#this song is literally the only thing keeping me on track mentally and emotionally right now

[beelzzzebub]

I now associate The Chain with ofmd in the same highly emotional way that I associate Somebody to Love with good omens, and it's seriously very weird in both cases

[third3yeblonde]

Whiskey glasses...

Not anywhere near me. But that is the name of the song I”m listening to. Don’t judge me, Morgan Wallan aint that bad I guess for new country. When do I ever listen to country? Pretty much when I’m in my saddest feels. Since you know, what better than a sad country song to make my depression go even deeper. Like, here’s my tears, how about a sound track?! Country singers are way too open I swear. LOL what am I even talking about ? Anyways, so.. I feel like I”m getting a little bit better.. about things. At this point there is such a steadily growing voice in my head telling me how dumb the whole thing is and how I never really deserved any of the fuck shit he’s put me through... Yeah, I get it you know I love him I always will but that does not mean I have to sit here and take this shit 24/7.. You know what, I’m glad. I’m glad he chose her. More power to her. Have fun being physically and emotionally abused literally from the time you open your eyes til you shut them at night being with him... I think one the main reasons he’s so fascinated with her is because she’s not learning.. like.. she’s not learning and acting accordingly? So he’s intent on forcing her, making an example out of her. to herself? I guess? It’s the only thing that makes sense in my mind. He craves the fight, the underlying tension always at a 10.. I don’t know if she’s just literally not smart like I am when it comes to what he’s drilled in my head and formed these things in my mind very carefully and pain stakeingly.. Or like, if I’m just the more pathetic of the two because I tried to be whatever he wanted so hard.. that I barely went against any word out of his mouth for fear of being slapped or worse.. I guess maybe she’s already been through shit like that or what I dont know but she damn asks for the shit I swear.. I know thats awful but seriously. Will she ever learn? Every try to avoid the explosion that is Cody Dale..? No, she brings it out.. one of the main reasons I can’t stand her. She brought the old Cody out.. and I hate her for it. I really do.. I wish I could go back to before he met her.. and do what I had such a hard time deciding on.. Be with him. Like when he went to jail for the little bit of time not last christmas but the one before that... I wish I could have just made myself do it. Maybe I could have helped. Help him keep the new Cody around.... But.. He scared me... And I couldn’t help how much... I wish I could gp back so bad. I wonder how things would be now.. Without her in the picture. Sigh I’m soooo mad I just made this far into this post all about him and her. Hate myself lol. Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m starting to distance myself mentally from the situation I think, like blocking out the feelings associated with it all completely. Because that shit hurt so fucking bad my brain is trying to keep me safe by like... Making me numb to it all. Maybe a little too much. I really don’t think its healthy for me to do that shit.. Kinda like last Christmas.. What a shit show. But yeah, it’s like I’m disassociating from the experience entirely while still currently living it. Trying to get past it. But fuck its hard. And then there’s Matthew... Sigh. Thats for another post maybe. Will probably be equally as long and stupid sounding. I really think I may just suck as a person in general... No, no thats not true. I’m a girl/woman/child, 27 years old, ADHD and bipolar 1 disorder ridden, probably over medicated, barely stable, holding on as tight as I can to my sanity... I’m trying as hard as I can given my circumstances... Which I’m still starting to learn and get familiar with instead of just living with no introspection.. I think thats the right word, self reflection? Being fully aware of whats going on, and being honest about it. Whether that’s fun or not. It doesn’t matter, I gotta start holding myself responsible for what I can control.. Which is alot when I think about it. I am in control of.. all of it. My life is mine only. I am the reason I am here right now.. I  am the one who made the choices that led for me to be here, nobody else. I’m tired of just watching my life go by like I have no say so/no choice in the matters I put myself in/create. Life is literally what I make it. If I want to change I’m the only one thats holding me back. I’m the only one responsible for my actions, I’m the only one in control. I have to keep telling myself that. I feel like I’ve been letting someone else or better yet nobody steer me through life. Like theres been no hands on the wheel. Like I’ve just let life come in and beat the shitt out of me.. I’ve let myself get hurt so much.. So unexpectedly at the time.. But hindsight is 20/20... right? Theres no way I could have prepare myself for the things that have happened.. but what I can do is take the lessons learned in those experiences and apply them to the next day of my life, and keep doing that. Every day. Never make the same mistake more than once.. better said than done right? That is I think what I need to remember, anytime life brings me something I’ve already learned how to navigate, or well. Something I’ve fucked up in the past that I can just.. learn from that and apply what I’ve learned to all upcoming experiences.. the best I can anyway... I feel like I’m giving myself permission to learn from myself instead of trying to be so perfect like I know everything already when some situations I don’t. Even if I don’t, I can try to take what I”ve learned previously and maybe not fuck up whatever it is that I’m trying to accomplish, or change, or just do in general.. I want to go back to school man, I want to be the best at my job, I want to never be late again, I want to always rememher my appointments, really dig into therapy  and retrospection and try to live the best I can.. for me. And only me. Because I deserve that much. I know I do. I know whats right for me and what’s wrong. I’m tired of acting like I don’t know what I’m doing. Its really weird. these thoughts... Maybe they’ll stick around. I hope so. I’m gonna try to be concienctoius and.. live the best I can. Accomplish the things I know I can do. Instead of letting life pass me by like I’m living but not really being present or making decisions that are best for me because why? I’m not sure of that yet. I’ll get back to you when I figure that one out; For now I’m just gonna try to actually do the things I set out to do. And get the shit done. No giving up my happiness either. None of that shit. I can do this. Ok. Nighty night. 

[ms-demeanor]

While I appreciate that you want a person to live, have you considered that you are just another person who has refused them help? Sometimes it doesn’t get better. For how many years, and from how many people, is a person supposed to be ok with being dehumanized before it is ok for them to throw the towel in?

Telling someone what caliber of gun is most likely to kill them so they can start a savings fund for it isn’t helping; refusing to respond to that with anything other than mental health resources isn’t refusing to help.

But okay we’re going to have the It Gets Better talk.

I am almost thirty four years old. I’ve been getting treated for depression for literally more than half of my life. I have spent even MORE of my life than that kind of wishing that I was dead and occasionally REALLY wishing I was dead and sort of getting off my ass to do something about it. I have the standard CSA/multiple rape survivor Oh No The Trauma backstory and spent the last *nine* years living with an emotionally abusive relative who had recently taken to tracking my activity by filming me in my home.

I kind of hate “it gets better” narratives because you know what, sometimes life is shit and it doesn’t really get all that much better. Sometimes things are bad and the only thing that gets you out of the abuser’s house is the fact that your partner nearly died. Sometimes everything sucks and it sucks for a long time and there’s no end of the suck in sight.

I have friends who are chronically, degeneratively ill. I know “It Gets Better” doesn’t really help them because they aren’t going to get better. They’re going to stay sick, they’re going to keep hurting, and in a lot of cases things are going to get worse.

So “It Gets Better” kind of rubs me the wrong way. I’d like to reframe it.

You get better at dealing with the bullshit.

Sometimes your situation doesn’t improve but how you approach it does. You may be stuck in the same shit but dedicating less mental space to caretaking an abuser’s emotions. You may still be dealing with daily pain but you’ve gotten to know what triggers it and what to avoid. You may be stuck in a miserable, terrifying situation and have a rich and thriving community of fanfic authors you talk to when shit gets to be too heavy.

The people who “it gets better” narratives tend to be really helpful for are young people who don’t have any autonomy who are close to being old enough that they’ll finally get to make some choices about their lives.

It’s harder dealing with feeling trapped as an adult because you can’t generally escape the things that are trapping you by living in a college dorm or getting an apartment with a bunch of roommates or coming out because you may have already done those things OR you may be in a place where those things aren’t possible for you.

So what do you do?

Well, for starters instead of saving up money for the best kind of gun to kill yourself with save up money for something stupid and funny that you like. Save up money for a tattoo, save up money for an arcade-size DDR cabinet and pads, save up money to buy a camera to make a youtube channel of you doing bad cover songs. (And if you don’t have money to save up then take up a free hobby; if you’ve got access to the internet to send me anons about how to kill yourself you’ve got access to the internet to use AO3 and I strongly recommend you start writing self-insert fic where you get to hang out with the cool fictional characters you like because it’s sort of like maladaptive daydreaming but people will stop by and say nice things about it and you feel validated when the numbers go up)

If you *can’t* fix your situation (because you live in a country that doesn’t recognize your gender, because you’re poor and have to live with people who hurt you, because you’ve got such deep and overwhelming anxiety that making the change seems impossible, because you don’t want to abandon someone more vulnerable than you to the bad situation) then do something, ANYTHING, that you and you alone are in charge of. You’re in charge of your bad cover songs youtube channel. You’re in charge of the smiley face tattooed on your ass. You’re in charge of what happens in your totally self-indulgent, fluffy, found family fic.

Find one thing, ONE THING, that allows you to assert your autonomy and everything gets a lot easier from there because A) you’ve got proof you can do something for yourself and B) you’ve now got something to fall back on when you ask yourself “why do I keep going?”

You keep going because you like your gender affirming roleplay group online. You keep going because you want a horrible butterfly tattooed on the other ass cheek. You keep going because you want to see how many kudos the next update gets.

And while you’re doing all of that you’re making a plan.

Let’s not kid ourselves here, suicidal people are GOOD at making plans. Not at keeping them all the time, but good at making them.

So you plan to get out.

You might not *keep* that plan but if you can sit and fantasize about eating a gun so that the pain will stop then you can sit and fantasize about buying a plane ticket or running away or looking for a different doctor so the pain will stop.

Do the little things that you can do. Write fic, go fishing, fold paper cranes, take long walks by yourself, pet a cat, get a tongue piercing, read a book. Do the little things that you can control, that you enjoy, that you do just for you.

And while you’re doing that think about the train you’re going to take to leave, how much nicer the nurses will be at the new doctor, how great it’s going to feel to dress in a way that feels right.

And even if it doesn’t work and you’re stuck living with a shitty abusive harpy who screams you awake and makes you have panic attacks whenever you hear her moving around the house you’ll get better at dealing with the bullshit. You’ll build up a space for you in your head where the bullshit isn’t there.

And then maybe someday the outside matches the inside. Maybe your friend needs a roommate, maybe you get a job that pays better, maybe a new medication is released. You don’t know for sure that it’s going to happen, there’s no guarantee it’ll happen, but at least if it doesn’t happen you’ve carved out a little space for yourself where you can survive.

ALSO

I know that a huge number of suicidal people are suicidal because they feel helpless.

One way to IMMEDIATELY make yourself feel less helpless is to help someone else. Here’s an app where you can give visual assistance to blind and low-vision people: https://www.bemyeyes.com/

The world is shitty and everything sucks and sometimes you can’t make your own situation better, but you can write video and image transcriptions on tumblr and maybe that’ll cheer someone else up.

Anyway, it’s not up to me to say when anybody else has had enough, but I figure you shouldn’t try to kill yourself until you’ve gotten a stegosaurus in an admiral’s hat tattooed on your thigh or something because who knows, that could be the thing that makes you feel better enough to keep going and if you’ve put up with the pain and bullshit this long what do you have to lose by putting up with it a little longer?

[cl-01-kestis]

Incorrect Morals

Dismay - Grand Admiral Thrawn x Rebel!Reader | Part 7

Summary: You receive a call from Thrawn once again and spend the night getting lost in conversation, and after a tense negotiation with a team of rebels, you get stuck in a sticky situation with Kallus.

Warnings: slight romance, angst (literally all these chapters have angst i-) (I’m also sorry to all of you Kalluzeb shippers. I do ship it very much but it isn’t a thing in this story 🥺)

-

Chiss translations:

Ch'ah tsucarah = I promise

Rab nor rah vah k'ir ch'at rihn? = but only if you do the same?

Ch'ah csarcican't, k'ir nah can'a about ch'ah = I will, don’t worry about me

Ch'ah’ll can'a about vah veah ch'otco veah ch'ah ran'as, non ch'pae = I’ll worry about you as much as I want, now go

It was 10:45 PM.

The sky dimmed into a pitch black and Omani had gone to bed due to how mentally and physically exhausted she was, mostly because of the journey and the fact she had seen her dad in person for the first time and her mind wouldn’t shut up about it. As for you, you had just gotten out of the shower. It had been a long day and your visit to Naboo had been cut short due to obvious circumstances and you felt the need to clean up.

You stood in front of the comunual refresher mirror, drying your hair with a spare towel you had lying about as your body was on full show. No one used the refreshers at this time of night so you didn’t necessarily need to cover up.

You brought your bag to the showers since you went in a refresher as soon as you undressed from your Senator outfit. You scrubbed your hair and body, unable to shake the feeling of anxiety off your skin as you washed yourself under the cold water.

The towel soaked up all the water on your body as you dried your hair and flung the towel around your shoulder. Your body was cold against the cool air coming into the showers, but you found it pleasant, it made you feel comfortable. You brushed your hair and put on clean briefs and a black sports bra after putting deodorant on. The towel was still draped around your shoulders and neck, catching whatever water droplets left your strands of hair and making sure none of them soaked your bra. You slid your legs through a pair of black leggings, shimmying your hips into them and bending your legs slightly so they could adjust and not fall down.

You shuffled around in your bag and grabbed ahold of your holo device, switching it on as you washed your face in the mirror. You scrolled through the news articles that came up on the holonet, nothing too exciting was going on at the moment apart from the galactic war. A twi’lek presenter was broadcasting the daily reports for the New Republic, her face plastered with a fake smile as she read off the papers sorted nearly in front of her. You watched with a bored expression, listening in loosely as you put on some deodorant and whistled a small song to yourself.

As you rubbed your hair with the towel some more, a small incoming call notification popped up on your holo device and you stopped to look and inspect the number with squinted eyes. It was Thrawn.

Sighing to yourself, you accept the call and turn around to make sure no one’s coming in as his holo image illuminated in front of you on the bathroom sink. You were met with a tired looking Thrawn, now wearing a white long sleeved T-shirt and his hair no longer layered by gel. You looked at one another for a brief second, Thrawn’s scarlet eyes looking down at your torso and realising you were wearing only a sports bra before returning his gaze to yours in a respectful manner, he made no comment.

“Hello again,” Thrawn managed a small, warm smile. You repeated his actions and let the corner of your lip curl up as you ruffled your hair some more with the towel and placed it on the counter of sinks after.

“Hey” You mumbled back, resting your palms on the edge of the sink just so you had something to lean on. Your posture was relaxed but your shoulders seemed tense, that’s what Thrawn noticed as you rolled your neck around your shoulders to relieve some tension. You looked stressed.

“I want to apologise for today, I didn’t realise you were going to be attending” He sighed, fumbling with the hem of his T-shirt sleeves as he kept his eyes on you, doing his best not to look away out of shame. You shook your head, turning around so your hips leaned against the sink.

“It’s alright, I’m not judging you for doing your job” You noted, crossing your arms and smiling in an assuring manner at Thrawn who took some relief towards that, his body relaxing slightly as his eyes grew soft.

“I do feel embarrassed though, I also want to apologise for Pryce” He continued, causing you to cringe and frown at the mentioning of that woman’s name.

“Don’t be sorry for someone who isn’t; you don’t need to cover up her tracks, she worked beside me a few times back when I was an Imperial after all, so I know what kind of person she is” You corrected Thrawn quickly, gaze turning fierce and angry but it wasn’t directed towards him. Your face scrunched up in displeasure for a moment, hands clutching at your bare upper arms and trying to ignore the rising frustration building up inside you.

“She is... dull to work with, so I don’t blame you” Thrawn’s words made you chuckle and nod in agreement, your eyes unconsciously staring at him for a bit too long until you quickly cleared your throat and ran a hand through your scalp.

“It was a pleasant surprise to see you today” Your words projected veracity, and Thrawn felt his heart beat flare up in anticipation at that single comment, even if it wasn’t a massive one. He bit back a smile and nodded his head.

“As with you, Rcati,” Thrawn beamed, some strands of loose navy hair falling in front of his eyes that made your heart skip a beat, or were you just imagining things?

“I must admit, you looked very beautiful, I can’t recall ever seeing you in a dress” Thrawn leaned back with the support of his arms, it made you realise he wasn’t sitting in his chair but maybe the floor? You weren’t sure, but it certainly wasn’t his chair.

“Dresses aren’t my thing, I only need to wear them for the Senate to make a ‘positive impression’” You used your two fingers on each hand to make a sarcastic emphasis on the last part, and it warmed your heart to see Thrawn chuckle in response.

“I know the feeling, it’s all about positive impressions now a days. But how has it been? Being a Senator?” Thrawn looked more and more excited the more he spoke and asked you things, his eyes sparkled with interest and his mouth never stopped curling up as he looked right at you. You reminded yourself that this was the real Thrawn you were talking to, not the Thrawn you saw back at the Senate. As scary as he could he, this was as real as he could get, and you were grateful he showed this side of himself to you, even after years of not speaking to him. The trust was still there.

“It’s been tiring, I’ve not been working recently but all the travelling and meeting new people really drains you” You answered frankly, scratching the back of your neck as Thrawn hummed softly. He seemed to study you in a subtle sense as you awaited his answer, he trapped his chin between his thumb and index finger and his eyes stayed unfocused for a few seconds.

“You hate both of those things, i genuinely can’t believe you took a career as a Senator- I mean, you dreamed of being a soldier your whole life, why not do that with the rebels?” Thrawn’s voice held interest as he tilted his head slightly and a few more strands of his hair fell on his forehead. Thrawn frowned and tried fixing the hairs but gave up soon after they kept falling on his face. You noticed it now, Thrawn’s hair was longer than it was when you worked with him at the Empire. He had it cut much shorter, but now it was at least a few inches longer. Of course it wasn’t as long as his hair used to be on Csilla, but you’d give a lot to see him with that hair again. He suited it more than you wanted to admit.

“The reason is our daughter, and I’m too busy to be a soldier now. The fear of dying in battle and leaving Omani alone terrifies me, I could never do that to her... I’m the only person she has at the moment” Your voice lowered the more you spoke, gaze drifting off to think about the scenario you feared most. Thrawn nodded his head, understanding what you were getting at and doing his best to try and emotionally sympathise with you.

He wasn’t good at emotions, he never was. He feared weakness, and made little to no efforts to connect with anyone in the Empire what so ever. It was a cold life for him, but now he felt he had to do something, anything, to connect with you. He never realised it until you left, but Thrawn liked you, a lot, and not just for the sex or company. If anything, he loved you. And the thought of you disappearing again made him nauseous, completely sick to his stomach with anxiety, and that was something he had never experienced before. Pure and utter dread.

“That’s a fair point, I wouldn’t want her being left alone” Thrawn returned his gaze to you and he took his time to study you until you looked back at him. Your body hadn’t changed that much since he last saw it, but he noticed the stretch marks peeking out of the hem of your leggings, it was obviously from your pregnancy. The sight made his heart swoon.

If there’s one thing Chiss are always proud of, it’s having a family and a mother or father to have their kin. Thrawn’s gotten so used to the fact he was a father throughout the last few days, he forgot about all the worries and concerns he had about the Empire just by looking at Omani’s face. He didn’t even know her, hell, he didn’t even know she existed until recently, but he already felt so much pride. That was his daughter, a daughter that you gave him. And the thought of you looking after Omani for so long, and risking so much to keep her safe, made Thrawn utterly fall in love with you. Not that he wasn’t in love with you before.

“She was at the Senate today as well, wasn’t she?” Thrawn raised a brow, bending his knee up to rest his elbow on it. Okay, he was definitely sitting on the floor, or his bed maybe.

“She was, she saw you and freaked out” You chuckled, making the situation more lighthearted and trying to avoid telling Thrawn about how scared she was, you didn’t want him becoming guilty.

Thrawn sighed. “She smiled at me though, I guess that’s a starting point”. Your smile widened at his comment.

