#thinking about them causes physical pain
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Season 4 Lumax was actually heartbreaking. Seriously, all I wanted was for them to be happy and go on their movie date, but no they couldn't give me that. Instead they sat down and were trying to decide what would hurt me the most.
#thinking about them causes physical pain#i just want them to be happy together#give them their happy ending or else 🔫#lucas sinclair#max mayfield#lucas x max#lumax
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If I think about the fact that Siffrin got hit by almost every member of the party Ill cry, no matter what happens Siffrin is always being hurt by their family and no one can do anything about it because Siffrin won't talk about it
#Isat#In stars and time#Isat siffrin#In stars and time Siffrin#Do y'all think about the fact that Mirabelle slapped Siffrin Odile uses Craft on Siffrin and Bonnie has slapped Siffrin's hands away#Do y'all think about the fact that Siffrin craves touch from everyone but the only person they initiated with pushed them away#Do y'all think about Siffrin telling his family important parts of his history specifically about the universe and stars and they tease him#Do y'all think about the fact that Siffrin has been hurt BADLY by their family in multiple ways that don't get resolved because of the loop#I just. I think about how badly Siffrin has been hurt and I can't bring myself to be too mad about the failed friendship quests#The trauma they've faced that doesnt have to do with the constant disregard from their family by itself makes it seem less bad#But add on the constant reframing and pain that comes from the families disregard or hurtful comments in the loops#And suddenly all I can think about is Siffrin saying ''if you want to yell at me'' and how that's not actually that much of an exaggerated#Thought to have when you have ample evidence that that is what happens! You get yelled at or hurt! If you hurt someone else!#I just think about it a lot cause most people... Don't bring up the fact that I think almost every party member has physically harmed Sif?#I just. Dear god. The guilt the pain.
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day 21: lost
it's bad enough being in a new world totally alien to her. to not recognise her sister? agonising. unbearable.
#ffxiv#miqomarch#seeker of the sun#gpose#miqo'te#shadowbringers spoilers#oc: m'seyli#oc: m'kipfhi#i've been thinking a loooot about the two of them in the first it causes me physical pain#bc kipfhi went shortly after/around the same time as thancred#and she was like. 12/13ish#teenagers change a LOT in 5 years!#to have this initial moment of. someone is calling your name (and dropping the tribal letter! which she doesn't let a lot of people do!) an#running towards you at mach speed and clearly knows who you are and you have this brief moment#of 'who the hell is this person' before it dawns on you that it's /your sister/ who you have never been apart from for more than a few week#at most since she was born#and like it's not just that she's grown up physically. she's an entirely different person to the girl she was like. a month ago to you.#bc again!!! teenagers change a lot!!!! and she's grown up in the fuckin apocalypse#and like kipfhi too. she's been DESPERATE for seyli to get here and has been standing there just like. vibrating in excitement over finally#getting to see her again. and seyli's not very good at hiding when she's feeling off about something and everything is /so/ off.#their bond is strong enough that they can get through it but it's rough for a hot second.#anyway im very normal about shadowbringers
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made a post about this a while ago but don’t like the wording of it anymore so just know that gortash and zeke have a very strange thing (y’know besides all the other strange things in their relationship) about nakedness. no reactions like embarrassment or shame. occasionally get dressed in the same room together in their days as ‘business partners’ when it’s more convenient. freaks
#there’s other weirder emotions more in their style going on of course#(like fear for zeke and a ‘your soul is laid bare before me already so why would i care. and you shouldn’t either’ from gort but. y’know)#i am yapping so much about the tiniest details of their relationship lol#also. neither of them is attracted to the other physically at all. zeke because. do i even need to explain.#and gortash because he isn’t physically attracted to anyone. well he does have a weird fixation on zeke’s eyes and devouring the#terror rage and pain he causes reflected in them. but i will NOT call that attraction lol. if there’s arousal happening it’s not because he#finds them attractive.#ok. done yapping now.#wait#have to mention how i think it’s funny how gort basically forces zeke to wash his body (some weird powerplay we do not need to get into rn)#and zeke’s like ‘i hate this >:( ‘ but not because he’s grossed out but because he’s essentially forced to worship gort#ok now i’m truly done lmao#oc: zeke#enver gortash#gortash#bg3#gortash & zeke
