#turn based stuff? i can take however the fuck long i need to process shit

[southern--downpour]

sorry abt the sudden honkai posting but this game has taken my brain hostage for the time being

[ms-demeanor]

Stressed Computer Anon:

Hi friend!

You’ve actually given me the idea for a very helpful book I want to write but it’s pretty clear you’re not going to be okay waiting that long so here’s a very, very basic primer for people in similar situations

SO YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING CYBERSTALKED

If you’re worried about being tracked online by people who have somehow accessed your computer or phone and/or you’re worried about your computer being taken over FEAR NOT! This is VERY fixable!

So the thing is the only way that people can track you like this is by having some kind of network access to your devices. I can’t track your cellphone if it isn’t connected to the cell network (at least not without a pretty serious amount of legwork and a warrant) and I can’t track your computer if it’s not connected to the internet.

The absolute easiest, fastest, most guaranteed way to fix this problem is by disconnecting all your devices. I know that doesn’t seem great because what’s the point of having the devices if they’re not going to be connected, but don’t worry you’ll get this settled and get back online eventually.

What you are going to do FIRST is get on a device that you’ve never used before, get on a computer or phone network you’ve never used before, and you’re going to change your passwords. While you’re at it you may want to get yourself set up with a password manager. Here’s a step by step of the ideal way this would work:

Go to someplace with public-ish computers where you can use the computers for a while (school or public library works well)

Open up a private session of whatever browser is installed on that computer

Create a protonmail email account

Log in to each of your online accounts, change the recovery email to the protonmail account, and reset the passwords

(do the rest of the stuff that i’m going to tell you about)

Install a password manager AFTER you’ve sanitized your network and change all your passwords AGAIN using the password manager generated passwords.

Once you have reset all your passwords (steps 1-3) it is time to sanitize your network and your extant devices.

Start by doing a backup of your phone and your computer. This is a FILE BACKUP ONLY, you DO NOT want to restore from backup.

Make sure you’ve got the manufacturer installation discs and activation keys for any software that you have on your computer (or the online equivalent - you don’t use a disc to install MS office these days, you use a Microsoft account and you should have already changed your password for that) because you are going to have to REINSTALL your computer. This means you ALSO need an installation disc for your operating system.

Connect to your router and change the password, select the most secure security settings you router allows.

Reinstall your operating system on your computer and factory reset your phone (make sure you’ve written down all your contacts and saved all the files on your computer or phone to an external device because you will lose them with the reset/reinstall).

(Windows, Mac, Android, iOS)

Make sure that the only things you plug into your computer are things you’ve purchased - remove all wireless dongles for mice or keyboards, make sure the chargers for your phones are all ones that you’ve purchased and not any that were given to you, and only plug stuff back in if you’re 100% sure you know what it goes to.

AFTER REINSTALL/RESET TURN OFF ALL THE WEIRD WIRELESS CONNECTIONS YOUR PHONE AND COMPUTER MAKE. Turn off bluetooth, turn off network discoverability, turn off anything that lets shit talk to your computer or phone.

(This will break/disable things like smart speakers, activity trackers, and a bunch of other IoT tech. If you’re paranoid enough to be doing all of this stuff you should NOT be using those things anyway)

Once you’ve reinstalled your OS on your computer go online and set yourself up with a VPN. If you are feeling EXCEPTIONALLY paranoid you can do this using a mobile hotspot instead of your internet connection. Also if you are feeling exceptionally paranoid you can encrypt your devices.

Now that your traffic is encrypted go back into your router settings and reset your password again. You may want to consider purchasing a better/more secure router or one that has an included VPN (from that list I like the Synology router).

Since at this point your computer should be pretty much completely taken care of you can follow the steps in my other post on the issue to secure your phone.

At this point if you connect to the internet through a secured router and a vpn, and if you are using a VPN on the phone and don’t have any weird mystery apps installed and have shut down app permissions, and if you’re doing all of that carefully and well and you’ve changed all your passwords a couple times, nobody should reasonably be able to snoop your traffic.

That isn’t to say I’d consider this setup safe to plot against the government or anything or to prevent a subpoena to your wireless provider if someone filed one, but for the average weirdo on the internet who wants to creep on your traffic you’ve pretty much locked them out.

After that be careful about what you post online (because a SHOCKING amount of what people think has come from someone spying on their network is actually just stuff that’s reasonably extrapolated from your socials) and if someone approaches you in person about your online activities don’t be alone with that person and publicly challenge them about what they’re saying (maybe take a video of them and post that online). Also do not allow other people physical access to your phone, computer, or router.

Based on the descriptions you’ve given me in your asks it seems reasonably possible that you’re experiencing some upsetting coincidences and that nothing is happening, but there’s also a possibility that someone is remotely accessing your computer. If so, doing everything that I’ve described will close off their access.

If you continue to have these upsetting experiences after going through all of these steps I’d say to have a conversation with a reasonable friend and get a reality check. Unfortunately people are often very scared of computers and because they don’t understand them sometimes innocuous things can be upsetting.

There have been several people who have visited our hacker meetups over the years to beg us to stop the hackers attacking them when there is nobody attacking them or they’ve got things set up in such a way that it would be impossible to do what they think is happening. Fixating on the belief that you’re being attacked and tracked can be very upsetting and can make you more likely to misinterpret nonthreatening happenstance as a cohesive and intentional plan.

I’m not saying that’s what’s happening to you, your circumstance is in a gray area where I don’t want to tell you that someone is watching you and you should be paranoid because that’s not what it sounds like, but the things you’re describing reasonably COULD be because of intruders on your computer so there’s no harm in hardening your network. HOWEVER if you DO harden your network and that doesn’t make you feel any better it’s time to ask for some assistance from people in your life.

IN GENERAL to avoid having people remotely access your computer you should:

Make sure that you are very cautious about what programs you install

Do not open unexpected email attachments and do not click on mystery links

Use unique passwords across your accounts

Do not allow people physical access to your devices

Use encryption on your web traffic through a VPN or a secured router

Do not grant people permission to access your computer or allow people to talk you through the process of setting up access for them (so if someone calls from “microsoft” and says they need access to your computer to fix it just hang up)

Use a strong antivirus program

And in general if you think that something FUCKING WEIRD is going on with your computer you should

document every instance of it being fucking weird

take a photo or video of the fucking weird thing on your phone

think about what someone has to gain by accessing your system

think about the ways that someone could plausibly access your system

check in with someone who knows more about computers than you do (like me - this is the right thing to do! and similarly the people who come to the hacker meetups are doing the right thing! But it’s important to listen to these folks and learn from the conversation instead of dismissing the information they give you - that “what do they gain” question applies here too. I have nothing to gain by misleading you, so it’s very unlikely that I’m lying to you)

And in your life in general:

If you’re scared about something you should ask questions and learn more. Everything is much less scary when you know how to fix it or are able to identify the source of a problem. This is true for computers, it’s true for auto repair, it’s true for plumbing.

So I’m really glad you asked, and good luck. I hope this helps.

[drabbles-mc]

I Like Me Better

Nestor Oceteva x F!Reader

Request from Anon: Hi! If you’re doing requests can I get a short fic based on the song I like me better by Lauv with Nestor🥺

Part 2 can be found Here

Warnings: language, lots of softness and pining

Word Count: 3.5k

A/N: (I know I’ve posted this story like 5 times today alone. So sorry to everyone who has been getting bombarded with it while I figure out my posting/tagging issues. Love y’all and I owe you xo) This story definitely took on a life of its own once I sat down and started writing it. I love me some Soft Nestor and the whole “almost relationship” type of deal. Hope you enjoy!

General Mayans Taglist: @mayans-sauce​ @thesandbeneathmytoes​ @paintballkid711​ @tomhardydallasstarsgirl​ @queenbeered​ @sillygoose6969​ @sesamepancakes​ @yourwonkywriter​ @chibsytelford​ @gemini0410​ @multiyfandomgirl40​ @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead​  @plentyoffandoms @georgiaaintnopeach​ @twistnet​ @garbinge​ @themoonandthewicked​ @bucky-iss-bae​ @encounterthepast​ @everyhowlmarksthedead​ @rosieposie0624​ @mylittlelonelyappreciationtoo​ @mijop​ @xladymacbethx​ @blessedboo​ @holl2712​

You were laughing as you watched snowflakes get stuck in Nestor’s facial hair and braids as he talked to you on the phone. Ever since you moved, the two of you had one weekly scheduled phone call, and one video chat. No matter what either of you were doing, you always made time for those two things. Even if for the rest of the week you didn’t really get to talk to each other, you always had those two things.

When Nestor said he was going to have to talk to you on the go before he called, you didn’t expect it to be quite so literal. You figured maybe he’d be driving, but wherever he was, he was walking, and it was snowing. He didn’t look thrilled about either of those things.

“I’m not made for the fucking snow,” he was trying to sound annoyed but you could see the laughter building up inside him.

“Good thing you didn’t move with me to New York then,” you laughed as you watched him brush snowflakes off of his eyelashes, “You’d never last out here.”

“Why would you voluntarily put up with this every year?”

“It’s pretty when you’re not being a baby about it,” you laughed, “Where did Miguel send you anyway?”

“Into the cold, that’s where,” he kept a serious expression for a moment before laughing.

“Next time you wanna experience the cold, come do it with me! My door is always open.”

“You’re the only person worth braving this shit for, Y/N,” he chuckled.

“Well,” you smiled at him from the warmth and comfort of your couch, “me and Miguel, apparently.” There was a knock at your door and you sighed, “Hold on a sec, I gotta grab that,” you got up and walked over to the door.

When you unlocked and pulled the door open, the phone dropped from your hands as you took in the sight of Nestor standing on your front step. You squealed, throwing your arms around him in a hug that swept you off the ground. He laughed as he held you tight against him.

He gently set you back down, making sure that your feet didn’t land in the snow on your steps, or on top of your discarded phone, “I told you, you’re the only one worth braving this shit for.”

“I can’t believe you’re really here!” without thinking better of it, you reached and cupped his face in your hands, still trying to wrap your head around the fact that he was actually standing right there in front of you. He let out a slight shiver and it snapped you back to the situation at hand. You laughed as you waved him inside, “Shit, come inside. Get out of the cold.”

You grabbed your phone off the ground before you shut and locked the door behind the both of you, mind reeling from the fact that Nestor was at your house. You’d been back home to visit a couple times since you moved away, but he’d never made the trek to New York. You couldn’t blame him—you knew what his life with Galindo was like. You were surprised that he was able to be that far away from the family without it causing some kind of issue.

“What brings you out my way?” you took his coat from him and hung it up, chuckling as the snow fell off of it onto the floor.

“You,” he replied, looking up at you with a smile as he took his shoes off, “I wanted to see you, and not just through a phone screen.”

His words made your entire body feel warm. You motioned for him to follow you into the kitchen, nodding towards the counter for him to sit while you got the both of you a cup of coffee. He needed it more to warm up than anything else. He looked around your house with an approving smile. You’d given him the video tour after you had moved all of your stuff in, but it looked so much better in person. It felt so homey. Your walls were covered with photographs and artwork that you’d brought from home. Nestor smiled to himself when he saw that he’d made it up on the wall in a few pictures, along with the rest of your family and friends back in California.

You set the hug down in front of him, and he chuckled when he saw I ❤ NY printed on the side of it. He cupped his hands around it, letting the warmth seep into his fingers from the ceramic, “Fitting.”

You sipped from your own mug with a smile, “Gotta manifest it, Nes.”

The two of you existed in silence for a minute while he thawed out. You watched him as he looked around your small home. It wasn’t much, especially compared to the homes of all the people in his circles back in California, but it was yours and you loved it. You had never been someone who needed much. You just needed to feel comfortable and safe, and this house did more than just that for you.

You noticed him staring at the photos on the walls and the fridge, and you smiled. A little bit of weight settled over your heart as you watched him study them, knowing that he was looking at the ones of the two of you. It was all bittersweet to look back on. The two of you hadn’t ever dated, but you danced around the outskirts of it for a long time. There were times when the lines felt a little fuzzy, but nothing ever really happened. You were best friends, and you knew that he’d do anything for you, and you for him. But the timing was just never quite right, life was just never quite calm enough to try and make it work.

When you had told him that you had accepted a job offer on the other side of the country, he was trying so hard to be happy for you, but it wasn’t easy. You were a port in the storm for him, and he had no idea what he was going to do without you around. But he was supportive. He helped you pack, scrolled through apartment and housing listings with you, and found the best deal on a plane ticket. He never let you see how much it had hurt him—those were feelings that he processed in private. He’d thought about coming out to visit you every day since you left, but he worried that if he did, he wouldn’t come back home.

Before either of you could spiral too far into the past, you spoke up with a smile, “So, how long are you in town for?” he didn’t have any bags, so you assumed that he couldn’t be in town for long.

“I’m not sure,” he rested a hand on the back of his neck, “Told Mikey I needed to take some time. And this was the first place I thought to come to.”

You couldn’t hide your surprise—work had always been a priority for Nestor. Miguel was at the forefront of his decisions, always. “Really?” you raised your eyebrows, “You…you can take a leave of absence with…what you do?” you couldn’t quite wrap your head around it.

He shrugged, “Apparently,” he chuckled, “He said alright. So, here I am.”

You could feel that it wasn’t what he wanted to talk about, so you let the topic drop, “Well, you know you’re more than welcome to stay for however long you want to. Although your lack of luggage is a little concerning.”

He laughed, “Got lost in the shuffle. Airline said they’ll mail it here.”

You shook your head, unable to contain your laughter, “Damn, that sucks. Welcome to New York.”

You were on the opposite side of the counter from him, leaning forward onto it, propped up by your elbows. The two of you started to catch up about things that slipped from your minds when you called each other. He told you about some of the chaos that he wasn’t allowed to say over an unsecure phoneline. You listened intently, fighting the urge to reach out and entwine your fingers with his. Everything felt so right with him there with you.

“Sorry,” he chuckled as he took another sip of his coffee, “I don’t mean to do all the talking. I’ve just…I’ve missed having you to talk to.”

You nodded, “I know the feeling,” you drummed your fingers on the surface of the counter, “Well, now that you’re here, normally I’d say we should go do touristy things. But something tells me you’ve had your required dose of snow for the day?”

He laughed, “What’ve you got in mind?”

You shook your head, “Nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow. I’m sure you’ve had a long enough day. We can camp out at least until your luggage gets here. Or I can take you shopping, whichever you prefer.”

He smiled at you, “I think I’m alright with staying in.”

“That’s what I figured,” you chuckled, “Well, I was not expecting company. I’m assuming you’ll be alright with ordering in?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“I know this really great Chinese place. Their wonton soup is…perfection.”

The two of you made your way to your living room and sprawled onto the couch. You leaned up against Nestor’s side as you got your phone out to place the order. You picked a few things that you wanted to eat before handing it to him so he could pick stuff as well. While he was looking through the menu, you turned on the television and pulled the blanket off the back of your couch so it covered the both of you.

Nestor handed your phone back to you so you could place the order. He’d hardly noticed how you tucked the both of you in. He smiled as he rested his arm against your side, hand brushing lightly against your stomach.

“Is this…”

“I decided last week that I was going to rewatch all of Law & Order SVU from the very beginning,” you laughed.

He shook his head with a laugh, “Do you have a moral objection to happy shows or…?”

“It’s a good show!” you snuggled into him a little more.

“What has New York done to you?”

You smiled and shook your head, “Given me time to do shit like this.”

“You like it here though?” his eyes were watching the television, but one hand was gently massaging circles into the side of your neck.

“Yea, I do. It’s a nice change of pace—I think it was the right move for me,” you glanced up at him and smiled, unbelievably happy about the fact that he was really laying on your couch in New York with you. Never in a million years did you think that would happen.

Once the food got there the two of you switched up your positions a little bit. The TV was still on but neither of you were paying attention to it. You were each sitting cross-legged facing each other on the couch. You were laughing as you watched him fumble with his chopsticks. You had forks, obviously, but it was a matter of pride whenever you two ate together because he knew that you were extremely good at using them and he didn’t want to be left out.

“Almost two years since we got Chinese together and you didn’t use any of that time to teach yourself how to use chopsticks?”

He chuckled as he struggled with his noodles, “Didn’t make it to the top of my priority list, I apologize.”

“I’ll teach you before you leave. Way better than taking back a cheesy souvenir,” you smiled at him as you picked up a piece of chicken.

As the night wore on, your coffee table became covered in takeout food boxes, and a couple empty bottles of wine that the two of you had managed to drink your way through. You were sprawled across his lap, wine glass lightly hanging from your fingertips as you rambled on about what you had been up to since you moved. Nestor couldn’t take his eyes off of you, soaking up the fact that he was able to be so close to you.

“I’ve missed you,” you veered off your current story completely as you felt the warmth from his hand soak into your leg.

He looked at you, laughing quietly at the sudden admission, “I’ve missed you too.”

“Were you ever mad at me for leaving?”

He shook his head, no hesitation in his answer at all, “Of course not,” he studied your face, the way your skin glowed whenever you drank, the way your eyes got a little glassy when you had more than just one glass of wine, “Doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you, though.”

You hummed in quiet contentment as he reassuringly rubbed his hand up and down your leg, “I think about you all the time.”

His hand stilled for a moment and you were afraid that maybe you were saying too much. Maybe the reason that things worked so well was because everything was in limbo. Before you could worry too much he gave your leg a light squeeze, “I think about you too.”

The two of you fell into a comfortable silence after that, resituating yourself so that your head was resting against his chest. It was hard to focus on much of anything when all you could think about was the way your body was pressed up against his. The steadiness of his breathing felt like the only thing that was still grounding you. Your entire body felt warm from the wine, but deep down you knew it was more than just that.

“If you’re tired,” he spoke up after a few minutes of silence, “you can go to bed. Don’t exhaust yourself on my account,” there was a smile on his face.

You stretched, fighting back a yawn, “Come with me,” you sat upright and looked over at him, “I won’t lie to you, my guest room is empty because I have been putting off buying furniture for it,” you chuckled, “And my bed is way more comfortable than the couch, believe me.”

“Yea,” he nodded, his voice soft as he bit back a laugh, “okay.”

He followed you up the stairs and into your room, looking around the house as he did. It was hard for him to wrap his head around what your life was like now that you were so far away from everything that you had grown up with, everyone you had grown up with. It seemed like you had created such a cozy little life for yourself, and it couldn’t help but to think that you might never have had that if you hadn’t taken the plunge to move across the country.

“Don’t mind the clothes,” you apologized as you flicked on the light to your bedroom, “I promise they’re clean—I just hate folding laundry.”

He laughed, shaking his head, “It’s fine.”

You changed into a baggy long-sleeve shirt and a pair of shorts, immediately crawling underneath your blankets. You nestled back against your pillow and looked over at Nestor, who was unbuttoning his shirt, eyes cast down at the floor.

You were lying on your side, scrolling on your phone when you felt the mattress dip as Nestor climbed into bed beside you. He pulled the blanket up over himself and rolled onto his side so he could look over at you. You looked up from your phone, a smile starting to take over your features as you took in how close he was to you. You set your phone off to the side and rested your cheek against the palm of your hand.

“I still can’t believe you’re here,” you said with a laugh.

“Give it a couple days,” he joked, “Soon you’ll be begging for me to go back home.”

You snuggled closer to him, resting your face against his chest, “I doubt it.”

You woke up the next morning to the feeling of Nestor’s arms wrapped tightly around you, keeping you snug against his chest. Taking a slow, deep bre ath you took in the fact that this was really happening. He shifted slightly, arms squeezing you for a moment before he settled back into his sleep. The selfish part of you never wanted him to go home because you would love to wake up like this every morning. The warmth trapped underneath the blanket made you forget about the fact that there was a considerable amount of snow covering the ground outside.

You let your eyes close again as you focused on the steady beat of his heart. You slowly slid your legs and tangled them up with his. A few moments later you felt his fingers sliding lightly up and down your back. You glanced up at him and smiled when you saw that his eyes were still closed, but there was a peaceful smile on his face. You don’t ever remember seeing him so calm, so relaxed.

“Good morning,” he mumbled as he pressed his hand flat against your back, pushing you against him.

You chuckled as you rested your hands against his chest, “Good morning. You sleep okay?”

“Mhm,” he finally opened his eyes, “like a fucking rock,” he laughed.

You smiled up at him, “Good.”

The two of you laid there, soaking up the quiet peacefulness of the morning. You hadn’t woken up wrapped up in someone’s arms in a very long time, and there was something about the clinginess of Nestor’s grasp that told you he was in the same boat. You smiled to yourself as you felt his fingers lazily massaging between your shoulder blades.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come visit sooner,” he said.

You pulled back away from him so you could get a better look at his face, “You don’t have to be sorry—I know your life doesn’t make it easy. It’s hard to find the time.”

“I should’ve made the time.”

“Nes, don’t—”

He cut you off as he shook his head, “I’m not trying to make excuses. I know that I should’ve come out to see you. I just, I knew that it was going to be hard to convince myself to go back home once I did. I like me so much better when I’m with you,” he gently cupped your face in his hand.

You rested your hand over his, “Well, I like you all the time,” you smiled, “And no matter what, I’ll always be here whenever you need a break to recharge and get away from everything for a little while. But listen,” you waited for him to look at you, “don’t spend all of your time here thinking about the fact that you think you should’ve made it out here sooner. None of that matters. You’re here now, and that’s what matters.”

He rested his forehead against yours, “See? That’s what I mean—how am I supposed to go back home after that?” you could see the hint of a smile on his face.

You laughed, “Just remember how much you hate the snow. Short vacations out this way will be just right for you.”

He chuckled and shook his head, “Yea, maybe.”

You gave his hand a light squeeze, “C’mon, let’s go make breakfast and see if your luggage will come in today or if I get to take you shopping.”

He laughed, rolling his eyes, “Can’t wait for that.”

You flung the blanket off the both of you and hopped out of bed. Walking around to Nestor’s side, you held out your hands and pulled him up, laughing as he exaggeratedly stumbled into you and wrapped you in a hug. Your laughter was muffled against his chest but he reveled in the way it all felt.

While you were measuring out grounds into the coffee maker, you saw Nestor out of the corner of your eye looking through your fridge, trying to see what he could salvage to make breakfast with. You smiled to yourself as you set the pot to brew. You leaned back against the counter and watched him pulling things out from the drawers of your refrigerator.

“Playing chef today?” you asked with a smile.

“Better me than you,” he laughed.

You feigned offence, “Excuse you, I am an amazing cook.”

He smiled as he set everything out on the counter, “You are, but I’m better.”

“But I’m better,” you mocked with a laugh, “Cocky.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“How long did you say you were staying again?” you laughed.

“At least until I learn how to use chopsticks,” he chuckled as he looked through your cabinets for a frying pan, “So it might be a while.”

You couldn’t make yourself take your eyes off him, “Good.”

He heard the softness in your tone and looked over at you from his food prep on the counter. He smiled, tilting his head slightly as if to ask if there was something that you wanted to say. You shook your head with a small smile before walking over and wrapping your arms around his middle, the side of your face resting against his back. You didn’t know how long he was going to be staying, but you knew that regardless you were going to be making the most of it.

[himbeaux-on-ice]

KK deserves more than 6mil for 1 year and there is no way Habs CAN'T match that. It was so low I thought it was a joke of an offer as petty revenge for the Aho one. Literally had a $20 signing bonus tf. With both teams picking up racists this is good PR frankly to excite fans.

Sorry, I actually disagree pretty solidly with almost all of this, but the reasons are complex and lengthy to explain, so I’m going to put it all under a cut.

Listen, I personally believe based on what we’ve seen from him in the playoffs that KK can eventually develop into a $6.1 million dollar player — it seemed like he did well once the team had been put through Ducharme’s mini-training camp before the playoffs that actually allowed the chance to cement his systems, and put up good numbers generally during the run for someone his age. If they can find a way to get that kind of stuff out of him in the regular season, he could very well be worth $6.1 or more down the road. I really truly think he has it in him with the right coaching and the right work put in.

The problem is, owing possibly to how the Habs have chosen to develop him (remember, he came to the NHL pretty much straight out of the draft) and how very young he actually is, he has not yet actually PROVEN that he can be a player of that value consistently for most of a season at any point. I’m willing to put an asterisk on his struggles this year, because it was a weird fucking season and the Habs had a rough go of it in several points, especially down the stretch, and because we’ve seen the ability is there in the playoffs. But given what we’ve seen while he’s been on his ELC, there has been no guarantee so far that a team that signs him to $6.1 million is going to get $6.1 million in value out of him this coming season.

Like, set aside league-wide valuations for a second, and think about what the Habs, based on their budgeting and philosophy and management choices, are paying some of their top foundational players right now in terms of cap hit. Toffoli makes $4.5 million, so will Hoffman. Anderson makes $5.5 million, as does Drouin. Petry makes $6.2 million. Edmundson makes $3.5 million. Jake Allen, a player so valuable to this team that we risked “Price to Seattle” to keep him, is $2.87 million against the cap. Gally, the lifeblood heart and soul of this team who has given his literal blood sweat and tears to it for almost a decade, only makes $6.5 million against the cap. They apparently weren’t even willing to offer Phillip Danault, defensive cornerstone of the playoff run, the $5.5 million he got from LA. With Weber on the LTIR, if KK signed with the Habs at $6.1 million, he would be the third-highest paid player on the active team when you exclude dudes named Carey Price (who is an outlier and should not be counted). I love the kid. I think he’ll be a bonafide star someday. He has NOT earned that kind of payday yet, based on the established scale of how the Habs reward their players.

Based on my amateur understanding of NHL contracts and the market, a reasonable deal with KK from the Habs would have been somewhere in the area of $2-3 million (so, what they pay for players like Lehkonen (2.3 mil) or Byron (3.3 mil) or just signed Armia to (3.4 mil)), for maybe about 2 years. By the time that runs out, he’d be 23 years old and heading into the prime of his career, and you would probably have a better idea of whether he’s made that big next step or not — if he has, you probably just got two years of great hockey out of him at a STEAL, and can at that point sign him for a nice juicy contract that will pay him to that level and lock him up through his prime years (which is what you would dangle to entice him to take the short deal for now). And if when that short deal is up he hasn’t made that next leap, then you either sign him back at what he is worth, or if that’s an impasse, part ways. He has said he wants to help bring a Cup to Montreal, and do it with the core of young guys they’re assembling (and close friends like the other Finns on the team) — with that, maybe some performance bonuses if he really kills it, and the promise of something bigger down the road once he proves himself (plus the knowledge that he might not get higher offers elsewhere because of how he’s struggled) you could probably get him to sign a deal like that with the Habs.

