#this is really self pitying I know but I’m just so tired and scared

[voiceshearingyouloud]

I was kind of complaining to my psychiatrist that I find it difficult to deal with everything going on in my life and I guess she thought I was being self pitying, and she said ‘everyone has something.’ And now I keep thinking about how any one of my ten mental illnesses or five chronic illnesses could have been my ‘something’. Or it could have been my parents abusing me, or me being gay, or being an immigrant.

But I have to deal with all of those things. And I get that everyone else also has a combination of terrible things happen to them, but when I have some horrible experience and I think to myself ‘this could easily be the worst thing in someone’s life’ and it doesn’t even come close to everything else that goes on for me it’s a particular kind of painful.

[edenmemes]

wednesday starters

❝ i’ve learned so much from you. part of it is admittedly criminal behavior. ❞ ❝ use the words  ‘little’  and  ‘girl’  to address me again and i can’t guarantee your safety. ❞ ❝ i knew you didn’t have what it takes to be a murderer. ❞ ❝ i promise that whoever did this to you will suffer. ❞ ❝ you really suck at this. cheering people up. ❞ ❝ are you feeling okay? you look a little pale. ❞ ❝ there’s nothing quite like the feeling of being proven right. ❞ ❝ your secret’s safe with me. ❞ ❝ why should i bother telling you anything? you've already decided i'm lying. ❞ ❝ to tell you the truth, i’ve never really fit in anywhere. ❞ ❝ how i missed those accusing eyes and youthful sneer. ❞ ❝ i’ll be keeping my eye on you. ❞ ❝ you’re hurt. can you walk? ❞ ❝ try anything and you’ll lose limbs. ❞ ❝ i should have known you were behind this. ❞ ❝ do you always speak in riddles? ❞ ❝ for someone who claims to have no friends, you certainly protect them. ❞ ❝ i refuse to play the role of a pawn in someone else’s corrupt game. ❞ ❝ any plans you have of running away end right now. ❞ ❝ or you can just glare uncomfortably. whatever works for you. ❞ ❝ i don’t have time to explain, but you’re in danger. ❞ ❝ i didn’t realize we were back on speaking terms. ❞ ❝ no man chooses evil because it is evil. he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. ❞ ❝ emotion equals weakness. pull yourself together. ❞ ❝ there’s a monster out there, but everyone believes i made it up. ❞ ❝ how long do you intend on giving me the cold shoulder? ❞ ❝ if you die, i will kill you. ❞ ❝ whoever you are, show yourself. ❞ ❝ how long have you been lurking? ❞ ❝ believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. ❞ ❝ as usual, you underestimate me. ❞ ❝ i don’t believe that i’m better than everyone else. just that i’m better than you. ❞ ❝ i hope that one day, you’ll finally be able to accept me for who i am. ❞ ❝ i don’t want you to be a stranger in my life. ❞ ❝ i don’t plan on staying here long. ❞ ❝ not a hugger. got it. ❞ ❝ you’re soft and weak. you’ll never survive without me. ❞ ❝ do you make a habit of scaring the hell out of everybody? ❞ ❝ if he breaks your heart, i’ll nail-gun his. ❞ ❝ you are a brilliant person, but sometimes you get in your own way. ❞ ❝ my personal philosophy is kill or be killed. ❞ ❝ breathe a word of this to anyone and i will end you. ❞ ❝ have you ever shot a bow and arrow before? ❞ ❝ i don’t bury hatchets. i sharpen them. ❞ ❝ you can’t get rid of me that easily. ❞ ❝ i act as if i don't care if people dislike me. deep down...i secretly enjoy it. ❞ ❝ there’s just something wrong about this place. ❞ ❝ i want to assure you i remain as cold and heartless as the first day we met. ❞ ❝ i have no interest in following in your footsteps. ❞ ❝ you used to love my killer instinct. ❞ ❝ sometimes the monsters we least expect are the most dangerous. ❞ ❝ would it kill you to not think the worst of me for once? ❞ ❝ is that your professional opinion as the child of a murderer? ❞ ❝ you always had a unique perspective on the world. ❞ ❝ i don’t know what kind of sick joke you’re playing, but i’m out of here. ❞ ❝ at least it’s turning into a beautiful day. ❞ ❝ being your friend should come with a warning label. ❞ ❝ there’s no time. leave me. save yourself. ❞ ❝ we were good together. ❞ ❝ oh, great. i guess you can add ‘thief’ to your resume. ❞ ❝ whatever did this wasn’t human. ❞ ❝ the last thing i remember i was walking outside feeling a mixture of rage, pity and self-disgust. ❞ ❝ i’m not above breaking a few fingers. ❞ ❝ once again, you have underestimated the situation. ❞ ❝ i see the world as a place that must be endured. ❞ ❝ this will not end well for you. ❞ ❝ stop making enemies and start making friends. you’re going to need them. ❞ ❝ it’s been a long night. i’m tired of your games. ❞ ❝ never lose that. the ability to not let others define you. ❞ ❝ i make one mistake, and you can’t forgive me. ❞ ❝ my deviousness has finally rubbed off on you. ❞ ❝ you could have been seriously hurt or worse. ❞ ❝ my vengeance will be swift and true. ❞ ❝ no matter how hard i try, there will always be people who look down on me. ❞ ❝ danger is on its way. no time to delay. ❞ ❝ please, flattery will get you nowhere. ❞ ❝ do you have a death wish or something? ❞ ❝ i’m the villain in your fantasy. ❞ ❝ i just want you to know all i want is the very best for you. ❞ ❝ you know what your problem is? you don’t know who your real friends are. ❞ ❝ i did a terrible a thing, but i swear i’m not a terrible person. ❞ ❝ the world isn’t always black and white. there are shades of grey. ❞ ❝ where you see doom, i see opportunity. ❞ ❝ friends are a liability and can be exploited. that makes them weaknesses. ❞ ❝ i’m just gonna come out and say it. i want us to be more than friends. ❞ ❝ that’s so sweet. you didn’t have to get me anything. ❞ ❝ think you skipped where you apologize for acting like a jerk last weekend. ❞ ❝ you’ll use everyone to get what you want, even if it means putting them in danger. ❞ ❝ every time you get involved, people get hurt. ❞ ❝ there’s a biting sense of humor that i always adored. ❞ ❝ what does it feel like? to lose. ❞ ❝ i  have  great  admiration  for  well  executed  revenge  plots  but  yours  was  a  bit  extreme. ❞ ❝ what’s your excuse from creeping around in the middle of the night? ❞ ❝ i’ll survive alone. i always have. ❞ ❝ when you give me that death stare of disapproval, you remind me of your mother. ❞ ❝ are you all right? i can’t imagine witnessing something like that. ❞ ❝ i’m tougher than you think. ❞ ❝ the more you listen to them, the more their claws sink into you. ❞ ❝ people like me and you, we’re different. ❞ ❝ i would rather dye my hair pink than ask my mother for advice. ❞ ❝ i’ve never seen someone so blinded by rage. ❞ ❝ could we please do without the overt display of emotion? ❞

[bots-and-cons]

Hiii! I haven't been requesting anything from you for ages! But here I am with angst request.

Basically how would Wheeljack, Breakdown and Predaking react to their favorite teenage human, who always was seen as that ball of sunshine always smiled or laughed whenever they were near them, or kept them cheered up after failed missions. Just to see that readed slowly starts to lose that shining personality fading into the quiet, low self-esteem shadow of themself, no more laughs and cheering up yk. And just one day never coming to base and finding out from Kids that the reader just permanently moved out far away from Jasper Nevada without any explaination with no saying goodbyes, or answering any calls.

You're always allowed to just simply not write that request if it's too uncomfortable for you.

Don't force yourself into writing that request fast take your time! And I hope you have a nice day or afternoon or night!

Baiii.｡⁠*ﾟ⁠+

A/N: Nice to have you back :D I decided to do HCs for this, since it’s always the easier way and I just felt like it fit this better than scenarios, because of the longer time frame. Also, platonic since you asked for the reader to be a teenager. This ended up kinda angsty, but I’m not really surprised given what you asked for. Sorry I cut out Breakdown, seems to have become a bad habit of mine lately

~Predaking~

•Predaking was very protective of you from the very beginning, because you showed him kindness even when he wasn’t quite sentient yet and ever since he transformed for the first time too

•Also he doesn’t really have any actual hatred for humans

•Sure he thinks they’re inferior and weak, but that’s more like pity than hatred

•Anyway, that doesn’t really apply to you, because he actually knows you, so you’re like a whole different thing from the rest of humanity

•You were always so bright and even when your light started to dim, you were still always kind to him and the others

•You started getting quieter and visibly less joyful

•Predaking of course took note of this, because all he’s ever known you to be is a happy, bright, joyful person, so the change is pretty drastic in the end

•It happens gradually, you start talking less and less, and when you did, you always seemed tired and not really interested

•Predaking doesn’t really know what to do about it, because his emotional skills are not very well developed yet, you can’t really learn that kind of stuff from a database after all

•He thought maybe he should let you be, because he didn’t want to make you feel worse

•Eventually you started coming to the Nemesis less and less, before you finally stopped all together

•Predaking tried to get in contact with you after he didn’t hear from you for a week, he asked Soundwave to locate you

•He refused, because he had more important things to do apparently, so Preadaking wasn’t really left with many choices with how to get in contact with you

•Actually he was left with just one, he decided to go to where you lived

•He just landed in the middle of the street and looked in your window

•There were no curtains and he could see that the room was totally empty

•You were gone, you’d left and he had no idea where you’d gone

•Predaking tried but he could never find you, you were gone and there was this odd emptiness in his chest

•He’d lost his best and only friend and he now regretted that he never said anything to you when he noticed you deteriorating

~Wheeljack~

•Jackie didn’t really notice it at the time, but you were going downhill at a steady pace

•When he started thinking back on it after you left, he had seen you getting worse, but there had been so many things going on he hadn’t really had time for you

•Ever since he met you, you had always been so happy and it seemed like nothing could get you down

•But eventually the fear got to be too much, you were so tired of being scared of the decepticons all the time

•You started to wither away, but you never talked to anyone about it, Jackie was very regretful he didn’t notice

•You stopped going to school and barely ever left your home

•Your parents noticed this, they thought you were getting bullied or something, so they decided a move to another town would be best

•You didn’t fight them on it, you had no reason to

•You wanted to get away from the autobots, because if you weren’t with them, the decepticons would have no reason to target you

•It’s not like you hated them, not at all, Jackie was a great friend and it sucked you had to leave them behind, but you couldn’t live like that anymore

•The constant terror was killing you, you were so stressed and exhausted, and you had to get away from it

•You never told Jackie that you would be moving away, you couldn’t, you didn’t want to, because you knew he would try to change your mind

•You left and the bots found out when the kids heard about it in school

•Jackie did want to go find you and talk to you about it, but in the end he didn’t want to trample on what you had decided

•There must have been a reason you didn’t want him to know where you were going, why you left, but he could never figure it out

[deathblacksmoke]

Dramamine—Part 8

Pairing: Noah Sebastian x Nick Ruffilo

Series Summary: Cynical, brooding bartender Nick meets too-earnest, pretty boy singer Noah when The Rabbit's Foot starts hosting an open mic night.

CW: angst, self-hatred, self-doubt, mentions of death and grief, i’m fixing things <3

*Content warnings are updated by chapter*

Word Count: 1.8K

Author’s Note: beta’d by @circle-with-me and @darksigns-exe, big fat colossal thank you for listening to me bitch and moan and whine and panic about this chapter for weeks. was really starting to think i’d never get this one out. anyway thank you everyone for your patience, please enjoy 🤍

dividers by @cafekitsune 💐

He doesn’t have the capacity to deal with it, the way they’ve been tip-toeing around him all morning. Folio flitters around wordlessly behind him, busying himself with one unimportant thing or another. Jolly has hardly made eye contact. Neither have said more than a good morning or excuse me.

Besides Jasmine, he doesn’t know what was discussed when Noah came in last. He’s afraid to ask, since it was seemingly enough to warrant the silent treatment. Or maybe they’re too nervous to scare him off again, but whatever it is, it’s making his skin crawl.