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bro i just got here FREE MY BOY
#red rising saga#light bringer#light bringer spoilers#nothing will ever hurt me more than darrow’s endless love for his friends i think#like the way he describes them especially at times like this#hear me out on queerplatonic darrow/sevro#but also wow darrow really is just like that with everyone he cares about#darrow the man that you are#the protagonist that you are#“love has seldom caused me such physical pain” AURGGRHHAGAGGAGDGFGRGHHHHHH#RHRHGRGHHHHHGAAAHAHHHHHH
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Shoutout to teens and young adults with chronic pain who get told they're too young to be in pain
Shoutout to people with chronic pain who dont get taken seriously because they are physically capable of performing the same tasks as able bodied people
Shoutout to people with chronic pain whose pain isnt always present or changes on a day to day basis or has a specific trigger
You dont have to justify being 'disabled enough' to ask for the proper support to make your life easier and more comfortable
#okay to rb#ive been applying for jobs recently and ive been thinking about how im gonna ask my employer to accommodate me#people dont tend to believe me when I tell them I have joint pain. cause im otherwise ablebodied#im not sure im physically up to working a full time job
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i do love my family very dearly but the internalized ableism the men in here struggle with is. so much
#marzi speaks#it’s worse with my brother but he’s doing more to actively work on improving that#my dad however has very subtle internalized ableism that i don’t think he recognizes is there#which is. fun#like earlier. either last night or this morning i don’t remember#i was talking to him about how while ideologically i have nothing against accepting needing help and things like that#in practice it’s very challenging to adjust to being disabled even temporarily. and that if i do end up with a diagnosis that’s gonna be#a lot to handle. both mentally and just with the lifestyle changes i’ll have to make#and he makes a bit of a face and goes ‘i wouldn’t quite call you disabled. i’d just say ‘ill’’#and i just sort of look at him. and i blink. and i go ‘i am physically Un-Able to do things i am normally able to do’#‘i can’t walk long distances at all. i can’t sit in chairs for too long without causing pain’#‘i’ve spent the last 24 hours staring longingly at my computer because i want to draw but am currently Not Able To’#he didn’t argue with me but i can tell he was still unnerved by the idea of picturing his daughter as disabled#also like . illness and disability are not mutually exclusive? several disabilities are or involve chronic illness#i shouldn’t be surprised though. i mentioned considering starting lexapro#and he went on his ‘you’re an adult and it’s your choice in the end but i wouldn’t recommend it’ spiel#(he’s anti-psychiatry bc he doesn’t like the idea of breaking the brain down into smth so purely physical)#(and also doesn’t like the idea of someone being dependent on pills their whole life)#(which i’m giving him some slack on rn bc he is a just-got-clean recovering opoid addict. so)#(btw before any of you say SHIT abt my dad he took his pills legally prescribed for chronic pain and did not abuse them)#(and even if he DID that would give nobody a right to make a moral judgement on him. ok cool)#i then reminded him that my mom takes anti-anxiety meds and they really really helped her#and he just goes ‘true.’ and moves on#king u got some shit to unpack#it’s fine if u didn’t want to start antidepressants when it was recommended to you meds aren’t for everyone#but like come on now. u don’t gotta be so fundamentally against it when literally ur own wife who you adore takes psych meds#anywho my mom handled me making the disability comment much better. she was basically just like ‘ur fear is totally understandable’#‘u have a good support system we’ll help you through it’#which. thanks mom 👍 that was very kind of her to say
