#this isn't even anything yet and i'm feeling so hype and keep having to stop before i continue writing

[rodolfoparras]

Alec I'm so severely unwell over that drabble you wrote, I'm like super emotional about it please-

I wanted to make Nik into catty asshole who is trying to push your buttons and make you jealous maliciously but like...the idea of him just teasing both you and John is better almost.

Like sure part of him is jealous and he can't help but to be little petty but for the most part he is just pushing your buttons for the sake of riling you up. Even better if he sees that you and John are in love with each other but neither you or John see it. And he's little hurt sure, he doesn't exactly see why John would pick some punk ass rookie over him but as long as John is happy...

And he knows John most likely won't make the first move because John is probably all types of upset because he fell for someone he took under his wing to keep safe and take care of so Nik does everything he can to make you jealous (he totally plays into your hot-headed nature) so you'll finally confess.

At some point absolutely everyone is aware it and is just waiting for something to happen because holy fuck can Captain and rookie just fuck already? Why do they keep dreamily staring into each other's eyes while we're trying to have mission briefing?

For extra angst, imagine you finally finally deciding to confess, probably after drinking and getting all hyped up and you come to John's office and you're about to know but... John is there with Nikolai and maybe they're fucking, maybe they're just having sweet moment, maybe it's just misunderstanding on your part. Whatever it is, it doesn't mean anything but to you it does because it just reaffirms that John isn't yours.

I imagine it's not until everyone gets hammered or near death situation that confession finally happens tbh.

-🔮

Okay hear me out

Nikolai wasn’t stupid. He was aware that Price likes you, not because he had told him so, because the Russian is sure that the other man would rather die than answer honestly to that question

But he could see the way price acted around you, the way he talked to you, the way he behaved nothing like when Nik and him were together.

Price and Nik had met in their early teens, Price thought Nik was his first and last love Nik, simple put, didn’t feel the same.

Sure he loved Price, dont get it wrong, but there was so much to the world than being bound to one person for the rest of your life.

So they decided to break up, only ever hooked up for the sake of old times or the surge of adrenaline that came after a mission.

Price was so hung up over Nik, the Russian never though he’d get over him but one day the rookie became all he talked about, most of their hm-meetings got called off because he needed to be with rookie for the night.

Nikolai was sure Price would fess up any time soon but Price didn’t, instead he played stupid every time he got asked about it.

So he tried another approach, targeting you by making you jealous in hopes of that being enough to make you fess up but instead it pushed you further away.

Nik almost pulled his hair out, flying a plane was much easier than getting two people together so he gave up, let universe handle it instead.

In the meantime 141 was up your ass about it, telling you that it’s so clear that the captain reciprocates your feelings.

For one second you had allowed yourself to believe it. With one too many drinks in your system you had stumbled over to Price’s office in an attempt to confess your feelings.

However what you saw had shattered your heart.

Stupid, stupid so stupid you think to yourself tears trickling down your cheeks as you sprint to you room, far away from Price’s office.

Of course Price didn’t return your feelings he was busy getting fucked by the man he was actually in love with.

Yet you had allowed yourself to be persuaded, had let 141 convince you that Price reciprocated your feelings.

However what you don’t see is Price’s attempt to run after you only for Nik to stop him.

“What is he going to think? Fuck!” Price says kicking the trash can laying around in his office, still half naked.

“John cal-“ Nik tries to say but gets interrupted by the older man.

“Don’t Nikolai just please leave, please? I would like to be alone for a moment”

Nik wants to argue but instead he lets out a sigh and picks up his clothes off of the floor, quickly dressing himself before walking out through the door.

“You should tell him you know?” Nik says with a smile on his face. Price doesn’t even get to spit out an impromptus lie about how he doesn’t like you in that way before Nik is walking away.

The opportunity to talk doesn’t come around. His days are filled with missions and his nights are filled with paper work that just seem to be piling up and when the two of you have some sort of interaction Price doesn’t even know what to say because it’s not like the two of you are anything in the first place.

He did nothing wrong by fucking Nik he was just lonely and tired of pining for the man who doesn’t even seem to noice him. But then that very same man walked in at the wrong moment and everything came crashing down on him.

Stupid stupid so stupid, Price thinks to himself as he sulks in silence.

Weeks have passed after that incident, the two of you are distant as ever.Price thinks that maybe it’s meant to be this way, you weren’t even anything in the first place.

But just as the thought pops up in his head there’s blood - your blood splashing across his face and you’re falling to the ground while he rushes towards your bleeding body

You’re muttering i love you’s while he’s carrying you to the emergency room and Price is repeatedly saying that he won’t say it back not yet because this isn’t a goodbye and if you’re going to confess your love for him you have to ask him out on dinner first, you have to be alive and well when you do it, goddammit!

Spitball w/ me?

[kafkaoftherubble]

185.2章：放下？还是压抑？可贺，抑或可悲？

// Chapter 185.2: Detachment v. Repression

This ramble concerns To Your Eternity manga Chapter 185.2. It is edited from a conversation between (yea you guessed it) @bestbonnist and me after the chapter dropped before I had to hastily run off because sorry gotta see shits with my Besto Furrendo! Lisan al-Ghaib! Lisan al-Ghaib!!!

Although this chapter is devoid of hype moments—unlike C184.1 where plenty of us were sent into a frenzy— and good old macabre, this is genuinely one of my favorite chapters to date.

Because it became a really nice philosophical discussion between friends. Sounds a tad cheesy when I say it like that...

(1) Two Different Perspectives on Fushi's Latest State of Mind

Ray expressed dismay that Fushi's coping mechanism seems to gave become even more terrible because they are essentially repressing their emotions. They are telling themself not to feel anything and to be detached. In the Wish Era, Fushi seemed to have become more resigned to their fate, which became starkly apparent when contrasted by the Doll and Andy's loud, outward desire to see Abel live.

That dismal observation actually stunned me—because I happened to see this development in a positive light. What better state of mind should Fushi aspire to attain apropos to their immortality... if not a state of non-attachment? After all, if they don't learn to be so, then the sheer impermanence of life will torment them forever. To me, non-attachment—or in a more English-natural manner of speaking, detachment—is a goal worthy of pursuing, even if it is often fraught with erratic instances such as mistaking "repressing one's emotions" as similar to "being genuinely unperturbed."

----

(2) The Benefits of Attachment

In this story's universe, attachment keeps a person's faie (their soul) around.

Hence, to Ray, Fushi's loss of attachment implies their death (which I agree is a reasonable projection for the end of this story). When they no longer have anything to do—no goal—then it is time for them to move on.

But more than that, there's this other thing Ray is worried about. The manga asked whether Fushi is human, especially in its earlier exploration. Whether they think they are human. Therefore, it's hard to see Fushi's detachment as anything other than dehumanizing themself ("I'm not human so I don't deserve to be attached/feel bad when people I care about die.") It's one step to Fushi's progression into becoming a deity at the expense of their humanity.

This prospect is upsetting because they wanna see Fushi leave as a human being, as someone who dies after living a satisfying life like Yuuki did.

Ray also argued that there's a difference between acceptance and detachment. "Acceptance is acknowledging that something is out of your control and acknowledging that the way you feel about that." To them, Fushi seemed to have acknowledged that something was out of their control, but they hadn't yet acknowledged their feelings toward it.

Then, they conceded that while Fushi was frank about being pained by people leaving, ultimately, the dude seemed deadset on trying to ignore that pain altogether. "Fushi isn't good at being 'above' feeling things!"

I agree with this. Of course, they aren't! One of Fushi's powers is supernatural empathy. They can't ignore the sensation of pain or (occasionally) love in their vicinity even if they try. Feeling shit is what they do, willingly or not. And from an emotional connection like that, one easily forms attachments.

---

(3) The Common Error: Mistaking Detachment with Apathy

Strangely, at that point in our conversation, it became clear that Ray thought Fushi should not be detached because it stops them from accepting death—while I think Fushi should learn to be detached because it helps them to accept death. Same destination, but different ways of assessing detachment as a path.

Now, of course, when I use the term "detachment" or "non-attachment" (preferred), I'm once again drawing it from a Buddhist philosophical perspective. Because dude, it's me, 睿得失。You fucking signed up for this the moment you talk to me, bwaahhahahahaha!

Even Buddhists, born and raised, often make the mistake of conflating "equanimity," which non-attachment encourages, with "apathy."

One of the four sublime qualities (brahmavihārā), equanimity (upekkhā) is the state of being unwavering and unperturbed even in the face of loss and gain [1], good-repute and ill-repute, praise and censure, and sorrow and happiness. Its far enemies—as in, its direct contrasting vices—are greed and resentment. But its near enemy—the quality mendaciously close to equanimity—is apathy.

[1] Just a little aside: this is why I joked that Fushi should take up my self-given Chinese name in our conversation. 睿得失 means "being wise (about one's) gain and loss." The hope of attaining some semblance of upekkha is built into the name already.

Plenty of people think being detached means being uncaring and indifferent, and that it has some elements of dehumanization to it—be it to other people or to yourself. But it's not. Being detached is to keep a balance between concern and coercion. It's expressing compassion while being mindful not to conflate your genuine care with your desire to will things and people to bend to the state or situation you wanted.

Fushi and us mortals could easily realize one fact about life: it is truly impermanent. The desire to impose our will on the universe—as if there is some supernatural feature to our will that can influence things to happen—is a source of agitation. Life doesn't bend to our will; it indifferently stays impermanent even when we demand it to be permanent in some sort of personal bliss.

In Buddhist thought, it's our actions and intentions that impart changes. Our will (and our demanding desires) don't. We'll revisit this in our 5th Chapter later.

In other words! Contrary to Ray's interpretation, I see being detached not as imposing a limit on your compassion but liberating it from constraints. Now that you're detached, your mode of compassion is centered around the situation and people as they are, not as you hope them to be. True compassion asks for nothing in return—not because you suppress your demands, but because you genuinely have none to begin with.

----

(4) Fushi's Laudable Baby Steps

What really made me think that Fushi had grown here was their insistence that whether Abel lives or dies is "his decision to make."

Not Fushi's, despite their god-like powers. Not Doll or Andy, despite their love and attachment to Abel. It's Abel's choice. All Fushi can do is to accept whatever the man says—and that acceptance is only possible if they begin practicing detachment. After all, attachment results in the reactions Doll and Andy expressed.

