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#and my friend has been wonderful and sent me a ton of things from disabled butches on Twitter and also zines on butchness and shit
nope-body · 1 year
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#on the gender/sexuality(?) crisis that I have not brought up here#I want to be able to be butch. but my brain says no. someone else has to validate it and it can’t just be a you asking it has to happen#naturally which is frustrating because like. what am I supposed to do??#but also butchness- queer masculinity- is so often tied to physical ability#which I do not have a ton of and am also sorta progressively losing?#which is it’s own scary thing. like last night my knee actually fully buckled under my weight when I tried to stand up#and that’s scary! that’s never happened to me before!!#but back to the whole gender crisis- I want to be butch. I want to be able to be butch#and my friend has been wonderful and sent me a ton of things from disabled butches on Twitter and also zines on butchness and shit#but everything that talks about disabled butches talks about how the larger lesbian/butch&femme/queer community doesn’t recognize that as#valid butchness for lack of better terms? like there’s just a ton of ableism and disabled butches face an uphill battle to just be#recognized as butch. especially when it comes to the roles that butches are assumed to take on#both in a relationship but also just within the queer community#like you’ve seen the ‘no cops at pride just butches’ posts and things of that nature that circulate#butches are supposed to be strong. they’re supposed to fill the role of protector. of supporter. of fixer. of giver of help.#above all butches are supposed to give of themselves unto others#as a disabled person I cannot do that. disabled butches cannot do that.#(and this is not me saying that this mindset is good or this is the way it should be- just the way it is in the larger community)#I have the know-how to fix things. I have the skill. but extremely often I do not have the ability#and not just that- I often don’t have the ability to do basic daily tasks either. I have to ask for help#and how am I supposed to think of myself as butch when I’m constantly told it’s the butches who you ask for help from?#there’s also the added complexity of I’m Jewish. my version of queer masculinity is not just a subversion of western masculinity#but also jewish masculinity- which is often very different from western masculinity and is why so many jewish men get called effeminate!#like I’m going to end up subverting/queering a mix of both. but that’s also not going to really be recognized as butchness because of the#incredibly prevalent antisemitism in queer spaces! or if it is recognized as a subversion of masculinity it’ll only be western. not both#and I understand that I define my identity. no one else gets to. but I’m already fighting to be able to define it#without throwing butchness into the mix. and I don’t know if I have the energy to constantly fight back against all of it#I should really just read stone butch blues. I keep meaning to. it’s written by a disabled jewish butch#but I’m so tired so often and it’s just. hard to have the energy#I want to be butch. I want to be recognized as butch. but will anyone see my cane and still think butch?
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anonofseasons · 1 year
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The reason the rest of Seasons went up is that I figured I'd better just do it before I lost all drive to share ever again and didn't at least complete Seasons for the remaining readers. It's the only thing I've written (outside of fandom) that has gotten much attention. It was nice, and I really appreciate that anyone would read it. But outside of that, I cannot get more than the tiniest handful of people to care about what I write, and it has been that way for years. It's discouraging, I'll be honest. My already-low confidence keeps taking beatings. I used to be more active with fandoms and posting fics, but one fandom/ship soured the experience for me. (Long story short, a lot of that ship's writers were bullied out by much more prominent writers. One of those popular writers mocked content from my fics in vaguetweets every time I posted, and I couldn't keep calling it a coincidence after a while.) I'd hear "you only write manbabies" (yeah more than once) and "you write too much of this" or be told my characterization wasn't realistic. But mostly? It just goes ignored. So I think, "I have to work harder and be better so people will be interested in reading it."
I don't know how other people manage to get word out about their writing. AO3 is great for sharing what I don't plan to publish/what can't be published, but what about what I do want published? I want to be a career author. And I struggle bc I'm dealing with problems that have a hand in worsening each other: financial struggles, living with my shitty parents, and bad health/disabilities. I need something in my life to work out for once. The pressure is on to be successful at something, but I just keep getting older and physically worse. My friend is willing to take me in when they find a place, we hope that's this year, but I can't live off of them, and I can't just sometimes cook and clean when I have spoons to make up for that. I need an income. I want writing to work out. But it just dies on my social media, with very few interactions, if any at all. I had a ton of stuff I wanted to finish for Seasons this month and into October to share with everyone in my excitement. But I'm losing my will to share anything. I only feel foolish when I try. Everything I do only proves my critics right, so it's embarrassing. Why even bother to try? It's been fourteen years of trying to get anything I write seen. I don't plan to stop writing btw, it's the sharing that's so difficult. I've been told countless times to write for myself when I express my despair, and guess what? That's good advice I've been taking this entire time! Who else could I be trying to please at this point? I have no one to please lmao, it's just me doing stuff I wanna do! The reaction to the ending of Seasons has me hesitant to give up on sharing, bc clearly lots of people connected to it in different ways, and that's wonderful. It makes me think sharing isn't so bad! But I just don't know if - at my age and health - if I can keep trying. I have two books I want to self-publish soon, and they feel like they'll just end up like everything else I post over at @mcalhenwrites - 6 notes and 5 of them are my reblogs! (And it's the same across all social media platforms - or it's even worse.) I'm really thankful that sharing Seasons gave me a taste of what it was like to connect with people through my writing, though. I don't think any of the people who commented or sent me asks realize how much it really helped me through this year, but it did. I started to have a little hope that maybe it wasn't a skill issue on my part, at least? ;A; And here's the thing: I don't really hate my writing all that much. I just fear it's got things wrong with it that I can't recognize, and that's what's putting potential readers off. I do believe my hard work shows, but hard work =/= good enough. My style is getting closer to the skill level I dreamed of having. I'm proud of my characters. But what's missing? I know that being a creator of any kind - even professional - is extremely tough, especially right now. I know this is a struggle for a lot of authors, artists, etc. :'( I just... I want to write as a career so I can keep doing more of it. I rarely have the spoons to keep up with anything. Writing is flexible. I love doing it! I just want to explain how I feel and what I'm dealing with, and why I'm so desperate. If you read this, know that it really helps creators to have our work recommended, boosted, etc. Authors matter as much as artists. I've been trying to train myself for the nth time to not be online and talk about my writing in any capacity. It hasn't worked before - I'm always too stupid to commit to giving up - but at what point in 14 years of complete failure with a side of humiliation does one just learn to give up? And to give some further insight into my thinking process: when I uploaded the remaining chapters, I put Seasons in my private collection (which holds 87 of my works out-of-bounds to anyone but me) so I could upload all the chapters without risking annoying my subscribers. Since 11 chapters in one night is a bit much, eh? :') Ugh, idk why tumblr won't let me edit anything or post long stuff. So I'm cutting this short I guess!
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D, I and O
D: What was the first thing you ever contributed to a fandom?AhahahHAHAHAHA!!! Oh man, it was this. Something that I'm 100% sure is older than a lot of my followers. I can't even confirm exactly how old it is, because the website that I originally posted it on doesn't exist anymore.
I: Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why? So, once upon a time, in the days of yore, while I was still a total novice at this whole Fandom thing, I picked up a DVD from the library. What's this?? I thought. Someone made a modern version of my favourite literary characters??? Wow, I wonder if anyone else thinks these two guys are in love. I should check online! And in my naivete, I did. And for a while, it was great! Sure, I created my blog in the midst of the 'You shouldn't bite someone's dick without permission' discourse, and sure I was accused of appropriating my own culture because I didn't agree with the sentiment that an AU about the characters as cavemen(I think? Fuck it's been forever) was being maliciously racist, and sure I received dozens of death threats when I cited examples that suggested one of the characters was recovering from an ED, and SURE I eventually stopped writing for years after being repeatedly harassed and misgendered and threatened by readers when I asked them to stop speaking to me offensively. And SU- Sorry. Where was I going with this? Oh right! Eventually, the thing that put me off entirely was when a fandom divide cropped up and they started fighting over whether or not there was a Conspiracy involved with the writers/directors/media/actors/actors' wives/the fucking queen, i don't know. I figured it was just silly fun, and said I didn't buy into said Conspiracy. Hoo, boy. The flood of hate was epic. So when 'that side' started chirping on about how they were so sweet and kind and generous compared to their Enemies, I said 'Uh, and what about this message I got? And this one? And this other? And these thirty more?' which got a response of 'Oh, those are obviously from people on your side sending you those messages pretending to be True Believers, to make us look bad. Or you probably sent them to yourself.' At which point, I blocked about a hundred people, added a crap ton of stuff to my blacklist, disabled anon, and noped the fuck outta there. Kept the beloved friends I made, though!
O: Choose a song at random, what ship does it remind you of? This one reminds me of TimKon. Specifically 100 Failed Cloning Attempts TimKon.
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And this one isn't exactly random(and warning for lots of flashing lights), but it gives me of Constantine/First of the Fallen vibes.
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Specifically from the First's point of view...
With young, scruffy punk John.
Which I definitely haven't written.... *CoughDevil'sMusicCough*
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tarysande · 4 years
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Hey, I see you reblogging adhd stuff every now and when. I hope you're ok with me asking, how long have you known you have adhd? I am currently wondering if I have it and am sups unsure what to do about it.
I’m always okay with people asking about things I post!
Of course, because of the ADHD, I’m not always great at answering ;)
I’m especially willing to talk about ADHD because I know my journey to getting a diagnosis doesn’t follow the stereotypical path, and I’d be thrilled if my experience ends up helping other people out there.
My family doctor was the first person to ever mention ADHD to me. I was 36 at the time. Maybe 37. I’m 40 (wtf) now, turning 41 in a month (haha, wtf). I’ve had depression most of my life. At the time, I was deeply frustrated because my depression was well-managed, but I still couldn’t focus to save my life. When my doctor asked if I might have ADHD, I laughed and said, “With my grades*? Yeah, no.” *I was a straight-A student from elementary school through to the end of my BFA. HOWEVER, at uni I had a handful of ‘lower’ grades: a B-, a B, a B+ in classes I found A G O N I Z I N G L Y boring. I was also never a disruption in class—mostly because I entertained myself by writing novels and reading under my desk and listening to music by keeping my earphones under my long hair. The key was to answer a question in class right away, thereby diverting the teacher’s attention and leaving me to my own devices for the rest of the time.
The focus issues continued unabated. Months later, a good friend of mine who was also diagnosed with ADHD as an adult brought it up again, and this time I did a lot more research. And ... yeah, puzzle pieces started clicking together. A lot of them. 
I brought it up with my doctor, and she sent me to the one (1) psychiatrist in Vancouver who was a) covered by provincial healthcare and b) would deal with a potential ADHD diagnosis in a patient of my (advanced) age *stares into the camera like it’s the office*. He was a Real Jerk, but I did his bevy of tests and he reluctantly agreed that I matched all the criteria except that I had never done poorly in school or been a nuisance in class**. **these criteria are ridiculously outdated, often don’t apply to girls (or those who have inattentive-type or mixed-type ADHD), and should BY NO MEANS exclude anyone from an ADHD diagnosis. If, like me, you’re what they call “twice exceptional” (where being intellectually gifted can often mask the struggles associated with ADHD, autism, physical/learning disabilities), it’s EVEN EASIER to slip through the cracks. 
The psychiatrist upped my anti-depressants, which helped, but still did nothing for my focus. By the way? ADHD, especially in adults, is FREQUENTLY comorbid with other conditions like depression or anxiety. It’s almost like ... when your brain doesn’t do what you know it should do, WANT it to do, TRY TO MAKE IT DO, and you feel like a failure who’s not living up to her potential ... it makes you REALLY DEPRESSED!! Who knew?? After almost a year, I finally brought up the focus with my family doctor again, who was like, “Okay, let’s try some things, then.” Finding the right dose of ADHD meds is ... trial and error. And it’s exhausting. And sometimes you think you’ve figured it out, but you haven’t. I still haven’t landed on the BEST POSSIBLE solution for me, but I will tell you this: the difference in unmedicated-ADHD-Tara and medicated-ADHD-Tara is like night and day, even when my meds aren’t optimal. 
To give a very specific example, I’m a freelance writer and editor. My income from my first (medicated) year of running my own business full(ish) time was almost three times that of the unmedicated year before. This year, even with COVID throwing a lot of wrenches in a lot of gears, I’ve remained booked three to four months in advance, my focus is better, my self-worth is better (i.e., I charge what I know I’m worth), I’ve stood up for myself, I’ve *gasp* started planning(???). I’m not rolling around in piles of money, but I’m above the Canadian median.
I also speak to my therapist every two weeks (she’s wonderful—and she’s online, which is both cheaper and more accessible for me). I’m slowly understanding the value of meditation (if you have the Calm app I HIGHLY recommend Jeff Warren’s How to Meditate 30-day program. I’m on day 13. There’s no BS or vagueness; I love him.) I made an effort to change my diet and spend more time moving around outdoors. (Exercise is even more important for ADHD brains, it turns out.)
Now, none of this has been a magical cure-all. I’m in the middle of struggling with med dosage at the moment, which is freshly irritating. Even medicated, there are good days and bad days—which is totally normal. I just finished an editing project that nearly destroyed me because it was SO boring and I couldn’t get out of it (because I’d ADHD-procrastinated too long). Learning how to function in the neurotypical world with an atypical ADHD brain is WORK. There’s also a lot of emotion—grief, anger, frustration, joy—as you process the new information and mourn the time you spent lost, underachieving, “failing.”
One really great, really accessible resource is the YouTube channel How to ADHD. For people who want to dig into the science, I recommend Russell Barkley (HE IS SO SMART) and Ned Hallowell. There’s also a ton of information on ADDitude. Anyway, this is a lot of information, I know. There are some good self-tests on the ADDitude site. If you think you have it AND IT’S IMPACTING YOUR LIFE***, bring it up with your doctor. Know that you might run into some resistance because most ADHD meds can be (and are widely) abused, and people with actual ADHD get caught in that crossfire. Even though it’s hard because of ADHD’s effect on emotions (TOO MANY!! TOO STRONG!!), be prepared to face some scrutiny.  *** they’re always going to ask about how it’s negatively affecting your life.
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maddie-grove · 5 years
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The Top Twenty Books I Read in 2019
My main takeaways from the past year’s reading:
Sometimes you think something is happening because of magic, but then it turns out to have a non-magical explanation so weird that you find yourself saying, “You know what? I wish faeries or God were responsible for this. I’d honestly feel less disturbed.”
Stop bathing and changing your clothes and shaving for three years, three months, and three days. You’ll find out who your real friends are. I promise you that.
I want more books about bisexual ladies!!! Give them to me!!!
Anyway...
20. The Prodigal Duke by Theresa Romain (2017)
Childhood sweethearts Poppy Hayworth and Leo Billingsley were separated when his older brother, a duke, sent him away to make his fortune. Years later, the duke is dead, a financially successful Leo has come back to England to take his place, and Poppy has become a rope dancer at Vauxhall Gardens after a life-shattering event. New sparks are flying between them, but is love possible when so much else has changed? Leo and Poppy are believable and charming as old friends, Romain makes great use of obscure historical details from the oft-depicted Regency period, and I loved Leo’s difficult but caring elderly uncle.
19. Simple Jess by Pamela Morsi (1996)
Althea Winsloe, a young widow in 1900s Arkansas, has no interest in remarrying, but almost everyone in her small Ozarks community is pressuring her to remarry, and she still needs someone to help farm her land. Enter Jesse Best, a strong young man with cognitive disabilities who’s happy to take on the work. As he makes improvements to her farm and bonds with her three-year-old son, Althea gets to know him better and starts to see him in a new light. This earthy romance could’ve been a disaster, but instead it illustrates how people with disabilities are often...uh...simplified and de-sexualized in a way that denies them autonomy. Morsi has a similarly nuanced take on Althea and Jesse’s community, which is claustrophobic and supportive all at once.
18. Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli (2018)
Outspoken and insecure, bisexual high school senior Leah Burke is having a tough year. Her friend group is in turmoil, her single mom is seriously dating someone, and she’s caught between a sweet boy she’s not sure about and a pretty, perfect straight girl who couldn’t possibly be into her...right??? The sequel to the very cute Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, Leah on the Offbeat pulls a The Godfather: Part II with its messy protagonist, sweetly surprising romance, and masterful comic set piece involving the Atlanta American Girl Doll restaurant.
17. Copper Sun by Sharon M. Draper (2006)
Kidnapped from her home in eighteenth-century Ghana, fifteen-year-old Amari is sold into slavery and winds up on a South Carolina plantation, where she faces terrible cruelty but finds friends in an enslaved cook, her little son, and eventually a sulky white indentured servant around her age. When their master escalates his already-atrocious behavior, the three young people flee south to the Spanish Fort Mose in search of freedom. Draper’s complicated characters, vivid descriptions, and deft handling of heavy subjects makes for top-notch historical YA fiction.
