#to be clear I UNDERSTAND the societal pressures okay I get it

[franny-glasses]

To be clear, this is not me trying to be a bitch nor am I pointing fingers, but I just think that the cognitive dissonance required to say “wow it’s so sad that young girls these days are asking for face creams and anti-aging materials for Christmas 💔 we’re failing our daughters” and then immediately go “actually wearing a full face of makeup is empowering and a feminist choice because I’m a woman making the choice ☺️” while refusing to admit—or care—that as a class our actions do affect other women/don’t exist in an echo chamber is alarming, to say the least.

[sir-klauz]

Poly is not the same as your partner cheating on you, stop associating us as such, it’s discriminatory and defamation of character! Poly people can absolutely cheat, anyone could cheat. Cheaters sometimes disguise themselves as poly people, same as people who just prefer sleeping around (do you! poly means different things to different people but usually sleeping around isn’t to do with making sure everyone agrees you’re more just unattached) rather than polyamory, some people don’t really know what it means and think they are, and are not, but that sometimes takes time to figure out.

The clear rule is consent for all parties. If that is missing, it’s not happening. I’m sick of being accosted by people of all genders who just want to use me to cheat, or who are forcing their partners to agree to it, then try lying to me that they’re okay with it, which still is not consent for me or them. Or if their partner says no, they still continue to accost me. Like, me and your partner are that invaluable to your selfish self centred ass? We are people. It mentally harms me as well, but poly people don’t usually get any sympathy for cheaters entering our spaces in sheep’s clothing. We always apparently deserve it or 100% agreed to it or “wasn’t lied to bc they are just sex demons” because of the monogamous leading ignorant societal assumptions and force feeding of the money grabbing business of marriage (marriage is all well and good, but it’s used as profit and to gain millions of pounds of coin all year round so it wouldn’t be “beneficial” if more people were like hmm maybe not marriage as it’s illegal to marry multiple people). There’s nothing wrong with loving numerous people, you can’t help nor stop that, just like we love multiple friends at once. But it’s how you navigate that, so don’t be in a monogamous relationship if you can’t/will cheat instead of trying out polyamory with only consenting parties.

Likewise, respect if poly people get into a monogamous relationship, respect if a someone who was in a monogamous relationship comes out as poly and stop judging them. I’ve had people try pressure me into not being faithful “because you used to be poly” babe I still am, but I still don’t want to experience that right now! I literally needing to focus on other things! And you can bet I won’t consider you again if you can’t respect my boundaries or consent because that would not turn into a partner who values me. I’ve also had people apply monogamous norms of jumping to the next parter/breaking up with the last, to me, with me somehow needing to leave my primary partner in order to be with them in a monogamous relationship? Like what? What??? Why’re your fishing in poly pools for a new mono partner???

And no it’s a lie if you think jealousy is impossible either. Everyone gets jealous. The point is once again, communication, consent, and trying to understand your partners needs.

[celestetcetera]

Okay I have a lot of thoughts on the apology scene during The Play, prepare for a mini essay!

First of all, I’ve seen people upset that Michael asks for an apology before giving Jeremy the Red, since y’know, time is kind of the essence when your brain is being hijacked by a supercomputer, but I think it’s very fair from his POV to ask for this. Like yeah, he knows a fair bit about squips, but he definitely doesn’t have the whole picture. He researched them yes, but he’s not an expert and mostly just going off a few anecdotal stories and not much else. He certainly doesn’t understand just how bad the squips are, and as evidenced from what happens right after this moment, isn’t aware the Squip can take over Jeremy’s body, at least in the capacity that it does. So he’s definitely not sensing the whole danger when he does this, and I’d imagine he probably wouldn’t ask for an apology if he fully understood the situation.

ALSO a point I wanted to mention that I don’t think I’ve seen anybody talk about is that Michael demanding an apology might’ve actually worked out in their benefit? Like, consider what would have happened if he hadn’t. Yeah, Jeremy gets his hands on it right then, but the Squip would’ve likely just taken control of his body and dumped it earlier. Maybe in a way that they wouldn’t have been able to salvage it. I mean, we know the Squip had the proper energy/mental standing to overpower Jeremy at this moment, but not after.

Also, while obviously the Squip is manipulating Jeremy, his actions are still partially his fault. Michael deserves an apology, though admittedly not ideally while he’s holding the one thing Jeremy needs over his head. Narratively, I think making Jeremy apologize to Michael at the climax of the action works really well. When you look into the themes of this story, it’s clear the Squip represents societal pressure, so you can also view this story as one about a kid who chooses these pressures over maintaining his closest relationships. Taking into account this secondary plot, it makes sense to address the fact that Jeremy needs to try to fix his relationship with Michael in order to end his arc with the Squip. Also, I really love how this narrative presents in their ensuing fight — yes, the Squip forces Jeremy to argue with Michael, but everything he says is clearly something Jeremy actually feels. He is genuinely jealous that Michael is okay with being a loser. This of course ties back into the Squip representing societal pressure, and it’s this pressure that causes Jeremy to think this way. I love that! I think it’s really important to showcase this dynamic in their relationship before moving on to stopping the evil robots.

[kedreeva]

hi, me again. thank you so much for your reply and taking the time to explain☺️ I've seen some discourse about Eddie being a bad influence on Chrissie for selling her Special K and that he would get her off the straight and narrow or in general for selling drugs and I wanted to hear your take on it since I feel you have such deep understanding of his character. I don't consider him "problematic" or the likes, and I feel it doesn't take away from his character being the protector of the group. Most blogs talking about the two scenes with him and Chrissie are Edissie or anti Edissie and it's difficult to find blogs who would look at it in a realistic way that focuses on the characters with their complexities and not on their dynamic as romantic or not romantic☺️

Not my typical fare but okay!

The first thing I have to say up front is that I'm p o s i t i v e that both sides of this are discussing the issue as if the characters are real people who have real agency and could have done anything differently. They can't. They never could have, because they aren't real people and they have no agency. Regardless of ANYthing else, Chrissy went to Eddie because the plot needed Eddie to witness Chrissy die in order to drag him into the shenanigans, and she went home with him because the plot needed Eddie to be on the run because he's suspected of Chrissy's murder. That's it. EVERYTHING else is flavor text. There's no "he could make her worse" or "she could make him better" because they're both dead tools of a bad plot.

The second thing I want to make clear is that SALS is a backbone of fandom and should remain so. I don't care who ships what. I don't care. Also I don't care if someone considers a character "problematic." If you see shitheads calling characters problematic, just block them! It's very easy. One button click will VASTLY improve your experience of fandom. The people who call characters problematic are people I don't want to interact with like.... ever. Because they haven't learned critical thinking skills and we will not get along. "Problematic" is a purity wank word used by people who haven't figured out that things are not black and white and that media doesn't need to be morally pure to be good or to be liked. "Problematic" is a fucking meaningless word used by people who haven't grown up enough to just say "I don't like this character and that's a me problem."

BUT. If we want to talk about the flavor of the text, we shall do so on the condition that we all agree you can't argue taste. In this context, I use this to mean that I'm not going to argue anyone's headcanons, because that's literally all the above arguments you've listed are. He cannot lead her down any paths- they are both dead. We can extrapolate where things might have gone, we can have favored headcanons for how they might have interacted later on, we can have reasonable ideas of canon-divergence paths. But it's all headcanon. It's all supposition. It's taste, and I won't argue it, I'll just tell you what flavors I taste.

To answer your question(s) (finally), we have to look at what we know about Chrissy. Which is.... not a lot. She's a cheerleader with insecurities, particularly about her body (given the hallucinations of her mother's nagging her about her size). She is dating Jason (poor life choices imo, but also the choice that makes the most sense for her social status and societal pressures of the times). She's seeing a counselor who isn't able to help her (through no fault of the counselor's or Chrissy's). She's suffering physical and mental pains due to being hunted by Vecna, because Vecna is going after her for the same reasons he'll go after the others- socially/emotionally/communally, she's somehow isolated herself from other human connection that should have been able to support her and help her (the same way we see Max cutting herself off from her friends and family over her issues).

None of that has anything to do with Eddie. At all.

Eddie comes into the picture because Chrissy chooses ("chooses" but remember as a character she has no agency and cannot choose this, the writers chose this for her because they needed things to happen for the plot) to handle her problems not by talking to her friends or trying to connect with human beings, but by seeking drugs to escape. Where and how she acquires them actually has no bearing on Eddie's character. If Eddie hadn't been selling drugs, Chrissy still would have sought someone to buy them from. That's NOT Eddie's choice, that's Chrissy's choice. It is ALSO Chrissy's choice to ask him if he has anything stronger than what he initially offers.

This is not Eddie "leading" her anywhere. He seems genuinely surprised, a little suspicious, and kind of annoyed about doing the deal at all until he sees that she's clearly having some problems, at which point he switches to concerned. Before that, he offers her an out with "We don't have to do this" and saying all she has to do is say the word and he'll walk away. At this point, it's not his business why she wants the drugs or why she'd back out of the deal. To be clear, I've never sold drugs in my life, but I feel like it's the sort of business where you just don't ask questions about why someone wants them or what they're gonna do with them or anything. It's not your concern, and frankly I feel like the less you know probably the better.

And... well, to be perfectly honest? Outside of shipping goggles (which I will don at will), the two don't seem to really know each other at all. The last common ground they are cited to have was a middle school talent show, which was, what, like 6 years prior? 6 years when you're 18-20ish is like. a third of your life ago. They've been going to the same small high school where people clearly, like, Know Everyone, and the last instance either of them can recall an interaction was when Eddie was in middle school? I'm sorry but to me, that just doesn't speak to him having a lot of influential power over her. EVEN in a vulnerable state.

She's there because she asked to be there, she follows him home because she asked for more. She went to him, not the other way around.

And we absolutely CANNOT forget the extra factor that she was literally being hunted by a supernatural monster capable of warping her thoughts and feelings, who was using her shame and guilt against her to an extreme degree, causing her to hallucinate, giving her headaches and nightmares- the whole shebang. She's NOT in her right state of mind AND Eddie has NO WAY to know that. imo, neither one of them is at fault here, they are both victims of their own and each others' circumstances. It's unfortunate for them both, but it is what it is.

But it DOES leave a few questions that you may find relevant.

First: If she HAD been in her right state of mind (ie, no vecna), would she have gone to Eddie for drugs in the first place? No, probably not; according to Jason, who arguably does know her best USUALLY in TYPICAL times, she would not have touched the stuff. As much as I think Jason is a total douche, given the surprise from Eddie that Chrissy came to him in the first place, I actually believe Jason's belief that Chrissy wouldn't do that.

