#this idea has been in my brain for a while now. is it scientifically sound? no

[telekitnetic-art]

I’m slightly delirious (I am sick as a dog right now) but I would like to present to this website: an idea for The Last of Us that I’m calling The Salt Method

Basically, salt is a natural anti fungal agent. So, what if you could fight off the cordyceps and zombies with salt? Just throw some salt water on them and watch them run? I don’t See why cordyceps, even if it’s evolved to withstand heat, wouldn’t still maintain its natural properties as a fungi to be weak to salt.

I actually found a study involving how cordyceps reacts to salt solution (I can’t pretend like I understand half of what it says but I’m linking it anyway to seem smart)

Basically what I’m saying is we need an adaptation of the adaptation of TLOU HBO where Pedro Pascal and Bella Ramsey just lug two bags of salt around and sprinkle it on everything like that one chef meme

Now, the downside of this method is that it’s probably very likely that widespread usage would lead to very serious environmental collapse as salt doesn’t only kill fungi but also. Basically any other plant but hey, you can’t make an omelet, etc etc. I also don’t think this would cure anyone who’s infected, I think once ur infected that’s all folks. However, it could trim down the zombies enough for society to not completely collapse question mark?

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi. I’m sending this anonymously but if tumblr glitches and it isn’t anonymous please don’t post this because I’m absolutely completely entirely mortified.

I’m 20 FtM. About a year and a half ago, when I moved out and started at college, I discovered fandom, and began to get really into reading fics on AO3. My parents had heavily restricted my internet access growing up, and as new adult I began to discovered the barrage of content online.

Soon enough, I was spending about an hour or two every night reading smut fics. I never thought anything of it, because, well, it’s just words, it’s not *actually* porn, right?

Recently I did start watching some explicit videos but tried to limit myself to only once or twice a month because the shame I felt as well as the strange dissatisfaction just wasn’t worth it.

After doing some research, I found a study that said that watching porn for more than an hour a week was unhealthy. I thought, yeah, okay, fair enough.

Then I realised: does my fanfiction reading count as pornography?

I kept thinking to myself that because it was text it didn’t count, but —does it? Is that the reason that lately I’ve been feeling strangely dissatisfied and empty after reading/watching? Will I feel like this when I eventually have sex?? (still a virgin, mainly for dysphoria reasons)

I found all this stuff online that says porn addictions can screw you over for life, that you can’t find sexual satisfaction with a partner.

Should I cut back?

I don’t normally masturbate while consuming porn. I feel too ashamed. I normally just sit there and read/watch.

Am I a porn addict?????? Should I quit reading smut? Help.

If you can’t tell, I wasn’t raised in a very sex positive environment and I feel very ashamed. I don’t really know who to talk to and I just feel very guilty so I’m resorting to an anonymous ask on Tumblr.

If you read this, thank you for taking the time. I appreciate it.

— Jason

hi Jason,

I don't think you're a porn addict. I think you're probably just an anxious 20 year old from a pretty restrictive background and now that you have a little more freedom you're kind of nervous about it, which is very normal.

I want to be super clear: written porn is porn. porn is any sexually explicit material designed to titillate; it's existed since WAY before the moving picture existed and it will exist long after the internet has crumbled to dust. people like porn! and it's okay to like porn. the text-based stuff is particularly high on the list of porn that's pretty unambiguously fine, morally-speaking, because you never have to worry that the performer you're watching has had their video stolen by pornhub or that, god forbid, anyone onscreen isn't a willing participant, but I want to be super clear that liking sexually explicit photos or videos of real people is also 100% fine.

obviously I have no idea what study you read, but I'd be cautious about any study being boiled down to such black and white, attention-grabbing headlines. you can interpret a study to mean virtually anything if you want to, and there are a lot of interest groups with a vested interest in demonizing porn. if reading smutty fan fic makes you happy and isn't interfering with the rest of your life, you should do that.

unfortunately it sounds like it's not making you happy lately, dissatisfied and empty feelings. in the kindest way possible, I don't think much of that is being caused by the porn itself. it sounds like it's coming from your gnawing worry that you're a porn addict. maybe it's best to take a little step away from porn and smutty fic for a while, if only until you feel able to engage with it without feeling bad.

also, speaking of porn addiction: that's a very dubious condition, and one that's not scientifically or medically recognized. to be certain, people can develop a reliance on porn that disrupts their daily function and can wreak havoc on their lives, but that's true of anything that causes your brain to spit out happy chemicals. anything that become a maladaptive coping mechanism, including and especially things that are fine and even necessary in small doses. sleeping, exercising, and going shopping are all things that can be life-ruining if done to harmful excess, but that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong if you like to sleep in, go for runs, or browse your favorite online stores every once in a while.

if reading smut isn't causing you to skip out on your more important obligations, fail to take care of yourself, or bringing on bankruptcy, I think you're probably alright. the biggest danger I see here is you beating yourself over the head with your own anxiety about this, which may be a sign that it's a good idea to take a step back for entirely different reasons than you were worried about.

[imkillerbae]

Heya! Thank you for adding some fanfictions to the thread, it's so empty recently.

How about something with Sova? Could be anything of your choice.

Heyooo!!!! THanks for requesting and sorry if this took so long to make.

And you're welcome! I'm glad I could contribute to the simping.

I LOVED writing this and had so many ideas. But I settled for something fluffy ehehe self indulgent stuff. anyway, here's Sova being a simp, cool reader, God mi heart. This is my most favorite one that i've wrote probably. Enjooy!!!

Say So (Valorant Sova x Fem!Reader)

Summary:

Sova’s artificial eye is acting up, and he needs help with it. Sage knows nothing about biocomponents, and the two young engineers were too experimental, so he approaches Y/N, also someone with artificial parts, for help.

Words: 2k

CW: Slow burn, FLUFF, lots of blushing, Sova the Shy bear, lots of inner monologue from him. just lots of fluffiness.

(Please listen to Avenue Beat's cover of Say So, originally by Doja Cat, while reading this.)

----------------------------------

🎶 Why don’t you say so? 🎶

Sova held this eye pain in for a while now. He didn’t like the idea of anyone tinkering with his artificial eye, but this was getting too painful.

He was reading ‘We’ by Zamyatin when it just busted on him, giving him a small jolt of electricity in the head. He felt that the thing was in some sort of disrepair, but he didn’t like asking for help with something so sensitive. Clearly, he made a mistake. Since this thing is so close to the brain, he might just deal with a lot more than a nonfunctioning eye. He sighs. He should’ve just asked for help.

Another hindrance was who to ask for help.

His choices were Sage, Raze and KJ, or Y/N.

He respected Sage for her skills in the healing arts but he couldn’t expect too much from her when it comes to eyes made of metal and wires. Plus his history with her? A can of worms he’d never want to open again. As for the two—Raze and KJ—he tried asking for their opinions and he was met with crazy ideas for modification and improvements, things he didn’t necessarily need. Plus, he’s not too fond of the idea of them fiddling with his eye for their own scientific curiosity.

That leaves Y/N.

Y/N was the obvious choice. She really was. She was skilled with biocomponents, she was easy to talk to, kind, generous, perfect. But there was a huge problem.

Sova has a crush on her. Was it called a crush? Do crushes even apply at their age? Point was, he liked her. And he was shy about it.

Y/N was an agent in the protocol who was similar to him, in a sense that she also had some robotic parts to her, namely her arm. The robotic components started from her shoulder, all the way to her fingertips. She was skilled with repairs of that nature. Along with Sage, she was also a medic for the team, both human and non-human. She was the obvious choice.

🎶 It’s been a long time since you, fell in love~ You ain’t coming out your shell, you ain’t really been yourself~ 🎶

Sova was just very shy, it was pathetic. Normally, he never really had any problem telling people what he felt. He openly says I love you all for god’s sakes. But whenever he was with her, he can pretend to play it cool but sometimes he’d zone out staring at her or just stutter on his words. His brain would just be filled with her, in scenarios he’d made in his head. Like how he would take care of her, marry her, take her to his Babushka, all that cheesy stuff. He wasn’t like this normally but his heart just beats faster than a machine gun could fire. He blushed at the thought every time he imagined spending the rest of his life with her. It didn’t help that he looked extremely serious whenever he was thinking.

He sighed. He needed to gain some confidence with her if he ever wanted a chance. Or at the very least, get this eye of his in proper order.

Getting to her door was easy peasy. Knocking was another deal. He stood there quietly with his fist raised, ready to knock, but no sound was emitted. Usually he rehearsed what he needed to say beforehand, but it seems like he couldn’t get his head straight this time.

It’s not that complicated to ask for repairs Sasha. Stop hesitating, he scolded himself. You’re not asking her to a date, you’re asking her to fix your eye. Stop overthinking, it’s not going to happen.

As he was about to knock, his thoughts were interrupted by Breach who was on the other side of the door as it opened. “Oh! Sova! Aye, great to see ya! But I gotta bolt! Thanks Y/N for the advice, haha!” He said immediately, waving at Y/N then at a confused Sova, although you would never be able to tell from his face. As he moved past Sova, Breach muttered “g’luck pal”, but neither Y/N or Sova heard it.

Sova stood outside the door, unblinking at Y/N who had her protection glasses on. “Hello,” she greets, gracefully placing the screwdriver on her desk. She smiles gently, her heels tapping lightly on the floor as she walked closer. The entire room was humming with electricity and the steady air from the vents, but he could hear his heartbeat clearly.

🎶 If you want it, scream it, shout it babe~ 🎶

He clears his throat, dusting his shoulders off. “It seems that I would’ve interrupted something had I knocked a little too early,” he starts, looking at the door, and then at her. He looked at her as discreetly as he could. She was in a white coat, casual clothes underneath. She adjusted the coat to her shoulders before speaking. “Not necessarily, Breach and I were just talking about his arms. He thought I’d be the best at tinkering with that.”

Concentrate Sova. Speak. Speak.

“I concur.” He replies, looking around the room, just anywhere other than her. He was sweating under his shirt, thank God he was wearing white. “So, what brings the big Russian teddy bear into my humble cave?” She teases with a laugh, pulling on his sleeve, beckoning him to walk closer to her walk table. She was professional most of the time, which he appreciated greatly, but it seems that she enjoys making him blush.

He blushes at the nickname, but he holds his breath to deafen the beating of his heart. “I-I’d like to ask for help with my eye. I can’t see anything from it right now, and it hurts.” He explains, leaning on her work table. She pauses for a moment, staring at him, then her expression changes to that of annoyance. “It’s not supposed to hurt. Since when has this been going on?”

“More or less a week. I thought of fixing it myself, which was a mistake.” He admits, ashamed, and she sighs. A hand lands on her hips and she leans on one side giving him an unsatisfied look. “Sova you don’t fiddle with your own eye, artificial or not. You know this. And for a week? This could be serious.” Her shoes tap impatiently against the floor.

Sova scratches the back of his head sheepishly then gives a meek smile. “It was foolish of me to think that it would pass. I’m sorry.” And with that, her expression softens to that of concern. She then reaches for latex gloves on the table pulling it over each hand. “Sit on the table so you’re on my eye level. I need to take a look at that before I pull it out of your eye socket.”

He looked at himself from the distant mirror. He was wearing a white shirt that fit snug enough to show his bulky shape, and dark green combat pants with lots of pockets on them. He fixed his blonde hair, combing it back. Y/N was watching as he did this, and she giggles to herself. She didn’t take him for someone who’s very concerned with his appearance.

“Alright big man. Lean in and let’s see what’s happening here,” she advices to him as she placed herself between his legs, holding a small flashlight with one hand. Sova furrows his brows but hesitantly complies. “Closer,” she says sharply, and he could feel her minty breath on his lips right now. He was looking to the side as she spread his eyelid open, his eye shaking.

“Look at me,” she whispers, too focused to care about him turning into a tomato, at the mercy of her hands. He then looks into her eyes, saying nothing but feeling everything in his chest.

When they first met, they easily got along. He was generally supportive of everyone, but he always found himself speaking positively about her more than anyone else. She was a team player like him, making use of his intel to clear areas as he watches her back. She’d saved him in the battlefield countless times, he knows he can depend on her with no fail. And his most favorite thing about her is her kindness and positivity. It was something he and the rest of the team needed.

As he thought about all of these things, Y/N repeated her question. He didn’t hear it the second time. “Huh?” He asked again, and Y/N’s eyebrows furrow, chuckling. “I asked if it hurt when I touch this,” she pressed on the side of his sclera, and he finally winces. “Slightly,” he whispered, looking away again and blinking.

🎶 Boy stop playin’ 🎶

“Why are you acting like you’re shy?” She smiles at him, tilting her head to one side, biting her lip. His breath became shallow as they stared at each other’s eyes, in comfortable silence. It felt like a moment was forever before she cleared her throat. “I’ll take that eye from you now, Sova.” She chuckles again.

Getting the eye off of him was not as painful as he would’ve thought, the numbing cream helped. Apparently static electricity damaged it. It was designed to be impervious to static electricity but alas, accidents happen. The inside of his eye looked fine minus the minor bruising, and she reassured him that seeing his eye like this didn’t bother her at all. “Sova I’ve dug out bullets from your shoulders with my fingers, don’t act like seeing your healed eye is something I’m not used to.”

As she worked, they talked about anything and everything that came to mind. How their day had been going, how was work, how was home. The conversation never seemed to end with the both of them.

“So, here’s what I’m advising. Take these anti-biotics every 6 hours, make sure you’ve eaten before though. I’m out of stock on the eyedrops but I’ll let you know when I have them again. In the meantime, stop touching it and make sure your hands are clean,” she slaps on his hand playfully, and he just huffs, the corner of his lips tugging slightly upward. “Thank you, Y/N. You are… wonderful.” He breathes out the compliment, smiling to himself.

🎶 Why you beatin’ round the bushn’~ 🎶

She returned his smile and crossed her arms. “You always say that. But thanks,” she shrugged, leaning on the wall, standing across him as he remained sitting on the table. He grits his teeth.

“I mean it. You are.”

“Yes. I know you mean it.”

“Y-you’re very wonderful. Kind, and beautiful. You smell great.”

“Uhuh? Thanks… haha.”

God what was this sudden urge to… to speak up? He didn’t know why but he needed to close this distance. It was gnawing at him. He couldn’t let this moment, this chance slip by him. He had to seize it. He internally fought the urge to chicken out and took a deep breath.

🎶 Knowin’ you want all this woman, never knock it till you try~ 🎶

He suddenly stood up and walked towards her, and she jolted upward out of instinct, one hand on her chest. He was a hunter after all, he could be intimidating. But everyone who knew him would say otherwise.

“I was wondering if you’d want to… come with me sometimes. I know a good place for coffee, we could come by after you take inventory of supplies. I think I could be of use in that department.” He asked spontaneously, his mouth stuck in a half smile as he realized what he’d said.

