#but back to the whole gender crisis- I want to be butch. I want to be able to be butch

[nope-body]

.

[voheitmp3]

we just had. the weirdest debate ever? on a video about someone being frustrated with lesbian exclusionists and queer exclusionists as a whole we commented that the lesboy hate was getting out of hand, and that it was upsetting to see, especially during pride month.

someone replied and said “i would love to but 9 times out of 10 it’s used to be homophobic to lesbians.”

i replied with “then block and move on? people don't need to make a big fuss over something that doesn't matter. i'm frustrated about it as a butch lesbian who just wants their label to be respected and accepted.”

they replied with “we should address the problem of homophobia with men pretending to be lesbians tho. butches are fine but when you're a full on man saying you're wlw, you really shouldn't be using "reclaimed" slurs”

imo this is already where it went off the rails. i said “i want to be accepted” and they replied with “but what about men” which was Not relevant. to this comment what so ever .

the debate continued with me replying to them with “i know this is controversial, but if a man genuinely feels and believes that he is a lesbian, he is one. sexuality and gender are fluid, and people are going to identify in a way you deem “wrong”.”

this person replied to that with “so a woman can identify as a gay man? or is it only “labels are flexible” when it comes to women’s labels?”

i replied with “no of course she can? the label turigirl exists for a reason? anyone can identify however they’d like to. that’s the point of what i just said”

personally. i don’t think it’s too crazy or ridiculous to say that. people are free to identify how they want, and rigid gender or sexuality “rules” isn’t going to change that.

their response to this is “woah omg you did not just say that. that’s so disrespectful to the victims of the aids crisis and ongoing victims of homophobia”

which. genuinely what. i have no idea how you would ever get to that conclusion.

i asked where that curveball came from, and they said “from your homophobia. it is a complete disregard of individuals who have been socially ostracized for their identities to say anyone can use any label no matter how they actually identify”

which is genuinely kind of crazy to me. because in my opinion and the opinion of a lot of my friends, my view on labels is completely understandable and reasonable?

in response, i said “you seem to be disregarding my own personal experience with homophobia. anyone can use whatever label they want, because that is how free will works. it's not homophobic to say that at all?” which, because of my experiences with homophobia (i have been hospitalized several times due to queer/trans violence) is a reasonable thing to say.

they send back “how would i know your personal experience first of all? and second of all it is homophobic to say that men can be wlw and women can be mlm when lesbians and gay men fought so hard during the aids crisis to not be seen as monsters.”

although i’m not quite sure how that is totally relevant, i think you’re making people who don’t identify the way you think they should as monsters, or “wrong”, which if i’m being honest sounds a bit like homophobia to me.

i then ask about listening their perspective in dms, to see if they’d let me try to understand why they think oppressive boxes have something to do with how you’re supposed to identify, but they said that “i have made my perspective very clear and backed it with research, like requested. if you are not able to understand this complex issue, that is your responsibility and not mine to educate yourself.”

which if i had to ask for a more detailed explanation, i don’t think they made it very clear, but i suppose we all can’t care about queer people.

i’m not sure how mentioning the aids crisis is the same thing as doing research against my point, but again, i don’t think they were very clear at explaining anything.

anyway, i’m posting this here to break the echo chamber of my friends all completely agreeing with me, to see if maybe i was just missing something or whatever

;; 🪶/\ 🪓

[redtail-lol]

I made a lesbian flag

I wanted to make my own lesbian flag for fun, and because I have complicated feelings on Emily Gwen. I don't intend to replace their flag but I felt like making one so here it is!

[Image ID: A 7 stripe flag. The stripe colors, in descending order, are: purple; violet-magenta; pink white; reddish salmon; pale orange; pale golden yellow. The second image is the same flag with the assigned stripe meanings, in descending order: gender nonconformity; queer love of women; femininity; unity; lesbian history and diversity; masculinity and those tied to it; nonbinary lesbians and NBLW/WLNB love. End ID.]

Since Emily's is already called the sunset lesbian flag, perhaps this could be the sunrise lesbian flag or dawn lesbian flag. Yeah I like that. Dawn lesbian flag.

Stripe meaning explanations:

1. Gender nonconformity: lesbian history is rich in gender nonconformity. This obviously includes butches and futches, as well as pronoun nonconforming lesbians, trans lesbians, and nonbinary or genderqueer lesbians, but it also includes all lesbians who simply see loving women as nonconformity to traditional roles, something it was seen as historically before it was more normalized

2. Queer love of women: no matter what lesbian definition you use, a lesbian's love of women is queer. Purple is a color often seen in QLW terms, and as such I chose it to represent our love of women

3. Femininity: whether you're a femme or a trans man lesbian who feels a connection to femininity and through his AGAB, the femininity stripe represents all lesbians who feel a whole or partial connection to femininity, or simply have a deep love for femininity and feminine people

4. Unity: despite the fact that the lesbian label has so many different ways to be experienced, we're all united by the fact that we're lesbians. We are a community, united together.

5. Lesbian history and diversity: the lesbian label has a lot of diversity in it. Some lesbians are women who exclusively love women, and some lesbians are bigender boygirls who have split attractions between loving all genders and loving feminine genders. This diversity is backed by the history of the lesbian community and label. But on top of that, this stripe also pays homage to the significance of lesbians in queer history, especially how lesbians played an important role during the AIDS crisis.

6. Masculinity and those tied to it: This stripe is for the butches, the he/him lesbians, the transmasc and trans man lesbians, the lesboys, and all the other lesbians who feel connected to masculinity.

7. Nonbinary Lesbians and NBLW/WLNB love: Nonbinary lesbians have always existed and continue to exist to this day. They are a beautiful part of the lesbian label, and both nonbinary lesbians and lesbians who love nonbinary people are highlighted with this stripe.

I tried to make a 5 stripe variation but it didn't look as nice. This flag is inclusive of anyone who considers themselves a lesbian. All lesbians belong under this flag, and all lesbians may use it, even if I don't personally align with all your beliefs.

Tagging @queer-love-4-women for visibility, if they choose to reblog it.

[kittythelitter]

Thinking about a hypothetical episode of Community with the original 7 where Shirley brings one of her friends from church to Greendale, let's call her Mariah

This friend is a trans woman who is a devout Christian and because she's Christian Shirley listened to her about trans issues and stuff and decided if this nice Christian person wants to be addressed as a woman the Christian thing to do is to treat her like a woman and be respectful of how she wants to be addressed. Whether Shirley personally views Mariah as a woman is ambiguous.

Pierce doesn't clock her or even understand what's going on when the group discusses that she's trans, he just sees a hot new lady and is constantly sexually harassing her and she calls him a chaser which he decides is a new word for like a pick up artist and starts self identifying with it and ends up having his own mostly off screen adventure about it.

Britta immediately outs herself as a terf but gets all her terf talking points slightly wrong. Her whole arc is just her talking herself in circles until she sees Mariah experience transmisogyny and is like. Actually what defines a woman is suffering in society as a result of your gender which means trans women are women. But at the end of the episode she meets Mariah's boyfriend who is also trans and sees someone be transphobic to him and is like. But if you're suffering aren't you also a woman? And that's the very end of the episode so instead of a resolution about it we just leave Britta to whatever she's debating with herself and move on.

Jeff doesn't have an opinion of trans people going in but defends trans people just to disagree with Britta, but as he argues in defense of trans people he manages to get really into what he's saying and ends up doing some public speaking for a trans rights group on campus. (The Dean is there just because Jeffrey is there being all eloquent and manly, half learns terminology and starts referring to himself as "Dean-der Fluid" and "non-dean-ery".) A trans guy talks to Jeff about his hair and his workout routine and Jeff realizes he and the trans guys at the event have a lot in common in terms of how they perform masculinity in order to get others to see them the way they see themselves/want to be seen.

Abed similarly spends time talking with the trans group about performing gender among other things and knowing yourself even when others don't understand you or want to change you. They complain about transphobia in tv and he admits that community has had some transphobic bits and talks with them about better representation and problematic stereotypes and tries to get one of them to stay on as a series regular in order to make community a better more representative show.

Troy and Annie both try to figure out if being attracted to Mariah makes them gay. They both come to the conclusion that Mariah is a woman so Annie is probably some kind of queer and Troy is still not gay for being attracted to her. They both go to the event with Jeff and Abed.

