#unless you know me outside of this blog you wouldnt know it but i am an enormous buggles fan

[blkkizzat]

Hi kali,

GRE studying is going....OK. I was reminded that I SUCCCK at math. Will be working on my critical writing paper starting next week as well as studying. I did not miss this part of school. I'm not going for a phD in writing. Though writing is a big part of it. I am in the arts though. You know my handle just check my blog description if you're curious.

But speaking of PHD....professor Nanami and Professor Geto.

Professor Nanami is low key sexy. He doesn't show off but one time you saw him remove his suit jacket and roll up his sleeves and you about fainted. You're a grad student (Not his grad student- Not even in the same department) so it's not exactly unprofessional for him to date you. And when he asks you out, you can't think of any reason to say no. What you don't expect is to have the time of your life. Nanami is really fun outside of classes. He takes you to a local festival. A one night event. He wins you a stuffed bear and a gold fish. You weren't sure about giving him a kiss when the date first started but by the end of it you have butterflies as you lean up and give him a peck on the cheek. He moves his head though and you end up with a short peck on the lips. It's sweet and hot at the same time. When you guys come out as dating You're the talk of the both your departments.

Professor Geto, however, is in your department. He's not your advisor, though. You see him everywhere. And your conversations are good. Deep and incitful. When he asks you for dinner the last thing you expect is to be fucking him in his car outside the restaurant. You got there early. You were just in his car talking when he leaned over and kissed you. He apologized at first and said he just couldn't help himself. But he knew what he was doing. He gives you these beautiful puppy dog eyes and suddenly your kissing him again. And again. And then you're full on making out. Ten minutes later you've moved to the back of the car. You're glad his windows are tinted because as long as you don't move too much, no one will know that you're getting railed in the back seat of a professor's car. And he does go hard. You hardly notice that the man hasn't bothered to use protection until you're walking into the restaurant (cause he's hungry now), and you feel him leaking out of you. You're glad your dress is long enough that no one can see your legs. You can't even chastise him cause you were both caught in the moment. And you continue to date through graduation. One thing about Suguru is that his ass is stubborn. When he makes up his mind that he wants something, he's going for it. He keeps your ass under lock and key. Everyone knows your dating, though no one will say shit to your face. No one is surprised when a week after graduation, you have a rock on your hand. But you'll never be Mrs. You're Dr and Dr Geto. And Suguru finds it hot!

Respectfully, I needed this - 🧠

🧠 nonny... u may not have figured this out yet...but im slower than thee fuck fjklshfkdjhgkfd. i never figure out who my anons are unless they tell me. u gonna have to let me know fam. msg me 😭😭.

omg these ideas are delicious...

prof nanami, i love how innocent and whimsy it is going on a first date to a festival and him winning you prizes and the kiss was! ahhh im such a slut i would have to fuck him night one but when it comes to be slow courted i wouldnt mind if it was nanami. he wants to let you know what you mean to him and i find that saurrrr cuteee.

prof geto, i also adoreeee because he was wasting NO time lmfao. Dr. & Dr. Geto okfjdhvksdhfvksjdb IMMA SCREAM thats so perf 🥹🥹. also lmfao at him just raw nutting in us day ONE. he definitely knew wtf he was doing. lmfao he didnt even care to ask if we were on the pill just busted fkjhfkjhrsfkjrshbdfj.

also i just had a thot...

we never get prof sukuna and i know in AU people tend to write him as a bad boy/criminal/fuck-up and although he IS a villain he's not a dumb one. he's very smart and intellectual, he just doesn't give a fuck. i think he would teach something like physics. i can see him being an astrophysicist for some reason, ex-NASA (i'd like to think he got fired bc he ended up knocking out an astronaut who thought he knew more than Sukuna cause he's been up in space before and almost jeopardized lives because of it). But prof Sukuna is notorious for being a huge hard ass and making his already insanely difficult classes, due to the subject matter, even harder than they need to be. you, a future astrophysicist in the making, are determined to learn from the best and your cheery disposition is not discouraged by him. in fact you like the challenge and arguing with him. however he IS your adviser which makes the situation a bit more scandalous. especially since it was in one of your advisory meetings where one minute you were arguing about your thesis topic and the next you are spread out on his desk, your thesis papers everywhere and Sukuna's head between your legs. but you don't get caught. if anything, once you do start dating Sukuna is harder on you. he wants you to succeed but he wont coddle you, he'll critique you more—expect perfection from you. However he will be there to tutor you and take you on special field trips. He knows the person who runs the observatory near campus and gets a special private viewing for you when conditions are clear and you can see the pretty gaseous clouds from the next galaxy from the powerful hub telescope.... all while seated so pretty on his cock. He'll rub slow tortuous circles on your clit with his rough thumb while he making you list various constellations and quizzing you on basic chemical composition of stars and planets—which you would usually spout off flawlessly but when he is making you see your own stars as your eyes cross into the back of your head there's no way you could focus on the ones in the sky. now i kinda wanna write professor sukuna kfhdadskjfhaskjf.

[the-s1lly-corner]

not a request but I would just love to know...just WHO is sending you these weird requests about murder and vomit? I mean I would think that people would know better than to do that!

obviously since its anon i dont really... know (apologies if this sounds mean or sarcastic, truly do not mean to sound like that i just dont know how else to word this LMAO)

but its. weird. not to diss the anon(s) of course, since ultimately i dont think they mean any harm (or at least thats what i like to think)

but between the vomit, the murder, and the yandere stuff and that other thing that happened a few weeks ago with someone pushing me to answer their request and taking multiple days of me politely turning them down due to being uncomfortable it just. gets exhausting

theres also other requests that i have deleted straight away that i did not bother with entertaining via answering; from slightly worse material than the examples listed above the outright nsfw/nsfw material (again, this is a sfw blog i cannot stress this enough. the admin is not comfortable writing nsfw, as far as they know tumblr does not allow it/theyre not risking getting banned, and they cannot properly/comfortably regulate who does and doesnt see the content. this includes nsfw-adjacent material, regardless of if you hide it behind the word "fluff")(this is also not to kink or fetish shame anyone who has sent in something that i turned down or did not respond to. that aint what im about unless your interests bring harm)

ramble aside, as much as i love writing and taking requests and bringing joy to others with these dumb hcs of mine its getting a little.... you know... thankfully the odd requests are few and far between at the moment, and so far it seems that nearly everyone is respectful when i DO turn down a request for one reason or another; with only one or two bad eggs that keep pushing... so i feel i dont really have much right to complain, thats normal. hell thats even low, given how massive the TADC fandom is + other fandoms i have written for

ramble aside i am grateful for the moots i have made by opening TADC requests, and while i do not talk much outside of these posts i do greatly appreciate the love that has been put towards my dumb hcs. i dont intend on closing TADC requests anytime soon, at least i dont plan to; and i doubt i will close them if i keep getting weird/strange requests since that wouldnt really be fair to everyone else. with all that said and done, i hope you (and everyone else reading this) have a wonderful day, evening, and night; please take care of yourselves

admin signing off

sloppily cartwheels out of the room

[cosmicanger]

