#top 10 things i should probably talk to a therapist about

[sucrecube9]

I think part of the reason I find games like Disco Elysium or Slay the Princess so interesting to me is because my brain has always felt a little fractured like that. Little parts, segments different enough that it's like multiple "people" having a "conversation" but they're still part of one whole, not enough to be seperate beings. They're part of the same idea, the idea of you, but they're still seperate. So close yet so far. They are different pieces in the same puzzle. They are different words in the same sentence. They are all different people with the same face and body and voice and idea of a person. I'm rambling here because it's such a specific feeling that's so clear to me because I can feel it but it's so difficult for me to put into words!

When the Voice of the Hero talks, it's hard to say that's not you/the player in Slay the Princess. It's part of you. A fragment. An echo. But the same can be said of the Voice of the Paranoid, or the Voice of the Smitten! They're all so different, yet they're still part of whatever the hell "you" is!

To end this, I generally have become a really big fan of fiction where you can see the seperated pieces that make up a person, taken apart like a computer you're trying to fix, because for a big part of my life that's how I have felt and I am unsure if there will ever come a day when the parts are put back together into one working machine. Maybe I will have to make do with being dismantled.

[unripe-lemon]

Since i know no one will see this:

1 note and i will email my therapist

ok so for this one,, like since then i have emailed my therapist?? that counts right????? tbh i dont even know what to talk abt anymore, but i do have a session with her so dw

2 notes and ill put my laundry away

ugh….. stupid. internet.. making me do things that will make my life easier…. gugh yeah i put my laundry away!!!!! everyone clap now

5 notes and ill try to brush my teeth more often

ok so like for this one i found this video https://youtu.be/pvutTiPY7q8?si=PASnBmUXZ0xiHzWM imma sing this song to myself every tike i dont feel like brushing my teeth

6 notes and ill try to put on cream for my dermatitis (anxiety hives!!! yayyy!!!!) more often

just did it hehe :) tho it is getting a little worse and my kitten scratched me on top of it 😭

10 notes and ill attempt to learn my timestables

11 notes and ill study for my exams

my exams are over!!!! so idk what to do for this one? maybe ill go do my homework instead

20 notes and ill try to go one day without using my pc/phone

30 notes and ill vaccum (more bc we just adopted kittens) my room entirely

40 notes and ill try to explain my depression to my mom again

50 notes and ill clean my locker out at school

imma do this tmr!!!

i forgot 😭 someone remind me

80 notes and ill fix the posters that are falling off of my wall and are probably going to rip soon

doing this rn! taking dinner break

100 notes and ill REALLY unpack everything with my therapist

maybe tmr?

we talked about medication and kittens, also exams so like success??

200 notes and ill ask my mom if we can go to my go and get! me! medicated!

ill discuss w therapist tmr

discussed with therapist, we are now getting the conversation started with my mom and are going to see what my gp says after that!! :) ty to everyone in the notes rooting for meds

300 notes and ill re organise my bookshelf

400 notes and ill clean all of the mold off of my wall

damn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ion wannaaaaaaaa

this is a weekend activity tbh, and idk if its even going to BE this weekend :P

500 notes and ill clean the mold off of my roof

600 notes and ill try sewing some new clothes

i crocheted a scarf!!! does that count?

700 notes and ill buy some new shoes

800 notes and ill check out dnd club at school (im scared)

900 notes and ill come up with more goals

edit: bro……. 😭

so im gonna take my time w these bc there is a lot to go thru!! i will try my best to remember to update!!! ty for notes :)

- random internet stranger

edit 2: WTF 1000 NOTES GUYS CHILL

ok so like i have to come up with more goals now???

1500 and ill start taking study notes with a study method (rb with study method that is your fav eg cornell method)

1700 and ill attempt to hype myself up enough to eat at school (long story, germs)

2000 notes and ill start whatever book wins this poll:

[fastcardotmp3]

stranger things au where when it's all done, instead of the general fandom usual of NDA's and cover stories, those guys at the NINA Project figure out a way to use that same technology that brought El's memories back to instead wipe the memories of anyone involved in saving the world/ anyone who saw anything abnormal and replace them with the mundane.

It's the only foolproof way to make sure that none of That gets out, to make sure that no one decides to go poking around again 10 years down the line or write a book or a song or a movie that hits a little too closely to the truth, and the government loves themselves something that seems like a foolproof plan.

But what does this mean for our heroes? They don't remember the circumstances that brought them together, only the cover memories that were inserted in their place. They don't remember why they care so deeply for one another because a summer scooping ice cream or a walk through the woods or an-- impromptu game of baseball???-- doesn't quite line up with how it feels.

It feels bigger than that. It feels--

There are explanations for Steve's scars, he remembers a big dog and a trip to the ER, he remembers getting in a car accident and the seat belt coming loose enough to get stuck across his throat instead of his chest. He remembers-- blood on his hands, blood on his clothes, the outline of a man torn half to shreds--

He remembers a bad trip with Robin, but sometimes Robin will say something and it's-- when we got drugged- took those- when we uh, y'know tried LSD that time?-- fuzzy because of the bad trip of it all.

It's easy to accept the truth as the truth, because he remembers. It's easy, for years, to let the truth be the truth, to forget entirely that there are pieces that don't make sense, that there's no reason he should be as close with Dustin Henderson as he is because wait how did we meet? over a missing cat? It's easy, to just let it be true, because the love is there and that's what matters.

The love is there for a year and two and five and ten and Steve's life isn't always easy, in fact he's gone through his fair share of therapists for the insomnia none of them can explain, the confusion that both him and Robin talk about sometimes in the dead of night but can't remember talking about in the morning.

Eddie gets medicated for some sort of psychosis for a while because he had years of these intense night terrors that he could never explain to people, screaming at the top of his lungs, but the minute he would try to tell a shaking and terrified Steve or Robin or Nancy or whoever was present what it had been about he would just sob with frustration because he couldn't remember.

Max has a condition which made her lose her eyesight rapidly as a teenager, who has chronic pain that no doctors have ever found a real cause for despite Steve dragging her to appointment after appointment with fierce protectiveness in his eyes and voice, a desperation that there has to be a reason.

It's easy to accept it as the truth, that they all gravitated towards each other because they're all just a little fucked up in unrelated ways. That they connected to one another because oh you get scared sometimes too? scared like I do? scared like no one else understands?

Lucas starts spontaneously sobbing when some Kate Bush song plays on the radio in 1992. Can't explain it except that it hurts.

Nancy goes to a shooting range and feels her hands go steady for the first time in years in '93. She's never shot a gun before.

El Hopper had a traumatic enough childhood that doctors say she likely won't ever remember all of it, that her brain is protecting her, that-- that's probably true. They're doctors. They know better than Steve, they know about everything except why Max's legs hurt so bad she can't move sometimes.

They know everything except why Eddie can't feel pinned down without having a visceral belief he's dying.

They know everything except why Jonathan swears that their old house used to be painted a different color in the living room.