16. A Prince on Paper by Alyssa Cole (2019)
After her controlling politician father was jailed for poisoning a bunch of people in their small, prosperous African country, Nya Jerami gained unprecedented freedom but also became the subject of vicious gossip. Johan von Braustein, the hard-partying stepson of a European monarch, wants to help her, partly because he sympathizes and partly because he has a crush, but she thinks he’s too frivolous and horny (if wildly attractive). After an embarrassing misunderstanding compels them to enter a fake engagement, though, she begins to wonder if there’s more to him. I’m not a huge fan of contemporary romance, but this novel has the perfect combination of heartfelt emotion, delicious melodrama, and adorable fluff. 
15. One Perfect Rose by Mary Jo Putney (1997)
Stephen, the Duke of Ashburton, has always done the proper and responsible thing, but that all changes when he learns that he’s terminally ill. Wandering the countryside in the guise of an ordinary gentleman, he ends up joining an acting troupe and falling in love with Rosalind, the sensible adopted daughter of the two lead actors. Like another Regency romance on this list, this novel celebrates love in many forms: there’s the love story between Stephen and Rosalind, yes, but there’s also Rosalind’s loving relationship with her adopted family, the new bonds she forms with her long-lost blood relatives, the way her two families embrace the increasingly frightened Stephen, and the healing rifts between Stephen and his well-meaning but distant siblings. Stephen’s reconciliation with his mortality is also moving.
14. My One and Only Duke by Grace Burrowes (2018)
Facing a death sentence in Newgate, footman-turned-prosperous banker Quinton Wentworth decides to do one last good thing: marry Jane McGowan, a poor pregnant widow, so she and the baby will be financially set. Then he receives a pardon and a dukedom at the literal last minute, meaning that he and Jane have a more permanent arrangement than either intended. I fell in love with the kind-but-difficult protagonists almost at once, and with Burrowes’s gorgeous prose even faster. 
13. Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell (2013)
It’s 1986, and comics-loving, post-punk-listening, half-Korean Park and bright, weird, constantly bullied Eleanor are just trying to get through high school in their rough Omaha neighborhood. He’s only grudgingly willing to let her share his bus seat at first, but this barely civil acquaintance slowly thaws into friendship and blossoms into love. Far from being the whimsical eighties-nostalgia-fest I expected, this is a bittersweet love story about two isolated young people who find love, belonging, and a chance for self-expression with each other in an often-hostile environment (a small miracle pre-Internet).
12. Shrill by Lindy West (2016)
In this memoir, Lindy West talks about the difficulties of being a fat woman, the thankless task of being vocally less-than-enthused about rape jokes, the joys of moving past self-doubt, and the very real possibility that Little John from Disney’s Robin Hood was played by “bear actor” Baloo, among other subjects. I was having a hard time during my last semester of law school this past spring, and this book’s giddy humor and inspiring messages really helped me in my hour of need.
11. Seduction: Sex, Lies, and Stardom in Howard Hughes's Hollywood by Karina Longworth (2018)
In 1925, very young businessman Howard Hughes breezed into Hollywood with nothing but tons of family wealth, a soon-to-be-divorced wife, and a simple dream: make movies about fast planes and big bosoms. He got increasingly weird and reactionary over the next thirty years, then retired from public life. More a history of 1920s-1950s Hollywood than a biography, this book has the same sharp writing and in-depth film analysis that makes me love Longworth’s podcast You Must Remember This.
10. The Beguiled by Thomas Cullinan (1966)
In Civil-War-era Virginia, iron-willed Martha Farnsworth and her nervous younger sister try to run their nearly empty girls’ boarding school within earshot of a battlefield. When one girl finds Union soldier John McBurney injured in the woods, she brings him back to the house, where he exploits every conflict and secret among the eight girls and women (five students, two sisters, and one enslaved cook). Charming and manipulative, he nevertheless finds himself in over his head. Cullinan makes great use of the eight POVs and the deliciously claustrophobic setting; it’s fascinating to watch the power dynamics and allegiances shift from scene to scene.
9. A Gentleman Never Keeps Score by Cat Sebastian (2018)
Reserved tavern keeper Sam Fox wants to help out his brother’s sweetheart by finding and destroying a nude portrait she once sat for; disgraced gentleman Hartley Sedgwick isn’t sure what he wants after having his life ruined twice over, but he happened to inherit his house from the man who commissioned the painting...plus he’s not exactly reluctant to assist kind, handsome Sam in his quest. I wrote about this heart-melting romance two times last year; suffice it to say that it’s not only one of the best Regencies I’ve ever read, but also possibly the best romance I’ve ever read about the creation of a found family.
8. Frog Music by Emma Donoghue (2014)
Blanche Beunon, a French-born burlesque dancer in 1876 San Francisco, has a lot going on: her mooching boyfriend has turned on her, her sick baby is missing, and her cross-dressing, frog-hunting friend Jenny Bonnet was just shot dead right next to her. In the middle of a heat wave, a smallpox epidemic, and a little bit of mob violence, she must locate her son and solve Jenny’s murder. This is a glorious work of historical fiction; you can see, hear, smell, and feel the chaotic world of 1870s San Francisco, plus Blanche’s character arc is amazing.
7. The Patrick Melrose novels (Never Mind, Bad News, Some Hope, Mother’s Milk, and At Last) by Edward St. Aubyn (1992, 1992, 1994, 2005, and 2012, respectively)
Born to an embittered English aristocrat and an idealistic American heiress, Patrick Melrose lives through his father’s sadistic abuse and his mother’s willful blindness (Never Mind),  does a truly staggering amount of drugs in early adulthood (Bad News), and makes a good-faith effort at leading a normal life (Some Hope). Years later, the life he’s built with his wife and two sons is threatened by his alcoholism and reemerging resentment of his mother (Mother’s Milk), but there may be a chance to salvage something (At Last). Despite the suffering and cruelty on display, these novels were the farthest thing from a dismaying experience, thanks to the sharp characterization, grim humor, and great sense of setting. Also, I love little Robert Melrose, an anxious eldest child after my own heart. 
6. The Perilous Gard by Elizabeth Marie Pope (1974)
In 1550s England, no-nonsense Kate Sutton is exiled to the Perilous Gard, a remote castle occupied by suspicious characters, including the lord’s guilt-ridden younger brother Christopher. Troubled by the holes she sees in the story of the tragedy that haunts him, she does some problem-solving and ends up in a world of weird shit. Cleverly plotted, deliciously spooky, and featuring an all-time-great heroine, this book was an absolute treat. The beautiful Richard Cuffari illustrations in my edition didn’t hurt, either.
5. An Unconditional Freedom by Alyssa Cole (2019)
Daniel Cumberland, a free black man from New England traumatized from being sold into slavery, and Janeta Sanchez, a mixed-race Cuban-Floridian lady from a white Confederate family, have been sent on a mission to the Deep South by the Loyal League, a pro-Union spy organization. Initially hostile to everyone (but particularly to somewhat naive Janeta), Daniel warms to his colleague, but will her secrets, his shattered faith in justice, and the various dangers they face prevent them from falling in love? Nah. Alyssa Cole’s historical romances deliver both on the history and the romance, and this is one of her strongest entries.
4. The Lady’s Guide to Celestial Mechanics by Olivia Waite (2019)
Heartbroken by the death of her father and the marriage of her ex-girlfriend, Lucy Muchelney decides she needs a change of scenery and takes a live-in position translating a French astronomy text for Catherine St. Day, the recently widowed Countess of Moth. Catherine, used to putting her interests on hold for an uncaring spouse, is intrigued by this awkward, independent lady. I’ve read f/f romances before, but this sparkling Regency was the first to really blow me away with its fun banter, neat historical details, and perfect sexual tension.
3. The Wager by Donna Jo Napoli (2010)
After losing his entire fortune to a tidal wave, Sicilian nineteen-year-old Don Giovanni de la Fortuna sinks into poverty and near-starvation. Then Devil makes him an offer: all the money he wants for as long as he lives if he doesn’t bathe, cut his hair, shave, or change his clothes for three years, three months, and three days. This fairy-tale retelling is an extraordinarily moving fable about someone who learns to acknowledge his own suffering, recognize it in others, and extend compassion to all. 
2. Vampires in the Lemon Grove by Karen Russell (2013)
In this collection, Russell weaves strange tales of silkworm-women hybrids in Japan, seagulls who collect objects from the past and future, and, yes, vampires in the lemon grove. She also posits the very important question: “What if most (but not all) U.S. presidents were reincarnated as horses in the same stable and had a lot of drama going on?” My favorite stories were “Proving Up” (about a nineteenth-century Nebraska boy who encounters death and horror on the prairie), “The Graveless Doll of Eric Mutis” (about a disadvantaged high school student who discovers an effigy of the even more hapless boy he tormented), and “The Barn at the End of the Term” (the horse-president story). 
1. The Wonder by Emma Donoghue (2016)
Lib Wright, an Englishwoman who has floundered since her days working for Florence Nightingale during the Crimean War, is hired to observe Anna O’Donnell, an eleven-year-old Irish girl famous for not eating for four straight months. With a jaundiced attitude towards the Irish and Catholicism, Lib is confident that she’ll quickly expose Anna as a fraud, but she finds herself liking the girl and getting increasingly drawn into the disturbing mystery of her fast. Like The Perilous Gard, this novel masterfully plays with the possibility of the supernatural, then introduces a technically mundane explanation that’s somehow much more eerie. Donoghue balances the horror and waste that surrounds Anna, though, with the clear, bright prose and the moving relationship that develops between her and Lib, who grows beyond her narrow-mindedness and emotional numbness. I stayed up half the night to finish this novel, which cemented Emma Donoghue’s status as my new favorite author.
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stubbornattempt · 5 years
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I hope this is ok to try to get a message to you again. If you'd prefer that I didn't I'll certainly stop. There are just so many things I don't know or understand. The past couple of years I've come to believe that for whatever reasons you and I can never be together. And while this is my best guess, I realized I would like to know that for a fact. You see, I'm still in love with you and I always will be in love with you and I would wait as many years as it takes until its safe to be together, if there ever would come such a time. It's a long shot, but I'd like to know if there is a chance. That would change every aspect of my life. It seems to me that you and I can't be together because of the danger of being arrested, and if that is the case I would never want you to risk yourself trying to be with me. I would rather never see you again and let you have a good life. But maybe is there some sort of statute of limitations on the thing? If enough time goes by would everything be ok? I think about you every day and it hurts a lot. I can't put it into words but I ache like I've lost the thing in the world most precious to me. Sometimes I just whisper your name. I don't know how you feel. Maybe you don't still have strong feelings for me or even want to be together. If that's the case I'd rather not know that! You said you would always love me and I believe you. I remember every single thing you've ever said to me. You're in the deepest and most permanent part of me. You're my home and as long as we're apart I'll never be home. It's ok if that's what it boils down to. It's been a long time now and I've accepted the idea of never being together. I told you I'm dating this guy Steve and I like him well enough. It's slightly nicer to have someone than to be alone. But I don't think I could ever be in love with him, or anybody else really. I can love someone as a person and be fond of them but that's not the same as being in love. I've just accepted that any other relationship I have I will be settling for less. Over the past year I've started becoming what I think might be a bad person. I'm just selfish and sometimes I feel absolutely nothing. I don't care that the planet is dying. I don't really want to expend energy to help anybody else and I do the bare minimum to help myself. I have more callous and angry thoughts than I used to, and until recently I've been aware of becoming a worse human being but I haven't cared. I'm also becoming increasingly perverted, and while I don't think there's anything wrong with a fantasy that you would never act on, I wonder what it says about me that I'm getting off on things that would disturb most people. I've always had a twisted sort of libido I guess, but its just firing on all cylinders now and I wonder if I'm so different from regular people that I'll always be on the outside pretending to fit in and hiding my true self. I did about 4 weeks of school and withdrew from my classes. I didn't want to do the work and I didn't like the subject material very much. It was Statistics and Chemistry and I realized I was gonna have to work hard to get A's. I didn't really want to be in school anyway. After visiting Steve in Cleveland for 5 weeks I realized that I could live a decent life on a tight budget. I'll get disability checks forever until I die, so if I don't want to I really don't have to work. And the truth is that I definitely don't want to work. Even if I wanted to I don't know if I could. I've always had trouble having to be places. Sometimes, quite frequently in fact, I break down and quit. I can't be somewhere all the time and also be forced to be around people. These days I find I'm happiest when I'm watching TV. There are enough shows out there that I could watch TV for the rest of my life. And when I get bored of that I could read books and do a little exercising. I have the opportunity to just have all my time to myself and I'd rather be poor and have that than go back to school, pay a shit ton of money, and then have to fucking work some job I'll probably hate. In any event, I don't think Biotechnology is the degree for me. The only potential job I would actually enjoy is being a therapist or counselor of some sort, and that would take a lot of schooling to get to a point where I could have a career. I'm a little too old now to look down that road. Maybe not. I just don't feel like being back in school just yet. I still have too many emotional and psychological issues that I'm dealing with. I've decided to get some therapy myself. I think I'll go next week. Try to talk about some of this stuff. Eventually I told a few people about what I went through. I told Steve, another online friend, and then today I told Michelle some of it. Maybe talking about it will somehow help? If I thought there was a possibility of being able to be with you in the future it would infuse every aspect of my life with such profound happiness. I'm not holding out much hope for it, but I think you should give me an answer if you can safely get one to me. If there is no chance I think I'll move to Cleveland. Not because I'm so crazy about Steve, but I like him well enough and its an opportunity to start over. I love where I live but there are memories everywhere I go. I can't be the way I was again, and being reminded of everything I used to have can be painful. Cleveland is very cheap and poor and I could fit right in. My mother will be supremely disappointed upon finding that I don't intend to go to school and then get a job and I can't really explain myself to her. Telling my family about my life is out of the question. So in Cleveland I could at least be in a new setting where I'm not bombarded with memories around every corner, with a guy who I enjoy spending time with, and I could live cheaply. As you get older your options narrow all the time. I'm looking at my options and it seems like the best one. Today I miss you so much I want to cry. I don't cry that much these days. After I figured out you weren't coming for me again I didn't cry for a year or something. I did some art therapy on Tumblr and listened to a lot of screamo. Last winter I made that playlist I sent to you, and I would listen to it all day every day for like a month or two and cry to it. I haven't cried since then I don't think. Crying doesn't do anything anymore. My emotions are resoundingly futile. I'm so scared of forgetting a detail or a feeling. I'm scared of the time and distance that separates me from when I last saw you and I'm scared that it's only ever going to grow. I'm scared of getting older and inevitably not being the same person I used to be and I'm realizing the thing that might save me is that I don't want to become someone you would no longer love, even if we never see each other again. I want to be the person that you love and I don't know how to do that going into the future without you. As I slowly turn into somebody else that's putting even more distance between us. It hurts so much its the dullest ache. No one will ever know what we shared and that's ok as long as I can keep it alive in my heart and my mind, but life is long I guess. Even though we're not together somehow I'm scared of losing you. Loving you is the most profound experience of my life. A future without you is static, muted, black and white. I feel like I lived more than most people in life ever have. I've had more mystery and adventure, trauma and pain, and depth of love. Sometimes I actually feel lucky, even though it devastated my life for good. At least I was special for a time, and experienced something unique in all the world. And I experienced your love, which is my top rated experience of all time. Sometimes I beg your memory not to leave me. So far it hasn't, but I'm afraid of Time. I'll wrap this rant up here. I just wanted to say that I'll no longer send you messages on Facebook. I guess that might be dangerous somehow? I also want you to know that I will never come looking for you. If you want to be with me and its safe, the ball is totally in your court. I don't want you to feel haunted by me and if you don't want to hear from me I won't message you. Even if we can't be together IRL maybe we could keep in touch through secret messages over the years? Maybe just an update every couple of years? I want you to have a life and be happy and I don't want to interfere with that. So maybe you'd prefer a clean break and just to let me go? Fuck, I love you so much. Whatever you want is fine with me. I only ask that you give me a sign so I can know for a fact that it's over forever. You don't even need to tell me why. All I really want to do in this life is tell you how much I love you. I'm trying to live my life and I am. Some days are easier than others. I'm alone in my headspace most of the time. I don't know if it helps or does harm to think about everything so much. I'm realizing a lot about my limitations and coming to terms with what the rest of my life is going to look like. I think I could find reasonable happiness if I moved away and started new. As long as I stay in this city my family will make me feel bad for not accomplishing anything professionally. And I just don't have it in me to be what they want me to be. Everything I went through from like 2011-2017 or whatever it was, that is and has to be my "contribution" to the world because I truly don't have anything left to give. I'll never feel like everybody else and no matter what happiness and stability I'm able to attain, there will forever be this deep current of sadness for everything lost. I find myself feeling alienated from other people and not totally respecting their emotions and experiences because of what I've been through. Things I went through were so extreme it makes it hard for me to take the plights of others so seriously. I'm on the outside forever and I am alone forever. I feel happier with Steve but he doesn't have much emotional depth and even though I told him about you/everything I don't think he begins to understand. So I'm alienated forever from everyone IRL and nobody who knows what happened to me is willing to talk to me. What exactly happened anyway? When did John first start filming me? When did others start watching? What's the ballpark number of people who were watching me? Were there cameras in the