Troy meets a really hot trans guy and is like. Okay i am attracted to men. And then we see flashbacks of him clearly flirting with and/or going on dates with guys since he got to Greendale and just not realizing it. He, rather than having a bi crisis has a "I had a chance with all those hotties and i blew it" crisis before hitting on the trans guy who he thought was flirting with him but who was actually under the impression that troy and abed were a couple and was trying to figure out if they'd be down for a 3-way.

Meanwhile Annie starts doing research with the pamphlets laid out at the events to figure out what kind of queer she is and every time it cuts back to her theres more and more queers around her flirting with her. Including some butch lesbians, some nonbinary people, and some trans guys who are all enamoured with her sweet femme charm. (We get snippets of conversations that have things like compulsory heterosexuality, different flavors of bi, asexuality etc) she turns up at the end with a lesbian pride pin on her backpack and her hair and lip gloss very mussed.

[king-nyx]

The Rising Son sexuality and gender headcanons

Apollo - bisexual with a preference for men. Apollo is a romantic who dotes on all his lovers. He definitely can connect with both men and women very very easily. He's a feminine guy which lands him in a weird area when he's perceived, but he is cis.

Artemis - butch lesbian. honestly, don't think Artemis ever thought there were options outside of lesbianism. she definitely leans into dressing more masc and enjoys presenting as more masc, however she is cis and has her moments where she wants to wear dresses and put on makeup (Apollo helps her)

Dionysus - bisexual with a preference for women. Dionysus has an easier time connecting with women and also tends to have more romantic relationships with women. His relationships with men, while some are romantic, tend to be mostly about physicality. Gender-wise, he's trans and uses he/him pronouns.

Hermes - bicurious to bisexual to pansexual. he didn't have a whole crisis, he kinda just wondered what it would be like to date men. started dating men, enjoyed it and it kinda spiraled from there. he's gender neutral, still uses he/him pronouns because that's what everyone assumes and he doesn't really bother with pronouns. it's all just meh to him. he's a guy in the same way a group of people are a guy.

Ariadne - femme lesbian. her issue is that she didn't think lesbianism is an option. with theseus and dionysus, she thought she was on the aspec or the arospec, because she didn't have any of the firework, heart leaping into the sky type of excitement. but, when she ended up dating women, she knew she was a femme lesbian. she is pretty sure she's cis, but she isn't against exploring her gender if that ever comes up. and, she has used she/they pronouns before

Ares - unlabeled. he hates labels, he hates when people ask him what his label is. he hates when people assume his sexuality. he hates when people try to push labels on him. he hates all the discourse. he hates all of it. to him, all that matters is that he likes the person and the person likes him back. nothing else is important to him. this has led people to assume he's pan online and those people have become public enemy number one to him. ares appears to be a macho buff cis dude, but honestly he's a softie. he is cis though. he's also definitely experimented.

Aphrodite - pansexual and nonbinary. they also hates labels and they don't really appreciate what they deem a simplistic way of perceiving a person and their capabilities of love. the reason they chose their labels is because, unlike ares, they wanted to end all discourse around their sexuality and gender identity. however, they are also just a person. they're femme and they're attracted to all things that are feminine.

Persephone - thought she was a lesbian, is actually a bisexual with a strong attraction to women. she never really considered dating men until she met Hades. Hades was where she started exploring her sexuality more. not in a "turned her straight" way but in a "oh, i thought i only liked x turns out i also like z" way.

Hades - straight (non-derogatory)

Poseidon - straight (derogatory)

Zeus - sexually fluid, biromatic and cis. listen, you don't sleep with that many people and not be sexually fluid /lh.

Hera - demiromantic, demisexual, cis. Zeus is the only person she has ever felt romatically and sexually attracted to.

Athena - aroace, uses she/they pronouns. thought she was a lesbian asexual at one point, but she realised that she did not feel any romantic feelings either.

Lex - lesbian and asexual. she always hated sex and sexual relationships were never something she ever wanted to explore. she is happy in romantic relationships.

(Bonus because I love her) Peitho - bisexual. she thought she was straight for the longest time, but after befriending Aphrodite, she decided to experiment and found out she actually did like girls. She and Aphrodite had a thing for a bit, but they decided staying as friends was a better option for them.

[sloppyneedybmxboy]

thoughts on girl!dean

she'd be a cross between Maeve Wiley from sex education, Link from wildhood, and Lin from spirited away. I don't know why I think this I have nothing in words 2 back it up. I feel sad when I think about dean too much but unbearably sad when I think of girldean and the things she's been through

i think deans whole hyper masc drag artist thing he has going on is not to do with being in love with being a boy it's just to do with wanting to emulate his dad as much as possible!

so girldean would not be a hot cheerleader type at all, as much as dean would like that, it's just a fantasy there is no way he'd allow himself to be a conventional girl living a conventional life that way no way not with a dad like john.

I think she'd be messy and incorrectly perform her gender on all fronts but all in an attempt to please john, she'd be butch she'd have an eyebrow piercing she'd be performing badass Tough Chick femininity at all times but inside she'd be having many many a gender crisis, all john centred gender crises. Maybe she tries being Mary 2.0 for a while too especially when she's younger but she can't bare it because she's not mary she's a failure who can't even protect her little brother. Her mum is angelic and everything she can't live up to. At the same time as being the shiv roy of hunting. she's trapped i think, just as much as boydean is and maybe worse in different ways.

[bongkillua]

20 for the ask game? i love seeing how creators interact with and connect to their characters :>

i am so sorry i saved this ask to be a reward for me after work yesterday and then completely forgot about it.

20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery? How?

yes!!! a lot actually!! all in very individual and unique ways. i mean i literally went by tucker as a name for a time because of how much tucker influenced me lol. it’s actually funny because you can always tell when i’m going through some sort of identity crisis because one of my ocs will just get a dramatic overhaul or like intense deep dive into their character.

in terms of queerness specifically… tucker is the whole reason why i discovered how werewolves and wolves connect to my masculinity and my gender. that’s something that i still carry very close to me and probably my first baby steps into butchness before i even fully understood it. hes a very old monsterhearts character that i made him at the beginning of the pandemic when i was in this weird limbo space of my transition and how my neurodiversity played into that. he definitely represented who i wanted to be/look like at the time. and over time his identity has changed to reflect mine- from being a gay man to bisexual to a butch dyke to all three at the same time. tucker tends to reflect me the closest but i think i also just change him whenever i’ve Already discovered smth about myself.

xanders gender presentation has given me a much higher respect for drag and Gender Weirdness in general. not to say i didn’t have it before but it feels a lot more personal now. he’s just so fun to play around with in ways that i’m not comfortable experimenting with my own gender url but are still experiences i like to explore if that makes sense. he was also definitely my bisexual awakening when i was in denial for like 6 months. like when i finally accepted that i thought xander was a hot guy AND A HOT GIRL was when i finally accepted that i liked men and women lol. it’s also when i decided xander would be bigender as opposed to a feminine man LMFAO.

ummm tucker and jordan’s relationship pushed me to think a lot more about my queerness growing up and how my experiences growing up as a Queer Girl influenced my Current identity. their whole relationship is like. very personal to me and the queerness of their childhood is such an important part of the story and Why They’re Like That. like idk Queer Childhoods are a very prevalent theme in wolfsbane and i guess i don’t really Discover anything when talking about/working through their backstory but i definitely reflect a lot on myself and my own experiences and it’s just made me a lot more Aware of my childhood.

jordan is actually my oldest character of the bunch that i made back when i was transitioning in high school and was definitely me sorting through some Gay Repressed Emotions but his backstory was just so different back then that it’s hard to relate to it. jordan’s queerness is such a diff experience from i mine though that i can definitely say for certain that he has helped me with self discovery in other ways way more than in terms of queerness. his relationship to his body (less in a trans sense and more in a psychosis sense) and reality are like. the big things i sorta project onto him.

konami reflects a lot of my gender apathy and “unseriousness” about queerness and while i haven’t thought about it much before he definitely represents a future i wish i had for myself of being raised in a communal queer space so like. he’s my inner child in a way :3c i think they also represent like. how my queerness was influenced by the internet and digital spaces but like that was as close as i got to having a queer community growing up so it still relates back to that first point about queer upbringing!

but yeah my characters are always very clear reflections of me and my experiences it’s very intentional. you can definitely tell how i perceive myself and my identity at the time based on which of the four im hyperfixated on the most. i will literally change my entire wardrobe when i decide to delve into one of my characters more. we sorta grow in tandem though sometimes my love for them changes my identity/i subconsciously project things onto them first and other times i realize something about myself and then add it to their characters. we’re very connected though!

