#truly was fucking around at max 'idk what the fuck im doing but it sure is pretty'

[larrythefloridaman]

dead kid

funny angel (resurrected by the unrelenting acknowledgement of the gestalt of creation as something Limitless)

[milhazel]

TW ED basically diary entry of v intrusive thoughts these may or may not apply to you and if they do I’m truly sorry you also have felt this way before plz take the time to focus on yourself and your mental well being <3

unfortunately my brain has finally become overly saturated with thinspo pics I need real life painful and traumatic encounters w skinny women to finally have the motivation to get where I want to be… I need a real life ed friend who doesn’t know I’m also struggling so I can go undercover n shiii. The thing is I get these everyday but the hate that festers inside me towards them because their standard is so excruciatingly hard to achieve that my ed flips a switch and goes hinge mode on me then I hate myself the next day fall into imposter fasting mode (only eating when no one is around to feel like I didn’t eat or make sure they don’t see me eating out of pure embarrassment) or genuinely fasting for a good max of 12-14 hours only to feel that same hatred again and binge.

like you know what I mean the pictures just don’t help me not binge anymore I always resort to feeling angry towards ppl who look like that and saying fuck them im eating yknow, like there’s a little voice in there fighting for me but it’s not the kind of voice you pity it’s the kind that’s desperate to keep you alive but you just don’t want it to it’s so frustrating I cant turn it off anymore without having someone say something mean to me or seeing other ppl in my life lose weight, I know we’re all supposed to be pro recovery but the only thing recovery has brought me is more pain and more grieving over my ed where I use it to characterize how I was as a person wishing I was that version of myself again with that same mentality, it’s freeing to know that I was once like that so in reality there’s hope that I go back down that direction, all I need is that silly little trigger that’ll eventually kill that voice and keep me from caring about being fed so often I DONT NEED TO SURVIVE LITERALLY CAPITALISM IS MAKING ME THINK SO HARD AN WHEN I EAT AND WHAT TO EAT NEXT WHY CANT I REALIZE THAT THE FOOD ISNT GOING ANYWHERE AND THAT I WONT DIE IF I DONT EAT EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY

I basically live w my bf at this point and never have my groceries at his place so I never rly ate around him all the time, but now I recently started bringing my food in preparation for being there for days at a time and it’s almost surprising to him when I eat, as if he has this notion that I shouldn’t be eating with all of this fake worrisome looks when I say I’m not hungry then not doing anything about it. Idk if I’m going crazy if I’m delusional or I’m just overthinking and being naive but I stg he looks at me w disgust and wishes he had someone more attractive, I feel like his friends make comments with all their single asses going out and fucking college whores every other day while they claim that they “like” this one girl they met and like spending time with her, sometimes the people he surrounds himself with disgust me and he doesn’t see a problem, either that or he’s just part of the problem :) irdk what to think anymore and Ik I’ve said this on here before while using this as my private diary but I rly mean it this time I don’t know what to think or how to feel I feel like I’m constantly being tricked and made fun of and judged and have expectations over my head that I simply just cannot reach with the mindset that’s growing in me right now and NOBODY sees this literally NOBODY then I get blamed for my lack of communication when it’s so clear as fucking day that there is no way all of what I endure is going unnoticed I just need to fast and turn my brain off for a while, reclaim the life I’m going for without naive respect for everyone around me to the point where I literally leave myself behind. I told you I suffered from bulimic thoughts and actions over the past summer and cried in your arms told you that I was lacking confidence and always feeling like a convenient option what more can I do to communicate this to you

[rigginsstreet]

oh calebs interview answer about billy is even more unhinged now that ive actually read it lmfao

first of all “billys a great character but hes racist” okay...

anyway

him saying lucas’ interactions with billy were traumatizing.... ok listen. yeah. im sure they would be. however. THE SHOW LITERALLY NEVER GETS INTO THAT! i feel like at most i remember lucas giving billy a skittish look at some point BEFORE the night of the fight and then after ? we get absolutely zero indication lucas has been affected by billy at all. clearly not since hes still running around with max in season 3. or trying to idk what they were doing i block that season out as best as i can

but the best part is truly “billys a terrible guy and jason wasnt because he actually befriended lucas”

sir.... in what world did billy have to be nice to lucas period? like as an older sibling i have never once given a fuck about anyone my brother has hung around with. i can tell you the names of like 2 friends hes ever had and even beyond that i have never spoken to those people

like that whole bit just read like lucas was owed billy being nice to him or something it was super weird. 

oh and the “jason wanted to be a superhero” bit like... his intentions dont mean shit once he starts waving guns at people and getting mobs to attack 11 year olds like what the fuck is everyone on these days literally nothing in his response made any sense

[ziracona]

hey zira, what are your hot takes on all of the fo4 companions?

Haha, I don’t know how hot they are, but I can give you a speed run! (Also I am very excited to get this. FO4 was the first open world game I ever played and just the concept of that and the hugeness of the world and branching story & sudden feeling changes towards me in companion characters totally blew my mind, & it still lives rent free in my heart).

Ada, Old Longfellow, and Strong I /still/ haven’t maxed despite having too many hundred hours to want to list on this game—the former bc they were DLC, Strong because honest to god I left him at a nice settlement and then completely forgot about him and remembering that I am the energy in this Ryan O’Flanagan video but abt leaving my super mutant in a tiny settlement alone. I will get there! To max affinity I mean. But anyway, I don’t truly know those three, so my takes are incomplete. So far though, I really like Ada. She is a good girl just trying her best. Fucks me up I can tell her to self destruct. Even though I feel sure she would ignore me, I cannot imagine ever saying that to her. It was really sweet she was willing to forgive the Mechanist and move on with her life. A good girl. Longfellow I am maxing rn (was last time I played anyhow). I enjoy him. Gruff grumpy old man but he seems quite decent and I like his idle banter and when he sings to himself a lot. Seems like he’s had it rough. Strong I liked. He’s wild, and I loved how insane meeting him was, and am worried about him eventually understanding poetry and how that might mess up his sense of world understanding. But he’s a chill dude in his own way and I am glad they gave us at least one nice super mutant.

For the companions I actually do know like the back of my hand, the speedrun:

Nick Valentine: Best man on earth. One of two fictional characters I ever called husband. I would die kill or live for him. I want to be 1/4th the man Nick Valentine is. One of the best characters ever period and I adore literally everything about him. It fucked me up early in game where right after he offered to basically risk destroying his mind to help a stranger look for her son, he asked me how I was doing. First character in the entire game to do that. His first companion dialogue is abt how you’re doing TuT. The man is very kind and forgiving and fair, but knows when the draw the line and take no shit. Emotionally mature, kind, caring, longsuffering. Incredibly damaged and broken by life, but holding on and living kindly and to help others anyway. One of the four most marryablen fictional men I’ve ever seen.

Preston Garvey: Brave, kind, sweet man. I would defend him with my life. He really just wants so bad to make the world better and life has been so hard, but he’s still trying. A beautiful and underrated companion and I would throw hands for him on sight. I adore how he whistles. A true and gentle and loyal friend. Take him to Quincy and let him get his justice it’s what he deserves. People who hate him because he tries to get help helping civilians in that game are weak. I love him so much... please give him enough time to reach max affinity he’s so worth it.

Deacon: *To the tune of You Are My Dad* You are my friiiiend! You’re my friend! (Boogie woogie woogie). Initially, he pissed me off bc he lies all the god damn time, but after we got close enough he actually trusted me, he stole my heart and I would also die for Deacon. He’s a really good person who thinks he’s shit because of who he was on his past. Also him 🤝 Preston: massive survivor’s guilt. They should be friends. Poor Deacon has been the last member of the Railroad like four times, and it’s awful. Help him. Give him love and support. He’s one of my all time faves. Also, Railroad hands down best faction and if you kill them for any reason other than like a walkthrough route video and I ever get the chance I would 100% clock you in the face as hard as I can, like going for losing teeth, and feel no guilt. I know it’s a game and that’s wrong, and I’d be wrong, but I’d still do it. Also, Ryan Alosio (his VA) saw me do cosplay for Deacon once and told me it was great and it filled me with even more love. Anyway Deacon is great. Also, his whole “There are other organisations out there. And, in time, I'm sure they're going to spoon-feed you their own patented form of bullshit. Ignore the verbage and look at what they're doing. What they're asking you to do. What sort of world they'd have you build and how they're going to pay for it.” Is one of the like, two most iconic quotes in all of FO4 & just super good in general.

Hancock: Hardcore badass man but also a good dude and a champion for the people. Man really puts his money where his mouth is and you gotta respect that; another favorite companion for sure. Big fan of the way he stabs a guy for you upon meeting, and is a cool leader who organized his crime and does a decent job actually leading. He works hard to help people and bites back hard. Social justice advocate, dangerous man about town, not afraid to cosplay a revolutionary war hero 24/7 & u gotta respect the no fucks given attitude. A chill dude. Like that he fights the institute, hates the Brotherhood, helps the Railroad, and is friends with Nick. He’s legit af. Also, his VA gives a different answer every time someone asks him about the voice he did for hancock and they’re funny af.

Piper Wright: A cool spunky lady. Lois Lane on the case, kicking butt, and taking name. She’s nice but also hardcore and smart, supportive, fun. A good person. You always get points if you like Nick (which most companions do), and they’re good friends. She’s funny and I love her. A good heart.

Codsworth: He’s great. He’s family. He’s like my...weird brother. Getting to max affinity is heartwarming and also makes my heart go :’-] . Great early-game companion bc he kicks ass and doesn’t need stims to heal. I love getting called by my name and think that was a great feature (well, my PC’s name). He’s a wonderful funky little robot dude and I am so glad he likes me.

Dogmeat: Amazing. A good boy. Doggo of the year. His actor deserved the game award she won. Cute, full of love, and plays with a teddy bear if you give him one. 100/10z

Cait: I like her a lot. She’s been through so much shit, and it makes sense she is how she is. I like they actually gave her an emaciated and messy (though still pretty) design, since she is a drug addict. And that they make her main quest about taking that seriously and wanting to get help, and that she’ll call out the player if they fuck around and do drugs in front of her after she gets rehabilitated. Her relationship to the PC if good is really sweet, and I am a fan. I like that while she’s not sympathetic to synths and thinks they aren’t people, she forgets that every time Nick walks into a room and is like “Oh hey Nicky : )”. She’s a good girl who has been through a lot and still needs time to heal and find herself, but she’s making great strides.

Robert Joseph MacCready: Human disaster (loving). Homeboy a goddamn /mess/ but I love him. He tries so hard to be cool. I love he makes you pay him to come with, then chickens out and gives it back lol. A fool ball of anxiety and bad decisions and what he thinks brovado is. I wish he, Preston, and Deacon would quit fighting, bc I am always like “ :’-] </3 Boys Please” when they swap out, but I love them just the same. He’s doing his best, he’s just stupid and a fool. Like Philip J Fry. Keeping his goddamn soldier toy, which somehow is listed as junk instead of sent to Misc with quest items where it would be fine, safe?parylizes me with fear. I’ve lost 2 hours of gameplay reloading an old save bc I accidentally lost it.

