#took me a damn long time to write this

[ozimagines]

I was wondering if you had any thoughts on what would happen if Chico got paroled. I think in show he wasn't eligible until 10 years... but maybe a miracle happens?? I hope that you are feeling better!

Ohhhhhhh… what have we here? War Boy getting out on parole? Now that would be fun! Said he had 17 years till parole, but in most of my out of Oz fics, in my mind, the prosecution of Kibbler actually holds water and many guys are released early. So that’s what I’ll do here. I wonder how many changed he’d have to make to give him a happy ending? Because that’s my goal on this page. I want to give every character a happy ending where maybe they’re not where they wanted to be but they’re where they need to be. That’ll be my headspace writing this.

(Sorry it took me so long on this request. Actually did a little soul searching to write this. I haven’t been shy about my mental health struggles. We’re still fiddling with diagnoses rn but I’ve definitely got a mood disorder, and a thought disorder, but I’m taking an mmpi to see if I have a personality disorder to go along with everything. Writing this kinda made me think about what I’d have to change to get my happy ending. As much as I see myself in Robson, I also see a lot of myself in Chico. He’s not evil, but he’s impulsive and it ends up biting him in the ass more times than not, and I can certainly relate on the drugs front (been sober about two months now. Don’t know exactly how I feel about it yet). Anyway, long way of saying that writing this helped me, so thank you for the request.)

Chico Guerra getting paroled would include…

First thing he feels is panic. Like a wave crashing over him. He feels like he got away with something.

And really, he did. He’d served a mere fraction of his sentence. Murder one. Only fifteen years in, and about a million infractions and violations to boot, and he’d still be seeing daylight before anyone else. It was an odd feeling. Getting away with murder.

Didn’t feel nearly as good as he’d hoped.

There was something missing.

Maybe it was the drugs.

Since doing weekly piss tests, the drugs were something he missed. Maybe not all the side effects… it was nice to have his dick working again, not that he’d had much use for it in Oz after they cancelled conjugals.

But he missed the feeling of drugs. The wildness of them. Life was so mundane, especially in Oz, though he wasn’t exactly batting a thousand before it.

He had this restlessness that was hard to ignore. Something always prodding him towards some sort of extreme action. He was never good at overriding his impulses.

Dr. Phil had been on in the common area in Em City one day. Chico thought he was a piece of shit fake television doctor but hey, what the fuck did he know. He did say one thing that stuck with Chico though.

He had said there was a difference between an irresistible impulse and an impulse not resisted. Chico had thought about that long into the night times, and sometimes would wake with the first thing on his mind. Which one was he? He’d always told himself that his impulses were irresistible, and no one in his position would be doing any better. He had these itches inside of him, crawling beneath his skin like creepy bugs. They compelled him to act, and he always did what they told him to do.

He was sure if he’d mentioned it to anyone, they’d think he was as crazy as Alvarez.

Maybe he could resist these impulses, but had always chosen not to. Wasn’t too far fetched. Maybe that’s what everyone in Oz had; impulses they chose not to resist. No. It couldn’t be. That would make them bad people, he figured, and he wasn’t a bad person. Not a good man by any means but not a bad one. Not a real monster anyway.

He nearly shit himself when the Kibbler case came on the news, saying they’d be handing out overturned sentences. His heart had stopped when his lawyer told him there was a chance. His entire body went numb when they’d declared his sentence overturned.

He was packing up his cell when Morales came to him. They’d not exchanged many words about it. Besides the fact that Enrique was jealous, he also knew Chico would be sticking to his best behavior so as to not end up in Oz again, meaning his usefulness had come to an end.

Chico had packed up most of his stuff, his fingers still tingling with staticky, unreal feelings. Part of him didn’t believe for a second that he’d be released. Some part of him thought they’d lead him to the door and tackle him to the ground. He was picturing it when Morales placed a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped.

“Lo siento, hermano, but I did say your name twice.” Morales said softly. Chico nodded and didn’t say anything. Didn’t trust himself to. Some part of him figured that his sentence would be worse in Enrique’s hands than in that corrupt gringo judge. “So, you’re getting out today?”

“Yeah.” Was all Chico said, running his tanned fingers through his head of black hair. He shrugged as if to say ‘whatever the fuck that means’. Morales smiled softly and looked down at the ground.

“Can… I need a favor from you.”

Those were the words Chico had hoped he wouldn’t hear. He fumbled for his words, trying to say no without getting fucking killed.

“Not that kind of a favor. A personal one.” He fished something out of his wallet. It was a picture of some kid; a little girl about three years old. “This is Allita. She was… is, I guess, my kid.”

Chico furrowed his brow but didn’t say anything, just kind of going over the little girl’s face in his mind, committing those sparkly eyes and that little cheeky smile into his brain.

“This is her at three. She’s, Hell, gotta be twenty five now. Haven’t seen her since this picture. I… I left her mom to raise the kid alone when she was a little.” He sighed, taking the picture back from Chico and going over those eyes again, the same dark, penetrating eyes as her father yet somehow kinder, and full of life. He suddenly made eye contact with his lieutenant. “I always regretted that, Chico.”

“You want me to find her?” He asked, zipping up his bag and turning thoughtfully to Enrique, pretending not to notice a little weakness in his former boss’s eyes. “Get her to come to Oz and see you?”

Morales chuckled and shook his head.

“No. She won’t come here. I tried to get her to come a few years ago. She told me, in as many words, that she hated me for what I did to Mitzi, her mom. Said I was living the life I deserved.” He pursed his lips and tried to force out his next words. “Said… if I had just stayed with them, it would be different now. That I would have had a life.”

“Shit, man.” Chico breathed, knowing how bad those words must have hurt him. He’d had the wind knocked out of him when his ex-girlfriend married that Hawaiian guy. Couldn’t imagine hearing those words from your own kid.

“Yeah.” Morales summarized, again, blinking the shimmer out of those normally intense eyes. “Anyway, she won’t come here, so… can you just check on her and tell me if she’s… y’know…”

“If she’s okay?” Chico finished and Morales shook his head.

“No, if she’s happy. That’s all I want, y’know. Just for her to be happy and healthy. I just need to know that, and I’ll leave her alone forever. I just need to know I didn’t fuck her up.”

Chico nodded, having already accepted the task in his head, placing a hand on Morales’ shoulder and squeezing reassuringly.

“Sure thing, jefe.”

They embraced awkwardly and Chico got his bag ready to go.

No one tackled him at the door, they just had him sign for his belongings, minus the crack he’d had on him at the time of his arrest. Just a watch from his late brother, his wallet, and a pack of blue raspberry bubble gum, if you could believe it.

He popped a piece in his mouth and made a face at the staleness, walking towards the door and out to his freedom.

Carlo had gotten out a year before him, on parole after the stabbing. He was waiting by the car, leaning against the hood with his arms crossed, ready to receive his brother in arms, as it were.

“Hey, la familia.” Carlo quoted, embracing Chico as warmly as he’d ever been embraced. He knew Carlo really did think of him as family, which was good, he figured, as the rest of his family was dead or never existed.

They drove mostly in Chico’s silence and Carlo’s explanation about how things had changed on the outside.

“There’s this thing, it’s like a program for the new phones that are out; TikTok. Like, videos less than a minute long, usually, about everything from facts to fiction to inane shitposts.”

Chico snorted as he explained what a shitpost was, still looking out the window at the world he’d left so many years ago. The buildings were some new and some old. The clothes were some new and some old. He was some new and some old.

When they’d gotten to Carlo’s apartment, Chico was already spent for the day, the travel and peopling taking a lot out of him. He slept like shit, loving the bed but hating where his mind was taking him.

