#I want to be able to be butch. but my brain says no. someone else has to validate it and it can’t just be a you asking it has to happen

[nope-body]

.

[loriache]

Butch up that Elf: my Marcille manifesto

TBQH, this came into being because the Falin "dragoness" fanart rewired my brain completely. It's sillytimes, but we're going to make a serious argument: trying out being a little butch would Fix Her.

1. Marcille Gender Discomfort

Now, Marcille LOVES feminity. She loves playing dressup, she loves elaborate gowns, she spends her free time going to the spa - the absolute last thing I want is to deny that. However, there's also a definite vibe that this isn't just a preference. Specifically, the way that she pushes Falin towards femininity suggests that she isn't comfortable with gender nonconformity in the people around her.

If this was something she was 100% confident about ("I'm doing this for myself and nobody else!") surely what other people do wouldn't be a big deal? Of course, you can read this as a little bit of solipsism; "what works for me must work for you too! I think this is so cute and would suit you - wouldn't you agree?"

But for the sake of this argument, all I'm trying to suggest is that gender nonconformity (and probably sexual nonconformity... well, frankly, any kind of sexuality at all) is unlikely to be something that's on Marcille's "radar". She hasn't tried out other ways of presenting and decided she doesn't like them. I do think she'd be a very flamboyant butch - "ouji lolita" vibes, you know? It's a whole new set of wardrobe options she could play dress-up in, even.

After the story ends, she starts dressing like her mother in all black, which makes sense - her mother was also a court magician, so she's probably emulating her in order to project confidence and authority. But I can't say I think she should stick with this. Break away and be your own person, Marcille! Try a fancy waistcoat and frilled jacket!

2. Haircut

This is another potential hard sell, I'm sure. The people she loves doing her hair is a cute symbol of their care for her, and her hair is key to her magic - so there's plenty of reason for her to keep it long. But like... think practically. Having someone do your hair every morning, for the whole of her long life, while it gets messier over the day (because she can't remember to keep it neat)... That's got to be such a pain. My hair gets messy when I put a hoodie on. And I have short hair.

It would require her to go through a change of mind, and probably a little more growth in how secure she feels in her relationships, but - the hairdo's a symbol. The more important thing is the relationships themselves. Eventually I think there might be something liberating about cutting it off, even if she might eventually decide to grow it out again.

The lion, her trauma, took something away from her which was really important to her. The people around her are able to make that easier, and make up for it, and soften that loss, but... Mithrun isn't the person he was before, you know? He's a new person. The relationship he has with his brother is new, and I don't know if it's one that the person he was before could have had. If Falin hadn't died, they wouldn't have gone on that wonderful adventure! They wouldn't have met Senshi or saved Izutsumi and Laios and Marcille wouldn't have gotten so close. So I think it's totally congruent with the themes of the story that the burning away of this part of Marcille's self might eventually create the potential for new growth in a new direction, not clinging onto the parts that are gone.

This also isn't totally out of the norm for elven mages - both Otta and Flamela have short hair. Otta is canonically butch, and potentially Flamela reads that way to elves too, but the point is it clearly is possible to be an accomplished mage without long hair.

3. Desiring (to be) a chivalrous prince

Marcille's succubus is clearly General Halleus from her favourite book series, the Daltian Clan. The fact that this is her ideal man.... it certainly plays into readings of her as Not Straight. But at least, this conveys the way her conception of sex and romance is strongly idealised, dissociated from the bodily and from physical desire.

There are many ways to interpret that, including thinking about what types of desire this fixation is obstructing because she is not comfortable with it, but I am going to focus here on what this desire does signify. She likes the trappings of courtly romance, and is clearly comfortable putting herself in the role of the princess, being taken away on a white horse by a noble (but tormented; eyepatch has "death" on it lmao) prince. (Though I think he's actually the token male lead who isn't royalty; he's a General. There's always one in Romfan, lmao. IYKYK)

A kiss on the hand - this is so chaste, I think it's clear it's more about desire to play a role in a dynamic than it is about desire in a physical sense. There is undoubtedly a big part of Marcille that wants to be a beloved and chased-after princess, but I think it isn't at all impossible that she'd also enjoy being the powerful, cool, and chivalrous "prince" to someone (a pretty girl, perhaps) who needs her protection.

This is a little silly, because it's clearly just aping the shoujo artstyle that articulates basically the same idea as her succubus, that Marcille is attached to highly abstracted and idealised romantic (and Romantic) tropes and ideas. But the imaginary "successful" Marcille from chapter 4 looks quite similar to her succubus. (Another thing I noticed is that in the fantasy she has sharp ears... like full elves have. Despite what she says, I think the cultural messaging that this trait is "attractive" and hers are inferior got to her at least a bit. 😥)

Also, the way that she treats Falin, scolding her indulgently, trying to look after her and wanting to be looked up to and respected by her... that aligns more with the "masculine" role in the trope that her succubus is referencing. "What are we going to do with you...?" I can imagine her saying this to Falin, word for word. Whereas, if anyone real started talking down to her, even affectionately, I don't think she'd like it, given the negative way she reacts when people don't respect her or her skills. Especially after canon, given the way the Winged Lion was treating her.

Her attitude to Falin is partially down to her reluctance to acknowledge Falin as an adult, who is independent and can grow beyond her and leave her behind. But I think even as they move on from that unhealthy dynamic, Marcille is still going to get pleasure from feeling capable, reliable, able to look after and protect Falin. She'd like to pull the chair out for her in a restaurant on a date, you know?

4. Conclusion

Even after the growth she goes through during the story, there are parts of Marcille's character that are very much obstructed. Romance, sexuality, and gender, feel like one of those to me. The way that her discomfort with the messy origins of food betrayed a deeper, more significant discomfort with the cycles of life and death.

Much in the same way, I'd argue that the simplified, idealistic, and safely fantastical way that she views romance, as well as her very "safe" gender presentation and tendency to push it onto others as well, suggest an underlying discomfort in her own gender and sexuality. The character growth she goes through leaves her in a place where it may be possible to safely re-evaluate her relationship with Falin, as well as her choice of clothing and hairstyle, both things that go through a change at the end of the manga. Neither, I think, reach a sustainable stopping point that we see - there will be a point when it's more servants doing her hair than friends, just out of practicality, because they're all going to be so, so busy. The black clothing to copy her mum is cute, but once she gets some more self-confidence in her own skills as a court magician, I think she'll move on from it. And... who knows what direction her relationship with Falin will develop, over the years? I'm rooting for them, anyway.

In all those cases, I think moving outside of the things she's done before, into something really different from the things that are "safe" and expected, will be the most rewarding path for her. Like in the dungeon, things that she would initially reject were actually able to sustain her and broaden her tastes. She loves dressing up, looking after people, and "princely romance". So I say: Butch Marcille! It'll be good for her!!

[weebsinstash]

OHOHOHO, I absolutely LOVE the idea of an unhinged, yandere omega. Who would ever suspect the 'soft little omega' as an actual danger? What can they do, cmon, you should be flattered~

Or even if it's someone like Miguel as an omega, despite him being Absolutely Huge and totally able to crush you like an empty soda can there's this... lingering /urge/ to protect and serve him that he takes full and absolute advantage of.

Like, say he decides he needs an assistant to help him keep track of his busy schedule and any objections you come up with straight up don't matter because He's An Omega and you Have To Help Him. Or just kind of plucks you up one day and informs you you are now on call for his upcoming heats- what're you gonna do, tell this 'clearly vulnerable and fragile' Omega you aren't interested?

You can be chatting to someone and have him come up and literally drag you off and EVERYONE dismisses it or blames you for setting off his fucking 'nesting' instincts like he's not a grown ass man capable of making his own damn decisions.

Or even him pheromone bombing you to make you all pliable and agreeable when he needs it. His Alpha is getting fussy? He just forces your face into his neck until you go all soft and dazed and fuzzy, letting him do whatever he wants because you're just absolutely punch-drunk.

Anon you are opening my mind's third eye right now, there's a post I think about from time to time and it was kinda about gender roles and like certain things being subjective and it was someone going "am I still butch if I have plushies all over my bed" and someone replied something like "dude that's butch as hell, you have all these cute tiny creatures you're being a guardian of and feel protective of"

You're just a female Alpha trying to mind your own business and one day you get a good WHIFF of those Certified Omega Miguel Pheromones and suddenly your stupid ass Hormone Brain is going "hey, hey, you know what would be very Alpha of you. If you took care of that Omega by getting pregnant and giving him a baby. Don't you want to give the Omega a cute little baby or two to take care of and give kisses to and buy little baby clothes for? Don't you want to see his big strong arms holding a lil teeny baby? He'd be SO HAPPY if you gave him a lil baby. Just one. Or a few. Provide for your Omega by taking a fat cream pie from that man. Dont you want the Omega to be happy" and from then on your coochie/instincts are like screaming out half the time you're around him

I guess it can kind of vary depending on how "all consuming" you prefer like heats and ruts and pheromones to be/have an effect on you

And like, yandere and not wanting anyone else besides you or not, I'm sure like he has plenty of fans right but he probably intimidates the fuck out of most people so, you know, he probably intimidates most Alphas too

You're helping him in his office and you can tell he's got a bad migraine from being light sensitive and suddenly you're overwhelmed with the urge to rub his back and ask if he needs anything. You're bringing the man food and drinks every so often and make sure to ask him when he's got enough sleep. One may think, "oh you're a submissive Omega serving and obeying your Alpha" nah son YOU'RE the Alpha and like yeah you are being just nice and compassionate but, you're PROVIDING for him

Fucking nesting ass Miguel. It depends on preference since with ABO sometimes you know, Things Are Different Downstairs, we all need a little girldick from time to time, but, him developing the nesting instincts not even for himself he's like preparing for YOU to be pregnant. Scurrying around making sure his home is well stocked and rationed up like he's a squirrel storing for the winter because, he doesn't want his Alpha to not be able to soothe all her cravings 🥺🥺🥺 that would make him a Bad Terrible Horrible Omega and also you need the utmost care for the baby/babies/pups/whatever word you prefer

The pheromone bombing, godddd. Even if you're still mad and upset I imagine from a biological standpoint that it would at least like, help your body stop like reacting to any negative stress, like how you can be anxious or you can be Anxious Anxious where you're literally having heart palpitations and your chest feels tighter, like, he doesn't want his Alpha to be too stressed 🥺 you want him to bake you some sopapillas or something?

Lyla all "heyyyyy call me crazy but I think judging by the way Reader is so antsy and stockin up on food lately that SOMEONE is about to have their rut ;) maybe you should pop on for a visit"

Miguel: I dunno if I should

Lyla: why, because its questionably ethical and she might sleep with you when she's not in the right state of mind?

