#too much to say too tired from working. better people for it with better articulation can do it

[moldwood]

macklemore showing up as one of the biggest mainstream celebrity voices on this. remember everyone who stayed quiet

[murder-cookie-dust393]

Now, I would know better than anyone how a pianist works, so NO ONE can say I'm wrong. If you don't understand the following terms and concepts, that's fine because it's only there for detail and not the main events.

Birthday/Holiday fic of my latest obsession Crème brûlée

Ignored Duet

Synopsis: MC is a pianist on a train with a bunch of musician friends to go have a grand performance the day before the holidays. Yet MC shares a one-sided rivalry with Crème brûlée. But Crème brûlée doesn't like this rivalry, at all.

Words: 2.7K (rounded)

Tw: murder, poisoning, breaking into people's rooms, delusions, non-explicit violence, beheading, blood, Poison Mushroom is a hallucinogen dealer

You sighed and sat down on a chair in your suite. You were tired from settling down in your suite, after having to haul your luggage to the very back of the train. You really did love the interior of the train though, it was luxury. Even better, all your musician friends were on the train too! All of you headed towards the same destination for a big performance.

As a skilled pianist yourself, you were excited to have a special recital the Eve before the Christmas holiday. People were going to be cheering and complimenting you, it always boosted your mood. It made you feel worthy about yourself.

But of course, there was always someone who ruined everything. Someone who always stole the spotlight; someone who ruined your mood and self-esteem more than anyone else. That someone being none other than Crème brûlée cookie.

He was always the star of the show whenever he arrived. With his blank demeanour and introverted personality, he somehow, somehow got the admiring of others. What irked you the most was you yourself knew how perfect he got his technique to be. Every single articulation and note. You hated how he held the rigid, textbook-like principles to heart rather than the emotion itself.

You've eyed his sheet music before, dotted with neat handwriting and circles to perfection. It was as if his entire being was laughing at you for how perfect he could become at playing an instrument of keys.

Ever since you were young, you were praised for how emotional and artistic you could play. How dramatic the motions of your hands and tone were. How you could make people cry from the pure essence you carried.

But ever since you debuted, those compliments have grown fewer in numbers. Precisely because those praises were directed towards Crème brûlée. You knew the importance of technique and the technical parts of playing, but he was completely expressionless during his performances. He didn't shift himself to the sound of the melodies and harmonies, no, he didn't even move his hand like a feather to express lightheartedness. He was utterly rocky with his playing. Hardly any room for beauty.

And yet the people and the judges loved him for it. You hated him.

You sighed as you grabbed the blanket you brought along for the trip, snuggling underneath it. Your body absorbs all the warmth produced by the blanket.

For now, you aren't going to give a single fuck about this bastard.

——————————————————

Crème brûlée silently entered your suite, his eyes holding a look of swirling obsession. He approached the place where you lay, sleeping. He smiles and watches you, occasionally adjusting the blanket seated upon your body. You were more eye-catching to him than the girl with flaxen hair sir Claude composed dearly for.

But there was one thing he hated undeniably about you. It was the fact you mistook his obvious efforts. He wasn't trying to one-up you, no, he was trying to get close to you as much as possible. He didn't want to be enemies, he wanted to be the one glued to your side forever and ever. He craved the life his colleague Mint Choco had. A comfortable life with his other piece. Yet that damned one-sided rivalry you had for him divided him away from you.

He's tired of it. He's sick of it. He wants to yell at you, scream at you, rage at you that he's so sick of being seen as a villain. He knows better than to do that, of course. He simply needs to be more direct with his love it seems.

He leans in and pecks your cheek with the lightest of touches, his arms loosely resting on top of your body. His eyes lock onto your face for a solid moment before he stands up, taking out the note he had written for you. It was dotted with hearts and bunny stickers. Perhaps a bit childish for someone as sophisticated as he was, but he still thought it was cute.

He then left the suite with a little smile on his face, silently walking down the train hall with excitement bouncing within his mind. Fortunately, no one saw him, and no one noticed a single thing out of place.

——————————————————

You wake up after falling in and out of sleep for the last hour. You don't feel like getting out of bed, it's too comfy. But it's also boring just laying here, as you can't fall asleep anymore. You decide to grab the book you brought along with you. You sit up, reaching for the book titled, "How to Sell Poison Shroomies", until you see a note.

The note is dotted with hearts and bunny stickers, all the cutesy stuff you could imagine. But the contents of the note were odd. It was a treble clef, with some letters below it. In between the letters were a few blank spaces, and above those blank spaces were notes. It was very similar to the note-naming practice sheets you had to do as a kid.

Without decoding it, you tried to see what it said.

_ _ R L I N _ ! I T R _ _ L L Y T I R _ S M _ TO H _ V _ Y O U

I _ N O R _ M _ L I K _ T H I S. I W _ N T T O _ _ Y O U R O N _

_ N _ O N L Y L O V _ R!

You answered each blank, coordinating the note to its letter name. After decoding it, you read the message again.

DARLING! IT REALLY TIRES ME TO HAVE YOU IGNORE ME LIKE THIS. I WANT TO BE YOUR ONE AND ONLY LOVER!

You grimace, disgusted. A creep entered your suite and you don't even know who it is. What's worse is: that most of the cookies on this train were musicians of some sort. There was; Parfair, Black Lemonade, Mint Choco, Macaron, Carol, Rockstar, and that disgusting degenerate, Crème brûlée.

You sigh. Your life couldn't have gotten any more annoying.

——————————————————

Crème brûlée was excited as he went to the dining car for food. Even if he didn't change his avid poker face, he was still bouncing around inside. He decided to sit himself at the table next to yours, making sure to look nice and tidy. He can't be ruining himself after all! He needs to be perfect!

When he glanced himself over at you though, he felt a little discouraged. You look annoyed like something went completely wrong. He was a bit worried. Did someone make you feel bad about yourself?

He then spoke with a calm tone, "MC? What's wrong? You look a little out of it." He unmasked the poker face and made a little frown. He was trying his best to express his worry.

"Nothing. I just hit my leg earlier."

Your response was so harsh, so cold. He felt his heart drop and maybe break a little. Did you not see his note? He hoped you would finally change, but it seems you haven't! The horror! He turned back to his food, staring at it.

Was it the cutesy bunny stickers? Was it too much? He thought you wouldn't mind his little effort in trying to make it look nice. Unless...No, you possibly couldn't have, right?

He glanced over at Parfait and noticed the bunny charm in her hair. No, no, no! You must have mistaken his note as Parfait's! The gears in his mind whirl as he tries to think of another plan.

What if he gets rid of the possibility? If he gets rid of Parfait, then naturally you would think the bunny stickers were from him, right? It's just the process of elimination.

He smiles as he cooks up a way to terminate Parfait from your life. Permanently.

——————————————————

In the evening, everybody was having a little card party. A feisty round of Uno, with everybody screaming at each other in rage. A true act of comedy. That was until a blood-curdling scream came from Rockstar, who was on the way to grab something from Parfait.

"P-Parfait's been killed to crumbs!" Rockstar shouted as he pointed to the suite. Which was covered everywhere in blood, and her head rolled off to a corner of the room. A scene one too many levels gory.

Within moments cookies are surrounding Parfait's suite; disgusted, horrified, saddened, and all sorts of negative emotions. Even Crème brûlée looked scared. They all look at each other, trying to suspect a culprit. No one stood too close to each other, not even Carol, who was one of the nicest cookies ever.

Until you notice something odd about the crime scene. You notice the bunny charm that Parfait had worn in her hair earlier that day. It stared back at you, its cute smile plastered on its face. Surrounding the charm was a blood stain shaped into a heart.

Your heart freezes.

That bunny. That fucking bunny sticker on that note this morning.

The killer was awake and was prowling for you.

——————————————————

You couldn't sleep. You didn't know what to do. On one hand, you wanted to tell the others about your discovery, but the killer might come for you faster than before. Your only option was to wait it out until you arrived at your destination, playing a horrid game of survival. The biggest thing is that you need to find out who the killer is.

You take the note off the table, staring at it. You observe every line and curve of the sender's handwriting. It was neat, but messy on a few edges. You started to eliminate cookies in your head that you didn't think matched the handwriting. It couldn't be Carol or Macaron for sure, they had pretty and consistent writing.

Your only suspects remaining were Black Lemonade, Mint Choco, Rockstar, and Crème brûlée. You've seen Rockstar's handwriting before. It was god awful, literally a bunch of scribbles and lightning bolts. So it couldn't be him. Mint Choco wrote in cursive only, so you doubted it was him either.

You were left with two cookies now: Black Lemonade and Crème brûlée. You've seen Crème brûlée's handwriting before, on his sheet music. It was never consistent. Sometimes it was fabulous print and other times looked like a hurried cursive. But he was your enemy, and he would never spend time writing a cutesy love note. Although...you did remember hearing him get accused of murder last year's Christmas.

You don't think it's him. He's too much of a cocky bastard to care about such things. Then it could only mean...Black Lemonade.

It would make sense, considering they were at Summer Soda Fest together. Black Lemonade might of had a bad interaction with Parfait. But you need someone who was there to tell you if they knew anything about the event. Aha! Rockstar. He would know any tension between the two guitarists.