😶

yea one of the wildest parts of the microcelebs and their mediocre, superfan highkeyvibe digital lynching me for this long is that they act like im the only Black person making the points I make when I am literally saying points other Black people have said before me and points other Black trans folk are currently saying even better than me like im not some singular troll just saying whatever. I cite Black ancestors & thinkers all the time when they all barely post a Morrison or a Moten quote. That particular antiBlack microceleb clique & their fans like highkeyvibe don’t have any basis for their positions other than just being antiBlack tokens & overseers at best. like, they can't point to any published scholarly work or research or real receipts or compiled data or quotes from a Black thinker or Black revolutionary to support their positions. they all just punching down through social capital/clout they gained for being consistently antiBlack and cosigning nonblack folk who do nothing for other Black folk. palatable Black folk, nonblack apologists, corny losers who dont give anything IRL like idk its really obvious that whole microceleb clique dont know how to talk to Black folk outside of their clique like that and they love being the prized token to nonblack folk. again idc if Black folk have nonblack friends and partners but if you are Black and you are defending nonblack folk when they are antiBlack or you are Black and cosigning nonblack folk over other Black folk, then you are an antiBlack token. stop getting mad at me because i am direct about how clout works on here. their reactions to how I defend myself on here from their violence literally proves all of my points, especially the one about how they definitely care about social capital when they say they dont. like almost everyone on Tumblr is trash, very few people on here drag nonblack people for being antiBlack, so few people on Tumblr addressing yet another Black trans woman murdered this month and the microceleb clique + their fan highkeyvibe barely bring up the multiple transphobic laws globally unless it is trendy enough to post while their nonblack mutuals posts about it as well. the thing is, i would respect that clique and their fans if they all were like “yea i wanna be a rich well-dressed capitalist one day and im looking out for myself and my culty clique only” and they didnt bother other Black folk who dont wanna do that at all (and who actually wanna call out the things they wouldnt risk social capital or money doing), but nope they wanna aspire to a classed life while tryna keep their “progressive” branding. They are radical chic, radical as costume for branding, not “radical” in practice. to the people following me who think im doing too much and i am giving them too much energy and to just ignore the badjacketing and gaslighting can fcuk off too & hope they targeted by a trendy clique so they can see they can see how foolish they sound. Like these nonblack apologists and nonblack people want me dead and I am supposed to lower my voice and change my tone? Nope. Sorry i use my blog also to work out my feelings like anyone else idk why i am being policed in my reaction to violence. its damned if i do, damned if i dont on here so imma do what i want cause i know most of y’all mediocre and anti-Black. oh & to the people who watched and didnt do shit when ppl escalated the online abuse to the trendy folks are misgendering me on purpose, hope terrible things happen to you. s/o the few Black ppl who messaged me to check in on me and who told me they tried calling these fools out too but they block them or dont post their messages.

[unnerving-presence]

On my shit again, you get more Caleb fluff headcanons as a result -

Caleb's the absolute definition of 'ride or die' (cowboy pun intended) He doesn't give two shits what happens, he's sticking around until the absolute end unless you tell him otherwise or betray him in some way. Oh you have horrible mood swings? That's okay bbgworl so does he. Lowkey kinda crazy? That's foine shawty it makes you so quirky and not like other girls. Man's a simp, what do you expect

With that being said, I also believe that Caleb is one of the more patient killers in a relationship despite his short temper. He's surprisingly tolerant to a lot of bullshit, and while he'll call anyone pissing him off out right away it takes a lot for them to really get to him yk

ALSO on the topic of his short temper, it doesn't matter how angry Caleb is, he would never hurt his S/O purposefully outside of a trial (unless consent was given, if you're into that) If he accidentally hurt them, while upset or not, I feel like he'd definitely be fucked up for a while.

Once he realizes what he did, he'd probably be terrified of touching you unless you initiate it, and once you make it known that you're not upset and you're okay with him touching you he just kinda... holds you for a while. During so, he's just whispering apologies nonstop, I genuinely don't believe he in any way wants to hurt his S/O and it pains him to even do it during trials.

After he's done feeling bad (for the most part) he'd probably try and get you to hurt him somehow, eye for an eye kind of thing. I had a family member that accidentally slapped me when we walked into each other and wouldn't let me walk away until I slapped him back, I feel like he'd probably try and do the same thing. (If you do slap him, please mind the jaw)

i am not complaining at all i love hearing yalls hcs also long ass post below lol

caleb always gave me arthur morgan/micah bell vibes?? that first hc just sorta reminded me of how dedicated arthur was to his gang and it just reminds me of caleb all the time ajhfdjksf (I'm so obsessed w rdr2 rn so feel free to send in any asks relating to it even tho this is a dbd blog LMAO)

i think caleb only gets a temper when people intentionally try to get on his nerves or if he messes up on something too much. i think anybody would be angered by betrayal, so i dont think he'd have too much of a temper other than him getting smacked on the head by pallets and simply making a mistake. i wouldnt be surprised if he was bipolar tbh

i completely agree with caleb not hurting you. sure, he kills people, but that doesn't mean he would intentionally hurt you. caleb respects you and never believes you are deserving of pain. i also feel like caleb thinks its immature to hit someone just because their emotions get the best of them, so he doesn't want to hurt you just because hes angry at you (he's a little bit of a hypocrite cause he'd def rock someones shit if they tried to talk shit abt you)

if caleb does hurt you accidentally or not (if its not on accident its probably one of those RARE times his anger takes control) he would probably distance himself for your safety. he'd definitely scold himself for it too. i feel like caleb likes to hide certain emotions from you so you can worry about yourself and not him, so you might not even know he's feeling guilty about it. he knows it makes him seem like an ass if he doesn't say anything, so he will confirm that he will do better and that he knows he did wrong

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 98

[Date: 19/03, 06:01 AM GMT - 19/03, 06:50 AM GMT]

[CW for unethical floral experimentation, injury mention]

kateza affectionate: “mona, don't be so hard on yourself, ok?”

Maxwell: “....i....think we should tell her about the other stuff

mona”

Little-K1ng: “............theres more????”

Marcus: “.........heh”

Little-K1ng: “uh. heh?”

Maxwell: “I saw syds observation post from yesterday...it had a scrrenshot of something I said, and jack and them told me thats what you didnt want me seeing yesterday....”

Marcus: “Oh that

....yeah”

Little-K1ng: “O_O

uh..........................................................”

Marcus: “...that’s kind of what the argument was about”

Little-K1ng: “,,,,,,,,,,,,um

oh fuck. i

max...”

Maxwell: “im not upset”

Little-K1ng: “i just...”

Maxwell: “i took some time”

Little-K1ng: “you're... not?”

Maxwell: “and i get why you did it

yeah

but”

kateza affectionate: “you're in an unprecedented situation. a situation that keeps getting worse and worse with seemingly no reprieve. I don't blame you for slipping up here and there- there's so much stress involved that it's almost expected for you to be upset. i don't think anyone blames you for doing these things. that's all i wanted to say.”

Maxwell: “its gotten worse

baroness has images of more times where i've slipped up

at least twice during my argument with her”

Little-K1ng: “oh christ”

Maxwell: “and then I switched back to ender for certain words....”

Little-K1ng: “i.....”

Maxwell: “and....i sent prince an ask on faer blog....”

Little-K1ng: “you... did?”

Maxwell: “saying i was sorry for upsetting faem and i hoped i could see faem again soon”

Little-K1ng: “oh no oh no

oh max....”

Maxwell: “fae said "see you soon, page"”

Marcus: “...max signed the ask as page as well”

Maxwell: “no no

the was the second one”

Marcus: “..there was one before??”

Maxwell: “after he answered the first one i closed my eyes to breath”

Little-K1ng: “how can i be getting worse so much faster....”

Marcus: “.....I don’t...remember”

Little-K1ng: “unless...”

Marcus: “...huh”

Little-K1ng: “oh fucking christ no non on ono nonon ono nonono.....”

Maxwell: “and when I opened them like three minutes had passed and I had sent an ask as page apparently”

Little-K1ng: “did..... did crown do something? did he get in? did he get in when i left the door open??? and make it worse???????”

Marcus: “...I don’t

...max i don’t remember you sending an ask

Only page”

Little-K1ng: “is it my fault? did... did i do that? did i really.... i..... left you vulnerable....... i....”

Maxwell: “no it isnt your fault”

Little-K1ng: “i just....... this doesnt.... this doesnt hurt me nearly as much as it should.... im not... im still not upset..?”

