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marlborodean · 4 years

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spn quotes: season one

i’m collecting a bunch of quotes from the show! favorite lines, good points of characterization, etc. all organized by episode and character, and with timestamps!

w/ncest shippers get lost

season two.

1. PILOT

Dean—

[Sam: So we kill everything we can find.] Save a lot of people doing it, too. (08:51)

I can’t do this alone. [Sam: Yes, you can.] Yeah. Well, I don’t want to. (09:30)

[Officer: So. Fake U.S. Marshal, fake credit cards. You got anything that’s real?] My boobs. (28:50)

Sam—

When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45. [Dean: What was he supposed to do?] I was 9 years old. He was supposed to say, “Don’t be afraid of the dark.” (08:30)

You think Mom would’ve wanted this for us? (08:58)

We were raised like warriors. (09:06)

[Dean: Are you just gonna live some normal, apple-pie life? Is that it?] No, not normal. Safe. [And that’s why you ran away.] I was just going to college. It was Dad who said if I was gonna go, I should stay gone. (09:09)

[Dean: You’re really serious about this, aren’t you? You think you’re just gonna become some lawyer, marry your girl?] Maybe. Why not? [Does Jessica know the truth about you? I mean, does she know about the things you’ve done?] No, and she’s not ever going to know. [Well, that’s healthy. You can pretend all you want, Sammy, but sooner or later you’re gonna have to face up to who you really are.] And who is that? [One of us.] No. I’m not like you. This is not going to be my life. (22:45)

If it weren’t for pictures, I wouldn’t even know what Mom looks like. What difference would it make? Even if we do find the thing that killed her, Mom’s gone, and she isn’t coming back. (23:17)

2. W*ND*G* ( x )

Dean—

Her brother’s missing, Sam. She’s not just gonna sit this out. (14:55)

[Hailey: And you’re hiking out in biker boots and jeans?] Well, sweetheart, I don’t do shorts. (15:54)

I’m supposed to be the belligerent one, remember? (25:13)

The way I see it, Dad’s given us a job to do, and I intend to do it. (26:31)

All that anger, you can’t keep it burning over the long haul. It’s gonna kill you. You gotta have patience, man. [Sam: How do you do it? How does Dad do it?] Well, for one, them. I mean, I figure our family’s so screwed to hell, maybe we can help some others. It makes things a little bit more bearable. And I’ll tell you what else helps. Killing as many evil sons of bitches as I possibly can. (27:05)

Sam—

[Dean: No, you’re not fine. You’re like a powder keg, man. It’s not like you.] (25:06)

3. DEAD IN THE WATER

Dean—

You don’t think I want to find Dad as much as you do? [Sam: Yeah, I know you do, it’s just—] I’m the one that’s been with him every single day for the past two years while you’ve been off to college going to pep rallies. We will find Dad, but until then, we’re gonna kill everything bad between here and there, okay? (04:09)

Well, maybe you don’t think anyone will listen to you, or... or believe you. I want you to know that I will. (11:58)

You’re scared. It’s okay. I understand. See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom, and I was scared, too. I didn’t feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom—I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that everyday. And I do my best to be brave. (20:14)

What if we missed something? What if more people get hurt? [Sam: But why would you think that?] Because Lucas was really scared. [That’s what this is about?] I just don’t want to leave town until I know the kid’s okay. (29:48)

Sam—

People don’t just disappear, Dean. Other people just stop looking for them. (03:51)

4. PHANTOM TRAVELER

Dean—

It’s your job to keep my ass alive, so I need you sharp. (05:18)

Sam—

[Dean: It’s your job to keep my ass alive, so I need you sharp.] (05:18)

[Jerry: Well, he was real proud of you, I could tell. You know, he talked about you all the time.] He did? (07:09)

Hey, hey, it’s just a little turbulence. [Sam, this place is going to crash, okay? So quit treating me like I’m friggin’ 4.] You need to calm down. [Well, I’m sorry, I can’t!] Yes, you can. [Dude. Stow the touchy-feely, self-help yoga crap. It’s not helping.] Listen, if you’re panicked, you’re wide open to demonic possession, so you need to calm yourself down right now. (30:26)

5. BLOODY MARY

Dean—

Do I look like Paris Hilton? (18:08)

Her boyfriend killing himself, that’s not really Charlie’s fault. (29:54)

Now listen to me. It wasn’t your fault. It you want to blame something, then blame the thing that killed her. Or, hell, why don’t you take a swing at me? I’m the one that dragged you away from her. [Sam: I don’t blame you.] Well, you shouldn’t blame yourself, because there’s nothing you could’ve done. (31:24)

Sam—

[Dean: Hell, why don’t you take a swing at me? I’m the one that dragged you away from her.] I don’t blame you. (31:37)

Charlie. Your boyfriend’s death, you really should try to forgive yourself. No matter what you did, you probably couldn’t have stopped it. Sometimes bad things just happen. (40:37)

6. SKIN

Dean—

He’s sure got issues with you. You got to go to college. He had to stay home. I mean, I had to stay home with Dad. You don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends, you could have a life. Me? I know I’m a freak. And sooner or later, everybody’s gonna leave me. [Sam: What are you talking about?] You left. Hell, I did everything Dad asked me to, and he ditched me, too. (24:21)

Sam—

[Rebecca: It must be lonely.] Oh, no. No, it’s not so bad. Anyway, what can I do? It’s my family. (39:02)

Misc—

Shifter: Evolution is about mutation, right? So maybe this thing was born human, but was different. Hideous and hated. Until he learned to become someone else. (27:14)

7. HOOK MAN

Dean—

I told you, you don’t have to be a college graduate to be a genius. (14:59)

[Sam: Hey, be quiet.] Me be quiet? You be quiet! (19:48)

Sam—

[Dean: You’ve been holding out on me. This college thing is awesome!] This wasn’t really my experience. [Let me guess—library, studying, straight A’s. What a geek.] (21:30)

8. BUGS

Dean—

Growing up in a place like this would freak me out. [Sam: Why?] The manicured lawns, how-was-your-day-honey? I’d blow my brains out. [There’s nothing wrong with normal.] I’d take our family over normal any day. (08:21)

[Sam: You’ll be able to get out of that house and away from your dad.] What kind of advice is that? Kid should stick with his family. (20:26)

Hey, so with that kid back there, how could you tell him to just ditch his family like that? [Sam: Just, uh, I know what the kid’s going through.] How about telling him to respect his old man? How’s that for advice? (23:20)

Matt, under no circumstances are you to tell the truth. He’ll just think you’re nuts. Tell him you have a sharp pain in your right side and you gotta go to the hospital, okay? [Matt: Yeah, okay.] Make him listen? What are you thinking? (32:44)

Sam—

Remind you of somebody? Dad? [Dean: Dad never treated us like that.] Well, Dad never treated you like that. You were perfect. He was all over my case. ...You don’t remember. [Dean: Well, maybe he had to raise his voice but sometimes you were out of line.] Right. Right, like when I said I’d rather play soccer than learn bowhunting. (11:46)

[Matt: Larry doesn’t listen to me.] Why not? [Mostly? He’s too disappointed in his freak son.] I hear ya. [Dean: You do?] Matt, how old are you? [Matt: Sixteen.] Well, don’t sweat it, ‘cause in two years something great’s gonna happen. [What?] College. You’ll be able to get out of that house and away from your dad. (20:04)

[Dean: Hey, so with that kid back there, how could you tell him to just ditch his family like that?] Just, uh, I know what the kid’s going through. [How about telling him to respect his old man? How’s that for advice?] Dean, come on. This isn’t about his old man. You think I didn’t respect Dad, that’s what this is about. [Just forget it, alright? Sorry I brought it up.] I respected him. But no matter what I did, it was never good enough. [So what are you saying, that Dad was disappointed in you?] Was? Is! Always has been. [Why would you think that?] Because I didn’t wanna bowhunt or hustle pool, because I wanted to go to school and live my life, which to our whacked-out family, made me the freak. (23:20)

Dean, you know what most dads are when their kids score a full-ride? Proud. Most dads don’t toss their kids out of the house. [Dean: I remember that fight. In fact, I seem to recall a few choice phrases coming out of your mouth.] You know, truth is, when we finally do find Dad, I don’t know if he’s even gonna wanna see me. (24:05)

9. HOME

Dean—

And then you tell me that I’ve got to go back home, especially when... [Sam: When what?] When I swore to myself that I would never go back there. (07:56)

I remember the fire, the heat. Then I carried you out the front door. [Sam: You did?] Yeah, well, you never knew that? [No.] (12:38)

I don’t know what to do. So, whatever you’re doing. if you could get here... please. I need your help, Dad. (14:45)

Sam—

[Dean: I remember the fire, the heat. Then I carried you out the front door.] You did? [Yeah, well, you never knew that?] No. (12:38)

Misc—

Missouri: All those years ago, real evil came to you. It walked this house. That kind of evil leaves wounds, and sometimes wounds get infected. (27:15)

10. ASYLUM

Dean—

[Sam: This is a job. Dad wants us to work a job.] Yeah, well, maybe we’ll meet up with him. Maybe he’s there. [Maybe he’s not. I mean, he could be sending us there by ourselves to hunt this thing.] Who cares? If he wants us there, it’s good enough for me. [This doesn’t strike you as weird? The texting, the coordinates?] Sam. Dad’s telling us to go somewhere. We’re going. (07:05)

[Sam: We deserve some answers. I mean, this is our family we’re talking about.] I understand that, Sam, but he’s given us an order. [So what, we gotta always follow Dad’s order?] Of course we do. (12:17)

[Sam: I mean, why are we even here? ‘Cause you’re following Dad’s orders like a good little soldier? ‘Cause you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval?] (36:52)

Sam—

[Dean: We’ve got to burn Ellicott’s bones, and all this will be over, and you’ll be back to normal.] I am normal. I’m just telling you the truth for the first time. I mean, why are we even here? ‘Cause you’re following Dad’s orders like a good little soldier? ‘Cause you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval? [This isn’t you talking.] That’s the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I’m not pathetic like you. [So what are you gonna do? You gonna kill me?] You know, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. (36:43)

11. SCARECROW

Dean—

[Sam: I don’t understand the blind faith you have in the man. I mean, it’s like you don’t even question him.] Yeah, it’s called being a good son. You’re a selfish bastard, you know that? You just do whatever you want. You don’t care what anyone thinks. (08:08)

[Sam: You know, if you’re hinting you need my help, just ask.] I’m not hinting anything. Actually, uh... I want you to know... I mean, don’t think... [Yeah. I’m sorry, too.] Sam.... You were right. You got to do your own thing. You got to live your own life. [You serious?] You’ve always known what you want, and you go after it. You stand up to Dad. I mean, you always have. Hell, I wish I.... Anyway. I admire that about you. I’m proud of you, Sammy. [I don’t even know what to say.] Say you’ll take care of yourself. (25:04)

Sam—

[Dean: Dad doesn’t want our help.] I don’t care. [He’s given us an order.] I don’t care. We don’t always have to do what he says. [Sam, Dad is asking us to work jobs, to save lives. It’s important.] Alright, I understand. Believe me, I understand. But I’m talking one week here, man, to get answers. To get revenge. [Alright, look, I know how you feel.] Do you? How old were you when Mom died, 4? Jess died six months ago. How the hell would you know how I feel? (07:25)

[Meg: I had to get away from my family.] Why? [I love my parents. And they wanted what’s best for me. They just didn’t care if I wanted it. I was supposed to be smart, but not smart enough to scare away a husband. Well, it’s just.... Because my family said so, I’m supposed to sit there and do what I was told. So I just went on my own way instead. ...I’m sorry. The things you say to people you hardly know.] No, no, it’s okay. I know how you feel. Remember that brother I mentioned before that I was road-tripping with? It’s kind of the same deal. [And that’s why you’re not riding with him anymore? ...Here’s to us. The food might be bad, and the beds might be hard, but at least we’re living our own lives and nobody else’s.] (21:11)

[Med: You’re running back to your brother? The guy you ran away from? Why, because he won’t pick up his phone? Sam, come with me to California.] I can’t. I’m sorry. [Why not?] He’s my family. (31:13)

12. FAITH

Dean—

Looks like you’re gonna leave town without me. [Sam: What are you talking about? I’m not gonna leave you here.] You better take care of that car. I swear I’ll haunt your ass. [I don’t think that’s funny.] Oh, come on, it’s a little funny. (04:44)

[Sam: Maybe it’s time to have a little faith, Dean.] You know what I got faith in? Reality—knowing what’s really going on. [How can you be a skeptic, with the things we see every day?] Exactly, we see them. We know they’re real. [But if you know evil’s out there, how can you not believe good’s out there too?] ‘Cause I’ve seen what evil does to good people. (08:10)

[Roy: I looked into your heart and you just...stood out from all the rest.] What did you see in my heart? [A young man with an important purpose. A job to do. And it isn’t finished.] (15:27)

You never should’ve brought me here. [Sam: Dean, I was just trying to save your life.] Sam, some guy is dead now because of me. (19:30)

The guy is playing God, deciding who lives and dies. That’s a monster in my book. (22:42)

[Layla: I wish you luck. I really do.] Same to you. You deserve it a lot more than me. (30:38)

[Sam: To cross a line like that, that preacher’s wife—black magic, murder. Evil.] Desperate. Her husband was dying. She would’ve done anything to save him. (31:35)

God save us from half the people who think they’re doing God’s work. (32:04)

[Sam: What’s happening to her is horrible. But what are you gonna do? Let somebody else die to save her? You said it yourself, Dean—you can’t play God.] (32:58)

Must be rough, to believe in something so much and have it disappoint you like that. (40:57)

You know, I’m not much of the praying type, but I’m gonna pray for you. [Layla: Well. There’s a miracle right there.] (42:00)

Sam—

[Dean: I’m gonna die. And you can’t stop it.] Watch me. (05:23)

[Dean: You’re not gonna let me die in peace, are you?] I’m not gonna let you die, period. (07:04)

How can you be a skeptic, with the things we see everyday? [Dean: Exactly, we see them. We know they’re real.] If you know evil’s out there, how can you not believe good’s out there too? (08:18)

[The guy is playing God, deciding who lives and dies. That’s a monster in my book.] No, we’re not gonna kill a human being, Dean. We do that, we’re no better than he is. (22:42)

Misc—

Layla: I guess if you’re gonna have faith, you can’t just have it when the miracles happen. You have to have it when they don’t. (41:19)

13. ROUTE 666

Dean—

[Sam: Look man, everybody’s got to open up to someone sometime.] Yeah, I don’t. It was stupid to get that close. (13:06)

[Cassie: Whenever we get—what’s the word?—close? Anywhere in the neighborhood of emotional vulnerability, you back off or make some joke or find any way to shut the door on me.] (15:19)

Sam—

You told her. You told her the secret. Our big family rule number one—we do what we do and we shut up about it. For a year and a half, I do nothing but lie to Jessica, and you go out with this chick in Ohio a couple of times, and you tell her everything? (04:18)

Oh, my life was so simple. Just school, exams, papers on polycentric cultural norms. [Dean: So I guess I saved you from a boring existence.] Occasionally I miss boring. [So, this killer truck—] I miss conversations that didn’t start with “this killer truck.” (29:31)

Ever make you wonder if it’s worth it? Putting everything on hold, doing what we do? (39:10)

14. NIGHTMARE

Dean—

[Sam: Well, with what he went through, the beatings, to want revenge on those people—I’m sorry, man. I hate to say it, but it’s not that insane.] Yeah, but it doesn’t justify murdering your entire family. [Dean—] He’s no different than anything else we’ve hunted. Alright? We gotta end him. [We’re not gonna kill Max.] Then what? Hand him over to the cops and say, “Lock him up, officer. He kills people with the power of his mind.” [Forget it. No way, man.] Sam— [Dean, he’s a person. We can talk to him. Hey, promise me you’ll follow my lead on this one.] Alright, fine. But I’m not letting him hurt anybody else. (25:01)

[Sam: We’re lucky we had Dad.] I never thought I’d hear you say that. [Well, it could have gone a whole ‘nother way after Mom. A little more tequila, a little less demon hunting, then we would have had Max’s childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay. Thanks to him.] All things considered. (38:27)

As long as I’m around, nothing bad’s gonna happen to you. (41:27)

Sam—

Well, I know one thing I have in common with these people. [Dean: What’s that?] Both our families are cursed. [Our family’s not cursed. We’ve just... had our dark spots.] Our dark spots are pretty dark. (19:13)

I was connecting to Max. The thing I don’t get it why, man. I guess because we’re so alike? [Dean: What are you talking about? Dude’s nothing like you.] Well, we both have psychic abilities. We’re both— [Both what? Sam, Max is a monster. He’s already killed two people, now he’s gunning for a third.] Well, with what he went through, the beatings, to want revenge on those people—I’m sorry, man. I hate to say it, but it’s not that insane. (24:43)

If I just said something else, gotten through to him somehow. [Dean: Don’t do that.] Do what? [Torture yourself. It wouldn’t have mattered what you said. Max was too far gone.] When I think about how he looked at me, man, right before.... I should have done something. [Come on, man, you risked your life. I mean, yeah, maybe if we’d have gotten there 20 years earlier.] Well, I’ll tell you one thing. We’re lucky we had Dad. [I never thought I’d hear you say that.] Well, it could have gone a whole ‘nother way after Mom. A little more tequila, a little less demon hunting, then we would have had Max’s childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay. Thanks to him. (38:03)

15. THE BENDERS

Dean—

Look... he’s family. And I kind of—I kind of look out for the kid. You gotta let me go with you. [Kathleen: I’m sorry, I can’t do that.] Well, tell me something. Your country has its fair share of missing persons. Any of ‘em come back? Sam’s my responsibility, and he’s coming back. I’m bringing him back. (08:56)

When we were young, I pretty much pulled him from a fire. And ever since then, I’ve felt responsible for him. You know, like it’s my job to keep him safe. I’m just afraid if we don’t find him fast.... Please. He’s my family. (15:04)

Demons, I get. People are crazy. (28:08)

If you hurt my brother, I’ll kill you, I swear. I’ll kill you all. I will kill you all! (35:54)

16. SHADOW

Dean—

[Sam: What are you gonna do when it’s all over?] It’s never gonna be over. There’s gonna be others. There’s always gonna be something to hunt. [But there’s got to be something that you want for yourself.] Yeah, I don’t want you to leave the second this thing’s over, Sam. [Dude. What’s your problem?] Why do you think I drag you everywhere, huh? Why do you think I came and got you at Stanford in the first place? [’Cause Dad was in trouble. ‘Cause you wanted to find the thing that killed Mom.] Yes, that, but it’s more than that, man. You and me and Dad. I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again. [Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before.] They could be. (24:04)

Sam—

What if this whole thing was over tonight? Man, I’d sleep for a month. Go back to school, just be a person again. (23:42)

Dean, we are a family. I’d do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before. [Dean: They could be.] I don’t want them to be. I’m not gonna live this life forever. Dean, when this is all over, you’re gonna have to let me go my own way. (25:02)

Misc—

[Sam: Go to hell.] Meg: Baby, I’m already there. (30:22)

17. HELL HOUSE

Dean—

People believe in Santa Clause. How come I’m not getting hooked up every Christmas? [Sam: ‘Cause you’re a bad person.] (27:01)

Sam—

Man, we’re not kids anymore, Dean. We’re not gonna start that crap up again. [Dean: Start what up?] That prank stuff. It’s stupid, and it always escalates. (04:24)

Kind of makes you wonder—of all the things we hunted, how many existed just ‘cause people believed in them? (37:17)

18. SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

Dean—

[Sam: What makes you so sure?] Well, because I’m the oldest, which means I’m always right. [No it doesn’t.] It totally does. (03:38)

Listen to me. I can promise you that this is not your fault, okay? [Michael: It’s my job to look after him.] (20:53)

I know how you feel, I’m a big brother, too. But you got to go easy on your mom right now, okay? (21:24)

Dad did not send me here to walk away. [Sam: Send you here? He didn’t send you here, he sent us here.] This isn’t about you, Sam, alright? I’m the one that screwed up. It’s my fault. There’s no telling how many kids have gotten hurt because of me. (25:35)

Dad never spoke about it again. I didn’t ask. But he, uh... he looked at me different, you know, which was worse. Not that I blame him. He gave me an order, and I didn’t listen, and I almost got you killed. [Sam: You were just a kid.] Don’t—don’t. Dad knew this was unfinished business for me. He sent me here to finish it. (29:26)

Are you sure you want to do this? You don’t have to. It’s okay, I won’t be mad. (33:57)

[Sam: Sometimes I wish that...] What? [I wish I could have that kind of innocence.] If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too. (40:05)

Sam—

Dean, I’m sorry. [Dean: For what?] You know. I’ve really given you a lot of crap for always following Dad’s orders, but I know why you do it. (34:39)

Sometimes I wish that... [Dean: What?] I wish I could have that kind of innocence. [If it means anything, sometimes I wish you could, too.] (40:05)

19. PROVENANCE

Dean—

I’m sure that this is about Jessica, right? Now, I don’t know what it’s like to lose somebody like that, but... I would think that she would want you to be happy. God forbid have fun once in a while. (20:47)

Sam—

I had a girlfriend. And she died. And my mom died, too. I don’t know, it’s like... it’s like I’m cursed or something. Like death just follows me around. Look, I’m not scared of much, but if I let myself have feelings for anybody— [Sarah: You’re scared they get hurt, too.] (30:39)

Misc—

Sarah: I know, losing somebody you love—it’s terrible. You shut yourself off. Believe me, I know. But when you shut out pain, you shut out everything else, too. (31:27)

20. DEAD MAN’S BLOOD

Dean—

He does what he does for a reason. [Sam: What reason?] Our job. There’s no time to argue. There’s no margin for error, alright? It’s just the way the old man runs things. [Yeah, well, maybe that worked when we were kids, but not anymore, alright? Not after everything you and I have been through, Dean. I mean, are you telling me you’re cool with just falling into line and letting him run the whole show?] If that’s what it takes. (14:51)

Sam—

I’m happy he’s okay, alright? I’m happy that we’re all working together. [Dean: Good.] It’s just the way he treats us like children. [Oh, God.] He barks orders at us, Dean. He expects us to follow him without question. He keeps us on some crap need-to-know deal. [He does what he does for a reason.] What reason? [Our job. There’s no time to argue. There’s no margin for error, alright? It’s just the way the old man runs things.] Yeah, well, maybe that worked when we were kids, but not anymore, alright? Not after everything you and I have been through, Dean. I mean, are you telling me you’re cool with just falling into line and letting him run the whole show? (14:51)

[John: You left. Your brother and me, we needed you. You walked away, Sam. You walked away!] You’re the one who said “Don’t come back,” Dad. You’re the one who closed that door, not me! You were just pissed off that you couldn’t control me anymore! (19:27)

[John: Sammy, it never occurred to me what you wanted. I just couldn’t accept the fact that you and me, we’re just different.] We’re not different. Not anymore. With what happened to Mom and Jess, we probably have a lot more in common than just about anyone. (29:20)

Misc—

John: This is never the life that I wanted for you. [Sam: Then why’d you get so mad when I left?] You got to understand something. After your mother passed, all I saw was evil, everywhere. And all I cared about was keeping you boys alive. I wanted you prepared, ready. So somewhere along the line, I stopped being your father. I became your drill sergeant. So when you said that you wanted to go away to school, all I could think about, my only thought was that you were gonna be alone, vulnerable. (28:21)

21. SALVATION

Dean—

For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault. [Sam: Yeah, you’re right, it’s not my fault, but it’s my problem!] No, it’s not your problem, it’s our problem! (05:42)

You’re just willing to sacrifice yourself, is that it? [Sam: Yeah. Yeah, you’re damn right I am.] Yeah, well, that’s not gonna happen—not as long as I’m around. [What the hell are you talking about, Dean? We’ve been searching for this demon our whole lives. It’s the only thing we’ve ever cared abut.] Sam, I want to waste it, I do, okay? But it’s not worth dying over. [What?] I mean it. If hunting this demon means you getting yourself killed, then I hope we never find the damn thing. [That thing killed Jess. That thing killed Mom,] You said yourself once that no matter what we do, they’re gone. And they’re never coming back. [Don’t you say that! Don’t you—not after all this, don’t you say that.] Sam, look. The three of us, that’s all we have. And it’s all I have. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together, man. Without you or Dad.... (37:51)

Sam—

So Mom’s death, Jessica—it’s all because of me? [Dean: We don’t know that, Sam.] Oh really? ‘Cause I’d say we’re pretty damn sure, Dean! [For the last time, what happened to them is not your fault.] Yeah, you’re right, it’s not my fault, but it’s my problem! (05:34)

Misc—

John: I want to stop losing people we love. I want you to go to school. I want Dean to have a home. I want Mary alive. I just want this to be over. (21:10)

22. DEVIL’S TRAP

Dean—

You know that guy I shot? There was a person in there. [Sam: You didn’t have a choice, Dean.] I know. That’s not what bothers me. [Then what does?] Killing that guy, killing Meg... I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t even flinch. For you or Dad, the things I’m willing to do or kill, it’s just... it scares me sometimes. [Azazel!John: It shouldn’t. You did good.] You’re not mad? [For what?] Using a bullet. [Mad? I’m proud of you. You know, Sam and I, we can get pretty obsessed. But you, you watch out for this family. You always have.] (29:41)

Listen, you mind just getting this over with, huh? ‘Cause I really can’t stand the monologuing. [Azazel: Funny, but that’s all part of your M.O., isn’t it? Mask all that nasty pain, mask the truth.] Oh yeah? What’s that? [You know, you fight and you fight for this family, but the truth is, they don’t need you. Not like you need them. Sam—he’s clearly John’s favorite. Even when they fight, it’s more concern than he’s ever shown you.] (36:52)

Sam—

[Dean: Well, you and Dad are a lot more alike than I thought, you know that? You both can’t wait to sacrifice yourself for this thing. But you know what? I’m gonna be the one to bury you. You’re selfish, you know that? You don’t care about anything but revenge.] (19:24)

Misc—

Azazel: He’s gonna tear you apart. He’s gonna taste the iron in your blood. [Dean: Let him go, or I swear to God—] What? What are you and God gonna do? (35:09)

#finally posting this 😜#tagging the ppl who said they'd be interested!!#lukeskysaunter #ijaazat #let me know if you want to be removed from/added to the tag list for future posts like this :)#spn #supernatural #ej.pdf #dean winchester #sam winchester #spn season 1 #spn season one #spn quotes

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a-gorgeous-george · 3 years

Photo

Basic Questions

First name? Georgette

Surname? Foxworth

Middle names? Luciana

Nicknames? Gigi (by her mother)

Date of birth? August 7th

Age? 22

Physical / Appearance

Type of clothes?

