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sophierequests · 1 year

Note

Could I please request a Toyla x reader..? (Bless you for writing for everyone I can’t find any for him 😭) they’re crushing on each other and them having to share a bed 🥺

you are foolish to want

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Pairing: Tolya Yul-Bataar x gn!Reader

A/N: After reading this you might ask me: Sophie, will you ever write anything else than Hurt/Comfort when you get requests that aren't in any explicit genre? The answer to that question is: no <3 Also, the second time of using horses in a Tolya fanfic?? What has overcome me?? Thank you for the request! I hope you'll like this, even though the one bed trope isn't the main focus of this story </3

Summary: Tolya and the reader are on their way to the Lazlayon until unforeseen circumstances put a slight dent in their plans.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff (if you squint)

Word Count: 5.8K (oh god)

Warnings: Mention of almost dying, broken ribs and hurt feelings

The silence between you became louder the longer you indulged in it. It wasn’t really silence, so to say. It was more the state of not speaking. The forest surrounding you was anything but silent. Between the creaking of old rotting larch trees swaying in the wind and the padding of hooves against the more or less solid ground, nothing ever really felt quiet.

He couldn’t be sure how much longer the path ahead of you could possibly still drag on; all he knew was that he likely wouldn’t be able to stay awake for the entirety of it. The tension of riding next to you alone would have usually been enough to keep him from falling asleep. Hell, the thought of you alone did the job well enough already. Yet something about this time felt different.

It was just the two of you. No Tamar. No Nikolai. No Zoya. No one else to worry or think about. Just the two of you, wordlessly riding next to each other.

And while his brain screamed at him to use that factor in his favour, to finally make some sort of move, his body recoiled at the impulse of opening his mouth and articulating his feelings. Whenever he even attempted to do so, an obstruction seemed to form inside his larynx, blocking the feeble sounds that might’ve crossed the breach of his vocal folds. Maybe it was his heart leaping out of his chest and ending up in the enclosure of his throat, desperate to be spat out and stowed away inside a neat little box that he could disregard as long as he pleased. Maybe it was bile at the thought of having to come clean about the months and months of yearning he had been subjected to since meeting you. Maybe both of these options rang true; he couldn’t be sure. The sole thing he was painfully sure of was that it had to be closely related to you.

Everything was somehow related to you. You had always been everywhere and nowhere; everything and nothing at the same time. At least to him, he hoped. You occupied his mind, his space, and his time whenever he should be focused on anything else. When he wanted, no, needed to focus on anything else. You were everywhere just as much as you were nowhere. Nowhere he could reach. Touch. Hold. You had always been more of an idealistic daydream, rather than something concrete. And just like most dreams, you would be foolish to pursue.

“Do you think we’ll reach the Lazlayon before the night sets in?” Your voice broke through the air like a gunshot, forcing his gaze away from the impenetrable barrier of trees next to him. You stared at him expectantly, waiting until he could will himself to produce a coherent sentence.

He let out a huffed breath, absent-mindedly fiddling with the reins in his hands as if they were a set of tarot cards that would permit him to look into the future. “If we keep up this pace, we’ll likely get there right before sundown.”

“Oh, lovely. Just in time for Count Kirigin to welcome us. I’m sure he’s already buzzing with excitement,” you chuckled dryly, giving your companion a distinctive eye roll to accentuate your annoyance.

Tolya rolled his shoulders, the mention of the count’s name sending a wave of unease through him. He didn’t necessarily hold any tangible grudges against him, he didn’t know him well enough to form any sort of well-shaped opinion of him to begin with, but what he knew was that the man was an absolute rake. If the countless times of resolute flirting with anyone that didn’t leave his presence on the count of three wasn’t enough to support this hypothesis, Nikolai’s long-winded tales of his drinking and lavished parties sure filled the gaps. Count Kirigin as a whole simply wasn’t a coeval he wanted to be around. Not when he was busy enough with keeping his emotions in check while you were close to him.

“There’s still hope that he chose to go to bed instead of waiting by the door for us to arrive. I doubt that he’s all too invested in our presence. After all, Zoya isn’t accompanying us, so he won’t have much to ogle at,” the Heartrender objected slyly, using the scarce situation of being alone with you to voice his obvious disdain for the man in question.

“We can only hope.” You clasped your hands together, holding them in front of your chest as if you were in prayer. “At least we’ll share the same fate if it comes down to him having genuinely waited on us.”

He nodded in agreement. It was a comforting thought to know that he was there with you. The fact that you were meant to take on the journey to the Lazlayon on your own at first disconcerted him greatly. Not that he wouldn’t have trusted you to come back in one piece, however, having you be out of his sight for so long without a possibility of contacting you made him uncomfortably aware of the actual extent of his feelings.

Another wave of silence settled around you. It was more comfortable this time. Especially since it didn’t take too long for you to speak up again. “I’m glad Nikolai decided to have you come along.”

His smile falters for just a split second, the wave of emotion your simple statement had created stripping him of the last bit of feigned confidence he had. Perhaps his years of studying and breaking down ancient poetry had gotten the best of him. Convinced him that there was more to the comment than merely you being glad that someone else had to suffer through the hours on hours of travel. But that’s what you would have said, right? You would have said ‘someone’ instead of explicitly mentioning him. During times like these, he genuinely missed Zoya’s bluntness to bring him back down to earth.

“Oh, uhm, it’s good to know that you don’t see my presence as patronising,” he stammers, his voice hitching and cracking as if he was a puberty-stricken young boy again.

You tilted your head and looked at him with narrowed but gentle eyes. The same eyes that always seemed to magically find his own whenever he had stared at you for a bit too long. “Your presence could never be patronising to me. I like being around you.”

In an ideal world, he would have told you that the feeling was mutual. The sentence would have rolled off his tongue equally as casually as it had off yours, and you both could have continued your travels with the knowledge that you appreciated each other’s company. This was not an ideal world though. In fact, he didn’t even give you a verbal response. Instead, he hastily turned his head away from you, futilely trying to cover the gleaming blush that had spread across his cheeks in a matter of seconds.

Once again, the steady whirring and rustling replaced your short-lived stab at a conversation. It took another hour for the unkempt thicket to gradually turn into a widespread field, stretching out in front of you until it was obscured by the dense artificial fog that hid the watercraft testing grounds of the Gilded Bog. It would have been a stunning view if you hadn’t been aware of the massive amount of work that lay behind it.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips when Count Kirigin’s estate came into view. Your whole body ached after riding for hours on end without a break, making you long for a warm bed and a good night’s sleep. It didn’t take long for Mother Fortuna to knock that idea out of your head though.

Just as you had intended to throw some sort of sarcastic comment in your friend’s direction, a sudden sound of a rifle being fired cut through the forest behind you. After that, everything continued to go downhill horribly fast.

You barely managed to calm down your horse, yanking the reins to the side to let it spur out its fright by trotting in a circle. Tolya, on the other hand, was less lucky. He hadn’t been able to react quick enough, his horse rearing on its hind legs before he was in the right mindset to properly hold onto the straps of his saddle. He was thrown off its back quite roughly, his back hitting the hard ground with a bone-chilling thud.

“Tolya!” you called, dismounting your horse without thinking about the looming threat of someone directing their gunshots at you. It was as if you were passing through a tunnel, eyes only focused on what was in front of you.

A litany of his name spilt out of your mouth as you knelt down next to him; you repeated it so many times that it didn’t even feel like a real word anymore. But no amount of repetition could bring him to regain consciousness. He remained laying on the ground, perfectly still and with no reaction to anything you did. Years and years of basic medical training flickered through your mind, hopelessly trying to give you an impulse that might be able to save his life. Your hands promptly moved to the pronounced column of his throat, a motion that would have been intimate if you weren’t filled with panic. The skin underneath your fingers was warm - and unexpectedly soft - as you dug for any form of heartbeat. When you finally localised a faint but rhythmic thudding, you sucked in a deep breath, momentarily considering changing your stance on the Saints if they had been the ones to grant you this minuscule act of reassurance.

“Tolya,” you tried again, hands cradling the sides of his face as you shifted him onto your lap. His eyelids fluttered open briefly, immediately seeking out contact with yours. It took another moment for him to recognise what position he was currently in. Your hands on his face and his head on your lap felt almost too good of a situation to be anything but a dream.

He wanted to say something, anything for that matter, but a piercing pain in his chest caused him to let out a stifled groan. It hurt to move. It hurt to speak. It hurt to breathe. His whole body felt like it had been pulled apart and reassembled without a manual, and you couldn’t do anything to ease his discomfort.

“Hey.” You let your thumbs smooth over the ridges of his cheekbones, your feather-light touch creating an embarrassingly visible trail of goosebumps all over his arms. Everything you did was too soft. Too delicate. Too wholly overwhelming. “I know it hurts. Just stay here for a while and-”

“Saints!” A shrill voice made your head shoot up, the memory of the gunshot striking you like a brick. When a familiar figure scrambled out of the woods, an extravagant hunting rifle strung over his back and a mortified look on his face, you began to piece together what was going on. “I’m terribly sorry! I- We were just coming back from our hunting trip and we didn’t- Oh, no.” The count ran a shaky hand through his neatly slicked-back hair, causing a few stiff strands to fall onto his forehead.

Something inside you wanted to be mad at him. It was his fault after all. If he had been more careful and a little less trigger-happy none of this would have happened. However, Tolya’s weight still very much present on your legs substituted your anger with worry. “Kirigin, I’ll need some help getting him to the Lazlayon. He needs to be looked at by someone more…medically-inclined than me.”

Emil nodded his head reverently, calling over a few of the other men that had joined him in his hunting party. With their help, you heaved him back to his feet. His nails dug into your shoulder as you helped him walk to your horse; neither of you trusted his horse enough to not throw him off again. It was quite the struggle, but after a lot of cursing and griping coming from the normally very composed Heartrender, you reached the opulent mansion just before the sun had vanished behind the mountain range completely.

Upon entering, the count immediately called for a medik, showing the two of you to his drawing room while he flittered through the foyer in a frenzy. Tolya let himself fall onto one of the plush divans with a groan. His hand flew to his side as soon as his back met the fabric underneath him, flinching as he seemed to have pressed down too hard. It was a strange picture to see him look this helpless. He appeared small and vulnerable, almost as if a bare touch could cause him to break and crumble.

“Don’t move,” you requested gently, one of your hands reaching out to take hold of his. He was aware that this gesture was merely meant to give him a piece of reassurance; you wanted to give him something to hold on to, something to get his mind off of the erupting pain in his chest. Still, a nimble twinge of hope sent a burning wave of longing through his body. “I think you may have broken a rib. After your fall earlier that would be one of the lesser evils,” you assessed, letting the fingers of your free hand brush over the clothed expanse of his chest. “We should probably pass a message to Nikolai. You can’t be expected to take on the ride back anytime soon. But all of that can wait until tomorrow.”

The medik arrived just as you closed your mouth, forbidding Tolya from saying anything in response to your short-lived ramblings. He was a bit miffed by the fact that the person treating him was a simple medik instead of an actual Healer that could have fixed him up in the blink of an eye. However, a faint memory of Kuwei accidentally setting a whole section of the laboratory on fire told him that their presence was a bit more required downstairs.

He was ripped from his thoughts when the medik pushed down on his ribcage with unexpected force. A jolt of pain flashed through him again, and embarrassingly enough, that only caused his grip on your hand to tighten. You didn’t show any sign of discomfort as he did so, entirely concentrated on providing the tiniest bit of comfort you could offer him.

“Fractured rib,” the woman beside you muttered, her brows furrowed as she looked at his exposed chest stomach. “This will take a few weeks to heal on its own. We can send for a Healer as soon as one’s available, but that will probably take just as long. The new project is keeping everyone busy, I’m afraid.”

“I will send a letter to the King,” the Count interjected, rubbing his palms together in an attempt to cope with his nervousness. “The Healers at the Grand Palace are often more willing to make the trip than the ones we have on our hands here. I’m certain he would do everything in his power to ensure that one of his most trusted…guards is back in his service as soon as possible.”

“I suppose that would be for the better.” The medik took out a few differently coloured vials from the pouch on her hip, handing them to you as if the person needing them wasn’t also in the room with you. “These are painkillers. Make sure he takes one of these twice a day.” You nodded along slowly, letting go of Tolya’s hand to not drop any of the flimsy flasks. “It would be best if someone keeps an eye on him for now. Especially after taking the medicine. In case the pain gets worse, you know where to find me.” She directed her gaze at Emil who merely dismissed her with a grateful wave of his hand.

“Thank you for…taking the initiative.” You gave him a brief smile, sitting on the armrest of the sofa where Tolya was still laying. Slowly but surely, the heaviness of the day began seeping through your bones.

“But of course! That’s the least I could do after causing such a mishap.” He pursed his lips but opted to force them into a straight line while he pondered his next words. “I shall send for a servant to mind you during the night if that’s alright with you. Someone should probably be there to attend to you, just in case something happens.”

Tolya looked up at him, evidently not too fond of his suggestion. The idea of having some stranger even do as much as stay in the same room as he slept didn’t sit right with him at all. “I…appreciate your kindness, Count Kirigin. However, I would prefer it if you refrained from doing anything like that. I’m certain it will be fine if I’m left unsupervised for the night.”

“The count has a point,” you reasoned, a distinct expression of worry present on your face. “You’re hurt; don’t be so blasé about it. It would genuinely be better if someone is there for you. At least for tonight.”

“Maybe you could stay with him for the night if it’s the aspect of familiarity he’s concerned with?” Emil offered, his eyes darting between the two of you nervously. If his upper body had allowed it, Tolya would have shot upright in his seat after hearing that. As much as he hated the notion of having someone else practically babysit him while he was asleep, anyone else would be a better option than you. He wouldn’t survive spending a night under these circumstances.

His suggestion caught you off guard with what felt like brute force. He was a good friend; one of your closest actually. Yet you had never even seen the inside of his bedroom. Spending the night in the same room, no matter under what circumstances, seemed like a terrible way to improve that friendship.

“I… Tolya? Your call.” You shifted all the responsibility of decision-making onto the Heartrender, giving him an apologetic look while he struggled to find the right words.

He mentally considered all the implications this action might entail. What if he snored? What if he talked in his sleep? What if the medicine made him do or say things he might regret? What if nothing out of the ordinary happens and he was just diving into the worst-case scenarios? “If I have to choose, I’d prefer your presence,” he mumbled, instantly clamping his eyes shut in order to avoid looking at your face while you let his words sink in.

“It’s decided then,” you chirped, slumping off your seat to carefully place the ampoules in your bag. You sounded pretty much unbothered by the prospect of sharing a room for the night. Weren’t you even a little bit uncomfortable with that? He should be glad that you were taking this situation so well, however, your unexpected nonchalance concerning the topic made every last speck of hope that you could possibly like him back dwindle down to nothing.

“Very well!” Kirigin clasped his hands together with a resounding clap, the jovial nature returning to his face in an instant. “Now, if you’d be so inclined - and able -, please follow me upstairs to the guest bedrooms.”

The guest bedrooms of the count’s estate reminded you of the countless ornate rooms you had seen at the Grand Palace; broad wide rooms with high ceilings and long windows that made them appear more like a makeshift dining hall than an actual bedchamber. Needless to say, the Lazlayon was a bit more bucolic than what you were used to seeing in the capital, but the white walls and the rococo king-size bed definitely opposed every notion of humility one might expect if there was no prior knowledge of Kirigin’s spendthrift way of living.

Neither of you really had enough willpower to change into your nightclothes, so you merely rid yourself of the thick jackets and clunky boots, which you mindlessly tossed on top of your bags. The bedding would be changed in the morning anyway.

It was a terribly awkward scene, the tension practically electrifying the air around you. Tolya sat on the bed, his back perched on the carved headboard while he watched you scurry around the room like a rabbit in front of a rifle. You also seemed to have realised what the offer of staying in the same room for the night might imply; your previous casualness being gone completely.

