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onf-headcanons · 3 years

Text

Another OFFICE AU aka CEO AU

A/n : Alas its not draft clearing but a brand new work for 2021 (but i still have some drafts as well)XD Hello, did any of you remember an idea dump I dropped for last year Christmas? you could easily guess which was it by tallying the mood board with the idea lists (*winks)

Setting :

1. OFFICE AU 2 , it is a brand new one where ONF member is a young CEO while you are his secretary. So I will name this one as CEO AU

Of course it does not hurt should you wanna imagine it as the already exist office au, using the idea dump posted for 2020 Christmas.

2. ONF MEMBER that I will integrate would be Hyojin and Seungjun as mentioned during the Christmas post, but I wont stop you for imagining other members, thats why in headcanons I will use ONF MEMBER instead their names. (For member X reader scenario)

3. In this headcanon, reader is slightly older than ONF member, maybe 2 or 3 years older. Same age is plausible, then it would be ONF member continued their studies further so they started working late.

ok lets go, beware its long and sorry if it is messy I tried my best to control 2 way storyline, I had fun writing but I know I am lacking much much more than I could notice. total 6k word count (dies)

1-1

• You work as assistant/secretary for the head of department/CEO in company before the young successor joins and his predecessor retires. • Because you tend to separate work life and private life, you established personality to look like ice queen on the outside (reality) but actually passionate carer on the inside (virtually). None of your colleagues knew, only your close friends • You have been using a chat app (not tinder type) for since you started intern, • 1. That app's specialty was anonymous. • 2. Its like a hideout spot where you can share and post whatever you love. (Because there are some co-workers added your FB or Insta and you felt it is a hassle to create another fake account exclusively to add people) • 3. Even though you tried and failed at 1 or 2 virtual relationships with other users, you never despise the thought of online dating. But you do know it’s not realistic so you never take it too seriously (it is also self-protection) • You would post some photos but mostly are just lunch pics, occasionally an outdoor view from your office floor, also some cute stationaries or accessories found on the way back home. (Just adding this trivia for fun linking the universe, maybe you pass by Minkyun’s flower shop as well?) • (It will be funny if your contents was more on sharing random idol pics that you follow, passionately promoting it hence creating a more impact contrast later when revealing) • One day you came across a post asking about what kind of cologne to buy for a predecessor who will be retiring. Being a good Samaritan, you leave a few suggestions under the post and did not really take it to heart, you forgot about it once you see the original author replied "Thanks" • Not knowing that 1 interaction would change your life forever.

1-2 • The next day, your superior announced his retirement and mentioned a young successor will join the company next month. And ONF member being the young successor does make rumors flying around the company, making people questioning his ability as he is related to company board of directors. The department you are in is under top 5 sales/profit bringing, so with a young successor would be inexperienced which might lead to drop of department reputation of course people are going to worry and gossip. • First impression with ONF member is actually ok. Well dressed, good looking and nice manners. The moment he followed his predecessor walks into the office floor, girls starts to make all sorts of gasping noises (lol) • Your superior mentioned that he bought a retirement gift for your superior deep down you approved at the selection of the cologne brand. • You might goes, this guy got sense, not bad. • One night after several days ONF member joined the department/company, you received a PM from a user, thanking you for the cologne recommendation. It took you a while to remember who it was. You politely replied him “You are welcome.” • The user also nonchalantly asked about how you can make such suggestion that pinpoints because by the glance at your profile, first impression could be very much misleading. • You just replied that you happened to know someone at that age who likes that type of scent hence the list of suggestions, what you did was just you taking the liberty to do a lucky guess. • Out of curiosity, you tap at the stranger’s avatar to get a glimpse of his profile, but out of your disappointment, there were no picture of his to know what he looks like. But there are pictures of scenery from places he travelled. • You also noticed that their “joined the app” days are way lesser than you are, quite a new user. • You found a few pictures of places you went before/ places that you want to go. Delighted, you started the conversation asking if he likes travelling and his next travel plans. • The other party replied briefly his plans and his experience during travels, from his words you know that he won’t be travelling overseas for the next 2 years as he had a new job and responsibility to learn. Instead he will be focusing on doing domestic travels. • His words made you reminisce your rookie days and you responded him that you understand him with empathy. You did not pry further but you do give him some encouragement, telling him that things will get better and once he got the hang of it, he will have more time on his own. (Yup at the moment you are thinking he is a freshman or newbie joining new company) • You timidly ask your new chat friend why they decided to join and use the app. He replied, “I don’t really play social media apps and I don’t want anyone to find me online, the anonymous system this app provides mental security for me.” • The reply was so different from those who are playing the app just for flirting and finding a quick date, you replied him, “Same as you.” • The conversation ends by the other party mentions he will need to be early for work and politely wishes you good night. The next morning you found the stranger has added you as friend, without any thoughts you tap on your screen and now you have a new mutual.

1-3 • Back to office, as ONF member is still new towards his scope of work, you would sometimes giving him advise and guides by sharing “What would his predecessor does.” or “What he can do by not violating company policy”. He takes advises well and would always inquire for your suggestion before making any critical decision. • Once he started to get the hang of it, you passed the torch of freedom to him because you are only a secretary/assistant. But he will still come to you, which you felt he was being dependent. (I feel if it is Minkyun, he will be more dependent should the scope of work is totally unfamiliar to him. Tendency of dependent to independent would be Seungjun, Hyojin, Yuto same par as Jaeyoung, Changyoon then Minkyun.) • (Of course sometimes there are some doubt raised regarding to policies and because he sees things in another perspective, you know he meant no harm but sometimes you wish he would just shut up and just follow the policy just for convenience sake+lessen damage. That’s because should any dissatisfaction of decision happens, colleagues will firstly come to interrogate you, hoping you to twist his decision or questioning your ability to lessen the damage done towards merit they/the department holds. AND YOU HATE PLAYING THOSE POWER MIND GAMES, even though the image you impose looked like you are skilled player.) • So there is some sense that being strict is you are trying hard to protect him and protecting yourself. • BTW ONF member, your new superior has a bright personality unlike his predecessor (huge reason is due to the age factor), even though inexperienced in work, he has good be friending skills. So people in the department felt it was less stressful working under him because he would do small talk with his underlings. (This hc is not suitable for Changyoon and Yuto during the beginning, due to their personality they would try but not suddenly initiating small talks on the first week joining.) • IT WILL BE FUNNY IF SOME FEMALE COLLEAGUE TOOK PITY ON HIM BY MENTIONING/GOSSIPING THAT YOU ARE TOO STRICT AGAINST HIM • Its not that you hate him or he does not have the ability to do his work, it’s just when he is standing on the opposing side against company policy it troubles you. • Every time when things like this happens, you would low-key complains by posting status on the chat app, mentioning you don’t hope for an understanding but you would hope those who are not in your shoes would shut up. Your mutuals mostly are office workers as well so resonates with your words. • Your new friend leaves a comment underneath the post you asking if you are doing alright, and hope you do not stress yourself too much. You thanked him for the mental support. • He will even PM you asking if you are doing alright, most of the time you don’t want to lose your cool plus you don’t think it is wise to abruptly rant towards a stranger as if they are emotional sandbag, so you will politely thank him and say that you are alright now. • Since you and your new friend work on the day, you two chat during the night and weekend, getting to know each other in a very casual pace. A bit of child hood and you both also shared your majors in studies. He told you that he used to study at overseas and he picked up hobby of travelling around a bit during those days. • You never turn on the app during lunch (to avoid people finding out) but your new friend does send you some messages during lunchtime. • As you and the new friend get to know each other, there has a few things in common, you two like talking about travels and you two read works by the same author • By the way the new friend is a he. You two are using ID names the whole time during chatting, because you have told him that you are not comfortable giving and knowing each other’s real name. He understands and respects that. • And you confirmed that he is slightly younger than you. Which you replied to him, “Oh my superior is same age as you.” • This new friend gives you a calm and mature vibe even though he is same age as your new superior. You could not help yourself but comparing. • The other party goes: “Wow, he must be a very successfully accomplished youngster.” • You go: “Nah, other than his outgoing personality that brings freshness to the department, he still got lots to learn.” • Your new friend then continues, “Your new superior is a lucky one, I can confidently say that because I have an excellent senior who would always look out for me.” • You respond, “Then you better treat them well.” • And he goes “Of course.”

1-4

• Work is as usual, possible you unintentionally eavesdropping and caught ONF member saying towards you (even better backing you up when some junior colleagues are reverse gossiping about you) : You know, Y/N might look cold and stern sometimes but actually a kind and gentle person. Y/N would always give out advice for the sake of the department/ company. • Cues you would fluster a bit by those words. • A few days later you are done briefing your superior their schedule. And ONF member suddenly ask if you are free for dinner. It’s already his 4th month in the company and wanted to properly thank you for guiding him with patience and prudence. • At first you wanted to decline him because you don’t want to deal with work related stuff after office hours, ALSO you don’t want anyone to start weird gossips. • Another reason is you don’t want to talk about yourself too much in front of your superior. Heck you even avoid your colleague’s invitations for dinner because you value your “me time” very much. • But looking at his anticipating face, you got soft and agreed that a coffee would suffice. ONF member smiles at you suggest both of you to have coffee right now at Starbucks next to your company building. You are free to choose whatever drink you like. • Before both of you leave the room. And then you heard a familiar notification sound, you thought your heart is going to stop, that is the notification sound from the chat app you are using. You did not have your phone with you so it was obvious the sound comes from ONF member’s phone. • And that was a notification alert of the system has found someone nearby and presented to the user. It got you curious and worried at the same time. • At Starbucks, ONF member had to answer a call, so you ordered his drink as well. • Later you see him start replying messages while waiting for orders to be done. You wanted to have a peek at his user name but you are a few steps away and your instinct told you better don’t do that. What if it is already someone you already know? • “Curiosity killed the cat, remember?” You tell yourself. • Once you are at your desk, you took some deep breath to calm yourself and try to remember if you recalled wrongly but truth is you are accurate. You hurriedly checked you phone, there were no new messages and you are sure you have turned off location visibility. Lucky for you it was never turned on to begin with. • You also kind of worried if your superior actually has a “fun” lifestyle after office hours. But, it’s hard to relate him to a playboy image when he looked like a friendly good boy. You shake your head and deny yourself. • “If (ONF member name) uses that app then I will need to be more careful.” you thought while sipping the frappe. So back at home, you started to alter all posts’ visibility to “Visible for mutuals only”. Took you nearly a whole night but better safe than sorry.

1-5 • More weeks pass by peacefully but one day a conflict happened between you and ONF member and some colleagues/minor members of the board. He went ahead to announce that he decides (had a thought) to run a campaign/new rule (maybe a budget cut). The moment he finished his sentences, you know the seniors will not be happy with it. • Later after meeting, you politely confront with ONF member that he should discuss with you before announcing it on meeting. Plus, announcing without any advance preparation will put him and you in an awkward position as verbal announcement are not persuasive enough. Of course you are also worried that people might use this issue to tackle and exploit the cons of both of you being inexperience and young. • “With all due my respect, Mr.(ONF member name), it will be nice if you could discuss with me before dropping that bomb at the meeting.” you try not to sound fierce but your tone clearly does not sound you are cool with his actions at all. • “And later having you lecture me and stop me? You do know it was for the good of the company too right?” He retorts like usual • “Yes but no.” you try to fight back. “ It’s not that easy, there are people need to be dealt with and I don’t think you--” • Before you could finish, ONF member says with an eyebrow raised, “You don’t think I can handle it, because I am still unexperienced.” • You unconsciously frown and thinking, why is he suddenly trying to pick a fight deliberately today? Why is he suddenly trying to piss off seniors in the department/company? • ONF member then with firm tone, gives you suggestion, “Should you have anyone come to you and complain, tell them that you knew nothing at all and request them to talk to me directly instead.” • “I am the CEO, not you.” He adds. • You could not help but sigh, knowing there is not point arguing because he is not going to back down. And deep down you do know the new rule/budget cut will do more merit than harm. (Your focus is more on how deal with seniors employees not him for now because seniors are more pain in the ass compared to him) • But still there are people come to you and bug you while you are working and you can’t tell them to leave you alone hence it stresses you out. • You escape to the bathroom taking your phone with you and vents out at the app by posting a status mentioning you are just trying to do your job and wants a peaceful work days. • You also come across seeing your new friend posting a status prior your meeting time, it’s a photo of frappe you recommended him to try it out. He is thanking you for recommending it. • You could not help but feeling a bit jealous, should your title and work scopes are different/ should you are just normal employee rather than a CEO’s secretary, you might not need to face these kind of stress. • “Guess you have to bear what you signed up for huh?” you thought to yourself after 15 minutes cooling yourself down. • You switched your mind set and step out from bathroom. Returning to your place with your usual ice cold face. You are trying hard not to show that you are weak against stress. You are too immersed at people coming at you asking you questions, without knowing ONF member actually observing you with concerned gaze from his room. • That night, you receive a PM from your new friend asking if you are doing ok, as you never sound that upset before. He said he can lent an ear so you can tell him what happened. You spare him all the intricate details and tell him briefly that your superior made a mess and you need to clean it up also back his plan no matter you like it or not. • The whole progress he did not interrupt you nor tried to tell you what you should do, he let you type all the way until you finished. Once you are done, you asked, “I don’t know what might be up in his sleeves that it’s inconvenient for me to know beforehand but... Isn’t he a jerk, putting me into an awkward situation?” • Your friend backs you up and agrees with you that matters should be discussed, and critiques your superior actually could trust you more. • You thanked your friend for letting you to rant and mentioned you have accepted the fate because of the title and responsibility you hold in the company. That’s being professional and mature in office. • The other party replied that even if that is the case, he hope you don’t stresses yourself too much as it seems your new superior still needs your guidance and support. • You playfully replies, “Well I am not his babysitter XD, he will need to face a lot of issues by his own someday.” • “Why is that?” • “Well I can’t always be by his side though? I might get married and resign.” you reveal your future plans to your new friend, “Moreover, even I don’t resign, I might take pregnancy leave though?” • The other party comments, “I never thought you had that planned out.” • And he continues, “Your profile gives out the ‘I love my job so much.’ vibe” • You then back up your point by saying you do want that plan to work but too bad you are single now, so of course you are going to focus on your job more. Plus, you do not plan to find a partner in work place anyways. • The new friend leaves more supportive words and hoping it will cheer you up. By the end of the conversation, he also offers that you can come to him and rant should you need an ear. • You grin at his words and felt warm towards his actions. Rarely any of your mutual actually PM to check up on you. “Maybe he was just being nice.” you thought before you wish him good night.

1-6 • The next day, you are being summoned by your superior the first thing in the morning. He passes you a pile of documents and requests you to go through it. It a proposal regarding to the budget cut/new rule and he hope you can be his ally. His gaze is not as firm as yesterday, but it’s more of seeking approval and acknowledgement from you. • You let out a sigh and mutters, “You know, should you have hand this to me beforehand the situation won’t be that ugly.” And then you start to flip the pages. • “Sorry.” He apologizes. “But I really want to make it work. It’s also a handover work by my predecessor.” • “You look up upon him too much, ONF member, he is a sly fox just like the other seniors.” You do not mean to back stab but you are telling the truth. “Has it never come to your mind why he did not initiate the plan when he is here and requested you to initiate it when he is gone?” • “I know. But this move is going to benefit the company; I am willing to bear responsibility.” ONF member adds • You stop reading and look at your superior in the eye, “You better hope this work though, I don’t want my 5 months effort of guiding you goes to waste. And I hate the idea that I need to re- adjust my pace with a new superior.” • ONF member gets your intentions behind your words; he swiftly stands up from his chair and thanked you. “I owe you big one, Y/N. Another cup of coffee to thank you for reals?” • “No thanks, I will be busy. Next time.” You feel uncomfortable because the social distance between you two seems shortened, so you politely decline. • Luckily the whole budget cut/new rule policy worked out fine and by year end, benefits shows. You and ONF member can finally relax a bit knowing that you both have won the fight.

1-7 • Meanwhile, you did not stop interacting with your recent favourite friend. As you two got to know each other even more, both of you chat almost every day during the night. He never bores you and he can understand most of the topic you bring up. You are amazed that how can someone has so many things in common? • It spikes your curiosity and you ask him if a wonderful person like him has a partner in real life. He answers you that he is single, just like you are. • (You thought he is lying because he is such a nice guy, but of course you do tell yourself not to 100 percent trust everyone online) • Then he asks your opinion about online virtual dating. You honestly told him about your experience. But you added that even though you failed twice/thrice, you are not against it. • And that moment, you don’t know what has gotten into you, you playfully type, “You are asking my opinion on that as if you are preparing yourself” • “Prepare for what?” he asks • “To get yourself an online girlfriend.” You reply. • His respond reads, “Yes I am.” • “That’s wonderful. That girl you will be confessing is a lucky one.” • “Yea, indeed you are.” • You pause for a moment when you saw the message. • “Wait, you serious? ME??” you quickly send him the message because you thought should you hesitate longer, the mood will turn awkward. • He replies you by sending you a heart emoji. • You give a quick thought, well it is interesting chatting with him and he does seem nice. Plus, it’s online anyway, you could call it off should he becomes toxic and annoying like your previous experiences. • “I wasn’t sure if you are ok with someone like me. “He continues. “I am fine if you want to call it off should you found someone in real life later on.” • “Don’t be silly, that should be my line.” You retort him. • And then you have it, another secret. You have an online boyfriend now. You both even declared each other as a pair of soulmate publicly on the app. But you two did not exchange selfies, keeping the relationship virtual and anonymous. • However you two always share interesting stuffs happen on daily. New book, new cd, a random shot of a puppy or cat you met on the street. • Also before year end, you overheard girl colleagues gossiping about your superior has a girlfriend now; you are not interested at his private life so you just let it slide. • But you did briefly mention it to your boyfriend. Not in a gossip tone, more of a life update share. • Of course there are some girl colleagues that are ok with you comes to you, hoping you leak some information about ONF member’s rumoured girlfriend. But of course you know nothing at all, leaving them with disappointed answer. • Fast forward to the week before Valentine’s Day. It is also 10th month since ONF member joins the company. • Out of the sudden, your online boyfriend suggests you two to meet up. You are not against it, and it’s not like you never met anyone you know from the app. Thinking why not knowing a new friend in real life, you agreed his offer. (Also because you are curious what he looks like so that you can understand why he was single before dating you) • You even inquired his preference in chocolate and promise bringing him some on official first date. • Your boyfriend thanks you and suggests a place for dinner. You knew that place, it’s expensive and you could not help but wondering if he is trying hard to match you. (You still thinks he is just a normal employee in a company) • But, your boyfriend only replies: “Don’t worry, it is the perfect spot, I could not think of others that are suitable to our taste.” • You can only acknowledge it because you don’t want to have an argument to blow up but deep down you could not help yourself to start doubting again. • “It’s going to be Ok, right?” you question your decision, but it’s too late.

