#these are just the lyrics that make me the MOST unwell. every line of this song is amazing

[everysongineverykey]

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

okay okay okay so i just watched the pbs great performances hamlet and it was. SO GOOD. oh my god. here are my many, many thoughts:

- the singing starting the show is fucking amazing

- the opening funeral scene and then the transition to the wedding goes so hard

- ophelia’s song having lines from hamlet’s letters to her .. …

- this polonius casting is GOD TIER like yeah. that’s what he looks like. that’s correct.

- i don’t like that they cut the opening ghost scene :/

- omg this horatio <33 i love him sm

- horatio’s black nail polish is everything to me

- ophelia is so hot oh my god

- i love a production that plays up the sibling dynamic between ophelia and laertes

- on that note, ophelia and laertes making fun of polonious is always so fun

- the modern aspects with masks and stuff are so interesting

- the ghost possessing hamlet???? oh my god i’m obsessed why have i never seen that done before

- the actor rolling his eyes back so that you only see the whites of his eyes while he’s possessed is so fucking cool

- i love productions that have hamlet cut his hand on his sword idk why i just do

- also horatio not even hesitating to cut his own hand? i’m insane

- ah fuck,,,, hamlet and horatio grasping each others bloody hands… horatio clasping hamlet’s hand with both his hands,, i’m unwell 😭

- gertrude and claudius being super horny for each other always makes me so uncomfortable

- these ros and guil costumes are great

- big fan of productions that make claudius be super charismatic it’s always such an interesting choice

- god this polonious is so good, he’s so fucking funny

- i love hamlet’s rings <3

- hamlet taking a selfie with the stacie abrams poster is crazy

- hamlet’s personalized handshakes with ros and guil are so cute

- it’s interesting that it’s fully set in america and that all the lines referencing denmark were cut out/changed

- i’m trying to figure out what hamlet was reading but i can’t and it’s driving me crazy 😩

- hamlet smacking polonious on the ass was crazy

- god i love a production that leans into the comedic aspects of this play,, it may be shakespeare’s most famous tragedy but it’s also funny as fuck sometimes

- the incorporation of singing/rapping throughout the show is so good

- also polonious as the one white guy in the room being like. ‘erm actually i don’t like the rapping 🤓☝️’ ,,, stfu man

- i need to know who wrote the lyrics for these songs bc they’re so good and they incorporate the original text so well

- fucking hell man,, his to be or not to be was amazing

- the “where’s your father” moment was so good

- oh my god horatio’s costume change,, the pink suit,,, i love him :’)

- i wish productions didn’t cut down the passions slave speech as much as they tend to do :/

- god ophelia’s dress is GORGEOUS

- polonious being the only one wearing a mask was wild but also so real (as someone who has often been the only person masked in a room)

- god this claudius is really good i appreciate the depth he brings to the role

- hmm interesting place for an intermission idk how i feel about this

- polonious in comfy clothing,, rest in peace peepaw 😭🫡

- polonious’ body lying on the bed during the entire closet scene is so fucked

- sometimes i wish i didn’t know this play so well so i could watch adaptions without noticing every single line they leave out,,,

- jfc,, hamlet wiping the blood off his knife onto the bedsheets,,,

- gertrude not hugging claudius back 👀

- claudius punching hamlet >:(

- idk how i feel about the decision to make ros and guil know about hamlet being sent to his death

- let’s be honest i’m mostly here for solea pfeiffer’s portrayal of ophelia’s madness

- the running makeup and the messy hair. YES.

- i hate that i have a certain melody to ophelia’s songs in my head so when i hear other versions with different melodies i’m like. hmm. incorrect.

- holy fuck she’s so incredible… the ophelia ever oh my god

- YESSSS INCLUSION OF THE HORATIO LETTER SCENE FUCK YEAH (i hate when adaptations don’t include this scene)

- horatio is reading the letter like omg pirates my boyfriend is so cool

- it’s always so funny to me that claudius and laertes make a plan, a backup plan, and a backup backup plan for killing hamlet and it still backfires and kills them both (i mean it does also work to kill hamlet. but still.)

- the portrait of king hamlet watching the entire show goes so hard

- this gravedigger is so amazing i’m obsessed

- ugh 😭 the singers singing the same song at ophelia’s funeral as at the king’s 😩

- oh FUCK ophelia coming out at her funeral.. the watery lighting… i’m going insane

- horatio holding hamlet and comforting him :(

- laertes apparently being able to see the ghost of ophelia makes him as a narrative foil to hamlet all the more juicy

- the eat a crocodile line is always so random lmao

- aw fuck…. laertes singing really got me… :(

- oh my GOD this osric is so fucking funny

- lmao osric beefing with horatio

- horatio in the background of the fencing match cheering on hamlet <3

- claudius standing and rubbing gertrude’s shoulders knowing she’s about to die :( this isn’t fair i’m not allowed to be emo about them

- hamlet offering laertes the sword and then laertes stabbing him with it,,,

- gertrude’s realization of what happened right before she dies was so good

- claudius cutting his own hand on the sword was a powerful choice

- it’s always funny to me when productions completely cut out the fortinbras plotline

- horatio catching hamlet as he falls :(

- horatio singing to hamlet after he dies… i am so incredibly unwell 😭😭

- THE GHOST WAS VOICED BY SAMUEL L. JACKSON?!?? crazy.

overall, amazing production. i loved the musical elements. definitely my favorite ophelia and polonius i’ve seen, possibly my favorite laertes and claudius as well. the hamlet/horatio relationship wasn’t quite as prominent as i would’ve liked it to be, but it was still really great, and i enjoyed analyzing all the little moments they did have.

[glowingbadger]

Okay folks, get ready for a Modern Au Fluffy Megapost~

Firstly, Sylvain and Dimitri have gotten a fluff post already that you can see here if you like! I'll think about whether I have anything to add that would be relevant to a Modern AU for them, but their sections are gonna be shorter as a result.

Yuri, Felix, Ashe x GN Reader

Fluffy relationship headcanons - SFW

Yuri:

- At first, it's not really in Yuri's base nature to be soft and gentle towards a lover. "Delicate" in the cunning, teasing sense, perhaps- but vulnerable and kind? Less so. Which is why it's a bizarre feeling for him when he finds himself wanting to be softer to you- wanting to comfort you and hold you and protect you. He doesn't really know what to do with this new-found tenderness at first, but it will start to manifest in how he treats you despite himself. His tone is completely different with you, he smiles to himself whenever he checks his phone to see you've messaged him, he starts saving songs you mention to listen to later- he simply can't help it.

- He won't let on that he's got quite a lovely singing voice for some time (he intentionally doesn't audition for musicals)- but one night, as your head rests on his lap as he reviews a script for the next play on campus that he's performing in, he starts quietly humming to himself. He stops as soon as he realizes you've noticed, but you carefully say, "I'm... pretty sure I recognize that song- how does the rest go?" He indulges you, humming the rest, even peppering in some of the lyrics. But by the end, he smiles with a quirked eyebrow and pokes your cheek playfully, "Don't think you fooled me with that line earlier- you couldn't repeat a single note of that song, you were just goading me into singing it."

- After this though, he does treat you to a song or two whenever you're upset or not feeling well. He knows that, with all of the complex and duplicitous relationships he's left behind him, it's a relief to finally have something he can give you that he's never willingly given to a partner before. So when you're sick or stressed or dealing with a mental health issue, he'll stroke your hair and sing softly to you, the quiet smile you wear tugging sweetly at his heart.

Dimitri:

(most of my thoughts are in the link above)

- Dimitri loves doing boyfriend tasks for you, like carrying heavy things (really any things) for you, reaching the top shelf, opening jars (he has broken one or two), and so on. He's the type to make sure to hold the umbrella over you even if it means he gets rained on.

- He's a clumsy texter, and his messages to you are always full of type-o's and ridiculous auto-corrects. He also has every voicemail you've ever left him saved on his phone and will listen to them when he hasn't seen you for a while.

Sylvain:

(once again, he's in the link up there)

- He sends you stupid memes of animals with "this is us" typed below. Most of his signs of affection are dumb and cute but goofy like that, and getting him to actually level with you and express his genuine love and care for you can be pretty rare.

- Sylvain secretly likes romcoms, like, a lot. He tries to brush it off, saying, "Oh you know, I've just seen a lot of them on dates." but his encyclopedic knowledge of their plots and cast suggest otherwise. Once he fesses up to you though, he refuses to meet your gaze and mutters, "it's just.. nice sometimes to think that a relationship can actually be like that, y'know?"

Felix:

- He's so bad at being soft, but he wants to be for you, but also doesn't want to be because ew feelings. Which he has a lot of. This is why the main way he expresses his affection is through physical contact. It's mostly in private, where he can be super cuddly with you- but in public, he'll still find times to lightly brush his hand against yours, or an excuse to "fix" your hair, mumbling, "It's flying all over the place, hold still-" even though it's really not that out of place, he just wants a reason to touch you.

- Felix is a funny one to bring your problems to. He's actually a surprisingly good listener for someone he cares about, so he's happy to just hold onto your hand and listen to you vent about whatever's bothering you. If it's an interpersonal problem, he'll probably offer to confront or straight up fight whoever is giving you trouble, which might at least get you to laugh, even though he fully means it. But for a more serious problem, he'll quietly wipe away your tears and remind you, "Hey, listen- you just... keep living your life as you, okay? You can't be anyone else, and I don't want you to be."

- He secretly loves it when you play with his hair. While he's studying or gaming, he likes to lean back against the edge of his bed or a couch and have you sitting behind him brushing out his hair, or even braiding or pulling it up for him if you like. He finds your touch incredibly soothing, and there have even been times when he's spaced out a bit and completely forgotten what he was doing because he was just enjoying your nails along his scalp and your fingers through his hair. Honestly, it's a bit like scratching a cat's ears- he'll even subconsciously lean against you if he's not careful.

Ashe:

- 'soft' is Ashe's default state in a relationship, and it is just the cutest. He wears his affections openly on his sleeve, and if you're upset or unwell, his concern is completely obvious. When you're sick, he'll immediately start looking up your symptoms and any possible solutions, and he's always got extra pillows and blankets to lend you. He knows your favorite snacks and movies by heart, and always has them on hand for off-days.

- He loves cooking for you, and cooking with you, if you're into it. There's something so intimate and domestic about making and enjoying meals together, and he has an uncanny way of making the best of even a crappy little college dorm/apartment kitchenette. Though, you're going to have to set some strict boundaries with your friends about date nights, because if you let them, your friends and his will swarm to his cooking and mooch off of the fruits of your labor- and we all know Ashe is too nice to say no.

- Ashe absolutely wants to own a pet with you. Perhaps even before moving in together, he'll help you select a small, low maintenance pet, and he'll always be delighted to come visit it and help you take care of it. If you're living together, he definitely wants a cat or a small dog, and he's a total pet-dad about it. He'll give them cute little bandanas to wear, experiment with which brand of food they seem to like best and so on. He gets a bit shy if you tease him about his doting, but ultimately, he'll just kiss your cheek or forehead and say, "I just want to take care of you both as best I can, that's all."

[myhoneststudyblr]

every single student in the world has likely procrastinated at some point - i know i definitely have! sometimes i think it can be quite helpful because means that you don't spend every minute of every day studying... but on the other hand, it can become very hard to beat. there are so many advice posts in the community on this topic but i thought that i would share my own tips! 

disclaimer: everyone studies differently and these are my personal tips. they may not work for you but they can be a good starting point 

What is Procrastination?

i found this little summary of procrastinating on the internet and thought it completely covered everything that i wanted to say on this point:

Procrastination is the habit of delaying an important task, usually by focusing on less urgent, more enjoyable, and easier activities instead. It is different from laziness, which is the unwillingness to act.

Procrastination can restrict your potential and undermine your career. It can also disrupt teamwork, reduce morale, and even lead to depression and job loss. So, it's crucial to take proactive steps to prevent it.

The first step to overcoming procrastination is to recognize that you're doing it. Then, identify the reasons behind your behavior and use appropriate strategies to manage and overcome it.

- How to Stop Procrastinating by Mindtools

so what is learnt from this is that:

procrastination is not being lazy 

it is avoiding tasks by doing other easier tasks

it can have negative effects

you need to proactively take steps to avoid it 

first, recognise the procrastinating then use strategies to break the cycle

Conventional Tips

these are the basic tips that are some of the most well-known strategies for ending procrastination and can be some of the most important steps!

1. get organised. tidy up your desk to study space because there is nothing worse than having to work in a place that is chaotic and mess. collect the information you need for the task, for example, notes you've made or a textbook. 

2. to-do lists are your friend. a lot of people (including me) really struggle with timetables for studying because it can seem really structured and there is no flexibility or real allowance for things that may crop up during the day (your food takes longer to cook, you have to unexpectedly do a task around the house, you get a really bad headache and need to take a break). in my opinion, to-do lists help solve this problem! you can clearly see the tasks that you want to get done for the day but you don't have stressful time constraints. personally, i always use todoist to keep track of everything. to-do lists also make it easier to break tasks down

3. break the task down. one of the biggest cause of procrastination is having a huge task or project ahead of you because it seems really daunting and where on earth are you even going to start? so break it down *completely*. in your to-do list, don't just write ‘german homework’, write down even task that you need to do within it and be specific: for example ‘pg. 11 ex 4a, 4b and 4c’, ‘textbook listening task on pg. 47′ and ‘250-word essay on social media in Germany’. breaking it down makes the tasks seem more attainable and when you’ve done one and you can cross it off your list, it gives you a boost to keep going

4. eliminate distractions. this is a big one. even if you do all of the above, if you are constantly being distracted by things, you aren't going to get much done. try to find a place that is quiet enough that you can focus and you feel comfortable studying in. as well as this you need to think about what to do with your phone as the likelihood is that this will be the most distracting thing. you can simply turn it off, put on do not disturb, leave it in another room or use and app like forest (that last one is what i use and i don't know where i would be without it!)

5. use incentives. finishing a task is an achievement so treat it like one! before you study, decide on something that you will give yourself as a reward for doing it. this may be watching that new episode of your favourite programme or a tasty snack! 

6. set timers. don't just launch yourself into a task, because that again can make it seem daunting and feel unending. rather, set a timer for a specific time because you’ll know that you just need to focus for that specific length of time and then you can go take a break and do something nice. for timing your study sessions, you could use the Pomodoro technique 

7. allow for breaks (but try to avoid long ones). you are not a machine and as much as it would be great to be able to, you cant study for hours on end without giving your mind a break from focusing. so schedule in break time for yourself, particularly for times that you know your motivation dips, and do something nice. but be very careful that you don't accidentally slip back into procrastinating habits and keep breaks short. unless you are very disciplined it is unlikely that an hour-long break will stay just an hour.

8. know how you study but don’t be afraid to mix it up. everyone studies differently and so there are going to be some study methods that work better for some than others. so try to make sure that you are studying smart and that you aren't wasting your own time cause that can be incredibly unmotivating. HOWEVER, if there is anything that I’ve learnt from online school its that doing the same task all the time, every day is mind-numbingly boring and you just want to do anything else. so try to switch up what you are doing. if you usually just type notes from the textbook, maybe try doing it in a mindmap one week, or on flashcards, maybe do some practise questions to keep your mind engaged. 

9. play music. now this one really depends on the person and how you study. some people need absolute silence and that is fine, but others need something to fill the silence or maybe cover up background noise (for example if you live in a busy household). try to pick music however that is not going to distract you - the key tips for this is to pick music without lyrics. this can be classical music, video game music, or general ‘chill’ music (there are so many playlists out there for chill studying music). i personally listen to Francesco Parrino religiously while studying because he does piano covers of pop songs, so i know the songs and enjoy them but there are no lyrics that can distract me 

10. stay hydrated, well-rested and not hungry. this is part of eliminating distractions because if you are thirsty, you are going to be thinking about how you want a drink; if you are tired, you are going to be thinking about how tired you are; if you are hungry, you are going to be thinking about what you want for lunch or whatever. make sure you are hydrated, well-rested and not hungry so you can focus solely on your task or work.

Unconventional Tips

these are some slightly more unusual tips that you might not have seen before but that I've nevertheless found very useful!

1. video yourself or do a timelapse. this is something that I’ve only recently done because i saw a tip on this from someone during my quarantine challenge and thought that it would be cool to do. and it really works! i did it twice once when i was typing notes and a second time when i was handwriting notes and it really made me focus on what is as doing because the video put some pressure on me to look like i was properly studying - i could take a 5-minute break in the middle of my work to mess around with my pen, I just had to keep going so it really forces you to do the work. also watching the video when i was done made me really proud cause i had visual proof of how much i completed!

2. accept that some days you are going to get very little done. this may seem a little bit odd to put on a post that is meant to avoid getting nothing done but it’s actually a very important thing to remember. sometimes you need to take days off because otherwise you are going to burnout and some days you are just not going to be in the right mindset for studying because maybe you are exhausted after a big exam, or you have a headache or you feel unwell. you just need to accept it, draw a line under it, take time for yourself, and resolve yourself to work tomorrow once you feel a bit better. there is no shame in taking time to make sure you stay healthy. if you can, try to get your quickest, easiest task done so you have some sense of accomplishment.

3. ‘churn it out and f**k off’. this was my mum’s motto when she was studying and working in academia. and she recently told it to me when i was getting stressed about all the big tasks during online school. i am a perfectionist and i always want to hand in my very best work, put 100% into everything, but honestly that is impossible. some days you just need to get stuff done and if that isn't your very best then it doesn't matter too much because at least you got it done. and once you get it done you can just forget about it.

4. ask a friend or parent to check up on you. when you are studying by yourself it can be hard to motivate yourself because you know that no ones actually going to check whether you made those votes or did the reading, so ask a friend or someone you live with to check whether you've done the work or get them to read essays. you then get an external reason to study or do your tasks because you need to show them something.

5. rephrase how you think of tasks. when you think that ‘you need to do this task’ or ‘you have to get this done’, a lot of the time this causes unneeded stress and anxiety that is not going to help you at all. also it makes it seem like you are being forced to do something and human beings generally don't act great when they are forced to do something. so try to change your language when thinking about task into one that is more forgiving such as ‘i choose to do this project so that i can go meet my friends tomorrow’ and ‘i choose to read this book now because it will help me in the lecture next week’. this is probably the most difficult strategy on this list and it will take a lot of practice (i am certainly still practising it) but in the long term, it can help you change the way in which you view studying for the better. 

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i hope this was helpful and that these tips will be useful, and perhaps you've discovered some new ones! if anyone has anything to add please feel free to reply or reblog with the advice <3

[rosethornewrites]

Fic: Playing with Fire

Relationship: Juleka Couffaine/Rose Lavillant

Characters: Lila Rossi, Rose Lavillant, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Juleka Couffaine, Alya Césaire, Ivan Bruel, Chloé Bourgeois, Luka Couffaine, Principal Damocles, Caline Bustier, Penny Rolling, Jagged Stone, Clara Nightingale, Fang

Additional Tags: Lila salt, Good Chloé Bourgeois, Uncle Jagged Stone, Emotional Support Crocodile, Principal Damocles salt, Bustier salt

Summary: Lila tries to break up Kitty Section. It doesn't go as planned. Salty.

Notes: Had this stuck in my head as an idea. There’s been a trope of Luka being kicked out of Kitty Section because of Lila pulling something like this. Except I don’t think she’d get that far with it. Also, every time I hear this song it makes me think of Lila.

AO3 link

She's got a history of making a scene, yeah

She's telling stories she’s gaslighting

-The Interrupters

“Are you sure it’s… appropriate for an older boy like Luka to be in Kitty Section?”

