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merakiui · 1 year

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Mera I saw your recent post about noncon jade thoughts, do tell 👀👀👀

👀 there are so many thoughts to share!!

(cw: yandere, nsfw, non-con, female reader, stalking, murder, obsessive behaviors, pregnancy, (for one of the concepts), oviposition, breeding, language barrier (for another concept), jade uses shock the heart on you <3)

✧ Jade who has been stalking cute, oblivious you. You’re so very pregnant, too, and because of that you’re often so focused on everything regarding your and the baby’s health that you fail to notice him. He stalks you, follows you wherever you go, adores watching you waddle about in pretty maternity wear. Even when you don’t intend to look nice or dressed up, you’re still a beautiful vision to him. Unfortunately, Jade’s always wanted a family with you, but you just had to go and get pregnant while he was bogged down with work. It’s upsetting and he’d sooner cut the one responsible for knocking you up into bloody shreds, but he can be patient. He can learn to love your baby even if they’re not his.

So that’s why he watches and waits for the right moment. The right moment to break in and subject your lover to a gruesome death. He knows you’d sleep through the roughest of storms, so he’s rather surprised when he hears your footfalls on the stairs. He’s in the middle of cleaning when you see him, the intruder in your home who's soaked in blood and standing over your lover's corpse. It’s quiet for all of one second and he opens his mouth to say something, but you’re just so beautiful in your nightgown and your bump is so round and filled with child and he’s so envious because this is what he’s always wanted and he’s never been able to have it and… He grabs you before you can run or call for help, silencing your screams with a hand held tightly over your mouth. You struggle, but it’s weak and awkward with your belly in the way. He soothes you with shushes, promising you he won't do anything if you stay quiet, but you're sobbing in his arms, trying and failing to muffle your cries because he told you being noisy won't end well.

Oh, you're more than perfect. You're everything.

Jade guides you back to your bedroom. You don't struggle much, but you're trembling, cradling your belly with shaky hands, and pleading: "Please, please, please... I won't call anyone. I won't do anything. So please don't hurt my baby."

Great Seven, he loves you! You make it so hard for him to hate you, do you know that? He couldn't even if he tried, and he's definitely tried.

Jade doesn't trust you, though, so forgive him when he frightens you, looming over you while he forces you to lie down. He's read up on positions, so depending on how far into your pregnancy you are he'll fuck you in the ones that are most safest and comfortable. He can't help it when your fear and trembly little whimpers make him so hard. And even though he knows he ought to wash the blood off before he does this, he's desperately impatient to have you. He's waited far too long; you must reward him for being good and waiting.

He'll work you open with skilled fingers, absently commenting about how your pussy clings to his fingers, breathlessly enamored at the way pregnancy has softened you. He's only put the second one in and you're already shuddering through an orgasm. You're truly the cutest; oh, how he wishes it had been him who got to knock you up. But it's okay; he can pretend for now. He will when he lays his hands on your belly and sweetly rambles on about how you're such a pretty mama, so good and loving, so perfect for this, so protective of your baby... He won't hurt them; he could never.

You're babbling beneath him, begging him to stop, that you're scared, that you don't want this, that it's all too much and it feels weird and you can't stop speaking in gasps and moans. Jade knows you better than you know yourself; you like this and (one day) you'll like him, too.

He almost cums the minute he slips it in. He's a mess and so sensitive. Normally he can keep his composure, but when you're so slick and tight, your walls enveloping every inch of his cock like they're starved for it, how can he possibly remain prim and perfectly composed? Sex isn't a punishment (not this time) and he's not upset with you and your choice of lovers. You have him now, and he's all you'll ever need going forward. So he's soft and slow, savoring every thrust, relishing in your voice as it wavers between fear and pleasure. He wants to hear his name from your lips; he whispers it between his own grunts: "Please... My love, my darling pearl, please say it..."

And you whine it, whimper it, sob it, say it in every way he likes because now it's the only name you know. Because it's scary to imagine what he might do if you say another man's name.

Jade's the happiest; he feels so whole and fulfilled when he's rutting into you, pressing kisses to every inch of your skin, cradling your rounded tummy and muttering sweet things to the baby: "You're so lucky to have such a wonderful mama... Oh, she's the most darling... I have to do my part to be a wonderful father, too. I'll meet your every expectation. That's a promise."

Now that Jade finally has you, he won't let you go. You're all his, but you already know that. You're far too defenselessly gravid to think about fighting back or escaping. It's better this way. Easier, even. And though he likes a challenge, he'd prefer one where it won't risk your and the baby's safety. After all, he loves you more than he's ever loved anything before. He won't lose you.

✧ Jade who uses Shock the Heart on you.

He's spent so much time wearing you down to a point where his UM will work, so when he catches and corners you you're already so mentally exhausted, so frightened of what he'll do and what he's capable of. His smile sharpens when you make the mistake of looking into his left eye. There are so many questions he wants to ask you, and now that you're under his temporary control he'll scrape the answers out of you.

He asks why you avoid him so much even though he can guess your reasonings well enough. He toys with you for the first few questions; most of them are things he's already well aware of. But it's fun to watch you speak the truth, to see panic reflected in your eyes when you know you're spilling the real reason behind all of your evasive behaviors. Jade suspects you expect him to lash out, but he's not so cruel as to punish you right away.

He needs the build-up.

He makes the mistake of asking who you're fond of, and though you try your hardest to lie your way out it just doesn't work. He's pinned you to the wall now, gripping your throat with a gloved hand. It tightens every now and then to remind you of the hold he has on you, magically and physically. Jade had braced himself for your reply long ago, so if you name a specific student you can be sure they've earned Jade's ire and dislike. He's terribly possessive; you ought to know this, and he tells you so while you shrink under his gaze.

The interrogation is a whirlwind. You're even more exhausted by the end of it, your mind spinning and filled with static. You feel so drained, hollowed of every damning truth you've done well to keep concealed. Jade licks his lips like he's just feasted on your fear and all of the truths you've uttered. It's cute you think this is the end of this exchange.

He has a proposition for you and you'd be wise to agree. He speaks his terms while his fingers dance along the hem of your uniform, teasing the fabric. Maybe he'll tear it from your person. Maybe he'll leave it be. Maybe he'll slide his hand under it to feel what's beneath. You're doing everything you can to avoid him, looking elsewhere and insisting you'll agree if he just lets you go.

He catches your chin between his fingers and forces you to meet his mismatched stare. For good measure, he slots his knee between your legs. He's smiling in spite of the friendly chill in his words.

"It's common courtesy to maintain eye contact when having a conversation. Surely you're not that much of a fool. Oh, but perhaps you are. You broke so easily under my command..."

You try to plead again: "Jade, please..."

But he won't hear any of it. He drags your face to his and seals the distance with a fleeting kiss.

"Per the terms, you're intended to say..." he encourages, digging his fingers into your jaw until it's painful.

You whine. "I... I like you, Jade! I always have!"

"And is that the truth?"

"It is. It is, I swear."

It's not and he knows this. But soon it will be.

It's a shame he can only use Shock the Heart once. He would have liked to hear the revised truth after he's done well to instill it in you.

✧ You save a beached eel merman from drying out, and as thanks he returns on a weekly basis to deliver goods from the deepest parts of the sea.

You can't understand his language, and he can just barely parse yours, struggling through foreign pronunciations. His language is musical and beyond whimsical; you can't decipher it on land, but in the water the sounds are much clearer. It's so pretty, but you have no idea what any of the calls mean. He clicks above the water sometimes, if only to get your attention while you're sorting through the trinkets and treasures he's brought you. For the most part, your bond is built through body language.

He spells a translation of his name in the sand, the letters wobbly: Jade. You spell yours in return and he spends weeks learning how to say it properly. Beyond that, though, neither of you can understand the other's spoken language. So you gesticulate a lot, and Jade understands most of what you try to articulate. You're a very amusing human. He likes to toy with you by bringing back skeletal remains or halves of his meals, bloodied and brutal. Your reactions are immensely pleasing, and he's so intrigued by your species that he continues to come back even after he's repaid his gratitude.

You bring him human things, most of which are things he's never seen or tasted or studied before. Everything you show him is so curious, and he can't help himself when he grows increasingly interested day by day. He keeps his hands to himself, mostly, if only to prevent you from running off. But you remain, even after he's scared you senseless with fish heads and their innards. He feels appreciated when you wait for him by your usual meeting place, and it isn't long before he becomes chained in a lovely habit. You are the current highlight of his life.

But then mating season rolls around, and he's left irritable, his plans put on hold as he suffers through what feels like a never-ending ache. He refuses to let go of the eggs he's made. He'll only do so if it's inside you. He's so adamant about this even though he's in such discomfort. So when he's hit his breaking point and his family encourages (or more so forces him) to meet you, he listens to instinct, tossing reason and logic aside. It doesn't matter if your species aren't compatible; he's determined to make this work. He loves you, he wants you, he needs you!

Jade seems...different when he meets you at your usual spot. His coloration is much brighter than it normally is, and the dark patterns striped across his body stand out starkly against vivid teal. When you reach out to feel his forehead, wondering if this is some sort of mer illness, he flinches and makes a sound you've never heard him make before. It's guttural and abrupt, almost like a growl or a groan. His claws dig into the sand, and his pupils are blown wide.

The pieces click together when he pushes you down onto the ground and drags himself onto the shore, trapping you between sturdy, muscled arms. He's heavy when he drapes himself on you, and you struggle beneath him, frantically asking what's gotten into him and if he's okay. He smiles at you; it's a shaky smile, and he looks at you like you're just what he needs to breathe. You're not sure what to make of this, but your situation only becomes much more harrowing when sharp, dangerous claws tear your clothes from your skin, shredding your panties in a haste. You shake your head hurriedly, but none of your words register. He can't understand you, and if he understands your body language he chooses not to listen.

