish his question, and deadpans:

"I don't think I like school. Pick me up, please."

Joker sputters.

"Not so scared, I see," he sneers, and, in the next moment, a comically large gun painted in purples and greens is pointed to the girl's forehead, "How about now?"

The girl scrunches her nose and makes a so-so gesture.

"It's kinda meh," she admits, "Like, yeah, points for style, but you know, size doesn't matter. It's all in the technique."

Dick snorts over the comms. It's a bad time for laughing, sure, but the phrase caught him off-guard. This is not what you'd expect to hear from a teen, and definitely not something you'd expect anyone to say to the Joker. Jason's comms are muted, but Barbara knows he also laughed a little.

"Technique, you say?" Joker hisses, pressing the gun closer to the girl's head, and she winces, leaning away from it, almost as if she is disgusted by the touch.

"Yeah, I mean, guns are not that scary anyway. What are you gonna do with them, blast my brains all over the floor? Been there, done that," the girl shrugs, "Kinda nasty, but overall, it's just like slime, only sticky." She pauses and looks to the side, seemingly lost in thought, "Huh, maybe we should have added Borax to it. Or was it baking soda?.."

"Listen here, you little brat," Joker's fingers catch the girl's chin, and his voice becomes sickeningly menacing. Bruce is almost there, just two more minutes. Tim is already grappling onto the wall.

But none of them get to finish.

"Put your dirty fingers away from my sister," a low, cold, and even in a way that speaks of barely contained fury, voice comes from out of the screen.

The camera spins, like whoever is holding it turned really fast, and everyone watching the stream sees a fairly normal guy standing by the window - a turtleneck and ripped jeans, same black hair as the girl, same blue eyes... Wait, they are not blue.

And that's not a guy.

The camera falls down to the floor, and there are a lot of panicked screams coming from the broadcast now, but none of them sound like children's voices. It's the screams of adults, of grown-ass men, and later, someone even claimed they heard Joker's scream among them, too. The picture on camera glitches a few times, and the angle is awkward, but everyone still gets to see how shadows in the room morph into eyes, wide open and green, and how the darkness grows sharp teeth, countless grinning mouths that don't belong to any faces.

Screams turn into gargling and then to quiet whispers, filling the ears of all those listening with countless words in languages they don't know.

Red Robin turns off the recording and looks to that same guy from the levestream, sitting across him on the couch. The guy - Daniel, or Danny, as he introduced himself - looks him in the eyes and raises an eyebrow.

"Okay, and?"

"How did you do it?" Tim asks for the third time this evening. Danny blinks.

"Did what?" He asks, completely incomprehending. Tim groans. He's been trying to get his answers, any answers at this point, from the guy for thirty fucking minutes already. So far, he's got nothing. Danny, whoever the fuck he is, proves to be the most annoying human being on Earth.

"Seven people in a coma, including Joker himself, with no physical injuries and none of the children remember a thing! How?!" He demands, and a girl's face peeks from around the corner:

"I remember!"

Tim snaps his head at her, "What do you remember?"

The girl pauses, blinks, and looks to Danny. Then shrugs, "My brother picked me up from school."

Tim drops his head down and breathes out in frustration. He can't force the information out of civilians, he is a vigilante, not a mafia.

"Would it make you feel better if I promise not to do it again?" Danny asks, and his voice is way too innocent for Tim to believe him. He raises his head to look the guy in his shameless, amused eyes.

"I hate you."

"Thanks," Danny grins.

[janetfraisersmassivestrap]

with the sgc's main gate technician being named walter and considering a large portion of his job is announcing incoming choppers wormholes, he's got to be nicknamed radar by at least some of the people on base

[demadogs]

noooo dont watch that show that didnt have the story mapped out entirely when the first season came out and started out incredible but then in later seasons starts feeling super disconnected and unplanned… youre so sexyy ahaha

[milesplayshu]

actually despise star wars jedi survivor

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Me and friend watched Rise of Red and have uh, two reviews: *It was a movie. *Descendants 3 actually looks more appealing as a movie then this...movie.