He’s inclined to let himself sit in it, allow himself to get used to the uncomfortable silence if it means not having to face any of this. But he already lost Noah—he barely had him to begin with, but he’d so quickly allowed himself to grow fond of him. It didn’t take any time at all to get used to how nice it felt to have him around, to wake up to a good morning text with a cheesy little emoji. He hadn’t had anything close to that in years. He’d forgotten what it was like, how much he liked it, how it made his stomach twist pleasantly. He wasn’t prepared for what a life without him would bring, how quiet and agonizing every moment would feel.

He can’t lose Jolly and Folio, too, not when they’re this close to being all he has left.

The bar isn’t nearly busy enough to distract him, anyway. He’s been here for two hours and no more than 2 customers have walked through the door, staying momentarily before walking back out. He’ll swallow his pride just this once, if it means breaking the deafening silence and going back to normal. Whatever his normal may be.

“Can we talk, or are you both going to ignore me all day?”

Folio leans against the bar fidgeting, while Jolly stares blankly at Nick with his arms crossed. It’s clear he’s going to have to do all the talking for the time being, and the idea alone turns his stomach. He hasn’t had a clear head in years, hasn’t had the ability to properly express himself in even longer, and he can’t do this.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?” he finds himself asking, feeling indignant and knowing he’s chosen the wrong tone, the wrong words, the wrong way to approach this. It’s made even worse when Jolly doesn’t respond, looks anywhere but at Nick.

He knows he fucked up. He knows he is fucked up, but they’re his friends, not Noah’s. They’re supposed to be on his side.

“I just—” he starts, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing. He’s humiliated enough as it is without begging for their support. “I just need you guys to be on my side. Please.”

Jolly’s arms uncross before he fixes Nick with a look that reads pity. He hates the way he shrinks into himself, feeling unbearably small, but it’s better than before. He prefers to feel pity over the miserable suspicion that he’s losing everyone.

“I think it’s time for you to let yourself have a good thing,” Jolly finally responds, and Folio promptly nods in agreement. Nick can’t help himself when his eyes roll back.

Maybe they’re right, but she’s the only thing he’s known for all these years. There’s a dread that overpowers him, nestles into his ribcage and twists, when there’s a moment he allows himself to consider letting go. He’s grown tired of the way everyone looks at him, though, like he’s this awful wounded thing.

Even after everything, he’s not used to this clawing emptiness that surrounds him. His head, normally torturously loud, sits quiet. He didn’t realize he’d have to lose one more person to finally have that. He always thought he’d be grateful when the moment finally came for him to have peace, but he finds that it isn’t what he wants.

He’d only just started enjoying the levity again, the feather-light weight of an existence with Noah in it. Now the silence, rather than peaceful, sinks heavily around him. He doesn’t think he deserves to have that floaty feeling, but he begins to wonder if it’s worth denying himself any longer.

“I can’t, Jolls,” he finds himself responding. There’s something caught in his throat, his vision blurring. He’s so exhausted. “I don’t know how.”

When Jolly sighs, it doesn’t feel like a disappointment. Jolly has always had the least amount of patience for his bullshit, but there’s a softness to his sigh, a sorrow that makes him feel awfully guilty.

“You have to, Nick,” Folio interjects. Nick feels as his body starts trembling—he knows something has to change, but he doesn’t know how to do it. There’s a comfort in Folio’s touch when his hand wraps loosely around Nick’s bicep, and he lets himself sink into it for a moment. There’s no fight left in him to stop the tears from spilling, feeling humiliated as he wipes them away. “Your life didn’t end at 29. You have to stop acting like it did.”

Hers did, he thinks to himself but doesn’t dare speak aloud. Even he knows that she would hate for him to be living his life this way. He can see the exact look she would fix him with, shoving at his shoulder, telling him to stop being silly.

She would be so ashamed.

There’s a beat where he lets the realization register before the door is being swung open, slamming violently back closed with an audible cracking sound.

He connects the thundering footsteps approaching to a face he distantly recognizes. His mind flits from confusion to a painful melancholy as he places her.

“Autumn?” he asks, but her pace doesn’t slow—her expression growing angrier than it was when she first stomped through the door.

He hasn’t seen her since the funeral, or heard from her in almost as long. He can’t begin to imagine what she’s doing in his bar, fuming, staring at him like she wants to wring his neck.

“We need to talk about Noah,” she says. It’s not at all what he expected, and his heart sinks.

There are so many questions he wants to ask, but none of them seem right. He watches pitifully as his circle narrows, as his life gets smaller and smaller and everything gets harder to outrun. Everything is all too connected.

He settles on the question that feels most pressing.

“Is he okay?” Nick asks, regretting it immediately as Autumn rolls her eyes. She always was a protective friend, more than once cornering him at a party when Jasmine had gone to the bathroom.

He’s grateful Noah has someone like that, though he’s not grateful to be at the receiving end of it again, no matter how much he deserves it.

“No, Nick, you destroyed him,” Autumn seethes, and it’s a punch to the gut, not that it surprises him. “He was so sure about you and now he’s been at home for days crying because you don’t want him. I can’t let anyone hurt him again, so tell me. What the fuck happened?”

The again that Autumn tacked on doesn’t go unnoticed. His heart shatters all over again when he thinks of Noah crying over him, feeling undesired or unwanted. Every decision leading up to letting Noah down was harder than the last.

He does want him. More than almost anything, he wants him.

“You know better than anyone, Autumn,” Nick tries to reason with her. It’s not like he wants this, exhausted and working against himself as he slogs through every day. “You knew her better than anyone. You know why I can’t—”

“No way is this about Jazz,” she says, interrupting him. She sighs, and there’s a softness in her gaze that he remembers. But she’s so, so angry, and he’s not sure who for. “She wouldn’t want you to be living your life like this. She loved you so much and she would be so hurt if she knew you were stopping your life for her. You know that.”

And he knows she’s right. He’s known it the whole time. It makes it all worse.

“I can’t let her go,” He miserably admits, on the verge of tears again. “Noah deserves someone better than me. Who isn’t so fucked up.”

Noah deserves someone perfect. He wants it to be him.

“He decided on you,” Autumn reminds him, matter-of-fact. “No one’s making you let her go, especially not Noah. But you can honor her memory by not letting her death ruin your life. Let yourself have a good thing. She would want you to.”

It’s like they rehearsed it, Jolly and Folio and Autumn. Let yourself have a good thing. He knows they didn’t, and that’s what makes it worse. That means it’s true, that he deserves it.

He considers it for a long moment. There isn’t a whole lot left to say. He’ll decide in the moment—he can’t screw things up worse than they already are.

“Should I call him now?” Nick asks, and Autumn raises her eyebrows, surprised. Jolly makes a shocked little sound. Autumn motions for him to go ahead.

The line rings and rings and rings. His anxiety spikes, and he’s sure it’s clear in his eyes. “He is working, at the shop,” Autumn tells him. “You could text.”

Can we talk?

A minute passes. Then two. Then five. He hates standing here under their watchful eyes, waiting for a text to fix his life. A read receipt, and still no response.

He wonders if Noah feels as panicked as he does.

Please, Noah. I have to talk to you.

The three dots that appear taunt him. The response comes quick enough.

Come by at 8.

He lets out a breath—the panic continues to rise, but at least there’s something. A chance.

“I’m coming by at 8,” Nick says, voice wobbly and humiliating.

Autumn nods, muttering out a simple good, see you then before turning on her heels and leaving, seeming awfully self-satisfied. He’ll have to thank her later.

“How are you feeling?” Jolly asks, sounding a little unsure himself. Folio claps him on the back so hard he stumbles forward, already weak on his feet.

He feels sick. It’s a good sick, he thinks.

“Like I’m going to throw up.”

Parked outside of Noah’s, working up the courage to go in, he does the only thing he knows will make it all feel complete. Permanent and real.

“Hi, honey,” comes his mom’s voice through the phone, clear and bright.

“Hi, mama,” he responds, taking a deep breath in. “I want to talk to you about a boy.”

Tags: @concretenoah . @circle-with-me . @darksigns-exe . @ladyveronikawrites . @agravemisstake . @monotoniscreaming . @cookiesupplier . @bngurngheart . @jiizzy . @screamsinsilver . @iknownothingpeople . @anameunmusical . @sitkowski

[iforgotwhaticalledthis]

Imposter by Ratwyfe is THE Sophie Foster song

specifically, its book 1-4 sophie. this song was written for her. And heres my line by line analysis:

“So i finally reached heaven but the door was pretty hot” Sophie finds a place where she should be accepted, where she should finally be accepted but she Isn’t  hence heaven i.e a perfect place, and hot door i.e something is still uncomfortable

“And I’m tired of being liked for someone that i'm not” Sophie being the moonlark, having all these people look up to her, have expectations for her, even though she barely knows who she is

“I feel like I’m a poser” Refer to above “I’m scared and I’m alone, I’m in a new place, I’m too far from home” this is especially sophie like RIGHT when she arrived, she has maybe one person who she actually knows before making three other friends( Dex, jensi, marella) she doesn’t know anything she has to relearn everything and AHHH

“I don’t belong here it's clear to see” She has brown eyes, a constant reminder that she’s not like everyone else.

“I’m disappointing everyone who believes in me” Book 2, knowing that she was modified to heal minds, that's her purpose, but she's broken.

“I’m not who you think i am, you think i’m so amazing” I feel like this is in relation to fitz in book 4, he sees her as someone insanely talented, and good, but she feels like such a messy person, with so many secrets

“I don’t deserve the life that I am chasing” Her thinking she’s not good enough for fitz, and also being constantly worried, in book 3, that by the Vackers being friends with her she's bringing down their reputation

“I’m an imposter, i’m a monster. Why am I here? I don’t belong here.” Being a genetic experiment, not knowing the black swans motives, being so different from  everyone both human and elf.

“I feel like nobody likes me and i keep messing up. ” Book 2, fitz anger at her and her reaction, as well as book 3 after kenric died

“It’s obvious to me that everyone has had enough” councilors giving her the restrictor

“I feel like im a nuisance, im a burden, im a pain” Sophie to everyone after losing her abilities, but also like, in her relationship to Edaline and Grady in the first book, and after losing her abilities.

“And its all my fault, im the one to blame” She read king dimitars mind, she broke the rules. But also her guilt towards Dex being hurt because he was with her when she was kidnapped

“Yeah, do i belong here I just can’t see, I’m disappointing everyone who believed in me” Book 4 after she couldn't heal prentice.

“Why am I here? Why am I here?”  Jumping back in time a bit, Book 1, when she didn't realise why she was brought up with humans

“Why do I wallow here in my pity and self doubt” Honestly i feel like this is kinda self explanatory? Like she doubts herself SO much

“And why do i hurt the people i cant live without”  Literally all of her friends/ anyone associated with her getting injured really badly throughout the series

“I try to change, i try to do better, but i dont know if i can keep it all together” ok so this can apply like generally, but i think specifically how she stopped tugging her eyelashes in book 2 but returned to that habit in book 3 and hasnt stopped since(at least  in my memory, i haven’t read the later books in a bit, thats why im mainly citing the first 4)

“I don’t belong here I just don’t fit, But i’d be worse off if i chose to quit” She may be different in the lost cities, but it's better than being different amongst the humans

“It means so much to me that you think im so amazing” i feel like this line fits mainly with her relationship to calla, Calla admired her, trusted her,  etc “I can hardly deal with all the obstacles im facing” self explanatory. Like. Hello??

And the rest of the song is mainly just lines that ive already dissected/discussed so im not going to past them again.

[star-going-supernova]

Prompt: After vanessa is freed from ol' peepaw willy's control. One day, Gregory just sorta offhandedly comments "by the way, you had a real crappy knife as Vanny". Vanessa, understandably, questions how he knows this. Gregory proceeds to drag her to the store to buy a 4 buck knife, victoria brand (because i recently got one and omg that's sharp). Vanessa is now glad that Vanny was kind of a dummy. (I thought this could be funny!)

Basic implant background for Vanessa here! This is silly, lol.

Critique

It started with a movie trailer in which a character was shown attacking a friend because of mind control. It was all rising drama as the second character desperately tried to break their friend free without hurting them while still trying to defend themself. It struck a sour note in Vanessa. 

Had any of her victims, Gregory or otherwise, tried to snap her out of it? Begged for her to wake up, for her not to hurt them? Would they have known to? She didn’t remember enough from those months, her memory scattered and patchy. 

