#um....I like analysis of whatever the hell is wrong with them

[ayitsbilly]

hi, im the madara and kanata anon from es-confessional! i wanted to say i appreciate your explanation, i guess to me kanata's bluntness towards madara always felt different than his usual one with others because he also has sweet moments with them, and because i always feel like madara is actually quite hurt by it and constantly trying to make amends and get kanata to like him again, so to me it always read as more actual resentment over something (even though kanata does obviously care about madara a lot, just never to his face lol) than just regular bluntness and teasing than kanata otherwise does. but thank you again i do appreciate it!

Oh oh, hi again!! :-)!!!

I'm glad you could appreciate it!! I am actually very glad that someone asked, so thank you very much for letting me talk about it and reading what I wrote, hehe!!

Kanata's treatment of Mama is definitely something unique to the two of them, so you're not wrong for thinking that!!! Dialogue like this comes to my mind:

It is different than with others, more intense and almost intentional, and that's what makes it special. It's a quirk of Enstars writing for the cruelness to be indicative of intimacy, which is kind of funny? I blame Akira.... And, you're right, it also doesn't help that these two have less tender interactions between them than others, which makes me feel sad too!! They do have their moments--the Dolphin Song idol story is one of my favorites to reread all of the time. In that story, they're really just hanging out, bantering with each other, and it ends up with one of my favorite ever exchanges between them:

Just look at the fondness in their eyes!!!!

But, overall, their interactions have always had this lingering, melancholy atmosphere to them, in addition to tension... It's really not the same as with other pairs, so, I understand your thoughts!!

Oh, and it's exactly as you point out, it does mess with Mama's self esteem, it does hurt, and I've always wondered if part of it is intentional. I say that because Mama's probably the biggest self-fulfilling prophecy in Enstars. Being mistreated so often in life will do that to you! It's a common thing for people who survived abuse, falling for the cycle of self-sabotage. It kind of goes like this: Madara struggles to believe anyone cares about her or likes her, so she will avoid her friends or even pester and provoke them, which makes them get upset at her, which then validates her own internalization that no one likes being around her. This happens most obviously with Kanata, considering the two and their insane circumstances (The Cult). It is very painful, and it can be super sad to read... but, on occasion, Kanata will verbalize that there isn't actual resentment there, which is reassuring, at least!! Here's a part from Purple Wisterias of May

The nature of Kanata's disparaging I think is less rooted in hatred, and more frustration ... but that doesn't really get communicated well sometimes. Myriad of Colors and Flowers (or, I think it's officially translated as Technicolor Flowers) portrays that dynamic pretty well, though...

I'm sorry, this is me going on a tangent, because I liked your questions so much, I hope that's okay! An interesting facet of their relationship is that it's originally (from a chronological perspective, not serial) Madara who is the mean one between the two!

From ABYSS, when they are both children. Kanata as a little kid was actually very sweet and loving towards Madara, who was, by contrast, more rude. The flip-flop in their behavior from childhood to high school is kind of interesting to me, huh? Um, but that's enough getting off topic!

TL;DR (because I talked so much, I'm really sorry!!!), your read isn't incorrect at all! These two have a lot of complicated things going on between them. Kanata is mean to Madara, and it does hurt, but it's not out of dislike, really its... a desire for Mama to stop being difficult, for once.

[rageofthemuffin]

Werewolf AU Extended Preview

This is the first 1300 or so words of chapter 4 in lieu of posting the actual chapter today. Full chapter will be up on Halloween. Enjoy!

----

Obi-Wan woke to the muffled sound of raised voices in another room and overwhelming nausea.  He kept his eyes closed and tried to breathe through it.  When that didn’t work, he tried to focus on the voices, thinking maybe whatever argument his next door neighbors were having would be enough of a distraction.

“You were the one who told me I was being irresponsible!”

“And I was right, but I don’t think you need me to point that out right now!  What’s done is done, Cody, and now you have to figure out how to deal with it.”

“I’m trying, but how the fuck am I supposed to explain something like this?  He’s going to think I’m crazy!”

“Right, if only there was some way to prove it.”

“Fuck off, Rex, you know I don’t like letting him out outside of the full moon.”

“Cody, it doesn’t matter what you don’t like!  If you want him to believe you and not immediately call the police, which none of us want, you’re going to have to prove you’re not lying!”

The voices got quieter, too quiet for Obi-Wan to make out any words, but he did come to the realization that those were not the voices of his neighbors.  He opened his eyes, blinking against the morning light.

Memories of the previous night came rushing back as he took in the log walls of the cabin.  Memories and…dreams?  Hallucinations?  Whatever they were, there had been a huge wolf.  Several of them, actually, but the other one’s hadn’t stuck around.  

That’s right, he had gone hiking and gotten lost.  He could only assume the owners of the cabin were the ones who found him, but he had no memory of them.  Unless, of course, one of them was a giant black wolf, but that seemed unlikely.

And what was that argument they were having?  Something about calling the police?  It didn’t sound good, but any further analysis was cut off by a rising tide of nausea that had Obi-Wan sprinting into the attached bathroom.  

One good thing about these increasingly alarming bouts of sickness was that Obi-Wan often felt much better after getting sick, and today was no exception.  In fact, he realized quickly how hungry he still was after not eating since lunch the previous day.  He rinsed his mouth out the best he could under the faucet and hoped that his rescuers might have a granola bar or something to tide him over until he could get home.

And on the subject of his rescuers, he figured it was time to introduce himself.  Obi-Wan went back through the bedroom, pausing by the door when he heard the voices again.

“I’m just like him.”

“No, you’re not.  Or, at least, this is your chance to prove you’re not.”

“I don’t want to hurt him, Rex.  Either of them.”

“For fuck’s sake, Cody!  You didn’t hurt them last night, so why the hell would you hurt them today?”

“Don’t act like you weren’t worried about me hurting them last night, or even two months ago when-”

“Maybe I was wrong!  I don’t know, Cody, he’s your wolf!  You’re the one who has to figure this shit out, and I’m happy to help you, but-”

At the risk of making things infinitely more awkward, Obi-Wan chose that moment to open the bedroom door.  Who knows how long the argument would continue if he didn’t?

Two nearly identical faces turned to look at him, both appearing a bit too surprised for Obi-Wan’s comfort.  Did they not know he was there?  

Despite his rapidly growing discomfort, Obi-Wan cleared his throat.  “Um, hello.  Sorry to intrude.”

“I made you breakfast,” one of the men blurted.  This one had dark hair and a scar near one eye, where the other had blond, shaved hair, and Obi-Wan squinted at the odd feeling of recognition in his gut.

“Wait, you’re-!” he cut himself off, not sure how to finish that statement.  The best fuck of his life?  The man he’d been dreaming about every single night for two months?  

The blond man snorted, standing from where he’d been sitting at the kitchen table.  

“Christ, good luck, mate.”  He slapped the scarred man on the back and headed toward the door.  “Thanks for breakfast!”

Obi-Wan just stared at the man standing in the kitchen, unsure of how to navigate this situation.

“Uh, hi,” the man finally said after an incredibly awkward stretch of silence.  “Nice to see you again.  I’m Cody.”

“Obi-Wan.”

“Obi-Wan,” Cody repeated softly.  “Okay, um, I made breakfast, like I mentioned.  I didn’t know if you were a savory or sweet breakfast kind of person, so there are cinnamon rolls, but I also made eggs and bacon.”

“Oh my, that’s very generous,” Obi-Wan said, eyeing the spread on the table.  “Wait, you made cinnamon rolls for me?”

Cody brought a hand to the back of his neck.  “I actually made them a couple weeks ago and put them in the freezer, and I was already planning on having them this morning, so it’s just the eggs and the bacon that’s extra, really.”

“Right, okay.”  Obi-Wan slowly sat down at the table, trying to ignore how intently Cody was staring at him as he served himself some eggs.

“And I didn’t kidnap you,” Cody added hurriedly.

“Oh, I,” Obi-Wan froze.  “I hadn’t actually considered that until just now, to be honest.”

Cody winced.  “Fuck, okay, that sounded really suspicious then, didn’t it?  Maybe it’s easier if you just tell me what you remember from last night.”

Obi-Wan took a bite of the scrambled eggs and paused briefly to marvel at the taste of them.  

“Well, I decided to go hiking.  I’m not quite sure why, as I’ve never been one for outdoorsy things like that, but it felt like the thing to do.  I got a bit of a late start, and I could have sworn I stayed on the trails, but I suddenly found myself much deeper into the woods than I thought.  It was dark, I was miserable, and now I’m here.”

Cody gave him a long, assessing look as he leaned back against the counter.  “That’s all you remember?”

Obi-Wan took another bite of the eggs.  They were fantastic.  “I suppose it’s not quite everything.  I think I had some sort of hallucination while I was wandering out there.  Quite silly, really.  There was this massive black wolf with the most striking yellow eyes, and I thought he was going to kill me, but actually he just pestered me until I followed him here, and then he practically tucked me into bed.”

Obi-Wan chuckled lightly at the thought of it but quickly sobered at the look on Cody’s face.  He wasn’t laughing.

“So, what actually happened?  How did you find me?” Obi-Wan asked after Cody didn’t say anything.

The man winced.  “It’s occurred to me I should probably have just let you finish breakfast first.”

Obi-Wan set his fork down, growing more concerned by the second.  “Did something happen?  I don’t feel injured or deathly ill.  In fact, aside from some nausea when I woke up, I actually feel quite well.”

“It’s not that,” Cody assured him, seeming to go a bit pale.  “I’m actually fuzzy on a lot of the details myself, but I think my explanation will be surprising to say the least.”

“I think I can handle a bit of a surprise,” Obi-Wan said, aiming for levity.

Again, Cody didn’t seem at all amused.  “You should finish your breakfast, and then we can talk.”

“I would rather just know now, I think,” Obi-Wan said, starting to get a bit irritated.  

“Are you sure?” Cody asked, his stance softening.  “When was the last time you had something to eat?”

“I’m not really sure it’s any of your business,” Obi-Wan snapped.  

Cody looked chastened, and also a bit hurt, and Obi-Wan felt a baffling urge to take his words back.

“Right, okay.  Would you prefer to do it here, or maybe the living room?  Or-”

“Cody,” Obi-Wan interrupted.  “How did you find me?”

[astarionsilverbough]

Lit Analysis Anon here to trouble u once again (can I start going by Lit Anal Anon? Just feels more fun)

Ahem.

@ Raphael’s brothers @ Mephistopheles @ Haarlep KILL YOUR SELVES NOW

I think this chapter really gives a lot of insight into The Boy. The early line where Raphael thinks “born men” feel entitled to divinity— hm. Doesn’t he, too, feel this way? Ofc with his parentage it’s a little more warranted, but I found that very interesting. Broke: saying ur a man bc gender dysphoria. Woke: saying ur a man bc ur climbing into heaven w ur own gay little hands and they BETTER open the door when u get there.

Question. Um. Maybe I’m misreading or you worded a sentence oddly but… is Haarlep… also… a child of Mephistopheles?

*reads the next bit* Oh. Okay so that’s apparently not a CONCERN for them. I see.

Gale’s simple but very earnest COURTSHIP of Raphael… hm. Kissing his hand, holding his arm to take him somewhere… the way Haarlep initially was a nobleman courting Raphael… grand and empty gestures vs simple but genuine ones.

Really into how open Gale is also, he’s pretty blatant about being into Raphael instead of trying to play coy. It makes sense why Astarion likes him as well, both him and Raphael can take someone that does smth they don’t LIKE, but the mind games of their tormentors would ofc leave them uncomfortable with uncertainty. Which Gale obviously sees, and his openness (imo) is what Raphael is attracted to at least partially.

Personally I think they should kiss just sayin. Also I am even MORE looking forward to astarion and Raphael meeting fr, I feel like they’d wrestle for Gale like two dogs w a squeaky toy 😂

Btw what spell did Gale use for tower time? Teleport? Or is this a modified magnificent mansion..? Or is it “whatever the hell spell this plot needs shut up”???

CLASS IS IN SESSION EVERYONE GATHER ROUND FOR LIT ANAL ANON'S DISSECTION PLEASE

i was nodding and going 'mhm yes mhm yes exactly yes mhm' as i read this i need u to know

haarlep isn't a child of mephistopheles - there are twelve devils and one (1) incubus, as incubi aren't considered devils and are actually demons, and in d&d devils and demons are quite different

and yes i also think they should kiss and there WILL be moments when raphael and astarion DO bicker over the mage, u are not wrong

it's a pocket dimension/doorway sort of deal i think idk gale uses it in game to like sweep u away when u do his romance so like it's just a gale being amazing and incredible thing i think tbh

also i love u

[anthemxix]

So... how far did Cia go exactly? I haven’t played hw but I’ve read several fics, and she’s always very... extreme.

hi anon! thank you for your ask!

by “extreme,” i’m thinking you mean stories where she’s a psycho who tortures link or forces unwanted sexual advances on him. which makes for fantastic angst! but that characterization of cia has never felt quite authentic to me.

in the game, she has a roomful of his portraits, like a shrine. that’s extreme. she technically starts a war because of him, which is very extreme, but i don’t think that’s about lusting after him, as people often joke. she says some off-putting stuff, and you could infer that she behaves in an inappropriately “seductive” way, but. she doesn’t really. do anything, like fics might imply. she’s creepy and lewd. i’m sure she makes him uncomfortable as hell. but as for what she does, the extremeness in fics is mostly fan extrapolation.

that’s my short answer! but i kinda got carried away while responding to this, and. um. wrote a lengthy character analysis of cia? XD i thought about not including it, but i spent so much time thinking about/writing this that i’ll go ahead and share.

in my opinion, hw does not present a clear picture of cia, and it skews fan interpretation of her.

(putting this under a cut because it got long 😅)

the story the game gives at the start is straightforward. there's a "guardian of time" (whatever that means) who watches over everything but never interferes. she admires the purity of the hero's spirit. she comes to love the heroes, then to want them. she's lonely. she doesn't want to just watch anymore. she wants to experience love.

gradually her desires become something darker. she doesn't only want the companionship, she wants to possess.

ganon sees this darkness in her heart and causes a split. the darkness separates from her, becomes its own person (a la dark link). the "good" part is lana, the "bad" part is cia.

for ganon, this is all part of a larger plan. in hw, his spirit is divided into four fragments that have been sealed away in different eras. he manipulates cia and gets her to open time gates so he can gather all the fragments together. a key fact: one of the fragments has been sealed away by the master sword, so ganon needs a hero to draw the sword.

cia willingly allows herself to be ganon's pawn because in so doing, in starting a war to force the hero to emerge, she thinks she'll get what she wants. throughout the story, she gives more and more of herself to ganon, fracturing her own spirit further and further, because she is so desperate to claim the hero for herself, to own him. lana repeatedly warns her to stop before she does irreparable damage to herself, but she doesn't listen, and ultimately she...well, dies, i guess. fades from existence. (that's how the original hw ending goes. they added stuff on later that changed this.)

ok, so. we have some interesting stuff going on here. arguably, cia is a tragic figure. a victim even. her underlying motivation is loneliness. viewing it through this lens, the story becomes an exploration of what isolation does to a person. how desperate it can make us. how we become willing to sacrifice anything for love--and i mean "love" broadly, not in a romantic sense. how it makes us vulnerable to manipulation and abuse.

let's also not forget the whole reason she focuses on the hero's spirit to begin with. after witnessing all the atrocities of history, she admires the purity and goodness and self-sacrifice of the hero. it has nothing to do with link being attractive. in her temple (the temple of souls), she has statues of different heroes from different eras, including wolf link and oot/mm link. she is certainly not lusting after an animal or a child, i assure you.

so why does she have frickin portraits of hw link, specifically, (not any other hero's spirit incarnations) plastered all over her walls, if not for lusty purposes? why does she dress so damn seductively? i'm not claiming lust isn't part of it, but i think there's more. she wants to feel surrounded by him, you know? she wants to feel like he's looking at her the same way that she looks at him--with desire. it's delusion.

and holy hell, she's nothing if not deluded. some examples of her actual in-game dialogue: "no matter what betrayals I may suffer, at least I know the hero will always love and protect me." and [to herself, as she's losing a fight] "the hero is still by my side... the hero is still by my side..."

and it's sad. she pretends that he loves her, that he will protect her, because she doesn't have any real love in her life. she doesn't have anyone.

and what's even sadder is that she's condemned to all these feelings and delusions because that's who she is. she is corruption and darkness personified! she's doomed to this lonely hell, to being ganon's servant, to self-destruction.

that's how tragedy, and tragic figures, are defined: hubris. characters that have an innate flaw that inevitably leads to their downfall. that's what a traditional tragedy is.

don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying she had no choice, or that she had to start a war. she can be tragic and we can sympathize with her while also accepting the fact that she's corrupted beyond redemption. morality isn't black-and-white. our understanding of characters, or of real people, isn't black-and-white.

