#to my two emails saying i do want to connect again!! im gonna have to call him to see whats going on w him 😭😭

[freesomebodybyluna]

had a rlly yummy breakfast I'm content...

[raccoonsface]

“T-Tara?” Pt.2

____________——————————____________

Words- About 750

Warnings- angst or fluff, idk tbh. Swearing, idk what else

Just to say some stuff, I lost my other emails’ password and that email was connected to my other account so I’m on this one now. Sorry for being gone for so long too!

Summary- Y/n and Tara have a crush on each other and go to great lengths to make sure they have them all to themselves.

————————______________———————-

Part 1

______________————————_____________

“Jeez the suns out early”

Tara has just woken up from her sleep, she was tired from all the running around yesterday.

She almost falls back asleep because of it but then she turns over and takes a look at her clock

“SHIT! ITS 10:30 AM IM LATE FOR SCHOOL”

She rushes to get all of her stuff packed so she can make it to school before lunch, which is at 11:30, so it shouldn’t be that hard… right?

“Okay I’m fucked… I can’t find my keys.”

Oh Well she’s fucked

————————______________———————-

______________————————_____________

Tara’s POV

“I’m gonna fucking die”

I’m not gonna make it there in time, come on Tara run faster. Damn it’s hot out

Fuck I didn’t bring my inhaler, again?!What the fuck Tara, you’re gonna die on the side of the street. I’ve gotta sit down, yeah the sidewalk under this tree looks fine.

“Damn two days in a row”

Is this heaven? Ugh it’s too bright here.

“Hah, no this isn’t heaven Tara” oh it’s Y/n

“Well if it isn’t then what am I doing looking at a goddess” damn what’s going on right now

“Geez don’t you got the pick up lines when you’re literally gasping for air”

She’s funny, and really pretty

“Okay, Tara here you go” Her and that extra inhaler

I mean it definitely feels way better when I can breathe that’s for sure, but every time I look at her I loose my breath anyways so I don’t really see the point in it.

“You good Tara?” So kind

“Huh, oh yeah” me and my dumbass self

“Okay good… what are you doing running out here with a backpack on anyways?” Looking for a princess like you

“Oh- uhm I’m running late for school”

“Huh, I didn’t know there was school on Saturdays” shit of course it’s Saturday, that’s why my alarm didn’t go off.

“Oh… I forgot it was Saturday” oh my god you sound like an idiot Tara!

“Huh, well you need a ride to get home?” I think I’m gonna faint

“Uhm I mean if you’re willing to” Oh. My. God.

“I mean if you want me to” of course I do beautiful.

“Uh I mean yeah sure”

“Okay, yeah, alright uhm my cars over there”

“Right! Right, I gotta get up” oh my god she’s reaching out her hand towards me, oh I’m gonna die when I get home

“Thanks”

“Yeah, no problem” She seems kinda shy.. it’s probably nothing I’m over analyzing

“Damn this car seat is comfy” no like holy shit this is comfy

“Yeah, I know, they’re custom seats.” Of course they are

“Anyways where do you live?” Oh right!

“Oh uhm it’s uhh” me and my damn it stuttering

“You wanna go eat instead? I mean you must be hungry from all that running, and I don’t mean to-“ aww she’s so cute I can’t believe I survived without her before

“I’d love to go out with you- I mean yeah I’m down to go eat with you” what the hell Tara

“Huh, right, anyways where should we go?” Shit I don’t know

“Uhm, let’s go tooooooo…” I have no idea where to go eat

“How about we drive around and figure out where to eat..?” Phew!

“Yeah I think that’s probably the better idea” she’s really smart… she could be my wife..

OKAY NO Tara get yourself together. You cannot do this. But she’s so perfect.. maybe just maybe. I can’t even fight it anymore.. I need her. I need Y/n.

————————______________———————-

Oh my god. A lot has happened in the past two months. The meaning behind this new account is between the warnings and the summary at the top.

Sorry for the short post! They’ll be way more sooner!

I have a three part series for Astrid Deetz, the last two parts will probably come out after the movie is released because I can’t really get much off of her character just from the trailer

Anyways hope you guys have had a nice day!

[eve209]

‼️‼️SMUT WARNING CAUSE IM PISSED‼️‼️

FOR SOME BACK STORY: on Roblox I got banned for a day then when I was logging back in it wouldn’t let me do to the 2 step vari so….I’m mad rn tbh and I wanna fuck Roblox

ROBLOX X TOP MALE READER

THIS FANFIC IS JOKE PLS (kinda short)

(Update that account got deleted…)

‼️WARINGS‼️ punishment, spanking, light choking, degrading, little praise here and there, daddy kink (only 2 times though), pet names, mirror fucking, almost gettin caught, sir kink.

_________________________________________

“FUCKING HELL DUDE” I said bashing my head on my keyboard then looking back up at the screen in front of me.

“What are you mad about this time?” My homie,  Kayden on the call said while chucking.

“Ya know how got ban from Roblox yesterday?”

“Mhm”

“well now I’m trying to log in and it says I have to have a 6 digit code that got sent to my email and I didn’t hook a FUCKING EMAIL ON MY ACCOUNT.”

“PFFFFFF HAHAHA, do ya want me to come over and help with it? Maybe I can spend the night or somethin.” Alex said while I heard him shuffling for something, probably his phone.

“But then I have to wait 45 minutes for you to drive here tf am I going to do in the mean time!?” I said while stretching out my arms and pushing my gaming chair back with my feet till it hit my bed while still having my headset on.

“It’s ok dude your gonna live im packing rn so hold tight and jerk off or somethin.” Alex said.

“BRO WTF-“ I said while getting cut off by the end call sound.

“Fucking hell…” I said breathing out but again getting interrupted by a strange noise coming from the pc. Bringing my head back down from looking up at the ceiling while everything started to violently shake around me.

“What the fuck is happening!” I said gripping the arm rests of the chair then closing my eyes and waiting for everything to be over.

….

…….

Suddenly everything stopped. ‘What the fuck..’ I thought opening my eyes slowly while feeling pressure on my lap.

“Hi there! I heard you are having a hard time logging into your Roblox account! May I help you in anyway to satisfy you?” A soft male voice said above me while I was looking my lap seeing tight, outlined thighs with a small bulge in between.

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?” I said looking up, following the tanned body that’s connected to the thighs I was checkin out earlier.

“Oh I’m sorry dear! I’m Roblox! I’m sorry I forgot to introduce myself! Your having trouble right? Well I’m here to take that trouble away!” Said Roblox while holding an iPad, still sitting on my lap.

“Y-yeah I am having trouble. My names (M/n) by the way..” I said lightly grabbing his waist so his ass can stop grinding on my dick.

“Yep! I already know that but thank you for reminding me!” He said but then quickly adding onto it while starting to turn around to the PC, “What seems to be the problem sir?”

‘Fuck…’ I thought while still holding on to his waist. The sight of his round, squish-able ass on my covered dick kinda turned me on. ‘I never knew a fucking app could have such a fuckable ass…’

“Um sir, what you do need help with?” Roblox said while slightly turning his body to the side to look at me.

“Oh yeah um I can’t log into my Roblox account because it says I need a six digit code thats sent to my email but it didn’t send me it so I don’t know what to do.” I said scratching the back of my head while looking up at him, still on my lap.

“Oh well are you sure that you checked your inbox?”

“I’m pretty fucking sure…” I said tilting my head back.

“Well then I’m sorry sir but I don’t know how to help you then…you probably turned on two-step verification and didn’t put an email to go with it!” Roblox said, moving his body to face me again while resting his hands on my chest, and looking at me.

With a deep sigh coming from my mouth, I moved my hands to go under his butt and stood up while still holding him and walking to my bed and placing Roblox in the middle of it.

“Um sir! W-what are you d-doing!” Roblox said moving his hands to clutch the pillow, his head was laying on.

“You said you were here to take my trouble away right?” I said, taking off my hoodie I had on.

“Y-Yes! That’s what I’m here for, but what are you doing!” Roblox said with a worried look.

“Well I have some trouble with my dick and I think you would be perfect and you need a punishment for not doing your job right.” I said putting a hand next to Roblox’s face and looking down on him. “How does that sound princess?” I said slipping my hand down to grab his ass.

POV NOW IN 3RD PERSON

“But sir- MHMM!~” Roblox stuttered before (M/n) smashed his lips onto his roughly and slipped his tongue in his mouth.

As (M/n) was taking his sweatpants and boxers off, he took his tongue out of Roblox’s mouth to replace them with two of his own fingers.

“Fuck baby, look at how hard my dick is because of you.” (M/n) said, grabbing his cock and jerking himself off while taking his fingers out of Roblox’s mouth and entering his fingers in his tight hole. After stuffing his fingers in, (M/n) immediately started to thrust his fingers faster and harder making Roblox scream in pleasure.

After a couple of minutes, Roblox’s tight hole was already nice and loose, which once (M/n) realized this, he took his fingers out and stopped jerking his massive cock off. “Fucking hell, do you know how much time and money I put in that stupid fucking account since I was like 10?” (M/n) said, grabbing Roblox’s neck, choking him, and leaning down to slide his tongue around Roblox’ s face cheek.

“P-please sir! I’m s-so sorry I couldn’t help but I-!~ AH!” Roblox said before getting cut off by (M/n) thrusting his cock into Roblox’s pathetic hole, making Roblox cum right then and there.

“S-shit Baby your still so fuckin tight after fingering your hole for 10 minutes, goddamn slut.” (M/n) said til grabbing onto his neck. Roblox couldn’t even get a breather, nor thought in before (M/n) started thrusting fast into Roblox, making their skin slap together.

“AHH~! DADDY PLEASE!~~ it’s to much! Please daddy I just c-came! Wait wait w-wait!” Roblox said tears of overstimulation and pleasure running down his face.

“God princess, just take it.” (M/n) said while smacking Roblox’s ass.

After 20 minutes of thrusting, choking, degrading and praise, (M/n) still hasn’t came deep inside Roblox like he wants! Unlike (M/n), Roblox has came 3 times already, almost passing out. “F-fuck what a good boy you are baby, such a big dick for a tight ass like yours and your still taking it.” (M/n) said smirking as Roblox arched his back.