Second: If she HAD NOT come to Eddie first, would he have gone to her? Given that they have not interacted in the 6 years he'd been in HS, with several of them being the same years as her, and not interacted since he was in middle school... I'm gonna have to go with no, he wouldn't have. Why would he? They obviously run in completely separate social circles and he's left her alone the entire rest of the time.

Third: If Eddie had KNOWN about the reasons she was not in her right mind (ie, vecna), would he have tried to sell her drugs still? It's hard to say for sure, but given that he doesn't try to sell or give Max any drugs, or suggest that as a solution to anyone else in the group, I'm gonna go with No, he wouldn't have. Why would he? That's not gonna solve the problem and may, in fact, make the problems much worse. In normal times it wouldn't have solved the problems either but I feel like he probably has some sympathy for wanting to escape real life for a little while- considering he also plays DND, he seems familiar with the desire to escape real life for a little bit, any way he can.

And in fact, the most we see him interact with any substances outside of his stuff with Chrissy is a) to request beer from Nancy and b) to have his cigarette swatted away by Robin (which he reacts to with mild disbelief/annoyance and nothing else). He doesn't push anything on anyone else, he doesn't talk about it to anyone else. The drug dealing seems to be, at best, a side hustle for some cash under normal circumstances. Which, given his life circumstances, and the way he talks about his dad, it's probably not even something he is terribly invested in doing a lot of, but also may not see much of a choice if it's something easy that he's good at that helps him and his uncle get by. And, at least in my own mind, may be something he does to be less of a burden on Wayne (not that I think Wayne would ever think that, not that I think children are a burden on their caretakers, just that I can see where Eddie might see that for himself, or even that he just has things he wants, like his guitar or his DND supplies etc, that he may not want to ask Wayne for the money to buy).

In conclusion, I don't remember the question, but I hope this answers it.

[northerngoshawk]

4, 16, 19, and 22 for the wip ask game!

because I forgot to ask for a snippet for the wip ask game:🌹

lol no worries, i'mma do it all in this ask for convenience 😌 thanks for the ask, choco!

for this game, i will be talking about my only active wip: my forbidden lovers au for kataang!

4. What percentage of your WIP do you think you have done so far?

uhhhh if we were to go by section, little over 1/3. i have 4 out of 12 sections completely written with one being written out right now and the rest mostly summary notes. but in terms of word count, right now my doc reads 10k, and i haven't even written out the majority of these sections. projected word count is 20k minimum, so i have to split this into at least two chapters.

these sections are turning out to be really, really, really long 🥲

16. What are you most excited about with finishing this WIP?

actually finishing it

but i'm also really really really excited to share this fic with the world. i have yet to see a fic that has this exact premise, and while i wish i wasn't the one to write it, it doesn't really matter in the end, so long as this fic exists, yanno?

also finishing all the kataang scenes, because i missed writing for them 🥺

19. What is a favorite line of dialogue so far?

ah, good question! needless to say, i don't really want to reveal the context for fear of spoiling all the goodness, but i will share this little snippet 😌

“But…” She swallowed thickly, suddenly finding it very hard to breathe, and looked down at the ground. “There is something that he needs to apologize for.”

trust me, once you see the context this line is in, you'll understand why 🤣😌

22. What is a spoiler you can give us for something incredibly insignificant in your WIP?

so since this wip is going to be so long, my supposed "spoiler" should be pretty obvious. but whatever lol

so the "spoiler" here is that Aang and Katara get together at the end of the fic, aka NO DEATH and NO SADNESS at the end. but again, not a big surprise. the focus on the fic is less going to be about that and more about how they get together, especially in lieu of this alternate universe's societal pressures on Aang and Katara. okay, that sounds a lot deeper than it actually is, but the point is, the focus will be on the journey, not the endgame 😌

(oh also this is a childhoodfriends!kataang fic which plays a part in the worldbuilding of this universse)

and since you asked for it, i will give not just one snippet, but a few paragraphs' worth 😌 (slightly modified to prevent spoilers)

After a pause, Katara cleared her throat. “How’d you figure?”

She had meant for her words to come out scathing, accusatory, but all that left her was a half-hearted, weary question. She could no longer bring herself to care enough to be angry. And maybe, just maybe, a part of her was curious on how Sokka came to that conclusion.

Sokka dragged his eyes up to Katara. “He was the only one who could make you smile,” he said. His mouth twisted down and his eyes shadowed with the vestiges of grief. “Ever since…”

Katara swallowed, her throat suddenly tight.

The stone pendant hung heavy from her neck.

After a moment of silence, Sokka seemed to gather enough of himself to continue, “And even now, you’re not happy. Not really.” Sokka looked back up to Katara, his expression unusually somber. “You haven’t been happy since they took him away.”

Katara couldn’t help but bristle at the implication in his words, even as a small part of her heart twinged at his words. She opened her mouth to retort, but the look on Sokka’s face halted her. Maybe it was the tiredness in his eyes, the bags underneath them. Maybe it was the raggedness of his expression.

Maybe it was the way he looked so much like their father—old, weary, sad.

“Katara, I want you to be honest with yourself.” Sokka’s eyes bored into her soul. “When was the last time you were happy? Truly happy?”

i'm super excited to share this wip with the world, and i hope you guys will enjoy when it comes out!!

WIP ask game

[elekinetic]

patrick nancy agenda go

LETS GO

ok so for those of you who don't know my Patrick McKinney Lore, consider this s4 au:

patrick is a steve-esque figure for lucas. maybe we borrow some stuff from lucas on the line. he's popular, well-liked. kind of close with jason (to increase dramatic tension between the two). he uses popularity as a shield the same way lucas wants to. they bond over that.

after chrissy dies, he's silently skeptical of jason's mob-mentality.

gareth is the 3rd victim. when jason goes to the corroded coffin rehearsal, we get some hints that he is gonna Get Vecna'd. when jason attacks gareth, we watch lucas struggle with sticking up for what is right (which would put him in danger) and sticking with the safety of the pack. patrick, who has made this decision countless times, sees lucas struggling. this sparks some doubt of his own.

at the hendersons, patrick catches lucas leaving. he lets lucas go and leads the jocks in a different direction.

we add a scene at lovers lake between patrick and jason where they fight over jason's hellbent desire to kill eddie. gareth, who'd have a pre-established reason to be at the lake, would get vecna'd. the basketball team would watch, and this ends in patrick getting the fuck out of there. he knows this wasn't hellfire, but he jason's mind wont change. (plus i think having the added angle of "oh look now their sacrificing their own members" would be interesting)

something something patrick joins the teens. eddie dies in a meaningful way. their "i didn't run" journeys parallel each other.

end of s4/early s5 patrick's arc is about clearing eddie's name. he's a respected community member and though he struggles to get people on his side, he becomes a community leader. he represents the best of hawkins.

now, onto patrick x nancy <3

i am a jancy endgame girl. this is jancy endgame compliant.

HOWEVER

they are still going thru it in s4.

fuck stancy noise, we're replacing the six nuggets scene with a scene between nancy and patrick while theyre getting ready for battle. they bond over facing parental/societal pressure, esp in the wake of "popularity." he tells nancy that she's brave. that he's sorry she has to be. maybe its a little flirty, but its definitely sincere.

(also we're just slipping the six nuggets dream into a convo steve has w robin abt what he wants his future to look like, if they make it out of here alive. its important we get this foreshadowing for steves impending s5 death)

there are a couple more moments between patrick and nancy, mostly charged w him being chivalrous and checking to make sure she's okay.

when jonathan returns, patrick steps back.

in s5, jonathan and patrick have a conversation about how nancy deserves honesty.

blah blah dramatic conversations and moments happen throughout s5. jonathan + patrick + nancy team up. jonathan saves nancy, nancy saves patrick, patrick saves jonathan. patrick and nancy's relationship grows strongs as it becomes more and more platonic throughout s5, esp as jancy is drawn back together.

the whole situation ends with nancy and patrick being very close friends. best friends. they understand each other fundamentally.

as im writing this, im realizing i lowkey wrote stoncy (but make it better). i sort of wrote steve, but make him better. oh my god. but heres the difference between steve and patrick. steve starts as vapid and overprivileged. patrick starts with a struggle. they both grow, but patrick grows into a community leader, while steve focuses on his own identity (not in a sexuality way. in a person way). plus i think the conflict between him and (a only sort of torn up in this au) jason is a SUPER interesting angle and i wish i could see them use it to explore the hellfire+mob plot.

anyway patrick mckinney deserved better than that excuse of a death and i wish i could give it to him

[kazuwhora]

Ya kno you talking about how there’s that feeling of needing to “compete” against the societal pressures of liking someone who isn’t only wlw is something I hadn’t even thought of

As a bisexual girl I genuinely was very ignorant about that, I never even thought about that so if u don’t mind me asking (like genuinely if u think I’m dumb ignore me/this ask) how can someone who’s not exclusively wlw make their lesbian partner feel appreciated or reassure them in this sense?

- 🌸anon (if this isn’t taken?)

it is definitely something thats overlooked in the community and I feel like it's almost hard or sensitive to talk about as a lesbian because of the amount of biphobia out there especially in the wlw community BUT it is a valid thing that lesbians and other labels that are attracted to non-cis men have to deal with, and I think it's important to be aware of the pressures that we face because of that.

but in the end, it shouldn't fall completely on the shoulders of our partners to make up for the societal pressure we face regarding our sexuality, but a large component I know a lot of people struggle with is when bi people (or other similar sexualities) pretty much consistently talk, post, or fantasize about men only. it's 100% okay to have a preference and to imagine what you want to imagine, but it does get really really exhausting when the only content you see as a lesbian whether it be on social media, tumblr, or just in general is all m/f material. but like I said, it's 100% ok to have a preference and to share and post what you want to post. but it is really hard when lets say on tumblr, scrolling through your dash every thirst post or every hentai panel or every sexual related post is only m/f and never wlw.

from a relationship aspect? I think the best thing to do is make sure to understand and hear their concerns and insecurities when/if they choose to voice them, and understand that it's not a personal issue with you as much as it is a pressure of society that weighs on our shoulders. reassurance, affection for some, and a very clear establishment of what that person means to you and how much you enjoy what they do/bring to your life is probably the best way of conveying that!

ty for asking this!! I think its really important to have these conversations especially when it comes to bi and lesbian communities and relationships, because I feel like this heteronormative society pits us against each other whenever one side has a concern or insecurity related to the other and immediately divides us. I know a lot of bi girls are insecure about their relationships with a lesbian partner because they are afraid that liking men will make their partner like them less or look at them differently, and I think the second these valid concerns are expressed on either side it's immediately labelled as lesphobia or biphobia when really it's no fault of either side and falls completely on the shoulders of heteronormativity and toxic masculinity that is so rampant in our world

EDIT: I forgot to add a big thing I notice here is the severe lack of support for wlw content in regards to writing. while its not directly connected to relationships, it does have a huge effect on the confidence of lesbians when we write lesbian or wlw content only for the people that consistently support our m/f content to not even touch or interact with the wlw stuff. it sucks big time sobs

[tobeornottotc]

The Problems with HIStory4; Close To You Ep 1-4 (Observation and Comments)

The verdict is out!  I actually enjoy History4, as much as there's problematic elements to it, and it does feel a bit like a regression; the acting is great, the chemistry is perfect, and it's not as bad as the trailer made it seem. Like yes, we have a very invasive annoying fujoshi trope, but the characters are written in a way that it makes sense that they fall into this.