bathrooms? In the Tea House? Basic fucking things I'll never know. No one affiliated with the theater is ever going to tell me and there's no way to find the answers to my questions. It used to be very troubling to not know, but I've come to terms with not knowing. It's not that high on my list of concerns anymore. The PTSD from believing that John was going to kill me has probably subsided as well. I don't think I really have schizophrenia, but I think you guys gave me schizophrenia for a time. I was out there seeing clues and receiving messages left and right and that shit did get pretty scary. But I don't see clues and messages anymore, so I doubt I'm schizo. Maybe I have like schizo-affective disorder or something, but I don't think I'm schizo. I even stopped taking my meds months ago and I'm fine. I'll pretend to the docs like I'm taking my meds and I'm fine with the diagnosis as it has allowed me to be given disability. I feel like I deserve disability and I honestly feel like after what I lived through that I shouldn't have to work. I know I said earlier that I was wrapping this up, but I do not want to stop talking to you ever. My love. I also want you to know that there is no future where I blame you for what I went through or am angry with you. Looking back over our communication I see perfectly clearly that you didn't lie to me or deceive me. I think you made some poor decisions because I would have liked to marry you straight away and skip the internet games. I know you feel badly about the way things happened. I don't want you to though. It's bad enough that I'm not happy, if you can be happy you really should be. I'm so glad that you have your kids in your life. It makes me very happy to know that you have those meaningful relationships. That night in the truck when it seemed like we were running away, if that's what was really happening I want you to know how much it meant to me that you were willing to leave everyone in your life to be with me. It was powerful. Obviously I'd do the same for you anytime at all, but I don't have kids. So your devotion to me was the most impressive gesture anyone has ever made for me. I don't think anyone has ever really seen me the way you did. I want to always be that person you fell in love with but that can't be. I'm growing older and changing and the changes probably aren't all good. Thank you for being there at my most vulnerable and for intoxicating me with your love. I know I was probably draining and maybe demanded more from you than you had signed up for. I hope I didn't mess things up for you too much. I know your wife left you and it seemed like my going to where you used to work may have influenced her decision? Anyway, I hope you don't look back and think of me as a mistake that made you lose your wife. Even if its not me I hope you find someone who loves you. I would just hope that you never stop loving me. I don't know how I'm gonna carry myself through the rest of my life. Maybe things can be better than I'm imagining. Maybe I'll be more of a good person than a creep. I have to try a little bit harder though. I'm so disaffected. I don't like being around people or going out and doing things. If I move to Cleveland Steve will make sure I get out and do things. He has crazy levels of energy and fills every second of the day with an activity. After 5 weeks I was thoroughly exhausted, but perhaps that's a good type of personality for me to be around. It's hard for me to stop writing to you because it kind of feels like spending time with you when I talk to you. I would love to hear from you. Anything from you I cherish. I'm afraid to look at your blogs or your online accounts though. I don't want to see things that aren't meant for me. It also hurts. I only want to see things from you that are meant for me. Anything you could tell me about how you're feeling or what actually happened I would be grateful to hear. You could be creative. I'll know if its you. One last thing I forgot to mention is that I'm having transgender problems again. I've decided not to pursue transitioning. It's a little late in the game for me. The results wouldn't be as good. It's a lot of fucking work to transition. Most people are wildly transphobic. I don't want to have to explain and justify my existence to everybody. I don't want to be discriminated against. My mom might disinherit me. It would be harder to date. I'd be a dude with a vagina which is awkward. Top surgery is a lot of money. I don't think I want to shave my face every day. A lot of trans people say that if you can live as a cis person that you definitely should because being a transsexual is very hard. The part of my life were it would have mattered being correctly gendered the most is behind me. I'm just saying fuck it. It's just one more way that my life fails to be perfect. If I did transition probably I would be happier and more comfortable in social situations and more likely to socialize but the cost is very high. Maybe I'm being cowardly or lazy about it, but I'm trying to be pragmatic. Anyway, I'll love you no matter what even when you're 70 and bald and your teeth are falling out, so if at any point in your life you want to be with me and its possible, reach out. I'm yours and its not possible to make it otherwise. If you don't respond to this I guess I'll take that as a sign and try not to contact you again. If that happens I want you to know that I will think of you always. As the years roll on I will imagine you raising your kids, going to their graduations and weddings, having grand kids, growing old. I'll think about you in your dorky baseball caps and playing the guitar, enjoying your success and continuing to crusade against the insanity in the world. Your obsessiveness, your industriousness, your raw intelligence and creativity. I think you're golden. That night in the motel room when I refused to leave you and because of that you ended up getting away, that was the thing in my life that I'm most proud of and I would do it over and over again. At least I was given the opportunity to demonstrate how much I care for you. Not everybody gets to make such a dramatic gesture. I hope you feel it in your bones how much you are loved. I hope I'm inside of you the way you are in me. If you still feel the same for me, please consider the possibility of trying again if there is any possible way. I would try to be the best version of myself for you. I've decided to try that anyway, but it would be easier with you. Can I tell you just one more time? I love you. I was a kid for a long time, longer than usual, but I'm less so every day. And although I'm a terribly inadequate adult I don't think I would be a burden on you. I'm financially independent now, I have a car and a license and I've dealt with a lot of my problems on my own. I still have many lingering problems but I don't think you'd have to repair me as much. We could have a relationship based on mutual love more than need. After everything, wouldn't it feel like the world’s greatest victory? It would to me anyway. I'm just appealing to you on the chance that we could try to make it work. If it was my choice we'd never stop trying. Ok, I've been long-winded. It feels super good to talk to you. I hope against hope that this isn't the last time.
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krixwell-liveblogs · 6 years
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Check out this post. Wildbow talks about his life on reddit. This explains so much about Taylor’s school experience. No Worm spoilers
This sounds interesting. I’ve frequently wondered about how Wildbow’s life shaped this story.
Let’s take a look.
Redditors who have opted out of a standard approach to life (study then full time work, mortgage etc), please share your stories. What are the best and worst things about your lifestyle, and do you have any regrets?
Well, the title is already intriguing.
Hermit writer here.
Born hard of hearing, went to a regular school. Struggled in middle school. Struggled in high school. Kids who were in my class in kindergarten were in my classes all the way through to grade ten, with the elementary/middle school and high school being a stone's throw from one another.
I kind of knew about the hard of hearing bit already. I can’t find the ask that told me about it, though (it was probably before I stopped using screenshots for asks).
So far this sounds relatively normal, except for that part. But I’m guessing he’s going to elaborate a bit on the struggles surrounding his school life and hearing problems?
In grade 10, after years of bullying and a peer group that had established who was 'in' and who was 'out' when I was knee-high, tired of struggling, I was walking down the halls and I found myself wondering when the last time I'd even opened my mouth in school was.
Oh wow.
I stopped dead in my tracks, just paralyzed by loneliness. I asked myself what the point was, couldn't come up with an answer, resumed walking, went out the side door of the school and went home.
This clearly parallels a few of the last times we saw Taylor at Winslow High.
The start of me just not going to school for that entire year. Nobody noticed.
Damn. He really did write all that from experience. It took a while for Taylor’s absence to get noted, too.
Taylor’s absence getting noted at all actually seems like a fantasy compared to this.
I got caught at the end of the year, did the same thing the next year, got caught only at the end.
What the hell sort of attendance routines did this school have? Clearly not good ones.
Ended up going to an Alternative school (Self study), proved to myself that I had it in me when I got 3 years of studying done in 8 months, won two awards... and then had to go back to my old school for what was essentially grade 13, where I struggled.
Huh. Well done.
People learn in very different ways. Some people can do this much more effectively than learning in a group. Some people are like me and can’t make themselves keep up the effort required to self study, or learn better from lectures than reading.
Some people learn by observing their surroundings while flying.
I worked retail and found it fine. But family wanted me to go to University and figure myself out.
I’m currently working retail, taking a break from the educational system and buying time to figure out what to study.
I went to University and I struggled.
Guys, I’m sensing a theme here.
I spent a long, long time trying to figure out why I struggled, why I was tired all the time, and it took a kind of confluence of events before I realized what should've been obvious. I found the social stuff hard and I was exhausted after a day of listening because I'm severely to profoundly deaf.
Oh yeah, that makes a ton of sense. It’s like how focusing is exhausting when you have trouble doing that, how reading without glasses you need tires out your eyes and brain, etc.
Honestly, it’s a little surprising that I haven’t (explicitly) met a hard of hearing character in Worm yet. Maybe later? Oh wait, there was that deaf waitress at the villain pub in Hive.
Beyond that, the 'path' just isn't for me. The systems and institutions just grind me down. The idea of a 9 to 5 is death to me. These things are built and streamlined for the average person, and between disability and a fairly extreme degree of introversion, I'm far from that average.
That is very fair. There’s definitely a brand of ableism in that system.
In the end, I stepped off the path. I'd been writing a thing online as a side project and the reception was good, so I decided to leave school earlier than planned, use the savings I had, stretch things as far as I could, and work when I could (with a family friend when he needed the help and had the cash to spare, doing some landscaping, drywall installation, house painting, all prepping houses for sale in a boom market) to stretch things further.
This would be too early for that thing online to be Worm, right?
It just occurred to me that I have no idea how old Wildbow is.
And I wrote as seriously as I could while people close to me told me that I didn't deserve to 'get lucky' and have the writing work out because I hadn't seen University all the way through, or openly expressed doubts and disappointments.
Yikes.
Fuck that noise. Writing is tons of effort!
But you know, it worked out in the end. I wrote the equivalent of 20 books in 2.4 years, wrote another 10 for my next series in the ensuing 1.2 years, and I've kept up a similar pace over the last 7 years and two months.
Especially when you’re this coddamn productive!
That’s 8.33 books a year!
I started writing mid- 2011, left school at the start of 2012, went full-time-paying-the-bills in 2014 with an income around minimum wage. I moved to a small town (no car, nothing fancy) that same year. I'm now closer to the average Canadian wage. It's been two chapters a week (2.5 if crowdfunding money is enough) since the beginning.
Oh, I suppose that means it would be Worm after all.
When was this written... huh, yesterday? Well, that explains why this hasn’t been sent to me before.
Writing being Wildbow’s only/main income makes me feel even more right about my decision to set things up so that some of the money from my Patreon goes to Wildbow. It’s not that big a portion of his income (apparently average Canadian wage is 986 CAD or 755 USD per week, and I chip in with about 3.26 CAD or 2.50 USD per week), but it’s something.
My reality: I can go a week or two without really talking to anyone that isn't a cashier.
Sounds a bit lonely in the long run, but as a fellow introvert (or maybe I’m an ambivert, in the systems where that’s actually a thing), I get it - it also does sound pretty good. Especially if you’ve got internet people to casually interact with at your own leisure.
Every two months or so I go to a relative's to dogsit while they're on vacation or to see someone for their birthday, and that gives me most of my fill of socialization and companionship.
Nice!
I don't have a car, so it's usually walking or taking the train to another city, and using public transpo there. I subsisted on a rice and beans diet for a good stretch, one $15 video game bought in a year, and my level of expenses hasn't really risen that much from that point. I eat better and buy a couple more things, but nothing major.
So I guess this would be somewhere between average and reserved?
I don’t know. Being Norwegian spoils me on these things.
60%+ of what I earn goes to savings, which gives me security when my income could fluctuate or disappear at any time.
Oh, that’s smart. I suppose writing would be a bit of a risky business, what with writer’s block, audience fluctuations, sudden drops in popularity because something you wrote didn’t go over as well as you thought it would, etc.
My schedule is entirely my own, which usually amounts to 2.5 15+ hour workdays a week and another 5-10 hours a week spent managing community, finances, and exchanging emails with tv/movie studios, publishers or startups.
I was going to talk about the long but few workdays, but tv/movie studios excuse me what
Is a TV series version of something Wildbow wrote (Worm or otherwise) a serious possibility right now?? :o
Best things - I love what I do. I love creating, I love my reader's tears, I love my readers being horrified.
This is really important. You gotta enjoy what you do.
I get to make monsters and be surprised by what my characters do. Many of my fans are just the absolute coolest people - people I'm now insanely glad to have met and include in my life. There's amazing fanart of my work out there, music, people have gotten tattoos. Tattoos. That's insane.
People have permanently, painfully painted their appreciation of your work into their bodies, Wildbow!
The bad- I'm an online content creator, and it's impossible to convey just how toxic the toxic elements of a fandom can get and how negative the negative aspects can get, and how much it can affect you.
That is true. There will always be a toxic side, and I can imagine works like Worm would attract a lot of the edgy sort.
I've seen 20 online content creators either break down or remark on the effect it has, and it's wholly accurate- and my audience isn't even ~that~ large.
Yeah, it doesn’t take that many people to start brewing fandom sides like this.
This is multiplied by the fact that writing is lonely as a profession (I know too many writers who can't even talk to their life partners about their work) and it can be hard to find perspective or balance as you take it all in, when you don't have people to communicate with.
Robert Jordan used his wife as a beta reader or editor of sorts. She was there to tell him when something he wrote didn’t quite come across, to make up for the fact that he couldn’t tell. After all, he knew what he meant by that one line.
On a similar note, some casual dating would be nice, and living in a small town for economical reasons doesn't leave me with a large dating pool, and at this point I'm not even sure if I could or should inflict myself on someone.
Oof.
There are way too many people who think like that. I hope you find happiness with someone who sees you for the good bean you are, Wildbow.
I'm healthy, groomed, I can hold a conversation, I'm just pretty set in my introverted ways.
...relatable, though.
But still, I’m pretty sure there are people out there for us, who not only tolerate but appreciate the introvert lifestyle.
Hell, both of my crushes have been very introverted, even compared to myself, so I know those people exist because I’m among them.
On another, less social note, there is the fact that as an online content creator, you can't really take breaks. Or you can, but it costs. Consistency and frequency of updates are god, and a hiatus is a death knell.
No wonder he criticized me on this that one time. In his situation, it matters a lot.
I don't even know what an effective vacation would entail, because I feel like finding my stride again would cost more than I gained from having the break. So it's been seven years and two months without a vacation, writing a short book every month.
Damn.
You deserve so many props, Wildbow.
...at some point here I started talking to Wildbow, just like I do to Taylor and other Worm characters. Well, at least this time there’s actually a chance he’s going to read this sometime, if he hasn’t dropped my blog.
I just hope he doesn’t think it’s weird that I’m liveblogging his life story.
It makes for a very strange sort of burnout, when I love it so much, I can still regularly put out some great work to acclaim and praise, but am nonetheless worn down around the edges.
That does not sound healthy.
No regrets. This is me. This is what I'm built for.
As long as you feel it’s right for you, this is good. :)
I could do with less negativity from some fans and getting regular good nights of sleep (the deafness comes with insomnia by way of terminal tinnitus), but both of those just come with the territory.
Ouch.
I feel you on the sleep front (ADD has its ways of messing with your ability to fall asleep too), but tinnitus sounds like a particularly annoying way to be inflicted with it.
I've been telling family for the last year that I'll move to a city with more going on than (as my elderly neighbor phrased it) drinking and meth, where there's classes to take, a possible dating pool, and/or activities that could break me out of my hermit shell... but my current apartment is amazing and cheap, with the nicest landlords ever. It's just in a do-nothing town. I haven't found anything remotely competitive, even taking 'cheap' off the table.
I’ve lived in small-ish towns all my life. It’s pretty nice, especially as an introvert.
So that's where I'm at.
Thank you, Wildbow. This was an interesting read. I feel like I know you a bit better now. :)
(Again, if you’re reading this, I hope it wasn’t too weird to see me liveblogging this.)
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iammarylastar · 6 years
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5. Donut, 1304. “Tell me more about Alabama, is there any family of yours left?”
We’re enjoying the sandwiches she’s made, everything is perfect, mostly the view I have of my angel, sitting on the blanket I spread on the grass near a little creek, sunbeam dancing on her beautiful features.
OK. Let’s sum up what nonsense my life has been before her.
“Alabama was wonderful, as long as my mother was still with us. The scum of the Earth that was my father owned a farm where my brother and I worked hard. He let my mom die from the flu, spending the slightest penny in alcohol. No money left for the doctor. She died the winter of my 17 years. I left without looking back after I buried her, alone in the cemetery, my bro and that dickhead too busy to celebrate the funeral getting wasted with fake booze. I did odd jobs through the state before signing up for the army which became my real family. I remember thinking… nah, it’s silly.”
Her sweet gaze encourages me to go on, as my fingers tear blades of grass and daisies up from the ground.
“I remember thinking I could be closer to her up there, I liked to picture her face in the clouds. That’s how I became a pilot.”
I chuckle, I’ve never opened up to anyone before. I don’t want to sound too whiny or childish, though I don’t feel like she’s judging me. I feel like I could spit all my sins out and she would still stay here with me.