“Fuck! S-sir! I-it’s to m-much! Ah!~” Roblox said screaming as (M/n)s dick reached the deepest part of him.

*knock knock knock*

….

“Who the fuck….” (M/n) said stopping, but not pulling out of Roblox. Roblox whimpered,  tightening around (M/n)s cock. Breathing heavily, Roblox asked (M/n) “W-why did y-you st-“. “HEY DUDE WTF ARE YOU DOING??” Kayden said still knocking on the door.

“F-fuck um ONE SECOND LET ME GO TAKE A SHOWER!” (M/n) said covering Roblox’s mouth in the process.

“NAH MAN WTF I WAS JOKING ABOUT YOU JERKING OFF YOU FREAK” Kayden said, laughing and fidgeting with the door.

“BRO STFU I HATE U I DIDNT DO THAT” (M/n) said picking up Roblox and walking to his bathroom in his room. Quickly turning the shower on and sitting on the lid of the toilet. (M/n) breathes and slaps Roblox’s butt and throws his head back before looking at Roblox and whispering..

“You think you can be quiet?”

[vennilavee]

to build a home - ch 1

beyond the drapes

attack on titan masterlist

ch 2 - a girl in a bar

Pairing: levi x reader (attack on titan)

Summary: a modern au where you and levi both work for the Survey Corps, a non-profit organization with a mission to help the youth of the Underground District.

Warnings: cursing, suggestive themes

Word Count: 3787

A/N: im so excited to explore levi’s character in this setting!! this story will be a series of moments in no sequential order. in this modern au, the walls still exist, as does the underground district. the only thing modern about it is the technology and culture lolol ENJOY

*** This day is bound to be a long one- it’s only 10 AM and you’ve already been in back to back meetings with several of donors for the foundation. You’ve been in meetings for the last three and a half hours, your toasted bagel now cold and your second cup of coffee now empty. You sigh and roll your shoulders back, pinching the bridge of your nose in annoyance.

These rich types would be the death of you. But Erwin had specifically asked you to handle the rich donors. As if Hange or Levi would be able to sit through even one of these ass-kissing phone calls. You can hear sugary sweetness dripping off of your tongue with practiced patience and you hardly recognize it. It’s an out of body experience. As words are rolling off your tongue, you wonder how Levi would fare with this responsibility.

He’d complain the whole time and then tell the person on the other end of the video call to fuck off and get their heads out of their asses. The thought makes you scoff and you clear your throat to cover the sound.

Erwin knew your strengths and weaknesses as individuals and a team, and you were grateful for such an insightful boss and friend.

Once you seal the third donation of the morning, you take your headset off and rub your temples. You’re glad you’re free until noon, giving you some time to catch up on emails and catch up with your colleagues and friends. The drapes in your office were drawn back, illuminating your office in a faint sunny glow. Today, the sun was hiding behind the clouds so it wasn’t terribly bright.

And yes, you had drapes in your office. They were a midnight blue with threads of gold embroidered throughout. Everyone else had normal blinds, but you had seen these drapes while window shopping years ago for this new office and you knew it belonged. Something about the blue and gold made you feel royal and regal. As if this was yours and yours only.

That didn’t mean that Levi didn’t tell you how stupid your drapes were and how stupid you were at least once daily- “You think this is a stupid castle or something? You hear yourself?”

To which you would prompt reply, “if this was a castle, you’d be the damn gargoyle in front. The one that scares everyone away.”

And then he’d just ‘tch’ at you and roll his eyes.

What an ass.

You’re growing restless, so you lock your computer and get up to stretch your muscles for a few minutes. Sitting for hours at a time does a number on you in ways that you’d never expect- your shoulders sometimes hurt, your lower back, even your ass.

Maybe you need a better seat and desk setup, you muse. Walking down the hallway with your cold bagel in your left hand, you rotate your right shoulder and wince. You pass several of the new hires, Eren and Jean who seem to be bickering amongst themselves but straighten up and say ‘good morning’ to you as you pass them. You give them a smile and a wave, continuing on your way.

You stop by Hange’s office, where her door is wide open and papers are strewn all over the place. She’s viciously typing on her computer as she pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose in between each word. Her hair is in disarray and you sigh when you knock on her door.

“Hange,” You call, “Did you stay up all night again?”

“Huh? No way,” Hange gasps, looking at the time, “I just got caught up with things! You know- I’m this close to finishing this grant proposal! Look how much money we’re gonna get outta them! They won’t know what hit ‘em-”

“Hange,” You say firmly, “I’m calling you a cab to go home. Go to sleep. I don’t trust you to drive home, considering you’ve been up all night.”

“What?! I can drive-”

“Hange!” You interrupt her, “I’m serious! Come back tomorrow. Take it easy.”

She slumps in her chair in defeat and removes her glasses, rubbing her eyes in fatigue. “Oh alright. I guess I’m a little tired.”

“See you tomorrow, Hange,” You salute and point to your phone, “Cab’s on it’s way.”

With that, you make your way further down the hallway and come to a stop in front of Levi’s office. You knock and immediately open the door without allowing a moment of rest in between.

“What’s the point of knocking if you’re just going to barge in?” Levi asks, eyes still on his computer screen.

“It’s much more dramatic, and we both know you would’ve left me waiting. Because you’re an ass,” You reply good-naturedly, sliding into the seat in front of his desk and propping your legs up on his desk. Your shoes are in his face and he pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

“To what do I owe this most shitty pleasure?” Levi says, eyes narrowed at your bagel, “You here to ruin my office? Last time you were here I had to spend an hour cleaning it-”

You bite your tongue at the response you want to provide to that.

“No reason. Just have been on calls all morning. Was bored,” You shrug and wince at the slight shoulder movement.

Levi quirks an eyebrow at you but says nothing. He continues typing away, seemingly ignoring you as you munch on your half of the bagel. Once you’re finished with it, he throws a banana at you wordlessly. You fail to hide your smile.

“You’ll get hungry in about an hour with that shitty bagel. And then I’ll have to hear about it,” Levi says tonelessly, eyes trained on you. You roll your eyes at him and peel your banana.

“So you gave me this banana to shut me up?”

“Yes, it’s in my own best interest.”

A comfortable silence falls between the both of you. You eye the snow globe that you had gotten him for Christmas and his birthday on his shelf. It looks as if you had purchased it for him yesterday, when in reality it was over five years old. His office is as clean as ever, just like him.

“That’s a nice shirt,” You murmur, eyes raking over him shamelessly,  “Who’s the lucky person who bought it for you?”

And honestly, he wants to do something about the smug smirk on your face. But instead he just stares at you, face as impassive as ever. His hair falls into his eyes with a practiced poise. You see the corners of his lips turn up, nearly daring to give you something resembling a smile.

“What makes you think I didn’t buy it myself?”

“Come on, Levi. You and I both know your sense of style is… questionable most times.”

“My sense of style? You really want to talk about your shitty drapes?” Levi asks, but you sense no malice in his voice.

“My drapes? Wouldn’t you like to know if the curtains match the drapes-”

“I can’t think of anything worse to know.”

You gasp in indignation, hand to your heart. “Don’t be such an ass!”

“Then don’t be such a brat!”

“Ugh,” You groan, standing up from your seat and making sure there are no crumbs falling off of you, “I have actual work to do, Ackerman. Quit wasting my time.”

“Door’s right there, sweetheart,” Levi says nonchalantly, looking back down at his planner and not sparing you a second glance.

“See you soon, handsome,” You call, turning back to wave at him and he gifts you with an upturn of his lips.

***

The Survey Corps was a nonprofit organization run by Erwin Smith and the mission of the organization was to find and provide educational resources and mentoring to the youths in the city. Specifically, the mission was to show kids who grew up in the shadows that they could have a life outside of the shadows and in the light with the help of the Survey Corps.

That’s not to say that the Survey Corps had all of the answers and all of the funds to fix the poverty in the walls. But your team tried their hardest to help the kids. Because the kids were the future.

As an organization, you had done some pretty amazing things and had some pretty amazing connections. The Survey Corps had been successful in launching many partnerships and setting up afterschool programs for the kids to find their interests. It was the kind of work that made you feel fulfilled and driven.

Not to mention, that you worked with some of the best people. Despite everyone’s differences, everyone had a clear shared passion for helping the kids of the city.

You truly loved your job, and everyone around you did as well. Ever since Erwin had promoted you to Director of Impact all those years ago and had seen your capabilities, you had really been able to thrive.

Bringing those new kids on board was your idea for the most part- Levi had complained the whole time, asking why they needed a separate youth outreach group when Erwin’s original team wasn’t even that old.

You had kindly told him that you weren’t teenagers anymore and hadn’t been in two decades. He had glared at you but nodded in agreement.

The rest of your afternoon was relatively free, you were just finishing up a few project ideas for outreach and catching up with some of the new kids.

You should probably stop calling them kids, you think dryly. They’re all in their early twenties, fresh faced and eager. Besides Mikasa- she’s almost as neutral as Levi is, with similar eyes, and you can’t help but wonder if they’re distantly related.

You rotate your shoulder again and massage it lightly with a wince. Damn, your right shoulder has been aching over the last week. Maybe you needed a real massage. Or a new chair.

You send all of your emails out quickly with your shoulder beginning to throb in pain as minutes go by.

Death by the office.

You tell Jean and Connie to meet you in the break-out room for your quick catch-up, unable to take sitting at your desk for much longer. You bring a notebook and a pen with you to the break-out room and wait for them to arrive.

They sit across from you with their stainless steel water bottles in front of them. They’re chatting animatedly, telling you about their ideas and their plans of all the good they can bring to the kids within the walls. Their shared enthusiasm makes you smile.

You start taking notes on their ideas, already thinking of ways to bring them to life. You groan softly as your hand cramps up from the pain in your right shoulder and neck shooting down your arm.

Jean calls your name and you look up.

“Are you okay?” He asks, “You look like you’re in pain.”

“Obviously she’s in pain!” Connie exclaims indignantly, “Sorry about him. He likes to state the obvious.”

“I’ll be alright. My shoulder is just- acting up today…” You trail off and rotate it, “Anyway, I like your ideas. Keep it up, I love the enthusiasm. And don’t try to out maneuver each other either.”

