#ive been wondering if i have cptsd

[sucrecube9]

I think part of the reason I find games like Disco Elysium or Slay the Princess so interesting to me is because my brain has always felt a little fractured like that. Little parts, segments different enough that it's like multiple "people" having a "conversation" but they're still part of one whole, not enough to be seperate beings. They're part of the same idea, the idea of you, but they're still seperate. So close yet so far. They are different pieces in the same puzzle. They are different words in the same sentence. They are all different people with the same face and body and voice and idea of a person. I'm rambling here because it's such a specific feeling that's so clear to me because I can feel it but it's so difficult for me to put into words!

When the Voice of the Hero talks, it's hard to say that's not you/the player in Slay the Princess. It's part of you. A fragment. An echo. But the same can be said of the Voice of the Paranoid, or the Voice of the Smitten! They're all so different, yet they're still part of whatever the hell "you" is!

To end this, I generally have become a really big fan of fiction where you can see the seperated pieces that make up a person, taken apart like a computer you're trying to fix, because for a big part of my life that's how I have felt and I am unsure if there will ever come a day when the parts are put back together into one working machine. Maybe I will have to make do with being dismantled.

[tea-and-secrets]

i know this is an unpopular opinion bc this is the "cut off your friends for having a bad day!!!! theyre toxic! you don't owe anyone ANYTHING!" site but ive found the more people on here talk about shit like "loving people at their worst" and "helping their friends" and "you have to make peace with being a burden" and "the loneliness epidemic is so sad :(((" type posts the more likely they are to be a shit friend that resents actually having to help you for any reason. if you arent capable of being able to help someone thru a mental health crisis or take a risk helping someone in a bad place or in asking if someone's okay and not immediately dropping it at the extremely-typical-symptom-of-cptsd deflecting, you're not a friend, straight up. that is an acquaintance and that is fine. but acting like that's friendship is lying to yourself. its incredible that people act like this is fine on the site that constantly complains friendships arent taken as seriously as romantic relationships - maybe some people crave that romantic relationship bc it comes with an assurance that they won't be given up on as easily. for a literary culture that romanticises loyalty in a big way everyone on here loves to make up excuses to flake on it in their real life relationships with the excuse that the other is a bad person, a terrible friend, toxic, when id bet my ass they never tried to talk to them about the problems they had with them even once lol and i know everyone on here likes to say they're a people pleaser like that's some virtue and not a maladaptive coping mechanism thatll bite you in the ass and choke out all your friendships, but honestly if you can never get yourself to bring up to someone you call a "friend" that they hurt you or made you upset or made you uncomfortable, and you cut them off for that, you're a shit person. if you never once voice your opinion and fault them for not working around it, you're a shit person. if you get mad at and hold grudges against someone for violating boundaries you never once set up or even tried to hint at, or not solving problems they didn't know existed, you're a shit person. i had friends go nuclear and cut me off during the delusional haze after one of the most traumatic events in my life and it was over shit they'd apparently kept silent about for years. years. and never once tried to bring up. some of those things were things we'd already talked about and i apologized for and i thought we'd cleared the air on, but they were still upset over it and held me acting that way in the first place over my head as if i was evil for having those thoughts in the first place, and they'd never once hinted that they were holding that grudge the entire time we were "friends".

i see posts now that are like "it's sooo great to cut a toxic friend out of your life :) breath of fresh air" and i look at the notes in agreement and wonder how many of those people did what they did, refused to talk about their problems only to hold those problems against someone as black marks on their character. very few people actively want to be an asshole, most of the time just telling someone "this hurts" or "this upsets me" is enough to get them to stop and reconsider what they've been doing. i know i didnt want to. i begged you to tell me if id hurt you and you still lied to my face. why did you think id willingly want to hurt a friend? i tried to work with your symptoms, i always came to you when id been upset to get clarification, and i thought you'd do the same. what did i do to deserve that

.