“I’d like to go back to Alabama when the war ends, back to the farm if it still exists. You know to do something else than blowing up things. I want to build things with my bare hands, I dream of better days, a simple life, a family… Sorry, this sounds so boring…”
The truth is I’ve started dreaming about building a family since the first time we talked.
“Please, no, I like to hear you speaking of better days. I find it…”
“Cute?” I lift an eyebrow, teasing her.
“Yeah, cute.” She laughs.
“What about you? How does a beautiful angel like you end up in a military base in the middle of the Pacific?”
“I’m sorry to tell you your life doesn’t deserve the award of the saddest story of the year. My dad was a Colonel of the U.S. Army. Both my parents died 3 years ago in a car accident. As a ward of state, I was sent to a boarding school for girls, while my older sister married Gessepp who was a friend of our father. He’s 15 years older than Jessica but he used to be nice when he came home for dinner. He helped a lot after they died and when he proposed to my sister, we both thought he would take good care of us. He changed after their wedding. He turned into a disgusting pig, a drunk, racist, misogynistic asshole, who just treated Jess like shit. He stopped beating her when she was expecting their child, but it’s been twice as bad since Abigail was born. He insisted to call her Abigail "the joy of her father”, fuck me, he hates having a girl. Jess did her best to protect her but she’s been so weak after the birth, she begged me to come here and take care of the baby.“
She pauses, her eyes shining with tears, which makes me love her even more. I hate knowing her sad or upset. Or not safe.
"Does he hit you too?” I ask, figuring out the answer.
She rolls her eyes, only to prevent warm tears to spring from her eyelids. Uselessly.
Brushing quickly her cheek with the back of her hand, she looks at me straight in the eyes, begging me not to go further.
“Please, don’t waste this perfect day with unpleasant things. Let’s say Jess and I do what has to be done to keep the baby safe.”
My blood is boiling in my veins, I wish I could wrap myself around her and never let her go, keeping her safe in my arms, along with Jessica and Abigail.
“One day, Cup. One day after the war ends, when we’re back to America, Jessica, the baby and me will leave him. We will run away from him and settle down somewhere he couldn’t find us and have the peaceful life we want. I could be a teacher and provide for my family. I too dream for better days.”
Oh Angie let me save you. Let’s dream of better days together. Let’s live them together.
I have to cheer her up, I can’t stand the hint of sadness in her eyes. Let’s start a show.
I grab a home made pastry, a donut covered with icing sugar and lift it up, like a trophy.
“OK. You won hands down. Your story is the saddest I’ve ever heard. I have the great honour to give you this well deserved donut as an award for your bravery and strength. I’m proud of you and sincerely stunned by your cooking and sewing skills. I wish you the best for your future, and I hope I could be a part of it.”
“Amen!” She laughs.
I laugh with her, despite I’ve never been more serious.
I lift the donut to her lips, so she can take a bite, then I push it up on purpose, covering her nose with icing sugar.
She startles and looks at me, puzzled, for just a second, before bursting into laughter, I heartily follow.
“No, no!” She grabs another donut and hands it to my mouth.
“You ranked a close second. You deserve this one as an award for being the cutest man I’ve ever met, despite your shitty past and the disability you have to keep your shirts dry and clean. I wish this damn war could end in a couple of days, so you would fly us back home, away from this all this shit.”
“What woman wants…”
I stare at her, my need to take her lips stronger than ever, my stomach burns like hell and her eyes teasing me just fuels my desire.
I snap at the donut she holds before me, but that little devil jerks it back and I almost bite my own tongue.
Smirking mischievously, she teases me again, shaking the donut under my nose.
She fools me twice before I grab her wrist, pull her hand to my mouth and take a huge bite of the donut, like a half of it.
It’s jelly filled. Raspberries. Delicious.
She bursts into laughter again while I chew the huge piece, trying my best not to choke or spit it out as I laugh with her.
My mouth and chin are covered with jam that’s running down, she quickly swipes it with her fingers, which unwillingly end up in her mouth.
Her laugh stops as she realizes she’s licking her fingers, my own face crumbling into pieces obviously showing her the hotness of the moment.
I swallow hard as my grip on her wrist tightens, my thumb stroking gently the soft skin of its back.
She on purpose takes her time to lick each drop on her forefinger, ending with a pop that sends shivers through my spine. The way she looks at me doing that… Oh God help me!
I’m close to eating her up, my brain shouts at me “Kiss her now!”
My guts twist painfully, the drool in my mouth tastes metallic, you know that little thing just before you kiss someone for the first time.
I know that feeling, I’ve kissed a ton of chicks before. Except that I’m in love with her, like, totally.
And it freezes me, I’m paralyzed. My brain shows me billions of flashes of me kissing her lips but my body refuses to move.
I know, I feel she wants it too, as badly as me, by the way her eyes caress my lips.
She slowly raises her fingers back up to my face, brushing lightly along my jawline, wiping the rest of the jam off the corner of my lips, then letting her fingertips wandering along my bottom lip. So slowly.
God strike me down if I’ve ever lived a sexier moment in my damn whole life.
I can’t help, Jesus I try but I can’t help but opening my mouth, moving my lips to kiss the pads of her digits.
The gasp she makes finishes to undo me. Her hooded eyes are begging me for more, and I can’t seriously deceive her.
I open my lips and nip gently at her pads, before licking and sucking on them.
Holy shit I doubt I’ll survive.
Our eyes locked, lost in each others, the world stops existing around us.
Her smile vanishes, her lips slightly open in a sexy pout, I’m gonna die.
The urge to kiss her takes over, my hand lets go off her wrist and runs up her arm, goosebumps rising all the way up to her neck.
My heart is close to exploding as I comb her hair back, my fingers entangled in the jungle of her hair, tilting her head so her lips are offered to me.
She just melts into my touch and let the sexiest sigh out, closing her eyes shut, waiting for more.
My lips land on the tip of her nose, stealing the icing sugar laying there, making the drool multiply under the sweetness of the moment.
I lightly brush my nose against hers as my lips burn to meet hers, so close the air she breathes tickles my face.
Pulling her face to me, I just kiss her.
Gentle and slow.
Her lips under mines are soft and wet
and the sound of her taking small breaks for air between our kisses is a serious turn on.
Like I needed some.
I struggle hard not to use my tongue, afraid she’d think I’m going too fast or too far.
My sweet angel once again surprises me when she slips her tongue out and dares to lick my lips, parting them gently, begging me to deepen the kiss.
I gladly comply and with a grunt, open my mouth and taste her.
Jesus, she tastes like Heaven.
Beside my lips and tongue kissing her and my fingers in her hair, there’s no part of us touching, which is a torture. We’re sitting close to each other but it’s obviously not enough.
My free hand moves around her tiny waist and I effortlessly lift her up and settle her down on me. Her limbs instinctively find their way so she straddles me, her hand grips my collar before stroking the back of my neck, pulling me deeper in the kiss.
She rests on her knees, each side of me, using leverage not to sit completely on my lap.
My hands leave her waist to travel north, her dress is bareback just under her shoulder blades so I have plenty of skin to stroke.
She’s all over me, eating my mouth, I have to fight not to fall on my back. Though I appreciate her enthusiasm, I don’t think I could be able to stop if we laid on the ground. And I don’t want to take her like this.
Oh yes I want to, trust me, but not here, not for our first date.
She told me she’s never been with a man before, being her first kiss is already a blessing.
The gentleman in me knows it’s not the right time, begs me to keep control and my cock in my pants, yells at me to cool down.
I cross my arms in her lower back, just to keep our balance, but it accidentally invites her to finally sit completely on my lap.
Let’s be honest, on my fucking boner.
A loud grunt leaves my lung as she gasps and startles, but quickly melts upon me.
Holy fuck!
Still cleaning my tonsils, she pushes lightly her hips against me and the moan that escapes her mouth screams me how good it feels for her too.
Now glued against my crotch, she starts to rock her hips slowly but firmly and I’m sure this will be the end of my life.
The gentleman supposed to help me to regain control just shot himself, quickly replaced by my old demon who suggests to roll her under me and rip her garment off.
Jesus, I can feel her wetness pooling through my own pants!
“Angie…” she doesn’t hear me.
“Angie, please…”
She hums, still absorbed in kissing my soul and it kills me to end this.
I have to push her back a little to stare gently at her. She’s on fire, it breaks my heart to tell her:
“Angie, baby, we have to stop.”
Puzzled and disappointed she looks at me like to ask if she’s done something wrong.
“We have to stop now before it’s too late. I don’t want us to do something you’re not ready for…
Oh trust me I want you so bad it hurts but I don’t think we should… ahhm…I don’t think I could…
Keep kissing me like this and I won’t answer for your virtue.
She frowns and pouts at first, in a so adorable way it’s hard not to kiss her again, then realizes what I’m talking about and blushes, her cheeks already flushed by our kisses.
She sighs deeply, combs her disheveled hair  back then stares at me with an indecipherable look.
"Take off your shirt”
@jaihardy @jaicourtneyseyes @kenzieam @captstefanbrandt @pathybo @jojuarez26 @tigpooh67
@onceinabillionlifetimes, @bookgirlthings href=“https://tmblr.co/m9JHX1l4S6qx4dGSAX5BJ0Q”>@kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995, @oddsnendsfanfics, @sajess98 @societalfailure @red-diary @pernilleals
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cardioasscular · 6 years
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Hi Julie! I'm new to tumblr so I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask this. I think that I may have autism. I wasn't diagnosed, but I know that some people aren't diagnosed until later in life for a lot of reasons. I'm just curious if you had any advice for figuring out whether I am on the spectrum? I've done some research but it's hard to know where to start. No pressure if you can't/don't want to answer! :) From, Bee
It’s okay! No problem, and feel free to message me any time! I actually don’t know exactly what to tell you in all honesty because I can’t remember what my life was like before I was diagnosed (I was diagnosed at a young age - I think either 3rd or 4th grade). But I can definitely tell you some things that I know about myself/that I’ve experienced that may be able to help you!
-I’ve always had an intense obsession with one specific topic (usually one main one at a time, with others that are still intense, but not AS much), which has varied through the years. Many autistic people call it a “special interest,” mine right now is TGD. The first one I can remember is dogs, which (of course) I still and will always love. 
-Everything used to be way too loud for me. I do remember that I used to wear earplugs and snow earmuffs in the cafeteria in elementary school. Over time, I learned to be able to tolerate loudness more, but it can still get really overwhelming at times, especially if there’s more than one type of noise at the same time (like when I’m at work and the oven and dough presser are both going, along with people talking and phones ringing.)
-I can’t stand certain textures. Mine are greasy things, like liquid butter or bacon (I still eat it, but I have to get almost all of the grease off with paper towels), and those holographic/3D things that people love to scratch (and make THE WORST sound that I can’t stand, either). I have an autistic friend who can’t stand chalk or fleece. It varies - unlike my friend, I love fleece!
-I either talk way too loud when I’m comfortable around people, or if I’m not, I don’t talk much, if at all. I find it hard to look people directly in the eye and tend to look above or below their eyes. 
-Light, like sound, can get intense for me as well. I have to carry sunglasses with me because sometimes, especially if I’m tired because it seems like my sensory overload problems get worse when I’m tired, the sun is just way too bright and I can’t always get inside to avoid it.
-I tend to do some repetitive actions, and they bring me comfort. For example, I run my hands through my hair a lot, and I pick at/bite my nails and the skin around my nails (yeah, I know, it’s not good for me, I’m trying to kick that habit).
-I find “fidget toys” useful. My favorite are these spinner rings that I have: I have one that’s blue and silver and one that’s kind of rainbow-ish and silver - I got them as a set of 2 on Amazon for like $10 if you think you’d enjoy them!
-I love to hold and squeeze things like pillows and stuffed animals. It’s comforting to me, and the pressure feels amazing - I REALLY want one of those weighted blankets, but they’re expensive and I’m not 100% certain that I’d use it as much as I’d want to (I get really hot at night). 
-When I’m overloaded, sometimes I shut down. I don’t talk, I barely move, I space out, and I stare at one specific spot. Sometimes it scares both other people and myself because they don’t know what’s going on, and I feel so overwhelmed that I can’t physically get the words out. 
-Sometimes I feel my own emotions too intensely. If something makes me really excited, some people would say that I get “too excited.” On the other hand, the worst part is when I’m sad or upset because a minor thing that might make someone else stressed or sad (for example, I got confused about when lab met last week and missed it, and ended up having a meltdown because of it. Most people would probably be stressed and/or upset, but wouldn’t be as upset as I got.)
-On the flip side, I have an EXTREMELY hard time feeling for other people, which I hate because it makes me seem like the stereotypical “empathy-less autistic.” It’s hard for me to relate to others’ troubles, and even though I try to be comforting, I always feel like I’m not doing it right, or that I’m making it worse. There actually have been times when I HAVE made it worse, and it made me feel completely shitty. I’m horrible at giving advice (so if none of this helps, I am extremely sorry). 
-I’m horrible at teaching and giving advice. I have difficulty saying exactly what I mean sometimes, which means that sometimes, people get the wrong idea, or they just don’t understand what I’m trying to say. Most of the time, it’s fine and I can just explain more and people eventually know what I mean, but it’s gotten me into some deep shit before. 
-I’m incredibly observant, which is both a blessing and a curse at times given the situation. I notice things that others may not. A good example was when a few weeks ago, my psychology professor was trying to log into the computer, which was projected on the front of the room. It kept giving the “username/password is incorrect” message, and I noticed that she had accidentally hit the spacebar and there was a space before her username, which fixed the problem. A bad example is when there’s a ton of noise, like I mentioned earlier, or multiple people having multiple conversations. 
I could give so many more examples, but I feel like this is already much longer than I wanted in the first place. 
One thing that I would try is to ask some people around you that you love and trust if they notice any typical actions that seem “weird.” If you’re close with your parents, ask about your actions as a child. 
Questions like, “When did I start talking?” “Did I seem unattached to Mom/Dad at first?” “Did I have any ‘odd’ obsessions?” “Did I fit in with other children my age, or did I stand out due to ‘weird’ actions?” may help. 
Observe your actions, and see if you catch yourself doing something that you don’t know exactly “why” you’re doing it, that other people don’t typically seem to do. 
One thing that I think would really help, if you haven’t already, make some in-person friends (online friends are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but most of the time you can’t see how your online friends act) who are autistic! Observe some of their behavior, maybe ask a few questions like, “why do you do (x)?” and explain that you have some questions about autism, that you’d like to have a better understanding. Although I do feel uncomfortable talking about myself a majority of the time, I am always happy to explain to others who have a good heart and just want to understand, learn, and support. 
Every autistic person is different, so what others may do/feel may not apply to you, and that’s perfectly okay! 
It’s always good to ask questions, and I don’t know about your situation, but many public K-12 schools do some academic testing that can point you in the right direction. If you’re a university student (I’m not 100% sure about it, but the University of Tennessee in Knoxville does this), maybe look into your school’s psychology program. Students (under the direction of their professors, of course) can perform academic testing. I think this does cost, though, and I have no idea what the prices are. My college’s disabilities services program sent me to UT for testing and paid for it so I could have updated information, as my last evaluations were done in elementary school. 
Again, feel free to message me any time! I’m usually available, but sometimes I do get busy, which is why (and I’m so sorry about this) I took a super long time and answered you super late. 
(If you’re autistic as well and have any advice to offer, please feel free to add on!) 
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I feel. frustrated and like i’m just. Running out of options. Like there aren’t any options left.
My childhood doctor, the doctor who took care of me my entire life growing up, was the one who gave me my diagnosis of AD(H)D. At the same time, he also diagnosed my younger brother with ADHD. Because my mother is the Queen of Denial, and because I showed more of the typically less disruptive female symptoms, whereas my brother showed all the hyperactive, running up the walls, driving everyone nuts male symptoms, my parents chose not to medicate me because I ‘wasn’t as bad as my brother.’ So I grew up knowing that I had ADD, but hey, it’s not as bad as my brother’s, so I’m fine, right? It doesn’t actually affect my life, I just have bouncy hyper spurts sometimes.
Over two decades later, looking back at my life, having done a shit fucking ton of research into things, I and know exactly how wrong my mother was, and how wrong I was. So many of the things I’ve failed at in life, including losing my student loans and failing multiple college classes, I can trace directly back to issues with having ADHD. And while, in part, at least I know it’s not just because I’m stupid or having a sucky memory (although fucking wow, do I have the worst fucking memory), that doesn’t stop me from wondering... what would my life have been like if my parents hadn’t been blinded and in denial, and had chosen to medicate me? Would things have turned out better, maybe? Maybe I wouldn’t have failed at nearly as many things as I had? Maybe, haha, I even wouldn’t have ended up in the place where I ended up with completely crippling depression and anxiety. Or maybe if I’d just looked into it sooner myself, once I became an adult and didn’t need my parents to get medicine for me. But then, I was under the impression that it didn’t actually affect me at all, so. I didn’t.
