#trans!kirito

[transboykirito]

some short rambling kirisuna with trans girl kirito my beloved

Asuna tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. They’d been laying in bed for hours now, and she was pretty sure that neither she nor Kazuto had slept for so much as five minutes. She couldn’t be sure what was keeping him up, but she knew what was keeping her awake, and it made her want to cry conflicted tears.

She was a lesbian.

It was a recent realisation, but it was one that hit her like a bolt of lightning. 

She’d considered it for months now, going back and forth with her friends and with her own reflection in the mirror. She’d done her research, she’d read every article she could find. Everything brought her to the same conclusion.

She loved Kazuto, she really did. If there was such a thing as soulmates, he was hers. It was like their minds and bodies were designed just to fit together, to be each other’s perfect matching halves.

But she couldn’t deny that the idea of calling somebody her husband felt… wrong. It felt like something she was supposed to do, something that was the simple, natural progression of things. She’d married a nice man, settled down and now she was his wife. That was what was expected of her.

They’d been married for six months now, and she’d be lying if she didn’t say that, on one or two occasions, she’d re-imagined their wedding day, where she might find a bride waiting for her at the alter instead of a groom.

The guilt ate her alive. She loved her husband, her soul loved his soul, but she knew deep down there would always be something deeply unsatisfactory about her life unless she was honest with him, like there was a piece of herself that she'd never have a chance to truly discover or grow. She would spend years wondering what could have been, who she could have been if she'd given herself the chance.

Kazuto had been open about his own feelings towards Eugeo and a handful of boys and men he’d known throughout his life. Hell, it was one of those conversations that had prompted Asuna to follow up on the silent, conflicting feelings she’d felt for years. She knew he would forgive her if she asked to break things off. He would understand.

…Right?

She’d been trying to have the conversation for days now. She’d found her conclusion within herself, all she had to do was voice it. She knew she couldn’t keep trying to hide this away.

She’d reached her breaking point the night before, when she’d fallen asleep to a blissful dream of their wedding day. Except… the one dancing with her wasn’t Kazuto, but a strangely familiar, faceless woman. She’d held Asuna so securely as they danced that Asuna felt like she’d known her for her entire life, and she’d woken up in tears.

She wanted to find that woman, find that moment.

Kazuto deserved that moment of his own, too.

“Asuna…” Kazuto’s voice whispered in the dark, “Are you still awake?”

“Yes,” she rolled over to look at him, her eyes widening when she saw his face. Was he… crying?

“I’m fine,” he said quickly, already sensing her concerns growing, “I… I need to talk to you about something. I think you might already know.”

She panicked. She had noticed something was off about him for a few weeks, but she’d been so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she told herself she was imagining things. God, how much had she missed? 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Asuna reached out her hand to hold his own under the blanket, tracing her thumb in circles over the back of his hand. She wasn’t sure if she was trying to soothe him or herself.

Kazuto took a deep breath, “Listen. I’ve been thinking about a lot.”

So have I, Asuna thought to herself, a little sarcastically.

“I didn’t realise how hard this would be to say,” Kazuto said, a laugh almost dancing on the edge of his voice, “You… you know how I’ve been playing GGO a lot more, lately?”

Asuna could recall the hours he’d lost to that game in just the past month - really, it had to be unhealthy. But Kazuto had seemed happy each time he woke from his dive, and Asuna couldn’t complain about that. If anything, she was just happy he was finally enjoying games other than ALO.

“Of course I noticed, did something happen in the game? Is Shino-non okay?”

Then Asuna’s thoughts turned sour. She didn’t play GGO nearly as often as Kazuto or Shino did, guns just weren’t really her style, so she didn’t truthfully pay much attention to what happened in the game. Kazuto knew that, Shino knew that. Had they been using GGO as a place to secretly meet up and…

She must have been easy to read - honestly, between herself and Kazuto, they could read each other as easily as a book, it came with the territory of being so familiar to one another - because Kazuto immediately screwed his face up.

“It’s not what you’re thinking, I promise, it has nothing to do with Shino,” he assured her, noticeably avoiding looking her in the eye.

Whatever it was, it was serious. She’d never seen him this frustrated just trying to talk to her. Yes, there were moments when they’d had petty arguments or been frustrated with one another, but he looked completely angry with himself as he seemingly battled with his tongue to form the words.

“There’s something I need to say, too…” Asuna’s voice was small, nervous. If Kazuto had something serious to say, they might as well both get things off their chests at once.

Kazuto gave her a look, somewhere between terrified and sympathetic, and smiled a forced smile.

“We’ll say it on three, okay?”

Asuna swallowed. Kazuto took a shaking breath.

“One…”

“Two…”

“Three…”

“I’m a lesbian.”

“I think I’m a woman.”

Then there was silence. 

They both tried to process what they’d just heard, and for a moment Asuna wondered if she’d simply made up what Kazuto had just said. This had to be a dream, right?

Then there was laughter.

“Really?” Kazuto asked, because Kazuto was truly the one person in the world who would be able to make Asuna laugh when she felt like sobbing.

She nodded a little, “I’ve been trying to tell you for a few weeks, I just didn’t want to lose you.”

“Oh, same here,” Kazuto breathed a sigh of relief, “Do you still want to be together? I mean, I know this probably takes some time to get used to, and I don’t really know where I want to go from here or what I want to do now, and I haven’t picked out a new name really, but-”

“I want to be with you forever.” Asuna interrupted, “That’s why I was so afraid to tell you. I knew I had to tell you eventually, but I couldn’t bare the thought of having to lose the person I love so much. I guess I should have known that wouldn’t happen.”

“Guess you’re still stuck with me after all,” Kazuto joked, then she smiled and pulled Asuna into a tight hug, kissing the top of her head. Asuna gently kissed her shoulder over the fabric of the t-shirt she’d worn to bed, humming to herself contentedly.

So, Kazuto really was her soulmate after all. They’d be each other’s happily ever after, their dream for the rest of their lives, it would just take a little work to get there - and how exciting it was that she got to be by her side for all of it, right from the very beginning.

“What should I call you now?” Asuna asked.

Kazuto rolled over to lay on her back, and Asuna rolled on top of her. They’d slept like this so many times, it really was a wonder they still insisted on having a king-sized bed. Asuna’s half was usually wasted space.

“Kazuto, I think. For now, anyway. I wanted to find something else, but…”

“But?”

“I’m so used to the way you say my name, it feels weird when I try to find anything else. I liked Kazuko, or maybe Kazuha, but I think I’m overthinking it.”

“Kazuko,” Asuna repeated the name a few times, smiling, “I like it, it’s pretty! I think you should be allowed to overthink this, it’s a big decision.”

She blushed, “It sounds pretty when you say it.” 

“Kazuko?” Asuna looked up at her, blushing just as much as she was, “I like saying it too, Kazuko. I’ll keep saying it while you get used to it, if you want me to?”

“Of course,” Kazuko grinned, “Just… not in front of the others just yet. I haven’t had the guts to tell anybody else yet.”

“Of course, I won’t say anything until you want me to, Kazuko,” Asuna felt a pair of arms wrapped securely around her middle and she relaxed, breathing in deeply. She felt so, so safe with her.

