#this is going to be a reoccurring joke i cant help it

[lincolnlogsnfrogs]

y'all what if the Dark Harvest head pigeon was just evil ratatouille

like it grabs zim by the antennae and makes him do shit

[ariseur]

ffvii jealousy headcanons 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

✧˖*°࿐ includes cloud strife, zack fair, sephiroth, reno, genesis rhapsodos, and angeal hewley

┊ ˚➶ notes ｡˚ 🎼

just a little something to satisfy you guys while i continue working on my requests!! already did a dmc one so might as well do a ffvii one too lol

┊ ˚➶ warnings ｡˚ 🎼

jealousy (obviously), some possessiveness, intended lowercase, like one bullet point about post-nibelheim sephiroth, just a couple of guys who love the reader??, lmk if i missed anything !! 🎀

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ 𝓒LOUD — 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

❥ cloud is the type of person who will swear up and down that he doesn’t get jealous, but truth be told, he does. however, he doesn’t recognize it as jealousy at first.

❥ although, he definitely tries to shove his feelings down once he realizes that he’s somewhat upset. cloud won’t upright and confess that he’s jealous or go up to you when he sees someone flirting with you.

❥ cloud’s pretty understanding if you needed space or if you were just talking with someone else, he’s not gonna immediately resort to his insecurity.

❥ but once it’s a reoccurring experience, or if they know what they’re doing— or worse, if they’re actively flirting with you or touching you, then he’ll definitely start to get a little jealous.

❥ instead of actively confronting you or getting up in the flirt’s face, he’ll only watch afar at first. he’ll observe the conversation, the light touches, checking to see if you look uncomfortable or not.

❥ when it begins to become too much though, cloud’ll come up to you, saying something along the lines of how he needs you or needs your help and that it’s so urgent that you have to come with him asap.

❥ if you even insinuate that he got jealous though, he’ll deny it to the moon and back and say that it never happened. he may act like he doesn’t care, but don’t let it fool you. cloud cares about you way too much to let you be slobbered over at a bar by a disrespectful dude.

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. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ 𝓩ACK — 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

❥ i feel like zack’s semi into pda? as long as he’s not around the firsts or anybody important, especially angeal, then he just can’t wait to show you off. he can’t help it, poor boy loves you too much 😭 so because of the somewhat pda, i dont see a lot of people trying to flirt with you— especially knowing that your boyfriends a SOLDIER.

❥ i dont think he’d even notice at first, too busy talking to you to even notice that theres someone who has your attention also. i cant see anybody really trying to flirt with you though, zack’s like that one small dog who keeps yapping at your feet when you get to close to its owner.

❥ zack is very vocal!! if the person interrupts your conversation, he will blatantly call them out on it. he’d narrow his eyes at them and just say, “hello, i was talking to them??” because who interrupts people like that?? plain rude!!

❥ saw this in another post and i totally agree with it, zack’ll joke and joke with underlying messages behind these said ‘jokes’ and definitely has the mindset of, “what can they offer when you have me???” he just doesn’t see how they catch your attention or why they’re talking to you while hes sitting right there??

❥ will bend over backwards just for your attention, he will pout otherwise if he doesn’t get your full undivided attention after his attempts.

❥ will probably annoy the person after you’re gone by either passive-aggressively interrogating them or ranting about how in love he is with you. he’s like the cartoons where they hold their chin in their palm with heart eyes as they look up all dreamy with a giant thought bubble that’s just you. he can’t help it, he just loves you too much (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞!!1!1!

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. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ 𝓢EPHIROTH — 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

❥ for pre nibelheim (because i miss soft and not crazy sephiroth), i cant see him getting all that much jealous? i guess he’d get more so protective if he sees someone all up on you— but otherwise, he’s pretty laid back about it. he puts a lot of his faith in you entrusting that you won’t break it, so i cant see him going crazy over it.

❥ i think sephiroth’s mature enough to not cause a scene even if he was jealous, though. he wouldn’t be petty or actively try to keep you away from anybody pre nibelheim, although he finds it amusing how they try to flirt with you.

❥ he especially has to have trust in you considering he’s a first class!! unless you are also a SOLDIER or you’re associated with shinra, you guys will spend semi-large gaps of times apart. he doesn’t think you’d betray him like that though, he’s mature enough to have a conversation if he’s really worried.

❥ sephiroth has his moments of insecurity, but usually when he’s off duty— he’ll be with you. i’m just imagining sitting at a bar with sephiroth as he’s literally right beside you while this persons trying to slide up next to you lol. i also don’t think sephiroth gets jealous because he knows his worth and know he can be intimidating when he wants to be!! even just his teasing makes people quiver in their fuckin boots lmao. i doubt anybody would wanna mess with a first class SOLDIER who’s fit and over 5’11” / 180cm.

❥ after they either get intimidated or realize their advances aren’t working and that you’re happily in a relationship with sephiroth and leave, he’ll chuckle to himself as he thinks aloud about how silly it was to even attempt to get with you, knowing who you’re with. on the off chance that he’s feeling a little possessive or something, he’s not one for pda but he might just give you a kiss after they leave and a quick murmur of amusement due to their foolishness.

❥ now!! post-nibelheim!! you’re not even gonna be out of his sight enough to be hit on considering he’s kinda like.. a war criminal in a sense 😭. he’s much more possessive in his little silly criminally existentially crisis insane arc, never letting you leave alone or even go out in public that often. he’s much more obsessed with you after his break, so if he finds someone even making advances on you?? ooh, boy.

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. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ 𝓡ENO — 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

❥ reno is one weird little dude, let me tell you that. every time i think of reno, i think of a cat. with a suit. suit cat.

❥ reno does get jealous a lot of the time, even if he is usually all up on you anyways. he still is a turk and also has to spend some time away from you, leading to overlapping thoughts of you while he’s away, maybe not even just possessive but also about if something happened to you. nothing could cure these thoughts better than a little phone sex, though.

❥ i’d like to think reno’s into pda as long as he’s not at work, poor rude having to witness wet kisses on your cheek with a lazy arm slung across your shoulder ever day. so i can’t really imagine anybody trying a bunch of stuff with you when usually— reno’s not too far behind.

❥ if reno happens to be not right next to you and he’s just doing his own thing and he happens to GLANCE AT YOU? AND HE SEES SOMEONE HITTING ON YOU?? instant slide next to you.

❥ he’s petty enough to start calling you all these pet names while he’s sitting next to you, wrapping his arm around you while he’s sizing the flirt up. he’ll look them up and down with a hard stare and maybe throw some passive aggressive comments every once in a while.

❥ he’ll probably make them uncomfortable (unless they wanna square up, because knowing reno, he might just charge if the person reciprocates his belligerent comments) so by the time they already leave, reno’s already whining against you as he asks what that was all about, acting all clueless afterwards. but you can tell just from the tone that laces his voice that he knows what he’s doing lol.

❥ he’s just a petty guy, maybe not so much possessive because i mean you can go out wherever you want wearing whatever you want (maybe after a small quickie at home if it’s something revealing), he can fend for you. he swears he’s your knight in shining armor no matter how much he teases you lmfao

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. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ 𝓐NGEAL — 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

❥ now here’s the real knight in shining armor™!!!! angeal is your savior if you’re ever in an uncomfortable situation, although he doesn’t really get jealous at all— he’s just very observant of you.

❥ angeal has a whole thing about how in a relationship you must have faith and he’s very comfortable with both you and himself. he’s happy in your relationship and he is secure with himself!! if zack ever sees you two together and he’s like “(」°ロ°) 」??”, bombarding him with questions as usual, then i can just see angeal giving zack a talk on how to treat women and the gentleman way of approach— although zack is very respectful, it’s just in angeals nature to lecture.

❥ he won’t think anything of it when someone you know sits with you, you guys usually know each others relatives and friends well enough to trust them. but he’s a little iffy when a random stranger starts chatting you up.

❥ angeal obviously trusts you!! again, unless you’re a SOLDIER (which he wouldn’t prefer only because he worries about your well being), then you guys will have to spend some time apart. he has a lot of faith in you and will always write you when he’s away, letting you know he’s always thinking of you while you’re apart.

❥ if anything, he’ll save you if he notices you’re uncomfortable or something along those lines. he’ll swiftly say he needs your for something and apologizes to the person out of courtesy that he interrupted your guys’ conversation, but oh it’s so urgent, we must retreat!! and i must hold you hand in hand while we run off and do totally boring SOLDIER duties!!

❥ omfg then he pulls you aside and asks if you’re okay and ugh i just want him so bad. like sephiroth, he’ll also explain how foolish it was to even hit on you when you’re clearly happily in a relationship with him. you two’ll walk along back to hq (?) or whatever while you talk about how odd the encounter was.

❥ so in conclusion !! angeal is a gentleman and doesn’t get jealous / protective unless he thinks you’re in trouble or you’re clearly uncomfortable. angeal hewley to the rescue!!!

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. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ 𝓖ENESIS — 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

❥ this dramatic bitch.

❥ genesis is so petty that he’ll probably consider the possibility that you’re flirting back? and then proceed to ignore you or leaving you off with some esoteric poetry while he tends to his duties. he is first class, after all.

❥ if he’s sitting right next to you though, and he hears that you’re not flirting with them. he’s petty enough like reno where he’ll suddenly be throwing out all these dramatic pet names and throw longing glances towards you, except he won’t even spare a glance towards the other person— simply only paying attention to you.

❥ id consider genesis a jealous person, but i do think that most of it strikes a protective instinct within him. he does understand that he’s also a first class SOLDIER meaning he’ll have to trust you, but he has way too much time on his hands to think. also like angeal where he’ll write you as much as he can— except he’ll send you mindless poems he writes or favored quotes of LOVELESS.

❥ in the case that you leave to go to the bathroom or any sort of occasion, genesis would probably scare the other person or make them feel uncomfortable as well. but when you return and they’re gone, he’ll act so clueless. all, “whatever do you mean, dearest?”

❥ another instance where i don’t think anybody would try anything with you. like angeal and sephiroth, genesis is a first class SOLDIER. everybody knows these dudes are the real shit (well, mainly only sephiroths talked about, but it applies to genesis and angeal too!!) so hes all smug parading you around as he side eyes every person who gawks at you. of course he knows you’re beautiful, but your beauty is too much for these fools to comprehend. so yes, he must glare at every single of them.

❥ and yes, also like his companions, he will jeer and whine about how silly it was to try that with you when you two are alone. i can even see genesis pulling a cloud and just whisking you away claiming you need to do something and then act like nothing happened afterwards. either that, or he’ll overdo it and claim to be your angel— no in between.

[xxlynxxx]

Could’ve been Levi Ackerman x Black reader part 2.

A/N: For the sake of this story lets pretend Levi is 5′10 lol. Also smuttttt warning ;)

Levi

“Did you hear me son?” My moms voice brought me out of my thoughts that seemed to be reiterating itself. “Yeah, you’re gonna come stay in a couple weeks. got it.” I said setting the phone up so she could see me as I stirred the pasta on the stove. 

“Son,  I worry about you sometimes and you know if my sickness takes a turn i just don’t wa-”

“Mom, stop talking like that. It wont come back and i’m fine. Now tell me about your vacation.” that seemed to ease her because she started rambling on about what she did on the vacation i just sent her and my aunts on. 