To me, Fushi is taking a step in the right direction already. This is the kind of wisdom I think an immortal, most of all, should gradually pick up (I also think mortals like us should, too, but that's beside the point).

Here is where I think Ray's criticisms warrant merits in my interpretation: Actually practicing detachment/non-attachment is hard as fuck. I wouldn't deny that though it doesn't make you an apathetic non-human, you're not gonna be very normal-humanlike if you manage to be equanimous either. While learning to be detached, one often takes up a lot of problematic tactics and mistakes it to be detachment.

One such misguided tactic? Suppression of emotions. You force yourself to pretend you're not feeling anything instead of facing them and realizing their falsity while believing you're being detached. So Ray's concerns are completely warranted, because I don't believe Fushi has consummated their learning either. They wouldn't have lied about the massacre if they were really that detached.

Repressing your emotion, as a tactic, is wrong, but it is the hallmark of someone who's trying to get there, especially when you compound it with the philosophy Fushi was articulating. They care. But they are also being clear-eyed about the limits of their demand.

I don't think they seem resigned here. I think they are being wise. Baby steps, and their method is imperfect, but good nonetheless.

----

(5) Yuuki the GOAT and His Biggest W Yet

Fushi grappled with wanting to impose their will to make others live as long as they in the Modern Arc, right? That's one of their biggest and most constant sources of dukkha (dissatisfaction/suffering). But Yuuki's satisfying death and life... actually steered him in the right direction!

Fushi didn't come to earn detachment because of some horrible, tragic death turning them jaded and cynical. They learned because Yuuki's life and death were that fucking good.

Learning philosophy from pain is all well and good. It is usually how people learn it (few would give a fuck about existentialism or Buddhist philosophy or stoicism or what-have-you if they weren't in a personal crisis). But learning philosophy from joy is a whole other thing. Whatever you learned from that instance has no hint of jadedness and cynicism to corrupt your thinking; it's like making a decision when you're at the most optimal state.

This is Yuuki's victory. He influenced and taught Fushi without giving him pain or trauma to live by. He was not some main character of a tragedy despite outwardly looking like a bumbling normie.

Think about it: none of the Immortals who were attached to Fushi, until now, had been capable of influencing and teaching them without accidentally leaving some grief, pain, and trauma!

Why does Fushi take on Yuuki's form so much lately—if not because Yuuki is the only one who managed to teach them without the use of pain or trauma or anything like that?

And as Ray pointed out, Yuuki was the form embodying "Peace." Even his death was offscreen and peaceful. On a bed, unpoisoned and unhurt. Fushi remembers him constantly because he makes them feel at ease.

"It's our actions and intentions that impart changes," that was what I mentioned in Chapter 3 of this long-ass ramble. Here it is exemplified. People inherit the fruits of other people's actions (and you yourself are one of those who will inherit your own actions, too). And well? These are the fruits of Yuuki's actions that Fushi continues to reap even now.

That's how complete Yuuki's W is. He managed to leave just the kind of food for thought for an Immortal that eventually set them up to grasp the kind of wisdom they lacked. Who says the Modern Arc has no lessons?

----

(6) Conclusion, or The Abrupt Ending of a Conversation

As you can tell, I really don't think Fushi's latest development is bad. Bittersweet and a bit of a mixed bag, sure, but I ultimately think it's commendable rather than worrisome. Of course, my ass interpreting things through a Buddhist lens has a lot to do with it, but brutha, this is exactly my niche! You should have seen me talk about non-self vis-a-vis Fushi in a YouTube comment section!

Ray did leave this paragraph that had eluded me because, again, the Muaa'dib was calling me and I really gotta go:

"I have a potential counter-argument for you, which is about how Fushi's ideal person to follow is kind of a mix of Yuuki (as you explained) and Kahaku (bag of mess and you haven't read that part of the present era anyways), which is putting the concept of detachment together with a really selfish kind of selflessness (as we talked about). But I'm not clear on whether that's still there after their fight with the left hand. I feel like it's lingering a little but I haven't seen much evidence for it in the wish era."

Now, I don't really know what that whole bit was like because I didn't actually read all of the Modern Arc—just the latter half. But again, "detachment" and "self-lessness" are complementary and forward-feeding to one another in Buddhist Philosophy, so on this concept alone, I don't see a clash.

I should probably clarify what Ray's "selfish kind of selflessness" meant here, but... I'm kinda tired now. And I've briefly touched on this in my essay about... Gojo Satoru, goddamn it.

Or maybe Ray should explain it themself! I distinctly remember someone owing me like, 3 essays or something. I'm such a kindhearted person I'm willing to give them a discount and accept just one essay for this week, though. Don't squander it, you!

Thank you for reading my ramble.

----

Did you enjoy this? If yes, wouldn't it be really fucking cool if you get to read essays and commentaries like these, alongside fanfic and fanart and other interesting bits, in one place?!

BECAUSE! We are thinking of starting a To Your Eternity zine! It's merely in its Interest Check phase, but you gotta fill this form up so we can see just how many people in our modest little fandom want this! Be a supporter or a contributor, it don't matter at this stage! Support is the currency here!

[threepoint14art]

Well, since you so kindly offered: I want to know about your OCs! Their names, their animals, anything you feel like sharing.

WOHOO THANKS FOR ASKING! IM HONORED IM HONORED! first of all sorry for just posting about my ocs lately I am clearly going through it </3 im gonna put all the long explanations under the cut so I don't clog anyone's feed!

But in a general not that long way: those girls were The salvaged they have a group name because we designed them around the idea of them being rivals to the nightmares! Fun fact, their names apply to the other group better than to themselves! The nightmares just like in source material all got saved or salvaged by Deuz. While the salvaged over here are a nightmare! just generally! In our AU the nightmares 1) are older and 2) Are a bit more dangerous than just school bullies (thought onnie still does that and has beef with literal children lmao), so we decided to give them mortal enemies!

This will include a bit of infodump on the nightmares too since I realized we haven't really explained the changes we made to them, and also trigger warnings for mentions of abuse, though I'll try to not get too into it it's always worth warning

Actual explanation time let's go I'm sorry for word vomiting on you multi I'm so hyped you ask it's unreal thank you so much for asking yet again:

Bébe

She is the redhaired one! she is based on scrap baby! not to be confused with the normal baby animatronic! We made her as a foil to our Deuz. Just like Deuz she is the leader of her group, but unlike Deuz she isn't the "strong, takes all the burdens, looks menacing, defends the others" type of leader, but rather just the one who sort of controls the others, more of a "you wouldn't expect this one to be in charge" sort of leader. Hence the little animation I did with her saying "I know what you want" Gives the others what they want to keep them near her since they are her " strength" her "ammunition" to put it some way. Giant dangerous insanely built bear vs a silly crow who wins She is baby faced (haha word pun) and just generally looks a bit harmless, we made her a crow because we made her main strength being creepy and offputting, inducing paranoia and all that since we already made Deuz generally paranoid, crows can make some WEIRD sounds and copy voices so it felt fitting for her bother people like that. We don't have that much of her backstory figured out just yet, mostly because she feels like a pipebomb to try and make sense of, opposite to Deuz who opened up to the nightmares about most stuff, she is a complete mistery to the salvaged. She is simply creepy, always smiling, keeps people close to her by being an enabler since she doesn't think they'll stick to her and defend her otherwise, she makes Deuz feel incredibly paranoid!

Scarlet

I would have made her name white if that was readable! I'm going by order of how they appear in my little animation, so shes the one with white hair!

She is based on molten freddy, she has a lot of issues. The main thing she wants and needs is just constant appreciation and people near her, the reason why is really horrible we are so mean to her.

Unlike bebe, we have her backstory pretty developed. She was really sick as a child, and her hospital expenses took her parents into debt, her dad was still incredebly understanding and of course mourning his daughter was in so much pain, her mom wasn't like that. She got kinda frenzied by their financial instability and blamed Scarlet for all of it, saying that she wasn't even her real daughter anymore, that the sickness already killed her daugther so that she could just kill the sickness, and tried to literally murder her! Both her parents went to jail because even though her dad literally tried to stop her from dying, the justice system is always horrible and it counted it as assault against his wife. So sickly child in extreme chronic pain feels like no one loves her! She needs that constant reassurance a lot because she's very understandably very traumatized from that.

She parallels Maggie in the most like, mean way I could have conjured up. Scarlet is and always has been ill and in pain and it her family abandoned her because of it, while Maggie in our Au is the biological brother (we trans man beamed him) of Meg, and he abandoned them and ran away because he was tired of the abuse in the system and shitty forster families, but also tired being treated as a full time caretaker who always had to protect Meg. So they kinda parallel eachother in the abandoned and the one who abandons.

She drinks a lot because it numbs the pain she's constantly under, and it also lessens the fact that she's always constantly itchy (why she scratches herself in my animation). And she is a sheep because she was "a lamb to the slaughter" as a little kid! her mom tried to kill her! A sacrificial lamb to rid you of your burdens. Raquel The fact that there was no nightmare chica irked us two a lot so we just made one haha epic. She is a cockatiel! She used to date Onyx (How we call Oxy) but little kids in relationships do stupid shit and she cheated on him which gave him a life-long grudge since he's insane about infidelity (divorced parents, thinks that if they were still together he would still have a home since when he came out as trans he already lived only with his dad and he got kicked out, thinks his mom could have defended him if she didn't cheat and ruin everything, normal stuff)

She is incredebly annoyed by the fact that he hasn't moved on, and honestly I'm annoyed too boy you were both like prepubecent fleas. She also is really quickwitted and subtle given that she pickpockets a lot of people, while Onyx is more hardheaded (haha why hes named onyx, rock) and really blunt since he has 0 need for being subtle.

She got kicked out of her home for just being a hoarder! A kleptomaniac and a hoarder to be exact. Since birds do have that thing where they nest and get a bunch of stuff and put it on a nest we upped it to a thousand here, she just steals stuff and hoards it to the point where it was genuinly unbearable for her parents so off she goes. This also ties with the fact that she's also incredebly money hungry for the sole reason of just having money, seeing a lot of money together scratches her brain. Bebé just straight up enables this girl to keep her unhealthy habits.

Back to parallels, her parents kicked her out for her own good, trying to stop a self destructive habit. While Onyx's dad kicked him out for just being who he is. Similar yet different yada yada

Mar

Ourhghghg I've already posted art of Mar on here before, she is the snake girl (specifically now a hoop snake, she had a nother snake before but we changed it) who is incredebly normal about her mom. If you trusted me on that post I'm sorry but I lied to you shes not normal ever.

