#this has been bothering me for eons lmao

[angeltannis]

This is petty and irrelevant but that’s what tumblr’s for so you’re gonna hear it. I’m still annoyed that they wasted the chance to give Lor Borderlands a cool new name instead of just shortening his deadname with zero thought put into it. In my fic verse he was gonna be Leo. If they wanted to stick hard and fast to BL’s Greek names theme it coulda been short for Leonidas. That also would have been fitting for a character who rallied his people to fight back against an invasion. I understand gamers are not an intelligent people but I think they could have figured out that it was the same character without having to maintain part of his extremely feminine deadname.

[silverflqmes]

໒⦂ 𝐒𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄 𝐇𝐂𝐒.

notes. hi queen here are your slice of life headcanons with iwa-chan, let’s see how good of a boyfie he can be based on the amounts of sol anime i’ve seen..

genre. fluff

for @melukonova <3

hajime iwaizumi x gn!reader.

⌗ walks with you every morning to school because you live in the same neighborhood as he does — so why not go together?

⌗ knew each other from young and through your parents so you kinda grew up together over the years and just stayed really close

⌗ study sessions at each other’s homes are a usual since you each have your strengths at school and wish to help each other to slay those exams later on🤞

⌗ supermarketing together ( yes, yes this was coming, don’t be surprised ) is less boring than going alone, right? especially when you beg him to let you sit in the cart and push you down the many aisles before a stock merchandiser gives you a dirty look

⌗ iwaizumi apologizes for your clownery and takes responsibility

⌗ after an eventful shopping session, you carry the bags together home ( he has the heavier ones and the majority of your own bags )

⌗ there were times where the clerks didn’t double bag and the ones containing produce tore..

⌗ cue you both running down a hill to grab the tomatoes that fell out

⌗ one time oikawa saw and laughed his ass off before gracing you with his assistance

⌗ just like you walk to school together, you also walk home together; iwa doesn’t want you walking alone at night since club activities drag sometimes, so he waits for you or you wait for him

⌗ you guys have a lot of classes together and are deskmates ( yay ), so it’s usually his job to prevent you from nodding off in classes or smacking your head down all together on the table..

⌗ miscommunications aren’t often since you guys have known each other for what feels like eons.. but there was this one time.

⌗ iwaizumi received a letter and it brought a bitterness to your heart as you watched a girl smiling giddily at him

⌗ did she have a thing for him? was it a letter confessing her feelings for him? not that you cared, of course — he was your best friend, nothing more than that

⌗ but was he really?

⌗ after the letter incident, you became a bit distant from iwaizumi, trying to avoid him as best as you can — making excuses to not go to school with him in the morning or return home with him

⌗ until oikawa, that is

⌗ “ah, y/n-chan! i finally caught you! it’s almost impossible to find you anymore, given you haven’t been around iwa-chan..” he’d trail off purposely before sliding his eyes to yours. “is there a reason for that, perhaps?”

⌗ of course he notices.

⌗ “i figured he was busy, so i didn’t wanna bother him..” you’d mumble back to him, avoiding his gaze. part of you felt ashamed that you had been avoiding hajime as you were, but you couldn’t bear to know how things had gone with that letter he was given.

⌗ a hum would leave tooru’s lips before he fished something out of his pocket, holding it up. “does this thing ring a bell, perhaps?”

⌗ and low be hold ( is that how you spell that lmao ), the letter hajime was given.. and tooru had it.

⌗ “a lot of my admirers like to give iwa-chan love letters addressed to me, and that one i assume you saw that day, was also for me.”

⌗ now, you felt like an idiot. of course it was for tooru — hajime was his best friend! he dealt with that bullshit all the time, and yet the one time you witness it.. you freeze up thinking it was for him.

⌗ “um, okay.. why are you telling me this again?”

⌗ “go to the courtyard and see for yourself!” would be his parting words as he leaves with a wink before returning to his classroom.

⌗ weird.

⌗ but you would go, anyway. tooru didn’t say things without purpose, or some kinda motive behind his words — it was just like him

⌗ as you arrive outside, you find hajime sitting under a sakura tree, and you think to yourself of the irony behind that sight, the cliche of it

⌗ he’s staring off into the rustling trees while you approach him carefully before sliding down on the tree, opposite from the side he was leaning against

⌗ “hey.”

⌗ “hey..” you would mumble back before letting out a breath. “i guess i have some explaining to do, don’t i?”

⌗ and so you tell everything you’d concluded after your encounter in the hall with tooru

⌗ long before you would connect the dots, hajime will have done so just by the changes in your expressions

⌗ you liked him. he didn’t think you ever would, considering how good you guys are as friends — but he could tell that you felt the same way as he did.. just that you hadn’t acknowledged it yet or realized for yourself

⌗ that brings up a new question. “riddle me this, if the letter was in fact for me, how would you have felt?”

⌗ pause. what? a who now?

⌗ “it would be weird to see you with someone else.” you finally answered, raising a brow. “why? did someone confess to you?”

⌗ a laugh left his lips as he shook his head. “no y/n, i was not confessed to, i’m just testing something.” he answered truthfully, quieting his laughter. “you said it was weird for you to see me with someone else. why is that?”

⌗ your hands felt clammy. why was he asking so many questions all of the sudden? and why so many regarding how you feel? it’s not like you could explain — even you didn’t understand!

⌗ “because it just- is!” you would blurt in defense, becoming increasingly more flustered with his inquiries. what were you, a criminal? was it a crime to feel a certain way without explanation?

⌗ and then he would shift around the tree to see your face, noting the way you covered your cheeks.

⌗ you gave away so much without even knowing what you were doing

⌗ “okay.” he would begin, letting out a breath. “so what if it was you being with me?” he asked after a moment to think — to phrase it right, as he moved to be in front of you, kneeled on the grass. “what if you were with me, how would that make you feel?”

⌗ you, with hajime? that.. wasn’t something you considered. maybe one time you thought of making a pact to get married when you both reached your forties — but other than that..

⌗ “i don’t know- i haven’t.. thought of it.” why were you so nervous now? the morning breeze made it brisk — why were you feeling all warm?

⌗ “well, then what do you think now if i asked you out, to be with me?” to be more than my best friend, he wanted to add.

⌗ and you were starstruck, completely shocked by the question because hajime, of all people, the least likely to ask this of you, is asking it.. right this second, in front of you.

⌗ no letter needed

⌗ and who were you to refuse when you wanted to be with him, too.

notes. i sped through this with one working braincell so i’m not sure how good this is.. but i hope it fulfills your needs of a slice of life iwa-chan :’)

↳ return to main masterlist . request rules . send an ask

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

Ever since I saw that you like zhongtham... the idea has been living rent free on my head, thanks for build this roman empire in my brain lmao so...... TELL ME MORE, what are your thoughts on their relationship? how the people around them react to their relationship??

(of course, only if you want to, I hope you have a nice day!!)

oh god

ultimately i think what they both need is understanding? in the sense that- both have very specific experiences in their day-to-day lives that aren't exactly the common shared experience between most other people. zhongli is a fucking eons-long being and alhaitham is not neurotypical. like he's autistic, idk how else we want to put it, that's what he is. zhongli, meanwhile, by virtue of not being a human and not having a strictly human way of processing the world, cannot be autistic since- again, not human. but this does make him autistic-coded, if that makes any sense. my man despises slimy foods on the basis of the texture (yes, this comes from trauma, but what bothers him is still the texture. that's coding). he's not human so he has different sensory experiences, probably more acute than humans. he's been described as a blockhead. he seems like he'd have a very specific routine he follows. he's very exacting on his field of expertise. the whole 'haha no mora no wallet' situation comes from the fact that his brain is still logically thinking he can just make mora (which, given everything, is a perfectly valid thing to still be hung up on), and so he forgets his money because his mind insists the way of the world is that he can just make it - but he can't anymore, and for an arbitrary reason, too. he's the literal god of contracts: what are contracts if not a parameter of very logical pre-established rules you have to follow? and he doesn't bend on those contracts, because he's of the mindset that if you made them in the first place, you knew what you were getting into, so what's the problem. all combined, and added with the fact that he's not human, and you cannot call him neurotypical. because he just does not function to match human standards of what 'neurotypical' even is.

so like- we don't know that they've met in canon, but we have decent reason to believe it's a very real possibility. the same way you could say gaming and ganyu have probably either met or seen each other at least once despite neither ever mentioning the other or appearing together on screen, because- well, he handles a delivery agency, she works for the qixing, they live in the same city, they're both familiar with cloud retainer, ganyu moves around a lot and knows a lot of people, and gaming seems pretty social. you get what i mean, right? in that same sense, i think it's perfectly possible for alhaitham and zhongli to have met at some point. granted nowhere near as probable as two people actually living in the same city, but notable enough nonetheless: alhaitham knows twenty languages, for that quota to exist i have to assume that each nation has at least their own unique language (since they all seem to speak the same thing in-game, tho, i can only translate that as all nations having their unique writing script- which they do). idk how many languages you could pull out of regional dialects in teyvat, but the most logical and easiest and obvious thing to do here if you were told to go learn 20 languages to graduate is to first go for the main most spoken languages and then fill in the gaps w regional dialects or more obscure no-longer-spoken ancient dialects. so we stand to reason alhaitham must know liyuean (?) right? and unless he learned it from within the confines of sumeru (which is possible tbf), then he must've traveled to liyue in order to learn the damn language. with liyue having quite the decently-preserved history, he might've picked other regional dialects up since they'd be easier to study next to like- idk, an obscure old language from mondstadt or smth. so if you're a student in liyue on a quest for knowledge trying to learn the language and possibly other obscure dialects, who are you going to go after? fellow scholars. what do all fucking scholars in liyue do when people have highly-specific needs and questions? point to fucking zhongli. so you get where the idea comes from. you can't tell me its completely implausible (for a headcanon) for zhongli and alhaitham to have met at some point, not the same way i'd raise eyebrows at like- headcanoning candace and zhongli having met based solely on in-game info. or- ei and sigewinne. y'know?

so like- alhaitham needs to learn liyuean (+ maybe other regional dialects bc 20 sounds like quite a lot for 7 nations, 8 if you count khaenri'ah), he goes to liyue, he gets to learning and then runs into the roadblock of not many scholars being familiar enough with ancient dialects for him to become fluent in them from their input alone, so the scholars are like 'yeah dw we know a guy, he's super knowledgable' and so they point him to zhongli, zhongli is like 'yea sure i can teach you, what do you need?'. idk how long it'd take alhaitham to learn liyuean (+ whatever else), but i'd assume he'd bunker down in liyue for most of that time. so let's say like- 6 months, and it counts as like a 'foreign languages' course where haravatat students get given money and are shipped off to learn (bear in mind 6 months sounds like stupid little to become fluent in an entire language let alone possibly a few others, but we'll just assume alhaitham is a prodigy (he seems to be) + since it's not a whole language and just a script, then it can be done).