My mother had lupus and some days were worse than others. The medication and lifestyle the doctor had her on seemed to be working so far, she just worried too much about getting real ill again or leaving me and my little sister Isabel behind. “Anyways, enough about that. Hows the family? You know i miss my grandson. I havent seen him in awhile, i just cant wait to see you guys. Make sure your sister is actually coming this time. You know how that girl can be with all her partying and drinking ugh she worries me that she will never settle down.” I rolled my eyes as she began to ramble on again. Erwin walked into the kitchen and mouthed ‘your mom?’ before i nodded and he backed out of the kitchen. ‘Thank God.’ My mom had a weird crush on Erwin and if she saw him i would be on the phone all night. 

“Hey mom, i gotta go. Im gonna burn the food if i dont pay attention. I will make sure Isabel is there. Alright?”

“Okay, call me tomorrow Levi. I mean it! I love you my handsome boy, i cant wait to see you!” i quickly said my goodbyes before hanging up. 

“Dinner almost ready my handsome boy?” Erwin joked returning to the kitchen, setting plates on our dining room table. 

“Fuck off.” I rolled my eyes and took the pot off the stove taking it to the dinner table.

“So, you don’t seem so sick to me, why did you leave early today?” Erwin asked cutting off a piece of garlic bread. I shrugged. “Petra is trying to get me to move back in. Then my mom text saying she's gonna come visit so of of course she cant know that i live with you and not at home.” 

Erwin nods. “So you're stressed because now you have to act like the perfect family while your mom stays?” “yeah” I sigh starting to lose my appetite just by talking about what awaits me back home. 

“You are your moms pride and joy, i don't get why you just don't say ‘hey mom, Petra and i are separated and on our way to a divorce and by the your grandson? Yeah he’s not really mine.’ See? that’s so easy.” I roll my eyes again at Erwin. Which feels like a pretty reoccurring action. 

“Maybe its easy for you since you tell your mommy everything.” Now it was his turn to roll his eyes. “I just don't wanna stress her out, she's been through a lot this year. Plus, she's already stressed over Isabel. Just don't wanna add to it. Let alone think about Petra”

“I understand. There is something I wanted to ask you.” He says and i cock my eyebrow at him. “Now, don’t jump down my throat. I couldn't help but to notice you taking her out to lunch often. Which isn't typically Levi behavior to be so... dare i say doting?” I almost choked on my water. ‘Fuck... am i being obvious?’

“And, if you're thinking ‘damn, am i obvious?’ yes..yes you are. At least to me.” 

“Erwin i-” 

“BUT” He cuts me off wagging his finger at me with his dramatic self. “I noticed today you ignored the poor woman this morning, and then later at lunch when i let her know you wouldn't be back today she looked for a split moment like i had just shot and mutilated her dog right in front of her.”

“Okay that's a little much.” I say picking up my plate to take it to the kitchen. Erwin following behind me “So I ask my dear handsome boy. What's going on?”

I lean against the counter glaring at him, hopefully to make him uncomfortable enough that he will  fuck off. It doesn't work he just stares back smiling annoyingly wide. “and don't lie because, for a lawyer you're not good at lying when it comes to yourself.” 

“Nothings going on, I find her attractive but she works for me. So I'll just look and not touch.” Erwin slowly nods.

“Yeah so how long do you think you can keep that up for? Im all for you finding happiness especially after your divorce is final from the wicked witch of the east, but then again you do have a point. “ 

“Yeah, i think ill just die an old lonely man.” I say turning my back to him putting the leftovers in the fridge. 

“Wrong, because tonight we are gonna go out and drink like we are 21 again and maybe even meet some ladies.” He says doing a little dance. 

“I'm so good on that actually. Besides i have go to the office in the morning and finish up on the paperwork i didnt do today.” 

“Thats so funny that you think you have a choice.” He laughs obnoxiously all the way to his room. I sigh going to mine to get ready.

2 shots in and I'm kind of enjoying my time out. Erwin invites two woman to our table after buying them drinks. One of them keeps rubbing her leg up and down mine under the table. It makes me think of the other day when Ivy did it. If this was her sitting next to me doing it, i would be much more receptive. I excuse myself from the table once i feel her hand land on my thigh. “I'm gonna get a beer.” I state out loud mainly to Erwin. “I can come wi-” The one whos been touching me for the last 20 minutes responds but I'm already walking away from the table. Luckily she stays put. 

Deciding to drink my beer at the bar i pull out my phone and open up Instagram. Hange convinced me to create one a couple months ago but I didn't post any pictures. To keep from looking like a “spam account” as Hange put it, I just put a profile picture and my name. I had no use for this app until after meeting Ivy. I found her through Connie's followers. I mentally thanked Connie for making me follow him.

Fortunately her page isn't private, i felt like a creep for how many times i searched her account just to stalk her page and check if she posted any new pictures. I noticed that her profile picture had a pinkish/orange ring around it. ‘Thats interesting’ I clicked to see what would happen and saw she was out. She posted a video of a blonde girl taking a shot, the next video was of them clinking glasses, after was the last post she put. It was a selfie of her in a bar, the lights in the background looked familiar, I turned around and noticed the lights near the bathroom looked just like the ones in her picture. ‘Is she here?’ I looked back n forth between her photo and the lights behind me. 

“You good man?” Erwin came up behind me grabbing my shoulder. 

“Yeah, i just started talking to the bartender and lost track.” I Lied which he caught on to.

“They’re leaving, and they invited us back to their place. I have no problem telling them no if you're not into it.” 

“I’m definitely not into it. But you should go, have fun i dont mind.” 

“No, i was hoping you would say no, im not feeling it either. I'm just gonna walk them out to their uber and ill be back.” Erwin, always the gentleman. I made my way back to our table. Keeping a look out for Ivy. I was certain she had to still be here. The photo was posted 10 minutes ago. 

Just as i suspected she walked from the bathroom area with a blonde holding her hand leading her to a table on the other side of the room. She sat with her back away from me. She couldn't see me but i had my eyes on her. I noticed the other men watching her as she walked to her table. You had to be blind not to think this woman was beautiful. Her beautiful sandy brown skin always seemed to be glowing. She had the biggest brown eyes. Every emotion she had shown in them, her hair was a beautiful shade of auburn. Tonight her beautiful tight coils were out and free. She never wore her hair down at work. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my finger around a curl. Or maybe get a handful of it as she-

“What are you looking at?” Erwin pulled me out of my thoughts before they turned lewd. “Did you wanna go to a different bar?”

“No, lets stay.” I said a little to eager

“Okay, someone caught your eye?” Erwin sat next to me looking in the direction i had been. 

“Don't be obvious, but that's Ivy.” I said turning my back to the table she sat at. Erwin smiled and waved in that direction, catching the eye of Ivy’s friend. 

“What? that's great! I’m gonna invite them over. Go to the bar and order whatever they’re drinking.” He said getting up

“Erwin wait!″ I tried to grab for him but he was already halfway across the room.

Ivy

“Quick! How do my tits look?” I gave Hitch a thumbs and tried to keep from looking behind her at Levi. I noticed he tried to grab Erwin's arm when he was coming over here. ‘damn, he really must be trying to avoid me.’

"Hello Ivy. I thought that was you, small world.” Erwin smiled down at me.

“Hello, Mr. Smith. its nice to see you again.” I don't know why i tried to sound so formal. I immediately sobered up. 

“Ah come on Ivy, we’re out of the office. Please call me Erwin.” I nodded “And whos your lovely friend?” He asked taking Hitch’s hand kissing the back of it, which she ate right up. If there wasn't so many people in this room she would've pounced right on him by the look she was giving. 

“Hitch, but you can call me baby.” She winked at him. I rolled my eyes but, Erwin seemed find it amusing. He gave a big laugh and kissed the back of her hand again. 

“Well would you ladies like to accompany Levi and I tonight? we’ve got a section over there, its too much room for just us.” 

“Yes! “ Hitch answered before i could. She was already up and following Erwin forgetting her purse. I grabbed our things and slowly made my way over. Levi was at the bar and made his way back to the table at the same time i did. Setting down a drink for Hitch and I. She happily thanked him while I avoided eye contact and gave a quiet ‘thanks’.

“Of course.” He said taking his seat across from Hitch and Erwin leaving a spot in the booth for me right next to him. 

 Hitch giggled across from me as Erwin whispered something in her ear. I could feel Levi burning a whole in the side of my face so i pulled my phone out scrolling through Instagram. Luckily for my privacy screen he couldn't see what i was looking at if he decided to lean closer to peep. I liked a couple photos before going to my insta story to look at who viewed it. ‘Levi.Ackerman87′ viewed my story. My stomach felt like it had a whole cage of butterflies in it. Checking my following i didnt see his name on there. I glanced over at him, he was making small talk with Hitch and Erwin. Putting my phone back into my purse, I stood up. “I’m gonna use the bathroom, ill be back.” 

“Oh do you want me to go with you?” Hitch asked.

“No, I'm okay. Ill be quick.” I said before heading to the back towards the restroom. This bathroom was one of those fancy clean types that had a person inside waiting with mints and rolled up towels, luckily the person who was supposed to be in here left out as i entered. I drenched a towel in the cold water and placed it on the back off my neck to cool myself off. I took my phone out again just to double check what i saw. ‘Yup, Levi.Ackerman87′ Clicking on his profile he had no pictures, just as i expected. But his profile picture was definitely him. I held my phone close to my face to get a better view. He wasn't smiling, but a long haired seal point cat laid across his shoulder ,with its tail covering a side of his face. ‘ugh, why is he so cute with zero effort.’ If someone were to walk in i would look pretty dumb. My phone so close to my face while i smiled and giggled like an idiot to myself. I washed my hands and walked out the bathroom heading back to the table. I slowed my pace when i noticed that Levi was at the table by himself.

“Uhm, they went to get more drinks.” He said as i took my seat looking over at the bar. Hitch had her arms leaned on the countertop as Erwin stood smiling down at her. His hand placed on her hip as she giggled at something he said ‘mans cant be that funny.’ i thought. “How are you?” Levi asked bringing my attention from the view at the bar to the beautiful raven haired man sitting inches away from me. 

“I’m quite fine. How are you? I heard you were sick. Remind me to get your doctors info, he must work miracles.” I was proud of myself until i saw the slight frown on his face that he immediately replaced with his normal stoic look. 

“Yeah, i think it was just a bad migraine...needed a break.” i nodded.

“You’re right, i’m sorry. I dont think i’ve ever heard of you missing a day of work.” Embarrassed with my unusual behavior i turned my gaze to watch the other occupants around us. Levi was silent next to me, but i could feel him looking at me and then down at his hands and then back to my face.  

“I cant stop thinking about you.” He said in a faster pace than he usually talked. My heart quickened.

“What?” I said now giving him my full attention.

“I know its not ethical of me, but i cant get you out of my mind. I'm actually dreading Hange coming back because I'm not ready to let you go.” He opened his mouth like he had more to say but Hitch and Erwin's laughter killed whatever tension was in the air as they took their seats. 

 The rest of the night Levi seemed to have relaxed after his confession. That made one of us because now i was more nervous than before. I couldn't believe he would so confidently say something like that. I was used to men beating around the bush with me. Levi kept scooting closer to me throughout the night until his hand was the only thing from keeping our thighs touching. Hitch and I started our own conversation as Levi and Erwin started talking about work related things. Levi finished off his glass of whiskey as his pinky rubbed against my thigh which at first i thought was an accident until it started moving gently up and down. I tried to keep my face from showing any emotion as i listened to Hitch’s story about her class of 10th graders. I guess he took that as me enjoying it, which he wasn't wrong. His hand found its way to my thigh and he gave it a light squeeze. My face didn't react but my body sure was. My thighs squeezed together as the heat between my legs grew more intense. To make matters worse he pushed my legs apart with one hand and rubbed circles on my inner thigh. Now, I'm not tiny girl. I have curves, this mans whole hand was squeezing my full thigh like it was nothing. 