Georgette’s style is all about femineity and luxury. She wears a lot of dresses, a lot of skirts, but even her workout clothes are designer. She swears “cheap” clothes give her a rash – and who would want to mar her perfect skin like that.

How do they wear their clothes? Tight and tailored.

What are their feet like? (type of shoes, state of shoes, socks, feet, pristine, dirty, worn, etc)

Georgette is rarely seen without heels on, and thanks to regular pedicures and lack of abuse, her feet are soft and pretty always.

Race / Ethnicity? Spanish and Indonesian

Are they in good health? Oh yes, she has a strict workout schedule and diet she sticks to… well, actually, perhaps not, because alongside that she also lives a life of high stress and nicotine.

Personality

Are they more optimistic or pessimistic?

It really depends on the source of power in a situation. If it is something she has control over, she is optimistic, can’t see how something would ever not work out, but if someone else is in control, her view changes considerably and she is usually fairly certain it will fail.

Do they ever put on airs?

When is she not putting on airs?

What bad habits do they have? She has a serious nicotine problem.

What makes them laugh out loud?

She isn’t really a laugh out loud type of person. She might chuckle or smile in amusement, but laughing out loud indicates a level of ease that she just does not feel around people. Also Al.

How do they display affection?

She is very physically affectionate… I think. She has never been in a position where she felt comfortable being affectionate with a person in that way. Besides that, she shares her wealth in ways that benefit that people she cares about, shares her privilege with them. She is happy to be her friends’ sugar mama.

How do they want to be seen by others? Beautiful and in control.

How do they see themselves?

She very much sees herself as a lone wolf. She knows she’s beautiful, smart, capable, hardworking, but she’s alone and absolutely terrified someone will recognize it. She is also very much aware of her inner rage.

· How are they seen by others?

Because of her past with her family and the lack of ties it provided her, Georgette was left defending herself. Her arrogance and obsessive need to believe in her own importance is directly tied to the lack of importance anyone else gave her.

Strongest character trait?

For all her bravado and arrogance, Georgette is 100% unafraid of hard work. From her work on her blog and marketing it, her history as a beauty queen, her strict adherence to her diet and exercise routine, every aspect of her life, she has no issue knuckling down and putting in the time and effort to succeed.

Weakest character trait?

She is incapable of asking for help, as if it somehow undermines her own achievements if someone else must assist her.

How competitive are they?

Extremely. If you want to manipulate Georgette into doing something, make it a contest. She’ll probably even know what you’re doing and still be unable to resist.

Do they make snap judgements or take time to consider?

Snap judgements all the way, baby!!

How do they react to praise?

Smug agreement.

How do they react to criticism?

Strong commitment to your character’s delusion that she is anything other than amazing.

What is their greatest fear?

Dying without ever achieving anything of substance.

What are their biggest secrets?

Georgette is crushingly lonely. Her whole life has been spent pushing people away, trying to protect herself and prove herself, full of anger, and it has left her without anyone she can be close to.

What will they stand up for?

Once her blog is up and running and successful, once the magazine starts to take off, she will have real issues with people saying she’s self-made. She is fully aware that even without her father’s money, her name alone carries a certain currency most people do not have. She is well aware of her own privilege in that area and will stand up against anyone who compares her achievements against someone who didn’t have that head start.

Who do they quote?

She’s a closet book nerd and might not quote directly but will frequently make allusions to literature.

Are they indoorsy or outdoorsy? Indoorsy.

What is their sinful little habit? Cigarettes.

What sense do they most rely on?

Sight – how someone/something looks dictates more of her life than it should.

How do they treat people better than them?

What people better than them?

How do they treat people worse than them?

That seems like an unfair question when everyone is worse than them.

What quality do they most value in a friend? She wouldn’t know.

What do they consider an overrated virtue? Niceness.

If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

She would have people who cared about her.

What is their obsession? Herself?

Friends and Family

Is their family big or small? Who does it consist of?

Her mother and stepfather, father and stepmother, Jenny and Oliver (Yes, she considers Oliver as part of her family)

What is their perception of family?

When she was barely cognizant of life, her father had an affair, had a baby, split up her family, quickly destroying the idea in her head. It is an outdated concept made to make people feel like belong to a group, no loyalty or love.

Describe their best friend.

………. Let me get her just a friend first.

Ideal best friend?

Someone who understands her hustle. Someone she can see the inherent importance in. Someone that can still pull her out of her head and get her to have fun.

Describe their acquaintances.

She is jealous of the closeness of Dodger’s gang, watching as an outsider and wishing desperately to be a part of it all.

Do they have any pets?

She is a massive dog person! (Get it?) But yes, she has a little doggo, Valentina.

Past and Future

What was your character like as a baby? As a child?

Awful? Spoiled? She was raised spoiled, but after her father’s betrayal, she sought to teach him a lesson. Even as a child, she would blackmail and torture him, threatening to reveal his dirty secret to the world. She was worse to Jenny even, more easily able to take out her anger over the affair and her birth on the younger girl than the truly guilty adults.

Did they grow up nurtured or neglected?

Neglected – but that is partly her own fault. She is as much at fault due to her reaction and actively hurting her family and her father. She lashed out and did truly awful things and crushed what bond there might have possibly been.

What is the most offensive thing they ever said?

Oh, I don’t know… in my head, I feel like she can be a very problematic person. Add that in with her natural meanness, I am sure she has said some awful stuff.

What was their first kiss like?

It was awful. Some other 7th grader when she was in 7th grade. Too wet. Thought he was trying to drown her.

What is the worst thing they did to someone they loved?

Repeatedly blackmailing her father for her own benefit.

What are their ambitions?

She wants to outshine her father, claim their last name as her own and not the sullied version her father left in the wake of his controversy. That is why her blog and future magazine is named after her.

What advice would they give their younger self? It’s not Jenny’s fault.

What smells remind them of their childhood? Perfume and peppermints.

What was their childhood ambition?

Growing up, her mind stayed on the pageant world. Her ambitions usually stayed just one pageant ahead of her.

What is their best childhood memory?

She doesn’t know if it’s real or not, just this soft memory of her father grinning and spinning around the living room with her, dressed in his coat and tails.

What is their worst childhood memory?

Listening in from the hall as his father confessed everything to her mother, hearing her mother sobbing as he threw clothes into a suitcase.

When was the last time they were crushed with disappointment?

The last one? She still hasn’t got over her first one.

Love

Do they believe in love at first sight?

She only barely believes in love in any form.

· How do they behave in a relationship?

Georgette really doesn’t do relationships, thanks to that whole “love isn’t real” thing. They usually last a month or so, but she gets bored and has no issue telling him to get lost after that point.

When did you character last have sex? Perhaps a couple weeks ago.

What sort of sex do they have?

She is looking for something hot, passionate, and with someone she doesn’t have to worry about calling back.

Conflict

How do they respond to a threat?

Georgette doesn’t back down from a threat, though her means for fighting usually involves $$$ instead of doing any sort of fighting herself.

Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? Tongue.

What is your character’s kryptonite? Point out her lack of backup.

If your character could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be? Say it with me… diamonds.

How do they perceive strangers?

Her trust or lack of trust in them is based solely on how they look.

What do they love to hate? Oh, that is way too long a list to put here.

What are their phobias? Bugs of any sort.

What is their choice of weapon? Poison.

What living person do they most despise? Her father.

Have they ever been bullied or teased? That would not go well for that person.

Where do they go when they’re angry? Home, to seethe and plot.

Work, Education and Hobbies

What is their current job? Blogger.

What do they think about their current job?

She has dreams of something bigger, more substantial, but she’s thankful for the success the gossip blog has had and excited to grow it.

What are their hobbies? Painting, reading, dancing.

Educational background? Some college.

Intelligence level?

I believe she is fairly smart, but her work ethic covers a lot of distance for her.

Favorites

What is their favorite animal? Doggies.

What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen? Her face in the mirror.

What is their favorite song? Ego by Beyonce

Music, art, reading preferred? Ooooooh… probably reading

What is their favorite color? Gold

What is their password?

Honestly it is probably a secure combination of letters put together by a professional.

Favorite food: Lasagna

What is their favorite work of art? Judith and the Head of Holofornes

Who is their favorite artist? Gustav Klimt

What is their favorite day of the week? Saturday

Possessions

What is in their fridge? A lot of water, veggies, meal prepped chicken

What is on their bedside table? The current book she is reading, a bouquet of pink and white roses, a gold lamp, a rose gold silk eye mask

Spirituality

Who or what is your character’s guardian angel?

If she has a guardian angel, she would really like a word with it.

Do they believe in the afterlife? I mean, she now knows Hades, so yeah

What are their religious �� views?

Once you meet a god, you kinda realize which system of beliefs is the right one

· How would they like to die? Painless and pretty

What is their zodiac sign? Leo

Values

What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? Abandonment

What is their view of ‘freedom’?

Able to make your way through life on your own two feet without having to rely on anyone else to support you.

When did they last lie? Probably an hour ago

What’s their view of lying? It definitely can make things easier.

When did they last make a promise?

She doesn’t really bother. You either do things or you don’t. The rest is just extra words.

Daily life

What are their eating habits? Healthy food prepared by a chef.

Describe their home.

Luxurious home in a gated community bought by her father.

Are they minimalist or a clutter hoarder? Minimalist.

What do they do first thing on a weekday morning? Drink a glass of cold water.

What do they do on a Sunday afternoon?

She can be found putting the finishing touches on her blog post for the week.

What do they do on a Friday night?

She can just as easily be found out dancing as home alone working.

What is the soft drink of choice? She doesn’t drink soda.

What is their alcoholic drink of choice? Merlot.

Miscellaneous

What or who would your character dress up as for Halloween? Anything sexy.

Are they comfortable with technology? She can do basic things.

If they could save one person, who would it be? Jenny.

If they could call one person for help, who would it be? Over her dead body.

What is their greatest extravagance? Jewelry

What is their perception of redemption? She hopes it’s real.

What would they do if they won the lottery? It would change her life 0%.

What is their favourite fairytale?

She isn’t really big on fairytales, but definitely prefers the darker original versions. So much more realistic than that happily ever after in love bullshit.

Do they believe in happy endings?

She believes in the ability of a person to make their own damn happy ending.

What is their idea of perfect happiness?

Surrounded by a family that loves her

If your character could travel through time, where would they go?

She has it on good authority that life gets more uncivilized the farther back you go, so she’s good, thanks.

If they could have a superpower, what would they choose?

Full on mind control. She’ll make you do what she wants and feel no guilt.

#watasks #{beauty for the beholder}

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justasparkwritings · 4 years

Text

Illicit Affairs: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 2

Previous: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 1

Pairings: Namjoon & Reader

Genre: Angst, Slice of Life

Ratings: PG15

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Therapy and Swearing, Mentions of Past Abuse

Summary: Namjoon and Jungkook sit down with Dr. Aarons.

Listen: illicit affairs by Taylor Swift

“What did she say?” You ask, Namjoon’s head resting gently in your lap, shoes tossed to the side, spread across the queen-sized mattress of Namjoon’s rental.

“That there’s a difference between Kookie hating me because I lied to him, and JK hating me because I destroyed his life,”

“Interesting, what else?” Your fingers move gently through his locks, recently cut and easy to comb through, the gesture is calming, even if that sensation is only fleeting.

“She said I’m the messenger, and he’s shooting me when he means to be shooting Big Hit,”

“Oo, I like that,” You agree.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, because, it doesn’t absolve you, right? But it explains the torture and torment they put you through too,” Your eyes maneuver over his features, the slope of his nose, the blossom of his cheeks, all honeyed and delicate under the weight of vulnerability.

“I delivered all the messages though,” Namjoon shifts, head digging deeper into the pillow on your thighs.

“Yeah, but can you blame someone when they’ve got a gun to their head?”

He pauses at your words, “I guess not.”

“Right, so maybe, just maybe, you’re not fully culpable.”

“But what I did,” He starts, his mind moving to relegate his actions instead of voicing his contemplations.

“Only Jungkook can forgive you for that,” You remind him.

“I don’t know if he will,”

“Has he ever held a grudge?” You counter, the self-pity beginning to wear on you.

“No,”

“He loves you, and you love him. This is going to be hard, but we knew that, didn’t we?”

He closes his eyes, “Yeah, we did.”

“You’re going to work for your relationship with him. You always have,” You remind him.

“I betrayed him,”

“Yes, you did, but didn’t Bang betray you?”

“How can you, why do you,” Namjoon stutters.

“What?” You ask.

“Why do you love me, when you know all the horrible things I’ve done?”

You pause your ministrations on his scalp, fingers stopping mid rake. He’s never asked, never inquired. Honestly, you wondered if he didn’t ask out of fear. Fear he’d hate your answer. Fear you’d leave him if he pushed too hard. Fear that the only reason you’d stayed together was because you hadn’t asked yourself that very question.

“You don’t have to answer,” He says, sitting up. He tucks his legs underneath himself and glances at you. “You don’t,”

“Joon bug,” You start. “I do have to answer it,”

“Not if you don’t want to, not if you don’t, if you haven’t thought about it,” He shakes his head.

“I have,”

“You have?”

“Of course, I have. I just,” You sigh. “I love you.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes. You’ve always given me the best of you, no matter how insolent I’ve been. No matter how far gone you feel like you are, standing on that ledge, you’ve never hesitated to give me everything. I just feel like, you owe it to yourself to give you the best of you,”

“Did you just quote-

“Yes, okay? Yes, I did, but it’s true, Joon. I love you, I guess, in spite of everything you’ve done because I can tell that it wasn’t your intentions, your decisions, you are not what Bang and Sejin have made you out to be. You aren’t, you aren’t that man at all,” You shift on the bed, kneeling in front of him, hands cradling his moisten cheeks in yours. “I’ve always loved you, every part of you, every secret and lie, every scar, every missed note, every attempt to redeem yourself, every failed apology… they’re all a part of you, Kim Namjoon. I love them all.”

“I’m having a hard time focusing when you just quoted my lyrics to me.”

“Fuck you then,” You laugh before placing your lips on his.

“I love you,” He says, eyes still closed, lips hovering above yours.

“You got me,” You sing softly, lips gently caressing his cheeks, his forehead, his nose.

“Nan neoreul bomyeo sumeul shwieo,” He answers.

“I got you,”