[anendoandfriendo]

Tw syscourse, no pressure to read or respond if you dont have the energy or just dont want to for any reason

You seem like the sys to ask about this, because i know youre a disordered endogenic system. Obviously a system that didnt form from trauma can experience trauma, and a system that wasnt always disordered can become disordered. I was wondering if in your opinion CDDs are always caused by trauma? Intuitively i feel like there are potentially non-trauma reasons to have a dissociative disorder, just like theres non-trauma reasons to have an anxiety disorder. Certainly if somesys ever told me they had a CDD for non-trauma reasons i would believe them, but i dont know if ive ever seen a system describe themselves that way. All the conflicting opinions ive been seeing in pro endo spaces is bringing the topic to mind

I mean, there are always exceptions to the rule, if that's what you're asking?

We're not sure if it's our plurality that's disordered though (we have definitely been back and forth about it however).

It's kind of the same logic of correlation here, like, unless it explicitly says trauma like in CPTSD and PTSD we see zero reason to see it as causative.

And even CPTSD and PTSD get fucky. Like, what about exomemories? Or like what about the fact they explicitly require trauma to be a that is directly in person regardless so even if you had the exact same synptoms they can just go "nope sorry baby you cant have PTSD" just like that if it was work related stress?? Like, we actually wonder how much of burnout is just PTSD but because "According to the current diagnostic criteria, assessment of PTSD symptoms is appropriate only if criterion A is met, i.e., the individual has had a qualifying exposure to a requisite trauma. Without this trauma exposure, psychiatric symptoms reported by an individual would not qualify as PTSD symptoms." yada yada yada.

(Also that comment "some trauma experts criticized criterion A in the DSM-IV as too inclusive" is really, really telling here. Is trauma only big things, or small things too??? Why draw the line here?? Is it possible the DSM itself is contributing to the stigma of its own disorders???)

So, going from there — if the only thing differentiating PTSD from burnout is literally about the immenancy of the threat you're forseeing ir experiencing, how is that any different from like. An endogenic CDD.

Psychiatrists aren't there to help you and the DSM is an insurance bible. Like. Just based off of that alone. So why the hell should we. Like. Gatekeep CDDs if even the most "basic" of diagnoses get so so much debate.

We should always let the person decide for themselves how to identify. 🙃

Sorry if this was all hard to read: we're literally going through a really bad burnout rn, without going into many details.

- Hailey (Admin)

[magnoliamyrrh]

lol im still working on that fucking anthropology project on legalized prostitution that means ive read through dozens of western studies on this shit and. apart from the fact that the sheer lack of human empathy and compassion of "social scinetists" and their detached god forsaken "objectivity" as well as the sheer blindness and deafness they wonder around in is still making me want to eat fucking glass. nevermind that so many studies keep 0 track of ethnic or economic demographic distributions. but i find it particularly wonderful how not one of those SoCiAl ScIeNiSts wants to ask the most BASIC psychological questions because theyre been so brainwashed by the sex work crap

what does it mean that on average at least 70-80% of prostitutes were molested as children? what does it mean that ~70% experienced incest? what does it mean that SO many entered prostitution when they were minors (which they never keep statistics of either). what are the psychological impacts of being trafficked into a foreign country. what are the psychological impacts of having not only childhood cptsd from csa but also frankly (current) traumatic stress disorder while they are being prostituted? what are the psychological impacts of having a pimp, abusive relationships of this nature, being threatened, and how does this impact the answers being given in studies? how does dissociation, derealization, and shutting down to cope affect things? why the incredibly high rates of drug use? why do these women feel ashamed to be rescued and return to their countries and rural traditional empoverished villages? in what ways does the common phenomenon of the victim not recognizing/not wanting to admit abuse while its happening impact things? LITERALLY ANYTHING. theres 1849493 important questions to be answered but the fuckin "social scientists" are too busy having their head stuck 4839 under the fucking mud of liberalism to understand the importance of asking even one of these things

"social scientistsc" my fucking ass. all those phds didnt help them be less blind than even a mole

[mizuta]

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time

[famouslastwrdz]

sometimes you get floating flashbacks.

the ones where your body doesnt feel real and you just watch it happen, knife to your ribs, breath in your busted ear where you hit the bar going down. 

i know how to deal with those now. what i do not know how to deal with is when my brain replaces people and situations. 