HOWEVER.

Now that he has signed this offer sheet, he WILL get $6.1 million. Not only for this year, but once the one-year deal expires, any extension offered to him by anyone is required to start at that number. Regardless of how he performs. Unless he has the breakout year of all breakout years, this will really screw him over — because if he DOESN’T perform to the $6.1 million level, a team (be it the Habs or the Canes) is not going to want to sign him to a second deal at that pricetag. He’ll have to go hunting as a free agent, or get traded before he expires and become another team’s problem. (Note: I’m not exactly sure if the offer sheet process allows Montreal to match with a contract at the same value but longer term, but that doesn’t really solve the problem of being locked-in at $6.1 million after next season even if they can). I understand why he signed the offer sheet — his career earnings so far total just over $2 million, and of course both he and his agent would jump at the chance to guarantee adding triple that in just one year, with the promise of more of the same on his next extension. I’m sure he probably thinks he’s worth it, or can prove he is worth it. He probably thinks the Habs believe in him enough to match it, too — I don’t think he wants to leave Montreal, but he probably sees this as simply an earlier achievement of what they would hopefully be paying him anyway someday, in his eyes.

But even if he DOES perform up to that level, if he remains on the Habs that creates another massive problem crunching up against the salary cap: Nick Suzuki and Jake Evans are both RFA’s at the end of the 2021-22 season, and THEY will be looking for their “grown-up” contracts at that time, the SAME time KK will need to be signed again. Nick is probably going to develop into the better player between him and KK (look at where he already is right now), so even if KK performs excellently next year as say 2C, Nick looks like he will be even better at 1C — and if I’m Nick’s agent, I’m definitely starting my contract negotiations with what the Habs would be paying KK as my absolute lowest starting figure, if not higher. Jake probably has more of a 3C/4C upside, but if KK struggles and plays at a 3C/4C performance level and Jake does that well or better, then if I’m Jake Evans’ agent I am definitely putting my starting figure for negations right around $6.1 million, because I can argue “well, you’re paying Kotkaniemi that much, why not my client?”. Romanov is due up for his post-ELC RFA deal after next year too — because he’s more of a defensive defenceman who isn’t expected to score much, he likely can’t command the kind of figures that an offensively productive centre does, but you still need to have enough cap space to actually sign the guy for what he’s worth; Romanov is eligible for arbitration in that negotiation, so lowballing him too hard could get complicated and contentious fast. And all of this isn’t even including factors like depth players on one-year deals who will need to be replaced or brought back after this year, etc.

Accepting/matching this contract creates a dozen new problems the Habs didn’t have before at all. It carries massive risk and could cause problems for the cap and for roster construction even if KK takes off like a rocket and lives up to the figure on the sheet. I didn’t even touch on the absolute hell the fanbase and media will put him through if he is in Montreal on that kind of payday compared to the rest of the team and fails to live up to it. Alex Galchenyuk only made $4.5 million while he was here and struggling. Look how that turned out for him. You’ve seen how people get when Carey has a rough patch, how the $10.5 million gets brought up and thrown around, and that’s with Carey goddamn Price. I have been around this fanbase long enough to see what happens when people don’t feel you’ve lived up to your pricetag. It gets nasty. Think whatever you’ve seen hurled at Mitch Marner this year, then multiplied by a factor of “fanbase whose expectations have been disproportionately raised probably beyond what’s realistic by the miracle playoff run” and “the Montreal hockey media eats people alive even in good years”. He has been lucky so far in his struggles because he’s still young enough to be cheap. And I’ve still seen plenty of people already writing him off anyway.

Make no mistake: I love KK, I love what he brings to the team, I love how he fits in with the rest of the young core and their dynamics, and I really believe he has the potential to break out into a formidable 2C lowkey-superstar. And I was really, really looking forward to hopefully watching that growth and achievement happen with the Habs, as part of the super exciting future that has been building here. I will be heartbroken if this leads to him leaving, genuinely. My biggest worry with having this bright and shiny new core was always that I would have to watch it get torn apart and turn sad just like the last one.

But now that this contract, right now, at this point in his career is going to be the price of keeping him? I don’t know if matching it will be what’s best for the team as a whole, or even what is best for KK. I don’t know if Carolina actually gives a shit about him as a player enough to use and develop him right if they keep him, or what their end goal here even is other than definitely very literally getting petty revenge for the Aho thing, just look at their Twitter (I think the idea of this as DeAngelo counter-PR has become a bit overblown as an explanation, because surely they MUST know they could end up holding the tab for this and all the risk of it in the end, and that this will die down eventually, so either they’re incredibly stupid or there’s some other benefit here).

And regardless of which way everything goes, I can’t think of anyone I trust less to make the best choice for everyone involved than Marc fucking Bergevin.

[huxandthehound]

Why Levi is Still Going to Kill Zeke and Why it Matters

Levi is going to kill Zeke.

You can’t change my mind.

I’ve seen and heard a lot of stuff going around recently. None of it has been rude or angry, just lots of people writing off Levi’s role in the story going forward. And I can understand that to some degree. The series is quickly coming to a close and we’re in the endgame now. (Sorry, I had to.) Levi has been sidelined for over a year. Zeke is absolutely no longer the Big Bad. But none of this means we can throw away a character’s entire motivation because we hear the orchestra warming up to play everyone off the stage.

We haven’t seen Zeke in eight chapters. We haven’t seen Levi do much of anything since getting blown up in chapter 114. Their relevance to the story is seemingly diminishing month by month. Zeke has been, presumably, lying in a pile of rubble or (insert your favorite theory here), and Levi has been getting hauled around Paradis like a small child on a family road trip. Neither of them has done anything remotely relevant, at least in regards to the current state of things with Eren, in a very long time. However, there is one thing Levi has done since then. And he’s done it multiple times: reiterate how much he wants to kill Zeke.

THE PROMISE

The entire reason we’re talking about this is because of something that happened way back in chapter 80. In a grand gesture amongst the chaos and devastation Zeke himself was raining down on them, Levi knelt before Erwin and lifted the weight of his dream from his shoulders. And simultaneously vowed to kill the Beast Titan.

Now, Levi never explicitly swears to Erwin. He never really uses the words “promise” or “vow.” But Levi knew the intent behind his actions, even if his words didn’t convey it, and that kneeling implied his solemnity and dedication to his goal and the commander. And within just a few hours, perhaps less, he reiterates the intent behind his words: “I swore to him that I’d kill you no matter what.”

Interesting choice of words.

I think the “no matter what” is an important addition. This is clearly something he’s added on his own. Unless we’re missing parts of his speech to Erwin, he doesn’t say this, but he clearly thinks it’s implied and is going to hold himself to it.

This is the point where Levi fees the brunt of his words to Erwin. This is the turning point for him, the point of no return, where he begins to feel the effects of his promise that will reverberate well into the future.

Levi does not seem like the type of person to make a promise lightly. He never minces his words or says anything he doesn’t mean. That’s just not who he is. We know this. And not only did he make a promise, he’s recalled it multiple times over the years, reminded himself over and over again of his last words to Erwin. They meant something. They weren’t some hollow promise, some death bed appeasement. Levi fully intends to carry through with it. No matter what.

THE FLASHBACK

After chaperoning a presumably very annoying Zeke at their secure location in the forest for about a month, Levi gets an update regarding the goings on at headquarters. He is not pleased with what he hears, and decides on his own to change the plans and, in the process, kill Zeke.

It doesn’t take long for Levi to make this decision, perhaps because the thought of not only killing Zeke but simultaneously maintaining the power of the Beast Titan is too hard to pass up. Perhaps it’s because the plan would ultimately result in Zeke’s death that helps him come to the conclusion so quickly. I also presume the thought has crossed his mind innumerable times during his stay with Zeke, and he just needed a little encouragement.

Then, he recalls in depressingly accurate detail the vow he made to Erwin, four years later. It’s so knee jerk. It happens so quickly and seamlessly, like Levi has been haunted by this for years, that he’s always had this nagging thought in the back of his mind subconsciously affecting his decision making.

“Erwin, It looks like I’ll finally be able to fulfill the vow I made to you that day.”

The fact that Levi sees the scene from an outside perspective, and not the images of Erwin’s face from below as Levi has recalled before, I believe is important to his memory. It’s not just his words that meant something that day. His words, actually, weren’t the binding part. The fact that he bent the knee to Erwin is what signifies his commitment, and he is reminding himself of his actions that day.

He also says “finally.” These are the words of a man who has thought about this moment for a very long time. I can sense the relief Levi must be feeling when he says this. This thing that he’s wanted so badly to do but has been putting off because of a sense of duty. This is Levi’s “fuck it” moment, when he decides he’s just going to bend the rules a bit, still play along, and get what he wants.

I have a feeling Levi is also recalling the last time he was closest to killing Zeke: in Liberio. It would have been so easy to slice a little too deep or misplace his explosives. The look on Levi’s face in chapter 103 certainly leads me to believe he perhaps tried a little harder than was necessary. Zeke even calls him out on it in the air ship. Levi wasn’t acting. Their battle as a whole might have been a farce, but Levi was taking his frustrations out on Zeke and going through the motions, only to stop just short of his goal.

“Finally,” Levi thinks. This time he’s got a plan that he can see through to the end. No more faking it. No more holding back.

His vow has also seemed to become a little clearer, at least to himself, over the years. Back in Shiganshina, Levi was livid. He’s had time to more fully grasp what his vow truly means, what it stands for. He promised Erwin he would kill the Beast Titan, and while I’m sure most of his hatred is because Zeke killed Erwin specifically, Levi also recalls his other fallen comrades. The ones that died to get them to this point, the soldiers whose deaths Zeke is directly responsible for. And then, as if he didn’t have reason enough to go after Zeke, within just minutes of this flashback, Levi is forced to end the lives of thirty of his comrades.

Another nail in Zeke’s—hopefully literal—coffin.

IN HIS OWN WORDS

Levi knows what he needs to do for his people and the greater good of humanity, and as such, he can’t allow himself to follow through with his promise just yet. He’s waiting—not patiently, but he is waiting—for the perfect moment, one that aligns with his desires and Paradis’ needs. And he’s not hiding it from Zeke.

It’s almost become a running, unfunny joke at this point, for both Zeke and the audience. (I feel like Levi is not as appreciative of these instances as we might be.)

It all starts in chapter 81 when Levi is essentially speaking directly to Zeke after he gets scooped up by the Cart Titan. “I swore to him that I’d kill you no matter what.” He’s telling Zeke. Whether Zeke can hear him as he gets carried away is one thing, but this is ground zero for Levi telling Zeke exactly what he’s going to do to him.

Chronologically, our next on screen instance—though I’m sure there are more we are never shown—is in chapter 105. Zeke is the one to bring it up this time. It’s unclear where he’s gotten this information from, but he knows Levi is still hell-bent on killing him, especially based on what Zeke considers to have been a convincing display in Liberio. Levi ends that conversation with one of my favorite taunts, which I’m going to delve into shortly.

Then, at the tail end of chapter 106 and to help close out the volume, we have a little snippet from what I’m sure was a terribly uncomfortable carriage ride with Levi and Zeke. Levi deflects the conversation away from the supposed victory in Liberio to tell Zeke that he’s going to “kill [him], send [his] corpse to Marley, and reveal everything about [his] plot.” Subtlety has never been Levi’s strong suit. He ends it by telling Zeke, “I wouldn’t mind waiting a little longer before slicing you to pieces.” Levi is more than aware that there is a certain order this all needs to happen in, but no matter how long he has to wait, it will not make him lose sight of his end goal.

THE EVIDENCE

Levi has shown us time after time that he has never given up on his promise. That he will stop at nothing to fulfill it. That he will go so far as to defy direct orders to achieve his goals. Everything is telling us that it’s actually going to happen.

Levi’s first move in twelve chapters, after he wakes up from getting knocked out by the thunder spear, is to promptly call Zeke a “piece of shit” and ask where he is. Keep in mind this is after hearing Eren’s apocalyptic broadcast, and Levi’s focus is still on Zeke. True, Hange and Levi are a bit out of the loop at this point in regards to Zeke’s involvement in Eren’s plan. But the point still stands. Levi is hyper focused on his enemy from the moment he wakes up.

Then, as if it weren’t clear enough, Levi says it again, more plainly, to Magath and Pieck the following day: “My goal is to kill Zeke.” Levi’s motives and goals are not up for interpretation, and he’s not just saying this to appease them either. Magath has his sights on Levi, quite literally, and Levi couldn’t care less. He’s blunt and to the point, as always. He also takes personal ownership of the goal. I think at this point he is slowly starting to come to the realization that he is going to follow through with this no matter what anyone else says. He doesn’t have orders to kill Zeke on sight. He definitely doesn’t have orders to transfer the Beast Titan. But his goal, his mission at this exact moment, is to kill Zeke. And if he has to team up with people to get shit done, he’ll do it. But he’s not hiding his intentions, and I doubt he would even if their goals didn’t align.

Since all of these events, it’s only been a few days, and nothing is going to change Levi’s mind in that short period of time. He’s held onto this promise—this vow to a dead man—for years. I’m not under the impression that Levi is going to suddenly change his mind because of a few new developments and one very cryptic line from a tall blonde woman that I’m pretty sure he hates.  

One thing that Levi says that has always stuck out to me is his eagerness to clarify to Zeke when he plans on killing him: “Not yet.” I know this could be Levi just further emphasizing his ultimate goal (kind of a “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness” sort of thing), but I can’t help but feel like it’s also a nod to the audience. Levi doesn't need to tell Zeke he won’t kill him yet; he knows that. Zeke knows Levi can’t kill him yet, not in the middle of the forest for no good reason without having a titan nearby. The “not yet” seems a little too heavy handed to me, and for that reason I like to cling onto it for dear life.

Additionally there are a few context clues, if you will, that lead me to believe we’re getting set up for the ultimate showdown between Zeke and Levi.

One of my favorite lines from Levi is when he tells Zeke, “I like to save the best parts of my meal for last.” (Levi used taunt; it was super effective.) That line is peak Levi and just everything I want and expect out of any of his interactions with Zeke. I think it might be a little deeper than that though. My interpretation, from a literary perspective, is that this is foreshadowing disguised as snark. I would not be surprised if this is insinuating that perhaps the very last thing Levi will do in this story is kill Zeke. That he’ll kill Zeke or die trying.

I also think that this being one of the last things Levi does would allow him to appreciate his accomplishment. To “savor the taste,” so to speak. I’m not sure what Levi really has to live for if they all come out of this on the other side. We don’t get a lot of insight into his life over these last four years, but I’m willing to bet he feels a little aimless. Killing Zeke would be one of the last things that Levi really feels needs to be done, one last regret to eliminate before he dies. I believe once he’s done that, he’ll be able to move on, and he might be able to rest. I unfortunately don’t see any future for Levi post-war that includes him having closure or relaxing or anything of the sort. This may be his only way out.

If you want to look a little deeper, past Levi’s bluntness, the “no matter what” Levi throws in back in chapter 81 is another thing that piques my interest. Lots of people have pointed out that Levi has also said he’d be the one to kill Eren if he gets out of line (chapter 18). Clearly those parameters have been met. But what happens when Levi’s duty, in a sense, is overshadowed by this promise? The moment Levi said that he’d kill Zeke no matter what, he voided every other task he ever signed up for. I think this is no exception. Is Eren about to kill a bunch of people? Probably. Should Levi be more concerned with Eren at this point than Zeke? Definitely.

I don’t disagree that Levi does seem pretty single minded at this point in the story. But I’m finding it hard to blame him or say it’s a “bad” thing to have happen to him. While fulfilling this promise has become somewhat of an obsession for him, he’s always maintained his professionalism and focus on saving humanity first. He was able to control himself in Shiganshina, in Liberio, in the forest when lord knows Zeke was getting on Levi’s every last nerve. However, the odds are stacked against him now. And if Levi’s going to do it, he’s got to do it now.

Lastly, something that most recently caught my attention was something Zeke says in chapter 113. He’s having a one-sided dialogue with Levi while Levi attempts to escape the 30 titans Zeke has just sicced on him, though I’m sure Levi can hear none of it. “You thought you had strength…” Zeke begins. “Time. Choices. It was those foolish beliefs… Levi… they were your downfall.” Now we know Levi comes out of this battle victorious, if only for a moment. But if we look at this “downfall” of Levi’s to mean only that he was taken advantage of and not that he was doomed, as Zeke obviously thinks, if we accept that Levi ultimately lost this battle in the sense that he also lost his comrades and the fragile plan they had, we’re left to wonder what would then aid in Levi’s eventual salvation...

Look where we are currently. Levi has, presumably, lost his strength. He is injured and weak. Levi has run out of time. Eren is rumbling the world and Levi’s days aren’t getting any longer. He’s also run out of choices. The path laid out before them is bleak: stop Eren or let the world end.  Maybe knowing he has none of these things will be to Levi’s advantage. Maybe that will be what causes him to ultimately make the decision to kill Zeke. He doesn’t have the capability to take down a crazed, Eren dinosaur, but he might have it in him for one last fight with a bearded bastard. He doesn’t have the time to save the world, but he’s got just enough time to fight one guy. And Eren has pretty much made the decision for everyone about how to move forward, and Levi can take that as the last sign he needs to say “fuck loyalty” and collect the Beast’s head.

THE SHOWDOWN

Everything before this was just reasons why Levi is going to be the one to finish Zeke. I feel like we don’t have as many clues as to how he’s going to accomplish this.

I know what comes up a lot in the discussions about Levi’s relevance at this point is the story is his current state, his health and his injuries. I think that’s what makes it interesting, though.

Yes, Levi is injured. But so is Zeke.

We’ll go with the idea that Zeke isn’t stuck in the endless sandbox that is paths. (It’s just easier not to think about all of that...) But the last time we see Zeke in the real world, he’s got a chunk missing out his back. I’m also pretty sure he’s unfortunately placed at the bottom of the walls, which don’t exist anymore. Side effects of this may include death by trampling or being buried under a pile of rubble.

And then we have Levi. Poor, tired, depressed, so done with everyone’s shit Levi Ackerman who honestly would just like to kill Zeke and move on with his life.

Levi is injured. Levi has no gear. Levi is missing two fingers and, very likely, half his eyesight.

However, Levi is Levi. He is nothing if not tenacious and driven. He will make this work. With his bare hands, if that’s what it necessitates.

And I think that’s what it’ll come to.

Zeke has known this day was coming for years and has been under no illusion that he has ever been truly safe from Levi. He knew that he was only spared by Paradis’ need to keep him alive. Their banter is evidence enough of this; Zeke knows his days are numbered. Now, with the world literally crumbling around them, there isn’t much holding Levi back. And Zeke, for his part, has had his dreams ripped out from beneath him while watching his dear little brother betray him and choose to rumble the world. He’s not got much left to live for.

Now, I won’t get into speculating where or when this fight will take place. Over the last month or so, since chapter 129, I’ve been (only half-jokingly) arguing for the theory that Levi may have slipped off of his booster seat on Uber Pieck and remained on the island. Which would obviously make it easier for him to find Zeke or Zeke to find him. If Levi is indeed on the ship (proof where??), then that means the alliance will need to cross paths with Zeke on their way to Eren. Which I suppose is plausible too. We haven’t seen Zeke in quite some time, so who’s to say what he’s been able to get himself into—or out of—in the time being.

So, while it might take a little footwork to get Levi and Zeke in range of each other once more, I wouldn’t exactly count it out.

Regardless of how it happens, the next time these two meet will be far from uneventful. Levi is angry. Levi is resentful. He won’t let Zeke get away again.

I can see another epic Levi panel, similar to the iconic “Kenny!” we get in chapter 57, as he happens upon Zeke one last time. Imagine. Levi rolling up to an oblivious Zeke, calling him “Beardy” or “piece of shit” as the bandages fall away from his face from the force of yelling. We’ll be treated to what I imagine will be Levi’s final form, a presumably partially blind and sliced up version of himself, with rage in his eyes that’s only exacerbated by this damaged façade.

There’s the alternative to this, too, in which Levi heals quickly, perhaps some Ackerman magic as Hange pointed out. He is no longer bloodied, but scarred. Levi may even know this and might just be biding his time under the bandages and only pretending to be unable to fight. I feel like this scenario would horrify Zeke even more, though he needs no help in that department. We already know he’s terrified of the Ackermans.

In either scenario, Zeke will perhaps let his inherent hubris get the best of him, and, seeing Levi weaponless, let his guard down, as he is wont to do. Zeke knows they’re both injured, down for the count. Even if Levi has healed a bit, I have no doubt there will be lasting effects to his injuries. He’s not a kid; he’s older and battered and incredibly tired.

I’m predicting Zeke will remain in his human form. He may be too injured to shift. Or perhaps timing is everything and he might be relieved of his titan curse at a very inopportune moment. My favorite theory would be that in Zeke’s infinite wisdom and pride, he’ll perhaps decide that he’s oh-for-two in Beast vs. Levi fights and maybe he should take Levi on mano a mano.

Ah, Zeke. But Levi is no man.

Imagine, a titan and an Ackerman, both reduced to their most basic selves.

I think we’re going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned fist fight.

Levi knows he’s in a bad state. He’s under no illusions about his health. But we know his heart will be in it. And where Zeke may think this is a level playing field, he will be sorely mistaken.

I just think we’ve seen all we need to see as far as Levi fighting titans is concerned. He goes a little feral, slices them up easily. But Levi fighting Zeke as Zeke, not as the Beast Titan, will inject a little reality into the fight. It’ll allow Levi to really see his enemy, and while it might not make him hold back, we might see Levi get a little more introspective about the whole thing. Maybe the fight is slow. Maybe it’s a bit lousy. I’m not sure how much gas either of them has left in the tank. I can see these two throwing around more words than punches at this point, but blood will be drawn. We’ll have a little more breathing room to take in what’s happening, and, hey, who knows? This might be a good time for one last Erwin flashback.

Levi might have one last knife up his sleeve, a timeless Choice with No Regrets weapon brandishing, one last fancy flourish of his blade before lodging it in Zeke’s gut. Preferably his lower left quadrant. For reasons.

But I think that’s what we need. A messy, emotional fight. No titans. No gear or gas or swords. One last chance for Levi to give Zeke his comeuppance. One last chance to showcase this Ackerman strength that Zeke has been so terrified of and which he has never actually seen the full force of. Levi has been holding back to some extent during each of their fights. He had to. But no more.

Ultimately, Levi will kill Zeke and, in the process, himself.

He’ll fulfill his vow, and he’ll get to rest. Finally.

BUT WHAT’S THE POINT?

Why does it matter? Why does Levi have to kill Zeke?

Ultimately, it’s all about Levi.

Firstly, I love Levi. I think it’s safe to say a lot of people do. And I don’t think it’s a stretch for me to say that we’d like to see him squeeze one last ounce of goodness out of his life.

I believe it would be in very bad taste for Isayama to kill Levi as he stands (or sits) now, broken and sidelined and helpless. That’s not who Levi is as a character. And that’s how you waste a perfectly good scar. So his options are to stop Eren or kill Zeke. And I personally believe there are far better people than Levi suited for the job of stopping Eren, both physically and narratively (cough Reiner cough). Though I don’t deny it would be nice to see Levi have a role in taking Eren down, however bittersweet that may be for him, and us.

But let’s look at where we currently stand. I’m not sure about how everyone else feels at this point in the story, but chapter 130 gave me some interesting vibes. This feels like the second act of an action/horror movie, where the ensemble gathers around a campfire or a lamp in a darkened home, and admits defeat. They look around wearily and kind of decide they’re just going to do whatever the hell they want to do because the world is going to end tomorrow or the zombies are going to break down the door by morning. Obviously, most of our remaining characters want to help, but I can’t help but feel some intrusive feelings of… despair? Obviously most of these feelings are coming from Annie, and Hange is admittedly trying to keep her around. But the zombies are breaking down the door. The Colossals are trampling the mainland. I’m not sure the alliance would have it in them to force Annie to stay, even though they could absolutely use her titan powers to help fight this war.

But when posed with the question “Should Levi be allowed to abandon ship (literally) and go make good on his own promise?” the answer always seems to be “absolutely not.” Levi is denied his dreams. Because people expect better of him. Which is valiant, I suppose, for us to think he’s above that pettiness. But I think most people aren’t really examining his character as a whole.

Points can be made that his drive to kill Zeke is a devolution in his character, that his tunnel vision has changed him and he isn’t the same person with the same goals and motivations as he used to be. On one hand I say: Good. This isn’t a fairytale. This is Attack on Titan. Flawed characters are good. Character development, in any direction, is good for the story. (I mean, have you met Eren?) On the other hand I say: This is who Levi has always been. He’s never been the “good” guy. This is the same man who was called a madman and didn’t deny it. I don’t believe we’re necessarily seeing a different side to him but more of what makes Levi himself is coming to the forefront.

Levi is in his mid- to late-twenties when he joins the Survey Corps. His time underground up until that point had been less than desirable. We all know the story, and it’s not a pretty one. Watching his mother die. Being raised, then abandoned, by Kenny. Followed by who knows how many years of struggling to survive on his own before he found his family with Furlan and Isabel. And even then, it wasn’t easy. Levi is a flawed, fully developed character when we meet him. He is violent and imperfect and deadly. The man tortured someone without blinking. I think wanting him to forego this instinct that he’s known his whole life, in favor of some more angelic or heroic outcome, is a bit too optimistic. It’s almost disingenuous.

Levi isn’t going to be the big hero of this story.

I know... I’d like him to be too, in a sense. But that’s going to fall on our other protagonists. It’s going to be the kids’ tasks to slay the bad guys and tie up the loose ends.

The only reason Levi even began caring about humanity is because of Erwin, and now Erwin is gone. Levi may have found a greater purpose with Erwin and the Survey Corps, but that didn’t change who he was, who he has always been. Letting Levi follow through with his vengeful dreams won’t make him any less of a character. If anything, it’ll cement who he truly is, which is someone that I think most people have forgotten about.

But who knows. Maybe Levi is to be denied, one last time, forever frustrated and regretful. Maybe that’s what Isayama is getting at. Maybe he’s trolling us. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe we’ll have all this build up only to get the rug pulled out from under us. Sike, Levi isn’t going to kill Zeke. No dreams will be fulfilled here. Wrong manga.

