#thiinks

[veiilathiinks]

futility

futility

originally published on patreon, nov 30, 2024

what if there's void beyond the veil nothingness and emptiness of the past and those are right who fail for only futility was meant to last

i wanted to write about futility. but what’s the point?

whenever i meet new people (and when i say people, i don’t mean merely breathing upright monkeys who hop around and jabber, i mean beings with the twinkle, however faint and obscure, of something resembling intelligence in their faces) i am eager to know what makes them move. i want to know their angle, i want to know what gives. probably i am a hopeless sentimentalist, a broken romantic who still believes in magic and unicorns. so what? i want to believe in magic and unicorns. i want to find that tiny straw to which i would cling with utmost passion and which would carry me through the ruthless rapids of the river of pain to the vanilla shores of the blissful utopian happiness where instead of gasping for air in horror i would look upon the gloriously violet sky, the blindingly green forests, breathe in the fragrant smells of flowers and smile a beatific smile of unchallenged rapture. there is but one little implication: i want to believe in the impossible. and i know it. thankfully the fuel for the engine of our civilization is absurdity and absurdity never stops providing. hence my genuine interest in knowing what gives, when it comes to other people. but that is just it: the chaos is omnipresent and the absurd is endless. whenever i strike a conversation with a new acquaintance (which happens ever less often with the progress of time) i know without doubt that in spite of my wild hopes i will only find the unavoidable emptiness behind the shaky fence of poorly assembled bits of common wisdom and pathetic cheerful assumptions made of unicorn droppings and context-less excerpts from pseudo-utopian leaflets. i know and i do not doubt it, for i walked that path many a time before and everywhere i found the same stale defense of the arbitrary rootless meaning of life that can’t hold even a third-rate attack of semi-reasoned and semi-mocking questioning. why is that so? for, sometimes, i truly want to believe, i am eager to grasp whatever shred of logic there is to be offered. why nothing holds? is it me? am i too demanding? or is it because the very effort is as futile as anything that the poor mutant-ape has been doing for the last two hundred thousand years. according to my imaginary friends, to whom i talk more often than i would care to admit (you might recognize a few of them, as they may be your imaginary friends too) i am not alone in my outlook. schopenhauer, camus, sartre, benatar, zapffe are all in perfect agreement with me. futility is, futility was and futility is to be. then why am i still hoping? why do i still try to find that ray of light that will illuminate some unnoticed logical connection that would lead not to extinction of hope but to something that resembles happiness? and every time i come to this question, i am doomed to fall for the most pathetic cliché in the world, which i swore to never turn to and which i am hopelessly presenting now: i am only human after all. this is it, the moment of shameful defeat. i am an ape. i am absurd. i am a paradox. my will to live blinds and confuses me. no matter how i try i can’t fully face the inevitable horrifying truth that there is no truth, no meaning and ultimately no happiness. i can say it, but i can’t feel it. or rather i can feel it, but only to the extent when it triggers my self-preservation instinct, clouds my mind with nonsensical beastly jabbering and turns me into a brutish stupid caveman, hugging my knees in the light of a faint fire, scared of thunder and the wrath of the sky. please, miracle, come and save me!

it is a conflict of reason and instinct. i can’t win this battle, for i am a mere observer in it. it is as old as consciousness itself. it is that very inherent conflict that makes human history a history of pain, suffering, murder, insanity and death. it is the vanity and futility of our own existence that we can not accept. it is the understanding that we are not wanted, not needed and not meant to be that we fight. yet, how is it even possible to fight it? it is simply absurd. the absurd that surrounds us, the absurd that makes us, that absurd that becomes us, the absurd that replaces us.

