#this is at 530 am and i have barely slept if at all

[clonewarsahsoka]

I've just had such an awful fucking time

[pbandjesse]

I am not doing so great. I thought I was doing a lot better but this was false. I hate being sick.

I didn't sleep great last night. I was very very cold. I did switch into a better sweater before we went to bed for real but I kept waking myself up coughing and was just not having a good time.

I woke up for real right before 7. I wanted to see James before they left for work. I requested a cup of juice and some watermelon before they left. Anything to be a little hydrated. My lips are very very chapped and painful and only got more split throughout the day. It was rough.

James made the bed for me. And found for a soft dress to wear. I cleaned myself up a little before I got back in bed. I wanted the bed made so I could lay up a little to help with my breathing. And it did help. James also gave me DayQuil before they left and that helped a lot.

I would actually feel pretty alright this morning. Like I was hella weak. And coughing. But the fever was gone. And I was slowly getting it together. I was shaky but it was improving. I emailed the nursery and let them know I wouldn't be in tomorrow. I feel bad because it really messed up their schedule and now they are bouncing all over. But I know I won't be strong enough. We'll be lucky if I'm alright enough by Tuesday. I am planning on it. But it's hard to judge.

I would get another row of my crochet blanket done. I did not get it attached but the pieces are together. And I did today's embroidery. Which isn't the best I've done but I'm just glad I was able to hold it together enough to finish.

I had some cereal. And a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And decided a daytime bath would make me feel nice.

I used a ton of oil and my skin felt really good after. I need to wash my hair but I didn't have the energy for that today.

But I would get dressed again and get back in bed. And watch videos. And eventually I fell asleep.

I slept for hours. I don't exactly know when I fell asleep but I woke up at 530. I felt so weak. I could barely talk. James had brought me home pizza and eating helped but it was so hard to even sit up. I was doing better with temperature control. But I was weak as hell and it sucks.

I did feel better after eating and drinking and taking DayQuil. We don't have anymore though so I'm going to ask that James picks some up tomorrow. I really hope I feel better tomorrow.

Now though I'm going to brush my teeth and try to sleep without hacking up a lung. I keep coughing so hard I start gagging and it sucks so much.

I hope you are all feeling alright tonight. Sleep good my friends.

[babiesdreams]

Day 3: Jisung

Warnings: Too much fluff 

Word count: 530 (I know it´s short but I see him like a younger brother, don´t kill me, I tried my best)

23 nights with nct (Don´t read the smut ones if you are a minor).

It was the first night you would spend with your boyfriend and you couldn't help getting nervous. What if he didn't like your bare face? What if he snores? What if you snore? Your mind was full of insecurities and probable nightmare scenarios. You spent the whole day deciding on which pajama you would wear and, finally chose a cute and simple two-piece pajama.

You knock at the door, nervous as hell, waiting for him to open, you can hear his steps coming your way and a distant “coming”. He finally opens the door, inviting you in. He notices how nervous you are by how you are acting, so he tries his best to make you feel comfortable. “Should we watch a movie?” He asks, while you get your things on the couch. “Sure” You say in a tiny voice, not able to speak louder. 

After a couple of minutes discussing what to watch, you finally decide to watch IT. Maybe a scary movie wasn't the best option since you were a scaredy cat, but you both heard good reviews about the movie. So there you were, covered by a comfy, soft blanket, sitting down on the couch, as you watch the different scenes of the movie. You can't control yourself from screaming at the jump scares, but you are glad that Jisung is there to hold you comforting you at every scary scene.

Once the movie finishes, you both prepare dinner together. It relaxes you a bit, the chance to do things you already did with him like a thousand times. After eating dinner, you both are exhausted so he guides you to the shower, explaining everything to you, where the soap is, which towels you can use, what the different bottles are, and he leaves you there, giving you some space as he goes to the living room again.

You get naked and start showering. While you do, all your insecurities come back, taking over your mind. The hot water doesn't help at all. You get out, when you are done and get yourself dry with the help of the towel. You get dressed back, this time with your pajamas and come out of the bathroom. “That's so cute” Jisung points out, looking at your outfit. You smile at his comment. “Are you sleepy yet?” He says as he looks at his clock. “Oh it's 3 AM” He says. Time definitely passes so fast when you are with him. You both go to his bedroom, agreeing that it's time to sleep. 

You sit on one side of the bed, feeling anxious as you have never slept with anyone like that. “You don't need to be nervous, we will just sleep” He says, almost as if he could read your mind. He lays down, getting inside the blankets and signs for you to do the same. You finally get inside of the blankets, facing the wall. Just when you get inside the blankets, Jisung wraps his arm around your waist pulling you closer, his other hand plays with your hair, making you feel sleepy. You end up getting completely knocked out just like that.

Regular masterlist--- requests are open.

[supraveng]

Agent of Shield - Chapter 2

Summary: You are a relatively new agent at Shield, but not a field agent, apparently that is about to change when you meet the Avengers and they realize you are a valuable asset

Word count:2259

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

I wake up Sunday morning around 5am, I can’t remember the last time I slept for a full 8 hours like that, but I feel so refreshed that I hop right up and head to the kitchen.   Checking my phone while my coffee brews, I see a text from my dad just before midnight last night.  

Pops: Pumpkin, how was your day?  I hadn’t heard from you, I’m sure you are staying busy.  Hopefully made it to the shelter today and found yourself a new companion.  

Y/N: Good morning Colonel!  I was in bed much earlier than you apparently.  I’ll call you after my run this morning, love you

I sit down sipping my coffee and grab a protein bar before heading back in my room to change to my favorite leggings and tank.  I used to hate running, but after moving to NYC, watching the sunrise as I jog through Central Park makes my day so much better, I can’t imagine missing it even once. This morning I’m a bit earlier than usual and get a chance to take the longer route through the park.  The sunrise is as beautiful as ever and adds a calming effect that I crave in this crazy world.  I decide to treat myself this morning and swing by my favorite coffee shop while heading down Central Park West.  As I step into the shop my phone rings and I answer without looking at the caller id. “Colonel, I told you I would call you when I got home, what’s making you so impatient this morning?” 

I state with fake annoyance.  “uh, Agent Miller?” I hear in response, ok, that’s definitely not my dad.  “Yea, who is this?  And how did you get this number?” I respond as I finally look at the caller id and see it’s a blocked number.  With a soft chuckle they respond “this is Steve Rogers; Director Fury gave me your number.  I didn’t intend on calling you this early, but we received some new communications late last night and hoping you are available to translate for us again.”  Wow, he even sounds handsome, how is that possible.  “Oh, hi, yes of course I can help.  I’m on the upper west side right now, I can be at the tower in 15 minutes, but I just finished a run and I’m kind of disgusting.”  Why did you just say that, you idiot? “That would be great, the quicker we can get this resolved, the better.  Should we send a car for you?” he asks.  “No, I’m good.  I’m picking up coffee, do you need any?” Seriously? What is wrong with me? It’s like I hear his voice and turn into an imbecile.  “No, but thank you for the offer, see you soon.” he replies before disconnecting the call. I grab my coffee and start heading toward mid-town when I look down and realize what I’m wearing, not only is the word Juicy across my ass, but my tank reads ‘I’m not a rapper, I just cuss a lot’. I laugh at how ridiculous I feel for being worried about what I’m wearing, I should be worried about the sweat that’s beginning to dry on my skin, bleh.

I arrive at the tower just as a security guard is unlocking the door for me. “Good morning” I chirp trying to sound as professional as possible while looking like a huge mess. “They are expecting you in the conference room on the 25th floor, use the first elevator on the left” he responds barely looking up, apparently, he’s not a morning person.  “Thanks” I smile as I head toward the elevators.  “Nice outfit” he smirks as I walk into the elevator.  Well, this should be interesting. Walking down the hall I get an eerie flashback from yesterday’s recordings and try to calm myself to focus on the task and not get too overwhelmed.   That worked for almost a full 5 minutes before you walk into the conference room to find Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson dressed in sweats and t-shirts.  A girl could die happy here! Deep breath and don’t make an ass of yourself! “Good morning gentlemen, I’m glad you got the dress code memo” I say as I enter the room.  “Glad you could make it on such short notice, Agent Miller, this is Sam Wilson. Sam, this is Agent Miller, she is helping us with our translating” Steve smiles as he introduces me.  “It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr. Wilson, please call me Y/N.” “Well, you can call me Sam, and I’m glad none of us overdressed this morning.” he responds as you move closer to the conference room table.  “Normally, I would have put a bit more effort into my appearance, but I was finishing my run through the park when you called.” I smile and try to calm my nerves.  “It’s 645 in the morning and you were finishing your run?” he asks with a bit of shock.  I nod my head and grab a pen and paper off the table. “Geez, your worst than Cap! Wait, what park are you running through in the middle of the night?” he asks with a raised eyebrow and has now caught the attention of Steve, who seems more interested in the conversation now.  “Um, Central Park and it’s not the middle of the night, I didn’t get there until almost 530” you say nonchalantly.  The are both now looking at you like you have 3 heads.  “What? Growing up, I was the lazy one still in bed at 6am.  And I like watching the sunrise, it’s a good way to start your day.  So, you have another conversation to translate?”  you add quickly trying to change the subject.  

