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imaginariaextraordinaire · 3 years

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Episode 8 is one hella packed episode and it is an absolute joy to unpack it, beginning with this:

Clever, clever idea to have Ji-Woo repeat the line that Mi-Joo just said to indicate Ji-Woo is taking charge of things as far as Assemblyman Ki is concerned. It's also a good reminder of how tone and intent can change the meaning of a sentence even if the words are exactly the same (which is why we need good translators).

Seeing Mi-Joo stride across the screen with Seon-Gyeom behind her, it struck me that we've seen a variation of this many times before, beginning with the credit titles. While Seon-Gyeom is the sprinter, the one we see constantly trying to up the pace and charge ahead is Mi-Joo. She's always intent on moving ahead faster — perhaps to outrun the past that she finally makes peace with during the marathon? — while Seon-Gyeom moves at a slower pace, disentangling himself from the constraints of his troubled past and troubling father. The only one time we see him race ahead (in episode 2), we also see him come back and slow down.

What I particularly love about Park Shi-Hyun's writing is that in addition to all the layers and complexity she's written into the scenes and characters, she's also written a very, very funny show.

Both Shin Se-Kyung and Kang Tae-Oh do such a fantastic job with both the physical humour (without being over-the-top) and the timing that's needed to play up the wit in the dialogues. Not that Siwan and Soo-Young do a bad job — the scene in which Dan-Ah proposes to Seon-Gyeom is hilarious. My favourite is still May, who is very funny throughout this episode (the shot in which we learn she sleeps with her eyes open! GOLD).

The transitions in this episode are so well written. The insights from one scene ricochet off the next. For example, Dan-Ah in the scene at the bar — where she tells the bartender she can't risk keeping the book in her own study because she can't risk people guessing she has anxieties — gives us a look at the problems of the privileged. This is followed by a scene in which Yeong-Hwa and Mi-Joo discuss student debts, which is a relatable middle-class problem. This in turn is followed by Tae-Woong saying that he takes selfies because he's addicted to the validation he gets from the likes each of those photos gets him — a Gen Z problem. And so it is that we get a spectrum of problems that people face and hide behind performative façades.

The likes that Tae-Woong talks about pop up with manic frenzy at the end of the heartbreaking scene with Dan-Ah in the parking lot, presenting the viewer with a terrible contrast — driving away from him is the love and acceptance that he yearns for from a sister who (he hopes) knows him. All he has to hold on to is the superficial attention of the love professed by a fandom that doesn't really know him at all. Soo-Young's performance is fantastic in this scene, especially when she asks in a voice tinged with desperation why Tae-Woong keeps coming back to her despite her treating him so badly. For the first time, you realise how much it takes out of her to lash out at this desperately-sad boy. "It takes effort to hate someone," Tae-Woong tells her. My heart!

Another fantastic set of transitions comes later on in the episode, when Mi-Joo and May are unwinding at the end of a long day at the film shoot.

This is such a great example of writing inter-generational female friendships. When May remembers not being paid for working overtime, it's an acknowledgement that things are better for working women (especially in film) than it was before, but as Mi-Joo's experiences show, there's still a lot to be done because women are still driven by a certain insecurity and anxiety to push themselves way too hard (as we see a sick Mi-Joo do later in the episode).

Of course a man tries to break this gathering up — because he wants to go to bed. Superb excuse, particularly because these women are talking how much they have to work — and it is deeply satisfying to watch all three of them shut him down and establish their right to unwind.

This scene of female friendship is followed by one that shows the friendship between the three runners. Then we get to see a fight scene full of male actors. The machismo of that performance is a sharp contrast to the awkward tenderness of Woo-Sik and Yeong-Il's conversation.

While on the subject of toxic masculinity, this is the episode in which we find out Dan-Ah's father forged Myeong-Min's birth certificate to make him legally older than Dan-Ah even though he's actually 10 months younger than her. All to ensure he has a male heir. It's a nice detail that Myeong-Min's mother is the one laying out the memorial service for Dan-Ah's mother because it hints at a sense of solidarity.

Also dismantling traditional notions of masculinity is Seon-Gyeom, whom we see at his most domestic as he cooks and packs meals for May and Mi-Joo, and does chores around the house once they're gone. It's very much an inversion of the standard male-female gender roles with the woman going out to work and the man as the homemaker. To underscore this point, we see Seon-Gyeom consider the leopard-print shirt (that May and Mi-Joo hang to give strangers the impression they've got an alpha in the house) for a second before putting it away.

Speaking of alphas, Mi-Joo's really got a thing for wild cats. In addition to that shirt, her blanket is also a leopard-print and when we see her calling Seon-Gyeom, she's standing in front of a painting of a tiger. All these seem to be digs at her posturing that she's strong and invulnerable and I burst out laughing when Seon-Gyeom folds the leopard-print blanket while muttering, "I'd have guessed this is hers even if she hadn't told me."

As disinterested as Seon-Gyeom may be in films, they play a big role in sustaining him emotionally. In this episode, it's the film set that helps Mi-Joo and him come together after their stupid disagreement. Equally importantly, the film set is where he gets the time and space to reconnect with his mother.

Run On has so much fun being meta with the film bits. The film shoot within a drama is indeed an old fake.

There are two film sets we see in this episode — one with Ji-Woo and the other with Mi-Joo. While Ji-Woo's set feels relaxed, the one Mi-Joo's working in is chaotic and taxing. The two women are also at different ends of the professional spectrum. Ji-Woo is a star while Mi-Joo is not just working behind the scenes, but she's come to fill in for the person who was the juniormost member of the crew.

When pointing out the main players of their film crew to Mi-Joo and May, Hui-Jin describes the cinematographer as "a bit racist, but still a gentleman". (Mi-Joo's response is superb: "Weird.") It's an interesting choice to make the cinematographer racist because that's the crew member who decides how subjects and scenes will be framed. "Racist but a gentleman" feels like a precise summary of the orientalist perspective which (aside from being overwhelmingly masculine) shows the East through stereotypes that are often superficially beautiful, but also reductive and damaging. Not surprisingly, this cinematographer is the reason Mi-Joo flounders while translating on set.

The film set is also the first time that Seon-Gyeom sees Mi-Joo's vulnerable side when she falls ill. It's such a clever choice to have Mi-Joo stop performing in a setting that's all about performances. Not only does Mi-Joo give up the alpha act when she's sick, she admits to Seon-Gyeom that when she's feeling helpless, her instinct is to resort to a performative lie — calling out for mom because that's what she saw other kids do as a child in a sick ward (imagine how isolated and neglected she must have felt to do this. Also, she's felt this way so many times that this performance has become second nature to her).

The anecdote suggests Mi-Joo's mulish championing of her self has its roots in past incidents when she tried to fit and either failed or was rejected. And yet, for all her strength and confidence, she's chasing phantoms and has been doing so since she was a little girl. All because she was alone and didn't have anyone she could reach out to for help. Which is why what Seon-Gyeom tells her at the end of the episode is so relevant. He helps her to reorient.

To which Mi-Joo, bless her leopard-print-loving heart, responds with

But my favourite part of this episode is the conversation that Ji-Woo has with Seon-Gyeom when he visits her set. First of all, Ji-Woo is playing a "vegan murderer", which is brilliant as ideas go and it's adorable how delighted she is about her violent roles.

I love how Run On doesn't punish Ji-Woo for sacrificing her family life for her work. Instead, it holds out the possibility that it is ok if you have that imbalance. In this scene, we see Ji-Woo's family reforming at the film set with Eun-Bi sending the coffee truck and Seon-Gyeom showing up just because Ji-Woo asked him to be there.

The mother-son conversation gives us a glimpse of Seon-Gyeom's bleak childhood and we learn that everything Seon-Gyeom did for his father was actually him doing what his mother had asked him to do. It comes as a surprise to Seon-Gyeom that his mother has noticed what he's suffered and that she understands how he'd hoped silently suffering would keep the family together. It's almost as though he's feeling seen for the first time.

Much like Dan-Ah, Ji-Woo may seem self-centred because of her ambitiousness, but she does notice what's happening beyond the obvious, especially when it comes to people she cares about. Both women are up against the worst of patriarchy. Also, I love that when she's talking about motherhood, Ji-Woo is blood-spattered — after all, being a working woman and a mother in a patriarchal is nothing short of fighting a war.

In previous episodes, it seemed as though Ji-Woo was the 'bad' (or at least not ideal) mother while Director Dong was the ideal, modern mother. Yet in comparison to how Director Dong later reacts to her son coming out, you can't help but feel Ji-Woo, with her unconditional support for her kids, might just be the better parent. What is great about Run On though is that that the script doesn't pit the two older women against each other as competing examples of motherhood or femininity. The point is that everyone's struggling, making mistakes and trying to learn from them. Ji-Woo is doing that and so will Director Dong eventually.

Love that the scene ends with Seon-Gyeom effectively declaring himself his mother's son. Take that, patriarchy.

#Run On #Episode 8 #Rewatch #Kdrama #Mothers #mother series #Smash the patriarchy #Im Siwan #shin se kyung

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twilightofthe · 4 years

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What was your opinion of the Clovis arc? People I know either love it or hate it, no in between. I generally liked it but found it waayyy ooc.

Hey anon, thanks for the ask!!!!

AHSJFLSLALK OK SO UH. Wow. Clovis arc. Yiiiiiiikes ok so. I totally agree with you on the fandom divide and I also totally agree that everyone involved in it is rather OOC for my taste. That being said, that case of OOC is exactly why I personally do not like the arc that much at all.

(Please note that my following words are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS, and that anyone is free to disagree, in fact I welcome the discussion, and even if this is your favorite arc, please consider yourself welcome on my blog I hold nothing against those who might like it)

Part of me was gonna make a short and sweet point about how I don’t like that TCW has had both of its main female characters have unwanted kisses forced on them, and instead of teaching young girls watching to tell those kinds of people to fuck off and respect their bodies, we get: 1. Just let it happen, you both must kinda like each other anyway or 2. Stay still then sit back while your boyfriend beats him half to death

But actually turns out I wanted to spend all day writing an essay so now you get this. So far I’m gonna hit four points:

the show’s constant need for Vader foreshadowing sometimes tending to completely override Anakin’s current mindset and personality he should have at this point in the timeline as well as his preestablished characterization

the way TCW gave Anakin a giant dosage of toxic masculinity to try and please the pissy movie critics who didn’t like that he cried

the role of Padmé and how TCW tries to portray her as a “strong woman” by just having her constantly be irritated by and sometimes even look like she actively dislikes her husband while simultaneously have her act OOC so they can blame HER and her actions for Anakin’s reactions and anger and overall Fall

How I think this arc is not irredeemable and that with some fixes it could be done decently— decently, not well, because a lot of this arc’s problems are also due to preexisting writing choices throughout the show

(Ok whoops this turned into a half Clovis arc rant half entire TCW Anidala commentary)

So firstly I wanna start that yes, I am fully aware that TCW is meant to fill in the gaps between AOTC and ROTS and help explain why Anakin’s mindset in the final movie is what it is and justify his Fall. Of course we need to show some Vader foreshadowing throughout the series, and in some places it is executed very well, notably the Mortis arc, the Bad Batch arc, the Wrong Jedi arc, as well as others that I can’t cite off the top of my head currently because I might have a mild touch of heat exhaustion wooo I need to get off the beach.

But it also has some rather hamfisted Vader foreshadowing stuff too. Like, y’all know the fandom joke where it’s like “Anakin: *Accidentally Leaves The Toilet Seat Up*. The Background Music: *BLASTS the Imperial March*” but like, they actually really do that. Like the time where they have Anakin take out a terrorist about to blow up an entire ship full of people and then play the Imperial March afterwards and imply he’s a “cold-blooded killer” just to defend the moral purity of the two people who were gonna stand there and let the ship blow in the name of idealism.

I’m getting off topic but yeah, sometimes the show’s Vader foreshadowing makes sense, sometimes it’s pretty forced, and the Clovis arc DEFINITELY leans towards the forced side, and when they try to force more of Darth Vader into Anakin at a point where he shouldn’t quite be there yet, it screws with his entire character.

This is particularly shown in the majority of the show’s takes on Anakin’s relationship with Padmé. Namely, they tend to forget nearly the entirety of AOTC with the exception of the Tusken murder scene, then forget even more of ROTS up until the point where Anakin strangles her on Mustafar. Basically, they take the truth that it was Anakin’s unhealthy attachment to Padmé that sparked his Fall, but then they decide to run with it where almost every single interaction he has with her in the damn show is him being a toxic overbearing dick to her and her acting like she mildly tolerates him at most and definitely doesnt respect him as like, I guess a way of showing what happened on Mustafar is in character for them???? Ugh, I’ll explain further.

So with Anakin’s aggressive possessiveness towards her. We know Anakin has possession and attachment issues. We know he’s a clingy needy whiny anxious mess who’s constantly afraid of losing or driving away the few people he has pinned his entire happiness on. We know he leans unhealthily on Padmé to provide the majority of his emotional support. We know he’s convinced himself he can’t live without her. But never, NEVER is it seen in the movies where his possessiveness turns into outward aggression towards her or this douchey pushiness. Never does he treat her like his property, like she belongs to him.

Not until Mustafar.

Not until he’s raving, half out of his mind with the warring emotions over the atrocities he’s just committed, until he’s begging her to understand where he was coming from, begging her and the child to stay with him and justify his decision, until he sees Obi Wan and sees her backing away from him, leaving him, and he PANICS because oh no no no you can’t abandon me, I need you, doN’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME. And he lashes out and tries to force her to stay, punish her for leaving and doubting him, and he puts that hand around her throat.

And that is supposed to be when we know he’s crossed the line, when we’re supposed to be horrified, where we know he’s lost himself, because he has NEVER ACTED LIKE THAT BEFORE.

Now how does Anakin act before? In the movies? He’s deferential to Padmé in almost every other scene they’re in together.

In AOTC, yeah he stares at her a bit creepily from a distance, he says awkward things and does goofy stuff to impress her, but he does Not get in her face. The few times he does invade her space, she flat out tells him: stand back. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t say that. Don’t interrupt me. And Anakin always, always backs off, respects her wishes. He follows her lead and lets her call the shots both on Naboo when he’s supposed to be protecting her and when she organizes the Geonosis rescue and once they arrive where she flat out tells him “I’m a Senator, I’ll handle this, just back me up”, and he’s all but just “ok yes queen”.

But they aren’t married then. Fine, take ROTS. It’s a movie all about Anakin’s issues but even then, when he’s worried about Padmé dying, he tells her he’s worried and that he can’t lose her, but he still keeps a distance. He doesn’t constantly hover and loom over her. If anything, Padmé, both in ROTS and AOTC is always the one to approach Anakin and close the distance when there’s conflict. When Anakin is upset, he averts his eyes and distances himself, tries to draw in on himself and brood silently, and we’ve seen it in Palpatine sometimes (of course with bad motives but he still does), but Obi Wan and Padmé both especially needing to be the ones to come over, turn his face to them and be like “hey, look at me, I care about you, what’s wrong”. Padmé SAYS in ROTS when he’s feeling specifically conflicted about losing Padmé, “don’t shut me out” and has to come over to him because he’s retreated into a corner of the room to scowl angstily out the window. Anakin does NOT get overbearing and possessive of her or get in her face, not once in the films.

In the fucking show? The Clovis arc, while perhaps the worst offender, isn’t even close to being the first time Anakin has been overly pushy and aggressive with Padmé, or acting like she’s something he owns, From that time in the Senate Hostage ep where he’s bugging her about ditching work and all but acting like incels texting like “awww but babe my dick hurts :(”, from the FIRST Clovis disaster ep where he’s childishly trying to screw up Padmé’s mission, to the Clovis arc in season 6

And this is where they just roll right in with their “oh so Anakin’s an overbearing, entitled douche” bit with the interaction he has with Pads and he’s trying to talk her out of taking the Clovis assignment and he says something along the lines of “as your husband, I demand you don’t do this”.

Hwat. The Fuck.

What kind of caveman-esque, 1800’s-ass man of the house whom my wife must obediently serve kinda entitled-ass BULLSHIT?!?!?!?

Like, I’m sorry, I really am, but that is just completely out of left field and not like Anakin at all. I mean to the point that when he’s an evil Sith Lord trying to talk her into taking over the galaxy with him, EVEN THEN he does not include “Padmé you must join me because I’m your husband and you do as I say” sort of domineering assholerly.

Anakin does not push Padmé around. He does not TRY to assert authority over her or try and force her to do shit. Not only because she doesn’t put up with that kinda shit for a second, but because Anakin respects Padmé; he will treat her with respect. He always has, and sometimes like in this arc it really doesn’t feel like he does.

Now of course Padmé’s response to the “I own you” declaration is “fuck you, asshole, I do what I want” and doubling down on her decision, and then decides to go even harder on the mission if only to spite her douche husband (and we’ll get to Padmé’s characterization in a bit) which is a very different kind of Anidala conversation we see in the show as opposed to the movies (also discussed later).

Now, the reason for Anakin’s overbearing douchery ties directly into an overarching problem in TCW— honestly, one of the very few issues I have with this show, but the problem is that it touches nearly the entire thing —and that is they almost completely reworked Anakin’s personality to be more hyper-masculine alpha male.

This is a topic I’ve discussed on my blog before, but the gist is that in the movies, Anakin was not the typical male heroic protagonist and DEFINITELY not what people expected from Future Darth Vader The Masked Brutish Male Power Fantasy. He was awkward, he was shy, he was soft spoken, he was clumsy around the girl he liked, he was very openly romantic, he liked frolicking in fields and candlelit dinners and snuggling. Two of the most important people in his life were soft, feminine women and he openly loved them very dearly and very gently— and he deferred to them when he felt it was right, as I’ve mentioned before. He CRIED when he was upset and was messy and emotional. And fanboys hated this with a burning passion. They couldn’t project their power fantasy onto this!!!! The Anakin critics were a HUGE part of the mob who crucified the prequels to the point of chasing both Anakin actors practically out of the movie industry in general.

The Clone Wars writers were obviously petrified of this happening again. So their solution, as has always been Star Wars’s solution to hateful fans being upset about an innocent character, is to completely rework them, hide or retcon all the undesirable qualities, and act like everything was all fixed. Now don’t get me wrong, there are aspects of TCW Anakin that I adore. As I’ve also mentioned before, they got his humor, his cleverness, his eagerness to do the right thing, to help people, his relationship with Obi Wan and Ahsoka and his men, they got that all perfectly. But the rest??? TCW’s solution to the criticism of Movie!Anakin was to turn him into an agressive, dominant, violent shadow of everything “soft” he was in the movie

Now, he speaks loudly and more deeply. Now, he’s cocky and overconfident and while yes he was arrogant in the movies, now it’s dialed up to like an 11. He never cries, never even THINKS to show a negative emotion that’s not Manly Rage And Aggression(TM). And then there’s the way he is around the women in his life. No more awkwardness or shyness, now he makes jokes about being a “ladies man” and does whatever the fuck flirting he does with Miraj Scintel even though the Anakin from the movies would have needed like every scrap of his self control just to look at her without insta-murdering her face. And then there’s how he is with Ahsoka and Padmé. He is muuuuch more of a loud brash dudebro around them who pushes his weight and is kind of controlling and their solution is just to have the both of them be Strong Women(TM) who Fight Back whenever he tries it too hard with them.