Y/N’s mouth was open, her eyebrow raised in shock. She was fighting the urge to laugh at his proposal. That was sudden, she thought. “W-wait, wait, are you asking me out? For coffee?” She asked, eyebrows furrowed and smile suppressed. He cleared his throat and looked around.

“Yes, I thought it would be a great idea to repay you for all of the help you’ve given me, digging out bullets from my flesh and all.” And with that, her room was filed with laughter, her laughter, a sound he’d come to love. “Yes, of course, I’ll take that offer. And maybe you’d like to show me some of the photographs you’ve taken of Russia? I’d love to see them.” She giggled, holding on his arm and squeezing gently.

His eyes widened. He was elated that she said yes that he almost didn’t hear her request. “When we both have free time, I’d like to take you there myself. My babushka makes great pastries.” He chuckles, his cheeks dusted with pink. Her hand trailed upwards from his elbow to his shoulder, then it settles on his cheek. Caressing it slightly, she then pinches it between her fingers, tugging. He winces.

“Let’s do the coffee thing first. Then we’ll talk about the second date.” She rolls her eyes teasingly. God he was on cloud 9 right now. He was confident that she’d say yes, but he was overthinking things. He should’ve just done this way earlier. “I’ve been meaning to ask you out for a long time now…” he admits, scratching his cheek with his finger. She then chuckles back.

“I’d let you had I known it. Why don’t you say so?”

[nitewrighter]

tbh the only way I could see a Dramatic Confrontation™ happen between Clark and Lois happen is if both Clark and Lois put off actually talking to each other when they both clearly want to be open about Clark's big secret with each other to the point where one or both of them assume the worst. But aside from all that, I'd laugh my ass off if Jimmy's esoteric alien "knowhow" all comes together in such a way that it allows the trio to understand Jor-El despite the language barrier.

I'd also accept Jor-El's engram just... I dunno, speed-reading the entirety of Earth's internet offscreen in an attempt to learn English... only to engage in the most cringeworthy "How do you do fellow kids/Earthlings" type of dialogue possible to the point it circles back to endearing.

Gooodddd yes the fact that Jimmy's been firing off straight up DC lore while sounding certifiably insane is such a good gag but I would love love love if it really came in clutch. Heck, he already indirectly helped Lois figure out Clark's identity because they went the "Weekly World News" route.

Also yes, I'm also really curious as to how they're going to breach the Kryptonian language gap with Jor-El. I like my Jor-El being a liiiiiittle bit of an asshole, because it's not actually Jor-El, it's more of a Kryptonian AI mapping of him and AI's are only as good as their inputs and, like all algorithms, without consistent data input they can heavily skew over time. Like the "so close and yet so far" tragedy of Kandor, I love the Jor-El AI hitting its limitations, because this isn't a flesh and blood person, but rather everything a flesh and blood person jammed into a computer program in the last days of a dying world, and once that AI starts taking in data from Clark's world, you can't actually say this is how the real Jor-El would react to Earth, because it's an AI built for a specific purpose, you know what I'm saying?

Clark: I was trying to save him! I really was! But now he has those burns and he hates me and he says I undid years of his scientific research! Did I do the right thing?

AI Jor-El: Hm. Was his brain at risk?

Clark: What?

AI Jor-El: Does this world not... preserve its scientists' brains after death and keep them in suspended animation with a thought-recorder continuing to take down all of their ideas?

Clark: N-no?

AI Jor-El: Oh. Well, I've got nothin'.

[zaharya]

Hi!

I've read your post on the science of ADHD and was wondering if you could help me? (Feel free to say no!)

I'm trying to find articles on that symptom where you're unable to do anything even when you want to. Tumblr seems to refer to it as Executive Dysfunction, but since that term is very broad I have been unable to find anything specifically on the above symptom. Do you have any tips? Do you have any idea whether it has a more defined "name"?

Again, don't feel any pressure to answer!

Kind regards,

Hello!

Well, I can try to help 😅

Ah, yes. I'm afraid that executive dysfunction is in fact the official scientific / medical term for this, and there isn't a more defined name for this – at least not an official medical or scientific one. But I see how that might be a bit frustrating when looking for resources to deal with a specific issue or situation.

Just to clarify, what kinds of "articles" are you looking for? Scientific articles, or popular media articles / lay literature?

What you could try to look for are specific presentations of ex. dys., specific ways in which it manifests; there are a number of lay terms that describe more specific aspects of it. For example some people talk about "decision paralysis", or "ADHD waiting mode" – obviously neither of those are official terms, but it may help you find more resources on them, especially in popular/non-scientific media.

If you're going for scientific literature itself (which I personally do recommend), consider looking for executive function instead. Executive function is a fundamental cognitive ability and plays a role in many many things, and thus has a lot of research to back it up. Try searching it in connection to ADHD, and that should lead you to some beginning at least.

Now, you say that you couldn't find anything for "that specific symptom" – a lot of the time, it is a matter of recognising how the same concept leads to different outcomes. So even if you don't find articles that describe your exact situation, the concept discussed in the article might still be helpful to understand your specific symptoms. Furthermore, while it is true that this "inability to do the thing" is often based in executive dysfunction, there are also motivational aspects that have to be considered in ADHD. By motivational aspects I do not mean that you do not want to do the thing, or that you are not trying enough to do the thing. Rather, the motivational circuits in ADHD brains are different from those in neurotypical brains, which can thus lead to some difficulties.

I am guessing part of what you are looking for are ways to deal with this kind of issue. In my experience, understanding it helps to work around most symptoms to a certain degree already, so I do thing that learning about the mechanisms of it is beneficial in any case. Still, there are hacks that help with ADHD paralysis – I'll list a few and how they might help. [All of these are based on urgency, novelty, or personal importance, which are generally the factors that determine how well ADHD vibes with a task or activity.]

The three second rule; sounds stupid, but try it out! If you're trying to start doing something that requires you to move (e.g. take a shower, make food, do the dishes – whatever) and you find yourself stuck on the couch/at your desk/in bed/on the floor, take a deep breath, count down from three, and when you reach 0 you have to move. It can be any movement, but since you're not giving your brain a lot of time to think, the easiest movement is usually to get up – which gets you started at the very least. Try to ride that momentum.

Pomodoros; time your tasks for mini-deadline pressure. Pick a thing to do, e.g. you want to draw because you like drawing, then set a timer to around 20-30 minutes (at least that's the norm, but hey you can also do 16 and a-half minutes!). Start the timer, and while it runs you focus only on the previously specified task. When it's done, take a break of 5-10 minutes (again, you do you), then the next timer starts. I use this a lot for studying and writing, because it creates little focus windows that are easier to handle.

Increase or decrease stimulation; music, fidgets, anything that vibes for you. Maybe the hurdle is that you're simply over- or understimulated – play around with your activity-environment to see if it makes a difference!

Body doubling; personal favourite, simply hang out with your friends! The presence of another being/person often helps to stay on task, and it can be energising (at least to extraverts like me)

External incentives or accountability; aka threats and bribes 😏 my favourite variant of this is a concept I introduced on several of my Discord servers – Drabbles for Dopamine, where people literally bribe each other with little drabbles so they do the thing. But this works with anything! Tell your friend that you want to be out of bed in 30 minutes and ask them to check in on you; the pressure of having someone else know often already is enough. If the "threat" of them checking is not enough, add a "bribe" to it, for example a picture of their pet – whatever is at hand and motivates you.

There is more of course, but those are the few that come to mind off the top of my head. Feel free to message me if you have questions about any of them.

Besides that, here are a few links that might be of interest:

Popular / non-scientific sources (sorted by how useful I think they'll be for you)

What is executive function and why do we need it? – How to ADHD (video)

ADHD and Motivation – How to ADHD (video)

Motivation | How to ADHD (YT playlist)

Executive Dysfunction & ADHD - when you can't 'do the thing' (article)

What is executive function? (ADDitude mag article)

Scientific articles / research (no particular order!)

Validity of the executive function theory of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a meta-analytic review

Executive functions and adaptive functioning in young adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder

Are There Executive Dysfunction Subtypes Within ADHD?

Disturbance of the emotion and motivation in the adhd: a dopaminergic dysfunction

Executive dysfunction in attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: cognitive and neuroimaging findings

[sky-chau]

Hey! I hope it's okay to ask for some clarification about your eyepatch post (and I hope I don't offend, I'm asking because I want to get it right while writing it and I'm unsure if Google would be of help here!)

So... What is the eyepatch for? You mentioned going to a pediatric surgeon-- is it for recovery from the surgery? But then you made it sound like this was a long term thing, not a short term thing for recovery-- so are you just able to see better with only one eye? Could it be either depending on the person's circumstances?

What (if anything) determines which eye is covered (assuming both eyes are equally near/farsighted... Or are crosseyed eyes never going to be equal in that way?)

Additionally, what is the name (and purpose, if you feel like it) of the surgery you're referencing? I want to learn more about that as well but I think I can probably Google it if I know what it's called.

Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day❣️

I was actually going to make an update post about the eyepatch/my surgery, so thanks for the reminder!

[Important note about all of this: All of what I am saying is true to my own personal experience with this. This is not medical advice and my experience is not universal. There are many different eye problems that use eye patches for different reasons and I'm by no means an expert on all of them. I'm not even an expert on the issue mine was compensating for.]

When I made the original post I was 30 degrees crosseyed and had persistent double vision as a result of this. (I did see what you replied with on the original post afterwards and I think in your case specifically you might be fine. When I say crosseyed or double vision I'm talking long term and persistent. If you only have double vision while laying on your side or looking at your nose, that's normal from what I've been told.) By the time I noticed I was crosseyed I was already at 30 degrees and struggled to figure out where my mouse cursor was on the screen. I had also already subconsciously developed a habit of closing one eye to compensate. Note that most people notice and report being cross eyed at around 15 degrees. So the fact that it took me until I literally had trouble doing things to realize I had double vision gives you an idea of how long some level of double vision was accepted in my brain as normal. I've likely been at a lower degree my whole life and just happened to notice a significant jump in the past two years.

At the time I had posted the original piece I had just finished up the consultation where they confirm the degree and direction of the cross. So like before they're willing to make any cuts they make sure that they know how to cut or something. The downside of the pediatric surgeons is that if I wanted to know the scientific name of the problem or its corresponding surgery I'd have to have remembered to ask at the time. Big words scare little kids so I'm pretty sure they habitually use the dumbed down explanations. Which I didn't notice until just now.

Now I'm actually post surgery. It's been almost two weeks now. My eye looks absolutely gnarly and hurts quite a bit but I don't have to wear the patch anymore and I can actually force the problematic eye to look in the correct direction (or close to it) which isn't something I was able to do before the surgery. I've been told I won't be seeing the full benefits of surgery until a few months have passed. Also my eye is gonna continue looking gnarly for the same amount of time.

The actual vision quality of that eye isn't effected by the surgery. It's not Lasik. They played with the muscles that tell the eye where to look so it should be more in line with where my brain thinks it's looking.

My eyes are a bit weird. One has better vision at a distance and the other has better vision up close. The theory as to how I got a lazy/crosseye is that I went too long without updating my glasses prescription and spent a lot of time favoring one eye over the other depending on what I was looking at. Since my prescription wasn't quite right my brain learned to ignore one eye because it's vision wasn't too hot and basically gave it the invitation to look wherever because the brain wasn't following it anyway. It strays further and further until I have double vision most hours of the day.

When I started wearing an eyepatch it was because I had already gotten confirmation that wearing one wouldn't make the issue any worse and I couldn't see where things were accurately. Like I'd reach out to grab a thing and my hand would go straight through the ghost image (from the lazy eye). Both images look ghostly it's just one is from an eyeball that's not actually looking in the direction my brain thinks it is and is therefore way off.

What eye the patch was on did matter as a result of this. If I put the patch on the wrong eye my entire sense of balance went out the window. Because the brain is interpreting my surroundings based on where it thinks my good eye is looking, so when it only has the misbehaving eye it doesn't compute and I walk like I'm drunk, bumping into things.

I bumped into things (usually street signs or people) with the patch on the correct eye too but, that's just the fact that I had no peripheral vision on the side with the patch. So yeah, my friends got in the habit of putting themselves on the side with the patch when we walk together so I don't hit my head on the many temporary stop signs (lots of road construction in the area.)

But yeah. I'm recovering from surgery now and am cleared to go back to work on Friday. But I will still be recovering and healing for the next few months. I'm sorta relearning how to see and hand eye coordination is a part of that. I'm not gonna push myself too hard drawing wise. Gotta keep it fun because yeah, everything feels really weird and I don't wanna frustrate myself over relearning how to drive my hands.

Feel free to reblog this or ask other questions. I don't mind.

[liarcanum]

The MEXT Scholarship Saga: Trials, Tribulations, and Triumphs.

Part 1: Paperwork Pandemonium

Crafting a research proposal has been a dounting experience. The proposal needed to be innovative and interesting enough to convince the embassy commitee and with a strong connection with Japan, crucial criterion for approval, while also being rigorous and pragmatic to appeal to a university professor; all skillfully contained in a document of maximum two pages.

I started working seriously on it around six months before the application opened. I thought it would be sensible to focus on expanding the topic of my Master's thesis.

I was worried about having too little time, so I decided to take a strategic approach by cross-referencing potential universities, supervisors, and research gaps. To put it simply, I first looked for universities offering science programs in English. Then, I identified professors whose research interests aligned with mine. Finally, I reviewed the "Future Perspectives" sections of their most recent scientific articles to develop a research plan from there.

Although it sounded promising on paper, it didn't take me very far. Even after discovering some interesting inputs, the main issue remained: I didn't know how to craft a research proposal in my field. I was unsure how in-depth I needed to go or how to assess the feasibility of a project within a three-year timeframe. To address this, I began reading papers that presented results from similar projects to identify common steps in this type of research.

While it helped clarify the general research structure, I still couldn't understand how realistic completing the project within the typical 3 years long PhD was.  In addition to that, I was beginning to realise that I wasn’t finding the topic too compelling.

Frustration was starting to bottle up, so I decided to take a break for a few weeks. I was so disoriented that I almost gave up the whole scholarship.

Then, my university notified me about a series of seminars on the new frontiers of medicinal chemistry. Honestly, I wasn't expecting much from it, but during the first lecture, I heard about a topic that piqued my interest. That same afternoon, I started doing some research and reading articles and in a couple of days, I had the embryo of a research idea.

If previously the process felt stagnant as a pond, now my brain was a river in flood. Over the next two months, I immersed myself in the topic. I envisioned how other research could be morphed into my own idea and pinpointed experiments that could be adapted for my project. Piece by piece, my proposal took shape.

Simultaneously, I sought out and discovered connections between my research and Japan to tackle the three questions on the application form. Once I pinpointed my research topic, linking it to Japan became relatively straightforward. My research aims to find new solutions for an illness prevalent among the elderly, so I emphasized how it could alleviate the burden on Japan's national health system, given the country's aging population. Given the similar demographic trends in my own country, it was clear how my research could help build a bridge between our nations.

