#these past few months have just been a lot of me realizing how fucked ive been and how deep i keep digging

[saddlepunk]

can literally only swing an apartment w another person and my bf is on the brink of backing out so i have to figure out what the hell is goin on there but god... god!!! i just want to escape!!! i was so goddamn close and now im being knocked all the way back!!! i dont even know where to /start/ looking for a new place to live or people to live with i just. what the fuck is wrong with me and why does this keep happening.

[laikahh]

[elliespeach]

no chances part six | ellie williams

pairing: ellie williams x afab reader synopsis: you and ellie are on rival volleyball teams and after letting your competitive nature get the better of both of you, tensions are high on and off the court. warnings: 18+, foul language, implied sexual themes, no smut, fluff after the angst, ellie is a little mean to herself in this part, mentions of weed uhhhh i think thats it? if i missed anything pls let me know authors note: this is the last part guys :)) i wanna do an epilogue but it wont count as a full part really but expect that!! thank you guys so so so much for all the love for this series it really means a lot you have no idea. my bad it took me so long to get this part out, ive been quite busy with life and being sickly but i am so happy to share this with you guys finally !!! i hope it's everything u wanted and more <333 w peace n loveeee

somehow you had managed to keep yourself collected until the end of the game, returning to the gym after splashing some water on your face. ellie never made an appearance, instead remained sulking in her car at how she had treated you. she knew you didn’t deserve that and it haunted her while she drove, alone and in silence. with her absence your team had taken the win but you found it hard to be in a cheerful mood, instead putting on a fake face for your teammates while they were over the moon. the bus ride back was loud and full of energy, everyone was complimenting each other on how they had played, and congratulating each other on a glorious victory. 

at the beginning of the season this would have never bothered you so much. ellie’s words did little to affect you then, but now it took over your mind and her words echoed in your head. her decision to sit out because of you weighed on you heavily and it felt like you were about to burst into tears at any moment. not only sit out, but not show up at all. you’ve always hated her, but the past few months have felt different. felt lighter and more playful, rather than how it was in the beginning. 

staring out of the window, watching the blurry trees zip by while the bus went down the highway, you thought about the hotel. the one little moment you two had shared that wasn’t driven by lust. you weren’t sure what it was that night, but you remember how nice it had felt. seeing her in a completely different light for the first time, wrapped in her arms and just feeling at peace. a tear fell from your eye and you quickly wiped it away, shaking your head and deciding to not think about it right now. 

when you got back into your dorm room, peeling off your clothes and jumping straight into the shower you finally broke down. letting out any and all emotions you had about her. you remained in the shower way longer than you had to, just letting the hot water just run over you. it didn’t bother you until the memory of one of the nights ellie and you had come back here flooded your mind. you had felt extra sweaty from the game and wanted a shower, and ellie didn’t hesitate to join you. she had laughed while stepping into the small shower, “we should conserve water, y’know?” 

that night had been the same as the rest, after the shower she promptly went home, leaving you satisfied but missing something. and that something vanished the second she closed the door behind her. 

with that you ended your shower, stepping out into the cold of your small bathroom. a shiver went through you while you looked in the mirror, seeing how disheveled you looked. it was pitiful to be honest. you thought about texting her, telling her all of the things that crossed your mind as you stood in front of the mirror. how could you say that to me? i was just trying to help. 

only to realize that you didn’t even have her phone number. it made some sense, there wasn’t a need to anyway as you only spoke at games. still, the realization burned in your chest like wildfire and you quickly made a decision. “fuck it–” you said to yourself, throwing off your towel and replacing it with comfortable clothes. thankfully, during one of your new found traditions with ellie, she realized she didn’t bring any of her stash and you had looked a little too disappointed for her liking. she offered her dorm up almost instantly, following it up with a quick and faulty reasoning. you knew exactly where to go. 

within seconds you were in the stairwell, keys jingling in your hand and the sound of your slippers echoing off the walls. you went down three floors all the while rehearsing the speech you were going to give her the second you laid eyes on her. because of me? you didn’t play because of me like it’s my fault that we’re in this fucked up situation? you trotted down the last few steps leading to the exit door. you’re vulnerable enough to have sex with me every week but a conversation is far out of your realm of capabilities i guess. you pushed open the door with a huff. you’re too stupid to realize that we might actually hav–

“can you hold the door for me–” the sound of her voice made you look up from the ground, your pace diminished and you took slow steps out of the door. it shut with a click behind you while you looked into those familiar green eyes. “oh, fuck,” ellie said nervously, she defiantly wasn’t expecting it to be you. 

“what are you doing here?” your eyebrows furrowed, but your tone remained neutral. suddenly feeling the burning in your chest start to evaporate. the lamp posts cast a dim light on her standing on the sidewalk, playing with her fingers nervously and often shifting her weight on either foot. 

“was waiting for someone to let me in–” 

“no i mean, like why are you on my campus?” you asked, swiftly putting your keys in your pocket.

she hesitated, looking down to the ground before back up to you. “i uh, wanted to talk to you–” 

“thats a first,” the words spilled out of your mouth with a sarcastic laugh. 

ellie’s face contorted into a grimace and she shook her head, “whatever, i knew i should’ve just went home.” she spun around, taking only a few short steps down the sidewalk. 

involuntarily your eyes rolled and you jogged to catch up to her, pulling her wrist and turning her back around to you. now only being a few feet apart,  ellie could see the redness in your eyes from crying. being embarrassed you looked to the side and let go of her wrist. “if you wanna talk, let’s talk.” 

she gestured to your pocket where you had placed your keys, “i don’t wanna keep you from wherever you were going,” she tried to deflect.

you blinked, quickly trying to come up with anything besides telling her that you were on your way to give her a piece of your mind. although now standing in her presence everything felt too harsh, all the words you had prepared slipped away from you. “it wasn’t as important,” you shrugged, offering her a faint smile, “we can talk.” 

“so i’m important?” ellie teased, her lips curling at the ends slightly and she stuffed her hands in the pockets of her sweatpants. seeing your smile ignited something inside of her that made her feel softer, more comfortable. 

“didn’t say that,” you quickly rebutted while walking leisurely past her, expecting her to follow you and she did. 

“yeah but, you implied it.” she quipped, coming up beside you and keeping your pace. the lamp posts did little to illuminate the world around you and most of the walkway was dark until you were directly underneath the light. 

you sighed lightheartedly, “yeah, whatever,” you began, taking a beat between your thoughts. “so are you like, gonna apologize for being a total asshole?” 

ellie sucked in a deep breath, looking straight ahead. the cool night breeze was comfortable, but it didn’t stop your face from growing hot with anticipation. “yeah, i’m sorry ‘bout that,” ellie’s voice dropped, the amusement in her tone vanishing with the wind. “i shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.” 

“then why did you?” you asked genuinely, your voice matching hers. your eyes were glued to your feet as they scraped the cement below. 

“i don’t know,” she responded, taking a quick look at you but you didn’t meet her eyes although you could feel her gaze. “i do know that whatever this is between us is confusing–” 

“i’m not confused,” you admitted, playing with your hands. “i don’t think you are exactly that confused either. that conversation by your car a million years ago? you all but told me how you felt, so why is it so much harder for you now?” 

“because someone like you doesn’t need to waste their time with me,” ellie’s eyes diverted to the field beside the sidewalk, staring into the darkness while you finally glanced over to her. “i’ve been awful to you, even before our–” her hands gesture in front of her, “you know.” 

“we’ve both been awful to one another, ellie. somehow none of that changes anything for me, does it for you?” her eyes found yours, now under the glow of the lamp posts her green eyes bore into yours and her expression was one you hadn’t seen before. 

“i don’t want it to,” she started, keeping her gaze on you as you two remained walking forward. her mind was racing, she had been too focused on how she treated you that she didn’t even take into account that it was a two sided street. if she was being honest with herself, she never paid mind to how mean you could be right back to her. it finally registered that no matter what you did to her, her feelings for you would never dissipate. “i meant what i said that night.” 

“about what?” 