a joke waltz in the living room months ago warps into the cold floor of the studio and their hands have been safe for years, yet when my cptsd addled eyes turn to the person in this dream its not the person who did it.  

an old familiar dress becomes torn and stained as i put it on, black skirt bleached with him.

when tim takes my cup from the freezer i only see someone who wants to harm me, baseinstinctneeds to harm me. 

aurora sits on the floor of my room with me and i hear her telling me it's why she died, had to die, cant live with it. the last conversation i had with her. staying on the phone until i heard her mother come into the room. 

ive had the same conversation multiple times. leanne, blood cooling sticky on my hands, wondering if she'll stop thinking about it when her eyes close.

rotten, in a letter, pouring his soul onto paper about how male survivors are just seen to be lucky except when its another man, then spat on as gay and deserving. 

aurora on that phone call.

layla with her frantic rambling through the doors, asking nurses for something to make her forget or let her rest. 

i think im coming up to my time now, sleeping less and less, unable to look at myself, repulsed at any human touch. it's all him and it always will be. it's the same man, and i ask three to try to get my arms to him when it's my time. he can fuck the empty space between tendons for all i care, its just another thing for him to take. i just wonder if the others forgot after their bodies shut down, or if it really is forever.

[hussyknee]

I need to be staying off social media because my CPTSD is off the charts, but that leaves my ADHD to eat itself.

Really wish I could ask to be hospitalized for a spell. I usually would be by this point, but. Fucking covid. Sigh.

I think being in a hospital would also be a trigger though, because it was the only time my ex was attentive and caring. I mean, I definitely was at breaking point because the asshole treated me like a pack mule until I buckled both physically and mentally, but sometimes I wonder if I let myself get that sick on purpose just so I could be treated like I was worth anything. All the good memories of my marriage are tied up with being in hospital. And then his care and affection would make me feel grateful and guilty and eager to make up for troubling him so much, and go right back to killing myself trying to look after both of us, the house and our four dogs.

Even when it was a bad colitis flare that got me hospitalised, I'd come home from being two days on an IV to find the whole place like Armageddon, and he'd expect me to pick up right where I left off. And I never saw anything wrong with it, even though my friends wanted to kill him and bury the body.

It took not only leaving him, but being emotionally abused for leaving him, and a year more of being financially abused, exploited and manipulated even while living apart to put my foot down and demand my dues. Up until then I was ready to sign whatever he wanted and take the pittance he offered me for just five years "so I wouldn't be mooching off him forever" and let him run me ragged looking after the dogs even though they lived with him, not me. Even then it was only because of what his neglect and irresponsibility was doing to the dogs. If it was only me I would have just reconciled myself to the fact that I had never been worth anything in his eyes and fucked off.

Still coming to terms with the utter lack of care, respect and kindness I have been treated with all my life. I try to remember that it wasn't my fault that I'm surrounded by assholes, but I can't help wondering what about me was so unlovable and worthless. The only person who showed me unconditional love and kindness was my mother in law, and it all went to hell when she died a year and half ago. I was so exhausted and sick I could barely stay sitting up through her funeral, and all I could think of was that I didn't want to die the way she did - literally worked into the grave by her husband and sons as the price of loving them. Like me, everything she did was invisible until she fell ill from overwork, and then felt guilty for falling ill.

The epiphany at her funeral was the first time I wanted something for myself, even if it was only to live. I left her son two weeks later. I could tell everyone blamed me, and my in-laws cut me off completely after I put my foot down and the divorce turned acrimonious, including my sister-in-law who I loved and looked up to. I really thought she was in my corner. She didn't even answer the texts I sent wishing the children on their birthdays. I miss them a lot. I was too ill to be as much part of their lives as I wanted, but I wonder whether they ask why their auntie has disappeared.

And now I live in a house with the people I thought I had escaped forever. The loneliness feels like it's eating at my bones.