Miguel: no because what if I can't please her in bed and she doesn't like me 🥺👉👈

This man sees you holding Mayday ONCE and suddenly he's got a mental catalogue with all the different ways your potential babies could look. Would you let him name any of them Gabriella after his daughter or Gabriel after his brother? Would they have your eyes or his? Hair color? What if you spit out an Alpha with his height? Or maybe you two would have cute Omega babies just like their mom. He's just sitting there mentally going 🥰🥰🥰 while Lyla is snapping her fingers in front of his face "Hey, Hey, Earth to Planet DILF, you've never even kissed her yet, buddy"

Your rut hits and you're isolated in your Nueva York cyberpunk apartment which or course he has the pass key for and, "oh gosh Reader are you ok-- oh no you're suddenly pushing me down and ripping my clothes off, oh noooOoooOoo I sure hope you don't get prrrrregante, I didn't bring any protection 👉👈 *wink wink*"

[goodluckclove]

Migration Patterns - Bug Oath

Our setting: a shitty motel in I think Washington? At like past midnight.

Characters:

Katy Delaney, a non-magic user, soft butch girl failure, perpetual big sister

Jeff Delaney, Katy's transmasc youngest brother, previously estranged, a fireman in Nebraska. Non-magic user.

Fern, a deaf birthright (genetic witch) and former Navy Seal.

****

The whole blood brothers thing must’ve been from one of the chapter books her brothers were so fixated on. Something borderline offensive to indigenous cultures, and yet also detailed enough for two stupid East Coast tweens to decide it was a good idea to cut their palms and press the wounds together. They waited until the first time Katy was assigned to babysit, which ended up making it a super fun night for her.

She should’ve taken them to the hospital. Or, at the very least, she should’ve told her parents. Katy didn’t do any of that. Maybe if one of them started convulsing or foaming at the mouth, sure – but for the most part they just looked smug. Katy handed them each a Bandaid and quietly shared the rest of the ice cream with her sister at the time, thanking her for having a shred of intelligence in her little blonde head.

But that was something Jeff wanted, even that early on in life? He wanted to mush cuts with his brothers in a blood oath like vikings in a historically-inaccurate choose-your-own adventure book?

Jeff rolled on his side to face Fern and idly scratched at his stomach. “A blood oath is a thing mighty warriors do to...to pledge loyalty and alliance and stuff. It’s not magic, but…” his flushed face turned wistful. “There’s – like – a cosmic, universal masculinity to it. Someone else’s blood in your veins – another life in your life, no womb required. For people to choose that – together. I always thought it was powerful.”

Katy’s blood was probably fine. At this point it was primarily vodka rather than plasma, but didn’t people say that that alcohol is a disinfectant.

No, she was only thinking this because she was drunk.

Or this was the best possible time to do a ritual like that?

No. Fuck, I’m so drunk.

Fern tapped Jeff’s arm to get his attention, then pointed at themselves. Jeff blinked, then scoffed. “Oh yeah!” He said. “You could be a blood brother. Absolutely. You don’t need to be a man to value masculine ideals. It’s – it’s like clouds. It’s just up there.”

This made no sense to Katy, yet all the sense in the world to Fern, who nodded very seriously. And after that there was no room for thinking, as Fern suddenly touched Katy’s knee and filled her head with a barrage of drunken, broken words.

We do it wedo it wedoit we doITWEdoitWEDOIT –

Katy scrambled away from the touch, startling Wilford. She stupidly swiped her hands across her face as if doing so would allow her to physically wipe the words from the inside of her brain.

“Ah,” she slurred. “Fuck. Jesus. Fucking – ah.”

“Sorry,” Fern spoke in what they previously described to Katy as a deaf accent.

“No, it’s…” Katy idly mussed her hair, groaning softly. “God, my head feels like it’s filled with moths.”

She swung her legs over the side of the bed and staggered up to her feet. Muttering to herself all the while, Katy went to her purse and pawed through the clutter inside.

Edgar always made comments about how messy her purse was. It had about a dozen different pockets and compartments, each and every one of them occupied by receipts and wrappers. If Katy cleaned out the literal garbage she’d be able to find what she needed so much easier. She wouldn’t hold up the lines at coffee shops while she rifled for her wallet or a handful of loose bills. In a time like this, she’d be able to find her –

“There it is,” she muttered.

Jeff chuckled from back at the bed. “What is it?”

When Katy went out drinking with her friends from the Den, she liked to drink her beers two at a time, using the lip of one bottle to pop open the cap of the other. It was a fun party trick in her eyes, but when Edgar went joined the group for the first time he approached her during their next shift together and shyly offered that she take their Swiss army knife.

It – It isn’t one of the really nice ones, they explained. But it has a bottle opener and a corkscrew. It even has scissors, which I think is neat.

It was a real, official Swiss army knife, not one of the cheaper knockoffs that would do the exact same thing. By the time she looked up the model and realized that he’d given her a seventy-dollar tool for free because he mistook her party trick as an act of necessity, a year or so had passed and he refused to take it back.

Katy slid open the blade – not the largest one that was reserved for cutting slices off of apples when she wanted to feel cooler, but the smaller one that she considered pointless for most situations. For this, however, it would be perfect.

She turned around and held up the knife, blade pointed up. Jeff and Fern stared at her in silent incomprehension. It took a little longer for the dots to connect through the sticky, saccharine murk of vodka and rum. Fern caught on quicker than Jeff and let out a single, satisfied laugh.

“What is it?” Jeff looked at Fern, and then at Katy, and gradually started to realize what was happening. “Oh. Oh?”

Silent in her growing pride, Katy just walked to the dingy bathroom and switched on the light.

“Oh,” she heard Jeff say. “Oh shit.”

It was a tight fit to get the three of them in the same tiny bathroom. Fern sat on the lid of the toilet, while Katy knelt awkwardly in the tub and Jeff sat on the tile floor between them. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and grinned with a hint of sleepy vacancy.

“Are we really doing this?” He whispered.

No. Yes. Oh god, my head.

“I’m not cutting my palms,” Katy said. “My palms are my moneymaker.”

“Your palms are your –?”

Fern held up their hand and enthusiastically pointed at their thumb.

“Huh?” Jeff’s eyes brightened. “Yeah! Yeah, thumbs will work.”

“Wish I had a wet wipe,” Katy murmured.

The three of them huddled together and stared down at the dull blade. The lights above them buzzed like an ancient, wise insect, and the heating vent on the floor near the door hissed softly.

Jeff held the orb in their hand and gave it a shake. “I have a little Forbidden Apple left. I could pour that over the blade because, um, it’s alcohol. For disinfectant.”

That didn’t sound right. Was that right? Katy closed her eyes tight and tried to manifest Edgar’s presence, just so she could tap into their judgment while hers was thoroughly blacked out.

In the back of her head she knew they’d be yelling at her if they were here. But what would they be saying? There was no way to tell. Which meant this was probably, maybe, potentially fine.

She made some space in the tub so Jeff could empty the rest of his cocktail over the knife. Katy twisted the blade to make sure it was fully covered, which felt good and also Incorrect. But then she looked at Fern, seeking something, and saw them nod solemnly. The way you might when listening to really good jazz. And that felt – not right, maybe. But it felt like something.

“Okay,” Katy said. “So I guess I’ll just…”

The metal of the blade was cold against her thumb. Was this a good idea?

She thought of her brother’s face, wistful and longing.

Katy thought of Leanne, so young and yet already so burdened by the world.

With a small degree of pressure the tip of the blade punctured Katy’s thumb, sending a rippling shock of pain down arm. Her mouth swelled with saliva and tears sprung to her eyes. She deepened the cut just enough, sighed, and passed the knife to Fern.

She didn’t look at Fern and Jeff while they cut their thumbs. Instead Katy just stared down at her hand as the blood seeped from her thumb and down her wrist and forearm. It was warm. Thicker than expected.

This is what Katy’s blood looked like.

“You guys ready?” Jeff spoke, his voice hush with drunk excitement.

The three exchanged glances that were simultaneously woozy and ripe with anticipation. Each of them were bleeding from the thumb, twisting lines of deep red that resembled roots seeping from their bodies. Katy’s head buzzed. She cringed a little bit, imagining what it would feel like when the three of them pressed their cuts together.

They did. It was not good. It was warm and wet, solid and yet far too giving, like accidentally touching a glob of fat in the grease trap. Usually Katy would try and stifle her disgust, but she was on the wrong end of the bell curve when it comes to alcohol consumption and had no restraint in her at the moment.

Fern made a noise of disgust. Jeff snickered quietly.

“You like this?” Katy asked him.

“No,” Jeff laughed. “No, no. This sucks.”

They fell silent, bloody thumbs mushed together. The whole point of this, from what Katy’s brothers explained to her, was that they now had each other’s blood flowing through their veins. Was that something that would happen on its own? Katy wiggled her cut thumb against Fern and Jeff’s provoking startled gasp-groans out of both of them.

“I don’t know!” Katy laughed nervously. “I don’t know what to do now.”

Jeff sucked in some air and whispered low. “We must take the Bug Oath.”

Katy opened her mouth and had to fight to get out the words. “The Bug Oath?”

“It’s from the book! Repeat after me,” Jeff cleared his throat and spoke with his voice at its most booming and masculine. “We are men.”

Fern and Katy locked eyes. They both turned to Jeff.

“It’s metaphorical,” he explained.

That was about the most reason they’d get at a time like this. So Katy repeated the words. She didn’t think Fern would join in, being that they never had a taste for speaking out loud. It surprised her, then, when she heard her guard echoing Jeff’s words a few octaves louder over her own voice.

Jeff beamed. “We carry the beetles and shield the ants from the sun.”

Katy and Fern repeated his words.

“Sister slug and brother butterfly.”

What the fuck was this book about? Katy wondered.

“They flow through us as my blood now flows through yours.”

She scanned Fern’s face for signs of equal confusion and found none.

“Forever and ever,” Jeff said. “Until bugs are all that remain. So let it be.”

He took a deep breath. Katy mimicked the action without really realizing that was what she was doing. Then they all lowered their hands, and apparently that was it.

Each of them took a turn at the sink to wash their hands. Katy spent the longest there – not even scrubbing as much as just letting the tap water run through her fingers. Thinking of Brother Butterfly and Sister Slug.

Her reflection cringed. How many blood borne diseases were there in the world? Would she know if she had one? What about if Fern or Jeff did?