I was happy about the overall result and at that point I was certain I would have applied for the scholarship, therefore I started to prepare the other documents.

Despite not being as challenging as writing a research proposal, it was still incredibly time-consuming. The guidelines included a table spanning two pages, listing all the necessary documents. Fortunately, I was exonerated from providing some of them. In the process, I discovered a newfound passion for Notion and Excel, using it to keep track of every application item and requirement meticulously.

Some documents, such as the official transcript or graduation certificate, were easily obtainable from my university portal. Similarly, getting the recommendation letter was also an easy task, thanks to my supervisor at the time who was extremely supportive.

Among the required documents there is the placement form, where the applicant lists three universities and professors who could supervise the project. Actually, the document is irrelevant until the very last phase of the selection (when the applicant must send the LoAs to the embassy), yet I wanted to have a list of at least 4/5 Universities. The time slot applicants have to request letters is approximately 1 month and I didn’t want to waste it doing research. And thank God I did because finding a prospective supervisor has been on a completely different level. Despite being confident with my proposal, finding gradute schools that accepted students with low Japanese proficiency and had a professor with expertise in my area, along with a clear path to request Letters of Acceptance (LoAs), wasn't easy.

As I usually do, I turned to ScienceDirect. The first thing I did was search for articles published in Japan and look for authors associated with Japanese universities. In this way, I found out that one of the most prolific authors on my chosen topic is a professor at the University of Tokyo. But I wasn't as excited as one might assume: I felt that studying in Tokyo might not have been the best fit for me due to its vast size, bustling environment, and the high competitiveness of the university. Moreover, I couldn’t seem to find clear statements about the minimum japanese proficiency requirements.

Yet there weren't too many alternatives: even though the topic I chose is indeed well-investigated in Japan, most published research came from industrial settings.

Therefore, I started unsing the MEXT Exel file with the list of universities offering English post-graduate programs, with the intention of checking for potential matches university by university. I spent hours and hours navigating universities' websites only to end up in a series of dead ends. But that was due to the fact that I was focusing on the wrong department cathegory. Thankfully, the situation changed once I understood in which area my project belonged to in Japan.

I seemed to find the perfect combination of features at Tohoku University. The professor there had studied under the professor at Tokyo University, his research was highly compatible with mine and the department clearly offered programs in english. However, apart from him, I couldn't seem to find any other viable option. In fact, all the other professors that I found investigated similar topics, but not close enough to mine to give me the impression they would have been willing to supervise a PhD on it, such as one at Osaka University. Contacting them in advance was not an option since the ministry gives clear directions not to contact professors before passing the first screening; and to be frank the prospect scared me, so I simply based my assumptions on my impressions.

I found research group at Hokkaido University, but the English version of their program was not approved by MEXT, which meant MEXT scholars couldn't apply, as stated on their website.

Another professor at Kyoto University wanted to be contacted 2/1.5 years before applying for the scholarship, which clearly made me inadequate.

I arrived at a point where I made one step forward and 10 backwards, therefore I decided to stick with Tohoku, Tokyo and Osaka Universities; hopeful that I my research proposal was strong enough to get at least one LoA.

Closer to the expected application opening date, I started to prepare the remaining documents. By that time I was doing my internship in Spain so I had to do most of the work in a span of two weeks, taking advantage of being back home for easter hollidays.

I collected the JLPT N5 certificate from Ca' Foscari University, Venice (In a stroke of fortunate foresight, I applied for the December exam back in August 2022, before I even knew about the scholarship).

During this time, I also completed the medical certificate, which required a chest X-ray. Although this might seem a bit extreme, it is a highly regarded requirement, especially by Japanese universities. I read online that many applicants undervalue this requirement, which might be a reason for rejection. Fortunately, I was able to get the X-ray done within a few days and had my family doctor fill out, sign, and stamp the form.

After Easter break I took my flight back light-hearted convinced that the only thing left to do was waiting for the embassy to announce application opening. Turnes out I was wrong. Around the middle of April I realised that my IELTS certificate was about to expire and the closest test centre was in Madrid. Even though it isn’t mandatory, I wanted my application to be as strong as possible, so just a week before the expected application date I hopped on a bus before sunrise and took the test. One week later, my 7.5 level IELTS certificate arrived at my house in Italy, and my parents sent me the PDF version to forward to the embassy.

Finally I had all the documents, and by the end of April, I started checking the embassy site daily for updates.

Around April 25th, the title changed from MEXT Scholarship 2023 to MEXT Scholarship 2024. I was eager to send my application, but as I read through the list of required documents, I was struck by a new requirement not listed on the 2023 version: the transcript of records had to be physically stamped by the university; digital stamps would not be accepted. My chest tightened, and I felt a knot in my stomach. With only a month until the submission deadline, I found myself unable to visit the university office in person, as I was in Spain and couldn’t arrange a last-minute flight. Desperate, I contacted my parents, who graciously offered to go to the university office and requested the stamps for me. I was immensely grateful, but knowing how long my university usually took, I was still worried I wouldn't get it in time. Fortunately, my worries were unfounded. The same day my father visited the office, he obtained the necessary stamps. Everything was ready, for real now.

So the 15th of May, after coming back from the laboratory, I sat down to my desk, wrote a short e-mail and attached all the documents required. Shouldn’t have took me more than a few minutes, but I sat there for at least one hour checking again and again for any possible slip or mistake.

Then I hit send.

[makeste]

BnHA 323: “I Don’t Know How to Explain to You That You Should Care About Other People”

Previously on BnHA: Kacchan was all, “Izuku, I’m sorry.” Bakugou Stans were all, “[sobs for a week straight and tearfully awards him the Nobel Prize for character development].” Deku was all, “[faints in Kacchan’s arms].” Iida was all, “[trying to decide if Ochako genuinely tried to kill him a few minutes ago].” Horikoshi was all, “NO TIME FOR HUGS WE MUST GET BACK TO UA.” The civilians holed up at U.A. were all, “WE TOOK A VOTE AND DECIDED THAT WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE JERKS ABOUT THIS AND MAKE A BIG FUSS ABOUT YOU LETTING DEKU BACK INTO THE SCHOOL.” Deku was all “[stands there looking like he expected nothing less and breaking my heart more and more with each passing moment].” Ochako was all, “that does it, looks like I’m gonna have to do something about this... next chapter, that is.”

Today on BnHA: Flashback!Rat Principal is all “I just want you all to know that I spent nine million dollars turning U.A. into a giant Battleship-style grid that can burrow underground and zoom around in a giant subway maze because Horikoshi lacks a grounded understanding of both civil engineering and economics.” Back in the present day, Jeanist is all, “EVERYONE TAKE HEED, MY COMRADES AND I HAVE DEEMED IT EXPEDIENT TO CONVEY THIS AUSPICIOUS YOUTH BACK TO THIS STRONGHOLD. WE ANTICIPATE THAT WE MAY DEPEND UPON YOUR GOODWILL AND ACQUIESCENCE TO THESE TERMS.” The civilians were all, “NO.” Ochako was all, “EMPATHY, MOTHERFUCKERS, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!” The civilians were all, “oh shit.” Anyway so Ochako is a giant badass, but I’m a little worried that she’s going to get struck by lightning. Please come down from there.

so before we start this chapter, I would just like to apologize for having not posted the ch 321 recap yet, and would like to reassure everyone, and especially Iida who is staring at me with Sad Wobbly Guilt Trip Eyes, that I will get to that as soon as I can

OMG FLASHBACK??

yes please Horikoshi please show us more of class 1-A and their Deku intervention strategy jam sessions

oh dear

Iida you are too pure and good for this cruel world. [sprays the U.A. civilians with a water bottle] NO. BAD CIVILIANS! NO OSTRACIZING SCARED AND EXHAUSTED CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE

EXCUSE ME RAT PRINCIPAL WHAT’S WITH THESE MIXED MESSAGES

???

RAT PRINCIPAL: he’s free to return to us at any time!!

ALSO RAT PRINCIPAL: but it’s too risky for him to return to us

?? ??????? ?????????????????????

so now he’s going on about how strong the U.A. Barrier is, and how it’s comparable to the defensive capabilities of Tartarus. this would have sounded a lot more impressive before chapter 297 lol

OH!!!! HELLO, WHAT’S THIS!!!

A TIMELY CALLBACK TO A CERTAIN MYSTERIOUS EVENT WHICH HASN’T BEEN REFERENCED SINCE USJ? [U.A. TRAITOR MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

so now Rat Principal says he upgraded U.A.’s security systems with his own “modifications”, whatever the fuck that means. I mean look, I’ve been saying for a long time now that U.A. is the best place for everyone to hole up, don’t get me wrong. but that was mostly on account of there not being any other practical alternatives. but you’re making it sound like you figured out a way to actually make it Decay-proof or some wild shit like that

-- hold up, DID YOU ADD A FORCE FIELD. DID YOU TRICK THIS SCHOOL OUT WAKANDA-STYLE YOU CRAZY MARSUPIAL. HOLY SHIT. because that would actually be perfect

LMAO

WHAT KIND OF GALAXY BRAIN BULLSHIT. “NAH THERE’S NO NEED FOR A FORCE FIELD, LET’S JUST PUT WHEELS ON IT”

oh okay so the whole campus is basically capable of burrowing itself underground. that’s insane lol I wonder how they pulled that off. probably got poor Cementoss working overtime

blah blah blah so basically the entire campus is split into a grid and each section of the grid is capable of its own independent movement. lol this is just the Merone Base from KHR. you thought no one would notice this casual plagiarism ten years after the fact, but YOU UNDERESTIMATED YOUR AUDIENCE, HORIKOSHI

“joke’s on you imma just lampshade it” WELL ALL RIGHT THEN

“look at me I’m so fucking self-aware” fucking swear to god. I can’t believe this man is my favorite mangaka of all time smdh

“excuse me, I wasn’t finished describing all the rest of this bullshit yet,” Rat Principal breaks in impatiently. “we also added a steel wall all around the underground of the campus that’s 3000 steel plates thick. that’s fifteen fucking meters of solid fucking steel just fyi. and if anyone fucks around with any part of it the defense system will activate immediately! and also all of the plates are independently motorized, whatever the fuck that means!! in conclusion you’re gonna need a fucking tower crane to suspend all of your disbelief by the time I’m through with this paragraph”

“also Shiketsu is almost as reinforced as U.A. but not quite because we still had to make sure we were better.” but of course. and apparently the two schools are connected via a secret tunnel as Hagakure mentioned earlier

LSDKFJLSDKJFLK

“WAIT WHAT” LMAO YOU HEARD HIM, NOW INASA CAN VISIT YOU BOTH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE WEIRD DREAM HE HAD. GOD BLESS YOU HORIKOSHI

(ETA: moment of appreciation for Shouto and Katsuki having the same thought at the same time and making Knowing Eye Contact and saying the exact same thing out loud in perfect unison like the best friends they are. what a blessed day.)

so Tokoyami is all “but wait if you engineered all this shit all the way back during the Band arc how did you even know that Tomura’s quirk awakening would become a thing, Horikoshi -- uh, I mean, Principal Nezu”

and Rat Principal is all “lol idk”

“basically I just woke up one morning and was all ‘say, you know what this school really needs? a fifteen-meter-thick underground steel wall, and the ability to break up into little pieces that individually zoom around wherever the fuck they want.’ jesus christ. lol if money and common sense were apparently no obstacle why didn’t you just teleport U.A. to the fucking moon or something. maybe I should shut up before I given him any ideas

dsfaelkjldkjgl

you heard it here first, folks, all of this cost a grand total of nine million U.S. dollars. well technically it cost “more than” nine million dollars. never has that distinction been more important lmao. are we sure this barrier was really made of steel and not cardboard? who the hell sold it to them, Ea-Nasir??

this is my favorite manga series of all time. yes I am ashamed

“in conclusion please do your best to reach Deku-kun” SO WHAT WAS ALL THAT NONSENSE ABOUT IT BEING TOO RISKY THEN. anyway thank you for this super informative and edifying flashback, Horikoshi. I will cherish it always. I don’t even want to read another translation of this absurdity lmao, there’s something special about it just the way it is. pretty sure Horikoshi just had a cracked out fever dream one night and transferred it to the pages of the manga verbatim

anyway so back to the unruly mob

not their finest moment. please excuse me while I cover poor Deku’s ears and give him a good shoosh pap

oh wow the parents are out here too

is Mitsuki trying to hold Inko back?? that’s the last thing this fandom needs right now is more Mitsuki discourse fffwlkjs. and even Jiroudad, scientifically proven to be the best dad in all of BnHA, is just standing there silently looking vaguely unhappy. way to rise to the moment you guys

MONOMA

so this settles it for me that Aizawa is not at UA. I know a lot of people have been wondering about his whereabouts, and if I had to wager a guess it would be that something happened with Shirakumo/Kurogiri. I can’t think of anything else -- even the loss of an eye and a limb -- that would keep him from his kids at a time like this

anyway but this is excellent Monoma content right here though. I love that he apparently adopted Eri after a single interaction with her. also WHERE IS SHINSOU DAMMIT. THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW

and Kouta’s there too looking like he wants to run over to Deku but Ragdoll won’t let him :/

it’s gotta be pretty upsetting for him to see his hero like this and not having anyone stand up for him. [taps megaphone] IS THIS THING ON. OKAY YEAH IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING. AHEM. PAGING URARAKA OCHAKO. GONNA NEED YOU TO GET OVER HERE ALREADY AND MAKE THAT BIG DRAMATIC SPEECH WHICH YOU ARE CLEARLY DYING TO MAKE. IF YOU DON’T DO IT SOON I’M GONNA HAVE TO STEP IN, AND YOU REALLY DON’T WANT ME TO DO THAT SINCE MY SPEECH WILL NOT BE VERY GOOD OR INSPIRING, AND WILL PROBABLY JUST CONSIST OF “HELLO, YOU ARE ALL STUPID, PLEASE SHUT UP AND GO AWAY”

so now Mic is telling them to calm down. at least someone’s speaking up here, geez

OH MY GOD

MY MAN JEANIST OUT HERE DOING WHAT HE DOES BEST: MAKING EVERYONE FEEL GUILTY AND JUDGED

OH MY GOD HE IS GIVING SUCH A LONG AND BORING SPEECH LMAO IS YOUR STRATEGY TO PUT THEM ALL TO SLEEP OR WHAT

truly in awe of this man’s ability to take messages which could easily be conveyed in ELI5-speak, and stubbornly convert them into incomprehensible language the likes of which you need a graduate degree in order to understand

“hey guys, so originally our plan was to use Deku as bait for the villains, but that didn’t really work and also we realized it was kinda dumb and was probably gonna get him killed, so we brought him back here instead.” was that really so hard, Jeanist. also are we all really just gonna sit back here and watch Jeanist take full credit for Bakugou’s plan just like that lmao

(ETA:

WHERE DID ENDEAVOR GO AND WHO IS THIS DIABOLICAL MASTER OF DISGUISE. lol I genuinely didn’t notice this because I was too busy digging through thesauruses trying to rewrite Jeanist’s speech; many thanks to @class1akids​ for pointing it out and making my day immeasurably better. take it easy there Dick Tracy.)