...but. BUT. there is a major "but" here. the game sabotages its own character and its own story. the game opts for the path of least resistance. screw grey areas of morality, screw the tragedy of loneliness, screw exploring vulnerability and abuse and hubris... they sensationalize. cia is a joke.

have you seen her frickin outfit? her character design? she's an uber-sexualized caricature. all those portraits of link in her temple can easily be viewed as a joke, too. "lol, look at this crazy, horny bitch." hell, they even have her say innuendos about the master sword, like, “come show me what your sword can do” or something to that effect. 🙄

it's all very surface level. they don't go deep at all with cia. they give us no substance, only these little bread crumbs of information that i've laid out for you. and not only that, they set this up so that it feeds into old stereotypes. the salient details easily allow us to interpret cia, consciously or not, as an embodiment of feminine hysteria, a woman guided by irrational emotion and obsession, fixated on winning the ultimate prize of a man's love.

so koei tecmo's own confused presentation of this character muddles up fan interpretation and has us falling back on the familiar stereotypes we know and understand. that’s the basis for these depictions of cia as extreme. that’s what fans are extrapolating from when they try to imagine how she might act or what she might say. so in the end, she isn’t really depicted with accuracy. she’s like a caricature of a caricature at that point.

…or at least, that’s my opinion. 🥴

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LXXXIX

It was a love story from the very beginning

"You, me... And Sam."

Hello my friends!!! How are you? I feel much better now thanks to all your asks and your memes and your cracks, I adore them all!

Okay, putting that to a side, and still dreaming about how Jensen will give us the ending we all deserve, let's continue with this analysis, because is time to talk about the mixtape.

From butterflies in the stomach and Foreshadows of the new God

When the episode starts, there's a hint of what Jack's mission is. But coming out from Dagon's mouth, it became like a real bad future.

Dagon: Yeah. And he's not gonna stop there. Every sad, weak human, every tight-ass angel, every sniveling demon they'll all be consumed. So go ahead. Play your games. But whether you're healthy or sick, filthy or clean, He will be born. Good times.

Is almost the contrary to what Jack will actually do for the world. He will consume but it will be Chuck's powers until the last drop of it. And against Dagon's speech, he will save each demon and angel and restore everything.

Now, let's talk about CAS coming back to the bunker...

Gif credit @godshipsit

I think his face is saying everything here. The one entering in the bunker after go MIA, was Cas', so, Dean's face is scandalous.

Imagine that suddenly your disappeared crush enters through the door without previous announcement. Of cour we can read the bumping heart allnover Dean's cheek, his eyes went wide, in surprise. 'Is CAS!'

He was so worried this whole time, thinking the worst could happen to him, and now CAS is there, alive.

But his reaction to it will be completely different to Sam's reaction. This was settled to make us see the difference between how a friend would react and how a lover would react. Blatant.

Sam: Hey. You're all right. Um – Where have you been?

Sam is asking as a friend, but Dean, Dean doesn't...

Dean: Let me rephrase that for Sam. Where the hell have you been? And why have you ignored our phone calls?

Okay, let's just stop here, this is the way a wife will ask her husband. But because we are talking about Dean, we can see his shield. His shield is US/WE, his shield is SAM, because he wants to drag his brother into the feeling of being desperately worried. Because recognize that DEAN WAS THE ONLY ONE ALMOAT LOOSING HIS HEAD TRYING TO KNOW IF CAS WAS ALIVE OR WHWRE HE WAS IA SHOWING WEAKNESS, IS SHOWING HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR THE ANGEL. So, the theme of the I/ME vs the WE/US is perfectly written all over this episode.

Castiel: Where I was, the – the reception was, uh, poor.

Dean: No bars? No bars. That's his excuse. Wow.

Castiel: I was in Heaven. I was working with the angels. When I saw Dagon had captured Kelly, I-I thought they could help.

Okay Castiel is proving he is lying by himself here, because he said first he had not signal, and now, he heard one of the so many voice mails Dean had left in his phone.

Sam: And?

Castiel: Nothing.

Sam: Well, at least you're back. We're glad you're back

And be prepared again for the difference between the friend and the JILTED lover.

Dean: Really? No, I'm sorry. Okay, 'cause while you were striking out in Heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost.

Maybe Dean was waiting Sam to second him in his anger. But it was only in Dean's heart, the deception, and the recalling of so many days be worried about CAS. Because that's what romantic love makes you be.

Castiel: I know. I received your messages.

This was like a bomb for Dean...

Dean: Oh, you did – you did receive the messages? Okay, that's good.

Sarcasm...

Castiel: Dean.

Gif credit @starlightcastiel

Dean can't handle the pain in his heart of being rejected and ignored by Castiel, so he searches for his shield again: We/Us/Sam and me.

Dean: So not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us? That's great. 'Cause we really could've used the backup. But, uh, you were too busy with, um (Clicks tongue) What was it? Nothing?

Castiel: Dean, I –

Dean: What the hell is wrong with you, man? You know, whatever. That's (Chuckles) Yeah. Welcome back. (walks away)

Dean is so mad with CAS. And is blatant that his reaction is totally different to Sam's.

The Mixtape as a way to reciprocate Castiel's confession, and the desperate attempt to make CAS to stay by his side.

Okay, we are now in the scene. I'm sure this scene had been dissected by many meta writers. I won't say new things, but i will point a little to their body languages.

Okay, the scene starts with Castiel knocking at Dean's door to give him back the mixtape, so jus aknowledged there that Dean gave CAS a freaking mixtape, which doesn't have another meaning that ROMANTIC. But we can assume Castiel doesn't get this human's customaries, also, we can assume he does, because boop culture that Metatron out at once in his head... So...

After Dean, without looking at him, because he is mad and now he has to handle this angel lack of knowledge about WHAT GIFTING A MIXTAPE MEANS, he said "It's a gift, you keep those."

And Castiel gets nervous.

Gif credit @stardustcas

The swallow and the way he opens his mouth again to breathe and maybe to say something else, but he stopped himself. Castiel is nervous. I thought at first because he has to find the Colt, and he knew Dean kept it in his room. But we know now that it wasn't just that. He was flustered because the intimacy of the situation with the man he loves.

Castiel looks around before attempting to leave, maybe searching for the Colt, but then Dean starts talking:

Dean: Cas, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay.

And in the middle of the intimate scene, awkward moment, Dean needs his shield more than never.

Castiel: Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.

This speech is so important, because it shows how depressed Castiel felt, how uneasy. How unworthy. He needed to be useful. So he decided to start alone this dangerous journey that will end in his death. He also mentions the win. Because he didn't know he will be always Dean's win, as we will see in episode 13x06 when CAS comes back to Dean alive.

After they talk about Dragon, and Cas' asks if Sam and Dean are willing to kill an innocent, because that's dirty work, that's the mission CAS had taken in his own shoulders, Dean says this...

Dean: We will find a better way.

Castiel: You mean, we?

Gif set credit @deanwinchestrs

Cas points at Dean with the mixtape, because he wants to clarify if Dean is referring to them, to JUST CAS AND DEAN. YOU AND ME. THE TWO OF US. And Dean is now the flustered one. Look at Dean's face, being in just one spot, recognizing that the shield can be broken, that he is talking about CAS and him. Is too intimate. Too different. So his face is burning. And even so, the words are out. 'Yes, dumbass, we.'

What was this? This was an attempt coming from Castiel to get to know Dean's feelings. Pointing with the mixtape to just Dean and him. Not Sam here. Not shield. And Dean goes for it. Goes for that WE: YOU AND ME.

But then, Dean backtraks

Gif set credit @stardustcas

He starts explaining the WE, avoiding Castiel's gaze, he goes... 'You, me...' and then he tilts his head, and adds the shield back again: 'and Sam.'

The second gif is showing Dean backtracking, Because is too intimate, is too risky, he is standing on the edge between friendship and something else. He can't cross that line. Mostly because he is not sure about Castiel's feelings for him, and more now, after seeing how CAS ignored him for so long. Dean is like:

"What am I doing? Let's mention Sam here, and turn this into no homo conversation."

But the nervousness is all over the scene, i got nervous watching it because the awkward moment!

Gif set credit @stardustcas

More nervousness. Dean's flustered eyes. The swallowing. The attempt of staring into those blue eyes of the man he loves. (The butterflies in the stomach, the heart beating fast, the dry mouth) trying to make the conversation more normal, but their faces are loud.

Vas says he likes that and then Dean is more frustrated than never and his dry mouth is asking for a beer, or maybe he find a way out from the awkward moment, the gay moment. He needs to breathe. He almost let his guard down with this angel. And the desperate way to say STAY WITH ME. DON'T GO AWAY AGAIN. To his angel.

Castiel engages with a seductive look in the middle of the sexual tension

Sam: I mean, how did Cass even get the Colt out of the safe in the first place?

Dean drops his head. Sam raises an eyebrow

Sam Dean, you – you put the Colt back in the safe, right? Dean?

Dean: It was under my pillow. It – I like to keep it close. (Sighs) He came into my room and he played me.

Okay i can even explain the intimacy of this. Even if CAS didn't know about this and he just went searching all over Dean's room. Mention this after the huge scene full of romantic tension, has a meaning. Again: INTIMACY. And adding the "He played me" to all of this is another symbol way to show theme audience this was like that scene between the guy and his crush, in wich his crush takes advantage of it and plays him by stealing something from him. Yes.

Finally, when they find CAS... This scene...

Gif credit @stardustcas

Dean is mad, very mad at him. Because Castiel really played him. But... Look at the scene. Look at Castiel's gaze: PURE SEDUCTION. He maybe is aware of the effect he causes on Dean. And after the mixtape scene, he goes for it. Seduction as if they were in their first seasons together. And Dean is muted, and stares at him, then checks him out, and they're in their own sexual tension world, until Sam calls him. But he has to calls him twice because his brother is too embedded into Castiel's hot behavior.

But don't forget Dean is mad at him. So now, is Dean the one playing around with CAS. Throwing the keys at him and making him almost loose his stability to reach them.

Closing the circle

When Dean and Sam reach Castiel again in the middle of a battle with Dragon, Dean's desperation when Dagon is about to smite Castiel is high level.

But then Jack saves the day, not just showing CAS the future (the ending of season 15) but also, Jack gave him powers to finish Dagon.

Then, the scene in wich Castiel heals Dean is full of intimacy again. The lingerie touch, rubbing fingers. Because Dean is moving his hand slowly away from CAS touch but he ended by letting his hand to feel Castiel's rubbing his fingers. To let Castiel to heal him.

And then, CAS is gone again.

To Conclude:

12x19: The Future has Destiel all over it. Dean mad at him, reaching the level of a JILTED lover. Dean way to protect himself from another rejection using the WE/US/SAM shield. Just because he can't handle it. The doubts about Cas' feelings, and the way the angel always find to go MIA, makes his heart stutter.

The mixtape scene is one of the most emblematic. The nervousness is all over their faces, and Misha and Jensen transmite perfectly the romantic tension between the two characters and goes straight to our hearts, making us feel awkward and flustered too.

Hope you like this meta. See you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @agusvedder @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from season 12, here you have the links:

Vol. LXXV, LXXVI, LXXVII, LXXVIII, LXXIX, LXXIX, LXXX, LXXXI, LXXXII, LXXXIII, LXXXIV, LXXXV, LXXXVI, LXXXVII, LXXXVIII.

Buenos Aires, November 24th 2020, 9:36 PM

[cherry-gemz]

Healing Hands: Chapter One

Summary: You find yourself abroad in London as the Chief of Pediatrics. Everything has been running smoothly until you are faced with an undiagnosed case and the doctor assigned is anything but willing to face defeat. Will you be able treat the child's unknown disease in time, along while facing uncharted waters with love in the workplace?

Parings: Henry Cavill {Dr. Cavill} x Y/N {F!Reader}

Rating: Overall series 18+ only, Chapter is PG

Word count: 2200 +/-

Tags:  @evansamericanass @meowpurrbooks​ @lilithpaijiee @pterodactylterrace 

A/N: Trying something new at writing Henry fanfic. IDK if it’s any good, but either way wanted to start writing. LMK if you're interested, comments and tags welcomed! 💜

P.S. I am no means in any medical field or sorts, so if I get something incorrect on a term or process, bear with me xo.

----------------------------------------------------

You knew that it was a gamble moving to the UK for the Chief of Pediatrics position. But it was time for a change. You needed to leave Eugene, Oregon. Start fresh. There was too much pain there and you had to get away. So when your cousin, who was a nurse from Brighton informed you that there was a need at her hospital for the highly-visible role, you thought why the hell not? You'd score a free round-trip to England of anything and actually see some family you've never met if it didn't pan out. 

Little did you know that you'd fall in love with London: the weather, the people, the imagery of it all. Oregon weather wasn't all too different, so you acclimated well. It had been a few months of you settling in: understanding more of the language barriers despite it still being English. Knackered, cuppa, trollied. 

That is until you had a run in with the division chief of Pediatrics, Dr. Cavill. The staff adored the renowned and painstakingly handsome doctor. And while you could appreciate the view as well, you never were on the same page with his ideals. His defiant behavior of undermining your direction of the unit was becoming a thorn in your side. 

But this time, this time you'd had enough. He mentioned to a patient's parents, while with the speciality case, the hospital could take on their son's situation as priority and receive around the clock care. You threw down the patient's file on your desk and pinched the bridge of your nose. It was a lost cause, you had looked into the patient ever since you started the role.

The child seemed perfectly healthy and lab tests may show no signs of illness. But the chronic pain and fatigue were unexplainable. You empathized, but the poor child has undergone so many tests that at this point it was about providing facts to the parents. And right now, there was no cause of alarm. You weren’t a Dr. House, this wasn’t television. You didn't have the staff to dive into any research or clinical studies. You had a hospital to run, employees to pay, other lives needed saving. 

You picked up the phone to the case nurse on the pediatric floor. 

"Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Y/LN. Can you please remind Dr. Cavill of our 5pm? He's late. Thank you." 

Slowly hanging up on the phone, you turn back to the patient's file. The boy, Jon Foulger, was just shy of his ninth birthday. No positive results for Lupus or Guillain-Barré syndrome. But This case had been bothering you, poor Jon had been in the hospital for three months and still no progress on a diagnosis. While you were never known to give up on a patient, you knew giving false hope to the parents was detrimental not only to the family, but to the same of the hospital's integrity. You were in a high esteemed role now, you knew that you had to discuss further with Henry on his actions. 

Twenty more minutes passed by and you checked your watch. Fuming, you stood up from your desk and headed down to the pediatric floor by the lift. 

As you briskly walk down the hall corridors you can't wait to give Cavill a piece of your mind. You turn the corner and ram right into a brick wall, or so you thought.  Your hands instinctively pick up and see placed on the doctor's firm chest. You immediately flush and lose composure. 

You knew he was a good-looking man, but this up close and personal was a whole other level. His dark hair and curls were fluffy and good enough to touch. His piercing steel blue eyes looked at yours and made immediate contact. His bone structure made the Michaelangelo's David blush. 

"My apologies, Dr. Y/LN. Didn't see you there," his voice was like butter. 

You straightened out your white coat, "Ahem, yes. Well I seemed to have been lost in thought. My apologies as well."

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, almost an hour ago…" you shifted your weight to stand a bit taller. He towered over you with his muscular frame and height. 

"Patient...Jon Foulger. We must discuss the repercussions of your current actions."

"Jon-Jon," he replied stoic. 

"Excuse me?"

"He likes to be called Jon-Jon."

"Well yes, let's go to my office and discuss further, please Dr. Cavill."

"As you wish," he replied and pivoted his heel to the nearby lift.