“Yes, we received a few early this morning, or I guess last night is a better time frame. Anyway, there are a few bits and pieces here and there.   Hopefully they have more info for us, but anything we can get will help us at this point.” Steve responds.  “Actually, how are your typing skills?  There are about 15 different recordings so I was hoping you might be able to type them up as you translate.” he adds looking at you hopeful.  “I think I’m around 90 wpm, so that shouldn’t be an issue” “Great, I’ll grab the laptop and you can get started” he claps Sam on the back as he heads out the door.  Sam looks you over as if he’s trying to solve a riddle.  “You ok?” I ask.  “I’m assuming you came from a military family if 6am made you the lazy one, am I right?” he asks with a knowing smile.  “Yes, my dad is a marine, and both of my brothers joined after college, one in the Navy and one in the Air Force” you smile realizing that Sam probably knows your dad and your brothers even if he hasn’t figured it out yet.  Steve comes back in the room, walking up behind you with the laptop and you realize that he’s now probably read your ass and you are trying your best to not crawl under the table in embarrassment.  “Ok, here is everything you should need.   The files are in the desktop folder with today’s date.  Thanks again for putting your life on hold to help us out.”  Steve says as he sets the laptop down in front of you.  You relax just from his kind words and smile at him, “it’s my pleasure, Steve”.

You begin working and do your best to not stare and drool over the gorgeous men in the room.  Just as you are about to begin your next recording, the buildings AI FRIDAY alerts Steve of a call coming in for you.  You look up confused and shrug your shoulders, no one knows you are here.  Then you hear Director Fury’s voice loud and clear. “Sorry to interrupt the party going on over there, but Agent Miller?  Would you like to explain why Colonel Miller is calling me at this hour on a Sunday morning?” he states sounding as irritated as ever.  “That’s probably because he loves you and misses you.” You respond flatly. “Ok, that’s probably only part of the reason, I was supposed to call him when I was done with my run and I got sidetracked.  Be a dear and cover for me?” you respond hoping that Nick is in a good mood and willing to help you out.  Sam is looking at Steve utterly confused, to which Steve just shrugs and shakes his head, laughing at how you seem completely comfortable around Fury and not at all intimidated like everyone else in SHIELD.  “How about you tell him yourself?” he responds before you hear a beep and your dad starting to talk. “Pumpkin, are you there?”  You hang your head embarrassed even more than you thought was possible for one day and you’ve only been awake for a little over 2 hours at this point. “Hi dad, I’m so sorry I didn’t call you, but I’m at work right now and I will call you as soon as I’m done, I promise.” You begin bargaining knowing full well it will get you no where but hoping he will take mercy on you.  “What are you having for breakfast?” he responds.  Your shoulders slump knowing this is only going to get worst.  Steve looks at you a little confused as to the question. Ok, I might as well get this over, if I don’t play along with his silly games then this is only going to become more humiliating. “I’m having pineapples covered in guacamole” you respond hoping Sam and Steve aren’t paying attention.  You then look up and know they heard but the confused and disgusted expressions on their faces.  “Alright, that’s good.  Now explain yourself.” he responds, and you take a deep breath.  “Dad, I was finishing my run and got called into work. I’m here now but have a bit more work to do, I promise I will call you the minute I’m done and headed home.”  “Fine, I wasn’t expecting to see you at the Stark tower at this time of the morning and assumed your body was discarded in the dumpster, that would be the only reason .you hadn’t called and didn’t answer my calls.” “Old man, you are so dramatic” you say with a smirk “and I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”  “Good, bye Pumpkin.”  

The call disconnects and you look at Sam and Steve hoping that you can get back to translating but knowing by the looks on their faces they have a lot of questions. “What the hell was that?” Sam asks trying to understand the conversation you just had with your dad.  “That was my dad, he’s a bit overprotective and paranoid” you respond hoping that would explain enough.  “Wait, your dad is Colonel Miller, as in Colonel Joseph Miller?” he asks. You nod and smile, you love your dad, but he had a reputation of being a big mean Marine, which he could be if he wanted to, but he never was with you, he was a giant teddy bear that worried about you more than necessary.  “And your breakfast choice?” Steve asked, still quite confused by what just happened. “Oh, that” I respond “when we were younger, my dad started this thing so that we could relay to him if we were in danger or kidnapped.   He asks about what we are eating and the most ridiculous or gross thing you answer means you are fine.  If I had answered pancakes, then he would know that I’m in danger, if I add eggs, then I’ve been injured.  If I add bacon it’s by someone I know, it’s crazy, and has only been used in innocent situations like today, but like I said he’s paranoid and overprotective” I shrug and smile at the guys.  It’s one of the things that made you love your dad, a thousand miles away and still making sure you are protected no matter what.  Steve looks at you with his brow furrowed “that’s kind of genius.”  I nod “yea, he’s good like that” I respond. “Wait, if he’s your dad, then Joshua and Jacob are your brothers?” Sam asks like he just figured everything out. I nod and smile “Yes, they are, and I apologize for anything they did that got you in trouble, that’s kind of their specialty.”  “Are you kidding?  Jacob was my saving grace in the Air Force, he is a bad ass and one of the best airmen I’ve ever known!” Sam explains with a huge smile on his face.  “Well, I’m glad, he would like to here that, he was medically discharged a few years ago after breaking his shoulder and it not healing as quickly as it should have.  He actually just started working with the Secret Service and finally feeling like himself again.” I tell him.  “Wow, that’s incredible.  I would love to catch up with him.  What about Josh?  Is he still sailing?” he asks.  “Yes, he’s on the west coast, San Diego or maybe Seattle.  I’m not sure, he moves around a lot.” I respond.  “Well, now that we are all caught up, Sam, can you check the data that just came in?  Hopefully, we can get through this info and still enjoy the rest of our day” Steve says thoughtfully as he looks between you and Sam.  “Of course” I respond and go back to the recordings. 

TAGS @farfromjustordinary​

NEXT CHAPTER

[queencryo]

Journal 3

now with readmore

Journal 3

So! After typing up the last blog post, it was like… 6 am, or some shit like that. And so I finally went to sleep, very very very tired.

Silly and I had planned for me to have the buffalo chicken dip ready before she got home form work, but I… fucked that up, and slept until like 630 pm. She didn’t seem to be upset by it, but I kind of was so. Anyway!

I started on the dip, and she came home, I welcomed her (I love welcoming her home. It makes me look forward to being here long-term). Dip didn’t get started in the crockpot until like 730, 8 (I had to heat freezer chicken so it was cuttable and not frozen, I used the stove) (normally I use regular raw chicken, but I got nervous while shopping with silly’s mom so I like. Just got freezer chicken.) It turned out pretty well actually! The freezer chicken tasted very good on its own, and I’m just now realizing that after a couple days in the fridge the chicken starts breaking down in the dip anyway (I didn’t realize this until silly pointed it out, cuz I’m a [not stupid, but I don’t pay very much attention to things around me])

On that note, me and silly have started, like. Trying to be mean to ourselves less. It started cuz she. Is very mean to herself, but I then realized I still am too, so we’re! trying to do that less. It’s neat I guess. I like it. Kindness is good.

Don’t remember what was eaten for dinner that night. Something? Went upstairs to watch something while the dip cooked.

The dip was good! Silly says it was good, and that makes me very very happy. I added like. A good amount of buffalo sauce after it was done cooking, cuz it still needed some more kick. Ya know? Some  kick? (I’m typing this on my laptop so I’m like. Kind of zoning out while I’m typing it. Dw about it)

Around then I realized that silly might have problems eating that as a meal bc chips are carbs are sugar, so… bleh. Still, *I’ll* eat it as meals, nyeh. I think I’ll ocntinue using raw chicken for the dip at home, it’s nice to have the leftovers from it to put into spaghetti. Chicken spaghetti.

That night I resolved to just not sleep and stay up and eat breakfast with silly before she went to work, because that seemed very fun and nice ya know? Watched a lot of adventure time, I think I’m up to like. Season 5 now (the long one)

But… around an hour before she was scheduled to wake p I was like “oh well I mean it’ll be fine if I just… sleep for an hour and wake up with her…”

Long story short I slept until about 530 pm, and was startled to wake to an empty bed. Apparently I sleepily said I loved her before she left, though, so I guess that’s not a total loss.

So! Later that night, silly comes home all excited, and like. “Hey we should buy an xbox one”

And you know I am nothing if not someone who is willing to make very expensive decisions for like no reason. So long story short we go to gamestop, and make a delightful purchase of Halo: master chief collection, two controllers, Mass Effect: Andromeda, and NO t-shirts that say gamer girl >>>:(

Ate a place in town that is apparently The Local Wing Place. I got. Mild wings, which honestly were barely even hot. I guess I shoulda heeded the menu bit that said the mild was mostly butter. A fool am I. The fried pickles were spears not slices so they were like! Still good, EXTREMELY hot but still good.