——————————————————

The next day, you discreetly knock on Rockstar's suite door. He opens the sliding door a minute later, managing to smile during these grim times. After seating yourself on a seat, you hold out the note to him, showing the offsetting love note you got.

"So yesterday morning, I got this note from someone. Do you see the bunny stickers? Well, Parfait had a bunny charm in her hair yesterday." You explain, emphasizing the shiny bunny stickers that were dotted all over the paper.

"Yeah, I noticed the bunny charm at the body last night. Do you have a suspect?" He answers, sipping on a can of soda.

"I do. But I don't know for sure yet. Was there any tension between Black Lemonade and Parfait?"

He hums for a moment, thinking. It takes a few seconds before he shakes his head, "Nah, not that I can remember. I don't think interacted a lot in the first place."

You freeze for a second. You stare at him before quiet mumbling, "No? Then that can only mean...No it can't be, I-" You blink, wondering if you should tell him, "Could it be Crème brûlée?"

He glances at the note again before shifting his eyes back to you. "I don't know him that well, but I doubt it. He's kind of...isolated. Plus, he never seemed malicious to Parfait."

"Then who could it be..." You grab onto the door handle, slowly opening it. "Well, thanks for helping. I need to find the killer soon."

As you leave his suite and head back to yours, your own intuition feels like something is off. The suspects and the handwriting weren't adding up right. Could it be someone not even a part of the passengers? That's a whole new gate of hell that you didn't want to enter quite just yet. You open the door and lay down on your makeshift bed. Letting the paper flutter to the ground.

You stared up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to suck out details from past interactions and your own knowledge. That is until you hear a creak. You look beneath your bed out of curiosity and see nothing. It was probably a squeak from the train.

"Do you like ignoring me?"

The voice made you flinch, you flip your head to see Crème brûlée standing there with a frown. How did he get in here? You had your door locked due to protocols.

"Crème brûlée? How did you get in here?"

"Stop ignoring me. I hate it." His voice is sharp, cutting through your question. He approaches you, picking up the note off the floor. He shoves it in front of your face. "I wrote this. Not Parfait, not Black Lemonade, not Mint Choco, not anyone but me."

Your body feels like it's encased in cement. You couldn't move as you stared at him with widened eyes. "You...killed Parfait?" Terror pounds through your veins. You back away from him, your back hitting against the wall. "Wha- Why would you do such a thing?" This was working out a lot worse than you had thought it would be.

"Because, you mistook my precious, my sweet and thoughtful note as Parfait's!" He suddenly exclaimed, a look of madness bouncing around his expression. "You were supposed to be loving me! I originally planned for us to nerd out on Brahms literature, but instead here you are trying to play detective for a worthless crime case."

For a period you couldn't respond, speechless from his words. What kind of delusional narcissist was he? Did he really believe you'll instantly fall in love with him after you realize the note was from him? Of course the fuck not! In a state of anger, you pounce on him. Hitting his face and shoulders as much as you could. But instead of pain or hurt, his face depicted laughter.

"Darling, darling, your hits won't work on me. My dough is a lot stiffer than you would think." He pushed you off of him, and before you could regain your footing he was hugging you tight, smiling. "No need to care now, they're all going to be dead soon."

In a state of rage and grief, you scream at him, "What do you mean them? Who? You heartless monster!" You struggle in his grasp, trying to wriggle away. He was right, he seemed to be much stronger than he looked.

"Oh, just a few poison shrooms in breakfast. A little kid told me to take some when I was rambling about my jealousy the other day." He caressed the hair on your head. This was the longest you've ever seen him smiling. "Don't worry, I calculated which plate would go to your suite so you aren't poisoned.

You've lost the energy to fight anymore. Your friends were all going to vanish soon. And you had no way to help them. On a train, in the stupid snow of the middle of nowhere. It was as if your own luck was laughing at you. The performance you were so excited about was just a mere side note.

"How could you? How fucking could you?" You mumble, feeling too drained to scream and shout at him. You didn't want to even look at this wretched murderer.

"Shh...I know you were so excited about the performance, I know. We can have our own little recital in the banquet car. Just you and me. I even brought a few duet books for us to sight read too." He giggled, kissing your cheek. "You know, bonding time."

You slumped down onto his shoulder, exhausted. Dead inside. What a merry holiday it was.

——————————————————

We're not gonna talk about the child with the mental capacity of a 9 year old driving the fucking train (Yes it's Poison Mushroom)

Dude writing this was literally digging a plot hole, and filling it. And repeat that 10 times. Anyway, hope you enjoyed!

I have to wait 2 more hours before my birthday presents- shit fuck.

- Celina

[c-kiddo]

tmn are all nd: a bunch o headcanons

(a sequel to these trans headcanons lol)

(also, warning before that this post is about neurodivergency and mental illness, so various mental illnesses will be mentioned. i dont want to single any out here, but you should probably skip this if thats something thats upsetting 2 you)

(also also, this is a infodump and not super in-depth or articulate, so sorry if i worded things wrong because i don’t mean to lol im just bad at reading things on screens so it might get jumbled. . )

beau: she’s got adhd and will hyperfocus and work All night on her theories and notes. perhaps she has audhd, has low-ish empathy and doesnt know how to regulate volume or realise her tone is usually annoyed sounding ksjnjkfs :''') also she has depression n that combined with adhd made her especially impulsive and self destructive, but she’s working on it, getting better :’) also had problems with substance abuse but the cobalt soul (dairon specifically) helped her get out of that. has cptsd because of her upbringing and abuse from her dad 

fjord: he’s got adhd too, babey!!!! also he’s got tourettes and his most common tics are: clearing his throat, a small head tilt, raising his eyebrows and grinding his teeth. he's a bit (a lot) impulsive and him and beau cant be trusted alone together they will get distracted and into trouble

yasha: she's autistic!! mostly effected by th social aspect of it.. like, talking to people is hard and she doesn’t get jokes or sayings and its all just tiring. also has p bad social anxiety. also memory loss from trauma as per canon.. struggles with when she does start to remember things but luckily has a support system so she doesnt just run off on her own like before :')  she also tends to disappear off like that due to sensory overload and just being overwhelmed in general bc of autism

caleb: i mean, he’s autistic n its basically canon. he experiences psychosis and has ptsd n depression/anxiety that has come from his trauma. he already had OCD before trauma and his obsessions revolve around hurting others A Lot, especially with fire after his trauma.. he also has dermatillomania due to ocd and anxiety. also has some sort of disordered eating in a self-punishment way.. .

veth: she has autistic-girlie-who-was-diagnosed-as-an-adult swag .. . and then the substance addiction that often comes with that i guess :''') .. also think she has body dysmorphia of course, especially during her being Nott, and some lingering things after too.. she just struggles to perceive her body for a while.. yeza rly helps ground her back to herself tho so thats nice :' ) . also she ptsd from her own murder + drowning , as per canon

molly: has npd and also he has a traumatic brain injury caused by all the things going on in his brain when his souls leave and he dies and things.. so struggles sometimes to find the right words and with memory and with mood regulation. also experiences psychosis and just, in general, strange things going on in his brain.. . also he likes sounds and textures all the time but will sacrifice th sounds for hanging out with yasha because its 110% worth it to sit with her instead ;w; they sign to eachother sometimes and have a made up sort of language

jester: she's got adhd and it means she loves having 10 conversations at once and spinning around and telling you all about her fave romance novel at lightning speed. she stims like all the time with little objects and ribbons and bells. also accidentaly yells a lot sknfsk and same as molly, likes noise n things all the time, gets kinda anxious or sad without it.. ;-; oh jester,, filling up space with noise so she doesnt have to be in the quiet..im not sure if i have any more thoughts about her rn :o

caduceus: he’s autistic (so overwhelmed by noises and too much all the time, also his empathy is fluctuating and he's not sure how to perceive it.. its confusing, he can be very empathetic and then, sometimes he's just in focus-mode and totally doesnt get at all what the vibes th other person is putting out is).. he’s got (inattentive) adhd. also depersonalisation derealisation disorder. and experiences psychosis since it was triggered by being alone in the grove so long + consuming hallucinogens a lot. he tends to just deal with it and not to tell tmn though, even though most of the time there's some little whispery noise or a fuzzy shape around, he's not scared mostly, only when he's triggered by something... also bad anxiety sometimes that he doesnt know how to deal with so he usually casts calm emotions on himself to help, or the herbs he chews (or smokes) for his joint pain help it. and also, his eating is Disorded but doesn’t quite realise (denial, ignoring it perhaps) the eating habits he has aren’t healthy,... he's just. kinda messed up still from all that time alone.. he had his own odd sometimes nonsensical reasons behind ways he treated his body and some of them stuck. also omg this section is a mile long im sorry,  but also he has dyslexia and dyspraxia and dyscalculia . .. numbers and letters and walking without bumping into stuff is tricky. also thats why his fine motor skills for writing /drawing aren't so good like in canon :-3 

ok,. thee end. good night now u_u zz

[daydream-cement]

Hi! I wanted to make a request for a Larissa X reader one-shot where the reader slowly starts to distance themself from her (sometimes the thoughts just win, ya know) and Larissa is concerned, trying to get them to talk to her and open up about what's happening, but they shrug it off as being tired. Reader falls into some no so healthy habits and coping mechanisms, eventually going to her because they're scared of what they might do if they continue down that path.