 A couple drinks later and we were heading out the doors. “Ivy, I'm gonna go home with Erwin, I would say take Levi to our place but,he doesn't seem like your type.” She giggled. Hitch wasn't wrong. Normally i would never go for guys like Levi. My typed seemed to be broken man-child’s who could never fully commit. Levi was the first older and very mature guy I'd ever had feelings for. 

“I can drive you home.” Levi said as Hitch waved from inside the uber with Erwin.

“ Are you ok to drive?” I asked following him to his car. He threw a glance at me over his shoulder as if to say ‘really bitch?’ 

“I had 4 drinks Ivy. I could probably do a backflip right now.” He said opening the passenger door for me. “Besides, i wouldn't put you in any harm.” He said looking at me as he slid into his seat. It’s not like i was drunk out of my mind. I mean i paced myself like i always do and had water in between my drinks. I just still couldnt believe that the Levi everyone tried to stay clear of and stay on his good side was talking to me like this. Besides earlier today, he had never made me feel like i was a bother. 

 Levi reached over taking me out of my thoughts ‘oh my god he’s gonna kiss me.’ I prepared myself for our first kiss, but he leaned past me and grabbed my seatbelt clicking it. “Safety first.” He smirked at me before clicking his own seatbelt and starting the car. 

Per usual Levi gave me the aux. I typed my address into his maps and, put on Lullaby by Umi and looked out the window. New York was beautiful at night. Especially this time of year when everything was decorated for Christmas. “ I meant what i said earlier.” Levi said making you look at him. God, he was fine. I studied his face, he was still looking at the road and glanced at me real quick. Tightening his grip on the wheel. “I feel like im going crazy.” He chuckled. “I’m actually losing sleep over it, you should feel bad for me.” He smiled and i laughed. 

Levi parked outside my building. I felt stupid for not telling him that i felt the same. I was losing sleep over him too. “Do you want some tea before you go home? If we’re lucky you might kill enough time to miss Erwin and Hitch.” I laughed trying to cut through the thick air in the car that appeared after his second confession. 

“Yeah i’d like that.” He said turning off the car and hopping out to come open my door before i did. He followed me up to my apartment on the second floor. “ I hope you're not allergic to dogs.” I turned to him, my back pressed against my door. 

“Allergic? no. Wary? Most definitely.” I nodded and held a finger up at him. 

“Wait here and when you hear me, come in.” He nodded as I slipped inside the door. My doberman Arlo already waiting at the door to either greet or snap at who came in. “Okay, you can come in.” I said grabbing my pup’s collar. Levi looked right and left before coming in and his eyes widened as he looked at Arlo by my side. “Come, let him smell you so he knows you’re not a threat.”

“I’m not sure i wanna do that.” Levi awkwardly laughed. 

I rolled my eyes smiling at him “ Now don’t tell me you’re scared of my little baby.”

“Tch, i wouldn’t consider him little.” Levi scoffed. “If he’s harmless than why are you holding him back?”

“Because he can smell your fear and that’s what gets him going.” I laughed at my little joke but Levi didn’t find it funny as he glared at me which only made me laugh harder. “No, i just wanted you to feel safe. See I'm in control, He listens to me.” I said letting go of Arlo’s collar telling him to stay and he did just as i said. I reached my hand out to Levi and he cautiously grabbed it. I pulled him over to us and stood us in front of Arlo. Holding Levi’s wrist in my hands as he slightly stood behind me i let Arlo sniff him. He sniffed his hand a couple times and then started to lick it. “ See! he accepts you.” I smiled at Levi, leaning down and rubbing Arlo behind his ears “such a good boy!” I praised. Levi held his hand a little away from him because it was covered in slobber. 

“Come here, you can wash your hands in the kitchen while I start the tea.” I said leading him to the kitchen sink. 

“Your apartment is very clean.” Levi said watching me take off my shoes and slip on my slippers. He took his shoes off as well and i placed them on the shoe rack near the front door. That’s something i noticed Levi and i had in common. I kept my house tidy, or at least tried to. Hitch was kind of unorganized but we managed.  

“Thank you i try. My mom would give me an ear full if my place was dirty. Growing up she instilled cleanliness in us so now i cant help but to continue the tradition.” I said placing a coaster down and putting his tea in front of him. Sitting down across from him with my own mug of peach and ginger sweetness. 

“My mom is the same way, she used to clean houses when I was a kid and would sometimes take me on big jobs with her. Its like a hobby now.” He smiled like he enjoyed a memory in his mind.

 “I didn’t know your mom used to clean homes?” Not judging but i and many people at the company assumed Levi grew up a rich kid the same way Erwin did. “I don't talk about it. I’m pretty sure none of my colleagues grew up they way i did.” He trusted me enough to let me in on that detail about his life. My heart swelled.

“Talk to me about you.” He said leaning back in his seat.

“Ugh, i hate that question. I never know what to say.” I groaned dramatically, rubbing my scalp.

“Fine lets do a game. I ask a question and then you can ask me one in return. Nothing is off limits.” I could get down with that. 

“Well ask me something specific.” He rubbed his chin thinking. 

“What’s your middle name?” Okay he’s starting off tame. 

“Rose. What’s yours?” Great question Ivy. Even though i really wanted to ask what color his di-

“Tal. How old are you?” What a beautiful name.

“That's beautiful, does it mean something? and I'm 26.” He nodded taking another sip of tea.

“ It’s Hebrew for rain dew. That’s a relief because you look like you could be 20.” He said smirking.

“I always get told that, i guess i should consider it a compliment. Do you speak Hebrew?” Now I'm gonna imagine him giving me commands in two different languages. ‘God, why is my mind always in the gutter when he’s around?’

“Its a compliment. You’ll appreciate it more when you get older, and I speak enough. I’m surprised you didn't ask me how old i am.”

“That’s because I already know your age Levi dot Ackerman 87.” I smirk at him trying to look unfazed.

“Are you stalking me?” He asked finishing off his tea and placing it into my dishwasher. ‘That shouldn’t be hot but it is.’

“Quite the contrary Levi. I think you have been stalking me.”

“How’d you find out?” Shame. I thought he was gonna deny some more.

“Come here.” I waved him over, he stands behind my seat as i open up my phone and show him how you can view whos seen your snap story. He leans down his face near mine as he looks over my shoulder as i point out his name. He scoffs and i laugh. "Now, 35 ain’t old but that was definitely an old person mistake.” I begin to laugh harder as he glares down at me a small smirk on his lips. 

 Levi joins in my laughter. After awhile we calm down staring at each other in silence. Levi pushes a curl behind my ear. “So beautiful.” He mumbles. “You make it impossible to not want you.” He says caressing my jaw. I don't even care about the consequences now, I've never wanted anyone as bad as i want him. 

Levi grabs my chin making me look up at him. His thumb going over my bottom lip. I’m drunk on him and he’s barely touched me. The way he’s looking down at me like I'm the most fragile, beautiful thing he’s ever laid his eyes on has me feeling hot in more ways than one. I open my mouth a little as Levi pushes his thumb inside. I don’t know what’s coming over me, what spell his ashen eyes have on me. I graze my bottom teeth over his digit, giving a kitten lick before closing my mouth around it. 

“Suck.” Is the only command Levi gives me and I do as I'm told, keeping eye contact. A scarlet tint covers Levi’s cheeks as his mouth opens slightly, and if i thought he couldn’t get any hotter he lets out a low groan as i grab onto his wrist to take his thumb further into my mouth. 

“I don’t care what happens.” He says removing his thumb and standing me up. Everything feels like it happens in one fluid motion as Levi pushes me up against the kitchen wall. One hand around my neck and the other that has a tight grip on my hip. The way Levi is kissing me, i can’t explain it. Like he’s making love to my mouth. His kisses are slow and sensual, running his tongue in my mouth like he’s trying to savor the last drop. The hand on my waist has now traveled to grip my thighs like earlier, but he doesn’t stay there. Levi pushes my legs apart with his knee and glides his hand up my thighs until he’s playing with my panty line. He releases my mouth for a second to help me out of my underwear. I’ve never been more proud of myself for wearing a thong. Levi stares me deep in my eyes as he puts my thong in his pocket instead of discarding it on the floor. I never knew it was possible to be as wet as I am. 

 Instead of holding me neck his hand is hovering near my hair “May i?” He asks and not able to find words i just nod with my mouth slightly ajar. Levi grabs the hair on the back of my head gently gripping it and pulling my head back to gain full access to my neck. He’s careful to not leave hickeys on the places it would be hard to cover. He kisses up my neck back to claim my mouth again. I could kiss him for hours. “Turn around.” He says before giving my one last kiss on my lips. I do as he says and he unzips the back of my dress. But he doesn’t take it all the way off, just my back and the top of my ass is exposed. I don’t feel him touching me anymore so i glance over my shoulder. Levi is just taking in my appearance. “It should be criminal being able to touch you the way i am.” he says running a finger up my spine giving me chills. He steps closer to whisper in my ear. “And it should be very criminal the way I'm about to ruin you. I don’t want to leave room for any thoughts of another man again in that pretty head of yours.” He kisses my cheek as he peels my dress off. Grabbing my hand to help me step out of it. I began to turn around. “No, turn back around for me.” I nod turning back around. My breast pushed against the wall. Levi moved my hair off my shoulders to kiss my neck, down to my shoulders, making his way to leave open kisses against my spine. He’s on his knees behind me as he’s kissing the dimples above my ass. One hand keeping me steady against the wall while the other spreads my thighs. Levi kisses my ass. I moan, I never thought gentle kisses on my ass would turn me on and get me this wet. At this point I'm dripping and he hasn’t even touched my sacred part yet. Levi chuckles and then does it again to each one giving it a little nibble. "I just wanna worship this ass.” He uses the hand that spread my thighs to slap my ass, running his tongue on the reddened skin after. Another moan escapes my lips “Levi, please.” I pant. 

 He kisses his way back up to my mouth. His large hands gripping and groping all over me except where i need him the most. I hook my leg over his hip to bring him closer. The hand not kneading my breast slides down my abdomen and right between my legs where I've been craving him. I let out a gasp as he gathers my slick before inserting one, then two fingers in. “Because you asked so nicely” He smirks against my mouth. His fingers are sinful, using his thumb to circle my clit while his index and middle finger curl and stretch me out. Bringing me close to the sweet release that’s been building up. Levi pulls away his fingers and his mouth from me, earning himself a frown and a confused look. The lust filled look in his eyes is one of hunger, like he wants to do nothing but devour me. Bringing up the fingers he just had inside me he sucks off the juices i left on him. “Mmm, just as sweet as i imagined. I don’t think i can continue without tasting more.” I’m in awe, his eyes, the moan he let out tasting me on his fingers, the language. I do nothing but nod leading him to my bedroom with his hands on my hips and his lips never leaving my neck. This man is the grand multi tasker. How he can do this in a dimly lit hall and not skip a beat is beyond me. There is nothing he can’t do. 