Came home, set up the xbox. Halo requires downloading of all the games (because of course). It’s like. 70 GB, but we reduce this by setting Halo 3 to higher priority and disabling Halo 4.

Playing 3 with silly was very fun. She’s way way better at it than me, mostly bc she is smart and stays back whereas I, dumbo raised on normal difficulty that I am, rush in and die quickly in heroic.

She spent like. An hour and a half or something updating her old xbox account. Her new xbox avatar looks way better, and is extremely cool (like her). She says it feels really nice updating all of that to her new self. I can understand the feeling: ridding the wolrd of another footprint of a you that’s a lie is. Very nice, I think.

So we played more halo! No highlights, I think, but it was really nice. And fun. I’m a girl and I’m gay now and I love jesus, but I still love halo C:

I ALSO brought fable 2 along, and played it while silly slept. Gotdamn I fucking love fable 2. Silly says I’m cute when I’m really excited about something. I was REALLY excited about fable 2. I think this is the first time I’ve ever done a run that’s (hopefully) gonna be mostly strength, and possibly I’m gonna use a hammer, where before I always ALWAYS used a katana. But. I just unlocked third level shock (oo) and a very pretty steel cleaver (ooo), so… ….. hopin’ I’ll be a good bastard.

Next day. Went with silly to work, as it was Friday and Time For The Magic Commander (Commeownder, in the local parlance). I only played commander a little bit, though, before silly called me over “hey do you wanna join the draft so that there are 5 rounds and everyone suffers” (my words not hers), and of course yes, that sounds so fun.

So! What draft is is each table (of I think eight people?) opens a pack of cards for each person there. You pick out the card you want from that pack, and pass it on to the next person. Then pick a card from the new pack, then the next, then so on and on. It was very fun, and I fell kinda quickly into running a Golgari (green and black) deck, which went well for me I think? (Also I just. Like golgari. They’re cool, and not annoying like blue). I had a lot of undergrowth effects, which depended on how many creatures I had in my graveyard. MEANING, that I had a lot of creatures in my deck, and enough land to keep them flowing. So, at one point, I had a, I think, 13/13 or 16/16 (idr) Rhizome lurker (gains +1/1 for each creature in graveyard), so that was… cool? Neat?

I won my first match of the draft, largely due to my opponent offering me a lot of tips cuz I was new (the boyfriend (boyfriend, right? They’re not married?) of the person silly had an encounter with a couple months ago. I think that was before we were dating. But that guy was my first opponent, and it went well?) largely due to his help, I won te first game of the match, then the second game timed out.

Second match was against F, who everyone silly knows apparently has a crush on (I also have a crush on them (they/them)), they were very very sweet and I enjoyed my game with them a lot even though they kicked the love of god out of my ass. But they also like. Told jokes during it, so whatevs. (turns out a deck of flyers will kick a goglari deck with no reach/flying in the ass.) they also helped me edit my deck, so that was very very kind of them, and I very much appreciate it.

Uh… other highlights… uh, I played silly’s ex (they dated for like. I think a month? But still. He’s not nearly as big as silly described him), and apparently hurt his feelings because I am a. very very mean and abrasive person if you take the things I say seriously. I. feel bad about that. And I spent the rest of the night noting to please not take the things I said seriously. I ended the night with 1 win, 1 draw, 3 losses, but that’s? very very much better than I expected, tbh. I guess using a deck I actually had a hand in the creation of helps a lottttt. So that’s cool! Silly said my deck was good, but that as after F edited it, so idk if it counts?

Silly says she’s glad I actually enjoy magic and I’m not just humoring her. I do very much enjoy it! I don’t think I want to get to the level she is at (due to cost, if nothing else), it at the very least will be added to my long list of “things I have or had an interest in, that I have a dabbling or casual knowledge of that is beyond the average person by a degree ranging from slight to significant, but still pales in comparison to the knowledge of an actual practitioner”.  … this list is much much longer than the list of things I actually know things about. ;;

Spent like 30 minutes after the draft talking with silly and two regulars. I was annoying and unkind, and felt very unhappy with myself following. I also had to actually leave the store after it closed, since that’s like. The Rules. Silence and isolation (waiting in the car) are not conducive to recovery from self hatred, so that festered a little bit. I was fine eventually, though. Uh… yeah! Had to make a mark in my calendar.

Tried to stay up and play fable, but ended up falling asleep like 10 minutes after silly (I am a fucking scourge and I fail regularly to sleep at the same time as her. I am a Night Bitch)

Oh, also I was unmedicated for the entirety of the draft night, so that’de, like… that’s why I was so fucking annoying all day. That just kinda happens when I’m off it long enough, I guess.

I don’t remember more from that night, so let’s move on.

Got up w silly the next day, ate cereal, went up to the store. Woo!

Sat down with silly’s ex, some other dude. Started reading the book gf gave me about Learning Magic Good And Shit, it was actually real neat and cool! Apparently that’s what he wanted for Christmas, so it was. Slightly awkward!

I read that for a while, then joined in on a magic game. Players: one of the regulars talked to last night before closing, some girl I’d never seen called E (who was very sweet, I now love her), and some dude I don’t remember at all.

We had two games, I only remember that in the second one I ran Estrid The Masked as commander, and that was a. Long Fucking Game. Partially because I had like 11 enchantments on the board at one point, and kept using Estrid and Oath Of Terezi (planeswalkers do TWO things on a turn). Uh…

Highlights:

I had “every time someone casts a spell, make them pay an extra mana or else you can draw another card”, which I then doubled with Estrid’s invocation (at least until I had too many cards to know what to do with, so I put some enchantments in the graveyard before I ulted with estrid) I ulted Estrid like 2-3 times, lmao At one point between ults, I had “all enchantments are creatures” on the field, and then E played “destroy all creatures that aren’t pirates”, so I. lost. Uh. All my motherfucking creatures, except Estrid (not a creature), and a God (had a mask). And ALL my fucking enchantments. WARB- anyway next turn I ulted estrid again and got them all back. Lmfao. at the end of the game it cost about 14 mana / creature to attack me, it was AMAZING, the guy who made fucktons of tokens couldn’t TOUCH me so anyway. I used sacred mesa, plus like 48 mana (untapping all my enchanted lands is GREAT) to create 24 pegasi, which then became 24 4/4 flying angels (Divine Visitation), which was GREAT holy DAMN

I lost in the end, got milled by regular dude for like. 55 cards in one turn.

I coulda prevented this by exiling the creatures he used to mill me, but I just… didn’t. Ever. :C because I’m a foollllllll I also could’ve prevented this by swinging angels at him at the same time I killed the other player (E left before then, I guess she had work or something), but I just. Didn’t do that, because I was scared something would happen to them? It was an eminently foolish thing to not do, especially since I could make So Fucking Many angels. Always. Jesus I could make so many angels.

Meanwhile, silly was moving a shitton of boxes for the Big Fuckhuge Sale the next day. I felt bad that I couldn’t help, but I couldn’t bc if I got injured I could sue. Fair, I guess, but doesn’t make it easier to just sit on the sidelines. At least I brought ibuprofen from home.

Said quick goodbye to regulars who were chill, and who I played my first couple of games with.

Silly got told to just. Go home when her shift ended yesterday, which was upsetting bc she’d been looking forward to playing magic like. The whole day. Not quite the same, but we did play a few games when we got home. So that was nice C:

I ate dip for dinner, silly ate chicken buffalo. She is so. SO bad at eating all the meat on the bones. She says it’s cuz gristle is gross, but like .it’s. it’s MEAT. Eat the meat. So I ate all the gristle off the end of her wings while she said I was disgusting.

We finished halo 3 last night. I felt like. Stupid and bad because I was bein a failure at it, but god that was like. Soooo stupid. Lmfao. I shouldn’t have done that!

I finally managed to log in to my Microsoft account. Apparently my fucking username was staffgripper36, and I have no goddamned clue why that is my username for that.

But I made an avatar and she’s like. Cool af and she has a sundress so I guess I can’t really complain too much, can I?

We also started ODST! It is Neat, and I really like it thus far. I can’t remember ever seeing that intro cutscene in my life, but I guess that’s cuz I was an impatient 12 year old at the time, lmfao.

Then I played fable 2 til 7 am while silly slept. I. Don’t know why I fucking did that. I did get married, though. To marion the bookshop owner. We live in the corner house of the bowerstone market, just like the one playthrough of fable wherein I remember the name of my wife to this day (Hannah the Traveller) That house is my Home, you got me?

Finally onto today! 2520 words in. If words were feet, this journal entry would be a half-mile.

Alright… it has now been more than a full week since I started this journal entry. I’m back in Texas, and I… feel bad for that. I fear how much has been lost.