However, I choose to remain cautiously optimistic. This will very likely be the denouement to Levi’s arc. Let him go down in a blaze of fiery revenge if he so chooses. He’s earned it.

[manyblinkinglights]

MY PERSONAL TAKE ON UNITY-”HUMANOID” FERAL AVATAR RIGGING FOR VRCHAT

First of all: this is actually not that bad. If you avoid the many pitfalls I will lay out for you in this tutorial, the worst thing about the hookup process is the same thing that’s bad about everything in Unity: dragging the little thingies into their little boxies gets kind of tedious. 

NUMBERED LIST: 

1. Start with Rigify’s meta-human. 

2. Modify it by deleting extra bones, and

3. altering the hips and legs and shoulders for compatibility with VRChat’s full-body IK, as per Kung’s YouTube tutorial. 

4. Build your quad model around the head, neck, chest, spine, and hips of your Humanoid. 

5. Lock your Humanoid legs and arms out of weight painting.

6. Rig your quad model, and

7. Get it into Unity. 

8. Start putting rotation constraints on all/most of your quad model’s bones (I’ll tell you TWO BIG SECRETS). edit: I forget what two things were supposed to be the secrets. Pick whichever two things helped you most and let’s just call those the secrets. 

9. Build and test your avatar, then start tweaking your constraint weights until you get the effect you want!

**

ADVICE: 

part A: You can test an activated quad leg rotation constraint directly in your scene by applying it, and then grabbing your humanoid thigh or shin transform and rotating that, but YOU HAVE TO CTRL-Z IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS. NEVER apply a rotation constraint to a bone that’s been left out of its default position!

part B: Always, always, ALWAYS and only, only ONLY work on your Armature in Blender from full X, Y, or Z isometric view with X-mirroring on.  

KNOWN LIMITATIONS: 

The levelling bone in your backbone always points directly back, relative to root, from the user’s hips; they twist up and leave it behind if they turn from side to side too far, all the way around, or, god forbid, hit VRCEmote 6 (backflip). You cannot sexy poledance or flop onto the couch in this style of avatar without making a spectacle of yourself. 

If there’s some crazy calculus that’d spit out the exact right leg lengths and constraint weights to perfectly eliminate foot-vs-floor clipping at every height, I do not know it. There are just too many variables at play; put whatever leg lengths onto your quad that it requires, and then try to come up with rough, biomechanically-inspired values for your constraint weights such that your quad feet wind up near the same elevation as your Humanoid core’s feet when you enter the Humanoid sit position. If you do this your end result will be PRETTY DARN GOOD at standing and bending/dancing heights, but it WILL get squirrelly as you approach crouch. That’s just the way it is; in fact I recommend replacing the prone and crouch animation blendtrees with the standing ones. While this tutorial will generate an avatar that crouches and crawls around prone okay/amusingly, you do get sent into the floor in crouch/prone and there simply isn’t anything to be done about it. 

There is also NO WAY to migrate rotation constraints from one avatar to another. You can copy a fully-constrained avatar and hot-swap in your own edited mesh, but you (basically) CAN’T EDIT bones in an already-constrained armature without turning it all into spaghetti. 

**

ONE.

You need a working, full-body-tracking compatible biped skeleton to start with. But... there aren’t any out there (that I’m aware of) to start with, so I recommend scaling up a meta-human out of the Rigify add-on for Blender... here’s a guy walking you through that bit of it: https://youtu.be/DS885Sk1gSs?t=30 (we will not be making an “animation rig,” we are just getting a human-shaped Armature into the project with almost all of its bones named correctly already. So just do that part.)

TWO.

...and then deleting the face stuff, some other stuff, and the extra four non-finger hand bones out of each hand (make sure not to accidentally nuke part of your thumb, like me, because you might not notice until way later that you’ve given yourself a stumpy single-jointed thumb). You want to go from this:

To this:

I mean, I guess you could leave them, but too many useless bones will come back to bite you later if Unity decides it can’t figure your shit out and makes you drag every. single. handbone. into. the L and R hand slots yourself. Set yourself up for success and don’t skip this deletion step. Also, now’s the time to rename your hips -> spine -> chest -> neck -> head chain, since Rigify has them all as like spine01 spine02 etc.

Your penultimate guy:

THREE.

Now modify its thighs and hips as per Kung’s tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sfTEBAl8sA

Basically, for this armature in particular you need the tops of the thigh bones to be below the entire hip bone, as follows: 

AND you need the hip bone to be above the thigh bones (Rigify’s is too far back). Personally, I got good results from just grabbing my legs and scooting them backward. 

If you DON’T do this, PC people and three-point tracking people will still be able to use your avatar fine. But full-body people’s hips will jut forward in a super fucked up way. IF YOU FOLLOW THIS TUTORIAL EXACTLY and include a BEND bone, this will be a problem. IF YOU CUT CORNERS and disregard the BEND bone (and/or you choose to lock the hips out of weight painting--valid), you can skip this step. But you seriously might as well do it. 

IMPORTANT! The lengths and angles of your bones here determine, in part, the later behavior & vivacity of your finished model. I like this modified Rigify base because VRChat’s IK makes it nice and lively. If you use a different Humanoid base, like a ramrod straight turbocompatible one, or a cool but non-fullbody-compatible style one (hey, go for it! PC and three-point tracking people have rights too!) the flavor of your animations later on will be different! 

FOUR. Build your model around the head, neck, chest, spine, and hips of your inner Humanoid! Don’t hold me liable for anything that happens to you if you change the armature proportions, but based on this one time I helped a kid hook up their quad horse, you can get acceptable/interesting non-full-body-compatible behavior if you do change them (to perfectly follow your cool dragon neck or whatever). I will continue on as if you did not change them! Anyway, do your thing. If you’ve got someone else’s mesh for this step, do your best to pose it in a neutrally upright standing position, and then put the Humanoid in it like they’re the front half of a horse costume, scaling the whole rig up and down as necessary. Again, ANY CHANGES YOU MAKE TO THE PROPORTIONS OF THE HUMANOID RIG WILL CHANGE YOUR ANIMATIONS LATER, and break full-body compatibility if you go too far!  Here’s mine, see the little guy in there? Try to pick him out from the rest of the rigging:

Your head needs to be placed so it does a good job aiming its head/so you can set the view orb so you more or less see out its eyes, and your neck, chest, spine, and hips should be in its neck and forequarters, but your legs and feet DON’T have to match up with your quad forelegs or forefeet! Your quad feet can be anywhere relative to your Humanoid ones so long as your quad is in its symmetrical, neutral standing posture. 

You can see that mine are a bit in front. It’s fine.

FIVE. Parent the mesh to the armature (or uhhh is it the other way around? Whichever way around it is, do it) with empty groups. Go into your Vertex Groups panel and lock out the limbs--that’s shoulders, upper arms, forearms, hands and fingers, thighs, lower legs, feet, and toes. You want them zero and kept at zero (unless your want your arms for a taur). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG82fogtuCg WATCH THE ABOVE VIDEO IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY. :V You can run the auto weight paint from here and/or start dinking around with weight painting your quad’s neck however is most comfortable for you if you want, but you still need to

SIX.  rig your quad model! Okay, here’s the one big rule for your grounded legs (wings and funky lil extra limbs that just wave around can do whatever): 

you must leave your Rigify legs straight up and down, no angling outwards, and YOUR QUAD LIMBS MUST BE STRAIGHT UP AND DOWN, NO ANGLING OUTWARDS.  

See mine: 

You don’t have to have them all perfectly in line from the front like I do, you could have your legs be set at any widths (say, wider stance in the armature hind legs than in the Humanoid ones, if your quad has wider hips), but they HAVE to all be exactly straight up and down, just like the Humanoid legs are. I tried matching my actual gryphon limb angles like in normal rigging once, and it resulted in incorrect foot placement/limb angles when standing neutrally (because VRChat’s neutral stance is not a perfect T- or A-pose). It’s fine if they’re different heights, though--here’s a side picture where you can see that my hind legs are lots taller, and my forelegs a little taller, than those of my Humanoid core:

Okay so maybe this belongs up there under FIVE. but, since you CANNOT add any jaunty character to your quad by adding naturalistic/sideways angling in its armature, the mesh, instead, must deviate from the armature to give you the illusion of a jaunty stance, and I DO recommend doing (just a little of) this. Your bones don’t HAVE to be in the center of your mesh volumes to still work okay, especially when they’re only serving as relatively-restricted legs (knees don’t twist, and neither do a bunch of quad bones driven by them). So, feel free to “pose” your quad legs in an interesting way around their upright bones, especially when it comes to giving your hind legs a different character from your front ones. Otherwise it’ll be way more obvious they’re rigidly linked, despite their different proportions. I recommend angling the apparent set of your hind legs out just a little, so your hind feet seem to be set wider than your front ones.

Not only does this help give each set of your legs its own character, to help with the illusion that they’re actuating totally differently, and that these are definitely your own original character do not steal’s full custom animations and not VRChat’s default ones--but your back legs are going to be operating the reverse of your front legs. This means that when the wearer adopts a wide stance, with their feet well apart from each other (as in many dances), YOUR BACK LEGS WILL CROSS. The amount of space I left between my gryphons’ hind legs, above, accommodates the normal amount of moving around that people do pretty well, but be advised that making a beautiful character with its hind legs neatly, narrowly posed might hit you with some heartbreak later! (You could get around this by instead rigging your quad to have its forelegs be the reversed ones, but this might be a little disconcerting for a fullbody wearer; or you could give yourself a “pacing” gait, where both your front and back left legs step forward at once, but this is a glaringly visible design choice for the kinds of people who notice these things. If you do this, make it a choice, not what-you-did-because-it-turned-out-you-had-no-choice.) 

(I did a bunch of bogus shit to make it so I could switch between regular locomotion and a pacing gait, but that’s outside the scope of this tutorial.)

Now, your BOB, LEVEL, and BEND bones!

BOB: Somewhere on your armature, put an unparented bone (any size) along your midline called BOB. (I put mine below my hips and called it dingle.dangle.) Ever ported a model in and left something unparented accidentally? Remember how it disconcertingly gets “left behind”? Well, we’re using that phenomenon to our advantage! BOB will be our rotation reference bone for LEVEL and BEND. 

LEVEL: So, LEVEL. Your quad’s back/torso should be/have one big bone coming out of the back of your Humanoid hips, call it LEVEL. It should be the parent for all your quad’s limbs, except for anything you have coming out of the head or neck (idk, whiskers, chinwings, whatever).

BEND: BEND is optional, but recommended; a bone that also sticks out the back of your hips, and stretches out more or less to the end of your ribcage, maybe to the middle-ish of your ribcage. Mine is parallel to the floor but that doesn’t matter much, and weighted at around strength .4 to the ribcage behind my shoulders, a little bit of the back of my shoulders where they meet my body, and tapering off towards my waist. Basically when you wiggle this bone up and down, it should arch and bow your back a little bit, over the top of your other weight paints, in whatever way is visually acceptable to you. Mine does this:

SEVEN.

Now, into Unity. Navigating Unity is mostly beyond the scope of this tutorial, but if you can add a VRC Avatar Descriptor, you can add a rotation constraint. It works the same, you just go find the bone (”transform”) in the hierarchy that you want and add a rotation constraint component to it. 

So, get your .fbx out of Blender and into your Assets folder or whatever. Click on it and go to Import Settings, set it as Humanoid, apply, configure. Pick out and add all the bones of your Humanoid armature to the Humanoid panel (if it hasn’t autopopulated--it might!), reset your pose and then enforce T-pose if necessary, delete the reference to Jaw, put Chest in and make sure there’s no Upper Chest, etc., all the usual things. You should see a little green T-posing person in the forequarters of your quad! Hit Done and you’re done. (Look up ordinary VRChat avatar 3.0 import tutorials if you’re having trouble with this step; you’re Humanoid at this point already, same as anybody). Now drag your newly-confirmed-for-Humanoid .fbx into your scene. Open up its hierarchy and look for the LEVEL bone; it should be under hips. Put a rotation constraint on this bone (click on it, Add Component button, search “rotation” or “constraint,” pick Rotation Constraint). Click the little plus to add a target, and drag BOB in there from the hierarchy. Leave the strength 1 above and 1 below (the 1 below will always be left alone at 1 unless specified otherwise), and click Activate. There! You did it! Now your whole entire ass won’t wave around!! You can hop right in and Test Avatar if you want--your head and neck will be the only things that move while your legs will all be stiff like a piñata, but by god, your back will be staying level. Try crouching and going prone!

Enjoy this first, sweet taste of quad success if you’ve gotten this far, because there are many, many ways to screw the rest of this process up, and even with me guiding you, you might find some brand new ones. Applying a rotation constraint correctly is as easy as above, but here are some pitfalls: if you move any bones in Unity with active constraints on them, or bones upstream of an active constraint, they get fucked up. If you activate a constraint on a bone that’s been moved, moving the bone back afterwards will fuck the constraint up. LEAVE YOUR MODEL IN ITS DEFAULT POSE AT ALL TIMES, UNLESS YOU’VE MADE SURE TO SWITCH TO GAME MODE. (Sometimes you get lucky and you can rescue a ruined bone by deactivating its constraint and then going to Modified Component -> Revert on the transform itself. But don’t count on it.)

If you change any values within a constraint while it is active, it gets fucked up. Uncheck “Is Active” before modifying any constraint!

But wait, there’s more! If you hot-swap your model (minimize Unity, open Blender, do edits, export your new .fbx, delete your old .fbx in the save dialog and replace it with your new .fbx, WAIT A FEW SECONDS because opening Unity in the middle of the hotswap borks everything, maximize Unity, it thinks for a second, then accepts your new model while hey presto preserving your rotation constraints), AFTER ARMATURE EDITS, so, again, if yo-- if you--*about to sneeze voice*--

If you hot-swap your model after armature edits, the whole thing can get fucked up and you might have to re-apply all your rotation constraints again. 

hhhhh that’s better. Now, you MAY hot-swap your model after wholesale bone additions and deletions, but rotation-constrained armatures lose their tiny minds if you change constrained bone lengths, positions, or angles!

Moving on! You just did LEVEL, now let’s do BEND.

BEND is constrained at .5 strength to BOB. Add a rotation constraint to BEND, set the strength to .5, hit the plus, drag in BOB. (Dial your reflexes in on this sequence because you are going to be doing it a lot.) The purpose of BEND is to bring a little life to your otherwise ramrod-stiff quad spine; you can experiment with strengths (of weight paint, of constraint weight, of bone length) but I recommend you try copying me to start. So that’s: BEND, a bone sticking out to about the end of your ribcage, weight painted at .4 or so to your ribcage and gradienting smoothly away, constrained to your unparented bone BOB at .5 strength (waving around without any constraint put too much wiggle in my gryphon). 

BOB, LEVEL, and BEND are the major engines behind my quad rigging giving an acceptable effect! You don’t need to throw $90 at Final IK if you’ve got some time on your hands and BOB, LEVEL, and BEND. :)

Now for ALL THE REST OF YOUR LIMBS!

A note before we begin. Unity rotation constraints can’t ever go past 1:1, that is, there is no way to “amplify” a motion to make it a bigger one. You can only approach parity with the reference motion, never exceed it. The clearest example I can think of is a tail. My tail is six bones, and I thought I could constrain each one to the head at .1 and they’d “stack” and make it so a small motion of my head would put an attractive curl in my tail. Lol, nope. The first one rotated the tail .1, the ones that followed each inherited that .1 rotation from their parent and had their constraints satisfied, and did nothing, and I had a tail that barely moved at all. (Blender’s bone constraints work differently and allow this kind of amplification; you can also test things out in there, but I could never figure out which settings would give me Unity-like behavior.) So, with that in mind, bring up a gait cycle of your target animal. If a video is too confusing, look for some static images (like an animator’s gait cycle) that show the gait. Try to see which bones rotate the most, and which rotate noticeably less. Use this to inform your constraint weight values later. If you picked a static image, you can even measure the rotations throughout the cycle to see which move most and least! I don’t know enough to use exactly specific language here, so, to the extreme literalists in my audience.... sorry about what I just said. If you find your ability to magically pick up on what I mean is poor, I’ll just give you my gryphon numbers later! Or you could just try some stuff, like having every bone at max strength & seeing what happens, and then picking just one to turn down to .5 strength and testing again. That should clarify the concept for you quickly.

Alternatively, the quick-and-dirty “I’m NOT HERE to acquire any sensitivities I don’t ALREADY HAVE” test is to just try to get your quad feet as close as possible to your biped feet’s level/height when the biped thigh is picked up to 90 degrees and the shin hangs straight down (the “sit position”).  Here’s how mine do:

Now, that’s half of the challenge, noticing which bones in the legs ought to be more or less responsive, and then roughing out an idea of the relative weights/responsivities each leg bone needs to make that happen, deciding which bones are liveliest and should be set at or near 1 and which are stiffest, or least active, and should go around .5 (you might even dip to .3). But (you might scream) what are you weighting these guys RELATIVE to? What are their TARGETS? Well!

...I’m not going to try to explain this. I’ve confused everybody every time I’ve tried. :p Just start with the shoulder constrained to the thigh, then the next bone down to the shin, then the NEXT bone down to the thigh again, then the shin again, and so on (thigh shin thigh shin thigh shin). This will get you 98% of the way there because most of the bones in a tetrapod leg-chain operate in simple opposition to each other. Basically, by rotating the shoulder like the thigh, when you raise your leg, your quad will start to raise its shoulder. By having the next bone rotate like your shin, and then continuing the pattern after, contracting your knee will make your quad contract its whole leg. This breaks down a little at the paw-and-toes, or the distal complexities of the horse, but just start with this pattern by rote. Then test it, and if one of the bones is obviously backwards, swap its target to the other one and test it again.

Last concept: if you have two bones in a row weighted to the same thing (like where you’ve got two bones that do not work in opposition to each other), the second one needs to have a bigger weight to the target than its parent. Because it inherits the parent’s rotation, and then only adds whatever amount that’s bigger. So, for my forepaw, I have it at .5 to the shin, and then the toes are at 1 to the shin. The whole paw acts as a shin-unit, but weighting the hand less than the toes allows the toes a little of their own flair. :v

(Okay that was a third-grade-biology-textbook lie. I actually have my upper paw .5 to the shin and my toes/beans at 1 to the foot. I might have a little bit of weight to the foot in the upper hand/palm part of my eagle foreclaws too. But I don’t recommend you add any weighting to the foot until you’ve got a good baseline result with just weights to the thigh and shin!!!!! The foot does things that you might find confusing and upsetting and which can introduce a LOT of incorrect limb placement/clipping, especially the further up the chain you allow it to interfere; it should be used sparingly or (as in my hind legs) not at all.)

Finally, the more your bone lengths and angles resemble your target animal’s (use a skeletal reference!), and the better you are at deciding which bones should respond a lot (and be weighted with high values) and which should respond less (and be weighted with lower ones), the more visual interest and species-specific character your quad avatar will have! You can see my gryphon’s rig above; here are its constraint values (where I go LR to LR, the left bits of the Humanoid control the left bits of the quad; where I go LR to RL, the left bits of the Humanoid control the right bits of the quad):

Back: LEVEL: 1 to BOB BEND: .5 to BOB Wings: upper_arm.LR.001: .5 to upper_arm.LR forearm.LR.001: .5 to (forearm.LR .5, hand.LR .5) hand.LR.001: .5 to hand.LR Hindlegs (targeted to the OPPOSITE side human legs): thigh.LR.002: .7 to thigh.RL shin.LR.002: .6 to shin.RL foot.LR.002: .9 to thigh.RL toe.LR.002: .7 to shin.LR Forelegs - EAGLE: thigh.LR.001: .7 to thigh.LR shin.LR.001: .8 to shin.LR foot.LR.001: 1 to thigh.LR toe.LR.001: .5 to (shin.LR 1, foot.LR 1) toe.LR.003,5,6: 1 to shin.LR toe.LR.004: 1 to thigh.LR Forelegs - LION: thigh.LR.001: 1 to thigh.LR shin.LR.001: .5 to shin.LR foot.LR.001: 1 to thigh.LR toe.LR.001: .5 to shin.LR toe.LR.005: 1 to foot.LR Tail: tail.001: .5 .5 to head tail.002: .6 .6 to head, etc. ***

REITERATION OF IMPORTANT PROTIP: Again, the quick and dirty test of your targets and values is to switch to Game mode and hike your Humanoid’s leg up so the thigh is parallel to the floor and the shin’s straight down (the sit position). Does your quad also hike its leg up, so its foot is in the neighborhood of your Humanoid’s foot level? Are all of your bones bending the right way? (Any that aren’t need their target switched to the other kind of leg bone.) If your quad is more or less “also contracting its leg so now it’s up,” then you’re either finished, or really really close!! If your quad daintily raises up its lil’ ol’ leggy for you, test your gait in-game and decide whether it has the right “feel”. If one of the bones is too stiff or too crazy relative to your reference animal’s style of motion, change its value so it behaves better, and hang the sitpose test. People mostly spend time standing, anyway, and your quad will likely look great standing and moving around even if it doesn’t do well at the sit test. 

[bubblesuga]

Oblivious To Adoration - 2 (m)

Summary: After an intense night of drunken sex, Jungkook realizes he wants more. When he suggests an idea to you, you were shocked. However, who were you to say no to Mr. Jeon Jungkook?

W/C: 3,118

Prev Part - Next Part 

Warnings: car sex, unprotected sex, slight exhibitionism 

Sleeping beside Jungkook was more comfortable than you thought. 

You had always known him as this muscular guy, so the thought of properly cuddling with him had never crossed your mind. That is, until you fell asleep last night when you definitely weren’t supposed to.

It was just so warm in his arms, your bare chest against his side while light snores left your mouth. Jungkook woke before you, glancing at the clock with a small sigh. Throughout the night he hadn’t let go of you at all, which was surprising to him because he was always one to want to sleep on his own. 

“(Y/N)?” Jungkook’s voice was soft, almost as if he was speaking to a baby. 

You stirred momentarily in your sleep, and Jungkook couldn’t help but push a strand of hair from your face. It was like his hand had a mind of it’s own, and all he could do was watch while he stroked your hair. 

Leaning down to your level, images of last night flashed through his mind. Pressing a kiss to the tip of your nose, he giggled at the contrast of this kiss compared to the ones from last night. He watched your eyelids flutter at the sound, so he quickly covered his mouth in an attempt to watch you sleep just a little bit longer. 

Your chest heaved as you inhaled, signaling your wake. Softly, your eyes opened to see Jungkook watching you with hooded lids. 

“You did so well last night,” he praises, the words being a welcoming first sentence for you, “you’re so amazing.” 

He leans forward to press a kiss to you and you immediately kiss back, remnants of the night before on his tongue still. Jungkook growls when you drop your hand between the two of you, your fingers skimming the tip of his member and feeling it twitch beneath you. Even when he was soft he was still so big. 

“Baby-” Jungkook chokes into the kiss as you grip the base of his cock, “s- stop. I have to work soon.” 

You immediately let go of him, pulling away from the kiss with a blush on your lips, “I’m sorry, you kissed me so I thought-” 

“I just wanted to kiss you,” Jungkook leans forward again, his lips brushing against yours, “sometimes I want to kiss you without fucking you.” 

“Oh.” Your blush deepens, embarrassment flooding you. Jungkook chuckled at your rosy cheeks, his thumbs brushing them. He stands after a moment, slipping on his boxers with his half-hard on, giving you a playful glare once you noticed it. 

You were confused by the kiss, your mind immediately racing with thoughts about how you weren’t 100% sure what being friends with benefits entailed. You thought it was mindless sex, nothing more and nothing less. His tongue intertwining with yours only when the two of you needed to get off, but what he just did to you seemed so domestic. It was dangerously close to approaching relationship-like tendencies and you had to put a stop to as soon as you possibly could. 

“I’ll get you some water,” he rolls his neck, stretching away the sleep, “you probably need it after last night.” 

Sending you a wink, he opens his bedroom door and pads down the hallway, into the kitchen. Whistling some song he heard on the loud speaker at work a few days ago, he couldn’t help the pep in his step. 

It was definitely one of his happiest moments in a while, especially while he watched you come undone above him in one of the most erotically delicious scenes he had ever seen. He only thought this sort of stuff happened in the movies, but you proved him wrong in one night with your goddess like figure and the moan of his name. He was glad that he had the place to himself because he had no clue what he would have done had Taehyung been home. There’s no way he could have kept quiet. 

So, when he placed the jug of filtered water back into the fridge and turned around, he jumped to see Taehyung standing in the doorway of the kitchen, an eyebrow raised and a knowing smirk on his lips. 

“T- Tae! When did you get home?” Jungkook stutters, scratching the back of his neck nervously. 

“Just got in, what’ya go there?” Taehyung moves to lean against the doorway, his tongue in his cheek while his smirk grew. He gestures towards the two cups filled with water, causing Jungkook to whip his head towards it. 

“Nothing! You know me, always so thirsty.” he lets out an awkward chuckle, picking up one of the cups and downing the water in a few gulps. 

Taehyung takes in his friends panicked state, “You got laid didn’t you? Who with? Can I meet her?” 

Jungkook looks up with wide eyes, shaking his head incessantly, “No fucking way, dude. There’s no way you will ever meet her.” 

“Ah, so you did get laid?” 

Jungkook’s face reddens, his ears heating up at the possibility of Taehyung finding out that Jungkook was boning his best friend. Taehyung gave him a pat on the shoulder, a chuckle leaving his lips, “Is this your attempt to get over your crush on (Y/N)?” 

Jungkook choked, covering his mouth in an attempt to hide his shock but he knew that Taehyung had already seen his reaction.

He knew that Taehyung was well aware of his crush on you, especially since he wouldn’t stop talking about that night. Since everyone knew what had happened, he had no problem mentioning about how it was one of the best nights of his life. Even if Yoongi was upset by the fact that his bed had been taken over by you and Jungkook, he still had no regrets. However, you seemed insistent on keeping this a secret so Jungkook knew he couldn’t just come out and say ‘ah, no. (Y/N) is in my bed right now and we just had a full night of wild-’ 

“Earth to Kook?” Taehyung waves his hand in front of Jungkook’s face, breaking Jungkook out of his stare. 