so he stays in liyue for a while. i'd guess learning from zhongli most of that while. they're two guys who like peace and quiet and reading and investigating and they're both rather knowledgable (the gap is obviously abyssmal but still). you can imagine them just- going to a tea house and sitting down with tea for hours on end in amiable silence and quiet grammar exercises. i cannot see them not getting along. alhaitham is practical and so is zhongli, zhongli has a lot to say but it's always with purpose and informative and for a reason, and alhaitham is just happy to absorb knowledge. alhaitham is effective and to the point and zhongli (a battle general) would probably be perfectly happy rolling with it and being effective and to the point in turn. maybe they start having lunch together some days (zhongli does seem to do that with acquaintances a lot so it's not strange of him) and alhaitham just doesn't want any stewy soups and zhongli doesn't question it bc he's the one asking chef mao to dice and slice his fish into oblivion. sumeru is big on spices so alhaitham would probably have no problems whatsoever w the jueyun chilli. he'd also probably pick up on using chopsticks easily enough bc he's a perfectionist. zhongli would realise like two seconds into their introductions that alhaitham can hear him perfectly loud and clear w the headgear on and never bother commenting on it at all. alhaitham would also probably clock zhongli's more acute senses two seconds in and be relieved he doesn't have to raise his voice around people for no reason all the time. catch the patrons at the tea houses being confused and mildly unsettled by the two guys on the corner table just mumbling stuff to the other with a pile of books between them lmao

i cannot see their relationship being like- exciting in the sense that big shocking things happen. i just think they're both too smart and good at communicating w each other that shit like that just wouldn't catch them off guard. alhaitham would probably hear about legends of the adepti throughout his stay in liyue and quietly figure mr zhongli might be an adeptus but never bother saying anything because why should he care about what mr zhongli is? it's not his business, and it doesn't make him not-mr zhongli. so it's whatever. i also don't think any drama would pop up 🤷‍♂️ again they're too smart and hypercompetent for any misunderstandings to appear. by virtue of both of them being non-neurotypical they'd also understand each other in particular ways, so they'd easily be able to figure out any stuff and sand off any rough edges. it wouldn't be an exciting ship, it wouldn't be a ship full of ups and downs and drama and twists and turns and spice and oh the romance of it all. they both strike me as ace af and if not aro then absolutely somewhere in the spectrum, alhaitham more than zhongli.

but i'm an absolute sucker for non-verbal comunication and quiet understanding and an almost telepathic camraderie that would be so funny from the outside so i just think they'd be a delight. like the perfect team. they get each other, they're both smart, they're both strong (again, the gap is abyssmal). absolute academic weapons the both of them. catch someone being an ass about a contract and zhongli just staring disappointed and alhaitham next to him equally disappointed but listing off every single reason why they're being stupid about it also. zhongli's a bit too nice to say any of that stuff aloud but you can't tell me he wasn't running a constant 'chat are you seeing this shit?' in his head during his first story quest w kliment. alhaitham knows he's already got the 'freak' reputation so he just goes 'well if you want to keep digging i'm happy to hand you a shovel'.

as for other characters' reactions to them- i'd have to sit and think about them? idk how the liyue gang would react bc idk how they'd work in a canon setting? i can't see zhongli leaving liyue and i can't see alhaitham leaving sumeru either. if i had to pick one, alhaitham seems more likely for like- leave sumeru for plot reasons. and then go 'okay fuck this' and go to zhongli like 'you're the only bitch i respect in this house'. but outside of plot contrivances, hu tao does send zhongli off on random errands? so maybe he could pop up in sumeru from time to time. idk how the liyue gang would get to meet alhaitham then but if there is one character that absolutely gets to meet zhongli is kaveh bc the man is almost everywhere alhaitham is + they literally live together.

i think it would be fucking hilarious. like alhaitham: oh yeah a friend is coming over btw. don't be weird about it kaveh: why would i be weird about it what are you on kaveh: ... kaveh: ... kaveh: a what alhaitham: a friend kaveh: what alhaitham: i don't think the bimarstan is open at this hour if you got something in your ear kaveh: what friend kaveh: you don't have friends kaveh: ...you can just say nilou alhaitham: ??? zhongli: hello kaveh: who- what. what- who are you alhaitham: a friend from liyue. the one i said was coming over. like five minutes ago kaveh: what zhongli: is he alright alhaitham: he's never been alright, dw about him. the study is this way

[demcnsinmymind]

⭐️ ― convincing portrayal of a canon character

💻 ― excellent writing

🐝  *  ―  𝑺𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑻-𝑶𝑼𝑻𝑺 𝑶𝑭 𝑨𝑾𝑬𝑺𝑶𝑴𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑺𝑺.  (  send in one or more of these symbols for me to pick one blogor multiple i wanna shout out that i think fit well into the category. explanations optional.  ) | OPEN!

⭐️ ― convincing portrayal of a canon character

(looking through my following list I notice that I don't follow many canons lmao)

You obv. Seriously, I love how you don't shy away from the fact that Klaus is a terrible asshole, can and will be a ruthless monster who's not exactly right in the head. You don't soften the character and improve on things that canon messed up and that honestly make more sense in your divergences, and I think that's awesome!

@walriding and @mslangermann it's been eons since I played the Outlast games and don't remember every last canon fact in detail, but the care, lore, headcanons, aesthetics and just overall vibe that those two have put in their characters is just top notch and all I accept as canon, honestly haha. Just the way they keep true to the worlds and characters while adding to them so much is just *chef's kiss* @thatslayer Because boy can you just hear Faith in that writing. Keeps me and the boy completely on our toes and unable to anticipate what comes next but all in the best way. Also the sheer amount of years, writing and effort and love that has been put into Faith, just...admirable! @bitchheroine For also staying true to canon Meg while greatly adding to the general vibe and depth of the character, be that with sheer badassery and vulnerability. You see this Meg and you just want to hang out with her in a bar and chat about both the 'good side' and the 'bad side' kinda being shit birds, while also being aware of the danger she can pose, just like in canon. Also bonus points for being so friendly and excited about our threads OOC! Just a joy to see on the dash.

@innerwar couldn't ever forget to put Tommy on here. I'm not much one for following multimuses most of the time, but we've been going back years now, and it's honestly just such a joy to see how much love and attention to detail the vast selection of canons get here! Really don't know how he pulls it off to stay so faithful to so many canons at once, but this blog got it going!

💻 ― excellent writing

@shellcrack just writes me into a corner each time I get a reply. Just the way the visuals, scenes, and headspaces are set is so beautiful and tangable. And the general lore, vibe and idea behind the character really comes through in the replies, absolutely amazing.

same goes for @sprnkles - especially with the focus on how different each character is, it really shines through in every reply, the way the characters think and speak is so distinct and unique, constantly floored by that writing! Entirely beautiful.

@kxllerblond I can hear and see the monotone mildly bothered boredom in that writing, and I don't mean that in a negative way, but as praise. The way each reply and writing is just ...so Clark and representative of all the lore and care that has been put into this character is just crazy. I also can never appreciate enough how arachno manages to say twice as much with much more elegance in half the word count compared to me haha

tbh basically just all of my mutuals haha

[zombtropolis-central]

Pre-amble: I sometimes make character mods for Don’t Starve Together, I’ve made two so far based on my OCs, and because PvZ still occupies my tiny pea-brain I’ve been considering making one for Super Brains (and maybe Zomboss, if I can figure out how to draw his wack-ass head) so have my rambling thoughts on how such a mod would work. None of this is going to make sense if you’ve never played Don’t Starve or Plants vs Zombies.

If I did make a mod for ol Supes the hardest part aside from figuring out if I should go through the trouble of adding his cape in some fashion would be writing his dialogue. My most hated part of the mod creation process is making custom dialogue in the speech file because: A) Making a full unique speech file with unique dialogue takes forever because every item in the game can be inspected with something that character has to say about said item. Most character mods don’t bother and either directly lift another character’s speech file (usually Wilson’s) and edit it here and there. I’ve done that, and it still takes what feels like an eon; and while you can get rid of some strings (like I get rid of the ‘Gorge’ and ‘Forge’ strings because those are events you can’t play now without mods so why bother keeping them) you’re gonna wanna keep most of them. B) DST is a game that’s still getting updates that add new content, so you’re gonna have to update that adds new content (said this in a DS server i’m in, but every time a new update comes in I groan because that means I have to update my mods’ speech files) Dialogue would be tricky because the only time Super Brains has really exhibited a personality was in the GW adaptation comic where he only briefly showed up near the end, and since I don’t have access to any newer comics, I don’t know if he’s a regular character in the comic series after the GW adaptation, so writing dialogue for him would be a chore. (I suppose I could lean into how his wiki says he believes he’s in an 80s action movie all the time, similar to how Wigifrid is always acting like she’s in a stage play? I dunno)

As for how he would play and what quirks he’d have:

He’s similar to pre-refresh Wolfgang where he’s a high damage dealer who needs a lot of food to be strong (I hope the way to code that in is easy, if I can’t figure it out I’ll merely give him 2x damage with a fast hunger drain)

Can eat monster foods without penalty similar to Webber (sadly can’t code in brains)

Doesn’t lose sanity during the evening and night as a creature accustomed to darkness. (no night vision though)

Like Wortox and Webber, Super Brains is considered a monster, as a walking talking corpse should be, and will be attacked by Pigs, Bunnymen, and Catcoons.

Now why consider making a mod like this?

A) PvZ brainrot. I could just stop there if I wanted to, honestly.

B) I’ve been teaching myself coding, and doing a mod without using the ‘Extended Sample Character’ would be a nice exercize.

C) A lot of character mods in DST aren’t weird enough. Not knocking these people (I know a lot of these people are beginners like me who just wanna play as their OCs) but so many of the character mods use the same body shape and after a while they all kind blend in to me. (doesn’t help 75% of them are anime characters) So I was like “Welp, might as well get weird with it.”

If I do make the mod maybe I’ll post it to the workshop. I dunno if there’s a lot of PvZ fans who are also DST players. But yeah, autistic brain dump over, i dont expect this to get any notes lmao. I’m going to bed now.

[lassieposting]

Does Lucifer have ptsd? I remember that a cast member said that S5 Lucifer would have it but I haven’t seen it yet, unless they mean after God shows up. Which I think is possible considering Lucifer’s reactions towards his mother.