With Ahsoka, it’s not too bad because it’s a brand new dynamic and she’s a rather agressive firecracker personality herself when we first meet her, so the constant Snips n’ Skyguy snipefest works for them. For Padmé? It just means that in far too many episodes they’re in there’s a point where Anakin says something Eh and Padmé gets mildly irritated to actually annoyed with him for it and she’ll talk down to him and then there’s an argument between them because he’s bullheaded and she’s a Strong Woman. Why do I consider these out of character?

In the movies, despite the flaws, Anidala is a couple who actually tries to communicate. Anakin feels open to speak about his troubles to Padmé and her to him (for the most part, she definitely has a savior complex and a tendency to squash her own shit so she can help deal with both Anakin’s and the galaxy’s at large) when they’re worried or concerned about something and they want to talk it out, so they’ll talk it out!

The problem with Anidala isn’t that they don’t communicate, it’s that they try but also only do it by halves because they hate fighting. They’ll talk, Anakin will say something that Padmé might disagree with— the fascism discussion in the Naboo field in AOTC, the question of whether the Republic is just or not in TPM —and she’ll try and correct him if she feels he’ll listen, but if he doubles down, she’ll go “ok you know what, agree to disagree, let’s not fight” and she subtly changes the subject because she hates fighting with him. If Pads says something Ani doesn’t like— telling Obi Wan about them in ROTS, some emotional advice she tries to give in both movies —he’ll flat out shut down and be like “I don’t want to talk about this, let’s drop it” and then seek out cuddles or affection as a distraction.

And that brings us back to the Clovis arc. The scene where the “as your husband” line occurs. Anakin is trying to talk Padmé out of doing this not because he’s jealous. Maybe he was jealous the first time he met Clovis and saw Padmé being all cute n’ fond with her old flame, but this time it seems almost entirely because last time ended in catastrophe and he’s genuinely worried for Padmé and feels she’s not thinking wisely, that she’s putting herself in danger.

However, Anakin is deciding to voice these concerns in Possessive Dudebro Pushing because of the aforementioned misguided Vader Foreshadowing and Toxic Masculinity. Padmé? Is not even CONSIDERING what he has to say, is just breezing on through and shutting him down at every turn and generally acting like he’s a dumbass who doesn’t have a clue about anything.

Now, it is very in character for Padmé Amidala to be all “I’m right, you’re wrong, fuck you don’t get in my way”. HOWEVER, they aren’t framing this as solely Padmé having a goal and bulldozing her way through the situation. That’s not how they frame this.

They frame this as: Padmé is embarrassed that she misjudged the situation wrong the last time and embarrassed even further that Anakin had to step in and get her out of trouble— which he brings up —and probably remembers that he made fun of her while he did it—

(Timing out to say that THAT scene was also OOC; they once more wanted a Vader parallel what with Anakin’s silhouette when he opens her cell door and the way Padmé’s sleeping pose is identical to Leia’s in ANH. But Anakin basically steps in and gives her this condescending-ass “awww the little wife’s gotten in over her head like I SAID she would, good thing I’m here to rescue her!” bit that’s really just MEAN. It’s not like him and Obi Wan’s/Ahsoka’s teasing snark whenever they have to pull each out of trouble, he’s just kicking her while she’s already down. Really, Anakin’s reaction should have been a lot less humorous and a lot more pissy; she didn’t listen to him, didn’t trust him, and ended up in danger because of it. It’d be a surly and upset “I told you so”, not an amused one.)

—and now it seems much more like Padmé is solely taking this assignment to spite Anakin for being a dick and to pettily prove that she knows what she’s doing rather than any sense or urge to do the right thing. And....... childish pettiness????? Is not Padmé. And yet, she has the entire immature “don’t tell me what to DO, Anakin” attitude this whole arc that amounts to WAY more than just the normal response she would have to his overcontrolling dickishness

And once again, it’s because she, like everyone else in the episode, seems to think the problem Anakin has is that he’s jealous of Clovis. He’s not, not really. He’s insecure, yes, but he also knows Clovis is a bag of dicks as well, and trusts that Padmé knows she’s better than that. His problem isn’t fears he’ll lose Padmé, it is entirely that Padmé isn’t listening to his concerns, doesn’t trust him, is going into a situation they both know is unwise, and he is frustrated he’s not in a position where he can look out for her since he feels she’s not looking out for herself. And, he’s not entirely wrong. Padmé IS being reckless and kind of irrational solely to prove a point. He just goes about it pretty much entirely the wrong way, which is what you can really say is the cause and effect formula for any problem Anakin Skywalker encounters and subsequently makes worse.

And then there’s That Scene. The one where Clovis tries to force a kiss on Padmé and Anakin freaks and almost kills him for it. I’ll start off by quoting another Tumblr user on that very scene by saying in regards to Clovis: “that bitch deserved that”. The almost murder? Maybe not that far, but the initial hitting for disrespecting someone’s “no”? Yep, that was deserved.

My first criticism is that Anakin shouldn’t have even had time to attack him because why the fuck wasn’t Padmé instantly kneeing him in the balls?!?! Like Padmé is not prone to violence immediately, no, but she can will and does defend herself immediately when she needs to— her right punch knocked someone tf out once when she was pissed —and she already gave him a warning that his advances were not welcomed.

Now, I am absolutely not victim blaming. I am NOT saying it is the fault of a woman (I’d be a hypocrite if I did and that’s all I’ll say on THAT), or of anyone when faced with sexual harassment, if they don’t fight back for whatever reason, no matter how capable of doing so they may be. What I’m saying is that considering her previous behavior and personality and the fact that the show NEVER goes deep enough into explaining heavy stuff like why victims might freeze or NOT fight back when faced with harassment, I feel like showing her not attempting to defend herself at all is kinda strange.

Now, Padmé’s utter passiveness to the situation aside, we’re going back into toxic masculinity and misunderstood interpretations of how Anakin displays possession. While I’ll repeat that Clovis deserved consequences for the forced kiss, Anakin going full caveman defending his property jealous rage just. Doesn’t feel right to me. Again, I think Anakin would probs hit him and put the fear of living god into him, maybe even I’d buy the attempted murder if they framed it as Anakin doing it because he hates those who force their will on others and disrespect women, but the whole that’s MY wife and you’re touching her shite just once more feels alpha male aggressive ridiculousness. Like again, I understand Anakin is possessive of Padmé, but not like this. I’m sorry, but I just cannot see that, him fighting over her like she’s a scrap of meat.

Like, I completely think she’s in the right tho to put them on a break after he does it though. That’s well within her right.

But then onto the FINAL part where after Clovis goofs and fucks them all over and then dies, she forgives him and blames herself for everything and apologizes. And like, that part I do see as in canon and character for her and for Anakin. He doesn’t like to admit his mistakes, her mistakes weigh on her and when she fails to fix or save someone, she falls into depression and upset and self-blame.

But the fact that Clovis died because Anakin dropped him? Anakin Skywalker, who scaled an entire elevator shaft carrying two people over his back who combined probs weighed more than Padmé and Clovis. Anakin Skywalker, who’s used the Force to lift tons of debris, who’s used it to hold back explosions, Anakin Skywalker, MOST POWERFUL FORCE USER IN HISTORY WHO TENDS TO RELY ON BRUTE STRENGTH FOR MOST SHIT ANYWAY. That Anakin couldn’t pull two people over a ledge?!?!?!?!? This has always bothered me.

Like to be honest; I feel this entire episode could have been so fixable too. Like keep Anakin’s obsessive worry over Padmé making a mistake, keep the best part of the arc which is his talk with Obi Wan where Obi Wan tries to connect with him and explain that he’s not alone, all Jedi have emotional struggles and have loved, if perhaps he wants to TALK to someone about it, Obi Wan is here for him, like that? That’s okay!

Just ugh ffs, get rid of the nasty Anakin treating Padmé like a naughty dog who won’t obey him and the Padmé purposely acting unwisely to spite Anakin plot. Have the entire conflict be both of them being upset that the other doesn’t trust them, doesn’t believe in their advice, keep Padmé’s speech about how marriages NEED trust and compromise to survive, take all of Anakin’s aggression towards Padmé and transfer it to aggression towards Clovis, like make the conflict him menacing the guy if he hurts Padmé again just because he’s being overprotective and “if you won’t look out for yourself I will” and Anakin getting constantly checked for not being able to control his emotions, Padmé can tell him off for being overprotective instead of overaggressive and his possessiveness can instead show through him arguing that he needs to keep her safe at all costs. THAT can be the argument.

And if they want the Vader foreshadowing? Like real, in-character Vader foreshadowing??? Tbh, drop the Clovis beatdown, drop the machoness towards Padmé, and just have Anakin blatantly DROP the douchebag at the end of the episode instead of his hand slipping. Make him choose to ACTIVELY kill Clovis. Like THAT, Anakin taking the law into his own hands and deciding that he knows best and this guy is dangerous and has fucked up one too many times, there being an opportunity where there’s an chance to save Clovis when they’re alone without Pads, “be a Jedi, Padmé wouldn’t want this, do the right thing” Clovis might say, and we can see Anakin’s face considering, and then he just “Long Live The King”s him and lets him fall and die, THAT is an in-character Vader foreshadowing.

Then at the end of the episode, we can have Anakin lie to her, say Clovis slipped, say it was too late, and Padmé can believe him, thank him for trying. Then there’s the same thing where Padmé apologizes, and we can have a callback to the convo about trust and she adds that she’s sorry that she didn’t trust him, and when she says that, we zoom in on Anakin’s guilty face.

There. That’s how I’d fix these episodes

And THERE, I think I’ve complained about everything, I am SO sorry for the gigantic ass post and response, I’ll add a read more once I’m on my laptop and not on the beach on mobile.

But yeah anon, I hope that satisfies your question xD

Once again, I welcome discussion if y’all either agree with me or if you have any differing opinions, I know my takes are far from hot for several people and I’m curious to see what others think!

#i’m SO sorry i got carried away but yeah this arc and one or two others (one in particular) are the only arcs that kiiinda set me off tbh #long post #ask #anon #one (1) hot mess #queen of my heart #star-crossed lovers #sw the clone wars #anidala #the clone wars

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popanalysis99 · 3 years

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The Rampant Toxic Masculinity in The Society (and do the perfect male characters exist?)

The Society was one of the most talked about series on Netflix before it got abruptly cancelled in 2020 due to COVID concerns. But one of the downer parts of the series was that how the female characters were shown to be complex while most of the male characters were shown to be two-dimensional if not, really really horrible. So let’s take a look at how each of the male characters were portrayed (except for Grizz, Sam, Gordie and Will because they subverted the toxic masculinity in the series so I am counting them out).

Campbell Eliot:

Campbell Eliot is first introduced as a typical bad boy character who doesn’t want to follow the rules (Think J.D. from Heathers). Though we see a lot of red flags about him in the first episode, like when we see him try to shoot Cassandra and kick his deaf brother Sam out of his house, calling him a really offensive name. And then he ends up having Elle all to himself. But later in the episode 4, Sam exposes him to be a psychopath with no remorse at all while Campbell drowns Elle, but Allie thinks it’s bullcrap and decides to free him. It proves to be a mistake at the end (which we will come to later). Campbell basically represents every abuser in real life and deconstructs the bad boy archetype we’ve seen in the media. Whatever he does isn’t romanticised for entertainment and it shows he is the ankle-biting, menopause-aching and cockroach-crawling worst.

Harry Bingham:

Harry is introduced as a popular rich kid, but all of that gets changed after he and others get shifted to New Ham. He is jealous of Cassandra and doesn’t agree with her methods at all and wishes that someone would shut her up. Unfortunately his wishes come true when Greg Dewey, a rampant psycho kills Cassandra, which drives Harry into guilt and eventually causes him to suffer from depression and isolate himself from others. Campbell takes advantage of this and uses Harry as his puppet for his reign of terror.

The Guard (Especially Clark and Jason):

Clark and Jason start off as typical dumb jocks in the series. They seem to want to play football and nothing else. Then when they end up in New Ham, they end up forming a police force known as the Guard (how there were no female jocks that could’ve been part of the guard, I’ll never understand.) At first they try to do the right thing and follow the rules of the Mayor (Cassandra and then Allie), but slowly and slowly they end up getting drunk with power and start abusing their prisoners. This even gets worse when Allie rejects their idea of joining the election to become the mayor and they join Campbell’s coup just out of spite against her. What is so realistic is that they even represent the police brutality that is rampant in some countries.

How these men ruined the ending?

What makes the ending worse is the fact that Allie, a woman leader and Will, a young black man were imprisoned by a psychopathic tyrant, a spoilt rich white kid and a group of angry young white men acting as the police. What makes this ending so controversial is the fact that this is taking place at the same time as the Me Too movement where the powerful people like Campbell are being exposed for their abuse against women and police brutality (like The Guard’s in New Ham) is getting exposed and protested against by everyone. And since the series got cancelled, we might never get a redemption to this controversial cliffhanger filled with abusive men taking power away from a female protagonist.

Breaking Stereotypes of Masculinity

While The Society failed most of it’s male characters, these days there are more nuanced portrayals of a lot of male characters on TV who have broken stereotypes of what men should be.

Elliot Alderson in Mr. Robot is the most popular example. He is a non-stereotypical male character who embodies all kinds of tropes that is usually applied to strong female characters such as the Broken Bird, The Independent Woman and the Gorgeous but Vengeful Female Vigilante who preys on abusive men such as perverts, cheaters, rapists, pedophiles etc. He is shown to be really sensitive and emotional but it doesn’t make him weak. He is even put through so much physical, emotional and mental trauma throughout the series, but he shows time and time again that he is strong and he is a true survivor. He even says that it’s his love and care for others that drives him to save the world.

Marty Deeks from NCIS: Los Angeles depicts the “Manic Pixie Dream Boy”, the role that is usually applied to female characters who try to lift a brooding male character from their despair. But the trope is gender flipped between Kensi and Deeks. Like every MPDG, Deeks also has the quirkiness, free spiritedness and vivaciousness and bursts into Kensi’s life when he first meets her. When he first meets Kensi, he makes it his goal to lift her from her brooding and jaded world and make her happy. And unlike the other MPDGs, he is even shown to have his own story. He also has his own struggles and flaws and is shown to battle with them from time to time, but still stays positive through all of it.

Din Djarin from The Mandalorian starts off as a tough bounty hunter, but after meeting Grogu, the jedi child, he becomes more soft and responsible with him and makes it his point to be protective of him. He isn’t afraid to show his feelings from time to time and to soften up a bit.

Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad is first seen as a manly small time gangster who teaches Walter White to roughen up. But as the series progresses, he is shown to be more sensitive and has more morals while Walter progresses down a very sociopathic path. His strength and weakness is that he cares a lot for a lot of people and loves a lot, which is what makes him human.

#the society #analysis #series analysis #miscellenous #mr robot #mr. robot #ncis: los angeles #breaking bad #the mandalorian #toxic masculinity

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nfldunn · 3 years

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𝙸 𝚆𝙰𝚂 𝙷𝙴𝚁𝙴—𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖎 𝖒𝖆𝖙𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖊𝖉 roswelltask 002 ( @rocketfm )

𝑂𝑅𝐼𝐺𝐼𝑁𝑆 & 𝐹𝐴𝑀𝐼𝐿𝑌.

Full Name: Gunner Raleigh Dunn

Reason for name: Mostly stereotypical toxic masculinity, Gunner’s father wanted a “strong” sounding name for his son, believing that it would make him strong.

Nickname(s): Gun, Dunn, QB, Midas

Date of Birth: November 1st, 1988

Age: 32

Gender + Pronouns: Cis-Male, He/Him

Place of birth: Rockport, Massachusettes

Parents: Sandra Burns-Dunn & Brock Dunn

Siblings: N/A

Relationship with family (close? estranged?): Estranged. Only currently speaks to his cousin who lives in England, as far as biological family is concerned.

Pets: N/A

𝑃𝐻𝑌𝑆𝐼𝐶𝐴𝐿.

Height: 6 feet, 1 inch

Build: Athletic, Muscular

Nationality: American

Ethnicity: 3/4 White, 1/4 Filipino / Spanish / Catalan / Basque / Chinese

Distinguishing Facial Features: Jawline & Strong, Sometimes Messy Eyebrows

Hair Color: Dark Brown

Usual Hair Style: Messy, usually with a minimal amount of product because he runs his hands through it a lot.

Eye Color: Dark Brown

Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birthmarks, scars): Lightly Tanned, Almost-Olive Skin. A few scars on his hands and also spread over his back and shoulder.

Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Anger Issues & Intermittent nerve issues in his injured shoulder that can, at times, leave him in a sling from pain.

What do they consider their best feature?: His Biceps

Worst they’ve ever been injured (what, how did it happen)?: While the injury that ended his career was by no means the only time he’d been injured badly enough to put him in the hospital, it is the only injury that truly left him with a lasting impact. It was during an important game for the season, when, upon one of his teammates getting their hands on the ball, he’d made the decision to tackle a member of the opposing team because he was in the best position to do so, and save the ball from the other team. But the momentum from the tackle had sent them off the field, and upon realizing where they were heading, he’d shifted his and the other player’s position in the air so he took the brunt of the impact when they collided with something on the sidelines. The impact, mostly focused on his shoulder, effectively shattered the bones there, and he’d needed to be surgically pieced back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

𝐴𝑃𝑃𝐸𝐴𝑅𝐴𝑁𝐶𝐸.

Favorite outfit: Decently tight jeans, white t-shirt, and a leather jacket

Glasses? Contacts?: N/A

Personal Hygiene: Two showers a day - one when he wakes up, and one after his daily workout. He also has a skincare routine that he does every day, twice a day.

Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: He doesn’t usually wear jewelry, but he does have his ears pierced. He has a large tattoo that covers most of his back of a tree - with an intricate root system beneath the “ground” that’s visible, that says “no tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell.” He also has a tattoo of a raven on his non-injured shoulder, with a dragonfly right next to it, and delicate script forming a bracelet around his left wrist that says “you say i killed you - haunt me, then.” because the man is a classical novel nerd. And, finally, he has a roman numeral ‘thirty two’ tattooed on his ribs, near his heart, for his jersey number.

What does their voice sound like?: I’m not even gonna try to explain it, okay, it’s low and gravelly and y’all can listen to it yourself if you really wanna know. The mans straight up sounds like he’s got a sore throat 100% of the time.

Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): He generally speaks fairly quietly - loud enough to be heard, but generally on the quieter side, unless he’s pissed and starts yelling.

Accent?: Classic New England accent. But he also has a tendency to drop the ‘g’s from the end of his words, in a more typical Southern habit.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He has a habit of flexing his hands into fists whenever he’s thinking, but generally, he doesn’t have a ton of habits that are unique to him.

Left handed or right?: He’s ambidextrous, meaning he can use both of his hands equally as well, and doesn’t have a particular instinct towards using either of them.

Do they work out/exercise?: Almost obsessively. He works out every single day, and usually can’t be caught dead skipping a day.

𝐵𝐸𝐿𝐼𝐸𝐹𝑆 & 𝐼𝑁𝑇𝐸𝐿𝐿𝐸𝐶𝑇.

Known Languages: English, French, Filipino, & Spanish

Zodiac: Scorpio

Gifts/talents: He has always been a very talented football player, a natural almost as soon as he’d started playing, and is also quite gifted at chess, though that’s something that no one really knows about him.

Religious stance: Agnostic/Athiest, if not a bit antagonistic towards the idea of a higher power.

Political stance: Liberal, but like with most things, he doesn’t speak of it in public, so no one would really know. Many people in the past assumed he was a conservative because of the sport he played, even though it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Pet peeves: Quiet, easily intimidated people.

Optimist or pessimist: Pessimist

Extrovert or introvert: He has a “switch” he can turn on and off as the situation needs. He’s generally an introvert, but when put into a situation where being an extrovert would help, he can put on an act to become one without much struggle.

𝐼𝑁𝑇𝐼𝑀𝐴𝐶𝑌 & 𝑅𝐸𝐿𝐴𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁𝑆𝐻𝐼𝑃𝑆.

Relationship status: Single

Sexual orientation: Bisexual

Ideal mate/qualities they look for in mate: He generally gravitates towards stronger, more dominant personalities, though it’s been so long since he’s been in a relationship that it’s generally not something he even thinks about anymore. Someone who’s outgoing and can spar with his prickly mood swings is usually who catches his attention, though.

Ever been in love?: Once, and while it ended amicably enough, it ruined his views on relationships.

What’s their love language?: Both physical touch and gift giving.

Most important person in their life?: It’d been his grandmother at one point in his life, but now that she has passed away, he doesn’t really have anyone - a bit of a lone wolf type.

𝑉𝑂𝐶𝐴𝑇𝐼𝑂𝑁.

Level of education: College degree in Classic Studies, with an emphasis on Classic Literature

Profession: Sports Reporter at Rocket Radio Station

Past occupations: Professional Football Player

Dream occupation: N/A

Passions: Football, Reading, Chess

Attitude towards current job: It keeps him occupied for a little every day, and is about as close as he’s comfortable getting to his past career, which he appreciates, but he’s not exactly passionate about it.

Spender or Saver? Why?: He’s a little bit of both. He doesn’t have to worry about money, mostly due to smart investments back when he was famous, but he doesn’t necessarily go around just spending money to spend money. If he wants something, he buys it, and doesn’t really have to think much on it.

Which is more important – money or doing something they love?: He’s never had to choose, because the thing he loved made him money - but if he had to choose, if he could only have one, he’d choose doing something he loved.

𝑆𝐸𝐶𝑅𝐸𝑇𝑆.

Phobias: N/A

Life goals: To fade into oblivion, now

Greatest fears: Intimacy

Most embarrassing thing ever to happen to him/her: Gunner, for the most part, has no shame - so he generally doesn’t find very much, if anything at all, embarrassing.

Something they’ve never told anyone: His animosity towards his father had started forming at a young age, mostly culminating in screaming matches between the two when he was a teenager, and that was why he left Rockport for college and never even considered turning back.

Biggest regret: Not trying to make a long distance relationship work with his high school boyfriend, when he left for college.

Compulsions: N/A

Police/Criminal/Legal record: Nothing that actually landed on a record, but he did spend brief stints in “Family House”, a place for kids (mostly deemed “out of control”) to go when they couldn’t manage to get along with their parents, essentially giving them a safe place to go outside of their home and to give both parents and child a break from the tension, as a substitute for the foster system, but he only ever spent a few days there at a time.

Vices: Alcohol

𝑃𝑅𝐸𝐹𝐸𝑅𝐸𝑁𝐶𝐸𝑆.

Hobbies: Chess

Favorite color: Charcoal Grey

Favorite smell: Motor Oil

Favorite food: Steak and Fries

Favorite book: Pride and Prejudice

Favorite movie: Uncut Gems

Favorite song: (I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew

Coffee or tea?: Coffee

Favorite type of weather: Thunderstorms

Most prized possession: His collection of Super Bowl rings

Most used word or phrase?: Fuck

#roswelltask #♢ gunner dunn ⸴ homesick — and not sure where home is.

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movedkagen · 3 years

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NATSUO TODOROKI STUDY / MASTERPOST .

This is also mostly ripped from discord so if it’s choppy that’s why ---

TRIGGER WARNINGS : DOMESTIC ABUSE, CHILD ABUSE, LOSS OF A SIBLING, ANGER ISSUES, BODY PERCEPTION ISSUES.

Natsuo is loyal. Literally he loves his family so much. like between natsuo and fuyumi, fuyumi has the stronger quirk 100%. Natsuo HAS an ice quirk but he can only freeze things that fit into the palm of his hand...so all he does is make the cola nice and cold before his siblings drink it.

So Natsuo wants to be a family practice doctor and he wants to do outreach work. Pretty much his coping mechanism with being ignored and hating being home is he threw himself really hard into studies, and just did his HW all night in his room. To tune out the yelling anf the negligence. He got good enough grades where he got into University of Tokyo which is good but like basically he almost didn't go bc like.

his relationship w enji is nonexistent. He was an immediate failure in his eyes, he literally SAID enji didn't look him in the eye ever until recently....he never rly saw him or hung around him. and then like. by the time touya was starting to rly get shit / by the time he was "dead" and shouto got burned and rei got sent away natsuo was only five or so. So to Natsuo? enji was just the guy who lived in his house and ruined his life basically. he hated him. he didn't love him at all. He’s hated him since he was a small child. NATSUO WILL NEVER FORGIVE ENJI AND HAS NO DESIRE TO.

Me and Inad have discussed it but because fuyumi is the only girl, Natsuo is the true middle child. The one who was never looked at or spoken to by Enji. And FUCK ENDEAVOR STANS for saying otherwise, but natsuo ISN’T “the only child who wasn’t abused” or the one who “should be the least angry”. Negligence IS child abuse.

As a kid, Natsuo had a stutter. He acted like a baby for a long time. He was also chubby as a kid -- ate a lot to cope. He was always bigger than Touya, and it continues into adulthood --- Natsuo is now. thick / buff. He was a chubby kid growing up, but now he works out and has muscle however he still also stress eats bc premed is hard and gains like 15 pounds during the school year, then loses it during breaks. it's just the way his body is. This is relevant because Natsuo does have extremely low self esteem -- he thinks he’s very plain looking, that his body is big and awkward and ugly (I have him as growing to be 6′6″ at his full height, taller than Enji), and it all stems from Enji’s negligence. At his core, because of his father, Natsuo believes there is absolutely nothing special about him and that physically and personally he is a worthless person.

Natsuo has anger issues unfortunately (as we’ve seen) but does judo to let it out. tbh he storms out of the house a lot because he doesn’t want fuyumi to see him fucking lose it.

me and inad discussed this but but natsuo HAS put a hole in the wall before and Like he was maybe 15 when that happened. it scared the shit out of fuyumi and he felt so upset he literally like. ran away for two days and when he came back he cried rly hard and promised she would never see him lose his temper like that again, so he storms out so she doesn't see him angry. It was the summer before he started high school and as soon as he got into high school he started getting into judo and joined the club for it and that's been his outlet ever since. And whenever he storms out of the house it’s to go do that. He's ashamed of reminding her of endeavor somehow. he knows he’s got enji’s hairstyle and body type, and that contributes to why he hates his appearance so much.

The reason he never brings his S/O around his house is honestly that... he doesn’t like himself when he’s home. ppl love 2 say natsuo has the least right to be mad because enji didn't "abuse him" but don't realize negligence is abuse. it's literally classified as abuse. he was literally born thinking his dad felt he was a disappointment to the point where he didn't talk to him or let him talk to his youngest brother and it HAS an effect on him. natsuo has a lot of self perception issues, he thinks he's ugly and he panics if he doesn't do things perfectly in school and just. is very easily made to feel inferior and puts himself down. he doesn't consider himself special at all. He believes he lacks intrinsic worth as a human being.

Natsuo only went to college after his sister told him to go and do what he wanted to do…I promise you he was going to not go at all and was going to stay home with her until she told him she wanted him to go. BECAUSE natsuo doesn't rly consider enji a member of the family at all, natsuo has this goofy lil quirk where he thinks he's the "man of the house" even tho he asks fuyumi for help with basic things!!! most of the time it's funny but it's honestly just him being protective of her. And natsuo does cope with some perceptions of toxic masculinity --- he’s NOT abusive at all himself, but he’s goofy in the sense that he thinks he has to be the New man of the house, has to take care of his sister, has to never cry or show weakness, all because he’s male.

ENJI TAKES NO PART IN PAYING FOR NATSUO’S TUITION. He doesn’t even agree to go until Fuyumi insists she will use her own money to pay for it, and Natsuo works and studies because he wants to pay her back for every cent someday. Endeavor DOES NOT EVEN KNOW natsuo’s current address or which exact school he attends. natsuo wants it that way, but it’s also important to note that Enji never bothered asking.

Honestly Natsuo and Fuyumi probably argue a lot about endeavor, But that’s okay because they still love each other. Natsuo knows fuyumi puts everyone above herself and rly wants her to be happy, which is why.......frankly.....he’s glad kenta barreled into their lives. Because he’s like this is something Just For Her and I hope she likes him and it works out.

continuing on natsuo hates heroes and he hates his dad and frankly if he had a strong enough quirk he would have probably become like dabi. he really would have and he truly hates endeavor that much.

sb: so u agree with stain? natsuo: idk i just want someone to kill my dad.

Natsuo doesn't forgive endeavor, doesn't fuck with him, and blames him for everything that went wrong in his family. He honestly wants him to die! and he HATES the hero industry bc a literal monster like his father is praised and rewarded and they HELPED COVER UP TOUYA'S DEATH!!!!

and like with natsuo + touya.... time for pain. “Touya told me everything” / “I still hear his voice constantly” ... i think about those quotes always every time i think of natsuo. natsuo was the closest with touya and I truly believe that. He loved him more than anything . He really loved touya so much and he never got over losing him.

kinda like inad hcs fuyumi saw shouto in the kitchen, i think natsuo saw touya last bc the way he describes touya telling him.... natsuo is shaking when he says it like. That shit traumatized him. And he’s just so angry. He did not leave touya. They had to PRY NATSUO OFF OF HIM. Because natsuo is loyal.

like me and inad hc that fuyumi wouldn’t tell Natsuo where rei was for years because she knew even at 9 years old, he would have snuck on a bus to see her. Natsuo is so loyal to his family he loves them so much. He would have done anything for them. He wouldn’t have left Touya. He wouldn't have let touya go without him there. Not anywhere he couldn’t follow. Not even as a child.

and natsuo would NEVER be able to juxtapose that dabi isn't touya. I think the first time he saw Touya he would know but it wouldn’t be like. An instant look. He’s probably seen clips of some of the shit he’s done on tape and it’s always given him this unsettling feeling. But then he looks in his eyes...and he knows his eyes.

I always picture it like Natsuo forgetting however dangerous the surrounding is and chasing after him, he doesn’t even know why he’s running; he knows he wouldn’t stand a chance against him. But he sounds like a child again when he says “Touya?”. He sounds like the annoying, chubby little brother that followed him everywhere. And yeah, he would simply need that confirmation that Touya is alive to take his side because he knows more than fuyumi did. Simply seeing him alive again, and I think he’d know EXACTLY what Dabi wanted to do with Enji.

Dabi trying to scare Natsuo and Natsuo just “Touya cut it out talk to me” / “Touya I’m on your side” and it’s because Natsuo could never EVER see Dabi as a monster once he knows it’s Touya. I don’t think he could ever feel fear based simply on the fact that he loved him that much. Touya was his favorite sibling he followed him around like a puppy and copied everything he did.

Touya is the sibling he was closest to and i think the same in reverse since Natsuo is the one Touya vented to. I think fuyumi was probably really shocked when they were kids and Natsuo would suddenly say he hated enji. that he wished he was dead. She’d gasp and be like "Natsuo!"

But he’s HATED HIS GUTS since he was a little kid. He didn’t grow to resent him either. He basically didn’t care about him/was afraid of him when he was super super young, but the moment touya’s quirk didn’t work out and he was like what, 7-10? I’d say like 7 or 8 when shit started just Not Working. Natsuo was probably 4 or 5 when his own quirk manifested and was weak. Had this initial “why doesn’t dad like me” phase, but Touya just told him once something endeavor did to him or why his skin is starting to scar, and Natsuo instantly went from fear to hate. There was no build he simply hated him from that moment on. That’s how loyal he is!

He said he hated endeavor for the first time when he was five, but anyway i think a lot abt how natsuo like.... has the least ties w them all. That's why I say he’s a true middle child because he doesn’t have anything he’s good at that binds him to the family or makes him especially important to anyone. Like...he CARES about and loves shouto of course but i think if fuyumi weren't there natsuo wouldnt be in the picture at all. He just wouldn’t talk to them. Especially before he started talking to shouto? Absolutely. After now that he talks to him he would definitely stay to hang around him but before?

unfortunately because enji KEPT SHOUTO AWAY FROM THEM i think about how natsuo probably had what inasa felt where he saw shouto's eyes and saw endeavor and like. kept up that distance because of the trauma (tm) and i think when shouto got some friends and got out the house he tried talking to natsuo and natsuo was like "wait...me? you're...talking to me?" and like as soon as shouto started trying to talk to him he was rly receptive and was like shit i have 15 yrs of info to catch up on.

but i rly think that's their relationship bc he literally didn't even know what kinda food shouto liked until now?? but he loves himand has become instantly very protective of him and once again things that because he’s the big brother he HAS to teach him things and be his “positive figure” and frankly I think shouto feels a little thrill whenever natsuo openly shittalks their father because out of all of them natsuo IS the one who hates him the most openly.

#* HOWL » saved.#OK THIS IS THE OTHER ONE.

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archadianskies · 4 years

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Hugs

Detroit: Become Family event ( @dbh-found-family ) Week five: Hugs (Week one: Home; Week two: Safety; Week three: Numbness; Week four: Future)

→ on Ao3

Humans are soft; humans are skin stretched over fat and muscle, with a certain give to them. Androids are solid, they do not have a certain give to them; androids are dermal nano liquid spread over a carbon fibre-reinforced polymer base. There is no softness, no cushioning between the layer of simulated skin and hard plastic casing.

Dermal nano liquid uses nanoparticles in a silicone suspension that change property when electrical currents are run through them at different voltages; the higher or lower the voltage, the harder or softer the nanoparticles bind, allowing the different textures of their skin and hair to be achieved. It bypasses both the need for a permanent solid synthetic coating, creating a better illusion of skin, and the expensive, wasteful need for wigs.

The branch of domestic models programmed to care for children have a thicker dermal nano liquid to simulate a little give to them, so when children embrace them they don’t feel so uncomfortable to hold. Connor is not a domestic model, he was certainly not crafted to be held. He wishes he were, though.

On that cold morning, hours after they won their freedom, Connor had approached Hank at the Chicken Feed. There were far too many things racing through his head as he tried to process it all, but the one thing he remembers so clearly was how soft Hank was when he mimicked his embrace.

Connor had never been held before, had never known what it was to wrap his arms around someone else and squeeze gently as a sign of affection. Hank had cupped his nape and guided him to rest his cheek on his shoulder as he slid an arm around him and Connor knew the definition of ‘embrace’ but it was an altogether entirely different matter to experience it.

Everything he did had been but a mirror to Hank’s actions, everything from the brief, hesitant smile to the tight lingering hug. It was a whole slew of firsts, one after the other, starting from his moment of deviation when he lowered the gun pointed at Markus RK200 all the way to wrapping his arms around Hank and applying the same gentle pressure Hank applied to him.

“Let’s go home, son.” He’d said, and Connor can replay that memory with perfect clarity- an unrivaled advantage of being an android. After that first embrace, Hank has embraced him a further three times: once when Connor legally became Connor Anderson after the passing of the Sentient Life Act, again when he legally became Detective Connor Anderson with the DPD, and then on Christmas Day after exchanging gifts. Connor has come to the conclusion he quite likes hugs; they are a tangible expression of empathy.

Aside from Hank, Connor has received hugs from other androids too. He has received an embrace from each of the Jericho Four at different times for different reasons. Markus Manfred likes to greet him with hugs, treating him like a half-brother since they are both RK units. Simon PL600 offers hugs out of comfort, soothing Connor when he brings news of a difficult case. Josh PL500 has hugged him twice now, both times to reassure him he is not to be held accountable for all his actions before his deviation when Connor aided Josh with the memorial for their fallen. North WR400 has hugged him only once, and it had been more of a leap from behind that turned into him giving her a piggyback across the main thoroughfare on his first visit to Jericho.

It does not come easily to him, though. Connor has never instigated a hug, hasn’t the slightest clue when it would be appropriate to initiate one and how he would even go about signaling his intent.

He wishes it came naturally to him, wishes it were programmed into him so he can offer hugs as freely as the Jericho Four offer hugs to him. He wishes his social programming covered interacting with children rather than just adults, because there have been many a lost child dropped off at the precinct with high stress levels that could, he hazards a guess, be quite receptive to hugs.

Humans need to be held; it is a scientific fact that humans thrive on touch. Connor is the most advanced prototype ever made, and deviant or not he still strives to learn and adapt to his situation and surroundings. Therefore he must practice initiating hugs with the one human in his personal life; Lieutenant Hank Anderson.

“Hank.” It’s a cold January morning and that adds another layer, another possible excuse, to Connor’s request. “May I give you a hug?”

His father looks across the breakfast counter at him, coffee mug in hand, brow cocked. There’s an uncomfortable stretch of silence and Connor feels his stress level rise.

“I should state that you should not feel pressured to give consent just because you are a family member.” Connor says hastily, deciding to just abort the mission altogether. “I am merely asking bec-”

“C’mere kid.” Hank huffs a laugh, putting his mug down and holding out his arms, making a beckoning gesture with his hands. Connor rounds the counter and slots himself into his embrace, squeezing gently.

“I saw you hug Samuel Barlett yesterday to comfort him and lower his stress levels. He was quite distressed while waiting for his parents to pick him up from the precinct.” He explains, voice a little muffled in Hank’s shoulder.

