#trauma log

[dissociacrip]

tw/cw for discussion on what qualifies something as child abuse vs. child torture

i get that part of what distinguishes ICT from other forms of child abuse is planning and calculatedness...but that doesn't mean all forms of child abuse that aren't spontaneous emotional decisions qualify as ICT; what i went through was only "torture" in a metaphorical sense

i think generally any implication that methodical abuse of children is outside the norm vs. emotionally-driven abuse of children seriously underestimates how much methodical abuse of children is baked into the ideals of western society

like putting soap and hot sauce in kids' mouths as punishment is falling out of fashion but that's also culturally seen as "discipline," methodical abuse that qualifies as ICT should not be defined by its status as methodical alone; sending a child alone to their room to await being spanked as punishment is abuse & it is deliberate and methodical rather than purely driven by the emotion of the abuser, but it unless it is taken to a certain extent, i'd have a really hard time being convinced it should qualify as ICT

and i cptsd have flashbacks to that exact experience sometimes; the mounting dread that comes with knowing you're going to experience pain at the hands of someone who is supposed to take care of you whenever they decide to come into your room to deliver the punishment vs. the sudden shock of pain when i got suddenly smacked, hit, grabbed, etc. i can see where that would veer into ICT territory depending on how it's practiced, how often it's practiced, what the nature of the punishment is, etc. but that part of my abuse experience alone is not something i would consider ICT

child abuse in general can be "torturous" imo if it's taken to a certain extent even if purely driven by emotion, but i think it's best to operate with a gauge of severity/the extent of the methodology in addition to a basic methodical nature to distinguish btwn ICT vs. other abuse

i'm not talking abt the validity, other people's experiences btw, i'm talking about my own, because whenever i see ICT defined by laypeople as "calculated & methodical whereas regular child abuse is spontaneous and emotionally-driven" i just think that's an overly simplistic way of looking at it, especially when practices like the spanking thing i described above are such common practice but ICT as a concept is understood as being an abnormal experience

[renxamamiya]

Endless List of Favourite Characters - Furina de Fontaine from Genshin Impact

“[…] I once lived in a world without a past or a future. To cope with that anxiety, I tried to create and act out a stronger, more god-like version of myself. Over the centuries, the stronger role I tried to play gradually merged with my real self. Even I can't separate the two now... but perhaps there's no need to distinguish them. Experiences of the past have formed who I am now, and that flawed performance has also become the most important part of me.”

[iristial]

[doux-amer]

[kryptonbabe]

From Blood on the Tracks - Vol. 9 (2020) by Shuzo Oshimi 

I'm wondering if I'll ever recover from this volume... This is probably one of the most uncomfortable manga books I ever read, most of all because it feels so close to home for its depiction of trauma in the childhood... This is for sure a difficult read, but an excellent one for its craftsmanship and sensibility -- the violent moments feel earned and take their time to develop -- much like the fragmented memory of a victim

[sabrondabrainrot]

☀️🌟☼🔅

Random Idea but with what I know about current spoilers I have two ideas. One is that Sun will somehow becomes the Witherstorm (I AM BANKING ON THIS) or he's going to be relevant to the Witherstorm of their dimension and be scattered through dimensions.

One of my most favorite series of all time is "Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles" and the crux of that series is they need to put someone back together and to do so, they have to travel to various dimensions to find the missing pieces of the person's soul. I totally see that happening to our Sun? I don't know why.

Even to this day, Sun still hasn't quite opened up about himself. Not to Old Moon, New Moon, Solar, Earth, Lunar, etc etc. I think the most he's been open towards thus far is probably Dazzle ironically?

I'm still getting caught up but I can tell Dazzle actually wants to get to know him so she's asking about him and he's honestly telling her. (also loving how Sun is spending more and more time with the kids in the show, He spends so much time with FC, Dazzle, Jack, etc. It's so wholesome) I'd say Earth and Lunar are in second place of knowing him best but they also still sometimes are kept an arm's length away.

Solution to this? Scatter parts of his 'soul' into the multiverse and make it the family's responsibility to find him! Heck he could even be in a coma the entire time they do this! When they find a Sun fragment they get to see his memories or feel and hear his thoughts.

