#this couldve been done better if i felt like there was enough here to spend more than like 20min on this

[rainbowgothdisaster]

vry unofficial and rushed and i hate how long it took to simply find things but-

i wanted to do one, at least for myself yknow :/

[bruno-madrigal-writings]

Hi are you still doing requests? How about some angst with a happy ending one shot with Bruno (after becoming a dad with triplets of his own) being comforted by his s/o after being sad and overwhelmed at the thought that he spent so many years in hiding and alone when he couldve reunited with his family and have had one of his own all these years and how he wished he couldve had more time to make his loved ones happy etc 😭😭😭

WASTED TIME

Pairing: Bruno Madrigal x fem!reader

Words: 0.9k

Read it on AO3!

-

It was an exceptionally nice day out. It wasn't too hot or humid, the sky a beautiful pristine shade of blue, a gentle breeze rustling through the jungle trees. It was the perfect day for children to be playing outside. 

Almost the whole of familia Madrigal had taken up the opportunity, taking the day off to either play outside or relax and watch. There was a lovely garden behind Casita and a field large enough for the older kids (and young adults, if they wanted to) to play some football. They had a rather intense game going at the moment, with Mirabel, Isabela and Dolores on one team and Luisa, Camilo, and Mariano on the other. Sitting at a table under the shade of a large umbrella, most of the adults watched, cheering them on here and then and laughing at their own conversations. 

The only adults not at the table were Bruno and Y/N, content to sit on the ground a bit away, watching the youngest children,  Antonio and their own rambunctious triplets, a girl and two boys, play their own little made up game. Despite being five years older than the toddlers, Antonio always loved spending time with them.

And Bruno was happy, for a little bit. But, as is often the case, he started thinking too much, getting in his own head. As much as he just wanted to enjoy the moment, he couldn’t help but start regretting his past decisions. 

Because he could’ve had this so much sooner, couldn’t he? If he had just … figured something else out, found some other way to protect Mirabel, anything but leaving for ten years. If he had never left Y/N’s side. There’s so much he should’ve done differently instead of running away. 

Ten years. Ten years! 

So much wasted time. 

Y/N noticed as his body stiffened, but he didn’t notice, too lost in his own thoughts. 

Thoughts of all those moments in the walls when he felt so overwhelmingly lonely, how he could’ve been with his family instead. Thoughts of all the tears he heard Y/N and his sisters and mother cry after he left, when he could have been there for them, making them laugh instead. All those years he could’ve stayed with his family, could’ve showed Y/N so much love, could’ve had kids and a family, could’ve had more time to spend with his children. 

The regret and guilt and immense sense of waste weighed down on him, so immense and so much, it felt suffocating. 

“Hey.” His thoughts came crashing to a halt when he heard the soft voice, a warm hand grasping his comfortingly. “What’s up, mi amor? What’s going through your head?”

She was looking at him with so much concern, her eyes so soft and warm, he could already feel himself relaxing. He huffed, burying his face in the crook of her neck where he could better feel her warmth and be comforted by her scent. 

“I should never have left …” He mumbled into her skin. “All that time … I could’ve been doing this, could’ve been with you, but instead …” He shook his head.

She sighed, running a hand through his curls. 

“I know, mi vida. But it does no good to dwell on things we can’t change.”

“I know.” He said with a sigh, pulling away from her and staring at the grass. “But … I can’t help it sometimes.”

“Mi precioso amor.” She said, her hand on his cheek, drawing his eyes back to her. “Whatever time you feel like you’ve wasted, you can always make up for just by being here now. With us.” She gestures to where the children were playing, each one a perfect little bundle of joy as they squealed and giggled. He couldn’t help but smile every time he looked at them, his chest bursting with love and pride. 

“Hey kids!”

They froze at the sound of their mother’s voice, looking over to her with their bright eyes. Antonio looked curious as well, though he knew she wasn’t talking to him. 

“Com give Papí hugs!”

The preceding squeals of delight sent all the adults at the table chuckling. The three toddlers happily ran over to their father, practically tackling him in their rush to give him the best hugs their little arms could manage. It made Bruno laugh, loud and warm and perfect, the sound of pure delight and joy. He did his best to wrap his arms around all three of his beautiful children. He smiled at Y/N, the biggest purest smile he could manage, dragging her into the hug as well, making the children giggled. 

“Gracias, mi amor.” He murmured, pressing a kiss into her temple. She hummed happily, getting interrupted by the children before she could say anything.

“I want kisses!” Said Rosa, the only girl of the three, bouncing excitedly in her father’s lap. He chuckled, pressing a kiss into her forehead.

“Me too!” Said Angelo, doing his best to seem bigger than his sister. He gave him a kiss as well.

“You want one, too, Dante?”

The boy nodded, arms firmly latched around Bruno’s neck. He kissed the boy’s cheek.

“Alright, mis preciosos, go play.”

They all hopped off and ran away back to where Antonio was waiting, returning to their little game with a renewed vigor. Bruno couldn’t help the fond smile as he watched them play. Y/N sat close by his side, hand entwined with his.

And sure, he could’ve had this sooner, but at least he was here now.

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

The Rose Prince (Pt.1)

-------------------------

There were two things Roman trusted in the twisted puppet show that was his life, two things he knew werent a fabricated stage of wired and strings. His brother Remus, and his own gut.

Remus was trustworthy because he was unpredictable, everything else in the castle was a code that could be cracked, a machine that could be exploited and forced into malfunction if dealt with properly.

Remus, however, was human. You could ask him for something and maybe he would give it to you, or spit in your face, the possibilities were endless. And that's what Roman liked about it all, about the uncertainty, the changes and shifts, it meant that things wouldnt stay dull and stale and boring.

Whereas if Remus hadnt been there, all Roman would be left with was the painfully obvious whirring of cogs and gears, the blinking red lights of cameras that broadcasted the prince's every move for all the world to see, stale conversations with machines who, despite Remus' best efforts, still seemed to slip up when referring to him correctly.

This was life for the Kingdom of Roses and Ice, princes and princesses were not to be raised around other people, for fear it might corrupt them. They were to be sent to a separate castle of strings and wires, and taught there how to be the perfect stone-faced statues, the picture of grace and nobility. The perfect bride and wife, or groom and husband, and the perfect king and ruler. The process lasted until they were eighteen, where upon its end they would be married off to the husband or wife of their parents choosing, or, should they fail in the task of perfection, risk being trapped under lock and gear forever.

Roman often wondered just how many of the castle's enchanted servants were once like him, regal, special, important. He wondered what they might have done to warrant such a curse, and if he'd already done the same thing.

But he worried no more for himself than he did for Remus, Remus was uncontrollable, a wild card if there ever had been and wild cards were not tolerated in the seat of the throne room.

He wondered if there had ever been royalty who tried to keep their children in the main castle, were they sent to die here to? Perhaps forced to bare another curse? This was Roman's least favorite topic to ponder, because then he started wondering if his parents had ever tried to rebel, whether they had tried to keep their children within the true castle, safe from the curse that would befall them should they fail in the task of perfection.

"Romaaaannnnnnn," Remus' voice drawled from nearby, but Roman couldn't quite focus on it.

"Hey snot-face I'm talking to you," and then he felt a sharp tap on the back of the head.

"Ow! Remus!" Roman whirled around in his seat, holding the spot which Remus had hit.

"You're thinking again, I was getting worried," Remus said with a laugh.

"Well what did you have to go and snap me out of it for!" Roman replied angrily.

"Because when you start thinking you usually reach the topic of mom and mom and then you start crying and I really dont think crying is a good way to spend our last day in this hellhole," Remus replied, Roman gave a start and rushed to the calendar.

And sure enough, there it was, June Fourth.

Remus could have gotten out two years earlier, but, in his words 'like hell I'm going to let Roman stay here by himself, you'll have to kill me first,'. Which did in fact not make Roman feel any better, but rather much worse, who knew what an open act of rebellion might mean.

"Well I guess I better get dressed then hm?" Roman said, almost whispering, as though he dared not believe it was truly time to leave, as though he thought they might stay in the false castle forever.

But soon enough they were standing on the steps of the true palace, a grandiose structure that looked as if it were made of snow and glass and ice. Roman smoothed down the hem of his skirt and straightened his back up as best he could, his binder felt tight around his chest, he wondered whether it was nerves or something else.

"You may enter the Palace of Frozen Rose," a voice said as the doors opened, Roman felt his stomach twisting like a worm on a hook. He looked up at Remus, who merely nodded as they walked inside.

If the outside was anything to marvel at, the inside was almost twice that. Statues of all sorts lined the walls, like larger than life music box dancers. The floors glistened with light reflected from the outside, creating a variety of colors across the floor.

But Roman couldnt focus on that now, he had to keep his head forward, poised on what was in front of him, gaze never lingering elsewhere, that was what made an obedient ruler.

"Good morning, Prince Roman, and Crown Prince Remus," Roman had to hold back a sigh of relief as his mother uttered the words. They'd passed, Remus was to be a a Crown Prince, the future king, and Roman was safe, all he had to do now was marry, and he'd be happy again.

"Good morning Queen Elizabeth and Queen Belladonna," Roman and Remus said in unison, Roman's voice carrying much louder than his brother's. Roman couldve sworn he saw the hint of a smile on his mothers' faces.

Almost as soon as the introductions began, the twins were shepherded to separate parts of the castle, no doubt to prepare themselves for the men selected by their mothers'.

Moments later Roman was dressed in a white sweater that hung off his shoulders, a red hoodie wrapped around his waist, skinny jeans, and white boots. Upon his face was glittering white eyeshadow and lipstick red as blood, and just like that he felt as though he'd never left the false castle, as though he was a puppet like those that had taken care of him for eighteen years. Of course,he didnt voice this, that wouldve been a foolish decision. So he did as told, walking down the hall, smiling and waving and watching as the ballroom inched closer and closer.

Roman felt the spotlight on himself as soon as he entered the room, like a bright sun meant just to reveal himself to the world.

"The Rose Prince has arrived to the court," Roman heard someone announce, the room went quiet, Roman tried desperately to find his brother, but could see nothing. He felt himself being pulled down the stairs, all eyes were on him, burning into his skin. He heard whispers, he knew they were about him.

Roman wasnt allowed on the dance floor for more than a minute or two, immediately being taken to the throne instead. Roman watched enviously as the other guests danced and partied as he was forced to sit and stare from a gilded silver throne.

"The Crown Prince of Thorns has arrived to the court," Roman looked up, and there was his brother, dressed in robes of jade and black, looking as though he'd very much like to bite the guards escorting him to his throne.

The party carried on as though no one seemed to realize the princes weren't joining in the festivities.

And one by one the guests began to leave, until there were exactly four men standing in front of the throne. Remus was beckoned to stand, and he did so, bowing slightly when he reached his full height.

The first man stepped forward, he was short, with light brown curls of hair that had shades of blue and pink flecked throughout. He had round-framed white glasses perched on his face, and his eyes were a contrast of white that faded to a shade of pink.

"Emile Picani, Prince of Orchards," said the voice that had announced Roman and Remus' arrival. Emile gave a slight bow and looked up at Remus as if expecting him to say something scornful. Remus merely smiled, Emile waited a few seconds before rushing to stand on one side of him.

The second boy was a slight bit taller than Emile, but nowhere near the height of Remus, with light brown skin and brown hair, his eyes were a deep shade of blue that made them seem almost black in color.

"Patton Boleyn, Prince of Gems and Jewels," the voice said, Patton rushed up to stand on the other side of Remus' throne. Roman was beginning to peice together what was going on.

He watched as the third man stepped forward, taller than almost everyone else in the room, with striking yellow eyes that stood out against his dark complexion and a black hat perched on his head, his face was covered in burns, yet it didnt not take away from his features, Roman could hardly keep his eyes off him.

"Janus Ryder, Crown Prince of Serpents," Janus approached Roman's throne, removed his hat, bowed, and placed a kiss on Roman's hand before going to stand next to his throne. Roman had to struggle not to blush furiously at the gesture.

The fourth and final man was dressed in vibrant midnight blue, with specks of white scattered throughout his dress like stars, and upon his face were round black glasses.

"Logan Sanders, Prince of Stars," the voice said, Logan gave a bow, crossing his legs as he did so, and took his place next to Roman's throne.

"After tomorrow, the Prince of Roses will be escorted to the kingdom of the Crown Prince of Serpents and Prince of Stars, the Prince of Orchards and Prince of Gems and Jewels will remain within the castle alongside the Crown Prince of Thorns," Roman felt faint, he'd only been there for a day and he was expected to leave soon after? And what of Remus? Were they never to see each other again?