X6-88: A more complex one to answer about. He’s bad, but like, I’m pretty sympathetic to how he got that way. He was created in a lab and had his emotions mostly dragged out of him in intense psychologically damaging training so he would be a weapon and view himself as an object. I was relieved he chose me over the institute even if he wasn’t a fan of the chocie, and think that means there’s a lot of hope for him. Wish he’d chill the fuck out and quit intimidating civilians for 6 god damn seconds, but I like him. I bring him fancy lad snack cakes home from travels all the time, bc Synths are supposed to like them. Really like that he’s the /most/ sympathetic companion towards Danse in Blind Betrayal, even though he should not be programmed for that, and Danse hated him and made it clear any time they interacted.

(EDIT) Curie: I FORGOT HER BABY IM SO SORRY. I like Curie a lot, despite the fact I temporarily forgot she existed. I stg I thought she was in here. Uhhh, okay. Curie: like her character and personality, HUGE un-fan of both the way her desire to get a synth body is to be ‘more real,’ as if Codsworth isn’t a fully realized person while the same robot type she is, instead of just like. Because it would make her happy. ALSO hate how much of a Born Sexy Yesterday she is, even intentionally in not-determinate affinity talks. It’s gross. But her herself, I like a lot. She’s my daughter and I will protect her. She works at The Castle right now as their on-site medic.

Paladin Danse: I know I’m gonna take heat for this but honestly? He didn’t do much for me. I like that he looks and sounds kinda like Buzz Lightyear, and that’s fun, but idk at all why people think he’s so hot. He’s very boring & generic looking to me. Like you’re valid! Taste all be different. But he doesn’t do it for me personally in looks or personality. I don’t at all like, hate him. Or even dislike. Tbh I am fairly neutral on him. It was funny making affinity with him though. Every other companion I had maxed, I liked more and more with each affinity talk. They’d be like “So my dad was a minuteman and died and I want to honor him” or “I just want to really feel like I’m a person, for real, myself, and I am glad I met you, because the good we have achieved together is ours, even if I can’t be sure of anything else,” or “My brother threw the cultural minorities out of our city for clout bc the rich citizens were all racist, and I tried to help—I snuck them food to the unsafe ruins they set up in for weeks, but eventually, they just vanished, and I still bear immense guilt and self-hatred over not having stopped that.” And Danae’s would be like “One time a buddy of mine got kidnapped by super mutants. They turned him into one of them, and they’re all abominations, so I killed him and it made me really sad.” And I was just like “...Oh danse. I really wanted to like you more. But what the fuck.” His relationship to Haylen is sweet though. And ofc I saved him in Blind Betrayal. I blew up the Prydwin so he’s safe now too, and he lives in the garden by my house and tells me how glad he is we’re friends, and I’m p into that. Overall, my feelings on him are not strong at all though.

Porter Gage: Not a fan. Like, I appreciated he helped me kill the old boss, sure. And bc I owed him for that, I went to max affinity to see what there was to him as a person. And like, as far as raiders go, he was okay. But he wasn’t deeply sympathetic, and he’s a slaver, and if you try to liberate the slaves he and the others own, he /will/ turn on and attempt to murder you immediately, no matter how close you were, so he made his choice, and it was to be a bad person and an asshole to the last. Really enjoyed the VA’s work a lot on him tho.

And there you have it 👈👈😎. Thanks for asking!

[solasan]

15-25 for ced and alistair!

15. how adventurous are they?

oh, super adventurous. in any way u could possibly take that. out in the world, they’re both stupid and curious (truly some bimbo/himbo solidarity here) — cedany a little more so, because she’s obviously not seen much of the world, so she’ll often get distracted by something shiny or interesting in the wilderness and everyone (bar zev and leliana, who couldn’t lose her if they tried) has to take a few minutes to try and find her again.

in more, uh, intimate settings, cedany’s down for basically anything, and alistair wants to learn all he can. they’re both very careful abt making sure consent is a Big Thing between them, because of cedany’s unspoken issues there, but as long as they’re both interested in trying something new, they’re good. they’re a little less adventurous once they get back together, ‘cause they’re both in their mid-forties and have lived a lot more and have very little time left to be together, since they’re, y’know, on their calling, so they’re more concerned with just having each other, but they stay being horny so props to them i guess

16. do they keep secrets? lie? cheat?

alistair is less prone to secrets — he’s big on honesty — but given that most of cedany’s are very personal, trauma-based ones, ones she refuses to even acknowledge exist, he doesn’t often push for more from her on that front. neither of them are big liars, at least not with each other.

cheating is— a little more complicated. during his marriage, alistair kinda cheats on gwenore with cedany once or twice, but given that gwenore’s aware of these dalliances (after the first one, which was a shock) things get a little murky there. there’s also the issue of him Being Married that means he’s probably Technically cheating on cedany, but it’s, again, super complicated. she also takes other lovers over the years, but they’re technically broken up for most of those. by the end, though, there’s none of that. again, they’re desperate to just have each other again lmao

17. what would make them break up? would it be permanent?

in canon, they break up bcos of the whole ‘im a king and i cant marry a warden or a mage’ bullshit schtick, but that’s not permanent. they actually give their relationship a try more than once in the following years, but it just never works out — the timing is bad, or things are too difficult for them, or he has a family and can’t bear to disappoint his son. they do eventually reunite for their calling and remember why they loved each other and just say fuck it, let’s be in love before we die

outside of canon— they might near a breakup when kids became a topic of conversation, but idk. homeboy has that dialogue abt wanting any future at all with the warden, so ???

18. what are their dates like? how long do/did they date? do they ever feel the need to take a break from each other?

they don’t rly have ‘dates’. unless like… sharing a bowl of stew on a log by the fire together during a night watch and then sneaking off to shag in their tent counts? which is a shame bcos i rly do think alistair would pull out all the fucking stops for that shit — dinner, roses, the whole shebang.

they date technically for only like ??? six or seven months ?? but there’s a lot of tension leading up to that, and then they have a whole angsty entanglement for literally 25 years after that so…… it dont make cents luv x

during those 25 years they need to take breaks from each other all the time, bcos it’s painful to be around each other. but when they’re together during the blight ? could not pry them away from each other if u tried. they’re like halves of a whole, as cheesy and disgostang as that is

19. what do they fight about? what are their arguments like? how do they make up?

arguments between these two are loud and often involve cedany turning into a swarm of flies to chase him when her throat gets sore from yelling. they’ve fought abt a lot of shit over the years, too — in the beginning, she was pretty certain he was an actual, certified, mage-killing templar, so she picked on him relentlessly over the pettiest, tiniest things. then things were cool between them when they were dating, and then the messy breakup happened, and then cedany burned amaranthine to the ground and alistair was fucking pissed at her, and then he got married, and—

yeah. they’ve fought over a lot of stuff. they made up grudgingly in the early days, usually pushed to do it by leliana or wynne, but later on they don’t even rly apologise ??? they just kinda act like nothing happened, which is somehow almost worse, but neither of them rly knows how to cut through all the bullshit and hurt surrounding their relationship to be honest with each other

20. what does their home look like? their room?

:((( it’s just their tent during the blight. after that, they never share space again

21. do they share any interests or hobbies?

they share an interest in running at things with war-cries ??? shdkfhsk no they share other interests too; they’re both funny and like prodding at their companions for entertainment, and they could also both play with max (ced’s mabari) for fucking hours. alistair always lets cedany loop her flower crowns around his head or neck too, like a proper supportive boyfriend

22. does their work ever interfere with the relationship?

does his being king count as work ???? probably. so yes

23. how do they hug? kiss? tease? flirt? comfort?

hoo boy let’s go

hug: long, big bear hugs. like, spine-crushing ones. they’re both super duper touch-starved, so they sorta cling to each other. she’ll tuck her head into his neck or under his chin, and he’ll bury his face in her hair or shoulder or rly anywhere he can reach. they cuddle all the time when they’re Together together, genuinely

kiss: tentatively, at first, bcos alistair has no idea what he’s doing. after he’s gotten the hang of it, though, it’s usually passionate af — biting, tongues, everything. alistair is usually the one to soften the kisses, because he’s a big ole’ romantic, in which case they’re that gross couple just pulling back and leaning in to kiss each other again and again. by the end, though, they only have a couple of soft kisses — they’re mostly desperate, by that point, and they’re crying during a couple of ‘em, because who’s to know but them, right ??

tease: alistair teases clumsily. he once did a strip-tease for cedany and then got stuck inside his own shirt. cedany was laughing so hard she couldn’t help him for a good five minutes. cedany’s much more proficient at teasing him. he hates her for it — he’s always bright red by the time she’s done

comfort: quietly, surprisingly. neither of them are good at dealing with real, deep, emotions. they’re both very tactile people, so generally comfort will just involve sitting right beside the other, pressed close, so it’s not technically a hug — bcos cedany especially will never accept comfort outright, for fear of looking weak — but they know the other is there. if one is crying, though, the other will hold them; stroke their hair, their back, that kinda thing

24. any doubts about the relationship?

yea for obvious reasons shdkfhsjkd this is getting so long im just gonna rapid-fire move on u kno theyre messed up

25. how much time do they spend together? do they share their feelings, or hold things in?

in the blight, loads. after, very little. they’ll go years without seeing each other, honestly. alistair tries to share his feelings a couple times over the years but ced shuts that shit down bcos she just CANT. queen of holding things in. ok this is done im sorry emily ily

[versctles]

SEND A "!" FOR OUR MUSES MARRIED LIFE

@younqdrunk said: ! for obviously alvaro/wren and if you feel like it, anyone else you see getting married, surprise me 👀

ALVARO AND WREN

Who was the one to propose: we both know it is wren because he’s very expressive and assertive like that. he was really looking for the perfect timing as well. but i bet alvaro already had the marriage thing in mind, just that wren was a step ahead of him :~) Who stressed more over wedding planning: this is pretty obvious we both know it’s wren Who decorated the house: wren again ofc, and alvaro probs helps out bc he likes being wren’s cute helper whenever wren wants to be extra Who is more organized: with domestic stuff it’s 100% wren, but then alvaro does a great job taking care of the kids and his workplace seems quite organized as well Who initiates bedroom fun: both of them do, but i mean alvaro just has to breathe in wren’s presence and wren could pounce on him at that moment Who suggested kids first: i’m not sure about this bc they both love kids, so let’s make it a tie breaker and say they both had it in mind before both bringing it up at the same time Who’s more dominant: wren is bc he can be quite the control freak, but he adores his service top boyfriend absolutely adores everything about him Who’s the cuddler: they are both equally clingy with each other, but around the first time i feel like it’s alvaro then wren warms up to him and now they just can’t get their hands off of each other What’s their favorite non-sexual activity: we both know it’s stargazing, probs while having a nice picnic out that wren prepared for them :~) Who kills the spiders: wren would cry and hide behind alvaro until it’s gone, but knowing alvaro he doesn’t kill it and probs catches it to set it free outside . an angel  Who falls asleep first: idk why i imagine it’s more of wren . maybe bc alvaro rlly makes the most out of it and tires him out 👀 Who is louder? wREN jfkbngjb don’t even ask Who is more experimental? i think they both are . always wanting to try something new w each other Do they fuck or make love? they always make love .  i can’t imagine a time they just fucked bc their love is so sensual and passionate and they are both so considerate of each other Who is more likely to be caught masturbating? neither bc i mean they have each other anyway Who comes first? this is something i’m unsure of since they have sex a lot and probs last long a lot so i’ll give it a 50/50 Who is better at oral and who prefers it? they both do, and i feel like they always take their time, barely having a quickie bc they like to do foreplay and oral before intercourse Who usually initiates things? for like major extra things, probs wren . and for like small every day things probs alvaro Who is more sensitive? alvaro is more sensitive w criticism while wren is generally just a ball of sensitivity in terms of details and stuff Who has the most patience? alvaro :~) and it’s one of the trillion reasons wren is in love w him bc he’s so grateful for his patience my heart