Okay so, I am not a psychologist and can only really speak to my own experience with certain aspects of PTSD, so I’m gonna use the symptom criteria given by the mental health charity Mind, which goes thusly: 

Reliving aspects of what happened

This can include : 

vivid flashbacks - we’ve seen Lucifer have one of these, when he Goddess reveals that Chloe is a miracle. 

intrusive thoughts or images - his constant fear that his dad is controlling/targeting/manipulating him probably qualifies

intense distress at real or symbolic reminders of the trauma - Lucifer gets very upset and stressed about how humanity sees him and that his father essentially vilified him for eternity as well as throwing him into hell

Alertness and feeling on edge

This can include: 

hypervigilance - there’s a screenshot of Linda’s file for Lucifer that mentions he feels “paralyzed” struggles to relax because he feels like he’s being watched constantly by God. 

lack of sleep or disturbed sleep - the same screenshot mentions sleep issues and that he can, presumably, lay awake worrying “for hours before falling asleep” (apparently he’s also iron-deficient, which...probably ties in with the fact that hell doesn’t get a lot of sunlight)

being easily upset or angry - just look at how upset he gets whenever someone says “the devil made me do it”

avoiding feelings or memories

which includes: 

avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma - see: repeated, messy amateur-hour wing amputation because he can’t stand to be reminded of what he was/what he lost or to be linked to his father again

feeling emotionally numb or cut off from your feelings - the man hasn’t emotionally matured in billions of years

self-destructive or reckless tendencies - i mean. lucifer’s self-destructive spirals are legendary. like the time he tried to goad that rookie into shooting him, or the time he stood in front of a sniper and begged him to shoot and nobody ever mentioned it again

inability to express affection - he can’t tell chloe he loves her. if he says it out loud, it makes it real, and she becomes something his father can take away from him and know it will hurt him. as long as he doesn’t say it, he’s got some plausible deniability, he can pretend he doesn’t care. also, while he’s getting a lot better about it, early seasons lucifer clearly doesn’t understand nonsexual physical affection (i.e. being hugged) and his attempts to express affection to chloe are often mistimed, inappropriate or bizarre. this is a man who’s grown up in a completely loveless environment. he didn’t know how to love or be loved. humanity had to teach him. 

alcohol and drug use - lmao. “Only if you call ingesting millions of dollars worth of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday.”

difficult beliefs or feelings

which includes: 

feeling like you can’t trust anyone - his reaction to chloe’s betrayal in 1x13, when she tries to arrest him. it’s been a while since I watched the ep, but he says something like “The one person I trusted - you - I thought you were different. I was wrong.”

feeling like nowhere is safe - again, that screenshot. he thinks he’s being watched All The Time. his own family has repeatedly tried to kill him. he’s never been allowed to feel safe on earth before because he was always trying to outrun amenadiel showing up to drag him back to hell. him choosing to stay and make los angeles his home - and then fighting for it when lux was at risk of being demolished - was a huge step for him.

feeling like nobody understands - he’s outright said this to chloe and linda a few times. “why bother [talking to chloe about his problems]? you won’t believe me anyway, you think everything i say is a metaphor.” and the “how can you possibly presume to know god’s intentions? stick within the limits of your own intellectual capacity” conversation

there’s also complex ptsd (c-ptsd), wherein sufferers experience ptsd symptoms as well as additional issues such as: 

feeling permanently damaged or worthless - clearly. early seasons lucifer can’t conceive of a relationship that doesn’t revolve around a human wanting something from him; sex, or a favour, or a desire fulfilled. it doesn’t even occur to him that he’s loveable in his own right, the only value he assigns himself as a person comes from what he can do for or give to others. lucifer is very vain, but he also uses that vanity to hide his non-existent self-esteem. 

feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you - i mean, he’s kind of justified here in that what happened to him was eons of torture and divine retribution, and nobody can understand because a) we don’t live that long and b) the majority of his human friends think he’s harmlessly insane, but he’s said as much to chloe and linda

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them difficult - until chloe, lucifer’s relationships with humanity had all been surface-level sexual liaisons with no attachment or commitment. “the best night of my life”, say all those people in their interviews with chloe, but none of them considered it to mean anything, even though it clearly meant something to lucifer. he pushes people away or flees when they get too close, because he’s terrified of emotional intimacy. he’s terrified that they’ll eventually realise that he’s evil and worthless and all the things humanity says he is, and that he doesn’t deserve their love. poor thing has been in therapy for years to try and navigate Baby’s First Friendship. lucifer is naturally sociable, but he’s so traumatized and messed up from the billions of years of solitary confinement that he’s terrified of connecting with people even as he’s desperate for it

suicidal feelings - we’ve had at least two onscreen suicide attempts, even though neither was ever really addressed by his loved ones. both times he tried to goad someone into shooting him, knowing that chloe was nearby and that he was vulnerable; he knew he would be killed if either gunman took the shot. he even tells amenadiel he was trying to achieve a “nice, messy” death. 

in conclusion: yeah he’s traumatized as fuck, god barging into his life after several billion years of abuse and abandonment is probably gonna fuck him up hard, and someone should address his suicidal tendencies. like...@chloe wrap your devil in a blanket and cuddle him, maybe? he’s Sad? look after him? 

[gracefulweather]

just finished the ‘good girls guide to murder’ book in one day loll (i still don’t know how tbh) also i bought the book: ‘people we met on vacation’ (friends to lovers hehe) but also rec me some kdramas!! also rec some books too juseyo!! on my list so far is nevertheless (2 episodes in and its over hyped tbh… but i’ll force myself to finish it one way or another) & hometown cha cha cha (5 minutes in and it looks like a promising, feel-good show. i like it.) have you watched ‘girl from nowhere’ yet?? i just finished that today and i really liked it!! right now i am watching the new season of riverdale. then i will force down season 7 of the flash since i’m behind :’) what were your thoughts on the maverick teasers!! it reminded me of logan paul loll. it was nice tho.

omg how do u read so fast :') oooh i've heard of people we meet on vacation!! didn't look into it but the title itself feels like an angsty parting ways after summer kinda thing?

nevertheless was boring after ep 3 tbh, i only liked the beginning bc park jae eon was basically me as a f0ckb0i LMAO. everyone seems to be watching hometown cha cha cha these days, lmk if it's good!! girl from nowhere has been on my list forever omg but i'll get to it this weekend!! and you're still bothering with riverdale? i thought me making it halfway through s3 was already more than most people AHAHA

hmm as for kdramas, one the woman!! and not for younghoon!! the mc is badass and it's super funny 😍😍 more recs: strangers from hell is good for horror; for thriller/action: liar game, signal, mouse, vagabond, sisyphus

maverick... younghoon..... i'll see tmr about hyunjae but for now... yes younghoon 🥺♥✨🤩😍🔥 how u feeling about juyeon's hair!!!

[poptod]

another request lmao. perhaps an elliot/the mastermind x reader where reader is one of his alters/hallucinations who he falls in love with but at the end he realizes they're not real? a little angsty but not too much cuz it's sad girl hours over here.

Notes: hey,,, kind of got carried away with this,,,,, i love plots that are vague and somewhat mystical. anyway there's smut in this WC: 2k

+

Is this what people feel?

Is this what touch feels like to unmarred skin?

His heart pounds against his chest, beats against the ragged breaths that leave him vacant and aching. Something needs to happen––the shiver in his fingertips must be satiated, the need for lips on his satisfied. Otherwise he will exist like this forever––yearning for something, unable to reach it, tangled up in the bedsheets he never actually left.

"Shhh, darling," you whisper in the sweetest of tones, your voice that echoing hum that ricochets off the empty walls of his mind. There's hands on him, running down his chest, tugging on his hair, pulling at his clothes and dipping beneath his skin. "I love you."

God, it's been forever since he last heard those words. Not that he particularly missed them; it's just... it's been a while. It doesn't feel like they mean anything anymore. Your touch does, though––it means everything to him when you speak these words against his forehead, soft lips wrapping him up in affection he no longer recognizes. Nothing can mean more than this, this closeness to another, the comfort found in those you've known longer and better than you've known yourself.

He jolts awake with a start, sitting straight up in bed with his eyes wide open. They burn from the cold air of his apartment, stinging his bare skin as the covers fall off his chest, landing onto your weary body whose arms cling to his middle. Your cheek is pressed tight against his stomach, and the soft mumbles falling from you indicate he's already woken you up.

"El," you mumble, resituating yourself so you're once more hugging him tight, "did you have another nightmare?"

"No, I..." he shifts, rests his head back down on his pillow. "Just exciting. Nothing to worry about."

"Alright," you whisper, but even your whisper is barely there as you land a sleepy kiss on his stomach.

The dark of midnight makes way for rest once more. In the morning though, when he awakes, you aren't there. His bedsheets are all twisted around him, a product of an unpleasantly dream-filled night.

You must be off at work. It's a little ways into the morning, after all.

His own work takes up the usual 9 to 5 hours, and by the time he gets home he's wound up tighter than a boxer's fist. Anxiety is flush in his veins––the smallest mistakes and movements can set him off, and every movement he makes is violent and curt. Rolling up a joint proves hard, but in the end it's worth it, feeling the familiar taste of smoke drift out of his mouth.

Halfway through his joint, the door opens and the sound of your keys jangles from the doorway.

"Hello darling," you say as you pass by him on the couch, quickly pausing to kiss the top of his head. "Rough day at work?"

"Isn't it always?" He replies in a soft grumble, but you give his attitude little recognition.

Once you finish setting down the couple of things in your hands––water bottle, phone, keys, pocket knife––you kneel beside him on the floor, putting your chin on his knee as you look up at him with puppy eyes.

"What do you want me to do?" You ask softly. You always ask.

"Scratch my palm. Please."

"... alright," you say, hesitation grasping you for only a second before you obey. This command, though odd, is one he's give you before––he needs stimulation. Something to pay attention to that isn't his coworkers, his boss, or the stupid fucking company his team is working for.

You don't go as rough as he does when he scratches himself, but it's enough to leave red streaks after a minute or two. When he's doing it to himself, he can feel the skin begin to peel away, making way for angry, red scars that nearly bleed with how close he gets to completely scrubbing away his skin layer.

The kiss you leave on his palm when you finish calms both the nerves and the stinging sensation. At this point you've probably kissed every part of him––it's a strange love language of yours that he adores to no end. A kiss that speaks words every time it happens. It is in every way better than the words he can't seem to get out right.

It's midnight and he's high on morphine, the final threads of his weed high fading out as he stares at the ceiling immobile. His freezing skin needs you––needs your warmth, your weight, your breath on his chest, and you're nowhere to be found. He's scanned the whole apartment and tried to call you, to no avail.

He needs you more than he needs air.

Where the hell are you?

By the next morn he's forgotten the panic and dread of the night before. Your voice stirs him into being; "my love, my dearest, my beautiful," all like honey in his head. Slow. Sweet. Warm.

His eyes drift blearily open, still staring at the ceiling above him. There is no one at his side, no warmth that had comforted him, no words that had awoken him.

A song plays in his thoughts all day, going on repeat time after time, often going over the same verse and chorus multiple times in one go. He grits his teeth and tries playing other songs––plugs his earbuds into a phone and blares it loud as he can, but it doesn't leave. The words repeat again and again and again, and he's not even sure if they're the right lyrics. It's just constantly there, and he hates it, and he needs you. He hasn't felt your touch in what feels like eons, though it's only been around a day.

It is much in a way similar to the feelings of love perceived by robots. Not so much of an I-miss-you; more like a 'I'm used to your presence, and your absence disrupts my routine'. His heart bleeds all over his ribs as he thinks of you, stuck in his cubicle.

You appear over the grey wall of his desk, making no sound as you take his hand. He doesn't protest––of course he wouldn't––but confusion does befall him as you lead him away from the stuffed business room.

Questions grow only more specific as you take him into the bathroom, pushing the both of you in before locking the door behind you. It's one of those unisex bathrooms, so there's a decent amount of space, but you crowd him into the corner anyway.

"I need you, El," you murmur, soft pants leaving you as you push your body against his.

He gasps sharply at the touch of your fingers crawling beneath his shirt, pulling it out of his tucked pants and not bothering to unbutton it. No, you're much more hurried––you need this now, and you won't bother yourself with anything else until you get it.

You fall to your knees, grasping and fiddling with the button on his jeans until it pops open. A small smile comes to you, growing when you palm at his member and a moan tumbles from his lips.