As I type this I realise how dark it sounds but I would be so interested to see where you take it, I absolutely love all of your other stories!!

Talk To Me

Larissa Weems x Reader

Authors Note: I’m going to write what I know here. I know there are more extreme coping mechanisms, but I’m not looking to trivialize experiences that I, myself, do not fully understand.

Warning: veiled descriptions of depression and mental illness

You sat on the couch watching reruns of you-didn’t-care-what. Actually, you weren’t watching, you were scrolling on your phone. Even your scrolling through your apps was more mindless. You could have sworn that the inside of your skull was filled with a black fog that just wouldn’t go away.

“How are you doing, honey?” Larissa came over the back of the couch, her lips pressing themselves to your temple. She had just gotten home from work and you could tell she was happy to see you. You were struggling to feel much of anything lately. You hated the numbness and it was beginning to scare you.

“Mmm, good. And you?” You don’t look up from your phone or turn to kiss her.

Larissa doesn’t seem to notice as she hangs her jacket over the back of a chair and drops her back into its seat. She walks around the couch and plops down next to you, drawing you into her embrace, “Talk to me. You okay, honey? You seem a little off. Something happen at work?”

How could you explain to her the pain you felt without having any visible injuries?

“No, no, I’m okay. I’m just tired, I think.” You lied. You knew something was wrong, but the emotions felt too complex to articulate.

“Okay, baby. If you need anything, you know you can talk to me.” Larissa didn’t press, but you could tell that she didn’t believe you.

You skipped work three days in a row. Larissa typically would have never noticed, but when she came home to find you laying in the living room, there was no hiding it any longer. You hadn’t left your pajamas, didn’t have your phone, and the TV was off. You had chosen to just sit in the quiet room with your thoughts.

“Y/n… What’s going on…?” Larissa was slow in her movements. She set her things down and gingerly made her way to your side. She sat on the floor by your face so she could look at you.

Tears were already running down your face, you needed to tell her, you needed to share something with her. Larissa couldn’t take it when she saw you cry. She guided you off the couch and pulled you into her lap so she could hug and hold you.

When you finally calmed down your tears, you were able to verbalize some of your emotions, “I’m just so empty. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. Many people go through this, y/n.” Larissa was quick with her reply and her serious tone made you know her words were honest and true.

“But I want it to stop…” You were able to say before you started crying again.

Larissa sat and rocked you for a moment, gently shushing you before she spoke, “Then we may need some help. Perhaps we could find someone for you to talk to. Everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes.”

You liked how she said ‘we’. You knew you weren’t in this alone. You kept talking to her, describing the emotions and how they made you feel. You truly felt a little bit better after talking about it with her. Getting the feelings out on the table made everything feel that much more bearable.

“You and me, baby. We will get through this.” Larissa held you close, like she was never going to let go. In that moment, you knew that with her support, you were going to find ways to cope and feel better.

[aithusarosekiller]

Hi Archie! How’s your day going?

The Crowley was Raphael theory? Tell me more Archie! I need to know more..

Hiiii

I'm pretty good actually :D how are you?

It's really late rn and I'm so tired sleeping this so ignore any mistakes haha!

I've rambled about this theory too much lately so I'm just gonna say random stuff and tag the theory tag so you can indulge in everyone else's thoughts but basically

Based on all the teasing in s2, I think we're getting a reveal in s3 and I think that either

1) Crowley will be revealed to have been the previously missing Raphael (which seems to line up well with a lot: the snake thing, the 'I think I understand better than you do' thing, the everyone knows him thing, the knows god personally thing, the 'Raphael seems to be conveniently not mentioned...maybe to hide heaven's institutional problems?' thing, the 'walks on earth and helps protect humans' thing, the 'is Lucifer Satan in this universe? And he says 'Lucifer and the guys at one point but who knows how he meant it' thing, the 'how do you know it wasn't me?' In reference to archangel power thing, the 'close enough to god to think he's safe asking questions' thing, the whole 'his bitterness towards Gabriel feeling distinctly sibling-y even if it was rooted in love for aziraphale' thing, something about the fact he keeps houseplants and terrifies them into submission while trying to keep them alive and 'perfect' feels like he can't deal with smth not being perfect or 'healed' as a lingering thing from his past- he pushes them to be healthy and perfect...can he not do that for them anymore?, the 'knowing when somebody is too far gone to heal' thing and the acceptance of human passing (that feels very important in s2 for some reason) thing, the 'are they making Lucifer a prince of heaven or were they on about someone else, how is this working?' Thing, the 'we know he was powerful so there's a small chance could be Raph thing, smth about the metatron wanting him back and as an Angel...is he luring him using Azi? Does he want Raph back to replace Gabriel?, the 'his cute prefall self gives off both Raph and Lucifer energy and it's so strong it is suffocating' thing, the way he didn't even hesitate when opening the file which suggests that he was RIGHT at the top bc if he was only just high enough he may have hesitated or considered other precautions put in place to stop him from spying, the SARAQAEL TRUSTED HIM SO QUICKLY??? Thing...they really hoped he remembered them???? That's weird..., something about the job story that I cannot articulate, the fact Raphael is MISSING (possibly thought to have just DISAPPEARED) in relation to the number of times Crowley suggests running away, he hates the idea of earth and human life ending for the start...does he want an endless cycle of growing and...gradual healing? Something something he protects people from before the beginning something something, etc)

OR

2) Aziraphale will get his position as head archangel and BECOME the Raphael of the series bc of the name similarity, the healing thing, and the fact the name Raphael hasn't even been mentioned thus far, while Crowley is revealed to have been another angel, likely either Lucifer or Barachiel (both of which would be pretty cool)

I personally prefer option 1 but option two is looking prettyyyyy likely I will admit. I'd be happy with either but...Raph Crowley has a special spot in my heart

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 3/21/2023

i didn't want to sit down and write this bc i was having too much fun playing viddy gaem

listening

IT'S QUICKER AND EASIER TO EAT YOUR YOUNG!!!

"i'm starving...darling,,," is very sexy but the way the lyrics slowly slide into something more and more horrifying until the chorus hits??? mwah. lovely.

my one critique is that this song is...breathy, for lack of a better word? does not showcase the man's magnificent pipes. oh well! there are other songs.

how'd i find this: im gay, also he is one of the most popular indie artists in the World. his first album went platinum six fucking times.

-

reading

i read all of frank miller's sin city bc im on a noir kick and i didn't have a good time. the closest i got to fun was (deadly little, always described as "deadly little") Miho, a mute japanese??? generic asian??? assassin who is tits out not in these panels but in almost all others, rollerblading around mowing down guys with her katana. that was a painful sentence to write.

i read a lot of genre fiction. i read a lot of older genre fiction. they are not written with me, a bisexual "woman", in mind. and that’s ok bc not everything has to be written with me in mind. rarely have i read something that is more For The Boys Only!!! than frank miller’s sin city. felt kind of gross and a little put off the whole time i read these and they made me a little bit upset and afraid of men in a way i have not felt since high school. now it does feel odd to go “i didn’t think this noir was very pleasant >:(“ but miller’s work feels unpleasant and distinct from, say, chandler or hammett in a way i am still having trouble articulating. it is possible that the misogyny in chandler is a flavor i already know and barely register the taste of anymore. it may be that i got tired of looking at miller's women with twelve-inch waists and nipples as full and perky as their mouths.

mostly i think the labor market in sin city is super fucked up. women in sin city exist to have their value extracted from them in a way that is different and worse than normal capitalism. like, i can see how someone would read these comics and go full SWERF. women are literal trophies, both arm candy and in a very upsetting trophy hunting way. especially in the final volume, women are machines of potential profit. aside from one landlady and one cop and one child who grows up to be a prostitute, all the women in this whole city seem to be prostitutes or prostitutes who have married up and out. like there aren’t really even any women on the street just walking or in diners. it’s all dudes.

this is probably a comics vs novels thing, but miller is often sadistic in a way that chandler is not. a guy dies on a page to make cool art. they fuckin mow through dozens of goons a volume. if a guy dies in chandler it’s usually bc chandler's philip marlowe has stumbled across a dead body accident and it becomes a tremendous pain in order to tip off the cops that a body needs retrieving without getting framed for the kill. marlowe (and by extension chandler) is a people person-- he is a detective bc he likes figuring out what makes people tick. he is alert and it's hard to get one over on him but his resting state is congenial. despite his job, he still does believe in the concept of justice.

sin city (more of a comment than a question) says "if people piss you off you should kill them." this is not to make light of the very real Situations that protagonists in sin city find themselves, but there are very few problem solving skills on display other than "apply dick" or "apply gun". VERY RARELY, "apply pussy". that last one almost never works out tho.

aside from All That, it does contain some of the best straight up art (not just comics art) ive ever seen. the command of light and shadow is incredible. the command of negative space is incredible. panels aren’t busy unless they’re showing the chaos of a scene. he doesn't draw every single brick bc that's not important to the scene. it’s really quite stunning.

also the MOVEMENT in this fringe is incredible. do u see what i mean about the nipples tho

-

watching

i gotta lotta fuckin bones to pick with the manda/lorian but they're all spoilery. this shit fucking sucks man. it's twenty fucking twenty three we have had well over a century to master storytelling through the art of the moving image.

all three eps so far have felt very weirdly edited-- like a lot of changes happened after filming and there wasn't enough time for pickups?? this is a gajillion dollar show just reshoot some shit on your little fake stage i am Begging you. at least bo-katan looked hot. god she's awful i love her

again again i say to ye, what if star wars was good? i am slightly terrified that andor may have ruined me for any s/tar wars that follows but by any metric these first three s3 mando eps are simply not good television.

