#this isnt meant as a judgement im just thinking about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

katiifaetarot · 5 months

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Hello friends, beings, and starlights! this is my second tarot reading here on tumblr! Im new to the tarot community (at least on this specific platform) and would like to help guide, give honest/TRUTHFUL advice, and be a safe space for anyone + everyone who feels safe here! 🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

My goals/intentions are always to help others through my experience, to teach/guide them to work on themselves, and encourage them to find the strength, courage, discipline, and honest wisdom within themselves, without looking for outside validation! ♡♡♡

** I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

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This second reading is just an easy, breezy, maybe a bit HEAVY for some; what you need to hear // whatever else comes through while I channel! ( again ) ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

There are 4 piles and you will be picking through angel #'s that are right below this text! Feel free to look at the specific photos for each pile if you feel called too!

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✨️🧚🏽‍♀️please choose your pile and may your intuition and inner knowing guide you to the pile with the energy most suited for you and most suited to help you along your path at this current point in time, no matter what that looks like🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

PILE 1- 555

PILE 2- 666

PILE 3- 777

PILE 4- 888

** sometimes ( most of the time ) i will pick up on multiple energies that need attention or want to be expressed during the reading so i ASK YOU TO UNDERSTAND THIS DURING MY READINGS:

** depending on how the reader (YOU) chooses to look at the situation or however the situation resonates for the reader (YOU) and because this is a general reading;

⚠️you HAVE to be able to use your better discernment + better judgement skills to fully absorb the message and be able to do the necessary work to keep you on track for the future you WANT for yourself⚠️

🧿im not a fortune teller,

i am an energy reader.🧿

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OKAY PILE 1:

You're definitely going through some sort of gnarly OR fitting + VERY much needed rebirth; and depending on how the reader is choosing to look at this new beginning, its either a solid effort on accepting this reality and accepting you dont know everything OR you're wallowing and taking the stance of the victim. both are valid. but the 2nd perspective must change at some point......when you're ready.

This rebirth is happening inside and outside of yourself, and its causing disharmony, chaos, painful changes, and no BullSht; EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!! but also.....its creating new ideas, new inspiration, new LIFE!! figuratively OR literally(👀).

Its helping you adapt to lifes twists, turns, and all the windy messes in between. This isnt supposed to be a comforting message.....but its also not meant to scare you either. This message is about acceptance.

Accept and celebrate how far you've come but accept and acknowledge your mistakes and missteps, identifying how to move better or correctly for next time. Accept things as they are now but accept the emotional turmoil that may come along with that. Accept the missed opportunities but PLEASE also accept that there is better for you, out there, somewhere, I PROMISE!!

This specific rebirth is happening in your life, at this specific time because its trying to get you to SHED all the outgrown aspects of your life so you are more able to see the life that you deserve and go after your dreams/plans/goals in a more confident, conscious, considerate, aware, authentic, healthy, and ((all that good stuff)) , WAY!!!

It'll take some time, some tears, hardwork, determination, mental fortitude, faith, and trust....but YOU believe in YOU, and I believe in YOU!! so start living again, in ways that make sense to you. Feel right to you.

think of yourself as emerging from the womb again: make up your life however you want without fear, this will lead you down a path of self discovery and hearty lessons to help you grow and change, but stay steady in who you are no matter what!

powerful stuff pile 1, but to encounter new growth, better situations, and more understanding within yourselves; you need to prepare yourself to let go of rotted wood, garbage, or dead weight in your current foundations or perspectives.

abandon the old schemes and everything that no longer belongs to you and overcome the challenges of transformation and rebirth.

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•realizing // focusing on the repeating cycles,patterns,lessons, etc currently in your life.

•facing your shadows and calling judgement upon yourself + sitting in the uncomfortableness that comes along with life.

•not being afraid or affected by outside noise or other peoples perceptions of you anymore.

•take risks again! try and make yourself smile, widen your world view, stop and appreciate whats around you, something new is coming, expect the best and it will happen!

•pluto,mushrooms,scorpio energy,rebirth,healing,TRANSFORMATION,finding your voice, change your old ways.

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OKAY PILE 2:

HEAVY @ s$ energy. and im sorry for any betrayal felt on your part from this ending im CLEARLY picking up on. I hope you know how possible it is to move on, let go, release whatever or whoever, and just BREATHE AGAIN. I feel sick to my stomach but relieved, hurt but okay, numb but faintly hopeful for my future.....its very faint, but the emotion is there.

You've been through it and im sorry pile 2, i hope you know the more you keep pushing and getting over this percieved setback and/or tough loss that has occurred, the stronger you'll be because of it. You're going to learn such a valuabe lesson from this or you might of already learned that lesson, but either way you deserve better.....and frankly, MORE!

SO DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK // GIVE YOURSELF WHAT YOU WANT AND KNOW YOU DESERVE!! NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BURDEN OR LIKE YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH TO GO AFTER WHAT YOU WANT// NEED FOR YOURSELF!! AND IF THEY DO, THEN CUT THEM OFFFFFFFF!!!

The big message here is to let that which must fall away, ACTUALLY FALL AWAY, and find balance between your desires and the people around you.

dont get so caught up in the what ifs, just do what feels right and speaks to your heart + listen and make decisions that your higher self would be proud of, prove your worth to yourself, NOT some else.

pile2, this is a tough message but straight-forward too. Let go, move on, heal, grow, learn,change + this process looks and feels different to everyone so whatever works 4u, lean into that!!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•review your life by asking YOURSELF questions that might trigger a heartfelt response from you!!

•reclaim your power, meditate, learn about yourself, reparent yourself, help yourself and save yourself, no ones coming to help OR save you.

• "people come to see us for a reason, or sometimes just a season", focus on yourself for awhile.

• dont underrate yourself, build your confidence up, air sign sun, capricorn energy, Jupiter influence in chart, looking into the age of aquarius recently, air sign energy, astrologer or HIGHLY interested in astrology.

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OKAY PILE 3:

pile 3, you might hate hearing this but YOU GUYS ARE STRONG, RESILIENT, DETERMINED, STUBBORN, AND A HUGE ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF AND THATS HONESTLY SO INSPIRING AND ADMIRABLE!!!

which is why I must also say; you have to start taking responsibility for your own life and your own choices!! You're doing just fine standing in your power, but sometimes impulsiveness gets the better of you. And theres nothing wrong with that!!! But be careful, and ask for help when needed! Everything in moderation is always good. and that is very sound, safe, + solid advice.

life can feel like a confusing but interconnected web at times, but eventually you'll meet other people with similar expirences + ideas so even if it feels empty or lonely or confusing now, you're on the right path to find that support and stability you crave + the assistance and advice or guidance needed to help keep you straight! do not fear or worry, you're doing just fine.

ultimately the message is: when you finally realize, accept, and integrate the belief or truth that you are the engineer of your own life, you'll start to see better results and start moving your @ s$ to make better choices for your future + yourself. dont be inactive too long or you might risk losing a few good opportunities, that doesnt mean leap before you're ready, but that DOES mean doing the work NOW so you catch the good, stable, solid opportunities when they come sooner!

only you have the answers to what it is you truly want so start being honest with yourself and LAYING THE PROPER FOUNDATIONS FOR YOUR FUTURE!!!!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•libra energy, venus placements, balancing of situations, the unseen is working behind the scenes, protect your ideas + your desires, be hopeful but stay realistic, logic vs emotion, listen to your heart, ignore your fears

•pray if you trust in something bigger than you!

•your gaining a sense of YOUR reality and its giving you a sense of responsibility so act on this accordingly and take this as an opportunity to learn + grow

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OKAY PILE 4:

daammn your message came out quick and fast : there's highs AND lows in life, dont get caught up in either extreme. This reality of life is a fact, nothing you can change, so you must change your response to this reality of life.

There's sunshine+rainbows and There's darkness+shadows. There's beautiful duality everywhere. There's clear vision and There's confused outlook. What perspective do you see right now? Either is okay and Either is tremendously valid.

Believing in yourself and your dreams is hard when nobody is paying attention to your efforts or maybe commending you for your little and big wins through the process. BUT when the results do come....when the fruit is finally ready to be picked.....it feels that much more rewarding when you can look back and say " I did it. "

Stay committed towards your dreams and move forward with confidence, IN SPITE of the negativity and other things being thrown your way. Stay hopeful and optimistic. Even if its hard! Stay grateful too!! Find the light at the end of tunnel to make things easier for yourself!

You have the ability to see what others tend to miss so use this to sniff out people who are NOT on your side or maybe using you in some way!! Dont let yourself lose integrity over something stupid, walk-away when you must, to avoid any conflicts later!

xtra signs or confirmations + advice:

•4, stability, 444, strong foundations being built, cancer, leo, sun or moon placements, nurturing your mind, body, spirit.

•go steady and at a comfortable pace, ignore outside negativity, take in constructive advice, learn to control your reactions.

•you are a human with needs, wants, desires....dont be afraid to go after them!___________________________________________

I sincerely hope you received what you needed and released what you don't !! See you again soon!! Take it easyyy and just breathe and fllooowwww!!! you got this! byyeee~🧚🏽‍♀️✨️

**please let me know how I'm doing in any way you can! that is the easiest way to support me and also a good way to signal to me that I should keep going + any helpful advice from the community would be welcomed and appreciated 🥺 🥹 🙏🏼

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**ONCE AGAIN, I AM NOT A MEDICAL OR HEALTH PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE USE YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT AND DISCERNMENT TO DETERMINE IF YOU NEED OR WANT TO SEEK PROPER HELP OR TREATMENTS FOR YOURSELF OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR OR SOCIAL MEDIA!!

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wulvert · 1 year

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HI!!!!

i have something 2 confess,,,im so sorry,,,ive nver watched trigun. wht scene are u talking about with kelly in the tags of the avery ref discussion post,,,(GENUINE QUESTION JUST REREAD THIS AFTER TYPING THIS ENTIRE ASK AND REALISED IT KINDA SOUNDED MEAN??? JUDGEMENTAL??? IT WASNT MEANT 2 BE THAT WAY SORRY) ALSO IF IT ISNT BLATANT SPOILER TERRITORY,,,whats the lore behind all their scars. why has avery been stabbed so many few times. is she secretly weak against knives pre-incident. whts scarlet's two scars,,,does trisha have scars besides the werewolf attack incident back in ye olden days,,, also off topic but i tried dr. pepper strawberries and cream today and it made me think of red. my ratign is "far too sweet oh god jesus FUCKING christ good heavens i can feel my heart stopping" and then i finished the entire can. the best way i can describe the taste is if you chose to drink an entire thing of carbonated strawberry syrup for fun

NOO DW I DONT EXPECR PPL 2 READ MY TAGS ANYWAY im talkong abt the scene where u find out vash has a cage over hus left nipple

that one.

tbh not the most interesting backstory, vampires just get u with a knife sometimes! they dont like being killed. tho avery has a scar on her ankle where her dad cut her achilles tendon when she was a kid (its completely fine now though) (it was an accident he expected her to dodge his knive so its normal father daughter bonding its like when ur dad makes u lick a battery when ur 4)

on her ref scarlet has one on her lower upper leg. like above her knee but above above her knee, and one on the side of her stomach- wait and her bite scar which she covers up pretty well

k on averys ref which js the only completed (ish) ref bc im lazy she has one stab-slash in one combo on her stomach, two slashes on her left forearm around where ud block something with it. back of her knee, slash on upper arm, slash agross her shoulder blades, &obvs her little bite scar. and her ankle. & yes, she would never admit it but she was weak against being stabbed. embarassing.

kelly i have drawn his scars like once in my sketchbook but hes been stabbed a lot, i think staked once and ppl vampires bite him sometimes (but thats ok he survived unlike some ppl, who somehow claim 2 b better at their job than he is) good few like intense slashes on the torso, ones similar to averys forearm scars but more intense and on all arms, top surgery, another stab here and there- couple burns when he gets in the way of avery with a flamethrower. its fine. hes fine. it looks cool anyway. ive never drawn his back which is probably more scarred nkw that i think abt it. bc. he probably gets sneaked up on more often.

trisha the ones on screen (i think shes the only one ive bothered giving scars on screen bc theyre lore relevant but more bc im lazy), and general giant dog mauling on her legs and stuff. prior 2 that no! she was young and hadnt been hit with the violence of everyday household objects deciding to betray you yet. ( not me thiugh i have been attacked by pencils scissors and my own appendix )

i wanted 2 try that but afaik it doesnt exist here..................... jealos..... though i dont really want to drink an entire can of carbonated strawberry syrup.

#asks

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e17omm · 7 months

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do you ever wanna write something new and different (tm) or are you content with the stories you have?

Most of the time I get a few short ideas of things that could be fun but I dont write anything so they just kinda fade away.

Most of the time though, I write what has my brainrot going. My brain thinks a lot - and its not always a good thing. I started writing Himeko adopts a stray Herrscher because I could not stop thinking about it. It gave me a headache.

So the reason why I write so much of Snippets is because Ive kinda broken out of the "I cant keep track of a long-ass story because if I write down notes (like what happened to HaasH) then my brain just hits the brakes and stops there." shell.

Because I can write Snippets of Sirin Schariac's life in whatever order I write it in. So absolutely; Snippets AU is kinda an amalgination of ideas that Ive had of the HI3 story that I mash together and make work.

Sirin is alive. Bella is alive. They have a better life with Cecilia and Kiana is their little sister. Mobius is alive (though that one is more "I read the Soul Eater manga recently and I cant believe the anime ends 40% through the story. Also Medusa is fucking great and I basically copy how she is written while undercover as the school nurse and write Mobius like that"). Mei accepts being a Herrscher early on. Kurikara isnt Bella's reincarnated corpse but Mei's version of Benares. Kevin actually does shit. Kiana got to use the Judgement of Shamash. Himeko becomes a Herrscher. The Herrscher of Dominance isnt stupid and will abuse the hell out of the massive advantage that they threw away in canon. The ending wont take a wierd turn into a stigmata dream thing that wasn't foreshadowed at all.

What if Sirin survived? What if Mei accepted being a Herrscher early on? What if the Will of the Herrscher (chapters 7-9) never happened? What if Project Stigma was what it was foreshadowed to be? What if the Will of Honkai was the Will of Honkai and not Prometheus wierdly hacking into it?

You can (or will) see those independent ideas that I had in Snippets of Sirin Schariac's life. That's why Im writing so much of it, its like 8 different fanfiction/canon divergences that I've thought about turned into one long fanfic AU.

That's not as to say I dont have other ideas. That Fallen Moon AU is like a side-gig I'll definitely return too when I want/need a little break from Snippets.

I have minor fic ideas like "what if every battlesuit was a person in a FGO-style of way?" and other stuff like "what if Reaper in the Black Reaper RWBY fanfic was sent back in time and met her earlier self?" I like fics like that.

For Black Reaper, since its a fanfic of a show I barely mention; it is a fanfic of one of the main characters (Ruby) falling from grace, takes on her dead sisters Semblance (special power), but since its anger-based, and Ruby wasnt meant to have it, she completely loses control of her emotions. Shes much angrier and violent because Yang's semblance turned anger/pain into strength. And Ruby just spirals down until she accidentally (yes, accidentally) murders someone in cold blood. She runs away, teams up with everyones favorite criminal duo, Roman and Neo, and does crime.