All those people he’d hurt or killed, sort of dancing in his mind all blurry and dreamily. People who’d never get the chance he was just given. All the lives he’d ruined.

Then there was Allita, the representation of the life he’d never had.

Carlo woke him up.

Apparently he was clawing at his neck again.

When he awoke the next day, he’d started his search for Allita, scouring the internet with Carlo’s assistance. The fuck was Tinder anyway?

Carlo had found her Insta, her posing with some guy with a nondescript face. They’d only been dating a year or so from what her stories told. He knew it was her when he’d found her, because she had those same eyes. Same smile.

They found out that she worked at a Starbucks-like coffee house, one of about a thousand new locations since Chico had been away. He found the shop on Google Maps, and after ignoring some comments from Carlo that he was built to be a stalker, he grabbed Carlo’s keys and left.

The coffee shop was empty, for the most part, some song playing over the radio. Dominoes.

“Dominoes, dominoes, dominoes falling… you build us up just to knock us back down, funny why you act surprised when we hit the ground…”

“Hi, welcome to Cafe Roma. How might I provide you with excellent service today?” She chirped at him when he got to the front of the line. He waffled for a moment before ordering.

She was wearing all black, a couple of face piercings and tattoos, but a smile on her face. She did look pretty happy, and not just in a customer service type way.

“I’ll… fuck… just a small black coffee.”

“Short black Americano or just a demi of espresso?”

“I… I don’t know. Whichever I guess.”

She might as well have been speaking Swahili.

She giggled.

“Big coffee guy, huh?”

“Used to be. Thought I knew most of the words but…” he gestured vaguely to the menu. “Fuckin’ thing’s in hieroglyphics now.”

“Why haven’t you had coffee in the last ten years?” She laughed, ringing in his order.

There was no one else in line, so he decided to chit chat before springing the news.

“I… just got out of Oz… shit, I mean Oswald-“

“I know what Oz is.” She snipped a little, face becoming a little less kind than before, but she shook it off quickly. “Have someone in there myself.”

“Anyone I know?” Chico baited.

“Hope not. Person I know is a real piece of shit.” She spat, handing him his receipt. “No offense.” She came back quickly.

“No, you’re pretty much on the money for most of us.”

Some indie song came on the speaker now. He didn’t know the band, so he asked.

“Mountain Goats,” she informed, starting to make his easy coffee order.

“From the cities to the swamplands… From the highways to the hills… Our love has never had a leg to stand on… From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elavils… But, I will walk down to the end with you… If you will come all the way down with me…”

“Seriously, it’s gonna bother me.” Chico lied. “You look so familiar. Is your Oz connection related to you?”

“Yes.” She answered, tersely. “My biological father.”

“As opposed to-“

“As opposed to anyone who had any hand in raising me.”

“Right. Sorry.” He shrunk back, taking his coffee. She sighed.

“Enrique Morales?” She questioned, and he snapped his fingers as if the realization was just coming to him.

“That’s who.”

“Yeah well, you’re doing a helluva lot better than he is if you got out. That motherfucker’s gonna rot in there.”

“You’re pretty mad at him.” He observed, and she shrugged as if to say ‘what else?’ “I guess I’m just curious. You seem to be doing well for yourself despite not having him around.”

“I’m doing well because I didn’t have him around. If he’d have stayed, he’d have poisoned my life like he did his own. Don’t get me wrong, I was always hurt he left to just fuck around and do crime, again, no offense. It made me feel like I was worth less than the rush. Less than the money and power. But he taught me the most important lesson ever, by leaving; he taught me what I could handle, and apparently, I can handle a lot. I’m stronger because of it.” She concluded, sort of cocking her head at him. Be nodded and sipped his coffee.

“How?” Was all he asked.

“There’s a poem… I studied English in school, and there was one guy I wrote a thesis on; William Wordsworth? Familiar?”

He shook his head, so she started reciting.

“What though the radiance which was once so bright, be now forever taken from my sight, and though nothing can bring back the hour, of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we grieve not, rather find, strength in what remains behind.” She started to clean the counter absentmindedly. “The trick isn’t focusing on what’s lost, just finding those moments that last a lifetime and keeping them close. Find whatever the strength is in what remains, I guess.”

His chest contracted a little, sucking in breath and not seeming to let it go.

“How do you do that?” He asked, forgetting the tact of his questions and simply asking what was on his mind.

She smiled sadly.

“Like you do anything else; one step at a time.”

“I… thank you.” Was all he said. He had enough to report to Enrique now. She was just fine without him. Just fine.

He threw a tip in the jar and turned to leave, before hearing;

“Tell Dad I said thank you.” She called to him, and his head whipped around to see her smirking, still a little sadly. “For teaching me how strong I am.”

He nodded his head in the affirmative and left, her words burning through his head like hot metal through snow.

He drove around a little and kept that poem rolling over the grooves of his brain.

“Strength in what remains behind.”

He put on the radio; some country station.

“I don't know about tomorrow… But right now the whole world feels right… And the memory of a day like today… Could get you through the rest of your life”

“Find those moments that last a lifetime.” Still drifting in his head.

He waited for Enrique to call and told him the news. He could hear the muscles in his body relaxing at that news.

“Thanks, Chico.”

“She’s… she’s pretty fuckin’ smart too.” He mentioned what she said to him, and Enrique also mulled those words over in his head.

“Good luck taking the first step, hermano.”

Chico went to bed that night, the words still dancing in his head; and woke up the next day with an entirely new outlook on life. He threw his clothes on and went for a walk.

He applied for two jobs that day; one as a daytime mechanic, the other as a weekend bartender at some local college bar. He got both jobs. When asked what his biggest weakness was, he said; “I didn’t know what I could take. That’s not a problem anymore.”

He always liked working on cars with his older brother, Bobby, before he was killed in a gang war. It was nice to do things that reminded him of Bobby. He spent the last twenty years trying to forget him.

He sat in the park on his lunch breaks, sometimes tossing his leftovers to the pigeons.

He started working out again, and not just to survive, lifting weights for the endorphins he was no longer getting from drugs.

He tried to live less impulsively, something not easy at first, but like anything, it got so easy over time that he realized one day that he wasn’t thinking about it anymore, just sort of doing it.

He stopped focusing on what he didn’t have, or what was taken from him. He found those moments that could get you through the rest of your life, and held onto them.

He caught up on the Saw movies, having been arrested after the first one. He really liked that torture porn shit, fucked as it may be. His favorite was either Saw VI or Saw VIII. His favorite trap was the Shotgun Carousel.

He and Carlo always talked through it.

After they finished that, they tackled all the major horror movie franchises, his favorite being the Saws or the Final Destinations, his least favorite being the I Know What You Did Last Summers. He never got into those, but watched all three.

He and Carlo started a horror movie reaction YouTube channel, getting a few hundred loyal subscribers, that being enough for them.

Chico learned to cook a little, only really knowing how to make arroz con pollo and huevos rancheros before, but he and Carlo were making their way through a recipe book they thrifted; some parody bullshit porn book named Fifty Shades of Chicken. They could hardly get through any recipe without laughing their asses off.

He enjoyed bartending. Bartenders got flirted with and bribed and everything, and having that little bit of admiration and power from the hoards of drunken pseudo adults was enough for him.

He enjoyed cutting people off and serving body shots.

Everyone liked him, calling him the Shot Master for his ability to turn any full sized drink into a potent shot, his favorite being any drinks with sexual names. Loved serving those to the hotties that flirted with him for free drinks.

Which he gave out often.

He became a Mountain Goats fan, and caught up on all the Gorillaz lore he missed. His favorites were Old College Try and Clint Eastwood, respectively.

He was sort of filling in the parts of his personality that he normally filled with crime.