“Omani will come around eventually, hopefully when the war ends, then maybe-“ maybe we could be a family. You cut yourself off before you said anything else, wincing internally after realising you said too much and would probably be questioned by Thrawn about it. Your face was hot with embarrassment and you cleared your throat to waft away the tension.

“Maybe...?” Thrawn persuaded with curiosity, leaning forward and raising his other leg up so he was sitting more comfortably. You looked away from Thrawn and pinched the bridge of your nose, waving away his comment and trying not to get butt hurt about thinking too much about what you desired more than anything in the world.

“Just getting ahead of myself, that’s all” Your voice was quiet but clear enough for the Chiss to hear. You sniffed but no tears were in your eyes, thankfully for your sake. But that didn’t stop Thrawn from wondering desperately what was on your mind. He practically knew you when you were a baby, your parents knew his very well and he bonded with you the moment he met you; him being 5 years old and you, a new born. But when you became an adult, he wanted to know what you were thinking, what you were perhaps feeling, maybe - and hopefully - feelings towards him? He could never crack you, and now he was faced with the same issue.

“I won’t push, but whatever it is, it’s obviously bothering you” You sucked in a breath at Thrawn’s statement. He was right, he knew he was. Were you ready to tell him though? You only spoke to him once before now, after 14 years, but somehow your feelings for him have never changed. If anything they’ve grown stronger now that you’ve got a direct link; Omani.

“It is bothering me, and it has for the longest time... but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it just yet” You clutched the edge of the sink and ground your teeth, afraid you said too much all together. You felt like keeping your feelings from him was unfair, he done nothing but tell the truth to you and he proved his loyalty to you after saving you and Omani at the Senate. He might have been Empire, but you and Omani being rebels didn’t stop him from protecting either of you from harms way.

“Do you... remember the nights I’d come over to your office, and we’d just talk? Sex or not, but just... being in each other’s company?” It was a strange question, you knew it, but Thrawn wasn’t confused by what you were getting at, he nodded his head and urged you to continue. You chewed the inside of your cheek nervously and raised your hand up to your mouth to bite at your nails. Thrawn noticed this and reached out on the hologram, his blue, illuminated hand reaching out but unfortunately going right through you. He flinched back, his hand slowly returning to his side and his expression falling.

“Those were some of the best memories of my time at the Empire, with you, and only you” You looked at Thrawn with pure sincerity and he knew instantly you were telling the truth. His throat went dry at your confession and for a second he had no clue how to reply, your words caught him so off guard but he didn’t waste too much time coming up with words to respond with.

“The feeling is mutual, Rcati, you’re the only person I’ve really confided in” Thrawn looked conflicted as he let the words slip through his teeth, the hands you weren’t able to see below the hologram were clenched and his knuckles were light blue. He was struggling to get his emotions out, but he loved to hear you do it.

You said nothing in reply to his comment, you only smiled at him. Looking at you now, Thrawn thought you were stunning. You were glowing as you looked at him with such emotion, the tears visible in your eyes even though none of them spilled and the breathtaking smile covering up half of your face. It truly was a wonderful sight to see, it made him realise for the first time in years that he really needed something like this. The Empire was a tough place to work in, he never knew how much he needed you to keep him afloat until this very moment, even the moments before on the hologram.

You were his life, and you always had been, but he was sad that he was only realising that now. He had known you since birth, known you for 42 whole years and now did he know you were his reason. His reason for what? Life. To carry on. To push through the war until it was over and hopefully see you after it was all over. Omani as well. Maker, he needed Omani just as much as he needed you.

“What’s on your mind?” The Chiss asked in a small, quiet voice, as if someone outside was passing by his chamber door. You ruffled your hair once again with the discarded towel on the sink and rolled your neck around your shoulders, sighing pleasantly at the released tension.

“Us” You answered in a hushed whisper, your mouth snapping shut after the word slipped through your teeth and made it’s way to Thrawn’s attention. He smiled at your reply, looking down shyly at his clasped hands before peeking back up, his scarlet gaze piercing right through you. You felt exposed but you didn’t want to hide, he had seen through you many times before.

“Same with me” He seemed to lean in closer through the hologram, you got a sense you were leaning in too and trying to kiss him, but the distant echo of Rebels chatting to each other caused you to whip your head around to the entrance of the comunual showers. Thrawn seemed to hear it as well and his once calm expression was replaced with a disappointed frown. He wasn’t worried of getting caught, he was pissed your time was cut short.

“I have to go” You whispered, looking back to Thrawn with eyes full of reluctance. He nodded once, running a hand through his face and closing his eyes momentarily, you genuinely thought for a second he done that on purpose just to rouse you up, but you brushed it off your shoulder and cleared your throat.

“Till next time, Rcati ton” Thrawn smirked, his fingers still tangled in the back of his scalp as he leaned forward to the holo device to hang up.

“W-wait” You called out just before he hung up, his gaze raised on you once again and he bit back a smile.

“Take care of yourself, for me?” You blushed, head hung low but your eyes were still connected to his. Thrawn’s face softened and he sent you a small curt nod. “Ch'ah tsucarah” He spoke softly, catching you off guard slightly with his sudden use of Cheunh but you chuckled softly in reply.

“Rab nor rah vah k'ir ch'at rihn?” Thrawn tilted his head to the side, his hand playing with the hairs on the back of his neck which stood on edge, he wasn’t anxious, he was just excited at the interaction between you.

“Ch'ah csarcican't, k'ir nah can'a about ch'ah” You chuckled.

“Ch'ah’ll can'a about vah veah ch'otco veah ch'ah ran'as, non ch'pae” Thrawn ushered in a quiet voice, laughing softly as he spoke which made you too laugh.

“Till next time, Mitth’rawn’nuruodo” You nodded, eventually tapping the red button to end the call and feeling a part of yourself leave with Thrawn the moment the bright blue glow of the hologram disappeared, leaving you alone in the refreshers once again and in the unpleasant white light on the ceiling.

-

“So we’ve got squadrons coming in left and right, we should relocate our star fleet to somewhere where the Empire doesn’t find our base” You said in a clear voice to those standing around the holo table, including Kallus and Zeb, who had recently returned from a mission with the Phoenix squadron. Hera was standing nearby, listening into the negotiation which you were the chairman of currently, listening in to people’s different ideas and hopefully coming to a mutual conclusion.

Kallus was recording down everything being said, typing frantically on his data pad and gathering all of the different ideas from everyone so you could look into it after the meeting and hopssully come up with an idea to settle things. He was a busy man, he worked his ass off and you noticed how much he cared for this rebellion.

He never changed throughout the years, even if he was a cold hearted Imperial once, so were you. You had your fair share of horrid deeds that you certainly weren’t proud of, and neither was Kallus. But you Teo seemed to be like two peas in a pod when it came to planning meetings and getting a mutual agreement. He was your right arm, always.

“I think we should take the fleet outside of the outer rim” Someone came forward, a young zabrak female with full suited soldier uniform and a sniper attached to her back.

“That might be a good idea, but the outer rim has more New Republic ally’s than outside of it. Still, I shall record that down- Kallus” You regarded the blonde man standing opposite you at the table, his dark eyes focused on you in a way you couldn’t quite put your finger on. You held your stare on him for a moment longer than necessary, before turning your attention back to the zabrak who smiled at you, grateful you took her suggestion into consideration.

“Any other ideas?” You asked, eyes looking around the table in one quick glance before turning to Kallus who pursed his lips at the sudden silence that fell on the group.

“I-uh, pardon me for asking Senator, but weren’t you at the Senate negotiations on Naboo yesterday?” A young rebel man raised his hand with a polite expression on his face. You tensed at his question and nodded.

“Is it true? Was Grand Admiral Thrawn really there?” Another rebel asked with a peeked interest, desperation to know about the events that took place yesterday, the events you were trying so hard to stop thinking about. Kallus’ eyes widened and he felt himself tense for you, this wasn’t going to end as well as you and him had planned.

“It’s true” You sighed, resting your hands on the edge of the holo table and trying your best not to look too uncomfortable about the conversation.

“Woah, how did you get out?” The same rebel asked with a look of astonishment, but you didn’t budge. Your face stayed stone cold and you exchanged an uneasy glance with Kallus who cleared his throat and adjusted his T-shirt collar.

“Save those questions for later, I need you all to focus on the fleet, please” You insisted, hitting your hand slightly on the table with your teeth clenched.

From afar, Kanan and Hera looked at one another, knowing fine well what was going on in your head the moment Thrawn’s name was mentioned. The two of them heard about the events at the Senate, and how you were the one who managed to get Thrawn to prevent any arrests from happening. There had been chatter around the rebel base, and Hera was fearing for you. If your secrets got out, you would be untrustworthy amongst the rebels. And that was the last thing she wanted for you, especially with Omani by your side.

“Meeting dismissed, I shall look at the suggestions and come up with something, for the time being please go and get some rest, it’s late” You waved away all of the rebels who had joined the meeting, bidding them farewell with smiles and nods of the head. Kallus stayed with you and walked around the table once the rebels were away, resting a hand on your shoulder and waiting for you to say something. Instead of words, you unexpectedly grabbed Kallus and wrapped your arms around him, tears brimming at your eyes and lip quivering as you gripped onto his jacket and sniffed. Kallus froze for a second but placed his data pad on the holo table, wrapping his strong arms around you tight and raising a hand to stroke your head.

“It’s alright, shh...” He soothed, rubbing your back and holding onto you as you fought back an army’s tears that started to spill down your face.

“I’m sorry, it’s just been really stressful recently” You cried softly, holding onto Kallus for dear life as he leaned his chin on the top of your head and closed his eyes, the smallest crease next to his eyebrow as he listened to your sobs.

“You don’t need to apologise for anything, just let it out” He encouraged, continuing to stroke your head and doing his best to comfort you.

Leaning back, you looked up at Kallus with glossy eyes, cheeks stained with fallen tears and face hot with humiliation. Kallus cupped your cheek, studying your face before frowning at your state and sighing.

“What’s got you so worked up? Is it Thrawn?” Kallus asked with calm articulation, his hands keeping you in place as you wiped away your tears and nodded your head weakly. You couldn’t verbally say anything in fears you would start crying, and Kallus seemed to understand that. Beneath the worried expression on his face, he was angry. He knew he was going for the wrong person, he knew you’d never be over Thrawn.

But he loved you, as much as he didn’t want to admit it. Ever since Kallus met you on the grounds of the Imperial Palace 16 years ago, far before you fell pregnant, he was smitten with you. Even if he was a higher rank than you, and trained you, and was meant to see you as a mere soldier and nothing more, Kallus always had a soft spot for you.

“I’m going to regret this” Kallus murmured, right before pressing his lips against yours and causing you to freeze in his arms. Your eyes shot wide open, you weren’t expecting this at all. His actions were so sudden and the feeling of his lips against yours made your brain cloud over with endless thoughts. It was nice being kissed, it always had been, but this wasn’t right.

Even though it wasn’t as good as a kiss from Thrawn, you closed your eyes and kissed him back, maybe just to feel something aside from the stress. You hesitantly cupped Kallus’ cheek and tapped it a few times, signalling for him to pull away. You didn’t want the kiss to go any further, you didn’t want to lead him on, and by the looks of it he knew what he had done was a mistake.

“That was nice” You commented with an assuring smile, stroking his cheek with your thumb and making him chuckle awkwardly at your words.

“I’m sorry, I felt like if I didn’t do that any sooner I’d beat myself up” He hung his head low, frowning and probably mentally strangling himself, but you didn’t like the way he looked so sad. He knew you didn’t feel the same way towards him, maybe you did like Kallus, but you weren’t over Thrawn. Either way, you tilted his chin up and kissed him once more. The blonde man sighed against your lips and closed his eyes momentarily before grabbing your hand and taking it away from his face, eventually pulling back once again and frowning.

“What was that for?” Kallus raised a brow, looking confused but also amused at the same time.

“I wanted to even things out” You smiled, nudging him playfully to try and get rid of some of the tension surrounding you both. He seemed to be pleased by your comment and laughed. The sting of rejection was soothed by your kindness and Kallus realised that you didn’t feel any different about your friendship with him. But still, it hurt.

“Are we gonna have to start giving each other goodnight kisses now? Cuz if so-“ You joked.

“No, don’t be silly- unless that’s what you want of course” Kallus joked back with a relaxing demeanour. You rolled your eyes at his comment and shoved him playfully, eventually bringing him in for a hug once again and feeling shitty for not feeling the same towards Kallus.

“Well that was weird” Hera whispered to Kanan and Zeb who were watching from afar. The two men nodded in agreement, confused stares on their faces as they watched you depart from the ex-ISB agent and make your way to your chambers.

How weird, indeed.

[rushingheadlong]

God (Dream Is Over) Meta Post

Okay, I’ve been saying for literally months now that I was going to make a meta post about Brian’s cover of the John Lennon song “God” (though Brian’s version is usually called “Dream Is Over”) and I finally sat down and did it.

If you’re new to my ramblings, this is Very Long and there’s no tldr, and I’m only a little bit sorry for that. I also didn’t bother tracking down specific citations or quotes for things Brian has said about what the early 90s were like for him because I think most of that is common knowledge at this point anyway.

There’s a TW on this for discussions of Brian’s mental health issues in the early 90s and Freddie’s death. That should be obvious if you’ve heard the song, but if you haven’t listened to it before consider this your warning that there are sad feels ahead.

One final note before we dive in: I’m going to talk a lot in here about the “end of Queen” and I want to be clear that I don’t think the band in any way “died” or ended with Freddie. However in the years immediately following Freddie’s death Brian very much felt that the band was over and this is a sentiment that he, Roger, and John all maintained at least up until the mid-2000s and the start of the collaboration with Paul Rodgers.

So there’s a lot of mentions of “the end of Queen” coming up ahead, and please know that this is only a reflection on Brian’s feelings in the early 90s and not his feelings today (which are clearly different, and it’s absolutely his right to change his mind on this) and certainly not my own opinion on the matter.

Background Information

The original song “God” was written by John Lennon and was released on his first post-Beatles solo album. There’s a wikipedia article on the song <here> and you can listen to it <here> but the short summary of it is that it’s rejection of God and various religions/belief systems, ending with Lennon saying that he only believes in himself and Yoko Ono and distancing himself from who he was with the Beatles.

Brian’s version of the song is less of a cover and more of a total rewrite, if we’re being honest here. There’s two videos of him performing the song: the first is from a New Haven show in October 1993 and the second is from a Milwaukee show also in October 1993. (If the Milwaukee link doesn’t take you to the correct spot in the video, the song appears around 1:33:22 into it.)

AFAIK these are the only two performances of these songs currently out there, unless/until more of the old bootlegs are re-uploaded. The song was exclusively played on Brian’s Back to the Light tour at the beginning of his encore. However due to the set-up of the tour he didn’t always play an encore, so the song doesn’t appear to have been performed very often. Additionally, while Brian played the song at his Live at the Brixton Academy concert it was cut from the album and video release due to copyright issues so there’s no official recording of it.

Brian’s Lyrics and Music

The dream is over, what can I say  The dream is over, yesterday  We were the fab ones, but now it is gone  I was the gentle one, but now I must be strong  And so dear friends we'll just have to carry on  The dream is over 

The dream is over, no matter what they say  The dream is over, it has to be this way  We played in springtime, but now I play in fall  We made the bigtime, but now we are small  And our dear friend let's just hope he still has it all The dream is over 

I don't believe in magic  I don't believe in pain*  I don't believe in heroes  I don't believe in fame  I don't believe the newsprint  I don't believe we're free  I don't believe in pressure  ‘cause I don't believe we're right  I don't believe in torture   I don't believe in fight  I don't believe in color  I don't believe in white**  I don't believe in history  I don't believe in being Queen any more  I just believe in me  Just you guys and me And these guys and me*** And that's reality 

The dream is over Dream on

Some quick notes on the lyrics:

*I’ve seen this line written to end with either “pain” or “games” and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure which one it is. I personally don’t hear the “s” at the end of “games” and lean towards it being “pain”, which is how I’ve interpreted it for this post, but I’ll openly admit that I could be wrong on this point.

**Similarly, I’ve seen this line written to end with “whites” in the plural but again I don’t hear Brian singing an “s” at the end of the word and I’m pretty sure it’s in the singular.

**Occasionally this line and the one before are reversed in written transcriptions of the lyrics, and in the New Haven video it’s hard to hear the “and these guys” line at all. It’s much clearer in the Milwaukee video and you can see him motion to the band better, so the correct order of the lyrics would be “you guys” [the audience] first and then “these guys” [his band] second. 

If you listen to Lennon’s original song, the only lyrics that are really the same are, The dream is over, what can I say / The dream is over, yesterday as well as And so dear friends we'll just have to carry on / The dream is over although Brian changes Lennon’s “you just have to carry on” to “we’ll just have to carry on” - more on this later.

Brian also completely rearranges the song. He scraps Lennon’s opening section entirely, turns the final section into his first verse and extends it into two verses instead of just one, changes the song from being largely a piano piece into being guitar-driven and, in typical Brian May fashion, makes it go a bit heavier towards the middle. You can read the lyrics to Lennon’s song <here> to get a clearer idea of the changes that Brian made in his version.

Background Meta

The first thing to point out is that it makes a lot of sense for Brian to look to John Lennon as a source for this song. Besides the fact that he’s always said that Lennon is a huge musical inspiration for him, the parallels between when the original song was written and the state of Brian’s music career in the early 90s are pretty obvious. Although the circumstances of why Brian was launching his solo career are obviously different than what happened with the Beatles and Lennon, he was still striking out on his own and separating himself from the group that had defined his music up until that point.

It also makes a lot of sense for Brian to use someone else’s music to express his emotions during this time, even if he ultimately rewrote Lennon’s lyrics almost entirely. Brian has said that he always wrote his Queen music knowing that Freddie, specifically, would be singing it, and up until this point he has always been writing music with other people - neither of which were things that were possible with Brian’s new solo career. There’s also some evidence that Brian may have struggled to come up with enough original music on his own to fill his first solo album, since he rounded out the album with a cover song (Rollin’ Over) and added lyrics to two pieces of music written by Cozy Powell (Resurrection and Nothin’ But Blue).

And there's the added fact that Brian was dealing with mental health issues during the late 80s/early 90s, including depression that was so severe that he basically couldn’t function for days at a time. Brian has talked about being so depressed that he couldn’t get out of bed, that he became incredibly suicidal, and, relevant to this discussion, that he lost all ability to write new music for long stretches of time. Given that, it makes a lot of sense that Brian would turn to someone else’s music to help him express the feelings that he wanted to get out.

Finally, there’s the question of why did Brian felt the need to perform this song at all, and I think there’s two reasons for that.

The first is the obvious explanation that it was performed simply to give Brian an outlet for his emotions. Brian has said that his Back to the Light tour functioned as a sort of therapy for him, and even going back to the very beginning of Queen Brian has used his music as a way to express himself and his feelings (think about songs like “Keep Yourself Alive” or “Now I’m Here” as examples). His version of “God (Dream Is Over)” is very much keeping in line with this tendency to use music as a form of therapy.

The second reason is that this song gives Brian a way to distance himself from Queen, which was important to him as he said on multiple points immediately following Freddie’s death that he felt that Queen was over. In later years, he has acknowledged that he really just wasn’t emotionally prepared to deal with Queen matters after Freddie died and that he needed to distance himself from the band while he was grieving.

However, despite this, Brian didn’t have enough solo material to fill out an entire concert and since he was best known as being the “lead guitarist of Queen” it only made sense to fill out his shows with Queen songs. (I have an entire meta post about this subject <here>.) Performing this song was a way to acknowledge his history with and what had happened to Queen after a concert of playing their songs, while also reinforcing that in his mind the band was over and he was moving on from that.

Lyric Analysis - Opening Verses

So, let’s get into actually looking at these lyrics now and first off, we have to point out that while Lennon’s song was generally about a rejection of organized belief systems with a small footnote about him leaving the Beatles at the end, Brian’s song doesn’t mention religion at all and is instead almost entirely about the end of Queen. Brian absolutely poured his heart out into every single word of this song, and it’s not subtle at all.