There are explanations for Steve's scars. He remembers a big dog.

Sharp teeth. Snarling.

He's in his thirties when he kisses Eddie Munson for the first time, because they're fucked in the head in the same ways, because no one else has ever gotten close enough to see the scars and hear the screaming and feel the desperation and not suggested maybe you need bigger help than I can give.

He's a grown man, and it's easy to believe the truth of his past, easy to think that growing older means it's supposed to be a little fuzzy around the edges, and that's okay because this feels bright and clear and technicolor, this thing with Eddie who has run away and come back half a dozen times but always does come back.

Whether he goes to Seattle or LA, New York or Boston; whether he and Steve are in the same place at the same time for more than a couple of weeks, he always comes back, they always find their way back to each other no matter where in the world, except--

Except there.

Everyone left that town with a haste-- or was it one at a time? No, it was the Byers first to California, except-- didn't Will graduate from that school? No. Because El went to school in Chicago at the same time that Robin started college there and she helped Will apply to the Arts Institute and--

And it was Max who went to California-- no, she was from there, but she also-- did she go back?

And why does Steve remember the house he grew up in but the minute he tries to step outside the back door onto the patio in his mind, out by the-- with the blue light and--

"Have you ever been back?" he asks Eddie one day, 32 years old and living in Chicago now full-time together. Robin's just down the road, Nancy's at the Tribune, Argyle has been franchising that coffee shop of his, is opening a spot here in town near his friends who he met when--

"Back where?" Eddie trails his hands through Steve's hair, laying half on top of each other on the couch and listening to some old tape of Jonathan's.

"Where we're from."

Eddie's fingers slow to an almost still and Steve props himself up to watch the way his brow furrows in concentration.

"Why would we go back?" he asks, and Steve has this flash-- like they've had this conversation before.

Like they've talked about where we're from before, although the name of the place never crosses their lips.

"I dunno," Steve slumps into Eddie's chest. They're getting older though so maybe just, "nostalgia?"

"Are you feeling nostalgic?" A rediscovered rhythm to gentle nails across his scalp. Soothing.

"It's where we met," Steve says. It feels true, although when he thinks about it-- "remember? How we met?"

"I..." Eddie's jaw clicks. It does that sometimes, on the same side with the scar.

There are explanations for Eddie's scars too-- a drug deal gone wrong, too many guys with too may knives-- or was it broken beer bottles? They used those as weapons, yeah. Tattered clothes and tattered skin and blood on Steve's hands--

No. He wasn't there. Blood on-- it was Dustin who found him? No. Wait, it was Wayne. Wayne found him, yeah, exactly--

"We met there," Eddie's gripping Steve's hair now, by the root. "We met back there. High school. Do you want to go back?

"Why would we go--"

Steve startles himself with the words, like they just-- like they weren't a choice to say, like they said themselves, like--

"Ed."

Breathing is tight. Steve sits up straight and looks at him. Scars on his face. Eyes so big and deep they hold endless histories--

"Eddie, do you want to go visit-- visit, uh, you know?"

"Why would we--" Eddie claps a hand over his mouth and hums out a sound of frightened discontent. "What. What the fuck."

"How did we meet, again?" Steve swallows. Eddie stands up, paces to the other side of the apartment.

"High school."

"How in high school?"

"Steve, I stopped taking those meds because they didn't help, but this isn't helping me not feel fucking certifiable either--"

"Eddie, I don't remember."

"Okay, so we're getting old!"

"We're not even middle aged!"

Eddie stops where he stands, shakes his head, and Steve watches him because it's easy to watch him, easy to look at the life they've lived and accept that they found each other, fell in love, because no one else gets what it's like to be fucked in the head. To know what's true and still feel wrong in that truth.

To believe it and still get lost in it.

Eddie clenches down on the tremble of his jaw and his eyes go big and imploring.

"What's happening, Stevie?"

There are explanations for all of it, but no one has ever been able to explain Max's pain or Nancy's sharp-shooting or Robin and Steve's inability to get drunk without losing it or the color of the paint in the Byers' old living room in that fucking town that Steve can't even think the name of--

"I'm calling Robin," he says, already striding across the floor. "I want to go back."

There are explanations.

Maybe that's not good enough anymore.

[unyandere]

Yandere killer x reader who is a Theatre Kid and CAN’T stop making musical references every two seconds

Tw: Theatre kid behaviour (I should know, I’m a theatre kid) songs from Hamilton, Epic:the musical, Six, Heaters, Ride the Ciclone (and maybe other musicals) mention

Maybe some musical references here and there but nothing too big

Other Tw: probably cringy, I feel bad for the Yandere, LOTS of bad English, oh dear you are not ready for this musicals references (I am not tagging the musicals fandoms, I feel like my silly goofiness is too overwhelming today)

Wanna read more unyandered works? Here’s the master post

You shot your photo aaaand… posted!

Now that you thought about it, this was your first post on insta, and it was a photo of you smiling in the theatre awaiting to see the play that would’ve started in just a few moments.

You almost couldn’t contain your excitement, buying the ticket had been a real struggle, but finally you would have been able to see THAT musical.

You were mumbling some of the songs from the musical you heard on Spotify, while trying to calm yourself down.

After a couple of seconds you heard a ping, a notification, from your phone.

The show would have started in less than 10 minutes, but looking at a notification wouldn’t take more than a couple of seconds.

Well, looking at the phone you noticed it was just your childhood friend liking your post.

You smiled at yourself.

On the other hand, your so called childhood friend was… well, he was certainly not well.

Tied up to a chair, beaten up and, oh lord, were those burn marks on his head?!

Yeah, he wasn’t exactly at his best.

But the guy in the same room as him, who, oh so casually, was smoking a cigarette, that so casually happened to be the cause of the burn marks, was someone that could be considered physically well, mentally… let’s just say his therapist had to see another therapist who also needed to see another therapist after that and so on.

The cigarette-smoking-guy was also in a good mood!

Talk about being lucky…

Why? Well, he just found that his muse, his everything, his sweetheart (who didn’t even know him but those are just flimsy details, aren’t they?) was pretty close to where he and his victim were and, on top of that, was oh so cutely looking at a play.

He didn’t really like plays, but if his sweetheart, his everything, his muse liked them… well he could stand to lose a few pounds hours.

Maybe… just maybe… after this job (extorting vital info for a particular company from your friend) (he was really keen on making your friend either disappear or become his accomplice in making you fall in love with himself), he could wash himself, dress up nicely and, maybe, meet you outside the theatre.

And, who knows, maybe he could… dine with you? Oh, how his mind rode off thinking of all the things you two could do together.

It took him ten minutes to recompose himself, ten minutes that he could have used to finish this job earlier.

He almost got angry with himself, but he stopped before: he didn’t have the time for that.

And so he looked at your friend.

“Sooo… how about you tell me those little secrets of yours, then you help me out with this one little-itty-bitty really legal thing and then, on an incredible note, I let you live?” He asked smiling at your friend.