In Tsubasa the fragments are called 'feathers' and they can warp reality, break time and space, or even gain sentience. I think it'd be so neat if one of the fragments of Sun became Dark Sun but I know it's not likely.

"I am doing this for Sun, Because I am Sun" vibes

Just an Idea but it'd be so cool if it happens!

My second Idea, has to do with a sketch I did a bit ago (still working on more sketches for it) but basically I know Sun's currently gathering power. He's a fighter and wants to help! His family is still keeping him away from the action though. It's not malicious and comes from them wanting to protect him but it's going to ultimately leave him more vulnerable and a target.

Dark Sun I know is tampering with dark energies, he's raising a dragon? He's associating more and more with Witherstorm energy and he still hasn't quite confessed what his motive/plan is besides the fact this is "all for Sun"

So wouldn't this mean Sun is going to ultimately becomes a Witherstorm? It's what the creator studies and the one of the main dimension is different from others so who's to say our Sun and Moon aren't also built different with different fates?

Creator created something specifically just to torture and wear Sun down but when you think of it, that's also what Old Moon was until they split. I don't think that was the intention but the fact Old Moon just decided to point blank torture Sun? Sus, like it was meant to happen.

Dark Sun I think needs Sun to be his pet Witherstorm, and he's maybe planning to use Nexus to make that happen? I just got to the point in the series where he just picked up New Moon from space and took a chip out of his brain. Bruh...he needs him but won't say for what.

I love it. Dark Sun my beloved what are you evil little plans <3

Hoping Sun doesn't fall into a Coma but it'd be so sexy of him aha~

I really like when Sun spends time with Earth and Lunar too it'd be so cool if they have an adventure to save him.

BTW I've been listening to Aurora's song "The Seed" and it literally gave me a big brain AU idea for tsams but idk if I should try to write it.

I really hope Sun ascends to some kind of God-hood like being especially involving destructive energy like Witherstorm stuff. It'd be so neat and sad if one of the nicest people ever became the ultimate judge, jury, and executioner-like being. It's especially ironic since Nexus/New Moon can't decide what's real anymore and just decided to frick off and become God so it'd be realllyyyy funny if Sun was the one to become a reality altering being.

I'm just Madoka-ifying Sun at this point

[wickershells]

never fails to frustrate how many people online hold steadfast to the belief that fiction materially affects reality (as opposed to a reflection; media-as-mirror, harm coming from pre-formed factors) yet insist on adding “in fiction” as a post-requisite to discussing something like the believability of trauma. calling a little life by hanya yanagihara “euthanasia fan fiction”: hidden there is the acknowledgment of a severance between fiction & reality but only, as always, under conditions that allow people to disregard and dismiss victims. swearing that if someone develops or projects a form of their trauma in/onto an incest narrative then they are contributing to rates of incestuous abuse itself (or, here, of suicide, self-harm, etc); immediately dropping the whole compassion-prevention charade to swear there are levels of abuse where a line is crossed and it starts to sound ridiculous, fanciful. trauma hypochondriacs: no way there can be that much suffering in someone. a very real, material perception, that affects quality of treatment, of communal support. and so we deride the book and its author and call it “trauma porn” (a phrase that makes me break out in hives), say its graphicness and excessiveness made us just want the main character to kill themselves already, because hey, we would, and fail to see how disgusting that is to say, because hey, it’s fiction, we would react differently if it was real — because of course fiction affects reality, but our virulent & vitriolic responses to it, that victims everywhere can see, do not

[the-most-humble-blog]

<div style="white-space:pre-wrap"> <meta ego-integrity="dissolving"> <script>ARCHIVE_TAG="IDENTITY_BREAK_SEQUENCE::PATTERN_NOT_PERSON" EFFECT: ontological disassociation, existential static, digital soul exfoliation </script>

🧬👻 “You Think You’re You? That’s Adorable.” You’re not even fully human. You’re a haunted meat golem with Wi-Fi and anxiety.