“about not wanting to see you upset,” her feet stopped, and you only took another step before noticing, turning to stand in front of her. there was a moment of silence as you looked at her trying to find her words. “i really am sorry for everything.” 

you approached her, standing just inches away. “i’m sorry too,” her eyes wandered up from the ground and into yours yet again, “we really were assholes to each other, huh?” you chuckled lightly, trying to alleviate the heavy mood that had settled around both of you. 

ellie couldn’t help but laugh as well, “yeah, we were.” your hand reached up to her cheek gently and she leaned her head into your hand. “but that all stops, okay? i promise.” ellie’s hand grabbed the wrist that was holding her cheek, rubbing her thumb across your soft skin. 

“i’m not promising anything,” you joked, the tone in your voice going up. “it’s fun to see you all flustered.” 

“oh, so it’s like that?” ellie’s lips turned up at your words and she grasped for your hips but you snaked away. you giggled, playfully turning around to escape her grasp. you made it only a few feet before she had come up behind you, wrapping her arms around your waist. you both fumbled over one another, rolling into the grass beside the sidewalk all while laughing at each other. 

“ellie!” you giggled again, the grass tickling every part of your exposed skin. ellie had landed on top of you, her arm planted firmly in the grass beside your head as she looked down on you and the smile on her face never faltering, along with yours. 

in this moment, it was only you and ellie. everything around the two of you seemed to disappear as you longingly stared into each other. a piece of her hair had fallen from her tight bun and you gently tucked it behind her ear, running your hand along her cheek again. “can i take you on a date? a real one?” she asked in a whisper, never taking her eyes off of you. 

“you don’t even have to ask,” you answered her in the same tone, your chest swelling with her every word. ellie leaned down and planted a soft, loving kiss on your lips. something unlike she had ever done. every kiss you two had shared was sloppy, desperate and full of lust. but this time, it was sweet, slow and passionate. her hand cupped your cheek before she finally pulled away, resting her forehead on yours. 

“if our coaches could see us now,” she laughed, which made you do the same. you wrapped your arms around her neck as you always do, the warmth from her radiating like the sun. 

“bet they’d still try to bench us–” another spring of laughs came from the both of you before ellie finally pulled herself off of you. standing up she stretched her arm to help you up, which you took happily. “do you wanna stay over?” 

the question was like music to ellie’s ears, “i’d love to–” she planted a delicate kiss on your cheek. 

“good good,” you trailed, turning around to look at your dorm building which was easily more than a few yards away by now. being around ellie brought out the competitiveness in you yet again but this time it was more playful. “wanna race?” 

“seriously?” she turned her head, the smile on ellie’s face was now permanent in your presence. 

“what? you scared?” you mocked her lightly, tapping her shoulder and she scoffed at the accusation. 

“you know what? yeah, let’s race. i bet you–” 

you took off sprinting, even in your slippers you had managed to get a great head start. you could hear ellie’s footsteps behind you, slowly catching up. “hey, that’s cheating!” she shouted from behind you. while she watched you win the childish bet, she felt stupid for not allowing herself this type of happiness before, but if she had the chance to go back and change anything, she never would.

epilogue

[sageofthestarz]

Just my very personal feelings after seeing the movie. Very minor spoilers. This is more a vent then anything? Idk I'm just very emotional and will probably delete this when I wake up

I'm not a person who cries easily, or even feels very strongly very often

Tonight I openly cried in public for the first time since I was a child.

I try very hard to keep a lot of my issues and mental health private besides my random small rants about random bullshit

But I've been in a horrible place these past few months and especially these past few weeks as my birthday gets closer and realize it's another year I've done nothing with and hate my situation and just where I'm at in life

Getting to sit in a theater and just be in the moment and to be acknowledged by a band I love so much even if it's just a general to everyone, that yeah.

Things aren't always going to be okay, but ya'know what. Right here. Right now. You're having fun. And things aren't always going to be good but that's not the point. The point is to enjoy the good.

His whole speech during if you have ghosts really just. Fuck.

I openly cried in a theater. That's the biggest breakthrough I think I've ever had regarding my trauma. I've gone through so much as a child I genuinely have not been able to feel openly or express anything in my own home let alone in public

I didn't feel panic, guilt or shame for crying for the first time ever.

I think that alone can say something.

I hate that I'll never get to see Papa IV live, but I'm going to cherish every since live performance I have

This band has made such an impact on my life in ways I never thought possible and in ways I don't feel particularly comfortable sharing online but it means so much to me

I'm sure my therapist is going to have a field day when I go back

I just. Things are going to be okay. I know they will. Maybe I just need to live in the moment mode and stop worrying about how much I regret and what my future holds.

And yeah I may have mascara running down my face, and I may be a mess but ya'know what. I don't care. I'm happy. For the first time in what feels like years I'm genuinely happy to be alive. To be where I am. To be able to enjoy things like this.

I know I won't ever be able to repay Tobias for anything. But I hope I can meet him some day just to say a thank you. Something.

But I think things are going to be okay now.

Not always.

But that's okay, because there's plenty of good to enjoy

[lexa-griffins]

Omega Lexa works in a sex shop and provides extra services for the customers via a glory hole. Her identity is kept secret for her protection. Alpha Clarke is one of her usual clients. Clarke accidentally knots Lexa through the glory hole so they're tied together waiting for Clarke's knot to deflate

The.... visual of them then tied together through the glory is... too much. Is porncom a genre? Because that is exactly what this is ajskdkdnd

Lexa knows Clarke, she's seen her walk around the store. She's bought a few things here and there, some she assumes are for partners and not herself but Lexa has learned to not judge a book by its cover.

She visits the glory hole a few times a month. Lexa likes her. She's easy to make cum, she's always polite with her even when she can't see her. Overall, a joy of a client and of an alpha.

Lexa has had a rough week and Clarke feels good inside of her. So fucking good. She's exactly what Lexa needed to make her forget the shitty week she had, from being yelled at by an alpha after so much as implying the dildo he was buying was for him and the beta she had to comfort as she cried about the omega she cant seem to keep as he keeps running back to his ex so she thought a funner toy could help.

Clarke is good at making her forget theres a wall between them. A literal one. She stays out most of the time and lets Lexa do her job o nstead of trying to be the big dominant alpha.

Maybe if Clarke had been more in control she would have been able to realize how close Lexa was to take her and she would have been able to pull out before. Lexa is so lost in how good the stretch feels she only realizes shestaking the knot when she's past the point of no return.

"Oh my god." Its really the only thing Lexa can say as Clarke fully enters her and groans, cumming inside of her.

Fuck doesnt quite cut it.

"I- Im stuck."

Yeah, no shit, smartest alpha on earth.

"We're stuck."

"I should have pulled out, Im sorry."

"I was the one in control, I should have realized it, its my fault."

Silence.

"Are you comfortable like that?"

No, "I guess. Its not like there much we can do anyways." She's bent over and her legs are a ldittle shaky but luckily the stall is small enough she can hold herself up.

"Im sorry."

"Youve said that already."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Lexa snorts with humor, making her body shake and a small moan to leave them both.

"How long do you usually take to go down?"

"Half an hour, one hour? Depends. My rut isnt close so it should be more on the higher end."

"Great."

"Im s-"

"Clarke if you say sorry i will punch you once i get to see your face."

"Hey i- wait how do yoh know my name?"

"Hmmm....."

"Wait, your voice.... oh my god are toh Lexa, the front desk girl?"

Lexa winces, "Hi."

Clarke's breathing seems to get slightly faster on the other side of the wall, "are you doing okay over there?"

"Yeah, yeah." A laugh.

"Whats so funny?"

"Ive had a crush on you for ages now. I had no idea it was you on that side."

"What?"

"I havent had a partner in ages. Ive been accumulating sex toys i dont even use at my house for months just to come here and see you. Oh shit that sounds really fucking creepy when i say it out loud doesnt it?"

"A little. But sweet. In a slightly creepy way."

"Oh my god this day could be going better."

"I've had worst ones this week."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But i doubt you eanna hear about it."

"Oh believe me I have nothing but time."

Its about forty minutes before they can get free. Lexa gasps at the amount of cum that leaves her before she sees a small towel being offered to her from the top of the stall door, the watch on the wrist a clear indication its Clarke.