The opening verses are very clearly and pretty explicitly about Freddie’s death and the resulting end of Queen. Apart from the obvious “the dream is over” being a reference to Queen being over, this also gets reinforced with lines such as We were the fab ones, but now it is gone and We made the bigtime, but now we are small.

It’s worth pointing out, though, that unlike in Lennon’s original song where he frames the ending of the Beatles through the changes in himself, Brian frames the ending of Queen around outside forces (i.e. Freddie’s death) and very clearly states that he feels that the band ending is unavoidable despite anyone’s feelings on the matter. (The dream is over, no matter what they say / The dream is over, it has to be this way)

Also unlike in Lennon’s song, Brian isn’t rejecting Queen even if he’s trying to distance himself from them. The band is over, yes, but Brian’s lyrics are rife with we statements - We were the fab ones and We hit the bigtime. Even when he acknowledges that he’s moved on, he’s still remembering the band as a unit and including himself in that history - We played in springtime, but now I play in fall. 

And, as I mentioned before, there’s the very stark change from Lennon’s You just have to carry on into Brian’s we’ll just have to carry on. Brian doesn’t see himself as leaving a thriving band to “carry on” without him because, in his mind, Queen has already “died” and all of them need to move on with their lives.

I also want to acknowledge the lyric And our dear friend, let’s just hope he still has it all. This comes in the second verse, which Brian added to his version (Lennon only had one of these verses in the original song). Obviously it’s a callback to the And so dear friends from the first verse, but it says a lot about Brian’s state of mind and how Freddie was still at the forefront of his thoughts that he added an entire second verse to really hammer home the demise of Queen and then ends it with a bittersweet reflection that he hopes Freddie “still has it all” even after his death.

Finally, there’s the lyric, I was the gentle one, but now I must be strong which I think is a really interesting moment of self-reflection from Brian. When compared against the “chaos twins” of Roger and Freddie, and even John who got up to some wild shenanigans himself, it’s easy to see why Brian might characterize himself as the quiet and gentle one in the band (and he has been described as a sort of “gentle giant” by others around Queen over the years).

However it’s the second half of that that’s really striking, because it really shows the position that Brian was in following Freddie’s death where he (and Roger, and presumably also John though John stayed away from interviewers more) felt that he needed to stand up for Freddie’s legacy and needed to be “strong” in the face of everything that was said about Freddie and his final years. And, of course, given that he was extremely depressed and suicidal at the time, it’s also worth mentioning that he was being “strong” simply by continuing to live and move forward with his life even when he didn’t want to.

Lyric Analysis - Rejection Statements

Like I mentioned back at the beginning of this post, Lennon’s original song lyrics take the rough format of 1. Criticizing God as a concept 2. Rejecting various religions and belief systems 3. Affirming his belief in himself and Yoko Ono 4. Rejecting who he was with the Beatles. As we discussed in the last section, Brian’s song cuts out the religion entirely and he instead starts by confirming and discussing the end of Queen. 

Following this, though, he returns to Lennon’s original structure with his own "I don’t believe in...” lyrics. His are completely different to Lennon’s, however just like Lennon’s rejections followed on from his opening statements about God I think Brian’s rejections follow from his open statements about Queen and continue to be largely about the band (while also allowing for broader societal interpretations, as many of Brian’s lyrics are designed to have several layers to them).

For the purposes of this post, though, we’re only going to talk about how these lyrics relate to Freddie, Queen in general, and Brian’s own mental health at the time.

I don’t believe in magic / I don’t believe in pain / I don’t believe in heroes / I don’t believe in fame are the four that I really feel are about Freddie. The first two I think are about his death. After seeing Freddie die in the way he did, Brian is stating that he doesn’t believe in magic (because there was no magic cure to save Freddie) and he doesn’t believe in pain (possibly that he doesn’t believe in prolonging someone’s pain, or that he doesn’t understand a world that allows for human suffering more broadly).

The next two lines I feel are Brian reflecting on how meaningless it is to be famous or to be someone’s “hero”. I think part of this is Brian mourning the loss of Freddie and trying to distance himself from what Freddie meant to him in order to distance himself from the grief he feels (because Brian absolutely considered Freddie his hero, as proven by his original plan for his second solo album). And paired with this is Brian’s criticism of “fame” as a concept, because being famous didn’t save Freddie either and, in fact, being hounded by the press only made his final months more difficult than they already were.

This leads into the next line, I don’t believe the newsprint, which is clearly a criticism of the lies the press printed (and were still printing) about Freddie. But the phrasing of this as “newsprint” also hearkens back to the music video for Scandal, and serves as a reminder that the press had been uncharitable towards all of them through the late 80s and early 90s. 

The next line, I don’t believe we’re free may also be referring to Queen specifically (in addition to the broader societal implications). Given that Brian littered his open verses with “we” statements, he could be talking about how they still aren’t “free” from the press even though it’s been nearly two years since Freddie’s death or how they aren’t “free” from the shadow of Queen’s legacy.

Personally, the lyrics I don’t believe in pressure / ‘cause I don’t believe we’re right also make me think of Queen and I do wonder if the use of “pressure” is supposed to be an oblique reference to Under Pressure. Even if it’s not, the “pressure” he could be talking about may be the pressure to return and deal with his Queen obligations, including helping with Made In Heaven, which Brian wasn’t ready to do at this point.

The lyrics I don’t believe in color / I don’t believe in white I don’t think are entirely about race, especially since like I said before I don’t think he’s singing “whites” with an “s” to make it a noun. Personally, I can see this as another commentary on Brian’s mental state at the time and the dark depression he felt that left him feeling like he was living in a bleak and colorless world. (Even if Brian is singing “whites” though, given how his lyrics often have multiple layers of meaning I don’t think this excludes an interpretation of this with regards to his mental health even if it makes the race message more overt.)

The I don’t believe in fight line is another one that I think is about Brian’s depression. Although it certainly connects with the “torture” in the line before, he doesn’t say that he doesn’t believe in war or conflict just that he doesn’t believe in fighting, a sentiment that carries a very different meaning for a man who was depressed to the point of being suicidal.

Going back to the Queen references one more time, we get the one absolutely direct Queen lyric at the very end: I don’t believe in being Queen any more, I just believe in me. As I explained before, Brian is very firmly stating that he believes that Queen is over and he’s moved on from the band. Although these lyrics mirror Lennon’s I do think that there’s some truth to Brian’s statement of I just believe in me. He had some minor conflicts with at least Roger in the early 90s (both of them said uncharitable things about each other’s work outside Queen) and since Brian had walked away from helping them with the Made In Heaven tapes I do think that Brian felt that he was at least somewhat truly alone now.

Even the next line, Just you guys and me is very different from Lennon believing in himself and Yoko Ono. Brian doesn’t tie himself to a relationship, he ties himself to his audience - and, more importantly, he adds an extra line tying himself to his band as well. While I think part of this serves as a general final acknowledgement of the Brian May Band after the larger band introductions earlier in the show, I also think this is Brian’s way of acknowledging that he’s been able to move forward because he has the support of people like Cozy, Spike, Neil, Jamie, etc. even if he doesn’t feel that he has Queen in his corner anymore.

Finally, Brian ends his song by repeating The dream is over one last time but he also adds, Dream on which isn’t in the original Lennon song. Even though Brian has acknowledged Freddie’s death and the end of the Queen dream, his final message is to keep dreaming anyway. It’s possible that he means this as the dream of his solo career, or to keep the dream of Queen’s music alive even after the end of the band… but it’s also possible that he means this as a much more literal dream, since Brian has talked a few times about having dreams of Freddie following his death, and of waking up and just wanting to go back to dreaming of his friend.

Given the ambiguity of the earlier lyric And our dear friend, let’s just hope he still has it all this may be another moment of heartache from Brian who wants to keep “dream[ing] on” about his lost friend because that’s the last connection that he has to Freddie.

And with that, the song ends, and Brian launches into the rest of his encore and the final song of the show with “Hammer to Fall”... but a discussion about that particular song choice is, I think, a meta post for another day. 

[chidoroki]

Emma - 63194

So, it’s August 22nd, otherwise known as the best day of the month because we get to celebrate Emma's birthday! I feel like she doesn't get enough credit, especially as a shōnen protagonist, probably because she's just a normal kid compared to others with overwhelming powers/magic/quirks/etc, but I think that just makes her feats all the more interesting and amazing. So, here I am, ready to praise the hell out of everything she's done, what she's capable of, and who she is on her special day.

(spoilers for the entirety of The Promised Neverland, so if you haven't read/completed the manga yet, consider this your first warning, because I'm literally going from start to finish with this.)

This is gonna be one hell of a long post, so here we go.

- She's one of the smartest kids at Grace Field, alongside Norman and Ray, who all get full scores on the house's daily tests, which is by no means a simple task.

- This is thanks to her ability to learn things quickly, which she puts to the absolute best use throughout the entire story.

- She's undoubtedly the most athletic out of the full-score trio, as she can pull off a leap like this with no issue!

- I gotta give her voice actor credit here because her scream at the end of EP1 is simply fantastic.

- She noticed the windows in the house were screwed shut, which reinforced the idea that the kids were merely raised like cattle. (Ray was also aware of this, of course.)

- Suspects the use of tracking devices. (The anime had Norman voicing this realization, so whoever you want to give the credit for this is up to you.)

- Believe me when I say that her acting skills are top-notch.

- She's so good that she was able to control her emotions enough and even regulated her pulse to fool Isabella.

- This! Just all of this. Her crazy ideals, her never-give-up mentality, her ability to stay optimistic and strong despite everything they're up against.. just amazing.

- She always thinks of her family first. (she honestly rarely cries too, now that I think about it.)

- By using what she overheard from the demons at the gate and the “blood tests” Isabella once told her about, Emma was able to figure out where the tracking devices were located on her own. (Yeah, Ray knew of this too, but he kept that info to himself.)

- She then created a situation that allowed her to confirm this and that yes, Isabella is indeed always checking their trackers.

- It was Emma's idea to train the other children by playing tag. Not only did this help them during the escape, but afterwards as well.

- Takes advantage of every opportunity to learn. (also, the strength she has!)

- Amazing learning ability x2 (I'm aware the manga says 10 instead, but still! I bet she could memorize 100 too!)

- She believes in everyone and makes Norman realize that no one in their family is truly bad and that leaving anyone behind, even the “traitor,” could cost them their life.

- She called Ray out on his bluff about him actually being willing to help everyone escape.

- Then confronted Ray about the possibility of him experimenting on the tracking devices of their siblings, thus resulting in their early shipments, which is something Norman didn't even realize, if his surprised expression is anything to go by. (Emma scolds him and hides her anger well, though she only stays mad for like, a minute.)

- She, along with Gilda, notice Isabella disappear every night after 8pm, leading them to assume the house might contain a secret room. They eventually pinpoint where it's located. (Ray suspects such a room must have existed, but wasn't certain.)

- Introduces the boys to William Minerva's books and the morse code bookplates they held, which the trio all know how to decode and understand. (I know Phil pointed them out to her originally and manga Ray was also aware of them, surprise, but..) the hunch she had about the two special books being important guides for them turned out to be true later on after the escape.

- Accepts her mistakes and is quick to apologize when she's wrong.

- Thank you anime for giving us these wonderful lines.

- Has her leg broken and yet she doesn't shed one damn tear. (the horrific sound still haunts me.) Ah, might as well also mention this now, but her theme, 63194, is one of the best songs on the soundtrack.

- Once again caring about others more than herself, as she was ready to destroy her leg/foot even more if it allowed Norman a chance to escape.

- This absolutely amazing moment right here! Easily one of the best panels of her by far!

- Used what she heard from Krone and spent two months hiding her emotions and plans from Isabella. Learning ability & best actress x10.

- Isabella actually believes this. Seriously, someone give Emma an award. Best actress x50.

- Do y'all know how strong physically, mentally and emotionally this girl must be to cut off her own ear? I know she was in a rush to escape while Isabella was busy with the fire, like she literally had about ten seconds (anime) to remove her tracker, but damn! Not once does she ever cry over it either. May I remind you she's only 11!

- Stops Ray's suicide attempt by catching the match, thus burning her palms.

- It was her idea to let the other kids know of the escape, which helped in proceeding with the preparations behind Isabella's back.

- I love Ray x fire jokes as much as the next person, but we all know who the real pyro is. More props to her voice actor again for the scream that follows!

- Successfully carried out Norman's plan and escaped Grace Field with 14 other children.

(post-season one spoilers beyond this point)

- Keeps her cool in dangerous situations, which helps calm down the younger children. Also fairly knowledgeable of the books from Grace Field's library, such as “The Adventures of Ugo,” which came in handy in the demon forest.

- Remains positive and completely hopeful after learning the truth about the demon world they're living in from Sonju.

- It only took three days for her to become proficient enough in archery in order to hunt successfully. She apparently also knows how to use a harpoon (ch49) (but I don't think we ever see that, sadly). Learning ability x20.

- She also didn't panic when she was held at gunpoint. She stayed reasonably calm and forced her way free instead.

- Didn't even flinch when Yuugo's bullet grazed her cheek.

- Can she just get a round of applause, please?

- Emma is just so fearless. Gun to the head? Knife in her face? Doesn't matter. She'll threaten you right back.

- Kudos to her learning ability yet again x50.

- Her quick reflexes and accuracy are phenomenal.

- Of course, cue the talk-no-jutsu skills that every shonen protagonist is undoubtedly skilled with.

- Even Lewis knows at a first glance that our girl is good. Takes a lot to receive praise from this demon.

- Offers herself up as bait to lure the poachers away from the other children.

- Literally cares for anyone, as she helped countless kids she didn't even know during her first hunt at Goldy Pond by keeping them safe.

- Thanks again to her knowledge of the “The Adventures of Ugo” novel, she was able to locate the memory chip for the pen that contains information about Minerva's supporters, the paths to cross over to the human world, Goldy Pond, The Seven Walls and Project Lambda 7214.

- The damn skill she has in handling guns in the matter of two weeks is astonishing.. and she's still only 11.

- Informed the Goldy Pond kids on how to accurately aim for the demon’s center eye, which greatly helped them take out the poacher Nouma.

- She has the audacity to taunt Lewis right back and I love her for it. She also offered to stay behind in order stall Lewis on her own, despite knowing he's the most dangerous of the poachers.

- When the talk-no-jutsu towards the crazy demon fails, she summons a wide array of guns against him, because why the hell not, right?

- She once admitted that she was no good at reading an opponent's moves, but after watching many people in her life who are skilled in such a way (Norman, Ray, Isabella, Krone) and thanks to the knowledge she recently leanred about Goldy Pond, she manages to catch Lewis off guard and electrocute him. Her level of adaptability is wonderful. Learning ability x100.

- Can we all just take a moment to obsess over Emma's Goldy Pond outfit because it is fucking fantastic! She just looks so damn good! (I owe Demizu my life for this.)

- Actually manages to get Yuugo to call her by her real name after he was so adamant to no learn them or get attached to the kids.

- This bright smile adds five years onto my life.

- She’s the first to notice the disadvantage demons have with regeneration, which ultimately leads to their winning strategy against Lewis.

- She somehow survives this. (plot-armor, I know, but goddamn!)

- Now presenting, the exact moment I fell in love with Emma, because holy fucking shit! Not only does she survive getting stabbed like that, but she gets back up and continues fighting! Can I get a big ol' HELL YEAH!!

- She busts out the pistol with the trick shots she's kept hidden this entire time until the very right moment, effectively taking Lewis by surprise and granting Yuugo a clear shot to his middle eye as the demon stands defenseless against the shower of bullets.

- Emma's influence over everyone else is so powerful. We see it many times throughout the story, but because of her, they all accept that the impossible is possible, everyone is worth saving, and to never give up. This is especially amazing to witness in scenarios with Ray, since Krone once said that his weakness was that he's "a little quick to give up. He makes a decision fast but abandons other just as quickly."

- Because of everyone's assistance, they were able to destroy Gold Pond and rescue over 60+ kids, which probably wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Emma presence at the hunting ground in the first place.

- Not to discredit Ray, because I'm sure he did a fine job of cauterizing Emma's wounds, but she did survive a day and a half with a low blood count. (She was unconscious, sure, but her body didn't give up either.)

- Finally wakes up from her coma a month later and the first thing she's concerned with is the safety of everyone else.

- I swear, this girl has a heart of gold, but we knew that already.

- Doesn't let her missing ear hinder her at all, just adjusts how it would function normally in her daily life.

- Memorized the many maps found in the shelter's reference room alongside her siblings. Learning ability x125.

- She's capable of taking out three wild demons in the matter of seconds. Accuracy and speed on point still on point.

(Ah post-timeskip, just a little over halfway done now.) - Will not hesitate to jump in and save someone, regardless of the danger to herself.

- No 13 year-old should have this amount of pressure on their shoulders, but I'll be damned, she handles this and so much more well.

- She pushes aside her own anxieties over losing the shelter, those two boys and possibly Yuugo and Lucas and decides to lift the spirits of everyone else instead.

- Y'all see this demon? Do you think she cares? Not one bit! All that matters is her family's safety and she'll do anything to preserve that. We stan one reckless girl.

- Doesn't cry over the deaths of Yuugo and Lucas (at least, I don't think she does? She appears more frustrated here than upset.)

- She can pick up on how others are feeling, even if they're trying to hide it. (also does so several times to Norman (ch30, 128,153) and even to Yuugo (ch64))

- Is the first to volunteer to sneak into the mass production farm guarded by demons in order to retrieve the medicine Chris needs.

- Honey, how are you not screaming for you life right now?

- Official translation has Hayato saying “The Boss is saying he wants to meet you,” but I feel like this unofficial one here conveys the exchange between Emma and Oliver better. Their large family has children who are older and more experienced as a leader than Emma, but they all choose to follow her.

- Just a casual reminder of how strong our girl is. (She even beats out Ray and Don in terms of strength too.)

- I probably only find this impressive because I love my sleep, but she wakes up at 6 in the morning. Always. Without fail. For thirteen years. Then panics the one time she actually oversleeps.

- She knows every life is precious, no matter who or what they are. Also doesn’t want to follow Norman's civil war plan, which is good, because damn that's a bit extreme. Doing so would only create more fear and hatred.

- Say it louder.

- LOUDER!

- Agrees to go and find out more about The Seven Walls in hopes to stop Norman's plan, despite the many risks. Can she really arrive at TSW? What's actually there? Could she even make a new promise? Will she be able to return afterwards? There's a bunch of unknowns, but that won't stop her. (“Simple?” “It is simple.” That line kills me every time.)

- TSW proved to be very mentally exhausting but she and Ray did survive all the craziness they faced while trapped there.

- Due to her unique way of thinking, she managed to remain sane and was able to figure out how TSW worked, which is something even Ray couldn't quite comprehend.

- Because of that, she was then able to finally meet the bastard demon god.

- Thus allowing her to..successfully.. make a new promise. (Ahhh)

- Best actress x500 (damn damn damn!)

- Honestly, have they practiced this before or is her athleticism just that superior? Either way, she never fails to surprise me.

- Isn't afraid to speak the truth and put one of her best friends in their place.

- But manages to (somehow) forgive him, after his plan successfully killed the queen, the demon royals and poisoned the capital city, which forced the nearby demons to degenerate.

- Her optimism knows no bounds.

- She & everyone else were able to infiltrate Grace Field which is not only guarded by demons but the Ratri clan as well.

- Just how? I know your athletic but wow!

- The woman who shipped out so many of Emma's siblings and broke her leg now holds a gun to her face and yet our girl doesn't look panicked in the slightest. Girl, how are you so brave?! Holy shit. There's no fear in those eyes, only anger.