He's saying something in mermish, but nothing makes any sense. You're certain none of it is any good, not when he reaches to cradle your cheek with a webbed hand, rubbing his claw along your jaw. The gesture feels fond, as if he's your lover, but you don't want that. You want him to let you go. And he keeps clicking at you, smiling sweetly, drunkenly, his front pressed to yours. He fumbles with your anatomy, feeling you all over and squeezing curiously in certain areas. Even the slightest reaction, such as a hitched breath or a gasp or even a whimper, has him zeroing in on the exact space that prompted that sound. You grasp at his shoulders, begging him to stop, but he silences your pleas with a kiss that's wet and sloppy, all tongue and saliva. You feel gross in the aftermath, breathless and horribly hot, and your throat tingles with a foreign heat. You think his saliva is responsible for your sudden bodily change, your every nerve alight with a growing need.

But that becomes the least of your concerns when you spy his slit, slick with a substance you've never seen any humans produce before, and horror dawns on you when his prehensile cock slides out. You thrash beneath him, horrified and scared and panicked. Something akin to sadness flashes across his countenance and he babbles at you in a series of fast, high clicks. You stare helplessly at him, mouth agape in horror.

He looks back with a wide-eyed stare and slowly parts his mouth in response. You don't understand the gesture.

"Mine..." he grinds out. "Mine to...mate." He rests his hand on your stomach and nods, and in three poorly pronounced words he's conveyed more than enough.

You shake your head at him, but he's so focused on spreading your pussy open. Despite his claws, monstrous and cold, he's delicate when he handles you with mute intrigue. You think he isn't intending to hurt you with his prodding, but then with the heat building in your core it feels so tantalizingly good.

He rocks his hips against you, and that strange cock slips between your folds. You don't have time to brace yourself for the stretch when he pushes inside, easing past rings of tight muscle, and you throw your head back against the sand, your cries strangled with moans. He clicks at you, but it's garbled with his own soft gasps. Briefly, you wonder if this is his first time.

He fucks into you like it's the last time he'll ever get to, his tail wrapping between your legs. By the time your first orgasm washes over you, you've already ceased struggling, too boneless to offer any resistance when your thoughts are compromised and your entire body screams to be fucked thoroughly. You don't think twice when he shivers against you, filling you with something slick. It's not very viscous, but it also doesn't feel like semen. You try to ask him what it is, but he doesn't understand. You're not sure you understand yourself either, what with all of the mindless filth you're babbling.

But then a second, much larger cock joins the first inside and if you weren't full before you definitely feel it now. You open your mouth to protest, but he captures it in a long, passionate smooch that quite literally steals your breath. You're whining into his mouth, loud and reedy just as something small and gelatinous passes through, settling deep in your womb. There's a second that follows and then a third, fourth, and fifth; and soon you've lost count just how long you've spent laid out on the beach, plastered to the ground like a beached whale, while the eel mer above you stays pinned to you. It didn't take you long to realize the little pudgy orbs are eggs, each one taking up residence in your packed womb until you're fit to burst. You lift your head from the sand to peer at your belly in the aftermath, a great round thing, bloated as if you've just eaten your fill and much more.

Jade is all over you, fondling and petting, beaming so proudly despite how obviously exhausted he looks. He's clicking again and this time you think you can understand the general gist of what he's saying: You did so well. Good job. But maybe his words are more fond than that. Maybe there's more romance to his speech when he looks at you like you're the most precious being in his universe (and you are, but no words from your or his lexicon could ever truly explain that). You're not sure if your guess is right, but you do know that this isn't the end. If anything, it's the beginning.

Together, you'll build a beautiful family. Your fry will want for nothing; Jade will do all he can to ensure that you'll carry to term and that the surviving little ones live healthy lives, and you'll be by his side, forever and always, his precious mate.

#twisted chit chat #yandere twst #n/sfw #tw: noncon #tw: oviposition #i promise i'm normal about jade leech #he can shock my heart any time <3

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sage-lights · 6 months

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today's been a hard day scrolling through smoshblr, and i need to ask y'all honestly how to navigate it all. i'm gonna bullet point my thoughts.

dani saying that she was not valued at her most recent job (which is smosh because her linkedin says she left march 2024) because her mentors/superiors were eager to help her grow until her growth became a threat. so she faced an unpleasant and unsupportive work environment at smosh, a common phenomenon faced by plenty of black women and other woc in entertainment and in LA (source here)

kimmy announced she officially isn't a part of smosh anymore. didn't want to "spill tea" (which dani didn't intend to either, they just both want to be transparent about career changes). kimmy is also a woc who moved from cast to crew, despite still expressing that she wanted to be on camera. curious, huh?

today's smosh games video with noah and olivia. noah has been talked about quite a bit on smoshblr already for his zionist views. (source here)

learned olivia posted a pro-israel story back in oct, but i read the replies on the post and it says that she also has posted about a ceasefire in gaza, but i haven't seen screenshots of it yet (not saying that it's like "pics or it didn't happen" though). reading through the replies say that tommy and amanda (oof, this one hurts) also posted similar things on oct 7. hoping they've educated themselves and understand why we need to continue calling for a ceasefire and supporting palestine to end the genocide in gaza. (source here)

olivia parked in a handicap spot and claimed she didn't know? i didn't watch the who meme'd it when it was uploaded, but it caused many fans to be upset at olivia for it. (source here)

damien, angela, and mallory are the only three i've seen say anything in support of palestine. damien said talked about it on twitch, angela tweeted about it, and mallory posted stories about aaron bushnell. (if anyone has the screenshots/sources, please leave them in the replies!)

i need to clearly state that i don't mean to bring any of this up as a way to bash smosh. as this blog will tell you, i'm a huge fan and have been for almost a decade. but with every passing day, it honestly becomes harder and harder to stay a fan. yet, it's equally as hard to let go of something that has provided me so much comfort (and probably saved me many times over).

where do we as a community go from here? guess i'm just feeling a little lost right now.

again, none of this is meant to be hateful towards anyone. especially because we don't know who they are in their real lives. we only see their public personas.

and to anyone who is confused as to why we as fans should hold smosh accountable for these instances, they are a company with a massive following. they have influence and the things they say and bring attention to reached millions of people. but beyond that, there are people involved. people getting the short end of the stick, getting hurt, for the benefit of a few.

i hope this all made sense. and wow, it's a long ass post. as always, i really appreciate the other blogs on here for being willing to talk about these things. it makes me feel much less alone in my confusion.

please keep all discussions peaceful. absolutely no hate towards anyone will be tolerated.

#smosh games #smosh pit #smosh mouth #amanda lehan canto #angela giarratana #shayne topp #courtney miller #chanse mccrary #arasha lalani #ian hecox #anthony padilla #damien haas #spencer agnew #tommy bowe #trevor evarts #free palestine #smosh

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flkwh0re · 5 months

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Casual - The Continuation

Warnings: Fluffy!!, Maybe slightly angsty?, Not a whole lot of warnings but this has no smut!

Word count: 1k (literally three words from 1.1k 😭)

Authors Note: Pretty sure this is like the first fic i’m posting here without smut, LOLLL. This has taken too long for me to get out but I felt randomly motivated to write it so enjoy! I listen to Snow Angel two times while writing this. 😭😭(There with be an alternative ending for this)

Tags: @mrsrushman @sgm616 @nikkinss

First part

It had been a few weeks since that night with Natasha, and to no one's surprise she had made no contact. Not with anyone. You tried reaching out every single way that was possible, but before you had gotten the chance all way were unavailable to you.

You had spent most days and nights with Wanda, you couldn't stand being alone. The moment Wanda was gone all thoughts had consumed you, eating away at your emotional state.

A knock came to the door, anytime there was one you would scurry to the door to check if it was Nat. Hoping she'd have shown to apologize, to tell you how she really felt. The person behind the door though was a girl you had only met a few times. Yelena Belova.

Yelena was Nat's sister, you only new this because of the few times Natasha had mentioned her family to you. One of the many reasons you thought she was in love with you, who discusses their family with someone they're supposed to only have a casual relationship with?

"Hi? Yelena right?" You asked, trying to make it seem like you haven't previously spent the past few weeks stalking her instagram for some news on Natasha. "Yea, hey. My sister said she had some stuff here, asked me to grab it."

The strength it took to fight back the tears that welled in your tear ducts was almost impossible. "Yea, come in. I'll go grab it."

You led Yelena into your apartment and told her to wait in the living room part of your place. As you wondered off down the hall, you let the tears slip. Why did she have to send her sister?? She wasn't woman enough to face you? After SHE broke YOUR heart? You weren't sure if the tears were tears out of anger or out of sadness.

What you hadn't known was that Natasha was too facing the worst, if not worse than how you were. She could barley leave her bed, rarely ate anything. She had asked Yelena to retrieve her stuff, not because she wanted it back but because she feared it was just in your way.

The lack of clarity between the two of you was what was tearing you two apart even more. Natasha feared you now hated her, and you thought Natasha had played with your heart.

You returned to the living room to find Yelena looking at a collection of pictures. They were polaroids taken by Wanda of you, and all your other shared friends. One of the pictures showed you and Nat, your arms wrapped tightly around her neck as you at on her lap. Natasha's hand rested on your thigh, and the widest grin plastered on her face.

"What happened between you two?" Yelena questioned, offering you a sympathetic look as she saw the tears stained to your reddened face and puffy eyes. "I thought we had more, clearly we didn't. I mistook her false overbearing love for me as real love." You mumbled out past your sobs that you held back.

"Mistook? Natasha does love you. She's talked about you, a whole lot. She's not left her room barely in weeks." You facial expression contorted into a look of shock, confusion, and worry.