Your friend sighed.

Three hours later you went out of the theatre, feeling refreshed and happy after seeing the whole play.

You knew you would sing those songs in repeat for the next three weeks.

But, as soon as you were outside you saw your childhood friend with… a guy in a black trench that looked like the outlet version of JD from Heaters.

Obviously, you went to your friend to greet them and tell them what a GREAT show you saw and give them a preview on how you would annoy them for the coming weeks.

They looked at you smiled (kinda forcefully?) and introduced to you their new friend telling you that “They were also musicals fans”.

To be honest, that was in no way true, he, the killer and kinda kidnapper on demand, hadn’t seen A musical in his whole life, he just knew some of the most famous titles.

But he did ask your friend to introduce him in a way you would want to talk to him.

And BOY DID THAT WORK.

You grabbed his wrist, your happy-neutral expression becoming more and more crazed-happy the more seconds passed.

“You..” you looked at him, eyes shining “You like musicals?!”

He slowly nodded (he was in an emotion between the most extreme happiness one can feel, the most fear one can feel and the most in love one can feel).

You stopped breathing for a moment.

“OMG! WHATSYOURFAVOURITEMUSICAL?WHATDOYOUSING?YOULOOKLIKEABASSBUTYAKNOWIDONTLIKETOMAKEASSUMPTIONS…DIDYOUSEETHISPLAY?DIDYOULIKETHELASTSONG?IDIDNTREALLYLIKEHOWTHEYEXCLUDEDTHECHORUSBUTICANUNDERSTANDTHESTORYREASONBEHINDITIMEANITOBVIOUSLYISAMETAPHORABOUTTHEPROTAGONISTBEINGABLETOBETHEMSELVESALONEWITHOUTTHENEEDOFANYONETELLINGTHEMWHATTHEYHAVETOBETOBEHAPPYBUTWHATDIDYOUTHINKABOUTTHISDECISION?” You asked, not so calmly.

He didn’t process the question, more precisely, while trying to understand what you were saying his brain went into overload, caused a crisis and collapsed on itself leaving him with one thought: her face was really cute.

“I like your head” he said, not being able to form a decent phrase.

You obviously took the reference (which technically wasn’t there) and laughed.

“Man, you Henry the VIII?” You joked.

He didn’t understand the joke, and neither did he remember anything about Henry the VIII apart from him being called the “Golden Prince” or something, so he thought you were looking at him and complimenting him on his looks.

And he totally had to return a compliment.

But then another person, a girl you knew from drama class, chimed in wanting to ask your thoughts on the play but she was stopped by him (who misinterpreted her wanting to come to you as her trying to attack you)

“Yo, you got a bone to pick?!” He asked her.

You and her looked at each other, then him, then each other again and you both, being both theatre kids obviously, smiled devishly.

“You’ve come so far why now are you pulling on my dick? I’d normally slap your face off, and everyone here could watch, but here’s some advice listen up” you both sang and then took a (extremely melodramatic) breath “BEEYOTCH”

And, yes, you both started little dancing together the choreography.

Nit doing it too much (cuz you know you were still in public) but doing it enough for your friend and mr. Killer and kidnapper on demand to see.

And he… he was confused.

What the hell did you two just do? Why did you two sing? Why were you both moving your hips? What did he say that made you two act like that.

“Why Lord-“ he started but as soon as he said that you two stopped looked at each other and attempted the last part of “The ballad of Jane Doe” (the part with the Why Lord) even though none of you were a soprano so what people heard were two chicken like voices schreeching and hurting everyone’s ears.

And now, now he was regretting his life choices, as he was cursing the fact that he was in love with you and not with, idk, a mentally stable and not socially awkward person.

“You are the-“ before he could even finish the sentence you two chances song, almost reading in each other’s mind with the typical telepathy ability that all theatre kids have once they sell their soul to the devil in exchange for the part they want to be casted as.

“-WORST KIND OF GOOD CAUSE YOU ARE NOT EVEN GREAT! A GREEK WHO REEKS OF FALSE RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT’S WHAT I HATE!!!” You and your drama class classmate sang as one voice as you both exchanged really full of pride stares to one another.

“I-I’m sorry” mumbled the Yandere “I will go to work”

And as soon as he said the word WORK, an ancient almost primal instinct woken up inside you and your classmate.

And you both started singing “The schuyler sisters” from Hamilton

And so, the Yandere pining over you just, quietly, walked away.

Traumatized and comforted by your friend who was also put at discomfort by your… peculiar antics.

[platonically-loving-alastor]

Hazbin Top 5

I was going to make a top 10 character list, but realized after the first 5 I didn't know where to place anyone- But in case you're curious, some contenders for the remaining 6-10, in no specific order, were Angel Dust, Charlie, Emily, Niffty, and Sir Pentious. Now here's my top 5 with reasonings and appreciation for them all!

5. Lucifer

Obviously bro is relatable, not only for his awkwardness and hyperfixations, but he also happens to be the same height as I am at about 5'2" (according to the sources I've seen). Being the same height as Lucifer is my biggest flex lmao- I still have no idea why his hatred of Alastor seemed so instant. Like yeah, Alastor was trying to annoy him by being a better dad to Charlie, but the whole 'fuck you' moment happened before any of that started. Did he just sense the bad vibes off of him or what? Anyway, his awkwardness and desperation to connect with his daughter make for probably my favorite lines of the episode, such as the "Hey bitch!" and the whole "You like girls? So do I!" situation followed by him being so distracted he called Vaggie by the wrong name. Perfect comedy

4. Lute

I love her an insane amount for someone who shows up so relatively little with so few lines, but here we are. I've already made an entire post about her, here it is if you want it, so I'll keep this short (Spoiler alert: I failed). I actually don't think I mentioned just how attractive this woman is, so let's get that out there right now. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, about half the people I've seen react to Episode 6 have seen Lute without her mask, took a pause of recognition, and we all knew what they were thinking before the pressed play. Istg my taste in women (and sometimes even men, thanks Vox) is just "Can they murder me without a second thought? Yes? That's hot". My favorite line of hers is when she's hyping up the army with Adam and says "Rip Vaggie's cunt mouth out her ass!" and even Adam has to be like "damn girl chill what the hell-" She's so feral I love her so much

3. Rosie

Everyone needs a Rosie in their lives. I don't just mean a regular therapist, I mean a person in your life, friend or family member, who will talk you out of your downward spiral and gently call you out on why those paranoid thoughts are actually pretty unrealistic (the other side of the same coin would be Husk, he's just more blunt about it). I'm also still completely convinced she has some interesting and sad backstory based on how she was talking to Charlie and I need to know about it so bad. "It can be difficult to admit to things you're not proud of, especially if those things hurt the ones you love" Ma'am what did you do? I find it hard to believe it's just about the cannibalism. I don't know if in this instance, she's the one who hurt someone or someone else hurt her and she was the one who failed to forgive them, but either way I need answers.

