#this is also why interpreting dean as a bottom when it comes to his relationship with men specifically is wrong

[lambmotifz]

dean is canonically straight and homophobic, but he might have some weird attraction to little brother shaped guys whom he wants to domtop and call them “little brother” while being balls deep inside them

[shallowseeker]

Who called cas a pretty angel? A demon (crowley?) I know he said that cas has sex appeal, but I can't remember whether or not Crowley called him pretty . Or was it Balthazar or other angels. I remember someone calling cas a pretty angel

I was on the ao3 tag looking through some dean cas fics and came across this highschool fic and how dean was a jock, cool guy and like cas is the nerd that was basically the intro and then it got me thinking of all these other highschool intro fics that makes cas the nerd etc

And like for all intents and purposes it makes more sense for cas to be the jock. Throwback to ishm calling him an angels angel. Like it makes sense that cas would be the cool one Specifically the type who is cool but internally doesn't feel like he belongs with them since he doesn't fit in that crowd.

Why I am I ranting lol it's probably cause its 1 am lol

But cas was the cool angel right? when he was still in and accepted by the angels

I think you're thinking of Changing Channels: "No, no. *MR. Trickster does not like pretty-boy angels." :-)

///

There are snide comments made about Cas's attractiveness, sure, with Gabriel and most demonic characters. But those are mostly power-motioned taunting.

You’re right about Crowley. I think Crowley's positive associations were, "Buddy Boy, you have what they call sex appeal." ("Thank you. Get to the point.") And if you squint, "You like to bend em right over, don't you?" which is the mated joke to Crowley's failed taunting, "You're the bottom in this relationship." (However, Cas on Crowley in TMWWBK? “But I was smarter than him, stronger. (I wasn't ever threatened.)")

///

IMHO, Cas is canonically implied to be handsome, simply by how regular people react to him. There's the woman on the television in season 6, saying (of Godstiel) - "He was SEXY." (After which Dean quickly turns off the TV.) Although...it's hard to say whether she was simply having a "Ted-Bundy-groupie-style" fawning moment... We can point to Mandy the waitress, but maybe she was just playing along and fawning over the guy who looked most likely to leave tips...

I guess it's up to interpretation.

I happen to think Cas's sexiness extends beyond his vessel. There's the "Angel's angel" line, of course, but also in Metatron's taunting of the beautiful Hannah wanted to be "dominated" by a more rugged experienced-battalion-oriented angel.

Taken together, I think it's pretty safe to say Cas is considered handsome, rugged, strong, cool, popular etc; both in-vessel and as simply a natural way of his being among the angels.

///

On your second point, I think fanfic is safe to explore just about anything, so I don't fault whatever way it wants to swing!

Cas certainly has enough dorky/“doof” moments to play with, and he's very brainy/eccentric/philosophical sometimes! Plus, I think there's some actor bleed-over with Misha Collins, honestly, who is in my head more similar to Dean than Castiel. (But that's neither here nor there.)

I do happen to think that in-world, all signs point to, "Cas is popular/cool even when he's a doof."

I actually think Cas exemplifies, "Even when he loses, he wins," more than the characters that actually long to exemplify this, especially when it comes to people and “being likable.” It frustrates characters like Metatron (probably also Crowley, Rowena, Chuck Shurley, even Sam -> "i.e. characters with have ambition but can't seem to muster up enough natural charisma to get where they wanna go").

And I think part of that is...well. Castiel has charisma. He has a natural willingness to play big and fail spectacularly. (Unlike characters like Rowena or Crowley, Cas usually puts his own skin in the game/his own self on the line as “the muscle.”)

In one-on-one battle, Metatron laments Cas's abilities to be popular. He calls him various things like, "the villain/lame/braindead puppy/stupid jock/underdog. Metatron is holding the high cards, even the angel tablet! And yet Castiel manages to match his nice guy 4D chess...somehow. “I didn't think he'd be good at it!" (NOTE: After all that, Metatron kinda…resorts to killing Dean as petty revenge.)

Metatron certainly comes off as "no fair! He's not even trying to be cool and here I am putting in all this effort to look cool and no one sees me as anything other than a loser!" Or "Why is it lame when I do it, but people fawn over Ass-stiel?! I'm a nice guy!!!"

METATRON: Well, I could get a new face. TYRUS: You'd still be you -- a nerd trying to be one of the popular kids. Mnh-mnh....my guys will go running to Castiel.

We've all been there.

So yeah. Even when Castiel's "a doof," he's cool/popular and connects with others pretty effortlessly.

But it's Cas's willingness to spectacularly fail that gets him places, canonically. It wins him points with others even when that's not what he's trying to do. It's that earnestness. I'll quote Daphne in Scoobynatural on what she looks for in a guy: "Strong, sincere..."

I mean, just look at how quickly Rowena flipped on him. :-)

Aside/// Like Dean, Cas doesn't actually want the big things, not really. He wants the horrifically mundane little things (boring family life). Not because of what it represents, "Normal Life." It's not a checklist of status symbol of "Success" or "Making It."

No, for characters like Dean and Cas, it's simply an emotional thing. And I think it's part of what makes them likeable/able to form connections so much more readily than other characters.

[vivithefolle]

I just wanna ask, and don’t get mad at me cause I’m genuinely curious, how do you stan Ron? Like, I like him, but he is definitely misogynistic (slut shaming Ginny, treating hermione like she owes him something and being mad that she kissed someone years before, always objectifying Fleur, and acting like girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much). Like, by DH I feel like he definitely has mostly grown out of it, but still 6/7 books he’s kinda unbearable IMO

how do you stan Ron? 

Like this:

OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM DID YOU SEE MY BABY OH MY GOD. WHEN HARRY’S ARM HAD GONE KABLOOIE BECAUSE OF LOCKHART AND HE. RON. HE WAS. HELPING HIM GET DRESSED???? OH MY GOD BABY???? HHHHNNNNGGGG. AND. AND. AND ALSO WHEN HE. OMG. WHEN HE WAS PUTTING FOOD ON HIS FRIENDS’ PLATES LIKE. MOM FRIEND ALERT MOM FRIEND ALERT MOM FRIEND ALERT. AND THE WAY HE’S ALWAYS BLUSHING AND BEING EMBARRASSED AT THE SLIGHTEST PRAISE BUT ALSO HE’S SO DESPERATELY SEEKING IT BUT HE KNOWS HE CAN’T TAKE IT AND EEK EEK EEK THAT’S SO CUTE SOMEONE HOLD ME IT’S ADORABLE RONALD WEASLEY YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME IT’S ILLEGAL TO BE THIS CUTE!!!!

Ok and then.

he is definitely misogynistic 

No. And here’s why.

slut shaming Ginny 

Yes, that was wrong. And guess what, that’s also something he probably - scratch that, definitely - picked up from his mother. And also his brothers, recall how Fred and George too don’t like to see Ginny go around with boys. There’s also something to recall: Ron was there when Ginny was taken into the Chamber of Secrets and learned later that it was because she had trusted an older guy. You seriously wouldn’t be paranoid about who your sister dates after that? It was wrong. Yeah. And he more than learned his lesson when Ginny clapped back by virgin-shaming him and basically told him that he was childish because he hadn’t have a relationship yet. So would that make Ginny sexist too? Or is it just for Ron?

treating hermione like she owes him something 

..................... uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh... when? When the fuck did anything like that happen?

He made a prat of himself at the Yule Ball, that much is obvious. But he didn’t tell her anything like “you should be with me” or didn’t insinuate anything of the sort. He was a jealous bitch but kept attacking Krum, not Hermione.

If you mean in sixth year when he treated her with “icy, sneering indifference” for the course of two weeks, yeah that was bad but that’s not “treating her like she owes him something”, the fuck?

being mad that she kissed someone years before 

Yeah. I know. And that was bad, ooooh you got me to admit Ron did bad stuff, that’s what you want to see, right? And I reckon he was also mad that she hid it from him, and that he had to learn it from his sister of all people. We see Ron handles what he considers betrayals terribly. I have some meta discussing the possibility that he has a form of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

always objectifying Fleur 

Um... no, he doesn’t. He makes a stupid comment about her once in GOF then stops. Let’s also fucking remember that Fleur is a Veela, she literally makes guys stare at her as part of her powers!! I’m not blaming her because she’s literally born that way, but you can’t blame someone who is under magical compulsion either.

acting like girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much 

So tell me why he was friends with Hermione then?

Because Hermione wasn’t Emma Watson the super hawt sexy model goddess. Hermione was Mrs Generic. Until this once at the Yule Ball when she got the pretty princess perfect Mary Sue makeover but then stopped because she had to remain ~relatable uwu~.

Again. Ron made stupid sexist comments. But it’s actively shown that he doesn’t follow up on them. If he did indeed live by the motto “girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much”, explain to me why he wasn’t simping and drooling all over Padma Patil who is explicitly stated to be one of the prettiest girls at school when she was his date? Why exactly did he ignore her and was a miserable twat the whole evening instead of basking in the joy of having snagging a girl that was “worth it”? Well surprise, it’s because HE ACTUALLY ISN’T LIKE THAT AND WHAT HE SAYS IS MAYBE SHIT HIS “COOL OLDER BROTHERS” SAY AND HE THINKS THAT BY EXTENSION IT WOULD MAKE HIM COOL TO REPEAT IT. MIMETISM, THAT'S BASIC FUCKING HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY FOR FUCKING TODDLERS MY FUCKING GOD.

Like, by DH I feel like he definitely has mostly grown out of it, 

............

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so. so why. so why wouldn’t you. use that. as a reason. to stan him.

like.

fuck all the “hurr durr ron weasley the boy who made it out of the friendzone!!!!” bullshit, let’s start going with “Ron Weasley, the Boy who became a Man, and not one of those 'uugghh im such an alpha male’ ones but one that’s got the balls to say ‘hey love, I’ve got an idea, what if you kept doing that job you love and feel passionate about while I support you and do the majority of the childcare while also working a smaller job on the side so we’re never short on money’“

Why you people gotta be “yeah I like Ron BUTT” when you know full-well this fucking awful fandom will rake him over hot coals over the slightest mistake he does - worse, will actively go out of their way to interpret his positive moments in the most negative way possible??? Fuck off with that bullshit. Ron dared to say bad stuff omygah big deal, he was forgiven for it all and you’re just all cowards looking to feel “pure” by telling yourself “oh yeah but he was problematic once uwu”. FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

but still 6/7 books he’s kinda unbearable IMO 

And IMO he’s not, funny how that works

So.

I guess it’s impossible to stan Ron because he was problematic uwu.

Ok.

Then I hereby decree that it’s impossible to stan Hermione Granger because:

“I’ll bet you wish you hadn’t given up Divination now, don’t you, Hermione?” asked Parvati, smirking. [...] “Not  really,”  said  Hermione  indifferently,  who  was  reading  the  Daily Prophet. “I’ve never really liked horses.” She turned a page of the newspaper, scanning its columns. “He’s not a horse, he’s a centaur!” said Lavender, sounding shocked. “A gorgeous centaur . . .” sighed Parvati. “Either  way,  he’s  still  got  four  legs,”  said  Hermione  coolly.  “Any-way, I thought you two were all upset that Trelawney had gone?” - Order of the Phoenix, ch 27

wow casual use of a racial slur yay!!! A+

And it’s also forbidden to stan Harry Potter either since:

It was raining hard now, and she was nowhere to be seen. He simply did not understand what had happened; half an hour ago they had been getting along fine. “Women!”  he  muttered  angrily,  sloshing  down  the  rain-washed  street with his hands in his pockets. “What did she want to talk about Cedric  for  anyway?  Why  does  she  always want to drag up a subject that makes her act like a human hosepipe?” - Order of the Phoenix, ch 25

and

“Harry! There you are, thank goodness! Hi, Luna!”  “What’s  happened  to  you?”  asked  Harry,  for  Hermione  looked  distinctly  disheveled,  rather  as  though she had just fought her way out of a thicket of Devil’s Snare.  “Oh,  I’ve  just  escaped  —  I  mean,  I’ve  just  left  Cormac,”  she  said.  “Under  the  mistletoe,”  she  added in explanation, as Harry continued to look questioningly at her.  “Serves you right for coming with him,” he told her severely.  “I thought he’d annoy Ron most,” said Hermione dispassionately. “I debated for a while about Zacharias Smith, but I thought, on the whole —”  “You considered Smith?” said Harry, revoked. - Half-Blood Prince

Victim-blaming! Nice Harry, nice. Always classy.

Ok, Ginny stanning is already cancelled because she virgin-shamed Ron, right, so who’s left, who’s left... ah yeah:

“There you go,” said Fred proudly. “Best range of love potions you’ll find anywhere.” - Half-Blood Prince

Selling date rape drugs proudly ouh là là. Bye Fred.

"Do they work?” she asked.  “Certainly they work, for up to twenty-four hours at a time depending on the weight of the boy in question...”  “...and the attractiveness of the girl,” said George, reappearing suddenly at their side. “But we’re not  selling  them  to  our  sister,”  he  added,  becoming  suddenly  stern,  “not  when  she’s  already  got  about five boys on the go from what we’ve...”  “Whatever you’ve heard from Ron is a big fat lie,” said Ginny calmly, leaning forward to take a small pink pot off the shelf.

Assuming that only girls use love potions, and only on boys. Men never rape in JKR’s world, only women do, you heard it from George Weasley here folks, I’m just passing on the message. Ah and I hope you’re also starting the Fred And George Hate Club given how he’s also slut-shaming Ginny.

“What’s this?”  “Guaranteed  ten-second  pimple  vanisher,”  said  Fred.  “Excellent  on  everything  from  boils  to  blackheads,  but  don’t  change  the  subject.  Are  you  or  are  you  not  currently  going  out  with  a  boy  called Dean Thomas?” “Yes, I am,” said Ginny. “And last time I looked, he was definitely one boy, not five. What are those?”  She  was  pointing  at  a  number  of  round  balls  of  fluff  in  shades  of  pink  and  purple,  all  rolling  around the bottom of a cage and emitting high-pitched squeaks.  “Pygmy  Puffs,”  said  George.  “Miniature  puffskeins,  we  can’t  breed  them  fast  enough.  So  what  about Michael Corner?”  “I  dumped  him,  he  was  a  bad  loser,”  said  Ginny,  putting  a  finger  through  the  bars  of  the  cage  and watching the Pygmy Puffs crowd around it. “They’re really cute!”  “They’re  fairly  cuddly,  yes,”  conceded  Fred.  “But  you’re  moving  through  boyfriends  a  bit  fast,  aren’t you?”  Ginny turned to look at him, her hands on her hips. There was such a Mrs. Weasley-ish glare on her face that Harry was surprised Fred didn’t recoil.  “It’s none of your business. And I’ll thank you” she added angrily to Ron, who had just appeared at George’s elbow, laden with merchandise, “not to tell tales about me to these two!”

Ah, good on you for defending yourself, Ginny, but remember, Ginny stanning is prohibited because she’s been problematic in the past and is gonna be problematic in the future and that’s baaaaaaad. Careful kids, don’t get ideas. It’s problematic to like people who’ve done problematic things.

So I guess nobody can like anything or anyone now. Sorry guys. Liking things is evil, what if the thing you liked had, OR USED TO HAVE, *gasp* flaws, can’t take that risk, ohmygah.

[wincestation]

Wincest in the Pilot (aka my final paper)

2k of academic rambling. I got plenty of help and inspiration from this post and this blog review. Also huge thanks to @s2e11playthings for helping me find the latter. It is me! Essay-anon came out of the shadows!

The first interaction between the two brothers as adults occurs when Dean sneaks into Sam's apartment in the middle of the night. Sam fights the intruder before the latter pins him to the floor, making him realize it's his brother. The first words Dean tells him after not seeing him for two years are, "Easy, tiger." Dean's hand grabs Sam's neck and he smiles broadly at his little brother. As stated in the subsequent dialogue, the reason Dean appears this way is because he knows Sam would not have answered the phone if he had called. Why? the only reason Dean would call (which is also the reason he showed up) is that something happened to their father. Sam knows this, and maybe he didn't care if something really did happen to John. But what if John was the one who called? Maybe then Sam would answer, because he knows that this phone call has a different meaning: something happened to Dean.

Sam and Dean step outside to talk. Sam initially refuses to come with his brother, saying he is done with hunting, with the life that Dean and their father lead. Dean mocks Sam's aspiration for a normal life, perhaps as part of an attempt to persuade Sam to come with him, and return to the life they always shared together. After an argument between the two, involving emotional manipulations on both sides ("It wasn't easy, but it wasn't so bad", Dean dismisses Sam's words; "Do you think Mom would've wanted this for us?" Sam touches on a sensitive point), Dean understands that his brother is not about to give up, and finally reveals the real reason for his arrival:

Dean: I can't do this alone.

Sam: Yes, you can.

Dean: Well, I don't want to.

Dean completely contradicts everything he had said up to this point. In this sentence he expresses an emotional need for Sam, not a practical need. He could have sought out their father alone but chose not to; Maybe he saw the danger to his father's life as a good enough reason for Sam to come back to their lives again. Sam can not remain indifferent to this emotional vulnerability, and agrees to come with him - not because he cares what happens to their father, but because he too, like Dean, needs his brother and does not want to say goodbye to him again.

Sam agrees on one condition: he has an interview on Monday and he must get back on time. Dean agrees. Sam could have offered Dean to sleep on the couch and drive in the morning, or even go after the interview. But he does none of these things, and travels with him at that moment, in the middle of the night, without providing explanations to his girlfriend and without even kissing her goodbye. "At least tell me where you're going?" She calls after him as he leaves, with no answer. This urgency can be interpreted as a concern for the safety of Winchester Sr. but given the relationship between him and Sam, this is probably not the case. Why then is Sam in such a hurry to abandon the life he, allegedly, wants so much? In light of the dialogue between the two brothers the answer seems simple. He missed his brother, and now that he knows this feeling is mutual, he feels he has a good enough reason to leave the "normal" life behind - even if only for one weekend. This confirmation is the real reason he's arguing with his brother. The dialogue between them, according to this interpretation, is full of subtext:

Dean: I will not go until you come with me, or kick me out of your life forever.

Sam: If you want me to come, you need to tell me what I need to hear.

Dean: Don't make me say it out loud.

The two set out to find their father. After research, Sam and Dean discover that the monster of the week is a "woman in white" - a ghost that kills unfaithful men. Later in the episode, the ghost tries to attack Sam, who tells her she can't hurt him, because "I'm not unfaithful, I never was." She replies, "You will be." The hegemonic interpretation, presumably meant by the creators of the series, is that Sam is about to cheat on Jessica with the murderous ghost (with or without his consent). But Sam being targeted can be interpreted in another way. Is he going to betray his girlfriend by wanting to return to the life he shared with Dean and their father? Or even, can it be said that he did not betray her, but his brother, by leaving the family and trying to live a "normal" life with a woman?