MAX AND ZACH

Who was the one to propose: id k why i imagine this being zach esp when they’re both out and it’s that us against the world thing ?? and he permanently just wants max by his side Who stressed more over wedding planning: neither bc they aren’t picky and just want to get married Who decorated the house: i don’t think either are rlly into domestic decorating ?? but i mean zach would put a bit of effort if some guests are coming over . and by effort, i mean hire someone else to do it  Who is more organized: i’m gonna bet on this w max bc zach is just chaos wrapped up in a box, hence why he is the tazmanian devil Who initiates bedroom fun: they both do our horny bois, esp when max calls zach daddy he will nut every single time rip Who suggested kids first: i’m not sure w this one maybe max but like rlly subtle bc he wants to keep it cool and eventually zach isn’t at all against the idea of it Who’s more dominant: we both know it’s zach, but i mean max can be quite dominant too whenever he pleases, and they end up fighting for control Who’s the cuddler: mAX !! soft grumpy boi . zach probs complains w how clingy and affectionate he was at first, but i mean he’s stuck w him forever and he wouldn’t have it any other way What’s their favorite non-sexual activity: neither one of them are fussy like i imagine them just being chill couch potatos, cuddling and watching sports is enough of a classic fave Who kills the spiders: ok i’m laughing but zach will manly scream and run the hell out of there bc he’s almost gotten bitten by a spider when he was a kid so . ur on ur own max, but i mean, zach still loves u Who falls asleep first: zach bc he rlly tires himself out until his energy drops to zero and he’s passed out on top of max butt naked, but i mean he’s pulled out already Who is louder? this remains to be a mystery to me rn buuut i feel like it’s max Who is more experimental? they both are p experimental tho zach is still bitter max doesn’t wanna get fucked in a public alley . but i mean soft cold baby, can’t blame him Do they fuck or make love? it’s an alternate thing but even when they “ fuck “ there’s still that fondness that reassures them it’s so much more than sex Who is more likely to be caught masturbating? zach is a wanker so i mean, you didn’t hear it from me 👀 Who comes first? probably max, but it’s only fair bc he’s the one getting his ass fucked most of the time . and zach he rlly likes to control his orgasm Who is better at oral and who prefers it? they both love oral and anal equally i mean come on Who usually initiates things? if it’s like surprises i feel like it’s max . he seems to be a sneaky little fly . but if it’s like no chill pins him against the wall and aggressively makes out, then it is 100% zach Who is more sensitive? max i think ? but i mean zach can be rlly sensitive too u just gotta crack him right, which max has done, so i’ll answer this w both Who has the most patience? i come to think they both do ? or at least max does a bit more than zach, but zach never gives up on him anyway

CALUM AND NICO

Who was the one to propose: calum bc he when he met nico he was sure this was the only person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Who stressed more over wedding planning: neither but i come to think calum’s mother offered to do a lot of work for it since she enjoys wedding plans Who decorated the house: once again, i feel like calum’s mother offered and these two probs bonded with her while she did Who is more organized: i’ll give props to nico for this bc calum is just phew Who initiates bedroom fun: calum at first ?? since nico seems to be the shy type, but i mean when they’ve dated longer, i bet they alternately initiate Who suggested kids first: calum bc he’s so family-oriented we love him Who’s more dominant: they both are, but personality-wise i’m gonna say it’s nico Who’s the cuddler: calum is vvv affectionate w nico he can’t even hide it What’s their favorite non-sexual activity: skinny dipping, bonus when it’s like training grounds or a pool they’re not supposed to be in Who kills the spiders: they both take turns getting the spiders out, but it’s mostly calum  Who falls asleep first: idk why i imagine nico falls asleep first since calum is crazily energetic, but he’d gladly cuddle nico as he falls asleep ok they are v soft Who is louder? nico  which is why calum is forever smug about it 👀 Who is more experimental? calum is experimental as fuck so brace yourself, nico  Do they fuck or make love? they always make love, but making love can get intense w them Who is more likely to be caught masturbating? idk why i imagine this being nico, but i mean calum is always willing to offer a hand ( heh ) Who comes first? i mean from all the stimulation calum gives, i’m p sure nico does Who is better at oral and who prefers it? calum enjoys oral and idk much ab nico so maybe both ? Who usually initiates things? calum is a lil daredevil so we both know it’s 100% him ok Who is more sensitive? nico bc calum is a giant idiot that probs dropped his head when he was a baby Who has the most patience? calum does, but i mean he loves his grumpy nico

LUCA AND WREN

Who was the one to propose: wren also bc i bet they had a rlly dumb argument before that and wren was so scared of losing luca so he rlly realized how much he loves this pain in the ass and seals the deal with him Who stressed more over wedding planning: they both do, but i mean wren is def fussier since luca just wants something simple and less costly w wren’s vision Who decorated the house: wren does, which sometimes luca finds unnecessary bc of the expenses but i mean wren knows how to make a house truly look like a home Who is more organized: they both are, but i’m guessing wren is slightly more organized ? Who initiates bedroom fun: they both do, but i guess after they’ve recovered from bickering bc that seems to be their priority over sex Who suggested kids first: wren probs saw some kids while they were out in public together and just nudging luca like ‘ how many of them do u want ‘ and it starts that conversation Who’s more dominant: in bed it is definitely wren, but generally they are both dominant which is probs why they’re always at each other’s throat and can only ever handle each other Who’s the cuddler: i think it’s wren also whenever he fucks up w luca over the pettiest things, he just gets extra affectionate when he doesn’t feel like saying sorry yet What’s their favorite non-sexual activity: probs volunteering for a good cause bc they’re such angels to the world Who kills the spiders: neither one of them actually kills the spider, but they’ll both be huddled in a corner praying for it to go away, unless one of them is brave enough to like do the honors of bringing the spider outside  Who falls asleep first: it alternates between them depends who got the bigger head ache that day Who is louder? they both get rlly loud im just Who is more experimental? they both are lbr Do they fuck or make love? they hatefuck i guess, v rare occasions they make love and it’s v memorable wherever the hell they are Who is more likely to be caught masturbating? i feel like it’s wren yikes Who comes first? they alternately do, but i think it’s usually luca ? though they both last p long Who is better at oral and who prefers it? i feel like they both rlly love oral Who usually initiates things? they both do Who is more sensitive? they both get sensitive w each other, hence why they often bicker Who has the most patience? they have the equal amount of patience w each other, even when it’s v little

[malefectium]

𝒶 𝒷𝑒𝓁𝓁𝒶𝓉𝓇𝒾𝓍 𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒸𝓀 𝒾𝓃𝓉𝓇𝑜 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉

EMMA DUMONT —— Well, if it isn’t BELLATRIX BLACK, the SLYTHERIN superstar. For those of you who don’t know HER, you can spot them sitting with the other SEVENTH years. Most people think that they’re HUMOROUS and EMPHATIC, but they can also seem pretty DESTRUCTIVE and VINDICTIVE Sometimes people call them the HELLION. Sure, they’re a PUREBLOOD, but that doesn’t define them. 

character parallels: regina mills (ouat), katherine pierce (tvd), christina yang (grey’s anatomy)

prep yourselves for a lesson in bellatrix black:

 so first, the goal for my girl is to not let her go fULL crazy yet. it’s hard to maintain, especially in a school setting and like??? nonsensical honestly.

 but i’ve let her spiral before so we’ll see haha kajsdhlf but she ain’t so angry this time. im tryin!

 but basically bellatrix is ready to let the world burn for the sake of reaching her goals. she’s ambitious man. she gon be a queen someday. that’s what this is all about. her getting what she wants. what she DESERVES dammit. and she’s a queen. where her kingdom at, you bitches??? WHERE IS IT ???

this grllllllllllllll. damn is she crazy about the female empowerment and crushing your enemies to dust thing.  have a problem?   NBD. because guess what, you have all the abilities in the world to TAKE CARE OF THAT SHIT. idk man, she might be on to something. ain’t nuthin gon stop her and why should it? everyone take notes on how to be a bad bitch.

dumbledore himself admitted she had prodigious skill. not that she’s??? been running around bullying the fuck out of people? she’s just imperious and self-important rn. if anything, everyone isn’t really worth her time

listen.    she bought into absolutely EVERYTHING she was told growing up. ‘you’re a black”,  “you’re part of an exemplary lineage of witches and wizards that came before you and now all that weight is on YOU, bellatrix”    “you must continue this great and amazing line of magic users because it gets stronger with each generation, bellatrix”  “the fact you’re a black is the best and most important part of you, bellatrix” 

 abuse tw:  i mean???? it made her feel special, it brought meaning to a world that can be a little scary sometimes. forget the part where the people telling you these things are literally beating it into you. of course  it made   sense   that her family, these people around her that she cared for so much, were important.  it had to.  why should she think any differently?

 yes, i know the pureblood thing isn’t logical, at it’s essence it’s the search for self-worth at the expense of putting others down based on??????? literally nothing

but sadly that’s where all her self worth lies now. in a legacy  that she can’t even truly continue because she’s a woman. like??? i know she’s not a victim in the future because she makes A LOT of regrettable and horrifying choices???  but idk man. rn she’s just a kid.   it’s sad to me

anyways soap box over

 she is a soldier. so loyal. v dedicated and invested in the things she cares about. she’s not hollow about her emotions. she really really  CARES.  maybe too much. 

 she takes a lot of pride in being a part of something bigger than herself. the black lineage?? hell yeah she’ll take up that mantle. voldemort’s cause?? well that just gets her fucking wet dude. it’s how she’ll contribute, you know? she just doin her part. maybe in a way that she couldn’t even imagine for herself before now. not only will her family be the best and brightest but also??? rule the world??? 

come on man. who’d say no to something like that?

she’s a good student. v. smort. those spells come easy son. maybe she’s starting to dip into some spells she shouldn’t know, you know?? 

she be eyeing that restricted section, fam

 but  she’s also working v hard on keeping her nose clean so dumbledore wILL GET OFF HER BACK. that shithead’s scrutiny of her is over the top at this point. she ain’t done anything

yet

fucKING DO NOT insult her family. i s2g she can’t take it. she’s too protective. narcissa andie reggie even that fucking traitor sirius. she has so much love. I know that sounds crazy but family is her life. it’s BLOOD. they’re her’s, the only things youre simply given when you come into this world and she holds on so tight to them.