“anyway so please stop being dicks and let him fucking rest so he can save all your ungrateful asses” what an impassioned and inspiring plea. time to see if the masses will listen to reason

narrator: they did not listen to reason

oh my god finally Ochako is doing something. YEAH OCHAKO WOOOO SHOW THEM HOW IT’S DONE

hmm

this entire chapter is truly and utterly nonsensical to me lol

(ETA: on my second readthrough I’m fucking dying at how she stole the megaphone right out of Mic’s hand lmao. and how Kacchan is all “fuck yeah nothing I appreciate more than some quality fucking larceny.”)

oh I see she was jumping on top of the main building so as to scream down at them all more impressively

“ANYWAY DEKU IS PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY, YOU GUYS ARE JUST MEAN” couldn’t have said it better myself Ochako

lol uh

gotta say I did not have “Ochako reveals the secret of OFA to the entire U.A. Citizen Clown Parade” on my bingo card for this week. it’s a bold strategy cotton let’s see if it pays off

SDLFKJSL

“NO, SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU LOOKED AT HIM YOU GUYS. YOU THINK HE LIKES RUNNING AROUND DRESSED LIKE A RUSTED OIL DRUM?? HE DID THAT FOR YOU YOU UNGRATEFUL SLOBS”

so she is basically explaining the entire Deku Angst arc to them and explaining what a good and selfless protagonist Deku is, YES, PREACH

OMG IT’S THE GIGANTIC FOX LADY

not to insinuate anything, but what exactly were you doing standing out here with the hysterical mob, Gigantic Fox Lady? you’re better than that

-- KACCHAN SIGHTING!!

sdlkfjl. thanks for weighing in with that helpful and important observation. where have you been for the last five minutes. were you asleep. was it Jeanist’s speech

never mind, now he’s yelling at the civilians so I instantly forgive him

THE FUTURE NUMBER ONE HERO, EVERYONE. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. HE’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK

“anyway so I’m just going to end the chapter here” lmao seventeen pages truly do go by so fast. at least he didn’t try to force in a cliffhanger at the end this time. dare I say, growth

so I guess the civilians are either gonna have a Kamino and/or Fukuoka-esque moment where they remember how to be decent people and apologize to this poor young man, or else they’ll remain unpersuaded, and so Kacchan will have to knock a few of their heads around until they become more inclined to be reasonable. either option is fine by me lol

[ddarker-dreams]

Live and Learn. Yan Albedo x Amnesiac Reader [COMM]

Warnings: Yandere themes, unhealthy relationships, drugging and amnesia.  Word count: 3k.

i.

“Your name is [First].”

“My name is [First].”

“You’ve lived in Mondstadt your whole life.”

“I’ve lived in Mondstadt all my life.”

“You’re staying with me, the Knight’s of Favonius’ Chief Alchemist, until your lost memories return.”

“I’m staying with you, the Knight’s of Favonius’ Chief Alchemist, until my lost memories return.”

You’ve never understood the point in repeating this humdrum mantra every day. Albedo’s remained insistent on it despite your reservations — claiming it’s important to engrave this into your brain — yet you can’t help but find it redundant. The basic information isn’t what you’re concerned about, it’s filling in the rest of the gaps that matter. Still, it does you little good to express this frustration with him. There’s no changing Albedo’s mind once it’s been made up. If he says it’s going to help, you’ll take his word for it.

He is doing you a favor, you remind yourself. A rather generous one at that.

“How did things go today?” You inquire, setting your latest book aside to give Albedo your full attention. This is one of the few works of fiction in his possession. While it makes sense that someone like him would prefer in-depth encyclopedias and papers filled to the brim with scientific jargon, it makes for a dreadful read. Even more so when you need to entertain yourself for hours on end.

“I’ve made considerable headway in my Dragonspine expedition,” he stretches his arms above his head. “Though, there’s still much to be done. I never imagined it would be so difficult to get all my equipment up a mountain.”

Albedo’s lips twitch into a frown when you laugh at his complaint.

“Well, it is a mountain. An incredibly cold one at that. I hope you’re not working your poor assistants to death.” You faintly recall both their names — Timaeus and Sucrose, if you’re not mistaken — you wonder if you’d ever met them before all this.

He’s doesn’t linger on the subject of his assistants, instead returning the conversation back to you. “They’ll manage. How are you feeling? Have you noticed anything abnormal? Tell me everything, no matter how small you consider it to be.”

You wonder why Albedo’s so disinterested in speaking about anyone other than you. Could it be out of consideration for your feelings? Or did he never know about your relationships with others before he took you under his care? It’d be a shame if it was the latter, since Albedo currently acts as your sole connection to the past; gaining insight on your previous friends might even help kickstart your memory. At least, that’s what you thought until he waved the idea away. Something about “not wanting to overwhelm your currently fragile mental state” with unnecessary outside interaction.

Albedo’s waiting for your update, you realize. It might be best to worry about this later. You’ll assume he’s looking out for your best intentions now as he always has, even if he shows it in unique ways.

“Other than the usual headaches, everything’s been about the same. I just… kinda wish I had more to do, y’know?” You accentuate this by offering your brightest, most enticing smile. It doesn’t feel right to complain given the circumstances, so you hope by phrasing it in a lighthearted manner, he won’t take offense. The guilt you were intending to keep at bay creeps up when his shoulders droop, a mannerism that doesn’t get unnoticed. His face stays impassive, but you can already tell something is off, anxiety flowing through your veins at the thought of potentially upsetting him.

Raising your hands in defense, you rush to defend yourself. “I-I don’t want to sound whiney or anything! I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, especially since you’re so busy; having to take care of me on top of your normal workload is already an extra burden.”

“No, it’s fine,” he shakes his head at your nervous rambling and you hold your tongue to prevent further embarrassment. “You’re right. Before you started staying with me, I’d rarely come back home for anything but sleep. As a result, I’m afraid there isn’t much to do in terms of stimulating activities. I’ll see what I can do to remedy that.”

Relief floods your system at this, your once tense muscles relaxing. “Ah, thank you very much. I’m glad I didn’t come off as ungrateful. That’s the last thing I’d want.”

Albedo gives you a look you can’t quite interpret. Eyebrows furrowing and a hand to his chin, he thinks on your words, before deciding on a tentative response.

“You could never,” he murmurs, suddenly avoiding eye contact. “No, not you… your heart is kind. Too kind, truthfully.”

His comment feels somewhat out of place. You’ve grown accustomed to Albedo’s clinical, almost detached manner of speaking, but this is different. Almost… tender. So why is it that shivers are sent down your spine and the hairs on the back of your neck standing in anticipation? Shouldn’t your cheeks flush and heart fondly thrum at such a sweet declaration? Your biological responses aren’t lining up as they should. It’s only now that you realize just how fondly Albedo’s looking at you. Swallowing thickly, you avert your gaze, your mouth going dry.

Why does it seem so wrong when he looks at you like that? For your body to react subconsciously react so negatively to a non-threatening sight… You feel like you’re missing a piece of the bigger picture.

There’s no time to fixate on the uncanny interaction, as a high pitched noise steals your attention away. This is yet another routine you’ve fallen into with Albedo. When he comes home at the end of the day, the two of you share tea together. He used to brew it for you, but you’ve been beating him to it by boiling the water around the time he normally returns lately. It’s nice to have a sense of structure, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.

Wordlessly, you both set into motion, like all the evenings before. You set out the china and stoke the fireplace while he does the rest. Once he’s satisfied with the coloration, he hands you your specially made drink and takes a seat on the sofa. No matter what it is that Albedo’s doing, he completes it in a thorough manner. It’s one of the many aspects about him that you’ve come to respect. A task as trivial as steeping tea is carried through with perfection. He’s always been insistent on getting the right combination.

It can be a bit intimidating with how flawless he appears to be. Now that he’s watching over your recovery, there’s even more for him to do on top of his demanding schedule. You can’t recall a time he’s ever complained about it, which begs the question. Why exactly is he going to such lengths for you? You’re able to assist with household chores and the like, but everything else is taken care of by him. Albedo’s never so much as asked for a thank you in return. Is it goodwill that’s inciting him to help you? Or a chance to study an amnesia victim up close? You often find yourself wondering where his motivation comes from.

Whatever the case, you’re glad you’re not dealing with this alone. That would’ve been a nightmare.

Not wanting to dwell in your disjointed thoughts, you occupy yourself by starting up a conversation.

“Say, Albedo. What was I like? Before all of this, I mean.” You take a sip of your tea, wincing at the slightly bitter taste. It’s certainly not your favorite flavor, but Albedo’s insistent that you drink all of it. Something about the nutritional value being beneficial to your recovery. When you heard that, you set aside your reservations and made sure to always drink every last sip. Anything that might help you get your memories back is worth the effort, no matter how farfetched.

“Very similar to how you are now,” he sets his cup down with a gentle clink and steeples his hands. “I would go as far as to say the only aspect of you that is different now is your obstructed memory and the confusion that comes with it. Your original mannerisms, personality, and quirks remain intact. ”

Does he consider that to be a good thing? Wanting to know more, you press on. “That must mean we were close if you know so much about me.”

You’ve always been curious about the state of your relationship with Albedo before your current condition. Were you acquaintances? Friends? Or maybe…

“In a way, yes.” He responds without further elaboration. How odd, you think. If there was ever a word you wouldn’t use to describe Albedo, it’s concise. You’re used to him expanding on his thoughts in great detail. Right now, however, he’s closed himself up like a clam. It’s unnerving enough that you shuffle in your seat, hoping to clear the tension in the air. You didn’t feel like you said anything insensitive, besides, Albedo’s not the type to easily take offense.

Unless it hurts him to remember what you were, compared to how you are now.

Luckily, you catch a break. Albedo must’ve caught onto your sulking and decided to explain himself more. For someone who claims not to be the best with social cues, he can read you without a problem.

“You’ve always been considerate of the people around you, and I was no different,” Albedo gazes distantly into the crackling fire. “When I’d be inundated with work, you made it a priority to check in on me, for example. No matter how busy you were yourself. It was… nice.”

Ah. Why does it feel like your chest is clenching?

There’s a part of you that lives in his mind that you might never come to know. Whatever memories he holds — you wish more than anything that you could have them back — but all you’re left with is a sense of profound loss. To know something is missing, with no clear fix is painful. The universe has seen fit to wrong you. Is this the reason he avoids speaking about the past? He truly does know you well. Likely better than you know yourself right now.

Rubbing frantically at the corners of your eyes, you laugh a humorless laugh.

“I’m glad to know I was able to be of use to you once.”

He closes his eyes and you swear you see him smile. 

“Who is to say you ever stopped?”

ii.

Nature is a pleasant escape from your mundane day to day activities.

Lush flora of varying colors bloom en masse by your feet, accompanied by overarching trees and fields of eternal grass. You’re grateful for the fresh air that fills your lungs, an extra spring in your step while you continue foraging for the day. It took a while to convince Albedo that you’d be fine journeying out some on your own. A long array of promises secured your ability to do so. It felt strange bargaining for such a simple freedom, yet he made his opposition sound reasonable. His concern was that you’d manage to get hurt while out on your own.

Your current state indeed leaves you more vulnerable, but you’re still an adult. After making this point — along with a variety of others — he caved. You swore not to stray off the main roads and that was that.

What else do I need to get, you think, raising your handwoven basket to inspect. Hmm, maybe some more apples to bake a pie with. That’d be a nice change of pace!

“Human.”

The new voice startles you from your contemplating, your basket full of fruits and herbs falling onto the ground as a result. You place a hand over your pounding heart and will yourself to stay calm. A young man emerged from the nearby thickets, sporting long silver hair and piercing crimson eyes. His entire appearance is rather roughed up like he’s been living outdoors, dirt patches on his face and clothes.

Wait. Did he just address you as human?

There are too many questions to know where to start, but he gives you no time to ask any of them. His nose twitches and he frantically sniffs in the surrounding air. You remain still as a statue while he steadily makes his way to where you stand. Maybe this is why Albedo’s insistent you rarely leave his residence, to avoid odd interactions such as this. For whatever reason, you don’t sense any malice from his actions and let him do as he pleases.

He sniffs right over your shoulder. “Weird smell.”

“I-I’m sorry?” You squeak, regaining your senses enough to put some distance between the two of you.

Your fallen basket is his next target. He rummages through it, picks out a particular herb, and grimaces. “Don’t eat. Bad.”

The next thing you know, the herb in his hand incinerates with a loud crack. His foreboding comment catches your attention more than anything else. What exactly did he mean by not good? You’re positive Albedo wouldn’t have you consuming poisonous plants. In fact, he’s the one who showed you where to pick this herb, stating its importance in your recovery. It’s the main ingredient for your nutrient-rich herbal tea.

“Bad? How is it bad?” You ask, unable to fathom a world where Albedo would actively let you consume something detrimental to your health.

The stranger taps his forehead and grimaces. “Hurts head. Don’t eat.”

“Makes you… forget.”

iii.

You wanted to trust him.

The guilt that would weigh down on your soul if you falsely implicated Albedo would be too much to bear. When your memories of the past years slipped through your fingers like sand, there was no telling if it would stop just there, or continue eating away at your mind. The thought of being reduced to nothing but a husk haunted you without offering respite. It had been Albedo that offered his quiet yet firm reassurance. It had been Albedo who suggested you stay with him so he could further monitor your condition.

You stare at the murky brown liquid as if it was the devil himself handing it to you.

“Is something wrong?” Albedo tilts his head, his eyes flickering from the cup to you.

“N-no, nothing’s wrong,” you curse yourself for being so readable. “I’m just not feeling up to drinking this tonight. I know it’s good for me and all, but it wouldn’t hurt to pass just this once, right?”

This is meant to be a test. Should he readily accept your excuse without giving it a second thought, you’ll consider the stranger’s warning void. A simple little misunderstanding that no one will need to know about. That way you’ll be able to carry on your recovery in peace and things will remain as they always were.

On the other hand, if he gets upset and demands you drink it, you’ll have your answer. As undesirable as it would be.

A high risk, high reward gamble.

You maintain eye contact with him to make your position clear. This is a decision that you have to stick by, no matter the persuasive tactics he might try and use. There’s too much at stake here to easily give in. Please, please just let this be nothing but a mistake. Let it be another uneventful evening full of conversations on life, dreams, and expressing your thoughts to one another. He wouldn’t betray your trust, right? Not after the lengths he’s gone through to help you?