1-8 • On Valentine’s Day, younger female colleagues in your office give out chocolate treats to younger male colleagues as friendship presents, some of course using the occasion to confess. • You don’t have the habit of presenting chocolate treats as a token of friendship appreciation at the office. But you are giving your date chocolate treat later; you hid yours in your bag carefully scared of being teased should anyone saw it. • ONF member gets some too. One female colleague even teases him if he is going to get chocolate from his girlfriend. And ONF member replies that he might get it later that night. • Of course ONF member will asks you for chocolate treat with an innocent face, you just bluntly tell him that you don’t have the habit to give out chocolate treats, he only pouts after listening to your respond. • By the way today you unintentionally changed your makeup (lipstick or eyeshadow). No one dared to make any comments but not your superior, ONF member. • He goes: “Y/N ah? Did something good happen on you? Are you going to a date tonight?” • You are typing quick report and his words caught you off guard. You flinched at his words. Hoping ONF member did not notice, you quickly lied by telling him simply ran out of your usual makeup colour. • But your superior teases you a bit, “Aww, I was hoping I could attend your wedding in near future. “ • You have gotten used to his socializing pattern, so you counter him by asking if he is going to bring his girlfriend to have a nice dinner at a grand restaurant. • And to your surprise, he revealed the place he will be having dinner with his partner. It’s the same place where you are heading to later. He had a special room booked exclusively for tonight’s date. • “Oh, Oh… Have fun and enjoy your dinner.” You force yourself to break a smile. • ONF member only smirks at you and gives you a few pats on your shoulders and says he will have an unforgettable night before returning to his room. Leaving you questioning the meaning of his actions that are unpredictable but also definitely intentional. • Of course you had a quick thought asking your boyfriend if it is possible to change location, you could not bring yourself to ask as you are worried you might sound rude/arrogant trying to change plans on the last minute. You deduced that since ONF member will be having dinner in a room, you might not going to bump into him. You and your boyfriend can just finish dinner quickly. • You could not have that bother you too much time because you need to finish your report so that you can leave on time. Once it reaches the end of office hours, the others started to leave. You made up a plan to leave after ONF member leaves the office. You keep raising your gaze to have a slight peek towards your superior’s room. • Seeing him finally standing up from his chair and adjusting his suit. You can tell he is finally leaving. He passes through your desk and asks, “Y/N ah, please don’t tell me you are planning to work overtime during this special day?” • You only smiles and tell him you are going to finish soon, “Don’t you have a dinner to attend?” you remind him without looking at him, acting as if you are typing the remaining contents of your report. • “Yea I do. See ya.” ONF member waves you goodbye. • You leave the office after 10 minutes. (As for method of transport to the restaurant, I will leave it to your choice.)

1-9 • You reach the building of the restaurant. You let out a sigh, hesitating to step in nonchalantly knowing ONF member is inside there as well. The least thing you definitely do not want to happen is ONF member finding you having a dinner date tonight. It’s embarrassing and it will break the balance of your work and private life. • While you are pacing in front of the building with hesitation, you receive a chat notification from the app. You open it and it was your boyfriend, notifying you that he has arrived, and he reminds you the restaurant located at 38th floor. • You nervously bite your lower lip knowing it’s too late and it is rude of you to cancel the date on last minute. He was a decent person to chat with and you don’t want to lose a good friend. You are blaming yourself for agreeing to attend this date too casually. And you also find yourself way too wary of your virtual boyfriend’s thoughts towards you should you now called him to cancel the date. • Then you heard a familiar voice called out your name and you turn your head towards the voice unconsciously. It’s ONF member, walking out from the building. You flustered and panicked by just imagining scenarios of him asking why you are here and other many more questions. • “OMG…. Shit shit shit….!” You cursed in your head, regretting your life decisions. Recalling the entire chat context between you two, this might be the worst thing ever to happen in your life. • He is grinning while reaching out to grasp your hand. You unintentionally try to back away from him but he was faster. You tried to pull your hand away but he pulls you toward him instead. You nearly bumped towards his chest. • “Y/N ah, I told you its 38th floor; you did not get my message?” ONF member asks as his smirks widens. • As he finished his words, you only look at the young guy in front of you with disbelief, processing his words. Seeing you froze due to the big plot twist, ONF member taps you on your forehead hoping to unfreeze you. • “It can’t be…You are (ONF member’s ID in the app)?! “You exclaim. • “Yeap.” He responds. • “Impossible…How?” you ask. “How did you know it was me?” • “At first I had my doubt when I first saw an old post of yours. You shot a sunset pic from our office floor by the window near the lift right?” he returns with another question. And man he is good at remembering details. • “Then I confirmed that it was you by the time I announced budget cut/new rules for the company/department. ” he explains • “I…” You could not bring yourself to say anything, but you are not an idiot, “(ONF member name), did you risked your reputation in the company just to find out a stranger’s real identity?” • “No, I did not, I swear. I initiated the plan to suddenly announce the budget cut because I want to find out which board seniors will make a move to cover up themselves, as requested from my predecessor.” He knows you well to sense that you are angry, and he quickly denied. “I only know it was you when I checked up on you. Since then I have been dropping so many hints for you to realize, but it seems like you are the dense one here.” • You can tell he is telling the truth. • “This is absurd…” you mutter while placing your hand on your forehead. • ONF member let out a sigh and he shifts behind you, places his hands on your shoulders then pushes you forward. “Come on, I am starving we can talk about it later, you did not had a decent meal during lunch as well right?” • He is right, you only had a mini croissant during lunchtime.

• You follow him without a word to the entrance of the building and enter the lift to 38th floor. ONF member has booked a nice room that both of you can enjoy the city’s night view.

1-10 • It was a luxurious dinner but you are not in the mood enjoying it. In fact you are so stressed that you could not even taste your food. You did not touch your dessert at all. • You only quietly trace the shape of wine glass in front of you while looking at the night view, hoping the night to pass quickly. • “You are not happy with me being your date, Y/N?” he suddenly asks. • You jolted and you finally look at him in the eye for the first time tonight. • “You startled me, I am still trying to grasp the situation here.” You reply him with a low voice, trying to act calm by casually bring your drink closer to you and hydrates your throat. • “Hey Y/N-ah, I know you mentioned before that you don’t like the idea of dating someone from the office, but…” his eyes are fixed on you. “I like you. Not just the virtual you, but also the real you.” • “I called you a jerk.” You know you should not bring it up, but you still did. • “Which I did act like one so, no hard feelings.” He accepted. “I am truly sorry about that, I was trying to prove myself way too hard.” • Now it got awkward since he apologized without any complaints. You don’t know what to say and avert your gaze again. • “You know, Y/N ah, when you are stressed, you tend to avoid other people’s eye contact. “he breaks the silence. “And you are doing that ever since you reached here.” • Upon hearing his words, you flinched and exchange eye contact with the young man sitting in front of you. • “And oh, and you flinch as well.” He adds, “Which is very adorable in my opinion.” • “(ONF member’s name), I …” you try to explain yourself but he cuts you off. • “It alright, you don’t have to push yourself, I have made you stressed out way too much today.” ONF member smiles at you while saying based on what he observed. • He finally stands up and offers to send you home. You could not decline him because you felt terribly sorry for ruining such as nice date. • “I am sorry, should it is another girl, it will be a terrific night for you.” You apologized before leaving his car. • “Don’t worry; it is an unforgettable night for me.” He responds with his usual smile. • Back at your place, you are frustrated that the night ended up in an awkward and weird way. You only noticed that you did not get to hand him the chocolate treats as promised. • You cannot sleep that night, gazing at the chocolate treats as you holding the package in your hands. You cannot tell if you messed up or you are lucky that he happened to like you. • You wanted to consult a random mutual of yours but you hesitated. Because at this point you are not sure if you actually have the full grasp on the situation. And you don’t want a biased reply. • “It’s just this boyfriend of yours happened to be him, I guess?” you murmur to yourself. But that did not clear up your mind enough for you to make any decision towards the situation. • Several days passed, ONF member did not send any message to you in the chat app. He acted like usual back in office, but it does not look like he has any intention to talk about what happen between you two either. • (The problem is you cannot look at him in the eye) • You are troubled if you should initiate the first move. It’s not like you hate him, you never did in the first place, it’s just he annoys you sometimes. • Then you overheard ONF member having small talk with colleagues, and they ask about his Valentine’s Day. He only replies it was an unforgettable night and he is glad that he is able to meet his girlfriend, it was better than never meeting her at all.

1-11 • From his words, you gain a bit of courage and decided to make your first move. • The next day you arrived at the office earlier than usual, you take out something from you bag and places small gift box on ONF member’s desk. The small box has a memo attached to it. • You hurried back to your desk, acted as if nothing happened while the office starts have more and more colleagues coming in. ONF member arrives later on and he greets you before heading in his room. • You take some quick glances, making sure ONF member notices your belated Valentine’s day gift. • He did noticed and read the memo you attached, then he made a confused look but he adjusts his facial expression immediately as he sees you stood up from your place. • You head to his office room to brief his morning schedule. Like usual, you step into his room, closes the door and starts the briefing. ONF member stares at you with a puzzled expression while sitting on his chair. • Once you done your part and you ask him if he has any schedules to add into the list, he places the gift box into your view and pushes it towards you. • “What do you mean by this?” he inquires. • “I promised you chocolate for Valentine’s day, sorry I was late.” You purposely answer him the wrong information. “ Don’t worry I made a brand new ones.” • “You know I meant this.” He pulls out the memo has his eyes fixed on you. • The memo wrote, “(ONF member’s ID), Let’s call it off --- (Your ID)” • “That’s how it is.” You tried not to break into a smile, you are getting your revenge and this is fun. “You are the one who said you are fine to call it off if either one of us found someone in real life right?” • ONF member pauses for a moment, his eyes wandering then he admits he did say that. • “Well you found someone in real life, so there is not point for us to continue virtual dating on the app anymore right?” you slightly let out a victorious smirk as you ask him. • ONF member finally gets what you mean and he let out a smile. He puts down the memo and pushes himself up from his chair and walks towards you. • Thankfully the design of his room is made up of walls, once the wooden door is closed; no one knows what happens inside. • “So, you are fine with us dating in real life then?” You can feel his breath as he is only one step away from you. This time you are not going to back away and you look at him straight in the eyes. • “I will need to adjust a bit. You have a problem with me being your girlfriend?” you reply with him with another question. • ONF member unconsciously let out another smile, he quickly hides it with his hand, “No, not at all…” and those were the words you can hear coming out from him • “That settles it then.” You widen your grin towards him before turning around ready to leave his office. • But you are being pulled back by a pair of arms. Your back come contact to his chest area. He is hugging you from behind you. • “Seriously, I don’t get you.” He low key complains. “I thought you are going to hate me for real this time.” • “I was going to, you did not texted me and you acting like nothing happened after that night.” You pout as you explain to him. “I thought I have ended my career the moment you told me who you are. And who would have thought a decent CEO would date someone randomly they met in a online chatting app?” • “I am sorry; I thought leaving you unbothered for some time so that you don’t get stressed out.” You could tell from his tone he does feel apologetic. He never sounds like that before during work.

• "But I am dead serious on trying to start a proper relationship with you that’s why I suggested for us to meet up.” he continues. “Glad you felt the same.”

• You freed yourself from his hug and turn to him. • “Now listen, (ONF member’s name), as we are professionals, I do hope you understand that there is a clear line between work and private life.” You remind him. “Just because we are dating now, does not mean that I am going to let you off easily if you messed up during work, ok?.” • “Man, I don’t think I will ever win you huh?” ONF member only look at you affectionately and continues, “As you wish, my beloved assistant/secretary.”

A/N : the concludes for this oneshot headcanon fic should there are more ideas I might write a continuation about this pair for a part 2. Also thinking of linking the universe with MInkyun Florist AU, just a maybe.

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bxoken-heartss · 4 years

Text

Put a Little Love On Me: C.V Part 2

(Y/N): Your name

(Y/E/C): Your Eye Color

(Y/L/N): Your Last Name

' ' ': Switch of scenes

~ ~ ~ : Line by Line Lyrics scenario ending.

// //: Lyrics

Warnings: Mentions of self harm, drinking mentions etc etc

Pairings: Christopher Velez x Reader

Words: 5600 +

Part 1: HERE.

A/N: I know it’s been LIKE 7 years approximately since i typed down the first part. But, I’ve had online classes and crappy assignments..But! HERE IT IS! And once again...I’m SORRY! But I hope you ENJOY! :)

Honorable Mentions: @wwecncowhydontwetrash @calypsocnco @cnco-hoenesty @papichriscnco @richardscurls @h-bea92 @zabdielmuch

//We wrote and we wrote till there were no more words

We laughed and we cried until we saw our worsts//

Chris sat down in front of his desk in his room, his heart heavy and burdened, yet a weird sort of emptiness filling his heart. He spoke nothing as he heard his heart slowly beating..each beat filled with an aura of pain at an in-rhythmically ugly pace.

He felt horrible...He just wanted to escape from this ugly unwanted reality..Writing music was his way of temporary escape from reality..a temporary refuge when things went downhill..

After a heavy workout and a hot relaxing shower, he sat down to write something onto his journal..

He carelessly opened the journal, flipping through the pages slowly as he reached a fresh new page, a fountain pen in his hand as he sat and thought about what he could write about to relieve or rather ease the stress and anxiety building up in him..

He wanted to write something..he really wanted to..but a wave of hopelessness washed over him as he had written a few "Love" related lyrics..

They sounded fake...forced..ingenuity lacing its lyrics..He tried again..but he just couldn't...for she was the only thing that bounced back into his mind..

She was the melody...the inspiration behind all his lyrics..but she wasn't his anymore..

The thought of her in between someone's arms..her new man kissing her..holding her close to him..

The thought of her being happier with someone else who wasn't him hurted him more than he could admit..but a part of him also happy now at least someone would treat her the way she deserved to be treated..

Christopher tried to clear his head..No! He didn't need her! He could obviously move on the way she did..She moved on..rather too quickly..at least that's what the media and all the tabloids said...

He began to write again but there were just no more words to write.. Just mere emptiness and silence fills the air..

The page was empty and dull just like his heart..

~ ~ ~

Y/N couldn't pinpoint on a single moment where she was the happiest with Chris..Every single moment gave her weird yet such long lasting memories.

"GUYS I'M BORED!" Y/N yells as she walks into the boys' studio

"Hi bored...I'm Erick! Nice to meet you! How are you doing today?" Erick asks beaming at her

"Ha ha ha! Very funny pretty eyes..." Y/N replies as she rolls her eyes and claps her hands sarcastically

"Oh come on! That was a good one! Right guys??" Erick asks as he hopefully looks at the boys

"I'm not going to respond to that." Richard comments as he lazily lays on the couch

"Are you done with recording for today?" Joel asks as he sits next to her slinging an arm around her missing the look of jealousy that had stayed hidden inside Christopher's brown orbs

"Yeah...Had a quick meet and greet and did a bit of recording! I'm done for the day! What about you guys?"

"Recording is still left...and we'll probably have a quick Twitter session or something..probably" Joel comments as he looks at her

"So none of you are free??" Y/N asks

"Shawty...as much as I'd love to spend the day I've still got parts to record!" Richard says

"I'm done for the day!" Zabdiel says as he suppresses a yawn

"Zab...Come with me we can go and have fun!!" Y/N pleaded

"Nope mi amor... I'm going to sleep." Zabdiel says as he lays down on the couch

"Chris! Ah! My favorite boy! My darling!" Y/N says as her eyes brighten up

"Hola Hermosa..." Chris comments as he sits next to her

"Chris honey...come on let's have a day out together!" She says

"Couldn't resist me even for a day huh nena?" Chris asks, obviously flirting

"Of course..I couldn't resist your face.. You are so insanely good looking..how could I?" Y/N replies, flirting back ignoring the way how quick her heart thumped against her chest

Y/N began talking to him about the most random things and every time she did Chris interrupted her...He knew it always made her pissed..It was something he always did...but he couldn't resist! She was absolutely ADORABLE when she got mad..

"And then I --" Y/N begins as Chris cracks another uncalled joke in Spanish as Erick laughs to it as he engages in a conversation with Joel.

"CHRISTOPHER BRYANT VÈLEZ I SWEAR TO GOD THAT I WILL CHOKE YOU UNTIL YOU DIE IN MY HANDS!" Y/N yells

"I'd rather be choking you Mami.." Chris replies as he smirks at her as her face flushes into a dark shade of pink

"Gawd..Can't y'all just date already? There's so much sexual tension between you two...Like get laid already and date!" Richard comments rolling his eyes, Erick furiously nodding

"Well..Err..." Chris begins as he nervously laughs

"YASHEL shut up before I kill you!" Y/N warns

"He's got a point...I mean you guys flirt so often that we'd feel weird if you both didn't date.." Joel says

"No! Joel not you too!! Zab...Your friends are being mean to me!!" Y/N complains

"Too late.. he's already asleep.." Joel says as she looks at a sleeping Zabdiel

"You guys are just being dumb.." Y/N comments

"We're being honest..you label it as dumb.." Erick counters earning a eyeroll from Y/N

"Whatever guys...Chris! Are you free? Please tell me you are!" Y/N asks

"Well...My recording for the day is done so I guess?" Chris answers

"Please...let's just go somewhere! I'm so tired of merely sitting around in my studio for hours...a small break would be good right?!" Y/N asks him hopefully

"Yeah I guess.." Chris replies as he rubs his neck awkwardly

"Are you sure you wanna go? You seem dis- interested..." She asks him

"No no... Absolutely not Hermosa.. I'm absolutely ready..Just let me get a hoodie and some shades and inform Ali about it then I'll be all good to go!" Chris comments as he walks away

"So did you finally manage to get him go on a date with you?" Joel asks as he looks at before heading towards the recording room

"Joel we are just hanging out cause he was free...nothing more nothing less." She replies rolling her eyes

"Okay I was just inquiring.." he says exiting the situation

"Oh...you mean one out of your many dates!" Erick says as his eyes gleam with adoration

"Could you just shut up for once Erick?! I told you we're - -" She begins

"Yeah, just friends...I get it..When are you going to realize that you just perfect for each other and just- -" Erick begins as Chris enters the room

"I'm ready Hermosa...Can we leave?" Chris asks interrupting Erick

"Okay sure..If my best friend wakes up by any chance and ever questions about my existence, just inform him that I had gone out with Chris.." Y/N tells Erick as she walks over to Chris

"Will do! Now go already and enjoy the day!" Erick replies as he pushes her onto Chris' arms

They exited the studio as paparazzis surrounded them, their security quickly making way for them as they quickly slid into her car.