"She hasn't tried to even talk to me, how could she be so upset?" It came out harsher than you intended and immediately apologized. Yelena understood your attitude, and offered to take you to Nats place. You were hesitant at first, but she insisted that she could convince her sister to talk to you.

The drive to Natasha's was awkward, which only made your anxiety worse. The skin around you nails had been picked away, alone with the skin on your lips. It was a short drive, but enough to ready yourself.

Yelena unlocked the door of Nat's apartment, silently leading you in just incase Natasha was to appear. Yelena left you to stand in the hallway while she took Nat's stuff in. You tried listening into what Natasha had to say, but her voice was so horse from her crying.

Finally Yelena spoke up about Natasha finally speaking to you, which Nat quickly denied. "Yelena I cannot speak to her, she probably hates me guts. I can't handle anymore of this situation." Yelena gave into her own feelings, "Natasha stop it! You're acting as if this whole time she did something to you! You shatter that poor girls heart by closing yourself off to her."

Natasha stared at her sister, realization came crashing into her mind. She felt so stupid, so very stupid. After a moment of silence Natasha finally spoke up, "I need to talk to her." Yelena nodded, "Lucky for you I brought her with me." Natasha's eyes widened.

"Let me go get her, I'll have her come in and talk to you." Yelena quickly turned the corner, motioning you to follow. You entered Nat's room, clothes strung on the floor. Bottles upon bottles on her nightstand.

"Sorry for the mess." She muttered in shame, you dismissed her apologies. "I am so sorry, I know that's not enough. I- I should've.. been honest. I shouldn't have ran from you. I love you, I love you so much. I was just so scared of committing to a relationship, I was scared of getting hurt."

"It's okay Nat, but you know that I would never ever, hurt you." You wrapped your arms around her, her head resting on your stomach and tears clinging to the fabric of your shirt. "I know, I'm so sorry. I understand if you hate me, I do. I just need you to know I'm so sorry."

"I don't hate you, I could never hate you. I love you Nat, I love you so much. I wanna start over, I wanna forget all the hookups. I wanna start a fresh new relationship with you, okay?" Natasha nodded, "Okay." Smiles grew on both of your faces. "You better hope Wanda doesn't beat the shit out of you." You both chuckled, "That girl couldn't lay a finger on me." You both laughed even harder.

Nat pulled you down onto her bed, her arms wrapping around your body. Her scent and warmth swarmed you, something you missed crazily. "Wait we should tell Yelena." As soon as the words left your lips, Natasha's phone lit up with a message from Yelena saying, "Bye".

You and the russian burst out into laughter, then shared a soft kiss full of love and passion. You'd finally be able to be happy with Natasha.

Masterlist

#natasha romanoff #natasha fanfic #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha marvel #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff fluff #natasha romanoff x reader angst #natasha romanoff x female reader #natasha romanoff x you

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batrogers · 1 month

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Okay, fine, revisiting my “Time has PTSD” arguments in light of the most recent updates.

I’ve previously analyzed the question of Time’s reaction to the letter in Dawn pt. 9 here, and established my baseline that – what we do know about Time’s backstory strongly implies that there has been conflict in his Hyrule post-Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask which may have predisposed him to have strong, negative reactions to recent events like Twilight’s injury. I also did a revisit of that in the first part of Moving Forward, where Wild and the others were playing and Time seemed disconnected and out of it.

After the past few updates, I admit it’s striking to me that we’ve now gotten three sets of double-panel reactions where Time is blank for several seconds before actually displaying an emotional response (if he does at all.) It’s a really interesting choice on Jojo’s part.

This is literally every update except for “Enter...” since Dawn pt 9 (an update in which nobody talks at all.) Ever since the letter, Time has had a marked lack of response to the others. He’s reserved; he’s pulled back from treating them as comrades but he’s also retreated from giving orders. I noted in my last analysis that it looked like Time was calling the shots – but he’s not actually continued doing that. Once they set out, it seems like he’s just.... stopped.

Stopped engaging with them, and stopped reacting until something drastic (like the skultula, or bewilderment about the Epona comment) forces him to react, as happened with the likelike ages back.

A brief repeat of my prior analysis: while it’s been three years for us, between the last time Time smiled (when Sky asked him about Malon in ‘Miss Her’) to now, in-comic it has been maybe a few days, depending on how long Twilight took to recover. In that time, they battled Dink (who they don’t yet understand) Twilight ran off alone, showed back up and was taken out in seconds. Time made the split-second decision to save Twilight rather than battle an iron knuckle ala his era, and now we’re here.

Something I noticed on revisiting analysis is that we have seen Time get upset and off-balance before: when Wind began asking him about the Hero’s Legacy as well. Some of what people say when they analyze Time & Twilight stuff is how Time acts towards Twilight, as his son/descendent – but Wind is, in a sense, also Time’s successor and he reacted much the same way to him, too. Notably, Twilight in the midst of his injuries explicitly states some of his stubbornness is about his feelings about said legacy – both when he refuses to rest in the immediate, and while delirious in bed.

Whatever Time’s own burdens, Twilight very well may have actively made Time worse without realizing it. Knowing that someone looks up to you and has pushed himself to nearly dying would upset anyone, nevermind someone who possibly has been a commander (and, therefore, responsible for other people's safety) before too.

The tension of the Chain struggling to to sort themselves out in the dungeon is not helping, although I don't think everyone is oblivious to it. Warriors attempted to reassure him when they discussed the Iron Knuckle's survival, and they do still defer to him (Sky looks for his approval before entering the portal) even if they don't let his bad mood ruin theirs. (eg. Despite his scolding over the skultula, Entrance pt 2 is a playful scene.)

Time was not always like this. He’s playful, teasing the others and showing off his masks; he’s not nosy or controlling– he lets Legend refuse to explain his hair – but not entirely closed off, ala Sky asking him about Malon. I don’t think Jojo intends him to be a grumpy no-fun asshole (she drew this dayglo nonsense in the middle of Twilight taking forever to die), so I wonder.

What is the reason for his stress? And where is Jojo going with it? I’m deeply curious to see how the dungeon is going to play out, when someone who should be among their strongest members is so compromised. I don't think it's gone unnoticed, and my prediction (and, tbh, hope because I like the dynamic) is that Warriors may step in and try to get Time to calm down...

But mostly I wrote this to reiterate my feelings: I don't think this is "a bad mood." Time is legitimately upset, possibly triggered, and I am very sure -- as much as Twilight may have caused it -- it's not just about him.

(And, let me repeat bc I'm sure someone will try to take this and run with it: Twilight is not responsible for this.

He is not guilty in any way with respect to Time's trauma or subsequent behaviour; there's no way he could've known this would happen. I hope if it does keep coming up someone steps between them to cut it off... but acting like Twilight did nothing to set this off downplays how the group dynamic affects everyone and has the potential to cause conflict all on its own.

It's ten times more interesting to see that Time is reacting to something Twilight actually did, than some nebulous attachment to an idea of "family" that overrules sense, reason, or having met each other literally days or weeks ago at best.)

#Linked Universe #LU Time #LU meta #LU analysis #Linked Universe analysis #my writing #don't mind me #This makes three posts on this subject now??#Y'all are welcome I guess #LU Time has PTSD #I stg if y'all make me write Twilight analysis I will bite you /jk

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myfairstarlight · 3 months

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To Have and to Hold - Penelope and Colin's journey to self-love

Companion piece - or one might say part 2 - of An Ode to Friends to Lovers.

Goddammit this was not supposed to be or take this long.

Ahum. Some time has passed, and after sorting through all my thoughts and feelings, here it finally is, my endless ramblings about two friends in love, but not only.

If anyone asks, no I did not take this long to write this post because of the fact that when taking screenshots to illustrate some parts of this analysis I ended up rewatching whole episodes instead.

So, dearest gentle readers, here's my Bridgerton s3 review, with focus on part 2, but looking at the season as a whole too; the highlights, the let downs, and polin's full love story, let's dive in, shall we?

The one thing I really liked about s3, something the other seasons could not do, is how so much is structured around parallels and callbacks to previous seasons, in the narration and in the visuals, for both Penelope and Colin. It is the advantage of having a main couple who's been here from the start, and with them, many other characters get weaved into their story, more particularly in part 2. I think that's why I personally did not mind the fact we did not get flashback sequences, unlike previous seasons (although I would have loved to see baby Colin and Penelope meeting... perhaps with Edmund and Violet watching them play and noting how they were childhood friends as well...) And what can I say? I'm a sucker for parallels as someone who loves to look at the details and perhaps overthink things.

So before we tackle Penelope and Colin individually and as a pair, let's talk about:

Eloise's love for Penelope

Eloise ends up being the catalyst for this second part, when she was mostly an observer in part 1. In many ways, she parallels Colin. Childhood friends with Penelope, betrayed by the Whistledown reveal, and yet still caring and protecting Penelope in her own way, which also paralleled Colin. And because I can, here's a small list:

Eloise distracting Cressida so she does not bully Penelope (s3e1) / Colin refusing a dance with Cressida to dance with Pen instead (s1e1)

Eloise running after her at the Four Seasons ball after accidentally revealing her and Colin's secret / Colin running after Penelope at the ball in s3e1

Colin visiting Penelope to apologise for his comment last season and offering the lessons to help her find a husband / Eloise visiting her to apologise and wish her the best in her endeavour to find a husband

Colin leaving to travel and find himself at the end of previous seasons but staying now / Eloise now travelling to Scotland to find herself

Now that we have the whole season, you can tell that in part 1, she foreshadowed how Colin would react in part 2, he just goes through her whole journey in a lot less time. See the direct parallel at the beginning of e5 as Eloise yells at Penelope and storms out, then Colin swoops in and comforts her, and then the end of e7, where Colin is the one upset with Penelope and after he storms out, Eloise is there, hugging her best friend and telling her everything will be alright.