[alexandriaisburning]

031: Valkyrie Elysium

This entry contains spoilers for the story of Valkyrie Elysium. 

CANON FIRE is made possible by the generous contributions of readers like you. Support more writing like this on Patreon. Thank you!

Constructed of sketches and outlines, Valkyrie Elysium gestures towards idea after idea it can never follow through on. Like its post-Ragnarok world, it’s full of ghosts with unfinished business. You see its ambitions in its combat system, layered with systems and nuances that speak to developer Soleil’s pedigree as Team Ninja expatriates. You see it in the surprisingly detailed backstories, which illustrate a society of gender and class violence. It's a game that leaves a lot of implications, because it doesn’t have time to tell the whole story. 

And yet, or maybe because of this, I find myself thinking about Valkyrie Elysium long after the story’s concluded. I think about the Einherjar, the troubled souls I brought upon as my allies in my quest to restore the world. I think about the feminine merchant boy, lifted out servitude by the affection and patronage of a prince he failed to save. I think about the butch knight, equal to skill to all in her class, but wishing she was born a man, limited in position by the body she’s trapped in. I think about the witch of the forest, who gave up her desires to continue the good work, becoming a martyr and accepting false accusations, believing in a destiny she thought others wanted for her. 

And I think about their unwavering faith in the Valkyrie, and their belief that we would lead them on a noble cause that would help right some of the wrongs left unresolved in their previous lives. And I think about how I failed them. 

After several admonishments by Hilde, a valkyrie turncoat, and conspicuously the only Black character in the cast, our Valkyrie finally learns the truth during a crisis of faith. Odin the god she put her faith into, never intended to save this world, but to erase it and start anew. 

I knew. I had long figured Odin had been dishonest, and was waiting the whole time for this turn. But for our unknown Valkyrie, upon finding this out, she has no choice but to fall in line with the god she’d put her faith in. 

I knew. I knew that there were several steps I’d left incomplete, that if I’d spent a little more time searching, digging up histories, I’d be offered a different choice. But in my exhaustion, in my hours of grinding away at the final area, I only wanted it to end. 

I’d seen layers of new mechanics continue to stack, slowly meted out by the flimsy construction of its RPG mechanics and endless tiered currencies, filled with promise only seen in a few brilliant flashes. I’d retread the same ground, the same level layouts, again and again, collecting everyone’s unfulfilled desires, and searching for redemption for the Einherjar who’d supported me. But as it dragged on I thought less about the good times I had grappling across battlefields, raining chaos upon monsters with my group of queers and outcasts, and more about when the end would arrive. 

I wanted the work to be done.

And so it was. With so much left incomplete, my Valkyrie was left with an incomplete picture of events, shown the ultimate truth of Odin’s design, but without knowledge of herself, unable to self actualize and make a choice for herself. She was left to move onto the new world alone, the Einherjar that had supported us left behind to be erased from this world, becoming only legends for the new one. My work was done, but I’d left everyone else behind to finish it. 

I stared dumbfounded at the conclusion. Unsatisfied, despite finally achieving an end I thought I wanted. The credits ran, then I was returned back to a point right before the end. Another chance. I could try once again, collect all the missing pieces, and write a conclusion to the stories left unfinished. I could do right by them. 

But I had made my choice. Like the Valkyrie, I had rushed blindly to finish the work, and left behind more ghosts. How could I resurrect them yet again, just to satisfy my pride?

It was time for them to rest. Time for me to leave them at peace, to let my goodbyes linger. It almost felt fitting, for a story about who we leave behind, to end with regret. 

[lesboylycan]

head in hands head in hands head in hands.

been considering [gender-related label] but at the same time thinking about it makes us feel nauseous. sick to the stomach. we know logically that we're "allowed" i guess, but we've been avoiding a major part of it for so long, denying a huge piece of it for so long that trying to accept it feels like trying to reattach a severed hand after years of separation. feels like trying to put the knife back into the stab wound it once was in. trying to worm my way into a dress that was once too big, too frilly, too glittery, except i've grown and changed and i fit into it perfectly now, it's beautiful, really, but all i can remember is the fool i looked like when i wore it the first time, floundering in the excess fabric while people spat on me for trying to be something i so clearly wasn't.

we first came out as nonbinary five, nearly six years ago. anniversary is on August 25th, actually, so nearly exactly five years and eight months. for a while, we accepted all pronouns.

but we said "all pronouns", and they heard "quirky she/her who wants to be special". we said "i'm okay with anything" and they heard "i'm a girl who's looking for attention". when we went clothes shopping for the first time after coming out, we asked our mother if we could go to the men's section. "don't put yourself in boxes," she said, urging us to stay in the women's. it took months to get any actual masculine-appearing clothes.

so, pretty quickly, we abandoned the whole "all pronouns" thing. switched to they/he for a while. but then they'd use they/them as "she/her (but we're not actually saying she/her, don't worry, we'll play along)". they'd use they/them as "weird girl who'll figure it out soon enough and slip right back where she belongs". they'd use they/them as "you're just a confused, tomboyish girl, and i'm only using they/them so i don't give it away even though you and i both know where you'll end up in a year or two from now". (actually, this whole thing is why nowadays, people using they/them for us is, quite honestly, vaguely triggering! it goes beyond misgendering for us because of how we were treated when we used they/them. even when we know others are using it in the context of "oh, Lepton is plural, so by using they/them, i'm referring to all of them (or a group of them) in the collective and not just one singular person/the singletsona"--it makes us feel panicked and physically ill.)

so we switched to he/they. then he/it/they, then it/he/they (which, of course, got labelled as he/they/it). then it/he, but of course, nobody used it/its for us in person, so we only ever told people he/him because if we gave them any leeway, all of our masculinity would be stripped from us. for a long time, we locked away all of our femininity just so we could have any chance at being perceived as masculine. and even then, we had to fight tooth and claw and nail for it. online, we solely used it/its, plus a couple neo- and nounpronoun sets here and there (wave/waves was the big one we remember). we identified solely as a man so we could have any of our masculinity at all.

then, two things happened in quick succession just last year: we got a prescription for testosterone, and we discovered @/ftmtftm. getting a prescription for testosterone let us start getting more masculine features so we wouldn't have to fight as hard for our masculinity, and finding ftmtftm let us discover that we didn't just have to be a man. that we could be a butch trans man, and further, we didn't have to be a trans man at all to be trans male like we wanted--our gender could just be butch (and later, butch lesbian). we read Stone Butch Blues and Butch is a Noun, and we have a few other things that we need to read but those two were a good starting point, and we started using ze/hir pronouns.

ah. hold on. i got so caught up in the euphoria of being butch that i forgot that in "our gender could just be butch" is where the real gender crisis started.

it's been eight months since we officially started testosterone. we don't have to fight so hard like we used to for our masculinity. our voice is deeper (our grandparents mistake us for our brother, and our voice is deeper than the body's dad's), our body shape has changed slightly, we have a shadow of a mustache that no longer needs to catch the light just right to be seen (which, by the way, we are never shaving off lmao).

we're a bit, if i might say, faggy in our presentation--not quite flamboyant, but definitely queer, with short-sleeved button-ups tucked into our pants, our hips and chest just slightly accentuated, our forearm crutches a tasteful, gender-neutral dark magenta and covered in stickers (because, apparently, accessorizing your belongings is a "feminine trait" unless it's with like... star wars, or something, and that combined with the purple that is closer to red than to blue... well, we get misgendered as a woman significantly more with our crutches than without--i'm sure it also has to do with ablebodied culture stripping gender away from the disabled, and with our more masculine-leaning presentation, that leans into stripping away our masculinity, but i digress).

regardless, we're easily read as masculine by the average person, and when someone sees us before hearing us and assumes we're a girl, our deep voice correcting them scares them away from any idea of that.