What Black Reaper does that sets it apart from other "fallen from grace" fanfics I've read is that - it stick to what it did.

But it also almost didnt.

So, the original ship is Ruby x Velvet. Perfectly fine, cute ship.

The much more interesting ship is Ruby/Reaper x Neo.

Because Reaper does turn back to the good side. So you'd expect the boring "angsty return coz Ruby did horrible stuff and is trying to be good again with Velvet." turn.

But NO! The author, vengfulfate, posted in their notes that the original plan was to have that boring return to 'Ruby'. What they decided seeing the comments though. Was to have 'Reaper' return to the good side. Not Ruby. (Fall from grace fics turning around and making the whole thing mostly pointless, and BR not doing that, is likely one of the main reason why I love consequences from events in stories. Bronya's legs being fucked and needing to be robotic. Mei's horns staying there. Sirin's arm being chopped off. I have nothing against them, but those are consequences from events and just, undoing them is so boring!)

So Ruby falls from grace, turns to crime, renames herself Reaper, returns to the good side as Reaper. She fully embraces her new life with Neo. The most important thing is that Reaper learns to tame Yang's semblance, so ultimately, Reaper does get something out of having turned to crime. And it just makes it all feel like it had a point to it.

I would've hated Black Reaper if Reaper turned back to Ruby. Because it just undoes so much and makes it pointless.

And the reason I went on this Black Reaper rant, is because Ive always had a small want to write a fic where Reaper is sent back to a time pre-Yang death. Because Reaper is VERY different from Ruby.

It'll also be so unheard of. Most "sent back in time" has a character develop, get experience, then sent back to their younger, more inexperience self.

But this would be a character getting traumatised, losing control of themselves due to things out of their control, turn to a life in crime, radically change their moral compass (Reaper casually steals snacks she thinks is too expensive and will break into a clothing shop in the middle of the night just to get a new fit. While still being a quote unquote Good Guy™. I love her. Reaper Rose is a great character), and have THAT person, transported back in time to a point where their moral compass would NEVER allow them to even think about doing those things? (Would also be great angst because Reaper get to see her sister again. And Neo wouldnt know her. So it would just be oh, so angsty with Reaper trying not to turn into a murderer again because oh, murdering Adam and Cinder would be all that she had left in her life with Neo gone from it. The only reason Reaper eventually stays as a Good Guy™ is because after turning Neo into a Good Guy™, Neo really liked that life and didnt want to go back to crime. But Reaper would also have to protect her younger self from becoming Reaper. So she would still have to be a Good Guy™ but only for the reason of murdering two specific people she absolutely hates. This is to say nothing of Ruby reacting to "oh god this is me in the future!")

Oh, I feel like I could just talk of some of my own ideas, Black Reaper, or Fragments of Chaldea for hours (not literally, but feel free to ask).

Anyways, yeah, I do have some more fanfic ideas. Some Honkai related and some not.

#asks #snippets of sirin schariacs life #fanfiction #this went longer than i planned

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vaugarde · 2 years

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i forgot i deleted tumblr off my phone for storage space (ive tried everything to make it go down and somehow that was it) soooo ill post photos abt the episodes im watching now later once theyve gotten on my mac but oh my god excadrill really does have the best disobedience arc in the show. you cant convince me otherwise.

like first of all it has what most of the other arcs lack- an actual substantial reason excadrill doesn’t listen to iris (because iris didn’t respect his fear and judgement against drayden, which led to it’s brutal defeat, and now it’s hurt that iris not only pushed the fight on when he knew it wasn’t good and tried to tell her, but that she only seems to think hes grumpy they lost and therefore still ignoring his feelings. so now it doesn’t trust iris’s judgement nor does it think iris actually cares about its feelings more than she does winning).

and it doesn’t overstay its welcome or feel tedious. like really my main issue w the charizard arc is that it lasted soooooo long and happened sooooo many times that i was just frustrated at why ash was even bothering to use it as a last resort several times when it obviously didnt work. here, iris only tried excadrill willingly once or twice, and that’s when her back was pushed against the wall and she’d tried other options, and yet it was enough to remind the audience that there’s a conflict between them. And it’s resolved in about 20-something episodes, so long enough that it isnt underwhelming but short enough so that it doesn’t overstay it’s welcome.

and you actually want excadrill and iris to reconcile because iris truly meant no harm and is still learning to be more empathetic and takes a step forwards in that character arc here, and you can see they made a fantastic pair before things went wrong and you want that back for them! and their reconciliation makes sense not because excadrill lost but because iris finally just Communicated with excadrill and sincerely apologized for where she went wrong and promised to be better, and excadrill remembers that she really HAS been trying and keeping his interests at heart and does care about him and those memories and the apology makes him realize she never stopped caring and THATS when he breaks out of his shell to see iris laying besides him to give him comfort??? and thats what then inspires him to train and THEN when iris wakes up he’s not just immediately okay with her showing affection and being all friendly, he was to use this training to see if she’s really changing her perspective and oh my god this arc SLAPS its so underrated

#(ok dragonites MIGHT be better from what i remember? but im still bitter it wasnt a hydreigon so it loses points for that tbh)#but iris and the dragon buster or whatever the dub name was is SUCH a good episode its such a good iris spotlight #and it solidified excadrill as a go to mon for my white team back when it first aired #echoed voice #pokeani lb #and iris is the perfect character for this bc her whole arc is about understanding empathy and reaching the feelings of pokemon AUGH

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fluffyheretic · 2 years

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ive been thinking abt this for a while but does anyone else feel like its kinda weird that so many kids cartoons nowadays have these big overarching plots and character development and drama. like wheres the regular silly fun comedy slapstick stuff. its not a bad thing in and of itself that there are kids cartoons w big overarching plots and stuff but why does it feel like theyre ALL like that now? shouldnt there be variety. doesnt anyone just wanna make the new pink panther

its kind of awkward actually. it feels like everyone working in kids cartoons nowadays is someone desperate to Tell Their Cool Epic Story!! isnt there anyone out there who just wants to Make Kids Laugh? a cartoon w a big epic story isnt BAD, just.. wheres everything else?

not to mention that the Big Epic cartoons often get a lot of attention from adult audiences, and that can create a lot of awkwardness. theres nothing inherently wrong w an adult being into media meant for a younger audience!! but sometimes it feels like they forget that the show is SUPPOSED to primarily be for children, NOT them... except a lot of times, it feels like the showrunners forget that too, which is an even bigger problem..

kids can handle more mature topics than you think and its good to treat them that way, its good to expose them (carefully!! tactfully!!) to difficult concepts like abuse. but not every show needs to talk about abuse. you can just have looney tunes too. kids can and should ALSO have "junk food" shows.

im not thinking of any show in particular or making specific judgements when i say this. there just seems to be such a huge trend towards this right now, that it feels like at least SOME showrunners wouldve been better off just writing a book or comic instead

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syrupspinner · 11 days

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i just defeated Citizen Sleeper

i keep accidentally calling it resident sleeper and i dont know how to stop

right away, i wanna compare this to Disco Elysium. im sorry, but im the kinda bitch that sees the world through similes. i know its a bit of a losing battle considering DE's renown, but i want to appreciate the ways the games compare in their goals and how to accomplish them considering the genre similarity

first, while both narratives are technically in second person, theyre seperated by their omniscience. CS takes a more traditional omniscient narration, and works with it to help the narrative of separation from ones self. as a sleeper, youre an emulation of a human, and while youre consciousness is an exact copy, you have no knowledge of the person used as your base. the biggest problem with writing in 2nd person is basically the reader going "no, i wouldnt". but as a sleeper, your character doesnt have the identity to justify saying that. it builds, successfully in my opinion, on the seperation between reader and character because the character is already suffering a seperation of self

in DE, 2nd person narration is subverted because of your extreme, ambiguously supranatural [sic] amnesia. your character is not a blank slate the player controls; you have a past you cannot escape from. DE's protagonist also avoids the "no i wouldnt" problem by giving the player control over his present, but not his selfhood. this is furthered by the furies, the fragments of your personality. this classifies the narration as diegetic, because there are very, very few instances of straightforward omniscient narration (unless you count shivers as omniscient?), because everything your character perceives is quantified through these skills. you can level up the narration as a gameplay mechanic.

which of these do i prefer? well, thats a tricky question, because theyre both trying to do very different things. well not that different but yknow. DE is interactive and characterizing for the protagonist, but CS is more directed and characterizing for the world. thats not to say that DE isnt intentional - im just explaining what each approach's priorities are. im also trying to compensate because DE is stupidly encompassing, you can tell it was written by leftists because that wordcount is NOT conservative. CS is way more economic in scope, which isnt an inherently bad thing, it just means i gotta be a bit proportional in my judgement. anyway, considering all this, i think i gotta say my preference is with CS. i emphasize preference, im not saying that CS is objectively better than DE.

a good example of what i mean is the digital space! theres a mechanic where you can like, leave your body and travel the internet, using your dice rolls to hack different connections. i adore how the narration describes this. it feels so abstract and bizarre, its explained through human sensations that were not meant to experience this world (which is exactly how the sleeper feels) in a very lovecraftian way. the omniscient 2nd person is perfect for this, because it describes the internet as something that happens to you. DE would have the furies explain to you what is going on with their own skewed views as they slowly piece together what the hell is happening, which is a great way to characterize DE and its protagonist and works wonderfully with what DE usually tries to do. but i think it wouldnt lend itself as well to describing the internet as a truly alien sensation, and stuff like neovend's quest wouldnt hit as hard. again, theres nothing better or worse about either approach, theyre just better suited for different tasks. like, mages are better at dps and warriors are better at tanking

oh yeah, the dice! you role all the dice you need (up to 5 depending on your... i think it was called vitality? your life bar) and you allocate them to specific tasks throughout the day. i am in love with this mechanic. it is so strategic and offers such a great balance between luck and strategy auuuuuugh. you usually have 2-4 drives (read: quests) to focus on at any given time, so you have to manage the resources of where you wanna put your 6s and your 1s. do you wanna risk a negative outcome, or go to bed and let a perfectly good roll go to waste? youve got a few time limits to keep track of, waste isnt the best idea. if youre spending that 1, where? which drive can you not afford to fuck up, and which are you desperate enough to risk failure on? maybe you can take it to cyberspace, low numbers are usually needed for hacking. well, what data do you need the most, and how much hacking can you afford to do before you get too much attention from the ship/outpost/however-you-classify-this-location's antivirus? dont forget that you cant just focus on drives, you need to earn money to buy food and robo-insulin.

why dont more games do this?????? i get that theres strategy and planning around traditional roll-the-dice-in-the-moment systems, like which stats you need bonuses for and what gambles youre willing to take, but i way prefer resource management to risk taking. amazing mechanic

it also probably helps that im a bit of a slut for cyberpunk. theres a post-game dlc quest that shows a great way of showing individuals struggling against systems. youre in talks with leaders of a refuge camp trying to salvage supplies from a crashed ship, but if they do so then itll be bad optics and prevent them steadier help later down the line through systemic means. but they cant wait through the fillibuster, people are starving. its absolutely the right choice to try and help the refugees by harvesting supplies off the grid and working to undermine the cyber-govcorp's control, but the corp you talk to as part of the quest is just an individual with good intentions and a different opinion on how to best help the refugees. theres an antagonistic force in the quest, but its nebulous and faceless, because its just a story about people trying to carve survival out of a society that isnt built for it. and thats just one quest! my favorites were your back-alley doctor struggling to separate their connection from their past, the stranded mercenary tracking down whoever stole their ship's motherboard thingy, and of course neovend

please please please play this game if you havent already, it is a wonderful work of art

#defeated #citizen sleeper

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aloneatl4st · 2 months

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Im not using tags cuz I hope this doesn't get found

Ive started college in 2023 and now im getting closer to my 1st year. Ive met many people and stopped talking to quite a few.

Ive recently made friends with a guy whose name shall be Hunter for this post and anonimity. Hunter is a straight guy who ive gotten to know quite a bit in the last 4 to 5 weeks.

Im ashamed to say it, because i should know better, but ive had a crush on him for i would say 3 months. Against my better judgement i decided to let myself get infatuated with a man that has no ability to like me back which isnt something surprising to me but still a mistake i couldve avoided somehow... I just dont know how.

Hunter is a very nice and caring guy i would say in general, he funny and he, unlike most straight men ive talked to in my life, isnt disgusted by my existence as a queer man. He touchy feely and for shits and giggles even asked me if i want a piggy back ride (im a 6 foot non-skinny man, he realistically had no reason to do that). I dont really laugh like I laugh with him and thats what makes me feel so painfully pathetic.

Recently it seemed he got a bit closer to another one of my friends whoch made me feel super defeated as she is a girl, but i managed to confirm from her that neither one of them like eachother.

Another huge problem is that he broke up with him abusive girlfriend about 2 or 3 weeks ago, which makes me feel disgusting and "opportunistic". I wish I wasnt like this but i havent received this level of attention from a man in a while, especially positive attention.

Realistically I know Hunter will never like me or be into me (hes got VERY clear straight boy behaviour, its hard to explain) but hes also pretty gentle with me and sometimes his touches linger and I feel like a fool for letting some second-grade infatuation ruin me like this.

Ive been unable to function for 2-3 days right now, just listening to lovesick music and fantasizing for something that was clearly not meant for me ever. Sometimes I still regret not being born a woman, so I could just love the guys Ive been into in the past without feeling added-on guilt of incompatibility due to sexuality.

I just wish he knew how special he is, and how sweet and nice, and hes also such a sight for sore eyes... Gods I am not your strongest soldier, stop giving me your toughest men to have crushes on my hearts love capacity is too large to use on men who cant love me back.

In a world in my mind where things go my way, he figures out he is bisexual and somehow I have a chance with him, I just hope itd happen fast cuz he has rendered me immoble and unable to complete simple tasks cuz all I do is think of him.

Hunter... youre very beautiful and sweet, and I know thia information is useless because neither one of us can do anything with it, but I hope whoever is your next girl will treat you right cuz if you treat women better than you treat me than I cant imagine ever being toxic to you like your exes were 💔

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commanderquinn · 11 months

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Good Space Chapter 1: Flower

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

She’s the one good thing about trips to medical in the Avenger’s Tower.

Every other day, at her direct insistence, her lab is the only place in the entire wing that he’s willing to go to. It smells warm and safe, nothing like the antiseptic that makes him want to break a limb. For the first two weeks, he tries to tell her that she doesn’t have to do this. He’s been looking after the link from his arm to his brain for years. There’s never been a problem with it that he couldn’t handle, and he’ll come back if anything ever feels off. No matter how much Steve hovers, she doesn’t need to waste her time on this.

By the start of the third week, he can’t bring himself to suggest that anymore.