You look pointedly at Jean who gives you a look of innocence.

“We’re a team,” You murmur.

“Captain still calls us interns,” Connie blurts out and you can’t help but let out a laugh. That they still call Levi their Captain, because he’s so rigid with them and that he still calls them interns.

“I’ll talk to Captain grump,” You reassure them, “He calls you interns out of affection.”

“Affection? From Captain Levi? Pff,” Jean scoffs, crossing his arms.

“You’d be surprised, Jean.”

***

Levi catches your soft whistle of pain as you slide the straps of your backpack over your shoulders. He wordlessly stands behind you and pushes the straps of your arm and carries your backpack for you instead. He gives you his phone and keys to hold on to and you give him a smile in return.

He walks you to the car in silence, opening the door for you and waiting for you to get in. Levi catches your grimace and soft exhale once more as you shift in the seat.

“You told Hange to go home?” Levi asks, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” You nod, “She was here all night again. I don’t know how it gets past Erwin, but I told her to come back after she’s rested.”

Levi nods, eyes trained on the road in front of him. One hand on the steering wheel and one on his thigh. After a moment of staring off into the setting sun, you feel Levi’s hand slide into yours and his thumb rub against yours. His gaze hasn’t shifted, but you can see the light in the corner of his eyes.

He has let his hair and his scruff grow out a little longer than he usually likes- is he distracted? You can’t recall the last time his hair has been this long, but you like it. You make a mental note to ask him about it once you get home.

But as always, Levi can feel your eyes on him.

“Why are you staring?” He asks bluntly.

“Just lookin’ at your ugly mug,” You say nonchalantly, not missing the way his lips quirk up.

“You’ve been with this ugly mug for the last six years,” Levi says dryly, “And what does that say about you?”

“That I have good taste,” You beam at him and he rolls his eyes fondly.

“You’re a brat.”

“You’re an ass.”

You squeeze his hand and watch the planes of his face imperceptibly relax. He wonders how long your shoulder has been bothering you like this. You had mentioned a few times over the last week that it was an odd sort of ache, but today, it seemed like you were in a lot of pain. He’ll ask you about it when you get home.

Home. The space he’s shared with you for the last three and a half years. Levi thinks about that often. He thinks about being a rough, underground kid with nothing but dirt and danger to his name. He wonders if that kid would’ve ever dreamed of living a life like this. He often thinks about Erwin finding him so young and pledging to help him and help kids like him.

Levi often thinks about you. You, who had offered him nothing but laughs and coffee when he had nothing to give. You, who offered your shoulder when he didn’t have the strength to ask. You, who found a crack in his armor of steel and buried yourself next to him despite his roughness.

You.

Even now, he still wonders from time to time if you are aware of the extent of his adoration for you. But when you look at him in that soft way of yours, in that way that’s only reserved for him, he thinks you do.

***

Levi hears your pained gasp from the kitchen and then a call of his name. He sees you standing in your underwear, clutching your right shoulder with creased eyebrows.

“Levi,” You murmur, “Will you help me out of this shirt?”

Levi hums and brushes his knuckles over your neck gently.

“Lift your arms up for a second. This would be easier if this shirt was a button up rather than this shitty material,” He mutters, “This might hurt for a sec.”

He hears your sharp inhale and exhale as he pulls your top off. Levi pulls out one of his own shirts that has now become your sleep shirt and a pair of his shorts for you. He’s quick and precise in his movements, unclasping your bra easily and tugging his shirt over your head. He even helps you into his shorts and you press a kiss to his cheek in gratitude.

Levi rubs your shoulder gingerly, eyes cast over you in concern.

“Go sit on the couch,” Levi murmurs, “I think we still have some of that medicinal paste my mom gave us. The one that’s supposed to help with pains like this. Your shoulder is tight.”

“That’s not the only thing that’s tight,” You wink at him and he shakes his head, patting your hair.

You’re tempted to follow Levi to the kitchen but refrain when he shoots you a look. Instead, you settle on the couch, stretching your legs out.

“Took you long enough,” You grumble, scooting up on the couch for him to lay behind you.

“It took me two minutes. Did you lose your sense of time as well?” Levi murmurs, pulling you into his chest.

You hum, already feeling yourself relax and take his hand in yours. Levi pulls the right side of your shirt down a little to examine your shoulder. He presses a finger to your upper neck and you hiss once his fingers press a little lower. He continues his examination, trying to figure out exactly where you’re in pain.

“Gonna give you a massage,” Levi says, “Might hurt at first. It’ll feel nice after. You can hold my hand if it does.”

“Thanks for your permission, honey,” You roll your eyes but clasp his free hand in yours once more.

His fingers are steady, gentle but firm against your skin. Levi whispers words to you, words of his day, words of what he thinks of the new interns. You correct him for the millionth time, reminding him that they’re not interns anymore. They’re employees now, part of the team. He scoffs but it pulls a laugh from you.

And then you gasp sharply when Levi’s hand prods at a knot. You squeeze his hand reflexively but after a few soothing touches, the pain washes away and the knot dissolves. Levi continues to rub your muscles and you lean further into his chest, your eyes closed in bliss.

He maneuvers you so as to not disturb you too much and spreads the topical analgesic on your shoulder, leaving your skin exposed. So that the medicine doesn’t spread on your shirt.

“Good?” Levi asks, rubbing your other shoulder. You nod, peering up at him and pecking his lips in gratitude. You try to deepen the kiss, try to rake your fingers through his hair the way he likes, but he turns his cheek.

“You’re gonna waste the medicine. It’ll stick to your shirt rather than your shoulder.”

“Seriously?” You groan.

“Blame your shitty shoulder,” Levi says and you glare at him.

“Take my shirt off then.”

“It’ll stick to your shirt when I take it off. Don’t be stupid.”

“Wow, you really thought this through,” You grumble, settling back into his chest and hoping the medicine absorbs quickly. He gives you a rare smile and kisses your forehead, his hand snaking under your shirt to rub your belly, his fingertips at your ribcage. The way he knows you like.

It had taken a long time for Levi to touch you like this. But you didn’t mind though. You were patient, and he was worth it. He was an immensely private person and while he was never ashamed of you- the thought had never even struck his mind- he preferred to keep his business within the walls of your home. Even at work, Erwin often teased both of you that he could hardly tell that you were in a long term relationship with the way you two bickered with each other and the general lack of PDA. But Hange, bless her, would scold Erwin for being so dense-

How can you not tell? They argue like a married couple!

It had taken a long time for Levi to touch you like this. He can remember when the mere act of looking at you had proven to be too much sometimes. And somehow, you always knew when he needed space. When it got to be too much. It had even taken you a long time to touch him like this. He was unlike anyone you had ever met in every way. You’re certain from the way you fit within the spaces of his arms that this is where you were meant to be.

Something gentle settles in your cheeks, in the way you blink at him, in the way you’re stroking his undercut. He very nearly purrs at the touch but still-

“What are you thinking about?”

“You,” You reply, not missing his ‘tch’ in response, “Your hair’s getting long…”

You run your fingers through his dark, silky strands and leave a trail of burning embers in your wake. You cup his cheek and he leans into your touch, head tilting into your hand slightly. His grown out stubble prickles your hand and you push yourself closer to him.

“Something on your mind?” You murmur, “You never go this long without a haircut. Or a shave.”

“Testing something out,” Levi says vaguely and you hum.

“Whatever you say, honey,” You reply, pressing a kiss to his neck.

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll hurt yourself if you think too much.”

“Noted. Thanks for looking out for me, Levi,” You say dryly, poking his chest.

“Someone has to,” Levi mutters, “Think you need a new chair at work. You’ve always had a shitty chair. Or maybe you need a standing desk. I’ll build you one.”

You’re barely listening, eyes beginning to flutter closed and you hum in agreement. Levi is just so warm, it’s no surprise that you’re asleep in just a few minutes. Your breaths are steady against his arm as you shift a little to turn on your side. You must be tired. Levi grabs the book he’s currently reading from the coffee table, drapes a blanket over you and rubs your back as you fall into a deeper sleep.

As he reads, he can’t really focus on the words on the page. He’s busy thinking about you, and how easily you grew to trust him and to love him. Despite how long it took for him to even realize that what he felt towards you was trust and love. Levi thinks back to the kid from the Underground. That kid is still him, and he remembers the faint desire to have a semblance of this life. To feel the sun against his face, the wind in his hair. To be unabashedly himself.

And somehow, not even the freeing feeling of the sun on his face and the wind in his hair can compare to your velvet touch on his skin.

[alitaimagines]

“you should let me love you. let me be the one too, give you everything you want and need. baby, good love and protection, make me your selection. show you the way love supposed to be. baby, you should let me love you.” 

character: keigo takami - MY HERO ACADEMIA 

note: sorry for all the Hawks! im just in a fluff mood for him. sooo, I might take requests after all. if any of you want to send something in particular, I’ll see if I can write it out! 

you had been together with Hawks for a few months now. 

was it hard? fuck yeah. did you regret ever telling him yes? absolutely not. being with Keigo was one of the best experiences of your life so far and you never wanted it to end. 

-

the two of you met after he saved your university from a villain. you were stuck as a hostage in a room with the villain itself. the class was filled with a bunch of students screaming, crying, or both but you were so paralyzed with fear that you weren’t able to say or do anything. 

once Hawks swooped in to save the class, he quickly defeated the villain before sending in the rest of the pro hero response team to grab everyone. 

you, being so struck by fear, didn’t move an inch. Hawks had seen this happen before and knew that the tears would be coming soon. your face was tucked in between your knees as he tapped you on the shoulder. 

“sweetheart, it’s fine, you can come with me.”

finally looking up, you seen the winged hero before slowly getting up. your hand trembled as you walked out of the university. a few of your friends instantly ran up to you as they wiped their tears to make sure you were okay. 