2. Vox

Y'all know I love this man in more ways than one, he one the hottest Hazbin character poll for a reason. But I swear everything about this man makes me love him as a character more. First, I always love a technology based character, his electricity powers and literal screen head are the coolest thing in the world to me. He's voiced by Christian Borle, which was a fantastic choice, along with the glitched effect his voice gets when he's mad, I love to see it. Apparently it's also canon he can fly (with rocket shoes)?? He just keeps getting the best character design choices possible, this can't possibly be fair- The fact his first introduction was being done with Val, telling him to call tf down, and treating him like a child ("Now that's why they pay you the big bucks!") was a pretty good first impression for me lol, made even funnier when it was followed by him losing all sense of rationalism when Alastor entered his line of sight.

1. Alastor

The character my blog is named after, this should not be a surprise. Shockingly enough, despite my obsession for him and acknowledgement of his charming nature and generally attractive design, I' do not simp for him in the slightest'm not personally attracted to him in the slightest. I simp for a TV and yet apparently deer man with permanent smile is where I draw the line idk- The most I want from him is to be as good of a friend to him as Rosie is (well that and to touch his ears but that's a given). But this is another character I love literally everything about. Who would've thought the concepts of 'radio host', 'serial killer', and 'literal deer' would work so well together to create this dapper yet terrifying fucking cryptid. Not only can he be either incredibly scary or a silly guy, he can and has done both at once. Example: Episode 3 when he's just casually eating a deer carcass in his room (in which he summoned a whole ass bayou). I was genuinely so glad when the 'this face was made for radio' thing happened in episode 1, confirming that they were still gonna lean into his creepy-as-fuck distortion and general vibe he had in the pilot. He's horrifying and evil and I love that about him. Meanwhile he also says shit like "Now he's pissy, that's the tea" (definitely taught to him by Rosie) and kicks his legs on the bed like a schoolgirl as if he hasn't committed countless atrocities. My favorite character, everyone-

Wow I wrote more than I meant to for this, sorry about the essay-

[dragonmarquise]

I had a small idea pop into my head, which crew would be best at taking care of a living thing?(Human, plant, animal) If you ask me, I feel like dot.exe would be awesome! Especially with the two old people on their team!

Ooo, a neat idea! I think overall it would be the Franks since I already imagine all of them having health/medical related day jobs, and being very good at said jobs.

With other crews it's more different on a individual basis, at least based on my headcanons. A few things were mentioned on my big DOT EXE post, but can’t hurt to go over those bits again here.

(Also! I meant to post this yesterday but had some weirdly severe computer problems last night, sorry e_e; )

Starting off with DOT EXE since I probably have a bit more to say about them together than the other characters separately. Again, some of this is already mentioned in the Big DE Post, but will be brought up again here with more details:

Jūrō (the 10-ball member of DOT EXE in my headcanons) does gardening as a hobby! There’s a community greenhouse on top of the mall that he helps out with a lot. Heck, he’s practically the manager of it at this point. The other DOT EXE members help him out sometimes, mostly Cinco (5-ball), Neun (9-ball), and Quatorze (14-ball).

Jūrō, Quatorze, and Cinco are all great with kids! The grandpa, grandma, and uncle respectively who spoil the children, lol. Quatorze and Jūrō have grandkids, but haven’t seen them since being cut off by their own kids due to going full-cyber (see the big DOT EXE post for more details on why exactly. Meanwhile, Cinco was effectively ex-communicated by most of the family once it came out that he was going full-cyber, though he’s still in contact with some of his nieces and nephews in secret.

Cueball loves cats but wasn’t able to keep any before going full-cyber due to allergies. As mentioned in the Big Post, at one point he started hoarding cats before the rest of DOT EXE staged an intervention and got the cats into good shelters and homes. Cueball now volunteers at a lot of those shelters instead.

Okay now headcanon mixed with shipping: If Cueball and Bō (blond Devil Theory OC of mine) get to move in together, Cueball manages to convince him that they should adopt some cats! Cueball at first was aiming for 7, but gets (thankfully) talking down to just 3. They're all black cat siblings, named Pumpkin, Sapphire, and Clover (named for the color of their eyes: orange, blue, and green respectively).

And now for other characters:

As mentioned on my Solace post, he doesn’t have any pets but likes to feed any cats and birds he comes across. An addition to that: If he finds a cat or bird that’s hurt, he takes it to a vet to be properly taken care of. Mostly because Solace feels he’s too clumsy to give first aid to an animal, no matter how careful he is.

I feel like at least one of the Franks has a dog, I just haven’t decided which one. Maybe Bill (the spring palette, also the one who joins BRC in my headcanons). Takes good care of the good boy! The dog is probably a doberman-ish dog like the NPCs dogs in the game seem to be. Also the dog is named Hook. It’s in reference to the basketball throw known as a hook shot. :P

And then like I said earlier, the Franks in general have jobs related to medical/health stuff. Just haven’t decided which member has which job, whoops. But anyways, they’re all good at what they do! The jobs in question: physical therapist, aide at a senior home, nurse at a small clinic, physical education teacher/coach for a school basketball team.

Nunchaku (Devil Theory OC for the summer palette) has always wanted something like a tarantula or a snake as a pet. More shipping plus headcanons here: Once she moves in with Vinyl, they do get the tarantula and snake! Named Rosemary and Lavender respectively. Also a centipede named Paprika and two geckos named Cinnamon and Nutmeg. They are all very happy and healthy, though Bō politely refuses to visit their apartment because of Rosemary and Paprika, while DJ Cyber refuses to visit because of the reptiles, lol

On that note! DJ Cyber is a big fan of bugs, but not so much reptiles. He’s had many beetles as pets (they live for about a year or half a year at most, from what I understand). His current one is a Hercules beetle… named Hercules. He isn’t exactly the best at coming up with names obviously. :P But yeah, takes good care of his pets and will ramble about insect facts if you let him!

Bel had a pet rabbit as a kid they she took really good care of! She wants to get another one as an adult, but doesn’t like the idea of leaving it alone in her apartment for long periods while she’s out and about. Besides leaving the poor thing lonely, she’s also afraid of it being an escape artist like her old pet was.

Almost forgot from my big Devil Theory post, they have two hermit crabs as team pets in their hideout! I didn’t mention it there, but they are named Saburo and Jiro, after the crab monsters from Okami. Visitors to DT’s hideout get a chance to paint a shell for the crabs to pick later. Obviously it’s a great honor to get your shell picked!!

Cassiopeia (leader of Eclipse, the winter palette) has an Abyssian cat named Bastet, who likes to creep people out by staring at them for uncomfortably long periods of time. Has a habit of stealing charms and keychains from people’s phones, bags, bracelets, etc. Bastet hangs out in Cassiopeia’s shop while she’s working, or otherwise in her apartment above the shop while she’s out. Bastet has her own room btw! Also she refuses to let anyone but Cassiopeia pet her (Cueball has learned this the hard way. Several times, lol)

Cassiopeia also has a whole rooftop garden full of plants she uses for the herbs and spices she sells in part of her store. Part of the garden is also a personal vegetable and berry garden for herself (occasionally gifting some of the food she doesn’t need to the other Eclipse members). The plants are surprisingly big, not to mention the quality of the herbs and food are amazing! Some people try to ask her what’s her secret with gardening, but she refuses to tell anyone outside of the other Eclipse members.