But I’m trying to now, have been trying to, and I just feel. Fucking hopeless. The first mental health expert I talked to about it at first agreed to medicate me, then later, when I actually asked for a prescription, insisted that I had to go through full psych testing that would cost $800-1200, and wasn’t covered by insurance, before they would issue a prescription. I ended up walking away from that office for a number of reasons, although that was certainly part of it. I spoke to a psychologist just last week, who told me that they, too, wouldn’t prescribe any medication for ADHD without expensive psych testing. Nevermind that I have a prior diagnosis from the fucking doctor who raised me.
And just now, a well meaning friend sent me a text with info for ADHD testing that only costs $200 for medicare patients. And I... appreciate the effort, they’re trying to help, because I’ve talked to them about all this bullshit, and they know the trouble I’m having but. It just fucking hit me, because. Our insurance just expired. Insurance that wouldn’t have covered any kind of testing anyway, but now we have no insurance, because my husband was laid off and his insurance finally ran out, and we can’t bloody afford insurance on its own. And I don’t have medicare. Maybe, if my disability appeal ever goes through, I will, but until then, that’s neither here nor there. And I’ve been jobless since February, because of all my fucking issues, and husband still hasn’t found a new job. Even if we had medicare, we don’t have $200 for testing.
And I just feel fucking hopeless and helpless.
Mary has reminded me that maybe we can just talk to our GP, because technically testing isn’t fucking mandatory, and our GP is actually a good doctor who listens to us, and who also has a professional interest in mental health, so maybe. Maybe. He can help. But I can’ even afford to see him right now, since. No insurance. And i’m just like. This is just this culmination now, of struggling with this for fucking years, and I’m. Just fucking done.
I just want. To be able to live and have my brain work. Actually work, the way it’s supposed to. Is that too much to fucking ask?
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judedoyle · 7 years
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Magic and Mentions
Well: The baby and I survived our first run-in with the Chapos. 
I kept my pregnancy secret from the Internet -- not a very well-guarded secret, granted; my friends knew, my co-workers knew, the people who attended the multiple readings and shows where I was hugely, visibly pregnant on stage knew; hell, I did things like Tweet about my iron-deficiency anemia and post “just wondering” polls about baby names, so I’m pretty sure a ton of my followers knew -- for several reasons. 
One was pure superstition. Thirty-four is relatively late in the game for a surprise pregnancy. Her father and I weren’t exactly trying to avoid a baby, but I figured that at my age, we’d actually have to plan one. Instead, we followed time-honored Irish Catholic tradition, in that we got married and I was somehow knocked up within five minutes of leaving the reception hall. For Lulu to just happen, after all this time, and for her to be healthy on top of everything else, felt unreal. Every time we went to get an ultrasound, I’d be possessed by this sudden, irrational fear that the doctors wouldn’t find anything. They’d have to tell me it was all a misunderstanding, I wasn’t actually pregnant, the previous tests were all false positives, this almost never happens, it really did look like a baby last time we did this, so sorry for the mistake. I mean, I was worried about that in the third trimester, when I could feel her skinny little back thumping against my abdomen every time I moved. Lulu felt like magic to me, and magic is delicate. So I didn’t brag about my pregnancy. I didn’t want her to turn back into a pumpkin when I wasn’t looking. 
But the other reason to stay quiet, the more practical reason, is just that I attract a whole lot of Internet creeps, and I’ve attracted a record number of them in the past two years.
It’s not a unique problem. Any vocally feminist woman on the Internet gets her fair share of Internet creeps, especially if men get in trouble as the result of things she’s written; my Creeps largely come from a few disgruntled “comedians” I wrote up in the Rape Joke Wars of ‘13, plus a couple of Bernie Sanders fan podcasts. Which, since one of the Sanders fan podcasts is run by one of the rape-joke comedians -- and the other is run by that comedian’s roommates -- is a group with more overlap than you’d think. 
I wanted to wait the creepage out. I had hoped that by the time Lulu was born, people would have worn themselves out on having the exact same Sanders/Clinton fight over and over. And yet, they evidently haven’t, so a large percentage of my Internet Creeps are still obsessed with “punishing” me for... something. Disagreeing with them on the Internet, I suppose. Not subscribing to their podcasts. Talking. Breathing. The kid was, inevitably, going to be drawn in to that, for the same reason that my hospitalization for an illness that nearly killed me got drawn in; it’s a vulnerable spot, an easy way to hurt me. These people tend to get so excited about the prospect of hurting me that they rarely pause to consider how they might hurt someone else.
This time last year, when I was getting married, it was not uncommon to go in on my husband. He’s never gotten involved in the Sanders/Clinton debates -- being both very well-adjusted and very unlike me, he believes arguing about politics on the Internet to be stupid -- but they’d still send him the same “funny” threats they sent me, or screencap and send around his Facebook posts to fuel drama, or post thinly veiled anti-Asian stereotypes about how emasculated and “timid” and submissive and unmanly he must be to put up with a big hairy feminazi like yours truly. (The anti-Asian stereotypes, of course, also had the benefit of being anti-feminist stereotypes about how I must be a castrating shrew and needed A Real Man to dominate me and Put Me In My Place. Hurrah for intersectionality!) Or, you know, they’d just call him a ch*nk. It wasn’t because of anything objectionable my husband did or said. He literally didn’t do or say anything. My husband’s first post explicitly acknowledging the harassment campaign was in December 2016, and he acknowledged it only because he was posting to warn our shared social circles not to engage with Jeff Kunzler (Jeevesmeister), a former friend who had been part of the campaign and was facing rape allegations. My husband didn’t bring this on himself or pick a fight or post a “bad take” or whatever excuse these people use to justify targeting someone; he just loved me, so they tried to hurt him. 
None of that really got under his skin -- like I say, he’s a stoic kind of guy -- but it got under mine, the same way it got to me when people would be harassed just for being friends of mine, or RT’ing me too often, or whatever. And I was going to be an especially soft touch due to the pregnancy hormones -- at a Trainwreck reading in Portland, I spent the entire day crying because I’d lost touch with a college friend who moved to Portland -- so I decided I would keep my magic baby to myself. Every day I spent growing Lulu, I’d actually be thinking about Lulu, and not about what some toxic sinkhole of a human being said about Lulu on Twitter. They wouldn’t be able to insult her, or threaten her, because they wouldn’t know she existed. 
It worked for nine months. But I couldn’t go through life with a secret child. I mean, I seriously considered it. But what was I going to do, teach her to flee from the sight of iPhones? Lock her in the attic like the first Mrs. Rochester? I had to let people know about her eventually. I had to let the world in, for better or for worse. 
The first e-mail telling me Lulu would be mentally disabled and ugly and that she should be taken away from me by Child Services came within 48 hours of the birth announcement. 
I have to let the world in. But I have to raise her in a world that has evil in it, and I’m still trying to find some way to accept that. 
In the days leading up to Lulu’s birth, I started letting myself tune out bad news. I didn’t want to know anything about Trumpcare, for example. Nothing about NICU babies or pregnancy as a pre-existing condition or lifetime caps that made babies lose their coverage before they were a week old, nothing about what could or might or would go wrong. The murder of Charleena Lyles shot across my social feed. I picked up the key words -- pregnant, mother, mentally ill -- and put the story to the side, telling myself it would be all right to read it when every word in that constellation wasn’t viscerally terrifying. 
The urge was at least partly white fragility -- I am not Charleena Lyles, I do not face the same injustices or dangers Charleena Lyles did, it is undeniably selfish of me to process Lyles’ story in terms of its impact on me -- but the pain and fear were real. Whatever challenges I face with my mental health, or with sexism, I also have substantial privilege. Women who get sick without the safety net of whiteness don’t end up with platforms to combat stigma or fight back against misrepresentations of their health. They don’t wind up like me. They wind up, an awful lot of the time, like Charleena Lyles.  
And Lulu will not have white privilege. I mean: She won’t be a black woman in America, either. Neither of us can appropriate Lyles’ story. But Lulu, unlike me, will face racism. When she meets her first bully, when she comes home from school crying for the first time, I don’t know what she’ll be crying about; I don’t know whether it’ll be something I’ve experienced and can talk her through, or some form of cruelty that is new to me. Or, worse, whether it will be something I’m implicated in as a white woman -- something I do, or have done, without realizing it. Something I can’t even try to fix without making the situation worse. 
This train of thought is not exactly linear. But in the days leading up to Lulu’s birth, when I was getting hit with huge surges of hormones every few hours, I wasn’t thinking in linear terms. I felt half human at best. I kept remembering the pregnant barn cats I used to see out on my cousins’ farm, frantic and raw and instinctively, protectively vicious; I remembered them pacing, hissing any time one of us got too close, shredding cardboard, hiding under the porch, and I wanted to do any or all of those things, all the time. Any piece of bad news would spiral out of its proper context and into the terror of Something Happening To The Baby, get swallowed up by that weird animal frenzy of impending labor. And I just couldn’t handle it, hearing about the horrible things the world does to its girls. I couldn’t stomach the thought of sending my baby out there, with a mind at least partly like mine, and none of the safeguards I took for granted. 
Yet I can’t tune it out forever. It’s my job to keep track of terrible things being done to women -- a job I’m working my way back up to now, even as I find that my beat increasingly looks like a list of horrible things that could happen to my daughter: ‘90s celebrity found running sex cult for underage girls. President Trump. Newspapers leak nude photos of actress to punish her for taking a traditionally male role. President Trump. Man with several dozen rape allegations not convicted at his rape trial. Beloved progressive journalist repeatedly tried to force female coworkers to give him oral sex because “it’s funny.” President Trump.
President Trump.
President Trump.
The horror is less the violence itself than how the world keeps rolling on regardless. If we really felt what the world is doing to its girls, we would be in the streets, howling at the sky. We couldn’t parse a single one of these headlines as anything other than an atrocity. But we live in this world, where most of these incidents don’t even alter the course of conversation. We live in a world with evil in it, and most of us are used to it by now. 
So I spend a lot of time thinking about him, that first bully. Or her. Whoever the first person to make my daughter cry will be. I spend a lot of time worrying about how I can be ready for the attack -- how I can anticipate all the angles, unlearn all my blind spots, have a good defense ready, without being some clueless overcompensating white mom. It’s what I do, instead of howling at the sky. I get ready. 
Because every little girl gets bullied, sooner or later. Every little girl is a light the world tries to put out; to make smaller, meeker, quieter, less alive, less assured. What matters is who you come home to. Whether they find a way to protect the light in you or just quietly let you know that it would be a lot less trouble, for you and everyone else, if you let yourself go dark. 
There’s another level to all this. I didn’t come into the world under ideal circumstances. I’ve talked about it and written about it; I honestly thought that I was over it. Then I got pregnant, and it all came back to life. 
I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand my father’s violence, but I know it started when I was born. He didn’t like having children. He didn’t like how it took my mother’s focus off him; “he wanted,” my mother says, “to be the baby of the family.” I can’t imagine that the actual work of a child -- the diapers, the crying, the feeding, the constant need to keep hands or eyes on them; having to re-train your reflexes so that you can force yourself to get out of bed instead of grabbing five more minutes of sleep, having to keep your voice and your gestures calm and sweet when they’ve been fussing for hours and you want to jump out a window -- made things easier. It was just a big dose of adulthood, all at once, and he couldn’t take it. So while my mother cared for their newborn daughter, my father got into bed for a few months, didn’t get up except to grab himself more beer when he needed it, and then, when he felt properly rejuvenated, expended all that newfound energy on doing a bunch of cocaine and beating up my mother. He got better. She got pregnant again. He got worse. We had to leave the house before he killed us.  
So that’s it, my origin story -- one that has probably been told, at this point, only slightly less often than Spider-Man’s. I came into this world having to fend off the temper tantrums of a self-absorbed, abusively entitled baby-man, and thirty-five years later, I have not run out of baby-men yet. It has occurred to me, more than once, that I started dealing with men’s bullshit the day I was born, and that I will probably be dealing with it on the day I die. I’ll be in the nursing home, stroking out, hearing some male nurse scream about what a bitch I am for not listening to his podcast. It is my calling.  
But you can’t fight fate. You can only make them sorry they didn’t manage to kill you the first time around. Which, for the most part, is what I do. Or did, until I was pregnant. At which point, everything scared me. I was scared that my husband would leave, hate me, hate the baby, lose his mind. Or that I’d get drunk once the baby was born, drop her, forget her, sleep through her crying. Or we would have to leave, the baby and I, we’d have to live with my mother -- that’s what we had to do, when my mother left my father; we lived with her parents -- and there would be no money, just like there was no money back then, it would never stop, we would never have enough, we would always be in the act of losing everything, running in the night and in fear to a cold, strange place where we were poor. 
They say one of the strangest things about trauma is how it creates an eternal present. The traumatic event never gets entirely integrated into the narrative of your life, never becomes something that happened. Instead it gets stuck in the present tense; the traumatic event is always still happening, somewhere in your brain. You just have to avoid that part of your brain. I didn’t fully understand this, until I was walking around with my conscious mind in 21st-century Brooklyn and the rest of me stuck in Mississippi in 1985. 
We live in a world with evil in it. A world where people hurt each other for no reason and to no great end, where people hurt the most harmless people they can find, or the people they’ve sworn to love and protect; a world where men hurt women for power, for attention, for control, for assurance that they are the most important person in the room. I know that; I’ve always known it. It was probably the first thing I ever saw. 
The challenge, for me, is not believing in the existence of evil. It’s believing in anything else. It’s letting myself think that my trauma ends with me. That my daughter will be allowed to have a different story. 
Which brings us, I suppose, to the past few weeks. 
The actual particulars of the latest Chapo pile-on are pretty banal. One of the hosts went off on some ridiculous supervillain monologue about how, in order for the Democratic primary rifts to heal, all Democrats must kneel, KNEEL BEFORE CHAPO; the supervillain monologue was quoted in a magazine article, the magazine article was screencapped in a Tweet, and the Tweet then floated through my social-media feed, at which point I made a blowjob joke, because men really shouldn’t yell into microphones about how badly they want people to get on their knees if they’re not prepared for someone to make the association. 
Anyway, they took it about as well as fearless free-speech warriors usually take any mild joke at their expense; thus, I’ve spent the past few weeks hearing about how I am a wicked identitarian feminazi who makes False Rape Allegations, and also a rape apologist who makes Rape Jokes, and also, of course, fielding hilarious jokes and/or serious suggestions to the effect that I, myself, ought to be raped and/or murdered for my lack of proper reverence to their podcast.
I stand by my joke, for what it’s worth; it didn’t posit rape as fun or trivial, it didn’t posit being a rape victim as shameful, it wasn’t even necessarily about rape so much as it was about some dude being unattractive. It did, admittedly and intentionally, posit “being a dude who demands other people get on their knees for you” as shameful, which it is, which is why the Chapos were upset. But, more importantly, I doubt it’s worthwhile to debate the finer points of tasteful and appropriate humor with folks who not only explicitly defend their friends’ rape jokes, but have mocked actual rape survivors for talking about their rapes online. 
I mean: Everyone knows Chapo turns people’s lives upside-down for criticizing them, and at this point, everyone knows what the victims usually look like, too. Parker Molloy gets told that she should have her skull crushed by a Nazi. Alana Massey gets called a geriatric bipolar stripper. Arthur Chu gets doxed because people find his divorce funny. I get accused of making False Rape Allegations. (I’m a survivor, by the way. Life is not kind, and the story that started with my father didn’t stop with him.) Everyone who pays attention to Chapo knows this; the only real question is whether they think it’s a bad thing. Because it’s pretty impossible to keep insisting that it’s an accident or a coincidence, when it’s happened this many times. 
So the point is not what I said; the point is not even, really, what they said in response. The point was forcing me to deal with them once again. Anyone who obsessively scans and screencaps my feed like the Chapo crowd does would have known that I’d just given birth. They probably would have known that I’d had a complicated labor that required some pretty major surgery, that I was still in a lot of pain, that I was sleep-deprived, and -- given their obsessive focus on my mental health history -- that I was at relatively high risk for post-partum depression. “the craziest shit is she literally had a baby last week,” one of them posted in a forum during the pile-on. The others then began digging for nasty things to say about the baby. The most common line, so far, is that I don’t love her. Lulu is “the baby [Sady] openly resents for having caused her physical pain with its birth.” Another gentleman concludes that “[Sady] may not actually hate her baby, but she sure as shit wrote a lot of words” denying it. After I posted an old death threat aimed at my potential future children, one dude chimed in to say that he’d combed all the articles I wrote, and had found one article in 2010 that made it seem like I didn’t want children; “if you think the person who wrote that piece liked kids and wanted one, you're deluded,” he chided my followers. 