“lets get you to a medic,” one of your friends exclaimed as she slowly walked you to the paramedics. you still hadn’t uttered a word nor were you in the mood too. 

after your friends left you and the paramedic finally started checking you, they chalked up your frightened emotions as shock. they placed a weighted blanket on you before they noticed Hawks walking to them. 

he snapped his fingers as he told them to give you a few minutes alone, “I don’t think she’s in the right state of mind to be asked questions,” one of the paramedics said. he sighed, “I’m not asking her questions now leave,” he lectured as the paramedics finally listened and went to check on someone else. 

you were leaning up against the wall, your eyes still as hazy as they first were when he saved you. 

“you okay?” he asked as you didn’t respond. he sat next to you before sighing, “listen, I know what happened to you was traumatizing-,” Hawks didn’t even get through the first half of the sentence before hearing you bawl your eyes out. 

he watched as you hid your face between your blanket, “I could’ve died. my family could’ve had gotten a call that I was murdered. oh my god, how am I going to tell them?” you sobbed as you felt Hawks move you against him. 

“they’ve been notified,” he murmured as your eyes widened, “where’s my phone,” you yelled as you dug into your bag to see the 100+ messages from your family and friends. 

“call them in the morning, they know you’re okay but if you call them in the state you’re, it’s not going to help anyone here.” 

you knew he was right but you didn’t care. you immediately dialed your mom and heard her sobs racking through the phone as she asked you a million and one questions. 

“m-mom, it’s fine! i’m okay,” you managed to say as she tried to calm herself down, “c-can I c-call you tomorrow? I need to talk to the paramedics,” you lied as she agreed and hung up. 

Hawks saw you grip your phone as the tears kept flowing down, “thank you for saving me, I know you’re a very in demand hero and you probably need to get going but you saved me,” you admitted as he nodded. 

he had never seen anyone this shaken up before and truthfully, a part of him was disturbed. he saved hundreds of people before but for some reason, your reaction and you alone enraged him. 

Hawks never dealt with the aftermath of villains but he was going to make sure that the villain who did this actually served as many possible years as they could. 

“nah, I’ll stay behind and make sure you’re okay. don’t need you ruinnin’ off somewhere and getting hurt,” he replied as you shook your head, “it’s fine. I’m okay. I’ve received a few emails that I’m excused for classes for the rest of the week so I’m going to take the few days to recover,” you finally said without stuttering.

Hawks remained sitting as he watched you wrap the blanket around you, “do you have a car here?” you nodded as he finally thought of a way to keep an eye on you but make sure you weren’t going to noticed him, “I’ll walk you there,” he added on as you hesitantly agreed. 

you walked to your car in silence as Hawks held your backpack. your car was a bit on the beat up side but you were a college student, a brand new car probably wasn’t even in your financial means. 

you put your bag into the trunk before going to the drivers side and giving Hawks one final look, “thank you,” you whispered before getting into the car. 

he let you drive off for a few more minutes before deciding to fly and follow you to your house. he didn’t mean to be the creepiest person ever but he was just concerned about you getting home. 

your apartment didn’t look to be too far from your university but as soon as he watched you get into the complex, a sense of relief washed over him and finally decided to fly back to his agency.

-

it took Hawks a while for you to come around to the idea of you dating him. your fears were warranted though. you didn’t want to be so publicized in the media nor did you want any of his enemies coming after you.

you didn’t want to be in the hero field. far from it. so dating the number two hero was in the complete opposite side of the spectrum for you. 

there would be days where Hawks would just come by your house for a ‘glass of water’ in the middle of his patrol. you would be so adorably cute and make him not want to leave but he had people to save and villains to defeat. 

when you finally cracked down and accepted the idea of dating him, Hawks hadn’t felt so happy in so long. the idea of Hawks coming home to you and you greeting him with a hug and kiss basically projected him to cloud nine. 

that’s where you were now. it was a rare day off for him and you were cuddled up in his arms when he woke up in the morning. you were probably still dead asleep as you had a tendency to sleep without waking up to any commotion. 

you had your hair sprawled all over your face as he softly moved it away to get a good look at you. in a sense, you were like his own version of heaven. he didn’t even know if he believed in a God but if there was one, he felt like they placed you in his life on purpose.

Keigo didn’t really fall for the fake corny romantic bullshit but ever since becoming official with you, it was hard not too. you would greet him at your apartment when he stopped at your place after his shift and on the days where he asked you to go to his house an hour before his shift ended, you were there to greet him with a kiss. 

he truly never believed he would ever get the taste of such that life but here you were, in his arms peacefully asleep.

Keigo still hadn’t told you he loved you yet but he knew that would be coming sooner than later. he had no intention of letting you go now. you were stuck with the number two hero whether you liked it or not. 

it was already reaching ten when you started shuffling in place. he looked down at you as you opened your eyes and gave him the sleepiest smile you could have. 

“morning,” you muttered, “how long have you been up?”

he shrugged, “eight, maybe nine?” he estimated. your eyes widened, “that long? you haven’t gotten up to eat? would you want me to make you something?” you asked. 

“in a minute, I just want to hold you for a few moments,” he admitted. you gave him a kiss which he quickly deepened, “what has you so soft this morning? you’re usually teasing me by now,” you joked as he shrugged. 

“waking up to you this morning felt different,” he mentioned, “I’ve never waken up next to someone I love before.” 

your eyes widened as you grabbed his hand, “aw, Keigo, I’m honored. I know your life has been considerably harder in comparison to mine but you don’t have to feel like I’m going to leave you or something,” you responded as he nodded, “I love you too,” you said back making him smile. 

he immediately plopped you on top of him and kissed you again, “holding you this way is going to get addicting, you know that?” you giggled as you snuggled up to his chest, “really now?” you mocked as you got up, “well that sucks because I’m making you breakfast and you’re helping,” you told him as he chuckled lowly. 

you got off of him and grabbed his shirt before slipping it on and making your way to his bedroom bathroom. you and him brushed your teeth before he got into the shower. 

once he finished and put on a pair of grey sweatpants with a white shirt, he met you in his kitchen that went hardly touched. he maybe cooked once or twice in it? Keigo tended to order takeout and never did learn how to cook. 

you had headphones popped in as you took out a few things you bought yesterday and mixed them together before pouring milk. watching you do the most domestic thing ever made his heart flutter. it was like the two of you were married and in a way, he longed that this relationship would lead to that. 

“are you gonna help?” you exclaimed as he laughed, “coming love! you know you’re able to connect your phone to the stereo that’s in the wall, right?” 

he made his way over to you before giving you a kiss and helping you connect the music you had playing in your headphones to the speaker built into the wall. 

ALITA

[castiowl]

i am so close to going full tanya harding on my psych practice’s knee so i just need to rant

first of all i’ve had 9 fucking MH professionals to deal with medication management in the last 2 years. NINE. the longest i had one was for about 7 months, which thankfully was the first one i had after my mental health crisis in 2019 so i was at least able to get my meds figured out and be pretty stable before the fucking Great Psychiatry Exodus where every single provider decided to leave the fucking practice they were at after one (1) whole session with me.

the last three i had, i told them my bad luck with providers and how they all leave the practice and i swear to god all 3 of them said “oh haha well i’m not leaving any time soon!” and then they left LMFAOO

the last 2 i had were from the same practice so i decided to switch to a different practice. especially after my most recent provider was only there for 6 months before leaving. clearly something weird going on.

new practice seems great. easy to use website and so easy to set up an appt. had my first appt, once again stressing that i’ve not had the same provider twice in a row in a year and a half now. provider was super nice and was like wow! that sucks! well i’m not going anywhere :-)

i get an email before my second appt saying i have $250 to pay still from my first session and if i don’t pay it, the appt will be canceled. what the fuck. then i figure out they don’t have my correct insurance information which is partially on me, but i always forget what falls under major medical vs behavioral health because i have two different insurances for those. so i call and explain and give them the correct info. i guess it was on me for not confirming that my appt wouldn’t be canceled….but i show up for my appt (online waiting room) and my provider is online but she never connects with me. i waited a full 45 mins and then she signs off. i was like ??? okay???

so i call the office and they’re like oh your appt was canceled because you didn’t pay. so first of all 1) you didn’t tell me the appt was canceled. fuck you for that. would’ve been nice to receive a fucking email or something so i don’t show up like a jackass 2) i explained that i called to fix the problem so what the fuck? and 3) now i’m out of medication so i need to see a provider…

(also just fucking annoying that my provider could clearly see i was signed in/waiting for her in the waiting room and didn’t bother to just send me a quick IM saying hey your appt was canceled! just let me sit there for a fucking hour)

office person is like well her next appt isn’t until july 26 (this appt was july 6) and i was like fucking great let’s do it. they sent me to the nurse to ask about medication. had to leave a message. whatever.

i ended up just paying the $250 because i didn’t want THIS appt to be canceled too. i figured once the claim went through i’d be refunded but i haven’t been home and my behavioral health insurance does everything through snail mail in the year 2021 :-)

i get a call from the nurse and she’s like oh yeah we can refill your Rx no problem so like finally some good news. but then i say i’m in florida and could they send it to the walgreens down here? and she’s like ohhhh we don’t send meds across state lines usually so i’ll have to ask your provider. excuse me? so no client can go on vacation for longer than their medicine allows? literally how is that okay? besides the fact that where i pick up my meds is none of their business. literally. like i could’ve had them send it to the walgreens in VA and then call walgreens to transfer it for me and they’d be none the wiser (i ended up doing this for one med because i was so over it). anyway. got my meds. it’s all good.

so my second appt rolls around today. everything is great. the balance was paid. i received a call friday confirming the appt.

however. lol. the portal they have stopped letting me log into the desktop version. my phone is fine. zero problems. but the exact same user name password on desktop says it’s wrong. i swear i checked it like 30 times. didn’t work. so i was like okay whatever i’ll just go straight to my provider’s online waiting room. i did so. logged in there. waiting. ten minutes past the appt i was like…..i swear to fucking god if they canceled on my and didn’t tell me again i’m gonna commit a crime. call the office. apparently if you’re on hold for more than 5 mins, they send you to voicemail. fuck that. i just called again. i get a person. yay.

i ask if she’s running late or w/e and the office person says i didn’t confirm the appt by logging into the patient portal. are you fucking kidding me? i haven’t received an email about this july 26 appt at all, let alone one telling me i need to do XYZ to confirm an appt. the phone call i got confirming the appt didn’t say to call back or go online. i literally had to hunt through my browser history just to find her waiting room address. (after logging into the portal after all this shit, there isn’t even a fucking link to the waiting room anywhere so idk where i was supposed to find that without already just knowing it).

i explain all this, how the portal isn’t working on desktop anyway (i literally put a note in my phone about it) and i was IN the waiting room on time so what the fuck. and the office person very helpfully was like oh well she can call you if there are any cancellations. okay. whatever. but i’m out of meds today so…. office person very shittily says “i will let her know” with this fucking tone like i’m the one who dropped the ball here. jesus fucking christ.

look folks i barely want to be alive as it is but having to fucking fight tooth and nail just to talk to a person so i can get the meds that make me not die is like. A FUCKING joke. i am the least flakey person ever and i look like an insane person who can’t do basic tasks to this clinic because their shit is so fucked up.

all this on top of the fact that my therapist is just. idk. the vibes have been way off and i just miss my old therapist so goddamn much especially with life returning to normal w covid and hey my dog has cancer! i’m just ready to throw in the towel.

