#update to come once i actually watch the video! (i'm scared.)

[radioromantic-moved]

lackadaisy‏‏‎ ‎animation‏‏‎ ‎released...on the one hand this is so awesome to see as a long time‏‏‎ ‎fan‏‏‎ ‎and‏‏‎ ‎kickstarter backer on the other hand i can FEEL the‏‏‎ ‎mordecai‏‏‎ ‎sexymanification‏‏‎ ‎creeping up on us like a horror movie monster.

[h0ney-mochi]

HELLO!! Can i request sub!fanboy!xiao x soft dom!idol (fem or gn) reader? feel free to ignore this! (i apologize for bad grammar & this is my first time requesting) Have a nice day! :D

Fanboy!Xiao x fem!reader ;; modern au (?)

NSFW/SMUT CONTENT (sub!fanboy!xiao, soft dom!reader, idol!reader, reader is afab but no pronoun use, praise, pegging, xiao calls reader 'ma'am' once or twice, longer scenario, not proofread, not too much nsfw tbh my bad)

Summary: Xiao is your biggest fan, yet he never approaches you, so you decide to do that yourself. Things escalate when you give him your number after your performance and you two hang out...

A/n: don't worry nonnie it's alright!! Ur grammar is fine, first time requesting can always be anxious <3 This was fun to write, I read like three kpop writings, one of danganronpa and then did research on idols BAHAHAH / sorry for taking such a long time to write this, hope this is well?! <3

Minor writer, dni if uncomfortable!

There was no denying that Xiao was your biggest fan. You noticed him at every concert, every meet-and-greet, every single event where you were. It made you feel sweet that he always showed up, light sticks and signs of your name, always waving them when you sang. You were also surprised that he could afford to come to every single event..?

But one thing you found interesting is that he never tried to talk to you like everyone else. Xiao was always in the back, just watching, looking at you. Your first thought was that he's shy. Made you a little upset that he didn't even try interacting with you. So you decided that you should start first.

You were aware that he had many accounts — fan pages — dedicated to you. Instagram with short clips of you on stage, pictures and merchandise he had bought, what not. Twitter was just posting updates, links to your newest videos, pictures and more. If he was able to film a longer video of you performing, he'd upload it along with his merchandise hauls.

And Xiao is over the moon when he notices you following each and every one. Almost falls over in his own room when you leave comments from time to time. He swears he'll come up to you some day, but he's so scared of messing up. What if he accidentally says something weird?? Xiao wouldn't dare. He wouldn't dare slip up and admit he daydreams of you.

Yet when your eyes met and you sent a heart gesture in his direction? Yes, he fainted and yes, you were worried as he was taken away. A day after that concert, you thought of sending a message to see if he was alright. But when you saw him tweeting about that, you couldn't help but laugh. He was cute.

...

It was the end of another concert. Everyone was leaving and you told one of your bodyguards to find a 'dark green haired male with highlights that looks pretty'. You watched from afar as the man left to find Xiao. He was typing on his phone, probably updates on one of his accounts.

Once the man approached him, he set his phone away in confusement, asking questions, if he had done something wrong. Your guard just shook his head and told him to follow. You walked away from sight, smoothing out your outfit. If Xiao won't approach you first, you will.

Once he realized he's going backstage, his nervousness grew higher. But when he steps inside and sees you with a smile, staring at him, he almost trips on air.

You chuckle before telling yout bodyguard that ge can leave for a while. He does, leaving you two alone. You look back at the boy and smile again.

"Your name is Xiao, correct?" You ask. You knew his name, of course, but you had to start conversation somehow. His hands are shaking and his eyes are wide, staring at you. Is this real? You're talking to him? You actually know his name like for real?

He feels lightheaded.

"Xiao, are you alright?" You ask again when he doesn't respond. He finally reacts, quickly nodding his head. "Y-Yeah, I'm Xiao," he speaks, voice trembling. You turn around to take your water bottle from the table so you could share.

You hand him the bottle with a smile, "You're nervous, I get it, but don't worry! I don't bite, promise." You watch as he slowly takes the bottle from you, quickly licking his dry lips. You could hear a quiet thank you. You just nodded.

"No, it's just-" Xiao swallows, opening it, still staring, "I can't believe you're talking to me personally? All alone?" You laugh and he feels his face heat up.

He really is shy. Adorable.

"Well, you never tried approaching me, so I thought I should do it first," you say while he drinks, "Although I do wonder, do you not want to talk or you just want to watch from the back?"

"Wait, no, I-" Xiao panics for a moment, but stops before he says anything different, "I mean, I really, really want to talk to you, it's been a dream of mine-" "But?"

"..But I don't think you'd have time for me?" He continues, blinking at you. You nod, "I understand that. But hey, I think I've got time before I go, we can talk! Besides I've wanted to speak to you for a long time."

Xiao's eyes widen, "..huh? Really?" "Oh, of course! Every time I come on stage, I always try to find you because I know you'll be there. It's sweet, cute really," you respond, taking the water bottle from him. You put it in your bag as Xiao trues to process what you just said.

You look at your phone and realize you should be leaving.

"Ah, Xiao, I'm terribly sorry, but I'll have to go," you turn to said male. He nods quickly and you notice a small smile on his face. "No, it's fine- you wanting to speak to me in the first place is enough," he says, voice growing quieter.

"Aw, alright. Well, how about we meet in one of the cafe's?" You suggest, quickly finding a piecw of paper and a pen, "If you'd want to and if you're not busy." You write down your phone number and give it to him.

Xiao takes it with a shaky hand and you smile at him. "Give me a call if you want, okay?" You take your bag, "If you're not busy tonight, that is." He stares at then at you. You put a hand on his shoulder and whisper, "I'll be waiting, Xiao."

His face heats up as you take his hand to lead him out. You say something to the bodyguard and the two of you are leaving. You look back at Xiao. He's staring at you with a slightly opened mouth, probably in surprise.

You send him a wink and look back. That made him get even redder as he hid his mouth in his hand.

...

He was in his hotel room, staring down at the paper. Well, only a day until you're going somewhere else. This will surely be his last chance to finally talk to you. And in private as well?

After a moment of trying to calm down, Xiao took his phone out. His nails tap on the screen, writing in your number. He was nervous, already feeling lightheaded again. He's gonna talk to you.

Before he can back out, he calls you, putting it on speaker. Each ringing sound made him more anxious. Maybe you joked around? Or maybe you gave him a different one? Well, you wouldn't do that, would you? Surely not-

The ringing suddenly stopped, being replaced with your voice.

"Xiao! You called!" Your voice rang through and he sighs in relief. "So, you're not busy? You'd like to meet up?" You ask and he could tell by your voice that you're definitely smiling.

"Um," he swallows, shaking his head, "Yeah, I'm free. You really want to— you want to talk to me?" "Yes, I do, I already said that, didn't I?" You chuckle. Then you started to speak about which Cafe to meet in and which hotel you're staying at. That's how you arranged a meet up.

He was sitting at one of the tables, nervously tapping the cup with his nails. He was looking around the cafe, waiting for you to show up. While he waited, Xiao took his phone out to post some short clips he took.

You slowly approached the table, sitting in front of him. He jumped at your sudden voice, immediately looking at you. You laugh, shaking your head. Xiao noticed the clothes change, of course, trying to disguise yourself.

"Ah, you didn't think I'd come in a vibrant fit, did you?" You say, smiling at him. He averted his eyes, coughing, "No, I didn't think that-" "Don't want fans to come running," you rest your head on your hand. Xiao looks back at you, "I didn't- I'm sorry, I didn't know if you'd want tea, so I just ordered one for myself."

You blink at him and then nod, "I'll order for myself, don't worry." That's how it went, you got a tea and the two of you chatted. Xiao wasn't too nervous anymore which made you feel better. At some point you speak about his social media. You notice his cheeks flush when you talk about how much you love seeing his updates. Never late.

He himself slipped in some shy compliments about you, all the while you enjoyed the tea. It was relaxing. Until it seemed like the time was over. It passed a little too quickly, so you asked him if he'd want to go to your hotel room, continue the chat.

Xiao was starstruck. You inviting him to your hotel room? This was too much for one day.

He immediately nodded, "Yeah, if I can, I want- we can talk more." You blink, slightly laughing, "You're eager." He goes quiet before chuckling, "My bad-"

..

It was quiet, a few sentences here and there until you both were inside the hotel room. Xiao was looking around the place. You closed the door, breaking the silence, "We can go out on the balcony. The view is nice."

He turned to look at you while you shrugged. You took his hand and he followed you to the balcony door, face warming up.

Cold air brushed against your skin as you walked out, letting go of his hand. You rest your hands on the railing, gazing up. Xiao went next to you, looking down at the streets.

"Look up, pretty," you say. He glances at you before looking in. There were some stars scattered along the sky. It went silent.

Xiao was trying to think of something to say, while sliding his hand towards yours. Your hand was warm and he wanted to feel it again.

Should he even be here? Will he get in trouble for being like this with you? He's just a fan, after all. Idols shouldn't be this close with fans, no? But.. he doesn't care for it. You wanted to talk, so here he is. This is a blessing, why should he question it?

You noticed and you waited. Waited for the touch.

His fingers brushed against yours, eyes darting up to your face. You sighed, looking at him. Xiao's eyes widened, pulling his hand away, but you caught it. He stared at you, then back at his hand then back at you. You smiled softly, interwining your fingers with his.

"If you want to hold my hand, just tell me," you say, watching as his face goes red. You continue to stare. His eyes are pretty. He's pretty. Could you make him more flustered?

He's special. And mad attractive.

Xiao is tearing his gaze every few seconds. When you moved your thumb against his hand, he feels lightheaded once again. Oh, the simple things you do to him.

"By the way, I hope I didn't pressure you into meeting up with me," you speak, turning towards him, "You can always leave if you want-" "No-!" He squeezes your hand, "I didn't want to deny, oh no, I've wanted to talk to you for far too long—" You tilt your head, listening to him.

He shakes his head, "I want to be with you as long as I can, being this close to you is just- [name], you're- Can I call you that?" You can't help but laugh a little, nodding, "Yeah, you can. You talk too much." Before he could respond, you continued, "That's cute. I like it."

His breathing hitches. He's blinking again, looking away from you. Cute?

You pull him a little closer by his hand and lean a little down. He gasps, surprise evident in his expression. "You like being called cute?" You ask, lidding your eyes. "I- I didn't mean to make anything weird, I'm sorry," he quickly speaks, but you shake your head.

"Shh. You didn't make anything weird," you put your other hand on his chin, pulling him closer, "Just answer me." Xiao breathes in, eyes quickly flickering down to your lips, then back to your eyes. He feels the flutter of butterflies in his stomach.

"..Maybe?" He whispers, swallowing. Will you call him weird? He certainly doesn't want to be seen as one of your weird fans. He isn't, but when you're so close to his face, he can feel your breath, oh God, you're warm, oh-

You slowly go a little closer, tilting your head just so your lips could brush against his. His eyes are widening again as he tries to not move. "Xiao," you whisper, "You're my biggest fan, aren't you?" He responds with a quiet 'I think?' which makes you chuckle.

"I'd like to give you a little reward for being so supportive all this time," you whisper, "Would you accept it?" Xiao immediately responds, "Y-yes, yes of course!" Oh dear, oh dear oh gorgeous..

You finally kissed him. He almost fell down from the sudden feeling, but you caught him, wrapping your hands around him. Xiao's hands went to your cheeks, kissing you back almost immediately.

When you pulled away for a moment to tell him to part his lips, you saw how flushed his face was, he was already trying to catch his breath even if the kiss wasn't that long. Yes, you didn't lie. He was cute. Wide eyes staring into yours as he nods at your words, going to kiss you again.

He did as you said previously. You pushed your tongue against his, a sudden noise being drowned in the kiss. Xiao's hand moved to your hair, tangling into it, trying to ground himself and not get too lost in the moment.

Oh, did you taste sweet. He never even imagined you could kiss so good. Kiss him so good. It was too much, it made him feel like he was flying — one reason as to why he was tugging on your hair.

After a moment, you pulled away again. "Let's go back inside," you say, smiling at him, "It's getting cold. Won't be good getting sick." Xiao just nods, looking away. You let go of him and he does the same. Walking back inside the warm room, he closes the door. When Xiao turns to you, you're pulling him by his hand towards you.

He's already latching onto your lips, free hand going to your cheek. You kissed back while you lead him to the bed, breaking the kiss to tell him to lay down.

Xiao gets on the bed, looking up at you. You can't help but giggle, getting on top. "Is this okay?" You ask, pushing him down. He nods eagerly, "Yes, yes it is, please don't stop." You nod, leaning down to press a kiss on his neck. You slowly kiss up to his jaw before going back down. One of your hands was on his chest and you could feel how his heart was racing. You then sucked on a spot, making him moan.

His hand goes to his mouth while turning his head away. You sucked a bruise before pulling away, leaving a kiss on it. "Are you embarrassed?" You whisper, pressing more kisses to his skin. Xiao slowly nods, swallowing. Your hand on his chest goes to take his hand away from his mouth.

"Use your words, pretty," you say and suck on another spot. He makes noise, hands going to your sides. "Yes, I'm– You're right-" he mumbles out. You press a kiss on the mark and smile, "Good boy." A shaky sigh comes from his throat.

"Oh?" You pull away to look down at him, "You like that, don't you?" Xiao turns his head, facing you, quietly responding, "Maybe.." "Gosh, you're pretty," you say, "Can I mess you up?" Your boldness makes him raise his eyebrows. "What?"

"Oh, my apologies, that was weird," you glance away, laughing slightly, "I shouldn't say that." "Please," Xiao mumbles and you look at him, "Please do that.."

You stare. He's looking up at you with pleading eyes, breathing in. "Please do whatever you want with me, to me, please," he pulls you back down, blinking at you, "Please, I want you to— I-" He doesn't continue. So you speak.