[ghoulishautism]

I know I promised Id be less of a hater but I'm sorry guys...The Ultimate Enemy is a mess and I KNOW its a massive hot take but-

hey stop booing me-

[iangallagherisadeadman]

something something a fanfic in which Ian is best friends with Yevgeny and then he timetravel and falls in love with his best friend's father.

I like to think that in this version he was raised by Clayton cause Monica obviously couldn't, and canonlike she wasn't in the picture much. He then lives with his father, stepmother and siblings but doesn't quite fit with them. Yev was raised by Svetlana and never knew his father cause he left when Yev was a baby.

When Ian travels back he is saved by Mandy. He says he's a Gallagher and she's like "I know the Gallaghers but I never saw you!". He's introduced to his "cousins" who immediately take he in like a brother? Who he is cause of Monica.

Then because of Mandy he gets to know Mickey and younger Svetlana and baby Yev and it is extremely fucked but... my dick's in your dad mouth, sorry Yev!

Gallavich: they start as friends cause Ian quickly hits off with Mandy, and soon Ian gets to understand the difficult situation that led to Yevgeny's conception and why Mickey probably left them when Yev was still a baby. Then, feelings come along and Mickey's deep in the closet but Ian's nothing if open-minded so with time it works out. Ian doesn't lose interest even though Mickey has a wife and baby, he isn't scared off easily, and Yev Svet and Mandy all like him so that's a turn on. Ian likes older guys so the fact that Mickey's an old soul in a hot young body who listens to dad music and is grumpy is what attracts Ian.

The future is forever altered. Ian now actually has a family of Gallagher's he actually likes and fits. Ian came along so Mickey never left the picture and now Yev was raised with his father around. Which changed the way Yev grew up to be, so he's not the version Ian knew, but that's alright cause then Ian gets to meet him again. And yes, they end up being best friends all the same, after all, Yevgeny watch the type of cartoons and listens to the kind of music and plays the same videogames Ian grew up with so they're very close.

[suffarustuffaru]

i need to tell you guys about this crack treated seriously post arc 5 au i made in my head. ok so basically reinhard turns into a borzoi dog and then ottos the only one who understands him and heinkels along for the ride and yes i know this is like a reverse brave as in brave like the pixar film but— *gets shot*

[a1exkra1ie]

rvb time :3 what made you get invested what is it about and whats the most fun aspect of it to you

LUE ‼️ 10q for allowing me to talk about it

what is it: it's a silly comedy show animated using video game (halo) models... but then it gets a plot and turns into what can only be described as an American shounen series. it has 19 seasons but anything past season 13 isn't worth watching and the seasons are usually pretty short (1-3 hours). in a few words it's about AI, the military fucking people over, and grief :) lots of grief :) and also they make dick jokes because it's that kind of show.

honestly the characters and general worldbuilding got me invested. even if it technically takes place in the halo canon it has enough of its own story to be interesting. and also the characters live in my brain now bc even though a lot of them get flanderised they are so appealing and their dynamics just work.

and it's also so stupid </3

a (male) character got pregnant from an alien (not really explained) after he became the hero of an alien prophecy. there's a sentient talking bomb that calls one of the main characters lesbophobic slurs. two (male) characters canonically fucked in a storage closet because of alien sex magic (they were already a popular ship before all that). it's gay and homophobic at the same time.

despite all that it's still funny and good!!! it has a good core message which is about letting go! of grief, and past hatred. moving on because your past doesn't dictate who you are. etc (this is why I call it a shounen)

anyway the most fun part to me is that I now have this found family who hate each other and are (mostly) incompetent living in my brain at all times. I am Plagued.

^ me rn

(I wrote too much but the most fun part to me is that I now have a new blorbo to rotate in my brain. his name is Agent Washington. he's just some guy. but also he acts as a foil to everything, so when he's with his team of highly qualified agents he's a blundering fool and unskilled, but then he meets the main characters and he seems highly competent and make them look like idiots (they are), etc, he's incredibly endearing)

it sucks but it's also really good. basically. also it's homophobic and also has the longest (?) running queerbait (21 YEARS) which is what made me want to watch it (it's not even technically true)

[chompe-diem]

crying in the corner guess it's time to rewatch the old (ONLY) murph adventuring academy and the behind the screen streams from jake's paternity leave last year and the frosted murph tips episode from 2bh and then get back on that copium that there will be a new murph aa one day,,, 2025 pls-

[vilelittlecritter]

About half the reblogs are about 73 yards and I'm sorry to break it to you but I don't really like 73 yards that much..