“Huh? Oh- yeah, I figured it’s just best to get her off of my mind so I brought home a girl from the bar,” Jungkook shrugged, his ability to lie even surprising himself, “so I’m gonna get back to her. Holler if you need anything but don’t come in my room.” 

Taehyung puts his hands up in surrender, “You got it, don’t need to worry about me. I respect the sock on the door.” 

Jungkook gives a small nod to his roommate, shakily walking back to his room with now only one glass of water and a whole lot of nerves. 

“Took you long enough,” you were dressed now, your hair brushed and thrown up into a bun, “thank you.” You grin, taking the glass of water. 

You notice Jungkook’s expression, raising an eyebrow while you swallowed your drink, “you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

Jungkook sits on the bed, his head falling into his hands. A frustrated sigh falls from his lips. There was nothing more he wanted to do than tell his roommate what was going on but he’s trying desperately to respect your wishes. 

“Taehyung’s home,” Jungkook looks up, biting his lip, “I don’t know how to get you out of here.” 

“What?” You hiss, your voice dropping significantly in volume, your heartbeat rushing to the tips of your fingers while anxiety overcame your every being, “how the fuck am I supposed to-” 

“Whoa, okay,” Jungkook jumps up, rubbing his hands up and down your arms comfortingly, “we’re gonna sneak you out. You just have to be quiet and make sure Taehyung doesn’t hear your voice.” 

You nod. Obviously this was the safest bet, not that you were expecting some elaborate plan to sneak you out of the window or anything like that. However, knowing Jungkook that was probably the first thing to go through his mind. 

Carefully, Jungkook pulls you in for one last kiss, before slowly opening his bedroom door and taking a peak to see where Taehyung might me. 

Hearing the menu sound for PUBG from his bedroom, Jungkook lets out a little sigh of relief and holds your hand tight in his. You ignored the fire that ignited in your lower half at the pressure, tip toeing passed Taehyung’s room and successfully making it to the front door. 

As you step through the threshold, you let go of Jungkook’s hand and turn around with a sigh. 

There it was again, you remembered it well from the last time. The awkward way to say goodbye, you weren’t sure whether it be a hug or a kiss. Something about the way he was look at you, his hair still disheveled from last night and the soft smile stretched across his lips made him look so inviting. 

Just as you were about to lean forward, Jungkook licking his lips in the process, you both pull away as quickly as you moved in once you heard Taehyung’s door squeak open. 

“Oh shit,” Taehyung laughs, and your blood runs cold for a moment before he speaks again, “the irony of (Y/N) interrupting your hook up, huh Kookie?”

“Ahaha,” you lean around Jungkook’s shoulder, “I didn’t know you had a girl in there, Jungkookie. Next time let me know and I won’t swing by.” 

Jungkook’s jaw drops momentarily before he turns around, looking directly at Taehyung. His eyebrows raise for a moment, “U- unless, (Y/N) was the girl in your bed last night.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Hyung,” Jungkook waves him off, turning back to you, “I’ll see you for movie night. Bye.” 

Then the door was shut in your face, the dark wooden panels greeting you much like they did when you showed up last night. 

~*~*~

It’s been a couple weeks since you last saw Jungkook. 

With differing schedules, it had been difficult for you to meet up in any way. Aforementioned movie night was cancelled and you began to worry that Jungkook was regretting his decision with you. 

His text messages were sparse and you only managed to call him once or twice with him actually picking up. Taehyung responded to you more than Jungkook did, mostly explaining that he’s been picking up extra shifts or that his boss scheduled him oddly. 

So, you wake up one morning and groan. Still no texts from Jungkook, so you decide to take your ass to his job. 

Sitting in the booth, the hostess of the restaurant went on to sit you in Jungkook’s section. She knew you around here, especially since Jungkook wouldn’t stop talking about you from the moment he met you. 

You spot Jungkook on the other side of the dining room, so you wait patiently for him to walk over to your table. 

When he finally makes eye contact with you, he grins. Quickly, he makes his way over to you and sits across from you in the booth. 

His white button up and black apron was fitted against his abdomen, different from his usual baggy clothing. You liked the look on him, especially with the shirt tucked into his black slacks. For a moment, you forgot why you showed up in the first place. 

“What’s going on?” Jungkook questions, his grin growing when he notices your eyes trailing up and down his neck. 

“I just haven’t heard from you in a while, was wondering if you were upset with me or something.” You were suddenly shy, crossing your legs beneath the table. You couldn’t line your thoughts up to accurately say what you were feeling, or why you were so upset that you hadn’t heard from Jungkook in so long. 

“Upset with you? No, honey-” Jungkook shuts his eyes and sighs, your blood running cold at the adoring nickname, “(Y/N), I’ve just been working a lot. Believe me, there’s been nothing more that I wanted to do than see you.”

Feeling your mouth go dry, you attempt to swallow. Of course he was working a lot, it’s summer and Jungkook was a university student. He isn’t necessarily on the richer side of the spectrum. 

“I’m sorry, this was stupid.” You begin to get up from your seat but Jungkook quickly grabs your wrist, pulling you back down gently. 

“No it’s not stupid,” Jungkook speaks softly, his hand moving to hold yours, “if we’re going to make this work, we need to be able to communicate. All our issues and feelings.” 

“Do you have any issues with this?” This was much different to what you were feeling before about this arrangement. Now that you had gone without him for a while, you didn’t want it to end. 

“No, none at all-” Jungkook’s hand tightens around yours, “I’m off once this last table pays. Wait for me, I’ll drive you home and we can talk.” 

He rushes back towards the last table and checks them out, thanking them for coming and holding up a finger to you, gesturing for one more minute. 

It doesn’t take him long to clock out, and he’s walking back out towards you with his button up exchanged for a too-big-for-him grey shirt and sandals. Standing, you slip your bag on your shoulder and follow Jungkook out the restaurant. 

“Anyway,” Jungkook starts once he’s backed out of the parking lot, “I have absolutely no problems with any of what’s going on. But if you do I’d prefer you tell me sooner rather than later.” 

“If I’m coming to you and asking you if you have any issues, what makes you think I do?” You raise a brow, watching him down shift on the gear of his bucket car. You told him it’d be better to invest in a decent car rather than a nicer apartment but he insisted that he loved this hunk of junk. 

“Dunno,” Jungkook shrugs, “I’ve been worried you haven’t been... enjoying it as much as I have.” 

“Oh, Kookie,” you laugh, “I’ve been enjoying it more than you know.” 

“Good, good.” Jungkook grins, pulling up to a stop light and biting his bottom lip. He looks over to you, moving his hand from the gearshift to your thigh, squeezing. 

Immediately you gasp, looking down at the way his large hand gripped your thigh. “What’re you-” you cut yourself off with another gasp and feel Jungkook’s hand dip beneath your skirt, rubbing soft circles over the fabric of your underwear. 

Your hands fly to his wrist, “Jungkook!” You squeal, nearly turning into jelly once you felt him dip his fingers into your underwear and press hard into your clit. 

“What, baby? Tell me what you want.” He teases, looking over to you with dark eyes. In turn, you toss your head back and let out a loud moan. Completely forgetting that everyone in the cars beside you could see you, your back arched off the back of the street while Jungkook’s pace quickened. 

It all ended too soon when Jungkook heard a honk from behind him, seeing the green light and pulling his hand away to downshift. You catch your breath to the best of your ability, looking down to see your arousal on Jungkook’s tattooed fingers. 

“You can’t do that to me.” You groan, your own hand flying down to cup your sex in a sad attempt to ease the pressure. 

“Do what?” Jungkook’s eyes were on the road, his middle and ring finger between his lips and sucking off your arousal. You bite your lip, “Kookie, please.” 

“What? What do you want?” Jungkook’s voice had a certain husk to it that only happened when he wanted to be deep inside of you. 

“Pull over, I need you.” 

Jungkook didn’t need to be told twice. 

Pressing on the gas, he pulls into the parking lot of your apartment complex. He reaches over and unbuckles your seat belt, leaning his seat back and pulling you over. 

You look around quickly to see the parking lot mostly empty, the grinding your hips down on top of his in an attempt to get him as hard as possible. 

“Come on darling, we don’t have time to fuck around.” Jungkook says in your ear, pulling you down to his lips and kissing you hard. He reaches between you and slides your panties to the side, sliding a finger between your folds and collecting your wetness. 

As you reach between him, you lean back against the steering wheel and accidentally press the horn. The beep makes you jump forward and Jungkook begins to laugh. 

You giggle with him, capturing him in a kiss again and reaching for his zipper. 

It didn’t take long for him to slip inside of you, an appreciative groan falling from his lips. “It’s been too fucking long.” 

“Oh yeah?” You lift yourself up and slide back down again, “and whose fault was that?” 

“Shut up,” Jungkook laughs, his fingertips digging into your hips, “not my fault my boss is scheduling me so much.” 

“Stop talking.” You moan, sinking your teeth into his neck. Feeling yourself sink onto him deeply, you remembered just how well he filled you up. It was almost like he was meant to be inside of you, and there was nobody else you ever wanted to be in this position with again. 

Jungkook’s hands begin to move up and down your sides, “I’m close baby.” 

You begin to move your hips faster, Jungkook latching his lips onto your collarbones and biting down. You moan loudly, feeling yourself clench around Jungkook. 

“Come for me.” Jungkook encourages, his thumb rubbing figure 8′s on your clit, and then you felt your release unlatch. Your vision goes white and you hear Jungkook yell your name, following your orgasm with his own and shooting white hot strings of cum painting your insides. 

You still on top of him, your legs shaking with the aftermath. Your head falls onto his shoulder, Jungkook’s arms pulling you as closely to him as possible.

You two stay like that for a few moments, both of you catching your breath. You pull away to move your lips to his and kissing him hard. Jungkook pulls your bottom lip between his teeth, still reeling from the sensitivity of his release. Though he was softening inside of you, he didn’t ever want to leave. 

Suddenly you hear a knock on the window, and you jump away from him, bumping the horn again. 

You and Jungkook whip your heads towards the window and you spot Namjoon, who leaned down to look into the car. He holds a smirk on his face and he waves, before walking towards the buildings. 

[curlymantis]

aaaa pls tell me stuff abt your ocs they're all so cool!! 🥺💚

Omg I finally finished answering this!!!!! 👀👀

Farcry 5: Zoë Seed!!

Omg that’s me 😏 she was an entomologist checking out the cool insects of Hope county and unfortunately for her she doesn’t believe in private property when it comes to discovering nature. One day chosen find her trespassing on John seeds property. They think she’s a spy for the resistance as she has a camera, binoculars etc. They take her to the main church (conveniently was a Sunday) once service is over shes handed over to the father and himself and John go through her camera. They only find insect pictures and omg wow she’s not a spy. She’s indoctrinated into the cult and ends up eventually becoming John’s right hand of god 😌🙏 sinners who happen to be an extra annoyance go to her where she makes them confess in whatever way possible. Or they die in the process, whoops 💅🏻 She’s polyamorous with all of the seed siblings including Faith cos like come on now let’s be real they all crave and need loving. However she’s married to John Seed because that baby boy is everything 😤❤️ She also likes to do cult posters and help write songs and sing them cos it’s fun as hell. She is closest with John and Faith Seed specifically out of the 4 Seeds. Other cultists are scared of her, or is it respect? Hmm who knows 😌 She also tortures sinners for fun and chases them around the forest making them as shit scared as possible. Oops 😏

The Magnus Archives: is my oc who is an Avatar of the eye and Rayn Porter is my oc who a avatar of the corruption. They both have the same last name as they are both the same person just if they had gone down different entity routes in their life. I’ll talk about Rose first! (I also have an avatar of the flesh and the vast but I haven’t worked on them yet or got them ‘fully fleshed out’ 😏

Rose Porter: avatar of the Eye, marked by the stranger, the spiral and the vast.

From an early age Rose always felt the need to watch people, to know, to understand. As she got older these feelings only became stronger and she begins to stalk people, not because she finds that person special for any particular reason they just happened to look to long at her and she saw them doing so. That just sets something off In her so now they must be followed, acknowledged, understood and scrutinised (me self projecting right into my ocs 😌). She found the Magnus institute one day as she started stalking Rosie. when she had seen the woman walking into a large glorious building she knew something was off, like the itching feeling you get, the feeling in your gut, the sensation of something important. She did not know what had over come her to walk in the building so quickly as that would ruin her chances of learning further about this person who dared make her feel so uncomfortable. But there she was. She was hired immediately of course as a librarian, then moving on the be an archival assistant, shocking to her. But obviously not to Elias Bouchard who knew just how useful her alignment to his almighty beholder. To say she had a crush on him would be an understatement. She can’t explain it. Some would call infatuation, some would call it chemistry, but smart ones say it’s because they are both devotees to the eye and she is in so much deeper than she has ever anticipated or even realises 👀

Rayn Porter: avatar of the corruption, marked by the flesh, the lonely and the stranger.

Rayn despises people (same queen 🙄) they put animals on a higher level of respect than humans. The corruption took ahold of them as a young child, they would always follow and play with cockroaches as a child. However their mother was to say the least an unempathetic, transphobic and cruel woman to say the least. Rayn was raised in a household full of scrutiny, hate and fear. Because of this had very little friends as the only social interaction they knew was their bitch ass mother they turned to the ‘pests’ of their home. Whether these were the slugs and snails in the basement of their home, or they were the cockroaches, house centipedes and rats that dwelled in their attic. They loved and appreciated them all, but their was still something deeper to it. A deep rot had started to form in Rayn and they hated their mother and family. They hated them for how they had cast them aside for not being female, they hated them for all the mistreatment they had faced as a child. The rot started small, a odd old smell that started to lurk around Rayn. Eventually others would notice the smell but would shrug it off as the smell would soon be covered by the smell of Rayns chain smoking. Then one day Rayn was staring in mirror poking at their face and squeezing. They found a sore on her face and squeezed it, pus comes out but something moves underneath. They squeeze harder and something wriggles forth, it’s a very small, juvenile cockroach, streaked slightly in something slimey. As you can imagine that fucked them up a bit, but they learnt to embrace it. Learnt to love that crawling away just underneath their skin are thousands of little legs connected to cockroach’s of many sizes. Sometimes if not managed roaches will find themselves sneaking out of nostrils, mouth and ears. Sometimes even out from behind her eyes. One way they feed the corruption is they set forth the filth at a selected location. All it takes is for them to place a cockroach down in a building and within a week there will be a infestation so strong causing the people in said building to be taken down with it. The Cockroaches will feed on those that they can over power and The Corruption always needs feeding... (Also just want to add cockroaches themselves aren’t actually dirty, they’re actually obsessive cleaners. the locations they live in are dirty)

Telltale Batman- Roz Traegers:

first encounter with John Doe (the eventually to be known Joker) was at the bar he frequented. They had never once seen him drink a drop of alcohol. He would order beer constantly for his alcoholic sure but never consume it himself. Aside from his alabaster white skin nothing about him seemed out of the ordinary to them. Well except the fact he liked to stare, a lot. You would constantly worry it’s because he was just judging you based on your appearance (a lot of people do) however John just likes to stare at people and found you interesting for some reason (cliches I know, but me and John Doe are basically the same person and I like to think he’d think I’m interesting). Roz has a great dislike towards the people John works with, they don’t appreciate how badly they treat him. Especially Harley. John is so obsessed with Harley and she treats him like absolute shit. Roz had a plan to get Harley arrested, however John found out and threatened to never speak to Roz again. Roz has a soft spot for Mr Freeze specifically from the gang also.

Vampyr: Rose Pine

works as an assistant to Camellia at the florist. Rose isn’t a very chatty person and has had quite a traumatic up bringing. Her mother, sister and father are all unfortunately deceased. Her father killed her mother, then sister, then Rose, then turned the knife on himself. Rose survived her injuries (hence the scar on her throat) and was put out into the adoption system. Roses father believed he had been doing his family a service by taking their lives before they could be claimed by Ekons. Roses father had been a vampire believer long before they had even breeched the city. Rose always waves hello to Jonathan Reid when she sees him galavanting around. He always waves back and occasionally they will exchange a conversation. One evening they exchange more than just brief chit chat when Jonathan is required to save her from a group of feral Skals. Rose is very badly injured from her encounter and Jonathan ends up having to change the sweet little florist he sees most evenings into a Ekon. Rose is also good friends with Charlotte Ashbury and Charlottes mother Elisabeth. I haven’t played Vampyr in a wee while, I want to get back into it soon so plan on adding more to her story.

Outlast: Rosie Porter

Rosie worked as a live in psychiatrist for those at mount massive asylum. She lives on the premises that way patient can be attended to at any time. Her experiences throughout life gives her empathy for those that are locked up, that the other guards and majority of other staff just don’t have. Rosie has always been able to empathise with those who would be considered ‘evil’ whether she empathised out of her own sick fascination or because of her heart hurting too much is another question. Rosies favourite patients are Eddie Gluskin and Chris Walker. She was hired after Jeremy Blaire forcibly admitted Chris Walker. Rosie is enamoured with Eddie and he knows it. Knows he has his little psychologist wrapped around his finger. However Eddie would be a hypocrite if he said he also wasn’t wrapped around her finger. Rosie is forcibly committed to the asylum by Jeremy Blaire they start Project Walrider on the patients. Rosie was against it and threatened to blow the whistle on the whole thing (dumb idea) and Jeremy uses her as the first female Walrider test subject. Rosie has engaged in an affair with her boss Jeremy Blaire when she first started working there. Due to their past ‘hands on’ relationship, Rosie is allowed more time with her patients and allowed to be alone with her patients. This has allowed for her to further her work with her patients, as they’re quite open when the know they aren’t being openly judged by the security staff.

Hannibal: Jessi Trees

is a forensic entomologist who works alongside Beverly, Jimmy and Brian analysing dead people n shit. Jessi first met Will Graham on the scene of a crime when they had both been called out. It was the mushroom killer from memory as the soil was packed with invertebrates filled with evidence. Will has just finished doing his whole ‘this is my design’ when Jessi walks up to him and stands quietly beside him, where they say: “These fuckers are filled with worms and I don’t know shit about worms” Will Graham turns and looks at them like what the fuck? Those are dead people. Jessi merely shrugs, smirks and walks off. Jessi can be described by a lot of people as ‘a cold person’ or ‘indifferent’ but passionate. They dehumanise the corpses they’re working with at that’s the only way they can get justice for them. If they get too caught up in all the sadness of it, they can’t move forward from it. Jessi has a crush on Will Graham and Beverly Katz. Jessi questions Will and Hannibals relationship quietly from the background but never really comments.

Bonus character!! Stardew Valley: Zoë

This bad ass came all the way from Zuzu city in need of a better and different life. They inherit their grandfathers old farm and get it up and running. The town is filled with wonderful, amazing people. But of course Zoë has to want to become close friends with the person who hates me everyone: Shane (they’re kindred spirits, Shane isn’t aware of this however because he seems to think he’s the only person who can suffer from substance abuse and sever depression haha.) Shane hates them of course until they keep harassing him and he reasilizes she’s a lot more screwed up than he was aware. Zoë is close friends with Shane (ends up marrying him one day), Linus (I would fucking die for him and anyone who’s cruel to him gets my foot in the butthole), Leah (they hang out frequently and like to paint in the forest together), Emily (I have a massive crush on Emily haha, she’s so similar to me it’s great), is also friends with Sam’s dad and Jodis husband Kent (Kent suffers from PTSD and I’ve developed a lot of my own techniques to help with my own PTSD so we help each other out. Also Jodi I’m stealing your husband, just kidding, unless). Zoë’s favourite animals on her farm are her blue chickens (raised by Shane) and her horse Aaron. Zoë’s favourite yearly event is the moonlight jellies festival!

[harryandmolly]

fear and loathing in mandeville canyon *5*

summary: Shawn & Lilly, derailed, detoured, but maybe not destroyed

warnings: language, NSFW (unprotected sex), The Reckoning pt. 1 (this warning brought to you by Georgie Kingston)

wc: 4.7k

------------

“Wow.”

“Yeah, wow. I mean… wow.”

“I know, right?”

Shawn and Lilly are sitting up in Lilly’s bed, her sheets pooled around their naked hips. Her phone sits between them, glowing the only light in the room. Her home screen is a picture of Lauren dressed as the Statue of Liberty from Halloween in college.

At first when Lilly checked the time, she was sure it said 5:04 PM. But given the time of year, it was too dark for that to be true. Shawn stirred and they inspected it together, equally bewildered. 

5:04 AM. They slept for a clean 14 hours. By the way they each stretch and groan, neither of them moved a muscle the whole time. Lilly feels like she’s at the brink of atrophy, with a comfortable soreness between her legs. 

She looks over at Shawn. He’s bleary-eyed, extra flushed from all the body heat they produce in the same bed together, with pillow marks on his cheeks and chest. Lilly has a mark across her side from the weight of his arm. It’s like they’ve been asleep for years.

Lilly lets her phone screen go dark. Dawn isn’t coming for a while. They’re alone. Their breathing syncs. Shawn yawns. Lilly follows. The quiet aches.

She reaches over to her nightstand and flicks on the lamp. The orange glow is made warmer than usual with his big brown eyes watching her. It’s different, though, than it has been. He’s not watching her like one of them is impersonating a dog in an ASPCA commercial. It’s curious and gentle, but there’s a confidence there, too. It seems she’s missed it.

“Hello there,” she sighs, coming down onto one folded arm on her side. He follows, mirroring her.

“Hi.”

She’s quiet for a few moments, looking him over. He squirms a little under her gaze.

“Thanks for shaving the gross facial hair.”

The corner of his mouth lifts. “No problem. My mum made it pretty clear that she was going to ask me to shave it every time I FaceTimed her, so it was just delaying the inevitable.”

Lilly’s brows lift. “Did you like the gross facial hair?”

Shawn chuckles. “No. I guess I was just curious. I don’t really get to try shit like that most of the time. So.”

She nods, continuing her inspection, as though she hasn’t looked at him in the weeks they’ve been in Mandeville Canyon together. She doesn’t comment on his weight or the pallor of his skin. She has no business, given the way she’s been treating her own body. She internalizes it and moves on.

Timidly, she lifts her hand through his hair. His eyes flutter shut, he nuzzles into it automatically. She feels that ache between her thighs again, more prominently this time.

“But about the hair… maybe I should cut it. If you want me to.”

Shawn’s eyes brighten. “I didn’t know you could cut hair.”

“Oh, I can’t. I mean, I haven’t yet. But I’ll watch a video, we’ll be fine.”

He hesitates only for a moment, surprising her. “Ok. Yeah. It’s probably time.”

Lilly feels an odd sensation getting out of that bed and it can’t be blamed on low blood sugar or dehydration. The writer in her feels a scene ending when Shawn pulls himself up and walks into her shower, leaving the door open when he turns on the water and inspects his hair in the mirror, along with a couple of zits. The finality is an illusion, because life isn’t so neatly told like a screenplay. Even though she feels the scene is over, she has to stand up and find a clean pair of panties and think of some search terms to find a useful hair cutting tutorial on YouTube. There’s another scene and she doesn’t know what it is yet. She doesn’t even know what she wants it to be. But there’s putting the laptop down and walking away. There’s no stopping it.

Lilly wanders into the kitchen in panties and a tank top, too preoccupied to notice the utility scissors when she opens drawers looking for them. His footsteps are house-shakingly loud as they carry him from her side of the house to neutral ground. He arrives with a towel around his waist. His hair looks even more like sad limp noodles when it’s wet. He stops in the doorway, watching her. He waits until she pulls a chair into the empty space between the breakfast table and the island, under a bright cluster of lights. He takes the invitation to sit.

He even smells warm, somehow. Lilly’s urge to lick up the rivulets of tepid water coasting over the mountains and valleys of his back is disorienting.

They watch the tutorial together on her phone. It seems a small concession to make, given what he’s putting her in charge of. He doesn’t have any specific direction to give her beyond longer on top, shorter on the sides. So she goes hunting for some inspiration.

You would think she would know better than to dive into the “Shawn Mendes” tag on Tumblr. The seizing half-hiccup, half-pseudo stroke sensation she gets from accidentally coming upon a hoard of pictures of them together is back. Lilly blames a recent lack of exposure for the completely noticeable, pity-inducing reaction. Her callous has softened. After an awkward few seconds, she pivots to Google.

“I think we’re going for… like… February 2019 hair. That was really good hair,” Lilly insists, plowing ahead, gesturing to photos of him on the red carpet at the 2019 Brit Awards.

“Yeah,” Shawn replies, “That was good hair. Maybe a little longer on the sides though. I liked what I had going, like, before quarantine.”

Lilly grumbles something under her breath about googling photos of that era over her dead body. Shawn relents.

“It’s fine, you should cut it-- just cut it however. It’s fine.”

Lilly begins by balling up a little tuft from the top of his head into a teeny bun. She stands between his legs to arrange it, making sure it’s even on both sides. His eyes remain on his feet the whole time.

She starts at the back of his neck, smoothing his curls out to decide how much to trim. Her fingers are more helpful than the comb, she soon realizes, in keeping them flat enough to judge. She begins by cutting it shorter at the base of his neck so the short curls can do the sproing thing she likes. As she moves up the back of his scalp, she leaves it longer until she hits his funny little man bun. When the silence breaks, she’s so jarred she has to ask him to repeat himself.

“I…” he clears his throat, “I think it’s time that you ask me some of those questions.”

Lilly hates that she knows him so well she doesn’t have to ask which ones. She fluffs out the back of his head with her fingers and decides it’s not completely tragic, so she moves onto his left side.

There are considerations, of course. Is her stuff in a state that she could easily pack and bail in a short time frame if he reveals himself to be dumber than originally feared? Is digging up old dirt to toss it over a wound that won’t heal really necessary?

Is it a good idea to have this conversation while she’s wielding something that could easily be used as a deadly weapon?

Lilly takes a long moment to blink and sticks her tongue out of the corner of her mouth, eyeing the way his hair wraps over the tip of his ear. She brushes it with the pad of her thumb. It reddens.

There’s a preamble in her head, one that lectures him about the absolute necessity of honesty in this situation, the futility of the exercise if he’s not willing to be completely transparent. When she notes the way his knee bobs anxiously, she stops it in its frilly-worded tracks.

She pulls curls off the side of his neck, right over the freckles she likes, and snips.

“When did it start?”

Shawn doesn’t shrink or react in any noticeable way. This isn’t a surprising question.

“I started feeling it when we were in working on Senorita. We weren’t really talking much before that. We started texting a little. It was the first time I felt anything for her since you and me started.”