Marinette froze in the middle of taking a bite of a croissant as Lila’s words floated across the courtyard, her mind filled suddenly with the desire to shriek at the liar, even knowing that would backfire as it always did. She wanted to defend Luka. If Adrien was here rather than at a photo shoot, he’d see Lila was actually trying to hurt people with this.

She barely realized she’d stopped breathing until she started coughing, and that nearly sent the bite of food down the wrong tube. By the time she’d recovered, she had missed any response from the present members of Kitty Section, and Lila was talking again.

“I’m just concerned, is all. I’ve told you I’m like Jagged Stone’s favorite person, right? I know a few people in the industry, really. And some of the execs just don’t sign bands if there’s such a big age gap between members. Like you three and Luka.”

Marinette put down the croissant, trying to build her courage. She could defend Luka.

“But Luka’s Juleka’s brother,” Rose said, looking concerned.

“Yeah, that can look even weirder.”

Marinette started to stand up, but then she caught a Look that passed between the couple. At times they were so in sync it was scary.

Juleka glanced her way, shook her head minutely, and quirked a half-smirk as though to say, We got this.

“You must have worked with some amazing people, Lila!” Rose gushed.

Her admiration sounded just a touch off, but Lila was too busy preening to notice.

“I have. Clara Nightingale texts me all the time.”

“Oh, I have an idea,” Juleka said, her voice faux shy. “I-I mean, if you don’t mind? Like can we try guessing the artists you know? Like a game?”

Lila’s smile widened. “Oh, that sounds like so much fun!”

Marinette carefully kept her face blank, picking at her croissant and ignoring the pitying look Alya sent her way from her seat beside Lila. It wouldn’t do to give the game away.

Ivan’s expression had also gone blank, as though he too knew what was up and wanted to see what happened.

“Oh! I have one. 30 Seconds to Mars?” Rose asked.

Lila shook her head. “No, but I know their producer.”

“What about My Chemical Romance?” It was Juleka’s turn.

“Yeah, they’re a silly bunch,” Lila said with a giggle. “I dated the lead singer for a few months. We’re still friends.”

Marinette had to stop herself from snorting—like an artist in his 40s was going to date a teenager! But clearly Lila only knew the band name and that they were popular among teens.

But apparently the game wasn’t over, and Rose made another guess. In the next three minutes, Lila told them all about three songs written for her and exotic concert venues. Some of the smiles of their classmates were becoming a bit forced as they recognized band names and knew more about them than the liar. Marinette knew enough about music to know that every single band they’d named had sibling members.

“The Carpenters?” Juleka eventually asked.

By the way Lila’s face brightened, Marinette could guess she definitely knew they were famous and would make a great story.

“Oh my gosh, we’re so close! I helped them write some of the lyrics for their most recent album!”

Alya made a choking noise, and while trying not to crack up Marinette realized the girl had finally caught one of the lies.

Chloé was suddenly hissing in her ear, “Put the call on speaker when it rings,” before she moved toward the stairs to the classroom.

Marinette glanced at her suspiciously, but was immediately drawn back to the show when Juleka crossed her arms and laughed.

The smile on Lila’s face faltered for a moment, before returning with a look of confusion. “Did I say something funny?”

“Their last album came out in 1981, so unless you’re secretly like 50 years old pretending to be a teenager like I’m guessing you’ve pretended everything else, it’s hilarious,” Juleka drawled loudly, her shyness momentarily absent in her glee.

In the stunned silence, during which Lila’s face twitched and turned an interesting array of colors, Marinette’s phone rang.

The screen read Uncle Jagged.

Marinette blinked, suddenly realizing what Chloé had meant, and—

Chloé had gotten Jagged to call her?!

She answered the call, putting it on speaker. “Um, hello?”

“Marinette! Where’s the fire?! Drive faster, Penny!” He sounded almost frantic.

“Fire?” She asked.

“I heard my favorite niece is having an emergency. What’s wrong?”

“I’m just at school, Uncle Jagged,” she said, putting emphasis on his name and taking joy in how Lila’s face turned a mottled white. “Having lunch and a show. Are you in Paris?”

“The school? Penny, she’s at the school.” Jagged’s voice was distant as he talked to his assistant, then came back full force. “Hang tight. Uncle Jagged and Aunt Penny are coming. Clara’s here, too!”

The line went dead.

Lila stood abruptly. “Oh, I just remembered, I need to—”

Ivan put his hands on her shoulders gently, suddenly behind her. “Sit.”

The Italian’s eyes darted around the table, finding no sympathy. She sat. Ivan kept his hands on her shoulders, not quite menacing.

Chloé’s laugh rang out from above, and Marinette glanced up to see that the blonde had M. Damocles and Mme. Bustier in tow.

“What is it you need us to see, Mlle. Bourgeois?” the principal demanded. “We were enjoying lunch.”

Jagged sprinted through the entrance, Fang on a leash and easily keeping up. “Marinette! I came right away!”

“M. Stone!” M. Damocles sounded a bit strangled. “You cannot bring that… creature on school property!”

“Can so. Fang’s my emotional support crocodile!”

Penny trotted up from behind him and handed a slip of paper to the principal.

Clara was behind Penny, looking concerned as she approached. “Marinette, are you unwell? I hear for us you’ve a tale to tell.”

Marinette’s face grew warm. “I’m okay, Clara. I’m not sure why Jagged thought there was an emergency.”

Chloé let out an irritated huff. “Because there was. The entire class was being seduced by a liar’s pretty stories, and that thot was bullying you.”

Jagged let out an outraged string of what sounded like they could be curse words if they were pronounced in a non-Cockney accent.

Eventually he scanned the courtyard. “Okay, which of you has been bullying my niece? It’s time for Fang’s lunch, anyway.”

“We don’t have the paperwork to cover that, Jagged,” Penny commented, though she too was leveling a hard stare at the students.

“Bullying certainly isn’t cool. Why was it allowed in this school?” Clara took a seat next to Marinette, taking one of her hands. “You of all people deserve much better: why, you’re a wonderful budding trend-setter.”

A lump was forming in Marinette’s throat; she’d spent so long being strong while all of this had been going on, figuring no one would believe her. But Chloé, of all people, had brought in the cavalry.

Juleka was the one to finally answer Jagged, pointing at Lila. “She’s the one. Just tried to convince me to kick my own brother out of our band and claimed she helped the Carpenters write their last album.”

Jagged studied Juleka for a moment. “You’re Anarka’s kid, yeah? ’Course you’ve got a band. Music’s in your blood.”

Then he turned to Lila. “So what other tall tales has this one been making up?”

Nathaniel opened his sketchbook. “That she’s best friends with Ladybug, has arthritis, got tinnitus saving your kitten from a runaway airplane, you wrote a song about her—“

“A kitten? A song? I’ve never seen that brat in all my life.”

“I mean, there’s more. But she also told us that Clara texts her all the time earlier.”

Clara’s expression turned stormy. “Using my name to borrow fame? I truly think you have no shame! The rest of this class needn’t lie, for they’ve all danced at my side!”

“She was pretending to be in Achu when we participated in your music video, Mlle. Nightingale,” Rose offered softly. “She’s also claimed to know Prince Ali, but I bet if I texted him right now we’d learn that’s a lie, too.”

Chloé scoffed, turning to M. Damocles and Mme. Bustier. “Did you even look into her claims about being in Achu, or having disabilities?”

The principal stuttered an excuse, while their teacher turned pale.

“It seems the school has dropped the ball. Her parents they should try to call.”

Lila chose that moment to push away from the table and out of Ivan’s reach, fleeing from the school as though her ugly-ass romper was on fire.

Marinette sighed. Volpina, take three, was likely on the horizon.

But as her classmates gathered around her apologizing, Alya sitting beside her and hugging her, she could feel it was all going to be okay.

Especially if she got to smack Lila around a little when she was akumatized.

I’m a match, she’s kerosene

You know she’s gonna burn down everything

She’s an arsonist in her pastime

And I’ve been burned for the last time

-The Interrupters

[ranvwoop]

TALK ABOUT AMERICAN HEALTHCARE I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHY IT'S THERE BUT I WANNA HEAR THE EXPLANATION ALSO THE ONLY HOUSE THAT"S NOT ON FIRE (YET) FOR THE SAME REASON I JUST WANNA SEE THE ANALYSIS:TM: IF U WANT I WANNA SEE IF I GOT IT RIGHT :D

Hi :DDD. Thank u for asking,,,, I have many thoughts. I am sorry in advance. This is one of those things I will put under a readmore because I am into rambling. IT GOT A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED IM SORRY. Like. a lot. It was 4 pages in google docs because i dont trust tumblr to save my drafts

Okay a lot of my Ranboo thoughts are about the syndicate / boreal trio / peerpressure duo. But you’re probably aware I am a Them enthusiast first and both a dsmp enjoyer and person second. Because. I really like the syndicate. I also don’t have too too many thoughts on the more recent lore past the experiments. Once the in character monologues stopped, so did my brain. I communicate through monologue to monologue communication.

American Healthcare is actually gonna be the main reason why this is so long bc it works Very Much for like three different reasons. One sorta niche and abstracter reason is a stream that was basically never elaborated on back in March, either the day after or very close to the peerpressure Egg confrontation stream. The egg called him a coward (for some reason my brain can Only come up with the “stop saying i look like chicken little. he’s dumb, and a coward, and i am NOT a coward” vine), and he is not a coward, so he decided to make an action plan to bring the server together by acting as a mediator for all parties and try to make sure that everyone is happy, because he’s the only one that can see all sides, or something. This was where he said the big happy family™ line but other than Ranboo Become Dream?? analysis nothing else really happened and everything went along as normal.

(I also always held a little bit of suspicion on this stream actually and thought it might be the influence of the egg, because it says it can give one whatever they want, and ranboo wants to make everyone happy and this was a totally foolproof way of doing that. Sort of in a similar way that BBH is convinced that his plan will totally make Skeppy happy. But also Ranboo is just like that, but this felt a little more on the nose than usual and he did fall into the egg and made his decisions after being egged on by it, buT WE’LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

… also I really wanted to see more egg conflict at the time. Peerpressure rlly got involved in the egg plot for cameos at the banquet and nothing else. I do not blame anyone and respect the ccs for all of their attempts to weave plots together but also. also…. we.. we coulda had so much…)

That was a little off topic from the point, but… he really just thinks he can save the sick… he can see that everyone on the server is unwell and is wrong but, y’know, look inwardly, the unwell is coming from inside the house. And an inherent problem of the way that the server runs. And if this is still lowkey in effect or not (idk man a) ranboo has monologued a lot I simply chose a one off from march to grow emotionally attached to and b) i think that my brain has shut off once ranboo stopped solo lore streams), it would probably go the way that most choosing to change the system from the inside goes. Which is the point of the song and stuff! He will inevitably decide what’s too far, whether he will either admit it’s a choice or just feel that it’s what he has to do. The, uh, dealing with the devil, to be polite.

in conclusion (but we are not close to done here i’m holding you for a bit longer), i think a lot about that stream and i think that shows what he wants to be, at the very least, and continuing down that path would definitely go into being far more trouble than just a noble goal of wanting to help people, from negotiating with corruption (The lobbyists, the Congressmen and lies bit) and that the server can’t really be brought together and saved like that (When things are more and more this way / Sometimes it's like they'd rather die)

THE LESS. vwoop why have you written an unnecessarily long post about one stream in your playlist character analysis reason is both more literal and piece by piece and also Syndicate, My Beloved, you know the drill. We are going line by line because I have a lot of feelings about American Healthcare, apparently.

This also comes back to that everyone on the server is doing Really Badly, all of the time, but mostly his time in L’Manburg. For one, he is pretty complacent in everything and doesn’t really accomplish much in terms of actual change, so like Well people die every day / I wouldn't have it any other way / I just think they should feel good while they are alive. An example of this is Exiled Tommy — who I’d also metaphorically put as the dead man just for funsies, since Tommy’s whole exile thing was one of the first things Ranboo experienced on the server—as he did try to be friends with Tommy and keep him company with his letters, but he still has no power over the actual issue at hand. Just trying to make it a bit more bearable. Similarly is Techno, while Ranboo still participated in the butcher army that was trying to kill him, he helped in the meantime until he “died”.

And then it’s the Realization that participating in the system doesn’t really help much, and the subsequent Everything. It could be getting mad at the whole government system and that he didn’t mean to contribute to the harm, or how he fought with Fundy using hs ideology but not in the way that Ranboo thought. It could also be standing up to his hallucination Dream, in that he doesn’t try this hard to be a good person just to be accused of helping with all of the things that he may or may not have helped with. (That is… a discussion for not right now, I don’t know.) And I think this sort of area is also where it’s like they’d rather die is also relevant, cause Doomsday. Nobody could just set aside their governments and just get along, though Ranboo had his own solution to fighting and things.

And then he joins the Syndicate! And the lyrics of the song are directly Government Bad, because government bad. Canon anarchist, has done things that he’s not proud of as a part of the government. The lines it was the government / … It got louder over the years / Until all that I could hear was flies and all.

But honestly I think in the Syndicate he’s still trying to “save the sick”! Because the Syndicate don’t All fit eye to eye either. He’s the token pacifist, and a vote against violence whenever it comes down to it. Not all anarchists are violent but Techno and Phil will probably react strongly when provoked, due to All the past events, and I live in a world where their trauma and issues get talked about as much as everyone else’s. Since everything is decided by vote it’d probably be split between them and Ranboo + Niki, who is in her healing/no longer resorting to murder arc. He’ll help them negotiate and then everything will Be Okay, ideally.

(Also I just like the idea of Ranboo believing that he is helping the people he’s living with because canonically cc!Ranboo has said he just really cares about his family and the syndicate are included in his family shut up but they also just believe they’re helping him and yes it’s self indulgent. I care them. Particularly Endduo, actually, or whatever they're called, I am not bold enough to think Ranboo looks at Techno and thinks I Can Fix Him, but. Philza Minecraft will one day talk about his feelings. One day.)

There’s also radioduo and beeduo as of recent— really I’m just saying I think that Ranboo constantly has a Need To Help People, believes he can do it, and it will come back to hurt him in the end (except for the Syndicate because I’m in denial. The Syndicate can’t fall out if they never stream together :) ).

THIS CONCLUDES THE AMERICAN HEALTHCARE PORTION OF OUR SHOW.

The Only House That’s Not on Fire Yet !! I like this one. This is also blatantly there cause Syndicate. They are the only faction that is not actively falling apart, and this could absolutely be because they never stream together. But I do not care. However we are also going to go through this one piece by piece because we’re nearing 1500 words here and I might as well embarrass myself more. I am writing an incredibly informal essay about Ranboo My _Beloved (i assume his middle name is My, and he’s just one of those people who write his full full name) and this is the third page. If you’re still reading this, I’m sorry. Here we go.

There are lines that just seem like an unwell but recovering person, and I like to sort of think that way about Ranboo in the arctic during the down time. “I feel knotted up today / But in a most exquisite way” and “I feel strangely regular / But honestly I prefer it to / The usual bizarre” are just! He’s just hanging out. He’s doing good. There is the acknowledgement that he’s usually not doing well, and all of the episodes that he’s had in the past, and it’s probably strange to be doing well in the midst of everything, and there’s probably something impending, but now? He’s doing good!

The verses directly after both of those ones are about uncertainty and trust and such, and I feel like that’s not necessarily about just One relationship but all of them. Will cause problems as long as he has an accomplice. He is not confident but he trusts and loves people.

“This suit doesn’t fit me / I made it conterfeitly” I just like to think about Ranboo in his fancy suit, but it’s just a little wrong because he actually has no idea what he’s doing. I also like to think about Ranboo in a cape to fit in with boreal trio and later the syndicate, and emerald duo had matchy blue outfits from the Antarctic Empire… and trying to fit in with them…. or maybe They make him something.. You know. Much to think about.

“Killing me with déjà vu” I think is like. A little less fun, because despite how well things are going, the enderwalk is still not resolved and he had even less answers when I started thinking “this is a ranboo song”. Just as it relates to having a strange sense of reality and stuff, which goes into specifics of enderwalk headcanons, which would make this far longer. Even though I’ve framed it as a negative, there is also the more positive note of “Oh! I just thought of how to change all the hate / Into love with the old switcheroo / Dancing in my déjà vu / You'll be dancing too” which I’d rather explain broken up but I feel like as it’s a full verse it should be together. The first part is connected to my general thoughts of him explained earlier tbh, he’s trying Very Hard to make everyone happy and fix things. And adding the second part to it is just like! He is trying to make sense of everything, and it’s not so scary as time goes by. Since the experiments where he’s been (questionably) trying to be more comfortable and get more answers.

This was very long. I am sorry. I am ending it here and probably not going to do much formatting to make it readable because it is very late o’clock and also this is four pages and 2000 words I am so sorry. But if you read this far then. Uhhh thank. ^v^.

[blindedbythedarkness]

Josh,

I guess it’s fair to say I’m feeling pretty weird right now. It also hasn’t been helped by the fact when I was thinking earlier about writing to you, my brain decided to remind me of the little gem of info that this time last year Josh had less than a month to live. Cheers, brain. Way to help me feel better. As you can probably imagine that in itself makes me feel fucking bizarre. It’s horrible to think we were so close to losing you and had no clue. It makes me think again about how you were both so healthy and yet so unwell and just leaves a horrid taste in my mouth.

Anyway, there was some other stuff that made me feel weird that I wanted to talk about too. Firstly, the other night should have been Eurovision night, although given the virus apocalypse right now it didn’t really happen. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to watch any of the appreciation program that they did have on. Eurovision last year was one of the best and last memories I have of you and yet again I’m afraid of risking mentally “taping over” it. Unlike many memories I can absolutely believe it was a year ago now as it’s covered in the faded haze that all memories are that came before your death.

Man, that was such a good night. Chilling on a bed of pillows and blankets. A whole pile of snacks that we’d all brought. I think we all got takeaway too. Was that the first time you and B brought coke especially for me? I think it might have been. That was so sweet of you. I can still picture it now; me sitting with my legs stretched out on the bed (you always allowed me to stay there because of my bad back). A on one side of me and E and I on the other. You in that big, fancy, red gaming chair that you were so smug about. B and J on the floor in the corner in a little pillow fort of their own. There were so many of us you had planned to make sure that you could show Eurovision on two separate monitors. Just another thoughtful thing you did. It was warm and cosy and dark, apart from the glare of the screens and the fairy lights above your bookcase (B’s handiwork of course). I think I held Flaffy for most the night, too. You usually let me. They were cute and something to fiddle with. I can still feel the soft, but slightly worn wool of their body in my hands. The little felt hat they wore and the small bobbles that were stuck to it. The tiny fluffy pompom on the top, that just wasn’t quite on centre. The visual memories may fade, but I can still sense other parts like it was yesterday. I remember that the whole thing seemed to go far too quickly and how we spent the break when the phone lines were open watching our favourite acts ever on YouTube. You were also way to excited about showing us this song that had lyrics along the lines of “Oooh you touched my tra lala. Ooh my dinky dong.” (You can’t see me right now but I’m rolling my eyes and laughing at that part.) Oh then when you put on Verka Seduchka and we danced and sang along to it, much to the confusion of I. 

I remember thinking as we sat there that this is just what I’d always wished I’d had. A whole group of friends that I loved every one of. Being able to have actual parties for big events. It was the thing people always seemed to talk about but I had never experienced before. I suppose it’s a beautiful, poetic irony that I had no idea it wouldn’t even last another month. It was a good fucking night, Josh. But my God it hurts to remember it now, knowing everything that was coming. Like a happy photo framed by slowly burning edges.