His lips part to speak and you hold your breath in anticipation.

“How did you find out this time?” Albedo asks the question posed in such a casual manner that it takes a few seconds to sink in.

How can he remain calm? Does he perceive you as so little a threat?

The way he’s acting now is more akin to accepting a minor setback than facing an accusation as grave as actively drugging you. You clearly stated your point, there’s no way he somehow misconstrued your words. The way he phrased it is subjected to your scrutiny, goosebumps dotting up and down your arms at the implication.

“This… time?” Your blood runs cold as you repeat the words back to him. Suddenly, you’re hyperaware of how cornered you are, Albedo’s body positioned right in front of you. He’d likely be able to stop you should you try and leap for a last-ditch escape. If you somehow managed to run, where would you even go? Who would believe your story in your current state? Everything feels like it’s happening at once.

“The first time, I had been careless,” he recalls the memory with a rational tone, almost as if to critique his previous methodology. “I had left some of my sketches of you in various positions in an accessible spot. It had earned a rather… displeased reaction from you.”

Would it matter if you screamed? Would anyone other than him be around to hear your desperate pleas?

He sets the incriminating cup aside. “Back to my original question. If you tell me how you found out the truth, the severity of your punishment will be lessened. I need to know in order to make future adjustments, so please, if you would. Keep in mind that I will know if you are being dishonest.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” The question is meant more to stall for time than anything else. Albedo’s giving you too much information to work with. All you need is a single opening to take advantage of to lunge for the door. Just keep him talking, keep him distracted. That’s the best chance you have here. Archons, to think all this time, you were coexisting with such a malicious person, who held your life in his hands.

You ready yourself to make for the door.

“Because it doesn’t matter what you know now.”

He reaches into his long, white coat, his Vision glowing in preparation for what was to come.

“You’ll forget everything soon enough.”

[agermanadventurer]

A start

Let’s start somewhere shall we?

The German language is generally considered quite hard because of it’s grammar - which is understandable. If you are a monoligual English speaker you have never encountered the different complexities that are going to show up. But have no fear-! All of these things have been learned before and can be learned by you if you aspire to. I am not going to make this blog a step-by-step blog to learn German - I simply don’t have neither the time nor the patience to do that. But I will guide you to some free sources to get started to be able to follow along with other things I’ll be talking about in the future, and these are both things I’ve come across in my studying and also things I wish I had found earlier.

BOOKS (pdfs)

german language course - Simply named German Language Course is a pdf book that is written by several collaborating authors in an effort to create a beginner’s guide to the German language. It’s constantly being improved but the newer version here is lacking a bit and the original release from 2006 linked above is a bit more put together but choose from your own accord.

basic german - Basic German, a text/work book for grammar! Really- there’s a lot of grammar in there but it’s quite easy to navigate and can be useful for anyone learning the language or the grammar. 

mein-deutschbuch.de - Mein Deutschbuch is technically a website but nevermind that. It offers lists of different grammar rules and gives you excercises to practice your grammar. The only downside is that everything is in german. It’s great for more advanced learners though.

pdfdrive.com/german-language-books - And here’s a link to many other free books that can be downloaded.  

YOUTUBE CHANNELS (for language learning)

Get Germanized - A youtube channel dedicated to teaching it’s viewers German and also about the German culture. There are full course German videos only focusing on exposing and teaching as well as shorter videos with cultural comparisons and entertainment. 

Easy German - Easy German publish videos for both advanced learners and beginners. They focus much on teaching spoken German but also talks about grammar,  and they offer new vocabulary. 

Learn German - A channel that uses a simple artstyle to explain different parts of the German language. The channel also sorts their videos after language level so even for someone in level C1 might find something useful in there.   

Learn German with Herr Antrim - Herr Antrim wants to teach you German for free. His videos brings up grammar, pronounciation, and tak about the German culture.

Besides these channels you also have plenty of videos repeating german phrases and vocabulary for when you sleep (can’t really recommend to sleep while you listen to them) and you can sit down and take a few notes from those too if you want to become familiar with the sounds and some of the phrases.

YOUTUBE CHANNELS (for entertainment and exposure)

Hi From Hamburg - Lila is an american who moved to Hamburg and is making videos talking about her experience with it and she makes a lot of videos for simple entertainment. Her channel is one of the few English ones I’m going to include in this list. 

Dinge Erklärt - Kurzgesagt -  Kurzgesagt is a channel with pretty animation explaining different concepts, ideas, and myths in our modern society today. They talk about philosophy, science, religious ideas, psychology, and more.

maiLab - MaiLab is a scientific channel in German. In their videos they talk about various topics within biology, chemistry, psychology, or of different concepts and myths in society today.

Related to maiLab are also channels like Quarks and MrWissen2go.

100SekundenPhysik - For those who are into physics, this one can be intresting for you. 100SekundenPhysik brings up and explains physics, but in German and in short comprehensible videos. 

Dagi Bee - For those not as interested in science, here’s an entertainment channel (and a few more after this). Dagi Bee is a channel created for entertainment, she features music videos, make up and hair turtorials, reaction videos, vlogs and more.

Marvyn Macnificent - Marvyn makes entertainment and vlog videos; challenges, make up tutorials and reviews, collaborations (and videos with friends), and also different types of discussions of other social media figures.

Alycia Marie - This channel is for any make up and cosplay fan. Alycia’s channel is made up of make up tutorials, make up reviews and comparisons, as well as cosplay displays. She also have a second channel for her music.

Other channels like Dagi Bee and Alycia Marie is for example Luisa Crashion and Jasmin Azizam

DoctorBenx - A look into the gaming part of youtube and we have DoctorBenx as a prominent figure on the list. His videos consist of him playin games such as Minecraft and Roblox but also GTA5 and simulator/indie games. He works closely with the youtuber AwesomeElina.

Vlesk - If anyone’s still into Among Us you’ll want to check out Vlesk who almost exclusively makes videos of said game at the moment. His channel is rather young still but the older videos are him playing TTT in Garry’s Mod. 

Zombey - For those more intrested in playthroughs, Zombey is more appropriate. His channel features many different games such as Demon’s Soul and Fall Guys. 

APPS

Duolingo - Duolingo is always mentioned when it comes to these things, but it’s a good app. It provides a simple, almost game-like, format that helps you practice different concepts in your target language.

Memrise - Can’t forget Memrise on this list. Memrise uses video clips of real life people using the language to get you to associate the phrases with the situation and to get you to immerse yourself with the language. 

Drops - Drops focuses on visual learning, getting your brain to associate the vocabulary you’re exposed to with the pictures and symbols on the screen. The app is great for learning new vocabulary and you can choose yourself which topic to start with.

Wordbit German - WordBit German is useful for vocabulary exposure. You download it and every time you open your phone a German word is shown on the screen and you can mark different word by familiarity.

HelloTalk - This app helps you to reach out to native speakers of your target language and you can also help others seeking to learn your language. You can send voice messages, make corrections and translate the messages directly. The app can be used for free, but there are many functions that are limited without paying. Other similar apps are also available (often with lower quality but they are free). 

PODCASTS (language learning)

Slow German - The journalist Annik Rubens talks about everyday topics and phenomenons in the german culture and society in short recordings. Perfect to practice your listening comprehension as a beginner and get used to the new parts of the phonology - and it’s available on Spotify. 

Easy German - They also have a podcast! They also talk about the german culture but also topics relevant to the rest of the world, though in a bit more natural speed and with a bit more relaxed manner. (Available on Spotify)

Radio D - Unfortunately not available on Spotify but it is easily found with just a google search (and by the attached link). The podcast is made for complete beginners, guiding you throughout different scenarios and settings and building up your understanding and basic knowledge of the language. Transscripts are also available for download.

Coffee Break German - A series of lessons where the listener, together with the English speaking host Mark, gets to learn German phrases and vocabulary from scratch with the help of Thomas. Each episode is between 20 to 30 minutes so get your pen and paper out to take effective notes. (Available on Spotify)

 You will come across many other podcasts, these are just a good place to start.

PODCASTS (for entertainment)

Eine Stunde History - With new episodes every Friday this podcast takes events throughout history and compare their relevance to today and the future. Perfect for those who have an interest in history. (Available on Spotify)

ZEIT WISSEN - Woher weißt Du dass? - The central theme being science, this podcast gives you a scientific perspective on a new question that is being explored every week. You want to know if humans can hybernate or what the consequenses of having sex with the neanderthals were? Not necessarily! But now you can! (Available on Spotify)

Verbrechen - This podcast features true crime, being led by Andreas Sentker and Sabine Rückert. Sabine is the one talking about the cases she’s been met with throughout her career in law enforcement. (Available on Spotify)

Biologie Passion Podcast - If you have a biology test coming up, if you want to repeat some long lost knowledge from school, or maybe you just have a passion for biology - then this is a good podcast for you. Christian Schweda is happy to teach (or reteach) you some biology. (Available on Spotify)

Eli’s Abitur Crashkurs - For those of you who are study freaks in general, you can visit Eli on Spotify! She has made a podcast on everything she has to study for during her Abitur. And the best thing is - they only come in 10-20 min episodes. But be aware for speedy speech. (Available on Spotify)

Die Copycats - Both on Youtube and on Spotify these guys talk about all sorts of nerdy things from video games to bad music and give their opinions on many other things. They’re quite small so go and give them a bit of love. (Available on Spotify)

#QueerAsBerlin - Not available on Spotify unfortunately. But as the title suggests is this podcast a commentary, interviews and a view on different aspects of social problems through the lens of the LGBTQ+ community in Berlin.  

Bin ich Süßsauer? - For my fellow asian LGBTQ+ people out there; this underrated podcast features an asian host in Germany, talking about different parts of LGBTQ (from what I understand the host themselves are trans and therefore the general theme) with different guests. Of course this can be enjoyed by anyone, just a small shout out for diversity. (Available on Spotify)

Schnapsidee - der Podcast über Liebe, Love & sexy sein - From the name alone you are most likely able to deduse the theme of this podcast. Anna and Paula talks about their love life, relationships, and sex! Their content is lighthearted and enjoyable to listen to. (Available on Spotify)

Dick und Doof - Without any real theme to their podcast, the two friends Sandra and Luca is having a great time, and we get to listen to their conversations about anything and everything. The both of them focus mostly on humour, sprinkled with an insight in their private lives. (Available on Spotify)

Alliteration am Arsch - Or AAA in foreshortening, features Bastian Bielendorfer and Reinhard Remfort who found themselves as friends after realizing the things they had in common and now we get to listen as the both of them discuss anything and everything through the lens of comedy. (Available on Spotify)

[sakura-ame-no-ai]

"bring a jacket next time."

pairings: tetsurou kuroo x reader

genre: fluff

notes: in japan, their way of checking the time is much different than america. they use 24-hour clocks. so if it was 1 in the afternoon, it would be counted as 13:00 for them.

a/n: it felt like some special holiday for me today and i don't know why... but seriously, how is my last kenma fanfic getting so much love istg- anyways, enjoy this fanfiction! i couldn't think of a good title for this on... :sob:

you sneeze suddenly when a gust of wind blows against your legs. it is indeed cold outside, but the shriveled leaves scraping their way down the street makes it seem much colder.

"why does it have to be so cold on a beautiful night like this..," you mutter to yourself, wrapping yourself with your arms.

too bad you didn't contemplate on bringing a jacket with you before bursting through the door with kuroo calling behind you.

well, now you feel a little guilty remembering that you lied to kuroo that you were going to buy some snacks at a nearby konbini. in reality, you just want to spend most of the night searching for some shooting stars.

you make a brief trip to the park, to which you find everything abandoned. that one big red slide that you always see children fighting to have their turn on is now empty and lonely. the swings seem motionless, too. however, they still rock back and forth every now and then when a chilly breeze rushes by. the seesaw is tilted down at an angle, making one side touch the ground full of woodchips.

you search for that favorite brown bench that has legs made out of an elegant black metal of some sort. soon, you discover it sitting under a big maple tree silently. it faces a metal fence that is as high as your waist, which a beautiful view of a huge lake stretches out on the other side of that fence. you don't hesitate to plop down and make yourself comfy on the bench, admiring the wavy reflection of the glittering stars and moon on the water's surface.

you could stare at such a view all day...

well, you would if you had brought a jacket though.

the cold night air wraps around you, trying to embrace you in a friendly way, but all it does is make you shiver and lift your feet onto the bench. you hug your knees and bury your mouth and nose inside your arms and knees, cursing to yourself about why you were stupid enough to not bring some warm clothing before setting out.

"just like i thought," a voice that sounds very familiar booms out from behind you, making you flinch.

you turn your head around to see a bedhair walk up to you with a cheeky grin.

"tetsu?!" you squeal, a little shocked that he actually know exactly where you were. "how did you know i'm here?"

kuroo is bundled up in a scarf and his nekoma jacket. he also has a thick piece of folded cloth draped over his right arm, making you assume that it's probably a blanket.

"i've never seen you that eager to do some shopping at the konbini, kitten," he replies, taking a seat next to you.

"you've always been a fan of sceneries outside, so that gave me an idea."

you give him a look of amazement, awed by the fact that he knows you very well like you're his child or something. however, it isn't long before kuroo bonks you on the head.

"you little rascal~ why didn't you bring a coat? it's like below 25 degrees celsius, and here you are, hanging out at the park, short-sleeved, and without a jacket or coat."

you whimper at his remarks.

"well, you know i was excited, tetsu..," you pout, puffing your cheeks out.

he chuckles, "nobody was blaming you, ok?"

kuroo takes a moment to peel off his nekoma jacket and place it over your shoulders. you gratefully hug it over your shoulders. other than the fact that it smells strongly of that lavender body soap you gave him, the jacket felt warm from kuroo's body heat, making you feel safe.

an unintentional smile slips onto your lips and you readjust your gaze to the sky.

"say... do you think there will be any shooting stars tonight?"

kuroo lifts a brow before fixing his gaze at the sky as well.

"oya? hunting for shooting stars?"

you nod eagerly, continuing to look up attentively.

"mhm! you told me that it's shooting star season!"

the branches of the maple tree above you sway gently, swishing its leaves together to create gentle rustling sounds.

kuroo smiles and points towards one of the stars.

"do you know how stars are formed, n/n?" he asks you, his finger directing your gaze towards the appointed star.

you squint to make a more intricate observation of the star while racking your brain, trying to remember your astrology lessons at school.

"well... don't stars form from accumulated gas and dust in space?" you finally conclude, remembering one fact your teacher has emphasized back then.

kuroo nods happily.

"yep. stars form when the gravity of the dust and air collapse together, which makes them heat up out of pressure."

he continues to ramble on about how stars mostly contain hydrogen and helium, the lightest elements to exist in the universe, and how stars are, in reality, exploding balls of gas.

you listen patiently as he explains. you are always interested in his nerdy science talk, as well as the way he is invested in his own world when a discussion related to a scientific topic arises.

it takes him a little bit to finish his explanation with a sneeze.

of course, he's not wearing his jacket. that's why.

you take off the jacket you were wearing and hand it to him.