her name is her life. it means everything to her. being a black gives her purpose and so much privilege. basically if youre not in her family she feels so bad for you because omg yOUR LIFE MUST SUUUUUUUCCCKKKK. 

but also there’s a lot of pressure coming from that name.  don’t fail because well, honestly you CANT fail. there’s a lot riding on this legacy thing. even with half this family abandoning ship. that’s kind of ..... well that’s kind of adding a lot of pressure. but she can handle it. she has to, you know.   otherwise what else is there?

wow it’s almost like she cares about being a part of something.

 almost like she’s scared of ending up alone because what is she, if not a ‘black’??

 i’m SORRY? depth? fear? humanity? from a villian ?   *gasp*

weird.   wild.   unheard of.

daddy’s fave. omg daddy girl to the max. she admired the fuck out of that man. but her mom can suck a dick for all the fucks she gives. wHICH IS NONE  like pls someone kill the bitch

she’s so loyal. her life hasn’t been consumed by old voldie yet (or maybe ever??? iDK WE’LL SEE) so like. all that energy going to her fam. they haven’t completely failed her yet. sirius was a blow but . . . maybe she still has some hope for him

andie? love of her life. a queen. narcissa?  surely the brightest star in the sky.  reggie? perfect, delicate, and sensitive adult-sized infant, no one touch. sirius? MORON.  . . .  but also her moron, so. he better get his fucking act together

 speaking of shitty choices. hellooo drinking and smoking and general bad behavior type o habits. i’d say fucking but meh dlfkjasdhf everyone gon hate her

 mental illness tw: but yup that’s her escape. she straight up drowns herself in easy things. she’s v gluttonous, and enjoys sweets and wines and good food. it’s distracting when things get too much. when the walls are closing in on her and she remembers that there’s only really ONE option for the rest of her life. it’s kind of scary actually. gives her kind of a headache. plus forget about sleeping man. she’ll toss and turn at the slightest sound. or just lie awake thinking. dissociating. and damn has it been getting a lot worse lately. good thing she always has candy. or a flask.  

 at least it’s better then  leaving  (sorry she salty af about sirius man, she just didn’t see it coming)

possible connections: idk it’s bellatrix dude. everyone gon be scared of her al;dksjfl; but she aint so bad you pussies

[parkjmini]

Outlier | the end

poly!au: park jimin x reader x kim jennie while your lovers said they needed you, you wondered if they knew how much you needed them. word count: 3988 genre: angst warnings: explicit language

[an]: nothing is medically accurate lmao im so sorry i researched like 70 percent and then i implied everything else so dont trust me idk what im talking abt. but a BIG thank you to everyone who sent me so so so much support and feedback for this entire series bc i wouldn’t have had the motivation to finish. getting those messages after posting a chapter made me giddy for my own story and i know what happens. I truly love interacting with my readers and going into plot/character analysis, i just love hearing everyone’s thoughts and thinking processes bc we all interpret things differently, again, thank you everyone who enjoyed reading this story (: 

prologue . 01 . 02 . 03 . 04 . 05 . 06 . 07 . 08 . the end 

After confirmation of the surgery, it became prepping sessions. Your doctor slowly took you off the chemo and gave you medication to ease any discomfort. You were given less visiting hours because you needed to rest. 

But your troubles stirred when you were alone. The moment replayed in your mind when Jennie told you that they were broken up. There was nothing you could say, nothing for you to fix. Jennie and Jimin were respectfully dating you, aware of your decision for still wanting to be with the both of them. It didn’t feel the same though, it didn’t feel secure or safe.

There was no way you could date them separately. Jimin lacked what Jennie brought to the relationship and vise versa. It wasn’t complete without the both of them. Your nurses didn’t let you worry about that, brushing away Jimin and Jennie during your resting hours. 

Jungkook visited you once after you added him back onto your list. He also brought you a vase of your favorite flowers. There was part of you where you didn’t want to make things awkward, but the other part didn’t allow for that. Instead, you blurted out that you knew about his crush on you. Then, he left quickly after you rejected his offer to be with him.

Hoseok respected your time and didn’t visit when he wasn’t allowed to. You were aware of how he had other important events in his life, but you really wished he tried to see you more. You’d hate to admit it, but Hoseok seemed to be the only person you could turn to for any non-biased advice. Since he stopped coming around often, you had to turn to your nurses.

The two weeks were absolutely the dullest moment in your life. You thought that living in your small town with your mom was bad, this was worse. You were stuck in a huge hospital with no friends majority of your stay. Your nurses were only with you for max ten minutes before they needed to go. You had the television, sleep, and your own nervousness.

Surgery was a big decision, so big that you even called your mom about it. You didn’t have the best relationship with your mom, so calling her was a surprise to even her. She totally didn’t bother to follow up on your life, so she never called first. But, you couldn’t go into surgery with the possibility of death and not tell her about it.

She offered to fly over and you insisted that she didn’t. So when she arrived to see you, you didn’t hesitate to give her a piece of your mind.

“What are you doing here? I told you that you didn’t need to come. Where did you find which hospital I was staying at?” You groaned into your pillow.

Your mom set her things down and crossed her legs while she took a seat across from you. “I asked the school. I’m your mother, for fucks sakes.” 

“Yeah, well you didn’t think that when I was growing up, so now that I’m dying, you decide you should start caring.” You rolled your eyes at her gasp.

“How dare you say that to me? I raised you when your dad walked out on us.”

“If you think being drunk and picking me up from my after school programs means raising me, then yeah. You did great mom.” Your sarcasm came out in train wrecks when it came to your mom; she drew the worse out of you.

“(Y/N), you have cancer and you decide to let me know when you’ve already decided for surgery is not exactly the most responsible daughter thing you pride yourself to be.” She shot back.

Your nurse came in to cue that she only had 15 minutes left before she needed to leave. “It honestly didn’t cross my mind that I needed to tell you since you’ve never cared enough to call me these past years except to invite me to your stupid wedding. Might I also add that you didn’t tell me about until the day before, so that makes two of us.”

“I didn’t raise you for you to treat me like this.”

“You didn’t raise me at all, what are you saying? But how about we talk about something else, since that’s all we ever talk about. News flash, mom, I have fucking pancreatic cancer and I’m going into surgery tomorrow. I’ve been going to chemo these past three months and I have almost to no hair. My body is bruised from being poked by needles. I am dying! Thanks for even having the audacity to come see me before my maybe death tomorrow. Don’t let the door hit you in the face.” You shouted as loud as your lungs let you go.

Your door opened and you both stopped your argument to see Jennie and Jimin standing under the frame. They looked stunned and confused to see the lady who you resembled. “Did we come at a bad time?” Jimin asked.

“No, since this is your visiting time.” You crossed your arms, glaring at your mom.

“Who are you two?” She asked, rudely.

“Mom, that’s my boyfriend, Jimin and that’s my girlfriend, Jennie. Welcome to the modern society of polyamorous relationships where I love two people at once.” Jennie and Jimin have never heard such sarcasm run out of your mouth. You were always just subtle, but this side of you was new.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you.” Jennie stepped forward and your mom got up.

“Well, I can see that you have a whole double life I know nothing about. I guess you don’t need me anymore. Good luck on your surgery and whatever you call a relationship.” She grabbed her things and walked past Jennie and Jimin.

“She was pleasant.” Jimin said sarcastically and you rolled over on your side.

“This is why I never brought you home with me for the holidays.”  Jennie hurried to cuddle up to your side. 

“At least we avoided an awkward argument over Christmas dinner.” She chuckled and kissed your ear.

Jimin sat on your opposite side. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” 

Sitting up in Jennie’s arms, you buried your face in your hands. “No. I’m so scared.” 

“You’re going to be fine. Jennie, Hoseok and I are going to be right outside of your door. We’re going to be with you when you’re recovering. We’re with you every step of the way, we already packed our go-bags.” Jimin tried to comfort you, but you sobbed into your hands. You couldn’t help but cry so much nowadays. Staying strong was hard when you were so vulnerable. 

“And if something happens? Will you be there with me?” It was a rhetorical question that caused them to both fall silent.

“Nothing will happen. They’re highly trained professionals and I made sure you had the best surgeon in this hospital.” Jennie bragged proudly and Jimin laughed.

“Yeah, seeing her demand it was very terrifying. But, she did it. You’re in good hands, baby.” Jimin smiled and kissed the top of your head.

“Can you two just lay with me for the last couple of minutes before my nurse comes and kicks you out?” You sniffed and moved over for Jimin to join the sandwich fest.

“(Y/N), I love you so much.” Jennie and Jimin said in unison, and the unsettling feeling set back into your system.

A group of nurses and surgeons rolled you into a double door room. It was dim, except for the big spotlight that shined above you. Squinting, you saw the surgical masks that blinked back at you.

“Ready?” Your doctor was smiling behind her mask.

“No.” Your voice trembled from your nerves; your palms slick with sweat. “I want to be okay.”

“And you will be, (Y/N). We’re going to start with the anesthetics and we’ll get everything going. Relax, I’m right here.” She held onto your shaking hand and you stared back up at the bright light.

You felt the drugs enter your system, slowly stripping away your consciousness. You’ve already cried out all night your worries and said a few important goodbyes before the day arrived. The jittery feeling caused your body to shake uncontrollably and you were so terrified. This could mean recovery or death.

And while you hoped for survival, you knew the chances were split between the two options. Death was unavoidable, but to die so early shook your bones. Your dreams have just been memories of past events in your life, reminding you of the life you lived. The life you might soon leave. It was harder to ignore death than it was to wish for recovery.

Once your eyelids fell over your eyes, you’ve never felt more alone in your entire life.

“Would you stop pacing? You’ve been walking back and forth for the past two hours.” Jennie complained.

Jimin stopped in his tracks and narrowed his eyes at her, “I’m nervous.” 

“What happened to ‘it’s going to be fine’ and ‘you don’t need to worry’?” Jennie laughed and Jimin rolled his eyes.

“I can’t help that my body reacts the way it does when I’m the slightest worried. How are you so calm about this? They’re literally cutting her open in that room.” Jimin gestured to the closed doors.

“By not thinking about it like that. I’m thinking about the lovely time I get to spend with my girlfriend when she’s done.” Jennie muttered.

Jimin walked up to her and pointed to his chest, “you mean my girlfriend?”

Hoseok pushed the two apart. “She’s both of your’s. Are you two done making a scene in a hospital?” 

Jimin went over to sit next to Hoseok’s other side, making him stuck in the middle of a not-so-friendly feud. Even though they showed up together for visits, they were incredibly hostile to one another when they were alone. 

They slept in separate beds, Jimin taking over your room and Jennie in her’s. They ate dinner with their own friends and didn’t bother to tell each other about their whereabouts. They mostly spoke to each other in scoffs or groans.

Suddenly, the hallway doors were slammed open and nurses were rushing in a big machine --- a defibrillator.

The three of them stood up, seeing how rushed and hurried the nurses looked. The surgery door opened and a surgeon walked out with sweat dripping down the side of his head. The sound of a flat line heartbeat caught the attention of Jennie.

“Her heart isn’t beating, is it?” She was afraid to hear the answer to her question, her chest rising and falling violently.