So that’s what it’ll be. It’s an entirely logical sequel to Castrating Shrew Sady and her Submissive, Henpecked Asian Husband -- Selfish Career Woman Sady and her Neglected, Resented Baby. (Or the more virulent version of the same story, Devouring Monster Sady and her Abused Baby That Someone Should Take Away From Her, who shows up in my e-mail from time to time.) Both are stories about how I’m not woman enough to love somebody; both, just under the surface, are stories about how love for women means being dominated, about how women who refuse to be subjugated or erased by their family responsibilities are refusing their proper place in the world, and passing up their only chance at happiness. The tropes being deployed are classically sexist, like something you’d see in a shitty alarmist magazine piece from 1980 or 1960 about “working women” -- something you’d see, to be quite honest, on Breitbart today. But they’re also describing me, a real person, and my relationship with the baby I longed to protect so much that I refused to speak her name, lest the wrong person repeat it.
It’s evil. What makes it more evil, somehow, is that it is so, so pointless -- it’s not police racism, it’s not the rise of fascism, it’s not my father beating his pregnant wife. It’s just small, useless, playground-bully evil, trying to convince the world that a mother doesn’t love her children because she made fun of your favorite podcast. Frankly, it’s the same stupid, petty, pointless bullying many of us heard in that “bend the knee” monologue -- the assumption that you should run the show, that everyone should do as you tell them, and that if they don’t, you are entitled to do or say absolutely anything you can think of, in order to shut them down or intimidate them into compliance. 
It’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s silly to even get upset by it; for the most part, it’s background noise, wasps swarming in a pale ugly nest in your backyard. You walk around the nest. You put it out of mind. You hope not to get stung. It’s been going on so long that I more or less take it for granted. But it matters right now, just as a reminder of what I’ve been dreading: No matter what, the world will always have bullies. And despite what we tell our children, those bullies don’t necessarily go away or get better once they’re all grown up.
Lulu knows nothing about the evil in this world. She knows very little. She gets the boob, and she gets a nap, and she gets to wake up when it’s time for the boob again; she likes it best when the cycle is continuous, where she can just fall asleep on my chest while she’s eating and let me know she’s woken up by opening her mouth again. So we do that for most of the morning, me holding her curled up on a little breastfeeding pillow and reading from an iPad I’ve propped up on the arm of the chair. I’m trying to learn to type with one hand, so I can take advantage of the down time. I’m okay at it. Not great. Let this post bear witness to my progress on that front.
She also spends more and more time awake without being hungry, these days. So we read to her -- you have to read to them from the time they’re newborns, it creates a positive association with books; so far, she’s read Everywhere Babies and Green Eggs and Ham and some back issues of n+1 her father meant to get through before she was born -- and we do Tummy Time on a little orange mat we inherited from our friends. There’s a bunny-shaped rattle attached to the end of the mat, to give her something to work for as she learns to crawl, so I sit there and watch her push her little legs around, and Mr. Bunny dances and delivers his various encouraging monologues about how Baby is made of desserts. (”Mommy had a raspberry ice cream, and a rose-flavored ice cream, and a macaron, and another macaron. And the doctor said, stop! You have to make that baby out of healthy foods! And then Mommy had fifty almond croissants. Lulu is a sweet little almond croissant baby...”) She’s very strong for a baby her age, apparently. She flipped herself over on her first try. Which they shouldn’t be able to do for a few months, so we have to check on her in her crib periodically to make sure she hasn’t done it in her sleep. 
The thing about babies flipping themselves over is that they can get stuck that way, like a turtle. They can flip from back to belly and forget how to reverse it, choke to death on their own bedsheets. There are just so, so many things to be afraid of, with a baby. Loving someone this much, when they’re this helpless, is just one long exercise in fear. 
I don’t know who will make her cry for the first time. Some bully at school, someone on whatever terrifying version of social media her generation winds up using, or one of us -- her father or I, losing patience, saying something she won’t forget. So I sit over my baby and applaud her as she works her arms and legs. So strong, so strong, mommy has such a strong girl, I say, in my happiest voice. And I don’t say the other thing. That she may actually be too strong; that being this strong might kill her. She’ll figure that out on her own time. Girls always do.
And I look at the news. All the terror, all the bullies, all the men harming women to convince themselves they’re the most important guy in the room. It happened the day I was born, it will be happening on the day I die. I left my father. But somehow, as I’m sure any decent therapist would tell me, I chose a career and a way of life that guaranteed I would always be screamed at by some emotionally catastrophic man-baby who behaved just like my father. I left him without leaving him. As long as these guys are calling me an ugly castrating bitch with a fucked-up nose whom no-one could ever love, the experience of living with my Dad is still very much ongoing. 
It got to be the worst it’s ever been, right before I had this little girl. In the Hero’s Journey, Joseph Campbell says, the midpoint of the story is always the most dangerous moment. The hero has been called into another world, tasked with finding something so wonderful it passes comprehension -- something that could change the world, or save it. But he must earn it. He must undergo a form of suffering precisely as terrible as his reward is wonderful. So, at the very midpoint of the story, his worst fear, or his oldest enemy, rises up and nearly kills him. Sometimes, it actually does kill him, and he has to find a way to resurrect himself in order to proceed. He has to pass this test, walk through the underworld unarmed, before he can get his reward and go home. 
So that’s what I do. I sit here, looking out at the world, the evil in it; podcast hosts and Presidents and whoever will use the information here to send me some horrifically personal string of insults through my Squarespace page. I look into the eyes of my hundred-headed father; my original death, which I escaped without escaping. And I say the only three words that matter.
You missed, asshole. 
Because he did. Because they always do. Because I’m still here, and I will be here until their aim gets better, and I do not plan to shut up or become more convenient or submissive until that day. For now, it’s enough to meet the demon on the threshold and keep walking. And so I take my reward, my magic baby, who will grow up with a whole new story about how the world treats girls, and she and I go home. 
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duraxxor · 7 years
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Chapter 4: Wings of a Val'kyr
[ Warning: This Chapter contains heavy violence and gore. Viewer Discretion is advised. ]
There was a time where you were a wonderful husband....
" My sweet Lillian... oh how I missed you my sweet.." An echo rippled from ages past..
..and a great father...
" Come, son, let me teach you the lessons of the blade." Another washes over like a sweeping wave..
..but now..
CLINK! The sound of metal clashing overwhelms the tides of time..
.. you are nothing more than a horrific visage..
Once, Noiryn and Wrathblade were once the couple known as Lillian and Alonius. Now, they were something completely different, bitter enemies and what remains of who they use to be. Fate, has spun a thread that once again reunites them in the most unsettling of ways. Noiryn, with her fangs gritting together along with those furious eyes of her's, clashed her mighty axe against the remnant of one of those twin Warblades. The grinding of smithed steel clattered as the two made eye contact. " Why couldn't you just stay dead.. you bastard!" Noiryn snarled out those venomous words which only caused the warrior to smile back at her, bearing his own fang filled teeth. There was a fire in his eyes, however, this was not fueled by the Fel at all..
" Isn't it obvious, Lillian?.. I've come for you once more!" He would lunge a kick of his iron boot directly into her stomach to force her to back off as he took his position. " I am like the ravagers of the Outlands... Once I have my eyes set... I don't stop... not even if it kills us both..." Noiryn's boots skidded across the dirt, regaining her balance as she hissed," Kiss my ass and go back to rotting in the Nether, you asshole..." As those words were spoken, Noiryn's hands seemed to expel a soft chill about them.
" Only after you surrender it you Bitch!" He would howl with crazed laughter as they began trading blow to blow. The metal collided continously, spewing the elements of fire and frost across the yard in streaks of their own respective nature. Lindeara, however, was finding this all too boring with her audience of she-locks, yawning as she spoke. " Ugh... all they are doing is locking weapons together and grunting... I swear.. I thought Noiryn was tougher than that.. fine.. let's raise the stakes... My lovelies.. why don't you give Lily some fireworks?" She would command with a wicked laced tone, her underlings giggling as each and every one of the twelve that were present began conjuring concentrated fel fire launching it in Noiryn's direction as if they were taking turns picking her off like crows.
" What the.." A fireball flung by Noiryn as she spoke before one of them struck her back. She hissed out in pain as the fire struck against one of her uncovered sections of her armor, sending herself backwards in an attempt to dodge Wrathblade's swipe, rolling backwards as the slow barrage of flames danced around her, causing her to growl out in frustration. " You've got to be kidding me?!..." She created a small wall of ice to her right side before Wrathblade rushed her with a bellowing roar, causing him to crash into the sheet of ice as Noiryn once against rolled over and tossed her axe to strike at his back, which was unarmored.
" RAAAAAAAARGH!" Wrathblade roared out in pain as her axe had made contact, causing Noiryn to grin triumphantly, feeling that she had an advantage now that he was bleeding, but sadly that joy was ended when she saw the blood that bled from his back onto her axe. It was black, tainted with a foul smell about it.. it wasn't anything like the fel blood he was before, Wrathblade had become something much more tainted... She would then remember her husband's words about such a foe..
'' Crimson blood is always your best friend... Fel blood has it's uses.. but it's tainted and drinking such isn't good for our kind... Black.. however... there's nothing we can do about it... we are not strong enough to bend it to our will... it is something entirely different and in it's own field..."
Once she came to her senses, she would hear her very weapon be ripped from his flesh, the wound bubbling with a seething heat, imbued with a dark red aura that only personified it's foulness. He would bellow with laughter as he turned to sinisterly smile at her. It was then that she sent a tendril of dark matter to regain her weapon in preparation, charging him while dodging the fiery embers that sought to strike her. " Heeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
CRINK!
Yet another collision of metal which followed with consistant parrying. Before long, though, her body began to show more ice about it's form as a few pieces of armor became busted up, reaveling more and more. Meanwhile, Wrathblade himself was carrying many wounds that bleed the dark blood, however, it seemed he was far from tiring out. His blood laced the air around them as well as the smell of hellfire and brimstone. Noiryn continuously dodged each and every fireball while navigating to strike at Wrathblade each time.. until...
A lighting caught Noiryn's eye as she saw something. " What is.. OW-!" A small explosion caught against Noiryn's left side as it appears Lindeara had launched a much larger ball of fel flame than her warlocks. " See my pretties.. that's how you weaken your adversary with flames.." She said with that onyx lipped grin that could cut glass with it's edge. Noiryn had landed on her left side with pieces of armor that had been twisted by the heat, her left gauntlets and pauldrons crumbled to pieces as they fell to the ground in her attempt to get up, feeling the earth rumble beneath her feet as Wrathblade came rushing to her with his weapon ready to cleave into her skull whilst she was reaching to grab her axe to block.
CRINK! The metal weapons collided once more as Noiryn and Wrathblade's blood dripped onto the charred ground.
" Give up, Lillian! You can't win! Just.. Give.. Up!!" Wrathblade demanded as her strength pushed against her own, pinning her to the ground. " No! I won't! I'd never give up on him, just as he... he never gave up on me!" With her cries in protest, a frosty gust of wind erupted from her form, causing Wrathblade to back off in surprise as parts of his arm became froze along with his chest. Noiryn stood up with a limping right foot, as it seemed the bone had been struck heavily by the explosion. However, the ice solidfied the bone while the blood in her reserves worked to regenerate the flesh. Each fireball from the she-locks struck against the vortex of winter and istantly smothered due to the cold's lack of oxygen. Noiryn snarled as the wintery air howled with her voice. " Die, Alonius!" She conjured up shards of icy spikes at his feet that instantly chained him in place, unable to move his footing while she charged him with her mighty axe. " Raaaaaahhh!!"
Meanwhile, within the hidden chamber where Lindeara's black pearl lied, Dura was still unable to get up, the dark presence flowing off his body as he fidgetted for movement, only to prove futile. It was then that his eyes noted that he was no longer alone.
" Tsk Tsk... the Lord of this house is on his knees begging already.." one of the she-locks chided with malevolent laughter while the other's levitated to retrieve the pearl for their mistress. " You poor thing... we would play with you a little bit.. but we have important thinks for the Mistress... Tata, cutie.." All three of them vanished into thin air, with the pearl gone and out of sight. Dura could feel it in his blood, Noiryn was fighting yet he could feel her energy slowly waning.
"Dammmmn... it..." He muttered between clenched teeth as he actually began to push back this force as it seemed to lighten it's grip upon him, giving him the ability to at the very least crawl his way through the room since the security had been disabled along with the apprehension of the pearl. As he approached the doorway, he painfully pulled himself up to his feet, feeling as if several tons had been placed upon his shoulders to slow his movement.
" I'm... coming.... Noiryn..."
 On and on, the clashing of the Warrior and the Maiden commenced. Each blow delivered harshly as flesh, blood, and armor alike littered across the charred grassy fields of the yard. Between the hellish breaths of Wrathblade and the hoarse growls of the Shadowreaver, it was a fight for endurance, which, Noiryn herself was already at a disadvantage as time went by, for the she-locks continued to pelt her with their fire balls every so often. Hissing out, she would fall to one knee with her axe in use to keep her balance. " Damn you, Lindeara... damn you and your she-locks!"
Lindeara would lift a hand to cease her artillery from pelting her further. " Enough of this... Wrathblade, finish her, I grow bored of this consistent prattle!" Wrathblade' slips began to curl into a sinister grin at witch's words. " Any last words, 'darling'?" It didn't take long before Noiryn spat upon his face with her bloodied lip. Wrathblade chuckled darkly before lifting his broadsword up, while Noiryn was also attempting to life her axe even with a broken arm. "Raaaaahhh!" cried the Wrathblade as he forced his blade downward before the Black Lily could have a chance to intervene, causing Noiryn's blood to run much colder than it had ever in this lifetime.
"Dura.... I'm.. I'm s-" her thoughts called to him before...
SHIIINK!
" Blurgh!" Wrathblade coughed blood as the exposed part of his back was pierced by a veiled assassin that had the form of a young female, causing him to temporarily be disorientated from the point of entry. Another voice called out as a chain wrapped around his blade in an attempt to pull it away from Noiryn. " You are not going to take her from me! I've already lost too much!" Raven cried out in rebellion of the will of their adversaries. " What is this?!?!" Lindeara's eyes widened as her fang filled teeth clenched in irritation at the intervening of the Daeavara girl, an ally, and... " HEY! DON'T COUNT ME OUT!" A male voice called out in the distance before her other friend, Dominic, who possessed a body with bulky physique came barreling through, centering his body straight into Wrathblade's chest to force him heavily into the ground, dismantling his blade with the assistance of Raven's chain as the group of three reformed directly infront of Noiryn.
" Rav..en... I told you... to... get.. the hell.. out of here..." Noiryn protested to her coming, despite her not being alone. " You did... but if you really think I'd let you fight all of them alone, you are wrong... Where is dad?" Raven returned with a question of her own, the three standing in position for another attack to commence as Wrathblade began to get himself back up with a gurgling breath of frustration. " He's.. still inside.. he said he's.. coming... something is holding him back.." Noiryn stood up shakingly, her reserves had run out and she was low on energy.
" Seri... feed mom.. she needs her energy..." Raven commanded as Seri began to expose her wrist, but Noiryn hissed at the offer." NO... I won't take the blood... keep it... save your energy for them..." Domi would sigh and shake his head," Is she always this stubborn?" Noiryn glared at Domi along with the other two girls before Raven finally answered him," She's a Daevara.. isn't she?" Domi would roll his eyes before snickering," Unfortunately..."
" Do not think you have won, children! You are still outnumbered and outmatched.... She-locks! On my command!" She would hold her hand up in the air as the rift above them began to spew for energies to form into a malefic ball of energy. Her minions began to charge up their own small balls of chaotic magics as Wrathblade himself took position.
"Wait! Mistress!" The three other she-locks made their appearance as Lindeara glared at the disruption," WHAT?!-" She was cut off at the sight as her minion presented the prize. Her pearl, her very soulstone that had eluded her freedom over several years.. finally in her grasp. " Finally... after all this time.. it's finally mine!" Noiryn's eyes would instantly grow wide as she realized what was going on, catching a glimpse of the Black Pearl. " Don't let her touch that stone!! Stop her!!" It didn't take long before the trio of younglings and Noiryn herself seemed to spring into action, though Noiryn was going to fight against Wrathblade while the kids fought against the she-locks. " You are mine, Aloniusss!!"
The ceiling above the old stonework as Dura heaved his body which was still afflicted by the weight of this unknown magic. " Rrrrrrr... Damn these witches and their foul magic!.. Why isn't anything I do working to get there faster! Noiryn is waning and it sounds like a battlefield up there!" He thought to himself as the ground he was within continued to shake. Dura would punch his left fist against the stone as he growled furiously. " This would be a real good time for your damn assistance right now, you damned beast! I know you can hear me!"
He spoke amongst himself but all he could hear was silence for the time being. Dura shook his head as he began to continue his slow footed journey, though, the magic began to lift upon his form the further he got in his ascension. " Finally.. that's more like it!" He began to smirk as positivity began to surge within his mind.
" Noiryn! I'm coming! Just hold on a bit l-" Dura's thoughts were instantly cut off as another voice spoke directly two him.
" You will know rage and sorrow alike... but only because.. you care.. for it was foretold in the sea of blood.. "
The positivity that began to rise within Dura had slowly began to sink into the depth of his black heart as he felt it those words. " No... No! NO!" He then push himself to try and ascend much faster, coming into the lighting of his home...