except. since starting testosterone. since acknowledging ourselves as butch. we've been having some strange feelings about that. since we've started telling our in-person friends about our actual identity, about us being a butch lesbian, we've been having some strange feelings about how much we guard our masculinity, about how we locked our femininity in a treasure chest and lost the key to the ocean so we could never, ever be tempted by it again--just so we could be seen, in any way, as masculine by the people around us.

we access our femininity through our butchness, through our queered masculinity. except we struggle to access that femininity without an inherent reaction of disgust and fear--what do you mean you want to go back? we ask ourselves. what did you fight for all this for if you were just going to turn back around?

i don't think we're turning around when we do this. we're not detransitioning in any sense of the word--yes, we've transitioned in a masculine way, and now... now that we've achieved some of that, some of our wishes at least, we're looking for the key to that locked box. (we lost it to the ocean. we don't know how to swim.)

we have some skirts from a few years ago. when we had yet to lock away our femininity so thoroughly. when we were still a child who was just playing around. we haven't had the courage to pick them up, put them on. we need the key to that locked box. (we lost it to the ocean. we don't know how to swim.)

we tell our close friends they can use she/her for us. if they use it in a butch way. we want to tell more people they can do the same. but we need to open the locked box to do that, we need that damned key to that damned locked box.

we lost it to the ocean.

we don't know how to swim.

[morbid-bugz]

My personal ST sexuality headcanons :) IK it’s long stfu I needed to get this out

Nancy: I’d say she’s a lesbian just strong wlw vibes all around, she was into dudes but platonically and mistakes the desire for affection and friendship as romantic feelings and just thought her attraction to women was bestie vibes only :)

Robin: Fuhkin gay. so gay. Figured out she was gay from a kitschy erotica novel that she stole from a yard sale when she was 12 (the ones with huge half-breed musclemen and fainting women in ripped bodices on the cover)

Steve: Oh homie, get some dick. Watched Grease when he was 11 and had a boner he had to hide throughout the whole thing because he was sweating from John Travolta and Olivia Newman.

Eddie: way too gender to not be nonbinary (he/they king) also BISEXUALLL so bisexual like he radiates bisexual slut (affectionate) Maybe pansexual? He also gives pansexual vibes in a total “*shrug* ass is ass, man” kinda way.  Was that one kid who was kissing boys in secret when he was 6 and putting on lipstick before having a crisis at 14 and sadly became a total shithead before going back to being a nerd at 16. Blows men at truck stops without shame.

Billy: Fakes being straight but is the biggest fag in history like stone butch has had affairs with 13 different men. Makes women want to leave their husbands but even more so makes men leave their wives. He does drag and is intense enough that if anyone tries to make fun of them he’ll beat their asses until they’d have to be scraped off the floor with a spatula.

Eleven: Ok so like, really heteromantic but experimental with girls. Asexual but doesn’t really understand her asexuality so developed a pretty shitty mindset of thinking something was wrong with her. Max being educated on this helped her understand herself better probably.

Max: B I S E X U A L all the way omg. Fucking definition of hot bi girl. I’d say also poly?? She’s the girl that Joan Jett is singing about in AC/DC. 

Lucas: Just told people he was a spicy straight after he was caught making out with a guy. Actually bisexual but has a shit ton of internalized biphobia. Which leads to shit getting rocky with max sometimes.

Mike: Oh god he needs to get dicked down even harder than Steve he has so much internalized homophobia. I’m not even going to call him bi he just feels so gay it ain’t even funny.

Dustin: panromantic asexual. I dunno how to elaborate but his mom bought him a barbie when he asked for one. He’s just chill about his sexuality doesn’t get the big whoop about why it’s so important. He doesn’t really like pride but went to a parade wearing a pan flag with Suzie who’s pan as well and he’s super supportive of her .

Will: Toned down gay, similar to Dustin where he really doesn’t give a shit about sexuality like has a very “gay isn’t different to straight so let’s all just be treated as equal it should just be considered normal” mentality. Tho I reckon he’s the sort that would throw a brick through a window if he had to. More punk scene activist less Yas Queen 

Jonathan: Aroace, depressed and felt desperate to feel something so convinced himself he was in love with Nancy. Still unaware of what he is :(

Joyce: Bisexual. No elaboration. 

Chrissy: Pansexual. She looks like a walking pansexual flag.

I probably missed some people out lol i’m just tired <3

[miragemirrors]

so, if you've seen my bio update you might be surprised to learn i am cis now and wonder how and why did this happen. maybe you're worried for me, worried that i was somehow coerced into it and that i'm sure to change my mind later if things are "better", or worried that i might become an enemy because of this realisation.

honestly, the dread i felt around this reaction has been what has been holding me back for a really long time. honestly a lot of dread regarding how people might react to me has been holding me back every since i realised i wasn't as asexual as i thought i was and the gender crisis it threw me into and the, for a long time, horrifying realisation that i am only attracted to women, and within that, more specifically femmes.

now you may ask, why was that a horrifying realisation?

...because i am an extremely moral person by way of autism. i had identified as bisexual as a young teen because i felt it was what was morally right, and then after when i realised my attraction to men was not really there then it must've meant i was not attracted to anyone, because it's moral to treat everyone equally.

realising i had a "bias" i could not by any means change was shattering to my worldview. it made me feel like inherently a moral failure for not being equal opportunity with my sexuality.

and how does this relate to my gender? at the time i had that realisation, i had been identifying as a trans man because i felt that was the natural course of action given my disconnect from societal expectations of what a woman was meant to be, and that it was safe to be a man if i had no attractions. however, feeling really truly attracted to a woman and aware of it for the first time made it all really confusing, because i was attracted to her as a woman myself, but i didn't want to backtrack on my strongly moralised decisions.

so i was grey-ace bigender for a while. then i was a just nonbinary aromantic lesbian (because i felt i could never trust anybody enough to be in a romantic relationship that fulfilled me). then i was a very nonbinary transother stone butch lesbian (because i couldn't be a woman, i had to be something else by virtue of all my shortcomings, and because i didn't trust anyone to ever touch me)

and of course, i felt incredibly pressured to moralise my gender and sexuality to extreme levels. if i were doomed to commit the moral failure of "discriminating" on the basis of gender with my attraction, i had to level it out by rejecting binary definitions by way of gender. but it was never enough. the guilt of a bias still ate at me.

being into a loving relationship for now close to a year and cutting myself off from spaces that hurt me and made me feel like an immoral being as a woman-aligned person and a lesbian, i increasingly came to realise that many of the things i thought i could never want or have because of fear of mistreatment i now could have, and that i did want those things. i wanted a lot of things that had once caused me dread because of my lack of trust and self acceptance and unwillingness to lose "control" or to break my ridiculously strict moral code.

this all made me... increasingly increasingly increasingly comfortable in myself, as i had someone to confide into fully without (as much) fear of judgement for the first time in my life.

and honestly, it is no coincidence that by loving a trans lesbian and becoming more deeply acquaintance that being a woman and a lesbian could be more and not so prescriptive as people tend to think and enforce, more and more i began dropping my reservations towards just being a woman.

but my deeply held moral core felt horrified at that. because that would mean i am accepting what was thrust upon me, that i would not be rejecting the gender binary enough as woman that just likes women, and especially as a butch who only likes femmes.

writing helped me process this whole thing. while zero sum and subsequent installments of zero downtime aren't fully autobiographical (zero is... considerably more troubled in her actions than me, because he had little moral filter at first, and they got to transition while i didn't because of lack of support), the more i developed this story the more i felt... like i could just be and it was fine. no one was hating me or treating me badly for what i wrote. and my girlfriend and friends were applying my journey to other characters too when it was pertinent, and that made me feel seen and loved as i am

so maybe i am not morally corrupt for being a woman, for liking women, for being attracted and fascinated by femininity as someone who doesn't subscribe to it but is still a woman. maybe it's fine to just be me. the personal doesn't have to be The Most Morally Upstanding Choice at all times.

however this whole ordeal has made me keenly aware that the majority of people who *don't* subscribe to weirdly prescriptive notions of what being a woman has to be are trans women. seriously, most tme people on this website who talk at length about gender hold very prescriptive and judgemental views of womanhood and what is Moral regarding it and being exposed to all of this for years did not do good for my mental health and sense of self.