Lilly sections off the hair above his ear and starts to feel herself working slower. She remembers the first time she heard about the idea of the Senorita collab when he told her over the phone. He sounded tired. Lilly was enthusiastic, knowing he and Camila had been closer before Lilly was in the picture. She felt some guilt for driving some kind of wedge between them, however unintentional. The collab seemed like a nice way to reconnect with a friend.

“The music video.”

Lilly doesn’t phrase it as a question. She doesn’t need to.

“That was when things came more… into focus. She and her ex were in the process of breaking up. I didn’t know for sure then what was going to happen. But it was the first time I thought something actually might.”

Lilly focuses on the way his hair sits above his ear, debating about how short to cut it. She recalls FaceTiming with him from rehearsals. He was so excited. He was nervous about dancing. Lilly teased him. He reminded her repeatedly that he loved her. She wonders if it was more for him to hear out loud than it was for her.

“What exactly happened between you before you broke up with me?”

Shawn flinches slightly. Lilly feels the sick pleasure of it sizzling in her fingers, imagines a tick arriving with a satisfying ping in her nonexistent column.

Shawn takes a deep breath. “It was… at one of the viewing things before the final cut of the video. We got drunk.”

Lilly’s heart slams in her chest like a fish out of water. This was a mistake.

“I knew she and Matthew were done but I asked anyway. We were… we were the last ones there and just fucking around, being goofy. I kissed her.”

Snip. Snip. Snip.

Shawn doesn’t ask to look at whether she’s defacing one of his calling cards.

“Anything else?” Lilly asks coolly, wondering if a fuck might’ve actually felt like less of a soul-deep betrayal. Doesn’t matter, probably. She still lost him.

“Not until after.”

Lilly systematically strokes her fingers through his hair as she switches over, angling to determine if the sides are even. Her stomach hurts.

“Did you tell her you were going to leave me before you did?”

She watches him swallow.

“Yes.”

Lilly remembers the image she had of her sitting in the back of a dark Uber Black, hunched over her phone, waiting outside Lilly’s house for the deed to be done.

The questions are sprouting faster than Lilly can come up with a strategy for dealing with them. She takes a weed whacker to her mind unsuccessfully.

“What did she-- how did she--”

Lilly stalls out and drops her scissored hand by her side. Shawn looks over at her patiently. He doesn’t cower or turn away or guilt her out of this line of questioning with a glance.

Lilly shakes her head and waves her not-sharp hand for him to turn his head back. She gets to work evening out the sides, pinching his strawberry-scented ringlets, making a focused effort not to yank at them.

“All the pictures… the paps, whatever. Did you consider what that would do to me?”

Shawn keeps his head forward, eyes fixed on the refrigerator at the other side of the room. He wets his lips and speaks, “I… didn’t really let myself focus on it. I told myself it wasn’t really my fault, I wasn’t the one calling them and doing all that shit we did in the beginning. I told myself it wasn’t about me and Camila, it was about the single, so anything we did to promote the single was ok.”

“That was a very long-winded no.” Lilly keeps her voice even.

“There’s so much I did that I handled completely fucking wrong. We, I mean you and I, we were hitting this point, this weird, shitty point where we were both really busy and couldn’t be around each other that much. It had been over a year and the, like, giddiness wasn’t there at the time. Like, neither of us was that happy then.”

Lilly’s nostrils flare. Her lips purse and begin to part, ready to unleash hell.

“I used it as a shitty fucking excuse for something I was probably going to do anyway.”

Lilly takes a step back. She drops the scissors beside him and crosses her arms, staring expectantly. Shawn takes the scissors and fiddles with them.

“The honest, stupid fucking truth is that I had this… I dunno, this thing for her. I could never totally let go of it. That’s not to say I wasn’t happy with you, or that I was thinking about her when I was with you… that was never it. But when she started showing interest in me, when she was telling me about the shit with Matthew, I just… I think I felt like it had to happen. Like something I had to get out of my system. I romanticized it at the time; it felt like fate, maybe.”

“I’ve heard the song, Shawn,” Lilly snaps. Shawn blinks hard, but is otherwise still.

“I know. I know you, Lill, I know you’ve been through the whole catalogue, tearing it apart, deciding what was about her.”

He’s not wrong, Lilly thinks bitterly.

“I felt this weird kind of instant relief when I was sure she wanted me. It checked this old box that felt like it was going to stay unchecked forever. I felt so shitty, calling it off with you, but it felt like I was doing what I was supposed to. But it wouldn’t have felt so shitty if it were really what I was meant to do.”

“Do you realize how entitled and selfish you sound right now?”

“Yes.”

The tightness in Lilly’s face relaxes, her expression blank. She wasn’t expecting such an easy response. She wasn’t expecting a real response at all.

“I do. It’s ok if you don’t believe me, I don’t really blame you. I haven’t given you any reason to. But if we have a shot in hell, and fuck, I hope we do, I think you need to hear this. I don’t think you’ll ever stop wondering unless I really lay it all out.”

Lilly swallows a lump in her throat and releases the tuft of hair, sliding the elastic back on her wrist. As she ruffles through his damp hair, Shawn’s eyes slide closed.

“Keep talking,” Lilly whispers.

“So I did it. I ignored how fucking bad I felt after that initial relief. Like, not just bad because of our fight, just… bad. I had done the wrong thing. I made the wrong choice. I do still think it was the choice I was going to make because I’m fucking young and stupid. I just--”

His jaw tenses, the muscle in his cheek twitching. Lilly waits patiently, parting his hair.

“I might’ve always wondered. I’m a hopeless romantic idiot. But at least now she’s not the one that got away anymore. She’s the one I tried it with and realized it didn’t work.”

Lilly closes her eyes and exhales through her nose. She waits for the words to hit all the spots they did before when he tried to talk this out with her, the pain points. Spots that made her snarl and retch and wail and slash at him. Instead they feel like a rising tide around her knees.

“So… what happened?” she whispers.

“For a while we lived on the high of the single. Both our teams were so focused on it and on us. The VMAs and everything, finishing tour. By the time the Grammys came around I think we were both so fucking sick of that song. The backlash that came from all the media attention… it didn’t just go away like we hoped it would. I started laying really low on social. She was getting ready for tour and I was working on the album. Not being focused on the same thing, on promoting one song, it helped put things more into perspective I think. Pulling away started to feel… natural.

“And then the pandemic came. It felt like a time to hit reset. I went down to Miami and felt pretty stupid because everything just got so much worse every day and I was worried about not even being able to leave. But… we were on the same page, basically. It wasn’t fun, but it was… right. Neither of us wanted it. We tried it, it ended. I think… I mean, we don’t hate each other. I don’t think we’ll be like, writing friends again. But maybe eventually we’ll talk again.”

Lilly sucks at her front teeth. “You haven’t talked at all since you left?”

“No.”

“Do you want to?”

Shawn looks thoughtful. “Not… yet. I don’t think I have anything to say that we haven’t said already. Maybe… I dunno, maybe that was part of it. I always felt like I wanted to talk to you, like I always had stuff to tell you, even stupid stuff. Me and Camila ran out of stuff.”

Lilly shifts to stand in front of him, keeping her gaze on his hair, though her eyes are not in focus. She sifts her hands through it while she thinks.

“I still have more questions. I’m just…”

She trails off. Shawn nods carefully.

“It’s ok. I’m… not going anywhere.”

Lilly’s eyes shut. “I think it’s important for you to understand that when you say things like that, my head immediately comes back with “but you did.” You did go somewhere. You didn’t come back for a long time.”

Shawn pauses, then nods again. Lilly sighs.

“I’m not saying this to punish you anymore. I don’t want that. It’s not doing anything for me. But you need to understand that I can’t just turn it back on. Even when you make me want to.”

Shawn’s expression clears. He turns his head slowly as she continues ruffling his hair, snipping odds and ends. She doesn’t look down at him.

“I do understand. I’ll wait, Lill. I’ll give you whatever you need.”

“And what if I don’t know what I need?”

Shawn looks unconcerned. “Then I’ll wait for you to.”

Lilly continues sculpting his hair like a topiary. He looks older with his hair this way. She thinks it’s not a total disaster, maybe.

“I have another question,” she announces. Shawn waits expectantly.

“If the pandemic didn’t happen… when were you going to end it? When were you going to come to me?”

Shawn’s brows raise, but he looks far away again. “Truth is I almost did a few times. A bunch of times after the holidays. I had this countdown clock in my head because I knew as soon as we finished the album, I wouldn’t just be able to spontaneously come see you, not if I wanted to spend any real time with you. I just kept scaring myself out of it.”

She understands that, especially given the way their first meeting went down.

Lilly internalizes the answer, then turns back to her imaginary notes. Each question has a line through it. Nothing new materializes. She frowns.

“I don’t have any more questions.”

Shawn bobs his head, watching her closely.

“I might have more questions later,” she continues. His expression doesn’t change.

Lilly drops her hands to his shoulders. He blinks but reorients himself, slowly guiding his hands to her hips. She steps closer. His knees widen. As Lilly folds herself over him, pressing her face into his hair, he collapses into her, his forehead against her sternum. Her relief is narcotic. Her head hasn’t been this truly empty since… she can’t remember when.

He smells like her. He’s holding her. He’s breathing her air. He’s hers. Little by little, she’s starting to believe it.

Lilly steps around his legs and lowers into his lap. Their eyes are nearly level. Shawn locks his arms around her back. His nose brushes hers.

“Ok,” Lilly murmurs.

Shawn inhales and exhales deeply. “Ok.”

Lilly’s hands rest on his chest as he kisses her. He doesn’t come at her with fire and brimstone this time. He has nothing to prove. He knows exactly how good it feels. He seems to want to slow down and enjoy this as much as she does. He kisses her long and slow because they have the time. His hands remain mostly still. He seems to feel that she needs the stasis, despite their frenzied night.

Shawn’s kisses whisper to Lilly with each pass -- is this ok? How about this? I don’t want to push it. I care too much to push it. They’re the easiest sentiments to believe when they’re said like this.

Lilly drapes her arms around his shoulders, enjoying the breadth of them, plucking her lips away in shorter bursts until they’re pecking innocently, smiling with closed eyes between points of contact.

“Do you want to check out your hair?” Lilly offers, shifting back in his lap. He’s the most marvelous shade of pink.

“Oh,” he starts, pulling a hand up into the still damp chunky strands, “I can look later. I’m sure it’s great. It feels way lighter, actually.”

Lilly is smug. “You just want to sit here and keep kissing.” His smile is megawatt. She’s blinded.

“Can you blame me?”

Kissing him is… completely lovely. Lilly refamiliarizes herself with him in a way she didn’t yesterday. Her fingers find the tendons in his shoulders, the ridge of his adam’s apple, the little hoop in his earlobe. It’s a redundant kind of flirtation, given that she’s already in his lap, but it might be more for her than for him.

His lips skate down her neck as they break for air. He tucks kisses under her hair over marks she doesn’t remember him leaving. Lilly closes her eyes and exhales slowly, letting herself hate them a little for tearing each other to shreds. It wasn’t like them. Even when they were at their most frantic together, it wasn’t like that.

Lilly feels a lump in her throat. He must sense the change in her breathing. But instead of pulling away to check on her, Shawn pulls her closer, fills all the spaces her body leaves until she’s cradled against him, chest shuddering. He presses his nose into her hair and rocks her softly, back and forth, until he feels her tears dripping off his shoulder down his bare back.

“It’s ok,” he murmurs, the vibration from his voice tremoring through her body, “If it feels good to cry, you should cry.”

Shawn has a way of saying things to her that would bring her no relief to hear them from anyone else. Even though she believes him, and she’s pretty sure he’d sit here into the night and let her cry herself dry against him, she pulls back. He looks her over. She stares at his swollen mouth. He sweeps his thumbs beneath her eyes.

“I’m sick of crying,” she tells him with a short nod. He nods back. His eyes are clear and so warm. His hands sift back into her hair and hold it all, scrunching tumbling, escaping strands like he can’t bear to let any of her go. He kisses her breathless.

“Be gentle with me,” Lilly pleads on a sigh, releasing him only long enough to undress. He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to.

He’s always been patient, even when she could barely stand to let herself be touched by him. He waits until every sound out of her chest is nearly a whine and her fingers curl into his freshly cut hair, cajoling him. When their bodies finally connect, he’s slow and deliberate, the tips of their noses together, their fingers clenched together against her thigh. She doesn’t thrash or force or scrape for him. He doesn’t stop until she’s melted for him, draped over his shoulder, panting with need. She clings, he gives. When she’s finished, she cups the back of his neck and whispers until he’s shaking beneath her.

They slither to the kitchen floor, exhausted, reluctant. He tosses tufts of his shorn hair at her. She pretends to put it back where she cut it off. They order from a local cafe for breakfast and kiss until the food is cold.

+

“So when do you want me to cut your hair?”

Lilly looks up from the Instacart order in progress on her phone. His arm is around her shoulders, his fingers sifting through the dry ends of her gold hair. He said it like he’s reminding her of something she had already asked of him. Her brow furrows.

“You’re not cutting my hair.”

Shawn looks down and mirrors her expression. “What?”

“I’m not letting you cut my hair, Shawn.”

He gawps. “But you just cut mine!”

“Yeah, what the fuck were you thinking? Your hair is like half the reason people like you.”

Shawn’s eyes light up. His grin is so big she thinks his face is gonna split. This time, she’s the one mirroring him.

“You seriously don’t trust me to cut your hair? It can’t be that hard, your hair is straight. I just have to keep it even.”

“But I have layers,” Lilly explains patiently, turning to pull her legs up beside her on the couch, “And my stylist uses thinning shears, which we don’t have. And also… you’re not cutting my hair, Shawn.”

He huffs and pulls away. “Maybe not when you’re awake anyway.”

Lilly looks up from her phone. He’s wearing an impish smile. She kisses it until his lips are soft and pliable against hers, and he’s making the little content sounds she likes.

Shawn gets curious and trails his kisses off down her jaw. Lilly’s eyes are shut. She’s getting ready to crawl into his lap for the third time in 24 hours when her phone buzzes with a news alert.

LA County extended shutdown to all but essential business through July.

They stare at the phone together. Shawn’s brows lift. He rubs a hand over his mouth.

“Jesus,” he mutters.

Lilly chews her lip. July?

July.

Quietly, because they’re both in their own heads, they make their way to the kitchen to continue taking stock of the groceries they have and what they need. Lilly’s head is swimming in numbers -- will the bump in unemployment continue? Is she going to have to ask for her parents’ help with rent? Could this go through the end of the summer, or even longer?

She senses him behind her even through the haze of her own anxiety. He places a hand on her hip, his thumb rubbing the worn cotton of her t-shirt.

“C’mere,” he murmurs, more as a request than a demand. Lilly turns and tucks herself into his arms. He rocks her back and forth on their bare feet, which make a soft smushing sound against the cool tile. He’s sturdy enough to rest her weight against. Her hands clamor up only as far as his shoulder blades. It feels good.

“I know it’s really, really bad,” Shawn says into her ear, “Like, really bad, if they’re shutting down through July. But… I’m glad I’m here with you.”

Lilly rolls her eyes and lifts her head as her hands drift down his back.

“Yeah, seems like your plan is working out nicely. Taking me hostage, and all.”

He seems pleased with her teasing. He nods.

“Yep, got ya right where I want ya,” he admits, shrugging.

Lilly shakes her head and dives deeper into false dramatics. “Luring me here in my vulnerable state. You’re like Dracula. This is Stockholm syndrome. I should know, there’s a One Direction song about it. You’re holding me here against my will.”

Shawn grins again, that same face-breaking grin from before. It warms Lilly through more than the afternoon sun streaming in through the kitchen windows. He presses his forehead against hers.

“Your hands are on my asscheeks right now,” he points out.

She squeezes them. He flinches and somehow smiles even wider.

“Stockholm. Syndrome,” she insists, giggling until his lips meet hers again.

----------

Taglist: @smallerinfinities​ @the-claire-bitch-project @achinglyshawn​ @infiniteshawn​ @mendesoft @singanddreamanyway​ @alone-in-madness​ @abigfatmess​ @shawnitsmutual​ @awkwardfangirl2014​ @september-lace​ @sinplisticshawn​ @rollingxstone​ @randi-eve​ @fallmoreinlove @heyits-claire​ @itrocksmysocks​ @parkerspicedlatte​ @simpledomain​ @abeautiful-and-cloudy-day​ @thecurlsofgod​ @magcon7280​ @bensbuttercup​ @shawnsmusical​ @paigeasourous​ @tell-me-when-ur-ready​ @softmendesss​ @searchingunderthestars​ @buggy-blogs​ @mendesficsxbombay​ @siennarossi​ @lostinshawnsmemory​ @umbreakablesoul​ @sleepybesson​ @shawnsheaven @shaawnie @shawn-youth​ @graysonmendes​

[poptimus-prime]

Here is what the kids call my highly disorganized, half-baked list of stuff that could have been done with Jack to make him a better character.

@yeetmetothehell I am sorry if you are disappointed by my ideas.

“Optimus was more like...Jack.” OK…so show us that.

In my opinion...Jack seems like he was intended to be written to be almost a parallel to Orion’s journey to becoming Optimus Prime, at least how he is used in the plot. Jack is described as “smart and responsible”, which can also be read as “hardworking and responsible” and really this can be achieved in narratively using a few points, IMO:

Long hours in his room/the library studying outside of work and school. 

Filling out the background of the garage more with sketches/print outs of motorcycle blueprints (to keep the idea that Jack really wants a motorcycle and show hints of extreme dedication, but they’re kept in the garage rather than his room to metaphorically show that distance he’s put between himself and what he wants)

“Man of the House”/”Grew up too fast” (This will be discussed more later but TL;DR “I’ll handle the electric bill this month, Mom”)

Somewhat fragile work/school/life balance that Jack somehow perfectly maintained before meeting the team

Orion was very physically passive. Jack seems to be intended to be written as passive but it comes off as an apathetic reluctance that Orion doesn’t possess (Orion may not believe in violence but he clearly wasn’t unwilling to communicate his thoughts; it’s how he got the title of Prime in the first place.) However, Orion had to learn to become more outspoken over time probably, so we can keep him as being aloof/reluctant at the start of the series.

“Man of the House”/”Grew up too Fast”

It’s no secret Jack came from a nonconventional home; June is very explicitly portrayed as a single mother with a dad nowhere in the picture. However the situation surrounding Mr. Darby is unknown. The way June talks about it makes me personally feel like Jack’s dad either ran out or divorced June and doesn’t bother with his kid. Dysfunction in the family really just goddamn changes you TBH. (can confirm bc hi, I come from a dysfunctional home) Sometimes you just grow up super fast. Jack probably spent his childhood missing his mom as she worked shifts at the hospital and seeing how lonely and hurt she was. He maybe went out and got a job the first day he could and helps with smaller bills (“I’ll handle the electric bill this month.”), or maybe other expenses like groceries and his own phone bill. June probably makes enough to comfortably support her and her son, especially given her job and the cost of living in rural ass desert Nevada. But Jack still does this anyways--it’s how he copes with his issues after what happened with his dad. Doubling down and trying to be what he thinks is the bigger man because his dad couldn’t be fucked. 

This would make the disruption him letting the bots into his life creates more staggering; June doesn’t expect her son to pay bills, but the sudden change in behavior (skipping out on work) would be a cause for concern because sudden shifts like that are Usually Signs that Something is Very Wrong. Especially because Jack is usually responsible and open with his mom; he would have told her if he was gonna cut hours at work, theoretically.

Jack feels like he has to constantly put his own wants aside to contribute to his household. Even if June doesn’t force this expectation upon him, it’s a feeling that he will have, especially if he watched his dad just abandon him and June. Maybe he has resentment towards his dad for this and that is causing some anger he’s keeping tightly under wraps? And maybe the bots give him an excuse to do something he actually wants to do for once or some excitement in his life and that’s why he goes along with it? Lots of options, people!

Clothing Choices: The Hoodie™

You are going to have to deal with me being a whore for costuming choices and what they can mean. The show has a problem with the humans wearing the same shit every time they’re on screen and I’d love to rant about all of them (yeah yeah I get it saving money) but I’m focusing on Jack right now. Give Jack a hoodie 2020. A grey one or some other dull and drab color. And make him actually always wear the hood (except like in scenes where he is working bc workplace dress codes obviously) As time progresses, the drab hoodie is changed to a more vibrant color, but he still always has the hood over his head. And then, at a pivotal moment, the boy takes the hood off. (You could even throw in Miko cracking a joke about Jack actually having hair if you really wanted TBH.) Why this? The narrative is that Jack is constantly holding himself under wraps because of his self-imposed responsibilities. As he starts to become more into his own, he decides to express himself more with brighter colors, but still has some reservations. When he takes the hoodie off, that’s when he’s fully realized himself in this process and thus completes the parallel.

Actually make him interact with Optimus in a meaningful manner.

Arcee can still be his guardian in the field and I think working on strengthening their relationship is vital. But also, if you’re gonna make Jack the confidante holding the key to Vector Sigma, there actually has to be...meaningful interaction. Optimus asking Jack what he’s so engrossed in reading and Jack explaining the book he’s got with passion before shutting himself up and saying “it’s kinda dumb though” or something. And Optimus just responds “I don’t think it’s dumb, tell me more.” Coaxing him towards more self-discovery and expression. Optimus maybe sees more of his old self in Jack and starts attempting to be a quasi-paternal figure without really thinking about it because he is, after all, Dadimus. Jack maybe lashes out about how he doesn’t need Optimus to be his dad and that makes the space between them tense for a while. Eventually Jack comes to apologize and maybe there’s an important Talk.. Just a few ideas I will expand on later. I feel like forgiveness and lack thereof is a good theme--I know I was held back for a long time because of how convoluted the concept of forgiveness is with family.

The Character Arc

 So, what would Jack’s character development throughout the events of season 1 be? My basic idea for a Jack arc that mirrors Orion’s self-realization and coming into Prime-hood without being a carbon copy is essentially: 

Jack is portrayed as a responsible, hardworking, studious teenager who constantly turns down chances for fun and excitement to handle his responsibilities. Has clear dreams for after high school and for his own personal life; but he’s constantly contemplating and changing his mind about whether he will or not because he’s extremely dedicated to helping his mom and all that. However, he still gets super curious about Arcee and gets swept up by her in the Vehicon chase, and he still has whispers of courage and protects Raf during the altercation. He first tries to ditch Team Prime because he’s concerned about his responsibilities, but eventually returns because he’s drawn to the opportunity to finally go buck wild for once in his life (even if he spends his time being hesitant about everything.) His hesitancy and dedication to severe self-imposed responsibility is a result of his inability to move on from what his dad did to him and his mom; he’s under the impression that he 1) Has to forgive someone to move on, and thus 2) He cannot move on because his dad isn’t there to bother to say sorry and take on his position as Dad. In essence, he becomes less the character telling Miko to stop and more the character being pushed by Miko to be more adventurous. In lulls in action, Optimus starts to take interest in him when he notices his constant hesitance to express himself and is just being dragged along rather than going willingly. Has a conversation with him about a book Jack’s reading, which Jack attempts to shut down because it’s “dumb and childish,” but Optimus urges him to continue. The idea that June knows about Arcee as a bike and Jack explaining that he bought a motorcycle as a fixer-upper for dirt cheap can stay. (He probably still is saving up for his motorcycle.)

The longest portion, after Optimus starts interacting with Jack on a level of bonding and gently coaxing him to be himself— Jack becomes more outspoken and he’s shown as curious, analytical, quick witted, and has a deep sense of justice. Being young and craving a childhood lost to his trauma and self-imposed obligations to help his mom with running the household, he suddenly starts spending more time at the base pursuing hobbies and going on missions rather than studying and work, which concerns June. She tries to press Jack, and is met with what can be described as typical teenage headbutting that gets progressively worse. She grounds Jack after the fight, MECH takes her, the rescue happens. (That makes sense to stay in this narrative IMO.) Around this time, Optimus has effectively started becoming Jack’s own Alpha Trion—teaching him things that he’s picked up that he may feel apply to Jack. Jack interprets one of these lessons as Optimus trying to be “dad” and he’s not having it. Makes it VERY clear that he does not need a dad (“didn’t need one before and sure as fuck don’t need one now”) and definitely snaps at Optimus, which then pushes his progress in the arc closer to the end. He eventually comes back to apologize, and Optimus forgives him. He and Optimus have a heart-to-heart about one of the hardest lessons Optimus has had to learn—how to let go of the past without forgiving those who have hurt you and refuse to make amends, so that you may determine your own future. It’s very clear he’s talking about Megatron, even though he never says his name. Jack takes this lesson to heart.

His final bit of development before the hood removal thing probably happens during the events of “Rock Bottom” and reinforces that hard lesson, right when he’s faced with the option to off Megatron. Maybe there’s some taunting about how Optimus preaches softness and forgiveness too much when Jack refuses to kill him. Jack gets angry, and he’s about to fucking do it. But then he stops, takes a breath, and says “Optimus doesn’t preach forgiveness, he preaches moving on from those who refuse to move on themselves. He will never forgive you, but he’s learned to live on despite what you’ve done.” Soon after this, when Megatron comes to the base, Jack takes off his hood, stares Megatron right in the face, and says “This is not forgiveness, Megatron. Don’t you forget that.” Later, when Optimus gives him the key, he tells him something along the lines of “you have grown since we’ve met, Jack, and even though there is still a long way for you to go...” he hands Jack the key. “...Remember that even I am a work in progress.”

Anyways this is again, half-baked. And needs lots of polishing. But it’s something.

[intergalacticwanderer]

I saw this post the other day by @sunstarelanor​, absolutely laughed my ass off, and decided I had to write something based on it. It ended up being self indulgent fluff more than crack, but hey, what can you do sometimes (spoilers for episodes 114 and sort of 115).

(AO3 Link)

-------

It became clear something was wrong as soon as the spell went off.

The diamond dissolved over Vess’ body as expected. What was not expected however was the strange thrum that went through the air when it did, all of the red eye markings on the body flashing at once. Jester jerked back in alarm, quickly retreating to the rest of the group as Yasha and Fjord drew their blades. They’d known going in that there was a risk to reviving Vess, but they thought it’d involve politics, or the fact that she’d been involved in a weird cult. Not something going wrong with the spell itself. Then again, maybe it shouldn’t have been a surprise with the weird cult stuff going on. Everyone held their breath.