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Welcome to little list of Alastor headcanons that are actually technically projections, in no particular order of importance:
Has the bob because his hair tends to not grow much longer past his shoulders
Triple A battery (Aroace and agender), started as "man by default" but over time presentation slowly leans more and more into something else entirely
Habitually presents himself as having everything under control. He is not. If he wasn't busy convincing himself that he is he would have started asking how in this ever damned hell anyone believes him
Perpetual eyebags (and dark circles around eyes to some extent) that never fully leave and get significantly worse if he does not sleep
Undiagnosed slight astigmatism that causes regular headaches and perpetual squinting
On the topic of headaches, can ignore pain but it will make him easily irritable
He knows really well how easy it is to verbally or physically hurt other people, and irritability lowers his restraint towards not using the most painful insults in his arsenal significantly
Does not handle disrespect towards his work well. Technically it's a form of rejection-sensitive dysphoria but feeling hurt from it just makes him angrier and more likely to fight someone
In some cases the desire to fight people also applies if criticised work wasn't his but his friends'
He also a hypocrite in that regard cause Alastor is (sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally) cruel with his own criticism of others' work
Subconsciously (sometimes consciously) refuses to process a lot of things. Such as actual reasons why he does nice things to people, why he allows certain people to live, certain aspects of his appearance, that somehow to some people every little part of him is possible object of desire
The last one is better not being thought about ever cause if he ever realises it he would disappear for more than 7 years this time
#hazbin hotel#hazbin alastor#i would have written more but rn it would have been all mostly about chronic moderate aches that are constant so he thinks it's normal#or how he is both touch averse and touch starved#touch from others makes his skin crawl unless it's in very particular way#so it's just easier to initiate a touch first#yep#giving the deer man sensory processing issues#like certain radio interference frequencies cause him physical pain due to how much unpleasant they are#there are so many things that are therapy worthy with him#but bastard just layers himself in defenses constantly#also compulsive high energy behaviour#how could i forget that#acting energetic even if he has no energy left and keeping up with his own image hurts#and if someone even dares to point out some mistake of his while he is in this state he is going to eviscerate them#or threaten them#because screaming in pain is not what Alastor the Radio Demon is#i am quite sure it's projection btw
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ohhhh u know what i wanna write. need to, even. very important to do it at some point. but i think i really do need to make the doctor have a meltdown. i think that would be very cathartic to put them through.
#whump but autism flavored. for me.#i mean i imagine that he has been having them just off-screen when the worse adventures are over#can keep it together as long as he’s running because he can focus on something else and. then when he is not it all hits at once.#the doctor curled on the tardis floor because he can hear her engine vibrating through it and its the only sensation that isnt causing him#physical pain to experience at the moment#i need him to go thru some shit okay. never enough fics in the autistic doctor tag on ao3#skmeone remind me to outline this in the morning. gotta pick which doctor to do it to. which companion to be with him.#i am feeljng ten & donna but that could change#oh on that note: thinks about 14 having meltdowns about. ‘normal things’.#local man who has saved the world a thousand times suddenly finds out that grocery store lighting is intensely stressful and makes him want#to cry. despite all contradicting evidence that this is happening to him is a good thing.#means he’s recalibrating slowly to allow his body to be upset by things like that rather than pushing all of it down to be set off by#the world nearly exploding or someone he loves getting hurt. instead he can get overwhelmed by small things and feel safe that if he reacts#to that. nothing bad will happen to him while he’s having a meltdown. ohhhhh donna bringing him a weighted blanket because he went to hide#in his tardis after comjng home and not saying a word to anyone…..#okay im done i swear im done.