I guess it’s kind of understandable given how weird I’ve been feeling that I’ve suddenly developed the desire to see that house again. It started in a dream I had the other night when a girl I used to know showed up with an album of pictures of it and I found myself asking her if I could have a few. The girl, I should mention, was one who dropped out of school aged 13 after trying to kill herself. I guess that’s significant; you must all be stored in the same region of my brain. A little squad of neurons having a suicide party (I have to laugh). Yesterday, I tried to find pictures online. I was hoping there would be some from last time it was up for rent, but I couldn’t find anything. In the end I settled on the single picture of the outside I could find. And I just stared at it. For ages. I don’t know why. 

It sounds fucking weird to say that looking at a google maps image of the house you lived in when you made the decision to kill yourself brought me comfort. But it did. On the one hand I think my brain was trying to comprehend the scale of the decision you made within its walls. But equally, I think it brought me peace that a part of me could go back there. As though through staring at it I could imagine I had just pulled up there on a Saturday evening for another night of board games and vine compilations and everything this past year had just been a horrible nightmare. I think for just a second it allowed me to be back there. It wasn’t a nostalgia for better times; my brain was back in better times. I suppose that’s why I wanted to see your room again so badly too. I just wanted one more chance at the happiness I felt when I had been there. It’s funny the things you will do for a few minutes peace I suppose.

Anyway, that’s why I’m feeling weird right now, Josh. I guess I at least feel better for sharing it with you. Love always.

C

[magpiedminx]

From above :    PSA on Britney Spears and the #FreeBritney movement for anyone that needs or wants more information on what is going on with her. It’s a fucking rabbit hole, so buckle up. A little backstory first. Britney was a child star starting at the age of 4 years old on Broadway, and then worked her way to the Mickey Mouse Club, and eventually the solo career we know today. Her career has been on autopilot her entire life. If you look back at her music, she’s been telling everyone for years she’s too controlled and treated as a product if you listen to the lyrics of most of her hits. Examples include: Lucky, Overprotected, My Perogative, Circus, Piece of Me and Gimme More. Her music videos, social media posts, tour props and photoshoots regularly show her in a cage or in chains. If anyone has ever seen videos of her when she was younger, you’d know her REAL singing voice is very similar to Christina Aguilera’s. Her record label didn’t like it, as they were both on the Mickey Mouse Club and about to release their debut albums at the same time. So they had her voice retrained to sing in the baby voice we all know today because they believed it to be more iconic and would create a brand and career for her instead of her real voice. It’s unhealthy, and it’s been destroying her voice over the years, thus why she is known for lip syncing. She wanted to make an acoustic type pop album in 2006 titled Original Doll and reinvent herself using her real voice. The album was shelved and cancelled once her label realized she would be singing in her real voice. She isn’t allowed to sing live because she will either fail terribly, or she’ll have to sing in her deep voice that she isn’t known for. Her entire career she has been treated like a product meant to sell. Now, for the real tea. Everyone remembers the 2007 meltdown. Everyone. Leading up the meltdown Britney was going thru a public divorce, had two children under the age of 2 at the time and was VERY much the focus of the public. We all saw her on every magazine cover. We all also saw the photo of her with one of her kids on her lap while driving. Go on YouTube once and look up ‘Britney Spears paparazzi’. You’ll watch her be chased and followed by hundreds of them, even trying to get into a public restroom to photograph her, videotaping her in tears asking them to leave her alone, and even filming her thru the windows of an ambulance while she was naked being taken away for her final mental health hold. After the public meltdown, shaving her head, locking herself in her home with her children, speaking in a british accent on regular basis, wearing the imfamous pink wig everywhere, and shopping naked, she was hospitalized twice. After the hospitalization, her father petitioned the courts to be a TEMPORARY conservator to her until she was mentally stable and for only one years time. 2 months after her hospitalization she did a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother. 6 months after her hospitalization, she drops the Womanizer video and starts to promote her new album Circus with its worldwide tour that grossed $131.8 million. If she’s so unwell, why did she start working right away? Her father after one year petitioned the courts for the conservatorship to become permanent due to her ALLEGEDLY having EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA in her TWENTIES. It passed and has been that way ever since. For 12 years to be exact. Now for everyone that doesn’t understand what that means let me break it down for you. Britney Spears is a now 38 year old woman who is not allowed to do the following without her fathers permission or he can legally lock her up in a mental health facility: • drive a car • vote • get married • have children • spend HER OWN MONEY • see how her money is being spent • see her children (she has 30% custody of both of her boys due to her dad assaulting one of her sons) • leave her home • hire her own lawyer • have any control over her career • speak about the conservatorship publicly • do interviews that aren’t scripted and all final cuts are approved by her father as well • use a cell phone without being monitored • use social media unmonitored • contact ANYONE without being monitored or having them extremely vetted. (Iggy Azalea allegedly had her house searched for drugs top to bottom when they collaborated on a song together) • go shopping • go for a walk • get Starbucks A conservatorship is meant for people with mental health issues or decaying health. Most likely grandparents or people with actual dementia etc. They are meant for people who literally cannot take care of themselves. If she is so unwell that she isn’t mentally capable of doing anything for herself, why is she still working? Since the conservatorship began 12 years ago she has: • released 4 albums • done 3 worldwide tours • did a FOUR-year Vegas residency • was a full time judge on X-Factor • released multiple perfumes and a lingerie line • made $138 MILLION DOLLARS or so A YEAR In January of last year, Britney was placed in a mental health facility for 3 months after being seen driving her car to In-N-Out with her boyfriend without permission and for refusing to take the sedating medications her father has doctors prescribing her to keep her under control. She testified to a judge in documents that she was held there against her will by her father. After it was leaked to the press that she was there against her will, the Free Britney movement picked up speed causing a judge to open an investigation into the impact and legality her conservatorship has on her life. Britney’s mother Lynn was also liking and commenting on Free Britney posts saying she agrees that Britney is trapped by her father. Britney’s team had Twitter disable the Free Britney hashtag, and regularly threatens any celebrity that speaks out using the hashtag with a lawsuit if they don’t remove their support for the movement. She was seen shortly after leaving a hotel thru the front door (99% of celebrities park underground to avoid paparazzi unless they WANT to be photographed) stumbling while carrying her shoes, and out of it. Her team used that moment to justify to the public that she needs this conservatorship. She is not allowed to have any say in the hiring or firing of anyone on her team. Every year she pays $1.1 million dollars in fees for the conservatorship to continue, including paying her father a solid $100k+ salary and paying a lawyer she isn’t allowed to choose. She is allowed an allowance of around $1,500 a week for bills, shopping and essentials. Her net worth is $250 million. So, when everyone sees her on Instagram walking up and down her hallways like it’s a fashion show. That’s all she is allowed to do. She has NEVER had control over her life. I don’t care if you personally like her or her music, NO ONE DESERVES THIS. All this woman wants is to see her children, make the music she wants to make, and go get a frappuccino in her car. She is a light of sunshine in this world, and we must protect her at all costs. So please, do not make fun of her, support the Free Britney movement, and send good vibes her way. She has a court date this month to review the conservatorship and decide if it is abusive or will continue to be in place. There are so many details to this that i left out that would make this post entirely much longer than it is, but a simple search will show you what else is out there. Spread this far and wide. ❤️ Free Britney Edited to add some important links! Here’s a google doc of info https://docs.google.com/document/d/17jeZV78SCwgQGsOkad0H0PA8jqjgRsxgSqD9f_f1yAk/edit Petition by Danny H: https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/conservatorship-and-civil-liberties-britney-spears Screenshots of leaked emails, voicemails, and other helpful links: https://www.businessinsider.com/inside-britney-spears-conservatorship-freebritney-movement-2020-2 https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2019-09-17/britney-spears-conservatorship-free-britney https://www.forbes.com/sites/trialandheirs/2019/05/15/making-sense-of-the-britney-spears-conservatorship-and-freebritney/#5ce808c94b74 Jayden going on Instagram live reporting they were being abused by his grandfather: https://theblast.com/c/britney-spears-son-jayden-james-instagram-live-video-free-britney This is a news article from USA Today about her father’s child abuse allegations filed by Kevin Federline. He reportedly had an altercation with Sean in September 2019: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.usatoday.com/amp/2362531001 Source from the opposing view pointing to the success of her conservatorship and that fans are wrong, I think it's weird she has made no formal appearances to contest the conservatorship in court but she said (link above) we were not being told the truth and the media is being manipulated: https://www.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/celebrities/2019/10/24/britney-spears-why-does-she-still-need-conservator/2288009001/ There's a lot of money at stake to keep her in this situation. Just seems too convenient that she can't care for herself considering her net worth, and considering the fact her male counterparts of equal stardom with public mental health battles have never been under this much control. This is an issue and question of abuse in conservatorships at large. Unfortunately, the princess of Pop has somehow become the poster child of this type of crisis. While conservatorships can be beneficial when the best interest is at heart, we can't ignore the fact there are companies that profit enormously from people with disabilities by keeping them under extensive legal control. Are they providing the best care? If Britney has been too unwell to care for herself these past 12 years, why would she be made to work tirelessly? World tours? Vegas? X-factor? Her perfume line? Why not let her rest? Here's a good excerpt from Forbes, it's just not clear what is going on, but my initial gut thinks there is something that is not right. "In this case, Jamie Spears did not have legal authority to force Britney into treatment or to take psychiatric medications. But that doesn't mean that Britney's reported claim that she was held against her will is wrong. Rather, because Jamie has so much control over Britney's life through the conservatorship - including decisions like whether to get married, to perform or live in Las Vegas, or even if she can drive a car - he easily could have refused to grant consent for Britney to do any number of things unless she agreed to his request to enter the mental health treatment facility. In other words, Jamie could have indirectly forced her into treatment even if he could not explicitly sign her in against her will. But, even if Jamie Spears did so, he may have done it out of an earnest believe that Britney needed the treatment. TMZ previously reported that Britney was not doing well and her old course of medications stopped working, necessitating heightened treatment." Take what you will from this, but here are a few petitions to reinstate her rights in August is here - http://chng.it/CMfngqyMBj https://www.change.org/p/team-britney-freebritney

[colitisandme]

There seems to be some kind of misconception, that having an invisible illness makes you invisible. It does not. Although it certainly can make you feel like you are. An invisible illness, by its very nature may present no visible symptoms, may appear like nothing is wrong. You may look perfectly ‘normal’, you may sound ‘normal’ but an invisible illness is sneaky and disguises itself so it can surreptitiously slink it’s way into situations, circumstances, meetings or gatherings undetected and rip apart your body from the inside, cause chaos and general destruction in every part of your being whilst leaving no trace on the outside. Much like a spy, a ninja or an assassin. And yet whilst silent and unassuming on the outside, on the inside this invisible illness is violent, loud, angry, suffocating, deadly and consuming. It can consume your whole world and just because it’s not seen, it doesn’t mean it can’t devour everything in its path.

My first invisible illness of glandular fever was met with raised eyebrows and suspicious glances. “You don’t look ill” my teachers would say. What the hell does that mean? Don’t look ill? If they meant my leg wasn’t hanging off then no I didn’t look ill. If they meant I wasn’t vomiting on my fellow classmates then no I didn’t appear ill. If they assumed because I wasn’t standing in the middle of R.E wailing and clutching my stomach whilst turning a lovely shade of puce, foaming at the mouth and gnashing my teeth I wasn’t ill, then no, obviously I wasn’t ill. Not at all. Sure. On the outside my body was playing tricks with people. I may have looked okay. I may have been able to speak in coherent sentances, bid hello to my fellow man, and go through a whole day without turning yellow, develop cold sweats and break out into a pox. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t ill. I was ill. I assure my bullies who liked to debate if I was ill or not whilst verbally and physically pummelling the crap out of me, that every day my body and mind felt like I had run a marathon wearing a space suit, weights and flippers, that to concentrate on the joys of Physics, I had to harness every ounce of concentration I could possess, not to curl up on the floor and go to sleep because the tiredness was enveloping me coaxing me to give in and take a nap on my study book. That the shaking in my right arm was not there for shits and giggles, nor was it because I woke up and decided that a fun way to spice up my English lesson was to become a human vibrator. Funnily enough it wasn’t on my agenda.

Why does an invisible illness have to have a face? Why, because you can’t understand it does it make it, any the less real or any the less life changing? It’s ironic that the more invisible the illness made me feel, the more I wanted to scream out “I’m here” so people would see me, understand my illness, accept my illness and as a result would treat me like I was visible. But the more visible the symptoms were, the worse treatment I would get, so I tried to make myself just as invisible as the illness and hide the symptoms as much as I could to stay safe and in control.

An invisible illness doesn’t have to be a physical illness. Depression, anxiety, MH difficulties, Chronic fatigue syndrome, self harm, ME, IBD - there are so many numerous invisible illnesses. Although different in their make up., The results of having an invisible illness can be very similar. Isolation, loneliness, lack of finances, sadness and frustration can all be bi-products of an invisible illness, and several of these made me feel worse than the diagnosis itself.

When I became diagnosed with IBD, My life changed over night. I have always been incredibly sociable. My whole world revolved around people and making others happy. Because I couldn’t fix myself I would help others. I guess I wasn’t comfortable being around my own self nor listening to my own thoughts, which to me sounded like a very loud, very enthusiastic, one man band, playing the one tune he knows over and over again, and even though the audience has gone home, he yells the lyrics anyway, screeching over the symbols and accordion hoping to get some attention and maybe applause, but instead he gets shouted at to ‘shut the hell up,’ and ends up with fruit thrown at him by angry neighbours trying to sleep. But when I imploded in spectacular fashion, I was forced to spend huge amounts of time on my own. I had no choice. My husband worked, my friends were busy, my family doesn’t live near me. I couldn’t get out of the house because I was physically and also mentally too unwell.

At the beginning, just walking to the bus stop felt like I was drowning in quicksand. Being in a crowd used to make my heart race, eating out used to cause me distress and anxiety. Because my body and mind simultaneously waved the white flag at the same time I had no reserves. I was signed off sick, so was let go from work, I couldn’t pop out to see my friends so I spent days by myself. I was stuck. I couldn’t fight. Whereas before I would stubbornly kick and scream and drag myself through what ever I was thinking or feeling until I saw light on the other side, I couldn’t do that. I had to ask for help (which I hate doing) but even when I did, help didn’t come. I waited 3 months to get mental health support for depression and anxiety and I have so far had zero help, support or guidance from conventional doctors since being diagnosed. I became incredibly lonely, isolated and invisible again. All those feelings I dealt with when I was in Secondary School came flooding back. It was an effort to get myself out of bed in the beginning. It was hard to eat, I looked like a ghost but because my body likes to deceive others, especially my doctors, my blood work, my temperature my SATS were all okay and so I remained invisible. Even though I was admitted to hospital because I felt like my insides were being torn apart by wild horses, I remained invisible. Every time my surgeon came round to my bed he genuinely looked like he might cry, because he couldn’t patch me up, take something out or put something in to ‘fix’ me. At this point I felt like I was being held together with blue tac and sticky backed plastic, but still remained invisible. I left hospital with 9 boxes of drugs, still in pain and feeling like I might turn into a human sprinkler due to all the holes they put in me, not fixed, not better and still very invisible. Apparently looking like the Crypt keeper was not enough to make me less see-through, and because my illness was invisible I was thrown to the back of the line.

I am not going to lie, spending every day by yourself bar a couple is hard. Evenings were better because I had company, but the days were hard. I spent huge amounts of time by myself and I was very scared, as I only had myself for physical company and I didn’t like myself. I was worried how myself and I would get along in confined spaces, and I had genuine concern we would tear each other apart like savage dogs. But then a wierd thing happened. Because I was so physically ill, I had no room to deal with my mind. The physical symptoms took over my body with such force, I had no time to think. I had no mind space to worry about anything other than my body and getting through the next moment. And so all those worries and anxieties and pressure I piled on myself that seemed so important before, pailed into insignificance. So strangely little by little, I started to get along with myself. I tried crafts for the first time (my friends got me a care package when I first became ill and one of many items was a make your own felt sloth) and when I finished him I was truly proud. I got a happy diary and wrote in that, every single thing I accomplished, be it walking to the bus stop by myself, chasing up an appointment, cooking dinner, having a shower, getting dressed etc took on such huge significance, I truly became proud of myself, because of the monumental effort it took to complete each task, every little thing I did was a victory. Every step I took in the right direction I congratulated myself, and so the negative thoughts I had about myself faded and I started to live for myself. Which was a novelty.

As my confidence grew, I began speaking to inspiring, beautiful people. I nourished my soul by meditating, practicing mindfulness and gratitude as well as working on healing my body and as I did I realised, that my whole life I hadn’t just been living with an illness without visible symptoms, and wasn’t just invisible to others, I was invisible to my self. And now slowly, I was beginning to see myself without the criticism and self hatred and it was eye opening.

Even though IBD is still invisible to others, to me, it’s visible. It raises holy hell in my body and makes me look like a bum with eyes. I hate that there is such a stigmatism and lack of awareness and understanding surrounding invisible illness. I despair that professionals and the community close their eyes because it’s easier to do that then look at the bigger picture. And I am sad that there is not the same help and services around for those living with invisible illness than other illnesses. And I guess that even though others may not see, understand or accept us and the illnesses we present, the most important thing is we make ourselves visible. That we see, love and accept ourselves and not let our invisible illnesses control us, govern our lives with fear or isolate ourselves. By loving ourselves. By celebrating our achievements and our victories and by embracing ourselves, illness and all, We come out of the shadows, push through loneliness and isolation these illnesses bring, and with a little bit of self love, and self kindness, we cease to be invisible to others but most importantly, we cease to be invisible to ourselves anymore.

[gg-astrology]

Jeon Jungkook: Inner Planet Natal Reading

💕 Hello! I’ve been working on this post for the majority of the week so I hope you’ll look upon it kindly! With the recent situation going on with the fansite stuff, I hope this brings you a little bit of joy or good vibes lately. Please remember to take a break once in a while!  

Also, If you haven’t seen @starryguks ‘Jungkook’s astrology’  yet, please check it! I’m so utterly soft for the boys and her post really inspired me to write about our Virgo Boys (Namjoon post coming out soon)! 💕

Taehyung Inner Planet Natal Reading | Taehyung - Members: Relationship Dynamics

Jungkook Inner Planet Natal Reading

Namjoon Inner Planet Natal Reading

Jimin Inner Planet Natal Reading 

BTS Rapline Mini Analysis | BTS Summary: Mars - Destressing

Virgo Boys (Namjoon - Jungkook) Masterlist

Masterlist

*answered asks about BTS members romantic stuff is at the bottom of the masterlist

💕disclaimer: i’m a novice on astrology but these are my interpretations of the signs and how they’re working based on my experiences with them. Everyone has different opinions and studies in astrology, all interpretation and experiences within the realm is valid, however feel free to make your own post or skip if you strongly disagree. The point of this post is to relate to someone, entertain and have a fun time, validate people with similar experiences and get people excited about the girls+ astrology. Also, since we don’t know most of their birth times, I’m using the standard 12.00pm/no birth time. 💕

September 1st, 1997 (Busan, South Korea)  Virgo Sun - 1st Decan (Ruled by Mercury/Virgo) 

Jungkook with Virgo in 1st Decan (amplified Mercury) really accentuates how bright he really is.

It doesn’t have to be the conventional kind of smart, with Virgo Sun in 1st Decan there’s a need to be acknowledged for how astute they are. 