But he kept a blank expression on his face as he and Remus repeating their instructions, the four other princes giving various reactions, the most common of which seemed to be worry.

Soon enough their suitors were taken from the room, and Roman and Remus were alone, until finally, they were allowed to their rooms.

And Roman screamed. Never before had he felt like this, confused, upset, trapped, in all the years he'd spent in that palace-shaped prison, he'd never felt as stuck as he was now. The only solace he could find was the walls of his room, where no creature except himself could hear. So he screamed, he screamed and cried and thrashed until he felt numb and limp and sick.

One day before he was to be married off to two men he'd never so much as looked at before.

One day before he would be separated from his brother, potentially forever.

One day before he became something worse than a puppet.

One day before he became a pawn in a game he was fully aware was being played.

Prince Roman did not dream that night, not even a nightmare. He simply slept, with fear and dread sinking into his stomach.

----------------------------------------------

Tag list:

@thefivecalls

@willowaudreykeyes

@pricklyfish777

@the-sad-strawberry

@itsnithbabey

@private-snippers

@extercs-experiences

@rich-flower-17

@theonetruebeepboop

@mycatshuman

@teamplutoforlife

@melodiread

@meowthefluffy

@frawkeye

@cemmy

@nerosdayinhell

@thecolorfulolive

@frog-candy-bee

[snakeboistan]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIOTA NAGISA

Thank you, Nagisa, for showing me that being kind and gentle doesn’t mean that you’re weak and also that the parts about you that you hate can be turned into your greatest weapon. You have been a role model for me for the past four years and I strive to be as wise and caring as you. Keep doing what you’re doing, you adorable little assassin, we’re all so very proud of you. 😍😊

Yes, I know that Nagisa’s birthday is during Summer break but shhhhh

(25 unread messages) 

Akabane Karma: Hey there Nagi :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLUEBERRY! I can’t believe you are officially older than me. But don’t get your hopes up, just because you’re my elder, doesn’t mean that I will start listening to you. Just to show you how awesome I am, I decided to stay up late so that I can text you exactly at 00:00. But for real, I hope you have an awesome day and I promise to beat up anyone that ruins it for you ;) Nagisa, you are honestly the most amazing person I’ve ever met and you’re seriously like such a sweet and kind and honest and good person and I have no idea how someone as nice and forgiving as you ended up befriending someone as crazy and violent as me. You’re the only person who's never been scared of me and even though you hate violence you still stood by me and never tried to change me and you liked me for me. No one’s ever liked me without expecting me to change and I’ve never felt as comfortable being myself with someone as I have with you. Can’t wait to see you at school today - I got you a present. No I won’t tell you what it is and yes, you’ll definitely love it. See you soon.

Sugino Tomohito: Happy Birthday Nagisa! Hope that you have fun today! I just want to tell you that you are the best best friend that I could ever ask for and I am truly grateful for everything that you have done for me. When I first got kicked down to 3-E and was forced to leave the baseball club, I thought that it was all over but you came along and was the first person to actually sit down and listen to me and you offered to practice baseball with me and honestly, that really made my day. Dude, you are like this amazing blue ball of kindness and like seriously you are brilliant but you don’t nearly give yourself enough credit. I don’t know where you get your low self esteem from or what it is that makes you think that you are worth so little but I promise to remind you that you are cared for every single day until your next birthday and for the rest of your life. Okay, that probably sounded super weird but it’s early and my brain is like 60% baseball memes at this point. At first I hated losing my baseball friends and getting sent to this abandoned building on top of a death mountain but meeting you has made me realise that our crazy assassination classroom™ is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. From the day I’ve met you, you’ve been nothing but loyal and caring. You are the person I can talk and rant to and you’ll never judge me and you always know how to make you smile. And honestly, you are worth 1000 baseball teams. Don’t let your mother get you down. See you in class! Oh, BTW, my little brother says Hi.

Kayano Kaede: HIIIIII NAGISA! HOPE YOU HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I got you a gift and I hope you like it and no it’s not pudding but you will be getting some cake from that cafe we visited over the weekend. It’s not easy being the new girl and ever since I’ve joined the class, you’ve been nothing but an awesome best friend and you have always been by my side since the day we decided to have matching hairstyles (which might I say looks so much better on you than it does on me - UNFAIR!) I hope the rest of the year is filled with pudding and happiness and sweets and smiles and everything else you love 

Nakamura Rio: Happy birthday to our resident blueberry cinnamon roll! Have a wonderful day ‘Gisa. I’m sure you will when you see what I have in store for you ;). You are seriously the most mature, innocent, pure little bean I have ever met - and definitely the most fun person to play pranks on! Dont worry, as the birthday boy, you shall spend 24 hours completely prank free. Yes, yes I know, I’m the best classmate ever. Dont need to tell me something I already know, sweetie. See you later, my fellow English lover!

Maehara Hiroto: Yo, dude, Happy Birthday! Hope you have fun and enjoy what we’ve got in store for you (no hints!). Like seriously you are legit the most awesome person ever cause you’re so sweet and innocent and can turn into this super awesome secret badass whenever you want to. Youre like the class therapist/medic/person we can always rely on and you never complain when we drive you crazy (cause I know that we do). I’m super proud of you man. Never change Nagisa. See you at school. (BTW - We still up for karaoke next week?)

Isogai Yuuma: Happy birthday Nagisa! Hope you have a wonderful day! I can’t wait to see you in class later. When my siblings found out that it was your birthday, they insisted that they make you a card.You are an irreplaceable member of our class and I’m so happy that you are part of it. Seriously, if it wasn’t for you and your ability to calm people down and talk people out of doing whatever crazy idea they came up with, I’m pretty sure I would’ve lost my mind. You’re always smiling and always participate in class without complaining and you always see the best in everyone. Keep on doing what you do Nagisa, the world could use more people like you. ( Oh and come to the cafe later, I got an iced bun on the house for you)

Fuwa Yuzuki: AAAAAHHHHH HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAGISA! CONGRATULATIONS ON SUCCESSFULLY SURVIVING THIS LONG ON EARTH! OOHH IM SUPER EXCITED FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT I’VE GOT YOU! Thank you for always going along with and listening to my crazy anime/manga rants even when you have no idea whats going on. It’s so much fun hanging out with you cause youre chill and youre always up for anything and apart from Takabayshi you’re the person in the class that get my references the most. Youre an amazing main protagonist and you deserve all of the screentime and lines you get - heck even your own spin-off show. For someone who loves heroes so much, youre doing an amazing job of being one yourself. Youre the best Watson a Sherlock like me could ever ask for and a really good friend for this manga obsessed Otaku! Love you and see you later!

Kataoka Megu: Happy Birthday Nagisa. I hope that you enjoy the rest of the day. As someone whose job is to watch over our … interesting class, having you around makes everyone else bearable. I’m sure that if you aren’t here to keep the peace I would’ve murdered Okajima months ago. You have always been really respectful and kind and I appreciate having someone as hard-working and loyal as you in my class. I always enjoy having our talks about equal rights and you have always been like a little brother to me (honestly, I prefer you over my actual older brother). See you later and please continue to stay the way you are.

Okano Hinata: Hey there Nagisa. Happy Birthday! How’s it going, little dude! Hope you enjoy yourself and have lots of fun today. Thank you for being one of the only boys that I can actually stand. You are such an amazing person to have in the class and you’re amazing at being someone that we can all come to when we’re upset. Plus you let us brush your amazing godly hair (seriously I’m jealous at how nice it is). If any main campus kids try to ruin this special day - come to me and I’ll sort them right out :)

Kurahashi Hinano: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAGISA! I HOPE YOU HAVE LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF FUN TODAY AND EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE! CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU SO THAT I CAN GIVE YOU YOUR PRESENT IN PERSON AND THE BIGGEST BIRTHDAY HUG EVER! YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON AND I (AND EVERYONE ELSE) LOVE YOU SOO MUCH OKAY I HAVE TO GO NOW BUT BYEEEE 

Kimura Masayoshi: Hey Nagisa! Happy Birthday! Can’t wait to see you at school! 

Mimura Kouki: Happy Birthday Nagisa :) wish you the best :)

Yada Touka: Happy Birthday Nagisa! I hope you have a fun-filled day! You are a really sweet and nice person and I enjoy hanging around with you - especially when you join us girls on our girl trips to the mall. You’re like a little brother to me and I always feel comfortable when I’m with you. Love you and hope you have a nice day <3

Takabayashi Koutarou: Happy Birthday Nagisa. I hope that you enjoy yourself.

Hayami Rinka: Happy Birthday Nagisa

Okajima Taiga: Happy Birthday Nagisa. You are such an incredible person to have in the class. And thank you for always saving me from the girls when they get mad at me. Hope you have fun. I was going to give you some really cool magazines but when the girls figured it out they slapped me and said that they’d tie me up in the middle of the mountain and leave me there if I did so I’m just gonna give you something else that I made (with Sugaya’s help). I’ll show you it at school - I hope you like it.

Kanzaki Yukiko: Happy Birthday Nagisa. I hope you have a nice day and thank you for being such a good and reliable friend. See you at school.

Yoshida Taisei: Happy Birthday Nagisa! I’m so sorry for the grenade incident earlier and I am so happy Koro-Sensei saved you. Also like you are one tough guy, you know that right? Cause what happened with Takaoka, man you couldve beaten any of us up with your eyes closed any time. Stay awesome dude. See you at the mountain

Hara Sumire: Happy Birthday Nagisa. I’ve made some sushi just for you. I hope you like it. As your official unofficial mother, I hope you have fun today and I can’t wait to see you later. 

Sugaya Sosuke: Happy Birthday Nagisa. Thank you for being around and seeing the good in all of us even when we don’t see it ourselves. You always know how to inspire us and you are going to be an awesome grown up when you’re older. You always appreciate everyone and you know exactly how to pick us up when we’re down. I hope you like your present (you’ll get it later)

Okuda Manami: Happy Birthday Nagisa! I hope you have a wonderful day today. I just want to say thank you for being my friend and always encouraging me and helping me. You always know how to cheer me up and include me. See you at school.

Chiba Ryuunosuke: Happy Birthday Nagisa

Hazama Kirara: Happy Birthday fellow literature lover. I really enjoy talking about gothic literature with you - your analysis of themes and context is always very insightful and interesting and I enjoy spending time with you. If you ever need to escape, you can always come to me. PS - my offer to curse your mother is still up.

Muramatsu Takuya: Happy Birthday Nagisa. Hope you have fun. I made you some ramen (don’t worry its not my dad’s recipe so you’ll be good)

Terasaka Ryouma: Sup Shiota, Happy Birthday. I just want to say that I’m really sorry for being an a**hole and treating you like a jerk - especially forcing you to wear that grenade at the beginning of the year. You’re really good at assassination and you’ve got some serious moves. I dont really know what to say but you can always hang out with my gang whenever you want.

[hwajin]

disclaimers: this is f!reader angst, expect nothing from me i have bad grammar and im mentally drained. tnx -lorelei/🥟

* minho made an update as i was writing.

心做し (224) ft. 이민호

day 1

to say the least, you were annoyed. too annoyed at the fact you couldn't concentrate in the first day of class. "you should really talk it out with him." jeongin said at you with a concerned look. "i'm not angry i just, hate being second all the time. c'mon ayen, you know that since the first day we became friends."

you were once y/n, the transferee girl. you sat beside jeongin on your first day, who thought you looked cute on your first day.

coincidentally, you liked his friend. a senior who was named minho. assuring to yourself and jeongin that it was nothing more than a crush was the hardest part. being drunk at a party and confessing to him had become what you quote "the best thing i've ever did".

after class ended, you decided to stick with jeongin who became class president and now is tasked to clean the classroom. why were you there? you really trusted him, a lot and as a friend.

"hyung!" jeongin called out to your supposed boyfriend who was walking toward your classroom.

"y/n-ah, bubs, cutie" he said, ignoring the male and rushing to give you a warm hug. "if you feel less, remember i love you so much. today tomorrow forever, remember?" he told you and you just stood there, uncertain how to react.

"y/n you should go home, i'll be waiting for seungmin too." jeongin said with a warm smile, looking at your annoyed face that contrasts minho's neutral face.

for some reason, you and minho walked home not even talking. "i'm-" "please dont remind me again." you coldly said. "i'll make it up to you. iced coffee?" he asked as you shrugged, thinking of your answer but your heart said yes after a second he asked the question.