The Fujoshi Harassing Invasive Fake Dating Trope:

Cheng is so childish and so up in the clouds, and from a typical sexist, ignorant flawed man perspective, it's like he's always never taken anything seriously because he doesn't see any need to. Also, because he doesn't take anything seriously, he's ignorant and very self-focused and takes things too far; it's his character flaw. The only person who keeps in line is Moren. Who is someone who takes a lot of things seriously but also kind of ignores or avoids feelings and what that entails.

Moren is very gentle and sweet with his friends whilst on the surface, he seems cold and distant, but he tends to be very comfortable and have fun, like the childish part of him is brought out by Cheng. They compliment each other so well. There's something about the way they like each other so unconditionally despite being so opposite to each other, they do care a lot, and they have a very ignorant homophobic mindset because of how they've been raised in society, so they don't know a lot about queerness and what it means, so that's interesting to see them learn their feelings and grow from that.

I like their domestic vibes and how they are when they're just together alone; it's not entirely romantic or in your face that there are feelings; it's very soft, and very based and focused on the depth of friendship that they've developed, and I think that's so cute and adorable to see. The only thing I don't like about their storyline is the fujoshi trope; she's not always there; she's hidden but her presence always reminds me of why this trope is so problematic because she should be called out for her invasiveness. She should be taught about why what she's doing is not okay; maybe she does, later on, do so but I can't tell how serious this writer wants to be with this show. She may have genuinely just wanted a typical old BL style novel like show in the past that we used to read that doesn't address problematic stuff.

The show is very light and funny with these twos story so she may not want it to be so serious, which is why I'm trying to be careful when analysing the show. My thing is the fujoshi thing needs to be addressed because her actions aren't okay more than Cheng and Moren. The trailer for the show is wildly exaggerated and made me dread watching the show. Still, although Cheng is sometimes quite touchy and can fall into that line of harassment, it's been called out by Moren in episode 1, and everything in the trailer that seemed problematic with harassment for them isn't like it is.  It's just them joking around and being Moren and Cheng. Moren may feel weirded out by some situations, but it's not against his consent, is what I'm trying to say. Cheng is not meant to be a perfect character; his flaw is his childishness, and how he doesn't take things seriously, so he comes across as rude, invasive, loud etc. But for them, there's nothing so far that is as bad as what the trailer suggested it would be. Maybe, later on, I'd change my mind.

The Stalker Obsessesive Step Brother Trope:

For Jie and Xingsi. It's different. It's the same issues with stories about obsession, possession and trauma tropes. People will not like Jie because the reason why he does what he does, is because his character outline is based on a mental disorder (that isn't even diagnosed, but it's clear he's on a  sociopathic spectrum), he's emotionally shut off, so he doesn't have any feelings, doesn't know when he's gone too far or when he is doing something to others that are seen as problematic. All he focuses on is his feelings for XingSi because he's the only person who makes him care.

Not goanna lie, their storyline has toxic elements, and it is weird that the show wants to humanise his actions and make him seem pitiful. For me, he is pitiful, and I do understand why he acts the way he does, but I think others would have an issue with him. I think it's hard to accept the storyline because it is romanticising toxicity and dependency, but I kinda after being freaked out by him; I've come to kind of understand why they write his character the way they did for him and Xingsi. The theme of these two's story is conforming to societal pressures vs being free and accepting your self. So they kind of help each other with the other's problem/issue.

You can decide if you want to see that as romantic or if you are so turned off by Jie's insensitive actions. For me, this is a typical toxic storyline that makes sense to me why they'll be together. For example, when looking at Jie; Obviously, he's been nurtured into developing parts of being sociopathic to deal with the pain of his childhood. It's not an excuse to let him get away with his actions; I'm just saying I understand his character outline. He doesn't trust people; he doesn't let anyone in. So he's automatically someone with sociopathic tendencies, very possessive, can be aggressive if he isn't sure he trusts what's happening, alienates himself and doesn't care for how others view him. But he's someone who kind of helps Xingsi deal with his own secrets; Xingsi is someone determined to be responsible/right in society; hence he hides himself and his actual wants and needs to please people.

So Jie, with his own twisted ways, is always a catalyst to helping Xingsi find out what he wants and for Xingsi to come to terms with being brave and showing who he really is to people. In a way, Jie, because he's so emotionally uncaring about what others think of him, is the antithesis to Xingsi; he is freer because he's not hiding who he is or conforming to what others think is right/wrong he only cares about his own freedom/happiness. So he provides that way and escape for Xingsi to be himself and stop pretending or acting to please people and society. That's what the writers are trying to achieve with them. Jie is then also taught about feelings and emotions because of having Si as someone he does care for automatically and does want to change for and be gentle to whilst Si learns to accept himself /stop conforming to societal pressures.

They follow typical old BL novels in the past; they have problematic issues and toxic stuff around them to discuss, and they're very flawed; they are written to help each other deal with their flaws/issue by falling for each other. Is it right to romanticize that storyline? Maybe or maybe not, we need to do better stories for BL; that's something we know, it's not okay to always have toxic or problematic storylines, but if you know me, I also enjoy the past BL tropes as well. I like toxic storylines because they have so much interesting character dynamics that are wild to explore and analyse. They usually are very angsty and dramatic, and they have a good plot. That's something I never try to hide away from, I don't agree with when people say you shouldn't write toxic storylines or add problematic characters, but that's an argument for another day etc., I just want it to be called out when its a toxic thing/problematic trope like give consequences and show them learning why its wrong, or have them go through a character development.  

It's not going to make me judge the show so badly or stop watching it when I actually enjoy the friendship, characters and lighthearted, funny vibes the show brings every Sunday. Like it makes me smile and laugh when I'm watching Cheng and Moren, and it makes me think when I watch Xingsi and Jie. So yeh I enjoy the show and I'm not ashamed to say it.

[blogsanscontext]

A Closer Look at: Momoe Sawaki’s character arc; by a nonbinary (trans) viewer.

CW: Major spoilers for Wonder Egg Priority + mentions and discussion of sexual assault, transphobia, lesbophobia, self-harm; please proceed with caution.

Wonder Egg Priority came as a relatively pleasant surprise for me; I heard about it some time after the first few episodes aired, but I never actively went out of my way to ever try to watch it myself until, that is, a few days ago. I must say, I’m glad to have taken the initiative to experience such anime on my own.

With a stunning animation to accompany the heavy subjects this work touches on, I quickly fell in love with it; all the characters feel very grounded in reality, with their struggles (even someone like Neiru’s, who is a literal genius and CEO of her own company) feeling relatable in one way or another. Episode 7 became my favorite due to this very thing, Rika’s problems were things that not only have I seen in other works before, but that I know exist because of the stories told in the news every so often. It only helped, in my opinion, that they gave a character with her background such a hopeful ending.

That being said, Wonder Egg is not a perfect anime, and though I didn’t expect it to be in the first place, I do think talking about why some of the ways it handles a specific character of the main cast are problematic are worth the time. When I mentioned that “all the characters feel very grounded in reality”, I actually only meant three of them, a.k.a.: Ai, Rika and Neiru. The reason Momoe is not included in this group is what I will be discussing in the next paragraphs.

This anime lets you know, right off the bat, that it will not stray away from heavy subjects throughout the duration of its runtime; the show deals with suicidal idealization (and actual suicide as well as its aftermath; in fact, “female suicide” is at the very core of the show and is what essentially moves it forward), self-harm, sexual assault, same-sex relationships, transphobia, and being a gender noncomforming person in a society that punishes you for not adhering to the roles it has imposed on you since childhood. The last points are the ones I took issue with, however, and though they are mostly the show’s fault, they also took it upon themselves to make Momoe be at the center of all three.

See, when we are first introduced to Momoe, we can guess by context that she is a girl, however, the other characters aren’t aware of this fact yet, and so they seemingly go out of their way to call her a boy, which makes her deeply uncomfortable, and this (ie. her reaction to be treated or perceived as a boy) is a running theme throughout her arc. This, in itself, isn’t really the worst creative direction to take with a character, it’s a story that has been told time and time again, but there is a problem with the way Wonder Egg Priority specifically deals with it: Momoe is cisgender, and so far, there hasn’t been a sign of this changing whatsoever, so she will most likely remain cis until the show ends. Normally, a story about a gender noncomforming cis person wouldn’t be seen as anything out of the extraordinary, as I’ve mentioned before, but it seems that they wanted to… “innovate”, so to say, with her character. And it’s this innovation, in my opinion, that which makes Momoe’s struggles miss the mark for me.

Momoe is perceived, almost ridiculously so, as a boy by whoever even so much as stumbles upon her; her followers on Instagram most likely worship her because they’re under the impression that she’s a bishounen, and yet the show goes out of its way to deal with just how uncomfortable this makes her. This is the issue I take with her and her arc: the show has a keen awareness of AFAB people’s issues, and treats them with the respect they deserve (which is not to say some jokes at their expense aren’t made, but in general this tone is kept throughout the duration of the story), and yet the tone-deaf manner in which they deal with her issues feels… disappointing, to say the least.

Momoe’s struggles, though they are valid on their own, are not a societal issue, no matter how one may look at them; if she were a trans person (either a trans girl, boy, or nonbinary), the strong emphasis on her discomfort at being misgendered would have made so much more sense. The reason why ‘switching around’ the stereotype of a tomboy falls flat on its face is that there is no real pressure from society to present feminine, it’s what they want you to, or more accurately, force you to do if you’re perceived as being assigned female at birth; however, this is not where my issues with Momoe’s arc and character end.