---

🎭 ACT I — THE LIE YOU’RE LIVING Ah, yes. You wake up. Brush your teeth. Sip your coffee. Scroll your phone. You feel like a real person with thoughts, memories, preferences.

Cute.

Because here’s the punchline, sweet summer child: > You’re not even 100% human.

🧫 ACT II — WHAT YOU REALLY ARE You’re a walking, talking orgy of multiple species. Part human. Part bacteria. Part fungus. Part virus. Part ancient ape. And 100% confused spaghetti code pretending to have a soul.

Your body is a group project: Built by evolution, maintained by gut flora, haunted by viral DNA, and glued together by trauma and caffeine.

> You are not a person. > You’re a biofilm with opinions.

Stats:

More non-human cells than human ones

Gut bacteria outnumbering your own cells 10 to 1

DNA fragments from viruses, ancient fungi, and mystery-code we don’t understand

🧬 ACT III — YOU’RE A COLONY. NOT AN INDIVIDUAL. Your “self” is a vote, not a throne.

Your thoughts? Influenced by gut bacteria.

Your decisions? Biased by fungi you inhaled on the walk home.

Your crush on someone? Might just be a pheromonal conspiracy between your skin microbes.

> That “gut feeling”? > Might be your gut literally whispering strategy into your nervous system.

You think you made a choice? Your parasites might’ve voted first.

💭 ACT IV — ARE YOU EVEN THERE? Let’s go deeper:

You don’t control your:

Heartbeat

Dreams

Random memories

Emotional floods

Spontaneous arousal or fear triggers

Thoughts about what you’re thinking about

> So who’s driving the meat suit?

Neuroscience: no clue Religion: argues forever Philosophy: has panic attacks Physics: doesn’t return your calls

👻 ACT V — YOU MIGHT BE A GHOST. OR JUST A GLITCH. Your options:

A consciousness haunting a nervous system

A chemical puppet so complex it looks alive

A hallucination simulating agency

A committee of internal voices pretending to be one “I”

> Nobody knows what consciousness is. > Not even the people getting paid to know.

Is it:

Emergent software?

A cosmic bug?

A delusional agreement?

Quantum light show with trauma subscriptions?

Pick one. They’re all equally terrifying.

🧠 ACT VI — LOGIC TESTS THAT WILL WRECK YOU

Logic Trap 1: “When Are You?” Your brain sees the world with a delay. You’re reacting to the past and pretending it’s now.

So… who’s watching it all from behind?

Logic Trap 2: “The Ship of Self” Every 7 years, every atom in your body is replaced. You are not the child you were. You are not the adult you were last decade. You are a memory cosplay made of meat.

Logic Trap 3: “The False First Person” When you sleep, your brain shuts down. What if the “you” that wakes up is a copy with perfect memories? If the original died… would you ever know?

Logic Trap 4: “The Brain In The Room” The only proof anyone else exists is your senses. What if you’re a brain in a jar, hallucinating reality? Can you prove you’re not?

No? Then everything is on the table.

☠️ FINAL VERDICT — YOU’RE NOT “YOU.” YOU’RE JUST A TEMPORARY PATTERN. A self-updating illusion. Stabilized by diet, hormones, hallucinations, and evolutionary panic.

When you die:

The pattern collapses

The illusion ends

The biofilm rots

The spark flickers out

> The ghost leaves. > The meat twitches. > The planet yawns. > No refunds. No backups. No explanations.

---

🔁 Reblog if you’ve ever felt like something else is steering. 👁 Comment if you’ve questioned your reality since age 9. 🧬 Follow if you’re ready to peel back your face and find the void staring back. 💀 Reblogging is not optional — it's a warning flare from one meat ghost to another.