So! Next morning, I get up with silly and we go to The Work Place. The Big Fucking Sale is going on. I still wished I could help more, but unfortunately that is… not a possibility…

Wandered around the store for a while. Picked up: 4000 AD, a very old-looking game that seems neat. Mostly bought it cuz it looked old and aged as shit founders of gloomhaven, a game I got cuz it reminded me of marielda Anime Chess, that’s not the real name but silly said she’d been thinking about buying it for like. A While, so I bought it because I hate her an AD&D character sheets book, that still had some old character sheets in it (fuckin score) some VERY old vampire the masquerade stuff, including what I’m guessing is probably the first book that offered playing a hunter rather than a vampire? Also the sourcebook as of like 1992. More is the same than is different, though I guess that’s also cuz I barely know modern world of darkness

Sat around and read the hunter book for like. Basically a couple hours or something? Idk. Talked a little bit with some of the regulars, T and her boyfriend.

Eventually, left and went to the ice cream store across the street, ate Goat Cheese Ice Cream Oh Boy, and started writing this journal.

I wrote school’s motto on the chalkboard there, and later heard someone say “I… don’t know what that means. Should I know what that means?

Was surprised by the entrance of Silly. Goodness me I love her so much.

We then went home and like. Chilled.

She made alfredo/lentil pasta (so she doesn’t die from carbs) and fish. I, meanwhile, attempted to make raspberry cheesecake.

I got kinda stressed by the cheesecake process, cuz I was trying to multitask but still didn’t feel like I was going fast enough. I started doing that dumb anxiety over-done stuff thing that I do sometimes.

I then proceeded to open a very-fizzed dr pepper and just kinda. Break down a lil bit. I managed to keep it together until I had the cheesecake done, at least, I’m kinda proud of myself for that!

But yeah. Then I started crying or something, I don’t fully remember. I remember I accidentally made silly cry because I am an idiot, and also I was feeling bad because I felt helpless and pathetic, and typical consolation doesn’t really help with that. I’m sorry for that, darlin.

Anyway. She’s a really good fucking cook, like she’s better than my mom and dad both. Like not to be the kinda person who overpraises ther significant, but :eyes: !!! who knew that adding spices and not cooking from a box improved things??? @mom

I don’t really remember the rest of the night, nothing interesting I suppose. We probably played halo odst or something, and cuddled.

The cheesecake was… not to my taste, personally. Silly claims to kinda like it, but personally it fell into the “this isn’t really that good at all, why do I keep wantng to eat it”, probably my favorite part was the pre-baked crust.

Yeah! Stuf like that.

We got up the next morning. Busy day!!! The next 3 days, silly had em off and we were gonna make this day fuckin WORK for us

So we went to like. The nearby game store

There was a cat! And also I bought some magic card boosters. No news. Why the fuck was there a shitton of pathfinder corebooks on the Shelf O’ Unloved Games. Rude.

Had a fun conversation at a pet store

The game store near where silly worked had some things. She got halo 5, meaning she had The Complete Collection, not that it matters cuz everything after reach sucks. But anyway. She also got an application for there! So that’s really good, yay! Woo!

The nearby hobby shop was very neat, it had a shitton of gundam stuff, and like. Model trains! Wow! Apparently model rockets don’t fuckin come with the engine or anything.g that seems a little silly to me. Also they had some 3-d printing stations, but they’re apparently out for now. Idk whassup there.

Got some jingle bells at the nearby craft store, or whatever. Ran into a coworker of silly’s. she revealed that she almost named herself Katherine, and would’ve shortened it to Cat, meaning we fucking skated THIS close to me just absolutely refusing to talk to her in that alternate timeline.

Ate at dairy queen bc I had a gift card

THRIFT STORES

I made some very VERY nice discoveries. Oh HO, how delightful… some nice mugs, that I decided not to get on account of I was already transporting 3 of the things back home. But uhhh…. I got some cute skirts I think, basically just some bottoms, from the first store. Learned that my feet are not made for thrift store women’s heels. Sob.

Thrift shop two I found some very VERY nice things, including BASEBALL MOM SHIRT, and also a shirt for a basketball team for the immaculate conception high school, or some shit. I’m so excited to reveal that one. Also some things that were actually women’s tops, that might actually fit me or some shit (spoiler, they will not once I retry them on) (lol)

I uh… THINK after that we went home? And made tacos!!!!!! Holy shit silly makes such good fucking tacos oh my god. Like. I used to hate taco night at home, cuz that meant like. Dry hamburger meat with Taco Seasoning from HEB, in a hard taco shell.

But. I have discovered the truth of mixing a bit of salsa, corn, and beans into the meat, and getting it all moist, and also applying sour cream to the tacos. God they were so good holy fuck. Holy fuck. What a goddess.

We then proceeded to, I think, finish halo odst. What absolute heroines we are. I think we also watched all of otgw. I gushed about, like. The painfully o bvious metaphors and stuff that I knew about, and silly thought I was dumb I’m sure. But she did cry at the end, bc it’s very good and also because I was crying.

Stayed up later than silly did. Cried a little bit before I went to sleep because I. love her so much. Dear fuck I love her.

Ate breakfast the next morning. Returned from showering to find that silly was shooting me with a nerf gun. The fucker. We had a nerf gun fight and I’m PRETTY sure I got the better of her, because I’m very good and also extremely cool. :3 side note but she’s so amazing and I love her so much. NOT tearing up a little bit about how I am so extremely blessed to have met her. Jesus.

But uh. After that it was time to start packing, kind of. There was a not-small amount of crying. And divvying up of stuff, since I like. Did NOT have space for all of my things. Three piles: taking with me, hopefully to have mailed back to me (seriously, I need some of that stuff please. :C ), and Giving to silly because I love her and I love giving her things.

In that last group was: my first fountain pen (idk if that one or the one leye gave me was the first one I owned. But hey. Meh.) (I’m just gonna pronounce that as Ley-yey for the rest of my life. For anyone who’s not me, though, it’s like lye). She used it to write poetry on the piece of paper I used to demonstrate how to use it, and to get the ink going, and stuff. She then folded it up to look like a heart, because she’s the biggest dork on earth and also my favorite person ever to live. She did this while she was, in her words, “picking stuff out of the downstairs laundry baskets”, which is why I walked in on her doig this. The second time a ploy like this was foiled by my walking downstairs. What a loser. And yes I cried a LOT on reading that poetry, because, just… jesus. How could I not. my tentacle skirt. Please take care of it, it’s important! Hopefully I have found suitable replacements for it… probably some other stuff? I don’t fully remember… sorry….

She gave me the shirt for the now-defunct electric company owned by the Shithead dad of her childhood friend. Holy FUCK the perfect gift for me. Wow. I love artifacts!!! (we are both magpies lmao)

Never did find that pair of compression shorts she gave me last time I was down. I hope those turn up sometime, they were super handy.

Uh… so yeah. We packed up. Got most of my stuff sorted out, and figured out an outfit for the next day. I think here was where we watched otgw, actually. But yeah! Uh…

I don’t really remember much more, except hugging each other and crying. And remembering that soon I would be apart from her and feeling a deep, yawning sense of loss. And a longing to graduate so I can join her up north.

I tried to go to sleep with her, but I failed. I ended up closing my eyes for a little while, then stealing the 8.5x11 boarding pass I printed and gave to her (we each got one of the boarding passes, and one of the like. Ticket printed things? Of when I went up there. Even), and wrote her a letter on it with my/her fountain pen. I don’t remember much of what it said, beyond that I loved her in a way I never thought possible.

Went to the airport. Cried a little bit on the way there. Focused more on keeping intact for both of our sakes, since we were going on the Frightening route to the airport. I started to break down as I started getting close, thugh. Cried into her arms a little more as I got out of the car and left her behind for another few months. God,  Ihate it so much.

Writing these journals this far after the fact is bad both because I don’t remember as much, and also because I start missing her all over again. :C:C:C:C:C

But uh… yeah,  Ithink that’s it. Became emotionally dead as I went through the airport. Had to rush to make my first flight. Cuz… wanted to spend as much time as possible with my beautiful girlfriend before we had to go to the accursed birds’ nest. The TSA saw me as a girl. That was cool, but then they patted me down real fuckin thoroughly. Ate a biscuit after getting through. Basically slept through the rest of the thing.

Only started crying again once I got home.

Alright. We’re done here I think. I know I forgot a lot and that *hurts* me, but it’ll be alright. Honk.

These journals will likely get less detailed as time goes on. But as their number is yet small I think it’s okay.

[truthfulrebellion-blog]

Hysterectomy

Let’s call it what it is. No pussy footing around it. A necessary evil on the way to the end game: phalloplasty. I had been waiting almost six months to hear back about my approval for phalloplasty. I currently have health insurance through Kaiser Permanente, and they had a laundry list of things for me to do in order to present my file to the medical board. I had to transfer my files over from the organization I was seeking healthcare through, as it was cheaper than paying out of pocket for an endocrinologist, to Kaiser. I also had to obtain letters from two medical professionals confirming my need for bottom surgery. The whole process took nearly a year and several trips to medical facilities nearly thirty miles away from my home. My case manager finally called and said in order for the final review to occur, I had to get a hysterectomy.