Quantum (winter palette for FUTURISM) has attempted to care for pets over the years, but hasn’t been very good at it. Mostly she just gets overwhelmed with caring for another living being while busy with school/work/etc. On the bright side, she makes sure to get the animals to better homes or at least a shelter instead of trying to insist she can handle it. At this point, the closest thing she has to a pet is a rubber duck she named Niels, who helps her via rubber duck debugging!

I think that’s about all I have for caring-for-living-things headcanons. This was a neat one to go over! :>

[rainbow-fairylandsystem]

just some life updates, for my lovely followers and mutuals that still keep up with me! it's very long, a lot has happened in a very short amount of time (all of this happened from mid-september-now)

!!!TMI warning!!! i had to get a pap smear done, and it went very poorly. i know i've had a pap smear done before and i realized during the procedure that it's a complete blank spot in my memory (probably because it was so painful and traumatic). the procedure this time around was extremely painful, probably the most painful thing i've experienced. my therapist says the fact that i still remember the procedure is an amazing sign of progress, even if it doesn't feel like it

my brother broke up with his girlfriend. which doesn't sound like a huge deal, but those two had been dating for 10 years. she and i weren't particularly close, but she was the only one in our family that ever recognized how he treated me. she was kind of like... a buffer between me and him because she always told him to leave me alone. i'm very happy that she left the relationship, i'm sure it wasn't healthy, but it's left me more of a target for him than ever. so going home is a bit of a nightmare

i had a long talk with my mom about mental health when i went home for Thanksgiving, and i've realized that i don't want an apology from her. she's not emotionally intelligent to give me an apology that actually means anything, because she can never understand the damage that she's done to me. i don't want an apology, i just want her to understand

after getting home from thanksgiving, i got my identity stolen (and this was 2 weeks after my credit and debit cards were stolen and had to be replaced). someone in my system that doesn't understand identity security gave away a lot of information that they shouldn't have, and scammers ended up opening a credit card under my personal information. luckily we were able to get the card shut down before they spent anything, but it took 4 days of Vex (our financial organizer) tracking down the card and sitting on hold with a dozen banks and making sure our credit was frozen afterwards. our info is out there forever now, all due to this stupid illness

then, a day after Vex finished solving this, a friend that i've been trying to talk to while maintaining boundaries/distance sprung a very stressful emotional conversation of me, which i've asked her not to do multiple times. so i had to restate my boundaries again, which i was not in the headspace to do at the time

then, on top of all that, i'm going home in less than a week to stay with my family for a week to celebrate Christmas

Because of all the stress, I'm currently very ill. I have GERD and Barrett's esophogus, which is an illness that flares up during times of stress. I'm on a lot of medication at the moment to keep it at bay, but i apparently got so stressed that the symptoms totally overrode the medication. it caused me to be unable to sing for almost 2 weeks (which as a vocal teacher, adds even more stress) and I was pretty much unable to eat or drink anything without getting ill. I'm starting to feel a little better, but all my doctors said i should consider taking some time off work to get my personal stress levels under control

[justagalwhowrites]

hello love!

I hope you’re doing amazing and taking care of yourself I wanted to ask you since we gotta till 2025 for season 2 of TLOU I don’t know what to watch in the meantime so what shows or movies do you like or recommend???

OMG hi lovely!

I'm doing great thank you so much for asking! I hope you are, too!!

I haven't been watching much lately, I've been spending basically all my downtime writing lol BUT here's some stuff that I've generally enjoyed over the past few (maybe 10?) years!

Shows:

The Sopranos - Watched this right at the start of the pandemic and almost immediately saw why it was considered one of the best TV shows ever made. The idea of a mob boss going to a therapist? 10/10, fabulous. (HBO/Max)

The Newsroom - I'm a former journalist and lover of Aaron Sorkin so this show was addictive for me. Give me a good walk and talk dialogue sequence any day. Season one is far and away the best but the other two ain't bad. (HBO/Max)

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - This show was CRIMINALLY underrated. Several new musical numbers every episode, the writing is so damn brilliant it should be taught in school if it's not already. It also tackles mental health beautifully and is hilarious without being overly silly. (Netflix)

Fleabag - Brilliant, insightful, funny and heartbreaking all at once. Phoebe Waller Bridge is a genius. The worst thing about it is that it's so damn short. (Amazon)

Andor - Probably the best Star Wars series so far (SORRY MANDO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH) the storytelling and character work here is so damn good. If you haven't seen it yet, make it a priority. (Disney+)

Movies:

Baby Driver - A love letter to what you can do with sound in film, it's got so much to enjoy. Great performances, editing that's pure genius, excellent storytelling with fun action and a great script. Watch it if you haven't!

500 Days of Summer - in my opinion, this is the best "romantic comedy" (not sure it can REALLY be called that) since When Harry Met Sally. A really critical look at what it means to put the idea of someone over the actual person, it's funny and insightful while making its point.

Promising Young Woman - It's dark and funny and truthful and cathartic all at once. It's a movie length middle finger to the patriarchy and I'm all about it.

Knives Out - Everyone's probably already seen this but the fact that Daniel Craig plays a southern gay detective and is having the time of his life now that he's free of James Bond, it brings me so much joy. The mystery is great, the performances are top tier, it's damn near flawless. Will watch at any time. (Adjacent recommendation: Logan Lucky, a heist movie with a bunch of rednecks robbing a NASCAR race including Daniel Craig debuting his kooky southern drawl. Super fun!)

Nightcrawler - This was one that was super underrated (even though it was up for Best Original Screenplay at the oscars), a noir psychological thriller about a stringer who shoots video freelance for local TV stations. The appetite for bloody content pushes him further than you would expect. It's dark but so well done!

These might be a bit all over the map but hopefully there's some stuff here you've never seen and it's helpful!

Thank you for asking and for being here! Love you!

[spirituallyyellow]

7/6/14

Yesterday my day was 90% awesome, and 10% fine, so I came home and had intrusive thoughts for ages, cried, and wished I was dead.

Don't worry - it doesn't make any sense to me, either.

I woke up at 6:45 this morning to the kids fighting, asked N to stay home with me for the day, wasn't surprised when he said he couldn't, and then I looked up finance stuff for going back to uni, got bad news, tried to pray about it, thought about D&D last night, and then fell asleep until noon.

Got up and made spicy egg rice.

I have so many things I really need to do today but I already know that I will achieve none of them because I'm fucking useless and shit.