She turned off the tap and headed back into the main room. Jeff had a large first aid kit pulled out from the truck, and was just finishing bandaging Fern’s thumb. He touched and turned their hand with the most care possible. Katy watched from the doorway and thought about his particular hue of masculinity. It brought to mind one of those vast fields they drove through, something that looked innocuous from the surface but was actually teeming with life. It would be a wheat field, or at least a sea of grass dry enough to burst into flames if it got hot enough.

“Sit down, Kitty,” Jeff gently commanded.

How many cuts and scrapes did Katy patch up for her baby sibling? She used to weep at the impact of any injury, and would only be placated by a unicorn bandage and a barrage of kisses on the top of the head. Jeff, on the other hand, had no problem navigating her cut and making sure it was properly tended to. It was such a stark contrast from her foggy memories that she assumed he no longer had a grasp on that part of his life.

With her cut patched up, Jeff pressed his hand against the back of Katy’s head, bent over, and kissed Katy’s forehead once, twice, three, and then fourth time. The exaggerated mwah of each smooch was achingly familiar to her. In a buzzy, drippy, buggy state, Katy found herself sniffling.

“Ah, Kitty,” Jeff cooed.

Katy wiped at her eyes. “Y-You’re a good guy, Jeff,” she managed.

Jeff grinned easily. He seemed calm, but the hand in Katy’s hair trembled slightly.

“I know,” he said.

The three of them ended up sleeping in the same bed that night.

---

songbird tag! @kuebiko-writing @cartoonghosts

@atlasthecactus @aroaceghosties

@booksntea6982 @xarrixii

@mushroommanchanterelle @inadequatecowboy

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[bigoltrashpile]

(If you are still doing this) Q1 or Q2 (which ever gets the brain brrring) with butch

I'll go with Q2, since I got another request for Q1 and both of them make the brain brrrrr pretty equally lol

Why the fuck was this skeleton staring at you?

He had been sitting at the table across from yours for the entire time you had been eating at your favorite little diner, and you were sure his eyes hadn't left you the entire time. It might be a coincidence, though. You were on a blind date after all, and you didn't want to insult them by looking at someone else the whole time. Maybe he just happened to look at you every time you glanced over?

Fat chance.

Finally, you couldn't take it anymore. "This has been really nice," you said to your date. It was a big lie, they had been talking about themself the entire time. "But I really need to get going."

Thankfully, they nodded. "Alright. Call me back sometime? We can do this again next week, maybe go bowling?"

"Sure, sure." You would say anything you needed to get away from that skeleton at this point. "I'll see you soon."

You walked through the darkened parking lot as fast as you could, desperate to get home to the perceived safety of your home. As you did, you didn't notice the bright red eyelights watching you from the shadows.

When you got home, you shut and locked all the doors and windows, unable to shake the feeling of being watched. At least you were safe now....right?

You woke up the next morning feeling a lot calmer. Of course you had been overreacting, it was probably just a monster thing, or a weird miscommunication. After all, the skeleton had been dressed in a three piece suit at a small family diner, so he was probably just weird.

As you went about your morning routine, you were surprised to find a package outside your front door. Weird. You weren't expecting anything. Maybe it was for one of your neighbors?

Curious, you checked the name on the package. Oh, it was for you! You took it inside, practically sprinting to the kitchen to find a knife or a pair of scissors to open it.

As you fumbled with the scissors, you vaguely noted in the back of your mind that there was no postage or address, just your name written in...was that comic sans? Weird. That just made you even more curious!

You finally managed to get the box open and-

Oh my god.

It was a head.

The severed head of your date.

You stumbled backwards, unable to breathe, to think, to scream, anything. There was. A head. On your kitchen table.

You were only able to react when you ran right into someone's chest. A loud scream tore from your throat, only to be cut short by a large hand covering your mouth.

A skeletal hand.

"shhhh, no need for that, doll," a rough voice purred. "s'just a lil gift~"

You managed to look up, your heart sinking when you saw who it was. It was the same skeleton from last night, the one who had been watching you. The red lights in his eyesockets bored into you, strangely heart shaped now.

"don't scream now doll, or i'll have to take...drastic measures." The skeleton's eyes darted to the box on the table. "i just wanna chat."

He finally let go, and you immediately scrambled to get away. "W-who are you? What do you want from me?"

"like i said," he shrugged, way too casual for someone who had just delivered a severed head and broken into your house. "just givin' ya a lil gift. ya deserve to be treated better than that piece of shit could treat ya."

"I'm going to tell the police," you threatened, scrambling for your phone. "I've seen your face, you won't get away with this!"

The skeleton didn't even seem bothered. "well, i guess it pays to have friends in high places. really helps ya get a-head in life. they can't do shit to me."

As he spoke, you started to shake. This guy could do anything he wanted to you, and nobody would care, or even punish him for it! "Please...don't hurt me."

"heh, looks like you'll have to come with me then, y/n." How did he know your name? "you're mine now."

"But...you don't even know me!" you argued. "What do you want from me?"

"heheheh," he laughed even harder. "i know ya, kitten. ya just don't know me." In a blink, he was on you, pinning you to the wall. "the name's butch, but from now on, just call me your husband~"

[yuukei-yikes]

aroace Mary is so galaxy brain, and you're so right she wouldn't want anyone, especially her dear friend seto, to waste their lives when she'll both never love them the same way back AND out live them. but that doesn't make her love less special, in fact, her love is eternal for all her friends

EXACTLYYYYYY AUGH.. HER LOVE IS ETERNAL FOR ALL HER FRIENDS!!! (breaks down) aroace mary 💖 she does love seto and she does love him differently than she loves anyone else but it doesn't meet seto's Intensity. it's not to say one is more valid than the other though!!! they both adore each other but mary is aware seto has a specific perspective she doesn't Have. i think seto is so pathetic(lovingly) abt how in love he's with mary he's just looking at her with his eyes shaped like hearts and she's like. Stop looking at me like that. she doesn't see him as Just a friend definitely, she's In Love in her own way but it's so wildly different from seto's way of being in love and mary doesn't see it as compatible. basically she's in love in an aromantic way and seto is in love in an alloromantic way and yeah this obviously can still work but heh. mary's whole thing you know. she feels incredibly guilty. it's not abt seto being able to deal with it, it's mary who can't deal with it!! seto can be like i'm just happy being by your side forevers :3 BUT that's particularly the problem. mary's like ok but I DON'T…WANT THAT… ofc she wants to be by everyone's side as they grow up.... and while she Can be the partner seto wants bc she does love him too and both can be happy, she will never stop feeling he deserves someone who will meet his same love intensity, cuz she knows he holds back bc of her boundaries and he's okay with it but she isn't okay with it. she decides it's not fair to him! and she would feel so guilty of taking that place in seto's short life!!! let's not forget seto's also sort of an empath like ayano. remember his whole thing abt he can tell someone's emotions and stuff just from looking at them without necessarily using stealing eyes. yeah. he totally understands what mary means and how she feels, he understands the pain and guilt it causes her. Yet SHE doesn't understand that he loves her so much he doesn't care at all and she should not hurt for him. he's like if only she knew it would be an honor to spend my life by her side even if she doesn't feel the same specific attraction. but there's no way for her to ever understand that and seto loves her so much he can let her go. sits here. rips all my hair out I THINK hehe.. hehe... i think seto should go and date so many girls <3 (in a lesbian way. butch lesbian seto forever) he should go and have a few long term relationships during his life<3 but he never stops pining for mary. mary refusing to be the love of his life doesn't change that she is. they're still qpp<3 <3 <3 <3 sorry if this is incomprehensible

[lets-all-calm-down-a-bit]

so, i don’t wanna come off as like rude or anything when i ask this, but i saw your post and it was about like the lesboys one ? i understood the rest of the points, but i just got stuck on that one. i want to educate myself, but i don’t want to get like blocked, and i can’t find anyone that i think will be able to accurately tell me like you would, again sorry if this comes off as rude, i just really want to educate myself <3

Yeah! No problem I'd be happy to explain. But first I would recommend you follow @genderkoolaid because ey are an awesome blog to check out if you're interested about queer intersextionality and/or history!

So I'll start off with the most basic, cut and dry reasons. Many people who identify as lesboys, boydykes, or he/him lesbians, have a complex relationship with gender. Some are bigender, intersex, nonbinary, or even transmasc. Denying them the right to explain their identity in the best way they can, is petty and pointless. (And both intersexist and exorsexist)

Labels within the queer community are purely there to best explain your own life experiences. It's going to be different for everyone. Historically many butch lesbians have opted for masc pronouns or gotten jiggy with their gender fuckery, and i find that awesome! Transsexuality is intertwined with butchness in a way that cant be untangled, and shouldn't be! not every butch lesbian is trans. a lot aren't. But some are! And there are a lot of records of that being a common identity in the past.

Ok now to go a bit more in depth. Time for some abstract thinking!

So gender is a social construct, right? It's an infinite spectrum that can be contradictory or overlapping, and really it's all bullshit we made up socially. That's pretty widely agreed on in queer (and scientific) spaces. However, if gender is a construct, then so is sexuality. We can't say "well these social labels are complex and infinite but THESE social labels that coincide with the other ones aren't." Its like saying "Hey this rule is dumb so we should ignore it," but when someone ignores it in a context you don't like, saying, "Hey wait no. Don't ignore the rule in THAT way. I meant only in the ways I find socially acceptable."

Alright lets get grounded again. no more galaxy brained thinking.

The most important thing to remember is that if someone else's identity doesn't make sense to you, it doesn't matter! that's how they identify. It doesn't affect you. Kindness and acceptance means being around people you don't understand sometimes. If someone isn't hurting other people, then who cares!!! we're all just animals on this earth anyway. What does it matter if they aren't hurting anyone? It's only harming the community to start fights about things like this.

Ok now I've been blabbering, and I'm not the expert on everything, so here are some links to posts better explaining some things here (some of them have links to very informative articles)! I hope this helps :]

[deathswcrn]

CHEATER'S GUIDE TO SHIPPING WITH MY MUSE

Sometimes it's fun to jump straight to the good stuff with shipping, or see whether two muses might, with the right development, have the makings of a romantic or sexual relationship. This meme outlines several factors about my muse's compatibility that makes 'will they or won't they?' easier.

S E X U A L I T Y

The brass tack basics - who my muse is into in broad strokes and how much.

Mono or Poly: Breina is happily polyamorous and willing to try all manner of arrangements, open or closed.

Sexual orientation: She is pansexual BUT seems to lean closer to a 2 on the Kinsey Scale than she'd probably self-describe.

Romantic orientation: Equally, she is panromantic, except this time it's a dead 3 on the Kinsey Scale.

Libido: She has a high libido and is open to casual sexual encounters.

Adventurousness & kink: She'll try anything once and loves variety. Ask her about the hot sauce thing sometime. She is also switchy and can be put in the mood for dominance or submission, topping or bottoming.