—

psa: there’s some gross ass (sometimes detailed) nazi medical shit all through this fic, so if lobotomy talk of any kind is a no for you, skim over any brain talk. your best bet is just to skip the lab scenes where you can ❤️

fic title is a song by skrillex! we needed bouncy shit that vague hinted at plot. the chapter title is a moby song to lay out the v i b e s 👾 im always going to list these, so y’all have a song to listen to while reading

all i can think that needs to be said for canon clarity (ill make it all clear over time dw) is post-WS buckaroo got picked up by steve and sam to be taken for a shower and therapy. no civil war, no age of ultron. we're taking parts of it and doing other shit, you'll see. fury’s publicly alive and director again, shield got flushed out because mmmmm i said so i guess. no red room here. its not about nat, the lack of consent history hanging between them isnt something i want with this. i want to focus on other parts of their trauma bond. alsomaybeishipnatwithsomeoneinthis.

im sorry, but i never started wanda content on my end, and AI jarvis is comfy nostalgia i want to play in, so likely not a lot for her here. yes, we will be having shuri bully bucky, ofc, she’s the pin that holds this whole plot together (what else is new)

oh and i treat bucky’s arm as more of an atompunk feel rather than “the nazi’s had bleeding edge limb tech in ww2 that only affects bucky’s arm, definitely not anything else”

other than that, we’re firmly in good ‘ol stark tech magic and too many open wiki pages for all my plot device needs

also my grammar aint the good. i write these mf's in my spare time while baked af, you're gonna have to give a bitch a break babes 👾

—

Febuary 17th, 2018

"That's not what I'm asking about."

Tony throws up his hands from the other side of the conference table, then lets them smack back down against the polished surface dramatically. "Illuminate me then, Rogers. I'm running out of ways to explain that she's the best I've got to offer for this."

Steve pushes a hand through his hair with a frustrated huff. "I'm not a brain surgeon."

"No shit, that's what she's here for."

"I meant that I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at."

"Now I know you're worried if you're willing to," Tony clutches at the front of his shirt in mock horror, "swear in public." Pepper smacks his shoulder without even looking up from her tablet. The sight would make Steve smile under normal circumstances.

"You can hand me any resume you want, Tony. I'm telling you that I won't be able to see a difference. I know you're giving me a team who can do the work; I'm asking if they can do it while it's Bucky."

"Are you worried about his safety or theirs?" Pepper asks, finally looking over. Her tone isn't judgemental. If anything, it's veering towards the gentleness it has when she's talking Tony down.

"I'm not worried about theirs. I will be there every time. Even if he has a bad day, I'll make sure that—look. Nothing's going to happen. It's just...." Steve flips open the folder he's been carrying for a week. The edges of it are starting to wear down at this point. Sighing, he slides his summary notes to their side of the table. "He still doesn't... he doesn't talk about the previous escapes. No matter what his therapist tries. He just can't bring himself to do it. But it's not hard to get a clear picture of what used to happen. He does this every time. He builds himself a strong house, then a fallback point, and then he goes to work trying to fix all the damage alone, which he'll never be able to do. No one could. And there's not going to be a goon squad rolling in to drag him back anymore, so he's just going to—"

"Yeah, yeah, push him to help him; I grasped the concept the first hundred times," Tony cuts in. If he weren't so damn anxious, Steve might honestly feel bad about being so far up everyone's ass over this. "You've got me on board. So, what's the concern here? Will she quit the first time he bites her head off? That's a pretty chauvinist perspective, especially coming from you."

"She's had to put up with Tony long enough to befriend him; that should be proof enough." Pepper smiles as the nightmare himself points toward her in silent agreement.

Steve raises his hands amicably. "I'm not trying to insult anyone's professionalism. I'm sure she's had more than her fair share of problem patients to get where she is today. I'm... I'm more asking if—Christ. I'm sorry in advance, alright? But... Tony, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that you'd have trusted her to get you home."

A stiff, all-consuming silence falls over the spare meeting room. Pepper and Steve waiting on bated breath; Tony frozen as he looks back at him with an expressionless face.

Steve despises himself for doing this to him. The knowledge of what happened in that cave is something the man is unimaginably protective over. It took years—and a night of blackout drinking on Tony's end—for the story to even slip out of him. Talking about Yinsen is the only time Steve's seen him cry that he can remember. It was just one overflow, barely even two tears that got scrubbed off his cheeks within the first minute, but it was there. It's the only way Steve knows to get his point across.

Tony looks down at the table and adjusts his posture. His head shifts and his lips purse in that signature move of his, the one that comes up when he's forced to be a person. With feelings. Pepper's arm moves, no doubt taking his hand under the table.

He looks back up, meeting Steve's eyes as his posture relaxes. "I wish they could have met. I think Yin would have gotten a kick out of her fashion taste. I think she'd have gotten an even bigger one out of putting him in it."

It's the most ringing endorsement he's ever heard the man give. More importantly, Steve knows just how much weight sits behind the guarded words.

—

"I've got their personnel files if you want them. They all volunteered them to you willingly."

"I'm alright."

"Do you want their names ahead of time?"

"No."

"Not even their first ones?"

"They can tell them to me."

"Okay."

"...."

"...What are they?"

"The ones that'll be behind the glass are Hannah and Wyatt." Of course Steve knows to start there, where his nerves will fixate the most. Asshole. "You probably won't even talk to the two of them today, but your main doctor for this will definitely offer to let you. Her name is Ava. She's going to check in with you for confirmation on a lot of things before she does them. I shadowed her for over a week, asshole. It's not about you; she does it for everyone."

Bucky grunts. "I wouldn't have jumped on her for it."

"No, you'd have sat there brooding like a petulant jackass instead, probably making her feel bad." Steve pauses for a long moment, fiddling with the paper coffee cup in his hands. "You should read Hannah's file, Buck."

"Why?" He shouldn't ask. He can hear the motive sitting in his best friend's voice. It's a fucking trap, and he fucking knows it, but he also can't stop himself.

"Her last name is Schuster."

He absolutely despises the way the situation makes his gut clench. They're dead. They're all dead, and the ones in their place have been declawed for much longer than he's been off ice. He's probably not even going to talk to the woman, at least not today. He might catch the sight of a name on a coat, however. Or on a chart.

He wanted to do this without letting old habits in. He wanted to at least start this feeling like a person, not a weapon. But he gets why the dickhead is trying to baby-step him into it.

Bucky holds out his hand. Steve silently passes him the tablet he keeps. Neither of them says a word as he reads the SHEILD file to himself, line by line. Taking in a stranger's entire professional life. Her family, her known associates, every residence she's ever held. It takes a moment of hovering his finger over the subfolder with her medical records to talk himself down from opening it. Nothing is lingering in those shadows; Steve wouldn't allow it. That's not a line he needs to cross anymore.

He hands it back when he's done. "The other two?"

"Nothing I could think of. Ava's seen your hard limit list—you remember I told you I was gonna give it to one of your—?"

"I remember. It's okay. That's why you have it."

"Yeah." Steve takes another long pause. "You remember that she knows—"

"I know."

"Good. The others don't. She says they don't need to for any of it, and it's never going on record again." He looks over out of the corner of his eye. "She's going to bring it up today."

"I had a hunch."

"I just wanted to make sure it didn't surprise you."

"I know."

"Good." Steve picks up his coffee to drain the last of it in one swig. He tosses the empty cup into a trashcan by the wall a few tables over before looking back at him. He extends his now-empty hand. "Ready?"

"Not in the fucking least." Bucky raises his hand to lock with his best friends momentarily. "Let's go."

There's no wing in this tower—and he's been through all of them by now—that he dislikes more than medical. The place makes his skin feel like a thousand goddamn spiders are crawling all over him, and the smell of it, fuck. It sits in his head like a fog while it burns up the inside of his nose, making him want to break anything touching any part of him. He'd make Steve be here with him no matter what; that's a given. But the fact that there's going to be a doctor poking at him today while he's trying to power through it all makes the guy's presence non-negotiable. Bucky needs the safety net for the good of everyone in that room.

Steve doesn't try for talking to distract him, mercifully enough. There are times when it helps. Today isn't going to be one of them. He doesn't even have to bring it up for Steve to know, and the reminder that he's understood helps his nerves. It's been an incredibly long time since he had an incident. He's proud of every last one of those days. He won't be upset with himself—well. He'll try not to be upset with himself if that streak ends. But he really, really wants that day not to be today.

Bucky treats it like a mission. He's braced and ready for the antiseptic when they first get through the entrance. He doesn't flinch or huff through his nose at the invasion, not even as they make their way to the specialized divisions. He's walked these hallways before; he's walked every single one in the tower. It was the only way he could get himself to sleep during his first week here. Aside from a few trips to the emergency intake, he hasn't had to force himself back.

He's definitely never bothered with meeting the specialists themselves. It took long enough to convince himself not to memorize the names of every staff member in the tower. He doesn't need to do that anymore. That's what his therapist and the Star Spangled Spandex keep insisting, anyways.

The door Steve goes for sticks out against the sleek hallway long before they reach it. It's painted, and not just a solid color; it's covered with a garden scene done by several different hands, going by the skill variation. Bucky runs his thumb over one of the hundreds of flowers as they walk past it to feel how thick the tiny acrylic mountains are. One of the petals cracks under the light pressure of the move, making him frown. The mural's not sealed at all, despite being long dried. Not the kind of thing maintenance usually overlooks.

An absolute shock of color hits Bucky's eyes when he gets his first look at the neurosurgeon's office. The walls he can spot from this side of the entryway are lined with tie-dye hanging cloths, and the floor is covered in fluffed-up, vibrant rugs. There's not a hint of SHIELD regulation left in the architecture, with all the walls that aren't glass holding even more heavy paint globs. Some of the murals are more flowers, but a majority of them are space themed.

The stench of antiseptic fades the farther into the room Bucky goes. By the time the door shuts behind him, it's entirely replaced with the warm aroma of apples and cinnamon. A long, curved desk is off to one corner, pushed against the glass wall overlooking the city and covered in picture frames. An arrangement of chairs piled with pillows matching the rest of the decor sits in the center. Each one of them is fucking massive.

The room itself is separated in half by a thick glass wall. He can spot two doctors sitting behind an array of equipment on the other, equally decorated side behind the glass. There isn't any creative paint in there from what he can spot. If it weren't for that, he could almost forget that he's standing in a medical lab.

Almost.

"Hi there," comes a voice to his right.

The woman it belongs to almost blends in with the office once Bucky turns his head to look at her. The lab coat that comes down to her knees is a solid blue rather than tye-dye, but it's covered in stitched designs. Most of them are shaped like bees. Bucky barely stops his eyebrows from raising at the sight of the outfit underneath. Loose cloth pants hanging low on her hips, with even more bees on them, and a hand-knit top that would have been called obscene during most of the decades he woke up in. The bun she's pulled her hair into must have been done this morning; more than a few bundles are hanging down haphazardly. Bucky hasn't met a lot of brain surgeons that he knows of, but he doesn't remember any of them having glasses as thick as hers. He's pretty sure that good vision is something most of them need for the job. Not that he's nervous.

She walks over with a warm smile, already extending a hand to him. She's a short, round little thing. Barely five feet, if his guess is accurate. It always is. "I'm Dr. Ryder. You can call me Ava. I'm told you're my newest patient."

He accepts the shake with a nod and tries not to think about how sweaty his hand might feel to her. Wiping it against his pants would have been too weird. "James."

"But you prefer Bucky, right?"

"Yes, ma'am. Ava," he corrects himself quickly.

"Oooh, someone's stepped on some toes in the new century." Her smile takes on a teasing edge. "I'm originally from Canada; you won't find me taking offense. Ingrained cultural manners are a bitch to hold back."

"Careful, they're the only manners he's got," Steve warns, already heading for one of the chairs.

"Ignore him. I'm house-trained," Bucky assures her. Taking his hand back, he hikes a thumb over his shoulder, needing something to stall with. "You sure you don't want someone to give your door a few clear coats? It'd be a shame to see all that work chip off."

Ava waves dismissively. "We redo it a lot; it's a relaxation project around here. It'll look different pretty soon." She points toward the glass wall separating the two halves of the office. "I've got the rest of the team working on a project to give us some space, but I can bring them in for a minute if you'd like to meet them?"

"I'm... I'm alright for now, thanks. I can meet them—whenever."

She doesn't insist further or comment on the blatant nerves in his voice. Her hand waves at the arranged chairs as she moves to sit in one. "Take your pick of the lineup, then. Typically I'd offer to take you to the corner of the roof that we've claimed for ourselves as an alternative. But, I need to keep you in environmental controls for sanitation, at least for the initial visit."

Bucky nods a few times as he sits in the one next to Steve's. His ass sinks nearly a foot into nothing but pillows, and his spine goes rigid. "Here's fine."

He'd have said no anyways, not that he'll mention that. Too many open sight lines with his anxiety on edge. He'll be revisiting the roof before his next appointment to familiarize himself, though, that's for sure. His last trip up there was long before she was even hired. The mental image of bead strings and tye-dye throw blankets on patio furniture flits through his head. If she decorates the same way everywhere, he's guessing it won't be all that hard to find the space.

Ava pulls up a tablet from the coffee table to rest in the middle of her folded legs. He's guessing she's into yoga in her spare time. One of her eyebrows arches at them in amusement. "You know, I've never actually seen someone fill one of these before now."

"The benefits of dosed living," Steve quips, his tone a little too positive. It makes Bucky's foot start to bounce silently against the floor on instinct.

If she notices, the doctor doesn't mention it as she focuses on Bucky. "Steve tells me you prefer when doctors keep things direct with you."

Bucky shifts his eyes over to the man in question, who busies himself with one of the pillows, picking at the hanging fringe. Fucker's going to be hearing about this later, that's for damn sure.

He looks back at Ava. Time to get it over with, he encourages himself. "Yeah, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. I know Steve's already told you, but I want you to hear it from my mouth. I have The Soldier's activation memorized."

He can't stop the gut instinct to swallow over hearing the words, but he nods. "I'm okay with it."

"It's not in any of my notes; it never will be. My team understands that there is a specific trigger in place; they need to in order to do their job. But they have no indication of what it is. I'll never write the words out or speak them where they can be picked up. Steve helped me with the pronunciation and the order when he first gave me your records, but you have my word that I won't be repeating them."

"You should," Bucky insists immediately. "If anything happens, you should, and you shouldn't hesitate about it."

"She knows, Buck," Steve assures him with a murmur. "I took her through the worst case drill. She's got a panic button on her."

"Steve tells me that my reaction time is fast enough for working on your case safely." Ava's head tilts to the side slightly. "Your comfort is the priority here. We can always run through a silent drill together if you'd like the reassurance."

He thinks about it. Honest to god, he lets himself sit in the idea of putting Steve's training to the test for more than a few moments. Neither of them push him for an answer. "I might take you up on that at some point."

She nods, the hair hanging closest to her face bouncing slightly. "Whenever you want. That offer is permanent. I'm taking this case on because I want to help undo what's been done; I'm not here to let it be continued, not even in research." Her eyes shift to Steve, with a bitter defiance building in them. "I trust that'll be clarified to the director if our work here ever reaches his ears, captain."

Steve nods, finally looking up from where he's moved on to picking at the pillow's stitches. "There's no more mud in that water. Fury understands how far over the line we went."

Ava doesn't look convinced in the least. Bucky doesn't blame her, not with the scattered memories of his role in all of it sitting in his head. When she looks back at him, the distrust leaves her eyes. "I'd like to get a better idea of what we'll be working with. I know that's probably going to be one of the most difficult parts of this, so we can try to get through it now if you'd like. Or we can wait until you're feeling more comfortable. It's entirely up to you."