Her full name is Marisol, she shortens it to Mar to be cutesy and because her name meaning Sea matches pretty well with Avani's (next to be discussed) name meaning Earth. She is a contrast to Onnie since in here we gave them both really really bad homes. They got physically abused and they both did not come out sane out of that, but while Onnie wishes he killed his dad and takes it out on everything and everyone. Mar actually killed her mom.

Cool fact about Mar, she is related to shadows! But it's not exactly like Freddy and Fred. Summarizing incredebly hard, in our AU shadows are born from empty people, If someone who is just fundamentally empty as a person walks too close to a place where people have felt a lot, were their feelings overflew out of them, they get a shadow. Freddy has fred because the little guy was just fundamentally empty as a kid (every "freddy is bland" joke ever now has real consequences/j), But Mar is a bit different, since she is the shadow.

Think of Freddy having no personality (/j) and up it to a thousand, thats what the "original" marisol was like, literal empty kid who would not cry or scream or yell and it pissed her mom off to no end, till boom, Mar appears. Since they aren't omniscent and they too don't really understand what shadows are, Mar thinks she is the orignal, and the remainder of the other girl got renamed as lake (haha matching, bodies of water), who unlike fred or freddy, who while not in the body are people shaped, is presented as just a snake.

(if you want to ask about the shadows give us 5 business days since we are still establishing how it works/lh)

So basically, Mar was a really lonely kid thanks to alcoholic mother who was inhumane towards her, she had 2 friends for most of her life. The snake she imagined who she thought was literally just the ghost of a snake who died by the road or something, and Avani, childhood friend who was her neighbour, she is insanely attached to her.

She just like Onnie suffered a LOT because of her home situation, but unlike Onnie she at least did have moments of peace at school and with Avani (Onnie was also brutally bullied at school, woups, guy got no break ever). She kept growing up time kept passing things at home were exactly the same. She met Bébe she met the salvaged and she just started doing crazy stuff simply because "it made her happy" she had an outlet and it helped her. Sadly, things at home out of nowhere aren't the same miserable mess but just somehow turn worse and worse and worse, probably because it was obvious that she was much happier with being more and more away from home and hanging out with people. Eventually she just had enough, and with the help of insane people over here (mostly Bébe) they make a plot to literally murder the woman.

Basically, since she was an alocholic and never tended to the house ever, they just turn the stove on and close all the house down and so she dies of monoxide poisoning and they pass it off as her being negligent and leaving it on on her own.

Literally as that's happening, Mar goes to her school councelor and does some fake tears of feeling like a danger to herself to get send to a psych ward, which doesn't surprise the councelor since it was pretty obvious her home life was awful and that she's a little gone since she talks to the air sometimes, she eventually gets back from it, gets the news that she passed away, does some more fake tears, and boom, surprisingly easy. Onnie wishes he could do that.

Due to her mom dying and being sent away for a little and all of that she missed wayy too many clases and got held back a year, then they tested her to see her academic level and see that she was doing even worse than they thought so she's held back another year, and boom this derranged 18 year old is in a clasroom with the 16 year olds, she scares me. She is based on nightmare marionette which is why we wanted to give her something shadow related, and also why she has scales on her face that sort of form a tear pattern!

Avan

I'll admit. I was incredebly self indulgent with her. She's based on nightmare balloon boy, but I used Loon as reference (quien lo invitó? pinche chamaco), since our version of loon is a holed up guy who just sort of rots away in his room and doesn't intend on being a functional part of society. Avani is a prodigy who graduated way too early and is already both studying and working, literally never spends time home and is always busy.

We also made her an asian ladybeetle since they are often regarded as the "evil" counterpart of a ladybug!

That's her basis, and now for parallels, I also have to explain how I was incredebly self indulgent here: She's meant to be a parallel for Spring "but spring isn't a nightmare" I know, and she also isn't a salvaged. We made spring and the nightmares friends (insane decision I know), and so both Spring and Avani interact with their respective group out of just being friends with them instead of actually being part of the group who does insane things. Spring works at a gas station and never finished his education and doesn't feel ready to be an adult at alli(we made him 24 woups), while avani has an office job and reads like a fully functional adult (she isn't) while being incredebly young.

Like was said before she is Mar's childhood friend, And she is a prodigy in all sense of the word, she too was an incredebly lonely child and only ever got along with Mar, She was always said to be too boring and somewhat creepy for remembering seemingly inconsequent stuff. She has an insane memory and an insane brain in general, her parents realized that and just fully commited to pressuring her to do better and better and better, "Pressure makes diamonds" after all. So while at first they were in the same class, Avani kept skipping grades because she was incredebly gifted academically. She still kept contact with Mar of course since both of them are horribly attached to eachother (in the animation they have matchin jewerly! Mar with the necklace and Avani with the earrings), but she literally graduated at 14, that's crazy, girl should have been watching mlp or something.

As she grew she kinda thought about herself as only that, only a prodigy only the smart one that needs to keep getting smarter and needs to be a functional adult already since if she's not its just "a waste". Her parents also didn't help with that, treating her as if she was 100% self sufficient when she was a literal kid. And as soon as she turned 18 she got kicked out to be a full fledged adult.

She got an office job and also is studying MEDICINE and also keeps active contact with a friend. "how does she have time for that" she literally doesn't, This woman is sort of a walking zombie, her being labeled a "genius" made her think she should just shoulder ten billion things at once.

Anyways the day that Mar was getting out of being in the psych ward and already was angsty and nervous she went to visit Avani at her job to calm down a little. Woupsies! Boss is a creep! Woupsies Mar just launches herself at him and beats him up and now this girl is jobless. Awesome.

She has a bit of a crisis because without a job she can't pay for her apartment and she has nowhere to stay and Mar just tells her to go stay with them, which the others don't necesarely agree with but also can't outright refuse since they are very well aware of how important this girl is to Mar.

Basically, "functional" adult stays with insane people, and none of the others understand her. A girl who should 100% have some sense of moral superiority against them just seems way to out of mark with what they expected, she's sort of way too chill with they stuff they do, seems way too nonchallant about Mar literally killing her mom, seems way too bored of everything and only ever thinks of work and studying and work and studying and Mar, it doesn't seem like she literally has any other desire than work like an animal till the end of her days. They can't figure her out! Hence the question marks in the animation! That's,,, that's all I have. Multi if you read all of this you literally deserve like an award, tysm for asking again <3 ^^ I promise I'll do more stuff with actual canon characters soon, I just had a moment ToT, if you (or anyone else who read this) Have any other doubts about them or anyone at all always feel so free to ask!!

[myteavsricochet]

I wonder how the rwrb twitter fandom wants to deal with the sequel when they pretend taylor is completely dead and just use his face for the firstprince edits and then say "tzp isn't alex" (and that's a horrible thing to say for someone who put heart and soul for that movie and it wouldn't have existed without him) meanwhile they have no problem supporting Nick for everything he does (as they should, I love the guy a lot). I'm almost hoping the sequel doesn't happen.

Sorry for the rant, I don't have many friends online and I don't know who to vent to.

I chose to post this ask especially for the last part, because I would have been very sorry if you had felt ignored by me too so please feel free to come to my DM next time if you want to talk about anything, there's no problem 🫂

To talk now about the rest of what you wrote: I know what you're referring to, I don't deny I'm quite active on twitter but because over the years I've built my own bubble, with people I get along well with and have a lot of fun with. This doesn't stop me, unfortunately, from seeing what happens outside my bubble and I know what you're talking about, the whole "they're acting like he's dead" thing because I've seen it too. Not everyone does that of course, Taylor is also very supported and loved there but all this is happening, I tell you, for two reasons:

1: There have always been people who were mainly "Nick fans", who also talked about Taylor when the film was more active but never really supported him and they stopped at the first opportunity. And don't get me wrong, there are A LOT of people who mostly support Nick but are absolutely respectful of Taylor. Others less so, they have always had a sort of resentment towards him and recently it has resulted in real hatred, the fact that they are quite big accounts unfortunately doesn't help.

2: The rwrb twitter fandom has had a significant toxic escalation lately and there are people who choose not to talk about Taylor so as not to have problems within the big accounts of the fandom. I know, it seems like total madness and yet it's true and it's quite obvious too. So they don't talk about him in their profiles to maintain good relations with the others accounts.

About the sequel and how they will behave with Taylor... I have no idea honestly, I'm really in hype and I can't wait for this to happen but I would be lying if I said I'm not "worried" a little of how they would behave with him especially after tioy, but we'll see, maybe they'll then pretend nothing happened before so they can enjoy the promo ☠️ Who knows?

I know that place can be extremely intoxicating and bring you down a lot, they are all very vocal and they seem so many and noisy and annoying and problematic, the truth is that it's a bubble and you have to be able to ignore as much as possible because they don't deserve anything else. The way they behave says everything about them.

Create your own positive bubble, with people who support both of them and are good people and try to keep the rest out of there. He will be fine, even without these toxic people who have decided his existence is no longer worth acknowledging. Fandoms always lead to toxicity, no one is saved, what we can do is take care of our experience as best we can.

Take care of you ❤️

[skelekin]

Sonic Prime Season 2/Season 1 part 2 thoughts and critiques

Nobody asked but I'm gonna share em anyway, minor spoilers ahead

Stuff I liked:

Shadow. Good god how refreshing it is to see a portrayal of Shadow that isn't one-note and sucks ass. his voice is closer to his original SA2 depiction, him beating the snot out of Sonic isn't entirely unprompted and random, and honestly his scenes may have carried this entire season. The interactions he has with Sonic are also fantastic and oooogghh gay

Sonic!! I'll be honest I really have a hard time understanding ppl's issues with his characterization here; he's a naive, impulsive, rebellious teenager that wants to see the good in the world. I like that I actually get to see him make mistakes, jump to conclusions, and be scared or sad. This is the kind of thing I feel like ppl have been ASKING for from him so I don't quite get the pushback

Nine is great as ever, definitely a highlight of this entire series and he could possibly end up having one of the best character arcs in the franchise

Chaos Sonic!!!!! Wowie what a fun dude, his segments made me smile the most

Animation is once again super bouncy and fluid with dynamic shots, you can tell action is this team's bread and butter (to a fault at times, but I'll get to that later)

Stuff I didn't like:

Good GOD is the pacing bad. Honestly I think it might be worse than season 1, there were so many times where I thought to myself "nothing is happening", and desperately wished they used the little time they had per episode to flesh characters out or have some more world building.