P H Y S I C A L F E A T U R E S

Physical features my muse finds attractive on another person.

Unisex: Breina has two archetypes she finds attractive: Butchness, or refinement.

That means she finds expressions of masculinity attractive regardless of the gender - strength, the scruff of body hair, larger frames (muscular or fat - she'll happily take both). In a dynamic, she is more likely to fall slightly more submissively to this type of person.

On the flipside, again, regardless of gender, there's something that pings her brain about someone she perceives as refined or even delicate in some way. It makes her feel protective, and it leads her to fall into a specific, rather devoted pattern with that person. She will take dominant or submissive roles with this subtype.

Unisex: Slightly older. I don't have an explaination for this one it's just a pattern.

Masculine: Beards are particularly attractive.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

Personal characteristics my muse finds attractive in another person.

Dorks: She has a soft spot for people who aren't necessarily all together, or express themselves so earnestly as to make a mockery of social convention. Trying to hide it won't help, she can see right through you, dork.

Passionate: Not about romance, but about some aspect of life. It can be smutty literature, music, magic, literally anything, but she finds someone with a deep well of passion on a subject sexy.

Enabler: She's snarky, she has fun with verbal quips, and she loves having someone who's willing to snark back at her just as intensely. Likewise, left alone, sans stressors, she'll make trouble for herself. Say yes. Help her make trouble. Stand beside her beaming over the tire-fire she leaves in her wake.

Big-hearted and steadfast: Care deeply and stand beside her through thick and thin and she's yours. That's all it honestly takes. It's sort of sad that's all it takes, but it's true.

L I F E A N D R O M A N C E

Sometimes, what you want matters just as much as whether you vibe as people. Sometimes two compatible people are heading for heartbreak because they simply want different things.

Breina is a wanderer at heart. She will settle in one spot, but rarely will she do so for long. Quite often, if she does settle, it's because she's burning out and needs a rest. She's not much of a homebody.

Setting things right. Breina intends to return to Magnus and kill him, liberating the town she was born in. She cannot stay there permenantly, but she does want to return. [ BG3 Companion Specific: She is bound by oath to depose Magnus by any means necessary, else she will become an Oathbreaker ]

D E A L B R E A K E R S

If one of these are broken, then my muse will not be able to be in a relationship with your muse.

She has four dogs: you have got to accept that she's a dog person.

Disloyalty: if you are not true to your word to other people, she will not trust you to be true to her.

tagged by: no-one, I made this thing up tagging: YOU.

[miraculouslumination]

Honestly I kind of don't like the way some people talk about tone tags on social media - like it sometimes feels like people are two steps away from returning to the "x accommodation isn't useful for ME therefore it's Morally Bad and Cringe and I'm going to make fun of anyone and everyone who uses it" such as what happened with fidget spinners and other stuff like that

And all I can say is that tone tags are literally just that. An accommodation. Specifically, a personal one

Yes, there are a lot of acronyms, and I do agree it's kind of ridiculous to expect people to remember all of them! Especially fellow ND people with bad memory or even anxiety over having to remember each one! However, literally like everything else, especially with accommodations like this, please remember

What works for you, does not always work for others

I am a highly anxious autistic ADHD person, and I often have had many high anxiety episodes because of something friends would text me and then say "it was just a joke" - when I am already in the height of anxiety, telling me later that "I was joking" hardly helps

For example, I once had a friend say "all of [my] OCs are cringe ass babies" (literally a direct quote from our DMs)

This fucking sent me down, emotionally and mentally, into the crust of the earth - and I told her that "hey, you said something really rude, and I didn't like it" as I could feel my chest growing heavy and tight and my body shaking because this HURT - a LOT

And then she says "wait - what? I'm sorry I was just joking" which she meant genuinely, but my brain still questioned it

Now, for me, personally, if it was "your OCs are a bunch of cringe ass babies /j /lh" then I would be able to decipher and read her message as a light-hearted, poke-to-the-ribs type joke. Otherwise I cannot tell what someone's tone is at all, and with a comment like that, my anxiety (coupled with the fact I've had people irl maliciously attack me for my art + character design skills) will just assume the worst

I have read countless Calm messages as Loud and Angry, and I have read Upset messages as Bored and generally just got confused by them, and it has always created problems that could be so easily solved with an accommodation such as this

I, personally, suck at reading tone. And I've seen some people say "well, you can just slap tone tags on anything, even if you don't mean it" and....yeah. That's the flaw of any language. I can say that I'm not mad at anyone in my friend group, even when I am absolutely furious with one or multiple of them. I can say "jk lol 😂" and "omg it was JUST a joke 🤣" after calling someone's mom a fat, lazy cow who belongs in a barn and subsequently making them upset, even if I was being insulting.

ANYONE can do this. Language existing means people are going to use it to lie, to make themselves and their intentions look better. Hell, everything online revolves around this constant chance of "maybe the 22 year black butch autistic lesbian I'm donating money to online is actually a 40 year old upper class white cishet allistic woman who just wants to scam a bunch of queers"

And yeah, some of the acronyms do have multiple meanings from previous generations of texting lingo. However, again, that's just LANGUAGE!! Especially in the online world!

Hell, ASL and ASL exist. One is Age, Sex, Location? - a question often asked online about another person! And the other is American Sign Language.

And even for text lingo, you'd have so many overlaps!

FTW and FTW - one meaning For the Win, and the other Fuck the World.

Just...I don't know, I think I take all these little "jokes" so personally because I am one of those people who needs this accommodation. I don't expect everyone who interacts with me to use them, and I don't think we should expect everyone to use them - ESPECIALLY some of the more specific ones.

And yes, some people are fine with substitutes, such as saying "genuinely, please stop sending me photos of bugs. I'm not angry, I just don't want to see them" or even "he is my little bastard man (affectionate)" or whatever!

Just. I don't know. I'm just asking y'all to not make tone tags into the next "lol cringe autistics and their fail accommodations" thing. Even if you don't like it or need it.

[thatgoblin]

In Which Emery Sees Discourse and Does a Deep Dive on Resident Evil 4 (SPOILERS)

So, the whole reason this is eating at my brain is because of the back and forth that I've seen over 'Is Resident Evil 4 Leon Misogynistic?'

It never really crossed my mind that it was to the point that I would change my mind about how much I liked it. In fact I never thought that about any of the main characters being particularly misogynistic. The concept sounded foreign to me because I had grown up with these games. I was 7 when the first game came out and was thrilled to see a badass like Jill as a playable character. (I had no business playing those games, but not the point.)

I was equally as thrilled to see Claire Redfield appear in RE 2 and to see Jill come back for RE 3. I never got the chance to play Code Veronica, but I did recently watch a play through of it and wish I had gotten to play it. The last RE game I was able to play was RE 4 on GameCube.

My older brother had owned the games and I wasn't able to really make saves so only when he was away could I get a chance to have a whack at the game. Which meant trying to play through it all in a weekend. RE 4 came out in 2005, I was 16 at the time and liked playing those games along with Mario and Spyro and Blood Rayne.

At that time, media was pretty weird with feminism. Since I grew up in the 90's there were always plenty of badass females for me to follow, even if they weren't as butch as I would have liked them to be. Girl Power was poked fun at a lot, not taken very seriously, but a lot of my childhood heroes always made a point to say girls are awesome and can do anything they want just like boys or even better than boys.

What does that have to do with RE 4 Leon being misogynistic though?

Well, let's take a look at the year that the game came out. It was released in January of 2005 exclusively for GameCube. It was at the end of the year that Capcom added Playstation 2 to it's playable consoles. That means it was years in the making by the time it was released, approximately 3 years of work. For simplification, it was started in January of 2002.

Any media at the time would have definitely been an influence on the creation of the story.

Still doesn't explain if Leon is a dirty misogynist or not.

I'm getting there.

The writer of the game itself was Shinji Mikami who also was the director of the original Resident Evil, helped produced Resident Evil 2, 3, and Code Veronica, was an advisor for Resident Evil Gaiden, directed the Remake of the original, was an executive producer for Resident Evil Zero, and wrote/directed Resident Evil 4.

Mikami wrote the script that would be later translated by Shinsaku Ohara into English. There of course would be changes because of cultural differences. While the Japanese version is written as a serious piece, the English version isn't. Something else that isn't in the Japanese script is the blatant anti-American-ese of basically everyone in the game not American.

For the English translation that's not surprising as The Twin Tower attacks in New York had happened very, VERY recently in time frame of this game being made, about 6 months give or take. It was a time where toxic patriotism was running rampant and all the bad guys had to be anti-American even if they were American themselves. The American media pushed this one ideal of a while, male hero hardcore. While there were still other shows/movies/books/etc. that featured POC leads and female leads, the hero was mostly a white guy.

But, does that make someone misogynistic?

Not necessarily.

Misogyny by definition is a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

There's also such a thing as passive misogyny, the 'here let me help you with that little girl' type. It's not aggressive or violent, but puts women down.

Which is in a lot of Japanese media. It's not being mean or harassing, but creating this set of rules that women/girls are fragile and need to be cared for by men. Even the most stubborn female leads need a man to help them. A lot of the shows that I enjoy have this in it.

Ouran High School Host Club is a good example of it. While Haruhi is supposed to be 'one of the guys' Tamaki constantly chastises her for not asking for help because she is a girl. The tone and the wording and the music make it out to be a sweet, caring gesture, but at the end of the day, Tamaki doesn't think Haruhi can take care of herself. He's always rushing in to rescue her even when she doesn't ask for it or even necessarily need it. The entire host club does this, but it's treated as romantic.

And guess what year it was created? 2002. Originally a manga, it was translated into English and then made into an Anime shortly after in 2006 while the manga was still being published.

That's nice and lovely information, but what about LEON?

I am finally there! I promise!

So, let's go over the events as a whole for RE 4 now that I've explained the era that it was made, the background, as well as who helped create it.

In short RE 4 is about STRATCOM agent Leon S. Kennedy, one of the few survivors of the Raccoon City outbreak, is sent on a mission to protect the president and his family. Before he starts, Ashley Graham, the president's daughter, is kidnapped. Leon sets off to find and rescue her with the help of fellow STRATCOM agent Ingrid Hunnigan as his eye in the sky and handler. His leads take him to Spain where he finds a cult called Los Iluminados who kidnapped Ashley to infect her with Lost Plagues. The plan was to send her back to the President to spread the cult leader's, Prophet Saddler, powers.