Shifting slightly to straighten out his shoulders, Bucky nods. "I'm ready now."

It's an outright lie, but that doesn't really matter anymore. There's never going to be a time when he is ready. He still needs to do this.

"I'm going to need to adjust your head a few times today," she tells him with a relaxed, melodic tone as she stands up. She lifts a black briefcase from the coffee table and brings it over to rest on the arm of his chair, where he can easily see it being handled. "Is there anywhere you'd prefer me putting my hands? Or anywhere specific you want me to avoid?"

Bucky sees Steve shift his head slightly in his peripheral and wants to roll his eyes. Asshole. He'd have made a joke at the most; he wouldn't have been insulted. Probably. "I can't think of anywhere to steer you away from. You're good to do whatever you need to do."

She doesn't take him into the other section of the room like he thought she would. She doesn't even make him stand back up. All it takes to get the nightmare he's been dreading for years started is Ava pulling a wired, plastic wreath from the briefcase to put over the top of his head. She doesn't push a cold faceplate over his eye and against his temples; no bite guard gets shoved in his mouth. There's no frigid metal probing into the top of his neck to make his teeth buzz until he wants to rip them out of his jaw. The air around him isn't humid and suffocating like it was in that bunker. He can't hear the hum of electric coils or the squeak of leather boots on linoleum.

He's not in Siberia. He's in New York. This isn't a HYDRA agent strapping him down. This is a hippie, who definitely smoked pot this morning, putting a sensor on his head that barely has any weight.

"Here, hold this for me," she tells him from behind his chair, offering her tablet over his shoulder. He takes it silently, bringing it to rest in both hands. A digital scan of his brain is already being mapped out on the screen. It's the first time he's seen the anchor that wraps around his brainstem since the X-rays HYDRA used to leave up like trophies. "We can get a look at this thing together."

Bucky takes a deep breath in. It's… not a pretty sight. Whatever they put in him isn't registering in the bright blue lights of the rest of his brain. They're all dark spots, primarily lines branching out from the anchor that might as well be a black hole.

"You see that?" Ava leans forward to run her nail up the path of one of the lines. It starts at the anchor, and it's attached to another point further up, but that junction is the source of even more lines that go all over. There's a fucking mechanical spider web in his brain. "That's your motor cortex, and those links are tethered to your arm, starting there. That—the one right there—is what's making your cybernetics work."

"What's the rest of it?" There's a fucking lot of it, whatever it is. A lot more than he remembers being put in.

"Considering the intent of the Nazis that had you, the end goal was probably total control." Her finger moves, tapping several things that look way too fucking important as she keeps talking. "All of those there are connected to your essential functions: breathing, heart rate, consciousness. From there, they branched out into trying for control over your limbs. Jesus." She leans further over his shoulder and pinches at the screen to zoom in. "It looks like they were already building into your entire cognitive process."

"What does that mean?" Steve asks, worry rising in his tone.

"It means they were reckless on top of being cruel. And fucking stupid—pardon my French."

"You're talking to soldiers, doc," Bucky reminds her quietly, his brows drawn in as his eyes trace the black spots in his grey matter.

"Right. In that case, fuck every last one of them and the horses they rode... into whichever circle of hell they're burning in, I guess." Bucky's lips twitch slightly as she zooms back out. "They were venturing into parts of the brain that haven't been studied enough for human testing, even by today's standards. Blindly poking just to see what worked; my guess is because they knew that you could survive it. You see that big scary thing under your hippocampus?"

Bucky nods as she taps at the anchor. "Yeah. Yeah, that was… that was the first part. That got put in, I mean." He clears his throat when it starts to scratch. "I'm. I'm pretty sure it was the first part."

"Do you want to know why you don't feel sure?" she asks gently. Her voice has dropped to something much softer. It makes him sit back in the overly comfortable chair incrementally.

"Yeah," he tells her quietly, honestly. He wouldn't have a year ago.

Ava circles her finger around the center of his brain, where one of the more prominent lines from the anchor holds several thinner, black branches. "That's your limbic system. It controls emotion, memory, behavioral habits, that kind of thing. They fried it at some point trying to get to your memories, I assume. My team has the photograph from your HYDRA file, the one with the X-ray from your initial brain surgery. I've studied it with my own eyes. That serum in your bloodstream is the only thing that brought you back from being a vegetable. The salvaged notes from the initial facility they kept you in mention months of unresponsiveness and varying levels of brain activity.

"There's a reason you can't remember who you were then, Bucky. They wiped you clean because they knew you, out of all their test subjects, could recover from it. There wasn't enough left of your mind to hold memories, much less any kind of higher will." He hears her clothes shuffle behind him and sees Steve turn his head to look back at her from the corner of his eye. "I'm more than willing to testify to that in any court on Earth, captain. So we're clear."

"Understood," Steve replies, his voice thick. "I appreciate that."

Fuck, so does Bucky. Too bad he can't get his throat to open back up at the moment.

"Now, let's talk about the hard part." He hears Ava sigh. "From what I can see, there's no way we can remove any of this. Not by any standard that I'm willing to entertain, at least."

Bucky shakes his head and tries clearing his throat again. It doesn't feel anywhere near as successful this time around. "That's fine. I don't—I don't think I'd… I wouldn't be ready for that. I just want to know it's not…."

"Capable of being controlled remotely?" she offers when he trails off.

"Yeah. Aside from the code. I don't—that's not a problem. They're dead. Anyone else that had it, I mean." Christ, his foot's going to bounce straight out of his boot, right through the leather.

"I can't make any kind of assurances at this stage when it comes to that. But you have my word that it will be my team's primary focus." Her hand pulls back, and he feels four of her fingertips lightly rest on his shoulder. "I'd prefer to check that connection point they left over your spinal cord before you leave today, but the rest of what we need for diagnostics can wait until another time."

Bucky pulls in a heavy breath through his nose. "Yeah. I'm ready to do that."

"I need to get a few things for it and check in with my team." She taps at the side of the wreath lightly. "You don't have to keep looking at the scan, but you should leave this on while I'm gone so we can get some basic readings."

"You're the boss, doc." He tries not to make it look like he's in a hurry to get the thing out of his hand when he dumps the tablet on his leg.

"I'll be back in just a bit," she tells them, calmly shuffling off into the other half of the office. The glass door hisses loudly as she goes through it, confirming it's a sterile lab. The wall frosts over shortly after with the privacy screen activating.

Neither of them says a word for the first few minutes.

"Well," Steve finally offers up, his voice still as thick as when he thanked the doctor. "There's the confirmation you've been waiting for."

"That's not what that was—"

"Alright, you know what? Fuck you very much, Buck—"

"Fuck me? Fuck me? Yeah, I guess that's how it works now, what with you making alll the fucking calls—"

Steve's finger comes sailing into his face. "This affects more than just—" He stops with a short, muted groan and yanks his hand back to shove through his hair. After a moment, he lets it fall to his thigh in a clenched fist. "You want to sit here blaming yourself for it all, fine. I've got no right to tell you to stop when I'm still doing the exact same thing. But I'm pulling you through this whether," his voice goes high and mocking as he turns to glare a hole into the side of Bucky's head, "yooou like it or not. I let you fall once; I'm not fucking doing it again, asshole."

Bucky stares down a lava lamp sitting on the coffee table for a long, silent moment, his face pinched. He counts the number of wiggling blobs floating from the top to the bottom. He takes in their shared color and picks as close to a stupid paint name for it as possible. One by one, his photographic memory goes down the list of stupid colors from that stupid swatch wall at the stupid art supply store that Steve takes him to when he can't sleep at three in fucking the morning. He decides on fuchsia because it sounds extra stupid. There're twelve in total, they're fuchsia, and his best friend is as stupid as the name of their color.

The anger eventually eases up. "You're the asshole."

Steve sits back in his chair with a sigh. "Love you, too."

It takes a long minute of grinding his teeth for Bucky to force out the question that won't stop echoing in his head. "She doesn't know about the others?"

"She knows there were other attempts, but no, I didn't tell her any of them were successful. I left my notes in her file on what's been held back from her, along with the things she knows that her team doesn't. You can tell her whatever you want; that's up to you. I really think you should read through all of their files."

"Yeah?" Bucky snaps mockingly. "I really think you should kiss my ass."

Steve reaches out to grab one of the magazines from a stack on the coffee table. His posture is resigned and absolutely screaming I know better than you right now, idiot. "You should grow the fuck up."

—

There's no way the notes from HYDRA cover all his surgeries, not with this much framework built up inside his brain.

Steve warned her to expect something like this. The bastards passed Bucky around like a science experiment over the decades. Whenever a station was compromised, all of its records were destroyed to safeguard HYDRA's critical secrets, the work and confirmed existence of the Winter Soldier being one of them. Only a handful were raided by SHEILD efficiently enough to prevent further loss of his medical history. What remains is the scattered works of solitary minds spanned across decades.

In Ava's opinion, not one of those minds should have been granted the mercy of seeing daylight again after their senseless, abhorrent, despicable crimes against the sergeant. Never in her life has she been a violent woman, but given a blunt object and five minutes with the lot of them, she'd have been very tempted to rebalance nature with ruthless gusto.

A hand nudges at her arm, pulling her from her distraction with a quick inhale. "Sorry, repeat that?"

Wyatt's eyebrows pull in sympathetically. "Y'can hand this part off to one of us, boss."

"You can hand it off to him," Hannah interrupts briskly, her eyes never moving from where they're pressed against a microscope.

"Y'can hand it off to me," Wyatt rapidly corrects with a warm smile. He drums his stylus against his arm and leans against the lab's center console. The movable hologram program Tony gifted them is already building detail into one of the darkest acts in human history. Right there, in front of one of the most gentle souls Ava's ever met. The contrast makes her stomach drop. "I mean it; y'know me, I got a real sweet touch. Betch'a the sergeant wouldn't even know I'd been there til it was over."

"Don't make me say it, Combs." Hannah almost sounds bored. The former marine is in a good mood today.

Wyatt doesn't even bother with throwing a quip back at her. He's usually wise enough to know when he's in a losing battle. Reaching out, he gives Ava's shoulder a supportive bump. "You said so yourself; he's alright with meetin' us."

Ava shakes her head, bringing her hand up to rub at the bridge of her nose. Her eyes are stinging hard enough to make them water. She shouldn't have pulled an all-nighter before this; it definitely isn't helping her frustration. "He's okay with it; that doesn't mean he's ready for it. You should see the way he's practically vibrating in that chair. There's not one part of this he isn't forcing himself through. I want to try to limit contact until he feels like he's in control of the space around him."

"That won't take long," Hannah comments quietly, reaching for another slide. "There are certain habits infiltrators don't lose."

"Speakin' from your own experience on that one?" Wyatt asks, curiosity creeping into his tone. Their eternal beacon of southern sunshine has yet to give up chasing details about her, unlike everyone else who visits their little medical corner.

"Infiltrator is not the classification I would have given myself. I was never very subtle in my old line of work."

"Yeah, 'cause subtle's definitely the word I'd pick for your blunt ass now." Wyatt rolls his eyes and extends his hand to rapidly spin the projection of Bucky's brain with the flick of a stubby finger. "Either'a you looked at these trenches much yet? There's different cablin' in every major section. None of it's got a set standard, far as I can tell."

"I don't think he ever had the same doctor for more than two surgeries." Ava leans heavily against the console with a sigh, trying not to let herself venture into the mindset of a terrified soldier. She has to stay detached, or this will eat her alive before they're even halfway done. The enlarged hologram already hurts to look at in more ways than one. "Steve confirmed that HYDRA intermittently lost sections of his records through the years. All of this could be fractured by the decades; we won't know until Paige starts getting a read on the programming behind that main port."

"How do you want us to handle data transfer?" Hannah asks.

"Let's keep this off our internal server as much as we can help it. Tony sectioned off a virtual instance that we can burn when needed, but the only time you should be using that is for his scans. Put everything else on an isolated hard copy here in the lab, wherever you can do it without hindering the work. I want the equipment analysis kept as off-record as possible. I don't want this being recreated. By anyone."

"Definitely agreein' with you on that one, boss." Wyatt pokes his finger into the projection's left frontal lobe, halting its slowing spin. "I know we said extraction ain't the goal here, but I'm gonna be runnin' some sims on that when I've got the time. I don't like the idea of leavin' any'a this shit in, even if we do get it identified and nuked."

Ava nods and reaches up to give his shoulder a warm squeeze. "Let me know what initial paths you route; we can build from there. I doubt he'll be ready for any extensive work for years to come, but the least we can do is present him with some options." She takes a deep breath through her nose as she looks over the port connection on the hologram. "Alright, I'll be back after I finish his consultation."

"Good luck, boss," Wyatt encourages with a smile. "Tell the sergeant we said hi."

She waves her hand over her shoulder with a hum and braces herself to face her latest patient again.

The sergeant himself is sitting just as stiffly as he was when she left, but the captain has moved on to relaxing with a magazine in his hands. They both look up at the sound of the door opening, with a laid-back smile on Steve's face and a forced one on Bucky's. She almost wants to tell him that he doesn't have to make an attempt.

"Sorry for the wait; needed a quick check-in with the brain trust." And to not want to throw something heavy through Tony's fancy glass walls. "They wanted me to pass along their hello's. Dr. Combs, in particular, is very excited to meet you."

Bucky huffs a silent laugh through his nose as she returns to stand at the side of his chair. She doesn't try to move behind him for the moment. "Yeah, I'm sure I'm real—"

"Buck," Steve cuts in softly with a side eye in his best friend's direction.

"Fascinating?" Bucky's eyes lift to Ava's at her teasing guess, and his responding nod is sheepish. She smiles at the attempted manners. "Your case is as interesting as it is horrific, that's for sure. Lucky for you, we're a morbid bunch, so you can go for the gallows humor whenever you want." She taps at Bucky's arm with the pad of her index finger, trying to warm him up to repeat physical contact. "However, I'm pretty sure Wyatt is looking forward to asking for your autograph above everything."

The sergeant's eyebrows rocket toward his hairline. "What's he looking for? Love, The Winter Soldier?"

"Bucky." Steve doesn't even look over this time; he just drops one side of the magazine to pinch the bridge of his nose.

The sight of an exasperated Captain America sitting in her office makes Ava snort loudly. She doesn't miss the way it makes Bucky's lips raise at the corners. "He comes from a long line of history buffs who believe accurate preservation is the best tool to prevent it from repeating. The guy grew up with battle models and field testimonials from every major war. I'm guessing he had some Howling Commando envy as a kid, though he won't own up to that on his end."

"He knows I was one of them for all of five minutes, right?"

"None of us were Howlies for long," Steve forcefully insists, one foot coming over to kick Buckys. "But that doesn't change the good we did while we were."

"It also won't stop him from chewing your ear off about it if you let him." Ava crosses her arms over her chest in amusement. "My advice is to stop him early. Definitely before he starts asking what you remember about the maps. You've got a real Milo Thatch working on your brain now." Bucky looks up at her in confusion. "Haven't gotten around to Disney movies yet? Milo's a character from Atlantis, one of my personal favorites. He and Wyatt share a certain level of academic excitement."