The scene on the bridge, in which another confrontation takes place between Sam and Dean, can also be interpreted in two ways. Sam says, half in mockery and half in pity, "Mom is dead, and nothing will bring her back." Dean, in a fit of rage, grabs his brother and slams him at one of the bridge poles. "Don't you dare talk about her like that." This is of course one meaning of things. Another meaning could be, "Dean, I moved on, and nothing will bring me back." To this Dean responds in the only way he knows, "don't you dare not give up on me like that." Throughout the episode, and in this scene in particular, Dean repeatedly mocks Sam's choice to leave college - "Do you really think you're going to become a lawyer? Marry your girl?" - And this ridicule can stem from jealousy over the seemingly perfect and normal life that Sam managed to achieve, but at its core is another jealousy: Sam chose this life over a life with him.

The series hit screens in 2005. About two months after the premiere of the first episode, a blog review titled "Supermatural is Supergay" was published. The author described the series as follows:

It’s like the Hardy Boys, only gayer. I love the awkward sexual tension between the brothers. […] So Dean is the super control freak “top”. He has to be driving at all times. […] Sam rides in the passenger seat. He’s the soft spoken bottom boy, always staring out the window in this deep, dreamy state of mind. No idea what the hell he’s thinking about, but I suspect he is wondering where this relationship is going, and if Dean will ever say “I love you”.

Wait a minute… don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about incest here. See, that's the backstory. They are not really brothers. They are secret lovers, hiding their dirty affair. So they pretend to be brothers so nobody questions why they are together 24/7, why they share a bed. […] Throughout the episodes, they give each other hot glances. It’s never part of the dialogue, they just look like they will rip each other’s clothes off at any given moment. […]

UPDATE: On last Tuesday's episode, "Bugs", they were mistaken for a gay couple and then pretended to be a gay couple in the next scene. See, I told you they are gay guys pretending to be brothers. You heard it here first.

Although the writer was wrong in his assumption - Sam and Dean are indeed brothers - he makes a claim that will receive many reinforcements from the fans. There is a certain tension between the two characters, a codependence bordering on desperation that often later in the show will cause them to take extreme steps to keep each other safe. The brothers' love borders on obsession, which caused many fans to agree with the blogger's opinion - just a week after the first episode was aired, the first online community dedicated to the romantic relationship between the two brothers already opened (sn_slash, or Supernatural Slash, "for all your brotherly needs"). It is difficult to say whether the homoerotic clues came from the creators and were picked up by the audience, or whether the audience interpreted the show as he wished and the creators decided to satisfy their desires, but throughout the series there is recognition of the two's special relationship: In "Bugs" [1x08], everyone is convinced they are a couple and they continue the pretense; In later seasons, the brothers discover that books are being written about their lives, and that many fans of these books are convinced they are a couple (in "The Real Ghostbusters" [5x09] in the Supernatural convention, there is a panel called "The Homoerotic Undertones in Supernatural"); And many of the characters in the series, even those who know about the two being brothers, describe their relationship as one of codependence, blind and absolute love, for which they often sacrifice the entire world ("Sam and Dean Winchester are psychotically, irrationally, erotically codependent on each other", [5x19] "The point of no return").

Did the creators not understand that this is the message they are transmitting? It is hard to believe that they were unanimous on the subject, especially in light of all the reflexive references they themselves have planted in the show. If so, what could be their reason for engaging in a relationship that is fundamentally unnatural, perverse and forbidden, socially and often legally? This can be explained with the help of another issue - that of the exclusion of LGBTQ+ relationships from the public sphere and the lack of legitimacy for their visibility. Supernatural hit the screens in 2005, a time that may not seem so long ago, but its gay visibility is still lacking, and in which there was still no legitimacy to present a proud couple in popular culture. Maybe, as the blogger suggested in his review, the creators genuinely wanted to create a series that would center around love between two men, but felt that the world was not ready to see that content explicitly. After all, it was only a few decades ago that homosexuality was also perceived as unnatural, perverse and forbidden. Maybe acknowledging that, the creators chose to turn Sam and Dean into brothers, as if to reassure the conservatives: of course they are not just two men who are together at any given moment, staring at each other longingly and willing to sacrifice the whole world just so they won't be left without each other. That could be interpreted as homosexuality - and beyond the harsh criticism, such TV series simply wouldn't survive (or at least, that is how the creators may have felt at the time). And if some of the fans understood the true meaning in which the creators wanted engage, well, that was not in their hands.

To sum up, it is difficult to argue that this relationship is characterized as purely platonic. Even if the creators did not intend to create such an impression already in the first episode, they were aware of this impression and included explicit references to this unusual relationship. Although only an analysis of the first episode was conducted here, throughout the entire series there are unequivocal statements that support this assumption (some of which I mentioned above, but most of which have been omitted). And perhaps there is no need for many words beyond those uttered by the brothers themselves, for the first time in the pilot, and for the last time in the finale ("Carry on" [15x20]), before they said goodbye to each other for the last time: "I can't do this alone. I don't want to."

[nancylou444]

I tried to be nice

Replies to this post:

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Became this:

THEM:  hi! thanks for the answers I really appreciate the discussion. normally if someone ships something I don’t like or something like that, I’ll just leave them alone but.. just to be clear I completely respect all of your opinions, even agree with some of them, even if we might disagree on the incest and Castiel haha. So I don’t mean any disrespect with this at all, please let me know if I’m out of line though!  

 But... I saw some things you said, and they come across to me in a way that I don’t think you intended? I feel really awkward sending this haha, you’re very nice and I don’t think you said anything on purpose, but I just.. wanted to let you know that some of the things regarding your opinion on certain characters come across not very well? I don’t think it’s intentional or anything, and I don’t mean to call you out at all which is why I didn’t want to point it out in the replies y’know?  

 Don’t get me wrong though, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not liking castiel or destiel. I’ve been watching the show for a while with my dad, and he isn’t a huge fan either, I don’t think that’s a problem :) 

I’d continue without waiting for a response but I don’t want to say something you’ve already been told, or continue without knowing if I’ve said something out of line already 😅

ME:  I'm kind of distracted dealing with my Mom's rehab center. But you can keep going.

THEM: Alright! I’ve tried rephrasing this a million times but I don’t know how to make it seem not antagonistic. I promise I don’t mean that you’re doing it intentionally, it’s just, uh a lot of your criticism of spn feels like it could be read as homophobic? Again I don’t think YOU are I just wanted you to know it kind of reads that way!

That sounded so confrontational. I really don’t mean it that way 😭

ME: HOMOPHOBIC? Really? A lot of the 'proof' your fellow shippers use border on stereotypes but you think I'M homophobic? Considering my top two ships are Wincest and Malec. Yeah, sounds confrontational.

THEM:  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I guess there’s no other way to say it, but I understand why you feel accused. What do you mean by proof..?

Also I don’t really think having gay ships means you can’t be homophobic. *I* used to be homophobic years ago, and I’m a gay person!

ME:  How old are you? https://nancylou444.tumblr.com/post/154098904136/a-guide-to-dean-winchesters-imaginary-bisexuality

THEM:  yeah this is starting to get frustrating. I’m gonna be real with you, why does it matter if people think dean is bisexual? like, bottom line, that is my question for you

and your answer will determine if your veracity is homophobic. why does it matter that some people think dean is bisexual. not the fans or actors or writers or anything. why does it matter that some viewers will watch, and they will think dean is bisexual?

ME:  My problem isn't that some people think he is bi IN FANON, my problem is that they want CONFIRMATION OF A FANON SHIP. And that some people DENY how the show ended. These same people think that fake weddings are more canon than the FINAL EPISODE.

THEM:  I get what you mean, but how is it a fanon ship when it’s confirmed romantic from one side, and interpretable as mutually reciprocated in Latin America? (I’m going to disregard the bit about the wedding, because I’m a firm believer in Neil Gaiman variety death of the author. Also that’s just people having fun with fanon, who cares?)

ME:  Confirmed romantic?By whom MISHA, who wanted to sell necklaces? Have you never said 'i love you' to a FRIEND or FAMILY member? The dub is not canon, so don't even try using that as proof. Death of the author is just another way of saying MY VIEW OF THE SHOW IS SUPERIOR TO HOW THE CREATOR WANTS TO SEE IT. Jensen has said many times that the ship isn't canon and that Dean is straight. But it's better to believe what Misha says because he agrees with you. You think somebody is bi because of how they sit or the color clothes they wear? That would make YOU homophobe.

THEM:  LOL You know what? I change my answer. I looked through your blog and you ACTIVELY and viscously hate Cas, Charlie, Claire, Kaia and the implication that Jack may not be straight. You’ve said Cas coming out as gay and in love with dean makes the rest of his actions predatory, compared him to a teenage girl, called him creepy, and openly rejoiced in your idea that dean looked ‘disgusted with him’. You said that Claire is awful, that Kaia is a wooden plank, that they ‘shoved them together’ for ‘woke points’ and said that Jody saying Claire was IN LOVE WITH Kaia ‘doesnt count’ and called it ‘lip service’. And it doesn’t end there! After all this, you said that you preferred the old better s4 Claire. Is it because she was ostensibly straight? Are you uncomfortable with queer women? And then you have the audacity to use these characters (Claire and Kaia and Charlie) as reasons to epicly own the Hellers and claim they already have represention. You are a completely disingenuous bitch and I don’t care to be nice to you anymore! I don’t feel AT ALL charitable toward you anymore, and I don’t care if you have gay ships. Gay people aren’t here for you to fetishize! You CONSTANTLY mock and ridicule jokes made by queer people regarding deans bisexuality or Cas being gay or any number of things. You constantly reaffirm that Dean is straight and call people who think otherwise delusional and disgusting, while you think dean is in romantic sexual love with his male sibling. You are openly hostile to the idea of non-binary jack and were pissed that Alcal endorsed that. You devalue Jack’s value and relationship to Cas who is, textually, his father figure. I have NO reason not to think that you are homophobic. I don’t care anymore! You’re a huge bitch and, judging by your prior responses and posts, a genuine dialogue regarding queerness in spn is impossible. You regard any instance of canonically queer moments ‘lip service’ and so regard it. You actively hate every canonically gay character and degrade them using traditionally homophobic tropes and stereotypes.

Feel free to explain how you aren’t homophobic. I’m so sorry if I got the wrong impression.

ME: Wow I see your true colors have come out HELLER.

THEM:  Idc if you think I’m mean. Go ahead and make a post about me lol, have fun with it. Give me a moment to respond to your paragraph it’s... a lot to dissect.

I’ll touch on your comments about the dub and the Spanish language in a moment. First though

I ’m gonna be real with you, I don’t think you know what death of the author is. Neil Gaiman’s variety of the dead author principal is that once canon ends, the story belongs to those that consume and engage with it. That’s... also literally the theme of supernaturals final season. Anyway I really recommend you read up on death of the author and Neil Gaiman’s takes on fanon. It’s a fun way to consume your media, and in the end that’s what I’m here for.

I don’t care what Misha says, and I don’t care what Jensen says! I think they are both queer because I have eyes and watched the show. I think it’s a lovely narrative that is supported by canon, and it’s fine if you disagree with that

On your last sentence there... lol. It’s a common joke in queer circles that gays can’t sit properly, specifically bisexuals. Same thing with the clothing, it’s a SUPER common joke for example that lesbians wear flannel. Maybe you need to go outside and talk to some normal, non-incest shipping queer people. But what do I know!

And finally... ‘the Spanish dub isnt canon’

I am literally cuban. My first language is SPANISH. my entire household speaks Spanish, and my family past 1st cousins don’t speak any English. My Boricua cousins have watched supernatural in full for years, and they watch it in Spanish. Do you think America is the center of the universe? Do you think our media is somehow less than yours, that our interpretations of English language media isn’t valid? What, do you think we are idiots who don’t know how to analyze literature and media? Do you think the people who work at Telemundo, people employed as dubbers and translators, you think they do a worse job than the American crew?

Why, because they aren’t American or don’t speak English? ‘Te amo’ said to a non family member is, in 99% of any instance, ROMANTIC. it’s something you say to your spouse in serious situations like weddings!! Even MARRIED people don’t normally say te amo, everyone uses te quiero unless it is very serious or romantic in context.

All of my family who are Spanish language, they heard dean say ‘y a yo ti, cas’ and think that they were in romantic love. Sorry dude! The United States might be the center of your universe, but Latin America is HUGE. Spanish is one of the most spoken languages in the WORLD. In fact, more people speak Spanish than English. Sorry that you seem to hate gay characters SO MUCH you have to say an entire language somehow isn’t valid to consume media in!

ME: 

Obviously this heller is batshit crazy. 

Some of those things she thinks I said just show she has no idea how to follow a tumblr thread. 

You are a completely disingenuous bitch and I don’t care to be nice to you anymore! I don’t feel AT ALL charitable toward you anymore, and I don’t care if you have gay ships. Gay people aren’t here for you to fetishize! You CONSTANTLY mock and ridicule jokes made by queer people regarding deans bisexuality or Cas being gay or any number of things. You constantly reaffirm that Dean is straight and call people who think otherwise delusional and disgusting, while you think dean is in romantic sexual love with his male sibling.

Wow. 

I have NO reason not to think that you are homophobic. I don’t care anymore! You’re a huge bitch and, judging by your prior responses and posts, a genuine dialogue regarding queerness in spn is impossible. You regard any instance of canonically queer moments ‘lip service’ and so regard it. You actively hate every canonically gay character and degrade them using traditionally homophobic tropes and stereotypes.

Where have I hated canon gay characters and degraded them using tropes and stereotypes? The bitch has me confused with HER FELLOW SHIPPERS. 

Gotta love how she is defending the Spanish dub. Hit a nerve did I? 

It’s a common joke in queer circles that gays can’t sit properly, specifically bisexuals. Same thing with the clothing, it’s a SUPER common joke for example that lesbians wear flannel. Maybe you need to go outside and talk to some normal, non-incest shipping queer people.

Now who is using stereotypes? 

[brokedex]

🎥💕💔🏳‍🌈💎📌!! go wild boss

YESSSS thank you for asking!!!

(all of these are answered under the read more for my current hyperfixation, reanimator)

🎥 do you have any favorite scenes from your hyperfixation?

one of my favorite scenes from the first one is when herbert and dan fight rufus in the basement. the swinging light was such a sick choice and the sound design/acting with the rufus puppet makes it so frantic and suspenseful!!

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

the titular bride of reanimator!!! gloria my beloved!!!!! she's such a tragic character and I wish she got more screentime. she's very much a return to the frankenstein influence with her similarities to the original creature: someone stitched together from parts who shoulders their creator's high expectations of a person before they're even born!!! neither creator is prepared to accept them as a full person with their own desires and agency and just forces them into a box (the "perfect human" or "perfect lover") then immediately rejects them for not meeting those unrealistic expectations. their violence and anger are results of being born into a world unprepared to accept them. this aspect of their characters also makes them kinda trans-coded to me as well.

on a thematic sense I interpret her as a sort of twisted telephone game of what herbert assumes dan would like in a woman. we've joked about it in the necroprancer fan club (reanimator) server a lot, with herbert panicking: "what women do men like?? ballerinas??? virgins?? LAWYERS??" she's also the deviant yet more desired counterpart to francesca, as francesca is an emotional replacement for meg but gloria is the literal physical replacement with meg's heart!! there's also the subtext of her being the allegorical "marriage-saving child" for herbert and dan. love divorce-coded mad science experiments! all of these expectations are so much for her to bear and I wish she could be allowed to exist as an independent person, but I think her tearing herself apart is still a fitting ending.

I could talk about this for a million years, mad scientists' creations make me cryyyy

💔 tell us about one of your LEAST favorite characters and why you dislike them.

I don't like lieutenant chapman from bride at all. apart from textually being an abuser cop, I don't think he added much to the movie. the acting also felt kinda weird, I feel like he was doing a sort of deadpan performance for most of it, I guess to make him a sort of dr. hill 2? it didn't work for me. I know he acts as an external force acting on dan and herbert to make their lives and building gloria harder, but I feel like he and hill coming back just filled very similar roles and took away time that could be used for better character/main story development. I don't really know why they felt the need to add one villain let alone TWO to bride when they could have had a more compelling story if they just focused on the characters' relationships!

🏳️‍🌈 do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

ohohohoho!!!!! yes! my strongest and most self-projecting hc is herbert being gay and trans because. just look at him. he's also very adhd/autistic to me and I relate to how he approaches social situations and his interests a lot!!

💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

yes! I'm sorry if you've ever watched either movie with me because I can't stop reciting the trivia. I'll give you a few facts:

• during the shovel scene, the second time herbert stabs hill with the shovel you can clearly see someone using a cup to throw blood on him from the bottom right

• there was originally a subplot where dr. hill could hypnotize people, and though the explanation was cut he seems to hypnotize herbert, meg, dean halsey, and all the morgue zombies anyway

• in the scene where herbert kills the first morgue zombie (played by arnold schwarzenegger's stunt double) with a bone saw, the effect was done by positioning the actor's head above a fake chest and putting hamburger meat on the emerging saw 

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

at the beginning of june a few of my friends were getting into it and it seemed right up my alley!! I was also getting into 80s horror as a whole at that time and had just watched the evil dead so I needed more buckets-of-blood popular-with-gays weirdass movies

[beatlejuice64]

Destiel: Season 8 - A catalog of Supernatural episodes

A catalog of each episode in Supernatural that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other, and scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality. 

Season 8 Summary Analysis

Cas does whatever he can to keep Dean safe while in Purgatory. Dean is determined to rescue Cas from Purgatory and blames himself for failing to do so. Dean suffers intense survivor’s guilt at losing Cas there, and he’s thrilled when Cas returns. When Cas reveals that he didn’t want to be saved and won’t go back to heaven because of the shame he feels, Dean makes space for his vulnerability. Cas grows more distant as he is brainwashed by Naomi, but Dean’s profession of love for Cas helps him resist her command to kill Dean. Dean is hurt when Cas leaves with the angel tablet, and Cas desperately tries to make things right by working with Metatron.

My interpretation: Cas and Dean grow closer during the time that Dean and Sam spend apart. Dean represses his love for Cas for most of the season, but he starts to grow more comfortable with his bisexuality over time, particularly through Charlie’s influence. When Cas disappears for a while mid-season, Dean realizes just how much he needs Cas and misses him. Dean was able to let go of his friendship with Benny, but he realizes that he can’t make the same choice with Cas. Dean finally voices his feelings for Cas in episode 17 (the line “We’re family” was originally written to be “I love you” Source: https://fandomdebunker.tumblr.com/post/64507789422/the-rumor-that-jensen-confirmed-the-i-love-you). Naomi recognizes that Castiel’s primary source of rebelliousness comes from his feelings for Dean, and she thinks that training him to kill Dean will stamp out his love for humanity and free will. When Cas breaks free of Noami’s mind control, his desperation to make things right with Dean leads him to be taken advantage of by Metatron.