Leon runs into Ada Wong and Jack Krauser his ex-partner whom he thought was dead, but really had been infected by Wesker who wanted a sample of the parasite. Lots of running around, losing Ashley, getting Ashley back, sparring with Ada, 'flirting' with Ada, and fighting Krauser, all to end with Ada getting the parasite sample as the now healthy and parasite free duo of Leon and Ashley ride off into the sunset on a jet ski.

The lines are cheesy and fun, the game play is awesome, Leon's legs are a character of their own, an all around good game.

I actually went back to look at the lines of the characters to see what could possibly have set people off on whether or not Leon is a misogynist.

For the first hour or so of the game, it was just the story not the full game paly, I honestly didn't see a lot. There was one quip with Hunnigan about 'being lonely' because she was worried about Leon after he hadn't responded for six hours, but it was oddly placed and not even acknowledged. It also wasn't very targeted in my opinion. As in it was specifically meant to be a slight at a woman. You could have Hunnigan be a man and that line would still be awkward, but still just a sarcastic remark that's quickly dropped.

The other instance was after rescuing Ashley and she and Leon are running from the church, there's an area that has ladders that the player would climb up and down. If you knock down a ladder and put it back up as Ashley stands at the edge, she'll yell at Leon for being a perv as he puts the ladder back up. Apparently because he's looking up her skirt? Except he doesn't.

The next bit of the game, Leon is caring and concerned for Ashley. He's not making random one liners that would suggest he didn't like her or thought she was a burden or annoying. He reassures her that he'll get her home and he'll make sure she doesn't turn into one of them. After she's captured he has to find a way to get her free again, running into Ada Wong.

This is where I can see people getting an impression of Leon being less than thrilled with women. Except it's aimed at just one woman, Ada. Ada's character is very independent and very self serving. She doesn't care about people as a whole, but has a soft spot for Leon. He knows this, but it doesn't make them friends. It's written to have them be mirror images of each other. Ada on the 'bad side' and Leon on the 'good side.'

His line of 'Sorry, but follow a lady's lead just isn't my style,' isn't a jab at women. It's a jab at Ada. They didn't leave on good terms and he knows she's not there to be the hero. Leon understands Ada will always have another agenda, one that earns her money, and he doesn't think for a second that she cares more about him than that. She's someone who can't handle being in a regular relationship or have any type of constraints.

A lot of people get upset at the pairing of Ada and Leon because it's toxic, but that's the point. The end game with those two isn't happily ever after, it's the continual clashing of Leon sacrificing himself for the greater good and Ada looking out for Ada. I personally enjoy this because it's not done often, Batman/Catwoman comes to mind, but those two do eventually get together. It also makes things interesting and not in a 'will they or won't they' trope. They never will in cannon and that's okay.

In this scene in this moment, Leon isn't being prejudice or looking down on women, he's dealing with a specific woman who has hurt him and used him and left him with complicated feelings. If someone came out of the woodwork after doing something similar to you, you wouldn't exactly be pleased to see them. While he may make small jabs at her, Leon does care because that's who Leon is. He cares about people, even the ones who betray him.

Fast forward some more and Leon gets Ashley back. They have a small moment of hugging where Ashley actually starts to apologize for making this hard and running away, but Leon doesn't let her. He knows she has nothing to apologize for. She's a scared kid, 20, who was not prepared for something like this AT ALL. He's been through hell and hates that someone else has to go through it too and that someone isn't equipped to handle it in the least.

Ashley is captured again. (Pretty sure there was a damsel in distress kink happening here, but that's my opinion >.> )

More of Leon trying to save Ashley, we see Saddler order Krauser to get Ashley and deal with Leon, then Ada shows back up again with the speed boat to get to the island where Ashley is being held. As they get near it, in true Ada fashion, she takes off like Spiderman with a grappling hook while sending the boat, STILL GOING FULL SPEED WITH LEON IN IT, towards the cliffs.

Cue my gif at the top.

Leon manages to keep from dying and stops the boat in time with a sigh of relief and a tired 'Women.'

It's not really meant for his disdain of women in general, it's aimed at Ada. Ya know, cause she kinda almost killed him. It's not meant as a 'all women are the same and complicated,' type of response. In the late 90's to mid 2000's it was a pretty common thing to heave a heavy sigh and say 'men/women' after a particularly troublesome encounter with that gender. It's not meant as a generalization, but as a response to that particular person in the situation.

Ada also isn't helping too much and sending him towards jagged cliffs and break neck speeds would warrant a heavy sigh and grumble.

Once he has rescued Ashley, again, they run to escape down a garbage chute that Ashley refuses to go down.

She gives a very Valley Girl 'No way!' to which Leon gives his surfer dude 'Way.' before dragging her down the chute with him.

She screams as they go down and both land unharmed. She yells at him about being crazy because they could have gotten really hurt, he says 'I'd knew you'd be fine if you landed on your butt.'

She get's huffy at him and follows him out.

That's a pretty standard way of flirting in media at that point in time. Up class girl with down town boy trope where he makes a 'sexual joke' about her and she gets upset or pretends to. This one isn't really even that deep. Leon's making a joke and possibly doing a bit a flirting. He's gotten used to her being herself and is even trying to lighten the mood.

ONCE MORE WITH FEELING ASHLEY IS KIDNAPPED BY SADDLER!

Girl can't catch a break.

Then we go through Leon fighting Krauser the first time, Ada coming in to talk, Leon running off to fight Krauser for the 2nd time, Mike the helichoopy pilot making a brave effort before getting blown up. Saddler leaves with Ashley to another part of the island.

Ada shows up again and under the control of the parasite in him, Leon attacks her. He tries to strangle her before she stabs him in the leg and he's able to regain control of himself. He and Ada team up/split up to find Ashley to get rid of the parasites in them. Leon finds Ashley with Saddler, he goes to rescue her as Ada shows up to offer cover fire.

Leon takes Ashley to the machine they need to get rid of the parasite, they take turns in it and make a run for where they need to go to get off the island. They get to the FINAL BOSS stage where Saddler has Ada tied up. He does his big boss speech, Leon frees Ada, kills Saddler, and then just like in RE 2, Ada takes the parasite sample and leaves Leon.

She does toss him a teddy bear keychain with a jet ski key on it though as a means of escape. Leon grabs Ashley and runs for the jet ski where he tells her 'Hang on, Sweetheart!' before zipping out of the pip they're in and out into the ocean. Ashley falls off, but Leon quickly scoops her up and they're heading back home.

Ashley casually asks if Leon wants to go back to her place for some overtime and Leon chuckles and says sorry.

She asks who Ada is and he explains she's a part of himself that he can't let go and they leave it as that as they ride into the sunset.

There's an epilogue as well where Hunnigan is able to get back in touch with Leon. She's relieved that the line is jack free, he makes a comment about how she's not wearing glasses and confirms he rescued Ashley and is on his way home. She's glad to hear that then Leon says she looks cute without her glasses and asks if he can have her number when he gets back. Hunnigan gives him a sigh and reminds him he's on duty to which he replies 'story of my life.'

The epilogue was kind of odd, but also funny and cute. It's not really calling Leon a ladies man or making him look like one. Again, it's Leon trying to forget about the shit he just went through and if he could get a date or something a pretty girl why not?

Also, I'm pretty sure he said no to Ashley because 1. Presdent's daughter. 2. Her father ordered Raccoon City nuked. 3. He doesn't have that kind of chemistry with her.

So, to say if Leon is indeed a horrible misogynist is not true. He's not written like that at all. To argue so would mean you either didn't play the game, took things out of context, or didn't understand the media from that time period. Also, to argue that he's a perfect little bean isn't okay either. Leon has flaws and flawed characters make for good stories.

Going over the script, which I will link, and seeing what instances may cause that speculation or opinion, there really isn't anything to back it up. He's not even in passive misogynist territory really. He's kinda flirty, but he's never inappropriate or makes comments about women in general and each time it looks like he is, it's taken out of context. Put back into context, it makes a lot more sense and clears things up.

At the end of the day RE 4 Leon just reads like a tired guy that wants to keep people safe, do his job, and maybe get some dinner with a cutie.

I dub RE 4 Leon NOT misogynistic.

At the end of the day, things are not black and white. While Leon was not misogynistic, some characters were and were written that way on purpose, I.E. Luis, who would comment on Ashley's body a lot in the game. That extends to all media. There's shades of misogyny everywhere and while it's not the best, it's not the worst either. We've come a long way from where women weren't even allowed to be in theater to where queer female representation is starting to get more and more wider and in depth.

The Resident Evil games aren't perfect in representation, with only two or so POC characters that are a lead and the rest white as starters, it doesn't mean the whole thing is bad.

To say the whole thing is bad and unredeemable because of a few parts isn't healthy. Not everything is going to be the most inclusive, feministic, master piece, and that's okay. You don't have to make a stand and say 'I would never consume this media!' and also you don't have to force people to like it.

The whole discourse about whether or not Leon is misogynist is pretty new to me, considering the fact that the game came out in 2005. Media from the past isn't going to be the best and people need to understand that. I still watch shows where POC actors would never be featured or gay people were punch lines. I watch them because I like them and they make me nostalgic. Resident Evil makes me nostalgic as well because I grew up with it.

I'm always going to have a soft spot for this franchise and while people will make wide assumptions about it or take things out of context knowingly or unknowingly, I'm not going to let that ruin things for me. The same for if people disagree with me entirely on this. Discourse can be healthy because it makes people think, but when it gets out of hand and sides are taken in a black and white state then it gets toxic. You can agree or disagree on things, but you should also make informed decisions for yourself. Making it a big deal of picking who you agree with or don't to the point of being rude and hateful to one another doesn't make you sound like you have all the information let alone know what you're talking about.

Get the facts, look them over, take time to study them, then engage.

After all, at the end of the day, even though it is my special interest and I adore it, Resident Evil is just a game and there are much bigger things to worry about.

Take it from your local, 32 year old goblin, this isn't a hill to die on. Now go drink some water and have a snack and if it's that time for you, get some fucking sleep.

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I worry about you seeing some of your personal posts. Other anons have said it too, but you seem to truly hate so much of yourself. I am not saying this to try to be unkind or hateful, it just truly hurts to see people, especially intelligent, thoughtful ones, do this to themselves. I hope you get the happiness and love you deserve, truly. I just hope you learn to stop giving in to the self hatred and commit to the incredibly brave act of learning to forgive and love yourself first. Please treat yourself with the gentleness and kindness you would give your younger self. They're still there.

And please remember, nobody's timeline is the same. Some people find their true love in their teens, some in their late forties some in the retirement home. Some people marry young and end up miserable and some stay single most of their lives and are truly happy, even if they aren't aromantic. Things happen in their own time, you are not restricted to some imaginary social checklist.

Good luck, honestly and truly. I wish you nothing but happiness.