“You must have been so scared,” she murmured, almost without noticing. She immediately tensed when Gregory turned to look at her; That Night had been one of the Things We Don’t Talk About since it happened, and the last thing she’d meant to do was break that unspoken agreement.

But Gregory just made a dismissive noise. “Not really.” 

“Not—not really?” 

He sent her a half pitying, half apologetic look. “You were a really incompetent murderer, is all.” 

And despite how unbelievably stupid it was, Vanessa found herself mildly offended. “Excuse me?” 

Gregory sighed, put-upon. “Forget I said anything.” 

Vanessa did not, instead leaning forward to mute the TV. “No, no, we’re having this conversation. And I’m sorry for bringing it up—for making you uncomfortable, but—”

“Uncomfortable? What are you talking about?”

She gestured at him. “I don’t exactly want to make you relive a traumatic experience.” 

He stared at her blankly for a second, but before she could start to worry that he was having a flashback or something, he snorted, amused. “Ness, I hate to break it to you, but I didn’t find that night in the pizzaplex particularly traumatizing.” 

“You—what? But we, we have that silent agreement not to talk about it!” 

“Yeah. Because you get all self-loathing and thousand-yard-stare-y when you’re reminded of it.” 

“I—” Vanessa cut herself off, narrowing her eyes. Did she get like that? “But—your nightmares?”

He bit his lip, and she got the impression he was trying not to laugh at her. “I’ve never had a nightmare about you or the pizzaplex, actually.” 

“But I—your insomnia, the way you’re so tired in the morning sometimes, and sometimes you fall asleep with the light on!” 

“I have friends in other time zones,” he explained. “And what kid doesn’t stay up to all hours on YouTube? You wouldn’t believe how many theory videos are out there about Fazbear Entertainment and all the murders and stuff.” 

The murders. Her murders? Were there more murders committed by other murderers? 

They stared at each other for a long minute, Vanessa’s worldview shifting in multiple different directions and Gregory placidly watching it happen. 

“Okay, we’ll—come back to that, maybe, but—sorry, just. Let’s circle back to incompetent murderer. The hell does that mean?” 

“Let me put it simply: you dedicated six-plus hours to trying to kill me… and now I live in your house.” 

Vanessa slumped into the couch cushions, unable to argue. 

To add insult to injury, Gregory started counting off a list of incompetencies on his fingers. “Your costume was frankly comical with its bug-eyes and buckteeth and weird smile. I have to assume the mask severely limited your vision with the amount of times you just completely missed me despite me being right in front of you. You had no sense of urgency with the way you were skipping around, and you made it extremely easy to avoid you because you had no concept of stealth or subtlety. Using the animatronics to help you might have been a half decent idea if doing so hadn’t dumbed them down so much. An actual dog would’ve been better at tracking me.” 

She opened her mouth to interject, but he kept going. 

“The one time you did get close to me, you were so dead-set on maintaining the stupidest cover ever that you practically let me get away. I mean, seriously, who were you trying to fool? So what if I, the kid you were going to kill, knew Vanessa and Vanny were one and the same? And despite having an entire building’s worth of security cameras at your fingertips, you never used them to find me, and the door locks were useless with all the keycards laying around. Admittedly, that’s not entirely your fault, but as a murderer, I think you should’ve been more meticulous about that. And the worst part—”

This roast against her mind-controlled self got worse? 

“—your knife was a piece of crap.” 

A few seconds ticked by as Vanessa’s brain tried to take in his criticisms without thinking of them as points that she needed to improve upon. “What was so bad about my knife?” she asked, perhaps a bit too petulant.

Gregory shrugged. “It was a standard kitchen knife, which wasn’t the worst thing you could’ve chosen. But it clearly hadn’t seen a sharpener in way too long.” 

“How would you know?” Because, admittedly, it wasn’t like she’d ever gotten close enough for him to learn firsthand anything about her knife. 

He sucked in through his teeth, faux apologetic. “Another point against you,” he teased. “I stole your knife around 4:30 and you apparently didn’t even notice.” 

“You didn’t. You didn’t!” 

“I did!” His smile turned smug. “And I never gave it back.” 

“You still have it?” Vanessa asked. Was that something to be concerned about? Especially since he had such a clear idea of what made a person a good or bad murderer. 

“Duh. And you’re not getting it back now. It’s part of my collection.” 

Terrifying little menace. Vanessa looked back at the TV and unmuted it. Her thoughts swirled. 

A few minutes later, she huffily turned to Gregory again, smacking the couch cushion as she did, and loudly said, affronted, “Incompetent. Incompetent? Me? Really?” 

Gregory immediately bursting into laughter didn’t help her outrage. 

[levi-llama]

Space, Time, and the Psyche (2)

Chapter Two

Series Rating: Explicit

Chapter Rating: Mature

Chapter Warnings: talk of suicidal ideations and self harm, self loathing, language.

A/N: in spirit of the doctor who specials that just came out, I figured I’d upload some more of this series. Enjoy!

Chapter Two:

I awoke with a pitiful feeling in the back of my mind, I sat up with foggy awareness. The room was white and sterile, but the bed was surprisingly comfy. I got up to stretch, but felt an IV in my arm tug me back.

“Uh-uh-uhhh! Sit back down. You’re still dehydrated.” A softly scolding sound came from a familiar voice. I turned my head to the left to find a comfy, out of place, armchair with a whimsical looking man relaxing in it. He looked about as drained as me.

I laid back down against the plush pillows then opened my mouth to talk, but the words didn't come to me. My mind was still so fuzzy.

“That sure was a close one, wasn’t it?” His voice teasing, as the flood of memories rush towards me.

My demeanor completely changes, sitting up more, then hanging my head in embarrassment. “You know, I’d thank you, but you really shouldn’t have bothered.” I let out an exhausted exhale, “Help me get this needle out and I’ll be out of your hair.”

His eyebrows scrunch up in mild shock for a long thoughtful moment, before relaxing back in his chair, closing his eyes and resting his head back. “You may think you’re lost, alone, a bad person. You have no idea who you are, and no chance to figure it out, but you’re wrong.”

“And how do you know that?” I trail off quietly at the end.

“Because I’ve been there.” He turned his head, locking gazes with me, a soft, tired grin on his lips, and a deep hollowness in his eyes. “I was alone when I was.” He takes a long pause, “but you don’t have to be.”

That made me glance through my hair, barely catching eye contact. His eyes were distant, it was almost as if his mind was in a different time. Lost in memories? No, not memories, he wasn;t thinking of the past, but rather it seemed he was lost in his future. Somehow it was like he was dreading the start of his life from thus on. Like me, just like me.

“The dreadful trouble you went through for someone like m-,” I was interrupted.

“Don’t!”

“I- Wha-”

“Don’t say that.” His stern, yet dreary voice, drew me into a dizzied, disrupted state. My mind was fully at a standstill. “I know you’re scared,” I went to protest, yet couldn’t get a word in before he continued. “I’m scared two. You might not understand now, but Earth is such an incredible world.”

The scoff came out harsher than I intended. “You’re delusional. The world isn’t incredible; it hasn’t been for a long while. Us people have corrupted it!”

“Maybe to you, but I can show you how wonderful and absolutely impossible this planet can be. And-and not even just Earth, but any planet, star, time, you name it!” He was on the edge of his seat, a hair’s width from sliding completely off.

“ Are you high or something? What are you even getting at?” I stared, unbelieving, yet somewhere in the back of my brain, a spark went off.

When he saw that flicker in my eyes, he jumped into action. Quickly, and haphazardly, taking out my IV, then jumping up, taking me with him. I stumbled as he dragged me through the halls to a circular room. A beacon of light moving as if it were breathing, and a flurry of buttons, switches, screens, and levers.

He let go suddenly, and I started to fall forward before he steadied me by my shoulders.

“Woah there, I know it's pretty cool, but you don't gotta faint on me.” He joked with a newfound confidence that has seemed to develop after the vulnerability he showed earlier. “So, did my proposal ignite any passion in that little ol’ body of yours?”

My face started to flush, whether from my current condition of confusion, or the comment, we’ll never know. ‘Wait! Wait! Wait!” I backed up to sit on some steps before the whiplash would make me lose my balance. “P-Proposal!?” I choked out, “What proposal?”

“To come with me of course! To show you the universe and more!” He flung his arms around as if to gesture to the weird room we were in. “ Any time, any place! You name it!”

“Wait? You were serious? You mean it wasn't some huge metaphor about living your life and yada yada?” Somehow his clarification seemed to calm me no matter how whimsical his words were.

“Oh, metaphors, useless old things they are.” he gave a face of disgust, “They just beat around the bush, if you have something to say just say it?” He continued to ramble to - mostly - himself.

“I mean how is that even possible?! You must be some sort of crazy crackhead! Yeah that’s it.” I tried to convince myself, yet deep down it was like a strange connection was telling me he’s speaking the truth.

‘Oi! I am not a crackhead!”

My still exhausted body and my swirling emotions finally reached their peak, and I finally bursted.

“I don’t even know you!” My body, coated in a blanket of hysteria, belted so loud, it echoed around the mechanical room.

“Ah. Well, that’s easily fixed. I’m The Doctor. Time Lord, Traveler of space and time. Now you.” He trailed off, and stuck his hand out, awaiting an introduction and a shake of the hand. Quite formal considering the absolute insanity we’ve already been through.

I stuttered for a second, hesitantly washing away the hysteria before they both disappeared altogether. I wiped my sweaty palms on the day old jeans I was wearing.

“Edith Turner; you can call me Eddie. Just a boring girl from brooklyn.” As soon as I took hold of his hand, my anxiety, fears, shame, all vanished with a flash.

“All right Eddie!” He sped to the beacon in the center, honestly, now looking at it, it’s probably the control panel, “Where to first!?”

“Anywhere but here, Doctor!”

And with a tug of his arm, the room shook.

“Allons-y! Oi, that’s new?”

With a violent jolt, we were off.

[arielhopepeace]

Part Three

18+ only

Tw: mention of cancer, death, cheating, slight smut, masturbation, age gap

5,500 words

Joel POV

The sun bears down onto my skin, darkening it with its harsh rays as sweat drips from beneath my hard hat. Today is ridiculously sweltering, and honestly making me feel like it should be outlawed to have to work in this type of heat.

My thoughts are enough of a distraction from the fact that I’m cooking out here, though. Ever since I left y/n’s house last night, I haven’t gotten the feel of her body against mine out of my mind. She was so soft, like a cloud that I reached up into the sky and grazed, letting the fog run between my fingertips.

I know that me going out of my way to help her change her locks is just furthering me into the friend-zone with her. It dawned on me that I needed to leave her house once the feeling of needing to kiss her began to build within my stomach, giving me that light tingly feeling of butterflies that I haven’t felt in eons.

Y/n is so effortlessly beautiful, that it makes me feel winded any time I’m around her. I hoped she hadn’t felt my racing heart and trembling hands as we embraced, the close proximity only adding to the apprehension I already had just from being at her house.

My mind was so dead-set on getting to know her, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it would be inappropriate. Isn’t there some sort of rule against dating a student’s parent? Even if I hadn’t already friend-zoned myself, I wouldn’t want Sarah to get involved and either hate her teacher, or have to suffer with losing her if it didn’t work out.

I’ve never thought this far ahead about a woman since my wife, and I know that it’s because y/n is different. Nobody understands the pain I feel, but she does; and she doesn’t give me the pitiful apologies that are only from the surface, they’re from that deep chasm within, as if she’s sympathizing with her younger self as well.

It’s tiring spending all my time thinking about these fabricated ideas of a woman who considers me as nothing more than a student’s father. I’m honestly incredibly nervous to see her again today, even though every part of me can’t wait to gaze upon her perfectly symmetrical face.

After work, I head to the hardware store, buying everything I need in order to change her two locks. I look ridiculously dirty, and I feel grimy from all the dirt and concrete that has gotten kicked up by my boots. There’s wood shavings in my hair as I check myself in my rear view mirror, doing my best to ruffle anything that doesn’t belong out.

“God,” I groan as I shake my head, knowing that she’s going to look perfectly stunning, and I’m going to show up looking like I rolled in the mud.

I send her a text to let her know that I’m here, noticing that all of her windows, and even her front door is wide open. What the hell is she doing that for in this heat?

As I grab my things out of the truck cab, I jump slightly at the sound of y/n greeting me from beside the open door.

“Shit,” I curse lightly, still stretched into the cab, “you scared me.”