"I've been thinking about you," you say, though it's obvious you barely have the space of mind to speak since you're now mouthing at his clothed cock, "and I need you."

Only when your teasing has brought him to constant moans and grunts do you pull down his boxers, allowing a sigh of relief that he's no longer constrained. You just grin like a cheshire cat, a cat who got the cream, and press wet kisses all up and down him. He tangles his fingers into your hair, pulling when you tease him beyond his limit.

"Don't fucking –"

You cut him off with your lips wrapping around his head, bringing a burning hot satisfaction that fills up his whole body. When you get a long, sweet moan from him, you pop off the head, instead mouthing down his shaft.

"Don't what, baby?"

"Fuck," he grits out, his grip on your hair tightening slightly when you reach the base.

The kiss you plant at his tip is dwarfed by the sensation of you once more taking him in your mouth, sliding your tongue over the parts you can reach and slowly moving further down. It takes a little bit of work, but eventually you can take the whole of him, sucking him down to his base in a movement that he swears could kill him with pleasure.

"I'm sorry for doing this during your work," you say softly as you pull off him, continuing to stroke him with your right hand. "I just got to thinking about you and I missed how you taste. I miss the way you fuck my mouth."

"That's what you want?" He asks, still having trouble controlling his vocal cords.

You nod, almost shyly as you look up at him, your cheek rested against his hip.

"Open up, then," he says, voice dipping low as lust laces his gaze. You obey with innocent eyes, so willing to please him, so ready to receive all he can give you.

He thrusts himself in side you, forcing his cock down your throat as you try not to gag. You're tight––always tight, always warm, always eager to swallow around him and trace veins with your tongue. With his hand in your hair, he keeps your head still, using you as he would any other toy. You love this. Even the tears on your cheeks.

He speeds up as he gets closer to his finish, his thrusts deep with the head of his cock usually ground up against the back of your mouth. The twitch of his approaching orgasm tells you to work all the harder, sucking him in deeper, eagerly awaiting the feeling of warm cum dripping down your throat.

Just as you wanted, he finishes in your mouth, and you faithfully swallow every bit he has to give you. Tight elation fills up his chest, remnants shivering throughout his body as he watches the string of saliva that connects your panting mouth to his cock.

Unable to bear even such short of a distance, he drags you to your feet by your hair, smashing his lips against yours in a kiss that could bruise his skin.

"I love you," you murmur between the breaths you can get, returning his fervor with the same excitement and need he bears for you.

This is nothing more than intoxicating.

Upon opening his eyes he finds himself sitting on the bathroom counter alone, another joint in his hands that really shouldn't be there. The fan is on, but the smell is still going to linger, though he hardly cares anymore. He could be fired in the next hour and it doesn't matter.

"I want you to look at me," he hears. Another blink and he's home––the same joint in his hands, a little burnt out, but that's not what's on his mind. What's on his mind is you, the weight of you sitting on his lap, your hands holding his face.

"I am," he says.

"You know I love you," you whisper, and he feels your words on his skin. He nods. "I will always love you. No matter what. You will occupy my mind, and I will always want what's best for you. Don't forget that, will you?"

"Of course not," he says through a lump in his throat. When did he get here and what are you talking about?

"I want you to look through me," you say softly, already regretful of something that hasn't yet come to pass. "Can you do that for me?"

"Yes," he says, but his voice cracks.

"Look through me."

Through your head is a crack in the wall. Through your chest is his TV, and through your hips is his lap.

He looks back up to meet your eyes but finds nothing. There is nothing on him––no pressure, no warmth, and it's now he realizes his apartment is freezing cold. His fingers are numb with it, encased with the harsh winter creeping through the cracks in his windows. Everything is cold, and there is no sign of you.

How fitting for him.

How perfect, how deserving, for someone like him.

The biggest fucking mess in the world.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 21.11.20 lb

“patidev????? praannaaath??? piya basanti re (kaahe sataaye aaja)????”

kaun vansh, it seems. 1. as if he’s not him. 2. if he’s NOT him, as if poori wikipedia ghol ke pee nahi rakhi raisinghanias kii.

lmaooooooooooooooooooo his face as she checks him out.

i am honestly soooooooooooo glad they’re finally letting this boy move his goddamn face. it’s so glorioussssssssss.

she’s mumbling to herself and he’s like “khud se baat karne ki puraani aadat hai ya naya seekha hai?” AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW OF HER PURAANI AND NAYI AADATEIN IF YOU’RE NOT VANSH HUHHHHHH????

he’s like ooooooooooooooh i know you, you’re the damsel in distress from yesterday!

while she’s like EK SHAKAL KE DO INSAAN YEH KAISE HO SAKTA HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII as if her ass didn’t play two ppl with the same face in her last show.

lmao the shock didn’t last for long and she started doing jasoosi in his house right in frontttttttttt of him, going through all of his shit.

she’s heading straightttttttttttttttttt for the place where he’s stashed all the pictures of the raisinghanias.

ok he pulled her back. phew. honestly riddhima, you know he hated this shit about you even when he was alive. also it’s rude af.

idk why his talking style is reminding her of vansh coz it’s clearly not anything alike.

don’t bother knocking there bro, no one’s home. that oopri maala has been abandoned for eons now.

some more ambiguous talk about how she looks like she’s seen a ghost, etc. i’m just here for this dude’s face, warna iss scene mein khaas kuch ho nahi raha.

he’s like if you wanna thank me, i prefer cash. chaep insaan.

1 laakh!?!?!?!? KHUD KI HI BIWI SE ITNAAAAAAAA PAISA HETTTT RAHA HAI, SHARAM NAHI AATI TEREKO??????

“agar main wahaan sahi waqt pe nahi pohunchta toh aapka toh..... ctrl + alt + delete ho jaata.” ok can’t deny i giggled a little at that one.

his turn to check out the wife. taad lo beta, taad lo. tumhari hi sardard hai, 7 janmon ke liye. 

cash nahi toh main digital payments bhi accept karta hoon. lekin GST alag se lagega. GST = Girl Safety Tax. god, he’s suchhhhh a loser.

lmaooooooooooooooooo jaasoosi ka alag tax he’s asking. woh bharne lagi riddhima toh akshay kumar, srk, sabko peeche hattna padega, desh mein sabse zyaada tax yeh hi bharegi.

she’s just literally standing there staring and he’s had enough and is like dude, kaam ki baat karo nahi toh gtfo, i don’t got time for this.

“please leave.” haaaye betaji, kaafiyon ne try kiya hai, par yeh dheent jaati hi nahi. apni behen se pooch.

he’s enjoying playing with her sooooooo much.

she comes back home and....................

ab tak toh theek tha but then....................

yeah. he was asking for that with the face he made. dumbass.

lmao omg ishani has walked in seeing this, I CAN’T WAIT FOR HER REACTIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

BWAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

he’s like anjaane mein hua, i was going to mandir, blah blah, she’s like save it, idgaf.

dadi is taking his side and saying maaf kardo. UGH DADI CAN YOU PLS JUST SHUSH. CAN YOU JUST GO ON SOME YAATRA LIKE THAT ISHQBAAZ DADI USED TO WHEN THINGS GOT STRESSFUL AROUND HERE?????

“pehli baar riddhima ne kuch sahi kiya hai!” lmaoooooooo i love this messy bitch so muchhhhhhh.

dadi apologizing on behalf of riddhima and he’s like koiiii nahi dadi, koiii nahiiiiiiiiiiiii, but we’re getting a lot of:

so we know that this shit ain’t over.

yup. MAN HE NEEDS TO STOP WALKING INTO HER ROOM ALL THE TIME THIS IS JUST REALLY DISTURBING AS FUCKKKK.

SHE’S TELLING HIM TO GTFO REPEATEDLY AND........ UGH HATE THE RAPEYASSSSSSS TONE OF THIS SCENE.

UGHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH WE DON’T LIKE THIS. GO BACK TO BEING FRUSTRATED AND FUNNY KABIR WHO WAS SMARTTTTTTTTTTTT. WE DON’T WANT THIS SEXUALLY HARASSING PIECE OF SHIT KABIR.

asjdhasjdkasdhkajshdkasjhdkjashkdjhkasjdhjj her lord give me strength face. every woman knows this face.

“toot gaya brahm???” appropriate response.

but also, the second mirror she’s broken in two days. 14 years of bad luck and counting.

vishal needs to stop being sofa king cute coz I HATE KABIR RN.

ok lotta disgusting talk about how marrying widhwa is punya ka kaam and grabbing here and being just overall rapeyyyyy as fuck. dude, i’m not here for this crap. it just makes me too grossed out  how he’s intimidating her.

basically a lot threatening that i’ll hurt the family if you don’t agree and just watch, you’ll agree to marry me in 6 hours. yeah yeah ok, fuck right off, you fucking creep. can’t wait for vihaan/vansh and ishani and angre and riddhima to tag team and beat the fuck outta you.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #409

“when everything is wrong, we move along”