“Chireuk gatdeon bamdeul soge,” He finishes, lips hungrily finding yours again.

~~~~~

“Let’s begin by discussing your first impressions of one another,” Dr. Aarons suggests. She sips quietly on her coffee, freshly brewed to her specifications. The sun is blocked by a tan window covering, an attempt at creating a cohesive design throughout the treatment center but in this lighting, looks more like a hospital than a posh therapists office.

“Namjoon, you can start,” Jungkook says.

“I remember his talent, the fear in his eyes, the joy he had performing. He was so little. I was concerned that he was too young, I thought I was too young. He was just, malleable, willing to please, unsure where his next footing was,” Namjoon says. He’s thought about it a lot, what about Jungkook struck him? Why did he need him on the team?

“When he sang, you could hear the emotion, the raw talent. It was stunning. I took him under my wing early on because he didn’t know if he wanted to stick with it.”

“Jungkook, why did you doubt?” Dr. Aarons inquires.

“They wanted to make me the center, I was just a kid from Busan, and they just, picked me,” Jungkook balls his fists under the weight of his long sleeved shirt, an attempt at making himself as small as possible.

Dr. Aarons surveys Jungkook, noting his change in body language. “Namjoon, do you remember that discussion?”

“Yes, we wanted-

“We?” Dr. Aarons interjects.

“Management and I,”

“Okay, thank you,” She scribbles in her notebook. She’s procured a new notebook for the two men, no longer the purple for Jungkook, but a marbled hard cover book with lined pages and little quotes on the bottom near the page numbers. She’s on the second or third page, scribbling away as the men talk.

“We wanted someone to be the center, not just in the lineup, but someone to guide the music or build our sound from.”

“There are seven of you total, why Jungkook?”

“He’s versatile, his voice hadn’t stopped changing, but it had range, he already could dance any style, he just, he has something special, you know?”

“Not Jimin or Taehyung?”

“Taehyung’s natural tone is so low, Jimin’s voice has this crisp once in a generation reverberation in each note he sings. It’s angelic, but Jungkook can do it all,” Namjoon answers.

“Ah, so out of the seven, he can easily meld into any position,” Dr. Aarons writes furiously, the sound of her pen scraping the page the only sound echoing in the room.

“Yes, even at 14, he could,”

“He became the center, literally and figuratively,”

Namjoon sips his water before answering. “Mm, we could train him to be a leader, train him to be dance captain or vocal leader,”

“Jimin’s the vocal leader,” Jungkook says. “He guides us all, he’s the one, not me.”

“If we’re really being honest, Hoseok holds us together,”

“You, Hobi and Jimin for sure,” Jungkook nods.

“Jungkook, will you share your first impressions of Namjoon?”

“I looked up to him, from the beginning. He’s always been honest, honorable, and just, his talent is greater than anything I’ve seen. All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me.”

“What’s that Kendrick lyric? Loves gonna get you killed / but pride’s gonna be the death of you and me,” Namjoon says.

“I wanted you to think something of me, to see me, to recognize me as a person worthy of your attention. You made BTS what it is, your leadership. I wanted to prove myself to you, always have,” Jungkook tells him.

“Prove yourself to Namjoon, to Big Hit or to yourself?”

“All three,”

“That must’ve been difficult,”

“It was,”

“Let’s fast forward,” Dr. Aarons says, “Over the next handful of years, you two become quite intertwined, BTS undergoes a lot of challenges, but also triumphs.”

The two men nod.

“Namjoon, when did your conditioning of Jungkook begin?”

He shifts in his chair. He’d spent a lot of time with Dr. Cho working through the timeline. It was messy and complicated, hard to pinpoint exactly when things spiraled, but always easy to note when it started. “When he was sixteen, a little before then.”

“Do you remember the first act management asked you to carry out?”

“It had to do with sending him to training for dance,”

“Jungkook, do you remember?”

“I remember being sent to the states, I didn’t know it was part of conditioning me,”

“That’s something we’ve worked a lot on, right Jungkook?”

“Yes,”

“Namjoon, anything else you want to add?”

“Jungkook’s always been dedicated, he’s grown so much, but it was hard, for a while, to tell where the six of us ended, and he began.”

“Mm, the crisis of identity. What then propelled the drinking?”

“I busted my heel, and turned 21 and just started spinning out of control,”

“It wasn’t one event then; it was a collection?”

“Yes,”

“Namjoon, what were you doing at that time?”

“What was management having me do?”

“Yes,”

“I was pushing him to go to the gym, to bulk up, eating healthier,”

“I was already putting in so much time at the studio,” Jungkook feels the anger building, the heat in his belly, the strain on his throat, anger brewing like a lightning storm, opposing wind temperatures and pressures mounting.

“It wasn’t enough. Bang wanted you in the gym for at least twice as long as everyone else, in the dance studio with Hoseok or Jimin, longer than either of them,”

“They were beating themselves up too. Jimin wasn’t eating!” The first glimmer of lightning.

“I know,” Namjoon hangs his head. Jimin’s demise, wasn’t Namjoon’s fault. He played no role in the maknae’s eating woes, but he couldn’t say he didn’t play into it with his own insecurities.

“But you pushed?”

“I had to,”

“Why?” Dr. Aarons asks. “What did they have over you?”

Jungkook had spent the past few months working through what Big Hit had over Namjoon to push him to this deception. He had made guesses, but truly was curious how dire the situation was for Namjoon to commit such criminal offenses.

“They, they gave out stipends if you went to the gym or stayed at the gym longer than everyone else.”

“They gave you money?” Jungkook questions.

“Incentives… they gave them to you too, slipped into your paycheck or added to your stock options, mine were doubled.” Namjoon keeps his head low, unwilling to look either Dr. Aarons or Jungkook in the eye. He doesn’t deserve their compassion or pity.

“What else?” Dr. Aarons asks.

“It was written in my contract, I wasn’t allowed to talk about it, and I had to do what they told me. I was given the concession a few years ago that I could date, as a means to keep the peace.”

“That’s why you didn’t say anything?” The first clap of thunder, radiating.

Pulling his eyes from his palms, Namjoon squares off with Jungkook. “Yes, I legally couldn’t,”

“What would they take?” Dr. Aarons voice is the only calm in the oncoming storm.

“At first it didn’t matter, but they upped the stakes, saying I couldn’t produce, or they’d put off my mixtape months, put parameters around what percentage I could claim in writing and producing. Eventually, as the years passed, they threatened my relationship. To them it became the queen on the board, the key to making me comply,”

“It was the threat of loss,” Dr. Aarons articulates, “The fear that whatever you were holding onto would disappear if you didn’t follow through.”

“Yes,”

“The whole time they were playing you, too?” Jungkook wonders. “They were holding you hostage?”

“Yes,”

“This entire time, you’ve been hurting, and you didn’t say, anything?”

“I couldn’t,”

“Your stoicism nearly broke you,” Dr. Aarons observes.

Namjoon nods. This isn’t the first time his work has gotten the better of him, manipulating him, pushing him to new extremes. It’s not the first time his own self-preservation has clouded his judgement. His inability to not seek the best in all he does often burns him out, his need to help everyone, especially OT7, at all costs, no matter what, is the reason for so much of his heartache.

“Why did you do it?” Jungkook’s question is simple, as simple as yours had been. Why?

“I wanted everyone to be successful and feel successful. If I could help, in any way, then I was going to. I wanted you to be everything you dreamed of being,”

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” Dr. Aarons quips. “You wanted Jungkook to be all these things, did you stop to consider if the ways you were going about it were worth it?”

“Every day, every time he broke down, cried, was insecure, wanted to quit… we all had those moments, but Jungkook is, he’s the best of us,” Namjoon’s honesty has always been one of his strengths, which makes his therapy work that much more potent.

“I am not,” Jungkook counters, blushing amidst the tide.

“You are, even without guidance, you’ve always been the brightest star, I never want you to burn out,”

“You’ve pushed me to,” Jungkook’s tears cascade down his cheeks.

“In trying to give you longevity, yeah, I did,” It’s the break in Namjoon’s voice that pushes each man to new heights.

“You did such unforgivable things,” Jungkook spits.

Steering the ship towards calmer seas, Dr. Aarons speaks. “Of all the things that were done to you, Jungkook, in your mind, what is the one that hurts the most?”

“You created this false sense of security, making me think you were looking out for me but you were tricking me. I have all these insecurities, all these bad habits, for what?” Another lightning strike.

“I’m sorry,” Namjoon sobs.

“I know you are, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. You measured my food, forced me to work out more, dosed my drinks… you just, ne juwireul maemdolge / ne gyeote isseo julge / ne bichi doeeo julge,” Jungkook rattles off the lyrics. “All I’ve ever wanted was your support, your guidance, your love. You have been everything to me, and to find out you –

“I had no choice,” Namjoon’s voice rises. “They gave me no options!”

“You drugged me!” Boom. Louder and closer than before, the thunder rattles through Namjoon’s bones.

“I never said I did the right thing!” Namjoon counters.

“You put smaller pants in my closet, so I thought I was gaining weight!”

“It wasn’t my idea!”

Scoffing, Jungkook snipes, “You counted my calories and made me feel so guilty when I didn’t work out!”

“You’re the one who wanted to maintain your six pack!” Namjoon yells in return. This feels like a RUN episode gone wrong.

“What about Jimin?” Jungkook watches the flash of anger in his hyung’s eyes, wasn’t it enough that he was in here with Jungkook? Why bring Jimin in too?

“Don’t bring him into this,” Namjoon warns.

“How do your actions affect him? What about the other members?”

“They’re, fine,” He clenches his jaw.

“Yeah, because you didn’t drug them!” Jungkook strikes again.

“It wasn’t anything serious!”

“Every action has an equal, opposite reaction. This is what you did!”

Namjoon is trying not to be proud that Jungkook’s quoting Newton, but he’s a little proud.

“Management Jungkook! Management made me! Stop shooting me, I didn’t load the gun!” Namjoon yells.

“Fuck you Joon!” Jungkook stands. Hands through his hair, snot wiped against his sleeve.

“Take five,” Dr. Aarons voice is swift, coming down harsh in their ears as the two stare at opposite corners of the room. As her voice ebbs, the only sound that can be heard in the trepid waters are the sounds of this tears.

Next: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 3

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forever--darling · 4 years

Text

not too far away - s.m. (part thirteen)

a/n: where he tests the race of time and she finally goes under

also listen to heaven’s not too far away by we three. this song gave me the idea for this series in the first place!! One more part left guys!

warnings: 10.4k words of heartbreak, the waiting game, and everything coming to light

XIII. heaven’s not too far away pt.2

her

“Y/N/N, you doing okay in there?”

The voice came from Demi, on the other side of the bathroom door. She had gotten you at four like you planned and carried your overnight bag into the car. She drove you to the hospital with all your favorite songs playing through the speakers and you hadn’t been able to talk through the whole ride. Instead, you stared out the passenger window, forehead against the glass, in case it was your last time seeing the city.

You couldn’t get yourself to look away from all of the streets and buildings you passed because this and Pickering was the only place you knew. You hadn’t been anywhere and you hadn’t done anything. It was heartbreaking because there were so many places you wanted to go and so many things you wanted to do but there was a chance you wouldn't be able to. So, you just took in the home you knew, hoping it would stick with you forever. Even when your phone vibrated in your lap, knowing it was from Shawn, you still couldn’t depart from the cool window that was calming down the stirring that was happening inside your stomach.

“Yeah,” you yelled back, eyes locked onto your form in the mirror before you turned around to unlock the door to see Demi stood on the other side. “Could you tie this for me?”

She smiled, that small Demi smile, and nodded. Standing behind you, you watched in the mirror as her fingers took the two strings at the base of your neck and tied them together, tightening the hospital gown around your frame. You felt frozen as your orbs scanned over your reflection. It was like a year and a half ago all over again except this time you weren’t underweight and on the brink of death. Hand gripping tightly to your arm, nails digging into the skin, you felt as Demi’s hand clasped gently around your shoulder. Turning your head, you smiled sadly at her before moving out of the bathroom and back into your hospital room they had assigned to you.

Pulling back the white crisp sheets, you crawled into the bed and tugged them over your bare legs that were covered in a pair of blue sleeping shorts that were hidden under the gown. Your fingers fiddled with the hospital band around your wrist as outside the door, your family stood talking to Patty with soft smiles. Even if someone was having the worst day in their life, she still could make them smile because she was that kind of person.

“Hey, Dem, could you reach into my bag over there and take out that large grey book?” you asked, sinking further into the pillows on the bed.

Lucky for you, since you had been around the hospital so long, you knew where to get all the best pillows and the softest blankets. Courtesy of Patty, of course. Being one of her favorite patients after all this time was a plus because she always hooked you up to the best stuff in the hospital; the best food, the secret to getting the best TV channels, and the best rooms. The rooms that always had a view on the side of the building where if you looked out the window, you could see the city lights. I’m sure all of these things would mean so much if you didn’t feel like you were about to die.

Your thoughts were brought back to reality as you felt the thick book in your lap. It was a scrapbook. The final gift you had to give out for the day. It was for your family. For the three most important people in your life, with a few pages dedicated to a few other people. You knew this was a way you would always live on. To have a book, covered back to front with of all the greatest memories, shared as a family. You loved them more than anything and if you weren’t going to be able to pull through this, you needed them to be able to get through that fact.

The scrapbook was a 12 x 12 and the cover was a light grey. A square was cut out of the front like a window, left to place a photo in the front. You had chosen one from the summer, where you all were snuggled around the campfire under the sky, faces illuminated only by the flames and the flash that came from the camera. It was months after you had been released from the hospital after being cured from treatment and at the time, your hair had only grown out to the bottom of your jaw compared to where it was now towards the top of your shoulders. Within the book, every single page was filled from pictures that you either ordered and picked up at the local pharmacy or had to dig through old boxes in that attic to find but you managed to do it.

It had been a work in progress for months, at first just being a regular gift, but now a going away gift it felt like. It was like a journey, the first pages showing pictures from when you and James were young and then taking a skip to high school and then to when you had been diagnosed with cancer.

Every family picture you had managed to find a place for. All to be decorated in their own unique ways with stickers, scrapbook paper, quotes you had printed or written. You had even used glitter which was not apartment friendly. From there, you had made individual pages for each of them. A few for your mom and dad and then some for James. You even threw in a couple for Demi, Shawn and Aaliyah and a few other friends you had in high school before you all graduated and went your separate ways.

Thinking about it now, you hadn’t heard from most of them for years and it wouldn’t be a huge shock that probably none of them knew about you being sick, but to be fair that was fine with you. The fewer people to know about it the better.

A sad smile had pulled at the corner of your lips as you opened the book and began to flip through the pages you had spent hours filling up at one point. Your fingers traced over the way each page felt and your eyes scanned everything making sure it was all perfect. At the sound of the door though, you closed the book and looked up to meet the eyes of your father. They looked tired but still sparkled as they laid on you. Right behind him was your mother and James.

“Hey, bug how are you feeling?” your dad asked, walking over towards the side of the bed.

“I’m doing alright,” you responded, head falling back into the feathery pillows.

He smiled, eyes crinkling as he did so, “That’s what I like to hear.”

“Honey, what’s this?” your mom’s voice filled your ears and you followed her gaze down to the book in your lap.

Your chest instantly became warm as you tilted the book so it faced the three of them, “It’s a scrapbook. I made it for you guys.”

Your mom’s hands gripped the front of the book, eyes starting to glaze over as she looked at the cover photo and as soon as she flipped it open to the first few pages, all of the tears started to fall. You kind of felt bad, making so many people cry in one day but technically it wasn’t your fault. It’s the fucking cancer’s.

Your dad’s eyes were getting hazy now too. The inner Bradley was coming out. “Y/N-”

“I just want you to know that whatever happens, I’m not going anywhere. I’m always going to be here,” you cut your dad off, voice soft and low already feeling all energy lost and prep for surgery hadn’t even started.

You could only hope that what you said felt uplifting to your family but there was a small chance that it only made them more sad. Either way, your dad moved the railing from the side of the bed down and climbed in next to you. His arm wrapped around your shoulders, pulling you into his dad embrace. One that was tight and secure but not too much that you weren’t able to breathe properly. It was comfortable and felt safe. It made your fears disappear by the comfort of your dad and his arms.

“I love you,” he whispered into your hair.

“I love you too.”

Feeling the palm of your mom’s hand on your leg, over the blankets, you no longer felt scared of what would be happening in the next few hours. You knew that whatever happens, happens and there isn’t anything you can do about it.

Eyes looking up and past your mother, your gaze locked with your older brother who hadn’t said a word to you yet. He was silent, arms crossed over his chest, hands gripping his biceps tightly. His hair was messy and bags were present under his eyes that appeared drowsy and all around sad. He was chewing on his bottom lip, those eyes that matched yours glancing down your frame towards the scrapbook. His Adam's apple was bobbing and he was trying so hard to not cry.

You had never seen him look this broken, so out of hope, and at a dead end. History was repeating itself and though you wished he could, your big brother couldn’t protect you from this. He may have for everything else in your life whether it was keeping you from falling off of your bike to making sure all of the asshat boys would stay away from you and to fixing those endless rainy days by shining some sunlight on them. He had always been seen as your older brother, the one who would keep you safe from whatever was thrown your way in life, but there are just some things he can’t save you from, and that was the painful truth he would have to face.

him

“How’s that sound?” Shawn asked, taking the headphones off, as his foot tapped against the floor of the sound booth.

Teddy was nodding, a genuine smile on her face, “It sounds really good, Shawn.”

“Yeah?” he asked, voice lifting at the excitement that was forming within his chest.

“Yeah,” Teddy confirmed, finger pressing on the microphone button on the outside of the booth, “I think we are really onto something.”

He sent her an innocent smile, “Can I take a break then.”

She chuckled, “Yes you can take a break.”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Shawn trampled out of the sound booth, instantly going for the water bottle he had been sipping on to relieve the tension and soreness that was forming in his throat. He unscrewed the top and began to drink of what was left, swallowing it in one large gulp. The coolness washing down the dryness that had formed from trying to sing the same verse over and over again. He was about to move across the room towards the mini fridge to take another bottle out, when he heard his phone vibrating against the coffee table where it was sat abandoned since his last break.

Tossing the empty plastic bottle into a nearby trash, he scooped the phone up in his hand to find James’s name across the top of his phone screen. Instantly, Shawn became a little confused about why the older Y/L/N was calling but answered and moved out into the vast hallway to gain some privacy.

“James, hey, what’s up?” he asked, a surprised chuckle falling from his parted lips.

“She’s lying to you.”

Shawn’s eyebrows furrowed as he leaned his back against the wall in the hallway, slightly worried about the tone that was evident in James’s voice. “What? What are you talking about?”

There was a pause, James taking a deep breath could be heard through the phone, and Shawn knew whatever he was going to say wasn’t going to be good, “Y/N. She’s lying to you, Shawn. She’s sick again.”

Shawn’s throat became dry, though he had just had some water. He was stunned into silence for a few seconds, “How bad is it?”

“She doesn’t have to go through chemo again, thank god, but she’s having surgery. She’s getting the cancer cells removed,” James explained, sounding completely broken up about it.

“When’s the surgery?” he asked the reality that this was actually happening not able to set in. He had left her the day prior and she hadn’t said anything. She had let him walk out of the door, knowing that she was sick and she didn't tell him. He thought they had gotten over this but deep down it was like they were sixteen all over again.

Another pause. “Today, at six. It’s about four o’clock in Toronto right now.”

“Shit,” Shawn mumbled frustratingly, hand coming up to scrub across his face, “How long has she fucking known and not wanted to tell me.”

“I don’t know when she found out but she didn’t tell us until after her birthday,” James replied, “She told everyone else about it today. Shawn your parents and Aaliyah are here. She didn’t want you to know, my guess the same reasons why she didn’t the first time we were in this situation but I walked into that hospital room and I realized I’m done doing what she wants. I should be doing what she needs and what she needs right now is you. She could die, it’s a risk with this surgery and you just need to be here.”

“Fuck,” he cried out loud, hand slapping against the wall next to him, “Okay, I’m on my way. I’m going to get on the nearest flight and I’ll be there in five hours tops.”

“You’re not going to make it,” James said sadly.

“I know,” he yelled back, “But I have to try. Just please keep me updated on how she’s doing.”

With that, Shawn hung up the phone and within that short phone call, his world had shifted. He had woken up the happiest he had been in a long time, and now felt like his heart had just been broken in half. Slipping the phone into his back pocket, he stormed back into the studio and began to tear apart the room in search of his car keys. His face was a shade of white, and his eyes were misty and everyone had not been ready for such a mood change in him. In fact, this was a way they had never seen him before.

“Shawn, what’s going on?” Teddy asked being the first to pick up on his panicked state.

“I need to find my keys,” he explained, breathlessly ripping the pillows off of the small couch that was sat in the corner of the room.

“Why do you need your keys?” she questioned but he didn’t answer. He was too busy trying to find them so he could get to the airport. Finally, she stood from where she was sat and approached the distraught twenty-year-old, hand reaching out to grab his arm, “Hey, take a deep breath and tell us what’s going on.”

Shawn shook his head, a frown permanently etched onto his lips, “I can’t take a breath. I need to get to the airport and get back to Toronto.”

“Has something happened?” she tried to get him to look at her but he couldn’t because he knew if he looked at Teddy he would start to cry and he couldn’t waste any time with his stupid tears.

“Yes,” he turned yelling towards her, startling her and the rest of the people in the room, “You see the girl who could potentially be the love of my life is a pain in the ass. She’s about to go into surgery to cut out the cancer she didn’t even tell me was back. So, yes, something has happened Teddy because her surgery is in two hours and she could die and I need to get home.”

Teddy went silent, the new information obviously stunning her. Shawn had talked about Y/N to his crew plenty of times over the years and as soon as he came back from his trip home, he completely burst with news of seeing her again. He had gone on and on about her the night he flew into LA and everyone could see that he had gotten a little crush but now proved to be a lot more. They never knew of her having cancer because he didn’t tell them.

She said that she was healthy and that the cancer was gone so it didn’t seem relevant to mention but now it wasn’t gone. It was there, inside her beautiful body, spreading, trying to take up every part of her precious being, hoping that it would kill her altogether.

Sighing, Shawn’s hand ran through his curls, tugging slightly at the ends, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled but I just need to go and get to her. Can someone please text Andrew and tell him what’s going on and that I’ll call him later?”

Teddy nodded, hand reaching out to pluck the car keys that were hidden under some sheet music, “Don’t worry about anything, okay. We’ll take care of it. Just focus on getting to her.”

He smiled, grateful for his great friend and producer, taking the keys and bolting for the door with only a small backpack on his back. It had his money and a few pairs of extra clothes in case he accidentally ended up falling asleep at the studio like had done many times before. He was lucky to have it because even if it wasn’t, there was no way he would’ve gone home to pack a bag of clothes. Shawn had only one thing on his mind now, career, music, life put aside. His only priority was getting home, to her.

her

You were becoming restless, sat in that damn bed. Sending Karen and Manny down to the cafeteria with your parents. James was supposed to be with Aaliyah outside, who still seemed hesitant coming in the room. For some reason though, Aaliyah was stood alone outside of the room, biting on her nails, eyes frantically moving around the busy floor. James wasn’t anywhere to be seen and you knew that this was your chance to talk to her finally. Patty was stood at your side doing the initial checkup every twenty minutes just to make sure you were doing alright. She was dressed in her usual blue scrubs, but today her hair was braided back into a bun. She was checking your vitals though you were stable and felt fine.

“Okay, everything is looking good,” she concluded, putting her pen back into the ring of your chart that was in her hands.

“Just like I was twenty minutes ago,” you chuckled.

Patty raised her eyebrows at your sass but smiled nonetheless, “Hey, it’s just protocol from Dr. Myers. You are a very special patient and he wants everything in order before the surgery.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you rolled your eyes, now actually getting slightly irritated with all of the talk about your surgery, “Anyways, do you think you could get Aaliyah for me. She’s just sat out there alone and I have a few things to say to her.”

Patty nodded and smiled, “Alright, and remember I’ll be back-”

“For another checkup in twenty minutes, I know,” you laughed, watching as she backed out of the room and turned towards the young teenager that was trying to hide her nerves.

Patty had said something to her before she disappeared in the opposite direction of your room and hesitantly, Aaliyah stood up from the chair, she was sat in outside the room, and turned the corner. She took small steps entering into the white room that was shining from the sunlight that was emitting from the window. The door closed behind her and with some sort of courage, she managed to cross the room and take a seat in the chair next to your bed.

“Hi,” you smiled.

Her eyes met yours, “Hi.”

“How are you holding up?” you asked, watching her twirl a piece of hair around her finger. She shrugged and that was all the answer you needed. “Where’s James?”

“Said he had to make a work call,” she mumbled back.

“And you didn’t think you could come in?”

She shrugged again, “That nurse was in here so I just thought that I shouldn’t.”

“She was just doing a checkup,” you explained, fingers pulling at a loose thread from the blanket thrown over you. “I’m doing okay.”

“Clearly not,” Aaliyah argued, expression becoming angry as tears welled into her sweet brown eyes, “You said that you were fine and that the cancer was gone but it’s not. You’re sat in a hospital bed about to have surgery. You’re not okay and I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.”

You felt your heart drop, clearly, you weren’t the only one who had doubts about you pulling through this surgery. Hand reaching out, it grabbed hers. “You don’t have to say goodbye. Not now, not ever, okay. I promise that I am going to be fine.”

Wiping at her tears, her head fell onto your arm on the bed, soft sobs raking her body. A single tear had escaped your eye and you quickly pushed it away as Aaliyah lifted her head, a question flooding from her mouth, hitting you where it hurts. “Why didn’t you tell Shawn? Why don’t you want him here?”

“Because I’m a stupid girl who is afraid to tell him that I’m in love with him,” you admitted, hand pushing her hair behind her ear.

Her eyes widened slightly, “You love him?”

You nodded, “I do.”