“Can I ask… when did you realise? That you were a lesbian, I mean,” Kazuko asked, deftly tracing patterns on Asuna’s side with her fingertip.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” Asuna admitted shyly, “I think I finally made my mind up about it around three weeks ago now. How about you, if you don’t mind my asking?”

Kazuko laughed again, “Around three weeks ago, when I had this dream about us getting married, but… we were both brides. I can’t believe I was so stupid, I should have just told you right away, we could have both avoided feeling so crappy the last few weeks.”

“I’ve been dreaming about the same thing,” Asuna said, then she yawned, “I love you, Kazuko. I’m glad we can tell each other anything.”

She swore she actually felt her heart skip a beat, and she giggled to herself. She had the cutest wife in the world.

A wife.

She had a wife.

Sure, things were going to take time to get used to, but she had the most incredible woman in the world by her side. They’d make it through anything together.

“We can talk about this more in the morning,” Kazuko mumbled, kissing Asuna again as she started to fall asleep, “Thank you for trusting me to tell me anything.”

So, just like they had so many nights before, and just like they were going to continue to do for the rest of their lives, Asuna and Kazuko fell asleep in each other’s arms, and Asuna remembered for the millionth time that the woman she was lying with truly was her soulmate, in every sense of the word.

And when she finally fell asleep that night, she found herself reliving the same dream she’d had a precious few times now - a dream she was certain would one day come true. An eternally familiar woman, her beloved Kazuko, holding her so securely as they danced, like she’d known her their entire lives.

Someday, she knew they would.

[couldtransitionsaveher]

KIRITO (KAZUTO KIRIGAYA) from SWORD ART ONLINE

JUSTIFICATION:

"depressed lonely 14-year old with the social grace of a block of concrete and the worst coping mechanisms despite trying her best, and consistently insecure about her appearance. other characters repeatedly bring up "he" doesn't really feel like other guys when interacting with her. and then we get to the phantom bullet arc where in the span of 2 days we see her express more emotions than most of the past 2 seasons combined, *coincidentally* in the *one* game where her avatar unambiguously looks like a girl (which she gets used to hilariously fast and seems to enjoy to an extent that seems frankly inexplicable if she were a cis "guy")" - @approximateknowledge

Reminder: Submissions are always open! Submit here!

[cringefail-clown]

folks who unfollow people because they start posting about stuff thats not what they followed them for are weak to me. i aint unfollowing you til my dying breath, or til you manage to piss me off. and i LOVE seeing posts on my dash about fandoms i have no recognition of. observing from the sidelines like "uh-huh, yeah youre so right moot theyre definitely in love" or "oh yeah that scene FUCKS im so glad it made you go feral i have no idea what the context is but im so happy for you". even better when a mutual falls into some new hobby and starts posting about it. oh yeah youre right, it DOES sound fun! i ought to try it myself. enrichment for your scrolling experience, everyone

[heyyallitsbeth]

Kirito's Quest Reward

In Alfheim Online, a small party of friends were taking on a boss monster. The giant salamander itself wasn’t particularly threatening, even with it’s attacks leaving multiple debuff effects, but the party enjoyed taking on large bosses together, and definitely enjoyed the payouts from selling the rare Fang Daggers these beasts drop.

“Remember, the one to finish it gets whatever it drops!” teased Leafa, who had been dealing most of the heavy hits this rotation. She knew they always shared rewards anyway, unless there was only one unique item per quest. However noticing her health had decreased due to the monster’s poison, she was prepping to take defensive. “Now switch!”

In a swift movement the girl and her attacking duo Klein had fallen back to the defensive and support lines, and two new attackers came in, the romantic crossed sword duo of Kirito and Asuna. Between them 3 swords cut deep and heavily into the salamander’s HP. Flurries of shortsword stabs and rapier pierces were landed before the rest of the team had assumed their new positions. Leafa began supporting her teammates with spell buffs alongside the cait sith monster tamer Silica, and Klein took a defensive stance beside the mace wielding blacksmith Lisbeth, preparing to run in to assist the mainline attackers. As the HP of the beast faded lower and lower, a rain of arrows shot down from above as the cait sith archer Sinon unleashed battalions worth of arrows. Not to be outdone, the blackswordsman Kirito rushed in unleashing a devastating combo to the creature, taking it’s final health points down to zero.

“Hmmph, all that effort in the last moments and you still go and killsteal.” Sinon sighed and huffed jokingly.

“Heh relax Sinon, we’re all sharin’ in the rewards nomatter what” Kirito replied, smirking.

As the monster turned to glittery dust a gift box fell from it’s place and landed square on the battlefield.

“Ah crap.” Lisbeth complained “That special drop events still goin’ on. All that work and we still might get a freakin’ steel dagger out of it.”

“Shoot! And I just barely made enough yuld off of it to buy back the potions we used.” Klein huffed.

“Hey we still have a chance for it to be good, even if we haven’t had much luck with it” optimistically chimed in Silica.

“Well, in that case if nobody wants it, I’ll be the one stuck with it I guess” Kirito said, striding over to it. “I was the one who took it down after all~” He playfully taunted to the other partymembers. 

He tapped on the box to open it and reveal it’s contents, fully expecting something mediocre.

“Hmm?”

A dialogue box appeared in front of him “1x Classic Maid Outfit added to inventory”

He closed the dialogue box before anyone else could catch up and see what it was.

“So whatcha get?” Asuna inquired looking right over his shoulder.

Kirito jumped from the sudden break in silence, hoping she hadn’t seen the box’s contents. His face flushed red and he flailed his arms. “N-NOTHING- NOTHING AT ALL HAHA-”

Real smooth there Kazuto. He thought to himself. You know how your friends are. That’s just inviting problems.

“Ooooooo~ somebody got something special~” cooed Lisbeth, now nearly hovering over the poor boy.

“So what rare item did you steal from me hm Kirito?” Sinon peered down.

“Heh- no. Th-there wasn’t even anything in it. Guess we got screwed by it haha-”

Next quest: Get better at lying. 

“Oh nuh uh, you aint keepin whatever it is for yourself, if it’s worth a buncha yuld then we’re splittin it okay Kirito?” Klein tossed out.

Kirito wanted to clear his inventory, he would sooner lose Excalibur than reveal what he had received.

“Hey Yui, if Kirito isn’t gonna tell us, could you check his inventory for us?” Silica spoke between small giggles.

“Yui please don’t-”

But it was too late. The small navigation pixie had already opened up a tab to review Kirito’s items.

“Hmmm let’s see. Ah it seems Daddy received an event item from one of Alfheim’s prior Valentine’s Day Events”

Valentine’s Day Item? Well that’s not gonna arouse any suspicion at ALL. Kirito grumbled to himself, his face so red he was matching the color of the holiday itself.

“Spill the beans Yui, whats it worth?” Klein inquired.

“Hehehe~ I just wanna know what it is that’s gotten Kiri so embarrassed~” teased Lisbeth. “Is it some toy you’re gonna share with Asuna later?~”

“AAAA Nononononono it’s nothing like that-” Kirito stammered out.

“No it’s not a toy- it appears the item itself is a clothing item labeled ‘Classic Maid Outfit’” Yui innocently stated.

The group went silent as Kirito’s face went from a flush red to a stark white pale. Then they all started laughing. Lis and Sinon were all but banging the ground laughing at the mortified boy. It took countless agonizing seconds until anyone spoke.