"you're gonna catch a cold, so take your jacket back."

however, he pushes it back into your chest.

"no, kitten. you have it. i'm worried about you more."

you begin to pout, angry that he's always caring for your health instead of his own.

"no, kuroo," you say with an upset look. "this is not my jacket."

you two begin fighting about who should wear kuroo's jacket, exaggerating the possibilities of not wearing one and lecturing one another.

"that's it," kuroo sighs, looking troubled.

at first, you are confused by his words.

"what do you m-"

it was at this moment that kuroo covers the blanket that you forgot he had brought onto his back and then trapping you inside his arms, wrapping your body inside the blanket.

"there, now we're both warm," he smirks.

you take a while to understand the situation you're currently in before blushing madly. you look up at him, only to see that usual proud smirk on his face. he obviously did this on purpose.

"tetsu?! what the actual hell?!" you scream.

"oya? anything wrong?" he asks a little too 'innocently', pissing you off.

you growl back, "of course, you dumbass! people might see us and take this to like a million different wrong directions!"

"kitten, it's almost half-past 23:00. it's really unlikely that we'll be seen since most people are asleep."

you can't counter back, because that sly cat is right. most people are asleep at this time, so it's highly unlikely that you'd get caught like this with kuroo.

you have no idea how to react, so you decide to lean your back against kuroo, resting your head on his chest. at least, you realize that you feel much warmer than wearing his jacket. in the end, you start to relax, paying closer attention to the steady rise and fall of his chest while he breathes.

"do you ever see stars as memories when you look at them?" you ask kuroo, tilting your head upwards to meet his gaze.

"sometimes," he smiles, looks at one of the stars.

"like that one near that giant cloud reminds me of when i stole your meat from your lunchbox."

you cough.

"do you think this is a great time to bring this up??"

he only smirks at you. "you asked if i get reminded of anything when i look at a star."

you pout a little and fix your eyes to another star and point your finger towards it.

"well, this one reminds me of when yaku beat your ass for stealing meat from my lunchbox."

you two begin talking back and forth, saying which star represented which memory, laughing about the old days, and fighting about various things, like who should've gotten to eat that scrumptious piece of steak.

as you come back to argue about the lunchbox situation again, a white streak catches your eyes, snapping your attention back to the sky.

"look, tetsu! shooting stars!" you exclaim.

what kuroo turns his head to look at the sky with you.

sure enough, more streaks of white rain down like a slight drizzle.

"hurry up! make a wish!" you tell him before clasping your hands together before your face and close your eyes.

kuroo looks at you, then back at the sky. after a while, he closes his eyes and makes his wish.

i want to stay by y/n's side, even after i graduate.

however, he doesn't say it out loud. instead, he wraps his arms around your chest after you have finished making your wish.

for the first time in forever, kuroo gives you the most genuine smile that you've ever seen, which surprises you since you're so used to his cheeky smirks. it reminds you of honey and its sweet flavor.

"you know, kitty, we could do this next time," he coos in the sweetest voice you've ever heard him use.

"did you think i'd stop you?"

"ummmm..."

you look side-ways towards the tree beside you before give him your honest response.

"weeeeell, i thought you'd tell me it'd be too late into the night to do something like this and that i wouldn't be able to wake up if i stay up star-hunting."

kuroo chuckles, petting your head lightly with that big hand of his

"things like this are exceptions."

your eyes light up to his words. he has officially announced the permit to stay up searching for shooting stars that you adore a lot. it makes you very happy that you smile back warmly.

"thank you, tetsurou," you sigh, leaning into his chest comfortably.

"it's nothing, y/n."

he continues to stroke your hair in a soothing way as he maintains that genuine smile on his lips.

"just bring a jacket next time, or star-hunting will be off-limits."

[holdmecloser-gandydancer]

44. “I’m not afraid.” w magnus :O?

Magnus sat in the stuffy waiting room, bouncing his leg restlessly, trying to free some nervous energy. It didn’t seem to be working. He tapped at arms of the chair he was sitting in. It felt like he’d been waiting for hours, thought the very patient tiefling receptionist assured him it had only been about ten minutes. He was just ready to get the interview done and over with.

Honestly, Magnus was surprised when the letter came a few weeks ago, inviting him for an interview. He’d worked as a general security officer for a while when mention of a new, exciting position was made at a meeting for all already involved at the Institute. Something enticing about journeying beyond our planes. Magnus was interested but uncertain if he really fit the bill for the two month mission. His moms had encouraged him to apply for one of the spots.

“The worst they could say is no, baby,” Ma Amada had said one night when they were all in the kitchen, prepping dinner.

“And if they do, then they’re fools,” Ma Arabella said, giving Magnus a cheeky wink and tasking him with setting the table.

So Magnus applied. He skimmed over where the listing said “Knowledge of Casting highly encouraged.” Surely enough other casters would apply, right? Besides, he thought to himself, it couldn’t hurt to try.

That’s precisely how he found himself on the top floor of the Institute, in itchy pants Ma Arabella insisted made him look handsome and professional, ready to start crawling up the walls just to do something.

“Burnsides?”

Magnus’s head whipped around. He was so caught up in thought that he didn’t even hear the door open. He stood up gave an awkward wave.

“Present!”

The gnomish man sent him a bemused look before waving him through the door. Magnus followed behind him and sat in one of the vacant chairs in front of the large oak desk.

“Do you want anything to drink? I have water but I could also procure some tea if that’s more your style.”

Magnus shook his head. “Just water is fine, sir.”

The other man let out a the barest huff of a laugh. “Son, please, you don’t have to call me sir. Davenport is fine.”

“Understood,” Magnus said, reaching for the cup of water Davenport handed him. He took a long sip, trying and failing to avoid spilling some on his nice green shirt. Silently, he cursed his stupid professional clothes. They were the best choice for the interview, he knew that, but they made him feel like some kind of caged animal.

He watched Davenport carefully as he inspected a small stack of papers in a folder. Magnus noticed his mustache twitch a few times; Davenport seemed to be amused by something in what he assumed was his file. He hoped that was a good sign.

“Forgive me, I’ve been at this all day so my brain is a little fried. So, you’re Magnus Burnsides. Human. Currently working as one of the Institute’s security officers, yes?” Davenport asked, finally looking back at Magnus.

Magnus nodded. “That’s right! I’ve been in that job for almost a year.”

“And you have no casting experience?”

“Nope.”

Davenport frowned. “You do know that the listing did say that we preferred casters, right?”

“I do. I also know that I’m still in this interview so there must be something you like about me,” Magnus said, not fully processing his own words as they flew out of his mouth. Rein it in a little, he thought to himself.

Davenport laughed a little. Good to know he seemed to have some sense of humor.

“You do have a point. Yeah, I gotta say, you intrigued me as an applicant. I have a ton of questions I have prepared but honestly? I’d prefer a more casual interview if that’s alright with you.”

“Oh man, I’d love that.” Magnus took another sip of water. He pulled at the collar of his shirt; it was a touch too tight and itched.

“So, tell me why you want to join the Institute’s Planar Exploration mission.”

“Well, I gotta be honest. It just sounds really fuc –“ Magnus caught himself. Not that casual of an interview, he thought. “Um. It sounds really cool. I’ve spent a lot of time looking up at the sky and the stars and stuff and the thought of actually getting to go up there? I mean, you’re the captain of this mission, right?”

Davenport nodded.

“Well, then you get it. There’s this idea that our lives could be meant for something bigger than us. I dig that.”

Magnus watched as Davenport wrote something down in his notes. He was writing for a while, actually. Magnus felt that nervous energy come back.

“I like your answer. Now, I do need you to be honest with me on this next question. What skills do you think that you can bring to this scientific expedition? Because while it’s true that what we’re doing is cool, this is still a research mission at the end of the day.”

“Okay, hear me out. I’ve thought about this a lot. I know you’re all going to be mostly casters and scientists and that’s cool. But uh, aren’t you worried that most of you are going to be pretty squishy?”

Davenport furrowed his brow. “Squishy? What do you mean?”

“Well, think about it. You don’t have any idea of what you might find out there. Could be something awesome, that’s what we’re hoping for. But it could be something that wants to attack, right? If everyone on the ship is busy with science, there’s gonna be no one who can protect the group.” Magnus crossed his arms and shrugged his shoulders a bit. “I can be the one to do that.”

“Magnus, you do understand that we have one of the most talented evocation specialists coming on this mission, right? I believe she has us covered when it comes to defensive magic.”

“Sure, but I don’t need any spell slots to do what I do.”

Davenport blinked and nodded before pausing to write some things down.

“Okay. Okay. Fair point. Now, remind me, son, you’re 20?”

Magnus nodded. “Yup! Birthday was two months ago.”

“Right. Alright. Well, I have one last question for you. Obviously we don’t anticipate anything going wrong but we have to always plan for the worst-case scenario. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Are you prepared to potentially…throw that away? I’m not trying to scare you but with a mission like this, we can never be certain of what we might face.”

For the first time the entire interview, Magnus sat and thought for a moment. He shook his head. “That’s a mighty big question. But I’m not afraid, sir. You’re right, I do have the rest of my life ahead of me. This would be one hell of a start to it, don’t you think?”

Davenport smiled and nodded. He set his pen down and stood up. “Well, this was a very illuminating interview. Thank you. I’ll be in touch very soon.”

“Wait! Can I ask you one question before we wrap this up?”

“Oh, of course. What is it?”

Magnus grinned. “Can I call you Cap’n’port?”

A rich belly-laugh fluttered out of Davenport’s mouth. “Knock yourself out, son.”

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[2-cute-4-school]

𝙉𝘾𝙏 𝘿𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 : 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙪𝙨𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙘𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙝 𝙜𝙚𝙩𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙛𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢

 @proseeuhn~aaah its okay if it takes a while! i honestly dont mind! my requests was… how would the dreamies react to their friend/crush who is usually unintentionally quite distant and intimidating being with soft with them and grabbing their hand out of nowhere to just play with it? if that makes sense?? like the friend/crush gets all soft and grabs the dreamies hand and plays with it djskks thank you in advance! ~ Thank you so much for your request (๑>◡<๑) , it was such a fun and original idea, i really enjoyed coming up with scenarios for this (requests are still open btw)

Mark Lee

so mark may be just a tiny huge bit scared of you sometimes

but that’s mostly because babie doesn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of you  🥺

cuz your rbf gives him THE chills sometimes

you’re the definition of a ‘bruh’ person but somehow that’s a huge charm in mark’s eyes he’s royally whipped been there done that

and the one(1) way mark can fully relax and be in his element is when he’s playing the guitar i’d die to see/hear him

and even after he’s done you’re just ✨ vibing ✨ together in silence

until you suddenly reach out and grasp his hand in yours and bring it close to your face

mark.exe has unexpectedly crashed (((( ;°Д°))))

“woah your fingertips are so calloused from playing”

mark needs a cooler PRONTO (⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾ Д ⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾)

he’s OVERHEATING FOR REAL and hyperaware of your warm breath fawning over his fingertips

and then you intertwine your hands and bring them into your lap as you brush your thumb against the exposed skin on his hand that you’re able to reach with a small smile on your lips (ﾟ ωﾟ//）

and mark is SHOOK with your casual display of affection and softness

he can’t help but stare at the soft curl of your lips, the light twinkle in your eyes, the fingers that grip his own so firmly yet so endearingly ♡‿♡

“you’re so beautiful” it just slips out 

0.0 pause, delete existence, rewind major PANIC

but to his immense surprise a faded hue of red paints your cheeks and ears (๑•́‧̫•̀๑)

“thanks, you’ll get there too eventually “ 

（ノT＿T)ノ ＾┻━┻  way to ruin a moment

but he does forgive you when he feels the index finger of your other hand trace a faint heart on the back of his hand (*>ω<*)

and mark would spend a lifetime playing his guitar if it meant he’d get to witness this unexpected but very welcomed side of you

Huang Renjun

renjun probably watches you like a hawk 

your distant demeanor sometimes baffles him poor baby

but he likes you too much to give up so easily whipped man ٩(♡ε♡ )۶

and he does everything he can to *subtly* hint about his tiny huge crush but without making you uncomfortable renjun best boi we been knew

but you don’t seem to get the gist AT ALL (>皿<)

and renjun is getting more and more concerned on your lack of affection towards him 

so babie gets lowkey sad (oꆤ︵ꆤo) not allowed in this household

until one blessed time you’re peeking over his shoulder as he inspects one of his unworldly amazing drawings

*GASP* “JUN THAT’S SO BEAUTIFUL”

you hurriedly take a seat beside him and grab one of his hands in yours as you gush over his artwork

“HOW EVEN, THIS IS JUST…JUST- I HAVE NO WORDS, MY JUN IS THE BEST ARTIST IN THIS filthy WORLD!!!11!!!1!” ლ(^o^ლ)

renjun’s brain and face is overheating

‘we…we’re holding ha-hands??!? and they called me best artist- wait ‘MY jun’??!?!!??!?!?’ （◎0◎）

and while he’s already shutting down, you decide enough isn’t enough and give  him THE FINAL BLOW

you run your fingers gently over the back of his right hand and you suddenly lean your head on his shoulder as your soft voice registers in his overworked brain

“your birthmark is so pretty, renjun, so unique” (♥ω♥*)

*please bring cold water, towels, a fan, the entire fridge, renjun is burning alive he hot that’s why* 

but renjun makes THE ULTIMATE POWER MOVE and brings your intertwined hands up to lay a *smooch* on your hand  🥺

get a room pls 

Lee Jeno

the members once said they also found jeno intimidating and cold before getting to know him 

so he’s certain that you only need to open up a lil

that’s why no matter how distant and icy you  act towards him 

he never NEVER gives up

just shoots you one of his ^‿^ smiles and carries on

and unconsciously, you start to soften up around him

and there a very specific moment when he started to realize that

you were helping him cut up some fruits and as he was about to grab another apple, you grabbed his hand, intently inspecting it

jeno having a heated internal debate : ‘chill man, don’t give them a reason to catch you off guard’  (ó﹏ò｡)

“well i gotta admit lee jeno” 

“huh?” insert that cute confused sound he makes

“i’m really awestruck by you”

jeno puffing his chest internally : ‘well it’s damn time you noticed me senpai’ (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و

“you’ve really got the ugliest tan i’ve ever seen”

‘ASDFKAWDKSAIKAKJW- *passes out* ‘ X.X

jeno just snatches his hand away and grumbles about fruits and bicycles

he’s sulky the entire day but not because you hurt his ego no 

and as much as you love teasing jeno, your growing soft spot for him is acting up and your melted heart just *mush*

so you kick renjun off the couch in order to sit beside jeno renjun tries to protest but you shoot him *that look* and he retreats with his tail between his legs ミ●﹏☉ミ

jeno tries to keep up his deeply hurt act dramatic much

until he feels shy fingers brushing his as if hesitating, before they curl around his firmly

‘ASDFKAWDKSAIKAKJW- *passes out* ‘ x2 because the softness in his heart is just too much for him

later on it becomes a habit neither of you complains

Lee Donghyuck

it’s the 4th time in the past 2 hours

and yes, donghyuck has been keeping count for scientific purposes obv

nvm, it’s the 5th time your hand brushed against his 

and hyuck is  ✨  ABOUT TO LOSE HIS MARBLES  ✨

the demons on his shoulders are arguing by now 

‘this is an attempt to subtly hold your hand dumbass’ (－‸ლ)

‘no it’s not, they would never touch anyone, remember when they threatened to chop chop that guy’s balls for touching them?’