Are you a good kisser? I mean there's no way for me to actually know, but I guess history suggests I'm not bad. What question do you hate being asked the most? "What does your tattoo mean?" I'm so self-conscious of my "strange" interests that I can't stand that question and I get SO awkward. I know, I know, "Then why did you even get it?" Reason being it makes me happy and I don't want my fears to win anyway. What do you think the hardest part of surviving is? Just that very thing: surviving. Getting through rough patches with your sanity and good health intact. Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. Do you honestly hate anyone? Sometimes I think I still hate the girl Jason dated after me. It's entirely unjustified, and even knowing they're not together anymore (at least, to my knowledge), thinking of her just... makes me angry and jealous and just generally uncomfortable. I also sincerely hate someone who violated my best friend. What song did you hear last? I'm listening to a slowed down mash-up of "Circus" by Britney Spears and "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. It's actually p dope man. Have you ever walked in on your friends having sex? YIKES no. Where do you find you take most of your naps? I nap in my bed. Do you like sleeping just wearing your underwear and a top? No. I had to do that once and I was SO uncomfortable. Are you named after a parent or grandparent? No. Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt. Do you have nice legs? No. Has a boyfriend’s brother ever hit on you? No. Do you have a nice butt? That's an even bigger "no." I have like, no ass lmao. What do you have a massive attraction towards? Some short Korean dude that is the literal avatar of "chaotic good" lmao. Have you ever made a sex tape? NOOOOOOO and I never will. How do you feel about your weight right now? I am immensely unhappy and just seriously depressed by it. Have your parents ever told you that you’re a disappointment? Oh my god, no. I would die. I feel like they think that, but they've never said or acted so. Do graveyards thrill or terrify you? They give me a feeling of peace, and I find them humbling as a tiny, mortal being that's only here for a flicker in time. They remind me to try and make use of that spark. What song’s your current favorite? I've really been digging "SAVIOR" by SWARM as of recently. Do you miss any of your exes? Yes. Did you ever take pottery class in high school? They didn't offer a course for specifically pottery; it was just included in Art. I made one or two things. Have you ever felt yourself fainting? A few times. Who’s the last boy to make you cry? Guess. His memory, anyway. Did he know that he made you cry? I honestly wonder what he'd think if he knew all these years later, I still have times where I cry over him. When’s the last time you felt like a total asshole? I don't really know. Has anyone ever threatened you? Yes. Would you ever own a rat? I've owned quite a lot. I LOVE rats, and a part of me wants another pair, but I'm just not a great owner of pets that require so much cleaning. Would you or do you ever spank your kids? NO. I will ALWAYS say this regarding this subject: you do not teach your children through fear, nor do you instill in them, deliberately or not, that it is okay to hit people when they upset you. Have you ever considered being a cop? Nope. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive? Not long. Fish husbandry is more complicated than people make you think, so your ordinary fishbowl situation isn't going to work long. Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? My mother has. Dad has never said anything regarding this subject, thank god. That would be uncomfortable as shit. Have you ever spent over $100.00 on an article of clothing? What was it? Fuck no. Honestly, have you ever mooned or flashed somebody? No. Have you stayed up past 3 in the morning this week? Actually, yes. I pulled the first all-nighter in eons a few days back. What was on the last sandwich you had? Ham, cheese, and mustard. Do you own a trenchcoat? Bitch I wish. Name the hardiest piece of technology you own? Christ, my iPod that I've had since middle school. Seriously, a 4th gen. iPod Nano is still running, and I use it HEAVILY. I have no fucking clue how it's still alive. Tell me the last thing you searched on the internet? A definition just to make sure I was using it correctly. Are you currently in a smoking environment? Nooooo. Ma would never allow someone to smoke in here, and I honestly wouldn't either. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Have you ever taken care of a drunk friend? No. How about a hungover friend? No. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? You gross me out. (: Do you know anyone who can fluently speak more than two languages? No. Have you ever gone in a sauna? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. I would hate that SO much. What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? ALWAYS wanted? Probably a ferret. I don't actually want one now, but the idea is still nice to imagine. They're such characters. Is there any TV show that ended that you wish hadn’t? Ugggghhhh, Deadman Wonderland. It ended on SUCH a cliffhanger. I mean the manga continued, so I could've chosen to read that, but I don't read manga. Have you ever seen your parents drunk and what was your reaction? I saw my dad drunk all the time when I was younger because he was an alcoholic for as long as he lived with us. I knew he was either going to be hilarious or volatile and withdrawn. 50/50 chance. I've seen my mom drunk a couple times, and it was always surprising to me because she drinks very rarely. She's a very social and silly drunk, and it's a rare occasion where she seems happy. What’s your biggest body worry when you wear a bikini? Hunny, you would NOT see me in a bikini. Even if no one else was around, I wouldn't put one on. If you had the chance to redo high school knowing what you know now, how would you redo it? I think I probably wouldn't have dated Jason. Do you or anyone you know have an account on deviantART? I have for many, many years, and have friends that do, too. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? HANDS. Who was the first person you made out with, and where was it? Jason, in his bed. When was the last time someone said you were attractive? WOW, who the fuck even knows. Have you ever had to pretend you were sober, even though you were wasted? How did it turn out? No. Have you ever smoked at school? No. Have you ever thrown up from working out? No. Do you think machines will take over the world? I think it's a possibility. Technology keeps advancing faster and faster that I wouldn't be all that surprised if we design them to such an advanced state that they have some sort of sentience. Is the way you typically behave congruent with your ethnic background? What the ACTUAL fuck is this question. Literally fuck off. Have you ever lived in a brand new house? No. Has the last person you kissed met your father? Yes. What’s your favourite breed of dog? I have a strong bias for beagles. As far as visual appeal of breeds goes, I REALLY couldn't tell ya. There are so many beautiful dogs. Do you think more about the past, present or future? I'm pretty obsessed with the past. Do you swear in front of your parents? Dad, freely. Around Mom, I try not to say "fuck" or "goddamn" because she really doesn't like those. I still say some words, though. It's just pure habit. What’s something that’s bothering you? I've just been having envy problems lately, and it's not an emotion I'm used to or enjoy whatsoever. Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn’t want to date? Yeah. Did any particular thing brighten up your day today? Not really. Do you know who your latest ex is dating? Nobody. What are your plans for the weekend? My sister Katie and her husband are coming to visit, and we're probably driving up to a lake that Ash and her little family stay at all the time so Katie can meet the kids. But with that storm coming through, it's questionable if we'll actually go, because it's an hour drive. When were you last in a car? Earlier today to go to the TMS office. I officially start my tapering sessions, so I won't be going every day now. Have you cried today at all? No. Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas? That is noooot rare, honestly. Depends on where I'm going. Have you ever had bronchitis? Nope. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? Twice, I wanna say? What do you want right this second? To actually have motivation to draw a picture I have planned. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept? No. If I weren't so opposed to smoking because of the lung damage I honestly would, though. I'm curious how it would affect my anxiety. Can you control your dreams if you realize you are dreaming? No. When was the last time you cried really hard? I'm really not sure. Do you think you can last for an hour without talking? Very, very easily. I probably do that on a daily basis. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yes, but spelled differently.

[thehereticaldeserthermit]

So this has pretty much became canon x oc?

༒ 𝕞𝕖𝕞𝕠 ༒

Out Of Character.

I’m not really sure what you’re getting at but considering the current TREND...I believe this to be a nefarious inquiry given you are on ANON. 

LMAO

You think my Gra is canon ???

I never said I was 100% canon, Its in my bio for him IF you bothered to read it but

I will take that compliment and run like a thief in the night.

You flatter me so...

I’d say its more like SkekGra x SkekAm in my book baby if you are so inclined to put a label on it, go forth’

I am not here to pigeon-hole  MY  skekGra into only ONE singular SHIP if thats what you’re getting at. 

I ship with whomever I want to It IS My Blog My Right 

I support Original Characters. 

I work with more Original Characters than Canon. Imagine that. 

Tumblr has come a looooong fucking way in being more open, more accepting of Original Characters than it used to be when I first started writing here EONS ago. 

Do not pop in and shame it. 

DO not sully the hard work, dedication people have put in if that is your intention feel free to POP OFF

b e c a u s e 

I LOVE the writers I work with, they are artists, creative souls keeping THIS fandom ALIVE and thriving. 

SO what if we diverge from canon. Who wants to write a story thats already been written---? Again, its in MY bio, I’m not here to replicate something thats already been done, where’s the FUN in that?

Feel Free To  -UNfollow Me-  At Your  Earliest Convenience If My Party Rockin’ Offends

[dyketectivecomics]

Retrieval - Ch. 11

SURPRISE BITCHES. BETCHA THOUGHT YOU’D SEE THE LAST OF THIS.

(Read on AO3) (No actually, maybe go ahead and reread everything on ao3, since its been SO DAMN LONG ooooof) (also everyone keep in mind that the chap under the cut doesnt have italic edits in bc its 3k & also 1 am and i don't have time for that. just go ahead and read it on ao3 unless you already have an idea of whats going on at this stage in the fic lmao)

@squiddybeifong it’s ur turn finally, love <3, def take ur time and i cant WAIT to see your thoughts on this haha 

...

Grotesque as each of the demons were, Raven remembered barely keeping them straight from one another. All sharp teeth and disfigured skin, some sported facsimiles of regency fashion, while others chose to hide themselves in as few layers as possible. Try as she might, she recalled the eyes most clearly, in hues of reds, oranges and yellow, all burning with the sins of the souls they had claimed over the eons.

The one who had called her here, a brother without a name. (At least without a name yet, as that would come a decade later, when she most needed to name and defeat these demons with Titans by her side.) No, this demon that could not be properly named stood to his full height, towering over the others as he snapped his claw-like fingers to gain their attention, silencing their jeering at the destruction the portal showed.

"Enough of that nonsense," he droned, as if somehow bored of the chaos and devastation. "While Father is distracted, we have but one chance to settle this nasty business. What are we to do with sister dearest?"

There was much grumbling among the demons as they took seats around this circle, the visage of Azarath's last moments disappearing from view forever with a distinct pop and crackle. Raven could feel once again the ghost of Zatanna's reassuring hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently in empathy. She couldn't tell if it was better, or worse, never knowing what had transpired.

She certainly knew more than before, just enough to get a clearer picture than so many years of guesswork had lead her down. But it left a hollow feeling in her chest, as those certainties were closed off forever now.

Maybe it had been too much to hope for, to know exactly what Azarath's last moments were like. Or maybe it was too cruel to wish for the burden of such knowledge, even when one had prepared themselves for it. How disheartening, to have gone to so much trouble, only to be stopped so short.

"We can't kill her, much as I'm loathe to share any more 'an I already have to with you lot," a smaller demon piped up to Raven's left. She'd forgotten, in her reverie, just where her attention should truly lay. "But that doesn't mean we can't have our fun."

There was a murmur through the group, a mixed reaction but no true agreements or dissents. Raven could feel something swelling up in her stomach, but she reached for Zatanna's hand on her shoulder, squeezing it back and quelling the feeling.

She knew she'd made it to Constantine's apartment relatively unscathed. Like rereading an old favorite book, she remembered the end even without needing to remember everything that occurred in between. Whatever they had in mind, try as they might have, these petty demons hadn't harmed her much. She was strong enough to survive it then, she was powerful enough to endure it now.

Though, with how the hellfire that was starting to play tricks on her eyes, a part of her wondered just how much longer she'd be forced to endure it. In the furthest reaches, it shone a bit too hot, blinding if she let her eyes stray there for too long.

"The important thing I want to know is; how much fun can we have without Trigon letting on about it? And without interfering too deeply with his plans?"

"Doesn't he need the girl as an emissary to Earth and other planes?" one quipped back, "That would mean we can't keep her here, not long at any rate."

"Then it'd be best to act soon, lest he send her away before we have-"

A low rumble went through the group, all collectively groaning as they felt the same call. Raven remembered hearing a voice, faint, as if it spoke through layers of cotton. It was strange to her then, but familiar now, the cockiness and sly flow of mocking decorum. Constantine's most casual of ways, of summoning sworn enemies forth, to make the most backhanded of bargains.

Though, some of what he was saying... didn't particularly seem to resonate with what would have been said in such circumstances. And out of the corner of her eye, Raven watched as that white-hot light broke through a stalactite or two, eating away at the scene. Inevitable, but much slower than before. She knew now, for certain, that time was limited, much as she'd fought successfully against it so far.

She could hold it off just a tad longer.

"The Hellblazer's onto us, gentlemen," one of the demons sighed, resigned to what was to come. "Any volunteers?"

The group laughed, and Raven remembered taking a few shy steps back, naively thinking this an opportunity to sneak away, before more than a few sets of eyes settled on her.

"Why not send our little sister to him?" the eldest sneered, "It's beneath us to answer such a droll summons. It would be amusing to see him throw her back to us like a fisherman does a minnow."

Laughter bubbled around Raven, too-wide smiles and menacing glints in eyes and teeth. The feeling of self-satisfied, low-burning rage and an anticipation for harm to come.

She knew, then, that anywhere they would want to send her, anywhere that she wasn't in control of sending herself to, would not be a place she'd want to go. And much too late, she tried to make a dash to get away.

She screamed as she felt sharp claws sinking into her arms and delighted laughter reached a fever pitch around her. Everything began growing much brighter and more charged than before, as her body was burning the last of this nightmarish high.

She watched as a few of her brothers slashed into the air around them, tearing reality itself apart as they searched for the best rift to send her tumbling through.

...