“You’re jealous a five year old got a hug from your dad and you didn’t?” Hank laughs as he pulls away, hands on Connor’s shoulders. “Is that it?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “Well, you’re correct that I felt jealous but more because you know how to embrace people to comfort them and I do not.”

“...So what am I? Hugging practice?” Hank cocks a brow again, expression bemused.

“My friends are other androids and I do not feel comfortable enough asking this of my colleagues as I am not as close with them as I am with my friends.” He explains matter of factly. “Humans are soft, androids are not. I do not want to accidentally harm a human when embracing them by applying too much pressure.”

Hank’s quiet for a moment before he laughs, shaking his head. “Alright alright I’ll be your hugging practice human.” Connor pauses for a moment before leaning in and wrapping his arms around him again. He’ll never tire of it, he discovers.

*~*~*

Hank can’t remember the last time he was held. Well, the last time since Cole’s funeral that is. He’s always been the hugger because he’s big and has a knack for making people feel safe. Cole received countless hugs and he’d give him countless more if only life had been kinder to them both. Sometimes lost kids at the precinct need a comforting cuddle or two, and he’s held the newborns of his colleagues, even bounced them to settle them and rocked them to sleep when their young parent was run off their feet with a case.

It’s different when it’s not a kid though, it means putting some polite distance between him and the other person. It’s reduced to a squeeze of a hand, a shoulder, a comforting pat on the back. It’s hard when they clearly need a hug but it’s not his place to offer one.

Is it any wonder he hasn’t been on the receiving end of an embrace in so long, not when he was pouring his career down the drain as he poured alcohol down his throat. It’s what he deserves, but at least there’s still Sumo at home. Poor dog deserves better though.

Everything changes when he’s dragged kicking and screaming into a front row seat to the android revolution. At first the only feeling coursing through his veins is pure hatred that some clever pricks programmed an android to play pretend detective. It even buys him one for the road and the amusement wins over the anger, but only just.

And then it’s not like that at all, it becomes a rollercoaster ride of emotions and he’s forced to check his prejudices at the door when the Android Sent By CyberLife behaves more like a human than some humans he’s had the displeasure of meeting. Connor is alive, Connor is brave and confused and torn between doing what he’s been ordered to, and deciding for himself. Hank realises he’s on the wrong side of history, and that needs to change.

Connor remembers Cole. It’s what saves him from his doppelganger, and what saves Hank in a roundabout way. It’s what leads to him waiting outside the Chicken Feed at fuck-off o’clock in the morning when hell’s frozen over and he can’t feel his fingers. It’s what leads him to pulling that wonderfully alive young man into his arms and squeezing him close and feeling him tremble, feeling him fall apart as if the weight of the revolution has finally caught up.

Connor-the-Android-Sent-By-CyberLife becomes ‘just’ Connor, RK800 Assistive Unit, to Connor Anderson, to Detective Connor Anderson. Hank loves him, this bright young man with an equally bright future ahead of him and enough sarcasm and wit to give Hank a headache trying to keep up. His house feels like a home at last and less like a tomb.

There’s something to be said, probably a lot of scientific journals and think-pieces and dissertations, about how the average American White Male is touch-starved as a result of toxic masculinity and homophobia. Hank can’t remember the last time he was held after Cole’s funeral but that changes after Connor decides he actually likes hugging and would like to hug people more. And that means practicing on Hank because Hank is, well, squishy in a way androids aren’t. And no he’s not about to admit aloud how it nearly shatters him when Connor wraps his arms around him at breakfast, that very first time he asks if it’s alright to do so.

After that, with permission permanently granted, Connor starts to hug him in greeting and in parting, pairing it with good mornings and hellos and be safes and see you laters. At first he doesn’t apply more than gentle pressure, probably too scared to hurt Hank with his inhuman strength, but what he does do, always, is mush his cheek on Hank’s shoulder the way Hank had guided him to do that fateful morning after the revolution.

It takes a lot of practice, mainly because Hank nitpicks his technique a lot, before he says Connor’s finally got the hang of it. Only on pain of death would he ever admit it’s really just because he hadn’t been held in so long and assumed he’d never be held ever again.

Life can change in the blink of an eye, in a moment, an hour, a day, a week, a month. It has a predictably unpredictable way of keeping people on their toes and Hank goes from trying to come to terms with his late fatherhood, and then with his grief, and then with an android revolution, and then with his new family with his new android son- and then it’s one freezing February morning and he’s rescuing the brother of his android son, and then he has two sons.

Two androids take on the Anderson surname. Hank thinks he’s really seen it all in his fifty-five years on this godforsaken earth, having survived 2020, but apparently not. ‘Rescuing the younger brother of your new android son from an illegal android cage fighting ring’ somehow tops ‘adopting an android as your son’ and it’s only been three months.

Ronan is far more skittish than his older brother despite being built to be far more powerful. The boy could probably crush a car with his bare hands, not that he wants to. He even turned down a job with the DPD, of working with his brother and father, in favour of becoming an android first responder and trauma surgeon for both humans and androids. He chooses to use hands built for violence, to save and nurture instead. He gets a big hug for that, Hank makes sure of it.

This also means Hank becomes the human dummy for yet another android, so that’s more practice and more tutoring to perfect the highly coveted technique. There’s a little less joking this time, and no sarcasm at all because the boy’s lived through enough abuse, enough humans spouting lies that he can’t discern between things said in jest and outright disdain. There’s something joyful though, something that fills him with parental pride, when the younger android learns to reach out without fear of physical reprimand and seek affection.

He calls them kiddo, boy, son, and they’re somehow both grown men and young boys at the same time. They can run circles around him, physically and mentally, but emotionally all deviants are more like newborn foals wobbling around. Life stole Cole away from far too soon and he never got to see Cole grow and graduate and find his feet in the world.

They’re not replacements for Cole, not by any means, but he’s always wanted to be a father, to raise children to be good and kind. In a way he’s been given a second chance- two of them, actually.

*~*~*

The RK units do not need as much time to recharge as others, though Connor finds sleep is a fine indulgence. He rises from sleep mode at 5am because it’s nice to watch the sunrise from the living room. He expects to see Sumo rouse a little, grouse a little, before rolling over to sleep again. What he doesn’t expect to see is his father sitting at the kitchen table.

There’s a small photo frame in his hands and Connor realises today is the 23rd of September; Cole Anderson’s birthday. Today would have been his tenth birthday. Connor lingers in the doorway, taking note of Hank’s hunched posture, the faraway look in his eyes, and the slow, tender way he’s rubbing his thumb over Cole’s face.

He steps forward, keeping his steps heavy so as to alert the human of his presence before he slowly wraps his arms around his father from behind, resting his chin on the crook of his shoulder. Reaching out, he gently touches his fingers to the smudged glass as if tousling Cole’s hair.

“Happy birthday, Cole.” He keeps his voice soft and gentle. “You’ll be pleased to know dad actually got a haircut on time last Thursday. The mop is a thing of the past.”

Hank snorts, huffing a not-quite laugh as he elbows Connor. “You little shit.”

There’s movement behind them; Ronan getting ready to leave because today he’s rostered to work at Detroit Metro instead of Jericho and he’ll need time to travel. The younger RK brother joins them at the table, leaning down to embrace both his brother and father. He doesn’t use his voice often, but he knows it’s important to use it in times like these.

“Happy birthday Cole. Rest easy, we’ll take care of dad today.”

#hank anderson #dbh connor #rk900 #Detroit: Become Human #detroit: become family event #annie writes: dbh

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natsunoomoi · 4 years

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More SVSSS stuff because I just watched ep 5. I’m not in a position at the moment to pay for the VIP pass and plus it’s like one show that I’d be paying for, so eh. I think I can wait.

The highlight for me is definitely always just looking at Shen Qingqiu’s face. I really like how he looks. Like when they show grown Luo Binghe he looks nice too, but it’s not that often. When Liu Qingge comes out of the cave I’ll probably enjoy the eye candy for every episode thereafter. I’m not normally really like this, so I think the aesthetics of this show just touch on something very comfortable deep in the recesses of my memory of some kung fu movie I watched with my Dad as a young child that imprinted on me so I have a very specific weakness for men with that kind of a look.

I also have a very specific weakness for villain characters that have a kind of redemption or a complicated past with some inklings of maybe they could be redeemed even if overall they were kind of a dick for at least a portion of their lives. This is my Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho weakness that almost universally applies to almost all my interests in life. I think the idea that Shen Jiu set his owner’s house on fire and killed them all except for his friend relates rather strongly to that because that is the thing that Hiei ulitimately decided not to do, but was the thing the Koorime in Hyouka no Kuni feared. Except Shen Jiu acted on it.

But like Shen Jiu supposedly could have been saved if the original’s author was a better writer and wasn’t writing a bullshit stallion novel. Like the fact that he saved Haitang is a compelling example of how his heart wasn’t completely cold. Of course she was his fiancee and people kind of are iffy about if they really were, but like they probably were between each other. Even if he was a slave, she lived in his house and she was his friend and they talk to each other. Naturally if you get along with each other really well, maybe as kids you just say, “When I grow up, I want to marry you.” Then because they’re friends and they like each other, they agree and they plan it that way. Just between them. Nothing to do with her family or the reality of the situation. Just two cute kids making a promise innocently. But like with that backdrop, it’s kind of understandable that he would save her from his slaughter and the fire that he set to destroy her family house. The interesting thing is that he never once in his entire time living there or even in the aftermath tried to tell her what her family was really like and what they did to him. He left her to hate him for what he did and assume that her family was innocent and the attack was unprovoked. He didn’t do anything to destroy her image of her loved ones.

It’s really sad how strong his mistrust for other men is, but that’s trauma too. We’re not really given specifics of how exactly he lived as a slave. We know that he was the 9th one bought, but he likely slept in close quarters with other slaves because it’s not like a noble family would give a whole lot to their slaves and amenities were probably sparse. For very different reasons, the disciple quarters even on Qing Jing Peak are probably similar. Sparse to focus on training and cultivation and close because of the number of disciples and just the overall situation. Even if the quarters had relatively more space than his slave quarters, that does sound too similar for it to be a huge trauma trigger for him on top of being surrounded by mostly other males. Self-isolation as a result of the trauma and hyper focusing on just his cultivation as a means to survive and get by day by day and create the foundation for his entire identity and basically it’s definitely the set up for disaster and all of Shen Jiu’s problems socially that lead him to being the main villain for the original story. It’s very sad. If only Yue Qingyuan tried to actually talk with him more instead of apologizing. I know he probably figured ultimately his excuse doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t, but Shen Jiu really needed help and to feel like his whole world wasn’t cold. Just knowing that he was in his friend’s thoughts and he tried to come back maybe could have eased his suffering even a little and start to build up a new level of trust again for him in particular but even for men in general. It’s sad as well that no mentors in his time there as a disciple ever like kind of noticed and tried to like just talk to him. I know he keeps his cards close and probably didn’t show outwardly he was struggling, but like how come no one asked how come he was spending so much time at the Warm Red Pavilion with women? That’s strange right? No one was concerned? I mean, like even if ultimately you say, it’s up to you if you want to keep going and that’s your business, still maybe ask and be like, “Hey, so I notice you’re not sleeping along with the other disciples and spend every night with the ladies over there? Uh, what’s up?” I think like for his teachers that might have been an important thing they should have done, but no one did? That seems like a big plothole to me that he was allowed to just continue like that with no one asking even once or showing concern that the top disciple of Qing Jing Peak was not socializing with the other disciples or sleeping in the same quarters as them. I’m surprised even not one of the ladies in the Pavilion even asked why he was there every night. I mean, I’m sure they wouldn’t want to shoo a way a client, but like no one asked even like one time? I understand from the meta point of view that plothole is probably there on purpose to show how the original’s author was a dumpster fire to create a horrible world of super toxic masculinity as an ouroboros eating itself, but jfc I really feel bad for Shen Jiu that he was made to feel such suffering as a result of absolutely shit writing just to make him an enemy for Demon Binghe.

Oh and he just had a shit first cultivation master too. What the hell with the horrible luck. This poor kid is just trying to survive and he just gets a raw deal.

But I suppose that’s also like a masterful backstory on MXTX’s part to make us root for Shen Yuan’s rewrite and create a happy life for “Qingqiu” that he wasn’t able to make himself. He did it initially for his own self-interest, but the Qingqiu everyone knows in the end is much more well-adjusted. I’m still sad though that it feels like that means original Shen Jiu still left that world with Shen Yuan replacing him only knowing sadness.

So then I was poking around the tags on here and saw someone had a theory that original Shen Jiu got punted from his timeline and turning into Shen Yuan who knows the whole story and then dies and gets put into his old body. I actually buy this, but my version of the timeline is different. Like I was thinking Shen Jiu-Qingqiu died as a human stick under all the torture and everything and then became reborn as Shen Yuan reading through his whole life and mistakes through a horribly written story and then dying via food poisoning and brought into his own old life with a chance to redeem himself. I really like this idea except that Shen Jiu seems really, really straight and Shen Yuan may be a bit more fluid.

But all this to say, that I have an itch in a confluence of all of my weaknesses to want to really comfort Shen Jiu. ;o; There’s a small part of me that while enjoying Shen Yuan’s rewrites, also really wished Shen Jiu could have been happier so he didn’t turn into such a dick because literally no one else around him seemed to do anything except let him fuck himself over including the people who supposedly cared about him. So very sad. T_T

And then maybe this should be in a different post that’s a different topic. I kind of touched on a bit how the image of the situation probably doesn’t look great, but it looks like some people are like bashing on the Bingqiu ship? It’s the canon ship for one, so just stop there.

But if you really want to go into it, as another person pointed out, the actual teacher-student relationship was between original Qingqiu and Binghe. We’re reading a different situation because it’s Shen Yuan who was a Binghe fanboy who has the relationship with Binghe. The imaging isn’t great because he’s in and controlling Qingqiu’s body, and the rest of the characters in the world don’t know this, but the meta reading of this is that it’s okay because it’s a different person actually. In world, the other characters do probably find it a little odd and the issue with Qingge in the succubus cave as I mentioned before, he’s probably panicking when the succubus mentions that Qingqiiu’s love interest is a junior because he can only think of himself as that role and didn’t think to include a disciple into that description. It doesn’t seem like it’s completely unheard of or taboo though because there seems to be some implications that maybe Shen Jiu originally had some kind of designs on Ning Yingying because he’s also a bit jealous of Binghe for getting her attention too? A large part of his jealousy comes from his insecurity with his cultivation and other people having more advantage or potential to surpass him despite his hard work, because again trauma and hyper focusing on building his entire identity around one thing and no one helping him, but like also seems in this world there’s some leeway between teacher-student relations turning into something else. This is not really a normal kind of situation where they go into a modern school or anything. A lot of the disciples were probably at one point also juniors to their master before they graduated to become a lord, and when they grow enough to end their disciple term and can become more independent cultivators they’re not really obligated to stick by such a standard because they’re adults. Like maybe they hang around the sect still and work as like someone they happen to send out on demon slaying missions if they choose to stay instead of going off somewhere and it functions a bit more like an army in that regard where they’re not really learning anything new or getting any new instruction, but they’re still kind of a disciple. It’s not a perfect 1:1 relation to teacher-student relationships because of the structure of cultivation sects. It’s not great in the army to have a relationship with your CO either, but the point in the story when their relationship develops is more like that. But like Mingfan probably eventually would go back to his family and just live out a noble life because he is a noble, so it’s not like all the disciples would stay and perpetually be students forever. There’s some very important distinctions at play here in the story that the people who object to this aren’t understanding.

Like this isn’t like an actual school like in Harry Potter or something where the kids all go off to Hogwarts and there are actual students and teachers and every Peak is like a Hogwarts House. They’re learning and the peak lord gives them some level of instruction, but there’s also a great deal of independent study because cultivation is very personal and bound by natural talent and how much you put into it. The fact that everyone has their own manual should tell you a lot about the structure and how it’s okay for Qingqiu to leave for 3 years to go meditate in a cave. The masters in these situations are more like more well studied seniors who just have more experience and have been appointed to help you get unstuck or something because they have more experience to troubleshoot. There’s some authority carried with that as well, but it’s a very different experience from like a boarding school, so such a relationship is not entirely taboo. It’s not perfect because if you’re still trying to play the old roles at the same as your new role as a partnership that can get kind of weird, but it can work out if there’s communication involved as with generally all things.

So yeah, Bingqiu is actually okay, and rather than harping on something that’s not an issue, I think the more interesting discussion is how obligated a person is to be faithful to a different person’s life if they end up in their body. Like for body swap movies where the change is temporary they’re always like “Hey, don’t f up my life!” But like this is a permanent change where Shen Yuan was inserted into Qingqiu’s life after he was already established. What is the philosophical theory to how much he should keep up Qingqiu’s responsibilities and how much freedom should he exert for his own desires? That’s the real question. I think the balance he struck became ultimately more happy for everyone in the sect, so eh.

I realize a lot of this is not related to the episode, but the episode is just a continuation of the sparring match and nothing much else to say about it. The most interesting thing is getting to see a flashback of the original Qingqiu and getting a better idea of who he was like instead of the Shen Yuan version we know.

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mandarinastronaut · 5 years

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Homoromantic subtext in ‘The Goldfinch’

The Goldfinch is a novel written by Donna Tartt, published in 2013. It follows the characters Theodore Decker and Boris Pavlikovsky. The relationship between the two is a bit controversial. Literary critics have completely ignored the implications of a romance.

Let’s start with Theo’s toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia. Since the Tumblr user @borispav has already made an excellent analysis regarding the subject, I’m going to quote them.

”…Internalized homophobia is a fear and aversion toward homosexuality that is felt by a member of said sexuality. It’s an inclination toward projection, a way of securing confidence and self-image (two things which are threatened both systematically and socially) by registering one’s own sexual identity as a flaw in other people.

Toxic masculinity (or hegemonic masculinity) is a series of behaviors and traits found in men who have been molded by the ideologies of patriarchy. This mode of thinking presents a set of standards and conventions which men are expected to both adhere to and promote interpersonally.

When it comes to men, the ultimate goal—in both these cases— is to embody the widely advertised image of what is considered to be a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ man. This man is able-bodied and strong (both physically and mentally). This man fulfills the roles expected of his gender. He is ‘masculine’ in that he does not cry nor outwardly express any emotions outside of anger and lust. As a child he is sociable and sporty. He has many friends and does not struggle with fitting in. As a teen he is rowdy and full of life, armed to the teeth with a ‘healthy’ sex drive; the ultimate manifestation of the phrase “boys will be boys”. As an adult he is married and financially stable. He is on his way to achieving the American Dream: a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a wife that he feels responsible for protecting. He is straight and always has been.”

”Naturally interwoven amongst the pillars of toxic masculinity sits homophobia and its internalized counterpart. Heterosexuality, after all, is a core part of being a ‘normal’ male. Any other errant attraction is therefore meant to be deftly identified and expunged.