They like being praised for being resourceful, nimble thinking and often times wisdom. They’re agile and brainy, often much more bold when they feel confident that their contributions and advice are taken seriously. 

Virgos also have a habit of being pretty self-decrepitating, so he might’ve actually did alright in school (academia) -- maybe it’s not outstanding and he may have felt dissatisfied because he wanted his grades to be better-- but objectively speaking, he probably better than what he thinks he did (we all know he’s a little harsh on himself.)

He might seem so humble and timid about boasting about his skills. Often preferring to show through action, He tends to think ‘it could be better’ even when he doesn’t really have a realistic expectation of what better is.

Don’t ever let a Virgo hear you say that however, especially a Virgo Sun/Leo moon because they’ll probably get really confronted/offended. They pride themselves in ‘knowing who they are’ better than anyone, so hearing any claims or question to their own integrity or sincerity as a person, having that doubt cast upon them, they’re going to be pissed at you for the unforeseeable future.

Anyways, Virgos not really knowing how to set realistic expectations in their life? More likely than you think! 

It’s mostly due to Virgos not really knowing what true satisfaction feels like-- which, the end goal for most Virgo natives is actually to feel satisfied. At least once in their life from a certain thing to make them feel like life’s worth living. It’s a very humbling goal though, right?

See, the thing with Virgo is how they actually feel. It dictates most of the things they do. Their views on the world, how they perceive themselves, how they deal with emotions. 

They have this nervous energy about them that keeps them going, and that’s what drives them the most. Everything is categorized into objective, and subjective with them. And this type of thinking can lead to very toxic ideology that tends to be either black or white so please be careful!  

Virgos are one of those people are so humble and down to earth. They almost seem like they’re happier being a wallflower sometimes. Even though they have exemplary skills and smarts and they’re probably doing better than what they say/think they’re doing.

Virgo’s curious and studious nature is almost like a Gemini. Although they’re less prone to being changeable or versatile (i.e. Gemini’s ability to flick from group to group easily) they’re more the type to stay in one place and silently have their notebook ready to take down notes when someone says something that fascinates them.  

Jungkook may not think he’s academically smart, but he appreciates those around him who also share similar unconventional intelligence.

Jungkook has a natural appreciation for smarts in other people (Virgo 1st Decan), since he is smart himself. It’s important to remember that intellect isn’t just being academically smart, Virgo tends to like those that are just a little bit quirkier, or is just a little bit above them in what they’re good at.

See: Hoseok in emotional intelligence, Namjoon in lyricism, music and life experience (l’ve tried researching and I don’t think he ever talks up about Namjoon’s IQ like ever? Correct me if I’m wrong.) Yoongi with his worldly knowledge and life experiences.

Virgo in 1st decan wants to learn, they’re already a communicative sign, but with double that curiosity they want to feel like their intellect is appreciated/valued by groups of people who has similar levels to what they excel in (in this case, music/artistry).

Jungkook’s Virgo in 1st decan really shows because he’s able to really make up his mind/decisions quickly, as well as grasps how things work and often explains it to the group (see: in Run episodes, he’s the one who’s most eager to explain things he understands to the group, asks questions to clarify with the staff and once he got it, he helps others around him)

Even in the industry, he can easily see through people on first impressions. Has very clear and solid opinion of who’s good and who’s bad for him. And if that’s not some Virgo fast thinking/ Scorpio keen observational skills I don’t know what is.

Jungkook should be praised for being smart, not just because he is, it’s also what his Virgo Sun deserves.

Whether he’s aware of it or not-- his sun/ego/self-confidence would be fulfilled because of it. It’s similar to how Yoongi’s Virgo Moon likes being comforted by practical/skill stuff that he does, how he has helped those around him through effort, how he’s changed the world around him by things he has done-- With Jungkook it’s more about intelligence. The things he’s most doubtful about is his own capabilities (his hard work and effort/intellect) and the way he cleverly did things. If you ever see the hyungs compliment him for using his quick wit, he gets really giddy-- it’s adorable 

There’s a difference here between fulfilling his Virgo or Leo placements, when people compliment him for ‘maturing’ that’s what makes the Virgo placement blush. Yoongi complimenting the way he speaks better now? You can bet it made his heart flutter. He wants to truly be acknowledged as smart, even if he’s doubtful or insecure about it.    

The thing about Jungkook is that he’s just too busy doing so many things to truly appreciate himself/be more self-aware about the better traits in him. 

Virgos are all about productivity, out of any signs-- they have the hardest time even seeing their better parts. Because they’re so focused in things they still need to work on, they cherry pick everything that’s brought up to them.

Even when it’s laid out bare -- all cards on the table style. If you show a Virgo their negative and positive trait, they’re going to probably focus more on the negative traits.

With Virgo in the 1st decan his ambitions and steady-climbing really helps him resolve problems and challenges he might’ve faced. They’re small-step takers, they’re not big-picture ambitious aimers.

Virgos are about the smaller things, the attention to details, their immediate external environment or things they can immediately do.

Because their extra sensitive to their environment (sensory and clutter-wise, they’re often prone to feeling unwell/frustrated when their external/internal world is ‘messy’) -- Jungkook has an appreciation and need for simplicity. It shows in his thinking (he appreciates when things are streamlined/straight forward) but also in his tastes (sensitivity to smell, soft textures, structure and clean lines in a room)

Jungkook’s goals every year reflect also this kind of thinking (Sun-Mercury), since his Sun (ego/confidence) is also in the same sign as his Mercury (thoughts/verbalization) his self-confidence/sense of self is directly channelled through his thinking and his goals.

When he says something-- it’s from his soul, his sincerity and integrity is ultimate, and he expects others to at least try to be the same as he is. He puts so much effort into expressing his sun, developing his mercury that he doesn’t realize he’s repressing his more ‘unpredictable’ traits (Moon/Mars).

He often expresses frustration with himself even though he doesn’t know why, that’s because he’s troubleshooting at the wrong thing. 

When he suppress his other placements (Moon/Mars) he over-works his ‘developed’ placement (Sun/Mercury/Venus) making it worse than how it’s supposed to be (in this case, even if they’re ‘developed’ they are still ‘underdeveloped’ because nothing is balanced).

It brings out all the worst trait in Virgo to be more visible under the sunlight (and in this case, the Moonlight because...he’s a Leo Moon and it’s directly being suppressed) through all the hesitance and insecurity, all the self-decrepitation and timid-nature of Virgos. 

All the wasted compassion and misunderstanding. That’s how an over-worked Virgo could be when you let it take too much control over your life, you embody all it’s worst trait and it leaves you feeling more frustrated as you keep ‘working to develop it further’-- that’s not going to help. The key is to let the suppressed placement out and balance them all instead.

When he says he’s awkward on television it’s because he’s over-working his Virgo, and not allowing his Leo Moon to express itself. 

Notice how it’s working best when he’s doing things subconsciously/letting the Leo Moon through to show how playful he is? Those instances are the best because people find him funny, and when he’s conscious of it he’s too stiff to express it to the best of it’s capacity.

The combination of Leo Moon/Virgo Sun, especially when his Sun is in 1st decan makes him so self aware. It becomes hyper-fixation on what his Leo Moon would do, worries over his emotions coming out brash or ‘too out of control’ (since the rest of his placement is based on balance and harmony to function properly).

It became a sense of knowing his sun/mercury too well, and not letting his emotions out because he’s too afraid of it. 

It became internalizing all his behaviors, criticizing it and analyzing the best way to go about thing. And thus, suppressing his own emotions under the chains of Virgo’s self-critical assessments instead.

He’s always so anxious and worried that a single instance of unpredictability, of emotional outburst or lack of self-control on his Leo/Scorpio placement -- would ruin his entire career, his persona, his external structure and the internal hierarchy he’s set inside of himself.

Yes that’s very overdramatic if you think about it, he works so hard on his Virgo trait, the sheer thought of losing control (and subconsciously not knowing he gave his Virgo too much control) places very high stakes on his entire being.

Virgo who’s developed threatened by their very clearly developed borders and structure being destroyed? They absolutely would not let that happen on their watch. It becomes a never-ending cycle of trying to restrain yourself, trying to put on a corset to keep your body in a figure that’s unrealistic at all time and never seeing or accepting yourself as you truly are. It’s self-decrepitation at it’s worse, when it’s harming your own emotions and you don’t even acknowledge it because it’s been there for so long. Jungkook is getting so much better at just, letting go and accepting himself however. And that comes with the territory of emotional maturity and life experience.  

Virgos are attracted to those who seems like they’re capable of handling themselves just as well, maybe sometimes even more (or less) than the Virgo themselves. Reliability and dependency is big for the Virgo natives since they themselves tends to be too giving (Jungkook has that balanced by Libra-Venus -- I’ll later try to explain how everything’s working for him)  and they’re soft and sentimental. They want a soft love story, a romantic one where their effort and dedication is seen and appreciated.

When he says he prefers girls who is intelligent, and he means that. He’s not the standard ‘traditional’ beauty but rather someone who’s smart enough to know their own self-worth in other areas instead, things like self-care, self-confidence, self-love and self-motivation. You can see it reflected in the celebrities he adore like Emma Watson (and her character Hermione) and IU.

Both of these incredible women also share other similar physical features. Their sense of style/aura draws him to them.  People who has that comfortable jeans-and-shirt-and-still-looks-comfortable Taurean aura (rising/venus) and has pretty strong placement in fire-earth that really attracts him to them (Leo preferably since his Juno is in Leo).  Someone who looks a bit slight but has admirable power/strength inside their body (Virgo symbolized onto these women).

As a side note: possibly one of my favourite thing about Jungkook is that one disassociated face he makes whenever the hyung says something dumb he just-- look off at an 3/4 angle into the middle distance and sighs while pressing his lips together. That’s such a Virgo mood. 

It has the same energy as Hoseok’s shut down after a roller coaster sound effect. Also Namjoon has that disassociated face too, it comes out more often during english interviews. It’s confirmed Virgo Mood.

Aspects:

Sun (Virgo) - Conjunct - Mercury (Virgo) [0 degrees]

He has to constantly relearn how to communicate his thoughts/feelings. 

Often times even though they’re fast to pick up how to do it proficiently, time spent away makes them a little bit more awkward and communicating with people they haven’t seen for a while makes them a little bit more timid/subdued. 

They’re like that cousin who you meet at family gathering and you get along splendidly after a few days, you feel so close to them. But a week later they’ve gone back to having a polite and awkward distance not really knowing how to function from that time away once again 

You know how after every comeback and he has a solo vlive he always comments on how awkward it is or not knowing what to say? That’s a dead ass Virgo sun-mercury mood at 0 sometimes. 

Often times they have to ‘vibe’ out the person, see how they’re doing, seeing the result before they tackle the task of communicating with someone on a deeper level once again. 

Sun-Mercury aspect also makes Jungkook come across as really Virgo. Practical, solution-based, willing to communicate but also a little awkward/shier in personal relationship? Virgo Mood. 

He’s focused on the smaller details and pictures, often more sensitive to tiny errors and details than the rest of the member. That’s why he tends to scold them a lot, but often out of good intentions since it directly affects him and the betterment of the team as a whole.

You know Virgos won’t even open their mouth and confront a problem if they don’t have a creative criticism others can work on. You might think they’re nit picky, but they’re really coming from a place that they’ll hold themselves back if it feels like they’re just being annoying even to themselves.  They’re very conscious of what they put into their surroundings, so appreciate your little Virgo friends for what they do for other people more! 

Sun (Virgo) - Sextile - Mars (Scorpio)

Great control over his activities and bodily health, often times people with Sun (Virgo) in a positive aspect towards their mars tend to exercise for the sake of exercising (like Jungkook said, it’s the feeling that matters)

Virgo generally tries to do little daily habits or incorporate healthy behaviors in order to grow into a routine. It keeps them stable and balanced so they can focus on other things going on in their life. 

Once it’s aspecting Mars, the person often finds their activities geared towards physical exertion instead of restructuring their mind. 

He’s also extra sensitive to his body this way, often times physical touches, scents or over-heating can be ‘too much’ (Virgo likes to moderate/be in control of these touches) and there’s a need to keep away from imposing these same kind of feelings on others-- making them seem like a responder rather than an initiator (unless they’ve really grown into themselves or really like the other person). 

Virgo wants to feel pride in his physical body, since the physical body is a ‘material’ in this case. He’s also a bit more prone to obsessive/possessive behaviour, regulating his weight, stature, diet and tends to be more bodily aware than others.

Virgos tends to have all the right common logic like respecting other people, personal hygiene and valuing small dedication that was heart-felt given to them. Having it influenced by his Mars makes him obsessive over these habits/small things.

It might become more toxic or over-exaggerated in his behaviour which lead the members to calling him out over it. It’s mostly the Scorpio Mars aspect they have a problem about, but also the principle that Virgos hold dear as well. 

Sun (Virgo) - Square - Pluto (Sagittarius)

Ok, there’s a lot of inner tension and hyper-fixation he places on himself. Virgo is already critically aware of all it’s short-comings and habitual weaknesses, having it in an aspect with his progression/growth can make him feel frustrated that he’s not developing efficiently enough. 

He often states this as well, that he doesn’t think he’s progressing as fast as he wants to be. There’s a thought and desire to reach out to more people, to expand his horizon and learn (see: when he wants to travel to the US and learn more english) 

He can feel that by living spontaneously, he could’ve had many opportunities to grow that way and it’s a missed chance his Virgo often holds himself back from taking. 

Having one’s Pluto in the house of expansion against one’s sun can make the person feel like change and growth can be harder to brace. It feels too aggressive, too personal and often times like a hurricane that’s coming from the outside and he’s not ready for it. 

Sagittarius also talks about communication skills and being able to connect with those around them easier, Jungkook is already so critically aware that he lacks that kind of easy-flowing nature in himself, when he sees it in others (See: Namjoon, Taehyung) he reflects even harder on himself and might have a tendency to beat himself down over ‘not doing enough’ or ‘not talking enough’ like that. 

Generally I think he’s getting better at that, which isn’t a main problem to deal with. 

Leo Moon - 3rd Decan (Ruled by Mars/Aries)  

Now with all the shit I’ve said in the earlier section, that’s not to say that his Moon is neglected at all. In fact it’s developing just fine, and becoming one of his most developed placement in Fake Love era (currently)-- the goal with the Virgo section was to point out how different placements might’ve interacted or restrict each other throughout the years-- overcoming them through understanding yourself better would help a lot. 

Leo moon has that pride and inner strength that attracts people to them. But they’re also fucking softies at the same time. 

Leo Moon in the 3rd Decan ruled by Aries really helps Jungkook come out from his shy Virgo shell and truly realize who he wants to be. 

He has such a strong core of inner strength, from the fixed and noble nature that Leo has but also how truthful and forth right the Aries influenced him as well. It really complements his Virgo’s nature, and thus bringing out the best nature in and of himself (despite the restriction Virgo still places on his Moon, but that’s going to be explained later) 

Leo/Aries Decan really know from such a young age who they want to be, sometimes they can be indecisive but often they make their decisions quickly. Aries (cardinal) sign likes to initiate activities whilst Leo fixedly kept working on it. This gives his Leo Moon some endurance and initiation to know when to swerve in a certain direction, and when to keep going to get to where he wants to be.

It probably factors a lot into how he joined the industry, from such a young age this Aries decan makes him realize he wants to do -- maybe not forever, but definitely for a certain time frame. He joined a competition (and fire-signs are notoriously known for being competitive when it’s about their capabilities/skills) and then seeing as he got pretty good results, started looking into agencies.  

Now, Aries is an entrepreneur signs, they don’t like messy things and typically doesn’t have to follow a beaten path. Sure it might freak out his Virgo a little who relies heavily on structure and order, but the stagnancy of joining a larger company like the big three would’ve killed his Leo Moon in the long run you know. 

He was probably making decisions in his earlier age from his Moon especially, from joining the competition up to being inspired by Namjoon that he had to join BigHit. He was looking for that ‘it’ factor, and Aries are notoriously good at picking a shining silver coin from a field of copper. 

The competitiveness that Aries has isn’t really outwards towards people in general, but rather it’s inherited in their intense focus on making that thing shine. It’s a personal challenge, a personal project, and that’s why Aries are feared by others around them sometimes. 

That sense of inner drive can be intimidating for those around them and it does result in jealousy because other’s don’t have/doesn’t understand that intense personal drive. 

Growing up with a Leo moon can be hard especially when one has pretty strong placement making them shy. Leo Moon tends to show their playfulness to those close around them, often in the comfort of their home or in privacy away from the spotlight (even though they crave for it at the same time). 

They’re content with their inner circle, because their emotions are easily controlled that way. Leo Moon takes pleasure and joy from pleasing those around them, often through their sense of self expression. 

This can be a ‘performance’ or ‘reenactment’ of a scene they might play out, an over-exaggeration of a comment someone made in order to cheer up the other person. 

The response from people around them fulfills their inner needs gives them emotional gratification that they crave, usually it’s more of a temporary gratification, since long-term fulfillment in Leo Moon can be a bit high maintenance to get.

Giving a Leo Moon a solid stable base for their emotional growth can take years to fulfill, since it would require consistent validation, attention and affection (usually in terms of praises) in order for them to feel appreciated/loved. 

They don’t tend to trust easily, especially when they tend to doubt themselves and their own worth sometimes. Having multiple sources and admirers keeps them from sucking just one single person dry. And it’s generally healthy for Leo Moon to keep a close knit groups of friends and family they can get these sources from. 

Now, the kind of responses people give them can dictate their overall mood/attitude. They feed off of positive reactions, maybe even surprised/amusement or neutral responses are seen as positive sometimes. They don’t tend to react well with the responses are negative, even when it’s just brushing them off or an off-hand remarks. 

Leo Moons will take it to heart, and often gets a bit sulky and defensive about themselves because of this.

Thus you can understand why it can be harder for Leo Moon to put themselves out there for the general audience/public to see. It’s nerve-wrecking, because they’re placing all their emotional vulnerabilities forward into the spotlight for others to judge. Sure the response might be positive, but they know that with popularity/positivity comes negativity as well.

Leo Moons are much more sensitive than their sun, and their egos are easily hurt. Just them being able to realize they should do this, to take the risk and being out there-- takes enormous courage that most signs can’t even fathom why they would take such a huge risk factor in themselves like that. 

To the Leo Moon natives there’s a need for performance within themselves. For self-expression and their feelings, but with that territory comes with exposure. 

It’s a risk all Leo Moon has to face whether it be on a stage or in their social relationships. Sure, their emotions will get hurt and sometimes they’re retrieve back in themselves. 

But at the same time, they’re big thinkers. They’re ultimately very ambitious, and often times sees the bigger picture in all this. Knowing the best way to fulfill their sense of emotional contentment is the end goal for Leo Moon. And even though they’re afraid, they have a commitment into making that jump.  

Jungkook realizing this is the path he wants to be so early in his life is a sign of a developing Leo Moon who’s doing extra-ordinarily better than one realizes. 

This might be due to the balanced Sun-Moon aspect as well as amazingly ambitious push from his Virgo Sun to fulfill his Moon’s potential. If you think about it, it’s like a mum who enrolled their son into a swimming course for young olympians the moment they realize they’ve got potential. 

The mum here is the Virgo Sun and the son here is the Leo moon. She realizes her sun’s potential and understands his dissatisfaction of possibly underachieving in the future because of a lack of opportunity, so she took the initiative and push for him in the direction that’ll benefit him best instead. (Kinda like, Virgo being a soccer mum and her team lead son Leo growing up the popular kid?)