-

playing

ty @pasta-pardner for gifting me Weird West some weeks ago bc it is the new thing i am obsessed with. this first trailer gives a better sense of the Vibes than the launch trailers imo

i find it is scratching a lot of the rpg itches that new vegas does: you wander around beautiful western settings running into weird shit, followed around by a hot butch you've recruited to your cause. unlike new vegas, it is a little less forgiving and you have to really scrap and loot everything that isn't nailed down.

this is a top-down action rpg with a weird little aiming system that is sort of a 3D twinstick? it takes some getting used to, and shooting is not the part of any game i am particularly good at. here's xbox wire's screenshot, which gives a good idea of how isometric it is and what enemy detection looks like. i do wish i could expand the minimap, bc some of the locations like mines or bigger towns can really sprawl.

i have one big annoyance bc it is a thing that made me take a break and sulk for a bit: as you're traveling across the map (not open world, location-based), you can run into Travel Encounters. you can decline to engage with some of them. you cannot save within or between the encounters unless you stop and make camp. if you're on a long journey to a different corner of the map, you might run into three Travel Encounters. if you die on the third, you are catapulted back to your starting point. this is tremendously annoying in the early game, so either take short trips or get good at about-facing and exiting areas quickly.

a writer i admire likes games that let him tell stories about what happened in the game to other people-- this is a game that very much facilitates that. i was ambushed during a Travel Encounter by the some outlaws, bc i accidentally let one escape while i was trying to collect a bounty on his boss, and that specific named grunt came back with a Vendetta. but! i met a dying outlaw from the band who kidnapped my character's husband in a different second encounter, swapped some bandages for a treasure map, and he is now a Friend for Life. so he showed back up to help me during that ambush AGAINST FELLOW OUTLAWS WHO SEEM TO HAVE SOME SORT OF MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING??? mWAH. DELICIOUS. LOVE SYSTEMS INTEROPERATING.

ive put like six hours into this, and it has five chapters with five different characters. i have not progressed past the first chapter bc i am having so much fun poking around. i am so so so grateful that the first character is a wife seeking revenge and not the other way around. ppl are throwing big baby tantrums in the steam forums about this but you know what? some husbands should be macguffins sometimes. widens their perspective.

i am fascinated by the drips and drabs of lore this game is feeding me. there's an order of witches with huge underground temples that (crucially!) they did not build, but have adopted for their own uses without really understanding who built them and why. i want to know so much more about their whole shit. there are werewolves but idk what their deal is bc i haven't met any yet.

i am a simple woman! i only demand perfect cowboy western-flavored rpgs and so far this is holding up. i will have more thoughts as i go along but goddamn is it fun to play. we truly do love a competent little rpg with interesting lore and good stealth mechanics that lets you loot everything in sight.

-

making

mostly fallow week, wrists hurty

made this tuna-chickpea salad for lunch. it is quite rich for a lunch. there are a lot of components that may be challenging to digest all together for a milennial with tummy troubles.

this would have definitely been improved by solid instead of cheap chunk tuna (or salmon. this would be great with canned salmon) and if i actually chopped the baby spinach instead of going "it's fine" and flinging it all in. or maybe wilting the spinach, but that's a lot of extra work and this would be a very warm, wet salad :/ the point is the chickpeas really want to sink to the bottom. i like that there is no cooking involved, only assembling, but realistically i have only half of these ingredients in my house at any given time. screengrabs from the site bc i paid a dollar but there's no reason you have to

[b1rdbra1ned]

Oh no I hate Fan too. Fan was not a good character in season 2 and he didn't actually face any consequences for his actions. Paintbrush was like the closest we got to Fan being criticised and people considered PB to be the one overreacting. Paintbrush is done so dirty because the fandom put their own belief about the bright lights being family even though Paintbrush never actually got along with them. They talked to tt like once, bickered with lb until the last ep they were in and then there's. Fan..

Also I think I hate fantube a little more after the theyrebasicallycanon polls put enstars against ii. Glad rinniki won they deserve the win against fantube imo.

Sorry I was tired of being critical of ii so I don't like it anymore 😔

But hiiii we haven't talked much in a while ik :(( I'm on holiday rn but feel free to talk to me if you want!

ALLLL OF THIS

Paintbrush was in every way in the right to yell at fan, he constantly bothered and nagged at them and the stuff about marshmallow was definitely the final straw

i only ever liked the whole bright lights family thing because honestly it could’ve worked imo!!! but they just never took that chance they never really developed the brights lights AT ALL most season (beside from marshmallow) the bright light felt more like the comical team (not really but can’t think of a better way to describe them) compared to the grand slams who definitely got way more focus and development

it’s shitty because i think the brights lights could’ve had potential but they were just casted aside until the last few episodes where “oh hey look development!! :] oh wait nvm they’re eliminated now <3” like ????

paintbrush definitely got the short end of the stick here. literally having what was supposed to be their episode mainly centred around tt and lb and having their feelings about marsh being completely casted aside. i wish more was done w/ marshmallow and them vs them and lb

looking back a lot of their scenes w lb just felt kinda off??? i don’t think can articulate this probably rn but paintbrush deserved better

but at the same time i wish the team got more time w/ each other in general, they have so many great opportunities to do it like in the maze episodes but again they’re kinda just cast aside as just comedy

and w/ s3 oh boy i hate what they did with paintbrush and their “arc” in the last few episodes. they quite literally and figuratively took away their edges, i miss sassy, sarcastic confident paintbrush they feel so dulled down in iii and it’s like no one in the writing team understands them at all. it’s like they didn’t even write s2 (but hey back to the point i mentions last post that show writers really ought to stop listening to fans sometimes because this is how fanon seeps in </3)

i hate how the a lot of the fans view paintbrush especially if it’s only ever in the context of lightbrush or shipping (another thing that pisses me off btw is how they’re always treated as irrational and or just plain out abusive FUCK PEOPLE WHO PORTRAY PAINTBRUSH LIKE THIS)

they’re such a great character who gets absolutely fucked over by the writing and fandom (not all of the fandom of course, i love seeing ppls takes and discussions on them but it’s just some fans who just </3)

i don’t like discouraging ships, if ppl are mature and respectful and don’t put other ppl down then that’s all great and stuff but my problem is that i really wish paintbrush was just seen as more than their ships yknow

Fan is.. the more i think about canon him the more im like yeaaa… uh no thanks…. (mainly w/ him and paintbrush and cabby)

idk if im even allowed to say they changed tt this season because.. she didn’t honestly have a lot of screentime last season compared to a whole lot of other characters, but in iii she feels off?? honestly all of them do even the new contestants later on during the season

idk if i have the words to describe why s3’s characterisation is so off and at time frustrating, their arcs too, was going to point out some characters but honestly i could make a case for nearly ALL the contestants the ones who weren’t voted out early at least

that’s the end of my ramble tho, sorry ik i talked a lot about paintbrush, i want to talk about the others too but they’re the one i still even think about. hopefully this isn’t a bit hard to read, ik im not that organised w my rambles sometimes

[allgather]

quick personal update: life is heavy for me at the moment, and i just want to get some stuff out.

work is disappointing and difficult. i’m working hard to run a program all by myself but I feel alone in it, and like my boss is too disorganized or careless to help me. its taking a real emotional toll and i am actively trying to leave. the only reason i’ve been here so long is bc my boss has been promising me a raise for the past 6 months, and this week she finally told me she doesn’t have the budget to do it. and it just feels like i’ve been strung along all this time.

i’m really exhausted and lonely. i’m doing my best to get out, see people, but folks are busy or i’m just too tired or in too much pain to leave the house. my chronic pain is really bad and my dysphoria is back with a vengeance. it feels like a lot to manage at once and i’m not even sure where to start exactly - with a doctor’s appointment, with new clothes, with a call to my friends? i’m not sure where to begin.

folks around me are going through difficult times, like really difficult. and i just stop myself from telling anyone that i’m really struggling and unhappy because i want to be that good, stable friend. i want to be that positive person i always am. i don’t know how to say that i’ve had this long, drawn out sadness for months when more pressing things are happening to the people i love. i don’t know how to articulate that i’m not doing well.

i wish i could write more and be consistent, but i don’t think that is quite where i am at the moment. i am trying to be kind to myself and tell myself it is okay. i want to afford myself the space to be absent and inconsistent. even if i can’t fully deliver in writing, i do want to talk to people, to my friends, but i’ve gotten worse at reaching out lately. i’m really sorry all the people i love who i have struggled to keep conversations up with lately. i want to do better. when i check-in and then disappear, it’s because i’m struggling to be a person right now. but i’m going to try harder and be better.

i’d love to plot with folks and find joy and levity in the beautiful ideas and stories and relationships and worlds we create, and the friendships i have. i think i can handle that, in small bursts where i find the energy. i am going to try. thank you for your patience and care. i hope you are all doing well, and i sincerely, deeply miss you.