"I'll add it to the watch list." A small smile comes up, making her wonder what his cheeks look like when he really lets it go. "And keep the point of no return in mind."

She stops herself from gushing about the beauty of the art behind the movie, wanting to honor his headfirst approach. "You ready to get the last part of today's visit over with?"

His shoulders rise with another resigned intake, making her want to be ferociously violent toward the closest available Nazi. "I'm ready when you are, doc."

"My go-to hardware specialist built a prototype connector based on the scans Tony got during your initial intake. It's only the first iteration for the sake of data extraction, so be sure to speak up if anything feels off. Anything at all, even if it's just minor discomfort. She can work on changing it for the next build. I'm sure Steve can attest to Paige's efficiency at her job by now."

The slightest hint of a blush comes over the captain's cheeks at the teasing mention of his numerous visits to the engineering department. "Ms. Findley—"

"Does she ask you to call her that?" Bucky jumps on his best friend with immediately. Ava would feel bad about chumming the waters, but the banter is making him relax against the chair.

Steve shuts his mouth momentarily. The blush gets a shade darker before he opens it again. "Paige is a very dedicated worker. And a lovely conversationalist. How do you two know each other? Through Tony?"

Now Ava really does feel bad. She puts a hand on her hip and tries to keep her smile from growing. "No, I'm the one who introduced them. She's been my best friend for about fifteen years now."

Steve freezes, and Bucky's grin takes over the lower half of his face. The sergeant sits all the way back, with shoulders that are perfectly at ease. "Oh, good. If I think of anything later, I can just have Stevie drop it off for me. I'd hate to forget between appointments."

Ava pulls the wireless reader and its port connector from the briefcase on Bucky's chair. She steps up behind him and tries not to let her eyes linger on how his smile lights up his face or how it warms her chest to see. Her free hand comes to rest on his left shoulder, leaving the exit door in his right peripherals. "This shouldn't take more than a few minutes at most. Ready?"

"Hit me." It almost doesn't sound forced.

She lifts his hair and runs her thumb over the port once to brace him for the new sensations before lining up the connector. As she'd explicitly requested of Paige, the mechanism doesn't snap into place when she locks it in, meaning there's no responding vibration to move through his skull. The notes from Bucky's therapist that were passed along didn't mention it, but they hardly mention anything at all. There's a lot he's holding back, there has to be, and she's been trying to preempt as much of it as she can.

Bucky's nails dig into the arm of the chair, and he inhales sharply. After a moment, his fingers start to relax one by one. Ava watches them all, her eyes moving between his hands and neck repeatedly, while the reader begins its data harvest. She gives him long enough to get a few steady breaths in.

"Have you started any animated movie binges?" she prods, wanting to stall for time to get a closer look at his implant. With him letting her hold up his hair like this, it might be her only chance for the foreseeable future.

"Sam's gotten me to sit through a few of his picks," he replies tensely.

"Mmm. I'm guessing Mister Feathers is a Pixar fan."

"I know that's an animation studio, but that's the extent of my expertise on the subject. Are they the ones who made Lilo and Stitch?"

"He did not make you watch that one first."

"He did, but that's technically not my first animated movie. We had them back in the 30s, you know."

"Some of us still call it animation's golden age," Steve mutters in the most crotchety old artist fashion, his eyes back on the magazine in his lap.

"Take a look around this room, Rogers," Ava sasses. "Do I look like someone who'd argue with you about its significance?"

"Point taken."

Her eyebrows pull in while she looks over just how much of Bucky's spinal cord is exposed to outside influence. She knows how far the port runs thanks to the scans, but now she's getting an eyeful of movable hatching and flesh that will never get the proper chance to heal.

"How are you handling the daily care of this?" she asks, running her finger around one edge of the port.

"I do it," Bucky tells her simply.

Her eyes lock on the back of his head in disbelief. "You do… what, exactly?"

"I've got a morning routine for it. Clear the excess buildup, sterilize the whole area, work the skin, that kind of thing."

"You understand that this has direct access to your brainstem, right?"

"I know." He shifts his weight in the chair. "I'm careful."

"I have several medical degrees, one of which is entirely focused on the human brain, and even I would hesitate to approach this on my own body. If anything that can give you so much as a hundred-degree fever touches this, you're dead, Bucky." She lets the hand not holding up his hair come to rest on his shoulder. "I'm not trying to scare you with this, but as your doctor, I need to make sure you understand the severity here. I don't want you doing this yourself anymore; I want you to come to my office for it."

"That's not necessary—"

"What time do you want him here in the mornings?" Steve asks, ignoring Bucky entirely.

"I don't need to come here in the mornings—"

"It doesn't have to be every morning," Ava offers, wanting to give him a compromise. She's definitely not letting him go back to doing it himself. "I can set up a stable cleaning routine every other day whenever you have the time to come in."

"I have it handled, really—"

"I wouldn't push it past three days, though."

"Every other morning," Steve agrees. "That's perfect. JARVIS can keep an eye on the schedules for him."

"I've got working fucking eyeballs," Bucky almost shouts, making Ava and Steve finally let up.

She squeezes her hand on his shoulder, half in apology, half in sympathy. "Yes, you do. But they happen to be in the front of your head. My eyes can see the back of your neck without a mirror, and they've got a decade's worth of disgustingly thorough medical training behind them. You came here because you're ready for this to get done. Now you actually have to let me do it."

Bucky lifts a hand as if he's about to argue but then lowers it with a soft sigh. "Yeah... yeah, alright. But I'm not always going to be here in the mornings—"

"She said it doesn't have to be the mornings," Steve cuts in again.

"You know what I mean, jackass. I'm not always going to be here consistently. I have, you know, a job that you try to boss me around on—"

"We can make sure you've got a trained medic to help—"

"No, Grant."

The words are said softly, and it takes a moment for Ava to even remember that it's the captain's middle name, but something happens in the wake of them. Steve's relentless push stops on a dime, and the fight leaves Bucky's shoulders. The two of them relax marginally, and Steve nods once. "Okay. So, we establish the routine here. Get it ironed out; get you practiced with it. Then I'll clear you for doing it yourself on missions. But if you miss even one while you're here, so help me—"

"I got it, I got it."

Steve watches Bucky with a tightly held expression for another long moment. Then he looks up at Ava with a nod. "He'll be here, and I'll make sure he's not cleared for another mission until you two have a stable routine for taking care of this."

Ava gives Bucky's shoulder another light squeeze. "I promise it'll be quick every time. I'll work with Paige on making you a field kit. In the long run, this shouldn't interrupt your normal day-to-day much at all."

"Appreciate the effort, doc." Bucky gives a soft grunt. "Sorry for the. Y'know. Pushback."

"I think the world owes you a little more than patience as backpay, Sergeant. I'm happy to help where I can."

—

Febuary 19th 2018

"I can handle it if you want me to."

"No. No, I... I can do it."

"You're sure?"

"You think I can't?"

"I think you look like you're about to throw up on my shoes."

"I don't like the idea of... starting off like that."

"That's why I'm offering to do it."

"No. It should be me. There are things you won't be able to explain."

"You can always fill in the blanks when she shows up for Soldat training."

"What a great alternative first impression! Hello, ma'am, not only am I a complete jackass, but I also delegate my role as—"

"You're not delegating; you're assigning the right person to the job. And this takes away the need for you to be a jackass."

"Leaving you to be a confrontational bitch in someone's eyes?"

"What's the issue there?"

"That's not what you are, Nat."

"Says who?"

Steve reaches out to smack the side of her arm. "That's one of my closest friends you're ragging on."

"She can take it." Natasha looks over at him, a bored hike to one brow. "Let's stay focused on what the doctor can take. This won't be like the therapists. We can't put him through multiple doctors on this. We'll only get one or two tries before he draws the hard limit."

He nods, turning his eyes back to the closed elevator doors. "Right. Right, it's for a good reason. I can do it."

"You don't have to. I can handle it."

"I know. But it should be me." He knocks the side of his boot against hers. "Thank you."

"Always. Let me know how it goes."

Natasha's off the elevator before the doors are even finished opening, leaving Steve to collect himself alone. He pushes off the back railing with a heavy sigh. No part of this is going to be easy to stomach. He's accepted that. He exits the elevator with a resigned set to his shoulders.

The medical wing is dark this late into the day. JARVIS already confirmed that the doctor is still in the building. From the AI's reports, she pulls late nights like this regularly. It bodes well for what he'll have to ask of her and her team.

He stops to admire the heavy paint on the outside of the lab's door. There's days worth of work here, clearly a labor of love. It takes until he's admiring the fourth flower of his perusal to notice that it's not all the same artist. He scans it a bit quicker after that, trying to take a guess as to how many different hands took part. His best guess is four.

Accepting that he's been inadvertently stalling, Steve pushes it open roughly. He probably should have expected the onslaught of color in the room from seeing the door. It still hits him hard enough to make him do a double-take through his exaggerated annoyance. The doctor sitting on the other side of a very large desk nearly jumps out of her chair.

"Christ Al-fucking-mighty," she swears, one hand coming up to brace against her chest. Steve gets nailed with a furious glare. "Knock much?"

Well, that's one test passed. "Are you Dr. Ryder?"

"I am. Who the hell wants to—oh." Recognition dawns on her face as Steve gets close enough to be illuminated by her desk light. The fury in her shifts toward indignance. "I happen to hold a lot of respect for you, at least during normal business hours. So, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and let you have a moment to explain yourself, captain."

He almost starts with an apology, but he catches himself in time. "I've been told you're one of the best neurosurgeons we're in contact with—"

"No, you've been told I am the best." She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back in her chair. Her head inclines toward him. "You can continue."

Steve's reservations about her being able to handle Bucky are leaving rapidly. It almost makes him smile. He holds it together with his best captain voice. "I need your expertise on a consultation. A private consultation. Completely off SHEILD books."

"Am I being roped into the organization's second overhaul?" There's bitterness lingering in her tone. The kind Steve remembers feeling on his own end for months leading up to Fury's near-assassination.

"No. When I say private, I mean private. This isn't under SHIELD purview. I'll be expecting discretion if you think you're up to the case, so we're clear."

The doctor's eyebrows sail up, and her head moves back far enough to hit her chair. "I'll be expecting you to hand over some details before I agree to a damn thing. As a follow-up, you can provide me with an explanation as to why this needed to be done an hour before midnight, with no forewarning and definitely no respect. Otherwise, you can turn your happy ass back around and go find the other neurosurgeons you didn't feel like harassing first."

Damn. He really should have gotten Natasha to do this; she's faster with proper comebacks. "You'll be given information as you need to know it. First, I need to make sure that—"

"First, you can fuck off." Her head shifts to one side as he pauses. "I don't respond well to authority, captain. I'm sure whatever's going on is very important if it's got America's Sweetheart making an ass of himself in the middle of my office on a Monday night. But that's not really my problem. It could be, were I given a reason to care about it."

"Does rectifying war crimes warrant your valuable attention, doctor?" The words feel awful leaving his mouth; she doesn't deserve to get barked at like this. But he needs an honest indication of how she'll react to a bad day.

Ava watches him with a slightly open mouth for more than a few tense moments. Then recognition dawns for a second time, and her eyes roll dramatically. "Oh, for god's sweet sake. You could have just asked if I have experience with PTSD patients. Hell, you were clearly sent by Tony, and I met the man at a veteran's benefit, so you could have asked him. Barnes' presence on the Avenger's roster isn't exactly a secret these days."

Steve holds himself still, then shifts his weight to one foot. "You met at a veteran's benefit?"

She nods slowly, with a bit of mockery behind the motion. "Yes. Almost a decade ago. He funds most of my work with the VA."

That hadn't been included in her resume. He didn't want to invade her privacy by pulling her file until she agreed to it. Steve feels heat rise to his cheeks. Then the anger starts to surface. "You know, I'm not one hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that."

"You think?" The words are bone dry, and her posture is still defensive, but there's a smile working its way up from the corners of her lips.

"Look, I...." Steve raises a hand to the back of his neck sheepishly. "I apologize. I promise it's not about doubting your professionalism—"

"It's about protecting family, yeah, I get it." Her arms don't unfold from her chest. But her eyebrows do come back down.

"He's very important to me. I want to make sure he's in good hands, that's all."

"Well?"

Steve's brows draw in. "I wasn't trying to dump the case on you right now—"

"No, idiot." Her eyes roll again, with much less aggression. "I'm asking if I passed."

"Oh." He nods, his cheeks still feeling far too hot. "With flying colors, so far. There's still a lot more to cover before we get Bucky involved, but. Yes, ma'am. I think you'll handle him just fine."

With a sigh, her arms finally lower. She extends a hand out in his direction. "Ava Ryder. It's very nice to meet you, Captain Rogers."

He takes her hand with a firm shake, inclining his head apologetically. "It's very nice to meet you, as well, doctor. You can call me Steve."

"You can call me Ava. So can James whenever I'm finally graced with his presence."

Yeah. She'll do just fine. "He prefers Bucky. And I'm sure he'll provide you with a much more agreeable first impression. All that can wait until you don't look like you're going to fall asleep on your keyboard, though.

Ava smiles warmly at him, falling back against her chair as she takes back her hand. "I'm looking forward to it. You can send me the details on the case at a reasonable hour to make up for scaring the shit out of me."

"Yes, ma'am." He tips his head respectfully, already backing up from her desk. "Sorry for the scare. And for being so disrespectful. He really is—"

"Important to you." She waves her hand dismissively before reaching up to push at her glasses. "I get it, don't worry. I'd be twice as much of a wreck in your shoes. You're doing fine."

Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions, there are benefits to having the worst moments of his life in the history books. "I appreciate that, thank you. You have a good rest of your night, ma'am. I'll send—I'll have JARVIS send you his file—"

"Captain Rogers is unaware of how to forward SHEILD files, doctor," the AI cuts in gleefully.

"I had my suspicions, JARVIS; thanks." She waves her hand again, this time in goodbye, as she looks back at her computer screen. "Please don't trip on my carpet and bust your ass on the way out of my office."

Steve pointedly turns on his heel, glad for the excuse to hide his burning face. He all but races to the door. "I'll be in contact, doc."

"Mhmm."

When he pulls open the painted door, he's almost unsurprised to find Natasha leaning against the other side of the hallway. She doesn't move at all, but one side of her mouth lifts in a smirk.

Steve lets the door shut softly behind him before cocking his head to the side. "Very cute. You two in on it together?"

"No, but sniffing out Tony's bait didn't take long. You'd have noticed, too, if you weren't so far up Bucky's ass." Her head tilts in the opposite direction as his. "Feel better?"

He straightens up with a nod. The motion feels confident. "Much."