"Sorry, i know its usually hm, a lot."

"Its alright. Idn another circumstances id probably be delighted its so much."

"Im gonna leave the at the counter and go. With extra of course."

"Oh, okay."

There's a throat clearing from the other side of the door, "Bye Lexa. For all its worth, there is no one else id rather be stuck like that with."

Lexa stops cleaning herself to stare at the closed door. She snorts again.

"I really need to stop sounding creepy dont I?"

"Yes. But it had its charm-"

"Im a creepy way." They say in unison before laughing.

"Bye Lexa."

"See ya Clarke."

Lexa listens for the bathroom door to close with a little hesitation.

By the time she's presentable, Clarke is gone and the store is empty. The money sits on the counter with an added 50$ for the whole mess. As Lexa collects the money she finds a paper with a phone number.

"I swear im less creepy face to face. X Clarke"

[polyamorouspunk]

kfbdmbddmnd I know its not sleepover fridays where you take these kinda of asks so you can either hold onto this until then or not, no huge deal, I just wanted to get this off my chest and im realizing this may sound incomprehensible lmao. so!

I may have issues with my first ever relationship, of any incredibly intimate/pseudo-romantic kind, and I’m worried that I may have fucked up.

I’m in a pretty heavy duty qpr with this person (if I had to call it anything it would be qpr, they’re more married to the term than I am.) and have been for about 7/8 months now. it was Incredibly Intense sparks between us, instant insanely high attachment insanely fast. they described our initial few conversations weeks after the fact as borderline spiritual, neither of us really believe in soulmates but they felt like they must have known me in a past life. we’re both polyamorous, and they’ve been engaged to someone else for quite a bit before they met me (for reasons, they’re on rocky-ish terms rn but still together), and one time they looked me dead in the eye and said if they weren’t already promised to someone they’d want to marry me. I have been this persons seemingly sole emotional rock this entire time, my dms are a dumping ground for everything from soul crushing existential dread and breakdowns to the newest fixation to the latest crushes.

at first I was on board with how fast we’ve been going, trying to match their energy. they have years more experience than I do with polyamory which initially I’ve been deferring to just like experience wise while I’ve just read more ethical non monogamy/polyamory theory. im on the aroace spectrum, ive been really up front with my stance on amatonormativity and that kind of thing, whatever pace works for us works we just gotta keep tabs on our comfortability and energy. but like. hm. it’s clear that I’m the one with all of the emotional maturity and regulation.

when they said they’d want to marry me when they were already engaged felt like a red flag at the time, esp since I knew that they were going through a rocky period with their fiancé. they started So intense So fast that. I sorta feel like it’s fucked with my brain chemistry. to the point where now I feel like hopping out the gate with “I must have known you in a past life” in this very “stay with me forever” sort of way while only really knowing each other for a Month is also sort of a red flag in hindsight.

now heres the thing though. I have been matching this intensity, learning new things about myself and how my own attraction works, but like, my trust will be broken by them somehow and I’ll plummet through almost half the stages of grief and have a Hell of a time trying to feel the same kind of close to them that we started out as, I explain my grievance, they have a breakdown why they’re a bad person I assure them this isn’t the case, we just gotta improve behavior, and then they’re back to normal.

there’s small things like us discussing relationship terminology, telling each other that partner sounds good, but then in public they introduce me as their friend. or asking for privacy concerning my mental health stuff I tell them and then later find out they told like 4 other partners and qpps with out me knowing.

or the larger things like one time I was depressed so we planned a date like 2 weeks in advance, talking about it basically every day. but the night before they had an impromptu one night stand with an acquaintance, spammed my messages with gushing about this new sort of relationship, how great the sex was, including pictures I Did Not Ask For, and how they’ve never felt this way before. I was initially surprised at this deluge of stuff but ok, I was feeling happiness for them, I do get a lot of compersion, but also felt it was a lil weird.

when we actually meet up, they spend the Entire date talking about this other person. Everything. Not once do they ask about my day or talk about anything else. at one point they start physically flirting with me but then get distracted with talking about how the other person would touch them and then said that they’re still worked up from them.

I am viscerally uncomfortable, almost dissociating. I try to change the subject and they just blithely switch it back to them after a few minutes. later when I told them about how this made me feel, they had a breakdown about how they’re a bad person and don’t respect anyone. which while empathetic, is unhelpful. I can’t comfort them through an issue I’m having with them.

so I guess my question would be how the fuck do I deescalate a relationship like this. I like them, I like spending time with them, but they don’t show me any thoughtfulness at all and my boundaries are encroached upon with zero self awareness.

Okay yeah so I’m sensing some like. I’m not going to say “borderline behaviors” because like there are a variety of mental illnesses that have similar symptoms, but as someone with BPD I’m going to say “bpd symptoms” because they’re similar to ones that I would have.

Anyone that uses “I’m such a bad person” is not in a good headspace. I don’t remember the last time I’ve gone on the “I’m such a terrible person” rampage but whenever it was it was because I was throwing a pity party and that is exactly what it is. No one who is throwing out the most guilt trip line of all time like that is in a good headspace or mature. Now I mean like I’ve said “what if I’m a bad person what if I need to be better” and that’s different. I’ve said that recently and it led to “maybe I should go back to therapy and work on myself” which wow wouldn’t you know it is exactly what I’m doing. Big difference between someone telling you you hurt them and going “IM SORRY IM SUCH A BAD PERSON” and going to your friends in private and being like “hey I don’t think I handled this as well as I would have liked in retrospect, could you maybe give your insight on what I could have done better and what I maybe handled appropriately given the situation, AITA or no?” Yk? Which is exactly what I did the night I went to 🔮’s bf’s party which was what then led her to saying she needed space from me so then I was like “hey here’s what happened did I do something wrong?” @ my friends in my server.

You can apologize without making it about yourself. You can say “I’m sorry” without taking on “I’m such a bad person”. I said sorry to 🔮 numerous times, asked if I could fix it, asked if I ruined it between us. But never did I say “sorry I’m just such a horrible person” because you know what I’m still trying to sell myself to this girl why would I say shit like “I’m such a bad person.” Like when someone tells you they’re a bad person they want reassurance they’re not because if you say “yeah you kinda are” then suddenly YOU’RE the shitty one but like yeah it’s really not a good move to trash yourself it’s a lot sexier to stand your ground and be like “I’m sorry this upset you and I’m willing to accommodate and change my behavior while staying true to me.”

It really seems like you were, at one point, just their newest obsession. And that they become obsessed with other people equally. It seems like you got sucked into their vortex, and it’ll be a lot more painful for you to get out than for them. It seems like you may have already tried to set boundaries (communicating that things upset you) and they were not well received (re: “I’m such a bad partner I’m so sorry” instead of “I’m sorry let me work on that next time”).

I’m not a spiritual person but I’m also not going to knock someone else’s spiritual beliefs so I don’t want to be like “man telling someone you must have known them in a past life sounds like it could be psychosis” but it sure is Coming On Too Strong™️. I mean, like I know that I come on too strong, but holy shit that is a whole ‘nother level. If it makes you uncomfortable to hear things like that, you are allowed to say that. Because I’m pretty sure that would make me uncomfortable personally.

Also the idea of being “promised to someone” in a nonmonogamous relationship is… sketchy… especially when they are telling you they want to replace that person’s role in their life with you… like that’s not healthy polyamory. Healthy polyamory is creating new roles for people in your life not replacing the roles people already fill with new roles while that person is quite literally still in that role.

If they’re telling other members of their polycule things you asked them to keep to themselves then they are once again not respecting your boundaries.

I understand that people can be really charming and draw people in (think of extreme cases like Manson and Bundy) and that it can be hard to escape that. It doesn’t sound healthy from the outside but I’m not one to be like “dump their ass” for advice. I’m just saying that you’re aware it’s kind of toxic and unhealthy, and obviously I don’t have both sides, but I can say as someone who does have BPD there is a world where you can have a partner with those kinds of issues and have a relationship that isn’t that toxic I swear. Like I was a lot worse than I am not and I got better, like there are plenty of more mild people out there who have the same issues but actually put in the effort to get better for those around them.