“Lay on the bed for me. Keep your legs open.” I crawl on the bed laying my head against my pillow, Levi waits for me to pull my legs up and spread them. He smiles as I do so. “Good girl.” He says walking to my bedside table using my little remote to turn the fairy lights in my room a beautiful shade of purple. “Much better, I like to see while I eat.” He smirks unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off. ‘Damn’  I mean i know he had some muscle from how broad his shoulders look in his button ups but this man was art. Art I wanted to drag my tongue across. Levi stood at the foot of the bed, grabbing my legs to pull my down to the end of the bed. He kneeled eye level to my pussy. I’ve only had a couple guys go down on me before. A couple hookups in college and rarely my ex would. They all sucked, so i grew to not care for it, thinking maybe it was just me from hearing the stories my friends talked about mind blowing orgasms they got from it. I also never did much with lights on. Always feeling insecure in my body since a young age. Levi was opening the door for a lot of my firsts. 

I suddenly felt self conscious about being so exposed. Physically and mentally. “Don’t hide from me.” He said opening my legs again rubbing up and down my thigh. My hands covered my face. “Ivy, i wont do this if it makes you uncomfortable.” Levi peeked at me from around my legs grabbing my arm to take my hands off my face. 

“No!” I said a little too eager. “I just, I don't do oral.. often. I’ve never finished and i don’t want you to think its something you did. I think I'm just broken.” I awkwardly chuckled. The look on Levi’s face was pure disbelief, quickly replaced with determination and lust. 

“Sit up, i want you to watch me. I’m so eager to taste you again, it should be something we both enjoy. “ He said kissing my inner thighs as I leaned up on my elbows nodding at him to show I'm ready. He kissed all the way up my thigh. First placing a gentle kiss on my clit. I had to keep from moaning. He brought both my legs over his shoulder placing another kiss on my clit flicking his tongue on the sensitive bud. Switching his flicks out for swirls had me opening my legs for him more. ‘Yeah I definitely hadn't had it like this.’ I bucked my hips forward throwing my head back to let out breathy moans. Levi slid two fingers in me gently nipping my clit then swirling his tongue around it before sucking. “Ungh Levi i-.” He smirked up at me repeating the same combo over again. I felt euphoric. If there was a drug of this feeling i would be a fiend. 

 I gripped the hair on the back of his head as Levi removed his fingers and ate me out the same way he was kissing me in the kitchen, hot and sloppy. I couldn’t help but to buck against his face trying to catch that release. “Such a good girl, fuck my face just like that.” As if he said magic words the air in my lungs were knocked out and all i could do was moan his name like a dirty chant. “That’s it Ivy.” He said leaning over me placing his two fingers back in as he brought me over the edge. 

I lay on the bed panting like a ran a marathon. Levi crawled over me smirking kissing up my abdomen, over tp my breast giving each nipple a bite. He kissed me rolling his tongue over mine. “You see how good you taste? I could eat you all day.” I sat up on my knees to unbuckle his pants. Levi stood off the bed to pull his pants down, now standing in his black briefs that did nothing to hide the tint. Tint was actually an understatement, The head of his dick was poking out from his waistband. It glistened under the purple light. I sat up on my knees to kiss him again placing my hand on his bulge. ‘There's no way this is gonna fit.’  I thought to myself. “Ivy, i uh i dont have condom. I didnt expect for this to happen. We dont have to do this tonight." 

“I’m on the pill!” I said a little to eager. Even after that leg shaking orgasm i just had i still wanted him, needed him. “And i trust you.” I said pulling him closer by hooking my finger into his briefs. 

“I trust you too.” The look in his eyes was soft, like his words meant more. Kissing him again I pulled his briefs down and laid back onto my bed as he stepped out of them. My eyes went right to his member. I always imagined Levi would be packing. He had an aura about him. He had to at least be 7 1/2 or 8 inches I'm not sure. The girth is what got me, nice and thick with a slight curve. I wanted him in my mouth. I leaned forward to return the favor.

“You don’t have to do that. “ He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Plus I'm dying to be inside of you.” He said settling on top of me capturing my lips again. Levi grabbed his dick rubbing it between my folds gathering my slick on his tip. Gently pushing inside. I gripped his shoulders. Digging my nails into his skin. Its been almost a year since I last had sex but, regardless i don't think that would make taking him any easier. Levi buried his face in the crook of my neck as he pushed all the way in “fuck, you're so tight baby.” Levi moaned his voice muffled. Not wanting to wait to adjust i pushed my hips against him to let him know to move. 

Levi was slow and sensual, taking his time dragging out of me and pushing in painfully slow. “Leviii ungh.” I moaned throwing my head back against the pillows. 

“Use your words.” He used one arm to keep himself above me while the other slowly tightened around my neck. Kissing me hard. “Use your words baby.” He murmured against my lips. Keeping his sinful deep and slow pace. 

“Faster, please fuck me faster. Ruin me Levi.” That’s all he needed. The grip around my neck tightened making me clench tighter around his dick. Levi pulled one of my legs over his shoulder and began his assault on my pussy. At this point my only vocabulary was ‘right there’ or ‘harder’. Levi was fucking me dumb that soon i couldn't say anything but incoherent words mixed with his name. 

“You cant even speak can you baby?” Levi said against my ear not letting up on his pace. He reached his hand between you two to rub on your clit. It was too much, but you loved it.

“Levi i mm please.” He smirked at me barely forming a sentence. Levi sat up on his knees holding my legs behind my knees. Slowing his pace down a little but the way he slammed into you was ungodly and as you felt your second release that night building up you didn’t want him to stop. 

“You’re, gonna take all of this dick. Like the good girl you are.” He said flipping me  over to all fours. This new position putting him so deep I let out a muffled scream as pressed my face in the pillows. “Answer me.” He says slapping my ass. The grip he has on my hips is sure to leave bruises. 

“Yes Levi.” I moaned out his name. Levi switched to long deep strokes while reaching his hand between us again to rub on my clit. This man was gonna kill me. Now i could see why some woman went crazy over dick. I don’t know how any other man could ever compare in bed now that i had Levi. I didn’t want other man again. Levi had me already thinking about a monogamous relationship[p. Had me imagining a white picket fence and what our kids would like. 

“ Look at yourself”. Levi pulled my chin up to look in my large mirror across the room. He had a nice view of himself fucking me. The look in his eyes as he looked down at his dick going in and out of me to him looking up smirking in the mirror. Levi’s mouth was slightly open and his brow furrowed as he let out pants and moans. Leaning over to whisper the most lewd things of what he wanted to do to my body. ‘I wanna hear how loud you scream when i put it in your ass. would you let me do that baby?’ to ‘I want you on all fours watching me in the mirror as I eat it from behind.’ 

“Levi i mmm i’m gonna cum.” I moan pushing my ass back to meet his thrusts. “Me too baby, i’m so close. Turn around i wanna look at you when you come on my cock.” Levi laid me on my back like i weighed nothing. God, this man is everything. He leaned down to kiss me picking his pace up again, i tightened around him. My second orgasm that night crashing hard. My back arching a bit off the bed as Levi is still fucking into me chasing his orgasm.

”Keep fucking me like that baby.” He says as i raise my hips to meet his while he rubs my clit again overstimulating me in the best way. At this point i don't know if I'm screaming or moaning. 

 Levi finishes collapsing on top of me, laying his head on my chest. Both of us laying there trying to catch our breath. He looks up at me. Both us laughing because the only sound in the room is us panting. He looks over at the the clock reading 3:51. “ I haven't been up this late in awhile. “ He chuckles laying next to you, propping himself up on his elbow to look at you. 

“What?” I smile. He must think i look a sweaty mess.

“Nothing, i just think you’re beautiful. I cant believe i had the balls to actually do it.” his smile fades for a second.

“What do you mean?” His raven hair is hanging in his face. His sweat causing some strands to turn wavy. I run my fingers through his hair.

“ I was supposed to be in California for a couple months not Hange. But i convinced them to take my spot and bring Moblit with them. Hange of course jumped at the idea of going to LA since they have some family there. They were worried about leaving you so i told them i would take you as my paralegal for the time being since i hadn't met you officially. I had only seen you in meetings with Hange. And Ivy i have to tell you it took me weeks to realize that i never put myself first. I wanted you and i had to have you. Plus it doesn’t hurt being your own boss so i can bend the rules.” He smiled smirking at me.

 I had no idea this whole time he had wanted me. He saw me from my first day and knew he had to have me. God, this is not something i would have ever thought to happen. But I'm glad it did, now a new feeling of abandonment and jealousy if someone else wanted him as bad as i do comes to mind. I didn’t think these feelings would happen so soon.

“What is it? Tell me what you’re thinking.” He said with his lips against the back of my hand. i shook my head looking away from him, getting ready to shower. But, he held my hand to keep me put. “If something is bothering you i want to know. You can talk to me about anything. I wanna be here for you.” Its lame to cry after sex right? My eyes welled up with tears. Men like him were not real. There has to be a catch.

“I’ve never done something like this. Anyone one night stand I've had was years ago and under the influence and i hardly knew 

who they were or saw them again. I haven't been in a relationship in years and i.. i don't know. This amount of care and reassurance is new for me. I’m sorry for crying I'm such a baby.” I said getting up to hide my face and start the shower. 

“Ivy, lets talk. I’m being honest. I want you and not just because we had the best sex i’ve ever had in my life. But because im drawn to you, and i feel like this could be something great and i get it. I’m not used to being this open but im not blind i saw how men were falling over you tonight and i just cant stand the thought of you not being mine.” He was now in the bathroom holding my face between both hands. Using his thumbs to wipe away the tears that found their way down. I nodded with more tears falling from my eyes. 

“Baby look, we don’t have to talk about this tonight. Lets get cleaned up alright?” We showered. Cleaning each others bodies and giving gentle kisses filled with so much emotion. I stepped out before him to grab clothes in hopes that he would stay the night with me.

“Uhm these are my brothers from when he visits. But they should fit you.” I finished putting lotion on my body as Levi dressed. “Also if you want that is. No pressure. You can stay the night with me. I know you mentioned having to go to the office tomorrow but i mean its late and i would hate for you to make that long dr-”

“Ill stay” He chuckled pulling the shirt over his head. 

‘Perfect because im exhausted after that workout.” I said laughing at how Levi winked at me. He got behind me in bed as i pulled the covers over us. 

“A workout indeed.” He tickled my sides and giving me a kiss on the neck. We talked a bit more before bed. Sharing childhood stories. I laid on Levi’s chest  drawing patterns on it with my finger as he told me a story about how much of a partier Erwin and Hange were in college. I closed my eyes the sound of his voice lulling me to sleep. Levi looked down as i opened my eyes. “ I swear i was listening.” He chuckled and kissed my forehead. “There will be more time in the future for these stories. Go to sleep, ill see you in the morning.” He pulled my chin up to kiss me deep, a couple pecks later i laid back down on his chest as Levi turned the lights off. The idea of doing this every night with him one day swelled my heart. I dont think i could ever let him go.