No hate to the episode I thought it was cool as an idea but wasn't really well done in my opinion

Firm believer that doctor who should get fucked up and unnerving on the regular

[kideternity]

Kamen Rider X focusing I assume the latter half of the series on trying to track down blueprints for a sci fi horror godmode invention is surprisingly linear for a showa rider show

[thetimelordbatgirl]

...So uh, basically bootleg Suicide Squad featuring not even a comic's accurate team but instead, just random characters picked randomly from throughout the MCU, including even character's that make zero fucking sense to be on the team???

[pharaohbean]

tumblr i need soulmate aus/ideas for a fic im about to write give me all of your soulmate ideas i dont care if theyre half-baked or if theyre the most common thing you’ve ever heard or if theyre developed to the ends of the earth and back or if they’re the most nonsensical thing on the planet ITS TUMBLR AND I WANT THEM ALL

[34choco]

Also they clearly wrote this movie with the assumption that viewers have watched enough of the show to understand what the hell is going on

[doorp]

the third house is so silly its the fucking ‘I eat hot chip and lie but you’ll like it because my lies are sexy’ house. It’s the ‘every time I show up i am noticeably out of place in the narrative i find myself in because ive sucker punched my way into being relevant’ house. a fundamental trait of the third house is just believing that you’re the main character when you’re absolutely not. They’re a house of tragically genre and role confused characters. Even down to their literature, (Abella Trine, the heroine of palamedes’ terrible river bubble novel he’s stuck with) the third house always acts in a way that implies that they all think they’re the main character of a trashy novel. And its so funny because they succeed! 90 percent of the time in any story, the main character randomly appears in the narrative with no warning to any of the other characters, and out of nowhere begins to affect the plot in ways unthinkable to the supporting cast.

In tlt we as the readers get to see that dynamic from the *other perspective* corona and ianthe and naberius and valency and cyrus are NOT the main characters, but any time they appear theres this sense of bewilderment you get when you think about them for like 2 seconds. Like where the hell did you come from man?? By all accounts you should not be doing this well. Who ARE YOU. Who do you *think* you are??? Throughout Gideon the ninth, ianthe is just like fucking stalking everyone and ignoring the entire plot to skulk around who knows where, and the only times she gets a spotlight or opens her mouth, the vibes are deplorable! delightfully nasty! befuddling! Every 80 pages ianthe pops out of her hole for 2 pages to say something weirdly ominous or offensive, and you’re like. Okay weird nasty c plot character you’re pretty funky and I kinda forgot you were here. AND THEN. NINETY PERCENT OF THE WAY THROUGH THE BOOK. SHE COMES OUT OF NOWHERE TO GIVE A DRAMATIZED VILLAINOUS SPEECH ABOUT HOW SHE KILLED AND ATE A DUDE. AND SHE WASNT EVEN THE ONE DOING ALL THE OTHER MURDERS. This is a completely unrelated murder she has committed, for completely unrelated reasons. everyone should now realize that they underestimated her and rue the day they assumed lesser of her necromantic capabilities! She even admits she had a whole speech planned out thats going Not Well bc the guy she ate is trying to come back up.