“Here,” you said, handing him one of the vials the medik had given you earlier. He took the medicine from your hands, eying it with a suspicious expression. In comparison to his hand, the tiny bottle looked like a prop right out of a doll house. The image of comparing your hand to his popped into your mind, but you hastily shooed it away, thinking about how inappropriate that thought was. “Drink. I’ll get you some water to help with the taste in case you need it.”

Quickly, he downed the viscous medicine, cringing at the sickly-sweet flavour that spread inside his mouth as he swallowed. As soon as the liquid went down his throat, he had to stifle a cough, the taste only getting worse the longer he occupied his mind with it.

You plopped down on the empty spot next to him, cautious to not spill any of the water that you held out for him. When he reached out to take the glass, your hands touched his for a split second, your fingertips barely brushing over his. Still, that simple gesture was enough to make his head spin. Saints, he hated that you had that effect on him.

“Thank you,” he breathed out, not quite knowing what exactly he thanked you for. Thank you for being there for me when I fell off that damned horse? Thank you for holding my hand earlier? Thank you for staying with me tonight? Thank you for getting me that glass of water? He could probably think about at least a hundred things to thank you for off the top of his head.

“How are you feeling?” Your voice sounded just as sweet as the medicine tasted, he thought. He just liked listening to your voice a whole lot better. Were the painkillers already kicking in?

“Better. Sore, but better. I’m dreading thinking about what Nikolai will say once he gets wind of this.” He let his head slump against the wall behind him, his eyes glancing at you furtively as you scanned his body for any sort of unease or pain he might still feel.

“Forget Nikolai. He can survive without you for a bit longer. And Tamar is still there to save his ass when it comes down to it.” You gave him a quick smile, taking his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze before leaving his side again. “The only thing that matters now is that you’re getting better. No matter whether that happens naturally or with the help of a Healer."

“I’d prefer it happening through the help of a Healer,” he muttered under his breath, scowling at the idea of having to spend another six weeks alone in the confines of a bed without being able to follow his usual duties.

“Well, an actual break would do you some good every once in a while. After everything that Nikolai put you through during the last few years, you should be eligible to take off at least a few months without him being allowed to say anything against it.”

“So eager to get rid of me now?”

A sharp snort escaped your mouth as you looked at him, the feigned pout on his lips making him look like a kicked puppy. Sometimes you had the suspicion that Nikolai’s inherent obnoxiousness was rubbing off on him.

“Believe it or not, I still like being around you. Even though you now gave me the added stress factor of having to keep a close eye on you when we’re around horses.” You walked over to one of the cushioned armchairs that decorated the corner of the room, leaning against it without actually sitting in it. “And If I really would be so eager to get rid of you I wouldn’t have agreed to play your nursemaid for the night. Especially not if I had known that I’d have to sleep in one of these forsaken chairs. Kirigin could have at least given us a double room.”

Tolya’s previously playful expression dropped. He had been so hung up on the fact that you’d be with him for the entire night that he had completely neglected to think about the logistics of his request. Had he known that you’d end up sleeping in a chair rather than a bed, he would have answered differently.

An unwelcome thought clawed its way into his mind; he wanted to strangle it before it could properly manifest. Had he been Nikolai or Tamar he would have immediately sprung into action, offering you his bed, and probably also his heart while he was at it. But he wasn’t like either of them. He wasn’t brash, or romantic, or even socially intelligent. These attributes would be foreign on him, like a coat that was just a bit too big to fit correctly - contorting his actual silhouette to make him look like something he wasn’t.

“Are you okay?” you asked, a worried undertone present as you spoke. He quickly closed his mouth, straightening out his features to appear more collected than he felt before fixing his gaze on you again. You didn’t only sound worried, you also looked the part; eyebrows tightly knitted together while a distinct flash of concern gloomed in your eyes. “Are you still in pain? Should I get-”

“No, it’s- I’m fine, Y/N. I was just thinking…”

“Care to share with the class?”

Even though everything inside him rebelled against opening his mouth and speaking his mind, his heart moved quicker than his mind could process. “Sleeping in an armchair can’t be comfortable. We could share the bed,” he trailed off, watching as you gawked at him like a fish on land. “If you want to, that is.” He felt the need to add that, even if it was only enough to calm his raging nerves.

“Tolya, you’re hurt. You need the rest more than I do. I can’t possibly do that in good conscience.” The room was filled to the brim with the nervousness exuding off of the two of you. It was almost sad to watch you two stumble over your own words, acting as if you were two little schoolchildren that both had a crush on the other.

Seemingly taking your refusal as a challenge, he awkwardly shuffled towards the edge of the bed, leaving the other side very clearly unoccupied. “Would that be enough space for you?” Your eyes darted from the comfortable-looking bed to the stiff armchair you had originally intended to sleep in. Much to your dismay, the bed did look more inviting than the chair could ever be.

“I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” was everything you could muster up to talk yourself out of it. A futile attempt at not giving in to the want clouding your coherent thoughts ever since being in the same room as Tolya.

“You wouldn’t.” You couldn’t. “Trust me, I don’t mind. I couldn’t let you sleep in a bloody chair with a good conscience either.” As if to underline his statement, he patted the empty space next to him.

With an exasperated sigh, you shook off the roots that had metaphorically formed around your ankles and moved to the offered side of the bed. You felt terribly awkward as you slid into bed right next to him. You two had never been this close. Not in this context.

“Thank you,” you whispered, laying flat on your back with your hands folded over your stomach. He mirrored your movement soon after, albeit a bit slower.

He wanted to say something - anything - to relieve some of the tension buzzing between you. But everything he could have said wouldn’t have improved the situation in the slightest. Just like a few hours ago in the woods, the silence was anything but silent.

“You really scared me earlier, do you know that?” you mumbled, breaking through the uncomfortable silence. Again, he thought. “This could have ended with way worse consequences than a fractured rib.”

“I know.” The words were heavy on his tongue, suffocating him. Up until the possibility that worse things could have happened had sounded like an impossible what-if situation to him. But judging by the honest fear in your voice, he really could have suffered a fate way worse than being forced to rest for an uncertain amount of time. The only feeling he could recall after his fall was the dizziness of laying on top of your lap and the intoxicating touch of your hands on his cheeks. He didn’t even think that he genuinely registered the pain in his chest until he felt the impulse to move. “Thankfully, we didn’t have to find out exactly how badly this could have ended.”

“Good. I honestly wouldn’t have known what to do if you hadn’t woken up. What I would do without you.” The last sentence was so unexpected that it almost knocked the air out of his lungs. You had your way of catching him off-guard with your words that was so brutal, but equally as stunning.

“You won’t have to that out either. Not if I can help it.” He wanted to tell you. He wanted to tell you so badly that breathing normally became more and more difficult. But he couldn’t. Not right now. And maybe not ever.

Silence fell over you again. It was such a stark contrast to the chaos raging inside his head that he barely noticed when you turned to lay on your side, facing him. He forced his eyes to close in hopes of at least getting a few full hours of sleep before he was pushed back into a world where it wasn’t normal for you to sleep next to him.

“Tolya?” you whispered, resisting the urge to nudge him.

“Mhm?” he murmured, eyes still clamped shut.

He heard you shuffling next to him, probably to put a bit of distance between you and him. “I have to tell you something.” You shuffled again, the mattress giving in ever so slightly when you did. You were sitting up now. “This might be a terrible time to do so, but I have to get it off my chest.” That caught his attention enough to look at you again. You sounded so serious.

“Uhm, sure, go for it.” To say that he was concerned would have been an understatement. His whole body tensed, much to the dismay of his fractured ribcage.

“I don’t recall the last time when I was genuinely so afraid of someone I care about not being alright, but what I felt when you didn’t wake up at first was way worse than just being scared. I'm not sure how to tell you this, and I’ve been putting this off for quite some time now. But I don’t just care about you like how I care about the others. I think I'm in love with you." The last words tumbled from your lips in a hurry, so quickly that he almost didn’t comprehend what you were saying. He could have sworn that this was a fever dream. Maybe the medicine had kicked in way stronger than he expected it to. Maybe he was genuinely going mad. Whatever it was, it didn’t feel real.

You realised how badly timed this confession was as soon as you saw the completely befuddled expression that was plastered all over his face. Suddenly, sleeping on the armchair looked way more appealing than the shared bed. You felt like you were trapped in a mass of writhing quicksand, slowly but surely devouring you until there was nothing left to take. This was way more embarrassing than you had imagined.

“I, uhm, this was a mistake.” You felt your cheeks heat up, burning you until you couldn’t take it anymore. You needed to get out of this bed. Preferably also this room. “It would be best if I leave, I’m so sorry. I’ll go downstairs to call fo-”

Tolya seized your wrist just as you wanted to throw the covers off of you. The rash movement caused him to wince slightly, but he didn’t let go of you. A thousand questions forced their way into his mind, and he could answer none of them.

“Wait.” He didn’t know what else to say. But he knew that you needed to stay. “Are…are you being sincere?”

“What? Of course? Do you genuinely think I would make a joke out of something like that? Especially in our…current situation?” you questioned, absolutely bewildered that he thought you were joking around.

At this point, his face was beet red. He couldn’t tell where his embarrassment came from. Whether it was the fact that he had been tiptoeing around his feelings for months by now while you felt the same or the fact that he had the genuine audacity to ask you if you were kidding.

“Tolya, I can understand that this makes you uncom-”

“No, no, don’t!” His grip on your wrist tightened as you tried to wriggle yourself out of his grasp. That was his cue to say something. Anything if it made you stay.

“What do you mean?”

“I love you too,” he blurted, maybe a bit too quickly. But the fear of having to watch you leave made his heart act before his brain could.

“You do?”

“Do you genuinely think I would make a joke out of something like that?” He gave you a sheepish smile, his eyes gleaming with adoration. Saints, he really was in love. “I never said anything because I didn’t think you’d feel the same.”

He had intended to let go of your hand, giving you a moment to process what he had just said. You didn’t let him pull away though. Instead, you took his hand in your own, tightly squeezing it before allowing your lips to curl up into a wide smile.

“Sounds like we’re both idiots then.”

“At least we’re idiots in love.”

“But idiots nonetheless," you laughed, your heart thudding even louder when you heard Tolya join you.

Taglist:

Grishaverse fics in general: @yesshewrites1 @dal-light @treasureofmy-heart

Tolya Yul-Bataar: @juneberrie @horny4knives

#tolya x reader #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya yul bataar #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone #netflix shadow and bone

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jeanbie · 11 months

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SHARKBAIT ★ masterlist.

pairing: tolya x reader

warnings: long distance relationships, set after s2 | wc: 6.9k

note: i'm pining over tolya right now. also i know a loooot of fans view tolya as aroace so hopefully this reaches the right audience (and if the show runners or leigh ever confirm this then pls tell me)!!

⏤ Tolya can go months without seeing your face, but he can make out your shape in the darkness of the ship when you steal your visits, fleeing when the sun begins to light up the decks.

Tolya knew what it meant to long, to pine, to wonder and yearn for something you couldn't have. He saw it a thousand times with his poems, between the lines and in each stanza where a romance formed with metaphors and analogies; he saw it in his crew as they busied themselves across an unsteady ocean, searching for purpose and meaning in the vastness of blue and brown. He even saw it in his sister and passing maidens, in his captain and his need to be seen as something more than an amplifier, and he saw it in his own life- with his faith and his resilience, with his own novice works of poetry tucked into journals in his bunk, and in the whispers of silence between the two of you whenever he saw you again, and especially in the stretches of days where he didn't see you at all.

On board the Volkvolny, for what felt like years on end, Tolya had nothing but time to become familiar with what it meant to long. He'd stare out across the expanse of the sea, outlining your body in the clouds as they dipped below the horizon, in the waves rippling under the ship as it sailed away from Os Kervo to Kerch. Sometimes he thought he could make out your shape in the darkness of his bunk, a thin ghostly outline come to haunt him in his sleep, to torment his dreams. Often he woke up to a fading outline of body just to the side of his hammock, remembering that you weren't there, and wouldn't be for some time.

He supposed that he was lucky to be on this ship, with the world at his hands. There were days where he was so caught up in the passion of his work, alongside his never-faltering faith, that he didn't have time to think of you, instead only stumbling into your body through dreams, where you came to him as easily as the sea to the shore. Today hadn't been one of those days, and he feared that the crew on board the Volkvolny knew it too well.

It started off with his last nightmare. Taking steps together on a shoreline that looked like it belonged to a dip of earth in Shu Han, Tolya met you on the sands, his hand slotted into your own as he followed behind you, stepping into your sunken footprints. Tolya had been inches from your mouth before he was ripped away with the sound of horns and laughter, drops of water leaking through the deck overhead. Work was demanding his consciousness, and the image of you remained only on his eyelids as he groaned, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He'd gone about his day relatively normally after that, or about as normally as he could stomach it. Tamar had seen the worst of his mood- she watched him heave himself up the stairs to the deck with a frown deep on his face, an ache at the corner of his lips tugging down. The front he performed of happiness did little to arouse his crewmates, although they joined the spectacle, letting him think he was giving a performance of a lifetime.

For a while, his mood had settled. He'd only counted seeing you in hallucinations maybe three times, but he'd stopped counting after the third, and couldn't be sure if his mind was allowing him to stick with three for the sake of his own sanity. He'd spotted you in the twist of water under the bowsprit, once in the ripple of the sails and again in the clouds. After the third, his mood was so sour that he opted to be silent for the day's voyage. People never thought they'd miss the sound of his poetry until he took his pitiful vows of silence.

Saints, how he missed you. Each time you were gone, Tolya regretted every second of silence between the two of you, every time he passed up the chance to tell you how much he loved you. And each time you were here, back with him in his arms, he couldn't seem to find the words. You weren't part of the crew on voyage with the Volkvolny, although you were never not welcome as far as Sturmhond was concerned. It was just that you preferred being on land, seeking out thrills and leads and injustice, trying to piece together the gaps in your history. Tolya knew that was what held you to the Crows, and what Inej often said was your lifeline away from him. Still, Tolya yearned for the days you were back with him, however short and fleeting. Months could pass at sea and when he saw you again, it would be like no time had passed at all.

Kerch loomed in the distance. From the crow's nest, he was told that through the spyglass, the oblong shapes of Ketterdam ports could be seen, the buildings packed together tightly and the smoke rising in the air, thick and dark like fires were blooming in the streets. It would be about two days of sailing, if the winds kept up, but if they were lucky, they might arrive ahead of schedule. Tolya couldn't count the moments quick enough- two days would be agonising until he saw you again.

"Yeesh. I kinda miss your poetry right now." Tamar crept up from behind Tolya on the hull of the ship. Not far from where Tolya was standing, with his elbows holding his body up on the side of the beams, was Jacob's ladder, hitting the side of the vessel with irritating small clicks.

Tolya glanced at her, a smile naturally falling into place. As foul as his mood might have been, there was always room in his heart for his sister. "That's something I'll never hear you say again."

His sister grinned. "I'm serious! Go on, give me something?"

Tolya replied with quiet laughter, and Tamar did the same. The twins shared their laughter for a moment before finishing in silence, and Tamar stole a glance as her brother cast his gaze to the water, curving like ribbons around the underbelly of the ship.

"Missing her?" she asked softly.

Tolya rolled his eyes, but saying nothing was as good as admitting it.

"You know," Tamar continued, spinning so her back was pressed against the beams, "you could always just ask her to come with you." She gestured to the prow, "come with us."

"She wouldn't want to do that," Tolya said, shaking his head.

"Oh, so you asked her already?"

"Well— no."

"Then how'd you know?"

Tolya sighed, twisting his head. He knew that you were as good as a Crow— although not exactly affiliated in whatever Kaz did or did not do, anybody who knew you knew that you did work for Kaz that filled the gap Inej made on the quest to find her brother. Even before that, you'd told Tolya that Kaz occasionally found himself asking for your help with requests that extended outside of his immediate access. You had been of some help to him finding the name of the slaver ships and traders, of which the Volkvolny was sailing back to Kerch to deliver rescued shipment (one lacking Inej's brother in tow, and the slaver who sold them).