“S-*snkr* So you gonna model it for us Kiri-Chan?~” Lisbeth managed out between snickers. 

“Yeah it’s all yours oneesan~” Leafa joked out.

Sinon who had previously been laughing the hardest now had a more neutral but smug look on her face “Jeez if you wanna see him girly so bad you should join us in GGO sometime.”

GGO… Kirito thought. Yeah that model was quite something. I swear that there was something special in my eyes there. They just seemed brighter…

Kirito slapped his cheeks out of that thought.

“I’m not making it out of here without putting it on am I?” he sheepishly responded. 

“Honey you don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I can’t say I wouldn’t mind seeing-” Asuna trailed off, imagining Kirito’s toned physique in a maid outfit.

Add that to the online shopping list later. She thought, her mind filled with devious thoughts.

“You’re just scared you’ll like it-” Klein teased before getting one of Kirito’s boots directly to the jaw.

“F-fine. Just- Everyone turn around. If anyone peeks as I change I’m deleting this account!” Kirito stammered out.

The giggles of the group grew louder as they turned away. His fingers fumbled with the prompts to switch outfits, as if the outfit itself was attacking.

You’re just scared you’ll like it.

The words echoed in Kirito’s mind as he hit confirm. 

He got a good look at his reflection in the mirror view of the UI.

I look like one of those freakin’ anime twin maids Klein loves. Wait… Nononono- I look like Sugu…

Kirito wasn’t wrong, if it werent for his modest chest, he’d easily be mistaken as his sister. But like this, he looked like his sibling’s little sister more than her big brother. His face was soft. His hair had updated along with the clothing, now appearing more similar to his GGO avatar, with the only substantially shorter in the back. In addition to the dress, he had been gifted with a cute little hat and was adorned in ribbons and stockings. The outfit was a dark lavender, with the ribbons appearing a slightly brighter purple. The purple really brought out the color in his dark grey eyes.

“Everything okay Kirito?” Squeaked Silica. “I know we were teasing but if you’re uncomfortable you don’t havta show us…”

Why is she the only one with any decency here? He took one last look at himself in the mirror. Those lights are back in my eyes… He pushed down that thought and sighed.

“You can look now…”

He closed his eyes and braced for the worst. He expected laughter and mockery. What he got was… Silence? Silence for far far too long.

“Guys is everything okay?”

He opened his eyes and noticed everyone was just staring at him, shocked but… not giggly or amused… Almost confused? With the exception of Klein, who was frozen in place, and slowly tipped over before logging out.

“Jeez tough crowd” Kirito joked, trying to make the situation more bearable for himself.

He noticed as the slight breeze blew past, the skirt picked up a bit and waved effortlessly in the wind. Without thinking, he spun around, watching as his skirt effortlessly spun with him. He giggled.

Hmm. Not so bad… EH? What am I thinking I need to get this off-

“K-kirito?” Asuna quietly broke the silence.

“Yes ma’am” Kirito almost chirped out. 

He was happy to see he was now taking it better than anyone else. And then the whole group pounced on him, tackling him to the ground with a hug.

“You’re so cuteeeeeeeeeee!” they all echoed.

Even Sinon, the most modest one seemed utterly infatuated.

“Jeez Sinon, you’ve seen me worse than this- And Sugu you’ve DEFINITELY seen me worse than this-” Kirito thought of playing dress up with her as a kid, but a memory that should’ve made him shudder now brought him a surprising warmth.

That’s not good. He thought to himself. Yeah I’m gonna have to do some serious thinking about this. Or better yet I should simply never think of this again.

“Okay funs over now” Kirito exclaimed, tired of being at the bottom of a pile of bosoms. “This has been exhausting and I wanna go to bed now.”

That night Kirito dreamt of his wedding in Aincrad with Asuna, only now he looked like his GGO Avatar.

…

…

…

Kirito woke up early the next morning and his heart ached. He sent a good morning text to Asuna, despite knowing she’d probably be sleeping in still. He paused before he knocked on his sister’s door to wake her up, and chose not to, just sending her a quick “running out for groceries, be back soon.” text before he got on his bike and left.

Maybe a little ride can clear my head.

Kirito cruised down nearly empty streets, trying to think of anything other than his dream and yesterday. He hadn’t lied about the groceries, he just walked through the supermarket picking up a few essentials for him and Suguha for the week, passing through on his way to checkout when a glimmer caught his eye. He had wound up in the women’s clothing department, and beside him standing tall was a mannequin wearing a basic black skirt. It was nothing special, it was cheap, it was just a department store clothing brand. He looked at his reflection in the black screen of his phone, seeing sparkles in his eyes. He sighed, knowing he was about to make a mistake and placed it in his basket and checked out. He rode home from the shops with his mind racing. 

Why did I do that? I’m such an idiot. What the hell am I doing? What would Sugu say? What will Asuna say? I- I just need to try this once. I’m just gonna go home, try it on, nothing will happen and I’ll burn the damn thing.

Kirito tried to enter the home as quietly as possible, dropping the groceries on the table and tip toeing to his room with the bag with the skirt in it. He closed the door behind him, but in his anxiousness to try on the skirt, he neglected to lock it. He slid out of his black sweatpants, staring at his body in the mirror. His figure was slender, almost effeminate in nature. Years without hardcore exercise and barely eating while in SAO clearly took it’s toll on a previously toned figure.

Maybe I do look like Sugu…

Back when they were little, Suguha and Kazuto were always mistaken for twin girls, despite Kazuto being older and not even Suguha’s blood sibling. He never minded back then, he just liked being close to her. They’d occasionally swap clothes to mess with their parents. Kazuto softly smiled at the thought. He slipped on the skirt. She slipped on the skirt.

His eyes met hers in the mirror. Where a dull grey void once sat, a galaxy of stars was now present, with shimmering highlights and purple hues never noticed until now. There was a subtle curvature to her hips. A natural softness to her face. Her slender physique made him jealous. He stared at the girl who looked back at him, she shyly smiled and as the words left her mouth, they followed in his. “So, this is me?”

She looked down, and the girl was him. The girl was her.

She nervously laughed and shook in place. She watched as her skirt flowed side to side with every subtle movement. She spun herself around, watching the skirt flare up. She giggled to herself. She spun herself again. And again and again. She was giggling to herself like crazy. There were no thoughts left in her head, it was just a pure moment of bliss. And it came crushing down as the door opened behind her.

“Yawnnnnnnn~ Kazutooooooo please could you make a little less noi-” Sugu entered the room with her eyes closed yawning, but her eyes quickly shot open as she saw what was once her big brother in a tiny black skirt.

“S-Sugu??? EH! Don’t Look! I’m not decent!” She blurted out, not realizing she was pitching her voice higher than normal. She scrambled behind her bed, trying to cover up her shame, hiding her blushing face behind her hands.

Suguha smiled softly and walked over beside her as she softly pet her sister’s head.

“Well, it seems like I’ve stumbled into something big huh? Listen Kazuto. Or… whatever you may wanna be called. I’m always gonna support and love my big sibling, nomatter who they are.” She kissed the timid girl’s forehead. “I’m gonna go make us breakfast okay. You can wear that if you wanna. It’s just us home today. You don’t have to worry. You don’t have to tell anyone else if you aren’t ready. You don’t even have to tell me if you’re not ready. But I’m here for you.”