He tried to get into musicals when Miguel had invited them to one of the shows he was managing, but only really liked Hamilton and Next to Normal, though he never really talked about the last one.

He liked that song Next to Normal. “Something next to normal, that would be okay.”

Chico was fine living next to normal. It was the closest he’d ever come to it.

Sean Murphy and Tim McManus checking in on his often. He couldn’t say he cared for either but was pleasant enough that they didn’t cause trouble for him.

He and Carlo would drink and mock both of them after though.

He was the Best Man at Carlo’s wedding, and then the godfather to his kid a year later.

The two were inseparable. Brothers. Family.

Chico liked playing with his Goddaughter, Carlota, or Lottie for short.

She like that when they played, he always did the voices for the toys, though he denied it to anyone but Carlo and his wife.

By the time she was two, they were having full (nonsensical) conversations, picking her up during We Don’t Talk About Bruno and throwing her on his back like the rats along his back, her giggling in his ear the whole way.

He liked making faces at her, and she always made them back.

Chico was in the middle of peace before he realized that he’d started, feeling as secure and happy as he had in his entire life.

He regretted his past to some extent, but didn’t lose himself in it as he did before. He knew what he’d lived made him who he was, and he had some respect for that.

He didn’t focus so much on what he lost, but what he had, realizing he had quite a bit in life, or at least more than others.

He worked through his problems with Carlo, and with himself.

He knew he wasn’t some fancy doctor or lawyer with a kid and three cars, but he lived just fine, and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Just to be okay with where you are and who you are.

When he found his peace and his smile and his life, and before he knew it, the smile and light came back to his face, and he was contented.

Yeah, he’d found strength in what remained, and what remained held him over for years to come.

He never went back to Oz; never went back to who he was, but he appreciated Chico of yesterday, if only for teaching him what he could handle.

[doomedclockworkdotmp3]

heeyyy gaaanggg

the pose and the background of the album version (left) are based on oingo boingos only a lad album art. not cause i think he has anything to do with it but just cause ive been wantin to draw that pose for like. weeks and i didnt know who to put there. so why not my latest bug man.

[missingn000]

hey all! i wrote a what-if character study & action fic for if king fought sanji instead of zoro during the raid on onigashima. i'd really love if you gave it a read! thanks so much!

link

playlist

happy reading!

[luminique]

if i may... late night bike rides with lighter 🫶

whether you know how to ride a bike or not, most of the late night bike rides are on his bike. he makes sure that everyone is asleep before heading out with you. this way, he could have your arms wrapped around his waist as he drives out of blazewood. the road is pretty smooth for the most part so he takes this as a chance to sneak his hand onto yours, as if to fix your hand placement. in reality, it’s his way of knowing that you’re there, holding onto him.

it gets colder during the night in the outer ring. no blazing sun, the skies are clear, the iridescent edges of multiple hollows. he knows the perfect spot to stop at that had the best views. he clumsily removes his gloves off before putting a hand out for you to hold as you got off the bike. he has all these sharp parts on his gloves and he does not want you getting poked by it.

the stars twinkled across the night sky, it was breathtaking. with the outer ring depending on oil rigs, carbon emissions were high and yet it seemed like this was the only area untouched by it. your eyes may have been on the stars but his eyes were on you. you’d tell him to take his shades off because what’s the point of wearing them at night but he doesn’t want you to see how smitten he is.

it started off with just sitting on the ground. then it progressed to laying down side by side while talking. after a while, he’d notice your change in speech. how you’re talking slower and quieter. that was when he knew that you were getting a little tired. so as usual, he makes sure you’ve got something comfy under your head.

using his arm, he’d guide you to place your head on it. he’s definitely going insane at this moment but you were too busy trying to fight off your sleepiness to even notice his flushed face. you were practically talking nonsense now at this point and then a sudden silence mid sentence.

he doesn’t dare wake you up, instead choosing to watch you sleep. the way your chest goes up and down with every breath, your body unconsciously moving closer to his, searching for some sort of warmth. with his scarf, he’s slowly wrapping it around your neck instead. it’s not that big but it’s enough for the time being. the sound of your breathing and the sounds of wind in the outer ring, he finds it serene enough to rest his eyes, falling asleep right next to you.

you’re woken up by the soft light of the sunrise, eyelids fluttering open. you don’t see lighter next to you but his scarf is still wrapped around you. his voice calls out to you, casually leaning against his bike. he’s facing the sunrise but his eyes are on you. he wouldn’t mind doing this again, as long as it means he gets to spend time like this with you.

[sysig]

“My streamer” voice: My doctorrrrrr (Patreon)

[sejanusarchive]

There’s so many layers to Sejanus being devastated by Marcus’s fate.

He hates how the districts are treated by the Capitol, hates the cruelty of the Hunger Games, he feels the same emotional pain he would have felt being a tribute himself, if not even more, having to watch completely safe from afar, unable to do anything to put an end to the senseless slaughter, while guilt gnaws at him for not risking getting picked to participate himself, for having escaped.

No innocent child deserves that, and it gets even worse when one of the children picked is someone he personally knows, someone he used to share a routine with, someone he used to spend hours alongside in a classroom.

And that child isn’t just someone, that child is Marcus, the kind boy who, while not even being his friend, went out of his way to help him when he got hurt, completely unprompted, just out of the goodness of his heart.

That boy is a testament to what Sejanus already knows, that everyone seems to keep forgetting, which is that humanity at its core is and can be better than how it’s currently behaving. Not to mention how that was probably the last time Sejanus ever experienced an act of such pure, unconditional kindness. And that simple gesture was so impactful on him, it was enough to cement Marcus’s presence in his heart for all those years and then the rest of his life, and it no doubt helped shape Sejanus into the person he became. Someone as good as Marcus shouldn’t be going through all of that, and it drives Sejanus crazy. If the Hunger Games were too much for him to handle before, now that Marcus is involved, they're unbearable.

But there’s more to Marcus. He is also a safe memory to Sejanus, one who undoubtedly often comforted him when he was feeling at his worst. And he’s one of the main things Sejanus thinks about when he thinks of District 2, his home. Home, which despite the fact that he lived there during the war, despite all the suffering he witnessed, despite the reality of the current living conditions there, is still Sejanus’s happy, safe place; it’s the place he belongs to, the place that could fix almost everything for him. But he can never return there. It has to exist only as a memory, kept safely locked away and untouched in his mind and heart.

But when Marcus arrives in the Capitol, he brings his home with him too, he is the physical manifestation of it. Sejanus’s desperation doesn’t just stem from the fact that it’s Marcus, the innocent, kind-hearted boy, undeserving of such cruelty; but also from the fact that that’s his Marcus as well, the one whose existence is synonymous to his home, his sweet boy from his memories, his comfort. Marcus being there doesn’t only mean the pointless, unjust death of a good person, Marcus being there also means the death of Sejanus’s home, its image no longer far away, safe and untouched, kept only in his mind.

Now it’s here and crumbling in front of his eyes. He already knew the reality of things, but it was just that: knowledge. Now he’s face to face with it, face to face with the fact that neither Marcus or his home are or will ever be safe. And, worst of all, he has no way to save them, or anyone else, he’s powerless and completely hopeless against the cruelty of the Capitol, against their fate; and now more than ever, since he’ll have to witness the death of the boy whose memory so often brought him hope before.

In the end all that’s left of both of them, for Sejanus, is a small chunk of marble, made from the same material as his District and carved into the shape of a heart, because that’s exactly where Sejanus’s own is: home with Marcus. We learn he has carried it to his new life in Twelve, immediately before we learn the only pictures he’s taken with him are of his family and his classmates in Two, of him, home for one the last times, standing with Marcus right behind him. That heart is the last physical object connected to Two and Marcus that he’ll have with him for the rest of his life, the last symbol of what he lost and will never get back, of what he couldn’t save or help.