[maranello]

a day has passed and I can finally articulate why I was feeling so much hate coursing through my body on sunday that is not directed at the ferrari pit wall too:

I get really sick of people saying Charles needs to leave Ferrari (“or else they will ruin/break him!!!!!”) It’s just. such a fucking tired take man.

If his dream is to just be a world champion then sure it doesn’t matter which team he does it at. But it’s not Ferrari. Ferrari has an immortality to it that other teams don’t. Other teams have their chapters, but Ferrari is written through the pages of Formula 1, for better or worse, win or lose. Ferrari lives on through its fans forever.

His father wanted to see him race in Ferrari, Jules Bianchi whom he attributes a large part of his success to dreamed of being world champion, he’s also always wanted to race for Ferrari and win with them. he went up through their academy, has long been affiliated with them, and is the very first of Ferrari’s academy to make it to the works team. He’s made it abundantly clear what Ferrari means to him, and you know he means a lot to many Ferrari personnel, past or present.

Of course, if all this bullshittery changes his mind about what his goals are, I genuinely don’t blame him and I will gracefully let him go with all my best wishes then violently kill the current pit wall for forcing this situation. But if he still wants to win it with Ferrari………

It does annoy me how people seem to miss/misunderstand how fundamentally tied Charles is to the core of what Ferrari means to so many tifosi. And how that, ultimately, is not meant to be treated as a Greek tragedy, but something special to be celebrated and cherished and fiercely protected.

Also, he is a much stronger person than that? Yes, I also wish he didn’t have to be. But I refuse to demean who he is as a person and assume this will break his spirit. He is stronger than that, and I believe in him so, so much for it, for a reason.

More than anything though, it’s not Charles that should be the one to leave Ferrari. it’s the people responsible for all these fuck-ups (namely, Iñaki Rueda, Head of Race Strategy). instead of putting in energy trying to urge him away from the team that he dreams of winning with, maybe put that energy into getting the people preventing that fired.

[allhallowstiel]

it’s hard to articulate my feelings because a lot of them are conflicting and confusing so im just gonna do bullet points:

under the cut bc this got long

i had a feeling the marwa situation wouldn’t get brought up again so . yeah. there’s that. that’s just a thing we have to accept now ig. i’m sure i don’t need to explain why that was fucked up as many people have already done so in much better ways than i ever could. "but other characters get treated bad too-" you're telling me you don't see anything wrong with a woman of color turning into a white man and the idea that she's "happier like that"?

the colin reveal was fucking amazing like. jaw dropped and everything like. THAT was incredible and i think colin’s storyline this season overall- including his relationship with laszlo- was really well done. im gonna miss baby colin, but we knew from the get-go that it was temporary. i just wasn't expecting him to forget everything.

as far as nandermo goes, i didn’t want them together in this season like. At All. they’ve still got a long way to go and i thought that even before freddie, the episode that people say ruined nandermo. but, going back to what paul said about nandor, if nandor learned nothing from turning marwa into a freddie clone, then it does have me a little concerned on whether or not he’ll learn anything in season 5. in order for him to actually feel regret for how he has treated guillermo and work towards fixing it, he needs a major fucking realization (not necessarily a romantic one) so, it makes me worry that in season 5 their reunion will be nandor begging to have guillermo back because he can barely manage to take care of himself without him, when that shouldn’t be what reunites them at all. in fact, if that does happen, guillermo should reject him. 

so, this season pretty much reset everything and wiped the slate clean. colin robinson is back to his old self and remembers nothing from his childhood. laszlo no longer has the responsibility of parenting anymore. nadja’s club is pretty much dead. and nandor is back to being lonely and single and wants to pretend he doesn’t give a shit. guillermo comments on this, outright saying that nothing there ever changes and that he’s fucking tired of it, so he dips. and, like- i get that the vampires are very set in their ways. i wouldn’t expect them not to be. but this plus paul simms saying that nandor learned nothing this season kind of has me concerned- both for nandermo and for the show in general, but more for the show overall.

on the other hand, the season cliffhanger is an absolutely perfect set-up for some real change to happen all-around, not just with nandermo. probably not anything groundbreaking because we still have to consider how the vampires are- but wiping the slate clean creates new opportunities. but again, what paul simms said has me worried. if he wants the vampires to remain static and never actually become better or stronger people, and have guillermo be the sole dynamic character, that’s fine. despite being static, the vampires are funny enough to continue being entertaining- wwdits is a comedy first and foremost, after all. but that leaves guillermo with the task of moving whatever plot wwdits has forward- and now he’s set his sights on becoming a vampire. i doubt he’ll get what he wants right away- i don't see this whole derek thing immediately going the way guillermo wants it to- but right now it feels like guillermo is kind of carrying the show on his back (one could easily argue that he's BEEN carrying it). if he loses what makes him so relatable to the audience- his humanity- and none of the other vampires show any signs of ever even slightly changing... that kinda worries me. i mean, will i still keep watching?? uh, yeah. of course i will. i love guillermo. but it will change my thoughts on some things.

and yes, one could make the argument that guillermo’s “humanity” even as a human is barely there, given what he does and all. but the fact that he’s the only human main character allows him to connect with the audience in a way that the vampires can’t.

THAT BEING SAID. after the whole marwa thing and now paul simms saying this, im a bit... nervous. not angry (besides the marwa thing)- just nervous. so i’m going to sum up this very lengthy post with some of my hopes for s5: 

(i also want to make it clear that when i talk about the vampires changing i don’t mean them becoming “good people”. god no. by “change” i mean seeing the world in new perspectives, adapting better to the modern world, changing old ideas or beliefs, and yes- even changing how they treat the people that are important to them, because despite how stuck in their ways they are, i don’t think the vampires are completely incapable of genuine love)

i want the guide upgraded to be a main character in season 5. sean too because i think that would be fun, but i’m mostly concerned about the guide bc i think this show needs some more female characters in its main cast.

i also don’t want nandor’s two remaining wishes to be swept under the rug. this is mostly fueled by my desire to see the djinn again.

i want nandor to begin the process of accepting that he cares about guillermo and wants him in his life as more than just a familiar. im not saying i want a love confession right away- i don’t think they should dive into romance right away. i think they should take it slow, but they should also not be afraid of having nandor express care and concern for guillermo, especially if they want that relationship to be endgame (and I still believe it will be. im just a bit shaken rn but i promise im still an endgame truther).

and lastly i want nadja to kiss a woman. as wonderful as wwdits is with representing queer men, i feel like the guide and nadja don’t really get to openly express their pansexuality as much as nandor and laszlo do, so i’d like to see that explored more as well.

[witchinghouracademy]

This is not an attack or callout.

I want to ask people to stop tagging me on the same posts of fumikomiyasaki, putting her on my dorm or school tags, lumping us together because of having fanschools, and just in general reminding me of her presence. I will explain why and get this finally off my chest. 

I do not want anyone harassing her, or sending her hate, or anything. If she’s a good friend to you, good for you! I also don’t care that she has more followers, and younger ones at that, which are most likely to harass me. I just want to make it very clear i want NOTHING to do with this person and I will block and avoid people for it if I must, and it’s not personal against you, but I’m just tired.

The short story is fumiko has been “heavily inspired” by my creations constantly, said racist things on my server and in general was pretty rude when I tried to approach topics in a civil manner. 

There was a trend where whatever I did, fumi would follow shortly after. Whatever ocs or dynamics I made, she would make similar ones not even a week after. Whatever new thing I made as decoration to my dorm/school, she would soon copy it without a word towards me. This was a pattern, and one that made me incredibly uncomfortable, but I did my best to label it as my own imagination and get over it. Tropes are common, and I could stretch myself to think that whatever tropes I played with, she would just coincidentally follow with the same combination and similar design elements over and over and over and over.

This isn’t new. I’ve had teenagers who admired me and they only knew how to show it by copying me. I have always done my best to approach it with empathy and patience, explaining why that wasn't the best route for either of us. And usually it was resolved amicably.

When the pattern with fumi had gotten too much, I approached in the same vein. Calmly and politely, even having a friend help me articulate my points better as I tend to get anxious and fumble my words. I wanted to make sure my tone was neutral and that she didn’t take it as an attack, but as a request to be more careful of this in the future.

Fumi denied everything, despite this pattern being noticed by others too. She tried to make me feel bad about bringing this up at all, as she was very stressed and tired from work. I don’t think I told her or many people, but at that time I myself was having severe breakdowns every week due work and at the edge of relapsing on self destructive habits. Thing is, frankly, neither of our irl situations mattered for this conversation. This wasn’t a fight, not to me. It was a conversation to set boundaries, as adults do.

Fumi did not take it like that. She was defensive, eventually boldly lying to my face twice. 

One, by saying that there was no way certain concepts were taken from my school since she had those from the start of making hers, so the only explanation was that maybe we got the same ideas at the same time.

Of course people who were there will remember my school was made first, by half a year or so. Fumi’s first dorm, Syncrean was made for my school. And when I took a hiatus she then made her school to put Syncrean there. She never even changed the picture of her ocs with the witching hour uniform for like a full year.