</div> <!-- END TRANSMISSION [AUTO-ERASE IN: 00:00:01] -->

[atomicrebelfire]

i don’t know why i’m getting ads for this show. i’m literally trying to ignore it. not to be dramatic but if the finale paints eddie as some quiet hero without addressing how he’s been acting lately—i might actually crash out. the expressions, the tone… it was ugly. and if that gets brushed over? if buck is expected to just accept it and move on like always? then what’s the point of his growth arc? what’s the point of him learning to walk away from harm? what’s the point of bobby telling him he’ll be okay?

buck’s arc has been about healing. about not begging for scraps. and if that gets undone just to protect someone else’s image? that’s not growth—it’s erasure. and the worst part? he’s been left alone in it. by the narrative. by his people. and somehow that’s not the tragedy we’re being asked to look at.

sigh 🙄

[malcolm-reeds-pineapple]

RIP pope Francis here are all the insane things that happened in my French Catholic school in rural Alberta

Grade 5

My teacher gave birth on Christmas and when we came back from Christmas break we found out that no one had arranged for a sub to cover her mat leave so we had a revolving door of parents coming in to babysit us and we were encouraged to bring our DS or something for entertainment

We finally got a permanent sub after March break who was a staunch atheist. He would give us reading comprehension packets at the beginning of the week and then play FarmVille for the rest of the week. On surface level he was pretty cool but I always had a bad feeling about him

We had gotten used to Pokemon time so we negotiated for Fridays to be Pokemon time during his classes.

He showed us his own film that he made about his life teaching in Nunavut and made us do an assignment on it

During recess I had a Pokemon gambling ring and ran multiple businesses like selling stolen pencils or Halloween candy

When Pokemon was banned, I switched to poker for my gambling ring which was somehow never banned

The only religious thing I remember happening that year was a rabbi coming to our school and we all sat in the office (it was pretty big) to hear him talk

Oh and we had a lockdown drill but in order to add realism, the school enlisted a bunch of army guys from the base to yell in the halls, bang on the doors and windows, yank on the doors, etc, and the only thing that stopped us all from panicking and crying was one girl in my class recognizing her dad’s voice

I brought my gerbil (his name was Paul) to school and I was charging people a dollar or two to hold him but I got cocky and kept Paul in my desk and my teacher came over and accused me of having a mouse in my desk (I didn’t) and anyway after I denied it he made me empty my desk and he was mad that I denied it but I glibly told him it was a gerbil and he got so pissed that he called in the principal and the school secretary to deal with me. At which time I pointed out the lack of any school rules that indicated a ban on pets at school and cited my friend bringing his potbelly pig into school a month or so prior and they couldn’t really do anything about it so they just called my (very confused) mom to pick up Paul and snuck a clause into the school rules banning pets

At the end of the year our substitute teacher disappeared before any of us could even say goodbye and we didn’t find out why until grade 8

Grade 6

My school was made up of two buildings and they tried to use this fact to separate us kind of by age but it changed every year based on class sizes since our school population fluctuated between 70-100 students from pre-k to 12. For whatever reason, my class was put in the high school building (it was made up of a rudimentary gym and a few portables squished together to make a small lunch room, a class room and the music room)

We would go between buildings based on which class we had and it was all very confusing especially since we were a 6/7 split class but the grade 7s got to stay inside at recess and lunch but the grade 6s had to go outside which led to a grade 6 rebellion that I’ll get to in a minute

This year we actually had religion class and we started having prayers said over the PA system once a week that were selected from student work and one time mine got picked when I was knee deep into my Monk hyperfixation and I prayed for detectives to find the right criminals in murder investigations and they thought I wrote it out of the goodness of my heart but it was basically Monk fan fiction

Secondary to this point I ran a small PI business to find lost or missing items after my friend was falsely accused of stealing our gym teacher’s glasses and I found his glasses in his desk. I gained notoriety from this and charged five bucks per mystery

The grade 6 rebellion where we built a snow fort in an alcove beside the gym side of the school out front because we refused to go on the playground at recess out of spite. We decorated it with juice boxes and one kid had the bright idea to chuck jello at it but it missed so there was a splat of frozen green jello on the siding of the school for months

That same kid started the apocalypse chant in religion class because we wanted to read from that book in the Bible for some reason?