[unwelcome-ozian]

I have a few things going through my mind lately. Im about 99% sure I wasnt programmed and/or in a cult, but I do belive, my grandmother might have (without being aware, idk if its bc she was born shortly before WW2 and possible other trauma, or just generally the time and age that lead to her being very uneducated) had things at home or was in contact with a cult (unsure what. Asked professionals, siad could be JW, but sounds too extreme and not what JW usually do) and I miss memories until about age 12-14 and also the years after that are extremely blurry.

Im in therapy and also ohysical therapy and see an ostheopath and she recently (actually several times on different occasions without knowing more except that I have expierienced trauma, didnt mention the cptsd) mentioned about how my body (like how its tensed up etc..) is the same as she has heard about its seen in trauma around birth (before, during, shortly after), I know that the way i was born was rather unusual and rough. She also mentioned about my uterus (based on loosening tense muscles through the outside obv) is comparable to someone with rather severe endometriosis or similar, but afaik I dont have endo.

So whats been going through my mind is, if these could be possible indicators of sexual abuse or anything of that kind? Ive talked to my therapist about it, but was too ashamed to exactly explain bc its hard for me to say certain words out loud and here I can do it anonymously.

Im aware, it could also just be all coincidences, but Im mostly wondering, if it could be possible or if you habe something else coming to your mind what that would be.

I can’t tell you what may or may not have happened. I want to assure you, a vast majority of people aren't programmed. This doesn’t negate your trauma or experience.

It’s alright to not be at the point of being able to verbalise things to your therapist. This sort of thing takes time, trust, safety, and can feel extremely vulnerable to share. Your therapist understands this.

I’m glad you were able to share your thoughts and feelings here. It’s a start, in a safe place.

A place to start is with your medical provider to rule out any health concerns such as endometriosis or another issue.

Oz

[nattymetanoia]

I know no one will ever see this on here. And if they do they won’t read it or react. Call me dramatic and join the haters. At this rate it’s a large group. So I can journal safely here.

I started grad school two weeks ago.

I started getting suicidal ideation two weeks ago rigjt before I started. Grad school wasn’t the cause of this, it just happened.

I’ve been on tik tok everyday just trying to a laugh and smile and know there is good out there.

My cptsd isn’t letting me believe it. I’m glad to have school work to do so I can focus on something other then my crippling depression.

Ive been finding it funny that you can say so many things subtly and people don’t care. But if you were gone they’d be saying lies like oh we were bffs. No. We aren’t.

Everyone says don’t ignore your feelings, feel them!

If I felt my feelings I would end up so broken I wouldn’t survive.

I don’t think I could get out of that place.

I know there’s reasons to want to be okay. But lately I just keep thinking what’s the point?

I can’t blame anyone for this this is almost 20 years of trauma that didn’t get dealt with.

I need to get healthy but sometimes I wonder if thst was ever me before?

I’m a excellent masker and even if I am wanting to die I can prove to you that I’m the happiest person on earth.

I’m trying.

I’m trying and I don’t even have the emotions for that.

I want to be here. I think I just forgot how to exist

[terfslying]

hey! i have a somewhat strange problem and i was wondering if you or your followers could help me out. i have an osdd system and an alter in my system thats a twerf. since im transmasc, she Constantly has something to say about my hrt or my pronouns or how i present myself. not only that, but every time she fronts, she just spends hours reading and listening to twerf rhetoric. needless to say, ive gotten pretty good at spotting the massive problems with their rhetoric, but i still doubt myself a lot because of the things she does and says. im just wondering what resources you used to snap yourself out of that mindset, basically. and what you do/have done when you start(ed) to worry you were wrong?

That sounds really tough to deal with! I think you’re on the right track of trying to build up some tactics to reassure yourself when she does that. I’m not sure if I have anything great in mind, so if followers add on that would be awesome and I’ll edit this answer to include their suggestions.

In terms of ‘snapping out of it’, it sounds a bit like a “don’t think about the white elephant” situation. The more you try not to think about it after the trigger, the more it sticks around. So it might be a good idea to build up a list of things that you can try that shift your focus.