At first, I imagined a variety of (albeit vague, still reasonable) reasons as to why this show couldn’t have just made Momoe be trans, and semi-understanding of this decision; that was, of course, until I watched the actual episode mostly focused on her struggles, and that’s when I got slightly mad. Being honest, I still think it was a good episode, and it definitely made Momoe seem way more sympathetic than any of her past appearances, but it also perfectly highlighted my problem with her, and subsequently, the show itself: using queer people’s actual, realistic, problems in order to push her, a cisgender character, forward.

The thing with Wonder Egg Priority is that I love how, despite all these girls literally risking their lives to save a specific person, they still seem to have conflicting feelings about them (ie. Rika’s mocking of Chiemi, Ai’s frustration towards Koito, etc.) but I also take issue with this when it comes to Momoe specifically; Haruka is very much intended to be seen as gay, yet when push comes to shove, we are supposed to be taking Momoe’s side in this conflict. We, the audience, see these events from her point of view, and are therefore made to feel, in one way or another, uncomfortable with Haruka’s attraction for her. Yes, Momoe has worked hard to bring her back to life, but the fact that she’s cis and heterosexual stands; this isn’t just exclusive to Haruka, however, but every egg she’s had to save in order to get her friend back. All of them express a clear attraction for Momoe, “despite her being a girl”, and it’s just very easy to read these attitudes as wlw-phobic, extremely so.

My biggest issue though lies within the very existence of Kaoru’s character, the trans boy she has to protect in the episode mainly focused on her; while he is an endearing and sympathetic character, and I like that despite him presenting ‘majorly female’, Momoe never misgenders him. The thing is: he’s made out to be almost a “parallel” of her own gender-related issues, and this is just a very tone-deaf statement to make; trans people fighting not to be misgendered, fighting to be called their chosen name (something Momoe, while being cis, can just freely enjoy) - trans people’s pain is very much real, which the show is aware of, but Momoe’s is very much an individual’s problem rather than the way society actually works, which Wonder Egg is seemingly unaware of, for whatever reason.

Before I arrive at my last point on why this comparison doesn’t work, I would like to quickly point out the fact that most, if not all, the eggs the girls have had to save until this point were specifically meant to be girls, in one way or another. Therefore, taking this into account, Kaoru makes me feel… a lot of things, the more time I spend thinking about it; the show acknowledges he’s a boy, though not cis of course, but still very much a boy, yet also places him in this very much ‘female’ space; no matter how I looked at it, I could find explanations both for an opinion in favor of this decision (the way a lot of trans men’s problems are defined by our patriarchal society seeing them as women) as well as some for an opinion against this decision (the fact that it could be read as the show ultimately deciding he’s ‘female-aligned’, etc.) and though I won’t be discussing this decision in-depth, I still possess that it’s an event worth examining from different lenses.

Now, onto the actual element that got me heated about Kaoru serving as a parallel to Momoe’s struggles: Kaoru was not only sexually assaulted by a man who’s always thought of him as a ‘pretty, delicate girl’, his death directly relates to the fact that he was abused and then impregnated by this man for not living up to his gross ideal of what a man and a woman are; contrast this to Momoe, who pretty much gets the treatment Kaoru would love to have: she’s pretty much right off the bat seen as a guy, she’s fawned over by women because of this fact as well, they literally call her ‘Momotaro’, etc. Taking all of this into account, it’s simply impossible for me to be okay with a comparison that ultimately decides a cisgender person’s discomfort is, in any sort of way, on equal grounds as a (might I remind you, dead) trans person’s basic human rights.

All in all, though her episode made me take a bigger liking to her character, it also served to almost perfectly highlight the very problem of her existence, as well as the “struggles” she’s intended to represent; I don’t hate Momoe in any sort of way, and though I know there must be someone somewhere who relates to her, I also think that they could’ve done something way more meaningful with her had they just made some changes that made her more realistic (as in, make her at least be LGBT rather than just cis and heterosexual); I will be patiently waiting for the finale, and who knows? Maybe something does change about her in the end, that would be even more of a pleasant surprise.

[karenwilson]

Buck and his romantic relationships

Honestly there is so much to dig into when it comes to Buck and his romantic relationships. There are some constants that can be found in nearly all of his relationships and some things that are constantly changing and evolving.

One think that strikes me about the women he has dated were strong and independent or arrived there at the end. Abby, Ali, Taylor, even Veronica they all stood their ground and were their own champions. They put their needs and mental & physical well-being first, something that society always expects women not to do. It's something I actually really appreciate about their storylines even if it comes with Buck being unhappy. None of the women set out to hurt him, they just didn't want to put themselves second. And that is perfectly okay.

But let's dive deeper into each of his relationships. Bear with me, it's a long one.

Abby Clark

Abby was his first serious relationship and now we know why. Due to his upbringing and his parents' abusive behaviour he never really forged any important relationships apart from Maddie. I think it got even worse when he got the jeep as he skipped from place to place, never staying for long anywhere. He didn't have ties anywhere and that made him restless and only seek out sex to forge some intimacy because that was all he thought he could get and something that would hurt him the least.

Anyway with Abby he was able to connect with a woman (one he wasn't working with anyway) on a deeper level. It only worked because it didn't start out as something physical. He didn't know what she looked, only knew her voice and good heart. I doubt they even would've met had it not been for the 911 calls, because they have so little in common.

Buck is actually pretty self-aware when it comes to his behaviour around women but hasn't really faced it before. That's why he tells her that he thinks it isn't a good idea if they meet, because he's worried he'll revert back to his usual coping strategies and it'll end up with him losing their connection.

But we also see that he's inexperienced and that although he knows how to seduce women he's lacking self-confidence in other aspects. He doesn't know unconditional love apart from Maddie and even that trust was broken when she didn't leave with him, when she left him behind. So he often worries he'll do something wrong and put her off; he goes over the top to get her attention - which he has done before in his life. Remember, he could only ever get his parents' attention when he did something big and reckless.

Abby has her own shit to deal with and Buck doesn't really know what to do with that in the beginning. It's not the light-hearted, sweet relationship he might have been hoping for but instead serious and heavy. But helped by Bobby's advice he works through his doubts and puts himself out there, puts Abby first. He always puts other people first, because that's who he is (and lbr, it's not healthy). Sadly to his own detriment because he is more invested than she is; Abby has her sick mother to take care of and is drawn in several directions at once. That's a heavy burden for anyone, especially someone working fulltime. She doesn't want to put her mother in a home as it wouldn't feel right but I also think it comes from a place of societal pressure for women to take care of other people. When her mother dies I actually thought it was a very real and important step for Abby to take put herself first, to take care of her own needs and do something that's vital to her claiming herself again.

I think Buck understands why she has to go but it still leaves him with the impression that he's never good enough, that people always leave. Because that's the experience he's made in life and nothing has changed that for him yet. And I totally get where he is coming from, that he believes it's his fault that she leaves, that he isn't good enough, that she doesn't love him enough. I do believe Abby never felt as deeply for Buck as he did for her but even if she did, sometimes love doesn't fix people. Abby was broken and exhausted and that's something Buck couldn't help with but that doesn't mean he wasn't enough.

She definitely did him dirty by leaving him in the dark and not giving him a clean break when she knew she was ready to move on.

Thanks to Maddie and the 118 he was able to partly work through those issues and put himself out there again.

Ali Martin

To be honest, Buck dating Ali came out of nowhere for me. Yes, they did connect a bit at the beginning of season two but I honestly didn't see her coming back as a love interest for Buck.

(And is it just me or do I just not remember it but Bobby stopped giving Buck relationship advice after Abby???)

But I thought they were really cute when they were together; the show just didn't make a very good job of establishing their relationship. They had to few scenes on the show but that was by design. I think the show never intended to keep Ali around, she was (sadly) just a plot device for the show to propel Buck's development. It established Buck's behaviours and the patterns in his romantic relationships. He years for deeper connections and a serious romantic relationship that he gets in too deep too fast. Buck doesn't do shit halfway, he gives it his all.

With Ali he was able to go the next steps of moving on from Abby, he had someone who made him happy for a while but of course the show had to reassert that people leave Buck, further damaging his self-esteem. I think it's perfectly understandable for her wanting to end their relationship at this point, when remaining in it would cause her too much pain and grief by always being worried about Buck and whether he would come home that night, would still be alive. That's a lot for anyone to deal with. So it was better for her to get out at that point instead of dragging it out and therefore making it more painful for both of them when it eventually ended.

But Buck doesn't view it as her leaving because of the dangers of his job but because of him. So yet another person leaves him because he's not enough, not right. Being a firefighter is important to Buck, he sees it as his calling, something he is good at and feels right. He defines himself by his job and that ends up doing damage, especially after the bombing and his subsequent leg injury. Buck feels lost when he can't do his job anymore because he feels like he IS his job. That's why Maddie telling him he's good enough and is worth everything even without his job was so important. His job is an important part of who he is but he isn't his job.

Taylor Kelly

I think with Taylor we saw the mere-exposure effect. Buck has a bit of a thing for voices as we first saw with Abby. With Taylor he knew her voice, heard her whenever he drove to work and obviously liked what he was hearing. And when he met her during that accident he was attracted to her not just by voice but by her looks as well.

Because of his dating experience with Abby and Ali and generally just trying to be a good person, he doesn't want Taylor to get the wrong idea. He likes her, possibly wants to get to know her more and doesn't want to leave her with the wrong impression. Taylor isn't having any of it, because she knows what she wants and what she wants isn't a relationship with him when they first meet. She's young, confident, successful and takes what she needs.

For Buck he has to cut the cord before he gets in too deep. He knows what he wants now and he doesn't want to fall back into his old habits of having sex and not having a meaningful connection. And if he doesn't get out he might fall too fast too hard already knowing it won't go anywere. Plus Taylor tries to expose secrets about his work family and quasi-dad and that would never work. Even if Buck wants romantic love he's not going to step on his 118 family to get it.

When they meet again more than a year later there are no hard feelings (whether that's amnesia on the writers' part or Buck has come to terms with her behaviour we don't know [yet]). Due to their previous actions Buck seems to think Taylor isn't a human being with feelings and hasn't been changed by the pandemic as well. I love Buck but it's ironic that he didn't want to hurt her in season two but inadvertently does so by using her as a shield in season four without her consent. I don't like what he did at all and Taylor was absolutely right on hanging him out to dry on that "double date" and calling him out on him using her like this, by not telling her what she was about to walk into. From her reaction we know he presented the situation differently because he (rightly) figured she might not come otherwise.