Your place was on land, on high ground. A bird could fly at sea, yes, but he feared you'd grow restless with little purpose on the ship. Everybody had a place and a role—he knew that simply being there for him wouldn't be a good enough reason for you to abandon whatever work you had unfinished on dry land, which is why he'd never asked you to come in the first place.

Tolya turned to face Tamar, eyeing her side-profile as she meticulously assessed the state of the ship. Many crewmates were down below, rifling through Shu poker cards and coins and sharing ghost stories with cups of ale and wine.

"Have you ever been so scared of losing something good?" he asked suddenly, making Tamar look back at him.

"All the time," she replied.

Tolya dared a glance back at the ocean, relieved that he didn't find you there. "Every time I see her again, it's like magic. Bigger and grander than any kind of Saint-like act. She becomes the most important thing in the room." He blinked. "I don't want that feeling to go away."

Tamar tilted her head, as if to say, 'Go on'. There was a comfort in their twinnish bond, but even with that, Tolya struggled to find the words. Writing poetry was easy—every embarrassing thought could be passed off as fictional prose, but in a conversation it wasn't quite as easy to put on a façade. At the best of times, Tolya was as cool as a sea-cucumber, with an easy going air that put people at ease. Just another performance of a lifetime, but he didn't have to pretend sometimes when he was with his sister.

"We're just very different," Tolya said cautiously, almost like he didn't believe it were true as he said it. "I'm worried she might grow too used to me. Might get restless."

"Bored, you mean?" Tamar interrupted. When Tolya said nothing, she threw herself into extended conversation, "Brother, she adores you. That kind of love is special. And if she didn't love you more when you were doing what you do best- as in, meandering around this beast with your poetry and stupid jokes-" He looked at her with a rising smile- "-then you'd be better off for it."

His stomach churned. He didn't want to be better off without you.

"Besides," Tamar offered her last words of comfort before pushing herself up and away from him, "there are thousands of men and women in the world for her to see each passing day, and yet she still falls into those arms of yours when we arrive in Ketterdam. If she can love you from a hundred miles away, then I think she'll manage loving you and your quirks on the open sea."

There was an insufferable ache in Tolya's chest whenever he thought back to his conversation with Tamar.

He'd busied himself the next day, throwing himself into heavy work around the ship as it sailed nearer to the coastline. His crewmates were thankful to see him in reasonably good spirits— Sturmhond had been particularly put off by his lack of comedic timing the day before, and had tried to think back to his own experiences with Alina back in Ravka, putting the pieces together in his own time— but they knew it was bought time with Tolya's pleasantries. Tolya wouldn't be at ease until they docked and only then could his mind be put at ease. It was always the days before returning to Ketterdam where Tolya seemed at his darkest, and it had happened enough times that they should all be used to it, but the sight of his downturned face never got any easier to process.

Night ensued, the moon casting a fickle light to the ocean as it lulled to a cool and calm tempo. The winds were kind tonight, not carrying the wind in an angry gust, and the waves were short and fluid. No storms hid behind thick flurries of clouds, and the creatures below whipped their fins and tails in harmony— no trouble would come tonight, he thought, and glad of it.

Tolya lay in his hammock, staring at the wooden boards above his head. Around him, his crew slept in peaceful slumbers, and to the far side of the room he could see the auburn light of Sturmhond's—now Mal, now that the charade was over— little black lamp sheltered next to a book he'd inherited with his title, now reading to fall asleep. Tolya sighed, his gaze back above.

The glow of light to his left allowed room for your shape to slowly appear, just an outline that got more hazy in his memory as the months went by. He gulped, the lump in his throat hard and sour tasting, and he closed his eyes quickly to throw away the image of you. Yet you remained, imprinted on his eyelids, smiling as he found sleep to take him away into the night.

When he awoke, he could hear the caw of gulls and loud voices beyond the ship, louder than what he knew his crew to be capable of. Tolya stirred for a moment before coming to his senses, his eyes honing in on the same spot he'd last seen you in above his slumbering form. The forecastle was bathed with yellow light, with the sun at an angle pouring down through the hatch to the upper deck, and as he awoke, Tolya could smell the distinct scent of crab hooks and wet moss, the lingering scent of oil and sewage and copper. Strange, he thought.

Balancing on the hammock, Tolya raised himself with his elbow and stole a glance around the forecastle. Two men lay snoring, too drunk the night before, and he noticed a third figure at the foot of his hammock, their back to him but hiding nothing about their identity. His heart lurched, he baulked, and the hammock twisted beneath him with a sudden jolt and his body was sent to the floor with a thud and a grunt.

"Easy, sharkbait."

Tolya's head whipped up quickly, the click in his neck aching. It was you- Y/N, his beloved Y/N, dressed in a blue coat that looked like Mal's. Underneath you wore a dark brown shirt tucked into your trousers—today the attire was more casual, for when you were at work you wore black and black alone. Inej told him it was to blend in with the night, but Tolya reckoned it was also because it flattered you.

You smiled at him warmly, laughing when he didn't move from the floor.

"Come on. Don't tell me after a few months you've forgotten this face?"

Tolya's mouth opened and closed. "What—no! How could I—wait, is that Mal's coat?"

He heard your laugh again as you drew near, pulling his bicep to pick him up off the floor. You were more than capable of pulling his weight, but you still found fun in pretending you couldn't. Tolya rose from the floor, both of his salt-soaked hands gently wrapping around your wrists as he faced you. A smile dawned on his lips as he drank in the image of you; fully fleshed out, solid, real, not a figment of his desperate imagination.

"I saw him up top," you told him. "He looks good as Sturmhond, right? I was almost charmed." You said it with a grin that made Tolya think otherwise, and you shuffled closer towards his torso, the action welcomed as his grip fastened slightly around your arms.

"Charmed enough to take his clothes?" Tolya asked. He knew that there would never be anything there with Mal—Saints, everybody knew that. Mal was too busy having his own mental quarrels with Alina to entertain the thought of somebody else, and well, you seemed perfectly content being charmed by a different captain below deck, smiling at you with sleep still hanging in his eyes.

"I always did look good in blue," you said.

Tolya hummed. "Yeah."

Falling into a silence, Tolya's eyes flickered across your face, soaking up the sight of you, making a mental note of what had changed while he'd been away. Not much, he found, bar a few scratches across your left cheek flanking down to your chin, and a greenish bruise under your eye. He frowned, moving his hand to ghost his fingers across the painted skin. Meanwhile, you did the same, observing changes in his appearance, concluding every detail: the richer tan across his skin, the stubbly pricks of hair around his jawline and the appearance of a new mark under his right nostril. Drunk on the image of him, you fixed your eyes back on his, surprised to see him already looking.

"What're you doing down here anyway, sharkbait?" you asked. Your voice was lower, quieter and softer, but he knew it had nothing to do with a shift in mood. Instead, you were just simply close enough for him to hear you without strain, close enough to hear you whisper, to hear you breathing.

Tolya offered a boyish smile. "You know."

"Had a long night?"

"Terribly long."

"What, enjoying someone's company til sunrise?" you teased, entertaining what could be signs of an insecurity in the bilge of your belly. Tolya pretended to ignore it, yet his heart sank nonetheless.

"Come on, you know me better than that," he laughed, bringing you in closer to him. Tolya nestled his nose against yours, moving it across your face to your cheekbone and closing you in with his arms around your shoulders. He sighed, comfortable. He'd missed this, the way your body felt against his, the way your arms felt around him. Saints, he'd missed this. Tolya took in a breath, his nose above your ear. "I've missed you."

Tolya heard a hum near his sternum, rumbling with a small vibration. It made his body bristle slightly but he warmed to your touch, his arms tightening around you.

"Me too, moi sol ye tselai," you replied, feeling his nose twitch as a smile grew on his face.

For a moment you stayed like that, entangled in the quiet of the forecastle. Tolya didn't waste a single second of it, not after the torment he'd given himself just hours before. After some time, Tolya felt you wiggling in his arms and he relaxed, opening the distance between you as he leaned back to look at your face. You looked back at him with a smile, head angled up to marvel at him, and Tolya's eyes shifted into crescent moons as he brought his head down to kiss you.

His one hand cradled the side of your face, the other at the back of your neck, and you made no resists to his advancements. Tolya kissed you deeply, lost in the familiar taste of your lips, sweet like the breakfast you must have ate before coming down here. He felt you kiss him back, the pressures combined, your hands up around his wrists. Your head leaned back slightly, his dominance slightly more assertive, as he captured your lips once, twice, thrice, never allowing a minute of rest.

When he did pull back, he was met with your widened eyes, shining in the light, and you bit down on your bottom lip to try and refrain from a smile. He saw it anyway, kissing you once more in a swift gesture and bringing himself back in what he thought was a commendable act of self restraint.

"I take it we are in Ketterdam," he asked, more of like a statement. It had to be true, since you were here. Unless he was dreaming, which he had a sinking feeling that he could be, perhaps trapped in a powerful lucid dream, some kind of sleep paralysis that had him smooching something akin to a squid on the prow. Unlikely, but not impossible, given his mood these days.

"How else would I be here?" you replied with a gentle laugh.

He held you by your waist as you turned, observing the forecastle he sometimes called home. Tolya freed his grasp with reluctance, holding your fingers til the last second and he fell forward a few steps trying to grab you back. You moved around the hammocks, ducking under a lamp with a feigned interest in the bunks. Tolya didn't like to use his heartrending on you, but he could hear your hammering heartbeat even without using his talents. He smiled in private, watching you with adoration.

"I arrived here as soon as you docked," you explained, still looking around. Tolya hummed with interest, leaning his weight against a support beam. "I was having breakfast with Nina when Jesper told me that your Volkvolny was coming to the harbour. I finished, paid and came here as fast as I could. You didn't meet me at the deck, but it was so early, I figured you'd be sleeping. I greeted your crew, shook hands with your new captain, hugged Tamar, stole a coat and then came down here." You smiled, spinning back to look at him. Your bravado was complete. "To answer your question—yes. Welcome back to Ketterdam."

Tolya loved when you launched into explanations like this. He had a series of entries in a journal you shared where you'd given full detailed accounts of your adventures, but the ink never did justice to the words as you said them. Tolya's grin widened.

"Kaz wanted to speak with you, too," you added, stepping back towards him and stretching out your hand. Tolya's stomach churned again when he took it with his own, feeling the small blisters across your skin from all your ropework and midnight affairs as an unofficial Crow. Like his own, actually, littered with chafes and burns from the ropes to the masts, sea salted splits across his hands whenever he got too heavy handed around the deck or in other ports.

"Let's go up, then."

You led the way, all the way to the stairs where Tolya enjoyed watching you ascend before following. It'd been a minute, he'd take whatever he could to feel like everything was good again. Once he stepped up out of the dappled light of the forecastle, he cringed in the brightness of the sun. It was never very bright in Ketterdam, but anything was brighter than the lamplight below. The harbour was alive with noise and merchants. He never missed the smell of Ketterdam, although he admitted that it was a stench that one really did grow accustomed to, as it were with any foreign harbour.

From the deck, he could see the stretch of sea behind him and back ahead, a small cluster of faces across the way. He knew them all already, each by both name and face, and he stepped towards his sister-in-command with you close in tow. His body shivered when your hands smoothed around his middle to manoeuvre around him and Tolya watched you meet your hip with Inej's. Tolya spared another hungry glance at you and then looked back at Kaz expectantly, as he launched into an explanation on affairs in Ketterdam.

The Volkvolny would stay in Ketterdam just shy of a day, giving Tolya more anxiety than it did comfort. There wouldn't be enough time for him to remind you of how much he missed you, and there was certainly no privacy for him to put it into actions instead of words. But business needed to be swift, that was if they wanted a good chance at catching the ships that both you and Kaz felt could hold the secrets to Inej's brothers' whereabouts. The Crow Club was magnificent, but no place for a love-filled reunion, and he couldn't see either of you feeling particularly romantic in the streets. With the Volkvolny being groomed for their next sail, Tolya resorted to holding you close at all times, with meaningful stares and listening with colourful interest about your life over a table in the club, while Kaz oversaw his business and friends reunited once more. Tolya ate up what he could learn about your life during the three months he was at sea.

You had been working with Kaz to crack down harder on slavery leads, finding nothing much about your own family and little to nothing about anybody else's. Inej had been given a much narrower list of names thanks to your good work on the streets, and Tolya heard from Jesper that you'd been a useful asset to the Crow's, although always declined the hospitality of their affiliation for some reason. Meanwhile Tolya offered what he thought might interest you the most about his time away; battles against rough waves, giant squids and krakens lurching from below, sharks and dolphins scratching the surface of the water with their fins chased by swirling serpents; funny tales from travellers in different ports, a retelling of Mal's first night getting drunk at sea.

Tolya thought, as you mused and laughed opposite him at the table with your friends and found-family, that you were most beautiful when you were off guard. As he stared at you, he felt his heart tug once more. In just a few hours, there'd be nothing left to look at, just shadows in the dark, voices in the wind mimicked by sirens as they fondled the underbelly of the boat, enticing deaf ears to the water as the crew grumbled and sang over their call. The thought of leaving you made him feel sick.

He briefly thought about what Tamar had said. It was true that Tolya had never asked you to join him at sea, but he was pretty sure he knew what the answer would be. There would always be something keeping you here, keeping you both apart.

"How long this time?" you asked, when you both managed to steal some time alone to walk along the dark streets of Ketterdam. With Rollins in prison and with Kaz taking command of a smidge of the barrel, you figured it would be safe out here. Besides, Tolya was tall enough to tower over even Fjerdans, and that was no easy feat. Anyone dumb enough to pick a fight with a man his size could break a few bones trying, even if you both knew that out of the two of you, you had more practice taking down the big guys.

Tolya dipped his head. "If we're lucky, then a month or so." He paused, thinking, "You said that list you gave to Inej was accurate, right?"

"I think so. Every lead I had took me right back to those three names," you replied. Inej had flinched at the sight of them, meaning your hunch was accurate enough to give Tolya the hope of coming back soon.

"If the winds are kind, and the journey is good, we can be back before it starts getting cold here," Tolya said, almost like he was making a wish at a well or a plea to a Saint. "Without any luck on our side, it could be longer..."

You frown, looking over at Tolya and tightening your grasp on his hand. "We'll manage."

"I hope so, milaya," Tolya said, kissing the back of your hand.

Once you both reached a bright streetlight, you turned to face him. "Do you think it will ever end?"

Tolya paused. "What do you mean?"

"As in…this search. Once you find Inej's brother, what comes next?" you ask. You turn away slightly, Tolya's gaze tight on your movements. "Suppose you'll go sailing to wherever next, right? Or…will you stay a while?"

Tolya knew what you were asking, obvious in what you didn't say. There had been countless times where Tolya had imagined himself throwing his life on the Volkvolny away just to be with you, to retire with you to some peaceful town with no worries, nothing at all but peace gifted by Alina tearing down the fold and enough money and shelter to settle down, explore the world, fall deeper in love. But the Volkvolny was his life, his meaning when he didn't fall into his faith. You were his love, his beloved, but neither one could expect the other to give up their identity to be somebody they weren't.

"I'm not sure," Tolya said truthfully. "And yourself? You're so busy with Kaz here, you may well be a Crow by the next time I see you. Your work seems to spring up like fleas."

Your mouth tilted downwards. He was right. Tolya was the love of your life but there would always be the issue of work. Without your demand with the Crows, what were you? Nothing but a shadow skulking around the city, tailing crooks, locating slaves? You supposed you could be more—you'd thought about it a few times, getting up and going with Tolya wherever he asked you to go. But those were dreams, frightening dreams you weren't sure Tolya saw eye to eye with. His voyages felt to you like escapes.

"Well—" Tolya broke through the silence, using his index finger to pick up your head by your chin. When your eyes met, he smiled warmly, kissing you. "Whatever comes next, I'll be there waiting for you."