"Where do you want to go Miss. (Y/L/N) ?" Y/N's driver, Henry asks (change his name if you don't like the name)

"Well to that less crowded carnival round the corner...And ask the others to stay away..We are heavily disguised so it won't be much of a problem." Y/N comments

"Are you sure Ma'am..I've been given strict - -" he begins

"I'll take the blame in case anything goes wrong trust me!" Y/N reassures as she put on a heavy coat to cover her disguise as Chris helped her with it.

"Thanks Chris..." Y/N says as she shoots him a grateful smile

"Of course Mi Amol..." Chris comments as he returns the gesture.

' ' '

"Aren't you excited CHRIS?!?" Y/N asks as she looks at Chris whose eyes beam with happiness

"OF COURSE!!!" Chris yells excited as he looks at her excitedly

"Then let's g- -" She says but interrupted halfway as Chris grabs her arm and pulls her into the crowd

' ' '

Time had gone so quick that Y/N almost thought her eyes were playing tricks with her when she saw the sun setting.

They had almost finished off all the attractions in the carnival..All the while Chris was just busy taking numerous pictures and videos of her, her giggling and laughing all the while.

"Hermosa...Look at that! I want that!!" He says as he points at a huge teddy bear in a stall.

"Aren't all these enough?" Y/N as she points at the bag of goodies and all those little toys Chris had gotten

"Nope...just one more...besides who doesn't like teddy bears?" He asks

"True but are you sure you want- " Y/N begins

"Hello? Yes...Yeah three soft balls? Cool enough!" Chris speaks as the person on the stall hands him over three soft balls

All he had to do was aim and get the soft ball into the basket that was next to teddy bear.

"Now watch me Hermosa..How I get that teddy in one throw!" Chris flaunts as he begins to aim for it. "But wait..Before that, I think you should kiss my knuckles.." He says finishing off

"And why's that necessary Chris?" Y/N asks her tone filled with sass

"Err..You know...for good luck! You technically just make people around you happy...so I figured that you would have some sort of good luck within you..So I thou- -" He begins

"I understand Chris...You don't need to explain..I was just messing with ya!" Y/N interrupts him as she holds his knuckles and presses a kiss onto his knuckles eliciting a soft blush from Christopher.

She quickly ignored the way her cheeks heated up as she gives him a shy smile, Chris slowly returning her the gesture.

"Go on Chris...try again..Let's hope it works!" Y/N comments as she looks at him

"Yeah okay!" Chris says, the soft ball falling inside a basket that stood next to a stuffed elephant.

"LOOK CHRIS! Elephants are cool too!" Y/N beams at him

"So boy do you want this or do you want to try again?" The stall keeper asks him

"Another try please.." Chris answers disappointed

"Chris you don't need to win the teddy bear specifically..it's -" She begins

"Just wait Hermosa...This time I'll get it in!" Chris says as he held the last soft ball.

Y/N holds Chris' knuckles as she pressed a soft kiss onto them, Chris' knuckles still laying lovingly in her palms. Chris smiles to himself softly not wanting to retreat his knuckles from her touch

"Err..Chris?" She says, gaining his attention.

"Yeah sorry! I was- -" Chris begins

"Come on Velèz! I know you can do this!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!" Y/N cheered

Chris nodded his eyes gleaming with determination...He took a few breathes and threw the ball again and bam! It went inside the basket next to the teddy bear he had wanted.

"YESSS!! YOU GOT THAT IN!! CONGRATULATIONS CHRIS!!" Y/N cheers as she hugs him, as he wrapped his arms around her and enjoyed her embrace.

The stall keeper handed the teddy bear to Chris who instantly took it after thanking him.

"I wouldn't have won it without your good luck.." Chris comments

"Nonsense! Your aim was perfect! That's why you got it!" Y/N replies smiling at him

Chris took a hold of the other things in Y/N's hands as he handed her the teddy bear.

"It's yours now.." He says as he looks at her

"But you won it...and you wanted it!" Y/N replies

"No..I knew how much you loved teddy bears and considering the fact that you were my good luck charm..I think you deserve this" Chris says

Y/N blushed softly..He paid attention to every little thing accidentally slipped out of her mouth.

How she wished you had the guts to tell him how she really felt. She stood on her toes as she pressed a kiss on his cheeks.

"Thank you.." She whispers as Chris looks away blushing as he nodded slowly

~ ~ ~

Every little moment with Christopher was filled laughter and joy..Barely was there were moments she had seen Christopher wasn't happy...That night was probably the first time she had seen him..sad and broken..

It had happened on unfortunate midnight...Y/N had a sleepover with Zabdiel and the rest of the boys at their place after a very tiresome movie night..Everyone retired to their rooms at midnight as it had started off from 10 in the morning that previous day...

Y/N had obviously chose to share a bed with Zabdiel because the guest room was too messy and she was downright exhausted to clean it up...And Zabdiel had always loved cuddling onto her tiny petite figure ever since they had sleepovers from back when they were friends..

She had woken up the 2:00 a.m or so as she felt thirsty. She sat up, carefully removing Zabdiel's arms off her as she practically forced her drowsy self off her bed as she sleepily walked outside the room and towards the kitchen. She grabbed a glass of water and drowned it down her throat quickly quenching her thirst...

She walked upstairs and was about to enter Zabdiel's room when she saw dim lights flashing inside Christopher's room, beams of light radiating from the half closed door. She raised her eyebrows and walked towards his room.

'Was he that exhausted that he didn't have that much of the energy to switch off his bedroom light?' She thought as she slowly enters his room without causing any noises.

She looked around the room but Christopher wasn't on his bed...His bed was neatly folded and didn't seem crumbled at all...Hadn't he slept at all? She looked around and was about to call out his name when she hears muffled yet heavy sobs.

She looked around the room again as worry cascaded her face..She heard the sobs again as she walked towards the source...The sobs growing comparatively louder each time she took a step closer in a quiet pace.

She slowly opened the bathroom door as her eyes widens in shock as a teary eyed Christopher stood in front of the mirror..Her eyes scanned him as she noticed a blade in his hand, her eyes widening in shock as he reflects the same and tries to hide the blade.

She angrily storms upto him as she looks at him with pure hate..She picks up the blade and throws it out the window from the window located inside the tiny bathroom..She then walks upto him as she grabs both his arms, inspecting it. A soft scar was imprinted on his arm.

"I'm- -" Christopher begins

"JUST WHY? WHY CHRIS??" She asks, her tone filled with hate and pain at the same time as she quickly patched up the scar

"It's nothing.." He trails off as he looks away

"Well it has to be something CONSIDERING the fact that you were try to kill yourself!!" Y/N yells

"Please...JUST..Just leave! I don't want you to see- -" Chris says trailing off

"Why...Just why would you do this Chris?" Y/N asks, her eyes brimming with tears

"Why would you care?" He asks her as he looks at her, his chocolate brown orbs instantly losing all the warmth it had ever possessed.

"CHRIS! Why wouldn't I- - I obviously do! Chris- -why would you ever - -" She begins

"I can't take this anymore...It's hard and sad..being HATED by millions..Feeling unwanted... talent-less..undeserving.." Chris interrupts her halfway as he looks down

"Says who Chris?" Y/N questions

"Who doesn't? Everyone hates me..I- -I can't do anything right..No one's there when I honestly need them..I don't blame them too considering how much I mean to them. So I just thought if no one liked me for who I was..why live? It won't make a huge difference whether I lived or no- -" Chris begins as a harsh slap interrupts him

Christopher's eyes widen in shock as he lifts his hand covering his cheek as it stung in harshness and pain.

She looked at him, her cheeks flushed with sad and angry tears as she glared at Christopher

"How- -How could you?!? Do you even REALIZE what would have happened if you..." She begins but gets interrupted by her tears and her shortened breaths

"I'd never forgive myself Chris! I love you too much! How could you even think about this?!?"She finishes off

Christopher's eyes widened as those words processed in his head but cut short when she pulls him into a hug. His tears fell softly as he shivered slightly

"I'm scared...Please..help me..Just don't leave.." Chris stutters

Y/N said nothing but held his cheeks with her hands and pressed a passionate kiss on his forehead and the cheek where she had slapped him.

A simple gesture...which meant something to both of them deep down inside...yet they thought the other didn't feel the same and pushed it into the back of their heads.

"I'm right here Chris...I'm not going anywhere..I'll always be there for you.." She says as he listens to her beating heart.

~ ~ ~

//Is it wrong that I still wonder where you are?

Is it wrong that I still don't know my heart//

"C- - CCa- -a- -n I h- -have ano- -ther o- -on - one lad?" Y/N asks, her eyes glossy as she slurs off

"Miss...you've already had an unhealthy dosage of - -" The bartender begins

"I'M A LEGAL ADULT! I'M PAYING YOU FOR THE DRINKS! WHAT'S YOUR FXCKING PROBLEM?!?" She screams at him as she interrupts him

"But Miss..." He begins

"I SAID GET ME ANOTHER ONE!" She shouts over the blaring music

The bartender reluctantly poured out another drink onto her now empty glass...

Y/N looked around as the place blasted off with various songs she could barely recognize. She glared at everyone and everything as she smoothly half emptied the glass of drink.

She gazed around the room to find couples dancing..couple talking..couples kissing.. and making out in their drunk state, but they had one thing in common..They were all happily in love..

She cringed at the word love..she was absolutely disgusted with the feeling.. She absolutely hated it...But deep down inside...she knew she was lying..somewhere down there..

But a part of her sad..and selfish..Why couldn't she have a happy life? Why was it always her that suffered? What had she done to deserve something like this? Why did it have to be her?

She laid her head down in the wooden table in front of her..She softly wiped away the mindless tears that had managed to slip through her eyes, her sobs as soft as mere whispers..

What sort of a therapy was this? Drinking away so as to ease the pain? She knew how unhealthy this was..but yet here she was..doing the same..

Everyone likes things that aren't good for them..or wish for things they could have..

Finding a coping mechanism trying to escape the painfully true reality...Her thoughts wandered around freely and yet again..it all returned to that one person...Christopher...

Was it wrong that somewhere in her heart she still secretly yearned for his presence next to her??

He must have probably moved on...Enjoying his life with those one night stands and hookups..or maybe even better..a steady girlfriend capable of making him feel loved and deserved...just the way like she used to make him feel once upon a time..

She felt her heart beating..Was it even alive after the amount of unspoken pain she was going through? Was it even hers in the first place? The beats were soulless and un-melodious.. What was happening to her heart? Where was the beauty and happiness in it?

Was it wrong she didn't want to move on and put aside her never seeming to disappear feelings apart and grow up?

~ ~ ~

//Are you all dressed up but with nowhere to go

Are your tears falling down when the lights are low?

Another Friday night tryna put on a show

Do you hate the weekend cause nobody's calling?//

She found herself heading towards her closet as she threw on a fancy t-shirt and a pair of denim jeans as she stopped herself midway..

Weekend nights were always date nights with him...Despite however busy they turned out...they'd manage to spend quality time together..at weird yet wonderful places..

'Y/N get a bloody grip of yourself!' She mentally warned herself.

She changed back into her pajamas as she sat on her bed, her frame leaning towards the headboard of the bedroom.

Her work for the day was done...She had informed her manager, Charles that she was absolutely exhausted and couldn't manage working any longer that day..

She was tired...absolutely tired mentally..Bottling up her feelings were hard..

Zabdiel had come over to her place every single day and texted her every single hour of the day he could to help her...Just so she could talk it out..

But she just didn't talk anything..She talked about daily routines and anything and everything apart from Chris.

Usually after any break up she had, she would talk things out and cry it out to Zabdiel and he'd console her. But this time...she just couldn't and didn't want to be consoled..as if she wanted to keep cry and keep hurting herself..because deep down inside she still wants him beside her.

But what was she supposed to talk about when she herself didn't know how she felt? How could she explain him a feeling she herself couldn't understand?

She hates crying..Hated crying around anyone..So when the day changes into night and when the world or the city was asleep...she used it as an opportunity to let down her guard down and let the tears fall down freely...

She cried and cried till her heart ached with the familiar hidden pain striking hard with every real tear that slipped down her cheeks.

Weekends were always associated with beautiful memories ever since Chris had been a part of her life..now all that filled her weekends were just tiresome, painful tears and put down her daily facade.

~ ~ ~

//I've still got so much love hidden beneath this skin//

Oh how she hates feeling like this.. But the heart want what it wants.. and that was the feeling of being whole again..and no one was capable of doing so apart from..him...no matter how much ever she tried to deny it..

//Will someone put a little love on me

Put a little love on me//

She felt miserable...Absolutely annoyed, frustrated, stressed and all the negative emotions she had ever experienced in her lifetime washes all over her..all it once..the pain intensifying as every little wasted, endless, lifeless tear washes down her cheeks for the millionth time in the same minute..as she aggressively wipes them off, her cheeks burning and her arms sore from wiping away the still falling tears

Her sobs suppressed yet her heart screamed and ached in pain which mere words could never explain..

//When the lights come up and there's no shadows dancing

I look around as my heart is collapsing

'Cause you're the only one I need

To put a little love on me//

Drinking so as to forget..more like to ease the pain..wasn't a solution. Y/N came home drunk at irregular times mostly drunk at the dawn of every morning. An extremely unhealthy coping mechanism but that was her escape from the real world...

She needed to get back to get back to work..so she tried to relax and calm herself down...she couldn't crawl into a corner and mop about someone who never loved her in the first place..

Taking early morning walks, calm and relaxing music blasting in both her ears as she jogged around a very less crowded park with some shades and a hoodie to mask her identity seemed like a temporary refuge..

She sat down on the bench after 5-6 rounds of her quick walks.

She wiped off her sweat with a towel she had carried in her mini bag as she quickly emptied a bottle of water down her throat.

She leaned behind as she lazily stared at the people who walked by... And all she could see was couples..Old age married happy couples...Middle aged couples with their children.. Just couples in general!

Was it Valentine's Day already? or was she seeing what her heart truly yearned for as she had pictured Chris and her holding hands and walking together...whilst they were dating.

The times they spent together were too good and precious to be forgotten.

Her heart felt like she couldn't take it any longer..she felt her heart shattering slowly but heavily..She bit her lip softly suppressing her pain for the millionth time in the past two months.

The insecurity and longing for him hitting her harder every single time.

~ ~ ~

//Last night I lay awake

Stuck on the things we say

And when I close my eyes the first

thing I hear you say is

Put a little love on me

Put a little love//

Falling asleep was almost impossible.. He was already a soft sleeper so he most definitely wouldn't be able to sleep with a heavy head and an empty heart.

Christopher changed into some comfortable outfit as he came out the bathroom freshened up...

He turned off the lights..all apart from the lamp that stood on the night stand. Christopher laid down as he draped the blanket around himself, as he forcefully shut his eyes to gain some well deserved sleep.

But how could he when he was in so much pain he himself couldn't understand the reason for?

His eyes snapped open as he laid down in his bed..he stared at the blank ceiling..

He felt so deprived...Deprived in all ways..physically, mentally and emotionally..He was always frustrated, annoyed and always snappy.

He never intended to damage or yell at everyone but...he was just confused and didn't understand what in the bloody world was he feeling?!?

His heart and mind still was stuck on her...and everything she said...And in a flash he remembers all the beautiful memories she and him had shared together...

"Nena smile!" Chris screams as he clicks another Polaroid as she lets out a surprised yell

"Chris..I wasn't ready!" She pouts sadly

"But mi Amol...You always look beautiful..." Chris says as he wraps his arms around her waist

"Chris you are so cheesy!!" She giggles as he picks her up kissing her nose

"But you love me right?" Chris asks laughing

"Of course you dork!" She says as he kisses her

~ ~ ~

//When the lights come up we're the

only ones dancing//

Y/N absolutely loved dancing.. She'd use any opportunity she could get, she'd drag one of the boys and dance along with them.

Any random song would play and she'd start dancing slowly..urging one of the boys to join...

Richard would volunteer to but Christopher would instantly rush upto her and awkwardly dance next to her.

Her face would instantly brighten up and they'd dance until their feets would give in...They even had an adorable "couple-ish" dance they had devised together.

After they began dating they had begun this sort of unspoken tradition i.e whenever one of them felt sad and didn't want to talk about it..the other would play soft, calm and a sad melody and slowly walk up to the other person and softly begin dancing with them...

"You ready to talk now honey?" Y/N asks as he comfortably rests his head on the crook of her neck as they moved together in sync

"No..not yet..I..I..I jus- -" He begins

"I understand..." She replies interrupting him as his arms wrap securely around her waist "I'm here for you.." She breathes out, Chris's heart clenching at her reassurance as they slowly danced in the silence

Even whether the days were the best or the worst...whether they were the last two people in the world..whether the world hated them..at the end of the day what only mattered was that nothing or no one could change the fact that they were immensely in love with each other, completed each other, accepted and understood each others' flaws and loving them even more...

~ ~ ~

//I look around and you're standing there asking...//

Chris has had enough! Enough of this endless denial. Enough of being in this confused traumatic state he was undergoing right now.

He just couldn't do this anymore..He just likes her so damn much. Her absence was almost driving him insane. As if, he can't live without her.

He misses sleeping and cuddling along with her..his strong arms wrapping around her petite figure as their breathing synced...

The stolen kisses before any stage performances, random make outs in the middle of nowhere, passionate kisses and just soft pecks..Christopher cherished and wished for all of it back again..all only from her..and her alone...no one else apart from her!

He just wants her beside him..right now..tomorrow and just..forever. He was tired..tired of wasting tears and the unexplained heaviness and yet ironically empty feeling in his heart.

For the first time...He admits. He admits that it was him who was wrong in this relationship.

Admits it was his fault he didn't make her stay. Admits that he was just scared to lose her because she was too precious, amazing and only deserved the best..and he just felt..he wasn't good enough for her.