"i'm super sorry i've been insecure." you muttered while intertwining both your arms. "no big deal. remember that she's a friend." he said as he rubbed your fingers.

you've never really been anyone's first choice, in middle school you never really had a permanent set of friends that treated you like a friend. you were always rejected and your parents never really cared for you as much as other parents do. you knew you grew up quickly, and you're trying to fix yourself as much as you can.

"oh look, the theme park is open today." he said, pointing outside to the moving ferris wheel. "come on, we are fixing the blue, making it color yellow." he said while dragging you outside the coffee shop as you silently drink your coffee.

he put your bangs down slightly, smiling at what he did and ruffles your hair softly. "my y/n is so cute. she's pretty, nice and she is the first person in my mind. "

"minho?" there she was, the girl you hate the most. minho's first love. his family loves her that sometimes you get compared to her. you knew of her existence, unsure if she knew yours though. "ah this must be your new girlfriend!"

noticing your uneasy gazes, minho spoke up. "hi, yeah and we're leaving." he said. "i really don't know where the entrance is, can i come with you? i'm meeting up with my friends." she pouted as you nodded.

"yeah, you're y/n, super cute. minho and you were together since last year? congrats!" she asked and minho was the one to answer. "yeah, here's the entrance to the theme park." he scoffed and held your hand tighter while you walked towards the ferris wheel.

day 2

the next day, you had to bring it up to jeongin and seungmin, people you trusted the most. "yeah its kinda like in a teasing way, i absolutely hate it. its like she wants to punch me in the face and move me out of her way!"

"oh my god, never be a punch bag you can move around." jeongin said. "i'm not a punchbag!" you said in an enthusiasic tone "Y/N ISNT A PUNCHBAG." seungmin accidentally said too loudly, causing the librarian to look and he bowed his head to say sorry. "my bad." he said and the three of you laughed quietly.

day 94

and, you knew it was coming.

after months, she always found a way to be closer to him. after all, she did know him better. while losing time for you, he remembered all the points on why she was his first love after all.

"minho... please dont hurt me anymore mentally. if you want to break up with me, im sorry. i dont know. i just feel too conflicted. i... hate this so much. i want to die. " was the first words you said as he opened up to your door. "i love you y/n." "its always i love you y/n, i love you y/n, fuck do you even mean them?! words aint enough, atleast spend some time with me. i... absolutely hate this."

collapsing to his arms, he felt his tears rushing down his cheeks. "i never knew you felt like that." he said as he caressed your hair. "now you know." you said, as he kissed your tears away. "can we move somewhere else?" he asked, talking about the awkward position you have on the doorway that made you smile.

day 156

"wow, it's snowing!" you said as you tugged minho's arm. "babe, please pay attention to me." you say to your boyfriend over and over again, who has been focusing on his project. you knew it was hard for him, but it was a sunday. and it was a group project. "you done your part yesterday-" "let me finish this first." he said with a scary tone, realizing what he said he decided to let it be for a few moments.

why am i being like this? he asked himself, looking at his girlfriend. his girlfriend, he reminded himself. perhaps he forgot? is his first love comig back to his life?

day 183

"and... thats what i knew. " you said over and over again. "y/n..." "stop messing around with me! you knew i couldve told hwang hyunjin from class c that! i couldve told your friend jisung, i had a crush on them too, but i chose you, and i never regretted it for, one and a half year. you dont even remember our anniversary? could you just ever..." you said, walking away.

"but i wasn't your first choice either." he spit out, and that made you get very angry. "what about now? who is your first choice now, my first choice now would be you. after that day i confessed it became you, i didnt even force myself to. it was because, you were minho i loved. can i... get him back. but fuck no, you played me." you said, and he breathed in and out.

after hours of silence, you left your phone, he noticed. opening the chats and backreading everything, that was the time where indeed he was wrong, he was wrong in all aspects. he never says sorry, its always her. and his phone rang, it was the girl again. he felt a jolt in his heart reading her name, butterflies in his stomach, but he knew there was y/n.

"ah fuck, this is all my fault."

day 192

a week or so since you havent gone to school, thats when you realized your mom cared and told you advice, went online shopping with you. its just that you always view everything negatively.

"someone wants to see you." she said, you hoped it was minho who would tell you sorry.

"y/n... its jeongin and seungmin. i have notes here compiled, even though im from another class. jeongin has english here, are you fine? " they asked while you explained everything.

day 194

deciding to go to school although minho was there was a bad thing. the day consisted of you being mentally unstable, and that wasnt the cherry on top.

"why are you here?" you said once you went out the school campus. "because, i want to. iced coffee?" again, blindly saying yes.

day 200

if you love her, dont be nice anymore. chanted in your head, but cant be said.

" why are you so nice, i know you've fallen out of love. " and he smiled as he looked again at the movie.

"minho. please, give me closure. stop being nice. treat me like a servant. swear at me. tell me im a bitch, whore, i dont know degrade me! please leave my heart alone, i cant cry anymore."

and so he thought for a moment, i cant do that.

day 210

holding you close again while you violently react, he caressed your face softly. tracing each feature and wiping your tears.

screaming, crying, like the storm. but he still held you up, like how he does to you everytime. "it's fine now."

day 224

"if i had a hole in my heart, how do i fix it?" she asked him, the man who she hasnt talked to in 2 weeks. "you've known what it is." he replied subtly.

"its not today tomorrow forever anymore huh. two day, two morrow and four ever. and its feb 24. fucking want to collapse or you just hit me and degrade me like what i said." and you watched him shake his head. "you cant split a heart into two and think it would still work, cant you?"

"but, you can break one into pieces and then they'd pretend its fine." she says with a bitter smile. "please be happy." and those words, those simple words were the confirmation. it was such a bitersweet love, everyone finds their way out of this somehow.

oof wait a minute i gotta read this later I DON'T HAVE TIME RN BUT EVERYONE GO READ

[hysterialevi]

Abraham - A RDR2 Fanfic

Fanfic summary [NO SPOILERS]: Lyle Morgan and his eleven-year-old son have a conversation about Beatrice’s death, only for the boy to witness a second one.

Warning(s): Mild language

Author’s note: Bear with me if not everything in this story is correct. I’m not entirely sure where Arthur’s originally from (all I’ve heard is that he’s from somewhere in the north), so I just made something up lol. Also, this fic will only be one part. Anyway, hope you enjoy :)

From Lyle’s POV

A FOREST SOMEWHERE IN MONTANA

SUMMER, 1874

Strollin’ through the tall, thick grass, I led my mount around the forest at a casual pace while my son sat on top, consumed by his journal as always. It was an hour or two before midday, and right now, there was a radiant blanket o’ sunshine bathing the entire forest, painting everything with a golden tint. It was beautiful, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day out here...but this feeling of annoyance just wouldn’t stop naggin’ me, and I knew exactly why.

I briefly glanced over my shoulder, peering at my son as he scribbled something down in the weathered pages of his journal.

A quick sigh escaped me.

I didn’t know who the hell Arthur got his interest in art from, or why Beatrice even bothered buying him that book, but that child just couldn’t seem to take his eyes away from it. Every time I came across the boy, he was always scratchin’ down some fantasy world of his, or creating images of a utopia I ain’t ever seen. It was pointless.

He spent more time daydreamin’ in that book than he did playing outside, or hunting, or fishing -- hell, he didn’t even know how to read -- and yet, Beatrice seemed perfectly content with it.

Or at least...she did.

Beatrice weren’t around no more. She was killed by bandits a few months ago. Robbed. Left on the side o’ the road for the crows to feed on. But Arthur didn’t know that. Sheriff told him it was a wild animal that took her. A wolf, to be exact. And he believed him.

I dragged a hand down my face, suddenly feelin’ exhausted just thinking about it.

Had I done the right thing, not tellin’ Arthur the truth about his own mother’s death, I wondered? I figured the kid didn’t need to know the morbid details, or even the entire truth, but I still felt like a piece of shit for not revealing the full story -- especially considering that them bandits who killed Beatrice...killed her ‘cause of me.

I had stolen something from them. Somethin’ valuable. And before it fell into their dirty hands, that “something” apparently belonged to a rich plantation owner who really wanted it back. Ended up gettin’ one of the bandits hanged, and left them thirsty for revenge. But they didn’t have the strength to go after the plantation owner. So, they came after me instead.

They chased me for quite a while. They chased me across the mountains, across the swamps, across the goddamned snow...until finally, they came to their senses and realized there were much better, more convenient ways of hurtin’ me. And thus, their paths diverted to my wife and son.

Those bastards managed to corner her while she was ridin’ to town to do some shopping. Found her on some secluded road between here and the nearest settlement, and ensured she would never return. That was when Arthur went lookin’ for help to find his missing mother hours later, and the sheriff assured him a wolf had gotten to Beatrice.

Christ. I really was a terrible father, weren’t I? Not only did I pay more attention to a bottle o’ whiskey than my own wife, I had also neglected Arthur for years on end, and indirectly gotten his mother killed. And the boy was only eleven.

He had spent half of his life not knowing a damned thing about where his daddy was, or even what he did, only to lose the one parent he already had before he could find out.

Lord...there had to be some way to make this up to him.

I looked back at the boy, suddenly feeling an urge to say something -- anything -- to him.

“Arthur,” I called out, catching the kid’s attention as his head perked up from behind the journal’s pages, “put that damned book away for a moment, will you?”

The boy hurriedly marked his place in the journal with a pen and shut it closed, resting the object on the saddle’s surface as he hung his head low in shame.

“...Sorry, sir.” He murmured.

I shook my head, lettin’ out a concerned breath.

“You spend far too much time in that journal. It was a mistake to buy it.”

Arthur’s eyes wandered to the trees towering around us.

“I’m sorry, dad,” he apologized timidly. “But I like drawing.”

I scoffed. “Yeah? Well, I like Poker. But I ain’t got time to play it. Too busy worryin’ about survival, and keeping the both of us fed. You can’t always do what you want, Arthur. You gotta provide. Things like drawing, gambling...they’re frivolous. We got better things to worry about.”

The child quirked a brow. “Friv-uh-less...? What’s that mean?”

“It means we don’t need to do it,” I explained. “What we do need, however, is to eat. So put that journal away and keep an eye out for deer. You was the one who suggested we come out here in the first place.”

Arthur frowned in a discouraged manner. “Yes, sir.”

I gave him a stern nod. “Good boy. Now...you said you seen a big buck out here?”

The boy pointed ahead. “Yeah. It was by the river.”

I gave the reins a little tug, urging my horse to follow me. “Then that’s where we’ll start. C’mon, Boadicea.”

Continuing our little hunting trip, Arthur and I traveled deeper into the lively woods as creatures of all types scurried around us, rustling blades of grass and alerting the tiny insects that hovered above the plants.

There was a rather peaceful mood to the forest today -- a welcome change considerin’ how chaotic my life usually was -- and I had to admit: some part of me enjoyed being here with Arthur. I rarely ever got to see the boy because of my work as an outlaw, and when I did, he always seemed reluctant to leave the house. Whether that was because he was more of an indoors person, or simply ‘cause he weren’t eager to spend time with me -- I didn’t know. But it was good to be with him regardless.

Approaching the large river, I came to a temporary halt as I crouched down and examined the ground, carefully searchin’ for any tracks that could’ve possibly led us to the buck.

The area here appeared undisturbed -- save for the fish flopping in and out of the babbling water -- and as far as I could tell, there weren’t no deer running around this section of the forest. Not at the moment, anyway. Maybe they were at a different part of the river.

I took a closer look at the grass, only to be torn away from my thoughts when Arthur raised a question.

“Dad?” He asked softly. “Can I...can I ask you something? About momma?”

I paused, thrown off-guard by the sudden change in tone.

“Momma?” I repeated, slowly turning towards the boy. “Why you wanna talk about her?”

Arthur’s expression sank with sorrow.

“It’s just...you knew her better than I did. Or longer, I guess. And I don’t remember her that good. ...Do you?”

I gazed at him in a puzzled manner, admittedly still a bit taken aback by the abrupt question.

“...Clear as day,” I replied, unwilling to sift through the painful memories. “But that don’t matter. She’s...she ain’t coming back, Arthur. No one does, once they die. Ain’t no point in lingerin’ in the past when it can only haunt you. All we can do is move on. You understand?”

Clearly a bit hurt by my response, Arthur dropped the subject and averted his eyes from me, peering over at a nearby gathering of flowers instead.

He slouched despondently. “...I understand.”

That wasn’t good enough for me. I took a step towards him.

“Look at me when you say that, Arthur,” I demanded. “It’s important you look people in the eye when you speak to them.”

The boy brought his line of sight back to me, his face veiled behind a very subtle layer of fear.