[cecelianonymous22]

(TADC Spoilers!!)

A weird realization i made watching TADC ep 2 (cried my fucking eyes out) is that like

Hazbin and Digital Circus are both extremely Tumblr pieces of indie animation, but in such completely different ways

Hazbin kind of tries to appeal to every "Tumblr demographic" lets just say

The musical nerds, the queers, the people who need a Sexyman for every media they watch, people who like engaging in serious/controversial topics, etc etc

Which in itself isnt bad but as with a lot of things in Hazbin, it really wasnt carried out well

But with Digital Circus, the intended audience feels a lot more specialized yk?

Sure, it has bright colors with toy-inspired characters and silly hijinks, but the intended audience isnt for children or (staying on the whole Tumblr audience thing) isnt for the lucky younger teens who dont know what Amino is

But it doesnt try to welcome every corner of this platform, which is why there are negative reviews: because Digital Circus just isnt made for the majority of people

It's made for the "underdogs" so to speak, the kind of minorities that feel like their voices aren't heard

Sure the standard "Oh this is just a Tumblr cartoon" genre implies queerness, for one thing, which is in the TADC with Zooble (my beloved) and i love their constantly alternating pronouns

But more importantly, what kind of got to me the most, but it's made for the lonely

It's made for those who feel alienated because of themselves and/or their circumstances

Which i think is what is so great about the main character being an autistic woman, not just for the rep, but because Pomni's experience is so intrinsically neurodivergent. All despite the fact that paradoxically (to someone who isnt ND), she is the voice of reasonable confusion. She doesn't understand why everyone else is going along with Caine's shit when they all know they are just people trapped in a digital hellscape who don't remember their past lives.

Its a deeply existential thought, and I'm so glad that in the most recent episode, she has an outlet for all of this existential dread and panic. I cannot understate how moving it is to see Pomni not only pushing past her own problems, but actively utilizing them to help someone else struggling with the same sort of (essentially) nihilism

Not to mention the end of the episode (still trying to keep it vague because the ep just came out), where Pomni realizes that hey, she might not be alone

Idk man

It just speaks to me so much, especially because i have my own sense of deep-rooted existential dread that has gotten so much worse over the past few months

And also because it reminds me of 2-S from Ultrakill, special interest go brr

But yeah

Late night rambling

The hazbin comparison was mostly just because ive been really interested in watching Hazbin reviews lately, and just seeing how these two "Tumbler medias" compare in their themes and audience

Im gonna post this before i delete in the morning because i need to get over my fear of posting random shit on tumblr!! Thats whats its for!!

Anyway i want the gator keychain now

[nin-jay-go]

mmmmmmm i have only been thinking about ninjago for the past few weeks. you will be here for my brainrot

so ive got this rewrite i'm working on rn, which ive called alterline (portmanteau of alternate timeline) since like 2018. ive picked it back up and i'm officially working on the rewrite, but for it i added a few new seasons. specifically 3 brand new fanseasons.

the other two don't matter right now. all that matters is s17. my mad science season.

fun fact about me i am in love with mad science stuff and i figured hey! why not! i needed to do Something with my s17, so why not work some fucked up science into it :)

the tldr for those who don't wanna hear me ramble or don't wanna see what i will be rambling about (bc heavy tw for mad science themes like body horror, vivisection, and general medical malpractice) is below, but one bit of information before we proceed. nya is still the ocean. let her stay dead for longer than 2 episodes !

s17 is a kai focus! he and the ninja get invited to a lab by a scientist to run some tests (they are still powerless), but she traps them and runs experiments on them. there, they find out that 1) nya is alive now, 2) dr cy is working with aspheera, and 3) the new ninja are clones of the old ninja. kai ends up blowing the lab up and going on a minor destructive arc before calming down. the rest of the season focuses on the new ninja realizing they're clones and helping the old ninja take out mayor trustable.

so now that the summary is over. time to get into the details (or just what i have so far)

hi thanks for uncovering the hell. i'm gonna be rambling for a while.

again, this is a kai-focused season! we haven't had one since my s11 and he deserves to have a focus. as a treat :) (i realize this is just kai suffers the season. i realize that. but it's fiiiiine don't worry)

some prehistory for the season. dr cy calls up aspheera for her magical talents, and they summon nya together. they pull her from the ocean and violently rip her back into her body. of course, she can only be here if her powers are gone, so aspheera drains her water powers. nya has no memory of who she was or what she's doing here. she just knew she was the ocean. and now she's here.

a month later, the ninja are ninja-ing. it's been a year since the events of crystalized, two since nya died. that's the longest any of them stayed dead (sans morro who was dead for 40 years). kai really misses her, but has accepted the fact that she's gone. (she helped out in crystalized, but she wasn't really nya. she was the sea)

he runs into dr cy, who offers him and the ninja an opportunity to get tested. she could figure out the origin of elemental powers and help restore them to the ninja. they deserve their powers back, after saving the world so many times! she's a huge fan!

kai discusses it with the team, who agree that it's worth a shot at least. pixal stays behind since she's mostly unaffected by elemental nonsense, but also to keep an eye on the new ninja. she doesn't trust them. plus, if it ends up being bad, she can break them out.

the first tests kinda go normally, just general doctor checkups. she's just being a little bit weird about the nonhuman members of the team (aka everyone but kai), but a lot of people end up being weird about it. jay's publically part snake, zane's obviously a nindroid, lloyd is lloyd, cole used to be dead, and morro's got their own thing going on.

(oh. some background context. in my rewrite the ninjas' public identities are secret. the only ones with a face and name known to the public are lloyd and morro, to an extent, and jay for those who remember the alternate timeline)

when the ninja thank cy for her time and investigation, she uh. traps them in there JKDFSHKJSFDH because she needs to find out where elemental power comes from. and how she can bring it back for the ninja. to restore them to their full glory.

they're stuck in there for a while. a week, maybe? i haven't decided how long exactly, but a Long Time. pixal does try and rescue them but is taken out by aspheera with water powers, meaning pixal is the first person to find out about nya being alive. she doesn't take it well, so she and aspheera are kinda duking it out out there

meanwhile, the ninja are being put through tests to activate what's called their elements' emergency response, aka a hypercharged form designed for protecting the body and the element. kind of like nya's merged form with the ocean, but temporary. cy is trying to activate the emergency response through putting the guys through Situations that they don't like one bit. one of them included kai in a super frozen room and zane in a super boiling room, morro being pretty much buried, and other stuff like that.

sometimes she tries to stimulate them further by exposing them to their element, like frying jay or lloyd with electrical currents, or piling heavy boulders on cole. maybe that will trigger their emergency responses, but nothing seems to work. she even tries it out with nya to see if she can summon back her water powers, but nya's kind of being a sad sack of amnesia right now.

speaking of nya, she's just kinda. here? around the lab? she's mostly locked in her cell, but she treats aspheera and cy as important people, like parents. she trusts them. she's also kinda having a bad time physically, constantly melting and dripping water. she's not really a solid person right now :(

[tw for vivisection begins here] so eventually, cy tries to take it a step further and pulls out some Forbidden Things. she needs to make kai's fire act up more. he's 100% human still. how would his body react to parts of a fire dragon? so she tries it out, doing a quick lung transplant to see if, maybe, the lungs being close to the heart could kickstart a bit of fire. maybe even some dragon blood? all to see how kai reacts to it.

he reacts badly.

congratz on the dragon parts now, kai! the last human is no longer human, not fully. he refuses to acknowledge that he isn't fully human anymore, denying that he'll probably never breathe the same way humans do again. it's fine. he's fine. [end tw]

through this, however, cy decides to keep a closer eye on his developments. eventually, she lets him in on a secret. she leads him to the back of the lab, a room that no one is allowed to enter. she shows him what's inside.

it's cloning pods. she had already had their dna for who knows how long, and had used it to essentially clone them. make perfect ninja replicas. ones that had all their skills. only five managed to survive the process and come out the other end alive. cy reveals this was something she was hired by mayor trustable to do, and when the clones finished growing, he took them off her hands.