But it’s also the one object connected to them that he brought with him when he regained faith, when he felt like he could finally make a difference and actually help people in the districts; the last symbol that things could still get better and not all hope is lost.

For Sejanus Marcus is a kind and innocent kid; he’s the good in humanity; he’s a safe memory; he’s the marble heart, because he is hope and comfort, and despair and helplessness, and home, and because he is deeply rooted in his own heart

[goldyluna]

I got inspired by @rosehippiefield's post about Shin's advice on how to deal with Midori and his own behavior towards Sara (that you can find here!). It made me want to analyze more his reasons behind all of his cruel acts. And how some other people from our main cast were affected because of the death game. So.

People can act very differently in different situations. Their emotions and behaviors are always connected to something they go through. No matter if we understand why and how.

So people that are aggressive, cruel, judgmental, rude, miserable, or every other negative adjective usually have a reason for being the way they are. Knowing the reason is really important for understanding others behavior. Of course understanding the reason doesn’t automatically mean we should like this person or forgive them!

Aggression can happen as a natural response to stress, fear, or a sense of losing control. People also react harshly and negatively when they feel like they are mistreated, people don't listen to them, or they are just frustrated. Fear is a really important factor in how we act too.

In Your Turn To Die we have a really specific situation. A few unsuspecting people got kidnapped and put in an unknown place to fight for their lives.

Death itself is a really strong stressor. So adding to it that basically everything is unknown is really not helping with the pressure.

Like was said before, people can behave differently even in similar situations. Really important are the personality, previous experience and predispositions.

Our main cast experiences different things, and because of that, their perspective and way of going through their current situation can be even more different.

Each of them will react differently because of the trauma and reactions of the body to the situation. Some of them even had traumas before landing in the Death Game by Majority.

There, of course, will be feelings connected with experienced trauma (during and afterwards). There are some that we can also see in the game:

Anger

Numbness or difficulty feeling any strong emotions

Lost

Fear or panic

Grief

Worried

Irritation

Confusion

Restless

Hypervigilance

Shock or horror

Shame

People may be affected by trauma in many different ways. There may be problems with looking after yourself, not being able to have a stable job, being distrustful, forgetting things or they can struggle with low self-esteem. People like that can experience flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation or suicidal thoughts.

After this long introduction, let's take a closer look at some of our characters!

NAO Nao lost someone very dear to her. She even went a little crazy for a moment. But she is so strong mentally she moved past the death, she didn't give up.

A lot can be said about Nao. That she is rational, really smart, selfless and she is not afraid of making sacrifices for a greater goal. That's why it was her that pushed fake Reko down the pit, saving Sara from making the decision.

She doesn't hold a grudge against Shin. She really pays attention to details, so she notices Reko behaves differently. But she still hits Shin because she got scared (Kai's making) and, more importantly, we get the Massacre Ending.

It is not the greater good, this is not selfless. It is selfish and only for her (and Sara), so she can live. Because it is not fair for anyone to be destined to die.

KANNA Kanna was searching for comfort from Sara. She viewed her as someone safe and trustworthy. Someone she can look up to as a big sister.

I am not saying she was replacing Kugie, but at that moment she needed a sisterly figure and Sara suited this role so well. She gave her support and spent time with her. Sara was the one that was there for Kanna and was from the very beginning.

We see Kanna as someone cowardly, shy and innocent. Maybe a little too trusting. The death she experienced at the beginning didn't help and only made the whole experience worse. But she was with people that she trusted and wanted to help. That she was so brave in the second Main Game, making her death a choice. And even if she lived, her demeanor changed. At least a little. She wants to live for those that died for her and it is making her stronger.

Kanna will always be Kanna, but thanks to all the people that support her, she could show her real self. The prettiest flower in the game.

Q-TARO Q-taro is someone who changed his ways. He could escape with the tokens he got (and did), he could leave Gin for dead. But he wants what he thinks is the best. Being alive was the best he could think of at the beginning.

He is an easygoing and friendly giant with high levels of anxiety and selfishness. He has his moments of doubt, like with the tokens.

When we give him enough tokens, he escapes. Even when Rio tells him that, if he inserts all tokens, everyone else will die. Even when he is offered his tokens back. He just apologizes and turns away from Sara.

When we won't do the trade with him, he can't go with his plan. When his doll talks during the coffin roulette, he admits he wanted to abandon them all even if it meant killing someone. And when he talked with Mai after she woke up, he said that he would do the same as her, but he didn't have the opportunity.

He trusted Mai and didn't blame her for the stabbing because he understood. He made the whole plan of saving others by dying himself. Sacrifice from a guy wanting to live hits so hard.

KEIJI The thing with Keiji is complicated. He is a liar, a murderer and a skiver. But he also is so full of guilt and anger. He is still grieving. Years passed, but he still feels guilty about the death of Mr. Policeman.

He is angry, desperate, lost in the dark thoughts. And he acts on them during his First Trial. But Megumi was his friend once, someone really important to him. They drank together, worked together, spent a lot of time together. So he had another's blood on his hands and the whole death game on his head.

He isn't trusting anyone because he knows he himself has something to hide. But he suppresses all the emotions and hides behind humor and fake flirting. He lies about being a policeman because he thinks that would be the way for others to not think he did anything horrible.

He doesn't feel like someone who can do anything about his situation, let alone theirs all. It is easier to give responsibility to another person, even if she is only 17 years old.

He acts how he believes is the best. He acts without telling the person that is supposed to trust him the most his plans. For the best or for the worst.

The death game isn't really a good supplement for therapy.

SARA Sara is very strong-minded, very befitting for a leader. She is our main character, so it is obvious a lot will revolve around her. But even this is too much. There is just so much on her shoulders.

She is only in high school but she almost died a few times (and she did, probably, as we are the players, so the GAME OVER screen isn't strange for us) in a very short time. She got people she can trust and those that hate her and make her life harder. She became a leader for all of them and they look up to her.

"Are you going to be our goddess of victory... or our angel of death?”

A lot of pressure is put on her. She will be the reason everyone will survive or die. Isn't that comforting, Keiji?

But okay, some may say that she is a born leader anyway, but she holds onto Keiji really hard. He is her anchor after Joe. It is also a way to destroy her if she will ever lose him. Because while Sara is she's extremely competent, she makes mistakes. But we know she will always get up.

Sara is also even more interesting, because we know her rate of survival is 15.5% (and the % of our participants is really curious in itself and deserves its own post). We saw a lot of faces of Sara thanks to simulations. She could be merciless, manipulative and ready to do anything to survive. She is obsessed and selfish, not caring for anyone else, just herself.

And we can't blame her, she wants to live. When we are desperate, we do things that aren't good. Those horrible situations, life-threatening ones, make us different people.

Have you ever heard about the Johari Window?

The Johari Window is a quadrant diagram that is used to show how we know ourselves and how others perceive us. It can be a tool to understand ourselves—how we behave, our character traits, skills, attitudes, knowledge and reactions.

Like the name suggests, there are four parts to this model.

Open Part - there are things that are known to you and others. If you know you are shy and you act shy towards other people, all of you know that you are shy. We know Nao is an artist. She knows that and tells others she went to study art. She was completely Open with that.

Hidden Part - is when there are aspects only known to you. You keep them hidden from others so others won't know those things about you. For example, you can be very opinionated, but you don't show it to others. Then they can't know that your opinions may be different than theirs because they can't hear your thoughts.