He straightened his back a bit. “I understand.”

I nodded in approval. “Good. Now...let’s get back to huntin’ this buck. You sure it was around the river?”

Arthur gazed around. “I saw it this morning when I was playing with Copper,” he confirmed. “It was drinkin’ water right here. That’s when I came to get you.”

I observed the dirt underneath me, squinting my eyes as I searched for clues. The grass in these parts was quite thick, so that made it even tougher to spot fur, or dung -- and I still didn’t see any deer tracks -- but it certainly looked like another animal had been around here.

I kneeled down, shuffling the grass outta the way with my hand.

“It looks like some wild horses might’ve passed through this area,” I examined. “But no sign of deer. Oh, well...the day is still young, and we have some time, so we’ll keep looking.” I gestured to a nearby bridge. “Let’s try over there.”

Grabbing my horse’s reins, I continued to guide it through the woods as Arthur scouted the area for me, his big blue eyes scanning the sharp horizon while the sun escalated in the sky. There was a certain determination in his temperament now, and the longer we carried on trying to locate this buck, the more my son seemed to be enjoying himself.

Perhaps there was hope for us, after all.

“...Dad?” The boy called again, making me flick my eyes to the side. “What if there are wolves out here?”

I encouraged him to stay calm. “Now, don’t you go worryin’ about that. If we see wolves out here, we’ll be fine. We’re armed, we’re fast, and we’re smart.”

Arthur wasn’t convinced. “...Momma was smart.”

I sighed in a melancholic tone at that. “Yes...she was. But...Momma was killed by a different type of wolf.”

He tilted his head in a puzzled manner. “What d’you mean?”

I gestured to my rifle. “Not all wolves are the same, Arthur. Some use their teeth, some use their guns, and some use their tongue. You gotta be able to identify them when you see ‘em.”

The kid didn’t say it flat out, but I could tell he knew what I was really talkin’ about.

“Those sound more like people.” He replied. I let out a gentle chuckle.

“People can be worse than wolves, Arthur. In fact, I’d prefer a wolf over some o’ the people I’ve met.”

Arthur leaned forward in the saddle, his body swaying along with Boadicea’s steady speed.

“What kinda people have you met?”

I lowered my voice, thinking back to the bandits who killed Beatrice.

“Killers. Thieves. Deceivers. Men who will constantly betray each other even though they share the same motive: greed.”

I turned to Arthur with a remorseful look, hopin’ to do at least one right thing in my life, and use myself as a cautionary tale that money weren’t as clean as it seemed.

“...Greed,” I told him, “it breaks people, Arthur. They may not realize it, ‘cause greed can get you far in this world...but the reward ain’t worth it. Not compared to the things you have to sacrifice. In the end, you’ll have tons of cash, only to realize that there are luxuries not even millionaires can afford.”

His innocence took over. “Then why do they do it?”

That was a question I asked myself everyday. I shrugged in a disheartened fashion.

“Because they don’t care. So long as their pockets is heavy, and their bellies is full, they’ll keep on going. But like I said, greed poisons you. It kills you. And you won’t even notice until you’re already sittin’ in a grave. So promise me, Arthur, promise me that when you get to my age...you won’t become a wolf.”

Despite evidently bein’ a little confused, the child was able to make some sense of what I just said and agreed to the promise, reassuring me with a small smile.

“I promise.”

“Good boy,” I praised, bringing my mind back to the main reason we came out here. “Anyway, here’s the bridge. Why don’t you hop down and help me find this buck?”

“Okay.”

Sliding down the saddle, Arthur effortlessly climbed down and joined me, scurrying ‘round like a mouse while he searched for any signs of the buck. But so far, there was nothing in sight.

“See anything?” I checked. The boy shook his head.

I wiped some sweat off my brow, letting out a fatigued sigh. This animal was certainly proving to be a challenge to hunt down. We had already been in this forest for a couple hours now, and our efforts still hadn’t paid off. Part o’ me was almost starting to suspect if Arthur even saw a deer in the first place, and not some other kinda animal.

I decided to take a short break, and turned to ask the boy.

“You positive the buck was roamin’ around in these parts? Or that it was a buck at all? I haven’t seen any tracks so far.”

A soft rustle suddenly reached my ears, interrupting my conversation with Arthur as I reached for my gun, only to be stopped by a sound I didn’t expect.

It was a man’s voice.

“...Don’t even think about it,” the stranger warned, cocking his own gun. “I will shoot if necessary.”

Freezing at the intrusion, I remained perfectly still and didn’t utter a single word as a pair of footsteps steadily approached me from behind, followed by two more men coming in from the front on horseback.

They were all dressed in similar outfits donned with Nevada hats, and I couldn’t help but notice the star-shaped badges shimmerin’ blatantly on their chests.

Shit. These were lawmen. What the hell were they doin’ out here? I never expected the law to travel this far into the country. This was definitely odd.

What really puzzled me though, weren’t the fact that there were three lawmen just...waitin’ for us out here -- it was more the fact that Arthur didn’t seem phased by any of this in the slightest. Just what exactly was goin’ on?

Trotting closer to me, one of the mounted men glowered in my direction as he ordered his deputy to restrain me, his firm, steel eyes never wavering.

I recognized him instantly.

“...Sheriff Buchanan.” I muttered through gritted teeth.

He returned the greeting, scowling from under his hat’s rim.

“Lyle Morgan.”

I shrugged at him, unsure of what to make of the situation.

“What is this shit? What’s the sheriff doing all the way out here?”

Buchanan glanced at Arthur, standing in front of him in a protective manner.

“I told you I’d use every option I had to get you behind bars, Morgan...and I meant it. You made the choice not to heed my warning.”

Taking a second to process what he just told me, the realization suddenly hit me like a bullet to the gut as I stared at Arthur with a sense of immense betrayal, unable to believe what was happening.

There never was no goddamned buck.

Things was never gonna work out for me and Arthur.

This was all a trap.

My own...son...had turned me in.

He was the bait, and Buchanan was the true hunter.

I clenched my jaw in rage, doing my absolute best to shield my emotions as the deputy kicked me to my knees.

“...A-Arthur...?” I whispered, my voice trembling.

The boy looked me straight in the eye, standing adamantly beside Buchanan as his deputies tied me up. I threw a glare at the sheriff, damning him till my last moments.

“You bastard, Buchanan...!” I cursed. “You turned my own damned son against me...?!”

The man showed no guilt and tightened his grip on his rifle, silently advising me to stay back.

“No need,” Buchanan denied. “You drove him to me all by yourself.”

He placed a gentle hand on Arthur’s shoulder and guided him towards the second deputy, ordering them to bring him back to town.

“Clayton, bring the boy back to the office. We’ll figure out where to send him later. For now though, just keep him safe, and look after him.”

“Right away, Sheriff.”

Preparing both his horse and mine for departure, the deputy left Arthur next to the sheriff as the boy stood firmly in place, his innocent yet damaged gaze never leavin’ mine.

Despite the hint of remorse clouding the child’s eyes, it was pretty obvious Arthur felt he made the right decision in turning me in. And just as Buchanan’s second deputy started to drag me away, I couldn’t help but notice a beautiful Whitetail buck wanderin’ around in the distance, its majestic antlers standing out like a crown on a monarch’s head as it bathed in the golden sunlight.

The animal swayed its head in my direction, almost as if trying to communicate with me.

“I’m sorry, dad,” Arthur whispered as he walked towards Clayton, blocking the buck in the process. “...But you made me promise.”

Taking his leave, the boy finally mounted up and steadily trotted away from the scene, only to reveal an empty spot where the buck once stood as he left the forest.

Well...I may have found the buck like I planned, but it weren’t my job to kill it.

And it certainly weren’t my place to look for it.

I could hunt them down to my heart’s content, and kill ‘em all I wanted for my own desires...but in the end, they would always be able to afford the one luxury I’d never obtained.

Peace.

[modharlow]

Today was one of those days again. The sky looked stormy yet shed no rain, the sun barely peeking out for a second before sheltering itself away. People were bustling about to do their everyday work, all seeming to enjoy themselves. Oh, how you wish that were you, but alas it was not. No, you were out here, passing through Valentine, because some sorry excuse of a father left the camp again. “Probably drunk off his ass again.” You lowly hissed out.

When Charles came up to Dutch and reported the missing man, the leaders eyes happened to fall on you to retrieve him. Fortunately he also sent Arthur with you. “I trust you kid,” Dutch started off as he lead you to your horse, “but not enough to believe you won’t kick Mr. Swanson’s ass.”

Well… at least he was cautious because he was right. If it had been just you, you would’ve beat the man black and blue—mostly out of anger but if you happen to fix whatever the hell was going on in that mans brain then that’d work fine too.

It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve lied hands on him, though you never want “too far”. Given everything he’d done, or hasn’t done for better words, you going easy on him was a mercy.

”Aw, now now, little birdy,” Arthur’s voice cut through your thoughts, “I know that face. Don’t tell me you plannin’ on killin’ him this time?” His tone was joking but you couldn’t help the silent “and if I do?” that came out.

Letting out a whistle, the outlaw adjusted his hat. “You ever gonna tell me what’s the bad blood between you two?”

”On my deathbed, maybe.”

”Don’t be like that.” He replied, his tone growing soft. “He’s still your father. Doesn’t help that he’s always drunk, I know, but he’s tryin’.”

You swore you’ve never felt such hot rage boil deep inside your veins. Your knuckles turned white from your grip in the horses’ reins and your teeth clenched down to prevent you from shouting at your friend. “Arthur,” your voice was tense, just like your body, “don’t be defendin’ that man when you’ve no reason.”

The ride was silent now, save for the goodhearted people that said hello to either of you as you passed, until you both made it out of town.

Arthur let out a long sigh before taking lead and changing the direction you both were going. “C’mon, we’re gonna talk this out, you ‘nd me.”

”Arthur-”

”We’ll find him, trust me. We always do. Right now you just need to explain to me why the hell you hate his guts so much when neither of you even look at each other.”

You took note at the new destination. It was somewhere away from the roads, perfect for a private talk.

Now it was your turn to let out a long sigh. You didn’t say anything until you both ended up by some trees. From there Arthur got off his horse and motioned for you to do the same. When you did he sat both you down at the foot of a tree, perfectly protected from prying ears and the possible rain if it were to happen.

Leaning his head against the tree, Arthur spoke. “When you joined our camp you were so happy, so giddy. You didn’t have a care in the world. It was… nice. A nice change of pace.”

”I was young then. I didn’t understand anythin’.”

”What makes you think you understand now?”

Scoffing, you turned away from him brought your knees to your chest. Silently, you said, “I understand enough to know he’s a dead-beat dad.”

”Feel like elaboratin’?”

It became silent again. The horses were eating grass as the tree swayed itself side-to-side, birds flying overhead in a mixture of dull colors. All were unaware of the grief and burning hatred you held inside.

Taking in a deep breath, in through your nose and out through your mouth, you started to pick at the dirt and rocks in the ground. “I was four when mama died.” You breathed out. “I didn’t know that’s what it was. Just thought she was nappin’, y’know? She’d always seemed so… tired.” You faintly turned to face Arthur. “Was like she lost her light.” A soft chuckle filled the moment. “Guess in the end… she did, huh?”

”I’m… Listen, I-”

”You wanna know how she died, Arthur?” You were facing him now, your face calm yet the grip you had on a spare rock from the ground said otherwise. “She used the exact mechanisms my father’s usin’ right now.” You turned your attention to the rock in your hands, fingers nimbly toying with it. “Turns out, you know, that she didn’t want a child. She wanted to be free… but was tied down because of me—and dad? Oh, well, he had his teachings to do. No, he could never come home on time or spend some moments with his only kid.” You tossed the rock away from you, your eyes narrowing to keep yourself at bay. “Don’t think he wanted a child either.”

”Now that ain’t true.” Arthur interjected before flinching slightly at your glare yet not faltering. “I dunno about your mama but Reverend loves you.”

”If he loved me then why the hell are we out here having to look for his sorry ass?!” You yelled, getting up from your spot and walking away a few steps. “If he loved me then why was he never there for me? When men would be lookin’ at me weirdly, or when kids would hurt me ‘cause I only had one parent? What about when I was almost kidnapped ‘cause his dumbass had a damn “meeting” to go too, huh?”

Arthur got up too with his hands held up in surrender as he took careful steps towards you. “Easy now. It’s okay. You’re okay.” But his words fell on deaf ears as you let your pent up emotions explode inside you.