[charming2alarming]

i know this is such a bitch thing to complain about but sometimes i really cant stand "cant stand up for myself" people.

i get it. its hard. yknow what else is hard? interacting with people and not being able to tell if youve upset them because they'd never say it.

and i cant just "tell". i cant just guess from behavior or body language-i'm autistic. and any of that could mean anything. someone being short with me could be them being upset with ME, or having had a bad day. and people are good at hiding it-if it doesnt bother me in a way i really care about, i dont say anything either, and people don't know. but people will keep quiet about reoccurring problems and silently get more and more upset about it.

so if you cant fucking say "hey, i didnt like that joke you made," how am i supposed to know. How am i supposed to change my behavior to help you. How am i supposed to properly feel comfortable interacting with you, when for all i know, you could be taking offense to every word i say to you. if you cant say "hey, it really freaks me out/pisses me off that you're always half an hour late" how is the other person supposed to know to make more of an effort to be on time. You don't say anything-for all they know, you're totally fine with the lateness.

like goddamn i get it. its hard to speak up. but as an autistic person with weird boundaries (like im fine with conversations some people arent,) it puts me insanely on edge to talk to someone that i know wont speak up for themselves. i, personally, LOVE personal conversations-and a lot of my friends do! im happy to talk about self harm and eating disorders and sex! a lot of my friends are too! so im not gonna make the assumption that you can't talk about sex and kink-im going to communicate how i like to, and if YOU say "actually i dont like sex conversation," then ill never bring it up again. But im not gonna assume boundaries like that-i want personal conversation!

and the "well you need to make them comfortable talking about that with you" is useless when its a THEM problem. in the kindest way. I tell all of my friends, REPEATEDLY, to tell me when ive done something wrong. That im happy to change my behavior if im TOLD ABOUT IT, but almost 100% wont notice a problem otherwise. I respond well to criticism and boundary setting when it does happen. it DOESNT MATTER. i will STILL hear about people having problems with me from the people AROUND them, or after months of me doing the bad behavior, or after the interaction/behavior hasnt happened in months.

fuck, dude. i dont want to be mean, but if you cant speak up for yourself, no one else will. no one else HAS to. and if you cant speak up about upsetting behaviors in the people around you, you kind of... have less of a right to be upset about them. you COULD tell them to knock it off, and maybe it would stop-the other person DOES NOT KNOW what they're doing is wrong a GOOD amount of the time. That stops being on them. if you want the behavior to change, you need to say you dislike the behavior. if they dont know that the behavior is bad to you, its... not really their fault that it doesnt stop.

[midnightmisadventures]

More dream updates from last night

Uhh, so weird i was with my friends and like normal a bunch of random guys who are all lowkey obsessed with me, but theyre genuinely good people so i fuck with it. 

There was just like a group of guys i didnt know super well but some were from highschool like oddly enough m*** san***go??? 

So yea basically we were this big group and we were in an airbnb somewhere planning outfits and stuff to go out partying. And i was so excited, i was so excited to bar hop and smoke and have a good time. 

So yea its hard to remember, but we were pregaming and aunty maggy bought either a $800 dollar or $8,000 dollare CAKE and made dad guess the price. So i was excited to try it bc what could possibly make a cake cost that much. 

We were eating food buffet family party style and this one guy, reminds me of the ever reoccuring dirty blonde white guy whos been in MANY of my dreams lately. He was teasing me and making jokes like “uhuh and i’ll take 3 orders of this and i want it all discounted” and i was joking back and said something along the lines of “oh no sorry sir i cant help you im just a child” and him still in character was like “how old r you” and we were laughing so hard and i was like “im 12, im quite literally 12 years old” and i know that doesnt make any sense but it was v funny in context. 

thenn, hmmm. BEcause of the ratio of way more guys than girls, the girls were like in this unnoffical battle to treat this party like a mixer, or speed dating. Like flirting with every boy and making sure to give equal time to the guys ur interested in. So i was doing that, but not in an organized way, meanwhile i heard girls going like “okay, just came from over there, no its time to flirt with the black guyss” like HUH

There were 2 “black guys” to be specific. And then the rest were white. So ofc i spent a lot of time with the black guys cause there wasnt hardly any black girls either. So then after i was joking around with dirty blonde ALI, the one black guy, he was like nelsons skintone, had black hightopish hair, and a large birthmark under his eye. And also maybe it was a little swolen, i dont think it was a bruise.....lol 

Anyway, he came up to me while i was getting food with dirty blonde and he said “hey i’m heading home, but it was so nice to meet you and get to know you” and i was like WHAT your leaving awww why, we havent even gone out yet?? Like this is still the pregame. And i was just being fem and cute. And he’s like yea i just gotta go, can i have a hug?  

So then we hugged, and it was such a genuine long and intimate hug hahaha. And THEN we released and he said “i love you” and i said “mhmmm” and like nodded my head smiling, like sending him off. BUT I DIDNT SAY I LOVE YOU BACK so it was awkward. But like, it felt so intense and weird because i JUST met him that night, so i panicked and couldnt even mindlessly say i love you. That was the only response i could give, cause i didnt even talk to him that much i didnt know why he was saying i love you. 

But of course now im like, fuck i keep being mean to Liam in my dreams on accident. Like remember the last dream when some random random boy so earnestly said “i love you” and i was like ha-ha-ha catch ya later!! Like almost exact awkward response because im sorry he keeps showing up as STRANGERS so how am i supposed to say i love you back?!

Anyway, he was trying to say bye to someone behind me, so i said “oh who do you want i can tap them for you” like they were behind me in the food line. And he was like “uhhh i dont know her name, but im almost positive shes a lesbian” 

THEN, i didnt know all the girls by name and i def didnt know who was a lesbian. But then all of a sudden all the lesbians in the party, like at least 4 people one of them being ally. Came to surround him in a big group hug, like awwww i didnt know you liked us so much, you wanted to say goodbye? And it was so weird and i wasnt sure if thats what he wanted lmao. 

[beyondd-dazedd]

I LITERALLY COULDNT NOT DO THIS POST NOW!! so hsmtmts stans, portwell nation, literally everyone who wants to read me practically screaming for 10 paragraphs here is the hsmtmts season 2 finale EPISODE👏 REVIEW👏

starting off strong with redlyn. my beauties. my loves. my sunshines. i LOVED that the whole cast knew about red’s plan. just carlos, ricky and ej being like ah yes locker letters😉😉 and everyone being all smiley and knowing SO CUTE!! i hated seeing ash sad but GOD RED SPENDING THE WHOLE NIGHT MAKING THIS THING TO SHOW ASHLYN HOW MUCH HE APPRECIATES HER?? GOD TIER. also the crew just wATCHING FROM THE DOOR WHILE REDLYN IS IN THEIR OWN WORLD?? MY HEART they’re just such a genuine couple. i love their sweet awkward moments. i also love that lights is their reoccurring thing. it just makes me so happy. y’all just KNOW red calls ashlyn his sunshine and i don’t take criticisms on that. i also really wanted an i love you confession there but they’re so cute that i will allow it to wait

HOWIE AND KOURTNEY!!! at first (bc ep. 11) i was like HOWIE NO YOU CANT HAVE DONE ALL OF THIS STUFF TO HELP EAST AND THEN STAB THEM AND KOURTNEY IN THE BACK but the fact that he was literally just in awe of kourtney and so nervous to be around her because he thinks she’s so talented mADE MY HEART RACE truly incredible. also loved kourt standing up for herself. we LOVE and STAN a straight forward QUEEN also their dorky arm in arm walk was so adorable. also drum rolls being their thing. also honorable mention to kourt’s (dara’s) mom WE STAN

ej helping mr. mazzarra get that job?? I LOVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP SO MUCH.

PORTWELL ANGST SCENE I CRY. ALSO DID I CALL THAT SCENE OR DID I CALL THAT SCENE?? if you read the fic i posted like 7 hours ago you’ll know what i’m talking about. anyways back to the show. gina joking around and then realizing that ej means not rescheduling ever and her just pretending like she’s fine with it?? OUCH OUCH OUCH i would’ve rather her immediately been heart broken. DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON EJ’S FACE AFTER SHE WALKS AWAY. matt absolutely killed that part. you can tell he waited just long enough for her to walk away when he lets his face fall and IT HURTS YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE HIM WANTING TO STAY CRYING BEFORE HE TURNS AWAY

rini moment. not the dressing room parallel. it was PAINFUL. the juxtaposition between the scene in the s1 finale and this scene?? OUCH. ricky saying if we’re literally on the same page (something they struggled with throughout the entire season) and nini saying just for a moment. i just wanna talk to the writers I JUST WANNA TALK BECAUSE THAT WAS RUDE.

seblos being cuties and ms. jenn on some fuck shit. she was having a MOMENT. like chill it’s high school theater it’s alright sis.

GINA LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND SOBBING I HATED IT. I HATED IT.

gini moment?? i loved it. also nini’s right. portwell is so powerful for so many reasons. period sis. and she’s right WE ARE LUCKY TO KNOW GINA. i loved their moment of solidarity and friendship. imma be honest for like 0.1 seconds i thought if portwell doesn’t work out gini might be the move bUT DONT WORRY IM A PORTWELL WARRIOR FOREVER also y’all called gina talking to nini about jamie and her music. YALL CALLED THAT SHIT

i liked ms. jenn and ricky’s moment. i loved josh’s acting in this scene because it’s just so well done. like doesn’t seem like he’s acting at all and it translates so well in this scene. it was very heartfelt and such a mature moment for ricky. so reflective. i love ricky

second chances GAVE ME CHILLS the whole staging, the vocals, the core four. CHILLS. the acting from all of them for this song WAS INCREDIBLE. it was so simple but really made the scene. i’m also a sucker for songs structured like this. with like the rounds and the switching lyrics over top of each other. LOVE.

ok literally all of them booing when lily and antoine showed up sENT ME because me too THE FUCK. antoine saying “big red. you were also in it” mADE ME SNORT. ricky literally shooing them out made me laugh and lily’s whirling turn and ricky like startling back a bit made me laugh. i hate lily but her confession was literally me. like i like his big brown eyes and his big brown hair too you ain’t special bitch. antoine’s thumbs up was SO FUNNY. andrew was hilarious in this role.

also i didn’t love that they were like well fuck the menkies after that was a major plot point of the season but like also i get it. just being like MEH the stress isn’t worth it. EJ’S SPEECH HES LITERALLY VOICE BREAK JUST THE FUCKING GROWTH THAT HES HAD I LOVE HIM

jennzzarra flirting in front of the kids?? kinda cute ngl. also am i muted? SENT ME. also love that howie is just chilling there while they’re talking about dropping out. KOURT SAID LETS BURN THOSE RESULTS

benjamin being BOLD BOLD good for him

big star nini?? good for her!

ashlyn being like YIKES i’m sorry i didn’t realize you thought of ej that way and her being like hahah ok... wait WHAT? but i KNEW ash was going to progress that along somehow. like obvs ej and gina were sulking and ashlyn HAD to be the one to step in. she do be the #1 portwell warrior. thank you for your service ma’am

i will only allow ricky and lily to be a thing IF it’s a summer fling, if it means antoine gets to stay around and if it pushes rini back together and if none of that happens then wtf is even the point of pairing those two up. but we already know ricky is a sucker for misunderstood competitive women (minus nini)

GINA CHASING AFTER EJ!!! HIS FACE OF JUST OH GOD PLEASE LET ME BE HEARTBROKEN!! YOU GOT BAD INTEL!! THE CAN I... CAN YOU WHAT? CAN I KISS YOU with her little giddy laugh and her smile GIRL YOURE GLOWING and then ej’s swallow as he turns to fully look at her. WILL YOU BE MY FIRST KISS!!!! HIM JUST SLOWLY SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR AND DROPPING HIS BAG TO WALK TO HER AND THEN THEM RUNNING WHEN THEY GET CLOSER AND GINA’S LITTLE GIGGLING I CANNOT EVEN

i am so so SO HERE FOR SUMMER FLUFFY IN LOVE PORTWELL

overall am i a little sad it was so short? yes. do i understand the insane restrictions they were working under? yes. am i confident about a season 3? absolutely. i am HERE for a summer season.

anyways PORTWELL IS CANNON!!

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[frosted-night]

Since this account is new i oughta dump some of my headcanons out here..bc man this fandom is small.

Jack Frost/Nightlight

He is claustrophobic. The phobia developed from all those years he spent imprisoned in Pitch's heart. Along with when he was trapped in that solid lead box in the second box.