Given the sexual nature several of Theo’s fears toward masculinity take on, I believe it is more than safe to assume that he struggles with accepting and acknowledging his own sexuality (whether it be bisexuality or homosexuality, I don’t have a definite stance) as it is at odds with what has been presented as ‘normal’ male behavior.

Sexuality very nearly serves as an antagonist in this novel. It’s depicted as an emotionally draining entity, a wildness, a physical allure, tangible threat, and elusive dream. Theo is almost always at war with it—a sort of subplot to the story that mainly reveals itself in behavior and attitude, rather than direct dialogue or thought.

Sometimes the terror Theo harbors toward homosexuality (and, at its core, his own sexuality) is visceral enough to manifest itself as a palpable real-life danger. For example, aside from being verbally and emotionally abused by kids at school, Theo is also able to recall an instance where several boys held him down and attempted to sodomize him with a stick of deodorant (615). This memory, like the other, is mentioned in a passing, blasé, way. However, the fact that Theo remembers it at all as an adult—and in enough detail to recall the exact names of his aggressors— speaks to the experience’s traumatic weight.

In a similar vein, we have Theo’s negative re-entry into New York: the two different adult men who were implied child molesters (who cornered Theo and physically chased him down the street) serving as more literal manifestations of his own homophobia (404-409). This is the fear, and false pretense, that gay men are ‘perverts’ or ‘child molesters’ brought to life. It’s Theo’s repressed sexuality taunting and confronting him in a brutal, nightmarish, form; an expected effect of having been taught that a part of his identity is inherently ‘bad’ and unremovable.

This, and the bullying incident, are two prime examples of a fairly common literary technique used in which a character’s strongest fears or desires are made physical, rather than just emotional. Such a device works to symbolize/convey their fervency, demonstrate just how pressing and real they are to the afflicted character.”

A few examples of Theo’s internalized homophobia:

He can’t tell his doormen he’s going to miss them, because he thinks it would sound ”gay”. (238)

He feels uncomfortable in the cab because the driver saw Boris kissing him. (396)

He’s embarrassed to be seen with Popper because the breed is seen as ”feminine ” or “gay”. (402)

He’s distraught when Boris asks if he’s Hobie’s partner. (615)

“As for the internalized homophobia, it’s as ever-present as ever in his adulthood. In fact, I think it actually might even be morepronounced and focused than it was in his youth, when his fears primarily manifested themselves in vague and ambiguous ways. As an adult, his aversion is blunt and easy to identify. He graduates from steering clear of things that might insinuate homosexuality, to steering clear of gay men almost altogether. He’s able to acknowledge that they tend to make him uncomfortable, but in terms of trying to understand or mediate on why this is so, little is done. Instead he deems it suffice to drop in a few cursory sentences here and there whilst on the subject of something else, leaving it at that. No bigger picture is addressed, and no critical issue is implied.

For example, what we get are brief and loaded anecdotes like the following:

“I’d inherited my mother’s light-colored eyes, which short of sunglasses at gallery openings made it pretty much impossible to hide pinned pupils—not that anybody in Hobie’s crowd seemed to notice, except (sometimes) a few of the younger, more with-it gay guys— ‘You’re a bad boy,’ the bodybuilder boyfriend of a client had whispered into my ear at a formal dinner, freaking me out thoroughly. And I dreaded going up to the Accounts department at one of the auction houses because one of the guys there—older, British, an addict himself—was always hitting on me.” (472)

The sheer weariness and disdain with which he views threats to his heterosexuality is palpable here. There’s something almost sinister and deceptive about the way he chooses to portray these scenarios, something nightmarish in the way both men seem to be implicitly taunting him, confronting or incriminating him with the knowledge of a secret he pretends not to know. Both cases are clearly sources of great distress to him, as he feels the need to bring them up in context of something that didn’t exactly need the reference. It’s all fine and good that he mentions the "younger gay guys” noticing his pinned pupils, since the topic of thought was drugs, but then to go off and suddenly engage in the quotation of very specific dialogue (“you’re a bad boy”), and the discussion of very specific fears (being hit on by a guy), suggests that there is some deeper trauma demanding acknowledgment at the root. Theo is bothered by this. He is tormented by this. He uses the word dread (dread!!) to try and convey just how much he does not want to be in the same vicinity as someone who may act upon the assumption that he’s gay. (He wants us to assume that’s only because he’s confidently straight and doesn’t want the attention, but we know, in truth, that it’s because he’s both afraid and enraged at someone knowing and confronting him with such an unbidden part of himself).

Either way, it’s clear that he’s aware of the irrational severity of these fears, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought them up of his own volition or chosen to detail the day-to-day effects of their disproportionally crippling nature (i.e. him now despairing a certain department of his work environment). So yes, at some subconscious level, he knows that this isn’t normal, that he is stunted, emotionally, in some way. However, as I said before, he doesn’t ever think about why this is. He doesn’t try to find the problem, or even allude to there possibly being some small discrepancy in the way he’s always perceived his sexual identity. His aversion toward gay men simply remains a ‘mystery issue’, something of obvious weight that Theo wants us to feel, but not know. (Though, we know what it is anyway.)

And as if all this wasn’t obvious enough, we also get the very particular way in which Boris is framed in reference to Kitsey. He reenters Theo’s life right as Theo’s in a crisis over her, the engagement, and the fact that he’s not in love. And I mean this literally; Theo runs into Boris at St. Marks because he’d been on a walk in efforts to find ease of mind, a refuge from the daunting prospect of upcoming marriage (525). What he does find is Boris. Boris, who then, briefly, assumes the role of a hero— the knight in shining armor who’s come to sweep Theo up and away from the worldly snares of expectation and social-rule. This image is only further enforced when Boris comes billowing into his life again at the engagement party, graciously saving him from what (to Theo) was a downright nightmarish scenario. “Let’s get out of here,” is what Boris implores of him, leading them both to the door excitedly (635). Theo’s immediate response is to recognize that this is what he’s been unknowingly hoping this entire time, that Boris’ plea to run away from the engagement party with him is the “only thing that has made sense” to him all night (635). This is the ever-warring sides of illusion and reality at direct confrontation with each other. Choosing to stay at the party would imply that he has an unwavering loyalty to Kitsey (as in to heterosexuality/convention), while choosing to leave would imply that there are other, more genuine, desires drawing him away to something else at heart (his love for Boris, his lust for that wild edge; life without restraint and rule).

Theo chooses to leave. Or, I should probably say, he has no choice but to leave. When given such an enchanting window of escape, at such a precise moment of emotional distress and internal turmoil, it is impossible to resist. Of course his instinct would be to leave with Boris, even without knowing the details of their destination or circumstance. There’s an innate trust and draw that has been built up inside him from their Vegas years; Boris knows the deepest parts of Theo inside and out, and there are little to no other people in his life that he is tied to like that, little to no people that would provide the same type of relief from social-performance and self-deception as Boris would. On instinct (on instinct) Theo is true to himself for once. He physically runs after the thing he prefers, the thing it is that he actually wants. However, I do emphasize ‘on instinct’ because this is certainly more of a one-time, impulsive, occurrence than it is anything else. In the end it’s still Kitsey who Theo deems worthy of a suicide-note, not Boris. It’s still Kitsey who, despite everything, he continues to remain on the fence about all the way through the end of the novel. So, yes, it’s evident that the instinct (to be honest with himself, to go after what he wants etc.) is there, that—even after all these years—it still remains strong enough to be acknowledged and acted upon. However, the pressures of compulsive heterosexuality and toxic masculinity have not lessened their grip either, and, in the end, they are the ones that win.”

(all of this was from the amazing @borispav ‘s blog, thank you for letting me quote you!)

The story is told in retrospect and therefore is completely dependent on memory. Well memory, as we all know, isn’t very reliable. You forget, remember something incorrectly, manipulate and so forth. It is also sort of implied that Theo’s been using all sorts of substances, from hard drugs to alcohol. On the pages 622-623 we find out that Theo’s a ‘black-out’ drunk (he passes out and forgets things). Boris brings up the painting which baffles Theo since he himself has shown it to Boris but completely forgotten about it. Just the fact that he’s forgotten something so insanely important and significant, makes it more than possible that there are other important things he’s forgotten about. Theo tells us that he’s written the book for his mother, and in the hopes that Pippa would read it one day. This makes him quite biased and sets up an agenda for him, therefore implying that he’s willing to manipulate the story to fit his purposes. And because he’s trying to convince everyone (mostly himself, but also the reader) that he’s in love with Pippa, it wouldn’t make much sense for him to write about the true feelings he has for Boris. Though it’s very clear that he doesn’t actually love her. He even says this on page 570;

”Worse: my love for Pippa was muddied-up below the waterline with my mother, with my mother’s death, with losing my mother and not being able to get her back. All that blind, infantile hunger to save and be saved, to repeat the past and make it different, had somehow attached itself, ravenously, to her. There was an instability in it, a sickness. I was seeing things that weren’t there. I was only one step away from some trailer park loner stalking a girl he’d spotted in the mall. For the truth of it was: Pippa and I saw each other maybe twice a year; we e-mailed and texted, though with no great regularity; when she was in town we loaned each other books and went to the movies; we were friends; nothing more. My hopes for a relationship with her where wholly unreal, whereas my ongoing misery, and frustration, were an all-too-horrible reality. Was groundless, hopeless, unrequited obsession any way to waste the rest of my life?”

Even if you were to interpret it differently (Theo actually being in love with her, or at least being sexually attracted to her) it still doesn’t overrule Theo’s love for Boris (Theo could be bi-, pan-, or polysexual etc.).

Now when talking about Boris’ internalized homophobia, it’s not as severe as Theo’s. He’s a lot more accepting and openminded. On page 314. Boris brings up homosexuality;

”…Old poofter?” he asked. I was taken aback. ”No,” I said swiftly, and then; ”I don’t know.” ”Doesn’t matter,” said Boris, offering me the jar. ”I’ve known some sweet olf poofters.” ”I don’t think he is,” I said uncertainly. Boris shrugged. ”Who cares? if he is good to you? None of us ever find enough kindness in the world, do we?“

It’s very clear that by bringing up homosexuality casually like this, he wants to hear how Theo feels about it. This dialogue also tells us that Boris is a lot more accepting than Theo, who’s shocked and troubled by the idea of Hobie being gay.

Boris doesn’t have trouble expressing his feelings, he often even exaggerates them.

Boris says he’s in love with Kotku even though he doesn’t know her (326)

Boris says that he ”loves” Kotku and that she’s ”the truestthing that has ever happened” to him (328).

Boris says that the 'fight’ he and Kotku had, was ”only out of love”, and that they realized ”how much they loved each other” (360).

Boris tells Theo how he and KT became ”so close” in one night, and how they ”opened up their hearts” for each other (602).

Boris says that Bobo was like a father to him (613).

Boris is telling Theo about his tattoo, and says this; ”…This is for Katya, love of my life. I loved her more than any woman I ever knew.” To which Theo responds with; ”You say that about everybody.” Theo’s comment proves that this is something Boris does all the time.

But with Theo, he can express himself only through action, rather than words. It’s important to bear this in mind whenever interpreting his actions.

Quoting the Tumblr user @queer-deckovskij ;

”…Part II of The Goldfinch Book contains the chapters Badr al-Dine and Wind, Sand and Stars, in which Boris and Theo meet, go on adventures, live a pair of year together, fight, love each other, then say goodbye. These 200 pages are introduced by a quote Donna put right before chapter 5, that comes from the poet Arthur Rimbaud and says,

When we are very strong, - who draws back? very gay*, - who cares for ridicule? When we are very bad, - what would they do with us?

So where do I start? This quote accurately depicts Boris’ and Theo’s friendship in a way that takes my breath away. It contains all the force and stubbornness and courage of the angry youth they represent. She couldn’t have picked a better quote to represent them. But that’s not all. The small poem doesn’t end here - Donna cut the second part of it, which says,

Deck yourself, dance, laugh. I could never throw Love out of the window.

Yes, the poem used to represent Theo and Boris’ relationship is a love poem. I think it’s really important the notion of who Arthur Rimbaud was. He lived in France during the 19th century and while still very young he had a homosexual affair with another poet, named Paul Verlaine; they ran off together and for quite some time they shared a really unhealthy and irregular life, mostly based on drugs and alcohol and dangerous experiences. Les Poètes maudits, yes? They lived in the same house for a few years and ended up splitting up in quite a violent way (Verlaine shot Rimbaud twice). Does this experience remind you of someone? A couple of guys who drank beer and did drugs like it was a packet of chips and a bottle of pepsi? Inserting that quote, Donna Tartt literally compared Theo and Boris to Rimbaud and Verlaine. Which means that, officially, Theo and Boris’s love was not a platonic one.

*I do not know if Donna inserted this translation or a more neutral one, like cheerful or jolly; the original French poem uses the word gai, which literal translates as gay.”

When Boris starts dating Kotku, Theo is forced to think about what his and Boris’ relationship was for the first time. Though, it’s already been implied earlier that Theo might have a crush on Boris.

Subtext of Theo’s attraction toward Boris;

He’s staring at Boris’ stomach (272).

He’s staring at Boris’ neck (284).

He’s staring at Boris who’s wearing nothing but Theo’s underwear (307).

He’s staring at Boris’ shirtless chest (308).

He’s staring at Boris’ lower abdomen (383).

Theo is jealous of Kotku, he’s even depicted as a pissed ‘house-wife’.

Page 327; ”…But what did bother me -a lot- was how Kotku (I’ll continue to call her by the name Boris gave her, since I can’t now remember her real name) had stepped in overnight and virtually assumed ownership of Boris. First he was busy on Friday night. Then it was the whole weekend–not just the night, but the day too. Pretty soon, it was Kotku this and Kotku that, and the next thing I knew, Popper and I were eating dinner and watching movies by ourselves.”

(Theo’s been depicted as a ‘house-wife’ before on page 277.)

Even though he’s feeling jealous and left behind, he still tries to convince himself and the reader that their relationship was nothing but platonic, that he doesn’t really care whether Boris has a girlfriend or not. Still, it isn’t so simple. He can’t find a right word to describe their relationship.

”…But who cared what crappy girl Boris liked? Weren’t we still friends? Best friends? Brothers practically? Then again: there was not exactly a word for Boris and me. Until Kotku came along, I had never thought too much about it.” (333)

If their relationship was really platonic, Boris having a girlfriend wouldn’t affect their “friendship” or “brotherhood” in the slightest.

Theo’s projecting into Boris because of his internalized homophobia. We find out that Theo doesn’t mind Boris showing physical affection, and that he even enjoys it (it’s the only thing that calms him down from his nightly terrors). This is something that he doesn’t want to admit. He’s constantly trying to convince the reader that there aren’t any stronger, possibly romantic, feelings attached. It’s actually quite comedic.

”The funny thing: I’d worried, if anything, that Boris was the one who was a little too affectionate, if affectionate is the right word. The first time he’d turned in bed and draped an arm over my waist, I lay there half-asleep for a moment, not knowing what to do: staring at my old socks on the floor, empty beer bottles, my paperbacked copy of The Red Badge of Courage. At last–embarrassed–I faked a yawn and tried to roll away, but instead he sighed and pulled me closer, with a sleepy, snuggling motion. Shh, Potter, he whispered, into the back of my neck. Is only me. It was weird. Was it weird? It was; and it wasn’t. I’d fallen back to sleep shortly after, lulled by his bitter, beery unwashed smell and his breath easy in my ear. I was aware I couldn’t explain it without making it sound like more than it was. On nights when I woke strangled with fear there he was, catching me when I started up terrified from the bed, pulling me back in the covers beside him, muttering in nonsense Polish, his voice throaty and strange with sleep. We’d drowse off in each other’s arms, listening to music from my iPod (Thelonious Monk, The Velvet Underground, music my mother had liked) and sometimes wake clutching each other like castaways or much younger children.” (335)

In the end, we finally find out that they’ve even been sexually intimate. Since this is something they’ve done regularly, it’s more than safe to say that they’re at least sexually attracted to each other. Still, Theo keeps projecting into Boris, saying that he’s the one ”who might have the wrong idea”.

“…And yet (this was the murky part, this was what bothered me) there had also been other, way more confusing and fucked-up nights, grappling around half-dressed, weak light from the bathroom and everything haloed and unstable without my glasses: hands on each other, rough and fast, kicked-over beers foaming on the carpet–fun and not that big of a deal when it as actually happening, more than worth it for the sharp gasp when my eyes rolled back and I forgot about everything; but when we woke the next morning stomach-down and groaning on opposite sides of the bed it receded into an incoherence of backlit flickers, choppy and poorly lit like some experimental film, theunfamiliar twist of Boris’s features fading from memory already and none of it with any more bearing on our actual lives than a dream. We never spoke of it; it wasn’t quite real; getting ready for school we threw shoes, splashed water at each other, chewed aspirin for our hangovers, laughed and joked around all the way to the bus stop. I knew people would think the wrong thing if they knew, I didn’t want anyone to find out and I knew Boris didn’t either, but all the same he seemed so completely untroubled by it that I was sure it was just a laugh, nothing to take too seriously or get worked up about. And yet, more than once, I had wondered if I should step up my nerve and say something: draw some kind of line, make things clear, just to make absolutely sure he didn’t have the wrong idea. But the moment had never come. Now there was no point in speaking up and being awkward about the whole thing, though I scarcely took comfort in the fact.” (335-336)

Boris feels troubled because his and Theo’s relationship has become so intimate. He’s not sure if Theo feels the same way about him, and that creates a lot of stress and confusion for him. He makes a subconscious decision to resolve the situation by jumping into an impulsive relationship with Kotku (there aren’t any strong feelings attached). The relationship is completely physical, (they’re sexually attracted to each other, that’s it) even though Boris tries to convince Theo it isn’t so. Soon after they start dating, they begin to argue like an old married couple. It even goes so far that Boris punches Kotku (in the face).

Then Theo’s dad dies, and Theo has to leave Vegas in order to avoid his worst nightmare; social workers. Tartt depicts the 'goodbye’ scene quite dramatically, starting it with Boris humming a song by The Velvet Underground called After Hours. The song is about, you guessed it, unwilling goodbyes, love etc. By inserting this song to the very start, Tartt creates the perfect atmosphere for the whole scene, implying that there are strong romantic feelings between the two. They’ve listened to the song together, and so, Boris tries to manipulate Theo into staying by humming it.