but she's always hated him for that. the original ninja would always be superior. the clones could not come close, ever. that's why she's so adamant about bringing their powers back. she wants them to wipe their clones out and prove they're superior.

kai thinks that's absolutely unhinged and manages to escape, running through the lab. he took a wrong turn and finds a cell, where nya is sitting. his sister is alive. he and nya talk, but it's obvious she doesn't know who he is, or who she even is. kai promises to get her out, but nya doesn't understand. he leaves and gets captured and sent back to his cell.

he goes to visit nya's cell sometimes, now that he knows where she is. he tries reminding her of her memories, to which she listens to best she can. she's a bit... spacey. but it's ok, they're bonding.

that is, until cy catches him visiting her and gets pissed. she threatens to hurt nya if he doesn't back off and go back to his cell, to which he snaps and activates his emergency response. his sister is in danger. he would not let his family be in danger.

he becomes a wildfire and destroys the lab. it gets burned down, its entire foundation gone. and for her cruelty, for what she did to him, his friends, his family, his sister, kai kills dr cy.

still in his emergency response, he can't do much other than rampage, a living wildfire. the others find nya and they all get out of there. pixal, meanwhile, is holding kai back and fighting him off. he's not kai right now, just a mess of fire and rage. it hurts to see him like this.

but nya sees him like that. memories flood back. the element of water rushes back to her (aspheera losing hold on the magic) and she turns back into the sea. she has her memories. she stares kai in the firey face and they calm each other down. their emergency states fade away, leaving two not-quite humans in their wake. kai realizes what he did in his state. nya realizes how long it's been. they're both sobbing messes against each other.

now that cy and the lab are gone, and nya and kai have their elements back, there's two issues to solve. the first is the others' elements, which they don't really want to trigger the emergency response for. the other is the new ninja, their clones.

the og ninja decide to tell the new ninja directly that they know they're clones. turns out the new ninja also did not know they were clones. so that was a fun development where the new ninja realize that Oh God. they're not even actual people. they were just made for one purpose.

the bizarros also get involved. it becomes very confusing to have like three people with the same face in the same room, but the bizarros deserve to know there's clones of their light counterparts. i'm normal about my bizarros.

with their combined effort, they overthrow mayor trustable. and everyone lives happily ever after. more or less.

the new ninja agree to also be city protectors, since they were literally made for that, but that they'll also learn to live their own lives and figure out who they are as people. they aren't the bizarros, who are kinda predisposed to doing bad things.

kai is having a time, meanwhile. he killed someone. he isn't human anymore. he's changed. if there's any more room left in the season, it's left for kai to discover who he is again. maybe he goes on a vacation. they all can go on vacation. they deserve it.

how did the others get their elements back? fuck if i know <3 i haven't gotten that far yet kjdhfgkjdhfg

[eraseur-a]

i never vent on main but this month has been so hard. tws covid, dysphoria, sex, self harm

in the past month:

i broke up with my fiance who id been with for 2 years. he was my best friend. i talked to him every day. i miss him.

it felt like i lost my entire future. i have no plan or goals anymore. i had something concrete and am now just lost.

there's nothing i care about and nothing that brings me joy. i feel like im shoving my brain full stimulation just to get by. i have no passions or interests or projects or ideas or desires or goals. ive always had projects and creativity but i just have nothing.

ive been fucking up so much at my job and its stressing me out so much i feel like im a terrible manager and didnt deserve this promotion and im freaking out and its so weird learning new social rules and watching everyones level of respect for me change. and god fuck being at work and having to talk to everyone is making me hate myself like why cant i talk to my coworkers like everyone else can. how are they having these conversations with each other and building relationships. i dont understand fuck i hate not knowing social things

and ive been seeing a new man who i like a lot but hes neurotypical and im so scared to meet his friends and family because he told me im "weird" and i also just cant allocate the energy to be around normal people i dont have any capacity or desire to do so

this has also given me major dysphoria and so much stress about my gender and sexuality. im realizing how dysphoric i actually am -- or maybe its just how dysphoric being around him makes me. this guy is amazing why do i have to be fucking weird and broken. why cant i just have sex like a normal person. i want to be with him but being with him makes me hate myself but also i should just stop hating myself right.

and then just now lost a vibrant and special community of people that shared the same interest as me that has consumed my life for 4 months. close friends. who, more than anything, i admired immensely as artists and creators and who inspired me so much. im not going to pretend like im not devastated to have lost friends and inspirations. i miss you and im sorry. all this this also means ive lost a sense of safety and faith.

and my mom got covid. and i live with her. so im terrified of my mom dying and every time i cough im convinced im gonna die. this is making my ocd so much worse, so im doing all my ocd rituals more intensely, but then shit keeps going wrong, which makes me feel like i cant even have faith in that, and if i cant have faith in that then what next will i turn to to save me. what do i shove in the emptiness

and i relapsed with self harm like... 3 times this month. i regret it so fucking much and that isnt making it easier.

it's just so much. im always okay, but... im starting to worry that maybe im not actually okay.

i dont want to talk about any of this really. i dont want attention or sympathy. im so tired of having conversations. i just needed to vent and just... share where i'm at. thinking about anime superheroes is the closest thing to enjoyment this brain has been able to get the past few days. and im terrified to admit that i am human and need a support system and am maybe not okay.

[forehead451]

crazy to me... it was always about control.

it was the day before my dads birthday. my parents were out on saturday like they always are and they often come home late in the evening. my sisters room was closed with curtains drawn so thats always the signal to leave her alone bc she works irregular hours often going to bed in the early morning or even midday. im not going to disturb her. its understood to assume she's sleeping unless she leaves her room.

its the mid afternoon, i head out to run errands and get my dads birthday gifts and card, flowers, etc. i eventually end up at Walmart bc it closes late. its after sunset atp but still nothing unusual. my mom called me while i was shopping earlier. she knows im at walmart doing birthday things for my dad.

now its almost 10pm. ive been relaxing in solitude in the car in parking lots in between stops. just enjoying my time away from the house bc i so rarely LEAVE.

i get a message from my sister.

now me being the frenzied shopper/low self-esteem sister who was feeling shitty bc had spoken too much about not liking my job at a dinner party a few nights before, immediately read her initial message as "*stop* telling people where you're headed as an adult. so nobody has to ask [further questions about why im unhappy/ungrateful]. it's rude and inconsiderate. because you're part of a household [meaning we're supporting you while you sit there complaining about your life and you reflect badly on us]".

im like "damn. you right, im not gonna fight you for the millionth time this month. i am ungrateful and immature."

then she follows with "act right dad is sad". dad.. is sad?? why? hes not usually one to take that kind of thing seriously or to heart... have i really let him down so badly???

then my working brain finally kicks in to read what she's actually saying. START telling people where im going. like an adult. okay, going where? why? to WHO?? the empty house?? am i to send a message in the groupchat to people who are 1) often asleep and unconcerned and 2) not home and won't read it til they get home plus usually id be back before theyd notice anyway? why would i do that.

so turns out its just my dad thinking I'm being murdered bc im out past sundown but just wants to whine about it and enjoy being dramatic instead of just asking. bc i am a call away. bc he's not actually worried, he just wishes i was hanging out with him.

so i tell her mom knows where i am and she says oh feeling dumb then comes back again to hammer home her righteous point:

here's the real issue she has with this situation:

shes pissed bc she thinks im out in the city with my friends and gone for the night or the weekend or whatever and not at home working with her when what's ACTUALLY happening is me doing mundane errands at the plaza less than ten minutes away as i ALWAYS AM and thinking about our dads birthday the next day. she's pissed that she thought i was having fun without her permission and the lack of control over me made her livid.

you cannot tell from these texts but i know how she types and what she'd think was even worthy to waste time talking or messaging about. and to be made wrong or having me stand by my actions, she is PISSED.

it really seems so banal but im telling you. its such a perfect example of how much she hated not having a say in what i did and how long and when after half a year of it. it really sent chills down my spine while also making my blood boil right back.

it scares me how much a switch was flipped the moment she realized she was losing control over me. she couldn't scream or scare or shame me into fucking anything.