When one is absent, the other is there for Penelope, because despite everything they love her and they know that through the years, Penelope has loved and supported them as well, even if she was still hiding this big part of her. Penelope makes Eloise feel listened to, and makes Colin feel seen. She was their safe space as much as they were hers.

Eloise is also the very reason Colin learning about Whistledown goes so wrong. She is the one pressuring Penelope to tell him, and also the one who eventually tells her to never tell him the truth when Cressida comes forward and claims to be Whistledown. Yes, Penelope is definitely still at fault as well for taking so long to tell him, but to her credit she did intend on telling him after publishing one last column discrediting Cressida, before being convinced to give it up by Eloise. And then when Cressida manages to publish something, and Eloise is terrified about what it means considering she just broke off their friendship, it is to protect Eloise from her ire that Penelope takes her quill again and sneaks out to publish, which leads to Colin finding out.

Then comes her scene with Colin as he asks his sister how long she's known, where all the parallels come through.

"Have you already forgiven her?"

"I want to. Do you think you can?"

Colin goes on to say Eloise is lucky that she's never been in love, implying that his love for Penelope makes it that much harder to forgive. However, he fails to understand that Eloise is in love as well, perhaps not in the romantic sense, but she is, or she would not have been this distraught for a year over her falling out with Penelope, and yet always somewhat keeping an eye on her. And just like how eventually, as push comes to shove, she finds her way back to Penelope, Colin will do much the same as a looming threat comes their way.

She and Colin are also similar in their insecurity regarding Penelope's love for them, and in turn Penelope spends a good length of the season reassuring them. She constantly tells Colin she loves him, especially after the reveal so he knows that this part of her was never deceiving. She reassures Eloise that their friendship is just as important as her love for Colin and she doesn't want to lose either of them.

The fascinating thing for me about Eloise when taking into account Polin, is that in part 1 they needed her to be away so Colin and Penelope could spend more time together uninterrupted, leading to Colin realising his feelings. This also applies to season 2 actually! While Eloise was in the hunt for LW and distracted by Theo, that's what allowed Colin and Penelope to have a full proper conversation about their purpose, and I'd argue that the moment Penelope said "my purpose shall set me free", something started to shift in their relationship.

In part 2, without Eloise, I wonder if they would have even been able to come together without any more secret between them, if she hadn't been the one to push Penelope to tell the truth, and then the one to support her while Colin was processing his own feelings.

Penelope's ambitions and womanhood

Penelope's journey to self-confidence continues in part 2, this time in regards to Whistledown as she finally accepts her as a part of her, rather than a mask to hide behind. Enters Genevieve Delacroix, the only character in this show who knows what it means to be a woman with a business. It is no coincidence her scene in e6 comes after Portia's talk of "ladies do not have dreams" and after Eloise convinced Penelope to give up Whistledown, because it is just gossip. She directly opposes them.

In part 1, she helped Penelope be more confident by providing her with a new wardrobe that fits her better, and in part 2, Gen is the very reason Penelope learns to be proud of Whistledown, own up to the mistakes, and yet fully claim her as her.

And then, the final nail in the coffin to me: Cressida, in a red "revenge" dress, shows up at the Mondrich ball, and wields the Whistledown name as Confident by Demi Lovato plays in the background. Cressida stands tall and proud despite the whispers, and I think a part of Penelope truly broke then. If Cressida could exhume such confidence for a body of work which is not even hers, then why can't Penelope be proud of what she's accomplished? This past week has been killing her, she admits it to Gen the eve of her wedding, Colin was a great distraction but giving up Whistledown, putting down her quill, it truly hurt her, and a part of her cannot imagine giving it up again. And so Gen gives her the very advice she needed to hear.

"There is no such thing as true love without embracing your true self."

And look at the contrast before vs after her talk with Gen:

Colin, of course, shares Eloise's point of view, Penelope should just give it up, and to be fair, he's more scared for her safety, since he caught her alone in the street at night, and then the Queen just threatened the family again. But Penelope cannot stand for that anymore, she is tired of running and hiding. That is Penelope having the confidence to truly be herself. By the end of e7, she's fully bloomed into the woman she's always been behind her quill. The irony being that Colin was also the one who helped her embrace that in part 1, as he helped her bring out that part of her that he's always been privileged to.

And in e8, we see her take the reins. Do what must be done to protect the ones she cares about.

So let's talk about Portia now, because she may not have a business per se, but she had to essentially become "the man of the house" to keep her daughters safe and the fortune they have intact. I've seen people say her redemption came out of nowhere but I concur that in part 1, as Penelope's confidence starts to grow and she stands up to her family, Portia is already trying to be a better, supportive mother, and in turn, Prudence and Philippa follow her lead. Portia is a practical woman, not a sentimental one, at least she doesn't let herself be, that we have seen since the beginning of the show, that's why she was reprimanding Penelope for being reckless with her reputation by asking for Colin's help, and then was pushing for the match with Debling, because he was a lord, who could offer stability, and who would be away most of the time, leaving the managing of his estate to his wife, to Portia that is (or rather, was) the ideal life a woman can achieve.

I loved that they had Portia learn about Whistledown before the public reveal, because then she has to truly face the fact that she has overlooked Penelope all this time, the daughter who is most like her, and Portia is also the only one who points out that Penelope has written badly about herself. It forces Penelope to face the fact that in many ways, she truly is her mother's daughter as well.

Portia ends up being the driving force behind Penelope's decision to reveal herself as well, I believe. Because we joke about how Penelope hid so much money in the floor boards while her family was going broke but mind you, she had no idea they were having money problems, because Portia tried to hide it to not worry them, the same way Penelope has kept her Whistledown secret in the misguided belief that it was for the better, that she could handle the weight of it all on her own. By revealing herself to the Queen, she could free Colin from her mess, get away from Cressida's blackmail and, if the Queen doesn't behead her, she can save her family's title thanks to her writing and money.

Portia's and Penelope's mending relationship was the highlight of the season for me, the true redemption I wanted to see and am glad I got. And I want to point out a little sweet moment in the last episode:

After the Whistledown reveal, as Portia comes over to praise her daughter, she notices Colin looking in their direction. I personally believe Penelope told her about the annulment, and this is her way to support her before she sends her off to have that conversation with Colin. Portia, who's never been the affectionate mother before, gently caresses her cheek and calls her "My girl", because no matter the outcome she will always remain her little girl.

The beautiful thing about Penelope's ambitions is that they were driven by the women in her life, that's one strength of this season to me. She was inspired by Eloise's strong opinions she so readily shared, Portia's sometimes ruthless ways in the way she protects her family and herself, and Genevieve's smart business endeavours and passion. And so she cannot, won't give that up for a society who is so unfair to women, ironically because the Queen herself is so harsh on debutantes. And isn't it poetic cinema that she ends up revealing herself, in her own terms, during the very ball she fully funded? And after that, it is Philippa, her family she mended things with, who saves her from embarrassment by releasing the butterflies? And then the very same Philippa who during the epilogue, happily declares that her daughter can grow into a successful writer who might not need a husband, just like her little sister?

Side note again but it is also interesting that in contrast we had the Mondrich subplot, wherein Will has to let go of his bar to be accepted in high society (and he's clearly not happy about it), because the London elites do not work, yet here Penelope is, owning a business approved by the Queen.

Penelope's ambitions, in turn, inspire others. Portia, into allowing herself to be soft, Prudence to be more honest (the pregnancy hormones probably helped too), Philippa to readily consider other paths in life, and Eloise into finally doing something and discover a little bit of the world.

And she inspires another Bridgerton as well.

Penelope's bravery and Colin's envy

The thing about Penelope and Colin, and that has been said before, is that their roles are reversed. In romance shows such as these, the man is usually the one with a hard exterior, with secrets he wishes to keep to himself while the woman is the one who encourages him to open up by loving him. That is literally s1 with Simon and Daphne. And even in some ways, it is also Anthony and Kate, the difference being that Kate was not trying to get Anthony to soften up, she was directly confronting him so he fixes his shit himself (I still have beef with Anthony, good for him for becoming a My Wife guy in s3 but man, the journey there was tough).

Anyway. With Penelope and Colin? Penelope is the one with the secrets, who wishes, at first, for a practical match so she may gain her freedom. Colin is the soft-hearted and romantic one, who although offers the lessons, keeps asking her if she likes any of the suitors she talks to. And then, it shifts again. Not in the literal sense, Colin has no secret after he's dropped his rake façade, but he does become a bit colder after the Whistledown reveal, while Penelope becomes the one reassuring him she loves him, and emphasising their emotional bond after she's gained the confidence to do so and accepted that a love match was still in the cards for her. But now, they must overcome Whistledown, the last obstacle she's been hiding behind.

"Well, if she was hiding behind Whistledown, how come Colin calls her brave even before the reveal?"

Well, I'm glad you asked, imaginary person in my head! Let's dial back a bit again.

I am a firm believer that Colin's envy towards Penelope (and him realising his romantic feelings) actually started back in s2, during their talk about purpose. She was the one leading the conversation then, who knew what her purpose would be, and to him, that is bravery, being true to oneself and knowing your place. And we see how in s3 part 1, Colin resorts to adopting a whole new persona, something Penelope does not do, even after changing her entire wardrobe and facing the Ton's eyes, she remains herself (and she is capable of acting! She effortlessly disguises herself as a maid and fakes an accent when delivering the Whistledown papers), and I think Colin noticed that. She has a new dress, and her hair looks different, but she's still Pen, meanwhile he, on the other hand, is pretending to be someone else. And when the scandal about the lessons came out, Penelope still showed her face when people were still preoccupied by the scandal. Debling says it best:

"Well done."