I can tell I'm starting to wear people down. I knew, I fucking knew, that people want to feel like they can rescue me from depression, so there's a big song and dance about let's talk, how are you really doing, I care about you, blah blah blah, it lasts for maybe two months tops and then people are done. They are ready for me to be better. And when I'm not, it becomes a problem I'm choosing to have. The blame starts, and it is subtle, and probably unintentional, but it starts. Are you trying this, have you done that, have you considered, if you don't want to get better you can't, ultimately it's down to you LIKE I DON'T FUCKING ALREADY KNOW THAT.

I am not choosing to wake up and feel like I and everyone around me would be better off if I was dead. I am not choosing to feel like a totally useless sack of shit. It just happens, and I have to choose my battles. I can battle through it for work, I can push it to the side when I have to parent, and then I AM DONE. I've used it all up. Any of the supposed strength people are always telling me I have, it is absolutely sapped by the time I've done what I have to do, so when I look at tasks like editing my dissertation, or cleaning my house, or thinking more than fifteen minutes into the future, there just isn't the energy there to do it. The only thing I can do is hate myself for feeling like this and when people start subtly shifting blame to me, all it does is reinforce the way I already felt.

I wish people would just leave me be. I wish I would stop reaching out, I wish I would stop being taken in by those lies that people will care and help and whatever fucking else. There is ALWAYS an expiration date. I should know better by now. Even my fucking therapist is jumping to, "well but you survived being so sick, that must mean you want to live" and I have rarely ever felt so completely alone as when she said that.

I don't even know what to fucking do anymore.

[disheveledorganization]

intro

contacted a second divorce lawyer today. the first one never responded, so i'm hoping to at least hear back from this one.

i'm putting this post (and if any others i might make) under a cut because i don't want them reblogged and i don't want them saved if i should decided to delete them later on. hopefully that's a thing still.

i want to say that i'm not sure how my marriage got to this point, but i do know. communication breakdown! reaching out for connection and being rejected! lying! drinking! and the icing on that cake: financial infidelity.

my soon to be ex-husband has at minimum $15k in cc debt that i didn't know about, and probably more. like there's a strong possibility that he ran up some ccs (and then paid them off?) without me knowing. and to pile more shit on top of shit, he (his business - an s corp) owes the irs like $300k. i had a full blown panic attack when i found out. and i only found out because the irs sent a certified letter to the house. this has been going on for years and i had no idea. and i can't get a straight answer out of him. first he said the irs thing had been going on for 3 months, then he said 3 years.

we have children, pets, a house, and i haven't worked in more than a decade because i've been homeschooling our kids.

(please, before anyone says anything about homeschooling freaks, i have trans kids with autism, adhd, severe depression, among some minor physical issues that call for regular doctor appts out of town, so. public school would be a dumpster fire.)

i'm currently taking college courses in the hopes of some sort of career. no, idk how i'll homeschool my kids and work. but i'll figure it out. i have the support of my parents and sister. and an extended family who will be there for me. and my friends.

i've told him i want a divorce. he said he's been expecting it for 10 years. blew my mind. he said he wants me to keep homeschooling the kids. that he'll move out of the house. that he'll keep paying bills. but then he hasn't really talked to me about it since then. i'm hoping for a collaborative divorce where we work through it while keeping the kids our priority. i don't want this to get messy.

yes, i'm in therapy. i started going because of my severe anxiety and depression, but i'll continue seeing my therapist through this and beyond. yes, my kids are in therapy. i thought it might be good for them to form a relationship with a therapist before the shit hits the fan.

and, just to be clear, the $ isn't the only reason for this divorce. i've tried everything, even couples counseling, which he stopped attending. he started pulling away from me about 10 years ago, which is odd to think about when he says that's when he started expecting me to leave him. and he does things sometimes that just...... he lied and told my youngest that i'd taken his sister to the emergency room because she was much sicker than we originally thought (i'd taken her to cvs for cold meds). this was his idea of a joke. my child was frightened and shocked, and he insisted it was 'just a joke' over and over.

he is not physically abusive. i'm not afraid of him. and i honestly believe that he cares about and loves the kids. he's just emotionally stunted and refuses help.

this got long. hopefully any updates will be shorter.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3374

i woke up today at like 10:26 feeling great! catalogued how i felt and immediately fell back asleep.

woke up around 11:something to a phone call, which was from my therapist, so i woke up for that. talked to her about the con plague i'm suffering from as well as a friend i need to set boundaries with. she helped me think about the situation and equipped me with knowledge i did not previously have so i can do a better job when i need to reinforce those boundaries i once set a while ago. but so far, im okay.

unfortunately, when i got up out of bed i did not feel as good as i thought i did. but i did shower today, which was beneficial. helps to be clean.

i gotta wash some laundry tomorrow. my comfy stuff is dirty.

anyway, i had soup for lunch and came back upstairs and napped for a while. i've been trying to tell my mom to stop doing things and to actually rest, because she's sick, but she hasn't been listening to me a lot and is doing stuff anyway. so i think today she finally caved. she was supposed to go to the dentist thursday. she called and told them, and they rescheduled for her. she napped today. she's the type of person to power through an illness and by doing so makes it last six times longer than it should. so i'm trying to get her to stay down for more than a day or two because getting better is not something you can simply will your body to do when you have an autoimmune deficiency. lady's got lupus for god's sake. just stop, ma. stop. go back to bed. sleep. she doesn't sleep well, either, so that sucks too.

the good news is that i see what she's doing even though nobody else does. and i know what she needs to be doing because i'm 31 years old and basically have her immune system, plus i've been around her for three decades. so like, mom. you gotta stop running yourself into the ground. you'll get sickER, and then you'll STAY sick. which is the last thing you want. she hates being sick but she gets sick and stays sick for a long time because of her habits.

but i'm pushy with her when she gets sick. "go back to bed. now." "call the dentist and reschedule. they're not gonna wanna see you if you're sick." "get someone else to take her. you're SICK." constantly reminding her that she is, in fact, sick is something that she needs because she says shit like "i'll be better tomorrow morning," or "i'll be better in two days."

yes manifesting is one thing and the power of will of a human is another thing, but healing from illnesses is something entirely different. dad gave you a blessing? okay, so are you gonna help yourself by going to the doctor, or are you gonna rely on sky daddy to fix it?

so that's what i've been dealing with on top of trying to feel better.

my sister is also sick. but mom got sick before i came home, so i didn't give con plague to her. i probably gave it to my sister, though, even though she avoided me. her symptoms sound like mine. but i have health insurance. it's too risky in this country to not have health insurance. i hate this place. i'm gonna fuckin file for medicaid for the two of them. they need insurance. if something happens to james, then what, huh?? goddamn.

i may be reckless and a dumbass, but i have the sense to have health insurance to help me take care of the consequences of my dumbassery.

sigh. didn't really mean for this to turn into a rant about health.

but seriously, guys. whoever is reading this, make sure you've got health insurance and that you take steps to help yourself. if you live in the US, it's FAR too dangerous to live without insurance. medicaid is low-cost or doesn't cost you a dime. you can get doctors appointments, dentistry, glasses, specialists, physical therapy, and mental health therapy, along with medications to help you if something ever does happen. local state governments have their own applications, but if you search on the page for the department of health and human services (DHHS), you should be able to find links and stuff to access it.