8.01 We Need to Talk about Kevin

Cas leaves Dean when they first get to Purgatory to protect him from Leviathan that are hunting him.

When Benny approaches Dean with an offer to escape Purgatory, Dean insists that they find Cas first.

8.02 What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?

Dean is relieved to find Cas in Purgatory. He gives him a big hug and compliments him on the beard he has grown: “Nice peach fuzz.”

Cas is not exactly happy to see Dean, and he explains that he left Dean on purpose when they first got to Purgatory. Dean says he prayed to Cas every night after he left and is upset to find out that Cas heard him and chose not to respond. Cas explains that he’s been keeping his distance from Dean to keep the Leviathan away from him: “I have a price on my head, and I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to keep them away from you.”

Dean tries to convince Cas to go with him to escape Purgatory: “Cas, buddy, I need you.” “Let me bottom-line it for you—I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”

Cas is concerned for Dean’s safety, but agrees to go with him and Benny.

8.05 Blood Brother

Cas repeatedly expresses concern that the doorway out of Purgatory will not work for him, and Benny complains that Castiel’s presence is going to get them killed because he draws the monsters to them. Dean remains stubborn that Cas should stay with them and that he will find a way to get Cas out.

8.07 A Little Slice of Kevin

In Purgatory, Cas appreciates Dean‘s efforts to save him: “I’m just saying, if it doesn’t work, thank you for everything.”

Dean starts seeing Cas in random places intermittently—on the side of the road, out the window. Sam tries to console Dean, who is still dwelling on losing Cas in Purgatory: “You know, I could’ve pulled him out. I just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder.” “Dean, you did everything you could.” “Yeah, but why do I feel like crap?” “Survivor’s guilt? If you let it, this is gonna keep messing with you. You gotta walk past it.”

Dean is happy but incredulous when Cas shows up for real.

When Cas comes out of the bathroom after getting cleaned up, the camera pans up on him slowly, and Dean shifts in his chair. When Cas asks, “Better?” Sam looks over to Dean, who nods awkwardly.

Cas is pained to learn that Dean blames himself for not saving him: “It’s like you just gave up. It’s like you didn’t believe we could do it. I mean you kept saying that you didn’t think it would work. Did you not trust me? I did everything I could to get you out—everything! I did not leave you.” “So you think this is your fault?”

When going to save Kevin, Dean shows concern for Castiel’s safety since his powers haven’t fully returned: “That was a bonehead move back there. You could’ve gotten yourself killed. Why didn’t you wait for me?” “Well, I didn’t get killed, and it worked.” “And if it didn’t?” “It would’ve been my problem.” “Well, that’s not that way I see it.”

Cas tries to help Dean understand that he shouldn’t feel responsible for everyone around him: “Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility. Getting me out of Purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.” “You didn’t get out, so whose fault was it?” “It’s not about fault. It’s about will. ... You remembered it the way you needed to.” “Look, I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about. I don’t need it!”

When Cas explains that he wanted to punish himself, Dean is visibly concerned: “See, it wasn’t that I was weak. I was stronger than you. I pulled away. Nothing you could have done would have saved me, because I didn’t want to be saved.” “What the hell are you talkin’ about?” “It’s where I belonged. I needed to do penance. After the things I did on earth and in heaven, I didn’t deserve to be out, and I saw that clearly when I was there. I planned to stay all along. I just didn’t know how to tell you. You can’t save everyone, my friend, though you try.”

8.08 Hunter Heroici

While talking to Cas, Dean makes a reference to Vermont, one of the few states that has legalized gay marriage (the first state to do it through legislation): “So what now? Move to Vermont, open up a charming B&B?”

Cas says he wants to become a hunter and be Sam and Dean’s “third wheel.”

Dean teases Cas when Sam outsmarts him with his superior detective skills: “Strike one, Sherlock.”

Cas learns more about humanity and social interaction from working the case with Dean and Sam.

When Cas starts rifling through Dean’s toiletry bag and says he’ll stay in their hotel room, it makes Dean uncomfortable: “Cas, you gonna book a room or what?” “No, I’ll stay here.” “Oh, okay. Yeah, we’ll have a slumber party, braid Sam’s hair. Where are you gonna sleep?” “I don’t sleep.” “Okay, well, I need my four hours, so...” “I’ll watch over you.” “That’s not gonna happen.”

Cas is annoyed when Dean asks him to lift a heavy anvil—he wants to prove that he’s worth more than just his supernatural powers.

As Cas is looking though John’s journal, Dean asks him how he’s doing and shows genuine concern for his well-being. When Cas gets defensive, Dean makes space for Castiel’s feelings of vulnerability: “How you feeling, Cas?” “I’m fine.” “Well, I just... I know that when I got puked out of Purgatory, it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs.” “I’m fine.” “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you’re back. I’m freakin’ thrilled. It’s just this whole mysterious resurrection thing, always has one mother of a downside.” “So what do you want me to do?” “Maybe take a trip upstairs.” “To heaven?” “Yeah, poke around, see if the God squad can’t tell us how you got out.” “No.” “Look, man, I hate those flyin’ ass monkeys just as much as you do, but...” “Dean! I said no!” “Talk to me.” “Dean, I... when I was bad, and I had those things, the leviathans, writhing inside me, I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind, and I... I can’t go back.” “‘Cause if you do, the angels will kill you.” “Because if I see what heaven’s become, what I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

When an old woman flirts with Cas, he is visibly uncomfortable, but Dean is amused by it.

Dean compliments Cas and appreciates his help on the case: “Cas, you get to ride shotgun. You done good.”

Dean is disappointed when Cas says he won’t be sticking around with him and Sam.

8.10 Torn and Frayed

Naomi sends Cas to rescue Samandriel, and he seeks out Dean’s help. He shows up while Dean is sleeping and watches him for a while. When Dean wakes up to see Cas standing over him, he’s startled: “Damn it, Cas. How many times I gotta tell you, it’s just creepy!” (Apparently, this has happened many times before.)

Dean tries to hide his porn from Cas when he opens his laptop (note: he never tries to hide his porn from Sam). Cas reacts awkwardly, almost as if he’s curious to see it, but he looks away to protect Dean’s privacy.

With Sam gone, Dean and Cas investigate on their own. Their interactions indicate a high level of closeness: “That’s his serious face, yes.”

Cas helps bring Dean and Sam back together. He recognizes that they need each other, even if they won’t admit it: “We need everything, Dean. And I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?”

When Castiel’s eye starts bleeding from Naomi’s mind control, Dean expresses concern for his well-being. He also picks up on the fact that Cas has been acting strangely.

8.11 LARP and the Real Girl

When Dean talks about letting go of relationships, Charlie thinks he’s referring to a break-up of his own: “Trust me, this life, you can’t afford attachments. You just gotta let go.” “Are we still talking about Sam, or did you break up with someone, too?” (Dean could be referencing either Benny or Cas here.)

8.13 Everybody Hates Hitler

When Aaron flirts with Dean at a bar, Dean gets flustered and acts super awkward about it. Dean tries to make the excuse that he’s on an FBI case and cannot fraternize, but he stumbles over a chair on his way out: “I’m sorry, man. I hope I didn’t freak you out or anything.” “No! No. I’m not freaked out. It’s just a, you know, a federal thing.” (In previous years, Dean might have told the guy that he isn’t interested because he doesn’t swing that way, but in this instance, he doesn’t reject the idea outright.)

When speaking to Sam, Dean refers to the bar interaction as “a gay thing.” When he finds out that Aaron was just tailing him, he takes it in stride: “That was really good. You really had me there. That’s very smooth.”

8.16 Remember the Titans

Dean hasn’t heard from Cas in a long time, so he prays to him for help with Sam, exhibiting the implicit trust he has for Cas: “Cas, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I am not one for prayin’, ‘cause in my book, it’s the same as beggin’. But this is about Sam, so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind, and I don’t know what’s ahead, or what it’s gonna bring for Sam. Now, he’s covering pretty good, but I know that he is hurting, and this one was supposed to be on me. So for all that we’ve been through, I’m asking you... you keep a lookout for my little brother, okay?”

Dean has grown accustomed to Cas always being there for him, and he’s disappointed and downhearted when Cas doesn’t respond to his prayer: “Where the hell are you, man?”

8.17 Goodbye Stranger

We find out that Naomi has been training the brainwashed Cas to kill Dean.

Naomi wants Cas to continue lying to Dean and Sam, but he tries (and fails) to convince her that they would be more helpful if they knew the truth about his search for the angel tablet.

Dean is pissed off that Cas is behaving standoffish with him and recognizes that something isn’t right: “Well, he puts the ‘ass’ in ‘Cas,’ huh?” “He’s definitely off.” “Off? He hasn’t been right since he got back from Purgatory. We still don’t know how he got out of there.” “I don’t know, Dean. If he’s so sketchy, then why were you praying to him?”

When Sam and Dean find out Cas had lied to them, Dean takes it personally, but Sam doesn’t.

Meg flirts with Cas as he treats her wounds, and he doesn’t deny that he has a fondness for her. He even admits to enjoying the kiss they shared the previous season, and he seems to express interest in further sexual experiences: “These wounds have festered.” “You really do know how to make a girl’s nethers quiver, don’t you?” “I am aware of how to do that, although it doesn’t usually involve cleaning wounds.” “Why are you so sweet on me, Clarence?” “I don’t know, and I still don’t know who Clarence is.” “Would it kill you to watch a movie, read a book?” “A movie, no. But a book? With the proper spells, yeah, it could theoretically kill me.” “You know, you’re much cuter when you’re shutting up. So which Cas are you now? Original make and model or crazy town?” “I’m just me.” “So your noodle’s back in order?” “Yeah, my noodle remembers everything. I think it’s a pretty good noodle.” “Really. You remember everything?” “If you’re referring to the pizza man, yes, I remember the pizza man. And it’s a good memory.”

When Dean refuses to give the angel tablet to Cas, Naomi orders Cas to kill him. Cas tries (and fails) to convince her to let him reason with Dean instead: “I can reason with Dean. He’s a good man.”

Cas tries to resist Naomi’s mind control: “This isn’t right.” “Do you realize what that tablet can do for us? For heaven?” “I won’t hurt Dean.” “Yes, you will. You ARE.” “What have you done to me?”

Even as Cas is attacking him, Dean still believes that Cas would not hurt him on purpose: “Cas, fight this! This is not you! Fight it!”

Cas nearly kills Dean, but he stops at the last second after Dean professes his love for him. Cas chooses Dean over heaven (again): “Cas, I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. Cas, it’s me. We’re family. We need you. I need you.”

After the tablet breaks Cas free from Naomi, he heals Dean by cupping his face in his hand (as opposed to touching his forehead as he’s done before). He is appalled at what he’s done to Dean.

Dean is pissed off when Cas leaves with the tablet.

8.18 Freaks and Geeks

Sam asks Dean if he’s okay after getting pummeled by Cas, recognizing that it was probably an emotionally traumatizing experience. Dean brushes him off with humor to avoid talking about it: “Cas dinged you up pretty good.” “And?” “And I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” “What, like my feelings?” “If that’s what you want to talk about, sure.” “K, I’ll tell you what? Why don’t I go get some, uh, herbal tea, and you can find some cowboy junkies on the dial, and you know what? We’ll just talk it out.”

8.19 Taxi Driver

Naomi tries to convince Dean that she is trustworthy and that Cas was misguided, but Dean defends Cas and chooses to believe his side of the story: “Now Castiel is in the wind with a Hydrogen bomb in his pocket, and I’m scared for all of us.” “Save it. See, I don’t trust angels, which means I don’t trust you.” “And yet you haven’t warded this place against us. I know, you’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way. I know you don’t wanna believe it, Dean, but we’re on the same side—shutting the gates of hell, bringing Castiel in from the cold. Take a moment. Think about what I’ve said.”

8.20 Pac-Man Fever

While talking with Dean, Charlie refers to Cas as “dreamy.” (This is most likely for Dean’s benefit since we know from previous episodes that Charlie is only romantically interested in women.)

After sharing a traumatic emotional experience together, Charlie and Dean grow closer. Charlie’s influence helps Dean accept his feelings of vulnerability, which leads him to show affection for Sam and stop coddling him out of fear of losing him. Dean develops a deep respect for Charlie, and her example of self-acceptance also leads Dean to be more accepting of his own emotions.

8.21 The Great Escapist

Cas quotes Dean in defiance against Naomi: “In the words of a good friend, ‘Bite me!’”

8.22 Clip Show

When Cas returns, he apologizes to Dean, but Dean is angry at him. Dean is still hurt that Cas didn’t trust him with the angel tablet: “Dean, I’m sorry.” “For what?” “For everything.” “Everything. Like, uh, like ignoring us?” “Yes.” “Or like bolting off with the angel tablet, then losing it ‘cause you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust ME.” “Yes.” “Yeah. Nah, that’s not gonna cut it. Not this time. So you can take your little apology and you cram it up your ass.” “Dean, I thought I was doing the right thing.” “Yeah, you always do.”

Sam tries to convince Dean to let up on Cas, but Dean is having trouble letting go of his hurt: “Dude, go easy on Cas, okay? He’s one of the good guys.” “Look, if anybody else, I mean anybody, pulled that kind of crap, I would stab ‘em in their neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass.” “Because it’s Cas.”

After watching the exorcism video, Dean continues to be standoffish with Cas, who is frustrated that Dean won’t seem to give him a chance: “Dean, I just wanna help.” “We don’t need your help! Just stay here, and... get better.”

In an effort to ingratiate himself with Dean, Cas goes to a convenience store to pick up supplies, including jerky, Busty Asian Beauties, beer, and pie. When the clerk says they’re out of pie, Cas grabs him insistently: “You don’t understand. I NEED pie.”

Out of a desperate desire to make things right with heaven and with Dean, Cas unwittingly agrees to help Metatron, who takes advantage of his emotional vulnerability.

8.23 Sacrifice

When Cas comes to Dean for help to save Metatron from the other angels, he agrees to do it, despite the tension between them.

While waiting for a cupid to show up, Dean and Cas reconcile at the bar because they think this might be the last time they get to see each other: “Talk to me. You sure about this? I mean, it’s one thing, me and Sammy slamming the gates to the pit, but you, you’re boarding up heaven, and you’re lockin’ the door behind you.” “Yeah, I know.” “You did a lot of damage up there, man. You think they’re just gonna let that slide?” “Do you mean do I think they’ll kill me? Yeah, they might.” “So this is it. E.T. Goes home.”

When Dean realizes the cupid set up two men to fall in love, he’s awkwardly dumbfounded. (Dean’s deeply ingrained heteronormative worldview continues to trip him up, but this instance helps chip away at his social conditioning.)

When Sam collapses after stopping the third trial, Dean calls out to Cas for help.

[klove0511]

Milestones and Misunderstandings

SPN Rare Ship CC: Round 24 | @klove0511​ vs. @andromytta​, @rareshipcreationschallenge

Prompt: Clone-a-Willie kit

Ship: Sam/Cass

Rating: T

Word Count: 2711

Tags/Warnings: mildly homophobic!Mary, protective!Dean, oblivious!Dean, Sam has self-worth issues, fluff, Season 14

Summary: There is something different about Sam and Cass. The lingering stares, the intimate touches. The careful whispers and secret smiles. Dean knew it. He was going to get to the bottom of it, one way or another.

AO3 Link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17606804

Shoutouts to my awesome betas bananamilkunnie (aka @sweetteamultifandom) and @revwinchester! Thank you both for checking this over for me.

Milestones and Misunderstandings

It started innocently. Dean was observant, when he wanted to be, and even he was hard-pressed to ignore how much closer Sam and Cass seemed these days. More than once he’d caught Cass slipping food to Sam in the library or taking lore books from him and ushering him to bed. It stung, a little, that Cass had taken on Dean’s role as big brother in his absence, but Dean couldn’t be too upset. Someone had to watch out for Sam, and Dean had asked Cass to do it, once upon a time. Still, the soft looks between them spoke of something more. Dean considered it his big brother duty to get to the bottom of it and commence teasing as necessary.

Sam was, predictably, in the library with a pile of books in front of him.

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean said, pulling out a chair across from his brother.

Sam blinked at him. “Hey.” He frowned. “What’s going on?”

Dean did his best to sound casual. No need to scare Sammy off. “Nothing. I’ve, uh, just noticed you and Cass have been spending a lot of time together lately.”

“I suppose. He’s been staying close to the bunker for Jack. Well, that and there isn’t any angel business keeping him away for once. We’ve been taking advantage of the time.” Sam frowned. “It’s not too obvious, right? I know everyone from Apocalypse World has accepted Cass, but still. After everything angels have done to them I don’t know how they’d feel if they knew.”

Dean felt rather suddenly like he was all left feet and the conversation had somehow run away from him. “If they knew what? That you and Cass are friends? I think they know, Sam.”

Sam glowered, clearly communicating that he thought Dean was being an idiot on purpose. “No. Obviously I mean,” he waved vaguely, “the extratime we’ve been spending together.”

“What the hell are you—oh.” Suddenly it clicked. “You mean you and Cass are—” Dean also made a vague gesture that he hoped Sam could interpret. Teasing Sam over a crush was one thing, but he was completely unprepared for the possibility that Sam and Cass were already an item, and he couldn’t quite find the words he needed to articulate that.

“Well, yeah. Why do you look surprised? It’s not exactly news.” Sam was frowning hard enough that his worry line had appeared between his eyes.

Dean was struggling to find his footing here. Sam thought he knew. He implied that it wasn’t a new thing. “I don’t—How long?” He hoped that hadn’t sounded too much like an accusation.

“Years.”

“Years?” he choked.

“Yeah. It started after you left that last time. After—after Kevin.”

He remembered that particular black spot in their history too well. Cass had gone back to the bunker with Sam to finish healing the damage from the Trials. He’d thought that was all there was to it. “You’ve been hiding this for five years?

Sam’s face hardened instantly. “I wasn’t hiding anything, Dean. I thought you knew.”

“How the hell was I supposed to know? You never said anything. And you two sure don’t act like a couple. I mean you barely even touch each other.” He was flailing around at this point, but he didn’t care. He’d thought things were better than this between them. It should not have taken him five years to figure out that his little brother was in a serious relationship with his best friend.

“Just because not everyone is into PDA like y—”

“No, Sam. I’m not talking about making out in the halls or whatever, though that would have clued me in real fast. I mean touch—casual touch. Pats on the back or, or holding hands or something.” Dean could hear the frustration in his own voice and grimaced internally. This was not how this was supposed to go, but he had a nagging feeling that something was off about this relationship. He needed to get to the bottom of it.