“Sorry,” she laughs sheepishly. “I’m just letting you know that it’s really hot in my house. For some reason, my A/C went out some time last night, and I can’t get a guy out here until tomorrow.”

Closing the door, I lean back, finally meeting y/n’s gaze as my mouth instantly dries at the sight of her. Her hair has been pulled up into a loose bun, and she’s wearing nothing but a black bikini. My cock is immediately awake, poking against the prison of my jeans and begging to be let out.

I quickly move the supply bags to in front of me, hoping to shield the ridiculous, embarrassing erection that has popped up.

“Oh, uh, I could take a look at that, too,” I finally answer.

My god, what am I, fucking fifteen?

Y/n cocks her head slightly, “I couldn’t ask you to do that for me on top of the locks.”

“Actually,” I begin as we walk toward the house, “you didn’t ask me to do either. I offered both.”

She giggles from behind me, prompting a smirk to spread onto my face. “Please, let me get you a beer or something.”

I set my things down by the front door, watching as she walks away into the stifling house. My eyes are on her hips, watching them swing side to side, her ass having the perfect bounce to it. Gazing at her doesn’t alleviate the uncomfortable situation in my jeans, forcing me to reluctantly turn my eyes away to focus on the task at hand.

As I begin to unscrew the current doorknob, y/n twists open the beer, sitting across from me in the house as I rest on the doorstep. She places the bottle next to me on the living room floor, my eyes desperately trying to not stare at her chest. I don’t think she realizes how attractive she is, and how attracted I am to her. I’ve never been the type of guy to objectify a woman by any means, I just am dumbfounded by her looks.

“Did you have a good day?” she asks sweetly, her voice so charming and gentle.

“It was so hot today,” I wipe my sweaty forehead on my dirtied shirt. “But yeah, it was okay. How about you? How was school?”

“It was good,” she nods with a small smile. “I’m having the kids write a non-fiction essay for English. Nothing super long, but I just want to know where their writing is at.”

“An essay?” I chuckle. “Sarah will be thrilled,” I tell her sarcastically.

“Actually,” y/n laughs, “she said she was excited. I asked her what she wanted to write about, and she picked you.”

My hands stop their work, pinning my gaze to hers as a smile forces my lips apart. “I’ll never understand why that girl loves me so much, but she makes me feel like the luckiest dad in the world.”

Her face goes soft with admiration, her brows fitted together with a smile on her supple lips. “I don’t think I’ve ever known a kid to love their parent so much. Well, maybe except for me,” she teases. “Some kids in my class don’t even have parents for various reasons. I’ve looked into all of my students, just to make sure I don’t bring up any rough subjects on accident, or maybe in a story.”

I continue unscrewing the knob, beaming wide. “That’s so nice of you, and incredibly smart.”

“Well, you kind of have to be smart to be a teacher, don’t you?” she laughs lightly.

“Oh, for sure. I think you’re the perfect person for that job.”

“You do?”

“Of course,” I chuckle. “You’re overly nice, compassionate, considerate, eager to understand. All the kids love you for a reason, y/n.”

Her hand brushes against my leg, patting it gently just above my knee. “You’re sweet, Joel. What would I do without you filling my head with all of these compliments?”

A sharp, unexpected laugh leaves me. “Maybe you’d have a smaller head.”

She gapes at me as she giggles, smacking my arm playfully. “Oh, shut up. I don’t seem conceited, do I?”

“God, no,” I laugh. “I’m only teasing. You have a perfectly normal shaped head; physically and metaphorically.”

Finally, I’m able to pop in the new doorknob, taking a few sips of beer before resuming my task.

“How do you know how to do all of this?” she asks from beside me.

“Well, working in construction helps, but I also just like to be handy. I’ve done a lot of extensive research on repairs and mechanical things, even cars. I probably could tell you what was wrong with your A/C too since you want to work me to death out here.”

Y/n laughs with her head tilted back. “You’re more than welcome to use my pool once you’re done, it’s where I’m headed to soon.”

“Ah, no. I’m so dirty from work, I’d rather take a shower.”

“You can use my shower, too. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

If only she were an option. I can’t stop imagining kissing her as I run my fingers across her smooth skin, savoring every push of her lips. Jesus christ, what’s wrong with me? That uncomfortable situation has returned, making me shift in order to shield my tented jeans.

“Has Sam been back?” I ask, deciding to change the subject away from whatever led me to my dirty thoughts.

“No,” she shakes her head. “And I’m glad he hasn’t. I have an appointment tomorrow to get looked at. Hopefully they can tell me that nothing’s wrong with me, because I was up late last night freaking out about it.”

“I’m sorry that you have to worry about that. He’s—” my voice trails off, deciding not to let my personal opinions of him be said. “You just deserve better than that.”

“Yeah, well,” she sighs, “I’ll find it one day, won’t I?”

I nod. “Of course you will.”

After finishing both of the knobs, the sun still has yet to set, allowing me enough light to check out her A/C unit. Y/n follows me, my eyes immediately locking onto the problem before me.

���My god,” I mutter as I crouch down, placing my finger beneath a cut wire. “Somebody cut it.”

Y/n places her hands on her hips. “Cut it?!” she shouts. “Gee, I wonder who would’ve manipulated my house that I have to pay rent for alone,” her voice drips with sarcasm.

“You really think Sam did this?” I ask as I gaze up at her.

“Of course he did,” she shakes her head. “He knows I’d have to pay a ton of money to get it fixed. He’s being spiteful because I kicked him out. I honestly wish I knew where he was staying so I could slash his fucking tires.”

I can’t help but laugh at her foul language, her sudden spark of anger only making me adore her more. “Nah, don’t stoop to his level. I can fix this for you right now for no charge.”

“Joel, please let me repay you somehow. Can you at least let me make you dinner tonight?”

“It’s already almost seven-thirty. Are you sure?”

Y/n nods vehemently. “I’m positive. I haven’t eaten yet, anyway.”

“How about I get this fixed up, go home, take a shower and change, then I’ll come back.”

“Will you bring a swimsuit? I’ll make you steak,” she says in a sing-songy voice.

A small chuckle pushes past my lips. “Sure, fine.”

Y/n does a giddy clap and bounce, her breasts moving in her top and I immediately advert my eyes, standing as I go to grab different tools out of my truck.

“Are you a good ol’ steak and potato kind of guy?” y/n giggles.

I close my truck door, walking back to the A/C unit as I laugh. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“Okay, so steak, potato, beer, and football?”

“Any sport is fine with me, actually,” I laugh. “You make me sound so ‘suburban dad’.”

She crosses her arms. “You are a suburban dad, Joel.”

“Okay, touché,” I chuckle. “Do you think I’m mundane?”

“No!” she responds quickly and with immediate passion. “Why would I want to invite you over for dinner if I thought you were dull?”

“To be polite,” my face splits with a grin.

“You are the furthest from mundane, Joel. I promise you.” She rests her hand on my shoulder, electrifying me. “And how do you like your steak cooked?”

“Medium rare, but really I’m good with anything.”

Y/n tsks at me. “If the hard working man wants medium rare, then he’ll get medium rare,” she giggles. I’ll see you later, okay? I’m gonna start on dinner.”

“Thank you so much, y/n. Really.”

“Please, it’s the least I can do.”

My eyes follow her, admiring the dip in her back and the way her thighs rub together as she walks away, shaking my head in disbelief at her beauty once again, forcing myself to concentrate.

In the shower at home, my right hand grips my hard cock as the other rests against the wall, my wet fingertips digging into the slippery tile. My chest heaves as I pant, feeling so close already just from the memory of y/n in that goddamn bathing suit.

The swell of her ass, the curve of her waist, and the fullness of her breasts all haunt me in the best way. My eyes clamp tightly shut as I groan, wishing it was y/n’s cunt squeezing me instead of my own palm.

“Fuck,” I moan, my balls tightening as my orgasm reaches its pinnacle.

A choked groan catches in my throat, my head thrown back as I cry out into the shower ceiling above, shooting my release down towards the drain. I keep my hand wrapped around myself as I slump forward, feeling winded from the intense rush of euphoria.

I haven’t been affected by a woman this way since high school. Never in my adult life have I been so attracted to someone, that I needed to cum in the shower just to alleviate my pent up sexual frustration. I feel like y/n has put some witchy spell on me that has turned me into this unrecognizable, ravenous, depraved man.

When I’m back in my bedroom, I decide to dress casually, but still attempting to look decently nice. I toss on a gray t-shirt and dark blue jeans, doing my best to tame my hair just a bit. Grabbing my cologne, I spray a little bit onto my neck and chest, rubbing my hands along the fabric to press the mist into it.

Before I leave, I grab my swim trunks, hesitating on bringing a shirt. Will y/n think I’m weird if I wear one? I’m just hyper-aware of my body now that I know what her very recent ex looks like. He’s the type of guy who’s a personal trainer, and I’m the one who guys urge to go to the gym.

Deciding to not bring an extra shirt, I head out the door, knowing that Sarah is probably watching a movie at Mrs. Fredrick’s house next door. I feel a little guilty for dumping her there to be with y/n, but I know neither of them mind. It just makes me feel like a bad father.

As I park in the driveway at y/n’s house, I’m relieved to see that her front door and all the windows are closed. Hopefully that means the air stayed working after I left. I’m not sure why I feel nervous as I walk up to her house with my swim trunks gripped into my palm, but I can’t shake the feeling.

My knuckles gently rap against the metal door, y/n’s voice shouting out for me to come in. I push it open, instantly being greeted by the smell of food that makes my stomach roll over with agonizing hunger.

“It smells amazing,” I say as I approach the kitchen, seeing that she’s still in her two piece, making my neck tense.

“Oh, thank you,” she answers happily as she pulls something out of the oven. “You can have a seat, I’m just finishing up.”

Y/n wobbles a bit, my brows furrowing together. “Are you okay?”

“I may have had three glasses of wine while I cooked, but I promise I’m fine,” she giggles. “Let me get you a beer.”

She glides over to the table, setting a bottle down in front of me before she twists the top off, taking the cap with her. I gulp down over half of the bottle, hoping it’ll settle the nervousness that has made its way into my sternum.

Y/n easily makes her way beside me holding two plates, setting the one with a bigger steak in front of me. “Hope you’re hungry,” she says as she gazes down at me.

My eyes briefly flick down her body, then back down to my plate. “Starving.”

She perches on the chair next to me, smiling brightly before she begins to cut into her meat. “Did you bring your bathing suit?”

I nod, cutting into my ribeye to see a perfectly pink center. “I did,” I chuckle. “The steak looks perfect, by the way.”

Y/n sips at some water from a wine glass, bobbing her head as she swallows. “I told you that you’ll get what you asked for.”

“You followed through.”

Her arms gesture around. “And so did you. My house feels amazing, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I smile at her. “I don’t mean to pry, but are you going to be okay here? Like, will you genuinely be able to pay your rent?”

“Oh, yeah,” she nods. “Sam was just being a dick and saying I wouldn’t be able to, but I think I can. I might have to budget a little and stop drinking wine,” y/n laughs, “but I’ll be fine. Thank you, Joel.”

“Well, of course. I wouldn’t want you to be out of a place to live.”

Y/N’s eyes narrow playfully. “Would you have a way to fix that, too?”

I chuckle, shrugging. “I’d find a way.”

“Because you are Mr. Solution To Everything,” she laughs, flashing that impeccable smile. “Forgive me for being a bit tipsy, I got a call from my ex mother-in-law while you were gone.”

“Oh,” I shift, “what did she say?”

“Just that she’s glad we’re not together anymore, and that her Sammy deserved better than me from the start. She said I’m too young and immature for him. The worst part is, she wouldn’t even let me get a word in, so I couldn’t tell her what a fucking cunt she is.”

A shocked guffaw flies from my throat, my eyes widening. “You’re bold when you’ve been drinking.”

Y/n’s palm slaps against her mouth. “I’m so sorry. I keep forgetting that I’m your daughter’s teacher and I can’t just talk to you any way I want.” She places her hand on my arm. “Forgive me.”

“Please,” I scoff, “I don’t care how you talk to me, y/n. You could say anything and it wouldn’t make me think of you any differently.”

Her eyes are on mine, a smirk playing at her lips. “And how do you think of me?”

Is she flirting with me?

Doing my best to remain collected, I smile back at her, dabbing my mouth with a napkin. “Fondly.”