”I was six when I learned what death was. I tried killin’ myself, then tried again a few months later. I was eight when I tried to talk to him only for him to push me away. I was nine when I ran away before comin’ back. It’s funny, you know, ‘cause it was like he didn’t notice I was gone.” You swallowed down the sob that desparely wanted to come out, instead letting whimpers leave your mouth. “I was fourteen when I realized he didn’t care for me. He never did, he only worries about himself—if you can even call whatever he’s doin’, “worrying”.”

You furiously wiped at your eyes, teeth eating away at your bottom lip to stop yourself from crying more. “Arthur. Arthur, I’m bein’ honest when I say this,” you took in a shaky breath, “I’ve dreamt of killin’ him. I’ve always felt free when I did it, too. It felt so refreshin’ to me. Was like chains were melted off and I could finally run again. It’s a feelin’ I chase after every time we have to look for him.”

When you looked up at Arthur with those vulnerable eyes, he was at a loss for words. He thinks back to his own memories of you being that happy-go-lucky kid he grew up with and felt his chest tighten. So was that all a facade so you could hide away your pain? How had he not noticed to sooner? Did anyone else know? Dutch? Hosea? You were close to those two but… did you ever really let them in?

”I’m… I’m sorry, I…” Those were not the words he wanted to say. Truly, he didn’t know what to say. He knew Swanson was not an ideal father but this—this is how you were treated? How you lived your life? “I don’t… know what to say.”

”No one ever does.”

After a short pause, Arthur felt his own anger begin to form when your died down. “Why the hell do we still keep him ‘round then? If he’s like this to you, then why don’t we just get rid of him? You’re the only one we really need. You hunt, fish, and you can even haggle someone almost as well as Hosea! He doesn’t do shit-”

”Arthur, I thank you for feelin’ my anger for me but it’s… I hate him, I do, but it’s more complex than that.” Now you felt bad for pulling your friend along with your emotions. You should’ve kept your mouth shut like you always had, only showing anger when it was just you and your dad alone.

Huffing, Arthur let his hands hold onto his belt as he leaned on his foot. “Well… we got all the time in the world for you to talk.”

While you dried off your wet face with your sleeve, you tried to formulate the correct words. “It’s… hard to explain. If he’s gone then… I’ll have no more blood-family. ‘Nd despite everythin’, well, he still let me go with him to join Dutch when he could’ve left me.” You voice trailed off, your eyes straying from the looks Arthur was giving you. “I-I know, okay? It’s idiotic for me to feel like this even after all that’s happened but I just—I can’t leave him to fend for himself. He lost his wife, ‘nd now I’m all that he has. Even if we don’t talk…”

”I don’t think I’ll ever understand you.” Arthur muttered as he took steps towards you. “I ain’t ever been in your boots so I guess I can’t say much but,” cautiously, he put his arms around you, “if you ever want his ass gone, just say so. Or if you… if you wanna leave ‘nd let him stay with the gang then… that’s alright. Just tell me beforehand, okay? I’d be mighty down if you up and left without a goodbye.”

You nodded your head while you returned the hug. Your eyelids stung and your body felt heavy from your outbursts of emotions, though you couldn’t deny how safe you felt right at this moment.

Closing your eyes, you let yourself get lost in the feeling of being openly loved by someone you held dear to you.

Arthur had been your first since you were first welcomed to the gang and a side of you berated yourself for keeping silent from him for so long. Still, within these moments, you felt alright. You felt… free. “I won’t leave. Not when I have someone like you lookin’ out for me.” You tried to bury yourself deep into his chest, wanting to stay with this comfort for much longer. Softly, you whispered out, “Thank you.”

[whining-ego]

Story: productivity and time

> tw: negativity

since the middle school years, i have always been striving for productivity.

i’ve been cherishing this idea of working to my maximum workload capacity. achieving new milestones, becoming a successful person. spending each minute worthfully.

and i’ve always been blaming myself for wasting time. because on every occasion i can reappropriate some of it to educating myself, helping others, investing in future. sounds like a wholesome idea, right? — a human need to self develop. i know i’m capable of lifting my ass off of the couch. why not then? good deeds are waiting for me!

oh that’s the painful spot. i know it’s not gonna work like that for one reason: working to the maximum ability will only cause more pain.

because it’s never enough. i could work my ass off twice as much as i can healthy handle and still continue blaming myself. “why am i not doing everything faster? i could’ve done one, five, ten more tasks in the meanwhile if i wasn’t this lazy!“

lazy. keepin’ referring to myself this way i guess. it felt especially difficult a few years ago, when a realization slowly hit me with the powerful impact: i could have done more for these past n years. now i’m never going to achieve anything. it led to the foolish suffering, like cleaning out every crook and nanny in kitchen one evening and crying while listening to an audio book, because i need to! i’m loosing my potential! i have to!

i wrote ‘it felt’, ‘it led’, but actually there was no end. even now, while writing this, i feel bitter anxiety over doing ‘nothing’ for a week. i could have spend these hours to become a Better Person. but that idiot decided to rElAx FrOm StUdYiNg huh

the motivation problems fuel the pain further; i physically can’t make myself focus, but that shouldn’t be the case! you have all the resources! you have time! yeah that precious time you’re always anxious about! you’re going to end up on streets and nobody would need this dumb, unnecessary, lazy nothing why aren’t you doing anything worthwhile—

the funniest part is, there is nothing that would satisfy my brain in terms of ‘productive enough‘ besides studying. everything causes anxiety. every freaking thing. but it is better for some reason now. maybe deep inside i realized that, no matter what, i’m going to suck. i gave up and lost all hopes., pouring free time into watching pathetic life hack videos i don’t need because that’s the only thing that keeps me engaged. although maybe it’s not that bad huh...

then a project to do comes up and the cycle continues. stressing out, sitting down and working for five hours straight without rest, taking all the job onto myself because apparently i’m the only one who can handle it. hating myself for not being able to do everything faster and better

it is not enough. it is not. do more. do better. do.

so here we have it: a strong urge for being productive and an inability to satisfy that urge. all while understanding that if i start being productive there will be no end.

sometimes i wonder why i can’t be perfect.

[folkiefruit]

alright im pissed about something that happened at work today so if you dont like rants you might wanna keep scrolling

so today (mother’s day) these two women, a mother and daughter, came into the store I work at. The daughter was probably in her 40s, mom was maybe 70 something. 

And this fucking woman (the daughter) was unbelievably rude to her mom. Telling her what she can and can’t buy. Telling her the clothes she liked were ugly. Basically bossing her around, demeaning her, humiliating her. It was probably bad enough to call it verbal abuse (and I think it was the mother’s own money that the daughter wouldn’t let her spend, so financial abuse as well)

and the worst part is I couldn’t do a single fucking thing about it. If I hadn’t been at work I would have gone fucking wild. Like the mother didn’t do ANYTHING mean, and her daughter is sitting here undermining all of her decisions, speaking condescendingly, rolling her eyes when her mom spoke, making a huge scene to embarrass this poor woman

My manager said she thought that the mom might have had alzheimer’s, which, at least in my opinion, makes the daughter’s behavior even worse. You can’t fucking treat people like that. I don’t care what your relationship to them is, I don’t care if they are disabled, if they arent purposefully hurting you or anyone else, DONT BE FUCKING RUDE.

I felt so freaking bad for the mother and I really wish I couldve done something. Also? There were other customers in the store that saw the whole thing and didnt say a word.

So basically I want to say two things: 

1. just be nice to people. Especially in public. Like I argue with my mom sometimes, sure, but I would never say the things this woman said, and especially not when there are a bunch of strangers around watching. 

2. if youre a customer somewhere and see that kind of thing happening, PLEASE speak up, because the workers usually cant. (If I had any authority I would have thrown the woman out.)

I get that confrontation is hard, and nobody wants to get in the middle of that situation. But if no one steps up, it keeps happening. Suck it up and stand up for people that need it

(also happy mother’s day to all the moms out there with kids that treat them like garbage. You deserve better)

[narcissusanasui]

all of an 😎

*em. all of em. jesus christ.

god katie, fInE (but thanks, cherie, love yo

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Read Les Mis, watch Game of Thrones and Voltron, listen to folk rock (especially Phillip Phillips and Mumford & Sons)

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

Never really thought about that, but the writing styles of Dickens, Doyle, and Austin always stick in my head so i guess them???

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

katie NO, that’s TOO MUCH. so i guess i’ll just give examples of the ones that i have actually thought about relating to:

Katara from A:tla was like THE strong female character of my childhood. Guarantee that she made me a feminist

Lance from Voltron because i spent way too much time like 4th grade through 11th worrying that i was that “seventh wheel” and thinking that i didn’t have a lot of skill and i wanna support my friends so yeah

Yuuri Katsuki from Yuri on Ice. look what the world did to this guy - he’s got anxiety

Ennoshita Chikara from Haikyuu because BOI I ALWAYS GET SHOVED INTO HAVING TO LEAD PEOPLE BUT IT TOOK ME YEARS TO UNDERSTAND IT

Sugawara Koushi from Haikyuu. i am the Mom Friend and i will fight you

4. do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

i do like my name. my parents almost named me Colleen - which i don’t think fits, but then again i believe that we all grow to fit our names. i hated my last name as a little kid because no one would say it right (an issue that exists today too) and like when i started elementary school i straight up kept the spelling of it on a piece of paper in my pocket so i wouldnt mess up. now i love it and i think my name flows really well and if i get married i might not change it.

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

well i call myself a human being. and while my actions are important to me, thinking too much about what i do and what i couldve done gets me freaked out so instead i sit and just be. i’ll think calmly and exist

6. are you religious/spiritual?

im agnostic - raised Roman Catholic (but even then we werent strict about following it but i did do ccd and my sacraments so yeah). i want to believe that there is something but there just isnt enough solid evidence for me to be comfortable and if there is some god or force or something, i am a minuscule piece of the massive universe and that god wouldnt give a shit so why should they influence my decisions? i love religions tho. they have fascinating history and i love seeing all the similarites because it just shows how so many humans are all so similarly spiritual and through seeing those similarites it makes me feel more spiritual because i know my catholic upbringing shaped me as a person and i know that there has to be a deeper meaning behind the world’s religions being so connected

7. do you care about your ethnicity?

yes. im fifty shades of white, but the larger pieces of my background are the cultures that my family celebrate still today and they are what i identify as. im italian-irish-american with a polish last name and i will eat my cuisine and wear the Callahan family crest and hopefully make it to Avelino someday

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

i was raised on billy joel and elton john so their music is built into me with such a powerful level of nostalgia that i will feel like im back in my house before we repainted it and replaced the furniture and im dancing like an idiot to crocodile rock at age 4 again. PP and M&S hit my emotions hard since i first heard them, but M&S’s Sigh No More album will forever equal driving to chicago because we played that album and only that album the. whole. time. except at night because thats when billy joel comes out

9. are you an artist?

at the most basic definition yes. i make art for fun and relaxation through music and writing and doodling and crafts

10. do you have a creed?

i just want to be content with my life when i die. i want to know that i loved and supported people the best i could. so i guess always put the family first (family being whoever i deem to be in that category). and don’t be an asshole.

11. describe your ideal day.

not too hot or cold, like the temperature fall shouldve been. hiking a trail or mountain with changing leaves, watch some of my favorite shows, go to one of my favorite small restaurants.

12. dog person or cat person?

cat.

13. inside or outdoors?

inside

14. are you a musician?

yes

15. five most influential books over your lifetime.

stoppppppp. Tale of Two Cities, Catch-22, Pride & Prejudice, Night, To Kill a Mockingbird

16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

nope. i grew up 30-60 minutes from some of the most important locations in american history. went to them way too many times as a kid so then when i was a teen i just snapped like “wait some people only come here once in their lives and thats why we have so many annoying tourists! because this kind of stuff ISNT NORMAL?!” and now im a history major so yeah

17. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?

almost. i cant really be fully myself because that involves way too much of my personal life and im scared of accidentally pissing people off on the internet so there is a little bit more filter here

18. what’s your patronus?

i actually dont know because i lost my pottermore login forever ago so i never actually did that quiz

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

im ravenclaw with hufflepuff as my secondary, so im a ravenpuff, but ravenclaw is totally my main

20. would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

Hogwarts or the world of Avatar (not the blue people one) - like after war when everything is chill and magical

21. do you love easily?

when i get attached to someone, good luck getting rid of me, im here for the long haul, so yes

22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

listening to music, thinking about fictional stories i want to write, reading, watching videos, actually writing (whether that be my journal or my fiction or hw)

23. how often would you want to see your family every year?

as much as possible

24. have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?

as when i felt perfectly in sync talking to someone? yes with my history prof and with my father

25. could you live as a hermit?

im an introvert but id miss my loved ones too much

26. how would you describe your gender/sexuality?

im cis female and im asexual (somewhere on the spectrum), my romantic attraction is something im still figuring out

27. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

katie considering you figured me out basically on sight, yes

28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

5 or 6?