Essentially, you only have so many brain cells; starve them out by doing something that takes a whole bunch of them. Not just the thinking power ones. All of them. The ones that you make decisions with (”doing”), the ones that you sense things with (”noticing”), and the ones that run the internal monologue (”grumping”) Yoga works for me for this: For example, with yoga:  I do the pose, I notice all the sensations of the cardio and stretching, and I grump about how much exercise is terrible and how can it possibly only have been 5 minutes since I started?

Generally I find with dissociation, it really does take some physical sensation to get through and kickstart the ‘noticing’ part.

One other thing I might suggest (which depends on your specific situation and may not be possible for you) is to try and make the twerf rhetoric less accessible? It might be possible to set up some blocked sites, delete bookmarks, or unfollow subreddits she uses for this, for example. In my experience with cptsd-related ‘parts’, it can help to simply make it more effort for them.

[irl-ichi]

i really am sorry... i know you dont want to hear it though. you kept insisting and trying and got too close.......i was hurting you no matter why that was. i regret being the reason you lost yet another friendship but... making you hate me was the only way to ensure you gave up. youre just too selfless otherwise. you probably think i dont care but unfortunately i have emotions now so it feels like my hearts been shoved in a paper shredder. i mean, i made the one person who would never give up on me, give up. of course thats not something i can just move on from. more than anything in the world i want to be your friend again trust me. believe me i really really do. i think the answer youre looking for is that to be loved is unconditional. i know thats what you were telling me. my opinion on that doesnt matter but its a hard truth that love can be poisonous. trying to take on something as exhausting and difficult as what i have to pay two professionals to do isnt healthy or feasible. its definitely not fair to you but trying to explain this just made you more determined... it made things worse. i wanted to just say what you wanted to hear but i hate lying so i made it worse. i was fine with how things were before.. i wish it were still like that. yeah you caught me, here i am with a wish, some hope. if youre willing to forgive me id take up that offer in a heartbeat. but if you wanted to keep going like recently theres no way i could do that to you. youre right, im my own worst enemy, i refuse to move forward sometimes. im sorry you cant fix that. i really am, all i ever wanted was to make you happy. cptsd is kind of ingrained into my personality and sometimes i have relapses...you just happened to catch onto one. feeling less than human and rejecting love and punishing myself and even lashing out and everything else, it comes along with it. i know it doesnt seem like it but overall i want to get better! i have been able to make progress through therapy. being able to say i love you was impossible before.. i would just deflect with a snarky comment or something. clearly i still have intimacy issues but that was an improvement i made. ah well maybe not anymore... you were the last person left to push away so that goes to show just how much good that did huh? haha. anyway this is probably long and scattered and it started off for myself but if you happen to read it i hope it didnt just upset you more. thats why i put it here, im not going to bother you im giving you space. im making sure youre in complete control on how you want things to go. if you decide this really is it i just want to say i love and care about you and miss you probably more than you think. im sorry i messed it up before we even got the chance to hang out. absolutely none of this was your fault though, never doubt that. ive only ever wished the best for you so i truly hope your future is wonderful and surrounded by good people who love you even if it hurts that i wont be there for it

i was going to delete discord but since im deleting tumblr ill keep it for about 2 weeks or a month or so to give you time to see this and think about it... youre the only reason i use it anymore so after that it just takes up space

[health-happiness-harmony2]

Not many people know about me and my past. Ive always been somewhat willing to talk about it but I’ve tried to present myself as a person who has moved on and has overcome.

Overcoming is a constant process though. Every time I think I’ve reached the next peak, I’m bound to find another one in the distance.

I tried re-listening to some childhood songs tonight and it felt like it put me right back on a different mountain, one I have climbed and will continue to climb for the rest of my life. It’s gotten easier but I’ll always be working on it.

I grew up with an abusive mother. Mental, physical, emotional, sexual....she left me when I was 16. She has tried to come back into my life multiple times but I know it’s not healthy for me to allow that until she gets her mental illness under control.

She really fucked up my head. I can’t function without anti-depressants and I have CPTSD flashbacks and anxiety attacks pretty regularly. I’ve spent thousands on therapy and work hard on myself every single day. It’s a miracle I’m functional but I’ve put in the work of unlearning abusive habits.