It'll be interesting for me to see where their relationship is going. I'd love for them to become friends and see where it takes them from there.

Veronica

I'm only including her for two reasons: She was Buck's first step to dipping his toe back into the dating pool again and acted as a catalyst to rekindle/change Buck and Taylor's relationship. Plus she also fits the strong woman type Buck goes for (although she additionally has a no-fucks-given attitude and isn't here to coddle anyone and their feelings).

To be honest, looking back on it Buck felt a bit OOC to me during their date. I mean yeah, he's just starting to date again and isn't used to doing it anymore and people change but... He didn't have a problem talking to Ali, Abby, Taylor or any of the women he chatted up with at bars and other places before. Why would he suddenly get so flustered? Even if they started on the wrong foot and he put his foot in his mouth... it just like it was put by the writers there for the laughs and not because it's how Buck would (re)act?? It just feels weird to me now. What did feel real to me was his need to impress her and makes sure she likes him, because Buck needs to be liked and he's really uncomfortable with somone not liking him and not knowing where he stands. He needs to clear the air now, to know what's going on so he can move on. After Abby and being left to doubt himself and being left in the dark about where they stand has left a mark on him (see also him making sure to talk it out with the 118 and especially Eddie after the lawsuit).

Well, that's it for now.

[alter-of-fire-and-change]

It’s been so many years ago I can’t tell you how old I was anymore.

What I do remember is being young and bullied and feeling cut off from everyone around me for a million small reasons and having this overwhelming pressure to not be better, but be the best, be perfect, and hating it but not knowing what else to do

What I do remember is crying alone in my room when no one could hear me and begging for a friend, someone who would understand me or just accept me as me

I can’t say it was the first time, in my memory though it stands out as the most important

I was in a loud and noisy restaurant surrounded by my family, the side I didn’t get along with by still had that desire to be liked by and seen as perfectly as they all thought I was. And I remember being acutely aware that no one was paying attention to me even though I was growing increasingly distressed and people had been talking over me and saying things about what they thought my life should be and a bunch of other things and I was spiraling into what I would later register as a panic attack

And then suddenly I felt arms around me and a voice talking me down telling me it would be okay that I wasn’t alone

I’d had imaginary friends all throughout my life growing up, it was one of the things that I blamed for my distance from other people around me. This….felt different, and yet, I had no other way of explaining it

They took the face and voice of a character in a tv show I liked, someone who was snarky and could be cruel and was supposed to be the villain but then got redeemed because they were far too caring and compassionate and I felt bad for them because of how they were treated by those around them. Many of my past imaginary friends had done the same, made from the characters I liked because i felt like I knew them

But there was something different because this one felt a lot more real and I won’t lie, it frightened me a lot of the time and I thought I was going crazy because you’re not supposed to talk to people who weren’t seen by other people and all that

But at the same time, they were the most comforting and grounding force in my life, keeping me from spiraling out of control

I remember at one point it didn’t seem like enough because I felt like the biggest outsider and I fought back against everything because they couldn’t be real and they said they were, that they didn’t really look like how they’d shown up to me and instead had red hair and green eyes

I did find myself asking once again for a friend, someone in my school who’d like me and understand me. I can’t say for certain that it was because of them or not, but after asking for this, I felt the urge to do something out of character for myself and it all happened to be right place right time right book which led me to meeting the person I’ve been dating for five or so years now and some of my closest friends for a time

There were also a lot of instances of what I referred to as “the ghost” in my house, where things would fall over or get misplaced or there’d be a strange sound, and I’d talk aloud to them or tell them I really couldn’t handle it that day and it would immediately stop. (It didn’t stop for the people who’d yell and get mad) and it followed me to my college dorm and apartment

Eventually, they began switching into shapes of other characters I was familiar with and liked, and I never had control over who it was. At some points it distressed me because they weren’t the obvious hero or good guy of the characters and tended to be the ones painted as villains or evil for some reason even if I didn’t personally see them that way because something about their story just made it so I couldn’t see them that way. They weren’t doing the wrong thing, they were just doing something that the main character disagreed with and weren’t going about it in the societally approved way even if it was for a something that’d be seen as ‘good’ or better

As the years continued they still felt more and more real and my brain was still trying to understand why that could be, if they were a self defense mechanism, why they could be so reasonable and removed from the situation, how I could so perfectly picture them next to me guiding me through an attack or feel their touch when I needed comfort

There were times were I’d realize we hadn’t talked in a while and they’d be a little annoyed and I’d beg them not to leave me despite all my words about them not being real and none of it being normal, but that would often end with soothing promises

Eventually, their form seemed to settle a bit more permanently on the MCU Loki because I’d been going through a Marvel kick—I found it a little odd of course because Loki wasn’t the main character my adhd brain had decided to hyperfixate on, but they also fit with all the other characters so I accepted it and didn’t really question the inevitable draw this had of me starting to read up on the myths and figure more

Until my roommate and I had a talk about religion and I was reflecting on the past couple months of this sudden focus

This past couple months were I word for word said that Loki had lead me to figuring out my future life plans for after college after I’d been panicking over that and trying to hide from it for a while. Or had thanked Loki for getting through an uncomfortable family visit because they’d made me laugh and kept up with my snark

Finally, after some research being half way to accepting but mostly still doubting, I sat down with my tarot cards and asked and got an extremely clear answer which had never happened with the cards before, that was basically ‘yes hi thanks for finally figuring it out’

He don’t appear as the MCU Loki anymore, instead taking on their own form most often than not

I think what changed for them to reveal themselves is me. I’d been able to think more about my gender identity and who I was as a person and had become more comfortable in time. I also got really bad one night and they couldn’t talk me down but I had somehow in the haze of that found the link to a service to help in that moment, and started getting actual help afterwards

What changed is that I started to work on myself and that was the point that meant I was ready to actually have the choice to follow Loki or not

And here I am now

[magioftheseas]

Repressed/Stunted

For @badthingshappenbingo

Prompt: Please Don’t Leave Me taken from here.

Rating: T+

Warnings: Possessive and violent thoughts but in terms of content, nothing really.

Notes: I finally wrote a full-ish Pokemon BW fic, focusing on FerrisWheelShipping because... Yes! This one’s on the messier side, sorry. I have a lot of feelings about my Trainer Touko/Hilda headcanons. I just think she should be much more aggressive. So, I explored that a little. Hope it’s okay. =m=

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

It had taken a while to ‘break N in’, so to speak. When she first offered that he stay with her and her mom, he had of course been anxious. Wary. He grew only more skittish the closer they got to Nuvema, and the only reason he hadn’t bolted the second the door opened was because her mom had greeted him so warmly.

“So you’re the friend she’s talked so much about! Come in, come in!”

She had wondered, of course, if N had ever known a mother’s affection. Judged by his dumbfounded stare and the way he trailed after her mother like a lost Lillipup, she suspected that wasn’t the case.

He really is a child, isn’t he?

“She looks a lot like you,” he had remarked. “That’s normal, isn’t it? What about your father?”

“We don’t really talk about him,” she had replied with an easy laugh. “I barely even knew him.”

“Oh. Was he bad?”

Like yours?

She had shrugged.

“Like I said, I don’t know. Can’t really make those kinds of calls on someone I didn’t know.”

“I see.” N blinked at her, eyes wide. “That’s such a noncommittal response. So mature, Touko.”

Mature?

The relationship between her and N had always been a little weird. From the start, N saw her as a rival and a counterpart to himself. With his own grand self-image, she couldn’t deny the expectation in that sparkling gaze of his was beyond uncomfortable and frustrating. Even now, N looks at her like there’s more than what she is, and the weight of that is crushing on her shoulders. With his life and world crumbled, his pedestal of her remained.

She still wants to tackle him sometimes for that. It would be inappropriate to do so at the dinner table, so she just thrums her fingers along the surface, and she takes in how her mom prepares their plates with a smile and a laugh. Like nothing is amiss. Like nothing ever went wrong.

“How long are you staying with us, N?” her mother asks. “I certainly don’t mind having an extra pair of helping hands around.”

“Touko insisted I’d come and she’s quite scary,” was his answer. “When I told her my living conditions, she went into a rage.”

“Because he sleeps outside,” she huffed. “In the cold. Without even a tent.”

“My friends keep me warm, Touko. It’s not cold at all.” N shook his head. “Not to mention tents are windy and unyielding.”

“Yeah, he’s staying with me until further notice.” A pause, and it was probably then that Touko realized how rude she was being. “T-That’s alright, isn’t it, mom?”

“As I said, I don’t mind,” her mom chirped. “It’s nostalgic, isn’t it? Having a friend stay over. Both Cheren and Bianca are so busy these days. How are they doing?”

“They’re...doing fine,” she says because she’s not sure what else to say. “Don’t worry. I’m looking into getting our own place so this shouldn’t be a permanent setup.”

Her mother’s smile is broad. N eyes her curiously. Intently. She doubts he understands this situation, the undercurrents brought about by societal expectations and pressures. He was sheltered from all of that—she wondered if he even truly understood what independence was. N was a couple of years older, yes, but he was also much, much more immature.

Not that it’s his fault or anything.

“You don’t have to be in such a hurry, Touko,” her mom said. “Just grow up at your own pace.”

“Can’t help it,” she huffed. “I don’t like to fall behind.”

Cheren and Bianca seem to be on a path that’ll suit them for the rest of their lives. Or at least the foreseeable future. Meanwhile I—still have no idea what I want, exactly. Besides that guy.

“Is this a competition?” N asked, quite confused. “I apologize. I do not understand at all.”

I want him. To be with him. Maybe that’s shallow, but... It’s because he’s so innocent that I can’t help it.

“It’s irrational,” Touko explained. “It’s not really meant to be understood so much as felt.”

“I...see. I don’t suppose you can explain those feelings in greater depth?”

“Not with formulas, no. Sorry.”

Inferiority, desire, and drive. I’ve always been the kind of person to let my emotions guide me. Blind leading the blind. I even ended up on going in circles looking for this stupid, stupid guy.

N was frowning, almost pouting, and she wanted him fiercely.

“Even as a human, you’re particularly arduous, Touko.”

“It’s not good human behavior,” she admitted. “But it’s not bad for a rival, huh?”