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

[cheyenneosis]

ok so after looking through some things my anxiety and paranoia has lessened much more, but im gonna mention some more things...personally this was a bit distressing to read about so only read more if you're curious abt my input

so i already talked abt this weird mess that popped up on here a few days ago when things looked very uncertain about a particular streamer

initially this looked like this was something that was meant to call out the guy as several users made this out to seem potentially illegal and toxic and the op who revealed to having a fling with vin also seemed to be somewhat against him based on their replies to other ppl so for several days i felt very anxious and was preparing to stop supporting vinny altogether

with op being legal and confirming that it was consensual i don't think there's anything to do, i find the age gap a bit strange to say the least but had they been just a year younger then I'd prob be more put off as grown adults should still stray away from basically fresh-out-of-hs ppl but i understand if others don't wish to watch vinny anymore bc of this however its just that it doesn't appear to be a case of abuse or grooming or toxicity so I'm not super bothered by this personally...people, esp those on this dumb site tend to celebrate and glorify the fact that teenagers who've just turned 18 yesterday will have already began promoting their onlyfans or some other form of sex work whether it be getting into p orn or escorting that likely attract the attention of 40+ y/os which is more disturbing to me so im just not super put off by someone who's gonna be 20 anyways hooking up with someone in their 30s

while i'm relieved that this did not turn out to be super fucked up ive seen a person or two get extremely defensive to the point of coming after op and emailing vinny about this...perhaps the way ppl have been talking about this drama could have caused these guys to think that this was a genuine slander situation but then again looking back no one ever actually accused vinny of doing something illegal/fucked aside from the age gap so this itself is bit of a red flag as if this was actually the case then those guys would have potentially been blindly defending vin just for the sake of protecting their beloved idol so...you know who you are...

on the other hand i got mixed messages throughout this whole thing which is probably what had me feel so migrained and on edge the past few days as i wasn't sure if this was some joke or an actual call out of some sort and earlier on i lowkey thought that it may have been something straight up untruthful tbh but things do connect so perhaps this isn't a lie of any sort...but with that being said i don't think any of those details should've been our business? i don't think that vinny would want that sort of thing being spread around so i thought this wasn't a good idea esp since it was kinda treated like this was supposed to be calling vinny out so idk its possible that before covid vinny was likely someone who occasionally hooked up with women as some adults do just for pleasure or whatever as long as its healthy then why should other people get involved in that info

i know someone's prob gonna message me or make fun of me for posting this long thing about this drama but vinesauce is just something i grew so attached to over the course of several months so if some nasty shit were to come to light my heart would break and I'd feel so unsure abt the future of the entire team but you know im prepared to put a dying dog down when things get too painful for it and ofc the others streamers are still just as good i just needed to get all that off my chest completely this time. seeing as this doesn't appear to be a very bad widespread situation i don't think vinny would need to address this but if he does then it probably wouldn't be such a bad idea

idk why this stuff had to get so weird in multiple areas i just want to go off but this will do hopefully. sorry if this post sounds off or poorly worded i only wanted to give my thoughts about this thing that plagued me for nearly a week everyone has just kinda done some things poorly in my opinion ill probably delete this sometime anyways time for sleep

[heanv]

Sunflower | Haechan

 genre: college!au,relationship

warning: the d word mentioned(?)

word count:2.1k

requested by: @ hyuckysunflower

song: sunflower by rex orange  country

Everybody meets their soulmates no matter when but eventually this happens. You had your luck to find yours in the second year of high school. You knew he was the one, you truly felt it.

/I want to know,Where I can go/

You knew Haechan since you were six or seven years old. He always somehow ended up playing with you on the playground and your houses are really close to each other you both were literally like siblings. You made your own courts pretending to be a kingdom where he was the king and you were his queen. He was the one who taught you how to ride your bike and the one who would buy you an ice popsicle in the hot summer days. You loved each other back then and you still loved each other but this love grew stronger with the years and eventually became a real love with a strong bond. You remember how nervous he was when he first asked you on a date and then your first shared kiss only a month later when he took you to the rooftop of his house and told you he loved you.

/So won't you stay for a moment,So I can say/

Now two years later ,happier than ever you guys are planning your future and everything seems perfect. You and him will attend the local university then after you both graduate you will spend a year of travelling around the world and when you came back he would propose to you and the little cozy wedding you both dreamt for will be held in the back of Haechan’s house since it was bigger than yours and after that you both will find jobs and a small family house  and eventually have kids and live happily,

/Cause right now you know that nothing here's new,And I'm obsessed with you/

But not everything may not happen the way you guys want it.

You were accepted in the local college and so was Haechan. Some days before the official day for applying the documents for the college ,Haechan received an interesting email. Since the local college wasn’t the only school you applied for ,knowing that you don’t really need something else you picked some schools near the town Haechan also but there was one school he secretly applied for thinking it was impossible to choose him because it was a college for music and art and beside the grades they wanted a photo of painting or a video of singing or playing an instrument. You knew how much your boyfriend loved singing and music but you didn’t  know much he wanted to study there but he didn’t mind giving up his dreams for you.

So when Haechan opened the email that said he was accepted in the music college he was on cloud nine.

‘’oh my god’’ he whispered to himself. He knew how hard is entering a school like this and he had to reread the email more than 5 times until he was sure that what he sees was right.

Then it hit him like a sharp slap from the reality. What about you? What about the perfect plan of yours for the future? Will you hate him if he decides to go into the music college? And the worst will you two break up? All of the questions popped into his head and didn’t leave him alone for the whole night.

/ Then I fell to the ground/

In the morning he already knew that he didn’t want to miss the opportunity to study in his dream college but the guiltiness was eating him alive. How was he supposed to tell you? So he decided to make the dumbest decision in his life- to start slowly avoiding you so you could forget him easily. It hurt him so much to ignore all of your calls and all of your messages you sent because you were confused what was going on.

/ I don't wanna see you cry,you don't have to feel this emptiness/

He hated himself so much and he didn’t leave his house for the following day and lived as if he was in a cave until his bestfriend Mark came on the morning of the third day. He knocked on Haechan’s door and after a minute of waiting the door was slightly opened enough for Haechan to see if it was his girlfriend.

‘’Man, whats going on?’Y/n is going crazy, why don’t you pick up her calls or answer her texts?’’

‘’I cant’’ said the other boy not having enough courage to look at his friend’s eyes.

‘’What? What happened,dude?’’  Mark sat next to him on the bed.

‘’I got accepted at the college of music and arts’’ Haechan mumbled,still not looking up.

‘’Oh my God, that’s fantastic! Congrats,man!’’ Mark hugged his friend with a big smile.

‘’Yeah it’s nice but the college is 5 hours away and me and y/n were supposed to study here. How am I supposed to tell her that we have to break up because of me ?”

‘’Whoa,whoa ,man,hold up. Who says that you guys should break up? You love each other so much its getting annoying and beside that y/n is good enough to understand you, you know this ,right?

‘’Do you think she would hate me?”

‘’No,no way, maybe she would be a little upset but its okay but I really think she would support you.’’

“you think so?” haechan finally decided to look up.

“ i know it,just talk to her,ok?”

“yeah,i must talk to her” he whispred to himself.

Haechan thought of a different ways to tell you and it took him one more day of ignorirng you. He felt even mote guilty but he just wanted to show you how much he wanted to study there.So in the end he texted you.

“Hi,love.Sorry for being a dick just got something really important i want to tell you about and i just really needed time to think about it and i can tell you everything if you come tonight at my place and once again im so sorry, i love you”

He knew that you were mad by the way you answered.

“ok”

at least you answered.

/'Cause I don't wanna feel like I'm not me/

Haechan felt really bad for ignoring you so he prepared something special.He made a picnic with candles on the floor on his balcony.When the doorbell rang he was trying to calm himself because the guilt was choking him.When he opened the door he was greeted by the cold look on your face making his pain twice bigger in the spur of the moment.

“Hey” was the only thing he could mummble in this uncorfomtable moment.

“Hi” you whispered feelingless although a little piece of insecurity could be seen in your eyes.

/Sunflower still grows at night/

You followed him to his room, the whole air filled with tense silence and when he closed the door of his room he stopped finally meeting your eyes now realising that are filled with a pure sadness.

“What happened,baby? You dont love me anymore?” you whispered silently but enough for him to hear and enough for his heart to break.You let your tears quietly fall on your face and when your boyfriend saw this he immediately embrased you in his arms.

“No,baby, how could you think about this? I love you too much, i’d rather die instead of leaving you” he whispered his hand gently playing with your hair and the other holding you even tighter.

/You know you need to get yourself to sleep,And dream a dream of you and I/

You sob for a minute more and then you look up to him.

“Then what’s the matter? What happened?” you stared in your boyfriend’s dark endless eyes as if you would find the answer in them.Still holding onto each other he takes your hand and leades you to the balcony. You gasp at the beautiful sight of what he has prepared for you.

“This is the least thing I could do for you after everything” he said as if he just read what you were thinking.

You both sat on the blanket on the floor ,feeling the warm wave of the candles as if it was hugging you.