“I thought that was something you were just saying at lunch to console my parents,” she said, hand interlacing with yours, fingers fiddling with the band around your wrist.

“No, it wasn’t. It’s the truth. He might end up being the love of my life,” you smiled, hand reaching up to unclip the necklace around your neck that had been given out of love by the person you were going to miss the most, “Do you think you could do something for me?”

Aaliyah nodded, eyes trained on the necklace dangling in your hand. You dropped it in her palm and she stared at it, tears starting to dry on her cheeks. Her fingers traced over the continents before she turned it over to the date on the back. “Could you hold onto that for me during surgery? It means a lot to me and I want in the hands of someone who can keep it safe."

“It’s safe with me,” Aaliyah whispered, her hand clamping around the necklace.

“Thank you,” you said, hand stroking her cheek as you felt your eyes start to close, the exhaustion obviously taking a toll on you.

The last thing you could hear was the sound of Aaliyah’s voice whispering with her hand holding yours. “I love you, Y/N and there’s no one who would be a better big sister to me than you.”

You had fallen asleep and when you woke up, Aaliyah was gone from your side. Everyone was stood outside the room with Dr. Myers and a group of medical staff. Upon noticing your eyes, Dr. Myers made his way into the room while everyone else crowded around the doorway. He stood at the side of the bed, hand reaching over to push your hair back from your forehead. “Hey, kid, how you feeling?”

“Tired,” you admitted voice croaky, “How long was I out?”

“A while,” he replied, thumb running along the side of your head, a comforting smile on his face and as you glanced from him to your family and Demi. IN an instant you knew.

“It’s time isn’t it?” you asked.

He nodded, “Yes, it is. We need to start prepping you now.”

Biting onto your lip, you looked back towards your family, “Can I just have a few more minutes?”

“Of course.”

With that, he left and the small staff followed him. You took a deep breath, as your gaze moved to your family and Demi who seemed cautious and hesitant. Wanting a moment with your parents, James, and Demi alone was important in these last few waking moments. It was time to say goodbye in case you didn’t wake up again to say hello. With that, you asked to see your parents first and James and Demi waited patiently outside of the door in each other’s embrace. Demi’s head resting on James’s chest as his arms were wrapped around her torso. Your parents stood at your side, hands gripping your arm gently while your father’s arm was wrapped around your mother.

“Bug, you’re going to do great, okay? Don’t you worry,” your dad cooed.

“We both know, I’m not the one who’s worried, dad,” you replied, watching that mask he had put on to get through this fade.

“I know, you’re not, but we are,” he admitted.

A smile lifted at your lips and even at a time like this it was so genuine and your parents had never been so happy to have raised a heartwarming kind woman, “I just wanted to say that I love you guys so much. You really are the best parents anyone could ever have and I am blessed to have you in my life.”

“No, honey, we are blessed,” your mother said voice breaking, “We were given the best daughter.”

“We are so proud of you, bug,” you dad mumbled, snot falling from his nose as he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, “And we will see you after the surgery.”

“Yeah,” you agreed though there was no way of being sure, “I’ll see you.”

With that, your father leaned down and placed a longing kiss to your forehead taking in the smell of his daughter’s sweet scent he had been around since the day she was born. Your mother followed and with one more smile sent their way, they walked out of the room.

James approached you slowly, eyes bloodshot and shirt wrinkled, short hair a mess on his head. He was a mess. You smiled towards him, reaching your hand out for him to take and he did. Towering over you, he gave you a tight squeeze that reminded you of all the times as a kid while in church, during one specific part when you had to hold hands with the people next to you. James would always squeeze your hand as hard as he could and you’d do it back, usually ending with you hissing in pain and hitting him in the shoulder.

“I’m so scared,” he whispered honestly, barely able to talk.

“I know,” you replied, squeezing his hand just as hard back.

“Are you?” he paused, swallowing the saliva in the back of his throat, “Are you scared?”

“I was, but I’m not anymore.”

He was sobbing, something that wasn’t common with your brother and something he had gotten from your dad. “What can I do? Is there anything that I can do?”

You squeezed his hand three times. 1. 2. 3. “You know there isn’t.”

“There has to be because I’m your older brother. I’m supposed to keep you safe.”

You nodded, smiling up at the one person you had grown up next to, not having a doubt in the world that there was anyone else who was more fitted to be your brother than James. “I know that you are, but we both know you can’t from this. There is only one thing you can do.”

His eyes were locked onto yours, though you appeared slightly blurry from his tears. His palm squeezing your cold one, he knew that he had made the right decision in calling Shawn. Everyone needed to be together at this time and if you loved him as much as you claimed too, this man should be there above anyone else.

“I need you to take care of mom and dad,” you continued, watching as James shook his head because this was the exact thing he didn’t want to hear. “Just in case. I need you to promise that you’ll be there for them for everything. They have taken care of us all our lives and they might need you now to take care of them. Oh, and don’t let them dress me in a black dress at my funeral or play any of that sad shit, okay? I want to be dressed in pure white and have Bob Marley’s Don’t Worry playing over my casket.”

This caused him to chuckle, a sad chuckle but it was still a laugh. He nodded clearly not able to say anything as you swung his hand back and forth on the bed not done with your small goodbye speech. “I also want you to look out for Aaliyah, she seems the most scared about all of this and I need her in your safe arms when she needs it. And above all else, take care of my best friends. Shawn will probably deal with this the hardest and he will need you as a friend to help him get back on top. He’s just a guy who holds so much love in his heart and this might break him a little and you’re the one person I know will get through to him. And Demi, god Demi, you better treat her right, mister, or I’m going to come back and haunt you.”

James nodded again as you mustered the largest smile you could, “I love you, big brother.”

He squeezed your hand as he whispered one last thing to you, “I love you too.”

He sent you one last look over his shoulder as he left the room. The door only fell shut for a mere second, before Demi threw it open and ran in. She had seen your parents and James and the tears that were down all of their faces. Somehow she was convinced to not let you do the same to her. She ran over to you, hands cupping around your face causing your eyes to widen in shock. Her nostrils were flaring and her bottom lip was quivering but she was managing to keep it together.

She took a deep breath before she opened her mouth to speak, “Please, whatever you do, don’t die!”

You smiled and a small laugh fell from your lips, “I won’t because then who is going to be the one to sit around and listen to you rant about my brother.”

“Y/N, please, if there is some sort of white light run into the opposite fucking direction,” she begged, stroking your cheeks with the pads of her thumbs.

You rolled your eyes playfully at her words but you were drawn back to the sigh that sounded from her as she continued, “You and I are not finished, do you hear me? We haven’t made it to college graduation or even traveled the world yet. I need you as my maid of honor when I get married and more than anything I need you at my side with my first baby. I need to be able to call you when my husband is being ridiculous so we can go out and drink all of our happy life problems away because our lives will be so great that we won’t have any real problems to worry about. It’s supposed to be me and you. Don’t you see, I need you. You and I are not finished.”

Your eyes are glazed over and as you are about to respond the door opens and Dr. Myers flashes an apologetic smile, “Y/N, I’m afraid that it’s time to go.”

You nodded, looking back up towards Demi, your heart filled with love and happiness. Removing her hands from around your face, you held them as nurses and doctors began to unlock the wheels on the bed, and unhook the wires that were connected to your body. “You and I will never be finished. Whatever happens, I’m always going to be there for you.”

Tears flooded her vision, as you dropped her hands and the medical staff began to move you. They wheeled you out and into the hallway where your family was and behind them; Loretta, Demetrius, Karen, Manny, and Aaliyah stood. Demi walked behind the bed and as you gave each person one last wave or a shake of your hand, you were wheeled away with their words of encouragement following.

You became silent, gaze locked onto the ceiling as you were rolled down the hall, hands bunched into the blanket at your sides. That panic, that distraught, burning feeling from drowning wasn’t there. Those feelings from that dream had swallowed you and your fears so many times in the past, but now all you felt was complete and utter peace as you were moving towards what could be the final destination.

Dr. Myers and Patty were on each side of you. They were dressed for surgery, in their scrubs and scrub caps. Patty’s was just a pink color while Dr. Myers had large planes and white fluffy clouds. It was the only one you had ever seen him wear. You chuckled out loud, causing the man to look down at you. “I see you still have the same old scrub cap.”

“It’s my lucky scrub cap,” he said with a smile, glad to see you were calmer about the whole thing than how everyone else appeared to be.

Closing your eyes, you sighed, your smile becoming softer as your body felt like it was sinking deeper and deeper into the bed’s thin mattress. “Dr. M, I don’t believe in lucky scrub caps so the only thing I can say right now, is please don’t let me die.”

him

It had been two hours. He wasn’t even halfway there yet. The whole time he could only stare out the window at the sky, his mind too jumbled to focus on anything else. He wasn’t going to make it before the surgery, in fact, he knew she was probably going in right now. His chest ached, and his leg couldn’t stop bouncing up and down, obviously annoying the person sat next to him. The fear of never seeing her again made him feel sick and he had been lucky enough to get to the airport right as a flight was loading, though the only remaining seats were in coach, he didn’t care. Shawn didn’t care that he was stuck next to an older man who snored, or that he almost got mauled by fans who recognized him at the airport. He didn’t care that he was supposed to still be in the studio or had a meeting call later. None of it mattered, not right now.

Phone vibrating in his lap, Shawn had ignored the other messages he had gotten from his family, friends, or work members because he was just too worried about the girl he had given his whole and entire heart to think that finally, everything had worked out. Turned out the world was fucked up and unfair. There was a pulling at his guts, telling him to look at the message though, so he did. He picked up the phone and felt his heart stop and mouth open in shock. There at the top of all the notifications and messages was her name. Y/N had sent him a video, it looked like.

He struggled to plug in his headphones because his hands were shaking so much. Once they were in, he stared down at the screen for a minute, not knowing what to think, before he opened the message and clicked on the play button of the video. It opened and there on the screen was footage of Y/N tucked into a hospital bed with her long shiny hair wrapped up in blankets.It was from years ago. Her face was rounder and her skin much paler. A pair of headphones were on her chest and her father’s voice could be heard as he started to talk. “Hey, bug, you okay?”

The teenage girl shook her head, not bothering to look at the camera. “Shawn’s first album was released today and he’s becoming everything I knew he could be.”

“And you miss him?” Bradley asked to which Y/N nodded.

“I miss him more than anything, dad. We’ve never been away from each other for this long before.”

“Do you think maybe you want to tell him? About the cancer?” her dad questioned.

She became very still, thinking for a long time before answering, “No. I can’t do that to him. Things are finally taking off for him and I can’t give him any reason to give it all up and come back home.”

The video went black for a second as those had been the exact same words she had screamed at him the night of her party. The night, he found out about the real reasons of why the last four years had been how they were. She cared so much about him and was selfish at the same time. She had would his career and his dreams above of own wants and needs and though she may have handled the situation wrong, he still appreciated it all.

Suddenly, music started to play, traveling into Shawn’s ears, the lyrics making his heart speed up in his head.

Honey, I thought you should know. That I’m in a hurry. I’ve got to move up north. But it’s just temporary.

From there the video flashed quickly back and forth of pictures and videos of Y/N and Shawn as kids leading up to the years before he left Pickering. The lyrics piercing his heart with each word. Was she trying to say goodbye? Because this was not the way to do it, he thought eyes glistening with fresh tears.

When I look at you I see your beauty. Now my baby boy he’s going to lose me. But heaven’s not too far away.

And like a bunch of bricks to his chest, as the music started to get louder like it was about to hit the chorus, a picture of Y/N moved onto the screen. She was bald and smiling, looking just like he imagined her to look with no hair, absolutely beautiful. The pictures and videos continued of her. In the hospital, getting chemo, making jokes with her doctor, singing along to one of his songs.

It went on until one last video appeared. Y/N was sat in a wheelchair, a bunch of members of the hospital surrounding her as she was dressed in a black long sleeve shirt and a pair of jeans. Confetti burst around her and a banner appeared with bright pink letters congratulating her on being cancer free. She was smiling so big, that dimples appeared on the sides of her lips, and her cheeks were dusted this soft rosy shade. Then she stood up like the strong woman she was and with hugs going around, walked out of the hospital. She probably expected it to be the last time but had gotten thrown one more curve ball.

No honey, I don’t want you to go. Please know that I have to. Look how the cancer has grown. I think it’s time to go home.

He was crying. Shawn could feel the tears staining his cheeks as the pictures and videos changed again. This time being all from the last few weeks. The weeks he had spent with her; fixing their friendship, healing their hearts, and falling in love. The first one being from the hockey game when he had convinced her to take a selfie. Both smiling and dressed in Maple Leaf clothes, Shawn’s arm was slung across her shoulders and she had leaned into his side for the picture. They both were smiling brightly despite the awkward tension between them at the time.

Then came a few videos from game nights they had with the family or crazy dinners. There’s was videos of them just acting like complete idiots together, resembling exactly how they used to act as kids. Nothing had changed between them that much besides the feelings that had been recognized as wanting to be more than just friends.

Yes, I can still hear your voice. Sounds just like it did. And I can still feel your hand when it touches my skin.

Then they moved into Y/N’s birthday. There were so many. A picture of them leaning into each other at the table during the game of Bullshit to them laughing over dinner. There were videos that Aaliyah had sneakily recorded of Shawn fiddling with Y/N’s fingers in his lap, eyes locked onto her smiling face. To finally pictures of them dancing in her yard. They were pressed so closely and it looked so intimate like they really were a couple, though at the time there had been no label put on them. There were videos of him twirling her, talking to her with a smile on his lips showing just how happy she had made him. As the small video ended with her head falling onto his chest as they danced, the video went black again for a single frame.

But Heaven’s not too far away. I know someday you’ll visit.

Shawn could hear his own laughter through the headphones and a sad smile formed on his lips as the video appeared on the screen. This was in Y/N’s apartment one night after he had stayed over in the last few days they were together. She was tangled on top of him, her phone out, as they were on the floor after Shawn had caused them to fall off. Laughter was flooding through the both of them as she recorded it and it ended with him leaning up and placing a sweet kiss to her lips.

Honey, I thought you should know. That I’m in a hurry.

The music’s volume lowers, fading along the background, as sounds like someone was trying to adjust a camera was being made and then after a few seconds, a light appeared and on the screen there she was. Y/N was dressed in that navy blue shirt that belonged to Shawn and the morning sun was illuminating her face, those freckles noticeable on her nose. She was sat on the small step in the living room, the back of Shawn’s kitchen in view, probably being filmed on her phone. Hugging her knees to her chest, his shirt covered her frame as a small smile graced her precious lips. By it all, he could tell that this was from yesterday. This was the same day he had his flight and not a doubt was in his mind that this was after he left.

She was biting hard onto her bottom lip as her eyes looked into the camera. “Oh. my god, I can’t believe I am doing this.”

She mumbled for a few seconds, trying to get the courage to speak, before finally she took in a deep breath, “Shawn, let’s face I am a stupid stupid girl. No, actually, I’m a coward. I just let you walk out of that door without telling you how completely in love with you I am.”

Shawn’s heart stopped and then skipped a beat all together as his hands held onto his phone so tightly, his knuckles were turning white. She loved him. She finally said it out loud and all he wanted was for her to keep saying it over and over again until he felt like it was true.

“I love you. I love you,” she continued on his screen, her voice going soft as her fingers ran through her short hair, “It’s not fair, I know and I am so sorry but it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, I love you and you love me and that’s what matters. Shawn, you are one of the best people in my life. Ever since I knew what it was like to get romantic feelings for a boy, I think that’s when my heart started to beat faster around you and that fluttering started to come alive in my stomach. So, I was that girl who had a little crush on her best friend and the family friend. I was also too stubborn to say anything, so I didn’t for years. But by the time we got to high school, I couldn’t take it anymore. You were this cute, kind-hearted, talented boy who had made his way into my mind and never left. There were so many times when I wanted to say something but then you started dating Lauren and then you weren’t and then you had to leave Pickering and the timing just never seemed right for us.”

“Since then, I’ve never really tried to love anyone else because even though I was sick and you were traveling across the world, that sixteen-year-old boy who shot covers in his room had never left my mind. And I promised myself, I would wait for him to come home but then you did and I got scared. So I guess I was as much of a coward then as I am now. But in the end, I got you. I got you, Shawn. I have you, and I have never been as happy as when I’m with you. I love you and I know that we have no idea what’s going to happen. It’s scary and terrifying. It’s the oblivion. I know this will feel impossible at times, but I know that you’ll be okay and if all else fails just know that I’m not too far away. That heaven will never be too far away.”

I’ve gotta move up north. But it’s just temporary.

Just like that, it was over. The time ticked out and the screen went black and Shawn had never felt so empty in his whole entire life. It was a declaration of her feelings and somewhat of an explanation but it felt like a shitty one at that. He knew he deserved more than that. A video sent to him. He needed to hear those words out loud face to face and above all he needed that chance. Things couldn’t end this way, the universe couldn’t be that cruel. He couldn’t let go, not now, not ever. It felt unreal to him. Like his once fluffy cloud had gone grey and a storm had started to stir. It felt so wrong, that he put himself through the pain of clicking play on the video again.

her

There you were, lying on that cold table. Drapes were over your body and a tube was down your throat and your abdomen was bare and exposed. Unconscious, with a bunch of doctors surrounding you and Patty, sat at your head petting your hair down, eyes not able to look away from your sleeping form. Beeping sounded throughout the whole room, from the machines you were hooked up to that was keeping track of your heart rate and other stats.

Along with that, there were IV’s coming out of your arms and bags of blood near if needed. A surgical cap was pulled over your head and there were lights shining over your body for all of the doctors to see. Trays of surgical instruments lined back and forth and behind that on the wall were your latest scans of where the Mets were. The doctors were dressed in OR gowns over their scrubs, white thick gloves on their hands, and face masks over the bottom half of their faces.

Dr. Myers stood to the right side of you, in his lucky scrub cap, headlamp on his head, and clean scrubbed hands raised as he glanced from the different surgeons that filled the room. Some new, and just starting out, as young adults not knowing who you were or your case, and then there were others who had been there through the whole thing. An important case is what Dr. Myers labeled you and had only requested the best for this procedure. Taking a deep breath, his eyes found your face for a split second before looking back at his staff.

“This girl on this table just turned twenty last week and the only thing she asked of me was to not let her die. She has been on my table a handful of times and had gone through chemo and radiation for three years, so the only thing I ask of you tonight is to help me save her life. It’s a nice night for it, let’s do this.”

With that, he stuck his right hand out, palm up, authority present on his face as he looked towards the scrub nurse, “Scalpel.”

him

It was nine o’clock when Shawn landed and nine thirty when he got to the hospital. It was raining. Pouring, actually, and as he parked his car into the closest parking spot he could find, he bolted from the car not caring that he didn’t have an umbrella. He was soaked immediately. Curls wet against his forehead, he sprinted to the front doors and as he approached they opened automatically for him.

Water was dripping from his body as the front lobby came into his view. It was large and filled with blue navy cushioned metal chairs. For those who were waiting, waiting for the answers about their loved ones, waiting for hope to fall onto their shoulders to make it seem like everything hadn’t gone to shit. Shawn in the back of his mind prayed that by the end of the night he wouldn’t be one of those people.

He was jogging, slipping across the white tiled floor, head turning frantically back and forth looking for someone or anyone that could help him or show him where to go and then his eyes found it. The place he was supposed to go, he stopped in his tracks, eyes locked onto the only people who sat in those hard chairs. It was his family, your family, Demi, and then Loretta and Demetrius. They were sat by one another, bent over, like they were praying.

Manny sat on the end and two chairs over was Karen. Sandwiched in between them was Aaliyah, who had her fingers interlaced gripping them so tightly. Manny’s arm was around his daughter while Karen seemed busy rubbing Katherine’s back who was next to her. Kleenexes were pressed into the lady’s palms and though she always looked lovely and put together, now she just seemed completely out of it.

Bradley sat next to his wife, hand clasped around her knee as he stared at the ceiling, eyes not able to sit still. In the next two chairs were James and Demi. Demi had her face pressed into James' neck as her hands gripped his shirt tightly like he was the only thing keeping her upright. James’ head leaned against her’s, eyes fluttering open and close like he was about to fall asleep.

Then there at the very end was Loretta and Demetrius. Loretta was tapping her fingers against her thigh as she counted the dots on her shit while Demetrius looked at the book that was held in his hand. He wasn’t reading it but just holding it. Shawn knew which book it was from where he stood because besides it being Y/N’s favorite book it was also his.

Walking over there, to not startle them, every single pair of eyes lifted to his wet frame. His eyes were cloudy as his lips were drawn to a frown and the sound of the water slipping down on his body echoed in the air as it slapped against the floor. He knew she was in surgery, he knew hours ago, but that didn’t stop his mouth from opening and asking the question, voice breaking all together, “Where is she?”

Manny’s arm unwrapped from around Aaliyah and he stood at the view of his son in front of him. He approached Shawn, sadness on his face, as he tried to comfort the broken boy but he couldn’t find the words to say anything besides, “Shawn.”

“Where is she?” he raised his voice, though he knew there was no reason for it but he had a bad feeling about being there and he needed to see her. He needed to say that he loved her. “I need to see her.”

Manny tried to take Shawn’s arm in his hand, but the singer just shrugged him off. Those broken amber eyes looked around at everyone else who couldn’t find the words either. How were you supposed to tell someone that the love of their life was in surgery and could die at any minute? You couldn’t, you needed to think of better things because if you thought of the worst, the easier it would convince you that it was true.

“I have to see her,” Shawn cried, body exhausted from the flight, from running, from crying. He was about as out of it as anyone else, if not more. “Please, I need to see her. She can’t die.”

her

Dr. Myers movements had gone still. His light was shining into your body cavity and silence had washed over the room as they waited for him to say something, anything, or have his movements start again. Finally, Patty was the one who had been the one to call him out on the scared shitless look that appeared on his face.

“What is it?” she asked, hand pressed to your forehead, worryingly.

Dr. Myers looked up, gaze towards her and his face dropped even more, “The Mets have spread since her last visit. It’s starting to move up past her pelvis and towards the abdomen.”

It was like a pin dropped at the news, the kind that no one wanted to hear. Patty closed her eyes as a shaky breath passed her lips. “Are you going to close her up?”

He shook his head as he picked up the ten blade again and started to make small little cuts, “No.”

“That means you’re going to have to cut out more tissue to get it all. Is that really what we should do?!” Patty questioned no longer calm.

“Well, what do you want me to do? Close her up and send her back to the chemo chair? She barely survived chemo last time, I’m not putting her back there,” he stated, pausing to give a hard stare towards Patty. Tension was thick in the air, but he ignored the stares from the other staff and turned back to the task at hand.

“Clamp!” he demanded.

him

“You know that you can’t,” Manny tried this time, able to talk as his hand gripped onto his son’s shoulder, “She’s in the middle of an invasive procedure.”

Shawn’s hand came up to grip his dad’s forearm like he was about to fall over. “Dad, she can’t die without me telling her.”

“Bud, she knows that you love her,” Manny mumbled as everyone else watched in tears.

“No!” he yelled, “I need to tell her.”

At this point, tears were falling from Shawn’s eyes, mixing with the rain that was still stuck to his skin. He was sobbing, pleading in front of more people then he would ever allow but that’s how horrible this felt. It was like his heart was being torn from his chest and he didn’t care to show his weakness to the world because he felt too exhausted and too upset. Karen stood from her spot next to Katherine and tried to gather her son in her arms but he pushed her away too.

“Shawn, we know this seems impossible but she is going to be okay,” Karen said, tears of her own appearing, “Please just sit down. They should be done soon.”

He shook his head, hands coming up to tug on his curls. How could she do this to him? Make him fall in love with her and not warn him about the heartbreak ahead of time. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was finally his and he was her’s. It was supposed to be like that for a long time and it seemed, he was losing her not even a week after he confessed his feelings.

her

“Damn it!” Dr. Myers voice cursed through the room.

Patty’s eyes widened as she looked up at him. “What now?”

“She’s losing too much blood. I need you to start hanging more bags right away and I need to cauterize this bleeder and get it under control before it gets worse,” the scrub nurse and surgeons that had been assisting began to hang the bags of blood.

Dr. Myers began to pack as much gauze as he could into your body trying to stop the bleeding that formed as someone was preparing the cautery instrument to cauterize. That’s when the beeping cut through the air sharply. It was rapid and loud sending everyone in a frenzy.

“Her pressure’s dropping!”

him

“Shawn, please,” Karen begged.

He was shaking, sobs raking through his body. At this point, Manny had his arms wrapped around his son trying to keep him back from trying to run. Shawn, on the other hand, was using everything he had left him to get free from his father’s grip. He had to get to her.

At this point Bradley and James were stood too, saying things towards Shawn but it was no use, it was going in one ear and out the other. Katherine soon was on her feet, hands holding Shawn’s face trying to talk him down but it was like though his eyes were looking at her he couldn’t see her. He was having an anxiety attack, they all knew it. It was the worst they had ever seen. Starting to hyperventilate, his legs were like jello and his throat was raw from screaming.