-love, a very late blooming lesbian who took a very long time to find herself, love herself, and find someone else to love her too 💜

I’m so sorry it took me so long to reply to this!! I kept trying to get my thoughts right on what to say but I don’t know if I’ll be able to lol. So I apologise in advance if this is just a jumbled mess that makes so sense whatsoever.

But firstly thank you for being so kind 💕💕💕 it truly warms my heart and means a lot to me 💕

Ever since I started therapy I’ve jumped around “I hate myself” to “ can I really say I hate myself?”. I get conflicted because I feel like my actions and desires don’t always align with that self hatred. I buy myself things. I can definitely argue I do it sometimes in an OCD related way, to fill the void, , impulsivity issues. or a self harm sort of way. But sometimes I just see something I want and get it for myself. I start to wonder can I really say I hate myself if I do that. Would I happily buy something for someone I hated. I don’t know. And with how much I crave love and relationships. I’m definitely on my last tether with the whole thing , and I give up hope a lot, but I still try in my own way to get it. If I hated myself would I do that. Maybe just makes me a horrible person to chase after something so vulnerable and beautiful when I dislike myself so much. Butch

But also I don’t look at myself and feel joy. Most of the time I feel a massive disconnect to be honest. Like I’m not actually me, or I never have been me, or I don’t even know what me is. Sometimes it feels like my soul is disconnected from my brain and my brain is disconnected from my body. Like there are three layers of me that aren’t tethered together properly and all just floating around. So when I say I hate myself what part am I referring to. Because they often don’t feel like the same person. It’s like everything is fuzzy but clear all at the same time. As if I’m half awake and half asleep. So when I do feel hatred what part is it for. But also how do I fix it when everything is just floating away.

That sense of wanting to be neutral at the very least is sting. But it’s hard to catch that feeling when so much is going on in my head. This probably makes so sense but I often don’t feel real while simultaneously feeling so unbearably real it hurts.

So self hatred gets mucked up in all that. I don’t know what I can call she and what I can’t. Where it starts with me and where it starts with my circumstances. Or not being able to reach this fictions ideal of life I’ve built up in my head from an early age. I don’t feel cut out for living - not necessarily always in a suicidal way, just in an this doesn’t feel real or I don’t think I’m feeling what I’m supposed to kind of way. Like a blocked up river or something. Things aren’t flowing the way they feel like they should.

And just with the way my brain I’m so enamoured with ides of love. It’s probably so unhealthy and unrealistic and I’m probably never doing to find what fantasy I’ve built up in my head - and I know it’s just exasperated by the hole and emptiness I feel in my chest. But I wholeheartedly genuinely don’t know how to stop those feelings. I don’t know how to not crave the love and relationships I do. Or to just be content with what I have and wait for love. I want to. I just don’t know how. But maybe with more therapy I’ll get there one day. Because I think having that more grounded and understanding approach to relationships will go a really long way :)

And I completely feel like I’ve lost my train of thought now lolol.

But genuinely thank you again so much for reaching out and being so kind and helpful. It warms my heart so much 💕💕💕

I hope you have a say just as beautiful as your heart!! 💕💕💕💕💕💖💖🌸

[pipipinyyy]

Explaining why I have added every song in my entire and very long Niragi playlist because I can and because over analyzing him is my passion (I usually update it from time to time but I'll do it with the current songs)

Completely self indulgent post, but I decided to share to feed my fellow Niragi stans (*˙︶˙*)☆*°

This is entirely based on my view of the songs and how I interpret them while thinking about Niragi. I'm aware that most of them have entirely different meanings, this is just for fun :) (Also sorry if my explanations don't make much sense, English is not my first language and I might make mistakes when trying to put my feelings and thoughts into words)

This may contain manga/s2 spoilers

Hayloft-Mother Mother: Vibes

Criminal-Britney Spears: The whole song describes him ("he is a sucker with a gun") and the fandom's obsession ("mama I'm in love with a criminal")

Daddy Issues-The Neighborhood: I feel like he would act like this, using the most vulnerable spots to pick on someone ("cry little girl, nobody does it like you do")

Psycho-Jin Dogg, OVER KILL: Vibes

Riot-Hollywood Undead: He'd definitely start a riot like he did in the 10 of hearts, burning and destroying anything that crosses his path

Bitches-Mindless Self Indulgence: He most likely thinks he's a total fuckboy and popular with girls since he can get almost anything he wants out of scarying people

Baby's on Fire-Die Antwoord: Vibes

Insane in the Brain-Cypress Hill: This man is being consumed by his own way of protecting himself

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing-Set It Off: Based on how he feels towards the people who hurt him in the past ("Listen, mark my words, one day, you will pay" "You've always been a huge piece of shit, if I could kill you, I would" "Karma is gonna come collect your debt")

Death no more-IC3PEAK: Vibes

Gasoline-I Prevail: Sort of similar to Riot, ("So burn it all down, burn it all down, I don't give a fuck")

Toxic-Britney Spears: The whole fandom knows how much of a piece of shit this dude can be, but we still find ourselves liking/enjoying his character (to an extent), a toxic addiction

Nice Guy-GRLwood: As much as I love this man, he'd use the "I'm a nice guy c'mon" card just to fuck. If he wants to, he'll get it, if he doesn't, he'll most likely get mad

Dernière danse-Indila: Vibes

TRRST-IC3PEAK: Mostly vibes, I kinda see this song as how he felt the first time he killed someone on purpose inside the borderlands ("mama they say I'm a terrorist, I did nothing wrong but I got on the blacklist")

Saint Bernard-Lincoln: Vibes

Nowhere To Run-Stegosaurus Rex: Being with him at the Beach would either be ignoring each other completely or a game of tag, no inbetween. If this man wants to kill you, he'll get his fun time out of it as well ("You're gonna die, I'm gonna kill you")

The House of Wolves-Bring Me The Horizon: Based on how he sees life after being consumed by his current mental state ("Show me a sign, show me a reason to give a solitary fuck about your god damn beliefs" "What you call faith, I call a sorry excuse")

Smells Blood-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

SIU-Maretu: Similar to Daddy Issues, don't expect this man to be a therapist. If he sees anyone crying or panicking in or outside a game, he'd most likely tell them to suck it up, just like this song.

Judgement-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

MONSTER ENERGY GUN!-KevinKempt: Vibes + He for sure has an energy drink addiction, specially pre-borderlands

HURT-1 800 PAIN: Vibes

Fear Is The Mind Killer-Zheani: Vibes

I Bet on Losing Dogs: Based on how I know Niragi is toxic, and most likely unsaveable of his deteriorating mental state, but I still have him as my biggest comfort character ("I bet on losing dogs, I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place")

Emo Boy-Ayesha Erotica: He's been in an emo phase (and maybe still is), the lyrics are pretty self explanatory, they describe us Niragi simps perfecrly ("come on fuck me emo boy")

Crybaby-Destroy Boys: Vibes

The Fox's Wedding-MASA Works DESIGEN: Vibes

You're a useless child-Kikuo: We don't know much about his past, but judging by the unstoppable bullying he's suffered, his parents didn't care about him, or were straight up absent. He's been insulted by pretty much everyone in his past to the point of believing it and telling those things to himself ("You're a useless child, the most useless child in this world" "Drool in snot, dandruff, shit and piss" "I'm a useless child" "Nobody will save me" "I'm a lonely kid")

Take A Slice-Glass Animals: Vibes

Fighting With The Melody-Jimmy Urine: Vibes

Comics-Caravan Palace: Vibes

Rhinestone Eyes-Gorillaz: Vibes

Butch 4 Butch-Rio Romero: Mostly vibes, sort of how I think the most "peacefull" moments in a relationship with him would feel like, kind of bittersweet feeling

Suki Suki Daisuki-Jun Togawa: Yandere Niragi. If he's interested in someone, he'd go through an obsessive phase, most likely forcing the other person to "love" him. This man is so confused about the feeling of love that he's unable to tell when he loves someone or when he's obsessed with them due to his lack of attention ("Like you, like you, I love you. Say you love me or I'll kill you")

:(-The Garden: Vibes

Kitty City-Cyriak Harris: Vibes

Blood-My Chemical Romance: If Niragi went to a therapist, he'd act like this song, with his signature cocky and sarcastic personality (at least before he gets better) ("I can't control myself because I don't know how" "They can fix me proper with a bit of luck" "I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love")

A Mask of My Own Face-Lemon Demon: He feels like he needs to protect himself or else he will get hurt inside the borderlands by others again. He uses another personality, a completely ruthless one, even if he doesn't like it and hates himself for it, he doesn't see another way to deal with his fear, allowing his "new self" to consume himself. ("I'd wear that mask of my own face" "I look into my eyeholes and what do I see? A handsome motherfucker motherfucking looking back at me")

I'm a Murderer-Freddie Dredd: Mostly vibes ("I'm a motherfucking murderer")

'Cause I'm a Liar-Mcki Robyns-P: He would lie just for fun even in serious situations. If he needs to manipulate someone to survive, he'll do it his way, after all, he doesn't care anymore, he just seeks for excitement. ("Without emotion, without devotion. It's much easier to fake something happy")

I Disagree-Poppy: I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like this is how he sees and feels the world and those around him, feeling misunderstood and going his own way ("If only all of you could see the world I see, then maybe everyone could live in harmony")

Personal Jesus-Mindless Self Indulgence: He has a superiority complex, that's for sure. I don't think he sees himself as a god, but I see him joking about it

Rainbow Factory-GLAZE, WoodenToaster: Vibes

Frontier Psychiatrist-The Avalanches: I kinda see this as Aguni taking the role of Niragi's "father figure" inside the borderlands, realizing he's turning insane and is unable to control him ("That boy needs therapy")

Hate it. Hate it. "JIGAHIDAI!"-WADATAKEAKI Kurage P: Jealousy. I can see it either in a pre-borderland situation where he hates the popular students in school, or inside the borderlands hating both Chishiya and Arisu. Jealousy takes over him constructing a big ego, causing himself to develop his superiority complex ("You see, I hate that popular girl!" "Does she think I don't notice? How she looks at me as if I'm trash" "I want to be praised" "I'm different from you all, I have my own ego! I'm not a side character" "I have zero common sense. I'm special")

Villain-Stella Jang: He knows damn well he's a villain, that's his goal after all, but what if someone took his point of view? wouldn't the villains be all of those who hurted him in the first place? ("We all pretend to be the heroes on the good side, but what if we are the villains on the other")