Marcus: “Mona, Crown didn’t come in...I would’ve seen him. It’s not your fault”

kateza affectionate: “this isn't your fault mona

you're probably emotionally tired”

Little-K1ng: “but i just... i still just feel empty about it. i feel fully justified about this and i know i fucked up but im not hurt”

Raeva: “oh...”

Maxwell: “uh....I have marigold tea if you want some”

Little-K1ng: “i cant even fucking apologize right”

Marcus: “You didn’t mess up

...max what”

kateza affectionate: “you're emotionally burnt out, Mona. This is a bad situation”

Little-K1ng: “wh. where did you get marigolds?”

Maxwell: “oH

uH”

Marcus: “max”

Little-K1ng: “....;max????”

Maxwell: “hm.....well....

Little-K1ng: “max i dont have any tea except dandelion root

you're 16 you dont have money or a car

where the fuck,????”

Maxwell: “fetch was hurt....and i wanted to make sure I could help him tomorrow if he came back home tomorrow”

Marcus: “.....arent the flowers on your laurel...”

Maxwell: “.....”

Marcus: “max you didnt”

Little-K1ng: “mAaAaAaX??!!!!

what the HELL”

Marcus: “Don’t yell at him!”

Little-K1ng: “ahhhhh??????????????

im ??? not yelling on purpose im just????????

what the hell ??????”

Maxwell: “i wanted to help and it works?!”

Marcus: “you tested it???”

Maxwell: “yes”

Little-K1ng: “thats such a silly idea max of course it worked??? magic is like that sometimes??? but why would you have even thought about it ?????????”

Marcus: “max”

Maxwell: “i...”

Little-K1ng: “thats so silly how did it taste wh”

Maxwell: “i knew marigolds have the ability to help heal wounds...they can help speed up the process sometimes by a couple of days”

Marcus: “Are you okay??”

Maxwell: “they can help with blood flow”

Marcus: “Which ones did you cut off? Did you only cut one?”

Little-K1ng: “are you???? ok max first of all. heavy metal poisoning speedrunning. nice one. but also. dude cmon they double when you do that”

Maxwell: “and can sometimes even be used to treat infections...

i only cut one but it workss”

Little-K1ng: “one flower for how much ??”

Marcus: “...”

Little-K1ng: “like. did the water change color? bubble strangely? make fucked up ender noises at you??”

Maxwell: “i got a scrape on my arm when I was pacing outside waiting for fetch and I dipped a paper towel in it and put it on the wound”

Little-K1ng: “god maybe i am emotionally exhausted”

Maxwell: “it almost fully closed instantly”

Marcus: “...I kinda hope it made ender noises that would be funny”

[Maxwell: “it almost fully closed instantly”]

Little-K1ng: “hUH”

Maxwell: “it healed the wound faster than normal

not completely but enough”

Little-K1ng: “oh you better hope you dont do that too much and find out once your laurel wilts the wounds just open wtf”

Marcus: “I don’t think normal marigolds do that”

Little-K1ng: “thats like. supremely fucked dude??? thats weird.”

Maxwell: “.....”

Marcus: “...interesting”

Little-K1ng: “if you only used one did you??? just use the one i cut?”

Maxwell: “i wanted to help fetch

no the...one you cut was a bud

i needed one with petals that was bloomed...”

Marcus: “Y’know Max, I don’t think anyone else would’ve tried that”

Maxwell: “also the bud hasnt wilted despite being cut off a day ago...

but yeah i needed petals”

Marcus: “....”

Maxwell: “i tried to take em off when it was on my head but it felt like I was pulling out my hair so i stopped and just....”

Little-K1ng: “no, i understand the need. i get it. i want to help fetch too and honestly? i would have done the same”

Maxwell: “took a whole one”

Marcus: “...are you okay?

How did that not wake me up”

Little-K1ng: “im. i just. i feel so screwed up about this whole thing.”

Maxwell: “i didnt yell”

Marcus: “...”

Maxwell: “i numbed it with ice and grabbed the scissors

fetch wasnt happy when i told him”

Little-K1ng: “well of course not”

Maxwell: “jack saw it as an experiment”

Marcus: “...you talked to fetch?

Like directly?”

Little-K1ng: “you told him???”

Maxwell: “no he was messaging her”

Little-K1ng: “i dont even tell him when i hide a pill in some cheese for him

wait dont tell him that i said that”

Marcus: “I thought he just gave an update and that’s how you knew about stuff”

Maxwell: “to let us know he wouldnt be home tonight

yeah and i said i knew a way to help heal him”

Marcus: “...”

Maxwell: “he...knew i was gonna do something I shouldnt have

theres still quite a bit left”

Marcus: “....i can see why he would think that”

Maxwell: “it's in a bowl....

....you can use some if you need it”

Little-K1ng: “...........ok. would it be weird. if i drank it

like a little bit

maybe itll?? pick up my mood or something”

Marcus: “What if it cures your migraines”

Maxwell: “i dont know if it works for moods”

Little-K1ng: “god i WISH”

Maxwell: “uh give me a sec”

[Marcus: “What if it cures your migraines”]

Little-K1ng: “MARCUS IF IT DOES THAT IM GIVING YOU TWO THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE”

Maxwell: “you could try but as far as i remember it wont work

it works for wounds and inflammatory stuff”

Little-K1ng: “damn”

Marcus: “Why would you give it to me-”

Little-K1ng: “yeah ill be honest i maybe do not want the weird rat juice . at least not right now”

Maxwell: “its...flower

i put the petals in a pot and boiled em”

Little-K1ng: “Brain Flower of the Rat is not exactly the most appealing tea flavor, max. with all due respect”

Maxwell: “then i strained them”

Marcus: “Juice of Brain Flower of the Rat then”

Maxwell: “actually tastes slightly like normal water...

if anything slightly sweet

jack said it might taste like rose water”

[Marcus: “Juice of Brain Flower of the Rat then”]

Little-K1ng: “sick new lacroix flavor”

[Maxwell: “jack said it might taste like rose water”]

Little-K1ng: “.....rose water?”

Maxwell: “yeah you boil the roses then strain em into a bowl

like i did with the marigolds”

Little-K1ng: “i like rose water... :/ guess maybe i do want the fucked up rat brain plant water”

Maxwell: “you could try some its not like I cant make more”

Little-K1ng: “....hm !!! dont like that

do not make more rat water”

Maxwell: “....”

Little-K1ng: “i will try some but do not make more”

Marcus: “...please stop calling it rat water?”

Little-K1ng: “marcus?? do you want to try some (Patent Pending) Maxwell Ratatouille's Funky Fresh Brain Tea™️?”

Maxwell: “....

im too tired for this shit”

Little-K1ng: “im coping max.”

Marcus: “....”

Maxwell: “ fair”

Marcus: “I don’t have any injuries?”

Maxwell: “im.....i might go to sleep soon....

who?”

Marcus: ���Who?”

Little-K1ng: “we dont have injuries

basically

okay so uh?? bottoms up i guess”

sip sip

sip

Marcus: “..oh wait

My elbow?

Does it work on old injuries?”

Little-K1ng: “uh. hm

it tastes good?”

Maxwell: “oh yeah its burned! it wont get rid of the injury but it might help with any lingering pain?”

Little-K1ng: “it tastes nice actually, the rose water thing was actually accurate

........................................huh

wtf”

kateza affectionate: “I’m gonna head to bed. Stay safe y’all. Much love /p”

Little-K1ng: “gn Kate !

uh

hm. okay”

Maxwell: “hm?”

Marcus: “What Mona?”

Little-K1ng: “so. i may have forgotten to mention out loud to yall but i have some pretty bad joint pain

like, typically, its a mid level pain all the time

and its jsut? less

less pain

thats nice”

Maxwell: “told ya it works!”

Little-K1ng: “it.... does !

dont make more though

ill enjoy this for as long as it lasts but for gods sake max dont pick the laurel for tea”

Marcus: “Please don’t make more rat juice max”

Little-K1ng: “gonna do a rat juice high five marcus

try it??”