Your doctor held the door open for the other nurses and defibrillator. “Her pulse went out, but we’re doing our best. But prepare for the worse.” 

Jennie collapsed onto the floor, bawling. “Holy fuck, we’re going to lose her!” She shouted with heavy tears running down her face. It was like her words pulled Jennie’s heart down to the pit of her stomach. Her whole mind and body were shutting down at the news.

“You have to stay calm, Jen.. we’re in a hospital.” Jimin tried to get her up, but she kept slipping his grasp.

“I don’t care! That’s our girl in there and her heart isn’t beating!” She exclaimed and Hoseok helped with holding her up.

Jimin’s head was in shambles, utterly speechless at what was happening. Hoseok was numb to the news, unaware to how to react. They wanted to stay optimistic, that the defibrillator will work. It had to work. 

“Why don’t you two go outside and get some air? I’ll stay here for any further news. Please... it’s not a suggestion. Go.” Hoseok needed to clear them out before they both stressed him out more than he already was.

Jimin walked Jennie outside. The light breeze clearing their heavy, crazy minds. Jennie was choked up by her tears, constantly wiping at her wet cheeks. Jimin stared at the ground, listening to her sorrows. His heart too heavy to express.

“Aft-er -- everything.. --Jimin --- I’m.. really, truly sorry...--” Jennie had trouble speaking with the endless waterfalls from her eyes.

“--Jen..” Jimin barely got out.

“No.. listen to me first. I’ve felt really guilty about all the rumors. We should’ve never gotten together in the first place, especially with someone like me. I’m known as the campus hoe, right? I can’t hold onto a stable relationship even if I wanted to and now my --- girlfriend --- is-- she’s -- dying.” Jennie cried harder, holding her face in her hands as she slid against the wall and onto the ground.

“I didn’t do anything with Jisoo ever. I don’t know how many more times I need to tell you, but I would never hurt you or (Y/N) like that, especially coming from a place where that has happened to me multiple times. Maybe you’ve always secretly doubted our relationship, considering how we got together through an accidental one night stand.” 

“Through our three months together, I fell head over heels for you, Jimin. I’ll admit it. I liked (Y/N) first, but you had a piece of me I didn’t think I could give to anyone after Taehyung. You’re so open, so understanding, so kind. I’ve never fully gotten the chance to explain myself because you keep shutting me down and every time, I believed that my explanation doesn’t matter. I’ve been devalued my entire life by my partners and sadly, I made myself feel that way with you when you ignored my pleads. But I think now is the best opportunity to tell you because we honestly don’t have anyone else who understands us the way we do. We’re both suffering because our girlfriend is in there not breathing. Our girlfriend, Jimin. I love you and through everything, you’re the one of the only people in this world who knows my struggles.” Jennie held him by the shoulders, so he could look her in the eyes as she gripped onto the only hope left in her life.

Jimin invited her into his arms, holding her tight. He had forgotten why he was upset before. He just wanted to be with his girls. He wished, hoped, prayed that things were back to how they were before the misfortune. 

“I’m sorry for making you feel invalid. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.” He admitted and Jennie sobbed harder into his chest.

“It’s okay... -- we’ll --- be...”

“--- Okay?” Jimin finished off and she nodded. 

You couldn’t breathe or move. Your lungs collapsed into your chest and you struggled to supply oxygen to your body. You screamed, but no noise came out and your arms were glued to your side. It was like you were trapped in a motionless body.

Everything was turning fuzzy and a white light blurred your vision. This was it. You were dying. You weren’t sure what realization hit you. Maybe it was the lost of breath and your heart rate slowly declining. Maybe it was the blinding light that caught your attention ahead.

Your memories started flashing before you. Jennie and Jimin flooding your mind. Your eyes scanned for anyone else, but them. However, you were left with scenes of your once perfect relationship.

Your first date night. It was the day you officially joined your partners. Jennie hurried you down to meet Jimin. He was cleaned up nicely, standing all cool against his sleek car. He peered up to see Jennie with the biggest smile on her small face, hand holding yours. 

She told Jimin the news and he was overjoyed, ready to hold you in his arms. He rushed you into the car and it didn’t feel much different than it was when all three of you hung out. The only difference was that you’ve never been more intimate with your best friends. 

Your first kiss. You anxiously sat next to Jimin on the couch during a lazy movie fest you were having with them. He had his arm wrapped around you, twirling the ends of your fingers with his. Your heart beating so fast, being not use to the touching from either of them.

He picked up your chin, knowing that you were distracted. It was an instant spark once your eyes connected and soon, your lips did as well.

Your first ‘I love you’. This moment was one of your favorites. It was Jennie’s birthday and you three were excited for the day ahead. However, a huge storm was rolling in and you were almost home. Jimin insisted in stopping to buy more snacks before rushing back. 

Once you all stepped out from the convenience store, it was showering, pouring heavy amounts of rain. Jennie, you and Jimin were drenched within seconds of going outside. Your plastic bags filled up an inch with collected water. Jimin’s leather seats in his car pooled with rain. All three of you laughed with glee as you marveled the escape from the wet mess.

And you suddenly stopped to admire the way Jimin’s eyes disappeared cutely and how Jennie’s nose scrunched up, her adorable snort catching your attention. In the midst of their happiness, you blurted out, “I love you two.”

The news of your mother’s wedding. An invitation was addressed to you. It had pretty cursive handwriting and a beautiful design. It was a wedding for your mom and her boyfriend, inviting you to join them for an evening of unity. You weren’t aware of them even being engaged, let alone a marriage. 

Jennie and Jimin never mentioned your mom, knowing you didn’t like pressing on too much about her. Their initial reaction was for you to go, until you explained that you didn’t even know she was getting married. You had crumpled up the invitation and threw it away in the trash.

Jennie consoled you, reassuring you that it was perfectly fine that you don’t attend. While you sulked in the living room, they approached you with the idea of still giving your mom a gift to congratulate her. It showed that you were the bigger person and that you acknowledge her efforts. They made you a better you.

Throughout every flashback, and every memory, your heart was searching for something beyond them, an image that wasn’t them. You laid there, dying, and all you saw was your girlfriend and your boyfriend. There had to be more than that and your heart was looking, waiting, for any other memories to surface. 

But nothing. It was only them and you couldn’t help, but feel a little disappointed. For the last few years of your life, you’ve revolved your entire world around these two people. You’re alone, not because you’re not social, but because you chose to focus all of your efforts into your relationship. And as you slowly lost sense of your consciousness, you became regretful about how you lived.

You heard distant voices, “1, 2, 3!” and you slowly opened your eyes. There was a rush of air that filled your lungs. Your vision adjusted to the bright spotlight and the many surgical masks above you. 

“She’s awake! We got her pulse!” They cheered and one of the nurses pulled down his mask.

“You’re going to be okay, Ms. (Y/N). The surgery was a success.” He smiled and you nodded, reaching for his hand to hold to make sure it was your reality. 

“We’re going to move you to your recovery room now, but you did really well.” The young nurse cheered with so much excitement, there were tears in his eyes. He was a complete stranger that just saved your life, yet he was even crying for you.

“T-Than-k yo-u.” You barely made out and he patted your shoulder. You shut your eyes again and felt the bed move and the voice of Hoseok calling after you as natural light hit your eyelids.

Several hours after the surgery and going over the post-surgery care, you carefully sat up in bed. Hoseok had to leave, but the two stayed. Jennie held onto you tighly, and Jimin blinked at you with stars in his eyes. But the thought you had while you were close to death never left your mind. 

“There is something I need to talk to you about.” You began, and Jimin and Jennie shared glances. “There was a lot to think about when I went under, my heart stopped for a few minutes and I was so close to my death. All I saw were our memories. I saw you two, but... something inside of me longed for something else, something more.” 

“If it’s not the three of us, then I don’t want to be in an individual relationship with either of you. That would mean making me choose and I don’t love one more than the other. It’s either both of you or neither. I will always love you two with all that my heart has to offer, but my life is so valuable and I need someone who is going to recognize that. I realized that the best for us is that there simply is no us. I love you both so much, I really do, but right now is not the right time. I’ll never forget us. ”

“Jennie, you were the first girl I love. Jimin, you were the first boy I love. But throughout it all, I won’t try to remember us. Maybe we’ll realize each other’s worth once we’re ready for it and we’ll be new people when we meet again.”

Jennie didn’t let go of your hand, instead, she nodded to every single word that you poured from your heart. “If that’s what you think is the best option for us, then I’ll accept your decision.” She agreed and no longer shed any more tears. She knew it was for the better, even if it did break her heart.

With a turn of events, Jimin was actually the one crying this time. Jimin’s tears spilled down his plump, supple cheeks. It was difficult for him to talk.. it was difficult for him to express how he felt in general. “I felt so regretful because I thought I was going to lose you forever when I was ready to trade my life for your’s. I’m just happy you’re alive and breathing. I respect your decision and I think that you’ll always know what’s best for us three.” 

Your heart was healing, bit by bit. The shock of almost death woke you up and you no longer wanted to be trapped in something that didn’t seem to work out well anymore. It was time for an end. It was time for change and you were more than thankful to have Jennie and Jimin, who loved you so much, they were willing to let you go and live life with no more regrets. 

Jennie smiled before gently kissing your hand, “I’m unsure how long me and Jimin would’ve lasted without you, but we were two people who fell out of love for each other, but back in love through you. I want you to know that even though you felt like you didn’t belong in our relationship, you were actually the connection between us. You were the reason there was an us.”

It was an epiphany ---- you were not the outlier in the relationship. You were the core center. Jennie and Jimin were more than thankful to have you in their lives, who loved them so much, that you were willing to look past their differences and to fight through every trial. 

“You were the reason there was an us.” That single line replayed in your thoughts, in a constant loop. And you smiled at Jimin and Jennie, the monitor beeping being the only noise in the room.

“I love you both, don’t you ever forget that.” 

[long-live-the-castaways]

Bandito tour-Nashville

So this is later than usual but here it goes, my experience of the first show after Twenty One Pilots had been on hiatus for over a year.

Getting there:

So i had to work a closing shift that let out at 9:30 on monday but right after i booked it to get Kaylee and then we booked it to nashville. The drive was honestly great. It was so much better than the drive last month and me and K rolled the windows down and blasted Trench. It was so peaceful. Also,  if people heard some of the things we say out of context things would get very awkward.

The line:

wowowowow i actually missed camping out i hadnt done it since TDC. But we got there about 3am and it was so cold!!?!??! Kaylee ended up going to my car to sleep. So when we got there we set up her little brothers tent which was way to small for the both of us but we made it work. But like after 30 mins they moved the line and we were trying to get everything so we threw the stuff in the tent and just picked it up and shuffled our way. About 6am us and this dude named Ryan(?) went to starbucks. It was pretty chill the rest of the day i forgot the other dudes name but i painted his nails yellow and he let us have some duct tape so hes cool. And there were these people next to us that are my new best friends. Me and one of them went to get pizza for them and they let us have some. Despite me shivering the entire time i absolutely loved it. Me and Kaylee got 211 in line until they started scrunching for the show then we got 1163 i think? (163) im not sure how but it was really weird how they did everything. bUT bridgestone was super nice. There was a guy helping set the merch booth and when he saw how excited we were getting about the new merch he said "GA is gonna be blown away" and when they said that it wouldnt open till another 30 mins someone asked if we could still watch what was being put up and another guy said "of course!" then when we got in they made us all get in a line and told us that when we get in to sit down in our spot and they were gonna bring us water bc they didnt want anyone to pass out during the concert. It was so nice and every single one of the workers made it such a good experience for everyone. During the show they passed water around and made us waterfall it so other people could drink it too then near the end they just started handing out the bottles. Ive never seen an arena care so much it was amazing.