"For being a fool?"

"For stepping away from the herd, even though you risked becoming a target."

Penelope's bravery and honesty are the very reason Debling is interested in her, rather than in Cressida; she knows who she is, and what she likes (whereas Cressida adapts). Sure, he was not looking for a love match, but he was looking for authenticity, which Penelope always had. Because she's terrible at hiding her identity, actually. Eloise guesses it's her after listening to her once! Penelope has never hidden how much she likes gossip. In s2e1 she admits it outright that being a wallflower allows her to hear everything.

Colin rereads her letters and realises, wait, she really is Whistledown, she writes the same way, and although he had mixed feelings about Whistledown, he described her as clever, a quality he's always associated with Penelope as well. She says shit like "it would have been suspicious if she hadn't written about this scandal"... like that girl is not good at hiding herself actually, has never been, it's just that no one really paid her any notice and she was not put into the spotlight until now. I think a part of her unconsciously wanted them to connect the dots because the loneliness was getting to her but she was still scared to own up to it, so she continued to lie.

She's always been true to herself to some degree though, which is its own form of bravery, but she's never had the courage to ask for what she wanted before Colin helped her build her confidence. Colin, on the other hand, may be dense and oblivious, but when he wants something, he is not shy about it, and can even be a bit too impulsive. He's the one who always seeks her out and always tries to protect her and make her happy.

In part 2, as Penelope truly embraces all of herself, just like Colin is learning to be more vulnerable and let go of his ego, the dynamic between them shifts. He's the man, but she got the power.

It started when she gathered the courage to ask for that first kiss, which changed everything, and it solidified when she is the one who seeks Colin at their wedding breakfast. In that instant, he's the wallflower, and she's the one pulling him into the centre and dance in broad daylight.

And this translates in the bedroom too as she goes from following his lead to riding his d-

Ahum, who said that? Anyway, topic at hand. As the dynamic shifts, as Penelope learns to truly be herself and Colin learns the truth, that is when his envy and lack of direction in his own life become too much, and he cannot avoid it anymore. Because he thought he had found his purpose at last, be Penelope's husband, take care of her, provide for her, be the head of their family. But now he learns she's been living a dangerous double life this whole time, that she "mocked" him at the beginning of the season, and she might not even need him to protect her as much as he thought she did because she has money and a prolific career despite being a young lady with minimal agency.

And he had already been struggling before the reveal. In all of part 1, he was grappling with his sense of self, realising that pretending was not worth it if he felt empty and if it meant losing Penelope in the process as well. And in part 2, we already saw him struggling with his writing, only able to write again after Penelope tells him she's loved him for years. And then, he refuses Penelope's help to edit his journals into a book because he wants to prove to himself and to her that he could do it on his own. That he is worthy of her love.

Also note that at that point, Penelope had given up on Whistledown, and wanted to live through him by editing for him as well. Just before, we had the scene where she burned her old Whistledown issues at the same time as Colin was writing, suddenly overcome with inspiration (in this regard, I like that the show ends up allowing Penelope to keep the column and still help Colin with his book, rather than her giving up LW like in the book, where she lives vicariously through him. I know she eventually becomes a romance author in the books, and I hope she also reaches that point in the show, but it is nice she does not have to give up her pen first, you know?)

So when Colin learns she's been a published writer this whole time while he was struggling to find a purpose? Penelope started Whistledown in her first year out after all, at the exact same time, Colin wanted to prove to his family that he can be taken seriously, leading to his disastrous betrothal that season. He had needed to travel to find himself, and even then, it didn't give him the answers he was seeking, and no one was taking his newfound experiences seriously, except Penelope. He's a third son, neither the Viscount, neither the spare, so he had nothing to himself. But Penelope is much in the same situation, a third daughter, from a family less fortunate that his, and yet she has accomplished more than he has. He was already so insecure about his love being unrequited but now that he knows she does not even need to rely on him for financial stability and security? Let's dive more into that, shall we?

Colin's self-worth and ambitions

I've seen a lot of people lament the fact that Colin does not feel as much of a protagonist as Penelope, and while I agree to some degree, such argument fails to take into account the fact that he is the reason the season exists in the first place, not just on a meta level because he's a Bridgerton, but because every action he takes progresses the story. Colin is the driving force of the narrative, while Penelope is the heart of it because he loves her.

He offers the lessons to make up for his comment last season, leading to Penelope gaining in confidence. He interrupts Debling's imminent proposal and chases Penelope's carriage, leading to the engagement. He confronts Portia, leading to her re-evaluating the way she treats her daughters and the Featheringtons mending their relationship. He confronts Eloise and reminds her how obsessed she used to be with Penelope, leading to the reconciliation between the two. He follows Penelope out of worry and learns about Whistledown. When the blackmail happens, he confronts Cressida, this time things get worse (his infamous impulsiveness biting him in the ass once more), but it is still furthering the narrative, leading to Penelope taking things into her own hands and revealing herself in her own terms.

His actions are loud, however his internal growth is much more subtle and we get less scenes of him alone compared to Penelope. And that, I agree, is a weakness of this season. I mean, he spends barely 1/8 of the season upset at Penelope, when people act like he was for half the season. If you watch from the start instead of just looking at part 2, Polin have a lot more happy and cute scenes than angsty ones. Hell! They have more kisses than saphne and kanthony in their own seasons combined, I bet (I didn't count, truth be told, but since they get together halfway through the season, as opposed to in the later half, and had their first kiss in episode 2, I think it's a safe bet to make) (Edit from Star from the future here: so I admit I was wrong. Simon and Daphne have definitely more kisses because they had so many intimacy scenes upon rewatch. I just forgot about them, my bad (mostly, I tend to block out That Scene too, so). Anthony and Kate, on the other hand, were robbed. It's kinda funny Bridgerton built a reputation to be quite spicy, only for none of the seasons after s1 matching the same level lol). I also do feel like a few flashback scenes of him during his travels, waiting for Penelope's letters but getting none as he starts to act like a rake to compensate for the loneliness, contrasted with the lesson scenes in part 1 where he is carefree and silly with Penelope could have benefited his character. I personally do not think he was treated as a "love interest", he carries the season just as much as Penelope, but his emotional weight is lesser than hers, and that was an issue with the writing and pacing.

So here, I must redirect to my other Colin analysis post, as well as this one comparing book vs show portrayal, and though those were unorganised immediate thoughts after watching the show (and vague memories of the book), I still mostly stand by them and so I can also avoid repeating what I've already written.

Colin's insecurity regarding love is a direct result of s1 and, once again, Marina. The parallels between Marina and Penelope are kinda in your face, especially with Colin dropping the entrapment line.

Side note but between Anthony and Colin trying to get with a family member of their future wives first, I sure hope we won't learn Sophie is related to Lady Tilly Arnold or something because otherwise there's a pattern within the ABC bros.

Another thing is that when Marina's lie was revealed, she admits everything else was a lie as well, including her love for him. He was a means to an end, and there's no reason to pretend anymore. But with Penelope? She still tells him she loves him after the fact, and several times after that. Note that, just like with Marina, he learns of the Big Secret while they're engaged. Just like for Marina, he could just walk away now, Penelope even asks him if he wishes to cry off, but he doesn't.

Colin and emotional intimacy

I already made a post about this, but I will reiterate some points anyhow this time, because I need to make some comparisons with Book!Colin, since I've seen a lot of people be upset that unlike his book counterpart, Show!Colin is not physically affectionate with Penelope while still angry at her. So to address this, let's talk about his journals. It is no coincidence that instead of beautiful descriptions of places he's visited, in the show Penelope reads about his experiences with the "women in Paris" and how empty they make him feel. In the book, Colin is older, he is a rake and very much enjoys ladies' company, but in the show, he's only pretending to be one. It's one change they made I liked, to make him different from Anthony and Benedict (when in the books, all these men sorta blend together if I have to be honest). He's the sweet, sensitive brother, who seeks emotional and physical intimacy. Sure, he has experiences, especially after being mocked for being too green, but they felt like obligations, rather than acts of passion (Benedict) or distractions (Anthony). It is also significant that every time someone asks him about his experiences in part 1, he only ever talks about one contessa and never brings up other women, unlike in his journals where, of course, he goes into more details, knowing no one can judge him there.

And then Penelope reads those words, the depths of his mind and his insecurity, and yet she praises him for his writing, rather than mock him for his feelings of inadequacy. That is when it clicks in Colin's mind, although unconsciously, because he flashes back to that scene when he realises his feelings - Penelope is the only other person he feels comfortable enough with to share such thoughts. That's why their first time is such a contrast with the carriage scene, where it was a moment of passion as they get carried (hah!) away after confessing to each other. He was reeling from realising his feelings and narrowly stopping Penelope's engagement to Debling. There was urgency and then relief. Here, it is slower, more tender, because to Colin, this is it, this is where he can prove to Penelope that this was not a mistake, than he can take care of her, bring her pleasure like she could never imagine. He makes sure to tell Penelope how much he loves her, he asks her consent several times, he makes sure she is comfortable. It's a little awkward, unlike the carriage scene, because this is the real and full deal and he sure does not want to mess it up. After all:

That's why I'm not too mad we did not get a montage with them. Their two major intimate scenes are long sequences with few cuts, emphasised by their proximity and the comfort they feel around each other. They're emotional. They're supposed to make the viewer feel like they're interrupting. And Colin does not want to taint these two experiences, that's why the last intimate scene we get is after they reconcile (though we deserved a longer one). So, to quote myself: Colin does not let his lust take over when he's upset, because Penelope means too much to him. He does not want to lay together only to wake up in a cold bed and still be fighting in the morning. He wants to be hers, body and soul, fully and assuredly, and until he accepts the fact he loves her because of Whistledown and not despite since they are one and the same, then he cannot promise Penelope all of himself either. In his mind, he may be afraid that this emotional intimacy he felt with Penelope when they laid together will be ruined, or just simply gone while he is so tortured by the Whistledown reveal. Everything else is a mess right now but that part of their relationship? It was pure and sincere, and he wants to keep it that way.