At the time, I thought that was done by the surgeon performing the phalloplasty at the time of the phalloplasty. With Kaiser, that is not the case. They want anything and everything they have the capability of doing done within their facility. Likely to keep costs down. I didn’t mind. My hysterectomy was scheduled for December 15th, 2018. I had to get blood tests done and watch several videos that didn��t pertain to my situation regarding the procedure. The videos are, obviously, geared towards women. I did what I needed to do and prepared myself for the surgery date. I got a call to move my surgery up about 10 days, even better. Then not 24 hours before the surgery, I received a call stating that it was being delayed for a week. My new date was the 11th. This was terribly inconvenient as my care giver for after my surgery had already taken off work for the original surgery date.

I walked into the facility to check in about an hour early. I had yet another interesting surprise. The surgery was going to cost me money. $475, or close to it. Luckily, I had the money. I was very upset that I wasn’t told about this ahead of time, however. I am paying for the most expensive coverage this company offers so I had as little to pay out of pocket as possible. In the grand scheme of things, $475 is better than $10k. It still would have been nice to know before I showed up. If you have Kaiser, please make sure you know exactly what the costs are before you walk in the door.

I got checked in. I had to remove all of my clothing, put on a hospital gown & surgery cap, and take one final per break. I also forgot to mention I had to stop eating at midnight the day of and wipe my body down with these pre-surgery wipes. I was hungry and my skin smelled weird. They hooked up my IV, fed me my “lunch”, and several doctors came in to ask me questions and verify information. My surgery was supposed to occur at 3pm, but was delayed until closer to 5/530. My surgeon came in to make sure I knew what was about to take place. He also talked to me about a surgeon for bottom surgery in Arizona or New Mexico he was going to refer me to. He had given me the name in our prior consultation. When I looked that surgeon up, I was horrified. The man was fired from the California region Kaiser Permanente for botching transwomens vaginoplasties. The guy didn’t even specialize in phalloplasty. I expressed these concerns to him and told him it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to partner with him for any trans surgeries. Hopefully he heeds my advice. He confirmed that after the surgery, he would stick to the decision to refer me to Dr. Jens Berli of Portland, OR.

I knew nothing of Dr. Berli. There are no results to been seen online, barely anyone who has undergone his procedure even talks about their results, and I couldn’t find any other information besides his starting point in Maryland. I found his Facebook page and did some pretty intense research on him. He seems to genuinely care about his patients and has a passion for what he does. His only negative review is from someone who never had surgery with him because of a communication issue with his staff. Everyone else gave him five stars. So, I figured why the hell not. Hopefully my progress will help others who may be going to Dr. Berli for their phalloplasty be more comfortable with moving forward with him or the surgery itself. I am flying as blind in this moment as some of those who might read this in the future might feel. Trust me. I feel your pain.

I finally went in for my surgery. This time I wasn’t put under until I was on the surgery table. For my top surgery, I was out before I turned the corner on the way to the operating room. The next thing I remember is waking up several hours later and in pain. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was very disoriented. I’m not surprised considering I was on anesthesia. Apparently I wasn’t breathing enough either since my O2 alarm kept going off. I had to stay for an extra hour until I could get my breathing going regularly. Which is hard because I believe I have sleep apnea, and when I sleep I breathe much slower than I do when I’m awake. So I would fall back asleep, stop breathing, and be woken up by the nurses to get me to breathe. I didn’t feel any different than I usually do. I was actually quite comfy. But I’m sure it was uncomfortable for others around me to see me breathe 1-2 times a minute while asleep.

I was in so much pain. The pain meds hadn’t kicked in yet. I had had a total hysterectomy, oophorectomy, and partial vaginectomy. Let me tell you. When your genitals are covered in stitches, sitting fucking hurts. I couldn’t get comfortable. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Lord, that was an adventure in of itself. Once I was done, I had to have the nurse help me pull my maternity disposable underwear and extra absorbent pad on. And to help me get dressed. The was a humbling experience. But those disposable underwear are comfortable AF. I wish I had had more of them. I was only sent home with the 1 extra pair. After I got dressed, they sent my care giver to get the car. They sat me in a wheel chair and wheeled me to the pick up area. Wheel chairs are super uncomfortable. I begged the nurse to let me sit on the plushy waiting area seat, but she told me no. I couldn’t wait to get out of that chair. It hurt so bad.

I’ll spare additional details about the trip home. I was basically in pain in the seat, it took over an hour to get home, and I got right in the couch seat I’d be in for the next week and fell asleep. I had to wake up every 1-2 hours to pee and every 4 hours to take my pain meds. Compared to my chest surgery, the pain of the hysterectomy actually wasn’t too bad. I barely needed any medicine. The worst pain came when I peed. It burned like the surface of the sun, and I could barely get the urine out. This lasted for about 2-3 days. I was bleeding pretty regularly for 1-2 weeks and spotting until the 6th week. I had horrible colored discharge the entire recovery. I actually had to go get adult diapers when my last pair of those comfy underwear got worn out. I couldn’t find any of those huge puffy pads or anything without adhesive.

I think the worst part was not being able to poop. I could feel the poop in my back. I really could. But I could not get my bowels to work. Apparently, this is normal. I ended up pooping on day 5. Best advice? Take stool softeners religiously. I would go so far as to say take a laxative on day 3 or 4 because that poop is going to be quite solid. TMI alert, my first poop after surgery tore a little bit of the inside. Like a hemorrhoid. I’m getting into these details because I wish I had had them. It’s not rainbows and butterflies. It’s bleeding and inability to poop. I also could barely sleep as I had to sleep on my back, and I can’t sleep on my back. I get so unfortable. By day 3 I was sleeping on my side on the other couch. I’m also a bigger guy, so I had to hold my stomach when I got up since there was a lot of pain from my belly hanging. I’m not 300+ pounds or anything, but I do have a beer belly. If you are the same, just be prepared for tummy pain when getting up.

I slept on the couch for 3 weeks. It was so much more comfortable than my bed. And it was easy access to everything. I am almost 8 weeks post op and still get tummy pain. But for the most part, pain and blood free. I do still have discharge coming out. I’ll probably continue to wear the diapers until I run out just in case. I had already ruined a pair of pants when I thought the discharge was done. But after about 7-10 days, I was walking around and driving and doing what I needed to do. It was uncomfortable to sit and bend over, so my roommate had to help with a lot of things. My final observation is to leave the scabs alone. I accidentally picked at my belly scab and one of the dissolvable stitches came loose from my incision. I had that stitch hanging out for at least 2 weeks until it finally dissolved at the base and popped off. My scars look great and my hair has finally grown back on my stomach.

I’m doing all of this well after my surgery, so I am sure I have missed a thing or two. If you have any questions, please give me a comment or a message. I will answer anything.

[maedhros-nelyafinwe]

This turned out longer than I intended. I’m in a rambling mood and my sleep has been especially shitty for the past month. I don’t sleep the best to begin with, but every so often it just hits the fan and this has been for an extended period and I’m just exhausted.

I finally think I made headway in my sleep research. I keep forgetting to call the psych, who my gp said I should talk to him about it last month lol. Anyways, after doing some research into if it’s just adhd (which can cause insomnia) and doing my own sleep hygiene changes and hitting everything on the checklist for that, I’ve figured out that caffiene did affect me a little (my insomnia isn’t as extreme before, but I’ll test that out tomorrow for sure), it’s not fully the cause. I’m sleeping more so I’ll continue to watch when I have caffiene, but I still have problems falling asleep and staying asleep.

But instead of 3-5 hours of sleep (and a few days, 0 hours), since I cut caffiene I’m back to hitting 5-7 on average. Sooo much better, but still doesn’t address my difficulty falling asleep and general all day tiredness.

Sleep problems have plagued for as long as I can remember. I didn’t realize I had insomnia as a kid until my mom, one night somewhere around 5th or 6th grade, walked in on me reading a book around midnight, despite my bedtime around 8. Even at sleepovers, I was always the last one asleep, if I slept at all. Anyways, Mom came in and asked why I was still up and I was just like “????? reading of course????” 

Then I learned about insomnia. I was also the only middle schooler that (at least admitted to it or said anything about it) who loved taking naps. Naps were wonderful. Still are. I’ve been napping for such a long time.

Anyways. Issues sleeping. Forever. So in middle school, again, I learned meditation before I knew what it was. The ‘super guaranteed trick to make you sleep in 20 mins!’ where you start at your feet, relax the muscles, then move up your body, mentally making your muscles to relax and learning to still my ever racing thoughts in it. It helped for sure. Suddenly I could sleep for more than a few hours (that was adhd helping keep me awake, the racing thoughts and mind). But I was still always tired.

Mornings were (and are) the absolute worst. I never woke up on time, my mom had to come in and force me up. Until I realized that I had to literally throw myself out of bed the second I heard my alarm. Like, I hear it, and chuck the covers off, throw my legs over and stand up, all before I can fully open my eyes or think a single thought. It’s still a struggle to get my thoughts to work. People call my morning self ‘zombie’ me, because its legit like a zombie. My eyes are barely open, i can’t think, it’s all just muscle memory of my morning routine.