“Hm,” she giggles carelessly, drinking more of her water. “I’m glad my messy life hasn’t made you think that I’m also a mess.”

“No, not at all. I’m just happy I was able to comfort you when you needed it.”

Y/n wiggles in her chair, finishing up her steak before she pushes her plate away. “I have a surprise. It’s not a big deal, and I’m not even sure you’ll like it.”

My brows scoop up with interest. “Okay,” I smile, “show me.”

She leaves the table, walking to the fridge to retrieve a small tray, presenting it in front of me as she returns. In y/n’s hands on a plastic platter are a dozen vanilla cupcakes topped with strawberry icing, as well as a small berry placed in the center of each. They’re so ornate yet delicate and charming.

“My god, those are adorable,” my eyes meet hers. “And they look amazing. You really did too much for me, y/n. I mean it.”

She sets the dessert down on the table, taking her seat again. “I still feel like it isn’t enough. You saved me hundreds of dollars today just out of the kindness of your heart, and I’ve made you dinner and cupcakes.”

I laugh, reaching out my hand to rest it gently over hers. “And it’s all perfect and delicious. You don’t have to do anything else for me, I promise you. You didn’t even have to do anything, anyway. I wanted to help you.”

“Why are you so kind?”

My posture straightens as I blink at her, unsure of how to answer that question. How do I explain that I’d do anything for her because I find her so fucking perfect, without sounding like a lunatic? I’ve known her for three days, and I’d be more than willing to build her a brand new house with my own two hands. What in god’s name has this woman done to me? How has she made me feel such a vast array of emotions in only a few days?

“You’re easy to be kind to,” I finally respond, giving her a soft smile before I continue eating my delicious meal.

After dinner, I’m standing in the bathroom, gazing at my reflection in the mirror. My body isn’t at all where I’d like it to be physically, and I now feel suddenly incredibly panicked about going swimming with my shirt off. The muscle definition I used to have in my stomach is gone, and the lean physique I used to sport is starting to wane, as well. I wouldn’t classify myself as overweight, but definitely out of shape.

Sliding my shirt back on as I let out an uneasy sigh, I leave the bathroom, walking out the sliding glass door to see y/n with her feet in the pool and the tray of cupcakes beside her.

I chuckle as I sit onto the rough lip of the pool, plunging my feet into the warm water. “Cupcakes and swimming?”

She turns to me as she nods. “That whole thing about getting a stomach ache if you swim after eating is a myth, you know.”

“I’m a dad, of course I know,” I laugh, picking up one of the desserts.

My fingers carefully peel the paper back, opening it just enough for my mouth to sink into the soft treat. The strawberry icing bursts in my mouth, being offset by the delectable, mellow, vanilla cake beneath it.

“God,” I groan, “you’re so good at baking, y/n. These are amazing.”

Her eyes are on me as she gives me a small smile. “Thank you. I wasn’t sure what kind you’d like. You seem like more of a chocolate kind of guy,” she giggles.

“When it comes to desserts, I’m not picky.”

She nods, still gazing at me. “That’s good to know.”

I bite into the fresh strawberry at the top, discarding the leafy bits onto the tray along with my empty cupcake wrapper. “Thank you,” I say as I swallow.

Y/n laughs as she looks at me, leaning forward to wipe the tip of my nose with her thumb. “You have frosting on your nose,” she giggles.

She places the pad of her thumb into her mouth, sucking the freshly removed frosting off as she keeps her eyes on me. That arousal she gives me returns, making me shift where I sit, and this time, I don’t have something as restricting as jeans and briefs, only swim trunks.

“I’m gonna get in,” I say quickly, standing to walk to the stairs in the shallow end.

“Are you going to wear your shirt?” she asks with her head cocked.

“Oh, um—” my voice trails off, my eyes adverted away from her gaze, “I’m just more comfortable with it on, I think.”

“Hey, that’s okay,” she says softly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that.”

“No,” I laugh, standing near the stairs still, “I guess I’ve just grown to not really enjoy my dad bod.”

Why am I always so painfully vulnerable with her?

Y/n is standing up, the water splashing slightly as she removes her feet from the pool. She walks towards me, giving me a small smile before getting into the water in front of me.

“I wouldn’t judge you, Joel, but please do what makes you the most comfortable.”

Letting out a determined sigh, I slide off my shirt, tossing it aside as I step into the ridiculously warm and inviting water. Y/n walks over to the cupcakes that sit at the edge, gesturing for me to join her and grab another one.

Once I’m beside her, we stay quiet as our eyes are locked, each of us taking a bite of our cupcakes. With a small laugh, I wipe the frosting that has now gotten onto her nose. Setting my dessert to the side, I suck the frosting off my thumb just as she did, seeing if she really has been flirting with me this whole time.

Y/n smirks, taking another bite of her treat as she leaves a bit of the icing at the corner of her mouth. I go to remove it with my finger, but she moves her head away, shaking it.

With just the darkened look in her eyes alone, I know exactly the game she’s playing at. I lean in to her, keeping my breathing even as I swipe my tongue slowly up the corner of her lips. My body feels ignited from my bold move, and her devilish chuckle assures me that that was precisely what she wanted me to do.

I’m suddenly tossing every worry, moral, and negative thought out the window as I eagerly take her lips against mine. Her wet, bikini covered breasts press against my bare chest, her fingers dancing into my hair as I slide my tongue along hers.

I could easily be dreaming right now, and just have a painfully hard dick when I wake up. But I’m not. This is fucking real.

Y/n wraps her legs around my waist, allowing me to hold her beneath the water as my hands drift down to the perfect ass I haven’t been able to get my eyes off of.

“Joel,” she breathes as she pulls away, my lips trailing down her soft, spacious throat. “You’re so hot. I want you so bad.”

“Shh,” I coo, nipping at her flesh, “just enjoy this.”

My mouth finds hers once again, her hands running down my torso to where I’m fully hard for her. I can’t help but let out a small groan at the feeling of her palm against me, my hips involuntarily thrusting up into it.

“I need you,” y/n whines softly. “Please.”

I chuckle, swiping my tongue up her ear before taking the lobe between my teeth. “What do you need me for, hm? Tell me, angel, what is it?”

Her chest heaves against mine, her hand still rubbing against me through my swim trucks. “Everything. I need you for everything.”

My hands move around to the front of her swim suit, lifting the top off to reveal the breasts that I’ve been so desperate to see; to have my mouth on. I carry her over to the steps, setting her down on a higher one as I close my lips around one of her nipples.

She yelps, fisting at the hair on the back of my head. I pull the pearled center between my teeth, gazing up at her to see her hazy eyes meeting mine. I do the same to the other one, my fingers keeping the nipple I just left company by pinching it gently.

“This fucking bathing suit has been driving me crazy all goddamn day,” I rasp, dragging my tongue up her chest to her neck. “You’ve been just begging me to fuck you, haven’t you?”

“Yes,” she answers quietly. “Yes, please. It’s all I want.”

“My god, me too. Thought about that pretty little cunt in the shower before I got here,” I admit, dropping my hand down below the water line to rub her through her bottoms.

Y/n’s head falls back, her body a writhing, panting, half-naked, fucked out mess and I haven’t even been inside of her.

“Did you want me when you first saw me?” I ask as I continue to circle her clit through the fabric.

“Yes!” she cries. “You’re so fucking hot, Joel. I’ve wanted you since I met you at the park.”

Her words fuel the already raging fire within my stomach, wanting desperately to be buried inside of her right now. “Good. I want to keep you this desperate for me.” My fingers stop, bringing them up to adjust her bikini top back onto her reddened breasts.

“What? No, no, no. Please!” y/n begs, gripping at my wrists. “Why are you stopping? Please don’t stop.”

I chuckle, leaning in to kiss her firmly with a quick swipe of my tongue. “A few reasons,” I say between kisses. “One, you’re a bit tipsy and two, don’t you have that appointment to get checked out tomorrow? I don’t think you have anything, but it would be nice to know, wouldn’t it?”

Her brows are furrowed with desperation as she hangs her head. “Oh, my god, Joel. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think about that.”

“Hey,” I say gently as I pick her chin up to meet my gaze, “don’t apologize, sweet girl. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment.”

“And I’m not too tipsy. The alcohol just helped me make that little jump towards you,” she says with reddened lips and cheeks.

My mouth presses against hers again, savoring the cupcake flavor on her sweet tongue. “I’m glad you did. I just would rather go further when we’re both completely ourselves.” I inwardly kick myself. “Is that stupid?”

“No,” she beams as she cups my face in her hands, “not at all. You’re an amazing, sweet man, Joel. And oh my god, you’re hot as fuck.”

I laugh loudly, gently running my nose along hers. “Yeah? I’ve thought that exact same thing about you since I met you.”

Her eyes run down my body. “And you have such a great body. I really don’t see what you do, but I understand the way you feel.”

“Well, I’m glad you like it,” I chuckle. “I guess I was just comparing myself to Sam and felt—inadequate.”

Y/n rolls her eyes as she scoffs. “Oh, fuck Sam. He was the first guy I was ever with that looked like that, and I promise you that isn’t what first attracted me to him.”

“Really? What was?”

“He was kind and he made me laugh, the looks were just a bonus.”

I chuckle. “And what attracted you to me?”

Y/n hums with a warm grin, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Everything.”

On the short drive home, I have a ridiculous smile that hasn’t removed itself from my face since I left y/n’s. Every single moment about tonight was perfect; from the food, the dessert, the pool, her lips, her body, the way she whined for me, and the compliments she gave me. I couldn’t have made a better night up in my head.

After getting an exhausted Sarah from the neighbor’s house, I tuck her in to bed, planting a kiss onto her forehead before leaving and returning to my bedroom. There’s a text on my phone from y/n, and I open it immediately.

Y/n

10:00pm

Thank you for coming over for dinner, and for stopping what I never could’ve. I’d feel horrible if I gave you something just because Sam is a piece of shit and I can’t control my body around you.

10:10pm

I’m glad you can’t control it around me. Let me control it for you. You’ll find out tomorrow whether or not you have something, so try not to worry. I really think you’ll be fine, but it would just be safer this way. Thanks to you, I have to go stock up on condoms for the first time since college.

Y/n

10:12pm

Joel, are you telling me that you haven’t had sex since your wife passed away?

10:13pm

Is that a turn off for you?

Y/n

10:15pm

Oh, my god, no! I just hope I fulfill your nine year dry spell, is all. That’s a lot of pressure lol. Also, maybe if I don’t have anything, we could go without the condoms? I’m on birth control.

My neck tenses as I imagine feeling y/n in all of her natural glory. A twitch runs to my cock, making my stomach twist with arousal.

10:16pm

Absolutely no pressure. I can already tell that you’re gonna be a lot of fun. And yeah, that’s more than fine with me. Guess the condoms will live to see another day lol.

Y/n

10:20pm

Lol, goofball. Good night, Joel.

10:21pm

Good night, y/n.

****

[daegulinekush]

The death of peace fo mind

~ a Kim Taehyugn Fanfiction

Chapter two: ★ It scares me sometimes. the emptiness I see in my own eyes ★

Contains: trauma, we getting OC backstory, minor character death, mentions of bullying, generally sad and angsty chapter

The pounding of my head is something I can’t get over. It feels like my head is split in two, like all of the regrets in my life are coming back to me to entirely shatter my brain, breaking the chains I so forcefully put on them, just to grasp at me with their sharp as knives claws, shadow like demons, with no clear nor touchable form, yet oh so real that they make blood come to the surface with just a mere brush of their claws.

I always hated getting drunk. After the adrenaline seeps away from the veins and the euphory of never-ending laughter leaves my body, there is nothing but my joke of a soul left behind, trimmed to shreds of the person I could have been if things were to be different.

It’s morbid, really, the place my mind can become. I don’t like the way self-pity tends to swallow me, the way heavy clouds are pulled as thick curtains over me and burn my lungs as I try to breathe.

Life is a joke and it should be treated as such: light-hearted and fun. The moment should be lived to the max and, above it all, taking life too seriously will always lead to suddenly realizing we have just one life and we’ve been wasting each breath with worries instead of taking things as they are. Life passes and worrying about everything has never been benefic. Regrets are useless as you can’t change the past.

Yet, in moments like these, I can’t help but mourn the person I could have been. Would I have been better? Would I be less snappy, would my life lack so many hardships if she was there?