On that, as great as the action animation is, these scenes easily take up two thirds of each episode and it gets very, very boring after a while. It becomes difficult to appreciate them when they seem to just never end. There were so many times when I would become relieved when they finally took a pause, only for that relief to vanish a minute later when the egg council throws out more of the same exact cannon fodder for yet another battle scene

And speaking of the egg council, oooh boy did they get grating. I get this is a kids show, I'm not even expecting like ATLA levels of villains here, but they feel straight from Disney Junior. The concept of eggman cloning himself and having each one represent a different aspect of his psyche is fantastic, but it's completely squandered on one-dimensional tropes that tell literally the same exact jokes word for word, there is nothing intimidating about them

Like I said I desperately kept begging for SOME level of adequate screentime to flesh out the characters and other worlds, but as is, aside from Nine, the other versions of these guys just have One Bit and their worlds again feel ripped from Disney Junior. I was holding out hope that since season 1 had to introduce all of them that season 2 would get to show more, but no. Pirate world where they all go yar har and that's it. Jungle world where they do battle cries and that's it. Despite being the crux of the entire premise of this show they're painfully uninteresting

Where is Shadow!!!!!! What little we see of him is fantastic, too bad he's barely present! They hyped up his elevated appearance so much and seeing him hardly get to do anything was such a let down.

Chaos Sonic, as fun as he was, was only present for one episode. Why

It's very saddening to see this show fall into the recent trap plaguing media aimed at younger audiences where everything is dialed up to 11 nearly All the Time. The samey stock background action music hardly ever stops, once again these guys can't seem to go one minute without punching swarms of copy paste goons, we must keep jingling the keys because how else will we keep kids' attention. I think back to how 4Kids added unecessary music queues to every single action when adapting Sonic X and how much worse it was for it

Overall Prime has been really frustrating because there's so many glimmers of potential on display that get bogged down by the fact that they're just not willing to fully commit to and take any risk on. Idk how much of that is the team's fault, I don't doubt the possibility that higher up the chain some suits are holding their vision back. It just sucks bc I really, REALLY want to like this show more, but I can't really say it's more than just. Okay

I hope season 3 is able to reel it back in

[truemeg]

cursed child year 4 observations

-right off the bat i liked erik!scorpius because he doesn’t put on too strong of a “scorpius voice.” while i think other actors do too much of a voice, erik’s isn’t too much and i like it

-the way joel!albus hunches over and keeps his hands in front of him, very nick podany-core

-joelbus actually mouthing “gryffindor” during the sorting, i’m emotional

-not spencer!james laughing when albus gets put in slytherin 😭

-not year 4 specific, but I love when yann stops to stare at draco and harry and draco swipes him away or jumps at him because all i can think of is, my guy that is your son in a different universe

-im surprised at how outwardly expressive joelbus is?? i think i'm used to albuses who are much more inward and yet joelbus is putting all of his anger out on his sleeve. you can also see the visible changes between when he's interacting with scorpius and he's happy vs when he's interacting with someone else and his anger takes over

-before the blanket scene, the way harry was laughing with james for a brief second and then immediately looked at albus and was super awkward and didn't know how to interact with him, i'm going to jump off a bridge

-joelbus also doesn't hide how UNCOMFORTABLE he is around certain people/in certain situations, it's fascinating

-scorik and joelbus actually made their scorbus be "individually they are smart but put them together and they share one braincell" and i commend them for that

-scorik and joelbus get their faces SO CLOSE to each other

-yeah these two play the opposite of what you'd expect of a typical scorbus duo. joelbus is the more expressive one while scorik is the (slightly) more controlled, inward one

-scorpius being the more controlled one makes the "world of darkness" scenes a lot........better??? sometimes it is awkward to watch a jumpy, expressive scorpius in those scenes. especially when later scorpius says he learned about a darker version of himself. and also given how dangerous they hype this AU up to be, scorpius would HAVE to hide himself to fit in. I think a more controlled scorpius makes these scenes make a little more sense??? (this point isn't fully phrased the way i want it to be but we're rolling with it)

-joelbus is much more closed-off in act 2, particularly after the scene with his dad in the slytherin dorm. it's definitely albus fully grasping the seriousness of what they did in act 1 and the seriousness of what they go through in act 2. he's even shrinking away from scorpius and loosens up around him again as the act goes on (vaguely got a vibe that albus is also figuring out his feelings for scorpius during this time and doesn't really know how to be around scorpius while that's happening. and he needs a few moments of them interacting to get his rapport back with scorpius)

-ok act 2 scorik and joelbus feel like they swapped roles. now albus is the closed-off one and scorpius is the more jittery and expressive one. and i think (like i said above) it comes from both of them seeing how serious their adventures are and reacting in now opposite ways.

-i LOVE the blocking they have for the "standing over the baby" monologue, scorpius screaming it into albus' ear it was so funny

-HOW did these two manage to still act like scorbus shares one braincell while doing the scene where they're talking about the pearl dust 😂

-i like to think that aaron and erik's malfoy hug is more controlled because aaron can't handle anything more after having to physically catch brady for an entire year

-albus saying he liked delphi doesn't quite hit because joelbus gave no indication throughout the show that he did?? he very much did not take to delphi's advances which i like from joel's performance but now that line feels out of place, given what it's supposed to mean

-the unspoken conversation that albus and scorpius had in their last scene is SO OBVIOUS i love it. and both of them finally accepting the hug!!!!

-the way joelbus went into the nice day scene more open and positive and the way he smiled after harry said "i think that's a very good thing" was so sweet

[cloud-nath]

Let's talk about Aerith.

Is she a favoured character of mine? No. For my taste, she comes across as too pushy, rather juvenile, and incredibly suspicious (in the Remake, at least). One of my best friends loves her, as does her husband. I recall joking to them both when I was at their house last month about how their display case of figures has a disappointing lack of Tifa. They really need to make a Tseng figure, though, I'm just saying.

Anyway. Aerith wouldn't be my favourite. Even as a team member, it took me some time to warm to her. I played her a little in the OG FF7, and was pleased to find she hits people with her staff, as opposed to the (what I call) "shooty puff nonsense" she does in Remake. About three play-throughs later, I finally started to warm up to her, though she was still the last of my team to hit level 50. Some of her spells and her limit breaks are pure excellence, so even though her personality just isn't for me (what kind of absolute nut creates an obstacle course in their hallway to try and keep someone from leaving undetected?), as a playable character, I now have her in my rotation, as she's a lot of fun, and I will use her primarily ahead of Barret in their final fight in the Shinra building. Blessed be the white mage.

Now, let's bear in mind I'm someone who was largely unaffected by fandom hype when I started playing Remake during lockdown. I didn't have major opinions on anyone. I hadn't been as exposed to FF7 as I was to FF8 (and I will admit: I absolutely hated Rinoa. Just hated her). I had to ask Google what LTD was (I ask Google a lot of things these days - I'm an old lady now 🫠).

Aerith seems to be playing the role of an almost bubble-headed fun times girl, who sweetly bats her eyelashes and establishes herself as a seemingly harmless innocent, but even on my first play-through, I could tell something was very off with her. She knew things she shouldn't have (you could tell she knew the plate was definitely going to drop), and yet, for all her talk of wanting to fly in the face of destiny, she didn't seem to want to stop that, even though all of AVALANCHE definitely did. Why was that? Why was it seemingly okay to allow certain events to remain untouched (the dropping of the plate killing countless)? To me, at least, it feels like Aerith has an agenda all her own, and it's not wholly connected to protecting the Planet. A part of me has toyed with the idea that she's trying to change Zack's fate to bring him back to her, as it was clear from the end of Crisis Core that she knew he'd died, and grief can be a powerful motivator. I mean, that would be an interesting take, but it's just a take, and there's nothing evidentiary to support that. I'm assuming Rebirth will give some insight into her motives, and hopefully clarify why Marlene was so stunned by her when they hugged in Seventh Heaven. There's something not quite right about this Florist...

Having played both Remake and Crisis Core at this point (the former multiple times), I'm not incredibly convinced that there's anything romantic between Cloud and Aerith. When you stand her interactions with Cloud against her interactions with Zack, they're night and day. You can feel the chemistry from the get-go with Zack, whose own infectious, bright energy mirrors hers perfectly. They play off of one another, banter, and flirt in a way that has you rooting for them from the off. When it comes to Cloud, however, it's more like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Setting aside the fact Cloud has mental health problems, neither of them seem to show any special attachment to each other outside of a more platonic relationship. He seems to merely tolerate her at first, then comes to see her as a friend, while she seems to be somehow forcing herself into his personal space (figuratively speaking) and caring incredibly little about his well-being at the same time. Example: in the Drum inside the Shinra building, Tifa expresses her concern for Cloud's well-being after his encounter with Sephiroth, and Aerith seems to brush it aside and ask how Tifa herself is doing. The way I see it, Aerith cares a lot more about Tifa than she does about Cloud. I do like the growing friendship between the two ladies, though.

Right, can I briefly talk about the dresses? I didn't like the ostentatious red dress. It just didn't suit her. It was too much. Her makeup was nice, but the dress swallowed her. The middle one (the pink-toned high-low dress) was definitely my favourite. It very much suited her and she looked stunning in it. I'd wear that in a heartbeat.

Okay, to wrap up: the death. I may not have played through all of the OG FF7 yet, but I know Aerith dies. I do know my aforementioned best friend and husband both hope the story in Rebirth changes her fate and keeps her alive, but I gotta be honest: I think she has to die. It has to happen. I mean, it's such a huge part of the OG storyline, happening at a time when they didn't just kill off a protagonist like that, and since it doesn't seem like (from what I've read) they're going to be changing the main plot points of the FF7 story in Remake, I would wager she still dies. And I feel she has to. It's a major part of the story, a turning point in the narrative, part of what made the original such a stand-out in JRPG gaming of the time. I'm sure her fans (and I know there are a lot of them) want her to live, but I just don't think that's going to happen. If it does, I don't know what consequences that would have on everything else in the story.

And no, I don't think they'll kill Tifa instead.

[perihthiscasual]

Did the adulting today & found out I made a little over $2,000 in 2022... it's hardly a scratch on the surface, when compared.