“So i guess i will finally have to tell you”

/I promise I'm the one for you/

You nodded singlnaling him you are ready to listen carefully. “You know how much I love music,right? And you know how we are supposed to go to the local college but 3 days ago i received an email which said that...” he paused for a second and took a deep breath “ i am accepted in the college for art and music” he looked at you,taking another deep breath “the one i told you about some months ago”.

You just stared at him.No reaction,no word came out of you and he took this as a sign to continue.

“ i know how it sounds but this is college where is really hard to get in and when i applied was something like a back-up plan because i didnt think they would choose someone like me but it looks that they have” he chuckled to himself not daring to look at your eyes that was burning holes through him. “ y/n i know we had a plan and ruining it wasnt something i was looking forward to at all but i hope you can understand what a chance this is for me. i love you so much and the thought of having you 5 hours away from me kills every single part of me and i-“

“i love you haechan” you intereppted him.” i love you so much and i know how much music means for you and i cant tell how much proud i am from you because i do how hard is getting into a colleges like this one and-”

/Just let me hold you in these arms tonight/

its your turn to pause.

“ i wont mind if you go there and study” haechan looked at you with widened eyes ready to pop off their place “ i know its gonna be hard and i know that i will not be able to see you everytime i want to but i guess that this could be a challenge for us, like we live near each other, we went to the middle and highschool together and having you apart could only either make our relationship stronger or either we will end up breaking up” you both looked at each other seriously “i think that we are not kids anymore and we have to act like grown up people” your boyfriend nodded, staring at the empty wall probably dived in the mess in his head “ look i love you way too much and i know that you love me too so the thing is that i dont want us to break up just because we are scared of how the things will turn out” you pause reaching for haechan’s hand and hold it tightly and he responds to your touch in the same way.

/And so she sat me down and told me that I didn't have to cry/

“i cant believe how smart you are,y/n, you may be proud of me but right now im prouder of you and i feel that the connection between us is stronger than some 5 hours” you both smile warmly at each other still holding hands.

although you couldnt explain how much happy and proud of your boyfriend you were you felt a wave of sadness washing over you and it seemed that haechan saw that.

“baby, i know its gonna be hard and it probably wont be the perfect relationship but just think about all the trips we are going to have either you will come to see me or i will and in the dorm i will take as much as photos of you, of us i will take so everyone knows that im taken by the most beautiful and smart girl ever” he gave you a quick kiss on the cheek and you cuddled into him “and when i bring some of my new friends here ot when you come to see me im gonna show you off as if you are the only thing i possess”

/And then told me that she'll love me for as long as she's alive /

the huge blush on your face and the sparkles in your eyes gave haechan a sign that everything is going to be alright, that there will be you and him in the future and because the love you had for each other was stronger than the distance you were about to have between you and he knew that he is the lucky one to find you and he was gonna keep you,no matter what.

/Sunflower still grows at night/

masterlist 

[chumpmagump]

27/08/2020

I dont really know what to say. I’m forcing myself to write something because I think if i leave it inside it will become something uglier. I really should be taking my own advice that i give clients, so here i am today trying.  I have been stupidly irritated and moody by things at work the past week. I dont know if its compassion fatigue, i dont think it is because I was on the verge of tears at work yesterday after hearing two horrible things from clients.  I think it could be my birth control, im on a new one and it lasts 3 months so i cant really do anything about it until the 3 months are up but hope that it starts to work for me without making a mega bitch.  Today is going to be horrible because the first YP TOgraduate from rehab is being arrested and sent back to prison for another matter that i think doesnt deserve jail time atleast not to the extent of 12 months min. I’m devastated, i dont know how i will be able to wish them today knowing police are going to come to the door at any time during the graduation. Theres more to it that i cant get into for confidentiality reasons, but i’m angry at the legal system. Young people are so fucking vulnerable, especially those native to our country.  And then another client is dealing with a lot of grief today. Its just not a great time at work. I’m heavily behind on counselling notes, and today i was going to take that time to do that but i dont feel comfortable leaving them at the centre today. Personal life is okay i guess? I havnt been seeing any friends. I havnt really wanted to. One of them i know has strong feelings for me and i just dont have the heart to tell him i dont think there is something there. After we went to the zoo on the weekend, I just knew i didnt feel anything really. All my othr friends, some of them are great and I would hang out with them in a heartbeat, but thats only a few that i know i would have energy for. Theres one particular friend i know i just need to cut off and ive been distant consistently, but shes still there. I know i just need the guts to say hey, you talk too much in convrsation and i dont have the fucking energy to listen to you 80% of our interaction because thats not a friendship. I think the mains i want in my life are  -Malory -Cara -Phoebe  -Andres -Matt -Shermin -Kosta if he can actually not be a dick - Courtney 

the rest i probably need to  improve my relationship with or fuck them off instead ofjust saying ‘‘ lets hang out tomorrow im tired today sorry’ like its not good enough from me. im sick of being  a flake.  I’ve made things clear with sam in terms of my boundaries and what i need from our interactions. He has stepped up significantly, which is strange and surprising. I dont really know whats changed in him, i guess the realisation I am a worthy person in his life. I’m still very very hypervigilant of him fucking up, i have to watch myself in not getting attached to the idea this will be consistent for him. he still hasnt fucked off the girl he slept with in the first place the night i was in deep trouble.  I have not been taking care of myself the proper way. Probably because when i get home im fucking exhausted, I need a better way to cope with work because its spilling onto other areas of my life that ive forgotten i should be focused and entitled to. Like meditation i was doing everyday for weeks there, and i was doing stretching. Both things I have fucked off for no reason other than i am cold and tired and moody. I am getting braces in 4 weeks. Terrified. Still dont know clear aligners or ceramic. I am so fucking indecisive i hate myself and so does my ortho probably lol. i’m scared to even check  my emails because i sent him a question that im worried will piss him off because ive been asking a lot of questions, and maybe he will just crack and tell me to fuck off which i know is highly unlikely i am just terrified.  Ah yes, iron pills. something i need to actually get to improve my fatigue as well. Sex wise i am definitely more horny, which is great because that was like rarity for me. I think i have realised i need an emotional connection with the perosn and i need to be properly attracted to them, like not just a little but very much so. Funny, my best friend from high school hit on me last night. She is beautiful and I’ve always thought about that possibility but she would be so experienced being with girls and i have 0 experience lmao. All my exes have been jealous of her because they think im gonna go and be with her just because ive said i have found her attractive in the past. I think i have been having sex with the focus on the guy because i like them to have a good experience and i find that hot, But then physically like im not getting to finish because all my focus is on that yknow.  okay ive started thinking about work again and how fucking devatsted i am for my client. Seriously, i just want to cry and scream and scream some more. I havnt been this affected by client situation in a long time.  Maybe this afternoon i will go for a walk around the roos and listen to some songs in his legacy. Sigh. This was a messy post and really has no point and no grammar but i needed to write it

[kissmemando]

It’s College

Peter Parker x fem!reader

Warnings: none

Summary: y/n is moving into MIT and meets her dorm neighbor Peter

It was move in day at MIT, y/n pushed her cart of things to her dorm with her parents and siblings. She was undoubtedly nervous to finally meet her roomate, Paula from London. They had been emailing and texting over the summer and really clicked. As she approached her dorm room a boy from across the hall had stumbled over and dropped a box of miscellaneous objects. Instinctively, y/n stopped the cart to help the boy. She started to help pick up the dropped objects when something caught her eye.

“I’m more of a Han Solo type of girl, but Luke’s cool too,” y/n said as she handed the boy his things including a small Luke Skywalker figurine made for a keychain. She usually wasn’t this confident, but she felt the need to connect with him.

“Thanks, I’m uh Peter, Peter Parker. Luke isn’t too bad anyway, he’s a Jedi which is pretty sick.” Peter replied shaking her hand.

“It’s nice to meet you Peter, I’m Y/n y/l. I gotta finish moving in but I’ll see you around, I’m just around the hall.” Y/n flashed a smile at him and he did the same causing her to blush a bit. She walked towards her family and began to help them unload her things. It looked like Paula hadn’t arrived yet so y/n got first pick on the beds. She chose the one by the window because it reminded her of home.

“We should go get lunch before we have to take the plane back home.” Y/n’s mom said. They walked out of y/n’s dorm into the hall and y/n took a quick glance at Peter’s dorm hoping to see if she could say bye. It was only about 1 in the afternoon and she was sure she’d see him when everyone at her dorm meet for their group meeting about rules and safety.

“So who was the boy you helped?” Her father asked as they headed back to her dorm building

“Uhhh Im not sure, I just met him, his name is Peter.” She answered swiping her family into the building. It was now about 3:30 and they had a flight at 9 pm but wanted to be there by 5pm because they are parents.

“We are just gonna go to your dorm and grab our things and come right out. Your dad has to give back the rental car and it’s gonna take us about an hour together to the airport.” Y/n’s mom told her so that she is prepared for their separation. Truth was that y/n had hardly been away from home. The longest she’d been away from home without her parents or siblings was probably a week for her engineering camp mentoring program. She was nervous, even though sometimes her family would drive her insane she loved them dearly.

“Yeah mom I know.” She said back her mom as she guided them back her dorm. As she unlocked the door she looked over once again to Peter’s dorm wanting him to come out and chat. She looked to the other side of the room and saw Paula’s things, but no paula.

“Alright y/n, walk us out.” Y/n grabbed her mother’s hand as she said this. It was time for her to grow up. they reached the front exit of the building and y/n hugged her siblings then her dad who told her she was meant to do great things and then her mom hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. Y/n loved her mom but they weren’t super close. She didn’t tell her mom everything they weren’t best friends but it felt like she was losing herself on this woman’s arms.

“Be good, don’t forget to call me, I love you and goodbye” goodbye stung her heart. Y/n didn’t like goodbyes they always felt terrible. Once out of her mom’s arms it felt like a piece of her heart was missing. Her mom was crying making her want to cry but she couldn’t, she didn’t want to.

“Bye I love you guys.” She said as they walked out on the verge of tears, really trying hard not the cry. Behind her, she heard a similar encounter.