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finally getting a chance to work on chapter 15 today :-)
#shout out AS ALWAYS to people leaving comments!!!! you are keeping me motivated you are keeping the dream alive#for some behind the scenes: in the last few weeks i've been barely sleeping and it makes it very hard to write or even be in a good mood#i usually need 11+ hours to function and so like. 2-3 hours a night is putting me in a bad place both mentally and physically#and yes i realize 11 or more hours is like a silly amount of sleep but idk. it's just how i am. i go to bed early AND sleep in ahaha.#i've been falling behind in all my classes due to the sleep thing so writing for fun has totally been off the table lol#ANYWAYS#typing typing typing (this chapter will be a lighthearted one)#we all need some fluff and levity i think (and i need to give time for Riku to care for Sora even more and be like. wow. i love you)#I was struggling earlier bc i wanted to write both about how Sora has been hiding darkness from loved ones and needs to let them in#but also with the idea of sora feeling that he needs friends to have strength or value. and i kind of realized i needed to pick one#like maybe a better writer than me could have both of those things be addressed at once but for me i was like... I want Riku to comfort him#which goes against him learning that he's fine on his own. we can address that in a different fic. rn he is just sad and needs to know#that he can share that with the people around him. and that he's still loveable despite it all#also shout out to my gf for teaching me “love isn't something you deserve that's not what love is” like. i did not know that b4 her#so I asked her lots of questions for chapter 14 actually cause I was like. i want Riku to support Sora in the way you'd support me#cuz IDK SHIT ABOUT THAT i have always felt unworthy of love and like i had to beg people to stay with me until i got into this relationship#so i was like. judy. what is your wisdom. how do you care for me when i feel like my pain makes me unloveable. what would you say#So yeah shout out to her! I am off on a tangent now hehe sorry. thanks for reading if you read this at all!! have a good day :)#jtsys fic#updates
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And for bad oversharing medical news the arrhythmia from december never went away but I thought maybe the throat infection was still there right so that could be a reason but then I went to a specialist and not only is it practically cured (just lingering a bit) but my lungs sound fine as well! which means! the shortness of breath is probably something wrong with the oxygen in the bloodstream and the slight chest tightness is also extremely worrying I could only make an appointment to get it checked next friday and that sounds like way too long
#I know it's morbid but the only thing I can think about is how fucking mad I am at my parents and how I wish I had someone else to take care#of my things and burial if I were to die#they don't know me#they would do everything against my wishes because they never cared to listen#and Especially I am mad at my dad cause when this started he was around and I was really scared and upset and nearly crying and I told him#that I was considering going to the hospital right there and then and then he didn't. fucking say anything or ask if I was okay#they'll never listen anything just registers as crazy fucking kid having a tantrum again let's give her space leave her out of sight#And I had to Yell at him to stop telling me not to go to the hospital the next day and I mean Yell and he still said they'd deny it#that I was making it up if I had just been on my fucking own I wouldn't have double guessed myself on it and gone to the wrong specialist#and wasted time and gotten to the point where it's not like debilitating pain but constantly aware that it's there and I can only like eat#heart healthy shit that I don't even like and wait and god I am so upset at them why so I have to be alone and yet still be so tied to them#why pretend to care when I've said time and time again they're still hurting me like nearly everytime we see each other#Okay nevermind I actually Need to distract myself now usually confronting feelings is my favorite#but my body is telling me that if I want to cry I have to deal with it physically feeling like there's a hole between my ribs so#I'll hold off on it#I'll be fine#god going to sleep has been the absolute worse#delete later
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the idea of forearm crutches is. so nice. i feel relief just thinking about them.