Tamar stood beside Kaz and Mal as Tolya heaved himself up the ramp and onto the ship. You were close behind, shadowing his steps, cautious about even a step of distance. Tamar sighed loudly, and Kaz looked over at her and followed her gaze.

"What is it?" he asked. Kaz thought he already knew, but it didn't hurt to be sure.

"Oh, a lovers parting," she said dramatically.

Mal smiled, not quite reaching his eyes. "If they're trying to be subtle about things, they're doing a terrible job."

Kaz observed the couple. Kaz knew you well enough to respect you, perhaps even call you a friend, and he had no obvious qualms with Tolya. He'd never forget his loyalty before Alina tore down the fold, and had no concerns about him being a weakness to who might just be his next Crow. He stared at the back of Inej's head for a second too long as she helped someone heave some shipment to a different compartment of the ship, and then he looked back to Tolya and yourself with a funny feeling twist in his stomach.

"Why grovel?" Kaz asked. "Y/N can leave at any time if she wishes."

Tamar glanced over quickly, as if the news was surprising to her. "She's not working?"

"Her work is done," Kaz said plainly. Tamar and Mal's look of confusion made him twitch with slight annoyance, but he otherwise elaborated on what they didn't know: "I told Y/N to find leads on the slavers. She supplied the list of three and now you will be on your way to locate them. Her task has been completed, and she is free to go."

"Yeesh," Tamar said, "way to make her sound expendable."

"Everybody is."

Kaz looked back at Tolya, holding you in his arms. "I have Nina on a lead already. Until I have something for Y/N to do, she is free to do whatever she pleases." He added as an afterthought, "After all, she's not under my employment."

Hm. Tamar and Mal exchanged a look, but said nothing.

"Will you be here? When we come back?" Tolya asked you. From afar, he could sense his sister's lingering gaze, and he spared a look, alarmed when he saw her, Mal and Kaz watching the pair of you.

"Most likely," you said. You followed his gaze and nodded your head in their direction, Tolya leading you by the waist back to the step-down where Kaz stood at the top, like a bouncer guarding the way. Tolya greeted each one with a glance and a smile before looking back at you.

There wasn't enough time this time around. Tolya's heart wrenched as he looked at you, trying to remember every detail before he had to leave. Their stops in Ketterdam were never very long, but how he longed for a day more by your side, simply one more hour in your company. The thought of leaving you made his throat harden, tears springing behind his eyes. A blink would surely set them free, but he knew the ways to keep them hidden until he was safe in the darkness, not until you came to him in a premonition like a sick joke.

Tamar and Mal—Sturmhond, now he was back on the wood of the ship— gave a look to Kaz in farewell and stepped around the back of you to move further on the deck. Tolya's heart quickened and you watched them go with a rapid look, glancing back at Tolya with twinkling eyes, twinkles he knew were tears and not reflections of light.

"None of that," he said quietly, with a small smile and he reached out to cup your face. Tolya guided you close for a kiss, and a bell rang from somewhere in the harbour and his heart leaped to his throat. He tugged you closer, kissing you harder. Kaz looked away, fixated on Inej but giving you at least the luxury of some privacy. Tolya lost himself in your kiss, his fingertips brushing your hairline and he swore he could taste the salt of your tears between his lips. Tolya pulled away from you slightly, his eyes slightly wide and breath raspy and all of a sudden: "Come with me."

There was a beat of silence.

If other crewmates heard, they didn't give much away. Kaz had torn his eyes from Inej in a painful defeat, with no option but to assess the lovers before him, and truth be told, Tamar and Sturmhond never stopped watching. Tolya didn't allow the silence to kill his courage. If he didn't say it now, he never would.

"I love you," Tolya said. "I love you so much—eya fyela chi, hm? And I know that your heart is here, with the city and the Crows and your life but, Saints, Y/N I see you in my dreams, I see you in the water and the sky and hear you in the ocean breeze. When I close my eyes, I see you in flashes. You have bewitched me, you are in my soul. I love you. Whenever we are apart, it's like a torment." He gulped. He sounded a lot like some of the amateur poetry he wrote when he felt lonely, poetry he sometimes recited to his crew if he got drunk enough. "So, please, please come with me. See the ocean, go across the sea. Be with me, stay with me—come with me."

His eyes searched your face for a sign, something—anything. You blinked, bewildered, holding his hands as they cupped your face.

"But…" you began to shake your head, and his heart sank deeper, "but my work…"

You spared a glance to Kaz. He could act like he hadn't been listening, but it wouldn't do anybody any good. You were almost startled to see him already observing you.

"I don't need you," Kaz said simply. "I just owe you a debt."

"But, the slaves—"

"You did your job," he repeated. "So you're free to go."

Tolya was just as surprised as you were. He looked at Kaz with round eyes and met yours in a simultaneous turn. He wasn't quite sure what to say about any of it. Was Kaz telling you to go? Was he giving you permission, saying go, leave, or were you now useless to the Crows? Was it only because he had asked? Maybe you didn't want to leave.

"Am I fired?" you asked dumbly.

For a moment, you could have sworn you saw a flicker of a smirk on Kaz's face. "I expect your contract will need renewing upon your arrival. There are many things to do in Ketterdam, just not now. Not for you, at least."

You blinked. Processing his words felt like an eternity—you were free to go. Kaz had made it clear that you'd still have a life on shore when you arrived, if you even left in the first place. Marvelling at the thought, you looked back at Tolya. Travelling the oceans with him; being in his arms each night, getting to know the parts of him reserved to his crew, his faith and his poetry and his talents on the deck, seeing what caused the scars on his hands, what caused the creases in his skin; what he ate and drank, what he wore on different days, how his hair fell in the mornings when it wasn't fastened out of his face. All of that for the taking, and you just had to say the words.

Tolya's face didn't waver, giving nothing away as you said nothing to him. For a while, he thought he knew what you'd say. Tolya, I'm sorry, but I just can't—

"But where would I sleep?"

He hadn't expected that.

Laughter bubbled in his chest. "I think there's room for you in my hammock, if you'd like." He caught your look of doubt and grinned, "Aw, come on. I'm not that big."

"What would I do?"

Slowly but surely, Tolya thought he could sense hope building inside of him. You hadn't yet declined. Your piqued interest gave food for thought as Tolya studied your expressions.

"Well," he said, thinking about it. Actually he'd already thought about it, more than ten times out at sea, twice within the few hours they were in Ketterdam, "you could do anything you wanted. Gaze out at the seas. Play card games—in no time, you'll be a better player than Tamar. You could paint the decks, climb the masts, sit in the nest all day for all I care. I just want you to be with me, for longer than just a few hours."

Tolya's eyes were almost pleading. You gazed into them. There was no need to think, you already knew what you wanted to say. Chewing the skin of your inner cheek, your eyes flickered to Mal. As Sturmhond, you figured whatever he said went. Tolya followed your gaze and laughed when he spotted the source of your interest.

Mal's eyes flickered, like he'd been alerted back to the present. He looked around innocently, refraining from smiling when he caught the glimmer in Tamar's eyes next to him.

"Don't look at me," Mal said to you, shrugging his shoulders and raising his hands, "I'm not in charge."

When you next looked at Tolya, you were smiling. From the corner of your eye, Tamar clapped Mal on the shoulder and disappeared into the crew, helping Nadia unload cargo to a different spot below deck. For a second, Mal looked as though he didn't know what to do with himself, until he shuffled further towards the bow, scanning the horizon. Kaz was no longer on the ship when you turned to acknowledge him. You saw the shape of his coat disappear back into the masses in the harbour, and Jesper extended his hat in a farewell and turned to follow. Nina would understand, you hoped, as you were sure she'd still be occupied with freeing her 'hunk of meat'.

"What do you say, lapushka?" Tolya asked. He knew he was cheating by using the Ravkan tongue on you. You'd mentioned it was your mother language only once in passing, and he'd never wasted a second on charming you with it. He ran his hands up and down your arms, arching to look into your eyes with a wide smile on his face. Tolya grinned as he moved with your shyness, a laugh huffing through his lips. "Hm? Will you come with me?"

You laughed, giggled in his arms, as he brought you closer with a kiss under your eye. Squirming, you faked revolt, wrestling out of his grasp. Your smile told him your answer—the rest was roleplay.

"I know we're going far from home," he said, watching as someone stepped close to pull up the ramp from the harbour. The distinct clink of the anchor filled his ears, departure would be soon and if you wanted to say no, then now was the time. You never did. "But I promise I'll take care of you."

You gazed at him fondly, reaching up to steal a kiss from his lips. He lingered, his face warm in the rising sun. "You can focus on your business, and I'll keep you safe from harm."

Tolya gasped teasingly. "You know the way to a man's heart, I see."

He pulled himself away, with some reluctance, with a grin and shuffled to aid his mates with assembling the ship. Before he could stray too far, you hooked your finger around the strap over his shoulders, used to hold his ensemble of guns and weapons. Tolya looked back as he felt the pull, the adoration in his gaze never faltering.

"Only the hearts of men I love," you told him, and he smiled, bigger and brighter, tilting his head as his eyes folded into Cheshire smiles before he winked, dipping his head back to look at his crew.

You watched him retreat along the deck, his assertion cool and respectful, commanding the attention of the crew as they fell into their formations. Figuring you had time to find your place, you stood rooted where you had been standing this time, casting one final look at the harbour; you bid silent farewell to the streetlights and carts, to the horses snuffling as they loaded merchandise and travellers into the carriages pulled by their strength, to the place you lovingly called home, until a new one found its way to you in the shape of a man named Tolya, who wherever you were together became your new anchor, the new place you fell to for comfort and safety. The man you loved, yours for the taking, for a life stretching past the horizon across that plane of endless sea.

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baby-alien11 · 1 year

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hi!! i loved your tolya fic, and i was wondering if you could write some more about him?? maybe reader goes with tolya and the crows to fetch the sword and that scene where they're all hallucinating because of the poison and tolya is like trying to protect reader until they all pass out? just imagine the angst and comfort that comes with it and the aftermath </3 thank you so much!!

Hi anon, thanks for sending the request, and I'm glad you liked my previous Tolya fic

I hope you like this one, literally, this one of the first things I saw when I woke up the morning you send it

Of all the adventures that you had been in your time as a member of the Sturmhond crew, well prince Nikolai crew, this was the most important of all

While a part of the crew stayed to control the situation with the Darkling, his sidekicks and the shadow, you, Tolya and Zoya traveled to Ketterdam to recruit the crows to get help to get a sword that would help to destroy the creatures that lived at the shadow

During the trip, Zoya made sure to stay away from you and Tolya to give the both of you some space, but mostly was because she didn't want to hear all the poetry that the heartrender recite to you

Most people would found it annoying, but for you it was lovely because that was the way he made his way to your heart

Convincing the crows to join was easy the moment they knew there will be a economic compensation, so during big part of the day while Kaz and Nina investigate where they could find the sword, the rest of you were gattered around that part of the city, you and Tolya were trying food from the stalls while he explained the plate that both of you were eating

When the night arrived, you, Tolya, Kaz, Inej and Jesper entered the Ohval's house, while Wylan stayed outside, but soon the five of you realised that you were trapped and some orange smoke was entering the small space

But even with your Inferni powers and the efforts of all of you, the smoke was starting to make effect on you taking your breath away, leaving you laying on the floor along with the others, leaving no space to Tolya to try to slow down your heart as he did with his own

When you woke up, you weren't in the Ohval's house anymore, standing up you realised you were in some kind of medaow with a small house a few metters in front of you, so you decided to get closer noticing two figures, one big and one small, playing in the entrance of the house, making your curiosity to increase

Stopping three metters away from the scene, you soon noticed how the two people playing were Tolya and a little girl who was a mix between both of you making you shed a few tears of happinnes of thinking about a possible future with your lover

But almost inmediatly, the tears of joy turned into tears of desperation and screams of pain when the small house and his surroundings light on fire along with Tolya and the little girl getting caught in the fire

Even if you tried to help to stop it, it wouldn't work because you were an inferni, it could be worse

When the fire started to get to you, you suddenly woke up watching Tolya hovering over you with his hand covering your mouth

"It's okay, it's okay", Tolya said noticing your panicked look, "Just eat it, it help with the venom"

Trusting in his words, you started to chew the thing that was in your mouth noticing it was a weird feeling and flavor until you finally eat it all

Making sure that you already eat it, Tolya help you to sit in which almost inmediatly, you hug him thightly remembering the vision you just had

At first, he was a little surprised but he realised you must had a hard vision so he hugged you with almost the same force as you

"We are okay", Tolya said again in a recomforting tone, "I'm here"

"I thought I lost you", you sniffled against his shoulder

"You are not going to loose me", he assured you, "I promise"

#tolya yul bataar #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya x reader #lewis tan #lewis tan x reader #baby alien creations #shadow and bone #grishaverse #six of crows #tolya yul bataar x fem! reader

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raparopa · 1 year

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could you do Tolya Yul-Bataar x Grisha!fem!reader

you walk around the ballroom, you simply trip that someone was holding your waist it was Tolya, you apologize, you seem so nervous to see him but he very kind to you, so you two talk and lots of chemistry together *fluffiness*

(hope you will write it, thanks and have a lovely day)

a/n: I continue the marathon

warnings: alcohol

pairing: Tolya Yul-Bataar x reader

lady tidemaker

I really love the balls that the Lantsov family has always arranged. It was one of the great advantages of friendship with Nikolai, when you can freely have fun and have a good time during noisy holidays; walk the golden halls and dance with the lords or other Grisha.

And tonight was great. Nikolai returned, he was no longer called Sturmhond, he brought with him the Sun Summoner and now we could not sit out in observatory, hiding from Vasily's tyranny.

I grabbed a glass of champagne from one table, looking at my reflection in the cloche, admiring how beautiful my blue and blue caftan looks in this gold madness. The drink was sweet in taste, with small bubbles and a fruity aroma. I greeted and nodded to the Grisha, chatted with Nadia, even got to know Alina better, who turned out to be a very nice girl; I even managed to exchange a few words with Nikolai and scold him for disappearing somewhere for so long and not even sending a message.

I was glad, calm and a little drunk on good champagne. But who cares, right?

I walked around the hall until some lady blocked my way with her huge, pink dress, the train of which trailed behind her like a peacock's tail. I tried to make a clever maneuver so as not to run into this (wonderful) woman, but my legs had already decided everything for me: the heel treacherously slid on the pink fabric of the hem, and I barely had time to squeak something and mentally prepare for the fall as ...

Nothing happened? The only thing I heard was a splash: the champagne from my glass was on the floor.

I could hardly exhale: someone held me by the arms so easily, as if I were a feather. When I opened my eyes, I saw no one in front of me, but the voice of my savior came from behind.

-Is everything all right, tidemaker? - they asked me with a sneer, returning to a vertical position. I awkwardly turned to look at my savior and realized that I was feeling bad and good at the same time.

Tolya Yul-Bataar.

Oh no. Oh no. OH NO NO NO. My heart skipped a beat and then pounded like a drum.

Of course I knew who it was. I saw him and his sister next to Nikolai when they arrived. But close he was... Saints...

-Yes, thank you,- I said, not knowing where to put my hands and an empty glass. He silently looked at me for a moment, and then his smile turned a little sad.

-You got scared? Your heart ... - he put his hand to his chest, on the side of his heart. I blinked incomprehensibly. - Beats harder, faster than before. Are you sure you're alright, torrential? -he said, looking at me worriedly. I wanted to answer him, but his words made me think for a moment, and then my lips stretched into a sly smile.

-Sounds like you've been following my heart all evening,- I teased. Tolya's face fell for a moment, and then he laughed, awkwardly rubbing his neck.

-Y/N. - I said, holding out my free hand to him.

-Tolya,- he answered, shaking my hand. He had strong, but surprisingly soft and light hands. -Very glad to meet you, Y/N.

- Mutually. - I smiled. Why are my cheeks and ears burning so insanely?! - How do you like the evening?

Tolya shrugged.

-Now she has become much more charming Y/N. Even the appetizers are not so terrible. And the champagne is quite good.