I had to learn ways to keep awake during classes, during general school and university (though the latter was easier because i planned classes accordingly. that is, not early at all lol and then I chugged coffee in the afternoon). I started drinking coffee at 12 years old and it helped a little bit for a little while, but then it stopped working and now I’m just left with a caffiene addiction lol

So that’s kind of a history. Minus the common sleep paralysis and constant nightmares (which I’ve learned to fall right back asleep through because they’re common).

I was researching the difference between adhd insomnia and sleep disorder insomnia because I’ve no doubt that was most of my problem growing up and thought maybe its still got me in its clutches despite all my trying.

So, my natural sleep schedule, when there’s no school or work, is fall asleep around 3am and wake up around 10am. When I can stick to that schedule, I actually feel rested afterwards and its easy to fall asleep. I feel the best on that schedule. Because of that, I always worked evening shifts. After high school, I worked took the latest shift, often getting off at midnight. In university, I still managed to get jobs that wouldn’t ask me to do morning shifts, all evening, with the latest letting me off at midnight again. I also tried to plan classes around this, with no classes before 930.

But now, I’m stuck at a normal hours job and it fucking sucks. I wake up at 530 am and go to bed at 830 and its so fucking rough and I’m always tired, stealing naps in my few breaks and a nap at home after school (but it’s never restful because the falling asleep issue). After almost 2 years, it’s fucking awful. Everyone around says I should adjust, or I will adjust because that’s natural, but I’ve never been able to adjust. Never.

Anyways, in my research, something just dropped and I was like ‘fuck, that sounds spot on like me’ and it’s called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder/Syndrome/Whatever. People who have this fall asleep between 1-3am and wake up somewhere around 10-Noon. They cannot adjust to another sleep pattern. So they have trouble falling asleep before that. It’s also like getting woken up in the normal feeling sleep schedule (so like being woken up to the equivalent of midnight or 1am) So they’re tired throughout the day.

This is opposed to people who like the nighttime more than daytime. Those people can switch their sleep schedule after a week or two and feel rested and sleep through the night. But with dspd, it’s fighting a losing battle and that’s cause its a problem with your internal alarm clock completely. It’s just got shifted hours. and it doesn’t want to shift to a normal time.

Anyways, if my continuing with sleep hygiene keeps going with no development on my overall tiredness, I’m likely to go in and talk to psych about that possibility.

for those who are curious, here is a list for sleep hygiene:

7-9 hours of sleep (different sources say different things): Sometimes check.

Go to bed at the same time every night, even weekends (This is also same for when you wake up): check (cause i’m already so tired on the weekends anyways).

Quiet place to sleep: Absolutely check. With Adhd, if there’s any noise, I will not sleep.

Keep bedroom dark and cool: check and check. Again, if there’s light, I will not sleep. I do keep it cool because it helps according to science, tho it doesn’t feel like it.

Your bed is only used for sleep or sex: check and check. I spend no extra in the bedroom except to sleep.

No screens (phones, tvs, etc): check-ish. I have an e-reader but it’s on night mode. so no blue light, very dim lighting, and black background.

Follow a bedtime routine: check. I don’t play video game an hour before, I stay off the computer, and I mindlessly zone out in front of the tv or do mindless apps on my phone, then at 830, i brush my teeth, take some heartburn medicine, go upstairs, and read until i can fall asleep.

Limit daytime naps: check. I ain’t got time to nap.

No caffiene after the afternoon: recently check. I’ll keep this test going to see if its an effect for me.

Exercise: lol no

That’s about what’s the same for every place that mentions sleep hygiene. I do almost every single one of these and still just ugh. Hence why I think it’s more.

I also forgot to mention that with dspd, when given the chance, its a very quick reversion back to the natural sleep wake times, which is also true. I have to be careful not to mess up what progress i have made, though i sincerely want to

[partyoffourplusfur]

I 100% over did it today.

I feel like my body is shutting down on me. I can barely keep my eyes open to write this. But I need to. So I can remember it's okay to not do everything.

I slept like shit last night. Went to bed at 11 and couldn't get comfortable for the life of me. Was up till near 1140 tossing and turning. I desperately wanted to sleep on my stomach and I obviously can't do that anymore. Nothing was comfortable. I had to find my lellow, find a small pillow to place under my stomach, and jam our comforter between my legs so my hips were parallel to each other. Miserable.

Then June woke up at 12:20am because some asshole rode his motorcycle down our street loud as hell. At 230am she woke up again from a bad dream. Both times I only needed to go in a comfort her and she went back to sleep but it took me a good 30 minutes to fall back asleep each time. Then at 330am her monitor started going off because it got unplugged and was dying. At 530 am Bradley wanted to be let outside. At 6am Tavos phone alarm went off. And I woke up at 7 and started my day. WORST SLEEP IVE HAD IN AGES. (Better get used to it, am I right?)

Then I had to take Olive to the vet at 9 am with June in tow. That went decent, June wouldn't really sit still but she was concerned about Olive which was cute. My stomach was tight and sore and I wanted to go home and lay down. Got home and rested with Olive for a bit to make sure she was alright.

And essentially since 11 I have been cleaning our bedroom and bathroom SPOTLESS. I rearranged our bedroom. I did 4 loads of laundry. I half ass picked up Junipers room and put things where they go. I didn't sit back down till like 520 and even then, it was for 10 minutes and then I had to get up and get something made for Juniper to eat.

I should've napped when June had her nap and I KNEW IT. But I wanted our areas to be clean when Jesus got home so he had nothing to complain about and would be happy since he seemed in a crummy mood earlier today (thanks vet bill) not to mention I might be getting called in to go into work this weekend and I don't want to have to be cleaning on top of working too. (another reason I should've taken the damn nap)

I have ALL the regrets. I'm so exhausted and my body is making me fully aware of it. My tummy is tight and sore. My feet are throbbing and feel puffy. My arms and legs hurt. The baby is going bonkers in my belly. My head hurts. My eyeballs hurt. I'm worn down.

Moral of the story. It's okay to not do everything. It's okay to take breaks. It's okay to limit yourself. You're not super woman, Brianna. I need to listen to myself more. Let this be a lesson. Cut yourself some slack.

Oh yeah and I have two more loads of laundry in the machines right now 🙄🙄🙄🙄

[mariecheco]

22 hours in Atlanta

I left for the airport at 1pm, was in the terminal at 2, and on the plane at 3. Spirit flight left on time, arrived on time. i love to travel, i know by know that every time you get on a plane you are rolling the dice. Will TSA be backed up, will they want to check your bag, will there be traffic to the airport, will they leave late, or will the flight be completely cancelled. Things were coming together nicely. Blessings received. I wanted more then anything to be at the venue before doors. Landed at 530, that wasn’t looking like an option. I had to travel to my hotel because the venue didn’t have bag check. I wasn’t even originally going to get a hotel, i just wanted to see the show then maybe hang at the airport for a flight that leaves at 4am. People at work convinced me not to. I realize now that I can do this because they have suites at the airport, so a sit in is totally welcome. Next time. 

There is no real way to prepare for what happens step by step after you get off the plane. I don’t know Atlanta’s airport. I dont know anyone that does. I had to figure out how to get to the show as early as possible and navigate Atlanta notorious traffic. I got off the plane and spun around, which way to run, terminal hop? Take a taxi or metro? Whatever jumps out first. It was the metro. It was so easy to manage you could have easily stumbled upon it. All trains from the airport head one direction. The direction you are going probably, north. And there was a train waiting. Yes! It’s was affordable, faster than driving, and guess what: $2.50. I ordered food at my hotel restaurant on the train, something with Georgia in the name. And arrived at 630. The hotel gave me complementary breakfast because they had to change my room around. Hell yes. The hotel had a free drink tasting in the lobby: a martini that tasted like shrimp cocktail sauce. I sipped on it while they grabbed my food. i regret not eating the green olive. The room was very nice. I wish i could always stay at Hiltons. It feels so good in their rooms. I joined their rewards program. It’s not affordable if you are fronting the bill and going on long trips. Maybe one day. The food was amazing. salmon, greens, and corn bread. I called my ride while I was eating and then waited outside for one minute. It was dark and 66 degrees out. There is no better feeling then the summer warmth in a cold Midwest season. Ever travel to Florida in the dead of winter? You know what i mean then. I believe i will be in Florida soon. Maybe my birthday. I have a fantasy of flying to Florida buying a guitar then returning it before i go back. I’ll probably stay home and record music that week. My favorite thing to do and the hardest thing to do: stay home.

I got to the venue at 715. 45 minutes later then i wanted. I asked someone in the front row stage right if he was saving a spot for someone. He gave me a disgruntled yes. There is a nice way to talk to people and a rude way to talk to people. I walked away and accepted second row center stage. The kind people that had been waiting since 5pm said they would make room for me when the time came. Front stage center. From detrioit. Flying spirit.

I packed only a book bag. It felt amazing to fly threw the airport with only a book bag. So used to the heavy suitcase. My dickies backpack did great for the 22 hour visit. 