Blind Spot - it is the complete opposite of the previous part. There are things that others know about you, but you are not aware of them. Kanna is really clever. She figured out the password to Kai's laptop when Shin had a problem with it and she knew that Shin tampered with her sister's message. But she still thinks of herself as not smart (she says that in chapter 2 part 2).

Unknown Part - this one is really interesting, because about this part neither you nor others know about yet. Mostly it stays a secret, but sometimes, where there is a really unpredictable situation that can, for example be life-threatening, that Part may come to light.

We never can know how we will behave during those situations that we never lived through. We don't know if we will fight, flight, freeze, flop or fawn.

Q-taro and Sara are perfect examples of the Unknown Part of the Johari Window.

Q-taro's high level of stress pushed him to do some horrible things. When he had to actively choose if it was him or Gin that would die, he didn't do anything. He let Gin get hit because he was afraid to die, even if the poison would work slower on him. Some shame him for this, but if we were in his place, would we do differently? Click a button that could kill us. We don't know and we hopefully won't.

We may say we would do or not do some things, but until the situation happens to us, we won't be sure.

Similar with Sara and her behavior. All the things she did, all the thoughts, emotions, relationships and ways of doing things we see are a result of some really important factor. She changes after the logic route, why?

Because of Joe. He is her tranquilizer, her anchor, her morality. He was the person that made Sara care during the death game.

Her whole behavior switched only because of one person.

When we pick Kanna to live, Sara is how we know her. Compassionate, strong, mature. But when Shin lives, Joe dies again, but this time in her memories. It makes the situation similar to those in simulations.

Even Sara is terrified by what she is doing.

SHIN (+ Midori)

And that's why Shin is so suspicious of Sara all the time! But let's start at the beginning with him.

Shin is, like every character in YTTD, a very complex character. We know him as an annoying, scary and cruel man for most of the game. Some of us hate him still and some took him as their favorite.

What he did and his reasons aren't forgettable. But it is nice to see a reason behind his behavior.

Midori is sadistic and really cruel. He torments others for his own amusement and loves to watch them break. He loves to make others be afraid of him—and that's why he always tries to be intimidating by holding eye contact and saying unsettling things. He is mean and childish, but he also is really good at reading people. He uses that for his own use, to push the limits of others, control them and let them fall in desperation.

Shin spent a lot of time with Midori. He was his only friend in school and he was so scared of him. Midori did everything to make Shin uncomfortable, but also unable to leave him.

But thanks to that, he knows a lot about him. Shin knows Midori loves control, so taking it away from him is lethal. He knows that Midori is so afraid of death (even if Midori thinks nobody will ever kill him), he is a coward that cares only about himself.

When Shin gives Sara advice, it is so ironic. He tells Sara she should act how he acts towards her. To try to intimidate Midori, make him scared, take away his control.

The advice is important, because only thanks to that can we see how Shin sees Sara and his situation.

Sara is so similar to Midori. Shin can see in her all those cruel acts that never happened. She is in so much control because she is the leader and makes a lot of final decisions. She can be so intimidating. She has sometimes emotional outbursts (that are entirely justified). Additionally, she has a really high % of survival that automatically makes her the most dangerous enemy.

Of course Sara isn't like Midori. Their reasons are different and Sara is genuinely a really good person. But Shin has problems with distinguishing them.

Shin definitely got traumatized during his "friendship time" with Midori. It affected him so much, he is searching for danger in anything remotly similar to what he already knows. His defence mechanism and heuristic try to save him, but it does more harm than good.

He got hurt by someone close to him, so he is extra careful. He doesn't want to be too close to people, prefers to be distant and mean. He prefers to act as someone he hates and is scared of, why?

Because he is afraid. In his own eyes, he is weak and easy to get rid of if he is useless. He thinks the way to survive is to act as the only person that made him feel the worst.

Intimidation, cruelty, cunning, manipulation, lies. Those are the keys to survival in the world where it is kill or be killed. If he is those things, he may live longer than if he were himself.

But as we know, Shin also isn't like Midori. He cares—for Kanna, Gin, even for Keiji and Sara. And he wants them all to escape, despite everything. But going back to old Shin isn't an option anymore. Too much has happened.

Fear is infinitely connected with anger. Anger makes people mean and impulsive. That's why after Kanna's death, he made the worst Joe experience for Sara. That's why he was so mean to Kanna when it turned out that she isn't the Sacrifice and is ready to die for him.

That's why he hates Sara. He is so, so afraid it hurts.

He wants to destroy any possibility that could hurt him and the only way, in his opinion, for that to happen is to hit first. And that's how they should fight with Midori.

Fight fire with fire.

But if anyone knows how extinguishing fire with fire works, then they know that at the end both fire dies and the forest will still be burnt. There will always be victims, no matter if they are main or side characters.

Fire destroys. Midori is so widespread that he can't be stopped by using only water. Sara is a small fire that Shin wants to nip in the bud before it is greater than the forest itself.

But we are heading towards the end slowly. There are fewer and fewer people. Relations will always be strained but also deeper, on another level. Let's see how they will act in the final chapter!

THE END

Finally, I just want to say: there always will be choices to choose, decisions to decide and fires to fight. We can hate, love or like anyone for any reason, but it is important to understand the other person.

Sometimes life is so unpredictable. We won't know what will happen and what we will do. We don't know ourselves as well as we think we do.

But let's be kind to ourselves and others. We don't know what they went through and what will happen to us.

[catzz089]

hi

i can't remember if i said this on ao3 or here but i LIVE for the chapter titles you come up with

also is that Monaco based youtuber Nico Rosberg in the latest chapter??? he is truly my hero 🙏

ps. thank you for not making oscar a villan <3

THANK YOU!!!!! Unfortunately, I'm thinkinh I may need to change the last two, because the entire point of them is to be obvious enough that re-readers can skip to their fav chapters, but subtle enough that new readers won't know what they're in for if they just skim through all the titles. I fear not much is subtle about shopping for hostages and hostage retrival

Who beat Lewis Hamilton in equal machinery? Anything but lovers??? YES I THINK IT IS!!!!!!

NEVERRRRR, that man is saving us from a Lando WDC and I'm so grateful for it

[britneyshakespeare]

Had the extremely upsetting experience of a mutual of like 6 years going off on me for occasionally making posts about supporting Harris because apparently that makes me a g n cide denier who refuses to learn and grow, with all of my views just being assumed not even from what I've told them I believe or what I've posted before, but just because I DON'T post particularly the kind of things they THINK I should be. When I pointed out how much they were just completely assuming about stuff I'd never talked to them about, I was told it doesn't matter what I do in real life or "care" about if I simply disagree with their conclusion and vote for her anyway. Like they were absolutely not sorry for the level of maliciousness they not just assumed of my character, but for some reason thought appropriate to bring directly to me before unfollowing me. No apology whatsoever for how discomforting or upsetting that might be and certainly no acknowledgment that I could disagree with them and still be a good person. I just got another even longer rant about how they fundamentally can't fuck with me because of this one thing, no matter WHAT else I do in my real life (which I pointed out that they do not know), and how I'm directly supporting fascism.

Like seriously what is it about Tumblr that makes people think they know someone based off of occasional posts? There were just such DEEP assumptions they were making of me and going off of very little or absolutely nothing. Around the time I first became mutuals with that person I used to express my personality and beliefs and talk about what was going on in my life a lot more openly, but I've significantly scaled back on doing that in many ways for many reasons. One of my major ones is privacy and the way I've had strangers outside my followers and following circles just find random things I say and dogpile me for it. I was fundamentally changed after some T Fs did that to me like 3 years ago. I also just didn't have many conversations w that person anymore (I message people in general on here like 10x less than I did circa 2018-2019, which I'm somewhat sorry about!). My point is to say I think this person felt comfortable assuming that they knew me, especially who I am in 2024 at the age of 25, much better than they actually did.