Marcus: “I’ll..try just applying it to my elbow”

Little-K1ng: “something something dab joke”

Marcus: “Man you really are tired huh?

Little-K1ng: “i am so tired

work was hard

and i came home, expecting like, the remnants of a fight”

Marcus: “Okay- oh”

Little-K1ng: “only to realize that like, just about every problem for the last 2 days are probably entirely my fault”

Marcus: “Mona”

Little-K1ng: “and i dont actually have it in me to think i actually did anything wrong and i keep getting angry and snapping at people who dont deserve it”

Marcus: “Mona it’s fine

I promise”

Little-K1ng: “<:(”

Maxwell: “you okay marcus”

Little-K1ng: “^this is an incredibly forced frown. again, i dont feel bad”

Maxwell: “the water didnt hurt you right?”

Marcus: “Huh?

Oh

No it’s quite soothing actually”

Little-K1ng: “yeah weird right ??”

Marcus: “A bit”

Little-K1ng: “i WILL physically fight you max if you try to make more though

i will get mad. dont”

Maxwell: “....sorry”

Little-K1ng: “i mean dont be sorry for trying it, that was a good idea

but you've done it once, thats enough”

Marcus: “Please don’t make more max”

Little-K1ng: “for safety reasons”

Marcus: “Yeah”

Little-K1ng: “i dont know how easily those stems get infected

and with how deep they run i really dont want you to find out

i already endangered you all this far, please dont help me do that

guys... you both look so tired”

Maxwell: “you wont endagenr us its fein”

Little-K1ng: “maybe you should go to bed”

Maxwell: “im fien”

Little-K1ng: “sounds like it ,':)

head to the tulips, dormouse :)!”

Maxwell: “fuckign what”

Maxwell: “awwwww i love emas”

Little-K1ng: “do you guys want to sleep in the living room? my bed is pretty huge”

Maxwell: “oh iv emafe a neast on the fllor”

Little-K1ng: “oh perfect, and it looks like marcus is already asleep :) thats okay!! goodnight you guys”

Maxwell: “nihgtn”

[sfw-haikyuu-nsfw]

Hello, how are you? I really like your blog and when I saw your ask is open I feel to request you something (if you want) Bokuto, Nishinoya, Oikawa and Iwaizumi, what do they do if their fem s/o (normally happy, noisy and shiny) is quiet, blue and depressed?

I am doing well and I hope that you are doing great! Thank you for your lovely comments and I thank you for your patience with this request!

Hope you enjoy, love!

Bokuto Koutarou

Ah, he would be so crazy keen to her emotions, so the moment she shows up to class and she’s NOT her happy ray of sunshine that he has always known, his demeanor immediately switches. His usually greeting of wrapping her up and basically swinging her around in his arms, is replaced with the biggest bear hug anyone can imagine, showing her that whatever she’s feeling, he’s right there whenever she needs him.

He won’t push her to talk about it if she doesn’t want to. And it always drives him crazy that she’s hurting and he doesn’t know what the cause of it is. But he’s crazy patient, always knowing that she would tell him when she’s ready to. And because of this, he’s always prepared for when that moment comes. Doesn’t matter if he’s in the middle of volleyball practice, he’s going to make sure his love’s mental stability is cared for properly.

And when she does finally tell him, he makes sure that she’s perfectly comfortable. This does not just mean comfortable with telling him, but like physically comfortable. Like, he’s got her wrapped up in the warmest hug and is running his fingers through her hair and rubbing at the tensed muscles in her back. She’s already hurting inside, he wasn’t about to let her hurt outside too.

Nishinoya Yuu

He doesn’t necessarily catch it right away. Like, he notices that she maybe doesn’t have her normal pep in her step from afar, but it’s not until he gets much closer that he realizes that it’s not just a slow morning. So that beaming smile he approaches her with quickly falls when he sees just how dispirited she is.

He’s quick to ask what’s wrong as well. A knee jerk reaction when he sees her that way. His heart can’t stand the sight of her so down and he instantly needs to know what happened so that he can return that smile he adores so much to her face. And his tone is protective, like he’s always expecting the cause to be another individual that he’s going t have to face off with for hurting his love.

I can totally see Noya suggesting that they ditch class (because I’m sure it’s not the first time for this kid) to just spend some time together. He wants to get her mind off whatever it is that’s bothering her, wants to distract her from whatever it is until she feels she’s ready to face whatever it is. He’s ready to provide whatever it is she needs no matter what the cost is (even if it is his education, lol).

Oikawa Tooru

I just have a feeling Oikawa spends a good amount of his school mornings in the gym practicing his serves and whatnot. So it actually wouldn’t surprise me if one of the other third years finds out about her being upset that day before he does. They probably don’t waste any time making their way down there to let him know just how much of a terrible boyfriend he’s being.

Oh boy, does he run out there so fast. I’m sure he’s gotten busted for not being in the proper uniform at the start of class. But that’s the last thing he cares about when he’s trying to find her and give her whatever comfort she needs. He’d make it up to his teacher’s later, but they were definitely not his priority in the slightest.

And just wait until after classes. He’s giving them his undivided attention. And he’s going to get them whatever they need to feel better. They definitely end up back at her place curled together on the couch or in her bed with her head on his chest. He’s there to listen if she needs him to, or she could just spend his time taking in his affection, he’s there to make her feel better.

Iwaizumi Hajime

He definitely greets her super gently after meeting her at the front of the school. I imagine him just have this thing about him that he’s just give you one of those looks and any pent up emotions are instantly released. She’s totally susceptible to this. He reaches to take her hand gently and carefully dips his head to meet with hers, “you good?”

While he’s not one to necessarily skip out on class, this is a special circumstance and suggests they hold off on heading to class until she feels like she’ll be able to concentrate on her work. They probably have a spot at the back of the school that they hang out on a regular basis and always manage to find themselves there at times like these.

Her head is resting against his shoulder and her fingers are gently tracing his in her lap. She carefully talks through her situation and emotions and Iwaizumi doesn’t interrupt or interject unless she seems like she’s expecting him to speak. He offers gentle kisses to the back of her hand and the top of her head until he’s finally able to see her smile again.

[morning-sunshine]

Thank you @thetalentedmsripleysworld for tagging me. First time I have been tagged on a tag game so I'll try my best :)

Rules: Write about you in terms of appearance, hobbies and talents, relationships, aesthetics, and miscellaneous. Then tag 10 people to do the same  @deviant-dumbass @insaneshell @bellawella395 @lovingrevolution @just-a-small-town-person @your-neighborhood-assbutt @hiccuphardbroom @shota-loki @were-dying-but-we-like-it (anyone that wants to do it is free to do so, i jusy tagged 10 blogs i could think of (also anyone tagged that doesn’t want or feel comfortable doing this you really don’t have to))

Appearance: Either people think I am a bit younger or a lot older than I look (it's really weird.I'm 20)// I'm quite average in height (I don't know about the inches system) but around 165cm//I am chubby and soft// my fashion style is really mess. sometimes it is painfully plain and others i look like an edgy clown. I rarely ever wear white and most of my closet is ready to be worn at a funeral. i like buying second hand clothes for environmental reasons but I do buy from stores as well given there are so few second hand shops where I live// my hair is long (unless i wake up one morning and decide more than half of it has to go/did that a couple of times) and quite curly. sometimes i think it is gorgeous but that is mostly at the end of the day when i am alone in front of the mirror.most of the time though it is just a mess// I am a brunnette both eyes and hair which is the norm where i come from really// I have a birth mark on my chest which is so in the exact center of it and I have the exact same mark on my back at the same place, it really looks like somebody stabbed me or sth// I wear mostly sneaker like shoes or athletic shoes (though i barely ever exercise at all)cause life is short and i need my shoes to be comfy//