Sam sighed. “It doesn’t matter what it looks like to you, Dean. We touch plenty when no one is watching. Even if we didn’t, I wouldn’t care. I mean—he’s an angel. After everything I’ve— The fact that he even gives me the time of day feels like a miracle.”

There it was. All Dean could hear was that Sam thought he wasn’t good enough, wasn’t worth Castiel’s time. It didn’t matter at all that he knew Sam had struggled with his self-worth over the years, that Dean himself had contributed to those issues as much as anyone. If Cass wasn’t making Sam happy then they needed to have a chat. Dean felt the fury brewing as he stormed out of the library. Time to have a conversation with Cass.

Dean ultimately found Cass in the storeroom, doing who knew what with the spell ingredients. “We need to talk,” he growled.

Cass looked up. “Sam said you were upset. What happened?”

“You’re sleeping with my brother!” he accused, finger pointed menacingly as he moved into Cass’s personal space.

Cass tilted his head. “I don’t understand. You know I don’t sl—”

“Sex, Cass. You’re having sex with Sam.”

Castiel straightened and took on a look that was deadly serious. “This bothers you. Why?”

“He’s my brother!”

Cass narrowed his eyes. “And?” When Dean didn’t have words to further clarify the issue with Cass’s eyes blazing at him, he continued. “He is a grown man. I was unaware we needed your permission.”

This conversation was also rapidly spinning out of his control. “It’s not about permission. It’s—Sam has a history with relationships.”

Castiel nodded. “You are referring to Jessica.”

Dean froze at how casually Cass dropped her name. Sam didn’t talk about her, ever. Except he very obviously had with his angel.

Cass continued, “I like to think I am doing rather well. I have come back to life nearly as many times as you.”

Dean frowned. That wasn’t the issue. Or rather, it was only part of the issue. “He thought I already knew. About the two of you. Despite the fact that you act nothing like a couple. And Sam apparently thinks it’s a fucking miracle you want to even talk to him. What the hell kind of relationship do you have?”

Cass’s expression darkened. “One in which I respect Sam’s boundaries. As for his opinion of himself, you think I don’t know? That I am not acutely aware of how little I deserve his affection after everything angels—after everything I have done to him?” He shrugged helplessly. “I cannot convince him.”

That was a surprise. He hadn’t expected Castiel to understand, to want to fix it as much as he did. But if he knew, if he wanted to change things—yeah, Dean could work with this. He remembered what Sam had said about the beginnings of their relationship and did some mental math. “So, tell me, what have you got planned for your anniversary?”

Cass’s confused head tilt told him everything he needed to know.

Hours later, Sam and Cass were alone in their room, snuggled on the bed with a Netflix documentary droning in the background. Sam played with the label on his beer bottle while Cass gently carded his fingers through Sam’s hair.

“I just don’t understand why he’s so upset about this,” Sam said. He looked up at Cass. “I really thought he knew.”

“I know. I believed Dean was more concerned about why you did not tell him of our relationship.” Cass let his voice drop even deeper.

Sam sighed heavily. “I didn’t tell him because I was sure he’d figured it out! That’s all!”

Cass’s pace never wavered. No matter how upset Sam became, he maintained his slow, methodical petting, knowing it would help calm Sam. “I believe you. You know how Dean worries. He has not forgotten what I did to your wall.”

Sam stiffened, then pulled himself out of Castiel’s reach. Cass felt his stomach drop in fear. It was a most unpleasant sensation. “Cass, that was years ago. Ancient history.”

Cass spoke softly. “I nearly killed you.” He wouldn’t hide from this. They had never discussed it, not really, and it was past time to do so.

“You saved me.” Sam shook his head. “You—you took on my memories to save my life.”

Cass kept his gaze neutral. “I was simply fixing my greatest mistake. I do not deserve your admiration or gratitude for that. I should never have hurt you, Sam.”

Sam stared at him. The frankness in his gaze was starting to make Castiel uncomfortable, and he thought he understood a little of what Dean had been telling him for years. Finally, he spoke. “You never forgave yourself for that.” His tone was full of wonder and understanding. “Does Dean know?”

Cass nodded. “We discussed many things today. He also enlightened me on the importance of celebrating the beginning of a relationship.”

Sam squinted while he tried to parse that into plain English. “What? The beg—Oh. You mean anniversaries?”

“Apparently they are most important in increments of five.” Cass reached out to pull Sam back into his embrace. Sam went easily and settled against Cass’s chest. “I’m surprised you never mentioned it.”

Sam shrugged. “Dates like that—birthdays, anniversaries—most of them carry bad memories for me. Besides, there’s always been so much going on that it didn’t seem that important, not like other things.”

Cass let his curiosity into his tone. “Other things?”

“You know. All the things we do when we’re actually together. Like this.”

“And intercourse.”

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, that too.” He twisted so he could catch Castiel’s lips.

Cass growled and pulled him tighter. Discussing their anniversary could wait.

Dean was drinking whiskey in the kitchen when Mary got home. He didn’t say anything, just raised his glass in acknowledgement.

“Hey. How are you?”

He assumed he looked like crap. Or maybe she just assumed the worst since he was drinking alone. “Fine. Just found out Sam is dating.”

Mary’s eyes widened. “Does he sleep at all? I didn’t think he’d have the time to find someone.”

Dean laughed brightly. It felt good after fighting with Sam all day. “Honestly? No, I don’t think he sleeps. But it’s Cass, so it’s not like he had to find time to go out to bars.”

Mary sank into the seat opposite Dean. “Sam is dating Cass?”

“You didn’t know either. That—actually does make me feel better.” He took a big swallow of his whiskey and winced at the burn. He lifted the bottle to refill his glass and offered it to her.

She waved it off. “I didn’t know Sam was like that.” Her voice was small.

He was a little drunk, so he wasn’t quite following her thread of the conversation. “Yeah, apparently they have been together for five years. Anniversary is tomorrow. I’m helping Cass plan something, but I have no idea what to get them as a gift.”

“It doesn’t bother you?” she asked.

“Sammy and Cass? Nah. I mean, I’m still kind of pissed that they never freaking said anything for five years, but that’s about it. Sam could do way worse. Has. Dude seriously has a thing for monsters though.”

“Do I want to know?” she said.

He shook his head and took a drink. “You really don’t. I mean, I liked Madison too. We didn’t find out she was a werewolf until later. But Ruby. That one was—” He rolled his eyes. “Anyway. Why, does it bother you?” There wasn’t any accusation in his tone, but his senses were starting to wake up. Like he might have to defend Sam.

She gave him a tight smile. “Things are so different these days. I forget sometimes. But he’s my son, and I will always love him. You’re right, he could do much worse than Castiel.”

Dean hesitated, weighing her words, then nodded. “Help me think of a gift for them?” He grinned at her, and she smiled warmly back.

Sam entered the dark kitchen and was startled when he realized it was occupied. Castiel was waiting by the table, trench coat conspicuously missing. On the table were some of the plain white candles they kept for spells, arranged in a cluster and lit. The lights were off, leaving the room lit by a soft glow. Something that smelled heavenly was served on the table. Sam knew what this looked like, but he couldn’t quite believe it.

“Cass, what is this?” His voice was softer than he expected.

Castiel smiled broadly. “Happy anniversary, Sam.”

“You cooked?” Sam asked.

“Dean cooked. He planned all of this. I merely agreed to let him do it.” Cass tugged on one of Sam’s hands, pulling him closer. “I thought it was time you had some good memories associated with our anniversary.”

“Thank you.” Sam smiled and brushed his lips against Cass’s.

Dinner was amazing, which wasn’t all that surprising since Dean had cooked it. What was more surprising was that Sam realized this was the first proper date they’d had in the whole five years they’d been together. “This was really nice, Cass,” he said.

Cass grinned. “Yes, it was. Dean also informed me that we have the entire bunker to ourselves for the night, and that after dinner I should take you in the library.”

Sam nearly choked on his bite of cheesecake at Castiel’s phrasing, though he was pretty sure the angel hadn’t meant it that way. “The whole bunker? Where is everyone?”

“Hunting, mostly, I believe. Dean and Mary have acquired motel rooms for the night. Jack is with them. And Dean has instructed everyone to check in with them instead of you until tomorrow.”

Just then, Sam’s phone buzzed in his pocket. His eyes widened as he scrambled for his phone. It had been silent all evening and he hadn’t even noticed. This was why he’d never made a big deal out of going on dates or celebrating anniversaries. He could barely handle turning his brain off long enough to get laid. Longer than that and someone was liable to get hurt. He pulled his cell out as he felt Castiel’s hands cover his.

“Everyone is safe, Sam. Dean is taking care of your hunters. You have the night off. Please, can we enjoy it?”

Sam took a deep breath. “Yeah. We can. But I did get a message. Can I?” The earnestness and love he saw in Cass’s eyes were almost painful. He didn’t deserve it.

Cass nodded agreement, and he checked his phone. One message from Dean, confirming everyone had made their check-ins. Everything was fine. He breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

After a moment, Cass took his hand and led him toward the library. Sam was about to say something, when he spotted a package sitting on one of the tables. He automatically reached for the note laying on top of it. He was expecting it to be from Dean, given the lengths to which his brother had apparently gone to give them a nice anniversary. Sure enough, Dean’s neat handwriting fill the sheet.

Sorry I was such a jerk earlier. It’s not everyday my little brother celebrates a milestone like this, especially with the lives we lead. I know things have been pretty rough the last couple years, and Mom helped me realize you’ve probably spent more time apart than you have together. Knowing our luck, that’s probably going to continue. Hopefully this makes future separations easier. –Dean

“Wow. This looks weirdly sincere,” Sam said, turning to hand the note to Cass.

Castiel hummed and wrapped Sam in a hug. “I believe Dean mentioned something about taking you in the library. Can it be time for that now?”

Sam chuckled and opened the gift, determined to tease Cass just a little longer. When he finally got a good look at the package, he froze.

Cass piped up from over his shoulder. “I do not understand. What is a Clone-a-Willy kit?”

Sam privately thought he was going to kill Dean. Then again, it had been an amazing night so far. Maybe he would let Dean off the hook, just this once.

[sidenotelife]

A match day running diary

A running diary of the day when I find out where I will do my residency training (post-graduate medical training). For those not familiar with the medical training process, briefly, medical students send out applications for post-graduate medical training to become board certified physicians, and this occurs sometime in the fall of senior year. Then over the winter medical students interview with these programs, and then in February all the progams rank the students they want and the students rank the programs they want. This all gets thrown into a computer somewhere that optimizes all the rank lists and spits out assignments for students and employees for residency programs. This post is a running diary of March 15th, the day we get our residency assignments. This post is loosely based on a true story.

7:27 AM. Depart breakfast at Sunrise Bistro. Great corn beef hash. Would highly recommend. 

8:55 AM. The costume theme for match day was “fictional characters” so we decided to dress up as son’s favorite thing which is Thomas the Train. Wife painted these shirts. Pretty legit. 

9:10 AM. Prepare vegetarian chili in crockpot for maximum efficiency. I found a recipe that suggested putting quinoa in vegetarian chili to give it a little extra volume to it. I also put in my fave secret ingredient which is Dr. Pepper. 

9:28 AM. Kids + Costumes ready. 

9:28 AM. Son: Can I see the picture? 

9:43 AM. Ken costume ready. I had to cut out a v so you could see my Sir Topham Hatt tie. Wife did not approve on my t-shirt cutting job. Can you blame her. 

10:07 AM. Walking to Charleston Music Hall with family and friend. 

Friend: Can’t wait to cheer really loud when you walk across the stage. 

Ken: Wait I’m not walking across the stage. 

Friend: *Massive disappointment* What why?

Ken: I don’t like the attention. Also I don’t like things with lots of people. Introvert probs. 🤷‍♂️

11:56 AM. Kids getting too crazy. Break out emergency Belgian waffles. It is truly an art to keep kids quiet and contained at any event. 

12:00 PM. Open envelopes... Sioux Falls Family Medicine! 

Hmm. I don’t look thrilled here. I think the exact emotion I had was how-should-I-feel-about-this, if that can be considered an emotion. Sidenote - Before I go further I feel the need to explain myself. I don’t want this to be conceived as disappointment that I matched where I matched. Sioux Falls was our #2 choice and honestly the only reason I didn’t rank it #1 was because of the weather. It is truly my privilege to have the opportunity to train there, but I feel it is of importance to analyze this emotion. This how-should-I-feel-about-this emotion. 

Match has, for better or worse, come to represent the culmination of the whole med school experience. If you match at the place you wanted, your #1 program, your emotions are those of elation. You feel everything was worth it. All those days suffering in the library, all the shit you had to take from residents that were out of line, all of it. If you don’t match at a desired place or worse yet, if you don’t match and have to scramble, it’s a nightmare. But I worry that this is an oversimplification of the process, and I worry that med school has become nothing more than a way to ensure you get a desireable job than a place where you learn to care for sick people. I fear this sentiment about match is driving the Step 1 mania. (Currently being covered beautifully by @jpcarmody on his blog, The Sheriff of Sodium). 

I think my emotions are also complicated by a personal change of heart I had sometime during the end of graduate school and the beginning of medical school. For so long I had worshipped at the throne of academia. When I came to medical school I dreamed of becoming the dean of my own medical school. When I started graduate school I dreamed of having a 30-person HHMI-funded lab/machine that would draw the envy of graduate students and postdocs everywhere. For so long I dreamed of my match day when one day I would announce that I was going to a sexy program like Stanford or Harvard or Duke. But I think during graduate school I started to understand the reality of academia, and especially the kind of academia that incentivizes the Cell/Nature/Science/NEJM rat race. My greatest frustration was that it was so hard to be ethical in academia. The academic system is fueled by the C/N/S/NEJM rat race, which in turn is fueled by stretching your data to look like it’s saying more than it actually does. It’s also fueled by outright lying and people producing fake data to get the data to fit the elegant hypothesis. I hated seeing mentors take advantage of students and postdocs, milking every last bit of productivity out of your underlings because that was truly the only way to survive. By looking out for yourself at all costs. I love science but I didn’t want to condone this sort of philosophy. I wanted to pursue physician-science in a way where I was not at the mercy of for-profit journal editors. I wanted to live in a world where we as a research team pursued science out of a desire to further the pursuit of knowledge and not just the next publication with a big impact factor. Maybe I was imagining a pipedream but it just didn’t feel like the right thing for me to jump into the traditional route of padding my resume at a top 5 med school. 

When I went back to med school for my clinical years, I initially felt tentative but still willing to enter my hat into this foray. Gradually several little things gearshifted me off this track, most prominently working with one attending in particular. I worked with this attending during my addiction psychiatry rotation, and I watched him work for six weeks. He is a genius, but I admired him for more than that. More than any other physician I’ve ever met, the compassion he had for his patients was palpable. You could feel his frustration with the system that made it hard for physicians to help patients. You could see the depths to which he pushed himself in order to provide true patient-oriented care, and not just the cheap talk that often gets thrown around. I acknowledge that some of these tendencies are dangerous, and risky, but it’s also beautiful. That’s the sort of feeling that fundamentally pushed me into going to medical school. Other people’s suffering pained my heart and I had to do something to relieve this pain, if only to relieve my own pain. I don’t know exactly what happened to this attending, but he no longer attends on the addicion psychiatry floor. As far as I know he’s taking a break from seeing patients. My best guess is he burned out and gave up his fight against the system. Hopefully I’m wrong. I don’t know. Frankly, I’m too afraid to know the answer. But when I saw that someone who had such compassion and such raw talent couldn’t make it in academic medicine, I knew I had to do something different. I saw that something different in Family Medicine. I saw that this specialty, one that is treated by some as the specialty that you pursue when you can’t get good enough Step 1 scores to pursue what you actually want to do, I saw this specialty as the one that could offer a true path to patient-centered care. I saw the flexibility offered by the diverse skillset you could obtain during family medicine residency. I saw the potential for real long-lasting relationships with patients. I saw the value in being a generalist in a medical world that’s becoming overpopulated with specialists. I’m still convinced family medicine is the right specialty for me, and I feel it offers the possibility for me to pursue physician-science my way. Yet, there’s also a part of myself that’s grieving that I didn’t match at Harvard or Stanford, that I’m not working in the HHMI-funded lab, that my home isn’t the building with beautiful modern architecture looking out at the beach. It’s not a part of me that I like but regretably it’s still a part of me, and I think that moment when I opened my match envelope and saw the official match result it was the first moment it was real. I was really choosing to give up the glamors of a top 5 med school to pursue this off-beaten track. Am I crazy? Am I being too self-righteous? Did I make the wrong decision? I think that’s what gave me this feeling. This how-should-I-feel-about-this feeling. 

12:23 PM. Kids too crazy... we need to leave. 

12:57 PM. Get home.

Ken: Kids what do you want for lunch?

Kids: *opens fridge* Dad why is there so much beer?

1:03 PM. Looking up South Dakota-themed food. I remember when I went to interview there I asked them what the most South Dakota food was, and they told me it was Chislic. I don’t know if I’m spelling that right, but basically it’s fried chunks of meat. Sounds pretty legit: 

1:15 PM. Daughter makes a sign. You may not be able to understand this sign so let me do a little interpreting. At the top it says South Dakota Bound, except the BOUND is backwards. Then the square-looking thing is the shape of South Dakota. Sidenote - The little divot at the bottom right corner kind of looks like Florida, which kind of makes the state of South Dakota look like a mini-version of America. The thick blue lines are water falls, which we drew because Daughter really wanted to draw something in Sioux Falls, so I said water falls! The four faces below that were commonly misinterpreted as Ken, Wife, Daughter, and Son but actually it’s Mount Rushmore. 

1:57 PM. Son goes to rest time. Daughter cleaning up blankets from floor. Asking me, “Why do I have to be cinderella? Why do I have to clean the bathroom and the living room and the kitchen??” So basically we are raising a little martyr. 

2:30 PM. Wife is already looking at real estate. I think she knows the stats for every single rental property in Sioux Falls. 🤣

4:13 PM. Recruit kids to help. Before this they were carrying cans of beer which was even funnier. 👶👧🍻

5:13 PM. Commence low country boil. I’ve always loved the idea of the low country boil and I’ve always wanted to do one but for one it’s real expensive to buy all the supplies, and for two I didn’t have the proper equipment for it. Fortunately my friend lent me his turkey frier and burner which made for the perfect low country boil setup. In retrospect, the low country boil was one of the funnest party meals I’ve ever made and I would recommend it 10 out of 10 times. At the same time, shrimp is one of my least favorite seafoods and I don’t love to eat low country boil. I feel like this makes sense. 

Ok, those are the last pics I have so I’ll wrap up this post. Shoutout to everyone who was feeling how-should-I-feel-about-this. 