It definitely helped him in the beginning to let his Virgo take the lead role, since it gives his much more fragile Leo Moon time to brace itself into fully developing under the spotlight.

It also helps so much that he gains unconditional love and support from the members, staff and general public as the audience. He worked hard for it, embodying the Virgo mum, but at the same time the Leo Moon has an external father figure in all the members/staff to grow and fully realize himself under. They’re the one who taught him what to do and what not to do, whilst his Virgo mum slowly relinquish her hold on her teenage son just in time for him to graduate and be ready to face the world.

I can’t stress enough how fortunate he was to be raised in such a kind and caring environment. Most Leo Moon don’t tend to even have this kind of luck, which really stout their emotional growth and unbalance them completely.  Having both the members and the staff doting on him, Jungkook often feels much more emotionally mature than the rest of his peers or even members sometimes, this is because it has all the resource it needs to gain maturity and come into itself faster than maybe someone with a harder to achieve moon placement sometimes (see: Taehyung, Jin, Yoongi, Namjoon) 

Leo Moons: Natural (Subconsciously) Comedic

I want to preface this by saying this entire section is what I think was going on in his earlier days and not who he is right now. Nowadays (in the era of Fake Love) Jungkook has gotten so much better at understanding his Leo moon and letting moon shine. How he is today and how he was in his earlier years still retains some similar habit from each other, and it’ll be fun to look at and see! But also this is for others who have similar placement to learn from and understand within themselves. I hope it helps! 

You know how he sometimes have that glazed look on his face? Or when the camera catches him just by himself/with the other members joking around together in the background? 

Jungkook has a habit of vibing softly with himself, and that’s often time the moment when he shines best in this playful, caring nature. It’s intuitive to his Leo Moon who cares deeply about other’s opinions, feelings and thoughts. All their softer trait tends to come spilling out uncontrollably when they’re away from camera.

But when he has to focus to be Like That, sometimes he doesn’t know what to do with himself with the camera around him? 

He stiffens up and becomes so conscious of himself it can verge on the point of paranoia. He doesn’t necessarily understand what he does that’s so funny consciously because it’s not something he’s focused on.

Alot of Jungkook’s personal experiences in his younger years, especially during the time just before Spring Day probably feels sort of like an out-of-body experience. There’s a strong sense of disassociation. Kind of like you’re floating and observing everyone around you and then suddenly becoming hyper-aware of what’s actually happening and being the center of attention again. 

It’s not a feeling of shying away from the spotlight? But rather caught unaware. Like waking up in the middle of a cross-fire shouting match between roommates and not knowing what to do/being hyper aware of their need to mediate it? 

The reason he doesn’t understand why he’s so funny is because he does these things so naturally. Leos are entertainers, and the way he behaves subconsciously endears others towards him. 

With losing abit of control, Jungkook realizes he can exhibit these traits more often.  But  he’s also scared of losing control because that means making his emotions/moon more vulnerable to the general public’s criticism. What if they don’t enjoy it? What if it comes out wrong? It leaves him feeling uncomfortable since that means he can’t dictate/have control over that part of his response/life anymore (Virgo Sun/Mercury- overthinking things).

He’s the maknae for a reason, and his softer side is seen more openly when he’s around his hyungs. It can lead to habitual dependency by hanging onto the same crowd and not seeking new experiences, but at the same time they give him that emotional comfort and external encouragement to be truly himself and fully allow his softer, sentimental side to come out.

Jungkook crying and hugging the member? More likely than you think. Leos are notorious criers, when it comes to others around them. That’s because their emotions/sense of self is based upon other’s  approval for so long. When a group of people consistently feed them love, appreciation and validation Leo Moon tends to grow super attached to them. Don’t even think about leaving for a second, they can border on co-dependency sometimes.  

Leo Moon often realizes that these people makes up who they are today, which is why their give back so much. Their self-confidence, their ability to grow onto themselves. They know how valuable and precious all this is and how hard it is to come within their life time. And often when close people’s plight floats into their ears, they feel so so vulnerable and compassionate for that person they can’t help but cry. Leo Moon cares deeply for their relationship and their history between the two people, they want to give back just as much. Often times they have a harder time saying good bye to others and ending relationship that they can find a way to prolong it even when it’s toxic/poisonous for them. 

Aspects

Moon (Leo) - Square- Pluto (Sagittarius)

Again, this ties into the idea of him not really knowing what to do with his moon once he’s so aware of his Sun/Mercury being developed.

With his fear of external change, and the vulnerabilities that his Moon might bring there’s a heavy reliance on his Sun to make up and create a sense of structure to his life.

Often times his emotions and feelings can be overwhelming, it becomes similar to water-signs moon, turbulent and drowning-- he can be prone to suppressing these unexplained and ‘unrealistic’ self expression in order to regain some kind of control over his life. 

When his emotions (moon) finds it hard to cope with change/transformation he goes through (pluto) he finds himself resorting to relying on his other placement to over compensate his inner self getting hurt. The less-emotional and relatively unmoved Virgo is a great candidate since he has this in bouts, it becomes a natural earth barrier to hide behind. 

But at the same time he finds himself unable/reluctant to show his more sensitive, sentimental and delicate emotional side sometimes due to it’s nature.   

The uncomfortable feeling of being attacked by external change/internal changes, between his softer sentimental Leo Moon and structure-oriented Virgo Sun makes him feel like he has to constantly hide himself behind a barrier. At the same time, becomes so self-aware and hyper-fixedly on opening himself up that it can be hard to regain some kind of balance between the two sometimes.

It’s like someone throwing a bomb at you and you have one barrier to defend yourself with, but the attacks are coming from two sides so you have to curl and fix that barrier into a blanket that covers you just enough? Sometimes it be like that, and you can’t help but wonder when this hell is going to end or beating yourself up for not having enough ‘courage’ to move onto a different place that might be safer. 

It becomes stagnancy and frustration with himself, that he can’t control the situation and he can’t do more. It really doesn’t help with his self-destructive criticism or pushing himself too much into certain ideologies that his Virgo might present as ‘practical’ or ‘worthwhile’, but tends to end up over-compensating and becoming ‘toxic’ instead (see earlier: his obsession with possession/being good enough) 

Blanketing himself in this barrier for protection also means his Leo Moon constantly has to face moments of reprieve that sometimes can’t be good for him. When he’s alone or isolated, as long as he’s not engaging in self-destructive behaviour it should be alright. But when he does it so much, and so consistently it can become habitual (Virgo) and thus-- lead to isolating himself and relearning all over again how to react to changing external environment. 

There’s also some kind of obsession to posses Sagittarius traits, even though he’s confident/prideful in his own self. There’s something akin to admiration but also jealousy, not towards any person but towards traits he sees as directly affecting him and perhaps, if he possesses those traits he can assimilate it and adapt better. 

Sagittarius are great at making friends, communicating with people in general, they’re generously compassionate and tend to have this vivid zest of life but also contentment in being alone that’s not overdoing themselves. There’s potential for expansion that the Sagittarius sees and aims for, as well as fountains of knowledge/intelligence they fearlessly dive into once stirred. 

Since his sense of self (Leo/Sun) is restricted in this area (Sun-Pluto), he might feel ‘less than’ sometimes -- often standoffish but wanting to participate when Sagittarius-dominant people ‘do their thing’. 

His Leo Moon craves being closer to Sagittarius people (see: Jin, Namjoon, Taehyung who has that good Jupiter/Sag in 1st) -- just like how his Virgo Sun/1st Decan encourages him to learn more things. It’s like a shy younger brother hanging out with his big brother’s friends. The Leo hides behind clinging onto the Sag’s shirt and listens attentively, trying to absorb all the Sag traits through osmosis of being close.  

Virgo Mercury - 1st Decan (Ruled by Mercury/Virgo) (R)

Hey ok, so let me explain that having a retrograde in a placement doesn’t make it impossible for you to achieve your fullest potential in anyway. Please remember that! Having a retrograde is like, a personal challenge or a game you go back to and help stimulate yourself into acting better, doing better, understanding the placement better. Having a retrograde just means it’s working slower to realize itself than how your other placement might be, and it takes time and concentration to see when it’s missing in your person. Please don’t ever feel discouraged if you have your retrograde in any personal placement, see it as a fun puzzle you have to solve-- maybe a crossword or sudoku that makes you work a bit harder than normal? The sense of accomplishment you achieve at the end of a long journey will be worth it!  

Virgo Mercurian in the 1st decan has such a strong emphasis on their intellect and smarts, often time they have such pride in coming off a certain way or being acknowledged as someone reliable and dependable to others around them . 

Known for their humility and practicality in helping others out, they often want to be valued as a crucial part in team settings. 

There’s a need for mediation and diplomacy in this sign, they’re not just all about aggression or doing what they want to do. Instead they build structure in their thinking and people around them by establishing certain protocols or rules-- balanced/already established bonds can be hard to change once it’s placed, and often times they feel frustrated when someone tries to introduce a new adaptation or ideas to ‘improve’ what’s already a system for them to fall back on. 

Having a Virgo Mercury in such a strong intellectual placement (1st Decan) in retrograde makes Jungkook slower to realize his actual abilities/capabilities. He undermines his own smarts, often unsure or just a tiniest bit insecure about how much he’s contributing or coming off sometimes when discussing in a group environment. 

Constant feedback and communication helps him evaluate how he’s doing, as well as validation on whether or not he’s being purposeful or ‘serving’ others best/efficiently as well. 

There’s some difficulties in self-doubting himself that might lead to insecurities. He is fantastically smart and intelligent, he just doesn’t believe it sometimes. 

This is because he tends to place his insecurities first, observe and analyze and then never actually say his piece of mind when the opportunity presents itself . Even though externalizing his thought would help him so much with everything. 

There has to be proactivity within him in reaching out or making his voice heard more, even though he thinks it’s repetitive or ‘unnecessary’ -- he should realize that his voice and establishing himself verbally would help others understand him better. And help save him from awkward interactions or misunderstanding in the future-- costing his self-confidence and esteem nothing if not for the initial courage it takes to speak out in the first place.

People with Virgo Mercury in 1st Decan (in retrograde) has such a hard time expressing themselves in their earlier childhood years, this is because their retrograde isn’t fully realized yet. Once they grow older, they tend to ramble a little to themselves to make sure they externalize these thoughts out loud, learning how to actual talk to people instead of talking to themselves and overcoming that fear of communicative (please believe in yourselves!) would significantly help them tackle this retrograde. 

This also explains so much about how/why he’s so awkward, at the earlier debut days and how he often feels rigid and tense in front of a camera.

When he feels lost like he doesn’t really know himself, his defensive tactic is to uses his Virgo trait excessively. Because he feels more comfortable that way (remember the protective barrier his Moon/Sun has to use? It’s like that) 

He probably didn’t realize until he’s used it so much to hide the flaw in his developing character (Leo Moon) until he sees that all of the negative Virgo traits are visible now, so in trying to hide one flaw he emphasizes the other instead. 

A lesson for all of us to learn here is that you can’t overwork on placement to make up for the development of another. There has to be a balance and the signs are multi-dimensional. Nothing is truly just advantage without any disadvantage you know? Learning to live with both sides of the signs, accepting it, understanding and balancing it would help us tremendously. 

So this is where he looks for another source of outlet. His Scorpio Mars is prominent in his chart, and he can use this to balance his Virgo Mercury! But not in the way it’s supposed to sometimes.

His Scorpio Mars may be working fine on it’s own, but in his younger days he might’ve had some tendency to internalize his Mars (like he did with his Moon) and use it to regulate himself into behaving a certain way. 

To develop his Virgo Sun/Mercury, internalizing this will-power and abundance of self-drive (Scorpio) helps really rapidly build his Virgo placements. 

It can be harmful in the long run, as long as he learns how to not make it into a habit and not grow to categorize it as something he should fear (Virgo trait tends to categorize things as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, and unpredictable/too powerful emotions can be seen as ‘needing regulation’ - i.e. his Moon and Mars energy) 

It can become an obsession (Scorpio) with trying to pursue a rigid structure or extreme self-disciplining.Making him think of himself as one-dimensional sometimes 

Him calling himself ‘a A-class robot who malfunctions occasionally’? Such an over-simplification Virgo Mercurian technique to make streamlined narratives they can understand ‘easier’ (sometimes easy isn’t the key here). 

Similarly seen in manga/content he consumes in order to develop/mature, it can lead to having a harder time seeing himself/people as multi dimensional people with different faucets to themselves ya know? 

His dislike of insincerity in people, ‘two-faced’ or ‘fake’ people? That’s because he won’t allow himself to be anything but his positive traits. It’s an ideal, no matter how impractical or impossible it might be.

In the end it’ll lead him to an disillusionment in the quality of people around him and of himself. Virgos are generally hard on themselves, not being able to reach the ideal or perfection can really spiral them into an anxious, nervous energy back lash that would led them to over-working themselves.  

He wants to exhibit just his good traits only and probably has a harder time even accepting that he can feel emotions that are ‘uglier’ or ‘bad’  - it leads to repression of said feelings and internalizing a lot of emotions. 

It’s almost like a projecting part of himself won’t accept onto others? The way he doesn’t like it when others do it? This simplification, overly-structuring his life to be as straightforward as possible. Also limits his exposure to the world and to different sorts of people around him. 

It’s a defensive tactic/habit when working/growing in the entertainment industry.But as he grow older he realizes that he can’t continue being like that, and that there’s so much inter-dimensionality in people. He has to learn how to understand this inside of himself, that it’s ok to have uglier negative habits as well as positive ones, and just allow himself to explore. 

His later comment about how happiness comes with pain, sadness, etc ( members have to define ‘happiness’ ) truly shows how much he understands this, and it comes with maturity and practice (patience) he’s grown to have throughout the years. 

Aspects

Mercury (Virgo) (R)  - Sextile - Mars (Scorpio)

With his Mercury (thoughts/expression) aligning with his Mars (desire for actions/physical energy) the health aspect of his Virgo really comes through with this one.

Whether he realizes this or not, whenever he faces mental blockage he uses his physical energy to externalize his frustrations.

Virgo is also a sign that takes a lot of their earlier childhood principles and still uses it to apply to their every day life (habitual creatures) so getting good habits/principles really matters to them.

Sometimes Jungkook might just resort to showing the people he cares through physical means rather than verbally (since it is in retrograde) -- small dedications or gifts/presents for the ones he love. 

Oh and about him not buying people birthday present thing....Virgos do little things for people only when they know it’s full of devotion/dedication, you can be sure he probably shows how he loves his hyungs in other ways. 

Most of the time it might be immaterial but things like mentioning little habits of theirs, taking them out, making time in his schedule to hang out with them etc. Makes so much more sense to Virgos and contains alot more meaning to their action than just buying them things based on traditions on birthdays.  

How Namjoon messaged him to listen to the song? He’s on it. If it’s something he can do for his hyung, he will do it. 

Also, since there’s a strong connection between his Mercury and Mars --  the idea of him using them interchangeably like I mentioned earlier is possible. Even with it working well for one another (supposedly) as long as he acknowledges how it’s working and tries not to over-compensate the balance it should be working just fine. 

When one has a strong positive/negative aspect, it’s like having a clear tube of communication between two planets/signs. The flow of whether it goes one direction more so than the other depends on how one uses it. Unlike harsher aspects, the energy flow can work easier both ways with some effort put into it. 

Mercury is in retrograde, so he might probably use his Mars to make up for it somehow. The way one use their energy interchangeably depends on the person themselves. But in his case, if going by earlier hypothesis he might’ve internalized some of the Mars energy into ‘fixing’ his internal issues. 

Mercury (Virgo) (R) - Square - Pluto (Sagittarius)

When Mercury the planet of communication has an aspect with the planet of Change (in the sign of expansion), there can be abit of difficulties seeing past one’s own fault and giving in to habitual traits revolving around bickering, nit-picking, criticizing that might frustrate himself and others around him.

Especially since mercury is a moving planet, once it has a harder aspect to Pluto there can be a feeling of further stagnancy in the way he communicate or think through things.

Feeling lost or unsure of who he really is or how well he communicates can come across to others (truly), leaving him to resort back to old habits and often stick closer to already established dynamics within his friend groups.

Sometimes this can also lead a person to not want to interact with others or try out different communication skills, Admitting his faults or rigidity in the way he thinks comes with frustration, and confrontations from others even in the most pragmatic way possible would often feel like a personal threat.

There’s a hesitance to changing himself/the way he thinks that might lead to self-isolation and often times reclusiveness.  

Libra Venus - 2nd Decan (Ruled by Uranus/Aquarius)

Libra in Venus is truly gifted with coming across well in social relations. They often impress others with their kindness, merciful actions and willingness to mediate between large groups of people so selflessly sometimes. 

This is even more amplified through the 2nd decan which is ruled by Uranus/Aquarius. Jungkook prides himself in his quirky habits and his independent thinking, often times when he cannot find satisfaction/feels unsure in his Virgo trait-- he resorts to using his Libra instead.

He’s often individualistic in his ideas, doesn’t like people copying what he likes/views and at time, tend to have a need for standing out even in the most basic way (i.e. his sense of style of just t-shirt and jeans?) 

Libra Venus can be prone to a lot of indecision revolving around making up their minds. This is because they’re so light in their touch involving others it feels like the slightest of breeze. Their gentle mannerism often turns them away from any form of aggression because it tends to scare them easily.

Even within himself, the intensity and force of Scorpio/Leo threatens the usually mild-mannered Libra and his Venus trait hides behind the strict presence of Virgo. This helps perpetrates the repression of Scorpio/Leo placement, but at the same time-- Libra can adapt and change their opinion of those traits easier than his Virgo placements can. 

They’re more lenient to the ‘unpredictable’ placement, because they’re an air sign themselves. 

Libra often tends to see things as a balance. Sure, they might be scared of it, but is it inherently bad?

Libra Venus in Jung kook generally helps him accept his Scorpio/Leo placement once he grows older, allowing them to move freely and become more present in his life under the guise of strict regulation from Virgo and Libra’s careful evaluation of ‘what would work best socially’ . 

All of these signs and placements can come to flourish and balance in the best way possible since he lets his.

Libra Placements: Naturally Gifted Social Workers or Awkward People who Works Hard/Adapt Fast

Let’s talk for a minute about how Libras actually work.

Everyone says Scorpio are the evil ones. But have you met a Libra?

Scorpios are too tormented by their inner selves to be outwardly hostile when there’s nothing going on-- they’re softies, just like all the water signs. Scorpio just seems like they’re up to something. But that’s just how they are misrepresented almost all the time (like all Mars-influenced signs).

Those Libras? They can seriously just throw you off a cliff and laugh about it, before calling it a joke. 

Jimin’s infamous side eyes and Jungkook’s teasing of people? Libran trait. Jungkook willingness to sell Jin for one corn chip in the latest run episode? Confirmed Libra trait (Jimin would too, have you seen the way his ego works sometimes? Such a Libra trait.)

They’ll check up on you to make sure you’re really ok, but do they care with feelings? Maybe just barely enough to make them seem like they care sometimes. 

For a sign that’s ruled by Venus and talks about social interactions, Librans are one of the worst in knowing when they’re going too far.

Libras have more in common with their Gemini cousin than they do to Aquarius. Whilst Aquarius stands firm in their individualism and their independence, Gemini fixate on taking on persona of those around them intellectually. Libras focuses on molding themselves to others and learning to build emotional/intellectual support for those around them. In a way, they’re like water-signs without being actually tormented by an array of emotions bombarding them at once -- best of both worlds right?  