The air temperature dropped drastically as John felt his daughter's mood shift, something tightening in his chest and tears welling in his eyes. His heart hammered in his chest, fear at the forefront of it all. He glanced up to see Asa holding her own against Raven's projections better than he did, wiping away a droplet before focusing her hands, once more on checking Zatanna's aura.

"I call upon Saint Christopher, that he may protect in their travels..."

It was a long shot, but when a demonologist has exhausted all of the runes and rituals at his disposal, sometimes a hope and a prayer were all that were left. And Constantine was currently running down the long list of every deity and figure of power that he could scarcely remember.

The classic Catholic routes were always the first to go.

His tone took a more urgent tune as he watched his daughter clench her fists and let out an ear-splitting scream.

"I call upon Saint Michael, to protect in this battle..."

He could only hope that these prayers and practices weren't coming too late.

...

As Zatanna felt the chill of Raven's powers as the empath's consciousness finally awoke, the sorceress tried turning over a happier memory in her own mind.

Sending Raven back to reality in this state now wouldn't do them any good. Fear and anger and hate lingering on her soul. It would, at best, wreck John's apartment.

At worst, it could level New York.

As those demons, shadows of memories long past, opened that fateful portal to John's apartment, so similar and yet a striking difference to how it was now, answering a summons that none wanted to bother themselves with, Zatanna focused all her energy into channeling that memory of her own. One that she couldn't be sure Raven shared. It seemed so far away, and such a small thing.

Of a tiny seven-year-old, in her halloween costume, dressed as the most adorable witch San Francisco would ever see, and receiving a tickling of a lifetime as her mother teased her. The memory of peals of laughter from the sorceress and squeals of protest from the young empath rang in her ears, louder now than the demons laughter, that was slowly fading away from them as Raven's small form was sent through that portal. Zatanna could only do her best to follow close after her.

Slowly, her grip on the girl’s hand loosened, until she lost it completely in their free fall. The sorceress watched helplessly as Raven fell further down ahead of her, the memory still at the periphery of her own mind.

She could see as the portal closed, how time shifted everything inside of that apartment. The couch's color dimmed, showing its wear and its age. Grooves in the floor grew from so many rearrangements of furniture and space. She could see Constantine sitting watch over her and Raven's bodies, and noted that the Nightmare Nurse's aid had been enlisted.

And all too quickly, that vision faded.

As everything dimmed around her, she thought she could hear Raven's voice as she knew it now, deep throaty laughter bubbling out around it, replacing those high-pitched squeals from before.

Everything became blackness once more.

...

As laughter escaped from his daughter's lips, Constantine paid Asa's concerned protests no mind, rushing again to his daughter's side as her powers sparked electrically around them. That shift in the air, like ozone and pressure before a thunderstorm, was one he recognized when a too-sudden, too-extreme mood shift occurred for the empath. When her powers were stuck playing catch-up as they drifted from menacing shadows to dangerously cheery sparks.

"Raven, I need you to breathe for me, darling," he begged, "Find your center again, luv."

His focus was solely on his daughter, as her laughter slowly died, the snickers giving way to breathless gasps. When she began to still in his arms and as her breathing began to return back to normal, he finally registered the Nightmare Nurse's frantic cries.

"-She's not responding, John. Zatanna's not waking up."

...

"Give up?" Zatanna asked with a gleam in her eyes and a sly smile on her lips. The witch before her pouted, giving the most adorable glare that the sorceress had seen in her life.

"Never," she said, and her voice held all of the self-assurance of a spellcrafter well beyond her so few years of experience.

Zatanna only smiled wider. "You asked for it, then."

She tickled the little witch for a second time, laughing alongside her shouts and giggles. That accent that she was picking up from Constantine was more prominent, now that she’d spent the better part of the year with him. And it was positively adorable as well. "No! Mummy, stop!"

"Admit it!" she laughed, "Admit that you're the most adorable little witch!"

It was true, objectively speaking. The girl's dress and hat were tailored with kitschy patches, buttons that seemed comically large and cartoonish pockets that were even bigger than one would think. All of the makings of a perfect Halloween costume. All she was missing, at the moment, were practical tennies for trick-or-treating.

This was where one of several points of argument for the evening had begun, as Raven had insisted, in her seven-year-old wisdom, that her dance flats were needed to complete the look. Something Zee had been unsuccessful, thus far, in swaying her opinion on.

At least until she’d started the teasing, and followed through on her threat of tickling.

"I'm-" she was breathless, gasping for air, but giggling all between, "I'm- not! I'm a- I'm a scary-! A scary witch!"

With that final shout, Zatanna paused in her tickling as Raven sent a shock through her skin. A light zap of her powers, but nothing like the unsettling chill she had felt earlier when the girl refused to admit to fears and doubts about the holiday festivities her mother had planned. It was a welcome change, if unexpected.

"You're right," Zee chuckled in assent, carefully picking the girl up and carrying her from the room, "And since you're clearly the most terrifying thing out and about tonight, that must mean you'll be able to protect me from all of the ghouls and goblins out there tonight?"

The girl puffed out her chest, grinning wide as she adjusted her hat. "No monsters will get past me, mummy! I promise!"

The magician could only smile and hold the girl in a tight embrace. "Thanks, Blackbird. I feel safer already. But you know what will help me feel-?"

But just as the sorceress set the girl down again, before she had even finished the question as she turned around in this fairly mundane memory, she could feel that sense of presence slipping. Her once familiar home in San Francisco fading away in a blur and a blank. An expanse before her that could be filled with anything.

This Raven wasn’t the one she entered this world with. Her daughter was no longer in this plane between consciousness and dreams, where memories made their home. 

And that terrifying reality was starting to settle in.

“-the most... safe?” she finished asking, in trepidation.

A shiver creeped quickly down her spine, as another memory took her away, unbidden.

…

“I have to go back for her,” the empath protested, sitting up at once as the Nightmare Nurse’s words fully registered. She felt the blood rush just as quickly away from her head, and lay back down immediately to stop the dizziness.

“You’d need at least an hour of recovery, kiddo,” Asa laughed bitterly, “At least you would, if you were human.”

“I’ll be fine in a minute. Just give me a second.”

“Like bleedin’ hell you’re going back,” John growled, “Asa, you hold ‘er, luv. I’ll be going in-”

“Dad, pots!” Her tone and intention had the brit slowly freezing right in place against his will. Try as he might to fight her, he never had quite the same level of resolve that Raven had. 

But, he supposed, that’s just how fathers and daughters seemed to operate. A father always willing to give his girl the world. And never being able to deny her, even when it was in her best interest.

“It has to be me, dad,” Raven sighed. “I pulled her in. I need to be the one to pull her out.”

Constantine swallowed the lump forming in his throat, teeth slow to unclench as he asked, “Promise me you’ll be safe? That you’ll get out soon as you reach her?”

Raven’s own indigo eyes leveled at his piercing blue ones, her stomach dropping as she lied, “I promise.”

…

She felt calmer when she opened her eyes again, her breathing shallow and soft, her body curled as tightly in on itself as she could stand. She felt a sharp pinch of happiness, and a dull sting of longing, when she heard her father’s voice. And she remembered, another small memory that had meant so much more to her over the years.

"Now just where did my princess run off to," Giovanni mused as he glanced around his daughter's room. He made extra sure not to take any special notice of some particularly lumpy and giggling pillows that lay on her bed.

"Hmm, how strange," he sighed with extra, cartoonish emphasis, "How odd that my daughter would learn to pull such a thorough disappearing act before I could teach her it myself. Alas!" He gave a cry, before falling back onto her bed. "Perhaps if I were to take a nap upon her bed, I could dream of where she has run off to!"

He adjusted himself carefully atop that oh-so-lumpy cushioning, leaning carefully back and poking at the pillows as she barely held in her snickering. "Now, if only these pillows weren't so lumpy and strange! Perhaps then my dreams might be clear." He put a bit more of his weight on it, yawning dramatically as he stretched his arms above his head. "But as long as Zatanna is not here, I don't see the harm-"

"I am here, daddy! I got you!" the young sorceress cried, laughing as she wiggled out from behind her father.

"Goodness! You have, indeed, my princess!" the magician laughed, bringing his daughter in close for a hug and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "And I've missed you so! You must promise to teach me that trick before my next show!"

"Uh-uh, that one's a super-special... tersec?" the five-year-old turned the word over uncertainly, and Zatara only smiled as he applauded her attempt.

"Terces, my sun and stars. Repus laiceps terces." He booped her nose, and she giggled once more. With a whispered word and sleight of hand, he produced a diary with a lock, Zatanna's name embossed with ostentatious calligraphy, and smiled even wider as she went starry-eyed.

"You'll need a place to keep those sterces then, my darling."

The chorus of thank-yous that followed after were drowned out only by his own laughter as he returned her tight embrace.

The sorceress began to feel the weight of the memory weighing on her chest, however. A wistfulness as the laughter quickly became quiet cries. At first, she almost believed them to be cries for what she still mourned. But then everything shifted again.

“Give me the word, my sun and stars,” her father growled, “And I will make the boy regret his very-”

“Daddy, no,” she shook her head, “It’s not… It’s not his fault.”

“That is where you are wrong, my dear,” the old magician laughed, “It is always a boy’s fault. Unless he starts taking responsibility for it, then he is not truly a man.” He squeezed her hand tightly as he lifted her chin, making sure she was looking into his smiling eyes as he said, “And he is not worthy of your time, for that matter, either.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, before pulling her back in for another tight embrace.

Zatanna held desperately to this special kind of comfort that she hadn’t felt since her father had died.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts. 

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

[renxamamiya]

kjsdgr;lkhser;lgigra I love XS so much and Rai has such a special place in my heart (I had such a crush on him back in the day and lowkey still kinda do??). I'm sooo happy to see someone else who loves the series and Rai so much, your XS content is 👌👌👌 !!!!

GOD ME TOO ABOUT RAI but now I just like him like a son???? He’s one of my top 5 fave characters of all time and has been a fave for what feels like eons now. Xiaolin Showdown also means so so so SO much to me as it was a series from my childhood that I properly went bananas over. 

And thank you! It’s so nice to find people who enjoy the cartoon, who enjoy my content about the cartoon, who are rejoining it or reminiscing about it because of some of my gifsets/graphicsm being reblogged/shared. I’m also greatful that they bothered to remaster the original series lmao. 

But thank you so so so much for this message! Us Rai stans got to stick together ;)

[flatsuke]

for you, the world

Title: for you, the world

Summary: Sometimes, he wished someone out there could grant the wishes of a god. Time Loop AU

Genre:  Angst, Romance

Pairing:  MC/Leon

Rating: T

a/n: Happy Belated Birthday @maidofstars!! I’m sorry this came really late, but I wanted this to be good lmao! This fic was heavily inspired by Madoka Magica’s 3rd Movie! I thought it would be fitting for Leon :’) 

Also a big thank you to @kiserusmoke for getting my ass into overdrive  also @angel34jolly-blog, i finally made a Leon fic :D

?.

The wishes always came to Leon in endless streams.

As a Wishes minister, he’d heard them all before. The annoying lottery wishes, the please-let-me-get-an-A wishes, the heal-my-dog wishes—he’d heard everything, and frankly, he was tired of doing so.

None of those could hold a candle to the sheer amount of love wishes that landed on his desk, however.