Hobbies and Talents: sometimes I draw (purely for fun, like doodling and stuff to calm my mind)// I cross stitched one thing once cause i woke up and thought why not// I really like writting whether it is fanfiction or just fiction but i am also the kind of person that has like 10 works in progress at all times// I love reading cause books <3 // i really enjoy screaming along to songs when no one is around tho that doesn't sound like a talent really (i just do it i guess)

Relationships: Friendship wise I have like a couple of people I adore, like literally they are my whole world, and for anyone that thinks love can only be romantic joke's on you( i don't usually get attached but when I do I do). I am not very social otherwise cause like i can get really akward and really anxious really fast when I talk to people. but i do have a few more casual friends I have managed to keep after my akward first introductions // romantic wise I have never had anything but also it's like weird cause like who do i even like. besides some famous people I have very rarely been attracted to real people. nonetheless I do consider my self a hopeless romantic waiting for the right person patiently. I just wait for a deep connection that includes hugs and cuddling (i know i am a clown but what can you do i can't stop my dumb brain from wanting what it wants)//

Aesthetics: I really like to think that I am dark and cool and stuff but in reality I am quite soft and really emotional. like sometimes I cry because I am moved by a sunset or pretty flowers.//I would describe myself as a chaotic good. cause i am a mess sure but also really kind and loving//I love flowers and nature like cute colours and stuff. but I am also quite terrified of it and would prefer to stay home thank you very much// quite the drama queen which comes in direct contradiction with my constant desire to disappear//can never sit properly whatever that means// I love the colour black but especially when you throw a bunch of flowers on it. generally dark colours as background and cute pretty stuff on top which sums up a lot of my aesthetic// love wearing flower themed headpieces cause they are cute// also flannels cause they look so cozy and inviting, why wouldnt you love flannels// love pastel everything cause what fool wouldn't//anyone who knows me will tell you I am weak for all fluffy and cute things, animals, and people//give me hugs or give me death//

Miscellaneous: i am first and foremost a fangirl. I have lived vicariously my whole life through fictional characters.my longest standing fandom that i think will last for life is supernatural of course, though i do get quite attached and obsessed with fictional things very easily//i am vegan for environmental, ethical and political reasons//i have never felt more in home and certain of any decision in my life as going to university to study eglish literature. i love university and wish to find a way to never leave (maybe a phd who knows)//as i have said before I love soft and fluffy textures way too much (like if you have a soft blanket or shirt run/ of course if the other person doesn't mind). but seriously would say touch is my strongest sense// i love cats way too much. like it is more likely i will have a conversation with a cat than any human given the cat tolerates my presence // i too have pcos which causes me a lot of pain most of the time and really really late periods and probably will not have kids that easily if i ever want to. yeah thing is I don't really want kids at the moment at least. truth is i would prefer adopting than giving birth cause that's one less child suffering in the world// I am pretty introverted and have a lot of trouble opening up to others// also irrationally terrified of coakroaches to a very unhealthy degree (to the point that i locked myself outside my bedroom for a whole year cause i found three in two days)//finishing on a more positive note i would love to find the courage to get to know more cool people on here cause no matter what people say about tumblr it is the social media place i have always felt most at home on the internet.

that was a lot of stuff but here you are (if you didn't just scroll down without reading any of it). another thing about me sometimes I talk a lot (or write apparently). feel free to participate too if you want to. It’s a first for me but it was fun. also feel free to message me if you want to get to know each other without posting something. also anyone that wants can do it cause why not let’s meet humans of tumblr.

[im-really-fckn-tired]

im making this blog for my thoughts. i know tumblr is dead, a fucking zombie app. but i need some type of outlet, or something. i’ll probably forget i ever even made this and then look back on it and cringe like i do with everything i make.

im not saying my name. call me whatever you want.

im male. 18. he/him or whatever. currently, im stuck in another country on a vacation i didnt agree to. with a family i dont want. and i’ve been lied to all week about when i can finally go home

and i know i sound whiny and annoying because im on fucking vacation, with my family. whenever i tell people i hate this side of my family they always ask why and i just get so tired of having to explain why

i dont want to list my reasons for disliking my family but if i dont trauma dump on my friends i’ll look like a loser who hates his family for shallow reasons

though i believe i have good reasons. i do. but its hard to remain consistent, i guess. i can get angry and say what i mean but getting angry is so tiring and i wont even remember what i say

im talking about my moms side, by the way. my mom more than any of them but, still. theyve all added to the problem.

Let me just start by saying this: my mom is not my family. shes a relative, shes my mom. she isnt family because shes my mom. family shouldnt have to be who gave you life. family should be who you trust, who you love, who you enjoy being around. i don’t trust her, or love her, and i havent enjoyed being around her since i was a child.

her side of the family is big. my great grandma has 11 kids, i believe. so ive got lots of “family”. but my moms brother has three kids that i grew up with. theyre all older than me besides one but, i always felt mentally younger then all of them.

its two girls and one boy. i was around the girls more, so they were basically my older sisters. and ill admit they were mean and they were part of the reason im so insecure about my lack of intelligence, but they were like, 14 and 12.

the problem is they have the mindset that family is family, and family is above all. my mom brought me into this world, gave me life. so im indebted to her.

but why is bringing someone into this world a good thing? whats so good about life nowadays? why would i want to be around in this time? or any time? i cant name a time id go back to to live in. but because i exist, im terrified of what would even happen if i stopped doing so. so suicide isnt an option, as relieving it would sound.

and i cant tell that to anyone. ever. because its too complex to even say outloud. its tiring. and depressing. im from america, but i dont feel free. i dont think id be free anywhere else either. freedom itself is hypocritical. probably.

everyone here lives the same lives. unless youre rich, you always live the same lives as everyone else until highschool, where theres a bit of variation until college. but still the goals and milestones are all the same

go to school

go to highschool

go to a good college

get a good job

work at job and pay taxes til death

try not to die until old death

a lot of people find ways to live around that but that doesnt feel free. and now that ive typed it out it looks stupid. but still. its hard to feel free.

anyways, back to my topic i guess. idk, im afraid to say what i am, race wise. i feel like it’ll change how this comes out. but i dont like my race. not that i dont like people that are my race, i just dont like being this race. i dont think im attractive like this, or that i fit in like this. im someone of my people ranting on fucking tumblr.

whatever. im still gonna be here tomorrow.

but when i leave i have to do college

for the second year

and it’s terrifying

its scary when you dont think college is for you but you dont know what plan yoyd have outside of it

i cant even get a job because i dont know if id be wasting my time

ever since i turned 18 i realized that time is fast and it doesnt wait for anything

no matter what

it doesnt matter if theres a pandemic

or if your school year was going good for once

or if you actually felt happy for once

content with your life

itll move on and some other tragedy will come and ruin it for you

for everyone

i think corona really fucked me up.

it felt like the world was ending

i kinda wish it did

then i wouldnt be here

i wish the world would end when im asleep

so that then, if i dont wake up again, i wont need to know or be afraid

and if i do, then i do

i could wake up in a new world i guess

im gonna put some music on this i think

didnt know you could do that now

[auspicixus]

DAY 18 (of the blog..?)

hoo boy i discovered some things today.

so i had to go to hospital to have my birth control changed. microgynon everyday (30mg) was just... not doing me any favours. my acne worsens, my mood severely fucking swings, and it doesnt alter my periods at all aside from the fact that i was offsetting my bleed for almost exactly a week for the whole 3 months, which meant i had BAAAAD cramps when i was "naturally" supposed to be on, and then regular cramps when i was meant on withdrawl.

in all, generally not nice. its almost like my body actively works to reject oestrogen.

i dismissed these symptoms (minus the non-relevent delayed period thing) when i was on these pills last year because i went through a very rough breakup the second week into the run. i got very depressed and never continued the pills, so i assumed my angst and depressive mood was unrelated to the pills.

upon speaking with the nurse i was given three options:

try some other pills

have an IUD

have the depo-provera injection

now, my problem with each of those was this:

i dont want to be jumping from pill to pill until i find one that works in the first three months