29. three songs that you connect with right now.

“Africa” by Toto because it’s still in my head. “Float On” by Modest Mouse. “Sound of Change” by Dirty Head.

30. pick one of your favorite quotes.

“I am the one thing in life I can control. I am inimitable. I am an original.” - said by Aaron Burr in Hamilton

katie i shouldve been finishing my essay

I would say send me a number but this is done now lol so go reblog it and join the fun

[gallifvrey]

alright here we go

(i am finally calm enough that i can express my thoughts in words instead of high pitched screaming)

i really, really loved that episode. i thought it was a spectacular end, it frankly went above all of my expectations. the ending w bill was very, very cliche but it was such a nice subversion of tropes, i thought it was really nice and good and i really did like it a lot

the beginning was really good - i liked the two regenerations of the master working together against the doctor (i am def. gonna talk more abt missy later tho) and bill coming back to save the doctor was, really great imo. 

i really liked nardole in this episode, he was a lot more than the comic relief that he had been kinda portrayed as in the previous episodes, and i thought that was really nice, i liked how his hacking skills were utilized in a way that made sense and i liked how he wasnt fazed by anything. he managed to be a funny character while still being a very critical one, 

i thought the master and missy talking and stuff was really interesting, i really really enjoyed their relationship and i thought it was great

i loved the doctor and bill talking. i wanted her to fight him, i wanted her to be human and he woke up and i wanted her to just punch him, to make him apologize for leaving her, for chattering on while she waited for him, because thats what he did. he didnt run down as soon as he realized what was happening (and you know he realized really quickly - he couldve just explained it on their trip down, he didnt have to spend all that time drawing diagrams). i was annoyed and i felt angry on bills behalf i guess that she wasnt able to get angry at him, that she couldnt yell at him like she (and i) wanted to. i almost hope she’ll come back bc i want her to talk abt this with the doctor, but you know, i dont think theyve ever really done that so im not too shocked

i didnt love missy. ive said this a lot before and ill probably keep saying it but i keep thinking that missys redemption arc is... a bit forced. ive been rewatching the previous episodes in the 12th doctor with missy and i realize now that she was moving towards being a “better” person, specifically in regards to the doctor (she didnt want to kill him at every step necessarily), but this whole thing still seems very forced to me, at least. imo the idea of her suddenly standing with the doctor was a bit strange. i havent seen the old episodes so maybe this is some kind of characterization that ive missed, and i know ive only been exposed to an unusually dark and manic version of the master but i liked where she was, i liked how maybe they werent enemies but they were opposites in a way (i think she peaked in the magicians apprentice tbh - that was i think as ~good~ as the master should get, as a character. likes the doctor but has complete disregard for anyone else. her standing with the doctor to save a bunch of people she doesnt know was definitely a weirdly out of character moment, at least to me)

idk maybe i just like watching the doctor suffer (is that weird? probably right?)

i thought her and the master stabbing each other in the back very literally was a good choice, it was interesting to see how the master regenerated, and im interested in how theyre gonna bring the master back (bc i will not believe that they actually killed her off)

the ending, i thought, was so good. i remember reading a thing a while ago about how moffat likes to write his episodes in a very fairytale-like way, and the ending definitely reflected that. i LOVED that bills girlfriend (bc i dont know her name , sry ) showed back up. i loved that so much, i loved how she brought her back to life and made her not a cyberman anymore, and how theyre traveling the universe together. i loved that! them like facing each other and then simultaneously turning and facing out the door and then holding hands and leaving was.. really cliche and seemed a bit silly but you know, ill take it (the gays in space was great), and the bit w bill crying on top of the doctor and then saying “when theres tears, theres hope” or something was also a lot but also sweet, and ill take it bc i was so emotional by that point in the episode i needed something that was stupidly sweet

AND THEN! AFTER THEY LEAVE!! THATS WHEN IT ENDED!! the montage of the companions saying doctor! just i cried!! this was the beginning of my descent, i was ready to depart and then it just ! kept getting worse! i keep talking abt how much i wish they made references to the old seasons (ex. when clara had to lose her memories for the doctor to say like, ive done this before and i hated it) but then all the sudden they did and i was ! not prepared! bc then he goes “i dont want to go” and like, there went my consciousness and boy was i glad that i was watching this w my family who wouldnt judge me bc i was not being rational

and then “when the doctor was me” like i didnt even realize he said that at first honestly i was so caught up in him saying i dont want to go and being emotional bc of that that i couldnt.. handle it, and him refusing to regenerate was so sad!! it was so much like 10 and 10s was the saddest regeneration i couldnt handle it!!! i am not prepared for this christmas special!!! !!!!!!

in conclusion, i loved the episode and am not ready to have my heart ripped out when it comes to the christmas special

[aworldformythoughts]

9/6/17 started:1:49am ended:2:31am

so i always could've assumed that I'd come back here again. always a different pain to share and type down here. but this time it's different. this time it's about me and my girlfriend.

I think it'd help me if I were to start from the beginning and so I will. the problems within our relationship started about November/December of our junior year. she was just so stressed out about every single thing, math tests, avid notes, and even just simple homework. everything was weighing down on her and my grandmother's passing didn't help me and her at all. instead of focusing on her work she focused on me to get better, to make me feel better. I felt like such a burden, just such a complete waste of resources that could've been used to a greater cause. this ultimately caused her to become behind on her work, piled up with all the already created stress and now with my emotional problems. I took it upon myself to not tell her about my mental state or my emotions. which at first sounded like a good idea because she'd get her work done, she wouldn't know that I was still depressed and suicidal, and I wouldn't feel like such a sack of shit. but now looking back, it was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire lifetime. it caused her to feel incapable, not good enough, worthless for me. and it hurt me so much, and it still does today.

fast forward a few months, my mother starts planning what I'm going to do in the future, without me having a say in my own future. she planned that I head into the medical field. that I apply for kaiser as a volunteer to get familiar with the workplace. while this is all happening, I'm having problems with my relationship and decided to talk about it with my language arts teacher, ms. schiff. she helped me so much, and she was there for me nearly every time I needed to talk about something. she means so much to me as a teacher. the problems in my relationship at this time consisted of communication, lack of time together, and sadness surrounding the two of us. back to my forced future, all I want to do is to just do something art related. become a teacher in a high school or college, or be an online artists taking commissions, just anything. but I can't ever get the future I want. instead in forced to do this predestined medical field bullshit.

nearing the end of junior year is where it got difficult in my relationship. she had insisted on that we see each other less, go on dates less, and to give each other space. all in an effort to aid us in education. but god damnit this was the last thing I wanted. I never EVER wanted this. I never ever longed or wished for this. but I love her so much and I want her to have a better future so I decided to just suck it up. and from this moment on we began to lose the intimacy in our relationship. though it didn't vanish in one day, it waned over the summer vacation.

now in the summer vacation between junior and senior year. we hardly ever see each other, or talk to each other, or even share intimate private moments with each other. I love her so much, and to describe that it hurt to not show affection the same way we used to is a god damn extreme understatement. the intimacy slowly died down. and it was gone before I knew it. the day I realized it, I became extremely depressed. I was slitting my wrists, I was starving myself, I was crying every night. I hated myself for letting this happen. and I still do hate myself.

during I believe august, she goes on a camp trip with her church for an entire week. which meant no communication, no lucero. for a week, when all I wanted to do was talk to her. all I wanted to do was to hug her, hold her, show how much I love her. but I couldn't. and when she came back, she was different. it felt so different. she felt so distant, she felt so uninterested in me, she felt so strange to talk to. and I hated it so so much. all I wanted was to talk to her, I just wanted to have conversations like we used to. and I couldn't even get that. my depression and self harm worsened, and I thought i couldve ended it.

Monday. before the first day of school, I was doing community service with a friend. and I was very excited for school, because I finally get to see her. my love, my demolition lover. Tuesday comes and there's just such a clear disconnect with us. my excited mood self destructs and turns into depression and a mental breakdown. and yet I still had to go to the kaiser volunteering service that I was so forcefully signed up to. upon working there a stranger yells at me while my head was having a war with itself. the moment I get home I break down. harder than ever before.

skip to wednesday/thursday. wednesday was pretty normal and basic. until I get a message from my friend after school asking if I'd like to go to the park with her, and so I asked who's there, and she's there with my other friends and my girlfriend. I don't know why but I'm just so confused and angry and sad that I have no clue why I wasn't invited or even if i should be there. I still show up anyway and keep in mind that it was me and my girlfriend's monthly anniversary. I asked her to come out of the club but she refused and continued to do homework. I get sad and just go home instead, only to find out that she had forgotten that it was our anniversary. it hurt a lot, but I just said its ok, because it's just an anniversary and I didn't want to make her feel bad.

thursday comes and the two of us meet before school to just sit together. Im finally hugging and kissing her just like how I had always wanted, until she says something that broke my heart and honestly hurt so much. and that something was that she didn't want to show public affection anymore, and that she felt uncomfortable showing it. I'm just sad the entire day because it's all I had wanted to do. during lunch I wanted to run up to her and hug her, but then I remember that I can't. so I end up just listening to this song called "want you gone" and sit across from her at the table. she calls my name and says something but am not able to hear her correctly, so she gave up on trying to tell me and continued on laughing and having fun with her friends. skip to after school and I'm staying in the ceramics classroom with a good friend of mine who was trying to distract me from the problems she didn't even know about. and it was at this moment when lucero texted me that she doesn't even feel like she's my girlfriend anymore. and of course me and my over reactive ass starts to panic internally and cry on the inside. now by this time it has been the fourth time she tried to break up with me, and the other three time were for the future beneficial for us. for example the first two attempts were because she knew that she wouldn't have the time to care about me or be able to spend time with me. and I honestly loved her consideration and made me fall in love with her even more. the third time was because she felt like she wasn't good enough, and had wanted me to go find someone else who had the time to spend with me. the dates of when these occurred have left my memory but the most recent is what I obviously remember the most. this time I didn't want her to back out on her desire to breakup with me just because she felt bad for me or she just didn't want to hurt me. so I let her this time. I told her that I'd be okay, and we could breakup temporarily just like she had wanted. but hours later she regrets it and wants to come back to me. and at this moment I told her that I didn't want to (lie) and I had wanted her to stick to her word. this makes her sad and she says "you said you'd fight for me and that you'd do everything for me. I guess you don't love me anymore." and this only makes me so, SO angry. honestly, did she really think that I wanted to create distance, that I wanted to delete intimacy, that I wanted to not show public affection? @#$& no. I tell her all of this and it changes her mind. whether or not she's even remotely concerned as she's too busy, or even she even loves me, or even wants to try in this relationship is beyond my knowledge. however I believe that things are getting better now. the first time in forever she was the one to make plans, and she had wanted to go on a date on Friday. I can't help but be excited, even though excited doesn't quite meet the level of emotion I'm feeling whenever I think about it. but I'm trying my absolute best to balance optimism and the truth to not be completely crushed if it doesn't happen. I really really do want this date to happen but in this relationship? I don't know.

owari desu

[ricardotenorio18]

The Story Of Us Looks Alot Like A Tragedy Now

You will never see that you did wrong, you will never see that i do care, you will never see the way I see things but maybe thats okay. Maybe this night was a lesson for the both of us...no not a lesson a reality check.

You see this story would go better if I told it from the beginning. I never said yes to coming back around before the hospital visit bevause I knew myself and I knew that if I came back I would change my mind and I would want to get back together, so i always saud no. Because in reality yes I do love you but we are two completely different beings that clash. But that day at the hospital I came because I realized I might never get the chance to show you that Yes I am still here. So i went and that didnt go well, but you had me come over afterwards and it was wonderful. Because we were just chilling being us, I enjoyed it because it was what made us US. But you kept making the point that we were just friends and that was a good point, because it was the reality check that we both needed. I left that day and said yes friends we are friends l, you weren't happy but to ke it made sense.

The next time we saw each other at Fred's and we laid down for just a minute and you fell asleep in my arms, I loved it. I loved the feeling of it, which is why I ledt when you fell asleep because that feeling didnt need to grow, it needed to dissappear because we are two people that do nothing but clash.