Jack has been known to draw now and then. His fern frost patterns are proof of that.

When around Mim, he cant help but baby him sometimes. Even if they aged differently, Jack cant help but still see that young prince sometimes.

He rarely sleeps outside 'The tree of sorrow'. The occassional nightmares can really get to him.

Despite having a staff, he remembers how to swordfight. Tsar Lunaroff trained him himself.

His memories as a Nightlight can come and go. They often get jogged by familiar senses. Katherine made him a journal, that way he could record them in the moment.

Man In The Moon

If he is stumped or feeling lonely, he looks out to the constellation of his parents. Even though they are so far away, its a comforting sight to him.

He is one of the only people who still calls Jack by the nickname "Light." Jack is perfectly fine with it and it can fluster him if Mim does it when other guardians are around.

Nicholas St.North

He can slav squat with ease. Any who think otherwise will sob at his sheer skill.

Krampus is a reoccurring rival for him during the christmas season. However North thinks the Krampus Run in Europe is rather amusing. Everytime he thinks Krampus is faded n gone, humans seem to bring him back somehow.

North can outdrink any guardian. All of them know this and know not to challenge him.

E.Aster Bunnymund

He still needs his glasses if he is reading. North makes a face whenever he sees them, and Bunny gets the urge to punch him.

He prefers not to work with bubblegum candies. One bubblegum filled egg got ruined and stuck in his fur.

If he notices he shedded anywhere, it can easily make him cringe. Unless it's North's Workshop.

Tooth(Toothiana)

She can handle spices the best in the group of Guardians. However she doesnt enjoy insanely spicy things that make her sinuses ache. She mostly prefers mild/traditional spices from her home area.

Tooth likes to drink sugar water from time to time. North jokes about getting a humming bird feeder because she likes it so much.

She hides away when her feathers begin to molt. Its very embarassing for her, but her mini fairies help her through it. They often preen her when the itching gets unbearable.

She loves to brush Katherine's long hair. Or, if someone near her has things stuck in their hair, she cant help but fix it for them. Tooth assumes its a bird preening instinct.

Sandman

He stargazes when he has a rare moment of freetime. It reminds him of when he piloted shooting stars in the golden age. At least once a year, he stargazes with Mother Nature.

Insomniacs stump him because they have odd resistance to his dreamsand. It makes him sad sometimes when he thinks about them.

Kids and adults who frequently daydream tend to be some of his favorites. The dreamsand that comes from them is the most spontaneous

Pitch Black

If he sees a child's nightmare is about their parents, it can break his heart. He tries to make it so the child can wake up out of the nightmare easier.

If a kid has a futon instead of a bed, he just lingers in the shadows instead of under that "death contraption".

Halloween is a fun time for him. The best time to make young ones regret watching those horror movies~

The Nightmare Before Christmas depiction of him, amuses him greatly. At least until he hears jokes being made about it.

JEEZ THAT TOOK FOREVER FOR ME TO TYPE. But i might offer more if this interests some people :y

[travesty-majesty]

helloo

here's a thing if you're interested in talking about ocs, danganronpa, mcyt, anything !!

think of [could be a category of people in danganronpa, a certain group of people, ships, or even one person] and type five songs that you associate with them

if you can, associate the songs with sonething matching, such as colours, maybe activities the person/people do, emotions, etc!!

personally it helps you think of circumstances with the character[s] and come up with writing prompts, or drawing ideas !!

plus i think your type of music is pog :]]

Stxrryy thank you for this

I-im v happy

I'm gonna go w killjoy/tgolf because I've been thinking abt them alot lately and wanna animate something with them so these also double as animatic ideas :}}

So 5 songs i associate w them

(Only you know these characters, so I'm referring to them as Yellow, Green and Red! You know who they are ^^)

1. Lavender by Penelope Scott

(Killjoy)

Mainly Yellow focused, in a mm!yellow+mm!green au

We were discussing a while ago about a double mm au and i remember you saying that green might've been unstable, almost relying on yellow to keep herself sane

Imagining the song from yellows perspective, shes thinking about liking green but knowing green is unstable and she shouldn't like her

it makes more sense in my head, you gotta take my word for it it's better than it sounds ^^'

Lavender isn't as polished as sweet hibiscus tea or lotta true crime or anything, but that's why i like it!! It's very good and i recommend it

2. Godspeed by Shayfer James

(Killjoy)

Gotta thank a villain themed playlist for this one haha

Green focused, with yellow focused in certain bits

The main reoccurring line is "Good luck. Godspeed. I know I'll see you again..!"

I imagine this is green saying her goodbyes to yellow and red before her own execution, with yellow/red being the focus of the verses

I wanna expand on this but i cant do words

Godspeed is a v good song but it took me a few listens to warm up to, but the aesthetic is good! Shayfer james has a lot of good songs and they very much fit greens aesthetic, with some songs that Red would like too

3. Look Away by The Dear Hunter

(Killjoy again)

I feel very self centered writing this eheheheh

Again, greens execution focused! The main line in the chorus is "Look away, shade your eyes. Don't. Stop." which i imagine is green telling the others to just leave her, but at the end the line shifts in one last moment of desperation before she puts back up the act

I don't know if I'd ever animate this but i really like the song and i want more people to hear it

I've changed my mind i wanna ramble about other fandoms

4. Madness by Ruelle

(Dream SMP)

This is more of a general one about the SMP but the song fits so well

It'd probably focus around Tommy Tubbo and Dream but the others would feature too, with a highlight on the egg plotline

I might animate this one at some point because i think it'd fit!! Idk how to type things lol

5. If I'm Being Honest by Dodie

(TNG)

Estrella centric because comfort oc send tweet lmao

Kinda like a love song to Aeja, kinda lamenting her self worth, kinda both, y'know

The line "I'm used to being a joke..." Is what made me think of it and the rest kinda spawned from there

But like 

Man someday I'll ramble all this to you in person if you'll let me, mark my words

And i have other ideas too

But for now I'll stop here because words are hard apparently haha

Thank you for the ask though!! I've been feeling kinda upset lately and this has really helped, rambling about ideas/characters makes me v happy :)

[hillelf]

novel prep: the hostess

not gonna lie, i wasnt tagged in this! but i really like the idea and i thought it would be helpful to me, so i did it anyway.

FIRST LOOK!

1.) Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator plot)

Four teenagers learn that they have chosen by Fate for a great cause. However, there are people who would do anything to stop them from carrying out their mission.

2.) How long do you plan your novel to be? (is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

as of now, i plan on it being one book with four parts!

3.) What is your novel’s aesthetic?

nature, religious imagery, warm colors vs cold colors

4.) What other stories inspire your novel?

ohh thats a good question! a lot of my favorite stories have major differences

5.) Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

tbh thats really hard for me! i have a specific aesthetic in mind but i cant think of any specific pics that fit. i think im gonna start tagging stuff with just #aesthetic: the hostess for general things but i do have pics in the tags for the characters!

MAIN CHARACTER(S)!

6.) Who is the main character?

there are four! quinn marton, emerald maryland, cain ornigana, and aerial whitton. each of them get sections of the story that focus on them individually.

7.) Who is their closest ally?

each other and the goddesses ethys and elpys! cain’s moms, too

8.) Who is their enemy?

the goddess adah and her followers

9.) What do they want more than anything?

to enjoy what’s left of their youth!

10.) Why can’t they have it?

they were called to greater things — and there’s an entire society out to kill them.

11.) What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

quinn thinks that she must be the one there to support others, and that she must not ask for help in return. emerald thinks she always has to be strong in order to protect her loved ones. cain thinks they are worthless and unlovable, and aerial thinks everything is her fault.

12.) Draw your protagonist! (or share a description)

i actually draw my protags a lot but am not comfortable with my art to share it yet! so i will describe them.

quinn is black, and has dark brown skin and coily brown hair. she has dark eyes and freckles as well. her aesthetic consists of pale blues, and often wears cute skirts or sundresses. she is short, but often wears heals.

emerald is pale (compared to the rest of them at least) and has long brown hair. she has blue eyes. her aesthetic is lowkey punk — dark jeans, leather or demin jackets, and black lipstick. she is also short, but does not wear heals.

cain is tan and has dark hair and eyes. their aesthetic is dark colors, golds, and earth tones. they have a fun and cute sense of fashion when they feel comfortable enough to express themself. they are very tall.

aerial is black as well as a native islander. her hair is long and braided, and has streaks of purple. she also has dark brown skin, freckles, and dark eyes. she likes to wear skirts, and a lot of purples and white. she is heavy-weight and proud of it; she is average height and the tallest of the girls.

PLOT POINTS!

13.) What is the internal conflict?

feelings of self hatred and self doubt; fear of death; trust issues

14.) What is the external conflict?

people are trying to kill the protags and later wipe out the whole human race except for themselves!

15.) What is the worst thing that can happen to a protagonist?

listen. two of them get shot. one dies and the other is forced to watch while in absolute agony and bleeding out. they all blame themselves for the terrible things that happen. one of them might (almost) get cryogenically frozen? and thats no where near everything. so idk!

16.) What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

why the children of adah want the hostess!

17.) Do you know how it ends?

vaguely? there is a happy ending.

18.) What is the theme?

found family, good vs evil, the inevitability of death, love is always the answer

19.) What is a reoccurring symbol?

marble statues / religious imagery, mountains, azure-naped jays (a type of corvid!), nature

20.) where is the story set?

in a world almost parallel to our own! its as close to modern day as you can get in a world where society has been set back quite a few years due to tragedy. it takes place in a country called eliad, which in a similar geographical place as brazil!

21.) Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

GOD, YEAH! way too many. i am very imaginative and i daydream a lot.

22.) What excited you about this story?

the messages im using it to share! and i want ppl to know and love my kids

23.) Tell us about your usual writing method?

LOL what writing method? jokes aside, i mostly daydream, try to write what i daydreamed about, hate how i write it because it doesn’t live up to the original idea / daydream, give up for a little bit, then slowly add to / rewrite it later. its a very slow process!

im not going to tag anyone to do the game since i just did it for fun and not cuz i was tagged! however, i am going to tag my taglist for the hostess so you guys can see all the information. if u want to do it, feel free to say i tagged u!

the hostess taglist: @bbabyapollo @siarven @joysdrop @whimsicallytwisted @pheita @silver-wields-a-pen @lr-sloane

[paig]

Album Analysis: Neotheater

neotheater is possibly one of my favorite albums of all time. i love the way the album opens and closes, it really reminds me of a show and almost like an overture while also being a unique song. the sentimental value each song obviously holds made me want to cry and smile at the same time. in my opinion, the click’s theme or message was about balancing what you want to be and what other people want you to be, and i think that this album is about the ‘human experience’ and things everyone goes through but never talks about (like the Peter Pan factor, which is explained later). I loved the messages of 100 Bad Days and Birthday Party when they dropped, and Dear Winter brought me to tears.

But it’s always better to go in order, so starting from the beginning, Next Up Forever: wanting to never actually peak because then it means you’re never going to be better/or as good as you were at one point or another. this song also pushes into motion the Peter Pan factor that reoccurs throughout the album, not wanting to grow up. but then the flip side shown in the song is not wanting to be left behind. “I know i have to grow up sometime, but i don’t think im ready yet” is the line that really drove it home for me. This song is also musically beautiful and i love love LOVE the chorus.