IUDs can be ouchie, i dont know how id handle the anesthetic (because i wouldnt be able to tell my parents and i have no way of getting home without my father knowing), also there was a 6-8 week waiting list on IUDs of any sort.

im a big squeamish baby and hate needles

i told the nurse i am trans and she said that short term (until i can begin HRT) having the injection, and long term having a Mirena coil (just before i start T, so i can stop the injection in a timely manner) is my best course of action.

ultimately, i agreed with her. id love a chance at 0 periods & no pregnancy! she explained that this injecion is usually done in the - er - backside, and asked if id ever had one there before. i said no and asked if i could have my partner in the room and lay down on the bed (since im not always good with injextions and can get woozy pretty easily).

really? honestly? why did i even bother asking!

okay, i retract that a little. laying down meant i could assure i didnt tense my arse weird from balance issues (she said most people had it while stood up!!) and cause complications.

my point is it didnt hurt. at all. you know how they always say "you'll just feel a scratch"? i literally only felt a scratch. i feel sorry for my partner, who had his hand gripped to hell while i anticipated it, all for me to only let go and respond with "oh." - it really was a "is that it???" situation.

no wonder T is often injected there!

i want to ease worries even further: i experienced no post-injection issues that werent caused by my dumb anxiety or the heat. i had the injection around 12 hours ago now, and i still feel fine.

what i went through was this:

nearly as soon as i stood up i had a little "spikey" in the back of my throat... which was an anxiety thing because as soon as i thought "this is anxiety" it went away.

i felt dizzy and sick... because i overworked my anxiety, i stood up too fast, i left the room too fast, and the temperature had rapidly risen from 19° to 26° (id also had the injection in a temperature controlled room, but the rest of the clinic, and the outside was about 5° and 10° temperature different respectively).

i was nauseous... because i got on a bus no less than 10 minutes after and sat upstairs, in the sun.

i had weak legs... because i sat on one of those slanted bus stop seats and was realistically too short for it (also because i was balancing on it weird because i didnt want to cause excessive trauma to the area by sitting on it so harshly).

what im saying is: seriously dont fret it. your anxiety (and the weather) will be your worst enemy if you have a rearside injection.

additionally, the site itself? i cant see it. i couldnt see it five minutes after, either. i couldnt even really feel it (by applying pressure) five minutes after. i didnt catch the size of the needle because of my anxiousness, but it really must have been small, or the site just healed fast because it was gone. bruising is a possibility, but i dont usually bruise that badly after arm injections/samples so i dont even think ill see any of that.

so id say, unless you plan to go around literally dragging your ass on concrete immediately after having the injection, you will be fine. i didnt even have a plaster on it. thats how you know im a big boy.

i almost cant wait to be on T, so i can brag about how it doesnt hurt like i thought. im no longer afraid.

[channieskzlove94]

at the top of my recipes list is japchae because i had a mildly scarring experience with a local restaurant and i still dont know what vegetable(?) i found in it but it very uncomfortable to not know what i was going to be consuming and the next one is mango sticky rice which is actually really simple but everyone in my house loved it when i ordered some from a thai food truck (it was so good, wed had it before? but this was from an authentic thai owned food truck and it showed)

block b is so good! honestly some of my favorite songs come from groups that are disbanded or pretty much there topp dogg? theyre everything imo, 4minute? everything and more, and i wish i had gotten into kpop earlier but i live in a terrible area to be encouraged to view outside cultures

i think my favorite historical drama is the untamed (its chinese) because music is so prevalent also its very fantasy and despite the forced censorship regarding the main relationship (theres a whole uncensored novel) its still very apparent to me that theyre in love and stuff which i deeply appreciate but its incredibly long so it really brought out the worst in my attention span issues, ive also started watching rookie historian and i really like it so far but im not that far into it :/ i really relate to being totally absorbed in a drama and stuff though, if something really spectacularly catches my attention (without being 50 episodes all being 45 minutes long) i really get sucked in and its like all over for anything else

only one of my geckos ever tries to bite? and its only very occasionally- we try to leave him alone for the most part because its after a lot of handling. one of our geckos is albino! shes super super pretty but were really super careful about lights and stuff because of her eyes- i obviously cant make your decision for you but if you decide to get something other than a rodent maybe check give/donate the items to your friend and the shelter? because there are things your friend probably wouldnt need like another cage (obviously assuming you dont think youll get another rodent in the future)

mugs are super fun! i have a couple of fun mugs i was given as gifts and my favorite one is a black one that turns into the skyrim opening scene as it gets hot! also i looked at the mugs you mentioned and theyre super cute! i like rocks and shells and stuff as souvenirs (legally obtained, i bought a gypsum rose once and my life will never be the same)

tbh i cant pick between coffee or tea. im a bit of a snob when it comes to individual roasts and sources or types of tea (especially when it comes to earl grey) i also cant pick between iced or hot for either- its all go its place :)

im excited for you to see my blog too! ive not had my kpop sideblog for the entire time ive been into kpop? but its packed full of so much stuff! i actually didnt have all that many friends on tumblr? im 19 though so it kinda died down quite a bit among people my age, like obviously people are still joining the site but i feel as though its not As Big if that makes sense? also smth smth conservative hicksville, ohio population: many

it sucks that you couldnt attend that particular lecture but you might be able to find other events similar to it hosted on youtube or other various sites

whats one place in the world you want to visit assuming unlimited funds, n health n stuff? it can be a monument or a museum or a country or a city and it doesnt have to be some place youve never been before either. i think id like to see the ocean i dont even care where i am as long as i can actually see the sea or maybe go back to marble head lighthouse (its on lake erie) even though im terrified of heights- i went for what i think was my eighth birthday and it was pretty great all things considered

the melatonin i took is starting to kick in extra hard right about now so im sorry if something is confusing but i really do gotta go-🌻

oooh japchae!!! yes i love japchae. i think if you find a good recipe and make sure you aren’t unfamiliar with any of the ingredients it should probably be delicious when you make it! i’ll definitely check out the untamed! that sounds super interesting. and since there’s a novel i might see if i could read it! i hope they have a translated version or i’m doomed haha.  i’m not sure the shelter would take my cage but i’ll definitely donate the other stuff if i decided to get anything other than another rodent! hamsters require a lot of room to run around and dig so i made a big cage for her. it’s a little janky since it’s homemade so i think they shelter would probably say thanks but no thanks haha.  i have a terrible fear of being bit after a traumatic childhood experience with a hamster that would let go of my hand. i’ve gotten better at it but anytime i meet new animal species it’s always the first thing on my mind.  the gypsum rose sounds and looks super cool! i did a quick google search. do you have a shelf where you keep them and display them? do you label them?  I feel you on the tumblr thing. i’m 26 and most of my friends are completely out of the tumblr space. i came from a really small town in pennsylvania so i completely understand the conservative hicksville struggle. i went to japan one summer between 9th and 10th grade and when i got back everyone that it was weird that i had even wanted to go there.  when i was like 10 my parents and I went to the Crayola museum and it was so much fun. i have such fond memories of walking around and learning about the crayons and i just thought it was all so fascinating. i’d love to go back there. i’ve never been to a lighthouse before so that would be a lot of fun! i’m not suuuuper terrified of heights unless it’s like really really high! 

your fear of heights reminds me of minho in the fandom tour episode where they go to nami island. it’s so cute how he makes IN help him over to get on the zipline.  melatonin always hits me so hard. when i wake up in the morning i feel like i got hit by a truck and i usually end up sleeping through my alarm.  if you could meet any person in the world who would it be? i mean obviously i want to meet kpop stars but i’d love to meet the film director wes anderson. I love the way he frames and designs his films and i love to learn more about his inspirations.