Nurses had started to appear, being able to hear his yells from down the halls. They had jogged over and tried to remove Manny’s arms from around Shawn, but he was too scared to let go. It all became too much and the younger Mendes found herself jumping from her seat to get to her brother. She pushed Katherine aside and looked into her brother’s broken eyes. Ripping the necklace from her pocket, she shoved it into his hand. Shawn’s head fell, eyes locking onto the golden chain. He turned it over with his fingers before he looked back up towards his little sister.

“She asked me to hold onto it for her but I think she wanted me to give it to you,” Aaliyah whispered, stroking her brother’s damp skin, “Shawn, she loves you. She loves you. She loves you.”

her

That rapid beeping stopped and instead it became continuous meaning only one thing. Dr. Myers’s head snapped into the direction of the heart monitor. There wasn’t a line that was spiking with each beat that resounded around your chest. In fact, there was nothing. Both HR, for heart rate, and BP, for blood pressure, were flat. A question mark showed in the right corner under where it said the patient’s name and had Y/N Y/L/N flashing across the screen. A red alert was signaling.

“I’m starting chest compressions,” Dr. Myers called out, ripping the headlamp from his head and dropping it to the floor.

He slid across the floor up towards your chest and as his eyes glanced at the girl behind the drapes, he felt his blood run cold. Folding his hands together into a fist, he began pushing up and down in the middle of your chest, counting in his head with each movement. Your whole body jerked as your chest was pushed down and then proceeded back to its original place. Chin tucking down to hit your neck, Patty was crying at the girl laying in front of her. “Get a crash cart!”

Patty leaped from her chair above your head and sprinted to the corner of the room, pushing the cart from where it sat. She wheeled it over towards the side of the OR table. Dr. Myers ripped the paddles from the cart as the other lead surgeon on the case continued with the chest compressions. “Charge to 300.”

Quickly preparing the paddles in his hands, Dr. Myers stared wide eyed and terrified at the patient on the table. A buzzing noise came from the machine as he rubbed the two paddles together then hovered them both over your chest. “Clear.”

Patty pushed the button and the volts of electricity shot into your body. Everyone’s eyes locked onto the monitor as the line changed. The rhythm shot up and fell down in a zigzag motion as the question marks turned to numbers. The numbers increased, heart rate coming to 30 and BP to 40/24 but within seconds both had fallen back to zero. The question marks appearing on the screen again.

“Charge again,” Dr. Myers yelled refusing to move the paddles from your chest, “Clear.”

him

The sound of Aaliyah’s voice began to fade and Shawn felt all strength in his legs give out. He collapsed into his father’s arms and gently Manny lowered his twenty-year-old son onto the ground.

A puddle of water had formed around him and he squeezed his eyes shut, sobs still falling from his mouth. The necklace wrapped tightly in his palm as he tried to control his breathing. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and everything just seemed wrong. Bringing his knees to his chest, Shawn wrapped his arms around his legs. His head fell against his legs, able to smell the spring rain that stuck to his clothes.

Sobs becoming whimpers, nailings digging into his legs. He was losing it. There was nothing left in him, yet the tears continued. His damp curls were in his eyes and his head felt like it was going to burst. Was this what it felt like to die? Or was he just going to pass out? Maybe that’s how bad the pain was.

His eyes were closed and he shut out everything else behind him. The voices faded like white noise, and the feeling of others touching him went numb. All he could hear was her laughter, all he could smell was her coconut shampoo, and all he could see was her. Splayed across his bed, in his shirt, morning light in her face as she smiled and laughed, hands intertwined with his. All he could feel was her; her lips, her hands, her body. Only her. This was it. This was how it all fell apart, straight into his lap.

her

Did you say it?

“Come on, Y/N,” Dr. Myers whispered, paddles still pressed against your skin, as his eyes scanned for that rhythm. That one rhythm. “Charge again. Clear.”

I love you.

The numbers rose and fell again. Nothing. “Come on, don’t die on me! Charge to 400. Clear.”

Did you say it before it was too late? Before it was gone?

“We’re losing her!” Patty declared.

I love you

“Charge to 400 again. Clear!”

Did you? Or did you let it hold you back? The fear of admitting that you’ve fallen. Scared to commit to another person. Scared that love would hurt you. Fail you. Break you.

“Y/N Y/L/N, you are not going to slip away, you hear me! You told me to not let you go and there is no way that I’m going to but I can’t do this on my own.”

You should’ve said it. I love you because what it comes down to is at the end of the day…

“Damn it! Again!”

… wouldn’t you rather risk all of that…

“V-fib! Clear!”

… than to never love at all?

next part

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imag #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fanfic #my writing #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes angst

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cookiedoughmeagain · 4 years

Text

Haven DVD commentaries: 5.17 - Enter Sandman

Notes on the commentary for 5.17 with Lucas Bryant (director for the episode) and Shernold Edwards (writer for the episode)

This is a fun one and is by far the highest serious-to-ridiculous ratio from Lucas I have ever heard. Really lovely to hear him talk about how much he loved directing this episode. (As always this is not necessarily direct word-for-word quotes but hopefully captures the nature of the conversation.)

SE: So this was fun. I didn’t think it was going to be fun, but it was. LB: Wow - you were scared? SE: I was nervous! Because you’ve been working with this character for much longer than I have, and you guys are so tight you know your characters so well, you know the show. I was a fan of the show before I started, but you guys are /inside/ the show. LB: Right, interesting. SE: So I was writing it for you and I wanted it to be good. And I wanted it to be emotional but also I felt like it was a bit of a departure. LB: Totally. SE: And I was nervous too that the fans might be upset. LB: Right. Well personally this is one of my favourite episodes ever. SE: Oh me too. LB: Not necessarily because of what I did, but just reading it, it was fan-freaking-tastic. SE: So this [dream!Audrey on the phone] was one of the first shots that came through in the dailies and I looked at that and I was like; Lucas is a director! Look at the window, and the view, and she looks great. And we had looked at wardrobe and decided the short jacket looked great. And then seeing this I was like; That isn’t the short jacket I picked! But then I was like: Ahhh what a good choice! Because it flows! LB: Oh I didn’t know that I was breaking the rules. SE: No, you weren’t. I thought the short one was pretty but you made a better choice. LB: Oh good. I’m glad you think so.

LB: So this scene [Nathan finding Audrey on unconscious on the classroom floor] we actually shot this with the previous episode that was directed by Rick Bota, and thankfully he let me shoot this scene together with the end of the last episode where Audrey finds Grayson unconscious. SE: So how long before you guys did that did you know that you were going to have to shoot this scene? LB: It came up in scheduling, just because I thought it made sense because we were going to be in there already and set up to shoot a similiar scene. And it actually was awful because I was working that day, shooting - I mean working as an actor - and then I knew that this was coming in the afternoon. And it was totally sort of frazzled, and I was back and forth between planning the shot and being in the shot. And it was totally uncomfortable and awkward and weird. And I remember thinking, I do not want to have that experience for the rest of this thing, so it was great to get that out of the way. Because that happened, it happened for like an hour and then it was done and I got a couple days to think about what had happened and what I could do better and everything. So it was this sort of perfect trial by fire. But then at the same time I had Rick there to watch when I was on screen. Because that was the worst, I think, trying to do …. SE: Yeah like in the thing and watch the thing LB: Yeah. SE: So I’m sad because I love Kris Lemche [who plays Seth]. LB: So do I. SE: He’s so awesome. I think he just got cast in a CW pilot playing a role that’s very similar to this. So I’m just going to go on record and say that Kris Lemche should be thanking Nick Parker who originated this character. But I’m sad because I wrote this whole thing about his lustrous hair that ended up getting cut out. And I just thought somebody should pay homage to the lustrous hair. I tried but, the scene ran long. LB: I know, it was so good. It was funny and it was great, but that was part of the sad reality I realised of doing this - because it ended up running long, then any piece of anything that could possibly get taken out, got killed. SE: Yeah, I know. And it’s usually the fun stuff. LB: Yeah. SE: But a lot of the fun stuff did stay in this and I’m so glad. And I’m so glad you directed this one. But I wanted to ask you, because it feels like you didn’t have a lot of lead up time, between knowing that you had to shoot that scene that you were in and actually doing it. LB: Right, it didn’t. SE: So was that weird? Did you have to block yourself? LB: Yes. So we, Rick and I were shooting in that location the week previously, so thankfully I had a bunch of time between scenes to walk around, so any time I wasn’t shooting I go and nervously write things down. So I talked about it with Rick, and he told me what he was thinking, and I decided that those lines - those visual lines - could work for where our characters were going to be. SE: Oh yeah of course becuase that was a direct follow on from the previous episode LB: Yeah because Audey comes in the room, so I was like; Well Nathan can just come in the same way so we don’t have to light that again, we just do the same thing. SE: So going in to this I was aware that you were going to be directing and that we’d want to lighten you up as an actor LB: Yes! Thank you! SE: But I was also sad about it too because scenes like this one between you and Charlotte, we don’t get to do that a lot. We’ve got all this mythology stuff that needs to come in and case of the week stuff LB: Right. SE: And the fans, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, kind of like your face. And when your face is not on screen I kind of feel like they blame me. *Some joking around about who is actually in charge of the show and who’s fault it therefore actually is* SE: When this thing airs, I’m taking my name out of the phone book LB: Everyone - Shernold did all of us a favour by keeping my face out of this a little bit, so dial back the hate mail. SE: Goodness, and then also upset at Audrey even thinking about marrying anybody else. I’m going to keep my dog inside, and close all my windows, and hunker down. LB: It’s a TV show, people! Everyone knows the love story, the true love story, OK? It’s just … give Shernold a break? SE: Yeah let’s give Shernold a break. OK this guy [playing Sandman/Henry] was awesome. LB: Amazing. This whole experience was the coolest thing in the world for me. I absolutely loved it. And I got incredibly lucky in so many ways, it felt like it was divine at every turn. The actors, the guest actors; Rossif [Sutherland who plays Sandman] is a fantastic actor and was totally game for everything, I think he was incredible. Tim Beresford who plays Grayson I thought was fantastic. SE: Yeah he was really good. He’s a friend of yours, right? LB: Yeah, he is. And Emily and Laura and everyone who had to go into this illusion just went in, really went for it. SE: Yeah they all totally went for it. And - our show is always very emotional, and serious things go on too so there has to be a level of seriousness to it. But I feel like because we got to do dreams, that we got to go in a different direction. LB: Totally. SE: And I don’t think I’ve ever seen Emily, or the Audrey character, as relaxed, or as buoyant, or affectionate - I mean there’s obviously a lot of affection between Audrey and Nathan - but as affectionate or unencumbered, as unencumbered-ly in love with someone. But I think a lot of that came from you. LB: Hmmm. Well. I think it came from you, from what you wrote. Because Audrey Parker is always encumbered by the weight of the world. She has all these things to deal with; her identity, her lack of identity, what is going on, saving the world. So for her to get to play a woman who doesn’t have a care in the world, this is the most perfect life possible. I think that she just embraced that. And it wasn’t a vapid character, because that was a concern. But it was really amazing. When we first see them together in that world, it made me - this whole experience made me love actors so much more as well. Because so often when I’m acting, you feel sort of powerless, you feel like this meatpuppet in many ways, you’re being told what to do. And a lot of times you feel this frustration of not being able to really have this voice that you think you should have. Now, getting to watch actors, as the director, I was like; That is so freaking not true. And I am going to try to never feel like that again. Because from the moment that I said ‘Action’ until ‘Cut’ we were completely in an actor’s world. Like there would be scenes where I’d be thinking; I don’t even know how I’m going to do this or what I’m going to tell them. And they would just come in and bring it to life. And it was joyous to watch. To the point that there’s all the stupid pictures of me with my mouth so wide open leaning in at the monitors like a freaking idiot. SE: I think you should post those because I think people will want to see those. LB: *laughs* But I was really just so joyously appreciating getting to watch these performances. Because when you’re in it, it doesn’t feel good, it feels yucky. I mean these guys are fighting about the loves of their lives or potential deaths and imminent doom … SE: This guy [Sandman] is scary as shit LB: … so it was such a nice experience for me. SE: I have to say, this was one of the times where I regret not going up to set this season. Going up to set is not easy, because everyone works really hard, we have long hours, and we’re away from a lot of the amenities of the city, it’s not easy. What makes it good is the great people, the Haven crew (and the delicious food we get to eat.) The bugs, I’m not into. The ticks, I’m not into. LB: Yep. They’re lame. SE: The heat and the cold simultaneously, I’m not into. So, I wasn’t heart-broken when we were told that writers wouldn’t be going up to set for season five. Except for this episode. I wanted to be there for this.

LB: So this week, those first couple days, thankfully you kept me mostly out of this and the way it worked out schedule-wise was that other than that first bit that we shot a couple days earlier with Rick, I got to just direct for the first four days. SE: Oh that’s awesome. LB: So it was three days at the mansion, in the fantasy world, and then one day at the school where it was all Dwight and Sandman stuff. So for the first four days I didn’t have to put on any make up or get out of my own clothes. So I just got to focus on these guys. So this, look how gorgeous this is [as Audrey and Henry greet Grayson in the dream world]. And a couple days before this, it was freezing. And a couple days after, it was freezing. And when Emily first came out in the dress later on, it was so stunning. And we were outside and she had this wrap on, and we were thinking it would be nice if she took the wrap off, but it’s so cold out here. So I’m like; Great, I’m now the guy that gets to go and talk to her and ask if she’ll take the wrap off. And I’d been out there days before and it was freezing. Initially we wanted to put her on the dock, but I was just like; That’s going to be awful. So she said she’d try it. And it was like as she removed the wrap, the sun came through the clouds and I swear it was like 12 degrees warmer, the wind died, and we got this amazing shot - you’ll see it later - where the sun’s directly behind her, and it just seemed like we had done the best planning you could ever do. But we just got totally lucky.

SE: This was one of my favourite scenes [where Duke first gets Seth to remember Haven]. Kris is so funny. And I loved those words when they were on the page, but the little pauses that he puts in, in the delivery. LB: Yeah, he is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. SE: And so nice. It sounds really cliche, but this dude is really nice. LB: Super sweetheart. Fantastic actor. Hilarious, lovely person. And the two of them together [Kris Lemche and Eric Balfour], it was like, again, I just watched. And laughed, and enjoyed. And I was like; I don’t have anything to tell you guys, other than; you’re awesome. And one of these scenes with them - or maybe they got cut in half, but one of them was like four and a half pages or something. It was a pretty long scene of the two of them going back and forth. So I was like; Do you guys want to rehearse one? But they were like; Let’s just shoot it. And I swear to god, the first take, boom, they had everything down. I was like; Thank god. And that’s when you really see the difference between what makes a pro actor. Because you don’t have time for someone to be; Sorry, what was that? And that’s me, all the time, forgetting my lines. Thankfully Nathan doesn’t say much. SE: Which is not my fault either. Nathan is a man of few words. LB: I actually usually ask for less. Like; Can I not say that? SE: You do! Can I do that with a look? Can I just frown at that? Can I convey all that with just a frown? And then you do. LB: Right. Let’s just let Audrey talk, and I’ll observe her. But yeah when you have those huge scenes which Kris and Balfour did that day with those big scenes just the two of them, they just killed it. I had to do nothing.

[As Charlotte is talking to Sandman] SE: This scene was fun. We don’t usually get much sexy on this show. And I like how you’ve got Dwight there [through the window behind], looking in at his lady. LB: Yeah this was a little sexy. And she totally went for it. SE: She did. And that squeal that’s coming up? I didn’t think I was going to be allowed to do it. LB: I know, I remember we were sitting in this office, having that conversation. I think you wrote it in the script as ‘sorrority girl squeal’. And I was like ummmm, is that for real? But then I got on board, and we were like; Let’s do it and see. And she did it and SE: And she did it, but I thought for sure it was going to get cut out. I thought it just wouldn’t make it - at every turn. I thought the network would cut it out, I thought the studio would cut it out. LB: I think there were a couple voices that were wondering about it but I think the amazing thing about this episode was you could say, well, it’s an illusion. It’s not real. That was just a really good go, if someone was wondering; I don’t know if in Haven, we should …? It’s like; You have to remember this is an illusion. SE: Yeah, this is not Haven. [Charlotte doing her sorority squeal] SE: Oh Laura Mennell, you make me so happy. And then Emily’s face lights up as well. It’s just nice to see that character, even though she’s completely in a place where she shouldn’t be - if she had any power over herself she wouldn’t even touch another man except for Nathan - but to see her just being so free, and happy.

[Charlotte helping Henry with his cufflinks] LB: I thought he was hilarious in this scene. And when he tries to snap her back .. when he … SE: You’re still directing! Oh my gosh, you guys couldn’t see but Lucas was looking at Laura Mennell’s close-up, going; Oh there’s a thing there … LB: When he’s calling her back to the illusion here I love this. So again, we had zero time for these scenes because this was six days, this episode. SE: Oh yeah, you had to do this in six days! LB: So Eric Cayla, who is amazing and held my hand through all of this and was incredibly supportive and insightful. SE: He’s the most manly gentle man, and he’s a gentleman, but I mean he is gentle, and yet so macho at the same time. LB: He is, absolutely. SE: Like standing on set eating a wheel of expensive delicious cheese with a knife. LB: Yeah, that he takes out of it’s own holder. But so, I wanted to do something visually special for the illusion that differentiated it from the world of Haven, so part of it was in the colour. But we were also talking about frames; like frames within frames within frames. So you’ll see a lot of square symmetrical shots, or like this [Grayson coming to see Audrey in her wedding dress] through doorways SE: That was kind of menacing [Grayson’s hand on the door handle], I didn’t intend that. LB: Because you don’t know who’s hand that is SE: Yeah. Nice work! And look at that [wedding] dress. That was the first choice, right? That was the first dress any of us saw. LB: Yes, and I was like: Oh god, they’re going to go try on wedding dresses, this is going to be the biggest shit show, the decision of which dress to wear. SE: Yeah I thought it was going to be a hideous conversation. LB: And so I thought I would defer to the ladies and just shut up. So they sent out five pictures, and I think every single one of us picked the same one. There wasn’t even a question. SE: I think it’s one of the only unanimous decisions on the show. LB: Ever.

SE: So I had suspected it watching the dailies, but then also I was talking to some of our production managers up there and, the entire crew came together for you. LB: Yes they did. SE: In a way that was just special. LB: It was so special. SE: Everyone wanted you to do well, everyone was trying their best. And it worked. And I know you brought 80% of it, but I think if you weren’t the kind of person that you are, and the kind of professional that you are then people would have been just like; … yeah good luck LB: Well yeah totally. They could have completely sunk me. And I can’t say it enough, I spent basically two weeks on the verge of tears, just from pure joy. It was so incredible. And every single step from you guys here in LA, the production team in Nova Scotia and all of the crew - every single person totally supported me. Told me that they were going to support me. Made me feel supported. It was incredible. And then to see what a group of 150 people working together can do in 10 minutes? It’s amazing. SE: Yeah I mean I tried to write to the six day schedule, but I was not convinced. I was not sure it was going to be possible to get all that done in six days. LB: I think that’s just the way TV is going now that people are just squeezing more … Oh this is a nice shot of the two of them [Henry and Grayson] silhouetted in the doorway. It was all so beautiful and I was so freaking lucky. It was overwhelming, the love and support. SE; That was great! [Grayson’s body disappearing from the dream world] That was terrific!! LB: Oh good. SE: I hadn’t seen that but that is exactly how I had written it. Thank you! LB: Oh no, thank you. Although we should thank the post production people. SE: That was great that was the first time I’ve seen that. LB: Oh good.

LB: So a lot of trying to get through those days of blocking and scheduling stuff in the dream sequence in particular was we were trying to find lighting set ups, or share locations. And I’ve got to give it up to these guys [Adam as Dwight and Rossif as Sandman in the principal’s office] because I think this was the fourth day of shooting and it was all these two, all day. SE: Did you do it chronologically. LB: Yeah they went chronologically and they went from the first scene to the last scene non stop SE: No way. LB: Yep, so we would sit on Adam and he would do …what is it, 12 pages? SE: The whole thing? What! LB: Yeah. A 22 minute take. So to the camera guys; Thank you, and, I’m sorry. Because they were like; If I didn’t like you, you would be fucking dead right now man. Because it was hand held. So they’re holding the camera and shaking. They did an incredible job and it was just about letting these two guys go for it, and they wanted to. It was totally awesome to see, It was like theatre, we would watch it for 20 minutes.And again, totally pro. And Adam who only started being a TV actor a couple years ago, came and did this super professional badass shit. I was so blown away by him. I think he is excellent in this episode, I loved directing him, and he yeah, would go from start to finish, 20 minute take, killing it every time. Amazing. SE: That’s incredible. I had a lot of fun writing those two. One of my favourite things to write, for some reason, is a grumpy white guy. And that was a lot of fun, these two guys threatening each other. And for this two [Charlotte telling dream!Audrey about the Troubles]. I’m always interested in our Troubled people, but can’t always spend that much time with the Troubled people because they’re not the stars and they’re not what people want to see. But because of the way this was structured, and because you were directing and didn’t want to be on screen all that much, then I got to spend a lot of time with Dwight and our Sandman. LB: Totally. And I loved how he got a really character-y episode.

SE: Look at that hair. LB: He’s got good hair. SE: Beautiful LB: Are we talking about Balfour’s hair? Or Lemche’s hair? SE: I take the fifth on Balfour’s hair but he’s a handsome man. LB: I like that hair. And Lemche does ...- I missed the mustache though.

SE: Hey, did our crew make that? LB: Yes, that is fake. We are standing in front of the studio, we were in the parking lot of the studio for this whole day. So yes that entrance there used to be a … SE: And the gas thing and whatever? LB: Yes, that is a fake gas thing, no gas comes from it.

LB: I love this; it’s a very loud van [Seth driving away from Duke claiming the engine’s too loud to hear him] I apologise for letting them, but I let them ad lib whatever and whenever they wanted. SE: That’s fine. They were funny.

SE: Oh and this is the shot when the sun came out? [Emily sat on the bench in the wedding dress] LB: This is when the sun came out. And I wish, ideally my hope for that sequence was as a much longer shot that started further back and would go super slowly up towards her. But the constraints of the fact that we can’t just let it be an hour and ten minute episode meant that had to get trimmed. But yeah it was just so stunning. SE: I’m not a big wedding person, but I was wildly invested in that tiara. LB: I remember SE: I was a bit of a beast about the tiara LB: You were totally serious. You were like; I am talking freaking Cinderalla, with the white gloves, the tiara, the whole thing. SE: I wanted something with height. And to Joanne I have to say, you do a beautiful job, and I know you resisted, and I will say - you were right. We did not need a tiara that was a foot high.

SE: Oh I hadn’t seen this [montage flashback of Naudrey moments]. This is cute! The feels! Oh you guys can’t be mad at me, look at all this Nathan/Audrey stuff. Stop tweeting me! LB: I don’t think people will be mad. This is one of the coolest Nathan and Audrey … SE: Wow! That [montage] was longer than I thought too. LB: And that was one of those things that was conceived in editing, really. Because we had talked about the possibility of some flashback moments here. And Shawn Pillar was instrumental in creating that.

[Seth driving along rocking out to the radio] SE: Look how cute he is! LB: It’s hilarious. SE: It is really funny. And look we’ve got foliage finally. LB: Yeah, the colours [on the trees[ SE: We got to shoot in fall! LB: I saw a bit of the next couple episodes when it’s full on fall. I just did ADR SE: Oh is that the one where they’re outside LB: Yeah and the yellow house.Stunning. The fall was beautiful. I mean, it wasn’t that fun shooting, but I knew at some point it was going to look totally gorgeous. SE: I’m looking forward to seeing that one. I haven’t seen much at all from 5B because we were writing like demons and everything so it’s going to be all new to me.

[Audrey and Henry talking on the bench and he puts his hands to her throat] SE: Woah. When you did that, I was like; Whaaat?! That’s powerful. Because I thought, is he going to strangle her? And how can she be so calm. LB: Well he started doing that, because he started touching her and holding her face. And there was something sinister about it, so I was like, yeah, let’s go there. SE: Yeah and I mean normally - I don’t know I didn’t even intend this - but what I’m thinking is that because we’re still partially in the dream world. Because I think normally in that situation Audrey would be like; What? Get your hands off me! Punching him in the face LB: Absolutely SE: But this is a little different, this is still so intimate. I mean she’s not feeling it, obviously, because it’s all Nathan for her. LB: But she’s still not completely out. She’s still not Audrey Parker yet. SE: It’s really powerful. LB: Yeah it was an interesting line to try and figure out. Because yeah, when she remembers is she herself again? But she’s still in this world, he hasn’t fully released her.

[As the dream world starts to fracture around them] SE: That’s really cool. That’s what I pictured when I said it turns into a bit of a nightmare for him. That’s really good. LB: Good. SE: And I didn’t really expect this from the actor either. Because I think I put something lame in there like; ‘He screams in frustration’ or something. Which I know no actor wants to do but I had to put something in there for people who read scripts and don’t necessarily know what it’s going to look like when it’s done. LB: Totally. And that was just him in front of a green screen by himself. And he just went for it. And Emily wasn’t even there. He was just standing there doing those final moments on his own and I just let it go, and let him do it over and over. He did like 20 different takes, but so beautifully vulnerable and angry and lovely and lost. And that’s what I thought was really wonderful about his performance that you ended up carrying about him. And this song [that’s playing as Audrey and Charlotte wake up] Adam turned me on to it a long time ago and told me; Whenever I hear this I always think of Audrey and Nathan. SE: Ah that’s so sweet LB: So when it came to my episode I listened to it again and thought we’d throw it here in the end. SE: That’s a lovely image [Henry on a bench in the empty dream world]. I wasn’t quite sure what that was going to be like with him alone. I never really settled on what I thought that should look like and I think you made a good choice. It’s nice to see these two [Audrey and Charlotte]. What’s fun for me is that we didn’t have a lot of just Audrey and Charlotte stuff, even though we knew that they were mother and daughter. So I tried to use the dream sequence to bring them closer. LB: Yeah, I think that really worked.