[bambaooo]

30.

I know for a fact no one is on here anymore, but doing this has been on the back of my mind for about a week or so.

But I just turned 30. My last almost 15 years of life have been recorded to some extent on here. From my 20s to now my 30s life has been fucking nuts. From going to feeling invincible, to feeling that like everyday is a new challenge of what im going to go through. I remember in like elementary school and middle school, i was like embarrassed of being on the younger end for my class. I would always lie and say that i was born in 93 instead of 94. Such a weird thing. and before i turned 21, i wasnt pressed on going downtown to the bars and clubs cause i know when my time came it would be fine. But gdamn, my 20s are gone. I cant help to reflect on the life ive lived. From college, to my first real job, first time living on my own money, relationships, covid, grad school, and to the last major things of buying a house and getting engaged. like what tf am I doing, in the back of my head im still that one kid that eats a shit ton, works out alot, and smokes hookah. But in reality im not that person anymore lol. i used to be very resistant on change but, i know its inevitable but it does still bums me out a bit. I think it bummed me out before because up until recently, ive been very deprived from my friends. I felt bad reaching out, and I felt like i was being a burden hitting them up. But like now, id rather reach out and see them rather than feel like im missing out. But ive seen more friends in the past few months than I feel like i have in the past few months combined. I know social connection is a big part of being healthy, but i didnt realize it was like that for me. But it makes sense, for almost almos the whole time i was in richmond, i was constantly around friends. but as a real adult that shit is kinda hard, gotta cross reference everyones schedules and shit. but like honestly its better than nothing, and i dont think i could do that shit for a extended amount of time lol. and life is just so fucking different know, fucking mortage and house stuff. and still trying to exercise regularly and be an adult.

i almost never want to plan anything for my birthday cause i dont like that feeling of being a burden or w/e. But it just happned to be that arvin moved back home and we got lunch the day before with matt. and that night we hung out at a hookah bar. Ive been so scared with the random health shit ive been dealing with but hookah actually calmed me down a lot for some reason. and Im trying really hard not to get back into the habit of smoking on a regular basis. after smoking for 10 years man, that shit would fuck me up. not the smoking, but feeling reliant on something. Shit addiction is fucking real. Im blessed to be able to pull myself away from shit like that, but i know in the back of my head i know that shit would feel so nice lol. Even when i was vaping, that shit didnt hit as good as a hookah lol.

but yeah life is different. getting settled in the house, gonna plan for a wedding of some sort in the near future, trying to get the house figured out. life is just fucking wild to me right now.

the 20s i definately learned a shit ton. I feel fucking old talking like that, but like its fucking true. the kids in their 20s now have like no idea how to live like we did. i hope i can get to a point where i can be good mentally and physically to live life a little bit of what i used to. I always hear that the 30s is like your 20s with more money, which makes me hella excited. but yeah, im 30 now, idk the next time ill be on here. ill probably come on here once in a while until it dies off forever. I lowkey want to go back into my shit and read some stuff, but i honestly cant bring myself to dig through that shit lol.

until the next.

[louisriel]

I am in a weird limbo part of life right now

I work in a call center and for the last year I've been doing calls basically as a travel agent for Costco ( cruises ), all our calls got diverted to America in December but they were still paying the company I work for, and therefore us, until feb 3. Fortunately, my company likes me because I'm great at my job and they found a new campaign for me to work on that I'm excited for because it will look good on my resume but its not exactly something i will love (outbound sales for insurance sales for a bank. ots not like full sales just basic foot in the door work, ill be great at it just like not passionate for obvious reasons.

This past month has basically been me signing in every day to my laptop and getting paid, which sounds great until you realized a lot of the progress ive made with myself, my addition, my overall mental health, my need to do better, my enthusiasm about living life. has all been because of my pretty rigid routines ive built for myself.

Anyways while I have been using on and off ( on weekends usually after getting drunk Saturday night I bother this guy who lives like across the street from me and is usually down to party its annoying having him that close to me) Ive really allowed myself to fall down a hole this past month, not only with my drug use, but just in general all of my routines are messed up and i really need to get back on track.

I really am feeling so many emtions lately, most of them good actually like i was depressed for a bit there when i didnt know if ill have a job , and i am actually excited for this next step. There's just so much happening lately that im feeling new emotions and feelings and having new reactions about those emotions and feelings and i feel if i KNEW how to do any type of art id be having like a fucking moment right now but I draw like two lines in a drawing program and cry because ill never be able to draw what I feel in my eyes :/

I have so much to work on with myself too , like my sexuality is so fucked up lately,i keep feeling that I have lost the ability to have sex without meth but i barely fuck while on it anyways and the few times i have had sex without partying in the past year were great . When GI Joe sauna opens back up again im really gonna try to go regularly again, I really want to reclaim my sluttiness Im really missing a huge part of my life and ability to express myself.

But the fire damage was bad enough that its still not open and itll probably be spring before it does, and i have to wait a few months in my new campaign to feel confident in it again and everything in Montreal feels hollow until spring and my place needs a deep cleaning and my mind needs like a scrub down?????? I don't know i feel this spring is going to be so fucking good for me I can just feel it

[sociallyawkward--fics]

hi xy time for what is becoming my annual checkin! how are u! i feel like since its been abt a year i have to infodump abt all my character development hold on i'll speedrun it. my pronouns r it/its zhey/zhem or (less preferred) they/them. and i have settled on those. it/its is the only one thats ever given me gender euphoria, took 4 years but i got there. ummm realized i have autism (undiagnosed). love the stimming and the being insane abt fictional characters the rest isnt that great. got anxiety meds!!!!! oh my god xy!!!! life is so good now antidepressants r a girls best friend. also. hold on ur never gonna believe this. i have adhd meds now. the crowd goes wild. was like yea doc idk i just think the anxiety meds r not improving my ability to focus what was that u said abt adhd^__^ n she was like hmmmm ok i cant diagnose u but i can give u this adderall u dont need a diagnosis for n if its like glory hallelujah we'll just assume u have it and GLORY HALLELUJAH. ive cleaned my room like more times in the past few months than i have my entire life im WINNING. i cant rly feel if its working but i'll sit down to write or smth n i wont get distracted every 5 seconds n the mental block that keeps me from doing things is gone!!!!! life changing stuff just wish i had it before my grades fuckin woooo splat. um my gpa is 2.2 weighted im like. ok well now that i have adhd meds im working on it -H (i feel like. ok i think tumblr made it so ur asks can be longer but fuck all those liberals n their woke agenda (joke) i am all abt tradition babey i'll be back for a pt 2 rq)

ummm rly into books love books. "thats old news h everyone knows that" but like im being wonderfully unnormal abt them<3 there was this one series the ascendance trilogy n i was fucking OBSESSED w it when i was younger n i learned there was a 4th n 5th book recently so like. the trilogy thing was a fuckin lie. but i obviously had to reread the series so i could read the new books n im still so obsessed w the series its so banger for a middlegrade series. got so unnormal abt it i made a 7hr playlist for the main character bc everyone elses sucked so much ass i just had to. still in the process of rereading but yeah. also theres this OTHER series the raven cycle i read recently n im also obsessed w that these series r all like my ideal books they hit all my favorite tropes. yeah just being rly unnormal abt books thats my current obsession. also. drawing. im so good at it u wouldnt believe. next fuckin van gogh right here. n honestly i dont even care abt going off anon it just bothers me bc my ROUTINE. the TRADITION. its just not the same. but i'll go off it just for u to show u some of my banger art. at a stage where im pretty frustrated at my limitations but that doesnt mean i cant recognize that im fucking awesome ok hold on again -H but yea ok to finish up what have u been up to! tempted to just ask what shows/game/etc uve been into but also i am exerting a little of my brain power to realize some ppls lives dont revolve around those. so just liek what have u been spending a lot of time doing. how is writing going! wait what r ur drawing skills just out of curiosity draw smth for me (if ur comfy ofc n dw i completely understand if it fuckin sucks taht was me just over a year ago) -H (when i was younger i used to think that ppl couldnt be good at writing n drawing they had to choose one. exerted my baby brain power to be like. it takes too long to get good at them u can only do one. then saw a book w the cover art credited to the author n i was like woahhh this is fuckin crazy living my younger selfs pipe dream)

----------

The way I have had a reminder on my phone to answer these asks for MONTHS but my executive function has been GARBAGE i am so sorry my friend it was not intentional to leave this sitting for so long i am so sorry!!! (also between the two of us this got Long so i am putting a read more so i don't take up a big block of people's dash in my return from the dead lol)

thank you for pronouns update! congrats on meds!! i gotta get me some of those so i can Detroit: Become Functional lol. I am rooting for you with your GPA!!! Also lol, love that we are following tradition of multiple asks still even with the tumblr updates letting asks be way longer now lol, it is just Familiar To Us

I will have to look into the ascendance trilogy!! My sibling is also obsessed with the raven cycle, but i have not read it yet (still debating if i want to or not, have been for YEARS lol, because i keep hearing "author problematic" and then never remember Why because i have Goldfish Memory). I will not post your off-anon ask with the artwork unless you want me to (want you to feel comfy on the blog and sending asks and I know you prefer anon!), but i will say that your art is AWESOME, my friend!! you are SO good and you're only going to keep getting better! I am glad you enjoy it!