And not to dunk on Book!Colin again but that man had anger issues and could be violent, he knew he was hurting her sometimes and did not do shit to stop that. Why would you prefer that over Show!Colin keeping a respectful distance and yet still staying close to Penelope, trying his best to protect her despite it all?

After all, the only time he gives in while they're still fighting is when they argue in the streets and Penelope shouts "I love you" to his face. That is the first time she confesses in the present tense. And for a second, Colin's walls crumble. He's a sensitive man, after all, even when he's upset, he ends up tearing up, so the declaration of love answering his "Then what good am I to you?", a question encompassing all of his insecurities in a few words, well, it's the emotional outburst that makes him almost give in, if they weren't in the middle of the street with carriages passing by. They were also both tipsy in that scene lol.

And while I'm at it, let's link back to my post regarding the entrapment line and the annulment. One thing I fail to mention (there already are so much, to be fair) is that Colin throwing an entrapment accusation can also be interpreted as him giving himself an excuse to remain engaged. The previous episode, he was worried they got carried away in the carriage (and then their future home) and that Penelope was changing her mind. As already mentioned, at that point, just like with Marina he could just walk away. They're only engaged, and no one knows they have been intimate. Sure, it would go against his principles as a gentleman but honestly he already broke them several times when Penelope is involved. And he knows that. He never actually intends to back down, he is determined to marry Penelope, as he said in that carriage this is "a feeling that is like torture, but one I cannot, will not, do not want to give up". But in that one moment, he was hurt and angry and knew what to say to hurt, and did not want to admit that he would have stayed either way because he loves her (and frankly, in this situation, Penelope is in the wrong and she kinda deserves to feel bad about wanting to hide such a thing from him, even if the accusation itself is unfair). So he gives the decision some duty, some responsibility. He's a gentleman, so he must do what's objectively right. Because that is easier than looking into the complexity of his feelings.

And that is marriage to me. Marriage is not a happily ever after. It's a choice, to stay by someone's side through the good and the bad times. And in that moment, he also made his choice, and knew Penelope would be his wife. From then on, they learn to communicate. They were in sync as friends, but as a husband and wife? That is different, even if the foundation is similar, they need to relearn how to navigate life together.

Episode 8 is all about them figuring this out.

Take these scenes for example. First of all, this has been pointed out by many already but: Colin may be mad, but he still stays close to her by sleeping on the settee just outside their bedchamber instead of taking another room. That's dedication.

Right away, Colin establishes a boundary between them and asks for some space, however, he still waits for her to wake up to tell her rather than leave without a word and having the servants inform her. She's visibly upset about it, insisting he should stay so they can talk, but he still leaves. Halfway through the episode, the situation is now reversed, Penelope emerges, already dressed while Colin clearly has not slept all night, she tells him she is leaving and giving him the space he asked for, and it is Colin's turn to be upset and realising that, no, actually he does not really like that distance anymore.

Note that until that point, they both were very confrontational whenever Whistledown was brought up, Penelope on the defensive and Colin on the offensive, they're both third children who were belittled so that is how they respond - Penelope by standing her ground and refusing to budge, and Colin by attacking and asserting himself. But here, Penelope listens to Colin's wants, and lets go a little. She gives him the space he needs, all the while she is also planning how to fix all this mess without lying to or hurting more people. And then later on again, Colin is the one who listens to her needs and her plan. That is the beginning of a healthy marriage as they both let go of their egos, as they both take a step back to listen to the other and realising they no longer have to do things alone, because actually, that distance between them was hurting both of them. Penelope accepts she can rely on others' support and Colin accepts that it is not what he can do that makes him worthy, but simply who he is.

People lament that in the Whistledown public reveal, Colin ended up not contributing much, as opposed to his book counterpart, but that is literally what Penelope asked him to do. She does not need a hero, she needs her Colin. Kind, supportive Colin, who reassured her with a simple smile and a nod on their wedding day, and who did the same when she stepped into the light once more at the Butterfly Ball. He gives her courage, by virtue of being there and loving her. Just like she gives him a purpose by simply loving him as well. The very thing Colin envied, Penelope's bravery? Well, he is one of the reasons it exists in the first place.

In the book, Penelope had no idea Colin was planning to reveal her identity, until the last, like, five minutes. He also told Anthony and Simon behind her back. I love the balcony scene but it always bothered me that Penelope's agency in that decision was taken from her. Therefore I love that they gave it back to her in the show. Just like she said in s1e8, Whistledown cannot be unmasked but if one day she shall be, then it would be in her own terms.

(I also want to say though that despite my criticisms earlier, Book!Polin remain one of my favourite dynamics in the books because despite it all, they're one of the healthiest couples. They work together as a team, and it helps Colin learned about LW before he proposed. They discuss Cressida's blackmail, whereas in the show Colin first dismisses Penelope in his need to prove himself capable of protecting her. We see them encourage each other in their writing more than in the show (fingers crossed for s4 though!) and they even discuss how they will keep Pen's Whistledown money for their children. They're a team, through and through, and in the show, we see the start of that, which makes sense, their show counterparts are ten years younger, not as mature as they are on paper.)

All through part 2, Colin stayed true to his confession in that carriage. His love was like torture. He was so insecure about Penelope not loving him as much as he does, questioning what good he even is to her and if she just lied. And yet he held on and did not want to give it up, he embraced it rather than ran from it like the other leads we had so far. He was shattered by the Whistledown secret and yet, he remained, worked through his sense of self, through his anger, through his insecurity, because Penelope is worth it. He was willing to lie for her, to lie to Benedict to get the money needed, to protect her. And Penelope clung to him just as fiercely, always reminding him that she loves him for simply being him. One always has worth. That is the validation Colin has always craved, that is when it truly sinks in for him and that he understands her selfless love for him; he does not need to pretend, he does not need to be useful, he does not need to have everything figured out, he can breathe. Penelope will be there every step of the way. Has always been, in fact, she's always been a constant in his life, and now that he is lucky enough to stand by her side and soak even a little bit of her light, well, he sure won't ever let go again.

And to end this section, not really a point of analysis, but shoutout to my girl Pen whose first instinct when she realises she can touch Colin is to reach for his hair and boy does he melt at the touch. Unlocked his hair pulling kink right there.

This is still a friends to lovers story

Fear not, the romcom vibes are still here! I kept this part for the last to end on a sweet note, just like this season. And this is also the part where I stop pretending to be a reviewer and I just allow myself to be self-indulgent, pointing out how cute these two are.

So, first of all:

They just fucked and what's the first thing they do together? Laugh. In the carriage, Colin did make a joke, prompting the laughing but in the mirror scene? They simply look at each other and start chuckling because they are so giddy upon realising this is real, they're best friends, and they're in love, and they'll be married and they will soon be able to do this whenever they want. Then, Penelope lets out a bit of her insecurity, hoping this was just as good for Colin as it was for her since she knew he was more experienced, and when he reassures her, Penelope grins and jokes about "the women in Paris", which she does again during the Mondrich ball, teasing him about the spicy parts of his journals. She is so secure in their relationship, she feels no jealousy towards Colin's past experiences but bet if anyone ever brings up Debling again, Colin would lose it, and I kinda wish we had at least one scene of Colin properly addressing his one-sided beef with Debling.

During their whole engagement (and before the LW reveal), they're just so incredibly in love, so sweet it might give you cavities, and it was such a breath of fresh air after two seasons and one spin-off of the main couple never really embracing their love until the later part of the seasons. The way Colin makes Penelope smile during the reading bans scene, then when they dance alone in the church, or when Colin adds the twirl (the flourish!) during the dance at the Mondrich ball and then when they laugh at the Butterfly Ball when everything is said and done and they can finally, fully be themselves... They are just two romantics at heart who are thrilled to be in love and miss no opportunity to flaunt it in front of the Ton who's always judged them so harshly. I wish I could include videos in this because posting screenshots would not give those moments justice.

And the comedic aspect of the romcom vibes of this season are still present in part 2, although a bit overshadowed by the Whistledown drama but I mean:

Penelope and Colin finally having a chaperone in Portia, and having no idea how to act now because they never had to worry about a chaperone before (and by that point, Penelope is already pregnant)

Poor Kanthony trying to find the right time to announce the pregnancy but here come Polin, getting engaged out of nowhere

Portia and Violet's tentative beginning of friendship, wherein Violet is trying so hard to be polite when faced with Portia's over-enthusiastic attitude

The whole charade scene with Anthony getting so competitive and glaring at poor Penelope when she gets the answers right.

All the times someone brought up Whistledown's imminent unmasking and Penelope taking psyching damage every time (meanwhile in part 1, it was everyone telling Colin how kind of him it is to help Pen find a husband). Peak "actions have consequences huh". She could not catch a break. Which okay, she was panicking and then fainted but I still find it a little funny because girl, you kinda had it coming.

The whole scene of Penelope revealing the money she made with Whistledown and Colin's, Eloise's and Portia's reactions.

And I'm probably forgetting other parts. It has now been confirmed as well that a lot of the reshoots were to make the season more light-hearted, more romcom, and they had Colin be less angry than he originally was in the script (notably after their wedding breakfast), so even if I resent that dreadful wig they put on my poor man, I'm so grateful the season remains, overall, more romcom than true drama like the other seasons could have been, because at the end of the day, this is the love story of two friends who already cared so deeply for each other. Honestly, I'd argue the true angst of the season came more from Eloise's and Penelope's rekindling friendship (and also Cressida's home life) (the true love triangle).