SE: This was fun LB: It was! SE: You did a good job man. LB: Thank you.

#haven syfy #haven dvd commentaries #5.17 - Enter Sandman #haven maine #lucas bryant #shernold edwards

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omegangrins · 5 years

Text

A Treatise On the Doctor

I don't know how to start this. Because I think of Peter Capaldi's words when he said that the only thing required to be a Doctor Who fan, is kindness.

I like 13 and think Chibnall is doing his best job writing the show.

So I struggle to write this because I am engaging against that very unkindness in the Doctor Who fandom, and trying very hard not to be angry back. "Allways try to be nice but never fail to be kind." But I've begun to wonder more and more if those who speak so loudly against the show really know what the show itself is about.

Enough of talking about other people though, cause frankly they're only important as set-up for this conversation. And again, I'm working kind.

So here's what you're gonna learn from this lifelong fan (and the best Tl;dr you're gonna get):

1. The Doctor sucks. From the very beginning. People complain about character traits now that have been around as long as the show.

2. Due to the Doctor's suckage, they tend to do more harm than good. (And because of this, most of the Doctor's "friends" along the way have been, well, let's leave it at the air quotes for now cause it's a damn big list of "BOOOO!!!".)

3. All of the showrunners and writers and actors and editors and everyone else has allways knows this and has played it this way.

4. And last but not least, since this is a time travel show. If you wanna know what and why stuff is happening now, look it up. Everything that happened before is allways in play.

5. None of this is bad, and in fact, it makes the show morally grayer. It's about kindness at all costs. Even your own.

A. First things first, the hard thing. The Doctor is not grrrreat. I mean, sure they try, but they fail a lot more often. In Extremis, a majority of those fatality index counts come from people the Doctor failed to save. That's why it's worded so specifically as "cause of death". All the death's caused by the Doctor's very interaction with time and lack of saving those around them. And part of it's not their fault, but more often than not, the Doctor says I can save you, and can't, won't, or chooses not to.

And that would be alright, but it took them over 1000 years to realize they should start letting their companions lead lives outside of theirs so THEY DON'T DIE. A bit too long as someone who claims to be better.

Not to mention how many times the Doctor is dismissive of their companions and the people around them only to use them for their help and just bug off again. If they truly cared and wanted to help, they would stay and listen in between adventures. Their lifespan is near infinite anyway. What's a few extra Earth hours with some friends you made along the way. You know, maybe fix some of the psychological and emotional damage created by encountering things behind a human's original scope of reasoning. But nope, we gotta go adventure more, byyyyeee!!

So when people talk about these qualities in 13 in a negative aspect I have to laugh because I'm not sure if they understand the joke. Cause we're talking about an alien that grew up around a species calling themselves Time Lords. I try not to blame them too much for it. 1 had to learn how to be hospitable to humans and it's been a bit of a slow learning curve ever since.

B. After the Doctor survived the horrors of the Time War and happened upon a human companion they felt worth connecting to, what did they do? They took Rose to watch her planet burn in front of her eyes. Great, first date, amirite?

And that's a little bit of companion damage. Do you know that the Doctor is responsible for the almost complete genocide of the Silurian race across multiple occasions. I am legitimately surprised there are any left after all of the ones the Doctor has killed. Like before, they cause destruction either purposefully or accidentally or simply by force of being there.

Remember before how I said that the Doctor just flies away. Yeah, they leave a lot of problems behind when they do (something that I can see Chibnall is planting the seeds of). If you had a time and space machine and practically unlimited capabilities and you choose to just leave after a situation and not check up on them from time to or see if there are any other underlying crises to be solved. But oh no, "gotta follow that rule of time and keep going even though I stopped in the first place because of how interested I was.". This is why 9 has a great arc about this. He thought he killed all the Daleks. They came back. He thought he'd gotten rid of the Slitheen. They came back. He thought he saved Satellite 5 from aliens. But opsies, they came back. And look! They're Daleks. Which he "finally" got rid of.

The Doctor just bounces around all carefree and without an ounce of care for themselves, their companions or consequences unless there's consequences for themselves or their companions. Then they get indignant.

Is that really kind of the person you want flying around fixing things in time and space? Who knows. But at least they are trying. Most of the time the T.A.R.D.I.S. lands somewhere and the authority figures are the most pretentious bull-headed pigs you can find. To me, I laugh cause it seems like both sides end up getting a taste of their own medicine. Usually with the bull charging to death in a sad glory while the Doctor wiles on metaphorically about not being as good as them.

But again, as a "superior" alien with "advanced" technology and "culture" you'd think they'd just know better already. But that's all part of the character. The Doctor may be in flux, but true change is difficult. The real hero of every story is the other people BESIDES the Doctor.

Cause the title is Doctor *Who* . The Who being half of the title, despite having less letters. It's the constant question of "What and why and who is that crazy person that's trying to help?" Why do you think they keep flying back to Earth? (Besides set construction reasons.) They've grown as attached to us as we have to them. And at this point, a lot of their saving us is guilt and embarrassment at having a hand in our timeline.

This is also the same reason the Doctor dumps companions in a fluff. Baggage. Every time a companion gets too heavy to carry the memories of... off they fly.

Except for 13. She's stayed. To this end, we can see how the Doctor changes. Not on our smaller, human timelines, but on the timeline of a god with way too much power.

D. With that in mind, we go Classic. It's the Who you need to consult if you wish to make any critique on what's happening now. Because how can you know how a part operates inside of a whole without seeing the whole part?

Cause I don't know if you've watched it but it can be rough, and I don't mean in the sense of production value (which admittedly they do a fairly decent job of using what money they had. A problem the BBC plagues to Doctor Who to this day.). The 3rd Doctor shits on every one they call friends constantly and then turns around expecting help. 4 did the same. Then 5 masked that contempt with a plucky face and a cheeky word. But it was still there, bubbling out of 6 and 7 as the inability to suffer fools gladly and using their own righteousness to enact change in their companions. A trait that kept going til an entire war and regeneration was used solving the question of "Doctor Who?" Only for them to try and forget twice more by putting on their pretty grinning faces and running away from it.

And I'm only talking from a companion perspective. Each of the Doctors has enacted their own form of genocide on countless species. Sure, it's to "save humans" but at the end of the day you'd have to ask yourself if we're really worth that blood. And this is all in the Doctor's history. As much as they claim better, they're hands are still gushing red.

The Doctor left Jo because she fell in love. They drove Adric to put their life on the line in order to feel adequate. The entirety of the Silurian race has been wiped out fivefold under their watch, with one time by their hand itself. Same for several other singular and unique species you won't be able to find elsewhere in the universe. 7 used time travel to enact a personality change in Ace while simultaneously using her as a pawn in an interdimensional war. The Time War itself. Sure it got erased but the Doctor still did those things ("War" Doctor or whatever nonsense titles they feel necessary to delude themselves). The entirety of Amy's childhood was destroyed by their presence, and Rory got erased. Twice! Sarah Kingdom. We know the list. Hell, the Doctor whisked Barbara and Ian away because they wanted to teach the snobby humans some lessons.

They may have a time machine, but we have the bill of their actions. This is where 13 excels. Because they're trying to be better than themselves. They've learnt the lessons of all those years traveling and the failures they wish they could reverse but don't as a way of keeping a scoreboard of pain. It's not perfect by any means, but look at 12 needing cue cards to understand and react to human grief under duress. They've come a helluva long way. After 50 years, I'm inclined to believe better. After all, it's what the Doctor would want.

E. You know how people like the ASOIAF series because it offers up morally complex characters existing in a morally complex world where black and white are harder to define than grey? Have you ever thought of Doctor Who as the same? Strip past the fairytale and adventure and "wibbly wobbly timey wimeyness and it's just people reacting to situations. We're just harder on the Doctor because they're hard on us. You could go round and round on who's the bigger killer, but at the end of the day Time Lords and humans fight and feel about the same things. It's allways been a joke to pretend otherwise.

That's why I love the Timeless Child. Not for making the Doctor anymore special but for saying that even despite having all of their specialness ripped away and repurposed to create a lie of a society then having the memory wiped of said event, the Doctor broke out of their mold, stole a TARDIS and told the Time Lords to fuck off. That's not a Captain America/Superman hero. That's Batman in space with a society of Lex Luthor's. Gotham and Gallifrey. The Doctor saw what they were a part of and broke free, without even knowing the more horrifying truth. Cause it's the thing I see many fans missing because they're so preocuppied with the Doctor being special. The thing that made the Doctor different was their ability to know the difference and walk away to find better. Now, the Doctor has a reason to go back and find out why they never stopped running.

The Time Lords might be the greatest monsters in the universe. It is in the name. "Lords". Those who would lord over us and impose their will with a banthium fist.

And this is a children's show.

C the thing is, the people who made and make this show all collectively rail against one thing: Hate. Kindness is the way of Doctor's. Even if they're sawing off your leg, it's to do the kindness of saving your life. This is because the people who make this (United Kingdomers) have seen centuries of war and conflict and oppression enacted by their own country in the name of progress. And they want to see it no more. Look no further than any of the Doctor's adventures with UNIT. Allways advocating for peace and being ignored for the comfortable war-cry. It's why it's hard to blame the Doctor when we do very similar and often worse (though we don't have time travel.... yet). The creators of this show know better, see better, and wrote better, to know that the powers that be nipped would nip their creations and sanitize them. So they wrote their messages so strong that you can feel them from the future. They're powerfull enough that even across eras they have all collectively moved me to write this.

That's another point I have to laugh at people saying Doctor Who has never been in your face about progressive politics. The Green Death. Survival. Trial of a Timelord (Yes, all of it. Sit down and power through.) The Happiness Patrol is one of my all time favorite episodes for going there in this regard. People may poo poo but history has its' eyes on you. Doctor Who loves taking potshots at the issues of the day. As long as you don't make the aliens black of course. Make them all the colors of the rainbow but never make them black. That'd be too on the nose (That's something they used to say back in the day! Crazy how far we've come).

So bravoa to Chibnall for continuing the legacy of Doctor Who. From where I'm standing, he's not doing anything different than any other showrunner before him. Cause if you want to argue canon, you at least have to know what created it. This show owes what it is to those Classic eras. And if you think Chibnall is shitting on those years and your childhood.... well, then why did you read this whole thing?

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hobiwonder · 5 years

Text

Commissions

Hi everyone!!

As you can tell by the title, I’m going to be opening commissions. As my part-time job starts up in January, I have decided to try making writing my casual job to earn some savings before I run out completely. It’s quite expensive in Australia especially to be a student without a job lol. I am actively applying for summer jobs but it’s a fat chance i’ll get hired this late for christmas casuals !!! (kms). I had been thinking about getting a ko-fi page but never felt my writing to be good enough lol BUT desperate times call for desperate measures hhhhhh.

So if you enjoy my writing, I’ll be writing personalised little stories for a ko-fi each. Doesn’t matter how many you want to give (one is $3).

The drabbles will be between 1000 to 2000 words.

Send me an ask choosing your prompt from the prompt list below. You can choose as many as you like and i will try my best to incorporate them all if they fit in one story.

Basically let me know in an ask: Prompt, Your name (if you want), any triggers I should avoid, physical appearance details in case I need them, age. Birth year is fine. AND THE MEMBER OFC LMAO

If you don’t like a prompt, you can also just give me a genre and i can surprise you :) (college au, barista au, etc.)

Write a nickname or a name in your ko-fi note so I can identify you and get started writing on your prompt. https://ko-fi.com/hobiwonder

Prompt list:

“That’s not yours.”

“Rot in hell.”

“Take off your shirt.”

“Ugh, you’re sweaty- get off.”

“Can we just pretend like we’re normal for once?”

“I dare you!”

“A kiss for good luck?”

“Just this once.”

“There’s something I have to tell you…”

“You’re making me think that what they told me about you was right.”

“Don’t get up, you’ll make it worse.”

“Cute, but still fucked up.”

“I’m not drunk enough for this.”

“Be careful.”

“You owe me.”

“You never mattered to me.”

“Please don’t let me be alone.”

“How did you talk me into this?”

“That’s not good…”

“Don’t try to fix me. I’m not broken.”

“You’re cold.”

“Be you. No one else can.”

“You’re a horrible liar. I’ve known you far too long to be able to tell.”

“Don’t think I forgot about what you did last time.”

“I’m scared.”

“When was the last time you slept?”

“I’ll never forgive you.”

“Quit ignoring me.”

“You have my word.”

“Kiss me and i’ll forgive you.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

“There’s nothing I can do anymore.”

“Even when you’re annoying the fuck out of me, I still love you.”

“I’m just looking out for you.”

“I told you not to fall in love with me.”

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“It was supposed to be a secret!”

“You’re my everything.”

“You need to keep pressure on it.”

“It’s never too late to get back up again.”

“I can’t breathe.”

“Stop talking.”

“This isn’t like you.”

“This isn’t who I am.”

“Would you just hold still?”

“If I die, I’m never speaking to you again.”

“I don’t know who you are anymore.”

“Come with me.”

“My clothes look good on you.”

“I will always protect you.”

“Wake up, please.”

“Please look at me.”

“When I’m with you, I’m home.”

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“Eyes on me.”

“Please shut up. Just shut up.”

“I’m tired, just cuddle me.”

“This is new.”

“I’m not okay.”

“Is that blood?”

“Run!”

“I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

“That’s a lot of blood…”

“I immediately regret this decision.”

“You’re hurt, let me help.”

“That doesn’t look good…”

“Is that my shirt?”

“How did we get in this mess?”

“Move over.”

“What if one day I wake up and you’re not there?”

“You know me better than anyone.”

“You backstabber!”

“What happened to you?”

“stop moving, i’m almost done!”

“Are you testing me?”

“Please don’t shut me out.”

“You make me forget.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“I’m not moving, your lap is comfortable.”

“Just this once.”

“I made a mistake.”

“I SAW you with him/her/them!”

“None of this is your fault.”

“It’s so hot out!”

“Just breath.”

“We have to help!”

“I just really miss talking to you.”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I trust you.”

“Are you serious?”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Look at me.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?”

“They’re gone.”

“It just… hurts.”

“I think we’re lost.”

“You deserve so much better.”

“I knew this was a bad idea.”

“I’m lost without you.”

“This is going to hurt.”

“I feel stupid.”

“I know you’re not talking to me…”

“What’s in it for me?”

“You’re everything to me.”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“I didn’t want you to see this.”

“You’re safe now.”

“Are you going to talk to me?”

“You know me too well.”

“[text read thirty minutes ago]”

“I never want to see you again.”

“I know you lied to me.”

“Do you promise?”

“You know i’m not like that.”

“Am I dead?”

“It’s not what it looks like.”

“Do you ever mean the things you say?”

“I can take care of myself just fine.”

“You got this.”

“What are you hiding?”

“There is nothing wrong with you.”

“You’re sick.”

“I don’t know anyone else who can make me feel this way.”

“There is only one bed.”

“I can’t see anything.”

“How dare you?!”

“I’m sorry I scared you, I didn’t mean to.”

“I’m not even sorry.”

“can we just stay in bed?”

“That was kind of hot.”

“But I thought you liked this?”

“You… you never had a problem with it before.”

“I know it hurts.”

“What did you say?”

“How long will this go on for?”

“I’m just tired.”

“What have you’ve done?”

“Go back to sleep.”

More Prompts...:

Angst

“All I wanted was a happy ending.”

“Mistakes are easily made in the moment. Apologies are not.”

“I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

“My emotions have been turbulent for so long, I’m not sure how to react.”

“My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.”

“I don’t want material belongings! I want my heart back!”

“Until you can return the time I wasted on you, I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“Grief is natural they say. So is death. I don’t want either.”

“You can’t look pretty and dangerous at the same time. Not yet.”

“Kill everything dear to you and then you will know how it feels.”

“I don’t hold people close. It makes it easier for them to hurt you.”

“Don’t touch me. Your skin is poison.”

“Why won’t he/she/they call?”

“I’m dreading her/his/their call, I’m not ready.”

“I don’t like this, it feels weird.”

“Kill my feelings, kill my soul. Kill everything I am.”

“Don’t call me, I don’t want any contact with you.”

“Please don’t talk to me, I’m dealing with some stuff.”

“It’s not working out. We’re not working out.”

“Hey, I’m leaving for good. I’ll…see you around.”

Fluff

“I want to eat a yoghurt with you.”

“Can we make cake? I like cake.”

“I like your rainbow shoes.”

Please hold me. It’s been a day.”

“I’ve never felt such love.”

“The moon is high tonight, it frames you well.”

“I want to dance through an army of fireflies with you.”

“Stars pale in comparison to you.”

“My heart hurts when I see you and I find myself drunk on the pain.”

“I would give up everything for the chance to see your laugh again.”

“Monster Inc. was onto something, your smile and laughter runs my entire world.”

“I dedicated this nail to you, when I painted them.”

“All I want is to sleep by your side.”

“Cover me in badges of your love.”

“I’ve never enjoyed anything more than a hug from you.”

“You look yummy.”

“My hand was made to fit into yours. That’s all there is to it.”

“I didn’t get soaked wet through walking to your house for you to say no to pizza. I have beer too. I know you’re sad, so let me in.”

“This might sound so creepy but I want your skin. It’s so pretty.”

“You just dropped love into my heart and that’s all I needed.”

Soulmates

“It was a matter of time before we got together.”

“My soul sings when it feels you.”

“Please, please hold my hand, and make me whole.”

“My life missed yours forever.”

“If my soul had been cut in half at birth, it would have gone to you.”

“We’re two bodies with one soul only.”

“I couldn’t imagine my future without you now that I have you.”

“I feel like I’ve died now he’s/she’s/they’re gone.”

“Please take my soul and never let go.”

“I’ve never seen colour like I do with you.”

“All my soul yearns for is your presence.”

“We can’t win. Either I have you and my soul sings but your cries, or we’re apart and your soul rejoices but mine dies.”

“Time is what we don’t have, but you are what I need.”

“I didn’t think I could find someone as perfectly matched as you.”

“Please treat me with kid gloves, my soul can’t take much more.”

“Soulmates don’t have to be romantic. Sometimes your soul resonates with a friend.”

“This existence would mean little without you.”

“Why try to force it? If we’re truly soulmates, it’ll happen.”

“Please keep me close until the close of the final day.”

“Everything about you is amazing to me.”

Friendship Specifically

“Wow, that is a ridiculously bug watermelon. I love it.”

“Let’s drink wine and trash talk our co-workers.”

“What do you mean you’re sick?! You’re my partner in crime!”

Best friends are a rare breed and you are the best of best friends.”

“Everyone’s out on dates, want to each ice cream and binge watch (insert TV show/movie).”

“I’m here for you. I got your back.”

“Thank God for the internet. I don’t know how I’d live without you.”

“I’m the pun-master, you’ll miss me when I’m gone.”

“No one understands the effort of a long distant friendship.”

“They don’t approve of our friendship, but I don’t need them too.”

“In the end we migrate towards comfort. I am my most comfortable around you.”

“Why date when you can spend the night with me watching shitty TV and drinking.”

“Never underestimate friendship.”

“If you quote Yu-Gi-Oh’s power of friendship one more time I will kill you.”

“Even if we don’t talk for days, I’ll always be your best friend.”

“You can take as many breaks as you need.”

“Friendships can be difficult, but those that survive are magical ones.”

“You know I will be with you forever. Friends until the end.”

If they try to keep us apart, they’re idiots.”

“There’s nothing like a boys/girls/friends night.”

I would really appreciate anyone helping out. My writing definitely isn’t the best but i hope whatever I write for any of you; you will enjoy and feel it will be worth it. Even if you’re not interested, a reblog would be much appreciated!!

Thank you :)

Maria <3

#bts fanfction #bts x reader #comisionwork #hobiwonder

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19crows · 4 years

Text

The Lies of Locke Lamora - Scott Lynch

SPOILER WARNING!

Don’t know if any one will actually see this but I can never find collections of quotes including page numbers. I figured since I’m stuck in self-isolation, and incredibly bored, I’d make a collection for a few of my favourite books as I read them again. These are quotes and scenes that are my favourites (impact, emotion, etc).

‘Ila justicca vei cala’

‘I’ve got kids that enjoy stealing. I’ve got kids that don’t think about stealing one way or another, and I’ve got kids that just tolerate stealing because they know they’ve got nothing else to do. But nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever been hungry for it like this boy. If he had a bloody gash across his throat and a physiker was trying to sew it up, Lamora would steal the needle and thread and die laughing. He... steals too much.’ (pg 12)

‘There are only three people in life you can never fool - pawnbrokers, whores, and your mother. Since your mother’s dead, I’ve taken her place. Hence, I’m bullshit-proof.’ (pg 27)

‘Locke Lamora’s rule of thumb was this - a good confidence game took three months to plan, three weeks to rehearse, and three seconds to win or lose the victim’s trust forever. This time around, he planned to spend those three seconds getting strangled.’ (pg 31)

‘Locke is our brother and our love for him has no bounds. But the four most fatal words in the Therin language are “Locke would appreciate it.”’ ‘Rivalled only by ‘Locke taught me a new trick,”’ added Galdo. ‘The only person who gets away with Locke Lamora games...’ ‘...is Locke...’ ‘...because we think the gods are saving him up for a really big death. Something with knives and hot irons...’ ‘...and fifty thousand cheering spectators.’ (pg 62)

‘Unbelievable! Taken in so fast, by such a simple trick. Well, my father used to say that one moment of misjudgment at the Revel is worth ten at any other time.’ (pg 89)

‘What kind of knife is this?’ Locke held a rounded buttering utensil up for Chains’ inspection. ‘It’s all wrong. You couldn’t kill anyone with this.’ (pg 99)

‘I only steal because my dear old family needs the money to live!’ ‘Liar!’ ‘I only steal because this wicked world won’t let me work an honest trade!’ 'LIAR!' ‘I only steal because I have to support my poor lazy twin brother, whose indolence broke our mother’s heart!’ ‘LIAR!’ ‘I only steal because I’ve temporarily fallen in with bad company. ‘LIAR!’ ‘I only steal because it’s heaps of fucking fun!’ ‘BASTARD!’ (pg 107)

‘You’re one third bad intentions, one third pure avarice, and one eighth sawdust. What’s left, I’ll credit, must be brains.’ (pg 118)

‘Well, this is the damnedest damn thing that ever dammed things up for us.’ (pg 181)

‘And let me emphasize that you can’t make the corpse yourself.’ (pg 188)

‘Nice bird, arsehole.’ (pg 214)

‘So eat hemp and shit rope, Bondsmage.’ (pg 214)

‘Gods! You’re quiet!’ ‘Not all the time,’ Locke stepped to within a few feet of the larger boy. ‘I can be very loud, when I’m being stupid.’ (pg 234)

‘Beer now, bitch later.’ (pg 251)

‘That fucker,’ Jean’s hands balled into fists. ‘I could do so much to him, without killing him. I very much hope I get to try.’ (pg 251)

‘There are a few things I want to ask him[the Grey King]. Philosophical questions. Like, “How does it feel to be dangled out a window by a rope tied around your balls, motherfucker?”’ (pg 275)

‘This is a fantastically silly moment to start giving a shit.’ (pg 276)

‘Hold it!’ Locke cried, waving both of his hands. ‘Whoa! I know what this looks like, but you’ve got the wrong idea, friend.’ He pointed at the petrified woman clinging to the hanging bed. ‘She came before we came!' (pg 280)

‘For the love of the gods, madam,’ snapped Locke, ‘can you please pick one man in your bedroom to cheer for and stick with him?’ (pg 280)

‘It’s not polite to hit girls.’ ‘It’s even less polite to hit my friends.’ (pg 308)

‘Many things are commonly thought, but perhaps not commonly thought all the way through.’ (pg 319)

‘Calo and Galdo lay beside it, on their backs, staring up in the semi-darkness. Their throats were slashed from ear to ear, a pair of smooth gashes - identical twin wounds.’ (pg 342)

‘The things I could do to you if I were to stitch your true name.’ (pg 343)

‘You brave little idiot. You brave, stupid little bastard. This is my fault, Bug, please... please say this is all my fault.' (pg 346)

‘I promise you a death-offering, brothers,’ Locke whispered when he’d finished. ‘I promise you an offering that will make the gods take notice. An offering that will make the shades of all the Dukes and Capas of Camorr feel like paupers. An offering in blood and gold and fire. This I swear by Aza Guilla who gathers us, and by Perelando who sheltered us, and by the Crooked Warden who places his finger on the scale when our souls are weighed. This I swear to Chains, who kept us safe. I beg forgiveness that I failed to do the same.’ (pg 348)

‘I’ll do more than that. Whatever he’s planning, I will unmake it. Whatever he desires, I will destroy it. Every reason you came down here to murder my friends will evaporate. Every Grey King’s man will die for nothing, starting with you.’ (pg 349)

‘When you see the Crooked Warden,’ said Locke, twisting something in his hands, ‘tell him that Locke Lamora learns slowly, but he learns well. And when you see my friends, you tell them that there are more of you on the way.’ (pg 350)

‘I’m only good at breaking people; I don’t put them back together.’ (pg 385)

‘You have a plan?’ ‘No,’ said Locke. ‘Not even a speck of one. Not the damnedest idea. But don’t all my better schemes start like this? I’ll find an opening, somehow… and then I suppose I’ll be rash.’ (pg 398)

‘Crooked Warden,’ he whispered, ‘I’m going into this counting house and I’m going to come out with what I need. I’d like your aid. And if I don’t get it, well, to hell with you. I’ll come out with what I need anyway.’ (pg 402)

‘You’re bleeding hard, Tannen. You won’t live out the night, you fucking bastard.’ ‘That’s Gentleman Bastard,’ he said. ‘And there’s a chance I won’t. But you know what? Calo and Galdo Sanza are laughing at you, bitch.’ (pg 440)

‘...I’d be very curious to hear just where I fucked up and tipped you off.’ (pg 470)

‘I am the Idiot King,’ he muttered, ‘of all the world’s fucking idiots.’ (pg 470)

‘That shape you saw, darting out from the tower? Bird. Biggest gods-damned bird you ever saw… It was a bird, right?’ ‘Biggest gods-damned bird we ever saw.’ (pg 472)

‘Locke smiled the cruellest smile he’d ever worn in his entire life as he rose to his feet.’(pg 479)

‘Just one question, you arrogant fucking cocksucker,’ said Locke. ‘I’ll grant the Lamora part is easy to spot… But what the fuck,’ he said slowly, ‘ever gave you the fucking idea that Locke was the first name I was actually born with?’ (pg 480)

‘I’m not going to kill you,’ said Locke. ‘I’m going to play a little game I like to call “Scream in pain until you answer my fucking questions.”’ (pg 481)

‘Because I tied that Bondsmage to the floor just an hour or two ago...I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he’d confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized… I called him an arsehole, too. He didn’t like that.’ (pg 497)

‘Aza Guilla,’ Locke whispered, ‘give me justice for the death of my friends. Give me blood for the death of my brothers.’ (pg 515)