Also bestie. This is a neurodivergent space lol, my life also revolves around shows/games/books/etc. they are the only thing that make the monotony of life and job-having under a neurotypical capitalistic society bearable lol. I actually have been getting back into reading ACTUAL BOOKS lately which feels GREAT (because reading Actual Books when i am so tired and Non-Functioning all the time is Hard lol), i am finally going through my seemingly-endless TBR and also have reread some old faves this year. Games-wise, the only thing i ever think about is still the Dragon Age games, Alistair is the love and light of my life lol. Show-wise.... i am in Limbo because of the Exhaustion, tragically, and also just waiting on new seasons (OFMD). Witcher has a new season out, but i have not watched it yet because Energy and also i have no motivation to because the last season they put out was so bad (even if i hear this one is good, i have lost trust lol)

Writing is. Not quite going lol. I have not finished a fanfic in ages, and also have made little to no progress on any of my original work attempts either, tragically. Hopefully things look up for me soon cuz I wanna get stuff DONE again lol, this blog has become so quiet and near obsolete because i cannot FINISH anything and it is TRAGIC.

Also, I have little-to-no drawing skills, but I also unfortunately do not have much energy to apply to drawing you a picture atm :(( maybe someday. Sometimes I can draw something that makes me go "omg i am not Awful, maybe I could actually put thoughts and energy into learning this as a skill" and other times it is like "i will never put pencil to paper (or stylus to screen) ever again" lol. Maybe someday when i am doing Better again i will hopefully have the energy to draw you something!!

[hyenadon]

woke up at 2:30 yday sent an email to my managers wish I could fall back asleep but i'm thinking abt a few things

1) my mom (not my biomom, my real mom) realized she might be autistic and i'm like. yeah. yes. we've been telling you. Babe. No shit. I've known you since I was like 13 or 14 and you've been so deeply autistic that whole time. Babes. Hon. Being super good at masking doesn't make you not autistic. You're just good at masking. MOM YOU ARE SO AUTISTIC. MOM. YOU CRY AT NOISES. MOM. MOM. MUMMA. YOU ARE SO INCREDIBLY AUTISTIC. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MUMMA GIRAFFE. YOU ARE AUTISTIC. YA DUMMY. I LOVE YOU.

2) people tend to not believe me when I say I might be autistic or have adhd but I really have been doing the research. I've done my raads-r, ive done my cat-q. I've also talked to multiple liscened therapists and theyve said like "hmnnnn sounds like adhd or autism" And along with that it seems that I have a *lot* of the comorbidities that show up with autism. I have tummy issues, I have recently discovered that I have FUCKING GOD DAMN SEIZURES, maybe epilepsy, And my mom, who is a literal goddamn autism researcher, said "yeah that happens a lot with autism". And my biological parents have heard me describe how I feel about like, eye contact, and communication, and always feeling like i'm not communicating Good Enough, and my BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. the worst people on the earth. The folks that don't *listen* at all. Even they have said "are you sure you aren't autistic?" like. if even THEY can notice that I might be autistic, I feel like that's enough.

i'm tired of talking about how autistic I am but just like a reminder about how I genuinely might have epilepsy- in the past month both times i've felt this weird have been right when theres been a thunderstorm or a tornado and everyone I know who has migraines or seizures tells me that thunderstorms are a huge affector.

also I think i'm having super quick hallucinations. They are very easy to dismiss and toss away as not-real, but like. god I need to get to a doctor as soon as possible. i am seizing. i'm puking so hard my nose starts bleeding. i'm motherfucking hallucinating. thats not okay. (at least the hallucinations aren't super scary. Last one, a few minutes ago, was a gianr tarantula crawling across my windowsill, and I stared at it and thought to myself "that is not real".) but heres the thing. It's still scary even though I know its not real. it's scary *because* its not real.

and my dog can smell it too, i'm pretty sure. No, i'm very sure. Koda has done this a few times before, she starts chewing on my hands, nosing at my face, nipping at me, whining, yelping. And it's only been in the summer, during a storm, during a time of stress. All of the symptoms are there and Koda knows them.

it just uhm. fucking blows. bc Im p sure i fit every diagnostic criteria for epilepsy and then most criteria for autism or adhd. i can deal w the autism or adhd but the epilepsy....i feel so sick lately and I keep snapping in and out of concuousness wnd falling asleep in the middle of sentences its not ok i need to se doctor so soon anywau goodnnitut

[lastofhope]

Rant: Loneliness

First post! I know that digital footprint is a thing and this account may eventually backfire because I'm gonna spill everything I can't say in real life, but whatever at this point because I need an outlet.

Ok so. My loneliness is getting really bad. These past few months have been really rough. Around 8 - 10 months ago was probably the worst my loneliness has ever gotten in my life, (I hated everyone in the world and was living with constant spite, and simultaneously living with heavy guilt for those feelings). As for the fast few months, I started off fine, the previous months actually being really peaceful, but of course, like everything in life, it had to go away. I got incredibly sad, to the point I'd just sob multiple times a week, with such heaviness that it made it feel impossible to move and want to sink to my knees when i walked (I've never experienced crying where it made me want to collapse completely like that until then). If i cried during the afternoon I'd just be completely exhausted afterwards and only want to sleep. Then my life was quieter because I used up all my emotion and couldn't feel as much, before I started to notice something constantly in the background. Eventually i recognized it as pure emptiness. It's come and gone, but the past few weeks it's been prominent in my life.

I can't feel love for anyone in my life. Although that's been an issue for a long while, it's never been as concentrated and constant as it is now. Listen, I have friends, but a little over a year back my closest friend group all split up and i lost that feeling of closeness to all of them, (i could tell them everything, they were the only ones I could tell everything, or anything for that matter, and i lost that completely). Even though we're on good terms now i have not felt close to them. I have lots of other friends, none who are incredibly close or reach out to me. My relationship with my parents is good, we get along, but we aren't emotionally close whatsoever (i don't feel comfortable whatsoever opening up to them due to many previous situations and we've also never had that kind of relationship where i go to them for any kind of help or advice).

I should be grateful for our dinners together, for the time i get to spend with my family, but instead i feel nothing when I'm with them. Same with my friends (none of my old close friends). I invited them over for a party last Saturday and at the end of the night i looked around at this group (some who I'm generally close with and have known for years) and realized i felt nothing for them. I'm so broken. I don't even understand why this is happening.