‘it’s not the same thing, you’d let the opportunity if holding your crush’s hand pass by like this?’

‘sure go ahead, and then watch y/n dip it in acid’   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

donghyuck shuddered at the thought

what he doesn’t know is that sure, while sticking a random guy’s hand up his ass for touching you is a ‘been there done that’ for you

hyuck isn’t just a random guy

you’d choke on an asparagus before admitting it, but he has grown on you

sure, he’s still an annoying brat sometimes 

but he’s so much more than that, he understood you in ways other couldn’t, he was patient with you and did his best to comfort and show you he cares in his own way  (｡♡ˇд ˇ♡｡）

and you grew to care for him too

maybe a bit more than a friend should   ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“hey hyuck!! my hand is cold, warm it up for me”

you acted on impulse before you could chicken out and before hyuck could answer and slipped your hand in his

demon on left shoulder : ‘ha told ya pay up BEACH’

“you only love me for my warmth” said donghyuck totally not blushing and fangirling on the inside

“pffft i don’t love you, i like tolerate you and just shut up human radiator” said y/n totally not swinging their hands back and forward like kids in love 

Na Jaemin

this man= W H I P P E D

y/n makes an edible omlet? jaemin : this is real taste, 5 star michelin right here!!  stream gods menu cowards

y/n squishes hyuck like a bug for waking them up? jaemin : yes babe whoop go off cutie!!! (•̀o•́)ง

y/n breathes? jaemin : PERFECTION!!!11!!!1!!1!!

so you went from ‘(•ิ_•ิ)? what is this person saying??’

to ‘ (｡•́︿•̀｡)why isn’t he saying anything’ whenever he omits cheering you 

but in a subtle way

you can’t have him catching on

so one day you’re sitting at the kitchen table and he’s feeding you pieces of fruit you whine about being able to feed yourself but nana knows you’re secretly enjoying it

when you suddenly snatch his other hand and one of renjun’s pencils left around and you  🥺 him

unfair if you ask him, how is he supposed to say no so he doesn’t

and you start doodling on his hand o(^◇^)o

he tries to peek at what you’re doing but you squeal softly and move to cover your drawing 

“nana! wait until i’m done!!!’ (｀0´)

he *melts* at your cute reactions and resorts to watching your face expressions fondly as he occasionally prods your lips with fruit

“done!!!”

you move away to let him see the cute dolphin you drew on the back of his hand and he gushes about the cuteness of your drawing

but then you shyly start fiddling with his fingers as you explain

“you know how a dolphin helped poseidon find his love? this will make sure you’ll always find me” (๑•́‧̫•̀๑)

jaemin, softly smiling in understanding, curls his own fingers over yours and brings them up to his chest 

“you don’t have to worry about that”

Zhong Chenle

chenle doesn’t seem a very affectionate person either

so he’s not really worried about your lack of affection social distancing

what he is worried about is that you’re also distant on an emotional level

because what if he misreads you?

what if you misunderstand him because of the lack of communication?

what if he isn’t there for you the one time you need him?

this baby just wants you to know he cares (◕⌓◕;)

but at the same time he doesn’t want to act in a different way around you read as doesn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of his crush

also you’re quite close

as friends for now (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

and as he does with all his close friends : he brings you to his home in china!!!!

and this boi has the surprise of his life when you obviously make an effort to open up to his family ໒( ͡ᵔ ▾ ͡ᵔ )७

you smile and chat a lot with his mom and chenle also gets to talk a lot with you since he has to translate so who’s the real winner here

and you know that variety show(?) where chenle dances with his grandpa in the park? you go there too (∗´꒳`)

and while you’re both waiting on the side…

you!!!!grab!!!!his!!!!HAND!!!! and pull him towards the dance floor!!

chenle : Σ(゜ロ゜;) then looks at you being all : o(^◇^) and chenle turns to : (●♡∀♡)  whipped culture everyone

he barely even breathes until you settle for a comfortable dance pattern, one of your hands on his shoulder, one of his laying gingerly on your waist respectfully cuz he is a manners man 

but most importantly : hands clasped together at the side!!!!!!

and these minutes in which you just dance together without a worry, chenle gets to live his long forgotten childhood dreams 🥺  you know how in cinderella it’s the dance that starts everything? yeah that

chenle marks this date in his calendar and makes it a national day 

Park Jisung

lyin’ is a sin so we don’t do that in dis household

jisung is highly intimidated by you (⌣_⌣”)

as in he likes likes you but he doesn’t dare act on his feelings in any way

so renjun and haechan took it upon themselves to play cupid a horrible decision really

and it seems that their attempts at dr. love only ended up in disasters

locked you together in a rollercoaster together? jisung threw up on both your laps (✦థ ｪ థ)ﾉ

ice skating together? jisung stumbled into you, knocking you over so you left the ring with a bruised chin and sore knees and jisung : (シ_ _)シ

arcade hangout? your competitive self almost made jisung cry you not only ignored him but also kicked his ass in every. single. game

so no one had any expectations when they arranged a horror movie night and invited you to sit beside jisung ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

you were awfully quiet since the start of the movie which wasn’t necessarily unusual but ya know 

but the atmosphere was getting tenser and tenser and you just knew some kind of jumpscare was coming

and survival comes first!!!! so you clutch onto the nearest thing

jisung’s hand ding dong correct!!!!

and you also bury your face in his shoulder subtly (っ⇀⑃↼)っ

you, shitting your pants : not a word to the others

jisung, also shitting his pants : not one

but uh even though jisung is awkward and everything, he isn’t complaining!!

he finds comfort in your death grip and you’re also his crush so DOUBLE WIN!!!  !(•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

ofc the others notice but they don’t say a word because ✨ you’re cute ✨ so they leave the teasing for later thought you escaped? not a chance beach

and to make it all even more embarrassingly cute, you fall asleep like that

and you wake up the next morning tucked in jisung’s side with a sore neck, clammy hands and 200 notifs on your phone with pictures of you and jisung sleeping from every  possible angle (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

and with a soon-to-be boyfriend too

[samuel-de-champagne-problems]

It's Delicate: Part III

Summary: Spencer Reid finds himself at a gas station at 2:00 am, thinking he’s only leaving with a cup of crappy coffee. But something taped to the door catches his eye. Spencer leaves the gas station with more than he intended: the chance at a friend, and maybe something more along the way.

Word Count: 3.9

Author’s Note: Here's Part 3!! This was super difficult for me to get out, but I think I'm happy with it. I rewrote it like 3 or 4 times

It's Delicate: Part III

Spencer notices everything. He’s been trained to notice the slightest change in his environment. He supposes that his profiler training has helped him be more comfortable in social situations. But still, Spencer feels like a fish out of water as he pushes the door to the bookstore open. He knows he should feel at home when he’s in a bookstore, but his heart seems to be racing. Spencer tries to quiet his nerves before he can feel himself running away.

Thinking that it might be a good idea to distract himself, Spencer walks over to the bookshelf filled with books from the floor to the ceiling. He runs his fingers along the spine of the books. Some are old and used, and others are well cared for with their enabled and embossed writing on the spines. He recognizes some titles, but others aren’t too familiar. There’s a whole world of books out there that Spencer has yet to explore. There’s a couple other patrons in the store, an older woman who sits on the soft rocking chair in the back corner and a young woman who already has a pile of books tucked under her arms.

Looking around, Spencer walks towards the back of the store where a glowing sign directs him to the restroom. He goes into the Men’s Room and locks the door behind him. Spencer looks at his reflection in the mirror. He wouldn’t consider himself a vain man, nor would he consider himself aloof about his appearance. He’s very much aware of the deep lines that collect around his eyes and the dark bags underneath. Spencer runs his fingers through his hair, wondering if he should have gotten a haircut. He likes the way his longer hair looks. It took so long after getting released from prison to get his curls back. His hair is the one part of his physical appearance that Spencer can say he likes; the rest he’s a little less than indifferent about on a good day.

Spencer shuts the light off in the bathroom and heads back to the front of the store. He approaches the store clerk, who sits behind the counter. She’s talking with the young woman who had the pile of books tucked under her arms. Spencer looks around the store, trying to find a sign for where the book club meets. He realizes that he doesn’t even know what Y/N looks like. He decides to take out his phone to text Y/N that he’s here. Spencer walks to the short stories section of the store and looks for the “P”s. Once he finds the book he’s looking for he takes a photo and attaches it to the message.

Spencer: How have I not discovered this place sooner??

He doesn’t expect for Y/N to text him back right away, so he tucks his phone back into his pocket. Spencer walks to the front of the store. The display highlights the books of the month with different authors, genres, and themes. It’s a quaint little store and Spencer wonders why he put off visiting so long. The young woman finishes with the clerk and brushes past Spencer, her face buried in her phone. Spencer walks towards the shelves of True Crime books. He sees Rossi’s latest release about the Golden State Killer. Before Spencer can pick up the book, he feels his phone buzz in his pocket.

Y/N: Ooooh a man after my own heart :) I’m guessing you’re here too

Spencer: Yes...I just realized I don’t know what you look like?

Y/N: Well, I guess that means you have to find me

Spencer looks around at the patrons in the store. The older woman and the younger woman seem like the only logical candidates. The young woman doesn’t look up when Spencer brushes past, her attention is intently focused on the book across her lap, while the older woman swipes on her e-reader.

Spencer: You know I could just call you and your phone would ring

Y/N: That’s like cheating

Y/N: Turn around

Spencer turns around and is greeted by the young woman who brushed past him before. She smiles up at him and Spencer can’t help but grin back at her. He didn’t really give much thought to what Y/N looks like, and he can only hope that she didn’t think too much about him in that way. Spencer has to stop himself from that spiral, and remind himself that it’s not a date.

“You’re Y/N?” Spencer asks, hoping that he doesn’t sound too nervous.

“Yes, and I really hope you’re Spencer,” she says, “you’re nothing like I pictured,”

Spencer’s face must have shown his shock because Y/N’s hand comes up to gently touch his upper arm in an attempt to quell his worry.

“No, nothing bad, Spencer. You just text like a grandpa so I figured you were a lonely old man. I’m just surprised that you’re pretty...young is all,” Y/N finishes her voice climbing up a couple of scales making her nerves evident.

Spencer nods in agreement, used to people thinking he’s older than he actually is his entire life. He supposes that’s because of his intelligence coupled with his social ineptitude.

“Well, judging by your texting, I predicted that you would be around my age, or younger,” Spencer says he’s always had difficulties keeping conversations going, yet right now his mind is swimming of different things he can tell Y/N.

“So you ready for your first Book Buddy meeting?” Y/N asks. The corners of her mouth turn upwards in a playful smile. Spencer likes her smile and grows disappointed that the only time he’ll be able to see it is when they meet together. As much as he is technology adverse, he wouldn’t mind being able to see her smile through her emojis and snarky messages.

“I’m still not too sure what we’re supposed to do, but at least I’ve got you to show me,”

“Come on Book Buddy virgin,” Y/N says winking at Spencer as she walks past him to the staircase that leads to the store’s basement.

Spencer tries to ignore her comment, but even with his brain power he can’t stop his ears from turning pink. He’s always blushing around people who listen to him, especially when those people are so enthralling to watch.

In the basement, there’s shelves and shelves of books lining the walls. A couple of couches and sofas are tucked in the corner with a table and lamp. The soft light is warm and inviting. Spencer’s eyes can’t help but to scan the various titles in the collection. Y/N flops down on the couch and taps the seat, signalling for Spencer to sit next to her.

Sitting down next to her, Spencer wonders how much space he should put between them. He doesn’t want to sit so close and have her think he’s only here to make a pass at her. Nor does he want to sit so far away, because the scent of her peppermint and eucalyptus perfume threatens to mesmerize him.

Y/N brushes her hair from her face with her right hand, that’s adorned with a ring and a couple gold bracelets. She looks over at Spencer apprehensively and he tries to give her a comforting smile back, but he’s afraid that he just looks awkward. He suddenly is very aware that his breath tastes like stale coffee and his hair is wild, pointing out in several directions.

“So Spencer,” Y/N says, “usually we meet in a big group to do these Book Clubs, but this year the store decided to do this Book Buddy thing. Reading and picking out books for someone can be a very personal thing, so I’d like to get to know you a little bit better if that’s alright?”

Spencer’s eyes steady the woman before him. She looks over at him, her eyes never breaking from his. Psychology shows that holding eye contact is a sign of confidence, for a litany of reasons, Spencer has always had difficulties maintaining eye contact. He sighs loudly. It’s almost a mix between exasperation and confusion. Even though Spencer has spent a good portion of his adult life surrounded by very forward people, he still feels slightly nervous when he comes across those types recreationally. Especially when those types seem to have smiles so contagious that they throw every scientific study on germs out the window.

“You want to know about me?” Spencer repeats. He can feel his ears flush, and is thoroughly reminded that he hardly knows who he is.

“Yes, I want to know all your salacious stories Spencer,” Y/N says with a sly smile.

Spencer chokes out a strained laugh before he tries to think of an answer. He can’t remember the last time someone wanted to get to know him. Or maybe he does, and just wants to pretend that those memories died with her. But he can’t, because they are painful and real.

“I’m an FBI Agent, uh the Behavioral Analysis Unit specifically. We track down serial killers and other time sensitive cases,” Spencer says, used to giving the speech about his job on the rare occasion he does talk to another lonely soul at a random bar in a city.

He looks over at Y/N, ready for the reaction he usually gets. Sometimes it’s pity, other times it’s awe. But it all tastes the same with a shot of whiskey.

“That must be an incredibly exhausting job, Spencer. It takes a special kind of person to do that,”

That’s strange, Spencer thinks. Her words aren’t full of pity or awe, but almost understanding. It’s strange, but Spencer likes strange things, after all.

“It is,” Spencer says. He doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence with useless words that he knows are stale and meaningless. Somehow the silence doesn’t feel awkward.

“How long have you been in the FBI?” Y/N asks. She’s curious, but cautious to proceed and Spencer appreciates that.