And speaking of truly knowing one another, let's go back to the one thing that brought Colin and Penelope together: the letters.

Note how loosely bound Penelope's letters to Colin were compared to the other pile, because he has kept them with him during his travels this past summer and kept rereading them when she did not respond back. And just like the letters (or lack thereof) were the first clues that something had shifted in their relationship and Colin realises how much he misses her, her letters also become the reason he reconciles Penelope with Whistledown because oh yeah, the writing is the same, clever, sharp, and beautiful, just like his Penelope. As he rereads them, he realises how he himself overlooked Penelope for so long, how he was compelled by her quill, how powerful it was that they made him feel more confident and how their absence made his sense of self crumble. The same way, upon his return, Whistledown calling him out, shattered that new self he had tried so hard to build. Penelope was the reason he found his confidence, then lost himself when she did not respond, and the reason he had to look inward when, through Whistledown, she saw through his facade.

But also isn't it sweet, that he unknowingly always praised her writing? Of her letters obviously, but of Whistledown as well. For all his negative feelings about the gossip column, one thing he always admitted is how clever Whistledown is, hence why he did not even believe Cressida could actually be her. Deep down, he's always admired her writing, even if he did not realise it was her yet. He was so attached to her letters after all.

And speaking of writing? Penelope becomes his muse.

That is him writing about Penelope's debut, proving he's always paid attention to her, between this, him being the one to bring up how they met, and recalling all the times Eloise kept bringing up Penelope in conversations. And he's writing all of this after the church dance scene! After Penelope's declared her love for him and how she's loved him for years! He was lamenting that love made him so simple he could not write a single word, but it is love that fuelled his mind once more and broke his writer's block. And then in the epilogue, he is so proud to say Penelope helped him edit his book, he who, a couple of episodes earlier, was so determined to do this on his own to prove himself, now his pride is that he worked together with his wife and they are building a family, and a writing empire, together.

The season ends as they kiss in front of the very window Penelope often sat in front of, overlooking Bridgerton house, hoping to catch a glimpse of Colin, who now will always be looking at her first. They also now have the heir to the Featherington barony, and they inherit the very house with the garden where Colin first broke Penelope's heart, then mended it by offering his help, then where they shared their first kiss. It is theirs now.

And it's just! They're so in love! I have no other words (also this post is so long, I am getting tired myself I probably sound like a broken record by now).

Conclusion

I think Bridgerton s3 has officially become a comfort watch. I'm never one to really rewatch shows, but this specific season has joined the small list I have. As already mentioned, when it comes to romance, friends to lovers has always been a favourite and Polin is such a good depiction of the trope. They're the gigglers on the side of balls, the ones who did not so much seek the centre stage but were thrown in the middle of it, which fits so well even on a meta perspective because Luke and Nicola admitted they sure did not expect their season to come this early either. They won't be the most popular couple, perhaps, but my God, they are mine. Despite the length of this post, I think I probably still forgot some points but oh well, gotta stop somewhere and I'm sure people more eloquent than I made posts as well.

This season was not perfect, I have a lot more gripes about it than this long post makes it sound like (although they're mostly non-polin related or something about the production), but I like to focus on the positives. And for all its flaws, s3 sure knew how to deliver a sweet romance between two outcasts who found their home with each other.

And with that, dearest gentle readers, this humble author - or rather, this person who fancies themself an author at their lost hours - finally lets their old keyboard rest, and hopes you have enjoyed this long read into a mind with too many thoughts about a gentle, kind man who has a lot of love to give and a fierce, passionate woman who wants to be loved.

(The sweetest little parallel to end this on, ever since s1, he's always seen her <3)

#THIS IS A LONG RIDE YALL GOOD LUCK #bridgerton #bridgerton spoilers #bridgerton thoughts #colin bridgerton #penelope featherington #polin #eloise bridgerton #peneloise #yes im tagging them too!#portia featherington #character analysis #long post #star.txt #the beginning of this post is lowkey just me arguing peneloise is as canon as polin /j #also posting this as pride month ends but just know polin are demisexual in my heart

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kumerish · 2 months

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really love blind alley, i have an odd question though: do you have a pronouns guide for the kids or are you just leaving them up for reader interpretation? (other than red who has already been asked about)

Thank you!

A: Not an odd question. I think about this a lot too. I've spent a really long time trying to order my thoughts on this in a coherent way.

I am intentional when I use pronouns. When we know, that means it's part of how a character conceives of themself. The reverse is also true. I feel a bit at odds with myself here though; despite previously making a post about the importance of ambiguity and interpretation in my storytelling, this is one area where I'd prefer people just accept that lack of certainty instead of theorizing.

I want us to be able to conceive of them as people and characters without categorizing them. Unfortunately, I can't force anyone to do this without being extremely didactic or overt and I find that sort of writing to be boring and easy to dismiss. People always misgender my characters. It doesn't upset me but it does make me feel like I am failing to get across my intentions. As with all art, you can't force someone to read and engage with it how you intend. Maybe I am just not conceptualizing this properly and there's a better way to do it. However, I am not comfortable imagining readers theorizing on a characters gender because that makes it feel like something withheld for some grand reveal. Gender just doesn't matter to some of these characters and within my own relationship to them; I would like that to be the case for my readers too.

This isn't to be dismissive of gender/sexuality and how strongly this can inform ones identity. However, and maybe it's naive of me but, I'd love to live in a world where gender and sexual orientation do not always factor in to our ability to relate to each other. Writing this way feels like putting to practice something important to me.

This desire to be comfortable with not knowing is partly in response to my general frustration with our inclination to constantly categorize people, ideas, and processes. I believe this inclination does endless harm. We want things to be finite, fixed, and known but when reading about biology, philosophy, and ecology, it's clear there are no fixed or singular points. It's all process, flux, and in between; that's where we live. That's also where cartoons live.

Blind Alley doesn't exist. There is no way for anyone to confirm anything about it. It is all relational cartoon abstraction; it is only what I draw and say and what you take from that. My hope is that, while an individual may have an interpretation of what I've written, a reader will also consider why it is written that way. I'm not certain how to force readers to sit with not knowing things - it's clear we all want answers but, philosophically and artistically, I think that getting comfortable with not needing to know is an expansive thing.

I'm also aware I am writing a comic strip; people engage with them in a certain frame of mind. I shouldn't overstate any of this because I am incredibly aware that I am writing a dumb comic strip with fart jokes and stupid gags. I unfortunately put a lot of pretentious thought into this.

So, to answer your question, I only know when it matters to the type of character I am writing. I am not withholding this information so I can do some sort of reveal later; it just feels right to write characters this way.

#blind alley #Q&A

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antisyscourse · 3 months

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why do you claim to be "anti syscourse" when you're obviously just pro endo and don't want to be harassed

hello there everybody!! this is the only ask like this i will ever answer, since i feel the need to clear the air and explain a few things!!

firstly, hello anon!! thank you for the question!! i believe you are misunderstanding the intentions of this blog!!

this blog is an anti syscourse space, i am personally not claiming to be against syscourse or to not have an opinion on it. now, i will never share my opinion on syscourse on this blog, because that is not what this blog is for! but please do not make assumptions towards me just because of the nature of my blog and the things i post, it makes me uncomfortable to have people in my inbox trying to pin pro and anti labels on me constantly. ^^

the purpose of this blogs existence is to create a safe space for any system, no matter your opinion on syscourse. the recent discourse between systems has gotten violent, stressful, and overall negative, and it has been like this for a long time. it is not healthy to constantly surround yourself with such negativity, hence, this blog!! the whole idea is that anyone is welcomed here to get away from syscourse, so obviously i am not going to discriminate against any one party, that would be hypocritical.

and, for the record, this blog has not avoided harassment in the slightest. unfortunately, i get harassed in my inbox at least daily, i simply ignore it. it's part of the reason why i check my inbox less now! it's rather upsetting, because i'm only trying to foster a safe space for everybody who wants it.

thank you for reading, i hope this clears up a few things. :))

[ID: STOP! this is a syscourse free blog! it is a safe space for all systems, so please go away if you intend upon stirring up drama!]

#addressing things #clarification #did osdd #did #osdd #actually did #actually osdd #osdd system #osddid #did alter #actually plural #plural system #plural positivity #plurality #system #system things #system stuff #sysblr

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chaifootsteps · 15 days

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watched the video going over the Ken chatlogs and while I've been resisting the temptation to assume Viv is projecting onto Stolas, a couple things about that video really stuck out to me (stating the above on the assumption that the chatlogs are true, obviously this is all alleged, though I'm pretty sure I remember Ken posting a video scrolling through their discord in the past)

it's just a long list of behaviors - being melodramatic, being two-faced, framing herself as the victim and talking about how upset she is even when no one involved is being unreasonable. then saying anyone that expresses a problem, even if they attempt to be polite or compliment her work while doing so, is attacking her and hostile and using that to try and avoid talking about the problem

as far as we know she never dated anyone who worked with her but it does make me wonder since she behaves as though just working for her is good enough and that she's doing people a favor, then they're ungratefully attacking her if they have a problem.

it reminds me a lot of Stolas' 'I've tried to so hard to support you!' line - he was using Blitzo for sex but wants to reframe it as Blitzo should be grateful because he supported his business. which is the same thing with Viv - she seems to think anyone she gives a job to is indebted to her because they get paid for their work, even though in reality she was using them by taking their ideas and passing them off as their own to make herself look better (and of course Stolas' whole crybully if I'm sad, you're in the wrong routine). It's like she just constantly wants him, the character with all the power who was not trying to be philantropic when lending Blitzo the book, to be right at all times because she doesn't like to confront ideas of power dynamics if the rich/more privileged one has done anything wrong

the other thing that floored me was how many times she said some variation of the phrase 'if you would like credit, you can have it' when like - they shouldn't have to ask, Viv! of course everyone would like to be credited but it should be the industry standard for any studio claiming to be professional and worth taking seriously

One thing about reading as many Viv chatlogs as something like this entails...it makes listening to Stolas's dialouge especially haunting. I don't know that she intends him to be a self-insert, but if you just put their quotes and the phrases they favor side by side, you'd be very hard pressed to tell them apart.