if you don't qualify for medicaid because you make too much, the healthcare marketplace will often give discounts so insurance is only $10 a month or something. it really depends. i have to fix my application tomorrow because my medicaid ended today. having both was a good cover just in case it got ended because of my new job, but now that it's just the one, i gotta change it and hopefully they'll change my monthly premium.

anyway.

get health insurance!!

for those who live in single-payer systems, what is your favorite part about it? besides the fact that you don't have to ridiculous bullshit of american insurance lmao

also yeah, i still feel shitty. not as shitty as before, but still not great. my head is still fuzzy and thinking is hard. which isn't fun. but i'll be taking mucinex sinus day stuff with me so i can take it and function at work when i go in on wednesday. i can't afford to not go in. womp womp.

anyway. i didn't get to talk to joel today, but that's mostly because i was completely out of it for like 80% of the day.

and my hair is weird so i need to get it fixed but i don't want to cut it because i want to grow it out again, but i hate leaving it this awkward length. bleh.

i could use a thousand-dollar trip to the mall or barnes and noble. or both. they're right across the street from each other anyway.

[alvie-pines]

i know they say 'dont trust anything you feel about your life after 10 pm' or whatever but man. i just had to schedule a post begging for donations so i can maybe hopefully afford top surgery within the four-year period where i might have a chance to get it legally (as im going to college in connecticut but will probably come back to missouri and/or kansas for my masters degree) because things are...

im not gonna lie, things are bad.

im disabled and i cant work. i TRIED! i fucking tried. but even working part time for a few months last summer was miserable and has made my disability worse in the following year. i was taking the max dose of otc painkillers almost every day and still ending my shifts in tears. i had to spent most of my free time just fucking recovering. and in the end, it made my pain worse to the point where i couldnt function without a mobility aid. i cant walk or stand for long periods of time, i cant bend down, i cant carry heavy things, and i need my cane when walking around more often than not, which means i only have one free hand. i literally cannot do the things most entry-level jobs require. and my schedule isnt very free because i have a ton of doctors appointments, courtesy of my grandparents, to try to fix it.

and my academics are in fucking shambles. i had a mental breakdown last semester and had to drop two classes, take incompletes on the others. the two incomplete classes arent going well. im off my adhd meds and mentally unstable, having small mental breakdowns and panic attacks frequently, plus trying to keep up with my medical stuff and taking all my medications and also trying to balance it all with my chronic pain which is fucking distracting, constantly. and my ASL professor, who i need to instruct me, has not been able to meet over the summer, so im kind of lost on my own. no fault of hers, she has a lot going on. oh, and im also taking an exam which covers several subjects i was not in class for, so yippee! i dont have confidence that i will end this semester with anything close to passable grades. and i NEED to go back. for so many reasons. i need to get away from my mom, i need to be in a blue state where its safer for me, i need a degree so i can find work that i can do.

im also going through the horrible process of... well... processing the fact that my mom was abusive, and the extent of it. i feel like shit, i feel so fucking destabilized. i try to act normal but i am BARELY holding it together here, and the worst part is that i dont think theres much my therapist can do right now except help me talk through what im thinking and feeling--this is something i have to go through. i know it is, and yet i hate it.

and the worst part is, my grandparents are trying to support me, and theyre wonderful, so i feel like i should be doing better than i am. but i just cant. i cant do it. im falling apart.

[sleepystudying]

I really just need to rant and I don't have anyone I can talk to so just ignore this if you don't care. I haven't been able to go to therapy for about 10 weeks because of my new school schedule/my therapist leaving her practice and no longer accepting insurance. At first I still felt fine, but then my medicine got switched to generic which I did not think would be a big deal but I've been kind of hypomanic? Whatever, still chugging. Then I just end up self-medicating because all of these issues come back and I can't sleep because of nightmares (I have C-PTSD and I acknowledge that instead of handling it, I've been avoiding it). It's just been one thing on top of the other and I'm working from home right now and I just don't have a good schedule/routine down, which is something that I really need to thrive.

I want to do a complete lifestyle change, but I'm not even sure where to start? I want to exercise and eat better. I absolutely need to quit self-medicating. Maybe putting this out there on the internet will make me hold myself more accountable, idk. I lost 80 pounds and gained back 40, so far I've lost about 10 pounds of that which I've gained back. It's just so disheartening. I feel defeated every single day because I just have so many ongoing battles. I have at least gotten myself to start drinking lots of water and back off on the caffeine, but otherwise I cannot consistently work out or any of the other things I want to do. I know I'm probably pushing myself to do more than I should at once but, I'm stuck and also desperate.

[actualtext]

Dec 10, 2022

Reflection 2

1. What is going on inside your head right now?

I feel really accomplished because I worked all night and was able to make like $400 which got me only $100 away from my goal. I worked so hard because I wanted to take Saturday off to spend at a friends birthday. I'm gonna try to make the last $100 on Sunday. :)

2. What negative emotion keeps cropping up the most lately?

I've been talking to friends about different things and have made a few realizations after being asked "have you mentioned this to your therapist?"

first, I think I have an issue pretending that things are okay when it comes to authority figures. I've done this since I can remember. I think it started when I was young and didn't want to stress my mom out. It went on even at doctors appointments where I would pretend my reflexes were perfect by purposely kicking my leg out when the doctor hit my knee with their tool. I got caught once and never did it again. Once I was in a study where I had to take medicine for diabetes and I didn't like the size of the medicine or how the medicine made me feel but instead of telling the doctors, I would flush them down the toilet and try really hard to control my blood sugar. I was 11 and didn't quite know how important the study was. Ultimately I came out with the truth because they called me out on my glucose log. I wanna think that I've been genuinely happy to meet with you (because I am genuinely excited to finally be able to talk to a therapist), but after reflecting, I'm worried I might be masking, we have only had three sessions so it might just be that it's too early, but this was a concern of mine.

second, I told my friend that I have felt like I'm stuck in the past. Not so much like on the outside but I feel like I got stuck where I was mentally as a young adult. I don't feel like my life is progressing like it should. Sometimes I feel angry that I didn't get to experience certain things that young people get to experience cause we were homeless. Other times I feel angry that I'm not as "grown" as I feel like I should be at my age. Like... why am I still wearing vans other than I like them, I'm used to them, and I can finally afford them as an independent person? I feel like they're very youthful. I worry I might be stuck dressing like a teenager or worse, reacting like one.

third, I'm angry that my aunt is unsure that I was sexually assaulted. I'm angry she's using her religious beliefs as a reason to be neutral. It hurts me so bad because I'm not asking her to take any specific actions, I just want her to genuinely understand why I'm feeling the way I am. I'm also envious that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. That she can go on planning for Christmas and I'm just kind of stuck in the same anxiety inducing position of having to tell her I'm not going to the family gathering if there's even a slight chance my cousin wj be there. A part of me doesn't want to go also because of the first part of "third". I don't feel loved like I used to because she doesn't believe me.