See you on the other side,

From ken

[lambmotifz]

i think the people who like bottom dean are the ones who just see them as a gay ship and nothing more lol because if you actually watched the show and took a look at dean even if it was superficially you should know that there is no reason to think that dean would bottom and it doesn’t matter if it’s his little brother’s dick or not

this is pretty much the main reason why i don’t vibe with the majority of the wincest fandom. sam and dean have a layered and complex, power imbalanced incestuous dynamic and it’s kind of impossible for me to ever view them as a typical gay ship and nothing more. ngl doesn’t work for me

that’s part of why i don’t vibe with the way people reduce sam and dean to “this guy is shorter and took care of the younger one which means he’s a passive omega bottom, and this guy is the taller one and is dominant with women in bed which means he’s a selfish angry domtopalpha” this is just my personal opinion but i think this is a really lame way to engage with a dynamic like wincest. and i already talked about it, but i don’t buy into the idea that their sexual preferences with women would reflect their sexual dynamic with each other. i also don’t think they’d switch (mostly because i don’t believe they’d have sex with each other that often), and i do find it a bit annoying that so many wincesties force this interpretation down everyone’s throat and mock those who don’t agree with it

of course people can enjoy what they want and fetishize their little abused bottom gay omega mommy dean all they want, but personally i find bottom!dean very unrealistic for many reasons and ngl i’m bored out of my skull seeing this extremely overrated dynamic literally everywhere. at this point the wincest fandom isn’t much different from the d*stiel fandom, because all of the talk/content is mostly reduced to fetishizing bottom!dean, villanizing sam and switching their canonical traits/roles when it comes to their relationship. so as a result you get fanon!sam who’s basically canon!dean if he was evil, and fanon!dean who’s given all of the canon!sam’s “good” traits. but like, what’s the point if you’re basically making ocs that don’t resemble the characters at all? i don’t want to sound mean, but it seems like most people aren’t interested in engaging with the canon material and loving the samdean relationship for what it is at all (which includes acknowledging that their relationship is abusive at its core), they just want to put sam and dean in certain roles, depending on what one’s preferences/interests are when it comes to fanfiction, and usually it comes to turning sam and dean into some kind of ocs. making dean this uwu softie mommy and turning him into the ultimate omega victim, and turning sam into this “feral evil freak domtopalpha” who’s only desire is to control and possess dean. and then acting like this dynamic is actual canon and should be acknowledged by everyone. but god forbid someone dare disagree with these fanon interpretations/popular headcanons

[hpconsentfest]

Weekly Roundup 2

We can’t believe we’ve been posting for a fortnight! We’re so pleased to be sharing these wonderful creations everyday and equally delighted to see the love everyone lavishing on the MAs in the form of Kudos, comments, likes, reblogs, and recs.

Thank you to everyone participating!

ART:

Title: Can I Kiss You? Artist: Anonymous Prompt: # 42 Rating: R Warnings/Content Notes: kitchen kiss, resolved pining, nonverbal consent Summary: can I kiss you?

Harry: *staring longingly at Draco’s thigh* Draco: *raises eyebrow, reaches for Harry’s glasses* Harry: *finally drags eyes up* Draco: *pulls towards and wraps legs around* Harry: *grabs bum*

Medium: Digital Artist’s Notes: I chose this prompt because it seemed like the simplest way to show consent - a question and an answer.

Can I Kiss You?

FIC & ART:

Title: It’s a Plan Author/Artist: Anonymous Prompt: #67 Rating: T Warnings/Content Notes: mention of past rape/noncon Summary: Harry and Draco are in a relationship, but Draco was raped in the past, and cannot kiss Harry on the lips or have sex. He does enjoy forehead kisses, cuddles, and showing affection. Harry understands, and gives Draco the kind of love and support Draco needs. Word Count: 2,546 Author’s Notes: This is my first time participating in a fest. When I read the prompts, I got an immediate image in my head that I wanted to draw. I wasn’t planning on writing the story, too, but before I set pencil to paper, the words just fell out and insisted on being written down. Many thanks to the incomparable A for the above-and-beyond beta. Your input vastly improved the story. I couldn’t resist messing with it further, so any remaining mistakes are all mine.

It’s a Plan

FIC:

Title: the strength in letting go Author: Anonymous Prompt: #4 Rating: Teen Warnings/Content Notes: no content warnings apply Summary: Some relationships will end. This is something that everyone should be aware of, and there is no shame in ending a relationship. These things happen, and certainly, no one should stay in an unhappy relationship. We don’t want to have people learning to maintain their suffering here—only fix what can be fixed.

In which Harry and Ginny seek counselling when their marriage is on the rocks—it just doesn’t work out quite like Harry’s wanted it to.

Word Count: 6,149 Author’s Notes: Many thanks to S for beta'ing for me and turning my jumble of words into a story

the strength in letting go

Title: Silenced by the Night Author: Anonymous Prompt: 21 Rating: Mature Warnings/Content Notes: None Summary: After a spell goes horribly wrong, Harry has to deal with the loss of his eyesight. It’s such terrible timing, too, because how is he supposed to find out what Malfoy has been up to in the Room of Requirement? It’s not like he can ask the git, not only because it’s Malfoy, but also because the Slytherin has suddenly lost his voice. While they’re both trapped in the hospital wing, however, Harry discovers there’s so much he didn’t know about Malfoy, and it’s highly intriguing, but also a bit alarming. Where did all these confusing feelings come from all of a sudden? And what is Harry going to do about them? Word Count: 55537 Author’s Notes: I never thought this day would come. I can’t believe this thing is finally finished. There are no words to describe how much I love my friend, who let me rant and freak out for hours, who helped me through this without complaining once. I love you so much! Thank you to my beta for your dedication, the time and effort you put into helping me with this disaster of a fic. I don’t know how to thank you! You’re not only the best beta I could have wished for, you’re an incredible friend and I love you so much! I feel so lucky to have you guys in my life! Lastly, I wouldn’t have written this fic, if it weren’t for this great fest. A big thank you to the mods for organizing it! This was an amazing idea!

Silenced by the Night

Title: Team Slytherdor Author: Anonymous Prompt: 53 Rating: Teen Warnings/Content Notes: Underage, Harry and Draco are both 14. Summary: Rolanda Hooch takes the Slytherdor Quidditch team to the Sheffield Central Travelodge for some team bonding. Word Count: 8844 Author’s Notes: This is my attempt to give Harry James Potter some of the fun, awkward teenage experiences that he missed out on in canon. It’s set during Harry and Draco’s Fourth Year when for Authorly Reasons there are no Death Eaters and Voldemort has not been resurrected.

Thank you to the mods for organising such a fantastic fest! Thank you to everyone on the Drarry Discord for talking through ideas with me, especially F, G, G, G, S, C and A.

And thank you to NH, a beta with the enthusiasm of a Gryffindor, the work ethic of a Hufflepuff, the sly humour of a Slytherin, and the comma herding abilities of a Ravenclaw.

Check the end notes for a glossary of all the Muggle snacks mentioned.

Team Slytherdor

Title: Teach Me Author: Anonymous Prompt: Prompt 35 Rating: M Warnings/Content Notes: No warnings apply. Summary: “If you can’t learn Occlumency, then you can’t become an Auror.”

No. All of this couldn’t be for nothing. Harry hadn’t spent so much time proving himself, proving that he was more than just a famous name for all of this to go to shite. “This can’t be the end.”

"I have someone in mind that could teach you if you are willing, but I can’t guarantee he will teach you, especially considering your… past.”

“You don’t mean Malfoy, do you?”

Word Count: 34,490 Author’s Notes: I would like to thank my beta Dean and Cas for helping me look this over after editing. I appreciate you both so much. And also J and R for listening to me and helping me mentally. I needed all the support you both gave me.

Teach Me

Title: A Day in the Life Author: Anonymous Prompt: # 51 Rating: Explicit Warnings/Content Notes: Established relationship, switching, Anal sex Summary: Harry and Draco have been together for years. They have a great sex life. Great and perfectly normal. Sometimes they have sex, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes it takes a little persuasion… but not really that much. Ok, barely any. Word Count: 5,597 Author’s Notes: For prompt 51: Established relationship: Harry and Draco have been together for years and it’s series of vignettes of regular days. One of them really wants to have sex and the other one is busy working or something. Where is the line between acceptable and unacceptable persuasion? In some cases they end up having sex, in some they don’t; in some Draco’s the one who wants to have sex, in some Harry is.

Thank you to my wonderful friends, F, K and J for letting me bounce ideas off you, for looking over things, for being amazing. I love you all.

Thank you to the brilliant mods… I can’t tell you how awesome I think you are. Thank you to everyone reading.

A Day in the Life

Title: Cherished Author: Anonymous Prompt: Own Prompt Rating: NC-17/Explicit Warnings/Content Notes: Vampire Draco, established relationship, light bondage, rough sex, biting, bottoming from the top, background Ginny/Luna Summary: Ever since Draco was turned into a vampire he hasn’t touched Harry, and Harry desperately wants to know why. When they finally turn, surprising revelations are made. Word Count: 2700 Author’s Notes: For my take on the theme of consent, I wanted to look at an established relationship where the needs of one of the partners had changed, and how a couple would communicate that. I thought turning into a magical creature was a good option for a couple of wizards together, plus I can never get enough of vampire Draco :)

Cherished

Title: Beautiful Eyes and Dark Blue Skies Author: First-time Fest Participant ⚡⚡⚡ Prompt: # 95 Rating: T Warnings/Content Notes: None applicable. Summary: Everybody knew about the rivalry that brewed between the two kings living in neighbouring kingdoms and not much changed after one of them died. This surely meant that when their children met at the age of sixteen, both princes and heirs to their respective thrones, they would develop a deep all-consuming hatred for each other as well. Surely they would not happen to like one another. Surely not. Word Count: 5,720 Author’s Notes: This is my very first time participating in such a huge fest, a Drarry one at that, and I truly hope that everyone who reads this story really enjoys it.

Beautiful Eyes and Dark Blue Skies

Title: Proper Author: First-time Fest Participant ⚡️⚡️⚡️ Prompt: # 48 Rating: E Warnings/Content Notes: There is a very short part of this fic that could be interpreted as dub con - please see fic endnotes for more details if you are concerned. Summary: Draco sighs. “What kind of absolute twit has the chance to have sex with the Chosen One and can’t go through with it?” // In which Draco studies with Gryffindors, learns a new spell, and navigates the difficulty of being in a not-so-casual secret relationship with his childhood nemesis. Word Count: 8721 Author’s Notes: Thank you so much to the mods for running this fest - I’m so excited to participate and to see all the other entries :D Huge thank-yous to S and J for beta reading - you guys rock! I loved my prompt, so I hope you enjoy what I’ve done with it.

Proper

[canonicallysoulmates]

TVLine, Entertainment Weekly, and Variety all had interviews with Danneel about her (upcoming) role in SPN. 

This post contains my opinions and interpretations of the answers this individual gave on these interviews; every interview is linked at the bottom of this post under the read more as well as answers that stood out to me or I mentioned with parts bolded, and divided by which interview they appeared in so you guys can check them out for yourselves. 

This post was written prior to the airing and watching of 13.13

The problem with Badass & Powerful

I’m not a big fan of actresses, actors, writers, producers, etc. calling new characters badasses before they’re introduced. Usually when this happens the character is the opposite of badass or is fake badass in the sense of they have to downgrade another character in a way to prop this one up, or in the case of female characters they write them in a way that if they were male they’d be considered horrible but because they’re a woman, fandom gives them a pass.

Show don’t tell, I feel like if a character is actually badass then you don’t need to tell me before I meet them; if you know what my opinions are on Wayward Sisters then you might find it a little bit funny that I’m saying this because in the Variety interview Danneel said:

“She’s definitely in line with all of the [women] in the “Wayward Sisters” spinoff. All of those female characters are so strong, and “Supernatural” is great about writing strong, female characters, and I feel like the majority of them hold their own. So I feel like in that she fits in with how “Supernatural” writes women.”

I’m not gonna bring my opinions of the spinoff or its characters here, you can find those on my blog if you wish to know them but those that do know what I think know that she has told me a lot about her character in that answer. I will say I find it funny that she calls her character badass and powerful and then says that Sister Jo fits in with how Supernatural writes women considering that I think one of the things most criticized about Supernatural by the "media” (and on twitter 🙄) is how Supernatural writes its female characters. Personally I’ve never had a problem with it, I wouldn’t say they’re great at writing female characters but it’s never bothered me, to be honest I don’t really care, but I do find it a little bit funny that she’d say that.

“She’s basically you so have fun with it.” (Life imitates art)

Something I wasn’t aware of until these interviews is that Sister Jo is based off Danneel. To be quite honest, I can see the similarities and it doesn’t paint the most flattering picture. 

Danneel describes her character as a badass, powerful, businesswoman who is not particularly loyal to anyone but herself, puts herself first, will do whatever it takes to climb up the ladder, is always looking for how much money she can charge someone, is all about business, and is attracted to powerful people and people who can help her move up in life. 

Look there’s nothing wrong with being business oriented and wanting to climb up the ladder, but the way she expresses herself, the way she describes her character who is based off of her, to me comes across as someone who’s cold, doesn’t know the meaning of loyalty, and values people based on what they can do for them; I said I can see the similarities between her and her character because I read her descriptions of her character, badass and powerful aside, and I think about what I have seen of her, mainly her and Jensen, and I do see a woman who’s only doing things for business. 

And there’s actually this answer in the TVLine interview about what her character thinks of Sam and Dean:

“I don’t think she really cares too much about them. They ask for assistance, she works a deal with them because she’s this deal-making business woman, and that’s that.”

This could be about her and her relationship with Jared and Jensen. She doesn’t really care too much about them but Jensen needed a beard so she made a deal with them and that’s that. 

...Mom of the year award?

This girl needs to learn how to express herself, I’m starting to notice that she is very bad at interviews. 

In her interview with E!Weekly she says:

“And where else can you go and bring your kids to work and hand them off to A camera while you’re shooting?”

I think I get what she’s trying to say but it sounds wrong. That comment was both unnecessary and could have been worded much, much better. For example if she had said something like,

And here I have the benefit that I could bring my kids, and the crew helped keep an eye on them while I was shooting. That isn’t a benefit I would really have in other projects.

 A clearer, less ‘I enjoy giving my kids away(?)’ [what was she trying to say?], message; it just sounds much nicer. 

She did say something about the kids in another interview, the Variety one, which I liked which is that all the kids where in the trailer and Jensen was with them but I didn’t like that she said Jensen was the babysitter. No, Jensen is their father. He was taking care of them and spending time with them as he should because he is their father. 

You can’t babysit your own kids. When you do that it’s called being a parent.   

Audition? One ep? No romance or winking pls! (Closing Comments)

Something that was suspected when the news first broke about Danneel being cast in the show was that she didn’t audition for the role, and it was confirmed in the TVLine interview and the E!Weekly interview that she got contacted directly by Buckner & Leming who are producers in the show, they’re the ones who came up with the character of Sister Jo and they pitched the idea directly to her [Danneel], so there was, by my understanding, no auditions at all. Also from my understanding she’s only filmed one episode (13.13) so maybe it won’t be the recurring we nightmared. 

Sidenote: I find it interesting that she doesn’t want her character to be Dean’s love interest or for the show to include winks or references to her and Jensen’s RL relationship, but I’m so freaking thankful for that because I don’t want that either. I don’t think even people who are excited to see her on the show want that

Three interviews and I feel like I’ve learned more about Danneel than the character she’s playing. 

TVLine |  Supernatural: Danneel Ackles Talks ‘Badass’ Sister Jo, Using Dean and Sam

“She’s not really, ‘I’m an evil person’ or ‘I’m a good person,'” the actress tells TVLine. Instead, Sister Jo’s line of thinking is more along the lines of, “‘I’m just going to do whatever gets me a little bit higher up the ladder.’ So if she can make a deal with Lucifer that day, that’s great for her, [and] she’s going to do that. If she needs to help the Winchesters another day, then that works.”

“Not really. Back when the show first started two million years ago, I was out on One Tree Hill, and [Jensen] was up in Canada. So we were both very busy. Then when we started having kids and things slowed down, Supernatural was already on its way, and I thought, “That’s his thing.” But now, Eugenie [Ross-Leming] and Brad [Buckner], who are executive producers of the show, came up with this character and pitched it to me, and I thought, “Yeah! This is it. This is the reason to do it.” She’s a badass female character who just knows what she wants, and they kind of wrote it with me in mind, they say. So I was just really attracted to it, and wanted to give it a shot.”

“I don’t know at first if she is. She’s just very aware of how powerful he is. And like I said earlier, she is really drawn to powerful people, and people that can help her move forward in her life. So that attracts her to him. She’s like, “He can help me.” And he’s very charming.”

“I don’t think she really cares too much about them. They ask for assistance, she works a deal with them because she’s this deal-making business woman, and that’s that.”

Entertainment Weekly | Supernatural: Danneel Ackles on filming her first scene with Dean, Sam, and Castiel

“Mostly the character. I haven’t acted in a couple years and Eugenie [Ross-Leming], who is Bob Singer’s wife and one of the executive producers and writers on the show, wrote this character with her partner, Brad [Buckner], and she called me and she pitched it. [Sister Jo] is such a badass. I was like, “Yeah, this is what I want to do.” I didn’t want to go on Supernatural and be a love interest of the week or have the guys kill me in some horrific way. But this character, she’s just a badass. And where else can you go and bring your kids to work and hand them off to A camera while you’re shooting? So it was a no-brainer for me.”

“That’s what I’ve been told. They were like, “She’s basically you so have fun with it.””

“She is a businesswoman. She is a legitimate faith healer and a very powerful faith healer, and she loves doing it, but she is a businesswoman first. So she is always looking for: “How much money can I charge this person in this town?” It’s all about business for her.”

“It goes back to her not really being good or bad. She’s just going to do whatever works for her. She’s approached by Lucifer and then the Winchesters are attracted to Lucifer — obviously they’re looking for him — so they come across Sister Jo, and she is the type of person that could have a lot of deals going at once. They’re looking for Lucifer and she’s like, “Well, I can help with that.” So she’s not really loyal to anyone in particular but herself. She is numero uno.”

VARIETY | Danneel Ackles on Why ‘Supernatural’ Season 13 Was the Right Time to Guest Star

“The show has a huge fan based and they’re all on social media, and somebody pointed out to me that in 2006, on Twitter, I said that if “Supernatural” goes to Season 13, that’s when I’m going to guest star. And they screenshotted it and sent it back to me, so I guess the universe was like, “Yep, it’s time.” But I think it was just more the offer because before there had been some talk of going on and doing something like a demon or a sexy-something, and this particular role really interested me, and I thought it was good, and I don’t have to play a love interest of Jensen’s, so it works.”