After leaving I felt myself going back to the way I felt about you from the beginning, I wanted to see you, I wanted to hold you, I wanted to constantly talk to you. So i asked to see you more, i texted more, i held your hand when i could, I got close when I could because it felt good. I was falling for you all over again because i believed you had changed, I believed you had become a sober woman with her head on the right track and wanted things to be different, I believed in you even though you denied it. Which is why I asked you to spend the night with me...I was craving you.

Tonight...You were right it wasnt a mistake, it was a reality check, it brought both of us back to the reasons why it doesnt work for us. We both had our heads so far up in the clouds because we were getting along, making jokes, rnjoying each others presence, but the reality was not there, I hate drugs, I can't stand them and I can't stand what they do to you. But that doesnt concern you which is okay, it really is because im not a huge part of your life. You were my reality check. Yes Im mad that we talked about it prior and you still did it, of course im going to be mad and yes im mad that we didnt get to soend the night together, but it wasn't the worst thing that couldve happend because it saved it from happening later, because I couldve continued to sot here like a fool and think everything is peachy when its really not, I would've figured that out in the ER one night.

You said leave and I did because I was serious when i said I wasnt dealing with the drugs anymore, you said you were clean and I did what you asked, I had faith in you, I believed you. You proved me wrong. But thats okay because it is your life. And chose to leave because you told me too. You said have a nice night and to go, but you didnt think I would, you thought id give in like all the other times, but if I wouldve done that all that is saying is that its okay and that I am okay with it. But im not, I never have been because I love you. Think about that, seriously.

I want to explain my point of view which I have numerous times before but you never seem to understand it and when I say it you take it as me showing that I don't care. If you haven't realized by now that of course i fucking care their is no reason for you to continue reading this, I mean that. Your idea of a person that cares bafalles me, always has, someone who cares about you doesn't watch you harm yourself and say "cool dude" thats a fucking joke. Yes it clearly harms you, you cant deny that. The person that cares about you is the one says dont harm yourself reminds you of the dangers and acts like the little voice in the back of your head, it is there for a reason. But you wont agree so im done with this part because it is truly pointless.

So back to reality. I feel like you gave a test to see how id react and it was the opposite of what you wanted to see but it is exactly what was necessary.

I was falling for you. I was seeing a future, I was blinded by love, I blew off people to see you and I was ready to go for it, but you care about the drugs more and always have and always will choose them over me, gotta admit that you did tonight when i said im ready and you chose to go to amelia instead, and turned a quick trip into 3 hours, couldve completely avoided this but you made the decision you wanted so I cant blame you because like you said in the past you will always choose the drugs over me, its taken me 2 times of trying not to believe it only to be fooled by own self.

Look at the situation from my perspective maybe youll see why this happend maybe you wont. Just feel you shpuld know the truth i was coming back because I gave you the trust and faith you asked for. But your priorities were somewhere else.

To close this. Yes I do love you. Yes i do care. But most importantly YES i see reality and it sucks. We couldve been the dream couple but if it was built on one person accepting all there angers to watch the other die a little more everyday wheres the dream. In the books we dont work, in our heads we are a fairytale, in reality we are a tragedy The story of us looks alot like a tragedy now, but yes I still love you. And I do apologize for that never being enough.

( I dont expect anything from you, I dont expect you to care, I dont expect you to believe me, I dont expect you to understand, I dont expect you to change, I dont expect you to read this, I wrote it to put my feelings out on the table amd give you the respect you asked for, a binus would be if you tried thinkong about what ove said rather than just reading it in anger)

[ellerevelle]

copy paste past journal entry 1

My boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago. I’m deleting old journal entries I furiously scribbled down or typed out on the ‘stickies’ app or ‘notes’ app. But theyre interesting enough to me to not want to delete completely. So I’m copying and pasting them here. Its interesting... we only just broke up, but I wrote this entry in October of 2015. And I referred to the things that I still feel and fear from him to this day. I shouldve known. Even way back then. 

Begin entry-- 

how does it make you feel to think we might never see each other again?

you are an asshole. for deciding my love isnt good enough for you, that i am not worth fighting for, for breaking up with my after my birthday after my mom dies.

think about it. think about how you get to know a person.

you meet, where? at work? in a bar? at a show? through a friend at dinner or something?

you chat with them there. they impress you, how? with a cute joke. by going along with the shit you say. by carrying themselves well. by making small talk you enjoy that you want to see them again and continue it into medium talk then maybe big talk if the chemistry takes you there.

they are attractive.

they are attractive, the easy way.

therefore they are easy to spend time with, the easy way. the "lets go swimming!" way or the "lets see a movie" way or the "lets not get too heavy into dark stuff or pain" way.

you sleep together. its nice. or its hot. or its both. or its neither... all more ways to get to know someone.

Now, think about when it starts to not be easy. Are you still attracted to this person? Have you been "tamed"? Why?

You have gotten to know me through a shit ton of easy stuff. And then I showed you some of my glow. We brought magic out of one another. We made the EFFORT to continue to see one another because we loved each other, loved the feeling of being together. And for me, I wanted to know more about your magic.

Of course I saw your struggles, your difficulties. I noticed the things you brought up more, complained about more. I noticed what annoyed me or red flagged me. Times you were cynical and quick to diss. Quick to opt not to relate or try to understand a different point of view. I remember the time you straight up got out of bed and took a walk around the block in the middle of the night because you were upset with me after watching Pulp Fiction.

And I realize I had a one night stand with someone. And that the timeline doesnt sit well with you.

But lets get into that.

I let someone touch me, yes. Its horrible that I didnt know better, yes. But have I seen him since? No. Did I honestly even enjoy being there? No. Do I respect him? No. Have I let anyone even come close to touching my body since? No.

It was not an emotional affair. It was not a plotted out, planned out, steamy hot romance. It was a bullshit night that I walked away from shaking my head about, judging him. judging myself. But honestly not really judging myself that much. I felt angry because it was a useless night and I shouldve shut it down, but I didnt beat myself up over it because it was over, I handled it, didnt enjoy it, didnt feel conflicted. It was like eating something you werent hungry for but you did because you didnt want to be rude and it was gross but you finished it and then felt fat afterwards so you punished yourself by going to the gym for an extra hour to make up for it.

I know that sex is different for you because you even held on to your KISSES as prized possessions.

But just because I dont do that doesnt make mine worth any less. I know myself. And I feel my heart steadily evolving and a kiss can be anything to me. It isnt JUST the utmost most precious kiss. A kiss can be a throw away. A hug can be a throw away. Its MY decision inside my heart and head and soul to decide what these things mean. If I kiss a perfect stranger I can choose to make it sexy, make it cute. I can choose to trick you. I know how to do that. I know what the moves look like.

But choosing to really mean it. I realize I've put myself in a very challenging position, setting myself up like this. Because how the hell would you be able to tell or believe if I mean it or not. When I'm capable of just giving you the illusion.

But thats where time comes in. Thats where getting to know someone comes in. Thats where you come in.

Because you have let me in from the start. Yes, it was easy. I presented myself as myself but breezier, probably. Because I was. I was on the road, away from home, feeling free. So thats how my soul presented itself. That is my favorite feeling, so I reflected it on the outside. Its like ... when you watch a horse running free and youre in awe and you feel so connected and youre attaching yourself to this animal and its soul that its showing you, but a week later you come by the ranch and the horse is in its stall. or its doing exercises with the ranch hands, around and around and around and it looks disenchanted. Is that not the same horse you were so bewitched by? it is. and You are a jerk for not remembering. Just because its not exactly how you remembered it doesnt mean thats not who it still is. and you are missing out if you walk away, saddened, thinking " i cant watch this, I cant see my horse like that. that is not my horse" and you leave, with that as your last impression. not believing that beautiful creature doesnt of COURSE want to be out in the field. that it doesnt OF COURSE want to feel the same beauty you want it to. OF. FUCKING. COURSE it does.

So dont walk away. Because its a sign that you dont believe it'll ever happen again. its giving up. its saying "bah, why bother". its choosing to do something else to suit yourself instead of sticking it out through uncomfortable or sad bits in order to be a part of something extraordinarily special again.

So.

I was easy to love.

And then I wasnt.

I brought on doubts to you. Issues with long distance. Quiet growing doubts about my unemployment. My motivation.

I should have stood up for myself on that sidewalk.

Because of course I have flaws. You dont think I know that? You dont think I dont already rip myself to shreds in my own head about flaws? The guy talking to me who has gone through depression himself, you cant bring yourself down again can you? youre choosing not to relate because maybe i remind you of yourself? Is that it?

I could just as easily have been embarrassed by you. I just as easily couldve been a gigantic cunt to you. About how youre throwing your time into a job you never talk about growing in. About how you dont have enough time to really make your band the way you want. And subsequently you spend all your day sweating at work and then all your night going to rehearsal and writing songs and then beating the shit out of yourself when neither of these things are fulfilling. your band is only just getting paid. you dont have time to make an internet impact. you dont let people get to know you on stage. what the hell am i sinking my teeth into if i cant even figure out what genre you are. try a different city. try a different crowd. try a different job.

and yet, Have I called you out on any of this? Have I chosen to make any of this about me? any sort of issue to bring up to make you fucking question yourself?

No. Because I have chosen to not consider these things flaws. these things are differences between you and I.

And I could fucking spin it easy as fuck into deep, profound character flaws in you.

But nope. I. LOVE. YOU. and I am making the CHOICE goddamnit to see them as DIFFERENCES and see the bright side of the coin. And make them character TRAITS that make you STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and UNIQUE.

Because I can. It is a strength in me, a choice to stay. A choice to not look for issues to pick apart.

Because you've shown me your glow, your magic. And I choose to see THAT. I choose to believe that those glorious quatlities in you come from struggle, confusion, depression, and they are the current in your river that pulses from the depths. and even if other shit is going on in the more shallow layers, the current is still there. Even if we've both forgotten or gotten bogged down by trivial things, or topical issues, or recent tragedies. Theyre challenges, these distractions. But I choose to know that the current is still the same in you. Its the guiding force.

I absolutely have huge character traits that confuse the hell out of me, and as time goes by its like a glacier ever so slowly carving out the valley that is me. Every so often a wonderful something will come and test you. Your love put an entirely different weight in my mind. You gave me the opportunity to reassess my social definition. I hadnt been able to really tell anyone "I'm seeing someone, sorry". I havent been able to let saying No guide me to more authentic Yes's.

I havent had a job for three years like you. I havent committed to a band like you.

but how dare you asshole stand on a sidewalk with me, saying "whats the last time youve made anything? whents the last time youve created something?"

"what have you done lately"

"what do you even do"

I should have hit you then. I really should have. Because, to me, it wouldve been justified because you threw the first punch. Right in my fucking face, with spit on your knuckles.

Our lives are extremely different and it reflects WAY MORE ON YOU than it does on me that you called me out like that. Fuck you.

It shows me youre afraid of me. It shows me that you think you're better than me, that you'll survive better than me because you think you work harder.

But the difference is I choose what to work on. It is a luxury. I do envy you so often that you have the grit to just work. juuuust work. I havent struggled and it is a missing part in me in that capacity. But. That does NOT mean I havent put myself out on a limb. That does NOT mean I havent tried new things. That does NOT mean I havent had to be creative, to go with less, to be uncomfortable, to be scared.

I am emotionally rich. I am emotionally creative. I am intellectually remarkable. I am adventurous. I have ingenuity. I am sensual. I experience my world, and further more, I go out to find it.

Do not judge me for not settling down in one city like you did. I have been in one place for ten years, made my mark, and am now traveling to see what makes its mark on ME.

I have been alone in countries where I do not know anyone, do not speak the language, and do not know the land. And I know you know this. And I know you probably dont like me for it because you havent or think that you cant.

But I think that you can. Its a choice. Maybe thats also why you dont see this relationship working. Because our idea of possibility is so vastly different.

I can do anything. I am free to do anything. I have chosen to not sink heavy into a job because I placed freedom at a higher priority.

But that does not mean that cant shift and change.

And you met me at a time when that was beginning to change. I lost touch with loving Philly. I was in the throes of realizing the friendships I thought I was making werent fruitful or beneficial. I was remaining unemployed because my family was struggling and I wanted to be able to go home if I had to. Which is something I'm still struggling with because what with Mom and everything, I shouldve gone home a fuck of a lot sooner.

I am struggling with losing my Mother. What I pray to be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to do. You have met me at the most absurd time in my life. Hopefully.

But, at least at the beginning, you chose to love me anyway. You chose to see my potential, see what I love about MYSELF. I was so excited you were seeing me as me, not as some random female body wandering around Philadelphia.