- AND she ends up forgiving her! After learning Isabella betrayed Peter and realizing that all the mothers and sisters are also fighting for their freedom, Emma gladly accepts Isabella's assistance. (Best mother daughter moment I've ever seen.)

- The entire talk-no-jutsu she pulls on Peter in ch172. She's angry, even downright hates the Ratri, but she refuses to get revenge for all the trouble they've caused to her family and friends by killing Peter. She admits the clan's actions can never be forgiven, but she still shows sympathy because she knows they were also suffering due to the world and roles they were born into.

- We find out that Emma worded the promise perfectly which allows every human raised as food to cross over into the human world. Truly thinking of everyone as per usual.

- She kept her promise to Phil and came back for him and the rest of the children she had originally left behind at Grace Field.

- Again, showing no hesitation to save someone she barely knows, even when unarmed.

- Pretty sure I was in literal tears at this point of the chapter, so kudos to her for making me bawl my eyes out. Aahh, she's just so forgiving and her heart is so big.

- Best actress x9999 (*screaming internally*)

- SHE LITERALLY SACRIFICES HER OWN HAPPINESS SO EVERYONE IMPORTANT TO HER CAN LIVE IN PEACE AND BE HAPPY!!

- She loves her family so deeply that even without her memories, her heart still remembers them. (it makes me cry too, hun, it's okay.)

- She has a heart literally made of solid gold. Of course she can't refuse the bastard's reward, but still accepts it with a smile on her face knowing that all humans and demons, of the present and future, can now live freely without any fear. She completely ended the tragedy that persisted the last 1,000+ years and changed the world like she set out to do back in ch4. Sweetheart please, you're anything but selfish.

- She has the most precious family on the planet. Her influence was so strong that they searched endlessly for two years just to see her again, by never giving up or doubting her words back in ch178. They're beyond happy when they do finally find her and are a bunch of sweethearts who accept her no matter what.

- Ahh, I just really love Emma okay? She's honestly one of the few protagonists I actually enjoy. Happy Birthday again to this all-around amazing girl and I can't wait to see her in action in future anime seasons!!

(congrats, you've made it to the end. i apologize if i missed any other moment worth mentioning, but yeah, i think this is enough for now.)

[radramblog]

Radiohead Retrospective Part 4: We’ve got heads on sticks

Your name is Thom Yorke. You’ve just released what is considered one of the best albums of the 90s, if not of all time, and you’ve achieved a level of fame that at least one band member considers akin to the Beatles. Through the release of OK Computer, you’ve proven that even if people are pretty much over Oasis at this point, British rock bands still rule the airwaves. You’re also stressed the fuck out over just about all of this, and having a very hard time accustoming to the life of a celebrity- let alone the usual mental health issues.

What will you do?

Apparently, the answer was to write the fourth album to be as far away from the previous few as possible, seeking influence from IDM groups like Aphex Twin, jazz stuff, and just some bizarro instruments and experimentation and leaving a lot of the “rock” stuff behind. The primary genre listed for Kid A is usually Electronica or Ambient, with various off-kilter rock subgenres lagging behind, crying “you’re still gonna do guitars and stuff, right?”

Well…not as much anymore. But this era of Radiohead, this career-suicidal swerve, still proved monumentally successful, and showed that the band still had it, and that sometimes artistic risks do pay dividends.

A side note: I usually link music videos for the tracks I discuss as part of each post, as you’ll have seen in previous parts of this series. Kid A, however, doesn’t have any singles, and it sure doesn’t have any music videos. So…maybe just listen yourself. I’m probably in over my head here anyway.

I think the first 5 notes of Everything In Its Right Place are some of the most iconic in all of music.

Some personal background- Kid A was the first Radiohead I ever listened to. A particular cool and good mate of mine was a fan in high school, but I’d never listened to them at all, and I trusted his opinion musically, so I went to buy one of their CDs the next time I was at the shop. And for whatever reason, the cheapest one was Kid A at 10 bucks, and I didn’t want to gamble more than that, so that’s the one I got.

So the opening notes of Everything In Its Right Place were the first Radiohead I ever heard. And considering how much I obsessed over this band, in high school and beyond, it’s no surprise that this song is one of my favourites.

Not only did this song introduce me to Radiohead, it was effectively a gateway track for electronic music in general. This was the early 10s, and the majority of what I knew as electronic stuff was the EDM that was drowning the airwaves at the time. I hated that stuff out of principle, because being a hipster like that was definitely a personality. I don’t think I would ever have gotten into Vaporwave, into IDM, or into any electronic music the way I eventually would were it not for Everything In Its Right Place.

Now that I’ve spent 250 words talking about myself and not the actual song, we should probably stop that. Everything In Its Right Place is defined by this steady build of layering vocals and effects onto the relatively calm synth line, distorted vocals and word salad lyrics and manipulated noises growing and getting more chaotic before it just stops- the vocals fade out, the effects drop, and you’re left with the synth line- except it’s been slowly changing itself the whole time, and you don’t realise because you’ve been distracted by everything else at the same time.

It’s worth noting (and I don’t know if this was the case with OK Computer, because I don’t have an original copy of that one) that this was an album without liner notes, without the lyrics in the cover booklet. But at least in this case, the lyrics don’t matter as much as the v i b e. At least, that’s what I think.

On the topic of unintelligible lyrics, Kid A has a title track! I believe literally two Radiohead albums do this, the other being The Bends (though Hail to the Thief and In Rainbows do appear as lyrics). The song itself is an ambient, quiet piece that feels something like a twisted nursery tune- incredibly affected vocals, a syncopated (?) percussion, and a synth (I think???) that…I don’t know how to describe it, but it feels nursery-rhyme-y. If you’ve heard this song a few times, or you know what to listen for, you can piece together the lyrics somewhat- and they are, frankly, kind of unsettling. What is standing in the shadows at the end of your bed, can it please leave? And imagery of the Pied Piper is always either extremely silly or extremely unnerving, with this clearly leaning towards the latter. There’s a lot going on here- especially for a track most probably wouldn’t listen to outside the context of the full album. I know I generally don’t- not the kind of thing I generally am in the mood for.

 We’re at 850+ words, and we’re only up to The National Anthem? Fuuuuck. Well, anyone who wasn’t on board the IDM train can at least appreciate this one more, it’s got an actual bassline. A killer one, at that, that drives the whole track. Well, you know, that and the B R A S S. Seriously, it sounds like they invited a marching band to this bad boy. The combination ends up sounding mostly like controlled chaos, a jazz band traffic jam wound together by that B A S S. But the bass can’t hold it forever, and eventually that shit breaks free and just, it just honks all over the place.

I’m frustratingly running out of things to say about this song I really like, as opposed to the other songs I really liked. Unfortunately, ya boi forgot to take his neurotypicalification pills today, and so I’m getting very distracted. Hopefully, that slightly unhinged nature suits the album somewhat.

The next song, How To Disappear Completely, is a Big Mood with a fun story attached. The main lyrics- I’m not here, this isn’t happening- were allegedly something none other than Michael Stipe from R.E.M. told Thom to help him deal with that massive stage fright that came with Getting Big. Fun trivia aside, this song is gorgeous, luscious with massive strings, an acoustic bend, aethereal vocals, and a background drone running through the thing that makes sure your hair is always a little on end through the thing. It’s a song whose lyrics are an attempt to escape anxiety, whose instrumentation serves more to reinforce it- a calm, melodic piece that builds into nervous swells and threatening strings. A song about fighting your fear, and losing.

Fuck me it’s a bit depressing isn’t it. It’s potentially the most emotionally revealing song the album has- a lot of the lyricism on other tracks is more metaphorical, or subtle, but the meaning in How To Disappear Completely is evident even just from the title. You get lost in the strings and they go from calming, to imposing, to downright menacing (and then back again) in the song’s final minute.

Treefingers, on the other hand, has a lot less to say, and by that I mean it’s an instrumental. A very atmospheric, ambient one, and thereby one I don’t have a lot to say about. I’m not sure I’m particularly good at commenting on regular music, but this kinda thing is a whole different animal. I have no idea how to interact with discussing this. I like it? I will say, that one note right at the end, that echoes for a bit, the one piece of clarity in this muddled, reverbed sphere, feels especially poignant, for reasons I cannot describe.

We go from ambient instrumental to arguable the most rock-song-like track on this album, Optimistic, certified banger that it is. Some might argue that it doesn’t fit here, but like, did they even hear the lyrics? The bridge? It more that deserves its place on one of the best albums around. The little way the guitar scales up during the chorus is excellent, the proggy drums and riffs are glorious, it’s just a very good rock song.

Also this is the first song with the lyric “dinosaurs roaming the earth”, which, aside from being a bit of a non-sequitur, would return two albums later. And I’m really looking forward to that one.

In Limbo is a song I kind of always forget exists until I hear it again. It’s antimemetic, the way the song goes slipping from my mind until I hear those opening notes again. I’m going to be honest, it’s probably because it’s also the most mid song on the album. Far from bad, but it isn’t doing anything that How to Disappear Completely or Optimistic aren’t doing better. If I had to remove any track from this album, it might be this one?

Watch me get fucking lynched from the fandom for that one, if I ever post this to r/Radiohead or whatever. Which I might, though as much as I’d like more people to read my things I’m also extremely anxious about the potential response. Like the album I’m discussing today, I’m terrified of fame.

Incidentally, In Limbo is also the shortest track on the album (Treefingers beats it by 11 seconds), though this isn’t initially obvious online at least, because people keep messing with Motion Picture Soundtrack. But we’re not there yet, hang on.

We go from the forgettable (to me) In Limbo to the utterly mesmerizing Idioteque. Anxious but danceable, confusing but emotive, messy but tightly controlled. I love this fucking song to death. The reason I got the particular Radiohead poster that I did was because it has lyrics from this on it.

I’ve heard that lyrics for this album were largely pulled from a hat, and nowhere is that more clear than here (or maybe Everything In Its Right Place). Despite this, there’s a pretty clear theme in them, a continuation of some of the themes of this and the last albums. A condemnation of wealth and cowardice in the face of ecological disaster. In the form of an apocalypse disco.

What a lot of people don’t know about this track is that it actually samples an extremely old electronic music piece- one written in 1973, on a particularly old computer. The track, mild und leise, is a very interesting track considering its age- I’m reminded of Selected Ambient Works by Aphex Twin- not so much musically, but about how that reason was as influential as it was because it was the first time songs had sounded like that, because it was the first time songs could sound like that- I suppose it’s somewhat similar in that way, if older. These pieces and their composers inexorably linked by the allure of technology, and how that could be used to define new eras in music history- in Radiohead’s case, it certainly defined the next few albums in their lifespan.

Jesus mild und leise is long, it’s still going as I write this. I need to get back to Kid A, man!

Idioteque leads directly into Morning Bell, admittedly another less memorable song. Largely percussion lead, plenty of falsetto, and with a very unsubtle theme if you listen to the lyrics. I recall seeing someone saying that “cut the kids in half” was a really surprising and spooky line, and, yeah, sure, it sort of is, but it’s only particularly bad if you don’t pay attention for the rest of it. It’s about divorce, dude, it’s not subtle.

Or apparently not, according to one interview, but Thom said the interpretation isn’t invalid, so haha still winning baybeeeee.

I think the only part of this I really can’t do without is the outro, because the last minute and a half of this song is really cool. The mumbled lyrics go really well with the rising percussion and eerie effects that end the track.

Our final song is Motion Picture Soundtrack, or, Exit Music (for Walt Disney’s Depression Nap). This and Street Spirit I think are what really cement Radiohead’s reputation for brutal closers, both of them being tragic but hauntingly beautiful in different ways. In this case, it’s the instrumentation- glittering harps attempting the echo 50s Disney. There’s actually a version of this song from the OK Computer era with extremely different instrumentation, piano rather than organ, and no harps (and a third verse that is utterly brutal). Regardless, this is the song they chose to close the apocalypse that Kid A is on- the final lyric being “I will see you in the next life”, as the glittering echoes into the night. Poignant and tragic, but a little hopeful- the next life hopefully won’t have the struggles and pain of this one.

And then, of course, there’s the hidden track. Nicknamed Genchildren by some (that’s just the username of the dude who uploaded it to Napster back in the day), officially known as Untitled, and the true closer to the album. With Spotify slapping it right at the end of Motion Picture Soundtrack, it’s not clear the true nature of this song- it’s actually hidden on the original album, after several minutes of silence, just long enough that you’ve forgotten you left the player running (or you’re still crying from Motion Picture Soundtrack). I don’t think there’s a real word for what this sounds like other than heavenly, and incredibly brief piece I’ve heard compared to the pearly gates. After all, if we end on “I will see you in the next life”, then what can this be but that?

 Thus closes Kid A, a gorgeous and powerful album, yet an insane swerve for any rock band to pull, not just Radiohead. A bold strategy, and yet it paid off for them- Kid A would not only be massively influential, it was also massively successful both critically and commercially- but not to the standard of OK Computer before it. But they obviously weren’t trying to do OK Computer part 2, just as that album was deliberately not The Bends part 2.

Kid A would pretty much get a Part 2, though, less than a year later. And it’s that album we’ll be discussing next week, obviously. Until then.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #423

“i won’t think about you when i’m older  /  ‘cuz we never really had our closure”

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? Neither. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No. Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? My late grandmother's husband stayed overnight when he was driving from New York to Florida or the other way around, idr. How many long term relationships have you been in? Two. Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? My snake's heat lamp stays on. Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? My dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I don't think I've even heard one of her songs. Do you know your blood type? A-. Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. Have you got your period at the moment? I haven't had my period since I started TMS. It's honestly so fucking frustrating that it obviously had an effect on my body, but not my depression. I've officially finished TMS as of a few days ago and now I just feel so void of hope. Have you ever been pregnant? No. How old were you when you first went on a plane? Idr, I was a little kid. Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Not me personally, but my parents have for my education that I threw away. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes. I don't see my dad a lot, but he's still in my life regardless. When was the last time you went apple picking? I’ve never been. Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? Happiness. Have you ever been drunk at school or work? I have not. How many bedrooms are in your house? Three. Are you smart about computers? Not really, no. Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? Yes. My sister loved them, so we have a few. Do you own a Xbox 360? No. I'm a PlayStation girl. Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? No. I'd be mortified. So, do you need a nap? I really should take one. I slept like... maybe three hours last night. I was up most of the night having a fucking life crisis. What would you rather be doing? Something fun. What sport are you the best at? I haven't touched any sort of sport since I was a teenager. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you complain a lot? Kind of, but I generally try to keep it in surveys nowadays. I'm just tired of shit. Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? Ohhh, tough pick, but I've gotta say the ancient temple. Do you like fruity or minty gum? Both, really. Are you looking forward to any day of this month? Well July is practically over, so I'll answer for August. I'm looking forward to my nephew's birthday. Have you ever gotten detention? A few times for getting too many morning tardies in high school. Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? Definitely. Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? Powerwolf did recently. Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I could write a college-length essay on why meerkats do not make good pets whatsoever. Do fucking not get one. I can barely fathom how it's legal in some countries. Ever cried so much you threw up? No, but I've gagged. Who is your best guy friend? Girt. What do you two do when you hang out? Mostly just watch TV and play board games. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? I dunno, really. Do you even like horror movies? I love horror movies. Do you live in the country? I wish I still did. :/ Me and Mom hate hate hate living in these suburbs. What is your favorite accent? British. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Pepsi is gross. What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? I was literally in the psych hospital for my 21st birthday lmao. It's kind of a painful memory, but I also won't forget the love and kindness people showed me. I especially remember the friend I made there getting the lunch lady to literally go and buy me a slice of cake. Everyone also sang happy birthday to me and gaaaah I'm getting emotional. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? That was my dad's drink of choice when he drank. Do you take a lot of pictures? Unless I have my camera and am somewhere pretty, no. What kind of face wash do you use? Water, lol. Does drama always seem to follow you? Nah. Does anybody in your family race? No. Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom. How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” Uhhh... I want to say $2 or something? I might be way off, idr. How long do you want to live with your parents? I WISH I could have moved out with an s/o already, but that's just not how life's worked out. Do you have a laptop or desktop? I have a laptop. Do you like your parents? I love them. Do you secretly like someone? It's not a secret, no. Would you ever date your best male friend? Tried that once and it didn't work out. I liked him more as like a brother. What are you currently listening to? "Better Than Me" by Hinder. I really need to turn it off, but I can't make myself. Do you want to be single? I really wish I had a partner to love and motivate me to strive to do better, but I know it's better I'm single right now. I'd just relive the Jason situation, I'm sure. I'd just drag the person down and lose them. Did you go out or stay in last night? I'm almost always at my fucking house not doing shit, so. Have you pretended to like someone? No, that sounds pretty stupid... How is your heart lately? Hurting. A lot. Are you wearing socks? I hate wearing socks and I'm in bed anyway, so no. What do people call you? Britt, mostly. Do you get stressed out easily? VERY. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What is wrong with you right now? Where the hell to begin. Do you own something from Hot Topic? A lot. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? With someone, so long as the bed is big enough to comfortably fit two of us. Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No. I'm certain he wants nothing to do with me. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Sadly. Did you get any compliments today? Definitely not. I look and feel like a wreck right about now. There's nothing to praise me about. Have you ever gone to a beach? Many times. What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? Unless it was an edible, no. I'd do almost anything to try and make me feel better right now, even if just for a little while, but I'm unwilling to smoke anything. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? HELL no. Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Honestly, no. Do you have long nails? No; I never do because I have an awful habit of picking at them. Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. Do you generally look nice in photos? HA. Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? No. What colour are your father’s eyes? They're dark brown. If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? Ozzy, duh. Name three facts about your family? We're very, very spread out geographically, some of us (in other words, me) are emotionally distant, and uh... idk. Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? Only if it was a certain person, our lives were more on track, and we were making plans for either of us to move soon. What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received? Probably this really long letter my mom wrote for me on my bday a couple years ago. What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? I played the flute for many years, all through middle school and through much of high school. Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? Carve pumpkins, for sure. Do you think you’re important? I don't fucking know. Probably not. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Idk. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? *hands over thick book* Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. My hands are way, way too shaky to ever accomplish that. Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. What was the first thing you ate today? Well, I was seriously depression-eating last night, way past midnight, and had a peanut butter sandwich. If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? LET'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT RIGHT NOW. If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? "Falling apart." I've lost direction, motivation, strength, hope, just everything. What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? I need a fucking shower so bad that it's embarrassing. I just can't move. I have no energy, emotionally or physically. I just can't make myself do it. Is there anything that you wish you could take back? So, so badly. What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? Actually reaching goals. Losing weight. Healing my legs. Knowing with certainty that I wasn't emotionally abusive to Jason. Moving out of this town and back into the country. Financial stability. A job I thoroughly enjoy. I could go on, but let's not. If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? God, let me take back shit I said in that fucking letter to you-know-who. It's so hard to believe I once thought it perfectly justified and realistic. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't have any plans of changing the style in the foreseeable future. I want to color it BADLY. To just SOMETHING. Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? I'm like, a lightning-fast typist. Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ No; my best friend in HS was, though. Her GPA was fucking insane. I was in the top percentile, though, so I was up there. What the hell happened to that girl. How many drugs are in your system? If we're including prescriptions, a whole hell of a lot. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Jack shit. Like usual. Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. Do you call anyone baby? Excluding my pets, no. What’s your current mood? lol if you've gotten this far reading, you can make an educated guess. Do you think you are a good person? Bro I just don't know. What were you doing before filling out this survey? I was playing WoW. How late did you stay up last night? Like, 4:30 or so. When was the last time you cried really hard? I wanna say like a week ago? Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No. It still badly needs a trim, though.

[razberryyum]

My Two Cents on the Ending of The Untamed/陈情令

From chapter 111 of MDZS (novel translation by Exiled Rebels Scanlations):

“It was what he hoped all this time. Each to their own path. But now that the day really came, watching Wen Ning and Lan SiZhui’s figures walk slowly, slowly away until they finally disappeared, he felt somewhat dejected.

Lan WangJi was now the only one who stood by his side. Luckily, Lan WangJi was also the only one he wished to have by his side.”