The silence was broken by a gasp. The body rolled to the side, coughing, before taking a few wheezing breaths. Swords were slowly lowered.

So the resurrection itself seemed to have worked. But something still felt off.

Caleb approached tentatively, looking back to the rest of the Mighty Nein before focusing on Vess. “Lady DeRogna?” This was going to be the tricky part. Jester had revived the Archmage, but she had still died while under their watch and it was uncertain how much she’d be willing to cooperate. Perhaps if he could -

“The fuck?”

Everyone froze.

Vess had propped herself up on her elbows, glancing around at the second floor of the mansion with a look of sheer bewilderment on her face.

“Seriously, what the fuck is going on?”

Caleb blinked several times, caught off guard. This was far from what he’d expected to hear from Lady DeRogna. They already knew she’d been hiding things, and that she’d just been brought back from the dead; perhaps this was a side she didn’t usually show other people? He didn’t fully buy it, but it was the only thing he could think of.

“I, ah, apologize, Lady Vess, but we discovered your body a few days ago. It appears that you had been murdered by a member of the Tomb Takers. We have brought you back, but we have... questions about your past involvement with the group.”

While he spoke Caleb kept an eye on Vess to see if there was any reaction. Instead, however, he saw her barely paying attention as she sat up, groping at the sides of her head and forehead as if looking for something.

Jester leaned out from behind Caleb. “Ummm... are you okay?”

The hands stopped, lowering as Vess turned to look at her. “Jester?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s me!”

She stared for several seconds, hands in her lap. Slowly she turned back. “Caleb?”

“Yes?”

“... who’s Vess?”

What?

“Wait,” Fjord said while stepping forward with a hand in the air, “Do you not remember? Like, anything?”

“She knows some of our names,” Caduceus added, leaning on his staff as he watched Vess staring back at the two of them. “That’s something.”

“Yes, but why would she remember our names and not her own?”

“A good question.”

Vess looked at the half orc. “Fjord,” she said, and he straightened, but no follow up statement came. Her face was blank when she looked at Caduceus and Veth, but Veth’s face was hardly blank in return, the halfling woman scowling with a hand resting on her crossbow. Vess’ eyes landed on the crossbow and she paused, looking over to Caleb and back to Veth with a thoughtful expression. After a few moments her gaze turned to the last two individuals present.

Beau was standing slightly in front of Yasha, almost protectively, while Yasha rested one of her hands on Beau’s shoulder with Magician’s Judge held in her other hand. Vess stared at the two of them the longest out of anyone so far, face slowly splitting into a grin and eyes watering.

“I still have no idea what the fuck is happening but gods is it good to see you assholes again.”

Vess went to stand - and almost immediately collapsed, Caleb having to rush forward to catch her before she face planted into the floor. His confusion only grew as she dissolved into nervous giggles, Vess mumbling something that sounded like “have tits,” but he wasn’t able to catch the rest. He shot a panicked look to the rest of the group.

“I’m going to echo that, what the fuck is happening?” Beau said, gesturing with one of her arms. “Did the spell get messed up? Can it get messed up?”

“Raise dead can fail just like any other spell,” Caduceus said. He tilted his head. “Though I can’t say I’ve heard of it causing an entirely different personality.”

“Could… could it be a different person? Not just a different personality?” Yasha had stepped forward, hand shifting on Beau’s shoulder and something vulnerable in her expression. Beau looked over and her face softened, placing her hand over Yasha’s.

“Might as well get to the point then,” Fjord said, looking straight at the half-elf and crossing his arms. “Are you Lady Vess DeRogna?”

“No,” Vess said, shaking her head. “And I have no idea who the fuck that is.”

“She could be lying,” Veth said as she scooched forward, also confused but mostly still suspicious. “I don’t trust her. Jester, you should do the truth thingy.”

“Zone of truth?”

“Yes! That one.”

Jester hummed in thought, looked at the others for approval, and then nodded. “Okay.” She made a shooing motion at the rest of the group and they backed out of the range of the spell, Caleb gingerly propping Vess up against the table she’d been revived on before quickly shuffling over. Jester clapped her hands together and rocked back and forth on her feet.

“Sorry about this Lady Not-Vess, but it should be over soon!”

The spell was cast and Vess shivered as it passed over her, relaxing again a moment later.

“Alright. Ask away,” she said.

“Are you Lady Vess DeRogna?”

“Already answered. No.”

A murmur went through the group, Jester’s eyebrows raising. It seemed like they really could be dealing with someone else entirely here.

“Do you intend to harm any of us?” Caleb asked.

Vess forcefully shook her head. “Absolutely not.”

“Do you consider us your friends?” Caduceus asked, which earned him a few confused looks. Caduceus shrugged. “She seemed pretty friendly earlier.”

“I don’t know you specifically, so I can’t say, but yes, I consider you guys my friends,” Vess said, grinning.

Yasha stared hard, grip white knuckled on her sword and expression intense.

“What is your name?”

Vess grinned even wider at all of them.

“My name is Mollymauk Tealeaf,” she said, “Molly to my friends.” And passed out.

Needless to say, everyone absolutely lost their shit.

***

10 minutes later the group was arranged in a circle on the floor, Molly-Vess wrapped in a blanket and propped up against Yasha while holding a mug of hot cocoa. Beau continued to stare as he slurped loudly, Molly letting out a long sigh once the sip was finished.

“Thank you, for everything. I have no idea how, but thank you.” He smiled and leaned closer into Yasha, resting Vess’ head on her shoulder while Yasha rubbed his back. “The new body thing is weird, but better that than nothing.”

“Actually,” Beau said, looking at one of the hands peeking out from under the blanket as Molly perked up, “I think I have an idea about that.” She reached forward and tapped the red eye showing on the back of the right hand, Molly looking down and grimacing as he noticed it for the first time. “Vess has these things too, tied up with all this “nonagon” stuff, and when we tried to revive her they all went crazy. I think there might’ve been, like... mixed up messages or something, since you used to have these things too.”

“Huh.” He spent several seconds looking at the eye, steam rising from the cocoa. “Her loss, my gain I guess. How’d she end up dead, anyway?” he asked, looking around at the group. “You said something about the Tomb Takers?”

“You did it,” Jester blurted out, and Molly’s eyes widened as she hurried to continue. “Or, no, not you, it was Lucien! Your body. We’d been trying to follow you. But, we know now it’s not you, since you’re here, but we didn’t know then.”

“The Tomb Takers resurrected your body a couple months ago,” Caduceus added, “but we only found out in the last few weeks.”

“That’s...” Molly trailed off, clearly at a loss for words.  “... don’t even know how to process that right now.” He let out a long breath, giving himself a little shake. “Anyway! I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced,” he said, holding out a hand to Caduceus.

“Caduceus Clay, pleasure to meet you,” he said, gladly accepting the handshake. “Even if the circumstances are a bit strange.”

Molly barked out a laugh. “That’s an understatement. So how’d you meet these disasters?” He grinned as Beau rolled her eyes, though it was clear there wasn’t any heat in the gesture.

“I met them in Shady Creek Run, lived in the Blooming Grove at the time. They needed my help after...”

Caduceus trailed off this time, remembering who he was talking to. The whole group went quiet.

“Ah.” Molly found himself focusing rather intently on the mug of cocoa. “You guys - took care of the problem?”

“Yes,” Caleb and Beau said forcefully at the same time, and Veth gave a sharp nod.

“Good.” He nodded slightly to himself. “Good.” Molly looked back up to Caduceus, smiling again. “Thank you for looking after them.”

“More than happy to,” he said, giving a smile of his own.

“So!” Molly straitened up and drummed his nails against the cocoa mug. “Anyone want to fill me on the current craziness?  Like why you had to revive a lady named Vess, and why she got murdered by my hijacked body?”

“Sure, but it might take a while,” Jester said. “You okay with a really really long explanation?”

“As long as you need, lay it on me!” Molly said, gesturing dramatically with one of his hands.

The group proceeded to go through recent events, Molly listening intently while taking occasional sips of the cocoa. More than once he had to ask for clarification on something, which would then lead to a tangent, which then had to be wrestled back on topic, but eventually they managed to get through the gist of what had occurred, plus several other topics that had come up in said tangents.

“So, just, quick clarification now that we’re wrapping up,” Molly said, cocoa now finished and mug on the floor, “on the way here you guys got attacked by Fjord’s ex-girlfriend, who worked for Fjord’s ex-patron, who also managed to kill Fjord on a different sea voyage? And you met this ex-girlfriend after becoming pirates? On accident?”

“That is a gross over simplification-”

“But totally accurate,” Veth said, expression smug as Fjord deflated. He let out a defeated sigh.

“And you!” Molly said, jabbing a finger at Veth who jumped slightly, “A halfing and married with a kid! Last fucking thing I expected, but gotta say, I’m happy for you.”

“Not sure how I feel about those words coming out of that mouth,” Veth said, squinting, “... but thank you.” She gave a small nod, preening a little.

Molly grinned and nodded back. “Honestly,” he said, looking at everyone, “happy for all of you, you look amazing! Not to mention all of -” he gestured wildly at the chamber around them - “this! Holy shit! No more sleeping under a cart here.”

Caleb smiled slightly. “Well, there is more to see if you would like.”

Molly’s head whipped over, eyes huge.

“Please.”

“Alright then,” Caleb said, standing up and brushing off the front of his pants. “It will be a more limited tour for now, due to the late hour, but I can show you at least one more floor.”

The rest of them got to their feet, Yasha helping Molly stand and supporting him with an arm around his waist. “Just think up,” she said to him.

“What do you mea-” He yelped in surprise as everyone started to float upwards, briefly sinking in Yasha’s grip before righting himself and bobbing back into place. “This night has been amazing,” he whispered. “And surreal. So so surreal.”

He looked up, face awed as the iris opened above them and head darting around as they entered the third floor of the tower.

“This is the Salon,” Caleb said, closing the iris below them with a quiet “zu” and settling gently onto the floor, the group following a moment later. “These three levels act as our library, with furniture and study areas in a few different places. The books are all ones I’ve read in the past though there may be a duplicate here and there.”

“You’ve read a lot of fucking books,” Molly murmured, craning his neck around to view as much as could while leaning in Yasha’s arm. “Any highlights I need to see?”

“There is one thing,” Caleb said, and gestured for everyone to follow.

Molly continued to look around as they went around the corner, sound of a crackling fire growing closer - and stopped dead when he saw what was in front of him, being jostled slightly as it took Yasha a second to stop. His mouth hung open as he stared.

“This has been here since the beginning,” Caleb said quietly, standing before the fireplace and the giant stain glass window styled to resemble Molly’s coat. “But I thought it might be good for you to see it.”

Molly’s mouth worked for a few moments, no sound coming out. He swallowed.

“Molly?” Yasha asked gently.

“I’m really here,” he whispered, eyes welling up. “I’m alive and I’m here.”

He started to cry, to sob even, and everyone came forward at once. Yasha just put her other arm around him to complete a hug, murmuring that it was okay, and Molly reached up to grab her forearm.

“Why are you crying? You shouldn’t have to cry.” Veth.

“Hey man, it’s alright...” Fjord.

“Molls, hey, it’s okay, we’re here okay?” Beau.

“Please don’t cry Molly! We’re all here for you.” Jester.

“You are safe here, you don’t have to worry.” Caleb.

“Deep breaths. You’re going to be alright.” Caduceus.

There were several long shuddering breaths, a few hiccupping sobs, and eventually, a release of tension as things settled into regular breathing. Yasha checked that he was steady and eased back from the hug, arm back around the waist to give him support.

Molly gave a wet laugh, sniffling a little. “I’m not even that upset, it’s just - it just kept coming for a bit. Wow.” He scrubbed at his eyes furiously, giving another sniff. “I’m okay guys. I’m okay.”

“We’re glad you’re okay,” Caduceus said, placing a hand on Molly’s shoulder. “And it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, a lot has happened to you tonight. Don’t hesitate to talk to any of us if you need it.”

“I, uh, sure.” He gave himself a strong shake. “Yeah. Thanks. And I will.”

Molly rubbed the last of the tears away from his eyes and stifled a yawn. “H-how late is it?”

“Pretty late,” Beau said. “Well past midnight at least. Our guide’s staying in the guest room and we didn’t want him interrupting the resurrection on accident.” She paused. “Actually, wait, where are you going to sleep? Shit, Caleb, can you make another room?”

“Ah, no, not on the bedroom floors, but I could set up something in the great hall?”

“You could room with me if you wanted,” Fjord offered. “There’s both a bed and hammock in my room, and I can take the hammock.”

Molly leaned into Yasha, thinking for a long moment.

“Could... could we set up something here? Together? It doesn’t have to be everyone,” he added quickly. “It’s just. It’s been a lot and some close company would be nice. Really nice,” he said quietly.

“We can do that,” Beau said, starting with nodding slowly but it getting more forceful. “Yeah, we can do that.”

“Sounds good to me,” Fjord said, and Caduceus hummed in assent, nodding.

Veth shrugged. “Why not.”

“Pillow foooort!” Jester threw her arms up in the air. “Come on guys, come on, help me find the stuff!”

The group spread out and grabbed blankets, pillows, and cushions from all around the salon, depositing it in a large pile in front of the fireplace while Jester fluffed the pillows and Beau figured out the best way to arrange things. Caleb banked the fireplace with a wave of his hand, it settling down to a soft and quiet glow.

“We’re going to go get ready for bed, but we’ll be back in a moment, okay?” Yasha said, gently setting Molly down. He nodded.

“Okay.”

Several minutes later Molly stirred back to consciousness, having dozed off, a few people now settling in around him. Jester gave a little wave, nestling down into a mound of pillows, while Beau was already snoring quietly next to Yasha. Fjord had taken a line of cushions made up like a bed with a blanket and pillow. Veth sprawled out without a care. Caduceus saw him and nodded, as if he’d been waiting for the acknowledgement, and laid down to go to sleep. Molly looked around.

“Caleb?”

“Over here,” the wizard said quietly, sitting in a chair near the fireplace. “You should sleep.”

“Only if you do too,” Molly mumbled. His eyes were already drooping.

“I will. Now sleep.”

He dozed off again, the amount of time uncertain, but at some point in the night felt one more person settle down. Soon he heard Frumpkin’s quiet trill, Caleb murmuring small affections to his cat, and Molly smiled, finally drifting off to sleep.

***

When the Mighty Nein showed up the next morning at breakfast with Lady DeRogna suddenly in tow, Dagen gave them a Look.

“We had an unexpected visitor in the middle of the night,” Caleb said as a way of explanation as he sat down at the table. “Lady DeRogna messaged us for assistance and we went to her aid. Since there was no immediate danger we figured it would be better to let you rest.”

Dagen looked over to where Vess had been placed at the table. The Archmage was bundled in a ridiculous amount of blankets, barely visible except for her head and the occasional hand that would dart out for some food. Sometimes after a bite she would lean over to whisper to the tall aasimar or blue tiefling sitting next to her, who would then whisper back for a few seconds. There was also a small train of food gradually being passed over by the other members of the table, any finished food item immediately being replaced by something new.

“She did require some healing though, and she will need time to fully recover,” Fjord added in, briefly distracting Dagen from his observations. “We are doing what we can to make her comfortable.”

Vess muffled a small burp, hand flying up to cover her mouth.

“Uh huh,” Dagen said. “... glad to see you’re alright Lady DeRogna.”

Vess gave a muffled “mmhm,” hand still over her mouth, before ducking her head down and continuing eating.

Dagen chewed slowly, watching Vess for a solid few minutes. “Hrm.” He looked back to Caleb.

“She gonna be okay to travel? You said yourself this place doesn’t last, and Eiselcross isn’t exactly friendly.”

Caleb thought about how he would answer. Fjord and Veth were arguing over something nonsensical, continuing to pass food down the table while Vess leaned over to whisper something Jester, the tiefling bursting into giggles and Yasha shaking her head. Beau watched all of them, chin on her hand, and Caduceus just smiled, sipping on his cup of tea.

“You know,” Caleb said, smiling, “I think we’re going to be okay.”

[universejunction]

Midwayers, and problems of intended belief

A discord conversation (at first about fae and spirits)

Me:

I feel so far behind on learning about fae and spirits and such. When I thought The Urantia Book was more than a well-intentioned hoax it was easy to think fae and such are all just what it calls "midwayers". Now I'm... wide open to new interpretations. I know I'm not behind, I'm just where I am, but still...

A:

I would love to give you more of an idea, but I don't know a ton about the Urantia book or what you mean by midwayers.

Me:

Oof, okay. I don't expect much in the way of answers, I know I'll get what I get in time. But I will take this opportunity to share.

In the Urantia Book, it make a lot of distinction between spirit and matter, as you might expect. Mind is the means by which Spirit rules over matter, yada yada. It also has a ton of details on angels.

There's a ton of history in there too, which I'm now interpreting as metaphor at best, because it's sure as shit not factual with its racial skeletal types and what not.

Anyway... Y'know, I'm gonna give the summary and then see if I have the energy for the story, because I'm worn out.

Basically, midwayers are midway between material and spiritual (but they're not, like, pure mind), covering the gap between angels and humans. They're native to the world, but descended from super-humans. They're immortal and stick around until the "age of light and life". And there's 1111 of either all of them or that might just be the first group of them.

Midwayers also get attributed cases of demonic possession (but so does mental illness), though they're not supposed to be able to do that anymore since Jesus completed his experience of life and earned his sovereignty (which was... before his public work) as basically god of local creation.

There's so much in this book and I carved it into my brain and now I don't trust it but it's still so quick to mind 😩

Innkeeper:

Woof okay I just read this

This is....so much not correct at all but also weirdly accurate

Which makes sense considering my personal theories on bleedthrough but thats another topic for another time

Me:

"Bleedthrough" sounds so very likely correct even without knowing what you mean exactly. That's pretty much my theory on how the Absolutes stuff seems so probably accurate despite everything else

A:

I'm just going to offer that whenever you hear "superhuman," in a spiritual tome, your hackles should probably raise.

Like, it sounds like this is coming from the same branch of angelic and Christian occultism that recognize the Nephilim, but uh, just be mindful that rhetoric about "ancient superhumans" is almost ALWAYS used to sell bullshit about magic indigenous people

It sounds like you're mindful of that, but, heads up

V:

The midwayer concept is ringing alarm bells between "Magic White People From Outer Space" to "Eugenics"

Innkeeper:

^

The idea of a liminal concept, something that exists in between those two states, I feel that holds water

The idea of literally everything else is uh

Worrisome at best

Me:

I'll add more in a sec but y'all right

Me (later):

To be clear, I was raised on the Urantia Book and am now moving away from it. For reasons mentioned above, among others.

It does come very close to "magic white people from outer space" and definitely is like "eugenics is a good idea but no one is qualified to direct it".

Me (replying to A):

Adding on, yes, but it's like... Fix-it fic. There's this spirit prince for the world who rebelled with Lucifer (who was like... a local administrator, not a god or angel), but when he arrived they like... called 100 natives [of Earth], cloned them with power-ups, and put people from other worlds like ours into the bodies who served as the prince's staff in the task of cultivating culture. Those staff, through essentially spiritual sex, created the first midwayers. After rebellion, the staff split and the ones who stay loyal to the prince are called nephilim and start a line of (acknowledged in the text) big ol' nasty racial supremacists. They're also called Nodites (c.f. "Land of Nod")

Later, Adam and Eve show up to "upstep" human evolution (disease resistance, humor, art... yeah, magic white people) but because the prince rebelled and shit's fucked, they're having a hard time. Eve bangs a local tribe leader to get an alliance and fucks everything up (that results in Cain. Able is Adam and Eve's next kid). So now should-be-immortal Adam and Eve only have a few hundred years to live and their (already many) kids get the choice to leave and most of them do.

A while later, their first son, Adamson, goes off to start a new cultural center, meets a woman named Rata who "claims" to be the last pure-line Nodite. [They] have a bunch of kids, every 4th of which is invisible(???), and they make those kids get together (yikes!) and that's where the secondary midwayers come from.

And it lampshades all this like "many things in the spiritual development of a world are hard to understand." Uh, yeah! History is weird, sure, but as it's fan fic, it's creepy.

A:

So, I'm saying this with all the love in my heart, but you can only portray things as fiction which are not intended to be believed.

That's not a fanfiction, that's a religious text. That is a religious text with a fully realized theology and metaphysics, complete with creation story. I think it is harmful to approach it as anything else, or as a "generic" metaphysical practice. (Relatedly, there is no such thing as "generic witchcraft," which is a main point of this history of the occult book club).

Doing a little bit more research, it's a religious text associated loosely with the Urantia Foundation and written in 1955. I'm not seeing any indication at the moment that there's a formal power structure associated with the movement, which lessens the chance for cult behavior.

What I will suggest to you is that you need to approach this work like you would any other religious text. Set aside questions of whether the text is "accurate" or "true." If you are honestly interested in the metaphysical, you should be able to separate empirical reality and history for the metaphysical. If you can't do that, take five steps back in your practice and come back once you can.

So, setting aside questions of truth, does this cosmology reflect the things you believe about the world? Does it encourage a way of thinking about people that you think is good, virtuous, honorable, etc? Can this text be used to uphold values that you hold, or do the natural extensions of this text lead to certain conclusions? Are those conclusions harmful?

For instance, I believe that eugenics is totally and morally abhorrent, and that there is fundamentally "no such thing" as a person who could pull it off "correctly." There's no way to do eugenics "right," just like I believe there is no morally correct way to, I don't know, punch a baby.

As such, even your acknowledgment that the text accepts eugenics makes it worthy of rejection in my mind.

Maybe you are interested and capable of doing the apologetics to make this into a compassionate religious movement. I don't know. I am not interested in doing that. But I do not think you can "move away" from this text, in the same way that you cannot "move away" from the bible, only from interpretations of it.

At some point, you have to believe in a basic assumption. If there's something that "feels right," there's only so far you can push it without that basic assumption.

If you think there is a separation between mind, body, and Spirit, wonderful. I would recommend you find another text and another basic set of assumptions. For instance, one that doesn't involve angels making angel-possesed magic native people for the point of preparing the world for the "good races."

Me:

Yes, you've got it right. Except that my interpretation has moved from "I think this book is what it claims" to "I think this was (probably well-intentioned, but still) a hoax perpetrated by ex-Seventh-Day Adventists". But for whatever good intentions may've been involved, the fact that it's intended to be believed makes it very harmful. I talked about it today as a way of saying "wow, look at this crazy shit" and talking through the changes involved in my different interpretation / loss of faith.

I don't believe in midwayers anymore and don't know what to believe, I'm trying to do the work, as you say, of finding what parts are good and what's harmful, comparing with empirical stuff, etc. But, however ready I may've been to walk away from the Urantia Book, it's still a process of recognizing what ideas I have based on it and examining them in turn to see what's salvageable.

Innkeeper:

I think that's an incredibly respectful way to go about it, Toph.

When something is that formative to you as a person, it's rarely as easy as learning it's harmful and then moving on, entirely separated from the source material. There's a long process of digging up every assumption you know you have--and many you don't know you have, or don't have at all--and needing to challenge them in a newer, healthier framework. One of the most potent aspects of the danger of cults is that they're incredibly difficult to challenge that base assumption, and it can take years if not a lifetime to walk a path that steadily heads away from what was taught.

So to acknowledge something formative's deep capacity for danger and harm, and go through the long process of picking it apart piece by piece to ensure you don't retain its harmfulness as you separate from it, I think that's the best possible way to go about something.

[barnesbabee]

Gang Affiliation? - Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Summary: Information theft against the rival gang went wrong, but something definitely went right.

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Words: ‘At least eleven’

Genre: Smut

A/N: I KNOW I’ve done gang stuff but it’s hot to imagine them covered in tattoos don’t judge me :) 

Trigger Warning: Violence and some other pretty rough stuff described ahead, so if you’re not comfortable with such scenarios please don’t read. 

Enjoy!

   You sat in the car, parked in a hidden spot in front of the base you were about to invade.

   It was a harsh thing to do, to make you invade a the building from your number one nemesis on your first assignment, but rules were rules, and you had to obey the Boss.

  Your phone vibrated in your pocket and you opened the mail, waiting for the documents you had been promised. You examined the blueprints on the screen and located the room you had to burst in.

  “Fuck... 4th floor, no windows in the room...”

  You threw your head back in dispair and huffed.

   You took a look at your phone one last time trying to locate the best place to enter the building. Once you located the nearest window to the room you exited the car and loaded your .357 Magnum, while making your way to the side of the building. There was a fire escape staircase that lead to the top of the building, but it had been purposely broken, making it harder to break in.

   You, however, were determined about bringing the files that you had been assigned to. Coming back empty handed was not an option, you had a better chance letting yourself die inside that building. You put the gun handle in your mouth and started climbing, with partial help of the stairs, other windows and pipes that were installed from the bottom to the top of the building. You broke the window of the fourth floor not so silently and his for a couple of minutes to make sure no one came to inspect the source of the noise.

  Just like you had seen on the blueprints, there was a long hall in front of the window and a door by the end of it. You walked fast, yet carefully, and soon you were inside a room filled with files and computers.

  You looked around for a second. You knew it waas about to be a while looking for what you needed, and, as you were about to reach for one of the drawers a hand grasped your wrist.

  “Fuck.” You thought.

  “Did you think no one heard you break the window?” The man chuckled.

  There was only a dim light in the room, the lights of the computers and respective machinery, so you couldn’t see the man, but his silhouette you could tell he was almost twice your size. 

  He reached for the light switch and flipped it, turning on the lights. You stared at him with wide eyes, and didn’t bugde.

  The man was very well built. He had broad shoulders, and nice thighs, his face had a cute, even child-like touch to it, almost like this life was not meant for him at all. You could see tattoos painting most of his neck, chest and arms through his partially buttoned down blouse that had the sleeves rolled up.

  You’d never had contact with rival gang members, you’d usually sit on the sidelines and offer support.

   “I’m not a bee, I know you’re there. Not moving nor talking won’t make me go away.” He commented with a deadly expression, but you were still frozen.

  "I either try it or I’ll end up dying.” You thought.

  With a swift movement you stepped closer and hit his jaw with your elbow. He was caught by surprise so he didn’t react to the attack, he just held his jaw with his hand and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, still tryingto understand what had happened. You then stood behind him and kicked the back of his knee. He fell forward and you kicked his face. 

   Finally you pulled out your gun and aimed it at him. 