The rise up to the 12th floor was a quiet one, awkward overall as you knew you had to give a coaching and hated the notion. You missed practicing medicine; while you enjoyed the administration of your position, the thrill of helping others and using your hands were erased with cases of employee performance reviews, reports, budgets. 

He coughed into his fist and then held his strong hands in place in a clasp. 

He finally broke the silence, "Enjoying London?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Have you had any time to take a holiday?"

"Um, no. Been too busy."

"It might do you some good," he replies as he looks to check his watch. 

You huff, "Somewhere you need to be, Doctor?"

"No, just checking the time."

His arrogance irritated you and now you weren't feeling as badly to give him his coaching. 

The lift opened as you arrived at the floor and he held out the door for you to exit first. You nod and walk to your office, your kitten heels clicked on the hospital's linoleum floor and the sound echoed through your ears. 

As you both enter your office you stride quickly to your desk to assume dominance of the room. 

Henry stood near the doorway, admiring your photos and certificates on the wall. 

"I knew you were American, but Stanford Medical? Interesting, thought you were from Oregon. When will you be returning?" You can't read him if that was a compliment or sarcasm. 

"Dr. Cavill, would you be so kind to shut the door," you state firmly and sit down, ignoring his comment about your return to the states.

His brow peaks and he nods, turning to close the door. 

"Please, have a seat," you say. 

"I'd rather stand, thank you," he replies and you know this is going to be a difficult conversation. 

"Well this will only take a moment then. Your recent behavior with the Foulger family, while I commend you for your dedication, has been slight askew with the hospital's protocols."

"Is that so?" His voice dropped and his brow arched. "In what way, Dr. Y/LN?"

You cough as the drawl of his mouth turns upward and you can swear there's a smug smirk across his face. 

"Well...for one...you've promised around the care of the child. Now simply put, we've exhausted all efforts for a diagnosis and until Jon...Jon-Jon…shows any new symptoms, we are at liberty to provide him comfort care for the remainder of the evening, but he will need to be discharged in the morning. We've exhausted him enough with MRIs, blood tests. I'm at a rock in a hard place, Dr. Cavill."

"The rock or the hard place where you give up on a child's well-being simply because you haven't thought to see him as a person? Rather as a number on your statistical analysis of how functioning this hospital is?"

His eyes pierce through you and make your knees grow weak. The nurse staff usually talks about him being a cuddly bear, always making the children laugh and smile. But this man before you, why he's no cuddly bear. He was a beast of a man. A grizzly in fact. 

"Now see here, I will let you know that this case is very important to me. All the children are. But what you fail to see is that for whatever reason you've gravitated to this particular case, you're chasing something that doesn't exist." 

His broad shoulders and strong neck tense at your words. He blinks methodically, as if he's scoping out his prey. No, don't let his charm and rugged good looks distract you. This is a man who is used to getting what he wants and you are a woman who knows perfectly what to do with that.

"And I believe you're blind, Doctor."

"Excuse me?" Your voice was shrill and short. "This is borderline insubordination. I'd be careful with your next words, Cavill."

"Pardon my frankness, Dr. Y/LN, but I've been here longer and know these patients in and out," his voice raised and you could see the hint of a vein showing on his thick neck. "Some of the children come from very poor and debilitating environments. We can't just cast them off once a diagnosis doesn't stick simply because we need the bed or we're done trying!"

"DR. CAVILL," you exclaim and let out an exasperated sigh. His demeanor changed and his upper lip curved slightly. 

“Dr. Y/LN. With all due respect, I think you’re making the wrong judgement call here. Things are not adding up with Jon-Jon, if we just give it a few more days...I feel like we’re making progress and I’ve labored enough research into it-”

"Again, while I appreciate your passion...”

“Passion which you need to show for the patient-”

You raise your hand to silence him, “This is not up to you, Dr. Cavill. As Chief of Pediatrics, this is my call. We will discharge Jon tomorrow if he does not show any new symptoms. If you disobey any further protocols, I will have no other choice but resort to disciplinary action. Do I make myself clear, Doctor?"

You press your hands on your desk and lean inward, portraying your stance. 

"Perfectly," he responded. 

"And another thing, I -" you start, but he turns and abruptly walks out of your office, leaving your door open. 

The nerve! Did he really just do that? Where does he think he's going? Didn't I just tell him I'd resort to disciplinary action?!

You rush out of your office and you see him striding through the hall. His strong posture, shoulders back eluded to years of boarding school perhaps or military. You noticed his fists were clenched and it gave you slight satisfaction that you chipped away ever so slightly at his ego.

It was going to take a lot more than that to send you packing, you thought. 

----------------

The next day came and went. You had confirmed that Jon-Jon was discharged with the floor nurse and while you were relieved to have handled that quite professionally, you knew it did not bear well with the rest of the staff.

You were still getting your feet wet and learning more about your team. It was solid overall, many years of expertise collectively, but they treated you like the outsider you were. No requests to meet for lunch or drinks after work. No camaraderie birthday cards seeking your signature or date night advice. Just the normal days in and out, pulling many late nights in your office, up to the point of exhaustion. You'd collapse in your double bed after work, stare at the ceiling of the small room you rented from your cousin, Laura, and try to drown out all the bustle of seven people in the same 3 bedroom flat. 

Just like any other day, You sat alone during lunch. But that never really was ever a bother being used to it now. You were excited about an audiobook you were meaning to dive into and right when you were about to use your airpods, that's when you noticed him enter the cafeteria. 

His presteen, crisp white lab coat was tight around his build. You could tell he took fitness seriously and wondered what he was hiding underneath it all. You unknowingly licked your lips as you watched him search for a fruit out of the bowl off the commons counter. Curious to know what he fancied: was he into a sweet apple or something more tart like cherries. 

He picked up a peach and squeezed it with his massive hand, making it look quite comical considering his size. His eyes met yours and you quickly looked away, trying to now draw any attention to yourself. You fumbled with your phone as you connected to the audiobook and heart his footsteps approached your empty table. 

"Good afternoon," he said. His voice was deep, smooth, and inviting. Not at all like the day before in your office. 

You play coy and don't bother to look up, fidgeting with your sandwich. 

"Hello," you reply distantly. He made you nervous. Would he bring up yesterday's conversation? Will he continue to look that delectable each day?

He smirked and took a bite of the fuzzy peach. There was a slight crunch as he dug his pearly whites into the rounded fruit. The velvet and thin layer of skin eased off and entered his mouth; he chewed slightly and let the piece swirl around with his thick tongue. 

You peered to look at him and his stare hadn't relented. He took another bite. This time the luscious juice slips out of the white-yellow fleshed fruit and down slightly on his chin. Oh, to be that piece of fruit and have him ravish you that way.  How he’d expertly use his hands over you and taste you with those lips.

He can tell you're still distant, however he notices you're unable to tear your eyes away from him. 

He walks over, closer to you now, and you can smell his cologne: a woody aromatic scent tied with a hint of suede. It's downright delicious and with the mix of the peach, your senses are in overdrive. 

What is it with this man and his ability to excite and anger you all at once? You not only want to put him into his place, you want to do so right here on the cafeteria table and have your way with him.

"Lovely day, isn't it?" He smiles devilishly and places the half eaten fruit on the table next to your phone and walks away. 

Your cringe and use all your might to not look back at him. He's going to make this very hard for you, very hard indeed. 

[fabdante]

The Vergil and Kat Post

So um. This like idk essay, analysis, rant thing took took like five attempts to write because I would not stop rambling and it’s still like just barely five pages long. And that’s after I cut it down from like 11 pages.

The short version is: Kat and Vergil are really interesting and complex as we view their relationship usually from an outside perspective which leaves much up to interpretation. If you’ve been on my blog for a while you probably know the interpretation I have of them because I eat up tragedy like candy, but that’s not the only one. 

The (very) long version is beneath the cut. And unfortunately this time there are no pictures. There’s some analysis but also just a lot of rambling. If Kat and Vergil, in any form, are not your cup of tea, this is probably not a post for you which is chill!

I’m going to start with the end. Vergil’s Downfall.

Recap, when Vergil encounters Hollow Vergil in his personal trip to his personal hell and all, Hollow Vergil eventually asks ‘but what would you do if you had another chance’. Vergil doesn’t answer. But since he’s the player character, we get access to his thoughts. And we get a montage of Kat. At first one might think this is about how the plan went wrong. Vergil’s regretting the plan. Then it becomes increasingly more apparent the thread that ties all the scenes together isn’t the plan, isn’t the plans failings. It’s Kat. Not Dante and Kat. Not the plan. Just Kat. The scene ends with a scene from mission 2, a moment from the end of the only cutscene Vergil and the real Kat share alone. There’s this little moment that seems to exist to show how pretty Kat is.

This is his last thought. Not the plan. Not how Kat relates to the plan. Not how he mistreated Kat in service to the plan. It’s just Kat.

Act one of Vergil’s Downfall is all about Vergil and Kat. The whole things a reenactment, just somewhat twisted, of how they met. Kat in Limbo, in danger from a demon, and Vergil doing what he can to help. He doesn’t hesitate either. He hears Kat call for him, call for help, and he runs. Except in Downfall the threat is with them, something he can fight and slay head on. So he does. But everything is wrong now. ‘Kat’ berates him. She tells him what Vergil must think she’s thinking. That she feels used, that she thinks Dante’s better, and all that. And Vergil tries to explain, he tries to justify himself, even if this ‘Kat’ is not his Kat. He wants her to understand, though. Because she’s Kat after all.

He needs to hurt her to proceed, of course. But he can’t. He can’t until she turns into a physical monster. Not until this fake Kat becomes something entirely unKat can he actually hurt her and proceed.

The Hollows represent aspects of Vergil that he needs to kill to gain power, as well as his insecurities and the people he cares about and more. Kat represents his humanity. So I suppose, in a way, it’s not surprising that she’s the hardest for him to kill and the one who receives the least of his cruelty that we see later in the game. But, the point still remains. He faces Hollow Kat first. And he begs her to understand him, longs for things to go back in what way they can.

(Also, an aside, it’s interesting to think about how Kat is not only humanity, but Vergil’s humanity. The implication being that Kat in a sense grounds him. A foil to how inhuman Vergil is.)

Downfall takes the scraps that the game gives and gives them a revamped, strengthened context for Kat and Vergil and their true feelings and intentions. The first game doesn’t give us much and why should it? They are built in a show don’t tell philosophy because, well, Dante can’t tell us about Vergil and Kat. He can only see. So we only see. But Downfall, we are explicitly told that yes, Vergil cared for Kat. She is important. And she is his one regret.

So, Downfall proposes that Vergil genuinely cared for Kat. And the base game proposes that Kat genuinely cared for Vergil. And it’s hard for me not to talk ramble when I talk about them because there’s…a lot of little moments between them that I love, little things that I find interesting to pick apart and wonder about (and have over the past 8 years). I’m going to try not to do that, though. Try being the operative word (I have failed all five write ups preceding this one).

Kat is often described as naïve because of her relationship with Vergil. But I think this is an inaccurate description. We never see her blindly trust anyone in the game. She doesn’t trust Dante because she just believes in him. We know this because she’s immensely skeptical of him and if he’s going to be helpful up until after the succubus boss fight. And we know she’s skeptical of him because she questions Vergil about it and she remains skeptical, keeping Dante an arm’s length away. She is not naïve. She trusts Vergil because he’s earned that trust.

It’s hard not to see how he managed to do that. He helped her kill her foster father and escape a bad situation, but it’s what happened after that solidifies this deep connection between the two. Kat tells Dante how Vergil helped her afterwards while she coped with the trauma and it’s something she mentions more then once. Kat’s trust and loyalty to Vergil is because he’s earned it. Because he has seen her at her worst and did not run. He stayed. He helped her through it. And still he stays now. It’s easy to imagine this going both ways, that seeing Kat ‘raw’ as he says makes Vergil vulnerable right back.

Plus, Vergil compares Kat when he first met her to Dante (‘He’s raw. Just like you were when I found you.’).  I think one would be hard pressed to refer to reboot Dante, the one with self proclaimed trust issues, as naïve.

So, we have a relationship of deep trust between the two over what is implied to be a long time. The sort of trust and intimacy you get when someone sees all of you and knows all of you. At least, I think that’s Kat’s end. When it comes to Vergil…well, opinions are complicated.

There are the three options of how Vergil feels about Kat if we simplify it down. One, he was using her and this was all to use her and get the plan finished. Two, he was using her but grew to care for her over time. Three, he was never using her and this was all real. I’m three all the way but one and two aren’t really contradicted anymore than three is. Which is an issue when talking about Kat and Vergil and trying to be all inclusive but also concise. There’s no one answer. There are just different opinions on what the answer is.

For me, it’s hard to reconcile the idea that he did not care for her with what we see in Vergil’s Downfall. Or when we have moments like his genuine joy that she’s alive in the server room. It’s hard for me to reconcile the idea of Vergil using her this whole time when it feels like a lot of work to keep her at his side when she can’t even control her powers. It’s hard for me to reconcile the deep connection I see between them.

For other people, the opposite is hard. Seeing what happened in the server room, seeing Vergil write off Kat entirely, seeing him call her useful and referring to humans as subjects, cannot be reconciled with the idea that he genuinely cared for and about her. Or how one could get a very loyal side kick the way he goes about this, saving her and giving her a home and purpose and everything. It’s an easy way into getting a loyal assistant.

All that I can tell you is how I see it. And what I see is two people with a deep intimacy with each other. The relationship may be messy and complicated and not perfect, but that’s what I see. That’s not what everyone sees, and that’s ok. That’s just what I see and that’s what this post is about.

I think its notable to about how important this relationship is because Vergil actually gets like, jealous about it. I get side tracked for too long when I go on about this so, in keeping things short, we see Vergil in the background get frustrated with things Dante says to Kat (namely the ‘I like it rough’) and we see him get kind of jealous in the game. But we really see it in Downfall. And sure, there are things he’s jealous about that pertain to Dante that aren’t Kat related. But there are things that do relate to that. We mostly see this, again, with Hollow Kat. She pisses him off when she mentions Dante being a real man. There’s of course stoking at Vergil’s insecurities since he’s lost to his twin and he already seems to feel envious about how easy things are for Dante and everything. But there’s also the fact it’s Kat saying it. It’s Kat who’s telling him she prefers Dante. That stings Vergil, this idea Kat cares about Dante more than him.

Part of this I think is from the fear that Kat will run off to Dante because of their similar backgrounds. They both have similar childhoods, something Vergil didn’t experience. Which, going back to what I said, a person who must pride himself on how well he knows Kat (and how well she knows him) must find that kind of threatening. 

There’s this scene added in the Definitive Edition. Before that we were left to assume Kat wandered the tower and that’s how she mapped it for the twins, but the Definitive Edition makes it clear canon. This makes the scene where Mundus records himself with Kat as a threat to the twins the only time we see Kat out of body in the game. During this experience, she assumedly betrays Vergil’s name to Mundus. Before the Definitive Edition scene, I always just kind of wrote off that moment. Kat’s under extreme duress, she’s just saying whatever at this point. I thought this for years after, to.

But then one day, after replaying the game for the umpteenth time, a thought came into my head. She’s out of body, in Limbo, surrounded by demons. She says his name because Kat is looking for him. She say’s his name because despite what happened in the server room, she still trusts Vergil. She doesn’t say Dante’s name, she doesn’t call for anyone else. She calls for Vergil. Because who else would she call for if not Vergil, the person she’s closest to and the person who saved her before?

It’s this sort of thing that makes the betrayal hurt as badly as it does for well, everyone. Us, Kat, Vergil, Dante. But focusing on Kat and Vergil, it’s the trust. It’s this deep bond between the two of them that’s suddenly shattered. What do you do when this person you think you know so well doesn’t do what you expect? When they do the exact opposite, actually? When they suddenly don’t understand you at all? It’s such a foundational relationship for the two of them to, it’s earth shattering to go from knowing a person so truly and deeply to looking at a stranger. This is all kinda true for Vergil who must have expected Kat to understand even if he may have thought she’d get upset. But this is all extremely true for Kat

It’s kind of a double sided betrayal. While I’m not really going to say Kat betrayed Vergil, because she didn’t she stayed true to her word and what she thought they were fighting for and everything, Vergil feels betrayed to, just like Kat and Dante. And oh does Kat feel betrayed. One of my favorite like, animation, character moments is like the pure disbelief, anguish and betrayal on Kat’s face at the betrayal it’s so well done. Like even the little look she does out over the city then back to Vergil like it’s just its good but not important back to topic. Kat thought they were fighting to free humanity. And Vergil seems to truly think this is for the best, if humanity is under his rule.