Next, Birthday Party: Firstly, i love the transition between the songs. i also love the little “wow”s! This song also captures the ‘human experience’ in my opinion because it mentions thoughts everyone has, but doesn’t ever really say out loud (with a few exceptions). Not to mention the upbeat music that for me represented the outlook that the song has, even if it is in a sarcastic way.

My personal favorite to get hype to, 100 Bad Days: this one i feel contributes the most to the theme of ‘the human experience’. the song is about surviving what hurts, and becoming more interesting because of it. it also talks about coping with failure and everything going wrong, which is something that everyone ever can relate to. “i aint scared of you no more” is such a powerful line, saying ‘hey yknow what? im not going to let this keep me down’ which is also something everyone can relate to. This song holds a special place in my heart because it has helped me through a lot even though it hasn’t been out for very long.

Don’t Throw Out My Legos: holy. crap. i heard this song first when i listened to clips from people on The Click tour, but hearing it produced and really complete is an entirely different experience. This song contributes to ‘the human experience’ because it’s about being stuck in this feedback loop of having to let go but not being able to. it also represents a first step to me, because moving out but not moving on is the first step towards being really independent. this song may have the most peter pan feel to it of all!

Break My Face: the way this song starts is my favorite thing ever omg. this song is kinda like realism, cause it gives the pros and cons to every situation in an unbiased way, but also makes a little joke out of it. human experience shows in this one through how it almost sounds tired of life’s crap. “life gives you lemons, at least it gave you something” is an iconic line, and the little callback to Birthday Party with “everything is going great” is super sneaky cause it sounds perfect.

Turning Out Pt.ii: wow. this song is really raw, and it honestly makes me feel so aware of everything. the universal shared experience of being in love with the idea of someone is already near heartbreaking, but then the way it is compared to growing up and, well, turning out and loving how you turn out really drives it home. not being able to actually tell someone and instead having to indirectly imply it is also something people can relate to.

The Entertainment’s Here: if someone were to ask me what song i feel embodies who i am, it would be this song. the alarm part really called me out to be honest. being someone who hyperfixates on things alot, this song is about being bored and starting to think about things way too much and getting bored but then content (in this case, entertainment) is available and i use it as a distraction. “you don’t even gotta use your brain from here” is the most hard hitting line for me. this song embodies the human experience, because it’s about needing to be distracted constantly which is how life is now.

Karma: This song is just.... beautiful. i love how the song is from the point of view of someone at a therapy appointment, because that is something alot of people will be able to latch on to and feel really close to home. another thing people will relate to is doing your best for as long as you can, but not getting any good karma in return and getting gradually frustrated. The callback to 100 Bad Days really hit hard, because it ties the songs together. One, about pushing through everything life throws at you, and the other, about being wound so tightly and straining from said pushing through and never getting a break. The outro of the song is another thing that is going to resonate with so many people. “the universe works in mysterious ways but im starting to think its not working for me” is the summary of it.

Beats: This song reminds me of Im Not Famous, cause it’s about the moral argument of selling out/not selling out. this song is very human to me because it has the recurring theme of being afraid of being forgotten/left behind/fading away. It also gives me Come Hang Out vibes cause of the end.

Wow, Im Not Crazy: This is another song that i think its the epitome of the ‘human experience’ because hearing someone else confirm that youre not alone in something you think is weird about yourself is such an amazing feeling that i feel was captured perfectly in this song. the tone is perfectly reflective of the feeling you get when you hear someone say something you’ve been thinking about forever.

Dear Winter: I have almost no words for this song. The first time i heard this song, i was having a really bad day, some of friends were out together without me, but i watched the video and listened to the song on repeat and things were a little better. The idea of planning your life and skipping over certain parts you can’t actually plan is so relatable, and i think that it says alot about us as humans. It’s in our heads from the beginning that we have to have a plan and we have to know what to do, but sometimes thats impossible and we can’t, so we don’t, and we hope instead. and i think this song reflects that beautifully.

Finale (I Cant Wait To See What You Do Next): The way this song echoes the first track but is still it’s own song is so beautiful. I also love how both songs are reminiscent of old movies or old shows that you would go and see in a theater, but theyre still new (hence neotheater!!!) “They wanted heaven from me, i gave them hell” is so powerful on it’s own, because it is about expectations piling up and just exploding and throwing them off. this song really does a good job of communicating that message. There’s also that little feeling of being behind and overwhelmed after such intense expectations that the song does a perfect job of putting into words and music. It also brings a little of the Peter Pan factor back, talking about not wanting to be forgotten or left behind. being welcomed to the neotheater at the beginning and the end was my favorite little detail in this album.

Overall, this album is an emotional rollercoaster. there are songs that make you think “hey, how did you get into my head?” Theres songs that you listen to get pumped up, songs you listen to to cry, songs you listen to to smile, and much much more inbetween. Overall, this album is about the Human Experience and the things we don’t talk about but always think. Congratulations on your bit of success! welcome to the neotheater, we can’t wait to see what you do next.

[caelin-ismycity]

Please tell us more about Tellius ships

god theres a lot of ships with how many bitches there are in this game- like id have to play through the game some more which i plan on doing anyway to write an essay-ass anthology of all the good shit here but for now i can shoot off my faves

ike/boyd:

yall already know i like myself some elihec and one reason is cause of their lil rivalry/best friend relationship yknow- you can look at those losers romantically or not and it’d still be some Good Shit. 

same logic with ike/boyd honestly- especially with there bantering asses in the beginning and generally how boyd tends to think of ike immediately when it comes to finding a sparring partner or just helping him out during their quest with the tri-arrow attack discussed with rolf and oscar.

another scene i found cute was after ike and others disobeyed titania and sought out the bandits alone and when greil is about to rip into ike about disrespecting orders, boyd’s the first one (i think its been awhile since i played that chapter) to step up and take the blame (admitted by him to be pretty out of character which i like to interpret as boyd just being flustered that hes caught caring for ike beyond their competitiveness)

unfortunately, not only is fe9 hard to play legally because of its stupid price, but even if you did sell your soul to buy the game intelligence systems has cursed my household by not allowing ike and boyd to have any support conversations, nor any interactions all together beyond a certain chapter, so ike/boyd is one of the rarest pairs you can like in this series especially considering the most popular ship is ike/soren with the tellius series

ike/ranulf

ike and ranulf meet uhhh god i dont rememebr honestly- but they meet about halfway into the game when ike and co properly become associated with the beast laguz where ranulf, considerably, becomes a reoccurring ally to the greil mercenaries.

couple reasons why i love these two- one being the whole laguz/beorc thing ight (lemme get on that in a sec). i.e., ike is big on joining laguz and beorc together, and ranulf doesnt really seem to mind them (i say ‘doesnt seem to mind them’ because, if i remember right, ranulf has real issues trusting beorc and even tells ike that if he naively trusts people he’ll end up hurt). ergo, id imagine that ike would love to get to know more about the laguz alltogether and ranulf himself (he’s clearly curious considering h is supports with lethe as well). additionally, their C support is fuckin cute as hell with ranulf taking pride in making ike laugh/smile at one of his jokes (which tbh i thought would set the grounds for a lovely af A support but instead i get ranulf calling ike a nitwit for trusting him so easily so thanks intell).

another big moment for me is how ike hardly hesitated to defend ranulf from the other beorcs after he was discovered in that one really racist town (its the one where you get zihark and board nasir’s ship y’all know the one) even if it jeopardized the possibility of them escaping the town quietly (double points for ranulf insisting on ike leaving him alone and ike essentially telling ranulf to fuck off with that shit)

its utter trash that ranulf joins the mercenaries at the very end of the game (maybe chapter 25-26? you get JUST enough chapters to achieve their A support), not to mention he pops in-and-out of the gang’s path to actually talk to ike. but im grateful there’s some content for these two, even if there isn’t as much as i would like

kieren/oscar

again yall know i love that rivalry shit but this time it’s extremely one sided on kieran’s part (oscar more-or-less just dealing with it and not making a fuss about it). but damn if there isn’t potential, especially when you can take kieran’s insistent rivalry as some form of admiration for oscar (not to mention the possibilities of their past with oscar originally working alongside kieran)

double points for kieran’s insistence that oscar come back with him to work as a crimean knight again (obviously more because kieran’s genuinely astonished oscar would willingly work with lowly-payed, unknown, not-pristine mercenaries). you can really just take it as kieran really lowkey missing oscar but being too prideful to admit it

ill also be damned if oscar cooking with kieran/teaching him how to cook wouldnt be the tightest shit to watch; i cant tell if kieran would be too stubborn to let oscar fully mandate what he does, begrudgingly listens to oscar, or is utterly impressed with oscar’s culinary skills and insists that ‘only someone as amazing as his rival would obviously be fit with abilities like that’

kieren/rhys

not exactly phat on my radar but it is cute as hell considering how easily concerned rhys becomes of kieran (and for good reason to the fucker regularly bludgeons himself with an axe and he wrestles bears jesus christ man), so its easy to imagine rhys making the excuse to kind of baby kieran to make sure he isn’t seriously hurt on or off the battlefield to just look/watch him

its also pretty fun to imagine rhys going with kieran when the dumb bitch proudly tells the army he’s about to go bear wrestling and rhys getting to see kieran ;lightly’ clothed to fight a fucking bear

im pretty sure in their A support, rhys tells kieran that if he isn’t more careful then the army’ll lose their most valuable soldier to something as stupid as a self-inflicted axe wound. its obvious that rhys said something along the lines of that (as well as a couple of other things in that support) because he acknowledges kieran’s self importance, but its also cute to imagine that rhys was able to use that fact to his advantage to tell kieran how much he means to himself (bonus points if, alternatively, rhy’s dialogue would follow some shit like ‘I- uh... We can’t lose a soldier as important as you, Kieran.’)

gatrie/shinon

another lowkey one (considering shinon and gatrie are absent for a decent portion of the game post initial chapters), but the one support i did manage to get of them was enough to sell me- cause frankly i find the idea of shinon teasing gatrie about buying them dinner and gatrie just being like “hhrhrum” as he begrudgingly agrees to be endearing; i.e. the sinon mentallity being ‘If you’re going to throw your money at everything, you might as well spend it on something worthwhile’ aka ‘lets just have a nice dinner together instead of you buying some random girl three bouquets of roses’

they also have a pre-planned attack together (albeit quickly mentioned to titania) like cmon they bondin yall they conversin

finally i love how shinon’s taller than gatrie- like this isnt necessarily ship-related i just finally have the opportunity to say it. like shinon could absolutely tease gatrie about it like ‘what did you say you wanted a kiss? ? ? i cant hear you from down there’ and gatrie just playfully punches his arm like ‘bro- dude- cmon please i missed you all day just bend down for two seconds’

i’ve been typing for a while and ive got the attention span of a brick but these are the ships i think of the most. during my second playthrough ill be damned if i dont develop more but feel free to send in more ship shit

[midnightmisadventures]

Dream cappp lmao

So last night b4 bed i said im gonna shuffle for what hes dreaming about/what to look for as a sign if i join him. To see if its him, tap into telepathic comm.

I got ride by lana, and godless. So i went to bed with the intention and was on the lookout

Uhh what was interesting is that, we were together and i was with him like the whole time. I cant remember anything about the signs necessarily but for the past few nights he's just been "there" or in our group.

But tonight we were like soft dating and it was v cute. I just liked being attached at the hip and walking with him everywhere. We were in and out of the truck going places together and i love thatt. Lol so maybe ride was mentioned and i missed it

So we were in this classroom setting. Lately ive been having setups from that old reoccuring dream where im trying to catch my bus before it leaves in pvi. So we were in a math classroom, most of the squad, and then one day i pulled up with Liam. And everyone was already there and i thought it was cool to be walking in there with him as like his date, cause i saw some of our friends were jealous.