Violent-carolesdaughter: This is how I view an argument inside a relationship with Niragi. He's used to violence, to cause fear, and getting what he wants, so being in a healthy relationship would require a lot of patience and strenght. While he's getting better and suppressing those violent actions, there will be times where he accidentally uses violence or threatens the other person unintentionally, mostly hurting himself and his partner psychologically. The lyrics change between both points of view ("Don't make me get violent, I want my ring back baby that's a diamond" "She knows I'm a wreck" "I gave you all my trust and I told you just don't break it")

Hey Bunny-Baby Bugs: Based on how I think it would feel to partner up with him inside the borderlands and catching feelings for him while knowing the huge mess he is ("Hey bunny, what's with those evil eyes?" "Hey bunny, what the hell is wrong with us?" "Hey bunny, what if I loose you too? If I become the monster, together we can always be blue")

Kokoronashi-majiko: I'm pretty sure Niragi isn't able to see himself as someone able to love, even if he doesn't want to be alone (just like when he confesses this feeling while fighting with Chishiya and Arisu). If someone truly loved him and was willing to not letting him go, it would hurt. He can't see himself as someone who can love or be loved, so he can't accept the love he's seeking for in case that turns him "weaker" making his true self confront with the protective mean personality he's created. He could learn how to accept it, so he might want the other person to stay in the end, but it wouldn't be easy for him to accept it ("It's awful, I'd rather you destroy my body, tear it to sheds, do as you please" "No matter how much I'm loved by you, my heart is just one" "I don't know this, don't leave me alone")

Nightmare Parade-FAKE TYPE.: Vibes

Slipping Through My Fingers-Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried: Niragi seeing himself loosing his young, gentle and caring personality due to his fear, being unable to control what's happening inside, nostalgia and sadness kicking in ("The feeling that I'm loosing her forever" "That funny little girl" "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time")

Kuroneko No Tango-Pink Martini, The Von Trapps: Vibes

YKWIM?-Yot Club: Him confroting his feelings of loneliness when he's left alone with his thoughts ("It feels like I care too much when I'm alone, oh no")

Romantic Lover-Eyedress: Just appreciating his physical appearance ("She's a killer, I love her features")

Wrecking Ball-Mother Mother: Based on how he sees himself as someone who needs to destroy everything in a way or another in order to be powerful + the fun he has with it ("Call me a reckless wrecking ball" "Let's break it just because we can")

Edge-Rezz: Vibes

Freaks-Surf Curse: Again, confronting feelings when loving someone, but not in such a painful as Kokoronashi ("I need a place to stay where I can cover up my face" "Don't cry, I'm just a freak")

Little Bit-Lykke Li: Vibes

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro/Con)-Will Wood and the Tapeworms: Vibes

PHONKY TOWN-PlayaPhonk: Vibes

I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE-Måneskin: Freaky time. He would absolutely love this song, definitely his type of thing ("You could be the beauty and I could be the monster" "I wanna touch your body so fucking electric" "I wanna make you hungry, then I wanna feed you")

#BrooklynBloodPop!-SyKo: Vibes

A Cold Freezin' Night-The Books: Vibes

A Pearl-Mitski: My most favorite song to associate with Niragi. Represents his evolution as a character. Creating an scenario where he is loved by someone,he rejects it at first, acting tough ("I don't want your touch") and then proceeds to explain why ("It's just that I fell in love with a war, nobody told me it ended" "it left a pearl in my hand and I roll it around every night just to watch it glow") the war being the borderlands and his new personality, he loved it, but nobody drew a line and it's getting out of hand. The pearl is the feeling of power, the one he has to remember when feeling weak just to feel something. At the end of the song it changes to ("Sorry I can't take your touch"), realizing that he wants love, but he's not able to take it or else he'll become the Niragi from the past

Problematic-Bo Burnham: Him acknowledging his problematic actions but not wanting to apologize because he doesn't feel the need to. He knows he's done bad things but he is going to laugh at it and be a sarcastic mf about it

First Love/Late Spring-Mitski: Similar to Kokoronashi, he wouldn't be able to accept love and how it makes him feel. He would think that he prefers for everyone to hate him and be lonely instead of sacrificing his tougher side. Also talks about how he's grown way too quickly for him to understand feelings properly ("So please hurry leave me, I can't breathe, please don't say you love me" "One word from you and I would jump out of this ledge I'm on baby" "I was so young when I behaved 25, yet now I find I've grown into a tough child"

The Other Side Of Paradise-Glass Animals: Vibes

Bodybag-Chloe Moriondo: How I feel about liking his character, confronting feelings basically ("Don't know if I hate you or if I wanna date you" "I don't wanna like you, I just wanna tie you up, then keep you in a cage and watch you sleep for ages"

Get Into It (Yuh)-Doja Cat: Vibes

Psycho Killer-2005 Remaster- Talking Heads: Vibes

HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U!!!-CORPSE, Night Lovell: Vibes

INFERNO-Sub Urban, Bella Poarch: Again, another song that describes him pretty well ("Baby I'm the reason why hell's so hot" "Terribly like terrible, she's a villain" "Think I'm getting butterflies but it's really something telling me to run away")

Bad Morning-Omori: Vibes

Trouble Brewing: Vibes

Dueles Tan Bien-Bruses: Another song about my confronting feelings with this man ("You know what? You taste better than alcohol to me. You know that and you've got control" "Because you hurt, and you hurt so good that I don't know what to do")

And that's it!! This took me the whole day to write but it makes me very happy to be able to share it :)

I've you've read the entire thing, hope you enjoyed the character analysis! ლ(◞‿◟ლ)

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[redinkofshame]

Some late night ramblings Re: gender and toddlers bc I can't sleep.

I mentioned a while back that my kid's pediatrician asked if he could tell boys from girls and how much it upset me, like, can you?? (<-- I regret not saying it. I should have.) At the time I said no, he thinks everyone is a boy.

I soon realized I was wrong; he doesn't think everyone is a boy, he just only knows/uses he/him pronouns. Boys are he/him, girls are he/him, inanimate objects are he/him. I've been working on it with him every time he gets it wrong (but it's not working at all)

Ignoring for a minute that I don't particularly like that my 3yo can correctly (or as correctly as anyone else) say 'that boy won't play with me' or 'that girl took the ball'... (Like, how can he tell? They’re just kids...) Even though he can't grasp pronouns I'm glad that he's exposed to gender neutral on a regular basis thanks to the librarian that does toddler time at the library, Mx. Jude. I feel like it's scary to tell parents your proper pronouns because so many people are shitty but I'm glad they did. I guess I should write a comment card or something? Or is that patronizing?

I've been working on my own pronoun use, too. I try to remember not to assume and to use neutral terms unless I know otherwise. Kinda hard to unlearn a lifetime of cis stuff but I try. Sometimes I mess up in my head at work -- hard not to make assumptions when speaking with a nurse named Angela -- but I (think) I always remember when leaving a note saying who I spoke to be neuter about it. 

It’s already paid off. Kiddo is in swimming lessons and his teachers rotate all the time so I was introducing him to the week’s teacher. I don’t know if I would have caught myself if it wasn’t easy to see that the teacher was wearing clothes that came from a different department than their AGAB but it slowed me down enough that I remembered to use a they/them, despite my brain telling me I could just assume their gender and sexual preferences based on a glance. I’m really glad I did bc when I tell you their eyes just LIT UP and being called they/them by a new parent. 

So much so even my mom saw it, I think. Or maybe she picked up on me continuing to use those pronouns when talking about them later? I don’t think I ever mentioned them again though. I do know that I saw mom use the correct pronouns weeks later when we saw them again, in that way where she had to slow down before she said it to remind herself to use they/them. I know it’s a struggle for her. It’s hard to re-learn! She’s very good about Mx. Jude in front of kiddo but sometimes will slip when talking to be about them. 

I probably slow down the same way, though I try not to. It doesn’t come naturally yet. But I’m glad that I’m working on it. And I’m glad people from my mom’s generation are too. 

I grew up with Fox News playing like 24/7, except when we were in the car: then it was Rush Limbaugh. I believed all the rhetoric. But occasionally something someone said would seem Too Unfair to me, and if was coming from my mom I would say so. One time a butch woman (I think. Who knows.) was spending, like, a long time primping her hair in the Target bathroom. Mom muttered something like ‘she’s spending an awfully long time on how she looks for someone who doesn’t care how they look.’ and I was like ‘who says she doesn’t care?? Just because YOU don’t like women with short hair doesn’t mean SHE doesn’t like it. You don’t know she cut it just to say ‘fuck you’ society.’ (though, now that I’m older and wiser, more power to them if they did. I also like to imagine they were getting ready for a date or talking to a cute cashier.)

She used to say It’s okay to be gay but they shouldn’t be *married* they can just have ‘civil unions’. It took me YEARS to stop believing that, but when I did I found an excuse to bring it up again so I could say something about it. 

And folks? It worked?? Like I didn’t notice at the time. I don’t think she really responded either time and the subject moved on. But even she still remembers that time in the Target bathroom because it left such a ‘o shit the kid’s right’ imprint on her, and it’s made her think about some things more critically.

But now we’re at a point that my mom will text me about how my kiddo loved playing with Mx. Jude today, just casually in a text. I didn’t even know where she learned that Mx. was a thing. She didn’t learn it from me.  (I’ve since gathered she probably learned it from the teacher.) I’ve never really talked her much about gender outside explaining why some people go with bi and some pan and some other ones out there. 

Which! Side note. When her teenaged nephew came out as bi to her sister, and then the sister talked to mom about it, mom was able to explain ‘just because someone’s attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean it’s always all genders equally; sometimes it is, or sometimes people will still have some preference to girls or boys but are still bi’ because apparently of all the things I said to her about it that one was like a lightbulb for her. I have no idea why it mattered in the conversation tbh, only that she later said she was happy that she understood that now, thanks to me. 

I hope this isn’t patronizing to mom, and I don’t want anyone to think ill of her bc she’s super amazing and caring and works so stupid hard for this family. But it’s just great to see that other former Fox-News watchers can just learn to teach themselves to be progressive. 

(Dad’s changed a lot too but not in an anecdote-able way, not as socially, so idk how to describe it. Definitely thinks more critically though.)

 One more before I resort to sleep meds I guess. My cishet BFF just informed me that her spouse is a transwoman. She’s wanted to tell me forever (like 6 month I think) but they weren’t out about it yet and it wasn’t her place to tell, all I knew was that her and spouse were in therapy about something she couldn’t talk to me about yet. 

I focused more on her reaction to it when I was talking to her, because I know how much she hates secrets and has wanted to talk to me about it and I wanted her to tell me all the things she’s been holding back. And also their family’s reactions because they suck. (The reaction is that everyone thinks her wife is going to hell, even the wife’s mother.) But the first thing I asked was how to spell her wife’s new name. 