(spoilers for novel, episode 50 and ending of Guardian, Eternal Love, I Will Never Let You Go, and Story of Minglan)

If I’m going to be honest, part of me wishes the show had ended with that scene above. That would have been, imho, a PERFECT ending because it would have been an obvious one. We wouldn’t have to think any further about if they actually did reunite at the end, if that white glimmer in Wei Wuxian’s eyes is indeed the figure of Lan Wangji, etc etc.  

Now before I say anything further, for the record, I am freaking GRATEFUL we got the ending we got…especially the original Tencent version. Even though the WeTV version is a little more questionable, fact remains things could have been so much worse. I mean, God, imagine if we were left with THIS as the last image we ever see of The Untamed.

Or this:

The fact that Team 陈情令 took it one step further and gave us Lan Zhan’s “Wei Ying” followed by WWX’s glorious, teary-eyed smile is already a straight-up miracle. But, because I’m a lazy ass by nature, I wish I could have shut off my brain and just be spoon-fed a definitive ending that would have left me completely satiated, and that’s really the only reason why I wish they had ended the show at the scene where WWX and LWJ sad their goodbyes to Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui. Plus, there’s just something a little more satisfying about seeing our two leads together as a couple on screen one last time.  A teeny tiny bitter part of me knows that had WangXian been a m/f couple, we would’ve undoubtedly gotten that last shot of them together, much like we did for the main couple in shows like Eternal Love or I Will Never Let You Go or Story of Ming Lan or basically any other c-dramas with happy endings and a hetero couple at its core (which is like, what 99% of the c-dramas anyway? And sorry for spoiling those shows). But I know, censorship, I understand, so I should stop beating that dead horse and just be glad what we got. I mean, I’m still suffering from PTSD due to Guardian’s ending so trust me when I say I am entirely thankful.  

After all, from a thematic point of view, it’s not like the ending doesn’t make sense; it actually does. The idea of both WWX and LWJ living clear of conscience has been reiterated time and again throughout the show, so the fact that LWJ would decide to abide by his duties instead of going off and having fun with WWX does indeed go along with the values established for him. In fact, one might say that during the 16 years of WWX’s absence, he was probably acting the most out of character since he seemed to have more or less shirked his duties as Gusulan Sect’s esteemed Hanguan-Jun. As Jiang Cheng mentioned in the second episode, LWJ has spent most of the past 16 years time just wandering the world, looking for someone, which of course we know who. Even Jin Guangyao mentioned that he never attended any of the big cultivation meetings. So for the past decade and a half Lan Zhan’s really been just living his own life, off on his own quest, and probably leaving all the major responsibilities of his sect to his brother and uncle. Now that WWX is back and the main villain is conquered, I can see how his guilt at abandoning his duties might have finally caught up with him and he realizes he might have some amends to make. After all, his uncle’s old and constantly spitting up blood, and his brother—dear poor Xichen who just makes my heart HURT when I think about him—is definitely in no condition to become Chief Cultivator. I thought about Jiang Cheng briefly, but he’s probably in the same unstable emotional state as Lan Xichen at this point. Hell, Lan XiChen, Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling should probably all sign up for some intense group therapy; can’t imagine how they could even function otherwise considering the emotional battering they just went through.  

Anyway, getting back to the role of Chief Cultivator, in the novel, it was implied that Nie Huaisang was gunning for that position, but honestly, I actually thought that was a bit odd in the book because even though we know he’s the mastermind behind everything, it’s hard to imagine that he would want to step up to the plate and be in the limelight instead of staying in the shadows as he has been doing. I actually think the drama’s change to his ending made more sense.  Not to mention, since most of the cultivation world has known him as the know-nothing coward, if he were to suddenly do a 180 and become this strong, intelligent, assertive person, wouldn’t people be pretty suspicious of him as a person and be too wary to follow him? For better or worse, LWJ IS indeed the best candidate for that position at this specific moment in time. The scene at Lotus Pier where the other sects found out about Jin Guangyao’s heinous activities was illuminating in more ways than one since it also showed how wishy-washy and easily influenced the majority of the other sects were. Those guys are a bunch of dumbasses who need to be led, otherwise, if left to their own devices, the cultivation world would be in total chaos.  

I also appreciated the fact that even though WWX looked downright heart-broken when he realized LWJ wasn’t going to explore the world with him (yet), it seems like he had actually stayed with Lan Zhan until he became Chief Cultivator, which probably didn’t happen overnight. I’m assuming this based on WWX’s wardrobe change from their scene with Sizhui and Wen Ning. I think it’s sweet that despite his disappointment, he still stayed with him for a bit.

The logic part of their parting holds water, but it’s the emotional part that I’m not entirely sold on. I mean, what the show is essentially trying to tell me is that a man who looks at Wei Ying like this:

And this…

And this….

…would actually be ok with being separated from him? Again? Yeah. Right. Siubian.

Just the thought of Wei Ying having no one to protect him now from all the scary fluffy puppies of the world is probably enough to keep Lan Zhan up at nights. In terms of the bond between WWX and LWJ as it was established in the show—not even getting into how they are in the novel because then the notion of them separating would be downright ridiculous—it is pretty hard to accept that LWJ would be ok being away from Wei Ying. Even if the call of duty is loud, the siren song of WangXian has to eventually overpower everything else. The question is when, of course, and even though Wei Ying goes through yet another wardrobe change by the last scene, I can’t imagine that much time passed…I would like to think no more than just a year or two. At a certain point, LXC, being the generous, loving, understanding older brother that he always is, would probably realize how much LWJ misses WWX and offer to take over the Chief Cultivator role from him. But big bro does need time to emotionally recover so I think a year or two is a fair timespan. It’s not enough time for LXC to heal completely of course, God knows a decade probably would still not be enough for that, but a year or two probably would allow him to at least be able to pretend to be fine enough to function somewhat normally again. Ugh. Again, poor big bro.

Actually, if I think about it, one thing good about Wei Ying and Lan Zhan being separated for a short time is that this time around, WWX can be the one missing and pining after LWJ instead.  I can easily imagine him making detailed mental notes of every place he has visited and everything he’s done that is fun for when he finally reunites with Lan Zhan, he can take him through all of his journeys so that they can then experience together what he had to experience alone during their time apart.  

I also like that when Wei Ying hears his name being called, he actually looks shocked…

…which clearly indicates he never expected Lan Zhan to appear at all, which means they didn’t plan this reunion, that Lan Zhan just magically found Wei Ying again. That is seriously so romantic. I’m sure Lan Zhan kept tabs on Wei Ying’s whereabouts all the time, I refuse to believe that he wouldn’t at least do that, but still, that hilltop looked pretty out there in the wilderness so it’s truly beautiful that he still managed to pinpoint where Wei Ying was to surprise him. Or maybe the energy he shared with Wei Ying acts as a sort of GPS now so he can always easily find the other man no matter where he is? That’s romantic too.  

So at the end of the day, I feel pretty satisfied and content. Since I fell in love with the show, I’ve literally been on pins and needles worrying about how the show will end, if Team CQL would somehow lose their minds and just screw everything up or be forced to screw everything up because of censorship. I can finally breathe easy now…well, somewhat…there’s still movies to worry about, but I’m just a worrywart by nature. With their splendid track record so far, I’m sure Team CQL will continue to deliver and make us happy in terms of WangXian.

“After we went to travel the world together everything was spread into the world as ‘rumors say’”.- from WWX’ character song 曲尽陈情 (“Songs end with Chen Qing”)

“With you by my side, I hope you’ve been well since the last time we’ve met”.  -from LWJ’s character song 不忘 (“Won’t Forget”).

[eunahfmdarchive]

loveholic - partial lyrics & partial composition credit.  date: sometime within the first two weeks of july. word count: 806, not including lyrics. mentions of @fmdhanjae. pretty bad but i need to get something out for eunah’s activity before i go away for the next couple of days. 

eunah has only written one proper love song in her short career so far, and even that was buried beneath layers of nerves and apprehension. but what she feels now isn’t a crush. it’s not love either. it’s altogether too soon for it to be love. it’s something between the two. more than a crush, but not quite love.

she figures that directness is the best way to hanjae’s heart. they’ve spent enough time dancing around the subject anyways, and half of the other songs already set to be on her upcoming album were partly written with that crush in mind. she’s not usually one to be too literal in her lyrics, but an undeniable warmth shoots through her, sitting in her usual writing spot on her windowsill and the words start to flow.

i sit on the windowsill on a happy night i thought about it about you and me i want to know our path now

behind closed eyes, the obvious moment she plays over and over again is when they met outside at the wellness retreat. the real beginning, in her opinion. she thought so hard about whether she should even go to meet him, if the timing was right, and most importantly, if either of them knew what they were getting into. contrary to charm’s image, he’s not perfect boyfriend material, and eunah, all sharp edges and whirring thoughts, is far from anyone’s ideal partner either.

i can't even speak i can only imagine after I kept wondering when should i say it i have a bigger heart than you might think

but regardless of that, they’re together now. it makes her feel completely dizzy, and that’s the exact vibe she wants to capture. that tumbling, clumsy feeling of falling ... not in love, but falling into something. at the same time, eunah doesn’t want to get too sappy. it’s too early for that, maybe it’s too early for her to be writing this song, but at the same time, she can’t help herself. this is why she’s so tentative in the first place. once she dips her toe in to something, no matter what it is, eunah always ends up fully submerging herself in it. 

the light's so bright and you have so many charms i can't concentrate i'm dizzy why are you being subtle again make me drunk again, make me lose my mind again i want to hold you sweetly i'm slipping i only see you, i want to hold you why am i like this why do i keep thinking weirdly hold me again so i lose my mind

eunah decides that a set of lyrics she starts to write with a verse or a bridge in mind might suit the pre-chorus and chorus of the song better. it’s then that she starts to hum a melody, and it’s then that she makes the transition from her perch on the windowsill to the piano bench in her and lux’s home studio. the writing process for this song progresses quicker than usual. maybe it’s because she’s not so much in her own head, and she’s not really trying too hard to analyse her feelings for once. usually, eunah hyper fixates on one thing until eventually she manages to produce a song. it’s her new method of catharsis as she does her best not to fall too far back into bad habits. for once, eunah is able to just relax as she scribbles on the paper propped up on her piano. she muses over the way that hanjae seemingly goes from full on to distant within a day, and how weird that’s been over the last couple of days. in her song, she wills him to return to her. it’s a preemptive request, because eunah has a funny feeling that she’s going to end up doing a lot of asking over the course of their relationship, no matter how long it lasts in the end. ( at least a while, she hopes. eunah wants to sink her teeth into him, into them. )

the pre-chorus needs something else at the start of it though. eunah taps the end of her pen against her chin as she admits that maybe, just maybe, she does have to go ahead, suck it up and just indulge in her sappy side. she tries out a few different combinations of sweet pet names. honey ... baby ... she already said babe earlier in the song, so she doesn’t want to use it again. she doesn’t want hanjae picking up on any of the silly nicknames. pet names are so not eunah’s thing. she’ll croon them in songs all day, and give some of her close friends individual nicknames from time to time, but it’s a completely different manner to do it with a significant other.

she settles on calling him a flower, a star and a galaxy. soft, creative names that eunah doesn’t think he’ll expect her to use out of a song. maybe she would call him flower, if she really had to choose one out of the options.

loathe as she is to admit she’s such a sop, eunah plays around with the terms of endearment and their placement at the start of the pre-chorus until she’s satisfied, and she thinks the song already sounds much better. after a few more tries, messing around with the order of certain lines until she feels they’re in the right order, with the right tune. it’s soft and sweet, the kind of tune she could imagine potentially being an upbeat track on an ost or, if she worked on it a bit more, maybe even as part of a pop musical. a kim eunah jukebox musical, perhaps.

eunah carefully closes her notebook, making sure that the cover and all of the pages are perfectly in line with each other. she clutches her book to her chest, sitting up a little straighter as she squeezes it tight. most of the time when she finishes with a song for the night, eunah is tired. emotionally fulfilled, but mentally exhausted. writing about something lighter, and just letting herself enjoy her feelings rather than picking them apart, is something that she decides she’s going to do more often, for her art and for her health.

[harianadimples]

I Know You’re Not Far, But I Still Can’t Handle All The Distance

1.8k: hariana friendship rise warning(s): unedited soz just had to get this one out before I overthink

| – | – | – |

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I wanna sing.”

Harry stops playing for a moment so he could hear what Ariana had to say.

“My fans have been wanting me to jump on Instagram Live to sing a few songs but I really can’t handle all that real-time shit. I just want to sing and then dip so I’m just going to record a quick video. I think it’d be a nice surprise to have you join in, finally feed your fans some new content of you.”

“Hmm, I suppose but I won’t sing.”

“Why not? They’ve been wanting some sort of duet for a while, you know.”

“Um, and show the world how rubbish I am singing next to you?”

“You are not rubbish! Have you forgotten our killer duet of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ when we watched ‘Wayne’s World’?”

“No, I just wanna listen to y’voice. I miss it,” Harry pouts, leaning into his elbow as it rested on the hood of the piano.

“Okay, then, H,” Ariana rolls her eyes, smiling as she fixes herself. “Suppose you’d like a relatively easy song to play. How does ‘My Everything’ sound? For old time’s sake?”

“I Know You’re Not Far, But I Still Can’t Handle All The Distance”

or

The one inspired by an alternate universe where Harry played the piano for Ariana’s 2020 version of ‘My Everything’ while in Quarantine

-:-:-:-

“‘Lo love, how are you?” Harry asks as he fixes his laptop screen, leaning it just right so the light coming from his bedroom window wouldn’t cause such a harsh glare. When it was just right he could see Ariana much better but it seemed like her picture needed another moment to catch up with her voice, as behind the frozen image he could hear her giggling softly.

“That was quick,” Ariana’s voice strays as if she walked away for a moment, but the picture’s finally changed and is moving so Harry just waits on his phone until she appears again. When the movement settles Harry sees that Ariana is sitting in her living room. “I’m good by the way; miss hugging everyone, I swear when we’re given the all clear I’m inviting y’all over and cooking the biggest fucking Italian dinner y’all will ever have,” she says.

“I could so go for Italian right now,” Harry sighs as he sets his phone down and shifts himself up a bit so he can be more comfortable, “Been eating all the bread in this household m’tooting up a storm in here.”

“That is… horrendous.”

Harry chuckles at her reaction, fiddling with the strings of his hoodie. “‘ave you got the pups with you?”

“Always,” Ariana smiles, “Toulouse is right here, Pignoli is watching me from the other sofa and Myron’s having a nap.”

“Miss the little ones so much–,” Harry is suddenly interrupted by a guttural snort which scares even Ariana. She soon breaks into laughter as she picks up Piggy Smallz who’d been lurking behind her. “Aw does miss Piggy want her Harry love too, my big girl?” Piggy makes a noise which sounds extremely happy which causes laughs all round.

“Yeah, miss ‘aving the wind knocked out of me whenever you give me kisses,” Harry chuckles.

Of her pets, Piggy became to be the most territorial over Harry.

It started when Harry went to support Ariana at her Sweetener Tour show in London. He’d finally gotten the privilege to meet Piggy in person, and after some time holding her thinking they’d become the best of friends, she took a massive shit which splattered on his white pants. He just had to have been wearing an all-white outfit that evening.

“You reading anything good?” Harry asks.

“Um… I’m currently reading ‘We Have Always Lived in the Castle’. Seems good so far.”

“‘Kay, adding it to my cart right now,” Harry mumbles. “I’ve read like two books so far. Trying to get through this third one but I keep fallin’ asleep. So nice to just sleep.”

“I know right. It’s weird actually getting like fourteen hours of sleep for once, instead of two.”

“You deserve the rest though. Bloody insane, your tour. Can’t believe the year you had. I like… honoured to have witnessed history unfold, y’know?”

“Oh please, can we talk about your music though. I genuinely cried listening to ‘She’ earlier, like full-out, ruined-my-makeup, swollen-eyes, everything– just… tears.”

“Thanks? I guess?”

“No, H, really. My mind can’t fully comprehend Mitch’s solo in that song.”

“Oh, well, thanks, I’m only the one singing the song.”

“It’s nice to hear you exploring different vocal dynamics. You have the range and it really shines on a song like ‘She’. These are all things I’ve told you before H.”

“I know but it’s nice to have my voice praised by the vocalist of our generation.”

“Oh my God–.”

“No, seriously, I have not stopped listening to the song you showed me a couple days ago. Can’t believe you posted it to your socials.”

“Yeah I don’t really care if I get in trouble at this point, I’m like in that place mentally, emotionally, whatever where I’m creating and it’s nice and free and I just wanna share that. But thank you.”

“That reminds me I’m writing something and sort of like putting the skeleton of the music together and I was wonderin’ if you mind if I use your vocals for the synth?”

“Yeah sure, use whatever’s on google drive.”

This folder on Google Drive that Ariana’s referring to, is a shared folder with a couple vocal notes they’ve made in the past that they’ve sometimes dipped into for production samples. Harry’s relatively new to using vocal samples as instrumentation on a song since his previous record was mostly classic rock inspired. Apart from double tracking his voice, the extent of his vocal exploration on that record had been the infamous duck sound on “Woman”.

With Fine Line he’d really been inspired by Ariana’s vocal production and wanted to do a lot more of it on this record. With his producers he got a lot better at curating his own sound but if it weren’t for Ariana’s support he wouldn’t have known where to start with figuring out what else his voice can do.

He liked the idea of sampling someone’s voice, hiding it within a song where no one knows it’s even there. Who better than Ariana to be that voice.

“Can I hear what you got so far?” Ariana asks.

Harry nods and gets out of bed (with great effort which makes Ariana roll her eyes). He brings his laptop with him as he descends down the corridor. He enters the living room where a grand piano sits in the centre and props the laptop down on its surface as he sits by the keys.

“Fair warning, m’still learning,” Harry says as he plays a few random notes to prep his fingers before he begins to play.

Harry’s only got a verse and a pre-chorus, and a sort-of chorus figured out. It’s mid-tempo for now, but it might change once he can get in the studio. He starts singing, trying not to focus entirely on his fingers playing but he’s still a beginner so he’s got his head down more or less the whole time. When he finishes, he looks up again and is honestly… not surprised to see Ariana crying into her sleeve-covered hands.

“It’s sooo good.”

“Obviously, it’s not done yet–.”

“The first verse got me, but that pre-chorus– damn it,” Ariana quickly, and quite dramatically wipes under her eyes as Harry smiles with warm cheeks, kind of loving the praise coming from her, “like you’re so fucking talented, and can I just say your piano playing has improved a lot! You have nothing to worry about.”

“Thanks love,” Harry looks down and plays a few keys, hoping the terrible MacBook camera quality would hide his sudden bashfulness.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I wanna sing.”

Harry stops playing for a moment so he could hear what Ariana had to say.

“My fans have been wanting me to jump on Instagram Live to sing a few songs but I really can’t handle all that real-time shit. I just want to sing and then dip so I’m just going to record a quick video. I think it’d be a nice surprise to have you join in, finally feed your fans some new content of you.”

“Hmm, I suppose but I won’t sing.”

“Why not? They’ve been wanting some sort of duet for a while, you know.”

“Um, and show the world how rubbish I am singing next to you?”

“You are not rubbish! Have you forgotten our killer duet of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ when we watched ‘Wayne’s World’?”

“No, I just wanna listen to y’voice. I miss it,” Harry pouts, leaning into his elbow as it rested on the hood of the piano.

“Okay, then, H,” Ariana rolls her eyes, smiling as she fixes herself. “Suppose you’d like a relatively easy song to play. How does ‘My Everything’ sound? For old time’s sake?”

“You’re in luck, that’s literally my go-to practice song at the moment. Surprisingly quite a vocal heavy track, or maybe I just don’t know how to sing.”

“Harry I fucking swear to God, you say one more self-deprecating thing–.”