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

[dilfhakyeon-moved]

yO i was abt to write to you abt the new modc ep (what's going on with the weird cuts at the beginning jcbjfbjb im crying) but i saw your post so!!!! tell me abt your dream bro i wanna hear abt it!!!!!! -✨

OH I HAVENT SEEN IT YET RIGHT I FORGOT IT CAME OUT TODAY!!! Let me watch it then we can talk abt it !!

And well my dream is pp long so bear w me 😔 i don't have the 'read more' function on mobile so i apologise in advance for everyone who comes across this !! I'll edit the 'read more' into it when I can 😊 ( i hav edited it hehehehe )

SO . actually there are several parts to this dream and I woke up between the first two parts but ... YEA.

At first I was home but a cat had gotten inside my house, I already had two cats ( my current cat and the one that will have died one year ago exactly tomorrow... yes five days after my birthday december is a cursed month for me. but if u wanna know abt him just search 'tchoupi' on my blog ) and I don't think my girl was okay w that new cat ? also new cat looked wonky sjhsjsh ? I wasn't sure abt its behaviour bc it seemed like it cld get irritated fast. In the end my mother told me to throw it out so I did against my will but when I saw it walk away... it had a missing leg.... I was like oh shit dude no come back... so I went and opened the front door and it came back running !!! I couldn't leave it like that w/o food if it already was incapacitated in a way. so that was my new cat. everything ends well ( I'm pp sure I forgot a part of that part but it's not the one I'm interested in )

SECOND PART... THE CÅSTLË. i was in a castle that was more medieval than renaissance styled or whatever the fuck i didnt study architecture but yes this. it had a courtyard with a fountain and that courtyard had a beautiful view on The Unknown ( aka fields and forests and stuff yknow just. The view ) but there were also bridges ( not the rock kind the "we use it in movies to make a character dramatically fall after the villain cut the rope" kind ) and little paths to go to The Unknown. there was a built-in church ( not a christian but i guess that was a smart choice given most attendees were fire emblem characters and they were definitely christians ) and also stables i guess ? but the front stables were empty and i didn't get to see the actual stables. the front stables had a pathway going around them ( there was a front stable on the left and on the right, with the courtyard being a little pushed back ? like if you left the end of the stable pathway you were already past the courtyard )

so now picture all ot this but suddenly the sky is super dark and everything is grim and gloomy. like a typical halloween movie. everything that was neat feels now worn out and the pathways are definitely scary, nobody wants to go there !

i was looking for my friends ( aka mercedes from fire emblem three houses ) but somehow couldn't find them, a fight broke out between ingrid and annette ( also fire emblem three houses ) and i don't like rich horse girls nor do i like racists so i was about to beat ingrid's ass. this big dude comes in and threatens me so i scold him and he and ingrid both go away. i win. i talk to more people but they're all acting weird except annette i guess. whatever weirdos i'm out

next i keep looking, but now i'm not alone - i'm not sure of whether it's a real presence or just a spirit until the end of this sequence where this boy tells me where to go and what to do to fix things a little, so i go into both stable pathways and end up being possessed twice ( demonic possession isn't as bad as they tell you i turned out fine ) so when the boy tells me where to go next i'm like "are we getting possessed a third time ?" he chuckles. ( i am gay so that was cute )

but we don't get any time to do that third thing ! we get out of the pathways and everyone is planning to go fight whatever is beyond The Unknown ! i look at the boy and awake me now pictures him as kraam from the stranded. cool i have a nice partner in crime i'm okay with that. the others leave, there's a lot of them but a second group is getting ready ! so kraam-but-not-quite grabs my arm firmly but like he doesn't hurt me or anything and we start going into The Unknown as well. im like hey wtf do we do now. and he tells me oh these two groups are going mad that couldn't be us let's go find the stray kids ( awake me now realises this is ~cringe~ but dream me was like whoa a solitary group of ppl who fight bigger evils ! BC YES THAT WAS WHAT SKZ WERE DOING IN THIS DREAM but i never met them ) so we can join forces w them and defeat these ppl. i look back. i see the second group from afar bc they have torches. im like wow this is like beauty and the beast.

something happens, idk what, but kraam starts running ! i'm a slow runner so i thought oh fuck not again but i ran after him anyway, the next bit is us running through a sort of jungle ( the sky is clear again ) and like its CRAZY i fucking loved that bit bc WOO ADVENTURE !! ( im a sagittarius )

then we slip between two trees' leaves and end up in a facility. we keep running bc if we stay there We Will Die. suddenly i am slowed down ( which leads me to believe before that he was holding my wrist but released my wrist when he slipped between the trees ) but he checks on me which i appreciate because that means he would rather die with me than survive without me, romance luv

his father ! the bastard. tries to kiss me in front of his mother. im like lmao dude thats disgusting die n go to catholic hell. i push him away and tell him off, he gets pissed but i cant go look for kraam bc his brothers r telling me abt how we're gonna go on a road trip. im like ? the world is abt to end tho ? but apparently my dream rly wanted a drama plot so fine.

his brothers have, allegedly, caught on to an alleged potential relationship between us. no im not gonna complain abt it im lonely and sad and gay so my dream fills in for me. theyre talking abt how theres not enough room for all of us in the van unless i sit on kraam for the trip but they ( specifically the one brother who oddly reminds me of dbk rain ) somehow make it into a sexual joke ? being me tho i didnt get it KSBSKDH... they were like talking abt legs ?? i remember it was abt how it wouldnt work with smth with four legs 'unless i could go with three' and like i dont even know what the hell that was supposed to mean we're talking abt a van not a horse ygwim ?

idk if i woke up after that but my brain did picture both me complaining to kraam abt his dad doing that and him getting quietly angry and just telling me to not come close to him again just in case hed try it again AND the beginning of the 'road trip' where i was indeed using kraam as a seat. and i was sleeping bc idk maybe i was tired from the running ! i hope my next dream is the continuation bc boy that was a whole drama episode

also i gave up and started calling him just kraam but it wasnt kraam ofc he just had kraams face from what i remember ! but he wasnt kraam at all

[yoonsellipsism]

12th of October. 2017

7:58pm — alone, philippines.

——————————————————

waking up automatically and still feeling tired. no matter how long i sleep, it doesnt help when your soul is the one who’s tired.

what happened? same process. i wake up i overthink, i feel heavy, i feel worthless, i feel alone.

staring on the ceiling for an hour is a part of my daily life.

i need to do something. i need to get out of my bed but i cant. i wanted to do it but it is so hard. it feels like the whole world is sitting above you.

after hours of thinking, finally. i got out of bed. and that doesnt stop there.

walking slowly to the bathroom, turning on the music while taking a bath, overthinking comes again.

i wonder how many gallons of water did i waste just to overthink.

after taking a bath, that leads to putting on some clothes, seeing yourself on the mirror makes you just wanna lock up yourself in your room.

i cant avoid looking at my body and i feel so fat. the outfit that i wanna wear does not compliment my body.

i let out a heavy sigh.

on the way to my destination is the hardest part. even though im on my way, i feel like i wanna just go home.

this monster keeps on bothering me.

it’s so hard walking. i feel like all the people’s eyes are glued on me & they are all judging.

i didnt want to go back to snow smith because they might be judging me as im always there. calm down, this is the last time, i tell myself.

finally im there. the time went by so fast & im feeling happy. like the real me. i am happy. no joke.

but as soon as the music i like stopped playing. i couldnt relate. im starting to get bored and i know it’s coming.

as im quietly using my phone, this monster came back. i saw it coming. this is what i expected.

this monster get irritated at simple things. she is so annoying. she wants attention. she doesnt like to talk. she wants people to approach her first. why is she fucking like this?

this monster gets so dangerous day by day. this monster will someday paralyze me.

i couldnt count how many times she let out a sigh. i couldnt count how many times she rolled her eyes.

as soon as we came back to that cafe, the monster is slowly going away. but im slowly feeling alone.

eventhough i have someone with me, i still felt alone.