the only remaining question is why do i even care to find someone who would understand me? if i know that everything is futile, if i can recognize the inherent idiocy in my own personal hope, if i don’t even hope anymore to find a glimpse of meaning in anything, why do i still try to talk and listen? isn’t it just as futile to talk about futility of life, as vain to try and explain vanity of existence, as trying to turn a turd into a birthday cake by sticking candles into it? why in the end, no matter what, i still can not accept the absurd by finally succumbing to it and resigning to the fact that absurd is me as much as i am absurd, and therefore there is no point in confronting it, as it is essentially fighting with yourself? i can say it, but can i fully feel it? i think it is obvious that the answer is “no”, for if i could feel it, if i could truly absorb this fact into my cells, my dna, my consciousness there wouldn’t be this torrent of jibber-jabber. i would simply cease to be and that would be the end of the story. or rather not a story, and not the end, for if i truly accept the absurd, then i must accept that there is no such thing as “me”, there is simply a swirl of elements in the cosmic storm of chaos and in the endlessness and omnipresence of chaos “me” is as negligible as one solitary subatomic particle in relation to the vastness of the galaxy. that is simultaneously bad and good news. bad because after all my mental exercise i am as close to the answer as was that daring spermatozoon that started it all for me. but it is also good news too, for as long as i am perplexed, anguished, tortured and consumed by despair i will continue my futile journey from nothing to nowhere and keep shaking the air with my meaningless proclamations and pointless efforts to reconcile the primal and irreconcilable fact that my overgrown brain is just too little too big for me to make happiness and acceptance even remotely possible. silver lining, huh?

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[tinyfantasminha]

ouughn........ king 👑

[airplanecrashingtowardstheground]

per my hua cheng is not a stalker post

some of yall really don't know what legitimate stalking and stalker behavior is.

hua cheng never once followed xie lian around without his consent, as someone pointed out on my previous post, xie lian actively encourages, seeks out, and enjoys hua chengs company

hua cheng has never threatened xie lian or intentionally made him afraid

hua cheng never purposefully led xie lian into dangerous situations, or purposefully let harm come to him

hua cheng never tried to isolate xie lian and keep him to himself

hua cheng would immediately stop whatever he was doing if xie lian told him no. if xie lian told him to go away forever, hua cheng would.

hua cheng has never given xie lian unwanted or unsettling gifts

hua cheng has never interfered in xie lians life in a way that would harm xie lian, and benefit hua cheng

you know who did?

bai wuxiang

xie lians true stalker who feels entitled to xie lian and obsessed with him to such a degree he wants to mould xie lian in his own image

[hotchology]

[scribz-ag24]

marry pride month my dudes

[scarlett-fever]

alenoah slop😑

idk when i did these thangs kinda illegible

[to-illustrate-the-stars]

☎️ i love natori's depressing ass apartment...

[lobster-lover]

ffreaks

[bluuscreen]

a scribble b4 i go 2 bed. mwah

[veiilathiinks]

perfect chaos

perfect chaos

originally published on patreon, oct 29, 2024

the thin misty layer of the skies was hanging very low over the city. the first movements of the cool air were finding their way into the alleys and courtyards. the calendar summer was out of the streets stealing the smiles of people. it was enjoyable for me, though, at last some coolness in the air that tasted like pure happiness. if i don't think about the weather it's all the same. the tough times come and i start running. it's just chaos, i can't think about the things that happened. experience of life, sure, but there should be time for reflection too, right?

summer was a stunning blaze. slow slithering of disappointments and heat that moved nowhere and brought lots of headaches. is it that all summers in my life must be so bad, i wonder? for quite some time now they have been. i guess it’s not possible for me to change anything, apparently it's just life.

so many faceless days. i can't really tell anything about them except that i was living my life in the only possible way for me. there are days sometimes when i can't really tell what do i want best: face life or run away from it. it tears me, rips me apart until i am totally exhausted. then i start over and try to unravel the chaos of life.

the day was promising. the blue bus with its dangly haired driver was parked just outside the house. he looked at us shyly and smiled humbly saying very quietly through his long drooping mustache: "men in black". and then he pushed the pedal and we departed into the unknown.

we were getting closer and closer to the place where everything was supposed to happen. the bands were playing the whole day creating that special atmosphere of mystery, excitement and sexuality. i could feel the energy of real life in the air. my brand of real life, that has as much to do with everyday reality as the beach vacation of an average office clerk has with the adventures of arthur pym. soon, very soon we will be on that stage too. and i will be one with the place and the happy strangers in this dark magical forest that breathes secrets out of its enigmatic depths.