I say like I hadn’t crushed Cheren under my heel. Like I haven’t made Bianca almost cry. Like it’s not a great thing that both of them moved on from me.

“At least you’re not inflexible,” N mused. “Some humans are. It’s really frustrating. I can still only communicate properly with a select few of them. Beyond you and Mei, of course.”

That’s a bad thing. You left in the first place to gain a greater understanding. I shouldn’t be a little happy to hear that.

“A lot are flexible,” she said. “Keep trying, N. Don’t give up. And if someone is being particularly stubborn—I’ll beat them up.”

“Not battle them?”

“Sometimes you can settle matters with your own two fists, N. Oh, but only leave that to me. Don’t get into any fights. Be diplomatic where you can.”

“I know that,” N replied, brow furrowed. “Ghetsis made it clear that such physical means were...unsightly.”

“It’s because I don’t want you getting hurt, obviously,” Touko said. “Not to mention it’s for the sake of everyone else. I don’t think I’d be able to hold back against someone who hurt you.”

Even that monster’s name is enough to drive me into a white-hot fury. N’s incredible, isn’t he? For saying it. So easily.

N does bristle this time. With a predictable amount of childishness.

“I can handle myself. I don’t need a guard.”

“Oh, no,” her mother cut in. “Touko’s just like that with her friends. It can be a nightmare to deal with especially when she tried to physically fight Bianca’s father.”

N blinked, and his mouth opens. It closes without a word, leaving behind only a soft hum. Touko, too, said nothing in response. She felt no need to protest nor defend herself.

“Some things never change,” her mother just sighed, preparing the plates. “But, well, enough about that. Let’s eat!”

“Thanks, mom.”

“Thank you for the food,” N muttered, head ducked.

After the food was set out and the table made, they ate in relative silence and comfort. Touko wondered if she should have been relieved that N knew to use utensils. She then felt foolish for the thought. N wasn’t completely untamed, obviously. That monster wanted at least the appearance of refinement, so N would know how to function somewhat in a social setting such as eating at the table. Thinking of it that way, Touko found herself wishing N wouldn’t have bothered with the pretense. Even now, the way he operates forks and knives was stiff and almost mechanical. Between that and his tightened features, it was clear just how nervous the other was.

“Is it any good?” her mother asked, ever kindly and worriedly. She no doubt took notice as well.

N’s nod was more of a spastic jerk.

“Thank you for the food.”

It was too much to take, so she looked away for now.

“Thank you for the food,” she echoed in a drone.

--

N was a couple of years older than her. Physically, he was in the early stages of adulthood. But with how much of the world he’s seen, he might as well still be a child. He’s a lot like Bianca, body growing faster than allowed. Sheltered and sweet, only N’s upbringing was of a much more sinister nature.

N was once a king. At the time, Touko wanted to crush him. To smash him between her palms and wipe the remnants off her shorts. She had pretty strong feelings against him. His smug attitude and upturned nose, the way he would continuously dart his eyes towards her team attached to her belt. He spoke so quickly that she wanted to wring his neck.

All that said, she wanted to shove her tongue down his throat. Be it because of hormones, because he was the first guy she really got to know besides Cheren, or even because N was just pretty to look at, there had been undeniable attraction. Attraction which hadn’t even been separated from violence.

And now, she—doesn’t want to hurt him. Because she knows how vulnerable he really is. How he had been manipulated by a monster and how his face had crumbled like paper when called a freak. When she wanted to embrace him, it was fueled purely by the desire to keep him safe from the rest of the world.

She still let him leave. She understood that he needed to understand things for himself. She had been his ultimate rival, but they hadn’t been friends. She couldn’t have expected him to confide in her. And, yet, she still chased after him and now that they’ve reunited... She frankly has no intention of letting him go again, even if it’s for his own good.

N was stated to have a pure and innocent heart. The only thing pure about Touko was pure stubbornness.

--

“Mom’s nice.”

“Yeah, she is.”

She doesn’t correct N. Her mother didn’t either, finding it endearing if a bit sad. Touko did think to tell her not to pity him, because N doesn’t like to be pitied—but she thinks her mother might ask her more about N, and she doesn’t want to talk about him. Or rather, what she knows about him.

She kind of wants to keep it to herself out of the messed up desire to keep N to herself.

“It’s warm,” N said. “Nothing like the castle at all. It’s all calm. Calming. I envy your upbringing, Touko.”

He’s a little tall for the futon that her mother laid out. Touko stares at him shifting awkwardly.

“You’ll get used to it,” she finally replied. “You’re gonna stay here for a while, yeah?”

He hums softly.

“If you’ll have me.”

She could’ve laughed, even as she did have the decency to feel the slightest twinge of guilt. It wasn’t enough to admit the truth. She only felt guiltier because N thought highly of her. Like this—she was taking advantage of him. She’s been with Bianca long enough to know how to be gentle with people, and yet...

“Sorry.” She slips off her bed, hovering over him before pressing down on her hands. With N’s head in-between, she held herself over him with resolve. “You’re not lonely with me here, right?”

When that monster told you the truth—when he spat in your face about inhumanity, I can’t even imagine how you felt. Devastated? Shattered? Perhaps—you felt the loneliest you’ve ever been. I get it. I do. I understand why you had to get away. But—that didn’t stop me from wanting to scream “please don’t leave me!!”

“It’s a little lonely,” N admitted, because he really was so unabashedly honest. His eyes were bright, but her reflection within them looked a little twisted. “The reason for that is because you’re closed off from me, Touko.”

Ah.

Aha.

Her heart nearly stuttered through her ribcage. Funny how words like that could cut through her.

“Are you mad?” N asks so sadly, reaching up and cupping her face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving.”

This idiot really has such trouble understanding the human heart. But, he’s trying. Oh, Arceus, he’s trying so much. For years, he’s been trying.

Swelling with adoration, Touko turned to kiss his palm, nuzzling into that hand. N pets her for that, and maybe to him it’s just like reassuring a friend. Gentle touches to show that the world isn’t entirely cruel. If she had been a tad more immature, she would’ve recoiled at the idea of being treated like she was broken. But because she’s mostly selfish, she accepts his affection greedily.

I’m not letting you go again. Sorry, N. Sorry.

At least N holds her like he doesn’t want to let go, either.

[memoriashell]

hey i really like you ( can we go out? )

Characters /  Pairing: Fukawa Touko / Naegi Komaru, techincally some background Ishimaru / Oowada, Makoto gets a few lines, and Syo’s present for a bit in the begining.

crossposted on ao3

Notes: hello here's your late day five of @tokomaruweek​ week!! valentine's day prompt!!

the format for the texting section might look a little funky on tumblr since there’s no easy way of aligning right side / left side text but hopefully it’s obvious enough who’s texting what.

heads up i'll be skipping day 6 for now probably! i’ll come back to it when i’ve finished the rest of the week, i just might get stuck on it for a hot minute and i’d like to get the rest of the week out of the way first since i'm already behind.

anyways it's probably also noteworthy to mention that this drabble works on the basis you have a basic understanding of the cultural differences in how japan celebrates valentine's day. i was originally going to try and incorporate white day into this drabble instead of just mentioning it but i wasn’t super happy with how this one was turning out anyways and figured it was best to just get this out as it is!!

i also feel like i should clarify bc that i realize the way i characterize toko in everything this week has made it seems like she hates kiyotaka’s guts but honestly i think they’d be real close!! i really like them as two outsider kids who can relate to each other. they are two sides of the same narrative coin and in this essay i will /j anyways please understand she rags on him from a place of ( platonic ) LOVE. and also bc they r both my cc’s i could never be that mean to either of them. well. no meaner than canon is to them.

edit: forgot tws. nothing super huge bc it's mostly fluff, but it does refrence bullying ( although would you consider faked love confessions / etc as bullying? it's just cruel :( anyways. )

Summary:  valentine's day has never been good for ugly girls ( and hopeless romantics ) like her. 

Valentine's Day. Every girl’s least favorite day.

Or, well, at the very least, her least favorite. Uh, one of her least favorite holidays? Then again, it’s not like Touko really has a ‘favorite’ in the first place, so maybe her point is moot— but she’s getting side tracked here.

One would presume that a romantic like her, an author who writes romance for a living, would live for a holiday that's practically centered around love and romance, but they would be wrong. It’s a miserable reminder of a day for her who has practically been scorned by the idea of relationships. It is a bitter reminder of failed loves and societal norms that she’s never been able to meet.

( Ugly. Rude. Awkward. Unsociable. So what if they’re right? Who is she to tell them they’re wrong? )

If it is not for the fact that she is pretty sure Ishimaru will be at her door if she doesn’t show up, she would probably skip class today. Oh, to be a confident gay man on Valentine's Day and not a closeted lesbian who feels the need to meet heteronormative societal norms. It’s unfair because not only is he ( mostly ) unaffected by this kind of holiday, he’s probably one of the people who care the least about the delicate social intricacies ( and romanticism ) of a holiday like this one. If nothing else, so she can’t say she envies the position this puts Oowada in, because Ishimaru would probably just see this as a learning moment. Anyways before she sounds too envious of her peers for getting their shit together, she just wants it to be unknown that she thinks it’s really unfair that he would get to judge her reasons for wanting to skip school.

( Actually, if she fessed up the deep-seated issues related to why she’d rather not have to be present on a day like today, the last thing he’d do it judge but that’s not really something she wants to acknowledge right now )

Moving on.

Despite the fact that, internally, she is making a fuss about a holiday, she suspects that most of her class probably doesn’t really care about these things. That doesn't mean she feels any less pressured to conform. It’s not like any of them would want chocolates from someone like her anyways, so it’s not like she really needs to be worried...

It’s not the end of the world, stop being such a debbie downer! Syo butts in, ever so helpful. By which she means is very, very unwanted and unhelpful. All the same, they ( unfortunately ) have a point and if she has to put up with this shitty day then at the very least she’d like to have breakfast before someone sees fit to break down her door.

You technically don’t have to do anything. Syo sounds almost too enthusiastic to help with the ‘issue’ at hand.

Using you to escape my problems isn’t always a viable strategy. Touko rebukes. Nor is it a choice, usually.

Only because you try and make yourself as miserable as possible by making things worse for you.

She has nothing to say to that, and instead focuses on braiding her hair to be passably presentable.