I hate this hyper independent culture we have. "Learn to love being alone! Nobody's gonna come and save you, so save yourself. Just love yourself!" What fucking bullshit. I need help. I know that if I just had one person who i could tell all my real feelings to, if i just had one person that i felt comfortable crying in front of and that i wasn't embarrassed to open up to, that i felt comfortable around, that i could go to for a hug when i needed it, I'd be fine. I've never had someone comfort me when I'm crying. I've never ranted to someone about my problems face to face, it's all been on text. I've never been able to just collapse into my parents arms and cry and tell them that something happened and I don't know what to do. I've never gone to my parents for any help with any personal issues. Everything bad that's happened ive got through alone, and it's wore me down as a person over the years. Fuck, do you know how fucking scary it was when one day I just lost my feelings and then never felt emotions the same way again? I had nobody to tell. Nobody to ask for for help. I was so scared. Or how I can't even feel too much excitement or happiness before my emotions turn off? How i used to go months feeling nothing but a lump in my throat that blocked all emotions? How i went emotionless for a few months because i enjoyed a book too much and that enjoyment shut off my feelings? How scared i was, how hopeless i felt when i realized i could only suffer through it and nothing i could do would make it go away? I can't feel extreme emotion anymore. I haven't for about five years. I went on roller coasters a month ago and i felt no excitement or fear on any of them. Nothing. i haven't felt fun in a long time and I don't know what will make me feel like I'm having fun again. I laugh with people but don't appreciate them, don't love them. Sometimes when i cry now all i feel are tears running down my face but i can't feel the sadness.

How am I supposed to go to college in the fall and make friends if i can't feel anything? I have to constantly put myself out there knowing I'll get very little return for months on end and maybe end up with a true friend. If I'm lucky. That's so exhausting when I already have so little energy for life. I won't be able to do it. But if i don't constantly put myself out there nobody will talk to or reach out to me and I'll be alone.

I used to be able to enjoy being alone. Sometimes my hobbies will make me happy. But more often than not now i have no will to do my hobbies because I'll have a singular thought of wanting a real deep true friend and get overwhelmed and sad. Nature used to be my healer, used to make me feel at peace when nothing else did, but now when i go outside alone i can't feel peace. I feel empty. Nature doesn't look calming or beautiful, and i realize nothing seems worth doing if i have nobody who really loves me beside me.

I'm at the point where my goal is to make it through each day. I have enjoyed a few moments as a result of this actually, such as the warmth of the sun on my back yesterday morning and a few good meals ive had recently. Those moments were nice. I'm realizing maybe that i should live just for the chance to maybe experience those little moments of bliss, even though emptiness overwhelms me most the time. But it's difficult when all I want is to have a true connection with one person. To have one person i can truly rely on. To have one person who can hold me when I'm too weak to stand. I know desperation won't get me anything, but I'm not even desperate anymore. I'm accepting of my situation. But it's a desire that takes up a lot of my thoughts, and the knowledge that it may be years before i actually find that person, that there's a large unknown amount of time stretched in front of me where I know i have to suffer, is crushing. It crushes my will to do anything. I keep trying to build relationships and talk to people and be very outgoing, but it's gotten me very little. Very few people reciprocate anything in life, even family. That's also crushing.

Nobody will save me but me. Nobody will care about me fully or understand more than me. But i can't go through life utterly alone and turn out okay and unscarred. I can survive. But I'm at the point where life is just survival for me. I'm not enjoying it. Im so empty. I've screamed and begged for years and years while sobbing to the universe for a close relationship with my parents, to be able to just sit on the couch and hug them for an hour, or for one person to come into my life that i have a true connection with and feel comfortable and happy with, that i can hug and go to for comfort. My prayers have yet to be answered.

When i think of myself in five years, suddenly i seem so unsure of where I'll be because i don't know how I'll live with this loneliness. I don't know how I'll live with nobody close to me for the entirety of my life. I don't think i can. God I'm so fucking miserable.

If anyone has advice on this other than to just distract yourself and survive the day, I'd love to know. Also sleep, i know to just go to sleep when everything seems overwhelmingly hopeless. I'm also posting this to know that anyone who feels this is not alone. I'm always here to talk if you need. But if anyone actually reads this and makes it this far, thank you, really. I hope you're doing well.

[souljournaler]

some journaling

my brain said "you better give me stimulation 24/7 or else im gonna start thinkin" and i looked at my brain in all its "electric meat reacting to a Full Moon conjunct retrograde Mars in Gemini" and i decided it's time to sit down and do some free-form journaling

oh my gods i just switched over to the legacy editor to write this and it’s night-and-day for how much better this works, lmao. anyway

yeah so this full moon was so aggressive that i started my period the second she hit 100% visibility.

PMS lasted what feels like a lot longer than usual, and i had cramps for days before i saw blood. the yoozh: sense of doom, squidward-style anxiety about the future, compelling sense of impatience, self-loathing for needing to rest, a little bit of task overwhelm, general tiredness

it doesn’t help that it’s been super overcast these past few days. ive literally gone from taking my observations every day to completely forgetting for days in a row. there is a HUGE weather system coming thru these next few days and so i imagine the air pressure is gonna be fluctuating wildly, so it’s no wonder i feel like shit

maybe it’s just because i feel like shit already but it feels like a bunch of important breaking points are being reached at once. labor strikes in nursing, academia, and coal, and hopefully the rail and air workers will join them soon. it seems like my prediction that “we’ll get a general strike whether we plan one or not” is coming true, just simply because working conditions are getting so much worse for so many industries that theyre all deciding they wont tolerate it anymore. though also, im sure a general strike is being planned, it just wont be called that, it won’t have spokespeople, and it won’t be under the name of any one organization

sometimes i get frustrated that i need to take time to rest when i feel crappy. i know that if i work through the crappy feeling, it just pushes the crappy feeling to Later and compounds with however crappy i was already gonna feel Later. so i have to deal with my crappy feelings in the present, when they come up, as they come up, or i eventually hit a breaking point and put myself out for weeks or months. it’s just frustrating because i procrastinated to do some things i needed to do with a consistent pace, but now i feel crappy enough to not be able to do much of anything, especially not the things i needed to do earlier

blegh. i guess i’m still practicing at pacing things well for myself. it doesnt help that the whole outside world goes at its own pace that is MUCH faster and more demanding than my internal pace

ive been talking to my peers about how ive been feeling frustrated that i amn’t who or how i want to be yet-- i still have to go thru that process of learning the new and cool shiny life lessons that i will pick up like a funky little crow and stick onto my sense of self, but right now i have that feeling like i just got a very cool new one of them bags that has the pin display on the front, but i only have like two pins and one of them is rusty from how long ive had it and i do not often have money to buy new pins for the display

the new shower feels really nice, at least. i didnt realize how much of a mood improvement it would be to simply have a nicer-looking shower, but there ya have it. also i definitely think that once i’m able to build my own bath/shower room, it will have a lot more color. and some plants. maybe even a lot of plants

i had a bunch of dreams last night about needing to get ready for something suddenly, like having to pack up after an event, or pack up to leave for traveling, or clean up a room with a lot of trash, and it was so stressful each time that dream me was like “fuck this, i am literally dreaming, cya” and woke up. i made sure to tidy up my space a little once i woke up lmao, especially after seeing a post from Unfuck Your Habitat like “are YOU living in a depression den?” and i was like “ugh fine, ok, fuck, you got me, yes im living in a depression den”

also, my partner is leaving for a trip in just a couple of days, and will be gone for a week. im already pre-grieving how much i’m gonna miss him. he always brightens any space he’s in. i wish i had a community that made it so i dont have to rely on him for so much of my in-person social interaction.

ive noticed that ive been staying up later so i can sleep through the time when he’s not here and maximize conscious cuddle time while he’s asleep

damn, that’s kinda sad now that i type it out like that. i wonder if that’s how kaede feels being the only cat here.

damn... sometimes i just need to cry when i feel lonely. it doesnt help solve anything, but it can be soothing to just let those sad chemicals go and take the time to breathe and remember that it’s okay to feel lonely. i miss my sisters. i miss my sibling. i miss parents i didnt get to have. i miss friends. im so tired of deciding not to be friends. im grateful for the people who stick around, but i feel sad that theyre so few and far-between

i guess the loneliness has a lot to do with the impatience for the future. i dont want to feel lonely anymore. i dont want the people i miss to feel lonely. i want my community to be closer together. having the server has been life-saving for some of us (it’s really lived up to its name) but tbh i would really like for all of us to be able to get together in the same place

anyway i’m starting to get distracted so i’m gonna go ahead and wrap this up. might write more later as i feel like it

cya l8r,

Sol