“You know, I would love to, but we have twin one-year-olds and a four-year-old and we just had another baby, which is our brewery we just opened about 30 days ago. So I would love to [and] if the opportunity came up, and it worked like this, great. This is fun, and literally we had all our kids in the trailer, and I was just running back and forth, and [Jensen] was the babysitter. It just worked.”

“She’s definitely in line with all of the [women] in the “Wayward Sisters” spinoff. All of those female characters are so strong, and “Supernatural” is great about writing strong, female characters, and I feel like the majority of them hold their own. So I feel like in that she fits in with how “Supernatural” writes women.”

“I don’t know that yet. We have talked about doing another episode sometime before the end of the year, so we might find out then how it all ends up, but as of right now, I don’t know.”

“I think we can think about her as more aligned with herself. She’s a faith healer, but also a businesswoman. She thinks about herself first, and if she can help out somebody along the way, great, but she is No.1.”

“Good God, no! At least not “Ten Inch Hero.” But no, I think they kept it pretty clean.”

Links to the interviews: (x)(x)(x)

[pookha]

Symphony of the Heart by pookha

A Harmony fanfic. The last 10 years after the Battle of Hogwarts have been tough for Harry and Hermione, but this past year was especially shit. Friends seek comfort in each other's arms. A vow is made that if they aren't married by the time they're thirty-five that they will marry each other.

Chapter 2 of this story was written for MalfoysAngel's "The Dirty Thirty" challenge on FFT.

Mature/Explicit rating. Major character death: Ronald Weasley. Smut.

Chapter 1-Cacophony

The bell chimed; Hermione gripped Harry's hand tighter and on his other side, Ginny held his other hand and Luna held Ginny's.

"Fred Weasley," the officiant intoned and struck the bell again. Tears streamed silently down Ginny's face and she squeezed Harry's hand painfully. Hermione began sobbing and Harry pulled his hand away, put it around her and pulled her in until her head rested on his shoulder; she knew whose name was next.

"Ronald Weasley."

The bell chimed.

Now Luna was holding Ginny in a mirror of Harry and Hermione. Harry's tears fell into Hermione's hair.

A few more names and the ceremony was done. It had been ten years, but Harry could still feel each death like it was yesterday. Ron hadn't died at the actual Battle of Hogwarts, but Harry had insisted that he'd be added to this list and no one was going to tell him no. He could still feel his own death like it was yesterday. When he'd spoken to Professor Dumbledore at Kings Cross, or whoever or wherever it was in his head; he hadn't wanted to come back; he'd wanted to join Ron, but he felt like he still had a duty; Voldemort wasn't defeated yet and wouldn't be without him.

He made the rounds and shook all the hands, but was really just counting the minutes until he could leave. He was the big attraction here; Vanquisher of Voldemort, The Chosen One, all that crap that he'd heard over the years. He was tired of it and just wanted to lose himself in his work again. He saw Hermione across the Great Hall and met her eye. She was talking to Kingsley, but gave Harry a brief nod. He interpreted it as ‘rescue me,' so he went over. Kingsley shook his hand, but he caught the tension and left Harry with Hermione.

"How soon can we leave?" she whispered in his ear.

"I think I have to stay at least a half-hour more, but you can go if you want," he whispered back.

"If you're staying then I'll stay with you, but please let's stick together."

Ginny and Luna came up a few minutes later and said their goodbyes. Harry tried to steer Hermione and himself to old friends rather than new well-wishers and arse-kissers. Dean and Seamus hung with them the longest, seeming to catch that they wanted to be with friends and were tired of talking with others. Neville only stayed long enough to give Hermione a kiss on the cheek and Harry a firm handshake.

"Hannah's getting pretty big, so I don't want to be away too long."

Harry clapped him on the back and pulled him in for a hug. A flashbulb popped and he knew that picture would be in the Prophet tomorrow.

He surreptitiously looked at his watch.

"We can go anytime now," he whispered to Hermione.

She nodded and they made their way to Professor McGonagall, still serving as Headmistress, even though she said every year that she was going to retire.

"We're leaving soon, Minerva, and wanted to say goodbye." Harry shook her hand. Minerva held her hand out for Hermione, but Hermione hugged her and Minerva patted her back stiffly.

"Take care of yourself, Professor," Hermione said, pulling back.

"You may also call me Minerva, as I've said many times." Minerva laughed.

"It still feels disrespectful, really, but I'll try." Hermione also laughed wanly.

They said goodbye to Hagrid and a couple of the other professors and then Disapparated back to Hermione's flat.

It was spotless, as always and Harry wondered how she managed without a House-elf; she worked just as many hours as he did and if Dobby didn't take care of his house, he knew it wouldn't look like this.

She walked into the tiny living room, kicked off her shoes, peeled off her socks, shucked off her robes and threw them on the couch. She walked to her bedroom in just knickers and bra, unselfconscious around Harry. They'd seen each other naked or nearly naked many times before.

Harry yanked off his robes, too, but he was wearing shorts and a plain white tee-shirt. He got ice water for each of them while Hermione changed.

She came out only a few minutes later. She had put on  pyjamas with a cartoon cat holding a knife, and Harry knew it meant she was done for the day.

She saw the water he'd poured and shook her head.

"Rocks glasses are in the second cabinet to the left and the whiskey is right next to it. Two fingers on the rocks for me, please."

She flopped on the couch.

He drank half his glass of water, then got the whiskey and made them both drinks.

He'd just started to put them on the tray with Hermione's glass of water when she called from the living room.

"Bring the bottle, too."

Harry raised his eyebrows, but put it all on a tray and brought it in.

"Muggle whiskey?" he asked.

"I like it better than Firewhiskey; it's not as harsh."

She took her glass when he offered it to her, then he sat the tray on the table in front of the sofa and sat down. He took his glass and held it out.

She clinked hers against his.

"To absent friends," he said.

"To absent friends," she whispered back, then gulped it down with a slight gasp.

"Pour me another, please." She held the glass out to him.

"Not planning on getting drunk, are you?"

"Yes, yes I am. I want to get drunk and forget all the shit from this year. Will you stay with me and make sure I don't go too far?" She put her hand on his arm. He put his hand over hers and squeezed.

"Of course."

He poured her another and she drained it just as fast. When she asked for more, he told her she had to drink her water first and she could have more whiskey later.

"Bastard," she said jokingly and put her head on his shoulder.

"I understand just how shit this year was, and I'm sorry you had such a tough time." He put his arm around her.

She snuggled up closer and put her head down more.

"I could take any one of the things that happened, but all of them are just too much. Fucking Viktor, fucking Crookshanks, fucking parents. Fuck them all." Her voice was quiet, but Harry could hear the hurt in it.

"Now, you know you love them all. It was just Crookshanks's time and he was old. He wasn't a kitten when you adopted him."

"I fucking know that, Harry," she said trying to pull away. He held her tightly though, and she just put her head back down.

"He had a good life and you loved him when no one else would. I've never met a more spoiled, happy cat."

"Don't try to solve me, Harry Potter, I'm not a problem to be fixed." Her tears started to soak into his armpit.

"I know you're not. I'm not trying to solve your problems or fix you; I just want to be here for you, okay?" He lifted her head, met her eyes and kissed her on the forehead. She lifted her head more and kissed him chastely on the lips, then put her head back on his chest.

He let her sob into him and just held her.

"He was such a good kitty. Remember when Ron thought he was trying to eat Scabbers?" she gulped.

"Well, he was trying to eat Scabbers."

"Yeah, he was a good judge of character."

"That must be why he always liked me." Harry laughed.

"Viktor likes you, too. When he left, he told me we should get together." She raised her head and looked into Harry's eyes again.

"Well, he left you, so what does he know?" Harry laughed again, but grimly this time.

"I don't know. Why didn't we ever give it a go?"

Harry tried to look away, but she grabbed his chin and kept his gaze on her.

"I--I always thought of you more as a sister or friend..."

"You never thought about shagging me? Ever?" she asked.

His eyes crinkled.

"Of course I did; I was a teenager once and I thought about shagging most everyone back then."

She punched him lightly on the shoulder.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. Do you think we ever could have gotten together?"

Harry thought carefully before answering.

"Right after school, we were both so busy, and all the death was too raw then, yeah?"

She nodded.

"And then when we went to Australia to get your parents, that all went pear-shaped and you weren't in any state for a relationship then, right?" This time she tried to turn away, but Harry stopped her.

"No," she said in a soft voice and the tears ran again, but Harry knew she'd cried those tears for her parents long ago. The ones from this year were new ones. She'd reached out to them again and they had refused again to have anything to do with her.

"And then you were with Viktor and I was with Ginny."

"Until she left for Luna." Hermione shook her head. "I still can't believe Luna did that."

"Luna didn't do anything wrong; neither did Ginny." Harry's voice was harsher than before.

"You weren't upset with them?"

"Of course I was upset, but Ginny didn't cheat on me, and they didn't set out to fall in love. Ginny and I weren't doing well then either, and it wasn't Luna's fault or my fault or Ginny's; it...it just was. I couldn't be there emotionally for Ginny then and Luna could."

He paused, considering.

"I've never told anyone this, and you have to promise to not tell Ginny and Luna I told you, okay?"

She nodded and sat up, sitting back from him again.

She reached down, grabbed her whiskey glass, drank off the melted water at the bottom and poured another shot over the depleted ice. He waited while she slugged it down.

"They asked me if I wanted to be polyamorous with them."

"Why didn't you?"

"Fuck, I kind of did want to, but it just didn't feel right to me. I dunno, I might just be old-fashioned or maybe just not built that way; but I wanted to be exclusive."

He hesitated again.

"Also, I think I had fallen out of love with Ginny and maybe she with me. I was pouring myself more into my work, and she was away more with the Harpies. I knew I couldn't be there for her, but Luna could and it was just time to let her go. And Luna's a friend, but I've never had those feelings for her, and I just don't think it would have worked."

Hermione looked down at her glass and swirled the now tiny sliver of ice.

"That's pretty much how it went for Viktor and me. I think we just ran our course, and when he wanted to go back to Bulgaria, we both knew I wasn't going to go with him; there's too much to do here."

Harry poured himself another drink, held up the bottle to Hermione, but she shook her head.

"Better not, or I'll be sick."

He sipped his whiskey.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out; he was really a nice guy."

She nodded.

"Also, it didn't hurt that he was super buff either, did it?"

Hermione smiled and her eyes went distant.

"No, it didn't hurt at all."

Her smile went sly.

"Unless we wanted it to hurt, then it hurt good." She giggled.

"Sorry, I'm a bit drunk."

Harry smiled.

"Yeah, you are, but I'm here for you and I won't let you choke to death on your own vomit."

She laughed again, a genuine one this time.

"Harry Potter, the great chivalric hero, saviour of maidens everywhere, or I guess women, since I'm no longer a maiden."

"That's not my fault," he said in mock hurt.

"Well, it could have been, if you'd wanted to have been."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Even if I had back then, what do you think would have happened with Ron?"

"I think he'd still be dead, so there's no reason to talk about it."

She stood and swayed.

"I've gotta pee."

She turned to go and he stood and grabbed her arm and spun her around gently.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make it sound like he owned you, or it wasn't your decision."

She sighed.

"I know you didn't; I understood what you meant. I just don't want to think about Ron anymore tonight, okay?"

He nodded and let her go.

When she came back from the bathroom, she flopped on the couch and laid down with her head in his lap. He twined his fingers in her hair and twisted it gently between them.

"Would you think about it though?" she asked suddenly.

"Hmm, think about what?"

She sat up slightly, reached up a hand to his chin and rubbed a finger down his jawline.

"Us. Would you think about us? Maybe we should be together."

She scooted up and leaned more into his chest.

"I love you, and I know you love me."

He started to interrupt her, but she kept speaking.

"Yes, I know you don't love me that way, or at least you say you don't, but don't we owe it to ourselves to at least try?"

She lifted her face to his, twisted a bit toward him, and kissed him, this time gripping him behind the neck and pulling him in. He only kept his lips closed for a second before opening them and deepening the kiss. She pulled back first.

"That wasn't bad, right?"

He responded by pulling her in for another kiss. Her hand slid over his chest through his shirt and he grabbed her around the hips and pulled her into his lap. They kissed for a few minutes more while their hands roamed over each other's backs.

He pulled back, pushed her off and stood.

"What?" She sounded hurt.

"Sorry, this isn't right."

"Why?"

"You're drunk and I'm not and I don't want to do something both of us might regret. If I don't stop now, I'm going to take you to your bed, rip off your pyjamas and then we'd fuck and who knows what that would do to us."

"Don't you want to find out?"

He sighed, and ran his hand through his hair.

"I--I think I would, but not when you're drunk."

He sat down heavily on the couch.

"I think we could make a go of it, but I don't want ‘friends with benefits,' I don't want casual shagging."

She put a hand on his cheek.

"Neither do I." She laughed bitterly.

"Actually, that's a lie. I want you to take me to the bedroom and fuck me, but I also don't want to just be casual either, so I understand."

"Maybe we should just talk about it in the morning?" he asked, running a hand down her side.

"Yeah, that would be good."

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm going to go take a cold shower then go to bed. Will you stay with me?"

He nodded.

"Viktor left some pyjamas in the third drawer; if you want them, you could resize them."

Harry shook his head.

"I'll just sleep in my pants if that's okay with you."

"Whatever you're comfortable with."

She left and showered while thoughts ran around in his head. He poured another shot of whiskey while emotions played out of him.

His erection said he was a fool to pass up sex, his hands longed to unutton her top and run over her breasts and nipples; but then he saw them both in the morning, sticky with sex, but huddled on opposite sides of the bed, not quite believing what they had done.

He sighed. The water stopped and she came out a moment later, dressed in her pyjamas again. Her hair was dripping wet.

"Dry my hair for me, please? I don't trust myself with my wand right now."

She sat on the couch next to him.

He grabbed his wand, summoned a brush from her bathroom and used drying charms on her hair while brushing it.

He could see the tension going out of her shoulders while he brushed. He took care to not pull the kinks too tightly when he ran the brush through and didn't dry it too fast so it frizzed out too much.

When he was done, she sighed, leaned back into him and rested there for just a few seconds.

"Thank you," she said, and he knew she meant not just for the hair.

"Anything for you," he whispered back and she shuddered at his breath on her ear.

"I'm going to bed, will you join me?"

They stood and went to the bedroom together.

She shoved the blanket aside and crawled in while Harry stripped off his shirt and shorts. She watched him as he got under the blankets with her, then she turned over onto her side. Harry spooned up behind her and stroked her neck and hair until her breathing deepened and she fell asleep. He turned her slightly so she was more on her stomach than back and watched her sleep peacefully for a long time before extinguishing the lamp with his wand, tucking it under his pillow and falling asleep himself.

When he woke up, he was spooning her again, his dick hard against her arse. He tried to move away slowly, so he wouldn't wake her, but she stirred immediately.

"Mmm, good morning." She took one of his hands and slipped it over a breast, then ground her arse against him.

"Morning wood?" she asked. Harry couldn't see it, but he knew from the sound of her voice she was smiling.

"Yeah." He pulled back and turned so he was laying on his back.

"I'm sorry, I should have asked before doing that," she said, turning on her side to face him.

"No, it's all right." He sighed.

"No, it's not," she said as she put a hand on his cheek.

"I was pushy about it. I wasn't as drunk last night as you think and I remember it. I'm sorry for pushing."

He turned on his side facing her and leaned his forehead against hers.

"Look, if I thought we could be casual, I would say we should just shag and be done with it, or if I knew we were going to try to pursue this and make a go of it, but I don't want to fuck once and then just go back to being friends. Does that make sense?"

"No, I understand; yes, it makes sense." She laughed, pecked him on the lips.

"I'm still horny, though."

"Me, too."

"I...have a suggestion," she said, a small quaver in her voice.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to watch me and I want to watch you."

He pulled back a bit.

"You want to watch me wank it?"

She nodded and started unbuttoning her pyjama top.

"Wait. If we're going to do this, we can't be this close."

She nodded, got up and finished taking her pyjama top off, and then slowly slid it to the ground. She hitched fingers in her bottoms and slid them off, then dragged the small chair from the front of her vanity over and sat on it. She crossed her legs demurely.

Harry sat up on the edge of the bed and slid his pants down. His erection bounced up and smacked him in the stomach.

"Mmm, nice." Hermione uncrossed her legs and spread them. She licked a finger and then ran it down her stomach slowly to her pussy. She circled her clit with it lightly.

"You're so wet already," he said, wrapping a hand around his cock.

"Carryover from last night...and the dreams...and this morning."

She slid the finger that had been circling her clit inside and stroked herself slowly. Harry matched her pace while he pumped himself. She leaned back against the wall and brought her other hand to her breasts. She pinched her nipple hard and gasped. Then she pinched the other one even harder and moaned.

"Give me your wand," she said in between short breaths.

He leaned over and took his wand from under the pillow and handed it to her.

She had moved to having two fingers in her pussy now, alternating between circling her clit with them and sliding them inside. Now she started fucking herself quickly with them, her breath coming shallow and fast. She waved his wand and it buzzed. She lowered it to her clit and her back arched.

"Fuck!" she screamed.

Harry had stopped stroking himself and she noticed.

"Keep going!" she ordered as she moaned again.

Harry stroked himself faster, a drop of cum popping up on the end of his dick.

Hermione's finger-fucking got frenzied and her hips lifted off the chair.

"God! Coming!"

Harry watched her drive her fingers deep into her pussy as she came. She kept his wand pressed against her clit the whole time.

She surfaced a few seconds later and opened her eyes. She pulled her dripping fingers out and licked them slowly while Harry rubbed his cock.

"You close?" she asked.

He nodded.

She handed him back his still-buzzing wand and he touched it to his balls. Now it was his turn to arch his back. He moved the wand to the head of his cock and came immediately. He leaned back and shot over his stomach; a few strong spurts reached his nipples and he rubbed the cum into the hair around them.

Hermione leaned over and ran her hand through it, watching his eyes as he watched her. He thought for a brief moment she was going to lick it off, then she smiled, leaned over him and kissed him deeply. Her thigh pressed against his rapidly deflating cock and also got smeared.

When she pulled back from the kiss, she stood up and walked to the bathroom.

When she reached the door, she turned around and said, "thank you."

Harry shook his head. "It was mutual, thank you."

She went in to shower and Harry waited until he heard the water running before getting up and knocking.

"Yes?"

"Okay if I come in and use the toilet?"

"Peeing after sex is good for you, helps prevent UTI's." She laughed.

The mirror was already steamed over when he went in and peed. He finished, shook himself off and almost flushed, but decided not to scald her. When he looked up, she was watching him from around the shower curtain.

"Want to join me?"

Harry paused.

"I promise no hanky-panky." She giggled again in a very un-Hermione-like way.