there was also the weirdness regarding people who detransition (which technically i did not do. because i was never given support and autonomy enough to transition in the first place and i will always resent that even if i feel i would've regretted it). the constant bringing up that actually the great majority of detransitioners are still trans and just don't have enough support, so we don't have to worry about such a small demographic (....familiar thought process, isn't it). and that made me feel like i would never be taken seriously at my word, at "backtracking", even if it is not, as my understanding of who i am is fuller than it's ever been

i am freeing myself from that fear and alienation. i don't have to be beholden by what anyone else thinks of me. the fear of judgement really is a fucking mind killer.

so i am fine. this is a good development for me. i am not your enemy and i would ask you not be mine in return.

sorry for huge fucking post. love from kira

[writterings]

Hi I appreciate this is a personal question so if you’re not comfortable answering there is absolutely no pressure to, but how did you know you were a trans guy and not a butch lesbian? Because I’m having a bit of an identity crisis atm and I’m finding it hard to find resources etc to help me. I hope you’re having a pleasant day/evening/night

well first i figured out that i wasn't a lesbian to begin with. i genuinely was attracted to men, but i didn't really acknowledge that aspect of myself because loving women felt more radical to me and, tbh, i was also afraid of men at that point in my life for trauma reasons. also i had been raised catholic and so loving girls when i was a girl was just so liberating to me and felt so good. but i was still attracted to men and getting a crush on a dude helped me first realize i wasn't a lesbian. this is obviously just my experience, of course, and isn't universal.

and of course, there can be GNC/butch bi women - but this next part is what really cinched it to me.

when i had a crush on that guy i mentioned, he actually had assumed i was a trans guy/non-binary but trans masc leaning. and he was gay, so he was only attracted to me if i was a man/man-aligned. we didn't know each other that well so there was so there was a lot of miscommunication on each of our parts about my gender and his sexuality. but him seeing me as a guy and me liking that he was attracted to me as a guy -- well, just opened up a whole new world of gender euphoria. i had never conceptualized myself as a guy before and having someone else view me as such without me telling them explicitly how i wanted to be viewed?? that was gender euphoria to the max. again, not everyone's experience, but that was mine.

after that, i started experimenting more. changed my identity to "nb trans masc bisexual" or smth along those lines. it probably switched per week and i probably even went back to butch lesbian at times just because it felt right. (this guy and i never dated, and i wasn't dating anyone else at the time so i had a bit more freedom in switch my labels without people being like "if you're a lesbian why are you dating a guy??") eventually my mom "accused" me of being a trans guy (she wasn't accepting at first but now is very supportive) and pointed out all the obvious "facts" towards it and i was like "oh fuck i guess i'm a trans guy, huh"

("facts" here being stereotypes and the assumption that just because an AFAB person dresses masculine that they're trans, but that's besides the point)

but even after that, i still struggled with whether i was actually a butch lesbian/bi woman or a trans man. this is mainly because in my relative case, being a butch lesbian would have been easier as my parents at the time would have preferred me being GNC & gay but cis (or nb but not open about it), instead of outright trans. (again this is in my relative case, and is not a statement that reflects everyone's reality nor how systemic oppression works)

right now i'm happy as a trans man and i think this is the label that describes my experiences the best and it's the label i prefer. i'll probably die with this label, though the one for my sexuality often changes.

SO basically i just said all this to kinda give you an idea of how fucky gender can be, especially with the added equation of figuring out your sexuality. as a society, we often associate loving women with being a man, and loving men with being a woman, so we always have to deconstruct these internalized aspects of ourselves whenever figuring something out like this. or, at least, that's how i feel about it as i only realized i was a man when another man i wanted to love recognized me as one, shattering the internalized idea (that i wasn't even aware of) i had that if i loved a man, that it made me a woman. so, basically, if you're struggling then i recommend analyzing your sexuality a bit too and your concepts of how love/sex relates to gender for you.

also, if i'm honest, a good way start to determining your gender is just finding out what label is the easiest for you to exist in. i identified as a butch lesbian for a long time because it was the easiest for me to identify as, and because it felt better than anything i knew before. when i realized i wasn't a butch lesbian, and even after i realized i was a trans guy, i still didn't give people a label if they asked me. it wasn't their business and i was ultimately unsure. it was easier that way to identify unaligned or as another gender, despite how it wasn't reflective of how i actually felt. and that's a valid experience in itself!

but after you are finally to a point in which you don't have to care about "easy" over "happiness" then i recommend trying to discover what gender/label makes you the happiest. being a trans man has been hard and the opposite of easy, especially in the early years when it came to my parents and me acknowledging my gender dysphoria, but it is what makes me the happiest. being a butch lesbian was a great experience for me, and i have a lot of love for that version of myself. however, being a man is a whole other level for me - to the point where every moment ISN'T euphoric. it's just normal, it's just right, it's just who i am. i no longer get excited when being gendered or seen as a man - just because it's normal. the happiness of it is just now a regular part of my life. whereas when i was a a butch lesbian, i was constantly aware of how happy my presentation made me feel - or how unhappy i was still being seen as a woman.

at the end of the day, you don't need a label unless you want one. you're allowed to just exist however you are. you can even use multiple labels, mess with typical ones, or even make stuff up. there's no rules to this shit.

anyways, again, these are all just my experiences and my life. my advice may not be applicable towards you, but i still hope there was something you could glean out of it. good luck on everything!

[thedreadvampy]

like actually yeah PLEASE can we talk about how a lot of younger people in the queer community (and also some not younger people) seem to think that

a) visibility is the same thing as social power (both gay men and trans women have appeared regularly in media for decades of not centuries, usually as the butt of jokes; flaboyant queerness and gender nonconformity are often visible in media but that's generally been used to mock and target flamboyantly queer, GNC and trans people, not out of some sort of respect or social empowerment. Like representation and visibility are important tools to achieve social empowerment but they're also used to remove it and the fact that, say, there's more transfem characters than transmasc in media is not bc transfem people have social power it's because they've been considered a joke or a source of horror or a social deviance in themselves)

b) cis gay men, especially camp/gnc gay men, hold broad social privilege/are exaggerating when they talk about oppression (what are you on? what are you on????? broad social acceptance of male queerness has come on in leaps and bounds over my lifetime but you don't need to even look back as far as the early 2000s to see how many people in society hate and fear gay and bi men. right now! people are excluded from their families and communities because of the whisper of gayness! right now look at the world and tell me one person in a position of power who's a ~stereotypically flamboyant gay~ who's not a media personality. look at how quickly people jump to joking about homosexuality when they don't like someone. like gay men and bi men are still at exceptionally high risk of violence around the world! and I'm not just talking about the many countries which still have the death penalty or severe punishments for same-sex activity, although also YEAH WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THAT.)

c) just in general, that the social politics of the specific queer communities they move in are reflective of the world as a whole (like yeah ok maybe GNC gay men, butches and trans lesbians have all the clout in One Specific Social Media Sphere you move in. maybe everyone around you understands the nuances of nonbinary identity. maybe everyone uses the same language. but that doesn't mean that the social hegemony of the world at large privileges GNC people and trans people, differentiates between nonbinary and GNC, or cares what language you use to describe yourself. We've come a long way but sometimes I think we're at risk of getting complacent and losing our solidarity for other members of the community bc we project our understanding of the power dynamics of a small community onto the power dynamics of an extremely hierarchical society full of people who've only learnt trans people are a real thing in like the last decade and who've mostly known about queerness as a threat)

d) that "queer" and "LGBTQ+" are synonyms (this is a matter of opinion I guess but my opinion is they're NOT! Queerness as a reclamatory identifier is a political stance! It's inherently radical; it's anti-assimilationist, activist, community-focused and founded in confrontational pride in your """"deviance""""" (as well as being heavily but not exclusively associated with leftism, anarcho-socialism, and mutual aid). Not every LGBTQ+ person is queer and that's fine. and the power of queerness comes from the reclamation of homophobic and transphobic rhetoric. so like queer may not be a slur now (let's not get into that) but it's not just ahistorical to claim it never was a slur, it also robs the word of its political and reclamatory power. Gayness, transness, bisexuality, asexuality et al are statements of being; queer is a statement of intent.)