“Sorry, sorry, m’just blown away every time I listen to it. Right then, let me take this old thing off. Gotta look good if I’m gonna be playing next to you,” Harry says as he pulls his hoodie off and sets it aside. He’s got on a black t-shirt that’s two days old and counting but the camera probably won’t pick up much quality anyway so he’s got nothing to worry about. Harry pulls his hair out of its scrunchy and runs his fingers through until his fringe looked somewhat contained.

“Got sent some cute-ass nails today,” Ariana says as Harry leans up close to his screen, being met with her brand new white nails with small light-grey clouds on the very tips. “Cute,” he agrees. “My nails are looking God-awful. Fuck, you think the camera will pick them up?”

The blue colour on his nails had mostly chipped off, leaving them in a ‘too naked to be fully edgy’ situation that has Harry hiding his hands from sight.

“I barely noticed.”

“I’ll just angle the camera so they don’t show.”

“You ready then? I’m gonna record the screen. Hopefully it works.”

“Okay, yeah, hold on. Okay, yeah.”

They eventually do two takes. One to see if it was actually recording and sounded good, and the second was the actual recording that Ariana planned to post.

This should have been easy, real simple, considering it isn’t their first time just hanging out, singing songs on the piano or whatever. Literally the other day she sent him a voice note singing some random meme and it didn’t phase him at all because it’s expected at this point. When it’s just them it’s not nearly as nerve wracking. Now he’s torn between wanting to play the piano well as to not mess her up, wanting to sound good to prove to himself that he’s doing better at playing like she’s said, but also wanting to just melt into himself and listen to her sing.

It seems this internal struggle appeared very well in the video as he and Ariana watched it back. Ariana sang beautifully; effortlessly as per usual, while Harry looked genuinely lost between playing and listening to her sing which with their videos side-by-side made it look like Harry was sort of in disbelief that the person next to him was singing so angelically, which wouldn’t even be far from the truth.

“Hah, that’s funny,” Ariana grins, “I’m posting it now. Prepare to become a meme.”

The video quickly went viral apparently. Neither Harry or Ariana would know since right after she posted the video they did as she wished and let it be, allowing the internet to have at it while they curled up in their beds and put on “Tiger King” to see what the hype was all about.

| – | – | – |

+ masterlists

[blapisblogs]

Corey Taylor (yes, he’s still here) has so little to do in this “review”- er, is so bored of this “review”- uh, I mean, is so bored with watching The Wall that he starts drifting off. Doug somehow knows this, stares at him through the TV, and says “Is there anybody who cares”, leading into the next song parody. Part-way into the song Tamara Chambers comes back in as the maid, Malcolm Ray as a body guard (still dressed as one of the “kids” only now he’s wearing glasses), and... Brad Jones (aka The Cinema Snob) as the manager (I guess), all of whom try to wake up Corey Taylor by overacting like hell.

For those who don’t know, most people ended up leaving Channel Awesome with three exceptions: Doug Walker (of course), Larry Bundy Junior (who only stayed for laughs), and Brad Jones, so I’m not that surprised the latter has turned up here. I’m ashamed to say that I used to watch some of Brad’s content, but since the whole Not So Awesome document incident happened, he’s said some pretty terrible things about the whole situation (he’s the one who infamously said “Logan Paul filmed a dead body and he still has a career” during an interview talking about the Change the Channel movement), so I’ve since stopped watching him as well. That said, at least he’s slightly better than Doug is at imitating the film counterpart he’s standing in for (in this case Pink’s manager, played by the late Bob Hoskins), but that’s hardly saying much when Doug’s not even trying.

While the first line spoofs “Is There Anybody Out There?”, the actual song that gets parodied next is “Comfortably Numb”, a song where Pink is being medicated by a doctor in order to perform for his next show. I don’t have much else to say about what happens during this parody, it’s really uninteresting, which is exactly what Doug is saying about these parts of the film. The thing is, those “slow, mopey” songs serve a purpose to the plot: they’re about how Pink feels as he’s gradually isolating himself from everyone else. This parody? It’s a whole song calling the other ones slow and boring, and takes yet another jab at Roger Waters. This is, what, the third or fourth parody song in a row where he’s insulted him now? We got it the first time, Doug. There are so many other things in this album and film that could be discussed here: how the gradual abuse affects Pink’s psyche and causes him to further spiral into depression, the dangers of what Pink is doing to himself (and unintentionally others), the directions they took for this film that differ from the album, anything. Yes, Waters’s ego might be hard to ignore while knowing the backstory, but you could at least try to talk about literally anything else regarding the film. Or, if you wanna talk about Roger Waters’s ego behind this project so badly, Doug, then actually talk about it. Talk about the spitting incident that led to this, talk about how Waters had the most creative control on this project while the other three members had almost no say in it, talk about the disagreements he had with director Alan Parker while making this film, talk about how this led to Waters leaving the band and later tried to sue them for still calling themselves Pink Floyd afterwards (which he of course lost). Doug does literally none of this, which makes it feel like he either assumes everyone knows this already or he himself doesn’t know all of it due to not doing any research into it (and let’s just say that I wouldn’t be surprised if the latter turned out to be true). I’m sorry I keep bringing up this one thing, but that’s because that’s what Doug keeps doing in this “review”; he’s a broken record.

The song eventually ends when Brad Jones tells Corey Taylor to “sober up or have an existential conflict”. I didn’t even know he was supposed to be drunk in this “review”, but I guess that would explain a lot. Also, I guess this means that Doug Walker doesn’t find Pink’s internal conflict (which is, you know, the whole point of the album and film) to be interesting, which at this point is unsurprising but still frustratingly disappointing. It’s also sad considering that Doug is a critic who can’t be bothered to consider internal conflict as valid as existential conflict or think that Pink’s internal conflict is causing some of his existential conflict. For someone who goes on about character depth and development in other things, Doug sure avoids talking about any of that for this in favor of continually shitting on it for the sake of poorly-thought-out jokes.

Anyway, it then goes to the in-video commercial break. I’m not even half-way through yet.

Fuck.

[Lyrics (and snark) below the cut]

Is there anybody who cares?

Wake up (wake up, wake up) Are you still awake in that chair? Just keep listening to me I know you’re kinda bored

[Five lines and every single one leaves good openings for jokes at its expense. At least the parodies before this weren’t this easy to make jokes about, this is just... It’s too much to not use it as an excuse to make fun of it, yet also too easy. Fuck you?]

Yeah sure (yeah sure, yeah sure) It’s a lot of slow songs now It’s hard to keep on track With mellow songs back-to-back

[Again, this means that you somehow consider “What Shall We Do Now” (warning: this one has NSFW and unsettling imagery depicting sex, violence, blood, drugs, Nazis, death, and other things, and also gets really loud), “Young Lust”, “One of my Turns”, and “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 3)” to be “mellow”, which they aren’t really, at least not compared to the others. I can’t even think of how you could say that about “Young Lust”, unless... Doug, please don’t tell me that you think “Empty Spaces” and “Young Lust” are the same song, because I cannot comprehend how you could know that “The Happiest Days of Our Lives” and “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” are separate songs but not know that those two are not one and the same.]

(Sorry, I can’t tell what these next couple of lines are saying because this is the part where Brad, Tamara and Malcolm come in and the former starts talking over the song. Given how crappy these lyrics are, maybe that’s for the best.)

You need to watch this movie first Just a half-hour more Come on, you’ve gotten through worse

[I’ve been telling myself that since roughly the ten minute mark of this video, and yet every time I come back here to type more about it I keep feeling the urge to close the tab for it.]

You can’t be bored while we are singing

[Wait, “we”? Are you making fun of all of the members of Pink Floyd now instead of just Roger Waters? What did David Gilmour, Nick Mason and Richard Wright do to you, asshole? I thought you were taking these potshots at Waters because of the effect this album ended up having on the other band members even after he left, now it sounds like you’ve got some personal beef with Pink Floyd in general, which gets really screwy given something you end up saying later.]

Unless you don’t wanna be seen as deep

[Doug, you can’t be bothered to even analyze or even properly talk about the surface-level symbolism that’s right there in front of you in this film; you don’t get to lecture me on what’s deep or not.]

Your attention constantly may fade Your eyes move, but do you care what we’re saying?

[You might as well have called this “Tempting Fate: The Song” with all these lyrics ripe to make fun of.]

When I was a child I remember being invested Like hearing “The Dark Side of the Moon”

[You can barely comprehend the things that are going on in “The Wall”, don’t drag “Dark Side of the Moon” into this.]

Now I’ve grown, this section starts to drag Like a long neck, I just don’t understand Is this now how I am? I have become comfortably dumb

[As many others have already pointed out, that is literally the easiest joke you could’ve gone with for that line. It’s like turning “Kingdom Hearts” into “Kingdom Farts”; a literal child could’ve come up with that joke.]

Okay (okay, okay) Just get through the damn flick You want to seem cool But this ain’t getting your kicks Can you listen? (Listen, listen) Later there will be a quiz

[You are the last person who should be giving quizzes about this film or album, Doug.]

Somebody has to feel the same When I become so lame

[“Lame”? I could be wrong, but last I checked Waters is doing just fine. Or are you talking about the other members of Pink Floyd? Because from what I’ve heard Gilmour isn’t currently doing so well mentally, and if you’re making fun of that, then... wow, fuck you.]

There is only so long I can go With hearing a millionaire say that things blow It’s like I’ve been asleep for days The film plays, but I can’t take the complaining

[You know, you keep saying that, but at least people can relate to some of the things that were brought up in the songs here. Losing a loved one in a tragic and violent way at a young age? Having an overbearing, emotionally abusive parent? An oppressive and unfair school system? An unfaithful partner? As unfortunate as it is, those are all things some people out there can relate to. At least they’re all not petty, shallow insults about things Waters doesn’t personally like, Doug.]

Like telling a child “It’s just how everything is” Just fighting to open my eyes The epic feels I had are gone I don’t know what is going on

[Neither do the people who watched this and know nothing about the film or album, from what I could tell: you’ve done nothing to help them understand what’s actually happening given how much context you’ve left out. All you’ve done is go “Roger Waters has a big ego, Roger Waters has a big ego, people who complain about school are special snowflakes, something something World War 2, animation, slow mopey songs, did I mention Roger Waters has a big ego?”]

Now the child is gone And I’ve moved on I wish those days weren’t just a phase

[Since you said there was a quiz later, Doug, I’m gonna have to retaliate and ask you to submit an essay to me explaining why you thought it was necessary to put this song into your already lengthy “review”. No, you are not allowed to use the phrase “Fuck Roger Waters and his ego” or words to that effect; that alone is not a decent argument.]

[boredom-thingy]

TL;DR- I have been sorta kinda diagnosed with Executive Function disorder (psychologist said it was very very very likely that I was suffering from it, but he couldn’t do anything) and I think I’m emotionally abused by my parents. I’m still trying to figure out whats what and what problem comes from where and if I can life hack it. I’m looking for help and/or other people suffering from the same things to add to the list. This is my list of symptoms.

Hey, all of you out there who struggle with executive function disorder or have been emotionally abused, or both. I have sorta been diagnosed with EFD and I think I’m being emotionally abused (I could be wrong and over reacting, I honestly can’t tell). Its been a while but I’m slowly discovering more and more symptoms that I thought were normal or scared the shit outta me (and still do) originally. Here’s an incomplete list, mind agreeing or disagreeing with them and adding your own? And/or how you deal with them?

My Incomplete (and ever growing) List-

Time. My sense of time is off, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. There are times when I think something happened 2 months ago when in reality, it happened years ago. I can be left home alone and when my parents get home and ask me what I did for hours on end, I have zero clue, its just a blank hole. I lose track of time extremely easily too.

Other Disorders. I often feel like my particular brand of screwyness happens to combine other mental illnesses/disorders like insomnia, depression, anxiety, adhd, add, odd, and paranoia among others

Depersonalization/derealization(dissociation). Especially here recently, I think I’ve been suffering from episodes of Depersonalization-derealization disorder. Its happened in the past but not as much as right now.

I feel like I’m going insane. Constantly. I feel like I’m over-reacting to everything, like everything is in my imagination.

I always feel like I’ve done something wrong/upset people. People I don’t know, people I do know, people I love. I always feel like I’ve upset them or I’m some kind of burden or I’ve done something wrong. (Leads to me apologizing to a chair for hitting it.)

Extreme clumsiness. This one is prolly just me. But its often a source of anxiety for me.

Social skills are next to nothing. I can’t make friends. All the ones I have were introduced to me by other people or approached me on my own. And most of the time they end up ditching me and telling me its my fault. Also, my timing is shit. I’ll walk up and ask you for something while you're busy.

Cotton. I feel like my head is full of cotton, like I can’t think straight. My thoughts are either spaghetti or a train wreck. I lose track of what I was thinking extremely easily.

Memory. My memory is shit. My parents claim its not, and I feel like it didn’t used to be, but it is now. I forget how to do something when I read or heard the instructions 10 seconds earlier. I forget things that are important to me, things that I wanted to get or do. I forget when things happened (ties in with the time issue.) I can’t remember important life events, or more accurately, I can remember them, but the memory seems weirdly muddled and I cant remember when it happened.

Food. I love food. But there are times when I’m light-headed and dizzy, and I know I should eat, but I just... Don’t want to. The thought makes me nauseous, its too hard to get up, I’m not actually feeling hungry (despite the fact that I can hear my angry tummy and I can feel the light-headed/dizziness), etc. 

Being left alone (especially with not much to do). I don’t fear abandonment (ok I do a little, but that not the problem here.) I fear my own brain. I hate being left alone, especially for long periods of time because when I run out of things to keep my mind occupied, all those thoughts I forced to go away come steam rolling back. Intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, self harm thoughts, extremely depressing thoughts, disturbing thoughts that scare me witless, thoughts of running away, etc. I can’t stand my own brain. It scares me.

Motivation. I go to school online, 4.1 gpa (so far) and I am a fairly self motivated person. But there are times when I can barely find the motivation to grab my glasses off the nightstand 2 inches from my face and other times when I’m motivated to do something, I’m almost in a frenzy, and I’m hyper-focused on it. And there are times when I really want to do something (usually something that I love, like a hobby) but the thought of doing it makes me nauseous and I just don’t want to. Or if its a creative thing, like writing, I can’t seem to form a single idea or spark to get me started. My brain nopes out and I can’t do anything but stare at the paper, desperately wanting to write, but my brain is a bout as blank as the paper is.

Body-brain disconnect. Sometime my body and my brain seem to be on separate wavelengths. I want to stop scrolling through pinterest, but I can’t seem to make myself. I want to get up and eat, I know I need to, but I can’t make myself. I want to get up and do dishes or take a shower or do something, but my body just wont move. I want to go do something fun, like watch tv or draw, but I’m no moving, no matter how much I want it.

Pain. I am always in some kind of physical and/or mental pain. Headaches(near constant dull headache), back aches(always), cramps even when no where near that time(I am female), random muscle twitches/spasms/aches, etc. Oh and nausea. I’m nauseous a LOT. I also am light-headed or dizzy (or both) a lot.

Extreme mood swings.  I go from being so happy I could burst to emotionally shut down and sobbing in the corner in the blink of an eye. I go from being so pissed off that I want to slam my fist through a wall and break things to being so depressed I want to kill myself and repeatedly slam my head against the wall until I can’t see straight. I also sometimes get extremely frustrated/angry with the smallest things, like a noise, or something not working right, or the pets being annoying. Sometimes it gets to the point where I want to scream and break something or hit something (I never do and try my absolute hardest not to.)

Morbid thoughts. Fleeting morbid thoughts, generally about somehow injuring/harming myself. I might see a light socket and think “oh hey, you should stick a fork in that and see what happens” or I might see a pair of nail clippers or scissors and think “I wonder what would happen if I tried to cut x-spot on my body with those.” When I was younger, I used to want to sew patterns in my skin with a sewing needle and thread (never did, thank god) so they would scar over and create neat patterns on my skin.

War. I feel like I'm at war with my own brain, I talk to myself a lot. (I am an only child with parents that run their own business ((making them constantly busy)) so that is very possibly a reason I talk to myself. I also have very few friends and I talk to walls and my two dogs as well.) I tell my brain to shut up, to stop it, I feel like it has a mind of its own. Thats weird to say. (woooooo I'm totally crazy, right?)

Apologies. I apologize to literally everything. And about everything. I’ll apologize to a chair for bumping it. I apologize to my boyfriend when I rant to him or ask for help from him. I apologize for anything and everything, small or big. The bigger the issue, the more embarrassed and upset I am about it. Even if its not big to the other person. Ties in with always feeling like I did something wrong.

Defense. I am always on the defense, and sometimes it turns into offense. I always feel like I have to defend myself and everything I do or say that might have even the smallest chance of upsetting someone. And if I know it has or will upset someone, I defend myself more, to the point that it sometimes becomes offense. I can’t stop myself, I feel like I have to defend myself or I’m going to lose something or someone, or they’re going to take something I want or love away from me.

Noises and other various audio things.  Sometimes I feel like I can just barely hear someone calling my name, or a song, or a noise, or something just barely audible, but no matter how much I search for it, I can’t find it. Other times I can quite clearly hear someone calling my name, but I’m home alone, or when I ask my parents or the other people around me, they respond with confusion and a “no one called your name.” Other time noises, like beeps from the printer, even when I’m the one causing it and/or I’ve heard it multiple times in the past few minutes, jar me. They cause a jarring sensation, that is almost bone deep, I feel it in the back of my skull and it causes me to jump just a little.

All of these things are terrifying to me at various levels and they only seem to be getting worse. I study psychology for fun, I plan on going into it as a profession, eventually. I have done research on most of this, but I can’t find much on any of it (except emotional abuse), especially executive function disorder. Please help? (I am always adding to things when I think of more.)

@bradshore @katimorton @we-care-org

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Aquaman

My first film of 2019 and oh boy is it a doozy. Here’s the thing - I know it's gonna be bad when people keep telling me, "I can't wait for your review for this one." That does not inspire confidence in quality filmmaking because, I think we can all agree, the reviews are most beloved when I am being a petty bitch. So it’s time for 2018′s last big tentpole superhero adventure, DC’s solo Aquaman movie, starring Human Sex God Jason Momoa and Amber Heard doing shockingly bad Little Mermaid cosplay. See, Momoa plays Arthur Curry, the son of the queen of Atlantis and a mere mortal lighthouse keeper, so he has the heritage and the birthright to take the throne of Atlantis from his scheming brother (Patrick Wilson) and unite the land and the sea, if he wants to that is (he doesn’t.) There’s a lot going on here that could be wildly entertaining if handled right, so the real question is does this movie, ahem, sink or swim? Well...

It’s a tangled mess of yes and no, but honestly the problems DC has making a movie of the caliber we KNOW superhero movies are capable of sinks this whole ship. Call the Heartbreakers, cause I’m about to get Tom Petty up in this bitch.

Our story begins with a voiceover about the hero’s parents because that’s always a good sign. The Queen of Atlantis, Atlanna (Nicole Kidman) washes up on shore and enjoys some light Stockholm Syndrome with Tom, a lighthouse keeper in Maine (Temuera Morrison), leading to the birth of Arthur Curry, aka our main Aqua type Dude (Jason Momoa). Some Atlantisians - Atlantians? That just sounds like they’re from Atlanta. Some sea people come to forcibly take Nicole Kidman home after at least 2 years, like wow are these people bad at tracking their queen, but then suddenly they just know where she is? And she’s like “I have to go back, they will always find me” um well not for at least 2 years they won’t, ma’am. Anyway so she heads back into the sea and Tom is left to raise baby Arthur alone until he’s probably 8 or 9 and then the sea people’s vizier (Willem Defoe) comes to land and starts training Arthur how to do sea people stuff because he’s heir to the throne. But it’s pretty clear Nicole Kidman is no longer in Atlantis and he’s not allowed to see her...and everyone’s really mad at her for having a “half-breed” son with a land-dweller. So why is Willem Defoe here training him like a half-melted wax figurine of Mr. Miyagi? HANDWAVEY DISTRACTION so anyway, now Arthur’s all grown up doing Aquaman shit but like on the DL, cause he doesn’t want to be all obvious about it. His forced love interest Mera (Amber Heard) comes to Maine to tell him that his half-brother King Orm is planning a huge war against the land-dwellers in order to become Ocean Master and the only way to stop him is to find this Sacred Trident and take his rightful place as king. Honestly a bunch of other shit happens too but if you’re as hung up as I am on the Ocean Master thing, I think we can all agree we have enough info to proceed. 