Max Frost:

What a dude! I had been listening to him for a tad before the concert in preparation but nothing could prepare me for how hyped he was. I didnt know he was doing everything so that was super cool to watch and uh Money Problems is my favorite and was so great live. Those high notes? He hit them. Love this guy and cant wait to see what the future holds for him.

Awolnation:

Um ok the guitarist didnt have to go THAT hard. i could lay on the ground and be at peace listening to them but i could also mosh like hell. They're super fucking good???? Like idk what i was expecting but they exceeded it. Really wanna go see them again...multiple times.

Twenty One Pilots:

Oh goodness i have so much to say. I didnt know that they could step their game up even more but they did. By a lot. This was my 10th concert and 2nd time seeing them and by far the best show i have ever seen. (Ive always loved fire so this next part is multiplied by like 986) the curtain dropped and it took me a second to see what was going on but when i did oh bOY. Josh was up there lookin like a fierce ass bandito holding a tORCH WITH FIRE. we were on his side second row (pretty much barricade)  so he was super close when he walked toward us i was yelling. tHEN I NOTICED TYLER coming up through the stage oN A BURNING CAR OKOKOKOK. I knew the burning car was gonna be there but that entrance??? Didnt have to be that amazing.but it was. During jumpsuit when all the flowers fell and some of the fans were throwing their own flowers to and it was so breath taking. The transition into levitate was better than anything i could ever do. I wasnt expecting him to do the death drop or go into the stands again but gUESS WHAT????? There are just so many moments and its so hard for me to put it all into words. NATN? My favorite song off the album? The one that means a lot to me? Him walking on a bridge through the crowd during it? I was gasping for air. Pet Cheetah? Incredible. Bandito? Beautiful. Neon Gravestones? Wow i love this song so much because its so raw and powerful and the fact that he put it on the setlist means he wants us to hear it. He wants us to LISTEN. Me and k were a mess. Of course it didnt help that it came right afteR MOTHER FUCKING TAXI CAB ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. You cant tell me for one second that this band does not listen to their fans. I cant believe i hears that song live wow. Leave the City was one of the songs on the record that i had trouble connecting with because i think i was trying to search to much into its meaning but seeing it live really just made it so special and i found the meaning of it, or at least what it means to me. WDBWOT was amazing as always and when we first yelled Yeah Yeah Yeah he was a little shook. He was not expecting. Idk what they were expecting this crowd to be like for the first show but you could tell by their smiles they were happy with how it played out. During Morph Tyler messed up and later called himself out on it but tbh we all did...we just kept singing with him and when he realized he messed up is when i did lmao and he also looked at josh and said Whoops and thats a whole ass mood. There are so many other moments that im sure im forgetting but if anything was taken away from this it was a little bit of love. Seeing everyone in yellow bandanas and duct tape, seeing myself in that, makes me feel fearless. I keep the term "they cant see yellow" very close to my heart. And i keep the term "east is up" even closer. Seeing everyone in yellow, and hearing everyone say that, none of us are alone. We all have each other's back. And tyler and josh? They have our backs too. Maybe not in such a personal way but they created this. All of it. They created something that has brought all of us together. They created something so interactive we truly feel like we area part of it. They tell the truth about fear and then they bring hope to life. They're Twenty One Pilots and we truly are too.

[irregulardiaryposts]

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

[bcydbeaulieu]

for @kahlilravishans, my wife’s, bday || part 8 of 8

ok so this is it… the end. this was going to be second but i thought why not end with this. this is where it is going to get a bit emotional… so if you don’t want to hear all the gay that i am about to say then just look at the pretty edit. emily you are not allowed to skip this so buckle up babe… because you know how i can get when i decide i want to gift you some words… ok here we go!

ok so funny story… i wasn’t gonna start out this way but i was going through the early days of our tag and well i wished you a happy bday a year ago.. specifically while you were trying to get through interludes. so can you believe its been a fucking year since icos and our 12 hours skype sessions. those were the days were our relationship grew from “still had some chill” to “are you sure you two aren’t dating” so damn that book series. but seriously just needed to point that out. now here comes my incoherent babbling about how much i love you and how much you really mean to me. 

so, i’m pretty sure everyone knows the story of how me and emily met. god knows we talk about it enough. but it wouldn’t be an emotional emily and laura post if i don’t mention it so lol. i remember it, that february day, oh god. so she idk follows me or finds my blog and at the time i had a neil url and she just starts yelling at me on the chat. that stupid fucking messaging system. and of course i just start screaming back. and in the back of my mind i’m thinking how do i get this nerd girl to keep talking to me about our foxes and really i didn’t have to do much bc we exchanged numbers (she made me get a whatsapp) the next hour. and guys look.. i didn’t do this type of stuff before. i randomly talked to people and the only person i kept in contact with was my irlbff. so emily was not a normal occurrence. but anyways she asked if she could call and my heart was like beating out of my chest cause omfg what the fuck but of course i said yes and that’s how i find myself outside mid day on a february in texas walking around my front yard, my backyard, and yelling about literally everything we had in common at the time. 

now, i thought this girl is awesome and every part of me wanted to keep talking to her but i just knew that we’d talk for a month a few at max and then you know that thing would happen where you just lost connection, even tho i felt like i had just found like part of my soul. 

not what happened. the next week or couple of weeks we had our first skype session.. it lasted 6 hours yall. like who does that with someone they just met. fast forward to late august of 2016 and there we are getting into icos against our better judgement and there its kind of history. with our 12 hour skype sessions. and us eating dinner and breakfast together on opposite ends of the world and in complete different timezones. and i don’t know if something just clicked then cause we were already too close for our situation. but after that it was like i knew that this wasn’t some fluke this was real. and i HAD found a part of my soul. and god that’s cheesy but it’s fucking true. i’d run to the end of the world for this girl. and i’d do it multiple times. 

so that’s part of the story i guess. but i’m not done talking and emily i’m sorry babe but you know how i get i’m gonna write some more here so really buckle up. 

when i say i love you emily, i truly mean it with every part of me. i’ve never had a relationship like i have with you and the ones i had that came close don’t even touch to what we have. you’re so much more than my best friend and i don’t have a word for it and i don’t think words could justify it. but you keep my world spinning sometimes and then others you can make it stop. you are my rock when i need someone to ground me. you are the light in my life when i can’t seem to even get one positive thought in my mind. you support me through everything that i do and truly believe that i can be great at my career and in life in general. and i don’t know where i would be without you. 

you’re a good listener. you give great advice. and sometimes you just help me to stop thinking. you do so much for me and i hope that on the flipside i’m doing everything that i can for you. our relationship isn’t perfect and i’m glad it isn’t im glad that we can talk as honestly as we do and that we don’t keep anything from each other. and sometimes i’m amazed at how honest we can be bc so much of our relationship is over text or phone and its so easy to not say things when you’re not in person. but i would never let myself not be fully myself with you and that comes down to even the parts of me that i don’t want anyone to see. 

i’m also so happy that i’m the person that you talk to even when you don’t want to talk to anyone. i can’t believe i’m that person for someone, that person that even when the world is too much i’m not. that you trust me enough to be that person… it means… literally everything to me. 

you are always the highlight of my day, your snaps, texts, stupid messages, emojis, the fact that we’re each others screensavers. god that is freakin gay wow. i wanted to go through posts and like remember our relationship for the PAST YEAR AND A HALF CAN YOU BELIEVE LOL. but haa its like 55 pages and i don’t think i could summarize the best points cause they’re all just so good. we’re fucking legendary sometimes, you know. god this is a mess. this girl knew there was a hurricane happening in texas before i could tell her and has been the most dramatic about it. so if that says anything. 

“Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved.”

This quote, this fucking quote ok wow. like ya do shit for yourself and you can create your own happiness blah blah like cool but babe sometimes you are the thing that makes me feel alive. and knowing that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i’m 100% you do keeps me going day to day. i’d swim across the damn fucking ocean for you. and one day we’ll get to see each other in person and it’ll probably be the best damn time of our lives and i can’t fucking wait for it bc it’s gonna happen. and we’re gonna road trip with son and yell at each other about music and scream in person about our favorite characters and spend hours reading together and probably some times on our computers not talking, bc honestly half our skype sessions are us just silently soaking in each other’s company and i wouldn’t change that for the world. 

you are without a doubt one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important and i can’t explain how it feels to have someone that knows me as well as you do and to have that in return with you. i love that as our relationship has grown it’s gone from we have all these things in common in fandom to we have certain fandom things in common but our lives are intertwined and even if we had nothing like that in common it wouldn’t matter. i know you have class on wednesday, i know you can’t skype in the early hours of morning but you will take my call. i know you live in the middle of nowhere and it takes like an hour to get to the city. i know your dad is australian but 50% of the time i hear him speak it’s with that terrible american accent. and well here…

The things i know about emily: she hates coffee but she will try every concoction she can to stay awake while reading, she loves her new puppy even though she said she wasn’t that attached, she has way too many comics (this girl set up a store on ebay ok), she is the most indecisive person to ever grace the earth, her books are arranged in alphabetic order correctly but only after i made sure they were correct, she loves rock music and can’t stand pop, she’s one of the most gorgeous people in the world but doesn’t believe it (uhm she should tho), she…. ok i could go on forever and i can never do those questions on tumblr bc i know everything about her. 

omg this should prob end soon, but like ok emily this is just a mess and i’m sorry but just if you didn’t know i love you more than anything and i hope you have a wonderful day and that we have many more bdays of yours to celebrate even when you don’t want to celebrate them. i’m so glad that you messaged me that day bc there would be a hole in my life without you. you’re amazing, incredible, outstanding, kind, hilarious, an asshole, and like my soulmate. also i’m listening to stand by me while writing this (the power rangers version) so just… i’m about to cry with how much you mean. 

to emily: i love you i love you i love you. and i will love you until the stars i’m looking at now and the ones you will see when you’re reading this can be looked at while we sit with each other outside one of our houses. and i will keep loving you through the distance and the ocean and the fights and the tears and the stubbornness of the world for not letting us be closer in the first place. you have undoubtedly changed my life for the better. you have made me a better person. more confident, happier, and somehow calm. there are days when you make my heart race (gay) and days when you make me still. (raven cycle much). you are my person (lol grey’s) and you are the first person i think of in any situation (laura no we don’t want to hear about this emily girl in australia). so baby girl, again i hope you have the best day and obviously the best life and i’m just so glad that i get to be a part of it even from so far away. i love you (to the moon and back and all that shit) <3

Oh, won’t you take me from this valley To that mountain high above? I will pray, pray, pray Until I see your smiling face. I will pray, pray, pray To the one I love.