One of the specific things they accused me of was being afraid of learning and growing (because I don't perform social media activism on here like they think I should). Like AFRAID to take criticism. When again I've never received criticism from them or had to respond to any criticism on here before as pertaining to my views on... well, absolutely any of the issues they accused me of not caring about. They essentially treated it as if the only thing in the world I cared about was the US election and characterized me as the most out-of-touch liberal they could possibly imagine, because I'm not "pushing" Kamala Harris to be better (Oh?? Should I do that on here?? Does she read my blog??).

And most hypocritically what they said was that I only *sometimes* *vaguely* post pro-Harris things (I often post like 5 or fewer things in a day though?). But here's the kicker. "Because I know I'll get shit for it. And rightfully so."

Really????? Not a single person, anon or not, in my messages or in a tagged post or anything, has ever given me shit before for saying who I'm voting for. I'm actually NOT afraid of "getting shit" for that opinion, I just don't start fights with people who are anti-voting. And why should I??? I genuinely don't believe in trying to change the minds of strangers on the internet about that sort of thing. I'm just not confrontational about it; that is so not the same thing as being "afraid of getting shit." I'm not posting ENOUGH about my support for Harris, therefore I'm afraid. But therefore they can also make all these assumptions about me being their strawman for an ignorant Harris supporter.

I'm afraid of getting shit but I still post anyway? But if I weren't afraid of getting shit I'd be posting a lot more?? This is ALL based on their assumptions of what my blog *should* look like, based on what I really and truly believe. My level of posting every now and then is an accurate gauge of my feelings on complex, sensitive, global issues. Because I'm voting for the Democratic presidential candidate and I'm ok sharing pretty much just that little glimpse of myself.

I really don't think that person knows just how inappropriate and insulting that is to just say all of that to me. Like they really know what's going on in my head. Their first message began and ended with like "I'm sorry I love you I just can't take it anymore" but they clearly weren't sorry enough to try and be more respectful to me, and they didn't love me enough not to default to extremely ungenerous assumptions and attacking me based off of those instead of any actual words I've said that they take issue with.

Online radicalization is real and it's not necessarily bad because your political views can start to fall well out of the contemporary Overton window. The way you find it appropriate to treat people whose views, however common, seem to fundamentally misalign with yours... that does matter. You can't just assume the worst of everyone and then act on that in how you approach them as individuals. And then be shocked that you don't stay friends with them. You can't be confrontational with someone about an issue you've never had an honest conversation about, and then expect them to take your bad faith in them as reasonable well-meaning criticism.

I'm afraid of criticism??? I'm afraid of criticism. No I'm not. This person and I have never had an issue before where they criticized me and I got harshly defensive. It was ALL projection. The entire tone of their messages was as if all their anti-voting posts recently were somehow in communication with the occasional go-vote-for-Harris posts that I make. That's not a conversation. I don't post for your satisfaction. I don't post in "response" to my mutuals I disagree with. I just post what's on my mind, sometimes, about some things. I really again can't stress enough how baffled I am by this

[tsukikoayanosuke]

One's Dazzling Light - Ruikasa Week 2024

Day4: Fantasy

Rui always thought that the world was cruel. That happiness doesn't exist in his play of life. The curtain rose to reveal a dark wood where he lived since he was born. A poor peasant couple; the toy maker husband and the housewife. In a world where magic surrounded the air, what could a pair of magicless humans do? 

Neither of them could raise a child of magic. Not just any magic; the Pure Darkness. A magic of jinx and curse. A magic that could bring ruin to the world. 

A magic bestowed on the only son of the poor Kamishiro family. 

His parents tried their best. They did. They loved him more than anything in the world and he lived him back. His father taught him about crafts and his mother taught him about flowers. 

But Rui was a child. A lone child who only wants friends. 

And yet no children his age wanted to step onto his stage. They shun him for having the cursed magic. He could count on one hand the children who eventually accept him the way he is; a shy mermaid named Nene who accidentally swam too close to the beach when he was practicing and a knight-in-training named Mizuki who had been outcasted for being too feminine. 

Those four people are the people Rui kept close to his heart.

And the world decided to take them away almost immediately.

"I got accepted!" Nene said to him, happy tears streaming down her cheeks. "Phoenix Orchestra. I get to sing and travel the world."

He didn't have the heart to beg her to stay.

"I'm going to the Knight Academy next year," Mizuki said to him. "Do you want to join in as well?"

He just shook his head, knowing he had no place there.

"We'll be home in just a week, okay kiddo?" His father ruffled his hair.

"Don't forget that we love you." His mother kissed his forehead.

They never came home. Their carriage was attacked. It was not an accident, Rui knew that. The punishment of being the parent of a cursed child. 

They tried to kill him as well, but a burning house could never hurt him. He sent it back to them, burning them to the bone. After all, Pure Darkness magic could increase misfortune. Perhaps he accidentally cast it upon himself. But he no longer cares. 

If the world tries to kill him, then he'll destroy them first with his own hand. 

"I understand you," the spotlight shone upon a lady in black with pink hair who smelled like death. She offered a hand toward him. "There are many who seek justice, to restart the world with a blank canvas. With your power, we shall bring salvation to those who seek." 

"What must I do?" 

"There are people who are the opposite of you; four people hold the power of Pure Light. Find them, bring them to me, and with the power of Pure Darkness, we shall create a Utopia." 

Rui, who has nothing left to lose and a desire to see the world crumble, took the hand. 

The title 'Alchemist' was bestowed upon him.

The world trembled before his title despite never seeing his true appearance for his illusion magic. In his search for those Pure Light, he brought judgment upon evil. Those who commit crimes will receive punishment from him. Those who wish for revenge upon their enemies, he shall fulfill it. The true Utopia may not come sooner, but he shall bring a little salvation to the people.

*****

In the small provincial town of Phenny, Rui had found one of the Lights. He had sensed a shift in magic the moment he stepped into the town. It was warm, inviting, peaceful... It was everything that Rui wasn't. A Pure Light, such presence they had.

It brought him to an inn. Rather crowded this late in the evening, filled with drunkards and knights off-shift. Rui schruched up hin nose. Could the Light possibly be here in this lowly place?

"Rui? Is that you?"

Rui turned toward the voice and saw a familiar pinknette, now dressed in a silver uniform. "Mizuki..."

"Hey, man!" Mizuki ran toward him, not hesitating to hug him. "It has been a while!"

"I thought you were still studying at the Knight Academy."

"I am. I'm in my final year, so we had a one-year service thing."

"Who are you servicing to?"

"Oh, just some guy." Mizuki didn't look at him as they waved their hand nonchalantly. A gesture of avoidance. They were hiding something and Rui had his guesses.

"Mizuki!"

There it was. A Pure Light walking toward them. Taking a figure of a young man dressed in simple, yet elegant, clothes at the same time; a suit, blue hat, a bow as a tie, and a coat over its shoulder with constellations. Hair as gold as sunset and eyes that shine with innocence.

The Light widened its eyes. "O-Oh. Hello! Are you a friend of Mizuki?"

"You can say that." Rui smiled just for pleasantry. "I'm Kamishiro Rui. And who might you be?"

"Tenma Tsukasa. But you can call me Tsukasa." It offered its hand and Rui took it. Such power radiated from that hand, sending shivers down their spines. "Are you a traveler?"

"You can say that."

It smiled. "Well, I hope we see each other around."

For a prey to invite its predator into its nest, perhaps the Light was more gullible than Rui thought it was.