Some thoughts and also questions because this movie demands questions:

As I’m sure you can guess, the script is just....it’s just so bad. Within the first 15 minutes, we got to hear the following exchange - Nicole Kidman, crying and marveling at the wetness on her face: "Our tears are always taken by the sea." Tom: "Not here. Here we feel them." This is meant to be a scene in which a woman is leaving the love of her life and her infant child, presumably forever. And we got sea tears. 

The gravity with which the phrases "ocean master" and "sacred trident" are spoken is just something I was not emotionally prepared to deal with. This makes it sound like I can’t handle Maguffins in comic book movies which I absolutely can! But it helps if they at least sound otherworldly or mysterious. Ocean Master sounds like a game of I Spy you made up at SeaWorld to get your little nephew Caydlen to stop trying to crawl into the touch tank.

Every location is SOMEWHERE IN THE ____ SEA. I understand that the ocean is vast and contains multitudes. But you can’t be any more specific than that? You can’t be any more specific than that ten times?

I like how, at one point, there is scientist on cable news talking about the existence of Atlantis, and he is being depicted as SO crazy that the audience is meant to think he's ridiculous when we literally know he's telling the truth. The conspiracy theories he’s touting are the exact thing that is going on in the movie, but he comes across as a fool because...we’re....meant to feel foolish? For believing in Atlantis? Does no one work in marketing at DC or Warner Brothers? I’m legitimately asking whose choice this was.

This is all coming across as very negative, so let’s focus on some good. 1) Jason Momoa. The man is basically a human god, so the casting is excellent - he’s funny, he’s disarming, he’s cool, he’s the bad boy you wanna take home to mom. He plays the part excellently and even manages to make some of the world’s clunkiest dialogue sound kind of ok. 

2) Some sequences really, really work - the trench sequence was a particular fave, and I think speaks mostly to director James Wan’s horror movie street cred. It was visually rich, atmospheric, and terrifying. 

That’s pretty much it for the positives.

Why the fuck is Dolph Lundgren here?

I don’t think I mentioned this above, but more movies need to have viziers. 

There’s a literal octopus playing the drums during a fight to the death like the filmmakers expected us NOT to immediately mentally sing “Under the Sea”?? During the first climactic battle between our hero and his main nemesis??? Like what tone is this even going for? Is it supposed to be silly? It takes itself too seriously. Is it supposed to be a 60s era Saturday morning cartoon? There’s too much “the land-dwellers are poisoning our oceans and killing our people so we need to start a holy war” for that. Is it supposed to be a wayward manchild finds his raison d’etre origin story? Did you read the thing about the octopus. 

And what the fuck is going on with this soundtrack. The crunchy NUH-NUH-NUHHH guitar chord every time Momoa tosses off a horrible one-liner in his first scene. The techno-battle music that’s aping the far superior Daft Punk soundtrack to Tron: Legacy during a high-speed foot chase in fucking SICILY. And then Pitbull shows up to perform the audio equivalent of a used condom found in the back of a 2003 Hummer, a bafflingly ill-conceived cover of Toto’s “Africa.” Do you know how bad a song has to be for it to be the worst cover of “Africa” in a year where WEEZER covered “Africa”???

I literally don’t even have time to get into the out-of-nowhere secondary villain, Black Manta, who could have had potential if he weren’t playing his scenes like he’s in a 1988 Steven Seagal movie. I’m all for “this is kinda stupid but I’m still having fun” movies. I genuinely enjoyed last year’s The Predator and The Hurricane Heist! But the only person who seems to be having any fun here is Momoa, and even then it’s amidst a bloated, overstuffed mess of a script. I’m not going to say I had a bad time watching this movie, but I certainly don’t think it’s for the reasons any of the filmmakers were intending.

[sunlitroom]

Gotham – s5e03 – Penguin, Our Hero

As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Selina can walk again. She’s also part cat, thanks to the whole ‘medication may release the darker angels of your true self’ side-effect. Big-eyed orphans flocked to Jim. Tabitha ran into Oswald’s knife. Lots of gangleaders want to kill Jim. Barbara rescued him because she needs his help killing Oswald, because no-one else in interested, because Tabitha was easily one of the most dislikeable people in town. Seriously, Barbara. Have you noticed that Sirens isn’t exactly swamped in floral tributes?  Haven exists in soft focus.  Ed and Tank got rough.  Some very lazy graffiti implicated Oswald in the killing of several gang members.

As always, long post will be long.  There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)).  There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism.  Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

Oswald opens what I’m assuming is his bedroom door, or a door to his private rooms. He hears a choir singing a song of praise and smiles beatifically.

(An aside.  This is really dumb and I hate it - I'm not wasting wrist strength on it.  Also - it's really offensive.  Really really offensive)

In summary, Penn gives Oswald good news about production.  The writers feel the need to really hammer home that totalitarian regimes are bad, like we may be somehow unaware of this.  We also learn that people are ‘defecting’ to Haven, and that people love Jim Gordon.  Oswald pitches a hissy fit that’s interrupted when a bunch of bikers break in, looking for revenge for Oswald’s apparent attack.  He explains to the leader exactly how and why he’s stupid, and orders him to be interrogated.

In her hospital bed, Selina dreams about being shot by Jeremiah.  This will be a recurring theme in this episode – Selina has flashbacks later - and I think it’s a good thing that we get to see someone actually dealing with the aftermath of trauma.  I hope they don’t try to attribute this to the nasty seed thing later.

Waking with a start, she gets up and dressed and heads out onto the roof. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she leaps off the side, like she used to do.

At Haven, Harvey is warning about coping with the growth of new arrivals - word spreading like bad case of clap.  He also warns that the gangs will come looking for the slave labour they’ve lost.

Jim seems unconcerned. Let 'em

Harvey says they hardly have any ammo or food to deal with either issue– but Jim still refuses to turn people away.

Harvey then eyes Jim, and asks him when he slept – he’s been going full-tilt for months.  Jim tells him he’s OK – but does seem a little flat as he says this.

They enter a makeshift canteen, where Bruce is working.  They ask him for some good news, and Bruce tells them something about a water purification system that’s small-scale, but still an improvement.

As they’re talking, a fight breaks out over rations.  Jim breaks it up, and then realises people are staring expectantly, and delivers a speech. He tells the new arrivals that they’re all welcome, but they need to leave the fighting outside.  The government thinks they don’t need help, and they need to prove otherwise.  The gangs outside can tear each other apart – but they need to help each other survive.

Harvey is the voice of cynicism – pointing out that Jim’s speech worked now, but that it’s not going to be pretty when they find out that the government has abandoned them.

Bruce tells Jim that he’s holding this place together, and giving everyone hope – but he has more to add to his plate.  Will, the big-eyed orphan, is having nightmares and broke his arm falling from his bed.  Could Jim talk to him?

(An aside.  I get that they’re building up Jim as a more uncomplicated protagonist and father figure.  This is also to emphasise how emotionally invested Jim is in Haven, so that the explosion at the end will have added impact.  However.  It is treacly to the point of becoming sickening.  Maybe it’s setting up another of Jim’s dark paths – where he’ll side with his old army pal over tried and tested allies in Gotham, and have a one night stand with Barbara – but even then, it’s just all felt a little heavy-handed)

In the dormitory, Jim sits down next to Will.  Bruce tells him that they can’t imagine what he’s been through, but that he’s safe now. Jim underlines this by telling him that he’ll never let anyone hurt him again.

(An aside.  Jim, no.  You can’t promise that.  You can promise to do your best – but you can’t promise to keep someone safe like that. Bruce is young enough to have an excuse. You know better.)

Jim offers the boy a treat before he leaves.

I’ve got something for you: pineapple from my rations.  Hang in there – I’ll check on you later

He and Bruce walk away

(An aside – the obvious parallel here is between Jim and Oswald as leaders. Oswald – on an ego-trip, serving himself an elaborate breakfast, literally enjoying hearing his praises sung, slowly leaking followers. Jim – giving his rations away, working himself exhausted for his people, with people endlessly arriving at Haven.

And I suspect that’s how we’re supposed to view it – but, and I know I’m probably overcomplicating, it’s not quite so black and white.  It’s not as nakedly motivated by ego as Oswald’s actions, but there’s no way that this isn’t gratifying for Jim)

Selina shows up in the dormitory. An alarmed Bruce tells her she’s supposed to be resting- but a cocky Selina asks him if she looks like she needs it.  She’s never felt better, and she wants to find the freak who shot me.

Bruce says he’s been looking for Jeremiah, but never found anything.  Selina points out that there’s been an influx of refugees from all over the city – someone must know something.

Bruce says he wants to find him as much as Selina – but he’s had months to fortify, and they need to be careful.  Selina looks askance at him, and asks him if he’s scared.  Bruce replies that of course he is, Jeremiah

Shot you to get to me

He tells her he can’t lose her

Selina tells him she’s not his to lose.  He can’t stop her, but she does want his help.  Bruce stares for a moment, and says that if they’re going to take him down, they’ll do it right.  They’ll bring him back here and he’ll stand trial

(An aside.  Honestly, Bruce?  I don’t see any judges hanging around.  A makeshift court consisting of you, Jim and Harvey isn’t exactly doing it right.  On top of that, do you really want to bring Jeremiah into close proximity with defenceless civilians?)

Selina smiles fondly at Bruce’s naivete.  Reaching up, she touches his face and kisses him.

I was hoping I could count on you

Further in the dormitory, a man sitting on a bed says he heard rumours in dark zone – which is apparently a place of chaos - ruled by those who lost their minds when the bridges went down

(An aside.  Sigh, Gotham.  So the mentally ill are scary again.)

Jeremiah is there, gathering followers.  Selina makes to leave immediately, but the man remonstrates, telling her

You can’t go there: you’ll die!  Jeremiah is the least of your worries.  Everyone there is insane.  Look what they did to my friend

He pulls the cover down, and we can see the man in the bed has had stuff carved into his torso.

Oswald opens his bedroom door, in a snit, clad in underwear this time.  He’s wearing a tight black top and shorts under his white cotton garment. I’m guessing the white thing was possibly a little too see through, and they decided to just let the black underwear show rather than get a headache trying to hide it.

Penn! Where the f…..

His choir is gone, and there’s only Olga singing alone

(An aside – I know it’s not the biggest point in the world: but if people like Olga and Eyepatch Guy consistently come back to work for Oswald, then he’s not as uniformly loathsome as the show likes to paint him)

Oswald interrupts her – asking where his staff and Mr Penn are.  She informs them that they all defected to Haven.  He fulminates before panicking, looking for his dog.

He turns to Olga, teary-eyed

They took my dog?

She looks blandly at him

Rumour say pup went willingly

(An aside – I know Oswald’s scenes are more or less comic relief at points, but I still do get irritated when he takes more of a kicking than any other character in terms of sheer humiliation and being told he’s unlovable.)

He screams in rage and grabs the biker chained to the wall

You're in luck.  Our interests are now aligned – and you may live

He tells him to contact the other deeply irritating petty gangs, and to gather men, vehicles and petrol. He has bullets.  They’re going to pay a visit to Haven.

After he’s dressed, that is.

 At GCPD/Haven, Harvey – accompanied by Alvarez - tells Jim Oswald has made it through the barricade with gangs.

Jim tells them to load up. Harvey points out they’re low on ammo. Jim sends him to someone he hopes with be friendly.

(An aside here.  How much time has passed since last episode? Barbara made clear to Jim when she saved him that this was essentially conditional on him agreeing to plot Oswald’s death with her. Jim said he’d table that for later.  Is she still waiting for this to happen?  Has she just assumed he’s not going to do it? When are we, exactly?  If he’s really just never got back in touch, why assume that she’s going to be willing to help – other than the fact that he has no other options, and Jim has a track record of expecting help from people – no matter whether he’s recently jerked them around.)

Down the tree-lined street where Ivy and Selina once wandered – and which is now the dark zone. Selina cracks a joke about calling it the dull zone, and Bruce gazes at her – telling her he’s glad she seems herself again

Selina says she’s been here before – it’s the posh part of town. Bruce says people with money got out. She points out that he didn’t, and he tells her seriously that he had a reason to stay.

(An aside.  Oh Selina – and it wasn’t staying with you.  Bruce wanted Alfred to evacuate with Selina.  He was going to stay and hunt Jeremiah down.  Does Selina know this?)

A man with a bomb strapped to him runs towards them, frantically asking for help, before the bomb explodes.  We hear laughter and gunshot, as a band of God knows what approaches. Actually.  There was a version of Phantom of the Opera set in a disco in the 70s - called Phantom of the Paradise. They remind me of this, crossed with the slightly naff cenobites from Hellraiser III

Anyway

They turn to run, and collide with a hulking guy who’s not exactly friendly

Selina says they’re looking for Jeremiah

Kill you. Kill Jeremiah

Selina decides the best course of action is to find the schoolyard’s biggest bully and take him down

They all start fighting.

Haven, where Mr Penn is still conducting the choir - who now do hymns instead. We hear the sound of bikes approaching.  Penn nervously asks Jim what’s going on.

It’s Oswald.  Jim tells his men to hold their fire

Oswald gets out of his car – lividly angry.

Well. If it isn’t my old friend Mr Penn, and the Gertrud Kapelput Memorial Choir.  How nice to see some familiar faces!

Jim tells Oswald that he shouldn’t have come to Haven.  Oswald responds angrily that he stole his people and his dog.  

Jim says that the people came here of their own free will.  Oswald ignores him to call on his dog, who doesn’t respond to him

Jim raises his eyebrows at him triumphantly when the dog refuses to come when called.

Oswald reiterates that Jim is to return his people and his dog – and also apologise.  

Jim says no.

Oswald tells him he knows his ammo is used up – he’s bluffing.  

On Jim’s signal – some of his men take down some of the bikers.  Oswald pulls a face, and Jim says his men need some target practice.

Back with Selina and Bruce. The hulking guy tells her that she looks soft – while she tells him he looks 300lbs of ugly.  

Selina gets the man on the ground and starts clawing at his face with her new metal claws – demanding that he tell her where Jeremiah is.

The man protests that they don't mess with him – but then tells her he’s at Hotel North.

Selina’s still going, though, clawing at his face.  Bruce tells her he’s had enough.  She says it’s enough when she says so, and he restrains her.  

He looks at her, troubled, and tells her she won.  It’s over.

Selina blithely replies that it was easy, and strolls off.  Bruce stares after her unhappily.

Back at Haven, an irate Oswald tells the bikers that Jim is bluffing.  The leader asks how he knows.

I know Jim Gordon

Oswald says if they require a demonstration – they should march forward.  The biker says they have guns – Oswald retorts that he does too, and his are loaded.

They march.  As they approach, Jim tells his men to make ‘em count.

They shoot – but run out of bullets, leaving one man standing.

Oswald gloats that Jim is out of ammo, and points out that he doesn’t want his men to die.  

On the count of three, GCPD lower their weapons.

Bruce and Selina head to the church – Selina deftly climbing over cars.  Bruce is not happy at how she handled the big guy earlier, but Selina disagrees – asking whose side he’s on?

Yours. Always

As they approach the church, they see a shrine to Jeremiah.  Selina says she’ll tear his throat out.  They follow some other people up the stairs to the church and enter the building.

A woman in a mask welcomes them to the Church of Jeremiah, where the faithful will become their best selves – after a demonstration of faith.

They’re very oddly dressed. Shirt and tie – and one guy in a kilt (which tends really to be formal wear)

They walk further in. The masked woman stops Selina – and points out she doesn’t look like a worshipper.  Selina insincerely says she witnessed his work first hand, and she’ll never forget it.

She is permitted to pass, and follows the adherents upstairs.  The masked woman whispers in the ear of another guard before removing her mask.  It’s Ecco, in some dilapidated makeup.

Bruce slips away

(An aside - Where are the clean and well-dressed devotees coming from?  I thought the Dark Zone was a terrifying bedlam?  How did they get there without being attacked? Why are they so clean and well-presented?)

Oswald leads Jim to a cage/cell.  Jim tells him he’s going to regret this.  Oswald gloats that those are strong words for someone out of options.  He’s going to have Jim watch while they destroy Haven, and then shoot him and leave him for dead like did to Oswald

(An aside – Oswald – no you’re not.  We both know this.  Jim knows this.  That one-episode biker leader knows this.  Tank knows this.  Those weird English peasants at Ivy’s know this.   Give. It. Up)

Jim tells him when the government finds out what he’s done, he’ll be at the top of the wanted list. Jim – Jeremiah created this whole crisis.  Jonathan is crucifying people.  The government will not share your pigtail-pulling fascination with Oswald.

Oswald tells Jim the only law in Gotham is power.  Jim tells him they have children and families here.  What will happen when the gangs take them back? Oswald blithely says they’ll go back to being slaves.  His people will go back to their lives: bellies full of gruel, with him as their protector.

Jim tells him to take revenge on him – but leave the refugees alone.  Oswald tells him it’s almost tempting – before leaving

(An aside – and here, again, we have the problem with this storyline.  If you can tug on anyone’s heartstrings, it’s Oswald’s.  It’s stupid enough that they have him genuinely believing his people enjoy their life.  The additional notion that he wouldn’t actually care about children and families is stupid.  Let’s not forget – when Oswald was piloting the blimp, the worst outcome he could imagine was the death of thousands of innocent citizens.  It was Jim who felt the need to further incentivise him by appealing to his ambition.  Seriously, now.  It wasn’t that long ago.  I’ve said it several times before – but if your plot demands that the characters are ooc in order to facilitate it, your plot isn’t good)

Outside, Penn is being chained up.  Oswald’s not happy at this, and steps in

Stop - that one belongs to me

He manages to unchain Mr Penn – who smiles happily  - at being rescued, but also maybe at the indication that Oswald actually appreciates him.

One of the annoying bikers grumbles that Oswald sacrificed one of his guys. While Oswald is untying Mr Penn, who’s thanking him all the while – the biker shoots Penn in the gut.  

Penn drops to the floor. Oswald tries to stem the bleeding but it’s no good.  

You should have stayed with me!  Why did you leave?

Penn looks up at him and, without malice, simply tells him

Everyone hated you

Oswald looks down, his face blanched.  

One of the bikers tells him they’ll take everything.  An enraged Oswald says he’ll pay for this, before the biker wallops him hard in the face.

(An aside – sorry, but no. Oswald is cleverer than this. He’s adept at reading other people’s needs and wants.  The notion that he honestly would have no idea of how he was perceived is just silly.

Also – I know there apparently wasn’t time to develop Penn as the Ventriloquist, but I don’t think they had to kill him off.  It feels really unnecessary.  Given that this ‘revelation’ was only needed because they made Oswald temporarily stupid, it’s particularly bitter.  On top of that, if I feel he’s been jettisoned to help make room for the compulsory indigestible lump of Os/Ed interaction we’ve to dutifully swallow later this season, I am going to feel rather cross.)

Oswald is taken to the cage, struggling and protesting.

Let me go, we had a deal!

As he’s shoved in, Jim watches him calmly from the corner.

I take it that didn’t work out like you planned?

Harvey is at Sirens, calling for Barbara.  She sneaks up behind him, puts a knife to his throat and tells him there no men in Sirens past midnight – making it surely a very inconvenient brothel.

She adds that perhaps it’s time golden boy learned to save himself. She asks Harvey if he’s tired of playing sidekick.