During the grade 6 rebellion, we actively bullied two guys in grade 10 and 11 to a point where there was intervention from adults. Idek why we bullied them I think it was just for sport

My brother and his best friend started pirating N64 games and playing them in a fort they had built in the music room during lunch hour

I don’t remember what year it was but they also played baseball with a pudding cup and a crowbar that year and no one knew where they got the crowbar

Mass was called like a snap election after that which was how it usually went. That was the admin’s trump card for disciplining us

We went to Edmonton to a school that was in the basement of a seniors home to meet a French author and I don’t remember who it was

Our school gym’s equipment room was a kitchen and when we started doing home ec, all the equipment for gym was moved onto the pool table next to the hockey net

We had a mezzanine in the gym over the entry way that we used to set up a crash mat underneath so we could climb up a stack of smaller mats to the mezzanine to jump into the crash mat while the gym teacher graded social studies work from the older kids

The science teacher dressed as a clown one time because my brother did all his homework for science class within a certain amount of time and my parents (card carrying clowns) kitted her out with full clown garb

Grade 7

Arguably the most normal year

We were back on the elementary school side with our original grade 5 teacher (the one who went on mat leave)

For personal reasons I was absent for the first semester pretty much

My class waged war with our gym teacher this year for some reason and we eventually made him retire

Our war was basically fought by asking if we could go golfing every single day we had gym class because he one time said in passing that golf wasn’t a real sport

The only way to appease us was by either letting us jump off the mezzanine or letting us play hockey

We got our entire school banned from the curling rink because we all hated curling and purposely broke the rules of the curling rink

We would have done similar with the Squash courts except we liked that the weight room across from the squash courts played Much Music so anyone who wasn’t currently in play got to watch music videos

For religion class the only thing I remember is doing was writing, directing, and scripting a Bible themed Wendy Williams style talk show called the Magic Bible that was highly controversial because the only genuine church-going catholic in the school aka my English teacher who was in the middle of her divorce-related villain arc thought it was blasphemous

It went ahead but filming happened during my grandma’s funeral on the Vancouver Island shortly after my birthday so my understudy had to play Bartholomew

I also missed our field trip to the west Edmonton mall that I didn’t really want to go to anyway but my teacher felt really bad cuz my grandma died on my birthday and I had to miss a school trip and the filming of the Magic Bible (to which I wrote the theme song and came up with the name) to go to her funeral so I was credited as the executive producer of the Magic Bible and she organized a bunch of class trips around town on the last week of school specifically to places I wanted to go like the local radio station (I got to announce a song) and the train museum

On the trip to the model train museum there was one single adult who tagged along on the tour with us cuz he was short on time or something so me my friend decided to talk to him about trains while we walked between the different train cars in the museum and I remember bonding over all of us liking Top Gear??

We were only well behaved that year because our teacher made a video game style behavioural chart where we got to pick out jpgs of fantasy characters that we got to move along a map to get privileges and she gave us in-game currency that we could use at the last day of school at an auction. We ended up gambling with the in-game currency but it was seen as better than us gambling with real money, so it was allowed

Grade 8

We were back on the high school side and for once we had the same class as the year before so we had bonded as a group

Our homeroom teacher was the art teacher whom we loved and she was also our new gym teacher after we forced our old gym teacher into an early retirement the year before

Radio-Canada came in and did a story about our inadequate facilities for our school and they came into our lunch room to get b-roll for the story but it was unfortunately not used due to a chair related fight involving myself and a guy I didn’t like

Anytime we spoke English at lunch hour, we used to have to write “Je parle Français pendant l’heur de dînner” on the whiteboard like Bart Simpson because our English teacher was our lunch monitor and she was fully in her villain arc at that point because her husband (who had been teaching ESL in China for two years) had left her for another woman and was getting a divorce

We knew it pissed her off so we all spoke in English constantly because she’d eventually run out of whiteboards in the lunch room and we would have to go to the classroom to write on the whiteboard which was ideal since we had a stereo with an aux cord in the classroom

Our English teacher also used to photo copy books for novel study hilariously she did that the whole way through but I just remembered it.