I knew getting into it would be tough - I have a luxury that very, very few do, & that's the ability to put my full effort into things like this knowing that the outcome is very possible to be... just that. I don't have to worry about the bills not being paid, or the roof over my head being removed. Some grocery trips are slim & that's okay.

But I am very grateful & well-aware of just how lucky & fortunate I am in this kind of situation.

But it also takes a huge weight on me to know that... it's literately that small. It's hardly a pinch. & it's not fair for my partner in retrospect.

He's never bothered by it. He's nothing but unrelenting support & hype when it comes to doing what I do & what I love. But the overwhelming feeling of being a burden to his life style - an anchor down from other opportunities or something of that nature - he swears it's never the case but that doesn't stop the guilt or understanding that, he does, in fact, have an option to live a more comfortable life.

These thoughts tend to get the better of me somedays - especially when numbers are involved (buying our home was a nightmare for me, & taxes every year - even prior content creation are something that send a hollow hold on my chest. I've never succeeded in finding any full-time opportunities & the part-times are always 20 or less hours - or just beneath 40 to keep me from full-time payroll that I just break & leave). We've never had to owe anything minus one year when I found out my employer did not tax me for the entire first year I worked for them - a nasty incident, but, aside from that - we always get barely a second paycheck in turn for our yearly refund.

But shitty US tax law & returns aside...

I thought I had made a jump between 2021 & 2022 in streaming. I genuinely felt like I made a noticeable difference in my presentation, my schedule, my output. But the numbers show otherwise that I'm still not.. quite there. Hardly moved, really.

& it makes me fearful for 2023.

With the rebrand finally done, it's a weight lifted that I can move forward comfortably & confidently without the Bungie sticker stuck to my foot. But lately even my Tiktoks have been a shot in the dark - is it the content? the hours its posting? wrong tags? Am I still messing up to such a degree that I've stunted my own growth?

It's hard to tell. I've been digging at my analytics on all of my accounts - & I can't find where the decline starts. What is excused primarily as RNG can only be so much - there has to be SOMETHING I can do to change the pace & find traction.

But I really don't want this to be a third year in a row of maximum effort, minimum reward. Nor do I want to devalue my content creation in any way that some may view it as not worthwhile. I would never want to put out any less for those who've stuck with me thus far & those who haven't even found me yet. As someone who wants to pursue this - I want to be worth your time.

I was recommended an application for a job over the summer.

It would mean a change in stream-times, if it somehow miraculously succeeds; but I'm not holding myself to it. Yet if it does.. somehow. Monetarily, it would be a noticeable change. But I worry it would cause my content creation to fall flat. Gods, I really, really don't want it to fall flat after dedicating a sole two years.

But I don't want to play the risk that isn't trying to maintain a reliable income VS continuing my creation pursuit. At the very, very least - I owe it to Kashil to try.

Pardon my nightly thoughts. I had to get them out somewhere.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

i actually feel pretty bad for mhj after that press conference and I hope there’s some way for hybe to help everyone deal with what has probably been a traumatic time within the label. she seems genuinely unwell to me, just based off of the number of times she mentioned su!c!de or other people being worried about her doing that, seemingly including newjeans members and their families. That’s such an inappropriate emotional position for these girls to be in. I hope hybe gets a handle on this and stops letting it play out so publicly

Honestly, I'm not following this whole shit show super seriously - I see what Redditors and Army on Twitter say, but I'm not reading all the articles or emails, nor did I watch the press conference; I don't need to see who's right or wrong. My opinion of Hybe is already low, and it doesn't appear they did anything particularly awful according to the low bar set by corporate standards, so I don't particularly care about what they did - besides hiring MHJ, because everyone knew she was an egomaniac creep, but no one cares about asshole millionaires unless it blows up in their faces (usually, it doesn't - eg. SB - so Hybe was truly 'unlucky' here). But, yeah, Hybe didn't care she was a creep, and now they're paying for it - serves them right that their reputation is tanking, but the idols were innocent... (V is paying for it too - hope this serves as a lesson - sorry, not sorry).

So, yeah, MHJ is probably not wrong about everything. ILLIT is technically not plagiarizing NJ, but Hybe are riding out the NJ trend, the same way every group under SM sounds like NCT (albeit for different reasons), or BM sounds like BP... The album thing, I agree is bad, but does she want me to believe she cares about the idols' self-esteem or the environment or whatever?

The bottom line is, she's a manipulative weirdo who is trashing every young group under the sun (most of them of minors or young idols), keeps using the NJ members to draw sympathy towards herself (apparently they talked a grown-ass woman out of committing suicide??? that's emotional manipulation and would be child neglect if she were their actual mother), said Minji used to be prettier when she was younger (no comments), etc.

I don't give a fuck what Hybe did or didn't do, I would happily put her in jail for a little while - or better yet give her money to the idols she insulted for emotional damages. Let's have Bang PD do that as well, while we're at it. This whole circus is because he hired her and gave her power. He doesn't need all that blood money - add this to the million other disgusting things about him.

Like, she's clearly emotional unwell, but she's a terrible person so my sympathy towards her is limited. As to the claims that this or that person are worried about her well-being, and that she thought of committing suicide, there is 0 proof any of that is true - and this woman is a liar - and even if it is, it changes nothing for me, sorry.

NJ are in a terrible position right now, because of her, her alleged 'mother', and I fucking hope their parents aren't like the parents of the young boys MJ bought off to abuse - I hope they actually try to separate MHJ from them...

The golden group crashed and burned so fast. I'm sure they'll recover but atp it's hard to know how it will go - at least for me. All this hype about the next big thing and MHJ/Hybe have lowkey 'ruined' them already. This is unrelated but stans should shut up about predicting the future. Their chances are good - this isn't Fifty-Fifty - but, yeah... the endless parade of rookie ggs who are the next whatever, only to end up being 'replaced' by the next young thing in line for the throne is annoying. Stop pitting girls against each other.

I'm not sure Hybe has a say in what MHJ does right now. They can control their own responses but not hers... Hybe don't seem to be doing a great job of things, but I doubt MHJ is giving unhinged press conferences because they can help it.

TL;DR: MHJ and BHS can both burn.

Anyway, thanks for the ask!

[stargazeraldroth]

Rainy here again to agree with you on your tags!

People definitely get very… Intense? About how very specific characters are portrayed by the fandom, regardless of how canon that portrayal may or may not be. I swear, it’s the same reason I interpret Error as such an asshole sometimes, in my own AUs- I’d be much more open to him being a better person if people weren’t so. Damn. Insistent. On him being the good guy and slandering Ink in the process.

If 404 is as hyped up as Error’s alleged moral superiority is, then I can see why it’d annoy you so much… I don’t actually know much about Alphatale and the characters, but it seems like something that’d get to me, especially if it’s played in conjunction with making Ink out to be the bad guy.

🌧️ Rainy Anon 🌧️

I'm gonna keep it real with all of you, I genuinely don't remember much about Alphatale. I remember bits and pieces, but I haven't actually checked the AU's canon in a while... both for Alphatale and Alphaverse. I don't even know what the difference between them is. All I know is that I care about 404 and sometimes the Astral Mother when her involvement is convenient for me, and that I feel like I'm entering an active minefield whenever I have to go to the wiki to check something.

Honestly, I do kinda understand why people can be so insistent about sticking to the canon. I do think knowing what's canon and what isn't is important! I'm not trying to downplay the canon or the work put into the AU. While I'm not the biggest fan of Alphatale/Alphaverse, I do think there's a lot of passion and care put into the project by its creator, and I admire that. I want to be like that, able to create and work on an ambitious AU project regardless of what people might think of it! I honestly don't have much serious beef with the AU, all of my irritation and dislike for it comes from people who try to pressure me into perfectly abiding by it. It's the same situation as my relationship with the FGOD concept: I don't hate it, I actually quite like the concept, but fans end up ruining it for me.

And before anyone says anything, yes I know, I shouldn't let other people ruin things for me. But after so long of the same stuff, it gets tiring. I feel like if I were to include 404 in something and then abide by Alphatale canon, it would be more limiting to my creative freedom than its inclusion is worth. My creative freedom- in my own AU- would be far too limited if I took every canon factor into consideration. And that's not fair to me, or to anyone who is trying to make an AU.

Because, see, people generally disregard the complete canon for characters like Ink, Error, and the twins on an almost daily basis. When you make an AU for Undertale, you kinda have to accept that people might interpret your characters differently and aren't guaranteed to stick to the canon details. That goes for anything in general, not just the Undertale community. But it especially applies if your AU/characters are very popular in such a big community. You don't have to agree with it, but you do have to accept that things like this will happen. Not just as a character creator, but as a fan of such works too, because I can guarantee that everyone has strayed from canon at least once. If everyone strictly abided by canon, I bet more than half of the Undertale community's content wouldn't exist. Hell, even Underverse- one of the most popular pieces right now- wouldn't exist because parts of it conflict with the characters' canons.

For example, Nightmare canonically cannot feel anything other than negative emotions. Dream cannot hate anyone, even the douchebag that he calls his brother. I believe it's canon that Ink doesn't remember tearing his soul apart, but I'm not 100% sure, I think I'm like 50/50 on that one. And yet, we don't always take these factors into consideration when making content.

AUs exist for fun. The whole point is to have fun with a bunch of different ideas. And when it stops being fun and feels more like a chore, where there's too many set-in-stone rules to follow based on what characters you include, then there's a problem. If we don't get shit for turning Ink into evil incarnate or wobbifying Error into the UwU-pocalypse that everyone hated, then why should people get shit for straying even the tiniest bit from 404's canon? I'm genuinely asking, what makes 404 so special compared to everyone else? What makes 404 above everyone else to the point where we aren't allowed to have even the smallest bit of fun with his character? What makes 404 the one where we have no choice but to follow every single aspect of canon?

I nerf 404 when I include him in stuff. I make him weaker than he is in canon. Why? Because it's convenient for me and fits my AUs. If I kept him as overpowered, untouchable, and unbeatable as he is in canon, then there's no point in including him at all. Because then he could either just solve the problem with a snap of his fingers or, in the situation where I have him as the villain, there's nothing that can be done. I change his character to fit into the AU because that's the only way his existence will work.