Second was that she had never ever ever taken anything from my school.

So, a while back I made an information sheet for students. I was very open about taking inspiration from another artist’s info twst sheet, and gave credit even if I deviated on points and the aesthetic was different so it fit my school. I guess fumi thought she could just say she took inspo from her too.

The original sheet was an A4. My sheet had a stupid random size because I cut off some edges by eyeballing so it’d look better. And Fumi’s sheet not only was basically mine but mirrored, but had the exact same size. Again, a size I got to by cutting off edges randomly. There is no way she could get that size by chance. She outright traced mine. 

Here are the original sizes, unchanged whatsoever. Layer them up and they match size down to the last pixel.

So, after that, I don’t care if she swears she never ever took “inspiration” from me, because she demonstrably lied to my face twice, with things I can easily disprove. Obviously I’m not trusting the rest of it.

(As for the racist thing, she basically equated racism against people of color to fantasy-racism against beast and monster people. This is a shitty anime trope, so I explained to her in private that it wasn’t okay to equate poc to beasts and monsters. I explained I wasn’t calling her racist, but that what she said was racist. It took me FOUR tries for her to stop denying it. Instead she claimed 1) she didn’t say anything like that! (I had to show her a screenshot of her own message,  2) that others had put those words in her mouth and she parroted them without thinking (still a problem), 3) people had prompted her to make that specific comparison (perhaps in another server, not on mine, I still have the screenshots of the whole convo) or 4) that it didn’t matter because she didn’t post it on her blog. She seemed very done that I was still talking about this, and it was very clear to me that she didn’t give half a shit if she said something harmful or learning to avoid repeating this mistake, despite me explaining that others in the server had been uncomfortable by her words. Only her image was important I guess.)

Honestly it has put me off posting things on here. I hate checking my notifications and seeing mentions of her, and I can assure you I would not be so tired of her if I didn’t have to constantly see her (tumblr blocking truly sucks).

I'm genuinely uncomfortable with seeing her name pop up if i can help it. I don't want to be reminded of this over and over when I enter this site. That's all.

[joeyjoeylee]

I loved BSOTL! I think about Gretchen saying "Super Best Tiger" on the daily and giggle to myself. My cat side eyes me.

I wanted to know if you had plans to write more Brio or write anything in general?

Anon, you've made me Grinch Smile thinking of Gretchen and her never-ending exasperation with her Boss slash Little Brother-Cousin she will always partially see as a 5-year-old trailing after her annoying her 🤣 🤣  Putting answer under a cut b/c I may word vomit:

I've written a bunch and it's funny you mention Gretchen, b/c I just checked and I'm up over 5K words into her POV companion to the series. (4K into Annie's, 3K into Courtney's, etc.)

I had also started imagining a canon-jumpoff AU where everything is the same except for Beth/Rio meeting a couple years down the road instead when she is shiny newly-minted Super Go-getter City Councilwoman Trying to Do "Local Business Outreach" For the Community (and her public profile/own benefit natch) and he is Local [Crime] Business Owner wanting to work this situation [her, the connections, her, more money, her] to his benefit now that Nick is in jail and Rio no longer has that previous protection on the City Council. I wrote one chapter there and it is 2K words of basically Beth/Rio's first meeting, staring fixedly and obsessively at each other across his desk trying to figure each other out (this means "manipulate each other") while Mick stands silently behind Rio totally ignored by both, desperately thinking, please. stop this immediately. I can already see this is the worst idea ever. please. I'm so tired already. please.

My actual finishing/posting problems with all this are both micro and macro tho:

Experiencing plotting issues with the other POV structures that I can't quite figure out how to fix. Should they all go together, chronologically, weaving back and forth from like Gretchen to Annie to Gardner, etc. (which means something could be revealed in like, the Annie one covering the summer between 1L/2L that would be picked up in a Gretchen one later) or each one standalone covering the entire time period of watching the Brio trainwreck? How realistic are some of scenes given they would only have information they had personally witnessed or been told about by two unreliable narrators? Too much detail and backstory into the own POVs making them too OC (original character AND out-of-character) and not enough focus on Brio? Making each a standalone "arc" (I know I'm not using the right words here as I'm not enough of a creative writer to articulate it) with beginning, tension, resolution, to stand in their own rights given how long they are or just break them into vignettes?

Lingering never-leaving thought that I need to break off from my one "story" and do something new, so I pick up the outside POVs, then tell myself "stop! be more creative!" and drop them again.

The other POV thing has been done so much better by much better authors. I'm thinking of femalegothic's On the Outside Looking In and mego42's listening through the air shaft (and tooshyforthis’s AITA for wanting to stop paying my wife’s ‘business partner’ and yelling at her? Dean POV literally the most original hysterically perfect format that I’ve ever seen with these two eyes and I think about it at least weekly and laugh) all the time and the others I've read over the years and not sure it's even worth it to try to make a pale copy of those.

Pandemic/quarantine being "over" means I'm back in my thousands of people public office full-time which is a nonstop chaotic energy drag on this lifelong Introvert such that I come home every night and just want to mindlessly scroll Reddit/Tumblr and look at pretty pictures and read brilliant other writers, not actually ROUSING myself to concentrate and contribute anything myself (my default state tbh). During quarantine, I could block off hours at a time to try to immerse myself into writing uninterrupted and now I just don't have that. I wish I could be like other people who can furiously write during like, the 5 interminable minutes before the latest Zoom call starts, but I really can't. I need it to be uninterrupted blocks of time with no other distractions or it ain't happening.

Continual (inexplicable) internal pressure that if I start something, I must finish it such that I don't really want to post a WIP and have it hanging over my head unfinished. It's funny, I was scrolling back through my late summer 2020 Tumblr the other day trying to find something and saw that I had estimated early on that I would post BSOTL a chapter every two weeks. That is HI-larious in hindsight given the gap between the later chapters. But I had the spirit back then and thought I could get it done quickly. Now with the series no longer active and the fandom much quieter such that I'm not being reminded of this hyperfixation at all times, I'd fear I'd let things lag even more, and ya girl would be eaten alive by the "unfinished" aspect of the whole shebang such that it's better not to post at all.

Feeling that the fandom has "moved on" so to speak, which obviously is totally understandable given the passage of time, but makes me think I should "move on" as well into some new obsession and focus energy there (have not found this yet, open to all suggestions as to what to fixate on now instead!)

This is more than you wanted to know, Anon, so I am sorry as per usual. If I do get anything polished up enough tho, I will either post promptly I promise or ask you for a burner email and just send it to you so I can feel like I accomplished something lol.

Thanks again for the note, I'm really glad something I wrote gives you a regular giggle - makes me happy!

[martian-garden]

So I spent a lot of time in the last month or two working with writing autistic characters and i just wanna have written down for my own reference some traits I've related to or shared with them. I don't think I'm autistic because via Occam's Razor, most of them are explained by my ADHD, but idk. It'll at least help me to process my own experience if i write them down. and get them out of my head.

Split by age experienced bc i've seen that done/viewed as relevant in some instances:

Experiences I had PARTICULARLY AS A CHILD but are now mitigated (either by coping skills or learning):

-Dislike of being hugged or touched; refused to wear certain fabrics or clothes due to how they felt; wore the same jacket for years in a row

-little engagement with my peers/some dislike of them (but i was also bullied)

-dislike of strong spiciness in food (lol gone now) and bitterness (still there but overcome to some degree)

-confusion over otherwise understood social cues; trouble relating to my peers, especially when they expressed emotion (but i was also socially isolated) ; this may be an early manifestation of hyper empathy; too confused by their own feelings to know what I was supposed to feel or do, but i don't remember well. I just know i felt bad for people a lot in a way that was highly internal and awkward.

-when faced with impossible executive function tasks I was unable to initiate, the paralysis and guilt would emotionally overwhelm me and i would scream and cry and curl away from people, and struggle to articulate my feelings, followed by a period of exhausted withdrawal where i felt as though my body was a puppet, and I could think clearly, but attempting to engage with or use my body itself (including speech) continued to be upsetting. This matches much of what i've read of autistic meltdowns and subsequent shutdowns (except that i did eventually figure out how to speak over time), but because it was primarily triggered by ADHD executive dysfunction and rejection sensitive dysphoria, i do not know if that's the major explanation there. These continued up until I gained a better handle on communicating my emotions and had better outlets and executive function support in high school.

Experiences that I continue to have, as an adult:

-overexplaining/preoccupation with technicalities, clarifications; fixates on making sure i communicate EXACTLY what i mean (note: have bullying trauma related to that, where people would deliberately misinterpret me to upset me--but that in and of itself was only an issue bc them doing so would viscerally upset me) ; infodumping about anything i know things about. Sharing knowledge is euphoric.

-Unconscious stimming (i am twisting my chair right now)

-Hyper empathy, to the point of tears for negative emotions. I needed to learn how to regulate this and i'm still working on it.

-Unsure what to do with my body when I'm supposed to be still, or when i feel like i'm being watched

-language processing disorder; exhaustion when trying to process among loud noises

-exhaustion after social interaction with certain personalities (especially outgoing and stimulating)

-speech or what to say becomes tiring after prolonged (especially animated) interaction

-lack of volume regulation

-hyperfixation on specific interests (though this is common in ADHD too)

-responses to phrases that treat them as literal: even though i understand they are metaphorical, i continue to engage with the literal angle.