*****

Passing Akito's room, he could hear the sound of him humming. It wasn't an unusual occurrence, the Wanderer is often one who announces his presence with either a whistle or a caw of his eagle. 

This melody, however, sounded more cheerful, more passionate, and filled with excitement.

"What are you humming about?"

Akito raised his eyebrow from his spot on his bed. Book perched on a thigh and a pencil in his hand. "Why do you care?"

"Just curious."

Akito rolled his eyes and looked back to his book before writing something. When Rui thought he had decided to ignore him, Akito said, "It's just something Kohane taught me."

"Kohane?"

He paused. His gaze shifted to avoid Rui. "I mean, the Light."

Rui chuckled. "Oh, aren't you getting too chummy with it?"

"Shut up. It just happens we have the same interest."

He jumped off his bed and pulled his hood. "Where are you going?" Rui asked when Akito walked past him.

"Meeting-" He stopped himself. "I mean, keeping an eye on Kohane."

"Sure you are."

For a Darkness and Light to be friends... 

How ridiculous.

*****

Phoenix Orchestra arrived at Phenny. It was said that this small town was the birthplace of the most well-known orchestra in the entire country. The same orchestra that Nene joined. Thus their reunion happened in Phenny.

"Rui!" Nene was never one with physical contact, but she leaped into his arms. Even in his cold heart, Rui couldn't deny returning it. "It has been too long."

"I'm glad I can see you again."

"Me too." Nene pulled back. "Oh! I need to introduce you to someone!" She pulled him toward a small pinknette with a smile so wide. "This is Emu. She's the daughter of the head orchestra."

"Hello!" Emu took Rui's hands and shook them hard. "It's nice to meet you! Nene told me a lot about you!"

"She did?"

"Yup! I would love to get to know you!"

Rui couldn't help but chuckle. "Likewise."

"Oh! Oh! Now it's my turn to introduce you to my friend!" She pulled them toward the inn where Rui was now staying. And upon entering, he could hear the sound of a piano. A beautiful melody; soft and inviting. The Light sat there, eyes closed and smiling softly. Fingers glided down the keys, foot pressed the pedal to a ringing tone. A harmony that left Rui speechless. 

"It's just something Kohane taught me."

Was this what Akito felt when he met his Light? To hold a melody close to his heart and cause a change of heart.

When the piano stopped, Rui craved for more.

"Tsukasa!" Emu leaped into Tsukasa's arms, almost causing him to fall from his seat. 

"Emu! I didn't know you were coming back."

"We'll be here for a couple of months! Keisuke is thinking of holding another audition soon. You should try in." 

Light smiled and patted Emu's head. "I'll think about it."

"But you always said that!" Emu pouted.

"It's a hard decision, Emu."

"And why is that? If I may ask," Rui asked.

Light looked at him. His gaze softened and sighed. "I have a personal reason. I don't want to be a bother."

"You'll never be a bother," Emu said again. "Everyone will love you. I just know it! You'll be a star! Don't you want that?"

"I did." He sighed again. "But that was just a phase, Emu."

Emu stared at him with a slight sadness and Rui was curious about that answer.

Thus, when one night came as Emu, Nene, and Mizuki hung around at one table, Rui walked up to the piano where Light was playing once again. Even after a couple of times listening, Rui could say that he was quickly attached to Light's playing.

"What do you mean 'it was just a phase' last time?"

Light smiled. There was a hint of melancholy in his gaze. "I always know my time is limited. I can't let myself indulge in dreams." He glanced at him. "Aren't you here to take it away quicker from me?"

Rui hummed. "So, you know."

"Pure Light and Pure Darkness always resonate with each other. I've never met with you fellow, but I had sensed you the moment you arrived here."

"Are you going to fight me for your life?"

Light paused his playing. "Tell me, Rui." He fully looked at him. "Do you know what it means to bring salvation to the world?"

Rui didn't answer. The question haunted him in his sleep.

*****

"Rui, do you think we're doing the right thing?" Shizuku had asked him one day.

Rui turned to her. "What do you mean?"

Among the four of them, Shizuku had always been the most compassionate. She loves humanity, which includes her sister who she hadn't seen for a long time. The secret of her being the Pure Darkness was spoken and the guilt of leaving her sister behind always burdens her. 

"Minori told me," Minori was the name of the Light assigned to her, wasn't it? "that maybe we're heading to a decision that we couldn't go back anymore." 

"We are aiming for a Utopia. It's only normal that once the world is rewritten, everything won't be the same."

"I know that." She looked at her hand as Pure Darkness danced between her fingertips. "But still." She brought up her hand to her chest and smiled. It wasn't like the cold smile of the Songstress who charmed her victims. But it was Shizuku's smile; a smile filled with warmth. "I think I want to try to live in this world with her for now."

*****

The Light - Tsukasa - stood in the middle of the plaza, surrounded by children. There was a hint of jealousy blooming in Rui's heart. How funny that he hates the sight of children playing around him. He had gotten close these few days under a self-reassurance of building trust. His conversations with Tsukasa about their daily days were pleasant. In the evening, Tsukasa would play at the bar for his part-time job. Rui had asked once why he even bothered to have a job. Tsukasa just answered with, "I just want to experience life."

That was also a thing that Rui was confused about: the desire to live. Rui had given up on life for he had nothing else to do other than wait for salvation Lady Death would bring. Watching Tsukasa going on with his daily life (buying cute stuff for Mizuki with his own money, attending Nene and Emu's rehearsal, inviting Rui for stargazing), Rui wondered if he could do this as well in the new world. Perhaps, if he ever met Tsukasa again, they could live together and experience it.

...

What was that thought again?

"Do the magic, Big Brother Tsukasa!" One of the kids cheered. "Do the magic!"

Tsukasa giggled. "Alright, alright." Tsukasa looked up to Rui, smiling and offering a hand. "Come and give me a hand, Rui."

Rui frowned. "Me?"

"Yeah, come on." Tsukasa skipped to pull Tsukasa into the circle.

"Is he magic too?" One of the kids asked.

Tsukasa nodded. "Yeah, and a great one." He turned to Rui, still smiling at him.

"Are you sure?" Rui whispered. "Pure Darkness brings destruction."

"And Pure Light brings creation." Tsukasa opened his palm and Rui's keen eyes could see magic dancing on his palm. "When combine..." Tsukasa brought Rui's hand closer. "A miracle can be created."

Their hands joined together and Rui could feel their magic intertwined. It felt so right. The wind picked up underneath their feet, fluttering Tsukasa's coat and Rui's robe, carrying white and black feathers. The children cheered from the spectacles. When they reached for the feather, it burst into fireworks and bubbles. 

It was beautiful...

A feather landed on Tsukasa's head and it burst into bubbles. Tsukasa giggled and Rui's heart skipped a beat.

*****

"Luka, I don't want to do this anymore." 

Lady Death didn't even look surprised when Mafuyu stood up from her seat. The table felt so empty after Akito and Shizuku's departure, leaving only a pot of a single black lily in their seat. 

"Kanade had told me everything. You lied to us." 

"You trust the Light more than me?" Luka commented. 

"You never told us anything about sacrificing us all!" 

"What?" Rui looked between the two. "Mafuyu what are you talking about?" 

Mafuyu turned to him. The Marionette had always been emotionless, but at the moment Rui could see the great anguish in Mafuyu's eyes. "In order to create a new world, you need to destroy the first world before creating the new one. If Pure Light is the power of creation, what is needed for the destruction?"

"Darkness? We already know that Mafuyu-"

"The Pure Darkness is tied with our own soul. The same goes for the Pure Light to Kanade's. Once magic tied with one's soul, it became harder to extract." She turned back to Luka, glaring at her. "Any attempt of extracting Pure Darkness or Pure Light won't only result in death, but also the erasure of our existence."