She walked out the door, and Kazuto sighed, knowing she meant every word of that.

…

…

…

Kazuto followed not long after, choosing to wear the skirt downstairs to the kitchen. She was blushing the whole time, still unable to meet her sister’s eyes. She slid a stack of pancakes over to her.

“Here big sis, I made your favorite.” She smiled sweetly down at Kazuto.

“...I like that.”

“Hmm?”

“I think… I think I prefer being your big sister.”

Suguha smiled brightly.

“Yayyyyyy! Now we get to do fun girly stuff together! This is so exciting!- Oh and of course, thank you for trusting me enough with this sis. It means a lot.” Suguha felt a warmth she had never felt, and she felt like it was due to the beaming smile on her big sister’s face.

“So, what are you thinkin’ for a name?”

…

…

…

A few days pass and nobody outside the Kirigaya household hears from Kazuto. He seemingly vanished from the ALO party, and only returned a few texts with “Sorry I’m just busy, miss you too” or “I love you too Asuna”. Truthfully, Kazuto had been training up a new ALO avatar with her sister, creating a swordfighting cait sith, with a name she chose for herself, Kiriko.

“Hey I’m gonna head out and make some lunch for us okay Kiriko? Don’t go far, and I’ll meet you in town.” “Sounds good Leafa, thank you!”

While Sugu’s cooking wasn’t the masterpiece Asuna’s was, Kiriko was always happy to indulge in some of Sugu’s fine craftsmanship as well. Leafa signed out, and her model disappeared. And Kiriko was alone.

She strolled through the town, wondering what to do in the meantime.

“I could really use some sword upgrades…” She muttered to herself, knowing that the only blacksmith worth caring about was Lisbeth, and she didn’t know who Kiriko was yet. 

“Ah well I can help you with that one!” A familiar voice made Kiriko jump, her ears and tail standing on end. “Heh, didn’t mean to scare ya, I’m Klein, and if you need some smithin’ done, I know just the girl for you.”

Kiriko did her best to pitch her voice up to not be recognized “N-nice to meet you Klein, but that’s okay- I- I think I might just wait until I get a better sword drop…”

“Nonsense, Liz is the best in the business, she can make a starter sword scale right alongside Excalibur” He laughed to himself. “What’s your name by the way?”

“K-Kiriko…” She embarrassedly managed out.

Great. I look like my little sister, and the name I chose is 1 letter off of my old handle. I am the smartest woman alive.

Luckily for Kiriko, Klein was the dumbest man alive, and did not question it at all, leading her to Lisbeth’s Smithy.

“Hey guys, I’m back, and I found a newbie who needs some sword help.” Klein announced to the full party.

Kiriko gulped. Everyone but Leafa was here. Asuna, Yui, Strea, Lisbeth, Silica, Sinon, Philia, Agil, even Argo.

With my luck, somehow Sachi is gonna walk through that door isn’t she…

“H-hi everyone, I’m Kiriko… Klein said that Lisbeth is a master blacksmith. At least I think he said ‘master blacksmith’ but all I really caught was ‘master b’-” She knew this was gonna be dreadful, so the least she could do was tease Klein before the whole thing fell apart.

“H-HEY! I said nothing like that- She is a master blacksmith though! She’s been working at it since Sword Art.”

“Yup yup! The best in the business!”

“It’s nice to see you again Liz, I haven’t had a chance to see you since SAO I suppose” Kiriko lied.

It’s not too farfetched to be another SAO survivor… Gives me some leeway if I mess up and say more than I should known…

“Ohmygosh sorry- I usually don’t forget my customers faces…” Liz pouted.

“Hey now, cheer up, consider us equal for me breaking your sword.”

Smooth one smoothbrain. Kiriko thought to herself.

“Eh?” Liz cocked her head. “I don’t think anyone but Kiri-”

“Y’know out in the field, I abused the poor sword, I should’ve taken better care of such expert craftsmanship” She smiled out the quickest excuse she could muster.

“Ahhhh I see. You just reminded me of my favorite customer hehe.” She took Kiriko’s sword from her and got to work on it. “Cute guy, but he’s dumb as rocks. Broke my best sword and made me go on an adventure to forge him a new one.”

“Sounds like a bit of a jerk to me.” Kiriko joked.

“Nah, he’s the sweetest guy, but he’s a little bit off.”

“Yeah, he helped me revive my Pina!” Silica butted in.

“And he saved me from the Hollow Area” Philia added.

“And he’s like, the sweetest husband ever” Asuna swooned.

“And he’s the best daddy ever!” Yui chimed in. 

“He’s helped me in more ways than I’d care to say” Sinon said blushing.

Kiriko herself was now blushing and trying to stifle a smile, hearing all these kind things from all of her friends.

“Jeez, put the boy on a pedestal some more will ya? You’re just begging for this girl to be competition in that polycule you’ve got brewin” Klein sighed “Course, ya cant help but love the guy, after all, he saved us all so many times.”

She felt at home for once, the moment was so warm and peaceful.

“Hmm, you even look a lot like Kii-boy” 

Crap.

Argo’s intuition was always top notch. She’d sniff out the fact that Kiriko was Kirito faster than anyone. She needed excuses and fast.

“Well, I’ve been told I do look boyish-” Kiriko idly fiddled with her skirt, kicking her feet a little.

“Nono- You don’t look boyish at all! Infact it’s more that Kirito looks girlish” Philia tried to console Kiriko.

“Yeah! He actually wore a dress recently and he was really cute!” Silica was practically meowing out the compliment.

“We’ve all been thinking, we haven’t seen him since he did it, we’re worried that maybe we teased him too much and now he got self conscious.” Sinon looked down shamefully.

Kiriko could barely manage to keep up her facade. 

Focus focus focus. Think of things to say to make this go away.

Kiriko chose to simply say the truth. “Well, I think if they were willing to put on the dress, maybe they were just finding an excuse to try it out. Maybe they ended up liking it and has been taking some time for themself to work some things out.”

The room went a bit quiet. All that could be heard was Agil talking to customers and Liz hammering away in the background, but both were clearly listening in intently.

“Whatcha mean?” Silica asked.

“W-well… There’s this thing I’ve been reading about on some MMO forums. Apparently some guys will dress up with female avatars as a joke, and then realize something, that maybe they were girls all along. Maybe your friend is doing that?”

Kiriko was stuttering out almost every word. There’s no way they wouldn’t catch on.

“Well, then I’d be the luckiest woman in the world to have the best wife in the world.” Asuna announced.

“Yeah, and I’d get to have the two best Mommies!” Yui said, with Strea nodding along with her.

“Nomatter what, they’re always our Kirito. We’ll always love them nomatter who they end up being.” Sinon added. 

“Yeah, and I can have my own big sister instead of a big brother” Silica giggled to herself.

“Well, she already has a little sister, you sure you can compete with that role?” Kiriko pet Silica’s head and then she realized what she just said.

“Wait… how do you know Kirito has a sister?”

“W-well I’ve been playing with a girl named Leafa whose been teaching me everything- and she keeps talking about her brother Kirito so I just assumed since you both brought up the name.”

Next quest: PLEASE GET BETTER AT LYING BRAIN Kiriko screamed at herself internally.