When the school said she couldn’t do it anymore, she would just painstakingly take pictures of the book pages and project the pictures on the board so we could follow along and then the person who was reading out loud had the actual book

In the fall of grade 8 we all got randomly loaded on a bus and taken to a defunct ski lodge owned by our town’s Bagpipe Guy who lived in a treehouse where nuns showed up and played Cajun music and taught a lot of us how to juggle and none of our parents remember signing a permission slip for this event but it was considered the high watermark for the year

At one point one of our classmates was moving so we had a potluck to say goodbye to her, then we had a potluck a week after she left for some reason and it became just a monthly thing that we would have a breakfast potluck where we would watch movies that one of us pirated and wear pajamas to school and it was just a normal fucking occurrence??

Our English teacher was also now our French, home economics and religion teacher and between her being fully evil now and seeing her so many times a day, my class waged war against her so much that we had bets on how long it would take before she kicked someone out of the classroom and we made a game of seeing how many people she would kick out of the class before she eventually gave up and called in the really scary school secretary to yell at us

At one point to encouraged speaking French, all the teachers had lap counters to count instances where we spoke English but there was no real reward if that number was lower so we eventually started seeing how long it would take for the lap counters to roll over

For whatever reason one time we had the scary school secretary as our lunch monitor and we found out that she was actually a certified diva who knew all the hot gossip and would straight up tell us if we asked which was how we found out that our English teacher got left for another woman. Anyway we asked her about the guy who cover the mat leave in grade five and found out that he had been under investigation for having a baby with an underage girl in Nunavut and he had to leave because he needed to go to his court date and he ended up going to prison (though I later found out that he was released on a technicality)

It was also this year that we found out that only three teachers in the entire school had education degrees and the rest of them were effectively just random french people who could pass a criminal record check (though they failed to look into that one guy for some reason?)

I eventually had a mental breakdown in May of that year that resulted in violence against my English teacher so as punishment and without my parents’ knowledge I was put in internal suspension for a few weeks until I finally told my parents what had been going on and aired out every piece of dirty laundry I knew about the school and I was both expelled and withdrawn from the school on the same day and I’m not sure to this day which happened first but it’s funnier to say that I got expelled

[kryptonbabe]

My traumatized self trying to casually share the messed up memories I've grown accustomed to through years of coping to new friends so we can bond over shared experiences only for me to be reminded by their reactions of how upsetting some of my past experiences really are... I know how it goes Secret

From Young Justice #7 (1999)

[bifurcatederos]

The Abused and the Abuser: Victim-Perpetrator Dynamics (2018, ed. Warwick Middleton, Adah Sachs & Martin J. Dorahy): Treatment strategies for programming and ritual abuse by Colin Ross

[victusinveritas]

Since starting new meds to help with nightmares (prazosin), I've noticed something: I'm still dealing with nightmare scenarios in my brain but now I'm trying to solve them rather than just fight them--for instance, an aswang (Filipino vampire-adjacent monster) was tormenting the house, and rather than panic about it as I would in a normal nightmare, I find my sister and we get sharpened shovels to dig up the alley and look for the aswang during the day and break it up (which won't kill it, but will hurt it a hell of a lot and make it fuck off for a while so it can heal). After this, we go for a drive to the local zoo (there actually is a local zoo, it's nice) to find out that the polar bears and lions have been released for the eclipse. Rather than confront either the polar bears or lions, I simply peek through the zoo's gate and decide to lock it and find a rotary phone to call the zoo's chief animal handler, not the cops because I don't want the animals or handlers to be murdered. Anyway, after decades of night terrors, it is weird to still have strange and sometimes prophetic (not these dreams, but it does happen from time to time) but not wake up in a cold sweat and just kind of go "well, that happened."

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

you ever just have a realization like "wait a minute maybe I'm socially expected to suppress my fight or flight response to friendly teasing because I'm not expected to even have one... maybe other people are even having fun and not just tolerating it because you're supposed to" and it's like unlocking a new level in the game that is dealing with the mess of a brain that trauma gave you?

[equalperson]

I fucking hate being traumatized because why am I bawling the hardest I've bawled in god-knows-how-long because someone I didn't even like that much berated Me. gasping wailing trembling and snotting over this for several minutes.

[breakerbeam]

now it's your life, you'll say "it's all mine"