Humans never seemed to stop wishing about love, and that annoyed Leon to no end. There was always someone out there who wanted love to be shaped according to their terms, without any consideration for anything else. Leon thought there was nothing more disgustingly human than that.

It came to a point where he had to put his foot down and ban granting love-related wishes in the department. He was sure the other gods had their misgivings with this development, but no matter. His word was the next best thing to the law in the heavens.

“Leo, don’t you think you’re being a bit hasty with this decision?” Karno asked him. Typical of the Cancer god, Leon thought. Always the only one brave enough to question me.

“Of course not. There’s no merit in granting wishes that aren’t worth anything.”

It was true. Leon couldn’t think of any goldfish wishes that didn’t have some hint of human greed or selfishness in them. The mere thought of granting any of them left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Except, maybe, for one wish.

There was one goldfish whose wish didn’t disgust him immediately. The human—a little girl—always looked at the stars with her hands clasped and asked for the same thing—

“I wish something wonderful would happen.”

It was vague, childish even. But it held the hopes and dreams of a little goldfish with stars in her eyes.

Maybe just once, he’d grant this wish.

i.

That trickster of a king must’ve had a twisted sense of humor if he thought sending Leon on Earth to erase his mark of sin was funny.

But sending him on earth knowing full well that he’d fall for the ex-goddess? The king was an absolute bastard.

The goldfish, in her enthusiasm, had invited to him to attend the Star Festival with her. He willingly chose to indulge her—after all, this was the last thing he could do for her before he’d face the wrath of the heavens. He had to leave her with something, and all he was allowed to give was a memory worth keeping.

Unfortunately, their evening was ruined when Minister Ponytail decided to make himself known.

“Lay a hand on her and you’ll regret it.” Leon was smirking, but his words had no mirth in them whatsoever.

“…Because you don’t want any harm to come to her?”

For the first time in the long time they’ve known each other, though he’d never admit it, Leon agreed.

Leon knew, deep down, that Zyglavis did nothing out of malice. He only acted out of a sense of misplaced duty and honor, not to mention the fact that he was incapable of seeing things beyond black and white logic.

That, Leon thought, was his greatest mistake. He would never beat Leon as long as he lived by that outdated mentality.

Leon was already preparing to block Zyglavis’ attack, but he underestimated how foolish she was.

(And how selfless she was.)

Humans were not supposed to have holes in their chests, but here she was, charred skin surrounding the gaping wound right on her heart. She slumped onto the ground, and he was reminded of the little fish they won earlier, now flapping helplessly beside her.

“Why did she…?” Not even Zyglavis could’ve predicted that she’d try to shield Leon from the attack.

But none of that mattered right now.

Leon felt his suppressed power well up in him in waves, and despite all the chaos around him, he could only see red. How dare this insolent god hurt her, how dare this filthy world reject her—

How dare you for not protecting her, Leon.

“Leon! Don’t do this, there are humans here!” Zyglavis’ screams were already white noise to him.

He remembered a wish long ago that he promised himself he’d grant.

If there was anything Leon was completely sure of, it’s that he would do anything to make sure it would come true.

Even if I have to do it over and over.

ii.

This time, he was able to save her before Zyglavis’ attack reached her. Only, in her attempt to keep him from going berserk at Zyglavis, her body absorbed all the impact from his unleashed power.

This time, it was his fault.

But despite all that, she forgave him. Even when he was being dragged off to the heavens to stand trial, she didn’t blame him for causing her pain. Hell, she even begged him to take her with him.

(How could he compete against that?)

In the end, both of them stood before everyone in the Punishments court. She was beside him, obviously unnerved by the scrutinizing looks of all the gods. Still, she met all their gazes head-on with the hidden strength he came to love.

That’s my goddess.

He was, as the humans would say, in deep shit. But seeing her stand her ground against the likes of the ponytailed stick-up-the ass gave him a reason to smile through all this.

“The time of judgement has arrived,” Zyglavis’ stern voice rang across the hall. “You were exiled to Earth for committing the sin of defiling a goddess. However, instead of spending your time on Earth atoning for your sin, you broke a law of the heavens.”

She trembled beside Leon, holding his hand tighter—tighter than she did the first night they met.

“Do you admit to this sin, Leon, wild lion of the heavens?”

He smirked. Of course, he knew exactly what he did better than anyone. The old adage of the heavens, “a god must not love a human more than any other,” rang in his head, but he didn’t bother entertaining the thought further. In fact, he’d abandoned that thought long before he arrived in court.

You’re the only person here that matters.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Zyglavis,” Leon said, giving the other god his best sneer. “I never denied that I broke the law.”

“Tread carefully, lion—”

“But the fact remains that she helped me erase my sin. So make of that what you will.”

The furrow in Zyglavis’ brow only grew more pronounced. “Of all the gods here, your power is paramount to the balance heavens.”

Again with his “balance” foolishness—

“That’s no concern of mine," Leon said.

“Watch your mouth,” Zyglavis scolded, his voice reverberating. “Despite everything, you are still the head of the Department of Wishes—for the time being. I will have you decide now. God or human—which do you choose?”

Leon knew this was a trick question. Should he choose to be human, he would lose his powers, thereby rendering her unable to return to Earth. If he chose to remain a god, he would have to do the unthinkable.

“…Are you asking me to kill her?” His voice took a deadly edge.

“If you don’t, then the only path left for you is extinguishment.”

She panicked visibly at that, and Leon could already read her thoughts—all of which asked him to kill her and save his own life.

Like I would ever let that happen.

She’d told him before that she never wanted to be separated from him, even at the cost of her life. As a wish-granting god, Leon could only do what he did best.

The space around him shifted. The light around him grew to a blinding gold, and he knew the end was near. Yet, none of that mattered to him.

To hell with the King, the gods, and the heavens. If he was a sinner, then so be it. Let the world condemn him, so long as she could have another chance at happiness.

And I would do it again, just to see you smile.

iii.

He was back at the planetarium again, just like the first night they met.

True to her nature, she leapt off the planetarium’s balcony to save a little boy from falling. The force of the boy’s fall was too strong, and just like before, she was pulled over the side of the roof, falling to what could have been her untimely death.

But unlike before, he wasn’t the god who saved her this time.

Leon distinctly heard her heart call out for Huedhaut.

True enough, Hue responded at a moment’s notice, and Leon had never seen the god of Aquarius look so desperate before.

Not since he’d lost that person all those years ago.

Hue held her carefully, guiding her gently back to the planetarium. She, in turn, clung onto him as tightly as she could.

At the back of his mind, Leon always knew that she and Hue had a connection of some sort. He wasn’t a fool not to know that Hue’s missing stars and the reincarnated goddess’ existence were related. In fact, Leon never missed the way Hue looked at her longingly, as if she would disappear from his sight if he didn’t watch her.

Still, seeing them together still sent a stab of pain in Leon all the same.

He supposed this world wasn’t the one meant for him. If he was right, then she was meant to be with Hue in this world. It wasn’t Leon’s place to interfere. He would stay in the sidelines and support them. All that mattered was that she ended up happy.

However, Fate loved to play tricks on the good, and she was the greatest of the good.

Huedhaut returned to the heavens after his mark of sin faded, but her heart didn’t sit well with his absence. Day after day, the rain never stopped its barrage on Earth—a clear reflection of her feelings.

Feelings Leon knew all too well.

Zyglavis, ever the dutiful square, gave her the option of letting Huedhaut die to save Earth, or to let herself die to save both him and Earth.

And, just like always, she gave herself up so easily.

(He wondered if this unending agony was what Hue had to live with for eons.)

iv.

Leon remembered an interesting question Vega posed one day.

“If the gods grant the humans’ wishes, then who grants the gods’ wishes?”

For the life of him, he didn’t know. Supposedly, gods were existences of the highest order; they were at the pinnacle of the everything, able to manipulate the laws of creation at will.

Yet the only wish he’s ever had, the only person that made his world have any semblance of meaning in it—

“I’m sorry, Leo,” Karno had his eyes closed in sorrow. “She was trying to save a boy from a moving car, but…”

He didn’t need to hear Karno continue. He’d already seen her body sprawled on the crosswalk, blood and viscera splattered everywhere.

Humans prayed to the gods to grant their wishes, but Leon had no one to pray to.

v.

Gods didn’t fail.

They were perfect beings that naturally excelled at everything. That was how everything was and always will be.

But after holding her limp body against his chest for the nth time, Leon didn’t think so anymore.

vi.

If this world was the King’s doing, Fate’s doing, or some sick being’s doing, then they were truly despicable in the worst ways.

Leon looked everywhere, but he couldn’t find a single trace of her in this world. He went to the planetarium and asked her friend Hiyori about her, but she only told him that no one of that name ever worked there. Her ever-cozy apartment was vacant, with no sign of anyone ever living in it. Hell, he even checked her family registry only to find out her parents never had any children.

It was utter blasphemy for her not to exist. No one among the gods could fathom his grief, not Karno, not Zyglavis, not even Hue. To them, Leon holing himself up in his private flower field was just another show of his apathy toward everything and not a means of escape from his dreadful reality.

So be it.

He would leave this world and let it rot like the trash it was. A world without her in it wasn’t one worth living in.

vii.

Leon already stopped counting when he reached the thousands. Snapping his fingers was growing tiring at every failure he’s lived through, and the gods have noticed his growing disdain for the universe.

The King had told him once before that gods loved all beings equally.

However, all Leon could think of was how fast this world could end.

viii.

Supposedly, as a god, Leon had all the time in the world. In theory, it made sense. Gods were immortal by nature, and the long stretch of time was nothing to the lifespan of a god.

But if Leon was being honest, his greatest enemy wasn’t the Department of Punishments or even the King.

It was time.

There was never enough time to prepare himself for her inevitable death. There was never enough time for him to save her.

(How he wished to grab time by its throat and crush it with his hands, so that it would know at least a fraction of his pain.)

ix.

Maybe, Leon thought, he should just ask her to wish for his unconditional success.

(He stopped for a while and asked himself if it was possible for gods to go insane.)

x.

Why?

Why are you still so selfless even after everything?

xi.

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

xii.

He still had one last option, one last trump card he’s kept to himself all this time. If he used it, he’d be breaking not only the laws of the heavens, but that of the universe as well—of reality itself.

But that didn’t matter to him. It never did.

He’d told her this before, and he’d say it forever:

If loving you is a sin, then let me be a sinner.

xiii.

None of the other gods could hold Leon down in his divine form. The King himself tried to step down and intervene, but Leon was stronger. No one in the world could ever hope to understand his grief.

It was for her alone.

He would become an existence far beyond the god of Leo; he would be her direct antithesis—selfishness itself.  The universe would be rewritten according to his terms, and his terms alone. She would never again be hurt by anything or anyone.

He would specifically make it a universal law to never have her be hurt.

“Please, think about what you’re doing!” Karno yelled at him. “You can’t just destroy everything like that!”

Leon only held her in his arms tighter, the light around them becoming blinding.

Even the scorpion couldn’t hide his panic. “You’re messing with shit beyond our realm!”

“Leon, this isn’t what I—” she tried to plead with him, but he only smiled at her.

Now I can finally—

“Leon! Stop!”

—grant your wish.

xiv.