#i have no idea how to fo about mobility aids#for context: im unmedicated right now. conpletley.#after an mri didnt find any swelling they took me off my meds cause my arthritis seemed like it wasnt active#granted now everything hurts more and is somehwta swollen#pain clinic in several months and im suspected for having fibro or another pain amplification disorder#but god#my hips and knees are so bad walking has become so painful#stairs jesus christ#i have to go up them every day for school and i dread ir#my physical therapist also thinks im ready to graduate from physical therapy#because of how strong ive gotten#and the initail reasoning for me to not get a cane or anything was because we were focusing on strengthening my body#but everything still hurts. lol.#the idea of being able to put my weight on something other than my knees sounds so nice#im so tired#ugh#fibro#arthritis#disabled#tagging this because i kind of need advice
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The more I learn about them the more I think the heliobi are in the right
#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#I loved that Jing Yuan pities them#And I love that he talks about the debt that never got paid#ngl I think had it been some other species or some other people with whom the Xianzhou had made the deal#(or had it been some other debt) the debt would have more likely be repaid or at least tried to be repaid somewhat#since the terms of the deal were impossible to fulfill given the circumstances#Definitely keeping them caged as source of energy through millenia doesn't seem the way to go nor how the Xianzhou would have treated#some other people (although they are consistently terrible and prejudiced against the Abundance followers‚#and they don't seem to really forget conflicts)#With how there was a deal that was never (and in exact terms could never be) repaid‚#no wonder the heliobi talk about everyone in the Xianzhou being tricky and untrustworthy lol#I love that Jing Yuan sees their point and understands where they come from‚ and as I said I adore that he sympathies with them#'The hero and their followers would lose their physical bodies for eternity' I imagine he meant just the people fighting#since everyone dying was the cause why the pact was unable to be fulfilled. What did the heliobi gain with this?#Was it the bodies of those they possessed? A flesh body of their own? Is that what the heroes would be giving away?#Their selves for the heliobi to own for all eternity‚ to live in physical form?#I'm loving the heliobi and their struggles with existence haha The pain and suffering and charm of wishes‚ desires‚ emotions and physicalit#The pain and suffering and charm of human life
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I don’t even watch naruto but I scroll thru ur naruto tag for sasunaru🫡
#JAJAJWIWJWJWJ#tbh I never made a legit tag for them before but they take up most of the tag anyway so 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#now I won’t ask you to watch/read Naruto because it…. *looks away* BUT…. all you have to know that it’s just sasuke and Naruto against the#world 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️#naruto told sasuke that they ought to just died together-#Naruto told sasuke that he’d bare the burdens of his hatred his pain and they’d die together im gonna be sick-#sasuke mentioned that losing Naruto would be like losing one of his limbs- i will kms 🚶🏾♀️🚶🏾♀️🚶🏾♀️#I forgot the actual quote but it was something like that I’ve never recovered- this is all canon—— they’ve said the most unnormal things to#each other it’s insane to me-#don’t even get me started I’ve been trying to be normal for months now lmfao#tkf replies#karmelarts#sns month is in October so I’m gonna try my best to draw for it I’m excited to be thinking about them again 😭❤️#naruto had a whole panic attack and collapsed into unconsciousness at the mere thought of other people hurting/ wanting to kill sasuke like#the very thought caused him so much physical anguish that he could not bare it and his body rejected it almost immediately they’re the#iconic sun and moon… the left and right hand- the matching outfits on twin day- the- THE
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hit tag limit on the last post cos i started talking about roller coasters again 😔
#toy txt post#wish there was a way for me to like. Do. something. with my roller coaster hyperfixation. but im not an engineer i dont want to design them#thats so scary and i couldnt be a ride op cos im scared of riding most of them (disclaimer I KNOW HOW SAFE THEY ARE THATS NOT THE PROBLEM#I DONT HANDLE THE PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE OF THRILL RIDES FILLING ME WITH ADRENALINE VERY WELL IT CAUSES ME PAIN#i do not enjoy it. but i love to see coasters and watch them and read about them 🥺 and also sometimea i read about. the incidents which#felt like very foolish at first like okay this isnt gonna help me get comfortable riding them but honestly actually it did help?