Argo mischievously laughed. “Yknow Kiriko, I have gotten some inside scoops that Leafa’s been playin alongside a new account and callin her ‘big sis’. Now aint that somethin Kiriko? Or rather Kii-gal?”

Crap. That’s Argo for ya. She knows me better than… well even me probably.

As the tension grew thick enough to cut with a knife, Leafa walked through the door to the Smithy, and Lisbeth returned to listen to the gossip more intently. 

Hopefully Sugu can tell I’m blinking an S.O.S. to her…

“Ah I see you’ve met my friend Kiriko! She’s really sweet right?”

Kiriko shifted in her seat.

“... Fine ya caught me. It’s me…” Kiriko mumbled out. 

No escaping this one chief.

Leafa glanced down a look of “are you sure Kiriko?” to which Kiriko could only nod.

“While you’re about to lose some polycule points for forcibly outing me Argo-” “Polycule points?” Lisbeth inquired.

If I can earn those I’m taking them- Liz thought to herself

“Yes it’s me. I… I just couldn’t stand being Kirito anymore.” The small catgirl looked to be near breaking point. “I.. I didn’t wanna lose any of you. I never had friends until now. And I was so so so worried I’d lose you all. I’d been keeping this down since GunGale. That avatar stuck in my head like a parasite. I couldn’t stop thinking about having long hair, and cute outfits, and twirly skirts, and- and after I tried on that stupid maid outfit, I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t be that same person I was anymore.”

She couldn’t stop the tears anymore. She just balled herself up on the couch. But then she felt a warm soft embrace around her. And another, and another, and another.

“Kiriko, I’m so proud of you. And trust me, you’re still the person I fell in love with in Aincrad. I’m not gonna leave you because you found out more about yourself. That’s just more of you I get to love. I get to fall in love all over again with a wonderful wife.” Asuna held Kiriko tight, and rubbed her cheek against the girl.

A hand was placed on Kiriko’s shoulder. “Heh, you’re so used to playin with chicks that you became one yourself, good for you.” Klein smiled every word out. He may not have been the best with words, but Kiriko appreciated the meaning behind each one.

“We’re all gonna love you nomatter what Kiriko…” Silica was gripping onto her even tighter than Asuna.

Yui and Strea held onto Kiriko for dear life, trying to make their new mommy happy.

“Yeah, you’re our favorite gal to tease, and now we can tease you even harder and in new ways!” Lisbeth smirked devilishly before hugging Kiriko with one arm and poking her cheeks with her free hand.

Kiriko felt another hand on her other shoulder, and looked up to see Agil.

“I’m proud of you for finding out who you are. I’m blessed to have met ya.”

Kiriko’s tears turned from fear and sadness to joy and love.

Sinon came walking up to where Kiriko was sat and hugged her from the front then pet her head. “Truthfully, I thought you were trans the moment you said you were actually a guy in that avatar in GGO. Every time we fought there I saw that light in your eyes you’ve got now. I’m so proud of you.” She kissed the girl’s forehead. “And now we can confirm that two GGO Winners are girls too” she smirked.

“Hehe, sorry for gettin ya to come out if you werent ready” Argo tossled Kiriko’s hair. “But ya know I’m just like ya too! I just wanted ya to rip that bandaid off hehe. Makes it better in the long term.” Kiriko could only smile at the rat in front of her.

“And can I please have my polycule points back”

“T-there’s no such thing Argo. And if there were I wouldn’t take them from my favorite rat…”

“Hey I know we already talked Kiriko” Leafa held onto Kiriko’s hand “but I’m so proud of you and I’m so happy to have a big sister.”

All Kiriko could do was smile, she was finally herself, and surrounded by all of the people she held dear. 

And in the back of her head, she heard the faint singing of familiar christmas music, and relaxed.

Heh. I guess even Sachi was here afterall.

“I love you all. Thank you so much. All of you.”

[unkownknowledge]

I know it's not likely, but I really hope that when the abridged SAO series gets to GGO, they make Kirito trans.

Unlikely, but a girl can dream

[approximateknowledge]

Reki what does this mean?! (sao gameverse manga)

sao has 2 timelines; the "main" timeline of the anime and the light novel, and the gameverse timeline form, wouldn't you know it, the games

there's a lot of overlap between the 2, but there's some key differences, and as far as i can tell both are considered canon in their own right

(spoilers under the cut)

now one of the most important differences is of course that eugeo doesn't die in the gameverse

which brings me to the alicization lycoris manga; set in the gameverse, considered canon within it, and written *by* reki kawahara

and mostly from eugeo's pov (lots of yujikiri moments it's great)

so from here

and then this

the core of the story seems to be pretty much about, well:

eugeo surpassing kirito, taking up the mantle of "protector swordsman", and eugeo seems to be *better* at it!

and in the process kirito is well

free of that

free to be someone else, unbound by the role and its obligations, because eugeo is there now

which brings me to the LAST PANEL OF THE WHOLE MANGA

let's analyse it shall we?

-the spaceships and eugeo having a physical body make sense enough with the established tech-level

-the text too checks out, this manga is about eugeo becoming a determined force of good and protection (potentially immortal too on account of being an ai)

this makes sense

but hold on

this whole manga the 2 main characters without a shred of doubt have been him, and kirito

and...

^who's that?

now, sao's artstyle has a bit of a "same face"-syndrome problem at times, so *hair is important*

and this the final 2-page spread of the manga so they're not gonna have rushed it

so then, where have i seen this bangs-arrangement before?

oh right

^thought it looked familiar!

in conclusion:

trans girl kirito canon in the gameverse??!!!

[unfried-mouth-wheat]

Once again on my Kirito is a trans girl lesbian propaganda. In GGO Kirito is at first mildly uncomfortable with being perceived as a girl but quickly goes along with it, and seems to have even practiced exaggerating her movements to be particularly feminine. She only tells Sinon that she’s amab when she feels she’s potentially taking advantage of Sinon’s trust and putting her into a situation she normally wouldn’t consent to. Afterwards, Kirito still keeps acting in a feminine manner for everyone else, and seemingly enjoys doing so too! Conclusion? Kirito is an egg case closed

[thegayfromrulid]

I'm not dead....updating fanfic steadily. A Man Without a Mask just started its Ordinal Scale arc! I hope you all enjoy.

[bobgoesw00t]

✨ If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your mentions, anonymous or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog ✨

I knew this was coming the moment I saw zodiac-senpai answer this so HERE WE GO!!!

A. I’m pretty sure I’ve already mentioned this in other posts but I’m not 100% sure if I have it on my profile bit so I’m gonna say it again just for the hell of it. I’m a gay man (with the heart of a child deep down) that was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome over 20 years ago (people will say that it’s not a diagnosis anymore but as someone who was told I have it…IT’S STILL A THING SO STFU PLEASE) and I’ve been to HELL AND BACK cause I was one of the first people with Asperger to go through my local school district. But I made it through and I’m a better person for it and while there are some days when I wish I was “NORMAL”/Neurotypical…they don’t last long and I’m proud to have this Autism Spectrum Disorder.