‘I don’t have to beat you, motherfucker. I just have to keep you here… until Jean shows up.’ (pg 517)

‘So this is revenge.’ ‘It is.’ ‘It’s a shit business.’ (pg 519)

‘Some day, Locke Lamora,’ he said, ‘some day, you’re going to fuck up so magnificently, so ambitiously, so overwhelmingly that the sky will light up and the moons will spin and the gods themselves will shit comets with glee. And I just hope I’m still around to see it.’ ‘Oh, please,’ said Locke. ‘It’ll never happen.’ (pg 521)

#lies of locke lamora #locke lamora #calo and galdo #book quotes #quote #gentleman bastards #scott lynch

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gracie-p8-officialblog · 5 years

Text

Spilling Tea On Phantom of the Opera 2004

DISCLAIMER: I just want to say from the start that it is not my intention to offendanyone, you're entitled to your opinions and I'm allowed to have mine...

Ok, so, I just watched this movie a few days ago on my laptop and it was pretty much my first time sitting through the movie. I watched a few clips of the movie on YouTube but... Then, I decided to watch the whole movie. And this was my reaction.

Don't get me wrong! There WERE parts I liked but... That was just half of the movie... But overall... Um... It was meh. Ahem. Down to business!

My opinion on Gerard Butler as the Phantom? Um, wow. And not in a good way. I feel like this was a case of a talented performer being grossly miscast as the Phantom. I think this Tumblr post best describes on what I thought of his singing.

"He's supposed to have the voice of an angel, but it sounds like he's been gargling vinegar" ~Quoted by @faded-florals

Don't get me wrong. His voice is quite good for an untrained singer but... The Phantom is one of the biggest musical theatre roles of all time! It's right up there with Jean Valjean. It's really not a role that could go a competent singer, someone who's never sang professionally before but could be good once they've been trained up a bit. The role demands a truly great singer... And he wasn't right for the part.

His voice felt too strainy, growly and rock-ish for the Phantom. I didn't like how Joel Schumacher bought into the whole "sexy Phantom" thing and cast a hunky heart-throb, who was nowhere near disfigured enough. It's meant to be a gothic thriller novel with a small romantic subplot, not a B-grade vampire romance movie!

As for Emmy Rossum as Miss Christine Daae... it's true, her voice is good. She should know though, should she wish to excel, she has MUCH still to learn (Heeeeehee. Sorry. Couldn't resist.)

Emmy's Christine had little-to-no character growth and personality but I don't think it reflects her as an actress, but reflects more on the director and casting director because of how young she was (but more on that later)

Not only that, her Christine was SIGNIFICANTLY dumbed down and oversexualized. I mean, the entire point of the story is that Christine grows strong enough to overcome the trauma of an abusive relationship and make sure that her abuser never hurts anyone ever again but still shows the Phantom compassion and sympathy. I mean, her story arc is her becoming strong-willed enough to overcome the Phantom's pull/spell/enchantment/hypnosis or whatever you percieve it as on her! And don't get me started on her costumes because of the SEVERE lack of modesty.

The chemistry was a little flat because she was underage and her two male love interests were both in their 30s (which totally isn't HER fault, of course, but the directors could easily have cast someone else older)

Her voice, too, strikes me as being much too young and undeveloped. She has a very pretty, sweet-sounding quality to her singing but she doesn't sound rich and operatic enough to be a convincing Christine. Rebecca Caine and Amy Manford do the best job of singing the way I think Christine ought to sound- a maturing opera voice! Though POTO is NOT an opera (you wouldn't believe how many people actually think it is...), it does revolve around opera, and Christine is an opera singer, not a pop star.

And now onto... Everyone's favourite vicomte!!!!!!

C'mon people, put your bottles down. It is a truth universally acknowledged (or at least in the wee Raoul Defense Squad Circle) that Raoul is one of the greatest and most underrated boyfriends to ever exist in musical theatre and it's almost impossible to hate him because of how relatable he is.

Ladies, puh-leeze. He's much more relatable than you admit and face it, we all have a little bit of Raoul in us. Failure to see things staring us in the face, saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, having a 'see it to believe it' attitude when we have little-to-no evidence on something... yeah, don't pretend you don't see a trend. Raoul is relatable whether we want him to be or not.

My thoughts on Patrick Wilson as Raoul, he was one of the few redeeming qualities of this not so great movie. Yeah, the swordfight and Tarzan leaps were a little too much but can you blame him?! And though I feel like that foppish wig made him look more like a magic elf prince than a vicomte, he couldn't control that!

His Raoul was so gentle and caring! Yeah, his acting was a bit stiff but at least his voice wasn't a chore to listen to, it has this warm, tender, comforting quality to it which suits Raoul. I really loved the way he sang "Don't throw away your life for my sake" and "I fought so hard to free you" in the Final Lair (😭😭😭) It feels like Raoul is genuinely apologising to Christine.

I know, I know... The Hadley Fraser fans are approaching with menacing expressions as we speak but let me clarify. I still think Hadley is amazing but... His Raoul kinda felt a little too shouty for me and his Raoul was closer to the LND-canon than POTO-canon (not his fault though).

Miranda Richardson (aka. Rita Skeeter) as Madame Giry is kind of weird. I mean, I know Madame Giry's supposed to be a little Strange and Mysterious. But this Mme. wasn't really Strange or Mysterious at all, or even slightly Spooky at all. She was just kind of an oddball. Popping up in random places to give warnings about the Phantom and looking at people as if she were questioning their life choices or something. As for her daughter... well, Jennifer Ellison's Meg was so-so. She's got a sweet-sounding voice and that added scene where she looked for Christine in the lair was a nice touch... But... Her Meg was kinda forgettable and uninteresting. Meg is supposed to prance around shrieking that the Phantom of the Opera is here, not whisper it in a blase manner that you half expect to be followed up with, "by the way, what's for lunch?" Not to mention, she rivaled Christine as far as low-necked costumes went.

Minnie Driver as Carlotta was spot on! Yes, I know she didn't sing the score but her acting was alright. She was very over-the-top and self-centered, which is great for Carlotta, but I felt her portrayal was a little too childish to be accurate. Carlotta is a successful middle-aged diva who's willing to scream and storm when she doesn't get her way, but she isn't a two-year-old pouting and throwing tantrums. (Yes, there's a difference.)

Ciaran Hinds and Simon Callow played Firmin and Andre, respectively. Their managers kinda felt like twits and nothing more. Also, Firmin's masquerade costume was ridiculous. The stupid kind, not the funny kind. ...Well, okay, it was a little funny.

I'm not going to touch on every song here, but I will say that "Hannibal" was beyond awful (if you thought the costumes in the stage version were a bit risque, you should see the movie ones- no, actually you shouldn't) and that "Think of Me," while very nice, was not particularly memorable. Christine's dress, however (despite its less-than-ideal neckline) was GORGEOUS, even though it looks completely out of place in a musical that supposedly takes place in ancient Alexandria.

"Little Lotte" kinda lost its charm by being spoken instead of sung. And Gerard Butler's voice in "The Mirror" was too rough and raspy for my ears and made me cringe in sympathetic shame. The title song was like a cheesy, campy B-grade horror movie tbh, trying way too hard to be spooky and chilling ("ooh, look, Phantom's Lair! It's DARK and SCARY down here!") and succeeding only in being cringeworthy. Not that I've actually ever seen a bad horror movie- or any horror movie at all, for that matter. Unless you count this one.

Christine's costume, too, annoyed me no end. She was basically wearing a corset and drawers under the dressing gown. *facepalm* The dressing gown is supposed to go OVER your COSTUME to keep it CLEAN, peeps. It's not a BATHROBE. And the amount of eye makeup she had on would terrify a raccoon. Yikes.

Though I liked the random horse because of its nod to the Leroux novel.

"Music of the Night" was so blah-slash-touchy-feely that it made me summarily uncomfortable.

I'd like to be able to say something nice about "I remember/Stranger than you dreamt it" but I have none. One thing that bugged me to no end was how Christine is no longer wearing stockings, like dude, that gives some GROSS implications. Anyways, let's skip to Il Muto!

Oh, but first I should say that "Notes" was rather a flop and that "Prima Donna" is unmemorable and indeed should probably be fast-forwarded as there's a rather unsavory bit involving a crew member showing the audience what he thinks of Carlotta's behaviour.

"Il Muto," I must say, was pretty doggone funny. Carlotta's "Your part is silent. Leetle toad," cracked me up into a bunch of giggling little pieces, and the little vignette of the Phantom tinkering with Carlotta's throat spray made her croaking later on a lot more believable.

Now for "All I Ask Of You", SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! I honestly can't understand how anyone could listen to this song and still maintain that Christine and Raoul don't belong together. He represents everything she needs- stability, protection, a guiding hand and affirmed affection. She represents everything he needs, in turn- someone to show affection to and his childhood friend.

One thing I definitely think could have been left out was the scene in which Erik kills Buquet- we totally did not need to see him being chased, terrified, through the rafters and finally strangled. Gross.

And the Phantom and his rose crouching behind that statue... I think this was supposed to be sad, but there was too much snot mixed with tears for it to be sad. It was, again, gross. So was Gerard Butler's pathetic attempt at the "all that the Phantom asked of you" line. And the lack of a chandelier crash in that scene made the song anticlimactic.

And "Masquerade" was so-so but... The Phantom's entrance is anticlimactic somehow, and his Red Death costume (if indeed it's supposed to even BE the Red Death) is unimpressive. I don't like how Raoul just runs off to desert Christine as soon as things start looking ugly (yes, I realize he was going to get his sword, but still... something could have happened to her while he was gone. Duh, did this guy learn anything from "Little Lotte/The Mirror"? Just sayin)

As for Madame Giry's flashback immediately following, I like how it gives us some of the Phantom's backstory, but it seems really abrupt. You don't even realize until she's done that she was talking to Raoul the whole time- it sounds like she's just randomly reminiscing about Stuff, and if you didn't know the story you might be sitting there thinking, "who is this strange woman again?"

Also, Christine leaving wherever-it-is at, like, five in the morning to go to who-knows-where, completely oblivious to the fact that the Phantom is driving her. Whaaaaaaaaa? How'd he know she was planning to go for a graveyard stroll? Was he watching her through the mirror again? THAT'S JUST CREEPY.

"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" was rather mediocre and dulled down the fact that it is a Christine Empowerment™ song. Why, exactly, does Christine's father have the biggest monument in the cemetery? If he were a rich and famous violinist as his crypt seems to suggest, why on earth was his daughter struggling along as a chorus girl taking free music lessons?

The swordfight... Well... I had mixed feelings about it. Sword fights are all well and good, but... The swordfight takes away the element of mysterious danger to the Phantom. Okay, fine, Christine getting Raoul to spare the Phantom's life is a nice touch, I guess, but did it strike no one else that his "now let it be war upon you BOTH" makes absolutely NO sense after that? If she just saved his life, why would he suddenly be all, "thanks, but no thanks, I'M GOING TO MURDER YOUUUUUUUUUU"?

And "Twisted Every Way" was after "Wishing" which made ZERO sense. Plus, I didn't like how they cut most of it because in the musical, it gave Christine a spine!

"Point of No Return"? Hooooooo boy....... There are so many things wrong with this number. Let's just a list a few.

*HOW did no one recognise the Phantom through his "disguise"?! At least in the stage play, it made more sense because of how he was wearing a cloak that obscured most of his body.

*Christine's sleeves falling down over and over again were REALLY annoying.

*It was just too touchy-feely for my taste.

*The fact that Emmy Rossum was a teenager during filming made this scene gross because of the way they oversexualized Christine in this scene.

*Gerard Butler's voice in that scene made me cringe and shake my head in sympathetic shame.

*In the stage play, Christine ran from him, showing her own agenda and resistance to his pull! While in the movie, she didn't resist him!

*Now for the one that took the cake... The disfigurement! Or it would be a disfigurement if it actually made him look, y'know, deformed. Instead, as several people have put it, he looks like he got a bad sunburn or something. It's really rather pathetic. It makes him look more like a drama queen than he already is! Yeah.... I really don't like this movie.

On to... Final Lair!!!!!!!! It was a flop. From Raoul's whining and flailing around and his stringy hair flopping about (shallow complaint, I know, but it's so ugly) to Christine's sappy melodramatic "don't make me choooooooose" faces to the Phantom's prancing around with his ropes and maniacal laughter that somehow wasn't really scary at all... yeah, it was a flop. A major, major flop. And though The Kiss wasn't all that bad, all I could think of was, "She's SIXTEEN! SIX! TEEN! THIS IS CREEPY, DISTURBING AND GROSS!"

Which is why it's so difficult for me to admit that, um, I... cried at the end.

I COULDN'T HELP IT GUYS HE WAS ALL ALONE THERE IN HIS LAKE WITH HIS MONKEY AND HIS SMASHED MIRRORS AND HE WAS CRYING AND IT WAS SAD.

And then that rose on the gravestone? That single red rose? And the look on Old Raoul's face (still Patrick Wilson, by the way, under all that makeup) when he saw it and realized he wasn't the only one visiting Christine's grave? Yup, I lost it again there, too. And I really didn't want to. Because I tend to cry over movies I love, y'know? And I didn't love this movie. At all

Yet I still cried at the end. I'm not really sure why. I think perhaps it had something to do with the way the story still "got" me, deep down inside, despite the lousy casting and less-than-perfect singing and ridiculously unnecessary elements that totally didn't need to be there. It's still a tragically beautiful romance, and even a bad film can't kill that.

In conclusion, I think Mary Poppins can best express what I thought of POTO 2004.

In conclusion, I rate it a 2.7/5

#Grace spills tea #grace speaks #poto 2004 #phantom of the opera musical #phantom of the opera #the phantom of the opera #Phantom of the opera 2004 #movie review #my reviews

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soldierallen · 5 years

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Married. 12

Tagged @hiddlestonstansworld @lovely-geek @imcalledflorence @misz-adrii @escapistdreamer-wishfulthinker @someplxce @cuddlesforlashton @coffeebooksandfandomsohmy @weasley16 @ilovethewayyourheartbeats @vogueworthy-barnes @xeniarocks @thisismysecrethappyplace @racheo91 @gravedollie666 @inlovewith3 @supernaturaldean67 // if anyone wants to be untagged or tagged please leave a message ty♡ also I do not own any gifs or images of any kind.

Warnings: some casual crying, arguing, and a little - romance

Reminder: also a few things from previous chapters will come up!

Part 11:

Appearances: Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Henry Cavill, Chase Crawford, Morena Baccarin, Alexandria Daddario,

Her interview was going well chase was well respected and she respected him the way he held himself in the midst though she was extremely nervous.

"Thank you for your time mr crawford, and I can't believe you're with elena shes been a good friend to me for so long" she smiled shaking his hand he stood up "thank you for coming i appreciate the work you do having someone like you on this team would be a delight, elena is a good women any friend of hers is a friend of mine" he smiled, he was gorgeous she thanked him once more and she opened that big door that was extremely heavy might I add, she looked out into the office waiting room stood sat sebastian he immediately stood up to see her walking up to her quickly "so?" He rubbed his hands together waiting for the news

"I'm pretty sure I got it" She said squealing he laughed hugging her tightly "oh bug I knew you could do it I just knew it!" His hands on her biceps she was excited her life was getting back on track all because of seb, "it's like faith brought me here first elena than chase has a deal with a guy at BlackRock YOU I mean the pieces are falling together" She said with a huge smile on her face, her smile fell thinking of the shitty news shes going to tell sebastian "hey can we talk for a minute?" He nodded

"Henry doesn't like us being friendly" she air quoted the friendly bit, sebastian nodded "I don't wanna stay away from you - you mean too much to me I just need there to be boundaries about us as in-" she took a deep breath "I'm living with Henry now" sebastian was shocked "you're living with him after he told you?" Sebastian said she was more confused than ever

"Told me what"

"About the kid?" He said slowly, he knew Henry never told her or the rest of them for that matter. they kept a big secret from her he's not gonna let that slide anymore sebastian was tired of keeping secrets even if it wasn't his secret to keep..

"Seb what are you saying right now?" She felt her heart getting quicker "it's none of my business-" sebastian said whilst being cut off by a hand tugging on his shirt "you're the only person I trust right now don't make me over think it"

"Morena's pregnant, and everyone's sure it's Henry's he just wont admit to it" he felt like a snake, betraying his best friend- but y/n was his best friend too

"I'm gonna KILL HIM" her adrenaline coursing through her veins she felt angry

"No it wasn't my place to say anything we've known about it for months it was between the four of us" what he said made her angrier she stormed out of the lobby hitting the streets- she looked around for a cab near by sebastian ran after her "doll what are you doing"

"What does it look like I'm doing" she pushed the hair out of her mouth quickly "he's getting a piece of me" she hailed the cab and sebastian jumped in her hands shook, he wanted to ruin it for Henry because well Henry didn't deserve her and I don't deserve her neither - however at least I didn't keep something like this from her.

he was in love with her he wanted to marry her. All along hes lied to her countless of times that he wasn't interested he didn't want her when he was lying the whole time.

"doll slow down" his hand crept up on her thigh "how could you all LIE TO ME" she shouted being angry warm fuzzy feeling in her stomach alerted her what was making her feel like that? His hand on her skin the small light touches of his finger tips sweeping across her thigh.

"it wasn't our place to say anything." He kept his word, a phone call from sebastian's phone he looked at it, it was Henry. "Is that him?" She asked and he swallowed "answer it on speaker" "Hey" he answered holding the phone in the palm of his hand so she could hear the speaker turn on

"seb I called your office they said you skipped work today? For a special occasion?" her heart shuttered knowing he skipped coming in to be with her, he always did stuff like that she just thought he's being my friend I'm always just going to be his friend she looked at him with a bit of dreamy eyes and slowly she stopped herself coming back to reality that Henry was going to be a father.

"Yeah everything went great" he smiled to himself and she saw his smile "listen Henry where are you?" He asked

"Well I was calling you for a drink me and the guys are at that bar" he said with a laugh

"Oh okay I'll meet you there" he hung up "y/n let's not do this in public it's bad press" he said trying to lighten the mood and she didnt take note to it, "sebastian this isn't funny I'm being lied to for 8 fucking months without a soul telling me otherwise that Henry's going to be a father"

"Hey can you make a right here" sebastian said while she was talking

"I can't fucking believe it" she crossed her arms over her chest spreading her legs like a little kid would when they would have a tantrum, then finally arrived to "Jameson's room" a stuffy bar with a pool table

"Seb glad you cou-" Anthony said as he saw who walked in behind him, y/n.

"Hey baby what are you doing here" Henry smiled ready to grab her hand and kiss her cheek lovingly when he saw her face

"Can I speak to you outside?" She tried to make it sound like she wasn't so angry but it came out worse

"Darling what's wrong?" He got up from the stool slowly about to grab her hand she pulled away "woah alright what the hell?" He was offended "outside now" "no whatever you want to say you can say it here" "I don't think that's a good idea" sebastian interjected "SEB" she said he held his hands up in defense taking a step back

"Okay let's talk right here! you got Morena pregnant and didn't even THINK to tell me you're going to be a father?" she felt like the whole room went quiet Chris turned pale as did Anthony their blood ran cold.

"How did you find out" Henry said he was shaking he was scared, God she's never seen him like that. He knew in his heart this is going to set her off it's over.

"It doesn't matter, but what does matter is I've poured my heart out my soul my bank account to all of you, and you kept this secret from me letting me start to date you when you had you're own SHIT to deal with, I was going through a hard enough time getting over sebastian and his fucking marriage you swept me off my feet making me feel whole again" she felt a tear form she quickly stopped herself

"I called Morena she told me herself she was the women you were having sex with at the hotel am I right or wrong?" She lied she never called Morena she just wants to know if the pieces match up. Henry cleared his throat "yeah" "you know Henry you said to me not so long ago We need you happy we need you healthy you are only hurting yourself, but in the long run you've been hurting me this entire time" she shallowed back her tears

"I trusted you, I trusted Chris, I trusted Anthony- you know I thought for once things were different this time and you would stop lying to me stop keeping secrets from me but no, it's still happening."

with that she opened the bar door leaving out of their lives "doll" sebastian ran after her, Henry now suspicious he runs right after him.

"Sebastian I can't look at you" she was already crying he was steps away from her she was looking at the sky her back was turned, he knew she was happy today however he couldn't let Henry have her because of what he did.

"I said I was happy for you when you chose Henry- for 10 minutes, I took a girl up to my room I pulled her clothes off and I kissed her I thought maybe she would fill the void like I always do." Seb yelled out from afar

"And I knew she wasn't you, nobody was you, that night we sat on the hood of my car, we talked about how lifes been treating us since the move, and I couldn't get you out of my head when i went home I should've seen it all before but it was my fault" she turned to look at him

"I almost got married to a women I hate because i thought i was in love with her because she filled the void for the first time i was amazed by infatuation" Henry's heart was beating so loud in his ears he felt a sudden pressure in his head hearing these words come out of his friends mouth.

"I lied, we all did, because we thought he was gonna tell you we begged him for months to say anything. He never said a word that isn't on me or Chris or Anthony it's on Henry"

"do not turn your back on us" she felt tears form in her eyes once again, she quickly tried to stop herself

"I trusted you God I trusted all of you! I thought we were done with secrets when we caught her cheating on you, where were you when I needed you when I was in my darkest moment" she argued she pushed his chest over and over he took it he deserved it "he's here now please don't turn your back on me" he whispered so softly and in his gentlesy voice she finally broke down in his arms they got closer to the ground every couple seconds until they were both hugging sitting on the side of the pavement cars passing along not knowing what was unfolding on the streets, mindless.

"As soon as he walked in with her I knew, just something in my gut said sebastian told her everything" Henry sipped out of his beer, playing with the small coaster underneath "his finally got her, by default." He sipped his beer and with a disgusted look on his face he grabbed his jacket and left

her head in his chest, his hand cradling the back of her head his lips pressed against the top, "I'm still mad at you" she said tears streaming down her face "I know it's okay, I'm not looking for forgiveness I'm looking to be apart of your life again maybe it wi take you years to forgive me and I'm just gonna have to wait for you like you've waited for me." he kissed her hair and they untangled themselves from each other "I'm gonna get us a cab sleep over tomorrow we'll search for an apartment" he lend her a hand to stand up and she took it "you know I'm tired of crying over you" she tried to lighten her mood, he gave a sad smile and hugged her side "I'm sorry for all the tears doll" he wiped them for her they grabbed a cab and headed off to his apartment,

She was in his room, he opened his draws and looked for clothes for her just until tomorrow he side eyed her every move she looked around his room, her fingers caressing his picture frames "when was this" she asked he looked at her, it was a photo of all of them in front the fireplace at Anthony's house, her head laid on sebastian's shoulder and the other three boys laughing at something, she' never saw this photo until today.

"remember we all went to that football game and it started to pour Anthony's house was the closest to the school we got soaked and spent the night at his place" he said packing a shirt for her and sweatpants which were incredibly loose

"Oh yeah I forgot about that night, Anthony's mom took that picture, i miss her" she remembered and smiled to herself she got closer to sebastian as he handed her the clothes

"thanks for letting me crash here, I'll be out of your hair" she said about to walk out the room her back turned to open the door "what if you don't crash here" he shut one eye with his face scrunched up

"Sebastian I cant-" his face relaxed he shushed her "let me finish, pay rent to me same rent you paid in your shit apartment you have your own room you can share an office with me kitchen bathroom oh the backyard you lost your virginity in" he smiled at the last part and she came closer to him so she could hit him in the shoulder which made her laugh slightly his eyes were glued to her smile

"Hows it sound?" He desperately awaited her reply

"I don't know.." she didn't want to live with anyone she wanted to be alone but maybe it's better to live with sebastian? Living with Henry I was living with a boyfriend if I live with seb... it's my best friend hes like my roommate..

"You don't have to make the decision now of course" he reassured her, "give me some time I'll think about it".

It's been a few days her crashing with sebastian she hasn't spoken to chris anthony or henry but at least she saw Henry when she picked up all of her stuff he looked drained, however he was happy and she knew he was happy- "y/n can I talk to you" morena said as she sat in the frame of the door sebastian looked at her and she looked at sebastian

"okay?" She said and a sudden arm pulled her back a little "be careful don't anger the pregnant women" he whispered, she walked away with Morena

"Listen I know things are bad between you and Henry but he loves you he always has don't cut him out of your life for a lie just because he didnt want you to look at him differently, come to Christmas dinner everyone is coming bring sebastian make amends" she was being nice and sweet how could she even argue "Morena I don't know it's strange now i can't come to terms with being friends with Henry after all that..." she said Morena nodded "okay there's a seat open for you, come if you'd like" she said going to Henry in the kitchen she walked back into the bed room with seb "what was that?" Sebastian whispered "she invited me to Christmas dinner" she whispered back

"Are you going?" He whispered taping a box shut

"No" he nodded taking the last box out to the car, she came in the kitchen morena was talking to Henry, Henry stopped looking in her direction looking right at y/n and she turned as well

"Uh well that's all of it...I'll see you sometime h." she said

"y/n" she heard his voice for the first time in days, her eyes looked directly at him "are you...are you happy?" His voice seemed so groggy, "I am, I've always been" she walked out of the door she saw a big van sebastian leaning on the car a beanie covering his head his hands in gloves the snow flurries falling on his jacket "come on doll your chariot awaits" he laughed loudly she closed the door behind her, a new chapter it was starting..slowly

"Do you really want to do this right now?" She looked at sebastian dead in the eyes and he looked right back at her "is this a challenge y/n are you challenging me????" Sebastian said getting up off the paint splattered floor his hair had bits of dried paint his hands covered in it her shirt was covered in paint as well as her hands, whilst music played loudly they fought with white and grey paint he wiped it on her face which started the whole fiasco, and here we are two idiots who are desperately in love with each other covered in paint not thinking about what the future might hold or what about tomorrow, it's today and right now.

She tripped slightly over a paint brush on the floor he tried to grab her before she fell and they both fell side by side, they looked at the ceiling she got on top of him her legs are either side of him "I'm tired can we take a break?" Sebastian said laying on his back looking up at her

"Where do you expect me to sleep?" She said putting a little wet paint on his nose, she stood up and she gave him a hand up