“Fukawa-san?” Oh, what she wouldn’t give to not have to hear her name today. Granted, Touko doesn’t think hearing her name being called on any given day is usually a good sign, but it still feels too early in the day to willingly put up with anything and shoots a glare at Naegi, standing in front of her desk. It probably doesn’t help that he sounds nervous for some godforsaken reason, but that’s technically not out of the ordinary, and she’s pretty sure Syo has something to do with that. “Sorry, uh...I was going to try and catch you at your locker this morning, but I guess I must’ve missed you, huh?”

She gives him the most deadpan, withering stare she can muster at the moment as if to say obviously. She’d even turned up to class early because she figured that dealing with whoever else would be in class would be more manageable than having to deal with anything going on in the halls ( because Hope’s Peak is not a normal school and god knows if something can go wrong, it will, and she is not having any of it today ). She assumed that if she looked busy, anyone with any common sense would leave her alone, but Makoto is not the brightest, clearly.

It still kind of throws her for a loop, however, that he chooses to approach her today, of all days. If she were anyone else, or if this exchange happened in any other context, she is sure that him acting like this on Valentine's Day would seem like it was setting up for a love confession. If it weren’t for the fact that Naegi already had a partner so, that’s probably not an issue— not that that would be a theoretical issue, because hey it’s not like Naegi was likely to be the kind of person cruel enough to fake a love confession. That’s definitely not something that’s happened to Touko before and gotten her hopes up only to be horribly crushed and definitely not the reason she’s been particularly defensive today. Nope.

( Yeah, okay, she’s not fooling anyone, but thankfully the only one aware of this is herself. And Syo, but both of these things are clear givens )

It occurs to her that Naegi hasn’t said anything, waiting for her to say something to him, and she grits her teeth irritably. “Wh-What? Spit it out already.”

“Err...are you...” He starts to say something and then seems to think better of it, sheepishly ducking his head for a moment before holding a bag out to her. “Sorry. Komaru asked me to bring these to you. Kirigiri-san had to convince her to not try and sneak into the main building just to bring these to you herself.”

It takes a long minute for her to process what he says before snatching the bag from his grip and holding it close to herself. Friendship chocolates...? That’s probably what’s in the bag. Which is a pretty nice thought in itself— Touko doesn’t usually get gifts like this. It almost makes her not want to touch the bag and ruin the illusion, refrain from eat whatever’s in the bag: but honestly if she doesn’t, Syo will probably make sure to savor it, so she won’t even pretend like that’s an option.

( There’s a part of her that feels a little guilty too, that she hadn’t even considered that Komaru might do something like this and have something prepared for her in return, but if she’d made something and not gotten anything then she’d look like a fool, and it’s not like she would’ve been able to get it to her easily anyways, so she really shouldn’t feel guilty about accepting it, but— )

“I’m glad you like it. She was kind of worried about how you’d take it.” Naegi speaking breaks through her current train of thought and is he still standing here? Had she been stupidly smiling to herself? How embarrassing!

“It’s n-n-not like that...and what kind of person do, do you take me for, anyways...!” Well, if she had been showing any sort of positive emotion on her face, she isn’t anymore. Touko takes this as an opportunity to shove the bag into her book bag, before anyone can notice. For some reason, he looks vaguely disappointed. “I was...ugh, I was just th-thinking that it was surprising she’d trust you with it given the, the track record with how your l-luck turns out!”

Makoto opens his mouth to refute this but thank god someone calls his name from the doorway, and she takes that opportunity goes back to her books before he can try and say anything further to her.

touko-chan!!!!

makoto said he gave you my gift successfully so i know u got it

i think

i didn’t expect u to thank me or anything but it’d be nice

pls tell me u got it right

did u at least read the note i left in there for u

Does Komaru not have homework, or what? She could at least give her a few minutes to try and get a word in. It’s not her fault math is a bitch and Touko is too stubborn to maybe talk to one of her peers into explaining the subject to her.

                                                     Yes, by some miracle I did manage to get it.

                                                                                                             Thanks.

                                                                                        You’re a good friend.

                                                                                                               Sorry.

                                                                                         Is that all? I’m busy.

That is not all, apparently, because Komaru forgoes texting to call her directly. If it were anyone else, she’d ignore it; but since it’s her she figures she can probably talk and do math at the same time.

“So you didn’t check the bag at all?” Komaru speaks before she can even consider greeting her, and Touko rolls her eyes despite the fact that she cannot see it.

“Hello to y-you too. Uh…honestly, I shoved it in my bag earlier and...and haven’t checked on it since. I assumed it was j-j-just candy, and it’s probably safer hid from Syo there.”

“Ugh! I told Makoto to mention to you that I put something else in there. And there’s a box for Syo in there too!” She can practically hear her pouting through the phone line. “Well, uh— I guess that’s fine since you’re busy...? Just check it when you get the chance, okay? Please? I promise it’ll make sense.”

“I got it, I got it. I’ll take a break once I finish this up and check it out. Good enough for you?”

“Mhm! Thank you Touko-chan! I’ll let you go now, so you can focus. Bye!” If Touko wasn’t mistaken ( but probably is ), she sounded almost nervous, the way her words come out in one rushed breath.

Admittedly, now she’s too intrigued by whatever had Komaru pressed enough to make sure she was aware of it, and she doesn’t think she’ll be able to focus now, so...opening the bag it is. She grumbles and groans to herself for a moment, stretching as she gets up from her desk to grab her bag.

She hadn’t really noticed at the time, but now that she thinks about it, there’s some definite weight to this thing, more than she’d expect from some candies ( even now knowing that apparently Komaru had accounted for Syo as well ). Not much though, and she probably would’ve just passed it off for the box the sweet is stored in if she were to really think about it, but now she figures that’s probably not the case. Touko peeks inside the bag a little hesitantly— curiosity wins out over anxiety in the end, and spots what appears to be a small booklet along with a box of chocolates.

Oh god.

She braces herself because, this is probably some kind of manga if she knows Komaru and ( unfortunately ) not a mini-novella but otherwise has no idea what to expect. And once she opens it, she has to thank whatever higher being made sure Makoto didn’t say a thing to her about it because there’s absolutely no way she would have been able to keep a straight face if she’d looked at this in class.

One, she forgot how generally talented Komaru was at this type of stuff. Obviously, still room for improvement, but not nearly as bad as Touko would have thought. Two, this is not really a manga, but a fucking thinly veiled love confession, complete with the most casual ‘Hey I really like you, can we go out?’ Third, she’s extremely glad Komaru did not insist on being on the phone while she checked this out because she does not think she can coherently answer that right now.

In fact, it takes Touko a good half hour to calm herself down enough before she can even consider texting her a response. There’s no way she’s embarrassing herself any further by calling her about it, even if that might have been a more meaningful exchange, but like Komaru just confessed to her through manga so clearly they’re already past that point.

                                                                                                     You’re a dork.

                                           I hate that you’re using your talents for this though.

:)

thats not a no?

                                                                                                          Not a yes.

                         Very tempted to make it a no for making me suffer through this.

touko-chan;;;;;

be gentle to my poor heart if ur gonna reject me :(

                                                                                              Ugh. I was kidding.

                                                                                                      Yes you idiot.

                                                    Just don’t use manga for this stuff next time?

ok!!!!! :)

actually i promise nothing

lol sorry ♡

                                                                                                  You’re the worst.

hehehehehe >:)

i love you too!!

are you busy this week??

let’s meet up!!!

                                             Some of us care about our grades. As should you.

                                                            But Thursday and Friday are lighter days.

                                                                      Yeah yeah. I like you or something.

thank uuuuu ♡♡♡

She chews on her lip as she rereads the message and mulls over it as she tries to ignore the flip-flop of her stomach. It’ll be fine. She’ll just aim to have something planned out for White Day in return.

[narcissasdaffodil]

Flufftober 2020

Day 4: Fake Dating AU

This is inspired by To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (with a definite twist) I had a story idea via a dream so that’s the product of it!

Alecto is just standing by her locker, wasting time until an unexpected person comes up beside her. She hears the sound of footsteps, and turns to see Marisol who’s looking out of breath beside her. They share a couple of classes, but she has never talked to the other girl much beyond that.

“This is short notice, but could you pretend to be my girlfriend?” Marisol said, watching her carefully. Her dark eyes study Alecto, making her feel a little bit weird.

“Why me? Don’t you have other people to ask for this?” Alecto was more than a little bit apprehensive. This must be a joke! You can’t be her first choice for this kind of thing.

“Um...don’t be mad but I told Elisa that I was dating you! Someone sent out my letters, well, love letters, and she got one. We just had an awkward conversation about the letter I sent her, and she told me she was flattered but she had a girlfriend already. She asked me about my love life and I panicked and told her that I was dating you.” Marisol wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I’m so sorry to pull you into it, but yeah.”

Come to think of it, you did receive a letter a couple days ago. You haven’t have time to read it, but you definitely recognised the handwriting on it.

Alecto noticed the tall, long limbed figure of Elisa in the distance and squeezed Marisol’s hand, hoping she got the signal. She caught hold of Marisol’s chin gently, turning her head towards her, then leaning in. She felt Marisol’s lips land on hers, and she kissed back out of instinct. By some luck, they had somehow avoided clashing glasses. She felt strangely warm, in a way she hadn’t felt before. Her thoughts started to vanish, it felt comfortable as they were relatively close in height.

For your first ever kiss, this one is a pretty good one. Did she like you? She must have done, if it was love letters.

Alecto felt Marisol pull away from her and looked back at her to notice the other girl was glowing.

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” Marisol promptly turned and disappeared in the opposite direction.

Hang on. It might make sense to discuss this a bit. And don’t both of you have French together anyway, which is completely the other direction to the way she went? You’ll need to catch up with her at some point anyway, to iron out the details of this. You do sit together, so that might provide the perfect way to bring it up? That was definitely a lot weird. This is definitely messing with your head.

She grabbed her bag and made her way to French, waiting outside the classroom and expecting Marisol to appear at any minute. She heard the bell, then checked her watch 5 minutes later. Marisol is never late, usually. She usually beats you to class on a regular basis. That’s a little concerning. The teacher’s always late, that’s no big deal.

When class eventually starts, she hears the door open and sees Marisol rush in and take a seat next to her. For the whole class apart from group or paired activities, the other girl completely blanks her and even leaves early after class finishes. This is odd, does she have a crush on you?

The whole situation consumes her mind until lunch, where she finds a quiet spot outside to eat and read the letter itself. With some luck, she had brought it with her. It’s pretty and neat, she carefully gets it out of the envelope.

Dear Alecto,

Since I moved here all those years ago, you have been nothing but welcoming and kind to me. Ever since we were put next to each other in the seating plan back in Year 7 in English, I have admired you from afar. You don’t have a group currently but that doesn’t mean a thing. Andromeda messed up when she chose those friends of hers over you, that’s for sure.