“Since I was 22. I’m 34. I’ll be 35 soon,” Spencer says, still not fully believing that he’s spent nearly 13 years at the BAU.

“22, that’s a baby. I didn’t think that the FBI would recruit that young,”

Spencer grimaces, realizing that sooner or later this conversation would arise. He figured it would have come up when he got through the books in an hour or two. Spencer hates having to tell people about his intelligence. He never wants to make someone feel inferior about themselves because of his brain chemistry and genetic lottery.

“I’m kinda smart. Technically I’m a genius but I really hate that term. The idea behind intelligence testing has a very sexist and racist background. Besides, I don’t think true intelligence is accurately quantifiable,” Spencer tells her, repeating his speech usually reserved for arrogant detectives.

“That sounds like something a genius would say. You’re a humble genius. That’s a rare breed, Spencer” Y/N says, that contagious smile turning up the corners of her mouth and threatening to take over Spencer’s.

“I think that’s a compliment,” Spencer says “what about you? Tell me about yourself?” Spencer says, trying to remember the points of the conversation books he used to read as a kid in hopes of making a friend.

“Let’s see, you already know the boys. I don’t have any siblings and my mom lives in Florida, so we don’t see each other too often. I’m a Funeral Director in Alexandria, took it over after my dad passed a couple years,” Y/N says.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Spencer responds. Y/N smiles again, clearly a little tense to be talking about a sensitive topic.

“So Second Cat, I take it you’re a Poe fan,” Spencer says, holding to help ease into a more pleasant conversation.

“I like his short stories the best, but Emily Dickinson poetry will always have my heart. There’s something so ordinarily beautiful about the way she writes. She was so brilliant. And her and Susan, that’s a tragic love story,” Y/N finishes. She plays with the hem of her jacket absentmindedly almost like she wants to say something more.

“I first read “The Tell Tale Heart” when I was around 5,” Spencer starts, he rests his elbows on his knees to tell a story and he can’t help but feel a little excited when Y/N leans in a little closer to listen in, “I checked it out from the library and brought it home to read. Now it just so happened that I got a chemistry set. I will not incriminate myself but I may or may not have used the set as the directions intended,” Spencer says, holding up his hands in innocence.

Y/N scams him with a calculated stare, it’s not mean or judgmental, but cautious and careful. It’s like she’s deciding if she can trust him or not. He supposes she does when she winks back and says, “I’m sure that’s true Agent Reid,”

“It’s actually Dr Reid, but I’ll get there another day,” Spencer says quickly, eager to get back to his story, “so the chemistry set had some chemicals, the kind that won’t hurt kids. But I stole some sodium chlorate from the local gardening store and a pack of gummy worms from the Mini-Mart. Then I got back home and took out the chemistry set. I drop some of the sodium chlorate and gummy bears into the test tube and it starts to glow!” Spencer says, his voice gets excited when he remembers the experiment. There’s very few happy moments of his childhood, and this is one.

Y/N, listening to him eagerly, wears an excited expression as Spencer continues with the story. He’s forgotten what it’s like to have someone so interested in what you have to say.

“How does Poe fit in?” Y/N asks. Spencer’s fingers make a “1” as if to tell her to be patient.

“So I do the experiment and there’s pieces of molten gummy worms in my hair and on my clothes, but then I hear my mother walking up the stairs so I panic,” Spencer says, he’s an animated storyteller and Y/N is a captivated audience. He tries to not pay close attention to how her eyes hardly leave his or how they seem to be looking at him with wonder. But it’s hard to ignore that when you’ve never been looked at like that before.

“I scramble into my bed and shove the experiment under the bed, and it’s still smelling like burnt chemicals and gummy worms, mind you. And I pretend to read, but I’m reading The Tell Tale Heart, which you know is about a man who’s trying to cover up a terrible deed but literally shoving it under the floor. You know I think my 5 year old mind exploded that day,” Spencer says, he leans back so his head rests against the wall.

“It must have made quite an impression on you at what 5? How on Earth did you read Edgar Allen Poe at 5 years old? I didn’t read that until like Freshman year of high school,”

“I told you I was kind of smart,” Spencer replies, hoping that it would suffice.

“Yeah, but like a child prodigy that must have been very lonely,” Y/N says in a voice that tells Spencer she knows a thing or two about being intensely lonely.

“No one ever says that,” Spencer says in a hushed tone, “no one ever gets that it’s a lonely thing being a genius,” he finishes, putting air quotes around genius to show his discomfort with the term.

Y/N nods, “I’m not a genius by any means, Spencer, but I was an only kid. Part of me thinks it’s my fate to lonely,”

“I’m an only kid too,” Spencer says, “when I asked my mom why they didn’t have anymore kids she just told me why mess with perfection. I know it was meant to make me feel better, but part of me wonders what it would have been like to have a built in friend,”

“Tell me if I’m overstepping, I tend to do that, but do you want kids?” Y/N asks, she twists a ring that’s wrapped around her finger over and over like it’s a bad habit. She looks at him, expecting an answer, from the corner of her eye.

“I did,” Spencer says in a quiet voice, terrified that he’ll reveal too much to this enticing woman with eyes that never seem to want to look anywhere, but his.

“So did I,” Y/N tells him. Her voice mirrors his in it’s guarded, yet scared to reveal too much tone. Spencer is too busy hiding his own worry to recognize Y/N’s.

“I was thinking,” Spencer starts, determined to end the stale silence that settled between them, “of what book I thought you’d like. It’s actually a personal copy of mine. I had know clue how these things work, but I thought we could write notes in the margins. You know our thoughts and ideas about the book,”

Y/N gazes over at Spencer intently, as if she’s trying to think of how she’ll respond. Spencer notices the way Y/N pauses to think before she speaks, he tries to subdue the profiler training that ebbs to the surface, but he can’t control what his instincts tell him. He knows that Y/N is holding something back, but then again, so is he and who is he to judge.

“You’re okay with writing in a book?” Y/N asks, “I know that could be touchy for some,”

“Most of my books have little writings in the margins. I always thought that a book is a love letter from the author to the reader. You get to see inside their mind and to me that’s incredibly personal,” Spencer says, rubbing his palms that grew sweaty on his pants. It’s useless, because they just slide off.

“Well, you’ve convinced me, I brought a book too, but it doesn’t have notes,” Y/N says, “but if this works out, I’ll do it next time?” Y/N asks him, the hope in her voice apparent.

“I’d love nothing more than that, Y/N,” Spencer says, wanting nothing more than to reach out and brush his fingertips against Y/N’s. Her hand keeps on creeping closer to Spencer’s, he thinks that she’s trying to send him a signal, but Spencer feels too wounded, too raw to take that first big leap.

“So,” Spencer starts, he decides to clasp his hands together to avoid this new predicament, “what book did you decide on?”

“Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, it’s one of the few books that is perfect,” Y/N says, putting emphasis on the “perfect,”. Spencer thinks that he can grow to be eager to wait each week for the hour or so he’s able to watch Y/N speak with such passion and love.

“I’ve heard about, but I generally read technically books and other that it’s mainly just books that aren’t in English,” Spencer tells her, he rummages through his bag, looking for his book for Y/N.

“Close your eyes please,” Spencer says, he hides the book behind his back, he smiles as Y/N’s absurdly contagious smile grows.

“Come on Spencer, I don’t like being teased,” Y/N whines, faux pout and all.

Spencer grabs her hand and guides it to the cover of the book, The Goldfinch. He lets go of her hand; his practically stinging from the way her fingertips pressed up against the back of his hand, even though it was only for a couple of seconds.

“The Goldfinch” Y/N says, “ooh how on Earth did you know I love Donna Tartt?”

“Lucky guess, I suppose,” Spencer says, a surge of confidence bolstering him enough to wink at Y/N.

Spencer watches as Y/N flips through the pages of her book. Spencer read it a couple of weeks ago and loved the way the author intertwined the mystery to create a riveting story. Spencer checks his watch, realizing that nearly two hours have passed since he and Y/N sat on the couch.

Just as Y/N goes to say something, Spencer’s phone rings, ripping him from his modest paradise. He gives Y/N an apologetic look and mouths “work” as he steps away from Y/N.

“Reid,” he says, he forgot to check the caller ID, a little too excited to finish this call and get back to Y/N.

“Is that seriously how you greet your favorite person in the world?” the voice, presumably Garcia asks.

“Garcia,” Spencer says, unable to hold back his slight annoyance.

“I know it’s time off, but I guess like male serial killers don’t respect women, they don’t respect our time off either,” Garcia quips.

“I’ll be there in 20, I’m out and I’ll need to get my go bag,” Spencer tells her, preparing for the inevitable.

“I know exactly where you are, Spencer. A little birdie told me you’d called him in panic. I really hope your lady friend appreciated your lavender shirt,” Garcia says. Spencer can hear the click of keys as she talks.

He rolls his eyes, but knew that this was to be expected, “Later, Garcia,” he says, hanging up the phone call. Spencer walks back over to Y/N, whose face is buried in the book. She twirls a pen in her right hand, like she’s thinking about what she’ll write in the margins.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N, but I have to cut this short, work emergency,” he explains to an Y/N understanding Y/N, who nods her head.

“Don’t worry, text me that you got home safe, please,” Y/N tells him, looking up at him with genuine worry in her eyes.

“I promise, Y/N. I’ll see you soon,” Spencer says, grabbing his book and making his way up the stairs. He reaches the top flight when his phone buzzes.

Y/N: I mean it :)

Y/N: It was nice meeting you officially….

Spencer reads over the messages as he walks, replaying the interaction in his head. It’s strange to have someone care if you make it home say. The only people on Earth, besides Spencer’s mother, that care if Spencer makes it home are the people that risk their lives with him as well.

Spencer shoots a quick message back.

Spencer: I promise and I hope you like the book, it’s very special to me.

Y/N: I’m sure I’ll love it! Now go save the world :) :)

Spencer smiles to himself as he reads the message, amazed that her contagious smile can make its way through the string of code from his smartphone. As he drives off, Spencer thinks about the way Y/N actually listens to him or the way her hair sees fall perfectly into place. He thinks about her laugh and the way she almost makes him feel safe in the short time he’s known her.

But all those good thoughts amount to nothing, when the biggest thought on Spencer’s mind revolves around the shiny ring that sits on her left hand on the finger between her pinky and pointer finger.

A wedding ring.

-TAGLIST- (Comment to be added or if I forgot to add you)

@shemarmooresfedora

@april-14-blog

@willowrose99

@calm-and-doctor

@spideygenius

@measure-in-pain

@nomajdetective

@spencerreid9

@saspencereid

@laurakirsten0502

@thatsonezesty13 (I'm trying what's wrong with this tag)

Thank You For Reading

[iscariotapologist]

sorry to potentially derail,, u know, the actual topic of this blog, but you’re a horse trainer !! that’s so cool, it was my dream job as a kid 💛 can you tell us a bit about it?

you have reached the point at which my two greatest passions in life intersect. one thousand words betide thee

i've always been a horse girl (gender neutral term), i took lessons as a kid for several years until it got too expensive, then volunteered for a while, then started working at camps as barn staff in high school. this summer i'm doing my 6th season as camp barn staff. i thought i was done but this lady was really nice and really wanted me to work there and i have problems saying no to people. however teaching summer camp is not the same as actual horse training and i don't intend to do it forever. i also do french classical dressage (as opposed to modern/competition dressage sorry for sounding pretentious but theyre different), i did 15 months as a working student for that over the pandemic and i'm actually going back there for like a month and a half before the camp starts because they need help and i miss my horse friends.

specifically i am invested in ethical, soft, compassionate, scientifically backed approaches to training and problem solving. also i'm literally two inches away from finally getting my fucking degree in animal science, which is related. i also would like to do internships/working student jobs in eventing and rehabilitation, and there's a place in spain i'm looking at going to as well. so i'm not actually a horse trainer yet, but hopefully that's where i'm headed (unless and until i break my spine at the age of 26 or something and then i will probably just study theology and become a nun)

now i'm going to make this tangentially about god because i never get to talk about the spiritual dimensions of animal training and husbandry but now i am because it IS a good church and one of my favorite things to think about and this is my blog. working with animals can be a deeply spiritual experience if you allow it to be. many people come to it (especially with horses) with the mindset that you must be "dominant" or "#1" or "the alpha" in order for the horse to "respect" and obey you. not only is this shit fucking obnoxious as hell, it has been disproven numerous times and no good equine behaviorist will ever be saying people should act like that towards animals. horses literally do not have the brain function to understand concepts like respect (or spite, or mind games, or intentionally being evil, or most of the other things people make up to justify undesired behaviors). which is not to say methods that perpetuate these ideas don't work, they can, but it is going to come at the cost of the mental, emotional, and possibly physical health of the horse and likely yourself, and it is going to create other issues that it cannot solve. incidentally, communities where this kind of mindset is popular tend to run rampant with sexism, racism, toxicity and abuse (fuck you clinton anderson, rick gore, george morris, etc). actual good horse training requires more work on yourself than the horse, which is why it can be very spiritual. it also takes longer than most people want. horses are honest and true to themselves, they cannot be otherwise, and in this way i think they are excellent mirrors and conduits for the divine. if you can know this and recognize that there is always a reason for what they do (even if it's not a "good" reason or doesn't make sense to you) and not pass judgment or take offense, then you begin to let go of your ego and move towards compassion and understanding.

horses also require a level of consistency and being present to build genuine connection that is difficult to maintain, but is so immensely important....they don't have a concept of the future. they are entirely in the present with what their past has taught them, an aspect of which may be whether or not they can know what to expect from you, which for a prey animal (really for all of us) is vital. animals know when you are not there with them mentally, and they understand lack of consistency. one of my favorite quotes regarding horses is from ray hunt "they know when you know, and they know when you don't." they are simply there, and if you can really be there with them, that is a very great gift.

a cornerstone of my philosophy about horses is that they (and we) want to "be seen and heard, feel felt, and get gotten" (sarah schlote) and i think this is also what god does for us. there is immense power in being with someone in their vulnerability with a total lack of judgment, it facilitates connection like little else. horses get trauma and have to relearn trust too and helping them through it is a very unique and rewarding experience. i channel the stability and peace and consistency i get from god when i work with horses and it's like the most important part.

also there's undeniably an esoteric aspect of working with animals that people don't necessarily talk about because it's hard or impossible to quantify. i say this as a person invested in science with a not insignificant skeptic streak, when animal training is reduced to pure quantifiable reinforcement quadrant behaviorism it becomes quite flat. this is the other side of the pendulum from "the horse is playing tricks on you" anthropomorphism. fortunately modern animal behaviorism has moved beyond the skinner box so i want to say this isn't really a problem and i'm definitely more concerned with anthropomorphization, but worth mentioning that science is a growing thing and there are areas it hasn't reached yet.

bonus pictures of some of my horse friends because this post isn't long enough 💞