"You want me to what? Tell me," you trace your finger on his cheek, "Tell me what you've been thinking of this whole time." He's lost for words. But when you look at him like that-

"I want you to touch me," he whispers, shutting his eyes, "Please, I want you to do whatever, please, just fuck me—" "Repeat that a little louder, Xiao," you kiss his cheek. And he does. "I want you to fuck me, [name], please, I need you.."

You gave him a peck on the lips before saying, "Good boy. Wait here a moment, okay? I want you to undress." He nods and you get off the bed. You go to one of your suitcases, opening it up. Xiao was taking his clothing off while time to time watching what you were doing.

After finding what you needed, you turned back to him. His eyes slightly widened. Was that.. Are those.. Why is that in your suitcase in the first place? Why would you carry around a strap in your inventory?

Well, who cares about that now.

You went to put down what you were holding — a strap and a bottle of lube. You got onto the bed, looking at Xiao. He stared at you, then back at the stuff. "C'mon, pretty boy, lay down," you say and he slowly does it.

You spread his legs and he let out a noise of surprise while you opened up the bottle.

Xiao stared as you coated your fingers. You glanced at him for a moment, "You're beautiful like this, you know?" He bit his lip, blinking. "I'm not saying you're not always beautiful, you are," you continue while slowly pushing a finger inside, "But right now you're the prettiest."

He sighs, looking away, "Don't— ah- Don't say that, m-ma'am.." You look at him, pushing another inside, "Ma'am?" Xiao closes his eyes, mumbling something before suddenly moaning.

Yes, that felt weird and he never imagined he'd have something up his ass. That something being your fingers.

You sped them up, smirking at him. He's trying to say something for sure, but his moans interrupt everything. "Shh, don't be too loud, okay?" You slow down and then take your fingers out, "I want you to be good and a little more quiet, got it?" He suppresses a whine before nodding at you.

...

Xiao gripped the sheets under him, burying his face in a pillow. You held his hips, nails digging into his skin, leaving behind half moon indents. His attempts at staying quiet didn't work well.

"Oh, pretty boy," you bring a hand down to his hair, pulling his head up, "Do you love being this loud for me?" He mewls, eyes fluttering open, it being the only response you got. You sigh, picking up the pace, Xiao moaning louder.

Leaning down to his neck, you press a kiss on his shoulder. You then bite down, sucking a mark while your grip on his hair loosens a little. He groans, tongue falling out, "M-ma'am, fuck, I- feels sogood-!"

"Mhm, just like that," you smile, taking your hand away from his hair, "Such a good boy." You wrap your hand around his dick which makes Xiao jolt, head falling downwards.

"W-wait—!" He moans, gasping as his hand goes to grip the pillow, "I'm gonna- [name], I'm gonna cum—!" You just leave kisses on his neck and back, jerking him quicker. His moans turn into whines and gasps.

His grip on the sheets and pillow is tight, drool stains visible. "Gah‐ Stop, wait- I'm- gonnacum, please, fuck—" his voice goes into desperation, his thighs beginning to shake. You smile before speaking, "Go on, cum for me, pretty. Be a good boy, yeah?"

Xiao trembles in your hands, staining your fingers and the sheets below him. You slow down your thrusts and your pace on his dick. You straighten your back, your hand from his hip going to massage his back as he falls down onto the pillow.

He's panting, still slightly shaking. You take your hand away from him, looking at it. You giggle, glancing down at the sweaty Xiao. "You've messed up my hand, that's cute," you say, licking away a few traces. He turns his head a little too see you. Swallowing, he speaks, "You're.. amazing.. Mmh, that was good ..."

You pull out and he collapses. You sit down, slightly chuckling, "Just for you, Xiao." He sighs, closing his eyes, mumbling something. You tilt your head, "I can't hear you." He groans, hiding his face. You get up to lean over him.

"I just pegged you, there's nothing to be embarrassed about," you say, kissing his hair. Xiao turns to look at you again. Oh, did he look messed up. Messy hair, traces of saliva on his chin..

"Um.." He blinks, making eye contact with you, "Thank you.." You smile before kissing him. He kisses back, pretty much melting in your mouth again. After a few seconds you pull away, still smiling at him.

"You're welcome," you whisper, "My best fan needs a little gift after all."

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

So here I am, unable to sleep again, because of the horrifying attack on Israel.

The stories keep coming out and for every new detail I find out, another part of my soul shatters.

[***massive trigger warning for the rest***]

I feel like I'm living in a parallel world to everyone who is not affected by this situation. It's been surreal to go about my work day and regular life as if the images of blood-soaked cradles, burned corpses, raped and wounded women, captives of all ages being taken away on vehicles, video of a small child being taunted for crying for his mother, body bags lined up in rows on the ground, torched cars and homes, and the raw grief of the surviving family members aren't burned onto the backs of my eyelids.

One account I read from a family member of the deceased was that she was beaten, raped in multiple ways and sticks shoved into each place, and left for dead. Another I came across spoke of a small child being forced to watch his parents tortured, killed, and hacked apart. Still another I saw was a report of several children bludgeoned to death so as not to "waste the bullets."

How can I possibly begin to process this?

These people look just like the people in my communities and the friends I've made across the sea. They have my Hebrew teacher's hair, my rabbi's cheekbones, they sound like the shinshinim kids we have each year. They look like the baby nephews of my fellow congregants. I could have davened next to any of them and never known. It is only sheer dumb luck that I don't personally know someone who has died or lost close family.

There has been a pit of dread in my stomach since Shimini Atzeret that will not go away. I find myself on the verge of tears at all times, yet have not been able to actually cry (which is not a good sign; an inability to express sadness in tears is a known post-trauma response for me) and I cannot rest normally. Sometimes I can distract myself for a bit, but the pain and grief rush back in immediately when I remember.

I can feel, in real time, this Jewish cultural trauma sinking into my bones.

And you might think I might be able to separate myself from it since I'm not there and don't have family there. But I can't, because I don't want to. I can't, because some tether bound me forever to the land as soon as my feet hit the ground there, and some part of my soul stayed behind when I left. I don't want to, because these are my people and so they are my adoptive family, even if I do not know them. I am my brother's keeper.

And so here I stand, half a world away from the danger, nervous and scared and grieving, searching our perfectly blue sky for signs of missiles that are not falling here and being startled constantly by the normal and unbroken landscape. The lush beauty of Midwestern autumn woods is juxtaposed in my mind with Middle Eastern walls painted in the blood of my people and their broken bodies beneath them. I see it in the waking light of day as clear as anything in front of me, and walk around like a person divided, in both places at once yet not being fully present in either. I cannot unsee it.

How can I possibly explain this? To myself? To the people actually having to live this nightmare? To the other people removed from the immediate physical danger but who do have blood relatives and/or other family there that they're just praying stay safe and come home at the end of the day? That they are constantly checking their phones for updates or even minimal signs that they're still alive?

The words fail me, but I the closest thing I have to an answer is love. I love my people and I would rather absorb this pain with them and carry it in my soul forever than look away from Jewish suffering. That is a promise I made by joining this people, that my fate would forever be bound up in the collective fate of klal Yisrael. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you stay, I will stay; your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-d. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus and more may Hashem do to me if anything but death parts me from you.

אַל־תִּפְגְּעִי־בִ֔י לְעׇזְבֵ֖ךְ לָשׁ֣וּב מֵאַחֲרָ֑יִךְ כִּ֠י אֶל־אֲשֶׁ֨ר תֵּלְכִ֜י אֵלֵ֗ךְ וּבַאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּלִ֙ינִי֙ אָלִ֔ין עַמֵּ֣ךְ עַמִּ֔י וֵאלֹהַ֖יִךְ אֱלֹהָֽי׃ בַּאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּמ֙וּתִי֙ אָמ֔וּת וְשָׁ֖ם אֶקָּבֵ֑ר כֹּה֩ יַעֲשֶׂ֨ה יְהֹוָ֥ה לִי֙ וְכֹ֣ה יוֹסִ֔יף כִּ֣י הַמָּ֔וֶת יַפְרִ֖יד בֵּינִ֥י וּבֵינֵֽךְ׃

[רות א]

I do not take that lightly, and I feel it in my bones. Some core part of me shattered at the same time as the rest of my community.

I cannot, and I will not look away. I will not close my heart or shield myself from this tragedy. And I will not forget.

עַ֥ל נַהֲר֨וֹת ׀ בָּבֶ֗ל שָׁ֣ם יָ֭שַׁבְנוּ גַּם־בָּכִ֑ינוּ בְּ֝זׇכְרֵ֗נוּ אֶת־צִיּֽוֹן׃ עַֽל־עֲרָבִ֥ים בְּתוֹכָ֑הּ תָּ֝לִ֗ינוּ כִּנֹּרוֹתֵֽינוּ׃ כִּ֤י שָׁ֨ם שְֽׁאֵל֪וּנוּ שׁוֹבֵ֡ינוּ דִּבְרֵי־שִׁ֭יר וְתוֹלָלֵ֣ינוּ שִׂמְחָ֑ה שִׁ֥ירוּ לָ֝֗נוּ מִשִּׁ֥יר צִיּֽוֹן׃ אֵ֗יךְ נָשִׁ֥יר אֶת־שִׁיר־יְהֹוָ֑ה עַ֝֗ל אַדְמַ֥ת נֵכָֽר׃ אִֽם־אֶשְׁכָּחֵ֥ךְ יְֽרוּשָׁלָ֗͏ִם תִּשְׁכַּ֥ח יְמִינִֽי׃ תִּדְבַּֽק־לְשׁוֹנִ֨י ׀ לְחִכִּי֮ אִם־לֹ֢א אֶ֫זְכְּרֵ֥כִי אִם־לֹ֣א אַ֭עֲלֶה אֶת־יְרוּשָׁלַ֑͏ִם עַ֝֗ל רֹ֣אשׁ שִׂמְחָתִֽי׃

[תהלים קלז]

[rodentgoth]

.X| "Answer Phone" - Ch.6 |X.

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WHAT'S THIS AN UPDATE AFTER SEVERAL MONTHS!? Sorry this is taking so long, but me and @candy12110 are gonna try and get this done! The next few chapters will be from Marvus's POV, and the last one will go back to Chixie's.

Rating:: 13+ // Teen

Fandom:: Homestuck

Themes/Kinks:: None

*1 month earlier*

Marvus was so tired. 

He'd been on his feet all day preparing for his set, and he finally got a chance to just breathe without some lovestruck groupie up his ass asking for an autograph, a hug, or trying to fill his quadrants.

 It was exhausting being loved. 

He was sitting in his dressing room alone for once, trying to relax while scrolling on Chittr. After scrolling past various adverts and stalkerish fan messages, he came across a video of some bronzeblood performing. They were in a seedy little bar, with a small crowd, and terrible lighting. He didn't have high expectations for them but he could always appreciate a fellow performer.

He watched the video to the very end and was mildly surprised by how much he enjoyed it. He went to the comments, and there were only a few. He wanted to comment but his publicist, and his fanbase, would kill him if he did. He could tell the few trolls that did comment were lower on the hemospectrum, they were pretty supportive. However, he did notice one from a familiar account that caused him to internally cringe.

THECODAKKEFFECT::  Great job, Bronzie boo! Sorry, I couldn't make it. I couldn't miss Marvus’s concert but you looked gorgeous on stage.

He stared at the screen curiously, there was no way in hell that indingdong was her matesprit. And if he was, there was no way he had any good intentions behind it, he was known for having his quadrants forever empty.

 Marvus rewatched the Bronzie’s performance, the shot was way too shitty to tell what they looked like. Morbid curiosity led him down the rabbit hole, he got the bronzeblood’s name from the video caption and started looking for anything he could find on them. 

Chixie? Chixie. Chixie!

He found a video with far better quality that finally showed what they looked like. Chixie was…shy? Nervous? He wouldn't necessarily say gorgeous, but she wasn't ugly either. She was…cute. She didn't have much presence or hype but she was talented. 

After watching at least ten videos of her performing and pouring out her soul he could reasonably say he was a fan. Her lyrics, composition, and the way she put her all into her performance even if he could tell she was scared for her life half the time. Honestly, her nervousness weirdly added to her cuteness. Like a hopbeast shivering in fear but still thumping along in an attempt to scare off predators. She was definitely brave, not fierce or powerful, but she held her own on stage and he liked that. 

He broke out of his thoughts to a knock at the door.

"Marvus, I'm coming in. I'm tired of all the noise out here," Chahut announced, busting through the door and entering the room with the rest of the purplebloods following her like quackbeasts.

"Honk!" The smallest clown, Karako, ran up to Marvus and hugged as tight as he could. As annoyed as he was with them barging in, he couldn’t stay mad at the little clown. 

"Hey to you too, little wriggler. Been causing trouble?" He patted the little clown’s messy fluff of hair, before actually holding onto him.

"Honk!" 

"Good. Never let 'em keep you in a box." 

"Honk?" Karako pointed at Marvus's palmhusk.

"What? Her? Nothing. I just liked her songs so I was giving ‘em a listen," He waved the runt off, quickly locking his palmhusk.

Chahut narrowed her eyes at him.

 “This another one of ya desperate lil’ groupies?”

“Nah, and mind ya business!”

"Mighty defensive are we?" Chahut stalked closer to Marvus. He instinctively moved the hand holding the device away from her, only for it to get snatched by one of the twins from behind.

They quickly opened the phone to see a video of the bronzie girl playing on a loop.

“Aww your love-sick for a lil’ Bronze girl,” Chahut said mockingly.

“How cute!” She quickly busted out laughing with the twins, before Marvus snatched it back!

“Didn’t I tell ya’ll to mind ya business!” Marvus responded with a clenched jaw. He didn't know why he was being so defensive, but he did find the invasion of his space and privacy annoying.