What if he was good enough for her all the while long? What if he was oblivious to the fact that maybe somewhere after all...Maybe all this while all she wanted was him?

He lied. He lied that he didn't care and it didn't tear him apart to see or rather just merely imagine her in someone's arms...Someone who wasn't him..

Nobody...no one else could compare to how he felt around her..He could never feel whole again without her by his side...his Y/N...She was his all the time..it sounded cheesy and haywire cringy but he didn't care cause that was all he needed was her...

Because at the end of the day he LOVED her...His eyes almost widened at his own shocking confession.

He never thought he'd ever be capable of feeling..not a romanticized sort of feeling...He never thought he could love someone like this..

His eyes swelled up with tears..yet again..for the first time today..honest and non stop tears.

Christopher choked on his own tears as they carelessly fell down as if endless..the ache in his heart worsening with every harsh sob..only this time..they weren't suppressed. He let it out...all of it out..he couldn't bottle up his pain any second longer!

She wasn't coming back...She just wasn't...and there was nothing he could do about it...no tears could bring her back...she was just gone.

"Chris..." he heard a voice barely above a whisper

God...he was going insane...second by second...He was hallucinating. He could almost hear her melodious voice..the way his name slipped out of her tongue..But why couldn't he believe it? Maybe because it wasn't practical enough..something so artificial yet felt real at the same time.

His vision was blurry as he let out painful tears as his breath shorten with every harsh sob...

And all of a sudden, he feels something physical...rather someone hugging him...

"Erick...not now...please leave.." He says, his tone desperate.

"It's not Erick..Wonder Boy..it's me.." the presence replies

Christopher's eyes widened. No one ever called him that except..

He instantly opens his eyes..Brown orbs met (y/e/c). The same orbs he had fallen in love with.. rather the same ones he was still in love with..

"Y/N- -?" Chris asks stuttering in disbelief

Y/N looks at him as her lips curl into a sad grin which was a mixture of all the sadness within her, Her face bearing a heavy, sad emotion...so vulnerable and broken yet she tries to stay strong

"Yes...I know you don't- -" Y/N begins but interrupted as Chris crushed her into a bone breaking hug

"I'm- -I'm sorry babygirl..I really am... It's all my fault...I can afford to live with the fact that I'd never ever sleep with you like that...or not being able to kiss you whenever I need you..but I just need you in my life..as a friend at least...I need you in my life somehow!" Chris stutters as tears fall down

"Chris... I'm sorry too.. It's- -" She begins as Christopher silences her clinging onto her

They didn't need words...nor any sort of explanation or apologies..They sob quietly in each others arms.. but this time the tears are happy. Just each others' mere presence was all they needed.

"J- -just don't- -Just don't leave me..please...Y/N..." He sobbed as he held her close afraid that if he let her go once more.. she'd disappear forever from his life..

He still had so much love hidden beneath him...and he wanted to shower all of it onto her..and her only.

After a while of mere sobs filling the air she pulls away slowly from the hug as she gazed into his eyes, him mirroring her actions. His eyes held so much love within it...and it was all for her..

"You're the only one I need.." Chris says, never looking away from her beautiful orbs

"Put a little love on me" She replies

"You're the only one I need.." Chris says again, his tone certain yet shattered

"So put your love on..me" She breathes out as she places her lips on his with nothing but her undying love and passion she forever held for him.

#put a little love on me #niall horan #christopher velez #richard camacho #zabdiel de jesus #joel pimentel #cute #fluff #x reader

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kris10tisme · 4 years

Text

Social Anxiety Origin Story

Social Anxiety is classified as a disorder. Isn’t that crazy!? You can actually read up on it on the MayoClinic or Webmd websites which shows that it really is a legitimate thing; it's not just you being a pussy. Most people who have social anxiety disorder don’t know what it is or why they’re like this. When we first become aware of our incomprehensible phobia we usually feel completely alien. People with this ailment tend to feel like the ultimate freaks, which knocks down their self esteem tenfold. If you have desperately searched online to potentially find answers: I feel you. The first time I felt a sense of belonging in this world was browsing through internet forums, reading about how people had the same irrational fears I did. You can find comfort in it sure, but it's definitely not the same as finding belonging in person. I didn’t know that I wasn’t completely alone in this struggle until I was maybe fifteen or sixteen years old navigating through my insufferable high school life! During that time google searches quickly became my best friend.

I can’t even really pinpoint where my SAD began for me. As a child I was pretty shy but I’d eventually open up once I became semi-comfortable. I didn’t ruminate whether or not I made some sort of fool of myself publicly. I was just having a blast man. Childhood is all fun and games but you really do get the carpet ripped out from under you when you enter adolescence.

I grew up a very privileged child financially - my parents both being middle class. My bills were all taken care of, and I didn't have to worry too much about the connections I would make with others in life. I was a kid. When a kid has no friends it's sad, but when an adult has no friends you wonder what they did wrong and you try to steer clear of them. There must be a reason why they are friendless: they must fetishize feet in their spare time! When you’re a child your only occupation is being a student. I’d wake up, go to school, learn stuff, socialize a bit among peers and then go home to watch TV and repeat, not questioning or overthinking the minutiae or idiosyncrasies in my life; just living day by day. Everything was smooth sailing. I figured I would hit my peak as a teenager and do all the cool teenagery things I saw on television like going to parties, making the cheerleading squad (though I’m not athletic at all; it would just happen), and have a tumultuous relationship with several boys. I’d pick the most special one to lose my virginity to on prom night! Then college would come, I’d go there and graduate and get a job. Sounds simple right!?

WRONG!

Hitting puberty was a big eye opener for me. It’s like once I menstruated my self-esteem plummeted. Everything about life just seemed a lot more competitive. There are all these milestones that society expects you to complete by certain ages: your first beer, your first kiss, your first fornication, your first job. All terrible and unfamiliar things! Now that I had bled and grown boobs, I was in the process of becoming a woman. I had to start making preparations to accomplish these milestones.

Seventh grade was the first year of my life I was depressed, and that terrible feeling hasn’t really depleted all that much since. In sixth grade I felt like a rock star… until the end of the year. I was a downright bully, mocking people in my class for the way they looked and acted. Some of my classmates found me funny, and I liked feeling that bold. I liked knowing that people were on the edge of their seats waiting for me to comment on a situation. It wasn’t until the end of the school year when one of the girls I heavily bullied called me out on my malicious means of garnering attention from my peers. She didn’t even insult me, she just spat out the truth. “You’re mean KRISTEN! You’re a BULLY!”

I can’t even explain how thrown off I felt by that mere observation. I never questioned why I did what I did; I liked the attention. I liked being someone people would be eager to hear from to know my latest outrageous comments on what surrounds us. Hearing this girl call me out for being a mean bully was a gut punch like no other. I couldn’t believe my ears. To me this girl wasn’t a person; she was a vessel. Someone to make fun of. Someone who was an easy target because she had a whole line of insults thrown her way since even before I saw her as easy prey.

No one ever downright called me out on my behavior. My dad did tell my mom that I was a horrible daughter, and he even asked who would want to have a daughter like me. But that was mostly because I was disrespectful towards him. Such a justified comment for a parent to make about his adolescent daughter right in front of her :)

That summer break I had tons of time to reflect upon my actions. I recognized how downright awful I had been to a lot of my classmates and vowed to make amends in the coming school year. I want to say, most of the bullying took place before I began menstruating, so you can blame my abhorrent behavior on my lack of emotional resonance and the fact that my womanly empathy and sympathy had not yet kicked in. That’s how I excuse how I acted.

So by seventh grade I was menstruating, and I grew D cup breasts overnight. I became a stand-up person - someone who didn’t throw vulnerable people under the bus for my own benefit. I became what you would call... “compassionate.”

Seventh grade was the year everything went downhill for me. Maybe it was the hormones kicking in and getting the better of me, or maybe it was me becoming more aware of what society deems as acceptable and proper. I felt like I should be cultivating a role in society, and I didn’t know what role to take. I couldn’t be loud and obnoxious anymore because my victims were starting to bite back and I realized the biting back hurt me more than I could handle.

For the rest of Junior High I struggled with my transitioning into a new person. My classmates instantly recognized how much softer and kind-hearted I became. I didn’t throw around as many insults, and if I did it was just playful banter. Me and the girl I had so savagely bullied were on decent terms, though we never really interacted with one another except for when obligatory social protocol called for it. I struggled with finding my niche again within my class. I got along with people just fine, but I suffered through a big identity crisis: I didn’t know what I could contribute without being outwardly obnoxious. I didn’t know what stereotypical personality trait defined me. Things got a bit more fucked at home for me, so that really took a toll on me mentally. I’ll get into how family influences your socialization tendencies in another post.

I’ve never wanted anything more in life other than to be liked. I know they say that not everyone’s gonna like you and that you should accept that, but I can’t! I just can’t accept it! The only way I will accept someone not liking me is if they’re completely indifferent to me, like when I have not done anything to them or in front of them to warrant them having an opinion on my character. So I keep my mouth shut. BUT THEN… I worry about what a weirdo they must think I am. If I’m too quiet then I give people the opportunity to make assumptions about me based on the impressions they have on me. They can be thinking anything, like that I watch tentacle porn, or that I collect toenail clippings or something.

I wonder if keeping my mouth shut all these years has done me more harm than good emotionally. Speaking up opens you up for attack, and I always feel like I have to be on the defensive. But when you say nothing to anyone, are you really living your life to the fullest and taking advantage of opportunities that could benefit you?

Meeting someone and getting to know them feels kind of like a step by step interrogation for me. The worst question I always get is, “What do you do?” Which I assume means “what do you do for a living?” Another one is,“Do you have a boyfriend?” It seems to me that the general public believes having a solid and steady job and being in some sort of romantic relationship completes the prerequisites for having a satisfactory life. Do these people even consider that you may be unemployed AND single? And that they’re unintentionally making you feel shitty about yourself? Just keep the convo focused on the weather for god sake.

I started this blog to vent about my feelings. I have been journaling a lot recently to blow off some steam because it's uncomfortable to complain about this stuff in real life. Only people on the internet can understand certain problems. I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but I feel like social anxiety is an underrepresented disease in mainstream media. It’s embarrassing to tell people that you are anxious for your next family gathering because you don’t know if you should greet someone with a kiss on their cheek if they’re sitting down. Do I just bend down!? Should they stand up? Am I being too forward, or are they gonna be offended if I don’t make a move to embrace them? That's a whole ordeal for me. It's not what people call a “real problem” but this is the shit I think about while I lie in bed at night. So if shit similar to that wanders through your mind when you contemplate the world, maybe you can find some sort of catharsis through this blog. We may not have a very mainstream disease, but at least we’ve got each other to relate to. We’re people who find solace in reading about similar experiences we’ve experienced online.

Just thinking back on the fact that what jump started my anxiety issue was a small little comment made by someone whose life I made torturous. I don’t place the blame on this girl, as I just enabled her to pull the trigger on some deeper rooted issues I bore. Although it is quite the struggle I am glad that the nastier person I was eventually transformed into a more compassionate one. I never got to formally apologize to that girl. I hope I didn’t leave a big lasting impression on her. I was really shitty to her. I would reach out to her through social media and apologize, but I’ve got way too much social anxiety for that!

Well now that we’ve covered my origin story I would love to hear about all of yours. I will continue to write about various social situations or predicaments that freak me out, as well as stuff I’ve been through at home and in high school and how I’ve evolved and haven’t evolved. I don’t want this blog to be filled with negativity. Hopefully it's self-effacing in a not too depressing way. If it’s too depressing please let me know. I don’t want to spread the feeling of hopelessness with this blog. I want people to find comfort and humor, and maybe we can come up with some potential resolutions for certain scenarios and give each other tips. If there are any readers out there, thanks for reading. I hope this in some way made you smile and feel like less of an outcast. Keep trooping on! You’re not alone :)

#social #anxitey #social anxious #social anxiety #depressed #depression #sad #origin #story #generalized anxiety disorder #help #myparentsdontunderstand #mental heath support #puberty #hormones #peer pressure #mental health #overthinking

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mercurialsmile · 5 years

Text

So I went and saw Hellboy (2019) again since I wanted to get a closer look and sort of analyze it to a degree. It’s been slammed by quite a bit of people and I wanted to understand where they were coming from and have Critical Thinking Skills

Plus I finished reading the whole series (and The Wild Hunt) Sunday so I wanted to see how close of an adaptation it is.

Adaption-wise, 2019 is closer to its source material (The Wild Hunt) than the OG is (Seeds of Destruction)

It’s not a perfect adaption at all, of course. If you go by the condensed Omnibus’ as a guide, The Wild Hunt is the third book in the series. By the looks of it, they are reshuffling the events on how they happen and character timelines as well. Honestly, Seeds of Destruction would be a hard comic to adapt faithfully as it doesn’t have as streamlined a plot as Wild Hunt does but I digress.

There were a lot of changes. I don’t wanna go into each bullet point bc spoilers and also that would be a longass list. All I can say is some characters were missing, some added into the movie from different comics, the BPRD isn’t in the comics at all, obv all references to social media and the modern world aren’t in the comic, aaaaand of course: Hellboy actually fought 6 giants not 3. They nerfed him.

They also added two short stories to the movie, and they are also pretty close to the comics with some minor changes (and shortened even further...)

Fight-scene wise it seemed the flow of each fight fit in with the comic depiction of them so that was a nice touch.

If I were to give a score out of 10 for how close the movie adaptation is... I’d probably give it a 4-5. Which isn’t that bad considering just how dense TWH is and how much story leads up to it. TWH is the third book of series for a reason.

Plus some changes needed to be made due to the fact it’s a movie and they’re trying to tell a cohesive story

Hellboy, as a comic series... isn’t a cohesive story. It doesn’t have an intricate plot. That’s not the point. Hellboy is an introspective character study steeped in folklore and mythos with lovecraftian horror elements and interesting and unique monster designs.

Turning that into a blockbuster movie sounds like a bitch and I am not jealous of the writers for this movie at all.

That being said, I wanna pinpoint some issues I read some people had with the movie, add my own thoughts to that, and list what I liked and didn’t like of this movie.

No comparisons with the OG will be noted and I will not bring it up. This is a different movie in a completely different genre. Also OG is one of my favorite movies and shall always hold a special place in my heart

Music:

People noted that there were too many rock songs and not enough originally composed songs

Personally, the rock songs didn’t bother me too much. In some places they felt a little off or like I was watching a tv show rather than a movie, but it wasn’t too bad for me.

There were original songs or at least instrumentals littered throughout the movie including a reprise of the original Hellboy theme (a riff in the beginning and the complete at the end) which was nice to hear

I can see why the rock songs could bother or annoy some but for me it wasn’t that big of a deal

But I still do love original soundtracks and do wish this movie had more original songs in it

What bothered me more than the music was the quick Hellboy intro. I like buildups to my movie titles in movies like this and was a bit bummed I didn’t get to hear Hellboy’s full theme song... till the end during the movie

Exposition:

Some people complained the movie spent too much time rehashing some information. Indeed, in some places the movie felt it was beating us over the heads. In others it was more subtle, which is a bit odd

Really tho it’s a pretty small problem to fix? Only two changes would need to be made:

1. Take out the narration in the beginning of the movie

2. Cut out the adapted short story scene and have it remain as dialogue

Easy

Again, it didn’t bother me too much as the exposition issue was really only an issue in the first half of the movie? And happened only twice

However I can understand why people had an issue with it

Dialogue:

The writing is a mixed bag. Some scenes had good if not great writing and other scenes were a bit painful to listen to.

I did read this movie had some issues being developed due to creative differences and being shuffled around a lot... and in some places it shows. In others not so much. The middle of the movie is def where the weakest writing lies, I think

CGI:

This movie was an utter gorefest and had quite a bit of CGI. In some places it looked fine, I think. In other places it looked really cheap

I have no idea why the look of the CGI bounced around so much? Maybe they stretched their budget a bit too much, who knows

There was only one scene where it looked god awful and honestly that shot didn’t need to be in the scene to make it effective. Which is annoying I agree

I’m starting to sound like I disliked this movie huh? I’ll get to what I liked about it. Wanna say what other things I personally disliked:

* Professor “Broom”’s characterization

* Hellboy knowing less than he does in the comics for... drama?

* Honestly the entire father subplot

* The entire scene at the bunker. Ugh

* Some of the shots were... bad. Trying too hard to please the 3D crowd ig

* The fact that the Blood Queen didn’t have her raven helmet. that thing is badass

* Some tonal problems but it wasn’t too distracting

But there was a lot of things I also liked?

* All the monster designs! Especially the titans

* David Harbor’s performance

* No love triangle and no romance subplot in general. Nice

* Anung un Rama’s design

* Character costuming

* A lot of the shots, especially in the beginning and the end were interesting

* Baba Yaga. Her and that entire scene.

* The pig of course!

* Some of the dialogue was clever

* Got to see Hellboy riding a dragon. Nice.

* I actually liked the violence and gore. Even if it was pointless in some scenes. I like gory movies. Fun

* They made Alice a bit more proactive in this movie which was a good change

* Also the transformation during the pig battle.

* The main plot of course

Overall I think this movie is mainly getting slammed by fans of the og which... is expected honestly

I love the OG. If I could trade this movie in for the third of that trilogy I would. But life doesn’t work like that and I’m happy to see more Hellboy content in general and who knows,,, maybe we’ll get a finished trilogy this time?

I think this movie stands alone decently enough. Interestingly enough it seems those who read the comics are a lot less harsh on it than others? Well, for the most part from what I’ve seen.

This movie is campy, funny, full of action, with unique monster designs... which is what Hellboy kinda started as?

It has issues but don’t all movies? It’s not perfect and I still prefer OG but I ain’t gonna knock this movie because of that.

This is not a drama. It is a horror/action/comedy. And it plays itself as such and isn’t overly serious, which is okay.

Actually I’m hoping it gets a sequel. Hopefully it’ll be better than this movie, with betting marketing, and I think they’re gonna develop Conqueror Worm next And I loved that entire storyline a lot so! If they are going that direction (which is to say backwards in the comics...) I look forward to it!

#shutuplanx #review #Hellboy

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theparaminds · 5 years

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The desert of adolescence is dry and brutal. Dunes and murderous heat engulf the eyes and heart with unwavering repetition. Walk for months and you may only inch closer to enlightenment. But there, in the distance, is an oasis. An understanding and all enriching moment of freedom within the drivel of growing up. For any, this is oasis is personally founded in their art, experiences and ideologies. But in this generation, not a single youth’s oasis is complete without Surf Curse; not complete without their generational ability to connect.