And I know what you're gonna say, "But Stargazer, you don't HAVE to include him!" yeah, you're right. But I also don't have to include Ink. I don't have to include Error, the twins, Reaper, CORE, etc. But I still do. Because I like their characters and it's fun. It's the same for 404- I like him and it's fun to use him in a story. Also, some parts of his canon just don't work with the AUs, such as him being Error's mentor. He's also just not as mysterious as some people seem to think he is... if we're taking all of canon into consideration, it's very likely that Ink knows he exists lmao, and it's not just some "I saw someone who looked like Error... but white!" (this sounded funnier in my head)

Also, just wanna mention this piece: Some of the canon with 404's character directly conflicts with the canon of other characters, such as Error, who canonically DOESN'T have a mentor, which makes it counterproductive and hypocritical to the argument of sticking to canon in the first place.

Anyway, I have a lot of feelings about 404 and I have a lot of passion. Unfortunately, I don't have the ability to really communicate my thoughts in a way that's very coherent, so I'm sorry if I'm like. All over the place with this. There was more I wanted to say, I think, but I don't remember what it was. I also wanna give a quick shoutout to those people who comment stuff like "404's the strongest Sans" on stuff where he isn't involved or doesn't exist!!!

I guess the main takeaway from this would be that it is possible to be compliant with canon aspects while also having as much creative freedom as you want, and you shouldn't sacrifice your own enjoyment for your own AU just because of canon. AUs exist because people deviated from canon, so arguing that you absolutely have to abide by canon 100% is going against the very foundation of AUs. And abiding by one AU's canon 100% can interfere with the canon of another AU (for example, I believe Comyet confirmed that Canon Ink wouldn't do the X-Event, but Cross's canon requires Ink to do it, which is a direct conflict/contradiction of canon), so you may as well just have fun with doing whatever the hell you want.

Honestly, I've been pressured into just. Stopping some fanfics entirely because of people constantly leaving comments about my 404 portrayal not being 100% accurate to canon. Yet every other characters gets a free pass?? Erm... okay?? And if you leave comments like that, giving unwanted "corrections", I just have one question for you: Why? Literally why? What do you get from this? What motivates you do to this? And yes, I know I said one question, but I don't care.

Like I don't always like how FGOD stories/AUs portray Ink and/or Dream as villains, but do I leave comments preaching about canon or anything? No, I just stop reading it. I get nothing out of leaving that kind of comment except being an asshole, and I'd probably make the author feel bad. Which I don't want. Their work doesn't exist to cater to my wants and what I think is best, their work exists for THEM. Just like how my AUs and my work exist for me. Yeah, it's fun to share them with people and interacting with others because of them is a nice feeling, but at the end of the day, they only exist because I want them to.

I'm just gonna end it here. My head's starting to hurt and I'm worried that if I continue, I'm gonna get too passionate about my opinions and start sounding cocky or like a righteous ass.

[hellas-himself]

WIP Whenever because you already know.

I’m the worst :)

Tagged by the darling @schoute​

Life has been... shit. I’ve been drawing some more at least but I haven’t read any books and writing fics has come to a very sad pause. 

But I FINALLY made a break through with my story. So here is the beginnings of the minor rewrite I’m doing to give Z, Manny and Sam what they deserve ;) @mythicaitt​ I spent the last few days going back to older work and seeing that I did lay down enough foundation so the OT3 can be a thing and it not be out of left field. I am soooooo excited. 

She had been falling asleep when she heard a loud bang from downstairs. Zahara rose to her feet and hurried out of her room as she heard shouting, weapons being drawn. Soldiers stepped aside as she rushed to the front doors of the castle and stopped when she found June holding her dagger to an angel’s neck.

The angel was beautiful, with porcelain skin and raven hair… black wings so unlike her brother’s pure white. Her dark eyes met Zahara’s and despite having a blade to her neck and being shorter than her, the angel seemed to be looking down at Zahara. 

“What the hell is this?” Zahara demanded and her brother answered, keeping his gaze on the angel.

“She brought Zacharia back to us… unconscious.”

“He’s unharmed-” The angel stopped when June stepped a little closer.

“She says she’s here for you.” June pressed her dagger enough to draw blood.  

“And only her,” the angel said and June huffed a laugh. But before June could say a word, Zahara felt Samson as he appeared behind her. She watched what little color the angel had fade from her face as she beheld him, as he took his place beside Zahara. 

“A half-truth,” Samson said far too calmly and the angel’s eyes widened. “This is the archangel Raphael… Emmanuel’s been taken- because of her.”

June let go of the archangel right before Zahara’s fist connected with her jaw.

“What the fuck did you do?” she growled as she took her by the hair, forcing the archangel to look up as she summoned fire with her free hand, holding the flames up to Raphael’s face.  

“I was buying him time,” Raphael stammered out. “I swear. Samson… tell her!”

“Where is he?” Samson asked instead. 

“I’ll take you to him,” Raphael replied. “But you won’t find him if I’m dead.”

“Try me, bitch,” Zahara hissed and Raphael flinched as the flames threatened to lick her too perfect skin.

“She speaks true,” Samson said at last, and Raphael sighed with relief as Zahara let her go and stepped back. She shook her hand, letting the flames die out. 

 “You’re going to take us to him.” Zahara motioned for June to follow her as she walked away. “And if there’s even one scratch on him, you and your Legion will be nothing but ash.”

Raphael is actually who Manny was in love with but Z doesn’t know that. Yet ;) 

I can’t wait to flesh this out better but it’s a start. AND WHEN Z FINDS MANNY. ugh my heart guys

[laguezze]

Since my first PAC was quite a success I'm here for more!

PAC Reading: Random messages from your soulmate

I'm doing this thinking of a romantic soulmate, the one and only definitive one. You know who lol.

W A R N I N G ⚠️

It's honest, it's blunt, it's me 💅

Cussing

Also, might get a bit non PG. I'm gonna try keep it PG 16+ so if you're under that age pls leave and focus on school and your dreams because that's what's important right now. Don't rush love, sweetie. It will come to you when it's meant to come to you.

Are we ready? Stacy gworls, it's going 👇

(if you get that reference you're an MVP)

Let's go!

Pile 1

Pile 2

Pile 3

PILE 1

Hey girl (that's what I channeled, don't come at me). What you doin' (imitating that one F.R.I.E.N.D.S character i don't remember the name of)

Let's listen to Bruno Mars together and dance under the moonlight on our living room.

I guess there isn't much moonlight on our living room, though.

Oh well, whatever. You get what I mean.

Listen, our life may be simple but we're not. We're complicated. You more than me, though, I'm a little dumb sometimes.

Can we get a dog? A big intimidating one, not a Chihuahua pls you know i can't stand those little freaks. They freak me out, i don't get the hype around them.

I wanna grow old with you, but stay young at the same time. I am afraid of stopping with age. I wanna do things with you forever, I want nothing to stop me. Lol that has connotations if you know what i mean *wink wink*

Anyways, babe. I love everything about you. Even when you're a grumpy h*e and cuss me out for not throwing expired cheese away.

I still believe cheese doesn't expire but i throw it away for you. Because i love you and i respect you and your weird ass stomach that can't handle expired cheese that's not actually expires because cheese overall does not expire ever.

AnywAYS i will stop trying to pick a fight over cheese.

I love you. 3000, 3001, 3002, 3003...

Ok I'll stop

I'll see you soon when i get home.

Your one and only local dumbass.

I love your person skdjdjdjjd they are hilarious I'm ded.

PILE 2

Wassup, bestie. One word: YoLo

(what is wrong with your person, they seem to like teasing you with weird slang skdjdjjd love that)

Moving on, can we like... Talk? You've been so distant lately and it hurts me to realize how far away we are from each other both psychically and mentally.

I don't get why we can't just love each other, it's so unfair.

I love you too much to handle, and I will be there every step of the way. I don't care if you're not successful right now, you will be soon and I'll be there with a sign that says: YOU DID IT! screaming your name.

You are my best friend and my lover simultaneously but you also are my family.

I simply can't live without you.

Please don't give up on me, or your dreams, or anything. Just do not give up.

I love you, ok?

Thanks for being in my life.

Random but i got: spicy tamale, spicy chicken, chicken tenders, 22, LGBTQ community, church

PILE 3

Hey love,

I don't have much to say, you know who i am. Even if you don't know me yet, i am there in your subconscious, letting you know that i exist, letting you know that i acknowledge your existence and can't bare this time in separation.

But worry not, as our souls will find each other. Maybe not soon, but trust that they will. We are meant to be together, always and forever.

You say i remind you of your childhood crush, you say I'm like Edward Cullen and i act like i hate it but i don't. The fact that i resemble something you love so dearly makes me feel important, as if I've been there with you forever.

Plus, vampires are sexy creatures.

I'm glad we don't know each other yet here in the real world. I cannot believe what a mess i am right now. But I'll straighten up for you, dear. I always do.

Stop overthinking and worrying. You'll do great at that function. You always do great and it pains me to see you so nervous. I'll be there in spirit sending you flowers and love. Always with you, no matter what.

I love you, sweetheart. You and your small, little hands.

DANG Y'ALL, WE GETTIN THAT BELLA SWAN ERA WITH THIS PERSON. (I picked this one)

THE END

Hope it resonated!!

[mari-lair]

LMAOOOOOO I CAN ALREADY IMAGINE FULL SUPERNATURAL AKANE BEING THE UNHINGED YET PASSIONATE ASSHOLE OF A FUCKER THAT TERU EVER MET IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE AND ENJOYS TO BE WITH

My clock isn't ticking just brings a lot of potential! Like the exploration of his abilities as the governor of the present because he isn't a contractor in this au (which means unhinged and dangerous akane who can go further than stopping time for 15 mins *cheers*), his relationships with the cast now that he isn't human (like how does aoi acts now she doesn't have a childhood friend who loves her despite her flaws or with hanako now that akane might've been with him starting from his death (or perhaps when he was amane yugi?) to being the little shit toilet we know), him still being soooo human than Teru and having a real understanding of what being human means while living in the present forever and still a lovesick fool (ugh i just love him), and Akane just being an unhinged and passionate bitch is amazing! All of it is just amazing to me!

But for Teru as well! He falls down, fucking hard, for someone who belonged to a race that he swore to exorcised. But still, he realized that he can become just Teru, not the eldest son who carried the Minamoto name like it was a boulder of burden and responsibilities just so that his siblings won't risk their lives and their little town isn't overun by the other side – but Teru, who is can be a little shit without concern that Akane will leave him and excited for arcade games, and perhaps liiiikeeees to spend time with said redhead!