Maybe, that’s because they’re an air sign. Even when they appear to be so genuinely and supportive, but good luck trying to build deeper connections with them that involves emotional growth on both your ends. 

Sure, they’re lovely people with a true sense of harmonic peace and genuinely care about the relationships that they’re having. But emotionally-wise they’re lacking (often to themselves and it reflects when others tries to have this conversation with them) -- so how/why do they appear to be so great at understanding others? 

It’s all hard work. Extremely strict logic and interpersonal efforts. Libras aren’t appreciated enough for the amount of care and dedication they put into their research. The effort they pushed into genuinely unlocking the true treasures and secrets of social relations. 

Are Libras naturally gifted with the gift of gab for getting along with people like the archetype says? Not at all! Through sheer dedication and the power of intention, they can build any sort of social relations from scratch and make what seems to be a ‘miracle’ (often, they don’t utilize this skills if they deem the other person ‘too much effort’ so don’t rely on them too much on that)  

Librans are possibly one of the most awkward people out there, especially in their childhood years. Have you met a Libra? There’s a sense of self-expression to them and that draws people in, but it’s an internal thing. They’re not ‘gifted’ with the natural buoyancy fire sign has to share this part of themselves with everyone else around them immediately. No, it usually starts off pretty systematic (i.e. smaller circle, hesitancy, building up confidence). 

Libras are so analytical and they don’t even realize it sometimes. They themselves aren’t very porous/receptive to people coming up to them to gain something from social interaction (water/fire sign placements)-- in fact they often have to learn how to deal with people and got better at it through time. 

They’re like Leos in a way, having a skill of self-expression that draws people in and then learning how to cope/deal with the people. Both of these signs often became more dependent on the responses/social interaction they get. But unlike Leo who gets emotionally hurt, Libras gets alarmed. 

It’s intellectual, it’s a mental stimuli thing. A fight or flight response for a Libra is to ‘resolve the situation immediately and see what the casualties are’. They’re like paramedics in a way. Practical, solution-based and often diagnostic. They don’t get enough credit for this and I’m mad about it because they are. 

Libras are also much stiffer than Gemini. Whilst Gemini has that versatility and natural adaptability, Libras tends to be rigid and more rational in their approach to other people. Is this going to work? How is it going to work? Is it at all possible to maintain? Those are the things Libras might be more concerned about than Geminis. 

With Libra Venus, there’s an emphasis in understanding how a bond work rather than the actual person they’re bonding with. Once they find they want to build that bond they want to know how to prolong it. What’s the dynamic? What’s the relationship about? How does it work? 

It’s almost mechanical/technical. Jimin’s Mercury in Libra? His love/appreciation may be true and deep for the person (Scorpio), but the way he thinks about the relationship-- there’s a lot of thought and consideration into lengthening it out, understanding how to work the relationship and balancing it with other areas of their lives. 

If relationship is a new phone, Libra natives are the type to grab the manual and go ‘ok so how do I maintain this/what do i need to know’. 

They want to be good at this, and it comes with a territory of effort that most people don’t realize/appreciate.  It’s all hard work gearing these kinds of social interactions to make it work. 

(Hoseok’s a bit more different, both in the tonality of his water/air sign. He has a much easier time using just his intuition for most things, and a more forceful approach in establishing or making those connections (Aquarius vs Libra)

Aspects

Venus (Libra) - Trine - Jupiter (Aquarius) (R)

Jungkook helping staff pick up the trash at ISAC and defending injustice when he sees it? More likely than you’d think with this placement.

With this placement his kind-hearted, genteel natured Libra is shining so brightly in to the general public, it makes him seem like a fair and harmonious individual that people naturally tend to gravitates towards him.

With the signs itself in Libra and Aquarius there’s a need to stand up against injustice that he sees around him, as well as help strangers, friends, just humanity as a whole. 

Since his Jupiter is in retrograde, the general public can see his good deeds later on past the time he’s done them. He doesn’t tend to dwell/ mind not being seen for it immediately, since Libra Venus focuses more on the now than in the past/future anyways. 

This aspect also brings him immense popularity for those who needs a little help or wants to support him. But he can be very selective on those he lets get close to him. 

Venus (Libra) - Opposition - Saturn (Aries) (R)

His sense of expression, in the fluidity of the Libra is hardened and restricted. He doesn’t know how to fully express his Libra and it’s often due to inactivity or not knowing how to start (Aries Saturn). 

Remember what was said about the signs having multi-dimensional layers to them? Well he can only access certain parts of his Libra because of this aspect. Often times, it restricts his sense of emotions and makes one cautious in showing their love for others. 

There’s a certain stiffness to his responses, since he doesn’t know how to instigate. And when the other person doesn’t initiate these expression of love/affection for a short while, it can lead him to feeling like they might’ve changed their mind and leaving the relationship for good sometimes. 

Needs stability and establishment in his life, yet faces difficulties with trusting/staying long enough to get them. Often riddled with insecurities about himself, he tends to nit-pick and become hyper-aware of all his grooming habits/short comings and tries to work on those as a solution to keep others interested in him. 

Scorpio Mars - 2nd Decan (Ruled by Neptune/Pisces)

Mars in Scorpio possess great energy and devotion to themselves. 

Since Scorpio was traditionally co-ruled by Mars before it was pushed into ruling Pluto. Scorpio Mars natives tends to have a great outlet for their inner tensions and self-driven will. 

Often possessing much physical prowess even with a frail or weak body, there’s something keen to Scorpio Mars focusing on externalizing that energy outwards that makes them seem like such proficient and busy-bodied people when they set their mind into doing something.  

They’re not prone to emotional outbursts, and like Capricorn they tend to hold themselves back a lot when it comes to other people. You will know when you’ve pissed them off, but unless they have other combative placement in their chart (Jungkook has that good Virgo Mercury/Leo Moon) they won’t resort to using their Mars until the last straw. 

His Scorpio Mars is completely at odds with his Libra Venus. Libra talks about making smart choices, complacent and able to compromise (mold themselves to others) until proven completely unjustified. Scorpio Mars talks about the will of self, uncompromising of their choices and feelings, and utterly stubborn until they’ve crashed and burned. This scares his Libra, and often scares the Virgo side of him too.

Scorpio will power can be a sight to see, but it can also border on obsession when it’s focused on a person/goal they want to achieve. 

It’s fixed nature allows it to be strong, often unfazed in the worst challenges or difficult situations-- as they meet the waves head-on. 

Their strength can turn into weakness. Since the uncompromising position can make them obstinate and often times-- selfish. 

To a Scorpio Mars, it’s all about riding that wave. More so than any logical or rational behaviour, they feel alive when they embrace the things they fear and transform that energy into making immense changes. 

There’s a true sense of rawness to a Scorpio Mars will power-- and it’s a testament to how competitive Jungkook could be sometimes.  

Scorpio Mars possess an ability to see through others (Pluto influence) they can manipulate and maneuver others to cater to their best advantage. Yet most of them don’t tend to use it for nefarious reasons, often time it’s for the betterment of the situation or just so they don’t hurt the other’s feelings sometimes.

Jungkook’s Leo Moon/Virgo Sun/Libra Venus would hate this placement if he ever uses it for evil. The power in and of itself-- to be evil or to not-- scares them. Despite being one of the most powerful placement on his chart, he works hard on suppressing this and channelling only a small part of his Scorpio Mars instead.  

Virgo Sun/Mercury doesn’t like disorder, it’s in direct discordance with the structure and self-reliance they’re trying to build (as well as Libra’s harmonious quality) -- often his Scorpio Mars are restricted, almost like it’s working in retrograde, but with his mars repressed it can often lead to him using his Virgo Mercury as an outlet for those inner frustrations instead.

There’s a sense that his Virgo/Libra placement has a strong need for harmonious quality without any of the negative effect. He often holds himself back from feeling negative emotions, often repressing himself and not really understanding who he really is sometimes (slower to realize how he’s feeling since he doesn’t allow negative emotion). 

Now, that’s in the kind-of-distant past. Jungkook now has a much easier time unwinding these inner tension inside of himself now. He probably realizes it too, that heading towards his current direction he would only be faced with self-inflicted challenges and difficulties if his other placement doesn’t get the space/time to shine. 

Through some understanding and effort, he can work on un-suppressing these placements. His Libra Venus meditates between the Virgo Sun/Mercury into letting his Leo Moon/Scorpio Mars come through. Focusing bit by bit on accepting his Scorpio placement would really help him become more discriminatory of people as he matures.

Now let’s touch on that 2nd Decan. Scorpio in the 2nd Decan ruled by Uranus/Pisces accentuate the positive qualities in both signs. 

With Pisces love and compassion, combined with Scorpio’s intensity and focused will-power, there’s a deep need for meaningful relationship and they’re often much more sentimental and willing to give than both of their native signs combined. 

Pisces sun and Scorpio suns both have problems expressing their love and needs in the external world-- but not when it’s in Mars/in Decans with each other. 

Jungkook lucks out in this one, since his Scorpio Mars placement makes him externalize kindness (Pisces) giving-natured (Scorpio) and sentimentality (Pisces) -- often appearing much more romantic and forlorn in seeking the perfect, idealized romance in his life (Pisces/Scorpio/Libra). 

There’s an ability to tune in to unusual wavelengths and sympathize with those who aren’t as  ‘conventional’ than most. It comes with Pisces, an intuition from the subconscious that he makes up in empathy and kindness instead of intellectual understanding for others (Sagittarius-traits). 

Aspects:

Mars (Scorpio) - Square- Jupiter (Aquarius) (R)

Despite how lucky he is with such a good and pure (yes, pure) Mars placement, the way he uses it might pose a problem anyways.

With his physical energy in a difficult position against his expansion/the general public, lady luck doesn’t seem to find it all that endearing sometimes.

Scorpio’s fixated nature (see: obstinate and head strong) tends to come out too much. He often refuses to listen to anyone else, uses physical exertion to settle decisions/habits (see: hitting his hyungs even when he doesn’t mean any harm by it) lash out when he panics or over-works his body in physical activities in order to calm down/settle his anxious mind/blockage. 

Mars (Scorpio) - Square - Uranus (Aquarius) (R)

This aspect combined with the one above makes him act kind of bullheaded sometimes. 

With the slow moving interception of luck (Jupiter) and vision (Uranus) in his Mars, he can be prone to moving/doing something before thinking it through and often leading himself into sticky situations that way. 

Its like the one strong character playing in a team-based game rushing off on their own and the rest of the team couldnt catch up in time to revive them. 

Kinda dumb mistake but with great power comes a great need for patience and to listen to others sometimes right?

Conclusion:

A lovely boy, a full-ass Virgo. Even more Virgo than Namjoon. Jungkook is Virgo in ALOT of ways.

He has so many different tonality to his chart through his placements and decans that you can see why Aries Moon (See: Jin, Taehyung) would be attracted to his Leo/Aries Decan Moon. Or his Libra/Aquarius Venus would attract/endure those with strong Aquarius (See: Hoseok, Taehyung) to him. 

I know I didn’t explain all the good lovely traits of a Libra but we all been knew how they’re like, I’ll probably go more into detail about it on either Namjoon (Libra Mercury) or Jimin (Libra Sun/Mercury)’s chart. 

With Jungkook, it’s just so fascinating to look at how his aspect is working for him/against him. Because that’s the main meat and grit to his character isn’t it? He faces his own challenges in his life and he overcomes it.

I think Jungkook is amazingly perceptive to his own person/chart, like either has amazing intuition or he just naturally know when to fix certain things in his character as he matures. 

Out of all the member, Jungkook is the one who’s developing at the fastest pace. I have a feeling that Jin had a period where he developed himself to a ‘good level’ and then stopped. But Jungkook is more of a consistent and stable climber, he really sneaks up on you. 

We talk so much about his Libra placement but we really don’t touch enough on his Scorpio or Virgo ones like? He’s the one with the double Virgo placement here.  

I don’t think there’s anything to worry about with him tbh, he’s so self-aware and just? so good at dealing with himself that he’ll get through anything and survive.

Not to mention recently he’s been handling himself differently than how he did before (I think around HYYH - end of DNA was the period where he feels static and is still figuring himself out?) After Fake Love debuted  he’s OFF! doing his own thing now, and I’m glad for it since it means he kinda figured something out within himself.

💕Hello! Thank you for reading this far! I tried my best with this post and wanted to give you some Good vibes to read in this hectic time in the bts-realm! I hope all this makes sense but I might come back and try to work through some kinks to make it flow better (I’m a bit dissatisfied with it) but at this point it’s been in my draft for too long and i want it out! After this, I have some girl group stuff I haven’t posted saved up so I’ll be going back to the regular girl-group schedule before I finish a BTS related post again, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! 💕

[songwritingswift]

If I’m being completely honest, I was really sceptical about reputation when it first came out. It just wasn’t what I was expecting and it always takes me a really long time to get used to things, get used to things that were a surprise. But after listening to it and listening to it, I suddenly found myself in love with it. I have a much more complicated relationship with it than I do her other albums and I don’t relate to it as much as I have earlier albums but then I tend to relate to them more strongly when I reach Taylor was when she wrote them so there’s still time. But regardless of all of that, I love it and I’ve learned a lot from it as a songwriter.

… Ready For It? – Such a powerful opener to the album. It sets the scene so richly, especially lyrically. We’re plunged into this brand new world without time to think about anything else. 

Favourite lyric: Every love I've known in comparison is a failure

End Game – Probably my least favourite but only because I’m not a Future or Ed Sheeran fan. I love Taylor’s section and I think it has some of the strongest lyrics of the album in it. 

Favourite lyric: And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em

I Did Something Bad – I will never forget hearing Taylor say ‘shit��� for the first time... I love how empowering this song is. If I need to hype myself for something, this is one of my go to songs. I would love for Taylor to expand on the burning of the witches at some point. 

Favourite lyric: If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing // They're burning all the witches, even if you aren't one

Don’t Blame Me – I love the darkness in this track. I think, at some point in the secret sessions, Taylor said that this one was based around the idea that the three things that can really change a person are love, drugs, and religion and so she tried to incorporate that into the song. I can definitely feel that. I love the gospel like quality to the last choruses.

Favourite lyric: I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy

Delicate – Ugh, the production in this one is so clever and I love a good anti-chorus. The use of the vocoder throughout the album is a really cool way of creating a cohesiveness to it but I also like the way it’s used less and less as the album goes on. I also love how, in the bridge, she sings on all the off beats, creating a really different feel to the rest of the song.

Favourite lyric: Handsome, you're a mansion with a view

Look What You Made Me Do – My brain always assumes I don’t like this song but it’s just the chorus that I don’t really like - I don’t like the spoken-ness to it. But I think it’s SO clever and I love the lyrics in the rest of the song. 

Favourite lyric: But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time

So It Goes… – I feel like this song is not appreciated enough. The symmetry in the lyrics, the imagery, the production... It’s its own world inside a song.

Favourite lyric: But, honestly, baby, who's counting? Who's counting? 1, 2, 3...

Gorgeous – I didn’t really fall in love with this song until I heard it live. Hearing an entire stadium singing it together and it just clicked: I loved it. My one issue with it is that the line ‘unless you wanna come along’ sounds so out of tune to me. Does anyone else hear that?

Favourite lyric: You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong

Getaway Car – I love everything about this song. Everything. It’s a feature film in four minutes. The storytelling is incredible and the imagery is stunning. 

Favourite lyric: THE WHOLE SONG // Should've known I'd be the first to leave, think about the place where you first met me

King Of My Heart – I love the rhythm of the pre chorus and the tension that is then released in the chorus. It’s so clever and creates that feeling of relief that’s mirrored in the lyrics. And I love how the choruses just get bigger and bigger throughout the song. 

Favourite lyric: And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

Dancing With Our Hands Tied – It took a while but now I absolutely love this one. And the songwriting behind it is so fascinating. I love the repetition of ‘I had a bad feeling’ throughout, like that was a constant anxiety. It kind of reminds me of ‘Out of the Woods.’

Favourite lyric: I knew there was no one in the world who could take it, I had a bad feeling // I loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us

Dress – I’ll admit I was shocked by such a bold statement but now I appreciate what went into it and what it means to make that statement. It’s somewhat fitting that this is one of the most honest and vulnerable songs on the album.

Favourite lyric: Flashback to my mistakes, my rebounds, my earthquakes, even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things – I love how sassy this one is. I live for unapologetic Taylor. Again, I think this one is so clever (I mean, who else has used the phrase ‘therein lies the issue’ in a song?!) and I love the last chorus and outro. It was perfect for the tour closer. 

Favourite lyric: And there are no rules when you show up here, bass beat rattling the chandelier

Call It What You Want – THE LYRICS in this one! They’re just amazing. It gives us such an insight into her relationship and that’s really special. 

Favourite lyric: My castle crumbled overnight, I brought a knife to a gunfight, they took the crown but it's alright

New Year’s Day – I love this as an album closer. After all the glitter and the fanfare, we’re left with the heart of Taylor’s music and that is her songwriting. It’s gentle and sincere and pulls you into it’s own little world, one more time before the album finishes. And I love that it’s so simple, production wise; a more complicated arrangement would almost detract from it.

Favourite lyric: Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you, and I will hold on to you

There’s so much more I could write but that’s all I can do for now. Ever since the album came out, I’ve wanted to write a huge, in depth thing about everything in it but I just haven’t been able to. I’ve been so unwell this year and had so many bad experiences with medications that just getting through is all I can manage. I’m grateful to have had reputation through it, even if I can’t say it as eloquently as I would like to. Thank you @taylorswift.

[rindemption]

🌻, 🌾, 🌳, 🥀 for beloved Nate pls and thank

💐 for the nomad boy

🍁 for the nomad girl

🌻 What little things do they notice about people or the world around them that make them happy? What tiny little treasures do they find in the normal every day that makes the world seem a little brighter for them?

Nathan mostly notices the things that make others happy, when something cause someone to smile or laugh. He pays more attention to those he loves and cares about, but he sees it in strangers, too. But the things that make him most happy are the little things about his husband. The little ticks and tells that he keeps to himself that no one else might notice. His habits day to day, his preferences in clothing and music. How he watches everyone like he's analyzing their every move while standing so casually, how he takes his coffee, how he gets more physical when he's agitated, how he sits on the couch. Things that he only began to notice the more they spent time together.

🌾 Describe your OC through the eyes of someone absolutely head-over-heels in love with them

"[Nathan's] sunshine, warm and happy and radiant. Lights up everything everywhere he goes. Makes the dark times bright and easier to go through. Caring and loving, sweeter than anything I've ever known. He feels like safety and peace and I need him. Bubbly and talkative, but strong and stubborn and smart. So talented, and so gorgeous, he's everything to me." - Valen Kinlaw

🌳 What is your OC’s favourite way to relax after a stressful day? Do they have a favourite book to curl up with? A hobby? Or do they have a nice bubble bath and have an early night to bed?

For Nathan, usually taking something apart and putting it back together, even if there's nothing wrong with it. Spending time with his husband, complaining about the day or chatting about nothing consequential. Maybe making a favourite comfort food and curling up on the couch. Mostly he just needs time to decompress and move on.

🥀 How would your OC decorate a notebook or journal? What kind of things are written in there? Could you give an example of a nice entry?

Nathan used to have a notebook, left behind with so many other things. It wasn't decorated, but it was a nice sturdy book, bound in fake leather with good lined paper. It was filled to the brim with bits of lyrics, random thoughts lines of poetry scribbled hastily as they came to him. There were some pages where chunks of text had been cut out, and a few pages later they were glued to a new page, disconnected phrase coming together to make a stanza. He's slowly making another.