"If you don't, there might not be enough hot water left when I'm done showering."

Harry nodded, pushed the shower curtain back enough to get in with her and stepped in. The tub was small, and only one of them could be under the water at a time.

"Soap me up?" she asked.

He gulped and took the flannel and soap. He ran it over her back, making sure to get all the way from her neck down to her feet. She lifted her feet so he could soap the bottoms, then she spun around. He worked his way back up her legs and over her stomach and breasts. He paused at her face. She took the flannel and ran it over her face then handed it back to him and pressed his hand in between her legs.

"Just go gentle and only get the outside, okay?"

He gulped and ran the flannel over her crotch.

"Get the backside, too, please?" she asked.

He reached back between her legs and ran the flannel back between her cheeks. When he pulled it back out and stood, she rinsed herself off, making sure to rinse everywhere with the shower's wand.

"Your turn," she said as she hung the wand back up and stepped around him.

She took the used flannel from him and put it on the corner of the tub, then reached out of the shower and grabbed a clean one.

He turned his back to her and she took her time soaping him up. When he turned around so she could get his front, his dick was hard again.

"Oh, I'm sorry I said no hanky-panky."

"Sorry, I couldn't help it."

"It's all right; it's a compliment." She smiled.

"Shower sex isn't all that good anyway," she said.

"Yeah," Harry agreed.

She wrapped her hand around his dick.

"Although, I could just do this." She stroked it slowly up and down once.

His eyes rolled back and his shoulders tightened.

She stroked it again, back and forth slowly, then he reached down and stopped her.

"I--I want to, but we both agreed no casual sex."

She took her hand off.

"My turn to say sorry again." She stood and stepped out of the shower.

"I better get out and remove the temptation."

He nodded and finished his shower as she dried. She had just finished when he stepped out. He grabbed a clean towel from the cabinet and dried himself off. He went to the bedroom and retrieved his clothes and put them on. He could hear Hermione in the kitchen, making something.

When he walked out, she was slicing bagels and setting them on a baking sheet.

"I assumed you would want a bagel, and maybe some coffee or tea?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Coffee sounds good; so does the bagel." He pulled her hair back slightly and kissed her on the side of the neck. She shivered.

"After breakfast, do you want to talk about last night and this morning?" he asked as he hugged her from behind.

She shook her head.

"No," she said in a small voice and then sighed.

"I don't want to, but we will because we can't avoid it." She pulled away and he let go.

"Go have a seat and I'll bring it to you, okay?"

He went into the living room and sat on the sofa. Her shoes and socks still sat on the floor where she had kicked them off the night before and the whiskey bottle and glasses were still out. He poured a shot and drank it down.

"Hair of the dog?" she asked as she came in with a mug of coffee and a bagel on a plate smeared with butter.

"Yeah, seemed like the thing to do." He took the mug and plate and she went back to the kitchen and came in with hers. She sipped off a bit of her coffee, then added a generous slug of the whiskey to it.

They ate in silence, and when they were done, Harry took the plates, mugs and glasses from yesterday and did the washing up. He knew he was avoiding the talk and Hermione must have also known, because she appeared in the doorway a moment later.

"Harry James Potter, don't think you can avoid this by being domestic." Her mouth quirked up a bit.

"I'm not," he lied.

"Harry James Potter," she said in the same tone of voice, "don't lie to me, either."

"Sorry," he said. He finished rinsing the last mug and drained the water.

"You're right; I'm avoiding the talk."

"Do you want to make a go of it?" she asked from the doorway.

He crossed to her and pulled her into a tight hug.

"I'm still not sure; we're both really hurt right now and I don't want either of us to be just a rebound relationship; does that make sense?"

"I promise you, I wouldn't think of you just as a rebound fuck," she whispered to him. He could hear the quaver in her voice and hated himself for it.

"I want to be sure that I'm not doing that to you, also." He pushed her back a bit and met her eyes which were brimming with tears again.

"It's not fair to you if I'm just trying to be with you because I'm still getting over Ginny, yeah?"

"That's not how it seemed last night or this morning." She yanked out of his grasp.

"Last night it sure seemed like you wanted to be there, and I don't just mean the almost-fucking, I mean taking care of me and just being there as a friend." She stalked off the living room and he heard her flop onto the sofa.

He rubbed his hand over his eyes, sighed, counted to five, then followed her.

"That's exactly why I'm afraid," he said, sitting next to her.

"What?" she asked.

"Look, if we get together and then find out it was a mistake, do you think we'd still be friends?"

She cut him off.

"You're still friends with Ginny and Luna, right? You've shown you're a big boy and can control yourself that way."

"Yeah, but it's not the same. Neither of them have been my friend as long as you have, and neither of them was my best friend like you are."

He put his hand on her chin and lifted it so she was looking right at him.

"Our friendship is more important now than ever with how shit this last year has been for us both, but especially your last year."

"I understand, but I hate it at the same time." Her tears dripped again.

"Let's take it slow, still be friends and see where we go, okay?" he asked.

She nodded, then stopped suddenly.

"Let's make a vow."

"What vow?"

She wiped her tears away.

"If  both of us aren't married by the time we're thirty-five, we'll marry each other and make the best of it."

He blinked, surprised.

"Look, I want children, and I think you do, too."

He nodded.

"And I know you don't need to be married to have children, but I want to be; I want that. If I can't have that with my best friend, then who else could I have that with?"

They sat in silence for a moment.

"I'm serious," she said. "I don't want to be alone forever, and I know you don't either. I know we'd fall in love if we weren't already. And I know we have sexual chemistry now."

"Yeah, okay," he said.

"What?"

"I agree to your vow; if both of us aren't married or in a relationship when we're thirty-five, we'll get married to each other."

He leaned in and kissed her gently and she returned it.

[never-shuts-up]

Murder or a Heart Attack

AO3 Link

Summary: After a tag team victory at Summerslam, Dean still isn't sure how he's supposed to feel, or what new disaster he's just left himself open to. Seth still has a knack for making everything more complicated, but the best things don't come easily.

Notes: Set immediately after Summerslam 2017. Apologies to all my anti-Ambrollins friends, I still feel you but I also needed this, really badly. And there’s offscreen Ambreigns, for all the reasons.

Content note: includes an adverse reaction based on past trauma. I hesitate to classify it 100% as PTSD, but could be interpreted that way.

As soon as he stepped through the curtain, everything faded to a blur. Spots from the bright light still stung his eyes as cameras - probably mostly phones, but whatever the hell - began flashing around him to replace them. Immediately they were pushed through to the media area, and the cameras just kept going. Dean kept wanting to pinch himself, and see if he would wake up. The title over his shoulder, and a mere arm’s-length away, with the same title over his, the one man who had caused him no end of hurt for so many years. Seth was smiling, laughing, joking easily with commentators and on-lookers alike, and the expression on his face was one Dean hadn’t seen in - well, he didn’t even know how long anymore.

He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed that smile. Not a plotting-smirk, not a rehearsed camera-grin, but a real, genuine smile, that lit up and transformed Seth’s entire face. It felt like he was looking at somebody else, someone he thought was long gone.

Was this really him? Who, even, was the real Seth Rollins anymore?

As the crowd began to disperse, Dean felt a hand on his shoulder. Seth leaned in, so close that a wet strand of hair brushed against Dean’s cheek. “C’mon, let’s get cleaned up.” Dean nodded a response back, and they turned and headed toward the locker room.

As he fumbled around in his locker, Dean still couldn’t shake the feeling of having wandered into someone else’s dream. They had done it - actually done it - and while he knew they could, believed they could, he hadn’t predicted it would feel like this. So strange, yet familiar; so good, yet uneasy. Memories of the past three years rattled around in his head, and this new experience refused to fit in with them, like a piece had suddenly been tossed in from the wrong puzzle.

Seth emerged from a cloud of steam, smelling like expensive conditioner, shimmied his way into those damn impractical tight jeans, and began rummaging through his own things for a shirt. Dean busied himself with cleaning the protein bar wrappers out of his pockets and the bottom of his bag - with the past week of media and travel, it was long overdue.

Seth was the one to break the relative silence.

“Did you make any plans for tonight?”

“Nah, not really. Was going to just grab something to eat and collapse. You know, the usual.” Dean shoved the rest of his clothes back into the duffel bag and headed to the garbage can with a couple handfuls of various wrappers - including, for some reason, an inordinate amount of straw papers and a very mangled Popeye’s cup. “Why, did you?”

“Not really. But, uh, if you’re just going back to the hotel, maybe I should give you this now.” When Seth turned back around, he had a brown paper bag in his hand. “I had to go up to Greenpoint to get it, but I’ve heard it’s the best in town.”

Dean opened the paper bag, slightly mystified to find a white bakery box, tied artfully with black and white twine. As he raised the lid, the faint aroma of cinnamon and nutmeg greeted him, and he nearly did a double take at what was inside.

It was a perfect apple pie.

If you put a picture next to “apple pie” in a dictionary - no, that wouldn’t be in a dictionary but maybe just a cookbook or a guide to things you could buy that are close enough to buying happiness - this would have been that picture. The crust was an even golden brown, punctuated with decoratively placed slashes that showed a hint of filling flecked with spices.

Dean looked at the pie for a long moment, then back up at Seth, catching him in half a second of fidgeting before he realized his tag partner was watching. An amused half-smile crept onto Dean’s face. “So, you heard that whole thing about the pie, huh?”

Seth grinned, apparently relieved at Dean’s reaction. “Obviously. You really still think Roman ate it?”

“Dunno. It’s been fun giving him hell about it though. Gets a rise out of him, and he keeps saying Ron did it.” The friendly teasing between Roman and Truth amused Dean to no end and was, to be honest, one of the highlights of having him travel with them. Once one of them found something to dig the other about, it would keep them going for days. Dean tried not to think about how, despite treasuring his rare time alone with Roman, everything seemed so much more natural and enjoyable with a third person in the car. “I kinda don’t care anymore, but having something to tease him about kept him from worrying so much about tonight.”

Seth went back to rummaging in his bag. “So you two are still…”

“Yeah.”

“I figured. Wondered if anyone would catch your little slip-up back there.” Dean felt heat rush to his face as Seth gave him an exaggerated wink-nudge, and he fought off the urge to shove the pie directly into Seth’s face. Sometimes even Seth’s friendly teasing skirted awfully close to the line, and Dean wasn’t sure what to expect from him anymore. The weight of the pie in his hands - a visible, tangible, spice-and-sugar-scented sign of what, exactly? - had just made everything more complicated.

Dean set the bag aside, next to his duffel, and shrugged. “Ehh, I’ve got a reputation for sayin’ weird shit to uphold. Wouldn’t want to let the people down.”

“I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that. Or the other thing. After tonight, they’ll have plenty to talk about.” Seth’s cavalier attitude toward the relationship that Dean was so clearly trying to keep secret still annoyed Dean a bit, but he was a little occupied wondering what his tag partner was getting at. “Also, I figured we would either want to toast victory or drown defeat, so I brought this too.” He handed Dean another paper bag, this one smaller and heavier. Dean was pretty sure he could tell what was in it, but was still surprised to open the bag and find a compact, rather expensive-looking bottle of some whiskey he’d never heard of, with a heavy wax seal on top.

“Special occasion, huh? You went all out.” Dean regarded the bottle with approval. The name was unfamiliar - some kind of artisan small batch bullshit, most likely, but knowing Seth, at least it was probably good. “So, should we just open these here, or -”

“Actually, I had an idea about that. I figured you’d want to wait around for Roman, but if you text me when you get back to the hotel, I think I know just the place.”

—–

Dean climbed the last few steps and let the door swing closed behind him. “I thought the roof deck was supposed to be-”

“Closed after ten? Yeah, I know. Pulled a couple strings at the front desk, and they gave me the card to swipe in.”

Clever. Turning on the charm to get what he wanted was just such a typical Seth move, and Dean had to admit the roof deck was pretty impressive. The three-foot wall surrounding the perimeter was made of fake-rustic-looking wood and topped with raised flowerbeds. Motion-sensing lights flickered to life as they stepped out onto the walkway. There were a few tables with umbrellas, now folded up for the night, arranged around the middle, and a bunch of chaises and Adirondack chairs off to one side, mostly stacked up out of the way but with a few pointing to the main attraction: the view. Dean let out a low whistle as he took in the Manhattan skyline rising up right front of them - how had it seemed so far when it was right across a river? - all lit up and glittering like a drag queen’s jewelry box.

“Hot damn. This place really is something else.” Dean could feel Seth’s eyes on him, searching his face for signs of approval. And he had to give him credit - it felt like the right place to go for some quiet in a city full of noise, for some fresh air on a hot summer night.

“Worth all the hype, right?”

“Couldn’t say. Since we don’t get to see any of it or nothing.”

“Everything looks great from here though.” Seth dragged one of the metal chaises to a space with a clear view, sat, and motioned to the middle, where Dean put the box and bottle down. “And I have to hand it to them, Brooklyn knows a thing or two about food. That pie shop had about nine other things that all looked amazing. Different stuff like salted honey, but I didn’t think that would be your thing. Good coffee, too. I should have just brought you there, but I wanted it to be a surprise.” Seth was rambling now, as he rummaged through the bag and pulled out two plastic forks. Dean could tell it was nerves, and even though he wasn’t sure why, it still warmed him someplace inside to hear it. “How’s Roman holding up?”

Dean shrugged, and sat down on the other end of the chaise, taking out and opening the bottle. “Not great. He’s down at the room taking a long shower. You know, the usual.”

“Think he’d want to come up?”

“Don’t know, I didn’t ask. Figured he’d understand me being gone for a few minutes.” This level of interest was uncharacteristic. Seth was still giving Roman a wide berth, rarely asking about him, and usually finding reasons to leave a room whenever he showed up. Skirting the boundary between respectful distance and all-out avoidance, ever since Extreme Rules. Dean couldn’t really put a finger on what had changed, but it seemed they had both just moved on. No longer contending for the same title, they weren’t even in the same orbit anymore. Dean wasn’t sure if that was worse or better - but it was easier. Even if easier didn’t always mean better.

“So it’s not weird for him, you and me doing…what we’re doing?” Seth had seemingly forgotten the two plastic forks in his hand, and was studying Dean’s face intently, with an expression that walked the razor-thin line between apprehension and hope.

“Wasn’t wild about it. He tried to tell me what a bad idea it was, that first time. Made me promise I was gonna take care of myself, not take some stupid risk for you. Dunno what he was thinking, he knows I don’t follow instructions. When you first apologized, he said it was bullshit and I shouldn’t fall for it.”

Watching Seth’s face fall, Dean realized too late that he probably shouldn’t have said that. Except no, he definitely should have said that and more because Seth deserved to know the truth, even if it hurt. Especially if it hurt.

He watched Seth let out a ragged sigh, and take a hand through his hair like he always did to try and compose himself. “Not surprised. He’s looking out for you, and I can’t really blame him for not trusting me.”

Dean nodded. Seth was taking this better than he had expected, but he still looked tense, as if holding onto something much more uncomfortable than a couple of forks. Something about the set of his shoulders and jaw seemed imminent, as if he could jump off the edge of the roof deck. Instead, he turned to face Dean straight-on, gripping the seat of the chaise as if to steady himself, and looked him directly in the eye.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Having the full force of Seth’s gaze directly on him made something in the pit of Dean’s stomach twist. His partner’s face was all intensity, always, but he saw something unfamiliar written in the crease of his forehead and the corners of his mouth. In the half-light of the streetlights and garden lighting, Dean couldn’t quite read what this new something was. Twisting at the lid of the bottle in his hand, he could do nothing but let Seth continue.

“Being here with you over the past week - I realized, I’ve been going about this all wrong. I know I apologized - sort of - but it wasn’t right.” Seth paused long enough to inhale deeply, eyes closed, as if about to dive into unfamiliar waters. ”I’m sorry I pushed you around. It was mean, and shitty, and uncalled for. And you deserve better than that, so I hope I can make it up to you.”

The knot in Dean’s stomach began to unclench, and unravel, but it didn’t exactly feel good. Surprisingly, these soft words, these unfamiliar words coming from Seth just replaced it with a hot wave of resentment. Dean bit back a whole string of words that ran through his mind on a loop - are you fucking kidding me - what new bullshit - what the fuck is this fucking game - and took a deep breath to try and compose himself, but could feel his entire body tense, ready to attack. He clutched at the knees of his jeans so hard that his knuckles must have been nearly white, and tried - unsuccessfully - to keep the edge out of his voice.

“So you’re really sorry, and you really mean it?” Seth nodded. “So, why now? Why do you pick now to apologize and not, I don’t know, a month ago when you were playing your bullshit games?” Once the words started pouring out, Dean realized he couldn’t stop. “Where was this fucking sorry face of yours when you were turning the whole crowd against me? Were you just stringing me along until you had that title? What the fuck took you so long to figure that out?”

Seth flinched at every word, and the deepening look of hurt in his eyes both gave Dean pause, and made him feel strangely satisfied, vindicated. But he stopped to allow Seth to respond.

“I know it hurt. I know it made you angry. But I couldn’t take the risk that you would say ‘no.’ I had something all prepared, but as soon as I got out there, the second I looked at you, it hit me that I didn’t have any idea what I would do if you turned me down. So I pushed it, and I know I pushed too hard. And it wasn’t until I looked back at the video package that I realized just how shitty it was. I sounded like such an asshole, and you looked so hurt. And I can’t say I didn’t mean it, because at the time, I did. I just didn’t mean for it to come out like that, and I’m sorry it hurt you.”

Dean let the tide of words wash over him, and it started to sink in that this was real: Seth would never have put so much of this out in the open if he didn’t really mean it, and looking him directly in the eye, Dean realized he could identify a few of the unknowns that flickered across Seth’s face: guilt, which was no less than he deserved, but also regret and a tinge of fear. That was bullshit - what did someone like Seth have to be afraid of? - but nonetheless, there it was. But Dean’s own reservations refused to slip away so easily - after all, that face had lured him with false promises before. No. My terms. I’m not letting you push me around. Roman was right that you would try. And I’m not gonna let you get away with it that easily.  “You still made me look like the bad guy, and you didn’t exactly make me want to trust you again.”

“You’re right. I did. And I shouldn’t have. You did exactly what you said you were going to do. I should know you better than that - me, of all people. And it’s one of the things I like about you. I mean, I know the way your head works isn’t always straightforward, but the way you put it out there is. Figured you were trying to make a point. And I give you a lot of credit for that, you know? Being honest.”

“That’s pretty new to you, right?” Dean tried to play the compliment off with a joke, but realized it had hit much closer to the mark when the smile Seth cracked looked more embarrassed than amused, and his gaze shifted to somewhere on the ground.