"Why should we? Mr. Unaffected is over here creeping on some bronzeblood. What happened? Embarrassed?" She said smirking and cocking her head.

The twins both shook their heads before speaking.

"You should be!"

"How embarrassing." 

Karako just looked up at the bigger clown confused.

"Honk?" 

Marvus’s face grew angrier by the second.

"I'm not feeling flushed for her little man. Why do y'all even care?"

“Cause we love to torture you!” 

Chahut commented as she gave the device back to him.

He immediately snatched it out of her hands, causing Chahut to jump back a bit.

“Jeez, we were just playin’!”

He glared up at her annoyed, before sitting back down. The room fell silent for a bit before the twins began to speak.

"You're not seriously developing feelings for the bronzie are you?" 

"..."

"You're not seriously developing feelings, right Marvus?!" They both repeated in unison.

His face became more annoyed.

“No, I ain’t!” 

"Good,” Chahut cut in sitting down on the couch.

”A troll of your status ain’t got no business foolin’ around with some lowblood girl. You remember what happened last time?”

"That ain't gon happen. A, I'm not foolin’ around with her. B, I don't even know her. C, she's not even a fan. D, most important of all, I ain't never even met her before. There is no business happening here. I saw a cool performance and I wanted to see if she had talent. You motherfuckers are the ones making it weird!"

"Fair enough. Just tryna make sure you ain't repeating that bullshit,"

"Time is money. Do you think I can afford to pay attention to every lowblood out there? Is my name Nova?" 

"Honk!"

"Right little man! I'm nothing like that fame chaser,"

“Honk! Honk!” Karako aggressively commented, while the other three just rolled their eyes.

“Whatever.” Chahut stretched her arms behind her head.

“I just can’t wait for you to finally be on vacation. You’re takin’ us with you, right?” 

Baizli asked.

“Yeah, we got everything packed up.” 

Barzum followed up.

“Honk?”

"You wanna go with me?" Marvus walked over to the smallest clown and picked him up, booped him on the nose.

"Honk!"

"I don't know, they been kinda annoying lately," Marvus teased the smaller troll.

Karako turned to the other purple bloods and shook his head side to side. 

"Oh, you not a part of they group? I guess you could come with me. We'll leave these losers behind,"

"Honk!"

"Hear that, it's me and little man's duo trip. But, maybe if ya’ll apologize, I’ll consider bringing yas along.” He and Karako gave a small chuckle

"We're so sorry," The twins enthusiastically responded.

"That's two more invited! Chahut you're next."

"As If I'm apologizin’ to your lame ass," Chahut crossed her arms. She barely moved to sit up before having three pleading faces staring at her. 

"Ooooh looks like the wrigglers are gonna miss you. How sad. But I guess you're too lame to hang with guys." 

"Fuck you."

"That's not an apology. Wanna try again?"

"I'm sorry, Marvus,” She said grumbling under her breath.

“That’s three!” He said, high-fiving Karako. 

"Vacation! Vacation! Vacation! Vacation," the twins chanted, flipping around the room.

"Honk! Honk!" Karako cheered along.

—

Marvus was sitting on his bed in the hivetel. He was wearing one of his old merch t-shirts, no point in wearing that clunky tux and scrolling through Chittr. Since the point Chahut made about that clingy lowblood from before he'd been trying to keep his mind off Chixie. Unfortunately, nothing like forbidden fruit makes you want to take a bite. As soon as he arrived and locked himself in his room he’d started watching more videos of the girl. In his scrolling, he came across a post on her actual account. 

Chixie:: I'll be performing at BloodBrawl bar tonight. Come out and show support!

Below the text was a picture of the lineup, there in big brown text was her name. She’d be the middle act and the bar was close to the hivetel. It was at that moment that Marvus got an amazing, and kinda stupid, idea. He did have a few toned-down outfits and his favorite black hoodie. It wouldn't hurt to just pop out for a drink real quick. 

He just saw a recommendation to come out to a local place that had good music. As an accomplished artist, how could he resist hearing fresh talent? If he just so happened to see the bronzeblood that he's been listening to for the past two days then so be it. It's their fault for choosing this hivetel, not his.

With his plan in mind, he memorized the time she’d be performing and went to gather everything he’d need, searching vigorously through his bags. He found his most raggedy hoodie, an old patched-up pair of sweats, and some platformed boots he wore for a concert messiah knows how long ago. To make things more convincing he decided to give himself a fake caste symbol. But there was only one person in their entire Hivetel with paint…Chahut.

He sighed walking down that hall towards her and Karako’s room. 

“Chachki!” He yelled knocking at the door.

He heard several large stomps before the door flew open.

“I thought I told ya to never call me that,” she looked down at him agitated.

“Whatcha want?”

“I need to borrow ya paint sis’.”

She cocked her eyebrow.

“What for?”

“I…Need to repaint some of my shoes.”

He all but mumbled out. It wasn’t a lie, after sweeps of performing a lot of his shoes and outfits were worn out. The bigger clown stared at him for a moment before sighing and going back into her room. She pulled a bag of spray paints out of her suitcase. She tossed them out to him, and he wandered off back to his room. He picked up the burgundy and quickly sprayed a fake caste symbol on his hoodie. 

He wanted to make sure  no one  recognized him, went into the washroom, tied his hair back, and did something he never thought he’d do. He washed his makeup off. It was weird seeing his gray skin after only seeing white on it for so long. For the piece de resistance, fake glasses and a face mask. 

He threw his newly painted hoodie on and slunk out of the hivetel room. He took the stairs to avoid any fans or press and snuck out the back of the building. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and hunched forward changing his overall image and hiding as much of his shape as possible. He didn't remember ever being able to leave a building without being watched or swarmed before but it was an exciting feeling.

Before he knew it he was on the streets, heading towards the bar. He did get a few looks on the way, he guessed they’d never seen a burgundy this big. Still, it didn’t stop some of the higher bloods from pushing and shoving him out of their way. To be honest he didn’t even notice most of them, they just bounced off of him. Plus he was too focused on seeing this gig to worry about any of them.

After a few minutes, he finally made it, and there wasn’t too long a line!

When he got in he noticed the place was fairly crowded, he thought back to the lineup, he did remember seeing some popular names. He looked around a bit to see if he could recognize Chixie before giving up and going to get a drink. He had a few songs to get through before he would get to hear hers anyway.

The act currently setting up was a purpleblood band. They were pretty good if he was being honest, but he wasn’t coming for them. He was here for one performance, and one performance only.

After them was a solo indigo.

And after that was another act and another…and another. If he was being honest, a lot of the acts were starting to meld into one another. 

Something else he noticed was how many of the acts were blatantly copying him. Not just his lyrics and beat, but his entire persona and style.

 Normally he wouldn’t mind this he loved it when people took inspiration from his work. But all of these acts felt the same, there was no flare or pizzazz. Just the same thing over and over expecting to get more applause than the last act, absolutely boring. But, it would all be worth it, soon, cause next up was Chixie!

Only the little bronzie didn’t come out, instead, it was another group of purples who, apparently came late. Marvus sat there confused, as to why Chixie wasn’t on stage.

Maybe they just rearranged her spot, so they could perform?

He didn't care for the abrupt change but it's fine he could sit through one more performance.

After them was another group, indigobloods. Then there was a teal solo act. Then two jade acts back to back.

It seemed like everyone but Chixie was performing tonight, as the show went on more and more trolls started to leave. Soon there was nothing but a handful of lowbloods and one indigo, standing in the front, left. Marvus was considering leaving himself, but he noticed a fairly short troll nervously walking on stage.

The last act came up, and there she was, Chixie. Despite his annoyance, Marvus felt a smile grow across his face when he saw her. He noticed her outfit, it was a long black button-down dress, a pair of white leggings, and a pair of black flats with baggy leg warmers. It wasn’t at all flashy, and it didn’t look expensive, but it was still cute!

His focus on her was broken by the sound of very out-of-place cheering; he looked forward to seeing the indigo loudly praising her and clapping. His eyes migrated back to the bronze girl, who was now awkwardly smiling and waving at him as she pulled down the mic off the stand.

A burgundy with a guitar wrapped around him stumbled out and started playing. 

She visibly sighed, before she started to sing.

The song she sang was a somber one. She didn’t do much, she wasn’t loud or flashy like the other acts. She didn’t have dance moves unless you counted hand gestures and hip sways.

She was just being herself, calm, but kind of nervous. Many would probably call her “Plain” or “simple” but that’s what made it all stand out. She wasn’t trying to be this big personality, she knew who she was, and that made her all the more unique to Marvus.

Soon the guitarist stopped and Chixie’s voice disappeared with the last few chords.

He was stunned. She was far better in person than the shitty video quality from Chittr. However, he did appreciate whoever was uploading videos of her performances. He sat for a while watching her interact with the few lowbloods left in the bar before visibly cringing as she turned to the indigoblood that was feeling a little too excited to see her.

"Hey Zebruh! I'm so…glad you could make it. I thought you were going to a concert for that purpleblood you liked."

"Marvus. His name is Marvus.”

The indigo corrected.

 “And I did wanna go to his show but I heard he went on vacation, so I decided to come support you in the meantime!"

"That's so sweet of you but you didn't have to-"

"What kind of manager would I be if I wasn't here to support my favorite bronzie!”

He interrupted getting in the bronze girl’s face.

"Oh. Well…You really didn't have to." 

"Nonsense! They already bullied you once. If you had let me, I would ' ve made sure they never changed your spot, but of course, you're just too kind," Zebruh smirked. Marvus eavesdropped for a bit and could feel the anger she was hiding from his backhanded compliment.

"I'm glad you think so," She smiled weirdly at the indigo, as he tried to put his hand on her but she turned away like she heard someone call her, barely missing his hand. 

"They called Trixie not Chixie," he said, dropping his arm to his side.

"Oh! Well, that's fine. Sorry, but I have to go, I gotta- feed my lusus! I'll see you later."

Without a second she turned and walked away.

"I love that about you. You're so responsible. Bye~"

He yelled at her from across the room.

The mousy girl quickly ran out of the bar, brushing past Marvus. His eyes focused on her face quickly taking in her features as she skittered past him. He wasn't expecting to get such a close-up- up but at least he was right and the trip wasn't a waste, she really was cute. 

Marvus made his way back to the hivetel. He figured using the stairs would be better but by the fifth floor, he started regretting his choice. He decided to just take off his sweater and take the elevator the rest of the way up. He managed to make it through the hall without being spotted or recognized. Soon enough he made it back to his room and he sighed loudly when he got in. 

His tiredness was soon replaced with panic when he noticed Karako sitting on the couch, legs and arms crossed.

"Honk."

"Woah! Hey little man, what you doing here?"

"Honk?" Karako glared at him, waiting for an answer.

"Where I been? What you mean, where I been? I just stepped out for a bit. I ain’t been gone long."

 Karako made an annoyed face at the obvious lie.

"Three hours ain't that long. Why were you in my room for three hours?" He tried to change the subject but the little clown steamrolled past it.

"Honk. Honk."

"Thanks for thinkin' of me but you really ain't have to and as you can see I'm fine."

"Honk?" Karako asked again.

"I just got a drink and forgot to check my palmhusk. Sorry little dude."

The little clowned glared him down, giving an exaggerated pout.

"Just down the block! Look, it's not that serious."

"…Honk," Karako glared at him suspiciously.

"No, I didn't go see that girl. What girl are you even talkin' about?"

Karako quickly showed the evidence on his palmhusk.

" I didn't go to see her! I just got a drink at a bar she just so happened to be performin' in."

“Honk!”

“My makeup? It needed to be redone, so I took it off!”

“...Honk,” The small clown pointed at the jacket, and glasses he still had in his hand. It was at this point Marvus knew the little clown wouldn’t give up, he sat next to him and began to explain.

“Okay, I ain’t confirmin’ or denyin’ nothing. But maybe,  maybe , I went to see her perform,” His panic was replaced with a small grin as he explained further.

“You should’a seen her! She was so sweet and so talented. I thought seeing her in person would, you know, scratch the itch. Sate my curiosity.”

Karako cocked his head at the older clown.

"Yeah, I probably should've left it alone but I couldn't not go after being told not to watch her." 

“Honk!” Karako began to chuckle as he stated the obvious.

“No! I ain’t got red feelings for her! I remember what happened last time!” He picked Karko up into his arms “Besides, you too young to be talkin’ bout that!”

“Honk?”

“Yeah…I did say this was different…”

“Honk!”

“No! I ain’t goin’ back to see her.”

Karako grabbed Marvus’s palmhusk again, going onto Chixie’s Profile.

He pointed at the red quadrant status, which was marked as empty.

"Karako, I can't do that again. Chahut would kill me if I brought another groupie around!"

"Honk!"

"I know she's not a groupie but still it's not gonna end well either way." Marvus slightly raised his voice, causing Karako to tear up a bit.

The little clown began to cry and fuss, Marvus sighed and brought him in for a hug.

“I’m sorry little man, it’s just I can’t be out here catching red feelings for a girl I don’t even know,” He pulled Karako back wiping his tears, smudging his makeup a bit.

“Besides, if I went chasing after her, you and me wouldn’t have time to hang out!” He booped the runt’s nose.

“And ya wouldn’t want that now would ya?”

Karako nodded his head “no”.

“Then let’s not focus on all that quadrant mess, okay?”

“...Honk!” Karako squeezed his arms around Marvus’s waist, pulling him in for one last hug.

"Yeah! Let's get some faygo and grubcorn. We can watch a movie. Let me just get my paint back on."

[yamaoni]

The Second Great War of Remnant has begun. Once more, Vale and Mantle are embroiled in a massive conflict, only this time, they are on the same side against Atlas.

I don't think it was a coincidence that so many people drew parallels with the last episode and WWI. We've never seen people fight that way in RWBY. Grimm don't use projectile weapons the way humans do, so the benefits of the trench are diminished; especially if you compare it to the drawbacks.