B. Regardless of if you’ve read my smuttier fanfics or not it should be PRETTY OBVIOUS that I have a certain thing I like in a fictional character…STUPID SEXY OUTFITS THAT LEAVE NOTHING TO THE IMAGINATION! Here are a few examples just for the hell of it:

Now mind you, the last pic with stupid sexy evil Kazemaru is a bit EXTREME in the ass department, but it’s not his fault some pervert designed the Dark Emperors uniform like that!!! …he’s just making do with what he has. On a side note, I REALLY FUCKING HATE IT when I post a ship template of FICTIONAL CHARACTERS and people reply/reblog with, “YOU’RE A PEDOPHILE! THESE ARE KIDS WE’RE TALKING ABOUT HERE!!! WHINE WHINE WHINE BITCH BITCH!!!!!”. Firstly, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIVE TIFFANY FIVE ORANGES (that’s what GTFO really means xP) because these are FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WE’RE TALKING ABOUT and I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION. While you’re busy bitching about this to me and calling me a sicko, there are ACTUAL PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT’S REAL AND FAKE HARMING INNOCENT KIDS…PLEASE focus on them instead of me and pray that they get the help they need. …that is all I have to say on this topic for now so MOVING ON!

C. Like most people, I have a bucket list and there are things on it. However, there is really only one item on there that I feel I HAVE to do before I bite the dust: take the time to travel around the world (not in 80 days of course, than I would have no time to really explore). There are MULTIPLE reasons for this desire existing, not just video games like Assassin’s Creed (Origins is particular makes me want to visit Egypt EVERY FUCKING TIME I PLAY IT), Forza Horizon (Mexico and Australia are on my list of places to go), and Ghost of Tsushima helping (I’ve been wanting to visit Japan WELL before that came out in 2020 due to anime and tokusatsu), but also due to shows like The Grand Tour (which also involves cool cars which I like so that’s a plus), Survivor (GOD I NEED TO VIISY FIJI SOME TIME) and basically anything and everything Josh Gates has hosted…mainly this guy due to his ability to blend cool moments with insanity…such as when he discovered a unicorn in the mountain of Peru (here’s the clip for proof: https://youtu.be/-N19_t4Y5IU). If I ever do this, I would have to take my time and explore at my own pace not just because that would be easier IMO, but it would also increase my chances of having something like what’s happened to Josh and his film crew many times now. Being in the right place at the right time which results in having this insane experience you’ll never forget and you can look back on it and enjoy the time you had.

[transboykirito]

Kazuko's First Twirly Skirt!

Kazuko and Asuna agree to swap clothes and Kazuko gets excited about her skirt spinning - a rite of passage for any girl.

wholesome kazuko again, because i just really wanted to 1) write her in a cute outfit and 2) wanted to let her enjoy the joy of Spinny Skirt

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

Autistic Anime Boys Prelims - Propaganda Division - Group 2

Propaganda:

Kyouya -

"what's there to say? you know him. you love him. vote kyoya."

Rinnosuke -

"Rinnosuke Morichika lives in an overly-cluttered curio shop, and has a special interest in making magical inventions. Since he doesn’t live in a modern setting— but a pocket dimension slightly disconnected to the outside world— whenever a modern item shows up in his shop via spiriting away, he can obsess over it for extended periods of time. He is quite blunt without realizing it, even to people he cares for. He also has a special ability to generally understand the name and use of any item he touches (though this backfires sometimes, he thought a Gameboy was a doomsday device once)."

Fuuta -

"okay look theres so many fucking signs hes autistic. he cannot tell tone and often doesn't know how to react to stuff which is a major point in his character id say. he was asked if he remembered his victim's name (hes a murderer. oops!) and his response was something along the lines of "Of course I do. I saw it everywhere." because he did not understand that they wanted to know what it was since it wasnt directly stated. im convinced that hoodies are a comfort object of his because i genuinely have not seen him without one except for one time. also hes canonically a chronically online twitter user. also he gets really passionate about his interests. also not really related but everyone in the fandom agrees hes transgender but no one can agree on what way. ive seen every single gender hc for this dude. vote kajiyama fuuta for this sopping wet poor little meow meow of a man."

Hansum -

"He's just a very odd and strange lad, can't remember names well, is an alien (mild spoiler), he's very popular, obsessed with Doritos and becomes their mascot, just refers to everyone as humans which is a mood, and is completely socially oblivious."

Miyuki -

"Relatable neurodivergent-Gifted Child syndromeTM case with all the superiority-inferiority complex that results. A chronic show-off and scheming strategist with a lowkey hopeless romantic dramatic aspect to him, silly cool and pathetic in a very hilarious way. Shirogane has a trademark glare purely thanks to his eyebags as he runs on coffee everyday having to support his family with multiple jobs in addition to class, on top of student council president duties. He's kind and an obsessive perfectionist who fills his entire wall with the weirdest motivational posters. Shirogane is very devoted to his love. He likes penguins (Kaguya and him is peak asd4asd and bi4bi btw)."

Kirito -

"He's autistic and bisexual as hell, and there's a good bit of trans coding in him 🥺

Autism coding: Bro's literally got a sword and swordfighting hyperfixation where, despite playing a game that focuses around guns, he still chooses to use a sword!! We also see him completely missing Asuna's flirting at first (he tells her she could have just checked her friendlist to make sure he was alive, in response to her tracking him down to see him)

Bi coding: Dual wielding swords is literally a euphemism in Japan for bisexuality; and Kirito initially tries to hide the fact he can dual wield out of fear of how the people he's close to will view him (and once he reveals it to them and they accept it, he begins to be more open about it.) Also in the Underworld arc he becomes very close with Eugeo to the point of living with him (and sharing a bed on occasion), and there are several parallels between Eugeo and Asuna, and they're so gay for each other that despite the anime having only a toned down version of it, they're still very affectionate (Also of note is that Eugeo is the only guy in SAO canon to consistently have a 'laying in bed with Kirito' talk CG in the spinoff games) (There's more but it's spoilers and this is a shortened version)

Trans coding: Kirito is very trans coded in the light novel (which shows Kirito's thoughts in much greater detail than the anime) Aincrad arc reveals that Kirito explicitly Does Not Like his real face, and dislikes how feminine it looks (he mentions that its led to him and his cousin being mistaken for sisters) And in Phantom Bullet arc, he's visibly uncomfortable at being mistaken for a girl due to his avatar's appearance, and in response to being misgendered he briefly panics and checks to make sure his chest flat (at least in the anime adaptation) 🏳️‍⚧️"

Shirou -

"Has one goal in life and ignores almost everything in favor of trying to fulfil that goal."

Keith -

"Speaks in a way that is seen as weird and has mannerisms others think is funny. He struggles with not being taken seriously by others because of this and many of the things others say goes over his head. He struggles to connect with other people because of these things. His entire arc in the second film is about him deciding that the people who don't accept him for who he is aren't worth it and that he's going to continue being himself."

Junpei -

"for other fans of this series, I know the more obvious representation here may be Luou, Junpei is So Good. his special interest is ballet and he has so many hangups involving how his family sees him and how other boys his age interpret him to the point that his idea of masculinity is extremely narrow and he enforces social rules on himself to mask and keep people from realizing that he loves something that Isn't Manly. he misinterprets social cues and takes things literally, like assuming that when Miyako asked him to dance with her she meant Right This Minute rather than as a pair in the studio. for some reason the point where he cuts his hair super short to prove his devotion to ballet is also sticking with me, I think maybe it's the combination of the way it's normal for boys/men in Japan to do that, yet Junpei didn't realize that kind of attitude/action didn't suit ballet at all? he wasn't aware that the context was completely different. Junpei also doesn't act or pretend very well, he's gotta put his whole entire ass into his roles, which he then proceeds to get TOO into and cause a lot of trouble, without giving too much away! he's really relatable to me as someone who's socially anxious but very skilled at masking, and seeing him become more comfortable with himself and start to show how he really feels is so inspiring to me."