The ache and emptiness in my chest feel way too common, too known. A deeply etched wound, one that refuses to close, to heal, one that will always keep a part of me hollow, empty. It is inevitable, a constant mourning I can merely push at the back of my head and ignore. One that will never truly stop, not until my last breath, maybe not even after that.

Ah, the way my head feels like it’s gonna split in two.

With a heavy breath and aching eyes from the very back of my head, I rub at my face, vaguely surprised to remark no remains of my makeup from yesterday on my palms. Tae probably cleaned my face after I basically blacked out from tiredness. It makes warmth and fondness bloom in my heart inevitably, always so tender, always so careful. He’s truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Reaching for my phone, the light up of the screen makes the pain in my eyeballs even harsher, forcing me to blink owlishly. The text from him is what makes me stubbornly focus on my screen.

“Taebear: Good morning, bestie <3 I’m at Chim’s. Bet your head is pounding. I truly should stop both of your stubborn asses from drinking together ever again. Y’all never know when to stop”

It leaves a faint smile on my lips inevitably. He’s truly the best thing to have ever happened to me. He’s been there for me when not even I could be there for myself, believed in me when I couldn’t see even one good thing in myself.

It brings memories back, forces them to seep through the too-thin barriers I forcefully raised, my brain too tired, wires too entangled to be able to push them back. The kind of memories that make your eyes sting, the type of memories nobody should have.

It feels so heavy, the press and burn of my lungs, the way I can still feel the metallic scent of blood, so unfit for the one of camellias she wore, as if I was still there, as if years have not passed at all, as if I remained a mere not even 14 years old all over again.

Closing my eyes on instinct makes it even worse.

In moments like these, with new starts, it truly feels inevitable to not wonder, to not live again that moment when my life changed irremediably.

Most of my memories are blurry while also having moments of concerning clarity.

There had been too much going on. I was barely starting my rebellious phase, the one every teenager should have the luxury of, one so important for simply discovering yourself as a person.

My mom had never been the type to keep a tight grasp on me. She was just like me while also being so different, with her small smile that feels so blurred at the corners of my memories, with the warmth she always carried, with the harsh lines over her face when she frowned, somehow her eyes so tired, the worries so deeply etched onto her features.

I was just 13, almost 14. I needed her more than I could have ever anticipated, needed her safety, needed the ridiculous fights every teenage girl should have with her parents.

Life had never been easy but maybe I was too stubborn to truly understand her words, just to later hang on so heavily onto each and every one of them, wishing for more, wishing the times when she would scold me could be there again, wishing for things that are impossible, like being able to remember her better.

It’s getting close to that time of the year again. The time when leaves fall, the time when green turns into yellow and burning dark brown. With time passing, inevitably the wound forces its ugly roots to pump poison into me all over again, forces me to grieve all over again, forces me back to that clueless and scared 13-year-old.

I can still hear my distorted screams, somewhat clogged, the images of my memory carrying blurred edges and even more blurred little spots along my vision.

I can feel and see it just the way I’ve lived through it.

The way her trembling hands gripped onto the counter of the kitchen, her back for the first time in my whole life not being straight shoulders and intimidatingly perfect control, but a weak hunch, bowed and looking more like a fragile leaf than the woman who has raised me with such strong beliefs. The one who's been the very example of how I wished to be, even if right now I know I can't hold a mere candle to her, the one who somehow in all of the chaos that was our lives made it home and safe and the best I could have asked for.

It's heartbreaking, truly. The way I have so many memories of her, so much warmth to remember, yet my heart becomes hollow just thinking of her, the memory that pops in my mind when I think of her is the warm feeling of blood and her body becoming cold, it's the way her eyes became more and more unfocused without becoming glassy and the whisper of "I'm proud of you", words I will forever cherish, but will probably never be able to agree with.

In all of the chaos of a father who wasn't a dad and not just gave up on both me and her, but also forced her to make a home out of chaos for the both of us, made us run and hide, unwilling to even admit to his mistakes and instead trying so hard to get rid of every evidence that could point to the obvious.

An unwanted child. This is what I was for him and not even that. I was a problem, the fact that I was the only person carrying his cursed DNA.

Yet, I was kept so tightly in the grip of her, a woman better than I could ever be, even if she herself raised me, more or less struggling, more or less alone.

The only thing I know is that it could be worse. That on that day, four years ago, I could have had a worse fate, one less mercyful, one that would have made the mistake of my genes my supposed legal guardian and not guard me against anything but leave just a shell behind, one that wouldn't have lasted long before rotting and turning to ashes.

The police station is the thing I remember in a blur after calling the emergency number desperately, refusing to believe the obvious that had not been obvious at all until it was too late and it hit me in full force.

The worst day of my life, the reason for most of my nightmares. One that I remember just in uglily cut parts, like a bad old movie I wasn't somehow part of, not in the true sense. A tragedy with no meaning, lower than any character changing, a mere filler put there to fill an episode for more money in the pockets without any regard for how it will affect.

The thing about being at the police station while in shock is that you have selective hearing. Or so I wish to call it. The automatic responses to the questions, the narration but yet not enough settled memories to process them, the refusal, the unbelief of what has happened. I refused to believe it that night.

Someone normal might have cried, maybe. This is how people show their sadness, their anger, their deepest emotions. And yet, I was empty. I couldn't feel anything or I felt so much to the point I became numb.

I remember being cold, I remember it being late November, I remember voices blending in the background and questions flying above my head as soon as I responded. I couldn't process anything.

I remember the way the place felt so much like a hospital or any other institution associated with such pain and loss, loss of yourself even, of your time, your mental health, your very soul sucked from you, the hallways endless, the floors as clean and as dirty as any other place of such, the walls so light they make your eyes burn and wish they’d rather kill themselves. It’s just something sickening about those common yet so rare places, something that simply screams at you to get out while feeling timeless. Maybe this is exactly the reason one feels like being driven insane by them. Or, at least, I did.

Then, somehow, a little bit of emotion, of mercy came in a form I didn’t expect, I didn’t even think about, but I should of have in all honesty.

It was the walk of a small, delicate-looking woman at first, her long hair and the way she walked, always hurried and always seemingly needing to be somewhere. The second giveaway was the way she gasped when her warm eyes gazed upon me, arms already open, already reaching for me.

She was beaten by a mere hair by the only one man I could say has never disappointed me, the one I trust my very life to, the one I would put my heart in the hands of and would be sure he wouldn’t be so cruel to claw at it.

Warm, Taehyung has always been so warm, since we were kids, even if we never got to stay more than a month together at a time before that moment. His arms were wrapped tightly around me, such a tight grip, and he was pulling me closer as if I would crumble if he didn’t, like this was the only way to keep my supposedly broken pieces together. He was sniffling already, eyes red and bangs falling into his eyes, wide and with so much emotion in them, so much that maybe, maybe just at that moment, the switch that has been pulled within me had been finally gently switched by his fingertips, because after so many hours, I could feel my cheeks becoming wet, the heartache I have been forcing down unknowingly, sobs threatening to rip through my lips. I tried so hard to keep them down, bit my lip until I almost drew blood, and yet, they were trembling so bad, I was trembling so bad that I simply couldn’t stop them.

I remember the blinding lights becoming less blinding, my face hidden at his chest. He was wearing a light brown hoodie, and I haven’t properly seen him in two years, to the point I almost couldn’t recognize him, how much he’s grown, lanky long limbs and slowly sharpening features. He became even taller, as if he wasn’t already taller than me since we were ten, to the point where I reached his shoulder.

Yet, he remained unexplainably Taehyung, my Taehyung, my childhood friend. The same friend I ran from dusk till down with at the farm, the same guy who carried me on his back and stumbled when we were just five because I scratched my knees badly and was crying, the same friend I slept cuddled with in the same bed for so many nights.

At that point, it was everything I needed: the way he held me so tightly, the breakings of his in transformation voice and weird way it sounded when he whispered it’ll be okay, that I’m not alone. It was even more ridiculous considering we were standing on two very uncomfortable chairs or, better said, were almost entirely crumbling them with our fussing.

The blanket wrapped later around my shoulders was the same light brown, soft and warm, his mother handing it to him and going to talk to the police officers.

Maybe just then did it hit me how actually dangerous this situation was for me, for my future. I couldn’t end up in my father’s hands, not when he’s already caused so much pain to my mother, not when everything I knew regarding him was closer to a monster than a human, not when I knew he had a wife home, not when I knew of the harsh words he had told my mother, not when he was already such an absent figure from my life, one that I didn’t and couldn’t trust.

Fear. I could feel it all through my body, the trembling, the shivers, the anxiety building within. Would I even be listened to? Would they even ask me where I wanna go or will I be forced to just go with him as supposedly my only parent alive? Did I truly have no word to say and they’ll just decide for me, will make such an important decision and shove it down my throat as if I’m simply supposed to just accept living under the same roof with someone I can’t suffer, someone who has literally told my own mother she should have aborted me, someone who acted as if I decided to ruin your life, as if I decided to exist, as if he didn’t have any fault in all of this story, as if he didn’t have a whole relationship with my mother without ever telling her he’s married?

It was a concept I couldn’t grasp, I refused to. But me and Taehyung, knowing each other for so long, had a special connection, knew how to read each other, or maybe he’s always simply had this talent, the one where he can tell what I’m feelings, the one where he can anticipate what I’m thinking about in some moments.

“We won’t let him take you. Mom would drag this whole police station to hell before she’d let any of them get their hands on you, dear. You’re gonna come with us. You have to. There’s no other way”

He was so sure, so sure I will go back home with them, with him and his mother.

Two days. It took around two days for all of the mess to merely be talked over so I could at least get out of that depressing place. The flight had been long and very sudden for them too, but they were here, for me.

Another two months went in a blur, but I was let to stay with them, at least.

It was a whole another level of hell. To have to face my father, to prove he’s got not right over me by my mother’s signature, which I didn’t even know in the first place was already arranged between those two women, but God bless their anticipation and planificatory skills.

Things ended up the best it could have happened for such a context, with me going to Korea with Taehyung and his mom, even as I didn’t know much words of the language as we were so used to communicating in Japanese.

Everything was new, but at least I wasn't alone. Even if it wasn't easy, even if many times I wondered if it's even worth it in the first place, if I can continue.

Many things have happened along those four and a half years we've been living together. It didn't feel like I was an outsider, like I didn't belong. It took time to adapt, to interact properly with Taehyung's siblings, to get used to the life here. We had our ridiculous fights, more or less serious, more or less dramatic. His mom feels like my own too, always so warm and yet knowing exactly when to be stern, when to get a tighter grasp on us, when to be our friend and laugh with us and when to shake us to reality.

It's not like I didn't have the time to mourn. I guess I just simply never felt ready to do it properly.

Maybe this is exactly why even when I feel like there's no hope, there is still a part of me that betrays me, that lets it linger. Because I've always had Taehyung. Because we got each other's back when people were bullying us, because my temperament had always spiked when someone targeted him, because I simply couldn't let him all alone. Many times had his mother been called and asked to come to highschool, been repeated I have problems with my behavior and that I become violent.

She tried, she truly tried to instill the gentleness within me. Her and my own mother were very different on those sides. 

To say it didn’t work was an understatement. Especially when it was the period where I finally met Jimin, who was just as mad as me at the world when Taehyung was being mistreated and we more or less formed a protection squad around him.

It had been just me and Taehyung at first, but I have always been happy about him having other friends than me. When Taehyung had told me over the phone he met Jimin, I was happy. When he told me they’re soulmates, I have been not so sure, as I didn’t want him to get hurt if things go the wrong way. Then, I met Jimin myself, who’s so different, whom I have totally another type of interaction with. Yet, no matter how much we bully each other, I know he’s always got my back. I know this man will not hesitate to entirely make someone regret their lives if necessarily.

Taehyung will always remain my best friend, my childhood, my support person and everything good in my life. Maybe it’s just natural to be like that, for him to be everything for me considering he’s always been there for me, like a brother I could simply always count on, no matter how far away.

Jimin was… my biggest critique. In the best of ways. The type to realize I’ve got enough sugar coating, the type to balance it out, the type to tell me I actually look like shit when I do, to grab me by the shoulders and entirely restyle me, refusing to let me out of the house until I look jaw dropping. He’s a big supporter, somehow sweeter, but he’s also rougher in that way that simply fits. Because he’ll be there to wipe my tears away and would know to choose his words carefully, but he’d also call me stupid when it’s needed. The same guy who taught me how to throw a punch properly, the same guy who taught me how to fight even when Taehyung was so against it, knowing I’ve got the spirit in me, knowing I needed the knowledge as to not hurt myself.