Now, I understand not everyone in the Atlas military has their aura unlocked and the squishy soldiers need some cover, but if The Long Memory didn't nuke every grimm on Atlas, the lines would have been overrun and then there would have been nowhere for them to retreat to.

You think the very real hand to hand struggles in the trenches of WWI were bad, imagine being trapped in a narrow trench with a bear. Or having this thing explode out of the ground under you.

I refuse to believe no-one in Atlas ever thought, "if we put the dirt from the trench in a box, no only can we give our soldiers cover, we can also give them an elevated position to fire from."

The top of a wall has been the primary defensive position for the people of Remnant for a long time. You can see them in the establishing shots of most settled places the team has visited. So why are we seeing a trench now?

Simple.

Show, don't tell.

RWBY has done a pretty great job, especially in the last few seasons, of showing the audience what it is trying to convey without explicitly telling them. They especially like drawing from well known folk lore to give insight into the future of the show.

Only difference here, instead of drawing the parallel between characters, they're drawing parallels between worlds.

Remnant's first Great War started with Mantle suppressing freedom of expression, the destruction of Art and Color. Ironwood always has little in the way of color, but in his first broadcast since everything started hitting the fan, he has none.

That broadcast also included evacuation ships being blown up by fighter-bombers, Dunkirk. It threatend to level a city if they didn't surrender, Battle of Brittan. All delivered by a dictator trying to scare his opponents into submission through careful use of film.

Theories

If the rest of the season is WWII, I have several theories on plot direction. Considering how well they did keeping up with both ends of the battlefield it wouldn't surprise me if they followed all of them at the same time.

Operation Dunkirk

Or, the evacuation of Mantle.

Players: Penny, Nora, Ren, Happy Huntresses

The Happy Huntresses involvement is a given. Not only has saving Mantle been their goal the whole time, they're also stuck in the middle of it right now.

Penny is the Protector of Mantle. It would be a shining moment for her character to fully throw off the virus Watts implanted and overcome Ironwood's threats to do so. Just crossing my fingers that it doesn't end like the Iron Giant.

Nora is currently Penny's tether to sanity, so she has to go with, and I doubt they would separate Ren from her for the next arc so he's going too.

Surprise twist for this plot I'm betting will be the Starwars "they aren't warships, just people" scene everyone loves to rag on. After all, the broadcast went out that they needed help and, at least at Dunkirk, it was fishing boats and pleasure crafts that retrieved the 338,000 surrounded on all sides.

Why We Fight

Or, countering Ironwoods propaganda.

Players: Robyn and Qrow

For one, these two are unaccounted for and in the heart of Atlas' military machine. If anyone has means to do so, it's them.

The film, Why We Fight, also countered the dramatic cinematography of Goebbels propaganda by painting it as ridiculous and making a folksy call to action much like Robyn has done in the past.

Operation Fortitude

Or, the deception of Ironwood.

Players: Emerald, Jaune, Oscar

This is the mission to make Ironwood think the team is going after the relic. This theory is why I actually thought of and wrote out this whole thing. Thanks @maxiemumdamage, I had things I was supposed to do tonight.

https://maxiemumdamage.tumblr.com/post/644291955872890880/willing-to-bet-my-own-soul-that-emerald-uses-her

Only difference in my theory and their's, is Jaune is going to be playing the part of Penny.

I say this for two reasons. One, Joan of Arc pretended to be a man. While we've gotten both Jaune pretending to be something he's not and him in a dress, this would pose the first time in the story he could do both. Two, it would put him on a direct collision path with Cinder. It needs to happen at some point to bring his arc to a conclusion, but man I hope we're not about to watch him burn.

With Ozpin active again, Oscar has to go along to direct them to the vault. He's also one of two backing the idea of Emerald joining the team and Jaune wouldn't be willing to work with her without him.

Operation Overlord

Or, busting down the doors of Atlas Acadamy.

Players: Ruby, Blake, Weiss, Yang

Where Operation Fortitude was the faint, Operation Overlord was the real deal. For those that aren't history buffs, this is D-Day.

I think this is the reason we've only seen the main team fighting together once since their split from Beacon. And even then, that fight was at most pairs of fighters and not all four of them supporting one another.

RWBY tricked us into thinking season 4 was the post-timeskip level up we come to expect from anime when really we ended up watching the training flashbacks as they happened instead.

We've seen hints of it with the various team ups and combinations, but are we really ready for how much ass kicking they are about to do?

I'm hoping for a One Piece level of badass entrance that can give me shivers whenever I go to watch it again like the walk to Arlong Park still does to this day.

(Aside: if you try telling me RWBY isn't anime, I'm just going to ignore you. Anime is an art movement. If you don't understand what that means, watch this video. https://youtu.be/uFtfDK39ZhI)

Now last and certainly not least

Operation Valkyrie

Or, the death of Ironwood.

Players: Winter and Marrow

The long awaited defection. Plenty of speculation has already floated around about if and when these two where going to cave to their morals and jump ship. I don't know how many of us were expecting the straw to break the camel's back to be a nuke held over Mantle, but I certainly wasn't.

What worries me, is Operation Valkyrie failed and all its conspirators were executed. As if there weren't enough death flags for Winter before.

Even if it's not Winter that kills him. I don't see Ironwood surviving this season. Even if it means he goes out like another hated dictator. It's not like it would be the first time RT had a fallen hero chose to use his own sword.

Wildcards

Or, Murphy will have his due.

Players: Cinder, Watts, Neo, Tyrian, Mercury, Clover

These players can go any which way. Three we know for sure are going to be active in the coming episodes and I wouldn't be surprised if the other three play a part as well.

Oscar made a hell of a light show for Tyrian and Mercury to see behind them. Not to mention, Salem will still need a ride home when she pulls herself back together.

Clover keeps getting mentioned even though he's hospitalized. If he was truly out of commission for the rest of the season, they would have made us think he's dead before bringing him back like they did with Penny.

Up to now, what we've seen is a three way conflict. But one of the hallmarks of Remnant's First Great War, was making temporary alliances to fight off grimm.

The grimm might be gone, but the wild cards can't complete their own objectives if they are dead. The question is who's goals better align with their own.

Two surprise twists I can see here. One, Mercury stabbing Tyrian on his way to defection. He was raised by an assassin and has not going to get a better chance than that. Two, Clover joining Operation Valkyrie. He might have accepted that sacrifice is a necessary evil to ensure Atlas' survival, but might go Schindler's List on us and find horror in what Ironwood plans to do.

TLDR

I spent way too long writing this out. All the WWI imagery means we're getting a WWII movie with RWBY characters. Major death flags for Penny, Jaune, and Winter.

Also I finally figured out how to do a readmore. Apparently it's just been a long time since I updated.

Note: kept seeing things talking about clovers death and I kind of went ???? Isn't he barely alive in medical? Went back and watched that scene and though I am 90% sure he is dead still kind of weird that they have him in his own room instead of a morgue and the initial framing made my mind instantly think he was propped up on a hospital bed. I mean, I guess we needed to have all the ACEOPs there for their reaction to Ironwood... but it definitely made me think he was alive. That and they have a bandage on his chest wound... when he's supposedly dead. Also have a phantom memory of Harriet saying something about him being in critical but I think that's my memory playing tricks on me.

Having his face exposed instead of covered by the sheet and seeing him in the same frame as Winter being treated also didn't help my gut reaction of "Oh Shit! He's alive? How?!" If I'd followed up more on the "how" might not have made the blunder of writing his return as the final twist in my theory. Oops

[saiilorstars]

Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 32: One More Time

Previous chapters // Montserrat's masterlist

Fandom: SVU // Pairing:  Rafael Barba x OFC

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother​ @anotherunreadblog​ @maaaaarveeeeel​​ @stareyedplanet​ @perfectlystiles​ @averyhotchner​ [If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: Montserrat and Rafael are losing their minds away from each other over the course of one month...

1 Month Later.

"Oh, he's adorable," Montserrat gushed at the baby boy in her arms. The baby, in return, gurgled as if he was trying to agree out loud with her. Montserrat shifted on her chair to switch the baby to her other leg. "Olivia, I can't believe you actually adopted him," she told the sergeant sitting across the desk.

"Not adopted," Olivia corrected as she watched Noah fiddle with his hands. "His name's Noah and for the time being, he's going to live with me." She had explained the situation since Montserrat had been out of SVU for a good while now. She only came back and forth every once in a while and this time, she came to the surprise that Olivia had become a foster mother to the very child she saved almost a year ago.

"He's really cute," Montserrat loved Noah's rosy cheeks. "Definitely livens up the place, huh?"

"Yeah," Olivia chuckled and reached over her desk to toggle with one of Noah's hands. The baby gurgled with a toothless grin.

"So then...Ellie's...dead?" Montserrat lowered her voice as if the child in her arms would understand that his biological mother was dead.

"Yeah," sighed Olivia. "We had her in a safe house but...she left in the night and…we couldn't save her then."

Montserrat hadn't seen the pictures - not that she wanted to - but she assumed they were thoroughly graphic since Ellie had been burned to death along with other terrible things they'd done to her. "Do you have any ideas who might've done it?"

"Well, we assume it was someone from the high up but, for now, Little Tino is taking the fault."

"If he's taking the fault then it means he's scared of whoever actually did it." Montserrat stood up with Noah and gently handed him back to Olivia. "And, speaking out of experience, the person who did it might be the one in charge of the whole operation Ellie was part of." Olivia had no doubt it as well. "I should get going. I'm meeting with Damian and Calhoun again."

"How's your brother doing?" Olivia asked as the two slowly went for the office door.

"Well, he's better in that he's not in jail but...he's on trial now and things aren't as well as we hoped." Montserrat shrugged. "Things aren't adding up, Liv. Damian and Gael swear they did the final evaluations and the thing is...that footage is missing. Like, it's not where it should be."

"What - the company misplaced it?"

"No, the company is actually helping us look for the footage. Not having it makes them look just as bad as Gael."

"Well, I really hope you find what you need," Olivia said. "We really miss you over here. Plus, we're understaffed since Nick's doing cop work in Queens."

"Yeah," Montserrat's smile was a bit tight but Olivia didn't seem to notice. She was genuinely sorry Nick had to go back to being a regular cop for Queens, but at least with that he would eventually be able to come back to SVU as a detective. It would just take a bit of time. He'd gone for a month now without any problems, so...he was doing good.

"Honestly, I can come back if you really need me," Montserrat told Olivia wholeheartedly. She wouldn't want Olivia to go crazy trying to cover all their cases with only 3 detectives. "I'd just like to ask time to go Gael's trials."

"Thanks Montse," Olivia could breathe a bit in relief. She wouldn't call the detective in unless they truly had to, but it was nice to know Montserrat was up for the early return.

After leaving Olivia's office, Montserrat went for her things she left on her desk.

"So, any word on when you'll be back?" Fin asked from his seat. "Not that we're complaining but Carisi's a bit too much to handle."

"Ha, ha," Sonny rolled his eyes.

"Oh c'mon, he's not that bad," Montserrat swung her bag's strap over her shoulder. "Just give him some candy and he'll be good."

"One of these days, your jokes will stop being funny," Sonny frowned.

"But it's not today," Amanda chuckled.

Montserrat smiled at her squad. She missed them terribly. "I gotta go meet with Damian and Calhoun so I'll see you guys around," she wiggled her fingers and turned to leave.

"Hey Montse," Sonny called and easily caught up with her in the hallway. "Listen, I know things might be a little awkward, but…"

Montserrat turned so that she was in front of him, making him bump into her. "Awkward?" she repeated and tilted her head. "Why would things be awkward?"

"You know what I mean," Sonny gave her a meaningful look until she shifted on her feet. "I was there, remember?"

"Sadly," she flatly said. "But you know what? Over it. Done. It's been a month and I'm over it."

"I know you're mad-"

"Oh no, no," she shook her head. "I'm not mad."

"Really?" Sonny knew that tight, sour smile meant Rafael was still in her bad graces.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "Even though he lied and chose to be with some woman who manipulated him, he has all the freedom to do it. I-" she gestured at herself, "-am simply removing myself from the situation because I'm pretty sure if I had him in front of me I might murder him - wait…" she pretended to think about it for a second before saying, "No, I'm sure I would murder him."

Sonny sighed. "Montserrat, if you would just listen to what Rafael has to say then you would see that it's not what it looks like."

Because it wasn't like Rafael hadn't already tried. He'd struggled to get Montserrat to listen to him for just a minute, even more to just stand still but...Montserrat was adamant that the choice had been made. He made it so it was only fair that she make hers...even though her choice was being made out of spite, something Rafael had mistakenly pointed out which brought out a whole new type of argument. (Sonny may or may not have sat Rafael down afterwards to go over everything he'd done wrong).

"Sorry," Montserrat waved Sonny off, "I have better things to do."

"Montserrat-" Sonny called as the woman backtracked towards the elevator.

"Seriously," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "And feel free to mention that murder part. I may be over it, but I hold a wicked grudge. I've been lenient this past month but I'm done now."

"Montse-"

"Maybe this is another reason why we shouldn't be together - I might kill him on the first date," Montserrat shrugged ever-so-casually with her wide, innocent smile.

Oh yeah, she was still furious. It was the quiet type of furious which, generally, turned out to be worse than the loud, screaming fury.

~ 0 ~

"See, this is the only video we have," Damian played the security feed of the final evaluation he and Gael did before the building collapsed.

Montserrat, Gael and Calhoun leaned forwards on the table to see the computer screen.

"But that's not it," Gael pointed with a deep scowl on his face. "That's the very last one - the one after I had checked for everything. It makes me look like I barely did my job."

"Okay, so we have to find that other security feed," Calhoun said. "And in the meantime, I'll be taking that video-" she pointed at the screen, "-as part of the evidence."

"But it's got me showing that I did nothing!" Gael exclaimed. "Why would you want to show people that?"