Kazuma -

"He may be (wildly) misguided but his intentions are good kinda! He’s just the Guy of all time idk how to explain it."

[heyyallitsbeth]

I know Kirito's main thing is the black cloak, but frankly their best look is the white shirt in GGO. She should take the hint and stop wearing all black to cover her dysphoria

[approximateknowledge]

i keep finding more patterns i never noticed as 14-year old and at this point there's so much im really wondering if it was intentional

it just... checks out *too* well almost

is it just confirmation bias? maybe

but at this point i genuinely doubt it

[unfried-mouth-wheat]

I’m going to write a fanfic that’s just the entire first season of Sword Art Online but Kirito is explicitly a trans girl.

[thegayfromrulid]

Hi! I’ve got a fiction request! It’s for Sword Art Online but more specifically SAO II.

So basically, Kirito joins GGO and has a trans fem awakening because of his avatar and everyone thinking he’s a girl. Probably something along the lines of he starts feeling more comfortable being called a girl in GGO and then disappointed when he’s back to the real world in and being seen as a boy. Maybe there’s some internalized transphobia and/or imposter syndrome along the way but I’m not picky! Sorry it’s not very specific if that causes any trouble.

I apologize so much for the wait!

Firstly, thank you so much for your request! Trans fem/trans girl Kirito holds a very special place in my heart, and this prompt reminded me of an older one shot I wrote for SAO Pride Week 2019. If you haven't seen it, Faceless is similarly about Kirito having a trans girl awakening after logging into GGO, and bits and pieces are semi-autobiographical to my own acceptance of myself as a trans guy.

Of course, even though I already had a one shot for this theme, I couldn't pass up this chance to write it from a different angle, so this post contains a sort of two-for-one! The one shot attached to this post is the new one I wrote for this specific prompt, and the link above will take you to the one from 2019.

One shot below the cut!

AO3 version here!

            The beauty of a virtual world is that one can reimagine themselves however they choose. Upon entering any VR game, you’re met with a friendly screen that walks you through avatar customization. There are so many options, from hairstyle to body shape to skin tones. In some, you can even change your race to be more like an animal or alien. Limitless personal customization is right at your fingertips, and because it isn’t permanent, you can always return to your real self and try something else.

            Taking away that ability to creatively reimagine oneself is frustrating. It was something I’d already experienced once in SAO. When Kayaba forced every player to play with their own face, I’m sure numerous people were filled with the same disgust that I was. Taking away that freedom forced us to lose that joyful feeling of separating our real lives from our virtual ones. I was tempted to say the same of my conversion from ALO to GGO. I didn’t get a say in the matter of my avatar because of the conversion; the avatar was randomly chosen for me by the system. And, at first, I really hated that avatar. It wasn’t the picture of the person I would paint for myself entering this world. But something peculiar changed my thoughts about the avatar as the seconds ticked on.

            “Hey, miss, is that a rare avatar type?”

            My heart pounded in my chest as I realized those words were directed at me. I felt that I should have been angry or bothered by the man’s words. Regardless of the rarity of the avatar, even I should have been upset by being called “miss.” Yet something about that word being uttered so naturally to me felt strangely peaceful. It was as if a noise had been blaring in my ears for years and I had gotten used to it. When that noise was turned off, I suddenly realized that I’d been living with it constantly.

            At first, though, I shook it off as a funny feeling. Surely it didn’t mean anything. I abruptly corrected the man, telling him that I was a guy, and after getting him off of my back for raving about the rare avatar type, I hesitantly patted down my chest to check whether or not the avatar had breasts, double-checked my avatar gender in my menu, and then turned towards the road to look for places to buy gear and weapons.

            Along the way, several men called out to me, practically ogling me and catcalling me. The peaceful feeling from before was gone. If this was something Asuna and Suguha had to deal with constantly, I had to commend them for their bravery to step out into a space filled with gross men. I did my best just to bite my lip and keep moving. I skimmed the crowd for a friendly face, hoping that I could work up the nerve to approach someone and ask some basic questions—preferably someone who wasn’t whistling at me and telling me I had a nice ass from across the street.

            The first person I rested my eyes on had ice-blue hair and was dressed toe to chin in olive drab. A scarf obscured the lower half of their face, but from their body type, I presumed I was approaching a girl player. I stepped over to her and awkwardly spoke up.

            “U-um, excuse me…” I trailed off.

            She looked up at me and pulled her scarf down a bit. Her catlike eyes were also an ice-cold blue color.

            “Oh, it’s not so often I find another girl playing GGO,” she said, offering a friendly smile. “I see you’re in a starter outfit. Did you need help finding something?”             The disgust from the catcalling melted away and gave way to that peaceful feeling again. I wanted to protest and tell her that I was a guy, but something about the way she called me “another girl” kept me from saying anything. It wasn’t that the statement seemed to be camaraderie. It certainly helped my situation that she appeared friendly to other female players, but this golden sense of opportunity wasn’t what made my heart flutter lightly and my chest fill with warmth.

            “Another girl,” I repeated.

            She gave me a funny look and tilted her head. I cleared my throat.

            “Is…is it uncommon for girls to play GGO?” I asked, trying to divert from my awkward mumbling.

            She nodded.

            “Yeah, it’s mostly guys,” she said, sighing. “Not that it’s a problem to play with guys, but I’m sure you’ve already noticed how much ogling you can get. You rolled a pretty attractive avatar, so I’m guessing you’ve already gotten whistled at or something by now.”

            I gave her a solemn nod.

            “Don’t let it get to you,” she said. “If they act like asses, you’ll learn where to point the business end of your gun. So, can I ask what got a girl like you interested in GGO?”

            There it was again. That word “girl.” I wound up hugging myself and thinking about that word while I also tried to think of a suitable excuse for my dive. I did my best to shake it off again, but this time, it lingered in the back of my mind as I continued the conversation.

            “Oh, well, I’ve been playing mostly fantasy VRMMOs,” I said. “I thought I’d see what a more guns and grease kind of game was like.”

            My ridiculous excuse for diving into GGO didn’t help draw my mind off of the way this girl addressed me. She offered to show me around town and help me get starter equipment. Every time she referred to me directly as “a girl” or with feminine language, it felt a bit less weird to hear. By the time we’d purchased everything, and we’d decided to go and register for the BoB together, I’d long forgotten the initial desire to clarify that I wasn’t really a girl, and I had comfortably assumed this role of her fellow girl gamer.

            After logging out and pulling the headset off, that fuzzy, friendly feeling of that talk remained in the forefront of my mind as I drove home. I was trapped in that headspace of being the girl that the player Sinon had trusted today and grown a small bond with today. I was so trapped in it that the first words from my sister’s mouth when she got home felt like daggers tearing through the perfectly painted scenario.

            “Big brother, I’m home!”