—author's end notes, yoinked straight from ao3—

“what’s paige like?” well. to put it simply. she is every last ounce of karma that steve has earned by lovingly terrorizing his best friend 😌

i feel like the overall theme got covered enough with this to tell if the plot is for you or not. flirting starts next, but isn't super blatant until chap 4. i am in zero rush and will have no problem with dedicating an entire chap to cuddling tbh, this is a comfort project im in for the long haul. check back later for * to get full smut taste, current (possibly changing) map has it in chap 9. OR you can check back for kinktober, i have all 31 days outlined for these idiots. i need starfield to be good so i can do smut for that too, bethesda pls

keep in mind this will get sci-fi weird at times, and loosely ref/revolve around greek myth tropes bc iiiii like ‘em ❤️ im a fandom ancient who takes no issue with cleaning out the dickhead comments 😌 also i might edit shit. im still not clear on what ao3 will email about a bookmark (god willing its not edits that dont include a new chapter) but just in case i figured id warn for anyone who doesn't want email spam

im gonna try to keep ava and paige as vague as possible, aside from a few scattered physical details so i have SOMETHING to write. my favorite bucky fic in existence is a reader!fic (safe with me is Ungodly levels of good, and i dont just say that as a fellow west wing addict. i constantly forget that his apartment in it isn't actually canon and there're no m&ms hiding for eternity somewhere) so you wont get any judgment from me on replacing both of them right down to their names, that’s how im writing them!! it just feels unfair to tag it a reader fic with them being given SUCH a heavy “presence" i guess

main pov's (the undated ones) will always flip between bucky and ava. the dated ones are other characters pov's OOOOOOR its a flashback in which case it could be the two of them, but ill always try to make it clear whose headspace is focused up front, so i dont think ive set up a hurdle there

thanks for reading ❤️ i love and appreciate feedback immensely ❤️ feeds the brain chemicals 😌 no worries abt spoilers, i feel like anyone looking there knows what theyre risking lmao

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes fic #chapter update #man the way thats going to be the extend of effort i have when it comes to promoing this damn thing #truly astonishing how little fandom energy i have lmao #i sure as shit aint taggin the other ones with anything but my sorting tags lmao #i do not have the Energy #good space

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selamat-linting · 1 year

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i like to write, both serious and silly things, fiction and nonfiction. the serious stuff gets published in the newspaper, or submitted to some zine or a magazine and posted in a personal blog when rejected. the silly stuff tho, that ones for my eyes only. i enjoy both equally. but i do find it a little sad that i didnt have much chance sharing the silly writings because it was so personal and self indulgent. tbf, when i say its silly, its very silly. its a homestuck ripoff with some hints of eschatology using a mary sue as the main character.

premise is this : the world is inevitably ending in several decades, so somehow it activates an eldritch pocket dimension / machine / entity / creature hidden in the earth that are meant as a second chance for humanity. a sample of a few thousand humans were selected. using the data gathered on the internet, the device sets up a network of puzzles and quests to test the chosen people. it almost looks like a game. it promise that if they win, they will be given the means to create a new world. but ofc, its not just the machines who is the judge, but is also the entire humanity. barring certain exceptions (void players, the people who really likes not knowing shit and having things be a mystery, basically ppl who would be religious/spiritual and not question it), the player must do everything in game with the eyes and the judgement of the world watching. something they only know after heavy plot development.

some believed that the players were seen by the rest of the world because theyre judged as a representative for humanity, and that this intense scrutiny was just like how in the end of the world, god would ask every single part of your body about the things you do during your life, and that you will not be able to lie because it was the parts of your body (your actions) that testified for the truth.

anyway, as the contestants played the game, gets outside interference from world powers, the 1% and the like, suffer untold amounts of trauma, and loses their entire privacy as the inside of their heads gets laid out on the table for all to see, they realized that their myriad of different tests was ultimately asking them to look for another way and think for themselves instead of choosing black and white options on ethical/moral dilemmas. theyre metaphorically forced to walk on a long bridge that are as thin as hair. but it wasnt hopeless. again, the bridge, the pathway, was metaphorical. the machine demands the winning players to be a certain way. the kind who wanted to change the world for the better and has done enough thinking and actions to understand what it took, the one who has already let go of conventional human morals and forged their own path and philosophical system. this is the second chance of humanity afterall, they better make it work. the world is not for amusement after all.

anyway, the main character is a prince of doom who proudly proclaims he's killing himself to live. nah, he's not good at walking the metaphorical bridge either at first. look, the answer isnt to demand perfect people to cross the bridge, its mutual coordination, working together, you know the kind of shit leftists love to do. this wip im writing only has like, two first draft chapters and several disconnected scenes of things i find cool. im not that interested in making things coherent or completely finishing the story. the main character is still temporarily names as Anonymous. At best, it will be complete but only as a partially edited second draft that i will never officially share to anyone. its my personal fun project :)

#posts about my life #also pop quiz for the mutual #guess which religion im raised with using the doomsday theology i incorporated in this wip

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princesstokyomoon · 2 years

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feel free to ignore me, im rambling and thinking out loud to distract myself from yet another depression spiral

its so fuckin weird to me that online it feels like "enjoying a story" must involve some form of shipping or another

ive never really understood the point of... well, even labelling it shipping? it kinda made sense to me as a teenager, bute as ive gotten older i understand it less and less. especially because it doesnt feel to me like there is a particularly unified school of thought as to what shipping even is.

i remember when i was 13 it was just a casual "oh this is/would be interesting", but now it feels almost like,,,,,, people get very invested in it in a way that i just cant understand or relate to. like... its an emotional experience it seems? and i just do NOT get that at all.

this isnt meant in a judgemental way at all. plenty of art or fiction things can and do make me feel a variety of emotions. but ive never gotten emotional from analysing a thing, and thats the bucket that anything "shippy" falls into for me. i can look at it in theory, even consider and explore potential outcomes. but until i see how something ACTUALLY plays out in canon i cant get emotionally invested in it?

it feels basically impossible for me to say i Actually ship anything, cus the majority of the time, its not something im thinking about, unless canon material gives me a reason to. if i see fanart of a ship, or whatever, then i will probably consider that ship. but regardless of if i think "ew" or "meh" or "yeah thats cute", i never really end up shipping it.

and yet it seems that thats what 90% of fandom discourse and posts revolves around. who the fuck you ship.

i think off the top of my head, i can think of Exactly two couples i would say i Actively "ship" in the way everyone else seems to ship - rufus and goal from deponia, and aeryn and crichton from farscape. thats Basically it. other than that, the extent of my "shipping" is "i want to smooch this character and therefore, i shall self insert uwu". and even THAT i keep 95% of it to myself, cus why the fuck should my private fantasies be broadcast to the universe

i used to try and force myself to be involved in shipping culture as a teenager, and it got so much harder the older i got. cus i just do not care. i dont have strong feelings about two characters being together beyond a "aw thats kinda cute". and it turns out, that is just NOT enough to keep my interest in a ship. at all!

and i EXTRA dont understand people dedicating their energy and time to ships that they hate by attacking people who like those ships.

like girl, get a Life please, go outside, watch some shakespeare and other classical theatre plays, i Promise you there are worse ships out there still being performed to people on a regular basis

#its 3am uwu #only read this if you want to see me being baffled by shipping #its nothing bad or sad or important im jus sleepy and confused

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captains-simp · 2 years

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im on my PMS right and i really something angst + fluff w yelena or carol. you can break my heart (make me cry pls) and then make my teeth hurt from all the fluffiness, pls? (ps 1: you’re my favorite writter and i wish someday you starts writing things from my top 1 fandom | ps 2: sorry my english, this isnt my mother language)

Warnings: past toxic relationship, declining mental health, body insecurity, implied cheating (if you squint) and neglection

1.5k words

[ masterlist ]

Buy me a coffee? ☕️

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I love hot sauce.” Yelena stated as she poured the liquid onto her plate in excess. You watched her silently with a smile and wondered if you should tell her there was a spare bottle in the back of the cupboard you bought just the other day. “You want some?” She offered as she licked some off her thumb.

“I’m good, thanks.” You passed.

“More for me.” She shrugged as she finished the bottle.

“There’s a spare under the stairs.” You stated and watched as her eyes lit up.

“I love you so much.” She said as she gave you a swift kiss to the cheek before sprinting over to the cupboard.

“I love you too.” You whispered as you continued to watch your girlfriend in awe, still questioning how you could be so lucky as to have her in your life.

“You forgot to buy the fucking detergent again.” Carol yelled at you from the kitchen. You instantly winced and slowly got up from your nest of blankets on your bed to trudge down the hall to your girlfriend.

“I’m sorry.” You said plainly, knowing that trying to explain your forgetfulness would only make things worse.

“You said that last time.” The blonde snapped as she slammed a cupboard door shut. It jerked as one of the hinges snapped off the door, leaving it hanging sideways. Carol cursed more and you decided to keep your distance.

“I was just tired.” You said honestly.

“You’re always tired.” It was meant as a side snark but there was an overwhelming truth to the blonde’s words. You were always tired and the only time she seemed to notice was when you messed up. In those increasingly common moments she was far from sympathetic, exasperating your declining health.

“Do you want me to go get some now?” You asked because you honestly had no idea what she ever wanted anymore.

“Well sitting around watching TV isn’t going to clean my clothes.” You gulped thickly and silently grabbed your coat, wallet and keys, not knowing if she would still be there when you got back.

“You sure you don’t want dessert?” Yelena asked curiously as she noticed you eyeing her chocolate ice cream. There had to be at least 5 scoops, all of which drizzled in different coloured sauces and sprinkles as well as the occasional chocolate flake. It looked tempting to say the least.

“I’m okay.” You answered and took another sip of your milkshake.

“But I’m paying. You can have whatever you want.” Yelena insisted. It was endearing how far off her assumption was. “Oh! I understand it now.” She declared. You braised yourself for what she was about to say next, not wanting to discuss the insecurities flying around your head in such an open setting. “You are thinking about money.” She stated. You couldn’t quite help the grin that tugged at your lips. “You know my latest job gave me a pretty hefty pay cheque, y/n.” Yelena said proudly. “Many digits.”

When you didn’t say anything in confirmation of Yelena’s assumptions, too busy thinking about how she was the best thing to ever happen to you, she pushed her ice cream glass into the middle of the table and handed you an extra spoon from the nearest waitress. “Now I pay no extra.” She said simply. You smiled adoringly at your girlfriend and took a large spoonful of the cold dessert, knowing that you would tell her that evening about how you had been counting the calories in your head.

“You’re really gonna eat all that?” Carol mused, the judgement thick in her voice. You tensed up in her arms, feeling her expecting gaze on yours. You put the spoon back in the small tub of ice cream and placed it back on the table before cuddling closer into Carol’s side in an attempt to replace the hurt with warmth.

“I was done.” You lied as you plastered a fake smile and looked up at Carol. She smiled down at you and rubbed your arm soothingly. She kissed your forehead gently and tenderly ran her fingers through your hair.

“That stuff’s not good for you anyway.” Carol said condescendingly. It was just a treat, you thought. “Maybe you should go on the diet I’m on.” She suggested as she turned back to the TV. There was no possible need for you to go on a superhero diet but you swallowed down your objections and put your fake smile back on.

“That sounds great.”

You nervously tapped at the kitchen counter as you checked your phone for the tenth time that minute. You gave a shaky breath and turned on the TV from the kitchen island with a shaky hand and tried to distract yourself with whatever reality show was on. Still, your eyes kept flickering towards your phone.

When your phone screen lit up with a picture of your girlfriend, you picked up the call immediately. “Baby! I miss you so much, I’ll be home in less than an hour.” She called down the phone before you managed to get a word in. Relief flooded through you.

“I miss you too.” You sighed and felt the muscles in your shoulders relax. “Are you okay?”

“Not a scratch on me.” She said simply and you gave a shaky laugh. “You don’t need to worry about me, dekta. I always make sure I come home to you.” She assured.

“Thank you.” You breathed out.

“No problem.” She answered cheerfully. A moment of comfortable silence settled over you both before she spoke again. “Wanna stay on call as I drive home?”

Carol was meant to be home two days ago. It wasn’t rare for her missions to over run, except that Natasha had told you two days ago that Carol’s mission was completed and she was back on Earth. That had happened before - too many times to count. You had stopped asking the captain about it after the first couple times. It only started fights that were hard to forget and words being thrown that Carol never took back. They took too much out of you and you never got any answers in exchange.

You looked up in alarm when she finally stumbled through the doorway. You had stayed up for her just like you did the couple nights prior, dark circles under your eyes growing more prominent. She didn’t seem to notice you as she tripped into the kitchen and poured herself another drink. You didn’t try to stop her, afraid of her short temper when she was drunk.

“Why are you up?” She asked with a blank face when she noticed you.

“I was waiting for you.” You answered simply.

“Oh.“ She said. “Okay.” Carol turned and made her way towards your bedroom where she fell down in the centre of the bed, stretching her arms out wide to take up all of the bed. You followed behind at a safe distance and watched as she fell asleep within a few seconds.

You got her favourite blanket out from the dryer and placed it gently over her and wished her goodnight quietly as you closed the door, getting ready to make up a bed on the couch.

“Have you seen my keys?” Yelena asked as she patted down her pockets and glanced around your apartment.

“Inside, middle left pocket.” You answered without looking up from your laptop screen.

“Ah.” She grabbed her keys from her pocket and kissed your forehead in appreciation. “What would I do without you?”

“Lose your head probably.” You teased making Yelena shoot you a faux dirty look. “You know it’s true.” You grinned as you leaned your head back on the couch to see her better.

“Yeah yeah.” She waved you off. “I have to go.” She pouted and you did the same, wishing she didn’t have to.

“I’ll miss you.” You said as you held your hand out for her. Your girlfriend took it and gave it a tight squeeze.

“I’ll miss you more.” She assured, even if you didn’t believe it. She noticed your look of longing and sat down beside you.

“Are you okay? I can call in sick if you want me to stay.” She said and you chuckled, brushing her cheek with your thumb.

“That’s okay, Lena. I have deadlines to be getting on with anyway.” You said truthfully as you glared at your screen.

“Goodluck with it.” You hummed and kissed her gently, something she happily endorsed.

“Goodluck with your mission.” Your girlfriend smiled into the kiss and rested her forehead against yours.

“I’ll be back.” She promised. “I’ll always come back to you.”

#ex carol danvers #carol danvers #captain marvel #brie larson #captain marvel x reader #carol danvers x reader #captain marvel imagines #carol danvers imagines #marvel #yelena belova oneshot #yelena belova imagines #yelena belova imagine #yelena belova

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fadewalking · 2 years

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This is coming out of nowhere i guess but I've been trying to just unpack my feelings about the trend of people @ing blogs like isthecatvideocute or whatever critter a video is featuring, in every single video with a cat regardless of the actual content. And this really isnt meant to be a dig at those kinds of blogs, especially the cat one because I've so far never disagreed with any of their judgements and they seem to do at least a little bit of research into answering questions. But something about this entire thing is discomforting to me. And i think in part, it's the blind faith and like.... absolute authority that the general public seems to give these blogs. And not just absolute authority but like.. necessary absolute authority, which i think is what truly bothers me. Like, I've seen videos of the most benign things. Cats just walking around, or playing with something, completely unbothered in any way, and in the comments I'll see an @ for that blog and im just like.... why.....

And sometimes they'll even say why. And usually it's just because they "think it's probably fine but just want to make sure." And it's these type of statements that, which obviously well intentioned, really don't sit right with me, for two reasons.