“I’ll be fine Aunt May. Don’t cry cause then I’ll cry. Come on May.” She turned around and saw Peter with a softly crying woman on his shoulder. “May you dont live too far I could as come and visit and you can visit me.” Peter walked the woman to the door and they hugged goodbye, y/n stood waving bye to your family as they drove past, she could see the tears in her mom’s eyes.

“Goodbyes are so hard aren’t they.” Peter said as he stood next to her watching May get to her car.

“God, you’re telling me, it’s like torture especially with the people you love most.” He nodded his head in agreement.

“Y/n right,” she nodded her head yes, “you wanna walk back to our dorms together since they are right down the hall from another?”

“Yeah sure” they started to the elevator and got to know one another.

“So where are you from y/n?”

“I’m from y/h, born and raised. You?”

“Queens also born and raised.” Peter said and a proud smile appeared on his face. His hands were placed in the pocket of his blue jeans.

“Nice” the elevator doors opened and the two heard a girl laughing extremely loud from Y/n’s dorm. Y/n’s door was open and the two peered in to see a girl and guy on the ground laughing.

“Emilio? What are you doing in here?” Peter looked at the guy on the ground, who had light brown hair that looked orange in the sun. “Oh uh Emilio’s my roommate” Peter half whispered to y/n. She smelt his cologne off his neck when he spoke to her. It warmed her heart a bit making her forget that her family just left.

“I was just helping Paula with this box,” he pointed to a box on the ground knocked over and it’s contents on the ground. He stood up and helped Paula up as well.

“Well you must be y/n I presume, it’s nice to finally meet you, sorry about the mess.” Paula said and took out her had for to shake it. “ and you are?”

Peter took out his hand “ I’m Peter, Peter Parker, Emilio’s roomate.”

“Well it’s nice to meet you Peter.”

“We better go” emilio said picking up the box and he and Peter left the room.

Later, at the group meeting you and Paula walked in together. She was tall, with mocha skin, and very pretty. She walked briskly to the meeting in the community room. The two were the first there and sat on a sofa that fit about three. Later people started to come in and soon enough Peter and Emilio showed up. Emilio sat in the arm rest of Paula’s side of the couch and Peter sat in a chair next to y/n. When he took his seat he smiled at her.

“Hello Emiliano,” Paula said in her English accent.

The RA began to drone on about rules of the dorms and Peter looked at y/n acting like he was sleeping. She giggled quietly and looked away trying to concentrate on the RA. What she didn’t see was Peter smile to himself. He liked her little giggle it was adorable. Y/n knew Peter Parker was gonna be trouble but she welcomed it.

After the RA, Hadrain, was droning on he told everyone to take the time to get to know those that lived in your building and after you may go to dinner. Instinctively y/n looked over at Peter.

“So Peter, I’m guessing you like Star Wars”

Peter rolled his eyes in a joking manner, “ yeah I guess I’m into it” he said sarcastically.

Y/n smiled at Peter and they two continued to chat, until Paula and Emilio forced them to go to dinner. As they walked Emilio and Paula were ahead arms were linked

“Did something happen that we missed with the two?” Peter ask, brows furrowed.

“ I have no idea but, it’s only the first day maybe this is just how they are, maybe it’s just like friendly.” Y/n said messing with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

The four had finally made it too the dining hall and finished eating.

“The food really wasn’t all that” y/n said, unimpressed.

“Well it is college cafeteria food.” Peter replied

“But rich people go here.” Peter smiles and nodded his head in agreement

“Alright well I’m right to hit the sack” said Emilio and he got up from the table. Y/n didn’t have much of a chance to look at him before but now she could see more of his features. His brown hair that looked red in the light and she noticed some freckles. His eyes were green and his face was pale but she wasn’t sure if she was white, maybe Hispanic or mixed.

Y/n felt good walking with her little group of friends, because she never thought she’d have any especially at such a competitive school. Once in front of her dorm room Emilio hugged Paula by and simply said bye to y/n. Y/n galanced over to Peter who was on his phone, texting his Aunt May. She figured he wasn’t going to say by and pulled out her keycard.

“Wait, I don’t get a goodbye y/n?” Peter looked up, he sounded half joking and half serious.

Y/n blushed, “well bye mr.parker I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodbye ms.y/n I hope you sleep well.”

—————————————————————————————————————

Author’s note

Hiii, I’m Indie! I hope you liked my first story I’ll probably be writing a part two soon depending if this is well received or not. Also if you have any suggestions or ideas please HMU! Thanks for reading ❤️

[personagf-moved]

alphabet & soft questions ✨

I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf

i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘

honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily

Alphabet ask:

a // age: 21

b // birthplace: new jersey!

c // current time: 1:17 am

d // drink you had last: coffee

e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool

f // favorite songs: 

aint it fun - paramore

trivia love 

honey - kehlani

abbey - mitski

moonlight - ariana grande

g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 

h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 

i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man

j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess

k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)

l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 

m // middle name: padilla

n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)

o // one wish: to find true love

p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol

q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)

r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf

s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(

t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 

u // underwear colour: she be black 

v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/

w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 

x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o

y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby

z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 

Soft ask:

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes

What’s your aesthetic?

the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 

What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 

What do you most like about the beach?

not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!

What do you worry about constantly?

when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!

What is a song you’ve cried to before?

oh boy...

trivia love

moonchild

first love

she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack

20 something - sza

26 - paramore

the letter - kehlani

landslide - fleetwood mac

when you see my friends - mayday parade

and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart

What are some relaxing tips for your followers?

as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 

but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)

 What are some things that make you tear up?

the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy

What is your favorite from each sense?

sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh

smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn

taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning

sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise

touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair

What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?

one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should

jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

for starters im ugly as shit so theres one

if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 

but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out

What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  

Say something to your followers:

thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[marism-tr]

long venting under cut, just wanted to get it off my chest, pls skip ⏭ it’s basically me rambling here like it’s a diary entry

Honestly shoutout to my boss for calling in to check on me today. I’ve been so overwhelmed with so many different things I need to get done, I just shut down completely, emotionally and mentally, on everything I was doing. I put off doing everything and at some point, I accumulated a whole of people need to call/email for school and work that I’m way overdue on and my boss was one of them. But after like a week or two passed and I finally had free time to sit down and respond to her, I just got so anxious??? So I kept it putting that off and the stress of not doing it but knowing I have to became this whole cycle of me not doing anything and feeling like shit constantly 🤦‍♀️ but idk after talking to my preceptor recently about my concerns about postgrad and like omg when my boss called. she didn’t even bring up the fact it’s been a while, she kept it casual and was so nice, asking how I was, and how things are with the rotation 🥺 and it’s been months since I basically left her on read??? i expected her to be angry or upset, but she didn’t mention it all?? I ended up being the one to bring the topic up and kept saying sorry and she said ‘it’s fine, dw about it, everyone has times when they get too busy or overwhelmed, don’t feel sorry about it’ 🥺🥺🥺 idek it took a lot of the anxiety and stress I felt whenever I think about all the things I need to get done and it’s prob from realizing in that moment that every situation isn’t gonna be the worst case scenario I keep imagining and not everyone is gonna blow up and get mad at me for being MIA for so long. anywaysususu long rambling im so sorry to anyone who actually read through this but in conclusion, i finally feel a lil bit better compared to before and now can finally go into what’s hopefully a productive weekend 🙏 and to anyone ive been slow on replying to, ill be more active in the upcoming weeks!! finally figured out how to find good access to social media that’s NOT constantly dropping. honestly fuck those damn blocks on the company’s WIFI SMH. im already trapped working in the basement with no windows and then u add the pain of not even being able to connect to others outside there??? UGH 😩

also side note: I noticed I got some new mutuals recently and I saw and thank u so much omg 😭 idk how u found me or why u followed back because I legit contribute nothing except overusing ‘sorry’ in convos LOL but ahhh again thank you 😭 and hope we get a chance to talk in the future!

[rambling-at-midnight]

Hacked: Part 3

You've got to be the only high-schooler without a phone, but that doesn't bother you (much). You can text on multiple platforms on your computer so as long as you've got Wi-Fi you can connect to the Internet and everything you need.

Your Science class is entirely technology-based so it's not hard to wander off the path and do your own research. You've always been all right at Science, if not pretty good, and it doesn't matter what grades you've got in three months because then it'll all be over.

As Mr. Bradfurd rambles on about tectonic plates or the like, you pull up the email exchange between you and Mrs. Sharpe. The meeting with her had been largely unsuccessful except for a list of people that might want Tony Stark humiliated. Unfortunately, it's mostly a list of his flings. You're still going to meet with them, however, and hope they've got more to go on except 'He lured me to bed and then left the next day!'

Your laptop bings and the class looks at you. You flush and turn the sound off before investigating the source of the sound. Ned had texted you on your Google Voice number.

Ned: Hey

You: Wassup

Ned: I got a lego death star, me and peter r gonna try and build it wanna come over

You grimace at the mention of Peter. He can't stand to be in your presence for more than fifteen minutes normally (lunch was an exception; you had been surprised when he had appeared to be listening to the argument going on between you and Ned) and won't even talk to you. Sometimes he won't even look at you. You can understand hating someone like that—Tony Stark is the man you despise, but that's for a good reason—and you can rack your brains for hours but you just can't figure out why Ned's best friend hates you. You didn't ever do anything wrong to him, but you'll return fire with fire happily.

You: Nah no thanks. Im pretty sure Peters got like a trap set up around his door to keep me out lol

Ned: What are u talking about?

You: Dont play dumb, its no secret he hates me

Ned: Wtf u talking about?

You: U havent noticed?

"Y/n?" Mr. Bradfurd calls, disapproval evident in his voice. You jerk your head up and stare at him, slowly getting redder as the whispers around you get louder. Without looking at the screen, you minimize your texting and go back to the class notes. "Get your head out of the clouds," your Science teacher warns. You just duck your head and seethe.

MJ kicks your foot under the table and shows you her recent sketch of you. Your head is a tomato. "Because you blush so easily," she whispers.

You roll your eyes at her antics. At least the teachers don't call her out on never paying attention. MJ's smart mouth might actually land her in detention rather than just observing and you know that despite her acting like she doesn't care, her parents put a lot of pressure onto her to get good grades.