I giggled at his words.

- Champagne is excellent. - I answered, twirling an empty glass in my hand. - It's a pity that now the floor will enjoy it, and not me. Thanks to that beautiful lady in the wonderful pink dress. I nodded my head at the culprit of our acquaintance, who now flickered at the other end of the hall.

Tolya laughed heartily.

Saints, are all heartrenders so adorable?

-I think the champagne problem is easy to fix. Unless, of course, the lady will allow me? - He bowed theatrically to me, winking playfully.

-ABOUT! Please! - I waved away embarrassedly. - I'm not a lady at all. Not at all. I doubt that Grisha can even be called a lady. - I justified myself, which undoubtedly amused Tolya again.

-Still, will you allow me to supply you with champagne again?

- How much help in one evening, Tolya.

-I like to help people. Especially so charming. Lady tidemaker.

#shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone season two #shadow and bone #tolya yul bataar #tolya yul bataar x reader

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heloisedaphnebrightmore · 1 year

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Change in formatting of dialogues in fics

Can someone tell me when the formatting has changed for dialogues in fanfics?

Lately I have seen multiple fics where the formatting is as follows;

“[Sentence]” said Character A. “[Sentence]” said Character B. “[Sentence]” replied Character A.

Before the usual format was like—

“[Sentence]” said Character A.

“[Sentence]” said Character B.

“[Sentence]” replied Character A.

Of course, I understand I have no right to judge, and everyone writes however they want, but as I personally prefer the old formatting, I was wondering when and why it has changed.

For me this stacked formatting is harder to read and more confusing, whilst the separated dialogues are easier to read, clearer and on the plus side resemble published books more, so I find it interesting that it has changed for some reason.

If it was just 1-2 fics, I wouldn’t have mentioned it but like 80-90% of fics in character x reader pairing tags of Criminal Minds and Shadow and Bone are written in this format. I have checked tags in Harry Potter and Bridgerton as well but nothing has changed there and still use the original formatting so obviously it caught my eyes and made me wonder. I have placed some of the tags I have checked in my tags.

I do have to mention I really like seeing fics where the paragraphs are indented, just like I did on this paragraph. Somehow it makes it easier to read, but then again, it is only my personal opinion and it doesn’t mean others think the same way or like the same things.

Does anyone know why and when it has changed? I haven’t read fics for months as I was doing my dissertation but now it has caught my eyes.

#heloise rambles #fanfic #fanfiction #x reader #formatting #nikolai lantsov x reader #tolya yul bataar x reader #spencer reid x reader #matt simmons x reader #sirius black x reader #james potter x reader #anthony bridgerton x reader #benedict bridgerton x reader #shadow and bone #criminal minds #bridgerton #harry potter #dialogue format

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euphoniumpets · 1 year

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Storming weather | Tolya Yul Baatar x reader | SMUT

Summary: You and Tolya despised each other, but when your brother decided to have you and tolya partened with each other on a mission that went terrible wrong, you and Tolya was annoyed with each other and had to go in a motel during the storming weather. However, there was only one bed and ever since you were a child, you had disliked the thunder. Waking up in the middle of the night, Tolya suggest that he could take your mind off in another way.

Requested? Yes by @smokeprincess24: you could do a one shot smut for Tolya yul bataar x Fem!reader? where she is a grisha that in the last months she joined the crew, she quickly fell in love with tolya but she keeps it to herself, she and tolya were sent on a mission but they get trapped in the middle of a storm in a cave,😏

A/N: can you tell that I adore writing a tolya x lantsov reader fanfic together?? and the enemies to lovers thropee??? I changed it slightly that the reader and tolya wasn't in a cave but only in one room and there's only one bed lol. I really hope that I write Tolya good enough or that he might be ooc in my fics.

Warnings: smut obv, p in v, no condoms in this one baby, fingering, eating out, female and male oral recieving.

''Can you stop pacing? You're disturbing me and I can't read my book in silence,'' Tolya spoke with an annoying sigh before turning to look at you in the room who wer epacing back and fourth. Your heartbeat was increasing by the minute and he found it hard to concentrate on the words in front of him.

You huffed. ''Well, my apologies that I cannot help but be worried for my idiotic brother while you are sitting here like an annoying goose,'' You commented as Tolya looked at you with amusement.

''Goose?'' He questioned and raised an eyebrow. ''Yes, goose,'' You replied. ''He'll be fine, he's with Tamar,'' Tolya replied plainly and went back to his book.

You had protested this whole idea from the beginning but your brother was stubborn like you and you had no choice to agree. Your brother wanted to go Ravka to expand his communication, for what - you didn't know since he was the older brother and took care of the buisness on the ship.

However, as you sulked around, you got seperated and got to be stuck with your ''enemy'' Tolya and he made you want to wring his neck every time he would speak. You and Tolya had a interesting relationship, you didn't even know where your banter even started between you.

You disliked him because you found him annoying about his poetry and his presence and you knew that he felt the same. So, when the two of you decided to go on a innkeeper for the night because of the stormy weather outside, your worst nightmare had begun when there was only one bed.

You couldn't think that you had to share on the same bed with the heartrender. ''Fucking scoundrel,'' You swore as your Ravkan accent could be heard by Tolya by the window. ''You know, I wouldn't believe that you are a princess because you doesn't behave like one,'' Tolya remarked.

''Well, be prepared to be disappointed, I didn't take the leassons that my mother ordered me to do so,'' You grumbled.

You couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. Your eyes were open as Tolya slept soundly next to you. You couldn't stop thinking and worrying about your brother because when you were younger, you wouldn't let go of him.

You and Nikolai were inseperable and this was one of the most painfully days you've ever been to be seperated from him. You could hear the rain from the window and you really wondered how Tolya could sleep soundlessly.

You jumped abruptly when suddenly you heard thunder booming through. ''Y/n?'' You heard Tolya's concerned voice in the darkness. You looked at him with a surprised expression since you didn't knew that he was awake. ''I thought you were asleep,'' You muttered.

''I couldn't sleep because I kept hearing your heart loudly,'' Tolya replied. You heard the thunder again and you jumped toward the sound. ''You're afraid of the thunder, aren't you?''

''Go ahead and mock me all you want,'' You remarked. ''I'm not gonna,'' Tolya replied, making you look at him. Even in the darkness, you could still see his concerning gaze.

''Nikolai, he would always comfort me, telling stories to distract me, but now when he isn't here...'' You trailed off and jumped again at the sound. ''I can't go back to sleep because i'm terrified,'' You admitted.

''Perhaps I have an idea to distract you from the thunder,'' You heard him say. It was then now you realized that he was so close to your face when you felt his hot breath.

''Tolya,'' You whispered. He was so close to your lips and before you knew it, he placed his lips against yours. Suddenly, you didn't hear the thunder anymore and you felt him tugging you closer to his body.

His hand around your waist on the bed before trailing down to your neck and then he flipped you over on the bed. ''Not so bad was it?'' Tolya teased.

''Shut up your twat and kiss me,'' You replied as Tolya chuckled before leaning down again. You grabbed his shirt and tried to take it off before tossing it to the ground. You grabbed your nightgown and tried to take it off while Tolya helped you and tossed it away before he was kissing you again.

Tolya laced his fingers against yours and kept trailing his kisses down on your chest and lower down on your stomach. You could feel the heat growing as he kept go down. Tolya spread your legs apart and trailed small kisses on your inner thighs, making you whimper and moan slightly.

You gasped when you felt his tongue playing with your folds and gripped his hair tighter in pleasure. You arched your back as you tugged his hair closer.

You could feel the familiar knot in your stomach growing tighter. ''Fuck, I'm gonna cum,'' You moaned before you felt him eat you out roughly. You gasped in pleasure when you felt the knot release.

You breathed heavily when you felt him kiss on your stomach again and gasped at the sudden feeling on his bulge rubbing against your wet cunt.

You felt him lean against your face and rub his nose against yours. ''Are you sure?'' You heard him ask. ''Yes,'' You whispered before you felt the tip os his cock through your folds. You took a deep breath in before he slowly started entering inside of you.

The two of you groaned in pleasure and began to thrust in and out inside of you. You gripped him tighter by the shoulders and wrapped your legs around him. He noticed that you began to moan louder and began to thrust roughly and faster this time without a warning.

You gasped in surprise when you felt the familiar knot building inside of you. ''Oh, I'm so close,'' You gasped as you tried to hold him for your dear life when he kept going roughly. ''Me too,'' Tolya grunted into your ear.

The pleasure was too much and you could feel yourself release. You and Tolya moaned in unison when you felt the hot liquid coming inside of you. Neither of you spoke for several minutes and just kept being in each other's presence before he moved away.

You hissed at the sensetivity before he helped you clean up and put back on your clothes again. ''It wasn't so bad was it?'' You heard his teasing voice say as he placed an arm around you in bed, tugging you closer.

''Shut up your twat,'' You remarked as Tolya chuckled, the two of you were slowly drifting to sleep whle you had to come up with an explanation about you and Tolya to your brother later.

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya yul bataar #tolya yul baatar smut #tolya yul bataar fanfiction #tolya yul baatar x you #tolya yul baatar x lantsov! reader

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i-tolya-so · 1 year

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Made some Tolya phone wallpapers for myself because I love that man so much XD

Tolya Wallpapers by @i-tolya-so

** Do not reupload or repost // Like or reblog if saved or used **

Photos of Tolya are from Lewis Tan's Instagram as well as the Shadow and Bone's official Instagram!

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depressedbagpipe · 4 months

Text

A Heartrender's Fire Masterlist

Tolya Yul-Bataar x Lantsov!ofc [Shadow and Bone: Season 2]

Plot overview: Ravka's youngest princes changed their comfortable lives at the Grand Palace in Os Alta for endless adventures at the True Sea on the Volkvolny. Yet now, Nikolai and Irina Lantsov must return home, if only to aid the Sun Summoner defeat the Black Herectic, and unite all Grisha and their home land once again.

Series Warnings: canon-typical violence, grisha!reader (inferni btw), nikolai lantsov is a warning in itself, irina too, the twins being the twins, vasily (unfortunately), i follow the show's timeline, some casual misogyny, dialogue copy-pasted from the show, forever bitter about netflix cancelling it, poor understanding about grisha terminology

A/N: alright so i don't even know where i'm going with this but I've had this idea for far too long and i can't live in peace without writing some of it, at least. also sorry for the book lovers but i really liked the show's timeline so I'm gonna go with that because i can ;)

Chapter one: No shelter but me Chapter two: Rusalye Chapter three: Like calls to like Chapter four: Every Monstrous Thing Chapter five: Ni We Sesh (I Have No Heart) [coming soon]

General Taglist: @angiewhoohooo, @azaleaniath, @mishaandthebrits, @celestialcharles, @idohknow

#shadow and bone #tolya yul bataar #tolya yul bataar x reader #tamar kir bataar #nikolai lantsov #alina starkov #mal oretsev #the darkling #six of crows #kaz brekker #inej ghafa #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #nina zenik #matthias helvar #alexander morozova #general kirigan #siege and storm #shadow and bone season 2

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infin1ty-garden · 8 months

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VALENTINE'S DAY

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ summary: headcanons of the shadow & bone characters on valentine's day ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ character(s): nikolai lantsov, tamar kit-bataar, tolya yul-bataar, genya safin and zoya nazyalensky ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ warnings: none ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ word count: 752 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ author note: NOT A MODERN AU! sorry some are a bit shorter

masterlist.

NIKOLAI LANTSOV

✦ He would overplan and over think every detail, he's worse than Genya

✦ Thoughts like "Which gift would you like better?" "An outdoor or indoor date?" "Maybe a date at the theatre?"

✦ He'd spent nights planning but nothing seemed right, Zoya knocked some sense into him. "I think they wouldn't mind all this expensive stuff, but you being there is enough"

✦ Would end up going simple, inviting you to dine with him

✦ The food would be some of the best you'd ever tasted

✦ After the dinner you would walk the gardens together, enjoying the fresh air when with his luck, he's being called back to the palace

✦ "May I have this dance," Nikolai intrigued by what your doing, takes you up on the offer

✦ The two of us danced until the meeting was on the back of his mind but eventually he had to leave but not without a kiss

TAMAR YUL BATAAR

✦ Tamar's mentality is more of "let's see what the day brings" but she does have some stuff planed

✦ The ship had docked in Novy Zem, a festival taking place near the docks. Tamar remembered you wanting to visit it

✦ The festival had carts lining the street with all kinds of delicacies from every corner of the world. Streets booming with colours. It was a beautiful site

✦ Tamar and you spent the day trying all kinds of food and just being around each other. She didn't mind spending all her money just for you to keep that lovely smile

✦ Then the both of you found yourselves in a local bar, singing songs you'd only learned the words to an hour ago

✦The day ended in a cot, somehow two people fitting in such a small space. You laying completely on her, sound asleep

TOLYA YUL BATAAR

✦ Tolya is the romantic out of the twins

✦ Still he would go simple being apart of Nikolai's crew means travelling a lot and that leaves out, a typical dinner date

✦ Living on a ship as well doesn't help. There aren't many places for a quite talk, let alone a date

✦ Instead he turns to what he knows best, poetry. He would spend days looking for the perfect book and then weeks annotating it. Underlining verses that reminds him of you or moments shared together

✦ He would invite you to the deck and by the time he did most of the crew were asleep. You thought he'd forgotten the holiday all together, you were wrong. He gave you a box of sweets he'd bought at the port in Novy Zem, along with the book

✦ You'd spent the rest of the night sharing the sweets and just enjoying each other's company

✦ When you finally had the chance to read the book, some of the poems described the stars lost in the night's sky, a sea of darkness, finding their true purpose upon the arrival of the moon. "You're my moon, the only purpose I need" (sorry it's cheesy)

GENYA SAFIN

✦ Genya would go above and beyond to make the perfect valentine's day date

✦ A picnic date if the weather calls for it with both of your favourite snacks, foods and deserts

✦ If it does end up raining a nice date indoors would be something she prefers over, a fancy dinner

✦ She doesn't mind dining in a expensive restaurant, but she thinks a more personal dinner at home, is better

✦ Genya would plan everything down to the last minute especially if it's your first valentine's day together

✦ She ended up getting her picnic date

✦ All kinds of foods were lined up in front of you as you enjoyed the sunny day and spending time with Genya

ZOYA NAZYALENSKY

✦ You would be the one planning the date and Zoya would act as if the holiday has little significance to her. You'd decided a date at a fancy restaurant was the way to go

✦ She'd loved it, the one you chose wasn't too crowded and the food was delicious. You'd talked about your future plans with one another, how your day had gone and so on

✦ After leaving the restaurant, the two of you headed somewhere a bit more reclusive to watch the fireworks

✦ Zoya too busy staring at the fireworks, didn't notice your hands putting something around her neck. Once she tore her eyes from the literal explosions of colour, she spotted a beautiful necklace. "Happy Valentine's day."

Thank you for reading!

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syllvane · 1 year

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familiar hearts- tolya yul-bataar x reader

a/n: half based on a request but kind of took on a life of its own! gender neutral, Nikolai’s sibling. can be read as a sequel to soldier, poet, king, but can also be read separately. marche is the reader’s privateer name.

They kill the Healer first, hands bound and throat slit, ruby red blood staining their garments and nothing they could do except scream, alert the rest of the ship that there are intruders.

They have Grisha of their own as well, ones who engage the Grisha on the Volkvolny.

And the Grisha on the Volkvolny are outnumbered, but they are excellent.

Tolya and Tamar fight in complete synchronization, perfectly able to predict the others move before they’ve even done it.

Tidemakers work in tandem to try and keep the sea calm while knocking off the otkazat’sya pirates, trying their best to even the numbers, Durasts bend the metal of swords and rifles, making them all but unusable.

Even you and Nikolai are in the fray, as much as he would prefer that you stay safe, you would hear none of it.

The crew of this ship are more your family than the royals preening in Os Alta and besides, you’ve never been one to shy away from a fight.