"Because the label is wrong," Calhoun said sharply. "And that means someone intentionally labeled it wrong."

"So it's part of the bigger evidence," Montserrat said for her brother's sake. "Proves that they were switched intentionally."

"Okay, then we gotta go back to work and find that other video," Gael rose from his seat but both Montserrat and Calhoun brought him back down.

"You cannot go back there until the investigation is over," Calhoun practically snapped so Montserrat went ahead and explained.

"If you go back, the D.A will make it look like you were going to plant something to prove your innocent. It's better if you stay far away from there until we figure things out."

"But what am I supposed to do!?"

"Be with your daughters?" Montserrat very wisely reminded him. "They really need you, especially Juliana."

Gael sighed. He learned of his teenage daughter's 3 day suspension when he first got out on bail and was overly upset with her, though he did understand her behavior sprang from his situation. Now as his trial had begun, he really strove to make sure both his daughters weren't in the fires of the media. "I suppose they do."

"Let us take care of it," Damian said. "I can go back and look for that video."

"If you do, be sure to have another employee with you so they don't claim you planted it," Calhoun warned then pointed a finger at Montserrat. "You're banned from that building as well."

"I know," the ginger woman rolled her eyes. "I'm not new at this, you remember right?"

Calhoun's smile was the definition of a frenemy. "Just do your job detective and I will do mine."

"This is my job right now," Montserrat reminded the woman as the latter prepared to leave the apartment. "So keep me updated at all times."

"I know," Calhoun playfully rolled her eyes. It was truly novelty being on the same side. "See you in court tomorrow."

When she was gone, Gael readied to leave as well. "I'm picking up Ivana and then Juliana early. Maybe we can have lunch or something."

"Honestly, that's the best thing you can do right now," Damian told him. "Just be with your girls. Montserrat and I have this."

"He means I got this since, reminder, being a detective is my job," Montserrat folded her arms over her chest. "It's literally what I do to eat."

"Still, I don't want you guys overexerting yourself on my case," Gael looked between his sister and best friend. "So please get some sleep and just take care of yourselves."

"We're fine Gael," Montserrat smiled at him.

"No you're not," he said too fast for her liking. "You've got something going on and you won't say anything. And don't try denying it."

Montserrat rolled her eyes. She would not be discussing any of these problems with anyone. She hadn't even told Kara about it - though Kara had assumed who Montserrat's problem was before actually hearing the story from Sonny later on - and Montserrat planned to bury that awful moment. Was it healthy? Probably not. Did she care? Nope.

~0~

Damian and Montserrat had stayed in the latter's place going through more of the files Damian took from his job. Being as thorough as possible meant neither noticed the time pass by until Kara and Sonny walked into the apartment.

"You guys are still working?" Kara wasn't surprised at all. For the past week this had been the way she'd find her best friend, not to mention her apartment kept looking like a storage room than an actual apartment.

"Well, my brother's still being accused of murder so…" Montserrat's sarcasm made Kara roll her eyes. "And he's on trial."

"Did you guys find anything useful?" Sonny asked. He hoped the afternoon had been used only for work purposes and nothing else.

"I mean, I guess so?" Damian looked over to Montserrat for confirmation. "I found some papers that Montserrat thinks Calhoun can use."

"It's just the previous signed evaluations indicating Gael did previous evaluations for each stage of construction before the final one," Montserrat explained.

"That's great," Sonny smiled for her. "It's definitely helpful in the case."

"Is it?" Kara smiled almost like him.

"Yeah," the detective nodded his head. "It establishes that Gael did the required evaluations before the building was finished."

"Yeah, except we still don't have that security feed of the final evaluation," Montserrat sighed. She leaned back on her chair and folded her arms. "If we had that, we would end all of this once and for all."

Damian put down his side of papers and moved to Montserrat's side. His hand went on her shoulder as he bent down beside her chair. "Hey, first thing tomorrow I'm gonna go back to work and I'm not gonna leave until I find that video."

Montserrat met his look with a soft smile. She would love nothing more than to finally put an end to this nightmare. "I really wish I could go there too."

"You heard Calhoun. It's best if you don't. I've got an idea, why don't we grab some dinner?"

Sonny scowled. Wow, the guy didn't miss a chance did he?

"Or we could order in?" suggested Kara who walked up to Montserrat's other side.

Sonny then smiled. That's why I love her.

"Thanks guys, but I think I'll just head to bed." Montserrat pushed herself up to her feet and offered both Mackies a polite smile. She loved that they tried so hard to cheer her up, but she just wasn't in the mood. Lately, she wasn't in the mood for anything.

"Are you sure?" Kara asked. She shared the same disappointment as her brother.

"Yeah, I'm tired." Montserrat shrugged again. "I'll see you tomorrow. Oh-" she stopped by the doorway and looked directly at Sonny, "-and I may come back a little earlier to SVU. My desk better be cleaned up."

"Oh that's great," Kara was relieved to hear that at least some part of normality would come back to Montserrat's life. "I really hope this can all end. It's taking a toll on Montse and I'm worried about her."

"I'm gonna go to work tomorrow and find that damn video," Damian promised as he went back to the table to clean up the mess of papers.

"Do you have any idea where it could be?" Kara asked. She started helping him put the papers together. "I mean, what guarantee do you have that it's even in there?"

"Because the video disappeared the same day the building crashed and there's been more security ever since. No one could slip out with the video much less not be noticed on camera they're trying to leave with it." Damian neatly stacked the papers on one end of the table then looked up at his sister and Sonny. "I'm gonna find that video if it's the last thing I do. For Gael. For Montserrat." Once everything was set, he bid them goodnight and left.

"If this trial doesn't end soon, I'm afraid both my best friend and my brother are going to lose their minds," Kara sighed once they were alone. She expected more commentary from Sonny, but all she got was a small nod and a distant expression. "Sonny?" she called and because her voice was sharpened, he finally looked at her. "What's the matter with you?"

Sonny shook his head, one hand lightly tapping the top of the chair Montserrat had sat in. "Nothing."

"Do not take me for an idiot, Dominick Carisi. You've been acting strange and even though I know you and Rafael have formed this newfound, closer friendship, it doesn't account for this strange behavior." Kara made a gesture at his current stance and though she walked up to him he seemed to move away. "What are you doing?"

Sonny exhaled and made a gesture towards the hallway, meaning to indicate Montserrat but all that came out of his mouth was a sigh. He didn't mean to do that, but what was he supposed to say? That he was frustrated two of his friends were equally hurting? That his girlfriend's brother was actively trying to win over Montserrat?

His face scrunched. "I should go, Kara. There's work tomorrow, after all."

Kara raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you really going to do this?"

"Do what?" he flashed her a smile but the moment he did she pointed a finger at him.

"Don't you dare use that charming smile on me. Why won't you tell me what you're up to?"

"Because I'm not really up to anything?"

Kara rolled her eyes. "Oh please, I know that's a lie. You think I don't know when Rafael tries to talk with Montserrat? She comes home with a face as red as her hair."

"Sorry, doll, but I'm not up to anything."

"Mhm," Kara pretended to fix the lapels of his jacket by pressing it down. "Listen, I'll believe what you say but...if you do happen to come up with a way my best friend can be happy again, I'll love you a thousand times more."

There was a brief smile on Sonny's face before Kara looked up at him. "I gotta go," he said softly.

"Aha," Kara smiled and leaned on her toes to kiss him. "Go on then. Do nothing. Goodnight."

Sonny had to smile as he left the apartment.

~0~

Each night when Rafael visited Forlinis, it was usually always done to grab some nice dinner that he had no intention of cooking at home. It was usually accompanied by the drinks he just generally loved. But as of late, the entire past month, he came to drown himself in alcohol. And since Forlinis had a wide variety of drinks, he had a vast option list.

"I would hate to think how bad your liver is," Sonny came to take the empty stool beside Rafael. The ADA rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. You always drink but now you're overdoing it, don't you think?"

"I think I should be allowed to drink however much I want to," Rafael raised his glass in the air, showing off the tiny bit of alcohol left. He then drowned it all in two seconds and called for a new one.

Sonny nodded and watched the bartender go get a new drink. He wasn't surprised, least not anymore. It had been a very tough month. "This solves nothing."

Rafael graciously accepted his new drink filled to the brim. "I never said it did. Look it's been a very busy day therefore I deserve to end it however I want to." He pretended to salute with his glass then drank it down.

Sonny knew that was bullshit. He let Rafael finish his glass, once again, before speaking up. "I saw her, if you're interested."

"Mhm, and I saw her yesterday and two days before that…" Rafael pretended to do some calculations of how many times he'd seen Montserrat that always ended with an argument. "Yeah, and none of those times have gone well."

"Well, you just have to keep trying."

Rafael shook his head. Each day the discouragement became more and more evident on his face. And how could he not be? Each time he attempted to talk with Montserrat she would either a) shout at him to leave her alone or b) very calmly, but equally angry, tell him everything was done. She was done.

"I think I have finally expended my attempts," Rafael said. "Montserrat despises me and with good reasons."

"Yeah, but the thing is-" Sonny tilted his head, face scrunching, "-she doesn't really hate you. Hate would imply she's over things which is a clear lie. And you should know that Olivia has asked Montserrat to be on standby in case SVU needs her back earlier."

But Rafael didn't seem so surprised. "Yeah, Liv mentioned it to me earlier in the day."

"And what did you say?"

"Nothing, was I supposed to?"

Sonny once again tilted his head at him, his expression seeming more accusatory than anything.

"What do you want me to do!?" Rafael scowled and looked away. The fact that Sonny may have heard him huff was just another novelty. "I'm not gonna further ruin Montserrat. She wants to come back? That's great. It just means I'm going to have to talk with her about something else." The matter of 'when' was just one of the problems.

"You know I could facilitate that-"

"No," Rafael pointed a finger at the detective, warning him not to even try. Montserrat didn't need to be angry with Sonny as well. Even if he was irritating sometimes, Rafael appreciated Sonny's constant help throughout this horrible month. "You're not going to do anything anymore. Just tell me...how is she doing?"

"... she's alright, in what fits. They're getting new evidence for the trial which, actually, is really good. Damian's taking it upon himself to find that missing a video - the very video that would exonerate Gael from all charges."

Despite not facing Sonny, Rafael could see from the corner of his eye that the detective was waiting for him to say something. "Well I hope he does find it, then. Someone should make her happy."

Sonny rolled his eyes. "We're not doing this - you-" he snatched Rafael's glass right out of his hand, "-are not doing this."

"Doing what!?"

"Wallow in self pity, what else? That's unbecoming of you, not to mention plain weird," Sonny put the glass down on the counter, by his side.

"It's not pity, I'm just tired," Rafael slowly corrected as he glanced at the detective. "You can understand why, right?"

"Yes, I can, but it's not really over. Not yet."

"That's all great, Carisi, but it's over for tonight at least. I'm taking a break, one that I'm sure Montserrat would deeply love." Rafael pulled out a couple bills to cover his drinks then promptly got up from his stool. "So, thanks but...why don't you just go back to Kara or something? Don't want to make her mad too."

~0~

It took a lot of courage for Montserrat to walk into the D.A's building, much more into the office of the person she wasn't quite ready to see yet (not that, that had stopped him from trying to talk to her). She drew in a deep breath before walking - striding - into Rafael's office.

"Morning, we have to talk," she said in a jumbled tone.

Rafael was stunned to see her plopping down into the chair across his desk. "Morning…"

"So Olivia's asked me to come back - officially sometime later this week - and of course I agreed," Montserrat shrugged. Her tone was fast but she couldn't quite look Rafael in the eyes. "I'll only be away to attend my brother's ongoing trial but I'm pretty much back."

"Well, that's great for you. Honestly," Rafael was slow with his words, cautious really. He never expected her to come into his office and much less willingly speak to him without shouting.

"I'm just here so that we can both get on the same page about what happened. I think it goes without saying that I don't want anyone to know. Nothing happened. We're just normal co-workers."

"I understand what you want but I have to say that I'll have some trouble with that…"

"I had trouble with your choices but I made it through," the sourness covering Montserrat's words were out of her control. But if it stung, oh well. "Think you can do the same for me."

"I can certainly try but I have to say it would be a lot easier if you would just allow me 5 minutes to explain--"

"And we're done," Montserrat got up.

Rafael frowned at her and got up as well. "No, we're not."

She matched his frown with one of her own. Equally matched, the irony.

"You realize if you would just give me those five minutes we could end all of this."

"That would mean I would have to give in and I'll be damned if I do that anytime soon."

"Mature."

Montserrat's smile was both endearing and frustrating. "Get a taste of what you'd be in for." She was attractive yet about to kill him.

"You're making yourself miserable, Montserrat," Rafael moved around the desk until he was standing in front of Montserrat.

"No, you did that all on your own," she glared.

"So then let me fix it. Let me explain and if you still hate me afterwards I'll leave you alone for good. Five minutes and if you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll stop trying. You'll have some peace."

Montserrat looked away but there was a slight look of inclination. She might give in…

But it all disappeared when Olivia herself walked into the office. She was, of course, surprised to find Montserrat already there.

"I was waiting for Casey to finish her some paperwork so we could go to the trial together," Montserrat easily supplied the excuse then discreetly threw a look at Rafael to warm him not to say anything. "Thought I'd wait here in the meantime."

"I hope it all goes well," Olivia said, nonethewiser of went went on with those two.

"I'll be back to the precinct afterwards, though," Montserrat promised. "Are there any new cases I should know about?"

"We've got a new girl, Luna, who might tie back to Ellie Porter's death," Olivia looked at Rafael and Montserrat for that piece of news. "But we're going to need some help since Nick is the only one who can help bring closer our two connections."

"Nick?" went both Montserrat and Rafael. They then gave each other looks for their unintended synchrony.

"No wait a minute, I thought Nick was stuck doing deadbeat cop stuff in Queens?" Montserrat asked.