   He fumbled on the floor so he could face you instead of facing the floor.

   “Do it. If you thought you didn’t have a chance leaving this building with me in the room, you’ll have less of a chance when the five other men patrolling outside this hallway hear the gunshots and come rushing in.”

  That caught you off guard. You hand’t thought that far, and it seemed obvious for the man, as you heard him chuckle.

  “Hadn’t thought about it? You honestly thought we left this room under poor supervision?”

  When he mentioned it, it did seem kind of stupid that you thought it would be that simple. The man used these seconds in which you were distracted to lunge at you. He used his legs to pull himself up and lunged at you, aiming for your torso.

  The gun flew elsewhere and he had you pinned down on the ground.

  “You’re easily breakable. Are you new?” he asked, his face inching closer to yours.

  "That’s none of your concern.” You replied through gritted teeth.

  The man examined your body your body, tracing each of your curved with his eyes, before biting his lip and smirking.

  “How rude... Maybe I’ll teach you what people in gangs do.” He said, grabbing a hold of your jaw tightly.

  “Off of me.” You demanded, trying to shove him off.

  He rolled his eyes and gripped your wrists, so that when he stood up you’d come along. The man threw you against the cold metal drawers that held all of the important information.

  “I seem to be the one introducing you to this shit world, so let’s evaluate your options here. You are not walking out of this building alive. That’s not how things work around here, so you can either choose to have a nice quickie before you go say hello to the upstairs man or you can go there now.”

  You stopped to think for a second. There was no way you could get out of this situation, he was twice your size and had twice the experience... Plus, he was eye candy, so, having all this in account you grabbed the back of his neck and pulled his lips to yours.

  The kiss started rough, and as the both of you deepened it, it became messy and violent even.

  “Good choice...” The man said when the two of you pulled out for air.

  You were about to connect your lips to his once more, when he pulled away. You looked at him, confused.

   “Jungkook. Just if you wondered what name to moan.” He announced with a smirk.

  He glued your lips back together in a sloppy kiss, while his hand made its way inside your panties, and started rubbing you roughly.

  You moaned into the kiss.

  “Sorry baby girl, we have to be quick here.” 

  Upon saying this, Jungkook started suking and biting on your neck, leaving subtle marks, and his fingers worked on your buttons.

  Your fingers made their way into his hair, and grasped it harshly. You bit your lower lip to prevent a loud moan from escaping as his fingers finally found their way under your panties, so they could rub your clit.

   Biting your lip however, was not enough when he inserted a one finger, then two, and finally when he started brutely fucking you with three fingers. He smirked at your state: he couldn’t believe he got a member from a rival gang whimpering for him...

  The man decided it was enough, and he was tired of foreplay, so he turned you around and pushed down your pants until your knees, followed by your underwear.

  “Nice ass baby.” He complimented in your ear, while his boner rubbed against your your back. 

  “All yours.” You said and winked.

  The man slapped your ass harshly and grabbed it. He then removed his clothes and rubbed his dick a couple times before grabbing both of your hands behind your back securely (so you wouldn’t try anything while he was in this vulnerable state) and inserted his member into you, no questions asked.

  He thrusted in slowly, and held your hip with his available hand, taking in the tight feeling of your core and appreaciating it as slowly as he could. Once he started getting more and more hungry however, he accelerated to harsher and more violent thrusts.

  “Oh God!” You moaned quietly when the man sped up his pace.

  He thrusted far in you grabbing your ass in the process, and you came in no time, with a whimper for his name.

  The man didn’t care about your sensitivity, he continued thrusting, until the nasty sounds your bodies were making together with your whimpers that soon returned threw him over the edge, and he came inside you.

  The dirty feeling of being filled by his cum drove you to another orgasm, that made you fall to your knees and shake a little. Not a noise was heard, beside the heavy breathing of the man leaning against the metal drawer, and your own. That is, until a voice was heard outside of the hallway.

  “Where is Y/N”

  Jungkook looked over to you.

  “I take it that that’s you.”

   You nodded and stood up, gathering yourself after all of this. Once you were dressed you looked at the man, with wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows: fear was painted all over your face. You were scared that he would still do something to you.

   Jungkook on the other hand, put his hands on his hips, looked down at his feet and huffed.

  “Man oh man, I can’t believe she escaped... She really must have caught me distracted.” He told you as he motioned to the window which you had gotten in from and winked at you, as he watched you leave with a thankful smile.

[chasseurdeloup-retired]

Brittle Blazes || Nicole and Kaden

TIMING: Current LOCATION: White Crest National Park PARTIES: @nicsalazar and @chasseurdeloup SUMMARY: Nicole calls in Animal Control to help with a totally normal not at all supernatural bug infestation. Nothing goes wrong what so ever.

A new day at work often meant a new set of problems to deal with. For the most part Nicole didn’t mind, it kept the job interesting. No day was the same. That particular day wasn’t expected to be the most exciting, though. Beetle infestation near one camping ground, they had said in the morning briefing. Animal control would be present later that day and assess the situation. Boring and annoying. Why people bothered to visit the woods if they hated the bugs was something Nicole still struggled to understand. How hard was it to bring spray with you? Perhaps they should’ve tried the beach instead, she mused as she made her way to the ground hours later. Part of her, however, wasn’t convinced the issues were caused by ordinary beetles. It didn’t explain the few trees that straight up collapsed near the grounds in the previous days, or the crying fits a few campers had experienced. Maybe it was all unrelated, though  if she had learned anything in the years at the park, very rarely that was the case. She stood outside the guardhouse, where she expected to meet with animal control, entertaining herself by keeping an eye on the campsite for any signs of strange activity. Everything appeared frustratingly normal, until she heard steps approaching. Hopefully they’d be done with the beetles soon.

There was a lot in Kaden’s life that didn’t make sense right now. Entirely too much, if he was being honest. Work wasn’t one of them. Work hadn’t abandoned him. It didn’t add to any gnawing ache of emptiness or questions. It sure hadn’t slowed down either. He pull his truck up to the guardhouse. He’d made sure all his equipment was in tow considering he had no clue what he was dealing with. Not yet. “Hey,” he called out to the ranger as he got out of the car. “Officer Langley, animal control,” he said, offering her a hand. “So what is it we’re looking at? Dog? Cat?” Monster? The call mentioned something about beetles and he hoped like hell that was a lie. He trusted the park ranger knew better than to call on animal control for that. “Or something else?” He didn’t know where she stood on the whole supernatural thing and he wasn’t going to be the first to let the cat out of the bag on that one. “Call mentioned something about downed trees, right? We looking at something large?” He’d take stock, figure out what he wanted to bring from his truck based on what she said. Either way, he was pretty sure his shotgun was coming with him. Call it intuition. Or just Wicked’s Rest.

“Right” nodding in acknowledgement, Nicole circled around the truck to meet with him. She went for a quick handshake, eyes only meeting his gaze briefly. “Nicole” with a mumble, she motioned behind them,“this way...I’ll show you”. Eyebrows furrowing at the question, Nicole paused before continuing. She had expected him to know something beforehand, the idea of explaining the ridiculous reason for the call making her dread what was coming. “Uh, not even close— really, shouldn’t have bothered you guys, but—” she began, her tone apologetic. An arborist would have dealt with the trees easily. “The trees— it’s just a few odd things piling up” trying to gauge his reaction, she shot a quick look at him. “We got beetles everywhere...people complained, then trees dropping out of nowhere” she had to mention it, despite no obvious correlation. It wasn’t even the weirdest part. “Then...then—” she played with her belt, bracing herself for the strange looks. Luckily, they were reaching their location, away from the campsite and past the bonfires. They would be near the pond in no time, and she wouldn’t have to explain anything else. “Then, two families...crying for no fu—for no reason. Bawling, couldn’t stop them. Thought some sort of gas leak could’ve been the issue but…” she clicked her tongue, shaking her head as they came to a stop. The beetles were crawling everywhere, that much was evident even if she tried to keep some distance. “If I can help with something, let me know”.

“Nice to meet you Nicole,” he said after shaking her hand. Oh, so she was using her first name. Was Kaden dumb for going all “Officer Langley” on her? Putain. He still barely felt like he knew what the hell he was doing sometimes with the official type stuff. The animals and monsters, however, that he could handle. Only he was starting to wonder what it was he was really going up against. “Yeah I heard something about fallen trees. So I assumed…” Well, it was his fault for assuming, wasn’t it? Shit. He rubbed the back of his neck a moment before pulling out some gear from his truck and following along. He hoped like hell it was enough, or appropriate. Guess he’d find out. “Beetles?” His mind started to narrow down the possibilities. Bug looking monster, alright. That, uh, well it left a lot of options for sure. “Alright. Beetles. Trees dropping. How big were they? And, uh, what do you mean by dropping?” She carried on about the families crying and what not. His brow furrowed, trying to piece it together before they reached the site. He was struggling to find the threads. Until he saw them. “Oh shit,” he said as he watched the maroborers crawl along the forest floor and trees. There were so many. “Putain de merde,” he muttered to himself. “We need to get out of here right n--” He turned and saw that they were surrounded. Small beetle sized monsters surrounded them. Monsters that made things brittle. Brittle enough to crumble to pieces at a single touch if they hung out with them too long. “You really should have called pest control, you know. And not-- putain.” He rubbed his temple a moment to think. He didn’t have fucking bug spray on him. “Fire will work. So will crushing them. But it’s a risk. Both of them. Fuck.”

Nicole pressed her lips into a thin smile at the pleasantry. One look at his equipment calmed some of her nerves. It seemed he had brought something for every possibility. “The size of—the beetles...or, the trees?” she took a moment to glance at him, brow furrowed in confusion. She cleared her throat, rubbing her jaw before continuing “Just that. They collapsed. Healthy trees—weren’t due for any kind of maintenance. No one got hurt, luckily”.  It seemed Officer Langley had managed to figure out the root of the problem the second he laid eyes on the scene. Her eyebrows shot up impressed, thinking of commenting on his knowledge, until he said they had to leave. Taking a step back out of instinct, her eyes widened at his reaction. What was so bad about some beetles? She did agree with him however, that Animal Control shouldn’t have been called in the first place. “Fi—fire. You want to...” she lifted her hand, pointing at the trees surrounding them, “you wanna to burn things...” in a National Park was left unsaid. Judging by the tone of his words she suspected he understood how absurd the suggestion was, or she hoped so. But, if he had been quick enough to assess the problem, she had to trust he knew the right solution. Even if that meant starting a fire in an area it was very much forbidden to do so. Still, she preferred to leave that as a last resort. “Got—I’ve a can of bug spray you can use?” she helplessly offered, hand ghosting over her pocket. No, that was stupid. Why did she say that? One spray wouldn’t do shit against all those bastards. She had underestimated how bad the issue was and the reports hadn’t been too informative either. “W--Why’s crushing them a risk?” she glanced down, finding a few of them crawling under her boot. It could be so easy to do.

“The beetles but I’m not sure I need an answer anymore,” he said, looking around them at the scope of the issue. Kaden really wished they had been facing a big monster knocking down the trees. Like a bies or even a werewolf or literally anything else other than what they were up against. He rubbed his brow, trying to plan the best way to handle this. Safely. “I’m really fucking aware a fire in a forest is a bad idea, alright. I’m just saying it would work.” And possibly destroy half of White Crest’s woods. Which might not be a bad thing considering how many monsters loved there. Putain de merde, no he couldn’t think like that. Probably didn’t work that way in this cursed fucking town anyway. The fire would cause something bigger, badder, far worse. “These bugs. They have pheromones or some shit that make things brittle. Very. They could drill a hole in your skin. Or worse.” As if on cue, Kaden looked over to see a tree covered in the marob just crumble right in front of them. Shit. Fucking shit they were getting closer. Instinctively he stepped on the few threatening to climb up his shoes, slamming his heel down as he killed what he could. He could already feel the rubber sole of his boot getting stiffer, his steps having less give. Fuck. “Spray a path!” he shouted at her. “And cover your face as best you--” A few of the bugs started flying, buzzing near them. He held his jacket up in front of his face, trying to shield it as best he could. “Faster, any fucking faster!” he snapped.

Nicole stared dumbly at Langley as he explained, processing all the information he was throwing at her. Pheromones. Making trees collapse. Drilling holes in your skin. Normal stuff. She swat away a few coming at her face, wincing as she another tree crumbled, this time in front of them. Her mind began to race. Tentative fingers brushed against her radio, debating whether to call for back-up. Did they have resources and equipment for skin drilling bugs? No, they most definitely didn’t. She lowered her hand, deciding against her initial idea. It would only expose more people to it. She could run back, it wouldn’t take her more than a couple  minutes. And then what? Bring the whole stock of bug spray? No, they needed to act fast. She was already failing by going over possibilities while the officer was already taking action. It was just them against the bugs, then. His shout seemed to snap her out of her thoughts, and with a swift move she seized the bottle and sprayed as told. It felt like an uphill battle. As much as she sprayed, the bugs kept finding different paths to get to them. She raised the collar of her shirt to her nose, shaking her spray until it was empty. She coughed, paranoia setting in. It was too late for her. She could feel it. Particles, pheromones, whatever the fuck, in her throat, in her lungs. She remained stoic, a slight frown the only tell sign that something was happening inside her. The bugs flew closer now, from every direction. “Look just— just burn it all down” she let out, breathless. No. No that wasn’t a good idea, it was a terrible, dangerous, very illegal idea. But she couldn’t think straight knowing she might turn into dust any second now. She stumbled backward, “I’ll—I’ll get some extinguishers. The—the bonfires are close...we have them there” and buckets, she remembered. They could use the pond's water too. For once she didn’t wait for the okay, she couldn’t waste another second. She shot one last distraught look at the officer before she took off as fast as her legs allowed her, no time for pretending to be human.

Kaden pulled his collar up to try and cover his face, but it didn’t do much. Putain, putain, putain. They were definitely going to ingest some of the pheromones, no doubt about it. He just hoped it wasn’t too much. At least she acted fast enough, spraying the bugs away and he followed her as they picked a path away from them. Or tried to, at least. He ran after her, trying to breathe as little as possible. Which wasn’t exactly possible while running. “Burn it down?” It sure sounded like a terrible plan but he wasn’t going to argue with her when he didn’t have a better one. “Okay.” His words were muffled by the fabric attempting to cover his face. She ran off to what he assumed was the bonfires. Really fast, too. Huh. She must have been a runner. Right. Okay. Focus. Burning down. Burn it down. He was going to burn down the forest to kill the maroberers. With what? That’s right. He rummaged one handed for his lighter. Shit, shit, shit, this was an awful idea. He looked down and he saw flakes coming off of his jacket. Putain. He liked this jacket, too. “Fucking hell,” he grumbled to himself, wasting breath he shouldn’t and breathing in more pheromones with every word. Great. He had a lighter. Now the fuck what? He stomped his feet around him, doing everything he could to squash the bugs nearby, frantically looking for something, anything, that would catch. Leaves. Pile of leaves. That was about to be overtaken by bugs. Putain. Kaden ran over, desperately holding his jacket in front of his face as he did, his lungs begging for deeper breaths, more air than he was allowing. He flipped open the lighter and did his best to coax it alive. It caught and started to burn, blazing brighter with every second. He scrambled for more leaves, branches, to build it, help it move along the woods. Hopefully she got back with that extinguisher soon. And shit, how to get the bugs in the flames. He exhaled a small sigh. Was he really going to sacrifice the jacket? At least it wasn’t his favorite. Putain. He shrugged it off him and started using it to scoop up bugs and throw them on the flames. The fire was growing as he did, but the bugs kept coming. Shit.

Nicole couldn’t remember the last time she had run at full speed. Years and years ago, no doubt. She had been too concerned with appearing human to ever attempt it. It was entirely too freeing, but she had no time to process the conflicting feelings. She powered through, despite the dryness in her throat and her lungs threatening to collapse. Long strides and fast cadence, she made it to the campfires site in a matter of minutes. Her legs weren’t the only thing running, though. She couldn’t stop her panicky mind. She was going to be in so much trouble. Probation time at least, if she was extremely lucky. What was she thinking? She wasn’t, clearly. If those things could get in her brain too, they definitely were. She didn’t want to think about the problems she could get officer Langley into. She had trusted him blindly. Stupidly, almost. He seemed knowledgeable and prepared. But what if he got it wrong? What if arson wasn’t needed and she had gone and supported him on that insane idea for nothing? She burst into the empty station and barged straight into the storage to gather what she needed. One, two fire extinguishers. The biggest they had. Her chest heaved painfully, eyes darting across the poorly illuminated room. Her stomach sank. She didn’t have enough hands for every item. Tears began to sting in the corners of her eyes. Was it frustration at her incompetence to blame, or the bug’s pheromones doing its work? She couldn’t tell. Both were equally likely. Judging by the smell, Langley had succeeded at starting the fire. He needed her now. Fuck, it was such a bad idea. She blinked tears away furiously, stacking a couple of buckets and slid her hand under the handles, holding them with her wrist. Two extinguishers in her hands, she took off. She clenched her jaw, breathing sharply through her nose. The knot in her throat was messing with her. The smoke column was easy to spot, and within minutes, she made it back to the officer. To say he was struggling was an understatement. “Fuck” fuck, fuck, fuck. He didn’t look close to done. They couldn’t put out  the fire yet. She dropped everything and took off her own jacket, imitating the man’s motion to lure the bugs into the fire. People would start to notice if they hadn’t already. The smell, the smoke. “Now what?!”, her shout was muffled by the elbow covering her nose.

“That was fast,” Kaden said as she came sprinting back with the extinguishers. He’d hardly noticed she had left. Might not have even believed she had made it all the way there and back  had it not been for the extinguishers in her hand. Little by little, the fire was growing, but it was slow. “Come on, come on,” Kaden said to it, as if it could respond to him. Shit, that was stupid. Speaking meant he was breathing more. And that meant… Fuck. He kept shoveling bugs into the flames alongside her. It was doing something, but not enough. He had to figure something out. He had to. He turned around, spinning, looking for anything when he crashed right into her as she was continuing funnel bugs to the flames. “Watch it!” he snapped. It was harsher than he’d expected it to be, angry and sharp. Huh. Oh well. Even so, something clicked. “Bug spray! Now!” he said as he reached out to yank the can from her. He turned and started spraying a line on the ground, back and forth, as much as he could. Then he pulled out his lighter again. “Back up!” It was the only warning he gave before he set the area on fire. The flames roared to life, brighter and faster than the other. He threw more leaves and under brush towards it along with whatever insects he could manage. “Get off me you fucking assholes!” he yelled at them as he flung them away from him. The bugs were dwindling. The just might have dealt with them. The problem was the fire was catching. Rapidly. “Shit. Shit! We have to run! Or something!” he said, backing up towards her. He wasn’t sure a fire extinguisher or two was going to cut it. Putain.

Focused on the task at hand, Nicole could barely hear what the officer was saying, choosing to remain quiet instead. Her brain registered his words a moment later. She had been so concerned about the urgency of the situation that she hadn’t stopped to consider how fast she had been. She hoped, with the adrenaline of the moment he wouldn’t pick up on certain things. After all, who would think about sprint times when the threat of turning into dust loomed over them. Priorities, right? It was becoming difficult to breathe properly while covering her face from the beetles and the tears filling her eyes didn’t help to guide the bugs the right way. She huffed when he crashed into her, but stood her ground. Through glossy eyes she shot him an angry look. Did he have to be so clumsy? She shook her head, that was hardly something to get mad about, the fuck? She let him take the spray, surprised there was any left, but it seemed to do the trick. The fire grew faster than before. Perhaps a little too fast— in the blink of an eye it seemed to get out of hand. Not that she ever fully believed starting a fire was a good idea to begin with, but seeing the rapid destruction in front of her brought more tears to her eyes. She couldn’t blame it on bugs’ pheromones. Though maybe it was increasing her own proclivity to cry about many things. She had to call the fire management unit. If people saw she stood there and did nothing to stop the flames she’d be fired. She reached for her radio, but a wild flame jumped toward them. She stumbled backward, as Langley shouted for them to run. That was smart yes, but she couldn’t do that. She didn’t do smart. ‘Or something’ sounded better. Her hand closed on his forearm and she forcefully tugged him backward, to where she had dropped the extinguishers. Taking one, she pulled the pin to unlock it, wasting no time to squeeze the levers. “Get the other one!” the knot in her throat made her voice shaky, her order sounding more like a plea. They had to control it somehow.

Kaden was prepared to take off running. He wasn’t a fucking fire fighter. He threw himself into a lot of danger, sure, but standing around while there was a fucking forest fire? Not one of them. But she grabbed his wrist and kept him there. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he shot her. “Just us and two fucking fire ex--” He started coughing before he could get all the words out. But honestly, they were going to be the force to stop this shit? Fucking hell. He still thought they should run. It was clear she wasn’t leaving, though. He could pick her up and carry her. Fuck, that’d slow him down way too much it wouldn’t be worth it. “Bordel de merde, “ he grumbled to himself, picking up the stupid fucking extinguisher. This was moronic. He tried to cover his face with his collar again before pulling the pin for the extinguisher. The heat from the flames stung his eyes and breathing was getting harder and harder. But he didn’t have much of a choice, did he? He stood there and doused the flames as best he could with the extinguisher. At first, he wasn’t sure if it was working, the flames seemed like they were fighting back with everything they had. But there was no other option but to stand there and keep trying. At least for now. “Is this,” he coughed some more, “is this working?”

“Just— shut...shut the fuck up and help, jesus!” despite hearing her own voice, the words still felt foreign. Nicole couldn’t remember the last time she had been so frustrated. She didn’t have time to question her sanity. Not when all she could focus on was putting out the fire. Between the smoke and the pheromones, she wasn’t sure her lungs were having the best of times. Thankfully, their combined efforts seemed to appease the flames, if only for a brief moment of hope. It was easy to ignore the stabbing pain under her ribs, or the way her legs felt like giving up when it appeared they would get things under control. At least, she couldn’t see any more beetles flying. Small victories. The fire fought back, however, extending despite the initial decline. It caught nearby trees, violently consuming one. It crumbled in front of them, causing her to retreat. All the progress they had made, gone. She shook her head, groaning at the physical effort. No, it wasn’t working. “God” a sob escaped her lips, turning into a cough fit. “It—it’s not. It’s...n—ot” her chest heaved as she gasped for air. She tried to hold onto him, but he wasn't at reaching distance. She dropped the extinguisher to the floor, her arm felt like it was gonna fall as well. She had to contact the firefighters. They would ask questions, investigate, sure. It was their job. They’d realize it was intentional. She didn’t think the bug threat would be a valid excuse. But she couldn’t risk the officer’s life any longer. “Run....” she managed to rasp, weakly motioning him to drop the extinguisher. Bringing a hand to her chest, she picked up her radio and did what she should’ve done in the first place. She stumbled backward, trying to get to Langley. Now they had to run to safety before the flames embraced them.

“I fucking am!” Kaden snapped back. He grumbled some more as he continued trying to fight the flames. As much as they were trying to push the fire back, it was winning. The heat and smoke slowly overtook the area growing and spreading faster than they could work. It was more than some sily fire extinguishers could handle. For a moment, he was stunned and stood in silent awe. Then he felt the smoke prick at his eyes and lungs, snapping back into reality. Shit. He heard her gasping behind him. She suggested what they should have done all along. Run. She didn’t have to tell him twice. He turned and started to run. Every step felt harder and hard. His lungs pleaded for more air, but each breath pulled in more smoke. His pace slowed, the coughs started to take over as he stumbled through the brush. She was just in front of him. Good. She could run faster. She’d be okay. He didn’t have to worry about her. Just had to keep pushing forward. His legs felt like lead but he kept going. Until his foot caught on a root, sending him sprawled on the forest floor, doubled over and coughing. Fuck. He groaned as he pushed himself up. Had to beat the flames. Had to keep moving. A little farther and they were at the office, his truck still parked in front. “Get in,” he said through coughs as he swung open the driver’s side door, throwing himself inside. He had no idea if they were in the clear this far up but he didn’t want to take any chances. “I’ll call it in, too,” he said, “but we have to get out of here.”

Once she made sure Langley had understood the message, Nicole took off. Her legs weren’t as powerful as they had been earlier, but still maintained a good distance from the flames. Her attention was on the steps behind her, turning every now and then to make sure he still followed. Her stomach sank when she heard him stumble, freezing for a moment before she saw him pick himself up. She watched him until she was sure he could continue. And they ran again, this time the station in sight. Somehow she managed to climb the truck as he ordered, smashing the door shut. Only then she allowed herself to believe danger was behind them. She threw her head back, panting painfully. The pressure in her chest wouldn’t let her catch her breath. She lifted her arm to her forehead, noticing how hot her skin was. She was dying for some water. She turned in her seat, trying to get a look through the back window. They were at a safe distance, but the flames would keep growing. Her heart hammered wildly in her ears. Or was it his? Bringing the radio to her lips, she waited. When the other end spoke up, she let out a shaky breath before relaying the information. She did her best not to let her voice waver, being as precise as her foggy brain allowed her. After the location details, she advised to dispatch more than one management unit, though she figured they’d assess that on site. Once the static signaled the end of the conversation, she groaned, another fit of cough taking over her body. She spared one look at the officer. She was ready to hear the ‘I told you so’. She deserved it. She had been so reckless. And shit— was she going to keep crying? How powerful were those bugs? She closed her eyes, shaking her head. “Shit...you alright?” No, of course not. What could she even say to him? “Sorry for— snapping at you and…” she coughed, “sorry...I really thought—-I don’t...don’t know what I thought.”

As soon as they were both in the truck, Kaden took off down the winding path back towards the main road. It wasn’t reckless driving but it sure wasn’t the pinnacle of safety. He grabbed his own radio and started calling it into the WCPD, doubling down on the need for the fire department. The fire in the woods would only grow for the time being, it would swallow up everything in sight. He needed to be sure it wasn’t them. There were no screams in the distance, no marker of his imminent death that he could make out. That didn’t do much to stop his heart from hammering. He turned the truck, parked it at the side of the entrance to the park, leaning over the wheel and letting out a few more coughs he’d been holding back. It took him a moment to make out what she was saying in between hacking up his own lungs, but when he turned he saw she was tearing up. “It’s fine. You don’t--” He started but sighed before he could figure out what he was trying to say. “You don’t have to apologize. I--” Kaden was fairly certain this was his fault. Hell, this was his idea anyway. He turned back to look at the smoke billowing up through the trees in the distance. He had no idea if it was the right call. The maroberers in that area were dead, certainly. But he’d helped burn down who knew how much of the forest. Then again, White Crest. Those woods were dangerous. Maybe it was the right call after all. “This was my idea. You don’t have to--” He looked back over at her. Clearly she didn’t have to handle situations quite like this too often. He wished he could say the same. “You alright? I’m not… I’m not sure if we can leave the scene. But I can see if one of my colleagues can drive by with something.” Kaden wasn’t sure how to be reassuring in these sorts of moments. “It’ll be okay,” he told her. “Just breathe. It’ll be okay. This will pass.”