as the time passed by, i came back. myself came back.

we talked about things and laughed. i went to the restroom, im alone again.

on the way to that restroom, another monster came.

this time she keeps on telling me what are they talking about when im gone.

maybe they feel like i just need attention.

i am self centered.

my outfit does not look good on me.

i keep on doing things that i should not be doing.

maybe they think that i just need sympathy.

as i came back, the last is playing.

we talked about things again.

but what’s circling on my mind is that dance.

i know i should not be doing that as i am not good at it.

why am i doing it anyway?

i cant do it.

why am i forcing myself to be like them when i am not?

i do not want to do it. my self esteem is not that high as it needed to be.

i am so scared to tell them.

they might tell me that i am selfish.

just because i do not want to do it, i wont do it.

you have no idea how many days i needed to gain the gut to tell them that i dont want to do it.

i know they will be annoyed. they will feel disappointed. but i just cant. im sorry.

i am afraid that they wont understand how i feel. of course, my feelings aren’t that important.

we went home. this is what i want to do but i dont want to.

i want to be alone. but im scared of that monster coming back and being stronger.

im right. it came back. stronger.

i watched a video about depression it triggered me.

should i tell them or not?

i cant breathe properly as i feel like these monsters are choking me.

they aren’t under my bed. it’s in my head.

these tears couldn’t stop flowing outside my eyes.

i feel so empty and numb. i feel so alone. i feel worthless.

i told them. i didnt seem to be more calm as they comfort me.i appreciate their efforts but why isn’t it helping me?

it’s getting worse.

it got even worse as someone laughed. it was like pulling the trigger completely.

someone laughed.

they dont understand. im feeling sad, empty, numb, worthless, alone, and i feel angry.

i tried to tell them some of my feelings but they dont seem to respond. telling them that im okay even when im not is easier than explaining these shits.

right. they dont understand. someone told me, you wouldnt understand depression unless you feel it.

i feel pressured when they told me that i should consult a psychiatrist. no. it’s a no for me. i just dont want it.

after an hour, im fine. but i just thought.

i started thinking again. i feel so unmotivated to everything. i should be doing my projects but it seems so hard.

save me / im fine

i need a hug.

——————————————————

i decided to write and create this blog because i cannot describe it properly as i am scared of my friends. they might not understand. im more than sad, friends. :)

[lunarmoonacnh]

i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight 

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio 

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist 

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog 

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh 

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive 

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad. 

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit 

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique  

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened 

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser 

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school 

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me 

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose 

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them 

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius 

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed 

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned 

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11 

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea 

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3 

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee 

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long 

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears 

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother  

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale 

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

[purgatoryfallenangel]

Do all the odd questions for the ask~

Ok here we go. Hopefully I went to the right ask cus I think I’ve reblogges more than one but I went to the most recent one lol. Also on mobile so I wrote down the questions in short form to respond too so. Yeh lol

1. Scars - I do have a few scars. One on my upper lip, ran straight off a freshly built porch and smacked my face right on the corner lol (was just learning to walk. Needed one stitch); chunk out of my knee from tripping on a tree root having a watergun fight when I was 8; and few little indents from when I had the chicken pox (was like. 12?)

3. Crush - yes there is a current crush lol. Well. Kinda crush kinda not it’s complicated (well not really but it’s a strange string if events lol).

5. Coke or Pepsi- fucking Pepsi all the way lol. I can drink coke too it’s not bad but I prefer Pepsi. If there’s no Pepsi then coke is my second option.

7. Best friends. Well. As for longest friends would be Rachael for sure. Though we haven’t talked much recently. And one I’ve known same about of time is kerestyn. Been some life issues that have caused some distance. For other good friends though that I’m still in contact with, well mainly my friends Imani (who changed her Tumblr and I can’t find her blog to @ her lol. And Harold. Who has a Tumblr he never uses lmao. As well as my friend Aleister. Who also has a Tumblr he doesn’t use… lmao

9. Dream job - honestly would be, plants I think. If I could work with plants and learn more and juat overall be the plant lady and tend to massive gardens that would be great.

11. Last time you cried - oh jeeze… I wanna say like. A month ago? Was stressed put about moving issuea. But think it was actually more like. A week and a half ago honestly. Wasn’t so much just, general stress, moatly some period hormones and thinking too hard about things that literally happened years ago…

13. Height - I feel short but in reality I’m adverage height for a girl in my area. I’m 5'3.5" (yea that half an inch counts I’m literally right smack on the half inch mark I swear lol.

15. Eye colour - I’ve got Hazel eyes. An olive kinda green around the outside with a lighter brown around the pupil. Swear they were more brown when I waa younger (like my mother and gransmother) but they’ve gone more green as I aged. So now I have my grandfather’s eyes (like my aunt. Who I look very very similar too already lol)

17. What do you love. Poutin, the paranormal and my cat. Not nesicarily in that order. Lol… could add more but I’ll leave that surprise till a later question lol.

19. If I had one wish what would it be - I’d juat wish that everything would be ok. Not even just for me but in general. Things don’t have to be perfect and amazing and fairytale perfect. Juat ok.

21. Kiss or hug - depends on the person. Close family is a kiss and a hug, not so much for kissing friends. Obviously if I’m dating someone it’s both. And then some.

23. Favorite song - as of late. Think it’s still this one here https://youtu.be/gJeh_dLjPN4. Closely followed by this one https://youtu.be/BI_0HIz_4JY

25. Worst thing to ever happen to me - honestly I wouldnt say anything all that awful has happened. Only one thing really but. I don’t really remember much and I’d rather not put out what I do remember on the internet.

27. Something I would change about myself - if I could get rid of my adhd think I would… Kinda been what’s fucked up my life until this point. Then again I wouldnt be me if I didn’t have it. So getting rid of it might not go well…

29. Worst mistake - holding onto people for far longer than I should have. I knew I should have just gone but I couldn’t let go and it fucked both sides up more than what waa needed. Well, I’d think it would anyway.

31. Heartbreak - yes I’ve gone through the heart break a few times. Once with my first long term boyfriend and the other time with a friend I was in love with. Me and the boyfriend broke up cus we couldn’t talk shit out without arguing and upsetting eachother.. And the friend was made uncomfortable because he’s a good few years older than me (7 years) and I was. I think, maybe 18. Possibly almost 19 when I told him but he met me when I was 15 so he was, creeped out a bit. Been years since I talked to either of them. Most recent was my, second long term boyfriend… that’s a mess I won’t get into. If only because one thing that caused the break up was him complaining to everyone but me, about me. And plastering his beef with me all over social media. As well as, images of things caused by my own issues and mental illness. So. I’m gonna leave the rest of that out… Though I’m more numb than anything when it comes to him…

33. Best day if my life - I’m not sure honestly. I’ve had a good few really nice days I don’t think I could pick a specific one lol.

35. Ever wish I could start over - honestly. No… because the shit that’s happened to me happened for a reason. If it hadn’t happened I wouldnt be where I am now or who I am now. Have to struggle to learn. Plus I’m actually happy now. Why would I want to give that up?

37. Near death experience - nah nothing like that. Unless I somehow didn’t notice I’ve never really had anything like that happen.

39. Lost a loved one - thankfully nobody I’ve been extremely close to has died recently. Family member I was closest too that had died waa my aunt Karen. But that was in. 2005? Maybe. God. Idk. I barely remember I wasn’t very old. I know it’s been at least 10 years but probably more than that honestly.

41. Someone you hate dislike - I really don’t hate anybody, and not normally for long if it does stick around… currently not to happy with my ex but. Again that’s more frustration. And some shit went down I have good reason to be angry about.

43. Relationship status - I am currently in a relationship. A very new one but. Was a long time coming lol.

Ok that’s a lot but here ya go. Enjoy this hot mess wasn’t really proof read but. Well it’s 230am so enjoy that lol