It’s known that if you’re a teen and with the opportunity to see Surf Curse live, you simply must. Having been a pair of blinded youth at one point, Nick and Jacob have grown to a point of personal understanding. They began as idealistic 18-year-olds, similar to their fans, but now stand as formed individuals who grasp their inner values and principles. Mirrored in their new album, Surf Curse have come to terms with what it means to grow and the beauty that exists in the process. While terrifying, the desert is gorgeous in its grandiose novelty.

But here and now, at the oasis, Surf Curse is delivering a message of hope. Their body of work, so far, can be seen as the journey of self-discovery that now culminates with a catharsis of teenage moon dreams and film history. They want all youth to have the freedom they were able to attain through creating their art. And in creating that freedom, Surf Curse is cementing an opportunity for normality for young lives of turbulence. From now on, the oasis will never die and, due to their efforts, will be able to speak to limitless bleeding hearts. - How’s your day been going so far and how have you been as of late?

Nick: My day’s going pretty good so far, just started honestly as I had a bit of a late night. Both of us did. I was up until 5 in the morning just having a good chat with some friends. Got only like 4 hours of sleep.

With the new work finally coming into the foreground after a while of planning and rollout, what is the most overwhelming feeling in your life right now? The one that defines you emotionally.

N: I guess this release has been so different from everything else we’ve done. It’s very well organized and the record is well produced. There’s been a lot of money, time and effort put into it. I think it's the most organized it's ever been. There are no surprises which is really nice, but you do get the feeling of a large stakes situation. It's just anxiety hoping that everything goes well. We’re both very confident in it though. I’d also say it's just a lot of waiting. The records been done for over half a year now so we’re just excited to see everything rolling out.

Through this last year, what do you look back on as your favorite memory and almost a time that defined this entire few months for you?

N: I really do think recording this last album was such a great experience. We usually record so DIY but this time around, with the label backing, we were able to go into a studio with an engineer. It was such a special experience after over 10 years of home recordings to be able to go into a studio and make a professional sounding project. I know for Jacob and I, it was one of the best experiences of our lives. Every day was such a blessing.

When you look back at the early days of this band in 2013, how do you compare your artistic vision from then to now and do you think you are in a place of satisfaction with it?

N: I really love where it is now. I think there’s been a lot of growth and it’s hard to anticipate growth really, it just comes naturally. We were fortunate that as we've had a lot of time to sit with ourselves and write freely. This last record is one of the things I’m most proud of and it's a very obvious change in our sound and style. But again, that’s been a natural progression. Any musician or artist goes through that. It’s not a conscious effort either, it just progresses. When we wrote those first songs we were both 19, but now we’re each 27.

You did mention working with a new producer and really having it all be a tighter and more professional effort. But how do you feel that is visible within the songs and how do you feel seeing it all come into fruition in a professional sense.

Jacob: I think the production of it changed a lot of our songwriting. We had a bunch of demos but only in entering the studio did we realize the true capabilities we had. I think the original songwriting is still there but there was just a feeling we could make it much more true to life. As we were recording we noticed how cinematic and grand it is as well. We noticed it was a large cathartic experience. That, in some places, was a result of being able to add strings to something or having someone come in to create larger harmonies. It influences the songwriting in that you have to write with something truly grand in mind.

In the run-up for this project, there’s been a lot of talk about the influence that came from old cult film and the idea of peering into adolescence through film. With some songs like Midnight Cowboy the influence is obvious, but what other films do you feel achieved that vision you pulled from?

N: I think it's funny because there's a lot that is very on the head. We have some films that pretty directly translate to the song. Usually, a song is just a melting pot of so many ideas that it is never limited to one thing. I think with the song ‘Opera’ it is very clearly about Dario Argento’s Opera in the style and structure. But the themes are more relevant to our lives and what is going on within them. With the entire album’s feel as a whole, we were trying to make something like the movie ‘The American Friend’. Before we shot the album art we watched it with the photographer just to get a general vision for it. I really do feel it is so many different films that we consumed. Even when we were recording we had VHS’ playing constantly in the background. You can look at the tracklist and breakdown a lot of the obvious influences.

If you could personally take any film in history and strip its soundtrack, thus replacing it with this album, which do you think it’d fit with best?

J: I don't even know if we can. I think we'd have to make the movie go with it.

Then what would the plotline of that film be?

J: what's interesting is we created that newspaper that had that short story inspired by the album cover as a scene. It was a way to verbalize much of what’s going on within the actual songs.

A lot of the album’s ideas are apparent in the music videos as well though. How do you feel you're able the concepts of the music into the visual space and is it important for you to create the stories through the different mediums?

N: I think it's funny because the music is so influenced by visual art. Once we create the song it becomes its own thing that needs to go through another filter to be understood. The music video for Disco is a combination of ‘The Last Days of Disco’ and this film called ‘The Hole’. It’s a combination of two things that would never find a life together other than in this video. It's fun and interesting to be able to almost pay homage to very different films we can interpret similarly.

On top of film, what other art and external factors did you find guiding you upon this artistic journey?

J: Just life honestly. The experiences and what we’ve been going through. I mean, ‘Midnight Cowboy is a fictional song, but I wrote it because someone that I had dated was a sex worker. They explained to me their whole philosophy of sex work and I was so inspired by that while cared so much for them that I tried to put myself into that perspective while being in love during that. The song Jamie is about Nick and I’s good friend and it’s songs like that we can look back on and remember the moments and heartbreaks along with them.

N: I think as we’ve made this record, the environment we created it in influenced it a lot. Moving to LA and creating such a grand project that is a step forward for us in our lives. Just being in the culture of LA and the weird celebrity of it has been a big influence. It’s also hard to say on some level. It really just is the accumulation of so many moments and so much media it’s impossible to pinpoint which is above the rest.

To kind of throw a quote at you, when Billy Corgan was making a lot of his nostalgia-based music for the Smashing Pumpkins, he said he was: “taking [his] childhood, wrapping it with a bow and putting it under [his] bed”. In a sense being able to look back on the past fondly but without a need for it. Do you feel this project, as you’re at 27, did the same for you or is there still a lot you're trying to find?

J: Absolutely. It's funny because ever since we began very young at 18-19, our whole demographic has been teenagers and people in their twenties. It's always been young faces throughout the years. We get very nostalgic and in love with these moments we have with each other and with friends. We’re trying to capture that. A lot of this album feels very much like these sweet moments or tough moments or moments of blessings where you just have to be in love with the times.

N: A lot of it does put a bow on it but the music doesn't give answers. It's confronting the tough questions of adulthood and life and the themes on the record are more mature than what we dealt with in the past. That's also just growing and having experiences. If anything, a lot of the adolescent or youth influence is from the fact I believe when you release a song, it’s someone else's. And with our fans being young it's a way for them to transcribe their growing up. Writing these songs has not felt like looking back on the rearview mirror but instead being within it.

You really have connected with the youth, as you said, and people talk about the staple of going to a Surf Curse show in their teens. But how do you feel about the fact that the legacy may be a soundtrack to that coming of age time and to find an answer through what you were trying to solve?

N: I think it's a beautiful thing. It's also a secondary thing as well. It’s never an intention but I think that it’s a beautiful result of music and it’s hard to take credit for it. It just becomes whatever someone makes of it and I can be proud of it all, but I think it's so unintentional. It’s hard to grasp how to feel about it or to take part in it.

Do you feel that you have memories in the future you’re currently nostalgic for before they even happen?

J: I think we're both excited to be on tour again. We’re looking forward to being in a car with people we love and having good and rough nights. I was on this Current Joys tour opening for Nick’s band and I still think of being in the car with everyone and loving it, or sometimes being so miserable some nights.

It seems on tour it’s not the shows that are memorable at all but the moments in between and the events between the milestones.

N: Oh for sure, the show is just 10% of the tour. No one else sees what else gets put into it.

J: We’re just part of that one hour for everyone else. But honestly, we’re probably 12 shows in and on an 8 hour drive consuming music and reading a book and having a beautiful conversation, probably telling the same story for the 5th time.

Do you have anyone to say thanks to or anything you want to say as a final idea?

N: I would say to any young creatives, do your work for the right reasons. Do it for yourself and don't create for being cool. Create so you can get yourself out there. Don't get blinded by what everyone perceives as a success. Find, make and achieve your own success.

J: Yeah, stay in your lane. I've been thinking about this a lot because I've been swimming a lot. I'm a new swimmer and I go to the YMCA and I’m learning to swim. It’s so hard and very existing. But those who go to this pool are really advanced swimmers and we have to share a lane. But whenever I look at what they’re doing I lose my form and focus. I always think about that when people talk about other artists. When you focus on what they're doing, you’re going to mess up your form. Stay in your lane and don't worry about how people will consume it. Just make it what you want. Oh, and watch ‘Too Old to Die Young’.

Photos by Matthew James-Wilson

Follow Surf Curse on Instagram and Twitter

Listen on Spotify and Apple Music

Words and Interview by Guy Mizrahi

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teenvogue · 6 years

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Adam Rippon Discusses His LGBTQ Advocacy, Self-Care, and Leaving Figure Skating Behind

It’s been less than a year since Adam Rippon officially became“America’s Sweetheart” (self-proclaimed but true nonetheless). The skater made his indelible mark during the 2018 Winter Olympics — not only with his medal-worthy figure skating abilities, but also his powerful displays of LGBTQ pride, magnetic personality, sense of humor, and razor-sharp wit — all of which quickly catapulted him to icon status.

Since the February games, he’s continued to shine on the public stage. No longer skating competitively, Adam has since shifted his focus to new outlets and projects. This year, he won Dancing With the Stars: Athletes; his upcoming gigs include a place at the judge’s table on Dancing With the Stars: Juniors and a guest role on Will & Grace.

But his work also extends well beyond Hollywood, as Adam continues to be a leading advocate and voice for the LGBTQ community. Among other efforts, he helped raise $40,000 for GLAAD’s LGBTQ youth programs, received the Human Rights Campaign’s Visibility Award, signed on as an ambassador for the When We All Vote campaign, and co-hosted the Trevor Project’s TrevorLive gala (which raised more than $2 million for the non-profit).

Most recently, Adam participated in a benefit reading of The Laramie Project, a play (and movie that follows a small town after the death of Matthew Shepard, a gay 21-year-old who was murdered in a hate crime in 1998. And shortly before the Laramie benefit, Adam and Wanda Sykes co-headlined the Chicago House Speaker Series, an event benefiting Chicago House’s work providing housing and supportive services to people impacted by HIV and AIDS, as well as LGBTQ marginalization. “I think that Chicago House is such an awesome place for a lot of people who feel like they need a sense of community,” Adam explained to Teen Vogue. “I think the work that they started doing in the ‘80s and the work that they've transitioned into doing now is so important, and it's helped so many young people feel like they have a seat at the table.”

Teen Vogue met up with Adam in Chicago to discuss life after skating, his next dream job, and his favorite stress-busting self care ritual.

Teen Vogue: Since the Olympics you've become a prominent advocate for the LGBTQ community. What has that experience been like for you?

Adam Rippon: A little surreal. I feel like, at the core, I haven't changed at all; and I feel like my life is still pretty much the same even though it's not and totally different. But I try to remember that I feel like people listened to me because my voice felt real. And in a day and age like now, when you can follow athletes and you can follow them on different social media platforms, you know what they stand for. You know where they are. You know what they're doing. But if you say something that doesn't feel authentic, people can see right through that.

So when I was at the Olympics, I told myself I just wanted to enjoy the experience. And I felt that my version of enjoying the experience would be [to be] honest in every interview [and] focused in every competition. And I felt like I was able to do that, and I felt like people could relate to that. It was just such a great experience; and I feel like because I was able to do that, I was able to share my story and hopefully help people along the way.

TV: Now that you’re a leading voice for not only the LGBTQ community but also your generation, do you feel like there's a lot of pressure on your shoulders?

AR: No, no more than before. I think being the kind of athlete I was — I'm the oldest of six kids as well — I've always sort of felt like a big brother. And I've always tried to feel like a leader and somebody that people could turn to for advice, or if they needed somebody just to be there. A lot of people have said, “I'm surprised you haven't said something crazy or something off-kilter.” But I've always been really thoughtful, and I try to be thoughtful of other people and other people's feelings and say things that are important to me and cut the bullsh*t. If it's just for a quick laugh, it's not really that important to say.

I love to be funny, but I feel like it's easier to poke fun at yourself rather than other people. But I don't feel any more pressure than before because since I was young, I wanted to be that role model that I didn't have growing up. So I try to be that.

TV: You’ve been working on a lot of exciting projects, including the recent benefit reading of The Laramie Project. What compelled you to sign on for that?

AR: I started to learn a lot about Matthew Shepard and his story. It's pretty powerful that…[today], somebody [would] be embraced across so many different Americans for being their authentic self; and 20 years prior to that, somebody was murdered for being gay. I feel like Matthew Shepard and his story have helped pave the way for somebody like me to be successful and to be embraced, and I felt like it was really important for me to get involved. When I was asked to get involved in the reading, I obviously jumped at the chance.

TV: While you may not be competitive skating anymore, your schedule seems to be just as busy — if not more so — with your advocacy and your new endeavors, like Dancing With the Stars Junior. How do you handle the stress that comes with all of that and make time to take care of yourself?

AR: Right now, I'm trying to do everything that comes my way so that I can take in the whole experience. I think as I get further along, I'll be able to really pinpoint what it is I'd like to do next. I love entertaining. I love making people laugh. I love being in that space. I love performing; and for a while, skating was that outlet for me to be a performer. [Now I’m] trying to take advantage of everything. I've been trying to do a little bit of everything, and I think my schedule is maybe 10 times busier than it was when I was competing.

How do I take care of myself? I think no matter where I am, I try to set up a little space where I just make sure I brush my teeth and I wash my face. And then I just let the rest fall into place.

📸: NBC Sports

#Adam Rippon #Figure Skating #Teen Vogue #Olympics #Winter Olympics

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iluvtv · 6 years

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“I Sleep in a Bed but I’m Homeless” and other contradictions in terms

Last month Donald Glover curated a media moment. He hosted Saturday Night Live while his alter ego Childish Gambino simultaneously appeared as the musical guest. All the while (to much social media fanfare) he dropped a music video chock full of divisive commentary on racism in America. In my opinion this wonderfully creative and crucial social commentary rattled the masses far more than I think they should have. I'm startled by the possibility that one could "be here now” and still be surprised that This is America.

Point being though, that during a spring weekend’s naughtiest hours in 2018 Glover did what he did best — worked. And in doing so his art (as it is wont to do) challenged us. In just a little over and hour this legendary genius gave us everything he has to offer. He made us laugh, taught us something and kept up his now signature cocky air. Reaffirming that while he will provide his brilliance for us to share and learn from it is not exactly for us.

In an incredible New Yorker interview by the fabulous Tad Friend earlier this year Glover explains; “If ‘Atlanta’ was made just for black people, it would be a very different show. But I can’t even begin to tell you how, because blackness is always seen through a lens of whiteness—the lens of what white people can profit from at that moment. That hasn’t changed through slavery and Jim Crow and civil-rights marches and housing laws and ‘We’ll shoot you.’ Whiteness is equally liquid, but you get to decide your narrative.” For the moment, he suggested, white America likes seeing itself through a black lens. “Right now, black is up, and so white America is looking to us to know what’s funny.”

But before we go that deep, early in that SNL episode there was his monologue. Through this caricature of himself Glover pokes fun at the man he presents in this interview. By claiming there is "nothing he can't do" while failing at everything, subsequently puking into a clarinet and repeatedly bringing up his rejection from SNL many careers ago, he delivers audiences a humbler version of himself. This is notable because even if the farce is egotistical what he's actually playing is failure. Was this by a cast writer's design to mock his arrogance or did he write every word himself?

Neither would surprise me. After greedily consuming Atlanta’s first season (Hulu why must you wait so long to give me new FX seasons?) and then studying the media image Glover presents I see he is his own anomaly.

Confident, worried, scared, brave, untouchable and sensitive. Through his thoughtful creativity he has (for the most part) been given permission to be whomever he wants.

We all will agreeably, eagerly (and even gluttonously) accept all of it.

He didn’t always believe this would be possible. When he first pitched Atlanta he was certain this wouldn’t be the case at all but FX surprised him. In the New Yorker interview the producers explain:

“The parts that you’re worried we’re going to think are too weird—lean into those.”

From its onset I suppose Atlanta can be read as sad. A sort of devastating drama on race and poverty and violence. And while this is clearly a trap story there is an almost inexplicable, deep seeded sense of satire that feels both simultaneously impossible to pinpoint or ignore.

In imagery and experiences (which more often than not trend more towards metaphors than reality) Atlanta challenges me. I just can’t get enough but I also can't help but feel like most of the time I don't totally get it. And this is just the tip of the iceberg in the long series of anomalies which like Glover himself comprise Atlanta. At the end of the day am I just too white, slightly too old (and more to the point un -hip) or was this confusion just the purpose?

FX Chief John Landgraf explains to the New Yorker, “Donald and his collaborators are making an existential comedy about the African-American experience, and they are not translating it for white audiences.”

There is a consistent underlying dichotomy in all of Atlanta's odd stories and part of it I suppose is an assumed understanding between the white coastal viewer and Glover that we are only partially in on the joke.

Presenting this dichotomy, Atlanta begins introducing Earn (Glover) and Van’s (Zazzie Beetz) relationship which while terribly charming is equal parts fleeting. Seconds into a relaxed and loving scenes their relationship just as quickly turns contentious.

We watch this pattern repeat again and again.

The pilot episode continues in this vein introducing relationship dynamics before revealing a storyline or history.

We meet Earn’s fed up parents. Friendly enough but annoyed that their adult son is always asking for money, oh and also that he doesn't flush.

Earn: "That wasn't me."

Mom: "That was you. I checked. You better start eating some real food and not all these candies and cookies..."

We are introduced to my favorite character, Darius (Lakeith Stanfield) wearing only an apron while baking cookies. He also has guns and a butcher knife.