”…Boris, I realized, was looking up at the sky and humming to himself, a line from one of my mother’s Velvet Underground songs: but if you close the door… the night could last forever…” (392)

The certainty of the situation starts to sink in on Theo, and he starts expressing his true feelings for the first and last time in the novel, in fact, he’s lost all control over himself. Boris realizes that Theo’s expressing his real feelings (probably predicting a confession) and since Boris has stolen the painting (something Theo’s completely unaware of) he’s accepted that he’s completely ruined any chances of continuing the relationship, (knowing that Theo would hate him after finding out) and just can’t bear to hear any more of what Theo’s saying. So, he interrupts Theo by kissing him on the lips. Now, besides the suggestive placement of the kiss, (not only is it in the goodbye scene but its right before Theo’s confession as well) the way Theo reacts to it makes it very clear that this is unusual behavior, and not something Boris has done before, (Theo wouldn’t have missed a chance to make the whole situation seem as platonic as possible, he would have tried to pull some bullshit like ”oh yeah this is something Boris does all the time lmao doesn’t mean anything”. And they know each other so well that they can communicate without words, so I think it’s safe to say that Theo would’ve known about it if it was usual behavior for Boris.) the kiss is clearly more than platonic, to say the least.

”…Really, you have to come. We can go to Brighton Beach—that’s where all the Russians hang out. Well, I’ve never been there. But the train goes there—it’s the last stop on the line. There’s a big Russian community, restaurants with smoked fish and sturgeon roe. My mother and I always talked about going out there to eat one day, this jeweler she worked with told her all the good places to go, but we never did. It’s supposed to be great. Also, I mean—I have money for school—you can go to my school. No—you totally can. I have a scholarship. Well, I did. But the guy said as long as the money in my fund was used for education—it could be anybody’s education. Not just mine. There’s more than enough for the both of us. Though, I mean, public school, the public schools are good in New York, I know people there, public school’s fine with me.” I was still babbling when Boris said: “Potter.” Before I could answer him he put both hands on my face and kissed me on the mouth. And while I stood blinking—it was over almost before I knew what had happened—he picked up Popper under the forelegs and kissed him too, in midair, smack on the tip of his nose. Then he handed him to me. ”Your car’s over there,” he said, giving him one last ruffle on the head. And—sure enough—when I turned, a town car was creeping up the other side of the street, surveying the addresses. We stood looking at each other—me breathing hard, completely stunned. ”Good luck,” said Boris. ”I won’t forget you.” then he patted Popper on the head. ”Bye, Popchyk. Look after him, will you?” he said to me.” (394-395)

When Theo gets in the cab, he acknowledges his feelings for Boris and confesses his love for him. This is the first and last time he does this (at least according to Theo’s narrative, which as we know, isn’t very reliable).

”Later—in the cab, and afterward—I would replay that moment, and marvel that I’d waved and walked away quite so casually. Why hadn’t I grabbed his arm and begged him one last time to get in the car, come on, fuck it Boris, just like skipping school, we’ll be eating breakfast over cornfields when the sun comes up? I knew him well enough to know that if you asked him the right way, at the right moment, he would do almost anything; and in the very act of turning away I knew he would have run after me and hopped in the car laughing if I’d asked one last time. But I didn’t. And, in truth, it was maybe better that I didn’t—I say that now, though it was something I regretted bitterly for a while. More than anything I was relieved that in my unfamiliar babbling-and-wanting-to-talk state I’d stopped myself from blurting the thing on the edge of my tongue, the thing I’d never said, even though it was something we both knew well enough without me saying it out loud to him in the street—which was, of course, I love you.” (395)

When they run into each other as adults, Theo starts commenting on Boris’ appearance almost immediately. This isn’t something Theo’s done before, his internalized homophobia won’t allow him to. Boris is the only male he depicts this way.

”…There he was, sliding in across from me, slingin the hair from his face in a gesture that brought the past ringing back. “I was just about to leave.” “Sorry.” Same dirty, charming smile. “Had something to do. Didn’t Myriam explain?” “No she didn’t.” “Well. Is not like I work in accounting office. Look,” He said leaning forward, palms on the table, “don’t be mad! Was not expecting to run into you! I came as quick as I could! Ran, practically!” He reached across with cupped hands and slapped me gently on the cheek. “My God! Such a long time it is! Glad to see you! You’re not glad to see me too?” He’d grown up to be good-looking. Even at his gawkiest and most pinched he’d always had a likable shrewdness about him, lively eyes and quick intelligence, but he’d lost that half-starved rawness and everything else had come together the right way.” (596)

Then we find out that Boris has been embittered this whole time because he ruined his and Theo’s relationship (Thinking that Theo holds a grudge for him because of the painting). So, Boris projects onto Theo. He brings up their sexual intimacy, and offends him;

”…why do I feel like you’re trying to change the subject?” ”Not trying to judge! It’s just—we did crazy things back then. Things I think maybe you don’t remember. No, no!” he said quickly, shaking his head, when he saw the look on my face. ”Not that. Although I will say, you are the only boy I have ever been in bed with!” My laugh spluttered out angrily, as if I’d coughed or choked on something. ”With that—” Boris leaned back disdainfully in his chair, pinched his nostrils shut—”pfah. I think it happens at that age sometimes. We were young, and needed girls. I think maybe you thought it was something else. But, no, wait” he said quickly, his expression changing—I’d scraped back my chair to go— ”wait,” he said again, catching my sleeve, “don’t, please, listen to what I’m trying to tell you, you don’t at all remember the night when we were watching Dr. No?” I was getting my coat from the back of my chair…” (622)

Theo is clearly hurt by Boris’ words, even though he doesn’t admit it.

As if all of this wasn’t already obvious enough, Tartt’s sprinkled all sorts of subtext all over the novel;

Theo takes extraordinary notice of the sex books his therapist has. Tartt is already, this early into the book, implying that sexuality might be a theme for Theo. (162)

During Theo’s and Boris’ first conversation, Theo asks Boris to say something in one of the multiple languages Boris speaks and he decides to say something quite suggestive, which is; ”fuck you up the ass”. (265)

Theo’s internalized homophobia is taunting him, he says he feels ”shameful”, ”worthless”, ”tainted” and ”wrong”, and that he doesn’t know the origin for these emotions. (440-441)

Theo thinks about Boris every day and everything reminds him of Boris. (465)

Theo still remembers Boris’ home phone number in Vegas and even uses the last digits of it for the combination padlock that’s securing the painting. (532)

Theo confesses that he has googled Boris in the past. (595)

”You know what I did in college?” I was telling him. ”I took Conversational Russian for a year. Totally because of you. I did really shitty in it, actually. Never got good enough to read it, you know, sit down with Eugene Onegin—you have to read it in Russian, they say, it doesn’t come through in translation. But—I thought of you so much! I used to remember little things you’d say—all sorts of things came back to me—oh, wow, listen, they’re playing 'Comfy in Nautica,’ do you remember that? Panda Bear! I totally forgot that album. Anyway. I wrote a term paper on The Idiot for my Russian Literature class—Russian Literature in translation—I mean, the whole time I was reading it I thought about you, up in my bedroom smoking my dad’s cigarettes. It was so much easier to keep track of the names if I imagined you saying them in my head … actually, it was like I heard the whole book in your voice! Back in Vegas you were reading The Idiot for like six months, remember? In Russian. For a long time it was all you did. Remember how for a long time you couldn’t go downstairs because of Xandra, I had to bring you food, it was like Anne Frank? Anyway, I read it in English, The Idiot, but I wanted to get there too, to that point, you know, where my Russian was good enough. But I never did.” (614-615)

Theo depicts Pippa by referring to Boris. (678)

Tartt has placed a character from one of her earlier novels The secret history, Francis Abernathy, a homosexual man who was forced by circumstance to marry a woman, in Theo’s engagement party as a parallel for him. (710)

”Only what is that thing? Why am I the way I am? Why do I care about all the wrong things, and nothing at all for the right ones? Or, to tip it another way: how can I see so clearly that everything I love or care about is illusion, and yet—for me, anyway—all that’s worth living for lies in that charm? A great sorrow, and one I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We don’t get to choose the people we are. Because—isn’t it drilled into us constantly, from childhood on, an unquestioned platitude in the culture—? From Willian Blake to Lady Gaga, from Rousseau to Rumi to Tosca to Mister Rogers, it’s a curiously uniform message, accepted from high to low: when in doubt, what to do? How do we know what’s right for us? Every shrink every career counselor, every Disney princess knows the answer: ”Be yourself.” ”Follow your heart.” Only here’s what I really, really want someone to explain to me. What if one happens to be possessed of a heart that can’t be trusted—? What if the heart, for its own unfathomable reasons, leads one willfully and in a cloud of unspeakable radiance away from health, domesticity, civic responsibility and strong social connections and all the blandly-held common virtues and instead straight toward the bonfire, is it better to turn away? Stop your ears with wax? Ignore all the perverse glory your heart is screaming at you? Set yourself on the course that will lead you dutifully towards the norm, reasonable hours and regular medical check-ups, stable relationships and steady career advancement, the New York Times and brunch on Sunday, all with the promise of being somehow a better person? Or—like Boris—is it better to throw yourself head first and laughing into the holy rage calling your name? It’s not about outward appearances but inward significance. A grandeur in the world, but not of the world, a grandeur that the world doesn’t understand. That first glimpse of pure otherness, in whose presence you bloom out and out and out. A self one does not want. A heart one cannot help.” (852-853). Since the main themes of the novel are authenticity and unauthenticity (good and bad, right and wrong) it makes perfect sense to have sexuality be a subtheme.

Love restricts one’s personal life. Committing to something so uncertain and scary, as serious romantic relationships are, is impossible for Boris due to his traumatic childhood. This (aside from thinking he’s ruined their relatonship) is the reason why he’s stayed out of Theo’s life for all these years.

”…Boris laughed. “And you love her, yes. But not too much.” “Why do you say that?” “Because you are not mad, or wild, or grieving! You are not roaring out to choke her with your own bare hands! Which means your soul is not too mixed up with hers. And that is good. Here is my experience. Stay away from the ones you love too much. Those are the ones who will kill you. What you want to live and be happy in the world is a woman who has her own life and lets you have yours.” (667)

Later, in Amsterdam, during the shootout, Boris physically follows this ideology and his true feelings- he’s ready to die for Theo. Theo confessed his love verbally, this is Boris confessing his love in the way most natural to him, through action;

”…Again Boris moaned, as the guy yanked his hair once more, and from across the car threw me an unmistakable look—which I understood just as plainly as if he’d spoken the words aloud, an urgent and very specific cut of the eyes straight from our shoplifting days: run for it, Potter, go.” (760)

Can a Pulitzer prize-winning author write this blatant subtext accidentally? Is this just another case of cheap queerbaiting? It’s up to you to decide.

———————————————————————————————————–

A look at internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity as presented in the character of Theodore Decker; https://borispav.tumblr.com/post/179768610308/a-look-at-internalized-homophobia-and-toxic

by https://borispav.tumblr.com/

Post on Arthur Rimbaud’s poem; http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/post/171833208225/so-very-important-detail-i-dont-know-if-any-of

by http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/

All page numbers are from my copy of the book, meaning that I’ve changed the ones in the quotations from the original ones to my own.

I received technical writing help from a friend of mine, as I am dyslexic and have trouble expressing myself sometimes, who wants to stay anonymous, thank you anonymous!

#the goldfinch #boreo #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky #donna tartt #theodore decker #tgf #rin's analysis

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jj-lynn21 · 4 years

Text

The Calling ch 4

Warnings: toxic masculinity, bi/gay characters, 70s key party scene

Notes: This went a little long. For those that want a little more intimacy with Sebastian Stan that will come in the last chapter, I promise. The story went in some surprising directions but I just went with it.

ch 1, ch 2 ch 3

First you shower, then you take a better look at the email. The costume requests a 70s style. Example photos are included. Burnt oranges, faded reds, hot pants, white and black paired with the burnt orange are the color scheme. Tired as you are you rip through your closet to find a few things that will hopefully do. You pack red hot pants paired with a white t-shirt, a wrap-around skirt with a fitted silky tank top with a jean jacket, and decide to put out a burnt orange romper you find in the back of your closet you never wear to wear there.

Then you finally crash for the night dreaming what a house party themed shoot would entail. Because of who you have already worked with your mind pairs Bill Skarsgard and Tom holland in crazy 70 cloths, Shirts unbuttoned. Lots of gold chains around their chests. Alcohol flowing as you chat about school, work or something even less significant the taste of the beer you are all consuming. As you get drank in this dreamland you are laying all over them. Their hands touching all parts of your body. Leaning closer in to take…your alarm goes off its 4am.

You get ready and head out the door with that ever-necessary caffeine buzz in hand. Its rainy and cold which just makes you feel more sluggish. But as soon as you pull up to park where the bright yellow signs say to it is game on acting face. You are not tired, even though your eyes say differently, you are ready to do whatever they need you to and be here as long as they keep you.

“Good morning everyone, I’m Shelly.” The woman that checked you in said to everyone. “We have donuts, coffee and breakfast burrito at the tables in the back. As soon as all the crew are done, we will tell you so you can have breakfast. Today we need extras for an elevator scene and the key party scene. If you don’t know what a key party was, it was a 70s swingers party where the men dropped their keys in a bowl when they arrived with their partner and the woman would pick keys on their way out and go home with whoever belonged with the keys. The director has personally chosen who she wants to include in these scenes so Markus will be calling for you when everyone is ready on set. Have a great day.”

The older gentleman at your table starts talking about him and a girl he dated had been to one of these parties in their 20s. They didn’t know it was a key party when their friends invited them. When they went to leave someone spoke up. His girlfriend didn’t participate but instead berated him in the car. They broke up soon after that not because of what the party was about but because she was always on his ass about things he liked, and she didn’t. He wasn’t really interested in a party like that so, when the same friends invited him and his current wife to a party at their house, he made sure to ask what kind of party it was before accepting the invite. You meet so many interesting people being an extra actor.

Marcus comes in with a clipboard and calls you and a blonde guy barely a foot taller than you, Vic you heard someone call him earlier, to walk to set with him. Everything was set up in the building you were in today. There was lighting and other equipment around an elevator. A key had it set to stay open.

“Step right in here,” Marcus said.

He positioned the two of you looking at each other holding hands.

“You two are a great couple.” He smiled. “Just get to know each other if you haven’t met yet. I think you will be working together in the other scene scheduled today. Anna Paquin and Sebastian Stan will be in here shortly.”

Marcus leaves the two of you alone. You interduce yourself and ask his name.

“I’m Vic, sweetheart.” He smirked. “I guess they put us together because I get to go home with something better at this key party scene.”

You rolled your eyes trying to ignore this guy that was coming off as a real asshole. You were stuck with him. At the other scene since you were supposed to be in such an open relationship it was your character that would be getting something better you thought.

Anna comes in the elevator in a red low V-neck shiny bathing suite type outfit. She also wears A sunhat, sunglasses and boots. You smile but turn away, so you are not distracting her while she is working. You are not there to chat up actors. Everyone has a job to do.

Vic turns to her, “Last time I saw you, you were naked on my TV banging some whine bitch vampire.”

She lowers her glasses, “That was a long long time ago. But I’m still fucking that sexy man and if I choose, I could have your girl too.”

“Oh, I just met this guy,” You chime in finally turning back to look at her. “I think he’s being extremely rude.”

“Alright, come with me sweetie,” Anna smiles and reaches for your hand. “You stay here for the time being.” She puts her finger in Vic’s face.

You go with her out of the elevator. Down the hall to anther room where the director sat at a desk.

“We have a problem with one of the extras being a fucking rude dick to me and this girl.” Anna said. “I’m sorry sweetie, what’s your name?”

You tell her your name. Then bite your inner lip nervously as the director stares at you and then looks to Anna.

“What did he say to you Anna?” She asked.

“He said something about seeing me naked fucking a vampire when he saw me last.” Anna spit the word like they tasted bad in her mouth. “I of course had a witty retort but men like that should not be employed here or anywhere in my opinion. I don’t care what I choose to do on film. The way he was talking to me was uncalled for. I won’t press charges, which I could for verbal abuse by a co-worker, but I want him gone.”

The director looks to you. “And you heard him?”

“Yes,” you said quietly. “And he was rude to me before Anna came in. Not exactly on the same level but I agree with what Anna said.”

“Ok, he’s out.” The director got on her walkie to tell the P.A. and Assistant casting director to send Vic home without pay. She would discuss the matter farther after the shoot wrapped today. “Now, is there another male extra you worked with before you could work with again today?” She looks to you.

“How do you know she wants to be with a guy.” Anna said. “Maybe she would be more comfortable with a woman.”

“Thanks Anna, but I haven’t gotten to know many of the woman here.” You said. “Rich um Richard is a friendly guy to work with. We already have a work friendship. I don’t know his last name, but he is wearing a light blue leisure suit.”

The director gets on the walkie again to call for Richard to meet at the elevator. “That should clear things up. Now let’s get this scene shot ladies.” She walks back to the elevator with you.

Sebastian Stan is there chatting with one of the crew members. They both look as the director said, “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Sebastian nods to Anna, “Hey Anna, who’s your friend?”

She introduces you as Richard is walking up with the P.A.. He just says, “hey.” More to you than anyone else.

Sebastian reaches his hand out for Richard to shake, “What’s up man? What’s your name since we will be working together.”

Richard looks nervous, “I’m Richard but everyone just calls me Rich.”

The A.D. shovels everyone into the elevator, “Enough chit chat. Time to work. You can chat at the wrap party tomorrow night at O’Brian’s. Now my extras just hangout in your little corner looking enamored with each other. I believe you have done that before together in another film. Anna and Sebastian do your thing.”

Anna stands in the corner of the elevator ogling Sebastian’s behind. Rich makes you giggle quietly in the other corner as he pretends to tell you a secret as his hand rest on the small of your back. Your hands are on his chest.

“Action.” The A.D. yelled.

Anna said, “Those beers for the party tonight, Peter?”

Sebastian said, “Yep.”

“I think My boyfriend and I will be coming tonight.” She said.

“I guarantee you will.” He walks out of the elevator.

“Cut,” The A.D. said.

You are doing your best not to burst out laughing at the cheesy suggestive dialogue. And you have to hold that laugh and to be all romantic with your friend in the elevator.

On the next take Richard whispers, “I don’t need to wait until the party. I’m going to come right here. He is too hot.”

Your giggle is louder. Cut is called. “Sorry,” you say.

You manage to control yourself for the next several takes. The scene is done shooting within a few hours which pasted by quickly in your mind. To much fun. Lunch is setting up when you and Rich are taken back to the holding room. You didn’t get much time with Sebastian who you agree with Rich was looking hot. But maybe he will talk to you at the wrap party the A. D. was talking about. You made a note on your phone to look up O’Brian’s in the area for tomorrow night.

After the BBQ lunch buffet, everyone was led downstairs to a house party set. The P.A. and A.D. set everyone up where they want them. Some sitting, some standing but all in groups of couples two to four with prop drinks in their hands. A table is covered with snacks and drinks. The A.D. takes you and Rich outside the door to the makeshift apartment door.