Harvey tells her he doesn’t see it that way.  They’re friends fighting for same thing.

Barbara says she remembers when Jim was the idealistic rookie and Harvey was the cynical veteran. Harvey cuts in that she was sane back then.  Barbara snidely says that now Harvey carries Jim’s laundry.

Don’t you wonder what your life would have been like if you never met Jim Gordon?

(An aside - Barbara.  Yes – you have ample cause to deeply resent Jim.  He compartmentalised the bejesus out of his life when he was engaged to you, he moved on indecently fast, and his default facial expression when he’s encountered you since has been a curled lip and a sneer.  You turned to him after your release from Arkham and asked for him simply to recognise you as a person, and he wouldn’t do it.

However, laying the blame at everyone else’s door for your current situation has become tedious. You were placed in horrible situations, but you have also had agency.  Decisions were made.  Paths were taken.  For the actual love of God, stop whining. I’m so bored.)

Harvey replies that he’d be dead, or wishing he was.

(Another aside.  The spectre of Death has hung over Harvey since day one.  I do hope he makes it to the end)

Barbara sneers that he’s delusional – like the saps who expect the government to help.

Harvey tries again – commenting that he knows they’ve had their differences, before mentioning that Oswald has turned up…

Barbara’s tune changes, and she tells him he should have opened with that.

Let’s move

Back in the cell, Jim is trying to cut his bindings.  Oswald is ranting.  Jim’s taken everything from him.  Jim tells him to keep his voice down.  Oswald keeps talking.  His people should have loved him, he kept them safe.  What so special about Haven?

Jim pulls a face at him, and says it’s special because it’s far away from him. Oswald pulls a face of his own

That's rich

People are coming, and Jim hisses at Oswald to be quiet.  We see the head biker and a couple of children come in looking for supplies – one of whom is big-eyed orphan boy, who glances quickly at Jim.  Jim tells Oswald to just act normal, adding

I know it's a stretch

The boy slides a piece of metal under the cage, which Oswald covers with his foot.  The bikers find he booze they were looking for, and leave.

Oswald laughs manically. When they get out – he is going to tear this place to the ground.  He starts to rant – but Jim interrupts him.  That won’t solve the problem.  They need to take the gangs out – right here, right now.

They look down at the piece of metal.  Oswald asks how they pick it up.

They eye each other, and – honestly – the fact that they both wordlessly come to the same impractical solution points to how bizarrely close they are.

They turn back to back and – leaning against each other – lower themselves slowly to the floor, with Jim making some of the best facial expressions ever seen.

(An aside.  OK.  Fair enough, Oswald can’t really pick that up: I don’t think his leg would allow him. But Jim.  Jimothy.  JimJam.  Jimbalaya. I ran a test.  It’s easy to lower down to the ground with your hands behind your back, pick something up, and then stand again.  You saw a chance for some body contact and you took it.  Naughty.)

Bruce creeping about at Jeremiah's lair. He encounters a corridor strewn with the corpses of pilgrims, all with gunshot wounds to the head.

Meanwhile, Selina joins Ecco and the others in an empty swimming pool. Essentially, they play a group game of Russian roulette.  Ecco is very theatrical and Harley Quinn-ish about all this.  Selina scoffs – but, on Ecco implying she’s a coward, places the bullet in the chamber and spins the barrel.

Ecco counts them down – again, slightly aggravating on the quirky preciousness front.  We go quickly back to Bruce, whose head turns sharply when he hears the gunshots.

Ecco strolls round, announcing that she’s disappointed in those who didn’t participate.  Selina says she’s

Just not a mindless idiot willing to get shot in the head for nothing

Ecco glares.  She comments that Curls is here to judge all of us.  She goes on, though, indulging in some wittering about Jeremiah and his methods and how it looks like madness but it’s really liberation, blah blah blah

She then tells them all to leave now – she needs to have a word with Selina. They all got straight ‘As’ and can proceed and be reborn.

Elsewhere, Bruce follows two guards before beating them.  He ascends further up the staircase.

Selina faces off with Ecco. Ecco says she doesn’t want to meet Jeremiah, but Selina insists she does – only she’s not willing to play that psychotic game

Ecco does some more quirky stuff

But baby – it’s so fun!

Selina asks why Ecco doesn’t play.  Ecco tells her she doesn’t get it.  Lifting her hair, she displays a scar at the base of her skull, near her ear.

The bullet’s still inside.  I hear it.  Ping ping ping.  Boy do I feel it when the nights get cold

She pulls the trigger, but there’s no bullet.  She seems to be getting off a little on it.

Selina tells her she’s insane – but she’s indignant at this, saying she was willing to look death in the face and allow the old her to die.  This is the gift Jerome gave Jeremiah – and now it’s the gift he’s giving them

(An aside – interestingly, Jeremiah seems to have rather retconned his past with Jerome again.  The gas wouldn’t have killed Jeremiah – there was no potentially fatal option, as with his gun method)

Ecco smiles

We want you to experience that gift….Selina

Selina’s eyes widen

You know me

Ecco smiles

There’s not a single part of Bruce's life we don’t know about. His joys, his fears, his desires

(An aside.  Wow.  That sounds a like a fun couple activity.)

She adds that Bruce wasn’t ready for Jeremiah’s gift, and nor was Selina.  

Selina grimaces as Ecco points the gun at her face

One thing Jeremiah did teach me.  I hate a gun pointed at my face.

She hisses angrily, and they start to fight.

Oh puddin’.  Aren't you delicious?

(An aside.  I suppose you can’t really blame Ecco for flirting with Selina.  It sounds like most of her evenings with Jeremiah are spent working on the big Bruce scrapbook.)

Ecco says she knew she had it in her – all it took was a kick in the pants.  

Bruce appears.  Ecco sneers that her boyfriend is worried about her.

Selina flashes back to her shooting.  She manages to turn the gun on Ecco – but Bruce yells stop, and Ecco escapes, stabbing Selina in the leg as she goes. Selina screams in rage and makes after her – but Bruce stops her, telling her that she’s bleeding.

Selina cuffs him to the gate.  Bruce protests, but Selina says they’ve done things his way.  Not it’s her turn.  Bruce is left yelling after her as Selina drags herself off after Ecco.

Back at Haven, the bikers eyeing up cops and discussing who might be best for fights.  Jim strolls up

How about this?

He points his gun

The biker says he’s bluffing

I’m afraid not

Oswald appears at the other end of the room

Neither am I

Oswald shoots the gang members.  Jim calls on the cops to come out.  Jim and Oswald face each other across the room.  We hear a whimper, and Oswald’s dog approaches him.  He fusses over him, and reassures him that he killed the bad men.

The crowd behind him overhear this and mutter agreement – he did shoot the bad men.  They start to chant his name.

Oswald smiles gleefully. In many ways, he’s the world's simplest creature.

 Back at Haven, people are arguing both with and about Jim

You promised safety!

He saved us!

Oh boy.  Time for another speech.

It was a hard day - but we won.  

He points out that they’ve got Oswald's guns and ammo now, and that they survived.  Hope survived too – and he thinks that’s worth fighting for.

So do I

It’s the winsome orphan who rescued him

(An aside.   Mercy, Gotham. I can’t take much more of this treacle.)

Jim blinks in response to this support.  He goes on. Now there’s work to be done, wounded to be cared for.

Tomorrow's another day

Jim’s Scarlett O'Hara now.

A cop appears to tell Jim that Oswald is outside.  

Before he heads out, Jim tells the winsome orphan that he did a brave thing, and that they wouldn’t have escaped if not for him.  The boy replies that Jim helped him, so he wanted to reciprocate.  He hands the boy his badge, and tells him he needs deputies. He smiles and thanks him – especially since he’s allergic to pineapple.

 Jim walks towards Oswald, who is fussing over the dog.  He straightens up as Jim approaches, and asks him if the cops are really necessary: after all, he just saved hundreds of people.

Jim adds that he endangered them to start with, so he can be forgiven for wanting to play it safe.  

Oswald looks up at him, his face more sincere

Still - I do hope there’s no hard feelings?

Jim steps closer and looks at him like he’s recently been caught stealing apples, as opposed to putting a bounty on his head and then breaking through the barricade with a gang of bikers.

You did the right thing today, Oswald.  You’re free to go.  Don’t make me regret it.

They stand close and – even with my shipper glasses off, there’s really no other way to describe this – stare at each other fondly, smiles on their faces.

(An aside, before Barbara comes in waving the plot point no-one cares about.

I ship this like crazy. I like writing fic for it. One thing that’s blocked me for ages is how readily Oswald can forgive the worst of behaviour from Jim, and how Jim readily heads back to him for help each time no matter where their relationship has been. But actually seeing this helped me get it.  Oswald thinks he’s capable of doing great things for the city and its people.  Jim also believes this of himself: Jim Gordon, hero of Gotham.  They also both know they are capable of terrible, terrible things.  

To have someone who is not only seemingly willing to forgive you anything, but who also has a seemingly endless capacity to believe in you? That’s about as a big a deal as you can get.  No wonder they keep gravitating towards each other. Who wouldn’t?)  

Harvey hurries in, shouting a Jim in warning.  He’s swiftly followed by Barbara.

Hi Pengy.  Bye Pengy

Wide-eyed, Oswald holds his hands out in front of him, falling back on what he always falls back on in dire straits

Jim!

Jim hurriedly gets in front of him, and faces Barbara down

Barbara, no

Barbara tells him to get out of her way or he’ll get her first bullet.

Jim insists that he’s not moving

We don’t get to see what Barbara does next, because there’s an explosion that knocks everyone to the ground.  Oswald, Barbara and Harvey are unconscious, but Jim stands and looks around to see Haven up in flames.  There’s no scream of rage – just resignation, and weariness.

(An aside - So, I’m guessing that the explosion was Jeremiah’s doing – given that it just so happened to coincide with Bruce not being anywhere near the building?)

 General Observations

A couple of themes here.

The obvious parallel is between Jim and Oswald as leaders.  Jim is the ‘good’ leader, Oswald the ‘bad’ leader.  I don’t think we’re supposed to read more into it – but, as I said, I think you can really dig into a little more.  Barbara comments offhand that Jim wants to be a hero.  They both get emotional gratification from what they’re doing.

Oswald has already been chastened by Mr Penn’s death.  How Jim copes with what has happened remains to be seen.  

There was a little bit of crossover between storylines, if you squint, in the notion of proving yourself under pressure.  Oswald eventually did the right thing.  Oswald and Jim came together when it counted.  On the darker side, Ecco seemed insistent that Selina could step up to the challenge she posed after a kick in the pants.

Given that it lasted a whole two episodes – the Oswald as dictator thing was dumb.  Oswald’s whole thing is his ability to read motivations and needs and exploit those.  He can’t just fall back on a family name, or use brawn to succeed. But suddenly he actually hadn’t realised that people hated him? Really?  Equally – the bit later about him not understanding why people would resent the situation he offered: safety and stability – Oswald’s whole first season is him rejecting the notion of ‘knowing his place’ in favour of clawing his way up, risking his neck repeatedly.

Sorry – but this storyline has been dependent on both ooc-ness and Flanderizing his character.

Hmmm.  See – here’s the thing.  I liked Jeremiah last season – pre and post-gas.  He was different and had his own quirks and complexities.  He simmered icily – a contrast to Jerome’s all-out mayhem.  But I find the whole Cult of Joker thing tiresome – with all the witless, biddable acolytes wittering on about how he’ll open your mind.  It feels even more marked with Jeremiah, who essentially displays almost total contempt to anyone who isn’t Bruce.  I’m guessing part of the reason he stays secluded is that he can barely tolerate them.

I wonder if we’ll ever find out why Ecco was so devoted to Jeremiah.  Because she was – back last season – before all the gas stuff. Fiercely devoted.  It didn’t feel like a romantic thing – and I was curious to find out what it was.  Had he helped her out of a bad situation?  Did his working set-up meet her needs and personality in some particular way?

Thoughts?

[tassium]

#TAYLOR SWIFT APPRECIATION LIFE

PART 6 - reputation

(part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5)

Listen. This was by far the hardest review for me to get going into properly. I love every single track on this album without exception, and it was SO HARD for me to come up with coherent comments to make on all of them.

But I think I managed alright, and we’re finally about to embark on the wild ride that is @taylorswift‘s 6th studio album, reputation.

Hang on tight, and please keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times.

1. ...Ready For It?

No, Taylor, none of us were ready for this, not even a little bit.

Can we just talk about that introduction? like. What a way to kick off an album. This track grabs you by the hand and just pulls you along for the ride, like “get in losers”. That little throat clear at the beginning! the beat that drops off and lets her voice go all light and ethereal! This song is a wild ride from start to finish, and I love it. “Let the games begin” indeed.

And that MUSIC VIDEO!!! I want the rest of that movie, please.

I made a reaction video to this track/video and if you wanna check it out, click here

2. End Game

I love the synths at the beginning of this song, but I’ll be honest that Future’s verse took some time to grow on me. Ed’s verse and Taylor’s on the other hand? Boy. Those grabbed me from the start, as did the harmonies that are laced all through this track.

Is it just me or was this the first time she used the word enemies for the people she’s clashed with? I feel like that’s a new thing. 

I also reacted to this one when the video dropped, click here to watch

3. I Did Something Bad

Okay so first and foremost. Taylor Alison Swift, in the year of our lord 2017, swearing on a track out there in front of god and everybody. I feel like if there was any remaining ‘oh she’s just a sweet young thing’ attitude from anyone, this album shattered it to pieces in the best way.

The production on this track, I can’t even. This is an explosive track, it just hits you like a train and drags you along for the ride. There’s a bit on the way out of the track where she says “I did something bad” in a straight spoken voice and it is. Too much for this weak swiftie!

4. Don’t Blame Me

This sacrilegious hymn of a track. I swear. That almost broken electronic wavering synth behind the chorus. The choir effect on her voice. The stripped down beat-driven verse. The lyrics in general? My dude. I can’t. Also anyone who still thinks she has no range can physically fight me after that note after the bridge. That’s power is what that is.

Also can we talk about that behind the scenes clip of her filming the angry distant vocals for the chorus? I’m weak.

5. Delicate

Another thing I’m weak for is use of vocoder. And that beat that comes in for the verse! AND THAT LITTLE ‘delicate’ IN THE CHORUS!! kills me every single time. I’ll be honest here and say that the video for Delicate didn’t really grab me as much as some of the others, but the song itself certainly did.

Can we just. Talk for a second about how sad it is to think about that concept of ‘wow. you must really actually like me if you’re hanging around through all this mess.’ 

One of my favorite things in this track is the descending harmony behind “sometimes when I look into your eyes”. I always want to sing along with the harmony instead of the melody on that part because I find it so compelling.

6. Look What You Made Me Do

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN! that building drumline is absolutely gorgeous and I can’t not air drum to it - I don’t even play drums!

Also, yes, I am fully aware that I JUST SAID on the 1989 review that Out of the Woods was too repetitive for me, and here I am raving about this song which... honestly. Is just as repetitive if not more so. But this song just grabs me so much more and so instantly that I really get into the repetition (And maybe that has something to do with the familiarity because of the sampled melody).

That plinking lead line thing, and oh my god, the percussion on the second chorus. I can’t.

The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now CAUSE SHE’S DEAD. And I feel like with lover about to come out, maybe we’re killing off yet another “old taylor”

click here for my reaction video

7. So It Goes...

I read somewhere that the tracks with the ellipses on them mark out the edges of the “side A” part of the album, and it’s the spot where things shift over to a different feeling, and I believe it.

Again, this track has absolutely outstanding production on it, the softness dropping into the driving beats, and the bridge. Oh my god. I’m still not over that whispered “1 2 3″. And that line “i’m not a bad girl but I do bad things with you’ reminds me of blank space and that “I can make the bad guys good for a weekend” it’s like the inverse of it.

Also welcome to the first track on this album that I refuse to let my dad listen to - “scratches down your back” indeed t a y l o r

8. Gorgeous

Adorable baby voice!! This song is so great, I love it to pieces. I love the sort of bitter quality about it and the way she’s taken how tumblr and twitter fandom talks about celebrities and made it just a mainstream piece of her song.

Also is that a bell like the kind they put on counters to get the attention of the person working? because I can’t help but hit the bell (air bell!) when it comes in and that’s what I always picture when I do so.

I can’t come up with anything more coherent so .... guess I’ll just stumble on home to my cats.... ;)

9. Getaway Car

More vocoder! I love. The wording in this song is so evocative and brings up such perfect, crisp mental images for me, and she applied that to perfect metaphors for the situation in question. I love the idea of how.... like. It’s a rebound relationship, right? but it’s the getaway car from the previous relationship. And really, you can’t be surprised when something like that doesn’t last as long.

Also that outro beat? Be still my heart!

10. King of My Heart

THIS SONG!!!! More gorgeous vocoder use, of course, but then also. So many little things about the lyrics that get me! “Salute to me, I’m your American queen” and “jag-u-ars” and the way she sings “luxury” and just!!! so much!

As for the musical side of things, I absolutely adore that really subtle acoustic guitar in the chorus, and the DRUMS in the post-chorus (or whatever you want to call that bit). They’re so full and almost feel-it-in-your-chest even just in headphones! (I’m still not sure I survived that concert)

11. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Early on I had a half-baked theory that this song is about John Mayer, but the timeline doesn’t work at all, so... definitely not. Still though, think about it. “slow dancing in a burning room”/”swaying as the room burned down”

That aside, though, this song makes me think of the Halsey track Bad at Love if ONLY because of the theme of melancholy looking back at relationships that felt doomed from the start (or didn’t, as the case may be, I don’t know)

But also just. Taylor’s vocal performance on this song. Those ‘ad libs’ in the background of the final chorus have so much power in them.

12. Dress

And here we have the other Taylor song I won’t let my dad listen to. He would be scandalized to death by this song.

I love that lyric about the golden tattoo. I can’t really explain what it is about that line that gets me so much.

More beautiful production - something about the tracks on this album feels so grand for lack of better word. Plus there’s that moment in this song “say my name and everything just STOPS” and the whole thing goes silent... I will never forget the feeling of that line coming out and the way the whole stadium went dark.

13. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Ahhhhh I love this song. Gotta love a nice sassy Taylor style clapback, right? Beautiful.

“Feeling so Gatsby” is the best line for getting her point across. You don’t even have to be particularly familiar with the work that references, it just brings the opulence to mind effortlessly.

That laugh in the bridge though, and the tumbling low piano crash afterward, I love it so much. Again to reference the tour, it was such a great extended moment of laughter. So great.

14. Call It What You Want

This... Is probably my favorite track on the album, if I were pressed to name one. I adore this song so completely. I still get just emotionally overcome if I take the time to really pay attention to this song when it comes on. I love it so much, and it’s such a beautiful hopeful song. Like, yeah, my life’s been a right mess but it’s better now with you in it, and just.... this song fills me with feelings like that one animation in the lizzie mcguire movie. 90s kids, you know the one I mean. (lover, the song, gives me those same feelings, just amplified like 30x)

The smile in her voice on “yes” can almost bring me to tears all by itself.

my reaction video can be found here

15. New Year’s Day

Speaking of beautiful mushy-feelings-bringing tracks... The fact that these two are paired back to back like this is just bringing both barrels to my emotions. Gosh.

At the show, I’d taken my shoes off literally two songs prior - I was the girl carrying her shoes in the lobby.

I love so much that it’s just her with a piano and then a little bit of guitar, and those soft self-harmonies on some parts - “please don’t ever become a stranger” reminds me of Enchanted.

This song will without fail make me cry because it’s just so soft and I’m so happy for her. I can’t believe how long it’s been and she’s so happy and in love and. Even when this song came out. Gosh.

We did it, yall. We’ve made it up to date, and it’s almost time for Lover to come out! I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready. My emotions aren’t ready. Gosh.

Anyway, thanks for coming along with me on this ride. See you on the other side of the release!