"He's the one who arrested Luna, actually. But we want to use him to get to Luna's pimp and make him think Nick is on his side."

"It could be believable since 1PP did sentence him to a lower status," Rafael considered the opportunities this little gig would bring them in their case.

"That, uh, sounds…" Montserrat scrunched her face, "Honestly, I just sounds like I have a lot of files to read through to catch up."

Olivia sent her a smile. "It's all waiting for you when you get back."

"Goodie," Montserrat chuckled and started on her way out. She didn't bother looking back. Why should she? It wouldn't change a damn thing.

~0~

There were various trials going on in the courthouse. SVU had one going for an earlier case, at the same time Montserrat had her brother's trial.

She painstakingly sat through her brother's trial and silently listened to all the baseless accusations the prosecutor, Geraghty, threw at her brother. My God she hated that woman. 

"I hate that I can't find that video," Damian muttered after they walked out of the courtroom.

"We'll find it," Montserrat tried her best to sound as positive as possible, but that missing video was seriously screwing them up.

Calhoun had already told them - warned them - that if they didn't find the missing video, their chances of winning were half and half. Montserrat wanted the full 100%.

From the other end of the hallway, Olivia was leading the way out of their own trial. "Tell me we've got this guy."

"It's basically a done deal," Rafael told her and Sonny. "No matter what he says, he's screwed."

Olivia seemed to believe him. She nodded and motioned Sonny to follow her out.

Of course for some reason Rafael called Carisi back all of a sudden. The detective in question slowly returned after getting the ok from Olivia.

"What is it, councilor?" Sonny asked but for the first few seconds Rafael didn't answer.

He was watching something, or rather someone. He finally understood what Sonny had been trying to tell him all month. There was Montserrat with Damian, talking yet the latter seemed to be unable to keep his hands off the former.

And it made his blood boil.

The worst bit was the fact Montserrat seemed to be taking comfort in Damian's touch. She had that warm, relieved smile on her face and her glossy eyes which could only mean she was close to crying. And about what? Her brother's trial. It had to be going bad.

"Councilor?" Sonny broke through Rafael's concentration. "Did you need something?"

"Yes," Rafael answered in a low mutter. He grabbed Sonny's arm, a bit harder than he intended to. "You know that stuff I said about giving myself and Montserrat a break?"

"Yeah…" Sonny was now giving him a strange look.

"Forget about it. One more time. I'm going to do it one more time and you're going to help me."

"Really?" Sonny's eyebrows raised. He didn't think Rafael would get over it so quickly, but then he noticed what Rafael had been looking at and completely got it. "You're jealous, aren't you?"

"Shut up," Rafael ordered and pointed a finger behind them. "Now listen because you're going to bring Montserrat into the conference room. Got it?"

"Got it. How do I do that?"

Rafael's smile was promising.

~0~

"Look Sonny, I haven't actually caught up on the cases," Montserrat trailed after Sonny down the courthouse hallways. "Actually, I haven't read at all. I'm gonna need a few more days before I actually return to SVU."

"That's okay, Liv just wanted a word with you," Sonny turned the conference room's doorknob and gestured for Montserrat to go in first.

"Well I don't imagine what about considering I'm way behind," the ginger walked in and went around the table only to see Olivia wasn't anywhere inside. "Where's Liv?"

"She's back at the precinct, where else?" Rafael came striding in much like she when she'd visited him the day before.

Montserrat tilted her head, eyes squinting a bit as she thought.

"What are you doing?" Rafael asked her. He expected her to start yelling the moment she realized she'd been tricked. The fact she was quiet was scary. Yes, she actually managed to scare her sometimes. That idea was still troubling to him.

"I'm thinking…" Montserrat answered in an eerie calm voice.

"About how to talk calmly?" Sonny went with the most hopeful reason he could think of.

"Noooo," Montserrat whispered, still thinking, "I'm thinking that a premeditated murder would get me a longer sentence so I won't think about murdering you -- I'll just do it!" And she actually ran, almost charged, for the detective.

"Montserrat, stop!" Rafael moved in front of Sonny as if the woman would actually cause him harm. "This is between you and me so let's finally finish this, alright? One more time and then we're done. I swear!"

Montserrat turned her head slightly, looking him over with a natural suspicion. "Is that a promise?"

"I give you my word."

Montserrat backed away and gestured Sonny to leave. Before the detective actually left, he stopped by Rafael's side and whispered. "You know what you're doing, councilor? She's pretty pissed."

Montserrat walked towards the other end of the room, mentally preparing herself for this awful moment.

"I just need 5 minutes with her, I know it," Rafael sounded pretty convinced which led Sonny to wonder what the ADA had up his sleeve. All Rafael knew was that he almost had Montserrat yesterday if Olivia hadn't interrupted them. That was what gave him hope that it wasn't all over.

"Good luck," Sonny said with all the genuine care he had. He might actually dream tonight about Montserrat charging at him.

When she heard the door close, Montserrat finally pulled her gaze from the mahogany table. "That was a low trick and you know it."

"It was the only thing that would get you here, isn't it?" Rafael countered with the perfect argument. Montserrat folded her arms, lips pressing against each other since she knew he was right.

She absolutely hated that he was always right.

"What do you want from me?" came her quiet question. "Because, frankly, I'm a little confused. You told me to move on and I tried but now you're here trying to unravel what I've been working on so hard. I don't get it…" her voice cracked towards the end.

"That's what I've been trying to explain this past month, Montserrat, but you haven't given me the chance--"

"Don't you dare pin this on me!" she snapped. She stormed up to him with the deepest scowl that could mar her face. "I gave you ample time to speak up, but you always told me the same things. 'No, we can't.' 'It's unprofessional.' 'We need to stop'. It's only now - when I finally realized you had Yelina on the side - that you want to talk with me."

Rafael's hands shot in front of him, curling and uncurling in frustration. "For the last time - there is nothing between Yelina and I!"

Montserrat laughed in his face and turned away from him. "Sure. She's only the reason you were late to my brother's arraignment and you know, Kara pointed out to me that you didn't have to come. I should've just been grateful that you showed up. But that's not true. You made a promise and you blew me off for the woman who tried manipulating you."

"I didn't know she was going to suddenly drop back into my life. And the only reason I accepted to meet with her is because I didn't want her coming into my office - which she clearly did anyways. But I swear to God, all we did was have lunch - well, we danced around with words but that was it."

Montserrat shook her head. She kept her back to him so that could buy some time and get rid of the tears in her eyes. "Why lie about it, then?"

"Because I didn't think it was important?" Rafael flinched with her humorless laugh.

"Didn't think it was important," she repeated.

"It wasn't!" He had enough and grabbed her arm to turn her around, forcing her to finally look at him. "She wasn't important and I just didn't want to bring that up when you already had so much problems. I wanted to help you find the solution, not add to your list."

"How'd that work out for you?" Montserrat looked him dead in the eyes.

Rafael could look her in her glossy eyes and openly admit it. "You're in pain and I'm the reason for it. Worst mistake of my life."

Montserrat's scoff was a low and quiet one, like she was making herself do it. She didn't exactly have anymore words to keep fighting. She was too tired to keep arguing.

"Montserrat, please," he touched her face, immediately freezing her. She watched his hand as it stroked gentle circles over her cheek and then near her jaw. She had to physically stop herself from shuddering. He let her slowly walk her backwards until her back pressed against the edge of the table. "I've messed up several times and I am so sorry. I only wanted to do what was best for you but...I may just be selfish by coming back to you." His hands ran down the sides of her body, sending tingles down her back but she wouldn't push him away. 

"I hate you," she whispered, sounding like she was out of breath. 

"I know," he whispered back. "But if you give me a chance…" he nuzzled his nose on the side of her face, letting her feel his patterned breath against her cheek, "...I would really like to make you happy. You deserve to be happy."

Montserrat let her eyes fall close. She was so weak for his touch it was honestly ridiculous. When did this happen? When she first started in SVU, she was very sure that she didn't want any of his hands on her because he was outright annoying. Now she never wanted his hands to let her go...and she really wanted him to stop toying with her and move those lips of his onto hers.

Seriously, when did all this happen?

She moved her hands to press against his chest and push him away a bit, though it didn't really seem to do much since they only had minuscule inches between them. "That night...in your office, why was Yelina coming to see you?"

"Montserrat, is that really what you want to keep discussing about?"

"I need to know. She walked in like she owned the place..."

"That's just her personality. She came in because I cut our lunch short. That was it."

"She's someone clearly important to you and I...I'm really tired, Rafael. I don't want to keep arguing, much less fighting with some other woman."

"Yeah, she was important to me...once. But that ended a very long time ago. You are important to me now," he pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes at the same time she did. "I've laid everything out for you. In conclusion, you basically own me." Montserrat couldn't help but chuckle and hearing her laughter gave Rafael new hope that things were turning out good.

"Bring in your job why don't you," Montserrat opened her eyes.

"It's bound to happen at some point," Rafael did the same and opened his eyes. "You'd find out if we, uh..." 

Montserrat's breath hitched when he purposely came closer to let his lips hover over hers. All Montserrat could smell right now was him and his cologne and that alone was enthralling. Her hands gripped the lapels of his blazer and the little bit that she tilted her head up brought them to the point that they were one move away from a kiss. "I want to kill you," she said flatly, though a small smile spread across her face in the next minute. "But I think I might just be saying that more often now." She rolled her eyes when he smirked not-so-subtly. "And wipe that smirk off your face."

"Make me," he challenged.

She'd save the snap for his smugness for another day. She kissed him like she'd been wanting to for such a long time. It was a hungry kiss that let all their initial feelings and tension out of the cages they'd worked so hard to keep shut. Rafael could finally throw that caution away and would never have to think about it again (or maybe just a tiny bit for later who knew). He wrapped his arms around Montserrat's waist and hoisted her up on the table. There was a slight laugh murmuring against his lips but his rough kiss silenced her. But with seconds passing he came to realize that Montserrat had her own tricks and ways because no matter how much he tried to be in control, she was pulling the strings. And the right ones too. She had him following her lips in whatever way she moved them. Her hand had found a way to tug his neatly-kept hair at the right moments that would inadvertently make him kiss harder each time, and once she figured it out she took good advantage of it. 

Eventually, they parted to catch their breaths but Montserrat showed her widest smirk possible. She passed her tongue over her teeth, almost inviting him to come back. She passed her hands over his chest, letting them drift under his blazer until they found his suspenders and she was able to pull him right up to him.

"You've surprised me, detective," Rafael murmured, still breathless.

Montserrat arched an eyebrow at him. "Really? Well...just in case you were thinking about going back to...that woman." He rolled his eyes at her. "I dare you to forget me after that kiss...and the ones to come."

[juminhandfs]

Hantober Day 10

Choir Practice: Favorite song that reminds you of Jumin.

I made a playlist actually 👀

I went overboard and tried to include songs fitting of every significant moment of his life in chronological order, including the bad endings and even when he crashed Seven's car... ending with the Good Ending.

If you are going to listen to this I have to warn you, it has 2 songs that touch on the bad ending 2 and can be triggering for some people: Lullaby from The Cure which is more metaphorical and Prison Sex by Tool whose lyrics are very graphic. Listen at your own risk and take care.

But here I want to talk about the first song on the playlist that sorts of encapsulates Jumin's life and what meeting MC means to him.

The song I'm talking about is Lateralus, also from Tool, which has the particularity of relying heavily on the Fibonacci sequence both in the metric of the syllables and in the meaning of the song. This is a song about grow.

If you have never heard about the Fibonacci sequence, also known as The Golden Ratio, I recommend to you to watch all these videos on YouTube talking about it because is something super interesting!

Basically The Fibonacci sequence is the mathematic that you can find in the nature, which goes like this:

0+1 =

1+1= 2

2+1= 3

3+2= 5

5+3= 8

8+5= 13 and so on...

Theses numbers when put on a graphic look like this: a spiral

A grad student made a video about the Fibonacci in Lateralus for a project and there it's infinitely better explained of what can I do here, but sadly the video was taken down, what I could find is this same video from someone who reposted it.

I want to encourage you to watch it so you can understand better how the lyrics match with Jumin's life:

Black/ 0+ 1 =

then /+1 =

white are/ 2 + 1 =

all I see/ 3 +  2 =

in my infancy/ 5 + 3 = 8

This is like a perfect description of Jumin's life growing up and raised like a businessman, with no place to emotions and creativity

Red and yellow then came to be/ 8 - 3=

reaching out to me/ 5  - 2 =

Lets me see/ 3

Red and yellow could stand for V and Rika. They showed him another way for things to be: these are the colors more vibrant in the rainbow. Trough them Jumin got to experience friendship and love. And they "came came to him, reaching out to him" he didn't went looking out for them.

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine/ 13 - 5 =

Drawn beyond the lines of reason/ 8 - 3=

Push the envelope/ 5 -2 = 

Watch it bend 3

Below, above, beyond: the lyrics are describing the dimensions of a box, that's the envelope to push made by "the lines of reason". Also note how the number of syllables were in crescendo, but now they are descending, why? What is stopping the spiral from growing? What is stopping Jumin? The answer is in the following chorus: 

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind

Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must

Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines

Then we have the repetition of the same verses and the chorus + the following verses

There is (2)

so (1)

much (1)

more and (2)

beckons me (3)

to look through to these (5)

infinite possibilities (8)

The next verse marks the moment the song changes, it stops counting syllables and with it both the song and the lyrics go in an endless crescendo...