He sat alone on his throne, marveling at his new creation. The threads of his new cosmos were beginning to form, and he was satisfied. Everything was just as it should be.

“Leon,” said a low voice from the end of the hall. It was Huedhaut, still in his divine form.

How impertinent.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Hue said. His eyes blazed a cool, blue fire.

“Oh, I do. But feel free to enlighten me.”

“You—you’ve tampered with something that shouldn’t be touched,” he said. “You may be a god, but you have no right to just change the order of the universe—even if it was for her!”

I would’ve expected you of all people to understand, Hue.

“Maybe not. But well, I’m not a god anymore, you see. I’ve become something far beyond that, so I doubt it’s in your best interest to defy me like this,” Leon said, a deadly grin on his face.

“I won’t just let you do this, Leon.” Hue channeled his energy into an orb, aiming it at Leon.

“Before that, let me ask you something,” said Leon. “Why are you missing stars in one eye?”

“You know exactly why—”

With a snap of Leon’s fingers, Huedhaut reverted back to his regular Wishes uniform, his godly form nothing but an afterthought. He stood there, dazed at the sudden shift of power in him.

“Let me ask you again. Why are you missing stars in one eye?”

Hue’s expression became clouded, like he was trying to decipher the world’s mysteries. He held up his hand to his right eye, but his face remained troubled.

“II’m not sure…was it always like that…?”

If Leon were still his old self, he would’ve felt guilt at meddling with his friend’s memories. All he could feel now, however, was impatience.

“Yes, it was. But don’t worry, I’ll give them back to you on one condition.”

“What is it?”

“Don’t interfere.”

If loving you is a sin, then let me be a sinner.

?.

Donning his human disguise, Leon visited the planetarium roof—the place where it all began—and he hoped to find her there.

Sure enough, she stood at the balcony, hands clasped in prayer at the stars. He felt his heart break at the sight of her smiling so openly.

How long has it been since he last saw her smile?

Too long.

“So, are you making a wish?”

She turned to him, startled, before giving a reply. “Well, um, I’m sorry I didn’t see you there, sir. Are you hoping to ask more about the Star Tour package?”

She was still the same flustered goddess she’s always been. His eyes narrowed in affection.

“I’m talking about the stars,” he said, pointing up. “Do you actually believe wishes come true when you wish upon them?"

“Oh…well, I guess I do. It’s nice to think that there’s someone out there who can hear me.”

I will always hear you, so you can wish for anything you want.

“Is that so?”

“Yes…” she said, trailing off. “Honestly, this is going to sound weird, but I feel like my wishes always come true when I see a shooting star. I guess I’m kinda lucky in that sense.”

I’m glad I could make you happy here, then. Never stop smiling, my precious goddess.

“But you know,” she turned back to the stars, a faraway look in her eyes. “Sometimes, it all feels strange. Like I’m supposed to be somewhere else, and that this isn’t real at all...”

He felt a surge of divine power come from her, and he knew that this was her innate selflessness rejecting the very nature of this universe, which was borne from his own selfish wish. If he let her power run amok, she would surely choose to restore everything back to what it once was, and he couldn’t let that happen. Not after everything they’d been through.

I’m sorry.

Leon immediately embraced her as tightly as he could, both to repress her power and to feel her softness against him. It had been far too long since he held her like this, far too long since he felt any semblance of peace. He couldn’t stop his tears from falling.

“You’re perfect,” he told her gently. “You should stay exactly as you are.”

“Um, s—sir?” She was obviously confused at his sudden boldness, and the power that once flowed from her halted to a complete stop at her shift in mood.

This is all for you. It always has, and it always will be.

He stepped away from her, taking in the apple-red blush on her cheeks. He’d missed this more than anything.

“Just as I thought,” he said. “The stars in your eyes really are the most beautiful.”

He knew she was probably confused—but that was okay. He didn’t want her to suffer with the burden of knowledge; she never should. Maybe the day will come when her memories come back, but for now, all she had to do was be happy.

He’d promised himself on that day so many, many years ago that he’d grant the wish of that little goldfish girl.

And that was all that mattered.

[sonofthecarver]

doin this trend for most of the main pcp deities i work with so heres my patron, The Carver

General Questions:

1. What is the name of the entity and what is their canon universe? 

The Carver, The King of The Infernous, Emperor Hash'bor'kanibal

The Arkn Mythos 

2. What drew you to this entity? What drew you to their world?

I was introduced to the Arknverse through my partner and I felt a strong pull to him. 

The series is one of my favourites, and, although it took me a while, I eventually csme to him and asked if I could worship him. 

3. Did you choose them or did they tap you? How?

A bit of both, as I felt a pull to worship him, and I wanted to myself either way. 

4. How do you typically communicate? 

I communicate with him through his designated oracle deck, or through what he likes to call "vibes". 

He radiates a very distinct energy for me, so I can feel his emotions and opinions on my choices. 

5. What role does this entity play in their universe?

Ooh, he plays the role of a chaotic grim reaper, in my opinion. 

He has no true side, he works for himself and his own amusement. 

6. What kind of relationship do you have with this entity?

He is my patron deity, and he has lovingly dubbed me his son.

7. What aspects does this entity reside over?

He is the Dekn Lord of Pain, Torment, Suffering, Torture, Cheese, and sometimes Lettuce, The King of the Infernous, the Arkn Lord of Power and Truths, and The Joy of Fear

8. What kinds of offerings do you/would you give this entity?

He's not picky, but he likes cheese, tobacco, booze (specifically whiskey or vodka), spicy foods, weed, knives, and bones.

Non physical offerings include smoking or drinking in his honor, inflicting pain, and drawing blood.

9. What kinds of animals, stones, elements, plants, etc do you associate with this entity? Why?

His symbols are knives, sickles, devil motifs, skulls, cigarettes, blood, crowns, his devil mask, cleavers, guns, and the Dekn Symbol. 

His sacred animals are predators, and his element is fire. 

He likes any darkly colored stones, especially red calcite and bloodstone.

10. Are there any songs, books, or quotes you associate with this entity? Why?

He enjoys Ghost and a lot of more folksy type of songs like "The Devil Wears a Suit and Tie" and "In Hell I'll Be In Good Company".

11. How and when did you first encounter them as an entity? 

I don't exactly remember, but I'd have to say the first time I properly felt his presence in my room was when I was sick, and he was floating above my bed where I was whining to my boyfriend.

He was teasing me about not being able to handle sickness, but he seemed genuinely concerned about me.

12. How are they particularly involved in your life? Do they teach you anything specific? If so, what?

He's decided he's my father, so he's pretty involved, he hangs around me a lot. 

Not really anything specific, more just tellinge when I fuck up or little bits of life advice. 

13. Do they have any identifying symbols in canon or otherwise?

His sickle, his crown, and his mask are the three I can think of. 

14. Do they have alternate versions, verses, or canons? Do you communicate with all or some of them?

I'm sure there are, but I don't speak to them. 

Compare & Contrast:

15. Choose an aleady-existing deity from our world that has similar traits to this entity. How are they similar, and how are they different?

My immediate comparsion is Ares. 

They're both associated with violence, and have shown affection for certain mortals that are good at just that. 

The difference is that Carver is much more interested in the one on one intimacy of inflicting pain on one with your own hands, while Ares is a war god, which id the broader type of violence. 

16. Choose 6 tropes this entity may or does fall under. Explain if you agree or disagree, and why. 

Alas, Poor Villain - Absolutely. He's put through some shit that a regular viewer of the series has trouble watching. I know he's considered a villain, yet every time he gets hurt it hurts me. 

The Chessmaster - He succeeded in an eons long plan to trick a literal god, and he always seems to have every piece in his corner in the games he plays. 

Fallen Angel - Within certain Arkn stories, he is considered a once-great Arkn who was corrupted and defected to the Dekn side. 

Laughably Evil - He's absolutely fucking hilarious. 

Body Horror - I've only seen his true form a few times but holy FUCK is it terrifying. 

Heroic Sacrifice - I'm going to say it now, him letting his body be destroyed to create the new universe wasn't done in heroics. 

17. What academic studies or professions do you associate with this entity, and would you study any of them yourself? Why or why not?

Anything with death, history, or psychology.

I would, but he's a been pushing me to persue something I would genuinely enjoy, lile tattooing or computer programming. 

18. What is something surprising you have learned about this entity when working with them? Why was it surprising?

He's honestly so nice if you're nice to him, which was a little surprising because he's very much not a nice guy.

He's extremely protective of his worshippers/children: I had an issue with Ellpagg (an arkn entity) coming after me for a good while, and Ellpagg finally backed off after Carver beat him into the ground and said he'd chuck him in the Infernous again if he ever tried to lay a finger on me. 

(I was in the middle of a math class while watching that happen lmao) 

19. Is there a common misconception about this entity? What parts are true, and what parts are wrong?

That he's evil and only ever seeks to harm people. 

Evil? Yeah basically I can't argue that away he's done some pretty henious shit. 

But if you respect him and his power he won't bother you.

If you taunt him or disrespect him it will not end well for you.

Especially if you try to hurt him. 

Gods help you if you're one of the people stupid enough to try and hex or curse him.

20. Has some aspect of your life, energy, emotion, or other changed since meeting the entity? What would it be like if you hadn’t?

I've gotten better at standing up to people and defending my loved ones (at the downside of my anger issues getting worse). 

I've accepted my anger and rage much better now, and my energy has become more offensive because of his influence. 

People tend to think that his protection his a negative or bad thing when they first sense something touched by him. 

Self & Shadow

21. What are things this deity is capable of helping you with, personally? How?

He helps accept anger, rage, and violent urges as a natural thing not to be ashamed of. 

He'll teach you how to stand up for yourself properly, and when to not take any shit from stupid people.

22. Has this entity ever refused something to you? If so, what and why?

I mean, he probably has but fuck me if I remember what. 

23. What do you want to learn from this entity? Why?

Everything he has to teach me. 

He doesn't exactly sit me down like it's a fucking school lesson, its a more in the moment teaching style. 

24. Is there an end-goal with this entity, or do you plan on continuing a relationship with them?

He's my patron, he's stuck with me until I die. 

25. Have you ever disagreed with this entity? Why or why not?

Oh, all the time. 

Usually he's right, and if I don't agree with him he just let's me do it my way and then when i fuck it up he smacks the back of my head and says "see, dumbass, i told you so."

26. What does working with this entity reveal about you?

That I'm a raging bitch and if you fuck with me or my loved ones I'm not afraid to fuck up your whole life? 

27. What do you think you should cultivate about yourself to better work with this entity? Why?

Should probably stop being so stubborn but that's not gonna happen, he likes the banter. 

Also need to work on my godphone smh. 

28. Do you have any fears or anxieties about working with this entity? Why?

Nope. Not a single one. I'm not afraid of him and he's made it clear I have no reason to feae anything that could come after me because of him. 

29. What about this entity’s canon has impacted you the most? Why?

Just, the philosophy of it all. 

30. What UPG/Headcanon do you have about this entity? Why?

This man likes FNAF songs. 

I am dead fucking serious. 

31. Choose 3 major differences between their world and this one. Do these differences affect how you interact? 

Too tired to do this fully but no, it doesnt affect how we interact. 

He understands me and why I do the shit I do and I understand him and why he does the shit he does. 

(stolen from @highpriestness )