You listened to the words that were coming out of my mouth so I wanted to make them great ones. I wanted you to know ME. And you did, through spectacular magical ups, and then earth shatteringly painful lows.

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT COMES QUICKLY. I defy you to go fall in love with someone and see down the line that she's gonna come with her own set of flaws that will especially show themselves in times of trouble, anguish, and tragedy. And then you'll get to choose again, whether theyre worth sticking it out through. Whether theyre worth getting over. Whether her shine is something you believe in enough to sit the storm through with. To get hit with some lightning bolts because you know the sun's on the other side. Because you know she WANTS to shine for you. She wants to warm your heart. She wants to, even after her own world falls apart, to still help you heal yours.

That is what I am. That is how I feel. Because I am beautiful and I am fucked up and I am worth it.

And you are beautiful and you are fucked up and you are worth it.

But you have to know that bailing doesnt really make me feel super great.

It instills the defense mantra "Why should I fight for him if he doesnt fight for me?"

Which I'm sure you'd combat with "that is toxic and immature"

but we're all cavemen, (name omitted).

Its a basic choice. If anything, you'll go through phases of thinking everything has to be more elegant and complicated and elevated. But then you'll get old again and realize nope. nah.

Just love. Juuuuust love. Just shut up. Shut the fuck up and relax and feel it.

So the scary part about that though is what if you shut up and relax and then realize you dont love me... That you did and you wont forget but right now you simply dont and its over. Over enough to never return.

That parts the sucky part. But I'd rather know than not.

Because all of this cold shoulder stuff, or acting like you barely know me, not allowing any warm inflection in your voice when we speak, that versus the sigh, THAT sigh when you look at me and there are no words. you look in my eyes and your breath cant come out as just a normal exhale, it has to sigh its way out. and then you hold me so tightly against your body. Or when you let your guard down as my friend and we giggle and laugh and theres magic there that comes with holding someones hand without thinking about it. as effortless as blinking. you reach out and touch because its what youre meant to do. The up and down, hot and cold, barely talk then sweep me off my feet with expressions of wanting to grow old together. I cant handle the contrast. Because I want the latter, and when I get the former it feels like you hate me. Like youre teasing me. Like torture.  I wish I knew what you wanted. Then again you've already said you want space and time for yourself and that you cant love me with all this negativity. WELP BUSTER how about the fact that i'm still loving you despite the fact that youre doing this to me. that youre (in my opinion) irrationally angry at me for allowing flirtateous text messages to occur even though youre a zillion miles away and i have just lost the number one love in my life, My Mom. Youve got no interest in letting me fix that mistake. and then you bring up my one night stand that happened before all that. and i try to explain its insignificance. and that I CHOOSE TO SHARE MYSELF WITH YOU. MY WHOLE SELF. and the only way to continue to grow is to keep going forward and trying but it sounds like you dont want me to try. I know youre angry but I want you to have my fucking magic. No other idiot deserves it. Just one idiot. You.  

But yet you throw me under the bus ( about depression, about flirting, about not having a job)  instead of considering that my heart is broken and I'm still standing. Instead of considering softness and forgiveness and genuinely helping, you're scared and protecting yourself.

And you say YOU cant give me YOUR heart because of too much negativity?!?    I COULD JUST AS EASILY SAY THE SAME GOD DAMN THING ABOUT YOU.

I shouldve stood up for myself on that fucking sidewalk. I should've slapped you across your goddamn face. You know why I chose to let you be right, though? Because I was afraid if I was mean or harsh or fought back you wouldnt like it and you'd doubt yourself or itd hurt you. And instead of considering hurting you more or trying to make you the one in the wrong, I took it. I took it. I took your fucking emotional shame fest, let you smush me into the dirt. Because if you felt hurt by something I retorted with, what if you left? What if you really really left?  But at least I figured if I was 100% in the wrong then I could fight back and work my way back up. I didnt want you to think I was mad at you because often it seems like if you think I'm mad at you, you walk away or leave or get quiet because you think its what I want.   Even in bed, you'd ask me if i was okay and I said no so you rubbed my back and then soon after went to be closer to me or something and I shrugged or made some implication you took to mean "no" , so you rolled to the furthest reaches of the bed away from me. As if that was doing me a favor. When in fact its the complete opposite.

Which, again you'll retort by saying that i'm immature and its toxic la la la. All I want is you to reach out to me. To touch me. To speak to me. To say something. To show you care. That you think this is worth it. I

ts not something I'll need 100% forever. But I just went through the toughest shit ever losing my goddamn Mother so yea. Forgive me for needing some extra.

Forgive me for needing some extra attention and reassurance and if it doesnt come through from you I texted a friend and it came through from them. And I'm sorry. I know you think you dont have enough to go around right now. For work, for music, for yourself, for your social life, then for me. I'm another "project" as you so sweetly fucking put it that night. In the coldest voice ever. Beautiful golden brown eyes turned black with arms crossed.

It really is a challenge choosing to stay with someone who handles this situation the way you are. That discussion after sushi was unwarrantedly harsh and cold. I committed a human sin but I showed up to try and fix it. I dont think you give a fuck about trying to fix my opinion of you now. You are a cynical prick. Acting indifferent and blowing me off.  

texting me basic shit about your weekend plans, and i try to be enthusiastic but i feel like whenever i'm out or doing something and tell you about it, i always include "it'd be better if you were here" because thats how I feel. and I wonder if you ever feel that.

Your indifference gives me nothing to read from, nothing to glean warmth from. If I cant tell that you care, I'll assume that you dont. And I'll teach myself to not need it. I'll move forward.

How does it make you feel to think you'll never see me again?

Of course I'm still magic on my own.

Of course I know you'll be fine

I've just never had anything like this

and I'm not even close to interested in letting it go without a fight.

And it makes me sick thinking you are.

"you think your love for me is unhealthy" and i want to know why

i know youre looking into yourself and want time for yourself after jessica

but you didnt have to pursue me. if you didnt want it, if you wanted to focus on yourself you didnt have to pursue me. but you did.

Dont do anything youre going to regret. I am dissapointed at what I've learned about you from this. But it doesnt beat what I already knew, what I already loved. And I'm willing and interested in working it through. Because I’m beautiful, and I’m fucked up, and we’re worth it. 

[alittlehopealittlesmile-blog]

Depression settles.

   I don’t like to talk about this stuff, because i’m so tired of everyone acting like I’m always so depressed. I’m not always so depressed... I get depressed when things happen in my life that cause emotional pain or truama. But honestly, most of the time. I’m just unattached emotionally because i’ve been hurt to that point. But i’m not being one sided. And I understand It was probably the same for you. But I just need to get this out there.

      My whole life (until i turned 14), ever since I was a child. The only friend I had was my mom. The only person who ever did anything for me was my mom. I didn’t have nice things, a rich family, or anything like that. I lived everyday. I was abused, I went through a lot. But i mean, it comes to the simple thing of, everything in my life hurt me so bad and made me so miserable, before I even could understand the concept of death, at the age of 6-7, I attempted suicide for the first time. I ate an entire bottle of pills. And this feeling NEVER went away. Everyday, i cried. Everyday all i did was sleep because I was so sad. Everyday I felt so abandoned because after that, my mom took me to a mental institute and we never weere the same again.

     I went through this feeling of manic depression for most of my life. Until I just lost contact with my emotions all together. Then one day, after years of sadness. I found one person. Who completely pulled my out of the darkness. She saved me. She killed me. But if it wasn’t for her. I wouldn’t be here today. If it wasn’t for her, I would have never felt love, I would have never wore a smile, I would never have understand what it was like to actually be cared about and someone actually mean it. To me, it was and is the most greatest thing Ive ever had. And every single day, I look around, I walk to work, I always sit and ponder about her. I sit and think and think... i never really went anywhere because I spend everyday trying to recreate the best day of my life, the day I met you. Everytime I go to my moms house, I just look into our old bedroom window and the only thought that comes to my mind is, “that’s where we fell inlove... Thats where I lost my home...”

     Everytime I’m at work, i stare at the bar next to the drinks just thinking to myself, “maybe she might be there”... I know you never are, I know im kind of crazy for having thoughts like this, but really. I’m crazy about you. There isn’t a day that goes by that i ever regretted you. Because yes, you hurt me so much more than anyone ever could in my entire life, but you also made me happier than anyone else in my entire life. But i guess thats karma, duality. When it rains its a rainbow, but after the rainbow, it rains again. Duality. 

      I’m really depressed about it, yeah i’m okay. Yeah i’ll be okay. But you know it isn’t okay that this happened. I’m not okay that I don’t feel like I’m enough anymore. I mean, i’ve grown up so fucking much. I still smoked weed, probably will still smoke weed eventually. I drank but not to get drunk. I just didn’t want to leave joeys, because this is the last place we were together. And i never want to let that go. I never want to let you go or our memories. Because, with out those. With out you. I’m a lost boy who can’t find his way home. But I mean, I’ve worked so hard. I kept my job, still have my job. I’m getting everything back on track with my medical and foodstamps, for fucks sake. I’m even going to counseling to get meds for my bipolar and I HATE TAKING MEDS. But I don’t care about any of that. I care about being okay again. 

    The past, our past. Yes it was a roller coaster. I understand why you would not love me like that anymore. I understand why you say were toxic. But were not really toxic at all. Not anymore. I’m not even the same tyler as I was back then. I grew up a lot. You just didn’t stay long enough to find that out. You always come back, tell me to get my shit together, then leave and act like I think i want to lose all the memories we just created, like I want break away,and I dont. You’re the only thing in my life I ever wanted to be permanent. Still though, every waking second of everyday, I wish I could spend in your arms. Every night, I wish I could still kiss you in your sleep and tell you its okay when your having bad dreams. 

 I keep telling myself though. if i don’t ever change how I feel, I’m always going to be hurt. I could save money. I could fix everything in my life. I mean, shit I got a job. All I have to do it keep it. But I mean, you want it right now... or you cant be with me? I don’t do drugs. I would have stopped drinking if you said you didnt want me to. I just thought it was okay because I was completely in control of myself because I didn’t get drunk... I want you as bad as ever and always will. And everyday i’m going to love you more and more. And I can’t help that. I just need you to understand this stuff. Because like god damn, you mean so much to me. I want you. I want to love you forever. But I don’t want to if you’ll just leave.... 

   But this post, among all the others. Just to clear the air. Too be 100% honest, I love you to the point I’d take you back over and over and over and over again. And completely destroy myself all for the hope of that forever we promised each other. I’m sorry for the things I did to you, I was still growing up... and thats not that easy when youre super bipolar and drinking all the time. Which i am and im not. But after you left last time, moved out of state, and i really thought I would never ever ever eveer see you again. I comepletely broke. I was so broken, i couldnt do anything. Anything at all. I’m just saying, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did. And all i want is your forgiveness,. I want you back to build with you. I don’t care if you do cid, or what you do. I really don’t anymore, I just don’t want to do it. Id smoke weed, but thats all. And cigs probably (them fuckers are hard to quit, especially when youre as stressed as I am right now). I’m just saying, i wouldnt get mad at you for anything, only either dissapointed or id be supportive. One or the other but I wouldnt ever get mad at you. 

    Anyways... I’m still going to do good. With or with out you. But i keep typing all of these words. Making all of these posts, because I know thats a lie. I just dont want you to know how depressed I really am this time. Because too be honest, I’ve never been this bad. I havent showered literally all week, or brushed my teeth, I hardly sleep (all i do is re read these posts), I don’t eat. At all, thats a big no no. Everytime i do, i take one bite and im sick. I havent changed, I sleep outside sometimes just because I can’t take it here with these thoughts of you sometimes. I’m not cutting, or going to kill myself. I’m going to continue to try. And i’m going to stay sober, but I just wanted you to know. All of the things you have done. I forgave... I want us to do good together. I know i’m not in the greatest position to do good. But After I lost the apartment. I did exactly what you had to do when you left.. I left the apartment. I honestly couldve kept it, i couldve paid it off. But i didn’t because I was so torn. I took myself to the streets. but my point is... I know anything is possible if you make it possible.... if *you* let it be possible. Idk. Im broken the fuck up and need time. But I would try over and over again with you... And honestly, all i wanted from you after you left, was for you to come back, take this heart pillow, and give me a hug... just one hug.... nothing had to be discussed, or talked about, you didn’t even have to stay a whole 2 minutes.... but it would have made me feel so much better than I do now. Thats all i wanted. was a hug.... Iloveyoutodeath. always will. Even though it hurts so much sometimes i wish i didnt, you took half of my heart... and my heart wont take it back. Iloveyousomuch and i miss you more than anything. Be safe.