[ohkimani]

(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him. 

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though. 

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things. 

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up. 

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

[kasaneteto]

my thoughts on persona 5

ive had this in my drafts for like a month and i just now finished it so TAKE IT

THIS ISNT SPOILER FREE!!!! so only read this if you’ve finished the game/don’t care about spoilers. im gonna be comparing it a lot to persona 4 (and 2 / 3 to a lesser extent) so if you haven’t played it and dont want spoilers DONT READ THIS!!!!

i went into persona 5 with high expectations. i’ve been a big fan of the entire series for many years, and like everyone else, had been eagerly awaiting the delayed release of the game; and for the most part, i wasn’t let down. there are very few real issues i have with the game, and despite my bias toward persona 4 i can definitely say that this is the best installment in the series so far.

persona 5, much like p4 did with p3, takes the best things from p4 and improves upon them. you can tell that a lot of care went into this game to make it as polished as possible. all of the things that made p4 a great game are present and more. the characters are very fleshed out and diverse, just as in any persona game. the game also does an excellent job in making you feel connected to the characters. when the characters were plagued with anxiety, so was i. when the characters were depressed, so was i. it really made me feel immersed in the world.

the graphics are also obviously an incredible step up from the previous persona games. the game in general is absolutely beautiful. it’s so vibrant in it’s colors and constantly gives the impression of a bustling city environment. not to mention how stylish the UI is. it’s really apparent that the persona team utilized their resources to their full potential in how fluid all the menus are alone. the way loading screens and menu changes transitioned into each other was so stylish that it had me sifting through menus just to watch the animations. over all the art direction for this game has surpassed all other persona games so far. everything is so incredibly polished, from the cutscenes to the normal gameplay. i can only think of two or three occasions in which a texture looked off to me, and that’s mostly me just nitpicking.

i love the concrete theme of the game as well. from the personas to the social links, everything feels as though it ties together under the thief motif. i really loved that every social link fell under the theme of “someone who has been ostracized by society” and how it enforced the idea that the phantom thieves were necessary in this world. the way each social link has a coinciding mementos request made the social aspects of the game feel a lot more connected to the battle aspects, as well as the fact that social links can now grant you special battle abilities. the fact that they added this aspect is one of the best things added to the social link system in my opinion. it gives you more of a reason to try and max a character’s social link if you aren’t particularly interested in the character to begin with. (however, personally, i didn’t find any of the social links in this game to be uninteresting.) the way they incorporate maxed social links into new game+ is incredibly useful as well. it helps make you feel as though you really accomplished something in your previous play, as well as making you feel motivated to finish the things you were unable to last time.

the battle system and the dungeons are LEAGUES better than any previous persona game. the flow of battle is so much more fun; the baton pass ability brings a whole new aspect into battle. that and the ability to easily ambush enemies makes you feel as if youre really in control of your battles and makes it a lot more fun. i also love love love LOVE the battle aspects that they brought back from persona 2. demon negotiation was one of my favorite things about p2 and i was ECSTATIC to learn that they brought it back with p5. not only does it give you the ability to get exactly what you want out of battle, but it makes you really excited to fight new enemies!!! i was always really excited to get into a battle in a new area to see what personas i could recruit. the fact that youre battling the actual personas rather than the same palette-swapped shadows every dungeon is also super cool to me. it made me really excited to see a shadow that i recognized and be all “OH THAT’S SHIKI-OUJI!!!! I NEED THAT GUY!!!!”

dungeon navigation is so much more fun too. i can’t even begin to express how happy i am that they incorporated puzzle elements into the palaces. it made navigating them so much more fun compared to previous games where you just ran around hallways opening doors until you found the stairs. it made every dungeon feel different and unique, and most importantly really fun!! another thing i really appreciated was the ability to switch party members in the middle of a dungeon. it really encouraged you to use every party member rather than just sticking to a select 3 like previous games, in addition to making it a lot easier to keep your teammates balanced and around the same level. i found it really convenient to be able to just switch someone out when they were low on SP compared to having to either leave or use SP recovering items on them. it also made it a lot easier to finish palaces in a single day (if possible).

most of all though, the story telling elements in persona 5 truly live up to the standard set by previous persona games. my god, was the story telling in this game amazing. the foreshadowing was PHENOMENAL. every once in a while i was able to pick up on something small, and then when they pieced all those little things together at the climax HOLY SHIT. i was literally hyperventilating when they flashed back to goro mentioning the pancakes. the part where he first joined the thieves had me second-guessing whether someone else mentioned pancakes in that scene and i was just overthinking it. but when it turned out to be a real thing I WAS SO EXCITED!!!! not to mention the twist of the fucking century with igor being a fake. the entire time the tone of the velvet room felt off compared to the previous games, but it really didn’t become apparent until the true igor returned. once he did, and lavenza became herself again, i seriously almost cried because of how at home i felt in the velvet room. speaking of crying though... this game had me in fuckin tears on so many occasions. the character writing and development is so much. the way it makes you really feel like all the characters are good friends makes me so emotional. it’s such incredible writing, the way it sneaks up on you and before you realize it you’re fighting yaldaboath and you realize how much you love every single character in this game and you don’t want it to end.

now with all that praise out of the way, i do unfortunately have a few qualms with the game as well. 

my firstt issue is how similar the structure of the story is to persona 4. the characters are all quite different, and the environment is drastically different, but the narrative, namely in the latter portion of the game, is strikingly similar to p4. that isn’t necessarily a bad thing per se, p4 is really good and p5 did an excellent job of improving upon something already great, as previously stated. however, due to my familiarity with p4 i was pretty much able to predict how the end of p5 was going to play out, more or less. because of this i actually was convinced that i had to call everyone up again to fight through one more palace on the last day, like with izanami in p4. it’s not the worst thing that they could’ve done, but i guess i just would’ve liked to see them create something a little more different.

now my BIGGEST issue is just a personal thing that im sure not everyone can sympathize with. however, it honestly kind of ruined the end of the game for me. nobody so much as mentions goro after his death. sae brings him up, like, once, and shido talks about him before you fight him, but.. thats it. he wasn’t even in the credits along with everyone else. it honestly broke my fucking heart. it felt like they all forgot about him. goro is my favorite character in the game, so im definitely biased, but still... i would have liked to see them at least bring him up in some of the more climactic moments of the ending, or just had some kind of mention of him other than “he’s missing”. i felt so empty when the game ended. it was a wonderful ending, dont get me wrong. i just... wanted goro to be there. im not saying that he shouldnt have died, (i mean, i would have liked it if he didnt, but it wouldnt have been necessary to make the ending satisfying for me) just that they at least acknowledge him more after his death. idk. maybe im just being nitpicky, but that really dampened the ending for me.

anyways thats it like comment and subscribe thanks

[gh0stpkmn]

ok uh. yooran gaming channel au - part 2

@misfireezreal reblogged the ‘yoosung has a gaming channel au’ post and wrote a really cute lil addition that inspired me to add some more ideas to this mess of an au..... and i got really carried away

their addition / reblog post is here !!  tho i’ll also put a screenshot of it under the cut... along with more headcanons/ideas/whatever for the au/scenario

 god this is so cute omfg. ok so..

●  yoosung liking comments that say nice things abt saeran?? so good. honestly the sweet comments probably rlly do a lot of good things for saeran’s self esteem!! they cheer him up when he’s feelin sad i would think? definitely helps a lot on his rougher days.

●  misfireezeal mentioned donations so i started thinking about what donation money would go towards... when theyre not goin towards yoosung’s tuition (if he even stays in university at this point?? idk??)  or his cost of living, or equipment for the channel, they go to charities.

yoosung wants to help animals so they donate to animal rescue organizations and stuff like that. he wants to contribute help to other causes too so... he wants saeran to have some say where the money goes (and i mean saeran is the meme bringin in a lot of it so. ye.)

it’s important to saeran that they donate to organizations that provide help for mentally ill people--especially mentally ill youth. also organizations that help children in foster care or like... help kids that have been abused idk.. idk! idk...  things that can help young people that are going through some of the same things saeran went through

yoosung doesn’t announce the donations or anything because like... he doesn’t really feel the need to???? neither of them see a point in posting/talking about it. it just feels good to do nice things.

other stuff:

●  it comes up in passing that like. saeran as a knack for hacking and everyone’s like “how could u do this?? cant believe ur a dirty hacker”

saeran’s like “ lol dont worry. i only cheat at games when i play against my brother because he’s a shit and never plays fair ”

chat is like “whoa we didn’t know you had a brother!!!”

and they talk about it a little and yoosung is like “yeah his brother is ____”  (whatever his username is? i forget. hacker god i think?)  “he usually plays on the shooting star server “

viewers are Shocked that yoosung knows #1 on shooting star. they demand to have him as a guest star

it’s... debatable whether saeyoung agrees to it or not?? he has to lay low and stuff.. either way, they tell saeyoung about it and he’s so amused omfg. he watches yoosung and saeran’s streams sometimes (and is so proud of his bro. he cries probably) but not super often? when he does watch, he also uses a random throwaway name

but after the chat asks for him, he logs in once or twice w/ his LOLOL screen name and people are all over omfg. chat goes wild and saeyoung is Living for the attention omg

saeran is like “you’re so dumb god i hate you”

and saeyoung’s like. “ok but are you actually planning on coming home some time soon??? tomorrow maybe? becaaauuuuuse..... i miss you”

it’s cheesy and lame and Embarrassing. saeran’s just.. “GO AWAY asshole im doing a thing....................................... also, yes. please order pizza for dinner”

yoosung thinks its funny n cute and so do the viewers.

●  and ok even if... saeyoung is never a guest star, they probably bring like. mc or zen on once or twice and it’s great. a lot of viewers recognize zen (i imagine he’s a bit more famous at this point) and they are... so excited and surprised that he’s friends w/ yoosung and saeran.

i can’t really see jaehee or jumin on the show but like..........

..... the idea of them tricking jumin into trying to play a video game on the stream is so fucking funny to me????

like Somehow they manage to convince him to come over?? idk maybe by asking him to  ”help them work on a big project that’s essential to yoosung’s career” or smth “that requires nothing less than jumin han’s skill and expertise”  and because he’s a good friend he agrees. then they just. put a controller in his hand and he’s like “what am i supposed to do with this”

and ok jumin has probably owned a gaming console at some point but i honestly, truly can’t bring myself to believe that he uses it for anything other than like.....netflix

so he has no fucking experience and it’s. so good. yoosung and saeran are trying really hard not to laugh (and yoosung is failing)

idk what they make him play specifically but for some reason wii sports is flashing through my mind holy shit..... but actually its probably LOLOL or fallout 4 or something. idk. either way, he’s bad at it and they struggle to teach him how to even hold the controller properly

●  saeran likely moves in some time after they’ve started the channel where both of them play games together. which happened pretty far into the relationship anyways i think?

and even then it happens quite a while after they start the channel. maybe when it’s been going for a year or something? maybe two??