#Anonymous #vivziepop critical #viv stuff #actual blog post

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pyschedtrickster · 5 months

Text

TADC Ep 2 - Depression and the Meaning of Life

Well, I may or may not be a day late to release of the episode, but I've watched it three times so far and I have some thoughts. Let's get the gritty stuff outta the way.

First of all, The Amazing Digital Circus belongs to @gooseworx and therefore everything I say here is just my personal take on the episode. I could be wrong, talking out my ass, etc. But this episode really spoke to me, so good job Goose.

Secondly, spoilers <3

Third, I think I've written enough that people won't get jumpscared with spoilers. This is gonna be a long read, so bear with me. This post will contain ALL my thoughts on the episode, both meaningful and just silly things I liked.

BUBBLE

So anyone who knows me from Bunnydoll Burrow knows I love Bubble. They're my favorite so far and this episode only cemented that further. They're wonderful comedic relief and even if they don't have any character development (which I don't think they will), I will always love them.

Caine Cares Too Much

While watching this, I was immediately off-put by Caine's reactions, even beginning with him calling Zooble back. He sounds so... dire? I don't know if that was intended to mean something or if it was just to put emphasis on how much Caine cares about his creations. Caine is AI, so world-building is likely his ONLY goal, or his prompt if you will. It wouldn't surprise me if that was why he was so upset by everyone's reactions.

But I can't help but wonder if this will play into his character arc. We understand that Caine is ambiguous right now and there's no real explanation of what his intentions are in the Circus. Something about this just really set me off. It made me feel unsafe in a way as if staying behind would result in danger of some kind. Obviously, it couldn't be that bad, as Zooble did stay behind and turned out fine. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is foreshadowing.

Zoobie

Hilarious. What a solid nickname, I've seen so many headcanons that Zooble would be a stoner in the real world. This only makes it better. They are now Zoobie in my mind.

Pomni's Child Comment

While I'm sure this was just a silly comment to be made, I kinda liked it. Just a little in-show reminder that through all of this, Pomni is a real, grown-ass woman stuck inside some digital Hell. The whole first episode, we see her wallowing and panicking, justifiably so. Finally, we get to see her grow more serious and stable.

Through the episode, we see more of her being a good character and becoming more at terms with her situation. I'll touch on this more soon.

Gangle

My girl CANNOT catch a break. Gangle is such a funny character and so, so sweet. She's level-headed in my opinion, even through her emotions. She seems to have a good grip on the shit happening around her but has a hard time communicating properly because she has a lot of feelings going on. Me too, honey, me too.

Even in the face of violence, danger, and overall shitfuckery, she doesn't shut down. Sure, she cries. But I've cried plenty of times while still holding the fort down. I think I just relate to her.

Lastly, I NEED to know what this means like I need oxygen.

Government Mandated Shipping

I dunno man, I just really liked this. I'm a shipper at heart. I've been writing fanfic since middle school. I saw pure fanfic material when I watched this scene.

Kinger and Raggs

This scene made me smile. It's a cute nod towards how Kinger is the longest-standing character and, according to some lost post of Goose's, Ragatha is the second. Plus, all of episodes one and two, we see her trying so hard to be a rock for Pomni. She tries to include everyone, keep everyone cheerful, and be a stable constant in a realm of chaos; Seeing Kinger recognize how far she's come and using that to bring her back to reason was just so refreshing. Ragatha deserves more appreciation like that: less about what she does for others, and more about what she's done for herself.

Jax's Disappointment

So we don't know much about Jax besides how Goose loves him and says he's an asshole who may or may not be irredeemable. When he started talking about violence and getting excited at the thought, I chalked it up to him being an ass. But it struck me just how much this mattered to Jax in this scene. I have questions, man. But I'm about to go on a wild tangent, so hear me out.

Jax is happy when being destructive. He gets immediately upset when things go well. And in the circus, we can assume that there have been a lot of traumatic, wild things that have occurred. I wonder if the chaos, the violence, is a comfort for Jax because of those traumatic experiences. As a person with trauma, I've learned that there's a funny cycle that I and other traumatized people experience.

We don't like the situations we're in, but when faced with normalcy, it's so much scarier than the damaging situation we come from. So, we run from 'normal' back into the suffocating arms of our traumatizing situations for comfort. Going back to the situation means more trauma, more trauma means a harder time finding peace in a safe, normal environment, which means more trauma... you get the picture.

So am I saying a fictional purple bunny is using violence in a digital realm to cope with the very real topic of trauma? Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am. This is how I cope.

Depression, Finding Your Place, and the Bigger Picture

Now you may be saying, "hey! You skipped over some major scenes to talk about silly stuff! What gives?"

Well, as the title of this post suggests, I had some heavier stuff to address in this episode and wanted to compile it all in one section. So that meant skipping over a scene to bunch it in with other ones. I'll break it down.

Depression

Let me begin with the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression for years now. I've been hospitalized for it and I've had family members struggle with it around me. This heavily influenced how I viewed this episode and specifically this scene.

Gummigoo had a perfectly reasonable reaction to seeing the perfect replica of him that is his model. Seeing something like that would shatter your world, and we see that happen to him immediately.

But when Gummigoo talked to Pomni and asked why anything matters, it gave me this really familiar feeling. Thoughts of being nothing, of feeling meaningless, the mere idea of being an obstacle--I've experienced all of these. I'm sure others have. Pomni was right when she said it's normal. Everyone has felt down from time to time.

But what Gummigoo is talking about really hit home with my depression. Thoughts like these, especially when they linger for long, change how you view the world. Everything is tinted blue and desaturated. You feel empty and eventually, so does the world around you. You feel like when the party is over and everyone leaves, you disappear--or you think you should, at least.

"Why are you trying to cheer me up? How does this benefit you at all?"

And it's so, so hard to accept help when feeling like this. Depression is a bitch in the way that it wants you to stay depressed. It feels like everyone around you wants you to feel better because it is a convenience for them. It almost feels transactional if you smile.

But Pomni says it so beautifully; "I guess I just don't want you to feel like you're nothing. I don't want anybody to feel like that."

The way she says it makes me feel like she knows the feeling too, and in reality, she says she does understand in a way how Gummigoo feels. But that? That made it real for me. I don't know why. This whole scene, the entrapment and loneliness despite not actually being alone, just embodied how I've felt for years. What amazing writing.

Finding Your Place

This scene was really the cherry on top of everything I just spoke about. We see that these two understand each other, at least as much as they can. They recognize all of this, it's ridiculous. They're hurtling through space into the unknown, hoping everything works out. They may feel empty, but they're not alone. They've got each other, for better or worse. Maybe they don't know where they belong in this liminal space, but they know where they stand in each other's minds.

And then we get this ending scene. God. Fuck.

I knew that there was obviously something to that dream Pomni had in the beginning, but somehow I didn't expect this to be the conclusion to it. I guess I was too distracted by everything else. So when I got to this shot, I got all warm and teary-eyed.

Pomni finally feels like she's got a pack, a place in this digital circus. When you don't feel mentally alone anymore, there seems to be a weight that's lifted off your shoulders. It doesn't cure the sadness, but at least you know that if you need to be picked up, someone will be there. Depression wants you to be alone, but it just lost that battle. The internet has said it best: A win is a win.

The Bigger Picture

We all know where the end of the road is. How we get there is the mystery. This thought can really make a person feel small, especially when depression comes in to tell you that you in fact are small, according to the chemicals in your brain. But the power of numbers and knowing your place in the world makes facing the unknown a little easier.

I'll be honest, the words are kinda lost on me at this point. Our demise is a really hard topic to broach. I've lost a lot of people, especially some major players in my life (shoutout to the Dead Dads club), and still, I don't understand it all. But the best way I can explain it is through my own experience and how I applied it to this episode.

I had for a long time gone through life trying to prepare and prepare. I played the role of the strong, unaffected individual after being hardened by trauma in childhood. I didn't want to be outwardly emotional, because if I was I would have to admit defeat.

It made me feel weak, especially when my depression would whisper nasty things to me about my self-worth. The bigger picture at that time didn't even exist in my mind. I lived to serve and die. It was no way to live.

Only recently, with time, a couple grippy sock vacays and therapy have I started to form my own, new big picture. At the center of this is my interactions with others. Family, friends, and strangers, all of them are affected by my actions. Even during the days when I feel worthless or alone, I remind myself that even the little things I do have a spiderweb effect. I have worth, more so than serving others or being some obstacle. I can simply walk down the street and perhaps I'll be the person who some kid looks at and hopes to look like when they're older. My existence is so much more than just a give-and-take situation with everyone around me.

It felt like Pomni found her purpose in the circus, and it was more than just playing along until the end. Rather, it was to befriend the people around her who have proved in one way or another way that they care. Abstraction wasn't in vain to them. Lives mattered, and therefore so did Pomni.

In a vast, digital world where chaos looms like a grey cloud, Pomni always mattered. She just had to realize how, and it was much more than being an obstacle or a pawn. And so do we, I think.

#tadc #the amazing digital circus #tadc ragatha #tadc jax #tadc kaufmo #tadc gangle #tadc pomni #tadc fandom #tadc zooble #tadc kinger #tadc bubble #tadc caine #tadc episode 2 #digital circus #tadc ep 2 #episode 2 #new episode #gummigoo #tadc gummigoo

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