Nikolai is swordfighting the captain of the other ship, though he seems to be verbally jousting as well with them, judging by the remarks that you’re able to overhear.

You make your way through several of the otkazat’sya pirates- they are good, but they are not you.

You are a flash of blade and blood and for a moment, you see that Tolya hesitates while he’s admiring you, doesn’t block when he should and a blade plunges into his flesh.

You don’t allow yourself to scream, to distract anyone else as you dashed towards him, blades tearing at your skin, and put yourself in front of him, protecting Tamar’s blindside and her brother.

You’re easier prey for the Heartrender that Tolya was fending off, and you can feel your heart begin to slow as you swing wildly.

You don’t allow yourself to fall, even when you should be unconcious on the ground next to Tolya, and when you think you’re about to, a gunshot rings out and the Heartrender falls dead.

Your brother, livid, holds the smoking gun and with the rest of the pirates dead, rushes over to you.

“Are you okay? Do you realize how stupid-” His sentence stops, his gaze going behind you, to Tamar kneeling over her dying brother. “Oh.”

You collapsed to your knees as well, looking at the man that you would’ve died to save.

You put your hands on his arm gently, shaking your head.

“You can’t go. You can’t die.” You said, your voice breaking.

“You looked… magnificent out there.”

“No, Tolya, you don’t get to die. Not yet.” You said, more assurance in your voice and Tamar looked at you miserably.

“There is nothing you can do.”

Nikolai grabbed your shoulder, as if to pull you away and you shook him off.

You closed your eyes.

You can’t die. Don’t leave me.

You don’t see it, of course, but tissue begins to stitch itself back together- slowly, a Healer with no experience at all was trying to mend something that they loved.

Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.

“Marche.” Nikolai said hesitantly. You ignored him.

It’s gruesome to watch, how flesh moves like thread to reconnect itself.

“Marche.” Tolya said, his voice no longer weak and you opened your eyes in surprise to see him sitting, leaned against his sister and everyone on the ship looking at you.

And before you can notice your handiwork, your head hits the deck of the ship and the unconsciousness that you’ve been staving off greets you like an old friend.

When you wake after what feels like the longest sleep in your life, it is in Nikolai’s chambers and with Tamar sitting next to you.

Before you can say anything, she turns to look at you, feeling your heart speed up.

“You saved my brothers life,” She said, her voice uncharacteristically soft. “I’ll spend my life repaying that debt.”

You shook your head.

“Whatever I did, I did freely. Out of love.”

Tamar smiled and sniffed.

“He’s been in here reciting poetry to you, whenever he isn’t above deck.” She said, a smile appearing on your lips before she looked up at the ceiling. “He’s been listening for any differences in your heartbeat, so I’m sure Nikolai and him will be down here any moment.”

As if on cue, there was frantic knock on the door and without wait for an answer, the door opened, revealing Tolya and Nikolai.

“Be gentle.” Tamar said sternly. Tolya paid no attention, rushing forward and embracing you tightly, nearly knocking the wind out of you.

“Thank you.” He mumbled quietly, his words a prayer against your skin.

“It was nothing.”

Nikolai cleared his throat and Tolya smiled, pulling away from you and granting Nikolai access to you.

He smiled at you, striding across the room to hug you, more gently than Tolya.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like the Volkvolny ran me over while I was asleep.” You half-joked before realizing your mistake as Nikolai began to fret over you. “Nik I’m fine, I feel fine.”

“You scared me. You scared all of us. I didn’t know you could do that.”

“If it makes you feel better, I didn’t know either. Is everyone else okay? How many losses did we suffer?”

“You need to worry about getting better before you start worrying about others. I say this as your brother and as your Captain.”

“Tolya?”

“We’re in rough shape, but most of the crew survived.”

“Since when have you started taking orders from her?” Nikolai frowned. “Don’t answer that. Promise me that you’ll get your rest before you start healing others.”

“I don’t even know how I did it the first time.”

“Exactly, all the more reason to rest and wait until we can make a stop in Novyi Zem where you can learn from teachers.”

“Nik, I can-”

“No. I love you, and I know you just want to help our crew. I want to help them as well, but I can’t lose you. You have no idea what it was like, watching you fall unconcious.”

You didn’t say anything before nodding silently.

“Okay.”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead before taking a step back.

“Well, I better go make sure that the crew hasn’t mutinied.” He said lightly and you rolled your eyes.

He smiled, giving you a nod before exiting. Tolya made to move but Tamar reached her hand out, shaking her head.

“I’ll go. You two can chat.” She smiled and Tolya gave her a grateful look, moving to take her seat as she exited, the door clicking shut.

“How did you heal me?” He asked slowly and you sighed, shaking your head.

“I… I don’t know, I just kept thinking over and over again that I couldn’t lose you. So, sheer willpower, I guess.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Loving you has always been easy.”

#six of crows imagines #six of crows imagine #six of crows x reader #six of crows #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone imagine #tolya and tamar #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya yul bataar #tolya x reader #nikolai lantsov

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writing-havoc · 1 year

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could you do Tolya Yul-Bataar x fem!reader

you were going to gala, you felt bit nervous as you walks around and you bump to someone and it was Tolya, he hold your waist to be careful, you apologize, you two look each other, he asked to take you for walk, you two talk about his homeland, you really like to know him more *fluffiness*

(hope you will write it, thanks and have a good day)

The Gala

♡ Summary: Tolya catches you before you fall at a gala, and offers to take you on a walk to calm your nerves. You find he's a rather interesting man.

♡ Pairing: Tolya Yul-Bataar x Fem!Reader (ambiguous, please read indented)

♡ Fandom: King of Scars, Grishaverse

♡ Warning(s): None

♡ WC: 2.1k

Hello!! Thank you for your request!

I wrote this one ambiguous on purpose. It could either be taken romantically or platonically. I personally think Tolya is aromantic due to a line he says in the KoS series, but I know other people don't take it that way. So feel free to take this however you wish <3

Hope you enjoy it and that you have a good day as well!!

Please excuse any grammar and spelling mistakes

∘₊✧──────────────────✧₊∘

To make a long story short, you feel incredibly grateful and attractive. Which is perfect to mask the sheer anxiety you feel.

King Nikolai was in attendance at this gala. And while you had no intention of meeting him, fate could have other plans for you.

It could send you tripping over your own silk gown and into him, his guards mistaking you for an assailant and killing you on the spot. You could make someone else bump into him, throwing the imported wine all over his first army garb. Hell, he could even choose to make conversation with you, to which you'd embarrass yourself by rambling about the intricacies of jewelry making and metalsmithing.

Saints, you need to calm down.

If you're not mistaken, there's a table around here with finger foods and drinks that could help.

The crowd, however, is incredibly unforgiving. People remain where they stand, almost as if they're completely unaware you're trying to make it last them. You put hands on shoulders and backs, apologize when you have to tilt your body to squeeze between groups of people, and all you get are glares and judgemental up-and-down looks.

People really need to be kinder, more considerate. They're not the only people that exist in this room. How are the servers supposed to go around and serve the alcohol? What if there was an emergency? Is it really that hard to consider moving one step to the left?

Your annoyance makes you distracted. You step on someone's shoe, throwing you completely off balance and sending you falling to the floor.

The only thing that could make this more humiliating is falling into someone. Which you do.

You feel yourself flush, embarrassment rushing through your brain as you try and correct yourself.

"Oh saints, please forgive me!" It takes a moment to realize just how big the man who caught you was. His arms are rather large, but he's also just plain tall. He easily stands a good couple centimeters above every person in this room. "I really have to be more careful."

You realize now he's one of the Kings guards, but its more or less irrelevant seeing as he's so far away from said King. The stoic look on his face cracks a little, a small smile forming on his angled face.

"It's alright, It's only right I apologize as well. Forgive me for bumping into you." He slips his arm away from your waist once you get yourself balanced within your heels. "You aren't hurt, are you?"

You fix the gloves around your wrists. "Oh, no. Not at all. For as big as you are you're incredibly gentle."

"That's good to hear."

It takes you a moment to realize the words that slipped past your tongue. Mortification pummels through your system.

"I didnt mean- im so sorry once again. That wasnt the best choice of words."

This is just so wrong. This isn't how anything was supposed to go. And now you feel so hot, face even prickling at the increase in your internal temperature. The man eyes you, squinting when you begin to fan yourself.

"Truly, I dont take offense. Would you like to go on a walk? Its much cooler outside."

It's definitely not a smart to follow a man you just met to a secondary location. But with the way he's dressed, and the way he carries himself, he isn't all that threatening. The Soldat Sol tattoo on his arms also does well to quell any lasting fears.

"That would be lovely, thank you."

He walks through the crowd with you trailing very close behind. People part to make room for him, and make a look of disdain when they see you trailing behind like a duckling.

But the moment that fresh cool evening air reaches your skin, it feels worth it. Like you can breathe.

You allow yourself to walk to the edge of the wrap around patio that surrounds this whole place. The garden has plants beginning to close, no longer needing to open their petals now that the sun is setting.

The flowers are red, and butterflies are making their last rounds to the buds that are still open.

"There's a flower, in Shu Han, that looks similar to this." He takes a step off the porch and approaches the flower.

He's incredibly gentle, fingertips barely grazing the petals and slotting the stem between his fingers. He encourages it up towards his face as he bends down to smell it, a smile adorning this face.

"What's it called?" You ask, picking up your dress and stepping down to join him.

"The one in Shu Han is called Datura Meloxia. It's incredibly poisonous. This one... I'm not sure."

You hook a finger around one of the stems, bringing it toward you.

It seems tropical, which is strange given that summers aren't all that hot here and Ravka has a winter season. The stigma reaches far out beyond the confines of the petals, and almost seems to have a cloud of surrounding the end.

"Do you know a lot about Shu Han?" You ask.

He let's out a chortle. "I should hope so. It's where I grew up."

"Listen, people are everywhere these days. I didn't want to assume you knew everything about there just because you look like you're from there."

"Thats very open minded of you."

You shrug. "Doesnt do us any good to be close minded, does it?"

He let's go of the flower, putting his hands back behind his back. "No. It doesn't."

The air feels a bit tense, weighing on your shoulders. The way he keeps his eyes trained on the flowers makes you feel as if you may have made him uncomfortable.

"Do you know anything about Shu Han you specifically enjoy?"

If there's anything you know about people, is that broad questions are usually the way to go. From there they can get as specific as they want or stay broad.

"Poetry." He says, going specific. "Epic Poetry, specifically. There's quite a few poems from both Ravka and Shu that are quite interesting."

That, ironically, piques your interest. "Like what?"

And it's like you opened up a dam, water spilling out in the form of languages you don't understand but find incredibly alluring. He's like an encyclopedia, citing poems that date back hundreds of years and reciting the lines as of he has the material right in front of him.

In a way you think he does. His eyes will get glossy and it's almost like he's turning the page when he talks with his hands, staring far into the distance at something you can only hope to see.

He does his best to translate the text, but you can tell it pains him that there isn't a direct translation that will allow you to appreciate the beauty of the poem.

But he does his best all the same, and you give as much encouragement as possible, smiling wide when he says something particularly grand. He even cites romance every once in a while, and you feel yourself cataloging the lines to digest later.

Because it really was interesting. You've thought about poetry maybe three, four times in your entire life when your mom brought home a book filled with them for her entertainment. But never did you think it could be this interesting.

Or maybe it's just because he makes it interesting, adding bits of history from both Ravka and Shu Han when he can.

It's also nice to see his face light up just a smidgen when you express your own knowledge, telling him you do actually know about that piece of history and jump into your own session of info dumping.

But as all good things do, they come to an end.

He's in the middle of explaining a poem from liturgical Ravkan (who /knows/ that?) when he becomes distracted.

"Everything alright?" You ask, raising on your toes but staying off the side as you try and capture his attention again.

"I'm fine, yes. However, it's time for us to part ways."

When he looks at you, you swear you see his lips turn down just a bit.

"Ah." You don't bother to hide your sadness. "That's alright. Would you like to pick this up a different day?"

He hums. "Only if you live near the Palace."

"Actually, I do." That gets his attention again. "I work at this little shop in the city just outside the gates in Os Alta in the market area. Its-"

"The bookbinding shop." He interrupts. "I remember now. I see you almost everytime I walk by there with the King."

You smile, wide and feeling better than before. "Yeah. We make journals and restore books."

He's silent for a moment, eyes flickering back and forth between you and whatever has his attention.

When his eyes settle on you, he's kind. Which isn't saying a lot since during this entire interaction he has been nothing but, but still. He's kind. "When I have a moment to spare, I will visit you again."

You clap your hands together, then hold your hand out for him to take. "Ill see you then."

His rough and warm hand shakes your own. And with a nod, he's gone.

You watch him leave, walking briskly past hoards of people who part for him like he's dangerous or purposefully bump into him.

Once he's out of eyesight, you allow yourself to calm your heart.

It's mostly leftover anxiety from before he caught you. When you look at the shadows on the ground you realize you and him hadn't actually talked for that long. You just don't want to make a lasting horrible impression on anyone, and you hope you didn't make him feel awkward talking with you.

But, you think he enjoyed it. He relaxed a little while talking to you, yet still kept to his duty as the Kings guard and never looked away from the mansion.

You feel satisfied.

"Hello there."

A woman's voice gets your attention. She looks similar to Tolya, and you remember she's also a part of the Kings personal guard. Perhaps they're taking turns? That would make sense.

"Hello. How are you?" You ask.

"Splendid. My names Tamar." She wraps an arm around your shoulder, which you immediately grab to steady yourself. "Im Tolya's older sister. I just wanted to take a look at the girl thats got my brother in such a good mood."

You perk up immediately. "Oh, how lovely! Tolya mentioned you a few times while he was talking about poetry."

Immediately she groans, which gets a giggle out of you. "I beg your forgiveness. Once he starts you have to kind of yell at him to get him to stop."

"Oh, don't apologize!" You slip out of her grasp, folding your hands neatly in front of you. "I quite enjoyed our talk. I never knew how much history could be stored in something as simple as a poem."

Her eyebrows nearly shoot into her hair, a look almost like incredulousness passes over her face. She snorts.

"You may just be the only person who can handle that."

That, you have to admit, makes you happy.

"What else are you interested in?"

Tamar was a little harder to talk to for the rest of the night. She's not as straight forward as her brother, but you can find the little similarities that make her feel almost familiar.

Once you have to part ways, the King possibly getting what he came here for, you waved goodbye to Tamar, and began to head to your carriage yourself.

Tonight was remarkably eventful. And as you watch Tolya and Tamar head off into the distance with their King in tow, you hoped that every once in a while they would stop by.

If only to get to know them more.

∘₊✧──────────────────✧₊∘

Tags:

@xx-all-purpose-nerd-xx @kylie18 @morrigan-crowmwell @venomsvl @milkshake0

#ask #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya yul bataar x y/n #tolya yul bataar x you #grishaverse x you #grishaverse x reader #grishaverse x y/n #shadow and bone x y/n #shadow and bone x you #shadow and bone x reader #grishaverse fanfic #grishaverse imagine #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone imagine #tolya yul bataar fanfic #tolya yul bataar imagine #fanfic #anon

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sophierequests · 1 year

Note

🦔 Can't go back

Peaceful night with Tolya where you just cuddle and read books and recite poetry together (I am hopelessly in love with this man, forgive me 😂)

reading with tolya <333

Your bedroom was bathed in a comfortable orange glow when you entered, the only sounds around you being the turning of pages and an occasional mumbling coming from the man sitting on your bed. Tolya turned his head ever so slightly to look at you and his lips curled up in a smile upon noticing that it was you.

"Good evening, love." He put aside his book, careful to mark the page where he left off. "Tea?"

He gestured to the steaming samovar he had neatly placed on his nightstand, next to it, a collection of tea cups. It hadn't been there when you left for training in the morning and you were a bit quizzical on why he felt the need to have it right next to the bed, but you weren't going to question it.

"Yes, please." You let yourself fall onto the mattress right by his side and listened to him pour another cup of tea.