We witness the first of many racial power dynamics as Earn takes his cousin Alfred’s (Brian Tyree Henry) tape to a white DJ “buddy”, hoping if he can get Al’s alter ego Paperboi radio time he'll be able to convince his cousin to give him work representing Paperboi. It is here we see some dumb white kid front as though he is "hard" using language he would never use in front of any black man he found intimidating. Because Earn is not intimidating. In the face of this obnoxious DJ Earn is unassuming, friendly and essentially desperate all the while ignoring the terrible behavior of a stereotypical white millennial’s crude attempt to impress his "nigga" while completely refusing to throw Earn a bone by spinning Paperboi's first single. It is noteworthy throughout this season just how child like un-intimidting the character Glover has created for himself is.

Later when Earn manipulates things in his own favor he asks an older black janitor if this rude white DJ has ever said "nigga" in front of him.

The janitor is stunned by the very thought!

But this is who Earn is. Friend describes it as such: “Atlanta” broke rules that most viewers hadn’t quite realized were rules. In comedies, jokes are underlined by closeups, but Atlanta’s camera stayed aloof, serving not as an exclamation point but as a neutral bystander. The characters didn’t have histrionic reactions to the problem of the week; they just gave up a little more. Earn was an antihero, as is now customary, but, unlike Don Draper or Walter White or Olivia Pope, he wasn’t an expert in anything. He wasn’t a great manager or a great part-time boyfriend or, for that matter, a particularly promising human being. Curiously boyish in shorts and a backpack, he wasn’t even active, the minimal standard for television characters. He didn’t seem to do or want anything. He just watched and flinched and got yelled at to grow up.”

The episode ends with the show's first of many very obvious forays into existential surrealism. The way Atlanta plays with fantasy is very fresh and new and brave and often completely impossible to fully comprehend forcing me to wonder why I only took a handful of philosophy courses in college?

But aren’t those courses just an antidote of the privileged white youth’s confusion?

That and marijuaina.

Again, Friend addresses this discussing Glover's complete willingness to fail where other black television revolutionaries are wary.

“This sensibility is singular yet recognizable. Just as John Cheever’s epiphanies and apologias were stamped by drink and Paul Bowles’s hallucinatory quietude by hashish, so “Atlanta” ’s vibe is molded by weed. There’s a goofiness to the action, a dreamy awareness that reality is untrustworthy right now, but hold up, try this edible. Recognizing that quality, Lakeith Stanfield told me, “I decided to play Darius as a high version of myself. And now he’s become all the fantastical elements of Atlanta condensed into one person—this gateway to Freakville.”

Half way through the pilot we find Earn on a bus with his sleeping daughter opening up to a well dressed black man in a suit about feeling like a loser. "Am I just there to make things easier for winners?” he asks.

The man sits listening patiently on this bus seat, all the while making a Nutella sandwich. "Just a symptom of the way things are," he explains to Earn "actual victor belongs to those who simply do not seek failure."

He forces a bite of his chocolate bus sandwich on Earn and then just as quickly disappears, only the tub of Nutella remains.

And abruptly the episode closes where it began, realizing the reason why the first scene was so confusing is only because it was actually the end. None of these characters were lying or being intentionally evasive, rather the drama which opened Atlanta had not yet ensued. And while it is still rather unclear, on some level even the whitest and most sheltered kids (those who can comfortably say the N word around very specific audiences) understand this rhetoric just enough and those who grew up in the trap world of Atlanta could probably write their philosophy dissertations on the scene.

As an audience we continue to ride out their drama into episode two. Conveniently, the coinciding moments of Alfred's arrest and his radio debut have vaulted him to instant fame all while housed in the relatively newsless space of jail.

When Darius comes to bail him out even the cops ask if they can pose for selfies with Paperboi. A beautiful moment of social commentary on race, class and most importantly fame.

Meanwhile, not-famous and mostly useless Earn stays stuck in jail which lends itself to one of the saddest satirical series of scenes I have ever seen. Think Orange Is The New Black but really, really funny or maybe really, really miserable and also just so exactly where any of us (even the more privileged white girls) might end up for a few hours after a really, really bad night.

Fortunately I never have but I will take Atlanta at it's (sur)real(ist) word.

When Earn is told by the guard he cannot sleep he is baffled.

“Everyone sleeps."

To which he is told, "If you wanted to sleep you should have thought about that before you came to jail."

This dysfunction is further magnified by the token insane guy who apparently gets locked up on a near weekly basis. While his absolutely pathological behavior at first prompts laughs from the rest of the men waiting in lock-down they also all just sit there and quietly watch as the guards kick his ass and drag him off to solitary.

To the repeat offenders this is normal behavior.

Earn, like myself seems less comfortable with this violence.

Meanwhile, Alfred due to newfound Paperboi fame is suffering his own violent satire.

On a walk through his projects he sees a kid with a toy gun shooting at his friends. They are playing a game of pretend in which the male child is Paperboi.

Alferd observes this. The kid, through clear admiration of his alter ego pretends to shoot down his little girlfriend. She feigns death just as the children's mother comes out to yell at the children, asserting to these small black bodies that they should "just say no to guns"

Overwhelmed, and clearly experiencing a myriad of emotions from the last 24 hours Al approaches the family and argues to the children that "shooting people ain't cool." At first the mother is stand-offish and annoyed at his presence but once he admits he is the very same rapper whom they are make-believing about the mood shifts. Instantaneous hilarity ensues as she is suddenly very interested in this infamous man. Momma comes on hard posing Al with the family for photographs. She is genuine comic relief "now one with my head on yo chest," she says as she snuggles in. And even Al who was out for a walk to escape the fresh madness his single has suddenly created seems calmed -- his comfort level with being viewed as violent has shifted now that it is getting him some pussy.

Likewise, the mother is now completely comfortable with the children playing “guns”, clearly sending the message that fame and more specifically hip-hop fame excuses violence.

This hypocrisy so clearly mirrors that of the prison guards from earlier and sadly represents America’s reality. If everyone from the single Mothers in the ghetto to the police are down with rappers using guns it must be OK, right? And folks were even remotely shocked by Gambino’s music video which debuted nearly two years later?!

The episode closes when Van finally bails Earn out of jail. It is unsurprising really that it is left on the woman to pull through and protect the men. I find that this aspect of American reality is more often acknowledged in African American and other ethnic popular culture than in white. This is too bad really, as it is a remarkable reality which women are tremendously under-appreciated for. I too have bailed a boyfriend out of jail. I watched him walk out of the police station arms in the air, proud of his day. He also never came with me to Salinas to collect the title of my car which I lost to the county in the bail process (its a complicated when you are only 21 and haven't owned anything or held a job for longer than 2 years).

Appropriately, the credits run to Bill Withers' "Grandma's Hands," subtly noting the importance of the matriarch through a beautiful song. This also solidifies Atlanta's role as one of the best television soundtracks I (the generally music ignoramous) have ever bothered to notice.

As the audience grows more comfortable with the odd (yet perfect) stylings of Atlanta we venture into episode three armed and ready to address poverty as it pertains to immaturity. In real life Donald Glover and I are the same age but somehow he plays Earn much younger. Pop Culture Happy Hour Pod Cast discussed this episode at length, pointing out that the pathetic date Earn organizes to impress Van is actually just a very young man's attempt at romance. They argue that this scene would likely play out quite differently for the couple ten years later. Then again, Glover himself might come back at this this theory; pointing out the story he is trying to represent here is "the trap" and the assumption that the only thing which keeps Earn so completely suffocated by an up-selling, self-serving waiter is time is just a white, educated NPR audience being only marginally clear on the concept. I can see both sides to this particular coin while (as a white, educated NPR listener) also continuing to ascertain that Earn's overall behavior reminds me more of my 20 year old sister’s than my clique of 30-somethings (whom I consider millennials only due to some made-up falsehood of a technicality -- we are very clearly The Oregon Trail Generation).

Anyhow, this frozen-in-time youthfulness (as a means to escape poverty while actually perpetuating it) is already well established in our protagonist and immediately reinforced as the episode itself opens with him ordering a kid's meal at a fast food joint. No dice:

“I Didn’t get title of daytime manager by passing out discounts," the proud black girl behind the counter explains.

He begs for a water cup instead and settles on stealing diet coke from the fountain -- eyeing the hispanic janitor with a daring glance. He walks away in his short shorts in the rain and backpack, emphasizing either his pathetic-ness-- or just child-ness.

And as I so often did 14 years ago in the middle of the day he heads to Alfred's where they smoke blunts and play video games.

OK I didn’t play video games but my productivity level was essentially on par.

And somehow while reliving our own boring youths through this mundane existence of an ordinary day audiences are still terribly entertained.

Darius, our scene stealing, wonderful guru of a roommate irons in his bathrobe, pulling a gun out of a cereal box. "Just so you guy's know there's probably a bullet in here somewhere, “ he warns.

A drug selling story arc evolves between Alfred and Darius which in a more mature moment Earn is wary of due in large part to his cousin’s new-found notoriety (but how else are they supposed to make money?) however, because I am a white girl and the drug story in this episode just gets so fucking dark and also I can only bombard you with so much information I will instead focus in on the terrible date which Earn attempts in hopes to assuage Van's whining about his irresponsible behavior.

No dice

She's wary from the get. Even tries to refuse his invite at first but he begs:

“Can I at least buy you dinner and watch from the other side of the room? I can even get one of those corny ass dudes you like to eat it with you.”

He continues, mocking the guys she likes by mimicking her (always a good strategy when you’re trying to prove you are the preferred choice): “‘I love your energy. Your dreads are in a bun’ “

The two accuse each other of being their own worst black stereotypes.

“I’m in a bed but I’m technically homeless and love it,” she mocks back.

They giggle. Something about their terribly unromantic connection is just so terribly romantic. Or maybe I just really, really like when guys make fun of me?

There's a brief scene involving the gun between Darius and Alfred where Darius solidifies himself as my favorite character, absolutely proving unequivocally that the most simple men are also the wisest. He explains to Alfred that his “assumed perversion of the word daddy stems from his own fear of mortality.” sheer and idiotic genius. An utterly true and hilarious savant.

Meanwhile, the date Earn has finagled is not going according to plan. WIth only $63 in his bank account and promises of a decent happy-hour dashed he is just in a hipster restaurant in a bad neighborhood, springing for a valet, with a date who is luxuriously lapping us each and every ploy from their server to raise their check.

When Earn, trying to lower their overall bill in spite of Van's pricey picks asks for a "Miller High Life in a can," the waitress responds,"ooo we've got a hipster!"

Yes, us educated, white NPR listeners sure as fuck did try to appropriate poverty through the hipster movement, didn’t we?

You can get a $17 trotter hot dog at the bar around the way from my house.

Likewise, Darius and Alfred's drug deal has also gone all wrong. They have been led to the middle of nowhere only to find a gang of black men with chains, drinking Hennessy and hanging out in front of a luxury camper van chilling around a campfire. Here the woods are a stark juxtaposition from their familiar life in the projects and yet the forrest is surprisingly more menacing. Nothing safe about unfamiliarity -- particularly when guns are in the mix. However, even with a tied up guy crying in the corner there is this unshakable element of satire, ever present yet so difficult to explain or maybe even understand. An impending doom of hilarity is the omnipresent mark of all Atlanta scenes.

But just as the episode grows darker and all of our protagonists’ immaturity increasingly complicates their situations the resourcefulness these young men have learned growing up without means also manages to save them.

At the end of the day nobody wins -- and the best laugh is when the homeless guy working as the restaurant’s (off market) valet runs into the fancy restaurant to warn a random white man in an expensive suit that his car is being towed prompting the two polar-opposite gentlemen to race outside in excited collusion. This sudden impromptu camaraderie is just a downright hilarious aside.

But in a true test to it’s sitcom roots, Atlanta holds to the rule that come episode four nothing much is really permissible to change so in spite of tremendous havoc nobody really loses. At the end of the day Earn solves the problem of the expensive date by reporting his debit card stolen and Darius and Alfred don't die.

Maybe even the homeless valet got a tip.

In both a sitcom’s writers room and in the trap, everybody's just trying to survive.

The following episode The Streisand Effect continues this exploration of survival. We peer through the lens into fame and notoriety wondering if success built through any means necessary, driven by the sheer desire to survive can ever really be deemed ethical.

Oddly, the querry reminds me of one tackled by a completely socially unconscious show — the Friend’s episode where Phoebe and Joey argue the existence of truly selfless good deeds in The one where Phoebe hates PBS.

The Streisand Effect centers a similar debate through a racially ambiguous asshole internet "celebrity" (aka troll) who causes an all out twitter feud (which Alfred brings to real life). Meanwhile an interesting story line between Darius and Earn play out as the two explore what one’s existence means when you are truly just surviving pay check to pay check.

There are other episodes I love more and will focus more energy into analyzing but here are a few of the very best, most stand-out lines:

Old bartender: "Guy was Smoking a swisher with no weed. He gave me the creeps."

Darius: "Chinese people short because of Genghis Kahn, look it up!" Earn: "In what? The racism book?"

The aforementioned troll (Zan) to Alfred (who is accusing his internet game of being pretty fucked up): "All a gang, we all just hustling"

Alfred: "I have to rap, I'm making the most of a bad situation." Zan: "You’re exploiting your situation. All of us are exploiting to make money"(hilarious scene ensues with Zan filming a paid child to spout filthy rhymes and deliver pizzas).

And if you are interested, this moment is discussed in greater depth on Fresh Air where, Brian Tyree Henry explains what this trap means to him.

We close with Earn teaching Darius that poor people don't have time for investments they need to eat today. This is a poignant moment where their friendship is solidified, poverty is explored and human nature vs. exploitation is left undecided.

Personally, I tend to agree with both Alfred and Zan’s views of exploitation though admittedly Alfred’s actions are certainly carried with far more integrity.

If you are particularly dense but have made it all the way to episode five, Nobody Beats the Biebs, you will no longer be able to ignore the absurdist tactics this show is employing to fuck with our perceptions of race, appropriation, stereotypes and popular music culture.

The episode takes place mainly within a high school gym at a celebrity basketball fundraiser for Atlanta’s Youth. Paperboi has been invited to participate in the charity game and Earn of course attends as “representation”. Noticing a gorgeous successful news anchor there to cover the event, Alfred ditches Earn and sets off to pursue a date (or at the very least an on-air interview). She immediately staves off both advances, letting him know that she knows him as “the guy who shot someone.” He insists that isn't really who he is and invites her to get to know the real him, "I'll let you interview me someplace real fly like Bennihana," he offers to which she retorts that she and her fan base aren't into the “gangster thing”, and blows him off fairly easily as the commotion of "Justin Bieber's" arrival has distracted the masses.

At first I assumed that Justin Bieber was one of the white guys in this entourage but as a feud ensues between Alfred and JB you realize that in the fantastical world Glover has created Bieber is in fact just black. Or at least appears that way to us. After watching the whole episode I can't definitively pinpoint why Glover created this racial fluidity. Was it a point about racial appropriation, common perceptions and stereotypes? Or was he just trying to fuck with his audiences? I can only assume that most of Glover’s surrealist style is designed to achieve all of the above (and more). Anyway, this Bieber who may be just as black in appearance as Paperboi, is definitely not just one in the same. Other than his outward appearance the Bieber Fever is the same douchey, successful, unapologetic and handsome man I assume him to be in real life (admittedly I know zero about Justin). In Glover’s world though he can pee on the floor in front of everyone and the general opinion of him is not even slightly affected. He is the Golden Boy pervious to social optics and to him (much like to the pretty newsgirl) Paperboi is "a nigga who blew other niggas brains out…” although he adds the operative “cool!" to the end of this statement. As the episode develops Alfred's hatred towards this pop sensation grows and they wage war on the court. Afterward Bieber offers a press conference full of "sincere" apologies for the fight. All really just a marketing ploy for his new song called "Justice," (a title with more irony than I care to unpack here).

Meanwhile, Earn and Darius are also confronted by stereotypes and racial profiling.

Earn encounters a successful music agent who mistakes him for a different black man whom she believes destroyed her career. In an attempt to seek revenge on this man she at first is very kind. She invites Earn into an elite circle of producers it is all very posh and excellent for networking and Earn laps it up, happy to play along with her confusion as long as this woman’s racism serves his needs. The rewards are seemingly high enough that Earn can turn a blind eye, joining a very specific brand of self loathing by embracing the fact that he is participating in one of the most frustrating and oldest stereotypes out there: "all you people look the same.” It isn't until she accuses him of undercutting her and pledges to ruin him that he tells her he is not in fact Alonzo to which she retorts. "I'm going to make sure you die homeless." He certainly seems to be on this path.

Darius' day is equally bizarre and yet also totally conceivable. His storyline is so unique I can't help but marvel over where the inspiration came from. It seems safe to assume it must be rooted in someone’s real life experience. Perhaps a news story that was mostly overlooked? I digress, he paints a dog (which it seems worth noting that in addition to being quite the homemaker Darius is a talented artist and his room is full of these supplies). Darius rolls up his painting and goes to the shooting range where he uses his art for target practice. Harmless enough, right? Not quite, a collective panic ensues. A white man calls Darius “psycho for shooting a dog” and tells him he has to leave, to which Darius explains that “a human target is just as specific as shooting a dog.” Which just seems pretty accurate to me. A Mexican guy joins in the bickering, he points out to the white guy that he shoots at Mexican targets. Stating more truth spurs further anger and an uprising is vowed. Darius tries to explain that dogs in his ‘hood are “fucked up (not cuddly pets)” but the range’s manager interrupts the men’s arguing with a shot gun,

“I told you rules before you got here ain’t gunna let you start no shit” he leads out a very patient Darius.

This scene is so fucked up. Its rhetoric on arbitrary rules and categories is so important while remaining on brand with the show’s satirical edge. It magnifies the fact that the laws of a black man with a gun are so, so different than that of a white man with a gun takes a very different and slightly less sinister spin on the all too familiar police shooting unarmed black men storyline. We also get a close look at how Darius is observed and judged. A recurring theme of Atlanta is the simultaneous invisibility and hyper-visibility of the impoverished and minorities.

The episode ends with Black Bieber's aforementioned ”sincere" apology, explaining he's been trying to be too cool lately which has lead to hanging with the wrong crowd. He offers his new-found commitment to christ and uses autotune to premier his new song, Justice. In the back of the crowd, frustrated and over it Alfred returns to his day’s start and gives picking up the anchor another go. She returns with the lesson we’ve witnessed all of our protagonists scrambling to learn for the past 30 minutes” “let me give you some advice, play your part. People don’t want Justin to be asshole they want you to be asshole. You’re the rapper. That’s your job”

So, in sum this episode features….