Jimin is someone I didn’t think I needed in my life, but also someone I would not let go of and I’m very lucky to have as a friend. Someone whom I’ll always be happy that met my very soul and keeps taking care of it, the only person besides me whom I trust entirely to care for Taehyung, maybe even more, because I won’t be enough of a fool to lie to myself that it’s not different. Guys will always talk and understand each other differently, which is completely natural and normal.

Yet, as much as I adore my actual life, I can’t help but wonder sometimes if it would have been different if she was still there. I can’t help but mourn the kid I could have been, can’t help but mourn for all of the memories I could have and the ones I lost and lose with each day.

With each year I forget details about her and it’s disheartening. Who will remember her if I don’t?

Tagging: @parkdatjimin @pamzn 🥰

Author note: This chapter feels quite bland to me and it definitely didn't end the way I wanted but I guess we can't do things the way we wish for everytime 🥺

[wildernessuntothemselves]

as much as i was rooting for oc to end up with taehyun i want her to end up with gyu because he’s just as twisted and sick and manipulative as her and they deserve each other…

like the only reason she regretted going back to gyu was because he wasn’t giving her the attention she wanted. she never cared for hyun and i know there would never have been a time where she could learn to love him and kai knew that from the beginning and i respect why he didn’t like her.

but what gets me is the fact that she had and still has the nerve to say that hyun never loved her or never showed her love when i’m reality that’s all he ever did. he changed for her, he let her in and told her his deepest secrets that no one, including his own brother, knew. he trusted her and although oc might think otherwise, he did, he let her see him in his most vulnerable state. yet she was too caught up in her own self pity that she failed to notice all the things he did to show her love. like hearing how hurt he was when she told him she was going back to gyu how could she not see it. he expressed his love in his own language but because it wasn’t in the way she wanted she just assumed it wasn’t there.

LIKE MY MAN TAE LOST HIS FUCKING EYE FOR HER AND YET SHES CRYING BECAUSE GYU DIDNT KISS HER WHEN HE FIRST SAW HER LIKE WTFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!! that one year with tae really meant nothing to her and i feel so bad for tae because he sacrificed so much for her for nothing pretty much like he was willing to lose his only family for her and she didn’t give a fuck all because he couldn’t physically say the word ‘love’ and he couldn’t afford her luxurious lifestyle

and what hurts is because hyun loves her im scared that more than anything his pride is going to get the best of him and he’s gonna fight to get her back simply because he’s tired of the fact of gyu always getting what he wants. and i don’t want him or kai to get hurt they don’t deserve it after all they’ve been through and i know this little storyline between kai and won might save it from that but still i can’t handle hyun getting more hurt than he already is physically and mentally

i wouldn't say she never cared for tyun. she loved him actually but her love for him was clearly different than her love for gyu.

while i think oc is a deeply flawed and fucked up character, you have to keep in mind her background. she never encountered something like tyun before. the only form of love she ever got from anyone was from gyu and it was so different from the love tyun gave her and so she couldn't really register it as love. maybe it's unfair of her considering everything he did but you have to realize that for someone like her, it didn't feel safe to love taehyun because he was so reserved and kind of an enigma and he tends to lash out and change up when he feels vulnerable. he's not like gyu who would embrace her and coddle her even if he set out to punish her. despite tyun opening up to her, he's still unknowable to her and when the only person around you who is on your side is so unpredictable and can shut himself off at any second, it's incredibly isolating and lonely.

i can attest to this as the taehyun in my relationships. i explain to people why i behave this way and that i actually love them and stuff but over time people still need that verbal reassurance. they still need more and they need me to express my love for them in a language they can understand and i simply cannot do that and so they get hurt in turn. it may seem trivial to you but it's not to her. she's been so unloved her entire life aside from gyu and she needs to have security in the person she loves but instead he comes out and says things like "you have to stay because we're married" he still to the end didn't say he loves her and he went back to saying shit like this instead of "i want you to stay because i need you" because he felt threatened and exposed. i'm not blaming him, i would be the same but you should also keep in mind how language like that would affect someone like oc

she cried because gyu didn't show her attention because he was the ONE person who gave her that kind of love and to have even him turn on her would've been the last blow for her.

the year with taehyun meant a lot to her. she truly loves and cares for him but sadly that year served the opposite function. it just showed her that she can't survive without beomgyu and that she can't handle not having that kind of security and unconditional love because she doesn't have any support system otherwise.

like i said oc is heavily flawed, but i think you're being unfair to her when you say she didn't care about tyun

[the-remarkable-mrs-smith]

So… I am not okay.

The loneliness is getting to me, but I don’t have any close people. I have children (grown) but they are preoccupied with their lives.

Work… is work. I pretend to like it and sometimes I do, but it wears me out. Fucking how would you like to be interrupted agazillion times when you’re just trying to spit a sentence out.

I have trust issues and trauma, so I can’t be in a relationship.

Love myself… ah, yeah, sure. I love me eating by myself. Walking by myself. Doing laundry by myself. Sitting in my house watching TikToks by myself.

It’s not like I don’t have friends, but they aren’t all the time friends. One is, only sometimes when she is ALSO not exhausted by teaching. The other is someone who I call on the way to work.

I’m down to two friends.

Mr. Ewing spent a loving afternoon with me 49 days ago… I am sure I will never see him again. I keep asking. He keeps saying he’s too busy with the “real” people in his life.

I am not “real”.

People are too busy to be with me.

Me… I am only suppose to go to work and whatever outside of that… no one cares or knows about.

I am writing this in bed.

I’m tired and cannot sleep.

I long to be held… or just have someone call me… say hello… watch tv with.

I don’t have anything on me to make this happen.

And why would anyone want to be my friend?

I’m weird.

I seem to be only good for sex (in the dating world,) and no one wants anything else.

I seem only good to keep kids preoccupied until they can go to their more important classes.

I seem sad.

Take your meds and shut up.

Take your meds and disappear.

My kids… I don’t think they really like me unless I give them what they want.

I don’t understand this world and my place in it.

All of this… I just want to be fucking held. I just want to be held… and I can’t trust just anyone to hold me. I had a person, but I had to end it because he wouldn’t stop yelling at me. So be alone or get yelled at… it’s quieter alone, but sometimes he would at least hold me.

I’m crying in the dark of my bedroom. No one cares. I’m writing this and I don’t think anyone reads this… and if they did, so what? Would they show up at my doorstep? And if they did, they’d just leave.

Or maybe they’d show up and take me away until I lied and said I didn’t want to kill myself… only because the hospital was charging SO MUCH and I needed to get back to work… and they were not doing anything to help me.

Fuck.

Fuck.

All I want is my person… but I can’t have a person until I don’t need a person. How fucked up is that???!!!!

Fucking nothing is real.

This system doesn’t work.

And… you can’t escape it. I should have just died in the jungle then… I could have just haunted the jungle and lived in the trees and fucking delighted in scaring tourist.

Fuck. I just want to be held is that too much to fucking ask???!!!! Apparently it is… unless you don’t mind being held by some kind of dollar general kind of human who doesn’t understand you because he is dumber than dirt… or some dude who thinks wanting to cuddle is code for hooking up.

Yeah. 49 days.

No one has held me for 49 days either.

I’m bugging.

I’m not good.

And it doesn’t matter. No one can save me. Maybe I’ll be lucky and die in my sleep tonight. Natural death is better than suicide… and I won’t do that… maybe I’ll take something to sleep.

I’m rather glad no one reads this… I mean, I wish someone did. I wish someone cared, but it would just be pity and that never helps anyone. Like this self pity… pathetic.

😞

Maybe I’ll wake up in a better mood… or I could die… or wake up feeling shitty. So.many.options.

9/11/23

[rubyastari]

SO I'VE BEEN TOLD ...

I’m sure many of us have already got stories about getting infected by the virus. I know both my siblings have caught it twice, once in the past couple of years. My two oldest nephews caught it once.

Ma is thankfully safe from it. So am I. I’ve had Covid-like symptoms three times so far, although – thankfully – the swab test results were always negative.

The last one was last Friday. I mean, I’d been sneezing a lot since last Wednesday, but I thought it was just my allergic reaction to the office AC.

On Thursday morning at 3:00 am, I woke up with a really high temperature, a runny nose, a major sore throat, and ... very sore joints. If you had heard me scream from that room that morning, you’d probably have wondered what sort of horror movie that I was auditioning for. I mean, I was just lying in bed, trying to move my body left and right without hurting myself.

In short, I forced myself to eat – which scared me even more. I couldn’t taste the food! (“Nooo!!”) I still had to teach my classes online from home, since nobody could cover for me at such short notice. (Not the school’s fault – we’re understaffed at the moment.) So I just sucked it up, teaching through the pain. Friends worried and suggested that I get myself swabbed, even though I’ve already had three jabs of vaccination. I mean these days, you never know ...

It would’ve been funny if the result were the opposite, especially after almost everyone I know had at least one experience with it early on ...

Okay, you’re right. It’s not funny at all. I could imagine, though, the smugness of someone I used to know – who’d probably say things like: “Now, do you see how useless those vaccination jabs are, since you can still get it?”

Not worth responding to, but I’d probably reply: “At least I didn’t die from it as too many people back then!” I doubt he’d be happy to be right if I really did die from it – whether I’ve taken the jabs or not.

Damn PMS!

So when the result came back negative, my very first thought was: “Damn PMS!” It’s not the first time, though, so I wasn’t surprised anymore. Neither was my family. Since I’ve had a long history of fainting at school and at work because of that, they didn’t want to risk it. My brother picked me up from my place and drove me home after my last class on Friday night.

Yup, Indonesian Family Emergency Treatment 101. By then, I thankfully could start tasting food again. (YAY!)

So I’ve been told that there are men who still believe (and choose to believe nothing else) that women with PMS are always angry. Believe me, in my case, I’m too low on energy to feel such things. I’ll only be thinking about myself. Chances are you’ll be pissed with me, because I choose to ignore every rubbish thing you say – engulfed in my own pain.

Too Tired Of Fear-Mongering Know-It-Alls

So I’ve been told that life isn’t fair. Ha, old news already! I wasn’t born yesterday. Everyone has their own way to fight injustice. It’s one thing to just constantly moan about it on social media – by disguising it as “spreading awareness”.

It’s another story if you actually do something about it IRL. It’s your call to post about it online – with the risk of being considered “bragging” – or not. I know I shouldn’t be too harsh on such people.

The fact is, there are people who have always been aware of how unfair life has always been – even with all the privileges they have. They’ve always known it’s not the same for other people and – if they’re kind – they’re usually more understanding and empathetic – and less judgmental.

On the other hand, there are people who have just been aware of  how unfair life is, only because something is taken away from them. As sad as this sounds, you can tell the difference in how they look at life.

Of course, not all of them stay drowning in their own self-pity and envy towards others whom they deem always luckier (the 1%). Some choose to get up, ask for help, stop pointing fingers at other people, start to compromise, and focus on what they can still control. First things first.

So I’ve been told that the vaccination jabs might be “dangerous” – and that I’d be so stupid if I let myself get trapped by their regulations. Thankfully, I question everything myself and always seek for the most reliable, scientific resources to disprove that. Even so, it would still be far more dangerous for me to lose my job if I had been crazy enough to say no to vaccination. My government doesn’t financially support their unemployed citizens – and you’re screwed a lot worse if you’re a woman. (Please, don’t tell me to get married just so someone can financially support me!) Not when I still have to support my family, not when I need to stay sane through all of this.

So, I’m not going to apologize for my choices.

It’s funny how this pandemic has also changed some people you know very abruptly – almost like a 180-degree transformation. The one who used to talk loud about “being open-minded and tolerant towards differences” is now so pushy with what they want others to believe in. What an irony. The warmth has turned to cold.

So once upon a time, I was this lonely, vulnerable, and insecure girl who thought I was being protected. The truth was, I was mostly being talked over – as if I were a stupid kid. I didn’t want to believe it at first, because I didn’t want to lose that person. I kept holding on to those beautiful memories.

“No, I’m not trying to control you or tell you what to do. I just want you to be careful. I care about you.”