(i have no idea???? idk how long these kinds of channels stay big??? i only watch like... fairly well known youtubers like game grumps that have been around for a long time. and mcleroy stuff on polygon idk.)

anyways

how they decide to move in is basically like... ok.

i imagine they probably get questions about their relationship a lot when they come out as a couple or when new viewers first find out about them. the flow of questions dies down after the initial reveal that they’re together but they still pop up every now and then

sometimes the questions get slightly intrusive like asking about their plans for the future which they kinda just ignore those until it becomes a really frequently asked question so they Have to answer it.. so they just say they don’t feel comfortable talking about it for the time being (because tbh they dont know lol)

and so...

probably a specific question that people ask A LOT (and have since saeran’s early appearances)  is if saeran lives with yoosung, or if he’s planning to.

because he’s at yoosung’s place so often. he has been since the channel’s early days, and they post videos and stream together fairly regularly, i guess?

there’s obviously more content of just yoosung doing his thing because it is his channel after all but content featuring saeran is definitely a frequent thing (even when it’s not their duo let’s play channel or whatever... saeran can still be seen in the background in a fair amount of yoosung’s usual LOLOL streams, too. )

so uh

at some point they’re just hanging out.. (off stream, not on video or anything. just them together.. like a date night or just to spend some time together. i dunno)

maybe cuddlin’ in bed or on the couch watching a movie, having a nice time. there’s comfortable silence

and yoosung never really gave it a lot of thought before, but lately... he and saeran are just really close and their relationship is so GOOD and he loves him a lot. he’s thinking over all this stuff and how often people ask if they live together and...

i mean, he thought about it on his own before he really took the viewers’ questions seriously.... them bringing it up isn’t what sparked it necessarily. 

he considered the possibility before, but he was always scared that bringing up moving in together would be too forward or pushy, and that saeran wasn’t ready for it, and that they would be rushing into things--going too fast. yeah. 

he got that ball rollin’ and was trying to take it slow but recently, everyone bringing the idea up jsut. fuckin. kicks that ball. so hard. it’s going full fuckin throttle. max speed. it’s out of control and he can’t stop it

and so in this... really comfortable quiet moment he just kinda blurts out

“why haven’t we moved in together yet?”

saeran is surprised obviously. he wasn’t expecting that at all

he has briefly entertained the idea of living with yoosung before, because he’s over so often anyways, and he wants to spend even more time together.... but he’s also scared for various reasons? 

such as his mental health issues, obviously. he’s also anxious that yoosung will get sick of him, or that he won’t be able to handle being around yoosung 24/7 and vice versa. he doesn’t want to get so easily annoyed and snappy like he does at home with saeyoung? he also doesn’t want to rush into things. idk. there’s a lot more reasons but those are some of them.

so when yoosung says this, he has no idea how to react??? so he just kinda mumbles “oh... uh.......”

yoosung panics like

 “god, im sorry, that was so stupid. um. it’s just... been on my mind a lot lately, i guess..? god! ah... forget about that! it was dumb...”  

he covers his eyes and kinda... hunches over. all embarrased and nervous and a little guilty because he doesn’t want to make saeran uncomfortable. he can’t even look at him. poor boy omg

saeran stays quiet for a long time, furrows his brows and chews the nail of his thumb and looks like he’s concentrating on something. after a while he pipes up, so quietly that yoosung can barely hear him

“i don’t think it’s dumb”

yoosung is. shocked. but also immediately hopeful! he perks up!!! looks at his bf incredulously like “you don’t?” 

saeran kinda... talks slowly bc he’s thinking hard about his words and says that he didn’t expect yoosung to bring it up really but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it before

so they have an Important, Serious conversation about it and they both make sure that the other is %100 on board with it and ready to just. jump in and do it.

celebratory smooches ensue because they’re cute and happy and excited.

... i forget if yoosung’s place is a dorm or not. if it is, he gets his own apartment.

if it’s not, he stays in his apartment and saeran moves in there.

it’s small and kinda cramped and very far from a “forever home” but they make it work for now!! they’re happy that way... (maybe in the future they get a bigger place, which is nice because it makes it easier for saeran to have some privacy when he needs time alone.)

●  yoosung definitely takes short little videos or vlogs all the time and posts them on youtube and other social media

he takes one the day after they have the conversation mentioned above. and it’s just. “you guys.... i asked my boyfriend to move in and he said yes!! god, i was so scared! tell them how scared i was, saeran!” he points the camera at saeran who is reading a book and he just. 

idk he either just flips off the camera bc he’s busy and doesn’t want to be disturbed...

or

he looks it right at the lens and says “he was scared shitless. he literally shit his pants. it was gross. i had to h---” 

cue video going blurry as yoosung turns the camera away real quick paired with. shocked, loud shrieking. “SAERAN!!! DON’T SAY----” and then the video jsut kinda. cuts off there. 

(he still posts it but with some caption along the lines of “that didn’t actually happen. saeran’s just being a dick”)

and of course, there’s definitely multiple videos of the day they move saeran’s stuff in. yoosung records a bunch and puts them on his snapchat story or w/e... other social media too, so they can look back on them later... 

just cute little clips, like one of saeran’s room with all his stuff in boxes..... one of saeyoung and saeran (and maybe mc) loading stuff up into the car.... one of them putting the boxes in yoosung’s apartment....  a dumb one of saeyoung goofin’ off at yoosung’s place and mc doting on him..

one of saeyoung giving his brother the biggest bear hug ever. just. completely squeezing the life out of him and dramatically pretending to be all emotional (even tho he really is genuinely emotional inside omg) and saeran being annoyed and trying to push him away “god, let me go! you’re suffocating me!”

one where... they’re bringing in the last box.

and finally like. one w/ yoosung turning around to show his whole apartment, boxes everywhere, some of them already half unpacked. “phew... finally finished! the hardest part, anyway”

it’s cute.

●  the little videos are probably a thing that happens every now and then, even after that... he probably snapchats a lot of things in general bbbut a lot of the time it’s just. dumb, random videos of saeran.

some of them are stuff like:

 a close-up of both of them, taken with yoosung’s phone where they’re like “streaming in fifteen! we’re gonna play ____ today.” .... real cute stuff.

or just. shitty phone videos yoosung takes of saeran where like… yoosung says something really sappy joke or pickup line? idk. something really cheesy and terrible and wants to film saeran’s reaction.  and saeran looks over and his expression is just. dead inside. the camera zooms in real close on his face and he whispers “………………. im so sick of this Shi–”  the video cuts off there

probably lots of them chillin and having fun with the whole rfa crew

and. maybe one where the two of them are hanging out with saeyoung and mc and other pals and.. idk. one of them says something funny and they’re all laughing but yoosung zooms in on saeran who just.........ok i imagine that sometimes his more subdued laughs come out as like?? this huffy, kinda wheezy little giggle. he covers his mouth w his hand. and the video captures that. when yoosung posts it, ppl Freak out about it because it’s so uncharacteristically adorable...

there’s videos of them going on trips or just new places in general... going for hikes and exploring maybe.. idk. lots of cute stuff.

saeran takes one of yoosung when they’re at the spca?? or some place like that. idk (i dont like pet stores but maybe a pet store).. and.. yoosung just has his hands and face pressed to a glass partition/window/whatever that has a puppy behind it. maybe multiple puppies. and yoosung turns around w/ the Most desperate, pleading expression anyone has ever seen. (saeran knows he has to say no but it’s so hard omfg)

and obviously there’s lots of little clips of video game stuff. teasers of the game content itself or their playthroughs. maybe a video of one of them sitting on the couch or a computer chair playing a game and getting angry lol.... (or saeran getting frustrated w/ a handheld game that’s supposed to be really calm like... animal crossing. idk sorry i just love the idea of saeran having a 3ds and playing chill games like that to help him relax when he’s anxious omg)

.... there’s also lil videos yoosung takes but he decides that they are private, for his eyes only... little moments like one where they’re getting ready to stream and saeran’s adjusting one of the microphones 

and yoosung quietly says hey to get his attention, and saeran looks over and smiles real big and genuine w/ lots of love and tells him to “Stop goofing around. C’mon, put your phone down and help me finish setting up.” and it’s. sweet and happy and cute... yeah.

.

BUT uh...

yeah!

that’s all for now !!

[settingorange]

do all the evens lmao

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Sometimes!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

Lots of sugar!

6: do you keep plants?

No but I’d like some succulents

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

I don’t express my feelings next question

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

Side

12: what's your favorite planet?

Earth bc all my friends live here

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

First of all, Id love this and its all i want so jot that down. It would probably be kinda messy bc of how i am and also we would have plants and art on the walls. Idk what else id like but also be afraid of a lot of windows

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

Fetuccine alfredo fuck u max goodwin

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

Newsflash asshole everything i do is dumb and nobody lets me live anything down. Altho i cant think of anything atm

20: what's your favorite eye color?

Not blue

22: are you a morning person?

I can be. Im versatile af

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Uh yeah its called every person i know im an open book bitch!!!!

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

Black vans w flamingos on them which i may retire soon :((

28: sunrise or sunset?

im a ho for both but probably sunset

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

Yes.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

I usually am not up that late and i cant think of anything particularly exciting except one time me and Destrie stayed up at our friend Kims grandmas house and watched Epic Rap Battles of History and we were the only people awake

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

Which one i have so many!!! but uhhh there is one that was my favorite for  while and it was a black panther and i named her Midnight and once i got bubblegum on her and we had to cut it out. I still have her around somewhere.

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

The Front Bottoms

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

My roommate clicking her pen

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

I have a spinny ring that I bought at earthbound, its not like, significant but i like it

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop?

Java Haute bc the memories but Vienna here at purdue has a real good spiced chai so... watch out java haute

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

The day we went to the parking garage and lydia and i laid on the ground and looked at the stars

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

They feel a slight precipitation."I think it’s raining," says the man."No, it’s snowing," replies the woman."How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?""Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

A fire burning my house down. No

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

Rubber ducks ig?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

any of the iasip memes tbh

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

Lydia “flavoureddogs” herself...

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

just like, laughs and stuff ik how to explain it but everyones is unique and lso cute

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

Sarahs definitely the vodka aunt but idk who the wine mom woul be??? Me if i werent so opposed to drinking alcohol

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

I love poetry! Annabelle Lee by Edgar Allen Poe and An Etiquette for Eyes by Cate Marvin (Which if you havent heard... Please go listen to Jon Risinger read on soundcloud)

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

Sometimes! Apple or Grape usually

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

dark

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

Lots of little flowers that are v cute

68: what's winter like where you live?

Cold cold cold!! Snowy sometimes!

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

No :/

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

Nope

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

They go to school with me and are one of the prettiest people I know and without them id be dead on the street!!!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

Dam math homework

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

HATE

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

Light blue, yes, because i like it

82: are/were you good in school?

i used to be

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

id like one, maybe some kind of sunflower

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

I do! There are quite a few but I really enjoy Death of a Bachelor and Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

Not particularly i just like art

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Im not sure i have any bc i hate terre haute and i dont know shit about anywhere else

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

so much cheesee

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

Myself hehe

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

ill update my technology when im dead

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

real hiking? I went to turkey run w my squad in the summer so then probably

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

The past bc the future scares me bc things change so often and also i could have a heads up on some shit that goes down

Thanks lyd for this ask it only took me forever to get around to it!!