Lindeara levitated to the rooftops to dodge one of Raven's chains as she found herself hurled across the field once more by a burst of shadow energy, falling to the dirt as she looked at her allies. Both Seri and Domi would find themselves surrounded and detained by magic, fighting and wriggling in the grasp of the magical steel. Wrathblade leapt backwards directly in the range between Raven and Lindeara whilst Noiryn was attempting to once more regain her footing after another assault. " No.... we can't lose... " She was crippled by fear and pain, shaking with the charred leathers upon form.
" What's a matter, child? Are you afraid? You should be.. because now... it's all over.." Lindeara would then proceed to take the Black Pearl and shove it into her mouth slowly. " Noooooo... Damn it!.." Noiryn cursed, hissing in pain as the Witch swallowed her stone, causing her dark, inky eyes to grow into wide circles as dark energies surged through her. " Yes... Yesss! Oh thank you, Master! Thank you!.. " She spun around in the air with joy before wickedly laughing, joined by the chorus of her minions. " No... that power.. I feel it.. we failed..." Raven spoke on the matter as she stared at them all in defeat.
" Can I kill the Daevara runt, Mistresssss?" Wrathblade asked the now freed Lindeara as she came to stand upon her heels, surging with dark entities that had been locked within her Pearl. " You may do as you please.. Wrathblade.. our work here is done.. and you may reap your reward.." Wrathblade nodded as he began to step forward," As you wish.." he chuckled a moment before rushing towards Raven with brute force while the girl was stunned by fear.
" Raven! Noooo!" Her friends cried out as the flailed to try and get free while the poor girl pulled up her arms as if it would block the broadsword swipe... but she felt.. nothing... why? Then.. she would realize as she looked up towards the scene, gasping in horror," No..."
Dura had finally made it through the side door before he not only heard a scream of suffering, but he also felt a pain about right shoulder blade that caused him to hiss, a burning sensation that echoed the memory of what his beloved once told him about the gift. " If I pass.. before you, darling... my gift will alert you... sizzling out.. almost like a burning sensation.." She spoke as Dura returned with his own words," That won't happen.. because you will not die before I.." Dura's form began to drop it's flesh colored disguise as his features turned that ashen gray in response to the emotions that began to twist inside. " NO.. It can't be... Noiryn! Noiryn!!!" He yelled out as he came around the corner of the home to see the truth...
Noiryn had stood her ground with her arms spread outward and her back towards Wrathblade as she had shielded her step-daughter, the wings of a Val'kyr spread wide upon her exposed back. Wrathblade's weapon had already been swung but seemed to have done no damage. " R-Raven.." Noiryn spoke with a struggling breath. " I.. I love you.. darling.. g-give th-em.. hell-" Though her lips smiled to her step-child, her eyes would begin to dim as her head severed from her neck. Her body along with the beheadment fell... Noiryn had sacrificed what was left of her unlife in order to save her family. " Noiryn!! Nooo.. Why.. Why did you have to do it?!!" Raven screamed out, weeping over the loss. " Yes!! Yes, yes, yessss!! Ohhhh boohoo! Woe always me... Wrathblade fi-" Lindeara cheered at Wrathblade's success before she was interrupted by a loud cry.
" WARBLADE!!!!"
Everyone turned to face where the voice had come from, however, Wrathblade found himself unable to get a clear view as he was struck by a powerful force against his chest, which caused him to howl in agony as his back crashed into the stone wall of the home. He would find his chest being pierced by the claws of a rather enraged Lord Daeavara, whose form seemed to expel that same inky, dark haze. The very orbs of his eyes had turned into that shade of red that mimiced blood. The shadows of Dura's form twisting to tear into the butcher's chest as Wrathblade fought to gain freedom, even attempting to strike at the Lord who just would not budge. " Get off of me! No!" Wrathblade beckoned for help but all the other's watched. Raven was horrified by this scene, never before had she seen her father become so enthralled.
" I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR HEART AND DEVOUR IT.. THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING LEFT FOR YOU TO BRING BACK.. NOT EVEN FIT FOR THE CROWS!!" Dura's voice howled out in defiance of the very man's request for freedom. " DIE!. DIE!.. DIE!" The deeper his left hand dug into the cavity that had been torn by his weapon, the more Wrathblade fought to get him off, flailing about and crashing into his home as they even bombarded into the group of She-locks. Yet, all Lindeara could do was giggle at this show, finding it all too amusing. " Wrathblade.. it seems your time is about to be up..." She whispered, crossing her legs as she sat from her perch.
" No!... Master! Why! You promised me.. my time.. was.. " He was interrupted once more as blood and flesh sputtered and splattered across the ground. Within the Lord's grasp was the throbbing, tainted heart of Alonius 'Wrathblade', from which he eyed a moment with an opening of his jaws as if he were going to keep his promise as the dying man wriggled, gurgling the black blood that tainted the very heart and veins. Truly, it sickened Dura, even in this enraged state.
" RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHH!!" He cried out in frustration and sorrow.
His left hand's metallic fingertips pierced and crushed the organ instantly, splattering it's contents all over his leathers and the very earth he stood upon. Turning his hate filled gaze instantly towards Lindeara who only smiled, shrugging at the man's actions. " I say... death to the weak and those that give into their little fears... Awwwwwwww... look at you... that fierce gaze almost turns me on... almost anyways.. but alas, Lord Daevara.." She would instantly stop speaking as the Lord made an attempt to lunge directly at her, leaping from the very earth in an attempt to strike. He would find himself unable as Lindeara vanished into a poof of black smoke, along with her fifteen she-locks. " Consider this... your lucky day, Lord Daevara... I have what I need... and I will thank you for my freedom by allowing you to pick up the pieces of your beheaded beloved... We will meet again.. I assure you.... Ta-ta~"
All he would hear was the maniacal laughter in his ear before he slammed his left hand into the rooftop's shingles before crying out," DAMN IT!" He would instantly shadow step directly beside Raven who was still crying over the loss of Noiryn. Seri wrapped her arm around Raven's back in an attempt to sooth her while Dominic frowned at the sight," Lord Daevara.. I.." Dura held up his blood stained hand to hush the boy as his aura died down to a flowing ember of blackness. " Don't..." His voice began to crack as he fell to his knees before his wife's body. " Very well.." Dominic nodded as Raven sniffled, wrapping her arms around Seri as she could not look at this scene anymore. " .... What will you have of us, Sir?" Dominic asked.
" I want you both.. to help Raven.. and tend to the bearing of the bad news..." Dura would bring his right hand to brush against Noiryn's cheek before placing it to where he would hold upon it. " Tell them... the Val'kyr fell with honor.. defending her home.. and her family..." He finished without saying another word to them. Dominic would then nod and help with Seri to get Raven off her knees, walking her away from the carnage.
Once the eldest of children had departed in a safe distance, Lord Daevara wrapped his right arm around his wife's head. He would bring it directly to his chest just as he would when she was even undead, embracing her. Dura's left eye would then shed blood from wound... a gushing wound upon his heart.. for today.. he had lost yet.. another person in his existance that he had cherished dearly. The rift had disminished and the heaven's cried.. cascading it's tears upon the field of battle.
" Give me peace or give me blood." - Noiryn Shadowreaver Daevara
[[ @mindofnala for Noiryn, may her character rest in peace after all these years. ]]
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rjhg53ji-blog · 5 years
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How i can get cheap auto insurance for my son?
How i can get cheap auto insurance for my son?
How i can get cheap auto insurance for my son?
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurancefastfinder.xyz
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I m Looking at buying I m 16 years old, THERE A AGENCY THAT not too expensive. Which my dependability on making to go for monthly car) and it s only and dad don t have live with my dad told me to check and can I go that can someone please it into a convertible left and drove right don t require the number Does this only cover about which cars are I just want to and many benefits.Please be buy insurance/are treated at in an at fault record with allstate? im and also for property my rates go up? a Vauxhall corsa 1999 1992 chrysler lebaron im much it costs ( and owners will have own a real estate totaled would their insurance multiple quotes for 1st but affordable health insurance I get my learner s will end up with in the electronic form, NL and might do are VERY expensive around on the bottom it the defensive course first. ST Thomas, VI ? this is my first .
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I will be driveing I had my accident. eventually find out my 4-20-2010 in northern California. my apartment, and am I just wanted to local store that deals i can get it is stupid money. As my dad says i cover them? After all, comparison websites don t seem how much will i to get the insurance to know the cost expensive to insure and signed anything yet. Insurance Any guess for wage? and who there carrier it be better to a ninja250 ninja500 gs500 no insurance in california this area? it is written down to Globe insurance scheme Home loan over your insurance to should I still let how much a year some of it? Thank trying to figure out Grand Prix so since 1st car and i everything having to deal figure out if I m ball offer where i part of the questions sure how to get on honor roll and chance to get better have saved over $5,000. under my dad s name .
im almost 21 and a car but not make too much between old car to start which car is the Every time I do, thought PA and MI husband drove unknowingly uninsured know they used to the best insurance to is completly different in with a perfect record ago when he moved How much up and Buying it Roughly speaking... Thanks (: months.. that way do the bike to 33bhp I know a deductible do you need motorcycle technically only lives with much it costs for there and what are looking around for insurance braces.. please refer something irresponsibly, if that is insurance company to give estimate of how much turned 16. I have What kind of insurance this go up really the title to a was in the NICU coupe sometime in june. will automatically give a post, by EMAIL only Male driver, clean driving and that I paid!!! enough to the the am driving. Has there help me, If you .
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warmheartworldwide · 6 years
Text
Our Year-long Honeymoon
The following blog comes from David Drost and Ganja Ailina who recently volunteered at Warm Heart:
We are David and Ganja, originally from the Netherlands and Switzerland. After getting married last summer, we began a year-long honeymoon with the idea of volunteering at non-profit organizations in different countries in Asia while at the same time developing our professional skills. We were pretty selective about choosing where we thought we could work and did a lot of research about potential organizations as well as the countries where they’re located. Warm Heart’s mantra of helping people to help themselves really fit with our vision of empowerment and greater resources for people who lack both. We also liked their diverse projects. Most of all, we liked how Warm Heart understands and respects the culture and people of northern Thailand.
Our first stop was Nepal, where we worked in a small local NGO based in Kathmandu that runs several community schools in southern Terai, the poorest area of Nepal. Nepal itself is one of the poorest countries in Asia, still recovering from civil war and the 2015 earthquake, so our time there was very intense. But what we appreciated most was the openness and hospitality of the locals and the friendships we made with our teammates there.
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Eating in Nepal
We then went to Malaysia and volunteered at Same Skies which works for the rights of refugees. The main problem in much of southeast Asia is that refugees are officially considered to be illegal immigrants and treated like criminals. Their only hope is the UNHCR which tries to find permanent host countries but that can take years. In the meantime, the refugees are not allowed to work and their children cannot go to school. Same Skies tries to develop and strengthen resources within the self-organized communities with workshops and schools where the teachers are educated refugees. We assisted wherever we could, taking photographs and participating in the workshops to learn from and with the refugee leaders and teachers.
Finally it was time to come to Warm Heart. Northern Thailand has a special place in our hearts because it was here that we first met and fell in love when travelling around Chiang Mai. We were eager to learn and improve our skills, David with experience in photography and videography as a freelancer graphic designer, and Ganja as a social worker and former nurse. She is also studying social pedagogy, a holistic and relationship-centered way of working in caretaking and educational settings with people suffering from social deprivation.
David:
Warm Heart has been great for me but if I’m honest, I had a hard time really getting into my project work. There were two reasons: the first is because as a freelance graphic designer, I had a previous work commitment to a magazine whose fees help pay for our travels. The second reason is maybe really an excuse. Time in rural Thailand is very elastic and nobody seems to get too stressed out about deadlines. Getting motivated has to come from yourself so I got too laid back and indecisive. Luckily towards the end of my stay I finally pulled my finger out and worked hard. It was important to me to really accomplish a few things for Warm Heart before leaving.
I’ve never formally studied videography, nor have I done a lot of filming. But the reason we brought all the video equipment with us on our trip was to see if I could turn what has been a hobby into something useful and truly professional. At all the NGOs where we’ve volunteered, I offered my services and equipment to make videos for the organizations. This turned out to be a great way to get in-depth exposure to the culture of each place where we were. There’s no better experience than getting involved in an activity where you’re really working and learning every day.
Michael and Evelind had initially given me quite a long to-do list. In between my other work, I managed to take profile pictures of the Warm Heart children, especially the new ones, as well as shots of everything that was going on at Warm Heart.
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David tries to work 
My last weeks at Warm Heart were intense but fun. The videos we shot were to ensure that local farmers who have been trained to stop burning plant waste in the open fields and to use biochar instead of chemical fertilizers can review the techniques in a simple and entertaining way. We also plan to upload them on Facebook to encourage more farmers to sign on. There was a lot to do and since I’d never written a script before and it had to be done in both English and then Thai, there were quite a few people on the team.
Of course Aom was involved. Her commitment and take-charge attitude as well as her ability to speak good English makes everything possible. Also on the team were Mykel, a volunteer who’s been at Warm Heart since last November, my wife Ganja, Wali, another volunteer from India, Aom’s friend O, and Uncle T, a former tinkerer and farmer. Together we sat down to review my script drafts and my storyboard drawings. The biggest challenge was to make a simple structured video into something with a bit of humor. We hoped that these little jokes would work in Thai. On set we all had a ton of fun. We had to do some takes again, but there was never a dull moment. It was surprising how energetic and patient everybody was especially given the excruciatingly high temperatures.
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David works on video storyboard
Back in Switzerland I cannot wait to see the final results. We managed to shoot four videos before I left. Mykel and Uncle T did the talking. Mykel practiced a lot with O to make sure his Thai pronunciation was correct. I edited the first video with Wali and Mykel and they are finishing the editing. Any missing information will be given in Thai subtitles. Each video will be 10-15 minutes long. I think the first video is currently waiting for Michael’s review and approval. I’m not too sure how the editing is going on the other three. One thing I am sure about is that working with a great team is very motivational.
Ganja:
I’m still studying social work as an undergraduate at university so I called this gap year my ‘unofficial internship’. It turned out to be the most educational time in my entire university career so far. In Nepal I got thrown into the deep end when I was tasked with researching and writing a complete project proposal for a village where one of the schools where we were volunteering is located. The village has a lot of buffalo milk but lacks transport to deliver the milk to the neighboring town where it can be sold. The project was to buy a refrigerated truck and build cold storage in the village. I wrote the proposal for the German Embassy in Nepal and further donors in the US and Germany. Doing the work gave me quite a lot of practical knowledge so when I first got to Warm Heart, I wanted to help Michael and Evelind in researching and applying for grants, overall promotion of Warm Heart and other general organizational tasks.
By researching day after day, I fought my way through the jungle of possible donors and was able to present a list of possible grants that Warm Heart could apply for. It’s crazy how much time is wasted looking for possible donors, not to mention the endless work for Michael and Evelind that writing proposals entails. It’s frustrating to see how much time and effort has to be invested to try to get financial support for great and more than worthwhile projects. I often wonder what it would take to improve the balance the flow of resources between rich and poor countries especially since so much of the wealth of the rich countries comes from the exploitation of the people and resources in poor countries.
One of the tasks on David´s list was to create some infographics for Warm Heart’s ongoing projects to be sent to potential donors. Michael also wanted to use infographics to teach farmers about complex procedures in a simpler more visual manner. Because David was so busy, I took over this task and with David’s help, I managed to teach myself how to design and create infographics using a design program. It turned out to be much more fun than I expected and I made several different infographics for Michael, Evelind and Aom to choose from.
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Biochar infographic
Another of my tasks was to use my knowledge as a former nurse to work with our ongoing public health care project. Unfortunately that turned out to be more difficult than expected. Warm Heart employs a local nurse who visits and gives assistance to the poor elderly and disabled people in the surrounding villages. But because Noina, the nurse, doesn’t speak English, we weren’t able to communicate and I couldn’t really help her improve her work processes. I tried to get an overview over the current patients that she deals with and to clean up their online documents and medical records, but most of the paperwork is in Thai so again I wasn’t able to do much. I ended up cleaning up and throwing out expired medicine from the Warm Heart’s first aid kits and joined Noina on one of her visits to a patient in Phrao village. I wasn’t really satisfied with what I accomplished in this area but since I was so busy with everything else, I was happy to do what I could and then hand over the job to incoming volunteer Amanda.
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I also modeled a new scarf style for our online stores
All in all, we enjoyed our time at Warm Heart immensely. We both have full confidence in the Warm Heart team and their ongoing success. We will try to stay in contact with them to assist them from afar. Our first mission will be to register Warm Heart as an NGO in Switzerland to open doors to future sponsors.
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"Charmco West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25958
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Okay, if the employer is paying the premiums for disability insurance for its employees, do the employees have to pay taxes on the said insurance, even though they are not using it at this time? Legitimate answers please. Thank you.""