the noise, the chit-chat, the movement, the glimmering strings of electric guitars, the loud voices, the energy, everything excites and makes me drunk with the night. even the complete mess of organization that makes no sense to anyone around seems attractive to me. people are running and floating around, grabbing the bags, mixing things up, dancing and screaming. for a moment i was completely lost in a confusing mixture of strangers. but then it settled. everyone and everything was detected and found at their proper place.

i found a secret window from which i can watch the performances of other bands from a little distance. the sound is softer here and i can peacefully wait for our own show in the intimate darkness of the room. i like it tremendously. at last everything makes sense to me. i'm in the right place at the right time. the time of my life.

i lazily observe the mixed crowd. rude girls, drunk guys. i don't mind them, as long as they don't disturb me. the cook girl comes out in the center of the room and declares:"attention everyone for fuck’s sake! get them fucking plates back to the fucking station!" and we all, artists, musicians, technicians and drivers alike, start eating quickly, quietly and embarrassed, the food with the aftertaste of crude vulgarity.

our own show flashes by. it's not perfect but what ever is? we play in the deep of the night. i have a feeling that we will wake up some sleepy little animals that are hiding in the woods living their private lives. such a disturbance. i am aware of my frozen fingers, they are going to slip and skip, somehow choosing all the wrong notes. i divert my mind into my inner world, but i have to find the balance, if i don’t want to get lost in there. i look up. i play. i see hands flying in the air, the dances of the strongest, the cries of the most excited in the crowd. they can't sleep tonight. and we sing our nocturnal song in perfect unison in our tiny shimmering pool of light amid the dead silent darkness of the surrounding night.

i take everything that is there for me. i passionately drink the night. there's only us, here and now. how marvelous it is to feel these fleeting moments of happiness and nothing more. there's no yesterday and no tomorrow too. only now, this amazing instant.

tomorrow comes anyway and i shout at the break of day: "go to hell! go to hell!!!!". the show is over but the show must go on. i shall start over and search for some reasonable sense in the chaos. it doesn't come easily. you struggle to find it for me but i can see that you are in the same leaking boat and it's drowning rapidly.

ok, there's no sense again but maybe we just have to begin this day with a cup of coffee and a little piece of bread. my head is splitting. what else could you expect when you go to bed at five in the morning and get up at eight.

it's still ringing in my ears, the lingering soundscapes of the wild night. sometimes you can experience the whole life in one day. it's beautiful but the complication is to shake it off and start over. it's always tough.

pleasant strangers in the house full of spider webs and dead insects. it feels like the veil of dust is descending over my skin. i need to find a free and fresh space before the spiders and bugs creep through the pores of my skin into my soul. we climb the staircase and get to the very top of the building, to the open balcony right under the angular roof and it's like magic. the green fields of the shire. tremendous beauty lies tranquil at the tips of our hands. the owner’s cats are gentle and curious, they rub their fur on our legs and make the cutest soft sounds. i’d like to spend here the whole day or even the whole week, just to gaze intently at the breathing green peacefulness. i feel enchanted and in love and i'm so happy in this very moment that it consumes me whole. for twenty four hours my life made perfect sense.

but the road is calling, the adventure must go on. it's a closing chapter and i want to stretch it. we are lucky, our new driver drives slowly and i can enjoy the infinite road and imagine that it will never end.

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[rynzii-419]

mlm vs wlw

[cashmoneyyysstuff]

cannot stand yn in fics that be doin alot..like yall get what i mean ?? like you just gotta sit there n think "ugh girl you doin tm.."

[titipounamu]

haast pass, aotearoa

[bobacupcake]

finally ........... i rest .........................

[sweetsuccuboy]

buying one of those “good job” stamps and putting a stamp on the tip of your girlfriend’s cock after she fucks you extra good 🔥🔥🔥

[bitsbug]

art of one of my flight rising dragons. smile