#valid butchness for lack of better terms? like there’s just a ton of ableism and disabled butches face an uphill battle to just be
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#on the gender/sexuality(?) crisis that I have not brought up here#I want to be able to be butch. but my brain says no. someone else has to validate it and it can’t just be a you asking it has to happen#naturally which is frustrating because like. what am I supposed to do??#but also butchness- queer masculinity- is so often tied to physical ability#which I do not have a ton of and am also sorta progressively losing?#which is it’s own scary thing. like last night my knee actually fully buckled under my weight when I tried to stand up#and that’s scary! that’s never happened to me before!!#but back to the whole gender crisis- I want to be butch. I want to be able to be butch#and my friend has been wonderful and sent me a ton of things from disabled butches on Twitter and also zines on butchness and shit#but everything that talks about disabled butches talks about how the larger lesbian/butch&femme/queer community doesn’t recognize that as#valid butchness for lack of better terms? like there’s just a ton of ableism and disabled butches face an uphill battle to just be#recognized as butch. especially when it comes to the roles that butches are assumed to take on#both in a relationship but also just within the queer community#like you’ve seen the ‘no cops at pride just butches’ posts and things of that nature that circulate#butches are supposed to be strong. they’re supposed to fill the role of protector. of supporter. of fixer. of giver of help.#above all butches are supposed to give of themselves unto others#as a disabled person I cannot do that. disabled butches cannot do that.#(and this is not me saying that this mindset is good or this is the way it should be- just the way it is in the larger community)#I have the know-how to fix things. I have the skill. but extremely often I do not have the ability#and not just that- I often don’t have the ability to do basic daily tasks either. I have to ask for help#and how am I supposed to think of myself as butch when I’m constantly told it’s the butches who you ask for help from?#there’s also the added complexity of I’m Jewish. my version of queer masculinity is not just a subversion of western masculinity#but also jewish masculinity- which is often very different from western masculinity and is why so many jewish men get called effeminate!#like I’m going to end up subverting/queering a mix of both. but that’s also not going to really be recognized as butchness because of the#incredibly prevalent antisemitism in queer spaces! or if it is recognized as a subversion of masculinity it’ll only be western. not both#and I understand that I define my identity. no one else gets to. but I’m already fighting to be able to define it#without throwing butchness into the mix. and I don’t know if I have the energy to constantly fight back against all of it#I should really just read stone butch blues. I keep meaning to. it’s written by a disabled jewish butch#but I’m so tired so often and it’s just. hard to have the energy#I want to be butch. I want to be recognized as butch. but will anyone see my cane and still think butch?
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