Gah I'm rambling again but all in all, my vote went to my clock isn't ticking!

Your ramblings are always such a delight to read Anon!! Since this was the idea that won and will eventually be turned into a fic,I can’t leave many headcanons here, but I love your hype!!

Tsukasa once said ‘the strongest your wish, the strongest the supernatural’ so even tho Akane was never human, he will still be very strong, arguably the strongest of the clock keepers. He can stop time for up to 6 hours a day, and while he rarely uses so much time, he doesn’t hold back. He uses it whenever he feels like it: Pausing a human/supernatural he finds pretty, helping out his crushes that can’t even see him, or just leaving a conversation he got tired of.

The biggest difference however is that Akane has an awful memory, he rarely remembers things that happened 5 years ago. From 10 years? No chance, unless it was a core moment in his life (someone dear died/ a particularly strong crush of his loved him back) he will not remember it, and even then, the details get very muddled. He is his own person, but he truly stays in the present.

Aoi will be far shyer without Akane. In the midnight convenience store spin-off she had long skirts and a cap, clearly trying to not call attention, I can see her trying to be ‘bland’ in school too, terrified of being alone and hating with all her heart to be touched. She’ll be very paranoid and stay with Nene a lot. She’ll even stick near Lemon, since his eyes scare people, eventually noticing he has no interest in her and becoming friends. 

Teru will meet Akane when he is still 14 so Akane feels ‘older’ at first, even though the clock keeper does not know his own age. Teru is very wary of Akane, able to tell when his time was stopped, and not trusting the supernatural in the slightest, but he is reluctantly intrigued too, Akane is the first anything that doesn’t mind his ruthless side, paying full attention to what he says and keeping conversation even when Teru insults him. For a cockroach, its values are surprisingly human too.

[purplexiasphinx]

ok so I'm hyperfixating therefore I will hyperanalyze Rider's Lullaby please enjoy

So

Okay

I'm on mobile so I can't put a readmore so uhhh beware of spoilers pls scroll

Okay

Okay

I'm very obsessed with this. First of all, we don't actually... we don't actually have much information on Rider. She's just Rider, y'know? We know a lot about Horse. We know Horse is brave and strong and willing to give up... anything to keep the people she cares about safe. And that's beautiful.

But PAST that. Rider's Lullaby is sort of... well. Okay.

Let me put it like this.

The Nowhere King's song is often called a lullaby. Rider's Lullaby is literally called a lullaby. It's in the name. Okay, now hear me out bc as you can PROBABLY tell this is going to get a little Out There.

OKAY so. They are both lullabies. What if... what if Rider's Lullaby is some sort of... counter to The Nowhere King.

It holds so much love and trust in it, locked hands and bright eyes and longing.

And this fucking line.

I'll never, ever leave your side...

I have not stopped thinking about this line.

ALONG WITH

I'll stay here through the darkest night...

PLUS I keep accidentally writing nightmare king when I mean nowhere king and that cannot just be a coincidence

I mean it CAN but I refuse to believe that because I am MAKING my crack theories and you're gonna LIKE IT

But PAST that because I had a new idea, WHAT IF...

...

what if he just didn't want to be alone?

The Nowhere King kind of reminded me of Elias. You know the one maybe.

this fucking guy.

ANYWAYS

He reminds me of Elias.

And you know what Elias was? (At least, in the manga, which is all I have as I have not seen the anime yet)

He was lonely.

He had Chise, after a time. And they were happy. Or, at least, as happy as they could be while in constant peril.

Who did the Nowhere King have?

He had the mysterious woman, at some point.

And then she left.

She trapped him in Nowhere.

... she made him what he is now.

All that is good can never last, right?

My theory is he was toxic anyways, but she loved him. Probably still does.

He isn't just... some malevolent being here to destroy everything for shits and giggles.

He's a person with thoughts and feelings and he's hurting. That doesn't excuse his actions in the slightest, but that doesn't excuse hers either.

Sometimes the best thing is to end it all. But... what if? What if he could have been saved, if she'd... if she'd just been a little braver? Stronger? If... if she hadn't cared so much, she could have ended it.

At least, that's how I think she thinks.

What if.

She's gotta be tired of 'what if's. Of wondering. Of worrying. Of tearing herself apart with guilt and remorse, wishing she could have just done something.

But she can't. And there's nothing left to do.

OKAY BACK TO THE ORIGINAL TOPIC

Rider's Lullaby is a sign of trust and safety. The Nowhere King's song is a sign of danger, and unease.

I really like the lines "You will bring joy to the Nowhere King... when he sees the light leaving your eyes" combined with the fact that sometimes the light actually leaves his eyes. His eyes are dark, soulless voids... but also they aren't. They have a light. It just...

I don't think that's a soul. That is an evil presence, a darkness within light.

The woman is a light within darkness.

But...

Now, this is gonna go way out past what I was talking about and just do a complete U-Turn back to the Nowhere King because IN CASE YOU COULD NOT TELL he is one of my favorite characters right after the Gang (they count as one character solely because I could never pick between them)

OKAY

So.

his song.

It always contains a lot of voices. More than you can see. The plants sing, sure, BUT.

Those plants aren't centaurs. We've seen centaur trees, and plenty of other things... but those plants are just... plants. That Sing.

And from the Shamans, we know that at least some plants are connected and speak easily.

And then there's the flowers.

I think that they are part of the Nowhere King. They aren't just plants, they're roots. They're connections.

And. Going even farther out.

I think they might also be souls. Souls that the Nowhere King has taken. Stolen. Consumed. Each voice in the chorus is someone that has been lost in the inky-black pool that is... him.

He is a corruption. An infestation.

But... what if he isn't? What if the Nowhere King is really just the skull, and the 'ink' is the real problem? What if he was corrupted, just like the rest of the voices?

What if... what if the light already left his eyes, and he's merely a husk for the one pulling the strings?

What if he died a long, long time ago... and she (the woman) just couldn't handle that? What if she couldn't live without him? What if she was willing to do anything to save him?

What if she was willing to even do something despicable, something nobody was willing to do?

I saw a post talking about how there's probably another world, the one where the Minotaurs came from? What if... what if they're not the only thing that came from there?

A human body can only take so much strain before it collapses. Falls apart.

However, a centaur body...

Maybe something needed a host. And the woman was the perfect vessel... to bring it to the host it needed.

Maybe it offered life. An exchange. It could have a host, and she could have the one she loved back.

But it wasn't him anymore. It wasn't the person she knew. He was the Nowhere King now.

A waking nightmare.

So she did the only thing she could, and locked him away.

Where he couldn't hurt anyone. And nobody could hurt him.

Nothing good is meant to last.

Anyways I'm just really hyped for the next season ok bye

[transmandrake]

Having a lot of thoughts. I know for a fact I'm autistic, no doubt about that, but I'm starting to think I have ADHD now perhaps.

This was never an issue before but I absolutely cannot stop walking around and switching tasks. I have 2 very interesting books on the counters of the kitchen that I'm literally reading a page of then continuing to walk in circles. I drew some stuff this morning in the middle of this, very fun and good but I have to move. I wanted to play a bit of Hades the past few days and even though its very fun even that isn't stopping me from repeatedly walking around, even 'til my legs hurt.

I've been describing this as 'oh, I have to walk around for a few hours in the morning before I can sit down and work' but now even hours isn't wearing me out. Hell, being worn out isn't getting me to sit. I'm musing on getting a standing desk which would be nice anyway but that's not a solution if the problem is that I can't... focus.

It is a problem I have. I can't write, even if I know something. I don't know how I passed English, I barely gave in any work. Part of why I make a comic and not a book. Even when I write a line my brain feels like a magnet repelling from the page, not even in an unpleasant way, I just have to get up. Then come back... oh, where was I, figure out what I was previously writing, get up again because that took effort and time... it goes nowhere. I have to ride a bout of focus or bust. I can't even rely on deadline panic, I only panic AFTER the deadline. WHY!

Its an absurd thought but. What if I've always been like this and its only now becoming a problem now we've 'fixed' my periods? What if the only reason I was so good at sitting down and doing stuff is because I didnt have the energy to move? I mean, the writings always been a problem but now everything feels like writing. ...Have I just been losing pints of blood every month for so long that I convinced myself I'm a naturally sessile and dormant person? I've never felt this good and alive my entire life yet ironically I've never been this unproductive!

Not to mention, I do crave carbs and sugar, and do on occasion find drinking cola to focus me. But I also get quite a hype off both (even the carbs. Ever get super pumped eating some toast? Just me?) so I'm not sure if that's a clue or not. I will never ever try coffee No Matter How Nice It Smells so I can't take any ideas from that. If it did focus me I know I'd get addicted to it, and addiction is very. Very. Very strong. In my family. Can't risk it.

I definitely don't hyperfocus on anything though, not like how I see other people with ADHD do (All my other siblings and my mom are). On occasion I'll have a burst of focus for something but never for more than, say, a week. Usually a single day. I think that's.... 'normal'. Had incredible Spamton brainrot, drew like. 2 pages of him, and my brain said, 'okay, I'm done' and that was it, wierd as hell feeling. Literally felt the fixation lift. I never finish videogames unless they are very short because I cannot focus on them long enough. Even if the passion comes back, I restart the game, because its been ages since I last played. There are some games Ive had dozens of playthroughs in and hundreds of hours sunk, and not a single one I've gotten to the end of.

What keeps me running is definitely my special interests... there aren't many of them, but they are always there, and I can always reliably count on them for... brain occupation. I do not get bored often. My boredom comes from being unable to engage with them, not from a lack of wanting to. However they are weak and the focus off of them does not override the Walkies anymore. I still want to do them, but I can't.

Shame even an unsuccessful assessment would be so expensive... BUT if I want to reapply for disability (please... I am... not capable of typical work schedules...also free trains so I dont have pressure to learn to drive...) I need some formal diagnosis...

I still want a proper autism one (I have one already but its shit and evidently wasnt enough) but it'd be more efficient and cost effective to see about possible ADHD rather than getting a bunch of paper telling me stuff I already know.