While one can argue Vergil’s goal was power, I feel like Vergil’s goal was the same he had from the start. Vergil wanted to free humans. He’s not even wrong, really. If Dante and Vergil do not put someone on the throne to replace Mundus, a new demon will take his place. Without someone controlling the demons, the demons will wreck havoc uncontrolled. However his wording could use some work. That said do I think Vergil is susceptible to power corrupting him. Absolute power corrupts absolutely sort of deal. I feel like him and Dante are similar in this regard, neither I think is quite equipped to rule with the amount of power that Vergil proposes they get. I also think Vergil didn’t think he’d get to this part, I don’t think he really thought about what happens after Mundus. Not the specifics. He ended up with this conclusion later in the game, and as a result never floated it by anyone. And to be fair, no one asked.

Kat always seems so full of hope at the end, right after she get’s Dante to stop killing Vergil and everything. She’s got these big Kat eyes, like she expects now things will go back. Vergil will say this was a joke and he’ll come back and things will be normal and she will have her best friend and the world will be safe. But that’s not what happens. Vergil leaves, of course (not after him and Kat have a long extended stare where they must be wondering mutually if the other will change their mind, if she will follow or he will stay). The whole ending in general from start to finish we get a lot with Kat and Vergil subtext. How she manages to get him to listen for a moment, even if Dante ends up getting him too angry to listen by the end. How Kat goes out on a limb to save Vergil, even if she didn’t have to.

She must be wondering, to, how real it all was. Dante’s answer I think is that it wasn’t. From what he saw, from his limited scope, it wasn’t. He cannot reconcile it, and why should he? He was thrown into their lives and resistance group with no context and he ends with little more. But Kat’s left wondering, and Vergil’s left regretting, and I’m left lamenting about the very large lack of post game Vergil/Kat content. 

I don’t know. I could keep going. At just over four Microsoft Word pages, this is the shortest attempt I’ve made at this. And I will surely write up some more analysis on them, I didn’t even get to talk about fun stuff like Kat’s theme (or the comics but I left those out on purpose I have…complicated opinions on the comic), or like more about the whole divine/human angle here. I could keep going on and on and on like analyze every little microsecond and sound like this:

Which, to clarify, I will 100 percent do if prompted lmao. But I guess the short of it is, in my biased opinion, I think Kat and Vergil are in love. I think it was real. I think Vergil found her and he helped her because she needed help. I think they know each other better than anyone else. I think some things may have gotten muddled in the mists of being in a rebellion and saving the world and that rebellion was their priority. I think going into the DmC: Devil May Cry post game must be complicated for them, unable to let go of the other but unable to come back. It’s the sort of complicated relationship and tragedy I find fun to write and to read. That’s how I see it, anyway.

Also I mean idk if we are to believe Vergil’s bigger dick comment as truth, who else saw both Dante and Vergil’s dicks? Who except Kat? Who else had this info? Who else would Vergil believe? Just saying. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.  

(edit: also I spelled hollow wrong like multiple times in this essay forgive me it should be fixed now lmao)

[liron-ao3]

Barking up the right tree

College AU Malec oneshot

Magnus looks up from his books as a student he doesn't know takes the seat opposite him on the study table in the library. The dark-haired man sends a shy smile his way and pulls a notepad out of his bag.

Magnus glances at the book titles. Medieval arms. A history undergrad, probably. He looks at his own textbook again, trying to fall in love with Shakespeare's sonnets, but strangely failing. He loves his major, but funny enough, he hates the English bard. But studying isn't about loving something, it's about understanding. So he tries again for the nth time.

Soon enough, a rustling of pages opposite him pulls him out of his analysis again. The student seems to look for something in his notes. His forehead creases in concentration, and Magnus suppresses a chuckle. The other man looks so cute like this. Maybe he would enjoy the sonnets more if Shakespeare had written about a beauty like him.

The other student seems to feel his gaze on him as his eyes dart up and surprise Magnus with their brightness and warmth. "Do I have something on my face?"

Magnus takes a moment to process the perfect voice fitting the perfect face, adorned with the most perfect blush dusting his cheeks. "No." The other man's lips twitch a little in amusement. "Just the most beautiful smile I've ever seen," Magnus whispers and the other's blush grows even darker.

Magnus leans back and raises an amused eyebrow. How can a gorgeous man like this be so easily flustered? He surely receives compliments left and right. But he stares at his notepad as if his life was depending on it. Such a shame, Magnus thinks and returns to his own notes.

Now and then, Magnus chances a glance at the beauty on the other side of the table, and more often than not, he catches the other man doing just the same. They share soft smiles and return to their study material, just to meet again after half a minute or so, repeating the same ritual again, and again, and again.

Magnus can't concentrate on studying anymore and goes through his best pick up lines, searching for the perfect one to bewitch the angel opposite him. But none of them seems to fit, maybe because Magnus isn't at a party, ready to get laid. So, the next time their eyes meet, he simply asks, "I'm Magnus. What do you say we get out of here and grab a coffee?"

"Alec," the other student says, smiling shyly at him. "Oh, uh…" he stutters but doesn't manage to end whatever sentence he was going for as a blond man comes from behind and whispers something in his ear.

Alec flinches away but moves back after a shocked second and turns to look at the blond, giving him a bright smile. He leans in to whisper something in return, Alec's lips nearly brushing over the shell of his ear.

Magnus has seen enough. He detests cheaters with all his heart, not only since Camille. But he for sure won't sit here and watch as Alec talks with his boyfriend right in front of him.

He packs his stuff, maybe a little too loudly for the quiet library, but he doesn't care. He thought they had a moment. Hell, at least 25 moments. What a disappointment!

Without another look, he stalks out of the library and over to the bus stop. He'll have to put his new noise-cancelling headphones to good use to block out Raphael's emo music when he has to study in their dorm room.

He runs a hand through his hair, annoyed that he forgot how much time it had taken him to style it only hours earlier. He should have stayed in bed today.

"O, call not me to justify the wrong

That thy unkindness lays upon my heart;

Wound me not with thine eye but with thy tongue;

Use power with power, and slay me not by art," he hears someone saying behind him, the voice louder than the first time he heard it back in the library.

Magnus scoffs in disgust and swirls around. "Really? Shakespeare? You're barking up the wrong tree, mister. Maybe your boyfriend likes to be serenaded with stupid sonnets."

Alec stares at him for a long moment, then reaches out his hand holding the book which he had just read from. "You dropped this," he says. "And I don't have a boyfriend. But do you have any suggestions with what serenading might work when it comes to barking up the right tree?"

Magnus hasn't blushed for a very long time, but he does now, crimson. "Um, T.S. Eliot, maybe. I love cats."

"The musical?"

"No, the animals."

Alec smiles warmly at him. "Good that I'm not allergic then."

Good indeed.

[curioussubjects]

So I did a season 15 rewatch and wanted to do a thought experiment

I know I often mention that the meta the corner of fandom I’m in has multiple points of entry, but I don’t think I ever just dumped plain text as a thought experiment before. Obviously, the parts of the text I decided to dump here are picked through a specific meta lens as well as being only a facet of the SPN text itself, since I only have the words and none of the complex visual language the show employs from set dressing to editing to acting -- and that’s a ton of info I’m omitting, I know, but generally speaking all text gets reduced to the writing even in the mytharc of the show itself, so it feels appropriate to use words on a page to do this. That said, this is just a start, and any analysis of SPN needs to take into account the full scope of the text beyond the words (with the one exception of a soundtrack pick in 15.10 because it’s too good to pass up).

Anyway, I started writing this as a simple “here look at this selection of very cursed quotations let’s cry” sort of self-indulgent thing, but then I thought, well, what if we could all take a pause from fandom stuff and finale anxiety in order to sit a little with one of the textual building block? What if we could even put a pin, for just a second, to the greater nuances and more involved abstraction about the text and think in bare bone terms? 

Of course, I have a reading here, but through the quotations I picked notice the repetition of themes, of words themselves. What is there? What is it telling us? Regardless of our personal wants and wishlists, whatever our feelings about what is and what should or shouldn’t be. And if we pluck these words and put them back in their context, what is the story trying to tell us? On its face, without any editorializing about what we think could happen maybe because we’ve all been burned by tv shows before. Or even do we really think the text seems so clumsy and lost and incompetent as some seem to think it is? 

Again, this collection is just on facet of the text. Think of it as a spring board, rock number 1. 

15.01

We were just rats in a maze. Sure, we could go left. Sure, we could go right. But we were still in the damn maze. Just makes you think, if all of it... you know, everything that we've done... What did it even mean?

It meant a lot. We still saved people.

When we win this, God's gone. Hm. There's no one to screw with us. There's no more maze. It's just us. And we're free.

We got work to do.

15.02

Chuck is all-knowing. He knew the truth, he... he just kept it to himself.

Even if we didn't know that all of the challenges that we face were born of Chuck's machinations, how would we describe it all? We'd call it "life". Because that's precisely what life is. It's an obstacle course, and maybe Chuck designed the obstacles, but we ran our own race. We made our own moves.

I'll tell you what we do know. Nothing about our lives is real. Everything that we've lost, everything that we are is because of Chuck.

You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.

I'm done, Chuck. I've changed. I've adapted. I've... I've become the better me. And you? You are still the same... petulant, narcissistic. So... I'm leaving you here.

15.03

No, we’re gonna end this, Sam. Like you said. We’re gonna be free.

And I'm here, and you're here, and everything we need to end this right is in our hands.

But will you let the world die, let your brother die, just so I can live?

I've tried to talk to you, over and over, and you just don't want to hear it.  

Jack's dead. Chuck's gone. You and Sam have each other. I think it's time for me to move on.

15.04

Wow. So you’re still, um… [...]  Uh, obsessed with my work.

You mean my work.

So instead of reading your stories, I kept writing my own. [...]  Where the guys didn’t have to hunt monsters all the time. They just sit around and do laundry and talk, you know? I mean, that’s what people like the most, anyway.

… this is just an ending.

I can do anything. I’m a writer.

We are finally free to… move on, you know?

I don’t know. Uh… I-I don’t know if I can move on. You know, I-I-I… I can’t forget about any of them. Dean, I still think about Jessica. I… I can’t just let that go.

15.06

Yeah. If I stay, nothing changes. It's time for me to get back in the game.

15.07

What would I do without you? Hmm? What would I do without my best friend?!

Angela was raptured, and I was left behind.

but... but best friends don't just up and leave without saying goodbye.

Listen to yourself. "We're owed." "We deserve." Come on, man. You're not God. Hell, God's not even God.

Then you fix it. You don't walk away. You fight for it.

15.08

No one hands you anything, darlin'. I took it.

Then one day, you die, you go to hell, they make you queen, and you can't make it right. So fix it!

Doing what we do, we've had to get used to losing people. Probably too used to it. With Adam, we said goodbye because we thought we had to. We were wrong.

Since when do we get what we deserve?

15.09

You just refused to hear it.

Maybe if you didn't just up and leave us.

I left, but you didn't stop me.

No, the Dean I know... the Dean who raised me -- he'd never give up, no matter how bad things got.

Well, he does. He will. This is the truth, Sam. This is what comes next. 

I hope you can hear me... that wherever you are, it's not too late. I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go.

Okay, Cas, I need to say something.

You don't have to say it. I heard your prayer.

When we beat you, I will make it better!

But there's still so much about the fabric of the universe that you don't know... that you can't know. 'Cause you're only humans. But I'm God.

I wish you'd stay.

I wish I could. After what happened, I don't know what's real anymore.

I know that was real.

If we can't kill him or trap him...

... Well, then we find another way.

15.10

You know, go out young and pretty. But now I've got a great wife, great kids. I guess...sometimes things work out.

Yeah, sometimes. Good, man. You deserve it.

~Let's be outrageous  /  Let's misbehave~  

You know, I always thought I could be a good dancer if I wanted to be.

15.11

Beach read? Lady, I’m Tolstoy.

God created the world, but you know who created us gods? You did. You humans. Sort of.

How dare you not recognize his beneficence?

Our bad. Not his

I learned from my brother.

What is with you and these losers? They’re nothing! They don’t matter.

They matter to us.

Heroes. Like the old days. And, uh, she gave me a message. She said, “Don’t play his game. Make him play yours.”

Every day I wanted to come home, but… I couldn’t.

Billie kept him hidden in the Empty until Chuck went off world.

15.12

In the beginning, it was just me and sis. And it was fine. But I wasn’t satisfied. So I made more. I created the world.

So, I… I kept creating. I made… other worlds.

Those other toys, they don’t… they don’t… spark joy. But Sam and Dean… the real Sam and Dean… they do. They challenge me… they disappoint me… they surprise me. 

They’re… the ones.

You know, Kelly just had faith that Jack would be good for the world, and I felt it, too. I knew it. And then, when everything went wrong, and God took him from us… I was lost in a way I’ve never been before. Because I knew the story wasn’t over. I knew Jack wasn’t done. And I was right.

What sounds good to me is Jack fulfilling his destiny.

I thought I could leave her behind, but… she haunts me.

Her world looked peaceful. This place is… cold. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to move through it. So, I just find empty spaces, and I hide. This world doesn’t want me. And I’m done with it.

We can fix this. You can help us. Please? Please.

Feels good. Disobeying cosmic entities, doing the, uh… dumb, right thing? Feels like we’re back.

I don’t belong in your world. You do. Go.

When I was a reaper, I believed in the rules. But then you killed me. And when I became Death, I inherited Death’s knowledge… and Death’s library. And in Death’s library, everyone has a book. Even God.

After God made the world, he couldn’t stop. He wanted more. But he needed to create a perfect harmony… a Swiss watch, so this world could keep tick, tick, ticking in his absence. He had no choice but to build himself into the framework. It’s his only weakness.

You and your brother have work to do. This is your destiny. You are the messengers of God’s destruction. 

15.13

Then there's no God, there's no Darkness. Nothing out of balance. World saved.

Okay, yeah, but then who takes over? Uh, Jack?

Probably not.

I used to feel things. In my bones. It was glorious, and sometimes unbearable. But I felt them. Now, I understand joy or sadness, but... I know those things aren't in me.

So it's possible he could work through this. One day, he may explode and let it all out and breathe deeply and move on.

A place... a thing... Whatever you want to call it, it's powerful.

Why do they call this place the Empty? This place is full. It's full of sorrow and despair playing over and over again, of angels and demons dreaming about their regrets. Forever.

Funny thing about her plan, though... she didn't say anything about needing you.

Maybe it's a key. It's a passage in Enochian. It says, um, loosely translated, "In order to be in the Occultum, the Occultum must be in you."

This is the Garden. Man's beginning.

His prize creations, until he banished them and all of mankind from the perfection of the Garden. And he hid it away.

Who are you, really? Who are you meant to be?

That's the crossroads of divinity and humanity.

Please. Just please forgive me.

[alarawriting]

Inktober 2020 #21: Sleep

Based on the prompt from @writing-prompt-s, “The worst thing a wizard can do is sleep-talk.”

---------------------------------

Words spoken by a person without the power thrumming through their veins were just words. Even the Words of Change, the secret language the universe was built in, meant nothing to the people without the power. But for the people who had it, words needed to be guarded carefully. “Umhaha”, for instance, unraveled thread. An easy mistake to make; almost every young wizard had a story about accidentally rendering themselves and everyone in the room with them naked, just by laughing a certain way after saying the word “Um.”

“Kefzhizoss” should have been a word that no one would ever say unless they meant to say it.

The young man was crumpled up as small as a human could make himself, on the bench in the police wagon. No one had confiscated the amulet of protection from his neck; like most such amulets, it wouldn’t come off while he was under emotional stress, pain or fear. But he was under a silencing charm, and the amulet didn’t protect him from being silenced.

The cleric was arguing with the detective on the scene. “It’s obvious he didn’t mean to do this,” he said, waving his hand at the devastation of what had been the young man’s home, with his parents and siblings. The broken remains of the wards that had contained the word, made sure the destruction spread no farther than their property, would have stopped the word if it hadn’t been spoken within their house, and there were other fragmentary charms present. One to prevent fire. One that would probably have protected books from water damage. There was one, still intact, that purified air as it went into the lungs of birds.