When you're sure Bradfurd isn't eyeing you anymore, you pull up the tab between you and Ned. He sent a bunch of texts and you can imagine him sending them all with varying degrees of hysteria:

Ned: No I havent

Ned: He doesn't hate you!

Ned: Y/n srsly he doesn't hate you im not lying

Ned: TALK TO ME

Ned: Ru mad at me now?

Ned: Y/N

Ned: Imma text mj if you dont respond

You: Cool ur tits, bradfurd called me out

Ned: Oh good I thought you were mad lol

You: Y would i b?

Ned: Idk man

Ned: So ill take it ur not coming 2nite?

You: Ye, sorry

You: Gotta work

Ned: Ur always working, just like peters always at the Stark Internship

You internally groan at that. You had managed to forget about the other person you know who would be affected by exposing Stark. You may not hate Peter, even though he seems to hate you. Ruining Stark's reputation could potentially ruin Peter's and you don't want to see another person travel down the road of Persons Rejected By Society. You're already halfway to the end.

You: He shouldnt do that; stark's made a lot of mistakes. who knows what could happen to peter if stark gets into trouble?

Ned: lol

Ned: Wait ur serious?

Ned: Wtf y/n its not like stark's done super horrible stuff

You: Just sayin

In fact, you think you could even like Peter if he didn't hate you. He's certainly attractive, with curly brown hair and melted-chocolate eyes, but you wouldn't settle for someone who can't even stand you. If he could learn to be less of a jerk, certainly, especially considering the only guys you ever talk to is Ned and Peter by association.

The bell rings, signaling the end of the school day, and you rush to your locker with the hopes of no one intercepting you. You'd managed your whole week without seeing Lindsey but today it would appear your luck has run out because she's waiting by your locker with a frown on her face and hands on her hips.

"Y/n," she grunts. You quirk an eyebrow at her and wait for her to move. When she finally pushes off the wall, it's with a snort and roll of her eyes. The two of you aren't especially fond of each other but the time you'd spent as teammates on the lacrosse team had eased the loathing to general dislike. "You haven't been to practice in two weeks."

"I am aware," you say curtly, twisting your lock around and then jamming your shoulder into the door to pop it open. She lets out a huff again as it becomes obvious you're not going to speed the conversation along.

"If you're still on the team, you've got to run about fifteen miles if you were to go to practice tonight," Lindsey informs you, sounding infinitely smug about the fact. She knows you can run, just not fifteen whole fucking miles.

"Oh, and I'm sure the coaches won't accept the fact that I'm working three jobs and my mom is dying of cancer as a reasonable excuse, right?" you snap, sweeping your books into your backpack quickly. "We both know I won't be running fifteen miles if I go to practice tonight. Maybe one extra. Maybe."

"With this level of disrespect to a team captain and your unavailability, we might as well just cut you now," Lindsey says with disgust, looking down her nose at you as your shoulder your backpack and curse your height when you have to crane your neck to look her in the eyes. It's the platform shoes she's always wearing, dammit.

"Coach Trisha's the one who decides who gets cut and who doesn't," you say smoothly. You're not worried about your place on the team—or you wouldn't be, if you hadn't been missing two weeks' worth of practices. You haven't been playing lacrosse very long but you're one of the better players on the team. If you could make it to practices and games that would be great.

"Captain's input is also vital," she snarls.

You narrow your eyes at her and tilt your head. The two of you both know that you could have been one of the captains based on skill alone, but you hadn't wanted to be the center of attention and you're not popular enough with the team to have managed that. That's part of the reason Lindsey enjoys putting you down—she loves to keep reminding you who has the power.

Lindsey's eyes twitch to the wall and then back to you. "Practice is at 6 tonight. If you can."

[this-brownie]

3.31.20

it feels therapeutic to write things out and be able to put my thoughts into words that I can visualize. I, sadly, had to stop writing in my old blog because Tumblr locked me out of it because I no longer had access to that Email…fucking yahoo and 2007 emails…anyway. I want to do a continuation from that blog so I will be making quite some posts about my past, starting from around April 2016.

https://somebrownie.tumblr.com

lets begin with a little background. so dad died on April 16 2017, but he had been sick for years before that. it first started off with slurred speech almost like he was drunk or something, which was when I was in tenth grade, and then progressed to him not being able to speak at all, resorting to writing on paper to communicate with us, not being able to eat solid foods anymore, having to get a tube attached onto his throat, bringing in medical equipment that was situated on his bed while he slept, and eventually having to move to a nursing home completely where he spent his final two years. I am not going to discuss what a domineering and prideful man he was, what a workaholic he was, how he tried to show us his love and affection through money and materialism, or how his death impacted me. those can be discussed at a later time. 

one positive result that came from this situation is that I had a little more freedom in pursuing the life I wanted. my mom always looked to him for guidance on every decision— I knew I wouldn't be able to marry the person who I loved because he would never allow it. Levi is a jew after all and as a muslim im supposed to hate him, of course. after he died, my mom became severely lost— she had never been completely independent. however, she still had her reservations when I told her who I wanted to marry. I had to be extremely forward, logical, and manipulative about it because old habits and a lifetime of molded mentality don't wash away that easily. a few factors helped me achieve my goal: I was in the process of graduating and had no means to get a job in my field because I didnt have the legal papers to reside in this country. by getting married, I would obtain a green card which would allow me to make money and make use of my degree. also, there was less pressure to uphold an image for our distant family and relatives— people had naturally started distancing themselves the sicker my dad became. less wealth flowed into our house meaning less parties to throw, less opportunities to give gifts to others, and less reasons to cook fancy food. this all contributed to people checking up less on my mom— all these people who she hold so dearly, couldn't give less of a fuck when they had nothing to benefit them. I asked her, are these the people youre trying to impress? is this the reason you want to hold me back? because it won't look good to THEM even tho they don't help us  at all? even while we are struggling? the last sneaky tactic I pulled was telling her that there are several friends who are willing to marry me, but at a cost. only one person who is willing to do it without a charge (good old Levi haha). and to my utter shock, she slowly agreed. I wasn't sure if she completely understood so I confirmed…”you know that means I have to live with him right…in case the lawyers check?” she said she understood and was okay with it. sweet success. that was June 2018.. in a couple months we will have been married for two years now.

Levi and I have been seeing each other since 2011. so our marriage was….a long time coming to say the least. luckily I had the chance to meet almost all of his immediate family members before we fully committed. the first people I met were his aunt candy and uncle chuck way back in 2013 for thanksgiving, and then again for Levis graduation ceremony in 2014. I've gone over for thanksgiving and passover dinners throughout the years as well. I met Levis parents for the first time in 2015 (I think) in boston and I was deathly nervous. his dad used to teach Jewish studies at both Harvard and yale—he's retired but still gets invited to conferences to gives speeches around the world. his mom opened a free after school program to teach poor children who don't have access to educational resources. so ofc I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. I wore a cute, not too revealing, dress and minimal makeup. thankfully, they steered the conversation and actually didnt interrogate me too much. we mostly just told stories which was nice. I remember one conversation where I talked about my degree in linguistics, my affinity for learning and understanding how languages work, and seamlessly adding an anecdote from a tv show that Levi and I watched from just the night before. the person on tv, I think he may have been European, wasn't able to pronounce the word “skewer” which I found very interesting because there are many sounds our tongues can't produce because we are not used to moving them in that certain way. something about the brain and tongue not being able to make the connection between the ways a foreign word is spelled and the different areas it has intonations. like, native Spanish speakers would have a difficult time saying an English word that starts with ‘sp’ like “special” or ‘sk’ in “school” because in their language the letter s isn't followed by another consonant; the sound of the letter ‘e’ always precedes the ‘s’ (like if you were to literally sound out the letter ‘s’)-- so a speaker would pronounce it as “especial”. anyway! I told his parents this tidbit that I found intriguing and added that Levi isn't able to pronounce the sound ‘gh’ but his dad was able to make all those sounds perfectly! which impressed me and put a smile on my face. his mom, who is French, was practicing the different sounds herself (not properly) and his dad just makes eye contact with me, rolls his eyes in a goofy way aimed at his wife, which cracked me up because here is this sweet woman trying her best and her silly husband secretly, but lovingly, making fun of her. it touched me because it felt so tender and genuine, when I had never really seen something like that exchanged in between my own parents.

I met his younger sister and middle brother, but only after we got married. his sister alissa is a such a sweet, quiet, docile woman who really looks up to and adores Levi. she used to stay near us while she studied law at nyu. his brother David is animated, quirky yet can be very serious, and is very kind as well. I probably didnt leave a good first impression because the three of us had been walking to a restaurant and this HUGE man and his huge ass fucking dog purposely bumped into me, in order to get by me. I don't think Ive ever gotten that angry at a stranger. I was actually in pain at how hard he smacked into me. I started cursing and Levi was shocked that I was being so loud/violent especially in front of his family member. I just said “did you see his fucking size? did he really need half the block just ti get past me?” in my head im thinking, its because im a small woman that he knows he can get away with it. and then Levi finally realized the gravity of the situation and said “should I go talk to him?” but the man had already walked away at this point. I calmed down at that point thinking, yes im gonna let my tiny husband fight this massive douche bag. I apologized to david and we just continued on.

I never got a chance to meet levi’s eldest brother, wife and youngest kids until I visited Israel (different post!) but I did meet hilly, their oldest daughter when she visited nyc with Levis parents. she's sweet, a bit of a rebel, maybe even hotheaded and insecure like the way I was when I was a teen. I enjoyed spending time with her and gifted her a bunch of lipsticks/glosses and a mascara from Sephora when we all had to say goodbye. I think she felt comfortable that I was younger because she opened up to me about her boyfriend, and told me to keep it a secret. I knew she liked me too because once Levi and I finally got married, she told him that she knew we were going to get married as soon as she met me.

even though I had a lot of luxuries as a child, I never truly experienced unconditional love without trauma or negativity. others may have it worse, but I had what I had. I've dealt with it and come away from it as a better person thanks to Levi. I feel happy to call them my family now, and that they accept me without hesitation despite me being muslim, or much younger. I still feel shy to talk to them on the WhatsApp group chat but im working on it!