"Already tired?" he laughed, a deep breathy chuckle reverberating in the room as he spoke.

By now, your face was buried in the heap of pillows and you were barely able to concentrate on the words he said.

"A bit." A lot. "But I still wanted to read a bit."

"We can read together if you like."

"I'd like that."

→ to my event post!

#tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya x reader

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stray-kaz · 9 months

Text

Awoken : a Tolya Yul-Bataar x f!reader blurb

Summary: You are Tolya’s universe. You appear to have some kind of allergy beyond the norm to the gas in Ohval’s locked chamber and Wylan’s cure does not help you.

A/N: Just pretend he’s saying your name, not Jesper’s lol.

You were still out cold. The moment the foreign gas had entered the air, you had dropped like a stone and even the butterflies hadn’t woken you. Wylan had knelt next to you, concern radiating in waves, waiting, waiting, until Tolya had skidded down by your hip and all but shoulder barged him out of the way.

He had breathed your name and gently shaken you by the shoulders, but other than a brief fluttering of the eyelashes, you had not moved.

And now, the fighting had ceased and Tolya was no longer standing in a defensive position in front of you. With his gaze fixed on Sankta Neyar, he crouched and gathered your still body into his arms. He carried you to her and she glanced unflinchingly from your face to Tolya’s.

“That story you told, about your husband being your universe. Well, this woman is mine. She was not cured by the butterflies” he said stoically, though he was crumbling behind his tough façade. “Help her. Please.”

The others all watched curiously as Neyar passed her hands over your body and a rust coloured mist filtered out through your skin and clothes. Jesper’s eyes widened as yours slowly opened and you blinked up at Tolya, a slow, sleepy smile curling your lips.

“Oh, hello” you said, as if you were surprised to see him.

He let out an animal sound and crushed you to him, covering your mouth with his. Out of respect, the others turned away, but Tolya was already moving, carrying you away from the courtyard, through the empty gas chamber and out into the faded light, his grip on you never once faltering.

#tolya yul bataar #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya yul bataar x female reader #liss writes #shadow and bone fic

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jeanbie · 10 months

Text

LABYRINTH ★ masterlist.

pairing: tolya x reader

warnings: sick mentions, one-sided love, romantic relationships, character death that's a little bit lazy, angst | wc: 6.3k | ♬

note: all mentioned legends are things i briefly looked up and belong to chinese history (specifically the tale of the white snake). hanahaki is a made up disease but you can read more about it here! apologies for mistakes, if any!

★ thank you anonymous for the request!

⏤ Tolya wasn't sure what to be more upset about—the fact that he was suffering with the Hanahaki disease, or the fact that this meant whatever feelings he had for you you didn't reciprocate.

Tolya and Tamar's mother had told them countless Shu legends growing up, so many that they both had their favourites. Tamar always liked the tales of the white snake—her ability to transform into a beautiful human, but to bask in serpent seduction and harbour magical talents. As she grew up, her favourites consisted of battalions and bravery, but Tolya always liked the peaceful tales of kindness and faith, good fortune and health, the beauty of the world stuffed into stanzas and poetic folktales to send him to dizzy sleep and bright dreams. More than his sister, Tolya liked most legends and tales, but he had to confess that some of them scared him—tales of suffering and woe and heartbreak, tales of sickness, tales of misery.

His mother said that learning about all of these legends were as good as life lessons. As a child, that hadn't bore much meaning on his life, not until he grew up a little, lived his life according to his own needs, wants and desires, and consequently threw up two or three white petals.

Tolya knew all about the Hanahaki disease, for it had been one of his least favourite stories. Not once had he ever imagined it would plague his health, but he should have seen it coming when he met you. When Tolya and Tamar joined Nikolai on his pantomime performance as Sturmhond, he hadn't anticipated that you'd play a larger role than the Volkvolny's gunner, agile and quick, passing by in a blur. He wasn't sure exactly when he'd started looking at you differently (after a visit to Shu Han), although Tolya supposed it didn't quite matter anymore.

He was hunched over, staring down at the petals by his feet. They were oval, like lily petals, and for a second, he wasn't sure what he was looking at. Perhaps he was delirious, sleep deprived and seeing shapes in his own sickness. One seaman behind him popped his head over Tolya's shoulder with a bucket to give, but frowned at the white pool of flowers.

"Where'd you get those on here?" they asked. Tolya offered no answer, and it was fortunate that the seaman begged no answers to any more questions. Inside of his chest, Tolya's heart hammered nervously.

How could this be? He wasn't sure what to be more upset about—the fact that he was suffering with the Hanahaki disease, or the fact that this meant whatever feelings Tolya had for you you didn't reciprocate?

A bitter tang lined his mouth, and he knew that the rising sensation in his gullet belonged to vomit this time and not petals. Arching his head over the rim of the bucket, Tolya coughed up the nerves from his stomach, cringing away from the sick as he stared once more at the clean petals between his feet. A splash of seawater trickled through a crack above his head, drowning the petals in a frothy puddle. Tolya stared, willing the petals to disappear into the foamy white of the ocean, but even as the water drained to the next deck, the petals remained, white and damning.

The sky overhead was grey, clotted with storm clouds that ceased to move. Tolya twisted his head up with a frown, wincing as the first spots of rain dripped down onto the deck, sliding down the curve of his forehead.

Unfortunately for the Volkvolny, the storm in the heavens was the least of everyone's concerns—a thick mist sat on the surface of the ocean, cut into by the waves as they lapped up the sides of the ship. Tolya felt like he'd been at sea all of his life, and he stood almost still while other members stumbled over their feet as the vessel turned into the water, fighting the ocean's snarl as it advanced into the mist, where unexpected dangers waited.

The difference between pirates and privateers was the licence, and all the fancy stuff that Tolya didn't understand or care about. Nikolai was always very adamant about the difference, but he likely knew that other ships cared little for the distinction. All they saw was a ship, grand and foreboding on the horizon.

For weeks now, the Volkvolny had been on course tracking a slaver ship. It was immoral to steal children from street alleys and harbours, but this particular ship had a fine collection of booty on board that made the eyes of his friends glisten. Tolya had seen your eyes sparkle too—as a gunner you'd get your fair share of booty, and Tolya felt certain that anything given to him would be inherited to you anyway, simply because you wanted it more than he did, and whatever he did he did to make you happy.

"Steady as she goes," came the gentle warning from above. Nikolai had emerged from below, his eyebrows curled into a tight frown. Tamar busied herself up ahead, fiddling with ropes, meanwhile Tolya searched the deck for the sight of you. He found you standing behind Nikolai, looking equally concerned.

"If the mist gets any thicker, then we're in trouble," you warned. Tolya had arrived by your side as you stared towards the heavy hanging mist. "There's really no way we can stall?"

Nikolai pressed his hand onto your shoulder with a sullen smile. "Believe me, if I could shift the mist myself to make this easier, then I would." His hand tightened in good spirit, and Tolya couldn't help but zero in on the gesture. He turned to him after giving you a smile, and Nikolai observed the displeasure on Tolya's face. "What is it?"

Tolya blinked. You were looking at him too, your worry permanent. "Nothing," he said finally. "I just think that Y/N's right."

Nikolai smiled and looked forward. "You would."

"I'm being serious," Tolya continued. "We've been hunting the Swallow for weeks. By now, they must know we're close behind. They might use this as a way to—"

"If they attack, we'll have the upperhand," Nikolai said. But his voice sounded wary, as if he said the words to convince himself more than anybody else.

Tolya didn't feel like it had convinced him, and judging by the look on your face, it hadn't worked on you either. Nikolai pushed ahead towards Tamar and the others, assisting with the rope to make his presence all the more useful, meanwhile Tolya shuffled closer to you and placed his own hand above your head gently. You looked up while biting your lip.

"What is it, little duck?"

You huffed, pushing into his touch. Feeling your head soften into his hand made Tolya's heart twist with an ache. He knew that you loved him in your own way, but knowing that you didn't love him the way he loved you made the gentle moments with you feel unkind. You'd been his friend since he first stepped on this boat, taken by the wind and the merchant tales and the vast, reckless seas.

When Tolya first realised he loved you, he thought there had been a slight chance that you felt the same. He knew that his presence in a room made you smile the brightest, and you always sought him out in a storm or a row, tucked into his arm safely, protected by his source of life. You belonged in the crook of his neck, in the gap in his hammock. You belonged in his arms, in his hands, in his heart. But Tolya belonged to you in moments, and he knew you cared about him, just not in the same way. Tolya thought the world revolved around you and you alone—you were the entirety of his life, and he was just a part of yours.

"I don't like this," you told him. "Not one bit, I don't like this."

"The storm?" he pried. Tolya knew you didn't enjoy the stormy seas, as much as you loved the ocean and the life of a seaman. You were born to live on the sea, but that didn't make the colossal waves and thunderous crashes any less scary.

You shook your head, moving free from his touch. Tolya let you leave, feeling a tug to follow. "Not just that. This race—the mist is too perfect. I'm not saying it was conjured by them, but they will use it to their advantage." You huffed with irritance, "I told Nikolai about these slavers. Their ship is painted grey to match the storms, they can approach you like a ghost, never seen until it's too late. He's stubborn, he's young. He doesn't know everything."

Nikolai had dreamt of the sea and its open promises of freedom. Unlike you, who had been raised in ship harbours and in boats, Nikolai had been fed with a silver spoon in Ravka and took the sea as his calling. He was good at it, and make no mistake, both you and Tolya loved and respected him, but even Tolya had to confess that in moments of danger, most of the seamen looked to you for support. Nikolai—Sturmhond—would come first, but should he ever fall, you were his next best successor, his heir, his unmentioned mentor.

More than that, you were Tolya's left-hand, second to only his sister. Tolya couldn't picture his life without you in it, which he supposed only made the churning in his chest even more pathetic.

Knowing there would be nothing he could say to ease your worries, Tolya settled his hand on the nape of your neck and rubbed the nerves away. He watched quietly as you leaned closer to his hand, closing your eyes with a calming exhale through your nose and then pushing forward in Nikolai's direction. He watched you leave in silence—what was worse? The fact that he loved you and you didn't love him back, or the fact that he had to hurl flowers as an eternal reminder until either you changed your mind, he found a medic somehow willing to cut him open and take the flowers out, or until one of you died?

At the mere thought of the latter, Tolya shuddered and felt the breeze kiss goosebumps up his skin. The gesture was almost comforting, romantic; he watched the deck fill with seamen attentive to the looming mists and fell to his position, hoping the business of his job would keep him distracted enough that he wouldn't feel the need to cough up anymore white petals.

But to no avail.

Very narrowly avoiding Miradi on his way across the ship, Tolya lifted himself up over the side of the Volkvolny and allowed a flurry of petals to lift up his throat and out of his mouth, spilling into the ocean with the seafoam and seaweed. He hoped it would sink with the current, out of view of anyone nearby, but he should have suspected that Tamar would be close behind, concerned by his sudden sickness.

"Since when are you seasick?" she asked accusingly, patting him on the back. As if out of morbid curiosity, Tamar arched over the side to peer down at his vomit, surprised by the sight of nothing but sea. She had the idea to turn away until Tolya spoke next.

"I'm not. I just—" Out came another wave of petals. Tamar stared with shock at the white stream hitting the surface of the waves with a spit, and then she looked over at her brother with wide eyes. He coughed, heaving the dryness of his throat and then looking over at Tamar with an almost guilty expression on his face. "I—"

"How long?" Tamar asked.

Tolya stayed quiet, drying his mouth with his saliva and catching his breath. "Not long."

"Days?"

"A couple of weeks."

Tamar gawked. "Weeks?"

Tolya sniffed. He'd done a pretty good job at keeping his affliction hidden from just about everybody on board the Volkvolny. Tamar was the safest person to know, but it still made it more real, more serious.

"It's fine," he said weakly, hoping that Tamar might spare him the humiliation and leave it there.

For a second, it looked like she might, but then she bit her lip and looked up at him worriedly.

"Is it…" she started, trailing off. "Her?"

Tolya knew who she meant. He glanced in your direction briefly and then back at Tamar: "You can't say anything."

Tamar looked wounded. "It might help. In all the stories our mother used to tell us, they—"

"The last thing I want is for her to like me out of pity, Tamar," Tolya replied quietly, gently too but stern enough to keep her quiet. "And I don't think it works like that. The feelings have to be natural. And she doesn't like me like that."

"You don't know tha—"

"I wouldn't have Hanahaki if she did," Tolya said firmly, and Tamar silenced, mostly because he was right.

It didn't matter if he went up to you and proclaimed his love, mentioning he was suffering with Hanahaki because of your unreturned feelings. The choice to be in love with someone, with him, was yours to make, and forcing your hand wouldn't chase away the petals. He didn't think there was anything he could do now to change your feelings, not unless he died, maybe. But if he died, then it wouldn't make any difference. Tolya just wished none of it had happened in the first place. More than anything, he wanted the petals to go away, to wither and die in his lungs. He wished he'd been more on guard with his feelings, only dishing them out to those who could give it back.

Loving you was a game of self-hatred, but it wasn't like he could turn those feelings off, either.

After a pregnant pause, Tamar spoke again. "What're you gonna do?"

Tolya sighed again. "Ignore it. Endure it. No medic in their right mind will do the surgery to get rid of them—Saints, even I didn't think this was real until I coughed up my first petal. So, I'm just going to have to live with it somehow."

"They might," Tamar offered, but Tolya supposed she was just trying to be supportive, trying to lessen the blow somehow. "We could tell Nikolai. There might be someone in Ravka, someone trustworthy—"

"I just want to forget about it," Tolya said. Suddenly, he amended it, "and not through some sketchy surgery. Look, we've got work to do. Nikolai wants to push into the mist to find the Swallow within the next day. We shouldn't slow him down."

Tamar nodded slightly. She wanted to say more, but she knew it would be pointless. Even if there was someone in Ravka to do the job, it could seriously alter Tolya's feelings for you in general. Even if you didn't love him romantically, you loved him nonetheless.

The surgery, from what Tamar gathered from those stories long ago, not only rid the petals from the lungs but it also helped wipe away any unwanted feelings. The stories never covered those parts—what if Tolya's whole opinion on you changed? What if he didn't even want to be around you anymore? Somehow, she knew that would be worse to Tolya than him dying or it just not working.

She cast another short glance to the waves and then pushed herself from the sides and back towards the buzz of life, craning her head to hear the waves lapping under the vessel, the voices of the boat so quiet that her thoughts took initiative.

Tolya threw up a total of eight times through the night as the Volkvolny pushed deeper through the thick and wet mist hanging in the distance. He wasn't sure how long he could keep up the bad stomach act to keep the crew at bay, not forgetting you as you trailed after him worried about his condition. The last thing Tolya needed was you seeing the flowers—you'd know, or you'd think he was in love with someone else, both equally awful possibilities.

Around twenty minutes ago, the Volkvolny crept silently through the cloud of mist and was now completely surrounded. The mere sight of you pacing near the front of the ship made his insides churn, and he barely managed to stumble over the sides to release the new load of flowers. Tamar had done her best to shield him from view, but thankfully, everybody seemed preoccupied in the still cover of the mist, silent and alert for signs of the Swallow.

The Swallow was unlike any other ship they'd gone after. Painted white and silver and decorated with a litter of stolen gemstones and booty, the Swallow liked to go invisible under heavy rain clouds, perfect for storms that frequented the channel they sailed through. Nikolai had heard rumours of its dodgy dealings, and its insane stories of trafficking and slavery and expensive booty, but finding it was a challenge in itself. Now, they could be anywhere, beyond or behind, and the thin visibility did nothing to ease the anxiety of the crew on board.

Tolya spared a glance at Nikolai. Even he looked nervous—maybe he was wishing he'd listened to your warnings. Back at the front of the ship, Tolya spied your pacing figure and approached slowly.

He closed in with a gentle hand on your elbow, and you turned with a jump. He tried to smile, but the worry on your face had his eyebrows knitting together.