“You two will be the next couple through the door,” He said. “We will film you walking through a few times at different angles. Then film Sebastian’s character greeting you. Rich you toss the keys we give you in the bowl to the right as you enter. Just have fun with it like you really want to be at this party.”

You both nod. Rich slides his hand around your waist. The prop person hands him a set of keys. They film you walking to the door and Richard opens it but 5 time from different ankles. When the camera is right in front of your face it’s a little nerve racking, but you manage not to look at it. Then they film you coming in from the other side of the door about five times. Once a continuous shot to where Sebastian’s character walks up to you both after Rich tosses the keys in an empty fish bowl, Shakes Rich’s hand, hugs you and excuses himself as he looks towards the door. That doesn’t work very well.

They reset for you and Rich to walk over to Sebastian’s character and him to greet you both before his attention is taken towards the door. You film the greeting about ten times at multiple angles. You can’t see who has come through the door behind you but several of the couples seem excited to see them raising their glasses in a greeting. Maybe they were told to do that or that it would be natural in the moment.

Next you are told to go sit on the burnt orange chair together. You sit on Rich’s lap with prop beer to sip.

“You can react how ever you see fit within the context of the party scene when the next two actors come in the door to be greeted.” The A.D. said. “We will then move on to some music playing and the two of you will get up to slow dance. Once Anna grabs keys from the bowl and exits the room with Sebastian, you take the next key to exit the party with Alex who will be playing Ryan.”

“Cool,” you and Rich said.

Anna comes through the door with Alex Skarsgard. You almost drop your drink. Instead of letting your mouth drop wide you bite you lip and look to Rich. He looks as surprised and exited as you.

“You bitch, getting to trade me for him” He whispers. “I’m so jealous.��

Their entrance is film from all angles needed. Next Peter Frampton’s Baby I Love Your Way plays. Alex and Anna start to dance. You and Richard get up to dance. A few more couples do as Sebastian watches from the sidelines. They keep rolling as Sebastian walks up to take Alex’s place and Alex taps Rich on the shoulder to take his place. You thought Rich was going to pass out when Alex touched him. You kept a smile on your face as Rich went to sit down. You looked up at Alex with big eyes. After taking your hand to put around his neck Alex put his forehead to yours swaying to the song.

“Cut,” The A.D. yells.

Alex straightens up. “Hi, Princess. I’m Alex. Anna told me what the two of you went through earlier. I would like to apologize for the assholes of my gender. I hope the rest of your filming is a good experience.”

His voice is so smooth and tender. You just barely get out a, “Thanks.”

When you walk back over to reset your position with Richard he said, “You bitch. I am so jealous over here as you get all up close and personal with that big sexy man.”

“I know right.” You laugh.

“Action,” is called.

You run though that part of the scene several more times. Getting more comfortable each time. After one take Sebastian comes over and Alex introduces you. Anna joins the group. You are kind of stunned standing there and the three of them being all casual as inside you just can’t believe your life at this moment.

Sebastian’s eyes crawl over you as he asks about the other films you worked on. You tell him a few things but keep it a little cryptic. The A.D. calls places.

Before you go Sebastian said, “hopefully we get to chat more at the cast party.”

You said, “Sure.” Before going back to your position with Rich.

“Why are you taking all my dates for after work,” Rich whispers in your ear.

You giggle, “fate I guess.”

You try to keep doing the same things over and over. How you position your hands and when you giggle at what Rich says. He does make a great scene partner since he keeps you entertained. Alex always positions you when he comes over to take Rich’s place. And you let him have total control because he makes it so easy. You are not even nervous by the fifteenth take.

Last shooting of the day. Anna saunters over to the key filled fishbowl to grab keys. Sebastian grins as they walk towards the back where there is a hallway that leads to his bedroom. You get up and pick keys up and hold them dangling with a grin on your face as Alex crosses the room and escorts you out the door. You only need to film that five times to get angles and things.

The filming day ends. You drive home with some great memories. The incident with Vic not even registering in your mind.

#sabastian stan #fanfic #fan fiction #anna paquin #alex skarsgard #70s #key party #original story #au #gay character #bi character #filming #being an extra #fantasy #dreaming

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thirsty-pixie · 5 years

Text

Unsteady Barry x Reader Part 2

Warning: so blood, war, guns, cursing, panic attack if any of this will trigger you then I suggest not reading.

Part 1

I locked my front door behind me when I got home, I walked into my kitchen to get some water but jumped and reached for my pocket knife. "Fuck you" I grabbed the paper towel roll and threw it at the man in my kitchen. "What I can't drop by and visit my friend?" Mendez said smiling, "you can why the fuck are you in my kitchen" I pinched the bridge of my nose glaring at him "I was getting a snack. Now how about a hug" he smiled and held out his arms.

I walked up to him and hugged him laughing "you know I could've killed you" I said pulling away from him, "yeah right" he said mockingly. "I could take you down in a heartbeat" I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed his biceps. I put my foot on his upper thigh and threw myself back flipping him over me aka the sacrafice throw. I stood up and looked down at him as he tried to catch his breath "I think you forgot who you were talking to." He chuckled and I helped him to his feet "it's good to see you again Mendez" I said handing him a bottle of water from the fridge. My phone buzzed and I grabbed it from my pocket seeing Barry had text me, "shit I gotta go to be I'm going to breakfast with someone tomorrow... you know your way around make yourself at home" he nodded and I went to my room getting into my pajamas.

~~~

There was a thunderous boom and a cloud of smoke, a pain shot through my leg and the vehicle shook. My ears rang as I ducked down into the humvee and looked around the first thing my eyes landed on was the drivers face. His eyes were wide and he was slumped forward on the steering wheel blood cascading down his chin and dripping into his lap. I squeezed my eyes shut and looked to my left and seen Anderson his head laid back unconscious, I put my fingers to his neck....... ok a pulse. I looked down at my left leg and seen a tear in my pants and blood had already stained the fabric. Mendez was on my right conscious trying to regain communications, I patted his shoulder and held up and ok sign. He nodded and I leaned forward seeing SGT Maccabee with a blood trickling down from his ear, I patted him and asked if he was ok. He said yeah and we evacuated the vehicle, I stepped out and I was in the middle of the field again standing behind Roger. I tried to yell out his name but I started falling, I landed on my back with a thud that echoed a few times.

I sat up and I was covered in blood, what the hell.... I was in a small room only long enough for me to lay in and the walls were just wider than my body. I furrowed my brows "why am I in my ASU uniform" I looked at my outfit when something fell into my lap. I grabbed what hit my lap and when I opened my hand it was dirt, I looked up and seen someone throwing another shovel full of dirt onto me. "Hey" I tried to stand up but my legs would work another clump of dirt fell onto my lap. I started screaming and I tried to stand up but something grabbed me pinning me against the cold wood under me. "Why..... why would you kill me" Roger's voice asked from under me. "I didn't" I screamed back struggling against the force that held me down. The dirt had covered most of my body and I started screaming for help.

~~~~

"Hey wake up" Mendez held my shoulders firmly and a grabbed his forearms "I had it again" he frowned "the dirt one?" I nodded and tried to slow my breathing. I looked at the clock 5:30am I sighed might as well take a shower, "thanks for waking me up Mendez sorry I woke you" he smiled and said it was ok before heading back to my guest room. I got out of bed and walked into my bathroom, I took a quick shower and put on little makeup and brushed my hair out. I put on a knee length floral dress a pair of white flats, Barry said he'd pick me up at 7 for breakfast so I decided to watch some tv while I waited.

I heard my doorbell ringing while I was using the restroom "I'll get it" Mendez yelled to me as he walked passed the bathroom door. I washed my hands and stepped out seeing Barry and Mendez standing in the entryway talking. "Hey sorry I was in the restroom. Um I feel like I should still introduce you to eachother though" I said smiling and I placed my hand on Mendez's shoulder. "Barry this is Mendez we met in boot camp and we deployed to Afghanistan together twice... and Mendez this is Barry he's in my acting class and is an ex Marine" they both nodded and smiled, I clapped my hands together and sighed. "Ummmm ok should we get going?" Barry looked at me and nodded his eye had more of a distant stare than usual.

He opened my door for me and I sat down "hold of I'm getting a call" I nodded and he walked to the back of the car to take the call. I checked my reflection in the sun visor mirror then pulled my phone out of my purse. Mendez had text me and I laughed as I read it,

M: •You look shorter that usual when you stand next to him dwarf.•

Y: •hey asshole I'm average height!•

M: •3 feet tall is not average height•

Y: •I am not 3 feet tall jerk I'm at least 5•

M: •Yeah on a scale from 1 to 100•

Y: •That doesn't make any sense. Your insults are almost as weak as you are•

M: •ouch•

I laughed and tucked my phone back into my bag, Barry satin the car and smiled at me before turning on the ignition. "So what got you into the acting class?" I said trying to male conversation while we drove to go get breakfast. "Uh I don't know... I guess I wanted to do something else with my life. Like start over." He gave me a side glance and I nodded. "How's that going for you..... the uh starting over thing" he shrugged. "As much as I try it seems I keep getting pulled back into my old life." He gripped the wheel tightly as he spoke I noticed his knuckles turning white as he tightened his grip. I put my hand on his arm and he relaxed a little loosening his grip on the wheel "hey sometimes things te hard to let go of but as long as you keep pushing forward and trying to overcome them that's all that matters" he smiled and pulled into the parking lot of Denny's.

The hostess walked us to our table and handed is our menus, "thank you" I said smiling. Barry picked up the menu and began looking through it, "well how do you feel about playing Macbeth?" He shrugged "it's new I've been distracted and haven't fully memorized my lines... why didnt you get a part in the play" I looked over the menu not wanting to respond. A finger hooked on the top of my menu pulling it down exposing my face, I looked at Barry who stared into my soul with his blue eyes. "Why didn't you get a part in the play" he repeated himself and raised an eyebrow, "uh there were no more parts" I lied pulling the menu back up. He pulled the menu back now and narrowed his eyes, "ok fine I have stage fright so I asked to be left out of this play" he frowned leaning back in the booth as the waitress came to take our order.

I ordered some chocolate chip pancakes with scrambled eggs sausage and hashbrowns, Barry decided to have the same think as me and when the waitress walked away he leaned forward. He placed his elbows on the table folding his arms "that's the best way to get over it you know that right?" I nodded and shrugged taking a sip of my coffee. "Yeah I'm just not sure if I'm exactly ready yet" we sat there quietly waiting for our food. Barry clenched and clenched his jaw as his phone rang, "you need to get that?" I asked as he checked who was calling. "Uh no its fine" he put his phone down and smiled at me. "You know.... you have a nice smile" I said sliding my foot forward brushing my leg against his. He jumped slightly and started to fidget, "oh well uh thanks" I laughed a little and pulled my foot back to me. The waitress set our food in front of us and I thanked her as she walked away, "so Barry I noticed yesterday a lot of tension between you and the blonde girl" he looked up from his foor and nodded.

"Well?" I raised my eyebrows and he looked up from his food again confused, "spill the beans. I wanna know the clas drama" we both laughed a little and he began to tell me what happened. He told me the story as we ate and paid the bill, we walked out to the car and he leaned on the hood "Then she said I had some toxic masculinity issues" I laughed "What?! Toxic masculinity? If she didn't state it was just a hookup then how were you supposed to know" he shrugged and I shook my head "well her loss" he half smiled and looked at the ground. I checked the time and sighed, "Barry its almost 10 I gotta get home and get ready for work." He looked at me and nodded. "Well I had a good time" he said looking at me, I smiled at him "me too, maybe we can do dinner next time..... something a little more uh romantic" he nodded looking at me briefly before returning his gaze to the road. "I'd like that" his voice was quiet as he spoke.