            I pressed my hands to the kitchen counter and drew in a deep breath. Why did that sting so much? It was the most natural thing in the world for Suguha to say to me. And, since I beat her home most days, she said those same words almost every day. There should have been nothing different about hearing them today, but those words cut deeper than a knife for some reason. It was as if it were jarring to be a girl in GGO and return to being a boy in the real world.

            But, I AM a boy, I thought to myself.

            “You have an awful look on your face, big brother.”

            Suguha’s repetition of the term only felt worse a second time. Just as I had in GGO while wearing the visage of a girl, I did my best to shake off this weird feeling and move on with my day. The feeling of sharp pain in my chest didn’t subside as time went on, though. It continued to prick my heart anew every time I was referred to in a masculine way, and I sported a rather sour face as I stomped into the hospital the next day to dive again.

            “Is there a problem, Kirigaya?” Nurse Aki asked.

            I shook my head.

            “Just a weird feeling,” I mumbled.

            She just chuckled and attached the electrodes to my chest. I sighed and slipped the Amusphere over my eyes. Now was the time to try and ignore any of my personal feelings and focus on the job at hand. I dove into GGO and headed straight for the lobby, where I found Sinon waiting for me with a gentle smile. Her first words melted away the unpleasant feeling almost instantly.

            “Hey, girl!” she greeted. “Are you sure you’re really ready to join a tournament? You didn’t even go through a tutorial or do some shooting practice yesterday.”

            I gave her a smile and a nod in return.

            “I think I get the gist,” I said. “Besides, I might be pretty handy with this photon sword we found.”

            Sinon laughed.

            “I thought you were here to try something different from a fantasy-style play?” she teased. “Well, the girls’ changing rooms aren’t designated here, so we’ll just each grab an individual space to change into our gear. I’ll see you in a second.”

            We stepped into some pod-like rooms and put on our battle gear. I turned in front of the mirror to get a glimpse of my avatar in the armor I’d purchased. It didn’t look any less like a girl. For some reason, it bothered me less today than it did yesterday. I drew in a breath, trying to put my brain back into work mode, and then stepped out of the dressing room to meet up with Sinon again.

            She showed me into the main lobby where the prepped players were waiting for the tournament to begin, and numerous spectators had gathered to gamble on the outcomes and drink virtual beer to their hearts’ content. Several men turned their heads to us and immediately started to whistle at us and whisper about us. I clenched my hands into fists, a bit irritated by their behavior, but unlike yesterday, I couldn’t drag myself away from the feeling that their acknowledgement of me as a girl felt right. Even as Sinon walked me through the workings of the tournament, introduced me to one of her gamer friends, and waved me off as I entered the tournament space, I was stuck on that sense of correctness.

            It made so little sense that I wound up ripping the Amusphere off rather abruptly when I left the dive. I couldn’t even properly thank Aki for looking after me while I pursued a possibly dangerous criminal. I just walked as fast as I could towards my bike, and then I sped home, trying to make sense of those opposing feelings. Pleasant feelings filled my chest when I was being referred to as a girl in GGO, but yesterday and this morning I’d felt miserable being called a brother and son. Those were feelings I couldn’t accept.

            Pull yourself together, I thought. You aren’t a girl. You know that.

            But trying to tell myself that mentally didn’t erase the stinging feeling that greeted me when I walked through the door. Yet another “Welcome back, big brother!” and I was filled with disgust for myself. This had never bothered me before. I couldn’t understand why I felt like this, nor could I ignore that my brain was entertaining remaining in the more pleasant feeling. If putting on a more feminine look and being called a girl stopped that pain from happening, then wasn’t that the answer? I shook my head and swore into my pillow.

            “I’m a GUY!” I stressed to myself.

            Those words just didn’t convince me, though. By the time I was back in the hospital for my final stretch of the tournament, I must have looked unwell. Nurse Aki pulled me over to sit on the hospital bed and wrapped one arm around me. I stared down at the floor. She tapped a finger on my arm and hummed.

            “Is something bothering you, Kirigaya?” she asked.

            I bit my lip, and then I looked at her.

            “Can you keep it a secret?” I asked.

            She nodded, and then she mimed zipping her lips up, locking them, and tossing away the key. I sighed.

            “The avatar that was given to me for this job is kind of…feminine looking,” I said.

            Aki raised one eyebrow.

            “Oh?” she said. “Does that bother you?”

            I tilted my head.

            “Not as much as I think it should,” I said. “Ever since I dove in the other day, I’ve weirdly felt more comfortable being in that avatar than in my own skin. But, I’m a guy. I shouldn’t daydream about being a girl.”

            Aki chuckled.

            “I think, perhaps, you may have it backwards,” she said. “I don’t know what kind of home you come from, and I know in this world it can be hard to accept yourself when you don’t have an obvious support system at home, but it sounds like you may be experiencing a bit of gender dysphoria. Do you know what that is?”             I shook my head.

            “No,” I admitted.

            She nodded.

            “Gender dysphoria is when you feel uneasy about how your biological sex doesn’t match your gender,” she said, tapping me on the chest. “It sounds like you saw yourself as a girl and realized that you feel uncomfortable with being seen as a boy. And because you’re unfamiliar with this feeling, you’ve decided that it’s wrong to see yourself as a girl.”

            I sighed.

            “But, I’m not a girl,” I said. “I can’t be.”

            Aki leaned forward to catch my eyes better.

            “And why can’t you be a girl?” she asked. “Because you have a penis?”

            I felt my face get hot. She shouldn’t say such words out loud. This was a professional environment.

            “Kirigaya, what’s in your pants doesn’t determine what gender you are,” she said. “It’s what’s in here that determines that.”

            She reached over and tapped my chest again.

            “You’re a girl if that’s what you feel most comfortable with being,” she said. “Understand?”             Giving her a slight smile, I nodded. I couldn’t say that her words had completely removed the doubt in my mind. They had, however, pointed me in the direction I needed to go. This time, when I dove into GGO and heard Sinon call out to me as a fellow girl gamer, I chose to embrace it instead of trying for the whole duration of my mission to dismiss that feeling. And while numerous things occurred within that one play session, the most important for me was that the feeling of rightness remained with me. Even as I tore through the streets to make it to Sinon before Death Gun did, I knew in my heart that Aki was probably right. When I lay on the floor, a bit dazed from nearly being killed, I felt a knot form in my stomach as Sinon stared down at me.

            “I’m sorry you rushed out here looking like that on my account,” she muttered.

            I frowned up at her.

            “What do you mean?” I asked.

            She lazily waved a hand at me.

            “You didn’t even have time to put on a wig or makeup or anything to pass in public,” she said, as if it were the most normal thing ever to assume that I should look like as much of a girl in the real world as I did in GGO. “Unless…am I assuming incorrectly? I thought maybe you were a trans girl.”

            I sat up and grasped her hand. She let out a gasp.

            “I think you’re right,” I said. “I think…I think maybe I am a trans girl.”

            Sinon’s shock was quickly replaced by a joyful laugh. It was a step. There was still a bit of uncertainty in my heart. There was likely a lot to be done in terms of research, what I wanted for myself, and how I wanted to look to the world. But I had the perfect tool at my fingertips for reimagining myself any way that I wanted to.

            And thus began my use of VR to find myself…finally as a girl.