Babs is tragically in the wrong genre, stretching his fabulous abs for no one who cares, i mean, he is a guy who- in any book not filled with toxic lesbian drama- would be a star player, but he’s not! He gets eaten and all anyone there who knew him had to say about it was “babs? Who even cares about babs!” In line with the thirds rule of tropious misplaced leads with main character syndrome, he is a trope that is subverted tragically in that he has everything that should set him up for success narratively, yet any time he is mentioned or does anything ever, he’s humiliated! all his lovers cheat on him, even when he wins a duel he gets shat on by everyone there bc his personality sucks, no one cares about his abs, he’s stuck in a toxic power dynamic with bad twin and worse twin, he gets fucking EATEN. Babs by all accounts would be the successful male lead but gets ZERO WINS over the course of the entire series. You’re confused about how and why this kind of character is in this kind of book, and it makes perfect sense that he does not do well! He has you thinking “what is this hetero romance lead doing in this book of ravenous lesbians. I hate him. I hope they eat him.” And then they DO. Hes not supposed to be in this book but he insists he is and it gets him killed.

Cyrus and Valency never actually appear in the story, yet still manage this bewildering insistence of their own importance. Who else but 2 people eternally convinced that they are the main characters would paint dozens of their own nudes and give them out at birthday parties? I rest my case.

Corona is the most subtle out of all of these, the confident, charismatic and beautiful leader is present in any book no matter the genre. So what makes corona out of place? What makes her the genre switcher? Her relative mundanity. Her supreme insistence of making everything she does a hot girl summer, no matter the horrors. In as yet unset she is notably *not* the main character, yet she is able to turn the whole of Judith’s attempt at a gritty torturous prisoner of war log into a messy and petty sapphic drama. In nona the ninth she uses this power to become a key figure amongst characters such as: 10,000 year old woman stuck in her dead best friends body, A girl so obsessed with her QPR that shes dying bc she lets his ghost take over her body several times a day, the resurrected soul of the planet earth stuck inside the body of a malnourished 19 year old girl, a commando rebel nepo baby with 2 machetes and a gas mask, a 14 year old girl named hot sauce who keeps a gun in her pants. This is not to say Corona isn’t an outlandish or weird character. She’s MESSED up. this is to say that she has no magical powers or outlandish talent, yet still manages to come out of the woodwork performing deeds entirely unexpected. At some point in nona the ninth she is literally the only perfectly mortal person in a room of powerful superhumans and demigods. it has you thinking HOW AND WHY DID YOU GET HERE. and the answer is that shes third. This is what the third does. When you’re challenging a fascist demigod to a duel, the third comes in, grabs your gun, and goes “IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF IF YOU DONT FIGHT RIGHT NOW!” And because the fascist demigod is her sister and also third, it works somehow.

Speaking of that particular fascist third demigod: even when pal is fighting her in her mindscape, shes not the main character. Ianthe literally builds an entire pocket dimension where she is the center of attention of a stage play, and PAL is the main character. The third fundamentally cannot be main characters, bc their whole thing is being so self possessed that they feel like characters that are EXTREMELY genre confused.

The funny thing is, i think ianthe is the only one of these who realizes shes fundamentally misunderstood the role shes meant to play. In harrow the ninth she acts the roguish bad boy love interest who is mean and angsty to the female lead. She’s soooooo cynical, so quirky, referencing many times different tropes from trashy romance novels shes read. She directly parallels john in the belief that she is the main character. Its not until she spends her time babysitting and covering for john that she realizes she isnt like him, or realizes theyre both not what she thinks they are. She sees gods pathetic wallowing and is like “fuck. He thinks he’s the main character. Hes a pathetic villain. I think im the main character. Im a pathetic villain!” her experiences in the time between the end of harrow the ninth and when she shows up in nona have caused her to realize shes a full hog villain. She goes from “heh.. im the ill ignored female lead that no one expected…” in Gideon the ninth, to “heh… im the cynical bad boy romancer that the priggish female lead needs….” In harrow the ninth, to her nona the ninth mindset of “LMAO IM THE NARCISSISTIC VILLAIN!i am the fascist white girl this galaxy needs. The emperor is having a midlife crisis orgy and i am the shadow government. I literally don’t care anymore the zombie apocalypse is upon us and im best friends with a corpse who won’t stop moping over her ex” Whatever fucked up shit has happened to ianthe in that gap of time has caused her to completely reevaluate her role in the story.

anyway i love the third house. i love their freaky gimmicks and infiltrating the narrative and warping it to their own agenda bc they’re fundamentally genre confused. I love how it fucks them over in the stupidest ways.