-preoccupation with following rules/doing the "right" moral thing (i explain to my friends that i am hardwired "lawful good" and take psychic damage if i break rules in a way someone could see me do it. I broke off part of a plant at home depot once and thought someone saw me and had anxiety attacks for the next week and a half).

may add more if i think of them. Again, mostly for my own reference, but idk if someone sees this and has thoughts feel free to (respectfully) reach out.

My adolescent therapist and mother thought i may have autism ("asperger's", which I believe has fallen out of popular use more recently).

[legionofpotatoes]

So I saw your post about kenobi and skimmed it because it’s 5 am for me and my body isn’t tired but my mind is? Ya know the feeling?

And you, and the other person mentioned how it felt meandering, and how the characters don’t face conflict so much as they avoid it.

(Again I skimmed the post so you could have said this but my mind is now tripping over itself to get these thoughts out.)

Everything feels meandering and wheel skinny because introducing conflict would force the characters to change, and they either don’t know how to do that, are afraid to do that, or literally can’t do that.

Star Wars is what, 40 years old? Forty years means a lot of fans, forty years also means a lot of content. (Even though Disney reworked the canon after purchasing Lucas films)

The problem is, they can’t figure out (or just straight up can’t) write conflict for the characters and situations because all of these things are happening in between major events that have already been put to screen with characters that are integral to those major events.

Mando season 1 worked better then season two (in my opinion) in part because, while it was taking place in the Star Wars universe it wasn’t about Star Wars™️

Mando had nothing to do with the rise or fall of the empire, yodito may have been the same species as yoda and could use the force but the questions about him weren’t completely tied up in Jedi/Order 66 stuff.

Season one of The Mandalorian had room to breathe

That’s the biggest problem with Star Wars I feel, they’re too scared to stray from the time of the originals and the prequels, and the most recent sequels only made that fear worse.

Of the 5 Star Wars movies released in the past 10 years, 3 were well received, and only one of those was part of the sequel trilogy. Of the other two, one was the lead up to A New Hope and the other was Solo.

So from that, people in charge are more willing to back stories that take place in the time frame of just before the prequels to just after the original trilogy. Because when they strayed from that time frame they failed miserably.

The failures had nothing to do with the events they chose to show.

Thirty-forty some odd years after the first fall of the Empire, we’ve got a Darth Vader fan boy running things, and we’re shoved right into the life of a born and raised storm trooper questioning everything he’s ever known.

This could have worked wonderfully! How did the New Republic fall? Why is the Darth Vader stan in charge? How did he get there?

It could have been great is what I’m saying.

But (allegedly) JJ Abrahams didn’t have the trilogy planned out before filming, so fan opinion had much larger sway over the story than if the trilogy had already been written and approved. Top that off with Disney/Marvel’s spoiler sniper culture? (< I lost track of this last sentence but it felt vry important)

The sequels failed because the writing was poor and the characters felt inconsistent, like they were being directed by a young child who can’t fully articulate what they want yet. Not because the story itself was inherently bad.

Where was I going with this….

RIGHT! Kenobi, Andor, BoBF, (I hope Mando season 3 gets back to season one mentality at least) and maybe Ashoka are all going to feel somewhat meandering because they are literally being written in a corner. There aren’t many stakes and those that do exist feel cheap because we already know the outcome.

It’s time to let this part of Star Wars History become History is what I’m saying. Because at this rate it’s turning into a visual version of Les Mis meets Tolkien and if that doesn’t scare you at least a little bit then idk what else to say

My whole problem is the entirely subjective and unfortunate reality that I love star wars. For me that's the crux of it. Of course stories without conflict and change are by-and-large meaningless, of course the current framework of their slate facilitates that approach, and of course it all has to burn. I get all that, truly, I echo it through and through. I just can't help but love the fable of it all as well, and have hope that they figure a way forward to keep expounding on it. Having seen both the best and the worst of the saga's storytelling instincts rear their heads and dictate the flow of the franchise over the last decade, however, has seriously pounded at that hope.

But I also kinda refuse to believe that having to work within canon bookends is an inherently limiting factor? I don't like looking at that as an absolute excuse, more of a challenge. Storytelling is a game of conflicts and resolutions, packing character change through meaningful drama, meaningful drama being clear stakes where you can follow along and pinpoint the points of tension exactly - so you know where to look for levity or catharses, instead of being in a constantly reactive state due to a vague series events, periodically going "I guess this is what we're feeling now" cause nothing is clear enough to follow and anticipate.

It really should be super-duper-simple. Clarity is just everything in writing for film (or TV, I guess). Like if your main hero isn't an engaging or dynamic character - or cannot afford to be due to X Y Z - I don't know, pull a fury road. focus on satellite arcs that inform a small choice by the end. any little thing can be meaningfully dramatized and turned into an interesting story. It just requires finesse and craft, doubly so under the eye of massive corporate oversight. It's not a skill one can really demand from filmmakers, but for star wars? I've seen it aced a couple of times, so I'm needy.

That is exactly why I look at Kenobi as more of a complex failure, both in structural and storytelling terms. Six episodes of tirespinning leading up to the one character change we already know will happen shouldn't be the end goal, it should be the foundational narrative that affords a lot more nuance as it goes along and maybe manages a couple of cathartic rugpulls. Like the satellite arcs I mentioned. Seemingly what they're going for with Reva, right? But even her psychology isn't fully clear and is mysteryboxed for some future revelation almost exactly like Kenobi's is. This story could instead be a fierce crucible of change from her POV as she works within the complicated moral framework of the empire, her own baggage, and the distrust of her team; but all of those potential points of tension are sprinkled on top like cherry flavors, popping up when convenient, never lingering as bedrocks of storytelling, never fully coalescing into her journey to paint a clear picture of what she really wants. And it drives me insane that people consider this more interesting than just telling us her fucking deal from the get-go and then giving her something challenging to face. But that requires craft, finesse in writing, the courage to give clarity to drama. It's all difficult to get into. My knowledge on this topic is limited, but I know very well the type of grammar I gravitate towards in filmmaking and this all rages against it. And I refuse to believe canon is sufficient excuse for it. because I love star wars :(

And as I - and you also - mentioned, the episodic movies and their response dictating how this all came to pass, are, yeah, also a big ole factor - a core failing, primarily executive. Gun to my head I won't breach this topic on a public tumblr, but I do strongly think that two key releases informed and shifted the entire pipeline of SW projects due to their storytelling instincts, feasibility, and fandom response. In diametrically opposite ways. In ways that were counter to everything I love about star wars. Which, as always, is by and large why the ordeal makes me sad and want to rant in the first place.

It's not entirely unfair to say most of this is, hilariously, on me.

[aimbutmiss]

https://www.tumblr.com/aimbutmiss/748143921530535936/i-just-came-across-a-zosan-post-about-zoro-on-wci?source=share

I don't know, I think we can all have different opinions.

And you know, I disagree with you. Look, I don't think they would fight, something that Zoro and Sanji have in common is not interfering in their captain's problems unless they see it necessary and Zoro is also someone very perceptive. Which makes me think that maybe he would have realized why Sanji was acting like that, who knows?

But I do know that Zoro would not have interfered in Sanji and Luffy's "fight", nor would he fight Sanji unless he thought it was necessary.

I advise you not to take their silly "fights" as something that would become a problem in a serious moment, when you know that in situations like this Zoro and Sanji put that aside to work together to the point of having the same opinion about the situation and supporting each other

Also stop believing that at this point Zoro would put Luffy first over all the Strawhats, it sounds similar to those who say that Zoro would kill any Strawhat if Luffy asked him to.

At this point in the story Zoro has learned because of what happened with Nami, Usopp and Robin, that it is better to first know what is happening before acting.

Yes, at first he had a different reaction with Sanji because their dynamic is different and he trusts Sanji and he felt betrayed, but that would not cause a serious fight, and after knowing what was happening he felt worried for Sanji (Luffy said it), but Zoro had to continue pretending that he didn't care about Sanji, because that's how they and their relationship are.

The Strawhats are his family and he is the protector of the crew, in situations like this he would first want to know what is happening and then decide what to do.

I was gonna start this post by thanking you for stating your disagreement in kind words but some sentences are too stabby for my liking so I'll skip the pleasantries. I will not hold it against you, though. I got really heated in my initial post too after all.

Look, we both clearly care about these characters and that's why my thoughts, which are clearly different to yours, bothered you so much—enough to write this long ass ask at least. So out of my respect and understanding for your feelings, I'm gonna try to go through everything you said one by one. Forgive me if I fail to be clear and miss anything.

First of all, you're making a lot of assumptions about me and my thoughts from simply one short post. I never said the "fight" in question would be anything like their gag fights. I wasn't even referring to a physical fight, more of a verbal clash of two individuals struggling through a mentally exhausting and borderline traumatising event. I could have worded it better initially, so maybe that's on me.