Feed my will to feel this moment 

Urging me to cross the line

Reaching out to embrace the random

Reaching out to embrace whatever may come

A thing I haven't noticed, but I do now as I'm writing this is that the voice and the style of the singing also changes here. Up to this point was kinda robotic but here is really soft, in awe, you can feel the sincerity of the singer in his voice. If I had to parallel this moment in the song to one in Jumin's route it definitely would be when he tells you about his threads at 2 am. It's my favourite moment in the whole song, as I imagine Jumin saying those words:

I embrace my desire to

I embrace my desire to

Feel the rhythm, to feel connected

Enough to step aside and weep like a widow

To feel inspired

To fathom the power

To witness the beauty

To bathe in the fountain

To swing on the spiral

Swing on the spiral

Of our divinity 

And still be a human

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself

Between the sounds and open wide to suck it in

(He complained about the noise, remember the standing alone in an empty field? The noise is no longer noise, is "sounds" , "words have a meaning once they reach you"

I feel it move across my skin

(He didn't liked to be touched)

I'm reaching up and reaching out

(He is out of the box, or the cage?)

I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me

What ever will bewilder me

And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been

We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been

Spiral out, keep going

Translation of all of this? Why I put it at the beginning of the playlist?

Well...

Because of the heavy trauma he received in his early years, Jumin had to rely on rationality and logic to conduct his life (V called him "scientist" and Rika said she wanted for him to find the perfect balance between emotions and logic). Thus ignoring emotions but also his inner intuition, his gut feeling. (Update after the dlc: Now we know the big part his mother also played in this)

Because Jumin's trauma is in direct relation to his body, Jumin tried to distance as far as he could from it and treating it as a machine ("separating the body from the mind"). He mentions how loose clothes make him uncomfortable "because he needs a constant restraint all the time" (if corsets for men were an item you can bet Jumin would wear one)   which leads to his body speaking to him in the way of symptoms: this symptoms are the headaches, the numbness he says he feels in the dlc, the feeling of drowning, etc...

Basically, his body (wether by his emotions, gut feelings or directly through his headaches and mild-amnesia) is desperately trying to talk to him and Jumin is doing everything he can to not listen to it, because he isn't ready for it yet, because these are years and years of unspoken trauma trying to hit him  at once (this is why therapy is important! Guys!) .

So Jumin rationalizes things: he must be having headaches because he ate something bad, or the temperature in the room is below 2 grades, and V must be distant because he is still grieving, not because he is hiding something, not for what Yoosung is telling everyone. And Yoosung is also grieving, so that's why he's acting like this.

And Rika was V's fiance, so he couldn't have feelings for her

All of this changes when he meets MC: first she doesn't treat him as a robot like everybody else, but as person with feelings and with a right to feel and express those feelings, and second and (maybe) more importantly: she doesn't allow him to project his own emotions onto her (as he did with Elizabeth) thus Jumin doesn't have any other option that confront his own emotions, to recognize those feelings as his own… and this scares him to death, but he has to do it if he wants to be with her.

And this, that this battle is for her and for a future with her, is what gives him strength.

Now, onto the song again, Jumin has to listen to his body to do this, he has to decipher what is trying to tell him "Why im feeling like this?" "Why I acted this way". There's another song, also from Tool ("Forty Six & 2") that goes deeper in this process Jumin has to do "I want to know what I've been hiding in my shadow (...) Listen to my muscle memory"

It can't be only raw emotion because that's the bad ending 2 (or he stealing Seven's car), both mind and body had to work together (or to say it in the words of the song, the body can't be keep separated from the mind) for the well being of the person. And if it's in the natural design of things to tend to expansion and growth, why we'll be different? This is to live riding the spiral: self awareness.

"Swing on the spiral

Of our divinity 

And still be a human"

And the best part of all of these? Once this big rock is out the way? 

Now he can allow himself to feel everything! Both the good and the bad, his love for MC, his friendship for the RFA, and by him now being better, he can also be a better, more honest friend to those he loves. And by being more honest, he can now help them to get on their feet again just as MC helped him, and accept help from them . Without fear.

"We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been"

And that's why I love this song and Jumin Han.

.

.

.

.

Note: So this didn't came out as I wanted :/ (that's why I couldn't post it like 1 month ago), but that's kinda of the point of the song I guess? 😅 Certain things can not be explained, only experienced and when you try to dissect them (overanalyzing) they lost something very important in the process. Even the same phenomenon doesn't guarantee the same experience for different individuals... But that's the good thing in the end 😅

How boring life would be if we all experienced the world in the same way...

[fywannaone]

Hi! I'm an Australian fan and I got tickets to KCON Australia. I wanted to ask what is the best way to learn about each member or a series I can watch? (I have produce 101 s2 on my watchlist) Or a guide/blog that you recommend? I really love this blog, thank you for the awesome updates! Love from Australia 🇦🇺

hey there!! thanks for the support :) this is a long post packed with lots of wanna one show recommendations & TONS of little facts (equipped with videos) about wanna one themselves to help new wannables! so i put everything below the “read more” line. i went really crazy with this post but have fun at kcon australia!

the ultimate wanna one starter pack

here’s some things we highly recommend watching:

energetic music video

burn it up music video

pick me (produce 101)

produce 101 season 2

the first 10 episodes are subbed on 101SUBS, and the 11th (final) is coming soon!

fun watches: eye contact videos, meringue time videos and self-introduction videos, hidden box videos

wanna one go (incomplete!)

ep 1 (subbed)

ep 2 (subbed)

weekly idol

1 (subbed)

2 (no subs for this one yet since it just came out!)

wanna one’s vlive!!

this is the perfect place to see wanna one act casual! (and live, at that)

all videos have subs 1-2 days after their release

snl9

you don’t learn much about the members personalities from this as they’re all acting..but it’s a good laugh! there are plenty of inside jokes

don’t know if there are full subs yet..but there are definitely subbed cuts!! (daniel & minhyun cut, 3 minute boyfriend cuts, jisung/jaehwan/guanlin/sungwoon cut, woojin & daehwi cut - can’t find this one subbed, sorry!)

happy together 3

1 (subbed)

2 (jisung, minhyun, seongwoo, daniel & jihoon only) (no subs yet!) 

fun watches:

real night of entertainment (minhyun, daniel & jihoon only) (subbed)

the return of superman (jisung, seongwoo, daniel & jihoon only)

1 (subbed)

2 (no subs yet)

idol fever (a drama starring surprise u, fantagio’s newest idol actor group, that seongwoo had a cameo in! seongwoo is from fantagio so that explains why)

all subbed on ‘idol fever’ vlive channel 

yoojung & doyeon of i.o.i and weki meki, moonbin of astro, seo kangjoon of 5urprise appear in this drama too!

let’s eat dinner together (daniel & jihoon only) (not subs yet)

essentially a show where the two mcs, kang hodong & lee kyungkyu, and any of their guests go around on a mission to have dinner with a family

mnet present

this was a video released just before wanna one debuted with ‘energetic’! not sure if there are subs for this yet

things that happen here: members imitate each other, minhyun/seongwoo/woojin/jihoon talk in dialect with each other

energetic music video BTS

recording BTS

just roam our /tagged/v: bts, /tagged/v: sub and /tagged/v: other tags

things that haven’t come out yet, but to look forward to

it’s dangerous outside the blankets (daniel only)

it’s a new show, so we don’t know much about it. but apparently it’s just a variety show about celebrities that enjoy spending time inside! xiumin of exo, junhyung of highlight (previously known as beast), lee sangwoo & park jaejung appear alongside.

the first episode will air at 11:15 PM KST on august 27th

meet&greet

it’s a show made for idols to interact with their favourite idol groups!

it will go live at 5 PM KST on august 28th! we’ll provide links to the episode closer to its release.

immortal songs

this one is a singing show, but it often has an in-between interview-like show

wanna one’s episode is set to air at 6:05 PM KST on august 27th

about the wanna one members (make sure to visit our about page!)

kang daniel

ranked 1st in produce 101

from mmo entertainment

known to attract noonas (older women)

his name used to be ‘kang euigeon’ but he changed it because no one could pronounce it

his legendary thigh sweep

‘get ugly’ fancam

fans think he looks like apeach (hence why he is given many apeach plushies at fansigns and he has fansites based around the word ‘peach’)

daniel imitating apeach, daniel with an apeach plush, that one time in produce 101 when he looked like apeach

he (like woojin) uses busan dialect

a compilation of daniel using busan dialect

can b-boy

laughs a lot (and he said he laughs when he is embarrassed)

everyone loves kang daniel

harry pote

shares a room with seongwoo & jisung

park jihoon

ranked 2nd in produce 101

from maroo entertainment

popular since day 1 of produce 101! got known as ‘wink boy’ for winking at the end of ‘pick me’

he was previously an sm and fantagio trainee! so he listed that he is close to astro and mark of nct on his profile

people think his fashion is bad lol

NAE MAEUM SOGE, JEOJANG

he likes dancing, especially popping

is known as ‘pink sausages’ with woojin

was a child actor and (acting) cried on tv beside g-dragon once?? (+ here’s him crying to sad music on weekly idol)

kkukkukkakka

jihoon & sungwoon’s english conversation

shares a room with guanlin, woojin, minhyun & jaehwan

lee daehwi

ranked 3rd in produce 101

from brand new music

known as the center of ‘pick me’! he was voted in by the other boys from produce 101

lived in america for awhile (so he’s fluent in english - 1, on weekly idol)

formerly a jyp trainee, so he is close to somi of i.o.i!

appeared in mc gree’s ‘dangerous’

he composes! in fact, he co-produced, composed and co-wrote (woojin co-wrote too) his fellow produce 101 trainees + label mates, kim donghyun and im youngmin (mxm), title track ‘good day’! he also wrote ‘hollywood’, which was the song the brand new music trainees auditioned with at produce 101.

fans think he looks like an otter (1, 2)

MAGU MAGU

knows a lot of girl group dances (as if it’s your last by blackpink, he did a lot on weekly idol)

shares a room with jinyoung & sungwoon

kim jaehwan

ranked 4th in produce 101

independent trainee! so, he has no company (but for wanna one promotions, he signed with cj e&m)

HIS LAUGH (1, 2, 3, 4)

the boy can SING

the boy can also RAP

the boy is a VISUAL

actually, just have this video of him doing taekwondo, rapping and playing the flute

says he is 2m39

says he knows how to cook (but has never chopped onions before?) (somewhere in wanna one go ep 2)

can play the guitar! (skyfall on the guitar) (and another one) (and another one) (there are lots…)

he is the dirtiest member… (somewhere in wanna one go ep 1)

look at him chewing on this lettuce like a bunny

shares a room with jihoon, guanlin, minhyun & woojin

ong seongwoo

ranked 5th in produce 101

from fantagio music

SLATE

always funny, even during 2x dancing

his wOOOOooooOOO in ‘get ugly’

he can b-boy and do popping

was a store clothing model before (and he is embarrassed by some of the pics, 2)

he has a LOT of funny moments (1, 2, 3, 4)

can do this weird ear popping thing

the boy can ACT (and this)

shares a room with daniel & jisung

park woojin

ranked 6th in produce 101

from brand new music

says he is a seoul person, but nothing can hide his busan accent (somewhere in wanna one go ep 1)

sexy baby oh my lady

he’s got a snaggletooth

appeared in mc gree’s ‘dangerous’

his past…is something

little t.o.p, singing only one by boa, a compilation of his past

you can’t spell woojin without dancing!! (1, 2, 3 - he performed this one even when he had shingles)

not too far behind daehwi in the realm of cover dances!

is known as ‘pink sausages’ with jihoon

shares a room with minhyun, jaehwan, guanlin & jihoon

lai guanlin

ranked 7th in produce 101

from cube entertainment

LOVES WOOSEOK FROM PENTAGON (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

he’s from taiwan and can speak chinese, english & korean

this troublemaker cover with seonho (another cube trainee that participated in produce 101 with him) 

rapping

the giggliest maknae ever (just watch any wanna one video and he will probably be giggling on the side)

eating

timber cover he did when he was younger…lol

he’s got a messy locker at cube

but he’s also (in guanlin’s words) a manly man 

shares room with jihoon, jaehwan, minhyun & woojin

yoon jisung

ranked 8th in produce 101

from mmo entertainment

YOON JISUNG SSHI

leader of talkative mmo

when he got 3rd place

invented the legendary circle clap

great leader

dancing to red flavor by red velvet!

dubbed the mom of the group

jinyoung talks about how caring jisung is somewhere in wanna one go ep 1

b-boying god yoon jisung

seongwoo scaring jisung somewhere in wanna one go ep 1

his fans are called rice grains, so he is their rice pot

shares room with daniel & seongwoo

hwang minhyun

ranked 9th in produce 101

from pledis entertainment

in a group called nu’est, which debuted back in 2012

4/5 nu’est members (minhyun, baekho/dongho, ren/minki, jr/kim jonghyun) joined produce 101 in hopes of gaining popularity and fans

which they did! since produce, nu’est sans minhyun formed a subunit named ‘nu’est w’ (w for wait..meaning they’ll wait for minhyun to finish wanna one promos and join nu’est again) and the members have much more schedules

some nu’est songs: overcome, love paint, face, hello, if you (nu’est w)

fans think he looks like a desert fox

really likes singing (1, 2, 3, 4)

appeared in orange caramel ‘shanghai romance’

known for creating ‘justice league/sorry sorry team 2′ because a lot of the members from that team became popular after getting picked by him

also accurately guessed who would stay (and in what order they would rank) in never team

this all resulted in the nickname ‘ceo minhyun’

his face when yoojung and doyeon came

from busan, but can’t do a good busan accent anymore?