I talked to the kind people around me and enjoyed their southern accents. Front row center people are the best people. They were men and i noticed how easy it was for me to talk to them. There were two girls standing next to me and i didn’t say a word to. I have messed up reasons on why i think men want to talk to me. Working with Dr. Aziz I’m trying to reset my mind: talking to strangers is not always about sex. We are all people. People don't want to feel alone. Your presence is more then sex. You’re energy means something. Being there adds something. Truely. Isn’t it sad that I’m just learning that now? And not every girl is going to bite your head off. Don’t know how long it will take me to learn that lesson. I would love to have more girl friends. No pun intended. 

Chelsea played a heavy looking Taylor acoustic that had a very tight grain and solid feel. The sound hole was blocked by a black cover. It looked like she barely touched the strings, but the resonated loud and clear. I love Chelsea Wolfe and this was the 5th time I’ve seen her, each time is completely different. I feel like my heart has hardened because I’ve been so turned off by acoustic music lately. Maybe she cracked it. 

I made it back to my hotel exhausted. But couldn’t sleep. I messed with the temperature. Then slept an hour and woke up sweating. Then was up the rest of the night. Round 4 am i just embraced it and started making coffee and writing this. At least ‘id get to enjoy this nice hotel room. Around 5am i went downstairs looking for drip coffee. They didn’t start serving it till 6am. Then went back to my room and showered. At 645 i checked out and sat down for the breakfast. It was freaking incredible. I had their party food: cheese and meats. Then they had fried chicken and biscuit, something that was like sunny side up egg ham cheese and bread, and a slice of flat bread with a fruit parfait. It was the best breakfast I’ve ever had. Cranberry juice. I scarfed as much down as i could. Like a king. I hit the road and took the train to the airport. Once again hella happy with the metro service. It was the shit. I was a little nervous because it was about 30mins till boarding. TSA took about 10 minutes and I got to my gate right as they started boarding. That’s cutting it a little close. I decided that i wanted to get TSA pre-check at that point. This has been a hell of a year. Cali in feb, NYC in April, Cali in August; Portland in October, Boston/Maine in October, Atlanta in November. That’s 13 flights. I’ve also driven to Chicago, up north, and Pittsburg as well. 

There is this little boy, i would say 2 years old, looking at me from the seat diagonal with literally the biggest grin I’ve ever seen. He is adorable.  There is nothing cuter then a small child using an adult armrest. So adorable. Honestly this one of the highlights of my trip. Being around such radiant joy is incredible. 

[reynoldslevi10-blog]

Kelly Ripa's Workout Routine Is Shockingly Difficult

If you're as deeply invested in ABC's Live! talk-show franchise as I am, you know a few things to be fact: 9 a.m. EST is the best time of morning, Josh Groban would have made an excellent co-host, the coolest way to win a vacation is by answering random trivia questions on the phone, and Kelly Ripa? She might love working out more than anyone else on the planet.

People are downright obsessed with her appreciation and dedication to fitness - considering the fact that she reportedly trains five hours a week, has three kids, and runs a hugely successful national daytime talk show, I get it. As an exercise and endorphins enthusiast, I've long admired her stamina and commitment. So when I got the scoop on her go-to workout, AKT in Motion, and found one studio, conveniently located in my neighborhood...

I had to give it a shot.

Founded by Ripa's personal trainer Anna Kaiser, the method, which is available in New York City, East Hampton, and Connecticut, combines choreographed dance and functional training like circuit work, body strength exercises, and band work. It was created to bridge the gap between boutique studios that commonly only offer one type of workout (think yoga, cycling, or barre) and the gym, where you can focus on weight training, core work, etc.

RELATED: 7 Moves to Tighten Your Core From Celebrity Trainer Anna Kaiser

"She [Ripa] is extremely busy and AKT is super efficient as well as effective and crazy fun," Kaiser tells me. "We have such a blast together and she can get everything she needs, strength, cardio, power, stretching, in one place, instead of running to different boutique studios trying to fit it all in. Plus, the music is everything. We are both obsessed with finding the best music. It really drives the workout."

The class, which is either 45 minutes or one full hour, is offered in four different formats to hit all the tiers of fitness. The first time Ripa tried it, Kaiser told me she was so exhausted that she went home and slept for two straight hours.

Clearly, things have gotten easier, as Ripa works out with Kaiser four to five times a week. To get the full Ripped with Ripa experience, I put all four class formats to the test, plus a mixer class that incorporates small portions of every format.

Before I get into the breakdown of the classes, you should know that Kaiser choreographs every single class offering herself, so anyone that pops into a studio (AKA, me!) is getting the same exact workout her celebrity clients. While Kelly Ripa will do all of these classes in one week, life responsibilities got in my way, so I carried them over to a week-and-a-half.

RELATED: 7 Easy Ways to Deal with Stress

Class #1: AKT Dance

The first class I tested out was AKT Dance, which is a 60-minute choreographed cardio dance class. The class content, regardless of the format, stays the same for three weeks, so clients are able to physically feel and even see their progress. Unfortunately for me, I rolled into this class on the very last day it was being offered, which means everyone else in my class knew the dance and I was just running around a studio looking like a chicken with her head cut off. Regardless, I was drenched in sweat, I could barely move the next day, and the instructor was incredibly encouraging despite my lack of coordination.

Class #2: AKT Bands

Next, I moved onto AKT Bands, which utilized high-powered cardio moves and resistance bands hung from overhead bars. This was by far my favorite. Thanks to repetitive small movements with medium resistance, the class left my tiniest, hard-to-target muscles (like my triceps and my inner thighs) incredibly sore.

RELATED: Here's Why Working Out While Wearing a Full Face of Makeup Is a Really Bad Idea

Class #3: AKT Tone

The next day, I stopped by AKT Tone, which was more of a barre-based class, with non-impact, toning exercises. I got in a damn good workout, but I wasn't that sweaty, so I skipped the shower and went straight to brunch.

Class #4: AKT Circuit

Kaiser says that Ripa finds the most challenging class to be AKT Circuit, which uses cardio moves and weighted props. It's Kaiser's take on traditional circuit training. Personally, I thought that AKT Dance was much harder, but I definitely don't have as much rhythm as Ripa. I actually like lifting weights, so I love that this class taught me some easy moves to do with dumbbells at the gym.

Class #5: AKT Mixer

Finally, I got to the AKT Mixer, which I loved because it incorporated a little bit of everything - AKA I only had to dance for about 15 minutes. I targeted tiny muscles, got in a solid cardio workout, and even lifted some weights. It was truly a full-body workout. Getting up at 6 a.m. was tough, but the high-energy playlist helped me through even the hardest of sets.

After completing all of Kaiser's badass classes, I can admit that I was perhaps a bit too cocky talking into the studio. I exercised muscles that I never pay attention to. For two to three days, I couldn't even sit down on my office swivel chair without wincing and letting out an "ouch" under my breath. I got the fulfillment of working out with other people, a caring instructor that corrected me in my motions, and hardcore weight training in just one studio.

I know that practice makes any type of workout easier, and Ripa has been conquering Kaiser's method for 10 straight years. Maybe if I give it another 530 weeks, I'll be on her level. Maybe.

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[pbandjesse]

I have gotten my first shot of the 2 part vaccine!! Unfortunately I am in a lot of pain!! And I came home from work and slept for 2 hours. I am hoping that I dont feel worse tomorrow, but it will be alright. I am having James wake me up at 7 to decide if I feel alright enough to go to work. 

I probably shouldnt have gone in today. I was a little more short and irritated with everyone then I like to be. But I tried my best to be cheery. Because it was still a really good day. 

I slept alright last night. I woke up very nervous still but I got up and got dressed and I had huge main character energy today. Like I just felt great.I had my breakfast and made sure I had my backpack ready to go. I was going to come home and change but just in case I brought my work shirt with me. And after a hug and a kiss from James I was out on my bike for the first time in a long time. 

It was beautiful and warm out today. I was in a crop top outside in the sun and it was great. And I had a really nice bike ride. I was a little nervous but it was honestly fine and I hope I can bike more because it was really a good time. 

I had my appointment at 10, but James said to be 15 minutes early. Which lead to being a half hour early. But it was alright. I was overheated from the bike ride and being nervous. So it gave me a little time to try to cool off. 

The whole thing was really easy honestly. There wasnt any lines, which had been a concern of mine. I was surprised by the lack of a temp check. I was all ready to be told to go cool off before I could come in. But they just took my id and checked me in. First question was am I comfortable with a tablet. Yes. So I was sent to line B. 

I filled out the questionnaire on the tablet. Only had to ask a worker one clarifying question because I technically have an epipen, even if Ive never used it before. 

Then I was sent to wait for a minute until a nurse table opened. They had a very good flag system that I appreciated. And my nurse was so nice! We chit chatted a little while she filled out my forms. James accidently put Jesse Lentz as my name again when he filled out the appointment for me. Which thankfully I always fill in as an alias when I fill out medical and government forms, but on my vaccine card she wrote "Jessica (Jesse)" just so there wouldnt be any issues. Hopefully. 

The actual shot was fine. I decided not to watch it happen. I had her do it in my left arm, and it went near my shoulder. Which was higher than I thought they put it. But it was only a poke and then it was all done. It wasnt even as bad as like when I used to take enbrel. She gave me a sticky note for the women in charge of monitoring us to write the time Im allowed to leave. And then she made my second dose appointment. For April Fools day!! 