#to see how many of the incidents are like. truly like either freak accidents or someone fucked up#but like the rides safety mechanisms usually are very good and not the reason for an accident. most errors seem to be like. act of god or#like. operator or rider error. and some of the operator errors are kind of terrifying BUT ALSO seem like things that can be prevented#maybe the new wave of unionizing in the us will sweep into theme park employees and make sure theyre paid well and recieve good benefits#and that they are not pressured to prioritize profits or faster throughput at the expense of safety. and (really optimistic i know) maybe#we as a society and culture can unlearn our systemic fatphobia to the point that its doable to turn someone away for being#too big to ride safely without making them feel like shit or like its their fault and MAYBE we'll even possibly just maybe figure out how#to make rides that can actually accommodate larger guests safely so they can participate in the fun without fear or bodyshaming#logically i know theres no way to remove 100% of risk and that there is still heightened risk especially for ppl w various#medical conditions but idk i think we as a society can keep theme parks and do them well. i believe in us.#i should go to more of them....ive been to like. not that many but i do still have favorites#hershey my beloved. i LOVE how visible all the coasters are all the time i LOVE the skyview going right through great bears track#i hope i can go again this yr and see the new wildcat 🥺 absolutely not going to ride that fucking thing but i am definitely going to stare#at it. jenn if youre reading this i cannot fucking believe you got me to ride og wildcat honestly#p sure that rattle gave me a headache and i would not do it again that was a rough fucking ride lol but im glad u somehow got me into that#i have. such a complicated relationship with being peer pressured onto rides lol#like on the one hand i do need that a little bit or i definitely wont do it but on the other. being forced onto comet as a child was#slightly traumatizing and definitely marked my turn from wanting to ride all the coasters to jot wanting to ride anything#to my parents credit on that one they do recognize it as a mistake and were sorry about it like immediately so i dont hold it against them#but also dont. force ur children to ride coasters lol. but i do need to go spend a day at hershey just forcing myself to ride great bear#over and over. fav coaster best coaster. its so fucking loud. its shaped so good. pretty color scheme. its constellation themed#i do love and am obsessed with how hershey packs all those tracks together like that it looks so cool i love to see it#candymonium right at the entrance like that is Extremely distracting very immediately
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goddamn i gotta figure out what the hell my horrortale self insert does in the underground. i know everything about their life before that and HOW they get there but i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre actually DOWN there
also i ran out of tags im saying this here as an addition so you know why they just sorta end abruptly. lol. everyone say thank you to my habit of talking in the tags cause i dont want people to see the shit i say
#cherry chats#i wrote down all their rich lore i dont think i ever posted it and i doubt i ever will#not cause i dont wanna in fact its the opposite but itd basically be a huge trauma dump and theres not a person on earth whod wana hear that#and i also wouldnt wanna subject anyone to that cause its not really their problem lol#not that i mind talking about it or whatever. but still itd put whoever this theoretical person im tellin it to in an uncomfortable position#so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ bottom line is evil shit hospital -> escapes and is chased up the mountain -> jumps down a big hole lawl#but anyway i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre down there#i mightve said this already but theyre really resilient towards the conditions down there? theyve never eaten real food and they dont feel#hunger (arfid yo 👍) so if you tried to give them proper food theyd be like. i dont know what to do with this ?#and theyre used to the cold cause of how shit that goddamn hospital was so even when theyre going through snowdin barefoot theyre like.#ok this is fine ^_^#theyre also used to physical pain and also theyre on 800 different messed up meds so if they get hurt that hardly bothers them#its like. a numb sort of pain. like the phantom pains you get when you get injured or killed in a dream#they also think sans is really funny even when he tries to get under their skin with morbid humor#their whole existence is basically morbid so theyre just like hehehe ^_^ your funny#BUT NONE OF THAT EXPLAINS WHAT THE HELL THEY DO IN THE UNDERGROUND!!!!!!!!!#i guess for starters theres no way theyd ever wanna go BACK to the surface so jot that down#i guess. maybe since they wouldnt have access to the medication and drugs theyre always on theyd change?#i think theyd go from a foggy detached empty dissociative state to being actually AWARE for once#after theyve been there for a little while maybe theyd even start. brace yourselves. FEEL things#like uh. emotions. and stuff like that#so instead of an empty miserable shell theyd be able to experience excitement or curiosity. or the human emotion called friendship#do they……… live with sans and papyrus? thatd make the most sense i guess#also thats the only place theyd be safe from being eaten alive lol#i guess they could live with toriel? maybe they go back to the ruins after theyve escaped#but then they couldnt hang out with sans and papyrus as much. and thats lame#maybe they live with the skelebros under the guise of being some sort of weird. pet or something#ummm. nah……. thats weird#ok so i guess i dont know what the hell my self insert does in the underground only how they change when they grt there. whatever#its not like im a WRITER. i dont know all this stuff what do you thinj i am omniscient????
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