"Fear not," he said gently, rubbing small circles across the bone of your elbow. "We'll be fine."

You nodded slightly. "Yeah." Although you didn't sound convinced.

Tolya's eyes scanned your face, mapping out your features and concerns. Just looking at your face made his heart leap, a fluttering sensation digging deeper within. Becoming aware of the feeling made it more real, and only brought the flowers up faster; Tolya swallowed thickly and looked away.

"How are you feeling?"

Then, he looked back at you, feeling his heart in his throat—or was that flower petals?—at your pointed concern for his well being.

"Not bad," he said in reply. "Just under the weather."

You smiled at that. "Then go below."

"No, I think you need me to protect you from the mist and the Swallow," Tolya said.

Your smile widened. "Oh, definitely. I'm a damsel, I couldn't be here without the surety of you coming to my rescue, should I be kidnapped."

"Not that I'd ever let that happen," Tolya grinned.

"Alls well," you replied, angling away with a feisty bounce, widening Tolya's grin. "I'd die before anyone could steal and auction me off somewhere."

The smile faltered on Tolya's face. Just the thought of you being dead was enough to raise the petals to his throat, where he could feel them sticking to the walls of his gullet. He couldn't throw up now—not now, not here. He twisted away, half stepping to the side of the boat where he leaned over once again, hoping to remove the evidence before anybody could witness it.

He kept his eyes open as he spewed the flowers, watching them disappear into the ocean, sucked down by the pull of the water. Tolya felt his heart hammering in his chest when he felt your hand on his shoulders, coaxing him back to the world. His eyes rolled, his body light—and more flowers came up, spilling from his lips, pooling in the water.

Tolya knew you'd seen. There would be no hiding it, no denying it. There would be no prolonged suffering, no secrets, and there would be no way to disappear to avoid confronting it. Tolya let the last few petals tumble out before he looked up, far into the misty nothingness that surrounded the Volkvolny, until he had no option but to turn to you and await judgement.

The surprise on your face was blatant. With wide eyes, you stared at Tolya in confusion.

"What just happened?" you asked, confused. It struck Tolya, then, that you had no idea what Hanahaki disease was. It didn't exist in your bedtime stories, nor in your nightmares. Tolya considered lying.

He could try and convince you that you saw wrong. Maybe the mist was getting to your mind, warping your vision; Tolya didn't want to lie to you, though. It's not like lying would make the problem go away. Questions would remain, heartbreak prolonged. At least if he was honest, the issue might become more manageable. He wouldn't have to tell you who or why.

"It's a Shu story, or, well, I guess it is actually real," Tolya began to explain. "It's called Hanahaki disease. And I—"

"I know of it," you replied quietly, surprising him. "Some Shu pirates shared these stories when we visited for the light shows last autumn. It happens when you love someone who doesn't love you back…" and then, the words died in your mouth. You fidgeted from foot to foot, staring at him almost awkwardly. "You—?"

"Yes," he replied right away.

"Who?" you asked breathlessly. Tolya had himself convinced that he heard jealousy in your voice. But, he knew that couldn't be true, otherwise he wouldn't be throwing up flowers every day.

Tolya wrestled with the truth, offering white lies. "Someone from my childhood. I saw them again in Shu Han."

"You've had this all your life? Or since the last visit?"

His stomach twisted. "Since the last visit." It wasn't a lie—the flowers had only appeared after they left Shu Han, although it had nothing to do with a childhood sweetheart. He examined the look on your face, the twist in your features. "Why…do you look angry?"

There was a small stretch of silence before you spoke. "I don't know." Then, you glanced at the sea.

"Are you…" Tolya sucked in a breath, as if baiting himself into disappointment, "...upset by that?"

You continued to look out across the sea. Then: "I don't know how I feel about it."

His heart dropped, like it had just landed from a towering wave onto the sea below. Hanahaki was a bedtime story just a few weeks ago, and he reckoned there was more to it than what his mother might have said when he was little. It was blatantly clear that you did not love him back, hence the flowers, but why would you be jealous if there was nothing there at all, no spark you felt for him?

Tolya's mind raced. You were jealous, maybe, or even upset at the thought of Tolya loving somebody else. It was too late to amend the lie. Tolya, at once, thought of all the things this might mean: maybe you were just jealous that Tolya might one day leave the Volkvolny for this imaginary childhood love, or maybe you just didn't want him to settle with anybody, had an unspoken hatred for love and all things related. Maybe you had unestablished feelings for him that you didn't understand, ones that weren't powerful enough to be love but not insignificant enough to make you feel strange about him being with someone else? If that was the case, then could the disease be cured? Could you learn to love, eventually return the feelings, without him ever being honest about his unrequited love? Or maybe your jealousy was platonic, a fear of losing him, or familial, a fear of whoever he loves not being good enough?

Tolya was so lost in thought that he barely heard the call of the seamen behind. A scrawny seaman in the nest above had called something, but he didn't know what. He blinked, watching you scurry away across the deck and up to the poop deck, transitioning into your role. Ship spotted. He looked over the horizon, almost missing the outline of another vessel sailing across the sharp sea. The Swallow, looming closer.

The squaller's onboard hurried to tend to the sails, meanwhile Tolya positioned himself alongside the deck, Tamar flanking him. The ship leaned dangerously to the right, and he stumbled to keep balance as someone caught hold of the wheel. He tried to focus on your voice calling commands to those on the deck, occasionally hearing you poke your head below to the two seamen positioned near the emergency cannons. Nikolai never liked making use of his cannons, not when he had other amazing gadgets and weapons to utilise, but as the Swallow crept closer, you commanded the cannon operators to their positions, measuring out exact amounts of gunpowder.

The upper decks were chaotic, and the Swallow was fresh in sight. Tolya's heart stammered, but he slowed it down with heavy breathing, trying to locate you in the crowd of the ship. You were gone, out of sight, and his stomach churned again. With the impending attack of the Swallow inching closer, he put his mind off the idea of throwing up and looked at the closing danger.

Around them, the wind whipped, water splashing over the sides and onto the deck, pooling around Tolya's boots. The Swallow was now virtually at the Volkvolny's side, and he heard your faint voice shout, "Fire!" and the applause of cannon fire burst out. Decked with top-of-the-range Grisha tech, the cannons sounded like machine artillery, rapidly bursting into the side of the Swallow. It veered from left to right on the twisting ocean surface, teetering closer and closer to the Volkvolny. It clinked the side, and within minutes, enemies poured in.

"All hands engage!"

Tolya jumped into action, putting his mind off trying to find you and instead trying to focus solely on the task at hand. Busy with the task of evading his crew from capture or death, Tolya poured himself into his efforts, but thoughts of you prevailed. He could tell your heartbeat out of everyone else's, hammering, a reminder of your life. He felt like he couldn't breathe at the idea of you being away from him, somewhere beyond his vision, and the petals threatened to rise up from his lungs again.

The ship lurched with the force of the enemy's cannon, sending splinters of wood into the air, barely skidding across the surface of the deck. Nikolai scowled from his post at the audacity of another ship trying to destroy his own—luckily the Volkvolny was in dire need of a makeover once this matter was dealt with, but it didn't make the situation any less stressful and frustrating.

As if by command of the Swallow, the ship teetered in the wind from left to right, the wind so strong it had Tolya looking from side to side in a daze. Mountainous waves swept over the two ships, the storm brewing over their heads. There was no room for retreat, and with his heart in his throat, Tolya surged forward to thwart enemy invaders in their tracks onboard the Volkvolny. Nikolai's arsenal of weapons emerged in full, a choir of noise and anger, and Tolya barely ducked in time before catching a glimpse of a razor sharp arrow cutting through the air past his ear. It burrowed itself in the neck of a man just a few steps away.

Biding time, Tolya ducked out of the way as thick, black smoke crept along the deck, and he frantically searched the expanse of the ship searching for you. For a moment, he mistook Nadine as you, moving forward, until he spotted you jump past him in a hurry, calling orders to several other seamen at your command who seemed all the more eager to race into battle. He felt his heart throbbing in his gullet, the petals close to the surface—he swallowed them down.

The Volkvolny's crew advanced to the Swallow, crossing narrow planks and fighting poor balance as sharp and jagged hooks pushed from small windows on the side of the ship and into the unsuspecting Swallow. Knotted together, with nowhere to run, it would be now or never for the Volkvolny to put an end to the Swallow's unlawful ways. Tolya saw you cross enemy lines and without hesitation moved to follow, shadowed by several other seamen. A squaller appeared amongst enemy lines, sending a gust of sharp wind in your direction, and without thinking, Tolya raised his hands and with the flick of a wrist, the squaller was choking up, feeling the air crush in their lungs.

He needed to find you. More than anything, Tolya needed to be near you, ensuring your safety. He didn't care if that put him in the firing line.

An enemy crewmember attempted to manipulate the sails to wrench away from the iron clasp of the Volkvolny, but Tamar put him out of action with a grunt and shove of her long spear. Heartrending was hard work at the best of times, and she gave Tolya a warning stare, having noticed him crush the ribs and lungs of someone just moments before. It wasn't his way—she knew he was doing it out of protective instincts, but sometimes, instincts made you sloppy, protectiveness made you weak.

Shrouded in mist, Tolya felt the Swallow buck against the water, sinking slowly. Nikolai's master craftwork had punctured holes in the belly of the ship, water flooding into the lower sections of the ship. Foamy waves filled each cabinet, each floor, until it was swallowed whole. It gurgled like a drowning man, and Tolya's eyes flickered up to where you'd last stood, and he saw nothing but empty space. His heart raced, and with a cough, he spat out one single petal. He didn't even have time to feel sorrow about it, instead just stepping over it and heading through the smokey ruins of the Swallow.

A yell from behind him signalled that Nikolai and someone else had captured their captain—whatever else the seamen were doing could halt. The Swallow would succumb to the hungry ocean, becoming a decoration for the fish below, food for the salty mouth of the big and expansive sea. There was no need to fight, and no need to prolong the violence. Tolya stood there, breathing heavily, as his eyes scanned the deck. Through the thick coverage of smoke, he thought it would be impossible to see you, until he did.

He choked at the sight. As you pushed off an enemy, you stumbled, falling face first on the watery deck, choking on the salty liquid that filled your lungs. Not one enemy, but two—Tolya made quick work on the one snaking a hand around your foot, pulling you to the slanted edge, as if prepared to throw you over. Tolya heard his heart slowing as he put an end to the man dragging you away, and as you spluttered out the water with a desperate gasp, the other enemy grabbed a fistful of your hair and pulled you back, a blade against your throat. Everything happened in flashes; Tolya couldn't breathe.

The blade dug into the front of your neck, and Tolya saw blood spilling around the edge as he, without any hesitation, pushed his hands forward to cut off the beat of the man's heart. He choked, gasping for air, feeling the pressure of his heart squish into a flat surface, and Tolya thought that would be the end, that everything would be fine. As the man began to fall, the blade slipped across your neck, cutting into the flesh and opening up a flood of blood, pouring out like a waterfall. Tolya didn't even have the ability to scream.

"Man down!"

The roaring call of a seaman nearby had three or four Volkvolny crew members surging forward to pick you up, appearing out of nowhere like angels. Tolya staggered forward, his mind racing, his footwork sloppy. With Tamar guiding his arm, Tolya made it across to the Volkvolny, seeking you out on the deck you were laying flat on. Without meaning to, he shoved past the forming crowd, immediately falling to his knees and pressing his hands against your neck, as if to prevent the blood from spilling out.

Your eyes were wide, bloodshot and scared, and Tolya blinked several times in shock. There was nothing to say—nothing adequate. He could say you were fine, but you blubbered, unable to speak, unable to do anything but look at him, afraid and ready to die. Tolya cried once, his voice hoarse as if his own throat had been cut, and he applied greater pressure with one hand to make up for the other pulling away and stroking your hair. He didn't know how much longer he had, you had, until death arrived. He stared at you, horrified, guilt building up in his stomach. The petals fluttering like wild butterflies, uncontrollable, the tickling sensation stinging his insides.

"Oh," he managed out, lost for words. When he said he wanted all of this to end, he never meant like this. How could this have happened? And so fast, so soon, like a cruel joke? "Oh, Saints, oh—" He closed his eyes, feeling his body start to tremble. You gargled again, and he looked back at you immediately. What could he possibly say?

He sniffled, his heart in his mouth around the words, "It's you. It was always you, it will always be you."

Tolya hoped you knew what that meant. There was no notion of understanding in your eyes, no expression at all; nothing but nothingness as the life vanished from your face, your eyelids still and half-lidded, your whole body limp across his knees as the water lapped across your hair, hungry to take you to your bed of coral and darkness, a home calling you back as Tolya held you close, unable to say goodbye, unable to accept that you were gone. One moment you had been there, under his hands, all nervous smiles, clueless feelings, and the next moment you were gone, empty and covered with blood, a phantom on the Volkvolny ready to dance into the mist.

As several others prepared your body for the funeral at sea, Tolya could do nothing to keep his sickness down. He did more than spew petals, gradually only throwing up his breakfast, whatever food he'd been forced to eat by Tamar, and stomach bile and acid that sat on top of the eerily still water, refusing to be washed away. Hours and hours he spent hunched over the side of the ship, or over a bucket in Nikolai's quarters. The sight of his own hammock made the knots in his stomach tighten, and the only place he found solace was here, staring out of the smashed window in this little office, thinking of everything and anything.

Tolya hadn't thrown up petals in a few hours. He didn't want to acknowledge the lack of flowers in his vomit. Literally only yesterday, Tolya had wished the flowers away, but now he wanted nothing more but for them to return, to still be blooming across his lungs, smiling up from a puddle between his feet. The flowers were a reminder of your life, that you were still here, alive and well. He'd rather be throwing up petals and pining over you as you busied yourself on the ship. Now, his chest felt hollow for more than one reason.

As the Volkvolny advanced in silence back towards the mainland, Tolya felt like none of it was real, too preoccupied with his thoughts to even respond to questions, to think about the reality of his life. How could he begin to adjust without you being there? How could Tolya get back up on his feet and live, knowing that you wouldn't be nearby, seeking him out in a storm? Sooner or later, someone would inherit your place as gunner, and he'd be searching for you in their commands, looking for you in the darkness. Suddenly, he felt sick—the pool of vomit showed no signs of flowers, and another wave of sickness followed.

Tamar dropped by to tell him they were ready. Tolya almost didn't respond, but if he missed it, he'd never forgive himself. He stood silently like a ghost behind the solemn crowd, doing his best not to look at your body, dressed in black and grey and decorated with flowers that had been found somewhere on board. The sight of them as he dared a glance reminded him of the flowers, or lack of, growing inside of him. He felt a burning sensation behind his eyes.

The Volkvolny had never lost a member before, marking your death as the first burial at sea. Nikolai had mentioned it would be the right thing to do, to send your body back to the Holy Mother that was the ocean, yearning for your return. You always said you were born from coral, born for the sea—now, you'd be returning, wrapped in pretty clothes and decorated like a present. Tolya felt sick—a burial at sea, your body following them on their voyage, but no headstone to visit, no grave to put down flowers. Two cannon masters wanted your burial on land, and Tolya's heart twisted at the gesture.

"It wouldn't be what she'd want," Nikolai said.

It was true—you'd want a proper sea burial, cannons firing and all, the water wrestling you down until you lay to rest on the seabed to become one with the reefs. Later, he would be able to spot you in the shape of the water, the whisper of the wind over the waves; he would feel your spirit protecting the ship through wild passages. But he'd never get to lie beside you in the event of his own death, he'd never have a place to go to find you intimately.

As the cannons fired, your body sent to the calm ocean waves and into the slight warm orange sun, Tolya felt his stomach churning, insides rippling and curling and he moved to the side, feeling a rise in his throat. Out came a pour of vomit, hot and sour, not a petal in sight. As your body swept away in the welcomed embrace of the sea, Tolya came to terms with the newfound cure to his sickness. The flowers were gone, Hanahaki cured, the memory of you to remain.

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