There were no birds in the wreckage, or bird cages. Neither were there human corpses, or any human beds, except for the one the young man had laid in. The destruction had been too thorough.

“Look, Elimiss, maybe I agree with you. Could be accidental sleeptalking. But four people are dead, and the damage was clearly done by the Devastating Word, and the only survivor’s a wizard. You see why I can’t just let him go, right?”

Tears ran down the young man’s cheeks, but there was nothing physically wrong with him. Either he was tremendously talented for one so young, or one or both of his parents had been very skilled wizards, to have created an amulet that had perfectly protected him and the bed he had been found on from the Devastating Word. It didn’t matter anymore.

“He’s traumatized! He needs a temple, not to be held indefinitely under a silencing charm—”

“Oh, for the love of all your gods, the kid can still read and write. But I can’t let a man who killed his entire family just traipse off to a temple to have his trauma healed. Did it occur to you that maybe a guy who killed his parents and brother and sister maybe deserves to have some trauma?”

“It was obviously an accident! He was wearing pajama pants, for the love of Merenethe Who Heals All Wounds!  What kind of devious, evil killer wears pajama pants and lays down in bed before blasting his entire home to ruin?”

“The kind who knows that people like you will assume it was an accident from that,” the detective said sharply. She was irritated that the cleric had felt the need to provide his god’s entire name, like he was offended that she’d invoked all his gods instead of his specific patron. “He needs to be interrogated, and we can’t let him speak until he’s told us his story.”

The man raised a tear-streaked face, brought up his cuffed hands, and with just one of them, signed, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over and over again. Both hands, he might have been trying a sigil, though the detective was an experienced enough wizard herself to catch that before it accomplished anything, if he’d tried it. One hand, it was obviously sign, and she relaxed. Only about half of all wizards knew some kind of sign language, which was stupid given the control wizards needed to keep on their speech. Sigils were much more complicated and couldn’t be done accidentally.

“Babababawa” brought a light, misting rain… into a building, if that’s where the wizard said it. It was a hazard of raising wizard babies, that some of them came into their power so early they couldn’t really talk yet, and their baby babble could very easily accidentally land on that one. “Sh’shoot,” an expression thaumnulls might say any time if they started to say “shit”, thought better of it, and instead said “shoot” as a full word without just following from the original sh – more than one wizard teenager had been found that way, growing up among thaumnulls, not knowing what they shouldn’t say. It made existing electrical current surge in power, and could very well blow every circuit in a house, or start a fire. “Kolonel” was a big problem with people learning the language as adults, who didn’t know how to not pronounce the word “colonel”. The only thing it did was create an impenetrable darkness that flowed out to the nearest boundary, if indoors, and a mile or two outdoors, until a wizard said “Kohanoel” to turn it off and restore the light… but people who’d said it by accident and hadn’t known they were wizards didn’t know how to turn it off.

The Devastating Word, however – the detective, being a wizard, did not even think the syllables to herself – was commonly thought to be impossible to say by accident. The “zh” sound wasn’t even common in this language; most native speakers around here wouldn’t even make that sound in their sleep. And here was Elimiss, the mandated social worker who worked with the cops to de-escalate situations and help folks with mental illnesses, insisting that obviously the man – boy, really, he probably wasn’t even out of college – had said it in his sleep, because that was what the plainly traumatized boy had told the cops when they’d arrived. Because a perp couldn’t possibly carefully plan out the excuse he’d use to get treated like a trauma victim and charged only with negligent manslaughter, maybe even go free, after he’d murdered his family. Right.

“Sanavah. I know we have to get his full story from him. But do we really need to treat him as if he’s a dangerous killer?”

Detective Sanavah ofWinterfall looked over at the destroyed house, and then back at the cleric, an expression of disbelief on her face.

Cleric Elimiss Elidanson, adept of Merenethe, sighed deeply. “Yes. I know he killed his family. But if it was an accident—”

“How does anyone say that word accidentally?” Sanavah exploded. “It’s just… not a thing you’d say!”

The boy signed. “We were studying it today. The Dire Words. I’m in magic school.”

Okay, so he was out of college. Magic school, like law school and medical school, was a graduate school; you needed at least a two-year degree to get in. “Why the hell would you be studying the Dire Words?” Sanavah snapped. “How fucking irresponsible would your teachers have to be—”

“Be professional, Sanavah,” Elimiss advised, and she wanted to punch him.

“It’s advanced work. Magical theory. We have to take the Words apart to determine why they work and have so much power,” he signed. “K-E-F-Z-H-I-Z-O-S-S was fascinating, I was working on an analysis all day… but I would never say it intentionally! I was calling it the Kef word.” He signed the individual letters, but ended it with the sign that indicated he was replicating a pronunciation, not a spelling.

Oh. Well. Maybe that changed things. Maybe not; it might still be a really good story. “You know we’ll follow up with your school, right?”

He nodded. “I don’t care what you do to me,” he signed. “Any kind of punishment. I deserve it. I killed Mom and Dad and Lifah and Raoun. But I want the world to know, it was an accident! I loved them! I’d never have said the Kef word in my own house, not without containing it first!”

“This the first time you’ve sleep-talked?”

“No… Mom said I’ve been doing it since I was a baby. Raoun insisted I had to move out and get my own room when I was eight because I was keeping him up at night. My parents turned my dad’s study into my bedroom.” He picked up the amulet. “Mom gave this to me so I wouldn’t accidentally hurt myself by sleep-talking, but I guess she never thought… I mean, I never thought…”

“I’m going to charge his teacher with negligence contributing,” Sanavah said tiredly. “Gonna charge you, too, kid. At least. I’d charge your mother, too, but she’s dead.”

The boy began to cry again, sobbing soundlessly into his hands.

“You believe me now?” Elimiss said. “I’ve had a feeling from Merenethe all this time that this boy isn’t a killer. Not intentionally.”

“That’s great. Very nice of Merenethe. I’m sure ‘a cleric of Merenethe had a feeling’ will be great evidence in court. He’s still coming down to the station.” She spoke to her forensics team. “You about ready to wrap up?”

“Yeah, pretty cut and dried. I think we’ve found all the evidence of standing charms we’re going to, and the Devastating Word would ruin any evidence of any other active spells,” Sofrani, the head forensic wizard, said. “We can head on back now if you want.”

“BTW, got a name,” the analyst, Charron, said. “Bylan Evertide.”

“That is not a real last name.”

“It absolutely is. Got it out of the city database. There’s a whole Evertide clan in and around the city here.”

“It’s going to be all right, Bylan,” Elimiss said. “The police and court, I mean. If you’re telling the truth, we’ll be able to get confirmation from an oneiromancer or a cleric of Morosma. We’ll clear you of wrongdoing.”

“Aside from the negligence and sheer stupidity of a guy who talks in his sleep learning Dire Words and then not putting a silencing charm on himself when he goes to sleep,” Sanavah said. “Elimiss, don’t make promises to the kid that you can’t make good on.”

“I know it’s my fault,” the boy signed. “Charge me with whatever you want. I won’t fight it.”

“Not how it works,” Sanavah said. “You’ll get a public defender, and if you want to plead guilty, you’ll have to convince her that you actually are before she’ll let you plead it.” She looked over at Elimiss. “You took your own pheasant over here, or did you get a taxi?”

“Taxi,” Elimiss said. “I don’t have a place to take care of a pheasant, I live in an apartment.”

“Take Elimiss back with you,” she instructed the driver of the enclosed auto-wagon. “I don’t think the chief’ll be thrilled if he expenses another taxi.”

“Will do,” the wagon driver said, and spoke a word under his breath, that made the magical engine that drove the cart fire to life. Elimiss got in the wagon, and the forensics team either got on their own pheasants, or into pheasant-drawn carriages, because no one got rich enough on a cop salary to ride around in an auto-carriage.

As she saddled up her own pheasant, who squawked in mild irritation because the beast had been enjoying plucking seed pods off the nearby mimosa tree and snacking on them, she gazed over at what had been the Evertide home. “Hell of a thing,” she murmured. “Come on, Basil, let’s get back to the station.”

Basilica, a middle-aged hen pheasant who was known for her reliability and love of sunflower seeds, snorted, flapped her wings, and took off. Running pheasants – named that because they were actually faster on the ground than in the air – had native magic that allowed their wings to work despite their enormous size, and they could easily bear a human or two through the air. A running pheasant could cross the distance back to the station fast enough, if it was through open or forested territory, but being on the ground, in traffic, mildly upset most of them and absolutely freaked Basilica out, so Sanavah had to fly back to the station every time.

[puckngrind]

Skating Lessons Part 20

Summary: First game back at NWA, Thanksgiving

Warning: swearing, smut

Word Count: 2450

Series Masterlist

You hear Josh talking with the car dealer but you are completely zoned out.  You sign on the dotted line, told the car will be delivered this week but wasn’t on the property.  Your mind was giving a mental list of all the things you needed to do since you announced to your parents that you were hosting Thanksgiving.  You and Josh decided with games on either side of the day you would just combine everyone to one big dinner. One. big. dinner.  With your parents, his parents, Seth, Boone and their moms, and anyone else who needed a place to land.  

“(y/n), you okay?”  Josh finally brings you out of daze.  “Babe?”  He holds your face in his hands outside of his car.  His hands surprisingly warm given he doesn’t have a coat on and it is November in Ohio.  “Talk to me.  What’s up?”  He is staring right into your eyes not letting you gaze away.  His thumbs rubbing up and down your cheeks.  

“I’m fine.  Really Josh.  Thank you.”  You place your gloved hands on his and try unsuccessfully to move him.

“Nope.  Not buying it.  And stop thanking me for the car.  Is it Thanksgiving?  Something else?” His voice and eyes are teetering on worried.  

“J, really, just making a list of all the things for Thanksgiving.  Also, just kind of thinking of us and all.”  He releases you and opens your door.  For once he let’s you hop in to the seat while he takes your scooter and quickly makes his way to the driver seat.  Starting the car Josh blows into his hands.  “I know the whole, ‘I’m tough Canadian hockey player who doesn’t need a coat’ is like a thing but I know you own several!”  Josh laughs at your chirp.  “And surprisingly your hands are warm.”  

“Can we talk about the whole thinking of us and all comment you just made?”  Josh starts driving and turns down the radio.  You inhale sharply.

“You seem too perfect.”  You breathe out.

“I’m sorry, you know that’s not true.”  He tightly grabs the steering wheel and glides his right hand down your arm and interlaces his fingers in yours.

“Yes you are.  You are too good to me and don’t get me started on Mason.  Now we are getting into the holiday season and I know your schedule ramps up.” You take a deep breath.

“You are right, but how do you know my schedule ramps up?  There is All-Star break by the way.” Josh dances his fingers in yours.

“Ok, so my dad told me that your schedule gets intense after the new year.”

Josh laughs, “Of course he did.  He’s not wrong but it won’t change anything just a little more ice time.  And I mentioned summer the other day?  And moving in together...and you have work and Mace and...” He trails off mid-thought.

“Josh?”  You lean to look at his face which is focused on the road.

“Yeah.” He voice stays steady but you see him flinch.

“Josh, now it’s your turn to talk.  What are you thinking?”  You nudge at his arm.

“Nothing.” His voice and the white in his knuckles didn’t match what he said.  “So what are we having for your American Thanksgiving?”  

You choose not to press it for now. “American Thanksgiving?” You questioned.

“Yes, A-mer-i-can.” Josh smirks and over pronounces the word.

“Um? Isn’t Canadian Thanksgiving the same day?” You question feeling like an idiot not knowing.

“Nope.” He popped the p and continued.  “It was a few weeks ago.  Remember when we went out to dinner and my mom Facetimed with my whole family?  Mason was the star of the show, of course.”  He laughed at the memory.

“That was your thanksgiving? Why didn’t you say anything?  Like we could have done a traditional dinner or whatever.  Invited over your Canadian teammates...” Josh kisses your hand and stops your over analysis that you were so wrapped up in life here that you don’t consider that your boyfriend is not American.

“I’m looking forward to celebrating all these holidays with you and Mason for the first time.  I’m sorry I didn’t mention my thanksgiving.  It’s not that big of a deal. I haven’t exactly been home for it since I was a kid.”  He eyes you and then darts back to the road.  “Thanksgiving with the team for American thanksgiving has kind of been my thing.  They’ve been my only family until....”

“You met us.”  You finish his sentence and you see a small smile return to his face.  You never thought about the fact that Josh had been away from home since he was pretty young and not use to having someone there for him that wasn’t attached to the team. “I’m glad you found us.” You whisper leaving the rest of the unfinished conversations for later as you pulled into your driveway.

- - -

The boys got a suite for the game and you realized when you went straight up the elevator the reason was for you. No stairs to navigate even though you had gotten better at maneuvering with the damn boot. Amy beat Michelle to embrace you and fussed over your leg. You thanked her for the flowers and silly memes she sent after your accident. You got hugs from everyone else and introduced your parents. Mason enjoyed the freedom of the suite. He could run from the seats to the bar area and back. You aren’t sure how but when he yelled for Josh during warm ups he looked up pulled off his glove to count down from 3 and they did their signature move.

“I still think that’s the cutest thing ever.” Michelle leans into your ear from her seat behind you.

“Agreed” You beamed as Mason made his way to your mom’s lap to wait for the game.

“You seem more comfortable.” Amy plopped herself down in Mason’s seat while he was getting more popcorn from the bar with Michelle and your mom.

“Do I?” Your eyebrow raises at her observation.

“Yup. I mean you were just on the jumbotron and tv for a good 2 minutes and didn’t flinch.” She laughed pointing to the television in the corner of the suite and with that realization you could feel the blush starting to form. “You looked gorgeous don’t worry.” She patted your leg. You saw Josh on the screen with his adorable puppy look he gives you sometimes but didn’t think about the fact that you may have been what he was looking at while he stood talking to Seth in the corner. “But seriously, you seem to be relaxed, in love, comfort.”

“I am.” You felt the smile reach your eyes and Amy gave you a side hug.

During the game, Mason bounced even more. Eventually landing on Michelle’s lap by the 3rd period. You didn’t realize he was there until his little voice started yelling, “Shoot it Andy!” Your typical chirp during games that Mason picked up. And sure enough Josh had the puck flying down his lane. You pushed yourself forward, holding your breath. You knew Josh wanted to score in front of his parents and your first game back. He shoots and hits the bar. He quickly got the rebound and rounds the back of the net.

“Come on Babe!” You yell as you hold the wall in front of him. And sure enough he shoots again. This time it goes in! Everyone in the entire arena erupts in excitement. Josh does his signature slide celly but turns and points his stick right at you.

The game wore you out. By the time you got down to the family room you fell asleep on the couch. You didn’t even realize your parents took Mason home until you are half way home and woke up. “Babe, you can keep sleeping. I’ll carry you in.” Josh’s voice was soft.

“I’m fine. Just out of routine with game nights I guess.” You shifted in your seat and clanged your boot on the side of his console. “And I cannot wait to get the thing off me!”

“I fully agree with that statement but will miss helping your bathe.” Josh chuckles.

“I didn’t say you had to take your own showers again.” You felt your second wind coming.

“Oh really?” Josh’s voice changed.

“Speaking of showers, I could use one.” You state as Josh pulls into the drive.

“I can arrange that.” Josh makes quick work to get you in the house and to your bedroom.

“Josh?” You questioned as Josh retreated to your room again leaving you leaning against the sink...naked.

“I bought a seat for you for when I’m gone.” He brings the bath seat and you eye it and them him.

“That thing looks heavy duty. Afraid I might break it?” You see the mischievous look creep across his face.

“Well I made sure it could hold both of us.” He smirks at you and you laugh uncontrollably.

Trying to be as sexy as possible, “so are we trying that out now?”

“Hell yeah.” Josh kisses you and places the seat in your shower and turns the water on while he undress the rest of the way. “Come here.” He pulls you into him and your breath hitches. Josh’s lips are intentional when they crash into your lips. His hands carefully placed to so you are affixed to him. He picks you up slightly and backs into your shower. “Fuck you were so sexy on the big screen tonight. You had no idea either, did my baby?” Josh sits down and takes you all in.