“Yeah. I guess I forgot what that was like. You know? You spend enough time around liars, you just start to assume everyone’s lying. You start to assume everyone’s out to push you around. And you start finding ways to defend yourself before they attack. And I gotta stop doing that now. Especially with you. If there’s one person in the world I can stop doing that with, it’s you. This whole week proved it. What we did tonight proved it. I didn’t realize what I was missing, and I’m going to do whatever I can to keep it.” He turned himself fully to face Dean, folding one leg under him on the chaise, and stuck out a hand. “Can you let me?”

Seth’s open, expectant face turned Dean’s stomach into knots all over again. How was this supposed to feel? Anger and hurt and longing tumbled together until none of them were even recognizable anymore. And before Dean knew what he was doing, he had closed the few feet of distance between them, and taken Seth’s hand.

“I’m gonna try,” he found himself saying. “I want this as much as you do, but you dealt me a whole lot of hurt. And don’t even think I don’t feel it all over again whenever I see your stupid face. But you’re still my brother.” Dean paused and tried to gather himself. Roman had told him, time and time again, that he needed to keep firm boundaries with Seth, and it was Roman’s mix of concern and rage that swam to the front of his mind now. “And I know we’re better together, but if you pull that shit with me again, I can’t make any promises.” The words “and I don’t think Roman can either” sat right on the tip of his tongue, but he held them back. Involving him wasn’t fair, and it probably wouldn’t do any good.

Seth put his other hand over Dean’s and gripped it firmly, for a very long moment. “Okay. That’s fair - it’s no more than I deserve, but yeah, fair. Because I’ll have to do better if this is going to work. And I get that it’s been hard for you. So, thank you. For letting me back in.”

“Back in?” The turn of phrase sent a twinge through Dean’s chest as its meaning sank in. “Little brother, half the reason this is so fucking hard is that - for all these years - you were still there. You got in my head, got in my heart, and even when you fucked around with it, and even when I wanted to break your dumb coward face, I still couldn’t shake that. When you get down to it, you were never really gone.”

Dean’s words were cut off as Seth leaned in and wrapped him in a tight hug. He felt rather than heard the response, murmured half-into his ear, half-into his shoulder, and vibrating through his entire chest: “Neither were you.”

Despite the warmth of Seth’s touch, Dean felt his shoulders tense and shudder, and suddenly it was very hard to breathe. His vision blurred the lights of the skyline together, into a rough haze. Every nerve seemed to be fighting the urge to flinch, to push away, and even his fingertips itched to take control. The places where those maddeningly familiar hands pressed tightly against his back were the same ones that had been black and blue for days, crossed by marks from that steel chair and then by everything from boots to the edge of the apron - does he really think this could ever undo all that hurt, and what the hell have I just left myself open to?

Seth released his grip and pulled away, moving his hands to Dean’s shoulders. Forehead creased and eyes soft in the half-light, he seemed to shrink a little, as he studied his friend’s face and the realization of what he was seeing there hit home. Dean wasn’t sure exactly how he must have looked in that moment, but judging by Seth’s expression, it must have been as messed up as he felt.

“Shit,” Seth muttered, in a tone that was half sharp frustration, half sigh. “I did that, didn’t I?”

Dean nodded.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s going to take a lot for you to believe me, after how much I hurt you. And I’ve gotta let you make your own decisions.” Guilt - real, true, sincere guilt - etched itself across Seth’s face in deep lines, and he seemed to be torn between looking Dean directly in the eye and staring at the ground. “Just… if it’s too much, please tell me, okay?”

Dean nodded again. The city lights shifted out of the haze and back into clarity as he placed his own hand on Seth’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Okay.” And for the time it took for both men to breathe in deeply and let it out, nothing else mattered.

As everything settled slowly back to here, back to now, Dean dimly realized his phone hadn’t buzzed since he’d come up to the roof. A few floors below, Roman was probably asleep, and the space next to him was made up just for Dean, with the pillow exactly where he liked it, and it sure wouldn’t have been there all those years ago. Roman’s arm was probably flung instinctively over that space, protectively, waiting for Dean to come back and crawl under it, waiting to hold him until he fell asleep. It was different, but better, and he never wanted to go back to a world where that space didn’t exist.

This was never going to be the same either. But maybe it could be better too. The kind of better that came from being older, smarter, and knowing what kind of bad could come with the good - knowing all of each other’s ugly parts and scars and sharp edges.

Maybe things didn’t need to be the same to be right. Or at least, start fumbling their way toward right.

Seth shifted his position first, composing himself and slipping an arm around Dean’s shoulders as he took in the lights of the skyline that seemed to rise so close to them. “So - and I’m not trying to change the subject -”  he paused dramatically with a bit of a self-satisfied smile, “that’s a really good whiskey that you haven’t even opened yet.”

Dean smiled back, tentatively, but with warmth spreading back through his chest. “Right. And a pie that I’m gonna need one of those forks for.” Seth looked at him quizzically, apparently having forgotten the forks entirely. “The ones behind you, doofus.”

“Oh. Right.” Seth laughed nervously and fumbled for the two forks and the box.

“Should make sure we save some for Roman.”  Dean watched Seth’s face intently, unsure how he would react. “Since he had a rough night, and all that,” he added, hoping he didn’t sound as tentative as he felt.

That small, slow smile crept back onto Seth’s lips, as he untied the string on the box, and Dean was already thinking that maybe he could get used to seeing it more often. “Deal.”

Notes:

During the lead-up to Summerslam, I had a really hard time watching Seth’s “apologies” and watching him string Dean along - it read as extremely manipulative and hurtful, and set off alarms for a number of abuse survivors I have talked to. When someone tells you a character reminds them of their abusive ex, it’s hard not to listen - much less when THREE do. I went through several weeks of wondering if I could continue to write and identify with someone who could avoid making a real apology and still get applauded and cast as a “good” guy for his manipulative behavior. This was my attempt to make it right, and make the shift in their in-ring relationship more believable. After watching clips from the WWE2k18 event, it was very clear that there was more going on between these two than what we saw in the promos. And the apple pie incident seemed like a perfect opportunity.

The title is from an Old 97s song, which sounds like a love song but is actually about the songwriter’s roommate’s cat who escaped (but came back). I tried to change it, but “Murder (or a Heart Attack)” is a vicious earworm that just would not let go. And it just seemed to fit.

[potentiality-26]

top 5/bottom 5

Rules: tag the person who tagged you, always post the rules, answer the questions, and add the date!

What are your five most popular works? What are your five least popular works? Are you surprised? Why? Optional: If you want to calculate this, what are your works’ average number of notes/kudos/comments? Today’s date, so you can see how your results might change if you do this again in a year.

Tag six people to do this next!

Tagged by @futuredescending.  Tagging: @hisreindeerjumper, @concernedlily, @rouge-winter, @zombiisheep, @demonicsymphony, @elletromil

Sorting by kudos:

What are your five most popular works?

Getting It Right- Kingsman, Harry/Eggsy.  Five times Eggsy gets Harry to kiss him for the wrong reasons (and one time he gets it right). 

Heartlines- James Bond/Sherlock, Bond/Q. Q and Bond are soulmates.  Naturally, it isn't as simple as it sounds. 

No Charm Equal- Kingsman, Harry/Eggsy. Harry is a cupid.  His latest assignment is proving to be... complicated. 

An Accidental Engagement- The Hobbit, Bilbo/Thorin, Fíli/Kíli/Tauriel. Bilbo's fake-it-'til-you-make-it interpretation of dwarven culture is working quite well for him, thank you very much- all the way up until it really, really isn't. 

Until I Saw Your Face- Kingsman, Harry/Eggsy.  Harry just needs somewhere to lay low and patch himself up.  He isn't expecting to meet someone who fascinates him, or to run into that someone again and again.

What are your five least popular works?  (These are in order from least kudos to most, FYI)

Future Tense- The Wild Wild West, Jim/Artie.  The past fights change, and people aren't very good at learning from it. 

A Night’s Work- The Wild Wild West, Artie/Dean Richmond.  An evening well spent.  Possibly. 

The Bet- Mr. Lucky, Lucky/Andamo.  It's the worst wager Lucky's ever made- or possibly the best, depending on what comes next. 

Legends- Sanctuary, Helen/James(/John).  Helen and James- and the changing times. 

Distance- Cormoran Strike, Cormoran/Robin.  One step closer.

Are you surprised? Why?

By the top ones, only a little.  I’m always a bit surprised Heartlines is so far up there because while I know Bond is a big fandom it got basically no attention when I first published it.  Also, it’s more focused on the familial relationship between Q and the Holmes’ brothers than the romance, so while it really speaks to some people not everyone likes it.  And yet it reliably keeps getting kudos.  I bet An Accidental Engagement would be higher if it wasn’t for the Fíli/Kíli/Tauriel subplot, but I do what I want.  The Kingsman fics I’m not too surprised by- they’re the first two I published (when the fandom was more active than it is now) and the longest I published. 

By the bottom ones, definitely not.  Distance is maybe lower than I thought it might be, but the fic is pretty new, so things may change (and the upcoming show might give the fandom little more juice).  Otherwise... The Bet is the only Mr. Lucky fic on AO3 and The Wild Wild West is like 50 years old, so... yeah.  And Future Tense (otherwise known as that time I wrote darkfic) absolutely earned its place as the lowest of the low.  About once a year some industrious soul comes along and kudos all my WWW fic, and when they have the fortitude to also read that one I always drink a little toast to them whoever they are. 

The results might be a little more surprising/informative if I focused just on my Kingsman fics, but...  *shrugs*

Optional: If you want to calculate this, what are your works’ average number of notes/kudos/comments?

I don’t really feel like computing that, but my most kudo’d fic currently has 2,110 kudos and my lowest has 8, so it’s a large spread. 

Today’s date, so you can see how your results might change if you do this again in a year: July 25, 2017

[independentartistbuzz]

7 From The Women is a new segment here on Independent Artist Buzz where we ask some of the industries finest seven questions. During this time of accusations and the lack thereof, we think it’s important to give women a voice. We chose to ask seven questions to honor the seven Wiccan clans.

Lo Marie’s aesthetic encompasses jazz harmonic constructs, urban grooves, soulful guitar passages, and the expressivity of the jazz and neo-soul vocal traditions. Her debut EP, Beyond the Age of Reason(2012), produced by ace Nashville session man Jerry Kimbrough. We had the pleasure of asking her a couple questions this week.

What have you been working to promote lately?

I have been working to promote a series of 7 singles (what a coincidence that you are honoring 7!). Each song will come out approximately a month apart, and will eventually be bundled as the album Le Rêve, which means “The Dream.”

The whole album is a celebration of freedom of creativity and expression. “The Dream” is represented by the phrase “I wanna dance on the moon.” Obviously, that is something that will not happen for me - it is simply embracing the notion of limitless dreaming and having wandering, free-thinking ideas.

Another theme throughout the seven singles is bravery. This idea is best seen through the image of an African Daisy. Every night African Daisies close up, a gesture interpreted as being protective of their vulnerably beautiful pedal display. In the morning, these flowers burst open and share with the world their bold essence. The notion of having to re-open oneself every day seems like such a brave and admirable act.

Sea Monster, which comes out March 8th, is about embracing all aspects of yourself, even the “ugly” parts that you shove down to the bottom of a lake. In the song, those ugly parts grow into a sea monster that rises from the depths to meet you, but instead of being threatening or scary, simply wants to dance with the other half of you in the light of day. It’s a sigh of relief to finally find peace with yourself.

Please tell us about your favorite song written, recorded or produced by another woman and why it’s meaningful to you

Oh man. That’s a tough one. I’d have to say pretty much all of Carole King’s songbook. “You’ve Got a Friend” is such a great song. It’s pure and honest and compassionate. “You Make Me Feel (Like A Natural Woman)” is another great one. It really addresses relationships from both sides - how each person affects the other - and shows how that can be such a positive thing.

What does it mean to you to be a woman making music today and do you feel a responsibility to other women to create messages and themes in your music?

I love who I am, and being a woman is part of that. I also love what I do, which is make music. To me, those two things are very separate. Being able to differentiate yourself from your work is a very important part of living a full life. While I think it would be great to gain more equality in my field, I don’t feel compelled to use my work to promote that idea. Part of equality is freedom. I’d like to be free to write whatever I want to write about it. If that happens to be women’s rights, so be it. If it happens to be something else, that’s great too. I will continue to speak up for women’s rights in the field, but I’m most concerned about making great music.

A lot of what I’ve been writing about lately is about self-acceptance, unconditional love, and bravery. Those are beautiful things, and apply to everyone, not just women. However, I would also argue that those ideas, essentially boiling down to identity development, IS feminism, as well as humanism. So many women need to work on identity development - myself absolutely included. Just yesterday, a guy left a note for me with his number in a very creepy way. My sister and I were talking about how to handle it. We thought maybe I should lie and tell him that I’m seeing someone else. Then it hit us - why on earth do I need to make him feel better about rejection, when it comes at the cost of my own feelings? I hate lying; it makes me feel terrible. Plus, it doesn’t do anything to correct the underlying problem of how he approaches women. That’s just one small everyday example of how I could stand to re-evaluate how I view myself in comparison to a male acquaintance. In any case, I firmly believe that self-acceptance and identity development, the themes I often choose to write about, are a big part of feminism. But make no mistake - it is a choice to write about these things, not a responsibility. By the time I didn’t have a choice, then it would become a responsibility.

What is the most personal thing you have shared in your music or in your artist brand as it relates to being female?

Dirty Fools is about a college professor who crossed the line. I honestly thought it only happened in the movies. It was a clear abuse of power.

It started really innocently. He was my big band director and I was also in his Jazz Chord Extensions class, and I also played in his professional big band. He would take the college big band rhythm section out for pizza every Tuesday before our sectional rehearsal. One by one the other members got too busy for dinner AND rehearsal, and for a week or two, it was just the two of us. He was a southern gentleman, so he would kiss me on the cheek to say goodbye. He would also waive me into his office when I had free time and show me cool old jazz videos, which was awesome, but it established that it was ok to be alone together in a non-professional manner. After that, he invited me out to one of his gigs, brought me backstage to hang with the band and drink beer. While it was still harmless, it once again established that our relationship was not strictly professional. The following week, he called me up on Friday and asked if I had dinner plans because he knew a really cool spot. I knew that going to dinner alone on a Friday night was not something I was comfortable with, but I didn’t know how to say no. After all, he controlled my grades in 2 classes, and my scholarship depended upon a certain GPA. Additionally, he was well respected in the music community, and he really could be detrimental to my career in the long run if he wanted to be. So I went. It turns out that this “cool spot” was actually an hour away and quite fancy. Then the change was visible. Monday in the hallway at school, instead of kissing my cheek to say goodbye, it was on the lips. In public. It totally took me by surprise. The fact that it was in public meant that I really couldn’t react to it. Then it happened again. After talking to my roommate and crying for a week, I decided to talk to him about it. I went in to his office and immediately the tears came. He kept saying, “This can’t all be from me. What’s going on? You can talk to me.” Instead of hearing me, he used it as an opportunity to be my shoulder to cry on and try to get closer. I knew then that talking to him wasn’t going to change anything.

I should also take a moment to say that he had cancer. It had come back for a third time, and things were not looking good. If I went to the Dean, would he lose his job and therefore his healthcare? There’s absolutely no way that I wanted to condemn this man to death. In so many ways he was an excellent mentor and there was a vast amount I could learn from him. People are very complex - not all good, and not all bad. But he shouldn’t die for making me feel uncomfortable.

I should also say that this behavior of being inappropriately close to female students had happened to at least 2 other girls that I knew of, and I could see it starting to happen with a new Freshman too. Nobody else wanted to say anything.

After a month of being really unhappy and seeing my grades start to slip, I decided to talk to the Dean. I told her that I didn’t want any repercussions for him - I simply wanted her to know what was going on so that she could keep and eye on it, and for me to withdraw from his classes. One of his classes was actually required for me to graduate, but he very kindly decided to give me an A in the course rather than have a W on my record (I had already audited the course the previous year and taken the exams, so he gave me the A retroactively).

Things went the absolute best they could have. It felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. I had successfully made myself happier without hurting another person and while keeping future students safe too. Dirty Fools is a complete celebration of speaking up! I couldn’t be happier that I did. I hope it inspires other women to speak up as well. Even more than that, I hope it encourages everyone to speak up about what they need. Communication is such an essential part of coexistence.

A year later, we were able to make up. When I first started playing guitar for him, he had given me his Fender Stratocaster from his high school rock band. I gave it back when everything went down. Instead of making up with words, he told me that the guitar was still mine, and that any time I wanted to come back to his professional big band, there was a spot for me. I’m so glad that I was able to forgive him. He passed away about two years after that.

What female artists have inspired you and influenced you?

Alicia Keys is such an inspiration to me. She is a promoter of both feminism and humanism. She delivers her message in a beautiful and uplifting way that seems like it comes from a place of honesty and purity. I fell in love with her as a musician right off the bat with Songs in A Minor, and she’s kept me as an avid fan by making me feel like a comrade on a shared journey. I love how she chooses to use her platform, and I love that she chooses to be more than a musician (even though I believe that being a musician should be enough - but that’s another story).

What was the most challenging thing you have had to face as a female artist?

Gaining base-line respect from others in the industry. Whenever I’m working with new musicians, I always have to be on the top of my game. Granted, I always want to be on the top of my game, and working hard is important to me; however, there is simply no room to slack. If I don’t show up to a rehearsal with everything ready to spoon feed the musicians, they won’t put in the effort to make great music with me. One small example was just a little comment in passing after we’d finished our first rehearsal together. He said, “You really have your stuff together for a chick singer.” He immediately backpedaled, but the fact of the matter is: that’s what he was actually thinking. He came into the rehearsal thinking that I would suck, be uneducated, or somehow less of a musician than he is. Once I’ve broken through the first impression barrier, things generally flow pretty smoothly. But extrapolate that to how many cold emails I send out weekly for booking, press, etc. If that is everyone’s first assumption, I’m constantly fighting a pretty steep uphill battle.

If you could collaborate with any other female artists who would you choose?

Nai Palm - she has such a gift for music making. Lyrics, chord progressions, meter changes - she’s just fantastic. One of my favorite lyrics of hers is “I could call your demons inside, soak them in Chamomile.” It’s simple, but it’s such a unique thought.

Susan Tedeschi - both as a singer and guitarist

Bonnie Raitt - I love her slide style

Joni Mitchell - what a beautiful songwriter. And I love her guitar playing too. She knew exactly what tone she wanted for each song.

Connect with Lo Marie online:

www.lomariemusic.com

https://open.spotify.com/artist/22CZx5oZBRtU7XFHpnlDeq?si=znekMmgRSrCC7O3nf5MzjA

https://www.instagram.com/lomariemusic/

https://www.facebook.com/LoMarieMusic/

https://twitter.com/LoMarieMusic

https://www.youtube.com/LoMarieMusic