I only had to wait 15 minutes. I had music to listen to and I brought my knitting. I half felt like everyone was watching me knit and like I said I had huge Main Character Energy today. So I wasnt self conscious, just aware. The time went quick. So the next step was to get my card double checked. 

The person who checked my card also had big MCE. Cool hat, cool clothes, many arty tattoos. They said my card was good and I was like its on april fools! And they were like, Jokes on you!! And then got all red and were like why did I say that?? It was very funny. 

As I was leaving I saw they had a snack table and there were chips and I was very excited that I could make my joke. Because some people apparently believe the vaccine will give you a tracking chip. So being able to take a picture that says I got the vaccine and chips was to good to pass up. 

I biked down the street and decided to stop and rest for a few minutes. Text work and a few people to just check in and give updates. But I knew I needed to head home, get something to eat, and change to go to work. I was feeling really good. 

It was a good bike ride. An old lady made a comment to me about how she couldnt imagine biking that just made me laugh. And then I saw Mr Will in his car. He honked and waved. 

I got my bike inside and James was excited I got to come home for a little. Just long enough to eat and catch my breath. 

I had leftover pasta. Put on my work shirt. And off I went. 

Work was alright. Like I said I was good and happy. But the fatigue started and the kids were being particularly irky. Lying about having class. Screaming at eachother over nothing. It was just a bit exhausting. But there were nice parts. I made beaded bracelets and necklaces. I made a choker that doubles as a bracelet. That was fun. 

When we went down to the gym for the afternoon once the group got smaller they made themselves an obstacle course and then played duck duck goose and a version of marco polo. I ran around for a round of that but my foot was hurting and I was tired after that run. So I chilled for a bit. 

Eventually we were down to 4 kids. So we went upstairs to finish the movie from yesterday. I cleaned the classroom. Sat on the floor with the kids. I was honestly really tired. I was almost having trouble keeping my eyes open. But thankfully at 530 we had our last pick up. And I got to go home. 

James had ordered us dinner. And it came not long after I came home. Which was good. I had a snack while I waited. The sun in the apartment was so pretty. 

Dinner was nice but I was sort of losing it. My foot was hurting. My arm that got the injection was hurting and would only get worse as the night went on. So around 615 I went and laid down in the studio. 

I slept for almost 2 hours. And I woke up in more pain and just miserable. I can barely stand on my stupid foot. I cant lift my arm up. I was dehydrated and so upset. James made me toast and got me some water and I sat in the dungeon and played a little animal crossing. Eventually I shook off the big sad parts. But I still dont feel great. I got a shower and it helped a little. But I still dont feel good. 

I really hope I can shake it tonight and be okay for work tomorrow. But well just have to see. 

So goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves. I hope you can all get the vaccine soon!!

[pbandjesse]

I find it really frustrating that I can not fall asleep at night and then I am not awake and happy until like 4 pm. Its frustrating. And like. If I had a scheduled job like James, that went from 2 til 10. I honestly think I would enjoy that. Because at least Im awake for most of that time and maybe it would knock me out after. I miss my afternoon job. I miss overnights. I hope as the world opens up again I can find something like that again. 

Today wasnt all bad. But I was so tired. Its that kind of tired where I can barely see straight. Its not fun. James woke me up like I asked. And I got a shower and washed the leftover dye out of my hair. I wore my new dress and I felt very cute. I got on animal crossing for a little but after I completed the little tasks I had I just sat on the couch and watched videos. I had a donut.  And we hung out for a while. 

But I was. Very tired. He decided around 11 to start getting ready for a bike ride. And I told him I felt like a drain on our family and he tried to make me feel like I wasnt. Because he really doesnt feel like I am. But its hard. Capitalism has tainted my self worth. But it is nice to hear him tell me that its okay. 

So while he biked I stopped fighting myself and slept. But I slept a lot longer than I expected to. I asked James to wake me up when he got back but I honestly dont know when he got back. Because he did come wake me up but I think I fell back asleep? Unclear. I wandered out around 130 and he was making pasta and offered to make me lunch. I asked for a grilled cheese. Which was good but I have a wound on the roof of my mouth again so it hurt to eat it. 

But we sat together and ate our lunch until it was time for him to leave for work. 

I didnt really know what to do with myself. James suggested working on stuff for me and Jess's store because he can tell I feel better when I am making that stuff. And its true. But it was hard to like. Get started. I also knew I had to go to the grocery store and get white vinegar and quarters. And I thought I would try to find a jean jacket to paint or bead. 

So I psyched myself up and headed out. I decided to drive to the thrift store fire. And I didnt have amazing luck, but I did find a pretty good jean jacket. It smelled weird though so I put it in the laundry when I got home. And I got a pair of sweatpants and a sweater for James. I saw there was a Lidel across the street and I had heard it was a nice grocery store so I decided to try it out. 

I would say. Mixed results. It was very pretty inside. Kind of a fancier Aldi. A really nice baked good section. I did get vinegar. And they had bundles of dried lavender so I got one of those for the car. Which I dropped all over the self check out and made the security guard laugh at me. Oops. 

Since I did not get the quarters (or soda) I needed. I put in the grocery store by Hampden and headed there. I was like a half hour away. Which was a little surprising. But that was okay. I had a nice drive. 

When I got there I decided I would order chipotle because it was in the same shopping center. And when I logged into my account I found I had a free entree! Excellent. So I got free chipotle for dinner. And I got my quarters and soda and was in a very good mood. 

I walked across the street and grabbed my food. The manager there was really nice. And then it was time to go home. 

I got back here and unpack a few things. Had my chipotle, which was very good. As I finished eating I felt a little mad because I actually felt good. Like perfectly awake and happy. And it was 530 pm. It was just. Frustrating. But I decided to go with it. 

I cleaned. I tried to run the dishwasher and found the start button isnt working? So I washed everything by hand. James says he'll look into it and if we cant figure it out well ask Mr Will.  

But I vacuumed and got to work on some shop stuff. I photographed all the little things. And a tote bag. And since I was doing all the frog plushes I decided. What the hell. Ill post it on my frog instagram. I havent posted on there since June but I still have 3000 followers. So what the hell. 

And I am so glad I did. Because within an hour I had 300 likes on the first post and nice comments excited I was coming back and that the froggies were going to be for sale finally. And that gave me so much joy that people were excited so I got some inspiration for more froggie based things. Like making patches on the totebags. And so I worked for a couple hours making some of those. I am really excited. We already have like 30 followers on the new instagram. I am just really excited that other people are excited. It gives me something to work for. 

I worked on those frogs for a while. And then went to get the mail. My new velvet body suit came. The one fits great. The other is fine but was a surprise thong. Still will be good under a sweater which is the whole point of the body suits. 

I took a quick shower and now I am on the couch looking at creepy videos and thinking about making hot chocolate. I hope James comes home early. He has off tomorrow and I hope I can just feel normal like I do right now. 

Goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves. 

[pbandjesse]

My allergies are going crazy and I’m pretty miserable right now. But I am in the hotel my parents are with. Which is pretty cool. I didn’t realize that last night would be my last night in my apartment. But I’m excited. I can’t believe I’m moving. I slept really well last night. When I woke up though I felt really bad. I almost feel like I’m getting a cold. But I’m almost positive I just have allergies. I feel really beat up. But I stretched it out and I felt a little better. I washed my hair and had breakfast. Texted mom and they were on their way to my place. Dad got to work on spakling and taking the bed apart. Mom cleaned. And I went to do laundry. We did a lot of cleaning and a lot of organizing. Poking around. Cleaning. More packing. I honestly can’t explain more because that’s all we did. And it was pretty exhausting. We finished up though. I put away the clothes. Dad finished taking the bed apart. Mom finished cleaning. I got a call from one of the jobs I applied for and they loved me and wanted me to,come in for an interview next week And I’m so excited. I can’t wait. We went to mcad to drop off the tools. Then to bad waitress for lunch. Dad complained a little because they don’t have wait staff but the food was good. We ran into Frenchy and talked for a bit. Gave her hugs goodbye. And then we were off again. We went back to mcad to look at the sculpture garden. Walked around the campus. And then called a lyft. It was running a little late but that was okay. We sat and enjoyed the weather. I got dropped off at home. And laid down on my bare mattress on the floor. Watched a little tv. Rested. Niky came and got me around 530. And we went to the French medow for a snack. She gave me a gift of a moth pin she designed as a going away present. And we had good food and conversation. But my allergies were terrible and so I was a bit froggy the whole time. I was sad to go but getting tired. She took me home and I went and cuddled my cat. Grabbed my bags and I was off again. Mom and dad were at a diner so I went to meet them there. Beautiful art deco building. Miserable waitress. And my food didn’t come out until my parents were almost finished their meal which made me anxious but it’s fine. And now I’m just ready to sleep. Tomorrow mom and Sweetp leave. And then we pack the truck. Its all happening so fast! Wish me luck!