“No. Amy told me but I saw you and your puppy look you give me.” You rub your hand down his face gliding your thumb down his lips already dripping with water.

“Yeah, I got shit for that in the room but I don’t care.” Josh carefully pulls your now wet body down so your legs are on either side of his. He parts his legs and slides his hand into your folds.

“And you scored babe.” You run your hands through his wet hair and kiss down his neck stopping to suck where you know it makes him weak.

“For you. You give me an indescribable energy just being at the game.” Josh presses two fingers into you and you immediately moan out his name dropping your head into the water stream. “Fuck, I’m lucky as hell.”  Josh shifts and you feel his length on your stomach.  Gliding you hand from his tip to the base Josh’s teeth sink into your shoulder when you grip just a little tighter.

Josh moves his hand and lifts you up to help glide you onto his cock.  It doesn’t take either of you long to reach your climax.  Between the water and sweet words you kept exchanging you know Josh is close when you feel his legs tighten and his hand’s grabbed firmly on your hips which is all you needed to release.  Josh kisses your sweetly, “Did you need your hair washed?”  He runs his hands up your side to twirl a stand of hair onto his finger.  

“Actually, yes.  Seeing my mom tomorrow again, I should.”  With that Josh reached over and washed your hair quickly while staying exactly where he was.  “I’m not sure you’ve ever washed my hair while still...connected.” You cough laughed making Josh’s whole body shake.  

“It’s intimate.” Josh smirks and pulls you off his lap and you turn to shut off the water.  Josh grabs a towel and helps you dry off and climb into bed.

“Can you set your alarm too?”  You asked with your list of things you need to do for tomorrow.   “Yup.  What time are we getting up to make all the things?” Josh almost whispers.

“You are helping me?”  You sit up on your elbows.

“Yeeeessss...I can make some things.  I’m good at listening to directions.” Josh pulls you into his chest.

“Fine fine.  I guess you can make some things.  Set the table.  Do things.” You giggled and Josh taps your ass in a playful way.  “Unless you want me to watch the parade and football then ask when dinner is ready?”  He laughs.

- - -

Josh was the perfect sou chef.  You moved in sync and everything was ready or cooking once your parents and Mason got there.  Your dad, Josh, and Mason finished watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade while your mom joined you in the kitchen.

“You two really did all this?” She eyes the kitchen and then her eyes drift to where Josh has his arm around Mace both with the same look watching one of the giant balloons almost hit a building.

“Yes. Do you think I’ve missed something?” Your mom has always hosted Thanksgiving and she gave you the reigns this year was a big deal.

“Looks like it plus what the others are bringing.  You and Josh make a really good team.” She kisses your forehead.  

“We really do.” Your gaze shifts from your mom to the living room.  Mason was dancing around to a song and Josh had out his phone to record him.  He really was your teammate in more ways than you’ve admitted to.

“Knock Knock!” You hear Amy at your door and she leads Seth, Boone, Boone’s mom, Terri in to your home.  She gushes about how much she loves it and wants a tour.  You wheel through the house and she laughs when noticing the amount of Seth Jones posters in Mason’s room.  “Seriously, I’m sad Seth didn’t see you first.”  She laughs and you hear Josh’s throat clear.

“Hey! I’d fight him for her.  And you know i’d win!” Josh kisses the top of your head and wraps his arm around you.  “All of our guests have arrived and Santa is about to come down the parade route.”  Josh knew it was Mason’s favorite part but also yours since you could remember.  You made your way back to your living room and watched as Santa made his way down.  The magic of Christmas had been amazing the last few years but this year you could tell that Mason was going to be fully into the magic of the season.  You see Josh out of the corner of your eye taking a picture of the two of you watching.  You look over to see him typing away.  

“What are you posting?”  Josh leans over and holds up his post.  You see a picture of you and Mason with your family and friends mingling in the background.  

The caption read:  Thankful for these two and the support system we have.  

Happy American Thanksgiving all! 

[the-desolated-quill]

She Was Killed By Space Junk - Watchmen (TV Series) blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. if you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

The first episode was a shaky, but intriguing start. The second episode was both incredibly provocative and intelligently written. What about the third episode? Um... I’m honestly not too sure what to make of it, if I’m honest. I watched it twice like I do with everything I review and I genuinely don’t know what to say about it. I couldn’t even tell you if I liked it or not. I think I liked it.... but I couldn’t tell you why.

Okay. Sorry. Hi guys. Let me explain what happened. I wrote that first paragraph and then I got writer’s block, so I decided to step away from it. I had a nap, played a video game and then decided to watch the episode again for a third time with fresh eyes. Now my thoughts are a little more concrete. So. She Was Killed By Space Junk. Having watched this episode three times now, I’ve decided that I don’t like this episode very much at all, and that’s less to do with what’s in the episode and more to do with what isn’t. 

Let me explain.

Reviewing episodes like this one can often be very frustrating because it’s hard to tell what is a genuine flaw and what is merely setup for what’s to come. I have a number of problems with this episode, but for all I know, what I’m about to talk about might not actually be problems at all and will all be explained in a future episode. Or they are genuine problems and I’m inadvertently giving the writers way too much credit. I don’t know. That’s why it’s so frustrating.

My main point of contention is with the character of Laurie. First of all, let me just say that Jean Smart doesn’t put a foot wrong. She gives a great performance and is a good choice to play an older Laurie. The problem I have is with her characterisation. Or, at the very least, bits of her characterisation. I don’t know. It’s complicated.

Laurie’s inclusion in the TV series was something I was actually most looking forward to because I felt her character was kind of shortchanged in the graphic novel. Initially starting out as an effective and scathing critique of how women are often presented in comics, over the course of Watchmen’s story her role was reduced until she ended up becoming little more than a prop for the male characters’ stories. It was disappointing and it’s led to me arguing multiple times that Silk Spectre is one of the most underrated and wasted elements of Watchmen. The HBO series felt like a perfect opportunity to right some wrongs and give Laurie the attention she deserves. She Was Killed By Space Junk certainly gave her the focus and attention she didn’t receive in the graphic novel, but I’m very much struggling to ascertain what the show was trying to achieve here.

Let’s quickly remind ourselves where the graphic novel left us with her character. She had recently discovered that the Comedian, the man who tried to rape her mother, was her biological father, she was in a relationship with Dan Dreiberg, aka Nite Owl, and they were both on the run from the law, hellbent on continuing their lives as vigilantes. Okay. How does the HBO series continue this? Well it turns out she and Dan are no longer together. I know some fans really don’t like this, but I personally don’t have a problem with it. In fact I’m perfectly happy with it. In my review of A Stronger, Loving World, I explained how I didn’t believe their relationship could possibly last long term because it was clear that they were together not because they were in love, but rather because they were indulging in each other’s fantasies, and the fact that Dan’s seeming fascination with the Silk Spectre porn comic supported this. Showrunner Damon Lindelof clearly agrees, so cool. It’s always nice to be proven right.

Anyway, at some point between the graphic novel and the HBO series, the fantasy was shattered and the pair split up. I’m assuming what shattered the fantasy was them getting caught by the FBI. It’s unclear what’s happened to Dan at this time. Judging by the fact that the police in Oklahoma are using Owlships and goggles, I’m assuming that Dan was arrested and his equipment was appropriated by law enforcement. Laurie meanwhile has struck some kind of deal and now she’s working with the Anti-Vigilante Taskforce and enforcing the Keene Act, which is an interesting parallel with how her father, the Comedian, served the American government during the Vietnam War. But you see this is where I start to get a bit confused.

The episode opens with Laurie setting a trap for a vigilante known as Mister Shadow (basically Fake Batman) and shooting him, either not knowing or not caring whether or not Mister Shadow’s body armour would save him. She’s also taken on the Comedian’s last name Blake and displays a very similar nihilistic attitude, making dark jokes and exhibiting uncaring, unsympathetic behaviour. Now I don’t necessarily have a problem with Laurie becoming more nihilistic, given what she’s been through. Having witnessed Ozymandias and his squid of doom, it’s bound to affect her worldview. However, her turning into a female Comedian doesn’t really marry up with her character at all. And yes, I know at the end of the graphic novel she talked about getting a gun and body armour, like the Comedian, but it didn’t work there either. It felt too drastic a character shift and was painfully on the nose. I didn’t like it there and I don’t like it here either. I just don’t buy that she would want to emulate the man who tried to rape her mother. 

I especially don’t like her violent, uncaring attitude toward Mister Shadow. Why does she have such a disdain for vigilantes? Is it because of what happened with Dan, and she’s projecting that onto everyone else? Has she become so nihilistic that she just doesn’t give a shit anymore? There’s a moment later in the episode where she asks someone if their civil rights are being violated only to then turn around and say she was being sarcastic. That really didn’t sit right with me. It just doesn’t feel like something Laurie would say.

And then there’s the whole thing with Doctor Manhattan. Throughout the episode we see her in a phone booth trying to tell a joke to Manhattan (quite what the purpose of these phone booths are, I don’t know. Considering that people in the world of Watchmen believe that Manhattan was giving people cancer, why would anyone want to call him?). She clearly misses him to the point where she has a large blue dildo hidden a briefcase that’s clearly a direct reference to Pulp Fiction. I REALLY don’t like this. At all. The reason Laurie left Manhattan in the first place was because he couldn’t emotionally satisfy her, being an omnipresent demigod and all. So why would she be pining after him? The blue dildo joke in particular just felt kind of degrading. Just... why?

Weirder still is the joke she spends the whole episode trying to tell him. It’s clearly an indirect reference to the Pagliacci joke from the graphic novel, except the Pagliacci joke had a specific purpose in the graphic novel and its meaning was clear. Rorschach was remarking on how America was relying on the Comedian to save them from violence and corruption, which was futile considering what a violent and corrupt person the Comedian was. Here, however, I have no idea what Laurie is trying to say with the brick joke at all. I’m assuming the bricklayer is her father and she’s following in his footsteps. Okay, I kind of get that (except not really for the reasons I’ve already mentioned, but whatever). But then we come to the whole bit with God at the pearly gates sending Nite Owl, Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan to Hell, only to then get killed by the brick from the previous joke. Now... what the fuck is that all about? I’ve been racking my brains, checking what other people said, and I can’t find any satisfying answers. It just feels like pretentious, unnecessary fanwank. The best I can come up with is that Laurie is expressing how she’s not letting men dictate her life anymore. But... she’s spent the whole episode pining after Doctor Manhattan, she’s modelled herself after her rapist father, and at the end of the episode, she sleeps with her assistant Petey, an agent who claims to not to be a fan of superheroes, but is totes a fan of superheroes. So... is that the joke? She wants to escape from the shadow of the men in her life, but can’t? Or she intends to overcome the patriarchy that has kept her down, but she still ends up choosing to indulge in the power fantasy of Petey? Or does it refer to something else she’s planning to do later? It’s all so frustratingly vague.

As I was watching this episode, I honestly lost track of the number of times I thought to myself ‘I don’t know where Lindelof is going with this.’ Sometimes this approach works, keeping the audience in the dark in order to build intrigue and suspense, but for Watchmen, a story that’s famous for its dense material and subject matter, it’s just plain annoying. In fact this whole episode feels really off to me. Instead of focusing on character narratives and thematic storytelling, She Was Killed By Space Junk relies more on a plot heavy story that moves the pieces of the larger arc forward and keeping certain specific details vague in an attempt to keep people watching. Except that’s not really what Watchmen is about and it results in leaving the more integral aspects of the story in the dust. Angela barely gets a look in here, and considering a significant portion of the episode focuses on Judd Crawford’s funeral, it feels like a massive, missed opportunity. How does it feel discovering that the man you liked and respected wasn’t the man you thought he was? Does that change your feelings toward him? Does it invalidate the good times you had with him? And with Laurie there, the show could have compared and contrasted the two. How these two women move forward knowing these uncomfortable truths about the men in the lives? But the show never really capitalises on this.

And the annoying thing is, for all I know, all the things I’m talking about could actually be addressed in a future episode, thus rendering what I’m saying moot. I don’t know. I can’t tell if this is all just really bad setup for an eventual satisfying payoff or if it’s just plain bad.

That being said, while I do ultimately dislike this episode, there are a few things I like. For instance, I do like what we learn about the larger world of Watchmen. We learn that Oklahoma is the only state that’s allowing the police to mask up and that this law was passed by Joe Keene Jr., whose father was responsible for the Keene Act that was passed outlawing vigilantes. Joe Keene Jr. was briefly introduced in the previous episode and it looks like he’s going to be playing a larger role from here on out. Let’s wait and see where that goes. 

We also learn that Looking Glass knows Laurie and has prior history with her. He even confirms Sister Night’s secret identity to her, albeit reluctantly. So is he a plant? Maybe sent by the FBI to try and sabotage Keene Jr? Hmmm, what’s going on here then?

And then there’s Ozymandias.

While I dislike how Laurie is being handled so far, I love, love, LOVE what they’re doing with Adrian Veidt. After the events of the graphic novel, it seems he’s gone into self imposed exile. Whether this is as a punishment or as a way to make sure he doesn’t inadvertently blab about his involvement with the squid is unknown. Anyway, he’s been here for three years now, judging by the candles on the cake, and he seems to be going a little bit stir crazy. He’s sacrificing his clones in order to try and find a means of escape and now he has to contend with a bloodthirsty game warden (another clone). The idea of Ozymandias being hoist by his own petard and being oppressed by the very tools and instruments of his own vanity is absolutely tantalising, and I love what Jeremy Irons is doing with the part and the way he’s depicting the character’s slow descent into lunacy.

Also a special shoutout has to go to the costume department for the Ozymandias costume we see Adrian finally don. It’s gloriously, breathtakingly terrible. Truly one of the worst superhero costumes ever seen on screen... which is exactly what it should be! 

One of the things I intensely disliked about the 2009 movie was Zack Snyder’s attempts to make the characters look cool and stylish when in reality these characters are supposed to be the complete opposite of that. Rorschach looks like a hobo, puts on a gruff voice and wears lifts on his heels in a pathetic attempt to look more imposing. Nite Owl wears a ridiculously tight fitting costume that shows off his belly bulge. Silk Spectre’s outfit looks more like something a stripper would wear and is not even remotely practical. They look stupid to us, the outsiders, but to the characters, it makes them feel powerful. That’s the whole point, and the HBO series captures that perfectly. Adrian is going to war with the game warden and wants to feel powerful, so he puts on his objectively silly purple and gold shawl in an effort to reclaim the power he once had. It’s laugh out hilarious, made all the more funnier by the fact that he’s clearly far too old to be playing dress up. It’s moments like this that demonstrate that Lindelof clearly does understand the source material, which is what makes the way Laurie is treated all the more baffling.

She Was Killed By Space Junk isn’t a bad episode. There’s stuff to like, but it doesn’t have any of the intelligent thematic storytelling or characterisation the previous two episodes had. Coupled with the apparent mishandling of Laurie’s character and the deliberate vagueness of some of its plotting leads to it being an episode that’s ultimately more frustrating than enjoyable to watch.

[dogbearinggifts]

“Dad Sent Me to the Moon” vs. “Because Dad Made Me”

How Luther and Vanya Talk About Trauma, Part Two

This is Part Two of a series examining how Luther and Vanya address their own trauma and respond to the trauma of others. My goal is to compare their canon reactions to how fandom portrays them, and see if the common perceptions are accurate. As I said in Part One, I’m not out to make one character look better than another; I just want to examine what happens and what is said and give each scene as fair an analysis as I can. 

You can read Part One here. 

Episode 3: Extra Ordinary

This is the episode where we learn about Vanya’s book—but as I said I wasn’t going to count it as a mention of her trauma, I’m going to leave that aside. A few scenes after this montage, though, we find Luther and Allison in the main living area, discussing Grace’s potential involvement in Reginald’s death. Before long, though, Luther changes the subject. 