[mysimpleme14]

Sasusaku: Selfish

Note: I have a soft spot for Sasusaku blank period, and last night my brain decided to award me with an angsty Sasusaku dream at 4pm. I ain't good at writing but I just can't let that dream go, it was beautiful 😭 hope you will enjoy, excuse my grammar please don't sue

Sasuke stands still, eyes staring at the pink-haired girl, lying weak on the bed. Her face is filled with bruises and bandages wrapped around her arms. His loose hands becomes a tight grip as he recall yesterday's incident. Seeing Sakura unconcious, in her most awful state on the ground destroyed him. It was because of him, and he was too late to save her.

"I'm sorry, Sakura" his words come out as a soft whisper, even he could hardly hear them. Sasuke turns around after hearing a click at the door.

"You're leaving already?" Naruto lifts his eyebrows, scaning his bestfriend from head to toe. He's wearing his usual black cloak, ninja equipments are safe inside the small bag tied around his thigh and a black bag he carries behind him. Seeing Sasuke turns around to look at Sakura one last time before walking towards the ward room door, Naruto knows he doesn't need an answer.

"Hey, look. Sakura-chan isn't awake yet. Maybe you should wait until-"

"I have to go, Naruto" he says before feeling a hand on his shoulder stopping him from behind.

"Sasuke, its not your fault."

Silence.

Naruto doesn't need to hear anything from Sasuke, he knows him well enough, a guy who talks as less as he can, hiding all of his pain alone behind those lonely eyes.

"Naruto" Sasuke says while turning his head to look at his childhood rival.

"Convince her to accept the proposal. Tell her to stop waiting for me. I don't know when I'll be back"

"Wha- the hell, Sasuke? You know she loves you too much she would wait forever for you!"

"She can't possibly wait forever, can she?" He says with a smirk before feeling a dull pain on his left cheek. Eyes wide, Sasuke stares at the guy infront of him.

"Snap out of it, will ya?! No one loves you more than her and you know that. You just don't want to admit it. You think I didn't notice how you look at her everytime we hang out when you get back?" Sasuke just replied with a short "Tch"

"Now I dare you stare at me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel the same way. I dare you watch her accept that proposal and marry another guy. I dare you, Sasuke!" Naruto's eyes reflect his feelings perfectly, anger. Sasuke sighs, trying to get all of his strength to stand back up and replies very calmly.

"Enough is enough, Naruto. Don't you think Sakura already suffered too much?"

"She won't be happy with me. She deserves someone so much better than me. Someone who will love her" he pauses

"More than I ever will" its a soft mumble but Naruto can still hear every word.

"She was kidnapped because of me, Naruto. Tortured because of me. This isn't even the first time. People put her through these because of me. Now don't tell me she hadn't had enough"

This time it is Naruto who keeps his mouth shut.

"I have many enemies. I just- don't want her to suffer because my past"

-----

Sakura is panting. She can hardly feel her legs. But there is something more important to settle right here, right now. And there he is, the love of her life standing still infront of her. She sees his eyes widened, and stays like that for a brief second, before turning into his usual cold eyes, staring at her.

"Sasuke-kun.." she walks slowly towards him. Her injury from the incident two days ago doesn't make it any better, but she doesn't care. All she wants to do right now is to hold the man she loves most, and settle this once and for all.

She knows what she had was mutual, she can feel the bond between Sasuke and her closer than ever now. The way he talks changes after his journey of redemption. The soft touch on her forehead he gives everytime before starting his trip. His small gestures of walking her home everytime the team hangs out, the subtle moments of him trying to brush away her patients when they started asking her personal questions. Sasuke was never the type to convey his feelings through words, she knows this much by now.

"I love you" she whispers briefly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She stays for a while and continues.

"No matter how long it takes.. I will wait for you" Sasuke is still in shock, the familiar smell Sakura had since they were genin wrapped around him as tight as those small but strong arms. He takes a moment to close his eyes, feeling his fast beating heart. Slowly, he took his hand moving it to her shoulder.

"Sakura"

"Go home" he says breaking the warm hug before staring at the girl infront of him, inches apart.

"Sasuke-kun.. I really want you to know that I-"

"Go home, Sakura" as cold as ice, Sasuke stares deep into her green eyes, he can see tears falling down her cheeks. She slowly pushes herself away, looking down, trying hard to distance herself from him before turning away. She gives him one last look, hoping he would say one word, just one word, 'Stay'. Sakura starts to run as fast as she could when that man doesn't respond as she hoped.

Sasuke stares at her shadow, gritting his teeth to ease a pain he is so used to by now, a sharp prick in his chest. The pain is proof and he knows what it meant. He knows.. he cares.

A lot.

---

A year passes by and Sasuke is now in Konoha after being summoned by the Hokage, Kakashi because of some trouble in the village. He has been staying for a week, and everything is the same as it always has except..

He hasn't seen Sakura. He isn't sure if she's just busy at the hospital performing some surgery he can't even pronounce or she is successfully trying hard to avoid him.

Thanks to Naruto, he got news less than a year ago that Sakura declined the marriage proposal, and is currently working hard to open her own Children Clinic.

He can still remember seeing her running around the hospital hallway in emergencies, wearing her white coat, watching her hands glowing with chakra. Her forehead would be filled with beads of sweat, worried expression never leave her face, not until she can save a patient. That face would immediately change bright and cheerful once that small machine beside her patient starts to beep again.

Sakura loves what she does so much, he thinks to himself with a smile. As much as he tries to deny it, Sasuke knows how much that woman changed ever since he left for his revenge. She became so strong, so matured and very determined especially when it comes to things she loves. Anyone who is sane enough would want to make her a life partner, he smirks as he remembers Sakura's marriage proposal the villagers were so hyped up about a year ago.

'Ring' his thought is distracted by the doorbell sound. It takes Sasuke seconds to open his door and the figure infront of him brings some weird feeling in his stomach.

"Sakura"

"I.. um.." he watches her stutter before she looks at him in the eyes, and Sasuke swears he can see flame in them.

"I was passing by his office and Kakashi-sensei asked me to give these to you" Sasuke takes the scrolls from her hands and replies with a short "Aaa"

"Then. I'm going. Good day" she says with a formal bow and turns around

"Sakura" he sees her jolt at her name being called. Sasuke pauses and thinks of the things he always wanted to say to her, ever since that day when he sees her tears for the first fime after years. He opens his mouth slightly but changes his mind.

"Thank you" he says.

Sakura replies with a simple nod and walks away. Sasuke can't help but stare at her figure from behind until she can no longer reach his sight. He looks at the scrolls in his hand and sigh.

"I'm sorry, Sakura. Its better this way" he whispers to himself.

---

"Take care, idiot. Sorry I can't see you off tomorrow" Naruto says with a soft punch on his shoulder.

"Nah, its fine. Thanks" he replies short. Naruto is about to walk home when Sasuke calls him again before saying.

"Take care of Sakura"

He sees Naruto pause and scoff before turning away and wave his hand. Sasuke stares at the sky, wondering if she will come to see him off like she always do tomorrow. Thinking whether she will ask him if she can come along, as she does everytime he wants to start his journey again.

Probably not, he thinks. It is never the same anymore now. Whenever Team 7 hangs out, Sakura will either be joining them late, or excuse herself very early giving ward rounds in the morning as an excuse. It is never her fault though. It is his. It has always been his.

Sasuke is about to close the door to his apartment when he sees a familiar girl walking silently towards his direction. There's that weird feeling in his abdomen again, he isn't comfortable but he doesn't hate it.

"Sasuke-kun" she says upon reaching infront of him.

A long pause.

"I- I just want to say goodbye. And goodluck on your travel tomorrow" she smiles to him brightly, but he can see pain in her eyes. He replies with a short thank you and expects to see her turning away to walk home. But she just stays there silently, its as if she is trying to battle her own thoughts. Sasuke is about to ask when he feels a pair of warm lips on his. His eyes widen as he feel her hands gripping his shirt, and later after a short second, she lets go.

"What happened a year ago.. I-it was never your fault, Sasuke-kun. I know you have been blaming yourself this whole time. So please, just stop it.."

"Enough is enough.." she said slow. He can't stop wondering if she heard him talk with Naruto that day.

"I can't keep doing this, Sasuke-kun. I love you so much. Please, just.. if there's a little space for me in your heart.. even if its just a little.. I beg you, stop blaming yourself" Sakura starts to cry, softly. Those tears had always been his weakness. No matter how much he tries to ignore that one fact, he knows he can't anymore. And right now, he knows more than anyone, that he can't deny this, whatever it is that he has towards her, that has been haunting him for as long as he can remember.

"Damn it, Sakura.. you annoy me to this point" he says facing down. After a brief second, he pulls her into his arm, and presses his lips against hers. Sakura is shocked but it doesn't take long for her to lean in and dippen the kiss. Before she can put her arms around his neck, Sasuke pulled away.

His dark orbs stares at her, his eyes full of longing. There is confusion in hers though, but another thing they both have in common, is wanting more. He gently grabs her hand as a sign to invite her into his apartment and she replies with a warm smile and a pink flush on her cheek.

---

Sasuke stares at her back while she puts her headband on her pink locks. The silence is for a while now but it is not uncomfortable. He sees her looking at the floor for a long while before starting to talk.

"I- I'm sorry.. if I suddenly came over last night" he is about to reply but she continues while turning around to face him.

"I know you.. said no to me so many times.. and.."

"A girl shouldn't be like this, right..?" She chuckles softly but tears starting to form in her green eyes. It takes her only a few seconds to sob and cry like a baby.

"Why can't I just forget you and move on?" Her cries starting to sound like a whisper. Sasuke looks at her wiping her tears off her face but later forming more tears. He was never a sweet-gestured guy, romance is one of the many things he didn't want to get involved with. He never knows how to calm a crying woman, so he just look and starts to reply.

"I wanted you to be happy, Sakura"

"I wasnt sure you'd be happy with me"

"You deserve someone better than me, I hurt you too many times"

"I was ready to let you go"

He says softly while looking at her starting to calm down.

"But a part of me.. wanted to be selfish. And make you mine"

He continues, their eyes still staring at each other. Sakura sees it in his eyes, his eyes speak better than his words. But now that he made it clear, she is more sure. Her orbs become more gentle and she smiles to him ever so brightly.

"Be selfish, Sasuke-kun" She says stroking his cheek softly. Resting her forehead on his, Sakura softly carress his lips with her thumb.

"That way I can be selfish too"

- E N D -

Hnggh I wish I can write better but oh well, goodnight 😂💕

》 My poor soul needs more Sasusaku angst, feel free to reply with more angst sasusaku fanfic 😍