Sure. I started finding my own voice and other friends who respected me as their equal too. I thought this person was happy for me, but then I noticed their lack of interest in my friends – even when I always paid attention to theirs. I also remember how unhappy they always were whenever I disagreed with them.

“You’ll never be independent. You still rely on him.”

The last so-called friend who gaslighted me that way is now off into another orbit – and I am so relieved. To answer their question, not anymore. It hasn’t been that way for a long time.

So I’ve been told that – sometimes – days like this may come your way. Days when you have to start learning how to live without them, even by force of nature. It’s never easy, but often inevitable.

They’ll probably deny the fact that yes, there were times when they did silence me during arguments, gaslighted me, and guilt-tripped me if I ever said no to their demands. Dumbly, I’d been playing along – mostly in silence – because I thought it would be easier than causing a fight.

It was my fault that I’d been such a pathetic people-pleaser. I gave them my time and energy without enough left to sustain myself. I remember one of them used to get angry when I suggested that they write a blog or something. They acted as if I’d never want to hear their voice again, when all I needed was a break from their negativity!

Lessons learned. So I’ve finally awaken myself by creating healthier boundaries this time. I’m putting myself first.

We’ll always have those beautiful days (which I forever cherish), but I must accept that those days are over now. It’s about time that I stepped back gracefully, especially when things have gotten too mentally exhausting for me.

Friends forever? Yeah, right. Not when they claim that all friends are replacable, like old toys discarded once they no longer “serve their purposes” (or so they think).

R.

[damien-mlm]

if you asked them, they'd deny it all

DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT

HEAVY VENT, talking about some of my past mentions of child abuse, CSA, suicide and self harm I cannot stress this enough, do NOT read if you feel like you can't I will never hold it against you if you don't read this, I promise I just really need to get this out there

Not fiction, real life events

Let me preface this with the fact I've been trying to open up about myself, and I'm drunk at the moment

This is hideous, this is your last warning

Fuck, how should I even begin

There’s so much

Back in August, I first started to write out fiction as a coping mechanism

Making up angsty and gut-wrenching stories, putting my characters through hell

I put a little bit of me in each one of those

And I still haven’t told the whole story yet

Back then, I also said this

And it still stands

I’m tired of being tired

And I was almost gone in September

Only a handful of people know this, not even my parents know

Not that they would care enough to help, anyway

I’ve been on the edge of this cliff many times

Each time I was pulled away, either forcefully, or by sweet words that meant nothing in the end

Performative kindness, only meant to be seen by others, never to be actually executed when truly needed

I’m not worth their kindness, I never was

My whole existence was a whim

My mother wanted to get showered in praise and attention

My father wanted to prove himself as a man

That was it, that’s all they wanted

I was just a byproduct of it

And when it wasn’t what they thought it would be, they hated me for it

I had ruined their lives by existing, and they made sure I knew

What fucks me up the most is that, thanks to PTSD and C-PTSD, I barely remember anything

I just have bits and pieces, and they are all a fucking nightmare

It’s impossible for me to form a timeline of the events, it’s all jumbled and mixed together

In the two poems I wrote, I mentioned this

I wasn’t lying

And it fucks me up because I feel like I can’t even trust myself

The typical “Are you sure that’s how it happened?” “I don’t remember it like that” “Maybe you are misremembering things” get so much more painful because of this

No, I’m not sure

I don’t know anything

My life is a lie

But then, where do all the nightmares, all the flashbacks, come from?

Where do the scars come from?

Where does that involuntary fear response to their presence come from?

I’m so sorry

I dragged you all into this bullshit

I’m not special

I know I’m not the only one who’s suffering

I feel like I’m being selfish

I shouldn’t be here

I should’ve died back when I first tried to

13 years ago

That should’ve been it

So that nobody else had to witness this fucking wreck

I don’t even know why I’m around anymore

I said it was so that nobody would hurt over my departure, and that still stands

But maybe there’s something else?

I’m not sure if it’s spite, or hope

And I’m still afraid of actually telling what I do remember

I don’t want pity

I want understanding

I want to be loved and cared for

For who I am

For what I am

Not for who I was supposed to be

Not for what I was supposed to accomplish

To be loved for me

For being

I’ve been writing this for about an hour, and I've barely said anything at all

Don’t be scared now, I’m not ending myself tonight, I know I sound extremely ominous, but I promise you I won’t do that

I always say it’s a long story and I never actually tell it

I did mention I came to be as a whim

That wasn’t a lie

What’s baffling to me is how long it took me to actually find out

December 25th, 2018

I got to know the true reason why my parents had split up

I was 1 year old, so I had no notion of this, thank fucking god

But apparently, my mom couldn’t stand the fact my dad gave me, a baby who needed help to survive, more attention than her

So, she asked for a divorce and kept me

It sounds fucking ridiculous, I know

And I wouldn’t have believed it if I wasn’t me

But I am me, and I know how much she loathed me for years

I just never knew why

Turns out it was just for being a human with needs

It made so much sense to me

And to my dad, well I ruined his marriage, I was the reason why the love of his life had left him

And he might deny it, but I know he still resents me for it

Everything about him tells me he does

Both of them placed the blame on me

Not only for this but for everything that came after it

It’s all my fault, my doing, my mistake

When my other relatives would whisper about them, it was my fault

I wasn’t a good kid

I cried too much, I was too loud

I was too dramatic

I was too much

And now I’m not enough

And I don’t think I’ll ever be

It’s hard to talk about this when it’s all mixed up

Most of it is gone

But I remember a few things

I remember my mom accidentally burning my arms with her cigs too many times for it to be accidental at all

At one point, I just stopped trying to get close to her

I remember my dad making fun of the way I cried, calling me a Disney princess in the way I sobbed as a kid

I remember this was in front of other adults too, whenever I went to him for comfort

I remember I grabbed a knife and slashed my bedsheets once; I was too small, and I didn’t know how to express my own anguish

And my mom made me sew it back up and use it still

I remember I moved the living room chairs to make a bed for my plush dog as a kid

And my mom woke up from her nap and was enraged by the mess I had done

She slapped me so hard I fell back, turning, and hit my head on the edge of the wall

I had a huge bruised bump on my forehead

“If anybody asks, you tripped” she said

She must have learned that from one of her boyfriends, and I know exactly which one

This man was so vile, I hope I never have to see his face in front of mine again

Because I’m still forced to see him now and then

Flashbacks are involuntary, after all

He was abusive towards us both

That sick piece of shit

He took my innocence away from me

Stole it away for reasons I still can’t understand

I’m sorry to be so crude about it

But there are certain positions I just cannot do

They just take me back to that moment

“There’s a big man behind me, doing this to me

And there is nothing I can do to stop him”

It is the best way I can describe it without actually saying it

First time I tried to tell my mom about this, she said

“Yeah, maybe”

That’s all

I mean, what did I even expect?

I can’t place dates, but I’m pretty sure all this happened between the ages of 7 and 10

I started hurting myself at 11, back then I was convinced I deserved the pain

I was a bad kid

I deserved it

I got found out at 12 and everything went to shit, as if it wasn’t enough already

I got sent to a psychiatrist, and the lad said I needed anti-depressants

My mother refused

She had a better idea

To avoid me cutting myself, she would strip every single ounce of privacy I had

No room I was in was to have its door closed

No, not even the bathroom

Specially the bathroom

She would stand on the doorway and watch me intently as I did what I had to do

And when I showered, the curtain had to remain open too

That’s not all, but it’s all I can say for now

I don’t have the strength to keep writing right now

I won’t be sleeping tonight; I opened a bottle of wine and I have to clean this fucking house before it’s too late

My dad will come over tomorrow around noon to check on my progress, he said so on a voice message

I wish I wasn’t here

I wish I wasn’t

[rikutokataki0907]

Elephants in the fucking building

It was a literal shock for me when the protagonist was alive, like wow, my observation skills are weak while watching this heart wrenching story. It was more impactful to me after I realized that it was a true story.  The movie gave me a lot of emotions, from confused to angry, with also a bit of happy feeling. This movie exposes the old stigma that is slowly changing in my generation.

In the movie, it was seen that the idea of LGBT was not welcome by the majority of the society. In the eyes of Mary Griffith especially, she sees it as a sin to the Lord. In hopes of maintaining the closeness of Bobby and God, she has done horrible inconsiderate acts just to do it. At first Bobby kept it a secret because he was scared that no one would understand and guide him to the correct path and apparently he was right. It came to the point where Bobby got overwhelmed and tired of trying to please and enlighten his mother of his true self. He decided to end his life because of depression, he could no longer take the negative emotion in him because of Mary’s denial in his gender expression.

After the death of her son, Mary went through the 5 stages of grief. It was a rollercoaster experience, a lot of in denial moments, very powerful bargaining but in the end, acceptance was the endpoint of it all. From the hater to a supporter, It all goes to show that everyone can change their views maybe for self affirmation but mostly for the good of your soul.

One fact that maybe half of the people I met through my life know is that I’m an only child. It could be a little lonely but I could manage, I have tons of cousins to bond with. Ever since my parents got annulled when I was freaking 5 years old, it took a couple of years for my father and I to talk with each other again. At first I was a bit shy maybe because our attitude didn't have a vibe but as time went by, I got to know my father more. When I turned 14 or 15 years old, there were situations where I needed to lie or keep some important information a secret to make the situation stabilize. I am aware that it is not the only option but with my environment, this set up works the best.

Because of my history in having bad experiences of being a snitch and being honest for my own benefit, I learned that being a snitch is not the way to make friends in my current generation hahaha. I begin to be so quiet that my jolly old self is slowly vanishing from my reality. I thought that maybe with this method, I could make a lot of friends that could trust me. Alas, that method has its limitations. Confusion bombarded my life and I do not know anymore how to cope in being alone, no one to lean on and no one can be my shoulder to cry on.

It was at that moment where grief overcame my system and doing something about it did not visit my mind. Denying the existence of the problem was my first action, keeping myself busy and not letting anyone know my true feelings resulted in feeling numb and shutting down my overused mind. There were times that my emotions went haywire and I easily showed irritation to incompetence, impatiency was a noticeable result of that. Here comes my favorite word: Overthinking. Wow, was this my everyday hobby? I often felt guilty when I did something or someone wrong, skyrocketed anxiety was visible and my insecurity with everything I did was filled to the brim!

Crying was really not my thing, it makes my nose stuffy and my head achy. If it occurs though, I produce it as silent as I can be. I have this trait where I do not want pity from others but I just want them to understand the severity of my situation. In the end, being aware of my loneliness came from my lack of communication skills. The only person to change it is myself and my mindset about it. I hope in the future someone would barge into my narrow life and be my living validation that I still have a purpose in life.

[starlight-introspection]

I am sick and tired of feeling guilty for feeling bad about my bad situation. Sick and tired of downplaying it, of burying it, of hating myself for feeling self pity.

People in my life have told me ‘it’s not that bad’, ‘it could be worse’, ‘others are in a much more awful situation than you’. And I internalized it. I believed I was simply not trying hard enough, believing I was sulking over something small. That my troubles were minor and not worth being so fecking self-pitying about.

I buried my unhappiness, endured it until I simply could not anymore. By the time I speak up, I’m already past my limit.

Every time I think about how bad I feel, somebody who has it worse pops up in my brain, people who live with me or have lived with me.  

Even now I believe I’m a moaner, a complainer. After all, I have been told I talk about my mental illness way too much. And I think it is true, I do talk about it too much. But if affects every facet of my life! Am I just a self-pitying complainer? I think that I am super self-absorbed. So very ‘woe-is-me’.

But over and over I have pushed myself through situations I really should have bailed on earlier even though I knew I was in distress. and then I broke over and over again. And each time I broke, something was lost and I grew weaker.

I always wanted somebody else who had the authority to say so to tell me that ‘yes, it is that bad’. That I could feel like I could believe it.

I have a saying, that somebody with one broken arm needs medical attention even if another person has two broken arms. and will be worse off than the two-broken-arms person if they neglect to get the help they need.

I just feel like I often am complaining about the equivalent of a broken finger, or sprained ankle. Even though I know I’m often more unwell than I consciously realize I am.

I’m just, so sick of feeling sad, tired, scared and guilty. And angry that I feel like I can’t freely express just how big that burden is to carry and be taken seriously by my loved ones when I say that.