And we immediately sat down and started laughing and joking and being cute but also apart of the group as a pair. And so weird, we're sitting there and a commercial plays thats an ad for this new show. Like sitcom or something right. And the tv show is called "The Sad Tylers" and it was in big block blue letters. The show was about basically your typical sitcom family but everyone is sad and not positive and grumpy and mean??

And apparently in the dream that was an idea that Liam had come up with soooo long ago. And we both were so shook like holy shit you literally said this? hahaha so stupid. But we were so excited and trying to tell everyone like "omg omg liam literally said this.....god we had just met, so it had to be? September right?" just being so obnoxiously and couply haha.

So then another section, we were in this theater, i dont know if ive said this often but lately im like alwayssssss in an opera style theater with traditional red curtains and dome seating at least once every dream. Sometimes im trying to get my seats and i came late, sometimes im sitting in the back with friends during a movie? play? sometimes im on stage learning a play, and sometimes im on stage at night when its empty talking shit with my friends.

No idea what that means.

But we were in the theater and i was with liam and friends/fam. BUt i had to go to the bathroom. Yep u guessed it. It wsa that scary bathroom. I go and i close the stall and right after me comes in elijah and some other people and he was crying and ranting and they went into the stall next to me but didnt know i was there.

I however, noticed i was on my period and bled through my jeans. It was covered by my cardigan so no one saw it and i could hide it temporarily but i needed to change.

So i was thinking what could i do? i dont wanna go home cause i dragged liam here and it would be weird to leave without him. Then i remembered liam and i had full packed luggages in his trunk, duh! lol no srsly where were we going. But yea, so i just needed to get his keys and grab a change of clothes. No biggie.

So i go out to the theatre again, covering my embarrasing blood. And i dont see liam, so i start asking people. Like did you see where Liam went? And i asked my dad and he said "oh Liam hes getting into some trouble" and i was like huh? wym. But then he said like, why u need his car, i could help you? And i was like noo why is my dad making this a moment right now, its not about that i need my clothes.

SO i went outside looking for the truck and for him, and i kept seeing his car but then i would get close and it was like a dark green instead of black or wrong license plate like they were all almost him but not him. Adn i think i found it. Also outside of the "theater" was just a elongated chipperfield driveway.

[b-is-for-bones]

reoccurring nightmare

some details change, but the meat of it is generally the same. the parts in red and bold are specific to just this last time.

im at my house and my mom announces that we will be going to the water park. fun!! but my dad is going. hes also staying with us for 3 days. so not fun.

we make pasta, ravioli with alfredo sauce, and they confuse me by saying something (saying i was going with my step family). then they announce it was a joke, and then i can have my pasta. my mom gives a signal and my step family drive away.

i have to discuss something with my friend "alexander", who i cant see but i can hear. my dad wants us to keep the door open so he can hear what we say. we try the front door and then i have to show him something i wrote on a paper. the paper is blank.

cut to the park, theres one of those swing rides that spins you around in the air. i go on it. i dont like the way my dad looks at me. i want my moms attention but she wont give it to me, shes looking at something in the distance. theres two teenage boys behind me, i keep going on the ride over and over, and theyre always right behind me. the ride is over again, and this time i get off. im uncomfortable.

we go into the food court and i need to use the bathroom. my mom is worried we wont be able to find it, but i say we just passed it. we were next to the number "8", and the bathroom was at seven. we go back to it. i cant find it, "alexander" lays down & now theres a doorway to go through.

through the doorway its like a maze. theres people dressed up as characters, or so i thought, and i get through them the "wrong" way, by instead of fighting with them i play and make friends with them until they let me pass. at the last two, i realize they are robots. im scared. i need to use the bathroom.

the bathroom doesnt have stalls. its just water, with vents, some floating dividers, and no privacy. its dark. im the only person there, but i still try to cover up as much as possible. more people arrive. theres two boys there suddenly, nearest the wall, which shouldnt be possible unless they were there before me.

im trying to pull my pants back up and the two boys are talking about genitalia, the kind that i have specifically. i know these boys, i saw their mother looking for them. they say "yeah, ive never seen one before", notice im there, and look at me hopefully. "i have an idea." one of them says. i say something along the lines of "no.", "i dont have answers." or "not from me", etc etc. they look down disappointed.

they notice something in the water. im trying to leave. theres suddenly a projector light, and theres crabs in the water. tiny crabs. they say "thats so cool!" and im telling them about crabs, and they arent listening. then theres more crabs. theres thousands. millions. nobody else cares. i try to get out of the water and out of the bathroom as fast as i can.

while im running i can see them everywhere. im lost in the maze. i finally get out. i see the boys' mother waiting at the entrance, looking like shes considering going in. she has two small children with her, so i help her out, "they're in there." i say. she nods to me. but she keeps just standing there. like she doesnt know if its worth it.

i get to my mom. i try to tell her about the crabs, that we have to leave, that im scared. my dad is still looking at me weird. they cant see eachother. they just keep looking at me.

"alexander" is trying to tell me something. i cant hear him. hes pulling me away and out of the crowd, away from the crabs, away from my parents. i can barely make out what he says. "we have to leave, its not too late".

then i wake up.

[octaviangrey]

If you are feeling Whelmed

If you are feeling like it's all too much, or that you can't feel a thing. If you want to just lie in the cold and forget the world or cry until it drowns in your tears and self doubt. If you are scared or tired or cant do anything at all. It's ok. It's alright. You are allowed to feel this. It is not a fault of yours that you feel this way. You are not broken for feeling this way. You are experiencing something negative and no matter how mild you may think it is. If it reoccurs - go talk to someone. Talk to a friend or family, a priest, your dr, a teacher. Go talk to somebody. Anybody. Call a help line or tell them online, but let someone know you feel this way, that you think you may need help. You might not think that what you have is worth considering as a type of depression or mental illness, that just because you can get up in the morning or laugh at a joke that means you aren't dealing with it and it doesn't exist. Depression and other mental illnesses occur in many forms, have deep, long lasting wounds or are a soft, recent thing. If you feel blue and just can't shake it, it's ok. If you feel like you might have a problem, go talk to your doctor, if at least for the peace of mind then, that you don't fit the bill and you just had a phase, or to get the help you need. Just because you don't think it's a serious case, does not make it a serious case. Every case is serious, because you never know of it may change for the worse. So if you can't wake up or are trapped with a wall between you and the world, or anything in between, it's ok. It will get better. Go talk to someone you trust. And always know that there are people silently rooting for you, who want you to get better, you will listen to you if you don't or if you do and offer that support from all over the world. I wish I had seen advice like when I first experienced depression, not after my third experience, so to you all out there feeling like you are overwhelmed or underwhelmed or anything in between, I'm here, and so are many more.

[disscusting]

triggering memories

• being very young, asking my brother why my stomach folded over when I sat down. he replied very bluntly, it's because you're fat.

• was always a little overweight growing up, my older sister constantly picked on me for it. this will be a reoccurring theme in my life

• probably 8 years old, my family didn't save any dinner for me so I asked my mom while her and my dad were watching TV if I could have a bread roll. my dad didn't want me to eat them for some reason, and my mom, to my defense said "mike, she's hungry." he replied with "she doesn't look hungry." been uncomfortable eating around my dad ever since. I will literally hide or throw the food away really quick if I hear him coming into the kitchen. even if it's a normal meal, not a weird midnight binge or something, I feel like I can't let him see.

• kindergarten, my best friend at school was super skinny and always flaunted it around me, making me feel bad about my weight. her friend Chelsea didn't like me and Emily told me it was because I was "bigger". intolerance is learned at an early age.

• first grade, on the bus this older kid says how my cheeks are super fat and remind him of watermelons.

• second grade, I dont remember how this got said but I vividly remember this skinny redhead saying how I have been "fattening up." similar stings like this would follow the rest of my childhood.

• third grade, I was literally voted as "second fattest" in the class, runner up to my friend Sam. I felt so bad for her, but it really sucked to be in 2nd too.

• fourth grade. I begin to feel extremely self concious eating around almost anyone except my mom. at my grandma's, I take literally 15 minutes to unwrap a breakfast burrito because I could feel her scrutiny. she tells me to go ahead and eat it, but proceeds to explain calories to me and how I need to be watching what I eat, or I will end up like my mother. she asks me if I ever get made of fun of at school for my weight, I instinctively lie and say not at all.

• Thanksgiving, some time in middle school. I get a big scoop of cheesy potatoes, because they're my favorite. my uncle says "jeeze, save some for me." a year later I go to slice a peice of cheesecake and my whole family freaks out because it's too big of a peice. my cousins also always made fun of my weight, while the two girls my age were extremely skinny growing up. I was an easy target and often compared to the skinniest one, how were so different.

• freshmen year, me my mom and sister go on a vacation to see one of my moms old friends. while I eat icecream, she calls me a piglet. she tells my sister in private how I am a pretty girl, but really need to start watching what I eat.

• sophomore year, literally got called a cow. this was after losing 20 lbs as well. this guy I sat by in computer class said something that reminded my friend of something I would say, so she was like "okay reyna" and he went on this big joking speel how we're nothing alike, and said "do I look like a cow?"

• sophomore year, dress shopping for bridesmaids dress. mine fits snugly, and my mom tells the fitter, "dont worry, shes doing track this year."

• sophomore christmas- judged for eating at dinner, my brother says how I'm the big sister, even though maya is older.

• junior year, I gain everything I lost back. when dress shopping, I found something i actually liked and ask my sister what she thinks. instead of just saying it doesnt really fit, she tells me how I look like I'm busting out of the dress. she also told me in the past when I wore a red sweater, I looked like a giant tomato. she always threw phrases and insults like this around like they were nothing, not caring if they hurt me. I always did my best to show her words had no affect on me, but they did. more than I could even know.

• junior year, prom dress shopping with my gay friend. I come out in a dress I somewhat liked, he did too. the lady working at the store came over and gave her unasked for opinion, how the dress looks aweful and unflattering and does nothing for me.

• junior year, I start working at mcdonalds. my brother says how his friend started working there and got really fat, so I should prob find a new job

• junior year, I ask my now ex boyfriend what he thought of me when he first met me, and he said his first thought was "wow, she is a big girl. "

• junior year, while eating a second croissant dessert thing, my brother openly exclaims "what Is the, five already? jeeze." his wife also put on pregnancy weight, and sent me a picture in a shirt I left at their house and said "really glad you left this here."

• senior year, boys constantly call me thick and make comments about my body. good or bad, it makes me want to never eat again. my sister also told me insultingly when she visited from college, "your butt is so big." I'm fucking sorry I literally cant help it. 

overall, my sister harassed me all my life for my weight. it was literally constant, I just got used to it. she had no problem publically shaming me for my weight, and getting people to join in. she never took it in to consideration that maybe it hurt me. I was just supposed to get over it. my dad also made weight comments growing up, and always asks about what I'm eating and why I'm eating, so did my grandma on his side. my grandma on my moms side also told me growing up how I need to "slim down" all the time. I have always felt looked down upon by my relatives for my weight and over all failure at life. they say how i look exactly like my mom, who is obese. mind you, all these comments came while being at a size 12/13. basically if you're not skinny, you're not good enough. 

all these memories make me want to loose weight more than anything, but they also make me resent the people who I was close with as a child, and the culture I grew up in. maybe one day we will stop pushing our personal beliefs on how beauty and weight onto impressionable children.