e) that anything is Just The Facts (identity is in a constant state of flux. so is language. and appeals to history ignore the fact that debates about language and queer politics are as old as the queer community - there's very rarely been total consensus on the minute nuances of language. and personal identity is in flux too - you're not lying if you said you were ace and now you say you're straight, if you said you were a lesbian and now consider yourself a gay man, if you said you were bi and now you say you're a lesbian. sexuality and community are messy and complex and personal and often change over time. nothing's locked in unless you want it to be)

f) that queer history started in the 2000s/the 90s/the AIDS crisis/Stonewall (the queer/LGBTQ+ community has had an activist and social history for centuries and the modern gay/queer solidarity movement goes back at least a hundred years. so does explicit oppression of those groups. you can't just point to the 90s and say Look The Beginnings Of Our History)

[fandomshatelgbtqpeople]

mod a’s lgbt musicals

Hi there! I’m a big theatre kid so I thought for pride month I’d put together a list of LGBTQ musicals. Despite its association with queer people, musical theatre is not known for its amazing representation. I’ve put together a list here of musicals I know of with queer characters. I’ve tried to avoid those where the queer characters are incredibly minor roles or those where the representation is just not good enough to be salvageable (*side eyes Legally Blonde*) I know there are many musicals I will have missed out but these are the ones I am most aware of. Feel free to add more! So without further ado, here it is.

Fun Home

The big Tony winner of 2015! Based on Alison Bechdel, a butch lesbian cartoonist. At the age of 43, she looks for new material by trying to explore her past and her relationship with her closeted gay dad. Looks back at a version of herself when she was 10 and a “tomboy” and at 19 when she came out and got her first girlfriend. Has very cute lighthearted moments as well as very sad moments. Has a beautiful song where small Alison sees a butch deliverywoman. Problems in that since the original broadway cast, Alison’s costume has got less butch. Content warning for suicide.

Here’s their Tony performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMAuesRJm1E

The Color Purple

Based on Alice Walker’s novel about black women in the 1930s. Follows Celie who has been abused by men her whole life who discovers she is a lesbian but also makes a journey of self discovery and learns to love herself. Her love interest is a bisexual woman. Won best revival at the Tonys in 2016. Content warning for discussion/implied sexual abuse.

Here’s their Tony performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k2xzQyT2bk

Everybody’s Talking About Jamie

A teenage gay boy in Sheffield wants to be a drag queen and go to prom in a dress.Also a nice touch that is does not focus on him having a relationship (since he is sixteen) and him having to come out as he is already out. Focuses on his close relationship with his supportive mother. Has a diverse cast. Jamie is currently played by a black actor and his best friend wears a hijab and has a very diverse ensemble as well. Unfortunately has a part where Jamie responds to a homophobic bully by calling him a bunch of ableist and classist slurs.

Here’s a clip of the most popular song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7C3FuFWDdw

The Prom

Emma is a lesbian teenager in Indiana whose prom is cancelled by the PTA after she requests to bring her girlfriend to it. A group of Broadway actors come down to help her campaign to be allowed to attend prom, as well as styling her, helping her work on her confidence and educating the town’s people. What ensues is basically a two hour musical episode of Queer Eye. Cheesy and fun with so many musical theatre references crammed in. My one issue is that the show is rather harsh on people who are closeted since Emma has conflicted with her girlfriend Alyssa because she is not ready to come out.

Here’s a clip of their Tony performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGcG_r5xv3E

Rent

Probably the most well known on this list. Artists in New York during the AIDS crisis. Two of the main couples featured are queer: Maureen is bisexual and in a relationship with Joanne who is a lesbian, and Angel is a transgender woman of color in a relationship with Collins, a presumably bisexual man. However, she tends to be played bi cis men and there are instances of her being misgendered by the main characters uncritically. In Rent Live (2019), all instances of her being misgendered were removed and her gender identity was confirmed. She was played in this by Valentina, an nb drag queen and has also been played by Pose’s MJ Rodriguez, a trans woman. Very diverse with Jewish characters and people of colour and in the live show, only 1 of the 8 main characters was white. Has been criticised over the years, mainly for its biphobic portrayal of Maureen who is promiscuous and implied to cheat, but in the 90s did a lot for the LGBTQ community and is more progressive than a lot of media even now.

Here’s a clip of Maureen and Joanne from Rent Live: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06oCfKYYPTY

And here’s some Angel and Collins: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hl-M94o_x8

Falsettos

Marvin comes out as gay in the late 70s but decides to move his ex wife and son in with his boyfriend. Addresses AIDS crisis in Act 2. Has “lesbians from next door” in act 2. F Revived on Broadway in 2016. All of the characters are Jewish. Unfortunately, in revival casts, very few actors tend to be Jewish.

Here’s the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjnAHOdMQVk

Come From Away

In the aftermath of 9/11, 38 planes are diverted to a small town in Canada called Gander. Shows people of different races and nationalities bonding in a scary time. Addresses Islamophobia. Has one song called Prayer where prayers from different religions overlap. Has an interracial gay couple called Kevin and Kevin. They break up in the end but are very important characters. Won best direction of a musical in 2017. The Broadway production starred Jenn Colella who has referred to herself as ‘mostly gay’.

Here’s a clip of Jenn Colella singing a song from the musical: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8ukgH6U-d0

Head Over Heels

Honestly I don’t quite know what this musical is about, even by reading the plot summary and listening to the soundtrack. I know it’s set in a Tudor fantasy world and that there are wlw couples as well as an explicitly non binary character, played by Peppermint, a trans woman, and that there are interracial couples and plus sized actors. It is a jukebox musical using songs by the Go-Gos and yes the wlw anthem that is Heaven is a Place on Earth is one of them. The soundtrack is fantastic even if you can’t follow what is going on.

Here are some show clips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx2qQ7QAPm0

Spring Awakening

German school kids in the 19th century discovering their sexuality. Two of the schoolboy supporting characters, Ernst and Hänschen, have a romance when they have a reprise of an earlier song in Act 2.  A BIG content warning as it has graphic discussions of rape and songs about it and a sex scene with very dubious consent. However there was a very wonderful 2016 revival using deaf actors and sign language.

This is another one you can very easily find the full show of on YouTube which I won’t link. However here’s the Tony performance for the revival: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSagsMcak4Q

If/Then

A woman named Elizabeth (originally played by Idina Menzel) moves to New York after a divorce and contemplated how different her life would be if she took two different paths. Four supporting queer characters. Her ex-boyfriend is bisexual and played by Anthony Rapp (who is bisexual in real life) and he gets a boyfriend in one timeline. Another of her friends is a lesbian called Kate who marries her girlfriend in the musical. Problems occur as in both timelines, cheating goes on in the lesbian relationship although they stay together in one. Elizabeth also says she doesn’t believe in bisexuals, a view no one ever challenges her on, however Lucas is very clearly bisexual which is some proof for the audience that she is wrong.

I’m not going to link it here but there are many very high quality bootlegs on it on YouTube if you want to watch,

Ghost Quartet

A bit of a weird one. This is more of a concept album. There are four performers who each play instruments and they tell the stories of many interconnected timelines. It is very hard to explain but there are souls travelling through time who keep being reincarnated as different people with different relationships to each other which usually end with one woman killing the other. In the song Soldier & Rose, the ghosts Rose and Pearl are lovers as Rose seduces the soldier for her honey.  In the song Four Friends, for one chorus the men sing “I like to put my hand on a pretty girls’s knee” and the women sing “pretty boy’s knee” and then they switch for the next chorus so they’re all bisexual. In general, a lot of fun if you like weird musicals and I mean really weird.

The full show is online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJSaEJm8pCE

Mean Girls

Yes there’s a musical of it. I was not looking forward to it when it was announced but have actually grown to quite like it. It’s hardly lyrical genius but the songs are fun and a lot of the problematic aspects of the film have been fixed. Damian is more explicitly gay in the musical and sings about an ex boyfriend in one song. Janis is heavily implied to be a lesbian (confirmed by actress offstage) and she doesn’t end up with Kevin Gnapoor. She is played by a queer actress in the tour cast. Both queer characters are much bigger roles than in the movie and get several songs each. I’d consider the musical to be quite white feminist but it does address issues such as the sexualisation of teenage girls and the notion that to be ‘sexy’ is ‘empowering’.