Allison: And then we left her here. Alone. In this house, for thirteen years! I mean, no wonder she lost her mind. To be away from your kids?  Luther: Hey, what happened with…Claire? With Patrick? You never told me.  Allison: Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it.  Luther: It’s just…when we were kids, we used to sit in here and tell each other everything.  Allison: Yeah, and then we grew up. Pause Things got ugly between Patrick and me. Now the court tells me I have to do this mandatory therapy thing before I can have visitation.  Luther: What for?  Allison looks at him, then away.  Luther: You used your power on her.  Allison: I mean, there were these days when she would have these epic meltdowns. And no matter what I said, she wouldn’t stop. She was three then, and I…I know that’s what three-year-olds are supposed to do. So I said I would do it that one time. Only it wasn’t just that one time. I told myself any parent with my power would do the same. That it wasn’t wrong. I just had an advantage. I mean, from the time I was little, I used it to get everything I wanted. With Dad, with my career…but now I know nothing in my life was real. So I’m starting over. I just didn’t think it would be so hard.  Luther: It’ll get easier. Some things just take time.  Allison: Yeah. And some things just stay broken. 

What’s interesting about this exchange—which is the first time Luther has responded to someone else’s trauma—is that Allison is not the one who brings it up. The subject of Grace’s mental state is tangential to the topic of why Patrick filed for divorce and got custody of Claire, and Luther is the one who brings it up. Allison at first hedges, Luther pushes a bit, and she tells him everything. 

Now, there are two ways to look at this, the first being that Luther is nosy. He had no reason to pry into her personal life, Claire had nothing to do with him, and he just wants to know all the juicy details about Allison’s divorce, possibly so he won’t have to feel guilty should he decide to make a move on her later on. While I can see evidence to support this theory, I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. Rather, I think Luther could tell Allison was upset about her divorce and even more upset about losing custody of her daughter. As he said, he and Allison used to tell each other everything, so he’s probably heard her vent about more than a few things before the family broke apart, and he’s probably seen her become noticeably calmer after she’s had a chance to get whatever ailed her off her chest. To me, it seems Luther is expressing concern for her, and giving her a chance to vent. 

What’s more interesting about this exchange, though, is what Luther doesn’t say. If you watch his facial expressions as she confesses (which I can’t capture because my laptop is old and screenshots just turn to blackness) you can tell he’s horrified by what his sister did to her own child. He absolutely does not approve. But he doesn’t tell her that. He doesn’t say “Jesus, Allison, what the hell were you thinking? She’s a kid! Your kid! You don’t treat her like a puppet!” He can tell, by Allison’s expression and the trembling of her voice, as well as the words she uses to describe what she did, that she knows it was wrong. It’s clear she hates herself for it, so Luther doesn’t pile on more guilt. He just listens and gives her a safe place to confess, not speaking until the end: “It’ll get easier. Some things just take time.” 

That line might not look it, but in context, it’s incredibly validating. Allison has just shared her darkest secret with him (and it’s a pretty dark secret). She ruined her own life, and now she has to relearn everything and she’s not sure she has the strength for it. So what does Luther tell her? “It’ll get easier. Some things just take time.” The first part—It’ll get easier—acknowledges that what she’s trying to do is difficult. The second part—Some things just take time—is an attempt at encouragement, telling her to not give up if she doesn’t see results right away. Luther is encouraging his sister to keep trying to make amends, without offering false hope. 

But I think it’s what he says next, after Allison says “Yeah. And some things just stay broken” that’s the most overlooked bit of validation here: Nothing. After Allison says that, Luther is silent—and with that silence he validates her fear. She knows this whole mess might not have a happy ending. She knows she might never see her daughter again, and that she has no one to blame but herself. And Luther doesn't try to tell her otherwise. He doesn’t brush off her fear with some pat answer like “Well, you just need to keep trying” or “Everything will be okay.” He just lets her fear stand and remains quiet, allowing her space to talk more if she needs to. 

Not too long after this, Vanya heads over to Bricktown to find Leonard’s shop, and as they’re walking together, they run into Allison. We then get this: 

Leonard: You didn’t tell me your sister was a movie star! To Allison: You were in that Umbrella thing too, weren’t you? To Vanya: But you weren’t in that, were you?  Vanya: No, I was sort of the fifth Beatle of the family, so… Leonard: Never did like the Beatles. More of a Stones guy myself.  Allison: Um, sorry to interrupt, but could you, uh, come back to the house? We’re having a family meeting.  Vanya: And you guys want me there? 

From the way this line is delivered, it’s clear that this is not a simple, innocent question. Vanya meant it as a swipe at her siblings, a reference to being excluded, and it comes across as one. (As a side note, I think her word choice is worth mentioning: referring to herself as “the fifth Beatle of the family” casts the Umbrella Academy as something cool, a guarantee of fame and fortune she was passed over for—rather than as the vehicle for wanton child abuse it was. I doubt she’s trying to gloss over the abuse her siblings were forced to endure, because it doesn’t seem she was aware of most of it, but comparing the Academy to one of the most iconic rock groups in history says a lot about how she views it.) 

Unlike her first mention of her exclusion in the previous episode, this one is far less appropriate to the conversation at hand. Knowing Vanya, and knowing what Allison said to her the previous day, it’s not entirely out of left field; but it’s still a swerve from the topic—and it’s neither necessary nor beneficial. 

Imagine, for a moment, that Leonard is exactly what he seems: a sweet, somewhat dorky guy who maybe comes on a bit strong but is pursuing Vanya not out of sinister ulterior motives, but because he thinks she’s neat. He’s walking along with her, talking and joking about all the things they have in common. Things seem to be going well, he’s glad he made his move—and then her movie star sister pops up out of nowhere. And he realizes—holy shit! Movie Star Sister was also a superhero! But he doesn’t think Vanya was one, so he asks if she was. “No, I was kind of the fifth Beatle of the family,” she says. It’s clear she’s not happy about that, but hey, might as well try to cheer her up. Now Movie Star Superhero Sister is asking Vanya to head back to the house for a family meeting—a family meeting of superheroes, holy shit….

….and Vanya immediately takes a swipe at her. Drags her rotten childhood into the conversation, uses that simple invitation as a reminder that she doesn’t think much of her sister or the rest of her family. Movie Star Superhero Sister, to her credit, doesn’t respond in kind, but wow, Vanya suddenly doesn’t look so nice anymore. Sure, she had a rough childhood—rough enough to fill an entire book—but her sister was trying to be friendly and Vanya tried to pick a fight? 

If Leonard had been simply a normal guy pursuing a normal romance for normal reasons—if he hadn’t stuck with Vanya to use her for his own ends—that not-so-subtle jab probably would have convinced him to move right along. Bringing up family drama in front of someone you barely know, regardless of how comfortable you feel with them, is generally a relationship ender. At the very least, many people will want to take a big step back and reconsider—because if your partner will make cutting remarks like that to their own siblings for no apparent reason*, what will they say when they’re mad at you? 

I understand where Vanya is coming from. I understand she’s been excluded by her family and that taking swipes at them probably gives her a few seconds of catharsis. But that does not, in my opinion, justify what she does here. She can be angry with her sister for what she said. She can hate her siblings for making her feel like an outsider. But saying “And you guys want me there?” in response to her sister’s invitation is rather uncalled for. Allison is making an effort to reach out—presumably what Vanya always wanted—and Vanya bites her hand off. 

Furthermore, Allison hurt Vanya in private. When she lectured her on how little she understood about relationships and how she needed to stop blaming Dad for all her problems, they were in the Academy with no one else around. Vanya chooses to hurt Allison back in public, in the presence of a man Vanya barely knows and that Allison has only just met. Vanya isn’t just returning blow for blow—she’s escalating the fight. Allison humiliated Vanya for sure, but she didn’t put Vanya on the spot in front of anyone else. Vanya humiliates Allison in front of a stranger who—from the fact he recognized her right away from a movie she’d been in—seems to be a fan of hers. For all Allison knows, he’s going to take that tip right to one of those trashy gossip magazines, trade it for his 15 minutes of fame, and she’ll see it in the bottom corner of the next issue’s cover: Sibling Squabbles—Allison Hargreeves’ Meeting With Sister Hints at More Family Trouble for Embattled Star.

Allison chooses not to return an eye for an eye. Rather than lash out at her sister, she tries to reconcile. Which was, I think, the right decision—but I also would not have faulted Allison at all had she chosen to avoid Vanya after that. 

Later, as Hazel and Cha-Cha are combing the Academy in search of Five, Allison finds Luther sitting on a windowsill, staring up at the Moon. 

Allison: Wow, look at that.  Luther: Mm. Home sweet home. I tell ya, things were a lot simpler up there.  Allison: What’s it like?  Luther: Quiet. Cold. And uh…lonely.  Although, every now and then, when the sun came rolling over the horizon just right, and the light hits it, everything would turn to white glass. It’s….it’s beautiful. Pause You know, whatever you told Claire….I didn’t really feel like a superhero up there, but those few moments when my whole world was glowing, I felt like I was meant to be there. 

This is Luther’s first onscreen mention of his trauma. As with Vanya, and as with Allison and her trauma, someone else broaches the subject first. Luther does not bring up his time on the Moon apropos of nothing; Allison asks him a question and he answers. 

What’s most noteworthy about this exchange, however, is that Luther does not speak of his time on the Moon as if it were traumatic for him. His first words about it (“Things were a lot simpler up there”) are somewhat positive; his initial description (“Quiet. Cold. And lonely”) is neutral; and his continuing description is actually quite positive. His mention of conditions on the Moon is brief and perfunctory, and he spends more words describing the moments of breathtaking beauty he found. 

As we later find, his time on the Moon was much harsher than he lets on here, but we get hints in the opening sequence, where he must squeeze his massive frame through openings and corridors clearly built for someone of average size. Yet the Moon base was designed by or on the orders of Sir Reginald. Even if it was created years before he ever considered sending his son there, he had the money for modifications to accommodate Luther’s mutated body. He chose not to do this, forcing Luther to spend four years in cramped conditions, unable to even take much of a walk outdoors. What we see of his base, too, is spartan; he has a bed with homey blankets and artificial gravity as well as a small houseplant, but little else. And he spent four years like that. 

Yet he tells Allison none of this. He gives her a simple description of life on the Moon that carefully avoids too much negativity before regaling her with the majesty of it, ending with a particularly sad bit of foreshadowing: “I felt like maybe I was meant to be there.” 

Luther has not yet begun processing his time on the Moon as trauma. As far as he knows, he was sent there for a reason that was not disclosed to him. Would he speak of it differently had he already begun processing his exile as trauma? Possibly. Whatever the case, Luther’s first mention of his time on the Moon is a simple answer to a simple question, followed by a description of the scenery that makes the Moon sound downright lovely—not a demand for pity. 

Running count of trauma mentions (cumulative of all episodes thus far)

Own Trauma: Vanya 2, Luther 1 Trauma of Others: Vanya 1, Luther 1

*There was a reason for Vanya’s low blow. We the viewers know it, and Vanya and Allison know it, but Leonard had no way of knowing it. I said “no apparent reason” because from an outside perspective, Vanya’s remark seems to come out of the blue. 

Read on to Part Three

[pi-cat000]

Random BNHA/Fate crossover (part 2)

Summary: Izuku Midoriya has a quirk: Summon Servant.

NOTE:  Really just wanted to write a BNHA fic after reading some cool world-building analysis here and here. And it's a crossover because why not.

PART 1: here

.

Emiya is more prepared for the second summons, recognising the tug, quickly following the sensation out of the endless dark. Once again, he lands in a crouch, prepared for the worst. Once again, he is met with a small figure, identifiable by fluffy green hair. The kid appears to be crying, facing the ground, yet to notice his arrival.

Efficiently, his eyes flicker over the forested clearing, searching for threats. Several seconds pass without sign of life-threatening danger. Emiya stands, rising from his crouch, letting some of the tension fade from his limbs. He notes that, unlike the last summoning, he has a larger energy reserve to pull from.  While it is nothing impressive, it is enough to keep him corporal for more than five seconds. He frowns, opening and closing his fist. The energy- he’s not even sure that it can be called mana- powering him is wrong, acting differently when compared to his pat heroic-summonings. There is no neatly packaged information, telling him of his location, local culture, or language. There is no heroic Class. Not that the Class information really meant much to him, but still. He feels more like himself and less like he’s been shoved into a subpar vessel created by the Holy Grail. Actually, the fact that he can even remember his past as a Heroic spirit prior to this is odd in of itself. 

Leaving his questions to one side for now, he turns back to the kid who still hasn’t noticed him.  Geez, he can’t be older than five or six. How the hell had he been summoned by a six-year-old? It wouldn’t be the first time some witless kid was semi-accidentally thrown into the Grail War deathmatch, but this is taking it a bit too far. Maybe, that was why the summoning felt wrong. The brat must have botched it up. It would be just his luck to get burdened with such a Master.

“Kid,” He grouses, “Why are you crying down in the dirt?”

The kid jumps, head snapping up, hurriedly whipping tears away, “I’m not crying I…” The kid freezes, eyes wide and flickering up and down, taking Emiya in. Tears are immediately forgotten and the brat’s whole face morphs into a half giddy smile.

“Are you a Hero?” The brat asks, awestruck.

Emiya glares, narrowing his eyes, “Obviously.” The kid flinches at his harsh tone, making him feel every bit the asshole he is.

“Oh…I just…sorry. I didn’t recognise your costume. Are you new?”

Emiya frowns. Despite knowing he isn’t a recognizable Heroic Spirit, the question rings as odd. 

“This is what I always wear,” He crosses his arms, disinclined to give away any information when he has so little himself.

“Oh,” The kid stares some more, “Uh…” At a loss for words. The brat climbs to his feet to give Emiya’s black and red leather armour a closer inspection.

“It’s cool,” The kid suddenly smiles a big dumb smile, “You look like The Red Dash. Are you a new sidekick? Do you work for his agency? How long have you been a Hero?”

The Red what? Emiya continues his perplexed silence while the kid circles around muttering nonsense under his breath, “No, no there’s too much black and the white hair doesn’t work at all. Maybe, the Crimson Fighter…no, no, he’s a solo Hero so that can’t be it.”

“Oi, Kid,” He interrupts the one-sided conversation. He is beginning to suspect that is kid has no idea what he is.  “You never said why you were crying.”

“My name’s Izuku Midoriya,” The brat says before hesitating, “and I wasn’t crying. It was just sand in my eyes,”

“Sure it was,” Emiya scoffs, taking another look around at the immediate area. It is pretty sandy but that is not what he is interested in. There are a lot of footprints, small footprints, meaning this place is frequented by kids often. One thing he knows about kids is that they’re all assholes. ENYMA, heroic spirit, counter-guardian, summoned to deal with grade-school bullies.  Perfect. Fantastic.

“It’s true,” The brat retorts stubbornly, crossing his arms and pouting.

Well, his pool of energy is already guttering and he’s not about to stick around if all the kid wants to do is stare and mutter to himself.

“Whatever. If that’s everything then I’m off. Catch you later.”

“Okay…” Midoriya seems more perplexed now, waving, “It was nice meeting you mister. I’ll watch for you on the news!”

The news? He raises a hand in a dismissive gesture, stalking off so he’s hidden just behind a tree. As Emiya fades, energy spent, he ponders the nature his summons. He’s not sure how or why it is happened, but the green-haired kid is his new Master. Everything else is still a mystery. Not that it mattered much. Hopefully, next time, they’d be some opponents for him to kill.

. 

The time between summons passes so quickly he doesn’t even get the chance to blink. 

.

Emiya glares at the bustling street filled with people going about their day to day lives. Buying groceries, visiting the bank, meeting up with friends. Mundane, boring, not a hint of danger anywhere.

People funnel around him, shooting him annoyed, suspicious glares. He is standing smack in the middle of the sidewalk, towering over his dumb-ass brat summoner who’s struggling to carry an armload of shopping bags.

Smack. The kid, he’s older now, maybe eight, walks right into him, vision obscured by grocery bags.

“Sorry. Sorry.” Is muttered out quickly before an “It’s you!” when the kid sees who he has walked into. Emiya’s eyebrow twitches ever so minutely.

“What are you doing?” He grumbles, irritated.

“Mrs Akamine hurt her back last week. I’m delivering groceries to her apartment. Do you live in the area?” The last question is hopeful. Groceries. He’d been summoned to carry groceries. Of all the bullshit.

“No,” He grunts, crossing his arms.

“Oh. Okay. I’ll just,” Midoriya attempts to shuffle sideways around him, and trips on a bit of uneven pavement. Emiya snatches the back of his shirt before he can hit the ground. Well, it’s not like he has anything better to do aside from wait in darkness. Why not carry out whatever inane task his summoner cooked up for him?