ACTING

cried at the produce 101 finale :’(

keeps doing the butt dance (1, 2, somewhere in weekly idol too i think?)

his relationship with seonho (1, 2, 3, 4, seonho appears in wanna one go ep 2)

co-produced, co-composed, co-wrote ‘thank you’ by nu’est

allergic to salt (gets rashes when in contact with salt or salty water, even his sweat!)

shares room with guanlin, jaehwan, jihoon & woojin

bae jinyoung

ranked 10th in produce 101

from c9 entertainment

small head

deep singing voice! (1, 2, 3)

YES GOOD

ttak ttak (1, 2)

jinyoung and daehwi’s relationship as described by seongwoo

hands on me center!!

allergic to shrimp

shares room with daehwi & sungwoon

ha sungwoon

ranked 11th in produce 101

from star crew entertainment (previously ardor & able)

in a group called hotshot, which debuted back in 2014

2/6 hotshot members (sungwoon & kid monster/taehyun) joined produce 101

similarly to nu’est, hotshot also gained popularity and have since (with the remaining members) comeback with ‘jelly’

some hotshot songs: i’m a hotshot, take a shot, midnight sun, watch out 

sungwoon’s and taehyun’s reaction when sungwoon appeared on the top 4 screen

pt 2 of sungwoon and taehyun’s chemistry

VOCALS FOR DAYS (1, 2, 3)

2nd most giggliest member after guanlin

spongebob impersonation

sungwoon’s grandpa appeared on wanna one go

jihoon and sungwoon’s english conversation

a good sungwoon compilation

nailing the never dance

shares room with jinyoung & daehwi

….i just started typing and couldn’t stop…i also recommend the produce 101 season 2 subreddit for timely updates and compilation posts of wanna one (as well as other produce 101 contestants)! they have posts on fanaccounts from fansignings, which are really fun to read.

[always-the-after-thought]

The Ruthless Life

I get real tired putting up a strong face for everyone, I'm not sure why it's all coming down on me tonight since usually I'm quiet and reserved. I work my two jobs, run my errands, still find time to make jokes with some of my mutuals and friends. But today has been especially tiring.

I've found myself in a hole lately, paying bills for stupid mistakes I've made and in a position where I can't afford to take a chance. I want to apply to a different morning job because I hate it there but I can't afford to make less than I already do, not even for a week or it can set me back a month. So I don't take chances like I should because more than once has it not worked out for me. Because of this, I don't have a lot of time to myself. Any day off I find myself with is running errands and personally I hadn't noticed for a while, the days just blended together. But lately I've felt the toll it has been taking.

Lately, I wake up and I don't have the usual dread of going to work that I get past fairly fast. But lately I'll wake up with an aching body with no gameplan to get by the day, no motivation for why I'm doing it, I don't plan anything fun for myself in between to keep my sanity. I just wake up, get through the day, and then sleep.

I used to want to draw, but then everyone around me did so and so much better than I did so I stopped, I know that shouldn't be a reason to stop but I wanted to stand out and I never felt like I did. So then I started writing short stories and my friends that knew me and read them actually enjoyed them. I know if I looked back on them now I would cringe but I remember enjoying writing them. But it took too much time I didn't have. Then I painted and I made one good painting which if I can find I'll leave at the bottom of this post but it was expensive, more so than I can afford. Now I just want to make cringey gaming reviews / skit videos because those same kind of videos are what I enjoy having on as background noise now or what I would enjoy watching in High School when I always felt like I had no friends I could talk to whenever I needed to. I know what those videos actually meant to me and I want to make the same videos so I can keep just one other person distracted long enough that they can get by and find the time to figure out a solution for whatever it is they're going through.

I'm not one to usually rant, I keep everything very close to my chest and I'm not sure what changed recently to make me bring this up. I've always felt like I'm drowning under the weight of it all but today was different. I want to find my motivation again, I want to have the time back, I want to afford the risks they bring. I'm scared if I don't do it now that I never will.

I don't know a lot of people in real life on here, I'm sure that half of them won't see this hidden past more and more updating content, some will read this and just keep it to their chest as I done before for them, and some will try and reach out to me. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, but today I just had to say something to someone. Even if it reaches no one.

[amaintainedrisk]

i'm sorry if anybody is worried about me.

I think the most disturbing thing about the century is that I’m not even scratching the surface about what has been going on around here and what my family has been doing to me but I don’t have it in me to tell everything right now. It’s going to have to wait until this headache passes.

Still don't have a phone. The abuse has gotten so much worse and I cannot get anyone to help me. My mother and my aunt have done nothing but torture me since my grandmother died and taking it out on me. I've spent the last three months locked away in my room, and I'm lucky if I eat once a day. They have turn the Internet off so I can't use my iPad to tell anybody or talk to anyone to tell them about this. The only reason I can update right now is because I waited for my mother to leave and I want and ask my neighbor for her Wi-Fi password. She was kind enough to let me use her Wi-Fi.

One of the reasons the abuse has gotten so much worse is because my grandmother completely destroyed her house and we didn't know it. We were trying to clean it up but we didn't have time and they gave us an evection notice and now we are being sued for the damages my grandmother left. They have been taking their frustration out on me. My medicine has been stolen over and over again and I can't tell my nurse because I'll get put into a group home with people who have mental illnesses and don't take their meds. there have been reports of people being attacked there and I'm blind and can't defend myself. I know I'm being abused here but it's the evil I know. At least hear there's no chance of me being sexually assaulted again like at the Cleveland clinic.

Today alone on my mother has done is scream at me and tell me I'm worthless and how much life for her would've been better if I had been born. How much she loves my aunt and my cousins more than me. How much easier it's going to be for everyone once I'm gone. I've spent all day in my room crying while they told me this and laughing. I would not let them in my room but that didn't stop them from doing it outside the door. They wanted me to hear. I have always known he hated me and considered me a burden but whenever they get stressed out they take it out on me. Now because of what my grandmother did to her house, we might get sued and obviously we don't have the money. So it's been taken out on me and for two months straight it's just been me at the age of 32 years old being locked in my room all day long. Some days I don't even go down to eat. It has gotten so much worse since my grandmother died and that's why I haven't said anything because I'm so tired of giving bad news and talking about how much my family hurts me.

even worse, my mother seizure condition has gotten worse so I have to listen to her tell me I'm worthless every day and then turn around and take care of her at night. So she doesn't throw up in her sleep or swallow her tongue. I'm barely getting any sleep and it's worse when I don't have my meds because they're being stolen and again, if I report them, I'll get put in a group home with people who could really, really hurt me. my mother has been screaming at me all day and I can tell she starting to have a seizure so I have another long night ahead of me of taking care of the person who told me recently that if I had a heart attack and died. She would be happy. I actually recorded a bunch of stuff my mother said to me, about how I deserve to be beaten when I was a little kid and I recorded her laughing at me when I fell and hurt myself and I uploaded it all to my vineo Account. I password-protected The videos because they are embarrassing and I didn't want anybody but my friends to hear it. The password for all of my password-protected videos is just my name: "dani" without the quotes.

to make matters worse, my health has been declining as well. As my brain sinks down into my spinal cord, I am now myself having seizures. It means I've entered the last stage of my condition. but I have to suffer through my seizures alone. No one will help me so I just collapse alone in my room and wake up whenever it's over by myself and if I say something I get called a liar and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm terrified one day soon I'm going to have a seizure and I'm not gonna wake up and I'm just going to be laying up you're dead for weeks because no one will check on me. It scares me the most for Carly because I don't want him to starve to death because nobody knows to feed or water him because I'm not allowed to do it. The doctor told me I had less than two years to live in June and I've spent the last seven months alone and dealing with this by myself and knowing the end is coming and my life has been completely wasted and I can't do anything about it now without making it worse on myself. I don't want to die in a homeless shelter or being assaulted in a group home, Which my social worker has said there have been reports of in every group home in this area.

I had to stop typing this because my mother came upstairs to pick a fight with me and told me she hates me and she loves my aunt and my cousins more and she doesn't care that they abused me. They are her family and I am not . I'm her worthless burden daughter who does nothing but disappoint her. And I'm going to have to take care of this woman all night to make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue or throw up in the middle of the night. I don't have my medicine. I won't be able to sleep and I haven't eaten today and I'm having my own seizures but I have to take care of my mother because if she doesn't have me she will die in her sleep and it will be all my fault and then that would make me no better than her. I am not my family. I may be a burden and yes, it would've been better if I wasn't born but I'm here now and I'm not going to do to them what they do to me every day. I even put up a video of my mother telling me I deserved to be beaten at the age of three years old because I left the room. It's on my vineo.

do you see why I haven't updated? Nobody should have to sit through my whining and crying about the same old thing again. About a 32-year-old woman who is being abused and letting it happen. I've been waiting six months for a new phone and now the Internet is gone so i've beensk for my neighbors Wi-Fi password and I am praying she doesn't tell my mother she gave that to me. I couldn't ask her not to say anything because that would've drawn too much attention to it and probably would've screwed me over even worse. so I have the Internet again now… Kind of. It's really spotty. But it's better than nothing.

Another reason I didn't want to update is because I know that Monsie and Christina would ask me to move in with them. and I can't with my health declining so much. I cannot ask my friends to literally be my nurses aids. Especially now that I'm having seizures and I've entered stage four. It is going to be much worse later on if I don't want to spend the last few months I have being a burden on me only two people who care about me and don't abuse me. I refuse to do that I will slowly lose my functions and I am not going to be some unholy burden that… I can't even say because it's so embarrassing. Let's just say the symptoms, near the end, we're going to make me lose control of every single one of my functions. if that wasn't the case I would leave in a second because I am getting just so fed up with life but I'm just having thoughts of ending it every day. Not because of the physical pain but because of the mental pain of being told I'm so unloved and worthless and a burden. The mental pain of knowing my life has been a waste and at the end I'm going to die unhappy and alone. Never experiencing love or life of any kind and Diane a complete failure of a human being. I have tried so hard to get away from these fucking people but I can't without hurting myself more. my grandfather is dying now too and I can't even see him. I have no family here because my mother has told every family member that I have left a bunch of lies about me so they think I'm a horrible person too. They don't know that I spend almost every night sitting by my mother's bedside making sure she doesn't die from her seizure, only to be told I'm worthless and hated all day the next day. The only reason I ran for my neighbors Wi-Fi today is because today it has been particularly hard and abusive and it's caused me to have two seizures today alone. I'm so tired of all of this and I'm just ready to die already because there's no point in staying. Last night at 6 AM after I was done with my mommy duty and watching her over her I just laid in bed and cried and raised my arms and screamed out please help me to a God I don't even believe in. yelling out to the ceiling for someone to hold me and tell me I'm not worthless I'm not a burden. To tell me I'm loved. To tell me not to be scared to die because I won't have to die alone and my life hasn't been a waste. But of course my pleas went

unheard. I am so tired of my mother choosing my aunt over me after all I have done for her and I would do anything to get away from her but I'm out of options, especially with no phone and now no Internet except for the spotty Wi-Fi.

So that's why I didn't update. I had no Internet but even if I did, what good would it have done? It's just the same thing every day. I am so alone and so broken and so scared and it's my own fault because of the age of 32 I shouldn't be allowing this to happen. I'm so ashamed of my family, and of myself. if I could find somewhere to go that would take my Medicaid and a doctor would treat me, and it wasn't a homeless shelter or group home and it wasn't where I would be a burden to my friends, I would go in a heartbeat. in a heartbeat. but I can't find a place like that. My aunt stole my great grandmothers rings when I was in the hospital and my mother knows it. It happened years ago but today she brought it up again and said she didn't want to hear me talk about her stealing it because she's sick of me picking on my aunt for little things. Stealing family keepsakes given to me by a family member that died when I was 12 that I deeply loved isn't very little but she said I was a bad person for bringing it up. My aunt isn't bad for stealing it but I'm a bad person for talking about her stealing it and it just got worse from there when she started talking about all the ways she cares more about my aunt than me even though my aunt treats her like shit as well and refuses to help her. Even though she knows I'm the one taking care of her all night long she still packs my aunt over me and all I heard about today is how I'm not part of the family and how everyone has always been sick of me.

Yeah, this whiny shameful update really needed to happen. It's just the same abusive shit that has just gotten so much worse since my grandmother died. I was hoping it would get better but I was completely wrong and completely stupid for even thinking that. Of course it got worse.

And again my mother is now outside the hall so I have to whisper. She's faking a phone call to somebody or she actually is talking to somebody and she's doing it loud enough for me to here so I can hear her telling them all these lies about things I said or did today that I never did or said just because she wants me to suffer because she stressed out and wants to take it out on me.

… It's been 35 minutes since I wrote that last line. I just had another seizure. The stress is literally killing me faster and I don't know what to do. If I tell on them I go to a place that's extremely dangerous and a blind person cannot defend themselves like that. I'd rather be yelled that van raped or beaten, the way people have been in there Group houses that are my only option. I looked up news reports and police reports and they are just not safe so I have to put up with this.

if you can see this or read this, thank you for your friendship because it's the only thing that has kept me going even though I haven't talk to you in months. You are all I think about and you were the only reason I have ever felt loved in my life. without you I would be dying never knowing what love felt like at all so at least you gave me back and for that I am so grateful and I miss you so much. thank you for being my friends. I'm about to go to bed tonight feeling alone and hated by my family. Going to cry myself to sleep wondering why my mother loves my aunt more than me to the point where she's happy that my aunt abused me. It's going to break me and give me nightmares like it does every night. But every morning I wake up and think of you and I hold on and I would give anything to be with you right now if only I would be such a burden. You can try to text my iPad. Hopefully I will get it now that I have Wi-Fi but my phone is completely a no go. I miss you guys so much and I love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry for being a bad friend and for once again doing nothing but whine and complain. I don't deserve you but I'm so glad to have you anyway. I love you.

I love you.

this is the link to my Vimeo Page:

https://vimeo.com/user79298455

although I just noticed that I don’t think the password-protected videos are listed so I have to post each link one by one down here. I’m not asking anyone to listen to all of them. Or even one of them. I just put them up here so I can document the way my mother treats me so people know I’m not making it up or lying when I say my mothers abusive. The password to each video is the same one: dani

Deserved to be beaten

https://vimeo.com/300103444

Mental and physical

https://vimeo.com/300103444

when they abuse me, it’s to protect my feelings

https://vimeo.com/297632955

worthless

https://vimeo.com/270006846

nervous breakdown

https://vimeo.com/266402098