Black man kicked out of shooting range

Black man mistaken for other black man

Black rapper unable to escape media’s perceptions of murderer in spite of being recognized as an “Atlanta Celebrity”.

All the while a rich white musician is able to chameleon himself into an infallible black superstar for a bit of extra street cred.

There is a lot to dissect here, but I’ll let an ethnic studies course can take it from here...

Episode 6, aptly titled Value is the first one to really feature Van's story and give women a voice. I was immediately interested to see if a woman took the reigns in the writer's room on this one because even the tone is so different.It didn’t take much digging to find this from Joshua Alston over at the A.V. Club.

“Glover started off strong before a single frame was shot by bringing in staff writer Stefani Robinson to assist on the script, the first to give a writing credit to someone whose last name isn’t Glover. It seems like a little thing, but it makes such a huge difference to know that someone with insights about how black women communicate contributed to an episode that mostly consists of black women communicating and miscommunicating.”

It feels easy to proclaim that the tone employed in Value lacks the humorist sensibilities applied to other episodes but I have to wonder if that’s an oversimplification. Perhaps I just found Van's story so horribly relatable (she seems to have the same dumb (re:bad) luck as myself and the series of unfortunate events which befall her here may just feel less satirical when you’ve felt the hardships yourself? Maybe a black man from the trap in Atlanta wouldn't find other episodes this season as funny as I did? Maybe I'm being sensitive? (Though that doesn't really sound like me to be honest). Or, maybe while very, very good this episode just wasn't meant to punch the gut in the same manner a jokey man-centric 30 minutes does. Maybe Glover isn’t ready to tackle female satire. I'm not sure and it seems like all these assumptions could get me in trouble so in the interest of not putting my foot in my mouth (or pulling a Van) I’ll move on....

This episode centers around the drama which ensues when Van's old friend comes into town. Actually, in this case (as is often true with childhood girlfriends) frenemy is a better term. This gal-pal plays companion to NBA players which subsequently allows her to lead a very posh lifestyle. She is baffled by Van's far more humble life and makes her judgements very clear by stating straight off the bat the following three rather insensitive points:

“Sometimes I wish I had a kid and then I'm like ew, no." (preach sista!)

“Back in the day you would have made fun of yourself for still fucking with Earn.”

and

“Black women have to be valuable. NBA players fuck with me because I provide a service. I am worth it. I am cultured, intelligent...."

the implications here are thick and seem to cut very deep.

Anyway, as a passive aggressive fight inevitably ensues Van's girl does eventually bribe her back into frenemy territory, insisting they make up over a joint. They hotbox the bitch’s fancy-ass car and at first seem to be reliving the good old days but as is apt to happen when you hang out with narcissists (particularly in our social media obsessed times) eventually Van finds herself being forced into snapping pic after pic of her social-climbing friend who is dead set on getting that absolute perfect insta-shot. I have zero patience for this behavior. Actually, every girl who has ever made the mistake of forcing me into this game has quickly fallen out of my good graces.

Ultimately, the mess that ensues for Van because she casually decided to hit a joint a few times with her disaster of an old friend is totally comparable to multiple series of my own disasters. Fortunately for both myself and Van (we’re similarly industrious and independent young women) we do manage to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and move on. But, for a minute suspend your disbelief that I too could create this sort of disaster and let's discuss Van's mess:

She awakens the next morning to a cell phone reminder that today is “drug test day.” This of course prompts an insane rampage as she attempts to figure out where to get “clean urine.” When both Old Friend and Alfred fail her she realizes she has a whole garbage pail full of her baby's diapers. A true renaissance woman Van creates a complicated process to extract the pee and tapes a condom full of her daughter's urine to her own thigh. In a flowy dress she heads off to school (making it clear for the first time that she is an educator of some sort).

The storyline then takes a quick veer from the very normal baby-pee-condom situation prompted by a basketball “prostitute” to a fellow teacher who approaches Van. This woman is beyond frustrated with one of her student’s. A brief aside ensues regarding a black child who has come to school in white face to fuck with his teacher (who is so mad she begs Van to help her deal with him so she "doesn't get arrested for beating his ass,”). It is a sharp return to the previous episode’s discussion of cultural appropriation, reminding viewers how inescapable race wars are for Glover.

Van declines to help her friend, she is on a mission after all. But of course, things don’t quite go as planned. A bit of physical comic relief ensues when she can't untie the condom of pee. She tries to rip things apart with her teeth which of course results in pee spraying everywhere (except of course in the cup for urine sample).

Desperate Van just admits to the principal that she smoked weed.

This is definitely something I would do.

When you’re honest no-one can fault you, right?!

Wrong.

Dissapointed, the principal explains that the county can’t afford quarterly drug tests anyway so after the initial one required for hire the samples aren’t actually sent anywhere.

Of course.

She levels with Van, “everyone smokes weed. The system isn’t made for these kids to succeed and you gotta shake it off somehow. I get it. But unfortunately you’ve admitted your drug use to a government employee and now I have to fire you. To cover my own ass as well as the schools’”

She gives Van a hug and one weeks notice.

Defeated Van, an inexperienced druggie tries to get more weed from Alfred who tells her she's “sloppy as fuck.” Which after the day she has had is just truth.

The episode closes with the same kid still in white face smirking now in Van’s class.

Again, somehow the female battle of race and class explored in this episode feels more sad to me than the male saga we’ve seen play out thus far

The closing shot of the sinister child in white face and my own history is undoubtedly playing into my interpretation. I will admit here that I have two equally stupid stories of being fired for absolutely absurd things that make zero sense. Once for rolling a blunt by request for my boss. A swisher of marijuiana which I didn't smoke and only procured because he asked. Another time a 28 year old woman claimed I was sexually harassing her. In neither case was I truly guilty and yet somehow believed that an overcompensated apology could fix things with the higher-ups. At the end of the day though everyone is just interested in covering their own asses. Again, this probably could be presented far more satirically and at times I am able to give these stories a bitingly funny spin — but not with the regularity one might assume.I suppose what I’m getting at is I know what it's like to essentially be so inexperienced with getting in trouble that you can't tell when to just shut your goddamn mouth. I also think that this assumed guilt is such a female burden. It is a subsequent and frequently overlooked side effect of the ancient historical annals of sexism. Perhaps if we can learn anything from “mansplaining” it is to always just take the position that everyone else just doesn’t get it. But then also just keep our mouths shut.

Episode 7, B.A.N has got to be the most hilarious, perfect, wonderful episode of Glover's premier season (and pretty much of all television of all time). I feel fairly confident saying its everyone's favorite. B.A.N which stands for Black American Network is (simply put) a fictional television episode called Montague; a black spin on a Donahue-esque late night “news” show featuring Alfred as one of it’s guests. The "fake news" premise on this show delves into the complexities of identity in our touchy PC culture and is in its own right more than enough to ensure side gripping hilarity. However, it is the commercials interspersed throughout this episode that really cinch the deal.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The subject of the Montague episode, “how accepted sexuality is affecting black American Youth and Culture” features a panel made up exclusively of Paperboi and the head of “Trans Issues.” Ummmm..... really? I’m already laughing

Alfred is being called out by Montague and asked to explain a comment he made on twitter, quoted by our host as such: “y’all N words said I was weird for not wanting to F word Kaitlyn Jenner."

He is asked if this makes him transphobic? Alfred is complacent, admitting that while he gets what they're saying she (Jenner) just isn't "important to me".

The white trans expert explains Paperboi is coming from a culture of exclusion and power; the black community has issues with power and masculinity more than transphobia. She calls him out on the layer of fluidity in his raps to which he uses the same line he used in response to the challenges posed earlier by the racially ambiguous internet celebrity, Van: "I'm just trying to get paid." The ultimate premise of this show is, after all, escaping the trap life.

Cut to commercial break.

And here is the gold:

Commercial 1: Black guy in a bodega being up-charged for a can of Arizona Iced Tea. The tagline: Arizona: price is on the can.

Commercial 2: A masquerade party filled with fancy black people drinking Mickey's forty ounce bottles out of champagne flutes. Tagline? Mickey’s: You're drinking it wrong.

Yes! This appeals to all my senses. I remember when I was 19 and 40 ounces, Conan O’brien, Swisher Sweets, 7-11 sandwiches and a bit of homework were evening staples.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming:

A Montague correspondent is reporting on scene regarding a “trans-racial” black teenager (I kid you not) who self-identifies as, yes, a 35 year old white man. Ummm..... I hope you’re laughing now too.

As a black teenage boy he had always wondered why he wasn't getting the respect he deserved, "then it hit me,” he tells the reporter, “I'm 35 and I'm white."

Obviously.

We cut to scenes of our trans-racial teenage adult pretending the projects are the suburbs of Colorado.

He explains his Mom just doesn't get it. Cut to her explaining, "I'd love to wake up and say I'm Rhianna but I 'aint"

Which as a white woman I’m going on brand with the appropriation I mentioned earlier and I just have to say: “preach sista!” If I get to come back as anyone in my next life I sure as fuck hope its Rhianna. Sometimes I ask myself what would Rhi Rhi do? and then I remember to just do me.

But I digress, our teen’s response to his mother’s dismissal is to explain that they don't "realize race is just a made up thing" and he doesn't believe in labels. Unwilling to accept this “reality” he is presently working on getting (yes) racial transition surgery while also stopping trying to convince others he's not "us". Ummm....

Rather than argue he tries to show his community he is not one of them by doing incredibly stand-up white male things like turning black guys into the cops.

This episode came out years before the recent onslaught of social media documenting black people having cops called on them for doing very questionable things like sleeping in their own dorms but I still challenge you not to be laughing hysterically by this point.

As great as this storyline is though, who can complain when it's time to return to commercials?

First up a commercial break for Swisher Sweets (looks like I too was a trans-racial teenager). In the commercial all the actors are emptying the guts of their swishers to enjoy in between filming sets. Duh.

Quickly though, I want to admit that I am not doing this insanely perfect 30 minutes of remarkability justice —please watch! In the meantime though I return to Montague’s panel….

Paperboi admits to the audience he is afraid of being persecuted by the audience and does not feel comfortable speaking his mind. Our female white expert accuses him of being unable to have intelligent dialogue without spewing profanity (proving his point, of course). Montague continues by asking Al if he hates trans people because of his lack of a father.

If your head is spinning and you’re feeling ready to throw down you aren’t alone but Alfred handles the insanity with unbelievable levels of eloquence. He explains, ”It is hard for me to care about this because no one cares about me as a black man. Kaitlyn Jenner is just doing what white men have done since the dawn of time which is whatever the hell they want. Why should I care?"

He goes on to question where the tolerance is for him?

And yes, this is the crux of it.

It is far easier to speak out against intolerance when you are privileged.

The white expert agrees with his point but as is talk show nature Montague keeps egging for the drama.

All getting a little too real? No worries, we have a commercial to lighten the emotions.

Or is it just more sad truth?

First up we have a commercial reminiscent of the 1-800-psychic infomercials of my youth. A perfect example of selling an ideal to the impoverished rather than a reality, and media assumingThe poor are an easy target as they are so desperate for a solution out of poverty they can easily be taken advantage of. Sadly, gullible.

Or maybe it is me that’s sad and I just don't believe in magic-- perhaps my cynicism is the problem?

A man (I believe the same guy from the bus in episode one) is offering us “the answers we deserve.” He goes on to talk about chakras and crystals and the power to make his customers rich.

"Call now and you get a free juice and Nutella sandwich" he proclaims.

And now I'm even more in love with this episode.

Cut to a Dodge Charger commercial concerning divorce settlements which is too complex to describe but also totally accurate and finally the episode’s piece de resistance -- a fully animated Coco Cruncherz commercial with a “black Trix bunny" being beaten up by a cop because he is trying to steal the kid's sugary morning treat (which is of course just for kids). As the kids plead with the cop to stop he argues that age old tag line Coco Cruncherz is for kids -- harking again back to my youth and Saturday morning cartoon days when the innocent commercials with a rabbit stealing breakfast was not nearly as menacing (or realistic).

And just like that with a seemingly sweet cartoon we have jumped the line from dangerously sinister satire to downright sadness. Nobody wants to see a cartoon cop beat the shit out of a black cartoon bunny especially in front of a bunch of cartoon kids.

And yet its still so funny and important.

Close commercials and we circle back to our black teen dressed like a white man. Alfred can't stop laughing at him "You look like Fellon Degeneres!"

But don’t feel sorry for this misunderstood teen to soon. When the trans expert welcomes him, the kid uses his new platform to spew his own stereotypes, explaining that marriage is meant for a man and woman and men can't turn into women. So while he believes in racial fluidity he is totally close-minded to gender fluidity.

Obviously.

This episode and how it speaks to acceptance of other cultures is fantastic but the commercials and the garbage peddled to lower classes and minorities specifically is crucial. If I was an American Studies High School teacher I think I could develop an entire semester’s worth of curriculum on these 20 minutes.

Episode eight, The Club features our motley crew at a club and clearly miserable about it. As a woman whose personal anthem is George Thorogood and the Destroyers I Drink Alone I couldn't possibly find this more relatable. The only reason why Alfred, Earn and Darius are even at the club in the first place is because Paperboi is being paid for the appearance.

Since I’ve already managed to drone on for close to 10,000 words and supplied an overwhelming amount of both series and personal anecdotes, for this episode briefing I’ll do my best to just take a moment or two for a quick review of a few standout moments and trust that you, dear reader, now have obtained a certain level of Sylvie’s Mind Mastery to elaborate on the now all too predictable consensus: this episode is just as fabulously funny, sad, complicated and littered with omnipresent issues of social status as the next.

And now in side-splitting surrealist summation:

Earn on the dance floor with subtitles for his thoughts: "somebody smells like Wendy's Double Stack.

Darius showing the crew instagrams of a famous guy in the ‘hood who has a very fancy invisible car. Noteworthy: I thought Darius was just gullible at first but I clearly underestimated Glover’s dedication to metaphor. If you’re still confused by media’s dark comedy, magical realism, social commentaries on race (a new and now thanks in large part to Glover a very dominant genre) don't worry so am I.

Earn gets drunk enough to feel powerful and demand the money owed from the owner for Alfred's appearance and subsequently vomits all over him (sounds about right).

Darius has trouble getting through security after he steps out momentarily to blaze. Rather than put up too much of a fight he goes home to eat cereal and play video games (I'm pretty sure we will get married in season 3).

Alfred and Earn go to beat up the club owner for trying to rip them off (by now vomit free). After the boys finally obtain what they are rightfully owed they leave the club, at last drunk enough to be in a decent mood. While laughing and talking about getting food they are startled by gun fire. People start to run but most of the crowd is maimed anyway as a man seated seemingly on nothing floats by (in an invisible car, clearly) and mows down the crowd.

This is so complex -- Donald Glover has completely lost me and yet I am obsessively curious. What does this mean? What does it say about our culture? Did he just think it was funny? Does the invisibility represent the utter bullshit of an expensive car? It must somehow tie back to status and violence but what is he saying exactly? I’m wary to even venture a guess.

Either way, The boys escape to Waffle House for a post mortem with Darius. The men are still drunk and laughing, moods still surprisingly upbeat though if you know anything about Southern Culture the very fact that this restaurant is still serving speaks volumes of the gravity (or lack thereof) of the violent incident. Things shift toward somber though as the local news streams through in the back ground. A story reporting the incident clearly lays suspected blame on Paperboi.

"Fuck the club," says Alfred.

Indeed.

Last year Juneteenth was finally brought into the average modern white person's rhetoric through a "holiday special" for the masses from the very funny (and carefully cultivated to expand mainstream America's mind) Blackish.

Atlanta's take on the holiday is of course slightly more subversive. Certainly due to its non-network and later time slot it is more carefree and able to cater less to the masses. Nonetheless, I am certain that Atlanta’s episode managed to bring a bit of awareness even if the show -- unlike Blackish -- made zero attempts to educate the ignorant on what Juneteenth is exactly. It doesn’t matter though, because well... Wikipedia... Glover is smart to assume that his audience is woke enough to use their pricey smartphones to look up whatever they don't already know. Maybe I should learn to employ a similar tactic.

Anyway, on Juneteenth Earn leisurely wakes and bakes in some random girls' bed. When his alarm goes off he is rushed into reality, panics and dashes out. Cut to him and Van in the car where she is very unimpressed that he is stoned which plays out in a passive aggressive fight over the automatic windows in her car. Although we don't know where they are going or why, it is made quite clear that this is an important outing for Van, and that Earn is complicity playing along basically because they have a child together.

They arrive at a fancy house, with a fancy valet and a fancy black woman named Monique answers the door. "happy Juneteenth," she proclaims and then proceeds to humble brag her home "we have so many bathrooms!”

Her white husband Craig makes a grand entrance also proclaiming "happy freedom day."

This is already a very strange party.

Earn retreats for drinks which he orders from a very condescending bartender in an African print bow tie.

"Emancipation Eggnog?" asks Earn "It's June!"

To which the Bartender replies "nigga do I have to explain alliteration to you?!"

Earn takes his beverage and wanders through the looming home finding the white husband, Craig’s office does nothing to alleviate the strangeness. The room is full of black art which Craig painted based on one of his favorite Malcolm X quotes. He explains to Earn that black musical artists are a product for white American consumption and appropriation. He pours them some Hennessy and is baffled that Earn hasn't been to Africa and also does not know where exactly he is from.

Just a side note all this has inspired my own bit of spinoff commercial satire: We all know by now that gene testing companies can provide a great deal of knowledge for White Europeans but usually lack the same insight into an African person’s roots and thusly all their televised advertising features a white person drinking whiskey in the Irish pub of their forefathers or celebrating an ancestors Viking victory. I think it’s high time someone (Preferably Glover and not me because I’m clearly far busier) wrote a commercial with a black person talking about the slave ship he learned his great great grandmother was shackle on etc etc.

Anyhow, Craig employs a specific style of appropriation (seemingly bred from his own white insecurity and guilt rather than ignorance or hate) to black shame the unassuming young man he has invited to drink in his home.

Earn retreats, whispering to Van that the party feels "very eyes wide shut." (Which I myself hadn't yet noticed but once brought to the periphery realize could not be more accurate). Frustrated that Earn hasn't embraced her thing she asks him to “just once pretend that they aren't who they are so he doesn't blow this opportunity” for her.

He responds by bringing on what I’d like to classify as his very best "douche" (I know , I know, this is not the PC term) in order to impress the "very cultural" uptight, wealthy black people this party is full of.