He pulled up in front of my house and put the car in park "so I'll see you in class tonight?" I had gotten out of the car and turned to look at him. "Uh not today I have a meeting but I'll be there tomorrow for rehearsals" he nodded and drove off. I walked inside and Mendez was on my couch playing videogames "hoy was your date with Fezzik the giant" I grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and hit him with it "His names Barry you nerd. When are you leaving I'm tired of you already" he laughed and threw the pillow at me as I walked to my room.

~~~Time skip to after the ambush on the Bolivian gang leader in the desert~~~

I was sitting in the stands watching Sally say her lines as Macbeth, its fucking stupid Gene gave her Barry's part.i rolled my eyes as she yelled fuck and Gene told her that her performance sucked. If he was gonna give her the part he should at least help her when she reached out for help. I watched as she stumbled around her lines, she said her line that was Barry's que but he didn't come out. She said her line and Barry stormed out.... wow he looked like shit "My queen, the lord- my m-my lord the queen is dead!! Sally got upset and stormed off the stage leaving the building. Gene sent us on a 5 but I stayed in my seat is the back of the room watching as Barry sat down, Gene started talking to Barry about being on drugs.

Gene left and I walked up sitting next to Barry, "you ok? You look horrible" he looked at me and sighed "something wrong?" He shook his head "just work stuff" I nodded and smiled at him. "You nervous about tonight?" He shrugged "its only one line" he seemed more distracted than usual when. "Hey.... something is wrong....you ca talk to me you know." I placed my hand on his and he pulled away. "I'm fine" he snapped causing to jump "ok uh sorry..." I looked at my hands and sighed. "See you at the play tonight" I stood up leaving the room not wanting to be there for the rest of class.

Mendez and I decided to go to dinner before the play, we went to a restaurant near the theater because Mendez wanted to "Pregame" because he hate plays. We arrived early so I could talk to Barry before the play but he was not to be found. I sat in the second row behind some bad guy on his phone, Mendez who was already drunk tried making conversation with every around us.

It was time for Barry's scene. Sally looked off stage and there was a moment of silence, Barry walked out on stage looking like he was about to have a full on break down. I felt a pain in my heart seeing him like that even if it was acting, I walked out as everyone came back on stage. Gene followed me and we found Barry, Gene started going on about how Barry went to a place and how good he did and that's when he screamed punching a picture shattering the glass. Gene backed up I put my hand on Gene's shoulder to silence him but kept talking. Barry, obviously annoyed, threw a chair which made Gene leave.

Barry sat down and covered his face sobbing, I knelt down in front of him and pulled his hands down. He eyes were blood shot and tears began to cloud my vision as I looked at him. It hurt seeing him so upset I wrapped my arms around his neck hugging him tightly. He hugged me back grabbing fist fulls of my shirt as he buried his face into the crook of my neck. Once he calmed down he let go and stood up, "what happened?" I asked looking up at him. He wiped his face and said nothing then walked back into the theater. "Wow" I was still knelt on the ground when Mendez walked in a few minutes after Barry walked out "looks like he don't like you as much as you thought" I glared at him. "What are you talking about" he helped me to my feet and I smoothed out my dress. "He's out there talking to that lady that played Mcbeck" I rolled my eyes. "One its Macbeth and two her names Sally and they just hooked up she says he has too much toxic masculinity for her" he laughed "what the fuck is toxic masculinity" I shrugged and ushered him back into the theater to say goodbye to Barry.

Barry was standing in the middle of the stage when I walked out, "hey just though I'd say goodnight" he looked over at me and nodding his lips pressed into a thin line. "Um did you still want to go out to dinner sometime?" I was surprised by his question but I smiled "yeah.... yeah I do" he nodded and I stepped closer to him. "I was really surprised by your scene by the way..... it was really good" he nodded and muttered thanks. I touched his forearm gently and he turned to look at me, his eye flickered from my lips back to my eyes.

I stepped closer just inches away from him I could see his chest rise and fall as he breathed, I could heart my own heart beating almost threatening to beat out of my chest. He grabbed me by the back of my neck and my hip roughly pulling my body flush against his, out lips collides in fervent frenzy. Our lips moved against eachother hastily as the kiss became more heated, I gently bit his bottom lip and he retaliated but tugging my hair. I pulled back when I heard someone clear their throat behind us, Mendez was standing there with his hands on his hips. I chuckled a little then looked back at Barry, he smiled and kissed me once more "goodbye I'll pick you up at 7pm next Friday for our date" I smiled and walked off the stage.

Part 1

#barry berkman x reader #barry block #barry #barry x reader #barry berkman #bill hader x reader #bill hader #bill

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bowie-boy · 5 years

Text

Trans Eggsy headcanons even though no one asked

Has known that he was a boy since he was a kid

Michelle didn’t totally understand at first

She tried to ignore it but once Eggsy started crying whenever she called him by his birth name or tried to force him to do girly things like wear a dress, she knew she needed to do some research

Michelle spent countless nights trying to fend off Dean’s advances to get a moment to research “transgender”

When it hit her that her son was really struggling with something tangible, she immediately took action to help him

She still feels bad for ignoring him at first

Eggsy forgives her 100% and reminds her whenever she tries to apologize

When Michelle asked him what he wanted to be called, he naturally replied Eggsy because that’s what his dad had jokingly suggested they name him

Michelle refused to let that be his legal name but offered up “Gary”, his dad’s genuine name input

Eggsy agreed with that name, but still made everyone call him Eggsy

Dean was never supportive, and when Michelle let Eggsy get a short haircut, Dean threw a complete fit

He broke at least four plates in a drunk fit of rage and beat up Michelle for “letting her daughter look like a lesbian”

Eggsy was nine

When puberty was about to hit, Eggsy had a breakdown

His first period made him lock himself in his room for an entire day

Michelle begged Dean to pay for his puberty blockers, but he refused no matter what she promised

Michelle didn’t have the money to pay for them herself, no matter how many extra shifts she picked up at work

Puberty was hell for Eggsy, and was the main reason that he gave up gymnastics and his other productive hobbies

Dean never slowed up on misgendering Eggsy

Michelle sneaked Eggsy a binder on his fourteenth birthday

He started to wear it every day, and it helped with his dysphoria

While he bought his own clothes, packers, etc., he slowly saved up money to start T

His efforts, combined with snippets of Michelle’s money from Dean meant for make-up and things of the like, got him started when he was 17

Dean, once again, had a complete conniption fit and beat up both of them

Eggsy attempted to save Michelle from the worst of it but mostly failed

When he graduated high school, he decided that he would join the Marines

This was the best way to escape Dean’s endless misgendering and to keep his mother safe

He joined and enjoyed it quite a bit

The binding started to get to him after a while and after he heard that over-binding would prevent him from getting top surgery, he stopped doing it too much

One night, some assholes in his squad confronted him about why he never showered with them after they found a sports bra under his bed

Eggsy was brutally attacked and ended up in the on-site hospital

He swore up and down that he was okay and that he’d gotten quite a few good licks in as well

His mom called while he was in the hospital in a panic, demanding that he came home immediately

She said that she couldn’t lose her little boy like she’d lost her husband

Eggsy quit the Marines at the age of 19

When he returned home, he discovered that Michelle was pregnant

He at first panicked about Dean’s involvement but she said that it was okay, that she was excited to have another baby

When he got the news that it’d be a girl, he cried

He was so excited to be a big brother

Dean laughed at him and Michelle, “the two girls crying”

Eggsy stopped hanging around the house so much

He picked up drugs to cope with the mixed abuse and dysphoria he had to suffer through daily

He started to participate in petty crime, always trying to one-up Dean’s crew to prove that he was man enough

Once Daisy was born, he was fiercely protective of her

Whenever Michelle and Dean were fighting, he took her out of the house and to the park or the ice cream shop

He always did his best to be the support for her that he’d wanted as a kid

Harry was the first positive male figure Eggsy had ever had in his life (he doesn’t really remember his dad)

Eggsy always tried to act like Harry and respected him more than he’d ever respected anyone in the world

Kingsman made him feel proud of who he was, and like a real man

When Harry offered to pay for his top surgery, Eggsy was taken aback

At first he got angry, telling Harry that just because he didn’t come from a rich family, it didn’t mean he needed help paying for everything

Harry reassured him that he knew

“I just want to make sure that you’re in the best possible mental state for missions. It’s purely professional.”

Harry gave him a small smile and wink with that statement

Eggsy knew that Harry genuinely just wanted to see him happier

Eggsy cried

He couldn’t believe that anyone could be so kind to him in his life

Harry made sure that Eggsy’s Kingsman suit fit him just right so that he could be as confident as possible

Due to Kingsman’s prestigious nature, Charlie heard through the grapevine that Eggsy was trans

He gave him shit about it all through training

Roxy was 100% supportive of him and didn’t think of him differently at all when he came out to her

Roxy was the best friend Eggsy had ever had

Whenever he was having a particularly rough day with Charlie and dysphoria and everything, she did everything she could to distract him

Eggsy got the money for top surgery through Harry’s will after he “died” when Valentine shot him

When Harry got his memory restored, he was beyond proud of Eggsy

Merlin is also incredibly supportive of Eggsy

He always pitches in with little acts of “karma” against people that misgender Eggsy or give him shit

Merlin is always watching out for Eggsy

Eggsy often uses masculinity to try to cover up insecurities

Even so, he’s not toxic, and has never had shame in having female friends or feminine interests

Now that Eggsy is a part of Kingsman and is away from Dean, he feels proud of who he is and like the man he’s always wanted to be

#kingsman #kingsman the secret service #eggsy unwin #trans eggsy #trans eggsy unwin #harry hart #headcanon #taron egerton #roxy morton #merlin #sorry this is so long #quiet down matt #richmond valentine #colin firth #movies

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neverstcpdreaming · 4 years

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⌞ʾ⁎ ⊰ john boyega, cis male, he/him ⊱ i think i just saw KRISTOFF GOLDMAN walk across trafalgar square, singing to CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ( REO SPEEDWAGON ). you know, the TWENTY-FOUR year old CARPENTER ? people claim that they are just like KRISTOFF from FROZEN. it must be because they are SELFLESS and HEADSTRONG as well… though i could be wrong. all i know for sure is that they live at PETERSBURG apartment. { fie, twenty-two, gmt+1, she/her }⌝

ₒ°♢ — hi guys ! am fie, twenty-two, she/her, educational studies student, belgian musical enthousiast. i’m here with the first of three intro’s, this time for my boy based on kristoff bjorgman. there are things about him i’m still trying to figure out, but i’m sure those gaps will be filled as i start writing and plotting with him. don’t hesitate to hit me up on discord ( mapsofstars#1350 ) or tumblr im’s if you want to plot !

ₒ°♢ — 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓪𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓼

NAME/NICKNAMES: kristoff goldman

ALIAS: sweaty, smelly mountain man

AGE: twenty-four

PREFERRED PRONOUNS: he/him

MUSICAL: frozen

FACECLAIM: john boyega

ₒ°♢ — 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓮𝓽𝓪𝓲𝓵𝓼

let me start off by saying how much i love kristoff. he may have a bit of a rugged exterior, but he’s so freaking soft on the inside. as much as i love him in the movies, it was jelani alladin’s portrayal in the musical that made me love him ten times more. i still vividly remember finally getting to download the cast recording and being so excited he got more songs aside from reindeers are better than people. ah, those were good times. funny how i’m feeling so nostalgic about a musical that’s only 2,5 years old lol.

kristoff unfortunately became an orphan at a very young age. before getting adopted at the age of ten, he went from an orphanage to several foster homes. he didn’t really grow up with a whole lot -- kristoff remembers it as a fairly lonely and uncertain time, because he kept having deal with the disappointment of moving houses over and over again. i feel like because he grew up so isolated, without a lot of people to look up to or talk to, he has always struggled with social interaction and especially, forming relationships and getting to know people. he’s a fairly distrusting and pessimistic person. even after getting adopted, it was hard for him to believe his adoptive parents weren’t going to abandon him. he generally trusts animals ( particularly his childhood dog, sven ) more than humans. so, i can picture kristoff as someone not having a lot of close friends, however, if you’re patient and you really gain his trust, kristoff will be by your side forever. loyalty’s very important to him. he’s just as inexperienced in the love department, but going by what his adoptive parents have thought him, he’s convinced that love equals some hard work. he has a very strong set of ideals and a clear image of what is right and wrong.

after finishing high school, kristoff immediately started working in the local shop owned by his adoptive father, specialized in hand crafted furniture. kristoff has never been the studious type or someone who appreciates books. quite the opposite: he prefers to keep himself busy, either by doing small chores here and there or tinkering and building away. this love for manual labor made him become a carpenter.

not many people know this, but music is a big part of kristoff’s life. he carries his guitar around everywhere. though you’re lucky if you catch a private concert, since he usually looks for quiet places with as few people as possible. he has a killer voice, though he would never brag about it. 80′s power ballads are definitely his guilty pleasure, he has a playlist full of them. can’t fight this feeling by reo speedwagon is on the top of that list. i’m not accepting any feedback.

in conclusion, toxic masculinity ? kristoff does not know it. even though he can come off as careless at times, he has a lot of feelings and emotions and they’re overwhelming to him at most times. i think he’s on an ongoing journey to figuring out how to act on those feelings and letting down his guard to express them ( since he didn’t really have a lot of role models growing up to act upon ). i hope to be exploring this a lot more in the future !

#musicalhqs:intro #〖 HEADCANONS. 〗you’ll never meet a fella who’s as sensitive and sweet ♢ 𝓴𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓯𝓯

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tellywoodtrash · 5 years

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Sanjivani - Week 6

Overall Plot

Holy shit, what a fucking week. Lots of interpersonal developments (read: dhamakas!) Shashank ousted Juhi all those years ago (on the request of Rahul) because he was in love with her?!?!? Shashank is also possibly Sid's father, or somehow personally associated with him?????? Rishabh's background is revealed too!!!!! Phew. I am dizzy.

The Medical Stuff

Not that much focus on the medical stuff this week. Neil's dad is quickly diagnosed with Legionnaire's disease and I assume cured (since we didn't see him after that, and Neil happily went along to Sid's for Ganpati.) There's an old friend of Shashank's whose wife had a nasty fall and is showing some pretty bad effects of concussion. Sid's injuries seem to be the priority right now.

The Acting

Dude. Sayantani, what a stellar actress. I could not take my eyes off her in the the scenes where she's at Juhi's house. Her eyes glittering with a strange sort of determination, almost like a suicide bomber, as she presses the button to detonate life as Shashank and Juhi know it. Fucking amazing. She blew (pun unintended!) even Mohnish outta the water, with her ice-cool, unperturbed performance, standing up to him so ably! Gurdeep too, had a nice couple of scenes, alternating between Juhi being disturbed at what she found out, as well as having to take charge of one crisis after the other, and she played it with such grace and poise. Surbhi had a more toned-down week (other than the scenes when Sid gets injured.) I particularly liked the apology scene and the scene where she's praying for Sid. I'm watching YPNTKH rn, and find Namit to be waaaay more polished in that than he is here? How did his dialogue delivery and acting regress a level or two, when he’s so damn steady there? Now I'm legit suspicious of the director(s) of this show, coz if they're not extracting the best out of their two leads, who have proven to be much better performers than they’re exhibiting in this show.... What are they even there for?

The Characters

Sid: Watching YPNTKH has given me a new appreciation for Sanjivani!Sid (he's called Siddhant in that show too!) because he's a much better character here. He's a soft boi who isn't hyped up on ego and toxic masculinity, and I really really love and appreciate that. His admonishment of Ishani (during her apology) underscores his true character; he glossed over her poor behaviour towards him in public and even the fact that she slapped him, to focus on how she was ready to blow up her own career and throw it all away over a past she had nothing to do with. He's an excellent mentor who truly cares for his team and wants to make them the best doctors that they can be. Also, I'm so, so heartened to see how accommodating he is of Ishani's germophobia. Everyone else treats it as a quirk or inconvenience, but he truly takes it into consideration, asking for consent before coming in contact with her (at almost every instance they're close by - not just once for effect and done - I hope they maintain this aspect for good), or protecting her from unwanted contact from others. His crush on her is just so adorable - checking if she’s okay while he’s carrying her, remarking he’s glad that he didn’t punish her for her insubordination because he likes seeing her all soft and contrite; his bashful glee when she gives him a flower, the (mischievously) proud grin as he watches Ishani walk off to give Rishabh what he deserves; gently guiding her to where the best views of the Ganpati fest are, all the while shielding her from unwanted contact from strangers; semi-consciously dragging himself on top of her, to protect her from the gunde!!!!!! What a good, good bean he is. He's truly so beloved that seeing him brought in injured paralyses the whole hospital in shock, and they all unite in both dawa-and-dua ways to ensure he pulls through. Please show, I am fucking begging you; do not ever ruin this character by making him a typical Tellywood hero. Keep him soft and respectful and lovable forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I deserve a male character like this after all the fuckery I’ve been through the years!

Ishani: Ishani finally comes around to seeing Sid for what he is. Even before she learns that he wasn’t the one to blame for the poster drama, she opens up about her emotional issues to him, perhaps the first person she's let in for over 20 years now. Not only him, we see she lets in his mom as well; letting her smear colours on her face, hug her, and feed her sweets from her hand, even asking for more. Really sweet and shows the willingness to make progress on her part, for people who really matter. We also see the side of Ishani that's fiercely protective of those she considers her own; lambasting Rishabh for trying to play with Asha's career, and taking on a whole group of rowdy men who were harassing her, but as per usual, her impulsive side creates more problems than she ever accounts for. Couple that with her tendency to self-blame to a destructive degree, and our girl has a lottttt of work to do, mentally. I really liked the scene where she's praying for Sid, and she says that Sid is her friend, he's everyone's friend here, and they all really need him in Sanjivani. That's all the emotional development that's appropriate for now; what the fuck is this sudden realization of "love" that's coming outta nowhere acc. to the promo for next week???? Please! It's too fucking early for love and all. Friendship, maybe a confusing infatuation of sorts because he’s been her saviour multiple times now, that's it. Not CAPITAL L waala LOVE and all. Also not a fan of how she was just paralyzed and clutching at Sid and weeping after he got injured, instead of doing something helpful. Like, it's hard to believe she's a good doctor when she reacts so emotionally in scenarios like these. I think her skills extend only to diagnosis and she should maybe focus on that, instead of the surgical part.

Asha & Aman: Asha's woes against the patriarchy continue. First with Rishabh threatening to derail her career by bringing her family into the picture, and then those random drunkards at Ganpati. She does pull together nicely though while Ishani is panicking tf out, and manages to insert a chest tube for Sid to alleviate the internal bleeding. I’m glad that she finally opened up to Ishani about why she’s so competitive and bullheaded at work, which in turn leads Ishani standing up for her against Rishabh. A solid girl!love bond growing there and I am thrilled! Aman toh... Lol, continues being Aman. He offers to beat Rishabh up for Asha, roams around the hospital like an errant 10 year old, just generally having a gala time, unlike the others who are there to focus on work. I really cannot read the vibe between these two; are they just really good bro-sis type friends, or is there a romantic undercurrent? I can't tell. Either way, they're good together, and I don't mind whichever way it develops.

Dialogue(s) of the Week:

Asha [when Ishani freaks out that she threw away the literal white flag she was carrying to make up with Sid]: Ab ke ho gaya???? Wapas se teri overacting; dekh, sahi dustbin mein daala hai (iss baar.)

Aman [literally rolling into the scene on a razor scooter, seeing the yellow rose that Asha suggests Ishani give Sid]: Chee, chee, chee chee; itni gareebi aa gayi, ki yo peela phool dene laage tum log? Arre, manne bol diya hota, english waala phool mangwa deta, phoren se. Lekin [scoffs disdainfully] tumhari marzi... [scoots away]

Rishabh: We finally conclusively know who the worst fucking person in this show is so far. Ding ding ding! Winner winner, chicken dinner! This dude is just something fucking else. He threatens to fuck up Asha’s career if she tells anyone about the poster drama. He is a classist fucker who puts down Asha’s background to Ishani, saying she has “gaon waali harkatein.” He doesn’t give a shit if Sid dies of his injuries, to the point that even Vardhan is taken aback with how vitriolic he is. A truly vile creature, this one. We finally find out that he’s the son of the canteen waale chachaji, which explains the confrontation on the day Sid was called in for his investigation (Sid says that only he knows Rishabh’s “asli aukaat”, before Rishabh rudely pushes past him and the canteen chacha who came to offer them both chai.) All his LV belts and fancy car and show-shaa is just to hide his actual economic background and as such, he prevents his father from interacting with him while in Sanjivani. He’s terribly rude and dismissive of him, to the point where the dad wishes it was Rishabh who was battling for his life instead of Sid, who’s always been more of a son to him. Yiiiiikes. Anyway for all his bluster, I am happy that he’s properly terrified of Ishani, who threatened to fuck. him. up. if he steps out of line as far as she and her friends are concerned.

Neil: I was hoping we’d see more of the Neil-struggles-with-medicine-and-his-father’s-expectations plot, but it was done away with for this Ganpati wala track. Maybe next week? Shout out to him for his adorable wardrobe filled with cartoon characters, even a Tweety Bird waala kurta that he wore to Ganpati!

Rahil: Ride or die for Sid, and I’m so glad these two soft boys are best bros. They deserve each other. He seems to be pretty close with Sid’s mom too, which makes me wonder what his family situation is? It was nice to finally see Rahil integrated into the group of residents, teaming up with Asha and Aman to get the truth out of Rishabh. I also like that despite his own terrible injuries, he takes charge of the situation when Sid is injured and gets him the first aid he requires at the moment by instructing Asha/Aman/Neil what to do. Nice progress from that first case where he was panicking and Ishani had to step in. He’s inconsolable when they reach the hospital though, and unwilling to leave Sid’s side to get his own injuries looked at. Best boy, all the love for him!!!!!!!!

Shashank: Lord above, what a week for poor Dr. Shashank. All his children are spontaneously combusting and giving this poor man the worst week of his life (probably.) Anjali unrepentantly blew up his personal and professional relationship with Juhi, Juhi is freezing him the fuck out (I refuse to believe that he has any romantic feelings for her unless he says so himself, out loud), Sid has been brought in at the brink of death, and Ishani is on the verge of a breakdown blaming herself for what happened with Sid. For godssake, this poor man is still recovering from a VERY MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY! Could y’all cut him some damn slack, you terrible little brats!?! He’s trying his best to manage; diplomatically addressing the issue with Anjali, trying to engage in conversation with Juhi, comforting Ishani and friends about Sid, but gosh, he’s really struggling to keep his head above water. Also, the overwrought reaction about Sid......... We’re supposed to think he’s Sid’s father right? But would they really do that to this character???? Make him romantically involved with Juhi AND have an illegitimate child with another woman? Very unlikely that they’d make him such a horndog. So one of these plotlines has to give up, and I really hope that it’s the Juhi one. I can begrudgingly tolerate him being Sid’s dad, but being in romantic love with a woman who was canonically a daughter-figure to him for all these years? Un-fucking-acceptable.

Sid’s mom: We don’t have a name yet, but Aarti Bahl (aka Ekta Sohini) also played Nurse Padma Bansal Gupta (Shashank’s second wife) in DMG after Shilpa Tulaskar left. So is she Padma here too, or a whole new character with the same face? As for why the previous actress was replaced, I have a feeling it was because she didn’t look age-appropriate and/or conventionally “attractive” to be paired against Mohnish for this “is Shashank Sid’s father?” plotline. I’m not sure what to make of Aarti’s acting, she seemed very stiff with that forced smile throughout the Ganpati function; and wasn’t too impressive in the scenes where she was panicking and hiding from Shashank either. The scenes I really liked her in were when she was lovingly fussing over Ishani, and later in the hospital when she remarked how proud she was of Sid for standing up to protect the honour of a woman. She has a very soft and calming voice, and her dialogue delivery is really pleasant and soothing, so I’m hoping I grow to like her in this character.

Juhi: Juhi’s not really having a great week either, but she’s a boss bitch who has everything (mostly) in control and I am so fucking happy to see that. I’m glad she didn’t fall apart over the “truth” or try to leave Sanjivani over it - curtly stating to Shashank that she’s signed a contract and intends to honour it, unless he fires her again. She has a brief confusing moment with him while conducting a motor function assessment to determine his fitness to do surgery again, but other than that, she’s all pulled together. She’s mostly brusque with Shashank, trying to prove that she deserves to be here because of her capabilities, and trying to break out from under his shadow to be a proficient COS in her own right; but she’s also gently firm with him when he emotionally barges in trying to help with Sid, insisting that she has it under control and assuring that she will not let anything happen to him. It’s so great to see her balance both her medical/admin skills as well as the firm-yet-empathizing demeanor so ably.

Anjali: Oh Anjali. I love you but you have some serious daddy issues that you need heavy-duty therapy for. On one hand, I understand why she is so resentful and passive-aggressive the way she is (Sayantani’s portrayal compels us to peek beneath the layers!) but on the other, she really had no right to throw Shashank under the bus like that. But I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the way she did it - so bloody spectacularly; unfazed at getting slapped by her father in front of her “rival”, chugging down a whole glass of wine and insulting Juhi’s cooking before she left for the night. So tragic, yet so fucking hilarious. On a professional front, I’m predicting that she’s gonna tire of this Luxury Ward COS post real soon, since it only seems to have her stand around kowtowing to rich assholes like a receptionist of some sort. I can only hope that she wises up to Vardhan’s BS soon enough, instead of serving as collateral damage and falling into the quagmire he’s planning with Rahul to target Shashank/Juhi.

Vardhan: Not much of Vardhan this week other than him entering that secret room he’s built for Rahul in the Luxury Ward. Good. I prefer him in small, controlled doses. And at least we have some clarification that even with all his shady crap, he’s not as horrible a human being as Rishabh - stating that even though he doesn’t like the way Sid operates within Sanjivani, he hopes he pulls through in surgery.

Overall Rating: 4/5

#sanjivani #sanjivani (new)#tt reviews

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