First and most obviously, the whole blind faith thing. I appreciate that the good folk who run that cat blog genuinely seem to be invested in making sure the advice they give is as accurate as they can give it. Even if that advice is to "go see a vet". But the fact is that none of the people who run that blog are animal experts, at least that isnt advertised on their blog from what i saw. If im wrong about this, then sorry, but the issue still applies to other similar blogs who are just run by regular nonexperts who may or may not even have personal experience in owning whatever creature it is as a pet. For the cat blog specifically, they do say that they all have years of experience owning cats. So that's great, but who's to say that the blog owner of is-the-capybara-video-cute has ever even seen one irl? (Im going to assume that's not a real blog, since i just picked a random animal as an example. Sorry if that is a real blog, and sorry if the blog owner is rad) what im saying is i dont think we should be giving the advice of non-experts the weight of opinion that should be afforded to an expert. I dont have a problem with these blogs existing or people asking them questions, but i just dont think we should be thinking of their word as beyond reproach.

Secondly i don’t like this idea that a lot of people seem to have that we NEED to get Cat Blog to weigh in on a video in order to feel guilt free about enjoying it, if there's nothing outstanding as a potential bad thing. Which i get is a kind of tricky thing for me to feel, because certainly there are some things that are bad for cats that most people think of as benign, or wouldn't even know to question. And i know that being overcautious comes from a place of concern for the welfare of the animal. And even if they arent experts, i get that there's still a place for blogs like that, and it's not necessarily WRONG to seek their advice. But also. I feel like we should be using our own judgment and critical thinking skills whenever we view any piece of media. We shouldn't need permission to appreciate or dislike every single thing that comes across us. If there is clearly nothing wrong, we shouldn't be asking. If there clearly IS something wrong (like a video where someone yeets their cat across the room or something wild like that) we shouldn't be asking. It just feels like there's no boundary. If a cat is in it, it has to get the Cat Blog stamp of approval. And these cat blog people could be anybody! (But again they seem lovely.) That is my issue.

Tl;dr: Think for yourselves. Do your own research. Go to an advice blog if something is ambiguous or unclear, and leave the end all, be all judgments to the experts.

#ooc #not even experts are beyond reproach though so let's remember that too #and ik not everyone treats these blogs like they are beyond reproach #but i have seen a lot of posts where that exact thing does happen #i just dont want us to over rely on what is more or less an unverified source of information #and i know that sounds like a dunk on the cat blog but i really don't mean it like that #it's not that they ARE a haphazard reckless fake news mess #because they arent. they seem to be doing quite well.#it's just that they could have been. any for all we know #any of the other similar blogs could be too #we just need to be wary and not follow blindly.

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wizkiddx · 3 years

Text

a friendly face

a lil one inspired from seeing the recent interviews abt cherry - yes im a couple days late but am very slow. This is basically stolen and adapted from another of my stories so I don't think there's any bits left over by my dyslexic proof reading isnt that great so apologies!!! very speech heavy so sorry am trying to balance my writing more

Summary: Tom is having a hard time filming Cherry and dealing with the emotional baggage of it, so Harry recruits someone to make everything that little bit better.

tomhollandxreader

fluff and a little angst I guess?

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Harry, Tom and their driver Sian where all sitting in the car having left the set 20 minutes ago, heading back to their accommodation. Or more precisely, Harry and Sian sat in the two front seats- Harry only in the front as to allow Tom to lie down across the three back seats. He was asleep, or at least looked asleep, but Harry knowing his brother so well knew he was just wishing he was. The day had been torturous for Tom, they’d been filming a hospital sequence in which his character was heart broken. The sequence had involved him being thrown onto the floor multiple times, by a heavy handed stunt double who was not nearly as precise as those he’d worked with at ‘marvel’. Furthermore, there was also multiple scenes of him having to properly cry on camera, which although it sounds tame, is one of the hardest things you can ever ask an actor to do. At least, someone who commits half as much as Tom. For him to show that emotion, he had to go back to a place in his life where he didn’t really ever want to venture again. But even then, this character was such a fuck up, he had to do deeper. He felt completely drained, emotionless and cold. But he couldn’t sleep, not for the guilt he felt for being short with everyone on set- he had never been like that before, he just felt like no one was respecting or understanding what he was going through. So instead he just lay on his side, facing the backs of the leather seats, arms folded in stubbornness- even if he had no idea why.

“Tom?…Tom, I know you’re awake… Look, we need to make a quick stop. You gotta come out.” Harry was actually slightly nervous his brother would just point blank refuse, even if he needed this so bad.

“I just need to get back to the apartment. Please Harry. Can’t we do it tommorrow?” The desperation dripping off Tom’s voice actually pained Harry to listen to. He knew Tom was having a crisis about how he treated everyone today, so chose to ignore his please in favour of some assurance.

“You know everyone understands… They just kept asking me if you were alright?” Harry could see the guilt radiating off Tom. It hurt him to see his big brother like this.

“Please… I just need to get back” His small voice barely made it to the front of the car, but Harry heard it all.

“It will take 2 minutes tops, I had a delivery but I need a hand carrying it, come on” Harry spoke as Sian turned on the indicator to pulled up next to the sidewalkpavement; the car slowing to a gentle halt. Tom didn’t reply, instead huffing as he used the head rest of the middle seat to pull himself up. Already out the car, Harry opened the door for him waiting patiently, because Harry knew he would be a hundred times better off in just a few moments.

“What the hell have you even ordered that’s so big?” Tom sighed while ducking through the door into the cold Cleveland air, keeping his eyes on the sidewalk as Harry motioned for him to follow his feet.

“Oh um don’t know, a good friend sent it actually” Harry tried to hide the grin that was spread over his face from showing in his voice, as he saw a very familiar head of hair running toward them.

“What friend?” Tom looked up sassily toward Harry, shortly questioning who would send Harry a parcel from England that was too big to be delivered or carried by himself. Only then, nearly 5 metres away from Sian in the car, did Tom look up to see where they were. It wasn’t the nearest post office or delivery warehouse - they were at the airport. “Harry what’s going on?” Tom questioned with a low and warning voice, skipping a step or two in order to catch up with his younger brother.

“We’re collecting her” Harry smiled as he nodded forward. Following his gaze with eyes wide open, Tom turned forward just in time to see Y/h/c flying over his face as he was engulfed by someones arms. Immediately sensing exactly who this was, Tom did not hesitate to wrap his arms around your waist and push his head into your neck. Smelling the familiar perfume, Tom couldn’t help but scoff, allowing a the jerky breath to leave his lungs as you arched away from the hug, cupping Tom’s face with both her hands.

“I’ve been reliably informed you could use a friendly face” you smiled, noticing his raw emotions threatening to overtake him, so swiftly pressing just pressing your lips onto his. Seemingly frightened to move, Tom barely reacted to the kiss, so you pushed and deepened into it a little more- till you felt him relaxing against you. With that, you arched away again and smiled massaging his stubbly hair behind his left ear.

“How are you here?” He croaked staring deeply at her, switching between her left and right eye as if that somehow would confirm that this was real, not some cruel dream he was having.

“Someone somewhere knew you were in need and bought me a plane ticket over… I’m coming home with you on monday” You grinned while watching Tom’s eyes light up, he leaned in again to your lips instead of replying.

“Er-cuh-huh” Harry loudly cleared his throat, causing the two to pull away from each other. “Sorry to interrupt, but Sian isn’t really allowed to stop there long sooo” They both nodded, before Tom lunged at his brother, holding him close and whispering thanks too. It was clear this was at least partly Harry’s doing, and he could never thank his brother enough.

“Umm.. as much as I’m enjoying this brotherly love we really do have to get back in the car” Harry awkwardly spoke as he almost pushed Tom off him.

“Awww my favourite little brother being all mature” You giggled, taking your turn to hug Harry, admittedly a little shorter than Tom’s, but still with lots of gratitude.

“Please get stop loving me and get back into the car!” Harry yelled as he stormed off to Sian, leaving both you and Tom in fits of laughter. Grasping each others hand simultaneously the laughter continued as you followed Harry down the street to the car.

Seeing you standing there; feeling your arms wrapped round his neck ; hearing your oh so sweet voice had Tom feeling…. Feeling lighter. It was as though your mere presence gave him the strength to carry all the things that were previously weighing him down like a truck. What was extraordinary though, was how it wasn’t just psychological. He literally felt his joints feel looser, he felt his body flood with warmth and he felt his heart calming down. When you’d first been getting close to each you’d had rather the opposite effect. Which was surprising because that was at the point Tom had never felt more confident - he had just returned form a avengers press tour, where naturally everyone had just loved him and played up to his every whim. He had legions of girls, some of them drop dead gorgeous where falling at his feet. And yet, when he met you it was as though he was transported back into his incredibly awkward teenage years. It was infuriating, he knew he could act cool and unbothered and smooth however as soon as you stood informant of his it was like his mind melted, filling it with utter gibberish and garble. In fact, he was plainly floored by you - how kind and pure hearted you were, how respectful and how you found hhis jilted flirting adorable and not to forget how drop dead gorgeous you are.

It had taken a while and a hell of a lot of opening up, but over time he found the opposite happening. Your presence became something else entirely, not one that would put him on his toes and have his heart racing - more of a comfort. He slept better when you were beside him, his nerves never got the better of him if you were there to cheer him on. He could relax completely without any fear of judgement, any worry at all with you. What you had done is change the definition of something so fudemental and a given in life. You’d changed home from a place to something much more intangible. A person; a feeling; a connection. You were his home.

“Sian are we close?” You asked, turning your attention away from the two brothers annecdotes from filming, realising Sian must’ve been driving for about 30 minutes.

“Yep just the next right I think” Sian replied gently while turning the wheel as the indicator clicked.

“Where are we going?” Tom asked, looking first at you then pleadingly at Harry- knowing he had more of a chance with his brother.

“Well” You started and he whipped his head back round “I know it’s late and you’ve been working all day, but you have alater 10 o’clock call time tomorrow instead of 6, so this is the best night to do something. We found a driving range-with heaters” which was a very important factor since Cleveland was bloody freezing “- that we thought you’d like to play a game or two?” The massive smile in response meant you’d hit the nail on the head.

“And soz but I’m crashing the game otherwise- and no offence, but you would win waayyyy toooo easy Tom” Harry butted in and sniggered as he interrupted the lovey-dovey stares. You gasped at that in mock offence, holding your hand over your chest.

“Oi you, Paddy has been teaching on the Holland boys days out you both missed- I’ll have you know I now am aware that you have to get the ball into the hole, not a goal as previously thought.”

The boys both groaned in unison and Y/n wiggled her eyebrow grinning, elbowing Tom slightly in the side. “Things might have changed since you left you know?”

Yet another thing Tom loved so completely about you, was how effortlessly you had fitted into his family. Honestly, none of the Hollands could imagine life without you anymore - especially Nikki, who had quite literally attempted adopting you so she officially wasnt the only female in the immediate family. Sam used you as an expert taster for all his marvellous culinary creations (even if your judgement was always the same, it was very good); Dom often ended up picking your brains about your work, he found you ‘actual proper’ job as a doctor simply amazing , where all his family had never been especially acadmeically gifted; and Paddy just plain saw you as his older sister. So it was hardly surprising at all that when two of their actual kids flew across the world , you’d been the obvious placeholder. Yes, golf was most definitely your forte - but you were enthusiastic, with a positive (if flightily misguided) give it a go attitude.

The try-try-and-try-again attitude that never really worked … until Paddy taught you how to hit a clean drive.

“I am not joking, I am asking the lady at the desk there’s no way!”

“Tom you are the worst looser I have ever met! I didn’t cheat, I’ve just taken up a new hobby”

“There is no way Tom… no way she can get that good” Harry huffed as he ran straight past you to catch up with Tom, making sure that you did see the harsh glare he shot him. The outrage that Y/n had beaten them both at the driving range was way worse than anything you could’ve predicted- now you sort of were wishing you’d let them win. Oh wait…. Of course you weren’t - this was priceless. Especially their faces when you’d launched your first ball super accurately inn the centre of the second furthest away target. They had reacted as if you had just stripped butt naked, you thought; standing their jaws hanging with a look of almost fear in their eyes.

“You could see the balls land with your own eyes! Practice makes perfect!”

“Thats not fair though! It took you like 8 weeks to be like that?”

“I mean you were obviously just taught by the wrong Holland, Paddy’s a pretty good teacher!” You smiled as your trio turned the corner and walked through reception, seeing Harry desperate to ask the receptionist but Tom just looking over his shoulder to give a hurt look to at you.

“I’m going to ban you from being closer to my brothers than me”

“I can’t help if he’s cuter then you alright?” You smirked and raised an eyebrow, as Tom stopped in his tracks and turned to face you.

“That’s it… your gonna get it” he spoke in a low voice, with a mischievous look in his eye, abruptly he launched himself at you - barely having time to swerve away from him and start a sprint towards the exit, giggling as you took a glance back to see Tom chasing you out, Harry quickly in tow too.

“Your not allowed to beat me at golf!” In a jokey voice, you heard Tom yell, just as you reached the sleek black 4x4 and hurdling yourself into it.

“I’m in the car it’s a no fight zone!” You cowered in the corner,back pressed up against the opposite door and arms crossed to make an ‘x’ sign in front of her body.

“That is not how it works” Tom and Harry grinned from the open door. As fast as lightning they both vaulted in and started tickling you, making you screech curses at the two of them.

“Alright alright kids, no fighting while I’m driving thats an order.” Sian calmly spoke, trying to hide the laughter from her voice, as the two men retreated and helped to pull you up from the position half on the floor that your squirming had gotten you to.

“Get off my leg Tom… arghhh… thanks Sian, I’m sorry they’re so moody, I just whipped their asses at golf”

“You’re here to make me feel better right? Not doing a good job so far” Tom’s snide remark meant you scrunched up your nose while plugging her seatbelt in, making sure to jab Tom’s side hard as you did so.

“How did I end up sandwiched in between you two twats then?” You grinned from the middle seat as Harry just rolled his eyes looking out the window, and Tom gave you a loving smile- not able to hide his relief of your presence.

“Think it’s about a 40 minute drive you gotta enjoy” Sian smiled looking at you via the rear view mirror, to which Tom couldn’t quite stifle the yawn that escaped.

After all he had done much more than the typical 9-5 hours work, and the golfing was an unexpected addition to the already long day. His excitement and just pure joy at having you here had made him forget about It all for a couple of hours - but now his exhaustion was catching up with him with a vengeance. Instinctively you wrapped you arm round Tom and in doing so pulled him into your side.

“Get some rest huh?” You whispered into his forehead, and all Tom could do was reply with a weary nod, letting his eyes slip close to the constant beat of Ally’s heart. You immediately sensed Tom was properly out of it, and contented yourself looking out his window for a few minutes, before you felt something heavy briefly whack your other shoulder. Jumping a little at the contact, you looked round to see Harry’s head bobbing side to side in a light slumber. In the midst of worry for Tom, you hadn’t realised the kid had been doing the same long hours as him. Plus dealing with Tom and being Tom’s support, which surely took it out of him. Harry had always been ‘the most important brother’ in your eyes. Just because Tom trusts him so implicitly and completely, they had an understanding only real brothers could get to but also extended far beyond blood. When you’d first been introduced Harry had been colder to you. It wasn’t personal though, he just wanted to be sure on you and your intentions with Tom because as he well knew often when people saw Tom they didn’t just see an opportunity for love. It was an opportunity for a lifestyle, for fame, for relevance. Harry took a while before he trusted you but now you were miles and miles beyond that point. So now, being at a stage with Harry where he was phoning you to come and fly out to save Tom (and him too). It was not to be taken lightly. Therefore, you gently pressed your hand to Harrys face and pushed him to lean against her other shoulder too- hoping to cure the dark circles under his eyes a little bit too.