Van seems to be binge drinking which, as is apt to happen eventually leads to a retreat for a bit of an overwhelmed bathroom cry.

Afterward she winds up outside with Monique who finally starts to reveal actual elements of her own humanity. "You don't think I know how crazy my husband is? Treating black people like a hobby?" And there it is — the thing I have been grappling with as I’ve attempted to blog this season of Atlanta over the course of a three-plus month period. At the end of the day it is safe to assume that the best I can really do is just repeat their story and really I have no shot at successful analyzation. Craig’s overwhelming analyzation is enough.

Van asks Monique if she wishes she had someone to confide in to which Monique responds with this equally telling quote. "It is redundant to be both black and sorry in the world."

With nowhere else to go they return to the party to find Craig performing a poetry slam on Jim Crow in front of his black guests’ and this is when shit hits the fan....

The party’s crew of valets find Earn and attempt to give him their sister's underwear to pass on to Paperboi (I can't even begin to understand why a brother would agree to this for his sister and I refuse to believe my ignorance is cultural). The gesture may be gross but it is relevant to this story's evolution because they have outed Earn as Paperboi’s “manager.” Monique's husband increases the awkwardness by bringing up the shooting. Oddly if memory serves this is the first time since episode two that the series opening incident has been directly referenced. Or maybe it isn't weird at all, maybe the whole point of this surreal show is nothing can be taken seriously enough to carry over to the next episode. Isn’t that the rule of thumb for sitcoms anyhow? Needless to say for the time being the fact that Earn is somebody and not the nobody Monique had assumed seems to make her quite uncomfortable to which Earn responds with spite. Fed up by a full day of clear hypocrisy he proclaims the very real observation that “this is all wack, its not real life and they are all dumb.”

Van rather emotionless attempts to drag her partner away, making it clear she knew this all along.

“Stop stunning on me about culture,” Earn shouts. “I’m not going to go back to Africa to discover my roots cuz I’m fucking broke. Stop being so black-able!”

We cut to Earn driving home. He promises Van (with eyes closed next to him) to call Monique in the morning to apologize.

Van opens her eyes demands he pull over and when he does she climbs on top of her man and starts banging him right there in the drivers' seat. In spite of it all they are young, have a baby and I think most importantly she is more attracted to his authenticity than the party's grandeur and faux behavior. The screen zooms out on the lovers in the middle of nowhere with the haunting lyrics of Chain Gang from Sam Cook and nothing seems so well earned and genuine than the freedom these two young black humans have to express their complicated love outdoors in Atlanta in June. Or maybe I'm just being romantic. So far as I know no one is actually allowed to have sex in their cars outside of their own garage.

The season finale like many episodes starts with Earn waking up in someone else’s home. While this is a recurring start I somehow missed the trend until now. Perhaps that is attributable to the fact that our finale stresses the relevance of Earn’s homelessness. In this scene he is uncomfortably situated in a bean bag chair and being chastised for fucking up whomever's house he has crashed at.

“Where's my jacket?" Earn manages to ask a few times but the homeowner is too distracted with the destruction Earn has caused. So Earn leaves and calls Alfred who also has no idea where the jacket is. This is clearly a bummer for Earn but great news on my end. The missing clothing means we have some 20 odd minutes ahead to enjoy Earn retracing the steps of a wasted night. This is a plot premise I have adored ever since Ashton Kutcher spoke to my very sensible 17-year-old- stoner- humor in Dude Where's My Car. I haven't watched the film in years and I know it gets a bad rap but I'd be hard pressed to believe that it doesn't stand the test of time. Since this is Atlanta though the surrealism is even more omnipresent than similar story arcs.

As Earn travels through his home-town (True to its name Atlanta has remained one of the most crucial characters throughout the season) he notices that everyone is dressed as cows. He asks a stranger why the costumes "Free chicken sandwich day nigga,” he’s told

Duh.

So Earn gets his sandwich and in true Dude form heads to the strip club to see if his jacket might be there. Maybe Glover was also a fan of this fine film— we are the same age after all.

A wonderfully awkward and funny scene ensues where Earn tries to describe one stripper who might have his jacket to another stripper.

Largely unsuccessful (how does one describe one generic stripper to another?) the girl is more preoccupied anyhow, her focus being on getting herself cast in a Paperboi video.

Defeated, he defers to last night’s snapchat stories to recall where he went next. Had this technology existed 15 years ago maybe the Dudes also could have found their cars in 27 minutes.

Frustrated by his snaps, Earn instead goes to chastise Alfred for his inappropriate "stories" but Al explains social media is important work. "Rappers make money on appearances" to which Earn reaffirms it is a bad idea.

Darius chimes in "That's black people's number one problem, they don't know how to have fun."

"I don't think that's our number one problem," Earn says to which I laugh out loud.

And then I laugh again just reading my notes on this episode. And then again during editing. I am proud of Earn for this comment. For the most part he tends to be slower than his buddies when it comes to off the cuff quips.

In a stalemate, Earn defers to ridesharing apps. And even though I'm pretty sure Uber does not actually work this way Alfred is able to call last night's car to try to locate Earn's jacket. Yes, this affirms it, late 90's technology or the lack there of is the only thing that made Dude realistic (to which of course I understand it still wasn't at all but... y'know....).

Alfred agrees to pay the 50 dollars the Uber driver demands for the chore but is annoyed that he is back to bailing out his cousin. They sit in the car stoned and discuss Jamaican food in a relatable way that will make any stoner smile.

Then something big finally happens for Alfred. Something that could carry over to season 2 or slide into another dream like fantasy never to be mentioned again (both viable options given the strikingly realistic and terribly fantastical world Atlanta has created). Earn gets a call from a famous rapper, Senator K, requesting Paperboi open for his upcoming tour

But before they can get too excited Alfred says "something here is off" and tries to bail. Just then an undercover van pulls the group over.

The group of black men are then patted down for seemingly no reason and asked if they are tring to purchase illegal things from the driver.

Just a jacket they claim.

A small chase scene ensues and the Uber driver is shot down.

And now there is a dead man wearing Earn's jacket.

Earn looks devastated he tells the cops he left something “in there. Can they check the pockets?”

No dice.

So Alfred tries to cheer him up, gives him a roll of cash -- his 5% on the tour deal, affirms that Earn finally “did good.”

But Earn just awkwardly walks away, defaulting to his defeated little kid look in his short shorts and his backpack. He Stops briefly to dump a rock out of his shoe and then goes to Van's and cooks a family dinner. It is a brief sweet moment, interrupted by a friend stopping by to drop off Earn's key. "I've been looking for this all day." he tells him. The proverbial “car” has been retrieved.

Finally at ease Earn and Van retreat to the couch where he gives her the roll of cash. He really does want to support her. There is another sweet moment as the two lie on the couch laughing at how bad of a drug dealer he would be and she asks him to stay but again like a kid he and his back pack leave.

There is something sweet and promising here. A rarity in this funny but often self-defeating show.

Rather than use his friends and family Earn steps out— finally on his own for the night.

He goes to a storage unit and opens it with the key he spent the day looking for. We finally see that Earn is not entirely without a home. This lonely unit with a couch is what he has and clearly why he is consistently waking in other people's spaces. He takes off his shoe, and we realize he wasn't dumping a rock at all but using his sneaker as a bank. No matter, weather shaking out a pebble or stocking cash taking his shoe off in the street earlier must have been Earn’s first sense of relief this season.

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decoding1432 · 7 years

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Parents & Friends

Some stans have picked sides due to the parent’s behaviour on SM. Just the way some reflect all the hate collected from other stans onto the girls, it’s the same deal when it comes to their parents. Due to the fact that certain people can’t stand them, they decide to whether unstan or throw shit at the girls for it.

If you don’t think all these subtle shade going on is done with a purpose, try to give it a second thought.

The thing with this whole “shading” is that we've got two viewpoints:

From Camila’s side we saw how her parents stopped acknowledging the group & this happened since the fighting days. Now, let's put ourselves in the Cabellos’ shoes for a moment:

Imagine one day your daughter & her bandmates are played such a dirty trick & they cut communication. (Yes, I still believe this is how all went down). Anyway back to our scenario, now thanks to this they are not on speaking terms anymore. Your daughter releases her first solo project. It's important for her. However the people pulling the group strings are setting her in a very dark position. They are painting her in a very negative light in front of her fans.

Around those days, you log into your Twitter account several times & you see one fan turns against her. But as time passes by that one “fan” multiplicates & turns into 10 more haters. Then 50, then 100 & so it goes on & on. The situation worsens. Now, your daughter starts receiving hateful tweets 24/7. Your daughter starts getting sick. Her mental health state is seriously compromised but the people behind her career are doing nothing to help the situation, in fact they are making it more toxic for her. The issue with her bandmates is still not solved. The haters seem unstoppable at this point… Your daughter is mentally exhausted to a point where she describes her anxieties having anxieties.

That continues for a year. Along the way your daughter & her bandmates rekindled their bond. But it’s not all bright again since they must not give that away on camera. Another thing to add is that her bandmates are told not to defend her on SM to make the haters cease. Tell me are you happy with the brand & the poisonous environment they created around your daughter? The answer is obvious.

Let’s take a look at 5H’s angle. The way I see it, you’re a 40-50 year old & you spend your days bashing a 20 year old through Twitter... immaturity at its finest, right?

The tricky aspect here is that the parents’ wishes contradict their actions.

E.g. The parents want hatred to stop. Some like Mama Dre have expressed it & also it’s not even necessary to have this captured on a tweet to understand. Anyhow, they want the hate to cease but they encourage haters with their comments? Logic 2+2= potato

Now, personally the moment Mike started being shady that seemed fishy af to me. We’re talking about the same person that liked C’s departure letter (apparently he unliked it a little after, not really sure). Anyway, even if he didn’t, he was always all about the five girls & one of the non-problematic ones before the mess started unraveling. It makes sense that they started using him, not only to cut all ties with Camren but to influence the stans more strongly as well.

I asked lawyerlarry if this has happened with their boys, using their relatives to mold or push the narrative. This was her answer:

Since we don’t know what type of contract the girls are under we can’t know for sure if the parents are completely obligated. However one thing is for sure, clearly as a parent you’re going to want the best for your kid.

I’m bringing back some points I’ve written about this same subject in a past masterpost…

TV anon: “The thing about the parents is that THEY ARE PARENTS so they are gonna be protective and going to support their child 100%. Now, the moment the girls became legal, the parents are off negotiations or meetings so the only thing they know is what their daughters told them (and we don’t know how restrictive the contract is or even if the girls go and spill full deets to their parents) and you are right, their behavior is very contradictory, even from parents of the same child. Example, Lauren’s parents. Her dad it’s super supportive of the 5 of them and her mom is really over the top, to be honest lol. I have seen them throwing shade and then talking about supporting the 5 of them so maybe the shade is for the label. Or at some point it was for Camila but then they got informed and realized the situation, who knows. Let’s not forget, they don’t belong to the industry so they don’t know how to handle situations like these. Such as their children, they are too emotional. The parents and friends subject is tricky, cause who knows how much they know/or don’t know.”

Every single time I get worried I might be overthinking I return to the question told above: If they know they are only worsening their situation & attracting more toxicity toward their daughters why would they continue with this childish behaviour? Also the girls are not stupid, cause even if these were truly their parents’ actions don’t doubt they wouldn’t stop them.

Once more, this applies to their parents. When it comes to other relatives like Leilani, we're completely unaware of how close she's or not with Dinah, let alone the rest of the girls. She could be throwing shade in order to help them or simply she’s an attention seeker. For all we know a) she could have been told an alternate story along the way b) she is acquainted with only a very small part of the truth c) nothing at all & she knows just as much as we do.

When it comes to friends, let alone not their closest friends, we can coincide that they surely don’t know the story from head to toe but since they’re familiar with the girls at a certain extent they claim to for the sake of rts & attention. Dealing with the parents topic is ambiguous. “I think the parents ought to know everything, don’t fool yourself, why would the girls keep things from them?” Believe it or not, there’s always possibility. Here I consider a list of reasons why it COULD be true:

TV anon couldn’t have said it better…

When the girls became legal, procedures & regulations on the entertainment business gave a 180 degrees turn.

Non-disclosure agreements are a common thing in the industry.

Thus far none of the girls has shaded each other. Although, other people have accomplished a fraction of this “dirty work” for them. Such as friends, crew team members, & their parents. What I’ve caught on this culmination of “bitterness” is that it’s quite contradictory. To elaborate: Lucy shaded Camila around two or three weeks later by liking one IG post that was referring to C as “Canola”. What I found funny is how less than a month before, Lucy literally appeared on Dinah’s livestream hanging with her & Camila at their bus.

When I wrote that, the BB 5H issue hadn’t come out yet. Also these past few days, Lucy has publicly shown her support for Camila on SM. Also let’s add, she isn’t the only connection from Lauren that’s been doing this lately...

Now, some of LAND’s friends have publicly supported C. To me, it hints at the bigger picture that the ladies are in good terms. Some of you might disagree, maybe you consider they’re not friends any longer. Fine that’s your POV, but I don’t share that perspective. Not because I refuse to let go OT5 or anything remotely similar, but like I’ve said numerous times before, the fact that the girls knew about C leaving since 2015 & all the moments we had along 2016 I consider it a sign that they were able to somewhat fix whatever issues they had a year before.

Even if you agree or not with me on their current friendship status, you can’t deny the following: LAND doesn’t speak badly about Camila bts unlike what media wants to make us believe.

(Fun fact: Josh liked the following two days after the split announcement)

Enough with Josh (he stans Camila hard lol) Let’s check the rest of their friends...

I would insert here the videos of Simone & Sydney jamming to CITC, unfortunately I couldn’t download them but that doesn’t me we must not take them into account as well.

Next one might not be recent but reminder that Normani wrote as part of those thoughts: “I have love and respect for all four of my bandmates whether you choose to believe it or not” “I have to address foolishness manufactured by those that have absolutely no idea what goes on” “For those who enjoy speculating and creating drama that doesn’t exist, please keep in mind that myself and the other girls in the group are PEOPLE” etc...

Out of all their friends or people they’ve worked with, in my opinion, when Angie (their temporary guitarist after Ashlee left) commented on C’s IG post is the one proof that I would take over any of the above to pinpoint that THIS...

...doesn’t reflect any of THIS...

In conclusion, I believe that the relatives & some friends are attempting to help the girls as much as they can. I repeat, it’s uncertain how much the girls are allowed to tell them. But some things are undeniably true... They (parents & friends) know how fucked up this business is, they have seen how much the 5 ladies have struggled in these past years. If there’s something they can’t do, is stop this madness. They can’t break the system, they can’t protect them from this industry. But they can try to fulfill part of the “dirty work”, otherwise I’m sure it would have to come directly from the girls. Don’t judge them, they are willing to do anything if it means taking some of the burden off of the girls’ shoulders. How do I know this latter? Cause I might only be a fan but I would do it too.

Question: if you had a friend or a relative in they industry, would you doubt putting yourself in the spotlight for a second in order to give them a hand?

P.S. Alejandro liked Clara’s “shady” tweet that was supposedly aimed at Camila.

#sorry if it took too long but i've been trying to put my life in order #hope you enjoyed it #next time you choose to call out their parents think about how much they love their kids

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jeanboehm · 4 years

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How I’m Blogging During Quantine

Now that I am two months into quarantine I feel comfortable sharing how I have chosen to approach my blog and social media during this intense time in the world.

I’m not going to lie, in the beginning of our quarantine I went on total autopilot. As someone who functions well under intense stress and anxiety, I immediately started posting about how we are giving back to others during this time. Grant and I started being extra silly on camera by dancing and started to really peel back the layers of our lives to let others in. But then I got sad. Really, really sad. I didn’t want to post. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I shared my experience with others.

A few weeks went by and I witnessed bloggers make some pretty tragic mistakes with their accounts. It was quite disheartening to see articles begin to circulate about how the influencer and blogging industry was going to die as a result of COVID-19 (all just because of a few confused apples). With each article that was released, I became more and more frustrated. Do you know how many times, how many years and how many comments I have heard “the blogging industry is dying?”

I’ve been blogging for over 7 years and I can tell you one thing: This industry isn’t going anywhere.

I actually believe it’s quite the opposite. Many of us are seeing an exceptional increase in engagement, an increase in comments and likes and an increase in overall impressions. Now more than ever, people want to feel connected to someone or something. I took a very close look at the type of content we were creating and turned inward to reflect on how my work was making me feel. I decided to go all in on creating the type of content that made me feel great. Because if I don’t feel great creating it, then how can I expect anyone to feel good reading or following along?

1. Leaning In To Reality

Rather than fighting against the grain of what it means to have a perfectly curated feed or website, I consciously decided to let my guard down. I leaned in to more mirror selfies which was something I had previously reserved for a once a week occurrence. I also truly let my guard down and showed snapshots with zero make-up on, day after day after day. I shared outfits that weren’t 100% style-worthy and little moments with June. I also opened up on days that I wasn’t feeling optimistic or hopeful. I posted on days that I felt sad. I posted on days that I felt happy {and still do}. The interesting thing is that so many of you wrote in on those days sharing that you were experiencing similar emotions. Even on days where I couldn’t quite pinpoint my exact reason for anxiety or sadness, I felt it.

Quickly I learned that we are all experiencing a collective energy that is rooted in grief.

2. Have a Purpose

If you have millions of monthly readers who visit your blog, social media platforms or any other type of audience who is interested in hearing your voice, then you better use that voice for a reason. Now more than ever have I found it absolutely imperative to have some sort of charitable element be a major part of Damsel in Dior. We decided to donate 50% of our commissions to Baby2Baby and I also set up a GoFundMe for my friend Amanda Kloots.

3. Adjust the Sails with Consistency

While I knew we had to adjust our posting ever so slightly, I also knew it was absolutely vital to stay in tune with the Damsel aesthetic and voice during this time.

People want someone they can trust and a voice that is consistent and reliable.

It is so important that our posting cadence always remain very consistent with a steady schedule of posts going up each day on all platforms. I saw a few people on Instagram dramatically shift their posting schedules. I watched as they started using various filters, posting different quotes and wild outfits. Their followers slowly declined and readership dwindled. It was quite sad to witness because I knew in my heart that the only reason they felt confused was for personal reasons. But it also taught me a very valuable lesson: What I do for work is WORK. While we share our personal lives with you guys 24/7 I also need to remind myself that my work doesn’t just mean something to us, it means something to others who tune in each day. I don’t want to let those people down.