"In my room duh?" He said she pushed his shoulder and he pushed hers, they finished up with the room and put all the furniture back and new furniture as well, that was hell to build she thought.

There was a knock at door, "hey doll can you get the door for me" sebastian said whilst washing his hands, she nodding going to the door.

Alex.

Will she ever go away?.

"Alexandria" she said

"Y/n" she said with a small laugh she was clearly annoyed that I had answered the door, "where's sebastian"

"None of your God damn business go home." as y/n was about to shut the door on her face she stuck her foot to block it from opening hitting y/n in the face with the door a freak accident

"What's going" sebastian said as he panicked from the loud noise of y/n's face hitting into the door as Alex was now in their home.

#sebastian stan #imagine #sebastian stan x reader #anthony mackie #chris evans #henry cavill x reader #sebastian stan fic #sebastian stan imagine #alexandra daddario

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storiansmane · 5 years

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Grantaire’s Modernized Rant

This is a rewrite of one of Grantaire’s drunken speeches from Les Misérables, in Chapter IV of Book Four–Les Amis de L’ABC, which has been modernized not only into current speech but also do to with current issues. I put quite a bit of effort into it, so enjoy!

~~<><><>~~

Grantaire, extremely drunk, had started ranting at the top of his lungs from the corner of the pub which he had taken over with his volume, shouting: "I'm bored!! I need alcohol, life fucking SUCKS!! It's all so POINTLESS and cheap and short and definitely hates me!! People always talk about wanting happiness, but I mean, how selfish and vain is that!? Hell, it was once said that "all is vanity", and I agree, even if that might not even be a real quote! If you have nothing else, at least you can think about how great you are! People use it to make everything seem so much more important than it is. A kitchen is a 'laboratory', a boxer is a 'pugilist', a doctor is an 'apothecary', even bugs have super extra Latin names!! It can be some good and some bad, I guess. The good is stupid, the verbal and mental equivalent of a participation award. 'You're alive, congratulations!!' The bad becomes too much and people can't stand to be around you. I'm annoyed with one and exhausted with the other. People don't take anything seriously anymore, entitlement leads to making a mockery and a joke of everything! Rich people complain about paying high taxes, happy people write songs about depression and loss and heartache; anything can be 'memed', no matter how serious! Go, then, and enjoy your quote-unquote 'edgy' humor! No one has any respect or integrity anymore. People in relationships cheat on each other, fights over stupid politics ruin friendships, it is our own fault that people die by their own hand! It's too bad I'm stupid, or I'd quote all kinds of ancient wisdom and facts and evidence to prove my point, but I don't know anything. I've always been too much of a smart-ass; when I was put in the most prestigious schools and classes, all I did was fuck around. What's the point of putting so much importance into those things, anyway? Being part of them doesn't make one person any better than another. So even if I'm stupid but privileged, I am fundamentally the same as an intelligent but unfortunate person. It's so fucked, everyone wants to be perfect and have all the best qualities. Every one of those good qualities can be made into bad ones by perspective! Frugality is underneath just greediness, generosity is just attention-seeking in disguise; bravery is an excuse to brag and the pious are also the bigoted. So which are we SUPPOSED to say and understand? Do we applaud the victor or the loser, the Allies or the Nazi's? You'd prefer the victor, right? Great, then I suppose we'll all applaud the corrupt officer who was VICTORIOUS over the unarmed teenager, as well! There's your positivity, but also insanity. That officer did what he did because of human prejudice, just as the Protestant burned the Pagan at the stake because of his prejudice against that which was different. History repeats itself, especially the grimmest generalities. The battle at Palmito Ranch mirrors the battle at Yorktown, the internment of Japanese-Americans inspires the imprisonment of immigrants. I don't see the cause for celebration of victory. You're arrogant for winning and weak for losing. Can nothing be one thing without also exhibiting traits of the other? I'm so done with the human race in general. You expect me to 'help people in need'; what people, then? Should I feed the hungry? What about the homeless, then? Which is more deserving of my help? It's a debate which could go on forever, senseless from the beginning! Our politicians are the reincarnations of the tyrannical emperors of the past, taken straight from our history textbooks. What does one have to do, anyway, to be considered important enough to make it into one of those books? I brush my teeth every day, but I can guarantee you that I'll never learn about the inventor of the toothbrush in my history class. No, instead I'll learn about some of the most horrible men who've ever lived and have done nothing to affect my life. And why? To avoid the repetition of history? Regardless of man's actions, such an outcome seems inevitable in every sense. Not to buy into stereotypes, but the liberal young hopefuls who put so much stock into these dated ideas will find themselves just as stuck. I mention stereotypes with the utmost authority, of course! They make up everything we think about our society on a daily basis! Your clothing, your speech, your actions, and your whereabouts decide for you what kind of person you must be to a thousand strangers a day, easily. Even those who claim to be non-judgemental, their opinions are affected by such stereotypes even if they deny it. Such assumptions are what our society functions on. And it can be beneficial in some situations, of course! A first-impression can warn one of a dangerous person, one to be cautious of, absolutely! It can give one a whole host of necessary information for dealing with a person in a social situation, yes, but can also cause one to miss out on a potentially vital opportunity which now will never be known. And the only thing which MOST PEOPLE will care about is, oh no, FOMO!! Yet this behavior and thinking will never change, no matter a person's intent to block it. It is human nature. You who claim not to judge books by their covers, might you be the uninformed while you claim your superiority to the cautious? And now that you consider that, SURPRISE, what I have just suggested is yet ANOTHER assumption! Even one made about yourself is one which makes you question what you know about your opinions, further proving my point. So what really is different between you and he who judges others by first visual or interactive impression all the same? Dammit, people, I'm telling you!! NOTHING IS DIFFERENT!! The whole human race has an eternal, genetic superiority complex and proves it every day! The other races of the earth are considered lesser races simply because we have taken over what is theirs and made it our own. I do not claim to be immune to such judgment and arrogance! I can acknowledge my faults, that I rely heavily on appearances when I need to! So why not crucify me now!? Where is my judge, jury, executioner!? Oh, so it is you, Louison. Hey, didn't see you there." So Grantaire, far drunker now (if that's possible), caught the girl as she passed just trying to bus the tables, and turned his ridiculous and never-ending rant on her. Bossuet leaned over and tried to clamp a hand over Grantaire's mouth to shut him up, but this started Grantaire off on an even worse rant: "Ugh, GET OFF ME! You're not gonna shut me up or calm me down, not while I'm speaking the truth to the masses, to anyone who will be smart enough to listen! I'm fine, you don't need to do that. I'm just sad. What do you want me to say? Humans are horrible, they just completely suck. Butterflies are great, but humans are failures. God fucked up with this one. You want to see something really screwed up, there's nothing more so than your average joe on the street. Like me. I'm depressed and a hypochondriac and I'm pissed for no reason and I'm sleepy and I'm bored and I'm exhausted and I'm STUPID! FUCK IT ALL!" "Then shut up, please!!" Bossuet tried again to silence him, as he'd been in the middle of trying to have a conversation about work with his friend, in the background as Grantaire threw his tantrum.

#Les Miserables #original writing #Victor Hugo #Grantaire #Les Amis de l'abc #incorrect quotes #Bossuet #ranting #drunk ranting #this was probably pointless and a waste of my time but I had fun doing it #velvet inkspills

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dangerwatson · 6 years

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SO, MS. WATSON. YOU WANNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

It’s ya girl Lin back on my ‘ let’s cry about a beautiful woman together ’ bs. Here’s MJ ! It’s long, but that’s to have all her relevant information in one place should you ( or me more than likely ) need to hit it up for future reference. I’m excited to have her here ya’ll.

BASICS.

Given / Birth Name : Mary Jane Watson Nickname / Preferred Name : MJ, Red Alias(es) : N/A Birthdate / Age : June 19th 1991 / Twenty - Seven Place of Birth : Montoursville, Pennsylvania Current Location : Little Italy, NYC Gender Identity : Cis Female Sexual / Romantic Orientation : Disaster Bisexual Ethnicity / Race / Cultural Heritage: African - American && German Marital Status : Single Occupation : Field Reporter && Political commentator for Weekly Review Religious Beliefs : Agnostic. Raised Christian.

CHARACTERISTICS.

Height : 5′8″ Weight : 135 Body Type / Build : Entirely Average. Could stand to go to the gym, but honestly who has that kind of time. Don’t compare her to fruit she hates that. Eye Color : Green Hair Color / Texture : Auburn. Worn natural, 4b curls and all. Sometimes braided, sometimes weaved, sometimes in bantu knots or covered by headscarves. She’s very particular with her hair - touching it can and will lead to physical harm against the perpetrator if unwelcome. Recognizable Features / Scars : Big ol’ dimples and a slight cleft chin. Dusting of dark freckles across nose and chest. Speech Patterns / Accent : Has a deeper voice, boarding whisky worn. Because she’s moved around the majority of her childhood MJ has no discernible accent, giving her a modulated tone that’s perfect for clear annunciation across media platforms. Languages Spoken : English, French, ASL Powers / Skills / Abilities : No powers, however MJ has a nose for good stories, and tends to follow wherever they take her. Overall Health : Good.

RELATIONSHIPS.

Order of Birth : Youngest Number of Siblings : 1 Father’s Status + Relationship : Phillip Watson, alive. An abusive alcoholic, former High School English teacher. No relationship amends have been made. Mother’s Status + Relationship : Madeline Watson nee Rains, deceased. A starry eyed dreamer, former actress turned stay at home mother. Left Phillip after he struck Gayle, bounced both children through various family members. Passed away shortly after from congenital heart failure exacerbated by stress and lack of access to treatment. Sibling Status + Relationship : Gayle Watson, older sister by almost five years. Unlike MJ, continued to have a relationship with their father. Married her schoolyard sweetheart and had two children. He divorced her around the same time MJ graduated high school, leaving both sisters ( and her nephews ) living under Aunt Anne’s roof. They’re nearly estranged. When she visits her aunt and nephews, both sisters make a point of keeping their conversations short -- if they happen at all. Loyalty / Affiliation : Outwardly neutral, though subject to change behind closed doors.

PERSONALITY.

MBTI : ESFJ Hobbies : Dancing. Doesn’t matter where, when, why or how. Catch her pulling an n*sync routine in her living room at 4 PM on a Tuesday. MJ also has a knack for exploration. There are a lot of ( read : free ) things to do around the city and magically finds them all. Who cares if you have no interest in the Fungi Festival, there are booths everywhere for a quick way to kill an afternoon. Tried needlework one afternoon, didn’t stick and now there’s an abomination of mutant looking cats hanging above her bathroom door. Bad Habits : Smoking. Fixing / hyper - focusing on her hair when uncomfortable or stressed. Jumping head first into the dating scene only to find out it’s the shallow end. Providing 20 second long fart sounds whenever someone asks “how are you?” Taking care of others before taking care of herself. Three Positive Traits : The silent Mom Friend. Allow me to explain : MJ is traditionally that bitch^tm making sure you get home okay after hanging out, she ensures your soul is as well nourished as your body. For all of her outward party-girl aesthetics and a forced mean girl perception on her by others, she makes sure her friends are in good headspaces. That they feel encouraged to follow their ambitions and ultimately celebrate every success no matter the size. It’s the type of selflessness that she’d wanted for herself growing up, so I’ve labeled it as her BEST trait. She’s incredibly outgoing. An extrovert through and through, getting her battery charged by being around people. It’s what makes her an attractive personality. When in a battle of small talk, MJ not only listens and remembers those small shared details but she knows how to keep the conversation going without making it seem like a chore. I love how in tune she is like that, girl vibes hard with new and old friends alike. Finally, MJ would make a professional bargain hunter blush. She grew up poor and as a direct result is extremely careful about what she’s doing with money. And yes, being financially responsible during these trying times as a Millennial trying to earn that bread is pretty much a given good quality. We all wish it wasn’t, but here we are. Three Negative Traits : MJ is stubborn to a fault. When she digs her heels into something it’s hard to get her to stop until a desired outcome is achieved ( or undesired, event depending ). While this is usually reworded as a positive asset —- being so DRIVEN and MOTIVATED —– that’s simply not the case with her. She’s lived through all consequences resulting from this inability to budge and none of the supposed rewards. Been fired from more jobs than she’d care to admit for telling former bosses where to shove unrealistic worker expectations, or coworkers where they can file passive aggressive bullpucky. She’s also incredibly stunted emotionally. As mentioned, she’s a silent Mom Friend, but reciprocation of her actions isn’t met with as much of an openness as one might expect. MJ keeps her feelings to herself, and it usually builds up until she suffers a full scale breakdown triggered by something mundane like … dropping a fry or seeing a lady bug stepped on. Decompressing is a word in her vocabulary, for sure, but it was easier to partake in as a 20 year old than as a near 30 year old with responsibilities and bills to pay. Picky puts it in palatable terms, but MJ knows what she likes and how she likes it. When she doesn’t, then she’ll quickly find a preference. In the meantime we’ll say she’s very particular about what styles she likes to wear, how her make up is, how her hair looks, and over all what image she’s presenting to a general public. It’s a habit she hasn’t been able to shake. Moral Alignment : Neutral Good

ASSOCIATIONS.

One Song : Dead and Lovely - Tom Waits One Quote / Piece of Art : “Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful.” One Fear : Following the Watson Women path of horrible no good very bad mistakes and poor life decisions. One Strength : Persistence One Object : Breathe Right Nasal Strips One Place : May’s kitchen One Food : Garlic One Scent : Cinnamon. One Lucky Charm : Old tattered friendship bracelet

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Pretty typical “American Dream !” 50′s family dynamic. Everyone looking great in their Sunday best photos, father with a steady job, stay at home mom to save on daycare, two daughters and a stray cat named Sir Stinkybottom.

Father started facing emotional breaking points brought about by lack of what he considered satisfactory income and inbound midlife crisis. Turned to drinking, ( turned into a right train wreck. )

Mary-Jane, Gayle and Maddie hopped from various family member’s couches to crash for a couple of weeks at a time during the separation process from Phillip. This lasted a year.

Maddie passed away when MJ was around 10 and Gayle 15, Gayle instantly taking up the role of Mother Figure to MJ’s wild child foil. MJ maintains she doesn’t remember all that much about her mother while Gayle remembers everything and that becomes a point of contention.

Father returns into their life. It’s messy, he eats away at their still developing ego’s like the cancerous human blob he’s chosen to become. Their Aunt Anna, who they live with, intervenes when she can.

Gayle gets the fuck outta there by marrying her high school sweetheart, moving to the midwest and popping out two adorable munchkins named Kevin and Thommy.

MJ has the pleasure of dealing with their dad alone for the next five years. Which she does by a little thing called home avoidance. Garners the reputation quickly as a party girl at Midtown, someone ready to go anywhere and everywhere at any time.

Began solidly working around fifteen to help Anna out, sometimes in Diners, sometimes in retail. Her ability to sell her brand began early and honed with surgical precision during these years. All currently reflected across media platforms where she became a 2010 influencer ( and paid for little more than modeling ).

Started college at seventeen, typical move. Took 6 years for her to finish as she paid her way through without loans. The last thing MJ wanted when finally breaking out of Queens was a student dept choker. Graduated at 23 with a dual bachelors in journalism and political science.

Bounced between larger broadcasting industries for a few years as an underpaid intern before growing concerned by their lacking criteria. The burnout was real.

Tirelessly sought employment at her favorite ( but SMALL ) news agency. By luck of the draw she was screen tested and hired on for a slot as field reporter.

She’s been with Weekly Review since. Now having two years under her belt ( still extremely Green in her industry ), she’s pushing for higher scope investigative journalist pieces. And for once, they’re not telling her no.

#united task 001 #united intro #mentioned briefly :#tw alcoholism #tw parental abuse

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amarantine-amirite · 5 years

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The Butterfly Effect

if you read a lot of time travel books, then you're probably pretty familiar with the butterfly effect. It's the idea of small action having really large consequences later on in life. People often think about how going back in time and stepping on a bug alter the course of history, but they don't think of little tiny things they can do today that can alter the future in ways that they never imagined.

I'm aware of that. I'm aware of how little decisions today can make big changes in the future. I know, because I've experienced to myself. I don't care what area my parents or any of my friends say; who I am now can be traced back to Valentine's Day when I was 9 years old.

the year was 9 years old, Valentine's Day fell on a Saturday. It was also the Saturday the my dad decided to take me to something called Lunch Bunch. for those who that don't know Lunch Bunch is a program that is meant to help kids on the autism spectrum with their social skills in a fun environment. Sure was the problem with that: the concept of the Lunch Bunch program seemed great on paper. But the problem was it was hosted in a noisy, cramped, and possibly leaking portable and the aides who were helping the autistic kids with their social skills were pretty young (and bratty. In fact I was starting to think that none of them were older than high school age, and that the only reason they were there was because they were serving community service as a punishment for something). It was a disaster. A couple of fights broke out, actually.

I don't think it's fair to make kids volunteer for anything related to helping people disabilities as a punishment. If you do that, they will start to see people with disabilities has a burden instead of, you know, people. Yet that's the case. The more I think about it, the more I think the the Lunch Bunch thing school setup was designed to be a punishment for the kids that were acting as the aides. They held it at 7 AM. It was in the middle of winter, and the portable it was held in didn't have much in the way of heat. It wasn't fair to the people that needed the Lunch Bunch to help their social skills, but that's how it was. And if it hadn't been for that, I think my social skills would have been much better. I would have it in better with my peers. I would have been more confident. I would be about 40 to 50 pounds thinner. I would not have failed 11th grade. I would not have quit high school. I would be a totally different Diana.

It sounds ridiculous, but its true. Everything that has happened to me that has ended in failure can all be traced back to that disastrous Lunch Bunch.

The fight the broke out during the Lunch Bunch that cause this entire fiasco was something out of a different world. And the only reason it started was because the people who were volunteering at the Lunch Bunch we're only there because they had to. Because they were being punished. Worse, they took it out on us, the people who Lunch Bunch was supposed to help. When it came time to pick up our meal, they decided that they would call us up by birth month to pick up our food. I was born in February, but they never called that month (I later found out that those of us who were at Lunch Bunch that were born in February weren't the only one that had this problem. June, July, and November were also never called). Which meant I didn't get my food. I was starving. It was so bad that I walked up to someone else's plate and picked up a couple of their tater tots when their backs were turned.

The aide sitting at the head of the table saw me. "Hey, greedy" she barked, "that isn't yours to take!" I responded in a calm and civilized manner by giving her the middle finger.

"Do you fucking want a piece of me?!" She bellowed, "because your pasty ass is going to get it!!!" She wasn't kidding around. She had a fork, and was prepared to throw it at me.

I don't know what possessed me to quote Clint Eastwood but that moment, but I sent to her, "Go ahead, chubby. Make my day" now that I think about it, maybe I was trying to be funny. If I was, then I don't think it worked. All the aide did was get mad at throw the fork. It didn't hit me, but it did hit a parent.

I could go on about how ticked they were. But, for now, I’ll just say a fight broke out. The fight was insane. People were throwing chairs, the volunteers were boxing each other; and I have a weird feeling that some of the parents were slamming each other against the walls. It didn’t feel like something that would happen at Lunch Bunch. If anything, it felt like something that would happen in a bar after some guy made a pass at a biker’s girlfriend. Despite how manic the fight was, nobody called the cops until about three hours into the whole thing.

It did not get better when the cops arrived. The first question they asked was, “Who started this?” The aide that threw the fork pointed at me.

I don't really remember what happened after that. But, it doesn't really matter. That disastrous day at that Lunch Bunch, change my life forever. And not in a good way.

Most people say I failed the 11th grade because I was some combination of lazy and stupid. they don't understand the events leading up to it though. They don't understand the concept of a cascading failure. That disastrous Lunch Bunch set in motion a chain of events that led to one catastrophe after another. If I heard someone else describe it to me, I would think they were making it up. I am not making this up in any way. and I don't care how convoluted it sounds, and I don't care what anybody else says; but it was that disastrous Lunch Bunch that made me fail the 11th grade and ultimately quit high school.

The first place that things went horrifically wrong was in 5th grade. I did string band back then (I played the guitar) and I moved up from Beginner B (which is ages 6 to 9) to Lower Intermediate (ages 10 to 12). Since they were planning to phase out paper sheet music that year, everyone starting in lower intermediate had to do ear training. I guess the expectation was that everybody would develop absolute pitch so that they could play back the assigned pieces of music just by listening to them rather than using the sheet music as a guide. Things went wrong because the ear training instructor was the mother of the girl who threw the fork at the Lunch Bunch. I could tell right away that she felt the the whole thing was my fault, even though it was her kid that through the fork. I could tell she maintained it was my fault because I was the one that drove the girl to throw the fork. Therefore, she went out to her way to make ear training hell for me. After all, I was the one that got her "innocent" kid in trouble. Yes, I did try to take the tater tot up somebody's plate, but what choice did I have? I was starving! Because I didn't get my meal. I don't think I was my fault, the idiots running Lunch Bunch didn't get me my food!

But that doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I hate that people can do whatever they want to hurt other people, and everyone else just has to sit there and take it. It's not fair. It's not right. But that's the way it is.

At the end of October, ear training for the Lower Intermediate group wrapped up; and then it came time for us to audition. I was one of the last people to audition. This frustrated me, mainly because the fire alarm kept going off. I think the fire alarm went off between four to five times between the start of auditions and the halfway point, and twice after that. Now, when it was my turn to play, the fire alarm didn't go off. Something else happened: just as I got my guitar and amp set up, the power went out. Since (in the interest of saving time) we were auditioning two people at the same time, I wound up having to give up my spot to someone whose instrument didn't need electricity to function. I didn't make it into the next level of strings group

Why did I fail the audition? I didn't find this out until later, but it was because the woman that was the ear training instructor deliberately shut off the electricity not just fro the building where the audition was held, but for the entire block. Yes, she shut off the electricity for at least 20 buildings just to get me to fail an audition. The lengths that she went to so as to screw me over were just astonishing. It was like using a flamethrower to kill an ant. Total bullshit. Complete and total bullshit. But, that’s the way it is. It’s not fair. It’s not right. That’s just the way things are.

The worst part is, it doesn't stop there. Even though they kicked me out of strings group, my parents still got the bill for it. That's right, they were expected to pay for strings group lessons that I wasn't even at! As any sane person would be, they got mad. It got to a point where they filed a lawsuit. There wasn't much to say about this lawsuit, though. Nothing earth-shattering happened, it ended up getting thrown out of court. But we never got an apology from that string group. Worse, we were short a crazy amount of money, and we had to find a cheaper place to live. My parents and I ended up having to move in with my grandpa on my father's side. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against my paternal grandfather. In fact, the living situation wasn't the problem. The problem was school.

When I say the problem with school, I didn't mean middle school. The middle school I went to during that time was actually OK. In fact, it was better in the school I was attending previously. The problems with school started once I entered high school. When I started high school, my English teacher was the guy from Lunch Bunch that got hit by the thrown fork. And it's because of him that my grades went downhill.

Once I hit high school, it got harder and harder for me to do my assigned work. If I did it poorly, I didn't think it was enough. But if I did well, then I get worried that people would think that I cheated. It felt like a no-win situation; that the only way to get buy was not to do the work at all. The teacher knew this, and he went out of his way to exploit it. I had done so badly and all of my courses, especially English. it would take a miracle for me to pass English. I had one last assignment. One last thing to be completed. The teacher told me, and the guy was lying through his teeth, not to worry about thinking that he thought I was cheating. He told me the only thing I should worry about was doing a good job on the work and making sure that I understand what was being taught. I made the mistake of letting my guard down and doing the work. Before I handed it in to turnitin.com, he had (unbeknownst to me) hacked my laptop and already handed it in to turnitin.com under his own name. He did that so when I submitted my essay on turnitin.com, it would get flagged for plagiarism, even though I did the work myself.

I think I got suspended for over a month. But regardless, I had a hard time doing school work after that. I ended up losing all my motivation, all my drive to succeed in school. I ended up doing the bare minimum in all my classes, and even then, it still wasn't enough. Things got so bad, I wound up failing every single class I had in 11th grade. So that's how I wound up failing the 11th grade. People think it's my fault that I wound up failing 11th grade. It's not, it's because I couldn't do the school work, because I had trust issues brought on by his teacher that hacked my laptop and framed made for cheating.

After I filled the 11th grade, I realized that I was stuck. There was no way I was getting anything back. There was no I was going to be able to catch up to everyone else, no hope that I would pass any of my classes. So I took drastic action: I quit school. You might think I was overreacting, but really, I wasn't. I didn't have any choice. Everything was ruined for me.

The worst part is, everyone thinks this is my fault. Nothing could be further from the truth. The thing that made me quit school wasn't getting accused of cheating in 9th grade. It wasn't because we had to move. It was all because of that crappy Lunch Bunch thing that I went to that Valentine's Day when I was 9 years old.

#writing #writers #writers on tumblr #short fiction #short story #savage-words #butterfly effect

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