you're in the habit of denying yourself things.
if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.
but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?
what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.
and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.
you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.
so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.
it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.
sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.
oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.
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Something that has been driving me insane about the credits are these sections with the fish so please bear with me whilst I do a mini deep dive (hehe) into fish discourse because YO, we need to talk about these fish!
Notice how at the beginning of the credits we actually have two white fish swimming along beside one another; one with bright turquoise eyes and the other with black.
A little while later the fish begin to circle each other and a droplet falls into the water between them. As the disturbance ripples out from the center, one of the fish dives deeper into the water and changes its colour to black; symbolizing Geto's change and descent into darkness
Then we have this heartbreakingly beautiful moment with Gojo and Geto:
I cannot stop thinking about how long Gojo watches the black fish for as it swims across the screen, whereas Geto's eyes are lowered the moment the white fish appears and he closes them as it swims past.
Gojo cannot bear to tear his eyes away, whilst Geto cannot bear to look
Throughout the credits, Gojo and Geto have been making their way towards each other through the pouring rain (or mostly sitting and waiting in Geto's case). At the end, they meet each other under a bridge and as they walk away together we see the fish a final time, swimming together again in a puddle formed by the heavy rain.
Geto walks on the left in the light, as the white fish swims close to his head, almost invisible in the brightness of the light. Whilst Gojo walks on the right in the shadow with the black fish swimming further away but still close by.
The fish speed after the two men before disappearing completely under the water just before the camera pans up and we watch as Gojo pulls Geto in for a hug as they walk away, before he's playfully shoved away by Geto.
There's a lot going on the credits (+ opening) that is absolutely killing me but man, these fish?! Breathtaking.
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
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