You were quite content for the rest of the journey, feeling warmth radiate through your body as the two men breathed deeply and calmly either side of you. You sort of didn’t want the car journeyer to end - but sure enough it wasn’t long till Sian was pulling into the hotel entrance.

“Get you a girl that can do both, beat yo ass at golf and look after your family” Sian whispered as she handed the phone back to you, after having taken some of your favourite ever photos, the 2 boys asleep on your shoulders while you pulled a variety of different faces. Smiling back at Sian, you then sighed-knowing she had to wake the two up, given their exhaustion you didn’t really want to either.

“Boys…boys… hey let’s get you both into bed yeh?” You spoke softly, gently raising your shoulders in order to disturb them both. Harry’s head immediately shot up, his eyes puffy and half open, but a sheepish look on his face as he realised how he was sleeping. Just responding with a smile that said it was all okay, before you turned her attention to Tom- forever stubborn to wake up, at least nothing had changed there.

“Come on Tom, can’t have you sleeping in the car all night” You pushed again, this time lifting Tom’s head, earning a very deep groan as his eyes slid open and he pushed against the movement. It was at this point Harry slammed the car door shut, making Tom jump out of his skin, you loosing the hope of any serene wakeup call. Rubbing Toms arm, relaxing the tension now present in his body you encouraged him once again. “Come on lets get inside mister”

His hotel room was exactly what you’d expect for an a-lister and lead actor in a million pound film. Large, modern, squeaky clean and posh. It was almost too big to be filled by one person though, Tom had always found it a bit cold and just not cosy - why he opted to spend the majority of his down time either fast alseep or in somebody else’s company. Both of those also stopped him getting too much in his head - or more accurately in his characters head. Cherry was a weird character and from interviewing all the veterans and lengthy discussion of his past, Tom almost felt as if he had in some small way experienced what Cherry had. Felt what Cherry did. Thought like Cherry did.

And that was a sure fire way to fuck yourself up.

Now, with you here in his room haphazardly digging through your case, if felt warmer. The cold but brilliant white lights seemed to have softened to a gently warm glow that bounced off your skin and made your figure look almost angelic to Tom. You were his home.

“What are you waiting for?” You mused while turning away from your (now) inside out suitcase, proudly carrying her pyjamas which you had found hidden at the bottom the whole time- not the most practical packing in the world. All the while Tom sat on his bed, back leaning against the headboard and arm bent behind his head too.

“Just thinking that I need to go through all the scenes for tomorrow” A monotonous tone laced his voice, for he knew he couldn’t spend the night the way he really wanted to, safely wrapped up with you.

“Oh… well let’s go through it together then hey? We will be done in no time; but if you want we can go over them again tomorrow morning.” It was a practical suggestion, a helpful action you could implement - even if you had a feeling Tom wouldn’t just agree. Since his lines clearly weren’t the only thing on his mind this evening.

“Yeh but everyone on set is already sick of me after today… I can’t be being shit as well as horrid” his voice was small as the memory of how he snapped at some of the extras had him cringing inwardly at himself. He shouldn’t have been that rude, shouldn’t have blurted it out, should of offered a solution rather than just critiquing.

“Hey would you kindly shut it? No one is sick of you, everyone is just ready for christmas and missing their families. Now get changed” Your soft tone turning into an imperative order, as you threw his pyjama bottoms at the him, smashing into his face before falling into his lap.

“Oi” he shouted, but followed instructions and stood up reaching round to pull his hoodie off. Stood shirtless, his side was exposed to the now changed you, the sight making you gasp and clamber over the bed to gently touch Tom’s back. You followed the outline of an impressive patch of bruising, stretching from the bottom edge of his shoulder blade all the way to his hip.

“Tom, what the hell happened?” Whispering in fear, Tom turned round to face you, seeing your eyes watering up as you kept glancing at his back. He was littered in a variety of purple, yellow and slightly green marks on the whole of his left flank. It looked like a minor crush injury, not something a pampered actor gets after a day of filming infront of tens of people including an onset medic and health and safety risk assessor.

“What?” Tom asked before turning to the mirror and looking back over his shoulder to see the bruises for himself. He hadn’t expected the ache to look that bad. “oh - I - er… Today the scene, I get smashed to the floor by someone and I kept doing it wrong so we had to do it lots I guess.” He looked away and down at your feet, not being able to meet his girlfriends eyes suddenly. You just nodded, trying to blink back the tears- he had truly been broken by this role both physically and now mentally- he hadn’t even put a stop to the constant and clearly severe pain.

“Put your stuff on” your voice was muted, as you waited for Tom to get prepared. He turned around again and then replaced his trousers and quickly pulled a top on to hide the marks, suddenly embarrassed. In the silence the sound of his clothes dropping to the floor, then of him sitting on the bed again- throwing his legs over so now he mirrored your position - the sounds were pretty defeaning.

“I love you so much….” Barely whispering, you suddenly ripped the duvet out from under you both holding it over you as you swung a leg over Tom so you straddled him, slightly leaning over him and letting the blanket rest on top of your back.In your position you looked down in an almost scary way to his warm brown eyes. Tom swore you were literally reading his thoughts, your intense gaze absolutely crumbling any walls he thought he’d be able to hold up. Pressing a gentle peck to his lips you then whispered onto his lips, letting him feel your words as well as hear them. “ …So that’s why we are going to sleep right now and you can worry about all of that tomorrow”

“Y/n I-“

“Your safe with me.” You were not standing for his nexuses and arguments, as you slid down his body - ending with your head resting on his chest, you legs tangled with his. Once you’re properly rested you’ll learn them ten times faster than what you can now… Before you get ill I am telling you to take a break. I’m not going to let you not. So relax and-….Tom?” Ending with a whisper, you delicately lifted your head off his slowly rising chest to see your broken boyfriend already asleep; lips parted as soft snores crept through the silence. In reality as soon as you’d said that he was safe the exhaustion had completely over taken him. Desperately needing to recharge his batteries, no matter how much he had wanted to stay up and work late it could never really happen - at this point physically impossible.

“Sleep well Tom” she smiled, planting a kiss on his cheek with a sad smile.

///////////////////////////////////////////

The next day rolled around all too quickly, but the morning was much better than any of the past couple of months because you were together. Tom, having had a solid 7 hours of sleep compared to his normal 5, was for once ready for the day. He’d gone through the script with a certain someones help in record time, and now the three were just pulling up at the set.

“You’ve been awful quiet this car ride…” you grinned as she clasped Tom’s hand across the empty seat, making Harry turn around and give you a warning glance. Oops. In a moment where Tom went to the loo at breakfast, Harry had fully disclosed everything that had happened on set yesterday- especially the burst of anger. So naturally, Tom was feeling nervous and scared to face everyone.

“It will be fine I promise… and if not tell them I’m your personal body guard- no one will be rude to you if me and Harry are ready to attack” Tom let out a breathy nervous laugh, only then meeting your eyes.

“ A fly wouldn’t be threatened by you two. Harry would just take a photo while you’d check their pulse or something”

“Errrm” Harry furrowed his eyebrows as he contorted round from the front seat so Tom could see his disapproving look, meanwhile Tom was dodging your affectionate fake-slaps.

“Children we’re here” Sian sighed as she brought the car to a steady halt “and if you could get through the day without killing each other I’d appreciate it, otherwise I’m out of the job”

“Not promising anything when I’ve got these pair to deal with” Tom grinned as he opened the car door, before anyone else could retaliate.You laughed before quickly following suit, joining Tom at the front of the car and interlocking your fingers with Tom’s. Hesitating for a moment Harry took a second before unplugging and leaning for the door handle.

“You see what I mean?” Turning his head to look at Sian “It’s sickening how happy they are.”

“Yeh but your glad about it don’t lie” she grinned, before practically shooing the poor boy out her car.

“But dont tell them!” Shouting in reply, as the car was already pulling out.

Tom’s body seemed to tense more the closer you walked to the crew tent, you could feel the way he squeezed his shoulders back and his jaw tensed and untensed. There was little you could do apart from squeezing his hand that little bit tighter - further reiterating the fact you would always always be in his corner. Perhaps the most telling about Tom’s own character was how truly guilty he felt for the way he was with the crew. Normally, he was one of the most down to earth actors around - no trace of an ego or superiority complex. It didn’t matter if you were a cleaner or head of a multimillion dollar studio, Tom would pay both the same amount of respect. He always out that completely down to his upbringing and mum and dad, but even that was being humble. He was just a good person to the core, no one saw that more than you either. It’s part of love, you see the good and the bad parts of a person and promise to unashamedly love them all.

Just before you both had made it into the main tent, Tom was pulled away. “Oh Tom we wanted to talk to you about yesterday!” The familiar voice of Joe Russo called, as he and Anthony ran up to Tom from his left, giving a little nod of greeting to the actor, before falling in step with him.

“Morning, I-uh I wanted to apologise actually-“Tom was cut off while you hung back off to his right, not wanting to intrude on this conversation.

“No we should. The team were all being slow yesterday, and they were making some hard scenes harder on you. We really appreciate what you are putting yourself through for the sake of the film.”

“But still I acted like a brat and I’m sorry”

“Tom” Anthony spoke up for the first time. He was a man of limited words- but whenever he spoke everyone listened. “ You are one of the best, most-dedicated actors we’ve ever worked with. We’re all overtired, run down and ready for the holidays. You’re missing your family too. It’s already forgotten… So let’s just get on with the movie?” Tom smiled, pressing his lips together to stop their kindness overtaking his emotions. Tom always felt safe with the Russo’s. They’d dealt with him when he really just was a kid actor - overwhelmed and without a clue what was happening. They’d dealt with hiM adjusting to fame and the much bigger part Marvel seemed to want him to play in the future. They trusted him with this, most incredibly complex and also personal film for them. So when they spoke and they said it didn’t matter, Tom was much more likely to agree. Then proceeded the bro-hugs, as the men all showed they were good with each other.

“Well lets make a motherfucking movie!” Tom exclaimed once they broke the hug and the brothers laughed at him. “Oh where-d….” He muttered as he looked round before meeting your eyes, still standing rather awkwardly a couple of meters behind them. “ Joe, Anthony you remember Y/n?” Nodding and smiling the brothers beckoned you over; both greeting you with a warm handshake.

“Good to see you again!” You grinned and the directors responded nodding.

“We didn’t know you were coming! I would’ve made a list of all my doctor question for you.” Joe winked, knowing your pet-peeve was people asking you all their gory body questions as soon as they found out she was a doctor. You didn’t need to know about you dentists acid reflux issue, you didn’t need to know about your granny’s friend’s constipation, and you really really didn’t need to know about an old friends erectile dysfunction.

“Ha ha ha “ You rolled your eyes sarcastically “ and no it was a bit of a spontaneous trip, I just landed last night.” Throughout the whole of the exchange Anthony had taken an aloof stance, just observing you and Tom. Observing the bright smile Tom gave you, even when you were simply making small talk. The way he looked so much healthier, well rested and just happy, in the space of a single evening.

“I’m glad you’re here” Anthony basically interrupted the conversation, addressing you then immediately turning on his heel towards the set.

“Uhh right- get to make up we’ll call a cast meeting in a bit” Joe stammered, giving his brother a funny look before addressing Tom “ and we’ll have to have a proper catch up later.” You nodded in response, as Joe turned and did a half jog to catch up with his brother.

“That was weird!?” You frowned as you looked up at Tom. He explained the encounter in rather simplistic terms.

“That was Anthony.”

The morning was spent with Tom doing what he does best in front of the camera. They were shooting a larger scene for the army section of the movie, with at least 100 actual soldiers as extras, all geared up in full camo outfits. It was impressive, but also gave you a chance to meet Ciara - you’d been dying to meet her since Tom told you what a laugh she was. Fair to say you weren’t disappointed at all, you guys hitting it off instantly and you going as far as giving Ciara some embarrassing Tom stories that she could wind him up with in the future. Of course though, the main attraction was seeing Tom act first hand. Every time it astounded you, even though you knew that face so completely, in all his movies he fully had you believing he was someone else. It was mesmerising and you couldn’t be any prouder.

“You’re amazing! I seriously forgot how good you are!” You ran over as Joe Russo called cut to the end of the morning shoot.

“Well er thanks I guess” Tom furrowed his eyebrows as you wrapped him in a hug. He’d just canned a pretty hard scene and everyone was more than ready for a lunch break. You’s been watching from behind the cameras with Harry the whole time, after Tom gave you permission to sit in his special set chair.

“Seriously I’m very…. “ Her speech broken with an impressive yawn “….very proud of you.” In thanks Tom gave you a kiss first to your nose and then lips.

“I take it someones not adapting to jet lag?” He chuckled as he pulled away and cupped your face in his hands.

“Which I’m totally ashamed about considering I work night shifts… my body clocks supposed to be better than this” Angrily, you vented, frustrated at your own body when all you wanted to do was stays within reaching distance of Tom. Even if Tom had had the best sleep of this whole shoot last night, you’d been to over excited and enthralled just absorbing every little thing about him that you’d missed so much that you’d been wide awake the majority of the night. If you blamed you fatigue on jet lag alone, it would be an impressive lie.

“Go take a nap in my trailer… Harry can you take her?”

“Yes master” Harry bowed down and wobbled his head sarcastically, making you giggle.

“At least this way you get a break from him” You grinned to Tom’s brother, which Harry could only agree with. Giving Tom a parting kiss , you followed Harry away from set. It was at this point that Anthony excused himself from the monitors reviewing the footage, and approached Tom.

“Kid… that was great that scene.”

“Thanks mate, means a lot” Getting his directors approval forever reassured Tom, letting him relax his shoulders a bit as he nodded gratefully to Anthony.

“Well it’s just truth… so your girlfriend, Y/n right?”

“Yeh that’s her” Tom nodded, suddenly a little concerned as to where Anthony was going with this. You had met the Russo’s a number of times, and it never before seemed as though Anthony had an issue with you- at least to Tom’s knowledge.

“Right well um… you know how I don’t really get involved in all this stuff…” Tom nodded, folding his arms apprehensively. “But I just thought I should say that she’s really good for you.” Tom silently breathed a sigh of relief and waited for Anthony to get to the point. “Joe told me you had a rough patch at the beginning of the year so… I don’t know our industry is hard. And harder for you and her in the spotlight… Just seeing you with her today…Don’t be afraid to take the next steps with her…Don’t let her get away.” Tom was stunned to say the least. Anthony is the last person he had ever expected to get relationship advice from.

“I um yeh… I don’t know I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean we’ve been together for 2 and a bit years, well including the break… she means the world to me-“

“Well don’t waste it”

And that was the end of the conversation. Anthony turned to his trailer to get lunch and Tom just stood, replaying the conversation in his head. Weird to say the least.

But it did get the cogs turning. It did get Tom really seriously considering his future. Or rather considering your future together.

And that was for certain. It was you and him, always.

#tom holland #tom holland fluff #tom holland x reader #tomholland #Harry Holland #tom holland x y/n

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