3. What has made you the happiest lately?

getting back on the grind, making money, being able to buy things for myself and for others cause i can. Having what I need right when I need it cause I can buy it in this capitalist society. Today specifically, I walked into a hot topic and bought my friend a $25 tshirt for her birthday without even having to check my account. Gosh dang, that felt nice and stress free and exciting.

4. The last time you felt this way, what did you do?

the last time I felt accomplished due to making the money I needed, I paid all my bills and created a spreadsheet of an avalanche debt payoff plan to give my self that nice feeling of being on top of things. Felt so good. I probably also bought my favorite dinner that whole week.

5. What holds you back the most from moving on from negative emotions?

I think just the fact that some things take time to resolve and they aren't being resolved quickly. For example the thing with my aunt. I don't know how to explain to her how I feel without attacking her for not believing me wholeheartedly. The other day I was driving a passenger to his house in Kyle tx, and we passed a street that was named the same as the street my cousin lives on. I shut my app off and went home cause I didn't feel good. So random triggers catching me off guard.

6. Which emotions are you trying to avoid right now? why?

im trying to avoid losing this motivation. I'm actually feeling somewhat okay (thanks to my excitement over my great work night), and I wish I could just get all my shit together. There's a pile of clothes on my floor, I'd like to start wrapping Xmas gifts, and basically figure my life out over night 😂😂😂. There's so much I wanna do and I just hope I feel this way tomorrow and the next day and so forth.

7. What is your inner critic telling you lately?

im a trauma dumper and shouldn't be as vocal about my struggles.

[amadnessofwords]

Therapy is great I’m learning a lot about myself and realizing that there are a lot of things I need to work on. 

I’m also starting to realizing that despite how much my ex said he loved me and how much he said he wanted to marry me. He probably didn’t, not the last few years at least. He had 10 years to propose to me and he never did, instead he moved in with another woman and her kids despite me being super uncomfortable with it since she was all over him and his Facebook page and let her wedge herself between us until he finally broke up with me.

What I hate is that despite everything that has happened I still love him. is there something wrong with me? I just can’t bring myself to hate him.

Things I’ve learned so far included 

1. Instead of yelling, or shutting out your partner in the heat of the moment you should ask for some space so you can have time to think and clear your head because jumping on something when your feeling emotional can hurt the one you love and make things very messy. 

This is what he did he saw the hacked message and within minutes he just threw me away without even asking, i don’t know if he even registered it, i think he saw it and that was it for him.

2. All the anger I’ve been feeling the last few years since this whole thing started has actually been grief disguised as anger.

long story short he visited back in 2017 and was indifferent, cold and almost cruel. he ignored me, pretty much used my house as a free hotel, was gone every single night, reused to go on any dates despite not seeing each other in person in years and the one time we did go out he threw something out of anger at me in a store.

after he left, I was so angry at him that i refused to talk to him for a few months because I needed to work on myself and figure things out. we were still together, but we were both working on ourselves so we could come back together better for each other.

but even after we came back together I kept some of that anger. I didn’t know how to get rid of it. I now realize that while it started as anger it had turned into grief. I was grieving the relationship, what I wanted out of it and what he had promised me.

and instead of dealing with it I piled a bunch of stuff on top of it and ignored it.

I probably should have went to therapy then. this was the start of the end. right after we came back together he moved in with this woman and everything went to hell.

3. I realized that I was never in the present. I was always either looking back in the past or looking towards the future. Which is something I’m now working on.

My therapist is having me do this thing every day for 5 to 10 minutes where I try to bring myself into the present. like a meditation, where i just sit and focus on the things around me and not think about anything else. 

4.  I don’t actually like saying love you, at least not all the time, if I say it I want it to mean something. I also realized those words scare me and make me a little uncomfortable.

 I’d prefer to show someone I love them with action. 

like maybe i make them dinner or gave them a massage after a long day of work or surprised them with something they’ve been looking at for a long time or doing something i know that would make them happy. or leaving little notes for them since i don’t like saying thing but writing stuff down is easier for me. stuff like that.

My ex used to say I love you all the time to me, it was maybe 4 or 5 times a day and I never realized why saying it back sometimes made me so uncomfortable until recently but I just don’t like saying it. I don’t feel like i need to say it or hear it all the time.

5. I realized I’m terrified of any kind of strong connection, both friendship and romantic and i unconsciously sabotage anything that i think that might have that kind of potential since i see that as a threat now and don’t want to get hurt again.

so i guess i need to work on that now.

[littlemissjrgd]

11/15/2022: November Forever

Thank you for all for taking the time and remembering me on my special day, your greetings are one of the things that I look forward to every time my Birthday comes around. They are e truly the reason why I do not feel too bad about getting old.

The day after my Birthday will always be my 2nd favorite day because it is the time when I normally allot a time to reflect on the year in my life that has gone by.

This year is all about consistency, it is about making sure that I maintain the work that I am doing in life, love, health, and career so I do not fall behind. I am not going to lie; it has not been easy to be on top of everything. It gets exhausting at times but at the end of the day I am happy because all the work that I put in paid off.

Speaking of paid off, this year I have achieved a lot of things, though to others it might not seem like it to me it is. As they say to each their own. This year, I got a promotion. I am now a Senior Quality Tester. I do not know why but I never saw myself being called a Senior after just working for a company for three years. Also, to those who know me I am pretty sure you know that I find it hard to keep a job for longer than two years because I get tired easily. I wanted to have a job that would keep me busy and keep my brain stimulated so that I do not lose interest. Unfortunately, not all companies can give that satisfaction to their employees and I feel blessed that the company that I work for can give just that and more.  

I also found myself being out there, I have been giving talks here and there, sharing my experiences and hoping that I inspire at least one soul to not give up and move forward no matter how many challenges comes along their way. I also joined a recreation team at work which to those who knew me will agree that it is very unlikely of me since I am partially introvert.

I also celebrated 1 year of being in regular therapy. I still have ADHD, anxiety, and occasional depression, but I find that it is more manageable now. My therapist and I had a talk recently that we will have to make changes on how many times we meet in a week because she believes that I have grown and that I am ready to go on without her.

Lastly, I received my 10-year green card, and I am planning to kickstart 2023 by working on my US Citizenship application.

This is probably the year that I felt that I am the most grown up because I was able to keep my job. I showed up and contributed to my therapy sessions and I did not feel afraid to ask for help when I know I needed it, but most of all because I was able to implement setting boundaries. I used to feel guilty when I say no to people whether they are co-workers, friends, or family but now I do not feel that way anymore, instead I learned that it is okay, it is not the end of the world and that I should not be so hard on myself because at the end of the day I only have me.

As of writing this, I believe that I am in a good place physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and I think that I just have to work on keeping it this way because if I put in the work, the rest will follow.