Here’s a clip of one of Damian’s songs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-zM6QKkxEQ

& Juliet

An English jukebox musical about what might have happened to Juliet in Romeo and Juliet if she had not died at the end. I haven’t seen it but I’ve listened to the soundtrack and it is mainly comprised of 21st century songs by women. One of Juliet’s best friends is non binary although is played by a cis man as far as we know. Also I went to the same school as one of the actors which is a bonus for me. Very diverse cast.

Here’s a trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dm2k9nS3o20

In Transit

A capella musical about several people’s adventures on New York public transport. Two of the main characters in this ensemble cast are an interracial gay couple where both are pocs. They are engaged but one of them is having trouble coming out to his mother. I found it refreshing in that his fiance for the most part was not upset with him at his struggles in coming out and they were both able to live fulfilling lives despite this. I am always astonished by the talent of a cappella singers.

Here’s a trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhvik6qoass  Another one where the bootleg can be found very easily on YouTube

Firebringer

Remember A Very Potter Musical? Well, the company that did that are still putting out new pieces of theatre on their YouTube channel. In 2016, they put out their ridiculous comedy musical Firebringer, about a group of bisexual cavewomen. I won’t spoil the ending but trust me, it’s great. You may know it from the viral clip of one of the main characters singing ‘I don’t really wanna do the work today.’

You can watch the full musical here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmVuNlu0LCk

Special Mentions

Company

Musical by Stephen Sondheim about a man unable to commit to a relationship, surrounded by his friends who are all in couples. However, the award-winning 2018 West End revival chose to change the genders of some of the characters. The main character Robert became ‘Bobbie’ (although all of her love interests were gender-swapped as well). One of the originally M/F couples became an M/M couple. It opened on Broadway for about a week before the Covid outbreak so that will be one to look out for.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtDK03y4gT0

In the Heights

A musical by Lin-Manuel Miranda about the Latin American community living in Washington Heights in New York. The original theatre production has no explicitly queer characters. However, in the upcoming movie version (that was meant to be released this summer but has been pushed back to next summer) it has been confirmed that the characters of Daniela and Carla (Daphne Rubin-Vega and Stephanie Beatriz) will be explicitly a couple.

I absolutely love this musical and the trailer for the movie looks beautiful check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0CL-ZSuCrQ

[vegannaise]

boys deserve love

i started realizing around 16 that i wasn’t cis. i flipflopped back and forth between different nonbinary identities, occasionally wondering (in private) if i was just simply a boy. i was already out as gay, and people already regarded me as a “tomboy”, so that helped alleviate some of my teenage discomfort.

I didn’t date a lot in highschool, partially because i was incredibly intimated by girls, partially because boys didnt pay too much romantic attention to me, and probably a little bit because i had 0 interest in sex all throughout my teenage years.

when i was 17 i had my first “serious” relationship. it was with a boy that coerced me into hooking up with him while i was nearly black out drunk (wow,, what a catch right???!!! thats a whole different story). as sad as this is, i finally felt like my existence was valid. i felt like i had finally achieved this unspoken goal of having someone love me in a romantic way, having someone find me desirable. i was happy for the first time in years.

of course, i was still trans and in the closet during all of this. one night, i was completely swallowed by my dysphoria. i was either on the floor or in front of the mirror crying because of how my body looked. i even ended up giving myself a stick n poke to avoid self harming. Mason (boy in question) was texting me throughout this, i think i had told him i wasn’t feeling good, but i didn’t want to tell him why. he eventually pressured me into telling him what was wrong, and i told him “i dont like my body. i want my body to be a different body. i want to have a BOYS body”.

for just a second, i pictured myself years in the future with a flat chest and stubble and a deep voice, my arms around Mason, who still loved me even though he was “straight” and i had transitioned.

sadly, this fantasy was violently ripped away as soon as i came back to reality. Mason had responded with clear discomfort, saying he wasn’t gay. i told him i knew he wasn’t gay, but wouldn’t he still love me for me??? i would still be the same person, so wouldn’t he still love me????? to which he prompty responded, firmly and bluntly, that if i were to transition and call myself a boy, he would break up with me.

this experience made me go back into the closet for 2 years.

fast forward to when i was 19, i was in a relationship with a transguy. since i grew up in a tiny homophobic town i was never able to date another trans person, and most likely put this person (lets call them...... Pickle) on a big ol’ pedestal because of that. Pickle had been out as trans for almost 5 years, and had been on T almost just as long. they were the first person to tell me that nonbinary people can be trans. they were the first person to actually make me feel seen and valid as not only a trans person, but as a boy.

i ended up coming out to them, in tears, as a transguy. i still felt really confused, i was a boy but didnt really feel connecting to masculinity. i wanted nothing more than to be a pretty boy but recoiled at seeing myself as a Man™. even though that relationship was incredibly toxic, Pickle supported me unconditionally through getting on hormones, they even bought me a new binder. they were the support i had desperately needed.

we had been dating for 8 months when i left town for a few days. something seemed off when i would text them, it felt like something was wrong, but they werent telling me what. Pickle was staying with me at the time, so i saw them as soon as i came back. they said they had something to tell me.

they told me that while i was out of town, they had had a major identity crisis, and realized that she was actually a butch lesbian. of course, i gave her a giant hug, i told her i loved her and that i was so happy she had figured this out about herself. thats when she started talking about us.

she told me that since she was a lesbian and i was a boy, we had to break up; as if this shouldve been obvious to me...... it wasn’t. as she sat there telling me things like “i still love you” and “and i wish things could be different” we both cried. a lot. i still couldnt wrap my head around what was happening. here she was, telling me she wishes things were different so we can be together, why couldnt we just be together as is??? if you want to be with someone, why does it matter if they’re a boy or a girl??? especially when you’ve already been together for 8 months??? it felt like it had a lot more to do with other peoples perceptions of us, it wasn’t because i was a boy, it was because she didnt think she’d be seen as a lesbian dating a genderqueer boy.

the next day i confronted her about this. i was so confused, i had given myself a headache and multiple panic attacks trying to figure out what the fuck i was feeling. she told me that she felt like we should break up anyway, that her realizing shes a lesbian was just “the final nail in the coffin”. i found myself even more hurt and confused than before. id told Pickle all about Mason, how i went back in the closet because i was scared of him leaving me. i told her about all the shame i had accumulated over the course of my relationship with Mason. despite her knowing all this, she still decided to scapegoat our own identities, rather than just own up to the fact that our relationship was falling apart already.

this experience made me question my entire identity, the identity i had JUST started feeling valid in. this experience made me eventually stop taking hormones. this experience made me feel more invaild and undesirable than ever before.

during this time, i started to also ID myself as a (nonbinary) lesbian. i had felt my attraction to men dwindle, and i was grappling with my attraction to women. but more than anything else, i convinced myself that being a boy = being hated. looking “like a boy” = being ugly and undesirable. not only did this feed into terf rhetoric, but its a result of being told my whole life that my worth is directly tied to my level of attractiveness, and that no one would find me attractive if i looked the way i wanted to.

it felt so much easier to stay how i was. all i wanted was to be seen as queer, and since people already read me as a lesbian, i might as well just settle for that, right? at least people would get it. at least people would see me.

i’m 22 now, and ive really only just started to deconstruct these things and unlearn my internalized transphobia and self hatred. about 6 months ago i started calling myself a boy and using he/him pronouns again, and for once i actually feel safe. for once i actually have a good support network. for once i actually feel seen. for once i actually feel loved.

to anyone who actually bothered to read this all the way through: healing is not linear and our identities sure as shit arent. if you’re in the closet right now, or if you’re questioning your gender/sexuality for the first or fifth or tenth time: i see you. i love you. you are so valid in your fear and confusion. the world still actively hates LGBT people, and that internalized fear is so real and deserves to be acknowledged, but please believe me when i say that there ARE people out there who hold the deepest love, appreciation, and camaraderie for you, even if you dont know them yet. your existence as an LGBT person in this world is inherently radical, please don’t ever forget that.