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

Vito is actually pretty chill when he's sick, like he is most of the time. If he needs help, he's not afraid to let people see him weak, and he won't push himself if he needs rest. Part of growing up in a community, he learned to accept help and trust in others to willingly pick up his slack. As for who cares for them, now it's his partner: Vesper Kinlaw. He's rather doting, if a bit worried, and honestly Vito loves every second of it. When it comes to caring for others, Vito is gentle and attentive. He makes sure to check what they want and need, and either then leaves them be or keeps them company as requested.

🍁 Where does your OC go when they need to have some time to themself? Would they ever have their own “comfort corner” filled with all the things they like? Do they have a favourite spot outside that feels like its theirs and theirs alone?

Victory grew up among a nomad clan, so time to spare is rarely spent alone. She likes going out to box, either in a ring or on a sandbag. Sometimes long drives in the badlands, or if she's feeling a little more calm staying home to maintain her small collection of plants.

[surveysonfleek]

504.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 25

2401. Does love come from the brain, the heart or elsewhere? scientifically, the brain. 2402. Have you ever given a shot? like vaccination? yes. 2403. Can you lick your elbow? nope. 2404. If i was going to be talking to you for 10 minutes, what would be something really intersting you know a little bit about but would like to know more?? the arts i guess. 2405. If today was a holiday, what would it be? a day were everyone gets to call in sick for work and enjoy themselves lol.

2406. If you were making a mix tape what would you HAVE to have one it? the weeknd. 2407. What do you think of the Sopranos? never watched it. 2408. Can you name three good things about the society you live in? every generally follows rules, respectful, everything ‘works’. How about three bad things? the minority of people who was ignorant, racist, rude etc. 2409. Have you ever had a crush on your teacher? nope. How about your boss? no. 2410. What is the difference between acting like someone in high school and acting like an adult? i guess most teens wouldn’t have the same responsibilities as an adult would have. 2411. What is the differance between a whopper and a whopper jr? the whopper jr is slightly smaller duh. 2413. Do you like: Moby? Run DMC? the Cure? Shakira? Blink182? the Pet Shop Boys? Weezer? Red Hot Chilli Peppers? Nick cave? The Pixies? KRS-One? The Juice Crew? not a huge fan of any of these artists. 2414. Have you ever seen a movie in 3D? yes. 2415. How difficult do you think it is for immigrants to come into your country? it is extremelyyyyy difficult now and it doesn’t matter where you’re from. it’s crazy. How difficult is it for them to become citizens? yes. 2416. Do you have what it takes to go live in another country, maybe for years, where you don't speak the language as your first language? probably not. it would take a lot of work and preparation. 2418. Have you ever died in your dreams? yeah i feel like i have. 2419. Do you like Douglas Adams? Kurt Vonnegut? Tom Robbins? Philip K Dick? Orson Scott Card? 2420. What clothing size are you? 12. 2421. Does science leave room for faith? idk. Does faith leave room for science? idk. 2422. What book should our political leaders read and why? not sure. i haven’t read anything good in awhile. 2423. Why and under what circumstances are people more likely to buy brand names rather then their generic counterparts? some people are just loyal to some brands while other rely on paying more for quality. 2424. What is your favorite glass object? a cup. 2425. Do you like to window shop? not really. 2426. Have you ever loved someone so much it just turned to hate? no. 2427. What is arrogance? check the dictionary. 2428. Are you more liberal or conservative? liberal. 2429. When there is a presidential election in the USA why do we never hear anything about the third party candidtes? Do you even know who they were last time? i don’t live in usa. 2430. Are you more likely to buy one really nice expensive outfit or a couple of cheap outfits? a couple cheap outfits. 2431. If you could, would you wear everything once, throw it out and buy something new? no. 2432. Do you believe that people have a responsiblity to be: good to other people? good at their job? helpful to the earth(not litter, recycle)? aware consumers(not buy animal tested products, not buy products that were made in sweatshops, etc)? non-wasteful (not spend their money frivolously when they could save it to help others)? charitable (donating money, volunteering)? yes to all. Which of the above are you? i’m generally good to other people, good at my job and non wasteful. i need to work on the rest. 2433. How do you feel about the internet? for the most part it’s great. convenient, entertaining and educational at times. Should there be laws and censorship on the internet? yes of course. 2434. Can you think of any questions that aren't already on this survey? no. 2435. Does sleep seem like a little death to you? no lol. 2436. Have you ever seen(and if yes, what did you think of): Joy Ride? Ghost World? Monsters Inc? yeah, it’s a classic. Queen of the Damned? Office Space? 2437. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real? about 5-6? 2438. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: maybe 15. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: i rotate between the same five. 2439. How many lovers have you had? one. 2440. Have you ever had surgery? For what? no. 2441. What puts you in the mood for sex? just the lead up to it i guess. 2442. Have you ever been on alcohol or drugs while at school or work? no. 2443. What do you think of Martha Stewart? i don’t really have an opinion. but i did enjoy her show with snoop dogg. 2445. What do you think of: British people? Australians? Americans? Canadians? Mexicans? French people? Germans? i could totally answer this section but i don’t wna come off as stereotyping these nationalities. 2446. What do you do to cure the hiccups? i haven’t had hiccups in years. 2447. What is the FIRST thing you do when you come home from school or work? get changed. 2448. Are you a slob? sometimes. 2449. Do you have a good work ethic? generally, yeah. 2450. Are you a pack-rat? nope. 2451. Do you roll your eyes alot? not that i’ve noticed. 2452. Do you prefer b-sides or remixes? b sides. 2453. What makes the world go 'round? love. 2454. Is Blink182 punk or pop? both. 2455. Do you remember Fat Albert? yes. 2456. Do you take things slowly, as they come? sometimes. 2457. Are you laid back or tense? more tense i think. 2458. Are you insecure? sometimes. 2459. Imagine you are working in a soup kitchen. You are supposed to give each person on the line a half a cup of soup. When hungry people come up to you do you just end up emptying the cabinets for them? i would tell them to come back for seconds so everyone in the line can have an equal share first. 2460. Why can't we give ourselves one more chance? we can. Why can't we all just get along? idk. 2461. What bands do you want to see live that you have never seen? idk. 2462. Do you like raunchy songs (like that lick ny neck, lick my back, lick my pussy, lick my crack song)? hahaha that’s probably the only raunchy blunt song i enjoy. 2463. Do you think that the Beatles are still the Beatles without John Lennon? never really a fan so i can’t comment. Would you want to see the Sex Pistols without Sid Vicious? no. Did you think that the members of Nirvana were smart to reform as the Foo Fighters instead of trying to stay Nirvana after Kurt's death? sure. 2464. Do you like the band Squeeze? never heard of them. 2465. When you are angry or upset do you know you're being irrational but you can't really stop? yep. 2466. Is there room in your life for one more trip to the moon? nah. 2467. Where are they now: Your first best friend in elementary school? no idea. your first crush? married to someone i went to uni with. your first boy/girlfriend? i’m still with him. your first love? ^ your first lover? ^ 2468. Do you have a lot of self pity? kinda. 2469. have you ever had something really good come out of something really bad that happened to you? not that i know of. 2470. Do you like magnetic poetry? what is that.. 2471. What is one of your secret delights? napping. surveys lol. What gives you a cheap thrill? youtube. What is your biggest guilty pleasure? idk. shopping. 2472. Have you ever misinterpreted song lyrics in a funny way (I used to think that 'wake me up before you go, go' was 'wake me up and buy me cocoa')? yes. 2473. What are the most popular/overused diary names? - 2474. Are you under pressure? yes. 2475. How well do you know yourself? well enough. 2476. Is 'soul' such an old fashioned word? no? Is 'love'? no. 2477. Name a person you love: my boyfriend. How do you love them? Let's count the ways... i love everything about him. 2478. Does your place have a lawn gnome? no. 2479. Do you ever wonder, 'why me'? sometimes. When? when i’m having a shitty time at work. 2480. Is rap a form of poetry? yes. 2481. What's the difference between a player and a baller? lol. 2482. What imagery do you get from the words 'woodsmoke and herbs'? someone cooking. 2483. How many days until your birthday? exactly a month. 2484. have you ever MEANT to hurt anyone? eh, kinda. 2485. What are 3 things you don't know? more than three things. 2486. Do you usually feel physically well or unwell? no. 2487. Would you ever submit your picture to be 'rated' on one of those 'hot or not' websites? no way. 2488. Why are there hardly ever any fat people in movies? because it doesn’t fit the hollywood aesthetic sadly. 2489. Is there any difference between what's real and what's for sale? i guess? 2490. Are you funky? no. 2491. Do apologies always make things all better? sometimes. not always. 2492. Let's just say that there is a huge ass bomb that can blow up the Whole Planet..it is set to blow up in 100 years. You can push the button to stop it but if you do you Will die. You only have this one chance to stop it. Do you stop it? it would have to be proven to me that it’s real first. i’m not gna kill myself over nothing. 2493. Let's say someone else found the button to stop it instead of you. Do you think it is their moral obligation to save humanity at the expense of their own life? it’s a tough decision so i wouldn’t be so quick to judge it tbh. 2494. What's the silliest name you can think of? idk. 2495. It's the middle of the night and you are home alone. Someone knocks on the door and says their car broke down and asks to use your phone. What do you do? let them use my phone but keep them outside. 2496. If a cop pulled you over and asked if he could search your car what would you say? i’d have to see if they’re even allowed to do that first. but i have nothing to hide anyway. 2497. Are you meek or nasty around cops? meek. if they’re breath testing me i just want it over and done with so i can go. 2498. If you were me and I was you then where would we be? idk. 2499. What has been the greatest invention so far? there have been plenty. power, lighting, all modes of transport, internet, all technology, medicine etc. 2500. We are at question 2500. Do you REALIZE what this MEANS??!!! halfway woo.

[hutterlust]

Kraftwerk - Royal Albert Hall 21/06/2017

Kraftwerk are my favourite band. Their performance was spectacular. So why does this long-term fan have such mixed emotions about the whole thing?

It's an impossible gamble, going to see a band you've loved for 25+ years but never seen live. I don't just love Kraftwerk; Kraftwerk are like a way of life to me. With so much weight of love and expectations, how can four aging human beings be anything but a mild anticlimax?

Anticlimax feels like the wrong word for such a triumphant, spectacular show. In every sense, Kraftwerk embody perfection: perfect pop melodies, perfectly shimmering minimal-maximal arrangements, perfect integration of music, lyrical text and graphic imagery for an emotionally overwhelming experience. But that's just it. I was expecting to be overwhelmed. Other friends described crying in their seats. I felt excitement, arousal, sentimentality, amusement, wonder, and on the rare occasion, even faint ennui. But I was not overwhelmed, and I had expected to be.

The Royal Albert Hall is a beautiful venue, built with the very best of high Victorian acoustic sound design. Kraftwerk have a reputation for getting absolutely pristine sound quality in the most unexpected of places, concrete bunkers, glass art galleries, turbine halls, so this should not have been a problem. The sound design itself was astonishingly beautiful, the three-dimensional aspects of their electronic "sound-paintings" as spatial journeys, with fast German cars and express trains and spacelabs that genuinely seemed to whiz about one's ears in physical space, thanks to speakers above, to the sides, and even behind the audience. And yet where I was expecting perfect sound, I instead had a very annoying imperfection. The huge booming sub-bass, the hallmark of Kraftwerk's groundbreaking electronic sound, was distorted and harsh, where it should have been warm and oceanic. With the expectation of “perfect”, merely good feels like a disappointment.

And the 3D visuals themselves, I'm afraid, were not a success for me. I often have this problem with 3D imagery and Virtual Reality (there are studies to show that this is a phenomenon whose experience varies greatly with one's sex) that it makes me feel dizzy and unwell with a sensation like motion sickness. I used the 3D glasses for a couple of performances where it seemed churlish not to: Autobahn, with its racing cars; and Spacelab, where Kraftwerk showed off both their stunning sense of the sublime with satellite views and the romance of interplanetary travel, and also their subtle German humour. The films depicted Kraftwerk as interplanetary visitors, flying their probe over specially programmed local landmarks - the Geordies got the Tyne bridge, we got the Houses of Parliament - before landing at the venue. Kraftwerk’s gestures towards locality have been hugely popular in other cities, but provoked a mixed response at the RAH. Before the gig, chatting with other fans, I asked how far they had travelled. London gigs are by their nature hugely cosmopolitan; it turned out the man on my left had flown in from Zurich, while the man on my right was Italian. When I said I was from Streatham, the two men in front of me turned around and proudly told me that they were, too. When London appeared on the Spacelab’s viewfinder, a huge cheer went up from the Streathamites; our neighbours were understandably nonplussed.

With the glasses, the projections seemed so tangible, I reached out a hand to stop the Spacelab’s antennae poking my eyes out, but it was impossible for me to use them for more than a minute or two at a time without feeling sick. I suppose it was good for me as a listener, as it forced me to concentrate on the musicians, though I know this is the opposite of what the band intend. The point of Kraftwerk has, since the days of The Man Machine, been to erase the individual, to create four identical units behind their workstations. And yet watching the players from so close (I was in the third row) the most enchanting details were the highly personal ones. Even the way they stand is revealing. Falk on the far right stands very erect, his shoulders braced, the posture of a man avoiding backstrain, using a workstation designed for people about four inches shorter than him. Tiny Fritz beside him, stretches to change the settings on his controllers, while Henning and Ralf slouch far more naturally.

It's the moments when the Musikarbeiters reveal themselves as fallible, and therefore most human that are always the most delightful. Ralf flubs the final chord at the end of Airwaves, emits an audible "ach!" then slams his elbows down on the keyboard in a dramatic musical fart. He is naturally very shy, and barely speaks to the audience at all, so the moment at the end of Tour de France, where his excitement overcomes him, and he announces with gleeful boyish enthusiasm, that Le Tour is coming to Düsseldorf, provides an intimate glimpse into a very warm and human Ralf. It's a common criticism that Kraftwerk play "with the showmanship of four old men checking their email onstage" but the moment that a younger, impossibly beautiful and perfectly still Ralf appears in a 70s-era video for Radioactivity projected above the elderly Ralf's head, it's clear that their Kabuki stillness has always been an aesthetic choice.

And close up, the moments of intimate connection with their machines and with each other become far more apparent. Henning is a very physical player, he grasps his filter sweeps and seems to twist them with his whole body, contorting his legs until the splay of his knees matches the funk of his bass. During Chrono, Henning and Fritz demonstrate some impressively choreographed simultaneous leg-bends. Ralf taps an incessant beat with his right knee, and has particularly unquiet hands. He often plays a melody with his right hand, while adjusting a control with his left, but even when his left hand is unoccupied, he gestures like a maestro, beats time like a conductor, and seems to caress the very air that carries his soundwaves with a graceful fluidity and almost a femininity that speaks of the level of care he takes over his music. It is, all, played very live. The rare glitches and flubs and moments where Ralf alters a melodic line by half a beat or mispronounces a word, echoed through layers of vocoder and harmonic duplication only serve to highlight the utter perfection that Kraftwerk normally achieve. With the exception of The Robots, where the machines are left to play by themselves, it is for the most part not heavily sequenced. These are fallible human beings playing with and against and through the grid of the machine.

I arrived over an hour early at the Royal Albert Hall, which, given the stringent ID and bag checks (and the resultant queues, which delayed the start of the performance by nearly 20 minutes) turned out to be a very sensible choice. So I stood in the bowels of the building, while a friendly concierge held open the door to take advantage of the limited air conditioning, listening to the soundcheck, feeling my fangirl excitement rise. The whole thing felt unreal, until that moment, listening to Ralf level-check his vocals, his microphone, his vocoder, the mix level of the plug-in that allows him to manipulate the harmonics of his own voice using his keyboard, even barking at his technicians in his rapid-fire Düsseldorf German. Of course Ralf speaks to his crew in German, what other language would he use? (Well, over the course of the evening, he sings fluently in English, German, French, Spanish and Japanese, so this is not an entirely moot question.) But the detail still delights me.

But after the long wait, watching the band while they performed felt oddly unsatisfying. Rather than a concert or a rave, it felt like watching an extremely well-shot film of a Kraftwerk performance projected with perfect verisimilitude. I felt very detached from the show, a spectator at a spectacle, rather than a participant in a sea of bodies and minds melding to a hypnotic beat. Maybe it was the cramped seats. It is very, very hard to dance while seated (I gave it my best) and any attempts at dancing in the aisles were shut down quite quickly by enormous and terrifying bouncers. Many of the songs have been updated specifically for dancing – Spacelab has always been a banger, but Airwaves in particular has been remade with such a throbbing disco bassline that I quipped it had become “I Feel Space” (though it’s important to remember that both Moroder and Lindstrom are inheritors of a lineage of which Kraftwerk were the progenitors). Yet as I cast my eye over the front rows, all of us filming and photographing in flagrant disregard of the posted regulations (it’s odd that we were specifically told not to film, but smartphones were not policed in the way that dancing bodies were) I realise that it is not Kraftwerk who are trapped at computer terminals, checking their emails, unable to dance, but us.

I hate to admit it, but I was bored during The Model, though the audience certainly greeted it most triumphantly, the one moment where defiant dancers outnumbered the heavies. But that one line – “For every camera she gives the best she can” – lampshaded what former Kraftwerker Karl Bartos would later make explicit in his solo work. Photography, like scientific observation in the uncertainty model, changes not just The Model, but the Photographer, too. I was not just watching and listening to Ralf Hütter, but I was aware, constantly, of my Taschen-Computer in der Hand, wanting to capture every adorably satisfied smile, every hand gesture, every crinkle of that imperiously pointed nose demarking the beats of the song. I don’t hold the data-memory; the data-memory holds me. And it changes everything. I noticed, as I was focusing, for dozens of photos, that Ralf kept looking over, turning directly into the gaze of my camera.

At first, I thought this was due to the huge gender imbalance of the front rows. It’s odd. I know from online fandom that Kraftwerk have many, many female fans. Yet that concert, overwhelmingly, at least 2 to 1, was, as another lone woman behind me put it, “a sausage party”. (This, I believe is not about lack of female interest in Kraftwerk, but about age and demographics. I saw a number of older men attending with adult children. I saw no younger children at all. And unfortunately, removing children from an audience, in this culture, almost always means removing an entire generational block of women. However, this did make for a refreshing lack of bathroom queues.) There were perhaps only 3 or 4 women in the front section, all gathered just in the spot where Ralf coincidentally kept throwing his gaze. It’s a shock, the moment that one, as an audience member, realises that the musicians can see their audience. I recognise this may have been entirely my imagination, but there was a sequence (during Autobahn, IIRC) when Ralf was soloing particularly intensely, his legs far apart, his lyrca-clad crotch angled just so, in a stereotypically Rock Star, and particularly uncharacteristic-for-Ralf pose. But as I raised my camera a little higher to try to capture it, Ralf glanced up, appeared to lock eyes with me, clocked the camera, and immediately snapped to, standing up straight and closing his untowardly splayed legs. Ralf’s modesty was preserved; I did not get my photo of this particular area of interest.

It was not until much later, after the concert, going through my photos on the train home that I worked out what was really happening. In most of my close-ups, Ralf’s eyes were downcast, focusing very intently on something on the top left corner of his workstation. Fan photos of their equipment reveal that to the top left of Ralf’s keyboard are where the filter sweeps, pitch-bend wheel and other sound modification and control devices are located. Every interaction was almost certainly entirely my imagination. Ralf’s attention was not drawn by our presence, but by his own tech.