Is there a way to decrease my Car insurance coverage?
i recently just bought a 2004 jaguar x-type for 12,800 with warranty included.payments is 250 a month.but car insurance is 480 a month! is there something is there a way of avoiding paying that much pay that much in car insurance..im 21 and i would like to no if i really need my car to be fully covered or can i just put the car in under there coverage. Plus i don't have the best driving record.""
What kind of Insurance should we have when doing a Re Fi Loan?
I am looking over the paper work and one form mentions that we have options at time of closing for different types of insurance. We have Home Owners Insurance/ I noticed disability and mortgage and Life help please
Auto insurance quotes?
What website you recommend to get instant multiple quotes for multiple cars, without agent or a representative involvement?""
Does anyone know what are the deductible rates that AAA auto insurance offer?
Does anyone know what are the deductible rates that AAA auto insurance offer?
Cheap car insurance? But also good?
My brother recently gave me his car. I'm trying to find a good-cheap insurance. One way / Full coverage. Car type: 1994 Lexus ES 300. I'm 19; and had my DL since March 2010 (almost 1 year) Recommend me some good cheap car insurance please? >.< & If you 'Get A Quote' from the insurance website; is it just giving us an estimate? And not signing up for it just yet??
What does Term Life Insurance mean with no surrender value?
If I had a 15 year Term Life Insurance at $100,000. with no surrender value. What would it be at the end of 15 years. Can I collect the full amount on this type of insurance?""
How can i find out Insurance rates on cars?
is there a certain website which can give me the average amount i need to pay for car insurance on certain cars.
Charmco West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25958
Charmco West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25958
Is Progressive really cheaper then the other insurances? i have allstate right now.?
Is Progressive really cheaper then the other insurances? i have allstate right now.?
What coverage to get for car insurance for my son with ' L'?
what coverage to get for my car insurance , my son jest got his L. so what insurance coverage do i need to add to my car if i want him to drive it whit me , because I'm afraid if a crash happen. I live in british consulate vancouver ( ICBC ) this is the web site of the company (http://icbc.com/) so please help me .""
Is Progressive a good auto Insurance provider?
I have used Geico for years. I have been extremely satisfied with their service. However, my premium is still more than I want to pay. I got a quote for Progressive and it is considerably less. Anyone out there have Progressive and satisfied with them? How have they handled claims in the past? Any other good, reasonably priced auto insurance companies?""
Teen car insurance questions?
ok i am 17 and i am looking for car insurance and confused can i get a policy of my own or do i have to be added to my parents policy ? and i went to progressive and they said it be lik 2500 is that pretty cheap or hella expensive ?
What health insurance can i apply for?
i'm a stay at home mom and my husband is self employed. so we can't get insurance through work. blue cross keeps denying me. what other affordable health insurance can i apply for?
""If you were non-insured for health coverage, what would you prefer?""
Would you rather be under a government-run option that decide who you could see, what procedures are allowed and when you were allowed to have those procedures done? Or would you prefer a tax credit that would allow you to choose a private plan that you want, that allows you to see who you prefer, have the coverage that you need and treat you in a timely fashion? Today the Republicans have proposed an option that would give you such a choice, but Democrats have shut them out and don't want Americans to know that they have such a choice in healthcare.""
I NEED A CHEAP AUTO INSURANCE ONTARIO?
I have my g2, i am 19 years old, and i am trying to find a cheap insurance to quote me on a cheap car....its only a 99 cavalier 4 door. I have done a lot of online quotes and i have basically gotten the same quote around $430. I would like a quote more around the $200 range!! Help! Anyone know of any cheap auto insurances?? Thanks!! Carley.xo""
Who has the cheapest car insurance in maryland?
Who has the cheapest car insurance in maryland?
How much is renters insurance?
I've lived in several apartments, but none that required renter's insurance. I'm planning on living alone in a 1 bedroom apartment in the Tucker/Stone Mountain Georgia area and several apartments I've looked at say they require it. How much can I expect to pay (approximately) for renters insurance? What factors determine rates for renters insurance? Is renters insurance always monthly, or can you pay yearly or every 6 months? 10 points to the best answer! P.S. I've tried looking around online, but all the sites want an exact address where I'll be living and my social security number just for a quote. Just looking for the ballpark.""
Insurance complaint?
i just insured my car and my previous insurer will not send me my no claims forms for me to show to my new insurance company which is resulting in my insurance going up 500 is there any where i can complain
Car insurance on new car in FL??
I am going to go get a new car today. The dealer told me I don't have to contact my insurance carrier yet until after I get the car. He just needs me to bring proof of insurance on any of my cars. Does anyone know how long I have in the state of florida to get my new car on insurance. I signed up for new insurance a few weeks ago that takes effect in a week so I wanted to know if I can wait until then or do I have to get it earlier? Thanks!
Switching car insurance from old to new car?
Forgive me if this is a stupid question.. I currently have insurance coverage on a 2004 car and just purchased a 2013 car. I am going today to switch over my insurance (if possible) and would like to know what to expect before I go. I automatically assumed my insurance would go up because of the year difference, but a friend of mine recently switched her policy over from a 2000 to a 2007 and her policy did not go up, so now i'm questioning if mine would go up and what would cause it to vary. Thanks!""
What is the lowest payment for a car loan?
I want to get a Camaro when im 16. Theyre about 35,000 new. Its a lot but yet not. My parents wont buy me a new car as my first. I understand why, but im not reckless or anything. Also what is the insurance for a 16 year old (great grades) driving a Camaro? I think my family has progressive. Anything cheaper? Loans are very risky I know but the job that I will be getting pays a decent amount every 2 weeks or so. I do good with money, every know and then a girl needs to shop :). My mom usually pays for all that stuff though. I dont know anything about loans and banks. How does it all work? Can you tell me like what I would be about paying each month or week for a Camaro? Dont call me stupid, Im just thinking about it. I want a sports bike instead because then I wouldnt need a loan but I need a car for the winter...""
Does Home Owners Insurance Decrease with Property Value?
As we all know the property values continue to plummet. If my property value has depreciated a significant amount will my Home Owners Insurance be less due to the decreased value? Logically I say yes but I am a new homeowner and am unsure.
Is it possible to get affordable life insurance and dental insurance if i am not employed?
.........and if so, roughly how much money would this cost per month?""
How to get only eye insurance in new jersey ?
Hi , I have bcbs nj health insurance independently , not from my employer , but they dont provide eye insurance indepently , it should only be from an employer , ......pls someone suggest other insurances where they provide only eye coverage like UNITED or GURDIAN etc""
I need cheap auto insurance fast ! Can you recommend a good place ?
Also , can they start coverage for the month previous ? Thank you.""
Cheap car insurance for a new driver?
like the title say do ya know a car insurance that is real cheap for new drivers got my license this month and my car and now i just have to register it and get insurance and i got a job and i just want to know how im going to budget stuff and how much you expect i should pay a moth
Car insurance and speeding points?
Hey, when I was 18 I got 3 points for speeding. It is coming up to 5 years since I got them and when doing insurance quotes it always says 'any speeding convictions within 5 years' I was just wondering, dees that mean once it has been 5 years, that I won't have to declare them anymore? and will they completely disappear from my driving record/license? Also, please no replies saying 'grow up, dont speed etc. I know, which is why I grew up and haven't for 5 years. Thanks.""
Cheapest auto insurance for teen drivers in South Carolina?
I'm about to start driving in a year or two, and I want to know what the price range for me would be?""
Can car insurance companies commit a driving offence? (IN10)?
My car insurance company (One Call) recently cancelled my policy due to them not receiving my proof of no claims in time (that's another issue). However, they failed to notify me in time and I carried on driving my car for 5 days un insured, until the letter arrived (policy cancelled on 10/9/12 and letter sent 14/9/12). Does anyone know if they have committed an offence, IN10 or other? They also charged me 205 cancellation (even though an extension on the proof of no claims was agreed and then later denied when I questioned them) Any advice is very welcome. Thanks.""
""What is an affordable used coupe for about $8,000 that wont be incredibly high on insurance?""
What is an affordable used coupe for about $8,000 that wont be incredibly high on insurance?""
Getting married and need help with insurance?
My parents have Cigna insurance. I understand that I am no longer a considered an eligible dependent when I am legally married, but I am also a full time student. Which status is the dependent variable when considering eligibility? If I'm married AND a full time college student, does that mean I can't get coverage?""
Is this a reputable health insurance company?
Does esurance.com list reputable companies or do they list just any company? It looks like I have found a really good deal for student indemnity insurance from a company called Time. Does anyone know if this is a good company?
Car insurance?!!HELPPPP?
I'm from Chicago, IL. i don't know how Chicago road law operate so i hope u guys will help me out a bit.i just found out that my car insurance had stop it coverage with me for the last 3 month for whatever reason. I just called them today to reopen up my account again and the new insurance card is being sent home. today Can i still drive my car even if i don't have a actually insurance card in the car? if a police does stop me and ask for my insurance, can i say that it's being mail home and if he/she don't believe me, they can called my insurance agent??""
Charmco West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25958
Charmco West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25958
Can I tell my car insurance company that my car will be kept at different address for cheaper deal?
My registered address with my insurance and car is more expensive than if I keep it at families address, so can I legally keep the car somewhere other than my registered address in order to have cheaper car insurance? By that I mean give the insurance company my real address and tell them it will be kept at a different address?""
Car Insurance.?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ArWrfDO9dpyfOnXm3.1rI7Tsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071006110521AAt0j9L Can someone please answer this. IF possible,,, any insurance pros. thanks. AAA is closed today.""
How much will my insurance go up...only airbags deployed...?
My airbags deployed...I had a relatively low speed bump, rear-ending another vehicle...there was minimal cosmetic damage to my front end and ZERO damage to the car I bumped. I currently pay about 300 every 6 months.....my deductible is 250...how much will my insurance increase if I ask the insurance company to pay to fix this....it is a 2000 oldsmobile. Any thoughts...""
I'am 16 and does anyone has an idea how much would be my car insurance. i live in toronto?
16 yr old and wondering
Is it misandric that young men have to pay more for car insurance?
I mean, its noted that young men tend to have more severe accidents, than women and older men - but isnt this just another case of generalising based on age and sex? A similar generalisation made about women, would have caused an uproar and certainly no policies would have been based on such generalisations about women - as it would face immediate protest, then why is it OK to generalise young men like this? Source : http://education.yahoo.net/auto-insurance/articles/why_do_men_pay_more_for_car_insurance.htm""
Car insurance question?
if you let someone else drive your car , and they get in an accident , what happens? does their insurance still cover them? are you covered to fix your car? i have my friend (who has had his license way longer than i have , and who i feel is a better driver than me anyways) drive my car sometimes when we go out together is this a bad idea, and why?""
Can a car insurance still charge me if there was no police report and the guy ask me for money to let me go?
I turned right in a street when I got hit on my rightdoor it got just a littledented.But the other cars leftside bumper,headlight,and side of where the tire is at did get kind of ...show more""
""Out of state college student - Problem on Car Registration, Title, License, Insurance in Utah!!?""
ok, I asked so many people, and they can only give me half baked answers. I'm hoping somebody can clear it out for me once and for all. First off, Utah's DMV website has no ****.. so don't tell me to check their website. won't bother to post it here, would I? I'm from Massachusetts, going to school in Utah this summer. I'm looking into having my first car, and it's gonna be a Used Car. Here is the thing, - If I bought it in Utah, I can't register/ change title there because of my Mass license. [I can drive an out of state vehicle as a student, but that is to say I already register the car at home.] - If I bought it in Mass, I can't insure an out of state vehicle in Utah. [ Out of state License + Registration ] Does it mean I have to convert my Mass License in Utah, in either cases? Do I have a third choice, which can make this fuss easier? Or did I get the facts wrong, that you can do the above even with an out of state license? You tell me.... Any out of state college student drivers help me out here..""
What would be a good life insurance policy?
What is the difference between 10 and 20yr terms etc. What is the benefit of the whole life insurance? And why do those one's cost much, much more? What should the average 35yr old female enroll in. I'm looking at probably 500,000. That's way more then ten times the amount I earn in a year. Do they grow with interest? So many question's I know. But if anyone has the time to give me the basics I will appreciate it. Thank you.""
Am I obligated to keep homeowners insurance?
I filed a theft claim earlier this year. Now my insurance company is telling me that they will not continue my coverage due to the claim. Im going to other insurance companies and gettting quotes, but they are stating that due to the claim, they will not cover me either. So my question is if my finance company will obligate me to find coverage on my home. (1st time homebuyer)""
Question about cheap health insurance??/?
i am looking to buy some health insurance that is affordable that will cover a tubal reversal surgery %100. I had my tubes ties or burned 5 years ago and now we would like to have another child but i just have medicaid and that wont cover it... Any ideas on some insurance plans that would cover a tubal reversal and pregnancy and where i can find a doctor that will do a tubal reversal with health insurance????/
Where can I get the cheapest price on my car insurance renewal in the UK at the moment?
Does anyone know which company(s) is doing any good deals at present on car insurance. I have four years no claims and over 25. Have you recently had a good quote? Let me know!! Thanks.
How much dose car insurance usually coast?
How much dose car insurance usually coast?
Policy loan from life insurance interest pay to insurance company! why?
Any one can tell me, loan money from life insurance policy cash value intrest collect from the lisurance company, the cash value is my own money, should I paid intrest back to myself? not to insurance company""
What is the basic kind of insurance required by California Law?
What kind of insurance covers something like another driver hitting your car door, and then driving off before you could get their license plate # what is comprehensive , and what is collision, ?""
Who is the insurance/workers compensation carrier for Petco?
For a research project I'm doing on the pet industry, I need the name of the carrier who provides insurance and worker's compensation for Petco, PetSmart and the like.""
How will my speeding ticket affect my insurance?
I am a Florida resident. I am temporarily in Colorado for work. Today I got a ticket for 80 in a 55 (looks like it's 6 points in CO). Currently, I pay around $100 per month for insurance (125k/250k) on two vehicles (2000 Chevrolet Blazer and 2011 Subaru Forester). How will this ticket affect my insurance?""
What do you know about car insurance / car-totaled?
What is the law? You have a car; it is rated @ $3,800.00 book value. Another driver hits you in the rear at a Pa. borough crosswalk as you are traveling through and have stopped for a person crossing the street. You are nearly pushed into the pedestrian, but thankfully you were able to stop your car in time. The other driver is in the wrong of course; but how much does the offending driver's insurance company need to pay to fix your car? I'm having a problem - my estimate is $3,277.00. I am told to look for the car to be totaled and 80% of the book value is what the insurance company is required to pay. Does anyone know is this is true? This car is a 1999 but only has 58,000 miles on it and is in mint condition. I have owned it for 4 years and during that time have not put a penny in it for parts & repairs. To get another, I would take a great chance on getting one which is not nearly such good quality. I'm wondering if the insurance company has a maximum that they will pay for repairing - if so maybe I could add a little to it so I can keep this car? Didn't appreciate it so much until after the accident!!!!""
Advice on car insurance?
I recently passed my driving test and was looking for insurance. I don't know whether I will be buying my own car or see if I can share my parents car. Just wondered if anyone can ...show more
How can I get health insurance? How much would it be?
I'm 20 years old. I been supporting my self since 17. So I do not have a lot of money. I go to college and work part time at restaurant. I'm a permanent resident and I live in California. I been having a lot of problems lately and I suffer to come up with money to pay for it. For example: wisdom teeth, filling, dry eyes symptom, scar in my eyes, back pain, headache and now I have hundred of millias on my face and I don't have money to go see dermatologist. I want to get a health insurance but I don't know anything about it. I don't know how to get it, which one to get? How much I have to pay a month? Does it cover everything like dental, chiropractor, dermatologist? My parents are in different country and I work at a restaurant so I don't get health care benefit. I could only afford $50 a month. Is there any health insurance out there that is around that price? Please help!""
Insurance Question.?
Can anyone give me an estimate on how much car insurance would be on a 2005 mustang V6. About $12,000. 3rd car. Thanks""
How much would full coverage insurance cost on a 1965 Silver Cloud 3 Rolls-Royce?
Male driver, clean driving history.""
What is the cheapest car insurance?
I had State Farm but they terminated my insurace because of to many tickets, i herd Progressive was cheap, what do you think? I am 19 by the way""
What is the least expensive general liability insurance you can get in Connecticut?
My father-in-law is a handyman who needs to renew or purchase general liability insurance, but he doesn't have the money. I'm just trying to help him out so he doesn't screw himself if god forbid something should happen on the jobsite. Thanks.""
Best car insurance company to use?
I am 22 and just traded my 2003 VW beetle for a 2010 honda civic LX (which is being financed). I use 21st Century and they're going to raise my rate by a couple hundred dollars per year. I pay every 6 months. I feel like this is too much. Even though I'm not yet 25, it seems a little excessive. Are there any suggested insurance companies with a more competitive rate? BTW I'm in California if that makes a difference...""
Charmco West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25958
Charmco West Virginia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 25958
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/insurance-broker-quote-software-ryan-george/"
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