She really fucked me up...but I miss her. I miss having a mom that I can call to talk to about things. I never really had one but I see it everywhere. Movies, tv, memes, my friends.....everyone has some type of relationship with their mother, and it’s most of the time a good one.

My mother and I are estranged. Probably always will be. I can’t tell you if I’m going to regret my decision of keeping her out of my life or not but for now, this is the best option I have.

99% of the time I’m a functional adult who doesn’t pay much attention to this. I have a wonderful boyfriend, I’m in a masters program, and life is good.

The other 1% of the time, I’m a broken, battered 8 year old trying to make my mom love me.

And I wish she did. But for now, I’ll soldier on and love myself. It’s all I can do.

[rottenbutrecovering]

If its alright i really need to tell someone about something that happened today. i've been dealing with some bad trauma for years and i've constantly been doubting myself over it and today was the first time i talked to my psychiatrist about it (also the first time ive talked to anyone about it). i was super scared about what he would say but it went great and he actually said i have cptsd and now i just feel really valid and have stopped doubting myself for the first time. sorry for the ramble

Ah that’s wonderful, Nonnie! Having the right person who will listen to you and validate you can make the world of difference!

[bloomvroom]

vent poetry

anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser

trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me

And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?

Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?

They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,

And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong

You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats

few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’

Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist

[danika-alice]

Let’s throw back to 2 years ago. I’d just moved to scarborough, I’d finally found amazing friends and felt supported. I knew that this was the right move for me, I knew that this would be home. I’ve grown so much in the past two years, i found my therapist, I made connections with people, I met my other half, I’m still in the same flat so my environment has been stable for a fair while now. Thanks to my incredible friends here I’ve actually realised how important looking after myself is, they lifted me when i was up and down and I cannot thank them enough. It’s really hard to feel like we have achieved much especially when we compare our achievements to those of others. For me my achievements may seem small to others but they are huge to me. My confidence has grown Im learning self love I can say no and put myself first I’m committed to therapy I’m committed to my friendships and my relationship I’m committed to myself I listen to my body more and i’m more in tune with myself I’m slowly finding my voice and using it I’m doing my best to practise self care I’ve started art therapy I’m starting maths and English I’ve braved journeys on my own I never thought I could Ive made new friendships I stand up for myself and the people I care about I have learnt to enjoy my own company I can phone people without having panic attacks I don’t have as many seizures as I once did I’m starting to understand my emotions 💜💪🏻 I want you all to remember that you are wonderful, if all you did today was breathe that’s okay! We need to remember, one step at a time and if we fall back and take a while to get back up again it’s okay. I have good days and bad days, but I’m here fighting because those good days are worth it. I love you all ❤️ #mentalhealth #progress #recovery #achievement #smallsteps #wegotthis #friendships #relationship #fatpositive #bodypositiveally #effyourbeautystandards #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #cptsd #depression #anxiety #chunkybutfunky #chronicillness #invisibleillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #loveyourself #keepgoing #fatgirl #fatbabe #mentalhealthadvocate

[traumabrained]

Csa maybe Im wondering if u could answer something for me a while back something happened where basically they touched me but I didnt want it I told them to stop again & they did but Ive been really messed up since I already have cptsd & was 15 @ the time Ive been having trouble eating & get really uncomfortable One time I almost threw up bc I had to go to the bathroom & my gf cant touch me anymore When someone came to the school to talk abt dating violence & sexual assault I had a panic attack

if you’re having that reaction, then there’s a reason for it. 

i dont know what your question is, but i’m gonna assume its something along the lines of “am i horribly overreacting” to which the answer is an emphatic no, or “was it really assualt/csa/rape if i didn’t try to stop them/if we’d done it before and it was okay/if it wasn’t really that bad” to which the answer is there is a reason you are reacting this way, and whatever they did and however they did it, it clearly traumatized you. 

you are 15 now, and you said it happened a while ago. that means you were a child, and any sexual behavior towards children is going to cause trauma, and there is never any excuse. 

i’m so sorry this happened to you, you deserve to be safe. please remember that every single reaction and emotion you have because of this is justified, and you are not inconveniencing anyone by having them. it’s not your fault