When the conversation was over and I had her permission to tell others I informed my spouse and mom, because they also know my BFF and might talk about her spouse and I didn’t want them to accidentally misgender/deadname her. 

My mom’s first question was how to spell her wife’s new name 😂 (and then if she was using she/her pronouns or smth else).

Idk. It’s exciting. I’m happy for all you funky little queer folk. I’m sorry my ass is taking so long to catch up. I’ll make sure my kiddo is better than me. Forgive him for misgendering over half the population currently (and most inanimate objects).

[fractallogic]

here are Some Thoughts™ that are mostly reminders of things I got done since 4 PM, since I feel like I haven't done shit today other than sit on the couch:

1. I did not have dice in my mailbox today. in fact, I only got the mail that USPS said they were mailing to me yesterday. sigh.

2. I am REALLY happy to say that Butch Turtle is well lit for the first time in a very long time. he has his warm light, which I fucked up and knocked over and broke a few days ago and needed to get a whole new lamp for because the bottom of the bulb is stuck in the socket, and he also has his UV light for Shell Health (which I replaced ??? ago, but the lamp didn't work, so I had to get a new lamp, which I got right before I moved so I didn't do anything, and then it still didn't work, so I needed to get a new bulb, which I hadn't done until today, and it turned out the previous lamp worked all along, which meant I got a dud bulb, which SUCKS because now I can't return it because god only knows where that receipt and packaging are and they are EXPENSIVE at ~$25 each)

3. I finally filled out the authorization to release medical records to the new doctor, and hopefully they get it before my appointment next thursday

4. I also found a new practice right next to my house (basically) that gets very good reviews and is also taking new patients, in case I can't make it clear to the previous doc that she made me feel bad about myself and her team fucked up and was rude to me instead of apologizing for their mistake

5. I also requested study credits for next term so that I can run participants through the human subjects pool. the deadline to request is sunday(?), so cutting it close, as usual

6. This means I have some extra motivation to finish up the pilot study and my stuff for the main study, since I think the credits can be reallocated to someone else if I don't use them by like, week 5 or something

7. today should be a full shower day because my hair is kind of gross, but I am also kind of tired and don't want to. but I also feel better after I wash my hair and it doesn't actually take that much effort.

8. goal for tomorrow is to buy next year's health insurance, put the final touches on the contract critique for this one kid I've been working on for literally three weeks because I can't just fucking sit down and do it, read through my student's statement of purpose, do one pomodoro of work on another contract, and do two pomodoros of work on the book. I'm pretty sure that's going to amount to about two hours of work. I'm telling that to my brain right now because before I sit down to do it I'll feel like it's the worst thing in the world, but when I actually get started, I'll feel MUCH better about it and be able to power through a lot

9. also we must wash the dishes on the counter tomorrow. we have to. we have no clean pots and we want to make puttanesca sauce, and also no counter space to do fucking anything.

10. this weekend it would be nice if we returned the cans and bottles to the recycling thing by the grocery store. we need to get groceries and plan the meals for next week anyway, so do it then. (puttanesca recipe makes four servings, so we don't really even have to plan much or get many groceries.)

11. don't forget to go to campus on Monday for the undergrad event. also don't forget about the lab gathering on Monday night. also don't forget to send New Collaborator your grant.

12. my neighbor asked me to spend a few hours hanging out with her partner's elderly cat while they're away on a ~romantic mountain retreat~ (or sth) this weekend, but hasn't gotten me a key to their place and they leave tomorrow. I feel concerned for the cat.

13. I am going to get in bed before midnight tonight because my revenge bedtime procrastination hasn't even been interesting lately, and if I continue getting up at 8 AM after sleeping enough, there actually is enough time in the day to a) work, b) wash dishes, c) take a walk, d) make dinner, and e) play video games in a very comfortable, non-rushed kind of way without having to also stay up late to do any of them

14. don't let the SAD win. fuck you, SAD. I know it's dark outside. I don't care. sitting on the couch doesn't help.

[hardheadedbighearted]

Since Hayley is dying of no-Covid juice and I don't have any other watermelons stuffed with hamburger meat to chase around my enclosure for enrichment right now, I thought it might be a good chance to talk about some of my characters' relationships with gender.

(eta: Apparently it's non-binary people's day so I'm going to pretend that's why)

So, it doesn't get many opportunities to come up, but while most of my characters use the pronouns given to them by canon, that doesn't mean all of them are binary; it just means they all have binary pronouns (for various reasons, which I'll get into in a second). Along with "not really coming up much", another reason is that the characters themselves aren't really there yet, or because even I don't know what their gender will do once they actually get there.

Anyway, all that said, here are some of the characters that I know are non-binary, or who otherwise lack what we would think of as a traditional relationship with gender (which I'll explain in a minute).

-Neopolitan {Redacted}: Neo is the most obvious example, and the only one I've been able to have come up on screen that wasn't an oc. Neo's gender is "all", and "all your gender are belong to us", and "this gender is mine", and "gender: yes". When it comes to pronouns, her stance is not so much "I use all pronouns" as "all pronouns are equally correct". Most people default (herself included) to she just because she is to all appearances a woman, but if someone were to break out a he or a they or a xe or a hir or etc, she's not going to care or likely even notice unless a big deal is made.

However, Neo does at times take on personas in order to do her job, and her personas will sometimes have very different stances on their genders. Gideon, for example, uses exclusively they; if memory serves, the sphynx cat from the raid was a he, and the black cat with the green eyes that is underneath Neo's many illusions is exclusively a she. (There's a reason for this, but she informs me it's none of your business.)

(In before, the black cat with the green eyes is not Neo's "true" identity; insofar as she thinks of any of her personas as the "true" self, that would be Neo, the black cat with the green eyes is just her natural form. This is why the black cat with the green eyes doesn't have a name and is usually referred to using the name of the strawberry calico. The reasons for this are, again, none of your business.)

-Yang Xiao Long and Weiss Schneebird: I'm listing both of these together because they're both in the camp of "haven't gotten there yet" with a healthy dose of "I don't know what they'll do when they do get there". I know that I, personally, don't see either Yang or Weiss as binary girls, nor do I feel the urge to rub my trans man fingers all over them (that's for Ruby... maybe. we'll see). I think Yang will likely end up somewhere on the Butch side of the Butch/Trans cusp; I've been reading a lot of blogs from trans men and transmasc individuals recently and them talking about their experience, and I feel like Yang will probably settle in somewhere in that arena. Weiss, on the other hand... look, okay. Honesty time: years ago during an event I won't talk about, I threw out "nonbinary Weiss" as a counterexample to a point I shouldn't have even had to make, and that single, throwaway suggestion has lived in my brain rent-free for years. Now that I have finally moved past the part of me that is still bitter about what happened (okay.. I'm still bitter, but not as much as before), I feel safe to explore that without the negative associations. Also, I saw an edit last year of Weiss with short hair, and it unlocked something in my brain. I think Weiss will end up somewhere unadjacent to binary (contrary to Yang moving along the feminine to masculine line), with an attachment to certain specific identity labels as removed from the context of a binary identity. Also given how long this turned out probably I shouldn't have made them the same bullet point. (Side note, this early gender questioning is why Yang took care to ask Neo's pronouns.)

-Qrow and Raven: Okay, so this one is the one I meant when I alluded to "non-traditional relationships with gender". While both twins do exist on what we would think of as a binary axis (while not identifying either as binary or nonbinary man/woman, respectively), they didn't get there in the traditional "assigned at birth" or "transition" way.

See, here's the thing about ravens: they don't have much sexual dimorphism to speak of. Males are typically larger than females, but with such a broad overlap that even size isn't that reliable. From this, I headcanon that in DT society, ravens (and other birds that have matching genitals and no dimorphism) don't really have a concept of "assigned at birth gender". You find out what sex you are once puberty hits, and gender is something that ravens just explore, sometimes settling very quickly into one thing and sometimes trying on lots, sometimes moving fluidly throughout their entire life.

When it comes to their actual sex, we know that Raven is female. Qrow... I genuinely don't know. I know based on certain things coming down the pipeline it's a high probability that he's also female, but those are just loosely based on my assumptions about how those loose ideas will play out, and are irrelevant and unlikely to come up anyway.

As far as their relationship with genders go, Qrow settled into male sometime during childhood, while Raven tried on genders for awhile before deciding sometime in her twenties that female was "close enough". However, for both of them gender is about how they're perceived externally, and doesn't mean much as far as their internal relationship with gender goes (which is basically nonexistent).

Will also say that there was a time when Raven was absolutely prepared to try on male for awhile to see if it would get James into bed with her, but that was more out of horniness than anything else. When it's been awhile and your best friend is hot, just got fitted with a metal dick he should probably take for a test run, and is pining for your identical twin, a girl will consider anything. Apparently.

Note regarding Yang re: raven genders, Yang is half-tanager and appeared more tanager than raven until adolescence, so Raven kind of got vetoed by Tai and Summer (not in a deliberate way, just sort of happened like that). However, both Yang and Ruby were raised to think of their assigned gender as a "default setting" that they could change at any point they so chose.

-Reese Chloris: This one will come up as soon as I get the opening for it; Reese is a transmasculine woman, and is in fact early into hrt (this is why I took care to specify her as a peahen when she first turned up). She is also a straight transmasculine woman, something that she's only recently come to accept about herself, because of course a woman who wants to look like a man to the point of taking hormones to make that happen has to be sapphic, right? Reese is still on a journey when it comes to her gender and identity; the three things she knows for sure positive are: 1, wants to kiss boys, 2, doesn't want to be boys, 3, wants to be mistaken for boys.

-Emerald Sustrai: Listen, Mercury's comment that "Emerald's not a girl, she's Emerald" is easy to dismiss as Mercury not thinking of his partner as a potential romantic pursuit until you remember that Mercury and Emerald share a dreamscape and a mental connection and that Mercury is trans, and you start to wonder if maybe he just knows something we don't.

Anyway, Emerald's not a girl, she's Emerald. What that will mean for her... well, that's actually one of the ones that I already know, but Emerald hasn't gotten there yet. Give her time. :)

-Lie Ren: He's never actually onscreen, but I always sort of envision Ren as menderfluid- never a woman, not always a man. He's also aro-ace, but that's unrelated. I just wanted to put that out there. ("But Theo! What about Renora?!" What about Renora?)

-Neon Katt: Nonbinary woman. There's not much to say about this one; Neon just considers the box of "cis woman" to be too stifling for her taste. Strictly speaking she's a she/they and even has a pin advertising this, but it's never come up outright.

-Roman Torchwick and Robyn Hill: Binary man and woman, just not in the traditional way. Not gonna elaborate, they just belong on the list. Don't worry about it.