But my hunger for this moment of connection, so strong as to conjure it from brief glances, seems to highlight precise lack that prevents me from fully enjoying the show. When I listen to live Kraftwerk recordings alone, on headphones, the sense of connection is so complete, so total, that it can reduce me to tears. But at the venue, I cannot seem to exist in the moment, and not try to mediate the experience through a screen. But Kraftwerk’s very theme, through most of the work they play, from Airwaves and Neon Lights to Computer Love and Electric Café, and right through to the various Étapes of the Tour de France Soundtracks, is the mediation of communication through technology. “Transmission, television / Reportage sur moto / Camera, video et photo.”

Through the medium of technology, the group have preserved their own departed former members. To watch Kraftwerk live is to listen to ghosts, preserved flickering in their machines. The bombastic middle section of Trans Europe Express – Metall auf Metall – is a triumph of technology finally catching up with Kraftwerk’s ideas. For years, their percussionists struggled to recreate the industrial Klang of sheet metal using primitive, complicated drum-pads made from spare parts and triggered with electrically conductive knitting needles and rickety volume pedals. Now, each element of the cacophonous symphony is triggered by a fingertip’s touch on a sample pad. Kraftwerk have launched decades-long lawsuits detailing who, precisely has the right to use those samples. And yet, it seems odd how much of their sound-paintings (and 3D film-paintings) are dependent on the precise digital recreation of sounds (and images) of people who are no longer present.

Ralf’s long-term collaborator, the co-founder of the band, Florian Schneider, though his madcap, slightly sinister presence is long-gone from stage right, is, even in his absence, a constant, palpable presence to the observant fan. It is Florian’s heavily vocodered voice, rather than Ralf’s, that echoes through Radioactivity, enumerating the contaminated sites – Tschernobyl, Harrisburgh, Sellafield – whose accidents stand as warnings to us all. In the animations that accompany Autobahn, based on Emil Schult’s playful album cover painting, a VW Beetle and a Mercedes 600 Limousine chase one another about an imagined German countryside. The grey Beetle with Krefeld plates (I always thought the KR of those plates referred to Kraftwerk, until I visited Krefeld, and was surrounded by KR plates) was Ralf’s car, which Kraftwerk toured in through much of the early 70s. The presidential blue Mercedes, on the other hand, was Florian’s notoriously temperamental trophy ride, detailed in numerous Kraftwerk biographies. Knowing this detail, it’s hard to watch this film and not imagine the two Boy Racers still chasing one another down the Autobahn.

During the last encore’s medley, from Techno Pop into Music Non Stop, the projections showed Rebecca Allen’s groundbreaking wire-frame computer animations of the band in the 80s, looking both very cool and hip in a retro way, but still amazingly futuristic. Again, it is slightly disconcerting to watch a youthful Ralf’s digitised head rotating above his more elderly body. But as the animations lovingly detail the computerised creation of the wire-frame head from digital points, then lines, to angled surfaces and a recognisably human shape, it soon becomes clear that the face slowly materialising on the screen is in fact Florian, with his very distinctive prow of a nose, and bright, mad scientist eyes. Part of me wants to dismiss this as a simple mistake, choosing the wrong file; but another part of me wants to believe that Kraftwerk do not make mistakes, despite the plentiful evidence of the charming human fallibility of this tour. It feels deliberate, that Florian’s digital ghost still hangs heavy over this museum-quality archive of Kraftwerk’s performance.

In their traditional final sequence, each musician takes a final solo, showing off their Technik, before moving to the side of the stage for a final bow and a wave – or kiss – goodnight. At the end, Ralf is left alone, improvising steadily lower on a ghostly vocodered chorus of sampled “oh”s, until the pitch becomes too low for humans to hear. I’ve watched his livestreamed goodbyes from a dozen YouTubed performances, and yet he never fails to look surprised and a little overwhelmed by the intensity of the audience’s love for him. I am concentrating too hard on filming to see until later, his nervous ticks, his shy little jig of pleasure, his repeated bows, hand on heart – I could have sworn he blew us a kiss, but I may have forced that, too, into being with the strength of my own desire.

[becksbucky]

Chester

This doesn’t feel real. I’m almost having an out of body experience while writing this. But I felt, after hours of sitting around unable to truly process the news, that I needed to do what I do best – and that’s write. Over the years, during my own personal struggles, I’ve found that the way I process is to write everything down, every emotion, every thought and feeling. Whether it make sense or not. And in the wake of the news of Chester Bennington’s death I know I just have to make my voice heard, for those, like Chester, who’s voices can no longer be. This hits extremely close to home, for a number of reasons. Linkin Park’s music and Chester Bennginton’s voice have been with me through most of my teenage years, during what I thought – at the time – was the most difficult part of my life. But I was wrong, because in fact it wasn’t my early teenage years which were the hardest, it was my late teens and early adult life that has, so far, been the biggest struggle. Linkin Park’s music has been with me through all of that, their lyrics resonate so deeply, their music speaking words I never felt I could. But now I can. And so I will.

I have to admit, before I endured the pain of mental health for myself I never really understood what it was, what it meant to be mentally unwell, to be suicidal. And I definitely didn’t understand why people found it so hard to talk about. Now I do. Because even now, even being on the other side of depression, anxiety, and passive suicidal thoughts (yes I’m saying that out loud, something I very rarely do because honestly, it scares people when you say there’s a voice in your head – your own voice mostly – telling you that you are not worthy to live, that no one wants you, cares for you, or would be bothered if you were gone, if you just disappeared – but let me tell you, and myself for I know that this bright patch will not be the end of my struggles, how wrong that voice is) but yes, even being on the other side and feeling positive, it is still difficult to discuss. There’s still a part of me that hesitates when someone asks, or someone brings up mental health. Do I say I’ve been through it? That I’m going through it? That I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression? That I’ve taken anti-depressants? That I’ve had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, twice? What do I say? Do I say anything at all? So speaking from that experience, from my own worries and irrational thinking, it is hard to talk about, no matter if people know you’ve been through it or not.

With the rise of social media, and how easy it is to be an internet troll and spread anonymous hate, I have seen a rise in self-deprecating jokes. Jokes that I myself have made too, I won’t deny that. Posts that joke about how it would be better if you were dead. Take a look through Facebook, it won’t take long to find one. That kind of thinking, being drilled into our generation is so so dangerous, and I admit I’ve contributed to that rhetoric myself, I don’t pretend to be a saint. But I just felt, with what has happened today, with a celebrity who has touched so many people’s lives, saved so many people’s lives with his voice and music, that it was a good time to address the issue of these kinds of jokes, and this way of thinking about ourselves. Of discussing mental health, freely, openly.

I guarantee you, those who are actually reading this, you know someone who has, or is, going through a tough time with mental health, or maybe that person is you. As a person who has been through it myself, who is still going through it, I want to let you know that you will not feel this way forever, there is a light and with the right help and guidance you will get through this. For those of you know who know someone, extend an arm today, remind your friend you are there for them, that whether or not you understand their struggles you will be there to talk if they need you. Please let them know that they are loved, and cherished, and most importantly that they MATTER. Their voice MATTERS. Because when they get through this they will be able to help someone else get through it too, and then that person will help another and so on and on, until together we tackle mental health once and for all.

Chester Bennington’s voice matters. It still matters and it will always matter. Just like YOU. His band’s music, his lyrics will matter. And with the out pouring of love for him, his story, tragic as it is, should help others see that there is more to life than what you are feeling right now. I have been privileged to see and hear Chester Bennington and Linkin Park live, more than once, and I will never ever forget those experiences. Linkin Park changed my life, and what has happened today doesn’t change that.  

I’m still at a loss for words (although it doesn’t seem that way with how I’ve ranted above) regarding Chester, and I think it may take me a while to fully recover, and I fully expect my own mental health to take a hit these next few days, but the good thing is that I know I will recover and I know that, if I ever feel suicidal, I will immediately seek help. My heart goes out to his family, his friends, and his adoring fans on this tragic day. I’ve seen a lot of people quoting Linkin Park lyrics, and so I thought I’d follow the pattern, with a little twist.

Because let me just say, in the end it DOES matter. YOU MATTER. I just wish, Chester, with how you’ve helped us in the past, that we could have done something to help you. My heart truly aches.

We all have our little ways of handling tough times, and mine is my TV shows and it is with a very heavy heart that I quote you a line from my favourite TV show; ‘yu gonplei ste odon’ – translating to; Your fight is over, Chester Bennington.

I love you Chester, may you rest peacefully. And May We Meet Again.

“Monsters are real and ghosts are real too. They live inside us and sometimes, they win.” – Stephen King.

[suchawonderfullife]

1. The silver lining..

For those who know me personally, you may be wondering why I’ve called this blog “such a wonderful life”? Well, “Wonderful Life” by Hurts is a song of significance to me. The lyrics start with:

“On a bridge across the Severn on a Saturday night, Susie meets the man of her dreams. He says that he got in trouble and if she doesn’t mind He doesn’t want the company But there’s something in the air They share a look in silence and everything is understood Susie grabs her man and puts a grip on his hand as the rain puts a tear in his eye. She says Don’t let go Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life Don’t let go Never give up, it’s such a wonderful life”

It’s about a man about to commit suicide, when he is stopped by a woman, she grabs his hand and assures him it will all be okay. The lyrics continue with her seeing his pain, they fall in love and he starts to believe her words. She saves him. 

I used to listen to this song through my sickest and darkest days. This song still evokes strong emotion when I listen to it, I think because of the memory of how sick I was when I needed to hear these words the most. I remember countless nights in my early 20′s, feeling such immense loneliness and emotional suffering. It would be 2am or some ridiculous time, my insomnia in fine form and I’d just spent another day (like hundreds before that) home alone, too sick to watch tv, talk to anybody or do anything relatively normal. My level of pain and suffering was incomprehensible and honestly, I’m astonished I survived it. I used to meditate lying down, for hours on end just to try and alleviate some of my symptoms, then I’d lie on the couch listening to classical music as that’s all my body could cope with. If I wasn’t on the couch listening to music, I was in bed in complete silence and darkness, just breathing, hoping to fall asleep (but unable to) and waiting for another day to pass. So at 2-3-4am, when the magnitude of my isolation was felt the most, tears streaming down my face and all I could think about was falling asleep and hoping to never wake up, this song spoke to the deepest part of my soul. The part of me that knew life was worth fighting for and that I needed to try and hold on a little longer. You can listen to the song here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TB1x67Do5U

I have to tell you how glad I am that I did hold on. I survived years of suffering that I would not wish on my worst enemy. When you have no hope outside of that fire that burns within you, when doctors tell you you’re too sick to be treated and they don’t know how to help you, that you may never get better, the majority of your friends abandon you from lack of understanding and judgement and there is nothing in your day that brings you joy, distraction or relief. When you’re isolated beyond comprehension and left feeling like a worthless burden to those selfless enough to stick around and love and care for you regardless. I’m glad my multiple suicide attempts through those times were never successful. I’m glad the universe has kept me here. Now I have hope and the possibility of returning to a life where feeling joy, having the ability to participate in society and achieving my goals, will outweigh my level of suffering. I may even feel somewhat “normal”- now that’s a dream i’ve had for almost a decade. 

In just over a month’s time, I will be travelling to the Hansa Center in Wichita Kansas for life-saving treatment for Late Stage Nuerological Lyme Disease and many other conditions this illness has graced me with. This trip has been a year in the making. Over 8 years of trialling endless treatments, a multitude of tests, dozens of doctors, anecdotal evidence from friends and fellow sufferers on their own journey and lastly a years research solely on this clinic and why this is my best shot at helping my body fight such a devastating disease. A disease that has robbed 12 years of my life, taken away my dreams and life plans, has control of all my organs (including my brain), nervous system and tissues, causes dozens (even hundreds) of debilitating symptoms and has actually made me grateful to be the person I am today. 

I don’t want this blog to simply be about me harping on about how sick I am/was, treatments and other sad or challenging things. To me it’s about finding hope and positivity in whatever your circumstances and learning to be grateful for the lessons through things you cannot change or do not have control over. I want this blog to change the way you see the world, to inspire you to never give up, to fight for what you want and to face whatever it is that’s holding you back. 

There is always something positive to come from any experience. A silver lining if you will. So here is mine: In my 2 years of “remission” (ages 18-20), though I didn’t know it was remission at the time, I was a very different person to who I am now. I was still kind-hearted, thoughtful, loving and a decent human being (in my opinion). But I was superficial and possibly too driven. I prided myself on how hard I could work and how much I could achieve. Rest or down-time was not something I cared for. I studied full-time and worked 2-3 jobs. Working less than 20 hours a week was not acceptable to me. I would head out with friends on weekends for big nights out, I was extroverted (still am) and very likeable. I found it easy to get along with anybody and make new friends. My looks were very important, as a personal trainer, exercise was my life and I loved being known as a “gym junkie.” 

I valued myself on how I looked, men finding me attractive, my achievements and status of profession and how likeable I was to others. Basically, I sought value within myself through superficial and tangible parts of my life (as most of us do). So when I became ill, I lost everything that gave me a sense of purpose and made me who I was. A year into being diagnosed as chronically ill (age 21) and I became severely depressed, even suicidal, partly due to my ongoing isolation and grieving the loss of everything I once had. It took me a long time to learn how to re-build my self-worth from nothing. But I did it. 

I slowly learnt the value of being grounded, the importance of genuine connection and meaningful relationships over going out and being liked by whomever I may meet. Now I’d rather have quality time with one good friend, than head out with 10 friends where the conversation is potentially shallow. I’ve learnt how to value myself despite my looks (I haven’t been able to exercise in 8 years and putting makeup on is only possible on really “well” days), despite being unable to work or whatever profession I may have in the future and despite being unable to contribute or participate in society like people expect. Those are the things society TELLS us are important, but if you take them all away, you’re left with nothing. Imagine losing all that shapes you as “you,” becoming a lifeless shell of your former self, how would you get through that and rebuild who you are? 

So what’s important to me now above all else, is my integrity, morals and how I treat others. I’m a good person, I know this and that’s what matters. I also learnt how to say no. How to set boundaries and make sure that I take care of myself first and foremost and others second. I used to bend over backwards for people, but when I put people’s well-being before my own, it was usually for them to like me, to keep the peace, or out of fear they would abandon me if I didn’t help. So my intentions (although from a good place) were actually not genuine. I’ve learnt how to be true to myself and only say yes to things that serve me or things I am capable of doing whilst maintaining my own physical and emotional health. “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” remember that. I also learnt through counselling that you do yourself a disservice every time you step outside yourself and your core values, to simply please someone else. You become inauthentic and are essentially hurting yourself. 

I’m still extroverted, but I’ve learnt how to be alone and embrace simply doing nothing. At 18 I couldn’t even sit through a yoga class, I thought it was “stupid” to waste time breathing deeply and relaxing. I used to get anxiety if it was a Saturday night and I wasn’t out doing something. I hated being on my own with nothing to do. However now, I actually enjoy time alone, doing nice things for myself like having a bath, cooking a healthy meal, going for a walk, sitting in a cafe drinking a coffee just watching people, spending a whole day on the couch binge-watching whatever show I am obsessed with at the time and more. It’s OK to do nothing and this took years for me to accept. But don’t get this confused with severe isolation when you are bedridden. That is when I wanted to die and being that sick, for that long with very limited social contact is beyond challenging and heart-breaking. I am very fortunate to not be THAT sick right now and to have the (although limited) freedom of making some choices on my better days. 

Moreover, I learnt that my circumstances and life need no explanation. I don’t owe anybody anything. I used to justify and explain myself out of fear of judgement. The looks I get when I park in a disabled spot, or get pushed around the shops in a wheelchair, yet would hop out of it to look at something. Feeling unwell at an event and needing to go lie down or leave and not knowing how to tell someone, cancelling plans or suddenly becoming too unwell to speak, move or tolerate a normal sound or smell. It’s exhausting to feel the need to constantly justify your circumstances to people. So I don’t and I don’t care if people don’t “get it.” They’re not people I need in my life. 

I’m also more than happy to put people in their place who feel the need to comment on my circumstances to which they know nothing about. Such as the social injustice warriors fighting for the rights of the disabled and their parking spots. I acknowledge their comment by telling them to go look at the VALID sticker on the dashboard that is registered to me. Ignorance is bliss and good for them, but I certainly won’t be a sitting duck to morons who think their opinion actually matters. I know people sick like myself who would benefit greatly from a disabled sticker, yet are too scared to get one because they may get nasty comments from onlookers as they are not in a wheelchair, of prehistoric age or missing a limb. This may mean the difference between them able to go to the shops or leave their house, something many take for granted. A friend once said (towards people like that) “It must be nice to have such a privileged opinion on disability when you are in full health.” 

My point is, my view of the world and what I thought was important was guided by what society was telling me. Working hard, always being busy, looking good, putting others first and caring what people think. Being so sick from Lyme Disease gave me the time and necessity to build myself back up from nothing and to be able to think for myself. I don’t buy into superficial connections, fakeness, striving for things that will help my social status, people liking me, or doing something because “it’s what you do” or “society says,” because life is too short. What an absolute waste of time and energy that is. 

I’m am empath and I’ve been fortunate enough to find the ability to listen to what my soul really needs in order to be authentic. I have honestly found my true self through all my heartache and I may not ever have had the chance to do that, if I didn’t get sick. You’ll see that I am unapologetically honest about who I am, my life, my desires, interests and dreams. I own who I am and what I want because I am at my happiest when I am true to myself. I don’t believe in filtering my life to ease others discomfort. If you’re uncomfortable, that’s not my problem and I gravitate only towards those who “get me” and embrace all that I am. I can’t tell you how elating that feels. I’ve lost friends because of who I am and choices I’ve made, as they were judgemental and couldn’t see past their own social conditioning and bubble of reality. Don’t get me wrong, that hurts, but they don’t deserve me in their life if that’s their mindset towards someone simply being who they are. This is an outlook people in their 40′s or 50′s start to tap into, when they get tired of living their life how they think they’re supposed to and they just want to be happy. I found this in my 20′s and what a beautiful gift that is. 

If you meet me or have met me, I hope you feel that my energy is genuine, that I have depth, an ability to listen with intent to understand and not simply reply and that I honestly care for people. I have an outlook of positivity, I’m a solutions person and I always find a silver lining. 

How did I get there though? Through my chronic illness journey I have studied Buddhism, found the benefits of Reiki, healing crystals, meditation, detoxing, mindfulness techniques, sought counselling for deep-seeded emotional traumas, read many self help books and more. I got to a point where my physical suffering was so severe and I had nothing to alleviate it, that I decided I needn't suffer more with emotional or mental pain. If I could at least control my mind and learn how to be happy or at peace through my suffering, then maybe I would either get through it, or at least die with some peace. Your mind and the way you view things has such immense power. This kind of growth didn’t only help me “find myself”, but I learnt that it is paramount to long-term recovery. My recovery didn’t start until AFTER I tapped into all these things. 

So I need to express to sufferers out there, that you will NEVER get better if you do not deal with your “shit”, work on yourself and learn how to find peace through your suffering. We all carry trauma and if you’re sick, then it is a part of your chronic illness story. Don’t try to simply fix the physical. I’ve heard this from multiple practitioners and health experts as well, so it’s not just my anecdotal evidence or personal belief. The Hansa Center focus on emotional healing and (from my understanding) adhere to this same belief. 

Thanks for reading. Next I will discuss the journey that led me to choosing Hansa and why I did. Make sure you hit “follow” for future updates.  

Love xx