Zoro is emotionally intelligent indeed. He's good at reading people and he knows it's better not to assume, especially from experience Iike you've said. However, he's not one for words. He doesn't comment on things, and when he does he can be easily misunderstood because he's not good with words. And Sanji is an overthinker with deeply rooted self esteem issues. The two just don't mix, it's recipe for disaster. Even if Zoro knows something is wrong and Sanji has his reasons for leaving, he's not gonna be able to articulate that clearly. One wrong word could set off Sanji's already spiriling mind and set off a screaming match. Not a silly one, no, a very emotionally taxing argument that would do nothing in terms of them solving their problems. If anything, it would make things worse by pushing Sanji further away and making Zoro feel guilty and tired. The last thing Luffy needs is dealing with extra baggage.

I also hate when people say "Zoro would kill his crewmates for Luffy" because it completely erases Zoro's love for his friends. Here again you've put my words into my own mouth and made an incorrect assumption about my thoughts. We actually agree here, to some extent. You know I finished that post by saying "fanon thrives when it's built on canon" right??? Ignoring Zoro's love and care for his crewmates is exactly what I'm against because it stomps all over Zoro's character. When I said Zoro always puts Luffy first, I was referring to his dedication to his status as captain. He knows Luffy will never back down from getting back Sanji, and that is not a problem for him, however the moment Sanji does anything to disrespect Luffy his first mate instincts will clash with what Luffy wants. Just like back in Water 7 when he made sure Usopp apologized before coming back. What makes you think he wouldn't hold Sanji to the same standard??? "It's been two years, he must have learnt from his mistakes-" but was what he did even a mistake? I don't think so. Zoro is a man with ideals and he would have upheld them to the end, even if it ended up making things tougher on Luffy and Sanji. Because in the end, it was for the crew's own benefit.

Of course the straw hats are Zoro's family and he cares deeply for them. I never said that wasn't the case. But wanting to do what's best for your crew and actually doing it are two different things. People make mistakes, especially in high stress situations like Whole Cake. Zoro's not perfect, he's a 21 year old who's deeply worried for his friends and that means he could easily mess it up, just like any of them. But I just think Zoro's chances of reaching out to help Sanji in wci is much lower than other crewmates for reasons explained above. I truly believe Sanji would have benefited most from having Usopp or Robin there but I'm not gonna elaborate on that because this isn't about that.

Anyways, in the end I can't tell anyone what to do. Everyone has the freedom to read and write whatever they want. My post wasn't about that, I never targeted anyone either. I could have easily left a mean comment on the post I saw, but I'm not about bringing other people down. It just bothers me when people don't take the characters’ personality into account when they're coming up with scenarios and headcanons. I was frustrated so I made that post, that's it. You could have easily scrolled past it if it bothered you so much, like I did with the post I didn't like. Well, either way, thank you for deeming me worthy enough to waste your time on. I appreciate it 👍🏻

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary165

2/26-27/2024

monday - tuesday

work 2morrowwwwwww.

and right now i am just exporting a song i've been mixing today again, it was a problem song a while ago, now it's a lot better i think but it's still kind of like, missing something, idk. right guitar feels a touch weird i guess. or i guess both are, rn, idk idk idk. what i need/want is the sharpness to come through again.

otherwise, today, not much. i'm going to play videogames again after wednesday, or maybe after my bank appointment on wednesday. i don't want to do it too much/at all really. it's better to just read or work on music but it helps me relax, i guess, i like collecting items and wandering around. i will tire myself out probably pretty soon and then i'll at least have my muscle memory back/better.

i was thinking about this thing today, some book about cute accelerationism, my friend was talking about it and that book really irritates my gf, she had a podcast briefly and she was going to talk about cuteness in a manifesto, it was part of her podcast, i wanted to write a bit for it, but it never came to, since she had more important things to do other than engage in twitter pop-theory, basically.

but i was thinking about it today, and what i wanted to write, and i guess what i feel like the book could get wrong. i should read it to know/form a better critique, but to me cuteness forms no coherent accelerationism, and i am too tired to articulate everything here entirely but the way i imagined it before, as an anti-vitalism when you look at kawaii cutlure and what it responds to, and then now thinking of the tiqqun reading i've been doing in cybernetic hypothesis, in the desire to be doll-like in say lolita fashion, gothic lolita, the cuteness of certain sorts of illustration, or even that kawaii culture at points engages with the grotesque, and doll art/dolls as popular things in kawaii culture and as an art / object of pop art emerges from hans bellmer, there is a lot here that makes it about nonresponsiveness, i feel it's stemming from a desire towards what kristeva called the carnivalesque, and the abject. i guess necessarily, for me, it's about not just engaging w/ cuteness as it's found in anime, but how people have desired cuteness and how it develops now, what it articulates and what desires it allows one to enjoy perversely, and then that it allows one to cease communication, to become a doll, in a way, to desire passivity in an excessive way. even desiring cuteness in america, the turn on websites like this and others, to urge people towards eating disorders, to travel towards needing nothing of the outside world, as baudrillard described anorexia, an interior furnishing, self defense, and also the sense that it is fragile and constantly being lost, your cuteness, your youth. it's a complex thing, i guess, it's a nightmare full of so many desires/needs. i need to be cute, speaking on myself, really, i do, if i feel ugly, and uncute, i want to die, literally, when i do feel cute, i feel like i am able to take refuge in myself, to disengage with the world, or the parts that are hideous, i am overflowing and discommunicative, i am gnashing teeth and i am huge eyes, pleasure in not moving, wanting to be looked at and not seen, wanting to be unseen but needing to be looked at.

i write about this kind of thing constantly, basically, this specific set of needs, it's important to articulate because i feel like nobody else is, instead they approach it from an angle that says cuteness is some kind of, i'm not sure, i don't know what it is to them. but it's i guess not a coherent thing, is the sense i get, it's just 'something' it's not got history. to observe, i've seen people invoke bataille to discuss cuteness, it always leaves me feeling they understand neither, it is easy to articulate through him cuteness, on some level, the sacrificial aspects, and via bellmer, the erotic aspects which some may imagine do not exist, but they are there, at a certain level, they are unavoidable. but i'd rather use the energy i want to put into complaining into spitballing fiction, so i will go do that.

this is good, i wrote kind of a lot today, because outside of this i made sure to get some other ideas down.

re-exporting this song again.

i wonder if sometimes i am too precious, about ideas i have that i feel like i use in fiction/writing i care more about, sometimes i worry articulating them will make them less interesting to me or something, i don't think it's the case, there's always new nuances to discover/observe, i think. so it's kind of like, weird how i am i guess. but i also don't want to make it like, plainly/painfully academic. these are ideas that feel connected to life as it is lived, stories feel like the best place for them / to illustrate the kinds of state i think of/in/desire/worry about.

alright... i think the song is good now. that's so exciting. 2 done todayyyyyyyyyyyyyayayay.

i've just been kind of manically going thru random songs, listening to this and then i think i need to sleep:

such a perfect perfect perfect song. these guys did a song for the nmh 2 ost, not the big one, philistine, but the one for the astronaut boss, iirc. they're so cool to me, otaku j-pop, weird guys on vocals. i think i've talked abt them here before, but they're just so interesting to me and nobody else seems to give any kind of a fuck abt them.

i should do a margaret moonlight cosplay . one day . i mean, i don't think i really could but it's a nice fantasy/thought. she was also a character from a video game that i thought was way cool in an aspirational way (the list of people/characters who make up my 'whoa... you can be like that?' thing (the early development of '#goals' for me) is so funny, ranging from models/eventual models to singers to actors (paz de la huerta was a first crush but also i liked how she seemed to embrace some kind of being fucked up, her over-red lipstick is kind of incredible to me) to video game characters, to anime, ofc (obviously, w/ things like funeral parade of roses and moments in fiction, i still get these pangs now, of identification, or like, people/characters that elucidate some part of being)).

perfect outfit tbh. or i guess kinda. maybe the panty(ish? (idk, are those shorts (it's still kind of a lot)))-shot is too much but idk. i could rock that i guess. really anything that looks like that is so perfect to me idk. i suppose it's obvious but gothic lolita stuff somehow made kinda sleek is a genius idea.

now i am listening to philistine... messed up for real.

that song is also in a lot of funny ways a big influence on me, the gaudy synths, always wanting guitars beside gaudy synths, i also really like the kinds of melodies that song employs, both versions of it, and the american version having that fucked up ugly square wave bass is so perfect, another huge hit on my soul, when i first heard it.

i need to get a huge headband like that soon, with my #work money. it will be so swaggy tbh.

in order to escape the gamer accusations i'm gonna post this song:

it's just so good, another perfect kind of song. i know i've talked about the blood brothers a ton but i love how jordan screams so much, he's a genius of screeching, the way he must let his tongue hang out or something to get some of that sloppiness in delivery, it's hard to get that, but it's really worth it, when you do need that.

here's a crazy thing i'm noticing, is that the orange amps cody uses, the orange amp simulator in guitar rig 6 is honestly not the worst you can do w/ getting that sound, i do always hear guitars as having higher freqs than they really do, it's interesting to hear it soloed here and how rolled off and strange the sound is, or it feels strange, it's almost like, if i got that sound, i think i'd like, go 'oh it could be sharper', but it's so perfect here. maybe i can internalize that and get something out of it, maybe, i hope.

anyway i have to sleep now so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!