[sapphicscholar]

hi so I didn't know who to ask but in my psych class we're learning about adolescent psychology, & there was this unit on developing interest in relationships. It went way into detail on how the brain changes during that time, which was interesting, but ofc my gay ass couldn't relate. at the end all it said was 'it's different for homosexuals.' I guess I'm wondering if you know of any way to learn about psychology relating to LGBT people? srsly im thirsty for anything in academia I can relate to

(same psych anon) that was a pretty specific question so I guess like do you have any info or know of any links/ websites/places to learn about lgbt history and lives and stuff like that in an academic way? bc I love school & learning but I’ve always wanted to learn more about myself and people like me, but they never teach that in schools.

Oh my gosh SO MANY THINGS! Okay, so, the psych stuff is pretty outside of my knowledge but I asked my gf (she does the science in this relationship while my gay ass just reads a whole lot of books), and she recommends Helen Fisher and looking at the researchers at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality or the Kinsey Institute, as well as The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ Studies (it’s an online resource a lot of universities subscribe to). But I’d also say that as far as thinking about developmental narratives, LGBTQ memoirs are a great place to start, especially since so many of them go through their own experiences of having to confront this heteronormative, cis-centric narrative that just doesn’t fit them and their lives. 

So some good queer history authors are: John D’Emilio (comprehensive, if a bit male-centric), Lillian Faderman (writing all about lesbian history, including more recent history; very well-respected; she’s got some issues in her scholarship that by no means discount it as a whole, but I’m happy to talk more about if you want), Michael Bronski (his Queer History of the United States is really accessible), George Chauncey (it’s just of NYC, but still fun), Estelle B. Freedman, Foucault (though it’s not quite “history,” it’s a kind of history meets theory of regimes of power and how sexuality got tied up in that), Martha Vicinus (I adore her), Valerie Traub (goes all the way back to the early modern period), and so many others who really focus more on niche history, so I won’t list them here. There are some web resources, but I know a lot of them are databases that are subscription-based. I’ll see what I can’t dig up in the next couple of days as far as free websites. I know they exist; it’s just a matter of having the time to look…

Okay, you didn’t specifically say you were interested in literature but bc I taught literature and think it’s a great way to learn about the history of a group, I’m gonna list some anyway and you can feel free to disregard!

Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt (or Carol, depends on the year it was printed) – you can also check out the movie! I find the two to be complementary (the book gives you Therese’s POV almost exclusively, whereas the movie shows much more of Carol’s story) 

Alison Bechdel, Fun Home is her graphic novel/memoir that’s really excellent, but the comic strip that sort of launched her as a public persona (at least within the lesbian community) was Dykes to Watch Out For, quite a bit of which is available for free online

Henry James, The Bostonians – one of the first recognizable depictions of a queer female character in literature (not really…I’d trouble that as a professor, but that’s how it gets taught in general, and it was one of the first books where even contemporary reviewers were quick to note that there was something “wrong” or “morbid,” which was 19th C. code for what would come to be understood as lesbian sexuality, about Olive Chancellor) – free online, though it’s James at his most….Jamesian, which means it’s not that accessible

The poetry of Emily Dickinson! It’s all free online. There’s a ton of it, though much of it isn’t obviously queer

James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room – gets into bisexual identity in a way a lot of works don’t do; on the sadder side…fair warning 

Virginia Woolf! Especially Orlando or Mrs. Dalloway – the former has been called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (to Woolf’s longtime friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West) and deals with the fluidity of gender and time; the latter has quite a few flashbacks to the brief childhood romance of the protagonist and her friend. Both of them are great, but Woolf, as a modernist, can have a writing style that’s difficult to get into at first (for instance, time really isn’t stable or linear, which is something I adore about her, but definitely takes some getting used to). They’re both available free online through Project Gutenberg

Radclyffe Hall, The Well of Loneliness – it’s a classic, in the sense that it’s one of those books people sort of expect you to have read if you do lesbian literature. It’s certainly an interesting story and told well, but it’s not even close to a happy ending and is rather conciliatory to prevailing norms (though even still it was taken to the courts under the  obscenity laws) - free online, though!

Sarah Waters – a contemporary novelist who writes almost all historical fiction about queer women! Some of her stories are better known (e.g. Tipping the Velvet), but they’re pretty much all great. Varying degrees of angst, but definitely an accessible read

Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts – sort of experimental in form (it’s fiction with footnotes!); it deals with a lesbian woman coming to terms with her partner’s transition and her own identity during the process 

E.M. Forster, Maurice – even though it was first drafted in the 1910s, Forster edited it throughout his life, and, given the subject matter, which was also autobiographical, and the prevailing attitudes at the time, the book was only published posthumously in the 70s

Colette’s Claudine series – it’s long (multi-volume) but sort of a classic – they’re all old enough to be free online, though the English translation is harder to come by 

Eileen Myles – lesbian poet and novelist – I’d recommend Inferno but some of her poetry is free online 

Rita Mae Brown – Rubyfruit Jungle and Oranges Are not the Only Fruit are both quite good, though, especially the latter deals with religiously-motivated homophobia, so I know at least my girlfriend, who dealt with a lot of that from her family, opted not to read it for her own mental health. 

Tony Kushner, Angels in America – this two-part play deals with the AIDS crisis in America – it’s been turned into a TV miniseries, a Broadway play, and a movie, some of which are available online

Really anything by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs – both are gay authors who deal a lot with short stories (a ton of memoir/autobiographical stuff) – the former is a bit funnier, but they both have enough sarcasm and dry wit even in dark situations to make them fast reads 

Alan Ginsburg’s poetry 

Walt Whitman’s poetry (though it can be really fucking racist) 

Binyavanga Wainaina, One Day I Will Write About This Place – does deal with issues of sexual abuse as a warning 

Anything by Amber Hollibaugh (she writes a lot about class and butch/femme dynamics – quite a bit of her stuff has been scanned and uploaded online) 

Michelle Tea – was a slam poet; recovering alcoholic; fantastically funny and talented author and delightful human being if you ever get the chance to meet her or go to one of her readings

Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On – more a work of investigative journalism than anything, the work is a stunning indictment of the indifference of the US government during some of the worst years of the AIDS crisis, but it also provides a good bit of gay history 

Terry Galloway Mean Little Deaf Queer – deals with one woman’s experience of losing her hearing and navigating the world and the Deaf and deaf communities as a once-hearing person – she’s sort of acerbic and always funny;

Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex – grapples with intersex identity in a way that’s still far too rare in literature 

Theodore Winthrop, Cecil Dreem – just rediscovered about two years ago, this is one of the few pretty happy gay novels from the nineteenth century! Free online!

Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues – pretty clear from the title, but deals with a butch character’s struggles with gender identity (takes T to pass for a while, but then gets alienated from the lesbian community; eventually stops taking T, but still struggles with what that means for her) – Feinberg’s wife made it free online for everyone after Feinberg’s death (the book had a limited print run, which made finding copies both hard and expensive) 

Harvey Fierstein, Torch Song Trilogy – trilogy later adapted for film about an effeminate gay man (who also performs as a drag queen) and his life and family   

Oscar Wilde – his novels aren’t explicitly gay, but they often dance around it thematically, at least; his heartbreaking letter, De Profundis, which he wrote to his lover while imprisoned for “gross indecency,” is available online 

Anything by Dorothy Alison 

Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - great as a memoir and a cultural history  

There’s so many more but this is so my jam I suspect I’ve already rambled too long

If you’re interested in film, here are a few: 

Paris Is Burning (a film about drag ball culture in NYC) 

Fire – Deepa Mehta (it’s on YouTube in the US) 

Boys Don’t Cry – there is a lot of homophobia and transphobia in the film, so it’s definitely one you’ll want to be in the right mindset to watch (I, for one, have only watched it once) 

But I’m a Cheerleader – over-the-top mockumentary-esque film that satirizes conversion therapy and the Christian “documentaries” that claimed to showcase their successes (RuPaul is in it as well) 

Desert Hearts – one of the earliest films to leave open the possibility of a happy ending for the lesbian couple 

Hedwig and the Angry Itch – deals with gender identity and feelings of not belonging (also a fabulous musical) 

Philadelphia – about one man’s experience of discrimination while dying of AIDS 

There are plenty of lighter films, but I figure these tend to also talk more seriously about some issues as well

I don’t know if anyone but me made it to the end of this post, but there’s also so much fun queer theory out there that I won’t get into here, but I’m always up for giving more recommendations!