What?

"What... What are you saying?"

"We won't be able to enjoy this Utopia is we disappear for good!" Mafuyu curled her fingers into a fist. "The only one winning here is Luka! She's just using us to get all the Pure Light and later killing us to get the Pure Darkness!"

No...

"Luka..." Rui stared at her. "Tell me this is not true... We're not going to die, right?"

Luka never answered them. But her silence was enough.

"I don't want to die..." Mafuyu lowered her head. Rui couldn't see her face, but he knew the devastation feeling she felt. "I don't want to leave Kanade... She's the only one I have..."

*****

"Sacrifices need to be made to reach one seemingly impossible goal," Tsukasa said as they stared into the sunset from the hill of white lilies. It was a secret place that even Mizuki wasn't told about. And yet Tsukasa showed it to Rui out of all people. "Four Light. Four Darkness. For one utopia that we won't be able to enjoy. Is it worth it?"

Rui turned to look at him. "Are you saying it's better just to let evil roam around this Earth?"

"No." Tsukasa shook his head. "Evil can't roam freely if law and order exist is being held up high." He looked up to the orange sky. "If a Utopia is a paraside where people can do whatever they want, then what's stopping them from doing evil again? Light and Darkness, good and evil, will always be there. One cannot be there without the other. How can one judge that something is evil if good doesn't exist? How can you say you've done a good deed if you don't know what evil doings are?"

"So, what do you suggest?"

"It's a tough question." He reached to snap a lily of its stem, bringing it closer to his nose to smell the scent. "But I don't think bringing the end of the world is a good solution." He giggled. "I still love this world and the people in it."

Tsukasa looked at him with a smile as soft as the sunset as he tucked the lily behind Rui's ear. His fingers lingered on his cheeks for a second too long. Rui caught his fingers, pressing Tsukasa's palm onto his cheek as he kissed it.

"I don't want to die," Tsukasa whispered.

"I won't let you," Rui answered. He leaned into Tsukasa's face and pressed their lips together.

He understood now. He understood why Akito resonated with Kohane's music, why Shizuku wanted to live together with Minori, and why even the thought of leaving Kanade brought Mafuyu to tears.

Rui always thought that the world was cruel. But the simple action from Tsukasa, his Light, made him want to stay in this world together with him.

*****

The city was empty when Rui arrived and immediately he felt dread.

Luka is here.

No no no no no.

Rui ran.

She wasn't supposed to be here. She wasn't supposed to be here!

The inn was empty when he barged in. Not even the sound of the creaking window. The bartender who usually already working on his order, was nowhere to be seen. Rui could feel the darkness coming from upstairs inviting him, challenging him.

Rui ran up and slammed the door open.

There, under the moonlight that shone through the window, Luka stood in the middle of the room. With an unconscious Tsukasa in her arms.

"You really think I would let walk out of our deal that easily?" She smiled at him. "Out of all the Pure Darkness, you were the last person I expected to betray me. I guess all those big talks about hating the world are just for shows."

"Luka..." Rui knew he had the power and yet he felt utterly hopeless under the gaze of Lady Death herself. "Let him go."

"Didn't I tell you?" Luka glanced down at Tsukasa, eyes gleaming with greed. "We need the Pure Light if we ever going to create Utopia."

"But you also need us Pure Darkness."

"That's true. But you'll come." She stepped back, separating Tsukasa from Rui even further. And Rui couldn't even lift a finger. "You will all come. All of you are attached to those Lights. And I'll be taking everything."

A portal appeared as the wind picked up again. Rui could feel the world shift, returning to its original form before being visited by death herself.

And Tsukasa slowly opened his eyes, dazed. He didn't even register that he had been captured. All he knew was that Rui was standing there, just a few feet away from him. "Rui..."

He reached out for him. And Rui snapped as if a freezing spell was finally being lifted from him.

"TSUKASA!" He ran toward the pair, arm stretched to reach his Light. But before he could even graze a finger, Tsukasa was gone.

He's gone.

Tsukasa's gone.

Luka caught him.

He's going to die.

All because of Rui.

"Rui!" He didn't even realize Nene was there, clutching his shoulder and shaking him, because Tsukasa was gone. Luka has Tsukasa. He's gone. Rui couldn't stop her. She's gone with Tsukasa.

"We'll find him." Nene clasped his cheeks, grounding him. "We'll bring Tsukasa back."

Bring Tsukasa back...?

"We'll bring him back." Mizuki knelt beside him, hand on his shoulder. Emu gave him a determined nod. "Not just to stop the end of the world."

Right. They can Tsukasa back.

Rui looked at his hand. A hand that could bring disaster with his magic. But Tsukasa believes that he's a good person, even if his hand is cursed.

Rui would believe him. He clenched his fingers into a fist, feeling Pure Darkness flowing in him.

"Wait for me, Tsukasa…"

[lit-in-thy-heart]

been trying out a new writing technique recently and it's called chilling tf out and reminding myself that fic is written for fun.

[ihhfhonao3]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Garyuu Kyouya | Klavier Gavin/Odoroki Housuke | Apollo Justice, Aoi Daichi | Clay Terran/Odoroki Housuke | Apollo Justice, Aoi Daichi | Clay Terran/Garyuu Kyouya | Klavier Gavin, Aoi Daichi | Clay Terran/Garyuu Kyouya | Klavier Gavin/Odoroki Housuke | Apollo Justice Characters: Garyuu Kyouya | Klavier Gavin, Odoroki Housuke | Apollo Justice, Aoi Daichi | Clay Terran, Kidzuki Kokone | Athena Cykes, Naruhodou Minuki | Trucy Wright Additional Tags: Polyamory, Polyamorous Character, Outer Space, Space Flight, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Comfort/Angst, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Clay Terran Lives, Apollo Justice Needs A Hug, Apollo Justice is Not Fine, Separation Anxiety, Anxiety, Latino Character Summary:

Clay has finally been authorized to go on another space mission! He'll be gone for over a week, being able to do what he loves again, but... what will his boyfriends do without him?

[sysig]

Fandom: Clinical Trial/Damned Rating: Teen and Up Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Angel has been at the institute for all of a day and a half, and has already been placed into the care of a therapist. Their therapist who is definitely going to be completely normal about them. Not weird, not obsessive, not creepily intense. It's too bad they already know that's not the case.

Absolutely my longest fic to date lol. Still in progress, updates Fridays for at least the next while haha

[yeonban]

I was listening to an interview of Gagne's about her sociopathic condition and some of these parts really resonated with Tobias. Like her mentioning she's masking "right now" (during the interview) otherwise she'd be smiling and blinking far less, the story about how as a child she felt a pressure building up in her and when another kid who was sitting next to her annoyed her at the wrong moment she stabbed them and the stabbing made her feel startlingly euphoric, the way she was discussing empathy as something learned from society and intended to gain something from (a dopamine release/good feeling) because she doesn't understand any actions that are done by neurotypicals for no reason, her experience having to mimic her neurotypical sister to fit into society, the relief she felt when she met her husband who didn't shy away from her despite her unburdening herself to him about all of her (the bad, scary & unnerving qualities/actions/etc included)... there are a bunch of differences between her & Tobias' experiences too, obviously, but at least THESE parts were very on the nose. Especially one declaration that stood out to me: "Doing something morally unacceptable was a way to force a pop of color [in my life]" which is exactly why Tobias does anything he does. That pop of color. That derived amusement. The odd joy that follows which is the only thing he can really feel out of the positive cluster of emotions.

[blueberry-beanie]

Berni Wagner, Lustspielhaus München, 14. März 2025

[daughterofsarenrae]

U ever read something so good u immediately have to start over at the beginning