“Where’s this lady live?”

“Only a block down. That way,” Midoriya struggles to point, hand weighed down.

Emiya hoists the brat up, holding him under an arm, groceries under the other. He power walks in the direction indicated, barging his way through the crowd. Calls of shock and loud complaints follow him through the street. He ignores them all.

“So, I did some research and I couldn’t find your registration…um…Mr Hero. Do you work out of the area?” The brat tries for a conversation to which Emiya grunts, marching on.

“Who’s your inspiration?… My favourite hero is All Might.”

He continues walking.

“You look a lot like the Crimson Fighter, with the red clothing, and white hair. Is that your natural hair colour?”

“This the place?” He stops at the first block of apartments, ignoring the question.

“Ah, yeah. This is it.”

He drops kid and the bags. Immediately, the brat is springing upright, smiling, “Thanks for the help. I know Heroes don’t usually help with stuff like this so I really appreciate it!”

“....” He doesn’t answer.  He is a Servant. He is supposed to follow his summoner’s orders. In theory anyway. Maybe, carrying groceries isn’t his usual modus operates, other Spirits might even take issue with the task, but he doesn’t have the pride to take offence.

“You got any other dumb shit you need doing?”

That obviously throws Midoriya who stops talking, looking confused.

“Umm…No?”

He gives a succinct nod then strolls off around the side of the nearest building and out of view. The small amount of remaining energy isn’t enough to do much so Emiya lets himself dissipate back to the void. The age difference, Midoriya growing from six to eight between summonings, is a definite sign that something is different here. He is beginning to suspect that this, whatever it was, had nothing to do with the Holy Grail of Grail Wars.

It is a small relief. Emiya didn’t really feel up to another Grail War when he had so little stake in the outcome. What with already confronting and failing to kill his younger, idiotic, self, he doesn’t even have a wish anymore. Though, it did throw his whole reason for existing into question. Perhaps he is just destined to spend the rest of eternity completing chores for some witless kid. Or at least until the brat got old and died. 

No…as mundane and boring as his previous summoning’s had been, he remembers how he cut down those men on his initial calling, even if the brat has apparently forgotten. Death would find him.

It always did.  

.

Note: the premise of this fic was to contrast Izuku’s optimistic enthusiastic view of heroes with Emiya’s nihilistic cynicism, though I probably won’t get around to actually doing that. 

[fresh-outta-jams]

Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Part 9

Namjoon x Reader Author: Admin Mo Summary: You’re in college when your soulmate tattoo arrives, an address. Sending a letter couldn’t hurt, right? Note: Super sorry it’s been so long since my last update. Morgan and Morgan and I just got settled back into school with our new classes and everything, so I should have more time now that I have everything figured out. Warnings: Some swearing, soulmate fluff Word Count: 1.8k

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, Epilogue

Your new film classes were kicking your ass. Most of them were three hours long, so one of your greatest challenges in them was not falling asleep at eight in the morning or late at night. Your...distractions the previous semester had prevented you from signing up for your classes on time and therefore, you had the worst schedule on the face of the planet. You woke up too early, got home too late, and barely had time for naps in the middle. However, you did have a window for talking to Namjoon, which was about all you could ask for.

Somehow, it seemed like he got hotter every single day. You more than dreamed about him now; his face floated around your thoughts during your classes, his voice filtered through your earbuds as you walked around the snowy campus. It definitely soothed your pain at least a little bit, that and getting to see your face every time you unlocked your phone or got a call from him. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled breathed the life back into the very drained half of your shared soul.

“Baby.” Namjoon waved his hand to snag your attention. Your mind had been wandering again. “You okay? You seem sort of distracted today.”

“I’m fine, Joon. Exhausted, but fine. What were you saying?”

“I asked you how our Sims are doing.”

You burst out laughing. When you had talked to him a few weeks prior, you’d made the mistake of mentioning the Sims game you’d been plugging away at, creating a perfect little life with your soulmate. Luckily for you, there were several talented Simmers who had uploaded their own Namjoons to the Gallery, so you could just download one that looked pretty close to the real thing. (Even closer with a dimple mod.)

“Joon is a scientist now.”

“A scientist? I thought he was an actor.”

“Well, he was, but I want to try to contact the aliens.”

“Ah. Understood. How are our kids?”

“They’re doing great. Added some new rooms on the house, got them a bigger TV, and I’m thinking about putting in a pool, but considering that they’re vampires, maybe that’s not the best idea…”

He chuckled softly, shaking his head at the absurdity of the little world you had crafted. “Yeah, maybe not, then.”

“Oh!” You blurted, sitting up straighter as you remembered what had been on your mind. “I have a bone to pick with you.”

Immediately, his eyes widened and his face reddened. Whatever this was, he had a feeling it wouldn’t be good. But then again, he couldn’t remember doing anything that would upset you. “U-um, jagi-”

“Uh-uh, don’t you ‘um, jagi’ me. You have no right. You have NO RIGHT...to go around looking this fine, what the hell, Namjoon. Your hair? So fine. Your face? SO FINE. How am I supposed to keep the girls off of you at this rate?”

“Jeez, you scared me. I thought something was wrong.”

“Also, don’t think I don’t see you lurking on my Twitter, you creep.” You laughed, causing his face to flush an even deeper red. “I have like twenty followers total, so someone with the username ‘rm_fan_94’ is going to raise some eyebrows.”

“Is it my fault you ReTweet all of the BTS Tweets gushing about how handsome you think I am? Sometimes a guy needs a little confidence boost from his beautiful girlfriend.”

That was new. You couldn’t remember him ever using THAT word before…

“Did I say something wrong?”

“N-no, you just, uh, caught me off-guard is all.” You coughed, cheeks burning probably the brightest red they’d ever glowed before. “Can I get that one more time?”

“What, ‘girlfriend’?” Namjoon smirked softly, his dimples prominent. “Well, that is what you are, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” You exhaled a sigh, something warm settling over your heart. “God, I really am, aren’t I?

“Shit, I never asked, did I? That’s a thing in the states, right? I’m supposed to ask you to be my girlfriend?”

“Well, I mean sometimes that’s how it goes, but not always.”

“(Y/N),” he suddenly got very mock-serious, “will you be my girlfriend?”

“Let me think about it.” You laughed. He pretended to wait with bated breath as you ‘thought about’ your answer to his very important world-changing question. “Yeah, I think I will.”

“Awesome.” He smiled. Namjoon was about to say something else before he was interrupted by someone walking into his and Tae’s room.

“Namjoon-ah, breakfast.” You recognized Hoseok’s voice as he entered, his face lighting up when he caught sight of what their fearless leader was doing. “(Y/N)!!”

“Hi Hobi!” You waved excitedly, hyped to finally meet him after watching him in videos for so long. “Nice to meet you!”

“Nice to meet you too!”

“I’ll be out in a sec, alright?” Namjoon told him in Korean. Hoseok nodded and then waved one last time before leaving the way he came. He looked back at you and sighed, torn. Obviously, they were all really busy working on their next comeback, even though they were still coming back down to earth after the Christmas/New Year’s Eve rush. You knew time was tight, but you always ached when it was time to say goodbye. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, baby. I love you.”

“I love you too.” You blew him a kiss, and then he was gone, leaving you waiting for the next time you would get to see his beautiful face.

***

“Dear Namjoon,

I read your book. Cover to cover. Well, I guess because it was in digital format, from the top of the Doc to the bottom of it. And let me just say I am blown away. I’ve known you’re a good writer. You write the best letters ever, and also you literally write lyrics for a living, so obviously you’re good, but this was so much different than any of your songs in the best possible way. There’s so much character, so many heartfelt moments, but it’s also funny and lighthearted and then it tugs at your heartstrings. I ended up crying three times while I read it.

That said, there were a few phrasing things I noticed, and a few typos, but I think you’re way more fluent than you realize. I usually end up with waaaaay more mistakes in my NaNo books than you have in yours. I marked the ones I caught in pink and left some comments.

These new classes are killing me. My film analysis is boring and we have a pretty heavy workload. Not to mention it’s like three hours long. Draining isn’t the word. However, it’s not all bad. I still go to the K-Pop club and learn new things about you and the guys from all of my K-Pop-loving friends. One of them got me a Koya sleep mask for Christmas! They all know I’m super whipped for you (but they don’t know why, no worries!).

Did I tell you I have Moonchild set to my wake up alarm? Ironic, I know, but it’s my favorite song on Mono. You probably know that. I probably told you that. I don’t remember. I’ve kind of had a lot on my mind recently. I’m seriously counting down the days to spring break. My brain hurts so much, but hearing your voice and talking to you and looking at your face makes it a little bit better.

I love you so much,

-(Y/N)”

*** Namjoon had a plan. Granted, it wasn’t a very solid plan; he didn’t have all of the details worked out, nor anything scheduled, nor had he even asked permission yet. But, it was a plan no less.

Over the past few weeks, in your ongoing letter correspondence back and forth to each other, Namjoon had been collecting details, thinking through logistics, and going around to the camera crew and asking them some questions figuring that they of all people would have the answers to them. And for the most part, they did, and they were all very friendly and nice to talk to. Based on the conversations he’d had with them, it seemed like Part 1 of his plan would work out just fine. That left him to figure out parts 2 and 3.

Part 2, he figured, would be the second-easiest thing to accomplish. Actually, maybe the easiest, considering that Part 1 had required some digging and research. Whereas with Part 2, it was only the idea of it that was scaring him. In theory, actually pulling through with it would be easy.

So, once he had scraped together as much courage as he could manage, he went to the office of none other than Hitman Bang and knocked on the door.

***

“Dear (Y/N),

I’m sorry to hear your classes are so rough. I wish I could make it better. Thinking about you in pain pulls at my heartstrings in more ways than one. I really, really wish I could be there to comfort you somehow, but even then, I don’t think I would know how to fix the problem aside from supporting you and encouraging you to keep going because you’re almost there. Just a little longer and it’ll all be worth it.

As for my book...I’m super, super glad you liked it. Part of me was really afraid it maybe wasn’t as good as I hoped it was. We all have a tendency to look down on our own work, I guess, and sometimes we’re blind to our own mistakes. Thank you for helping out with mine, though. It means so, so much to me that you took the time out of your busy schedule to look over it and give me feedback. I’m also very sorry I made you cry. Thinking about that hurts me inside too.

I’m glad you’re having fun in your K-Pop club and making new friends and learning things! Just know that if you ever want to know ANYTHING, I would be more than happy to tell you anything you want to know. Also, I’m really sorry you have to keep me a secret, at least for know. Just know it won’t be a secret forever. Someday, you won’t have to hide who I am. I just hope that ‘someday’ comes sooner than it seems to be coming.

You definitely did not tell me Moonchild is your wake up alarm. God, you don’t know how happy that makes me. I’m glad you like it so much. Again, I’m so sorry this semester has been rough on you so far. And I’m sorry I couldn’t kiss you on New Year’s Eve. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you on Christmas morning. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry we’re so far away from each other. I’m sorry it’s taking me so long to get to you. I promise I will soon, though. As soon as I possibly can. Every minute I’m without you burns, and I know you feel it too.

I love you to the moon and back,

-Namjoon”

Tagged:  @iie-wakarimasen, @ffantasylandd, @jooniefluff, @chimchimsauce, @mrs-saeyoung-choi, @theprinceoftheundead, @angyexoxo, @copenhagenspirit, @lovelylittlekittn, @lilgaga98, @iminlovewjjk, @feed-my-geek-soul, @loveandwitch, @recoveringflowerchild, @demonic-meatball, @maddieisaacs, @scissorsandtonfas, @carirosesg, @backtonormalthings, @local-mochi, @faliwi, @spoopyela, @nanie5, @ingenu--e, @undiscovered1personality, @andalos, @calspixie, @filtermono, @huhuehuey, @mikey-girl12, @lilliaflurr, @hypophrenium, @sitkafay, @spiicyari, @andeerwilson, @btswerewolfaus, @oyasumi7

[borisbubbles]

ESC 2019: Preshow: #40

40. MONTENEGRO D Mol - “Heaven” SemiFinal 1, first half

Ever since its release, "Heaven” ranked  in the bottom of many online rankings, and it’s not hard to see why: it suuuuucks. Eurovision isn’t exactly known for being on time with its trends, so bear in mind that when I say that “Heaven” is dated, I really do mean the dust-gathering, long since mothballed sort of antiquated that stopped being cool about three decades ago. What’s UP with those nintendo gameboy / duck mating noises? We’re in 2019, why are people still drawing inspiration from S Club 7? 

Anyway,

Entry Analysis

There’s shockingly little to analyze beyond how fucking lame “Heaven” is. It has terrifyingly bad lyrics ( “Falling / I’m in heaven / Falling / Straight into your heart” what.) and as you can see by the vid above, isn’t even performed/sung well. I thought these were supposed to be musical academy laureates???🤔  D Mol went with a UK1980-esque staging twist where they split themselves into three “””couples””” which is supposed to evoke an on-stage chemistry of sorts? I mean...

If you say so? I find them annoying, with the exception of that OTT blonde (who is pretty great, admittedly) and yes, including Rizo The “Handsome” One, who looks like he randomly wandered on to the set straight after shooting a lowbudget toiletry advert. How does this group even function on a fundamental level? Beats me, but whatever the case it don’t interest me.

Fortunately for us, D Mol immediately announced they would ~REVAMP~ their entry (after receiving massive, near-unanimous fan backlash lmao). I wasn’t expecting much, but sure, it couldn’t possibly be worse than the barebones original?  

Un-fucking-fortunately for us, this is the revamp:

I mean, I am *nearly* impressed by how Montenegro managed to turn their already atrocious song into an *even worse song* by throwing in a bunch of what appeared to be random ethnic noises on top of their already busy soundtrack and yanking the resident sex cult vibe to 11. I don’t feel like I need to waste any more words on it.. so I’ll leave you with this smörgåsbord of ESCUnited posters recoiling in horror/confusion at the new revamp:

That beach scene reminded me of mr. Bean at the Olympics 2012

I can’t believe the managed to turn the worst song this year into an even worse song. That takes some sort of talent lmao. I couldn’t stop cackling at the surrealism of it all. 

Such a vicious assault on the senses. Everything is so, so wrong. It’s the musical equivalent of grindhouse cinema which is actually my thing, except it gives you, the listener, without permission a starring role in the horror movie, which actually happens to be a snuff film. I survived to tell you the tale, but others might not be so lucky, and I’m now going to need to talk to someone. I’m sorry but I’ve got to lower my ‘aw bless trololol’ 5 points to just 2. One point for each large ball required to present this... song to Europe. I am in shock. What the hell, Montenegro?”

I’ve been sat at my laptop for the last ten minutes trying to find the words for how this can be both a deeply uninteresting slice of schlock and a deepy interesting aural failure in every way. I’m going with “this is both a deeply uninteresting slice of schlock and a deeply interesting aural failure in every way”. It needs a revamp far, far more than the original needed a revamp. I’m fascinated by how this can be so obnoxious both subjectively and what the existentialists would call ‘objectively’, but not in a ‘Cool! I want to listen more and figure out’ way.

In conclusion: Do the rest of D Mol look that squid because Rizo Feratovic is that handsome or does he look that comely because the rest are that homely? Discuss!

NF CORNER

Don’t be silly, there’s no such thing as a Montenegrin NF :-) 

Qualification Odds: Not Qualifying.

I mean, come on. Nobody likes “Heaven” unironically, except for deranged Serbs (who would vote for fucking Patrick Ouchène if he were Montenegrin). The top comment on Youtube literally talks about the nice scenery. “Wow Montenegro is beautiful, huh”? A pity we won’t be visiting it next year then. >:-)

Of course, there is a teeny chance of lolpotential because of Extra Wench, but I’m not getting my hopes up until I see them, idk, suspended in the air or some other ridic staging trick.

As for their actual results, well. Given that jurors only have 16 songs to pick from, and several songs in the first semifinal are, um, acquired taste, I can definitely see D Mol picking up a few lowish marks from random juries across the board. The televote will be a different story. They will receive 10 or 12 points from Serbia’s televote and about 7 from Slovenia’s and a nice round zero from everyone else. Oh well. Better odds for my random favos, I guess? :)

Projected placement: 13th-17th in the semifinal.

Link to the masterpost