It had to be the most intense car ride Nicole had experienced. If it weren't for the threat of fire hovering over them, it would’ve been a thrilling experience. That thought alone was proof her emotions weren’t in check yet. When he approached the park’s entrance, her breathing was  less shallow. Anger towards him bubbled again when he spoke. She would’ve preferred him to be honest. It was definitely not fine, not when the flames had already consumed so much  territory. Fuck, she hoped it’d stay away from the campsite. She opened her mouth to reply a few times, finding herself with nothing to say. She was even angrier at herself. She should’ve said no. Had she suddenly forgotten what her job was supposed to be? She forced herself not to think about her job situation after everything. She wouldn’t snap at him again, though. As much as it would’ve made her feel better. He couldn’t feel that great either. He had started the fire after all. “No. No we can’t—they’ll want” she pressed her lips tightly, frustrated at her own tears she shook her head, “we’ll have to talk to them” he knew, there was no point in explaining it. “I’m...I’m—the bugs...” she set her jaw, failing to explain why she still appeared to be tearing up. She exhaled sharply when he told her to breathe. She wasn’t even sure the difficulty to get air into her lungs was down to the smoke anymore, she really hated to be so vulnerable in front of a stranger. She couldn’t see, realistically, how things could be okay, but if that’s what he needed to tell himself she wasn’t going to go against it. Apprehensive eyes met his gaze for a moment, before examining his face. He was a mess, she had to be in a similar state. She wanted to thank him for not leaving her behind, but she couldn’t get her mouth to work. Eyebrows knit together, she nodded slowly. “Okay” was all she said, before opening the door. At the distance she began to hear sirens. All she could do now was to hope it’d be over soon.

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

So I went out and checked the damage finally. It was all exactly as I thought based on what I saw last night, aside from a brick I found on top of my cilantro. Beyond being a bit flattened, I think it will be fine. 

I gathered myself, turned on Marilyn Manson full blast (don’t judge, he was popular when I was at the height of Angry Goth mode. My first exposure to him was the Sweet Dreams video & I immediately thought ‘Oh man... from an artistic standpoint, the visuals are exactly what I want for my art.’ So when I’m rage mode but need to get shit done, I blast the Antichrist Superstar album or a selection of random tracks.) and got my gardening stuff together, then after taking pictures of the damage and how it was found (aside from the nightshade, I didn’t want to risk dumping her pot over again) started the process of clearing it all out and prepping it for compost. To keep from crying, I sang along angrily. 

The Spawn (who is still in CO) is LIVID. Not only is she pissed about the damage because she loves the garden and knows how much work I put into it and how proud of it I am, she’s pissed at my dad for not putting the cameras back up immediately after they fell. We started talking about who would have done something like this. After talking awhile, we both agreed on who our top suspect(s) is. 

Ironically, yesterday I posted about some of my unfortunate backstory in relation to how easily people with disabilities or neurodivergence can be abused. Now, the vandalism isn’t directly related to the post, as nobody aside from The Spawn knows I have a blog, and she doesn’t even know what platform I use. 

HOWEVER, the Ex I spoke about in that post, that I left 3 years ago is absolutely our top contender, along with his friends. 

“But that ended THREE YEARS AGO, Dr. Morrissey. Surely he has moved on,” you might be saying to yourself. “Clinging to something like that for so long is bonkers!”

yeah. Dude is bonkers. When we dated, he was still ranting about the ‘evil ex’ who dumped him 3 years before we even met, much less started dating. Dude doesn’t let ANYTHING go, is always either the hero or the victim in every situation, and has plenty of immature petty vindictive friends to ‘avenge him’. Hell, up until I nuked my social media accounts in early 2020, they would still randomly harass me. the first 3 months post-break up, it was so bad that I had to change my number. More recently, within the last month, I passed by a girl I know to be friends with him, and after glaring at me she loudly started chatting with her friend about “that bitch over there that fucked over Ex”.  So I know that he and his friends are still clinging to this. 

“There’s no possible way that dude was the victim here. How could he spin that?”

Well, first off, he pathologically lies. There are SO many things he lied about that only came to light after I left and his mother got in touch about something. Things of no consequence from his past. I can guarentee you that he framed it as me losing my shit because he ‘went out with his friends one night to get a break and was only gone 30 mins before I started blowing up his phone’ (this was a frequent thing. he would go to the grocery for milk, and after 4 hrs of him being gone, I’d call asking where he was and he’d claim that he couldn’t even be gone 30 mins to grab milk without me freaking out. When i would correct him saying how long he’d really been gone, he’d try to gaslight me into thinking that I wasn’t remembering correctly as to when he left.) Additionally, when I left pretty much everything was mine. It was all stuff that I had come into the relationship with or had built myself. The car was mine and in my name. His phone was on my dad’s family plan. Even the lease was predominately in my name, but I had it removed the day I moved out. 

As a result, he lost all the amenities that came with dating me. He lost his job and the apartment within a month. So obviously he would be the victim despite me being subject to his abuse for a couple years and leaving with shattered ribs that plague me to this day. 

I’m purchasing upgraded outdoor cameras for just the garden areas that screw into the wall as soon as I have the money. If it doesn’t deter the dumbasses, then maybe it will catch them and it will be someone I recognize, since this is the second time in 3 or 4 months that my garden has been obviously vandalized. 

and on top of all that, I went to check the bird feeder out back and found that the dogs managed to catch and then break the neck of a bird, so I had to hold my third bird funeral and burial this year. fuck my life. 

this shouldn’t need to be said but, don’t steal my fucking struggles and shitshow for your blog, online ‘news’ site, gossip site, youtube channel, or any other bullshit. Fucking parasite. 

[who-is-olivia]

Who Is Olivia?

Harry Styles x OC

Harry proposes during the recordings of Made in the AM. [4.2k]

Genre: fluff

Warnings: none

A/N: hello! fine line is on the way and i think i might have a creative meltdown when it arrives, so i'll just keep posting whatever i please with all the beautiful content harry's ever brought to light. this chapter is a throwback to old school 1D fanfics, bringing the boys back because i'm soft and i miss one direction =) enjoy xx

August 2015

“And you will find me... in places that we’ve never been, for reasons we don’t understand, walking in the wind” he sings in the booth for the 8th time, then stands quietly for a few seconds to give her a clean cut spot. “How’s that?”

“You’re almost hitting the note, but it’s not quite yet” Olivia comes over to the booth, “If you put more pressure in it you might find the best placement, come on, do it again”

He rubs his frown in stress, it’s late and he’s tired, having Oli press him is not helping at all. “Don’t we have a take already?”

“We have, but you can do better”

“Come on, love...”

“Trust me, you can do better-“

“Can we take 5?” he asks Julian, who just shrugs. It’s already late, it makes no difference. However, Olivia doesn’t take it half as well as him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m bloody exhausted, that’s what, and having you... diss me every two takes is not helping”

“You think I’m picking on you?” she asks skeptically.

“I’m just saying you don’t criticize Liam or Niall half as much as you do me” he fires back in frustration. Instead of lashing out as he expects she will, Olivia waits for him to calm down and then spells it out for him.

“The only reason I push you is because I want you to give your best. If you want someone to pat your head and shower you in compliments, you’ll sound fine, but fine is also mediocre” he nods in agreement, letting his head fall embarrassed. At the comfort of that position, he almost lets his eyes close but he knows once he does that he’ll probably fall asleep. “We’re almost there, just help us out”

“Alright... I’m sorry” he replies with a small sigh and so she pulls him to a hug, letting him rest his head on her shoulder as she strokes his back.

“Forgiven” she leaves him with a small smile and a quick kiss, “Don’t forget to put pressure on it”

Julian starts the recorder once again, signaling to him that they’re rolling before playing him the playback. “And you will find me... in places that we’ve never been, for reasons we don’t understand, walking in the wind”

Oli waits for a couple of moments before grinning, “I think it’s the take, come out here”

  After Zayn left, making the fifth album was insane. The four of them kept pulling to completely different artistic directions, Julian could barely help them with the singles so little he could give some coherence to the album. That’s when Oli decided to step in.

  Harry knows he pales in the shadow of her abilities as songwriter, virtuosi and producer altogether so he willingly gave her the helm. At first, the other lads were uncomfortable with her command, fearful that this was one of Harry’s things he does for love, but surely enough Olivia proved herself to be very experienced. Harry always wanted to be an entertainer, but he never truly endeavored to become one before the X-Factor, however Oli’s been almost genetically programed for that, studying music ever since she could talk, studying every part of the process and also rubbing shoulders with generations of rockstars. She’s the woman for the job.

  For their luck, Oli and Frank have been touring across America keeping track of One Direction’s leg in there, often making shows in the same city but a few days apart. To keep up with the recordings, she’s been making an extra effort, dedicating almost all her vacant hours to the album. As they often record in hotel rooms, it at least offers a place for them to pass out after endless hours of work.

“Check it out” she places the heavy headphones over his ears so he can hear the mix with the guitar base. Her whole equipment lies on the bed and over the tables, it’s the best she and Julian could assemble... at least it gets a really great sound.

“That sounds really nice” he smiles at her.

“See? I told you”

  She takes all the material they recorded and starts mixing with Julian at their improvised studio. At some point, Liam and Louis decide to participate, leaving Oli free to rest after long hours of work. She curls up in the bed and immediately blacks out, making Harry feel a bit guilty – through all his hissy fits about exhaustion he never once considered how tired she must’ve been feeling, as not once did she bring it up. But now there’s no point in apologizing, he just lays behind her and spoons her back, holding her like a big teddy bear through deep slumber.

  He wakes up hours later with her still unconscious in his arms. It takes a moment for him to realize where he is, getting up without moving her the slightest he notices Julian and Liam still glued to the computer. At the balcony, he finds Louis and Niall sharing a beer and laughing while the sun creeps up the horizon, so he decides to join.

“Morning lads”

“Morning, Romeo” Niall pokes.

“What’re you up for?”

“Trying to come up with something, we’re still missing a couple tracks” Louis explains, taking a gulp of beer. “You’ve got anything?”

“I always do, just don’t know if it could make it to the album” he mentions while resting his back on the railing. He keeps a writing journal full of poems ever since the band started, and in it he keeps great ideas that never saw the light of day. Recently, he wrote one that feels very personal and very cheeky... just thinking about it makes him laugh. “I don’t know if you’ll like it, but I have a really great one”

“How does it go?”

“It’s silly...”

“Why?”

“‘Cause I just play around with Oli’s name” they raise their brows, ready to mock him. “One of these days she was telling me something about alliterations or something like that, and I just played around with the phrase-“ he blushes, “‘I love Olivia’, because the L sound just bounces off. So I wrote a song for her that went I live for you, I long for you, Olivia, I’ll be now idolizing the light in your eyes, Olivia... see? It bounces off”

“S’ a bit on the nose, don’t you think?” Niall comments skeptically but Louis is thoroughly entertained. “Using her name on the song, it’s not very subtle”

“We’ve got songs with names on them” he argues, playing with the glass bottle. “Don’t see why not”

“We better tell Liam about it-“

“Tell me what?” the man himself walks through the door to join his bandmates with a bottle of his own.

“Harry’s got a cool song for the album but it’s got Oli’s name on it” Niall explains.

“Is she cool with that?”

“She doesn’t know yet” Harry clarifies.

“Well, is it a good song?”

“It’s not done yet, but it has potential” he insists while noticing how much their confidence as a group has grown over the past few months. They embark on his idea without even hearing the full song, although they’ve been rewarded for their trust time and time again. Harry came up with some great compositions this time around, taking all his experience with the band and Olivia in consideration.

“If you want, you can make a demo when we get to London and show us what you’ve got. I think we booked Abbey Road for a couple of days”

“Alright, I’ll give it a go”

  Before they start the British leg of the tour, they get a couple weeks off schedule which give Harry some time to finish the melody before actually recording it. The last shows of the American leg take place fairly close to New York, so he and Oli get to go home ahead of everyone else. Sadly, one side effect of touring for three months in a row is an empty fridge, making them drag their already exhausted bodies out of the house for their meals.

“Do they need someone for the orchestras? I know a guy who can help” Olivia tells, holding her Starbucks cup in one hand and Harry’s on the other.

“Thanks love, but we’ll record the rest in London”

“Oh, right! I forgot... shit, I’ve got to book a flight” she gets ready to fumble for her phone but he holds her wrist.

“I’ll get a private one, just chill, I’ve got this” he soothes, pulling her hand to his lips then smiling amicably.

She smiles back but it immediately flips into an irritated growl. “For fuck’s sake”, he turns around and notices a couple paparazzi snapping at them. When they notice they’ve been caught they lose all decorum and just harass them.

“Harry, how’s the tour? Are you taking a break?” one of them asks, shoving the camera on his face.

“Hey, back the fuck off-“

“Oli, don’t” Harry holds her closer, taking the sunglasses from his shirt and handing them over so she can at least cover her face. “Let’s get a cab”

“Have you been talking to Zayn?” another one asks.

“Would you please let us through? We just wanna walk” Harry pleads politely.

“Sure man, I’m just doing my job” a third one steps out of the way, helping him and Olivia reach a cab and leave the streets for good.

“77th with Central Park West, please”

Olivia watches the paparazzi stay behind as the taxi speeds by, “Where are we going?”

“It’s a restaurant beside Central Park, I went there the other day, thought you might like”

She smiles, “Look at you, all local and stuff”

“I’m looking forward to at least a year of vacation, might as well learn my way around”

“Oh, thank you, by the way” she returns the sunglasses which he stores in his shirt once again.

  They disembark at Central Park, being faced with an enormous queue outside the restaurant they were set to enter. In spite of it, they decide to walk around anyway. The park is a couple blocks away from their apartment, a purposeful decision as Harry appreciates extensive morning jogs when he sticks around. Although they come from polar opposite backgrounds, they both grew accustomed to New York and truly built a life in the city.

“A little blue bird told me that we’re recording at Abbey Road next week... is it true?” she taunts.

“Yes...” she celebrates discreetly, “You’ve never been there?”

“No, never! I always wanted to record something there”

“And Uncle Paul never took you?” he mocks.

“Very funny” she scowls in return, pushing him away.

“You know, it’d be crazy to go to Abbey Road with a Beatle...” he pulls her back, “What do you say? I give you the Road, you bring the McCartney?”

“He’s probably busy” she laces her arm around his, “Uncle Jim used to say Paul and Ringo only show up if there’s a wedding or a funeral... let’s see which one comes first”

“Let’s see” he looks down, his mind immediately sinking deep in thought.

  They’ve talked about getting married, they agreed to it months ago but they never made a move to officialize it.  They didn’t arrange a party, invite their friends or consult a register office — hell, he didn’t even buy a proper ring. For a moment he frets she might think he’s given up, they’ve been living in good graces for three years straight, the only reason they’re not properly married yet is... inertia. Maybe, with the stars aligning and time on their side, he can come up with something.

“What is it?”

“Hm?”

“You got all quiet all of a sudden” she rests her chin on his shoulder, “What is it?”

“Just random things in my mind”

“Yeah, no shit!” he chuckles, “Mind to share?”

“Have you ever written songs about me?”

She frowns, “Not exactly... I usually write about what I feel, and you’re usually the cause of that but it’s way more complex than that. Feelings are a mix of all the baggage you have from life and a catalyst, something that makes you express that. Sometimes that’s you, sometimes it’s not”

He sighs, sometimes she’s humiliatingly clever, “That’s very... fancy”

“I know” she holds on to his hand, holding another over her eyes as the sun hits them directly. “Have you ever written songs about me?”

“All my songs are about you in some way, shape or form, I don’t even have a fancy answer for that” he takes his sunglasses off again and places them over her face, she mutters a small ‘thanks’. “And it’s a bit weird ‘cause I always want people to relate to the songs but I feel like they’re too specific, might as well just slap your name in the title” he suggests almost as an internal joke with himself.

“I think you’re not getting this right”

“Yeah?”

“Take Uncle Paul for example: he wrote a bunch of songs with names on them and people still relate to it. Like Michelle, Dear Prudence, Sexy Sadie...”

“I think they listen to it more like made up stories than like autobiographies”

“Maybe, but you see, these songs have a clear subject and yet everyone can be touched by the lyrics. When you hear Dear Prudence do you think about Prudence Farrow locked up in her room at an Indian meditation camp?”

“I didn’t even know that story” he admits.

“Exactly, and you don’t have to! ‘Cause when you hear Dear Prudence you understand it’s about going outside, enjoying the day and feeling good about yourself”

He ponders, maybe his song can make its way to the album like that: being based on this incredible experience he lives every moment they’re together but still describing something everyone goes through, “Yeah, it feels like that”

“See? And he’s not talking to you, he’s talking to Prudence” she points a finger on his face to prove a point. “The best art makes you feel personally addressed, even if there’s a name between the artist and the listener. You can quote me on that”

“Alright, clever clocks” he pulls her to a hug and presses a playful kiss on her lips, which extends to this sweet contact in the middle of Central Park. This last album has been challenging, it’s pushed Harry so hard he sometimes feels he’s not up to task as a singer, a composer or a producer. And having her beside him’s helped him realize all the things he can do as well as what he can be better at. He breaks the kiss but keeps his forehead pressed against hers. “Thanks, love”

“I can tell when you need a pep talk”

“Really?”

“Yeah, my left nipple starts aching” he laughs between them and curtly gropes her left tit.

“This one?” she pushes his hand away.

“Stop it!”

  Their domestic week ends too fast, soon they’re back in London to record the rest of the album. Her words help him finish the song without any insecurity holding him back, in fact it inspires him so much that as soon as he gets to London he walks into Cartier and buys her engagement ring. He chooses a delicate one in rose gold with flowers engraved on it and a small diamond nestled between the carvings.

  Today is the last day of recording at Abbey Road and he decides this is the day he’ll propose. However, to do it right, he’ll need a plan:

“Lou, keep her busy in studio 1” he instructs, gathering the four of them on a circle with their arms around their shoulders, almost like a football team, “mess up as many takes as you can-“

“That won’t be hard” he mocks.

“Liam and I will record the strings and the vocals at studio 3, remember, you have to stall her there”

“We get it mate, keep her in studio 1” Niall sighs tiredly.

“Right, when I call her up, you wait outside the hallway. I’ll play her the song and ask, if she says no... please, pretend like it never happened-“ Lou smacks the back of his head. “Ouch!”

“Stop saying that, focus!”

“Alright!... when she says yes, you can bring it on” they all nod excitedly, “Don’t forget to bring Frank up!”

“We’ve got this” Liam hypes, putting his hand in the middle so they follow. “3, 2, 1-“

“We push!”

  The plan gets into motion when she arrives at the studio, leaving her coat at the door. She starts taking pictures of the lobby to send her Uncle, but as soon as she crosses the security Louis comes over and drags her to studio 1.

“Come on lass, we’ve got loads to do!” he pulls her by the hand playfully.

“Calm down, I can walk!” she groans but jogs behind him nonetheless.

  While she’s busy recording Lou’s uncannily messy vocals, Harry and Liam greet a violinist that plays the sheet music for the chorus and the outro. They’re recording and mixing at the same time, hurrying to get a decent enough base for the vocals with what they’ve been working on for the past couple of days, skipping through compressors and equalizers just to get something done.

  At the hallway, Niall is returning from the restroom when he catches Olivia sneaking out studio 1 to look for Harry.

“Oi! What’s up?”

“I can’t take this anymore, if Lou messes up one more time I’ll hit him with my shoe” she pulls her braids out of her face. “Where’s Harry?”

“I... I don’t think he’s here yet” he messes up the last few words. God he sucks at lying, and his hard accent doesn’t help one bit.

She frowns suspiciously, “You  sure?”

“We can call him later, come on” he pushes her frustrated self back to studio 1, “we don’t have all day”

  Few more hours pass and Niall replaces Louis in the recording booth to give her a break, they know he’s got the best intentions at heart but it’s not working a treat. Harry steps into the booth to record his vocals in one go, it doesn’t sound great but he can work on it better if they actually decide to put it on the album. He’s got a lot to prove with this song: for once, he has to prove himself as an artist that can make something incredibly specific and still relatable; and then prove himself to the band, even if it’s probably their last album he wants to be relevant in it. His songs were never really taken seriously, neither were Zayn’s, and he doesn’t want to thread the same path as him.

At last his input is enough, they get great takes and start mixing it together with time to spare — that is, until Louis rushes inside: “Lads, come on, she’s not buying it! Tell me you’ve got it”

“We’ve got it!” Liam replies enthusiastically but Harry holds him back.

“Wha- No! I-I haven’t got anything!” his heart starts racing as it never did before, the prospect of the big moment being so close terrifies him. “I’m not ready for it”

“Of course you are! Mate, you’ve been together for ages, this is just one more step” he encourages, holding Harry by his shoulders.

“Bloody hell... what if she says no?”

“She won’t say no!”

“What if she does?!”

“Then nothing changes! You keep on living your life just without a ring and a wedding date” Louis argues, crossing his arms casually as he tries do play it cool. “Now, can I call her in?”

Harry takes a deep breath and nods, Liam’s hands slip from his shoulder with a friendly pat. “You’ll be great”

  They leave the studio with encouraging looks, leaving him alone and anxious in the vast studio. He pats his jacket to find the box safely stored inside his pocket, one more time he takes a deep breath. This is happening. The silence seems to extend for ages when the door opens again, this time for Oli to sneak in. Once he sees her it dawns on him what is about to happen, but he doesn’t panic... instead he feels at ease.

“What are you up to?” she tip toes inside and sits on his lap, pressing a quick kiss on his lips.

“Just checking this demo”

“Hmm, quite the professional!” she mocks, looking at the tracks. There’s too few of them, only one vocal track and three instrumentals. She’s about to mess with it when he holds her hand.

“Before you play... just bare with me, it’s not ready yet, it’s just a demo –“

“It’s okay Haz”

“– I know, but it just might not reach your standards...”

“Harry... look, I know how hard you’re working on this, I’ve watched you learn this bit by bit for years. I had a lifetime of learning what you learned in five years, don’t be harsh on yourself” she strokes his hair with a humble smile, as if she’s begging him not to torture himself about it. “Now, may I?” he nods in response so she hits the space bar.

 The metronome count starts and a simple violin chord plays before Harry’s vocal kicks in blasting around the room’s sound system. Although she loves every piece of him to the bones, there’s something special about his raspy voice that gets her weak in the knees. She listens to it keeping her eyes fixed on the ground to better focus on her hearing. The first couple of verses are a bit weak, but she won’t say anything to an already nervous Harry. The following ones sound a bit better until it comes to the pre-chorus.

“Please believe me, don’t you see the things you mean to me oh! I love you, I love you, I love-I love- I love Olivia”

“Wait” she frowns at the computer, then the chorus progresses.

“I live for you, I long for you Olivia-“

“Oh my god...” her eyes turn to him in a bolt, he only smirks with those cheeky dimples of his and hugs her waist closer.

“... I’ll be now idolizing the light in your eyes, Olivia. I live for you, I long for you, Olivia-”

“Oh my fucking god...” he laughs at her reaction, covering up her mouth in a struggled gasp. “You didn’t!”

“I did!”

“When you’re gone and I’m alone you live in my imagination, summertime and butterflies all belong to your creation. I love you, is all I do, I love you...”

She chokes a bit at the lyrics, and that is the moment Harry chooses to get the velvet box from his pocket and show it to her. “Oh, come on...” she cries absolutely overwhelmed at the sight of that beautiful delicate ring. She was successfully fooled, in no way would she ever imagine that the sound he was working so hard on was for her and that it was also his proposal... still, all she can do is smile and cry at the same time.

“I think I’ve said it all already, but still” he starts, her reaction causing him to tear up a bit. “You said you wanted a ring, a speech and an ugly cry”

“I did, didn’t I?” she tries to say through a sob.

“Will you marry me, love?”

“Yes! Of course!” she cups his cheek earnestly and kisses him with all she’s got, leaning into him gently but with the sheer will of a hurricane. She breaks the kiss only to wipe her own cheeks and leave a strained chuckle, “I swear to you, one of these days you’re gonna kill me”

“No way, who’s gonna finish the album” to that, she can only roll her eyes. “May I?” he takes her hand.

“Please” she watches him slip the delicate ring on her finger, astounded by his attention to detail. “It’s so beautiful... everything Haz, seriously, the song is...” she huffs, absolutely speechless. Harry smiles in satisfaction, lacing her hips as she hugs his neck pressing herself completely against him, feeling his love irradiating from every pore.

“I meant every word” he whispers, cupping the back of her neck and showering her with small pecks on the cheek.

“She said yes?” they both turn to the door and find Liam, Niall, Louis and Frank lining up at the frame waiting to come in.

“Of course she did!” Harry answers smugly.

“She said yes!” Lou screams, sparking a big celebratory mayhem of champagne popping and flying paper around them. “You should’ve seen his face when we left, he was totally passing out”

“He was shaking” Liam adds.

“Thanks mate, cheers”

“Were you stalling me today?” she points to Louis in accusation.

“In my defense, I was told to stall you for the whole afternoon”

“Can’t believe you were all in it... how long have you been outside?”

“We got here when the music started, I gotta say... it’s really good” Lou compliments, handing them plastic cups of champagne.

“Really good” Niall joins, “We should put it on the album... I mean, if you’re ok with it”

“I’m more than ok with that” she laughs.

“Than that’s it! Just missing another three songs” Louis mocks.

“Can we take a break? Just got engaged, if anyone noticed" Harry shrugs, his inner egomaniac begging the attention to turn back to him.

"Cheers!" they join cups in the center an down the content of their cups merrily, then doing it again this time with Harry and Olivia crossing their arms to do so.

A/N: and that's it! just a small taste, i've got more stuff cooking, adore you has been driving me crazy all week but i'm still figuring out how it makes me feel and how it can become a story... you'll see xx

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