You spend most of your time by yourself, but not in a way that makes people sorry for you. You’re quietly confident and comfortable with your own self. I always have to have someone with me, but you can spend time alone without being scared of it which I admire. I base so much of my self worth on being with other people, and spend so much time focusing on my overall friendlessness, that I find myself being jealous of people who have actual friends.

Also you’re not alone regarding Andromeda and her friends. She bullies me also. This is meant to be a love letter but I am finding myself being able to pour my entire heart out to you. That’s another positive thing about you; I feel that I can be truthful around you and you won’t judge me.

Also you aren’t self conscious about your height or the way that you look. I’m so much shorter than the other girls which does get to me occasionally. You’re shorter than me but you own it. You don’t let people judge you either for wearing glasses. You have naturally clear skin and so pretty freckles, I’m definitely a little jealous there.

You’re pretty in your actions and the way you look, also. You know your own mind and don’t let people pressure you into stuff you don’t want to do, like wearing makeup or even dating. I let people pressure me into dating too early, and I do regret it. Something else I definitely admire is how you don’t buy into the whole ‘you need to be going to parties and drink to have fun’ and how ‘you need to have a relationship or dress up all the time no matter what’, you don’t let societal ideals change who you are.

Something else I admire is how you’re certain with what you want to do and you’re organised and a planner. It’s definitely good to have a plan for life, you want to go into medicine and become a doctor, which of course you know. I have a plan for my life which I don’t share with everyone, but this is where I pour out my heart in letter form, so I want to be a lawyer, and have a house and a cat with the person that I love in the future.

It’s hard to have a crush on you, when the chances of our paths crossing are rare. Do you know what it’s like to have a crush on someone who probably won’t love you back, but you hope and you dream that they’ll see you, more than just partners in class? Likely not. You don’t appear to concern yourself with high school dating and how dramatic it can get when it ends, or with the rumour mill.

You are beautiful and amazing and I want desperately to talk with you about more than just school related things. I want to know the true you and I want to know everything about you. You interest me as you’re the first girl I ever had a crush on, but I was put off by you being friends with Andromeda. I’ve never understood how you could stay friends with her and with Étienne, you’re nothing like either of them. You deserve a true friendship with someone who truly cares about you, and I wonder if you’ll let me be that person for you. I’m okay caring about you from afar but I wonder if we can be more than just school friends.

This letter is the only way I can articulate this, but you’ll never read it. It’s likely my feelings will stay inside me until I reread this in the future and remember the girl I loved from afar. You make me feel a little anxious and I find it hard to speak to you without becoming tongue tied, so I likely won’t ever speak this to you. You’re one of the only people who has this impact on me, and it’s a new and strange feeling.

Marisol Olivia Lopez

As Alecto finished the letter, she folded it back neatly, sliding it back into the envelope. She was absolutely speechless, a million thoughts were rushing across her mind.

She has a crush on you? How? She’s the amazing one.

She bit her lip, messing with a loose curl of dark hair. The unexpected confession caused her to blush, reading so many different things about her as a person, not just stuff related to physical appearance definitely made her have feelings she couldn’t understand.

[jinstronaut]

do you sometimes think like... i don't know how to explain ;-; every day i think about my past and how i'm living right now, and it just gets clearer and clearer that i won't be proud of who i am today in the future, just as i'm ashamed and regretful of who i used to be. it feels like i'm getting much more far away from who i wanna become, not the opposite :( i see the boys' story and they were following their dreams at such a young age, all of them, even jin who's the oldest, they were always working hard. i know i shouldn't compare myself to them, i should use their support as a help for my own path, but i feel strenghtless. i ended high school at the beginning of this year and i haven't entered uni (i really have no idea of what i want), which means 2022 will be another year of studying hard for me, and honestly i don't think i will be able to survive this. i used to be good at studies when i was younger, but even this part of myself fade away. now this is the hardest thing to me. it's the first time in my whole life in which i can't see or believe in a future for me. .. you probably will desagree, but when i think rationally about this i feel very realist, not negative :( i wish i could find a job so i'd feel less like a burden and more like a person worth of something more, i guess. sorry, i've talked about this so many times with my closest friend and my cousin, but i feel like they're tired of this same thing over and over and i don't blame them. you seem like a cool person so i sent this, if you decide not to answer it, i'll understand ❤💓💓

hi sweetie nonnie 🥺 first of all thank you for trusting me with this and opening up to me!!! i hope i can be a good soundboard for you during what's obviously a rough time right now 😞

firstly, i want to make something really clear to you: you don't need to know what you want to do. there's always such a weird societal pressure that once you've graduated high school, you need to have your life figured out, and that's just not true!! i know it's a lot easier said than done, getting into that sort of mindset where you can just exist and be okay with that, but i really want you to know that it's okay that you're not sure what you want to do. if you want to go to university, then go for it! don't pressure yourself to fall into a certain routine -- the best part about college is the amount of classes you can take in a variety of different subjects. you could find something you really love to do, or you could realize that maybe it's not what you want it to be. both are super valid and it's a good reminder to keep in your back pocket when your brain tells you that you're not doing enough ♥

i also know it's really hard to not compare yourselves to others, especially success stories like bts. they're all incredible and work really hard for what they have and what they've gotten, but their path doesn't always equal your path, you know? you can still work hard and apply yourself to whatever you want in the moment and it'll be successful. it's not about measuring things in terms of huge achievements, sometimes it's about celebrating the little things you manage to do on a daily basis. like taking a shower, for instance, or getting out of bed a little earlier than usual, or applying to some jobs even if it's tough. take that into consideration, and truly give yourself some credit where it's due in terms of the things you do every single day -- it's not about being the best and being the biggest, it's just about being yourself!!

i also also think you need to give yourself a little bit of a break :( we've lost nearly two years to a worldwide pandemic that's certainly shaken the foundation of everyone's lives. the world was in lockdown for nearly a year, and some places are still in lockdown. some places are trying to pretend that covid doesn't even exist, and the state of the world has been incredibly volatile since march 2020, maybe even before that. it's all right that you haven't managed to do something like get a job -- the job market is really rough right now, considering how little people are willing to pay others to essentially risk their lives every day. it's all right to take a break and still try to ensure that your safety is coming first. being healthy is much more important than being put in an uncomfortable position by capitalism. one of the most important life lessons you can learn is putting your own self worth over a paycheck.

a little insight into me, for example: i'm the same age as jin, 29, and just recently do i feel like i'm finally on the right path. literally, this revelation started in may. may!!! that's only 3? 4? months of me feeling like maybe i have my life together, and i'm 29!! life is wild in the sense that things are always changing and moving and evolving. i've changed passions so many times, been at extremely low lows and incredibly high highs, but it's a constant work to feel like i'm a good version of myself, someone that past emmeline would be happy to know. if i can instill any wisdom into you from what i've learned over the past decade, it's that you don't always need to have all the answers. it's extremely valid to feel a little panicked and down -- like i said, the world is a hard place right now -- but what comes first is you.

maybe try some new hobbies! do something that you know you love a little more often every day, just to ensure that you're feeling happy. if your hobbies no longer excite you, don't be afraid to try something new! i know it's scary, but the first step is having the confidence to admit that you need help.

i hope this soothes you a little bit, nonnie :( i don't know if this makes sense in one whole go, but when i read your message i felt really touched, and i saw a lot of my younger self in your worries. i want to let you know how valid your feelings are, while reassuring you that things can change and get better when you least expect it. i'm here for you!!! and i'm sending you all the positivity that i can 💕💕💕

[bellmandi86]

[MSPAR: Tell Eridan what you really think of him.]

[You admit you don't know Eridan's full story, but you feel it needs to be said: He's trying to play off his mistakes by blaming it on his upbringing and thinks it's okay to be a shitty person because he's a violetblood with no self control. You think he should work on, you know, not being such a piece of shit to everyone in his life. He should be nicer. Maybe a little more like, say, Feferi?]

CA: of course youd say that CA: thats all i evvver fuckin hear CA: no one understands wwhat kinda societal pressure is on my fuckin head CA: but all i get is a bubbly princess tellin me to just be happy CA: she doesnt take me seriously on ANYTHIN CA: NO ONE fuckin understands wwhat my life has been like CG: HEY. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. CG: YOU'RE NOT ALONE. I'M HERE. YOU'RE OKAY.

[Karkat starts to pacify Eridan as he has his breakdown. His anger quickly dissolves into tears as he openly sobs in Karkat's arms.]

CA: its hard kar CG: I KNOW. CA: its hard bein a kid and growwin up CA: its hard an no one understands CG: I DO. BELIEVE ME, I DO.

[You've never heard Karkat at any volume lower than an agitated yell. Come to think of it, you've never seen him be this calm and patient with anyone, either. But why would he waste this time on Eridan of all people? You'd think Gamzee or Kanaya would be a better use for this mood?]

CG: BECAUSE FUCK YOU. CG: I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION FOR ANYTHING.

[Whoa, okay. You clearly stepped on a nerve here.]

CG: OH NO. CG: WE'RE WELL PASSED THAT. CG: MY NERVE HAS BEEN FUCKING BURNT INTO THE PAVEMENT UNDER THE SUN OF YOUR IGNORANCE. CG: THERE'S NO BRINGING THAT SHIT BACK. CG: YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK WE SHOULD GO.

[Oh, good idea. Maybe you guys should head inside, it's almost daybreak.]

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING DENSE? CG: NO, I'M GOING TO MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR TO YOU. CG: ERIDAN AND I ARE LEAVING. CG: WITHOUT YOU. CG: YOU ARE NOT TO FOLLOW US. CG: YOU ARE NOT TO SPEAK TO EITHER OF US EVER FUCKING AGAIN.

[What does he mean? You thought you two were friends, just because you said something to upset this tool, that means you're not friends anymore?]

CG: YES, ACTUALLY, IT DOES. CG: GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A PANRUSTED FUCKLUMP CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM IS THAT YOU CAN'T BE MORE CONSIDERATE ABOUT WHAT INANE SHIT DRIBBLES OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE TUNNEL, CG: BUT I'M GOING TO SPELL THIS OUT SO SLOWLY THAT THERE'S NO WAY IN PARADOX SPACE YOU CAN MISUNDERSTAND ME.

CG: IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF MY FACE RIGHT NOW, CG: I WILL FUCKING ***EVISCERATE*** YOU.

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